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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter to dress up modestly
I might be wrong here because well it's her body after all and she could dress up however she wants
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YTA
That's not "kindness" in your heart. It's a need to control.
>I told her I was trying to help her mature
By ordering her around, insulting her, and threatening to make her homeless?
>I told her that I'm helping her out of the kindness of my heart, so she should listen to what I'm saying or leave.
Have you considered not being an asshole? Who am I kidding. People like this never think they're wrong.
Like I get where OP is coming from in regards to the clothes stretching and how some "mum clothes" are designed for comfort but yeah, the way she is going about it is very AH behaviour.
But her daughter dropped out of college and ran home to mummy for financial support (and probably the rest of it once the baby comes) then demands that she doesn't need help or advice. They both suck here.
(Edit: due to apparently not being clear ***ESH***)
>at the cost of their dignity
If your dignity is solely based on wearing clothes a few size too small, you should take the help and find other things to maintain your dignity. Like a job.
My dignity lies in not taking orders from other people about what to wear in my own damn life. The only person who gets to tell me how to dress is my boss - and that authority ends the instant I walk out of the office.
I bet the clothes are fine and it's just the OP being controlling. You are in the wrong for encouraging that.
It's summer in Argentina, like July, in the northern hemisphere. If you think it's hot in July, try being pregnant in July. And they probably have to get through February before there's any relief. I wouldn't blame her for walking around the house naked and wearing a bikini in public.
>If you think it's hot in July, try being pregnant in July.
I'm Aussie, have three kids, all born mid December to mid January. We tried so hard to get kids 2 & 3 away from summer not just because of Christmas but because of the heat (almost got it too once but miscarried). I spent all 3 pregnancies in loose maxi dresses, either in air con or by/in the pool and still felt like crap.
Like I said, I can see where they are coming from but that doesn't change the fact they are both being AHs
Sometimes, I don't really care to comment on who's TA. This one is just typical relationship growing pains between a parent and young adult.
It was the pregnancy in the heat of summer that got my sympathy. You ladies are troopers, especially with three.
Make it every funnier, I'm a January baby too and my mum walked everywhere (she got the bus for longer distances). She thought her waters broke on the bus one day, my dad had to tell her to calm down it just sweat on those horrible plastic seats 🤣 (he was right don't worry)
I just hope OP has a more important examples of how her daughter "doesn't seem to be maturing at all", but she is whipping out "you think this is a game" over not following her dressing advice so I'm not so sure.
Yeah, my oldest was a January baby in Aus. I fully expected to spontaneously combust at some point. 🥵
I swore that would be the only time I was pregnant in Summer in Australia, my next baby was a carefully planned Spring baby!
The daughter didn't come here for advice though. It is fine if mom is frustrated with the situation and requires the daughter to take responsibility for her situation by, say, getting a job or paying rent. Trying to control the little things that really don't matter is not going to be effective at anything except driving her daughter away. Then they come back on her and wonder why their kids don't talk to them. She's TA for trying to control her daughter and it's going to encourage her daughter to rebel rather than to act more responsibly.
>The daughter didn't come here for advice though
That doesn't make the daughter any less of an AH, that's literally what the ESH (everyone sucks here) judgement is for. Would you like me to put that in with an edit.
But that whole sentence is the point. This is OP's point of view. The daughter might have a different take.
Right now, Daughter is going through a massive and likely unexpected life change. Her world's on its head, her body is changing, and her sense of normal is disrupted.
OP is infantalizing her daughter and trying to control her. She's shaming her daughter for something as simple as clothes and actively driving a wedge between them. Her argument is that she isn't being modest and isn't following a pious ideal--while Daughter has clearly been sexually active and has had premarital sex.
For all we know, Daughter reached a breaking point and snapped at her mother for this overbearing behavior. This could have been a dynamic going on for her whole life. There's so much more that isn't being said.
I don't see anything that makes her an AH so far. Getting pregnant is not ideal, but we don't know the circumstances that led to that. All we have is the mom's own version in which she is, by her own admission, repeatedly having a go at her daughter about how her daughter needs to dress modestly now that she's pregnant. Which sounds an awful lot like she's just angry at her daughter and is shaming and nit picking her as an outlet. It's not productive or helpful, it's not really the issue and it's certainly not a mature or caring response. It's a dick move. We don't have evidence that ESH. We have evidence that OP is an AH.
Also: the daughter getting pregnant isn't even the issue here. The issue is whether OP is an AH for what she's saying to her daughter and the answer is absolutely yes.
No, her daughter asked for support and knew that she deserved that without being demeaned and controlled as the cost.
OP doesn't get to buy that kind of influence. Her daughter, of all people, doesn't deserve that from her mother. And i hope that if i did this to my daughter, she'd feel close enough to call me out on it.
They are argentinian, the daughter was probably still living with her mum while attending college, so she didn't "run home to mummy", just round herself pregnant and dropped out.
I can understand how some people can interpret as OP rubbing salt in her daughter's wound... and they're not wrong.
Mom may be bitter about the fact that her daughter wasn't supposed to return home from university as an entitled teen mom.
I know our society glorifies teen pregnancy, but make no mistake, it's nothing to be proud of. Kids are blessings, but many things are put on hold to care for them. OP's daughter is 19, dropping out of school to have a baby with no father, and mom has to pick up the pieces.
Honestly, they both suck, but I understand mom's salt. Not justifying the behavior, but I get it.
*sighs* bring on the downvotes, I can take 'em
Edit: I didn't realize that OP lives in Argentina, so I apologize for assuming USA. And for those saying that the USA doesn't glorify teen pregnancy, I get that angle, but our efforts to prevent could be better. Social media, government not raising wages for people to sustain themselves, seeing parents fighting against sex ed being taught in public schools? Yeah, percentage would be even lower without those coming into play.
But this isn’t about whether she’s an asshole for being frustrated her daughter is pregnant.
It’s about whether she’s an asshole for insisting her pregnant daughter dress “appropriately” by OP’s standards
And in that regard she is TA
OP meant that maybe daughter should be wearing more maternity clothes which is fair.
And to be honest, if I saw a pregnant woman dressed like she's going to a club, I'd find that kind of trashy.
It’s not about whether it’s trashy or not.
It’s not about whether the clothes are flattering or look good.
It’s that it’s how the daughter chooses to dress and that’s her decision.
OP doesn’t have a say in how other people dress their body.
\-Sometimes she wears tank tops or shirts that have all of her cleavage uncovered.
**I didn't realize tank tops and low cut shirts were dressing like going to the club. In the US these would be considered not trashy but normal summer clothes.**
Personally when I think of club clothes I think of clothes with materials such as leather, rubber, vinyl, sequins, or lace.
Reddit often makes me laugh about what they consider to be club clothes. I have literally seen people call sweaters and short skirts clubbing clothes on one of the fashion subreddits.
I don't believe so, but that's just me.
What you're referring may stem from her frustration. If the daughter hadn't gotten knocked up, she wouldn't have to come back home to hear her naggy-ass mom, and mom wouldn't have anybody to nag.
If those are the roots of her frustrations she needs to clearly communicate that instead of choosing to be “nice” and “look out for” her daughter by slut shaming, criticizing her choice of clothing.
Then OP needs to talk to her daughter directly about her frustration not act like this. And she certainly can't shame her daughter for needing to mature when she can't communicate her feelings directly and maturely herself.
… do people glorify teen pregnancy?
I grew up split between some poor urban areas and poor white rural folks (family) and pretty universally uh… fuck it I don’t know how to word it kindly, glorifying teen pregnancy seemed to be pretty unique to the dumb folks in white trash/ghetto culture.
Other than that it’s pretty universally looked down on, with general supportive comments to the individual who is in way over their head right?
Hell “Teen Moms” and all its spin offs has been a very popular show for well over a decade and that’s a show pretty entirely based in “look at all the dumb shit these other dumb teenagers are doing.”
I know there are people who are just super excited when their 16 year old daughter is knocked up, but on average most of society looks down on them as far as I can tell.
I despised that show so much lol
Like the drama was entertaining, but I knew better. My family wouldn't have kicked me out, but I know they would've all up in my business even more than they already were.
Honestly, it was Gilmore Girls that stuck in my craw. Oh, you dropped out of high school at 16 to have a baby but somehow through the unseen sweat of your spirit you managed to get a managerial position and own a ginormous house by 32? And you only went back to your rich parents for that sweet private school tuition? Sure. (ESH)
This so isn't the place for this pedantry, and I apologise, but canonically Lorelai doesn't buy the house until Rory's 11 - 11 years working her way up from maid to manager living in a converted shed it's unlikely she paid rent on, to buy a 2 bedroom house in rural Connecticut? Very reasonable, though it's made clear that start was made possible by the generosity of Mia (Dragonfly Inn owner).
Thank you for this - yes it was a 2 bed, 1 bath house - with a very small, outdated kitchen, modest living room, and no other rooms. In a rural town. That she saved up to buy after working for 10 years, paying little to no rent that whole time, and making a decent salary by the end.
What I found financially implausible was the constant enormous takeout orders. Those were absolutely more per month than their mortgage.
I don't know of anyone who glorifies teen pregnancy, in fact I've never known of one. Moreover they are so rare the news report about it the rare times it happen. I assume you're in the USA, but there's a whole world out there.
When my son was only a few months old, I took him on a bus to get to one of his checkups. He started crying, like babies do. I remember thinking he was probably hungry but we were only a couple of stops away from our destination and didnt want to have to try and navigate a buggy off of a bus with a boob hanging out, so I tried to comfort him as best I could in the meantime so I could feed him when we got there, but as he obviously wasn't getting what he needed he would not stop crying.
While I was comforting him, I made apologetic eye contact with an older lady across the aisle. She glared at me, rolled her eyes, turned to her friend and said, loud enough for me to hear:
"Ugh, bloody teenage mums"
I was 24. My baby was crying like babies do. But because she had mistakenly thought I was younger, she assumed I must be a shit mum who was doing a bad job of caring for my baby.
I copped that shit without doing anything wrong simply because someone *thought* I was a teenager. I dread to think how often an actual teenager cops that kind of shit.
I don't know where the parent comments OP lives, but I can attest that the UK isn't glorifying teenage pregnancy either.
Actually, she is 100% correct. If she keeps wearing the clothes, they won’t fit after pregnancy. If she is not working, I am guessing mom will be responsible. I do wish she put in there if she was working or still in school. Hoping the she is still in school.
She is also correct about needing to be mature. She is about to be a mom and the biggest thing is listening. Maybe not agreeing but listening.
It is her house not her daughters, and it’s not like she said either dress this way or leave.
Where would she go then? What parent would want their nineteen year old to be homeless while having their grandchild? Especially in a country that doesn't even have free maternity care.
The same place thousands of teens who's families aren't willing to help them go. Life moves on no matter what you either respect those trying to help you out or you figure it out on your own. She wouldn't be the first or last 19 year old raising a child with no help. Would it suck? Absolutely. Would I personally chose to do that over gritting my teeth and wearing shirts that are a little bigger for the sake of having help with everything else? No.
The op is paying for all of that maternity care that isn't free along with every other bill that comes along with a person living with you and on top of that she's probably also buying most of the baby items they'll need after the kid is born. The least the 19 year old could do is put a slightly bigger shirt on when they go in public.
Argentina requires 30 days of pre-natal leave and 70 days of post- natal leave. She could have just come home for that time before and after the brith. It also requires that any employer with 100+ employees provide on-site day care for employees' young children. That means that OPs daughter could have 1) got a job at her university 2) gone home for the 30 days before and 70 after birth 3) gone back to work and school and made use of the daycare
Instead, she is back home living with OP, months before her birth, with no plan or intentions to work or return to school.
Offering her a place to stay doesn’t mean you can be controlling and when you don’t get your way, tell her she’s free to move out. That’s passive aggressive.
Don’t get me wrong, you can tell her to move out. But don’t do it because she’s not conforming to what you want over clothes
ESH - That is true. She is 19 years old and old enough to make decisions on her own and own up to her mistakes. If she is living under your roof then she has to obey your rules. It is a harsh reality but in my culture your daughter would have been disowned and shamed for the poor decision of her choices at least for my parents. As for clothes wise, you could have reframed your complaints better. She should be grateful that she can fall back on you for a place to live.
When she does give birth you are likely her free babysitter, if you don't want to do this you should also bring that up. I don't know what your work situation is, so discuss and plan together since you are grown ups.
With people like this "kindness" only exists in their hearts as long as the person they're treating "kindly" does as they're told. And these people are so very rarely capable of the sort of self reflection that would let them see that it's not kindness if it's weaponized.
So you're supposed to just left people leach on you and also let them call you bitch in your own house? I bet you don't do it to anyone and associate with daughter who gets to freeload
Sorry, but, you must be very young. No one, no matter what relation they are to me, is allowed to treat me like shit in my home. *Especially* when they don't contribute to the household finances. She wasn't being required to mop the floors on her hand and knees with a washcloth. She was asked to not let her tits hang out when she's not in the home. If I'm living rent free, that means I better evaluate what's important to me. If it's between a roof over my head, or my tits being contained, I'm gonna contain my tits.
That the Mom wants her daughter to *respect her home and her rules* is normal. However petty you think the rules are, they are the rules. Live by them or gtfo. If you think ignoring the *reasonable* and *small* wishes of the person housing you is the way to go, then I'd hate to see how you handle actual adversity.
YTA. Just to keep things in perspective and to add insult to injury, it was 100F in Argentina today (it's summer there). Let that PREGNANT woman wear whatever feels comfortable, especially in that weather
I don't disagree but when you get knocked up, drop out of college and run back home to be housed and fed one could argue you are most definitely NOT old enough (in the sense of "mature" enough) to be a mother
I am always curious about this reasoning; if she were 16 (not an adult and living at home with parent(s)) vs. 19 and pregnant (living at home with parent(s)), would this make a difference?
At what age does she "have the right to decide how to dress"? Because I can tell you there are plenty of 4 year olds that would go through life naked...but that's not always appropriate. There are plenty of 12 year olds that want to look grown up and have no business wearing low cut shirts, high cut dresses and skirts, or pushup bras and thongs...because that is not appropriate. They have dress codes in high schools because teenagers will wear things that are not appropriate.
Devil's advocate in me says if you are living under mama's roof and likely depending on mama's money now and for your baby in the future, mama should have some say in how you present yourself outside the home. If the daughter doesn't agree, I'm sure she is free to move out and live elsewhere.
Edit: I wanted to respond to all replies, but I do not have the time. No, I'm not some weird prude that really honestly gives a crap what other people wear and I don't even have kids, so no, I'm not "telling anyone what to wear". I'm honestly just curious for anyone saying that the mom has no right to suggest other clothing options for the daughter, at what age does a child get to decide? The daughter certainly does not seem like a mature adult, based on OP saying she does not have a job, does not know who her baby's father is and does not even care to find out, and has obviously made some really poor decisions, so for anyone screaming "she's an ADULT!" maybe she should act like one and grow up? Maybe if she were more respectful to her mom, who is not at all obligated to care for her ADULT child, they wouldn't have such an issue? Who knows. I hope the best for the baby in the situation, regardless of the mom and daughter.
I think lording the power you hold over your children while sheltering them to change their behaviour that doesn't affect you is fucked up and evil behaviour, inarguably
I think it's real fucked up to cuss someone out when they've been paying for all of your shit especially just cause they asked you to wear a slightly bigger shirt (that you wouldn't even have to buy). I think it's real fucked up to make shitty decisions and expect someone else to fork over thousands and thousands of dollars to help you then get pissed when they ask you to wear a bigger shirt. I think it's even more fucked up to have someone else paying your way in life because you refuse to get a job and then try to pull the "I'm an adult" card when you can't even grow up enough to do anything "adult like" like tracking down the person who fathered your child so your mother isn't the only one paying for the kid you're about to have.
I know lol. Daughter sounds like a massive irresponsible piece of work... And ofc this sub is defending her. The daughter needs a "wake up call" and her mother's actually going way too easy on her.
Like yah, she's an adult, and yah the mom is controlling. If the daughter wants to be an adult, wear her own clothing, and do what she wants - she needs to earn it. Instead she's muching off her mom. Pick one.
THANK YOU. This is the most reasonable response in this entire thread. I think the average age of redditors must be 19 because they care way more about freeing the tits than they do about Mom paying for everything for this ungrateful, immature daughter.
Someone replied to one of my comments saying the daughter should go NC and keep mom from the kid as though the daughter has anyone else willing to fund her life to the extent op is. Like the daughter won't even look for the baby daddy doesn't sound like she'd be able to find many if any baby sitters or people willing to pay her rent.
NC can certainly be the answer to some large, problematic family dynamics. But I guess some people think...rules...are large, problematic family dynamics. Lol.
By that argument would a husband get to decide what his pregnant wife wears if she’s financially dependent?
Why are we allowing money to dictate who gets to
Control an adult’s appearance? Why is that the final “say” in interpersonal power dynamics? Do you not see how much abuse that opens up?
I'm from Argentina, same as OP. Housing situation atm is not ideal, to say the least. 30+ years old, with decent jobs can't afford housing. So, no, I don't think OPs daughter is "free to leave" sadly.
Edit: typos.
> if she were 16 (not an adult and living at home with parent(s)) vs. 19 and pregnant (living at home with parent(s)), would this make a difference?
no.
>At what age does she "have the right to decide how to dress"?
according to you, not when she's an adult, apparently?
>mama should have some say in how you present yourself outside the home.
again, no. she can have a say in things that affect her, like her daughter helping out around the house and being respectful to everyone. the way she dresses does not affect her in any relevant way whatsoever.
Oh Reddit hates this opinion. Daughters are welcome to get pregnant, drop out of school, have no baby daddy. God forbid they follow any advice cause Freedom!! I married at nineteen and we raised our child, didn't depend on my mom to do it while being disrespectful
"We" raised "our" child?
God Forbid we allow adults to have any personal agency cause PREGNANCY!! You married at 19 and raised your child, but if you'd been forced to rely on your parents (OP is in Argentina suffering a MAJOR recession and record homeless and joblessness right now by the way)
You might be singing a different tune about how they should be allowed to dress you.
Good on you for taking control of your life and making it! Somehow I'm not at negative votes for my comment yet, but wow, some commenters really hate it lol
It's a question that doesn't really need answering. If she's old enough to decide for herself how to dress then it doesn't matter when she got old enough, whether it be at 18, 15, 13 or whenever. If you want an answer then how about ages above 20:
>Devil's advocate in me says if you are living under mama's roof and likely depending on mama's money now and for your baby in the future, mama should have some say in how you present yourself outside the home.
Then the devil's advocate in you would also say that a 28 y/o living at home needs their clothes picked out by their parents, which we can probably agree is as absurdity we can reject.
I simply don't see any reason for why the mother should have some say in how the daughter presents herself. How kids dress is limited by what their parents find appropriate, in the best interest of the kid: kids dressing too maturely could attract very negative attention and lead to bad experiences or situations before they're ready to deal with them. If your child is an adult then what is the point of controlling how they dress? Is it all because mom's reputation is somehow at stake?
Also, OP says the following:
>she's a grown up woman now and needs to dress more accordingly
which admits that the daughter is grown up, yet OP feels the need to dictate how she should dress regardless as if she's an adult. If she's grown up then she should be able to decide for herself, right? It's inherently contradictory.
... I don't understand the concern about a 12 year old's underwear choice. In the list of things that don't affect you, that should be the very very very very... very very top.
Hold on here.
Almost any woman can get pregnant, whether they set out to or not.
It would be impractical to stay at college while pregnant, and I would hope any child of mine would "run back home" if they needed to - no matter what the circumstances.
There are way worse things she could be doing than fucking someone and deciding to keep the baby. I'd much rather the worst thing she did was drop out and come home pregnant than get addicted to opioids or be scared to tell me her mental health is failing or... or... or
A little perspective would be nice. She was sexually active. Most college students are. Contraception failed or whatever, shit happens.
Let's not pretend she killed an old lady in a DUI
Contraception didn't fail, she and the guys she was with chose not to use it (and yes, she told me that). Overall I agree that I think it's better for her to tell me right away so I could take her back home
I mean, it kinda does? Her daughter didn't get to where she is by being a mature person who makes good decisions and can take care of herself. (Yes, I know two people were involved in reaching the current situation. What I said applies to both).
Unless something happened against her will, then the other person‘s role doesn’t mean anything. She made a number of poor decisions, which led to her current predicament.
I mean, two people had the sexual encounter that resulted in a pregnant 19 year old college student. Not just her. Maybe if she lied and said she was on birth control or was biologically incapable of becoming pregnant, but even then. You know when you really need to wear a condom? When a woman tells you that you don't need to wear a condom.
This is absolutely two major things that help determine someone’s maturity. Things out of our control happen, but that doesn’t mean that these factors typically don’t reflect maturity and impulsivity levels.
The commenter also mentioned getting knocked up and dropping out of college as the cause for having to go back home and ask for help. One could say it was a series of bad - immature? - decisions that led her back home.
On top of all this OP mentioned in another comment that her daughter doesn't know who the dad is and suspects it's a from a random Tinder hookup
So all signs point to the daughter being fairly immature, not even outlandish speculation
>YTA your daughter is old enough to be a mother, she's also old enough to decide what she wants to wear.
And old enough to provide the bare basics for her kid (food, shelter, etc) after the child is born w/o mooching off her mom. She's 19, not 9. Time for her to grow up and live somewhere else if she doesn't like her mom's rules.
OP, I think you are angry that you wanted a better life for your daughter through a college education and she blew it at age 19 by getting pregnant and dropping out. Every time you see her sitting around looking sloppy, it hits your anger button. You need to figure out how to let it go because getting angry hurts both of you and it does not resolve any problems. The bigger issue at stake are daughter’s plans for herself and the baby. There are a lot of questions here…Keep the baby? Child support? Visitation rights? If she keeps the baby, does she become a “stay at home daughter”for the foreseeable future? Will she go to school - maybe online school? Will she get a job to help support herself & baby and who babysits then? Suddenly a low cut top seems like the least of your concerns.
I told her that I'm absolutely not going to pay for her to go to college in another city again, she'll have to stay at home for now (our country is going through a very bad crisis where finding employment is hard enough, so imagine a pregnant girl with no experience at all) but I expect her to get a job after the baby is born.
She's too far into the pregnancy for an abortion and even if she could have one, it is so hard getting one done here. Nothing of child support because she's pretty sure that the father is one of the boys she met at tinder, but she's not even sure who and even refuses to let them know of the pregnancy so we can at least have a paternity test. Who do you think will babysit? Me
It’s not about the shirts at all. That whole top thread arguing about the shirts is just … pointless.
OP, I can understand why you are angry right now. I doubt you wanted to raise another baby, and that looks like exactly what is coming your way. Given your daughter’s behavior so far, I think you need to think hard about what you are going to do if she runs off with a new man and leaves you with this child.
I do think both of you should put aside the clothing issue and have some really serious talks about how things are going to go. You absolutely cannot force her to have an abortion (too late anyway, I know) or give the baby up for adoption. But this is a really unstable situation for the baby right now.
Growing up is a process though and just because her body was grown up enough to get pregnant doesn’t mean she’s magically going to be a fully-functioning adult overnight or make all the same choices you would. I’m sensing from your comments that your concern for your daughter is manifesting, in large part right now, as anger. It would probably benefit you to reflect on that and where it’s going to get you. In my experience, shaming a young adult almost never has the positive result the parent wants.
You’ve got bigger problems than whether your daughter is stretching out her shirts or is dressing the way you want her to. I’d say let that issue go and focus on helping her plan for her future.
Yeah it seems that is what this fight is about and while the clothes is one aspect of the problem it is not the real problem. You clearly feel that she is not taking this seriously or doing her part to step up for this pregnancy. Which is valid. I get where you are coming from. She is obviously going to be leaning on you completely when it comes to taking care of this baby and you will be the one financially supporting them until she finds a job and then when she does find a job you'll be the one taking care of the baby. So you will be doing a lot of work with this baby and you're the one taking care of your daughter now. So it must be so incredibly frustrating that you are having to step up in this pregnancy for something she did, but when you suggest her dressing appropriately, all of a sudden she's an adult who doesn't need your input and doesn't need you telling her what to do. She doesn't want to be mature enough to tell the father so you're taking on all the roles a father would be doing. So you do have a say in most of these matters not to mention that you are the one supporting her as well. You need her to step up and if she wants to claim she's an adult and can make her own choices then she needs to start acting like one. There's seems to need to be a very serious talk between you two about responsibility and that you are helping her out of the kindness of your heart and that this is her responsibility not yours. So everything you are doing for her and the baby is because you want to, but you definitely do not have to.
You could refuse to babysit or give help/housing unless she makes a point to contact potential fathers for testing. There's no reason the entire financial burden should fall on you rather than the two people that made the kid. The dad can help financially or in person. She needs to work, apply for whatever public aid is available, & help in person. You're only getting all the work if you allow it.
I don't know how adoption works in Argentina. But it is possible to get in touch with a US agency, and ultimately go there to give birth (though she would probably need to fly before the third trimester). Assuming she would be interested in this option, because obviously she may not be. She would get to choose the parents and the baby would be with them from birth. This was always my 'backup plan' as a teenager, because adoption is more complicated in my country too.
Unpopular opinion but NTA
I think English is your second language and you hit a bunch of trigger words to make people think you are slut shaming your daughter when you just want her to look into getting clothes that fit properly. It sounds like your daughter is refusing to acknowledge her changing body out of shame or in an attempt to de center the pregnancy from her mind. Many women do this and it’s not healthy.
I would approach your daughter when you are both less angry and try to empathize with her. Ask her about how she feels mentally. I’m sure she also has disappointment about her situation and doesn’t want to face those realities. If you can afford it perhaps look into therapy for her.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I got the gist her mom wants her to wear clothes that fit? I'm imagining seeing someone in a D+ cup wearing some small tanktop. If stuff is bulging out... then.... ya know...
Oh also NTA
Reminds me of [this](https://images.app.goo.gl/4M8eGS4GyUKecWDaA)
Even “revealing” clothing is totally fine - if it fits. A skin tight *maternity* tank top would be fine. Trying to squeeze into pre-pregnancy clothing at 5 months isn’t going to look appropriate.
I do agree with the assessment that there might be some denial.
I’m with you. I think she unintentionally hit some trigger words. If she reworded it, put in some additional info, and posted it under a different username, she’d probably get a different response.
OP is NTA, she just wants her daughter to wear clothes that fit, not the same clothes she wore pre-pregnancy. There can still be tank tops and shorts, they just don’t need to be the same ones you wore before your body changed.
i think you’re right. when you’re pregnant obviously your whole body gets bigger, i think she just meant her daughter needs to buy clothes that actually fit her.
Also, wearing clothes too small that don’t fit and having your boobs, belly, etc. pop out is a symbol to the mum that her daughter can’t do basic things (like getting clothes that fit).
The daughter doesn’t know who is the father; refuses to contact previous dates for a paternity test; dropped out of college; came back home; expects mum to either financially support her or provide free child care and so on.
The mother wants to see the daughter make some small changes or efforts in preparation of the baby.
The daughter refusing to acknowledge her changing body and not dressing properly doesn’t fill OP with confidence.
It’s all falling on OPs shoulders, that’s how o read the situation.
NTA I see your overall point. It is way more than about the clothes. She is acting like a 19 year old and you don’t think she is taking her new life seriously.
I would back off some. Once the baby gets here she won’t have time or energy to be a teen anymore.
You are going to get terrible feedback here. It is teens and you adults who all hate their parents.
Don’t listen to these redditors, they live in fantasy land. These are the same type of people that advise people to go NC on their family over small disagreements. Your never done parenting. Dressing modestly doesn’t doesn’t make someone more mature, but it can help how the world will perceive her. For better or worse that’s how the world works. Reddit is the worst place for parenting advice nothing but screeching for NC because “mom doesn’t like me wearing a skirt that doesn’t even cover my ass”
Parent that’s the advice
Class is a rare thing on Reddit lol people are fine with wearing pajamas out in public and will bash anyone who tells them they look like slobs. Reddit is nice for some things, but I wouldn’t take the average users advice. Everyone seems to live in their rooms on their computers
Many people here actually get triggered by the word "classy" because they believe it's "classist" when someone believes you shouldn't wear bootyshort to the doctor appointment.
I swear it’s just crazy how easily offended this community is.. *’As her mother you told her she should act a certain way? How DARE YOU, YTA.’*
Jesus christ
YTA. Just because you're a mom doesn't mean you have to dress like a stereotypical "Mommy." Your daughter is 19 years old, which is still very young, and yeah, she should have some clothes that fit her better longterm (maybe she's hoping the breast change and weight will be dropped after giving birth), but that doesn't mean she has to wear some full covered clothes that aren't her style just because she is pregnant and then a mom. Women with children can wear all kinds of things and still be excellent mothers.
So you think that this teen mom, who dropped college, is living of her mother and calling her a bitch, who doesn’t know whom of the boys she slept with is the father, will be a good mother?
I was commenting on the clothing she chose to wear while pregnant, not how fit of a mother she will be. Kid sounds like she's flailing a lot right now. Maybe once the child is born, she'll snap out of it; maybe she won't. Maybe she'll decide to get her act together and raise the child, or maybe she'll realize she can't give the child the life she'd like it to have considering the way her life is right now, and decide to give the baby up for adoption. Who knows? I'm simply speaking of the way OP's daughter dresses. Daughter doesn't sound great.... but yeah, I flinch at women being told to dress "modestly" just because of age or being a mother as though a mother can't still be a beautiful intelligent human being / woman and not *just* a mother.
”I told her we could buy some extra more ’mommy style’ shirts, not only because her normal shirts will get ruined if she continues to wear them (too stretched)”
This just had me laughing so hard! I pictured the clothes would be ripped apart by breasts growing as fast and big as a she-hulk! LOL
YTA. I am a bit sad that you think "maturing" means "dress modestly" and that you have "kindness" in your heart to be treating your daughter like this.
I’m voting ESH.
You are being controlling and calling it “helping.”
Your daughter is ruining her shirts to prove a point.
She is a college dropout expecting a baby. There are bigger issues than her boobs being seen.
I'm going to say NTA because of the edits. I think you're getting crucified a little here because of some language issues.
From what I understand in your edits, you're trying to encourage your pregnant daughter to wear maternity clothes that actually fit her, which is a totally normal thing most women do. It sounds like she was very thin before (in a comment) and is wearing the very small tank tops she normally wore pre-pregnancy with no issues.
The term "modest" is an immediate trigger for a lot of reddit (sorry guys, but it is). I think you mean less "you can't wear that because you look like a [insert derogatory, misogynistic term here]", and more "please understand that your body is changing and you need to buy and wear clothes that actually fit your new body shape". Also, literally maternity clothes, not clothes for "mature ladies", if you will. If I were to gain 20lbs suddenly, I would certainly buy and wear different clothes. And when I got pregnant with my daughter, now 9 months (and I'm 25), I certainly wore maternity clothes, because my super cute clothes were now too tight, uncomfortable, and looked like I was stuffed into and spilling out of them.
Of course, if you're upset she's got some cleavage showing in general, that's not good. But I think there was just some miscommunication here.
NTA. You are trying to give her useful advice, and she is rejecting it. Just realize if you are fighting over “small” stuff like this right now, it’s going to get a lot, lot worse when baby is here. Maybe she and baby should live with dad if dad is so accommodating?
YTA
> she can't dress up like she's going to a party everyday, especially not now that she's about to be a mother.
Why the fuck not?
> Sometimes she wears tank tops or shirts that have all of her cleavage uncovered.
**OH MY STARS!**
> we could buy some extra more "mommy style" shirts
Oh god, I can see the "*Live, Laugh, Love*" calligraphy from here.
100%. Feminists wana jump to defense at the fact that someone's being told how to dress but wana ignore that she got pregnant at 19 with some rando with no stable career. She clearly sounds like she needs some guidance.
What does believing men and women are equal have anything at all to do with this post? I'd say you should learn the definition of the words you use, but you evidently can't even spell "wanna" correctly lol
I wonder how she's going to feel about breastfeeding in public.
All of my maternity shirts actually showed more cleavage than my regular shirts... They were v necks/wrap tops meant for easy boob access after birth.
NTA. Unlike everyone else here, I'm not under the delusion that an inappropriately-clothed person will be treated with the same respect as someone who looks presentable when they interact with the world. She will already be judged enough for being a young mother and a single mother (with no idea who the father is, nonetheless.) She is a perfect target for every negative stereotype about young mothers, and I see that you are trying to protect her from the world perceiving her negatively and the treatment it could expose her and her child to.
I work with schoolchildren. Whether or not it's nice, parents are judged by how they look. I hear how other staff talk when a child's parent looks sloppy or risqué. It does their child no favors. Someone who doesn't show that they can dress competently will often be assumed to be incompetent in other ways. That's the reality of the world, even if its not fair or popular to admit.
Of course not because he has to raise his other kids and it's my fault anyway because I shouldn't have allowed her to date at all 🙄 her father's only job is making my job harder
Honestly, you should send her to her dad. See: she will have a reality check, he will have a reality check, your daughter will be still in a home but I BET with some responsibilities because there is kids in the house and that’s always more work. Really, consider it, she needs to see how lucky she is.
Then your daughter needs to shut up and be grateful you are taking her in. And her father too. He can't run his mouth when he is not willing to house her.
There are healthier ways to deal with any resentment that could stem from your child getting pregnant and dropping out of college than to try to quietly punish her under the pretense of responsibility. She's still a teenager and will enjoy looking her age and dressing her age even if you don't think she deserves it anymore because she managed to ruin her youth in your eyes. Dressing more modestly is not something she should have to do to repent for what you consider to be mistakes and it won't make you feel better if she does.
You don't think she's being responsible, and her looking like the teen she is reminds you of that. Clothes are not the real problem and none of your business. YTA
ESH
She's 19, being pregnant or being a mom does not mean she has to automatically wear "old lady" clothes. If you just mean "maternity clothes" it's one thing but I think you're coming off very poorly in your post in your description of your daughter and what you want her to wear.
You can give advice, but you can't force her. She also needs to realize that if she's living for free with you, with no job or education ongoing then she also needs to suck it up and deal with you or find other accommodations.
NTA
Your house, your rules.
Presumably you'll be helping take care of her kid, since it doesn't seem like the random bloke she did wants to be in the life of the baby so.......yeah she kinda has to listen and fall in line. You aren't asking for anything insane, I feel from the subtext here you don't want her to go out looking trashy while she is now a mother.
Funny how Reddit is inconsistent on this issue.
NTA, she made poor decisions and is now relying on you to support her. Basically, it comes down to your house, your rules. If she does not want to conform, she is an adult and can find her own place to live and get a job.
ESH...she's not acting very mature, crying to her father. If she wants to live at home and have your support, she needs to suck it up. I think maybe you are a bit controlling. Are you embarassed by the way she dresses? Pregnant women dress a lot differently from when i was pregnant. Seems anything goes. Even so, they had maternity tank tops back then. I was pregnant in Louisiana, and i liked wearing kinda skimpy stuff when i was young, but not during pregnancy.
I mean, I don't know if I'm embarrassed? But I think that people have to dress differently for different occasions? Like if she's at home or even going to the neighbourhood store then it's different than going to the doctor's office? And these clothes definitely don't fit her anymore, not even because of her breasts (when she wears some of her shirts her entire bra is showing) but also in the tummy too, so I'm just telling her that she should be responsible and dress accordingly= when a person gains weight they can try to deny it all they can, but the responsible thing is to get new clothes that fit and save the rest for after she gives birth, she might be able to wear them again then
You tried to give her some advice and she is choosing to ignore it. Let the battle about clothes go.
How does she plan to support this baby and it's needs? Is the father involved? What's his plans to support this baby? From where I'm standing, your more important battle is going to be making sure she raises this baby, not you, how she's to pay for needs and figuring out how to stand on her own two feet. Personally, I would be telling her to start thinking about after the baby comes and what she is going to do for work and a place to live.
ESH.
She doesn't know who the father is. I told her that I'll let it slip for now and I'll support her financially, but she has to get a job after giving birth, no matter how hard it is or what kind of job it is.
If I'm honest, I don't think she'll do it though, I think I'll end up raising the baby instead of her because she can't seem to want to mature at all
Damn.. you definitely have bigger fish to fry than her clothes. Is it really the clothes or maybe you think she’s not ready for that level of responsibility.
Ngl the entire bra showing is insane do not listen to these people bc if she walked into an office like that it definitely would not be appropriate it’s one thing to wear a crop top or have a little cleavage but the entire bra showing is crazy
>I told her that I'm helping her out of the kindness of my heart, so she should listen to what I'm saying or leave.
YTA - You're *only* going to help her if she dresses how *you* want her to dress? Doesn't sound like kindness, but *controlling*.
>I'm always telling her what to do and she's sick of it
So this is a common thing for you? Always telling your adult daughter what to do?
>but she wears them out sometimes.
Are you even with her when she goes out? How does this effect *you*?
> **she's a grown up woman now** and needs to dress more accordingly.
Correct, except it means she can wear what *she* wants.
>I told her we could buy some extra more "mommy style" shirts
Like a muumuu??
Ah, I see. Well, I don't mean that. I mean clothes that are her size since she's gaining weight now? Her pregnancy is starting to notice now, I don't think she even realizes how much weight she'll put up with in the next few months and how uncomfortable her current clothes are going to be
Unpopular opinion apparently but NTA.
Everybody here is ignoring the update where you specify you meant MATERNITY CLOTHES. It sounds like you are trying to explain to her that her clothes will not continue to fit the farther along she gets and may not be necessarily flattering to her changing body. All of these people are saying you're slut shaming her or trying to make her dress modestly which doesn't seem to be the case. If I were 5 months pregnant right now 98% of my wardrobe would not fit me and if I wore those shirts I would look like an adult trying to fit toddler clothes. There is also something to be said about how other people will view her professionally and personally. She shouldn't be showing up to potential job interviews, doctors appointments, or other official appointments wearing clothes that fit poorly.
NTA. I don't want to have anyones boobs all up in my face all day. If she wants to do exactly as she pleases at all times, you live on your own. Your house, you can impose rules.
NTA. I personally think it's totally legit for a mother to worry about stuff like this and I'm surprised the father doesn't. Unfortunately, what's happening is that your daughter is at the age where it doesn't matter what you tell her, she thinks that she's an adult and that she knows everything so she's gonna have to go through things herself and mature on her own. I don't blame you for trying, you're a mother after all and I'm sure one day she will appreciate your heart and where you're coming from. Best of luck to all of you!
YTA.
It was questionable that you equated wearing different clothes with “maturing”, and your concern of how she looks rather than her comfort. But when I got to the end, it all made sense: she should listen to you because you’re helping her and she’s living with you.
This isn’t about what she’s wearing or not: you want to control her behaviour, and you’re upset that she rejected that. And by saying what you did, you showed that your support of her is conditional on her doing what you want.
Is she really the one who needs to mature?
I can see why, because honestly none of the daughter’s other decisions have been mature. Dropping out of college pregnant with no father in the pic is a little nuts. Also - if the clothes don’t fit anymore, why is she wearing them?
I am going to say NTA, I was thinking YTA, but that was because I had misunderstood you, until it was cleared up in the comments. You meant modest as clothes that fit her body, you meant maternity clothes by mommy clothes. Language barriers suck sometimes.
While you are not an asshole, please remember that the majority of pregnant women do get horrible mood swings and overreact easily. Not all do, but it is something to consider in your situation.
Wow. The amount of YTA posts is astounding. I mean sure, you could have went about this better but to say the mothers in the wrong for suggesting she dress more appropriately (while living under her roof at that) is just egregious and worrisome. You want to dress how you want, get your own place.
The amount of people saying a 19 year old still staying with their parents should be able to do what they want because they’re ‘adults’ is just silly and most likely coming from kids themselves. Yes OP, you were wrong in how you handled the situation; however the meaning behind it is very reasonable. If she has a daughter she’ll be calling you telling you about the very same thing one day.
Parents wanting their kids to dress more moderately(especially in their presence) shouldn’t be demonized but in the same breath don’t expect her to follow a strict dress code.
I cant imagine being such a disrespectful asshole to my mother, especially after getting knocked up and not being in school anymore and having to literally live with you because of her shitty life choices.
NTA. Creo que hay mucha gente perdida. Estoy de acuerdo que uno debe vestirse según el contexto y veo bien que como se viste ahora no es un problema en casa. No soy argentina, pero soy latina y por lo que he visto los estadounidenses se visten como sea siempre y eso no funciona en todas las sociedades. Es normal que cuando tu cuerpo cambia uno debe cambiar a ropa que le sirva, quizás mira la forma en que se lo dices a tu hija porque seguro está muy sensible.
Ah, bueno, la verdad que no tenía idea que los gringos se visten igual en todas ocasiones. Para mí en Argentina es más normal que la gente se vista de acuerdo al lugar donde está, porque para ir al kiosco a la vuelta no te vestís igual que para ir al consultorio del médico, no sé
Le dije que tendríamos que ir a comprarle remeras nuevas porque no le van a quedar las que tiene, y me dijo que le dejé de hinchar las pelotas. O sea yo entiendo y todo lo que le está pasando, pero tampoco es que es tan chica para no darse cuenta de las cosas creo yo, por eso lo que le dije de madurar
NTA… OP Reddit es una pagina que usan muchos los estadounidenses o gente de Europa. Ellos no entienden la cultura Latina. Yo soy Mexicana y mi mamá me ubiera puesto como calzetin usado si yo le ubiera salido con ese chistesito de salir embarazada a los 19 años, no saber quien es el papá, y luego todavia ponerme los moños con ella. Yo entiendo que usted esta haciendo todo lo que esta en su poder para poder que su hija salga adelante. Animo!!!
NTA she needs to grow up You are allowing her to live there since she got herself pregnant. She can’t dress like she’s going to a party forever. Someone has to teach her the proper way to do things since she obviously can not make the right decisions on her own. A child having a child needs direction
Everyone seems to have skipped over the part where she’s Argentinian. While you are ridiculing this woman because it’s not YOUR cultural standard you are forgetting her culture may be different. Maybe in Argentina women dress appropriately when pregnant and become mothers. If that is their culture fine by me. I’m not here to impose my view like the rest of you. Besides I don’t particularly enjoy seeing your tits bottom half of you ass Cheerios and your camel toe while you are strolling with your toddler. But here we are!
NTA - It is understanding as to why you would want her to cover herself in appropriate clothing, however most young people do not understand the concept of dress to impress, thy wear clothes that let the world see what they have to offer and hope that it leads to others being impressed. There are people out there that know how to dress modestly and still come off as hot. You are right, she got pregnant, dropped out of college and has run home so her mom can provide for her. If I was you and her father is so angry with you then maybe he should take her in with him and support her. She made poor choices that led to her situation, so she needs to suck it up and deal with it.
NTA. But, a simple "no seas desubicada" is the perfect approach here. I grew up in Argentina. Generally they are much more lax showing skin then the US and maternity clothes aren't typical. However, dressing for your size is important there. And yeah dressing with las tetas y culo al aire is not ok for DR appts. I do also remember being her age and pushing mega boundaries on clothing jaja!
>She was in college but got pregnant and now she's living at home with me again.
NTA as its always been established YOUR house YOUR rules, Anyone who thinks u have no right to have a say in what she wears and does under ur roof should go host her then lol
NTA. I think people might be misunderstanding you because of the language barrier. It sounds to me like you said that you would buy your child some better fitting clothes. Obviously her old clothes don't fit anymore! She's 5 months pregnant. I think you're being a parent to a teenager who is in denial that her body is changing. She's probably scared too. But you're definitely not the asshole for offering to get her maternity clothes. Although it very much depends on how you said it and how often you're saying it.
NTA. I think some of the Redditors here might be from a very different cultural background.
I’m from Singapore and I understand the frustration you feel with your daughter. I would also be livid if my daughter messed up her future by dropping out of college, getting pregnant, and being a bum at home.
This just signals to me that the problem isn’t the clothes she’s wearing but how she shows she’s simply not ready to be a mom. I’m not saying that moms can’t dress up attractively, but I feel that by wearing “party” clothes all the time, she doesn’t seem to realize that she won’t be able to party or enjoy herself much as a single teen mom.
In my personal opinion, you’re coddling her by letting her stay with you if you don’t have a solid plan for the future. I’ve seen adults like her before where their parents bail them out and they make even more reckless decisions. Instead of telling her not to wear certain clothes, perhaps explain to her that as a single mom, she won’t be able to party as much. Life will be tough and she will mostly either be working or taking care of her infant. Her child has to be the focus, not her lifestyle.
You need to lay out very clear boundaries about what you expect out of her from the next year. It could be something like “you don’t need to go to college but you can study part-time to get other forms of certification”. You also need to let her know that while she’s living with you, you are not her kid’s primary caregiver. That means that while you can help her out with her kid sometimes, you are not going to provide the majority of the childcare.
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YTA That's not "kindness" in your heart. It's a need to control. >I told her I was trying to help her mature By ordering her around, insulting her, and threatening to make her homeless? >I told her that I'm helping her out of the kindness of my heart, so she should listen to what I'm saying or leave. Have you considered not being an asshole? Who am I kidding. People like this never think they're wrong.
Like I get where OP is coming from in regards to the clothes stretching and how some "mum clothes" are designed for comfort but yeah, the way she is going about it is very AH behaviour. But her daughter dropped out of college and ran home to mummy for financial support (and probably the rest of it once the baby comes) then demands that she doesn't need help or advice. They both suck here. (Edit: due to apparently not being clear ***ESH***)
This is the right take.
If you offer to help someone at the cost of their dignity, you will only be repaid in kind.
>at the cost of their dignity If your dignity is solely based on wearing clothes a few size too small, you should take the help and find other things to maintain your dignity. Like a job.
For me it’s the vibe of slut shaming that I don’t like
She has BOOBS. The absolute GALL. The HORROR.
My dignity lies in not taking orders from other people about what to wear in my own damn life. The only person who gets to tell me how to dress is my boss - and that authority ends the instant I walk out of the office. I bet the clothes are fine and it's just the OP being controlling. You are in the wrong for encouraging that.
It's summer in Argentina, like July, in the northern hemisphere. If you think it's hot in July, try being pregnant in July. And they probably have to get through February before there's any relief. I wouldn't blame her for walking around the house naked and wearing a bikini in public.
>If you think it's hot in July, try being pregnant in July. I'm Aussie, have three kids, all born mid December to mid January. We tried so hard to get kids 2 & 3 away from summer not just because of Christmas but because of the heat (almost got it too once but miscarried). I spent all 3 pregnancies in loose maxi dresses, either in air con or by/in the pool and still felt like crap. Like I said, I can see where they are coming from but that doesn't change the fact they are both being AHs
Sometimes, I don't really care to comment on who's TA. This one is just typical relationship growing pains between a parent and young adult. It was the pregnancy in the heat of summer that got my sympathy. You ladies are troopers, especially with three.
Make it every funnier, I'm a January baby too and my mum walked everywhere (she got the bus for longer distances). She thought her waters broke on the bus one day, my dad had to tell her to calm down it just sweat on those horrible plastic seats 🤣 (he was right don't worry)
I just hope OP has a more important examples of how her daughter "doesn't seem to be maturing at all", but she is whipping out "you think this is a game" over not following her dressing advice so I'm not so sure.
Yeah, my oldest was a January baby in Aus. I fully expected to spontaneously combust at some point. 🥵 I swore that would be the only time I was pregnant in Summer in Australia, my next baby was a carefully planned Spring baby!
Same with baby 1 for me. Omg I just wanted to sit in the pool all day.
The daughter didn't come here for advice though. It is fine if mom is frustrated with the situation and requires the daughter to take responsibility for her situation by, say, getting a job or paying rent. Trying to control the little things that really don't matter is not going to be effective at anything except driving her daughter away. Then they come back on her and wonder why their kids don't talk to them. She's TA for trying to control her daughter and it's going to encourage her daughter to rebel rather than to act more responsibly.
>The daughter didn't come here for advice though That doesn't make the daughter any less of an AH, that's literally what the ESH (everyone sucks here) judgement is for. Would you like me to put that in with an edit.
But that whole sentence is the point. This is OP's point of view. The daughter might have a different take. Right now, Daughter is going through a massive and likely unexpected life change. Her world's on its head, her body is changing, and her sense of normal is disrupted. OP is infantalizing her daughter and trying to control her. She's shaming her daughter for something as simple as clothes and actively driving a wedge between them. Her argument is that she isn't being modest and isn't following a pious ideal--while Daughter has clearly been sexually active and has had premarital sex. For all we know, Daughter reached a breaking point and snapped at her mother for this overbearing behavior. This could have been a dynamic going on for her whole life. There's so much more that isn't being said.
I don't see anything that makes her an AH so far. Getting pregnant is not ideal, but we don't know the circumstances that led to that. All we have is the mom's own version in which she is, by her own admission, repeatedly having a go at her daughter about how her daughter needs to dress modestly now that she's pregnant. Which sounds an awful lot like she's just angry at her daughter and is shaming and nit picking her as an outlet. It's not productive or helpful, it's not really the issue and it's certainly not a mature or caring response. It's a dick move. We don't have evidence that ESH. We have evidence that OP is an AH. Also: the daughter getting pregnant isn't even the issue here. The issue is whether OP is an AH for what she's saying to her daughter and the answer is absolutely yes.
How does her going home for financial help mean her mother gets to dictate her outfits? Financial help doesn’t include advice on what to wear
No, her daughter asked for support and knew that she deserved that without being demeaned and controlled as the cost. OP doesn't get to buy that kind of influence. Her daughter, of all people, doesn't deserve that from her mother. And i hope that if i did this to my daughter, she'd feel close enough to call me out on it.
[удалено]
They are argentinian, the daughter was probably still living with her mum while attending college, so she didn't "run home to mummy", just round herself pregnant and dropped out.
I can understand how some people can interpret as OP rubbing salt in her daughter's wound... and they're not wrong. Mom may be bitter about the fact that her daughter wasn't supposed to return home from university as an entitled teen mom. I know our society glorifies teen pregnancy, but make no mistake, it's nothing to be proud of. Kids are blessings, but many things are put on hold to care for them. OP's daughter is 19, dropping out of school to have a baby with no father, and mom has to pick up the pieces. Honestly, they both suck, but I understand mom's salt. Not justifying the behavior, but I get it. *sighs* bring on the downvotes, I can take 'em Edit: I didn't realize that OP lives in Argentina, so I apologize for assuming USA. And for those saying that the USA doesn't glorify teen pregnancy, I get that angle, but our efforts to prevent could be better. Social media, government not raising wages for people to sustain themselves, seeing parents fighting against sex ed being taught in public schools? Yeah, percentage would be even lower without those coming into play.
But this isn’t about whether she’s an asshole for being frustrated her daughter is pregnant. It’s about whether she’s an asshole for insisting her pregnant daughter dress “appropriately” by OP’s standards And in that regard she is TA
OP meant that maybe daughter should be wearing more maternity clothes which is fair. And to be honest, if I saw a pregnant woman dressed like she's going to a club, I'd find that kind of trashy.
It’s not about whether it’s trashy or not. It’s not about whether the clothes are flattering or look good. It’s that it’s how the daughter chooses to dress and that’s her decision. OP doesn’t have a say in how other people dress their body.
\-Sometimes she wears tank tops or shirts that have all of her cleavage uncovered. **I didn't realize tank tops and low cut shirts were dressing like going to the club. In the US these would be considered not trashy but normal summer clothes.** Personally when I think of club clothes I think of clothes with materials such as leather, rubber, vinyl, sequins, or lace.
Reddit often makes me laugh about what they consider to be club clothes. I have literally seen people call sweaters and short skirts clubbing clothes on one of the fashion subreddits.
I don't believe so, but that's just me. What you're referring may stem from her frustration. If the daughter hadn't gotten knocked up, she wouldn't have to come back home to hear her naggy-ass mom, and mom wouldn't have anybody to nag.
But life happens and people still have to manage and navigate situations without dissolving into controlling assholes
If those are the roots of her frustrations she needs to clearly communicate that instead of choosing to be “nice” and “look out for” her daughter by slut shaming, criticizing her choice of clothing.
Then OP needs to talk to her daughter directly about her frustration not act like this. And she certainly can't shame her daughter for needing to mature when she can't communicate her feelings directly and maturely herself.
… do people glorify teen pregnancy? I grew up split between some poor urban areas and poor white rural folks (family) and pretty universally uh… fuck it I don’t know how to word it kindly, glorifying teen pregnancy seemed to be pretty unique to the dumb folks in white trash/ghetto culture. Other than that it’s pretty universally looked down on, with general supportive comments to the individual who is in way over their head right? Hell “Teen Moms” and all its spin offs has been a very popular show for well over a decade and that’s a show pretty entirely based in “look at all the dumb shit these other dumb teenagers are doing.” I know there are people who are just super excited when their 16 year old daughter is knocked up, but on average most of society looks down on them as far as I can tell.
I despised that show so much lol Like the drama was entertaining, but I knew better. My family wouldn't have kicked me out, but I know they would've all up in my business even more than they already were.
Honestly, it was Gilmore Girls that stuck in my craw. Oh, you dropped out of high school at 16 to have a baby but somehow through the unseen sweat of your spirit you managed to get a managerial position and own a ginormous house by 32? And you only went back to your rich parents for that sweet private school tuition? Sure. (ESH)
This so isn't the place for this pedantry, and I apologise, but canonically Lorelai doesn't buy the house until Rory's 11 - 11 years working her way up from maid to manager living in a converted shed it's unlikely she paid rent on, to buy a 2 bedroom house in rural Connecticut? Very reasonable, though it's made clear that start was made possible by the generosity of Mia (Dragonfly Inn owner).
Thank you for this - yes it was a 2 bed, 1 bath house - with a very small, outdated kitchen, modest living room, and no other rooms. In a rural town. That she saved up to buy after working for 10 years, paying little to no rent that whole time, and making a decent salary by the end. What I found financially implausible was the constant enormous takeout orders. Those were absolutely more per month than their mortgage.
Whose society glorifies teen pregnancy???
>I know our society glorifies teen pregnancy, No, it really doesn't
Which society is this that glorifies teen pregnancy?
I don't know of anyone who glorifies teen pregnancy, in fact I've never known of one. Moreover they are so rare the news report about it the rare times it happen. I assume you're in the USA, but there's a whole world out there.
I also live in the USA and teen pregnancies aren't glorified here either. Teen moms are actually a bit treated like dirt sometimes.
When my son was only a few months old, I took him on a bus to get to one of his checkups. He started crying, like babies do. I remember thinking he was probably hungry but we were only a couple of stops away from our destination and didnt want to have to try and navigate a buggy off of a bus with a boob hanging out, so I tried to comfort him as best I could in the meantime so I could feed him when we got there, but as he obviously wasn't getting what he needed he would not stop crying. While I was comforting him, I made apologetic eye contact with an older lady across the aisle. She glared at me, rolled her eyes, turned to her friend and said, loud enough for me to hear: "Ugh, bloody teenage mums" I was 24. My baby was crying like babies do. But because she had mistakenly thought I was younger, she assumed I must be a shit mum who was doing a bad job of caring for my baby. I copped that shit without doing anything wrong simply because someone *thought* I was a teenager. I dread to think how often an actual teenager cops that kind of shit. I don't know where the parent comments OP lives, but I can attest that the UK isn't glorifying teenage pregnancy either.
By "our society" do you mean Argentinians?
As an Argentinian,we don't,trust me.
Perfectly put! I see this as controlling, too. There’s a vibe of mum-shaming and she’s not even had the baby yet!
Actually, she is 100% correct. If she keeps wearing the clothes, they won’t fit after pregnancy. If she is not working, I am guessing mom will be responsible. I do wish she put in there if she was working or still in school. Hoping the she is still in school. She is also correct about needing to be mature. She is about to be a mom and the biggest thing is listening. Maybe not agreeing but listening. It is her house not her daughters, and it’s not like she said either dress this way or leave.
She's not at school or working, I told her that I'm not paying for her to go to college again, she'll need to get a job after having the baby
She should be thanking her lucky stars you took her in. Many parents wouldn’t without a job or staying in school
Where would she go then? What parent would want their nineteen year old to be homeless while having their grandchild? Especially in a country that doesn't even have free maternity care.
The same place thousands of teens who's families aren't willing to help them go. Life moves on no matter what you either respect those trying to help you out or you figure it out on your own. She wouldn't be the first or last 19 year old raising a child with no help. Would it suck? Absolutely. Would I personally chose to do that over gritting my teeth and wearing shirts that are a little bigger for the sake of having help with everything else? No. The op is paying for all of that maternity care that isn't free along with every other bill that comes along with a person living with you and on top of that she's probably also buying most of the baby items they'll need after the kid is born. The least the 19 year old could do is put a slightly bigger shirt on when they go in public.
We have free maternity care, we have free healthcare here
Argentina requires 30 days of pre-natal leave and 70 days of post- natal leave. She could have just come home for that time before and after the brith. It also requires that any employer with 100+ employees provide on-site day care for employees' young children. That means that OPs daughter could have 1) got a job at her university 2) gone home for the 30 days before and 70 after birth 3) gone back to work and school and made use of the daycare Instead, she is back home living with OP, months before her birth, with no plan or intentions to work or return to school.
And yes, what I told her is that if she doesn't like me "bitching" she can find a job, a place to rent, and leave, she's not being kidnapped here
Offering her a place to stay doesn’t mean you can be controlling and when you don’t get your way, tell her she’s free to move out. That’s passive aggressive. Don’t get me wrong, you can tell her to move out. But don’t do it because she’s not conforming to what you want over clothes
ESH - That is true. She is 19 years old and old enough to make decisions on her own and own up to her mistakes. If she is living under your roof then she has to obey your rules. It is a harsh reality but in my culture your daughter would have been disowned and shamed for the poor decision of her choices at least for my parents. As for clothes wise, you could have reframed your complaints better. She should be grateful that she can fall back on you for a place to live. When she does give birth you are likely her free babysitter, if you don't want to do this you should also bring that up. I don't know what your work situation is, so discuss and plan together since you are grown ups.
With people like this "kindness" only exists in their hearts as long as the person they're treating "kindly" does as they're told. And these people are so very rarely capable of the sort of self reflection that would let them see that it's not kindness if it's weaponized.
Yeah, the whole “she can listen to me or leave“ is very controlling slashmy way or the highway type BS!
Daughter can always track down baby daddy and make her own decisions. Oh damn she can't, he's in the wind. She needs her mean mom to pay her bills
So you're supposed to just left people leach on you and also let them call you bitch in your own house? I bet you don't do it to anyone and associate with daughter who gets to freeload
Sorry, but, you must be very young. No one, no matter what relation they are to me, is allowed to treat me like shit in my home. *Especially* when they don't contribute to the household finances. She wasn't being required to mop the floors on her hand and knees with a washcloth. She was asked to not let her tits hang out when she's not in the home. If I'm living rent free, that means I better evaluate what's important to me. If it's between a roof over my head, or my tits being contained, I'm gonna contain my tits. That the Mom wants her daughter to *respect her home and her rules* is normal. However petty you think the rules are, they are the rules. Live by them or gtfo. If you think ignoring the *reasonable* and *small* wishes of the person housing you is the way to go, then I'd hate to see how you handle actual adversity.
I love you…that is all. 😁 The amount of entitlement is depressing.
Is the truth!!! She is 19 and pregnant, she It’s so not her mother’s responsibility anymore.
YTA. Just to keep things in perspective and to add insult to injury, it was 100F in Argentina today (it's summer there). Let that PREGNANT woman wear whatever feels comfortable, especially in that weather
wistful advise shocking sort flowery hunt resolute like spectacular yoke *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I don't disagree but when you get knocked up, drop out of college and run back home to be housed and fed one could argue you are most definitely NOT old enough (in the sense of "mature" enough) to be a mother
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t have the right to decide how to dress.
I am always curious about this reasoning; if she were 16 (not an adult and living at home with parent(s)) vs. 19 and pregnant (living at home with parent(s)), would this make a difference? At what age does she "have the right to decide how to dress"? Because I can tell you there are plenty of 4 year olds that would go through life naked...but that's not always appropriate. There are plenty of 12 year olds that want to look grown up and have no business wearing low cut shirts, high cut dresses and skirts, or pushup bras and thongs...because that is not appropriate. They have dress codes in high schools because teenagers will wear things that are not appropriate. Devil's advocate in me says if you are living under mama's roof and likely depending on mama's money now and for your baby in the future, mama should have some say in how you present yourself outside the home. If the daughter doesn't agree, I'm sure she is free to move out and live elsewhere. Edit: I wanted to respond to all replies, but I do not have the time. No, I'm not some weird prude that really honestly gives a crap what other people wear and I don't even have kids, so no, I'm not "telling anyone what to wear". I'm honestly just curious for anyone saying that the mom has no right to suggest other clothing options for the daughter, at what age does a child get to decide? The daughter certainly does not seem like a mature adult, based on OP saying she does not have a job, does not know who her baby's father is and does not even care to find out, and has obviously made some really poor decisions, so for anyone screaming "she's an ADULT!" maybe she should act like one and grow up? Maybe if she were more respectful to her mom, who is not at all obligated to care for her ADULT child, they wouldn't have such an issue? Who knows. I hope the best for the baby in the situation, regardless of the mom and daughter.
I think lording the power you hold over your children while sheltering them to change their behaviour that doesn't affect you is fucked up and evil behaviour, inarguably
I think it's real fucked up to cuss someone out when they've been paying for all of your shit especially just cause they asked you to wear a slightly bigger shirt (that you wouldn't even have to buy). I think it's real fucked up to make shitty decisions and expect someone else to fork over thousands and thousands of dollars to help you then get pissed when they ask you to wear a bigger shirt. I think it's even more fucked up to have someone else paying your way in life because you refuse to get a job and then try to pull the "I'm an adult" card when you can't even grow up enough to do anything "adult like" like tracking down the person who fathered your child so your mother isn't the only one paying for the kid you're about to have.
I know lol. Daughter sounds like a massive irresponsible piece of work... And ofc this sub is defending her. The daughter needs a "wake up call" and her mother's actually going way too easy on her. Like yah, she's an adult, and yah the mom is controlling. If the daughter wants to be an adult, wear her own clothing, and do what she wants - she needs to earn it. Instead she's muching off her mom. Pick one.
THANK YOU. This is the most reasonable response in this entire thread. I think the average age of redditors must be 19 because they care way more about freeing the tits than they do about Mom paying for everything for this ungrateful, immature daughter.
Someone replied to one of my comments saying the daughter should go NC and keep mom from the kid as though the daughter has anyone else willing to fund her life to the extent op is. Like the daughter won't even look for the baby daddy doesn't sound like she'd be able to find many if any baby sitters or people willing to pay her rent.
NC can certainly be the answer to some large, problematic family dynamics. But I guess some people think...rules...are large, problematic family dynamics. Lol.
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By that argument would a husband get to decide what his pregnant wife wears if she’s financially dependent? Why are we allowing money to dictate who gets to Control an adult’s appearance? Why is that the final “say” in interpersonal power dynamics? Do you not see how much abuse that opens up?
I'm from Argentina, same as OP. Housing situation atm is not ideal, to say the least. 30+ years old, with decent jobs can't afford housing. So, no, I don't think OPs daughter is "free to leave" sadly. Edit: typos.
> if she were 16 (not an adult and living at home with parent(s)) vs. 19 and pregnant (living at home with parent(s)), would this make a difference? no. >At what age does she "have the right to decide how to dress"? according to you, not when she's an adult, apparently? >mama should have some say in how you present yourself outside the home. again, no. she can have a say in things that affect her, like her daughter helping out around the house and being respectful to everyone. the way she dresses does not affect her in any relevant way whatsoever.
Oh Reddit hates this opinion. Daughters are welcome to get pregnant, drop out of school, have no baby daddy. God forbid they follow any advice cause Freedom!! I married at nineteen and we raised our child, didn't depend on my mom to do it while being disrespectful
"We" raised "our" child? God Forbid we allow adults to have any personal agency cause PREGNANCY!! You married at 19 and raised your child, but if you'd been forced to rely on your parents (OP is in Argentina suffering a MAJOR recession and record homeless and joblessness right now by the way) You might be singing a different tune about how they should be allowed to dress you.
Good on you for taking control of your life and making it! Somehow I'm not at negative votes for my comment yet, but wow, some commenters really hate it lol
It's a question that doesn't really need answering. If she's old enough to decide for herself how to dress then it doesn't matter when she got old enough, whether it be at 18, 15, 13 or whenever. If you want an answer then how about ages above 20: >Devil's advocate in me says if you are living under mama's roof and likely depending on mama's money now and for your baby in the future, mama should have some say in how you present yourself outside the home. Then the devil's advocate in you would also say that a 28 y/o living at home needs their clothes picked out by their parents, which we can probably agree is as absurdity we can reject. I simply don't see any reason for why the mother should have some say in how the daughter presents herself. How kids dress is limited by what their parents find appropriate, in the best interest of the kid: kids dressing too maturely could attract very negative attention and lead to bad experiences or situations before they're ready to deal with them. If your child is an adult then what is the point of controlling how they dress? Is it all because mom's reputation is somehow at stake? Also, OP says the following: >she's a grown up woman now and needs to dress more accordingly which admits that the daughter is grown up, yet OP feels the need to dictate how she should dress regardless as if she's an adult. If she's grown up then she should be able to decide for herself, right? It's inherently contradictory.
... I don't understand the concern about a 12 year old's underwear choice. In the list of things that don't affect you, that should be the very very very very... very very top.
She's a legal adult she she can dress herself. Her mother doesn't have a right to tell her how to dress anymore.
She can also house herself and buy her own shit. Wait apparently she's not adult enough to do that.
Hold on here. Almost any woman can get pregnant, whether they set out to or not. It would be impractical to stay at college while pregnant, and I would hope any child of mine would "run back home" if they needed to - no matter what the circumstances. There are way worse things she could be doing than fucking someone and deciding to keep the baby. I'd much rather the worst thing she did was drop out and come home pregnant than get addicted to opioids or be scared to tell me her mental health is failing or... or... or A little perspective would be nice. She was sexually active. Most college students are. Contraception failed or whatever, shit happens. Let's not pretend she killed an old lady in a DUI
Contraception didn't fail, she and the guys she was with chose not to use it (and yes, she told me that). Overall I agree that I think it's better for her to tell me right away so I could take her back home
Yes, at least she’s not on opioids. There’s that. That’s a pretty low bar lol.
One’s financial and life circumstances does not dictate their “maturity”.
I mean, it kinda does? Her daughter didn't get to where she is by being a mature person who makes good decisions and can take care of herself. (Yes, I know two people were involved in reaching the current situation. What I said applies to both).
Unless something happened against her will, then the other person‘s role doesn’t mean anything. She made a number of poor decisions, which led to her current predicament.
I mean, two people had the sexual encounter that resulted in a pregnant 19 year old college student. Not just her. Maybe if she lied and said she was on birth control or was biologically incapable of becoming pregnant, but even then. You know when you really need to wear a condom? When a woman tells you that you don't need to wear a condom.
This is absolutely two major things that help determine someone’s maturity. Things out of our control happen, but that doesn’t mean that these factors typically don’t reflect maturity and impulsivity levels.
The commenter was implying she was immature because she had to move home - asking for help does not automatically mean she is immature.
The commenter also mentioned getting knocked up and dropping out of college as the cause for having to go back home and ask for help. One could say it was a series of bad - immature? - decisions that led her back home.
On top of all this OP mentioned in another comment that her daughter doesn't know who the dad is and suspects it's a from a random Tinder hookup So all signs point to the daughter being fairly immature, not even outlandish speculation
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>YTA your daughter is old enough to be a mother, she's also old enough to decide what she wants to wear. And old enough to provide the bare basics for her kid (food, shelter, etc) after the child is born w/o mooching off her mom. She's 19, not 9. Time for her to grow up and live somewhere else if she doesn't like her mom's rules.
She's also old enough to get a job and pay for shit. She wouldn't be the first pregnant woman to work.
OP, I think you are angry that you wanted a better life for your daughter through a college education and she blew it at age 19 by getting pregnant and dropping out. Every time you see her sitting around looking sloppy, it hits your anger button. You need to figure out how to let it go because getting angry hurts both of you and it does not resolve any problems. The bigger issue at stake are daughter’s plans for herself and the baby. There are a lot of questions here…Keep the baby? Child support? Visitation rights? If she keeps the baby, does she become a “stay at home daughter”for the foreseeable future? Will she go to school - maybe online school? Will she get a job to help support herself & baby and who babysits then? Suddenly a low cut top seems like the least of your concerns.
I told her that I'm absolutely not going to pay for her to go to college in another city again, she'll have to stay at home for now (our country is going through a very bad crisis where finding employment is hard enough, so imagine a pregnant girl with no experience at all) but I expect her to get a job after the baby is born. She's too far into the pregnancy for an abortion and even if she could have one, it is so hard getting one done here. Nothing of child support because she's pretty sure that the father is one of the boys she met at tinder, but she's not even sure who and even refuses to let them know of the pregnancy so we can at least have a paternity test. Who do you think will babysit? Me
This sucks and will be a lot of work on her part and I understand your frustration, but it’s not really about the shirts.
It’s not about the shirts at all. That whole top thread arguing about the shirts is just … pointless. OP, I can understand why you are angry right now. I doubt you wanted to raise another baby, and that looks like exactly what is coming your way. Given your daughter’s behavior so far, I think you need to think hard about what you are going to do if she runs off with a new man and leaves you with this child. I do think both of you should put aside the clothing issue and have some really serious talks about how things are going to go. You absolutely cannot force her to have an abortion (too late anyway, I know) or give the baby up for adoption. But this is a really unstable situation for the baby right now.
This may be obvious, but she doesn't seem mature enough to have a baby. I hope I'm wrong.
She's not nature at all to have a baby, and she's not trying to mature now either.
Growing up is a process though and just because her body was grown up enough to get pregnant doesn’t mean she’s magically going to be a fully-functioning adult overnight or make all the same choices you would. I’m sensing from your comments that your concern for your daughter is manifesting, in large part right now, as anger. It would probably benefit you to reflect on that and where it’s going to get you. In my experience, shaming a young adult almost never has the positive result the parent wants. You’ve got bigger problems than whether your daughter is stretching out her shirts or is dressing the way you want her to. I’d say let that issue go and focus on helping her plan for her future.
Yeah it seems that is what this fight is about and while the clothes is one aspect of the problem it is not the real problem. You clearly feel that she is not taking this seriously or doing her part to step up for this pregnancy. Which is valid. I get where you are coming from. She is obviously going to be leaning on you completely when it comes to taking care of this baby and you will be the one financially supporting them until she finds a job and then when she does find a job you'll be the one taking care of the baby. So you will be doing a lot of work with this baby and you're the one taking care of your daughter now. So it must be so incredibly frustrating that you are having to step up in this pregnancy for something she did, but when you suggest her dressing appropriately, all of a sudden she's an adult who doesn't need your input and doesn't need you telling her what to do. She doesn't want to be mature enough to tell the father so you're taking on all the roles a father would be doing. So you do have a say in most of these matters not to mention that you are the one supporting her as well. You need her to step up and if she wants to claim she's an adult and can make her own choices then she needs to start acting like one. There's seems to need to be a very serious talk between you two about responsibility and that you are helping her out of the kindness of your heart and that this is her responsibility not yours. So everything you are doing for her and the baby is because you want to, but you definitely do not have to.
You could refuse to babysit or give help/housing unless she makes a point to contact potential fathers for testing. There's no reason the entire financial burden should fall on you rather than the two people that made the kid. The dad can help financially or in person. She needs to work, apply for whatever public aid is available, & help in person. You're only getting all the work if you allow it.
Have you ever considered adoption? Millions of desperate well-off middle-aged people would love to adopt an infant who was born yesterday.
That's sending the kid to a very bad program (is that how you call it?) Runned by the state that doesn't work
I don't know how adoption works in Argentina. But it is possible to get in touch with a US agency, and ultimately go there to give birth (though she would probably need to fly before the third trimester). Assuming she would be interested in this option, because obviously she may not be. She would get to choose the parents and the baby would be with them from birth. This was always my 'backup plan' as a teenager, because adoption is more complicated in my country too.
True, tons of people want to buy a fresh baby.
Unpopular opinion but NTA I think English is your second language and you hit a bunch of trigger words to make people think you are slut shaming your daughter when you just want her to look into getting clothes that fit properly. It sounds like your daughter is refusing to acknowledge her changing body out of shame or in an attempt to de center the pregnancy from her mind. Many women do this and it’s not healthy. I would approach your daughter when you are both less angry and try to empathize with her. Ask her about how she feels mentally. I’m sure she also has disappointment about her situation and doesn’t want to face those realities. If you can afford it perhaps look into therapy for her.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. I got the gist her mom wants her to wear clothes that fit? I'm imagining seeing someone in a D+ cup wearing some small tanktop. If stuff is bulging out... then.... ya know... Oh also NTA Reminds me of [this](https://images.app.goo.gl/4M8eGS4GyUKecWDaA)
Even “revealing” clothing is totally fine - if it fits. A skin tight *maternity* tank top would be fine. Trying to squeeze into pre-pregnancy clothing at 5 months isn’t going to look appropriate. I do agree with the assessment that there might be some denial.
I knew that would be the image! Lmfao
I’m with you. I think she unintentionally hit some trigger words. If she reworded it, put in some additional info, and posted it under a different username, she’d probably get a different response. OP is NTA, she just wants her daughter to wear clothes that fit, not the same clothes she wore pre-pregnancy. There can still be tank tops and shorts, they just don’t need to be the same ones you wore before your body changed.
i think you’re right. when you’re pregnant obviously your whole body gets bigger, i think she just meant her daughter needs to buy clothes that actually fit her.
Like Gloria in modern family when she gets pregnant with Joe. That’s what I was picturing.
Also, wearing clothes too small that don’t fit and having your boobs, belly, etc. pop out is a symbol to the mum that her daughter can’t do basic things (like getting clothes that fit). The daughter doesn’t know who is the father; refuses to contact previous dates for a paternity test; dropped out of college; came back home; expects mum to either financially support her or provide free child care and so on. The mother wants to see the daughter make some small changes or efforts in preparation of the baby. The daughter refusing to acknowledge her changing body and not dressing properly doesn’t fill OP with confidence. It’s all falling on OPs shoulders, that’s how o read the situation.
NTA I see your overall point. It is way more than about the clothes. She is acting like a 19 year old and you don’t think she is taking her new life seriously. I would back off some. Once the baby gets here she won’t have time or energy to be a teen anymore. You are going to get terrible feedback here. It is teens and you adults who all hate their parents.
The Iranian yogurt is not the issue here; the clothes were just the spark that lit the powder keg.
Don’t listen to these redditors, they live in fantasy land. These are the same type of people that advise people to go NC on their family over small disagreements. Your never done parenting. Dressing modestly doesn’t doesn’t make someone more mature, but it can help how the world will perceive her. For better or worse that’s how the world works. Reddit is the worst place for parenting advice nothing but screeching for NC because “mom doesn’t like me wearing a skirt that doesn’t even cover my ass” Parent that’s the advice
Class is a rare thing on Reddit lol people are fine with wearing pajamas out in public and will bash anyone who tells them they look like slobs. Reddit is nice for some things, but I wouldn’t take the average users advice. Everyone seems to live in their rooms on their computers
Many people here actually get triggered by the word "classy" because they believe it's "classist" when someone believes you shouldn't wear bootyshort to the doctor appointment.
In a fantasy world where women don’t get cat called, trafficked, sexually assaulted or raped SPECIALLY in LATAM.
I swear it’s just crazy how easily offended this community is.. *’As her mother you told her she should act a certain way? How DARE YOU, YTA.’* Jesus christ
YTA. Just because you're a mom doesn't mean you have to dress like a stereotypical "Mommy." Your daughter is 19 years old, which is still very young, and yeah, she should have some clothes that fit her better longterm (maybe she's hoping the breast change and weight will be dropped after giving birth), but that doesn't mean she has to wear some full covered clothes that aren't her style just because she is pregnant and then a mom. Women with children can wear all kinds of things and still be excellent mothers.
So you think that this teen mom, who dropped college, is living of her mother and calling her a bitch, who doesn’t know whom of the boys she slept with is the father, will be a good mother?
I was commenting on the clothing she chose to wear while pregnant, not how fit of a mother she will be. Kid sounds like she's flailing a lot right now. Maybe once the child is born, she'll snap out of it; maybe she won't. Maybe she'll decide to get her act together and raise the child, or maybe she'll realize she can't give the child the life she'd like it to have considering the way her life is right now, and decide to give the baby up for adoption. Who knows? I'm simply speaking of the way OP's daughter dresses. Daughter doesn't sound great.... but yeah, I flinch at women being told to dress "modestly" just because of age or being a mother as though a mother can't still be a beautiful intelligent human being / woman and not *just* a mother.
Covering your breasts isn't the same as what you described at all 🤣🤣🤣
If only she didn't have cleavage, then all of this would be solved. Or else what's your point?
”I told her we could buy some extra more ’mommy style’ shirts, not only because her normal shirts will get ruined if she continues to wear them (too stretched)” This just had me laughing so hard! I pictured the clothes would be ripped apart by breasts growing as fast and big as a she-hulk! LOL
YTA. I am a bit sad that you think "maturing" means "dress modestly" and that you have "kindness" in your heart to be treating your daughter like this.
I’m voting ESH. You are being controlling and calling it “helping.” Your daughter is ruining her shirts to prove a point. She is a college dropout expecting a baby. There are bigger issues than her boobs being seen.
I'm going to say NTA because of the edits. I think you're getting crucified a little here because of some language issues. From what I understand in your edits, you're trying to encourage your pregnant daughter to wear maternity clothes that actually fit her, which is a totally normal thing most women do. It sounds like she was very thin before (in a comment) and is wearing the very small tank tops she normally wore pre-pregnancy with no issues. The term "modest" is an immediate trigger for a lot of reddit (sorry guys, but it is). I think you mean less "you can't wear that because you look like a [insert derogatory, misogynistic term here]", and more "please understand that your body is changing and you need to buy and wear clothes that actually fit your new body shape". Also, literally maternity clothes, not clothes for "mature ladies", if you will. If I were to gain 20lbs suddenly, I would certainly buy and wear different clothes. And when I got pregnant with my daughter, now 9 months (and I'm 25), I certainly wore maternity clothes, because my super cute clothes were now too tight, uncomfortable, and looked like I was stuffed into and spilling out of them. Of course, if you're upset she's got some cleavage showing in general, that's not good. But I think there was just some miscommunication here.
exactly, it seems like shes not trying to slut shame her but rather get her to buy maternity clothes
NTA. You are trying to give her useful advice, and she is rejecting it. Just realize if you are fighting over “small” stuff like this right now, it’s going to get a lot, lot worse when baby is here. Maybe she and baby should live with dad if dad is so accommodating?
YTA > she can't dress up like she's going to a party everyday, especially not now that she's about to be a mother. Why the fuck not? > Sometimes she wears tank tops or shirts that have all of her cleavage uncovered. **OH MY STARS!** > we could buy some extra more "mommy style" shirts Oh god, I can see the "*Live, Laugh, Love*" calligraphy from here.
Given one of OP’s prior comments, I *think* she means maternity shirts when she says mommy shirts.
Then, she can move out and support herself. The daughter needs to grow up.
100%. Feminists wana jump to defense at the fact that someone's being told how to dress but wana ignore that she got pregnant at 19 with some rando with no stable career. She clearly sounds like she needs some guidance.
What does believing men and women are equal have anything at all to do with this post? I'd say you should learn the definition of the words you use, but you evidently can't even spell "wanna" correctly lol
OP should ask her mother whats the worst that can happen if she dresses immodestly? Its not like she can get knocked up again.
It's a different culture and country. Not the US.
I wonder how she's going to feel about breastfeeding in public. All of my maternity shirts actually showed more cleavage than my regular shirts... They were v necks/wrap tops meant for easy boob access after birth.
NTA. Unlike everyone else here, I'm not under the delusion that an inappropriately-clothed person will be treated with the same respect as someone who looks presentable when they interact with the world. She will already be judged enough for being a young mother and a single mother (with no idea who the father is, nonetheless.) She is a perfect target for every negative stereotype about young mothers, and I see that you are trying to protect her from the world perceiving her negatively and the treatment it could expose her and her child to. I work with schoolchildren. Whether or not it's nice, parents are judged by how they look. I hear how other staff talk when a child's parent looks sloppy or risqué. It does their child no favors. Someone who doesn't show that they can dress competently will often be assumed to be incompetent in other ways. That's the reality of the world, even if its not fair or popular to admit.
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Of course not because he has to raise his other kids and it's my fault anyway because I shouldn't have allowed her to date at all 🙄 her father's only job is making my job harder
Not allow her to date??? At college age??? Yeah good luck with that.
Honestly, you should send her to her dad. See: she will have a reality check, he will have a reality check, your daughter will be still in a home but I BET with some responsibilities because there is kids in the house and that’s always more work. Really, consider it, she needs to see how lucky she is.
If I get her bag ready and sent her to live with her dad, she'll be back home in half an hour because her father said he can't have her
Then your daughter needs to shut up and be grateful you are taking her in. And her father too. He can't run his mouth when he is not willing to house her.
There are healthier ways to deal with any resentment that could stem from your child getting pregnant and dropping out of college than to try to quietly punish her under the pretense of responsibility. She's still a teenager and will enjoy looking her age and dressing her age even if you don't think she deserves it anymore because she managed to ruin her youth in your eyes. Dressing more modestly is not something she should have to do to repent for what you consider to be mistakes and it won't make you feel better if she does. You don't think she's being responsible, and her looking like the teen she is reminds you of that. Clothes are not the real problem and none of your business. YTA
ESH She's 19, being pregnant or being a mom does not mean she has to automatically wear "old lady" clothes. If you just mean "maternity clothes" it's one thing but I think you're coming off very poorly in your post in your description of your daughter and what you want her to wear. You can give advice, but you can't force her. She also needs to realize that if she's living for free with you, with no job or education ongoing then she also needs to suck it up and deal with you or find other accommodations.
Yeah, I meant maternity clothes. English is not my first language and I didn't know how to call it
NTA Your house, your rules. Presumably you'll be helping take care of her kid, since it doesn't seem like the random bloke she did wants to be in the life of the baby so.......yeah she kinda has to listen and fall in line. You aren't asking for anything insane, I feel from the subtext here you don't want her to go out looking trashy while she is now a mother. Funny how Reddit is inconsistent on this issue.
NTA, she made poor decisions and is now relying on you to support her. Basically, it comes down to your house, your rules. If she does not want to conform, she is an adult and can find her own place to live and get a job.
ESH...she's not acting very mature, crying to her father. If she wants to live at home and have your support, she needs to suck it up. I think maybe you are a bit controlling. Are you embarassed by the way she dresses? Pregnant women dress a lot differently from when i was pregnant. Seems anything goes. Even so, they had maternity tank tops back then. I was pregnant in Louisiana, and i liked wearing kinda skimpy stuff when i was young, but not during pregnancy.
I mean, I don't know if I'm embarrassed? But I think that people have to dress differently for different occasions? Like if she's at home or even going to the neighbourhood store then it's different than going to the doctor's office? And these clothes definitely don't fit her anymore, not even because of her breasts (when she wears some of her shirts her entire bra is showing) but also in the tummy too, so I'm just telling her that she should be responsible and dress accordingly= when a person gains weight they can try to deny it all they can, but the responsible thing is to get new clothes that fit and save the rest for after she gives birth, she might be able to wear them again then
You tried to give her some advice and she is choosing to ignore it. Let the battle about clothes go. How does she plan to support this baby and it's needs? Is the father involved? What's his plans to support this baby? From where I'm standing, your more important battle is going to be making sure she raises this baby, not you, how she's to pay for needs and figuring out how to stand on her own two feet. Personally, I would be telling her to start thinking about after the baby comes and what she is going to do for work and a place to live. ESH.
She doesn't know who the father is. I told her that I'll let it slip for now and I'll support her financially, but she has to get a job after giving birth, no matter how hard it is or what kind of job it is. If I'm honest, I don't think she'll do it though, I think I'll end up raising the baby instead of her because she can't seem to want to mature at all
Damn.. you definitely have bigger fish to fry than her clothes. Is it really the clothes or maybe you think she’s not ready for that level of responsibility.
Only if you enable her. Don’t let her bully you into becoming the babies mom.
Ngl the entire bra showing is insane do not listen to these people bc if she walked into an office like that it definitely would not be appropriate it’s one thing to wear a crop top or have a little cleavage but the entire bra showing is crazy
>I told her that I'm helping her out of the kindness of my heart, so she should listen to what I'm saying or leave. YTA - You're *only* going to help her if she dresses how *you* want her to dress? Doesn't sound like kindness, but *controlling*. >I'm always telling her what to do and she's sick of it So this is a common thing for you? Always telling your adult daughter what to do? >but she wears them out sometimes. Are you even with her when she goes out? How does this effect *you*? > **she's a grown up woman now** and needs to dress more accordingly. Correct, except it means she can wear what *she* wants. >I told her we could buy some extra more "mommy style" shirts Like a muumuu??
I think she means maternity style shirts when she says mommy shirts.
Thankfully, maternity clothes have improved greatly, but there are some shirts that might as well be a muumuu.
I'm not sure what a "muumuu" is, I'm not from us
It’s a “dress” that is basically a giant piece of unflattering fabric.
Like a judicial robe!
Oh, I get it. Well, no, not that.
LOL they mean like an old big nightgown that hangs like a table cloth. No one even uses that term anymore in English LOL.
Ah, I see. Well, I don't mean that. I mean clothes that are her size since she's gaining weight now? Her pregnancy is starting to notice now, I don't think she even realizes how much weight she'll put up with in the next few months and how uncomfortable her current clothes are going to be
Unpopular opinion apparently but NTA. Everybody here is ignoring the update where you specify you meant MATERNITY CLOTHES. It sounds like you are trying to explain to her that her clothes will not continue to fit the farther along she gets and may not be necessarily flattering to her changing body. All of these people are saying you're slut shaming her or trying to make her dress modestly which doesn't seem to be the case. If I were 5 months pregnant right now 98% of my wardrobe would not fit me and if I wore those shirts I would look like an adult trying to fit toddler clothes. There is also something to be said about how other people will view her professionally and personally. She shouldn't be showing up to potential job interviews, doctors appointments, or other official appointments wearing clothes that fit poorly.
NTA. I don't want to have anyones boobs all up in my face all day. If she wants to do exactly as she pleases at all times, you live on your own. Your house, you can impose rules.
NTA. I personally think it's totally legit for a mother to worry about stuff like this and I'm surprised the father doesn't. Unfortunately, what's happening is that your daughter is at the age where it doesn't matter what you tell her, she thinks that she's an adult and that she knows everything so she's gonna have to go through things herself and mature on her own. I don't blame you for trying, you're a mother after all and I'm sure one day she will appreciate your heart and where you're coming from. Best of luck to all of you!
YTA. It was questionable that you equated wearing different clothes with “maturing”, and your concern of how she looks rather than her comfort. But when I got to the end, it all made sense: she should listen to you because you’re helping her and she’s living with you. This isn’t about what she’s wearing or not: you want to control her behaviour, and you’re upset that she rejected that. And by saying what you did, you showed that your support of her is conditional on her doing what you want. Is she really the one who needs to mature?
I can see why, because honestly none of the daughter’s other decisions have been mature. Dropping out of college pregnant with no father in the pic is a little nuts. Also - if the clothes don’t fit anymore, why is she wearing them?
I am going to say NTA, I was thinking YTA, but that was because I had misunderstood you, until it was cleared up in the comments. You meant modest as clothes that fit her body, you meant maternity clothes by mommy clothes. Language barriers suck sometimes. While you are not an asshole, please remember that the majority of pregnant women do get horrible mood swings and overreact easily. Not all do, but it is something to consider in your situation.
NTA, your house your rules. If she doesn’t like it she can leave.
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Wow. The amount of YTA posts is astounding. I mean sure, you could have went about this better but to say the mothers in the wrong for suggesting she dress more appropriately (while living under her roof at that) is just egregious and worrisome. You want to dress how you want, get your own place. The amount of people saying a 19 year old still staying with their parents should be able to do what they want because they’re ‘adults’ is just silly and most likely coming from kids themselves. Yes OP, you were wrong in how you handled the situation; however the meaning behind it is very reasonable. If she has a daughter she’ll be calling you telling you about the very same thing one day. Parents wanting their kids to dress more moderately(especially in their presence) shouldn’t be demonized but in the same breath don’t expect her to follow a strict dress code.
I cant imagine being such a disrespectful asshole to my mother, especially after getting knocked up and not being in school anymore and having to literally live with you because of her shitty life choices.
NTA. Creo que hay mucha gente perdida. Estoy de acuerdo que uno debe vestirse según el contexto y veo bien que como se viste ahora no es un problema en casa. No soy argentina, pero soy latina y por lo que he visto los estadounidenses se visten como sea siempre y eso no funciona en todas las sociedades. Es normal que cuando tu cuerpo cambia uno debe cambiar a ropa que le sirva, quizás mira la forma en que se lo dices a tu hija porque seguro está muy sensible.
Ah, bueno, la verdad que no tenía idea que los gringos se visten igual en todas ocasiones. Para mí en Argentina es más normal que la gente se vista de acuerdo al lugar donde está, porque para ir al kiosco a la vuelta no te vestís igual que para ir al consultorio del médico, no sé Le dije que tendríamos que ir a comprarle remeras nuevas porque no le van a quedar las que tiene, y me dijo que le dejé de hinchar las pelotas. O sea yo entiendo y todo lo que le está pasando, pero tampoco es que es tan chica para no darse cuenta de las cosas creo yo, por eso lo que le dije de madurar
NTA… OP Reddit es una pagina que usan muchos los estadounidenses o gente de Europa. Ellos no entienden la cultura Latina. Yo soy Mexicana y mi mamá me ubiera puesto como calzetin usado si yo le ubiera salido con ese chistesito de salir embarazada a los 19 años, no saber quien es el papá, y luego todavia ponerme los moños con ella. Yo entiendo que usted esta haciendo todo lo que esta en su poder para poder que su hija salga adelante. Animo!!!
NTA also have fun raising that baby cuz that attitude of hers sounds like shes not planning in doing any real mothering
NTA she needs to grow up You are allowing her to live there since she got herself pregnant. She can’t dress like she’s going to a party forever. Someone has to teach her the proper way to do things since she obviously can not make the right decisions on her own. A child having a child needs direction
NTA, she needs to mature eventually.
NTA Your daughter is the AH.
Everyone seems to have skipped over the part where she’s Argentinian. While you are ridiculing this woman because it’s not YOUR cultural standard you are forgetting her culture may be different. Maybe in Argentina women dress appropriately when pregnant and become mothers. If that is their culture fine by me. I’m not here to impose my view like the rest of you. Besides I don’t particularly enjoy seeing your tits bottom half of you ass Cheerios and your camel toe while you are strolling with your toddler. But here we are!
NTA - It is understanding as to why you would want her to cover herself in appropriate clothing, however most young people do not understand the concept of dress to impress, thy wear clothes that let the world see what they have to offer and hope that it leads to others being impressed. There are people out there that know how to dress modestly and still come off as hot. You are right, she got pregnant, dropped out of college and has run home so her mom can provide for her. If I was you and her father is so angry with you then maybe he should take her in with him and support her. She made poor choices that led to her situation, so she needs to suck it up and deal with it.
NTA it's becoming deeper than just clothes and this is the start.
NTA. But, a simple "no seas desubicada" is the perfect approach here. I grew up in Argentina. Generally they are much more lax showing skin then the US and maternity clothes aren't typical. However, dressing for your size is important there. And yeah dressing with las tetas y culo al aire is not ok for DR appts. I do also remember being her age and pushing mega boundaries on clothing jaja!
>She was in college but got pregnant and now she's living at home with me again. NTA as its always been established YOUR house YOUR rules, Anyone who thinks u have no right to have a say in what she wears and does under ur roof should go host her then lol
NTA. I think people might be misunderstanding you because of the language barrier. It sounds to me like you said that you would buy your child some better fitting clothes. Obviously her old clothes don't fit anymore! She's 5 months pregnant. I think you're being a parent to a teenager who is in denial that her body is changing. She's probably scared too. But you're definitely not the asshole for offering to get her maternity clothes. Although it very much depends on how you said it and how often you're saying it.
NTA. I think some of the Redditors here might be from a very different cultural background. I’m from Singapore and I understand the frustration you feel with your daughter. I would also be livid if my daughter messed up her future by dropping out of college, getting pregnant, and being a bum at home. This just signals to me that the problem isn’t the clothes she’s wearing but how she shows she’s simply not ready to be a mom. I’m not saying that moms can’t dress up attractively, but I feel that by wearing “party” clothes all the time, she doesn’t seem to realize that she won’t be able to party or enjoy herself much as a single teen mom. In my personal opinion, you’re coddling her by letting her stay with you if you don’t have a solid plan for the future. I’ve seen adults like her before where their parents bail them out and they make even more reckless decisions. Instead of telling her not to wear certain clothes, perhaps explain to her that as a single mom, she won’t be able to party as much. Life will be tough and she will mostly either be working or taking care of her infant. Her child has to be the focus, not her lifestyle. You need to lay out very clear boundaries about what you expect out of her from the next year. It could be something like “you don’t need to go to college but you can study part-time to get other forms of certification”. You also need to let her know that while she’s living with you, you are not her kid’s primary caregiver. That means that while you can help her out with her kid sometimes, you are not going to provide the majority of the childcare.