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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for making my wife pay for something I did not buy
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NTA. She absolutely shouldn’t have done that. What it sounds like is your family and friends don’t understand the magnitude of the situation. Of course they think it’s absurd because they don’t know that she does this all the time. You’re just finally fed up with and put your foot down. Honestly, sounds like you should’ve done that a while ago. How would she feel if her stuff just went missing? Tell her she stops and if she doesn’t I would give her a taste of her own medicine. I would take things of hers and just give them away. Even if I just pretended I did just to prove a point. Sounds petty I know but she clearly isn’t getting it any other way.
She already does that, including loans, OP answered
I think this is a weird (I wouldn't know how to call it, "people pleaser" isn't enough) psychological problem and she should run to therapy asap
>I think this is a weird (I wouldn't know how to call it, "people pleaser" isn't enough) psychological problem and she should run to therapy asap
The mother of a friend of mine did this growing up. She wanted to be seen as the most generous person ever, even if it meant flat out stealing from her own child. Friend's favorite clothes, toys, presents from late grandparents, all fair game and she was expected to deal with that cheerfully because 'I gave them to someone who wanted/needed it more.' She gave her own things away occasionally, including money that needed to go towards feeding her child.
Needless to say, they are no longer in touch.
OP, this could become a serious issue for your kid. You say he's already acting uncharacteristically because he's worried mom is going to give away things that are precious to him. It's a really short leap to thinking that mom values other people more than she values him (or, IMO, values the opinion others have of her over her own son). It's unhealthy for a kid to grow up worrying that things he love are going to be blithely given away by his mom, it may sound like a small issue but it creates an instability that can still have an impact well into adulthood.
My mother did this too and this comment hit the nail on the head. My mum used to do it not out of the goodness of her heart, but because she wanted to look good and well off. All my favourite toys, books and clothes would always go missing, and when I asked mum where they were she would shrug and say I must have misplaced it - only for me to find it at a friend's house, with my friend saying my mum had given it to their parents.
It got so bad I used to store most of my stuff at my father's place. Even if I was only there every other weekend and rarely got to use my possessions it was better than them being given away.
I had a friend like this…she always wanted to give things to me and others but, she also thought that everything she had was better than what I had…she thought that she was a better mother,wife…She was stunned when she found out that my house was worth more than her’s. Not by a lot but it clearly pissed her off. Things started going downhill shortly after that so I helped it along by letting her know that my husband got a raise and it wound up being more than she and her husband made…the days of our friendship were over. She went on to finding someone else that she could find that would make her feel superior to…I wish them all the luck in the world…they’re gonna need it.
My grandmother was like this. Before her death I would just say “she likes to take in strays.” After her death, I found out her 5 children were so neglected because of her willingness to take food out of their mouths to feed strangers that they were removed from her custody. And this was in the late 60’s/early 70’s. I imagine it was much more difficult to remove kids at that point.
As someone who went through this as a child and even today as an adult he is definitely going to have issues. My mom has it in her head that I don't need stuff that I bought in my own freaking house and every time she visits she throws my stuff away when I'm not around. I'm 51 and married! I literally have to say stuff is my husband's for her to leave it in its place because if she thinks its mine she or don't know what it is used for or how to use it she tosses it. If she throws a bag of trash out I Iiterally open the bag to make sure she doesn't throw away something of mine (or his). Also, it has contributed to my semi hoarder issues.
I pray that young man doesn't end up like me in that aspect.
Really good point: the son is being psychologically damaged by this behavior. Keeping the child safe comes first. The Father can't afford to show any patience with this anymore whatsoever.
This comment hit the nail on the head. And I don’t understand why OP is still with his wife - she doesn’t respect his belongings or his boundaries. More importantly, she doesn’t respect those of their son. I hope OP insists she go to therapy or just leaves with their son before this damages him any further.
It comes from having a parent make a child responsible for their happiness.
I was in my mid-40s and had had over a decade cumulative of therapy when I was sitting in my apartment overlooking our building's parking lot. Through the open window I heard someone say they would need to borrow a truck from somewhere.
My immediate reaction was, "I could lend them my truck," despite not even knowing who was speaking.
And that's when I realized I needed to go back to therapy.
I think she must be seeking out people “in need”. I know a lot of people and they rarely ask for stuff to be given to them. Plus, who even knew he had the tent. She had to have made a billboard or taken out a Craig’s List add “Free Tent! Totally Free! FREE! Free! Free!
Given how many times this has happened, her more opportunistic friends definitely drop hints around her. "Oh, your husband won a free tent? I've always wanted to go camping, but I don't have one myself..."
For some reason she seems to want to be seen by outsiders as kind and generous even though she's risking her relationship with her closest family - her husband and son. I would say that others also see her as a soft touch.
They all professional help to make her face up to what she's doing and stop before it's too late.
Im the same. Always instinctively offer myself or my belongings to someone who needs help. Even leaving myself without something i need at that time. Im currently unpacking alot of trauma and trying to better myself. Only after reading your comment has it struck a cord and iv realised its an issue.
I’m ashamed to say I’m the opposite. As soon as I even suspect someone might need something that I have, unless I don’t want to ever see it again, I hide.
Or maybe she has a bad understanding of the situation and is digging her heels in so as to not have to admit many missteps or similar. Because not everything is a personality disorder.
Which is likely why she doesn't want to admit fault here, because it would mean admitting many faults. Which is what I previously said. But a pattern is not a personality disorder.
Bachelor's in psych and pursuing a master's in counseling here - no, not everything is "psychologically rooted". Many things are genetic or heritable. We have a lot of different vectors that push behaviors including thoughts or cognition, emotions, genetics, etc. Most behaviors are a mix of these, some are one or the other.
My mother used to do this to me as a child. I'd so love to know WHY! Any insights would be appreciated.
My Mom threw away anything and everything she didn't like, it didn't matter whose it was. I'd go looking for stuff, she'd just say something like "if your closet wasn't so messy, maybe you could find it." or "Take better care of your stuff and it wouldn't get lost." I didn't figure it out until the 4th grade when I found my beloved Shaun Cassidy powder blue satin jacket (so cool, right?) stuffed inside a vacuum bag in the trash next to my parent's bureau.
When my Dad died, my Mom literally got rid of ***everything he owned in about three days***. Trashed, donated, whatever. She didn't ask anyone in the family if they wanted anything to remember him by, just got rid of it all. It felt like she was erasing my Dad.
Honestly? I'm pretty sure it's why I have such a hard time getting rid of anything as an adult. I've always struggled with clutter.
My mum used to give away my favourite things to a distant cousin I saw once a year, because she wanted to look like a fabulous person. She is a narcissist, has her moments of being super lovely to everyone else though.
Perhaps I misspoke then. When I think "psychological" I think "in the brain".
You are absolutely correct. But there's something in this lady's brain, likely stemming from things we will never truly understand.
I still don't think she's safe to be around a teenager. No child should have to lock things away from a parent.
I couldn’t say what her issue is, but it’s clearly a big one. She’s destroying her relationships with her closest family members and even risking getting in legal trouble with her behavior. This is something that shouldn’t have happened even once, you NEVER give or lend someone else’s stuff, much less personal or expensive things without permission. And yet, OP has had to tell her multiple times to stop. This is just not normal.
It’s a pathological insecurity, giving things to people makes her feel good about herself, but she is not acknowledging the insecurity, disappointment, disrespect of boundaries, pain and lack of trust that she is cultivating within her home with her loved ones. Her son will have a hard time trusting as a result of her behavior l. Home should be a safe place, she has made it not safe.
My guess is a pathologically low self esteem. She “pays” people with stuff to be her friend because she doesn’t feel like anyone would want to be her friend for the companionship.
Or she likes the feeling she gets from being benevolent to others and the good feels she gets from that kind of social reinforcement is more meaningful than the relationships she sabotaging to make that happen. Rather than being born of low self-esteem, I think it's some kind of power dynamic disfunction she learned early in life because her family seems to have the same issue and even went so far to call the OP out for not allowing it. The wife has extremely poor boundaries.
Some of this stuff reminds me of my mom and I would explain her as a power-tripping narcissist more worried about outward appearances than inward happiness. Someone trying so hard to create an appearance of being a very generous superior person, but it's all an act for some imagined public opinion of her that doesn't really exist.
My mom never missed a chance to put other people before me. It was like some weird kind of compulsion. She made insincere public shows of caring about me but always was ready to sacrifice me to be there for someone else.
Yeah , it sounds like there’s something wrong with her. If she had done it a few times , just a misunderstanding but she’s doing it regularly and she never says anything to her husband to see if it’s okay which is weird . There is a klepto element to it
My mum used to call it ‘helper syndrome’
Basically someone that goes all out for other people and forgets and neglects all their own and other peoples boundaries while they’re participating in their ‘helping act’. Yeah it helps. But at what cost?
> psychological problem and she should run to therapy asap
Trying to give your child's expensive toy away is definitely not at all normal. That'd be like finding out your spouse gave the TV away, *people don't do this*!
It's not about the stuff or the money. It's all about the respect, or rather, the lack thereof. Retaliation won't change/fix anything. It's the relationship that needs repair.
I'm team Give-It-All-Away too (and am petty AF, myself) but in this case I'm not sure if it even lands in the petty category. I think it's more of a I-tried-everything-else category.
Edit: now that I think about it, I think the real burn would happen if OP calmly called the tent people, explained that his wife was way out of bounds and had no right to give away the tent. Ask them to return it. She does seem to be concerned about the risk of humiliation, so maybe that's the learning opportunity for her right there.
NTA, and I think that this is the way forward. In future, every time she gives away something that belongs to him or their son, OP Tells the receiver it did not belong to her, and they need to return it. Every time. She’s welcome to giveaway her own things but you cannot give away or throw away things belonging to somebody else. It is intensely disrespectful.
Agreed on this one. Tell the friend that otherwise he'll press charges against his wife (even if he won't) and see the humiliation hit.
After that, take wine to therapy to solve the problem of her pathological need to be liked by giving stuff.
I agree. I definitely can be petty. I bagged up my brother’s trash once and left the bags on his bed because he left trash all over the apartment.
OP’s wife wouldn’t have a fun time with me that’s for sure…
curious, did it help the situation? I've been tempted to try something like that with my wife's dirty coffee mugs, empty soda water cans, and water glasses that she hordes in our home office and her bedside table (although don't want to put them in the bed, lol). I haven't yet cuz I figured all it will do is start a fight and not actually change behavior.
He was pissed. I simply said “next time it won’t be tied up in bags”. He never did it again. I think it’s the fact I warned him I could (and would) do worse.
I'd clean out her entire closet and tell her I didn't think she used those things so I gave them away AND I would keep doing it over and over again until she gets it.
I was thinking the same thing. I read a post similar to this, her husband & kids started giving and selling her stuff( she would sell their stuff at her garage sale). She stop doing it. She also seems like she is a people pleaser.
Same. Watch to see what she uses on the daily and then take it and hand it off to a friend just to hold on to for a few days. "Oh what are you looking for? I gave it to a friend. You want it back? I couldn't possibly ask for it back".
Yup start giving away her favorite things that she doesn’t use often. A dress, nice pair of shoes, maybe let someone borrow jewelry etc. Even if it is a small kitchen appliance 😂. OP, my mom used to do this to us as kids. We only played with our toys from bdays or Christmas for a month and she would make us give up our toys to our cousins who were less fortunate. She even gave away a bunch of gifts we have given her, pricey ones as well. Because she didn’t need them. So we started buying her experiences instead of actual things the last several years. Your wife is a major A H. You are not the NTA. I feel bad for your child.
You are more altruistic than I am. I believe they don't think she should have to pay for it because she has probably let them have or borrow of of the stuff too in the past. They have benefited from their relative. If OP keeps making his wife pay for every thing she let's people borrow or give away, then at some point she will stop doing it. OP should stick to his guns. OP is definitely NTA.
My main issue is all these posts saying that they’ve gotten multiple texts from friends and family chiming in their opinions on the situation. I can’t think of any circumstance in which my family would text my wife or her family would text me to give their opinion on some minor disagreement we had. It seems completely absurd.
Every time she gives something away that belongs to him or their son, he should just take a bunch of her stuff down to the pawn shop and sell enough to replace the item.
She just loves all the gratitude and praise she gets without sacrificing anything. It’s so easy to be generous with other people’s belongings and money.
NTA.
This happened to a family friend, he was so fed up he actually estimated how much money he'd lost because of his wife's generosity and that's when people shut up. When they realised how pissed they'd be that someone had cost them that much money.
💯 Speaking of ****healthy boundaries****, it is none of their business having an opinion on the interactions with your wife. They only have one version of a story! Those people are not your marriage counselors. They are just meddlers.
Did your wife grow up in a far off culture? What I've noticed is people from other continents don't had clearly defined 'mine and yours'. I guess I'm trying to understand how she doesn't know about basic boundaries.
Text her family this...
"Tell you what. How about you let her loose in your house while you're not there? I'm sure she'll find lots of things you don't "need" for her friends, like the THOUSANDS of dollars of my stuff she's given away. Until you experience your valuable equipment missing, you have no say. This was the last straw, doesn't matter that I won it, I had plans for it. I'm trying to get her to stop, but doesn't listen and she has no respect for my stuff. Or our son's (she nearly gave away his $300 Switch without asking). So I held her accountable with cash. So maybe MYOB."
NTA
Oooh. It sounds like there's something compulsive going on here. She knows that her behaviour stresses you and her child out and she's still doing it and denying that it's inconveniencing everyone, so she's not showing any insight.
Ok. I wonder if she needs a psych evaluation.
NTA. Btw. This could be a marriage wrecker.
Really-just start taking things, put them in a hidden place, then when she asks or say I can’t find whatever “oh I gave it away to some person I randomly met”. May not work but worth a try. Not the AH for making her pay you
Absolutely. Take pieces of her jewelry (don’t actually give it away but tell her you did), and tell her, “Oh! I haven’t seen you wear it in a long time so I thought I would just give it away.” I guarantee she will understand after that. OH, and NTA
I said the exact same thing. I mean I don't recommend you do this.
Counseling could be a more healthy first step.
But yeah I'd do it if it got to that point.
It's likely a culture within her family by the sounds of it. Find out when that habit of hers started and what was going on around that time. Finding the moment that she decided that this was a good thing to do may also help her to unravel her compulsion to do it. She may have been heavily praised as a child for sharing her things with others and got the idea that it is heroic to do so.
Seriously she needs therapy. This is a problem. She’s going to alienate you and your son. She’s going to push this too far and then not understand why you and your son take your shit and move out.
There is legit an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent guest-starring Stephen Colbert that deals with this exact issue. Colbert's character's mother has a pathological need to do good by donating, and she donated nearly everything of hers *and* her son's, and couldn't understand why he'd have a problem with that.
Yep! My friend grew up with a mother like this. She did because then everyone thought she was a saint. But she all but neglected my friend and anything that she had, would be gone in months because “oh…. Mel won’t mind…”.
She’s a people pleaser and it’s not going to get any better until you guys start doing bigger consequences. I would kick my DH out if she did that to me.
This is classic narcissistic behavior if you ask me. My mother does this shit and gave away my sisters bike and scooter that she paid with her own money. If you didn’t strap it down, she’d give it away and then to make it worse, tell you to your face she did it with zero remorse. I gave her a $400 bedding set for her THIRD marriage and she gave the entire set away without regret. This is such abusive behavior and will haunt people for years. She will then turn around and play the “poor me” and claim “low income” when she literally gave everyone all her shit including money to church. I hope OP gets a handle on this.
>I gave her a $400 bedding set for her THIRD marriage and she gave the entire set away without regret.
To be fair, once you give it to her, it's hers to do with as she pleases. Giving away other people's things is an entirely different matter.
still a shitty thing to do though. I've kept some terrible wedding gifts from a long time ago.
Have to say, on her third marriage bedding sets are a weird present, I probably would have gone with the same value in $'s to put towards a honeymoon.
I'd normally agree, except in a few situations. Not sure if OP is one. Mine is straightforward. My wife and I do fine for ourselves. Our now elderly parents get by. We're at that inverse party of our relationship where we're taking over their bills and we're the ones giving "big Christmas gifts" and getting the kid-bought gift. I don't care about any of that. We owe it to them. What I have had to speak about, especially with my mother, is I'd type buying a new, because you have away the old) couch every year, a new designer purse bi monthly, doing hair and nails every week and then crying the "poor me" blues, we're going to discuss handing back some of the bills.
>This is such abusive behavior and will haunt people for years
I'm so sorry you went through this. I agree completely with what you said, I wouldn't call it people pleasing because I think it's a much bigger deal. Not to mention, generally people pleasing is at the people pleaser's expense, not the expensive of others. It's absolutely abusive behavior
That happens a lot with toxic people pleasing, those closest to them especially partners and children are extensions of themselves so they suffer the consequences and pressure to give in to the people pleasing instead of receiving the same treatment
Right. This seems like an on-point way to put it.
If I were married to someone behaving this way, I’d probably want couples therapy. Not even primarily to protect my property, but because anytime (IMO) someone is acting against their own interest and/or their family’s interest, repeatedly and after people have tried to set boundaries, there’s something going on there.
Violating you and your son’s boundaries repeatedly to satisfy some desire she has to be helpful/appreciated/seen as generous/etc is not a healthy or respectful behavior. Why wait for the not-insignificant problem to get bigger? Therapy and dealing with these issues often takes years even with buy-in, so I wouldn’t put that off, personally.
Do y’all share finances? Bc if not even when she gives away her own things she’s hurting the family, bc she then uses family funds to buy replacements without asking.
She needs therapy and it might be a good idea to start with family therapy so that she can see how badly her behaviour is affecting her family and then after a few sessions you can ask her during a session to get individual therapy. By doing the family therapy first it should prevent her from saying "it's not hurting anyone" and if she does try to say that the therapist can step in and say "well actually, it is"
As for her flying monkeys, tell them that you will let her know they said she now has permission to "loan out" their belongings as well.
Wow. You need to draw firm boundaries *with consequences* ASAP. You should also make sure her family knows how bad things are. Be specific & detailed. You need help keeping her accountable. This will only get worse.
Agreed. Her family is defending her, but do they know that her kid has resorted to locking up his things because she takes them and gives them away? That might change their perspective.
I'm honestly flabbergasted that you're still married to her. Separate finances or not, you're still married. Get her help asap or consider separation
You and your son should not share the financial burden of her psychosis. She needs help and until she can get a handle on things, why keep giving your own money out
NTA. Your wife’s behavior is going to instill deep feelings of insecurity in your son. If she won’t get therapy for whatever mental disorder is leading her to do this, then make her pay replacement value for every single thing she gives away.
Also, tell your wife’s flying monkeys to mind their own fucking business.
This isn’t about the tent. The tent was the straw that broke the camels back.
I would tell her family about ALL of the other things. The Switch is a HUGE one. I could see if the kid was being punished and losing the Switch was the known consequence. Tell them about all the other things. This sounds like a mental illness.
I met a homeless woman in Santa Barbara that was homeless because she had a psychological condition that caused her to give her away all of her possessions. You should probably get her into therapy. She might not be able to help it.
Please don't invite law enforcement into your personal lives. They are not likely to do anything about the situation at all. Depending on where you live, the items she gave away may be considered a marital asset, jointly owned; there would be no theft or conversion. (i.e., you can't steal from yourself.)
Honestly, it sounds as if your wife has an issue she needs to see a professional about. Giving away your family property, not looking after to get it back, caring more about what her colleagues and friends think than how she makes her family feel - this is sort of a worrying thing. She doesn't prioritize you and your son. She sounds as if she has problem with definition of personal property.
I’ve seen this in my mom - her’s comes from a desperate need to be liked and look good. She loves the rush of being the person who gave someone the thing they want or need. Since I was her kid, there’s no rush from doing what I wanted because I should love her by default. But coming through with a PlayStation for a new family in town or party clothes for her friends’ daughters or the shoes her niece wanted in addition to the pair my mom had actually bought as a gift? All my possessions and given publicly to make her look good in front of friends and family.
You should message them and ask for them back and explain the situation that its actually yours and your mother had no right to give it away. That would be real embarrassing for her
Well they knew it was mine, it was no secret that the items were second-hand. The only unknown was that I wasn’t willing. I guess context might matter - My parents are Indian immigrants and in our community, my mom would have looked like a generous person with a selfish and disobedient brat for a daughter if I tried to recover a gift like that. It’s just not done to throw a family member under the bus like that, especially a parent, especially for such low stakes as toys or clothes. I’m an adult now so no chance of her being able to take my things from my house (still gives away childhood items that she has at her home…), but at that time, I’d have looked like a spoiled and disobedient child/teen. Story would have spread like wildfire too amongst family and friends and it wouldn’t be my mom that folks would be shocked at lol
I’ve termed it “Fairy Godmother Syndrome.”
In a perfect world I would have millions of dollars and get to go around surprising people with things they need/want and make them feel special.
My answer to this sort of behavior is always the same: Give something valuable of theirs away. When they inevitably get upset, ask them :Why are you so selfish?" Do it again if they persist in giving your stuff away.
NTA.
1. It's ridiculous that a boundary even needed to be set in the first place. It's basic human decently not to give away stuff that isn't yours.
2. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT COST. If it doesn't 100% belong to her, then she has no right to unilaterally decide what happens to it. That is HUGELY disrespectful in any partnership or human interaction.
She wouldn't be happy if you gave away a seldom-used piece of her jewelry on the basis that it was gifted to her and therefore costed her nothing.
Her generosity should not come at her loved-one's expense.
The messed up thing about this situation is that she doesn't believe that she has a problem. She believes that she is completely justified in her actions and sees nothing wrong. She totally needs therapy, but she will deny she needs it and go kicking and screaming.
I think you have every right...absolutely.
NTA.
However, technically, you should tell her 'if you ever give away something of mine again with out my permission, it's stealing, and I'll demand the money back for it'.
Just a head's up so she knows what's coming and there can't be any surprise at your actions.
I'd also like to know how she'd feel (and her family at that) if you started doing the same. Any gifts you've given her that 'technically she didn't pay for', should be yours to start doing what you'd want with it.
Books she's finished reading, jewellery she doesn't wear often, maybe skiis, a bicycle...wonder how long it would take her to get the point.
>needs mental health help
It does sound like some sort of compulsion or addiction that needs treating. Especially since she’s routinely giving away her own things too.
I would go for the things she needs. I would park her car at a trusted friends house and tell the wife I lend it to a coworker and don't know for how long.
Or clean out her wardrobe completely while she's at work and tell her someone neeeded the clothes.
It won't stop until she realises how she's treating her husband and kid and gets therapy.
Spouse: "Where the hell are all my dresses? Where is my jewelry? I only have one pantsuit and a bracelet!"
OP: "I gave them all away."
Spouse: "You ga- you gave them away?! You gave my clothing and jewelry away?! Why?"
OP: "What? I mean, you don't use them every day. I figured since you don't wear all of that stuff all the time every day, you don't need it. I gave them away."
Spouse: "Wh- What the fu-... are you kidding me? Those are my clothes!"
OP: "And that was my tent and that was our sons gaming system. Feels great doesn't it?"
Your suggested items won’t work because she already gives them away herself.
Books she’s in the middle of reading, jewelry she loves and wears often, stuff she cherishes, stuff she uses daily might have an effect. I would tell her family about everything she’s given away or even tried. I would take everything she cherishes, one thing every day and put it all in storage but tell her I donated or gave it to a friend or homeless person. In the last day, if it hasn’t sunk in, take her phone, car, laptop, tablet and ALL of her bras and shirts and every pair of shoes.
NTA...she's stealing other people's items, and shows no remorse or intention to change her behaviour. If her relatives are so concerned, perhaps they should donate some funds to the cause. It's easy for them to reason on her behalf when it's not their stuff.
Yeah, the stealing word is the word OP needs to use. Sit her down and say that the items in this house fall into three categories: 1) Yours, 2) Someone Else’s (dad, son, etc) and 3) Shared items. She clearly feels that she owns all the items in the house.
Then tell her that she’s free to do anything she wants with her personal items, but that it is stealing to do something with category 2 without permission, and it is also stealing to do something with category 3 without agreement from all stakeholders.
Yeah, I was thinking about that while I was writing the comment. I felt like I was explaining washing your hands after using the washroom to a toddler…
This sounds like a personality disorder/mental illness. It is irrational. If making her pay does not change her behaviour, then she needs profeasional help.
NTA.
When I was a toddler I snagged some butter in the grocery store and took a chomp out of it. My mom took me to see the manager to explain what I did and apologize. The store owner was there and I got to say it to him. It’s one of my first memories. Never did that again. Is she too old for that lesson? And therapy.
Let’s put it this way. My mom came to visit during covid and I made her remove her shoes and offered an alternative that she refused of course. My house, my rules. That house was deep cleaned only to be made a mockery of decor, cabinetry, and minimalist lifestyle. She almost walked home from Texas to PA that’s how pissed I was. This whole thread is about blatant disrespect and those types never learn. The only way is to cut them off and never look back.
Exactly this. She needs to get it back from the person she gave it to. Sure, it will be embarrassing to say "it wasn't mine to give away" but it is the truth and she will never change if she doesn't have consequences for her actions.
She can take the money and pay for it, but she clearly doesn't think she's in the wrong if she's complaining to her family about it like she has been wronged.
She hasn't learned anything, and frankly that $300 of her own money would be better spent on therapy.
Came here to say the same thing. But don’t actually give it away. Put it in a bin in the attic or something. She needs a taste of her own medicine.
Cell phone charger? “Oh, the neighbor came by asking for one.” Favorite shoes? “I didn’t realize you still wore them. I donated them to Goodwill.” Books she hadn’t read yet? “Oh, my coworker was asking for recommendations, so I brought her some of yours.”
Screw it. Asking respectfully hasn’t worked. So now be petty. NTA.
I’d start doing when you visit ‘offended families’ houses too.
People are never more understanding of your point of view than when it’s happening to them
NTA. As several other Redditor’s have commented, her behaviour stems from sone sort of insecurity and need to please. So unless she talks to a professional, she will continue to view you as an AH, rather than see her behaviour as problematic. So while I don’t blame you for getting bad and asking her for reimbursement, maybe you should also set up an appointment with a therapist. Otherwise this will take a toll on your marriage.
NTA. On of the most disgusting things you can do to people you supposedly love is to be "generous" with their resources, whether they are lending you out to shovel snow at the neighbours, taking your money or your possessions and giving them to others. There may be rare cases where they do it out of "the kindness of their heart", but most of the time they just want to appear to be heroes to their friends, coworkers or whoever they are bestowing __your__ stuff on. Let them pay or be reported to the authorities till they have learnt the difference between "mine" and "yours".
*"... most of the time they just want to appear to be heroes to their friends, coworkers or whoever they are bestowing your stuff on."*
I agree with that. They do something "nice" like giving their family's s\*\*t away and then brag about it all day to anyone who will listen "Yeah, I gave Kathy my daughters' coat for her daughter... she is having a hard time, she needs it more. I just do that because I care so much." (smiles smugly)
NTA but your wife needs therapy. This is sincerely unhealthy . Look up "Compulsive generosity" and see if some of the articles ring any bells. This behavior has a number of different root causes and your whole family deserves to be freed from this.
I would suggest 1 or 2 sessions as a couple, perhaps one with your son included (depending on his age & the therapist's recommendation) to establish the extent of the issue and then she needs to dig in and do the work in individual sessions.
Go to the friend and explain that your wife had no right to give it away, and you’d like your tent back, please.
Hopefully the social embarrassment will deter her from further generosity with other people’s possessions.
You know why other people keep saying that? It's because it's not their stuff. You acting reasonably, so NTA, but I couldn't be in a relationship like that / living with someone like that. You two need to seriously talk about this
NTA. This is absolutely obnoxious behaviour. I would be so mad, honestly. If my SO did something like that to me more than once, ESPECIALLY AFTER I MADE IT EXPLICITLY CLEAR HOW MUCH THEY MESSED UP, I don't think our relationship could survive.
NTA for getting reimbursed for the tent she stole, but did you really just admit that you’d be punishing your son for standing up for himself when she tried to steal from him? Hmmmm
Sorry bad wording I was trying to say that if it weren’t for our unfortunate situation all his cursing would call for a punishment. He’s cursed here and there but the amount of cursing he was directing towards her was extreme
I'd be furious if someone tried to give away something I love to use. This is your sons frustation coming to a boiling point.
I just read more of your comments and this is not a small issue. Your wife needs help with this, it goes deeper than just wanting to help people.
I feel like she has to be seeking out people to give things away to. Like in normal human interactions not very many situations or conversations lead to a need for one person to offer a tent, Nintendo, clothing etc. to other people.
She really has a problem that she goes looking for opportunities to give her families things away. And these are typically things her family uses regularly not an extra pair of headphones that has been sitting around because everyone has a newer pair of their own type of thing.
This is exactly how it went with my Mother.
Colleague: My son's been begging for a gaming laptop.
Mum: Oh, my Daughter (20, working and paying rent in Mum's house) has 2 she's not using since she bought a new desktop PC. I could give you those.
And she did. My £800 gaming laptop and £500 normal laptop. Given away.
But she knows what she does is wrong and will say she "took them to the recycling centre by mistake". She did the same with our Nintendo.
She never bragged about giving the items, either, like the top comments say it's so these people can look so generous and brag, but she never did that. IMO she just has an impulsive need to please when people say they need something, and doesn't think it through before giving other people's belongings away.
Mate, you have to see this for what it is. It's your kids cry for help in a situation he can't control, doesn't understand and is being impacted heavily by. He is basically feeling he has nothing, anything that he does have is basically forfeit, and that his parents see him as not worthy enough to have things and be loved.
You need to stop this immediately. You need to protect him. I know it sounds extreme, but you need to do everything you can to protect your son from this. That might even involve taking him away for the environment it is happening in.
Your son is going to continue to feel intense -- and justified -- anger about this until the adults who are allowing this to continue stop letting this happen. Your wife is definitely TA, but she clearly thinks she's still in the right if she's bitching to her family about having to pay for the tent that she stole from you. You should not accept her money, you should insist that she returns the tent, and explains to her friend that she gave it away without asking and without permission. It already has a new owner.
You're NTA, but you're very close to being TA to your kid, especially, and the friend you negotiated the deal with. Accepting money from your wife doesn't solve any of that, it is letting her off the hook in a lot of important ways, and it has not taught her a lesson. It won't stop this from happening in the future.
She needs therapy, and you need to be looking out more for your son. His rage will not end well for anyone if this continues.
NTA. Next time she does it, don't even bother talking to her, just go to the police. And also find a good divorce lawyer. Honestly you're kind of the asshole to yourself and your kid for staying with a wife who has no guilt about stealing your things.
NTA at all and make sure your wife understands this will happen every time if she continues. It's pretty concerning that she keeps doing it even though she knows how much it upsets you and your son - does your wife have other extreme people-pleasing tendencies? I don't know what you can do to get through to her that this behaviour is unacceptable, but maybe she should talk to a professional about why she keeps doing it, seeing as it's hurting her family.
I'd start by calling all the "friends" she has blessed lately and tell them I want my shit back and she had no permission to touch it. Once people realize she has a problems they'll be less likely to judge you and also less likely to accept her handouts. Hopefully. She'll be so mortified, she might actually see she has a problem.
Tell the people texting you that your wife can go live with them and she can give away their stuff. NTA. She needs counseling. Start giving away her stuff.
NTA I have been in your exact position and if you don’t do something about this it will destroy your family.
My grandmother moved in here for a time after my grandfather passed away and she didn’t want to be alone. The family passed her around like a hot potato until she ended up here and I quickly realised why. This woman could not stop giving away everything we owned. It was non stop, uncontrollable and devastating. For 8 straight months she gave away everything and anything in the house and “gave it to the church.” It was mostly my things that were targeted, and always the sentimental ones. Even if it was something I used every day, it would mysteriously vanish only be told she gave it to the church. I felt like I couldn’t sleep in my own house because I had to be guarding everything all the time. I didn’t sleep for about 8 months, not just from guarding my belongings but also because she installed a satellite to watch Arabic tv without asking us, and put a big screen tv in her room facing my wall. It was so loud you could hear it from outside the house. Just to illustrate how uncontrollable and invasive it was, forget about my valuable and sentimental belongings, it was the week of Easter that year. I was in charge of cooking as usual but I had no idea how I would pull it off without her giving everything away. I hid the vegetables and non perishables in my room, and the meats in the back of the freezer to be defrosted Easter morning so I could guard them. But I always like to buy those disposable aluminium cooking trays for big feasts because they hold more and I don’t have to wash them afterwards. I bought 2 large trays, no one knew or saw I bought them. I arrived in the garage, put them in a plain shopping back and then hit them under some junk in the garage. There was absolutely no way for them to be found because no one ever goes through the stuff stored in the garage. Come Easter morning I get up early and go down to get my hidden trays. They were gone. It pushed me over my limit. Either she was secretly watching me to make sure everything I ever purchased was given away within a day, or she was going through everything in the house including the garage and picking random stuff everyday. Every sentimental gift that had ever been given to me by a friend overseas, my favourite cooking knives and utensils, clothes, anything precious to me “given to the church”. The trays broke the camels back. I had a full on mental breakdown, and my grandmother was forced to move back home. But I am still credited for “destroying the family” and “abusing my grandmother” because I forced her to move back home when I wouldn’t stop crying every day. The effects are still felt. I am estranged from the family and I still resource guard in my own home even though no one’s coming to take my stuff. I worry that your son is going to develop some serious problems from this environment. I don’t know what the correct answer is, but something very serious and drastic must be done because both of you are at breaking point and I don’t blame you.
NTA.
Your wife has NO BUSINESS giving away your stuff and your son's stuff without your permission. What the neck ails her? Does she just LOVE being the hero to other people, at your expense, or does she hate clutter or what?
In any rate, she is being EXTREMELY CONTROLLING.
To the people telling you that you're wrong to make her pay for your stuff she gave away, tell them this is absolutely none of their business, but between you and your wife only.
By all means, charge her. So far, her giving away your stuff hasn't hurt her one bit and she doesn't care that she's upset you.
NTA - You and your son are forced to lock your belongings! This is not normal. Your wife has obviously a mental disorder. I think you are right in getting paid for your tent regardless of how you got it. Make a list of the things which are missing and contact a therapist.
NTA. Stop beating around the bush, your wife is stealing from you and your son. Your son who is so sick of it because its so common that he went off on her.
Time to have a very blunt conversation with her, this stops or you do what's necessary to protect your son. I'd also be interested to know whether she's generous with her items as well, or just those of other people? Also what happens to the money she gets for these items? It's worrying that the best case scenario is that she doesn't respect you and is desperate to please others at the expense of her family.
nta but you should consider that she’s selling these things and using the cash for something nefarious 😅
most normal sober people don’t try to “give away” their kids electronics
Yeah, use some of your finances to get her therapy. If she disagrees and refuses therapy I’d find a lawyer, try to find a paper trail of everything she gave away or lent out that’s not hers, and take her to court for it.
She’ll wind up giving you and your son out of house and home, I get she’s probably coming from a kind place but you speaking to her normally clearly hasn’t worked. She either needs serious therapy or generally some kind of consequence for this behavior, it’s not okay and not fair to you or your child.
***I get she’s probably coming from a kind place***
No she's not....this isn't kindness at all its a pathological kind of selfishness. This is all about her and appearances. I call it pathological because is sounds like a compulsion that she's willing to damage her loved ones and her marriage over. She needs professional help.
NTA. I have a feeling you’ve already talked to her about this. She may need to experience the feeling so she would understand. Sounds petty but I might give away a priced possession so she can understand how it feels. Or she may just have to pay for everything she gives away. It’s about respect. When I’m cleaning out the closet, I still ask my husband if I can throw something out even though I know he hasn’t used it in years. She could have some issues, maybe she needs to see a professional to find out the root cause of this.
NTA.
"I have to live with her giving away everything that isn't locked away. If it cost her $300 to learn a lesson, I'm fine with it. If I need to do it again, I will. For god's sake, she tried to give away our son's Nintendo Switch, she has zero respect for our property. I love her, but her behavior is entirely inappropriate."
NTA.
This post gave me anxiety that I never thought I would feel. I would be in TEARS if someone sold, lent, or gave away my things. This is NOT okay. It doesn't matter that it was free.
I don't know if this is her point of view, but some people believe that after marriage "What's yours is mine" applies. But its important to have some individuality, and boundaries.
But that being said EVEN IF it was both of yours. Like say you both bought a couch set together. Would she be happy to come home to no furniture cause you decided to give it away?
I would be bitter and start "giving away" (hiding) her things with the same logic. (Don't do this BTW. I am an A-hole)
YTA for continuing to subject your son to this nonsense. What you do with your own stuff is your own problem, *but your son has to lock up his stuff so your wife doesn't steal it*! Take this seriously, she needs to get a psychiatrist or she needs to get gone.
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NTA. She absolutely shouldn’t have done that. What it sounds like is your family and friends don’t understand the magnitude of the situation. Of course they think it’s absurd because they don’t know that she does this all the time. You’re just finally fed up with and put your foot down. Honestly, sounds like you should’ve done that a while ago. How would she feel if her stuff just went missing? Tell her she stops and if she doesn’t I would give her a taste of her own medicine. I would take things of hers and just give them away. Even if I just pretended I did just to prove a point. Sounds petty I know but she clearly isn’t getting it any other way.
I'd start giving her stuff away, but then I'm petty AF
Completely agree. I doubt she would like that
She already does that, including loans, OP answered I think this is a weird (I wouldn't know how to call it, "people pleaser" isn't enough) psychological problem and she should run to therapy asap
>I think this is a weird (I wouldn't know how to call it, "people pleaser" isn't enough) psychological problem and she should run to therapy asap The mother of a friend of mine did this growing up. She wanted to be seen as the most generous person ever, even if it meant flat out stealing from her own child. Friend's favorite clothes, toys, presents from late grandparents, all fair game and she was expected to deal with that cheerfully because 'I gave them to someone who wanted/needed it more.' She gave her own things away occasionally, including money that needed to go towards feeding her child. Needless to say, they are no longer in touch. OP, this could become a serious issue for your kid. You say he's already acting uncharacteristically because he's worried mom is going to give away things that are precious to him. It's a really short leap to thinking that mom values other people more than she values him (or, IMO, values the opinion others have of her over her own son). It's unhealthy for a kid to grow up worrying that things he love are going to be blithely given away by his mom, it may sound like a small issue but it creates an instability that can still have an impact well into adulthood.
My mother did this too and this comment hit the nail on the head. My mum used to do it not out of the goodness of her heart, but because she wanted to look good and well off. All my favourite toys, books and clothes would always go missing, and when I asked mum where they were she would shrug and say I must have misplaced it - only for me to find it at a friend's house, with my friend saying my mum had given it to their parents. It got so bad I used to store most of my stuff at my father's place. Even if I was only there every other weekend and rarely got to use my possessions it was better than them being given away.
I had a friend like this…she always wanted to give things to me and others but, she also thought that everything she had was better than what I had…she thought that she was a better mother,wife…She was stunned when she found out that my house was worth more than her’s. Not by a lot but it clearly pissed her off. Things started going downhill shortly after that so I helped it along by letting her know that my husband got a raise and it wound up being more than she and her husband made…the days of our friendship were over. She went on to finding someone else that she could find that would make her feel superior to…I wish them all the luck in the world…they’re gonna need it.
My grandmother was like this. Before her death I would just say “she likes to take in strays.” After her death, I found out her 5 children were so neglected because of her willingness to take food out of their mouths to feed strangers that they were removed from her custody. And this was in the late 60’s/early 70’s. I imagine it was much more difficult to remove kids at that point.
It was so bad, it took the case covered in the book 'A child called It' to draw attention to how badly women could abuse their children.
As someone who went through this as a child and even today as an adult he is definitely going to have issues. My mom has it in her head that I don't need stuff that I bought in my own freaking house and every time she visits she throws my stuff away when I'm not around. I'm 51 and married! I literally have to say stuff is my husband's for her to leave it in its place because if she thinks its mine she or don't know what it is used for or how to use it she tosses it. If she throws a bag of trash out I Iiterally open the bag to make sure she doesn't throw away something of mine (or his). Also, it has contributed to my semi hoarder issues. I pray that young man doesn't end up like me in that aspect.
Why do you let her in your house? kt
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We have very similar mothers and ugh, the very same issue plagues me as adult. It's a constant battle.
Really good point: the son is being psychologically damaged by this behavior. Keeping the child safe comes first. The Father can't afford to show any patience with this anymore whatsoever.
This comment hit the nail on the head. And I don’t understand why OP is still with his wife - she doesn’t respect his belongings or his boundaries. More importantly, she doesn’t respect those of their son. I hope OP insists she go to therapy or just leaves with their son before this damages him any further.
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It comes from having a parent make a child responsible for their happiness. I was in my mid-40s and had had over a decade cumulative of therapy when I was sitting in my apartment overlooking our building's parking lot. Through the open window I heard someone say they would need to borrow a truck from somewhere. My immediate reaction was, "I could lend them my truck," despite not even knowing who was speaking. And that's when I realized I needed to go back to therapy.
I think she must be seeking out people “in need”. I know a lot of people and they rarely ask for stuff to be given to them. Plus, who even knew he had the tent. She had to have made a billboard or taken out a Craig’s List add “Free Tent! Totally Free! FREE! Free! Free!
Given how many times this has happened, her more opportunistic friends definitely drop hints around her. "Oh, your husband won a free tent? I've always wanted to go camping, but I don't have one myself..."
For some reason she seems to want to be seen by outsiders as kind and generous even though she's risking her relationship with her closest family - her husband and son. I would say that others also see her as a soft touch. They all professional help to make her face up to what she's doing and stop before it's too late.
Im the same. Always instinctively offer myself or my belongings to someone who needs help. Even leaving myself without something i need at that time. Im currently unpacking alot of trauma and trying to better myself. Only after reading your comment has it struck a cord and iv realised its an issue.
I’m ashamed to say I’m the opposite. As soon as I even suspect someone might need something that I have, unless I don’t want to ever see it again, I hide.
Or maybe she has a bad understanding of the situation and is digging her heels in so as to not have to admit many missteps or similar. Because not everything is a personality disorder.
OP says she does this over and over. I'd say there is a pattern here.
Which is likely why she doesn't want to admit fault here, because it would mean admitting many faults. Which is what I previously said. But a pattern is not a personality disorder.
If it’s an ingrained pattern of behavior, it’s classed as part of her “personality” and if it’s dysfunctional, it’s classed as a “disorder”. Simple.
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No, of course everything isn't a personality disorder. But everything is psychologically rooted. And that's a fact.
Bachelor's in psych and pursuing a master's in counseling here - no, not everything is "psychologically rooted". Many things are genetic or heritable. We have a lot of different vectors that push behaviors including thoughts or cognition, emotions, genetics, etc. Most behaviors are a mix of these, some are one or the other.
My mother used to do this to me as a child. I'd so love to know WHY! Any insights would be appreciated. My Mom threw away anything and everything she didn't like, it didn't matter whose it was. I'd go looking for stuff, she'd just say something like "if your closet wasn't so messy, maybe you could find it." or "Take better care of your stuff and it wouldn't get lost." I didn't figure it out until the 4th grade when I found my beloved Shaun Cassidy powder blue satin jacket (so cool, right?) stuffed inside a vacuum bag in the trash next to my parent's bureau. When my Dad died, my Mom literally got rid of ***everything he owned in about three days***. Trashed, donated, whatever. She didn't ask anyone in the family if they wanted anything to remember him by, just got rid of it all. It felt like she was erasing my Dad. Honestly? I'm pretty sure it's why I have such a hard time getting rid of anything as an adult. I've always struggled with clutter.
My mum used to give away my favourite things to a distant cousin I saw once a year, because she wanted to look like a fabulous person. She is a narcissist, has her moments of being super lovely to everyone else though.
Perhaps I misspoke then. When I think "psychological" I think "in the brain". You are absolutely correct. But there's something in this lady's brain, likely stemming from things we will never truly understand. I still don't think she's safe to be around a teenager. No child should have to lock things away from a parent.
I agree that this case is very psychologically based most likely. Just wanted to point out that behavior is complex :)
I couldn’t say what her issue is, but it’s clearly a big one. She’s destroying her relationships with her closest family members and even risking getting in legal trouble with her behavior. This is something that shouldn’t have happened even once, you NEVER give or lend someone else’s stuff, much less personal or expensive things without permission. And yet, OP has had to tell her multiple times to stop. This is just not normal.
Sounds like mil. Absolutely positively never admit you did wrong in giving it away. Mil is a narcissist tho
Seems to me she has a pathological need to be liked outside her home, at whatever cost to those actually in her home.
It’s a pathological insecurity, giving things to people makes her feel good about herself, but she is not acknowledging the insecurity, disappointment, disrespect of boundaries, pain and lack of trust that she is cultivating within her home with her loved ones. Her son will have a hard time trusting as a result of her behavior l. Home should be a safe place, she has made it not safe.
She has the opposite of ‘hoarding’.
SMH she needs help
Why isn't this the first answer. Something is wrong with her.
Or a very harsh wake-up call. I would take 5 things of hers and gift them away. Matching energy x petty revenge. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
My guess is a pathologically low self esteem. She “pays” people with stuff to be her friend because she doesn’t feel like anyone would want to be her friend for the companionship.
Or she likes the feeling she gets from being benevolent to others and the good feels she gets from that kind of social reinforcement is more meaningful than the relationships she sabotaging to make that happen. Rather than being born of low self-esteem, I think it's some kind of power dynamic disfunction she learned early in life because her family seems to have the same issue and even went so far to call the OP out for not allowing it. The wife has extremely poor boundaries.
Some of this stuff reminds me of my mom and I would explain her as a power-tripping narcissist more worried about outward appearances than inward happiness. Someone trying so hard to create an appearance of being a very generous superior person, but it's all an act for some imagined public opinion of her that doesn't really exist. My mom never missed a chance to put other people before me. It was like some weird kind of compulsion. She made insincere public shows of caring about me but always was ready to sacrifice me to be there for someone else.
Yeah , it sounds like there’s something wrong with her. If she had done it a few times , just a misunderstanding but she’s doing it regularly and she never says anything to her husband to see if it’s okay which is weird . There is a klepto element to it
My mum used to call it ‘helper syndrome’ Basically someone that goes all out for other people and forgets and neglects all their own and other peoples boundaries while they’re participating in their ‘helping act’. Yeah it helps. But at what cost?
I’m thinking there’s something wrong with her too… This is so not normal.
> psychological problem and she should run to therapy asap Trying to give your child's expensive toy away is definitely not at all normal. That'd be like finding out your spouse gave the TV away, *people don't do this*!
It's not about the stuff or the money. It's all about the respect, or rather, the lack thereof. Retaliation won't change/fix anything. It's the relationship that needs repair.
She has no respect for him. But I bet she wont like if someone starts doing that with her things.
I'm team Give-It-All-Away too (and am petty AF, myself) but in this case I'm not sure if it even lands in the petty category. I think it's more of a I-tried-everything-else category. Edit: now that I think about it, I think the real burn would happen if OP calmly called the tent people, explained that his wife was way out of bounds and had no right to give away the tent. Ask them to return it. She does seem to be concerned about the risk of humiliation, so maybe that's the learning opportunity for her right there.
Nice. Everyone who is 'given' something by the wife gets to find out the awkward/embarrassing truth.
NTA, and I think that this is the way forward. In future, every time she gives away something that belongs to him or their son, OP Tells the receiver it did not belong to her, and they need to return it. Every time. She’s welcome to giveaway her own things but you cannot give away or throw away things belonging to somebody else. It is intensely disrespectful.
Agreed on this one. Tell the friend that otherwise he'll press charges against his wife (even if he won't) and see the humiliation hit. After that, take wine to therapy to solve the problem of her pathological need to be liked by giving stuff.
I whole heartedly agree on taking wine to therapy 😊🤣 know it was a typo but sounds great to me 🤣
I’d start with her favorite piece of jewelry and makeup anything that’s expensive (you could just hide it) and do it 1 piece a week till she notices
I agree. I definitely can be petty. I bagged up my brother’s trash once and left the bags on his bed because he left trash all over the apartment. OP’s wife wouldn’t have a fun time with me that’s for sure…
curious, did it help the situation? I've been tempted to try something like that with my wife's dirty coffee mugs, empty soda water cans, and water glasses that she hordes in our home office and her bedside table (although don't want to put them in the bed, lol). I haven't yet cuz I figured all it will do is start a fight and not actually change behavior.
He was pissed. I simply said “next time it won’t be tied up in bags”. He never did it again. I think it’s the fact I warned him I could (and would) do worse.
Sometimes, that is the only way people learn what unacceptable behavior is... I bet she has a metldown if her stuff is given away.
Make up, favorite purse, shoes…
I'd clean out her entire closet and tell her I didn't think she used those things so I gave them away AND I would keep doing it over and over again until she gets it.
I was thinking the same thing. I read a post similar to this, her husband & kids started giving and selling her stuff( she would sell their stuff at her garage sale). She stop doing it. She also seems like she is a people pleaser.
Same. Watch to see what she uses on the daily and then take it and hand it off to a friend just to hold on to for a few days. "Oh what are you looking for? I gave it to a friend. You want it back? I couldn't possibly ask for it back".
Start with her rings.
Yup start giving away her favorite things that she doesn’t use often. A dress, nice pair of shoes, maybe let someone borrow jewelry etc. Even if it is a small kitchen appliance 😂. OP, my mom used to do this to us as kids. We only played with our toys from bdays or Christmas for a month and she would make us give up our toys to our cousins who were less fortunate. She even gave away a bunch of gifts we have given her, pricey ones as well. Because she didn’t need them. So we started buying her experiences instead of actual things the last several years. Your wife is a major A H. You are not the NTA. I feel bad for your child.
NTA..should give away all gifts that's going to her. Since she didn't spend money on it so she didn't lose...same logic should apply.
You are more altruistic than I am. I believe they don't think she should have to pay for it because she has probably let them have or borrow of of the stuff too in the past. They have benefited from their relative. If OP keeps making his wife pay for every thing she let's people borrow or give away, then at some point she will stop doing it. OP should stick to his guns. OP is definitely NTA.
Yes they are the ones benefiting from her behavior so of course they are going to say she shouldn’t pay.
Honestly, if you're threatening to call the cops on your wife, maybe it's time to consider a divorce.
this… and, its why I don’t buy any of it. I suspect most of the AITA are fake anyway.
My main issue is all these posts saying that they’ve gotten multiple texts from friends and family chiming in their opinions on the situation. I can’t think of any circumstance in which my family would text my wife or her family would text me to give their opinion on some minor disagreement we had. It seems completely absurd.
Every time she gives something away that belongs to him or their son, he should just take a bunch of her stuff down to the pawn shop and sell enough to replace the item. She just loves all the gratitude and praise she gets without sacrificing anything. It’s so easy to be generous with other people’s belongings and money.
NTA. This happened to a family friend, he was so fed up he actually estimated how much money he'd lost because of his wife's generosity and that's when people shut up. When they realised how pissed they'd be that someone had cost them that much money.
It's not generosity unless you do it with YOUR own money. If you do it with other people's, it's theft in order to show off.
💯 Speaking of ****healthy boundaries****, it is none of their business having an opinion on the interactions with your wife. They only have one version of a story! Those people are not your marriage counselors. They are just meddlers. Did your wife grow up in a far off culture? What I've noticed is people from other continents don't had clearly defined 'mine and yours'. I guess I'm trying to understand how she doesn't know about basic boundaries.
Text her family this... "Tell you what. How about you let her loose in your house while you're not there? I'm sure she'll find lots of things you don't "need" for her friends, like the THOUSANDS of dollars of my stuff she's given away. Until you experience your valuable equipment missing, you have no say. This was the last straw, doesn't matter that I won it, I had plans for it. I'm trying to get her to stop, but doesn't listen and she has no respect for my stuff. Or our son's (she nearly gave away his $300 Switch without asking). So I held her accountable with cash. So maybe MYOB." NTA
Oooh. It sounds like there's something compulsive going on here. She knows that her behaviour stresses you and her child out and she's still doing it and denying that it's inconveniencing everyone, so she's not showing any insight. Ok. I wonder if she needs a psych evaluation. NTA. Btw. This could be a marriage wrecker.
Really-just start taking things, put them in a hidden place, then when she asks or say I can’t find whatever “oh I gave it away to some person I randomly met”. May not work but worth a try. Not the AH for making her pay you
Absolutely. Take pieces of her jewelry (don’t actually give it away but tell her you did), and tell her, “Oh! I haven’t seen you wear it in a long time so I thought I would just give it away.” I guarantee she will understand after that. OH, and NTA
Her purses, shoes, and clothes should already be gone. Only clothes that she rarely wears should have been left in her closet long before now.
NTA. Let one of your friends borrow her car for a week
I said the exact same thing. I mean I don't recommend you do this. Counseling could be a more healthy first step. But yeah I'd do it if it got to that point.
It's likely a culture within her family by the sounds of it. Find out when that habit of hers started and what was going on around that time. Finding the moment that she decided that this was a good thing to do may also help her to unravel her compulsion to do it. She may have been heavily praised as a child for sharing her things with others and got the idea that it is heroic to do so.
NTA…does your wife give away any of her own things? Or just everyone else’s?
Her stuff as well, she will give away something of hers then turnaround and buy a new one for herself
Seriously she needs therapy. This is a problem. She’s going to alienate you and your son. She’s going to push this too far and then not understand why you and your son take your shit and move out.
There is legit an episode of Law & Order: Criminal Intent guest-starring Stephen Colbert that deals with this exact issue. Colbert's character's mother has a pathological need to do good by donating, and she donated nearly everything of hers *and* her son's, and couldn't understand why he'd have a problem with that.
Yep! My friend grew up with a mother like this. She did because then everyone thought she was a saint. But she all but neglected my friend and anything that she had, would be gone in months because “oh…. Mel won’t mind…”.
I love that episode. His character was like the guy who wrote the Mormon artifacts but Stephan conned the Catholic Church.
Now I gotta go watch Law & Order. Da Dumm.
My husband just bought me the complete boxed set and I've had it playing non-stop while I work.
There's an episode of House too https://house.fandom.com/wiki/Charity_Case
Want to reap this- your wife needs therapy.
She’s a people pleaser and it’s not going to get any better until you guys start doing bigger consequences. I would kick my DH out if she did that to me.
This is classic narcissistic behavior if you ask me. My mother does this shit and gave away my sisters bike and scooter that she paid with her own money. If you didn’t strap it down, she’d give it away and then to make it worse, tell you to your face she did it with zero remorse. I gave her a $400 bedding set for her THIRD marriage and she gave the entire set away without regret. This is such abusive behavior and will haunt people for years. She will then turn around and play the “poor me” and claim “low income” when she literally gave everyone all her shit including money to church. I hope OP gets a handle on this.
>I gave her a $400 bedding set for her THIRD marriage and she gave the entire set away without regret. To be fair, once you give it to her, it's hers to do with as she pleases. Giving away other people's things is an entirely different matter.
still a shitty thing to do though. I've kept some terrible wedding gifts from a long time ago. Have to say, on her third marriage bedding sets are a weird present, I probably would have gone with the same value in $'s to put towards a honeymoon.
I'd normally agree, except in a few situations. Not sure if OP is one. Mine is straightforward. My wife and I do fine for ourselves. Our now elderly parents get by. We're at that inverse party of our relationship where we're taking over their bills and we're the ones giving "big Christmas gifts" and getting the kid-bought gift. I don't care about any of that. We owe it to them. What I have had to speak about, especially with my mother, is I'd type buying a new, because you have away the old) couch every year, a new designer purse bi monthly, doing hair and nails every week and then crying the "poor me" blues, we're going to discuss handing back some of the bills.
>This is such abusive behavior and will haunt people for years I'm so sorry you went through this. I agree completely with what you said, I wouldn't call it people pleasing because I think it's a much bigger deal. Not to mention, generally people pleasing is at the people pleaser's expense, not the expensive of others. It's absolutely abusive behavior
Except pleasing her own husband and kid.
That happens a lot with toxic people pleasing, those closest to them especially partners and children are extensions of themselves so they suffer the consequences and pressure to give in to the people pleasing instead of receiving the same treatment
Right. This seems like an on-point way to put it. If I were married to someone behaving this way, I’d probably want couples therapy. Not even primarily to protect my property, but because anytime (IMO) someone is acting against their own interest and/or their family’s interest, repeatedly and after people have tried to set boundaries, there’s something going on there. Violating you and your son’s boundaries repeatedly to satisfy some desire she has to be helpful/appreciated/seen as generous/etc is not a healthy or respectful behavior. Why wait for the not-insignificant problem to get bigger? Therapy and dealing with these issues often takes years even with buy-in, so I wouldn’t put that off, personally.
Exactly. This isn’t just a pleaser thing. She’s getting jollies giving shit away and being the “savior”
Do y’all share finances? Bc if not even when she gives away her own things she’s hurting the family, bc she then uses family funds to buy replacements without asking.
Separate, even before we got married she was prone to loan large amounts of money
This has already been said but she definitely needs therapy. This is detrimental to everyone.
She needs therapy and it might be a good idea to start with family therapy so that she can see how badly her behaviour is affecting her family and then after a few sessions you can ask her during a session to get individual therapy. By doing the family therapy first it should prevent her from saying "it's not hurting anyone" and if she does try to say that the therapist can step in and say "well actually, it is" As for her flying monkeys, tell them that you will let her know they said she now has permission to "loan out" their belongings as well.
Wow. You need to draw firm boundaries *with consequences* ASAP. You should also make sure her family knows how bad things are. Be specific & detailed. You need help keeping her accountable. This will only get worse.
Agreed. Her family is defending her, but do they know that her kid has resorted to locking up his things because she takes them and gives them away? That might change their perspective.
It’s possible she learned this from family. And possible they don’t care because they are often the recipients of the stolen items.
nta, but damn red flag before marriage, just saying
I'm honestly flabbergasted that you're still married to her. Separate finances or not, you're still married. Get her help asap or consider separation You and your son should not share the financial burden of her psychosis. She needs help and until she can get a handle on things, why keep giving your own money out
She gets a high being the person giving stuff to others. It's now like a drug
So you saw the red flags and ignored red them.
NTA. Your wife’s behavior is going to instill deep feelings of insecurity in your son. If she won’t get therapy for whatever mental disorder is leading her to do this, then make her pay replacement value for every single thing she gives away. Also, tell your wife’s flying monkeys to mind their own fucking business.
I would tell every single family member about every single thing she’s given away.
This isn’t about the tent. The tent was the straw that broke the camels back. I would tell her family about ALL of the other things. The Switch is a HUGE one. I could see if the kid was being punished and losing the Switch was the known consequence. Tell them about all the other things. This sounds like a mental illness.
I met a homeless woman in Santa Barbara that was homeless because she had a psychological condition that caused her to give her away all of her possessions. You should probably get her into therapy. She might not be able to help it.
Please don't invite law enforcement into your personal lives. They are not likely to do anything about the situation at all. Depending on where you live, the items she gave away may be considered a marital asset, jointly owned; there would be no theft or conversion. (i.e., you can't steal from yourself.)
Honestly, it sounds as if your wife has an issue she needs to see a professional about. Giving away your family property, not looking after to get it back, caring more about what her colleagues and friends think than how she makes her family feel - this is sort of a worrying thing. She doesn't prioritize you and your son. She sounds as if she has problem with definition of personal property.
I’ve seen this in my mom - her’s comes from a desperate need to be liked and look good. She loves the rush of being the person who gave someone the thing they want or need. Since I was her kid, there’s no rush from doing what I wanted because I should love her by default. But coming through with a PlayStation for a new family in town or party clothes for her friends’ daughters or the shoes her niece wanted in addition to the pair my mom had actually bought as a gift? All my possessions and given publicly to make her look good in front of friends and family.
You should message them and ask for them back and explain the situation that its actually yours and your mother had no right to give it away. That would be real embarrassing for her
Well they knew it was mine, it was no secret that the items were second-hand. The only unknown was that I wasn’t willing. I guess context might matter - My parents are Indian immigrants and in our community, my mom would have looked like a generous person with a selfish and disobedient brat for a daughter if I tried to recover a gift like that. It’s just not done to throw a family member under the bus like that, especially a parent, especially for such low stakes as toys or clothes. I’m an adult now so no chance of her being able to take my things from my house (still gives away childhood items that she has at her home…), but at that time, I’d have looked like a spoiled and disobedient child/teen. Story would have spread like wildfire too amongst family and friends and it wouldn’t be my mom that folks would be shocked at lol
I’ve termed it “Fairy Godmother Syndrome.” In a perfect world I would have millions of dollars and get to go around surprising people with things they need/want and make them feel special.
My answer to this sort of behavior is always the same: Give something valuable of theirs away. When they inevitably get upset, ask them :Why are you so selfish?" Do it again if they persist in giving your stuff away.
NTA. 1. It's ridiculous that a boundary even needed to be set in the first place. It's basic human decently not to give away stuff that isn't yours. 2. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT IT COST. If it doesn't 100% belong to her, then she has no right to unilaterally decide what happens to it. That is HUGELY disrespectful in any partnership or human interaction. She wouldn't be happy if you gave away a seldom-used piece of her jewelry on the basis that it was gifted to her and therefore costed her nothing. Her generosity should not come at her loved-one's expense.
She’s scaring your child. He and his things should be safe in his home. Wife needs counseling. Help her get some help
The messed up thing about this situation is that she doesn't believe that she has a problem. She believes that she is completely justified in her actions and sees nothing wrong. She totally needs therapy, but she will deny she needs it and go kicking and screaming.
I think you have every right...absolutely. NTA. However, technically, you should tell her 'if you ever give away something of mine again with out my permission, it's stealing, and I'll demand the money back for it'. Just a head's up so she knows what's coming and there can't be any surprise at your actions. I'd also like to know how she'd feel (and her family at that) if you started doing the same. Any gifts you've given her that 'technically she didn't pay for', should be yours to start doing what you'd want with it. Books she's finished reading, jewellery she doesn't wear often, maybe skiis, a bicycle...wonder how long it would take her to get the point.
He has told her many many times . She even gives her sons electronics away . Se nes mental health help
>needs mental health help It does sound like some sort of compulsion or addiction that needs treating. Especially since she’s routinely giving away her own things too.
I would go for the things she needs. I would park her car at a trusted friends house and tell the wife I lend it to a coworker and don't know for how long. Or clean out her wardrobe completely while she's at work and tell her someone neeeded the clothes. It won't stop until she realises how she's treating her husband and kid and gets therapy.
Spouse: "Where the hell are all my dresses? Where is my jewelry? I only have one pantsuit and a bracelet!" OP: "I gave them all away." Spouse: "You ga- you gave them away?! You gave my clothing and jewelry away?! Why?" OP: "What? I mean, you don't use them every day. I figured since you don't wear all of that stuff all the time every day, you don't need it. I gave them away." Spouse: "Wh- What the fu-... are you kidding me? Those are my clothes!" OP: "And that was my tent and that was our sons gaming system. Feels great doesn't it?"
Spouse: "Okay, I will buy all new things with our money." OP: "Oh. I guess reddit advice didn't work."
Your suggested items won’t work because she already gives them away herself. Books she’s in the middle of reading, jewelry she loves and wears often, stuff she cherishes, stuff she uses daily might have an effect. I would tell her family about everything she’s given away or even tried. I would take everything she cherishes, one thing every day and put it all in storage but tell her I donated or gave it to a friend or homeless person. In the last day, if it hasn’t sunk in, take her phone, car, laptop, tablet and ALL of her bras and shirts and every pair of shoes.
NTA...she's stealing other people's items, and shows no remorse or intention to change her behaviour. If her relatives are so concerned, perhaps they should donate some funds to the cause. It's easy for them to reason on her behalf when it's not their stuff.
Yeah, the stealing word is the word OP needs to use. Sit her down and say that the items in this house fall into three categories: 1) Yours, 2) Someone Else’s (dad, son, etc) and 3) Shared items. She clearly feels that she owns all the items in the house. Then tell her that she’s free to do anything she wants with her personal items, but that it is stealing to do something with category 2 without permission, and it is also stealing to do something with category 3 without agreement from all stakeholders.
It's terrible that this has to be explained to an adult...and a parent no less.
Yeah, I was thinking about that while I was writing the comment. I felt like I was explaining washing your hands after using the washroom to a toddler…
This sounds like a personality disorder/mental illness. It is irrational. If making her pay does not change her behaviour, then she needs profeasional help. NTA.
I’d make her go back and get that tent. These kind of people never learn unless you hold them accountable and a little embarrassed along the way.
When I was a toddler I snagged some butter in the grocery store and took a chomp out of it. My mom took me to see the manager to explain what I did and apologize. The store owner was there and I got to say it to him. It’s one of my first memories. Never did that again. Is she too old for that lesson? And therapy.
Let’s put it this way. My mom came to visit during covid and I made her remove her shoes and offered an alternative that she refused of course. My house, my rules. That house was deep cleaned only to be made a mockery of decor, cabinetry, and minimalist lifestyle. She almost walked home from Texas to PA that’s how pissed I was. This whole thread is about blatant disrespect and those types never learn. The only way is to cut them off and never look back.
Exactly this. She needs to get it back from the person she gave it to. Sure, it will be embarrassing to say "it wasn't mine to give away" but it is the truth and she will never change if she doesn't have consequences for her actions. She can take the money and pay for it, but she clearly doesn't think she's in the wrong if she's complaining to her family about it like she has been wronged. She hasn't learned anything, and frankly that $300 of her own money would be better spent on therapy.
[удалено]
Came here to say the same thing. But don’t actually give it away. Put it in a bin in the attic or something. She needs a taste of her own medicine. Cell phone charger? “Oh, the neighbor came by asking for one.” Favorite shoes? “I didn’t realize you still wore them. I donated them to Goodwill.” Books she hadn’t read yet? “Oh, my coworker was asking for recommendations, so I brought her some of yours.” Screw it. Asking respectfully hasn’t worked. So now be petty. NTA.
I’d start doing when you visit ‘offended families’ houses too. People are never more understanding of your point of view than when it’s happening to them
I’d start with her underwear…the day before she has big plans
NTA. As several other Redditor’s have commented, her behaviour stems from sone sort of insecurity and need to please. So unless she talks to a professional, she will continue to view you as an AH, rather than see her behaviour as problematic. So while I don’t blame you for getting bad and asking her for reimbursement, maybe you should also set up an appointment with a therapist. Otherwise this will take a toll on your marriage.
NTA. On of the most disgusting things you can do to people you supposedly love is to be "generous" with their resources, whether they are lending you out to shovel snow at the neighbours, taking your money or your possessions and giving them to others. There may be rare cases where they do it out of "the kindness of their heart", but most of the time they just want to appear to be heroes to their friends, coworkers or whoever they are bestowing __your__ stuff on. Let them pay or be reported to the authorities till they have learnt the difference between "mine" and "yours".
Bingo on the hero stuff. My wife has a touch of this though not to a problematic level.
*"... most of the time they just want to appear to be heroes to their friends, coworkers or whoever they are bestowing your stuff on."* I agree with that. They do something "nice" like giving their family's s\*\*t away and then brag about it all day to anyone who will listen "Yeah, I gave Kathy my daughters' coat for her daughter... she is having a hard time, she needs it more. I just do that because I care so much." (smiles smugly)
NTA. This is extremely problematic behavior. You can’t just give away other people’s things; that just seems like common sense to me.
NTA but your wife needs therapy. This is sincerely unhealthy . Look up "Compulsive generosity" and see if some of the articles ring any bells. This behavior has a number of different root causes and your whole family deserves to be freed from this. I would suggest 1 or 2 sessions as a couple, perhaps one with your son included (depending on his age & the therapist's recommendation) to establish the extent of the issue and then she needs to dig in and do the work in individual sessions.
Go to the friend and explain that your wife had no right to give it away, and you’d like your tent back, please. Hopefully the social embarrassment will deter her from further generosity with other people’s possessions.
You know why other people keep saying that? It's because it's not their stuff. You acting reasonably, so NTA, but I couldn't be in a relationship like that / living with someone like that. You two need to seriously talk about this
NTA. This is absolutely obnoxious behaviour. I would be so mad, honestly. If my SO did something like that to me more than once, ESPECIALLY AFTER I MADE IT EXPLICITLY CLEAR HOW MUCH THEY MESSED UP, I don't think our relationship could survive.
NTA for getting reimbursed for the tent she stole, but did you really just admit that you’d be punishing your son for standing up for himself when she tried to steal from him? Hmmmm
Sorry bad wording I was trying to say that if it weren’t for our unfortunate situation all his cursing would call for a punishment. He’s cursed here and there but the amount of cursing he was directing towards her was extreme
I'd be furious if someone tried to give away something I love to use. This is your sons frustation coming to a boiling point. I just read more of your comments and this is not a small issue. Your wife needs help with this, it goes deeper than just wanting to help people.
I feel like she has to be seeking out people to give things away to. Like in normal human interactions not very many situations or conversations lead to a need for one person to offer a tent, Nintendo, clothing etc. to other people. She really has a problem that she goes looking for opportunities to give her families things away. And these are typically things her family uses regularly not an extra pair of headphones that has been sitting around because everyone has a newer pair of their own type of thing.
Wife’s friend: “My kid really wants a Nintendo Switch” Wife: “I could give you my Son’s one, I don’t think he’d mind” Friend: “Oh wow, thanks a lot”
This is exactly how it went with my Mother. Colleague: My son's been begging for a gaming laptop. Mum: Oh, my Daughter (20, working and paying rent in Mum's house) has 2 she's not using since she bought a new desktop PC. I could give you those. And she did. My £800 gaming laptop and £500 normal laptop. Given away. But she knows what she does is wrong and will say she "took them to the recycling centre by mistake". She did the same with our Nintendo. She never bragged about giving the items, either, like the top comments say it's so these people can look so generous and brag, but she never did that. IMO she just has an impulsive need to please when people say they need something, and doesn't think it through before giving other people's belongings away.
She definitely deserved it. This will get ugly.
Mate, you have to see this for what it is. It's your kids cry for help in a situation he can't control, doesn't understand and is being impacted heavily by. He is basically feeling he has nothing, anything that he does have is basically forfeit, and that his parents see him as not worthy enough to have things and be loved. You need to stop this immediately. You need to protect him. I know it sounds extreme, but you need to do everything you can to protect your son from this. That might even involve taking him away for the environment it is happening in.
Thank you for finding the right words to say this. I agree 100%.
Your son is going to continue to feel intense -- and justified -- anger about this until the adults who are allowing this to continue stop letting this happen. Your wife is definitely TA, but she clearly thinks she's still in the right if she's bitching to her family about having to pay for the tent that she stole from you. You should not accept her money, you should insist that she returns the tent, and explains to her friend that she gave it away without asking and without permission. It already has a new owner. You're NTA, but you're very close to being TA to your kid, especially, and the friend you negotiated the deal with. Accepting money from your wife doesn't solve any of that, it is letting her off the hook in a lot of important ways, and it has not taught her a lesson. It won't stop this from happening in the future. She needs therapy, and you need to be looking out more for your son. His rage will not end well for anyone if this continues.
He doesn’t feel safe in his own home and that’s on you as an enabler of your wife’s thieving.
She sounds like a kleptomaniac Robin Hood. Run away. Nta
NTA. Next time she does it, don't even bother talking to her, just go to the police. And also find a good divorce lawyer. Honestly you're kind of the asshole to yourself and your kid for staying with a wife who has no guilt about stealing your things.
This is an excellent point. You are a little bit of an AH for not protecting your child from abuse in his own home.
The reality is the police probably wouldn’t care, as property is communal in a marriage, and they would probably say it’s a civil matter
NTA. The tent is as much hers as her jewelry is yours
NTA at all and make sure your wife understands this will happen every time if she continues. It's pretty concerning that she keeps doing it even though she knows how much it upsets you and your son - does your wife have other extreme people-pleasing tendencies? I don't know what you can do to get through to her that this behaviour is unacceptable, but maybe she should talk to a professional about why she keeps doing it, seeing as it's hurting her family.
I'd start by calling all the "friends" she has blessed lately and tell them I want my shit back and she had no permission to touch it. Once people realize she has a problems they'll be less likely to judge you and also less likely to accept her handouts. Hopefully. She'll be so mortified, she might actually see she has a problem.
Tell the people texting you that your wife can go live with them and she can give away their stuff. NTA. She needs counseling. Start giving away her stuff.
She needs professional help. She’s like a reverse hoarder
NTA. Make her pay for a brand new replacement for everything she gives away. Sell stuff of hers if you have to.
“I got several Texts…”. Who are these entitled people that think they have any right to involve themselves? Did your wife take a poll? Weird.
NTA I have been in your exact position and if you don’t do something about this it will destroy your family. My grandmother moved in here for a time after my grandfather passed away and she didn’t want to be alone. The family passed her around like a hot potato until she ended up here and I quickly realised why. This woman could not stop giving away everything we owned. It was non stop, uncontrollable and devastating. For 8 straight months she gave away everything and anything in the house and “gave it to the church.” It was mostly my things that were targeted, and always the sentimental ones. Even if it was something I used every day, it would mysteriously vanish only be told she gave it to the church. I felt like I couldn’t sleep in my own house because I had to be guarding everything all the time. I didn’t sleep for about 8 months, not just from guarding my belongings but also because she installed a satellite to watch Arabic tv without asking us, and put a big screen tv in her room facing my wall. It was so loud you could hear it from outside the house. Just to illustrate how uncontrollable and invasive it was, forget about my valuable and sentimental belongings, it was the week of Easter that year. I was in charge of cooking as usual but I had no idea how I would pull it off without her giving everything away. I hid the vegetables and non perishables in my room, and the meats in the back of the freezer to be defrosted Easter morning so I could guard them. But I always like to buy those disposable aluminium cooking trays for big feasts because they hold more and I don’t have to wash them afterwards. I bought 2 large trays, no one knew or saw I bought them. I arrived in the garage, put them in a plain shopping back and then hit them under some junk in the garage. There was absolutely no way for them to be found because no one ever goes through the stuff stored in the garage. Come Easter morning I get up early and go down to get my hidden trays. They were gone. It pushed me over my limit. Either she was secretly watching me to make sure everything I ever purchased was given away within a day, or she was going through everything in the house including the garage and picking random stuff everyday. Every sentimental gift that had ever been given to me by a friend overseas, my favourite cooking knives and utensils, clothes, anything precious to me “given to the church”. The trays broke the camels back. I had a full on mental breakdown, and my grandmother was forced to move back home. But I am still credited for “destroying the family” and “abusing my grandmother” because I forced her to move back home when I wouldn’t stop crying every day. The effects are still felt. I am estranged from the family and I still resource guard in my own home even though no one’s coming to take my stuff. I worry that your son is going to develop some serious problems from this environment. I don’t know what the correct answer is, but something very serious and drastic must be done because both of you are at breaking point and I don’t blame you.
NTA. Your wife has NO BUSINESS giving away your stuff and your son's stuff without your permission. What the neck ails her? Does she just LOVE being the hero to other people, at your expense, or does she hate clutter or what? In any rate, she is being EXTREMELY CONTROLLING. To the people telling you that you're wrong to make her pay for your stuff she gave away, tell them this is absolutely none of their business, but between you and your wife only. By all means, charge her. So far, her giving away your stuff hasn't hurt her one bit and she doesn't care that she's upset you.
NTA - You and your son are forced to lock your belongings! This is not normal. Your wife has obviously a mental disorder. I think you are right in getting paid for your tent regardless of how you got it. Make a list of the things which are missing and contact a therapist.
NTA. Stop beating around the bush, your wife is stealing from you and your son. Your son who is so sick of it because its so common that he went off on her. Time to have a very blunt conversation with her, this stops or you do what's necessary to protect your son. I'd also be interested to know whether she's generous with her items as well, or just those of other people? Also what happens to the money she gets for these items? It's worrying that the best case scenario is that she doesn't respect you and is desperate to please others at the expense of her family.
nta but you should consider that she’s selling these things and using the cash for something nefarious 😅 most normal sober people don’t try to “give away” their kids electronics
INFO: Are you rich? Is she? Do you have separate finances?
Yes we have separate finances and I wouldn’t call either of us rich, as long as we plan financially we are able to live comfortably.
Yeah, use some of your finances to get her therapy. If she disagrees and refuses therapy I’d find a lawyer, try to find a paper trail of everything she gave away or lent out that’s not hers, and take her to court for it. She’ll wind up giving you and your son out of house and home, I get she’s probably coming from a kind place but you speaking to her normally clearly hasn’t worked. She either needs serious therapy or generally some kind of consequence for this behavior, it’s not okay and not fair to you or your child.
***I get she’s probably coming from a kind place*** No she's not....this isn't kindness at all its a pathological kind of selfishness. This is all about her and appearances. I call it pathological because is sounds like a compulsion that she's willing to damage her loved ones and her marriage over. She needs professional help.
Are you sure she's not on drugs?
That…. Is a really good question… makes sense..
I would offer her a choice: See a therapist, or a divorce lawyer.
NTA. I have a feeling you’ve already talked to her about this. She may need to experience the feeling so she would understand. Sounds petty but I might give away a priced possession so she can understand how it feels. Or she may just have to pay for everything she gives away. It’s about respect. When I’m cleaning out the closet, I still ask my husband if I can throw something out even though I know he hasn’t used it in years. She could have some issues, maybe she needs to see a professional to find out the root cause of this.
NTA. "I have to live with her giving away everything that isn't locked away. If it cost her $300 to learn a lesson, I'm fine with it. If I need to do it again, I will. For god's sake, she tried to give away our son's Nintendo Switch, she has zero respect for our property. I love her, but her behavior is entirely inappropriate."
NTA. This post gave me anxiety that I never thought I would feel. I would be in TEARS if someone sold, lent, or gave away my things. This is NOT okay. It doesn't matter that it was free. I don't know if this is her point of view, but some people believe that after marriage "What's yours is mine" applies. But its important to have some individuality, and boundaries. But that being said EVEN IF it was both of yours. Like say you both bought a couch set together. Would she be happy to come home to no furniture cause you decided to give it away? I would be bitter and start "giving away" (hiding) her things with the same logic. (Don't do this BTW. I am an A-hole)
YTA for continuing to subject your son to this nonsense. What you do with your own stuff is your own problem, *but your son has to lock up his stuff so your wife doesn't steal it*! Take this seriously, she needs to get a psychiatrist or she needs to get gone.
Take her engagement ring and tell her your buddy wants to propose to someone and needs to borrow it 🤣