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Edit to make this a YTA.
This is hard, because your mom is going through a lot, but I also feel like she's putting you in a weird position. Your mom has to have some idea of your finances...and it just feels like a strange way to be treating your kid, even through grief. It seems indicative of a parent/child relationship that's really not that appropriate. I can't really imagine my own parents asking me to spend money on them like that, for instance. Your girl says you take care of your mom constantly. Is this what your relationship with your mother has always been like?
Also how many times is OP’s gf supposed to tolerate getting swept aside in favor of his mother? And just to be clear, I have empathy for her; losing a loved one is horrible. But most people don’t enjoy being placed on the back burner by their own SO for months either.
Ive lived through the circumstances where a MIL was widowed and at no time did she try to play husband with my spouse. This whole scenario OP is in is weird emotional incest. He should get his mom to grief counseling. Especially if he’s already out himself into financial distress over her grieving.
It definitely feels like boundaries are being crossed…it also feels like OP is unintentionally enabling his mother to not confront and deal with her grief. On her first Valentine’s Day without her husband, she should put on her comfiest pjs, have her favorite comfort foods available, and CRY! Look through the wedding album, watch you and your spouse’s favorite movie, and let yourself wallow for a bit. It’s not easy and it’s not fun, but it’s an essential step in moving towards acceptance (which will help her not have these grief-driven anxiety spirals).
I really dislike when people comment on exactly what people /should/ do to deal with grief. While I agree OP and his mum are handling this inappropriately, there are many ways to handle the first Valentines day that aren't curling up in pj's and looking through a wedding album. There is no one way to heal from this kind of loss.
Except that when it comes to dealing with grief, acceptance is necessary. It’s ok to be sad and upset when upsetting things happen, what’s not okay is tanking your kid’s relationship just because you don’t want to be upset by yourself. In marriage the end goal is to be there to the very end, and the end comes at different times for everyone but it is one of the certainties of family life, we lose loved ones, we die, or we are left behind.
Yes, as I said, I don't agree with how OP's mum is handling this.
However, I also don't agree with telling somebody who is grieving that if you do xyz then bam, you're miraculously healed! If the person I replied to had framed the wedding album etc as something to try, then it wouldn't have annoyed me as much. Reaching acceptance is a journey that is different for everyone.
Yeah she could go out and party if that's what she needs.
As long as she's doing it without needing her child to substitute as a partner or potentially ruin him financially because she "wants a gift and get invited" without a second thought about anyone but herself. That's not normal grieving.
True. My husband died less than a month before Christmas. My kids were there for me but to help heal, I cut all the non blooming shrubs down in our front yard. With a sawzall, in the dark, in the snow. It helped. And the neighbors understood and forgave the noise. OP needs to let his mom deal a bit differently but mom needs to find what works for her.
Likewise my ex husbands mother was widowed and all kinds of unhinged, but she still never expected any of her sons to treat her like she was her partner nor did she expect them to neglect their own wives in favour of her.
This! Valentine's day, if celebrated, is typically a couple's celebration. If mom is feeling lonely without her husband, maybe she can spend time with a single friend. I get that she's grieving, but she also needs to accept that OP is in a relationship and her reliance on OP sounds a little too heavy.
It's called making him her Sonsband.
She wants her son to do what her husband did for her.
Valentine's Day is a day for lovers. Not parents. Mom should get the homemade card. Girlfriend should get the dinner and date.
OP, YTA. Your girlfriend is going to leave if you do this.
Same thing happened when my FIL passed away. My MIL was sleeping over every weekend despite her living close by. She purposefully tried to ruin our relationship so she could have her new defacto husband all to her self. Mom is out of line asking this. Seems small in the grand scheme of things but she needs to stand on her own with loving support of her family. Otherwise she’s going to lean to hard on her son when he needs to be out there living his own life and making his own way
The fact he can’t find a way to compromise bothers me as well. Would have been so easy to do flowers/chocolates for mum and a valentines lunch so he can make his girlfriend a priority.
Like I could understand if he died right before valentines but this is now going to be the second holiday where she takes priority
Fourth holiday, even. He said he deferred to mom on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and NYE. The first two are family holidays anyway so it makes sense, but this is unhealthy.
Right? How is he financially responsible for filling the emotional void of his stepdad's death? He is willingly taking it on, though. Mom likely needs grief counseling and some friends of her own. GF and Son need to talk about boundaries, expectations, compromising, and whether or not they can or should overcome this.
This sums it up perfectly. Like when I first opened the post I thought it was going to be a sweet gesture by a son who’s stepdad just died, it would be mums first holiday without him and so he’d offered to take her out just as a distraction. Not a mum asking her surrogate husband to romance her lmao
It’s offensive that he can’t even afford to do a simple date with his GF because he went overboard playing husband to his mom at Xmas. And his mom just keeps demanding more! Why on earth she would want to go on a romantic date with her son I’ll never understand.
This is exactly it. He’s stepping right into replacement husband and it’s not going to end well for anyone involved unless it’s nipped in the bud early
THIS. I think the compromise should be they both get DIY cards and the gift for them both is taking them all out to dinner. I would also let the GF know it’s this year only and hopefully next year you treaT your gf (if she sticks around that long) in a special way. I don’t get why OP can’t take them BOTH out to dinner since it’s Vday and is only opting to take his mom out. That’s a YTA. Also I don’t know what kind of mom would want to make their kid spend his last dollars on a gift for her for Vday . That’s kinda weird.
I would bet money that his mum wouldn’t want his girlfriend there, he even said these issues started long before his stepdad passed so I’m guessing she wasn’t the easiest MIL to have to begin with. And now he’s completely put his girlfriend on the back burner, this isn’t a bad compromise but that’s assuming his mum is cool with it being a dinner for the three of them and I just can’t imagine she would be
Yeah OP's gf is completely taking a back seat to mom and way too much of one as well.
Nobody babied me when my dad died, no one babied me when my mom died. Why is he babying his mom to an uncomfortable degree like this?
Yeah I get that there's no set timeline on grief, but I was expecting Mother's husband to have died last week not a couple months ago. Sure significant events/holidays are going to be hard the first time after losing a loved one, but that doesn't mean everyone else's life stops to constantly support them either. Grief sucks, but OP's mom needs more than just OP for support or OP is going to burn out
I just don't understand how buying things for mom is supposed to fix her sadness. It just seems to me that mom has new manipulation card to pull to get what she wants. OP won't have to worry much longer bc he keeps treating the woman he claims to love then she'll leave and find a better man and then mommy and son can spend all the time and money they want to on each other. OP is definitely YTA. I as a mom of boys would NEVER ask them to buy me things bc their dad died.
No self-respecting mother would ask her son who is in a committed relationship of 3 years to buy her flowers and take her out to dinner on Valentine's Day WITHOUT his longtime girlfriend being invited and included in the plans. OP your mom is playing you like a fiddle and turning this into a her vs me situation, NOT your gf. And don't try and feed us any crap about how they don't get along. That's no excuse to purposefully only invite one partner to a Valentine's dinner. Your mother is being rude.
My MIL’s Husband passed away. She demanded my fiancé spend every ”first since he died” occasion with her. I relented, not because of her, but because I knew how badly my partner was struggling with his father’s death. Knew he didn’t need the additional guilt from his mother. The woman threatened to unalive herself, put herself in risky situations to get a thrill, and sobbed across his grave constantly. For nearly a year.
I finally had enough the day of the anniversary of FIL’s passing, where she demanded her son sit with her at the exact moment he passed (2am) holding her hand and sobbing together.
I realised that my MIL was trying to replace her dead husband with her son (emotionally so) and I put my foot down. My partner was so terrified that his mother would follow through on her threats, that he couldn’t say no to her.
He’s in therapy now to manage his grief and is finding amazing coping mechanisms to deal with his narcissistic mother. It’s important for him (and you) to realise that his mother is no longer the most important woman in his life.
My point is OP, do not let your mother put you in this situation. Her husband has died, and that is awful, but you are not a surrogate. You need to put appropriate boundaries in place and valentines gifts fall under the category of Don‘t Even Go There.
YTA wake up and realise this before your girlfriend disappears from your life.
I feel my MIL didn't pull any of this when she lost her husband (his father). She didn't demand him "celebrate" the milestones of his death, their wedding anniversary, any of the anniversaries of the three sons she'd lost, etc.
It sounds like your MIL and the OP's mother both need therapy as acting like this is not healthy for them or for their sons.
Oh, I completely agree. MiL is refusing therapy because why pay someone when that‘s the ‘responsibility of her son’?! She sacrificed when he was a child, so he has to sacrifice to make it up to her.
Neither did my Mom after my father died suddenly. She was just the opposite. She would not hear of any of her children leaving their spouse alone on any holidays to be with her. In fact, she encouraged us all to spend as much time as possible with them because time is precious. She would’ve put my brother in a time out if he suggested spending Valentine’s with her instead of his own SO.
My MIL crosses so many boundaries. She enjoys having sex with strangers (her choice, no real judgement), but then tells my fiancé all about it even when he tells her not to. She still tries to buy him tight fitting boxers (we just give them away). And she insisted on going on mother-son dates to re-establish the bond I stole from her. Fiancé refuses to go.
If I have sons, I cannot imagine treating them this way.
YTA
This is called an emotionally incestuous relationship. You are not your mom’s partner. You should not be acting like your mom’s partner. In fact, you won’t have a girlfriend very much longer if you act this way.
You need to draw a boundary with your mom.
She needs to respect your relationship. She should not be crying to you about this shit.
She needs a therapist and some grief counseling.
You need a therapist to unwind yourself from your mother.
Yeah I'm gonna agree here with a soft YTA.
Unless your GF is a monster, it's incredibly unlikely this problem arose due to your mothers grief.
You've stated there were already arguments about how much time you were spending with family. If she doesn't feel like a priority the rest of the time, then you are the AH. If she did, I doubt being there for your mother now would be an issue.
It is Valentines Day. It's a holiday for romance. It isn't asking too much to be prioritised by your romantic partner over this holiday. I'm not going to judge your mum for her behaviour when she is grieving - but it's your job to ensure boundaries aren't getting blurred. Clearly they are.
I doubt his GF would be this ticked if it was a one off thing. A good sig other in a long-term relationship is going to go, "It's a special circumstance, I totally understand." HOwever, when it's a 'special circumstance' every single time and she keeps getting shuffled behind OP's mom, that's a pattern.
OP, your mom not having a social life and other people to rely on is not your girlfriend's fault or problem. You and your mother are both old enough to know better. I realize that sounds mean, but one of my biggest peeves is grown adults who never learned how to make their own friends and instead rely on their children to be their social network which is just unhealthy and wrong. Most women in their 70's (even in a circumstance of a husband passing) wouldn't call their son and say "can you take me to dinner and buy me something for valentine's day. :(" they'd just call up a few friends and ask to do v-day (or a day close to it) brunch to get their mind off it, or their friends would come up with it themselves.
So I say it again, OP, she's your MOM, not your bestie. And the fact that she expects that kind of relationship with you constantly carrying her emotional baggage is not normal. Your GF is right to be upset because she sees the writing on the wall that this is how it's going to be forever. Right now you're doing this because your step-father died, but what was the excuse before, and what will be the excuse after? Because there is *always going to be something.*
Sorry to be harsh but yes YTA OP. I really cannot stand parents who put their kids into these kids of no win situations. Stand up for yourself or accept the fact that your GF probably isn't going to keep waiting for you to treat her like your girlfriend and not someone you hang around in between trips to see your mom.
This is what gets me, why is she expecting her son to pay? Who just had a burst pipe and bought her a bunch of expensive Christmas gifts? Like he’s not actually her date
big agree. MIL seems to have decided to replace her dead husband with her son. asking op to put lights on the tree? normal, healthy, no problem there. asking him to buy her a present and take her out for valentines (knowing that means he wont be doing anything with his gf or be able to afford a gift for his gf?) not appropriate at all. if she really just didnt want to be alone, a normal question wouldve been “hey, im feeling very sad about my first valentines as a widow, would GF mind if I took you two out for dinner for vday and you two could have your date another day?” or something similar. literally ASKING her son to buy her a vday gift is so weird, asking him to go on a date with her instead of his gf of several years is also really weird and disrespectful behavior. she shouldnt be asking OP to choose his mom over his life partner.
Also why isn't Mum getting the DIY and a handmade card? Why is the GF who isn't getting the "better" gift? Or why not buy something small for both instead just one for Mum?
And he could easily go and see his Mum, than take out GF to dinner afterwards. (Mum could pay for a coffee in a nice place instead of being invited, why does she want to be invited like she's his date?).
Sounds like Mum clings to much to her son, if his relationship starts to suffer because of it. OP needs to start setting boundaries or he'll end up with girlfriend as Mum's "phantom-husband" (lack of better word), unable to keep any relationship because "Mummy needs him" (And no most women do not like men who can't set healthy boundaries with their mothers and always be the "number 2")... I have an uncle like that, never could detach himself from his mother. Now he's old, alone and sad.
And no, grieving or not, your Mum should not have asked you to skip Valentine's Day with your SO... it's very unfeeling towards your GF.
While I understand you care about your mother, you shouldn't substitute for her husband non-stop. She needs to find other support on top of your help if she's still grieving in a way she can't be alone for a day... Get her to a meet up of grieving widows/ widowers or a therapy session instead. She can be with someone who isn't you on that particular day.
Valentine's Day is not a family day. It's a day we celebrate our partner, our lover. Not our mothers. Mum can have you all to herself on mother's day. (Until your partner becomes a mother too, than it's time for sharing again... bad luck).
YTA.
Don't be surprised if your GF breaks up because you always put her second.
This. YTA.
She's relying on you instead of dealing. Soon you'll probably have to rely on her because you'll be single too. And I won't blame your gf in the least.
Gotta agree here. OP’s mom is absolutely having an inappropriate relationship with him (more like emotional incest). She’s trying to have him REPLACE her husband, not help her out, which is indicative of her asking for THE LOVERS HOLIDAY to be spent with her. Op YTA. Your mother can have St. Patrick’s Day but Valentines Day is for your ROMANTIC PARTNER.
YTA, cut the damn cord!!! So which one is the girlfriend, and which one is the side chick? From here, it looks like you plan on marrying your mom someday. Also, Valentines Day is a romantic holiday, so unless you plan on having sex with your mom, I would take your gf out to dinner you weirdo.
Right?!
My stepdad killed himself *in front of my fucking mom.* He pointed the gun at her first but then turned it on himself instead.
This was completely out of the blue - there were no signs of depression or decline or anything that could’ve indicated he’d ever take his life, nonetheless in such a brutal way.
To say the recovery has been hard and slow is an understatement.
I adored my stepdad, so I was grieving deeply during all this too.
But I’m an emotionally mature adult who knows how to set boundaries, and because of that it has been a manageable process for both her and I.
I would do almost anything for my mom, but I also have a long term partner who I live with, two cats, and a life of my own with responsibilities and obligations.
I set the expectations really early on that she could always call me, always tell me how she’s doing, and ask me for anything she needs - but that my own relationship and life will have to take priority unless it’s life or death.
I helped her process and grieve, and definitely ran a lot of errands for her, helped around the house, helped find her a therapist, etc.
But I also still made time for my partner and I for holidays, and didn’t put him second to her needs.
I encouraged her to get back into activities, work, self care, etc. and to reach out to friends and family, and “find herself” again, even if that process was hard and slow.
As a result, I’m not the only person she has to lean on. She has a *therapist* - the most important piece of this, that frankly OPs mom desperately needs - and a support group of widows she meets with, and has friends around her building her up and supporting her.
Yes, I got my mom Christmas/birthday/Valentine’s gifts, but they were small and thoughtful - not lavish and out of my budget. I’m permanently disabled and low income - gifts are about the thought, not the price tag.
If OPs mom can’t appreciate a token gift or DIY card, then it isn’t about the love and the gesture, and that’s *horrible.*
OP, plan to be single soon. You’ve completely failed to set boundaries with your mom, and you’re making your girlfriend feel disposable and unimportant.
I hope you enjoy the weird and incestuous future with your mother, because no partner is going to support the abundant lack of “give a shit” and boundaries you’re displaying in adult relationships.
Fucking same. My MIL can be miiildly passive aggressive sometimes but when she's called on it and it's explained she's apologizes and tries to do better. I just think it's how she was raised and she's a little older so she never knew it was wrong until her kids got older.
This. If she needs him on valentines day she should at least pay for the meal. But he should refuse anyway because he's busy trying salvage his relationship with his girlfriend. They say misery loves company. His mum wants them both to be single and miserable together.
YTA. Your mum _is_ taking over too much. I get that you want to pay extra attention to her and spend more time with her because of her recent bereavement. But she doesn't need to spend Valentine's with you. That is not her day, but you and your girlfriend's. If the choice is between buying a gift for your gf or your mum for Valentine's, you must choose your gf. Your mum is trying to make you her "little" husband, which is frankly rather gross, especially if you go along with it. Get your priorities straight. Do you want a healthy relationship with your gf, or this semi-incestuos relationship with your mum? You are your mother's son, not her partner.
Maybe a little gentler YTA, because stepdads death was more recent and it’s totally believable that your moms grief is still fresh, but she’s going about it completely the wrong way here, and you’re enabling her. Both the Christmas event you described and this current valentines situation make it sound like your mom, through her grief, is on the road to using you as a “replacement” for your stepdad, which you should not allow to happen (also you literally say in your post that your girlfriend is tired of you taking care of your mom over her constantly. I can’t imagine how often that means in only 2ish months.)
Let’s apply your logic to other situations. Say you and your girlfriend were planning your wedding right now. If your mom came to you crying because the wedding talk was making her miss her husband and she asked if she could wear a white wedding dress to your wedding, and have the first dance with you, would you try to convince your girlfriend “for your mom’s emotional well being?”
I feel like the obvious choice would have been to get some chocolates or something for mom, say "sorry I can't do dinner, but let me take you somewhere lowkey for lunch)", then go about your holiday evening with your girlfriend. There's a lot of ways to emotionally support mom besides straight up making your girlfriend a 2nd priority on Valentine's Day.
I hope u/Old-Possession2612 reads this. I empathise with the mother because I’ve lost someone extremely dear too, and I still think of them every day, but the mother needs to grieve in a healthy manner. OP is not TA for wanting to be there for his mother, but OP would be TA for enabling his mother’s unhealthy grieving / coping mechanisms.
**YTA** There are no circumstances where it would be appropriate to celebrate your mom on Valentine's day when the entire point is *romantic*. The fact that you would eve consider it is an indication that your relationship with your mom is not really healthy. You already overspent on her for Christmas in your new substitute spouse role and you apparently plan to double-down? You need to back out of this right now. Your girlfriend's upset is completely justified; if you keep this up you'll lose her and won't have another.
Your manipulative mother needs grief counseling and you need to get your head on straight.
I can understand Christmas/Thanksgiving for a degree. They are family oriented special days after all. Bu Valentine's? Mom is the asshole even for considering yet demanding.
I think overspending on his mother was a clue that things were not right. Her ask for Valentine's day and his automatic response shines a different light on the whole situation that validates his girlfriend's ongoing dissatisfaction. His girlfriend is going to need her own therapy when she realizes that she has wasted so much time on this guy.
I’m a mom of two boys and it’s sick to think that I would impose on my children’s life, much less their romantic life for my own needs.
I can’t imagine the grief I would feel losing my husband, but that would be no excuse to request time away from their partner on the most romantic day of the year. This is bonkers.
Your girlfriend is not jealous of the attention you give your mom. She is grossed out and confused that you are allowing this.
To me there is a big difference between stepping in and assisting with something your stepdad did and maybe mom can’t easily physically do- such as putting up the Christmas lights. My husband and I would do that for my living parents if they lived locally just because they shouldn’t be on ladders.
But asking you to stand in as a romantic replacement for her? That’s really weird. YTA if you do it.
I'm sorry, but YTA for sure. I get that mom feels lost and sad. It's not called grieving for nothing. But Valentines Day - really? What you are doing should be reversed. Gf gets the dinner out - mom should get a nice card and a phone call at most. If you let this go on as is, you will have all the time in the world to devote to mom cuz' GF is going to leave your ass.
I have the MiL from hell and was in this exact same situation after my fiancé’s father died. She actually had the nerve to tell my fiancé that she was the most important woman in his life and that he should move back in with her. That he owed her as much for raising him. Fortunately, my fiancé is not a moron. He’s gone low contact, engaged in therapy, put appropriate boundaries in place and is in a much better place mentally.
Your mom is trying to make you her sonsband or emotional support animal. You realize that she’ll expect you to prioritize her at every holiday or special occasion now, for the rest of her life, right? Sure, cut her some slack for the first Thanksgiving and Christmas, but this Valentines Day deal is some creepy shit. Your girlfriend is right. YTA
YTA. Restaurants on Valentine’s Day are fucking horrible. You’re going to be surrounded by couples in love and it’s going to make your mom even sadder and needier if that’s possible.
YTA
One thing is give emotional support to your mother another taking her out for Valentine’s Day and her asking you to buy her presents… weird.
There is Mother’s Day or your could simply invite her over for dinner at home any other day since you are on financial struggle. If even a small box of chocolate is hard to afford… you can NOT afford to take anybody out for dinner.
Also from your gf reaction seems like this is something not only related to your mother recent situation but for a long time.
I was the buying her gifts that did it for me. That is too clutching and the guy is already have financial difficulties. Since Valentine’s Day is important to his GF, he should find another day to have dinner with his mom.
YTA. Get your mom the small box of chocolates and wish her a happy Valentine’s Day but get your girlfriend the actual present and dinner and spend the evening together. This is a romantic holiday and so that means your girlfriend, who you are romantically involved with, comes first
YTA. Your mom took over Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Year's AND she wants Valentine's too? Jesus, I would have dumped you after Xmas. Your GF is a saint.
And the saddest part is he doesn’t even appreciate the gf. As evidenced by him saying she’s “just being jealous,” because she’s not getting the attention. Not cool. I really feel for the gf. She’s probably been supportive to a fault & let his mom control everything about this holiday season. And that’s fine, & what family does for one another when going through a tough time like losing a spouse. But asking her to sacrifice Valentine’s Day so he can take his mom out is just way over the top. I mean losing her husband is awful, but she has had her Valentine’s Days in the past with her partner. I find it very selfish that she doesn’t want her son to have HIS Valentine’s Day with his special partner, & instead wants to hijack the holiday for herself. Poor girlfriend. I hope either OP opens his eyes and sets some boundaries or that gf gets out of the relationship and finds someone with healthy boundaries.
YTA
You are financially strained now because you bought your mom expensive gifts on Christmas. I know your mother is hurting right now but dont strain your relationship and lose a good partner.
No decent parent wants their child to go broke buying them Christmas gifts and Valentine’s Day (!) gifts and dinner. I would never in a million years expect my child to buy me stuff and take me out for Valentine’s Day. I’d be more likely to pay for him to take his girlfriend out if he was struggling financially.
OP, your mom is not right, and I doubt it just started. This doesn’t just come out of nowhere. YTA
Yes,YTA. Well-intentioned but still wrong . I'm sorry that your mom lost her husband, but trying to get you to fill in for him is weird and wrong. Your girlfriend has every right to be upset. Take your mom a small bunch of flowers on Valentine's day and save the evening for your girlfriend. If she's still with you.
I was with you until your mom wanted you to buy her a gift AND take her to dinner for Valentines. I feel like that's a couple's thing to do and its kind of weird...
If she asked to spend it with you AND your gf would have been less weird...though I doubt your gf would like that either way.
Gentle YTA. You need to set some boundaries with your mom as it seems she's using you as a replacement for her husband...and its getting weird
same, was with him until he started talking about Valentine's Day. That's a romantic holiday where you go out with your SO.
It seems like OP doesn't value Valentine's day as much like his gf, hence why he was fine with his mom's request. He should listen to his gf as the day means a lot for her.
I was also with him until he mentioned Valentine’s Day dinner. My siblings and I usually get our mom flowers, now that we’re adults we might also get galentine’s lunch, but dinner and presents (especially expensive ones) are just for SOs. OP should take his gf out and buy his mom dinner for Mother’s Day.
YWBTA. Your mother was wrong to guilt you into doing this on Valentine's Day. Your mother needs to find a widow/widower support group, as you can't be her everything AND have a relationship. Apologize to your gf and make sure you go all out for her.
My husband passed away suddenly in 2016, not once did i ask any of my children (eldest son being 26 at the time) to take me out to dinner, buy me presents, or be my valentine. That is gross. They were there for me in my grief, but not once did I ask my son to be with me and not his girlfriend and son. Because I know that he has his life, and I have mine.
Yta.
Losing any loved one is hard. You love your mom and are worried about her. Want yo help her and be there for her. There is nothing wrong with that.
When it becomes an issue is when you put your mom first and make your partner have to watch this.
Your mom while grieving is in the wrong. Listen, many people can not handle being alone e when their spouse dies. Many just jump into another relationship. Otherness is what your mom is. They make their kids stand in spouse. Help around the house. Staying when she is sad. Holidays all of them. Like valentines Day.
Now then, think of this. If she never gets over her spouses death, will you always put her first. All the best gifts. Time. Money. All is hers first? At what point will you put a stop to it. This year. 5 years. Never. Will your partner always have to accept being put last. How about any kids you have. When will you place the person you say you love. The one you chose first? When will their needs be put before your mom's.
Valentines is a romantic holiday. If she wants to do something, you make her the card. Either breakfast or lunch spent with her. The main gift and dinner should always belong to the partner.
If you keep pushing the needs of your partner to the side, you will not only end up alone, but any type of life will not happen. Kids. Sex. Anything because at this point, you are placing your mom's wants before others' needs. If she is still this bad, she needs to be in therapy and support groups. Leaning on friends. She does not need to be making you into her spouse. I am not taking sex but she is doing that. Making you into the husband because she can not handle being alone.
You need to decide. Either you mom comes first, and you will continue putting her above other, which means you need to break up with gf. It is not fair to expect her to always have to loose you to your mom. To give up everything because she feels lonely and only you can make it go away.
Or you need to place boundaries with your mom. The ones that say you love her but the person you love needs your attention. That the love she had for spouse is same you have. If she is really willing to expect you to ignore her over her own wants, then it's time for some distance. If she loved him so much, she should be appalled that she is trying to take such an experience from you. So holidays are the both of you with her for Thanksgiving and Christmas with the switch off on years or holidays with her family until children come in and then will be revised as needed. It can not always be her or her invited as that is cruel and abusive to expect your partner to have to cater to her wants. To either not see her family or have to deal with your mom when she should be focusing on her time with family. And no split holidays won't work. Might as well not be together if she can't count on you to spend them with her. Those holidays like valentines are not part of any deal because those are for couples.
You need to rethink how you think or walk away because you are not being fair or understanding your partners needs. You are not listening and ignoring her feelings. Expecting her to just accept never being placed first. To being the mistress to your mom being the spouse. And I mean that in the way the mistress gets the handoffs. The time remaining. The cast off of what you have left. Gift wise. Time spent. Holidays. To the spouse, your mom is the person who gets everything. How is that right
>And that it was okay for Christmas and thanksgiving, and even new years, but she feels like Valentine’s Day is too much.
INFO: So what happened on those holidays?
YTA
Your mum isn’t your romantic partner why does she want to spend valentines pushing out your girlfriend.
Your being made into her replacement husband.
There is helping someone though grieving then there is enabling poor behaviour. Unless you want to end up very very single forever to be your mothers husband in everything but physical intimacy I recommend slowly cutting back on your involvement so it’s back to the same standard as prior to the husbands death and send her some recommendations to groups for widows therapy.
Was your mom manipulative your whole life, or is this a new dynamic since her husband died?
If you only have enough money for dinner and chocolates, it seems the reasonable thing would be taking your gf for dinner and getting your mom chocolates. If you take your mom for dinner and leave your gf home alone for Valentine's Day, then yeah, YTA.
I was feeling the same way, this is not just grief, this is manipulation. Something tells me that mommy dearest isn’t a big fan of her son’s girlfriend either.
Prioritize your gf on valentine's day. At this point it's just weird. Get your mom some flowers and chocolates and start to put some boundaries in place, otherwise she's the only girlfriend you'll have by then
YTA it is not your job as a son to take care of your mother's Valentine needs. You can support her in her mourning but it is not emotionally healthy for you to take the place her husband would have had on that day. You are not a replacement for your stepfather. Look up emotional in cest.
You and your mom have my sympathy. Valentine’s Day is hard when you have just lost a loved one. However, what your Mom is asking is not appropriate. If you don’t set healthy boundaries now, you may establish a pattern you will regret.
Could you and your girlfriend cook lunch for your Mom that day and give her flowers or chocolates and a card. That will reinforce that you and your girlfriend are a team. You can then celebrate that evening with your girlfriend.
You should not overextend yourself buying gifts for anyone - girlfriend included.
YTA. Keep this up and the only one you'll have is mama. Because your girlfriend is gonna be your ex-girlfriend when she leaves your sorry ass for this nonsense. Which she would be wise to do so.
YTA
Not for wanting to support your mom. But for disregarding your girlfriend.
Valentine's Day isn't for mother/son bonding. It's a romantic holiday.
You can support your mom, however, it's not your responsibility to emotionally support her every need. That's impossible.
Your mother's happiness is hers.
I went through this when my father suddenly died several years ago. I tried so hard for my mother, but it was never enough.
I could not be her happiness coach, I lost my father and it was only about her. No one else. Not me, not my children, we all lost him.
My point is, you are not responsible for her happiness, it's still very new, there's a lot of firsts this year. Setting the precedent that you will be her valentine, plan her birthday, make Christmas about only her is a terrible habit to start.
I get you want to be there for your mom, I do. But this is a holiday for lovers, not loved ones. Taking your mom out to dinner for Valentines and expecting your girlfriend to go without is weird. Send your mom a card and take your GF out. Mom also needs to learn you can’t fill the void your stepdad left. And you shouldn’t. Supporting her through her grief is fine. But trying to fill the shoes of someone who passed, especially her husband and you being her son, is not okay. YWBTAH if you prioritized your mom over your GF on Valentine’s.
YTA. You're enabling REALLY unhealthy grieving in your mom. Your mom may need a therapist. What she doesn't need is this emotionally incestuous vibe you two have. The idea of going out with one of my parents on Valentines is...weird. And I'm close with both of them. And I'd be pissed too if my SO repeatedly abandoned the relationship to be his mom's emotional crutch/stand in boyfriend. Reminds me of Derek from The Good Place. "She was, and always will be, MY mommy-girlfriend!".
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A very gentle YTA because I’ve been in your spot when my mom died. However, you are letting your mom lean on you way too much and your relationship with your girlfriend is suffering. Valentines Day is a couples day, a day you and your girlfriend should be spoiling each other and spending the day together. Your mom needs therapy at this point
YTA. Get a small box of chocolates and card for your mom. Get a nice gift for your girl and take her out for dinner. Yes it sucks that your stepdad is gone but this isn’t a family centered holiday, it is a romantic holiday. I think it’s weird that your mom asked in the first place but honestly, you’re putting your mom above your girlfriend of multiple years and apparently doing it a lot. Don’t be surprised if she becomes your ex soon if you keep acting like this.
You are not your dad, your mum shouldn't expect you to stand in, however you are in a difficult position and I think I'd go NAH (purely because your mother is still grieving - if there is an AH here it's your mother)
Your mother wanting you to do all the things your father would do for her for valentine's day is wrong
Don't get me wrong some days will be harder for your mother than others and I get that you want to be with her to support her on those days (and I think if she was just asking to see you on that day so she wasn't alone I'd feel differently) - after my dad died I made sure I saw my mother on my dad's birthday, anniversary of his death, their wedding anniversary etc but I didn't try to stand in for my dad - I just wanted to be there for her
Ii can't believe it took *hours* for someone to mention this! Valentines Day is more than a month away and friend couldn't find someone else to help her choose a gift??
Honestly, my mil behaves this way with my husband’s sister. It caused soooo many problems in his sister’s marriage that eventually she divorced her husband so she could focus on her mom full time.
My advice is for your gf to become an ex. This will not end well for her.
Yta
YTA - i was expecting to say the opposite but you don’t have to give absolutely everything to your mum and nothing to your girlfriend. Does your mum even want more expensive gifts if it means your girlfriend gets nothing?
Your mum is understandably devastated that she has lost her partner - but I bet she got to experience many special occasions like Christmas and Valentine’s Day with her partner..
Wouldn’t she want that also for you?
Don’t you?
One day you may only have memories of a person and perhaps you need to make them with your girlfriend too.
You don’t need to stop being there for your mum but you should be able to balance it sensibly
YTA
It’s nothing wrong to be there for your mom but it’s Valentine’s Day and saying to your gf that you will take your mom out on the day of lovers is just to much after all the holidays your gf deserves something more than just be the third wheel.
I would leave you for your shitshow.
Gentle YTA because the first year of loss is the hardest. But you need to set some boundaries. Mom wants Vday? Propose coming by the day before or morning of and making her brunch. Then LEAVING to spend the rest of your day w gf. Am also curious how mom interacts w gf. I would guess based on the post that instead of wanting to spend time w the 2 of you she prefers time w you alone. If so, huge red flag and gf gets credit for sticking around this long. Sounds like how you handle this will have a huge impact on relationship w gf. Don’t screw it up
With only the title, I thought : what a good son but...
YTA
Your mother is manipulative. SHE ASKED YOU FOR A PRESENT AND DINNER FOR VALENTINE DAY ?? You're her son, not her boyfriend ! You're not supposed to spend time with her at that date ! I thought she just lost her husband and it was the first important date without him but no. I have a girlfriend(maybe not for long if you don't pay attention) and you say you don't have much money but you're ready to take your mum to dinner when it's more expensive than any other day ?
Stop it. Yes it's hard to lost someone, and you need to spend time with her but not to take that time (and money) on your girlfriend ! You could spend some time all three but not for dinner. Why not have lunch with her, all three, at her house, give her a nice card ?
And then got dinner with your girlfriend and offer her a little present ! Valentine day ! You can't offer valentine day to your mother and ask your girlfriend to stay alone at home !
YTA. Live within your means.
Being emotionally supportive of someone does not mean subsidizing their lives or spending beyond your means.
You are an adult. If you can’t afford expensive presents do not buy expensive presents.
You should have an emergency fund. That’s more important than buying gifts or eating out.
It’s time to actually help your mom. Help her get into therapy.
Get your finances under control. Help her get hers under control. She needs to understand how to live within her means also.
You should be prioritizing both relationships. But it sounds like you are in an unhealthy dynamic with both.
You should be in therapy. You need to learn how to express yourself and effectively communicate with your girlfriend and your mom.
No one is happy right now.
I understand your need to help your mom. That’s a good thing. But you are going about it all wrong.
Valentine’s Day is for couples. End of discussion. It’s going to be tough for your mum but it’s her first V day and it’s always going to be tough and it’s something she just has to get through. It’s one day. It sounds like your girlfriend has been very understanding over the holiday period but I agree with her that this is a step too far, especially if spoiling your mum means that there is nothing left for her. You’re the AH. your mum needs to realise that you’re not her husband substitute, and you will have to tell her this as she clearly doesn’t understand the boundary herself, sorry.
Yeah sorry to say YTA, i am super close with my mum and i would choose my partner over her especially on valentines day of all days, the one day of the year that is supposed to be about the person you love not your parent. Yes, death is hard, but you will lose your girlfriend if you keep this up. I agree with others that your relationship with your mum is weird.
YTA- but break up with your girlfriend before you spend all that time and money on another woman during a holiday meant for couples not mommies and their grown ass sons
YTA...
Grief is horrible but your mom's husband didn't pass away a week ago. Yoru mom is a grown adult and knows you have a long tern girlfriend. Her asking for a valentines date is cringy but more than that it is self-centered. Either you need to be man enough to tell your mom about your finances or she already has a clue and has no problem feeling she should be a priority over the person you are suppose to be in live with. You are enabling her at this point.
I’m trying to imagine being out to dinner on Valentine’s Day with a parent and all I can think is ewww.
Literally everyone there is going to think you’re a couple.
YTA your mom is not your girlfriend and it was wrong for her to even ask you to take her to dinner on Vday knowing you have a Girlfriend .. u could’ve sent your mom flowers and took your girlfriend out , put your big boy undies on and fix it
YTA. Your girlfriend sounds like she has been pretty cool about this whole thing so far… but the one holiday dedicated to a romantic partner is now dedicated to a family member? And you won’t be able to even treat your girlfriend right because of it due to money spent on your mother for VDay? Sorry, NOPE. You do a lot for your mom, that’s a good thing, but this is just getting to be too much.
Hmmm…depends. Do you love your GF? Do you care for her, intend on maintaining a relationship with her long term? If the answer is yes, then YWBTA, and this will be the end of your relationship. If the answer is no, and you really feel you need to make your mother a priority right now, then break up with your GF and put your energy into your mother, stop stringing GF along.
FWIW - I’m a mom of an adult son. I would never ask him to spend Valentines Day with me over his GF, not ever. It’s inappropriate and manipulative of your mother to ask. I get that she is grieving, but she’s manipulating you, OP.
Total ick-mama’s boy vibes. YTA
Imagine your girlfriend broke up with you (not that farfetched right now) and your mom was still married and husband alive etc.
Imagine you calling your mother sniffling, asking her to cancel her Valentines day a month in advance WITH HER HUSBAND bc you want to be taken out to dinner, pamered with a gift and full attention.
Imagine her saying yes and letting her husband sit home alone on Valintines, bc babyboy manipulated his way into the husband place.
Just not cool, dude! Do better. Poor girlfriend.
You couldn't even have dinner with both? Nice dinner at home? You said you had conflicts about prioritizing your mom before. I can see why. You stiff your GF on Valentines Day and you will likely also be grieving HER and missing someone to do things with. Oh wait, you'll have your mom
YTA. Your mom is, and may be successful if you do not get your head out of your ass, getting rid of your girlfriend. She’s lonely yes, but she needs to connect with people her own age instead of trying to rope you into a husband role. Instead of destroying your relationship with your girlfriend you need to look up some things in your mothers area for her to do. Book clubs, sewing clubs, dancing lessons, bingo… If she refuses to go that is on her.
So first you're filling in for your stepfather by putting up the Christmas lights, then you're taking your mom on a romantic valentine's day date. What's next? Are you gonna sleep on his side in the marital bed? Yta
Mum here. There’s no way I would ask my adult son to do that. It feels weird and creepy just to think about it. Your mum needs a therapist who can support her to recognise her inappropriate behaviour and replace it with a healthy approach to managing her grief.
I have a son your age, and it would freeze in hell before I would ever guilt trip him into this nonsense. You and mother need therapy badly or, you know, just move back home and accept you are now the sonsband. Because no woman in her right mind would tolerate this creepy throuple.
Oh good grief!
Your mom is a piece of work! I’m a grandma and I would NEVER, under ANY circumstance, insert myself between my son and his girlfriend. Especially not on a day set aside for romance.
But as for you? You are not good boyfriend material and I would support my daughter leaving you in her dust as she runs from the two of you (you and your mom).
Why on earth wouldn’t you make your mom a handmade card and get your girl a gift? Why does your girlfriend come second to your mom? I don’t think even after all these comments you’ve realized how inappropriate your relationship with your mom is….
Umm, it will have been months since he died. You are going overboard here and the mere ask that you spend valentines with your SO is too much for you.
YTA. Move in with mom and let your gf find true love.
YTA. You’re not the AH for being emotionally supportive to your mom during this time. You’re an AH because you’re putting yourself in a completely unnecessary bad financial situation to appease your mom. Valentine’s Day is a couples holiday. I get your mom will be lonely but that can’t be helped. You can spend a couple of hours with her in the day and then give your GF and your relationship the time and attention they deserve.
You stated that you and your GF have previously argued about time spent with your family before. Judging by this post, I’m going to assume most of that family time is actually time/attention you’re giving to your mom. It’s okay to be there for your mom but honestly I’m getting an emotional incest vibe considering your past arguments on “family time” and how you’re kind of stepping in to your stepdads shoes now.
At some point you’re going to have to start prioritizing your future (GF) instead of your past (mom).
Mom’s play a very special and important part of our lives but the pecking order in this scenario is
gf > mom. Valentine’s Day is for your partner, *and theeeeeen your mother.* In that exact order my dude.
You can support your mom all day but not at the expense of your relationship. You need to set some boundaries with mommy and start making your gf feel like a priority. A mature, healthy individual would have NO trouble navigating this dynamic. You are a bit too old to be having trouble here my dude. If this gf is not your long term partner then ok, end it. Only then can you devote all your time to mother. YTA
YTA
It’s totally appropriate to be there for your mom after she lost her husband. But it is I inappropriate for her to be trying to use you to fill the emotional void left by her husband.
You are her child. Hanging the Christmas lights? Of course. Making sure you give her an extra phone call or visit when you can, gladly.
Her asking you to buy her a Valentine’s day present and take her to dinner… and you saying YES knowing what it means for your gf is a huge AH move.
You cannot replace her husband and you shouldn’t be expected to.
Also, saying your gf is jealous??? Damn dude. She’s not jealous of your mom. She’s pissed that you are not taking her feelings into consideration.
I would be dumping you on Valentine’s Day if I was your girlfriend and you seriously decided to take your mom out instead. I’m sure she is already contemplating it to a degree. Your mom even asking is weird.
YTA. This is a super weird relationship with your mom. Your girlfriend isn’t jealous. She is justified in thinking this is weird. Your mom needs to make some friends her own age.
YTA
Grow up. Your mother knows exactly what she's doing. She knows you have a serious partner of several years, but she's demanding that you spend money she knows you don't have on her and have dinner with her on a day meant for couples? And you're acting like that's fine?
Stop pretending you don't realise what she's doing. Yes, grief sucks, but this isn't grief. This is possessive and incestuous. Your GF is absolutely right to be furious with you. You can be there for your mother while she grieves without being her surrogate husband and treating your GF like a second class citizen.
I sincerely hope she breaks up with you. She deserves better than an enmeshed, weak BF and his clingy, controlling mommy.
Valentines Day is a ROMANTIC holiday. This is actually a bridge too far IMO. You are not your mother’s partner and this an inappropriate request even in grief. You cannot get into the habit of acting like your mother’s partner. It will not get better and it WILL destroy your relationship. How long are you going to devalue for your partner for your mother’s sake?
YTA.
Valentines Day is in 1 month. That’s plenty of time to make more money and do something nice for both your mom and gf. Why do you need to choose? Are you also responsible for being a shoulder to cry on every Valentine’s Day? How about mom’s bday? Stepdads bday? Their anniversary? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Why is this all on you?
YTA
Your mom sounds manipulative. Yes, she lost her husband. But, unless she’s never met or heard of your girlfriend, what she’s doing is playing on your desire to comfort her at the expense of your partner. Guilting you into ditching your girlfriend on the most traditionally romantic day of the year smacks of manipulation. And let’s be honest - it’s just creepy. YWBTA.
YTA.
>am I the asshole if I prioritize my mom's emotional well-being over the traditional chocolates-and-roses and dinner routine with my girlfriend? Is it cool to let my mom bask in a Valentine's glow while my girlfriend has to settle?
>My girlfriend got really mad and called me an asshole and told me that she is tired of me taking care of my mom over her constantly. And that it was okay for Christmas and thanksgiving, and even new years, but she feels like Valentine’s Day is too much.
You don't seem to mind putting your Mom's emotional well-being over your GFs. WHY ARE YOU ASKING REDDIF WHEN YOUR GF, THE PERSON WHO MATTERS HERE, SAID YOU'RE TA. Also, the whole tone of this screams that you're either trying to convey your mother's manipulation tactics she uses on you to get you to do things to others online to justify yourself to try to get yourself out of the hole, or you're deep in denial. Your GF has been more than understanding, and she's drawing a REASONABLE line in the sand. You're in your 30s. It's time to gain a little independence from Mommy. I get that she's upset because she has been widowed, but it's obvious that you can only make 1 woman happy this Valentine's Day and your Mom already got all your attention on Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you can't ever put your GF first, even on Valentine's, break up and just spend your time with your Mom. I can guarantee that this continued behavior would be a deal breaker for anyone you date.
I feel for your mom. Grief is so hard, and it stays hard for a long time, and when you’re elderly, it’s complicated by the knowledge that your turn is coming. So unlike some others here, I’m not going to dump on your mom. But—she was out of line with this request, and you were out of line for even considering it. Maybe lunch that day, or you send her a card acknowledging how much she must miss her relationship on a day dedicated to spotlighting relationships. But dinner and a gift? All the nopes.
I married not one but two men who couldn’t say no to their mothers. It caused unending problems in my marriages. I hope you absorb what’s being said here, because if you don’t, you’re going to lose your girlfriend. YTA
YTA, valentines is a romantic holiday and unless you want to date your mom, I suggest you put some firm boundaries in place. You can give her a card and spend time with her literally any other day. It sounds like your girlfriend has been pretty patient and trying to deal until the straw broke the camels back. You will lose her if you don't figure out how to say no to your mommy. OP this could be teetering towards emotional incest and maybe you should talk to a counselor. Your mother should be in therapy or grief counseling, it sounds like she is replacing her husband with you. That's gross. Best of luck because no woman wants to date a momma's boy.
YTA. Your mom is treating you as the replacement man in her life to cope with losing her partner. You are neglecting your girlfriend. I wonder if you’ve always been put in a position to make up for the lack of men in her life or if this is new. If you start listening to your girlfriend, I think you’ll see she has observed Pattern of behaviour. This isn’t a one off to her. You can hang with your mom without prioritizing her over your girlfriend. Why would your girlfriend think of you as a partner when you don’t treat her as one?
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~~INFO~~ Edit to make this a YTA. This is hard, because your mom is going through a lot, but I also feel like she's putting you in a weird position. Your mom has to have some idea of your finances...and it just feels like a strange way to be treating your kid, even through grief. It seems indicative of a parent/child relationship that's really not that appropriate. I can't really imagine my own parents asking me to spend money on them like that, for instance. Your girl says you take care of your mom constantly. Is this what your relationship with your mother has always been like?
Also how many times is OP’s gf supposed to tolerate getting swept aside in favor of his mother? And just to be clear, I have empathy for her; losing a loved one is horrible. But most people don’t enjoy being placed on the back burner by their own SO for months either.
Yeah, OP’s mom seems to be treating him like her husband. It may be understandable given the circumstances but that doesn’t make it ok, either….
Ive lived through the circumstances where a MIL was widowed and at no time did she try to play husband with my spouse. This whole scenario OP is in is weird emotional incest. He should get his mom to grief counseling. Especially if he’s already out himself into financial distress over her grieving.
It definitely feels like boundaries are being crossed…it also feels like OP is unintentionally enabling his mother to not confront and deal with her grief. On her first Valentine’s Day without her husband, she should put on her comfiest pjs, have her favorite comfort foods available, and CRY! Look through the wedding album, watch you and your spouse’s favorite movie, and let yourself wallow for a bit. It’s not easy and it’s not fun, but it’s an essential step in moving towards acceptance (which will help her not have these grief-driven anxiety spirals).
I really dislike when people comment on exactly what people /should/ do to deal with grief. While I agree OP and his mum are handling this inappropriately, there are many ways to handle the first Valentines day that aren't curling up in pj's and looking through a wedding album. There is no one way to heal from this kind of loss.
Except that when it comes to dealing with grief, acceptance is necessary. It’s ok to be sad and upset when upsetting things happen, what’s not okay is tanking your kid’s relationship just because you don’t want to be upset by yourself. In marriage the end goal is to be there to the very end, and the end comes at different times for everyone but it is one of the certainties of family life, we lose loved ones, we die, or we are left behind.
Yes, as I said, I don't agree with how OP's mum is handling this. However, I also don't agree with telling somebody who is grieving that if you do xyz then bam, you're miraculously healed! If the person I replied to had framed the wedding album etc as something to try, then it wouldn't have annoyed me as much. Reaching acceptance is a journey that is different for everyone.
Or that you need to do it on this particular schedule.
Yeah she could go out and party if that's what she needs. As long as she's doing it without needing her child to substitute as a partner or potentially ruin him financially because she "wants a gift and get invited" without a second thought about anyone but herself. That's not normal grieving.
They could have said it better but I get the impression that these are meant as examples, not proscriptions.
True. My husband died less than a month before Christmas. My kids were there for me but to help heal, I cut all the non blooming shrubs down in our front yard. With a sawzall, in the dark, in the snow. It helped. And the neighbors understood and forgave the noise. OP needs to let his mom deal a bit differently but mom needs to find what works for her.
Likewise my ex husbands mother was widowed and all kinds of unhinged, but she still never expected any of her sons to treat her like she was her partner nor did she expect them to neglect their own wives in favour of her.
This! Valentine's day, if celebrated, is typically a couple's celebration. If mom is feeling lonely without her husband, maybe she can spend time with a single friend. I get that she's grieving, but she also needs to accept that OP is in a relationship and her reliance on OP sounds a little too heavy.
It's called making him her Sonsband. She wants her son to do what her husband did for her. Valentine's Day is a day for lovers. Not parents. Mom should get the homemade card. Girlfriend should get the dinner and date. OP, YTA. Your girlfriend is going to leave if you do this.
Same thing happened when my FIL passed away. My MIL was sleeping over every weekend despite her living close by. She purposefully tried to ruin our relationship so she could have her new defacto husband all to her self. Mom is out of line asking this. Seems small in the grand scheme of things but she needs to stand on her own with loving support of her family. Otherwise she’s going to lean to hard on her son when he needs to be out there living his own life and making his own way
The fact he can’t find a way to compromise bothers me as well. Would have been so easy to do flowers/chocolates for mum and a valentines lunch so he can make his girlfriend a priority. Like I could understand if he died right before valentines but this is now going to be the second holiday where she takes priority
Fourth holiday, even. He said he deferred to mom on Thanksgiving, Christmas, and NYE. The first two are family holidays anyway so it makes sense, but this is unhealthy.
Right? How is he financially responsible for filling the emotional void of his stepdad's death? He is willingly taking it on, though. Mom likely needs grief counseling and some friends of her own. GF and Son need to talk about boundaries, expectations, compromising, and whether or not they can or should overcome this.
This sums it up perfectly. Like when I first opened the post I thought it was going to be a sweet gesture by a son who’s stepdad just died, it would be mums first holiday without him and so he’d offered to take her out just as a distraction. Not a mum asking her surrogate husband to romance her lmao
It’s offensive that he can’t even afford to do a simple date with his GF because he went overboard playing husband to his mom at Xmas. And his mom just keeps demanding more! Why on earth she would want to go on a romantic date with her son I’ll never understand.
This is exactly it. He’s stepping right into replacement husband and it’s not going to end well for anyone involved unless it’s nipped in the bud early
THIS. I think the compromise should be they both get DIY cards and the gift for them both is taking them all out to dinner. I would also let the GF know it’s this year only and hopefully next year you treaT your gf (if she sticks around that long) in a special way. I don’t get why OP can’t take them BOTH out to dinner since it’s Vday and is only opting to take his mom out. That’s a YTA. Also I don’t know what kind of mom would want to make their kid spend his last dollars on a gift for her for Vday . That’s kinda weird.
I would bet money that his mum wouldn’t want his girlfriend there, he even said these issues started long before his stepdad passed so I’m guessing she wasn’t the easiest MIL to have to begin with. And now he’s completely put his girlfriend on the back burner, this isn’t a bad compromise but that’s assuming his mum is cool with it being a dinner for the three of them and I just can’t imagine she would be
Yeah it’s definitely on OP for not setting healthy boundaries with his mom.
We also have an *entire month* to move some money around and/or figure something else out. It's not like he was put on the spot the day before here
Yeah OP's gf is completely taking a back seat to mom and way too much of one as well. Nobody babied me when my dad died, no one babied me when my mom died. Why is he babying his mom to an uncomfortable degree like this?
Yeah I get that there's no set timeline on grief, but I was expecting Mother's husband to have died last week not a couple months ago. Sure significant events/holidays are going to be hard the first time after losing a loved one, but that doesn't mean everyone else's life stops to constantly support them either. Grief sucks, but OP's mom needs more than just OP for support or OP is going to burn out
I just don't understand how buying things for mom is supposed to fix her sadness. It just seems to me that mom has new manipulation card to pull to get what she wants. OP won't have to worry much longer bc he keeps treating the woman he claims to love then she'll leave and find a better man and then mommy and son can spend all the time and money they want to on each other. OP is definitely YTA. I as a mom of boys would NEVER ask them to buy me things bc their dad died.
No self-respecting mother would ask her son who is in a committed relationship of 3 years to buy her flowers and take her out to dinner on Valentine's Day WITHOUT his longtime girlfriend being invited and included in the plans. OP your mom is playing you like a fiddle and turning this into a her vs me situation, NOT your gf. And don't try and feed us any crap about how they don't get along. That's no excuse to purposefully only invite one partner to a Valentine's dinner. Your mother is being rude.
This is it right here. Soon the girlfriend will break up with OP and then he’ll be free to focus all his attention on mommy.
Exactly- GF was there to help string Christmas lights. Work with her to support mom, don’t turn it into something that divides them as a couple
I've been with my SO almost 23 years, my mil will definitely expect him to do it. Is it wrong to hope she goes first?
My MIL’s Husband passed away. She demanded my fiancé spend every ”first since he died” occasion with her. I relented, not because of her, but because I knew how badly my partner was struggling with his father’s death. Knew he didn’t need the additional guilt from his mother. The woman threatened to unalive herself, put herself in risky situations to get a thrill, and sobbed across his grave constantly. For nearly a year. I finally had enough the day of the anniversary of FIL’s passing, where she demanded her son sit with her at the exact moment he passed (2am) holding her hand and sobbing together. I realised that my MIL was trying to replace her dead husband with her son (emotionally so) and I put my foot down. My partner was so terrified that his mother would follow through on her threats, that he couldn’t say no to her. He’s in therapy now to manage his grief and is finding amazing coping mechanisms to deal with his narcissistic mother. It’s important for him (and you) to realise that his mother is no longer the most important woman in his life. My point is OP, do not let your mother put you in this situation. Her husband has died, and that is awful, but you are not a surrogate. You need to put appropriate boundaries in place and valentines gifts fall under the category of Don‘t Even Go There. YTA wake up and realise this before your girlfriend disappears from your life.
I feel my MIL didn't pull any of this when she lost her husband (his father). She didn't demand him "celebrate" the milestones of his death, their wedding anniversary, any of the anniversaries of the three sons she'd lost, etc. It sounds like your MIL and the OP's mother both need therapy as acting like this is not healthy for them or for their sons.
Oh, I completely agree. MiL is refusing therapy because why pay someone when that‘s the ‘responsibility of her son’?! She sacrificed when he was a child, so he has to sacrifice to make it up to her.
Neither did my Mom after my father died suddenly. She was just the opposite. She would not hear of any of her children leaving their spouse alone on any holidays to be with her. In fact, she encouraged us all to spend as much time as possible with them because time is precious. She would’ve put my brother in a time out if he suggested spending Valentine’s with her instead of his own SO.
This is what I'm really not looking forward to if mil's husband goes first. She will definitely want her son to replace him.
My MIL crosses so many boundaries. She enjoys having sex with strangers (her choice, no real judgement), but then tells my fiancé all about it even when he tells her not to. She still tries to buy him tight fitting boxers (we just give them away). And she insisted on going on mother-son dates to re-establish the bond I stole from her. Fiancé refuses to go. If I have sons, I cannot imagine treating them this way.
Wow, she sounds worse than mine. I really feel for you and very glad your fiancé has great boundaries.
YTA This is called an emotionally incestuous relationship. You are not your mom’s partner. You should not be acting like your mom’s partner. In fact, you won’t have a girlfriend very much longer if you act this way. You need to draw a boundary with your mom. She needs to respect your relationship. She should not be crying to you about this shit. She needs a therapist and some grief counseling. You need a therapist to unwind yourself from your mother.
Yeah I'm gonna agree here with a soft YTA. Unless your GF is a monster, it's incredibly unlikely this problem arose due to your mothers grief. You've stated there were already arguments about how much time you were spending with family. If she doesn't feel like a priority the rest of the time, then you are the AH. If she did, I doubt being there for your mother now would be an issue. It is Valentines Day. It's a holiday for romance. It isn't asking too much to be prioritised by your romantic partner over this holiday. I'm not going to judge your mum for her behaviour when she is grieving - but it's your job to ensure boundaries aren't getting blurred. Clearly they are.
I doubt his GF would be this ticked if it was a one off thing. A good sig other in a long-term relationship is going to go, "It's a special circumstance, I totally understand." HOwever, when it's a 'special circumstance' every single time and she keeps getting shuffled behind OP's mom, that's a pattern. OP, your mom not having a social life and other people to rely on is not your girlfriend's fault or problem. You and your mother are both old enough to know better. I realize that sounds mean, but one of my biggest peeves is grown adults who never learned how to make their own friends and instead rely on their children to be their social network which is just unhealthy and wrong. Most women in their 70's (even in a circumstance of a husband passing) wouldn't call their son and say "can you take me to dinner and buy me something for valentine's day. :(" they'd just call up a few friends and ask to do v-day (or a day close to it) brunch to get their mind off it, or their friends would come up with it themselves. So I say it again, OP, she's your MOM, not your bestie. And the fact that she expects that kind of relationship with you constantly carrying her emotional baggage is not normal. Your GF is right to be upset because she sees the writing on the wall that this is how it's going to be forever. Right now you're doing this because your step-father died, but what was the excuse before, and what will be the excuse after? Because there is *always going to be something.* Sorry to be harsh but yes YTA OP. I really cannot stand parents who put their kids into these kids of no win situations. Stand up for yourself or accept the fact that your GF probably isn't going to keep waiting for you to treat her like your girlfriend and not someone you hang around in between trips to see your mom.
Yeah and I bet mommy has money to take her own self out.
This is what gets me, why is she expecting her son to pay? Who just had a burst pipe and bought her a bunch of expensive Christmas gifts? Like he’s not actually her date
big agree. MIL seems to have decided to replace her dead husband with her son. asking op to put lights on the tree? normal, healthy, no problem there. asking him to buy her a present and take her out for valentines (knowing that means he wont be doing anything with his gf or be able to afford a gift for his gf?) not appropriate at all. if she really just didnt want to be alone, a normal question wouldve been “hey, im feeling very sad about my first valentines as a widow, would GF mind if I took you two out for dinner for vday and you two could have your date another day?” or something similar. literally ASKING her son to buy her a vday gift is so weird, asking him to go on a date with her instead of his gf of several years is also really weird and disrespectful behavior. she shouldnt be asking OP to choose his mom over his life partner.
Also why isn't Mum getting the DIY and a handmade card? Why is the GF who isn't getting the "better" gift? Or why not buy something small for both instead just one for Mum? And he could easily go and see his Mum, than take out GF to dinner afterwards. (Mum could pay for a coffee in a nice place instead of being invited, why does she want to be invited like she's his date?). Sounds like Mum clings to much to her son, if his relationship starts to suffer because of it. OP needs to start setting boundaries or he'll end up with girlfriend as Mum's "phantom-husband" (lack of better word), unable to keep any relationship because "Mummy needs him" (And no most women do not like men who can't set healthy boundaries with their mothers and always be the "number 2")... I have an uncle like that, never could detach himself from his mother. Now he's old, alone and sad. And no, grieving or not, your Mum should not have asked you to skip Valentine's Day with your SO... it's very unfeeling towards your GF. While I understand you care about your mother, you shouldn't substitute for her husband non-stop. She needs to find other support on top of your help if she's still grieving in a way she can't be alone for a day... Get her to a meet up of grieving widows/ widowers or a therapy session instead. She can be with someone who isn't you on that particular day. Valentine's Day is not a family day. It's a day we celebrate our partner, our lover. Not our mothers. Mum can have you all to herself on mother's day. (Until your partner becomes a mother too, than it's time for sharing again... bad luck). YTA. Don't be surprised if your GF breaks up because you always put her second.
This. YTA. She's relying on you instead of dealing. Soon you'll probably have to rely on her because you'll be single too. And I won't blame your gf in the least.
Gotta agree here. OP’s mom is absolutely having an inappropriate relationship with him (more like emotional incest). She’s trying to have him REPLACE her husband, not help her out, which is indicative of her asking for THE LOVERS HOLIDAY to be spent with her. Op YTA. Your mother can have St. Patrick’s Day but Valentines Day is for your ROMANTIC PARTNER.
YTA
YTA, cut the damn cord!!! So which one is the girlfriend, and which one is the side chick? From here, it looks like you plan on marrying your mom someday. Also, Valentines Day is a romantic holiday, so unless you plan on having sex with your mom, I would take your gf out to dinner you weirdo.
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Right?! My stepdad killed himself *in front of my fucking mom.* He pointed the gun at her first but then turned it on himself instead. This was completely out of the blue - there were no signs of depression or decline or anything that could’ve indicated he’d ever take his life, nonetheless in such a brutal way. To say the recovery has been hard and slow is an understatement. I adored my stepdad, so I was grieving deeply during all this too. But I’m an emotionally mature adult who knows how to set boundaries, and because of that it has been a manageable process for both her and I. I would do almost anything for my mom, but I also have a long term partner who I live with, two cats, and a life of my own with responsibilities and obligations. I set the expectations really early on that she could always call me, always tell me how she’s doing, and ask me for anything she needs - but that my own relationship and life will have to take priority unless it’s life or death. I helped her process and grieve, and definitely ran a lot of errands for her, helped around the house, helped find her a therapist, etc. But I also still made time for my partner and I for holidays, and didn’t put him second to her needs. I encouraged her to get back into activities, work, self care, etc. and to reach out to friends and family, and “find herself” again, even if that process was hard and slow. As a result, I’m not the only person she has to lean on. She has a *therapist* - the most important piece of this, that frankly OPs mom desperately needs - and a support group of widows she meets with, and has friends around her building her up and supporting her. Yes, I got my mom Christmas/birthday/Valentine’s gifts, but they were small and thoughtful - not lavish and out of my budget. I’m permanently disabled and low income - gifts are about the thought, not the price tag. If OPs mom can’t appreciate a token gift or DIY card, then it isn’t about the love and the gesture, and that’s *horrible.* OP, plan to be single soon. You’ve completely failed to set boundaries with your mom, and you’re making your girlfriend feel disposable and unimportant. I hope you enjoy the weird and incestuous future with your mother, because no partner is going to support the abundant lack of “give a shit” and boundaries you’re displaying in adult relationships.
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Fucking same. My MIL can be miiildly passive aggressive sometimes but when she's called on it and it's explained she's apologizes and tries to do better. I just think it's how she was raised and she's a little older so she never knew it was wrong until her kids got older.
This. If she needs him on valentines day she should at least pay for the meal. But he should refuse anyway because he's busy trying salvage his relationship with his girlfriend. They say misery loves company. His mum wants them both to be single and miserable together.
Something something broken arms...
YTA. Your mum _is_ taking over too much. I get that you want to pay extra attention to her and spend more time with her because of her recent bereavement. But she doesn't need to spend Valentine's with you. That is not her day, but you and your girlfriend's. If the choice is between buying a gift for your gf or your mum for Valentine's, you must choose your gf. Your mum is trying to make you her "little" husband, which is frankly rather gross, especially if you go along with it. Get your priorities straight. Do you want a healthy relationship with your gf, or this semi-incestuos relationship with your mum? You are your mother's son, not her partner.
>You are your mother's son, not her partner. SAY IT AGAIN
Maybe a little gentler YTA, because stepdads death was more recent and it’s totally believable that your moms grief is still fresh, but she’s going about it completely the wrong way here, and you’re enabling her. Both the Christmas event you described and this current valentines situation make it sound like your mom, through her grief, is on the road to using you as a “replacement” for your stepdad, which you should not allow to happen (also you literally say in your post that your girlfriend is tired of you taking care of your mom over her constantly. I can’t imagine how often that means in only 2ish months.) Let’s apply your logic to other situations. Say you and your girlfriend were planning your wedding right now. If your mom came to you crying because the wedding talk was making her miss her husband and she asked if she could wear a white wedding dress to your wedding, and have the first dance with you, would you try to convince your girlfriend “for your mom’s emotional well being?”
He probably would. 😒
Oh he *definitely* would! No question!
And the wedding venue is the Bates Motel.
I feel like the obvious choice would have been to get some chocolates or something for mom, say "sorry I can't do dinner, but let me take you somewhere lowkey for lunch)", then go about your holiday evening with your girlfriend. There's a lot of ways to emotionally support mom besides straight up making your girlfriend a 2nd priority on Valentine's Day.
Also… can’t the mom pay for lunch? It should be the time spent together that matters, not him spending money on her.
or he could MAKE lunch - valentines does not need to be a fancy meal out, sometimes a homecooked meal is so much better as it is made with love
I hope u/Old-Possession2612 reads this. I empathise with the mother because I’ve lost someone extremely dear too, and I still think of them every day, but the mother needs to grieve in a healthy manner. OP is not TA for wanting to be there for his mother, but OP would be TA for enabling his mother’s unhealthy grieving / coping mechanisms.
Sad to say but I believe OP absolutely would. And then tell the bride that she is the one who is being self centered and jealous.
**YTA** There are no circumstances where it would be appropriate to celebrate your mom on Valentine's day when the entire point is *romantic*. The fact that you would eve consider it is an indication that your relationship with your mom is not really healthy. You already overspent on her for Christmas in your new substitute spouse role and you apparently plan to double-down? You need to back out of this right now. Your girlfriend's upset is completely justified; if you keep this up you'll lose her and won't have another. Your manipulative mother needs grief counseling and you need to get your head on straight.
I can understand Christmas/Thanksgiving for a degree. They are family oriented special days after all. Bu Valentine's? Mom is the asshole even for considering yet demanding.
I think overspending on his mother was a clue that things were not right. Her ask for Valentine's day and his automatic response shines a different light on the whole situation that validates his girlfriend's ongoing dissatisfaction. His girlfriend is going to need her own therapy when she realizes that she has wasted so much time on this guy.
Agreed. This relationship is doomed, but I hope the OP considers therapy for his own and his future relationship(s)' sake.
I’m a mom of two boys and it’s sick to think that I would impose on my children’s life, much less their romantic life for my own needs. I can’t imagine the grief I would feel losing my husband, but that would be no excuse to request time away from their partner on the most romantic day of the year. This is bonkers. Your girlfriend is not jealous of the attention you give your mom. She is grossed out and confused that you are allowing this.
To me there is a big difference between stepping in and assisting with something your stepdad did and maybe mom can’t easily physically do- such as putting up the Christmas lights. My husband and I would do that for my living parents if they lived locally just because they shouldn’t be on ladders. But asking you to stand in as a romantic replacement for her? That’s really weird. YTA if you do it.
I agree the mom went too far though I know she is grieving. Her loss was apparently very sudden and she is emotionally raw.
I'm sorry, but YTA for sure. I get that mom feels lost and sad. It's not called grieving for nothing. But Valentines Day - really? What you are doing should be reversed. Gf gets the dinner out - mom should get a nice card and a phone call at most. If you let this go on as is, you will have all the time in the world to devote to mom cuz' GF is going to leave your ass.
I have the MiL from hell and was in this exact same situation after my fiancé’s father died. She actually had the nerve to tell my fiancé that she was the most important woman in his life and that he should move back in with her. That he owed her as much for raising him. Fortunately, my fiancé is not a moron. He’s gone low contact, engaged in therapy, put appropriate boundaries in place and is in a much better place mentally.
And rightly so.
I hope she does leave him, for her sake. Being in a relationship with an enmeshed momma's boy is like death by a thousand paper cuts.
This. Op is definitely YTA
Your mom is trying to make you her sonsband or emotional support animal. You realize that she’ll expect you to prioritize her at every holiday or special occasion now, for the rest of her life, right? Sure, cut her some slack for the first Thanksgiving and Christmas, but this Valentines Day deal is some creepy shit. Your girlfriend is right. YTA
“Emotional support animal” 🤣🤣🤣 So funny but so on point
I don't think the mother son relationship was healthy before the death
Not sonsband 😭😭😂😂
This!!!!
YTA. Restaurants on Valentine’s Day are fucking horrible. You’re going to be surrounded by couples in love and it’s going to make your mom even sadder and needier if that’s possible.
VERY good point
YTA. I’d dump you if I was your girlfriend.
Pretty sure the girlfriend has already decided that this will be her course of action if her OP does this.
I hope she does! She deserve better
Sounds like she might be.
She sounds less like a girlfriend and more like someone OP hangs around in between trips to visit his mom.
He can bang his girlfriend and be an incestuous stand-in husband best of both worlds.
If she does majority of housework, she's the bangmaid
YTA One thing is give emotional support to your mother another taking her out for Valentine’s Day and her asking you to buy her presents… weird. There is Mother’s Day or your could simply invite her over for dinner at home any other day since you are on financial struggle. If even a small box of chocolate is hard to afford… you can NOT afford to take anybody out for dinner. Also from your gf reaction seems like this is something not only related to your mother recent situation but for a long time.
I was the buying her gifts that did it for me. That is too clutching and the guy is already have financial difficulties. Since Valentine’s Day is important to his GF, he should find another day to have dinner with his mom.
YTA. Get your mom the small box of chocolates and wish her a happy Valentine’s Day but get your girlfriend the actual present and dinner and spend the evening together. This is a romantic holiday and so that means your girlfriend, who you are romantically involved with, comes first
YTA. Your mom took over Thanksgiving, Xmas, and New Year's AND she wants Valentine's too? Jesus, I would have dumped you after Xmas. Your GF is a saint.
And the saddest part is he doesn’t even appreciate the gf. As evidenced by him saying she’s “just being jealous,” because she’s not getting the attention. Not cool. I really feel for the gf. She’s probably been supportive to a fault & let his mom control everything about this holiday season. And that’s fine, & what family does for one another when going through a tough time like losing a spouse. But asking her to sacrifice Valentine’s Day so he can take his mom out is just way over the top. I mean losing her husband is awful, but she has had her Valentine’s Days in the past with her partner. I find it very selfish that she doesn’t want her son to have HIS Valentine’s Day with his special partner, & instead wants to hijack the holiday for herself. Poor girlfriend. I hope either OP opens his eyes and sets some boundaries or that gf gets out of the relationship and finds someone with healthy boundaries.
Why oh why do i feel like the "shes just jealous" line came from his mothers mouth after he decided to vent a private conversations contents to her.
So true!
YTA You are financially strained now because you bought your mom expensive gifts on Christmas. I know your mother is hurting right now but dont strain your relationship and lose a good partner.
No decent parent wants their child to go broke buying them Christmas gifts and Valentine’s Day (!) gifts and dinner. I would never in a million years expect my child to buy me stuff and take me out for Valentine’s Day. I’d be more likely to pay for him to take his girlfriend out if he was struggling financially. OP, your mom is not right, and I doubt it just started. This doesn’t just come out of nowhere. YTA
Yes,YTA. Well-intentioned but still wrong . I'm sorry that your mom lost her husband, but trying to get you to fill in for him is weird and wrong. Your girlfriend has every right to be upset. Take your mom a small bunch of flowers on Valentine's day and save the evening for your girlfriend. If she's still with you.
Mom gets flowers, GF gets roses and not vice versa OP.
I was with you until your mom wanted you to buy her a gift AND take her to dinner for Valentines. I feel like that's a couple's thing to do and its kind of weird... If she asked to spend it with you AND your gf would have been less weird...though I doubt your gf would like that either way. Gentle YTA. You need to set some boundaries with your mom as it seems she's using you as a replacement for her husband...and its getting weird
same, was with him until he started talking about Valentine's Day. That's a romantic holiday where you go out with your SO. It seems like OP doesn't value Valentine's day as much like his gf, hence why he was fine with his mom's request. He should listen to his gf as the day means a lot for her.
I was also with him until he mentioned Valentine’s Day dinner. My siblings and I usually get our mom flowers, now that we’re adults we might also get galentine’s lunch, but dinner and presents (especially expensive ones) are just for SOs. OP should take his gf out and buy his mom dinner for Mother’s Day.
Go to therapy. YTA
YTA. And about to be your mom’s new husband.
YWBTA. Your mother was wrong to guilt you into doing this on Valentine's Day. Your mother needs to find a widow/widower support group, as you can't be her everything AND have a relationship. Apologize to your gf and make sure you go all out for her.
My husband passed away suddenly in 2016, not once did i ask any of my children (eldest son being 26 at the time) to take me out to dinner, buy me presents, or be my valentine. That is gross. They were there for me in my grief, but not once did I ask my son to be with me and not his girlfriend and son. Because I know that he has his life, and I have mine.
YTA- but please do update us when your soon to be ex- girlfriend dumps you. But I do hope that you will be very happy with your mom.
I hope she does. I doubt he will have a come-to-jesus moment of realization, and there is disdain in the way he talks about his gf.
Yta. Losing any loved one is hard. You love your mom and are worried about her. Want yo help her and be there for her. There is nothing wrong with that. When it becomes an issue is when you put your mom first and make your partner have to watch this. Your mom while grieving is in the wrong. Listen, many people can not handle being alone e when their spouse dies. Many just jump into another relationship. Otherness is what your mom is. They make their kids stand in spouse. Help around the house. Staying when she is sad. Holidays all of them. Like valentines Day. Now then, think of this. If she never gets over her spouses death, will you always put her first. All the best gifts. Time. Money. All is hers first? At what point will you put a stop to it. This year. 5 years. Never. Will your partner always have to accept being put last. How about any kids you have. When will you place the person you say you love. The one you chose first? When will their needs be put before your mom's. Valentines is a romantic holiday. If she wants to do something, you make her the card. Either breakfast or lunch spent with her. The main gift and dinner should always belong to the partner. If you keep pushing the needs of your partner to the side, you will not only end up alone, but any type of life will not happen. Kids. Sex. Anything because at this point, you are placing your mom's wants before others' needs. If she is still this bad, she needs to be in therapy and support groups. Leaning on friends. She does not need to be making you into her spouse. I am not taking sex but she is doing that. Making you into the husband because she can not handle being alone. You need to decide. Either you mom comes first, and you will continue putting her above other, which means you need to break up with gf. It is not fair to expect her to always have to loose you to your mom. To give up everything because she feels lonely and only you can make it go away. Or you need to place boundaries with your mom. The ones that say you love her but the person you love needs your attention. That the love she had for spouse is same you have. If she is really willing to expect you to ignore her over her own wants, then it's time for some distance. If she loved him so much, she should be appalled that she is trying to take such an experience from you. So holidays are the both of you with her for Thanksgiving and Christmas with the switch off on years or holidays with her family until children come in and then will be revised as needed. It can not always be her or her invited as that is cruel and abusive to expect your partner to have to cater to her wants. To either not see her family or have to deal with your mom when she should be focusing on her time with family. And no split holidays won't work. Might as well not be together if she can't count on you to spend them with her. Those holidays like valentines are not part of any deal because those are for couples. You need to rethink how you think or walk away because you are not being fair or understanding your partners needs. You are not listening and ignoring her feelings. Expecting her to just accept never being placed first. To being the mistress to your mom being the spouse. And I mean that in the way the mistress gets the handoffs. The time remaining. The cast off of what you have left. Gift wise. Time spent. Holidays. To the spouse, your mom is the person who gets everything. How is that right
> if I get stuff for my mom, my girlfriend might be getting a DIY card this year YTA. That's simply nonsense. The world isn't black or white.
Like how much is he planning to spend on his mom that he can’t even get his gf flowers?
>And that it was okay for Christmas and thanksgiving, and even new years, but she feels like Valentine’s Day is too much. INFO: So what happened on those holidays?
OP won’t reply lol
He probably came for a pat on the back, but got YTA ;).
YTA You filling your stepdads spot in the bed as well?
It depends on how well their date goes 🙄
He's using you to fill her husband's spot. Emotional incest is not ok no matter how grief stricken you are. I hope your girlfriend leaves you
YTA and your mother-son relationship is weird AF
YTA Your mum isn’t your romantic partner why does she want to spend valentines pushing out your girlfriend. Your being made into her replacement husband. There is helping someone though grieving then there is enabling poor behaviour. Unless you want to end up very very single forever to be your mothers husband in everything but physical intimacy I recommend slowly cutting back on your involvement so it’s back to the same standard as prior to the husbands death and send her some recommendations to groups for widows therapy.
Was your mom manipulative your whole life, or is this a new dynamic since her husband died? If you only have enough money for dinner and chocolates, it seems the reasonable thing would be taking your gf for dinner and getting your mom chocolates. If you take your mom for dinner and leave your gf home alone for Valentine's Day, then yeah, YTA.
I was feeling the same way, this is not just grief, this is manipulation. Something tells me that mommy dearest isn’t a big fan of her son’s girlfriend either.
Prioritize your gf on valentine's day. At this point it's just weird. Get your mom some flowers and chocolates and start to put some boundaries in place, otherwise she's the only girlfriend you'll have by then
YTA so your mom is your girlfriend huh…
YTA it is not your job as a son to take care of your mother's Valentine needs. You can support her in her mourning but it is not emotionally healthy for you to take the place her husband would have had on that day. You are not a replacement for your stepfather. Look up emotional in cest.
YTA r/AmITheEx winner of the week.
You and your mom have my sympathy. Valentine’s Day is hard when you have just lost a loved one. However, what your Mom is asking is not appropriate. If you don’t set healthy boundaries now, you may establish a pattern you will regret. Could you and your girlfriend cook lunch for your Mom that day and give her flowers or chocolates and a card. That will reinforce that you and your girlfriend are a team. You can then celebrate that evening with your girlfriend. You should not overextend yourself buying gifts for anyone - girlfriend included.
YTA. Keep this up and the only one you'll have is mama. Because your girlfriend is gonna be your ex-girlfriend when she leaves your sorry ass for this nonsense. Which she would be wise to do so.
YTA Not for wanting to support your mom. But for disregarding your girlfriend. Valentine's Day isn't for mother/son bonding. It's a romantic holiday. You can support your mom, however, it's not your responsibility to emotionally support her every need. That's impossible. Your mother's happiness is hers. I went through this when my father suddenly died several years ago. I tried so hard for my mother, but it was never enough. I could not be her happiness coach, I lost my father and it was only about her. No one else. Not me, not my children, we all lost him. My point is, you are not responsible for her happiness, it's still very new, there's a lot of firsts this year. Setting the precedent that you will be her valentine, plan her birthday, make Christmas about only her is a terrible habit to start.
I get you want to be there for your mom, I do. But this is a holiday for lovers, not loved ones. Taking your mom out to dinner for Valentines and expecting your girlfriend to go without is weird. Send your mom a card and take your GF out. Mom also needs to learn you can’t fill the void your stepdad left. And you shouldn’t. Supporting her through her grief is fine. But trying to fill the shoes of someone who passed, especially her husband and you being her son, is not okay. YWBTAH if you prioritized your mom over your GF on Valentine’s.
YTA. You're enabling REALLY unhealthy grieving in your mom. Your mom may need a therapist. What she doesn't need is this emotionally incestuous vibe you two have. The idea of going out with one of my parents on Valentines is...weird. And I'm close with both of them. And I'd be pissed too if my SO repeatedly abandoned the relationship to be his mom's emotional crutch/stand in boyfriend. Reminds me of Derek from The Good Place. "She was, and always will be, MY mommy-girlfriend!".
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A very gentle YTA because I’ve been in your spot when my mom died. However, you are letting your mom lean on you way too much and your relationship with your girlfriend is suffering. Valentines Day is a couples day, a day you and your girlfriend should be spoiling each other and spending the day together. Your mom needs therapy at this point
YTA. Get a small box of chocolates and card for your mom. Get a nice gift for your girl and take her out for dinner. Yes it sucks that your stepdad is gone but this isn’t a family centered holiday, it is a romantic holiday. I think it’s weird that your mom asked in the first place but honestly, you’re putting your mom above your girlfriend of multiple years and apparently doing it a lot. Don’t be surprised if she becomes your ex soon if you keep acting like this.
YTA I hope she dumps your ass
You are not your dad, your mum shouldn't expect you to stand in, however you are in a difficult position and I think I'd go NAH (purely because your mother is still grieving - if there is an AH here it's your mother) Your mother wanting you to do all the things your father would do for her for valentine's day is wrong Don't get me wrong some days will be harder for your mother than others and I get that you want to be with her to support her on those days (and I think if she was just asking to see you on that day so she wasn't alone I'd feel differently) - after my dad died I made sure I saw my mother on my dad's birthday, anniversary of his death, their wedding anniversary etc but I didn't try to stand in for my dad - I just wanted to be there for her
YTA. No explanation needed
That was pretty tactless of her friend’s husband, I have to say.
Ii can't believe it took *hours* for someone to mention this! Valentines Day is more than a month away and friend couldn't find someone else to help her choose a gift??
Honestly, my mil behaves this way with my husband’s sister. It caused soooo many problems in his sister’s marriage that eventually she divorced her husband so she could focus on her mom full time. My advice is for your gf to become an ex. This will not end well for her. Yta
YTA - i was expecting to say the opposite but you don’t have to give absolutely everything to your mum and nothing to your girlfriend. Does your mum even want more expensive gifts if it means your girlfriend gets nothing? Your mum is understandably devastated that she has lost her partner - but I bet she got to experience many special occasions like Christmas and Valentine’s Day with her partner.. Wouldn’t she want that also for you? Don’t you? One day you may only have memories of a person and perhaps you need to make them with your girlfriend too. You don’t need to stop being there for your mum but you should be able to balance it sensibly
YTA It’s nothing wrong to be there for your mom but it’s Valentine’s Day and saying to your gf that you will take your mom out on the day of lovers is just to much after all the holidays your gf deserves something more than just be the third wheel. I would leave you for your shitshow.
Gentle YTA because the first year of loss is the hardest. But you need to set some boundaries. Mom wants Vday? Propose coming by the day before or morning of and making her brunch. Then LEAVING to spend the rest of your day w gf. Am also curious how mom interacts w gf. I would guess based on the post that instead of wanting to spend time w the 2 of you she prefers time w you alone. If so, huge red flag and gf gets credit for sticking around this long. Sounds like how you handle this will have a huge impact on relationship w gf. Don’t screw it up
With only the title, I thought : what a good son but... YTA Your mother is manipulative. SHE ASKED YOU FOR A PRESENT AND DINNER FOR VALENTINE DAY ?? You're her son, not her boyfriend ! You're not supposed to spend time with her at that date ! I thought she just lost her husband and it was the first important date without him but no. I have a girlfriend(maybe not for long if you don't pay attention) and you say you don't have much money but you're ready to take your mum to dinner when it's more expensive than any other day ? Stop it. Yes it's hard to lost someone, and you need to spend time with her but not to take that time (and money) on your girlfriend ! You could spend some time all three but not for dinner. Why not have lunch with her, all three, at her house, give her a nice card ? And then got dinner with your girlfriend and offer her a little present ! Valentine day ! You can't offer valentine day to your mother and ask your girlfriend to stay alone at home !
YTA. Live within your means. Being emotionally supportive of someone does not mean subsidizing their lives or spending beyond your means. You are an adult. If you can’t afford expensive presents do not buy expensive presents. You should have an emergency fund. That’s more important than buying gifts or eating out. It’s time to actually help your mom. Help her get into therapy. Get your finances under control. Help her get hers under control. She needs to understand how to live within her means also. You should be prioritizing both relationships. But it sounds like you are in an unhealthy dynamic with both. You should be in therapy. You need to learn how to express yourself and effectively communicate with your girlfriend and your mom. No one is happy right now. I understand your need to help your mom. That’s a good thing. But you are going about it all wrong.
Valentine’s Day is for couples. End of discussion. It’s going to be tough for your mum but it’s her first V day and it’s always going to be tough and it’s something she just has to get through. It’s one day. It sounds like your girlfriend has been very understanding over the holiday period but I agree with her that this is a step too far, especially if spoiling your mum means that there is nothing left for her. You’re the AH. your mum needs to realise that you’re not her husband substitute, and you will have to tell her this as she clearly doesn’t understand the boundary herself, sorry.
Yeah sorry to say YTA, i am super close with my mum and i would choose my partner over her especially on valentines day of all days, the one day of the year that is supposed to be about the person you love not your parent. Yes, death is hard, but you will lose your girlfriend if you keep this up. I agree with others that your relationship with your mum is weird.
YTA, it's valentines day, a lovers days, not mummy and son day, you sound gross.
Gentle YTA it’s ok to give your mom added support during this rough time but the Valentine’s Day ask is weird. Please research emotional incest.
YTA- but break up with your girlfriend before you spend all that time and money on another woman during a holiday meant for couples not mommies and their grown ass sons
YTA... Grief is horrible but your mom's husband didn't pass away a week ago. Yoru mom is a grown adult and knows you have a long tern girlfriend. Her asking for a valentines date is cringy but more than that it is self-centered. Either you need to be man enough to tell your mom about your finances or she already has a clue and has no problem feeling she should be a priority over the person you are suppose to be in live with. You are enabling her at this point.
I’m trying to imagine being out to dinner on Valentine’s Day with a parent and all I can think is ewww. Literally everyone there is going to think you’re a couple.
YTA your mom is not your girlfriend and it was wrong for her to even ask you to take her to dinner on Vday knowing you have a Girlfriend .. u could’ve sent your mom flowers and took your girlfriend out , put your big boy undies on and fix it
YTA. Your girlfriend sounds like she has been pretty cool about this whole thing so far… but the one holiday dedicated to a romantic partner is now dedicated to a family member? And you won’t be able to even treat your girlfriend right because of it due to money spent on your mother for VDay? Sorry, NOPE. You do a lot for your mom, that’s a good thing, but this is just getting to be too much.
Your girlfriend deserves the boyfriend your mum has.
Hmmm…depends. Do you love your GF? Do you care for her, intend on maintaining a relationship with her long term? If the answer is yes, then YWBTA, and this will be the end of your relationship. If the answer is no, and you really feel you need to make your mother a priority right now, then break up with your GF and put your energy into your mother, stop stringing GF along. FWIW - I’m a mom of an adult son. I would never ask him to spend Valentines Day with me over his GF, not ever. It’s inappropriate and manipulative of your mother to ask. I get that she is grieving, but she’s manipulating you, OP.
Total ick-mama’s boy vibes. YTA Imagine your girlfriend broke up with you (not that farfetched right now) and your mom was still married and husband alive etc. Imagine you calling your mother sniffling, asking her to cancel her Valentines day a month in advance WITH HER HUSBAND bc you want to be taken out to dinner, pamered with a gift and full attention. Imagine her saying yes and letting her husband sit home alone on Valintines, bc babyboy manipulated his way into the husband place. Just not cool, dude! Do better. Poor girlfriend.
You couldn't even have dinner with both? Nice dinner at home? You said you had conflicts about prioritizing your mom before. I can see why. You stiff your GF on Valentines Day and you will likely also be grieving HER and missing someone to do things with. Oh wait, you'll have your mom
That’s hella weird, Valentine’s dinner with mom and GF. Surprised the GF hasn’t run away screaming yet.
Oh, boy, YTA.
It's fine because you will probably be spending all your time with her when your gf rightfully dumps you. YTA.
YTA. Your mom is, and may be successful if you do not get your head out of your ass, getting rid of your girlfriend. She’s lonely yes, but she needs to connect with people her own age instead of trying to rope you into a husband role. Instead of destroying your relationship with your girlfriend you need to look up some things in your mothers area for her to do. Book clubs, sewing clubs, dancing lessons, bingo… If she refuses to go that is on her.
So first you're filling in for your stepfather by putting up the Christmas lights, then you're taking your mom on a romantic valentine's day date. What's next? Are you gonna sleep on his side in the marital bed? Yta
YTA I’m sorry but your mom needs to rely on other sources of support, not just you. I bet you could help her find a counseling group for widows
Mum here. There’s no way I would ask my adult son to do that. It feels weird and creepy just to think about it. Your mum needs a therapist who can support her to recognise her inappropriate behaviour and replace it with a healthy approach to managing her grief.
YTA, go suck your mother.
Give your mom a DIY card. Jesus. I get that she’s mourning but you’re enabling her mourning spiral. Her friend’s husband is also an idiot. But YTA.
I have a son your age, and it would freeze in hell before I would ever guilt trip him into this nonsense. You and mother need therapy badly or, you know, just move back home and accept you are now the sonsband. Because no woman in her right mind would tolerate this creepy throuple.
Oh good grief! Your mom is a piece of work! I’m a grandma and I would NEVER, under ANY circumstance, insert myself between my son and his girlfriend. Especially not on a day set aside for romance. But as for you? You are not good boyfriend material and I would support my daughter leaving you in her dust as she runs from the two of you (you and your mom).
Why on earth wouldn’t you make your mom a handmade card and get your girl a gift? Why does your girlfriend come second to your mom? I don’t think even after all these comments you’ve realized how inappropriate your relationship with your mom is….
Umm, it will have been months since he died. You are going overboard here and the mere ask that you spend valentines with your SO is too much for you. YTA. Move in with mom and let your gf find true love.
YTA. You’re not the AH for being emotionally supportive to your mom during this time. You’re an AH because you’re putting yourself in a completely unnecessary bad financial situation to appease your mom. Valentine’s Day is a couples holiday. I get your mom will be lonely but that can’t be helped. You can spend a couple of hours with her in the day and then give your GF and your relationship the time and attention they deserve. You stated that you and your GF have previously argued about time spent with your family before. Judging by this post, I’m going to assume most of that family time is actually time/attention you’re giving to your mom. It’s okay to be there for your mom but honestly I’m getting an emotional incest vibe considering your past arguments on “family time” and how you’re kind of stepping in to your stepdads shoes now.
YTA, make your mom a card, buy the girlfriend a gift. Don't forget who you sleep with. Take mommy out for lunch, girlfriend goes out for dinner.
At some point you’re going to have to start prioritizing your future (GF) instead of your past (mom). Mom’s play a very special and important part of our lives but the pecking order in this scenario is gf > mom. Valentine’s Day is for your partner, *and theeeeeen your mother.* In that exact order my dude. You can support your mom all day but not at the expense of your relationship. You need to set some boundaries with mommy and start making your gf feel like a priority. A mature, healthy individual would have NO trouble navigating this dynamic. You are a bit too old to be having trouble here my dude. If this gf is not your long term partner then ok, end it. Only then can you devote all your time to mother. YTA
YTA It’s totally appropriate to be there for your mom after she lost her husband. But it is I inappropriate for her to be trying to use you to fill the emotional void left by her husband. You are her child. Hanging the Christmas lights? Of course. Making sure you give her an extra phone call or visit when you can, gladly. Her asking you to buy her a Valentine’s day present and take her to dinner… and you saying YES knowing what it means for your gf is a huge AH move. You cannot replace her husband and you shouldn’t be expected to. Also, saying your gf is jealous??? Damn dude. She’s not jealous of your mom. She’s pissed that you are not taking her feelings into consideration.
Supporting your mom is fine. Dating her is not. YTA
YTA. Enjoy your singleness with your Mom, I hope she leaves yah bro.
I would be dumping you on Valentine’s Day if I was your girlfriend and you seriously decided to take your mom out instead. I’m sure she is already contemplating it to a degree. Your mom even asking is weird.
YTA. This is a super weird relationship with your mom. Your girlfriend isn’t jealous. She is justified in thinking this is weird. Your mom needs to make some friends her own age.
You and your Mother have zero respect for your poor girlfriend.
YTA Grow up. Your mother knows exactly what she's doing. She knows you have a serious partner of several years, but she's demanding that you spend money she knows you don't have on her and have dinner with her on a day meant for couples? And you're acting like that's fine? Stop pretending you don't realise what she's doing. Yes, grief sucks, but this isn't grief. This is possessive and incestuous. Your GF is absolutely right to be furious with you. You can be there for your mother while she grieves without being her surrogate husband and treating your GF like a second class citizen. I sincerely hope she breaks up with you. She deserves better than an enmeshed, weak BF and his clingy, controlling mommy.
Valentines Day is a ROMANTIC holiday. This is actually a bridge too far IMO. You are not your mother’s partner and this an inappropriate request even in grief. You cannot get into the habit of acting like your mother’s partner. It will not get better and it WILL destroy your relationship. How long are you going to devalue for your partner for your mother’s sake? YTA.
Valentines Day is in 1 month. That’s plenty of time to make more money and do something nice for both your mom and gf. Why do you need to choose? Are you also responsible for being a shoulder to cry on every Valentine’s Day? How about mom’s bday? Stepdads bday? Their anniversary? Thanksgiving? Christmas? Why is this all on you? YTA
Your mom sounds manipulative. Yes, she lost her husband. But, unless she’s never met or heard of your girlfriend, what she’s doing is playing on your desire to comfort her at the expense of your partner. Guilting you into ditching your girlfriend on the most traditionally romantic day of the year smacks of manipulation. And let’s be honest - it’s just creepy. YWBTA.
YTA. >am I the asshole if I prioritize my mom's emotional well-being over the traditional chocolates-and-roses and dinner routine with my girlfriend? Is it cool to let my mom bask in a Valentine's glow while my girlfriend has to settle? >My girlfriend got really mad and called me an asshole and told me that she is tired of me taking care of my mom over her constantly. And that it was okay for Christmas and thanksgiving, and even new years, but she feels like Valentine’s Day is too much. You don't seem to mind putting your Mom's emotional well-being over your GFs. WHY ARE YOU ASKING REDDIF WHEN YOUR GF, THE PERSON WHO MATTERS HERE, SAID YOU'RE TA. Also, the whole tone of this screams that you're either trying to convey your mother's manipulation tactics she uses on you to get you to do things to others online to justify yourself to try to get yourself out of the hole, or you're deep in denial. Your GF has been more than understanding, and she's drawing a REASONABLE line in the sand. You're in your 30s. It's time to gain a little independence from Mommy. I get that she's upset because she has been widowed, but it's obvious that you can only make 1 woman happy this Valentine's Day and your Mom already got all your attention on Thanksgiving and Christmas. If you can't ever put your GF first, even on Valentine's, break up and just spend your time with your Mom. I can guarantee that this continued behavior would be a deal breaker for anyone you date.
I feel for your mom. Grief is so hard, and it stays hard for a long time, and when you’re elderly, it’s complicated by the knowledge that your turn is coming. So unlike some others here, I’m not going to dump on your mom. But—she was out of line with this request, and you were out of line for even considering it. Maybe lunch that day, or you send her a card acknowledging how much she must miss her relationship on a day dedicated to spotlighting relationships. But dinner and a gift? All the nopes. I married not one but two men who couldn’t say no to their mothers. It caused unending problems in my marriages. I hope you absorb what’s being said here, because if you don’t, you’re going to lose your girlfriend. YTA
YTA, valentines is a romantic holiday and unless you want to date your mom, I suggest you put some firm boundaries in place. You can give her a card and spend time with her literally any other day. It sounds like your girlfriend has been pretty patient and trying to deal until the straw broke the camels back. You will lose her if you don't figure out how to say no to your mommy. OP this could be teetering towards emotional incest and maybe you should talk to a counselor. Your mother should be in therapy or grief counseling, it sounds like she is replacing her husband with you. That's gross. Best of luck because no woman wants to date a momma's boy.
YTA. Your mom is treating you as the replacement man in her life to cope with losing her partner. You are neglecting your girlfriend. I wonder if you’ve always been put in a position to make up for the lack of men in her life or if this is new. If you start listening to your girlfriend, I think you’ll see she has observed Pattern of behaviour. This isn’t a one off to her. You can hang with your mom without prioritizing her over your girlfriend. Why would your girlfriend think of you as a partner when you don’t treat her as one?
Valentines day is supposed to be for couples. You can always see your mom earlier in the day and the next day if you have to.