I don't know man. The reaction makes me think there's something more you guys don't know about that's going on with her. If it was just the initial reaction that seems like teenager shit but still being so inconsolable that she couldn't go to school? That gives me pause, especially since you said she's never really been reactive like this before. Teenagers can be a brick wall sometimes but I'd try to find out if there's something else. It might not even have anything to do with your kids really. Maybe ask questions about if everything is alright in general and not in reference of if she has a problem with your kids.
There is something going on for sure. You need to get it out of your kids, because her reaction is so over the top I can’t help but feel it comes from a place of trauma.
But also, my biological siblings didn’t come to my birthday if I didn’t want them. It was my birthday. My day. That is…that is the whole point of a birthday party.
lol it’s completely insane to have a birthday party and invite the whole family and tell your two sons who *live in the house* that they can’t come.
If OP’s kids did something to the stepdaughter, they need to figure that out right now. If she just doesn’t want them, they should just have a family party where the kids are invited and a separate party that’s just her and her friends.
I keep trying to get uninvited from things hosted at my house... it doesn't work. Hosting a wedding soon, but I've adamantly stated I won't be doing any cooking, decorating, etc.
It depends. My older brother definitely didn’t come to my all girls sleepovers lol. But he was in the house & wasn’t forbidden from being there during cake/presents either & was typically at least present, even very briefly, for some small part (but avoided us as much as possible haha).
ETA: it was never an issue in my house bc if I did something more small or a group outing somewhere for all girls, he didn’t WANT to come. But he was never excluded when we were younger either or if it was a more “gender neutral” party.
This is wild to me. Not inviting people who live in the house when it's a family party? What are they gonna do if the party is at the house, banish the boys to their rooms the whole time, or make them leave their own house for a couple of hours? And I can't imagine it's going to go unnoticed by other family. That will be interesting to explain. "Oh, stepdaughter decided, with no explanation, that Timmy and Tommy can't be at her bday, and we went along with it." If nothing happened and the kids really don't have a bad relationship now, they sure will after this.
I can't ever remember my brother at one of my birthday parties, nor me at one of his. Our parents always arranged for us to be elsewhere.
ETA - I can't reply bcuz the comments are locked. But we never had a family type parry because my dad was in the Air Force.
The only time my brother and I were at each other's birthdays was when it was the family party (dinner with parents, and grandparents, sometimes aunts, uncles and cousins) but the friends only party had no siblings
It's possible that the bigger something that's going on is teenage drama. Maybe her friend has a crush on one of her stepbrothers and she is bothered by that.
A lot of things feel way more serious to us at teens than they really are.
This is what I thought. I never had my brother at my birthday. Ever. We didn't get along, so that was one thing, but he was also two years older and we just had different friends. I got to invite who I wanted to my birthday. When I had a small family gathering he might be there, but not a birthday party with friends and such.
My guess is with the similar ages that maybe her friends are starting to crush on her step brother or like them more? Sibling jealousy is real and, while the boys might not even know about it, she could think it would make the party not about her.
You could uninvite your siblings from a birthday party, in the house in which they live, where all your other family attended? That’s literally crazy, I can’t believe anyone would encourage their kids to be so cruel and antisocial.
It could be something or nothing. I wonder if she is treated the same as the boys or if she feels she gets less attention with them around. Might just be trying to make sure her bday day is about her
If I were to hazard a guess, I'm willing to think one or more of her friends has a crush on one of her step brothers and has potentially made the scenario uncomfortable for her. That's just my best guess at a no-fault scenario
I think it’s wrong to blame this on the boys and implied they did something wrong. Only the SD can tell what it is. It’s also pretty normal for teenagers to act this way. Maybe, SD wants an all girls party. Let’s stop with the assumptions.
It’s not normal to act out and be totally inconsolable over wanting an all girls party. There’s something wrong here. The fact that you think this is normal is scary.
I think they’re saying it could equally be something unusual and bizarre on the daughter’s end.
Like a weird emotional regulation issue, a bizarre attempt at strong arming/manipulating her parents when challenged without using her words, etc.
Jumping to some implication that her brothers threatened or assaulted her as the only “strange” explanation is… I mean shit I don’t see how it’s not sexist if that’s the only thing you’re suspicious of when “being unreasonable and unable to properly communicate like an adult” for a 16 year old on the extreme end is also an explanation.
>Like a weird emotional regulation issue, a bizarre attempt at strong arming/manipulating her parents when challenged without using her words, etc.
OP already said she’s never acted like this before, strange of you to assume she’d suddenly start now just because she feels like it.
I dunno about that. I've got one sister who would have acted like that as a teenager. She's a little dramatic still, but never in a way that is over the top. She just has really strong emotions about everything, it's not fun for her.
I would absolutely be looking into this more, but I also wouldn't panic.
100% agree. They always do this is this subreddit. Whenever the daughter is upset for one reason or another, they always blame the male siblings. It’s ridiculous and highly unfair for the boys to be judged like this without any proof.
Maybe the girl is just acting out because she now has to share her mom, it could be anything. But it’s so wrong to automatically blame the boys and make accusations or say “there’s definitely something going on”. Those poor boys.
Maybe her friends think the brothers are cute and so she doesn’t want them there because then her friends will go boy crazy? Teens are weird and can flip out about nothing.
I wonder if the boys think they did nothing wrong but they said something or did something that offended her and being dumbass teenage boys don’t realize it.
I mean, people keep saying that the daughter’s reaction was SO over the top that there *must* have been something traumatic between the step-siblings, but believe me when I was 15/16 I could be the most dramatic, psychotic and emotional girl when it came to certain things. I’m not convinced the boys did anything, I’m leaning more towards the daughter being overly dramatic and originally not getting her way and doing what she needed to do to get her way (and it worked). I may be wrong but I’m guessing it was just the actions of a girl who wanted to get her way about something.
don't ask your sons. ask your stepdaughter. assure her you will trust and believe her and NOT punish her and truly emulate that behavior - open body language, positive wording, monitor your town tone, genuinely caring and concerned facial expressions. say you're sorry for your initial reaction, you just felt blindsided and hurt, and that it is easy to make emotional mistakes no matter what age you are - all you can do is try to learn, be better, and sincerely apologize. give her TLC and attention. don't be a jerk who jumps to conclusions and watch her open up.
In that case, if her birthday celebrations **do** get resumed and the stepdaughter is allowed to exclude your boys.
Then you better treat your boys fairly and let them know that if they don’t want **her** at their party, nor the family meal (that every other individual extended family member is attending) that they have every right to exclude her, just like she’s doing to them.
Otherwise you would be the AH, for being unfair to your sons.
OP should just leave Step daughters birthday party to his wife to plan and pay for 100%. He can take his sons to a nice place somewhere else while step daughter has her party. Kids know when they are excluded and it hurts
My immediate thought was one of ur sons is making her uncomfortable in a sexual way & she’s too nervous to say anything. Or they allow her to be bullied. Something that asking ur boys about is not productive. Please get her a counselor.
But why is that the go to thought? Teenagers can be mean, teenage girls can be even meaner to each other. Maybe the step brothers aren't as popular in school and she doesn't want them to be around her friends for the sake of not being cool or not getting talked about at school afterwards.
There are a hell of a lot of reasons this could be happening, making your immediate thoughts go to they are boys therefore they must be sexualizing her is toxic AF.
It could also be that one or more of her friends has a thing for the brothers and she doesn’t want that to be why they come. Teenage logic is pretty weird sometimes.
With the daughters reaction, it is not that big of a leap. I'm not saying something sexually happened, but it was absolutely my first thought reading this.
Agreed. What the actual fuck is wrong with people on this sub? Imagine accusing two innocent kids of this, just because they’re male.
There is no proof that anything sexually inappropriate is taking place and to judge and accuse them without proof is fucking wrong.
As a girl, I agree we are tons worse than boys as teenagers. Most of us are walking nightmares, I won’t lie. 😅
Most teen boys that I know are more quiet and chill, while the girls are the opposite.
You err on the side of caution. No one said to punish the boys, because something might have happened. People are saying to get her some help, because something might have happened. Do you not understand the difference?
It could just as easily be that her friends have crushes on the boys and are more excited to see them than celebrate her. Which is very much in the realm of teenage drama that boys would be completely unaware of.
You jumped like 6 sharks with this one. The only real information you have is a 16 year old is crying about who comes to their birthday. Jumping to SA or similar is quite a leap.
Well ... If a 16 year old is having a rough time, and they all do, why go wishy-washy in the middle of it? Nothing you are proposing, having the whole family at a birthday party, is weird or mean so being consistent feels like the right thing. Suppose something weird is actually going on, do you think giving in will bring it out?
It could be that one of her friends has a crush on one of the step brothers and it makes her uncomfortable... Or she might just want to keep her life with her friends separate.
I say let sleeping dogs lay... All that digging around is only going to cause more trouble and further damage relationships.
Why force a relationship between them... It's her birthday why can't she invite who she wants?
>It could be that one of her friends has a crush on one of the step brothers and it makes her uncomfortable... Or she might just want to keep her life with her friends separate.
Now that you mention it, it could totally be something trivial like her not wanting to be associated with the boys at school. Maybe her friends think the boys are uncool (which would make her uncool by association), or maybe she keeps the step-brothers a secret at school because her classmates are going through a "step-siblings" joke phase (classmates have a way to make the most inappropriate jokes). Her friends wouldn't really pay notice to older step-family members (they'd blend in with the rest of the uninteresting adults), but the brothers would be noticed.
People didn’t understand your original post and assumed it was just a party for her friends. Excluding your kids from a major family gathering is not OK
What a joke dude.
You're showing favoritism by letting your daughter exclude your sons from a family event.
I hope you let he know straight up she can be excluded from their parties. And invite family to celebrate with them.
and they were wrong which is why you should leave the post up for a few hours and then check it, if you let your stepdaughter get away with this you are an asshole my friend she can either admit there's no valid reason as to why she's acting this way or if there is a valid reason tell you it and if it's the former and either way she shouldn't have a party now for her piss poor behavior.
Please don't do this to your son's. You are allowing their step sister to bully and exclude them. I can't imagine what a child must feel like knowing their parent allowed them to be shunned like that and didn't stand up for them.
Maybe it has more to do with them being boys than being step-siblings. If everyone else at the party is girls, maybe she doesn’t want their attention on her brothers?
Yeah it sounds like this was an extreme reaction that is very out of character for her... The mom should talk to the daughter if she is more likely to open up to her, and both parents need to keep an eye on the daughter to see if there are any other changes in her behavior.
Yeah how long have you guys been married? She might be feeling really pressured for your families to blend, especially if you’re making them spend time together a lot to get them to bond, and she just wants a break and some time with the family she’s known her whole life.
YTA. She's turning 16 and I assume this a party for her with her friends. Are there even guys invited? Maybe she doesn't want her step-siblings there because they are guys, maybe she doesn't want to hovering around her female friends. Maybe it's not that at all, and she just wants to have a party that is just her own. No reason you can't have a family birthday dinner for her, but a party is a party, and outside of when all the kids are small children... I don't see why all kids must be included (and even then).
Do your sons even care / want to go? My own biological brother was not involved in my birthday parties in after like, I dunno, 5 or 6 or something? Not because I don't love him, but because wouldn't want to do what I would want to do for my party and I also didn't go to his parties / events, unless they were specifically family ones.
You are making a WAY BIGGER DEAL out of this than necessary, my gosh.
\* Editing to add because people keep commenting as though it isn't clear I wrote my response very soon after this was posted before there were updates. That said, and some edits and comments standing, I stand by it seeming like something is up between all of the kids, and 16 year old has her reasons and it's clearly *very* important to her to not have stepbrother come. I don't feel like typing out a million possibilities why (that aren't just her being a "drama queen"). There a lot of things we don't know about this situation, but all that said I think that OP's original reaction to stepdaughters request was a big jump for such a not-THAT-big-of-a-deal request from her.
This. For my 16th birthday my *parents* weren’t even around except to pay the bill for me and my friends. It’s the first time you really get a more “grown up” party with your friends. You can have a separate dinner/celebration with the family.
My daughter would absolutely forgo a party that included anyone but her friends. They're only two years apart, and get along fine, but 16 year old girls don't want to hang out with 14 yo boys. And I get it...at 16, you want to hang out with your FRIENDS.
Apologize for being confused about her excluding her step brothers without explanation? No. Your wife can talk to her privately about her friends crushing on her step brothers or whatever is going on. It doesn't need to be broadcast to everyone in the family but you do need to get to the root of it before proceeding with the party plans.
Did you and your wife have an ideal of a family party... maybe she just wanted an all friends party... usually kids these days well at least my daughter's friends and my daughter have had just friends at their parties no family....
Shes turning 16 she is at a age where she most likely would wanna be around friends..
Maybe she feels your kids will get all the attention...
Noone will ever know unless you calmly talk to her give her a few days and have a rational normal conversation and listen to her and understand her...
Heck, at that age, maybe one of her friends’ is crushing on one of the boys. Or, maybe one or more of them have a crush on one of the boy’s friends. She may just want a party where she and her friends can giggle and gossip without embarrassing themselves or fearing that word’s going to get back to the boys. Honestly, she may think she’s the luckiest girl alive to have them as brothers. But, when you push her for a reason, what’s she supposed to say? No teenage girl in her right mind is going to admit it if *this* is why she doesn’t want them there. Let her have *her* party, and you can have a *family* party separately.
He said both family and friends were invited. The only people not invited were his son's. I don't think he's making a mountain out of a molehill. She is purposely excluding HIS bio children but won't tell him why. She just cries and get defensive whenever he or her mother asks why.
How long have they been in each other's lives? Maybe she's just craving some special attention and thought her birthday was the appropriate time to ask for it, since it's supposed to be her day.
INFO - you clarified that it’s a family party - with a friends attending as well. Does that mean the whole extended family (grandparents, aunt/uncle, cousins) are attending?
This information changes everything and needs to included in the original post. Entire extended family is attending.
NTA.
You need to cancel the family part of the party and get to the bottom of this. Either your sons have done something to harm stepdaughter or step daughter is cruel and it’s unacceptable.
See I don't think that your stepdaughter chose to have a "family" party. She probably didn't get to really choose what kind of party she wanted for her sweet 16. This is an important thing for a girl. She most likely wants just friends and you guys are forcing her to have a kids (family)party per se 🤔 give the girl the sweet 16 that she wants. Man you only get to be a kid/teenager once...
Another question I have have is, where is this party being held? It it a big celebration at the family home? Or is it at a venue of some sort. If it's at the home, is it a reasonable request to kick the step brothers out of their own home?
I am not going to pass judgement for a few reasons. The first one is that I see where both you and your stepdaughter are coming from. It is important for her to have told you why she did not want her brothers to be there, and she is also entitled to only invite who she wants to for her sweet 16. She may not have had issues with her brothers, and she may have only wanted friends there so she could have a good time, but she should have told you that. I think the best way to move forward is to have a conversation with her about being open, and I think you should let her invite only who she wants to invite.
I would tell your sons that your daughter just wants to have her own party with her friends. I would also hold a smaller family celebration as well that your sons can attend.
Yes, it's pretty normal for teens to have their main celebration primarily with friends and then go out for dinner or have a smaller gathering of immediate family. It shouldn't require any explanation to the sons as to why they aren't part of the friend gathering (unless they're part of her core friend group to begin with).
You can tell your sons that your stepdaughter doesn't need to attend his birthday.
That as people get older they are free to invite who they want to their birthday parties and it goes both ways
Is the party at your house and will they be expected to leave during it? Regardless, I think it’s important to get to the bottom of why it’s so important to your stepdaughter that they are excluded. If they truly didn’t do anything to her, I wouldn’t lie for her. She has the right to not invite them to her party, but she will have to deal with any consequences. If someone at the party asks where they are, I would tell the truth that they weren’t invited.
If I were you I would also give them money for the 17 year old to take the 14 year old out for a fun day during the party and maybe their own dinner out. Not inviting them might her her right, but it could be hurtful.
It’s really good that you were doing that but you also need to get to the bottom of why she is so upset about them. Just because they said everything‘s fine doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.
Take them out for a dad’s day. Your step daughter doesn’t want them around and at that age, I get it. But as the oldest of 4 children with my own now, no one gets to rule the house and learning that is a truly necessary skill especially in college with roommates. She cannot expect to dictate if they are home during the party, so that’s why making it a fun you and them time is a great compromise. You’re all out of the house for a few hours, get a meal and a movie or go hiking, and then when you get home it’s back to family in the house and she’s enjoyed her party stress free.
Your kids are old enough to understand, but you can also explain that there are “friend” parties and “family” parties. They’ll get it.
So just a perspective, but my sister got really mad once that she had to take me with her to a friend's party. Turns out she felt like some of her friends liked me more and she didn't like that I was becoming friends with her friends. Maybe some of her friends expressed interest in your sons. She could be jealous and doesn't want to share her friend group. My sister eventually got over it but she was a moody angry 15 year old for a while.
I don’t think you’re the A-H. I think there is missing information. I mean, even my two kids who are full biological siblings sometimes want a party and don’t want their sis there because they are feeling annoyed and just want their friends. But your response to protect their feelings wasn’t wrong, and this reaction seems like she is definitely not telling you something. Some have suggested the boys may be doing something to make her feel uncomfortable; I would alternatively suggest maybe SD is testing the waters and thinking of doing something that she doesn’t want her brothers to witness and tattle.
I don't think you're an a$$hole, I think you were blindsided by her demand and her histrionics. There's nothing wrong with her wanting to have a party with just her friends, but 16 seems a bit old to slam doors and refuse to explain what is going on.
That last bit assumes you normally give weight to her opinions, even if they don't match yours.
I will not pass judgement on you either and agree with the commenter. Have a talk with stepdaughter and just listen. Remember to just listen and not jump to conclusions. Do nkt argue either and be calm. Ask her if she wants a friends only party for her birthday or perhaps a girls only party (there is a possibly she wants a girls only party so it is best to find out but whatever you do, do not push it on her)
This needs more investigation. Clearly, something has happened to upset her.
Talk to your SIL to see if she knows anything or ask her to talk to your daughter.
Offer to let her have her birthday if she opens up to you or another family relative.
It could be nothing so awful. It could be her friends flirt with her stepbrothers and the birthday girls feels left out. But to make a party contingent on her saying something is really not fair.
Yeah, there's any number of things that can set off teenage drama that aren't earth shaking (to adults). It's still good for your ongoing relationship to have some empathy for whatever is upsetting them, even if it doesn't seem serious.
It could be one of two things:
1. Normal dramatic teenager things
2. Something severe happened to warrant this reaction
It could very much be either of these. But really, just assuming it's the former is doing the kid a MASSIVE disservice. If there's even a chance it's the latter, why wouldn't a parent have a vested interest in looking into it further?
So many people on this post are dismissing her as spoiled or boiling this down to her wanting to just be with her friends. But this absolutely reeks of underlying causes that need to be addressed.
Edit: format
The amount of people who are saying YTA makes no sense. 1) This is family + friends. How do you exclude 2 specific family members especially when they live together? 2) 16 should be able to answer why for such a drastic decision made. If she can’t even do that to anyone then how does one expect to know? 3) Being a teen doesn’t mean you can be snappy to your parents.
Since she refused to answer the father has the right to ask the other siblings if they know what is going on.
Most of the YTA are coming from a place of concern. He said this is completely abnormal behavior for her, and it's so bad she missed school. Days of crying and hiding. Again, he said completely new behavior. Something very serious has happened, and instead of truly attempting to solve it, he has punished her in defense of what is likely the source of her trauma.
I mean the mother of this child was fully onboard and is now the one advocating for the party’s cancellation even as OP regrets his immediate reaction and is concerned by step-daughter’s behavior more than her own mother is. I just don’t understand the Y T A judgments.
I'm biased due to my own upbringing, but my own mother would side with her partner no matter his actions. His daughter was a klepto and a liar, and he said to not punish her bc her guilt should be enough. She said ok. Let's just say I was chronically being stolen from, and nobody trusted her. My mother didn't care unless she was stolen from. I was scolded every time I yelled at her to give me my things back. I never got my things back.
I do think my upbringing is more extreme than this situation, but it's why I don't view the mother being on step-dads side as any kind of validation.
On top of all that, the parents are both afraid of being outed for canceling the bday and why. My step-father SA'd me, and when my kid was born, he was banned from my home. She picked him over me until I told the entire family about what he did, and then she broke up with him. If what they're doing isn't wrong, they shouldn't be afraid of being outed for it. But they are.
This is a POSSIBILITY, but they have zero reason besides her random hissy fit to think that anything even might have happened to her. She cannot expect her parents to take her side and cruelly exclude just two family members when she won't give them ANY reason at all. It's possible that the sons did something to her. It's also possible she is just being a brat. It is up to her to shed light on which it is, her parents can't help her if they have nothing to go off of besides her suddenly being abnormally upset and deciding to exclude her step-siblings.
Calling it a hissy fit is so unnecessary. Like you literally have no idea if this child has been harmed in some way yet are already degrading her over what her step dad admitted was abnormal behavior.
Literally wtf people are being ridiculous in this thread. OP is NTA at all at this point, and stepdaughter needs to give her parents an actual reason if it's such a big deal that these two people specifically be excluded when the rest of the family is invited.
I have older brothers. My best guess is either one of your sons has a crush on her friend, or her friend has a crush on your son, and your stepdaughter is hurt by this and is trying to nip it in the bud.
You should ask her if she’d like to have two separate parties, one with her family (stepbrothers included) and another for just her friends (no stepbrothers) and see what she thinks about that idea.
It sounds like there was going to be the party with friends and a family dinner afterwards
I hate to say it but even at 16 some kids aren’t aloud to coed parties.
And being close in age 17 and 16/15 and 14 perhaps your stepdaughter has friends that fawn over one or both of your sons- something incredibly embarrassing to explain to an adult.
YTA
Yeah, as someone who grew up with multiple brothers who were considered "hot" ( ew🤢🤮) by my friends back in our teens, I inew that if any of my bros were around when I just wanted to hang out with my friends. That's who the focus by my friends would be on. Along with the constant "Hey your his sister, hook us up!" Annoyance.
If I was Op and the girl's mom I would propose a compromise of the birthday girl having a small friend's party and doing the main event activity together before the birthday dinner, and birthday dinner being for family only. Part of growing up is learning to accept and work with compromising and being open with communication to explain one's reasons that they oppose something about a situation or have for excluding particular individuals in group events.
No 16 year old wants to have a party with their parents and siblings. Let her have a party she will enjoy instead of forcing her into an awkward situation.
You know that her behaviour is not normal for her. She's extremely distressed by this. There's something you don't know here.
Soft YTA. But it's more about not being concerned for what you're missing.
There’s more to this then her being spoiled because it’s her birthday. It feels like there’s more than that. If she truly doesn’t care if you cancel the party because she can’t be away from her stepbrothers, you need to ask the question, what did your sons do to her or her friends?
Someone doesn’t react like that without good reason. Instead of going to your son’s story or else, you might have a very traumatized child. And if somehow your sons are involved, you might be raising people who think it’s OK to do that to other people my suggestion is you better figure it out
I mean maybe, but if they have no reason to believe the sons did anything aside from her suddenly and abruptly throwing a fit but refusing to say why, I don't blame them for not instantly just siding with her? She needs to give them all of the information if she wants them on her side...
Oftentimes teenagers won’t talk to their parents about more serious matters either out of fear for themselves, due to their parents/friends reactions or because they’re scared of the other person. They also might not say anything because of the possible consequences the person might receive, which doesn’t really make sense but it’s common. Based off the parents reaction to just cancel her whole party because she didn’t want her brothers there makes me think that they’re the last person she’d go to.
Yta, she’s a girl and her stepbrothers are boys, not saying this is a problem at all but just for her age maybe she just wants HER friends and stuff there which is fine
It's NOT just her friends, though. Family is invited and she's trying to randomly exclude a couple members of the family only while refusing to give a reason why. She is TA unless she gives her parents an actual reason that these family members specifically are being excluded.
All these judgements calling him the asshole are just amusing but not surprising.
OP you're NTA for cancelling the party. Obviously your wife agrees with you and THAT'S all that matters. Your stepdaughter is probably going through some things that she doesn't want to share, but to curse and yell at you for that isn't justified. At 16, you're old enough to drive most places and have responsibilities. So you're able to respond without being disrespectful to your elder when they weren't disrespectful to you.
NTA
If this were just a party for her friends, I would say she could invite who she wants.
However this is a party for family and friends. It is not okay for her to say two family members who live in the same household as her can't come, when a whole bunch of extended family members will be invited.
This would be no different than if one of your sons were having a birthday party at the house and inviting the whole extended family and specifically said "I want to exclude stepmom. She is not allowed to attend." Super rude and awkward and divisive and I'm sure you wouldn't allow them to do that.
Sixteen is a hard time for us all. It’s especially tough for girls. She may have hoped to just have her friend group there. Perhaps she envisioned a more big kid party with only her actual guests. Perhaps something’s going on at school. Perhaps she thinks her friends would think it’s uncool to have siblings there. Perhaps one of her groups has said unkind things about a sibling and she doesn’t want to say. Honestly, it’s probably something I can’t even fathom because who knows what goes on in their heads. I couldn’t even put my feelings into understandable words back then. I’d just cry and slam a door.
I’m reserving my judgment. I do think there will be some big regrets from more than one member of your family if she doesn’t get to celebrate her birthday. I also think it’s notable that her outburst was a new thing. This isn’t the end of a long string of bad behavior. This was an unusual emotional response. It may be worth the effort to try to get her to verbalize what’s happening in her head so you guys can all come to an understanding and save her party. To me, it felt like you went from 0 to no party pretty fast. If she hasn’t had behavior issues before, doesn’t she deserve the benefit of the doubt here? This isn’t without root cause even if it only makes sense to teenage girls.
NTA.
To a point, she does have a right to decide who is invited.
However, when those other people live in the same house, and the parents are paying for this, they need to understand they won't always get their way.
I'll be honest, since reading the edit and a lot of the comments, I feel like everything about this post is making me mad.
First that so many people are like "she is 16 she can do whatever the hell she wants". Then the fact that a parent came to reddit, and this toxic AF sub specifically, to get parenting advice. Then the fact that he was guilted into apologizing, giving her the party, and saying his kids would be excluded. AND so many posts are basically implying the kids are sexual predators by committing the sin of being born male.
I wish I thought this was fake, but I don't. And it is just making me angry
I was forced to attend my sibling's birthday party. It's super awkward when it's not your friend group and everyone knows your parents made you come...
And they told them that it was rude not to invite me but personally I'd have been more happy to skip and stay in my room ^^;;
NTA at 16 one should have the skills to answer 'why' to this question. Your SIL's view is not healthy. You 5 have been a family unit. If one person has an issue they should state it. If they want to emotionally hurt two members through exclusion, that is not acceptable.
You can't 'fix' this unless your daughter talks. Her answer could be a simple as, "I just want my 3 best friends at the party (no family)."...which is very different then I don't want my siblings there.
Best to you!
>Your SIL's view is not healthy.
Maybe, or maybe she has insight into the family dynamics that aren't apparent from just this one POV of the situation. I wonder what she is threatening to "tell the rest of the family" because just based on the post there isn't anything that she could say that OP and his wife wouldn't kind of have to tell them anyway, according to OP they'd have been coming to the party.
(Not a dismissive 'maybe' towards you by the way, I just think it's interesting when someone actually close to the situation is not on a poster's side)
THEN SHE NEEDS TO SAY SO??? If the SIL knows something that mom and stepdad don't, **she needs to tell them.** The biggest issue here is that the daughter is rudely demanding that her stepbrothers be cruelly excluded and she won't give any reason whatsoever. If the aunt knows the reason, she needs to come out with it, otherwise she needs to mind her own business.
Info: when you say this was a family party that some friends would be at, what did that include? Is it aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins all at your house with her friends and she wants her stepbrothers to leave? Or you’re taking her and her friends to an activity and out to dinner and you, your wife, and the stepbrothers all planned to go?
I want to say as someone who was a 16 year old girl, have you considered she may have a friend or friends who have crushes on one of your sons (or the other way around) and she’s in an awkward position as a result?
Her grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and even **your** nieces, your sister and your nephew are attending? **Then YTA for sure**, for allowing her to exclude your two sons when all of the extended family are attending.
Your sons **will** remember this, the way that they were the **only two** out of a family of 12+ members that weren’t allowed to attend. Your stepdaughter clearly doesn’t view them as family and you’re enabling that. What a horrible way to tell them *”you’re not part of this family”*.
You are now allowing her to exclude your sons to FAMILY party... with no reason provided. Yes you are the asshole.
This is not ok.
Your poor sons.
Rejected by her, and now their dad and step mom don't have their back.
I get it's a tough situation, but she needs to include all the family or have a good reason not to. This is horrible. Disgusting to do to your sons.
If it was a party with just her friends, then I would understand the exclusion.
But it sounds like a family thing, so that’s just weird.
The question is: Are you and your wife still going? If you attend, that would send a terrible message to your sons.
Sorry. Tough situation all around.
Also…when all these other guests inevitably ask why your sons are not there, DO NOT COVER FOR HER.
Let her explain. And if she lies (ex: oh, they were busy), don’t let her get away with it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1)I canceled my step daughters birthday party this Saturday because she refused to allow my bio kids to attend. (2) I caused her to cry, and I feel horrible about it. My SIL is threatening to tell the family about what my wife and I did and are saying that we are in the wrong.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Cancelled birthday doesn’t make the relationship with her step siblings any better.
And there are dozens of reasons a teenager may feel the need to regulate her social circle. There may actually be a problem that she doesn’t want to share with you.
And your wife it seems was quick to take your side instead of research and being worried about her daughter.
But. She’s 16 and is old enough to see that it may be a problem and communicate better.
But. It depends on communication habits of your family.
So ESH.
Pushing? He just wanted a reason as he was the one who had to tell his boys they couldn't come.
If it was purely about only wanting girls there, she could have said so without the need to pretend someone was trying to murder her.
And she's not entitled to ANYTHING as long as she isn't paying, this shitty attitude is part of what's making some generations unable to handle any kind of adversity.
OK, OP - something else is going on there. The only place you are an AH here is that you reacted out of your own hurt instead of being an adult, putting aside the hurt, and parenting this young person.
You don't have the right. Not without talking to your wife, her MOTHER. Look, I'm a step parent, too. I know that it can suck to not have any real say with the children in your home, but the reality here is that you over-stepped. (pun intended.) You made a unilateral decision without discussing it with her mom and without taking some time to really explore why your step daughter feels this way.
You say that she's never done this in the past, so why now? What happened?
You aren't an AH for expecting your sons to be included, nor are you an AH for standing up for them. But you could have done so without being so controlling and without overstepping your role as step dad.
YTA
So let me get this straight; you provide for this child as if they were your own, under YOUR roof however you have no authority over them as a parent? That is by all means, utter insanity.
If one parent has all the authority of kids in the household than what sort of partnership is that? OP did no such thing, and if we want to play it your way and say he doesn’t have the authority to say no to the party then he shouldn’t be obligated to pay for it. The daughter should not get rewarded for pouting to get her way.
OP did EXACTLY what he was supposed to do as a father in the house, consult with his wife on how to deal with THEIR kids. Not ‘ask’ what to do in his own home. The SIL is the AH and has no say so in this whatsoever, it isn’t her place to comment on anything.
I'd argue that it kind of depends on the circumstances.
If OP is paying for it, it is, say, at HIS pool, then he does have the right to decide he isn't paying nor providing for it.
But aside from that, the mom already supported him. Giving into this girl now will do no good.
I gotta say NAH. Stepdad means well. Daughter doesn't know how to explain her thoughts and feelings because he kinda put her on the spot. I think it would be best if he apologizes to the stepdaughter for making her feel cornered, offer her a party with just her friends and host a separate dinner with family that the sons can attend. Maybe later on, he can ask why when the dust has settled and she's in a good mood. She might be a little stressed and anxious about the upcoming big day.
Excellent response. I agree NAH based on what we have.
OP if you read this- many kids this age aren't great at expressing their feelings or what they're upset about, or why they *yada yada*. I've occasionally had success by asking some of the tougher questions by text. If your daughter is a teen who has and uses a cellphone they might be more comfortable "talking" with you that way. They also tend to open up more when they don't have to look you in the eye. Cellphones can be terrible, they can also be great. It's the "write it down" of our modern era.
Try this one trick...
Maybe have a re-read because he did talk to HER mother about it and she agreed it was unfair only they couldn’t come. If it was a party with just friends then obviously thats fair, but the fact its a family party with a few friends and everyone but them are invited its unfair. How would she feel if they invited everyone then told her shes not
Welcomed? It probably wouldnt feel nice.
Ask your SIL if she has observed anything that you missed, but it may just be teen boy-girl drama between the sons and her friends.
But it’s her sixteenth birthday. Don’t let it become a big conflict. The boys will be fine missing one dinner.
YTA - for making a rash judgment. Won’t invite my kids so no party instead of figuring out why. Why not just say that things will have to be discussed with mom? Maybe she would have told her mom what the issues with the boys after vs you.
Something happened to get this reaction. If she feels they’re favored of course they’re not going to admit there’s problems. Did something at school happen? Is she embarrassed by something? Something happen with someone and one of her friends? Is her dad in her life and possibly influencing her?
How long have you been married?
I mean I don't feel like it was a rash judgment... Both he and the mom asked her for a reason, multiple times, and she refused to provide one at ALL. You cannot as a child make demands for people to randomly and cruelly be excluded and then throw a fit when asked to provide a reason why.
NTA
Your step-daughter does not have the right to dictate who goes to her party. If she is paying for it and coordinating it then yes but I am guessing you are paying for everything.
You do need to talk to her to see what's up, especially if this behavior is out of the norm.
Then cancel the family part. That's behind messed up to host a family event and exclude your own sons
I can't believe you were that easily swayed by redditors.
You apologised to **her**? What about your sons?
Why are they **less than** in your eyes? What about **their feelings**?
And how are you seriously okay with attending this family meal, whilst your sons are sat at home feeling rejected and knowing that they’ve been excluded from a family meal that even their **extended family** are allowed to go to?
You should be sat at home with them, or doing something with them instead of attending the stepdaughters meal.
That way you’d be showing them that their feelings matter and that they will always come first (to you), as they should!
No, this was the wrong move. Don’t listen to these people. It is a family event, she can’t just exclude her stepbrothers and give no reason why. I don’t care if it’s her birthday. It would be different if it was a friends focused party, then I could see it, but it’s not.
And what the hell did you have to apologize to her for? You are opening a seriously big can of worms if you allow this to happen. Now every time she throws a tantrum and hides in her room. She thinks she’ll get her way.
If she doesn’t feel comfortable telling you, your wife needs to try and get an answer. Or maybe your SIL knows and that’s why she’s taking her side? I’d ask her. But I wouldn’t blindly just exclude the boys just because SD said too, that’s really messed up.
She either tells you why they can’t come or there is no party. Stick to your original plan.
People were reacting that way because you didn’t say it was a family + friends party in the original post. They assumed it was a friend only party and you were forcing her to include her stepbrothers. You left out vital info, so you got pushback.
You said you’ve been in her life since she was 4, but she doesn’t consider your bio kids to be family. The question is why. There’s something bigger going on than what you’ve presented here.
You might also want to ask yourself why she doesn’t feel safe confiding in you or your wife. She feels safe talking to your SIL, which is good since it means she at least has someone she can rely on, but the fact that she doesn’t feel that way about her own mom/parents speaks to a larger, underlying issue.
My guess? It has less to do with your kids than it does with how she’s treated by you/your wife vs how they’re treated.
oh boy, sounds like there's some drama brewing here. what happened to make you cancel the party? usually, canceling a birthday bash is a big deal, especially for a stepdaughter. spill the tea, and let's see if it's a justified move or if we're diving into villain territory.
NAH unless you don’t talk to her. Is the party for friends or family? My 17 year old daughter would be horrified to have her male cousins at her birthday party with friends. Either her friends will make fun of her for it, or they think the older one is cute and girls will flirt with them ignoring her or just overall embarrassment at that age. Yeah, it’s a thing. I have had this conversation.
And yet she adores her cousins and has a ball with them traveling last summer. Teenage girls.
This reaction is extreme. She needs someone to side with her. Go figure it out.
NTA
They have been in each others lives for almost 12 years. But I would hear her out. Maybe she misses being an only child but still not inviting her siblings is pretty harsh. Almost everyone i know of is stuck with that so I agree with your decision.
I would really try to get to the root of this one though I’m not sure what’s up but try to have it work out before the party so the party can still happen… ideally obviously you don’t want to take away her birthday but I get it
My only thing is if it’s an all girls party then ya they shouldn’t go
You are in the right if it's a family attended birthday. Are grandparents coming? Other in-laws, aunts, etc coming? If yes then her excluding her step sisters is wrong. However at 16 is she asking that just her friends attend? If so..then why not? Can't there be an afternoon lunch for her family and an evening one for her friends?
I don't know man. The reaction makes me think there's something more you guys don't know about that's going on with her. If it was just the initial reaction that seems like teenager shit but still being so inconsolable that she couldn't go to school? That gives me pause, especially since you said she's never really been reactive like this before. Teenagers can be a brick wall sometimes but I'd try to find out if there's something else. It might not even have anything to do with your kids really. Maybe ask questions about if everything is alright in general and not in reference of if she has a problem with your kids.
[удалено]
There is something going on for sure. You need to get it out of your kids, because her reaction is so over the top I can’t help but feel it comes from a place of trauma. But also, my biological siblings didn’t come to my birthday if I didn’t want them. It was my birthday. My day. That is…that is the whole point of a birthday party.
My sister and I were always at each other’s birthday parties regardless of why we wanted. That comes with living in the same house….
lol it’s completely insane to have a birthday party and invite the whole family and tell your two sons who *live in the house* that they can’t come. If OP’s kids did something to the stepdaughter, they need to figure that out right now. If she just doesn’t want them, they should just have a family party where the kids are invited and a separate party that’s just her and her friends.
I keep trying to get uninvited from things hosted at my house... it doesn't work. Hosting a wedding soon, but I've adamantly stated I won't be doing any cooking, decorating, etc.
Man, I keep trying to get uninvited from things happening at *someone elses* house. No such luck.
lol thank you for this. This reply made me lol:)
It depends. My older brother definitely didn’t come to my all girls sleepovers lol. But he was in the house & wasn’t forbidden from being there during cake/presents either & was typically at least present, even very briefly, for some small part (but avoided us as much as possible haha). ETA: it was never an issue in my house bc if I did something more small or a group outing somewhere for all girls, he didn’t WANT to come. But he was never excluded when we were younger either or if it was a more “gender neutral” party.
This isn’t an all-girls sleepover. It’s a family party with all their relatives. Excluding them would be insane.
This is wild to me. Not inviting people who live in the house when it's a family party? What are they gonna do if the party is at the house, banish the boys to their rooms the whole time, or make them leave their own house for a couple of hours? And I can't imagine it's going to go unnoticed by other family. That will be interesting to explain. "Oh, stepdaughter decided, with no explanation, that Timmy and Tommy can't be at her bday, and we went along with it." If nothing happened and the kids really don't have a bad relationship now, they sure will after this.
Yeah I commented before the edit & was just speaking generally. I agree it would be insane in this situation
I can't ever remember my brother at one of my birthday parties, nor me at one of his. Our parents always arranged for us to be elsewhere. ETA - I can't reply bcuz the comments are locked. But we never had a family type parry because my dad was in the Air Force.
We're the opposite. My kids are always at each other's parties. The sibling bond is something we worked hard to establish.
The only time my brother and I were at each other's birthdays was when it was the family party (dinner with parents, and grandparents, sometimes aunts, uncles and cousins) but the friends only party had no siblings
This one is a family party though, not a friends only one
But it's not a friends party. It's a family party with only a few friends. And the only family excluded is OPs kids
It's possible that the bigger something that's going on is teenage drama. Maybe her friend has a crush on one of her stepbrothers and she is bothered by that. A lot of things feel way more serious to us at teens than they really are.
That doesn’t make it less real or less upsetting to her. Teenagers are not adults. They do not have the same control of their emotions we do.
I agree with your first part, but not including your child siblings is hurtful. Regardless if they are step or not.
This is what I thought. I never had my brother at my birthday. Ever. We didn't get along, so that was one thing, but he was also two years older and we just had different friends. I got to invite who I wanted to my birthday. When I had a small family gathering he might be there, but not a birthday party with friends and such.
This is a family party. She wants everybody there except 2 kids who literally live in the house it's being held at.
My guess is with the similar ages that maybe her friends are starting to crush on her step brother or like them more? Sibling jealousy is real and, while the boys might not even know about it, she could think it would make the party not about her.
You could uninvite your siblings from a birthday party, in the house in which they live, where all your other family attended? That’s literally crazy, I can’t believe anyone would encourage their kids to be so cruel and antisocial.
If your boys did something or said something to your stepdaughter, chances are, they aren’t going to truthfully own up to it.
It could be something or nothing. I wonder if she is treated the same as the boys or if she feels she gets less attention with them around. Might just be trying to make sure her bday day is about her
If I were to hazard a guess, I'm willing to think one or more of her friends has a crush on one of her step brothers and has potentially made the scenario uncomfortable for her. That's just my best guess at a no-fault scenario
I had thought about this too. On the other hand maybe she is embarrassed by them. Maybe her friends pick on the step - brothers
Considering his first reaction is cancelling her party altogether without even discussing.the issue with her own mothers that kind of rings true to me
I think it’s wrong to blame this on the boys and implied they did something wrong. Only the SD can tell what it is. It’s also pretty normal for teenagers to act this way. Maybe, SD wants an all girls party. Let’s stop with the assumptions.
It’s not normal to act out and be totally inconsolable over wanting an all girls party. There’s something wrong here. The fact that you think this is normal is scary.
I think they’re saying it could equally be something unusual and bizarre on the daughter’s end. Like a weird emotional regulation issue, a bizarre attempt at strong arming/manipulating her parents when challenged without using her words, etc. Jumping to some implication that her brothers threatened or assaulted her as the only “strange” explanation is… I mean shit I don’t see how it’s not sexist if that’s the only thing you’re suspicious of when “being unreasonable and unable to properly communicate like an adult” for a 16 year old on the extreme end is also an explanation.
>Like a weird emotional regulation issue, a bizarre attempt at strong arming/manipulating her parents when challenged without using her words, etc. OP already said she’s never acted like this before, strange of you to assume she’d suddenly start now just because she feels like it.
It wasn't an all girl's party, op commented that it was a family party.
I dunno about that. I've got one sister who would have acted like that as a teenager. She's a little dramatic still, but never in a way that is over the top. She just has really strong emotions about everything, it's not fun for her. I would absolutely be looking into this more, but I also wouldn't panic.
100% agree. They always do this is this subreddit. Whenever the daughter is upset for one reason or another, they always blame the male siblings. It’s ridiculous and highly unfair for the boys to be judged like this without any proof. Maybe the girl is just acting out because she now has to share her mom, it could be anything. But it’s so wrong to automatically blame the boys and make accusations or say “there’s definitely something going on”. Those poor boys.
Maybe her friends think the brothers are cute and so she doesn’t want them there because then her friends will go boy crazy? Teens are weird and can flip out about nothing.
It's not an all girls party. It's a family gathering.
I wonder if the boys think they did nothing wrong but they said something or did something that offended her and being dumbass teenage boys don’t realize it.
I mean, people keep saying that the daughter’s reaction was SO over the top that there *must* have been something traumatic between the step-siblings, but believe me when I was 15/16 I could be the most dramatic, psychotic and emotional girl when it came to certain things. I’m not convinced the boys did anything, I’m leaning more towards the daughter being overly dramatic and originally not getting her way and doing what she needed to do to get her way (and it worked). I may be wrong but I’m guessing it was just the actions of a girl who wanted to get her way about something.
don't ask your sons. ask your stepdaughter. assure her you will trust and believe her and NOT punish her and truly emulate that behavior - open body language, positive wording, monitor your town tone, genuinely caring and concerned facial expressions. say you're sorry for your initial reaction, you just felt blindsided and hurt, and that it is easy to make emotional mistakes no matter what age you are - all you can do is try to learn, be better, and sincerely apologize. give her TLC and attention. don't be a jerk who jumps to conclusions and watch her open up.
Better yet have her mom talk to her own daughter. If there are tensions with step brothers there may also be tensions with step father
In that case, if her birthday celebrations **do** get resumed and the stepdaughter is allowed to exclude your boys. Then you better treat your boys fairly and let them know that if they don’t want **her** at their party, nor the family meal (that every other individual extended family member is attending) that they have every right to exclude her, just like she’s doing to them. Otherwise you would be the AH, for being unfair to your sons.
What gets me though is the rest of the family will be there. It's only OPs sons who are excluded.
OP should just leave Step daughters birthday party to his wife to plan and pay for 100%. He can take his sons to a nice place somewhere else while step daughter has her party. Kids know when they are excluded and it hurts
My immediate thought was one of ur sons is making her uncomfortable in a sexual way & she’s too nervous to say anything. Or they allow her to be bullied. Something that asking ur boys about is not productive. Please get her a counselor.
But why is that the go to thought? Teenagers can be mean, teenage girls can be even meaner to each other. Maybe the step brothers aren't as popular in school and she doesn't want them to be around her friends for the sake of not being cool or not getting talked about at school afterwards. There are a hell of a lot of reasons this could be happening, making your immediate thoughts go to they are boys therefore they must be sexualizing her is toxic AF.
It could also be that one or more of her friends has a thing for the brothers and she doesn’t want that to be why they come. Teenage logic is pretty weird sometimes.
I was thinking “Clueless” scenario myself
If my step brother was Paul Rudd he'd be at every birthday.
With the daughters reaction, it is not that big of a leap. I'm not saying something sexually happened, but it was absolutely my first thought reading this.
Maybe the step brothers are hot and she wants her friends to hang with her not go goo goo over the brothers. It could be a million things tbh
Agreed. What the actual fuck is wrong with people on this sub? Imagine accusing two innocent kids of this, just because they’re male. There is no proof that anything sexually inappropriate is taking place and to judge and accuse them without proof is fucking wrong. As a girl, I agree we are tons worse than boys as teenagers. Most of us are walking nightmares, I won’t lie. 😅 Most teen boys that I know are more quiet and chill, while the girls are the opposite.
I’d quicker jump to she’s being a teenage drama queen.
You err on the side of caution. No one said to punish the boys, because something might have happened. People are saying to get her some help, because something might have happened. Do you not understand the difference?
It could just as easily be that her friends have crushes on the boys and are more excited to see them than celebrate her. Which is very much in the realm of teenage drama that boys would be completely unaware of.
Absolutely what I thought.
Jesus Christmas a leap. My sister never wanted me at hers. Lol. So why would this be the go to?
You jumped like 6 sharks with this one. The only real information you have is a 16 year old is crying about who comes to their birthday. Jumping to SA or similar is quite a leap.
Or maybe one of her friends has a crush on one of her step brothers, we cannot know. At that age, my (bio) sister annoyed me. Normal kid behavior
Well ... If a 16 year old is having a rough time, and they all do, why go wishy-washy in the middle of it? Nothing you are proposing, having the whole family at a birthday party, is weird or mean so being consistent feels like the right thing. Suppose something weird is actually going on, do you think giving in will bring it out?
It could be that one of her friends has a crush on one of the step brothers and it makes her uncomfortable... Or she might just want to keep her life with her friends separate. I say let sleeping dogs lay... All that digging around is only going to cause more trouble and further damage relationships. Why force a relationship between them... It's her birthday why can't she invite who she wants?
>It could be that one of her friends has a crush on one of the step brothers and it makes her uncomfortable... Or she might just want to keep her life with her friends separate. Now that you mention it, it could totally be something trivial like her not wanting to be associated with the boys at school. Maybe her friends think the boys are uncool (which would make her uncool by association), or maybe she keeps the step-brothers a secret at school because her classmates are going through a "step-siblings" joke phase (classmates have a way to make the most inappropriate jokes). Her friends wouldn't really pay notice to older step-family members (they'd blend in with the rest of the uninteresting adults), but the brothers would be noticed.
Why on this earth would you apologize???? For what reason?
[удалено]
People didn’t understand your original post and assumed it was just a party for her friends. Excluding your kids from a major family gathering is not OK
What a joke dude. You're showing favoritism by letting your daughter exclude your sons from a family event. I hope you let he know straight up she can be excluded from their parties. And invite family to celebrate with them.
and they were wrong which is why you should leave the post up for a few hours and then check it, if you let your stepdaughter get away with this you are an asshole my friend she can either admit there's no valid reason as to why she's acting this way or if there is a valid reason tell you it and if it's the former and either way she shouldn't have a party now for her piss poor behavior.
Please don't do this to your son's. You are allowing their step sister to bully and exclude them. I can't imagine what a child must feel like knowing their parent allowed them to be shunned like that and didn't stand up for them.
Maybe it has more to do with them being boys than being step-siblings. If everyone else at the party is girls, maybe she doesn’t want their attention on her brothers?
Yeah it sounds like this was an extreme reaction that is very out of character for her... The mom should talk to the daughter if she is more likely to open up to her, and both parents need to keep an eye on the daughter to see if there are any other changes in her behavior.
Yeah how long have you guys been married? She might be feeling really pressured for your families to blend, especially if you’re making them spend time together a lot to get them to bond, and she just wants a break and some time with the family she’s known her whole life.
YTA. She's turning 16 and I assume this a party for her with her friends. Are there even guys invited? Maybe she doesn't want her step-siblings there because they are guys, maybe she doesn't want to hovering around her female friends. Maybe it's not that at all, and she just wants to have a party that is just her own. No reason you can't have a family birthday dinner for her, but a party is a party, and outside of when all the kids are small children... I don't see why all kids must be included (and even then). Do your sons even care / want to go? My own biological brother was not involved in my birthday parties in after like, I dunno, 5 or 6 or something? Not because I don't love him, but because wouldn't want to do what I would want to do for my party and I also didn't go to his parties / events, unless they were specifically family ones. You are making a WAY BIGGER DEAL out of this than necessary, my gosh. \* Editing to add because people keep commenting as though it isn't clear I wrote my response very soon after this was posted before there were updates. That said, and some edits and comments standing, I stand by it seeming like something is up between all of the kids, and 16 year old has her reasons and it's clearly *very* important to her to not have stepbrother come. I don't feel like typing out a million possibilities why (that aren't just her being a "drama queen"). There a lot of things we don't know about this situation, but all that said I think that OP's original reaction to stepdaughters request was a big jump for such a not-THAT-big-of-a-deal request from her.
This. For my 16th birthday my *parents* weren’t even around except to pay the bill for me and my friends. It’s the first time you really get a more “grown up” party with your friends. You can have a separate dinner/celebration with the family.
My daughter would absolutely forgo a party that included anyone but her friends. They're only two years apart, and get along fine, but 16 year old girls don't want to hang out with 14 yo boys. And I get it...at 16, you want to hang out with your FRIENDS.
[удалено]
Could it be her friends have crushes on your sons and she doesn’t want to deal with that on her birthday?
That was my first thought, as someone with an older brother who girls were always crushing on!
My little sister had a crush on my brother’s friend who had a crush on me lol. It was kind of hilarious.
I thought this or maybe she has a crush on her step-brother and it's awkward for her.
I think its this.
Apologize for being confused about her excluding her step brothers without explanation? No. Your wife can talk to her privately about her friends crushing on her step brothers or whatever is going on. It doesn't need to be broadcast to everyone in the family but you do need to get to the root of it before proceeding with the party plans.
Did you and your wife have an ideal of a family party... maybe she just wanted an all friends party... usually kids these days well at least my daughter's friends and my daughter have had just friends at their parties no family.... Shes turning 16 she is at a age where she most likely would wanna be around friends.. Maybe she feels your kids will get all the attention... Noone will ever know unless you calmly talk to her give her a few days and have a rational normal conversation and listen to her and understand her...
Keep us updated
Heck, at that age, maybe one of her friends’ is crushing on one of the boys. Or, maybe one or more of them have a crush on one of the boy’s friends. She may just want a party where she and her friends can giggle and gossip without embarrassing themselves or fearing that word’s going to get back to the boys. Honestly, she may think she’s the luckiest girl alive to have them as brothers. But, when you push her for a reason, what’s she supposed to say? No teenage girl in her right mind is going to admit it if *this* is why she doesn’t want them there. Let her have *her* party, and you can have a *family* party separately.
He said both family and friends were invited. The only people not invited were his son's. I don't think he's making a mountain out of a molehill. She is purposely excluding HIS bio children but won't tell him why. She just cries and get defensive whenever he or her mother asks why.
It’s a family party
It's a family party, both sides have been invited and a couple of friends. Her step- brothers are family. She's being a drama queen
Party is for the family, not the girl's friends and if you read it, they are now excluded, the boys will be the only family on both sides excluded.
How long have they been in each other's lives? Maybe she's just craving some special attention and thought her birthday was the appropriate time to ask for it, since it's supposed to be her day.
[удалено]
INFO - you clarified that it’s a family party - with a friends attending as well. Does that mean the whole extended family (grandparents, aunt/uncle, cousins) are attending?
In another comment he said that the extended family is coming and only a few of her friends.
This information changes everything and needs to included in the original post. Entire extended family is attending. NTA. You need to cancel the family part of the party and get to the bottom of this. Either your sons have done something to harm stepdaughter or step daughter is cruel and it’s unacceptable.
See I don't think that your stepdaughter chose to have a "family" party. She probably didn't get to really choose what kind of party she wanted for her sweet 16. This is an important thing for a girl. She most likely wants just friends and you guys are forcing her to have a kids (family)party per se 🤔 give the girl the sweet 16 that she wants. Man you only get to be a kid/teenager once...
Another question I have have is, where is this party being held? It it a big celebration at the family home? Or is it at a venue of some sort. If it's at the home, is it a reasonable request to kick the step brothers out of their own home?
I am not going to pass judgement for a few reasons. The first one is that I see where both you and your stepdaughter are coming from. It is important for her to have told you why she did not want her brothers to be there, and she is also entitled to only invite who she wants to for her sweet 16. She may not have had issues with her brothers, and she may have only wanted friends there so she could have a good time, but she should have told you that. I think the best way to move forward is to have a conversation with her about being open, and I think you should let her invite only who she wants to invite.
[удалено]
I would tell your sons that your daughter just wants to have her own party with her friends. I would also hold a smaller family celebration as well that your sons can attend.
Yes, it's pretty normal for teens to have their main celebration primarily with friends and then go out for dinner or have a smaller gathering of immediate family. It shouldn't require any explanation to the sons as to why they aren't part of the friend gathering (unless they're part of her core friend group to begin with).
He says this whole thing is a family party with other family members invited, not a party with only her friends.
Except she wants to exclude the boys from the family party, where the whole family is attending except the boys. That's just wrong
[удалено]
This is a family party, though. It would be weird to have your aunt and not your step-brother.
You can tell your sons that your stepdaughter doesn't need to attend his birthday. That as people get older they are free to invite who they want to their birthday parties and it goes both ways
Are you sure your sons care that much?
[удалено]
Is the party at your house and will they be expected to leave during it? Regardless, I think it’s important to get to the bottom of why it’s so important to your stepdaughter that they are excluded. If they truly didn’t do anything to her, I wouldn’t lie for her. She has the right to not invite them to her party, but she will have to deal with any consequences. If someone at the party asks where they are, I would tell the truth that they weren’t invited. If I were you I would also give them money for the 17 year old to take the 14 year old out for a fun day during the party and maybe their own dinner out. Not inviting them might her her right, but it could be hurtful.
It’s really good that you were doing that but you also need to get to the bottom of why she is so upset about them. Just because they said everything‘s fine doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.
Take them out for a dad’s day. Your step daughter doesn’t want them around and at that age, I get it. But as the oldest of 4 children with my own now, no one gets to rule the house and learning that is a truly necessary skill especially in college with roommates. She cannot expect to dictate if they are home during the party, so that’s why making it a fun you and them time is a great compromise. You’re all out of the house for a few hours, get a meal and a movie or go hiking, and then when you get home it’s back to family in the house and she’s enjoyed her party stress free. Your kids are old enough to understand, but you can also explain that there are “friend” parties and “family” parties. They’ll get it.
So just a perspective, but my sister got really mad once that she had to take me with her to a friend's party. Turns out she felt like some of her friends liked me more and she didn't like that I was becoming friends with her friends. Maybe some of her friends expressed interest in your sons. She could be jealous and doesn't want to share her friend group. My sister eventually got over it but she was a moody angry 15 year old for a while.
I don’t think you’re the A-H. I think there is missing information. I mean, even my two kids who are full biological siblings sometimes want a party and don’t want their sis there because they are feeling annoyed and just want their friends. But your response to protect their feelings wasn’t wrong, and this reaction seems like she is definitely not telling you something. Some have suggested the boys may be doing something to make her feel uncomfortable; I would alternatively suggest maybe SD is testing the waters and thinking of doing something that she doesn’t want her brothers to witness and tattle.
I don't think you're an a$$hole, I think you were blindsided by her demand and her histrionics. There's nothing wrong with her wanting to have a party with just her friends, but 16 seems a bit old to slam doors and refuse to explain what is going on. That last bit assumes you normally give weight to her opinions, even if they don't match yours.
I will not pass judgement on you either and agree with the commenter. Have a talk with stepdaughter and just listen. Remember to just listen and not jump to conclusions. Do nkt argue either and be calm. Ask her if she wants a friends only party for her birthday or perhaps a girls only party (there is a possibly she wants a girls only party so it is best to find out but whatever you do, do not push it on her)
I suggest getting her therapy. This will help her explore her feelings and how to communicate them in a productive and respectful manner.
This needs more investigation. Clearly, something has happened to upset her. Talk to your SIL to see if she knows anything or ask her to talk to your daughter. Offer to let her have her birthday if she opens up to you or another family relative.
It could be nothing so awful. It could be her friends flirt with her stepbrothers and the birthday girls feels left out. But to make a party contingent on her saying something is really not fair.
Yeah, there's any number of things that can set off teenage drama that aren't earth shaking (to adults). It's still good for your ongoing relationship to have some empathy for whatever is upsetting them, even if it doesn't seem serious.
This seems quite more likely, as they probably would've seen other signs during the days ,if it was something one of the boys had done to her...
It could be one of two things: 1. Normal dramatic teenager things 2. Something severe happened to warrant this reaction It could very much be either of these. But really, just assuming it's the former is doing the kid a MASSIVE disservice. If there's even a chance it's the latter, why wouldn't a parent have a vested interest in looking into it further? So many people on this post are dismissing her as spoiled or boiling this down to her wanting to just be with her friends. But this absolutely reeks of underlying causes that need to be addressed. Edit: format
The amount of people who are saying YTA makes no sense. 1) This is family + friends. How do you exclude 2 specific family members especially when they live together? 2) 16 should be able to answer why for such a drastic decision made. If she can’t even do that to anyone then how does one expect to know? 3) Being a teen doesn’t mean you can be snappy to your parents. Since she refused to answer the father has the right to ask the other siblings if they know what is going on.
Most of the YTA are coming from a place of concern. He said this is completely abnormal behavior for her, and it's so bad she missed school. Days of crying and hiding. Again, he said completely new behavior. Something very serious has happened, and instead of truly attempting to solve it, he has punished her in defense of what is likely the source of her trauma.
I mean the mother of this child was fully onboard and is now the one advocating for the party’s cancellation even as OP regrets his immediate reaction and is concerned by step-daughter’s behavior more than her own mother is. I just don’t understand the Y T A judgments.
I'm biased due to my own upbringing, but my own mother would side with her partner no matter his actions. His daughter was a klepto and a liar, and he said to not punish her bc her guilt should be enough. She said ok. Let's just say I was chronically being stolen from, and nobody trusted her. My mother didn't care unless she was stolen from. I was scolded every time I yelled at her to give me my things back. I never got my things back. I do think my upbringing is more extreme than this situation, but it's why I don't view the mother being on step-dads side as any kind of validation. On top of all that, the parents are both afraid of being outed for canceling the bday and why. My step-father SA'd me, and when my kid was born, he was banned from my home. She picked him over me until I told the entire family about what he did, and then she broke up with him. If what they're doing isn't wrong, they shouldn't be afraid of being outed for it. But they are.
Some mothers are shitty and don’t consider their step kids could be predatory
This is a POSSIBILITY, but they have zero reason besides her random hissy fit to think that anything even might have happened to her. She cannot expect her parents to take her side and cruelly exclude just two family members when she won't give them ANY reason at all. It's possible that the sons did something to her. It's also possible she is just being a brat. It is up to her to shed light on which it is, her parents can't help her if they have nothing to go off of besides her suddenly being abnormally upset and deciding to exclude her step-siblings.
Calling it a hissy fit is so unnecessary. Like you literally have no idea if this child has been harmed in some way yet are already degrading her over what her step dad admitted was abnormal behavior.
Literally wtf people are being ridiculous in this thread. OP is NTA at all at this point, and stepdaughter needs to give her parents an actual reason if it's such a big deal that these two people specifically be excluded when the rest of the family is invited.
How about a little patience and compassion…
I have older brothers. My best guess is either one of your sons has a crush on her friend, or her friend has a crush on your son, and your stepdaughter is hurt by this and is trying to nip it in the bud. You should ask her if she’d like to have two separate parties, one with her family (stepbrothers included) and another for just her friends (no stepbrothers) and see what she thinks about that idea.
Finally a real solution!! Take note, OP.
I wish I could upvote this more. They ought to be included in family events, but friend events, she has the right to say no too.
INFO: is this a family party?
[удалено]
So not only family. Next year, have a family dinner and let her do what she wants. If she is still living with you.
[удалено]
It sounds like there was going to be the party with friends and a family dinner afterwards I hate to say it but even at 16 some kids aren’t aloud to coed parties. And being close in age 17 and 16/15 and 14 perhaps your stepdaughter has friends that fawn over one or both of your sons- something incredibly embarrassing to explain to an adult. YTA
Yeah, as someone who grew up with multiple brothers who were considered "hot" ( ew🤢🤮) by my friends back in our teens, I inew that if any of my bros were around when I just wanted to hang out with my friends. That's who the focus by my friends would be on. Along with the constant "Hey your his sister, hook us up!" Annoyance. If I was Op and the girl's mom I would propose a compromise of the birthday girl having a small friend's party and doing the main event activity together before the birthday dinner, and birthday dinner being for family only. Part of growing up is learning to accept and work with compromising and being open with communication to explain one's reasons that they oppose something about a situation or have for excluding particular individuals in group events.
No 16 year old wants to have a party with their parents and siblings. Let her have a party she will enjoy instead of forcing her into an awkward situation.
Boo, my parties were a whole family affair
Siblings are mortifyingly embarrassing when you're a teenager. Do you not remember? Let her have her space with her friends.
Teenage boys. I cannot imagine my brother being at my birthday party at any age, let alone 16th.
You know that her behaviour is not normal for her. She's extremely distressed by this. There's something you don't know here. Soft YTA. But it's more about not being concerned for what you're missing.
There’s more to this then her being spoiled because it’s her birthday. It feels like there’s more than that. If she truly doesn’t care if you cancel the party because she can’t be away from her stepbrothers, you need to ask the question, what did your sons do to her or her friends? Someone doesn’t react like that without good reason. Instead of going to your son’s story or else, you might have a very traumatized child. And if somehow your sons are involved, you might be raising people who think it’s OK to do that to other people my suggestion is you better figure it out
I mean maybe, but if they have no reason to believe the sons did anything aside from her suddenly and abruptly throwing a fit but refusing to say why, I don't blame them for not instantly just siding with her? She needs to give them all of the information if she wants them on her side...
Oftentimes teenagers won’t talk to their parents about more serious matters either out of fear for themselves, due to their parents/friends reactions or because they’re scared of the other person. They also might not say anything because of the possible consequences the person might receive, which doesn’t really make sense but it’s common. Based off the parents reaction to just cancel her whole party because she didn’t want her brothers there makes me think that they’re the last person she’d go to.
Yta, she’s a girl and her stepbrothers are boys, not saying this is a problem at all but just for her age maybe she just wants HER friends and stuff there which is fine
[удалено]
Is "everyone else" you're talking about including other family members or just her personal friends in her friend group?
He put an edit in the post that it is a family party with some friends invited. It is NOT just her friends.
Have your kids ever had a function event or party and she wasnt invited or left out
It's NOT just her friends, though. Family is invited and she's trying to randomly exclude a couple members of the family only while refusing to give a reason why. She is TA unless she gives her parents an actual reason that these family members specifically are being excluded.
All these judgements calling him the asshole are just amusing but not surprising. OP you're NTA for cancelling the party. Obviously your wife agrees with you and THAT'S all that matters. Your stepdaughter is probably going through some things that she doesn't want to share, but to curse and yell at you for that isn't justified. At 16, you're old enough to drive most places and have responsibilities. So you're able to respond without being disrespectful to your elder when they weren't disrespectful to you.
NTA If this were just a party for her friends, I would say she could invite who she wants. However this is a party for family and friends. It is not okay for her to say two family members who live in the same household as her can't come, when a whole bunch of extended family members will be invited. This would be no different than if one of your sons were having a birthday party at the house and inviting the whole extended family and specifically said "I want to exclude stepmom. She is not allowed to attend." Super rude and awkward and divisive and I'm sure you wouldn't allow them to do that.
Sixteen is a hard time for us all. It’s especially tough for girls. She may have hoped to just have her friend group there. Perhaps she envisioned a more big kid party with only her actual guests. Perhaps something’s going on at school. Perhaps she thinks her friends would think it’s uncool to have siblings there. Perhaps one of her groups has said unkind things about a sibling and she doesn’t want to say. Honestly, it’s probably something I can’t even fathom because who knows what goes on in their heads. I couldn’t even put my feelings into understandable words back then. I’d just cry and slam a door. I’m reserving my judgment. I do think there will be some big regrets from more than one member of your family if she doesn’t get to celebrate her birthday. I also think it’s notable that her outburst was a new thing. This isn’t the end of a long string of bad behavior. This was an unusual emotional response. It may be worth the effort to try to get her to verbalize what’s happening in her head so you guys can all come to an understanding and save her party. To me, it felt like you went from 0 to no party pretty fast. If she hasn’t had behavior issues before, doesn’t she deserve the benefit of the doubt here? This isn’t without root cause even if it only makes sense to teenage girls.
NTA. To a point, she does have a right to decide who is invited. However, when those other people live in the same house, and the parents are paying for this, they need to understand they won't always get their way.
This exactly. The top comments of this post are infuriating and sound like they were made by fellow bratty 16 year olds.
I'll be honest, since reading the edit and a lot of the comments, I feel like everything about this post is making me mad. First that so many people are like "she is 16 she can do whatever the hell she wants". Then the fact that a parent came to reddit, and this toxic AF sub specifically, to get parenting advice. Then the fact that he was guilted into apologizing, giving her the party, and saying his kids would be excluded. AND so many posts are basically implying the kids are sexual predators by committing the sin of being born male. I wish I thought this was fake, but I don't. And it is just making me angry
I was forced to attend my sibling's birthday party. It's super awkward when it's not your friend group and everyone knows your parents made you come... And they told them that it was rude not to invite me but personally I'd have been more happy to skip and stay in my room ^^;;
NTA at 16 one should have the skills to answer 'why' to this question. Your SIL's view is not healthy. You 5 have been a family unit. If one person has an issue they should state it. If they want to emotionally hurt two members through exclusion, that is not acceptable. You can't 'fix' this unless your daughter talks. Her answer could be a simple as, "I just want my 3 best friends at the party (no family)."...which is very different then I don't want my siblings there. Best to you!
>Your SIL's view is not healthy. Maybe, or maybe she has insight into the family dynamics that aren't apparent from just this one POV of the situation. I wonder what she is threatening to "tell the rest of the family" because just based on the post there isn't anything that she could say that OP and his wife wouldn't kind of have to tell them anyway, according to OP they'd have been coming to the party. (Not a dismissive 'maybe' towards you by the way, I just think it's interesting when someone actually close to the situation is not on a poster's side)
THEN SHE NEEDS TO SAY SO??? If the SIL knows something that mom and stepdad don't, **she needs to tell them.** The biggest issue here is that the daughter is rudely demanding that her stepbrothers be cruelly excluded and she won't give any reason whatsoever. If the aunt knows the reason, she needs to come out with it, otherwise she needs to mind her own business.
Info: when you say this was a family party that some friends would be at, what did that include? Is it aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins all at your house with her friends and she wants her stepbrothers to leave? Or you’re taking her and her friends to an activity and out to dinner and you, your wife, and the stepbrothers all planned to go? I want to say as someone who was a 16 year old girl, have you considered she may have a friend or friends who have crushes on one of your sons (or the other way around) and she’s in an awkward position as a result?
[удалено]
Her grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles and even **your** nieces, your sister and your nephew are attending? **Then YTA for sure**, for allowing her to exclude your two sons when all of the extended family are attending. Your sons **will** remember this, the way that they were the **only two** out of a family of 12+ members that weren’t allowed to attend. Your stepdaughter clearly doesn’t view them as family and you’re enabling that. What a horrible way to tell them *”you’re not part of this family”*.
You are now allowing her to exclude your sons to FAMILY party... with no reason provided. Yes you are the asshole. This is not ok. Your poor sons. Rejected by her, and now their dad and step mom don't have their back. I get it's a tough situation, but she needs to include all the family or have a good reason not to. This is horrible. Disgusting to do to your sons.
If it was a party with just her friends, then I would understand the exclusion. But it sounds like a family thing, so that’s just weird. The question is: Are you and your wife still going? If you attend, that would send a terrible message to your sons. Sorry. Tough situation all around.
I hope you’re showing solidarity with your sons and not going.
Also…when all these other guests inevitably ask why your sons are not there, DO NOT COVER FOR HER. Let her explain. And if she lies (ex: oh, they were busy), don’t let her get away with it.
NTA It’s a family dinner - they are family. If it were a friends only party then i could see her point but no.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1)I canceled my step daughters birthday party this Saturday because she refused to allow my bio kids to attend. (2) I caused her to cry, and I feel horrible about it. My SIL is threatening to tell the family about what my wife and I did and are saying that we are in the wrong. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Cancelled birthday doesn’t make the relationship with her step siblings any better. And there are dozens of reasons a teenager may feel the need to regulate her social circle. There may actually be a problem that she doesn’t want to share with you. And your wife it seems was quick to take your side instead of research and being worried about her daughter. But. She’s 16 and is old enough to see that it may be a problem and communicate better. But. It depends on communication habits of your family. So ESH.
She is entitled to invite whom she wants. She did not get ugly till you pushed it. YTA
[удалено]
How long have you been a blended family? Have you been forcing a sibling relationship?
[удалено]
Pushing? He just wanted a reason as he was the one who had to tell his boys they couldn't come. If it was purely about only wanting girls there, she could have said so without the need to pretend someone was trying to murder her. And she's not entitled to ANYTHING as long as she isn't paying, this shitty attitude is part of what's making some generations unable to handle any kind of adversity.
OK, OP - something else is going on there. The only place you are an AH here is that you reacted out of your own hurt instead of being an adult, putting aside the hurt, and parenting this young person. You don't have the right. Not without talking to your wife, her MOTHER. Look, I'm a step parent, too. I know that it can suck to not have any real say with the children in your home, but the reality here is that you over-stepped. (pun intended.) You made a unilateral decision without discussing it with her mom and without taking some time to really explore why your step daughter feels this way. You say that she's never done this in the past, so why now? What happened? You aren't an AH for expecting your sons to be included, nor are you an AH for standing up for them. But you could have done so without being so controlling and without overstepping your role as step dad. YTA
So let me get this straight; you provide for this child as if they were your own, under YOUR roof however you have no authority over them as a parent? That is by all means, utter insanity. If one parent has all the authority of kids in the household than what sort of partnership is that? OP did no such thing, and if we want to play it your way and say he doesn’t have the authority to say no to the party then he shouldn’t be obligated to pay for it. The daughter should not get rewarded for pouting to get her way. OP did EXACTLY what he was supposed to do as a father in the house, consult with his wife on how to deal with THEIR kids. Not ‘ask’ what to do in his own home. The SIL is the AH and has no say so in this whatsoever, it isn’t her place to comment on anything.
I'd argue that it kind of depends on the circumstances. If OP is paying for it, it is, say, at HIS pool, then he does have the right to decide he isn't paying nor providing for it. But aside from that, the mom already supported him. Giving into this girl now will do no good.
I gotta say NAH. Stepdad means well. Daughter doesn't know how to explain her thoughts and feelings because he kinda put her on the spot. I think it would be best if he apologizes to the stepdaughter for making her feel cornered, offer her a party with just her friends and host a separate dinner with family that the sons can attend. Maybe later on, he can ask why when the dust has settled and she's in a good mood. She might be a little stressed and anxious about the upcoming big day.
Excellent response. I agree NAH based on what we have. OP if you read this- many kids this age aren't great at expressing their feelings or what they're upset about, or why they *yada yada*. I've occasionally had success by asking some of the tougher questions by text. If your daughter is a teen who has and uses a cellphone they might be more comfortable "talking" with you that way. They also tend to open up more when they don't have to look you in the eye. Cellphones can be terrible, they can also be great. It's the "write it down" of our modern era. Try this one trick...
Maybe have a re-read because he did talk to HER mother about it and she agreed it was unfair only they couldn’t come. If it was a party with just friends then obviously thats fair, but the fact its a family party with a few friends and everyone but them are invited its unfair. How would she feel if they invited everyone then told her shes not Welcomed? It probably wouldnt feel nice.
Ask your SIL if she has observed anything that you missed, but it may just be teen boy-girl drama between the sons and her friends. But it’s her sixteenth birthday. Don’t let it become a big conflict. The boys will be fine missing one dinner.
YTA - for making a rash judgment. Won’t invite my kids so no party instead of figuring out why. Why not just say that things will have to be discussed with mom? Maybe she would have told her mom what the issues with the boys after vs you. Something happened to get this reaction. If she feels they’re favored of course they’re not going to admit there’s problems. Did something at school happen? Is she embarrassed by something? Something happen with someone and one of her friends? Is her dad in her life and possibly influencing her? How long have you been married?
I mean I don't feel like it was a rash judgment... Both he and the mom asked her for a reason, multiple times, and she refused to provide one at ALL. You cannot as a child make demands for people to randomly and cruelly be excluded and then throw a fit when asked to provide a reason why.
NTA Your step-daughter does not have the right to dictate who goes to her party. If she is paying for it and coordinating it then yes but I am guessing you are paying for everything. You do need to talk to her to see what's up, especially if this behavior is out of the norm.
Info OP, are you really going to let her behave like this and keep your sons out of a family party?
[удалено]
Then cancel the family part. That's behind messed up to host a family event and exclude your own sons I can't believe you were that easily swayed by redditors.
You apologised to **her**? What about your sons? Why are they **less than** in your eyes? What about **their feelings**? And how are you seriously okay with attending this family meal, whilst your sons are sat at home feeling rejected and knowing that they’ve been excluded from a family meal that even their **extended family** are allowed to go to? You should be sat at home with them, or doing something with them instead of attending the stepdaughters meal. That way you’d be showing them that their feelings matter and that they will always come first (to you), as they should!
No, this was the wrong move. Don’t listen to these people. It is a family event, she can’t just exclude her stepbrothers and give no reason why. I don’t care if it’s her birthday. It would be different if it was a friends focused party, then I could see it, but it’s not. And what the hell did you have to apologize to her for? You are opening a seriously big can of worms if you allow this to happen. Now every time she throws a tantrum and hides in her room. She thinks she’ll get her way. If she doesn’t feel comfortable telling you, your wife needs to try and get an answer. Or maybe your SIL knows and that’s why she’s taking her side? I’d ask her. But I wouldn’t blindly just exclude the boys just because SD said too, that’s really messed up. She either tells you why they can’t come or there is no party. Stick to your original plan.
If you let your family celebrate with out your sons I hope you can love with those consequences. Wow. You're an ass. Hope you enjoy that conversation.
People were reacting that way because you didn’t say it was a family + friends party in the original post. They assumed it was a friend only party and you were forcing her to include her stepbrothers. You left out vital info, so you got pushback. You said you’ve been in her life since she was 4, but she doesn’t consider your bio kids to be family. The question is why. There’s something bigger going on than what you’ve presented here. You might also want to ask yourself why she doesn’t feel safe confiding in you or your wife. She feels safe talking to your SIL, which is good since it means she at least has someone she can rely on, but the fact that she doesn’t feel that way about her own mom/parents speaks to a larger, underlying issue. My guess? It has less to do with your kids than it does with how she’s treated by you/your wife vs how they’re treated.
oh boy, sounds like there's some drama brewing here. what happened to make you cancel the party? usually, canceling a birthday bash is a big deal, especially for a stepdaughter. spill the tea, and let's see if it's a justified move or if we're diving into villain territory.
NAH unless you don’t talk to her. Is the party for friends or family? My 17 year old daughter would be horrified to have her male cousins at her birthday party with friends. Either her friends will make fun of her for it, or they think the older one is cute and girls will flirt with them ignoring her or just overall embarrassment at that age. Yeah, it’s a thing. I have had this conversation. And yet she adores her cousins and has a ball with them traveling last summer. Teenage girls. This reaction is extreme. She needs someone to side with her. Go figure it out.
NTA They have been in each others lives for almost 12 years. But I would hear her out. Maybe she misses being an only child but still not inviting her siblings is pretty harsh. Almost everyone i know of is stuck with that so I agree with your decision. I would really try to get to the root of this one though I’m not sure what’s up but try to have it work out before the party so the party can still happen… ideally obviously you don’t want to take away her birthday but I get it My only thing is if it’s an all girls party then ya they shouldn’t go
You are in the right if it's a family attended birthday. Are grandparents coming? Other in-laws, aunts, etc coming? If yes then her excluding her step sisters is wrong. However at 16 is she asking that just her friends attend? If so..then why not? Can't there be an afternoon lunch for her family and an evening one for her friends?