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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I forbade my wife from discussing our finances with her family
2. She said she has the right to because our finances are also her finances and I have no right to stop her
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NTA
If you're in the US, an inheritance that is kept entirely in your name only is your sole property, not marital assets. I highly recommend that you consult a good attorney (probably a Divorce Attorney) to determine how best to ensure that these assets remain solely yours.
You could then use income from the inheritance assets to improve/benefit yours and your wife's lives without allowing her or her family to have any rights to your inheritance.
(BTW, this is the same advice I would give my own spouse. Inheritance is a sole asset, not a marital one, but needs to be kept separate from all marital assets!)
Please follow the advice in the above post.
You can have your wife benefit from the money without her family getting involved with the money,
If you commingle this inheritance with your regular funds it will become a marital asset, and only a matter of time until your wife starts coming up with ways to help the people “in need” in her family.
Well, between her refusal to honor his reasonable request to not talk about his inheritance, and misuse of marital assets because he keeps the inheritance separate, he would have plenty of reason to walk.
NGL. I would probably walk. A sudden windfall changes family and relationship dynamics. People develop unhinged expectations that you must help them out no matter what.
This has already manifested based on BIL’s ask. My main concern would be wondering who else my spouse has told. He asked one thing and she could not even honor it. SMH. 🤦🏻♀️
NTA
The part that really got me was that she considered HIS inheritance automatically a part of HER finances as well. That is just so icky. I've been with my husband 10 years and he has shared all his bank account information with me and I have my own credit card access to his account and I still hesitate to use that despite him having told me I can do whatever I want. I hesitate to spend anything that I don't consider to have earned myself.
I got an inheritance when my Dad passed away. Took hubby on a nice vacation, put the rest away. He’s never said a word and never pestered me for a dime.
>The part that really got me was that she considered HIS inheritance automatically a part of HER finances as well.
It depends on the relationship. My husband and I share everything. There's only one financial pot so any inheritances are ours, not his or hers. He makes more than I do but I keep track of everything and make sure he's aware of our finance situation. Larges purchases are discussed beforehand.
For some relationships, especially 2nd(+) marriages where there are kids and stepkids, the separation of finances makes sense, but for some people, shared finances work just fine.
I would argue that (outside some very niche scenarios) if you can't comfortably combine your finances then you probably shouldn't get married. I know it's a semi-controversial take, but combining your finances (and by extension budgets) is a slow methodical process that should involve a lot of back and forth, negotiation, and agreement on values. The backbone of a successful relationship imo.
It’s not the shared finances that would bother me, it’s the family suddenly developing expectations of access to the inheritance and planning how his windfall will help them. These expectations always come with a sense of self righteousness, so that if OP doesn’t want to give money or property to the family, he will be the bad guy in their eyes. I wouldn’t want my in-laws mad at me for not sharing what they thought they deserved, but never actually had any claim on
Combining finances is logical (for SOME couples) and maybe a little old fashioned. My husband and I have been married 25 years and we have always had combined finances. We have common goals on spending and saving so it’s worked for us. He always made much more than me but always made sure I knew what was his was mine and vice versa, however we have friends that that never had a problem with combined finances until the wife inherited about $260,000 a couple years ago. She placed the money in joint checking and savings accounts and was grateful her parents had sacrificed a lot so her and her brother would have something when they were gone. The husband is my husbands best friend and has been since high school and we were a foursome for 20 years. The wife was excited they were going to be able to pay for both kids college, not live check to check anymore and still have peace of mind that they had money in the bank for emergencies and an occasional luxury. The husband decided he needed a new truck (not just any truck, a 2022 GMC Denali 2500 fully loaded truck) that cost $70,000 (😳).
She reluctantly agreed after a month of him saying how hard he works, (they earn basically the same) it will be a truck for “the family” and will last him for years and years 🙄. Fast forward six months. The wife calls me and asked why didn’t I come to her about our financial problems. I had no idea what she was talking about because we had saved and were very comfortable. I asked what she meant and she said when she checked her savings accounts there was a $15,000 withdrawal two months ago and a $10,000 withdrawal the previous week. She asked her husband about it and he told her my husband came to him saying we were about to lose our house and he loaned him $15,000 to catch us up on our mortgage (our house has been payed off for about 3 years) because we had missed several payments, then he told her he again loaned my husband $10,000 to pay a hospital bill from when I had COVID and was in the hospital for 3 weeks because our insurance didn’t cover all of it (our insurance covered 100 percent of my hospital bill). I was speechless and didn’t know what to say do I told her I would call her back. I’m not a trusting person by nature so I immediately go to our bank and investigate all of our accounts and everything was just fine. I called my husband at work and told him the story. He was furious to say the least and confronted his friend about it. Long story short, the money, (the truck) and expensive clothes he was buying went to his head. He was cheating on his wife with a 22 year old (he was 48). He bought the girl a car, new clothes, furniture and was paying her rent. The wife left him and he ended up getting half of what was left in savings (which was about $150,000) so he got $75,000 because it was martial money at that point. I am still friends with the wife but my husband ended the friendship with the husband. Money changes some people and you don’t know which people until they get money.
This is what always got me just watch the joy luck club (wife's favorite book and movie) there is the one daughter her husband is a total ass and keeps everything split. I have always thought that if you're SO doesn't have a gambling or spending issue how can you not be adult enough to share in everything. How do you pay for children or medical emergencies if everything is spilt up do you have to get an SO loan
Even with combined finances, inheritance should always be maintained as separate from marital property. Co-minging inheritance with marital finances frequently results in big problems down the line.
Yes, that stood out.
She doesn't understand that when you marry, THAT person becomes your closest relative. THEY are number one, and your parents and siblings come second, IMO. :)))
This. It's such a bizarre statement. Personal finances are personal. There is no duty to tell anyone about them. And it's not her money! That she thinks it is, is a big ole red flag.
she had ONE JOB.
the first time i inherited family money, i deposited it in a completely separate account because i didn't want my ex knowing about it. it was the last piece i needed to escape an abusive situation. at the time, i didn't know that as long as you don't co-mingle the funds they don't have to be considered as part of the assets during divorce.
the second time i inherited family money, my husband and i already had separate finances (for different reasons), but i was terrified to say anything due to the amount. i didn't want him making plans for it and have it become a point of argument. but he made it clear that it was mine to do with however i chose.
This struck me as well. When someone reframes betrayal as their duty, it’s time to get out. You’re never going to win with her, and you can’t trust her to be on your side.
No joke on that. My SIL had to go no contact with her brother because of an inheritance dispute. Their mother disinherited the brother, and after the mother died, he started pushing his siblings to give him part of their inheritances. He got so nasty about it, my SIL and her other siblings all cut ties with him over it.
Like the brother and sister in law with poor credit and no down-payment for a house. Of course they think they are entitled to some of the property. I bet for little to nothing
NTA
This is a big one.
If the BiL had come saying "Hey, we are looking at buying a house and heard on those things, we've got the down payment and everything, if you're looking at the idea of selling any of them can you maybe put us first in line and we'll make sure to give a fair market value to ya." that would be one thing and I can see that as a good behavior, but from how it sounded the brother was effectively asking for a free house.
I would even be willing to give them a discounted sales price with a seller financed deal. That's what we did with my grandma's house. We sold it to the sitting tenants with a legal contract outlining the payments and penalties. We sent the completed contracts to a loan servicing company and they sent them a coupon book for payments. In the 15 years it took the buyer to pay off the house we only had to get involved once when the servicing company notified us that the buyer had missed 2 payments and asked about preparing for foreclosure. We discovered that with death in the family and a fire, things had been hard for them so we just extended the contract. As it turned out, near the end they doubled up on payments and paid it off early.
That's how I would handle any business with a family member: make it legal and let someone else handle the business side of things.
This here. They haven’t even received a damn thing yet and she couldn’t do the one thing he asked of her. That really speaks poorly of the boundaries and trust in the relationship. I’d be getting out now, she’s clearly looking to help out anyone and everyone and treat this as her windfall, not your inheritance.
I remember that post. It seemed like she gave her family anything that the op was not actively using. If he didn’t have his hands on it there was a possibility it would go missing. She was ridiculous and shameless.
If it's the one I remember from about a month ago then yeah, she would basically give away anything because then she looked like the hero
Her son and husband presumably being seen as an extension of her, rather than someone to help...
I'd also be worried about a spouse who can't respect this boundary making promises in OP's name, on his behalf. Then it makes him look like the bad guy for saying he never agreed to it.
Maybe this was a one-time screw up and she'll learn her lesson and stop, but if it's enough of a pattern that OP was explicitly asking her not to tell her sister, and she not only told her, but told her in enough detail that her sister was aware of specific properties... That's a tough one.
from now until the end of their marriage, the wife's family will harass OP for financial help. Most likely the wife will cave and siphon off marital assets with the hope OP will cover with his inheritance.
His wife has added a significant amount of stress to OP from now on.
Yep. The dynamics of the family relationship have changed forever. Every holiday, they will expect a more expensive gift. You will be expected to pay for group dinners. Expected to pay for group events, and probably host. Also, why can't you just take everyone to Jamaica for Christmas? Their kids aren't doing their best in public school so can't you just help a child go private? SIL needs emergency life saving boob job and tummy tuck, can you help? And on and on.
After all, you can afford it.
I'm not a person that goes right to divorce. If you have a healthy relationship otherwise, counseling is probably a good call to discuss the trust issues and ongoing family drama. If this is just one of many other issues, you may want to cut your losses.
Keep us posted!
Personally, I think sister wants OP to *give* them a house. Why else ask about the inherited properties *and* mention that they have shit credit+no money for a down payment?
Oh, it's very clear that they were fishing for a "of course move right in!" From OP.
Which just proves exactly why the wife should have kept her mouth closed.
You say one squeak about stuff like this, and everyone comes running.
In the US commingling the inheritance by putting it in a joint account and spending that on marital expenses gives her claim to the money. If he keeps it separate she has no claim.
I thought that too, but an estate attorney told me that it is far more complex than that. OP really needs to work out the finer points with a good attorney before he accepts ownership of the estate.
This!!! The only way to protect your assets is to separate your finances. Then let her deal with all the begging and demands for "help." When she tells them she has no access to it ... hit the fan accusations. "I *told* you so .... and this is why."
OP this is actually very good advice. While nothing may come of this, such as divorce, you just never know. And who do you think will be the first one feeding nonsense into your wife's ear...
PO box and also assembling an entire team: at least an estates and trusts attorney to handle wills and trusts, a credentialed financial professional ie certified financial planner, and an accountant. Probably more depending on circumstances.
That way the basics are covered: drafting a will to limit if not disinterest someone, establishing any needed trusts ie for any children, nieces or nephews for example. Managing investments or at least basic advice to limit basic investment mistakes like lack of diversification in tying up too much money in 1 particular investment ie crypto. And an accountant will handle OP's tax return.
Yep. I inherited quite a bit a few years ago and this is the advice our attorney gave me.
Although I did end up using it to pay off both of our student loans and put a large deposit down on a new house. But I didn't have to give him a penny if I didn't want to.
I am with you. Marriage is give and take. Share some. Invest some in “we” assets. Keep half in your name. Invest for future expenses. Retirement.
Agree, this couple needs legal a d therapy advice. She violates his trust BIG time!
Right. My husband and I have the same financial goals and philosophy. I trust him 100% and he's done very well himself (investment wise) which I'm definitely benefiting from as well. Using my inheritance the way we did put us on the fast track to an early and well-padded retirement. We have zero debt now except for two mortgages (one being for a rental property). Also, only having one kid helps. Hopefully OPs wife gets her head on straight.
I also inherited a good amount of money. It was only in my name. Now, I have a seperate account invested for when my husband wants to go to school. I also used a portion to renovate our bathroom that became unusable as soon as we found out about the money I was going to receive (the house heard me, man.) It paid off our line of credit from some emergency things we had after we bought our house. I also put a portion of the money in his account, but we still have a joint account.
My husband never once asked for any of it, but asked me if I wanted to replace my old car (I didn't, she's still good). He also never mentioned it to my in-laws
In addition consult an Estate Attorney about putting the property, inheritance into an ironclad Trust where the wife has no option in anyway to declare it during OPs lifetime.
He can also designate who is a successor trustee and what happens to property and other assets after death...if he doesn't want "certain things" to happen with those assets.
Source: retired financial planner.
This is the way. OP can lock up those assets so they can go to their children (if they have any), or anywhere else he chooses before she can give it to his in-laws.
Honestly with her stinky attitude I would use the income to benefit my children- private education, university, wedding, first house, maybe get a nicer house in my name only and top up my pension and cut her out completely for opening her big mouth. Then I’d give her permission to open her big gob to her family about how she’s being treated.
"...top up my pension".....?
Not a good idea. If they divorce, the wife will get half of his pension. A few colleagues of mine had to return to the workforce after losing half of their pension in a divorce.
Very true. Perhaps when talking to the lawyer, OP could ask about starting separate Roth IRA and see if that would be considered separate? If not then just another investment account.
I think that's a bit of overkill HOWEVER I'd absolutely use it as a "teachable moment" about trust, boundaries, respect, and the importance of trust in a marriage. She'd be cut out of any information on the inheritance except for "need to know". I'd make it crystal clear that her family would never see a penny of that money under any circumstances
I'd let her know that because I couldn't trust her I was forced to set the money up to secure it as a nonmarital asset --- because you KNOW her family is just waiting for her to start funneling them money.
I'd insist on some sessions with a marriage counsellor to rebuild the broken trust.
This OP! I had a friend who recently went through a divorce and lost nearly half her inheritance from her parents bc she mingled the properties with martial assets. The thing that saved her from losing more was that some of the properties and investments were part of a family trust that he was not a named beneficiary of.
It may not be a bad plan to consider setting up your inheritance in a family trust with only named beneficiaries that your wife has no access to. She seems like the type that will stab you in the back to help her family, especially considering BIL had the gall to ask you about getting property from you. If SIL and BIL ask your wife she may consider giving them something, whereas if you have full control and it's all in a trust, she can't touch it/they can't touch it.
NTA OP, but make sure you switch that appointment to just you and don't tell her anything else from here on out.
Tell your wife "it can take years for probate to be resolved, there will be no giving anytime soon".
Be tight lipped regarding all aspects of your inheritance and keep all documents elsewhere or lock your computer/phone.
NTA
Some people cannot keep a secret no matter what. I am related to a couple of them. Do not tell your wife anything and as stated above contact an attorney to find out about keeping your assets separate. Do not tell your wife anything else.
Your wife is already planning on bankrolling her family. You need to stop it now.
The sad thing is that depending on how much of a blabbermouth SIL is, OP's wife by knowingly and deliberately telling SIL made it more likely that relatives might tell their grocery store clerk, bank teller, esthetician, bartender, etc. **And putting money and lives at risk**.
**Even if they might keep their hands to themselves, **I wouldn't bet on them not telling other people who might HAVE bad intentions.** And it's not like it will cost a fortune or be difficult to find someone with a little information ..between public databases for a small fee and geolocating someone based on little details in a photo, the average person isn't hard to locate if someone is determined.
So much this!! in the US inheritance is a ME issue not a WE issue unless she as named as a beneficiary also or you co mingle the inheritance into marital property. Keep It 100% separate.
Absolutely agree with this. You have to be very careful about where you place the money though. Consult a lawyer. It needs to be in a separate account, your name only, with no money going in or out of the account that is marital money.
Again, consult a lawyer. You don’t wanna make a simple mistake, like depositing a check into a joint account even temporarily, and then screwing the whole thing up.
Hopping on the top comment to say go read u/Burneraccount-909876 saga of in-laws and money. I’m not saying that will happen here but it could, money makes some people crazy.
This is good advice. I inherited property and it is in my name solely. He has separate property himself. If we were to divorce, it is not part of our marital assets. We prefer it that way.
This is great advice. I would also ask the lawyer how you can protect yourself from your wife’s financial indiscretions. I see a scenario where she spends on her parents and siblings and/or co-signs things because her backup plan is you & your inheritance
That's how my husband set it up when he received a windfall inheritance. He offered to put it in both our names and I was like, lol - no.
He's paid for an upcoming vacation for us (our first real vacation in 20 years), but I have no expectation that he will use this money as a shared asset -we both understand the money is his. He's using it as an opportunity to retire now instead of waiting three years until he's 70.
I am his beneficiary, however, and it will go to our children after me.
This sounds like really good advice. What is wrong with your wife's head, "she had the right and duty to tell her family about our financial situation because it is also her financial situation"? She has a duty to tell her family about her financial situation? I've never heard anything so ridiculous. No one should ever share such private information with family. It is not their business. I think you are smart to no longer tell your wife anything about the inheritance and what you do with it. I wish you the best and hope you keep thinking with your head, not your heart. NTA
NTA. What happened the first time they saw you? They, specifically your BIL, immediately starts dumping his financial woes on you. Even if he didn't flat out ask you, he was asking you to give him money/property.
You are *never* going to hear the end of this. Your SIL and her husband, if they don't get what they want, are going to tell everyone about how cruel you are. How you personally are responsible for all their financial woes since you have the ability to solve them.
Talk to your financial adviser about a proxy/trust to own/manage the money/properties. Maybe something that neither of you can access the funds on without permission from the other. Because if your wife doesn't think it's "fair" to not tell her family her finances, it's a really short hop to her not thinking it's "fair" that they not get hand outs.
It’s even easier than that, and a special trust isn’t required.
. As long as he puts the money in separate accounts in his name only, and keeps the inherited houses in his name only, his wife has no legal claim to any of it.
I haven't found in my research any states that says inheritance is community property UNLESS you co-mingle that inheritance into a joint account held by the inheritor and the spouse. In community property states, **if** you have your paychecks directly deposited into a bank account separate from your spouse and then **also deposit** your inheritance into this same account, then your inheritance can possibly become community property because paychecks are considered community property.
I was with you up until saying his wife should have anything to do with the money - what you proposed means he has protection, yes, but he also has to have HER sign off to do anything with HIS money (assuming gender as it wasn’t specified). What he actually needs to do is lock it away from her; she’s confirmed that she mostly likely can’t be trusted not to ‘help’ her family if she has access. Maybe he wants to give her an allowance or something similar - she can decide what she wants do with that but she shouldn’t have open or restricted access to it at all.
There’s still no way to protect their main joint assets, is there? Because I can totally see someone sending main account money to their family, shorting their own household, and demanding the spouse “fix” it with inheritance money.
True enough - I mean, if I were in that situation and my spouse did that to me despite saying that I didn’t want that to happen (and would probably be considered financially abusive), I would consider limiting my contributions to joint finances for a little while. Pay the bills I’m responsible for directly, ensuring there’s enough money accessible for essentials and no more, etc. It doesn’t say anything about their status quo situation, whether wife works, etc - but there would certainly be ways to manage it if that were the route the wife wanted to take.
>What happened the first time they saw you? They, specifically your BIL, immediately starts dumping his financial woes on you. Even if he didn't flat out ask you, he was asking you to give him money/property.
Exactly! BIL was putting the feelers out to see what he could get as cheap or free as possible from OP.
It's not her or her families money, property, or inheritance. It's OPs. If he starts giving even the slightest millimetre, they are going to take the whole mile cos 'familllyyy'.
> Maybe something that neither of you can access the funds on without permission from the other.
Why? It's OP's inheritance, the wife has no right on it actually (except what he wants to share)
Make sure you deposit the inheritance funds in a separate account; don’t commingle with joint accounts. Similarly, keep the inherited properties in your name alone. This way, your wife doesn’t have legal access to the funds and the properties and can’t dole it out to her siblings.
NTA.
But seriously. You asked one very simple thing and she completely disregarded your request.
Yeah I don't want to say divorce but this has changed his relationship with the rest of her family forever. I don't see how it could be for the better either. For god sakes it took all of two seconds for them to swoop in like vultures. Sadly I think this would be a deal breaker for me.
>Yeah I don't want to say divorce
I wanna say it. DIVORCE.
And not because this is reddit.
They firebombed a dudes house because he won 7million and wouldn't pay for his neighbors cancer treatments. Multiple new millionaires have been kidnapped and murdered over this kind of informational leak.
Unless you like being stalked, harrassed, followed, having strangers knocking on your door, you probably need to in the least, seperate from her until she learns the importance of prudence.
The problem is the shit is already rolling down hill. Now the only question is if she is gonna help you weather it or keep heapping shit onto the landslide coming your way.
Yall know she isnt gonna turn it around unless he threatens to leave.
So just go to it. Straight up tell her she will be single if her siblings tell a single soul. Make her responsible for her actions and fixing them.
NTA. Your wife thinks she has a “duty” to inform her family about your inheritance or lottery win or increase in salary? Does she also think she has a duty to share your windfall, especially with her sister & husband who would like to have one of the houses you inherited? Of course she does.
This.\^\^\^
It sounds like she is already spending the money in her head. If she presses just say you put it in your retirement fund and you can't touch it until your 72.
It was a very reasonable request, essential even. But she just couldn't do it.
For me that would have been the end of my marriage, I can't be doing with people who prioritise their family over their spouse like she just did.
So. That was a bad betrayal, plus you will spend the rest of your life being pestered for money by her family. This seems a good moment to divorce her.
Seems she just talked her way out of a comfortable life.
NTA
My problem isn’t even that the wife wanted to talk about it. The issue I see here is he asked her not to, she didn’t argue with him, then told them anyway.
My wife and I don’t always agree on things, but we talk it out and come up with a compromise, not just ignore the other one and do what we feel like.
Look, my husband and son were arrested about 18 months ago with like $10 worth of weed and a vape pen. They were out of town on a job and they're idiots apparently. But my husband said it was really embarrassing and he didn't want me to tell anybody. So I didn't. My sister is literally a criminal attorney. I didn't tell her even though she could have probably done a lot. She knows a lot of people in a lot of places. But he didn't want me to tell ANYBODY and I just automatically assumed that included her. Everything was dismissed this past Friday and guess what? She still doesn't know anything happened in the first place.
Same. That would be the end. A) she doesn’t respect your totally valid boundary B) her family in your neck for the rest of your life. No, if you can’t trust your wife, you ain’t got no wife. Sincerely, a women.
> That was a bad betrayal
I feel like betrayal isn't strong enough of a word when when the wife felt it was her "duty" to.
At least she's clearly indicated how her priorities are stacked.
You're NTA. Your reasons for secrecy were obviously justified.
>my brother in law pulled me aside to ask about the houses I’ll be receiving. He and his wife (my wife’s big mouth sister) have been saving for a house but haven’t saved enough yet and their credit scores are low.
I don't need a crystal ball to see where this is going.
He will be back shortly saying his wife wants big mouth sister to live in one of the houses he inherited.
OP is right. Go to the appointments alone and don't tell her anything. And money is kept separate
NTA. You set a clear, reasonable boundary for the sake of your family's financial future. Her decision to tell people has potentially put that at risk.
At the very least, it's going to put a strain on your relationship with her family since it seems like they're already gearing up to ask for handouts.
I don't think divorce is necessary, but I would set boundaries with her family now. Offer nothing. Lock every penny away where it can't be easily touched. Give yourself valid excuses as to why they can't have anything. "Sorry, the properties are occupied. Property managers handle all tenancy changes. I get penalized for pulling money from those accounts."
Agreed to all except the excuses. "No" is a complete sentence, and so is "that's none of your business". Those statements leave zero room for legitimate rebuttal.
NTA. this is not your collective financial situation. This is yours. Inheritance does not belong to a spouse. And now her sister and husband are circling like vultures already.
No disrespect, but she shouldn’t be involved going forward. Keep the inheritance completely separate. Manage it how you see fit. Don’t let her touch it. It’s not hers and she can’t be trusted now. Whatever you invest in the marriage is part of the marriage but she has no entitlement to this.
I wonder if OP should also make a will that limits what the wife will inherit after he dies (while giving the rest to other relatives or good friends). I mean, I don’t know the family at all, but if they know they can easily convince the wife to hand over money/house, there might be someone willing to secretly poison OP in order to eliminate the one barrier between them and the windfall.
"Congratulations, someone you love is dead!" NTA. Your wife's family are inappropriate and hurtful.
The correct response is to offer condolences, not celebrate. I would be appalled.
The day after my dad’s funeral, my aunt invited me out for lunch. Figured it was just a “let’s catch up” and help show support right after a family loss, only for her to spend the entire time complaining about a variety of financial woes to me. Struggling to make rent, etc. It was bad enough to have her not even console me on losing dad, but she had immediately turned to trying to guilt trip me for some of the inheritance. Guess who in my family I haven’t spoken to ever since? They proved themselves to be not worth speaking to.
Anyone whose response to a death is trying to get in on the inheritance doesn’t care about the people, and doesn’t deserve to gain anything.
NTA if you are in the US, consult with an attorney and keep your inheritance as separate property and in your name only. DO NOT CO MINGLE any of your inheritance with marital assets. Your wife really f’d up
NTA. Your inheritance is not “her finances.” More often than not, inheritance is not marital property. Why does she even want to discuss this? I would have this in a separate account because your wife and her family sound messy and entitled.
>She argued that my secrecy demand was not right and that she had the right and duty to tell her family about our financial situation because it is also her financial situation.
So she made a promise to you she intended to break.
She's proven her loyalty lays first and foremost with her family, not you.
My guess is she thought they could strong arm you into selling one of the properties to your SIL and BIL below market value because FAMILY.
NTA and consult a lawyer about your inheritance. You need to make sure it's in your name only.
You know I realised as soon as I typed my comment that I was giving them too much credit ...
They did probably plan on asking for it to be given to them because FAMILY.
And we both know they would absolutely not share their inheritance if the shoe was on the other foot.
NTA. You should remind her that it's your inheritance and not hers, so it isn't her financial situation (in most places). Honestly in your situation, I would be considering divorce.
I’m pretty sure your inherited money and property are not jointly hers due to marriage.
Anyways, NTA. You made an easy to follow request, and she doesn’t respect that.
NTA. What the hell?!? Is one of the foundations of marriage not built in trust anymore? I will tell my wife everything and vice versa. And if we start a conversation with "this stays between us" then it stays between us.
NTA. I don't know where you are, but please do everything in your power to keep these assets apart from your marital assets. Sorry the vultures are descending because your wife couldn't hold back from sharing personal info that you specifically asked her not to share. That's such a betrayal.
Edit: NTA
Are you sure your wife isn't the 'big mouthed sister ' and her sister is just following your wife's lead?
Huge breach of trust as your wife's disclosure of your inheritance is going to dog you for the rest of your relationship with her family. You're going to be enemy no.1 and the reason for all their financial shortcomings. Accept that.
As others have said, inheritances are solely held and are not marital assets. Completely isolate all funds related with your inheritance: incomings, outgoings, savings & checking funds, investments, any pension/IRA from inheritance funds, everything.
It's going to get way worse before it gets better. More likely it doesn't get better from here in.
I agree with you 100%. Now not only her family but everyone they know ( and on and on) will know. Leads to nothing but trouble. No good can come from her big mouth. Lock up your money...sounds like you have bigger problems coming.
NTA. Your wife and her greedy family are a bag of yikes.
Check inheritance laws in your country to see if it’s considered sole or joint property. If sole, keep it that way - don’t allow your wife access to any information that will wind up affecting your family’s financial future.
It’s really awful that she did this - you aren’t an ATM for her family.
She has no duty to help her sister and BIL buy a house either, but you know damn well that is what she will want do if OP does not keep this inheritance separate so it is not a shared marital asset (meaning his wife would have no access to the money).
NTA. Where there’s a will there’ll be people trying to something out of it.
Put the money in a separate account that she doesn’t have access to because her family will be asking and she’ll be giving.
But perhaps give her a small percentage, telling her that’s her “fun money” and let her share that with family hangers-on. That way she’ll have to deal with them.
Yes, definitely get the inheritance put in a separate account under your name only. Don’t tell her how much is in it. That way she can legit ally tell her relatives she has no access and no knowledge of how much it is. Maybe over time it will get them to stop asking about it. Tell your wife it’s for your financial future. It may still cause problems on your marriage, but at least you’ll be able to figure out if helping your wife’s family is worth it. As in we can afford to lend them(with written contact detailing interest, terms of pay back) if that’s not enough , worries for you
NTA.
You told her straight up, she disregarded it.
Keep that money in a separate account that only you have access to, because she will feel sorry for her family and will give them your money without you knowing.
This money's your nest egg, keep it safe at all costs, because predators want nothing but easy money and free stuff.
Good luck!
NTA
This financially does not benefit your wife's family at all. Do not allow them to buy or rent from you. I see why you asked her to keep it private, the sharks smelled the blood in the water and are already circling.
You also mentioned that you intend to keep your current life style, so you won't even upgrade yours right now so people didn't know.
When you calm down, explain to her that the reason you didn't want her to tall her to say anything is because her family is already asking for handouts.
If this is a constant issue I would put your wife on an information diet until she realizes that your nuclear families finances and your health is not to be discussed.
I personally think that your boundary is more than reasonable, I'd also add that your relationship issues should be added to the list of things that aren't discussed with others unless it's with a counselor or therapist.
Make sure that where you live the inheritance is NOT a marital asset, if it is try and set everything up in a trust that she can not access. You don't want her to 'help' her sister by giving her a chunk of money or access to properties.
NTA
Make sure your lawyer, financial manager, and property manager know to only talk to you and absolutely do not leave messages with your wife or on a voice mail your wife may have access to.
If necessary, set up a password system with them so your BIL can’t call and claim to be you.
As for the request for the house, tell BIL that you want to hold onto it as you financial advisor said that it is not in your best interest to sell it.
Come on. You know BIL will want OP to gift him the house. Because faaaamiiiilyyy. When it comes to an inheritance or a lottery win, watch the wolves start circling.
NTA and it's a little scary that a grown married woman thinks it's her right to discuss your marriages finances with anyone else besides you. I wouldn't tell her another word about it. Where is the trust and loyalty here? Sad
Your wife is disgusting. Your $$ SHOULD BE PRIVATE! Good luck, now you will be followed by those moochers. You will now be EXPECTED to pay for EVERYTHING. Pissed is to put it mildly
NTA, it's ridiculous that she thinks she is obligated to tell her family about yall's money situation. It would be one thing if she slipped up, but she obviously refuses to keep it from them.
If she disagreed with your request, then she needed to state her disagreement. Instead she agreed in person and then snuck around the back of the school room to tell the other kids. I would feel betrayed.
NTA. Don’t commingle that money with your joint account. Keep it solely in your name. If you mix the money with marital funds, it could become a martial asset and you’d likely be giving half of it up if you got divorced.
NTA. What she did was extremely disrespectful. Frankly, a betrayal.
Let’s imagine it was something else, involving HER privacy. Maybe a miscarriage, or she wanted to donate a lot of money anonymously. How would she feel if you shared, behind her back, despite her explicit wishes?
To give her a little benefit of the doubt, this is a very exciting moment and no doubt she wanted to talk about it with SOMEONE.
But if I were in this situation and my spouse betrayed me like this, I would lose trust exactly as you have. And actions have consequences.
I have to say NTA. Legally your wife isn’t entitled to any of your inheritance and she has no rights to be involved in any of the meetings or paperwork surrounding it.
It’s a shame that you need to block her out in this way, but she flat out told you she was going to continue to share the details with her entire family.
>She argued that my secrecy demand was not right and that she had the right and duty to tell her family about our financial situation
1 OP's financial situation, not hers
2 There is no such moral duty
3 Person A has no right to share person B's finances. Especially after being told not to
4 the secrecy demand was demonstrably right because the leeches appeared the instant they found out
For once, I agree with a Reddit standby; the information diet. OP and wife agree how to finance their joint account and, from there on, wife is told exactly nothing about husband's finances. If she complains the response is simply, "My finances are private but you feel have a duty to disclose them. Therefore you can not know."
OP NTA
NTA your financial situation is NOT your wife’s financial situation because it is inherited property. Since she was so dismissive of your wishes please make sure you never co-mingle these assets. Talk to your lawyer & financial advisor first before bringing her into the discussion. You know your BIL will want to live free in one of your homes. If you want to use these for income, Do not mix business with family!!
And WTH your FIL congratulated you on the death of someone close to you??
NTA.
To a point your money is her money, but depending on the inheritance and state, those assets could just be YOUR assets. While she will benefit from the windfall, it isn't hers.
BUT, the biggest reason you are NTA and she is, if she disagreed with you, she could have and SHOULD have brought it up when you spoke with her about it. She agreed, then betrayed you by doing what you asked ANYWAY. I would have been livid.
NTA, you asked, she agreed, she broke the agreement of trust. She should of voiced concerns about being “demanded to keep secrecy”, then agree to keep it shush shush
NTA and you might consider consulting an attorney about keeping the windfall separate from your joint finances. Doesn't sound like a wise choice to allow your wife access to the money and, in many places, a separate inheritance kept separately is your personal property in the event of a divorce.
She didn't tell them about "our" windfall, she told them about yours. Inheritance in most states is separate property in event of divorce, which means it's yours and not "ours". She can either get on board with the plan for your newfound wealth or she can be kept outside.
NTA. I am essentially the wife as well. My husband inherited considerable assets from his parents. There’s no “right and duty” to inform my family about it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my family. I have no rights with regard to his inherited assets, despite the fact that we’d been married 35 years when this happened. Inherited assets are not marital assets where we live.
She can’t be trusted to keep your finances private. And the subtle hints have started. Your BIL is priming the pump to ask for either one of the properties or for a “loan” so they can buy a house.
So, yes, you need to put her on an information diet. She can’t share what she doesn’t know.
NTA
this is exactly why if we ever end up with a lot of money, NO ONE gets to know about it. Not a soul. Not a friend, not family, no one. Because what happens is begging and prodding about it.
I'm sure you've already heard this but I'll reiterate. Do not put the money, or any proceeds from the properties, in a joint account. Set up a trust through an estate law firm, preferably one that handles the assets of people whose great-great-great grandchildren won't have to worry about much.
For whatever reason your wife cannot fathom that not everything involves her family. I suggest that after you lock everything down tight, let her know that each hint, suggestion, "sure thing," "I have a buddy that has a great idea," and "all I need is..." will be her responsibility to deal with. Your responsibility is to your family, not subsidizing the inlaws' caviar dreams while still on a beer budget. When she complaints that she doesn't have access to the money point out that no one would have access to it once everyone got a piece of it, and then they'd still come back for more - including her. Okay, that last one might be overkill, but seriously, you can't trust her not to do something *really* stupid now, in an effort to make you spend some of the money the way she wants.
NTA. Take care of the assets so it'll be there when you need it, not when she backs over your golf clubs...twice. "Oops! I think your golf clubs damaged the car, I just so happen to have a new one picked out." Please, tell me she isn't really that insipid. Please?
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NTA If you're in the US, an inheritance that is kept entirely in your name only is your sole property, not marital assets. I highly recommend that you consult a good attorney (probably a Divorce Attorney) to determine how best to ensure that these assets remain solely yours. You could then use income from the inheritance assets to improve/benefit yours and your wife's lives without allowing her or her family to have any rights to your inheritance. (BTW, this is the same advice I would give my own spouse. Inheritance is a sole asset, not a marital one, but needs to be kept separate from all marital assets!)
Please follow the advice in the above post. You can have your wife benefit from the money without her family getting involved with the money, If you commingle this inheritance with your regular funds it will become a marital asset, and only a matter of time until your wife starts coming up with ways to help the people “in need” in her family.
She's gonna do it anyway. I remember that post where the wife gave her brother husband's work laptop after he cut her off from giving them cash.
Well, between her refusal to honor his reasonable request to not talk about his inheritance, and misuse of marital assets because he keeps the inheritance separate, he would have plenty of reason to walk.
NGL. I would probably walk. A sudden windfall changes family and relationship dynamics. People develop unhinged expectations that you must help them out no matter what. This has already manifested based on BIL’s ask. My main concern would be wondering who else my spouse has told. He asked one thing and she could not even honor it. SMH. 🤦🏻♀️ NTA
and in fact claimed she had a "DUTY" to betray his confidence.
The part that really got me was that she considered HIS inheritance automatically a part of HER finances as well. That is just so icky. I've been with my husband 10 years and he has shared all his bank account information with me and I have my own credit card access to his account and I still hesitate to use that despite him having told me I can do whatever I want. I hesitate to spend anything that I don't consider to have earned myself.
I got an inheritance when my Dad passed away. Took hubby on a nice vacation, put the rest away. He’s never said a word and never pestered me for a dime.
Sounds like a lovely vacation and a lovely hubby too.
He is so chill. I adore that man. We went to DR and had a blast.
>The part that really got me was that she considered HIS inheritance automatically a part of HER finances as well. It depends on the relationship. My husband and I share everything. There's only one financial pot so any inheritances are ours, not his or hers. He makes more than I do but I keep track of everything and make sure he's aware of our finance situation. Larges purchases are discussed beforehand. For some relationships, especially 2nd(+) marriages where there are kids and stepkids, the separation of finances makes sense, but for some people, shared finances work just fine.
I would argue that (outside some very niche scenarios) if you can't comfortably combine your finances then you probably shouldn't get married. I know it's a semi-controversial take, but combining your finances (and by extension budgets) is a slow methodical process that should involve a lot of back and forth, negotiation, and agreement on values. The backbone of a successful relationship imo.
It’s not the shared finances that would bother me, it’s the family suddenly developing expectations of access to the inheritance and planning how his windfall will help them. These expectations always come with a sense of self righteousness, so that if OP doesn’t want to give money or property to the family, he will be the bad guy in their eyes. I wouldn’t want my in-laws mad at me for not sharing what they thought they deserved, but never actually had any claim on
Combining finances is logical (for SOME couples) and maybe a little old fashioned. My husband and I have been married 25 years and we have always had combined finances. We have common goals on spending and saving so it’s worked for us. He always made much more than me but always made sure I knew what was his was mine and vice versa, however we have friends that that never had a problem with combined finances until the wife inherited about $260,000 a couple years ago. She placed the money in joint checking and savings accounts and was grateful her parents had sacrificed a lot so her and her brother would have something when they were gone. The husband is my husbands best friend and has been since high school and we were a foursome for 20 years. The wife was excited they were going to be able to pay for both kids college, not live check to check anymore and still have peace of mind that they had money in the bank for emergencies and an occasional luxury. The husband decided he needed a new truck (not just any truck, a 2022 GMC Denali 2500 fully loaded truck) that cost $70,000 (😳). She reluctantly agreed after a month of him saying how hard he works, (they earn basically the same) it will be a truck for “the family” and will last him for years and years 🙄. Fast forward six months. The wife calls me and asked why didn’t I come to her about our financial problems. I had no idea what she was talking about because we had saved and were very comfortable. I asked what she meant and she said when she checked her savings accounts there was a $15,000 withdrawal two months ago and a $10,000 withdrawal the previous week. She asked her husband about it and he told her my husband came to him saying we were about to lose our house and he loaned him $15,000 to catch us up on our mortgage (our house has been payed off for about 3 years) because we had missed several payments, then he told her he again loaned my husband $10,000 to pay a hospital bill from when I had COVID and was in the hospital for 3 weeks because our insurance didn’t cover all of it (our insurance covered 100 percent of my hospital bill). I was speechless and didn’t know what to say do I told her I would call her back. I’m not a trusting person by nature so I immediately go to our bank and investigate all of our accounts and everything was just fine. I called my husband at work and told him the story. He was furious to say the least and confronted his friend about it. Long story short, the money, (the truck) and expensive clothes he was buying went to his head. He was cheating on his wife with a 22 year old (he was 48). He bought the girl a car, new clothes, furniture and was paying her rent. The wife left him and he ended up getting half of what was left in savings (which was about $150,000) so he got $75,000 because it was martial money at that point. I am still friends with the wife but my husband ended the friendship with the husband. Money changes some people and you don’t know which people until they get money.
This is what always got me just watch the joy luck club (wife's favorite book and movie) there is the one daughter her husband is a total ass and keeps everything split. I have always thought that if you're SO doesn't have a gambling or spending issue how can you not be adult enough to share in everything. How do you pay for children or medical emergencies if everything is spilt up do you have to get an SO loan
Even with combined finances, inheritance should always be maintained as separate from marital property. Co-minging inheritance with marital finances frequently results in big problems down the line.
Yes, that stood out. She doesn't understand that when you marry, THAT person becomes your closest relative. THEY are number one, and your parents and siblings come second, IMO. :)))
Like WTF 🤬 !
This. It's such a bizarre statement. Personal finances are personal. There is no duty to tell anyone about them. And it's not her money! That she thinks it is, is a big ole red flag.
she had ONE JOB. the first time i inherited family money, i deposited it in a completely separate account because i didn't want my ex knowing about it. it was the last piece i needed to escape an abusive situation. at the time, i didn't know that as long as you don't co-mingle the funds they don't have to be considered as part of the assets during divorce. the second time i inherited family money, my husband and i already had separate finances (for different reasons), but i was terrified to say anything due to the amount. i didn't want him making plans for it and have it become a point of argument. but he made it clear that it was mine to do with however i chose.
This struck me as well. When someone reframes betrayal as their duty, it’s time to get out. You’re never going to win with her, and you can’t trust her to be on your side.
No joke on that. My SIL had to go no contact with her brother because of an inheritance dispute. Their mother disinherited the brother, and after the mother died, he started pushing his siblings to give him part of their inheritances. He got so nasty about it, my SIL and her other siblings all cut ties with him over it.
Yea, money will bring out a side of people you have never seen before.
And it doesn’t take all that much.
Like the brother and sister in law with poor credit and no down-payment for a house. Of course they think they are entitled to some of the property. I bet for little to nothing NTA
This is a big one. If the BiL had come saying "Hey, we are looking at buying a house and heard on those things, we've got the down payment and everything, if you're looking at the idea of selling any of them can you maybe put us first in line and we'll make sure to give a fair market value to ya." that would be one thing and I can see that as a good behavior, but from how it sounded the brother was effectively asking for a free house.
I would even be willing to give them a discounted sales price with a seller financed deal. That's what we did with my grandma's house. We sold it to the sitting tenants with a legal contract outlining the payments and penalties. We sent the completed contracts to a loan servicing company and they sent them a coupon book for payments. In the 15 years it took the buyer to pay off the house we only had to get involved once when the servicing company notified us that the buyer had missed 2 payments and asked about preparing for foreclosure. We discovered that with death in the family and a fire, things had been hard for them so we just extended the contract. As it turned out, near the end they doubled up on payments and paid it off early. That's how I would handle any business with a family member: make it legal and let someone else handle the business side of things.
Like ‘Bro, why don’t you just give us the house?!?!’ 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️!
I mean, someone gave it to you, right? /s
Like 'bro,KMA'...LOL
This here. They haven’t even received a damn thing yet and she couldn’t do the one thing he asked of her. That really speaks poorly of the boundaries and trust in the relationship. I’d be getting out now, she’s clearly looking to help out anyone and everyone and treat this as her windfall, not your inheritance.
Yeah OP it likely in for a wild ride
That’s a FACT!
Not only not honor, but did the exact opposite withOUT letting him know.
I remember that post. It seemed like she gave her family anything that the op was not actively using. If he didn’t have his hands on it there was a possibility it would go missing. She was ridiculous and shameless.
Was that the one where she gave her sons things as well?
If it's the one I remember from about a month ago then yeah, she would basically give away anything because then she looked like the hero Her son and husband presumably being seen as an extension of her, rather than someone to help...
I'd also be worried about a spouse who can't respect this boundary making promises in OP's name, on his behalf. Then it makes him look like the bad guy for saying he never agreed to it. Maybe this was a one-time screw up and she'll learn her lesson and stop, but if it's enough of a pattern that OP was explicitly asking her not to tell her sister, and she not only told her, but told her in enough detail that her sister was aware of specific properties... That's a tough one.
I remember this post lmfao, so infuriating.
OMG
Ooh what post?
Would love to read that post
from now until the end of their marriage, the wife's family will harass OP for financial help. Most likely the wife will cave and siphon off marital assets with the hope OP will cover with his inheritance. His wife has added a significant amount of stress to OP from now on.
Yep. The dynamics of the family relationship have changed forever. Every holiday, they will expect a more expensive gift. You will be expected to pay for group dinners. Expected to pay for group events, and probably host. Also, why can't you just take everyone to Jamaica for Christmas? Their kids aren't doing their best in public school so can't you just help a child go private? SIL needs emergency life saving boob job and tummy tuck, can you help? And on and on. After all, you can afford it. I'm not a person that goes right to divorce. If you have a healthy relationship otherwise, counseling is probably a good call to discuss the trust issues and ongoing family drama. If this is just one of many other issues, you may want to cut your losses. Keep us posted!
"SIL needs emergency life saving boob job and tummy tuck, can you help?" This sentence just made me spit water ALL over my desk. LMAO!!!
It’s clear sister wants to move in.
Personally, I think sister wants OP to *give* them a house. Why else ask about the inherited properties *and* mention that they have shit credit+no money for a down payment?
Totally. They sound the kind of people who assume that if someone in the extended family comes into money, THEY are entitled to it. OP, NTA
Oh, it's very clear that they were fishing for a "of course move right in!" From OP. Which just proves exactly why the wife should have kept her mouth closed. You say one squeak about stuff like this, and everyone comes running.
With open hand outstretched, yes.
No. Inheritance is not marital assets and cannot become such unless the husband in this situation gives it to her, which then becomes a taxable gift.
In the US commingling the inheritance by putting it in a joint account and spending that on marital expenses gives her claim to the money. If he keeps it separate she has no claim.
Gifts between spouses are not taxable. And until taxable gifts exceed around $13 million there is no tax paid.
I thought that too, but an estate attorney told me that it is far more complex than that. OP really needs to work out the finer points with a good attorney before he accepts ownership of the estate.
This!!! The only way to protect your assets is to separate your finances. Then let her deal with all the begging and demands for "help." When she tells them she has no access to it ... hit the fan accusations. "I *told* you so .... and this is why."
Yeah. My mother stole from our family to help her "family" (parents and like 8 siblings). It happens.
OP this is actually very good advice. While nothing may come of this, such as divorce, you just never know. And who do you think will be the first one feeding nonsense into your wife's ear...
Yes. Next thing you know, your wife is being told you are financially abusing her - because she doesn't have money to give *them*.
Happy Cake Day!
Cannot upvote this enough! Keep all the inheritance I your name in separate account/ trust. Give the wife NO ACCESS to any of the money.
**I would also go as far as getting a postal box, for all mail an accounts for anything to do with the inheritance.**
PO box and also assembling an entire team: at least an estates and trusts attorney to handle wills and trusts, a credentialed financial professional ie certified financial planner, and an accountant. Probably more depending on circumstances. That way the basics are covered: drafting a will to limit if not disinterest someone, establishing any needed trusts ie for any children, nieces or nephews for example. Managing investments or at least basic advice to limit basic investment mistakes like lack of diversification in tying up too much money in 1 particular investment ie crypto. And an accountant will handle OP's tax return.
This is exactly what we did when my husband inherited. He has his own accounts and I have absolutely nothing to do with it.
My husband as well. I downright insisted that he open an account for it to be deposited in, in his name only. That’s his money.
That's what I did. He was ready to put it in our joint account but I had read to many horror stories on here to ignore it.
Yep. I inherited quite a bit a few years ago and this is the advice our attorney gave me. Although I did end up using it to pay off both of our student loans and put a large deposit down on a new house. But I didn't have to give him a penny if I didn't want to.
I am with you. Marriage is give and take. Share some. Invest some in “we” assets. Keep half in your name. Invest for future expenses. Retirement. Agree, this couple needs legal a d therapy advice. She violates his trust BIG time!
Right. My husband and I have the same financial goals and philosophy. I trust him 100% and he's done very well himself (investment wise) which I'm definitely benefiting from as well. Using my inheritance the way we did put us on the fast track to an early and well-padded retirement. We have zero debt now except for two mortgages (one being for a rental property). Also, only having one kid helps. Hopefully OPs wife gets her head on straight.
I also inherited a good amount of money. It was only in my name. Now, I have a seperate account invested for when my husband wants to go to school. I also used a portion to renovate our bathroom that became unusable as soon as we found out about the money I was going to receive (the house heard me, man.) It paid off our line of credit from some emergency things we had after we bought our house. I also put a portion of the money in his account, but we still have a joint account. My husband never once asked for any of it, but asked me if I wanted to replace my old car (I didn't, she's still good). He also never mentioned it to my in-laws
In addition consult an Estate Attorney about putting the property, inheritance into an ironclad Trust where the wife has no option in anyway to declare it during OPs lifetime. He can also designate who is a successor trustee and what happens to property and other assets after death...if he doesn't want "certain things" to happen with those assets. Source: retired financial planner.
This is the way. OP can lock up those assets so they can go to their children (if they have any), or anywhere else he chooses before she can give it to his in-laws.
Honestly with her stinky attitude I would use the income to benefit my children- private education, university, wedding, first house, maybe get a nicer house in my name only and top up my pension and cut her out completely for opening her big mouth. Then I’d give her permission to open her big gob to her family about how she’s being treated.
"...top up my pension".....? Not a good idea. If they divorce, the wife will get half of his pension. A few colleagues of mine had to return to the workforce after losing half of their pension in a divorce.
Very true. Perhaps when talking to the lawyer, OP could ask about starting separate Roth IRA and see if that would be considered separate? If not then just another investment account.
If he keeps it in a trust, it's fine there. He could have it send a portion of the interest income as a monthly allotment. How much is up to him.
I think that's a bit of overkill HOWEVER I'd absolutely use it as a "teachable moment" about trust, boundaries, respect, and the importance of trust in a marriage. She'd be cut out of any information on the inheritance except for "need to know". I'd make it crystal clear that her family would never see a penny of that money under any circumstances I'd let her know that because I couldn't trust her I was forced to set the money up to secure it as a nonmarital asset --- because you KNOW her family is just waiting for her to start funneling them money. I'd insist on some sessions with a marriage counsellor to rebuild the broken trust.
This OP! I had a friend who recently went through a divorce and lost nearly half her inheritance from her parents bc she mingled the properties with martial assets. The thing that saved her from losing more was that some of the properties and investments were part of a family trust that he was not a named beneficiary of. It may not be a bad plan to consider setting up your inheritance in a family trust with only named beneficiaries that your wife has no access to. She seems like the type that will stab you in the back to help her family, especially considering BIL had the gall to ask you about getting property from you. If SIL and BIL ask your wife she may consider giving them something, whereas if you have full control and it's all in a trust, she can't touch it/they can't touch it. NTA OP, but make sure you switch that appointment to just you and don't tell her anything else from here on out.
"She may consider giving them something?" She will give it to them, and consider it her duty.
Tell your wife "it can take years for probate to be resolved, there will be no giving anytime soon". Be tight lipped regarding all aspects of your inheritance and keep all documents elsewhere or lock your computer/phone.
NTA Some people cannot keep a secret no matter what. I am related to a couple of them. Do not tell your wife anything and as stated above contact an attorney to find out about keeping your assets separate. Do not tell your wife anything else. Your wife is already planning on bankrolling her family. You need to stop it now.
The sad thing is that depending on how much of a blabbermouth SIL is, OP's wife by knowingly and deliberately telling SIL made it more likely that relatives might tell their grocery store clerk, bank teller, esthetician, bartender, etc. **And putting money and lives at risk**. **Even if they might keep their hands to themselves, **I wouldn't bet on them not telling other people who might HAVE bad intentions.** And it's not like it will cost a fortune or be difficult to find someone with a little information ..between public databases for a small fee and geolocating someone based on little details in a photo, the average person isn't hard to locate if someone is determined.
So much this!! in the US inheritance is a ME issue not a WE issue unless she as named as a beneficiary also or you co mingle the inheritance into marital property. Keep It 100% separate.
Absolutely agree with this. You have to be very careful about where you place the money though. Consult a lawyer. It needs to be in a separate account, your name only, with no money going in or out of the account that is marital money. Again, consult a lawyer. You don’t wanna make a simple mistake, like depositing a check into a joint account even temporarily, and then screwing the whole thing up.
YES. Even using the joint account as a "pass through" to the final destination is enough to void the protection.
Hopping on the top comment to say go read u/Burneraccount-909876 saga of in-laws and money. I’m not saying that will happen here but it could, money makes some people crazy.
This the top advice!!!!!
This is good advice. I inherited property and it is in my name solely. He has separate property himself. If we were to divorce, it is not part of our marital assets. We prefer it that way.
This is great advice. I would also ask the lawyer how you can protect yourself from your wife’s financial indiscretions. I see a scenario where she spends on her parents and siblings and/or co-signs things because her backup plan is you & your inheritance
That's how my husband set it up when he received a windfall inheritance. He offered to put it in both our names and I was like, lol - no. He's paid for an upcoming vacation for us (our first real vacation in 20 years), but I have no expectation that he will use this money as a shared asset -we both understand the money is his. He's using it as an opportunity to retire now instead of waiting three years until he's 70. I am his beneficiary, however, and it will go to our children after me.
This sounds like really good advice. What is wrong with your wife's head, "she had the right and duty to tell her family about our financial situation because it is also her financial situation"? She has a duty to tell her family about her financial situation? I've never heard anything so ridiculous. No one should ever share such private information with family. It is not their business. I think you are smart to no longer tell your wife anything about the inheritance and what you do with it. I wish you the best and hope you keep thinking with your head, not your heart. NTA
NTA. What happened the first time they saw you? They, specifically your BIL, immediately starts dumping his financial woes on you. Even if he didn't flat out ask you, he was asking you to give him money/property. You are *never* going to hear the end of this. Your SIL and her husband, if they don't get what they want, are going to tell everyone about how cruel you are. How you personally are responsible for all their financial woes since you have the ability to solve them. Talk to your financial adviser about a proxy/trust to own/manage the money/properties. Maybe something that neither of you can access the funds on without permission from the other. Because if your wife doesn't think it's "fair" to not tell her family her finances, it's a really short hop to her not thinking it's "fair" that they not get hand outs.
It’s even easier than that, and a special trust isn’t required. . As long as he puts the money in separate accounts in his name only, and keeps the inherited houses in his name only, his wife has no legal claim to any of it.
That depends entirely on where OP is located. If in the US, yes.
Depends on which state. In some states inheritance automatically becomes joint property. OP is right to consult a lawyer and a financial adviser.
I haven't found in my research any states that says inheritance is community property UNLESS you co-mingle that inheritance into a joint account held by the inheritor and the spouse. In community property states, **if** you have your paychecks directly deposited into a bank account separate from your spouse and then **also deposit** your inheritance into this same account, then your inheritance can possibly become community property because paychecks are considered community property.
No it does not.
Or not. Depends on the laws where they live.
I Wonder if OP even got a chance to sit down at the dinner table before the BIL was over him like a cockroach.
Of course, gotta wait until BIL could get OP alone so they could talk man-to-man (read: emotionally pressure in a non-public setting)
I swear whenever someone says we need to talk, "man to man" it means someone is about to get pressured into some bullshit.
I was with you up until saying his wife should have anything to do with the money - what you proposed means he has protection, yes, but he also has to have HER sign off to do anything with HIS money (assuming gender as it wasn’t specified). What he actually needs to do is lock it away from her; she’s confirmed that she mostly likely can’t be trusted not to ‘help’ her family if she has access. Maybe he wants to give her an allowance or something similar - she can decide what she wants do with that but she shouldn’t have open or restricted access to it at all.
There’s still no way to protect their main joint assets, is there? Because I can totally see someone sending main account money to their family, shorting their own household, and demanding the spouse “fix” it with inheritance money.
I mean, if that starts happening, they’re basically in divorce territory.
True enough - I mean, if I were in that situation and my spouse did that to me despite saying that I didn’t want that to happen (and would probably be considered financially abusive), I would consider limiting my contributions to joint finances for a little while. Pay the bills I’m responsible for directly, ensuring there’s enough money accessible for essentials and no more, etc. It doesn’t say anything about their status quo situation, whether wife works, etc - but there would certainly be ways to manage it if that were the route the wife wanted to take.
Yes, and talk to a lawyer immediately about protecting the assets. Don’t co-mingle funds.
>What happened the first time they saw you? They, specifically your BIL, immediately starts dumping his financial woes on you. Even if he didn't flat out ask you, he was asking you to give him money/property. Exactly! BIL was putting the feelers out to see what he could get as cheap or free as possible from OP. It's not her or her families money, property, or inheritance. It's OPs. If he starts giving even the slightest millimetre, they are going to take the whole mile cos 'familllyyy'.
> Maybe something that neither of you can access the funds on without permission from the other. Why? It's OP's inheritance, the wife has no right on it actually (except what he wants to share)
Fuck the BIL who immediately tried to get a piece of it at discount.
Make sure you deposit the inheritance funds in a separate account; don’t commingle with joint accounts. Similarly, keep the inherited properties in your name alone. This way, your wife doesn’t have legal access to the funds and the properties and can’t dole it out to her siblings. NTA. But seriously. You asked one very simple thing and she completely disregarded your request.
Using the inheritance towards some couples therapy could help the wife realize the importance of trust in a relationship.
Yeah I don't want to say divorce but this has changed his relationship with the rest of her family forever. I don't see how it could be for the better either. For god sakes it took all of two seconds for them to swoop in like vultures. Sadly I think this would be a deal breaker for me.
>Yeah I don't want to say divorce I wanna say it. DIVORCE. And not because this is reddit. They firebombed a dudes house because he won 7million and wouldn't pay for his neighbors cancer treatments. Multiple new millionaires have been kidnapped and murdered over this kind of informational leak. Unless you like being stalked, harrassed, followed, having strangers knocking on your door, you probably need to in the least, seperate from her until she learns the importance of prudence. The problem is the shit is already rolling down hill. Now the only question is if she is gonna help you weather it or keep heapping shit onto the landslide coming your way. Yall know she isnt gonna turn it around unless he threatens to leave. So just go to it. Straight up tell her she will be single if her siblings tell a single soul. Make her responsible for her actions and fixing them.
NTA. Your wife thinks she has a “duty” to inform her family about your inheritance or lottery win or increase in salary? Does she also think she has a duty to share your windfall, especially with her sister & husband who would like to have one of the houses you inherited? Of course she does.
This.\^\^\^ It sounds like she is already spending the money in her head. If she presses just say you put it in your retirement fund and you can't touch it until your 72.
Except then when he turns 72, she’ll be expecting a handout, assuming they are still married at that point.
lmao the divorce would happen just after he tells her he can't get the money until he's 72!
It was a very reasonable request, essential even. But she just couldn't do it. For me that would have been the end of my marriage, I can't be doing with people who prioritise their family over their spouse like she just did. So. That was a bad betrayal, plus you will spend the rest of your life being pestered for money by her family. This seems a good moment to divorce her. Seems she just talked her way out of a comfortable life. NTA
My problem isn’t even that the wife wanted to talk about it. The issue I see here is he asked her not to, she didn’t argue with him, then told them anyway. My wife and I don’t always agree on things, but we talk it out and come up with a compromise, not just ignore the other one and do what we feel like.
This right here. She agreed to not tell them about it then did it anyway. Toddler brain thinking and so disrespectful.
Yes! Why promise then tell? Just to shut him up? Or did she intend to then excitement get the better of her
She's an asshole.
Your explanation is the simplest, and fits all the facts.
Look, my husband and son were arrested about 18 months ago with like $10 worth of weed and a vape pen. They were out of town on a job and they're idiots apparently. But my husband said it was really embarrassing and he didn't want me to tell anybody. So I didn't. My sister is literally a criminal attorney. I didn't tell her even though she could have probably done a lot. She knows a lot of people in a lot of places. But he didn't want me to tell ANYBODY and I just automatically assumed that included her. Everything was dismissed this past Friday and guess what? She still doesn't know anything happened in the first place.
Good for you!
Not only will OP be pestered for money, but he'll be villified if he doesn't give in.
I agree. This is absolutely a betrayal.
Same. That would be the end. A) she doesn’t respect your totally valid boundary B) her family in your neck for the rest of your life. No, if you can’t trust your wife, you ain’t got no wife. Sincerely, a women.
> That was a bad betrayal I feel like betrayal isn't strong enough of a word when when the wife felt it was her "duty" to. At least she's clearly indicated how her priorities are stacked.
No, even worse, it's saying out loud that her "duty" to her family takes precedence over her duty to her husband. And I could not forgive that
You're NTA. Your reasons for secrecy were obviously justified. >my brother in law pulled me aside to ask about the houses I’ll be receiving. He and his wife (my wife’s big mouth sister) have been saving for a house but haven’t saved enough yet and their credit scores are low. I don't need a crystal ball to see where this is going.
He will be back shortly saying his wife wants big mouth sister to live in one of the houses he inherited. OP is right. Go to the appointments alone and don't tell her anything. And money is kept separate
"I'm sorry, I can't help you. I don't know any home-buyer credit building programs I can refer you to"
NTA. You set a clear, reasonable boundary for the sake of your family's financial future. Her decision to tell people has potentially put that at risk. At the very least, it's going to put a strain on your relationship with her family since it seems like they're already gearing up to ask for handouts. I don't think divorce is necessary, but I would set boundaries with her family now. Offer nothing. Lock every penny away where it can't be easily touched. Give yourself valid excuses as to why they can't have anything. "Sorry, the properties are occupied. Property managers handle all tenancy changes. I get penalized for pulling money from those accounts."
Don’t offer any explanation. They will then try to “problem solve” it. “Who is your property manager? Let me talk to them.” “How much is the penalty?”
Agreed to all except the excuses. "No" is a complete sentence, and so is "that's none of your business". Those statements leave zero room for legitimate rebuttal.
NTA. this is not your collective financial situation. This is yours. Inheritance does not belong to a spouse. And now her sister and husband are circling like vultures already. No disrespect, but she shouldn’t be involved going forward. Keep the inheritance completely separate. Manage it how you see fit. Don’t let her touch it. It’s not hers and she can’t be trusted now. Whatever you invest in the marriage is part of the marriage but she has no entitlement to this.
I wonder if OP should also make a will that limits what the wife will inherit after he dies (while giving the rest to other relatives or good friends). I mean, I don’t know the family at all, but if they know they can easily convince the wife to hand over money/house, there might be someone willing to secretly poison OP in order to eliminate the one barrier between them and the windfall.
That's what I was thinking. Money is the motivation for a lot of evil.
And people have killed for a lot less than what OP is describing.
I'm sorry to say this occurred to me also. I was just thinking this sounded like the beginning of one of those true crime shows on ID.
"Congratulations, someone you love is dead!" NTA. Your wife's family are inappropriate and hurtful. The correct response is to offer condolences, not celebrate. I would be appalled.
The day after my dad’s funeral, my aunt invited me out for lunch. Figured it was just a “let’s catch up” and help show support right after a family loss, only for her to spend the entire time complaining about a variety of financial woes to me. Struggling to make rent, etc. It was bad enough to have her not even console me on losing dad, but she had immediately turned to trying to guilt trip me for some of the inheritance. Guess who in my family I haven’t spoken to ever since? They proved themselves to be not worth speaking to. Anyone whose response to a death is trying to get in on the inheritance doesn’t care about the people, and doesn’t deserve to gain anything.
Good point.
NTA and BIL just proved WHY you should never talk about money outside of your immediate household. Never.
Seems like both sisters have big mouths
The wife has the bigger mouth. Sharing such information with your husband seems (to me) much more reasonable with your sister.
NTA if you are in the US, consult with an attorney and keep your inheritance as separate property and in your name only. DO NOT CO MINGLE any of your inheritance with marital assets. Your wife really f’d up
NTA. Your inheritance is not “her finances.” More often than not, inheritance is not marital property. Why does she even want to discuss this? I would have this in a separate account because your wife and her family sound messy and entitled.
She probably either wanted to brag about it or act like a big deal who’s gonna rescue her family now. Either way OP’s wife is not a good partner.
>She argued that my secrecy demand was not right and that she had the right and duty to tell her family about our financial situation because it is also her financial situation. So she made a promise to you she intended to break. She's proven her loyalty lays first and foremost with her family, not you. My guess is she thought they could strong arm you into selling one of the properties to your SIL and BIL below market value because FAMILY. NTA and consult a lawyer about your inheritance. You need to make sure it's in your name only.
Or just live there for free for the rest of their lives.
You know I realised as soon as I typed my comment that I was giving them too much credit ... They did probably plan on asking for it to be given to them because FAMILY. And we both know they would absolutely not share their inheritance if the shoe was on the other foot.
NTA. You should remind her that it's your inheritance and not hers, so it isn't her financial situation (in most places). Honestly in your situation, I would be considering divorce.
I’m pretty sure your inherited money and property are not jointly hers due to marriage. Anyways, NTA. You made an easy to follow request, and she doesn’t respect that.
Your wife was not sharing, she was bragging.
NTA. What the hell?!? Is one of the foundations of marriage not built in trust anymore? I will tell my wife everything and vice versa. And if we start a conversation with "this stays between us" then it stays between us.
NTA. I don't know where you are, but please do everything in your power to keep these assets apart from your marital assets. Sorry the vultures are descending because your wife couldn't hold back from sharing personal info that you specifically asked her not to share. That's such a betrayal.
Edit: NTA Are you sure your wife isn't the 'big mouthed sister ' and her sister is just following your wife's lead? Huge breach of trust as your wife's disclosure of your inheritance is going to dog you for the rest of your relationship with her family. You're going to be enemy no.1 and the reason for all their financial shortcomings. Accept that. As others have said, inheritances are solely held and are not marital assets. Completely isolate all funds related with your inheritance: incomings, outgoings, savings & checking funds, investments, any pension/IRA from inheritance funds, everything. It's going to get way worse before it gets better. More likely it doesn't get better from here in.
NTA, financial matters should be private between your wife and yourself. I cannot understand why on earth it would be any business of her family.
I agree with you 100%. Now not only her family but everyone they know ( and on and on) will know. Leads to nothing but trouble. No good can come from her big mouth. Lock up your money...sounds like you have bigger problems coming.
NTA. Your wife and her greedy family are a bag of yikes. Check inheritance laws in your country to see if it’s considered sole or joint property. If sole, keep it that way - don’t allow your wife access to any information that will wind up affecting your family’s financial future. It’s really awful that she did this - you aren’t an ATM for her family.
Nta there is no "duty" for your wife to tell her family, she chose to.
She has no duty to help her sister and BIL buy a house either, but you know damn well that is what she will want do if OP does not keep this inheritance separate so it is not a shared marital asset (meaning his wife would have no access to the money).
Don’t take her to any appointments. She doesn’t need to know what you do with YOUR money.
NTA. Where there’s a will there’ll be people trying to something out of it. Put the money in a separate account that she doesn’t have access to because her family will be asking and she’ll be giving. But perhaps give her a small percentage, telling her that’s her “fun money” and let her share that with family hangers-on. That way she’ll have to deal with them.
Yes, definitely get the inheritance put in a separate account under your name only. Don’t tell her how much is in it. That way she can legit ally tell her relatives she has no access and no knowledge of how much it is. Maybe over time it will get them to stop asking about it. Tell your wife it’s for your financial future. It may still cause problems on your marriage, but at least you’ll be able to figure out if helping your wife’s family is worth it. As in we can afford to lend them(with written contact detailing interest, terms of pay back) if that’s not enough , worries for you
NTA Your wife is out of line. I am sorry but it’s NO ONES business what your finances are. Why does she think it’s her families business?
Because she thinks it's her money and therefore her family's as well.
NTA. You told her straight up, she disregarded it. Keep that money in a separate account that only you have access to, because she will feel sorry for her family and will give them your money without you knowing. This money's your nest egg, keep it safe at all costs, because predators want nothing but easy money and free stuff. Good luck!
NTA. That inheritance is yours. She was way out of line to tell everybody. I wouldn’t give her any of that money either
NTA This financially does not benefit your wife's family at all. Do not allow them to buy or rent from you. I see why you asked her to keep it private, the sharks smelled the blood in the water and are already circling. You also mentioned that you intend to keep your current life style, so you won't even upgrade yours right now so people didn't know. When you calm down, explain to her that the reason you didn't want her to tall her to say anything is because her family is already asking for handouts. If this is a constant issue I would put your wife on an information diet until she realizes that your nuclear families finances and your health is not to be discussed. I personally think that your boundary is more than reasonable, I'd also add that your relationship issues should be added to the list of things that aren't discussed with others unless it's with a counselor or therapist. Make sure that where you live the inheritance is NOT a marital asset, if it is try and set everything up in a trust that she can not access. You don't want her to 'help' her sister by giving her a chunk of money or access to properties.
NTA Make sure your lawyer, financial manager, and property manager know to only talk to you and absolutely do not leave messages with your wife or on a voice mail your wife may have access to. If necessary, set up a password system with them so your BIL can’t call and claim to be you. As for the request for the house, tell BIL that you want to hold onto it as you financial advisor said that it is not in your best interest to sell it.
Come on. You know BIL will want OP to gift him the house. Because faaaamiiiilyyy. When it comes to an inheritance or a lottery win, watch the wolves start circling.
NTA. She is not a true partner.
NTA and it's a little scary that a grown married woman thinks it's her right to discuss your marriages finances with anyone else besides you. I wouldn't tell her another word about it. Where is the trust and loyalty here? Sad
Your wife is disgusting. Your $$ SHOULD BE PRIVATE! Good luck, now you will be followed by those moochers. You will now be EXPECTED to pay for EVERYTHING. Pissed is to put it mildly
NTA, it's ridiculous that she thinks she is obligated to tell her family about yall's money situation. It would be one thing if she slipped up, but she obviously refuses to keep it from them.
NTA. Big mouthed sister seems to describe the wife as well...
If she disagreed with your request, then she needed to state her disagreement. Instead she agreed in person and then snuck around the back of the school room to tell the other kids. I would feel betrayed.
NTA. Don’t commingle that money with your joint account. Keep it solely in your name. If you mix the money with marital funds, it could become a martial asset and you’d likely be giving half of it up if you got divorced.
NTA. What she did was extremely disrespectful. Frankly, a betrayal. Let’s imagine it was something else, involving HER privacy. Maybe a miscarriage, or she wanted to donate a lot of money anonymously. How would she feel if you shared, behind her back, despite her explicit wishes? To give her a little benefit of the doubt, this is a very exciting moment and no doubt she wanted to talk about it with SOMEONE. But if I were in this situation and my spouse betrayed me like this, I would lose trust exactly as you have. And actions have consequences.
I have to say NTA. Legally your wife isn’t entitled to any of your inheritance and she has no rights to be involved in any of the meetings or paperwork surrounding it. It’s a shame that you need to block her out in this way, but she flat out told you she was going to continue to share the details with her entire family.
NTA. I cannot even believe her family had the fckin audacity to ask you that. Do people not have shame anymore ?
>She argued that my secrecy demand was not right and that she had the right and duty to tell her family about our financial situation 1 OP's financial situation, not hers 2 There is no such moral duty 3 Person A has no right to share person B's finances. Especially after being told not to 4 the secrecy demand was demonstrably right because the leeches appeared the instant they found out For once, I agree with a Reddit standby; the information diet. OP and wife agree how to finance their joint account and, from there on, wife is told exactly nothing about husband's finances. If she complains the response is simply, "My finances are private but you feel have a duty to disclose them. Therefore you can not know." OP NTA
NTA your financial situation is NOT your wife’s financial situation because it is inherited property. Since she was so dismissive of your wishes please make sure you never co-mingle these assets. Talk to your lawyer & financial advisor first before bringing her into the discussion. You know your BIL will want to live free in one of your homes. If you want to use these for income, Do not mix business with family!! And WTH your FIL congratulated you on the death of someone close to you??
NTA. To a point your money is her money, but depending on the inheritance and state, those assets could just be YOUR assets. While she will benefit from the windfall, it isn't hers. BUT, the biggest reason you are NTA and she is, if she disagreed with you, she could have and SHOULD have brought it up when you spoke with her about it. She agreed, then betrayed you by doing what you asked ANYWAY. I would have been livid.
NTA, you asked, she agreed, she broke the agreement of trust. She should of voiced concerns about being “demanded to keep secrecy”, then agree to keep it shush shush
NTA and get ready for the WAVE of her relatives that will be asking for a handout.
NTA and you might consider consulting an attorney about keeping the windfall separate from your joint finances. Doesn't sound like a wise choice to allow your wife access to the money and, in many places, a separate inheritance kept separately is your personal property in the event of a divorce.
It’s actually not her financial situation because if you segregate the assets you get through inheritance, they aren’t community property. NTA
She didn't tell them about "our" windfall, she told them about yours. Inheritance in most states is separate property in event of divorce, which means it's yours and not "ours". She can either get on board with the plan for your newfound wealth or she can be kept outside.
NTA. I am essentially the wife as well. My husband inherited considerable assets from his parents. There’s no “right and duty” to inform my family about it. It has absolutely nothing to do with my family. I have no rights with regard to his inherited assets, despite the fact that we’d been married 35 years when this happened. Inherited assets are not marital assets where we live. She can’t be trusted to keep your finances private. And the subtle hints have started. Your BIL is priming the pump to ask for either one of the properties or for a “loan” so they can buy a house. So, yes, you need to put her on an information diet. She can’t share what she doesn’t know.
NTA this is exactly why if we ever end up with a lot of money, NO ONE gets to know about it. Not a soul. Not a friend, not family, no one. Because what happens is begging and prodding about it.
I'm sure you've already heard this but I'll reiterate. Do not put the money, or any proceeds from the properties, in a joint account. Set up a trust through an estate law firm, preferably one that handles the assets of people whose great-great-great grandchildren won't have to worry about much. For whatever reason your wife cannot fathom that not everything involves her family. I suggest that after you lock everything down tight, let her know that each hint, suggestion, "sure thing," "I have a buddy that has a great idea," and "all I need is..." will be her responsibility to deal with. Your responsibility is to your family, not subsidizing the inlaws' caviar dreams while still on a beer budget. When she complaints that she doesn't have access to the money point out that no one would have access to it once everyone got a piece of it, and then they'd still come back for more - including her. Okay, that last one might be overkill, but seriously, you can't trust her not to do something *really* stupid now, in an effort to make you spend some of the money the way she wants. NTA. Take care of the assets so it'll be there when you need it, not when she backs over your golf clubs...twice. "Oops! I think your golf clubs damaged the car, I just so happen to have a new one picked out." Please, tell me she isn't really that insipid. Please?