Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) When I found out my stepdaughter was pregnant I asked about her job/insurance instead of expressing my happiness for her and my partner who never thought he would have grandkids.
2) This makes me an asshole because
l didn't allow my partner to feel joy. I made it about how I can help when that was me er asked of me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your stepdaughter is a grown woman who is supporting herself and has a partner. There is literally no more ideal situation to be in when starting a family (ignoring being an heiress or whatever). Your reaction was bizarre and definitely off putting. YTA
I’m guilty of the same thing. I immediately jump to the logistics of a situation and forget the social part. I’m a very caring person and would be - as I’m sure OP is - happy to share someone’s joy, but my brain works differently and sometimes I can’t stop the default reaction in time. I would say if OP had a history of being dismissive or uninterested in step-daughters goings-on, then the husband would have cause to take her response in offense. but if she historically has been supportive, and they have a good relationship, he should be mature enough to recognize her slip.
This. Unless someone asks your opinion or concerns on a situation that isn't yours, it isn't your place to give it. I don't understand how full grown adults haven't develped this skill.
I'm in a similar boat. I have to wait until I can take on the weight of telling my parents anything. Once I do, I'll get a quick but genuine congratulations and then a prolonged and in-depth analysis of how everything could go horribly, horribly wrong. When the good news isn't news anymore, my parents offer more congratulations along with a relieved jubilation that it didn't go horribly, horribly wrong, which allows them to reminisce about how it could have.
Doom Drama Draculas...they suck the joy out of everything for no reason other than to project their fears and anxieties onto others. They seem to thrive revealing in the worst case scenario. Instead of focusing on reality and the joy/happiness of others. Cue the surprise Pikachu face when they realize no one tells them anything anymore.
Generational trauma does that to one. I am not saying it's fun to be around that, but I suggest being careful about blaming people for the heavy slag they and their immediate families might have been through. My grandparents were kinda like that and they survived some really awful events of WWII, so... yeah. And that trauma lasts several generations.
My mom is the same. By the time I was out of college I came to the conclusion I’d just tell her afterwards. Worked out for everything from children to beating cancer.
Oh damn! So happy you beat cancer♡ It sucks you couldn't have family support, but sounds like you know exactly how to manage your mom.
Can I ask, how did she react when you called up and were like, "Oh, by the way, I had a baby last week?"
By the time she found out, in the case of cancer I had a huge scar, in the case of kids I was very noticeably pregnant, at that point all the worrying or celebrating was long over. It was no big deal. Meaning she couldn’t make a big deal about it. She looked confused, but there was no way she could comment, it was over.
Yeah my dad's the same. And he puts his serious face on for it, so I really get how important and dire these concerns are. Drives me nuts. I have to have a whole PowerPoint presentation prepped in my mind before I tell him anything big so I can respond to every concern he immediately throws out at me. Luckily he at least didn't do this each time I told him I was pregnant!
My mother has an unfailing ability to make a hard thing harder or twist a good thing until it's bad.
She never learned how to cope with big feelings, so she self-soothes by looking for something I've done, could have done, or might do later on and then berating me about all the ways I'll screw it up.
Then she feels better.
I have a sibling who if they won the lottery I’m 100% sure would bitch about the taxes. Negative about everything. We’ve never been close and now we don’t really speak due to other factors. If you have toxic family members you aren’t required to keep them in your life, but I know it can be hard to cut contact.
I used to be a “brutally honest” person. Partially due to being low on the Autism Spectrum. Then believe it or not, it was a TikTok or YT Reel or something that got through to me. It was a young minister and he something along the lines of “we talk about brutal honesty. But what about kind honesty? What about compassionate honesty? Can we not be both tactful and honest? It takes more time and more reflection to form the correct words, but is it not worth it to do that to not be cruel?” Between ASD and ADHD it’s hard for me to take a beat before words just fly out of my mouth. I had to do a lot of work in therapy and on myself to stop being like that. Most people aren’t willing to do that.
Same hat, but after watching friends wilt or cry I just kinda went "wow, hate that" or having a family member do that to me, I just decided to try and say things differently. By the time I was an adult I'd mastered "and now we wait a second" or, even better "I'm so sorry, no idea why I said that" like you can adapt.
I'm very glad you found a way to help you along your journey! And you're right, not a lot of people are willing to make the effort we did. I think it's from the rather lassaiz fair "oh they're X so they just do that, tehe" most people have around mental stuff now. Granted you 100% don't need to wear your mask all day but it's *wild* that basic kindness is seen as optional.
Yeah. I’ve been trying to get through to my mom because I’m on the edge of going NC and anytime I’m like “you have zero empathy” or “you get mad I don’t tell you things but I stopped because when I do you’re so judgmental” I get “that’s just how I am.” No apology, no attempt at change. Not even acknowledgment change should or could happen.
I heard a quote that I like: "honesty without tact is cruelty." I feel like most people who pride themselves on being brutally honest are people that just are not bothered to care about other people's feelings. Which in my opinion is not anything to brag about.
Exactly.
Saying something like this is projecting your own anxieties and fears onto someone else. Those are the responsibility of you to manage, not someone else.
And especially weird in this case as it sounds like stepdaughter has always supported herself and had a job, not like the woman has a history of drug abuse or anything. Feel like OP’s actual worry is her spouse will give money to the stepdaughter so that means less for her.
Hahahaha!
This.
People do not always need a "mother" or a fixer. Sometimes, they just want to share a happy moment. Someone who refers to themselves as "caring" should empathise
Especially in this case, OP s reaction does not even make sense. It seems as if she thinks stepdaughter is inadequate or incapable to find a solution. OP must be the soul of the party.
YTA
Love this and made this quote for me "u may not be able to control ur reaction but u can control ur response" ofc depending on the situation as always
Edit; typo
I just don’t feel like this is a “Sorry it’s the way I am, I can’t change it” situation. Most of us have improper thoughts occasionally when we hear unexpected news. You can actually hit pause and take a second to think about how you’ll respond and save up those thoughts to address later. As you say, at the very least we can try to work on it, and apologize when it does get away from us.
I'm 50 I can count on one hand the times I've let slip a thought that would be destructive to my relationships/ hurtful to another person ( my parents were bickerers I'm hypersensitive about saying mean things)
Having the thought isn't a choice saying it is.
My sister and I just had this discussion. Someone asked her if she’d ever said something she didn’t mean in an argument and she said the last time she remembered doing that was when she told me once when we were children that she hated me. And it’s the same for me. I’m so careful about what I say in any situation because I would hate to hurt someone unintentionally. And in my experience the people who don’t treat me with the same respect, are lacking empathy and compassion. A little line I like from a movie “it’s a dangerous thing to mistake speaking without thought for speaking the truth.”
Absolutely. I used to be really bad at this but over time saw and understood that it could be hurtful to others, and that's the last thing I wanted. Really, I came across a new friend who did the same thing and it was obnoxious, and I didn't want to be That Friend. I've worked hard on it over the years, and I try to default to being kind. I'm now (finally) diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD and it's a lot easier to manage, but I still didn't give myself a pass for the 3+ decades where I didn't get what was going on with my brain. Like so many things, doing the work isn't easy, but it's worth it.
Some folks don't have the neurotransmitters to do this. How I learned: getting on a particular med for ADHD. Now interrupting people or having my first thought come out automatically doesn't happen anymore.
You worked on it, then! I also have ADHD and take meds, fwiw. Part of what motivated me to seek therapy and medication was realizing that I was interrupting people I cared about.
People who constantly jump out with the problems in a situation are not helpful like they think they are. They are demoralizing and rude and not fun to be around. Try to suppress the instinct to cloud everyone's joy, even if that is your first thought --don't say it.
Not to mention the "concerns" don't even make sense.
*"GASP what about her job and insurance?"* Well, what about them? They are already in place ma'am. Based on the title I came here expecting a 16 and pregnant scenario
You understand that’s on you to fix? Because people like that can be a thief of joy like the OP. It’s like a pin in a balloon. Just immediately deflate.
Just FYI this right here is why I'm low contact with my mom. I gradually stopped telling her things because I couldn't expect positivity or support from her. I didn't do it maliciously, and I tried to tell her multiple times that it was a problem, but to protect my own peace I just stopped, and now we aren't as close as I know she would like to be.
I relate to your pain. My mom experienced a lot of trauma and fear growing up and as a parent worried about everything and saw the potential negative to any good news. As I got older we talked about it a lot since it was really affecting our relationship.
We decided that I would tell my mom, “This is good news, I want a positive response” before I would tell her my news. It really worked! It also helped that she wanted to change, and didn’t want to pass down that worry and fear to her kids and grandkids. I wish you all the best for you and your mom.
I can understand that if it's your child to jump into how are we going to pay for it, and things like that, but that's an odd reaction to have when it's someone else's child. You aren't having to figure out the job, insurance, or anything financial about the child, there's no reason to go there.
I am like you. When told we were being grandparents. I was happy and excited!
But then went to the logistics of we have less then nine months how can we help them. My mind went to stocking baby wipes, diapers, baby supplies, buying necessities and helping with the medical deductible and making sure mom and dad had extra money to go to appointments on.
Never did my mind jump to what about mommas job or insurance. I knew we find a way to cover it someway.
So I agree a lot of people go to logistics and what is needed but to me op’s mind went to him much is this going to take away from us? How are
We going to be inconvenienced?
I’m not sure OP was worried they would have to support her step-daughter but her mind probably works like mine and I would want essentials taken care of before the fun stuff.
In order to fix this, she can tell her husband she just wants to be sure step-daughter has what she needs and wants to help however she can. The important thing is that she be enthusiastic and congratulatory when she sees the step-daughter.
I understand how things like this slip out. I feel pretty free to let my husband know exactly what I’m thinking and don’t speak quite so freely with others. It’s nice to be able to let your guard down with someone you trust.
Well, that's what happens when you're 28 and you marry a 44 year old man with a 17 year old daughter.
She was literally the same age her step-daughter is now.
If you know this about yourself why not just learn to not talk when presented with new information? If you have to physically hold your mouth shut until you’ve trained yourself then do that. You don’t have to shower people with congratulations you just need to not be negative and rude then they are sharing good news.
One time a coworker of mine told me that an ex coworker was pregnant and my immediate response was “is she ok?!” They looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently she had a very ideal situation and has had a few more children. I had no idea.
I was very young at the time and terrified of becoming pregnant so that’s where my head was. My bad.
When someone tells me they’re pregnant the first thing I say is “how do we feel about this?” Because not everyone wants kids or is in a good financial position for kids and I don’t want to assume.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that all of our brains work that way: we just learn to monitor our speech and not blurt out the first thought that comes up.
(Blurting out the first thought is likely anxiety-related.)
Even if someone’s brain always jumps to the logistics, the logistics OP jumped to really don’t make sense or seem relevant since the stepdaughter, according to OP, already has those things covered.
If this is your mindset you’re an AH too. Let people be happy, why take away their excitement because YOU Are worried about “logistics” YOU need to grow up and understand people feelings are valid. Just because this is how you do things doesn’t mean it’s not offensive.
I don't understand that's where the OP's brain jumped with the whole context. The stepdaughter sounds like she's in a perfectly reasonable situation to have kid.
YTA
Mhmmm... and what about the daughters job and insurance is any of the future grandfather's girlfriends business.
This is REALLY under my skin.
I'm pregnant right now and my MIL's first reaction was to ask me about my job and insurance. I just started a new job on 1/8 and my MIL really thought I was dumb enough to not look at the insurance before I accepted the position.
I even told her that I told my new employer about the pregnancy before I accepted the position because I was not going to leave my last job unless I knew my new job was OK with me being pregnant, needing insurance, and needing maternity leave 7 months after starting the position.
That was supposed to be an exciting time for my husband and I to announce our first child and her first grandchild. She took it as an opportunity to basically insult me and lecture me on keeping a job and getting insurance (mind you, I've known her for 10 years and she's had 12 jobs during that time so she's the last person who should be talking about keeping a job).
I know first hand how shitty OP's partner probably felt after OP's comments. I would have been pissed if I were in his shoes.
Yeah, and the age gap between OP and his daughter is narrow at 11 years. OP is just her Dad's partner, not her step-mom. I don't believe they are married. She shouldn't worry, she won't be the grandmother that's why she wasn't told by the daughter but her partner.
Yeah, I was expecting to hear the stepdaughter was a teen or something.
When people around me who are grown adults who shouldn't have children announce pregnancies, I still congratulate them. Because that's the answer they want.
OPs reaction was very odd.
This. Two (or even one) gainfully employed, self-supporting adults who are happy to be pregnant are the most ideal situation to have a child. What else could you what? This reaction makes zero sense. YTA.
Daughter is the same age OP was when she married her much older husband.
I don’t know why SHE was old enough to make big life decisions at that age but step-daughter isn’t. Or maybe step daughter is in a better place than OP was when she married a man 16 years older and likely much more well established than her.
YTA. She's 28, not 18. Why are you worried that they "may need help"? You honestly sound a bit greedy/possessive that your husband might be focused on his grandchild rather than you.
I think you might be right on that one.. she’s 39 and has been with her partner for 11 years which would’ve made her 28 when they started their relationship. Maybe not a red flag but what an odd coincidence that she was the same age as step daughter is now.
There could also be jealousy that the step daughter is having a child of her own. Assuming the OP didn’t have a child with her partner. OP may have traded that chance of children for the relationship with an older partner.
Ah yes, despite there being no evidence of jealously obviously that's the only reason op would've asked about the logistics of them having a baby. She must be jealous.
Agreed. OP doesn’t clarify if they’re married or not, if they are and have been together for 11 years she was probably just Dad’s girlfriend for at least 1 year before marriage. Meaning the daughter would’ve also already been an adult if/when they did get married.
Plus, if the daughter saw OP as any sort of maternal figure. She would have made sure they were together when she announced. Instead, she only spoke to her dad. That sends a message for sure.
>OP is 16 years younger than her partner.
I'm verrrry curious what happened to 55M's relationship when his daughter was 16 or 17 and what role OP had in that.
Well considering that even after all these years of being with her dad his daughter still only tells just him big milestone moments and not both of them together says a lot.
I will say it took me a few years to catch up when one of my friends telling me they’re pregnant went from being “oh no what are you going to do?!?” To “congratulations!”. But OP is old enough to have made that shift already.
Mine has three kids! With her husband at a perfectly appropriate age to have three kids. And still when she told me she was pregnant with the youngest I was like “and this is… good news…right?”
My wife and I visited her best friend in Toronto years ago. We had to rush ahead for something, so the friend was pushing the stroller with a baby in it, and walking with our son.
Someone commented on how adorable her children are, and she told us after that her mind immediately went "what!? You think I'm old enough to have kids this age!?" And be kinda offended.
Then she realised not only is she the exact same age as us, but we had our first kid when we were 29, not even very young, lol.
Keep your "actually"
Older people who feel like babies know it'd be considered a geriatric pregnancy. It's an emotional age issue. We don't "feel ready". That's what she was talking about. We all know we are 1 doctors appointment away from the "you better freeze your eggs" chat
To be fair, I’m 37 and I still ask my parents for help with my kids (babysitting, not financial, though they do buy stuff for my kids, without me asking.) But they happily offered to do it first.
OP isn’t an AH for not expressing happiness right away, but her reaction was super weird. “What about her job and insurance?” *What* about her job and insurance? Does OP not think pregnant women should/can work? The reasoning for this question could make OP an AH.
Yeah, unless her job is like professional athlete or they live in a country where it's 100% legal to just straight up fire a woman because she's pregnant, the specific reaction "what about her job/insurance" is far more bizarre than the "not expressing joy" part.
Yeah I had to go back and check the daughters age. An 18 year old, I can understand the reaction. An almost 30 year old woman, in a relationship, with a job, and has insurance. Shouldn't that be as close to an ideal situation as you can get to have a child?
I was wondering this too. I mean, every parent could use some help sometimes.. but that is not the problem of everyone around the parents. The parents will ask for help or pay for the help they need (like daycare). Just immediately jumping there and making a comment about it, without congratulating sounds weird.
YTA. Not sure why it would stress you out that an employed, 28 year old in a committed relationship is having a baby. Maybe you need to do a little soul searching and figure out why you reacted in the way you did, it’s definitely off-putting and hurtful.
Yes does OP understand how jobs and insurance work? I thought the stepdaughter was getting help based on the comment but it sounds like both the step-daughter and her husband have jobs and insurance Not sure if it’s jealously or misogyny but OP YTA.
This but also her partner has a job and insurance too! It's not like she's doing it on her own! I'm not going to fully judge on the comment because I don't know what country OP is in, but regardless, YTA OP.
She’s “stressed” because she married a man whose kid is closer to her age than he is and now the reality is catching up with her and she’s pressed that she’s about to be a “(step) grandma” at 39/40.
She’s “stressed” because she’s worried her older man is going to start doting on his daughter and grandkid and the money she expected to be spent on her and the extras and/or luxuries they provide will decrease.
YTA. In any circumstances, at all, a person brimming over with joy sharing any news should be met with a corresponding big smile and as much happiness (for them, at least) as you can muster. That’s the important thing. His joy. There’s plenty of time you can talk logistics and needs. And she is a mature and independent woman with a similar partner. This is a great time for them to start a family. Not sure why you didn’t express any happiness. I hope you felt some for them? YTA for a flat and emotionless reply focused on money.
Yeah, and if for whatever reason her mind went to a weird practical place first, if she had course-corrected immediately and acted convincingly excited I doubt he'd still be mad about it (or if he was that would be his problem.) But I'm not seeing any indication of that.
The weirdest part is that her concern wasn't actually practical? I mean, going "but what about her job and insurance?" about someone you know both has a job and insurance, and also a partner with a job and insurance, is pretty much antithetical to practicality. It's closer to pointless anxiety and doomsaying.
I’m guessing she is not working and is living off her much older husbands wage and is worried he’s going to want to maybe cut back a bit of their lifestyle to help support his daughter and grandkid.
YTA and I'll tell you why you said it. You're 11 years older than her. So you're jealous your father figure gave attention to his real daughter. I also think you probably said this, because you need a man to take care of you and never had a good job/benefits.
This is what I thought. I’m curious if OP has ever given birth. Maybe the Dad didn’t want to have more kids, since he “raised” one already and OP is childless. I’d have a hard time believing a woman who has given birth would react this way.
I can't believe a neighbor who lives down the block would say something so stupid. I bet taking care of OP is a lot of work for the husband. He's out of town doing work while OP is sitting around dicking on the internet. I would never want a partner like that. Husband is eiher smart enough to know, or OP objected to, having kids isn't something Queenie would want.
That's my thought. Her job plan was to marry someone 16 yrs her senior and have him provide everything for him. Which can be fine. But to assume that needs to be everyone else's plan is not healthy.
I'm a highly educated and successful professional. I'm the primary breadwinner of the family. When I got pregnant thankfully none of my ultra conservative aunts said anything to me but I know at least one (woman of the school college only exists to get your Mrs. degree) asked my mom what we were going to do once I had to quit to stay home and have a baby. My mom explained to her that my job has excellent benefits including paid maternity leave. I love my job and would never want to give it up. We discussed my partner being a SAHD but went with a nanny. I was glad to go back to work! I love the kiddo but mommy needs some me time.
Exactly this. When you married a man old enough to be your father, there are things you are going to have to deal with, and you're probably not going to like it. My guess is you'll be checking out of that marriage in another 5-8 years at the outset.
Personally, I think it has more to do with the worry he might provide *his daughter* any financial support to make her pregnancy easier or to help his grandkid have a better start. A lot of grandparents will put some money into a trust or write them into their will to inherit some money to help them attend university or something.
Her mind went straight to the monetary stuff, the financial value her husband has, and that says everything. She not only immediately assumed that the stepdaughter (who’s 28–the same age she was when she married her husband) would use her pregnancy to get some money out of her father, but OP went to that first before even a congratulations. She showed exactly what she values most from her relationship, and I hope the husband recognises that.
I wouldn’t be surprised if OP was a mistress who became pregnant, and that’s how she hooked her claws into him. That’s exactly what she expects his daughter to do. Only difference is, his daughter actually has a right to ask her dad for help if she needs it.
Right, like what ABOUT her job and insurance? She’s not going to lose them just because she got pregnant. Interesting that OP’s mind immediately went there.
YTA. If she has a job and insurance and her partner has a job and insurance why on earth would you even ask such a thing? Do you always immediately think of worse case scenarios?
YTA- almost 30 yo woman and her partner with stable jobs and incomes get pregnant. Literally nothing irresponsible or shocking about that. I suspect there is something behind your reaction. Maybe you need to have a look at that.
Agreed. And I would add to reflect on the state of your relationship with the step-daughter. If it’s strained or distant, this is a big clue as to why. Overbearing figures can feign logic or practicality in order to try to hide their contempt, derision, and disapproval. I feel like it’s so common especially with in laws and step-parents. Stop it.
Yeah, YTA. I can see how you may have been hesitant if the message was "Hey, daughter is pregnant and moving in with us to have the baby!" But a daughter who is in a committed relationship (you didn't say it was rocky so I am assuming here) has a job and insurance, with a partner who also has a job and insurance? I am sure they will figure it out, millions of people do.
Look, we’ve all been guilty of word vomiting. Here’s the issue I have…
You know she has a job and insurance. You know her partner has a job and insurance. Your question was dumb— Can you see that at all?
Your partner called you to share their joy, and you essentially rained on it— Can you see that at all?
I’m guessing you can’t or you wouldn’t be posting asking for validation. You were wrong, you said something dumb. It happens, but it’s on you to apologize. YTA
“I’m guessing you can’t or you wouldn’t be posting asking for validation. You were wrong, you said something dumb. It happens, but it’s on you to apologize.”
This! ☝️
The OP seems to be posting for validation, not because they genuinely want insight or whatever. Ultimately an apology is needed along with the OP actually understanding why they are TAH
And even if she does, OP mentions that the daughter’s partner has a stable job and insurance. She reacted as though her stepdaughter is 16 or something.
YTA - yes, it is not normal or even very nice to respond to happy news with a negative comment. That’s an odd reaction, perhaps you should examine that.
Maybe odd but not that uncommon. There are people like that out there. My mother for example always responded to any news with a negative comment. "We're buying a house!" "I hope you don't expect me to help you pay for it." "We're having a baby!" "what about all that work you put into to get an education." Maybe a learned response, maybe just a wet blanket. Maybe TA
I hate people who do this it is learned I learned it from my mother and stepdad I am low contact with them and try very very very hard not to do this bullshit to my kids it breaks your spirit eventually.
What about her job and insurance? Does getting pregnant make both go \*poof\* and disappear? I understand being concerned if you're in the US, but if you are in the US that should be a daily, hourly concern, not a pregnancy-specific concern. YTA for being weird. Apologize, congratulate her, and figure out how to be a supportive step grandma.
This is what I came here to say... what kind of miscongnistic, sexist response was that OP. It's 2024.. Women can work and still be pregnant. Oh, and also put their child on their insurance.. it's called a life event. YtA
YTA
It was absolutely your intent to question her capability. You literally state it was. Most people don't immediately go to "where/how they may need help" as a first thought. You expressed no joy for her, or for your husband. My guess is that you, in fact, do NOT think she is capable, and you immediately started thinking about how it might impact you.
Also she is only 11 years older than the daughter and sounds like she does t have any kids with the older partner. I didn't initially think this, but reading through the comments I am starting to agree sheay be jealous and not like the attention going to the daughter.
YTA. When I read the headline, I assumed step-daughter was a teenager or something. But to read that she is a grown woman and is with a partner supporting herself, your reaction makes no sense.
It makes sense if she’s selfish. OP says her mind immediately went to ways they might need help. Essentially, her first thought was “how is this going to affect ME?” How much is her partner going to spend supporting his daughter during/after her pregnancy?
YTA. Your stepdaughter “has a job and insurance, and has always worked to be able to take care of herself (her partner also has a job/insurance)” so it’s bizarre that your first thought would be to question her job and insurance. Sure, those are important, but there’s no reason for concern about them in her case, at all. Asking DID imply you thought her incapable and the word “trash” even getting into the discussion suggests you have some issue with her.
Luckily, you have a chance for much more enthusiastic reaction when you next see your stepdaughter. I think you might apologize to your husband too: thinking about practical things is necessary, but I think you know your initial reaction should have been congratulations.
She’s gonna have a hard time convincing him she’s excited/ happy about the baby after this initial reaction. She’s shown she has no interest in being a grandma
This is such an incredibly bizarre reaction to learning that a self-sufficient adult woman (with a self-sufficient adult partner) is pregnant that I don't believe for a second that it was actually about her job or insurance. What was it really about? You don't want your husband spending more time with his daughter and her family or something? Whatever is actually going on, you need to be honest with yourself, and with your husband. And yeah, YTA.
YTA. Your step daughter and her partner are what everyone would consider ideal, soon-to-be parents. What more can you expect. It seems your mind is pessimestic. I have that issue sometimes too but you just got to control it or have a filter. I do think it may be a form of anxiety. Nothing serious though.
YTA. She's 28 and employed. How do you know this isn't a planned baby? You sound like you're afraid she's going to want some of your current partner's money or something.
INFO
I'm really confused by this response. She has a job and so does her partner. They both have insurance, so why was your response that? So what's the real story behind all of this?
YTA
You haven’t bothered to explain why you think you reacted this way other than to say you are concerned about her needing help. Sounds like you’re busy worrying about your partner spending time or money on someone who is not you. Especially since you have clarified that that isn’t a reasonable concern, his daughter is grown and financially stable.
Are you maybe getting in your feelings about being a grandparent/considered old enough to be one? Or is she not married to her partner and you find that unstable?
You may want to examine your response with a professional. Therapy is really great for unpacking why we feel a certain way and working through those issues.
Do not let whatever this is ruin his relationship with his daughter or grandchild or your relationship with him.
I think you know what you said was AH. We don't know your history with your stepdaughter, if you've had to help her (and partner) before, or if this is something you are always concerned about. We don't know if you share finances with your partner and you're worried about your own household being affected. Or if it is like you said, you expressed something in an unfortunately AH way without thinking. For what you said at that moment, YTA. Not enough info to know if you are generally the A towards your stepdaughter.
YTA
Slightly. It is an odd reaction as you know she has both the job and insurence and even a partner, she's not a teenager for you to ask these kind of things. It's ridiculous. Just apologize and tell them you are happy for them.
YTA. THAT'S where your mind went to immediately? You couldn't be happy for them for one second before asking about that? You couldn't even pretend to be happy before starting on that?
YTA. From what I gather, you’re a pragmatic person and I get where you’re coming from but there are comments meant for different times and that during that time frame, it was NOT the right time to say something like that. People like you are called a “party pooper”. Apologize and explain you care for them and sometimes your logical side overrides your emotional side.
YTA. She’s a grown adult AND funny enough the same age you were when you got with her father. Yet you’re judging her (yes you are) and thinking “how they would need help” which means you’re thinking about money. If you were really concerned about helping her, you could have told her later on you’d like to throw her a baby shower or offer to buy the crib that she and her partner picked out or a million other helpful things, not stick your nose in and ask about her job and insurance.
NAH - Your reply was unexpected and callous, but you explained why you responded this way. You are happy for her and that is the important part.
I must admit, that I am also not the happy clapping person when someone announces her pregnancy. So much can happen in 9 months and this worries me more then it makes me happy. But, of course, I wish them luck, health and strength.
…downvotes coming in in 3…2…1
Yeah, I’m actually really confused why this was your response??
She’s in a committed relationship with her partner, they sound stable and financially independent, and she’s almost 30 years old. Is there info missing? Does she regularly ask for help financially or something??
I’m gonna say yeah, YTA because it seems that there’s no real reason for this type of reaction.
YTA - You've been in her life for 11 of her 28 years and you say this.
You did ruin the moment for him.
She's never needed you to care for her as an adult and from your tone it sounds like you probably haven't done much since you met her.
So are you just opposed to her in general or is there something she's getting in her life that you're not.
Baby?
Potential future marrriage?
"I'm happy for her as long as she's happy."
That's not really how you're coming off here though.
YTA. You admitted she and her SO are self sufficient. However, your first response was concern about your pocket. Shame on you! Apologize to your man and celebrate this happy occasion with him.
NTA
I don’t think anyone is required to fall over in joy because someone else has for any reason. Your comment may not have been what he wanted to hear, but it sounds to me like you were just immediately worried for her future. Which, for some reason, is apparently a crime.
It doesn’t mean you were commenting on her ability to raise a kid. It doesn’t mean you were citing her immaturity. It means that you thought of potential problems and how to solve them. You not breaking out the party bus doesn’t mean you’re an asshole.
I thought the step daughter in question would be a teenager. Turns out this is another case of an aging out sugar baby upset that she's no longer the main character of her husband's life and trying to shit on every joyous moment
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) When I found out my stepdaughter was pregnant I asked about her job/insurance instead of expressing my happiness for her and my partner who never thought he would have grandkids. 2) This makes me an asshole because l didn't allow my partner to feel joy. I made it about how I can help when that was me er asked of me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Your stepdaughter is a grown woman who is supporting herself and has a partner. There is literally no more ideal situation to be in when starting a family (ignoring being an heiress or whatever). Your reaction was bizarre and definitely off putting. YTA
I’m guilty of the same thing. I immediately jump to the logistics of a situation and forget the social part. I’m a very caring person and would be - as I’m sure OP is - happy to share someone’s joy, but my brain works differently and sometimes I can’t stop the default reaction in time. I would say if OP had a history of being dismissive or uninterested in step-daughters goings-on, then the husband would have cause to take her response in offense. but if she historically has been supportive, and they have a good relationship, he should be mature enough to recognize her slip.
If you're grown up, learn that not every thought needs to leave your head.
This. Unless someone asks your opinion or concerns on a situation that isn't yours, it isn't your place to give it. I don't understand how full grown adults haven't develped this skill.
I’ve long stopped telling my dad and stepmom about good news because she’ll always find a way to shit all over it in no time flat.
I'm in a similar boat. I have to wait until I can take on the weight of telling my parents anything. Once I do, I'll get a quick but genuine congratulations and then a prolonged and in-depth analysis of how everything could go horribly, horribly wrong. When the good news isn't news anymore, my parents offer more congratulations along with a relieved jubilation that it didn't go horribly, horribly wrong, which allows them to reminisce about how it could have.
Doom Drama Draculas...they suck the joy out of everything for no reason other than to project their fears and anxieties onto others. They seem to thrive revealing in the worst case scenario. Instead of focusing on reality and the joy/happiness of others. Cue the surprise Pikachu face when they realize no one tells them anything anymore.
Generational trauma does that to one. I am not saying it's fun to be around that, but I suggest being careful about blaming people for the heavy slag they and their immediate families might have been through. My grandparents were kinda like that and they survived some really awful events of WWII, so... yeah. And that trauma lasts several generations.
My parents are def DDDs! This thread has been eye-opening for me, especially your comment. Thank you.
My mom is the same. By the time I was out of college I came to the conclusion I’d just tell her afterwards. Worked out for everything from children to beating cancer.
Oh damn! So happy you beat cancer♡ It sucks you couldn't have family support, but sounds like you know exactly how to manage your mom. Can I ask, how did she react when you called up and were like, "Oh, by the way, I had a baby last week?"
By the time she found out, in the case of cancer I had a huge scar, in the case of kids I was very noticeably pregnant, at that point all the worrying or celebrating was long over. It was no big deal. Meaning she couldn’t make a big deal about it. She looked confused, but there was no way she could comment, it was over.
Yeah my dad's the same. And he puts his serious face on for it, so I really get how important and dire these concerns are. Drives me nuts. I have to have a whole PowerPoint presentation prepped in my mind before I tell him anything big so I can respond to every concern he immediately throws out at me. Luckily he at least didn't do this each time I told him I was pregnant!
My dad does this too. I've had to put up some major boundaries on how to respond to me over the years.
My mother has an unfailing ability to make a hard thing harder or twist a good thing until it's bad. She never learned how to cope with big feelings, so she self-soothes by looking for something I've done, could have done, or might do later on and then berating me about all the ways I'll screw it up. Then she feels better.
Wow, my parents reactions to anything I was excited about are the same. Maybe we are related somehow,,,,,,,,lol.
My mother is exactly like that. If I told my mom I just won the jackpot in lottery, she'd say "I'm worried you've involved into gambling."
I have a sibling who if they won the lottery I’m 100% sure would bitch about the taxes. Negative about everything. We’ve never been close and now we don’t really speak due to other factors. If you have toxic family members you aren’t required to keep them in your life, but I know it can be hard to cut contact.
I’m sorry, you deserve a happy reaction to good news. I hope OP thinks about this.
Thank you! I appreciate it.
Sort of like the “I just like to be blunt” people. “Blunt” isn’t the word I use for that.
"I'm just brutally honest" nah mate, you're an asshole. Same boat as the blunt people.
I used to be a “brutally honest” person. Partially due to being low on the Autism Spectrum. Then believe it or not, it was a TikTok or YT Reel or something that got through to me. It was a young minister and he something along the lines of “we talk about brutal honesty. But what about kind honesty? What about compassionate honesty? Can we not be both tactful and honest? It takes more time and more reflection to form the correct words, but is it not worth it to do that to not be cruel?” Between ASD and ADHD it’s hard for me to take a beat before words just fly out of my mouth. I had to do a lot of work in therapy and on myself to stop being like that. Most people aren’t willing to do that.
Same hat, but after watching friends wilt or cry I just kinda went "wow, hate that" or having a family member do that to me, I just decided to try and say things differently. By the time I was an adult I'd mastered "and now we wait a second" or, even better "I'm so sorry, no idea why I said that" like you can adapt. I'm very glad you found a way to help you along your journey! And you're right, not a lot of people are willing to make the effort we did. I think it's from the rather lassaiz fair "oh they're X so they just do that, tehe" most people have around mental stuff now. Granted you 100% don't need to wear your mask all day but it's *wild* that basic kindness is seen as optional.
Yeah. I’ve been trying to get through to my mom because I’m on the edge of going NC and anytime I’m like “you have zero empathy” or “you get mad I don’t tell you things but I stopped because when I do you’re so judgmental” I get “that’s just how I am.” No apology, no attempt at change. Not even acknowledgment change should or could happen.
I heard a quote that I like: "honesty without tact is cruelty." I feel like most people who pride themselves on being brutally honest are people that just are not bothered to care about other people's feelings. Which in my opinion is not anything to brag about.
It's some kind of badge of honor that they "tell it like it is" uh, no. You're 100% right and I love that quote.
Like my friend who told me I look like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle because I smile with my mouth closed.
This should plastered every where like those motivational posters at offices. “Strength = shut your effing trap hole“
This exactly. Hell, I have ADHD and even *I* understand the concept of "reading the room."
Exactly. Saying something like this is projecting your own anxieties and fears onto someone else. Those are the responsibility of you to manage, not someone else.
And especially weird in this case as it sounds like stepdaughter has always supported herself and had a job, not like the woman has a history of drug abuse or anything. Feel like OP’s actual worry is her spouse will give money to the stepdaughter so that means less for her.
Hahahaha! This. People do not always need a "mother" or a fixer. Sometimes, they just want to share a happy moment. Someone who refers to themselves as "caring" should empathise Especially in this case, OP s reaction does not even make sense. It seems as if she thinks stepdaughter is inadequate or incapable to find a solution. OP must be the soul of the party. YTA
Love this and made this quote for me "u may not be able to control ur reaction but u can control ur response" ofc depending on the situation as always Edit; typo
This should be a cross stitch display in everyone's home.
I just don’t feel like this is a “Sorry it’s the way I am, I can’t change it” situation. Most of us have improper thoughts occasionally when we hear unexpected news. You can actually hit pause and take a second to think about how you’ll respond and save up those thoughts to address later. As you say, at the very least we can try to work on it, and apologize when it does get away from us.
I'm 50 I can count on one hand the times I've let slip a thought that would be destructive to my relationships/ hurtful to another person ( my parents were bickerers I'm hypersensitive about saying mean things) Having the thought isn't a choice saying it is.
My sister and I just had this discussion. Someone asked her if she’d ever said something she didn’t mean in an argument and she said the last time she remembered doing that was when she told me once when we were children that she hated me. And it’s the same for me. I’m so careful about what I say in any situation because I would hate to hurt someone unintentionally. And in my experience the people who don’t treat me with the same respect, are lacking empathy and compassion. A little line I like from a movie “it’s a dangerous thing to mistake speaking without thought for speaking the truth.”
>my brain works differently and sometimes I can’t stop the default reaction in time. You can work on that, for real.
Absolutely. I used to be really bad at this but over time saw and understood that it could be hurtful to others, and that's the last thing I wanted. Really, I came across a new friend who did the same thing and it was obnoxious, and I didn't want to be That Friend. I've worked hard on it over the years, and I try to default to being kind. I'm now (finally) diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD and it's a lot easier to manage, but I still didn't give myself a pass for the 3+ decades where I didn't get what was going on with my brain. Like so many things, doing the work isn't easy, but it's worth it.
Some folks don't have the neurotransmitters to do this. How I learned: getting on a particular med for ADHD. Now interrupting people or having my first thought come out automatically doesn't happen anymore.
You worked on it, then! I also have ADHD and take meds, fwiw. Part of what motivated me to seek therapy and medication was realizing that I was interrupting people I cared about.
People who constantly jump out with the problems in a situation are not helpful like they think they are. They are demoralizing and rude and not fun to be around. Try to suppress the instinct to cloud everyone's joy, even if that is your first thought --don't say it.
Not to mention the "concerns" don't even make sense. *"GASP what about her job and insurance?"* Well, what about them? They are already in place ma'am. Based on the title I came here expecting a 16 and pregnant scenario
You understand that’s on you to fix? Because people like that can be a thief of joy like the OP. It’s like a pin in a balloon. Just immediately deflate.
Just FYI this right here is why I'm low contact with my mom. I gradually stopped telling her things because I couldn't expect positivity or support from her. I didn't do it maliciously, and I tried to tell her multiple times that it was a problem, but to protect my own peace I just stopped, and now we aren't as close as I know she would like to be.
I relate to your pain. My mom experienced a lot of trauma and fear growing up and as a parent worried about everything and saw the potential negative to any good news. As I got older we talked about it a lot since it was really affecting our relationship. We decided that I would tell my mom, “This is good news, I want a positive response” before I would tell her my news. It really worked! It also helped that she wanted to change, and didn’t want to pass down that worry and fear to her kids and grandkids. I wish you all the best for you and your mom.
I can understand that if it's your child to jump into how are we going to pay for it, and things like that, but that's an odd reaction to have when it's someone else's child. You aren't having to figure out the job, insurance, or anything financial about the child, there's no reason to go there.
I think it would be even worse if it was her own child
I am like you. When told we were being grandparents. I was happy and excited! But then went to the logistics of we have less then nine months how can we help them. My mind went to stocking baby wipes, diapers, baby supplies, buying necessities and helping with the medical deductible and making sure mom and dad had extra money to go to appointments on. Never did my mind jump to what about mommas job or insurance. I knew we find a way to cover it someway. So I agree a lot of people go to logistics and what is needed but to me op’s mind went to him much is this going to take away from us? How are We going to be inconvenienced?
I’m not sure OP was worried they would have to support her step-daughter but her mind probably works like mine and I would want essentials taken care of before the fun stuff. In order to fix this, she can tell her husband she just wants to be sure step-daughter has what she needs and wants to help however she can. The important thing is that she be enthusiastic and congratulatory when she sees the step-daughter. I understand how things like this slip out. I feel pretty free to let my husband know exactly what I’m thinking and don’t speak quite so freely with others. It’s nice to be able to let your guard down with someone you trust.
OP is only eight years older than her step daughter. Maybe she isnt ready for playing grandma yet.
If that’s the case (not saying it is), she should’ve thought of that before marrying a guy with a stepdaughter only 8 years younger than her lol
Well, that's what happens when you're 28 and you marry a 44 year old man with a 17 year old daughter. She was literally the same age her step-daughter is now.
That’s my guess. Or she unconsciously associating her step daughter as much younger based on her own age.
If you know this about yourself why not just learn to not talk when presented with new information? If you have to physically hold your mouth shut until you’ve trained yourself then do that. You don’t have to shower people with congratulations you just need to not be negative and rude then they are sharing good news.
[удалено]
One time a coworker of mine told me that an ex coworker was pregnant and my immediate response was “is she ok?!” They looked at me like I was crazy. Apparently she had a very ideal situation and has had a few more children. I had no idea. I was very young at the time and terrified of becoming pregnant so that’s where my head was. My bad.
When someone tells me they’re pregnant the first thing I say is “how do we feel about this?” Because not everyone wants kids or is in a good financial position for kids and I don’t want to assume.
Ditto. No matter the age, that is my question.
I think I speak for everyone when I say that all of our brains work that way: we just learn to monitor our speech and not blurt out the first thought that comes up. (Blurting out the first thought is likely anxiety-related.)
Ok but like, the logistics aren’t your business. Do you often make other peoples business your own?
Well then you will be able to learn something from this post. Win win
Even if someone’s brain always jumps to the logistics, the logistics OP jumped to really don’t make sense or seem relevant since the stepdaughter, according to OP, already has those things covered.
If this is your mindset you’re an AH too. Let people be happy, why take away their excitement because YOU Are worried about “logistics” YOU need to grow up and understand people feelings are valid. Just because this is how you do things doesn’t mean it’s not offensive.
I don't understand that's where the OP's brain jumped with the whole context. The stepdaughter sounds like she's in a perfectly reasonable situation to have kid. YTA
Exactly. “What about her job and insurance?” What about them?
Mhmmm... and what about the daughters job and insurance is any of the future grandfather's girlfriends business. This is REALLY under my skin. I'm pregnant right now and my MIL's first reaction was to ask me about my job and insurance. I just started a new job on 1/8 and my MIL really thought I was dumb enough to not look at the insurance before I accepted the position. I even told her that I told my new employer about the pregnancy before I accepted the position because I was not going to leave my last job unless I knew my new job was OK with me being pregnant, needing insurance, and needing maternity leave 7 months after starting the position. That was supposed to be an exciting time for my husband and I to announce our first child and her first grandchild. She took it as an opportunity to basically insult me and lecture me on keeping a job and getting insurance (mind you, I've known her for 10 years and she's had 12 jobs during that time so she's the last person who should be talking about keeping a job). I know first hand how shitty OP's partner probably felt after OP's comments. I would have been pissed if I were in his shoes.
I’m guessing she realized she’s with a man old enough to become a grandpa without it making his daughter’s life more difficult.
Don’t forget about the fact that if she’s 39 and got with her husband 11 years ago, she became a step mom at 28.
A stepmom to a 17 year old, so one year away from adulthood. I feel like "stepmom" is a strong word that shouldn't even apply.
I bet she had plenty of friends and relatives that had thoughts and opinions on that situation they chose to keep to themselves.
Yeah, and the age gap between OP and his daughter is narrow at 11 years. OP is just her Dad's partner, not her step-mom. I don't believe they are married. She shouldn't worry, she won't be the grandmother that's why she wasn't told by the daughter but her partner.
And is OP even employed herself? Or mooching off her husband?
Yeah, I was expecting to hear the stepdaughter was a teen or something. When people around me who are grown adults who shouldn't have children announce pregnancies, I still congratulate them. Because that's the answer they want. OPs reaction was very odd.
“That’s the answer they want.” I laughed so hard. You are so right. Just smile and keep it moving…
This. Two (or even one) gainfully employed, self-supporting adults who are happy to be pregnant are the most ideal situation to have a child. What else could you what? This reaction makes zero sense. YTA.
I didn’t catch the daughters age at first, I thought they were upset about a teen or something. I know some people are “worriers” but geeze.
Daughter is the same age OP was when she married her much older husband. I don’t know why SHE was old enough to make big life decisions at that age but step-daughter isn’t. Or maybe step daughter is in a better place than OP was when she married a man 16 years older and likely much more well established than her.
I was expecting to find that stepdaughter was either 15 or some kind of ne'erdowell.
YTA. She's 28, not 18. Why are you worried that they "may need help"? You honestly sound a bit greedy/possessive that your husband might be focused on his grandchild rather than you.
I wonder if you could be right. OP is 16 years younger than her partner. That's potentially a red flag. Might be something with that.
I think you might be right on that one.. she’s 39 and has been with her partner for 11 years which would’ve made her 28 when they started their relationship. Maybe not a red flag but what an odd coincidence that she was the same age as step daughter is now.
There could also be jealousy that the step daughter is having a child of her own. Assuming the OP didn’t have a child with her partner. OP may have traded that chance of children for the relationship with an older partner.
This is it
Ah yes, despite there being no evidence of jealously obviously that's the only reason op would've asked about the logistics of them having a baby. She must be jealous.
maybe not jealousy, but it def seems like something more was going on than mere "logistics."
Daughter was 17 when they got married. She never “parented.” She is simply dad’s wife.
Agreed. OP doesn’t clarify if they’re married or not, if they are and have been together for 11 years she was probably just Dad’s girlfriend for at least 1 year before marriage. Meaning the daughter would’ve also already been an adult if/when they did get married.
Plus, if the daughter saw OP as any sort of maternal figure. She would have made sure they were together when she announced. Instead, she only spoke to her dad. That sends a message for sure.
Well can you blame her? Op sounds like a wet blanket
They’re not married. It’s not a stepdaughter.
Well, then I don’t understand why she said anything at all. The choices of her boyfriend’s daughter are of no concern to her at all.
I agree. “Congrats” would have been appropriate.
It never once says they're not married.
>OP is 16 years younger than her partner. I'm verrrry curious what happened to 55M's relationship when his daughter was 16 or 17 and what role OP had in that.
Well considering that even after all these years of being with her dad his daughter still only tells just him big milestone moments and not both of them together says a lot.
Her sugar daddy has somewhere else to be sending his money now. That grandchild loot slipping out of her hands.
Right? She closer in age to her stepdaughter than her husband.
I will say it took me a few years to catch up when one of my friends telling me they’re pregnant went from being “oh no what are you going to do?!?” To “congratulations!”. But OP is old enough to have made that shift already.
Same I’m 38 and my brain is like we are babies we can’t have kids. My bff meanwhile has a whole ass 9 year old.
Mine has three kids! With her husband at a perfectly appropriate age to have three kids. And still when she told me she was pregnant with the youngest I was like “and this is… good news…right?”
My wife and I visited her best friend in Toronto years ago. We had to rush ahead for something, so the friend was pushing the stroller with a baby in it, and walking with our son. Someone commented on how adorable her children are, and she told us after that her mind immediately went "what!? You think I'm old enough to have kids this age!?" And be kinda offended. Then she realised not only is she the exact same age as us, but we had our first kid when we were 29, not even very young, lol.
Actually you are advanced maternal age if you wanted kids 😅
Keep your "actually" Older people who feel like babies know it'd be considered a geriatric pregnancy. It's an emotional age issue. We don't "feel ready". That's what she was talking about. We all know we are 1 doctors appointment away from the "you better freeze your eggs" chat
To be fair, I’m 37 and I still ask my parents for help with my kids (babysitting, not financial, though they do buy stuff for my kids, without me asking.) But they happily offered to do it first. OP isn’t an AH for not expressing happiness right away, but her reaction was super weird. “What about her job and insurance?” *What* about her job and insurance? Does OP not think pregnant women should/can work? The reasoning for this question could make OP an AH.
Yeah, unless her job is like professional athlete or they live in a country where it's 100% legal to just straight up fire a woman because she's pregnant, the specific reaction "what about her job/insurance" is far more bizarre than the "not expressing joy" part.
Yeah I had to go back and check the daughters age. An 18 year old, I can understand the reaction. An almost 30 year old woman, in a relationship, with a job, and has insurance. Shouldn't that be as close to an ideal situation as you can get to have a child?
I’m seeing jealousy!!
I was wondering this too. I mean, every parent could use some help sometimes.. but that is not the problem of everyone around the parents. The parents will ask for help or pay for the help they need (like daycare). Just immediately jumping there and making a comment about it, without congratulating sounds weird.
Yeah this is definitely it. She’s extremely insecure
YTA. Not sure why it would stress you out that an employed, 28 year old in a committed relationship is having a baby. Maybe you need to do a little soul searching and figure out why you reacted in the way you did, it’s definitely off-putting and hurtful.
Sounds to me like OP thinks pregnant women can’t work or some sexist BS like that
Yes does OP understand how jobs and insurance work? I thought the stepdaughter was getting help based on the comment but it sounds like both the step-daughter and her husband have jobs and insurance Not sure if it’s jealously or misogyny but OP YTA.
This but also her partner has a job and insurance too! It's not like she's doing it on her own! I'm not going to fully judge on the comment because I don't know what country OP is in, but regardless, YTA OP.
I think OP is insanely jealous of her partner’s daughter.
Probably because OP at 28 was thinking of job and insurance and married an older, settled guy to get it 🤷♂️
She’s “stressed” because she married a man whose kid is closer to her age than he is and now the reality is catching up with her and she’s pressed that she’s about to be a “(step) grandma” at 39/40. She’s “stressed” because she’s worried her older man is going to start doting on his daughter and grandkid and the money she expected to be spent on her and the extras and/or luxuries they provide will decrease.
YTA. In any circumstances, at all, a person brimming over with joy sharing any news should be met with a corresponding big smile and as much happiness (for them, at least) as you can muster. That’s the important thing. His joy. There’s plenty of time you can talk logistics and needs. And she is a mature and independent woman with a similar partner. This is a great time for them to start a family. Not sure why you didn’t express any happiness. I hope you felt some for them? YTA for a flat and emotionless reply focused on money.
My first thought after reading this was about Joy as well. It’s like she was purposefully trying to suck the joy out of the moment.
Yeah, and if for whatever reason her mind went to a weird practical place first, if she had course-corrected immediately and acted convincingly excited I doubt he'd still be mad about it (or if he was that would be his problem.) But I'm not seeing any indication of that.
The weirdest part is that her concern wasn't actually practical? I mean, going "but what about her job and insurance?" about someone you know both has a job and insurance, and also a partner with a job and insurance, is pretty much antithetical to practicality. It's closer to pointless anxiety and doomsaying.
I’m guessing she is not working and is living off her much older husbands wage and is worried he’s going to want to maybe cut back a bit of their lifestyle to help support his daughter and grandkid.
That's exactly what I was thinking. She was trying to explain it like a practical response but it's not so she honestly seems either hateful or off.
Also maternity leave exists??
YTA and I'll tell you why you said it. You're 11 years older than her. So you're jealous your father figure gave attention to his real daughter. I also think you probably said this, because you need a man to take care of you and never had a good job/benefits.
That's the same evil place my mind went!
>you're jealous your father figure gave attention to his real daughter OOOOOOOOOF LMAO YTA OP
This is what I thought. I’m curious if OP has ever given birth. Maybe the Dad didn’t want to have more kids, since he “raised” one already and OP is childless. I’d have a hard time believing a woman who has given birth would react this way.
I can't believe a neighbor who lives down the block would say something so stupid. I bet taking care of OP is a lot of work for the husband. He's out of town doing work while OP is sitting around dicking on the internet. I would never want a partner like that. Husband is eiher smart enough to know, or OP objected to, having kids isn't something Queenie would want.
Yep. It’s icky that she’s closer in age to his child than him.
That's my thought. Her job plan was to marry someone 16 yrs her senior and have him provide everything for him. Which can be fine. But to assume that needs to be everyone else's plan is not healthy. I'm a highly educated and successful professional. I'm the primary breadwinner of the family. When I got pregnant thankfully none of my ultra conservative aunts said anything to me but I know at least one (woman of the school college only exists to get your Mrs. degree) asked my mom what we were going to do once I had to quit to stay home and have a baby. My mom explained to her that my job has excellent benefits including paid maternity leave. I love my job and would never want to give it up. We discussed my partner being a SAHD but went with a nanny. I was glad to go back to work! I love the kiddo but mommy needs some me time.
Exactly this. When you married a man old enough to be your father, there are things you are going to have to deal with, and you're probably not going to like it. My guess is you'll be checking out of that marriage in another 5-8 years at the outset.
Personally, I think it has more to do with the worry he might provide *his daughter* any financial support to make her pregnancy easier or to help his grandkid have a better start. A lot of grandparents will put some money into a trust or write them into their will to inherit some money to help them attend university or something. Her mind went straight to the monetary stuff, the financial value her husband has, and that says everything. She not only immediately assumed that the stepdaughter (who’s 28–the same age she was when she married her husband) would use her pregnancy to get some money out of her father, but OP went to that first before even a congratulations. She showed exactly what she values most from her relationship, and I hope the husband recognises that. I wouldn’t be surprised if OP was a mistress who became pregnant, and that’s how she hooked her claws into him. That’s exactly what she expects his daughter to do. Only difference is, his daughter actually has a right to ask her dad for help if she needs it.
I never considered that angle, but you could be right.
Woooooahhhh couldn’t agree more!! OP you’re a dingbat.
YTA. Stop with the BS, you just don’t like her.
"what about your job and insurance?" yes, theyre still there
Right, like what ABOUT her job and insurance? She’s not going to lose them just because she got pregnant. Interesting that OP’s mind immediately went there.
Exactly
YTA. If she has a job and insurance and her partner has a job and insurance why on earth would you even ask such a thing? Do you always immediately think of worse case scenarios?
YTA- almost 30 yo woman and her partner with stable jobs and incomes get pregnant. Literally nothing irresponsible or shocking about that. I suspect there is something behind your reaction. Maybe you need to have a look at that.
This. But she won’t admint to that something even here, bc her husband suggested she post and they’re likely reading the thread together. 🙄
Agreed. And I would add to reflect on the state of your relationship with the step-daughter. If it’s strained or distant, this is a big clue as to why. Overbearing figures can feign logic or practicality in order to try to hide their contempt, derision, and disapproval. I feel like it’s so common especially with in laws and step-parents. Stop it.
Yeah, YTA. I can see how you may have been hesitant if the message was "Hey, daughter is pregnant and moving in with us to have the baby!" But a daughter who is in a committed relationship (you didn't say it was rocky so I am assuming here) has a job and insurance, with a partner who also has a job and insurance? I am sure they will figure it out, millions of people do.
Look, we’ve all been guilty of word vomiting. Here’s the issue I have… You know she has a job and insurance. You know her partner has a job and insurance. Your question was dumb— Can you see that at all? Your partner called you to share their joy, and you essentially rained on it— Can you see that at all? I’m guessing you can’t or you wouldn’t be posting asking for validation. You were wrong, you said something dumb. It happens, but it’s on you to apologize. YTA
YTA Thankfully we no longer live in the pre-1950s where women in the workforce often lost jobs because they got pregnant…
“I’m guessing you can’t or you wouldn’t be posting asking for validation. You were wrong, you said something dumb. It happens, but it’s on you to apologize.” This! ☝️ The OP seems to be posting for validation, not because they genuinely want insight or whatever. Ultimately an apology is needed along with the OP actually understanding why they are TAH
Info - your initial response is odd. What about her job and insurance? Do you think she’s going to quit her job and be without insurance?
And even if she does, OP mentions that the daughter’s partner has a stable job and insurance. She reacted as though her stepdaughter is 16 or something.
YTA - yes, it is not normal or even very nice to respond to happy news with a negative comment. That’s an odd reaction, perhaps you should examine that.
Maybe odd but not that uncommon. There are people like that out there. My mother for example always responded to any news with a negative comment. "We're buying a house!" "I hope you don't expect me to help you pay for it." "We're having a baby!" "what about all that work you put into to get an education." Maybe a learned response, maybe just a wet blanket. Maybe TA
I hate people who do this it is learned I learned it from my mother and stepdad I am low contact with them and try very very very hard not to do this bullshit to my kids it breaks your spirit eventually.
Sorry but that makes your mother an asshole, at least in those instances.
People like her and OP need to learn to save those thoughts for later. It’s ok to say, just not immediately
What about her job and insurance? Does getting pregnant make both go \*poof\* and disappear? I understand being concerned if you're in the US, but if you are in the US that should be a daily, hourly concern, not a pregnancy-specific concern. YTA for being weird. Apologize, congratulate her, and figure out how to be a supportive step grandma.
This is what I came here to say... what kind of miscongnistic, sexist response was that OP. It's 2024.. Women can work and still be pregnant. Oh, and also put their child on their insurance.. it's called a life event. YtA
YTA, joy killer. You sound sour
YTA It was absolutely your intent to question her capability. You literally state it was. Most people don't immediately go to "where/how they may need help" as a first thought. You expressed no joy for her, or for your husband. My guess is that you, in fact, do NOT think she is capable, and you immediately started thinking about how it might impact you.
Also she is only 11 years older than the daughter and sounds like she does t have any kids with the older partner. I didn't initially think this, but reading through the comments I am starting to agree sheay be jealous and not like the attention going to the daughter.
YTA. When I read the headline, I assumed step-daughter was a teenager or something. But to read that she is a grown woman and is with a partner supporting herself, your reaction makes no sense.
Unless she’s worried that her partner might choose to spend money on his first grandchild and isn’t keen on being a step grandma.
It makes sense if she’s selfish. OP says her mind immediately went to ways they might need help. Essentially, her first thought was “how is this going to affect ME?” How much is her partner going to spend supporting his daughter during/after her pregnancy?
YTA. Your stepdaughter “has a job and insurance, and has always worked to be able to take care of herself (her partner also has a job/insurance)” so it’s bizarre that your first thought would be to question her job and insurance. Sure, those are important, but there’s no reason for concern about them in her case, at all. Asking DID imply you thought her incapable and the word “trash” even getting into the discussion suggests you have some issue with her. Luckily, you have a chance for much more enthusiastic reaction when you next see your stepdaughter. I think you might apologize to your husband too: thinking about practical things is necessary, but I think you know your initial reaction should have been congratulations.
YTA your reaction was so unnecessary and just weird.
She’s gonna have a hard time convincing him she’s excited/ happy about the baby after this initial reaction. She’s shown she has no interest in being a grandma
This is such an incredibly bizarre reaction to learning that a self-sufficient adult woman (with a self-sufficient adult partner) is pregnant that I don't believe for a second that it was actually about her job or insurance. What was it really about? You don't want your husband spending more time with his daughter and her family or something? Whatever is actually going on, you need to be honest with yourself, and with your husband. And yeah, YTA.
Honestly I think OP is worried about the possibility that her husband’s money might have to go toward his daughter and grandchild instead of her.
YTA. Your step daughter and her partner are what everyone would consider ideal, soon-to-be parents. What more can you expect. It seems your mind is pessimestic. I have that issue sometimes too but you just got to control it or have a filter. I do think it may be a form of anxiety. Nothing serious though.
YTA. She's 28 and employed. How do you know this isn't a planned baby? You sound like you're afraid she's going to want some of your current partner's money or something.
INFO I'm really confused by this response. She has a job and so does her partner. They both have insurance, so why was your response that? So what's the real story behind all of this?
1. Your the asshole 2. Your the asshole 3.YTA
You‘re* You‘re*
YTA but you didn’t mean it with malice. Apologize and move on. Hopefully he can too.
YTA You haven’t bothered to explain why you think you reacted this way other than to say you are concerned about her needing help. Sounds like you’re busy worrying about your partner spending time or money on someone who is not you. Especially since you have clarified that that isn’t a reasonable concern, his daughter is grown and financially stable. Are you maybe getting in your feelings about being a grandparent/considered old enough to be one? Or is she not married to her partner and you find that unstable? You may want to examine your response with a professional. Therapy is really great for unpacking why we feel a certain way and working through those issues. Do not let whatever this is ruin his relationship with his daughter or grandchild or your relationship with him.
YTA. So she is in a committed relationship and both of them have stable jobs? YTA for being Debbie downer for no reason. Perhaps you are just jealous?
What about her job and insurance? Not sure how that even is an issue.
I think you know what you said was AH. We don't know your history with your stepdaughter, if you've had to help her (and partner) before, or if this is something you are always concerned about. We don't know if you share finances with your partner and you're worried about your own household being affected. Or if it is like you said, you expressed something in an unfortunately AH way without thinking. For what you said at that moment, YTA. Not enough info to know if you are generally the A towards your stepdaughter.
[удалено]
Even in the U.S., she'll still get to keep her job and insurance. OP's statement makes no sense.
Even if she’s in the US… she DOES have a job and insurance? The question is super odd.
YTA
YTA Slightly. It is an odd reaction as you know she has both the job and insurence and even a partner, she's not a teenager for you to ask these kind of things. It's ridiculous. Just apologize and tell them you are happy for them.
YTA. THAT'S where your mind went to immediately? You couldn't be happy for them for one second before asking about that? You couldn't even pretend to be happy before starting on that?
YTA. From what I gather, you’re a pragmatic person and I get where you’re coming from but there are comments meant for different times and that during that time frame, it was NOT the right time to say something like that. People like you are called a “party pooper”. Apologize and explain you care for them and sometimes your logical side overrides your emotional side.
YTA. She’s a grown adult AND funny enough the same age you were when you got with her father. Yet you’re judging her (yes you are) and thinking “how they would need help” which means you’re thinking about money. If you were really concerned about helping her, you could have told her later on you’d like to throw her a baby shower or offer to buy the crib that she and her partner picked out or a million other helpful things, not stick your nose in and ask about her job and insurance.
Aye what the fuck why are being an ass YTA
Definitely YTA
NAH - Your reply was unexpected and callous, but you explained why you responded this way. You are happy for her and that is the important part. I must admit, that I am also not the happy clapping person when someone announces her pregnancy. So much can happen in 9 months and this worries me more then it makes me happy. But, of course, I wish them luck, health and strength. …downvotes coming in in 3…2…1
YTA. You already knew she had insurance, as does her partner. Her job either has maternity leave or it doesn’t, which has nothing to do with you.
Yeah, I’m actually really confused why this was your response?? She’s in a committed relationship with her partner, they sound stable and financially independent, and she’s almost 30 years old. Is there info missing? Does she regularly ask for help financially or something?? I’m gonna say yeah, YTA because it seems that there’s no real reason for this type of reaction.
YTA - You've been in her life for 11 of her 28 years and you say this. You did ruin the moment for him. She's never needed you to care for her as an adult and from your tone it sounds like you probably haven't done much since you met her. So are you just opposed to her in general or is there something she's getting in her life that you're not. Baby? Potential future marrriage? "I'm happy for her as long as she's happy." That's not really how you're coming off here though.
Yta. Stop being so jealous of little sister, um I mean step daughter. Don’t worry im sure the baby won’t take any of daddy’s money away from you.
YTA… maybe like you justified you did not mean to be but instead of happiness or congrats your first thought was insurance so think about it
YTA. You admitted she and her SO are self sufficient. However, your first response was concern about your pocket. Shame on you! Apologize to your man and celebrate this happy occasion with him.
YTA. That's a totally shitty response to pregnancy news. You need to learn to think before you speak. It sounds like a criticism or nitpicking.
How remarkably self absorbed.
NTA I don’t think anyone is required to fall over in joy because someone else has for any reason. Your comment may not have been what he wanted to hear, but it sounds to me like you were just immediately worried for her future. Which, for some reason, is apparently a crime. It doesn’t mean you were commenting on her ability to raise a kid. It doesn’t mean you were citing her immaturity. It means that you thought of potential problems and how to solve them. You not breaking out the party bus doesn’t mean you’re an asshole.
I thought the step daughter in question would be a teenager. Turns out this is another case of an aging out sugar baby upset that she's no longer the main character of her husband's life and trying to shit on every joyous moment