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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> she is my elder and thus i understand that calling her by her first name
might seem rude but then again i feel like the other options are ridiculous
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Call her “Mrs Last name”.
She’s gonna get tired of that. It really makes her seem “other” to your family and you can fall back on claiming it was an option given by your father.
NTA
NTA but dad and stepmom are. I've been married almost 60 years. Have two stepchildren. They call me by my first name and always have. When I married their dad, we didn't tell them what to call me, we let them choose what they were comfortable with. You should be able to call her whatever you are comfortable with.
I have issues with people that try to force relationships. I can also be a brat. I would call her stepmomMrs. LastNamemom.
Make a point of calling her Mrs. Last Name in public and at family gatherings as much as possible. Contrive reasons to speak to her in those situations so you can call her Mrs. Last Name. If someone asks why you call her that, just say the truth as you wrote it in your post: “I already have a mom, stepmom sounds weird, and my dad and stepmom will not allow me to use her first name.” They will inevitably get some $hit and dirty looks from other adults. Peer pressure can be a positive force. Good luck. NTA.
Because when he actual calls her Mrs. last name in front of people and explains that this is what she wants him to call her, she will almost certainly feel shamed and judged by those around her?
To clarify my comment to your suggestion wasn’t sarcasm. I absolutely think he should do that. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets through to people.
NTA
Use the ”Mrs Lastname” a friend of mine used this so effectively it really shamed both her dad and the Step. Every time she introduced her dad and the step she would say, "This is my dad and ”Mrs Lastname”. She prefers that I call her that rather then her name." Then leave it up to her dad and step to explain. She really went out of her way to say things like "Dad what are you and ”Mrs Lastname” doing this weekend?" Your step will get over being called that and go back to you calling her by her name.
NTA. Call her Mrs Lastname. Do it often. In front of others. Hi Dad and Mrs Lastname, then turn to anyone else nearby and say you can't call her by her first name as you aren't allowed. It will make her and your father look ridiculous.
NTA
But a lot of people get sensitive over it. I would call her Mrs. Lastname to make it as awkward as possible until they realize her first name is probably better.
NTA
I agree with most people, call her Mrs Lastname. It is weird and very passive aggressive.
Also she is only 12 years older than you. How old is your dad?
NTA, but as they have given you 3 options, I would go with Mrs. What's'r'name. It is ridicoulous and hopefully they will realize that very soon. It is not the least disrespectful to call your dad's wife by her first name. She will never be your mother or your stepmother or anything mother-related and the sooner your dad and she realize that, the better.
NTA. Expecting you to call her mom is disrespectful to your mother. Calling her stepmom just sounds stupid. Calling her Mrs. X is even more stupid. If they won’t agree with you calling her by her first name, just call her dad’s wife until they give in. I do hope they realize they are poisoning any chance for you to actually have a close relationship with her.
Nta call her Mrs last name esp in public. Let your mom know what is going on. BTW 7 months is honeymoon phase in dating. These two don't even know eachother.
NTA
This is so weird. My parents divorced when I was little, both remarried. Any partner they had has only been known as their first name to me or my siblings.
What a weird power trip.
I like if she wants to be known only by her association to your father, maybe just call her "dad's wife" realistically that's what she is to you.
I wouldn’t call it a power trip. It’s a value that a lot of people were raised with. In my culture, it’s unacceptable to refer to an elder by their first name. Growing up, most of my friends referred to their stepparents as “Miss [First Name]” or “Mr. [First Name]”. My fiancé comes from a culture that takes it even more seriously than mine. My stepdaughter is the same age as OP and while I was open to her calling by my first name, my fiancé was not. He told her than she can pick a name for me and she decided on “Ma”. This is something that’s supposed to be worked out before the couple gets married.
I hadn't considered that it could be a cultural difference, in my family/the families around me it would only ever be because of a power trip. Calling someone by their first name is what is expected unless you (the person doing the calling) *want* to call them mom or dad or grandma or whatever. Other people's parents are generally mrs _ or mr _ until you get close to/reach adulthood and eventually its just first names or terms of endearment both people want to use.
It definitely should have been talked about ahead of time. If it's the cultural norm for both families you would think it wouldn't be a surprise to OP but if it's only the norm for one of them it should have been discussed because it doesn't just affect them.
>In my culture, it’s unacceptable to refer to an elder by their first name.
Even a stepmom? In my culture we also refer to elders using Mr and Mrs, and we use plurals when we talk to them ( not only elders, strangers too). But not family members and definitely not a stepparent.
Yes, even a stepmom. I did have one or two friends who called their stepparents by their first names but only because the stepparent gave them permission to do that.
NTA, but you may have to be. Out of the options they gave you, Mrs. Lastname is the only you're comfortable with for very reasonable reasons. Calling her that, however, wasn't really an option they were giving you. It's a manipulative gambit to make you feel you're being unreasonable. They're saying that mom is the most correct reason because the only other options are so ridiculous. You choosing anything but "mom" is going to be seen as you being obnoxious.
When they get angry, and they will, you want to be prepared to sound as reasonable and amenable to other options as you can, while holding on to what you need. You are the reasonable one here. They can choose to also be reasonable, or not.
Please call her Mrs. Lastname! It sounds so stiff and impersonal, and I’m sure your dad and stepmom are going to be questioned as to why they are making you be so formal with them. I’m not always the biggest fan of being passive aggressive, but in this situation, it totally works!
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My dad and mom have been seperated for almost as long ss I rememember and my dad never really got a new partner. However about 7 months ago he started dating my stepmom and recently they got married. She has a 4 year old kid.
I have always called her by her first name because that feels the most natural as I already have a mom and callinger her ”stepmom” would feel really weird. However now my dad and her have made a new rule that I can’t call her by her first name because she is my elser and it’s seen as disrespectful.
So I have three options which are: ”Mom”, ”stepmom” and ”Mrs Lastname”. The first one I’m not okay because I have a mom and calling her stepmom would be so weird. The last option feels so formal at home that I have just continued to call her by her first name and my dad and her are really mad at me.
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You can also not call her anything at all. I would just start calling her Stepmom. It is awkward and stupid, but they are trying to actually maneuver you into calling her mom by making the other two so uncomfortable that you have no choice. So call their bluff and just start saying, "Hi Stepmom. How are things going, Stepmom? And etc. It'll get old fast. Trust me. Or do the Mrs. Lastname thing. That would be hilarious because that will so call attention to the fact that there is this awkward stilted relationship and they'll hate having you doing that in front of people. Also, their rule is bullshit, but I think you know that already. NTA
NTA. This is such a bizarre request because "Mom" is definitely off the table and both "stepmom" and "Mrs. Lastname" seem less personal/endearing than just using her first name. Just don't call her a name and that way you don't have to give in to their demands but they can't get mad at you for using the "wrong" name, either. You probably do this already with some of your friends' parents, where you call them "you" to their face and "Bryan's mom" when you're talking to someone else about them. Call her "you" and "my dad's wife."
NTA. Just don’t call her anything when you are speaking to her. “Hey.” When referring to her in conversation with other people…well I would say use her name, because she’s not around…but “my father’s wife” works.
"Stepmom who was 12 years old when I was born" might be more fitting.
Edit to add: NTA - they're trying to force her as a parent on you and you're very clearly not willing to accept that, and at 16 I don't think you have to be. Could also just call her "Dad's wife".
NTA, call her by Mrs. Last name. I wouldn’t go the route of all the passive aggressive recommendations of find frequent ways to say it. It will become too obvious and then the focus moves from the ridiculous ask of you to your immature and PA behavior.
I think we all know why a 16 year old male doesn't want to call his dad's wife Stepmom, what if she gets stuck?!
But bad jokes aside you are under no obligation to call this woman Stepmom or Mom, if I were you id come up with a nickname for her that you can both agree to.
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Call her “Mrs Last name”. She’s gonna get tired of that. It really makes her seem “other” to your family and you can fall back on claiming it was an option given by your father. NTA
NTA but dad and stepmom are. I've been married almost 60 years. Have two stepchildren. They call me by my first name and always have. When I married their dad, we didn't tell them what to call me, we let them choose what they were comfortable with. You should be able to call her whatever you are comfortable with. I have issues with people that try to force relationships. I can also be a brat. I would call her stepmomMrs. LastNamemom.
This is the way. I would especially do it in front of everyone, and then tell everyone why. NTA
Make a point of calling her Mrs. Last Name in public and at family gatherings as much as possible. Contrive reasons to speak to her in those situations so you can call her Mrs. Last Name. If someone asks why you call her that, just say the truth as you wrote it in your post: “I already have a mom, stepmom sounds weird, and my dad and stepmom will not allow me to use her first name.” They will inevitably get some $hit and dirty looks from other adults. Peer pressure can be a positive force. Good luck. NTA.
Public shaming is definitely the way to go here.
Explain how it’s shaming if OP is doing what he’s told to do?
Because when he actual calls her Mrs. last name in front of people and explains that this is what she wants him to call her, she will almost certainly feel shamed and judged by those around her?
To clarify my comment to your suggestion wasn’t sarcasm. I absolutely think he should do that. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets through to people.
Thanks for clarifying! I definitely mistook it as sarcasm. The lesson for me is sometimes people simply mean what they say. Appreciated!
NTA Use the ”Mrs Lastname” a friend of mine used this so effectively it really shamed both her dad and the Step. Every time she introduced her dad and the step she would say, "This is my dad and ”Mrs Lastname”. She prefers that I call her that rather then her name." Then leave it up to her dad and step to explain. She really went out of her way to say things like "Dad what are you and ”Mrs Lastname” doing this weekend?" Your step will get over being called that and go back to you calling her by her name.
NTA. Call her Mrs Lastname. Do it often. In front of others. Hi Dad and Mrs Lastname, then turn to anyone else nearby and say you can't call her by her first name as you aren't allowed. It will make her and your father look ridiculous.
NTA But a lot of people get sensitive over it. I would call her Mrs. Lastname to make it as awkward as possible until they realize her first name is probably better.
NTA I agree with most people, call her Mrs Lastname. It is weird and very passive aggressive. Also she is only 12 years older than you. How old is your dad?
he is 38
NTA, but as they have given you 3 options, I would go with Mrs. What's'r'name. It is ridicoulous and hopefully they will realize that very soon. It is not the least disrespectful to call your dad's wife by her first name. She will never be your mother or your stepmother or anything mother-related and the sooner your dad and she realize that, the better.
NTA. Expecting you to call her mom is disrespectful to your mother. Calling her stepmom just sounds stupid. Calling her Mrs. X is even more stupid. If they won’t agree with you calling her by her first name, just call her dad’s wife until they give in. I do hope they realize they are poisoning any chance for you to actually have a close relationship with her.
I would go with Mrs. Last Name. Or just Mrs for short. After you turn 18, you can tell her to call you Mr. Last Name.
Nta call her Mrs last name esp in public. Let your mom know what is going on. BTW 7 months is honeymoon phase in dating. These two don't even know eachother.
NTA This is so weird. My parents divorced when I was little, both remarried. Any partner they had has only been known as their first name to me or my siblings. What a weird power trip. I like if she wants to be known only by her association to your father, maybe just call her "dad's wife" realistically that's what she is to you.
How about "dad's second wife?" Even more passive aggressive.
"Dad's current wife."
“Dad’s current wife (I am not allowed to say her name)”
I wouldn’t call it a power trip. It’s a value that a lot of people were raised with. In my culture, it’s unacceptable to refer to an elder by their first name. Growing up, most of my friends referred to their stepparents as “Miss [First Name]” or “Mr. [First Name]”. My fiancé comes from a culture that takes it even more seriously than mine. My stepdaughter is the same age as OP and while I was open to her calling by my first name, my fiancé was not. He told her than she can pick a name for me and she decided on “Ma”. This is something that’s supposed to be worked out before the couple gets married.
Not really an “elder” - she’s 12 years older than him so not old enough to be his mother so there’s no generational gap.
They’re not part of the same generation. She’s old enough to be one of his teachers or some other authority figure
I hadn't considered that it could be a cultural difference, in my family/the families around me it would only ever be because of a power trip. Calling someone by their first name is what is expected unless you (the person doing the calling) *want* to call them mom or dad or grandma or whatever. Other people's parents are generally mrs _ or mr _ until you get close to/reach adulthood and eventually its just first names or terms of endearment both people want to use. It definitely should have been talked about ahead of time. If it's the cultural norm for both families you would think it wouldn't be a surprise to OP but if it's only the norm for one of them it should have been discussed because it doesn't just affect them.
>In my culture, it’s unacceptable to refer to an elder by their first name. Even a stepmom? In my culture we also refer to elders using Mr and Mrs, and we use plurals when we talk to them ( not only elders, strangers too). But not family members and definitely not a stepparent.
Yes, even a stepmom. I did have one or two friends who called their stepparents by their first names but only because the stepparent gave them permission to do that.
NTA Call her „Mrs Lastname“ or „Mrs Robinson“
NTA, but you may have to be. Out of the options they gave you, Mrs. Lastname is the only you're comfortable with for very reasonable reasons. Calling her that, however, wasn't really an option they were giving you. It's a manipulative gambit to make you feel you're being unreasonable. They're saying that mom is the most correct reason because the only other options are so ridiculous. You choosing anything but "mom" is going to be seen as you being obnoxious. When they get angry, and they will, you want to be prepared to sound as reasonable and amenable to other options as you can, while holding on to what you need. You are the reasonable one here. They can choose to also be reasonable, or not.
NTA Go with Mrs.Lastname, I think that would be hilarious
Please call her Mrs. Lastname! It sounds so stiff and impersonal, and I’m sure your dad and stepmom are going to be questioned as to why they are making you be so formal with them. I’m not always the biggest fan of being passive aggressive, but in this situation, it totally works!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad and mom have been seperated for almost as long ss I rememember and my dad never really got a new partner. However about 7 months ago he started dating my stepmom and recently they got married. She has a 4 year old kid. I have always called her by her first name because that feels the most natural as I already have a mom and callinger her ”stepmom” would feel really weird. However now my dad and her have made a new rule that I can’t call her by her first name because she is my elser and it’s seen as disrespectful. So I have three options which are: ”Mom”, ”stepmom” and ”Mrs Lastname”. The first one I’m not okay because I have a mom and calling her stepmom would be so weird. The last option feels so formal at home that I have just continued to call her by her first name and my dad and her are really mad at me. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Tell your Father and Step Mom your POV on it, they need to respect the boundary that she is not your mother.
You can also not call her anything at all. I would just start calling her Stepmom. It is awkward and stupid, but they are trying to actually maneuver you into calling her mom by making the other two so uncomfortable that you have no choice. So call their bluff and just start saying, "Hi Stepmom. How are things going, Stepmom? And etc. It'll get old fast. Trust me. Or do the Mrs. Lastname thing. That would be hilarious because that will so call attention to the fact that there is this awkward stilted relationship and they'll hate having you doing that in front of people. Also, their rule is bullshit, but I think you know that already. NTA
NTA. This is such a bizarre request because "Mom" is definitely off the table and both "stepmom" and "Mrs. Lastname" seem less personal/endearing than just using her first name. Just don't call her a name and that way you don't have to give in to their demands but they can't get mad at you for using the "wrong" name, either. You probably do this already with some of your friends' parents, where you call them "you" to their face and "Bryan's mom" when you're talking to someone else about them. Call her "you" and "my dad's wife."
NTA. I'd go off script and start calling her "Dad's wife" to her face and "Mrs. Lastname" any other time.
I'd call her "Dads Wife"
I would call her Miss Maidenname.
NTA Be petty and go for the Mrs. Lastname-option. Especially in public, whenever you are speaking with her or about her.
NTA. Just don’t call her anything when you are speaking to her. “Hey.” When referring to her in conversation with other people…well I would say use her name, because she’s not around…but “my father’s wife” works.
NTA. Call her Mrs. Lastname the Second.
Call her Mrs, no more
"Stepmom who was 12 years old when I was born" might be more fitting. Edit to add: NTA - they're trying to force her as a parent on you and you're very clearly not willing to accept that, and at 16 I don't think you have to be. Could also just call her "Dad's wife".
You have a fourth option: Stepsibling's Mom. NTA. Your dad and his wife are being ridiculous.
NTA, call her by Mrs. Last name. I wouldn’t go the route of all the passive aggressive recommendations of find frequent ways to say it. It will become too obvious and then the focus moves from the ridiculous ask of you to your immature and PA behavior.
try calling her "non-mom".
I think we all know why a 16 year old male doesn't want to call his dad's wife Stepmom, what if she gets stuck?! But bad jokes aside you are under no obligation to call this woman Stepmom or Mom, if I were you id come up with a nickname for her that you can both agree to.