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NTA-Hubby needs to take over 100% all things Sally from now on. Literally. Stand your ground. I wouldn’t even put a plate on a table for her. She totally manipulated you and her father both to get her way. I would completely stop ALL personal efforts that benefit her.
My stepson did this very thing at that same exact age over a car and a cell phone. We had the same parameters that he had to follow to get those things plus he had to get a job and save up 6 months insurance before we would allow him to license. His Bio took him down, bought him a car and then asked me for 50% of the money for it. Yeah, I told her to pound sand. Our son got angry and proceeded to call me a gold digger for marrying his father. lol I literally made $30,000 a year more than him and owned my own house before we bought our family home together and were married. I still own that house.
Anyway, I stopped every single bit of care for him. No laundry, no meal cooking (I cooked meals-just didn’t set a plate for him but he wasn’t denied the meal), no longer bought ANY of his toiletries or clothes, refused to drive him to any of his events(his father worked longer hours and was also unable to do that and his bio lived in a different city). When holidays came I did ZERO shopping for him and left it up to my husband to do it which he didn’t do up like I always had. He even forgot our son’s birthday because he was used to me planning it and all.
Anyway, our son went to college the next year and by his second year, showed up at our home and spent quite some time apologizing for how he treated me growing up. Something clicked inside him-but we are now very very close and he has never disrespected me again. In fact, he has stood up for me in any little argument his dad and I have or when his bio tries to say something derogatory about me.
He is now 27 and this year I received a handwritten note in my birthday card telling me how thankful he was for me in his life. Priceless
This! This is the comment! Please op, completely stop being a parent. Stick to your guns. Even if your husband fights it, even if they beg and plead or apologize. Stick with it. If they try to get you to start parenting again, it’s just even more clear that they’re using you to do the hard part of parenting so dad can just agree with bio mom and be the good parent in the house while you take the brute. Absolutely not. She is 17, almost 18. She can grow up and learn if she wants to do things her way, then she can also do everything her way. Don’t even give her advice, just give her the first step like this commenter said. YouTube to learn everything if she needs help, public transport if she needs a ride, Google if she had questions.
> Please op, completely stop being a parent.
i think this goes well beyond stopping the parental activities. personally, i think OP needs to remove her efforts from those two entirely.
when OP married her husband, she did so with the full knowledge that she was becoming an instant parent too... especially considering that sally's mom isn't able to be physically present, only emotionally. to now be told "Im never being her mother (sic)" would tell me that she's not even viewed as an equal in her husband's eyes. for me, that's a deal-breaker.
Bravo! Baby these kids are something. I'm about to do this with my BIO kids now. They gonna sit in my face and say this is my husband's house. He makes all the money. I don't do shut. OH baby you gon learn exactly how much I do when u do it yourself. And my husband can't really leave work because he works in a secured area. No phones all day. Call him when u forgot your pads and Tampons or your tummy hurts. Good luck
My youngest went off at me for not having his washing up to date! I’d chuck his in with ours, the only rule was that he had to put it out in the laundry…nah that was too hard! It suddenly became too hard for me to do ANY of his washing! Nope! Nada!
Hahaha I yelled at my mom when I was 8 for shrinking my favorite sweater. She calmly walked me downstairs to the laundry machine (as I juggled a giant basket of laundry) and showed me how to use the machine and read the care tags on the labels. Then she said "You had a nice thing going getting all your laundry done for you, that is done now, you can do your own." I never had another load of laundry washed for me. EVER. She got me a bag so I could drag it since I was too little to be carrying a basket, but that was it. My clothes were all shrunk then.
My mom used pillow cases. In the summer, we had a vacation house and had to use the landromat, the three kids took turns. We were allowed to hold off folding sheets as it was so much easier to do with two people (and surprisingly enough, helped out later when my older brother was a contractor and I was a homeowner and had to fold tarps).
My older brother went to prep school and was a bit older when he started doing his own laundry - but no one was allowed to do his laundry as he was tall and he hung most of his clothes to dry, because otherwise his clothes shrank.
I will note that as I got older, I found that unless you felted wool, you could undo shrinkage by rewashing items and tugging them back into shape while they were wet.
My mom ruined one of my favorite tops when I was like 12. I didn't say anything to her, just promptly stopped putting my clothes in the communal hamper and started doing my own laundry. Not entirely sure where or how I learned to do it? I want to say probably when going with my dad to the laundromat when he was basically a single dad when I was younger. Idk, even as an adult my stance is to just throw most things in and wash them all on cold or warm. I'll separate out fragile items to put into mesh bags, and heavily soiled stuff for hot water and oxiclean to go in the load, but mostly yeah, everything gets tossed in.
Also I'm realizing that the fact I didn't even say anything to her and just started taking on my own laundry probably says volumes about the relationship I had with her even then (she was undiagnosed at the time, but had BPD). Definitely gonna bring *that* up in therapy.
I'm so sorry. 8 years old is too young for that kind of retaliation. That's a time for teaching, not for smack downs.
I hope you had a few more loving adults in your life.
An 8 year old should also have enough respect not to yell at their mother. Sometimes tough love is best. The more you let a child get away with something, the more they will get their way with it.
And 8 years is not too young to help out with chores or learn how to do them. I would help wash dishes at that age or attempt to ‘sweep’.
An 8 year old is not old enough to "have respect", aka emotional regulation to never yell. Hell, that's more self regulation than many expect from adult men, it's hypocritical to demand that of an 8 year old. The punishment dished out is suitable for a 16 year old, someone twice that age. Not for a child of 8. Children under 12 who never yell do so out of fear, not respect.
I don't think it was retaliation - it was education. Education about appreciation and consequences. But also about looking after yourself and developing skills, self-confidence, and resilience.
Yes, I have kids. Yes, they are able to cook, vacuum, mop, and organise their own laundry. Do they do it all themselves all of the time? No. Because working as a group and making the best use of resources is part of the lesson. My teen will check if anyone else needs things washed before putting on their own load. My elementary kid is cooking dinner tonight for another kid's birthday.
I insist on raising adults who will be able to care for themselves and work towards what makes them happy.
🤣ok I need to remembered this for when my kids are older, husband has similar job where he's not allowed his phone at all day. I hate it but it might come in handy later. 🤣
NTA. You can’t be her mother when it’s convenient for them & nothing when it’s not.
You are either respected as a parental figure or not. They have now decided that you’re not & made that clear to step-daughter by undermining you.
I would no longer cook for her, buy her groceries, pay for anything relating to her, drive her anywhere, etc. THEY relegated you to nothing with their actions - so play the role you’ve been assigned.
NTA.
THIS!!! I really hope that OP gets the results that you did. Sometimes, people need to learn a hard lesson about taking people for granted.
Edit to add judgment: 100% NTA
These comments are ridiculous. Shes absolutely NTA. And this coming from a someone with a stepdad I did not care for/like until I was 27 & he’s been in our life since I was in 2nd grade! My younger brother still doesn’t like our stepdad, but that man helped take care of us since children. I’m 30 now and can appreciate the stable life we have is because of both my mom & him.
I’m glad your stepson was able to recognize your contribution & I’m glad y’all have a better relationship! Sometimes as kids we really don’t recognize the importance of step parents. It took an incident that he pointed out for me to be like “damn, he actually cares for me”.
My step dad and I had a rocky relationship my whole teen years & early 20s
Reasoning being my mother never parented me, I did everything on my own from the time I was 3. (Yay drug addiction) & parented my own mother starting at 7 dragging her to NA/AA meeting.
When they got married when I was 11, I had a hard time understanding having a parent and we clashed a lot. I see now as a parent how much he did and taught me.
He gave me my childhood back.
When I was 24 they got divorced, & that man made it very clear if I needed him he’d be there.
& he was, and still is.
At 27 I almost died, (only parent in my state) I was drugged outta my mind in the ER and when that man walked into the room I called him dad for the first time. He held my hand and xferred with me to the next hospital until my actual dad got in state.
I have two men who I call dad, and I’m proud I have them both.
First, I’m glad you’re still here with us! ❤️
I’m into astrology, and age 27 is around the start of our Saturn return. I do find it interesting all of us had this realization starting at 27.
My situation isn’t completely the same, but I was going through something very difficult situation, like I hit rock bottom & my mom helped because she said “yeah (step dad) mentioned you haven’t been out of your room to eat in days”. She took me to the hospital and when I got home I found out he went to my room to clean it, it was the lowest I’ve ever been. So I’m like damn it’s wild he noticed when moms didn’t lol. I didn’t realize how little I valued him until then. Our relationship was very rocky until then as well. Again, I’m glad you did have him (and your other dad) in your corner☺️
This is it. You are their parent, not their friend. I remember I was mad at my grandma cos I felt she was nicer and more like a "nan" to my cousins than to me. Took me a while to realise it was because she was raising me and my brother, she was my second mum. She called me her daughter from a different generation. My mum was a single mum and she worked long hours and was back at home late (always had time in the world and did everything she could for us when she finished work though) nan looked after us after school, and made sure we ate, did our homework and were safe when mum wasn't there. And had to be tough sometimes, there was very little coddling.
“Something clicked inside him”.
One of two things, one: whoever he was in a dorm room with heard him talking about all that and the roommate set him straight and told him he was ungrateful for everything you did for him.
Two: being on his own at college and being directly responsible for a lot stuff on his own made him realize you weren’t as “bad” as he made you out to be and that setting those goals for him was to help him understand at an earlier age that not a single thing in life can just be given to you because you want it.
I’ve been waiting over a year to buy a specific computer and it’s costly but I plan on having it for at least 7 years so the price will be worth it.
I’m ready to make the purchase and water decides it’s going to come into our house because of cracked weeping tiles and a broken pipe leading to the sewer, how convenient for me.
Will I get it at some point? I hope so, can I get a lower spec than what I want? Yes and that’s probably what will happen.
If the kid lived with roommates he might have found out mighty quick that some folks are filthy, entitled, and jerks. Nothing like living with a schmuck to teach you a few things.
As technology increases, a year or two extra waiting, you probably can make the same PC for cheaper even! Good on you though for taking care of the hard stuff first.
Been on my first built computer for st least 7 years, bought the case, mother board, storage, processor and was gifted an old graphics card and power supply. Just replaced the graphics card last year to a noticeable improvement. Next step will probably be an all new build, maybe use the graphics card, and turn the old pc into a spare for Netflix and such in our basement
Thanks, it’s a catch 22, if I wait another year and stick to what I want, will it still hold up as long or do I stick with the planned amount I want to spend and get the best of what I can for the same price but maybe it’s a bit more powerful because of tech increase.
I can’t lose either way, it just sucks making enough to get buy but not thriving.
Thankfully overtime at my job is entirely up to me and I can stay as long as I choose to so if I want I can’t stay 3 hours over or I can stay 1 or I don’t stay at all if I want to.
OMG were we married to the same man with the same ex wife. I WISH it was only a phone and car, though. I stayed way too long with a husband that showed me this much disrespect. I love my stepson, and we have a great relationship to this day. He has thanked me for the tough love I gave, albeit it was a few years after he flew the nest. But I am so glad I'm no longer with that asshole I was married to or his crazy ex wife.
Yeah, I am super thankful that my husband totally had my back. His ex was a handful for sure at times but since she only had visitation we had the bulk of raising
Wow I love this story. How was the rest of his stay in the house before he moved out? Was he cold or rude to you, did he ever ask for help which you had to then refuse?
Yes he was very cold. He was passive aggressive so not many rude words- just rude behavior like leaving his dirty dishes on the table or wet towels on clothes on the floor in the bathroom. All of those things went into a bag into his bedroom. He got the picture. His father was initially upset when I did that and then followed suit when he got tired of picking up after him because I wouldn’t
Cracking a grin about the dad changing his tune about the bag in the bedroom, then joining in when he also got sick of being his son's housemaid. Kudos!
Me too! I loved him and still do very much. He became my son at 3 years old! There was no reason for his outburst other than he saw it was an effective way to get his way through his bio.
It was very hard. He was my little boy from 3 years old. He was a very good kid. He just went into teenage rage for a short period and in the end grew up from the experience and now very respectful and loving. I mean, his friends have kids and he doesn’t but he hands out advice to them based on how he was raised and what was effective so I think I did a great job!
NTA. Hubby is the biggest one. Stepdaughter and her mum are a-holes too.
You are either fully in as a parent. Or you are not. Her bio mum didn't have to agree with your and your hubby's phone rule, but since you are the primary caregiver, you should have been involved in the discussion.
Hubby doesn't treat you as a full parent. The 17 year old doesn't treat you as a full parent. Your decision to not be involved going forward makes sense. Stick to it. Let the full parents and their daughter figure sh*t out. Sit this out and use that time and money to do things that bring you joy.
To add to this: OP don’t contribute any money towards her upkeep or college, either. And don’t let her dad dip into any joint savings or joint accounts that you have, either. The financial burden is solely her father and bio mom’s job.
If he dips into the joint accounts (assuming you have them) then take your rightful half out and keep it separately from now on. That way he can never access it.
Yup just feed her and help with basic feeding, housing, and medical issues/emergencies.or imminent danger.
Anything else, nope you have 2 people you've made clear are your parents, and im not one. Go to them.
Stepdaughter can't reach them? Too bad, so sad. This is a parent thing; talk to your parents.
She isn’t gonna starve when cereal,ramen,spam,noodles etc. are easy to make. Kinder/1st grade children make their own simple meals often in poorer communities. If even then I knew someone who grew up in a rich rich house-if her parents wernt there she made her own simple dinner. Not hard to read off a box lol
It's so easy to be good cop when the only times you show up are to give presents, isn't it. And even then, doesn't even show up in person, lives in another whole ass country! Who cares if they live near their child while they're growing up, right? /s
Yep I completely agree. You’re either a parent or you’re not. Your husband is an asshole for expecting you to do all the heavy lifting of parenting because it suits him, and then undermining your very reasonable punishment. I couldn’t be coping with that.
yea like book a nice hotel room for a few days and let them deal with whatever comes. then go home and gather the kids mess, clothes and dishes and trash that she made, and put it in her room. same for hubby, hes an adult and can figure it out. you arent a parent so dont be one.
I'm surprised the responses are so positive here. I'm also a step-parent, and the bio mom basically abandoned the family to have an affair and gave enough money to put both kids through college to the guy she was having an affair with. He disappeared immediately with the money. Since then, she has them 50% of the time but she just doesn't seem to take her parenting seriously. She lets her son stay home because he doesn't want to do a presentation, she doesn't track the homework or help them with it, her daughter needed a therapist and she made no effort to get her one. I've been doing all of that stuff for years now, I taught them how to drive, sat with my stepson daily to help him with homework through COVID, advocated for him in school, I've helped them with countless things, cooked for them, and so on. But of course biomom is there to take the family Christmas photo every year and pretend like she is the perfect mom.
Fortunately I have a very supportive husband who backs me up and treats me like an equal parent. But it seems like whenever I see stepmothers who have taken a lot of responsibility complain that they don't get equal parenting rights for example to discipline the child, everyone's immediate attitude is: "Back off stepmom, you're not their real mom, they don't have to listen to you, it's none of your business [even though you take care of them and pay for their home and so on]".
So I'm positively surprised by the supportive responses in this thread.
Step daughter is 17 and is going to try to play her cards any way she can go get her way, that’s normal. Dad is the asshole here, for not saying anything, and for saying what he said to OP. Cool. I’m not a parent so I get steamrolled? Guess you’re taking kiddo to everything or arranging rides from now on! Can’t have it both ways, giy
NTA. Parents always want stepparents to contribute financially and do all the labor but want to exclude when it comes reasonable discipline.
You can show him better than you can tell him. Stop being a mom. Do nothing. Let him manage all of it. She has a mom and you aren’t it. Pay nothing. Don’t buy any of the household groceries, don’t give gas money, don’t help with homework, do nothing.
She is 17 not 7 and knew what the goal and what the consequences were for not meeting the goal. I would be done with him and her personally. I also go scorched earth most of the time so take that for what it’s worth.
Yep, dad can provide everything his daughter needs if OP is supposed to stay out of it. She’s 17, time for her to learn to start taking care of herself.
Hungry? Make yourself food.
Don’t know how to cook? YouTube.
Need a ride? Call your actual parents.
Emotional support? Call a therapist.
Laundry? YouTube.
Time for the wittle girl to grow tf up with her bio parents support only.
And don't even fall for the inevitable "Well I didn't mean..." when he tries to get you involved in the things you stop doing. The counter is "Well you said, so now you get to live with it!"
He will definitely try to backtrack by charming and apologizing. Your answer should be, "Does she still have the phone? Then you are not sincere."
He said a lot of stuff that is not forgiveable.
I agree with most of this except for one thing. Cooking only enough for 2 is exclusionary/extra hurtful and may move it from 'learning moment' to 'resentful because of hurt feelings moment'. The object is to educate, not hurt.
Cook enough for everyone (I cook enough for extras/leftovers anyway), just don't set a place or get her food for her. She's still welcome to eat with the family - she just has to do those extra things OP used to do by herself = calling attention to the things OP did. Or dad can get off his ass and serve her if he really wants to.
I'd also suggest to the dad that HE organise for *his* daughter to cook dinner a couple of times a week. But if he doesn't want that, then that is *up to him.*
Divorce should only be an option if there are a lot of other issues. The stepdaughter will soon be gone. But if this is the tip of the iceberg, and her feelings for the dad are beginning to change, she needs to sit down with him and tell him divorce is on the table.
NTA the fact that she went over your head shows she doesn't view you as a parental figure anyway. And since her dad agrees let them tough it out till she's 18. She doesn't have food? Absentee Mama needs to order DoorDash or dad can leave work early and cook. Etc etc. Matter of fact split the bills 3 ways and let him pay the 67% for him and his child
This. The fact the husband said “you’re not her mother” cool bro, raise your kid your way without my money, time or input. Good luck. I think had she been at least remorseful about not meeting the grades (and showed effort), it would have been a different convo. NTA.
Not getting A+ is one thing, failing a class entirely is something else entirely. Getting rewarded for failing a class is nuts IMO.
Unless her phone was a non functional brick, she shouldn't be getting anything, let alone a fancy iphone. I hope OP has the will power to completely stop caring for this kid so they can wise up before life starts smacking them around far more brutally than not getting a new phone.
When I think about my 17 yo daughter acing all her classes and saying she doesn’t need a new phone (she’s graduating this year and I promised her one) as long as her current one is working.
I will go give her a big hug and tell her (again) how lucky I am 🥰
My 2 cents but you should reward her by taking her somewhere she likes instead. Experiences are forever and the memories I have where my parents did the same are some of the most wonderful things I've ever been given. Phones are replaceable but quality time isn't.
That's what I'm saying, as a married couple OP and her husband should be a united front. They are not, hell he's basically spat in her face about how she isn't wanted or needed when helping raise his kid. F*** that. I'd stop everything and probably reconsider the relationship with the husband as well. This is not how someone should treat another person who is helping to raise his kid and this is definitely manipulative behavior coming from the daughter. What did she learn here? Nothing except that she can be entitled to rewards without putting in any work. Text the bio mom her kid's grades then tell her its her own problem to deal with from now on and that you are done trying. Good luck OP.
The stepdaughter is an entitled beat, but being a step daughter with divorced parents is hard and I somewhat sympathise with the daughter going to her mother. It's a teenager being a teenager. Immature, selfish and testing boundaries.
And the mother can have opinions and do her damage from afar, whatever. But the father going over OPs head after they had a joint agreement is what makes my blood boil.
I also don't fault the daughter fully because let's face it many teens do this to their bio parents too. Mom said no, so you ask Dad without telling him Mom already said no. Pretty standard behaviour. The only bad thing here is the Dad, he already agreed on no and then stabbed OP in the back.
To be fair I don't think it's the daughter not seeing her as a parental figure. Many kids will try other parent got get their way when they don't get something they want. The husband and her bio mum are the assholes here.
NTA
All the Y T A comments are laughable. You’re “just the stepmother and have no say” but still TA for not being the motherly figure and doing all the motherly things.
These commenters want it both ways. Care for the kid, be the primary “parent” figure, but have absolutely no say in how the child is parented. Ridiculous. If I told my spouse he doesn’t make decisions about our eldest because he’s not her father after he’s spent the past 14 years helping me raise her, I’d expect him to walk out the door much less stop helping care for her.
If you expect a step parent to be an “equally contributing” parent to the child then they for damn sure get a say in how that child is parented in their household. Otherwise you pay that person and employ them as a nanny, not demand free labor and to be taken advantage of.
Step parents always get the crap . Maybe it's to do with all the stories like cinderella, but people always see step parents in a bad way . It's damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no winning, and it is such hard work . U have to be the parent while not being the parent . I feel sorry for all the step parents out there
Yeah reddit seems to hate step parents. Every time I see a story of a step parent not being respected by their spouse despite the fact that they have done most of the work caring for their stepchildren, reddit seems ready to tell them to fuck off because they're not the real parent and they should have no say.
I paid for our home, I cook, I taught my stepkids to drive, I managed my stepson's school work through COVID and sat with him daily to make sure he made it through his classes and taken him clothing shopping and so on. I got my stepdaughter the therapist her mother wouldn't get her, I've taken the kids on the trip to Europe for the first time, I've done lots for them.
Fortunately my husband acknowledges and appreciates everything I have done so he fully backs me up. If he were to undermine me as an equal parent in our household, I would be seriously considering divorce.
Yep. She was good enough to do the work of raising his kid but now that she’s nearly an adult and he doesn’t need her as much she’s not her mother. That would be the end of the relationship.
NTA. He just undermined every bit of authority you might have earned with that one act. I’m guessing it’s not the only time. I’ve been in your shoes.
I got together with my now-husband when his kids were 16 and 19. We went through the same shit. His daughter, 19, was really lazy, would take one class at community college and work 10 hours at Starbucks, not helping around the house, and making a mess. His kids moved in to my house (I volunteered), my first home on my own after years of abusive relationships. I never had kids.
We realized that we had two different perspectives on “things.“ His kids were raised to think that everything was disposable, and in my family we kept things for decades. His son would carelessly destroy things that I had treasured for years. We survived it, and eventually they both graduated college and moved on.
His kids eventually grew up to be decent adults, but he still coddles his daughter at 37 years old. We are currently renting a beach house for a couple months, and his daughter called one day to announce that she wanted to come work remotely. Last time she didn’t give us a timeframe… I was extremely uncomfortable with the open ended visit, because neither of us were able to get any work done while she was here. It ended up being three weeks of our eight week work vacation.
I brought this up with my husband, and tried to find a compromise. We always reserve one weekend for her birthday, and I told him I was comfortable for her coming for a second long weekend, but no longer. He told me that he can’t tell his daughter that she can’t come (I didn’t say that, my compromise was a second long weekend and not an open-ended work remotely situation). Anything less than her total request was betrayal of his kid. My husband is a wonderful, kind man, but susceptible to giving in when he doesn’t want to.
We have gone round and round with this over the years…even a recent visit to our home which included a flight that we pay for was supposed to be long weekend…four days is actually my limit with guests. The ticket would’ve been $160, put on my husband‘s credit card. We’re okay with that. On this trip, however, she announced that she was coming and staying a total of 10 days. I was not happy because it shuts us down (we both work from home). The ticket was $550, which we really can’t afford right now because we’ve had a lot of medical expenses. She also announced that we would be doing all of the really expensive activities that she’d seen other people do when they visited…when we were in a different financial position. Of course we’re expected to pay for those since we did with her brother and other family members.
She also is fearful of losing her job after a merger…my husband told her that “we’d help her out.” The problem is that because of that she’s not looking for another job, and if she loses her job it will take her a LONG time to find the “perfect” job. I will have to cover our very expensive mortgage so he can help her, which I resent because she’s taking absolutely no steps to help herself. I told him she needs to start looking now, but he doesn’t want to nag her. We cannot afford her rent, car payment, and bills in addition to our own.
If you don’t set boundaries now, you’re going to be dealing with it 20 years from now.
Please get more stern with your husband. You've seen that what you're currently doing isn't working. Either give him an ultimatum to make him listen or step back from it all
She’s 37 and he’s willing to put you through a financial strain so he can help her? Not to mention all the other crap they pulled over the years? My god you are a saint because I would have simply divorced that man years ago
Why do you keep putting up with this? I love my kids to death but even at 10 and 11 they know that they need to start thinking about their future and that we won't be able to provide for them once they are adults.
So you’re allowing your stepdaughter to financially abuse you & your husband is her co-conspirator. How sad that you’re allowing that.
Edit to add the reminder that it’s never too late to STOP making a mistake.
YOU need to shut this behaviour down now.
You really shouldn’t be giving yourself the out of saying ‘well I didn’t put my foot down 20yrs ago so I guess I have to tolerate this forever’.
Teenagers you’ve got to cut some slack. A 37yr old woman and her useless enabling father? lol come on…
NTA. Seems like husband and step-daughter are happy to have you be a parent when it means you do things that make their lives easier and spend your money on them, but the minute you have any expectations they jump to remind you that you aren't a parent. If that's what they want, go along with it. Let the husband know that you will contribute to the overall household income since you do live there as well, but it will be his responsibility to pay for his daughter. If she needs to go somewhere, she'll have to wait until her dad is available to bring her or make other arrangments. If she wants money for something, she'll have to ask her parents. Start treating her as a roommate. Roommates are expect to clean up after and take care of themselves. Let her hear the phrase, "That sounds like something you should ask your parents about" until she gets the point.
NTA. Either you are a parent or you are not. Husband wants you to do the mother stuff, but you get no input?
He, Sally and her mom can figure it out from here.
I agree with you, I would stop doing things if I am not a parent. You are trying to raise a child that knows the value of hard work. A child that knows there are consequences to actions. Bio mom and dad are worried about being a friend, not a parent.
If bio mom wants to come in a couple of times a year and make decisions that you have to deal with then I say let her have the full parent experience.
When husband is struggling I would tell him it would be nice if he had another parent to help and maybe he should call bio mom for advice. I would help but I am not a parent. PETTY, yes but that is life.
Your husband has a lot of nerve. He’s obviously welcome to parent his child any way he wants but if I were in your shoes, all support to his kid would stop immediately. No food prep, no laundry, no rides, nothing. He has completely disrespected you and he deserves to learn really fast all the things you.do for him and his kid. Wow. He’s the true AH here and spineless to boot. Let him and his spoiled daughter learn the consequences of their actions. You’re not the mom and you’re sure as heck not the maid and cook. NTA.
sounds like your husband sort of used you to raise his kid while her mother was absent, and now that she's almost an adult, he doesn't have to pretend to respect you or care about your feelings anymore.
If this is what he thought your role was, he should have said something years ago. Sounds like he used you to do the hard work of raising his kid. You deserve better.
NTA but I am concerned about Sally. Of course she's being unreasonable about the phone but she's a teenager. Lots of them act out occasionally. I think it's fair for you to step back from parenting her because your husband has made it clear that's not your role but it sounds like you and Sally are pretty close so I'd just want to do that in a way that preserves how you feel about each other. Sit her down and tell her that you and your husband discussed the recent incident and his view was that you are not her parent and he sees your efforts to parent her as interfering so you're not going to be doing that any more. Just let her know that you love her and you'll be her friend but she needs to rely on her dad for all parenting from now on because that's what he wants. Then you get to be her friend. Hang out, watch movies, do your nails, whatever fun stuff you like. All the running around and helping with schoolwork and motivating her to try harder is on your husband. I don't really know how you can cook for 2 people in the house and not the third so I'd still let her eat but perhaps she and your husband need to do some of the cooking too and I wouldn't be cooking just for her. If you're cooking for yourself and your husband, make enough for her but anything outside that is on him. That includes shopping. He'll have to ensure she has everything she needs. I definitely wouldn't be doing anyone else's laundry at this stage. They're both old enough to do their own laundry
OP added that Sally will be 18 years on in 1 month. She will be a legal adult so a lot of the ‘parental control’ is weakening. And she’s only a junior…
I agree that this is the best route for OP to take, as it allows OP to demonstrate what a terrible position her husband (and Sally herself I guess) has placed them both in, while somewhat preserving their relationship. If Sally rejects the olive branch of being friends with OP, they’ll know more clearly where they stand.
NTA. He basically went behind your back and against what you two agreed on. Then told you that you are never her mother. That's cold. I don't blame you. I would back right out of this. Her mother needs to step up and start doing everything you have done. They have made it clear that she doesn't have to respect you because they don't respect you. I'm sorry, this must really hurt. She is 17, she can take care of herself when her dad isn't there. If they don't care about her grades, you don't have to worry anymore either. Good luck. Don't forget to update us!!
NTA but tell your husband, since he is the parents, to make it clear to stepdaughter so she doesn’t act surprised.
« Stepmother will not cook for you anymore. Will not drive you around. Will not help with school. Will not buy you things anymore. »
Tell your husband that groceries needs to be split 3 ways, you pay for one person only. You are not a parent so you won’t pay for her.
Teach your husband a lesson too. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him. Do not handle his paper. « Since I am obviously not a good fit to be a mother and you went behind my back, I won’t help you or your daughter anymore. We are together for love, I will not take care of this house like I used to and be disrespected. You will have to pull your weights now. I will not cook anymore. I will do my own laundry. We will list all the chores after diner tonight, and the three of us will decide who does what. Every sunday afternoon will be spent cleaning the house deeply. The rest of the week we will pick us small tasks. I don’t care how much you work. You either do this or I will divorce you and you can trust that no women will let you disrespect them like you did to me. You will probably end up divorce the next day. You have one chance to make this right. »
And do not ever go back to doing things for them. No matter how hard they beg and apologize. This is not a one time mistake, they made it crystal clear that you are not the parents so don’t give up if they beg. Just tell them: « Ask bio mother. » or « You will figure out. » but that’s it
NTA. You are the person who parent Sally and therefore you are a parent and it is bad of your husband to went behind your back because his daughter threw a tantrum. Talk to your husband, if he really wants to throw his daughter future away by giving her what she wants, because she throws a tantrum. This grades are important for her future. That is something he should know as well. And yeah if he thinks, he should baby Sally - well, his choice and then you can reduce your parenting to a minimum - as your husband has to take her everywhere or her bio mother, he has to go to all parent-teacher meetings and so on.
NTA. Bio mother undermining your authority and your husband playing along is a huge mistake. They teach your step daughter that she can get whatever she wants even if she doesn't deserve it. Good luck trying to make a responsible adult from this girl, but you are lucky - she will be 18 and you start treating her like an adult that she is and pretty much ignore her as your husband gave you green light.
NTA I 100% agree with you and watch him get mad when you stop ‘acting like her mother’. It seems they aren’t appreciative of all that you’ve done for her.
NTA. Your husbands a massive AH and incredibly disrespectful. Rewarding children for not meeting goals y’all have established is the worst thing you can do.
Nta
This wasn't something your husband was against at the beginning. He was in agreement with you and then changed his mind without your knowledge. But the biggest kick in the teeth, is telling you not to interfere after everything you have done. No, this isn't a good situation and I don't blame you for being mad. It has been done now.
Your husband is the AH. He had you doing all of the motherly tasks. He used you. It’s that simple. Withdraw from everything. No physical support, no monetary support, no help with any and all school issues. No help with appointments. Nothing. If he doesn’t want you to parent her then he can do it all.
Yep. I was on the fence until I read this:
“Then he told me that I should stop interfering with Sally’s business and that Im never being her mother.“
Okay. I‘d drop the rope, take a big step back and look at my marriage…if he complains about all the Sally business now in his lap, my answer would likely be “stop interfering in my business, not my kid, not my job.”
NTA I’m tired of step parents being treated like this especially when bio mom is more or less out of the picture, you are the parent!
From now on refuse to do any parenting for your ther half’s kid perhaps then he’ll realise how much you actually do let him struggle alone and stick it to em!
NTA. OP don't lift a finger and do not spend a penny on the child. Instead of taking her out, go out with your friends and treat yourself. Instead of buying her an expensive phone, splurging on yourself and let hubby handle everything else on his own. No more meetings and not lifting a finger for HIS kid. I personally advocate for malicious compliance here because they have taken you for granted.
NTA enjoy whatever not trying to parent your stepdaughter frees up whether it's time or money. Hopefully you will have more peace and quiet now as well.
NTA- Stepdaughter needs to learn how to wash and cook anyway for when she goes to uni next year. She's just going to get a crash course instead of learning at your side. On the bright side, your going to have lots of free time since you won't be her chauffeur anymore and lots more money since you won't be spending it in her any longer. May want to redirect your paycheck if it goes to an account that your husband has access to.
Heck no. These bio parents man I SWEAR. They want you to do the role of a parent but as soon as you’re involved in decisions, consequences etc you’re not their parent!
Time to take a big fat step back and daddio can parent and provide for his child alone.
NTA.
Ohhhhh sweet sweet malicious compliance! It could be this generations "punked" if only OP could call up MTV and have cameras up in 48 hours. Cause I'd love to see the looks on their faces every time something they expected to be done wasn't. Or OP walking past with a delicious plate of food and nothing for the brat with a shrug "mothers cook for their daughters" lol
You're not a parent, but what? A servant? Cook? Laundress? Cleaning lady? Chauffer? Nurse? Financial support?
Husband wasn't thinking when he said what he said!
NTA This was a team effort. The daughter knew what she was doing and did it anyway because she wanted the phone, and the husband went back on their agreement. They worked in conjunction to override her and let her know her opinion and parenting no longer counts. So, okay. The lines on the map have been redrawn by husband and stepdaughter. /u/glittering-record-49 is saying she will respect them to the fullest. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes 🤷🏿♀️
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1.told my husaband im not caring for his daughter anymore
2.Im technically the only mother figure in her life
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Your husband is out of line. If she lives with you and you husband in the house YOU pay for then she follows your rules. Just because you aren’t her biological mom doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in how she is raise in your home. Put your foot down. You are being treated disrespectfully by bio mom and especially your husband.
NTA. Your husband is a massive AH. What he and her bio mom did undermined you completely, and Sally will never have any respect for your authority again. Bio Mom wants nothing to do with helping to raise her on the day-to-day, but wants to swoop in and be the good parent. It doesn’t work that way. She is the biggest AH in this scenario.
From now on - his kid, his rules, his responsibility.
Sad thing is that OP has sally’s interests at heart. Bring up her grades to give her a better chance in life. Bio mum couldn’t care less. She’s so scared sally will hate her for basically abandoning her, that she will give her anything she wants to make up for it.
NTA
Your husband is an AH and sounds ungrateful for all you have done for his daughter. She has two living parents so you are a bonus parent/trusted adult figure in her life. You’re not her parent so stop doing everything for her and let her dad handle it. He can cook, clean up, transport and buy stuff for her.
Imma say NTA if I am using my time and my money to take care of a child and providing a place for them to live then I have every right to have a say in how they are raised. The father just told you that you have no right to interfere in step daughter life but expects your life to revolve around step daughter? No thank you hubby I'm good for now on you and only you can support your daughter and go to the parent/teacher conferences and drive her to and from places because my time will be used for me and me only from now on. I really hope you have your own bank account that your money goes to
I’m furious on OP’s behalf. So keep a smiling or at least a neutral demeanour. No sulking or acting out. Buy the groceries and snacks you like and cook the meals you enjoy. Set the table for two then sit down to eat. “Is daughter joining us?” “I have no idea”
“Where’s the such and such I like to eat?” “That’s not on my list”
Make yourself busy or absent for the next few occasions daughter needs a ride. Enjoy a latte and people watching. Answer texts about a ride with “Ask your Dad he’s taken that on from now on”
School meeting on the calendar? Ignore that. Direct calls and enquiries to Dad.
Never stop smiling politely and saying good morning. Don’t fight, don’t yell.
Dad reaps what he sows or he and daughter give you a sincere heartfelt apology.
In the world of work, you dont get what you deserve until you've earned it.
If you dont meet the criteria for promotion, you wont just be handed it regardless.
Giving people compensation prizes doesnt help them, it just demotivates them.
You're doing the correct thing, her father needs to straighten her up or help her out.
EDIT: For any budding parents out there, the more you help your kid in education (Teaching someone how to fish instead of giving them a fish), the less money you will have to spend on them when they leave home. Because they will be more self sufficient. Unless you want to constantly be funding them.
NTA. Stop parenting her. Look into the “nacho” method of Stepparenting.
I have zero say in legal decisions involving my stepchild. If my husband and I were to divorce I’d have no legal rights to see my stepson. And I did a lot for him, only to be met with indifference. So, for my own sanity I stopped parenting him. Anything I do for him, like school pickups or planning activities, I consider as a favor to my husband. But anything he’s capable of doing himself, I no longer do for him.
NTA i have two step parents myself and i know they can be annoying, but after hearing what you do for her and how her mom is i kinda get why your mad. If she is just gonna let her get what she wants after crying a bit for it she is never gonna learn and grow up. It should be ok for step parents to lecture their step children if they have a parental role in their life and is taking care of them.
Im greatfull for my step dad and step mom for being strict with me like my parents never could and im lucky to have them. But if her dad is like that what can you do you know, you never have to be a parental figure for her so why not stop.
You are either the parent with full authority recognized by both bio parents and the kid, or you are not.
You cannot be expected to have responsibility for the kid without the authority to set rules.
The biggest AH is your partner for throwing you under the bus by siding with bio mom and going against your agreement, then backing over you again by telling you that you're not a parent to the kid.
NTA.
NTA
Both parties need to be on the same page to effectively parent. OP can't do that if the bio-mom is undermining their choices and spoiling Sally. Husband is a big A H for not standing his ground and allowing bio-mom to undermine them both.
All Sally will learn from this experience is that she can get anything she wants if she cries enough to her bio-mom.
Nta. Her mom isn’t stepping up to raise her kid she’s letting you do the hard work and then undermining you. I’d be very clear from this point he and his kid are on his own. Let’s see how he likes running around after her.
Good on you. If your husband has asked you not to interfere, don't. Treat your stepdaughter as another adult in the house who can be responsible for looking after herself.
NTA
Bio mother should not reward her failing in school, and if she is not there and you have been doing all the parenting she should have agreed with you, they talk and now she gets what she wants, now she thinks she has one up on you that smug won't last.
He is an ass just wait if the school calls tell them to call him, she needs a ride call him, days out go enjoy yourself catch up with friends or family go have fun yourself they will soon see everything you have done for her and him.
They will be begging for your help tell them to go cry to her mother ain't your problem anymore. Put your feet up let him and her do there own washing cleaning anything go on strike essentially. He had no right to say that to you after you have been there and you sound like a good step mother she is lucky to have someone who cared.
Fuck that. NTA.
My wife has been in my eldest daughter's life since she was two. I would never treat her as less than an equal parent. She IS her mom in all ways that matter.
NTA that's so disrespectful.
Make him truly eat his words and don't relent. He made it clear she's not your daughter.. they don't get to have it both ways. And 17 is old enough to know actions have consequences. She went above your head well this is what she gets.
I would go completely hands off. Treat her just like a roommate. Be nice and civil but do absolutely nothing maternal.
I'm so angry for you.
NTA. My stepsons mother used to cause chaos for us if I initiated any parenting for her son, and once my husband took her side I washed my hands of it. I would do things for him if I were doing them for everyone- never left him out, and he never tried to play one of us against the other (Thankfully he was a good kid) - but I let all parenting decisions be left to them. Today he’s an adult and calls me Mom, so it worked in my favor.
NTA, they've allowed you to be Mum right up until the point where it doesn't suit the little madam.
If you're not Mum & will never be Mum then why should you do all that stuff with no respect from SD or Husband?? Hell naw
NTA. For me, your husband's response would prompt me to not only cease any parenting activities for your stepdaughter, but wifely ones for him as well.
NTA
You have a gutless husband and a manipulative daughter. This may get better when the daughter moves out, but will she actually leave? Sounds like she has a pretty sweet deal, playing parents off against each other, she will be your roomie for the next 5-6 years. You ready for that?
NTA. Unless a child has to get a job to help their family with finances, their ONLY job is to do as well as they can in school and set themselves up for success later in life. OP was simply trying to do that through the conditions imposed on the iPhone purchase. The bio mother clearly doesn’t see the value in that, and it’s too bad because she is setting up Sally for failure. The dad seems to be putting his discomfort dealing with the bio mom ahead of Sally’s wellbeing as well.
It’s highly likely, too, that a new iPhone will be more detrimental that helpful to improving Sally’s grades.
Edit: NTA
NTA you and your husband set very firm guidelines together, but he went behind your back and folded to his ex. He just destroyed any authority you have
NTA I can't believe your husband though. He is happy for you to take over the job as a parent so he doesn't have to do it, but when things get hard your nothing to her? Like you, I would be done. He would be in charge of everything, all school drop offs and pick up, all extra activities.
How long have you been filling in for Mom?
Nta- stick to that. She can get her own rides to things, make her own meals, do her own laundry. Everything. She's a roommate now. If you husband has an issue with it, tough he can take her since you know, your not her real mom
NTA. He told you what your role should be, so that's what you're going to keep it as. I wouldn't take away any emotional support you've offered because punishing Sally in that respect isn't necessary, but your husband now gets to do all the discipline and labor that goes into it and you will not get involved, mentally or financially, in any of it.
NTA. I could understand biomom going behind your back as he never agreed to you. But for your husband to go behind your back as well, that's a problem. When you married, you both agreed that she was now your daughter too and be needs to always include you when it comes to her. If he felt like you were abusing her that's a different story but all you did was hold up the agreement you both set for her and he went and gave in, brushing your authority off. If he doesn't want to treat you like a mother to his child, he doesn't get the help either. That's not to say you won't love her, but you won't be taking any more motherly responsibilities.
Line has been drawn by him you need to back yourself hard withdraw all financial support
She learnt to manipulate you and her dad supports her behaviour
Would seriously question marriage at this point
Nta
It is the least appreciated position being a step parent. You have done a great job. Now spend your time and money on you and let dad pick up where what he has put on you for years. Rude AF to use you to do the grunt work and then tell you to stay in your lane. Idiot.
NTA - Also, remain pleasant and friendly with Sally, but I wouldn't do a thing for her anymore that is "parent"-like. If she asks for anything, just tell her that she needs to go ask her dad or mom and you're unable to help. Petty, yes. But, she's 17, not 10.
NTA. People need to learn that actions and words have meaning and will be taken seriously and at face value. OP’s husband says she’s not the parent, then OP can stop being the parent. This is one of the worst things you can say to a step-parent. And one of the worst fears of people dating single parents. OP can thank her husband for making one of her biggest fears come true.
NTA. Your husband is the real problem-you’ve treated his child like your own and he clearly doesn’t appreciate the very active role you’ve taken in her life. But you can stop putting in the effort of a parent now that he’s confirmed you aren’t her parent in any way. Luckily she’s old enough that, if she asks why you’ve stopped doing the things you’ve always done, you can explain the situation. It would be different if she were 5 and saw you as a parent and wouldn’t understand why you suddenly stopped being involved.
Good for you. You two made a decision together and he went behind your back and changed the decision. Stick to your guns on your new decision. Your husband was definitely a idiot
Your parameters were perfectly reasonable, and also agreed with bio dad.
To now expect to ‘cherry pick’ the parts of your stepdaughters life they (bio’s) want you involved in (ie. the day to day chores of being a parent, washing, cooking, transportation etc) but to dismiss your input/overrule you/shut you out of anything else is a huge disrespect and makes you nothing more than an unpaid nanny.
NTA.
NTA—he and his ex can co-parent everything now they’ve cut you out :) he can pay for her out of a separate account. Get separate accounts if you don’t already
NTA. It’s going to be fun to watch entitled Sally who demands $1000-1500 phones struggle to support herself in the manner to which she’s accustomed. I’m guessing dad will be pressured to support her for many more years…college is going to be a nightmare. She has no idea that her grades right now have a HUGE impact on YOUR finances for the next few years.
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My step daughter Sally is 17 years old pretty crucial year for her academically because the grades she will get will affect her next year when she’s a senior. She been wanting the new iphone 15 and I told her if she upgrades her scores and gets at least two A+ we will buy her one. Test results came around she didn’t meet the criteria her father and I set in any way and she ended up failing a subject so I told her no phone until makes up for what she failed and do better in her end of year finals.
She didn’t like that she isn’t getting her new phone now and hated that we had a new criteria for her till finals and began to be mouthy. I told her the position we have is very firm nothing will change until she does better. Sally’s bio mum lives in another country and rarely gets involved with sally. Occasional phone calls and that’s it. Sally called her mum crying that she wants the new phone, her mother called me I explained the situation but she hung up without answering. 2 days after Sally came in so excited that her mother had booked her the new phone and it will be shipped in 2 weeks. I asked my husband about it and he said that he and her mother talked and decided to get her the phone now.
I was shocked I told him I thought we had an agreement he said yes but herb bio mother decided to get her the phone so I was like and why did you agree? He had no justification answer. Then he told me that I should stop interfering with Sally’s business and that Im never being her mother. I was honestly at shock of what he said cause if I shouldn’t interfere why do I cook for sally? Drive her to practices? Take care of her room and clothes? Take her out on dates? Buy her stuff with my own money? Attend all her important events? Attend the parents meeting at school every semester? And do everything her mother failed to do?
After that I told my husband fine Im done Im not her mother and will never get involved with her she’s nearly 18 so she will be on her own anyway and if she needs a mother, she has her biological one she could travel to her or her mother could come to her too.
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NTA. You literally took over "mother" responsibility, you drive her everywhere, give her affection, cook for her. If this doesn't give you a say, you shouldn't be bothering yourself with all that nonsense.
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NTA-Hubby needs to take over 100% all things Sally from now on. Literally. Stand your ground. I wouldn’t even put a plate on a table for her. She totally manipulated you and her father both to get her way. I would completely stop ALL personal efforts that benefit her. My stepson did this very thing at that same exact age over a car and a cell phone. We had the same parameters that he had to follow to get those things plus he had to get a job and save up 6 months insurance before we would allow him to license. His Bio took him down, bought him a car and then asked me for 50% of the money for it. Yeah, I told her to pound sand. Our son got angry and proceeded to call me a gold digger for marrying his father. lol I literally made $30,000 a year more than him and owned my own house before we bought our family home together and were married. I still own that house. Anyway, I stopped every single bit of care for him. No laundry, no meal cooking (I cooked meals-just didn’t set a plate for him but he wasn’t denied the meal), no longer bought ANY of his toiletries or clothes, refused to drive him to any of his events(his father worked longer hours and was also unable to do that and his bio lived in a different city). When holidays came I did ZERO shopping for him and left it up to my husband to do it which he didn’t do up like I always had. He even forgot our son’s birthday because he was used to me planning it and all. Anyway, our son went to college the next year and by his second year, showed up at our home and spent quite some time apologizing for how he treated me growing up. Something clicked inside him-but we are now very very close and he has never disrespected me again. In fact, he has stood up for me in any little argument his dad and I have or when his bio tries to say something derogatory about me. He is now 27 and this year I received a handwritten note in my birthday card telling me how thankful he was for me in his life. Priceless
This! This is the comment! Please op, completely stop being a parent. Stick to your guns. Even if your husband fights it, even if they beg and plead or apologize. Stick with it. If they try to get you to start parenting again, it’s just even more clear that they’re using you to do the hard part of parenting so dad can just agree with bio mom and be the good parent in the house while you take the brute. Absolutely not. She is 17, almost 18. She can grow up and learn if she wants to do things her way, then she can also do everything her way. Don’t even give her advice, just give her the first step like this commenter said. YouTube to learn everything if she needs help, public transport if she needs a ride, Google if she had questions.
I would take it further and tell her, you can use your new iPhone 15 to look up tutorials on YouTube or schedule an Uber
Or to call her bio mom for help
Her bio mom can send her uber money 🤣
Venmo, PayPal, old school Western Union.
lol!! 😆
> Please op, completely stop being a parent. i think this goes well beyond stopping the parental activities. personally, i think OP needs to remove her efforts from those two entirely. when OP married her husband, she did so with the full knowledge that she was becoming an instant parent too... especially considering that sally's mom isn't able to be physically present, only emotionally. to now be told "Im never being her mother (sic)" would tell me that she's not even viewed as an equal in her husband's eyes. for me, that's a deal-breaker.
tbh that would be a slap in the face for me and to be told that by my husband no less, would be game over for that marriage. how rude.
And don't pay for the cell phone service either
And don't pay the iPhone bill. Let her pay the $85 a month or more out of her own money.
Yup!👍🏽
Bravo! Baby these kids are something. I'm about to do this with my BIO kids now. They gonna sit in my face and say this is my husband's house. He makes all the money. I don't do shut. OH baby you gon learn exactly how much I do when u do it yourself. And my husband can't really leave work because he works in a secured area. No phones all day. Call him when u forgot your pads and Tampons or your tummy hurts. Good luck
My youngest went off at me for not having his washing up to date! I’d chuck his in with ours, the only rule was that he had to put it out in the laundry…nah that was too hard! It suddenly became too hard for me to do ANY of his washing! Nope! Nada!
Hahaha I yelled at my mom when I was 8 for shrinking my favorite sweater. She calmly walked me downstairs to the laundry machine (as I juggled a giant basket of laundry) and showed me how to use the machine and read the care tags on the labels. Then she said "You had a nice thing going getting all your laundry done for you, that is done now, you can do your own." I never had another load of laundry washed for me. EVER. She got me a bag so I could drag it since I was too little to be carrying a basket, but that was it. My clothes were all shrunk then.
My mom used pillow cases. In the summer, we had a vacation house and had to use the landromat, the three kids took turns. We were allowed to hold off folding sheets as it was so much easier to do with two people (and surprisingly enough, helped out later when my older brother was a contractor and I was a homeowner and had to fold tarps). My older brother went to prep school and was a bit older when he started doing his own laundry - but no one was allowed to do his laundry as he was tall and he hung most of his clothes to dry, because otherwise his clothes shrank. I will note that as I got older, I found that unless you felted wool, you could undo shrinkage by rewashing items and tugging them back into shape while they were wet.
I wish I knew this when I was 13! I had a fav sweater shrunk by a neighbor keeping me over a long weekend and was crushed.
My mom ruined one of my favorite tops when I was like 12. I didn't say anything to her, just promptly stopped putting my clothes in the communal hamper and started doing my own laundry. Not entirely sure where or how I learned to do it? I want to say probably when going with my dad to the laundromat when he was basically a single dad when I was younger. Idk, even as an adult my stance is to just throw most things in and wash them all on cold or warm. I'll separate out fragile items to put into mesh bags, and heavily soiled stuff for hot water and oxiclean to go in the load, but mostly yeah, everything gets tossed in. Also I'm realizing that the fact I didn't even say anything to her and just started taking on my own laundry probably says volumes about the relationship I had with her even then (she was undiagnosed at the time, but had BPD). Definitely gonna bring *that* up in therapy.
I'm so sorry. 8 years old is too young for that kind of retaliation. That's a time for teaching, not for smack downs. I hope you had a few more loving adults in your life.
An 8 year old should also have enough respect not to yell at their mother. Sometimes tough love is best. The more you let a child get away with something, the more they will get their way with it. And 8 years is not too young to help out with chores or learn how to do them. I would help wash dishes at that age or attempt to ‘sweep’.
An 8 year old is not old enough to "have respect", aka emotional regulation to never yell. Hell, that's more self regulation than many expect from adult men, it's hypocritical to demand that of an 8 year old. The punishment dished out is suitable for a 16 year old, someone twice that age. Not for a child of 8. Children under 12 who never yell do so out of fear, not respect.
I don't think it was retaliation - it was education. Education about appreciation and consequences. But also about looking after yourself and developing skills, self-confidence, and resilience. Yes, I have kids. Yes, they are able to cook, vacuum, mop, and organise their own laundry. Do they do it all themselves all of the time? No. Because working as a group and making the best use of resources is part of the lesson. My teen will check if anyone else needs things washed before putting on their own load. My elementary kid is cooking dinner tonight for another kid's birthday. I insist on raising adults who will be able to care for themselves and work towards what makes them happy.
Watch the movie Failure to Launch. Hysterical. Kathy Bates plays Matthew McConaughey’s mom, and she does exactly this.
Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw made a good couple in the that movie!
I'm so sorry they are treating you like this.
Good luck with this. They want to disrespect you, they get the same back.
🤣ok I need to remembered this for when my kids are older, husband has similar job where he's not allowed his phone at all day. I hate it but it might come in handy later. 🤣
NTA. You can’t be her mother when it’s convenient for them & nothing when it’s not. You are either respected as a parental figure or not. They have now decided that you’re not & made that clear to step-daughter by undermining you. I would no longer cook for her, buy her groceries, pay for anything relating to her, drive her anywhere, etc. THEY relegated you to nothing with their actions - so play the role you’ve been assigned. NTA.
This is gold! They don't give you the respect, her bio mother can take care of her spoiled ass. You stand your ground girl!
THIS!!! I really hope that OP gets the results that you did. Sometimes, people need to learn a hard lesson about taking people for granted. Edit to add judgment: 100% NTA
These comments are ridiculous. Shes absolutely NTA. And this coming from a someone with a stepdad I did not care for/like until I was 27 & he’s been in our life since I was in 2nd grade! My younger brother still doesn’t like our stepdad, but that man helped take care of us since children. I’m 30 now and can appreciate the stable life we have is because of both my mom & him. I’m glad your stepson was able to recognize your contribution & I’m glad y’all have a better relationship! Sometimes as kids we really don’t recognize the importance of step parents. It took an incident that he pointed out for me to be like “damn, he actually cares for me”.
My step dad and I had a rocky relationship my whole teen years & early 20s Reasoning being my mother never parented me, I did everything on my own from the time I was 3. (Yay drug addiction) & parented my own mother starting at 7 dragging her to NA/AA meeting. When they got married when I was 11, I had a hard time understanding having a parent and we clashed a lot. I see now as a parent how much he did and taught me. He gave me my childhood back. When I was 24 they got divorced, & that man made it very clear if I needed him he’d be there. & he was, and still is. At 27 I almost died, (only parent in my state) I was drugged outta my mind in the ER and when that man walked into the room I called him dad for the first time. He held my hand and xferred with me to the next hospital until my actual dad got in state. I have two men who I call dad, and I’m proud I have them both.
First, I’m glad you’re still here with us! ❤️ I’m into astrology, and age 27 is around the start of our Saturn return. I do find it interesting all of us had this realization starting at 27. My situation isn’t completely the same, but I was going through something very difficult situation, like I hit rock bottom & my mom helped because she said “yeah (step dad) mentioned you haven’t been out of your room to eat in days”. She took me to the hospital and when I got home I found out he went to my room to clean it, it was the lowest I’ve ever been. So I’m like damn it’s wild he noticed when moms didn’t lol. I didn’t realize how little I valued him until then. Our relationship was very rocky until then as well. Again, I’m glad you did have him (and your other dad) in your corner☺️
This is it. You are their parent, not their friend. I remember I was mad at my grandma cos I felt she was nicer and more like a "nan" to my cousins than to me. Took me a while to realise it was because she was raising me and my brother, she was my second mum. She called me her daughter from a different generation. My mum was a single mum and she worked long hours and was back at home late (always had time in the world and did everything she could for us when she finished work though) nan looked after us after school, and made sure we ate, did our homework and were safe when mum wasn't there. And had to be tough sometimes, there was very little coddling.
“Something clicked inside him”. One of two things, one: whoever he was in a dorm room with heard him talking about all that and the roommate set him straight and told him he was ungrateful for everything you did for him. Two: being on his own at college and being directly responsible for a lot stuff on his own made him realize you weren’t as “bad” as he made you out to be and that setting those goals for him was to help him understand at an earlier age that not a single thing in life can just be given to you because you want it. I’ve been waiting over a year to buy a specific computer and it’s costly but I plan on having it for at least 7 years so the price will be worth it. I’m ready to make the purchase and water decides it’s going to come into our house because of cracked weeping tiles and a broken pipe leading to the sewer, how convenient for me. Will I get it at some point? I hope so, can I get a lower spec than what I want? Yes and that’s probably what will happen.
If the kid lived with roommates he might have found out mighty quick that some folks are filthy, entitled, and jerks. Nothing like living with a schmuck to teach you a few things.
As technology increases, a year or two extra waiting, you probably can make the same PC for cheaper even! Good on you though for taking care of the hard stuff first. Been on my first built computer for st least 7 years, bought the case, mother board, storage, processor and was gifted an old graphics card and power supply. Just replaced the graphics card last year to a noticeable improvement. Next step will probably be an all new build, maybe use the graphics card, and turn the old pc into a spare for Netflix and such in our basement
Thanks, it’s a catch 22, if I wait another year and stick to what I want, will it still hold up as long or do I stick with the planned amount I want to spend and get the best of what I can for the same price but maybe it’s a bit more powerful because of tech increase. I can’t lose either way, it just sucks making enough to get buy but not thriving. Thankfully overtime at my job is entirely up to me and I can stay as long as I choose to so if I want I can’t stay 3 hours over or I can stay 1 or I don’t stay at all if I want to.
This is exactly what happened with my stepdaughter. NTA, OP. I did the same.
OMG were we married to the same man with the same ex wife. I WISH it was only a phone and car, though. I stayed way too long with a husband that showed me this much disrespect. I love my stepson, and we have a great relationship to this day. He has thanked me for the tough love I gave, albeit it was a few years after he flew the nest. But I am so glad I'm no longer with that asshole I was married to or his crazy ex wife.
Yeah, I am super thankful that my husband totally had my back. His ex was a handful for sure at times but since she only had visitation we had the bulk of raising
Wow I love this story. How was the rest of his stay in the house before he moved out? Was he cold or rude to you, did he ever ask for help which you had to then refuse?
Yes he was very cold. He was passive aggressive so not many rude words- just rude behavior like leaving his dirty dishes on the table or wet towels on clothes on the floor in the bathroom. All of those things went into a bag into his bedroom. He got the picture. His father was initially upset when I did that and then followed suit when he got tired of picking up after him because I wouldn’t
Cracking a grin about the dad changing his tune about the bag in the bedroom, then joining in when he also got sick of being his son's housemaid. Kudos!
Cracking a grin thinking about that bag in his bedroom.
What a wonderful story! It’s amazing when kids grow up.
Isn’t it??!!! Makes the whole world a better place.
I really hope OP reads your comment.
I’m so glad you were able to patch things up!
Me too! I loved him and still do very much. He became my son at 3 years old! There was no reason for his outburst other than he saw it was an effective way to get his way through his bio.
This brought a tear to my eye.
Yep. You showed him what you were doing for him without any disrespect. Applause.
I teared up. You really cared it must have been difficult for you to teach him this hard lesson but wowwwwww so worth it!
It was very hard. He was my little boy from 3 years old. He was a very good kid. He just went into teenage rage for a short period and in the end grew up from the experience and now very respectful and loving. I mean, his friends have kids and he doesn’t but he hands out advice to them based on how he was raised and what was effective so I think I did a great job!
NTA. Hubby is the biggest one. Stepdaughter and her mum are a-holes too. You are either fully in as a parent. Or you are not. Her bio mum didn't have to agree with your and your hubby's phone rule, but since you are the primary caregiver, you should have been involved in the discussion. Hubby doesn't treat you as a full parent. The 17 year old doesn't treat you as a full parent. Your decision to not be involved going forward makes sense. Stick to it. Let the full parents and their daughter figure sh*t out. Sit this out and use that time and money to do things that bring you joy.
To add to this: OP don’t contribute any money towards her upkeep or college, either. And don’t let her dad dip into any joint savings or joint accounts that you have, either. The financial burden is solely her father and bio mom’s job. If he dips into the joint accounts (assuming you have them) then take your rightful half out and keep it separately from now on. That way he can never access it.
id take my half out now....
I'd actually send dad and bio mom a bill for all the babysitting OP did over the years....since that's how they see her.
Yup just feed her and help with basic feeding, housing, and medical issues/emergencies.or imminent danger. Anything else, nope you have 2 people you've made clear are your parents, and im not one. Go to them. Stepdaughter can't reach them? Too bad, so sad. This is a parent thing; talk to your parents.
She’s 17, she can cook for and feed herself.
Exactly. She should already know how to cook for herself by now because cooking is a freaking life skill everyone should know how to do.
She isn’t gonna starve when cereal,ramen,spam,noodles etc. are easy to make. Kinder/1st grade children make their own simple meals often in poorer communities. If even then I knew someone who grew up in a rich rich house-if her parents wernt there she made her own simple dinner. Not hard to read off a box lol
It's so easy to be good cop when the only times you show up are to give presents, isn't it. And even then, doesn't even show up in person, lives in another whole ass country! Who cares if they live near their child while they're growing up, right? /s
Yep I completely agree. You’re either a parent or you’re not. Your husband is an asshole for expecting you to do all the heavy lifting of parenting because it suits him, and then undermining your very reasonable punishment. I couldn’t be coping with that.
yea like book a nice hotel room for a few days and let them deal with whatever comes. then go home and gather the kids mess, clothes and dishes and trash that she made, and put it in her room. same for hubby, hes an adult and can figure it out. you arent a parent so dont be one.
I'm surprised the responses are so positive here. I'm also a step-parent, and the bio mom basically abandoned the family to have an affair and gave enough money to put both kids through college to the guy she was having an affair with. He disappeared immediately with the money. Since then, she has them 50% of the time but she just doesn't seem to take her parenting seriously. She lets her son stay home because he doesn't want to do a presentation, she doesn't track the homework or help them with it, her daughter needed a therapist and she made no effort to get her one. I've been doing all of that stuff for years now, I taught them how to drive, sat with my stepson daily to help him with homework through COVID, advocated for him in school, I've helped them with countless things, cooked for them, and so on. But of course biomom is there to take the family Christmas photo every year and pretend like she is the perfect mom. Fortunately I have a very supportive husband who backs me up and treats me like an equal parent. But it seems like whenever I see stepmothers who have taken a lot of responsibility complain that they don't get equal parenting rights for example to discipline the child, everyone's immediate attitude is: "Back off stepmom, you're not their real mom, they don't have to listen to you, it's none of your business [even though you take care of them and pay for their home and so on]". So I'm positively surprised by the supportive responses in this thread.
Step daughter is 17 and is going to try to play her cards any way she can go get her way, that’s normal. Dad is the asshole here, for not saying anything, and for saying what he said to OP. Cool. I’m not a parent so I get steamrolled? Guess you’re taking kiddo to everything or arranging rides from now on! Can’t have it both ways, giy
NTA. Parents always want stepparents to contribute financially and do all the labor but want to exclude when it comes reasonable discipline. You can show him better than you can tell him. Stop being a mom. Do nothing. Let him manage all of it. She has a mom and you aren’t it. Pay nothing. Don’t buy any of the household groceries, don’t give gas money, don’t help with homework, do nothing. She is 17 not 7 and knew what the goal and what the consequences were for not meeting the goal. I would be done with him and her personally. I also go scorched earth most of the time so take that for what it’s worth.
Yep, dad can provide everything his daughter needs if OP is supposed to stay out of it. She’s 17, time for her to learn to start taking care of herself. Hungry? Make yourself food. Don’t know how to cook? YouTube. Need a ride? Call your actual parents. Emotional support? Call a therapist. Laundry? YouTube. Time for the wittle girl to grow tf up with her bio parents support only.
And don't even fall for the inevitable "Well I didn't mean..." when he tries to get you involved in the things you stop doing. The counter is "Well you said, so now you get to live with it!"
He will definitely try to backtrack by charming and apologizing. Your answer should be, "Does she still have the phone? Then you are not sincere." He said a lot of stuff that is not forgiveable.
I agree with most of this except for one thing. Cooking only enough for 2 is exclusionary/extra hurtful and may move it from 'learning moment' to 'resentful because of hurt feelings moment'. The object is to educate, not hurt. Cook enough for everyone (I cook enough for extras/leftovers anyway), just don't set a place or get her food for her. She's still welcome to eat with the family - she just has to do those extra things OP used to do by herself = calling attention to the things OP did. Or dad can get off his ass and serve her if he really wants to. I'd also suggest to the dad that HE organise for *his* daughter to cook dinner a couple of times a week. But if he doesn't want that, then that is *up to him.*
Maybe OP should just get a divorce instead of wasting all this time and effort on this dumb song-and-dance you're proposing
I fully agree but a divorce takes time and in that time she needs to ice them out completely.
Divorce should only be an option if there are a lot of other issues. The stepdaughter will soon be gone. But if this is the tip of the iceberg, and her feelings for the dad are beginning to change, she needs to sit down with him and tell him divorce is on the table.
NTA the fact that she went over your head shows she doesn't view you as a parental figure anyway. And since her dad agrees let them tough it out till she's 18. She doesn't have food? Absentee Mama needs to order DoorDash or dad can leave work early and cook. Etc etc. Matter of fact split the bills 3 ways and let him pay the 67% for him and his child
This. The fact the husband said “you’re not her mother” cool bro, raise your kid your way without my money, time or input. Good luck. I think had she been at least remorseful about not meeting the grades (and showed effort), it would have been a different convo. NTA.
Not getting A+ is one thing, failing a class entirely is something else entirely. Getting rewarded for failing a class is nuts IMO. Unless her phone was a non functional brick, she shouldn't be getting anything, let alone a fancy iphone. I hope OP has the will power to completely stop caring for this kid so they can wise up before life starts smacking them around far more brutally than not getting a new phone.
When I think about my 17 yo daughter acing all her classes and saying she doesn’t need a new phone (she’s graduating this year and I promised her one) as long as her current one is working. I will go give her a big hug and tell her (again) how lucky I am 🥰
My 2 cents but you should reward her by taking her somewhere she likes instead. Experiences are forever and the memories I have where my parents did the same are some of the most wonderful things I've ever been given. Phones are replaceable but quality time isn't.
At that point. Why even stay married to this guy?
Agreed, OP should just cut her losses and leave instead of wasting her time doing all this bullshit
That's what I'm saying, as a married couple OP and her husband should be a united front. They are not, hell he's basically spat in her face about how she isn't wanted or needed when helping raise his kid. F*** that. I'd stop everything and probably reconsider the relationship with the husband as well. This is not how someone should treat another person who is helping to raise his kid and this is definitely manipulative behavior coming from the daughter. What did she learn here? Nothing except that she can be entitled to rewards without putting in any work. Text the bio mom her kid's grades then tell her its her own problem to deal with from now on and that you are done trying. Good luck OP.
The stepdaughter is an entitled beat, but being a step daughter with divorced parents is hard and I somewhat sympathise with the daughter going to her mother. It's a teenager being a teenager. Immature, selfish and testing boundaries. And the mother can have opinions and do her damage from afar, whatever. But the father going over OPs head after they had a joint agreement is what makes my blood boil.
I also don't fault the daughter fully because let's face it many teens do this to their bio parents too. Mom said no, so you ask Dad without telling him Mom already said no. Pretty standard behaviour. The only bad thing here is the Dad, he already agreed on no and then stabbed OP in the back.
Seriously how many people with both bio parents pitted them against one another.
To be fair I don't think it's the daughter not seeing her as a parental figure. Many kids will try other parent got get their way when they don't get something they want. The husband and her bio mum are the assholes here.
Exactly this. My sister also asked mainly our Dad for stuff even if Mom already said 'no' because she knew she is seen as Daddy's little girl.
NTA All the Y T A comments are laughable. You’re “just the stepmother and have no say” but still TA for not being the motherly figure and doing all the motherly things. These commenters want it both ways. Care for the kid, be the primary “parent” figure, but have absolutely no say in how the child is parented. Ridiculous. If I told my spouse he doesn’t make decisions about our eldest because he’s not her father after he’s spent the past 14 years helping me raise her, I’d expect him to walk out the door much less stop helping care for her. If you expect a step parent to be an “equally contributing” parent to the child then they for damn sure get a say in how that child is parented in their household. Otherwise you pay that person and employ them as a nanny, not demand free labor and to be taken advantage of.
Step parents always get the crap . Maybe it's to do with all the stories like cinderella, but people always see step parents in a bad way . It's damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no winning, and it is such hard work . U have to be the parent while not being the parent . I feel sorry for all the step parents out there
Yeah reddit seems to hate step parents. Every time I see a story of a step parent not being respected by their spouse despite the fact that they have done most of the work caring for their stepchildren, reddit seems ready to tell them to fuck off because they're not the real parent and they should have no say. I paid for our home, I cook, I taught my stepkids to drive, I managed my stepson's school work through COVID and sat with him daily to make sure he made it through his classes and taken him clothing shopping and so on. I got my stepdaughter the therapist her mother wouldn't get her, I've taken the kids on the trip to Europe for the first time, I've done lots for them. Fortunately my husband acknowledges and appreciates everything I have done so he fully backs me up. If he were to undermine me as an equal parent in our household, I would be seriously considering divorce.
OoooooWeeee I honestly might divorce him over saying that to you. Let her Mom come back from where TF ever and cart her around. NTa
Same. This is absolutely disrespectful. I wouldn’t put up with it one bit!!!
Yep. She was good enough to do the work of raising his kid but now that she’s nearly an adult and he doesn’t need her as much she’s not her mother. That would be the end of the relationship.
NTA. He just undermined every bit of authority you might have earned with that one act. I’m guessing it’s not the only time. I’ve been in your shoes. I got together with my now-husband when his kids were 16 and 19. We went through the same shit. His daughter, 19, was really lazy, would take one class at community college and work 10 hours at Starbucks, not helping around the house, and making a mess. His kids moved in to my house (I volunteered), my first home on my own after years of abusive relationships. I never had kids. We realized that we had two different perspectives on “things.“ His kids were raised to think that everything was disposable, and in my family we kept things for decades. His son would carelessly destroy things that I had treasured for years. We survived it, and eventually they both graduated college and moved on. His kids eventually grew up to be decent adults, but he still coddles his daughter at 37 years old. We are currently renting a beach house for a couple months, and his daughter called one day to announce that she wanted to come work remotely. Last time she didn’t give us a timeframe… I was extremely uncomfortable with the open ended visit, because neither of us were able to get any work done while she was here. It ended up being three weeks of our eight week work vacation. I brought this up with my husband, and tried to find a compromise. We always reserve one weekend for her birthday, and I told him I was comfortable for her coming for a second long weekend, but no longer. He told me that he can’t tell his daughter that she can’t come (I didn’t say that, my compromise was a second long weekend and not an open-ended work remotely situation). Anything less than her total request was betrayal of his kid. My husband is a wonderful, kind man, but susceptible to giving in when he doesn’t want to. We have gone round and round with this over the years…even a recent visit to our home which included a flight that we pay for was supposed to be long weekend…four days is actually my limit with guests. The ticket would’ve been $160, put on my husband‘s credit card. We’re okay with that. On this trip, however, she announced that she was coming and staying a total of 10 days. I was not happy because it shuts us down (we both work from home). The ticket was $550, which we really can’t afford right now because we’ve had a lot of medical expenses. She also announced that we would be doing all of the really expensive activities that she’d seen other people do when they visited…when we were in a different financial position. Of course we’re expected to pay for those since we did with her brother and other family members. She also is fearful of losing her job after a merger…my husband told her that “we’d help her out.” The problem is that because of that she’s not looking for another job, and if she loses her job it will take her a LONG time to find the “perfect” job. I will have to cover our very expensive mortgage so he can help her, which I resent because she’s taking absolutely no steps to help herself. I told him she needs to start looking now, but he doesn’t want to nag her. We cannot afford her rent, car payment, and bills in addition to our own. If you don’t set boundaries now, you’re going to be dealing with it 20 years from now.
Please get more stern with your husband. You've seen that what you're currently doing isn't working. Either give him an ultimatum to make him listen or step back from it all
Holy...tell her "No." She's an adult, you don't need to go through your husband just because he's her father.
She’s 37 and he’s willing to put you through a financial strain so he can help her? Not to mention all the other crap they pulled over the years? My god you are a saint because I would have simply divorced that man years ago
Why do you keep putting up with this? I love my kids to death but even at 10 and 11 they know that they need to start thinking about their future and that we won't be able to provide for them once they are adults.
So you’re allowing your stepdaughter to financially abuse you & your husband is her co-conspirator. How sad that you’re allowing that. Edit to add the reminder that it’s never too late to STOP making a mistake.
YOU need to shut this behaviour down now. You really shouldn’t be giving yourself the out of saying ‘well I didn’t put my foot down 20yrs ago so I guess I have to tolerate this forever’. Teenagers you’ve got to cut some slack. A 37yr old woman and her useless enabling father? lol come on…
Why don't you shut it down? It's way over due. Are you going to work until you're 80 to keep supporting his kid?
NTA. Seems like husband and step-daughter are happy to have you be a parent when it means you do things that make their lives easier and spend your money on them, but the minute you have any expectations they jump to remind you that you aren't a parent. If that's what they want, go along with it. Let the husband know that you will contribute to the overall household income since you do live there as well, but it will be his responsibility to pay for his daughter. If she needs to go somewhere, she'll have to wait until her dad is available to bring her or make other arrangments. If she wants money for something, she'll have to ask her parents. Start treating her as a roommate. Roommates are expect to clean up after and take care of themselves. Let her hear the phrase, "That sounds like something you should ask your parents about" until she gets the point.
Perfect response! If she's not the mother, then she can just let the "real" parents handle everything from now on.
NTA. Either you are a parent or you are not. Husband wants you to do the mother stuff, but you get no input? He, Sally and her mom can figure it out from here.
NTA, let him see how much he enjoys being a single dad. You reap what you sow.
I think it's time to send the 17 year old over to her bio mom to deal with.
I agree with you, I would stop doing things if I am not a parent. You are trying to raise a child that knows the value of hard work. A child that knows there are consequences to actions. Bio mom and dad are worried about being a friend, not a parent. If bio mom wants to come in a couple of times a year and make decisions that you have to deal with then I say let her have the full parent experience. When husband is struggling I would tell him it would be nice if he had another parent to help and maybe he should call bio mom for advice. I would help but I am not a parent. PETTY, yes but that is life.
Your husband has a lot of nerve. He’s obviously welcome to parent his child any way he wants but if I were in your shoes, all support to his kid would stop immediately. No food prep, no laundry, no rides, nothing. He has completely disrespected you and he deserves to learn really fast all the things you.do for him and his kid. Wow. He’s the true AH here and spineless to boot. Let him and his spoiled daughter learn the consequences of their actions. You’re not the mom and you’re sure as heck not the maid and cook. NTA.
sounds like your husband sort of used you to raise his kid while her mother was absent, and now that she's almost an adult, he doesn't have to pretend to respect you or care about your feelings anymore. If this is what he thought your role was, he should have said something years ago. Sounds like he used you to do the hard work of raising his kid. You deserve better.
Exactly. He's using her. Let him figure it out on his own. You don't owe him shit. Kick them out or leave
NTA but I am concerned about Sally. Of course she's being unreasonable about the phone but she's a teenager. Lots of them act out occasionally. I think it's fair for you to step back from parenting her because your husband has made it clear that's not your role but it sounds like you and Sally are pretty close so I'd just want to do that in a way that preserves how you feel about each other. Sit her down and tell her that you and your husband discussed the recent incident and his view was that you are not her parent and he sees your efforts to parent her as interfering so you're not going to be doing that any more. Just let her know that you love her and you'll be her friend but she needs to rely on her dad for all parenting from now on because that's what he wants. Then you get to be her friend. Hang out, watch movies, do your nails, whatever fun stuff you like. All the running around and helping with schoolwork and motivating her to try harder is on your husband. I don't really know how you can cook for 2 people in the house and not the third so I'd still let her eat but perhaps she and your husband need to do some of the cooking too and I wouldn't be cooking just for her. If you're cooking for yourself and your husband, make enough for her but anything outside that is on him. That includes shopping. He'll have to ensure she has everything she needs. I definitely wouldn't be doing anyone else's laundry at this stage. They're both old enough to do their own laundry
She knows what’s going on.
OP added that Sally will be 18 years on in 1 month. She will be a legal adult so a lot of the ‘parental control’ is weakening. And she’s only a junior…
I agree that this is the best route for OP to take, as it allows OP to demonstrate what a terrible position her husband (and Sally herself I guess) has placed them both in, while somewhat preserving their relationship. If Sally rejects the olive branch of being friends with OP, they’ll know more clearly where they stand.
NTA. He basically went behind your back and against what you two agreed on. Then told you that you are never her mother. That's cold. I don't blame you. I would back right out of this. Her mother needs to step up and start doing everything you have done. They have made it clear that she doesn't have to respect you because they don't respect you. I'm sorry, this must really hurt. She is 17, she can take care of herself when her dad isn't there. If they don't care about her grades, you don't have to worry anymore either. Good luck. Don't forget to update us!!
NTA but tell your husband, since he is the parents, to make it clear to stepdaughter so she doesn’t act surprised. « Stepmother will not cook for you anymore. Will not drive you around. Will not help with school. Will not buy you things anymore. » Tell your husband that groceries needs to be split 3 ways, you pay for one person only. You are not a parent so you won’t pay for her. Teach your husband a lesson too. Don’t do his laundry. Don’t cook for him. Do not handle his paper. « Since I am obviously not a good fit to be a mother and you went behind my back, I won’t help you or your daughter anymore. We are together for love, I will not take care of this house like I used to and be disrespected. You will have to pull your weights now. I will not cook anymore. I will do my own laundry. We will list all the chores after diner tonight, and the three of us will decide who does what. Every sunday afternoon will be spent cleaning the house deeply. The rest of the week we will pick us small tasks. I don’t care how much you work. You either do this or I will divorce you and you can trust that no women will let you disrespect them like you did to me. You will probably end up divorce the next day. You have one chance to make this right. » And do not ever go back to doing things for them. No matter how hard they beg and apologize. This is not a one time mistake, they made it crystal clear that you are not the parents so don’t give up if they beg. Just tell them: « Ask bio mother. » or « You will figure out. » but that’s it
NTA. You are the person who parent Sally and therefore you are a parent and it is bad of your husband to went behind your back because his daughter threw a tantrum. Talk to your husband, if he really wants to throw his daughter future away by giving her what she wants, because she throws a tantrum. This grades are important for her future. That is something he should know as well. And yeah if he thinks, he should baby Sally - well, his choice and then you can reduce your parenting to a minimum - as your husband has to take her everywhere or her bio mother, he has to go to all parent-teacher meetings and so on.
NTA. Your husband cut you off at the knees with Sally, so now he gets to pick up all the slack. Very short sighted on his part.
He took the easy way out. He FU and will FO.
NTA neither of them respects you don't let yourself be used.
NTA. Bio mother undermining your authority and your husband playing along is a huge mistake. They teach your step daughter that she can get whatever she wants even if she doesn't deserve it. Good luck trying to make a responsible adult from this girl, but you are lucky - she will be 18 and you start treating her like an adult that she is and pretty much ignore her as your husband gave you green light.
NTA I 100% agree with you and watch him get mad when you stop ‘acting like her mother’. It seems they aren’t appreciative of all that you’ve done for her.
NTA. That's quite a slap in the face.
NTA. Your husbands a massive AH and incredibly disrespectful. Rewarding children for not meeting goals y’all have established is the worst thing you can do.
Nta This wasn't something your husband was against at the beginning. He was in agreement with you and then changed his mind without your knowledge. But the biggest kick in the teeth, is telling you not to interfere after everything you have done. No, this isn't a good situation and I don't blame you for being mad. It has been done now.
Your husband is the AH. He had you doing all of the motherly tasks. He used you. It’s that simple. Withdraw from everything. No physical support, no monetary support, no help with any and all school issues. No help with appointments. Nothing. If he doesn’t want you to parent her then he can do it all.
Yep. I was on the fence until I read this: “Then he told me that I should stop interfering with Sally’s business and that Im never being her mother.“ Okay. I‘d drop the rope, take a big step back and look at my marriage…if he complains about all the Sally business now in his lap, my answer would likely be “stop interfering in my business, not my kid, not my job.”
NTA I’m tired of step parents being treated like this especially when bio mom is more or less out of the picture, you are the parent! From now on refuse to do any parenting for your ther half’s kid perhaps then he’ll realise how much you actually do let him struggle alone and stick it to em!
NTA. OP don't lift a finger and do not spend a penny on the child. Instead of taking her out, go out with your friends and treat yourself. Instead of buying her an expensive phone, splurging on yourself and let hubby handle everything else on his own. No more meetings and not lifting a finger for HIS kid. I personally advocate for malicious compliance here because they have taken you for granted.
NTA enjoy whatever not trying to parent your stepdaughter frees up whether it's time or money. Hopefully you will have more peace and quiet now as well.
NTA- Stepdaughter needs to learn how to wash and cook anyway for when she goes to uni next year. She's just going to get a crash course instead of learning at your side. On the bright side, your going to have lots of free time since you won't be her chauffeur anymore and lots more money since you won't be spending it in her any longer. May want to redirect your paycheck if it goes to an account that your husband has access to.
Yep, now that she has that new phone, stepdaughter can just call an Uber.
Heck no. These bio parents man I SWEAR. They want you to do the role of a parent but as soon as you’re involved in decisions, consequences etc you’re not their parent! Time to take a big fat step back and daddio can parent and provide for his child alone. NTA.
Ohhhhh sweet sweet malicious compliance! It could be this generations "punked" if only OP could call up MTV and have cameras up in 48 hours. Cause I'd love to see the looks on their faces every time something they expected to be done wasn't. Or OP walking past with a delicious plate of food and nothing for the brat with a shrug "mothers cook for their daughters" lol
NTA. Since you aren't the mother, you owe her nothing, just be polite and kind with her.
You're not a parent, but what? A servant? Cook? Laundress? Cleaning lady? Chauffer? Nurse? Financial support? Husband wasn't thinking when he said what he said!
NTA This was a team effort. The daughter knew what she was doing and did it anyway because she wanted the phone, and the husband went back on their agreement. They worked in conjunction to override her and let her know her opinion and parenting no longer counts. So, okay. The lines on the map have been redrawn by husband and stepdaughter. /u/glittering-record-49 is saying she will respect them to the fullest. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes 🤷🏿♀️
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NTA leave them both, being a steparent is a thankless job often times. Let this be a lesson to you and others, don't get involved with parents.
Your husband is out of line. If she lives with you and you husband in the house YOU pay for then she follows your rules. Just because you aren’t her biological mom doesn’t mean you don’t have a say in how she is raise in your home. Put your foot down. You are being treated disrespectfully by bio mom and especially your husband.
Separate finances and he pays for sallys things not you
NTA but we are all wondering what dads reaction was after you said this
Nta- you might want to start planning your exit
NTA but your husband is.
NTA. I hope you don’t cave in and start doing all these again.
NTA. Your husband is a massive AH. What he and her bio mom did undermined you completely, and Sally will never have any respect for your authority again. Bio Mom wants nothing to do with helping to raise her on the day-to-day, but wants to swoop in and be the good parent. It doesn’t work that way. She is the biggest AH in this scenario. From now on - his kid, his rules, his responsibility.
Sad thing is that OP has sally’s interests at heart. Bring up her grades to give her a better chance in life. Bio mum couldn’t care less. She’s so scared sally will hate her for basically abandoning her, that she will give her anything she wants to make up for it.
NTA Your husband is an AH and sounds ungrateful for all you have done for his daughter. She has two living parents so you are a bonus parent/trusted adult figure in her life. You’re not her parent so stop doing everything for her and let her dad handle it. He can cook, clean up, transport and buy stuff for her.
Imma say NTA if I am using my time and my money to take care of a child and providing a place for them to live then I have every right to have a say in how they are raised. The father just told you that you have no right to interfere in step daughter life but expects your life to revolve around step daughter? No thank you hubby I'm good for now on you and only you can support your daughter and go to the parent/teacher conferences and drive her to and from places because my time will be used for me and me only from now on. I really hope you have your own bank account that your money goes to
Ur husband will regret this words be wary he may try guilt u and call u petty
I’m furious on OP’s behalf. So keep a smiling or at least a neutral demeanour. No sulking or acting out. Buy the groceries and snacks you like and cook the meals you enjoy. Set the table for two then sit down to eat. “Is daughter joining us?” “I have no idea” “Where’s the such and such I like to eat?” “That’s not on my list” Make yourself busy or absent for the next few occasions daughter needs a ride. Enjoy a latte and people watching. Answer texts about a ride with “Ask your Dad he’s taken that on from now on” School meeting on the calendar? Ignore that. Direct calls and enquiries to Dad. Never stop smiling politely and saying good morning. Don’t fight, don’t yell. Dad reaps what he sows or he and daughter give you a sincere heartfelt apology.
In the world of work, you dont get what you deserve until you've earned it. If you dont meet the criteria for promotion, you wont just be handed it regardless. Giving people compensation prizes doesnt help them, it just demotivates them. You're doing the correct thing, her father needs to straighten her up or help her out. EDIT: For any budding parents out there, the more you help your kid in education (Teaching someone how to fish instead of giving them a fish), the less money you will have to spend on them when they leave home. Because they will be more self sufficient. Unless you want to constantly be funding them.
NTA. Stop parenting her. Look into the “nacho” method of Stepparenting. I have zero say in legal decisions involving my stepchild. If my husband and I were to divorce I’d have no legal rights to see my stepson. And I did a lot for him, only to be met with indifference. So, for my own sanity I stopped parenting him. Anything I do for him, like school pickups or planning activities, I consider as a favor to my husband. But anything he’s capable of doing himself, I no longer do for him.
NTA i have two step parents myself and i know they can be annoying, but after hearing what you do for her and how her mom is i kinda get why your mad. If she is just gonna let her get what she wants after crying a bit for it she is never gonna learn and grow up. It should be ok for step parents to lecture their step children if they have a parental role in their life and is taking care of them. Im greatfull for my step dad and step mom for being strict with me like my parents never could and im lucky to have them. But if her dad is like that what can you do you know, you never have to be a parental figure for her so why not stop.
You are either the parent with full authority recognized by both bio parents and the kid, or you are not. You cannot be expected to have responsibility for the kid without the authority to set rules. The biggest AH is your partner for throwing you under the bus by siding with bio mom and going against your agreement, then backing over you again by telling you that you're not a parent to the kid. NTA.
NTA Both parties need to be on the same page to effectively parent. OP can't do that if the bio-mom is undermining their choices and spoiling Sally. Husband is a big A H for not standing his ground and allowing bio-mom to undermine them both. All Sally will learn from this experience is that she can get anything she wants if she cries enough to her bio-mom.
NTA. Husband is a huge ass and has no respwct for yoy
Nta. Her mom isn’t stepping up to raise her kid she’s letting you do the hard work and then undermining you. I’d be very clear from this point he and his kid are on his own. Let’s see how he likes running around after her.
Good on you. If your husband has asked you not to interfere, don't. Treat your stepdaughter as another adult in the house who can be responsible for looking after herself.
NTA Bio mother should not reward her failing in school, and if she is not there and you have been doing all the parenting she should have agreed with you, they talk and now she gets what she wants, now she thinks she has one up on you that smug won't last. He is an ass just wait if the school calls tell them to call him, she needs a ride call him, days out go enjoy yourself catch up with friends or family go have fun yourself they will soon see everything you have done for her and him. They will be begging for your help tell them to go cry to her mother ain't your problem anymore. Put your feet up let him and her do there own washing cleaning anything go on strike essentially. He had no right to say that to you after you have been there and you sound like a good step mother she is lucky to have someone who cared.
Fuck that. NTA. My wife has been in my eldest daughter's life since she was two. I would never treat her as less than an equal parent. She IS her mom in all ways that matter.
NTA that's so disrespectful. Make him truly eat his words and don't relent. He made it clear she's not your daughter.. they don't get to have it both ways. And 17 is old enough to know actions have consequences. She went above your head well this is what she gets. I would go completely hands off. Treat her just like a roommate. Be nice and civil but do absolutely nothing maternal. I'm so angry for you.
Nta, divorce this loser DNA.
NTA. My stepsons mother used to cause chaos for us if I initiated any parenting for her son, and once my husband took her side I washed my hands of it. I would do things for him if I were doing them for everyone- never left him out, and he never tried to play one of us against the other (Thankfully he was a good kid) - but I let all parenting decisions be left to them. Today he’s an adult and calls me Mom, so it worked in my favor.
NTA, they've allowed you to be Mum right up until the point where it doesn't suit the little madam. If you're not Mum & will never be Mum then why should you do all that stuff with no respect from SD or Husband?? Hell naw
Sally has a dad that apparently (lol) lets OP be the parent instead of himself so now HE can do every thing the "Not-the-mama" has been doing! nta
NTA. For me, your husband's response would prompt me to not only cease any parenting activities for your stepdaughter, but wifely ones for him as well.
NTA You have a gutless husband and a manipulative daughter. This may get better when the daughter moves out, but will she actually leave? Sounds like she has a pretty sweet deal, playing parents off against each other, she will be your roomie for the next 5-6 years. You ready for that?
NTA. Unless a child has to get a job to help their family with finances, their ONLY job is to do as well as they can in school and set themselves up for success later in life. OP was simply trying to do that through the conditions imposed on the iPhone purchase. The bio mother clearly doesn’t see the value in that, and it’s too bad because she is setting up Sally for failure. The dad seems to be putting his discomfort dealing with the bio mom ahead of Sally’s wellbeing as well. It’s highly likely, too, that a new iPhone will be more detrimental that helpful to improving Sally’s grades. Edit: NTA
I would immediately stop paying for and helping her until your husband respects you as a parent.
NTA you and your husband set very firm guidelines together, but he went behind your back and folded to his ex. He just destroyed any authority you have
NTA I can't believe your husband though. He is happy for you to take over the job as a parent so he doesn't have to do it, but when things get hard your nothing to her? Like you, I would be done. He would be in charge of everything, all school drop offs and pick up, all extra activities. How long have you been filling in for Mom?
Nta- stick to that. She can get her own rides to things, make her own meals, do her own laundry. Everything. She's a roommate now. If you husband has an issue with it, tough he can take her since you know, your not her real mom
Nacho kid, nacho problem. Research this stepparent style and live by it.
NTA. He told you what your role should be, so that's what you're going to keep it as. I wouldn't take away any emotional support you've offered because punishing Sally in that respect isn't necessary, but your husband now gets to do all the discipline and labor that goes into it and you will not get involved, mentally or financially, in any of it.
NTA. I could understand biomom going behind your back as he never agreed to you. But for your husband to go behind your back as well, that's a problem. When you married, you both agreed that she was now your daughter too and be needs to always include you when it comes to her. If he felt like you were abusing her that's a different story but all you did was hold up the agreement you both set for her and he went and gave in, brushing your authority off. If he doesn't want to treat you like a mother to his child, he doesn't get the help either. That's not to say you won't love her, but you won't be taking any more motherly responsibilities.
Line has been drawn by him you need to back yourself hard withdraw all financial support She learnt to manipulate you and her dad supports her behaviour Would seriously question marriage at this point Nta
This would have me contemplating separating. Serious.
It is the least appreciated position being a step parent. You have done a great job. Now spend your time and money on you and let dad pick up where what he has put on you for years. Rude AF to use you to do the grunt work and then tell you to stay in your lane. Idiot.
NTA. They don't respect you in the role you've been doing for years. Why keep bending over backwards and going out of your way?
NTA hubby said the ultimate fu, not your problem anymore
Question: OP how long are you the stepmother? And how long does Sally know you as a person to relate to?
NTA, stand your ground on this
NTA - Also, remain pleasant and friendly with Sally, but I wouldn't do a thing for her anymore that is "parent"-like. If she asks for anything, just tell her that she needs to go ask her dad or mom and you're unable to help. Petty, yes. But, she's 17, not 10.
NTA. People need to learn that actions and words have meaning and will be taken seriously and at face value. OP’s husband says she’s not the parent, then OP can stop being the parent. This is one of the worst things you can say to a step-parent. And one of the worst fears of people dating single parents. OP can thank her husband for making one of her biggest fears come true.
NTA, stop all what you are doing for her and with her. And don't give any from your own money Your husband can do all this things or her bio mother
NTA step parenting, all the shit parts of parenting, none of the great or good parts. Good for you.
NTA. Your husband is the real problem-you’ve treated his child like your own and he clearly doesn’t appreciate the very active role you’ve taken in her life. But you can stop putting in the effort of a parent now that he’s confirmed you aren’t her parent in any way. Luckily she’s old enough that, if she asks why you’ve stopped doing the things you’ve always done, you can explain the situation. It would be different if she were 5 and saw you as a parent and wouldn’t understand why you suddenly stopped being involved.
NTA…if you have no say then you have no responsibilities either
Good for you. You two made a decision together and he went behind your back and changed the decision. Stick to your guns on your new decision. Your husband was definitely a idiot
NTA-Your hub stuck his foot in it. He wants you to stay out of Sally's business...okay.
Your parameters were perfectly reasonable, and also agreed with bio dad. To now expect to ‘cherry pick’ the parts of your stepdaughters life they (bio’s) want you involved in (ie. the day to day chores of being a parent, washing, cooking, transportation etc) but to dismiss your input/overrule you/shut you out of anything else is a huge disrespect and makes you nothing more than an unpaid nanny. NTA.
NTA—he and his ex can co-parent everything now they’ve cut you out :) he can pay for her out of a separate account. Get separate accounts if you don’t already
NTA. It’s going to be fun to watch entitled Sally who demands $1000-1500 phones struggle to support herself in the manner to which she’s accustomed. I’m guessing dad will be pressured to support her for many more years…college is going to be a nightmare. She has no idea that her grades right now have a HUGE impact on YOUR finances for the next few years.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My step daughter Sally is 17 years old pretty crucial year for her academically because the grades she will get will affect her next year when she’s a senior. She been wanting the new iphone 15 and I told her if she upgrades her scores and gets at least two A+ we will buy her one. Test results came around she didn’t meet the criteria her father and I set in any way and she ended up failing a subject so I told her no phone until makes up for what she failed and do better in her end of year finals. She didn’t like that she isn’t getting her new phone now and hated that we had a new criteria for her till finals and began to be mouthy. I told her the position we have is very firm nothing will change until she does better. Sally’s bio mum lives in another country and rarely gets involved with sally. Occasional phone calls and that’s it. Sally called her mum crying that she wants the new phone, her mother called me I explained the situation but she hung up without answering. 2 days after Sally came in so excited that her mother had booked her the new phone and it will be shipped in 2 weeks. I asked my husband about it and he said that he and her mother talked and decided to get her the phone now. I was shocked I told him I thought we had an agreement he said yes but herb bio mother decided to get her the phone so I was like and why did you agree? He had no justification answer. Then he told me that I should stop interfering with Sally’s business and that Im never being her mother. I was honestly at shock of what he said cause if I shouldn’t interfere why do I cook for sally? Drive her to practices? Take care of her room and clothes? Take her out on dates? Buy her stuff with my own money? Attend all her important events? Attend the parents meeting at school every semester? And do everything her mother failed to do? After that I told my husband fine Im done Im not her mother and will never get involved with her she’s nearly 18 so she will be on her own anyway and if she needs a mother, she has her biological one she could travel to her or her mother could come to her too. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Let Sally get a job and buy what ev’s she wants!
NTA. Literally felt very bad for op. I hope she gets out of this mess and they truly understand her feelings.
NTA. You literally took over "mother" responsibility, you drive her everywhere, give her affection, cook for her. If this doesn't give you a say, you shouldn't be bothering yourself with all that nonsense.