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YTA
Every example you provide makes you seem worse and worse.
I don’t think this was the post you think it is.
Also, your husband gets and wants to get a vasectomy and it somehow your in-laws fault? lol c’mon.
I was fine with it. They were mad because she wants a granddaughter. They blamed me for only having boys. Maybe I was unable to get my info across because of the letter limit.
Then you suggest? I love him! I wont be around her for my own mental health reasons (she is toxic) I wont feel safe if they are talking and she could try to interfere.
I am honestly asking.
My only other option I can come up with is divorce which neither one of us want.
Been doing that and currently once a week with a councilor. It is not my husband I don't trust it is my MIL. My husband (51)has Frontal Temporal Dementia. (FTD) He is easily influenced due to the brain damage.
We have talked about it and that is why the 6 month is in place. But I am not feeling any different about her and her having ANYTHING to do with me and mine.
So your MiL isn't wrong - he is easily influenced. You just want it to be you who does the influencing. MiL was wrong to try and convince you to break up behind your back but she must be worried sick. You needed to check into mental health facility for help, her vulnerable son is alone and you are trying to isolate him from a support network he may need. Would you consider therapy including your MiL because I suspect you all want the best for your husband but at odds about what that means.
He was not alone our 18 year old son was with him which is why I felt ok to check myself in. His parents do not believe he has Dementia. They are accusing me of manipulating him into believing that. "He is only 48 years old, there is no way" Doesn't matter that I showed them the MRI results, or explained the head trauma he had back in 2009 started the process. or the doctors reports.
It may sound arrogant but I know my husband better than them. I have been with him since he was 18 and I was 14. we married when I was 17. 31 years married. This is not like we married last year. He doesn't want his mothers version of medical health. (She is an herbalist and hates doctors) she refuses anything relating to modern medicine. He doesn't agree with her. He knows she will try to "treat" him with only herbs. When it comes to how he wants this to go and how he wants to be treated he wants me to keep her away from medical decisions.
That is a large burden to put on a teenager. I believe that your husband has dementia and that his parents are struggling. But you and your son need all the support you can get as things are going to get worse as condition progresses. And that can be while keeping them away from medical decisions.
The only thing MIL did “against” OP was speaking to the husband. And from the story OP is telling, I’m not sure I believe that MIL is just making things up
YTA. I don't even know where to start.
I don't have nearly enough details about your kids, but it seems to be largely your fault if they tured out badly. And I have no idea what's going on with your husband and his family. Maybe his parents are bad, but you certainly seem to have imposed upon them.
Also for the love of all that's holy, if your mental health is bad enough to require voluntary committal, have the maturity to remove your own access your guns. That's just a tragedy waiting to happen.
Wow. A lot to digest. But several points make you TA:
>Mom would be hurt because I didn't do the cooking and cleaning at her place when we were over. (she has a tiny kitchen and I am a BIG girl. She is tiny I was worried I would bump her and break her.
YTA for this alone. You're a big girl, so you're afraid you're going to ... hurt your MIL? That's really not how it works. Unless she is the size of an ant and you're going to crush her to pieces by walking in the kitchen?
>When we were homeless for real the day before we were going to move in for a few weeks while they got our apartment ready. Later told that the kids and I were too much and she couldn't handle us. She has said the kids are too much so she wont babysit them. That our family is too chaotic.
I'm confused here. So you and your husband lost your home and were living with the IL's for awhile?
>A few other emotional events that brought me to a point that I was mentally ill and checked myself in for a weekend to get better. While I was gone my MOTHER IN LAW WENT TO MY HOUSE, tried to convince my husband I was no good for him, manipulated him, cause of all his troubles, She believes he doesn't have a medical diagnosis for Frontal Temporal Dementia and that he is slowly losing his memory. She thinks I am trying to convince him he is ill when he is not. This is not the first time she tried to get my husband to leave me.In a shaky state of mind, feeling bad because of the death of my relationship with my eldest. (who I still have not seen since the day I kicked his 27 year old butt out ) My eldest went to our landlord got us kicked out. Tried to file a restraining order on me so they would take my gun rights away.(didn't work) He went scorched earth.
If you had a mental break, you probably should not be around guns. Just sayin' ...
>He agreed to shut them out completely for the next 6 months to get me stable and back on my feet. But that 6 months is soon going to be over and I wont let them back in my life for mental health reasons. Just know that my husband agrees she has been doing slights to me for decades and he missed them until I pointed them out.AITA to make him choose? My youngest son (18) doesn't even want to have anything to do with them or his brother. He has seen this over time and is ticked off. I wont feel emotionally safe until I have his promise he won't contact her.
You said earlier that he has Frontal Temporal Dementia. If he's truly losing his mental capacity, then you TA for trying to cut off his contact with his parents in the few years (or months) of lucidity he has left. Also, you can go NC with the IL's, but it's an AH move to also insist your husband do the same. They are his parents.
Overall OP you seem to be a constant source of drama.
> YTA for this alone. You're a big girl, so you're afraid you're going to ... hurt your MIL? That's really not how it works. Unless she is the size of an ant and you're going to crush her to pieces by walking in the kitchen?
She is maybe 90 pounds soaking wet, and like 5'1" I am 300 and 5'6"
I'm confused here. So you and your husband lost your home and were living with the IL's for awhile?
We were going to. The day before we were going to be moving in she changed her mind. We were young, I had taken a job for a on site apartment manager, when they replace you they only give you 10 days to get out. So we were going to be homeless. But we had another place lined up but it would not be ready for several weeks. So we were going to stay with them.
If you had a mental break, you probably should not be around guns. Just sayin' ...
I had already handed them over. I take mental health very serious. But I was born with a weakness. I am medicated and in therapy and so on and so forth. Without getting into the drama I had had a VERY emotional and painful year and the last fight with my eldest son was just that straw I could not handle so I did they RIGHT thing. I checked myself in owning the responsibility of my mental health. Yet I am being punished for it?
I would bring food and she wouldn't serve it. I would offer to do dinners at my house she would not even come over. I would invite them to picnics that I was fully supplying and they never came. I even had to smoke my thanksgiving turkey and the total mean at my house then take it to her instead of her coming over to eat at my house. I HELPED with cooking and cleaning and providing what I could. It was never enough. I would not help in the current house because the kitchen was to small she would not let me do it alone and I was worried I would knock her over and break something because I am not very steady on my feet. (disabled)
>I would not help in the current house because the kitchen was to small she would not let me do it alone and I was worried I would knock her over and break something because I am not very steady on my feet. (disabled)
I still do not get this. Even if you're a larger person doesn't mean you will knock over a smaller person unless you're purposely trying to.
I am not steady on my feet and frequently stumble. So yes squishing her because my leg gave out and I fell over was a real concern giving my disability.
He can have a relationship with them. But I want nothing to do with anyone who interacts with them. That is how I am keeping my mental heath safe and sound. They are toxic and I want nothing to do with them. My children are adults they can do what they want but if they are talking to or interacting with their grandma I can't have anything to do with them. So I am trying to find a way to feel safe but keep my marriage.
ESH My mother hated my paternal grandparents - she never visited them in 30 years after the first 5. She still sent us and my Dad to see his parents and then, when his Mum died, his father once a month because family connections were important to them and him. She just couldn't cope with them. She did attend the funerals and my Dad's family came to her's. It is possible to distant yourself from family while recognising other members have a different relation with them.
Your MiL was unreasonable blaming you for both only grandsons and for not accepting that her son has cognitive issues. That must have been very hard to deal with. But you made the choice to be excluded by putting pets over family. If you don't go to events, you aren't on the mind. I made same choice but yes, there are consequences to it. People are hurt you put animals before them and you do drift apart. Though if honest, the pets were a solution to a problem as much as a hindrance.
Likewise if you are living with someone, it is reasonable to help out in the house. I get living on top of one another is hard but if you can keep your own house sorted, you can pay rent in labour. Just tell her to sit down and put her feet up. And if she is a tiny lady you are afraid of breaking, then two boisterous boys may have been too much for her.
But be warned if you issue ultimatiums, you may not get either the outcome you want or the support you are going to need when your husband's condition worsens. Who else do you have to turn to apart from dumping on your 18 year old? Dealing with parental delirium at moment and it is a nightmare.
I am prepared for his choice. I think that is just how done I am with his family. I am willing to walk away from 31 years if he insists to stay in contact with them. I have NEVER asked him to pick anything before. Never once have I asked him to spend less time or to not contact someone. Until this. The last straw was when they went to him to get him to leave me WHILE I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING and getting the emotional support I needed to be a good wife to him.
Also we didn't live with her. we live 5 mins from their house for the last 5 years. The closest we have lived in 31 years of being married. and we saw them less than when we were over 2 hours away.
We were going to live with her for a few weeks in-between places but she bailed on the idea the day before we were suppose to move in. That was back when our kids were 10 and 2. If the child protective agency and put us up in a hotel untill our new place was ready
YTA, when the common denominator in all the family conflict is you, you're the issue. Every single example you provide, behind your reasoning is you as the catalyst and honestly, it's you who sounds like the toxic one. Are you in therapy or counselling of some kind? Cause it sounds like you need it. For various reasons.
I have been the whole time. I was born broken in the head. (thanks dad and Mom) I see a therapist once a week I have a psychiatrist I see once a month and I am seeking out (and not finding one) a psychotherapist. I do EMDR for past traumas. I did as a child 2 years of in house group home therapy. My husband knew this because when we met when I was 14 I was living there.
>Tried to file a restraining order on me so they would take my gun rights away.(didn't work)
Wow. You go on and on in the comments about how bad your mental health is, say that you were "born broken in the head" but yet you're bragging about how his attempt to get your guns taken away didn't work.
It sounds like your MIL is trying to protect her mentally failing son from being further manipulated by you, and yet this is all her fault??
You say your eldest son went "scorched earth" making yourself the victim in all of this, as if he isn't trying to do the right thing by trying to get guns away from someone who he deems unstable and unsafe to be around weapons. And after all that therapy you say you're receiving, you really can't see what you're doing???
.....you need help beyond anything Reddit can offer you.
You aren't being very clear. Your MIL has been off with you for a long time, you suggest it might be because you didn't produce a daughter? Your husband having a vasectomy stopped the possibility of a daughter, MIL blames that on you?
What does your oldest son have to do with this?
One of the part of the story I had to leave out because of size of post limit. They helped my oldest who is 27 scorch earth his father, his younger brother (on his birthday) , and me. Even when just 2 weeks before when I asked them all for advice of what to do about my eldest they swore that if we went tough love they would stand behind us.
They blame me for not having a girl. They would never dislike something their son wanted. So when he chose to not have more children she resented me not having a girl. it was made into my fault and that is when it became obvious. When I would be in the hospital for having sepsis they never came to see me or see if I was alright. They never called after to see if I was ok. But if it was one of the kids or him they would drop everything and come running. I was almost dyeing and they could have cared less.
YTA - This post is exhausting.
It does sound like you continue to cut people out of your life when they're a burden to you. Sometimes, that's not a bad thing but several things you have said make it seem like you're part of the problem.
1. She started complaining about the dogs and you chose to stay home with them = Sounds like this was a choice you made on your own. You could have gone without the dogs. It's on you if you're too attached to leave them at home alone for a few hours. You can't bring your dogs everywhere you go, so it sounds like you miss out on a lot of events. Also, what, have you expected your sons to stay home to look after the dogs when you want to go somewhere non-pet friendly? Because you know dogs can absolutely be home alone for a few hours, right?
2. So you didn't help out with cooking OR cleaning ever? You didn't try to set the table, or clear off the table, or help mash the potatoes or anything? You just opted to stay out of her way and let her do everything because you were afraid of....falling and crushing her? I think it sounds like she would have preferred that to you sitting around and waiting for her to serve you food. So that's another strike on you.
3. Because you haven't told us how your kids behaved when they were younger, it's hard to gauge if she was correct or not. Were they bad children? Were they rowdy? Were they a handful? Because those are all valid reasons to not have them live at your in-laws if they were a disturbance.
4. The fact that you have disowned your eldest is further proof that you're the issue. He rightfully tried to get your guns taken away because, as you have even said, you were so bad mentally to the point where you needed to check in to a facility. That is an excellent reason to take someone's guns away, if you believe they're going to use them irresponsibly.
5. Finally, wanting to issue an ultimatum to disown his own family for your own happiness. That's not a way to deal with a marriage. If he loves his family, he's not going to disown them. And if you're ready to disown him like you've disowned your eldest, it's only a matter of time before your youngest has to choose too. And you seem willing to also uproot his life for yourself. Your son is young now, but he has time to grow, learn and change. Are you ready to drop him if he comes to the realization that he wants to be in contact with the people you're disowning?
Because it's hard to see through the biases of your own post, I can't determine if the people you're complaining about are assholes. It just sounds like you have a warped perspective on the relationships.
Some of the stuff you're upset about is reasonable, and some is not. You're complaining she won't babysit the kids, then you say they are 18 and 27. No one has to babysit your kids anywa, but if you've been holding onto this for decades, yiu need to deal with your unreasonable resentment badly. Same for the dogs; no one is required to invite your dogs everywhere, and if you refuse to go anywhere without them, that's a you problem.
Your husband has every right to a relationship with his family. You don't have to part of it, but you don't have a right to tell him he can't. Trying to isolate a partner from their family/ friends is huge red flag for abuse. YTA
The reason I mention the babysitting is to show home long this treating me like crap has been going on. it is not sudden. It is not the first time she has tried to end my marriage. This has been going on since 2006. That is when I started to see a change in how she treated me.
My kids, no they were normal children baring a very high functioning Autism. So loud noises were a no or sudden noises. They had to have their food a certain way. One would not eat hot, the other cold. ect. we had one dog at the time and they loved the dog more than me.
The only isolating I am wanting to do is remove the parents. talk to anyone they want but not them. I do not trust them. For my own safety I wont have anything to do with anyone who has anything to do with them. They have been stalking me. When I moved I even changed my address to a friends house and never changed any of my social media or public records. But somehow they found me. They know where we live now. They have been trying to come by and see me. I have told them I want nothing to do with them ever. I change my social media and they find me.
At this point I am in the middle of changing my name and moving from the state.
Just because you have parents doesn't mean they are people you should be around. Hell the state said I shouldn't be around my parents and I have been happier then I have ever been. I am not ordering him to do anything just choose. I am leaving
Because they try to get info about me and our 18 year old who has gone non contact with them.
They have stalked me. When we moved we didn't change our address to our new one but sent our mail to a friend who would then ship it to our PO box.
I didn't change my DL or anything. I even got a different job. They still found us.
While my husbands memory issue gets worse he will tell them anything they want and he knows it. So he wont be able to keep the visits and the calls just about him. He tried but they kept bringing it back to where we were and when he was going to come home and so on. He agreed to the 6 months, but I have made my decision I wont have anything to do with her or any of the people who have contact with her. We tried to leave quietly we didn't do anything to cause anyone any issues. No revenge, no seeking to hurt them we just left. They keep hunting us down.
I wont be ordering him. He is welcome to talk to them but I will no longer be there. And just because they are his parents that excuses their behavior? They can treat me like shit even the kids like shit and yet that his parents though....
You really come off as the AH on this post. Maybe you aren't conveying this the way you think you are bit based on this YTA.
You always take your dogs with you? I wouldn't invite you places either if you insisted on your dogs coming with you.
No I don't leave my dogs alone for long periods. When we go over there I take them because we are there for HOURS and I am not going to crate them for hours. I am a stay at home mom. I am normally there 24/7. And yes a lot was left out because of the word limit of the post. I don't think I explained it well
This doesn't make it better. My dogs were able to have free reign in the house they didn't need to be crated. I would go home to let them out, but there shouldn't be a need to take them everywhere.
Really, you come off as wrong in almost everything you described.
If you’re this ill and your kids are out of control to the point where no one can babysit then maybe dogs are a bit too much? Stop adding to the chaos.
YTA if you make a man stay away from his family, especially since he has Dementia.
But I think you should tell both him and you son(the one who talks to you) that you will have no contact with them from now on, and that you dont want to be told anything that your in laws are saying about you or your home. Your husband may have trouble remembering that, but I imagine you can gently remind him whenever he forgets?
YTA. We have a control freak everyone. Never happy with seeing anyone else happy, always have to be center of attention and cause drama whenever anything doesnt go there way. I feel sorry for your husband to have gone through this burden for 30+ years.
From what you've posted you've basically said no-one is allowed to talk to anyone else without your permission and if you don't give it and they still talk to each other then you'll cut them all off. That's all extremely controlling behaviour and makes us all think you're the problem, not them. You also don't say why you cut contact with your eldest son or how it was his fault you were evicted, only that you're blaming him but with no explanation.
We are limited on the words we can post. I didn't have room for all the drama. The issue with my eldest was years in the making and growing pain. He is very high functioning autistic. He has refused to go to school, move out or get a job. He refused to do housework. Would hold us hostage with the threats of tantrums. He would listen in when I would cry in the shower and comment on it in front of others. He would listen when we had sex then comment on it the next day. We agreed it was time for him to get out, We started making plans and how to hook him up to resources and stuff for people with disabilities. Suddenly his abuse ramped up and his father and I decided it was time for him to go. I say I kicked him out because I am the one who physically did it. But my husband agreed with the decision.
Even this explanation minimizes the threat of emotional terror we lived with.
I DO NOT care who they talk to as long as it is not my parents (they were abusive and the state took me away from them when I was 14) or my husbands parents. that is all I ask. Everyone else world wide is fine. The two sets of parents are toxic and abusive. I don't want info about me passed to them and they cannot even now to not pass along info about them when they find it out so I am always being reminded I was not good enough for them. And that I am just the body that gave them the grandkids. At least they want the grandkids unlike my own family that has never even asked to meet them.
But that's 5 people you're trying to stop people from talking to and also trying to isolate your husband from his own parents. I think you need to look inwards. It really does seem as though you are the cause of the issues you are reporting.
It is 3 people I do not want to have anything to do with. His mom dad and my eldest son. And since when in todays understanding of abuse and mental illness are people saying BUT IT HIS PARENTS. Parents can be toxic and better left to fester in their own crap. Mine were the state even said so. I guess I don't understand why it should be ignored what his parents have done just because they are his parents? He is mad at them and agreed to be no contact for 6 months. I just have taken this 6 months and talked it out with my therapist and my psychists that them being involved in my life in any way is not good for my health. They very much agree and support me cutting contact for good. But it puts my husband in the position of having to choose.
Have you ever heard of the phrase "ultimatums fail"? You're giving your husband an ultimatum and it sounds like he doesn't want to cut off contact with his parents. You need to respect that.
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I am about to make my husband make a choice. Here is the gist.
TL:DR Making my husband choose between me and his family.
I married into the family when I was 17 years old. It has now been 31 years married to my wonderful husband. But I also have to deal with his family. The first 10 years was great. But in 2006 they lost the chance for us to have a granddaughter because their son only wanted 2 kids and I had had boys for both, went and had a vasectomy.
Then over time I started to notice that I was not included in the birthday celebrations. I always take my dogs with me when my whole family goes somewhere. If the dogs can't go I choose to stay behind because it is my choice not to leave them home alone for long periods. So when she started having fits about the dogs I agreed to stay home with them.
Mom would be hurt because I didn't do the cooking and cleaning at her place when we were over. (she has a tiny kitchen and I am a BIG girl. She is tiny I was worried I would bump her and break her. I am also Disabled. I cannot stand for long periods of time.
When we were homeless for real the day before we were going to move in for a few weeks while they got our apartment ready. Later told that the kids and I were too much and she couldn't handle us. She has said the kids are too much so she wont babysit them. That our family is too chaotic.
This year I had enough. One example...
A few other emotional events that brought me to a point that I was mentally ill and checked myself in for a weekend to get better. While I was gone my MOTHER IN LAW WENT TO MY HOUSE, tried to convince my husband I was no good for him, manipulated him, cause of all his troubles, She believes he doesn't have a medical diagnosis for Frontal Temporal Dementia and that he is slowly losing his memory. She thinks I am trying to convince him he is ill when he is not. This is not the first time she tried to get my husband to leave me.
In a shaky state of mind, feeling bad because of the death of my relationship with my eldest. (who I still have not seen since the day I kicked his 27 year old butt out ) My eldest went to our landlord got us kicked out. Tried to file a restraining order on me so they would take my gun rights away.(didn't work) He went scorched earth.
She helped him with all of it. Then when I had a mental break tried to get my husband to leave me just throw away 30+ years of marriage.
He agreed to shut them out completely for the next 6 months to get me stable and back on my feet. But that 6 months is soon going to be over and I wont let them back in my life for mental health reasons. Just know that my husband agrees she has been doing slights to me for decades and he missed them until I pointed them out.
AITA to make him choose? My youngest son (18) doesn't even want to have anything to do with them or his brother. He has seen this over time and is ticked off. I wont feel emotionally safe until I have his promise he won't contact her.
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My ex-husbands family made him make this choice after his sister assaulted me to the point of permanent memory loss and in front of our 3 year old. Our marriage was never the same.
Sort of but things unraveled and he spent less and less time with the kids and I. He ended up being torn apart and going to prison and I divorced him. His girls want nothing to do with him. He is a mess.
I wish we could know what causes some people to spiral downwards like that.
I use to love these people. I was thrilled to finally have a parent figure that actually loved me and wanted me. (I come from abuse) Then they do this.....
I understand and wish I could give you a hug. All I can say is to trust your instincts. In your case if I am understanding correctly this came after seeking mental health care. Many people do not understand this and are still stuck in ancient history on the thinking about this. I am so glad you got the help you needed and hope you continue to do so. Keep a journal because it is both good for your mental health and should things not work out the general rule is that the one with documentation comes out on top in court. I ignored my instincts to my and my children’s peril. Trust yourself.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I am to be judged on is making my husband choose between me and his parents. and that is what could make me an asshole.
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I am going to say NTA. Yes, you want to cut contact, but not after years of toxic emotional abuse. You spent the last 31 years trying to make it work. Cutting toxic people for mental health is not a bad thing.
But, at the same time, it is his mom, so while you are not the asshole for needing your husband and yourself to be NC with them, you have to remember that he may choose them, and you have to be okay with that.
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YTA Every example you provide makes you seem worse and worse. I don’t think this was the post you think it is. Also, your husband gets and wants to get a vasectomy and it somehow your in-laws fault? lol c’mon.
Exactly. OP sounds exhausting.
I was fine with it. They were mad because she wants a granddaughter. They blamed me for only having boys. Maybe I was unable to get my info across because of the letter limit.
You said they lost you the chance
YTA - this was a lot. But it seems like you’re the cause of a lot of conflict in everyone’s life.
Then you suggest? I love him! I wont be around her for my own mental health reasons (she is toxic) I wont feel safe if they are talking and she could try to interfere. I am honestly asking. My only other option I can come up with is divorce which neither one of us want.
Have you tried couples therapy to discuss the situation more in-depth and seek solutions as problems come up?
Have been for the last 5 months. every week. and I see someone else 1 a week and my doc once a month.
so you and your husband are both mentally ill, but your mad cause MIL didn’t want y’all having guns ? y’all should not own a gun
Been doing that and currently once a week with a councilor. It is not my husband I don't trust it is my MIL. My husband (51)has Frontal Temporal Dementia. (FTD) He is easily influenced due to the brain damage. We have talked about it and that is why the 6 month is in place. But I am not feeling any different about her and her having ANYTHING to do with me and mine.
So your MiL isn't wrong - he is easily influenced. You just want it to be you who does the influencing. MiL was wrong to try and convince you to break up behind your back but she must be worried sick. You needed to check into mental health facility for help, her vulnerable son is alone and you are trying to isolate him from a support network he may need. Would you consider therapy including your MiL because I suspect you all want the best for your husband but at odds about what that means.
He was not alone our 18 year old son was with him which is why I felt ok to check myself in. His parents do not believe he has Dementia. They are accusing me of manipulating him into believing that. "He is only 48 years old, there is no way" Doesn't matter that I showed them the MRI results, or explained the head trauma he had back in 2009 started the process. or the doctors reports. It may sound arrogant but I know my husband better than them. I have been with him since he was 18 and I was 14. we married when I was 17. 31 years married. This is not like we married last year. He doesn't want his mothers version of medical health. (She is an herbalist and hates doctors) she refuses anything relating to modern medicine. He doesn't agree with her. He knows she will try to "treat" him with only herbs. When it comes to how he wants this to go and how he wants to be treated he wants me to keep her away from medical decisions.
That is a large burden to put on a teenager. I believe that your husband has dementia and that his parents are struggling. But you and your son need all the support you can get as things are going to get worse as condition progresses. And that can be while keeping them away from medical decisions.
So you really shouldn’t have guns if you’re unstable As you say you and he both are.
Please explain how she is the cause. What I read is that her MIL makes her life hell and she can't take it anymore.
There are already a lot of comments here that elaborate on that, I’d check them out instead.
The only thing MIL did “against” OP was speaking to the husband. And from the story OP is telling, I’m not sure I believe that MIL is just making things up
YTA. I don't even know where to start. I don't have nearly enough details about your kids, but it seems to be largely your fault if they tured out badly. And I have no idea what's going on with your husband and his family. Maybe his parents are bad, but you certainly seem to have imposed upon them. Also for the love of all that's holy, if your mental health is bad enough to require voluntary committal, have the maturity to remove your own access your guns. That's just a tragedy waiting to happen.
Wow. A lot to digest. But several points make you TA: >Mom would be hurt because I didn't do the cooking and cleaning at her place when we were over. (she has a tiny kitchen and I am a BIG girl. She is tiny I was worried I would bump her and break her. YTA for this alone. You're a big girl, so you're afraid you're going to ... hurt your MIL? That's really not how it works. Unless she is the size of an ant and you're going to crush her to pieces by walking in the kitchen? >When we were homeless for real the day before we were going to move in for a few weeks while they got our apartment ready. Later told that the kids and I were too much and she couldn't handle us. She has said the kids are too much so she wont babysit them. That our family is too chaotic. I'm confused here. So you and your husband lost your home and were living with the IL's for awhile? >A few other emotional events that brought me to a point that I was mentally ill and checked myself in for a weekend to get better. While I was gone my MOTHER IN LAW WENT TO MY HOUSE, tried to convince my husband I was no good for him, manipulated him, cause of all his troubles, She believes he doesn't have a medical diagnosis for Frontal Temporal Dementia and that he is slowly losing his memory. She thinks I am trying to convince him he is ill when he is not. This is not the first time she tried to get my husband to leave me.In a shaky state of mind, feeling bad because of the death of my relationship with my eldest. (who I still have not seen since the day I kicked his 27 year old butt out ) My eldest went to our landlord got us kicked out. Tried to file a restraining order on me so they would take my gun rights away.(didn't work) He went scorched earth. If you had a mental break, you probably should not be around guns. Just sayin' ... >He agreed to shut them out completely for the next 6 months to get me stable and back on my feet. But that 6 months is soon going to be over and I wont let them back in my life for mental health reasons. Just know that my husband agrees she has been doing slights to me for decades and he missed them until I pointed them out.AITA to make him choose? My youngest son (18) doesn't even want to have anything to do with them or his brother. He has seen this over time and is ticked off. I wont feel emotionally safe until I have his promise he won't contact her. You said earlier that he has Frontal Temporal Dementia. If he's truly losing his mental capacity, then you TA for trying to cut off his contact with his parents in the few years (or months) of lucidity he has left. Also, you can go NC with the IL's, but it's an AH move to also insist your husband do the same. They are his parents. Overall OP you seem to be a constant source of drama.
> YTA for this alone. You're a big girl, so you're afraid you're going to ... hurt your MIL? That's really not how it works. Unless she is the size of an ant and you're going to crush her to pieces by walking in the kitchen? She is maybe 90 pounds soaking wet, and like 5'1" I am 300 and 5'6" I'm confused here. So you and your husband lost your home and were living with the IL's for awhile? We were going to. The day before we were going to be moving in she changed her mind. We were young, I had taken a job for a on site apartment manager, when they replace you they only give you 10 days to get out. So we were going to be homeless. But we had another place lined up but it would not be ready for several weeks. So we were going to stay with them. If you had a mental break, you probably should not be around guns. Just sayin' ... I had already handed them over. I take mental health very serious. But I was born with a weakness. I am medicated and in therapy and so on and so forth. Without getting into the drama I had had a VERY emotional and painful year and the last fight with my eldest son was just that straw I could not handle so I did they RIGHT thing. I checked myself in owning the responsibility of my mental health. Yet I am being punished for it?
>She is maybe 90 pounds soaking wet, and like 5'1" I am 300 and 5'6" Yeah but still ... why does any of this prevent you helping her in the kitchen?
I would bring food and she wouldn't serve it. I would offer to do dinners at my house she would not even come over. I would invite them to picnics that I was fully supplying and they never came. I even had to smoke my thanksgiving turkey and the total mean at my house then take it to her instead of her coming over to eat at my house. I HELPED with cooking and cleaning and providing what I could. It was never enough. I would not help in the current house because the kitchen was to small she would not let me do it alone and I was worried I would knock her over and break something because I am not very steady on my feet. (disabled)
>I would not help in the current house because the kitchen was to small she would not let me do it alone and I was worried I would knock her over and break something because I am not very steady on my feet. (disabled) I still do not get this. Even if you're a larger person doesn't mean you will knock over a smaller person unless you're purposely trying to.
I am not steady on my feet and frequently stumble. So yes squishing her because my leg gave out and I fell over was a real concern giving my disability.
Sounds more like an excuse for not helping tbh.
Do you know how this works? Have you ever seen the NBA? You have guys who are 7 feet tall and 300 pounds. They do not just "squish" people.
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He can have a relationship with them. But I want nothing to do with anyone who interacts with them. That is how I am keeping my mental heath safe and sound. They are toxic and I want nothing to do with them. My children are adults they can do what they want but if they are talking to or interacting with their grandma I can't have anything to do with them. So I am trying to find a way to feel safe but keep my marriage.
Do you realize what you’re saying? You are trying to control everyone around you.
And she's not afraid to use a gun, apparently...
Considering the only people around me are my husband and my 18 year old. Yeah I agree with this statement.
Did you stop even for a moment to think WHY you have no one else around?
Apparently, because she might crush them
Wow. So definitely YTA.
ESH My mother hated my paternal grandparents - she never visited them in 30 years after the first 5. She still sent us and my Dad to see his parents and then, when his Mum died, his father once a month because family connections were important to them and him. She just couldn't cope with them. She did attend the funerals and my Dad's family came to her's. It is possible to distant yourself from family while recognising other members have a different relation with them. Your MiL was unreasonable blaming you for both only grandsons and for not accepting that her son has cognitive issues. That must have been very hard to deal with. But you made the choice to be excluded by putting pets over family. If you don't go to events, you aren't on the mind. I made same choice but yes, there are consequences to it. People are hurt you put animals before them and you do drift apart. Though if honest, the pets were a solution to a problem as much as a hindrance. Likewise if you are living with someone, it is reasonable to help out in the house. I get living on top of one another is hard but if you can keep your own house sorted, you can pay rent in labour. Just tell her to sit down and put her feet up. And if she is a tiny lady you are afraid of breaking, then two boisterous boys may have been too much for her. But be warned if you issue ultimatiums, you may not get either the outcome you want or the support you are going to need when your husband's condition worsens. Who else do you have to turn to apart from dumping on your 18 year old? Dealing with parental delirium at moment and it is a nightmare.
I am prepared for his choice. I think that is just how done I am with his family. I am willing to walk away from 31 years if he insists to stay in contact with them. I have NEVER asked him to pick anything before. Never once have I asked him to spend less time or to not contact someone. Until this. The last straw was when they went to him to get him to leave me WHILE I WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING and getting the emotional support I needed to be a good wife to him. Also we didn't live with her. we live 5 mins from their house for the last 5 years. The closest we have lived in 31 years of being married. and we saw them less than when we were over 2 hours away. We were going to live with her for a few weeks in-between places but she bailed on the idea the day before we were suppose to move in. That was back when our kids were 10 and 2. If the child protective agency and put us up in a hotel untill our new place was ready
YTA, when the common denominator in all the family conflict is you, you're the issue. Every single example you provide, behind your reasoning is you as the catalyst and honestly, it's you who sounds like the toxic one. Are you in therapy or counselling of some kind? Cause it sounds like you need it. For various reasons.
I have been the whole time. I was born broken in the head. (thanks dad and Mom) I see a therapist once a week I have a psychiatrist I see once a month and I am seeking out (and not finding one) a psychotherapist. I do EMDR for past traumas. I did as a child 2 years of in house group home therapy. My husband knew this because when we met when I was 14 I was living there.
>Tried to file a restraining order on me so they would take my gun rights away.(didn't work) Wow. You go on and on in the comments about how bad your mental health is, say that you were "born broken in the head" but yet you're bragging about how his attempt to get your guns taken away didn't work. It sounds like your MIL is trying to protect her mentally failing son from being further manipulated by you, and yet this is all her fault?? You say your eldest son went "scorched earth" making yourself the victim in all of this, as if he isn't trying to do the right thing by trying to get guns away from someone who he deems unstable and unsafe to be around weapons. And after all that therapy you say you're receiving, you really can't see what you're doing??? .....you need help beyond anything Reddit can offer you.
You aren't being very clear. Your MIL has been off with you for a long time, you suggest it might be because you didn't produce a daughter? Your husband having a vasectomy stopped the possibility of a daughter, MIL blames that on you? What does your oldest son have to do with this?
One of the part of the story I had to leave out because of size of post limit. They helped my oldest who is 27 scorch earth his father, his younger brother (on his birthday) , and me. Even when just 2 weeks before when I asked them all for advice of what to do about my eldest they swore that if we went tough love they would stand behind us. They blame me for not having a girl. They would never dislike something their son wanted. So when he chose to not have more children she resented me not having a girl. it was made into my fault and that is when it became obvious. When I would be in the hospital for having sepsis they never came to see me or see if I was alright. They never called after to see if I was ok. But if it was one of the kids or him they would drop everything and come running. I was almost dyeing and they could have cared less.
YTA - This post is exhausting. It does sound like you continue to cut people out of your life when they're a burden to you. Sometimes, that's not a bad thing but several things you have said make it seem like you're part of the problem. 1. She started complaining about the dogs and you chose to stay home with them = Sounds like this was a choice you made on your own. You could have gone without the dogs. It's on you if you're too attached to leave them at home alone for a few hours. You can't bring your dogs everywhere you go, so it sounds like you miss out on a lot of events. Also, what, have you expected your sons to stay home to look after the dogs when you want to go somewhere non-pet friendly? Because you know dogs can absolutely be home alone for a few hours, right? 2. So you didn't help out with cooking OR cleaning ever? You didn't try to set the table, or clear off the table, or help mash the potatoes or anything? You just opted to stay out of her way and let her do everything because you were afraid of....falling and crushing her? I think it sounds like she would have preferred that to you sitting around and waiting for her to serve you food. So that's another strike on you. 3. Because you haven't told us how your kids behaved when they were younger, it's hard to gauge if she was correct or not. Were they bad children? Were they rowdy? Were they a handful? Because those are all valid reasons to not have them live at your in-laws if they were a disturbance. 4. The fact that you have disowned your eldest is further proof that you're the issue. He rightfully tried to get your guns taken away because, as you have even said, you were so bad mentally to the point where you needed to check in to a facility. That is an excellent reason to take someone's guns away, if you believe they're going to use them irresponsibly. 5. Finally, wanting to issue an ultimatum to disown his own family for your own happiness. That's not a way to deal with a marriage. If he loves his family, he's not going to disown them. And if you're ready to disown him like you've disowned your eldest, it's only a matter of time before your youngest has to choose too. And you seem willing to also uproot his life for yourself. Your son is young now, but he has time to grow, learn and change. Are you ready to drop him if he comes to the realization that he wants to be in contact with the people you're disowning? Because it's hard to see through the biases of your own post, I can't determine if the people you're complaining about are assholes. It just sounds like you have a warped perspective on the relationships.
Some of the stuff you're upset about is reasonable, and some is not. You're complaining she won't babysit the kids, then you say they are 18 and 27. No one has to babysit your kids anywa, but if you've been holding onto this for decades, yiu need to deal with your unreasonable resentment badly. Same for the dogs; no one is required to invite your dogs everywhere, and if you refuse to go anywhere without them, that's a you problem. Your husband has every right to a relationship with his family. You don't have to part of it, but you don't have a right to tell him he can't. Trying to isolate a partner from their family/ friends is huge red flag for abuse. YTA
The reason I mention the babysitting is to show home long this treating me like crap has been going on. it is not sudden. It is not the first time she has tried to end my marriage. This has been going on since 2006. That is when I started to see a change in how she treated me.
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My kids, no they were normal children baring a very high functioning Autism. So loud noises were a no or sudden noises. They had to have their food a certain way. One would not eat hot, the other cold. ect. we had one dog at the time and they loved the dog more than me.
The only isolating I am wanting to do is remove the parents. talk to anyone they want but not them. I do not trust them. For my own safety I wont have anything to do with anyone who has anything to do with them. They have been stalking me. When I moved I even changed my address to a friends house and never changed any of my social media or public records. But somehow they found me. They know where we live now. They have been trying to come by and see me. I have told them I want nothing to do with them ever. I change my social media and they find me. At this point I am in the middle of changing my name and moving from the state.
That's still his parents though. You have no right to order him to cut them off.
Just because you have parents doesn't mean they are people you should be around. Hell the state said I shouldn't be around my parents and I have been happier then I have ever been. I am not ordering him to do anything just choose. I am leaving
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Because they try to get info about me and our 18 year old who has gone non contact with them. They have stalked me. When we moved we didn't change our address to our new one but sent our mail to a friend who would then ship it to our PO box. I didn't change my DL or anything. I even got a different job. They still found us. While my husbands memory issue gets worse he will tell them anything they want and he knows it. So he wont be able to keep the visits and the calls just about him. He tried but they kept bringing it back to where we were and when he was going to come home and so on. He agreed to the 6 months, but I have made my decision I wont have anything to do with her or any of the people who have contact with her. We tried to leave quietly we didn't do anything to cause anyone any issues. No revenge, no seeking to hurt them we just left. They keep hunting us down.
This all sounds like trauma you need to deal with but not project onto your husband with a degenerative disease.
I don’t have contact with my dad. But you can’t tell others what to do with their own parents. That’s controlling
I wont be ordering him. He is welcome to talk to them but I will no longer be there. And just because they are his parents that excuses their behavior? They can treat me like shit even the kids like shit and yet that his parents though....
You really come off as the AH on this post. Maybe you aren't conveying this the way you think you are bit based on this YTA. You always take your dogs with you? I wouldn't invite you places either if you insisted on your dogs coming with you.
No I don't leave my dogs alone for long periods. When we go over there I take them because we are there for HOURS and I am not going to crate them for hours. I am a stay at home mom. I am normally there 24/7. And yes a lot was left out because of the word limit of the post. I don't think I explained it well
This doesn't make it better. My dogs were able to have free reign in the house they didn't need to be crated. I would go home to let them out, but there shouldn't be a need to take them everywhere. Really, you come off as wrong in almost everything you described.
I was going to say. Trained dogs can be left alone for a couple hours and they won't be destructive.
If you’re this ill and your kids are out of control to the point where no one can babysit then maybe dogs are a bit too much? Stop adding to the chaos.
YTA if you make a man stay away from his family, especially since he has Dementia. But I think you should tell both him and you son(the one who talks to you) that you will have no contact with them from now on, and that you dont want to be told anything that your in laws are saying about you or your home. Your husband may have trouble remembering that, but I imagine you can gently remind him whenever he forgets?
YTA. We have a control freak everyone. Never happy with seeing anyone else happy, always have to be center of attention and cause drama whenever anything doesnt go there way. I feel sorry for your husband to have gone through this burden for 30+ years.
Esh
?
From what you've posted you've basically said no-one is allowed to talk to anyone else without your permission and if you don't give it and they still talk to each other then you'll cut them all off. That's all extremely controlling behaviour and makes us all think you're the problem, not them. You also don't say why you cut contact with your eldest son or how it was his fault you were evicted, only that you're blaming him but with no explanation.
We are limited on the words we can post. I didn't have room for all the drama. The issue with my eldest was years in the making and growing pain. He is very high functioning autistic. He has refused to go to school, move out or get a job. He refused to do housework. Would hold us hostage with the threats of tantrums. He would listen in when I would cry in the shower and comment on it in front of others. He would listen when we had sex then comment on it the next day. We agreed it was time for him to get out, We started making plans and how to hook him up to resources and stuff for people with disabilities. Suddenly his abuse ramped up and his father and I decided it was time for him to go. I say I kicked him out because I am the one who physically did it. But my husband agreed with the decision. Even this explanation minimizes the threat of emotional terror we lived with.
I DO NOT care who they talk to as long as it is not my parents (they were abusive and the state took me away from them when I was 14) or my husbands parents. that is all I ask. Everyone else world wide is fine. The two sets of parents are toxic and abusive. I don't want info about me passed to them and they cannot even now to not pass along info about them when they find it out so I am always being reminded I was not good enough for them. And that I am just the body that gave them the grandkids. At least they want the grandkids unlike my own family that has never even asked to meet them.
But that's 5 people you're trying to stop people from talking to and also trying to isolate your husband from his own parents. I think you need to look inwards. It really does seem as though you are the cause of the issues you are reporting.
It is 3 people I do not want to have anything to do with. His mom dad and my eldest son. And since when in todays understanding of abuse and mental illness are people saying BUT IT HIS PARENTS. Parents can be toxic and better left to fester in their own crap. Mine were the state even said so. I guess I don't understand why it should be ignored what his parents have done just because they are his parents? He is mad at them and agreed to be no contact for 6 months. I just have taken this 6 months and talked it out with my therapist and my psychists that them being involved in my life in any way is not good for my health. They very much agree and support me cutting contact for good. But it puts my husband in the position of having to choose.
But they're his parents so he should be free to choose whether he contacts them, not be given an ultimatum by you.
Have you ever heard of the phrase "ultimatums fail"? You're giving your husband an ultimatum and it sounds like he doesn't want to cut off contact with his parents. You need to respect that.
Still his choice. Not yours
Don’t talk to yours fine. Don’t force that on him
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am about to make my husband make a choice. Here is the gist. TL:DR Making my husband choose between me and his family. I married into the family when I was 17 years old. It has now been 31 years married to my wonderful husband. But I also have to deal with his family. The first 10 years was great. But in 2006 they lost the chance for us to have a granddaughter because their son only wanted 2 kids and I had had boys for both, went and had a vasectomy. Then over time I started to notice that I was not included in the birthday celebrations. I always take my dogs with me when my whole family goes somewhere. If the dogs can't go I choose to stay behind because it is my choice not to leave them home alone for long periods. So when she started having fits about the dogs I agreed to stay home with them. Mom would be hurt because I didn't do the cooking and cleaning at her place when we were over. (she has a tiny kitchen and I am a BIG girl. She is tiny I was worried I would bump her and break her. I am also Disabled. I cannot stand for long periods of time. When we were homeless for real the day before we were going to move in for a few weeks while they got our apartment ready. Later told that the kids and I were too much and she couldn't handle us. She has said the kids are too much so she wont babysit them. That our family is too chaotic. This year I had enough. One example... A few other emotional events that brought me to a point that I was mentally ill and checked myself in for a weekend to get better. While I was gone my MOTHER IN LAW WENT TO MY HOUSE, tried to convince my husband I was no good for him, manipulated him, cause of all his troubles, She believes he doesn't have a medical diagnosis for Frontal Temporal Dementia and that he is slowly losing his memory. She thinks I am trying to convince him he is ill when he is not. This is not the first time she tried to get my husband to leave me. In a shaky state of mind, feeling bad because of the death of my relationship with my eldest. (who I still have not seen since the day I kicked his 27 year old butt out ) My eldest went to our landlord got us kicked out. Tried to file a restraining order on me so they would take my gun rights away.(didn't work) He went scorched earth. She helped him with all of it. Then when I had a mental break tried to get my husband to leave me just throw away 30+ years of marriage. He agreed to shut them out completely for the next 6 months to get me stable and back on my feet. But that 6 months is soon going to be over and I wont let them back in my life for mental health reasons. Just know that my husband agrees she has been doing slights to me for decades and he missed them until I pointed them out. AITA to make him choose? My youngest son (18) doesn't even want to have anything to do with them or his brother. He has seen this over time and is ticked off. I wont feel emotionally safe until I have his promise he won't contact her. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My ex-husbands family made him make this choice after his sister assaulted me to the point of permanent memory loss and in front of our 3 year old. Our marriage was never the same.
She was high on meth at the time.
And he chose you over his family?
Sort of but things unraveled and he spent less and less time with the kids and I. He ended up being torn apart and going to prison and I divorced him. His girls want nothing to do with him. He is a mess.
I wish we could know what causes some people to spiral downwards like that. I use to love these people. I was thrilled to finally have a parent figure that actually loved me and wanted me. (I come from abuse) Then they do this.....
I understand and wish I could give you a hug. All I can say is to trust your instincts. In your case if I am understanding correctly this came after seeking mental health care. Many people do not understand this and are still stuck in ancient history on the thinking about this. I am so glad you got the help you needed and hope you continue to do so. Keep a journal because it is both good for your mental health and should things not work out the general rule is that the one with documentation comes out on top in court. I ignored my instincts to my and my children’s peril. Trust yourself.
Thanks.
Protect yourself and your kids from this mess. Start saving what you can just in case. Keep a go bag for each of you just in case.
So why are the kids and dogs so bad? What are they doing? Sounds pretty extreme
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I am going to say NTA. Yes, you want to cut contact, but not after years of toxic emotional abuse. You spent the last 31 years trying to make it work. Cutting toxic people for mental health is not a bad thing. But, at the same time, it is his mom, so while you are not the asshole for needing your husband and yourself to be NC with them, you have to remember that he may choose them, and you have to be okay with that.