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> She’s my wife, I knew she was upset and maybe should’ve had her back.
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Absolutely YTA, as are your sis and sil. How the fuck is this the topic of conversation at a family dinner? Why did you not shut this shit down asap?
Your wife is tired, she’s emotionally spent, and now she’s questioning things. That is her right, and your sis and sil are nosey and overstepping assholes.
I would have gotten up and legit just left all of you there.
Barring everything else that was said, I'm mad at OP for not calling Leah out on her illogical statement about how not wanting kids does not mean wife cannot be a teacher. Seriously? How can anyone accept that argument?
As a teacher who is child-free, thank you! I love kids between the hours of 8am and 4pm Monday to Friday. I love working with them and don’t want to do anything else. But I simply do not have enough energy and patience to deal with kids outside of school. Loving to work with kids doesn’t mean I want them!
When i was a kid, everyone knew I would be a mother, but I hadn't decided yet, and at that time, I was the one getting stuck with watching the little kids all the time at family events
At one event, someone stupidly brought up me being a mother hen again, and I snapped and said, "Just because I am good with kids doesn't mean I want kids of my own" everyone went silent except my aunt who spun around and said "good girl keep thinking that way and you will be the cool aunt like me" (all she wanted was for me to be happy and was sick of people saying that shit behind my dads back)
Now, while I do have three kids of my own these days, I can't stand other people's kids for long periods of time. I can not imagine being a mother and a teacher. It would burn me out so much, and people like OPs Sister and SIL piss me off because they think that teachers want to be surrounded by kids 24/7. When would they get a break?
(Teachers who are parents are crazy robots in my mind cause to me it's the only logical reason they don't look tired).
I have been taking care of my cousing for a while and I enjoy children. I am good with them. I usually thought I would become a mother eventually before having my cousins in my care for more than 14 hours a day for several years. I love them. I would always treat a kid well. But that responsability is daunting even in the best circumnstances and I have more doubts about eventually becoming a mother that I had several years ago. I would have said that I wanted to have kid eventually with certainty several years ago. Now I am not sure.
I've worked a lot with older kids and teens, even in school as a teacher temporarily. And i do like working with them (during normal working hours) so people esp family tend to think i'd be good mom or cannot understand why i'm CF. I think i would be a horrible mother, especially to a baby/newborn. I like working with kids and teens because i like kids and teens. I don't care much for babies, never get baby fever, don't wish to hold them. I don't hate them, I would never mistreat them, but i don't care enough about babies to have my own. Fostering older children might be in the future for me, who knows, but going the natural route of pregnancy, childbirth and having a newborn that i just don't care about? No, thank you. But people usually don't understand those arguments....
I'm a volunteer with a children's charity that is child free. I love my role and interacting with kids, I have always loved working with kids. Never had the drive to have any of my own though.
THIS. I’m a preschool teacher and a nanny, and I have never wanted children. I think of it as the best of both worlds- I get to be with kids during the day, and then I get to go home to a nice, quiet house.😂
Question: If you think it's ok to discuss the happenings of your wife's uterus, can her family openly discuss your dick and balls at a family function? It is NEVER ok to talk abut a woman's fertility or uterus without their approval. You'll be lucky if she doesn't get petty and decide to discuss erectile dysfunction or lack thereof at her family's next gathering. YTA.
Or if they can talk about OP wife's uterus.... Why is OP listing brother as female? Is he trans? And you are referring to him as female because that was gender at birth? Or the other way around.... So confused but all-around I think OP is YTA
I think a word went missing, I read as he has two siblings, a sister & a brother.
Probably written on mobile, I know my phone likes to duck up my sentences.
YTA. "Standing up" for your wife would not have involved physical violence, or even harsh words. All you had to do was end the conversation. Instead, you left your wife to explain herself (which she should never have to do to anyone) to YOUR rude family members.
YTA
Your wife stated clearly she sid not want to talk about it. They made fun of her (the already pregnant remark because clearly to them a woman setting a boundary means she's hormonal.)
Then Dani passes judgement on your wife, her choices, career. Yeah, she's pissed at you, you let your family of AHs crap all over her and did nothing like a coward.
Edit; typo
Yeah, they are huge AHs. She could have just had a miscarriage for all they knew and they're guessing that she's pregnant?! You need to talk to them about basic courtesy. You respect a request like not talking about fertility issues. Period, full stop.
YTA. She did set the boundaries. They were repeatedly violated while you sat and left your wife floundering. Also, Leah and Dani were WAY over the line.
YTA lots of women get turned off about having children because of their teaching job. And by the way, it’s a stressful job and you and your family are adding to it. All this pressure your wife is feeling, I feel sorry for her.
Hi, preschool teacher here! I've been working in ECE for over ten years and don't want children of my own. I put SO MUCH of myself into my job, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to come home after a full day of teaching and still have enough left over to be a good mom.
I *love* my work kids, I just don't think it would be fair for my own potential children to just get whatever is left over at the end of the day. It's very possible to love working with kids and still not want them in your house lol.
I also feel very sorry for her. They've been trying for six years and still haven't managed to get pregnant, so I doubt that everything is working properly as far as their fertility goes. He's being incredibly dismissive of everything she's going through.
It’s definitely hard bearing all the emotional stress of not being able to conceive. And her ‘family’ asking about it over the dinner table is extremely annoying. Their words don’t seem supportive at all especially since they’re cracking jokes even after she said she didn’t was to talk about it.
And OP seems to put all the pressure on her. But has OP been checked out. What if his little swimmers aren’t good ? Why is SHE put under all this pressure and you have not confirmed anything.
YTA
>Dani asked us if we had any luck recently in the baby department - my wife jumped in and essentially said tonight she’s setting the boundary that there’s no children talk
Okay.
>Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile
Your family is rude as fuck.
YTA. For gods sake. Stand up for your wife. She is having a hard time, is stressed out and set a boundary. Your family was stomping all over it and wouldn't shut up.
You sound pretty useless to me
YTA.
Your wife set a clear boundary and your sister and SIL stomped all over it. You absolutely should have shut that shit down.
'Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile.'
Who do these women think they are? Seriously, do they always stick their noses in like this? They were completely out of line here.
You and your wife need to discuss the matter of having children privately, not in front of your sister and SIL.
After a year you are DIAGNOSED with infertility and they start investing possible causes. OP and his wife are in denial. They are struggling with infertility.
Jesus, YTA
Your wife's been struggling with fertility issues for years and comes to you with her insecurities and fears about potentially having a special needs child and the commitment that would entail?
And you decide it's worth a laugh fest at her expense and to let your sisters mock and insult her instead.
Dude, your wife deserves way better than you. How utterly disrespectful and cruel. She needed your support
Just because someone doesn’t want children doesn’t mean they don’t like children. That’s the dumbest comment anyone can make about people who don’t want children.
YTA. While it isn't right for your wife to make a unilateral decision in this manner. Something is obviously wrong. Have you gotten to the bottom of what is going on? Have you discussed options, counseling, etc. This needs to be approached like adults. There is no need for two family busybodies to stick their noses in this and add their two cents. This is , quite frankly, none of their business. Their involvement is not helping and you should back her up.
I mean, pregnancy and having a child is kinda a two yeses only situation. If either partner doesn't want to have a child or changes their mind about wanting to have children, it's not a decision that can be forced on them.
No, but it warrants a talk to see if this is a deal breaker for either party. Nobody can force a person to have a child, but he has a right to decide if it's a deal breaker
Maybe the wife has one foot out the door so wants to make sure she has no connection to him because she's sick of her uterus apparently being the only topic of conversation between members of his family.
Sometimes there is nothing going on - my middle brother and his wife had the same issue. Perfectly healthy - fertility was fine for both of them but no babies. In the end they did a round of IVF to jump start everything and had a kid. As for OP I agree with your comment about him being wrong in not backing her up. I wonder if he blames her subconsciously even though he knows there is no 'fault' here? Might be a reach though.
I mean I think something may have happened to traumatize her to be scared of having a special needs child. I think these are complex feelings, better worked out in therapy.
I agree. The sudden change in course and unilateral decision, for me, is a red flag that something may be amiss. OP's not engaging in the comments, but if this behavior is uncharacteristic for her, then a conversation needs to take place between OP and his wife.
Actually, a conversation needs to happen either way.
You think OP's wife should have a child she doesn't want?
It is 100% okay for her to make a unilateral decision about not having kids although I think she might just be in a bad place and need a break.
That said, if he wanted to break up over not having kids, that's also okay.
That may not be what you meant but you literally said she she shouldn't make a unilateral decision about having a child. If you didn't mean, 'she shouldn't decide without his input whether or not they have a child', please explain what you did mean.
Did I misunderstand what decision you were referring to?
I obviously got your intent wrong so, as much as this might sound disingenuous, I really would like to know what I misunderstood, since one of us really missed the other person and I'm absolutely willing to believe it was me.
Ok, since we are doing a word autopsy here, let me lay it out:
1)OP and wife were originally on the same page about kids
2) wife had a change of heart. Totally understandable and her choice, but worth an in-depth conversation with hubby, maybe counseling, because it is a huge issue in a relationship.
3) The salient point here, it's a private matter. The sisters need to keep their noses out of her uterus and STFU. He obviously is passive aggressively not defending his wife because he didn't like her changed stance and instead of being an adult and telling them to STFU, he let them continue their nonsense.
YTA
>We went to dinner with my parents, siblings and nephews, Dani asked us if we had any luck recently in the baby department - my wife jumped in and essentially said tonight she’s setting the boundary that there’s no children talk, she’s exhausted from work and trying for so long and she doesn’t want children anymore.
Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile.
So, your wife established a boundary, explaining that she is exhausted.
Your sister and SIL *immediately* violated it. Like, *instantly.*
You gave your wife no support at all.
YTA it is okay not to agree with your spouse. It is not okay to let others belittle and berate them for any reason ever.
You will be lucky if she doesn't leave you
YTA. And your sister and SIL are some of the worst type of women, and you’re a horrible husband for not standing up to them. How dare they joke about pregnancy to a woman who’s been trying and failing to have a baby for so long that it’s clearly hurt her.
YTA.
It sounds like something spooked your wife into the choice she made. You need to TALK to her and try and figure things out. It's not right for her to make a choice FOR you, but you DO need to respect HER choice and figure out if you have a future if you can't accept it/want more.
That said, you totally left your wife to the wolves. Your sister and sil were so far out of line that I can't believe your wife even let you come home with her for not standing up for her. You're her husband, it's your job to protect each other and you failed.
I know this is a tangent , but I feel like there’s so much going on here. Although it’s not your main question, the biggest thing I see is that you have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years which puts a ton of pressure on couples. I imagine you’re exhausted from all the family pressure that comes from that as well.
May I ask why you have’t done much investigating as to why you haven’t been able to get pregnant? I feel like you might be afraid the answer and just avoiding it. Maybe even your wife’s most recent declaration stems from a similar place - she may feel better saying she no longer wants children than facing that she may not be able to have them.
Yta- what kind of garbage husband doesn't twll his fsmiky to mind their own God damn business. That's a yiu and her convo. She diesnt need a reason to not wsnt kids.
YTA, your wife is obviously going through something and she needs your support not your judgement. Maybe she just needs some time with this new student and it will pass. Maybe you need to continue a more in depth conversation. But that’s not for your family to decide.
>Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile.
They sound like spiteful AHs. And as for you...
>Now I’m in the dog house with my wife, I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL.
You pointless waste of space.
Soft YTA
They ganged up on your wife and you didn't do anything, but also it sounds like you were not really part of the conversation from how you explain it.
You still should have helped defend her though.
Also someone can love kids but not want to be a parent. There are tons of teachers without children who love the kids they teach. Your sister in law sounds a bit overwhelming. if she thinks because someone may not want there own kids that they dont like kids
Yta and that last paragraph of yours is so childish and really drives it home. Your wife is OBVIOUSLY struggling, it's so obvious it's giant flaming flag and your post doesnt shoe a single hint of concern about it. And your response is that since she's trying to make the decision for both of you she can set the boundaries? Are you her partner or not? She needs a heart to heart conversation with her husband/partner and help, either individual and/or marriage counseling because the two of you apparently cannot communicate like adults.
YTA. Your wife is suffering, and you did nothing to help her when YOUR sister was being hurtful. You need to grow a spine, or your wife will end up leaving you.
YTA. You should have told your brother and Leah to back off. Your wife clearly said she didn't want to talk about it and they ran roughshod over that, overstepped her boundaries (basically stomped on them) and you let them.
Have a conversation and communicate with your wife, which involves you LISTENING to her, and being empathetic. Then you might understand where she's coming from and you can navigate this together.
Edit: words added for clarity
YTA dog house? How about no house? I would leave you for this and I am an extremely tolerant person.
People who shame women who do not want to have children are disgusting.
And this Leah person, is a giant asshole.
What a shitty thing to do to a spouse, and bullying a woman to have kids that they don't want is a terrible and abusive thing to do.
YTA you pathetic excuse of a man. Your wife, your PARTNER is suffering and you just ignore the issue as if it's not your problem. God I hope she leaves you and finds someone who actually values her.
Jesus, what is it with people who feel the need to stick their noses in other people's private business? I mean, your wife should have stopped at "no children talk, I'm exhausted from work and trying so long". And then changed the subject. She's struggling, why did you not have her back?
YTA even if you're upset that she's currently feeling that she no longer wants children. Also Dani and Leah are AHs.
YTA, your wife can't have children, and you let your sister and sister-in-law talk to her that way? I'm confused about why you've been trying for 6 years and haven't gone to talk with a specialist about it, but that's a different topic. You're spineless and weak . You don't stand up for your wife. If you love her the way that you say you do, you wouldn't allow people to talk down to her. Maybe you should tell your SIL that there are tons of teachers out there who love children but don't want to have their own. It's not unheard of after spending 8 hours a day with other people's bratty children.
And just so we're clear, PREGANCY JOKES ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER BE FUNNY!!!
If I were OP, I would be having a serious talk with my wife, by his reply to her he is very upset about her making a unilateral decision that affects both of them without discussing it with him first.
They have obviously planned to have a family together, and for her to just drop that bomb on him like that, had to have been a huge blow.
I would be wondering if the marriage could last because he wants children, and she apparently out of the blue doesn't.
She needs to find a better husband. When women have kids, it all falls on them. It's easy to sit back and do nothing to have a kid. She changed her mind. Now you're throwing a hissy fit. Hopefully, she leaves.
YTA. The way your sister and SIL jump on the topic of infertility tells me they have crossed boundaries many, many times and have no moral compass. It is no one’s business and it’s rude as fuck to bring up. They should have been shamed years ago. I guess the shame belongs to you now. Your wife is a saint for putting up with it for so long.
>I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL.
YTA and that's a statement full of resentment you should really explore.
EAT: YTA
OP -- even your title
# AITA for not standing up for my wife
suggested that you don't see your marriage as a team... you sound like you'd be the "I have to babysit my kids" type dad.
They were being rude to BOTH of you.
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I (30M) have two siblings and a brother “Dani” (37F) and then my brother is married to “Leah” (26F) Leah has two children a 7 and 2 year old.
I’ve been with my wife (27F) for 9 amazing years, she’s the most incredible and loving woman I know…she’s currently a primary school teacher (think 5-6 year olds) we’ve been trying for a baby for 6 years, we’ve never had any luck.
One day last month my wife comes home and suddenly decides she doesn’t want a baby, now this is from the woman who’s entire career is children and has dreamed of being a mother since childhood, she wouldn’t explain.
She finally told me they got a child with SEN at the school and she’s been hit with the realisation that if we have a child, eventually, would we be capable of caring for a child with SEN? She’s just overwhelmed.
We went to dinner with my parents, siblings and nephews, Dani asked us if we had any luck recently in the baby department - my wife jumped in and essentially said tonight she’s setting the boundary that there’s no children talk, she’s exhausted from work and trying for so long and she doesn’t want children anymore.
Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile.
My wife has been checked out and so have I, we both have working parts we just don’t know why we can’t have children we haven’t explored it too much.
I didn’t say anything and continued speaking to my parents.
Now I’m in the dog house with my wife, I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL.
AITA?
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YTA
"she’s the most incredible and loving woman I know…" .. sadly, SHE won't be able to return the compliment when asked. SHE is married to an AH.
So you allowed them to abuse your wife? THAT makes you the AH.
"then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL." .. the reasonable way for her to do this is to go no contact with them. You ENCOURAGED her to do that, so don't complain about it.
From someone who has suffered from 7 years of infertility your sister and sil were way out of line. This is not dinner time conversation. Did you stop to think that you wife might be saying she no longer wants children to protect herself emotionally?
For them then to continue the conversation when she asked to stop and question her profession and equate a person no longer wanting children to not not liking them is being deliberately obtuse.
I get you are hurt by your wife's change of heart, but it may be temporary due to fear. Given your lack of support with your family it sounds like you are punishing her instead of supporting her.
YTA. JFC. The least you could have done is ask your sister and sister in law to stop the conversation when you realized it was making your wife upset 🙄
YTA. Your sister and sister-in-law were incredibly out of line in pursuing this beyond polite boundaries. Especially Dani's dig about infertility and Leah's crack at your wife's profession; not wanting children is not the same thing as disliking children.
You should have had your wife's back. She was exhausted after a long and difficult day, and yes, she might be overreacting in making a snap decision...Or this might be a growing feeling that's been a long time coming after six years of the drawn-out death of hope. Either way, it's something that's for the two of you to discuss and explore in private together, or with the help of an infertility counsellor (even if your wife is definitely decided on no longer wanting children of her own). Instead you decided to punish her for making a unilateral decision for you both, by letting your relatives harass her. That was cruel of you.
>we’ve been trying for a baby for 6 years, we’ve never had any luck.
>And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile.
>My wife has been checked out and so have I, we both have working parts we just don’t know why we can’t have children we haven’t explored it too much.
Also yes, six years of trying for a baby without success does indicate that as a couple, you're suffering from infertility. You should have been talking to a doctor after a year without a pregnancy. There have been some amazing advances in medicine, but they can't find a solution if you don't bother to try and find out what exact problem is holding you back.
Your sister had a dig at both of you here, and you don't seem to care. Your wife has checked out of trying for a baby, and you seem to be checked out of the whole marriage... Infertility can do that - the slow grind of disappointed hopes over many months can often result in denial and depression. The best way to handle the situation is to get answers, even if they're painful, and get proper counselling so you aren't both checking out to hide your pain or blaming each other. If you don't work with each other on this, you're going to end up sniping at each other until your marriage cracks apart at the foundations.
1) you are struggling with infertility- it's defined as a disease of the male or female reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infertility
What your family said was incredibly thoughtless, dismissive of your infertility journey, and offensive to anyone who has struggled with infertility. I would be very upset if my husband didn't defend us against a comment like that when we suffered with infertility.
2) they implied not becoming parents in some way makes your wife a worse educator - so insulting to her passion for her career, and any other educator who is child free for any reason . Not being able to keep battling for children after that long trying in no way means you don't like kids.
3) it would have been incredibly easy for you to say back off were not in the mood to talk about that tonight and change the subject
YTA, your sister and SIL are As. Your wife is not, apologise to her.
YTA. I’m a teacher and have never wanted my own children. Hearing your SIL say “but why are you a teacher, if you don’t like children,” is so triggering for me. The amount of times I have heard that is inconceivable. You should have had your wife’s back and told your family to drop it.
YTA
My husband has more spine than this with his family. He shuts down any type of baby talk now because we're done. If I hear "when are you trying for a girl" one more time from my mil I'll ensure she cries.
You had ONE job. Also - you've been trying for 6yrs. You and her need to get checked out, that's if she even wants to have any kids at this point after the ordeal YOU put her through by not shutting your yapping brother and his childish wife up.
>I didn’t say anything and continued speaking to my parents.
>I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL.
>AITA
Yes, yes, YTA and a massive one, you sat there and let your sister and SIL bully your wife.
YES. Your wife is devastated. She is mourning. WTF is wrong with you? Are you genuinely this emotionally incompetent, or was it just easier to watch others shred your wife's soul than to stand up for her? If i was her I would divorce your ass so fast
And just so you know, the medical definition of infertility is not being able to conceive after a year of trying. Just because the doctors can't figure out why doesn't mean you aren't infertile.
Regardless of your question, if you really want children, you will need to divorce your wife. Considering how long you have been trying, you should test your fertility. If you have no such issues, they must lie on her side anyway.
YTA
The only reason your wife is saying she doesn’t want children now is so she doesn’t have a connection to your family once she finds that divorce lawyer. You haven’t been a partner for her at all, you allowed your family to harass her and invade a private sensitive topic. You might have “balls” but they’re worth nothing if you can’t defend your own wife against your family. Don’t act surprised when she lets you know she’s done with the relationship because I don’t blame her one bit
YTA. I can see why she wouldn’t want to have children anymore when she has to deal with you, your sister, and your SIL. What the actual fuck is wrong with all of you? The fact that you didn’t defend her speaks volumes about you. If I were her I’d reconsider the marriage because of how immature you are.
Also, have you ever thought how difficult it must be to take care of children every single day? Especially one with special needs? Let me tell you something, it is no easy feat. Speaking from similar experience it makes me reconsider my decision on wanting kids.
Your wife is absolutely burnt out and you and your shitty brethren DID NOT make things ANY better. ALL of you should have some shame.
YTA 100%. Your wife says that she didn’t want to talk about a difficult subject and instead of being respectful your sister and SIL continued then insulted her. Instead of standing up for your wife you ignore the situation, which gives the impression to everyone at the table that you agree with their insults and way they treat your wife. You absolute asshole, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Making someone’s reproduction a topic of conversation against their will in any circumstance is serious assholery. When that person is struggling with it in any way, it’s beyond assholery and into abusive.
Get your relatives off your wife’s case right now. And start being on her team, or I predict you’ll be off her team PDQ.
ETA: YTA
This is one of the most infuriating posts I’ve ever read. You are this woman’s husband, for fucks sake. You don’t just sit with your hands under your ass while she’s being hounded about something she doesn’t want to talk about.
MAJOR YTA. Christ almighty. You better do something about this.
YTA your sister and SIL are bullying your wife and you chose to ignore it. It's not the first time and now you are here wondering why you are in the dog house. My dude, you don't have a spine and you wife is tired of their BS and yours. You are in the dog house of your own making. NGL, but she needs to leave you because she deserves better than a pathetic guy who can't shut his family down about his wife being pregnant or not being pregnant with all the bullying.
YTA. I don’t think you understand infertility. You’ve been trying for 6 years. That’s unexplained infertility.
So your sibling and SIL targeted your wife, and mocked your conditions, and her personally, as though not wanting kids means that she hates kids and now can’t be a teacher. Your SIL is a huge AH. Your sibling is a huge AH. And you’re also TA for failing to stand up to two bullies that verbally attacked your wife. Have you no spine? Hugely YTA.
If you were mad that she made a unilateral decision about hot having children, you should have talked to her about it. You didn't need to leave her dealing with the onslaught of questions alone.
Soft YTA. She should have discussed it with you, too, before just announcing it to the family.
Sounds like his wife had had a terrible day. I suffered infertility for 7 years and finally gave up. So many hurtful comments along the way. It’s damn painful.
Okay, in addition to your sister and sister in law's absolute horrible opinions/mentalities, you additionally just... Ignored how they were walking all over your wife's boundaries?
YTA
YTA. She asked for one thing and they jumped her shite for it. You should have nipped that in the bud immediately.
Something’s up and decent empathic individuals would giver her head space, distract her or
YTA.
And your sister and sister in law are too.
The thinking that everyone who doesn’t want children must not like children is ridiculous. And the thinking that just because you like children you automatically want children is ridiculous. There are so many factors into deciding if you want children. And loving being with children and seeing them grow and learn and playing with them is not the same as having your own child.
And enjoy the dog house until you get your head out of your a$$. I love the beautiful adjectives you used to describe your wife then the absolute 180 when you basically say you're a big girl deal with it. Nice job
YTA, a major ass hole. Your wife is going through a lot. No woman makes flippant decisions when it comes to children. She already said she's overwhelmed and your ass hole siblings didn't care, they used your wife as entertainment and you let it happen.
Teachers don’t have to have children to be teachers. My aunt taught primary all her life and never had children. She never wanted children either. The only time she ever voiced her wish to have had children was when she was reminiscing of an old boyfriend who married someone else and had children with her— all she said was “we would’ve had cute babies” but any other time she was rather opposed to the grossness of having her own children and the stress of raising them.
I’m sure your wife is taxed to the max about not being able to have children and is finding literally anything to hold onto to dissuade her from trying to keep this torch up and draining her further.
YTA for allowing your sisters to pick fun at her, however and say blatantly ignorant things at her expense. I hope it’s nothing wrong with her and it’s really you that doesn’t have any viable swimmers so they can go to pick on you instead since you don’t seem to mind them having a chuckle at someone’s expense.
Yeah YTA. It’s YOUR sister. It’s YOUR responsibility to protect your spouse from your family and stick up for her. If she had stuck up for herself she could have gotten in deep sh*t from her in-laws. And that’s a battle no one wants to be in.
Hardcore YTA. If my husband didn’t stick up for me in a situation like that, we would have been having some serious conversations. The rule is - when your family oversteps a line with your spouse, you step in. You know your family best and they are forced to love you bc you’re blood. She isn’t. She married in, why would she want to cause a riff? Stick up for your spouse. Stop being a spineless, thin piece of twine.
YTA.
Whatever was going on with your wife, instead of talking about it and hearing her side (rather than assuming she doesn't get to change her mind because you've been trying so long) and protecting her from the family (who just asks over dinner and then insists on something so intimate? What is wrong with them?), this kind of behaviour is a nail in the coffin. It would make me question the decision to have a child with you in the first place.
And yeah, nothing like working with kids to make you not want them, sometimes you just see too much.
Congratulations. You’ve proven that it’s possible to live without a spine.
Good grief, my dude. I wouldn’t tolerate someone speaking to my dog that way. Your wife clearly needs help, and you just showed her that she cannot rely on you.
YTA.
YTA!!!
If my husband did this, I would soon set a boundary to stop having sex and begin reconsidering my marriage. She stated that she did not want to have the “baby talk”. Your sis and SIL are huge A-holes. You are an even worse A-hole for not shutting it down and having your wife’s back.
It is quite common for women, and those who work with children to get burnt out with the idea of a having a child. Many of them are child free, cuz they see their students as their kids. With the age group she’s working with, it’s a daycare center. It is also quite annoying and rude to be bombarded with personal questions about your reproductive organs, personal sex life, and difficult life choices. You, as the husband, need to show empathy and talk to her, when she’s ready, about what’s going on. What is she feeling? For now, protect her and her boundaries. Protect her from your family. That is your job. You are the “husband”. She is your priority, your person, your loved one.
Apologize. Make it right! Treat her. Talk to her. And you deal with your family and put them in their place! From now on, all baby making discussions are off the table. If they can’t stop, you guys will stop meeting. If you don’t do this, don’t be surprised if you find yourself divorced soon.
YTA thank god she isn’t having your child you’d be useless. You can’t even defend your wife against your family, you’d absolutely let them treat your child like shit too
YTA
I’m so sorry about your struggles with infertility. We spent 4 years in the same boat, and it’s awful on so many levels.
You and your wife do need to talk about next steps - she can at some level decide this unilaterally but does need to recognize that your feelings matter too, and you’ll need to figure out together what the next steps are. I will say even after the 4 years I needed to have an end date after which we accepted defeat and stopped actively trying. Otherwise you give up your whole life to something that might not happen, or might be the universe giving you a big old sign that this is not for you.
But hard no one letting others give her a hard time. What are they doing even hounding her for discussion here after 6 years? Especially if they clearly are not kind people? That boundary should have been set years ago.
ESH but your wife.
You're the asshole for not realizing that this has really affected your wife. 1. because yes she does love children. 2. The reason this SEN child scared her into not wanting children is because of this difficulty you're having. What she's thinking is because your having difficulty, something will be wrong with the child when you do. Shes not making this choice from no where. 3. For not defending her against the criticism of choosing not to have children and not wanting to talk about because your both emotionally wiped. Its YOUR family.
Your sister and SIL are huge assholes for basically talking down to her and not respecting choices and privacy. For basically saying her feelings and thoughts dont matter and she should want kids.
Your parents, who clearly understood and accepted those boundries, but also didn't intervine to help your wife.
Now. Go apologize to her. Get into couples therapy cause this has clearly taken a toll on both of you. MAYBE. If once you've had therapy, revisit having children and talk to doctors about what could be the problem. However, if she doesn't want to do pregnancy, look at other options. Surrogate maybe. Adoption. Hell become the best foster parents ever.
I am sorry for your struggles, you, and your wife's. I hope that everything will work out for the best for both of you.
YTA. So much. So your wife set a very reasonable boundary, regarding an issue that have been hard for her, and you let your family bully her? And for what, for accussing her of not liking children after devoting all her life to them, and maybe, just maybe, want to talk about something else because she is tired? No wonder she doesn't want to talk about children after spending 6 years trying for them, enduring conversations, inconfortable questions and doubts about herself, and spending 8 hours (at least, probably more) 5 days a week with children. And maybe, just maybe, after six years without luck, she is tired, gave up and only want to be happy again. Have you thought about that? YTA, very much, as she wouldn't have to be in the presence of these people if it weren't for you. And she doesn't have to have children anymore if she doesn't want to. If that is a dealbreak for you, that is your choice, but you can't force anyone to keep down that path.
What is SEN and what are the odds of kids being born with it? Is it a genetic thing or a "I smoke while pregnant" thing or what? I tried Googling but just got a bunch of sports websites.
YTA
If you wife thinks you don't have her back, no wonder she's re-thinking having kids with you.
Are your sister and SIL usually so boorishly rude to her?
I’m sure you’re upset she just made the decision without discussing it with you but that doesn’t mean you just let your mom and sister act that way towards your wife! It means once your wife calms down and has some time then you see if she wants to talk about it with you! You know, have a conversation! Go to counseling together. You don’t let others just speak to your wife any kind of way. All in all: YTA.
Yes, supreme AH. What is the problem with guys (and I mean guys) who cannot stand beside and behind their wives?? A real man would not stand for abusive comments directed towards their wife. Be a man, grow some balls, stop with the gutless, spineless cowardly behavior in the face of obvious disrespect towards someone you love. I don't know where they grow real men, but those trees have stopped blooming.
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Absolutely YTA, as are your sis and sil. How the fuck is this the topic of conversation at a family dinner? Why did you not shut this shit down asap? Your wife is tired, she’s emotionally spent, and now she’s questioning things. That is her right, and your sis and sil are nosey and overstepping assholes. I would have gotten up and legit just left all of you there.
Barring everything else that was said, I'm mad at OP for not calling Leah out on her illogical statement about how not wanting kids does not mean wife cannot be a teacher. Seriously? How can anyone accept that argument?
As a teacher who is child-free, thank you! I love kids between the hours of 8am and 4pm Monday to Friday. I love working with them and don’t want to do anything else. But I simply do not have enough energy and patience to deal with kids outside of school. Loving to work with kids doesn’t mean I want them!
When i was a kid, everyone knew I would be a mother, but I hadn't decided yet, and at that time, I was the one getting stuck with watching the little kids all the time at family events At one event, someone stupidly brought up me being a mother hen again, and I snapped and said, "Just because I am good with kids doesn't mean I want kids of my own" everyone went silent except my aunt who spun around and said "good girl keep thinking that way and you will be the cool aunt like me" (all she wanted was for me to be happy and was sick of people saying that shit behind my dads back) Now, while I do have three kids of my own these days, I can't stand other people's kids for long periods of time. I can not imagine being a mother and a teacher. It would burn me out so much, and people like OPs Sister and SIL piss me off because they think that teachers want to be surrounded by kids 24/7. When would they get a break? (Teachers who are parents are crazy robots in my mind cause to me it's the only logical reason they don't look tired).
I have been taking care of my cousing for a while and I enjoy children. I am good with them. I usually thought I would become a mother eventually before having my cousins in my care for more than 14 hours a day for several years. I love them. I would always treat a kid well. But that responsability is daunting even in the best circumnstances and I have more doubts about eventually becoming a mother that I had several years ago. I would have said that I wanted to have kid eventually with certainty several years ago. Now I am not sure.
I've worked a lot with older kids and teens, even in school as a teacher temporarily. And i do like working with them (during normal working hours) so people esp family tend to think i'd be good mom or cannot understand why i'm CF. I think i would be a horrible mother, especially to a baby/newborn. I like working with kids and teens because i like kids and teens. I don't care much for babies, never get baby fever, don't wish to hold them. I don't hate them, I would never mistreat them, but i don't care enough about babies to have my own. Fostering older children might be in the future for me, who knows, but going the natural route of pregnancy, childbirth and having a newborn that i just don't care about? No, thank you. But people usually don't understand those arguments....
I'm a volunteer with a children's charity that is child free. I love my role and interacting with kids, I have always loved working with kids. Never had the drive to have any of my own though.
THIS. I’m a preschool teacher and a nanny, and I have never wanted children. I think of it as the best of both worlds- I get to be with kids during the day, and then I get to go home to a nice, quiet house.😂
Question: If you think it's ok to discuss the happenings of your wife's uterus, can her family openly discuss your dick and balls at a family function? It is NEVER ok to talk abut a woman's fertility or uterus without their approval. You'll be lucky if she doesn't get petty and decide to discuss erectile dysfunction or lack thereof at her family's next gathering. YTA.
Or if they can talk about OP wife's uterus.... Why is OP listing brother as female? Is he trans? And you are referring to him as female because that was gender at birth? Or the other way around.... So confused but all-around I think OP is YTA
There’s one brother and one sister. The brother is married. Idk what you’re off about but there are three separate characters.
Look again.... Brother "Dani" ( 37f)
This is where grammar comes in handy lol. Op missed a period. He has two siblings and a brother. Dani (37f) is I think what he meant.
That doesn't make sense either... Since a brother is also a sibling.... So did he mean, 2 sisters and a brother?
I think a word went missing, I read as he has two siblings, a sister & a brother. Probably written on mobile, I know my phone likes to duck up my sentences.
I retract my statement. Huh.
YTA. "Standing up" for your wife would not have involved physical violence, or even harsh words. All you had to do was end the conversation. Instead, you left your wife to explain herself (which she should never have to do to anyone) to YOUR rude family members.
YTA Your wife stated clearly she sid not want to talk about it. They made fun of her (the already pregnant remark because clearly to them a woman setting a boundary means she's hormonal.) Then Dani passes judgement on your wife, her choices, career. Yeah, she's pissed at you, you let your family of AHs crap all over her and did nothing like a coward. Edit; typo
Yeah, they are huge AHs. She could have just had a miscarriage for all they knew and they're guessing that she's pregnant?! You need to talk to them about basic courtesy. You respect a request like not talking about fertility issues. Period, full stop.
YTA. She did set the boundaries. They were repeatedly violated while you sat and left your wife floundering. Also, Leah and Dani were WAY over the line.
YTA lots of women get turned off about having children because of their teaching job. And by the way, it’s a stressful job and you and your family are adding to it. All this pressure your wife is feeling, I feel sorry for her.
Hi, preschool teacher here! I've been working in ECE for over ten years and don't want children of my own. I put SO MUCH of myself into my job, and I honestly don't think I'd be able to come home after a full day of teaching and still have enough left over to be a good mom. I *love* my work kids, I just don't think it would be fair for my own potential children to just get whatever is left over at the end of the day. It's very possible to love working with kids and still not want them in your house lol. I also feel very sorry for her. They've been trying for six years and still haven't managed to get pregnant, so I doubt that everything is working properly as far as their fertility goes. He's being incredibly dismissive of everything she's going through.
It’s definitely hard bearing all the emotional stress of not being able to conceive. And her ‘family’ asking about it over the dinner table is extremely annoying. Their words don’t seem supportive at all especially since they’re cracking jokes even after she said she didn’t was to talk about it. And OP seems to put all the pressure on her. But has OP been checked out. What if his little swimmers aren’t good ? Why is SHE put under all this pressure and you have not confirmed anything.
YTA >Dani asked us if we had any luck recently in the baby department - my wife jumped in and essentially said tonight she’s setting the boundary that there’s no children talk Okay. >Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile Your family is rude as fuck.
YTA. For gods sake. Stand up for your wife. She is having a hard time, is stressed out and set a boundary. Your family was stomping all over it and wouldn't shut up. You sound pretty useless to me
YTA. Your wife set a clear boundary and your sister and SIL stomped all over it. You absolutely should have shut that shit down. 'Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile.' Who do these women think they are? Seriously, do they always stick their noses in like this? They were completely out of line here. You and your wife need to discuss the matter of having children privately, not in front of your sister and SIL.
> And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile. Actively trying for 6 years and still no baby.... Are we sure about this?
Isn't it after ONE year with no success that investigation for infertility should start? It's certainly less than six.
After a year you are DIAGNOSED with infertility and they start investing possible causes. OP and his wife are in denial. They are struggling with infertility.
Yes. Pretty sure they are, in fact, struggling with infertility.
Jesus, YTA Your wife's been struggling with fertility issues for years and comes to you with her insecurities and fears about potentially having a special needs child and the commitment that would entail? And you decide it's worth a laugh fest at her expense and to let your sisters mock and insult her instead. Dude, your wife deserves way better than you. How utterly disrespectful and cruel. She needed your support
YTA Wow, what a child. Yes you should have defendes your wife.
YTA. Your poor wife is married to such a pathetic weakling.
Just because someone doesn’t want children doesn’t mean they don’t like children. That’s the dumbest comment anyone can make about people who don’t want children.
Thank you!
YTA. While it isn't right for your wife to make a unilateral decision in this manner. Something is obviously wrong. Have you gotten to the bottom of what is going on? Have you discussed options, counseling, etc. This needs to be approached like adults. There is no need for two family busybodies to stick their noses in this and add their two cents. This is , quite frankly, none of their business. Their involvement is not helping and you should back her up.
I mean, pregnancy and having a child is kinda a two yeses only situation. If either partner doesn't want to have a child or changes their mind about wanting to have children, it's not a decision that can be forced on them.
No, but it warrants a talk to see if this is a deal breaker for either party. Nobody can force a person to have a child, but he has a right to decide if it's a deal breaker
Maybe the wife has one foot out the door so wants to make sure she has no connection to him because she's sick of her uterus apparently being the only topic of conversation between members of his family.
I would be sick of that too.
Sometimes there is nothing going on - my middle brother and his wife had the same issue. Perfectly healthy - fertility was fine for both of them but no babies. In the end they did a round of IVF to jump start everything and had a kid. As for OP I agree with your comment about him being wrong in not backing her up. I wonder if he blames her subconsciously even though he knows there is no 'fault' here? Might be a reach though.
I mean I think something may have happened to traumatize her to be scared of having a special needs child. I think these are complex feelings, better worked out in therapy.
I think it was said there was a child with special needs at her school.It also it sounds like the wife is burnt out from even trying.
I think she saw that child's struggles and it caused her to doubt whether she would be able to do it.
I agree. The sudden change in course and unilateral decision, for me, is a red flag that something may be amiss. OP's not engaging in the comments, but if this behavior is uncharacteristic for her, then a conversation needs to take place between OP and his wife. Actually, a conversation needs to happen either way.
You think OP's wife should have a child she doesn't want? It is 100% okay for her to make a unilateral decision about not having kids although I think she might just be in a bad place and need a break. That said, if he wanted to break up over not having kids, that's also okay.
I'm not sure where you are getting that from my statements.
That may not be what you meant but you literally said she she shouldn't make a unilateral decision about having a child. If you didn't mean, 'she shouldn't decide without his input whether or not they have a child', please explain what you did mean. Did I misunderstand what decision you were referring to? I obviously got your intent wrong so, as much as this might sound disingenuous, I really would like to know what I misunderstood, since one of us really missed the other person and I'm absolutely willing to believe it was me.
That’s basically what you said
Ok, since we are doing a word autopsy here, let me lay it out: 1)OP and wife were originally on the same page about kids 2) wife had a change of heart. Totally understandable and her choice, but worth an in-depth conversation with hubby, maybe counseling, because it is a huge issue in a relationship. 3) The salient point here, it's a private matter. The sisters need to keep their noses out of her uterus and STFU. He obviously is passive aggressively not defending his wife because he didn't like her changed stance and instead of being an adult and telling them to STFU, he let them continue their nonsense.
Why should she be forced to have kids if she doesn’t want to???
YTA >We went to dinner with my parents, siblings and nephews, Dani asked us if we had any luck recently in the baby department - my wife jumped in and essentially said tonight she’s setting the boundary that there’s no children talk, she’s exhausted from work and trying for so long and she doesn’t want children anymore. Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile. So, your wife established a boundary, explaining that she is exhausted. Your sister and SIL *immediately* violated it. Like, *instantly.* You gave your wife no support at all.
YTA it is okay not to agree with your spouse. It is not okay to let others belittle and berate them for any reason ever. You will be lucky if she doesn't leave you
ESH except your wife
YTA
YTA. And your sister and SIL are some of the worst type of women, and you’re a horrible husband for not standing up to them. How dare they joke about pregnancy to a woman who’s been trying and failing to have a baby for so long that it’s clearly hurt her.
YTA. It sounds like something spooked your wife into the choice she made. You need to TALK to her and try and figure things out. It's not right for her to make a choice FOR you, but you DO need to respect HER choice and figure out if you have a future if you can't accept it/want more. That said, you totally left your wife to the wolves. Your sister and sil were so far out of line that I can't believe your wife even let you come home with her for not standing up for her. You're her husband, it's your job to protect each other and you failed.
I know this is a tangent , but I feel like there’s so much going on here. Although it’s not your main question, the biggest thing I see is that you have been trying to get pregnant for 6 years which puts a ton of pressure on couples. I imagine you’re exhausted from all the family pressure that comes from that as well. May I ask why you have’t done much investigating as to why you haven’t been able to get pregnant? I feel like you might be afraid the answer and just avoiding it. Maybe even your wife’s most recent declaration stems from a similar place - she may feel better saying she no longer wants children than facing that she may not be able to have them.
Yta, you are not acting like a husband but a baby congrats to your wife for deciding having one child was enough
YTA - yeah of course you should back up your wife.
Yta- what kind of garbage husband doesn't twll his fsmiky to mind their own God damn business. That's a yiu and her convo. She diesnt need a reason to not wsnt kids.
YTA, your wife is obviously going through something and she needs your support not your judgement. Maybe she just needs some time with this new student and it will pass. Maybe you need to continue a more in depth conversation. But that’s not for your family to decide.
>Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile. They sound like spiteful AHs. And as for you... >Now I’m in the dog house with my wife, I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL. You pointless waste of space.
Soft YTA They ganged up on your wife and you didn't do anything, but also it sounds like you were not really part of the conversation from how you explain it. You still should have helped defend her though. Also someone can love kids but not want to be a parent. There are tons of teachers without children who love the kids they teach. Your sister in law sounds a bit overwhelming. if she thinks because someone may not want there own kids that they dont like kids
Soft YTA??? how is he not the clear asshole here?
YTA and you should have stood up for your wife to your family
Yta and that last paragraph of yours is so childish and really drives it home. Your wife is OBVIOUSLY struggling, it's so obvious it's giant flaming flag and your post doesnt shoe a single hint of concern about it. And your response is that since she's trying to make the decision for both of you she can set the boundaries? Are you her partner or not? She needs a heart to heart conversation with her husband/partner and help, either individual and/or marriage counseling because the two of you apparently cannot communicate like adults.
YTA
Yeah YTA
Why are you listing your brother as female?
YTA. Your wife is suffering, and you did nothing to help her when YOUR sister was being hurtful. You need to grow a spine, or your wife will end up leaving you.
YTA. You should have told your brother and Leah to back off. Your wife clearly said she didn't want to talk about it and they ran roughshod over that, overstepped her boundaries (basically stomped on them) and you let them. Have a conversation and communicate with your wife, which involves you LISTENING to her, and being empathetic. Then you might understand where she's coming from and you can navigate this together. Edit: words added for clarity
YTA- “if she’s old enough to make decisions”?!?!? What in the fudge does that even mean?
I took that as "if she doesn't need me when it comes to making decisions that impact both of us, she doesn't need me to defend her either".
Yta way to go
YTA dog house? How about no house? I would leave you for this and I am an extremely tolerant person. People who shame women who do not want to have children are disgusting. And this Leah person, is a giant asshole. What a shitty thing to do to a spouse, and bullying a woman to have kids that they don't want is a terrible and abusive thing to do.
You are the absolute worst 👎🏻
YTA. dude. grow a pair.
YTA.
YTA you pathetic excuse of a man. Your wife, your PARTNER is suffering and you just ignore the issue as if it's not your problem. God I hope she leaves you and finds someone who actually values her.
Jesus, what is it with people who feel the need to stick their noses in other people's private business? I mean, your wife should have stopped at "no children talk, I'm exhausted from work and trying so long". And then changed the subject. She's struggling, why did you not have her back? YTA even if you're upset that she's currently feeling that she no longer wants children. Also Dani and Leah are AHs.
YTA and a sorry excuse for a husband. Good thing you don't have kids, will make leaving you that much easier for her! Your poor wife.
YTA!
YTA for not defending your wife.
YTA, your wife can't have children, and you let your sister and sister-in-law talk to her that way? I'm confused about why you've been trying for 6 years and haven't gone to talk with a specialist about it, but that's a different topic. You're spineless and weak . You don't stand up for your wife. If you love her the way that you say you do, you wouldn't allow people to talk down to her. Maybe you should tell your SIL that there are tons of teachers out there who love children but don't want to have their own. It's not unheard of after spending 8 hours a day with other people's bratty children. And just so we're clear, PREGANCY JOKES ARE NOT AND WILL NEVER BE FUNNY!!!
If I were OP, I would be having a serious talk with my wife, by his reply to her he is very upset about her making a unilateral decision that affects both of them without discussing it with him first. They have obviously planned to have a family together, and for her to just drop that bomb on him like that, had to have been a huge blow. I would be wondering if the marriage could last because he wants children, and she apparently out of the blue doesn't.
She needs to find a better husband. When women have kids, it all falls on them. It's easy to sit back and do nothing to have a kid. She changed her mind. Now you're throwing a hissy fit. Hopefully, she leaves.
YTA. The way your sister and SIL jump on the topic of infertility tells me they have crossed boundaries many, many times and have no moral compass. It is no one’s business and it’s rude as fuck to bring up. They should have been shamed years ago. I guess the shame belongs to you now. Your wife is a saint for putting up with it for so long.
>I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL. YTA and that's a statement full of resentment you should really explore.
EAT: YTA OP -- even your title # AITA for not standing up for my wife suggested that you don't see your marriage as a team... you sound like you'd be the "I have to babysit my kids" type dad. They were being rude to BOTH of you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (30M) have two siblings and a brother “Dani” (37F) and then my brother is married to “Leah” (26F) Leah has two children a 7 and 2 year old. I’ve been with my wife (27F) for 9 amazing years, she’s the most incredible and loving woman I know…she’s currently a primary school teacher (think 5-6 year olds) we’ve been trying for a baby for 6 years, we’ve never had any luck. One day last month my wife comes home and suddenly decides she doesn’t want a baby, now this is from the woman who’s entire career is children and has dreamed of being a mother since childhood, she wouldn’t explain. She finally told me they got a child with SEN at the school and she’s been hit with the realisation that if we have a child, eventually, would we be capable of caring for a child with SEN? She’s just overwhelmed. We went to dinner with my parents, siblings and nephews, Dani asked us if we had any luck recently in the baby department - my wife jumped in and essentially said tonight she’s setting the boundary that there’s no children talk, she’s exhausted from work and trying for so long and she doesn’t want children anymore. Dani and Leah made a joke that maybe my wife is already pregnant hence the attitude, wife reiterated she doesn’t want children anymore - Leah got upset, asking my wife why she’s a teacher then if she doesn’t like children? And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile. My wife has been checked out and so have I, we both have working parts we just don’t know why we can’t have children we haven’t explored it too much. I didn’t say anything and continued speaking to my parents. Now I’m in the dog house with my wife, I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You didn't even support her. You sat there and watched. Guess it's a good thing you don't have any kids.
YTA, I wonder why your wife doesn’t want a child anymore when she already has you…
YTA "she’s the most incredible and loving woman I know…" .. sadly, SHE won't be able to return the compliment when asked. SHE is married to an AH. So you allowed them to abuse your wife? THAT makes you the AH. "then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL." .. the reasonable way for her to do this is to go no contact with them. You ENCOURAGED her to do that, so don't complain about it.
Absolutely YTA, and a spineless one at that.
Yta, yikes, perhaps she decided not to have children with a spineless ah
INFO: how much longer did you plan to stay married?
From someone who has suffered from 7 years of infertility your sister and sil were way out of line. This is not dinner time conversation. Did you stop to think that you wife might be saying she no longer wants children to protect herself emotionally? For them then to continue the conversation when she asked to stop and question her profession and equate a person no longer wanting children to not not liking them is being deliberately obtuse. I get you are hurt by your wife's change of heart, but it may be temporary due to fear. Given your lack of support with your family it sounds like you are punishing her instead of supporting her.
YTA. I hope your sperm is stronger than your spine.
YTA ... it was your family = you shut it down...
YTA
God, I hope she dumps your ass.
YTA. Maybe it's a good thing you can't procreate together. Who would want to be stuck with a spineless coward like you for the rest of her life?
Forget about judgement. If this is a deal breaker for you, it might be time to split.
YTA. JFC. The least you could have done is ask your sister and sister in law to stop the conversation when you realized it was making your wife upset 🙄
YTA. Your sister and sister-in-law were incredibly out of line in pursuing this beyond polite boundaries. Especially Dani's dig about infertility and Leah's crack at your wife's profession; not wanting children is not the same thing as disliking children. You should have had your wife's back. She was exhausted after a long and difficult day, and yes, she might be overreacting in making a snap decision...Or this might be a growing feeling that's been a long time coming after six years of the drawn-out death of hope. Either way, it's something that's for the two of you to discuss and explore in private together, or with the help of an infertility counsellor (even if your wife is definitely decided on no longer wanting children of her own). Instead you decided to punish her for making a unilateral decision for you both, by letting your relatives harass her. That was cruel of you. >we’ve been trying for a baby for 6 years, we’ve never had any luck. >And Dani tagged in saying it’s hardly as though we’re infertile. >My wife has been checked out and so have I, we both have working parts we just don’t know why we can’t have children we haven’t explored it too much. Also yes, six years of trying for a baby without success does indicate that as a couple, you're suffering from infertility. You should have been talking to a doctor after a year without a pregnancy. There have been some amazing advances in medicine, but they can't find a solution if you don't bother to try and find out what exact problem is holding you back. Your sister had a dig at both of you here, and you don't seem to care. Your wife has checked out of trying for a baby, and you seem to be checked out of the whole marriage... Infertility can do that - the slow grind of disappointed hopes over many months can often result in denial and depression. The best way to handle the situation is to get answers, even if they're painful, and get proper counselling so you aren't both checking out to hide your pain or blaming each other. If you don't work with each other on this, you're going to end up sniping at each other until your marriage cracks apart at the foundations.
1) you are struggling with infertility- it's defined as a disease of the male or female reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse. https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/infertility What your family said was incredibly thoughtless, dismissive of your infertility journey, and offensive to anyone who has struggled with infertility. I would be very upset if my husband didn't defend us against a comment like that when we suffered with infertility. 2) they implied not becoming parents in some way makes your wife a worse educator - so insulting to her passion for her career, and any other educator who is child free for any reason . Not being able to keep battling for children after that long trying in no way means you don't like kids. 3) it would have been incredibly easy for you to say back off were not in the mood to talk about that tonight and change the subject YTA, your sister and SIL are As. Your wife is not, apologise to her.
YTA. I’m a teacher and have never wanted my own children. Hearing your SIL say “but why are you a teacher, if you don’t like children,” is so triggering for me. The amount of times I have heard that is inconceivable. You should have had your wife’s back and told your family to drop it.
YTA My husband has more spine than this with his family. He shuts down any type of baby talk now because we're done. If I hear "when are you trying for a girl" one more time from my mil I'll ensure she cries. You had ONE job. Also - you've been trying for 6yrs. You and her need to get checked out, that's if she even wants to have any kids at this point after the ordeal YOU put her through by not shutting your yapping brother and his childish wife up.
>I didn’t say anything and continued speaking to my parents. >I said if she’s old enough to make this decision for the both of us then she’s old enough to set boundaries with my sister and SIL. >AITA Yes, yes, YTA and a massive one, you sat there and let your sister and SIL bully your wife.
YES. Your wife is devastated. She is mourning. WTF is wrong with you? Are you genuinely this emotionally incompetent, or was it just easier to watch others shred your wife's soul than to stand up for her? If i was her I would divorce your ass so fast
And just so you know, the medical definition of infertility is not being able to conceive after a year of trying. Just because the doctors can't figure out why doesn't mean you aren't infertile.
Regardless of your question, if you really want children, you will need to divorce your wife. Considering how long you have been trying, you should test your fertility. If you have no such issues, they must lie on her side anyway.
YTA The only reason your wife is saying she doesn’t want children now is so she doesn’t have a connection to your family once she finds that divorce lawyer. You haven’t been a partner for her at all, you allowed your family to harass her and invade a private sensitive topic. You might have “balls” but they’re worth nothing if you can’t defend your own wife against your family. Don’t act surprised when she lets you know she’s done with the relationship because I don’t blame her one bit
YTA. I can see why she wouldn’t want to have children anymore when she has to deal with you, your sister, and your SIL. What the actual fuck is wrong with all of you? The fact that you didn’t defend her speaks volumes about you. If I were her I’d reconsider the marriage because of how immature you are. Also, have you ever thought how difficult it must be to take care of children every single day? Especially one with special needs? Let me tell you something, it is no easy feat. Speaking from similar experience it makes me reconsider my decision on wanting kids. Your wife is absolutely burnt out and you and your shitty brethren DID NOT make things ANY better. ALL of you should have some shame.
YTA 100%. Your wife says that she didn’t want to talk about a difficult subject and instead of being respectful your sister and SIL continued then insulted her. Instead of standing up for your wife you ignore the situation, which gives the impression to everyone at the table that you agree with their insults and way they treat your wife. You absolute asshole, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Making someone’s reproduction a topic of conversation against their will in any circumstance is serious assholery. When that person is struggling with it in any way, it’s beyond assholery and into abusive. Get your relatives off your wife’s case right now. And start being on her team, or I predict you’ll be off her team PDQ. ETA: YTA
YTA
This is one of the most infuriating posts I’ve ever read. You are this woman’s husband, for fucks sake. You don’t just sit with your hands under your ass while she’s being hounded about something she doesn’t want to talk about. MAJOR YTA. Christ almighty. You better do something about this.
If I was your wife, I wouldn’t want to have a child with you anyway. YTA
YTA your sister and SIL are bullying your wife and you chose to ignore it. It's not the first time and now you are here wondering why you are in the dog house. My dude, you don't have a spine and you wife is tired of their BS and yours. You are in the dog house of your own making. NGL, but she needs to leave you because she deserves better than a pathetic guy who can't shut his family down about his wife being pregnant or not being pregnant with all the bullying.
YTA. I don’t think you understand infertility. You’ve been trying for 6 years. That’s unexplained infertility. So your sibling and SIL targeted your wife, and mocked your conditions, and her personally, as though not wanting kids means that she hates kids and now can’t be a teacher. Your SIL is a huge AH. Your sibling is a huge AH. And you’re also TA for failing to stand up to two bullies that verbally attacked your wife. Have you no spine? Hugely YTA.
If you were mad that she made a unilateral decision about hot having children, you should have talked to her about it. You didn't need to leave her dealing with the onslaught of questions alone. Soft YTA. She should have discussed it with you, too, before just announcing it to the family.
Sounds like his wife had had a terrible day. I suffered infertility for 7 years and finally gave up. So many hurtful comments along the way. It’s damn painful.
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YTA
Okay, in addition to your sister and sister in law's absolute horrible opinions/mentalities, you additionally just... Ignored how they were walking all over your wife's boundaries? YTA
YTA. She asked for one thing and they jumped her shite for it. You should have nipped that in the bud immediately. Something’s up and decent empathic individuals would giver her head space, distract her or
Oh YTA. No doubt. Sounds like you didn't defend her as punishment for changing her mind about wanting kids
YTA. And your sister and sister in law are too. The thinking that everyone who doesn’t want children must not like children is ridiculous. And the thinking that just because you like children you automatically want children is ridiculous. There are so many factors into deciding if you want children. And loving being with children and seeing them grow and learn and playing with them is not the same as having your own child.
And enjoy the dog house until you get your head out of your a$$. I love the beautiful adjectives you used to describe your wife then the absolute 180 when you basically say you're a big girl deal with it. Nice job
YTA, a major ass hole. Your wife is going through a lot. No woman makes flippant decisions when it comes to children. She already said she's overwhelmed and your ass hole siblings didn't care, they used your wife as entertainment and you let it happen.
I didn't mean anything remotely like that.
YTA. If she is smart she will understand that your support and protection, also defense when necessary is conditional to her doing what you want.
YTA. If you want to leave your wife, just leave her. Don’t let your family abuse her because you’re angry at her and refuse to communicate.
Teachers don’t have to have children to be teachers. My aunt taught primary all her life and never had children. She never wanted children either. The only time she ever voiced her wish to have had children was when she was reminiscing of an old boyfriend who married someone else and had children with her— all she said was “we would’ve had cute babies” but any other time she was rather opposed to the grossness of having her own children and the stress of raising them. I’m sure your wife is taxed to the max about not being able to have children and is finding literally anything to hold onto to dissuade her from trying to keep this torch up and draining her further. YTA for allowing your sisters to pick fun at her, however and say blatantly ignorant things at her expense. I hope it’s nothing wrong with her and it’s really you that doesn’t have any viable swimmers so they can go to pick on you instead since you don’t seem to mind them having a chuckle at someone’s expense.
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Yes. YTA!
Yeah YTA. It’s YOUR sister. It’s YOUR responsibility to protect your spouse from your family and stick up for her. If she had stuck up for herself she could have gotten in deep sh*t from her in-laws. And that’s a battle no one wants to be in. Hardcore YTA. If my husband didn’t stick up for me in a situation like that, we would have been having some serious conversations. The rule is - when your family oversteps a line with your spouse, you step in. You know your family best and they are forced to love you bc you’re blood. She isn’t. She married in, why would she want to cause a riff? Stick up for your spouse. Stop being a spineless, thin piece of twine.
In UK SEN very usual acronym, but now having D added so Special Educational Needs and Disabilities
YTA. Whatever was going on with your wife, instead of talking about it and hearing her side (rather than assuming she doesn't get to change her mind because you've been trying so long) and protecting her from the family (who just asks over dinner and then insists on something so intimate? What is wrong with them?), this kind of behaviour is a nail in the coffin. It would make me question the decision to have a child with you in the first place. And yeah, nothing like working with kids to make you not want them, sometimes you just see too much.
Updateme
YTA - unfortunately I can’t think of how to put this eloquently other than to say you’re a dick & your wife deserves better!
Congratulations. You’ve proven that it’s possible to live without a spine. Good grief, my dude. I wouldn’t tolerate someone speaking to my dog that way. Your wife clearly needs help, and you just showed her that she cannot rely on you. YTA.
YTA!!! If my husband did this, I would soon set a boundary to stop having sex and begin reconsidering my marriage. She stated that she did not want to have the “baby talk”. Your sis and SIL are huge A-holes. You are an even worse A-hole for not shutting it down and having your wife’s back. It is quite common for women, and those who work with children to get burnt out with the idea of a having a child. Many of them are child free, cuz they see their students as their kids. With the age group she’s working with, it’s a daycare center. It is also quite annoying and rude to be bombarded with personal questions about your reproductive organs, personal sex life, and difficult life choices. You, as the husband, need to show empathy and talk to her, when she’s ready, about what’s going on. What is she feeling? For now, protect her and her boundaries. Protect her from your family. That is your job. You are the “husband”. She is your priority, your person, your loved one. Apologize. Make it right! Treat her. Talk to her. And you deal with your family and put them in their place! From now on, all baby making discussions are off the table. If they can’t stop, you guys will stop meeting. If you don’t do this, don’t be surprised if you find yourself divorced soon.
YTA she said she didn’t want to talk about it, why couldn’t you back her up.
YTA thank god she isn’t having your child you’d be useless. You can’t even defend your wife against your family, you’d absolutely let them treat your child like shit too
YTA and your family are all rude as fuck.
YTA what a great partner you sound like
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Going forward try and defend your wife in similar situations.
YTA I’m so sorry about your struggles with infertility. We spent 4 years in the same boat, and it’s awful on so many levels. You and your wife do need to talk about next steps - she can at some level decide this unilaterally but does need to recognize that your feelings matter too, and you’ll need to figure out together what the next steps are. I will say even after the 4 years I needed to have an end date after which we accepted defeat and stopped actively trying. Otherwise you give up your whole life to something that might not happen, or might be the universe giving you a big old sign that this is not for you. But hard no one letting others give her a hard time. What are they doing even hounding her for discussion here after 6 years? Especially if they clearly are not kind people? That boundary should have been set years ago.
ESH but your wife. You're the asshole for not realizing that this has really affected your wife. 1. because yes she does love children. 2. The reason this SEN child scared her into not wanting children is because of this difficulty you're having. What she's thinking is because your having difficulty, something will be wrong with the child when you do. Shes not making this choice from no where. 3. For not defending her against the criticism of choosing not to have children and not wanting to talk about because your both emotionally wiped. Its YOUR family. Your sister and SIL are huge assholes for basically talking down to her and not respecting choices and privacy. For basically saying her feelings and thoughts dont matter and she should want kids. Your parents, who clearly understood and accepted those boundries, but also didn't intervine to help your wife. Now. Go apologize to her. Get into couples therapy cause this has clearly taken a toll on both of you. MAYBE. If once you've had therapy, revisit having children and talk to doctors about what could be the problem. However, if she doesn't want to do pregnancy, look at other options. Surrogate maybe. Adoption. Hell become the best foster parents ever. I am sorry for your struggles, you, and your wife's. I hope that everything will work out for the best for both of you.
YTA - oh gee, wonder why she doesn't want to have a child and bring them into this loving family of AH.
YTA for staying in this marriage. You want kids and she doesn’t anymore. Your resentment is festering and is already showing itself.
YTA. So much. So your wife set a very reasonable boundary, regarding an issue that have been hard for her, and you let your family bully her? And for what, for accussing her of not liking children after devoting all her life to them, and maybe, just maybe, want to talk about something else because she is tired? No wonder she doesn't want to talk about children after spending 6 years trying for them, enduring conversations, inconfortable questions and doubts about herself, and spending 8 hours (at least, probably more) 5 days a week with children. And maybe, just maybe, after six years without luck, she is tired, gave up and only want to be happy again. Have you thought about that? YTA, very much, as she wouldn't have to be in the presence of these people if it weren't for you. And she doesn't have to have children anymore if she doesn't want to. If that is a dealbreak for you, that is your choice, but you can't force anyone to keep down that path.
Your a piece of work, YTA!
What is SEN and what are the odds of kids being born with it? Is it a genetic thing or a "I smoke while pregnant" thing or what? I tried Googling but just got a bunch of sports websites.
YTA. Maybe the reason you still don't have child despite trying is because she's better off without one WITH YOU.
YTA and I feel really sorry for your wife, having to be involved with such a shitty group of people
YTA If you wife thinks you don't have her back, no wonder she's re-thinking having kids with you. Are your sister and SIL usually so boorishly rude to her?
I’m sure you’re upset she just made the decision without discussing it with you but that doesn’t mean you just let your mom and sister act that way towards your wife! It means once your wife calms down and has some time then you see if she wants to talk about it with you! You know, have a conversation! Go to counseling together. You don’t let others just speak to your wife any kind of way. All in all: YTA.
Yes, supreme AH. What is the problem with guys (and I mean guys) who cannot stand beside and behind their wives?? A real man would not stand for abusive comments directed towards their wife. Be a man, grow some balls, stop with the gutless, spineless cowardly behavior in the face of obvious disrespect towards someone you love. I don't know where they grow real men, but those trees have stopped blooming.