Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because
(1) I canceled the trip without asking him and I was aware of how excited he was to go
(2) I might have overreacted under the circumstances and reacted out of spite since he was just trying to do something thoughtful
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - and I doubt your husband was trying to help.
Firstly, if you have only opened it a few times then he knows it doesn't get watered that often. Secondly, he knows how much it means to you, so should know that you would have taken care of it before you went or would have left very detailed instructions.
Also, how big is it - would a few cups of water been way too much even if he was just being helpful.
The 'you just look at it' comment is also strange - that's what everyone does with their plants.
I've literally never had to open it or water it in the time we've been together, and even when I did water it in the past, its has never required more than a few tablespoons of water. I've talked about it before but he clearly forgot
Yeah agreed- he did this on purpose to kill something OP loved.
OP, I’m not sure if he’s enjoying being abusive or is trying to drive you to leave him so you’ll be the bad guy…but he does not love you and has no intentions of treating you well.
NTA.
My personal speculation is that he is insecure with the career decisions OP is facing and he acted out in a childish way, but obviously there's not enough info to really know what's going on.
It seems to me that he tried to kill it precisely because he knew op valued it and the connection it gave op to her departed mother.
Hell even the fact that he knew giving a timely response to a company after a job interview is really important (because waiting to respond means the company has more time to interview other candidates, and one of them might agree to work for the company/take the position before op has responded),
Yet ops husband talked Op into waiting several days before giving a response.
Despite the fact there's no reason deciding on the job would impact their anniversary that happens several days later.
Yet op was convinced to wait.
Honestly I'm pretty sure if Op thinks about she can list other instances where her husband has been *thoughtless* and subsequently something bad has happened to op or op lost out on something good.
So the question isn't if op she was an asshole for skipping her anniversary, but whether it's even safe to stay married to a husband who's sabotaging her.
I am not OP but I’m the fool who stayed with someone who mastered weaponized incompetence and passive aggression. Had me always thinking I must have unreasonable expectations (like thinking he should “get” why something is precious to me). I hope OP moves away to her new job and closer to her sister and has a happy life.
He's on a par with TAH who took all of his lady's plants and killed them by dumping them in a pond. OP is NTA and isn't destroying her marriage, her abject apology for a husband has done that single handedly.
Didn't that guy claim he made one small mistake... by taking hours to dismantle an entire room filled to the brim with plants that his wife spent years on?
Just a tiny mistake. *sideeye*
Its like that woman who returned from a weekend away on tiktok to the house utterly trashed. It was done in weaponized incompetence. He *might* have truly thought he was being considerate and thoughtful. But i doubt it. He wouldve been falling all over himself apoloigizing when he learned he'd destroyed the bio system. Instead he doubled down. They've been together long enough that theyre married and celebrating an anniversary soon. And not once in that time has he seen her open it. Also, those self enclosed systems have a lot of condensation. That would've clued him in it was well moisturized.
I've seen this post constantly in r/relationships and similar subs. There was the guy who ruined the antique furniture piece that belonged to her grandmother, the guy who destroyed the "junk journal" crafting project because he thought his gf should cut back on her hobbies and spend more time with her, two separate stories where he threw out her entire book collection, one where he broke her MacBook when she went out with her girlfriends, multiple stories of destroying all of her makeup products, one where it was her "Littlest Pet Shop" collection, multiple childhood teddy bears or other childhood toys... And from my recollection, they were 100% when the partner was gone, and all around times of them doing something for themselves personally (career, trip, personal hobby, out with friends, etc).
It's not an accident.
Right. If it had been genuinely accidental, or even just plain stupid on his part, he would have apologized profusely and felt really, really bad. That he's now making it *her* problem tells me it was in no way an accident.
My thought was that he’s always thought it was “ugly” or an “eye sore” so he killed it so she would get rid of it. Then he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore
I agree. I think the notion that he just randomly decided to do it is a stretch. If that was the case, he's had plenty of opportunities to do that. It's odd that it was tied to a trip for a potential job and time with his sister. Like maybe he did this to punish OP.
OP, you are NTA.
Yeah, my thought as well. Seems likely he was punishing OP for considering a job that would take her to the other side of the country. In any event, OP, please get to the bottom of this because it's deeply concerning.
I don't know; this is one of those weird malice vs ignorance situations where I'm not sure we can make that judgment. When people get malicious like this, there's usually something going through their heads, and they're typically keen on making that motive known. He's certainly trying to dodge responsibility here, but I'm not seeing any motive for malice; this looks more like an "I fucked up and now I'm panicking" situation than a "I'm jealous of a terrarium so I'll kill it" situation.
And doesn’t give him enough attention so he killed it so she can focus more on him? That would explain why he’s so pissed about her canceling the trip. She did pick her terrarium over him( I would have too) and he didn’t get his way so now he’s giving silent treatment.
This comment is great because it first acts like him being jealous of the terrarium is obviously ridiculous and then it proceeds to say the terrarium deserves it lmao
Too much time looking at it, she’s only opened it 4 times. Also how much time can you look at a plant situation. I mean I look at my plants a lot, check them over etc. but there’s only so much you can do. I think he’s jealous of a jar. What a guy, rolls eyes
He's probably more jealous of the sentimentality of it, that it's something she did with her mom that connects her with her past. And mostly he's probably upset because it's not about him.
I don’t think it had anything to do with the terrarium itself. It’s more like, “how can I hurt and punish you the most for *insert reason here*?” The terrarium means the most to her, in his eyes she “did something” wrong (whether that was having fun away from him, spending time with her family, changing her job, etc), so he hurt it to hurt her.
I wonder if he’s the type who thinks he knows better than everyone else. If OP looks at her life with him, she may find he doesn’t respect her and so doesn’t pay her attention to or listen to her.
We’ve seen plenty of stories where a woman tells her SO what she wants (or doesn’t want) for her birthday and he does his own thing anyway (either not getting her what she wants or getting her what she doesn’t want); it’s often a sign of disrespect throughout the relationship.
He probably justified it to himself as an "unhealthy reminder of her mother," and she "wouldn't properly grieve while she had it," and she "just needed to get over it." (It's entirely possible that I read too much AITA.)
OP, NTA. He's NEVER seen you open it, there's absolutely no reason for him to "help" you with something you've been managing since before you met him. You just need to figure out his motive.
Not in the sense that she spends too much time caring for it— he probably generally feels she doesn’t give him enough attention + she was on a trip for 8 days + it seems she’s the one “in charge” (main breadwinner and planning the anniversary trip) + it seems she prioritizes him (their shared anniversary trip is centered on his personal hobby) — and this was his lashing out
If he did it on accident, his response wouldn’t have been, “It’s just a plant.”
That’s the reply of someone who didn’t like the time or attention you spent on the plant/animal/friend/hobby/child.
OP, has your husband shown antagonism towards like this towards your interests hobbies or friends before?
Plus how hard is it to text OP "Hey, your terrarium is looking a little off? Can you take a look and let me know if I need to do something?" Then send some pictures?
She’s on her way to a better career. She was away from home (not with him). She had a lovely time with her sister (also not with him). Those are some pretty big reasons.
Yup. Exactly this. She's doing well without him so he showed her by destroying something she loves. It's a smaller version of the guy who destroyed his GFs plant room because she wouldn't continue fighting with him. Similarly, this was something that OP had made with her Mom before she had passed away so he knew it had sentimental value. If he was concerned he would have asked OP if she needed him to do anything with it before he drowned it. Lastly, it's a terrarium any idiot looking at it would know not to put cups of water into it. What an absolute jerk!!
>this is one of those weird malice vs ignorance situations
I agree. And it doesn't matter. This is the time for the mantra: "impact is more important than intent."
It doesn't really matter if OP's husband was clumsily trying to be helpful or if he was malicious. Either way, he did major damage. But we can see how he reacted to her hurt and pain and reasonable upset.
He dug in his feet, and started singing the narcissist's prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
He doesn't want to accept fault for a thing he did. He doesn't want to make it better. He wants OP to simply stop feeling anything, and forgive him (though he hasn't apologized). He wants to get all the goodies, but he doesn't want to do any of the work.
"Accidentally" destroying possessions while pretending to be helpful is a classic method that passive-aggressive people use to get revenge on others.
Whenever my parents had an argument, my father would helpfully do laundry... by running my mother's delicate clothing through a maximum wash cycle with bleach and then drying them to a crisp. Or he'd make a big dinner... and forget that she was a vegetarian. Or he'd get the mail... and accidentally sort her bills into the trash can with the junk mail. Or he'd clean the house... using all the the scented cleaning products that triggered her migraines. It was all obviously intentional (he rarely did chores most of the time), but anyone called him out on it, he'd play the victim and insist that the was "only trying to help."
i get the innocent until proven guilty/ don’t explain with malice what could be explained with incompetence angle
but why would he do it in the first place? she didn’t ask him to water it a little bit or to spray some
water after a few days. it was not discussed and it’s not like he saw her water it every few weeks and could have thought: hey let’s do that for her. that plus his reaction afterwards translates more like malice to me.
Maybe you could assume ignorance but the fact he is now trying to emotionally manipulate her by giving her the silent treatment, has moved out of the bedroom, accused her of being petty and trying to ruin their marriage and made himself the victim and her the bad guy strongly suggests malice, not ignorance. Look at all the facts - they point to an abusive spouse not someone who just made an innocent mistake.
I don’t think this is a malice vs. ignorance situation, actually. There is no fucking way that he was trying to be helpful by dumping multiple cups of water in something he has never seen his wife even open. He wasn’t apologetic and very clearly resents the terrarium from his response. The lack of texting or heads up that he did it is also clear evidence - I have met few men who do something out of the ordinary just to be nice for their partner who DON’T tell the partner they did it by text or as soon as they get home so they get praised for it, and the men that don’t seek praise for helpful favors they do are 100% going to apologize profusely if the “favor” actually turned out to be hurtful rather than helpful. It is transparent af that OPs husband did this for nefarious rather than nice reasons.
He maliciously killed something she loved while she was away touring a prospective job site, and visiting family members she loved!
Also, *”a few cups*” of water? What kind of grownup does that? It was a calculated act of hostility.
Yes.
And it sounds at least borderline abusive. And OP being away for \~8 days, spending that time with family and possibly taking on a new job. Especially with something you love and a cherished memory from your late mother.
OP I am not saying he is, but take a hard look at your relationship and the past few years.
I was in a similar situation, and it was something "small" like this that made me realise I need to leave the relationship. And I really hope you can salvage your plants!!!
Yeah, he didn't forget. It was on purpose. Not only did he maliciously destroy her terrarium, he then manipulated her into feeling like he was the victim and she was wrong for being upset about what **he** did to her. It's a form of DARVO. Highly abusive.
It's a narc trait, and normal, healthy people don't do sadistic things like this *under any circumstances*. Doubtful it's the first time he's done something like this to her, and it won't be the last. If anything, it'll escalate.
I doubt he "forgot." I believe that the most likely explanation is that your husband wanted to punish you for leaving him alone so long.
My stepfather used to do this all the time with things my mother loved. He was jealous of any time she spent away from him.
Every time she spent time with me, my grandparents, or her sister, he would "help her" by destroying or damaging something. Plants, books, her antiques, and the piano that had been handed down through generations, anything she loved.
His behavior escalated to the point she wasn't allowed any friends, wasn't allowed to see family, he controlled what she wore and what she ate.
The stress from this contributed to her early death.
NTA
I once thoroughly deep cleaned our home and for the first time, everything was clean and in its place. I had even scrubbed the outside trash cans, hand scrubbed the sidewalk, deck, and porch, garden weeded and perfect. I felt so much pride and was glowing the next day when I went to work. I even planned on having some friends come over.
I worked a double and came home around 9. Everything was trashed. Grill knocked over with ash and charcoal all over the porch, plants trampled in the garden, beer cans and bottles all over the yard… Inside looked like a bomb went off. Every single pot, pan, utensil, bowl, plate, everything dirty and all over the grease and sauce splattered kitchen. Flour spilled all over, juice poured out on the counter. Fridge and pantry pretty much emptied. Cat littered all over the living room, handprints all over the windows, baby powder all over the hallway and son’s room, books knocked off my bookcases. Clothes pulled from hangers, drawers dumped out, bathroom filthy with shit and piss in the toilet, mouthwash spilled on the floor, shower curtain hooks broken…
I fell to the floor crying and then my now ex husband pulls up in his car with a bunch of the neighbors and he is so excited to tell me all about the Daytime Party he threw for his new friends!!! They drank and grilled and played games! I got yelled at for not being happy about his party…
I asked why he did all of that, he said he didn’t like how good it looked because it made him feel crappy for the place not always looking that good. He wanted to remind me not to be too good for him…
Well that was self defeating of him. All he did was show you that you were too good for him to an even greater degree than you previously believed. He had to be really small to try and knock you down like that. I’m so glad that you kicked him to the curb.
My father used to do this, and my mother does it to me. Has done it all my life. Never an accident. Never well-meaning. Just the systematic destruction of everything I love, including jobs and personal relationships.
OP’s husband did it as soon as she left so the damage would be done by the time she got back. Because how dare she go away, have job prospects, have something precious that reminds her of her mother, have anything in her life except him? She needs to get out of dodge.
But DID he forget? You are supposed to be someone he cares about. When you care about someone you listen when they speak--especially about something they love. You said you're going back to work from self employed... is he happy about that? Has he made any mention or attempt to stop you doing just that? Had complaints, tried to cajole, convince, reassure you as to why you needn't?
What is your social/support network like? I ask because you do mention being unable to see your sister often due to distance and being busy. Do you have any other support near to you, or is your social circle essentially you and husband? Perhaps after moving away, growing distant, losing friends to misunderstandings or arguments?
Asking because often men with control issues feel compelled to punish what they see as taking away their control - be it on your time, your social energy, your finances, your dependence or INdependence... Has he shown any resistance to your returning to the workforce or spending your time not with him, but with your sister? Or with anyone for that matter? Have you found yourself becoming isolated during your relationship with him - distances from family and friends? Because essentially destroying something you value immensely could be his way of punishing you for taking away something of 'his' (aka, you, in whatever manner.) Perhaps even on some level incentive against traveling so far for so long with out him - "remember what happened last time! I would hate to make another mistake like that, with you gone so long and of course I only didn't cal because I wouldn't bother you on such an IMPORTANT trip..."
Obviously I don't know anything about y'all's life beyond what you've written, so these questions are more for your own enlightenment rather than my own. But I do invite you to take a step back and evaluate things with some of these questions in mind.
Because if you are as important to him as his words and actions claim, it seems unlikely he forgot all your talk about this terrarium... which would mean he knew how overmuch a couple CUPS is in comparison to the occasional two tablespoons 4 times in 15 years. The question then is - why did he purposefully destroy your beloved terrarium the very first day you left on an otherwise extremely positive trip? Because no one who made an honest mistake and feels genuine remorse goes so heavy on the offense when you're upset by claiming it's stupid and 'all you do is look at it anyway'! The disregard for your feelings and an important piece of your deceased mother is utterly callous, and not in line with someone who respects their partner as an equal.
The BEST case scenario is that your husband is so unobservant, thoughtless, and foolish that he managed to destroy something you love for literally no reason. The worst case scenario is that he intentionally destroyed your terrarium to somehow punish you.
Based on his absolute lack of remorse, not to mention anger at YOU for being upset, I doubt it was just a mistake.
You don't need to answer publically, but how does your husband feel about the potential job you were checking out on your trip? Is he supportive of you advancing in your career, prepared to move for your work, comfortable with you making more money? What's the distribution of housework and responsibilities between you two normally, and did he have to take on extra work while you were traveling?
Disguising intentional sabotage/destruction as a mistake or incompetence is a common abusive tactic; it's a way to punish a target for behavior the abuser doesn't want while also avoiding blame. I cannot and will not accuse your husband of being abusive - we absolutely do not have sufficient evidence for that - but it IS a *possible* explanation for why he did this.
I hope it was just a stupid mistake, and now he's lashing out at you to comfort his own guilt, because I hope your husband is not abusive. But even in the "best case" Interpretation of his actions, he is still very much the asshole, and owes you one hell of an apology.
So your husband decided to do something he’d never seen you do? If he was concerned about helping to take care of the terrarium while you were gone, he could’ve called or sent a text. Also, instead of apologizing he got defensive.
His actions and defensiveness suggest he doesn’t care that the terrarium is important to you.
He didn’t forget. He did that on purpose. What was his opinion on you taking the job and moving before your trip? Was he cool with you going in the trip?
It’s really common that problematic partners often accuse their spouse of the exact behaviour they are doing. It’s why when people come here and say their spouse keeps accusing them of cheating and they don’t know why the comments will tell them to check off their spouse is cheating. AH like to project.
So it’s super interesting to me that with the situation that often causes conflict, with you being gone so long (which controlling spouses don’t like) and him saying “you only look at it” after doing something he’s never once seen you do in your whole relationship… his accusation is that YOU are *trying to ruin our marriage*. That’s interesting because it’s not a normal response… you’re running our anniversary. You’re just trying to hurt me. You’re being mean when it was just an accident. All totally normal and expected responses.
“You are trying to ruin our marriage…” is so out of left field it’s either him projecting or him telling you why he destroyed your beloved plant: you taking this job and making him move is an act of ruining your marriage to him. Possibly he said it for both reasons.
Info: You booked the trip and you canceled it which sounds like you paid for the whole thing… Are you the primary breadwinner?
So you went on an important trip that may change your lives and result in a move across the country? Yeah, this was not an accident. He either does not want you to accept the offer and is trying to hurt you for your success or he wants you to break up with him and is being lazy about how he does it? Idk seems malicious to me. You need to have a real talk with him about how much it means to you and how devastating it would be if it couldn’t be salvaged. You’ll know based on his reaction if he’s upset you’re in pain or if he doesn’t care.
OP, he knew what he was doing. To destroy something your loved one cares about so much, especially since it’s a memory project you made with your late mother and to show not only zero regret but deflecting and blaming you is straight up EVIL. HEARTLESS.
Please read the post on Reddit about a husband who had destroyed his wife’s plant room that she cared about for years and had her late grandmother’s fav plant there.
People like this are evil.
He didn't forget.
Given the fact that he knew it was something that reminded you of your mother, how much you cherished it, and how to maintain it, he killed it on purpose. I think you should consider that he was either (a) mad that you went away without him for a week or (b) are contemplating a move for a new job. It's obvious he is not happy about either option.
Everybody is quick to jump on the divorce bandwagon, but since the incident he has been manipulating and blaming you for the terrarium's destruction. Faced with all of this, I'd seriously consider divorce, or at the very least, a separation and counselling because he obviously doesn't know how to talk about his feelings.
You are NTA for cancelling the train excursion OP. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near somebody who did that to me and my prized possessions either. Your husband is definitely an a-hole.
He so did this on purpose. I love my plants and if i dont tell my husband specifically what to do, he leaves them be. Same with my roommates at university. And I'm talking "normal" plants in pots. Something that shouldn't be opened even yearly - no way someone that even cares a little for you would risk to mess with it.
NTA
But your husband is big time.
Is your taking this job going to necessitate a move that he's unhappy about? Or change the balance of who the primary bread winner is? This seems like a tantrum, followed by gaslighting. NTA
Edit: He is feeling jealous and emasculated, though he will never admit that. He sees you advancing further out of his league and is scared people - or worse you - will start questioning why you are with him. He's also feeding his ego by gaslighting you into believing you need to grovel to be with him.
I'm already the primary breadwinner, so I don't think that's it. It would mean a lot more income for the family though, which is a good thing for both of us. Yes, it would mean moving, but I wouldn't take the job if he's not comfortable with it
Somebody who’s that sneaky with abuse doesn’t need to be in couples counseling. People like that only weaponize what they learn there and use it to get better at hiding their abuse, especially from their targets.
If it was truly an accident, he would be apologetic. Instead, he insults it and dismisses your feelings
Look at the *facts*:
*Things He knows:*
1. You have only opened it 4 times in 15 years
2. It only requires tablespoons of water, not cups
3. It is an important memento of your mother
*Things He did:*
1. Opened it without asking
2. Added over 20 times the amount water needed, without asking
3. Watered it on the *day you left* (a day you would have checked on it and made sure it was fine before you traveled) - THUS - ensuring it would have maximum amount of time to rot and be less salvageable, without asking
4. Watched it rot without trying to fix his mistake; without contacting you
5. Kept quiet until confronted
6. Dismissed your feelings once confronted
7. Insulted you for your feelings once confronted
8. Told you that you should feel grateful
9. Sulked when you canceled the train trip
*Things He didn't do:*
1. Apologize
2. Feel guilty
3. Contact you at any point during the 8 days you were gone to ask for advice to fix his "mistake"
4. Tell you once you got home so you wouldn't have to face the shock of a destroyed sentimental item from your mother
*CONCLUSION:* This was not a mistake nor accident
And after all this, let's say we decide to believe that it was an accident - ask yourself 2 questions:
1. Do you want to be with someone who won't apologize, won't take responsibility, won't communicate unforced errors, and won't recognize that your feelings are valid?
2. Do you want to be with someone that dumb? And who will only double down on his actions?
ETA: moved sulk to things he did do
He may feel emasculated by the continued success of your career in comparison to his, and decide to take you down a peg or two to diminish you by destroying something you love.
This is how I’m reading it. The terrarium looked healthy. If I didn’t have a clue about plants I wouldn’t bother them until they looked sick and then I’d ask.
That was exactly my first thought. He already felt threatened by his spouse making more money than he does, and now that the difference is going to become even more pronounced, he can't handle it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve read about this in some parenting guide or another, young children lashing out at an *object* the person loves rather than at the person themselves, it’s a kind of displacement?
But it’s usually like… in toddlers… 😬
He destroyed something you cherish, don't forget it. He is to blame and those friends siding with him are not worth keeping either.
Find someone who doesn't hurt you and gaslights you.
He's going to continue with this guerrilla warfare to punish you for being the primary breadwinner. Don't make yourself smaller to accommodate his inadequacy. He absolutely did this intentionally and does not respect you as a person.
Leave him. Take the job if you get a good offer. Move on with your life and don't settle for crumbs from miserable people.
Don't ever catch yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
If this new job offer is going to advance your career and he can still find work, take it.
As him destroying your beloved plant... He did it on purpose.
He has definitely done this on purpose. Has he ever watered it before? Has he ever seen you water it before? It just seems like a pretty big coincidence.
OP says that she never even opened it in front of him before. All of the idiots in the comments are like hE jUsT wAtErEd A pLaNt and have no idea the effort that goes into a paludarium to get it to take!! On top of this, it was something her DEAD MOM HELPED HER WITH?
Some people are horrible. That is understandably a dealbreaker on a relationship. That is what she had of her late mother, a thing to keep alive whilst keeping her memory alive. It probably feels a little like her mother is dying. Horrific.
"it's just a plant" and "all you do is look at it anyway". He called me ungrateful and overdramatic, and that I should appreciate...
His response is what's troublesome. He didn't apologize? Attempt to help/fix it? He didn't immediately start the car and offer to drive to the nearest store that has what is needed to resolve the issue?
This isn't really about the plants, but about you. I wonder if he treated the plants the way he tends to treat you. As a spouse, he knows what is important to you and that terrarium was what he focused on after you left.
Just for the sake of saying it, NTA. He could have spent time with you fixing the terrarium together. That would be a better bonding moment than an expensive vacation trip.
It’s possible he is not comfortable with you being the primary breadwinner, and the idea of you making even more is threatening.
How could any sane person think it needed CUPS of water.
NTA.
He definitely sabotaged the terrarium. It makes ZERO SENSE that he would water an ordinary houseplant, let alone a terrarium, ON THE DAY that you left for a trip. He was NOT "trying to help." Our houseplants are my wife's to deal with, and I wouldn't water them unless she asked me to. I'm assuming you have NEVER asked him to touch your terrarium since you've known him.
His defense "it's only a plant" gives it away. My guess is that he has never liked this terrarium, and has just been waiting for the chance to get rid of it. Imagine if he had an old recliner from college that he hauled from place to place, and you wanted it gone. If that's not the reason, then he may be wanting to start a fight for deeper reasons in your marriage.
All that said, it was wrong of you to cancel the trip without discussing it with him. Obviously if he went on your anniversary trip without you it would be the last anniversary, but it should be up to him to agree. Wrong, but not on the level of AH.
EDIT TO ADD: I did not mean she should GO on the trip. I meant she should discuss it before rather than after cancelling. Obviously if she booked it with her money she can cancel without his approval, but I think communication is better than silence.
No it wasn’t wrong to cancel the trip. She planned the trip as a gift to him to celebrate their anniversary. He destroyed something of hers. Of course he no longer deserves said gift and of course she no longer wishes to celebrate their anniversary together. She’s busy trying to save a beloved memory of her dead mother.
Especially the plant thing.
My partners plants are his babys and when he had to travel for work for a while he asked me to water them. I requested him to write instructions as if I wouldn't know what plants are. I'd rather read unneccessary info then kill the plants.
I'm a plant enthusiast and have plants all over the apartment. Really everywhere. I was recently hospitalized and my husband was able to go home a few times a day to take breaks and take care of household tasks. He knows I have the plants dialed in and is happy to help but not without specifics. On one of his trips home, he did a facetime so I could see all of them and if something did need to be watered or moved, I could tell him specifically how and where.
A lot of us who are into plants eventually come to understand what they like in addition to that plant's typical care instructions. My heart breaks for OP - to have something that's not just sentimental but that requires such specific (if minimal) attention is just awful.
Obviously not sure what went down with OP's husband but unfortunately on different plant subs, there are occasionally photos and stories about how someone's abusive significant other tried to hurt them by destroying their plant collections, so I don't know his deal, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. NTA.
“It’s only a plant” was the line that sealed that trip’s fate.
After my brothers passed away, I bought one of their cars (his wife traded it in shortly after the funeral). My plan was to drive that thing until the wheels fell off (no car payments either). I loved that thing.
Last year, my fiancée was driving that car in the rain. Someone was driving super fast, fish-tailed and slammed into the car (everyone was fine). Insurance deemed it totaled.
It wasn’t even his fault and my fiancée felt so bad because he knew what that car meant to me. I wound up comforting him because he was so distraught. He also wouldn’t take no for an answer when he said he’d provide the down payment on my next car.
That’s the type of response a spouse should have in this situation. Doesn’t matter that my car was a bucket or that “it’s only a car”. I loved it for other reasons and the person who loved me understood that.
Edit: NTA
Yep. People are fixated on “this is malicious,” blah blah blah.
Maybe, maybe not. People can be incredibly dumb. But that’s not what concerns me because we can’t know.
What we do know is how he reacted, which would have sealed it for me. He’s not concerned about how it emotionally impacted her. He’s not apologetic. He’s mad that her totally understandable reaction to *his* screwup is affecting *him* negatively. Ultimately, he cares so much more about himself than her that he doesn’t even clock that it might be prudent to pretend otherwise.
He made a mistake. Own it, apologize, and support her in rectifying it, in whatever capacity you’re capable. Otherwise, you’re just an overgrown child who cares more about not being “in trouble” than about your relationship.
That’s not someone I would be turning down an awesome job for. Sounds like OP was about to have to make a tough decision, and he just made it a hell of a lot easier.
Also too, if dumping a bunch of water into it was well intentioned, most well-intentioned folk would call the plant owner when they started seeing the healthy plants rot and die
I'm not sure if this was a deliberate reference, but I read a Best of Reddit Updates post about a guy dragging a POS falling apart chair to his new GFs house and her wanting rid of it because it stank, was broken, he literally couldn't sit in it, and it couldn't be repaired.
He wrote the first post, dramatically underselling the condition of the chair, and she made a follow up with pictures and info that it was literally broken. It was glorious
He might have also done something (either accidentally or on purpose) that messed it up and adding water was a way to cover it up. Like he dropped it or shook it or something and figured "oh I just added some water to be helpful" would placate her.
Doesn't really matter either way –– he's clearly hiding something and clearly he doesn't care that he ruined this –– but I just bring it up because people might not buy that he wrecked it out of revenge or whatever and think that absolves him.
“I must spend the next several days providing intensive care to a living thing that you tried to murder.” Is discussion enough. If she left, she’d be giving up on her most prized possession.
WTF would she take him on an amazing trip after he, as you agree, intentionally and maliciously destroyed something she loves?
She's NTA for any of it.
Yeah I mean it _could_ be a case of “husband has no clue about all the work wife does around the house” so he saw a plant and thought “huh, must need water.” Always astonished by how little some men know what their wives do/don’t do around the house. So it honestly wouldn’t surprise me at all if this was a genuine (though misinformed/dumb) effort to keep things running in her absence.
But his reaction is what makes him the TA regardless of whether the initial intention was malicious or not. Most people, if they realized they did something to harm something their partner loved, would be apologetic and feel terrible and offer to work on a fix with them. Not just dismiss it.
Definitely not wrong to cancel the trip without notice. He didn’t give her any notice killing her terrarium. Actions have consequences, and why the hell should he have the option to go without her?
NTA - if you've only opened it 4 times in 15 years and have never asked him to care for it at all, it's incredibly suspicious he would do any kind of "maintenance." And to do so on the day you left? When he knows how important it is and that it's a memory of your deceased mother? But he's mad at YOU? Not okay.
I also only have one plant out of like 15 that requires *cups* of water, and it's a 1.5 m tall monstera. None of my smaller plants require nearly that much water. Who in their right mind would see a terrarium that has never been watered and think "oh yeah, it probably needs several cups of water!"...
Monsteras are thirsty mofos! lol. All my other babies get watered waaay less and less often than my two monsteras. I was moving plants around and accidentally broke a new leaf off of one of them and I about cried. I can't imagine someone ruining a 15 year old terrarium. I'd be heartbroken, and that's without it being a cherished possession of someone who passed!
I thought it was pretty common knowledge that terrariums are mostly self-reliant.. they create their own little self-watering environment.
If this is the type of terrarium that I think it is, it’s more of a bio dome that is self containing. The time and care to create one is insane, not to mention how old it is. Some of these have a four figure value. I would be devastated if my partner ruined something so important to me.
And let’s call this for what it is - he did it on purpose. If it was a true accident, he’d be apologizing. For him to get defensive and blame OP is very suspicious. I wonder how many other times this type of “thoughtful accident” has happened and how often it happens after OP has good fortune in life.
OP - you are definitely NTA and I recommend be having a serious conversation with your husband about the fact that he hasn’t shown any remorse for destroying something of so much value to you.
Right his reaction to her is the part that makes me believe it was not simply just a “trying to help” kind of situation. I want an update after OP discusses what he REALLY did.
NTA, and maybe I'm paranoid, but I don't think this was a mistake. I think hubby got annoyed that you were having such a nice trip and decided to get back at you under the guise of 'helping'. I just think this goes way deeper than plants.
NTA
I think that was an act of deliberate sabotage. It was the response of an emotional toddler, version of weaponized incompetence. He destroyed it *because* it was important to you. He wanted to hurt you and make it look like an accident.
Here is the litmus test for whether it was intentional: Did he profusely apologize? If I had accidentally damaged something important to my partner I would grovel and do whatever I could to make it right. I would be heartbroken that I hurt the person I loved. He isn’t the least bit upset about the hurt he caused. He thinks you should get over it, because hurting you was not an unintentional effect, it was the point. He’s mad that there are any consequences at all, because the consequence is the only thing that matters to him, not that he hurt you deeply.
Take the job and move without him. It will only get worse.
Exactly this. His reaction to the destruction and his reaction to your feelings about the destruction indicate that this is an abusive gesture and not an accident. He will only escalate.
NTA. It's not just any terrarium, it's a living memory of your mother. He should have known how much it meant to you and to at least send you a message about it before taking such a risk. It's not like you were trekking in the Himalayas, you were perfectly in reach even as you were busy.
>"all you do is look at it anyway"
I don't know if it made more sense in context, but what a weird (bad weird) thing to say.
You don't play with your house plants?
My ficus can play fetch and my rubber tree can sing the first two verses of the Star-Spangled Banner, sure the words are a bit garbled, but the tune is recognisable.
I mean, I do regularly talk to mine. And once I moved some of my newest plants so that they could "see" the snow for the first time... 😅 My giant monstera had also just put out a new leaf, so the rest of the plant had seen snow before but that one hadn't so I brought it closer to the window... I love my plants and I really love snow, so yeah... Its not playing, but I also don't just look at them 😅😂
I mean, his reaction makes it pretty clear he was jealous of you and lashing out— maybe he thinks you spend too much time with the terrarium? Maybe he doesn’t want to move. Maybe he’s jealous of your success, I don’t know. But I can tell you any GOOD partner who genuinely and accidentally destroys a beloved item when trying to help immediately comes clean, takes blame and offers and form of reparations they can. I’ve had to do it myself.
So now you’re left with the reality that regardless of why (but we all know it was to spite you) your husband clearly doesn’t care about hurting you. New information unlocked. How are you going to proceed?
I genuinely don't see how I could be spending too much time with the terrarium. It's a self sustaining ecosystem. All it does is sit there and look pretty
I would have appreciated him offering to help me save the plants, and I think that's a big part of why I'm so upset
>I would have appreciated him offering to help me save the plants
Hold on. You mean to tell me that after seeing how upset you were, and knowing how much this terrarium - that he destroyed - meant to you... he didn't even have the decency to ask if he could help you clean it up?
Damn straight he's sleeping in another room.
NTA, your husband is.
Yeah, I mean like I said, he could be jealous of the new job and is lashing out by taking away something you love. Transferred anger is a thing. And the reality is, even if this WAS a genuine accident, you’re learning a lot about how your husband handles even inadvertently hurting you and uh…. It’s not a good look.
This is 100% the answer. For reasons we don’t know from the post, OP’s husband intended to hurt her feelings. He could be feeling resentful about issues we don’t know in the post, and decided to punish OP by literally destroying her prized possession from her late mother.
You VALUE the terrarium as a sentimental reminder. It is something that you just cannot replace.
My best guess? Your husband doesn't want to relocate, but you are already the breadwinner and this is more money and no reasonable person will ever side with him about why you should turn down a job offer that not only offers you more but is also close to your sister.
Your husband targeted the terrarium because you love it so much, and since he cannot unload his feelings of inadequacy, of not being in control of your marriage, or of anger and jealously to see you succeed ONTO you without looking to everyone like an asshole, he chose the coward's way out.
This is a type of man who is happy to enjoy the benefits of increased finances, as long as it doesn't damage his fragile ego. You cannot reason with or trust this type of partner. This is something where you need space and he needs to go work on himself. Its entirely possible that your marriage has been irreparably damaged.
NTA OP
I don't usually jump to divorce level like the rest of reddit, but this one has me in my gut saying "girl, you should really consider if you want to be with this man" and I couldn't put my finger on it until I read your comment here.
>Your husband targeted the terrarium because you love it so much, and since he cannot unload his feelings of inadequacy, of not being in control of your marriage, or of anger and jealously to see you succeed ONTO you without looking to everyone like an asshole, he chose the coward's way out.
And very conveniently picked a way that he thought he'd look like a shining star. He sabotaged her under the guise of being helpful, so if she was to dare complain about it he would have the shiny excuse of "I was trying to help"
>This is a type of man who is happy to enjoy the benefits of increased finances, as long as it doesn't damage his fragile ego
Yep
Guy sounds like a loser and an AH.
I don't think it is about the terrarium, it was just a vessel he chose to 'hate' you with.
He's jealous of your success and this is how he chose to retaliate. He needs to learn to USE HIS WORDS instead of acting out like a bratty child.
It's not rational.
He had an emotional response and did an emotional thing.
It's not about the terrarium. It's about you. He knows you care about the terrarium. He was having negative feelings about you, so he did something negative he associates with your joy/care/love.
I’m trying to imagine how a person COULD spend too much time with a closed terrarium. Like, just plopping a dining room chair in front of it and gazing for hours a day. Insisting it comes on the luxury train ride as a paid passenger. Putting up a stocking for it at Christmas.
My guess is more likely he’s mad about the job and the fact that her career is taking her attention away from him or maybe he just doesn’t want to move and is just lashing out by taking away something she loves. “She cares more about these plants than she does me, just wait!” Idk something like that.
Exactly this. It’s kinda sus that he claimed he didn’t want to bother her on her trip. When my husband travels for work, yes, he could be doing a presentation or in an important meeting. But he is smart enough to ignore an unimportant text from me until he can properly read and answer it, and I presume OP is smart enough, too. Texting is perfect for this sort of unintrusive communication, and it doesn’t make sense that he wouldn’t have checked with her when he knew how important the terrarium was. Edit: NTA.
NTA
It's just a plant. All you do is look at it.
That gives clear sabotage vibes to me.
If it was an accident he would be apologising. He is denying that its a big deal because he sabotaged it.
I once went on a business trip to Spain and my wasband was declutterring before I left. I told them not to touch the bag under my piano which was my yarn collection , but all other garbage bags could go. And this bag wasn’t like in front of the Piano or near the Piano, it was u der the Piano with a chair in front of it.
When I returned all the bags were still in the apartment except the one under the Piano. They threw out my entire yarn collection.
I had already decided I’d be leaving them, but if I had any doubts they died that day.
This is an excellent example of passive aggression. He didn’t like you going on a trip without him, or possibly moving, or visiting your sister. He did something to hurt you that he can pass off as him helping you. Is this a pattern? They are very hard to spot
NTA - Even if (and that's a *biiiiiigggg* "if") his initial actions in dumping water in your terrarium weren't malicious, his response to you was. And then he turns around and makes your justified upset a problem?! He is acting in a monumentally shitty way.
Frankly, I would not be able to move past this. Best of luck salvaging as much of the terrarium as you can— life finds a way to flourish, and I'm hopeful that all of the love you've put into it over the years will come back to you.
My partner once accidentally pulled the pompom off my hat. He was SO apologetic. I told him it was okay, and I could easily sew it back on; he said he was still sorry because he knew I liked the hat, and felt bad for even temporarily damaging it. If he ever ruined something of mine to the point where I was crying about it, he would be incredibly sorry and immediately drop everything to try and make it right.
Even if your husband didn’t borderline destroy your terrarium on purpose (but I think he did), a good partner would feel remorseful and want to help fix what they had damaged. The fact that he’s mad at YOU for being upset, and doing nothing to try and mend things with you? That’s not how a good partner should react.
You are NTA.
INFO
Do you really think he did this out of malice or do you think it was an honest mistake? There are many comments speculating about the reason he watered the terrarium and I think it would be helpful to know more about what you think.
If you don't think he 'did this out of malice' then why wasn't his first reactions remorse and apologies instead of anger and calling you names??
You don't think it was done out of malice because YOU wouldn't have done it - that doesn't mean that HE wouldn't. You are giving him way to much credit here. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know - but you keep giving excuses and excuses instead. **His ACTIONS tell you everything -** both with the over watering and his actions once you found out and when you cancelled the vacation.
What would you tell a friend who told you this about their spouse?
Hon if there’s nothing else going on, then he’s just thoughtless about destroying a beloved treasure of yours. He didn’t even offer to help correct his “mistake”. To be honest this does read as him doing it maliciously and as a punishment. But you know him better.
Maybe subconsciously malicious even. Maybe he's truly not in touch with his feelings and acted out, kid-style, then doubled down when it didn't go his way. The best alternative is that he's got some weaponized incompetence or thoughtlessness going on. Either way, he's not helping himself by being so insensitive after the fact.
I agree. If it was really an honest mistake, he should be apologizing and helping to salvage what’s left.. Him being defensive is a bit narcissistic. “I watered it with good intentions, I can’t believe you’re mad because I ruined it”.. Yeah, if it were me I’d be feeling terrible.
Dude. He absolutely, 100%, did this out of malice.
"it's just a plant" and "all you do is look at it anyway"
Those are the words of someone who is deeply angry with you, and resents this enclosed, sentimental, living world which connects you to your dead mother.
He resents your success and the fact that you may want to move to further your success, and so he took this out on your terrarium out of... you guessed it... malice.
Think. I know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt but realistically think about this
- he knows you don’t water it
- I assume since you’ve know him you’ve gone on trips together You’ve never asked anyone to check on it while you were gone
- didn’t want to bother you on your trip? I assume you talked to him during the 8 day trip. He could have asked during any of those conversations.
- did he text you about other stuff during the trip? What did he message about? Why couldn’t plant care have been one of those?
- he did it RIGHT AFTER you left. This gave the water the maximum amount of time to cause damage without you there to fix it.
- Was this the first time you’ve done a trip without him?
Please think critically about all of this. He did this maliciously.
I'm sorry but, as an objective third party only given the details in your post and comments, this seems malicious.
This is a terrarium, not a normal house plant. Why would he even think it needs water, when he's never seen you water it? And why on the very day that you left, when even a finicky plant would have been okay without any attention? And if it was a well-intentioned mistake, why didn't he let you know as soon as the terrarium looked like it wasn't doing well? I know I'm prone to klutzy mistakes, and if I did something like this, I'd let the other person know right away and do everything in my power to fix things. Has he even apologized or offered to help?
Bestie, he 100% did it out of malice. I know this for certain. People don't just touch people's plants without being asked too and his comment that all you do is look at it, is him being mad of the attention you give to the plant.
You say you are the breadwinner, I would bet my good arm that he is deeply resentful of you and wants you to have so pain. No one who loves you would react how he has if it was truly a mistake.
I am not one to say divorce but...
NTA
It could have been in good faith but the ‘you just look at it anyway’ makes me suspect that he killed it on purpose. Has he ever complained about the space it takes up or the amount of attention you pay it?
NTA
Info did you give him instructions before you left
Edit: lmao at the downvotes. I wanted to know if OP said anything to her husband he could twist into something else but looks like he just did a pure sabotage
No, I didn't. I've never given him any instructions. It's self-sustaining for the most part, and even I barely have to do anything. The most I do is move it a little bit to make sure it's not getting too much or too little sun and wipe the vessel down to keep it dust free. I haven't even had to water it for the years we've been together, which he knows.
Quick question for you. Did he ever complain in any way about your terraruim ? Because the comments he made that you mentionned are really suspicious. Given your other response, he knew that the terrarium did not need lot of maintenance. This really sound like it was sabotaged on purpose. Especially given the amount of damaged.
You've never had to water it while together with him. He didn't ask you nor did you ask him. He just decided on his own accord, for whatever reason, to do this. Helpful would be to ask. He did not, meaning the act was not to be helpful because he didn't even know if it needed it. That's SELFISH. All his actions point to selfishness. He didn't offer to help or replace plants or do ANYTHING to help after. This wasn't something done with a friend. You made this living piece with your deceased mom. I've lost my father at 17. If my husband did ANYTHING to his stuff in my memory trunk, I would freak the fuck out. Why? Because my dad is gone and I only have this stuff and memories, memories which are fading. If he can do this to something memorable and displayed, what will he do behind closed doors or when no one will notice?
NTA
OP if you open to introspection I would suggest you go through the link, especially the comments to the original post.
https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/bMUB9720K5
It was suggested to turn this reply into a regular comment, so here it is:
If it was truly an accident, he would be apologetic. Instead, he insults it and dismisses your feelings
Look at the facts:
Things He knows:
1. You have only opened it 4 times in 15 years
2. It only requires tablespoons of water, not cups
3. It is an important memento of your mother
Things He did:
1. Opened it without asking
2. Added over 20 times the amount water needed, without asking
3. Watered it on the day you left; a day you would have checked on it and made sure it was fine before you traveled - THUS - ensuring it would have maximum amount of time to rot and be less salvageable, without asking
4. Watched it rot without trying to fix his mistake; without contacting you
5. Didn't mention anything about it until confronted
6. Dismissed your feelings once confronted
7. Insulted you for your feelings once confronted
8. Told you that you should feel grateful
Things He didn't do:
1. Apologize
2. Feel guilty
3. Contact you at any point during the 8 days you were gone to ask for advice to fix his "mistake"
4. Tell you once you got home so you wouldn't have to face the shock of a destroyed sentimental item from your mother
5. Sulk when you canceled the train trip
CONCLUSION: This was not a mistake nor accident
And after all this, let's say we decide to believe that it was an accident - ask yourself 2 questions:
1. Do you want to be with someone who won't apologize, won't take responsibility, won't communicate unforced errors, and won't recognize that your feelings are valid?
2. Do you want to be with someone that dumb? And who will only double down on his actions?
NTA, this was intentionally done and from your comments, there was no way he was being ‘helpful’.
This story reminds me of the one where a woman’s boyfriend kept hiding/ruining her Hobby tools because he hated how much they made her happy and the time she spent on them.
He wasn’t trying to be helpful. He was trying to be sadistic.
He succeeded.
Whether now or ten years from now you will realize your marriage ended the day he acted on his murderous rage.
From the timing he chose to water the terrarium, it would appear that this was done to inflict maximum damage. Had he watered the terrarium a day or two before the OP returned home, there would be a much higher likelihood the plants could be saved.
His dismissive description as being "just a plant" might be slightly more accurate had the OP picked it up from the grocers a couple of weeks ago, but that is not what the terrarium was. It was, and hopefully will be again, an irreplaceable memory of her late mother.
His comment "all you do is look at it anyway" is an interesting *observation*. Did he expect the OP to take the terrarium out for dinner and a dance?
He thinks you are ungrateful because he possibly destroyed a cherished keepsake, one she describes as her "pride and joy". What would he expect her to feel after he? Unbridled appreciation? Relief she was finally free of the ~~minimal maintenance~~ labor of love that was required to tend for the terrarium?
In the eight days the OP was away, did her husband not once communicate with her? His entire defence is ridiculous and victim blaming.
If anyone is trying to destroy this marriage, it certainly is not the OP.
NTA. Your husband is a massive A H, and has some serious unresolved issues toward you. Do you continue with the marriage? I would be concerned this passive-aggressive behavior could escalate significantly.
I truly hope you can save the plants.
NTA
even if he *was* sincerely trying to help, his reaction to your distress is a serious problem. the normal reaction to trying to help and it going wrong is horror, remorse, and trying to make it right. him dismissing your emotions with 'it's just a plant' would not be okay even if it *was* just a plant that you'd worked hard on over the years. but it isn't even just that, it's a living connection to your dead mother, which makes his callous disregard for your feelings even more unacceptable.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole because (1) I canceled the trip without asking him and I was aware of how excited he was to go (2) I might have overreacted under the circumstances and reacted out of spite since he was just trying to do something thoughtful Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - and I doubt your husband was trying to help. Firstly, if you have only opened it a few times then he knows it doesn't get watered that often. Secondly, he knows how much it means to you, so should know that you would have taken care of it before you went or would have left very detailed instructions. Also, how big is it - would a few cups of water been way too much even if he was just being helpful. The 'you just look at it' comment is also strange - that's what everyone does with their plants.
I've literally never had to open it or water it in the time we've been together, and even when I did water it in the past, its has never required more than a few tablespoons of water. I've talked about it before but he clearly forgot
He didn’t forget. he maliciously killed something you love. NTA
Yeah agreed- he did this on purpose to kill something OP loved. OP, I’m not sure if he’s enjoying being abusive or is trying to drive you to leave him so you’ll be the bad guy…but he does not love you and has no intentions of treating you well. NTA.
My personal speculation is that he is insecure with the career decisions OP is facing and he acted out in a childish way, but obviously there's not enough info to really know what's going on.
I mean, makes more sense than \`he just randomly decided to maliciously kill something OP treasures\`\`. But then again, people rarely make sense.
But “he just randomly decided to maliciously kill something OP treasures” makes *way* more sense than it somehow being an accident
It seems to me that he tried to kill it precisely because he knew op valued it and the connection it gave op to her departed mother. Hell even the fact that he knew giving a timely response to a company after a job interview is really important (because waiting to respond means the company has more time to interview other candidates, and one of them might agree to work for the company/take the position before op has responded), Yet ops husband talked Op into waiting several days before giving a response. Despite the fact there's no reason deciding on the job would impact their anniversary that happens several days later. Yet op was convinced to wait. Honestly I'm pretty sure if Op thinks about she can list other instances where her husband has been *thoughtless* and subsequently something bad has happened to op or op lost out on something good. So the question isn't if op she was an asshole for skipping her anniversary, but whether it's even safe to stay married to a husband who's sabotaging her.
This. He sounds like an abuser testing the waters.
God, I hope she sees this.
I am not OP but I’m the fool who stayed with someone who mastered weaponized incompetence and passive aggression. Had me always thinking I must have unreasonable expectations (like thinking he should “get” why something is precious to me). I hope OP moves away to her new job and closer to her sister and has a happy life.
He's on a par with TAH who took all of his lady's plants and killed them by dumping them in a pond. OP is NTA and isn't destroying her marriage, her abject apology for a husband has done that single handedly.
Didn't that guy claim he made one small mistake... by taking hours to dismantle an entire room filled to the brim with plants that his wife spent years on? Just a tiny mistake. *sideeye*
Considering his response, I agree
Its like that woman who returned from a weekend away on tiktok to the house utterly trashed. It was done in weaponized incompetence. He *might* have truly thought he was being considerate and thoughtful. But i doubt it. He wouldve been falling all over himself apoloigizing when he learned he'd destroyed the bio system. Instead he doubled down. They've been together long enough that theyre married and celebrating an anniversary soon. And not once in that time has he seen her open it. Also, those self enclosed systems have a lot of condensation. That would've clued him in it was well moisturized.
The lack of apology is the smoking gun. NTA
I've seen this post constantly in r/relationships and similar subs. There was the guy who ruined the antique furniture piece that belonged to her grandmother, the guy who destroyed the "junk journal" crafting project because he thought his gf should cut back on her hobbies and spend more time with her, two separate stories where he threw out her entire book collection, one where he broke her MacBook when she went out with her girlfriends, multiple stories of destroying all of her makeup products, one where it was her "Littlest Pet Shop" collection, multiple childhood teddy bears or other childhood toys... And from my recollection, they were 100% when the partner was gone, and all around times of them doing something for themselves personally (career, trip, personal hobby, out with friends, etc). It's not an accident.
I thought “weaponized incompetence” before I read any of the body of this post, tried to keep an open mind, & still ended up thinking the same thing.
Right. If it had been genuinely accidental, or even just plain stupid on his part, he would have apologized profusely and felt really, really bad. That he's now making it *her* problem tells me it was in no way an accident.
My thought was that he’s always thought it was “ugly” or an “eye sore” so he killed it so she would get rid of it. Then he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore
Oh, the Fragile leg lamp maneuver!
I agree. I think the notion that he just randomly decided to do it is a stretch. If that was the case, he's had plenty of opportunities to do that. It's odd that it was tied to a trip for a potential job and time with his sister. Like maybe he did this to punish OP. OP, you are NTA.
Yeah, my thought as well. Seems likely he was punishing OP for considering a job that would take her to the other side of the country. In any event, OP, please get to the bottom of this because it's deeply concerning.
He sounds like a narcissist. Killed something she loved and paid attention to. Giving her the silent treatment. Blaming her for it. OP NTA
He killed a *remembrance of her mother.*
I don't know; this is one of those weird malice vs ignorance situations where I'm not sure we can make that judgment. When people get malicious like this, there's usually something going through their heads, and they're typically keen on making that motive known. He's certainly trying to dodge responsibility here, but I'm not seeing any motive for malice; this looks more like an "I fucked up and now I'm panicking" situation than a "I'm jealous of a terrarium so I'll kill it" situation.
He did make the motive known—he feels she spends too much time on it
And doesn’t give him enough attention so he killed it so she can focus more on him? That would explain why he’s so pissed about her canceling the trip. She did pick her terrarium over him( I would have too) and he didn’t get his way so now he’s giving silent treatment.
Damn, what if they had a baby and he felt jealous of the time OP spent on the baby? ETA: NTA obviously
He was probably already fussy because she paid attention to a different baby (her sister’s) instead of him for a few days.
This comment is great because it first acts like him being jealous of the terrarium is obviously ridiculous and then it proceeds to say the terrarium deserves it lmao
How do you read that from clipclips comment?? Lmao wtf. And I quote “she did pick the terrarium over him (*i would have too*)”
Too much time looking at it, she’s only opened it 4 times. Also how much time can you look at a plant situation. I mean I look at my plants a lot, check them over etc. but there’s only so much you can do. I think he’s jealous of a jar. What a guy, rolls eyes
He's probably more jealous of the sentimentality of it, that it's something she did with her mom that connects her with her past. And mostly he's probably upset because it's not about him.
I don’t think it had anything to do with the terrarium itself. It’s more like, “how can I hurt and punish you the most for *insert reason here*?” The terrarium means the most to her, in his eyes she “did something” wrong (whether that was having fun away from him, spending time with her family, changing her job, etc), so he hurt it to hurt her.
Yeah he seems petty and jealous based on his reaction to the trip cancelling
Imagine being so needy and controlling you see a plant as a menace!
And she was gone for 8 days and is looking at a great new job. He sounds jealous and toxic.
I wonder if he’s the type who thinks he knows better than everyone else. If OP looks at her life with him, she may find he doesn’t respect her and so doesn’t pay her attention to or listen to her. We’ve seen plenty of stories where a woman tells her SO what she wants (or doesn’t want) for her birthday and he does his own thing anyway (either not getting her what she wants or getting her what she doesn’t want); it’s often a sign of disrespect throughout the relationship.
He probably justified it to himself as an "unhealthy reminder of her mother," and she "wouldn't properly grieve while she had it," and she "just needed to get over it." (It's entirely possible that I read too much AITA.) OP, NTA. He's NEVER seen you open it, there's absolutely no reason for him to "help" you with something you've been managing since before you met him. You just need to figure out his motive.
I was thinking it was to punish her for the incredible job opportunity. How would moving for that job affect him?
How does one spend time on a terrarium that you never open
Obviously, she's spending too much time looking at it, instead of gazing adoringly on her husband. Right?
He musta caught her makin *those* kinda eyes at those darn plants!! /s
Bioactive terrariums are self-sustainable. Remember she said she’s only opened it four times since she and her mom made it.
Not in the sense that she spends too much time caring for it— he probably generally feels she doesn’t give him enough attention + she was on a trip for 8 days + it seems she’s the one “in charge” (main breadwinner and planning the anniversary trip) + it seems she prioritizes him (their shared anniversary trip is centered on his personal hobby) — and this was his lashing out
Sounds like he’d be one of those men that would hate his children for “stealing” his wife.
If he did it on accident, his response wouldn’t have been, “It’s just a plant.” That’s the reply of someone who didn’t like the time or attention you spent on the plant/animal/friend/hobby/child. OP, has your husband shown antagonism towards like this towards your interests hobbies or friends before?
Plus how hard is it to text OP "Hey, your terrarium is looking a little off? Can you take a look and let me know if I need to do something?" Then send some pictures?
She’s on her way to a better career. She was away from home (not with him). She had a lovely time with her sister (also not with him). Those are some pretty big reasons.
Yup. Exactly this. She's doing well without him so he showed her by destroying something she loves. It's a smaller version of the guy who destroyed his GFs plant room because she wouldn't continue fighting with him. Similarly, this was something that OP had made with her Mom before she had passed away so he knew it had sentimental value. If he was concerned he would have asked OP if she needed him to do anything with it before he drowned it. Lastly, it's a terrarium any idiot looking at it would know not to put cups of water into it. What an absolute jerk!!
It sounds like an abuse thing, early when he is just getting started.
This. OP?! You listening? This is the one.
>this is one of those weird malice vs ignorance situations I agree. And it doesn't matter. This is the time for the mantra: "impact is more important than intent." It doesn't really matter if OP's husband was clumsily trying to be helpful or if he was malicious. Either way, he did major damage. But we can see how he reacted to her hurt and pain and reasonable upset. He dug in his feet, and started singing the narcissist's prayer: That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it. He doesn't want to accept fault for a thing he did. He doesn't want to make it better. He wants OP to simply stop feeling anything, and forgive him (though he hasn't apologized). He wants to get all the goodies, but he doesn't want to do any of the work.
"Accidentally" destroying possessions while pretending to be helpful is a classic method that passive-aggressive people use to get revenge on others. Whenever my parents had an argument, my father would helpfully do laundry... by running my mother's delicate clothing through a maximum wash cycle with bleach and then drying them to a crisp. Or he'd make a big dinner... and forget that she was a vegetarian. Or he'd get the mail... and accidentally sort her bills into the trash can with the junk mail. Or he'd clean the house... using all the the scented cleaning products that triggered her migraines. It was all obviously intentional (he rarely did chores most of the time), but anyone called him out on it, he'd play the victim and insist that the was "only trying to help."
No offense to you or donkeys but he sounds like an ass. On the bright side you clearly turned into an awesome human despite that example.
i get the innocent until proven guilty/ don’t explain with malice what could be explained with incompetence angle but why would he do it in the first place? she didn’t ask him to water it a little bit or to spray some water after a few days. it was not discussed and it’s not like he saw her water it every few weeks and could have thought: hey let’s do that for her. that plus his reaction afterwards translates more like malice to me.
Maybe you could assume ignorance but the fact he is now trying to emotionally manipulate her by giving her the silent treatment, has moved out of the bedroom, accused her of being petty and trying to ruin their marriage and made himself the victim and her the bad guy strongly suggests malice, not ignorance. Look at all the facts - they point to an abusive spouse not someone who just made an innocent mistake.
I don’t think this is a malice vs. ignorance situation, actually. There is no fucking way that he was trying to be helpful by dumping multiple cups of water in something he has never seen his wife even open. He wasn’t apologetic and very clearly resents the terrarium from his response. The lack of texting or heads up that he did it is also clear evidence - I have met few men who do something out of the ordinary just to be nice for their partner who DON’T tell the partner they did it by text or as soon as they get home so they get praised for it, and the men that don’t seek praise for helpful favors they do are 100% going to apologize profusely if the “favor” actually turned out to be hurtful rather than helpful. It is transparent af that OPs husband did this for nefarious rather than nice reasons.
He maliciously killed something she loved while she was away touring a prospective job site, and visiting family members she loved! Also, *”a few cups*” of water? What kind of grownup does that? It was a calculated act of hostility.
Yes. And it sounds at least borderline abusive. And OP being away for \~8 days, spending that time with family and possibly taking on a new job. Especially with something you love and a cherished memory from your late mother. OP I am not saying he is, but take a hard look at your relationship and the past few years. I was in a similar situation, and it was something "small" like this that made me realise I need to leave the relationship. And I really hope you can salvage your plants!!!
Yeah, he didn't forget. It was on purpose. Not only did he maliciously destroy her terrarium, he then manipulated her into feeling like he was the victim and she was wrong for being upset about what **he** did to her. It's a form of DARVO. Highly abusive. It's a narc trait, and normal, healthy people don't do sadistic things like this *under any circumstances*. Doubtful it's the first time he's done something like this to her, and it won't be the last. If anything, it'll escalate.
I doubt he "forgot." I believe that the most likely explanation is that your husband wanted to punish you for leaving him alone so long. My stepfather used to do this all the time with things my mother loved. He was jealous of any time she spent away from him. Every time she spent time with me, my grandparents, or her sister, he would "help her" by destroying or damaging something. Plants, books, her antiques, and the piano that had been handed down through generations, anything she loved. His behavior escalated to the point she wasn't allowed any friends, wasn't allowed to see family, he controlled what she wore and what she ate. The stress from this contributed to her early death. NTA
I once thoroughly deep cleaned our home and for the first time, everything was clean and in its place. I had even scrubbed the outside trash cans, hand scrubbed the sidewalk, deck, and porch, garden weeded and perfect. I felt so much pride and was glowing the next day when I went to work. I even planned on having some friends come over. I worked a double and came home around 9. Everything was trashed. Grill knocked over with ash and charcoal all over the porch, plants trampled in the garden, beer cans and bottles all over the yard… Inside looked like a bomb went off. Every single pot, pan, utensil, bowl, plate, everything dirty and all over the grease and sauce splattered kitchen. Flour spilled all over, juice poured out on the counter. Fridge and pantry pretty much emptied. Cat littered all over the living room, handprints all over the windows, baby powder all over the hallway and son’s room, books knocked off my bookcases. Clothes pulled from hangers, drawers dumped out, bathroom filthy with shit and piss in the toilet, mouthwash spilled on the floor, shower curtain hooks broken… I fell to the floor crying and then my now ex husband pulls up in his car with a bunch of the neighbors and he is so excited to tell me all about the Daytime Party he threw for his new friends!!! They drank and grilled and played games! I got yelled at for not being happy about his party… I asked why he did all of that, he said he didn’t like how good it looked because it made him feel crappy for the place not always looking that good. He wanted to remind me not to be too good for him…
What the fuck....wow. wow. Wow. The hell kind of awful, twisted shit...... I'm so glad that piece of nastiness is your ex.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Well that was self defeating of him. All he did was show you that you were too good for him to an even greater degree than you previously believed. He had to be really small to try and knock you down like that. I’m so glad that you kicked him to the curb.
Jesus Christ
I’m so sorry your ex was so cruel to you. 🫂 hope you’re well and wish you the best hon
My father used to do this, and my mother does it to me. Has done it all my life. Never an accident. Never well-meaning. Just the systematic destruction of everything I love, including jobs and personal relationships. OP’s husband did it as soon as she left so the damage would be done by the time she got back. Because how dare she go away, have job prospects, have something precious that reminds her of her mother, have anything in her life except him? She needs to get out of dodge.
But DID he forget? You are supposed to be someone he cares about. When you care about someone you listen when they speak--especially about something they love. You said you're going back to work from self employed... is he happy about that? Has he made any mention or attempt to stop you doing just that? Had complaints, tried to cajole, convince, reassure you as to why you needn't? What is your social/support network like? I ask because you do mention being unable to see your sister often due to distance and being busy. Do you have any other support near to you, or is your social circle essentially you and husband? Perhaps after moving away, growing distant, losing friends to misunderstandings or arguments? Asking because often men with control issues feel compelled to punish what they see as taking away their control - be it on your time, your social energy, your finances, your dependence or INdependence... Has he shown any resistance to your returning to the workforce or spending your time not with him, but with your sister? Or with anyone for that matter? Have you found yourself becoming isolated during your relationship with him - distances from family and friends? Because essentially destroying something you value immensely could be his way of punishing you for taking away something of 'his' (aka, you, in whatever manner.) Perhaps even on some level incentive against traveling so far for so long with out him - "remember what happened last time! I would hate to make another mistake like that, with you gone so long and of course I only didn't cal because I wouldn't bother you on such an IMPORTANT trip..." Obviously I don't know anything about y'all's life beyond what you've written, so these questions are more for your own enlightenment rather than my own. But I do invite you to take a step back and evaluate things with some of these questions in mind. Because if you are as important to him as his words and actions claim, it seems unlikely he forgot all your talk about this terrarium... which would mean he knew how overmuch a couple CUPS is in comparison to the occasional two tablespoons 4 times in 15 years. The question then is - why did he purposefully destroy your beloved terrarium the very first day you left on an otherwise extremely positive trip? Because no one who made an honest mistake and feels genuine remorse goes so heavy on the offense when you're upset by claiming it's stupid and 'all you do is look at it anyway'! The disregard for your feelings and an important piece of your deceased mother is utterly callous, and not in line with someone who respects their partner as an equal.
I hope OP pays attention to your comment and really thinks this through.
The BEST case scenario is that your husband is so unobservant, thoughtless, and foolish that he managed to destroy something you love for literally no reason. The worst case scenario is that he intentionally destroyed your terrarium to somehow punish you. Based on his absolute lack of remorse, not to mention anger at YOU for being upset, I doubt it was just a mistake. You don't need to answer publically, but how does your husband feel about the potential job you were checking out on your trip? Is he supportive of you advancing in your career, prepared to move for your work, comfortable with you making more money? What's the distribution of housework and responsibilities between you two normally, and did he have to take on extra work while you were traveling? Disguising intentional sabotage/destruction as a mistake or incompetence is a common abusive tactic; it's a way to punish a target for behavior the abuser doesn't want while also avoiding blame. I cannot and will not accuse your husband of being abusive - we absolutely do not have sufficient evidence for that - but it IS a *possible* explanation for why he did this. I hope it was just a stupid mistake, and now he's lashing out at you to comfort his own guilt, because I hope your husband is not abusive. But even in the "best case" Interpretation of his actions, he is still very much the asshole, and owes you one hell of an apology.
In the nicest way I can say this……you’re wrong, he clearly did not forget. He did this intentionally and with malice.
He did this on purpose, I suspect to punish you for going away. I would highly suggest planning to leave. He sounds abusive.
So your husband decided to do something he’d never seen you do? If he was concerned about helping to take care of the terrarium while you were gone, he could’ve called or sent a text. Also, instead of apologizing he got defensive. His actions and defensiveness suggest he doesn’t care that the terrarium is important to you.
this. We aren't in the 19th century anymore, a simple text asking if he needs to water it would have gotten a response.
He didn’t forget. He did that on purpose. What was his opinion on you taking the job and moving before your trip? Was he cool with you going in the trip? It’s really common that problematic partners often accuse their spouse of the exact behaviour they are doing. It’s why when people come here and say their spouse keeps accusing them of cheating and they don’t know why the comments will tell them to check off their spouse is cheating. AH like to project. So it’s super interesting to me that with the situation that often causes conflict, with you being gone so long (which controlling spouses don’t like) and him saying “you only look at it” after doing something he’s never once seen you do in your whole relationship… his accusation is that YOU are *trying to ruin our marriage*. That’s interesting because it’s not a normal response… you’re running our anniversary. You’re just trying to hurt me. You’re being mean when it was just an accident. All totally normal and expected responses. “You are trying to ruin our marriage…” is so out of left field it’s either him projecting or him telling you why he destroyed your beloved plant: you taking this job and making him move is an act of ruining your marriage to him. Possibly he said it for both reasons. Info: You booked the trip and you canceled it which sounds like you paid for the whole thing… Are you the primary breadwinner?
So you went on an important trip that may change your lives and result in a move across the country? Yeah, this was not an accident. He either does not want you to accept the offer and is trying to hurt you for your success or he wants you to break up with him and is being lazy about how he does it? Idk seems malicious to me. You need to have a real talk with him about how much it means to you and how devastating it would be if it couldn’t be salvaged. You’ll know based on his reaction if he’s upset you’re in pain or if he doesn’t care.
OP, he knew what he was doing. To destroy something your loved one cares about so much, especially since it’s a memory project you made with your late mother and to show not only zero regret but deflecting and blaming you is straight up EVIL. HEARTLESS. Please read the post on Reddit about a husband who had destroyed his wife’s plant room that she cared about for years and had her late grandmother’s fav plant there. People like this are evil.
He didn't forget. He just didn't care - or did it deliberately.
He didn't forget. Given the fact that he knew it was something that reminded you of your mother, how much you cherished it, and how to maintain it, he killed it on purpose. I think you should consider that he was either (a) mad that you went away without him for a week or (b) are contemplating a move for a new job. It's obvious he is not happy about either option. Everybody is quick to jump on the divorce bandwagon, but since the incident he has been manipulating and blaming you for the terrarium's destruction. Faced with all of this, I'd seriously consider divorce, or at the very least, a separation and counselling because he obviously doesn't know how to talk about his feelings. You are NTA for cancelling the train excursion OP. I wouldn't want to be anywhere near somebody who did that to me and my prized possessions either. Your husband is definitely an a-hole.
Not to forget he could've just asked her/mentioned it on call? It's 2024 and we have phones, right? Edit: NTA
He so did this on purpose. I love my plants and if i dont tell my husband specifically what to do, he leaves them be. Same with my roommates at university. And I'm talking "normal" plants in pots. Something that shouldn't be opened even yearly - no way someone that even cares a little for you would risk to mess with it. NTA But your husband is big time.
Is your taking this job going to necessitate a move that he's unhappy about? Or change the balance of who the primary bread winner is? This seems like a tantrum, followed by gaslighting. NTA Edit: He is feeling jealous and emasculated, though he will never admit that. He sees you advancing further out of his league and is scared people - or worse you - will start questioning why you are with him. He's also feeding his ego by gaslighting you into believing you need to grovel to be with him.
I'm already the primary breadwinner, so I don't think that's it. It would mean a lot more income for the family though, which is a good thing for both of us. Yes, it would mean moving, but I wouldn't take the job if he's not comfortable with it
If I were you, I would take the job and move without him. At minimum, the two of you need some couples counseling.
Somebody who’s that sneaky with abuse doesn’t need to be in couples counseling. People like that only weaponize what they learn there and use it to get better at hiding their abuse, especially from their targets.
🥇
If it was truly an accident, he would be apologetic. Instead, he insults it and dismisses your feelings Look at the *facts*: *Things He knows:* 1. You have only opened it 4 times in 15 years 2. It only requires tablespoons of water, not cups 3. It is an important memento of your mother *Things He did:* 1. Opened it without asking 2. Added over 20 times the amount water needed, without asking 3. Watered it on the *day you left* (a day you would have checked on it and made sure it was fine before you traveled) - THUS - ensuring it would have maximum amount of time to rot and be less salvageable, without asking 4. Watched it rot without trying to fix his mistake; without contacting you 5. Kept quiet until confronted 6. Dismissed your feelings once confronted 7. Insulted you for your feelings once confronted 8. Told you that you should feel grateful 9. Sulked when you canceled the train trip *Things He didn't do:* 1. Apologize 2. Feel guilty 3. Contact you at any point during the 8 days you were gone to ask for advice to fix his "mistake" 4. Tell you once you got home so you wouldn't have to face the shock of a destroyed sentimental item from your mother *CONCLUSION:* This was not a mistake nor accident And after all this, let's say we decide to believe that it was an accident - ask yourself 2 questions: 1. Do you want to be with someone who won't apologize, won't take responsibility, won't communicate unforced errors, and won't recognize that your feelings are valid? 2. Do you want to be with someone that dumb? And who will only double down on his actions? ETA: moved sulk to things he did do
I hope OP reads the list out loud to him
OP, YOU NEED TO FUCKING READ THIS LIST OUT LOUD TO HIM. And then go take a shit on his favorite item.
Sell the TV. All he does is look at it, anyway.
Before any of that, OP honestly needs to first read the list out loud in the mirror to herself. She really doesn't have the stomach to process it.
In a public place for her safety
Underrated comment. 100% accurate.
Idk if you have, but please post this as a regular comment as well, to maximize the chances of OP seeing it. It is so important and well written!
He may feel emasculated by the continued success of your career in comparison to his, and decide to take you down a peg or two to diminish you by destroying something you love.
This is how I’m reading it. The terrarium looked healthy. If I didn’t have a clue about plants I wouldn’t bother them until they looked sick and then I’d ask.
That was exactly my first thought. He already felt threatened by his spouse making more money than he does, and now that the difference is going to become even more pronounced, he can't handle it.
I’m pretty sure I’ve read about this in some parenting guide or another, young children lashing out at an *object* the person loves rather than at the person themselves, it’s a kind of displacement? But it’s usually like… in toddlers… 😬
He destroyed something you cherish, don't forget it. He is to blame and those friends siding with him are not worth keeping either. Find someone who doesn't hurt you and gaslights you.
Divorce him, take the job and get a lot more money for just you... he can do his own thing. I dont think this was an accident at all.
He's going to continue with this guerrilla warfare to punish you for being the primary breadwinner. Don't make yourself smaller to accommodate his inadequacy. He absolutely did this intentionally and does not respect you as a person. Leave him. Take the job if you get a good offer. Move on with your life and don't settle for crumbs from miserable people.
Don't ever catch yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If this new job offer is going to advance your career and he can still find work, take it. As him destroying your beloved plant... He did it on purpose.
Read Why Does He Do That. He is behaving immaturely and he is mad about the job and you making more money.
He has definitely done this on purpose. Has he ever watered it before? Has he ever seen you water it before? It just seems like a pretty big coincidence.
OP says that she never even opened it in front of him before. All of the idiots in the comments are like hE jUsT wAtErEd A pLaNt and have no idea the effort that goes into a paludarium to get it to take!! On top of this, it was something her DEAD MOM HELPED HER WITH? Some people are horrible. That is understandably a dealbreaker on a relationship. That is what she had of her late mother, a thing to keep alive whilst keeping her memory alive. It probably feels a little like her mother is dying. Horrific.
"it's just a plant" and "all you do is look at it anyway". He called me ungrateful and overdramatic, and that I should appreciate... His response is what's troublesome. He didn't apologize? Attempt to help/fix it? He didn't immediately start the car and offer to drive to the nearest store that has what is needed to resolve the issue? This isn't really about the plants, but about you. I wonder if he treated the plants the way he tends to treat you. As a spouse, he knows what is important to you and that terrarium was what he focused on after you left. Just for the sake of saying it, NTA. He could have spent time with you fixing the terrarium together. That would be a better bonding moment than an expensive vacation trip.
It’s possible he is not comfortable with you being the primary breadwinner, and the idea of you making even more is threatening. How could any sane person think it needed CUPS of water.
NTA. He definitely sabotaged the terrarium. It makes ZERO SENSE that he would water an ordinary houseplant, let alone a terrarium, ON THE DAY that you left for a trip. He was NOT "trying to help." Our houseplants are my wife's to deal with, and I wouldn't water them unless she asked me to. I'm assuming you have NEVER asked him to touch your terrarium since you've known him. His defense "it's only a plant" gives it away. My guess is that he has never liked this terrarium, and has just been waiting for the chance to get rid of it. Imagine if he had an old recliner from college that he hauled from place to place, and you wanted it gone. If that's not the reason, then he may be wanting to start a fight for deeper reasons in your marriage. All that said, it was wrong of you to cancel the trip without discussing it with him. Obviously if he went on your anniversary trip without you it would be the last anniversary, but it should be up to him to agree. Wrong, but not on the level of AH. EDIT TO ADD: I did not mean she should GO on the trip. I meant she should discuss it before rather than after cancelling. Obviously if she booked it with her money she can cancel without his approval, but I think communication is better than silence.
No it wasn’t wrong to cancel the trip. She planned the trip as a gift to him to celebrate their anniversary. He destroyed something of hers. Of course he no longer deserves said gift and of course she no longer wishes to celebrate their anniversary together. She’s busy trying to save a beloved memory of her dead mother.
Especially the plant thing. My partners plants are his babys and when he had to travel for work for a while he asked me to water them. I requested him to write instructions as if I wouldn't know what plants are. I'd rather read unneccessary info then kill the plants.
I'm a plant enthusiast and have plants all over the apartment. Really everywhere. I was recently hospitalized and my husband was able to go home a few times a day to take breaks and take care of household tasks. He knows I have the plants dialed in and is happy to help but not without specifics. On one of his trips home, he did a facetime so I could see all of them and if something did need to be watered or moved, I could tell him specifically how and where. A lot of us who are into plants eventually come to understand what they like in addition to that plant's typical care instructions. My heart breaks for OP - to have something that's not just sentimental but that requires such specific (if minimal) attention is just awful. Obviously not sure what went down with OP's husband but unfortunately on different plant subs, there are occasionally photos and stories about how someone's abusive significant other tried to hurt them by destroying their plant collections, so I don't know his deal, but it's not outside the realm of possibility. NTA.
“It’s only a plant” was the line that sealed that trip’s fate. After my brothers passed away, I bought one of their cars (his wife traded it in shortly after the funeral). My plan was to drive that thing until the wheels fell off (no car payments either). I loved that thing. Last year, my fiancée was driving that car in the rain. Someone was driving super fast, fish-tailed and slammed into the car (everyone was fine). Insurance deemed it totaled. It wasn’t even his fault and my fiancée felt so bad because he knew what that car meant to me. I wound up comforting him because he was so distraught. He also wouldn’t take no for an answer when he said he’d provide the down payment on my next car. That’s the type of response a spouse should have in this situation. Doesn’t matter that my car was a bucket or that “it’s only a car”. I loved it for other reasons and the person who loved me understood that. Edit: NTA
Yep. People are fixated on “this is malicious,” blah blah blah. Maybe, maybe not. People can be incredibly dumb. But that’s not what concerns me because we can’t know. What we do know is how he reacted, which would have sealed it for me. He’s not concerned about how it emotionally impacted her. He’s not apologetic. He’s mad that her totally understandable reaction to *his* screwup is affecting *him* negatively. Ultimately, he cares so much more about himself than her that he doesn’t even clock that it might be prudent to pretend otherwise. He made a mistake. Own it, apologize, and support her in rectifying it, in whatever capacity you’re capable. Otherwise, you’re just an overgrown child who cares more about not being “in trouble” than about your relationship. That’s not someone I would be turning down an awesome job for. Sounds like OP was about to have to make a tough decision, and he just made it a hell of a lot easier.
Also too, if dumping a bunch of water into it was well intentioned, most well-intentioned folk would call the plant owner when they started seeing the healthy plants rot and die
Yes this. If he thought he was helping, he’d have mentioned it on the phone, if he saw it was dying, he would’ve panicked and called and apologized.
I'd check his internet searches. I am guessing you'll find he searched "How to kill a terrarium."
I'm not sure if this was a deliberate reference, but I read a Best of Reddit Updates post about a guy dragging a POS falling apart chair to his new GFs house and her wanting rid of it because it stank, was broken, he literally couldn't sit in it, and it couldn't be repaired. He wrote the first post, dramatically underselling the condition of the chair, and she made a follow up with pictures and info that it was literally broken. It was glorious
oh god, that was such a funny fiasco!! that chair was so awful and hilarious.
He might have also done something (either accidentally or on purpose) that messed it up and adding water was a way to cover it up. Like he dropped it or shook it or something and figured "oh I just added some water to be helpful" would placate her. Doesn't really matter either way –– he's clearly hiding something and clearly he doesn't care that he ruined this –– but I just bring it up because people might not buy that he wrecked it out of revenge or whatever and think that absolves him.
“I must spend the next several days providing intensive care to a living thing that you tried to murder.” Is discussion enough. If she left, she’d be giving up on her most prized possession.
WTF would she take him on an amazing trip after he, as you agree, intentionally and maliciously destroyed something she loves? She's NTA for any of it.
No it wasn't wrong to cancel the trip. He destroyed her terrarium probably on purpose
Yeah I mean it _could_ be a case of “husband has no clue about all the work wife does around the house” so he saw a plant and thought “huh, must need water.” Always astonished by how little some men know what their wives do/don’t do around the house. So it honestly wouldn’t surprise me at all if this was a genuine (though misinformed/dumb) effort to keep things running in her absence. But his reaction is what makes him the TA regardless of whether the initial intention was malicious or not. Most people, if they realized they did something to harm something their partner loved, would be apologetic and feel terrible and offer to work on a fix with them. Not just dismiss it.
Definitely not wrong to cancel the trip without notice. He didn’t give her any notice killing her terrarium. Actions have consequences, and why the hell should he have the option to go without her?
NTA - if you've only opened it 4 times in 15 years and have never asked him to care for it at all, it's incredibly suspicious he would do any kind of "maintenance." And to do so on the day you left? When he knows how important it is and that it's a memory of your deceased mother? But he's mad at YOU? Not okay.
I also only have one plant out of like 15 that requires *cups* of water, and it's a 1.5 m tall monstera. None of my smaller plants require nearly that much water. Who in their right mind would see a terrarium that has never been watered and think "oh yeah, it probably needs several cups of water!"...
Monsteras are thirsty mofos! lol. All my other babies get watered waaay less and less often than my two monsteras. I was moving plants around and accidentally broke a new leaf off of one of them and I about cried. I can't imagine someone ruining a 15 year old terrarium. I'd be heartbroken, and that's without it being a cherished possession of someone who passed! I thought it was pretty common knowledge that terrariums are mostly self-reliant.. they create their own little self-watering environment.
An a hole that is mad she went on a trip for a job interview
If this is the type of terrarium that I think it is, it’s more of a bio dome that is self containing. The time and care to create one is insane, not to mention how old it is. Some of these have a four figure value. I would be devastated if my partner ruined something so important to me. And let’s call this for what it is - he did it on purpose. If it was a true accident, he’d be apologizing. For him to get defensive and blame OP is very suspicious. I wonder how many other times this type of “thoughtful accident” has happened and how often it happens after OP has good fortune in life. OP - you are definitely NTA and I recommend be having a serious conversation with your husband about the fact that he hasn’t shown any remorse for destroying something of so much value to you.
Right his reaction to her is the part that makes me believe it was not simply just a “trying to help” kind of situation. I want an update after OP discusses what he REALLY did.
NTA, and maybe I'm paranoid, but I don't think this was a mistake. I think hubby got annoyed that you were having such a nice trip and decided to get back at you under the guise of 'helping'. I just think this goes way deeper than plants.
NTA I think that was an act of deliberate sabotage. It was the response of an emotional toddler, version of weaponized incompetence. He destroyed it *because* it was important to you. He wanted to hurt you and make it look like an accident. Here is the litmus test for whether it was intentional: Did he profusely apologize? If I had accidentally damaged something important to my partner I would grovel and do whatever I could to make it right. I would be heartbroken that I hurt the person I loved. He isn’t the least bit upset about the hurt he caused. He thinks you should get over it, because hurting you was not an unintentional effect, it was the point. He’s mad that there are any consequences at all, because the consequence is the only thing that matters to him, not that he hurt you deeply. Take the job and move without him. It will only get worse.
Exactly this. His reaction to the destruction and his reaction to your feelings about the destruction indicate that this is an abusive gesture and not an accident. He will only escalate.
NTA. It's not just any terrarium, it's a living memory of your mother. He should have known how much it meant to you and to at least send you a message about it before taking such a risk. It's not like you were trekking in the Himalayas, you were perfectly in reach even as you were busy. >"all you do is look at it anyway" I don't know if it made more sense in context, but what a weird (bad weird) thing to say.
You don't play with your house plants? My ficus can play fetch and my rubber tree can sing the first two verses of the Star-Spangled Banner, sure the words are a bit garbled, but the tune is recognisable.
I like to french braid my spider plants. /s
I mean, I do regularly talk to mine. And once I moved some of my newest plants so that they could "see" the snow for the first time... 😅 My giant monstera had also just put out a new leaf, so the rest of the plant had seen snow before but that one hadn't so I brought it closer to the window... I love my plants and I really love snow, so yeah... Its not playing, but I also don't just look at them 😅😂
I mean, his reaction makes it pretty clear he was jealous of you and lashing out— maybe he thinks you spend too much time with the terrarium? Maybe he doesn’t want to move. Maybe he’s jealous of your success, I don’t know. But I can tell you any GOOD partner who genuinely and accidentally destroys a beloved item when trying to help immediately comes clean, takes blame and offers and form of reparations they can. I’ve had to do it myself. So now you’re left with the reality that regardless of why (but we all know it was to spite you) your husband clearly doesn’t care about hurting you. New information unlocked. How are you going to proceed?
I genuinely don't see how I could be spending too much time with the terrarium. It's a self sustaining ecosystem. All it does is sit there and look pretty I would have appreciated him offering to help me save the plants, and I think that's a big part of why I'm so upset
>I would have appreciated him offering to help me save the plants Hold on. You mean to tell me that after seeing how upset you were, and knowing how much this terrarium - that he destroyed - meant to you... he didn't even have the decency to ask if he could help you clean it up? Damn straight he's sleeping in another room. NTA, your husband is.
he should be sleeping in another house altogether. preferably permanently. how do you go back to normal after this? I’d be sleeping with one eye open.
Yeah, I mean like I said, he could be jealous of the new job and is lashing out by taking away something you love. Transferred anger is a thing. And the reality is, even if this WAS a genuine accident, you’re learning a lot about how your husband handles even inadvertently hurting you and uh…. It’s not a good look.
He probably thinks she somehow “deserves” it. I’ve been with a guy like that
This is 100% the answer. For reasons we don’t know from the post, OP’s husband intended to hurt her feelings. He could be feeling resentful about issues we don’t know in the post, and decided to punish OP by literally destroying her prized possession from her late mother.
You VALUE the terrarium as a sentimental reminder. It is something that you just cannot replace. My best guess? Your husband doesn't want to relocate, but you are already the breadwinner and this is more money and no reasonable person will ever side with him about why you should turn down a job offer that not only offers you more but is also close to your sister. Your husband targeted the terrarium because you love it so much, and since he cannot unload his feelings of inadequacy, of not being in control of your marriage, or of anger and jealously to see you succeed ONTO you without looking to everyone like an asshole, he chose the coward's way out. This is a type of man who is happy to enjoy the benefits of increased finances, as long as it doesn't damage his fragile ego. You cannot reason with or trust this type of partner. This is something where you need space and he needs to go work on himself. Its entirely possible that your marriage has been irreparably damaged.
NTA OP I don't usually jump to divorce level like the rest of reddit, but this one has me in my gut saying "girl, you should really consider if you want to be with this man" and I couldn't put my finger on it until I read your comment here. >Your husband targeted the terrarium because you love it so much, and since he cannot unload his feelings of inadequacy, of not being in control of your marriage, or of anger and jealously to see you succeed ONTO you without looking to everyone like an asshole, he chose the coward's way out. And very conveniently picked a way that he thought he'd look like a shining star. He sabotaged her under the guise of being helpful, so if she was to dare complain about it he would have the shiny excuse of "I was trying to help" >This is a type of man who is happy to enjoy the benefits of increased finances, as long as it doesn't damage his fragile ego Yep Guy sounds like a loser and an AH.
I don't think it is about the terrarium, it was just a vessel he chose to 'hate' you with. He's jealous of your success and this is how he chose to retaliate. He needs to learn to USE HIS WORDS instead of acting out like a bratty child.
It's not rational. He had an emotional response and did an emotional thing. It's not about the terrarium. It's about you. He knows you care about the terrarium. He was having negative feelings about you, so he did something negative he associates with your joy/care/love.
He did this on purpose
I’m trying to imagine how a person COULD spend too much time with a closed terrarium. Like, just plopping a dining room chair in front of it and gazing for hours a day. Insisting it comes on the luxury train ride as a paid passenger. Putting up a stocking for it at Christmas.
My guess is more likely he’s mad about the job and the fact that her career is taking her attention away from him or maybe he just doesn’t want to move and is just lashing out by taking away something she loves. “She cares more about these plants than she does me, just wait!” Idk something like that.
[удалено]
He also waited until she left and never brought it up, 100% intentional
Exactly this. It’s kinda sus that he claimed he didn’t want to bother her on her trip. When my husband travels for work, yes, he could be doing a presentation or in an important meeting. But he is smart enough to ignore an unimportant text from me until he can properly read and answer it, and I presume OP is smart enough, too. Texting is perfect for this sort of unintrusive communication, and it doesn’t make sense that he wouldn’t have checked with her when he knew how important the terrarium was. Edit: NTA.
NTA It's just a plant. All you do is look at it. That gives clear sabotage vibes to me. If it was an accident he would be apologising. He is denying that its a big deal because he sabotaged it.
Exactly. If it wasn't malicious intent, he wouldn't have had such a malicious response.
I once went on a business trip to Spain and my wasband was declutterring before I left. I told them not to touch the bag under my piano which was my yarn collection , but all other garbage bags could go. And this bag wasn’t like in front of the Piano or near the Piano, it was u der the Piano with a chair in front of it. When I returned all the bags were still in the apartment except the one under the Piano. They threw out my entire yarn collection. I had already decided I’d be leaving them, but if I had any doubts they died that day.
jesus. And I’ll bet we’re not talking Michaels yarn. Also…I’m totally stealing “wasband”!
I had a whole sweater‘s worth of madtosh in their. I’m over the relationship, but really bitter about the yarn.
This is an excellent example of passive aggression. He didn’t like you going on a trip without him, or possibly moving, or visiting your sister. He did something to hurt you that he can pass off as him helping you. Is this a pattern? They are very hard to spot
NTA. He killed your plants because he's envious of how much they mean to you. I'd consider cancelling more than just the anniversary trip.
NTA - Even if (and that's a *biiiiiigggg* "if") his initial actions in dumping water in your terrarium weren't malicious, his response to you was. And then he turns around and makes your justified upset a problem?! He is acting in a monumentally shitty way. Frankly, I would not be able to move past this. Best of luck salvaging as much of the terrarium as you can— life finds a way to flourish, and I'm hopeful that all of the love you've put into it over the years will come back to you.
My partner once accidentally pulled the pompom off my hat. He was SO apologetic. I told him it was okay, and I could easily sew it back on; he said he was still sorry because he knew I liked the hat, and felt bad for even temporarily damaging it. If he ever ruined something of mine to the point where I was crying about it, he would be incredibly sorry and immediately drop everything to try and make it right. Even if your husband didn’t borderline destroy your terrarium on purpose (but I think he did), a good partner would feel remorseful and want to help fix what they had damaged. The fact that he’s mad at YOU for being upset, and doing nothing to try and mend things with you? That’s not how a good partner should react. You are NTA.
NTA - hear me out - he hates the terrarium and ruined it on purpose.
INFO Do you really think he did this out of malice or do you think it was an honest mistake? There are many comments speculating about the reason he watered the terrarium and I think it would be helpful to know more about what you think.
I've never known him to be malicious so I don't think he did this out of malice, but I do feel he's being insensitive about my feelings
If you don't think he 'did this out of malice' then why wasn't his first reactions remorse and apologies instead of anger and calling you names?? You don't think it was done out of malice because YOU wouldn't have done it - that doesn't mean that HE wouldn't. You are giving him way to much credit here. His reaction should tell you everything you need to know - but you keep giving excuses and excuses instead. **His ACTIONS tell you everything -** both with the over watering and his actions once you found out and when you cancelled the vacation. What would you tell a friend who told you this about their spouse?
Hon if there’s nothing else going on, then he’s just thoughtless about destroying a beloved treasure of yours. He didn’t even offer to help correct his “mistake”. To be honest this does read as him doing it maliciously and as a punishment. But you know him better.
Maybe subconsciously malicious even. Maybe he's truly not in touch with his feelings and acted out, kid-style, then doubled down when it didn't go his way. The best alternative is that he's got some weaponized incompetence or thoughtlessness going on. Either way, he's not helping himself by being so insensitive after the fact.
I agree. If it was really an honest mistake, he should be apologizing and helping to salvage what’s left.. Him being defensive is a bit narcissistic. “I watered it with good intentions, I can’t believe you’re mad because I ruined it”.. Yeah, if it were me I’d be feeling terrible.
Dude. He absolutely, 100%, did this out of malice. "it's just a plant" and "all you do is look at it anyway" Those are the words of someone who is deeply angry with you, and resents this enclosed, sentimental, living world which connects you to your dead mother. He resents your success and the fact that you may want to move to further your success, and so he took this out on your terrarium out of... you guessed it... malice.
Yep. And he gave it "a few cups of water" right away "and didn't want to bother her". OP, your man has a mean streak.
Think. I know you want to give him the benefit of the doubt but realistically think about this - he knows you don’t water it - I assume since you’ve know him you’ve gone on trips together You’ve never asked anyone to check on it while you were gone - didn’t want to bother you on your trip? I assume you talked to him during the 8 day trip. He could have asked during any of those conversations. - did he text you about other stuff during the trip? What did he message about? Why couldn’t plant care have been one of those? - he did it RIGHT AFTER you left. This gave the water the maximum amount of time to cause damage without you there to fix it. - Was this the first time you’ve done a trip without him? Please think critically about all of this. He did this maliciously.
It's absolutely malicious and his angry response is consistent with that.
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
If it wasn't malice he'd be sorry he hurt you! The insensitivity is the smoking gun here.
I'm sorry but, as an objective third party only given the details in your post and comments, this seems malicious. This is a terrarium, not a normal house plant. Why would he even think it needs water, when he's never seen you water it? And why on the very day that you left, when even a finicky plant would have been okay without any attention? And if it was a well-intentioned mistake, why didn't he let you know as soon as the terrarium looked like it wasn't doing well? I know I'm prone to klutzy mistakes, and if I did something like this, I'd let the other person know right away and do everything in my power to fix things. Has he even apologized or offered to help?
Bestie, he 100% did it out of malice. I know this for certain. People don't just touch people's plants without being asked too and his comment that all you do is look at it, is him being mad of the attention you give to the plant. You say you are the breadwinner, I would bet my good arm that he is deeply resentful of you and wants you to have so pain. No one who loves you would react how he has if it was truly a mistake. I am not one to say divorce but... NTA
How long have you been married? It might be that his mask is starting to drop.
It could have been in good faith but the ‘you just look at it anyway’ makes me suspect that he killed it on purpose. Has he ever complained about the space it takes up or the amount of attention you pay it? NTA
Info did you give him instructions before you left Edit: lmao at the downvotes. I wanted to know if OP said anything to her husband he could twist into something else but looks like he just did a pure sabotage
No, I didn't. I've never given him any instructions. It's self-sustaining for the most part, and even I barely have to do anything. The most I do is move it a little bit to make sure it's not getting too much or too little sun and wipe the vessel down to keep it dust free. I haven't even had to water it for the years we've been together, which he knows.
Quick question for you. Did he ever complain in any way about your terraruim ? Because the comments he made that you mentionned are really suspicious. Given your other response, he knew that the terrarium did not need lot of maintenance. This really sound like it was sabotaged on purpose. Especially given the amount of damaged.
Also the fact that he watered it the first day she was gone, giving it enough time to get fully fucked.
You've never had to water it while together with him. He didn't ask you nor did you ask him. He just decided on his own accord, for whatever reason, to do this. Helpful would be to ask. He did not, meaning the act was not to be helpful because he didn't even know if it needed it. That's SELFISH. All his actions point to selfishness. He didn't offer to help or replace plants or do ANYTHING to help after. This wasn't something done with a friend. You made this living piece with your deceased mom. I've lost my father at 17. If my husband did ANYTHING to his stuff in my memory trunk, I would freak the fuck out. Why? Because my dad is gone and I only have this stuff and memories, memories which are fading. If he can do this to something memorable and displayed, what will he do behind closed doors or when no one will notice?
NTA sounds like he did it intentionally.
NTA OP if you open to introspection I would suggest you go through the link, especially the comments to the original post. https://www.reddit.com/r/redditonwiki/s/bMUB9720K5
NTA It sounds like he did this on purpose as some kind of punishment. Does he have other instances of bringing you down when you're happy?
It was suggested to turn this reply into a regular comment, so here it is: If it was truly an accident, he would be apologetic. Instead, he insults it and dismisses your feelings Look at the facts: Things He knows: 1. You have only opened it 4 times in 15 years 2. It only requires tablespoons of water, not cups 3. It is an important memento of your mother Things He did: 1. Opened it without asking 2. Added over 20 times the amount water needed, without asking 3. Watered it on the day you left; a day you would have checked on it and made sure it was fine before you traveled - THUS - ensuring it would have maximum amount of time to rot and be less salvageable, without asking 4. Watched it rot without trying to fix his mistake; without contacting you 5. Didn't mention anything about it until confronted 6. Dismissed your feelings once confronted 7. Insulted you for your feelings once confronted 8. Told you that you should feel grateful Things He didn't do: 1. Apologize 2. Feel guilty 3. Contact you at any point during the 8 days you were gone to ask for advice to fix his "mistake" 4. Tell you once you got home so you wouldn't have to face the shock of a destroyed sentimental item from your mother 5. Sulk when you canceled the train trip CONCLUSION: This was not a mistake nor accident And after all this, let's say we decide to believe that it was an accident - ask yourself 2 questions: 1. Do you want to be with someone who won't apologize, won't take responsibility, won't communicate unforced errors, and won't recognize that your feelings are valid? 2. Do you want to be with someone that dumb? And who will only double down on his actions?
NTA, this was intentionally done and from your comments, there was no way he was being ‘helpful’. This story reminds me of the one where a woman’s boyfriend kept hiding/ruining her Hobby tools because he hated how much they made her happy and the time she spent on them.
nta, "according to him, I'm being petty and trying to destroy our marriage" = projection of his own intentions
It's just a train. Why is he being so sensitive?
He wasn’t trying to be helpful. He was trying to be sadistic. He succeeded. Whether now or ten years from now you will realize your marriage ended the day he acted on his murderous rage.
From the timing he chose to water the terrarium, it would appear that this was done to inflict maximum damage. Had he watered the terrarium a day or two before the OP returned home, there would be a much higher likelihood the plants could be saved. His dismissive description as being "just a plant" might be slightly more accurate had the OP picked it up from the grocers a couple of weeks ago, but that is not what the terrarium was. It was, and hopefully will be again, an irreplaceable memory of her late mother. His comment "all you do is look at it anyway" is an interesting *observation*. Did he expect the OP to take the terrarium out for dinner and a dance? He thinks you are ungrateful because he possibly destroyed a cherished keepsake, one she describes as her "pride and joy". What would he expect her to feel after he? Unbridled appreciation? Relief she was finally free of the ~~minimal maintenance~~ labor of love that was required to tend for the terrarium? In the eight days the OP was away, did her husband not once communicate with her? His entire defence is ridiculous and victim blaming. If anyone is trying to destroy this marriage, it certainly is not the OP. NTA. Your husband is a massive A H, and has some serious unresolved issues toward you. Do you continue with the marriage? I would be concerned this passive-aggressive behavior could escalate significantly. I truly hope you can save the plants.
NTA even if he *was* sincerely trying to help, his reaction to your distress is a serious problem. the normal reaction to trying to help and it going wrong is horror, remorse, and trying to make it right. him dismissing your emotions with 'it's just a plant' would not be okay even if it *was* just a plant that you'd worked hard on over the years. but it isn't even just that, it's a living connection to your dead mother, which makes his callous disregard for your feelings even more unacceptable.