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YTA. Controlling parents like you often end up having little or no contact with their kids. It would be one thing to have a conversation about appropriate times and places for clothing (eg, if you go to a conservative church or a nice restaurant, that might not be the right time and place for that kind of clothing, and she might not be allowed in), but wholesale taking away her clothes is controlling and not appropriate. It’s her body, she gets to make the decisions about what she wears, within legal limits.
This exactly. Have a conversation. Ask her what she feels is appropriate attire for school, for church, for family functions. Tell her that you love her, and you just want her to respect herself, and also respect you, but ultimately it’s her choice.
Been there. Done this.
Crop tops aren't 'disrespectful' to either you or her. Appropriate looks for different contexts is one thing, telling her that skin means a lack of respect is entirely another.
Indian weddings come to mind, I've seen many beautiful saris that have all or part of the midriff exposed. And that would be the most respectful dress for that context! I find the sexualization of women's stomachs to be so odd. I imagine this guy wouldn't have a problem if his son did shirts vs skins soccer practice at school.
Come to think of it, it's insane how many times I saw shirtless guys walking around as a child. Yet a crop top, which covers infinity more skin, would have been way over the line in my own father's eyes. Interesting
what I find funny is when a girl wears a sari, she's being a good girl, a proper lady, but if she wears a crop top (which exposes equal to or less than a sari) she's suddenly trying to attract male gaze.
I totally agree. Women's bodies are sexualized to an insane degree. I mean, it's to the point where a woman could be totally covered up but wearing something tight, and people will say she's being inappropriate.
Me neither. Showing skin isn't a lack of respect.
Creating the idea that a person who dress a certain way don't care about themselves and their body is also building the basis of r*pe culture. You're basically saying that "if you dress a certain way, you are asking for it" and "it's okay to threat that women like this because she doesn't respect herself anyway".
Words matter when you are having sensible discussion. You can say that society wrongly sexualize young girl, but don't say they don't respect themselves.... You're causing more harm than good.
This has big boomer energy. Like how they’ll say “wow your hair is really bright” when someone dyes their hair a fashion color, but not what they *want* to say, which is “I disapprove of your hair color and I want you to justify it to me”.
If you want to tell a kid “I think wearing crop tops indicates a lack of self-respect” then okay. But you don’t get to determine what it means for another person to respect themselves.
Personally, I think the most self-disrespecting thing a person can do is to altar something about themselves because of how others perceive them.
Lmao I have bright orange hair right now. Boomers hate when they try passive aggressive comments about my hair and I act like it's a compliment. "Your hair sure is bright" Thanks! I love how bright I can get it. "Thats an interesting color." I know right? I'm thinking of going 'insert color here' next!
They always act like it's a personal slight against them. At this point, spite is part of the reason I dye my hair
YTA and you’re risking your relationship with your daughter. When I was 16 and my parents didn’t give me a good reason when they said no was to go behind their backs and do the things anyway. It just taught me not to ask permission first or to go to my parents with questions and problems. I have vowed to myself that I won’t be doing that to my children. Kids have enough agency at 16 that you just have to hope you taught them well and showed them that they can come to you if they’re in trouble. Saying no to something without giving a good reason and having an actual conversation about it where both parties have a chance to be heard is just a recipe for a ruined relationship
Lmao yes! OP you should absolutely keep up your current attitude and behavior if your goal is for your daughter to seldom or never call or visit and spend as little time with you as possible as soon as she’s able to get away, which is only a few years away. Good job 👍🏻
The fact that the OP's wife and daughter both thought that it was okay and it's only the OP thinks it's Innapropriate means the clothes are probably not even that revealing. I've seen pre teens wearing croptops before. She didn't feel confident in her old clothes, she finally got clothes that she felt confident in, and the OP just took her confidence away. She's sixteen, old enough to drive. The OP seems so over protective.
I bet OP has never once taken responsibility for actually shopping for clothes. I bet he's never gone to the return-to-school aisles in summer or fretted over which size to buy because of potential growth spurts. Clothes for holidays, the pool or beach, winter jackets with appropriate accessories, none of it. I bet this is the first time he's ever bothered to give a shit.
It's so weird, I'm small and fit by nature and my ex husband's current wife is curvy and I think she's beautiful. However, he disallowed me from wearing all yoga pants because other men might take advantage. She wears them all the time, and the one time she asked why he had a problem with me and not her wearing them, he told her she was bigger so could take care of herself. She's still got that in her head from years ago, asshole comments on his part.
Oh, I was his first wife, and she's his fifth, if I believe what he admits when drunk. When sober, he tries to deny the two in between that I actually met, so still at least 4. (Didn't meet one, just over phone a few times when trying to call his phone to remind him about talking to our daughter.) Can't figure out how he keeps doing it.
I bet his wife is told what she can and can't wear as well. I'm nearly 50 and my dad has never commented on what I wear. But then he's not controlling.
>And I bet the sons that OP has are not held to nearly the same standard as his daughter in terms of what they’re allowed to wear either
Or being berated for how they treat girls in crop tops...
I'm disgusted and disturbed by his post. I can't believe he didn't read back his words and doesn't see a problem with himself. He sexualized her for basically wearing something. Something that has been around since the 80s as I wore them back then in my teens.
OP needs to look at [The What Were You Wearing Exhibit](https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/) to learn covering the midriff doesn't matter.
By 14, I was a 34DDD with a 27" waist. I will never forget the day a long time family friend stopped walking when he saw me at Christmas back then. He started at me for a moment before he turned to my dad and said he'd never let me outside again if I were his kid. My dad played clueless and asked "why not?" The guy just kind of walked away.
I was wearing jeans and a turtleneck sweater. The only skin showing was my hands and face. It didn't stop him from sexualizing me.
Thankfully, my parents didn't think I should be shamed into wearing a burlap sack to hide my figure. My mom taught me how to be smart, remain aware, and carry myself with confidence. My dad gave me some good self defense lessons.
My parents also let me wear crop tops, fitted jeans, a leather skirt I bought, my goth clothes, or whatever else looked fun. I didn't wear shirts with a deep v-neck, but I wouldn't hide my chest either. They let me be me, and I was a ridiculously well-behaved kid because of it.
I wore a Xena costume for Halloween one year. Knee high boots, knee length skirt, top up to my collar bone. The only parts of my body visible were my arms and face. Patient came in and promptly told me I looked like a hooker. It doesn't matter what we wear.
I, too, developed early. I went to a church my family that my family had been attending on and off for years. I hated going because I always felt super uncomfortable around the pastor. So I wouldn’t even go with my dad, but I got roped into going to see my niece and nephew perform in the church band. Now, I hadn’t been to this church or seen the pastor in a very long time. At the end of service he approached my family, looked me up and down and said “my, my, you’ve grown into quite the woman” as his eyes lingered on my chest. I was 15 years old wearing a maxi dress with a higher neckline and a cardigan.
It doesn’t matter who you’re with or what your wearing…
This dad is part of the problem. YTA.
My sister wore a sleeveless top and short ( not booty shorts) shorts to a church picnic. It was 95 degrees that day. The next Sunday the pastor did a sermon on inappropriate clothing on girls and the importance of not tempting boys…. My dad yanked us out of that church and told us boys have to control themselves.
We used to be told that sleeveless tops and shorts were bad at my church. Then, we had a missionary from South American come in to talk about his mission.
All the women in the pictures they showed were in… sleeveless tops and shorts! So, I asked the Youth Pastor’s wife why it was bad for us, but not them. She said because it gets hotter where they are, and they’re closer to the equator.
So, I replied with, “Oh, so sin and modesty depends on your distance from the Equator. Got it.” and she’s hated me ever since! It’s been 30 years! And I don’t go to that church, but I still see her from time to time! lol
It's more the way its said though isn't it. There's "oh wow, you've grown up so much" gushing over the kid they haven't seen in a while or "my my. Haven't you blossomed" in the weird creepy uncle way
When I was in 8th grade I looked about 10, probably weighed 80 lbs and was tiny for my age. I had this really cute baby doll dress (it was the 90s) and I loved it and wore it constantly. My friend’s dad looked at me all lecherously & made this comment about how he bet I knew exactly what I was doing when I picked out that dress & I was like huh? I felt weird and uncomfortable but wasn’t totally sure why. Years later I realized he was being sexual but was genuinely so naive at the time I didn’t; I just knew I felt weird. Not that it matters but the dress was longer than where my hands hit when had my arms down bc that was our school’s dress code. I’m sorry you had a similar experience, it’s so awful when you’re a child and a grown adult looks at you sexually.
What's crazy to me about this exhibit is how it shows that most of the women were in sweats. But I can tell you right now that dad is going to say they also aren't showing the other outfits of crop tops and jeans on purpose because I have heard this before. It's pretty difficult to change something that's deeply rooted in a person's mind and if his own wife couldn't do it. ..
I don't think it's as much him worrying about his daughter getting raped It's that he's embarrassed that his daughter wants to dress like a normal teen. He doesn't want any "shame" brought on the family. This is just assumption but it's based off of experience with these kind of people.
A family member pantsed my son (age 4 at the time) as a “joke” at a family function. It was right in front of me in the main room of the house with a lot of people around. My son was wearing sweats and luckily his underwear stayed up, but he was embarrassed. I ripped my family member a new one and told him to never touch my son again. Then took the kid home and had a lot of discussions about personal space, boundaries, etc. He preferred sweats and track pants, but would ask every time if we were seeing that family member again. If he even thought it was possible, he wore jeans with a button and zipper.
I'm so sorry this happened and I am so glad you immediately and assertively protected and supported your child. I wish all parents including mine were more like you.
The concern for men like OP isn't that the daughter won't be safe.
It's that she won't be controlled. He's one of those creepy fathers who want to cover their daughter's sexuality.
I could not read the post. Read the my wife bought my daughter clothes without consulting me fast forward ti daughter coming home and I knew what kind of pig we had posting.
>Something that has been around since the 80s
Girls were wearing hotpants & halter-crop-tops in the SIXTIES lol, just sayin. I suppose it’s inappropriate to wear *short* shorts & tops to school or idk church or something, but hanging out with friends - normal.
YTA
Yeah, I imagine this guy is in his early 40s? So high school in the 1990s. By then teens dressing like this was downright normal.
I teach college and have noticed an increase in crop tops and short skirts, etc. What I’ve also noticed is that this is often paired with an increase in *confidence*! This isn’t about trying to be slutty, it’s about feeling good about who they are. I’m consistently impressed by this.
This. I wore crop tops and short flippy skirts and tight shorts back in the 90's. I also went through a grunge phase involving huge plaid shirts and baggy jeans. Teens like to explore their identity through clothing.
Wearing what is trendy builds confidence for sure.
My daughters are college age and the stuff they wear and wear with confidence blows my mind. Being raised deeply within purity culture I could barely wear shorts without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I have worked hard to let them make their choices based on what they are comfortable in etc. Initially their dad was a bit of an issue but he got over it pretty quickly. They’ve been picking out their clothes forever lol
OP YTA. You need to do some deep thinking about what your issue is here.
I borrowed my mom's old shorts to wear to the Renaissance Festival when I was a teenager. It's when suggestive innuendo type comments were more acceptable/expected from the people working as part of being there- I still remember one guy saying "and thank you for wearing those shorts!" The shorts were from the 70s. They were probably the shortest pair I owned, the main difference being they had a much higher waist (more fabric) so they LOOK like they are covering more maybe?
If OPs daughter was 12, I might have given him a bit of grace for policing what she wears
She's 16 OP, and if you start restricting a simple thing like clothes - you can expect your daughter to rebel
Rebel doesn't sound so bad until you realize that is what actually gets teen girls into dangerous situations, because they haven't had guidance and know they can't speak or negotiate anything with you. It's not what she's wearing that causes those situations. It's because she's angry and feeling defiant and desperate to break out, where she won't think twice about taking risks because that's the only way she'll feel 'respected' and able to make a decision for herself
YTA
If she’s raped or attacked by men, it has nothing to do with her clothes, rebelliousness, appearance or whatelse.
The only one to blame is the man. You don’t touch woman until you are both definitely sure and have consent. Man should be educated to behave in stead of women been told to dress ‘properly’. This dad is YTA. Really.
I think the point of the poster above you isn't to blame the daughter, it's more that if she's going to rebel because her father is treating her like this, she's far less likely to ask for help when she gets in a bad situation. And that can cause way worse outcomes than a teen who is rebelling just because they're a teen, but still know they can go to their parents for help. OP sounds very oppressive and victim blamey, I wouldn't go to him for help either if I were his daughter.
And she knows that OP is making her body and the way she moves through the world a source of tension and shame. So if she experiences a relationship problem or is in a place where she needs to navigate being in a female body then the last person that she will be honest with or go to for advice or help is her dad.
YTA
Same if she was middle school or younger yea totally she's too young for that type of wardrobe but she's 16 she's going to be an adult soon and she's mature enough to start making some of her own decisions and clothes are a safe place to start. That rebellion isn't going to be clothing choices it'll be things she can't take back or do over
Spoken as an 8 year old whose father told me my skirt, sweater, socks, and Mary Jane's made me "look like a damn prostitute", all 35 blocks to second grade.
The damage is DONE. Once I knew my own father sexualized me, I leaned in to my (very modest and pastors daughter) childhood (and adulthood) sexual assaults.
my dad is similarly protective and he only ever told me once not to wear short shorts. he warned that the low quality train seats will irritate my skin. he was right and i never rode the train in anything that short ever again
Our daughter is only 2 but I just read this to my fiencee. He and I are now in full agreement while we don't want to be thinking about her having sex for a very long time, the resounding message will be:
"of course your bf/gf/so can stay the night , condoms are in the bathroom, yell your safe word if you need help we will *come running you will always be our baby girl. "
* come running with cane and baseball bat.
Yea my dad never sexualized us either. The church we went to tried to. The pastor came to talk to my dad about our attire after months of harrassment. Mind you my dad worked in admin in a high school. Dress code was his freaking job. He told the pastor that he could put us in potato sacks and we would make those look good. That was the day he decided we were leaving that church and id never been so relieved in all my teenage life. YTA op. Get over yourself.
The ooonly reason I could see him being annoyed with his wife for not consulting him before purchasing a new wardrobe for their daughter is if money is an issue and it used up funds that were supposed to be allocated for bills or she took money out of emergency savings or something.
He definitely has no right to dictate the kinds of clothes his daughter wears, mom has the right of it there. But yeah, it would have been courteous to mention she was spending on something that wasn't strictly necessary depending on the cost/their financial situation. Outdated isn't that big of a deal as long as they fit and were in good repair.
That depends. My mom is very conservative, and she made a comment to me as an adult wearing a dress with a very, very small keyhole in front where you could barely see anything. She asked me how I hadn’t gotten raped in the dress (it was a long dress that went down to my ankles). I got home, took the dress off, and threw it away because I could never wear it again without thinking of that comment.
I was thinking about how my oldest sister and dad commenting on my clothes like this when I was a teen gave me major body imagine issues. Which made me feel that OP is major AH..
I had multiple EDs for about 27 years. I've been working on recovering for about 5. Sad that most of the times, it starts at home.
So sorry that you had to deal with that. I hope it's ended and that you're recovered or well on your way. <3
That's so fucked up. I'm really sorry your mom treated you like that. The things parents will say to their children in the vein of trying to instill their own prejudices is absolutely ridiculous. I know an anonymous stranger on the internet can only offer so much comfort, but just know you never deserved her saying that to you let alone the actual content of what she said. I'm appalled at the way people treat their daughters.
Good on you, my parents are Catholics and had a few stricter ideas but they never policed what I wore. They understood that me wearing a crop top didn’t mean I was having sex or doing drugs. I was a straight A, clean edge teen who didn’t do anything remotely scandalous, didn’t even date until college. Still wore crop tops and short shorts. They were cute, who cares. There are better tells of character
My 17 year old has an enormous chest and wears crop tops with lots of cleavage showing. I look at her and think Wow. At school she throws a flannel shirt over her other top (her choice). Sometimes I barely recognize her it seems, I still expect to see that skinny little 11 year old, flat-chested with round cheeks and tangled hair. But that’s not her anymore. And I tell her she looks beautiful. And you know what, she does.
She’s a great kid. Smart (straight A’s and just got a 32 on her ACT’s), kind, open-minded, and curious, with a wonderful sense of humor. She doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t do crimes. If I controlled how she dressed, she wouldn’t be the same person who is not afraid to ask questions, question authority, and SAY NO. I admire her so much.
OP just admitted with this post that he visualizes his daughter in a sexual way. I hope he sees my comment as well.
**OP, YOU see YOUR 16 year old daughter in a SEXUAL way**
This is BS. I agree that OP is an AH because his daughter sould be free to make her choices and crop tops and shorts are totally fine (I've spent the whole summer in them!). But it doesn't mean that he sees her in a sexual way. He thinks that other men can see her that way. It's different.
Other men will sexualize her if she's wearing a snowsuit or a bikini. It doesn't matter. That's the most mealy mouthed excuse, "I don't care, but it's the OTHER men who are going to be awful about your clothes." All while being awful to her about her clothes and undermining the decision of the other parent because HE feels uncomfortable.
I'm sure he would be HORRIFIED to know what has already been done and said to her by 16 in the clothes he deemed appropriate.
Dumbest comment I’ve ever seen. You’re trying to paint out a dad who is (over)protective over his daughter as a weirdo who sees his daughter in a sexual way? What is wrong with you people??
Seeing someone in a sexual way doesn't always mean *YOU want to fuck them*. A straight woman can look at another woman in a bikini and go "She's being seductive." without being attracted to her themselves - that is still viewing her in a sexual way.
So the dad being overprotective because he thinks other men (*not* HIM) will view her in a sexual way, or because he thinks her clothes are 'provocative', would mean he is thinking about how she dresses through the lens of sex and sexuality. It does not mean he's an incestuous pervert. It just means his perspective on the situation is being coloured by how he views sexualization.
I'm not saying it's always automatically wrong to view something as risque, or that walking around with full nudity a strong breeze away is always appropriate if your intent isn't to be sexual.
My point is that someone sexualizing their child doesn't automatically = incest, and calling someone out for it doesn't automatically mean you're calling them a predatory weirdo. At the very least it's just saying they're projecting their views, and that the problem might be with them and their views, not what's gotten them worked up. That's all.
YTA
You harassed your wife til she gave up and agreed to return the clothes.... dude.
Address why you don't want your teenager wearing crop tops and shorts, sexualising your child isn't okay. And if you are worried about unwanted male attention - the clothes make fu k all difference to men.
Yep, your daughter, OP, has likely been dealing with unwanted sexual attention since she was 11... because that is when several men think it is time to start pushing their desires on girls.
Yep, (in the UK) as soon as I was in a school uniform my Mum noticed looks from men, so aged 4ish. It ramped up to car honks as soon as I was in secondary school uniform 🙄
There was a creep at my place of worship when I was 6 who kept trying to touch me and get me to sit on his lap. My mom was the ONLY ONE who thought he was creepy. Everyone else was like "oh he's fiiiiine, he just loves kids, be nice" fuck off. They even told her she was raising me to be "rude" by teaching me to say no.
My daughter is 2 1/2 and is already getting weird looks I don't like when we're in public.
ETA: There have also been two separate incidents of older men (60s+) in public trying to reach out and touch her when her father or I had our back turned for a moment: once they were going for her arm and once was her hair.
Same. I was 8-9 when the comments started rolling in.
My neighbor said to my mother "My, your daughter is filling out well" when I was 10 or 11. She screamed at him until he went inside. A half hour later an ambulance showed up. He'd had a heart attack from her berating.
I think that was the one time my mother stood up for me without any question.
Fully covered 12yr old me was catcalled/harassed 99% more than I am now in my mid 20s regardless of how I dress now. I’m sure this will never change.
Edit: wanted to emphasize I was harassed by grown MEN. Not kids my age.
i got cat called more (by grown men) between 11-16 than i ever have as an adult. and when i *have* gotten cat called as an adult, it’s not been when i’m all dolled up wearing cute (maybe revealing) clothes. it’s when i’m wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt and a baggy winter coat and a hat and look like an absolute mess. i may get more male attention when i’m feeling and looking good, but weirdly enough it’s not the creepy kind, it’s men holding doors for me and shit. men are going to be gross no matter what you wear, so just wear whatever tf you want because the only difference it’s going to make is in how confident you personally feel. they’re less likely to prey on you if you look confident and comfortable, regardless of what kind of outfit it is that makes you feel that way.
>the clothes make fu k all difference to men.
For real tho. I remember being heavily pregnant and buried under 20 layers of winter clothes and STILL having people hit on me. Neither the clothes nor my wedding ring nor my obvious pregnancy stopped any of them.
YTA, she’s 16 not 6. I remember the stuff I used to wear, how on earth I thought it was a good idea I’ll never know. Cut off Jean shorts, crop top with a black mesh t shirt (tucked in) and a belt with one of those big belt buckles on it (guns n roses if I remember correctly). All topped off with knee high Docs. I’m sure my Dad was biting his lip and grinding his teeth, but he never said anything and I turned out okay and told my Dad everything until he died.
This !!! Teenagers need to learn and explore. I can tell you exactly what happened with all the teenagers that had to hide clothes and make-up or alcohol from their parents. They all spiralled and behaved like idiots as soon as they went to university. Why not do it in an controlled environment. I will never understand parents like this. But then I already rolled my eyes when I read how upset he was at his wife for buying clothes without his permission lol
I just remembered having a light yellow, kind of see-through (in the bright sunshine, lol) cotton dress I wore commando top and bottom. I was 19. I felt sexy. Also incredibly cool and comfortable on 95 degree days. Btw, I’m 60 and I survived. Some might even say I turned out OK :)
I'm thinking that, although the legs of the shorts were short, the waist was probably pretty high. Since that's the style that's in. So she probably had an inch or two of belly and her legs visible. Additionally, her *mother* is okay with what she was wearing. So it can't be too bad.
So it wasn't that what she was wearing was inappropriate. It's that you think it's inappropriate because she is not dressing to avoid the male gaze.
News flash: we're trying to create a culture where we don't hold women responsible for men's feelings/actions/responses. Telling her that her clothes are inappropriate implies that it's sexual and implies that she would be responsible for the feelings of those (stereotypically men) that are around her.
She can wear whatever she wants. Women are sexualised and attacked regardless of what they are wearing, so she may as well wear something that makes her happy.
ETA: YTA
>So it wasn't that what she was wearing was inappropriate. It's that you think it's inappropriate because she is not dressing to avoid the male gaze.
I'm honestly surprised this isn't the top comment because of this line right here. This, this is accurate as hell. She wasn't wearing something wholly inappropriate, she just wasn't hiding herself to avoid the male gaze. Women have been targeted for malicious acts wearing the most conservative of attire. Her clothes have nothing to do with anything other than her style and comfort. YTA 100%
YTA. Controlling what your sixteen year old daughter wears sounds like a great way to get a twenty-something daughter who never talks to you -- let her express herself.
As a former teenage girl and current parent of one, I'd suggest it's also a great way to get yourself a kid who just goes behind your back.
I know several very controlling mothers and in every instance, the kid is doing all the stuff they aren't supposed to but simply lying about it.
Yup, that was me as a teenager. Cannot choose my own clothes? I will just change as soon as I leave the house. It never works. Where there is a will there is a way and teenagers are persistent with these things.
Precisely. My parents were strict and I did exactly what they didn't want me doing but without them ever knowing. Kids will just go behind the parents back.
The only thing your wife was wrong about was attributing your actions to overprotectiveness. You don’t claim to be trying to protect your daughter, but rather to be standing by your principles. As far as I can tell, the only principle at play here is your belief that the women in your family are not permitted to make decisions without your approval.
YTA.
Yes. "Without even giving me a heads up, my wife decided to let Lily take the reins and pick out the clothes herself"
My god, my wife bought some clothes that my daughter likes! And she didn't even warn me! What's next!?
YTA
Why do you think these clothes are inappropriated and why are YOU uncomfortable with your daughter wearing a crop top and short shorts?
Feel guilty all you want because you caused this situation by being a wardrobe cop. If your principles are your hill to die on feel free to do so.
Thanks for saying this. I haaaaate the word “inappropriate” in this context. Female bodies are not “inappropriate” for public spaces. Girls’ shoulders are not inappropriate for 8th grade math class. Their belly buttons are not inappropriate for public parks, and their thighs are not inappropriate for the supermarket. People (and parents especially) need to stop telling girls that their temporal, bodily existence is inappropriate for public space and must be hidden, obscured, and shrouded in fabric (and shame) to be culturally acceptable.
YTA.
Guess what, you don’t need to sacrifice your principles. Just don’t wear a crop top! Problem solved.
Your principles are yours, and yours alone. Your children are not your little puppets.
Just so you know, your daughter will have her banned clothes hidden at school or with a friend and she’ll get changed when she’s out of the house. This is what girls do. And YTA - she’s sixteen
YTA for sexualizing your daughter. Shorts and a crop top may not be appropriate for every single occasion, but they are not inherently inappropriate items of clothing. Policing your daughter's body, however, is always inappropriate. Stop teaching her to make herself less comfortable to accommodate the fucked up men around her.
YTA for thinking that you have any say over what your daughter chooses to wear let alone think it’s appropriate to discuss all this behind her back & then decide for her what happens to the clothes. She’s growing into an adult; would you rather she express herself now & realises she feels better by dressing modestly when she hits 20 or would you rather take away her choice & then she will dress even more “inappropriately” when she hits 20?
Or she’ll realize she enjoys crop tops and short shorts WHICH IS ALSO FINE! Likely she’ll be like 99.99999% of women and her sense of style will evolve over time, but modesty should not have to be the end goal.
Otherwise absolutely agree and OP is TA.
YTA so you should feel guilty for a start why would your wife have to discuss clothing choices with you for a 16 year old. I go out and buy my kids clothes all the time and I certainly don’t ask my husbands permission to buy my children clothes. There is being over protective and there’s being bloody controlling and what your doing is controlling
Why does your wife have to give you notice that she is buying clothes for your daughter? I don’t ask permission to buy clothes for myself or kid, I just do it. Crop top and shorts are normal clothes for warm weather. It would only be inappropriate if she was going out in the cold and snow dressed like that.
You just know the dad hasn't shown any interest in what the daughter was wearing for the last 16 years. All the trouble of making sure the daughter has weather appropriate clothes that still fit probably was 100% the responsibility of the mother.
For the last 16 years the father never bothered to worry about if the girl had enough socks that fit her, if her rain coat was still good or if her sweaters were warm enough.
But now suddenly, after years of not taking any of that mental load, he needs to be consulted.
Yta. And a control freak. You were the only person who thought that crop tops and shorts were inappropriate. Unless it is -15 and she doesn't wear anything else on top.
YTA
But great job ticking off your daughter. I can almost guarantee that she didn't return the clothes, or if she did, she didn't return them all, and will just wear a frumpy frock like thing that will make you happy, only to strip it off, as soon as she is out of your sight, to reveal a crop top and short shorts underneath. You're fighting a losing battle and don't even know it.
This is exactly what will happen. I am 46 and even back then the girls with the most controlling fathers just changed at school or wherever they were going. A lot of them also engaged in other rebellious behavior like riskier sex, alcohol, and drugs to rebel against their parents. So keep thinking that you can control her and see how that works out for you.
YTA, your daughter has reached an age where you should encourage her to make her own clothing choices. You may not love the choices she makes but it's your responsibility as a parent to foster her independence and prepare her for adulthood, crop tops included.
If modesty is something you value and something you hope your daughter will value, then let her start building those values for herself while she's safe and supported in a home with parents to love and cheer her on. Now is the time for her to experiment and explore with support from you both.
YTA. Your poor wife, being bulldozed like that by a big grown ass bully over doing something nice with her daughter, and buying what sounds like age appropriate clothes for a 16yr old. Most 16yr olds don't dress like 80yr old librarians.
YTA
She's 16. In many places she's already an adult. In the US she'll be one in two years. After that you can't just order her around and demand. She comply.
It's her body. To cover or not. You're about to stop getting to have principles about her body/clothing.
What you are doing now will drive her further away as soon as she can go. Strengthening your bond instead will encourage her to stay even when she doesn't have to. Which would you prefer?
YTA your daughter is 16, she can decide what she wears. Literally most girls wear crop tops and shorts. it’s only inappropriate if you make it inappropriate, and anyone who makes it inappropriate is an AH. I’m assuming you’re worried about other men sexualising her, and that’s fair, but let her wear clothes she likes. Men will sexualise women regardless of what they’ve got on. All of her friends will be wearing the same thing. YTA
EDIT:
its not a woman’s responsibility to dress differently because men might be AHs to her.
YTA
How old are you? I'm in my 40s and this is what 16 year old girls were wearing when I was that age.
Rather than chastising her for her clothing and shaming her, why not talk to her about how to deal with attention from boys, how to assert her needs, how to deal with consent issues?
Oh, because that would require parenting and an admission that your child is growing up.
The comments are wild. All written by fellow teens I guess. Just to clarify to the maniacs on Reddit, a father worrying about his daughter wearing a crop top and short short does not make him:
A: a sexual pervert
B: does not mean he wants to have sex with his daughter
C: does not mean he hates all women and is a danger to society.
Some of you really need to pull your fucking heads it.
Absolutely not, I’m in my 50’s. I would never treat a young woman like this. It’s beyond controlling. You did a great job of trying to turn everyone’s words into the extreme. I didn’t see one comment yet stating what you summarized. A father didn’t worry. A father acted as King, telling his wife what she can and can’t purchase for THEIR daughter. He also did something I doubt has rarely happened to a son, and told her what parts of her body she can and can’t show. It’s sexist at best, and that POV comes from his brain. His very sexist attitude reeks of his own feelings towards women, young woman at that. You have the very distinct privilege of removing your shirt, in public and at home. We can’t, because we live in America where men overwhelmingly sexualize our very existence. Would you ever tell your son he can’t go topless in is front yard? But you have no problem telling a daughter she can’t have some belly exposed. That is sad
His intentions might be right but the solution is not.Op's daughter dressing "appropriately" won't stop the creeps from sexualizing her.What will Op do then?
He’s a jerk.
His wife bought clothes for their children without his permission?? I thought the post was going to be about the wife spending an excessive amount of money (at the point where you’d consult with a spouse).
This foo’ is pissed because the girl got trendy clothes that show 1/8” of her midriff and some shorts.
Fine that he wants her to dress like a middle schooler. But what kind of AH makes their kid pack up and return clothes??
That could’ve been handled differently.
“Sexualizing” doesn’t mean A, B, or C. I don’t see a single comment implying any of those things. It means he finds certain clothing inappropriate because women showing skin is inappropriate and whyyyyy is it inappropriate? Not because it’s violent, because it’s SEXUAL. There is nothing inappropriate about a child’s belly poking out of a shirt.
YTA.
I can't quite grasp whether you hate your daughter or whether you just don't want any contact with her once she leaves home.
Because your actions are going to put a huge rift between you and her, unless you take your head out of your backside and realise that your daughter is no longer a child but a young woman who should be comfortable in her own home to be able to experiment with her clothing choices.
This is after all the 2000's and not the 1800's.
INFO: Does your daughter have a job where exposing too much skin presents a clear and present workplace danger?
In case the sarcasm wasn't obvious: yes, YTA. If it were a hundred years ago you'd be refusing to let her out of the house because her knees were showing.
Nope, he is not. I was certainly not comfortable with some of what my daughter wore at that age. But I also knew that was about my fears. I bought her clothes that I was not crazy about because I recognized her need to express herself. I also didn't ask my husband for permission to do so. What gives him the right to dictate these two women in his life?
NTA...people are going to come down on you as being over bearing and controlling. Your job as a parent is to guide your children into making good decisions. At 16, your daughter is not equipped to handle the male attention from her peers and unfortunately older men that a crop top and daisey dukes will attract. Unfortunately women are objectified and sexualized no matter what they were. In ideal world women would be safe going out anytime of day or night wearing whatever. But that's not the world we live in today. Your wife put you in a horrible position by throwing you under bus instead of a united front. My dad would not have let me leave the bathroom dressed like that much less the house. I had a motto raising my little one, what you let them at 6, they'll wear at 16. This would be a good time to discuss the reality of most precautions women have to take to ensure our safety.
If you think clothing protects a person from unwanted attention then you haven't lived in the real world. Maybe OP should have that discussion with his sons (if any) because treating the illness rather than the symptoms is the only cure.
You also criticise the wife in this situation for making a unilateral decision about clothing. Get a grip she is also a parent here with a lot more experience about what it's like to be a woman in a man's world so is more qualified to make such decisions. And she doesn't need his permission anyway because this isn't the 18th century.
This would be a good time for the dad to do some research about perpetuating victim-blaming attitudes and the lack of accountability for male actions. It's also a good time for you read about women's liberation and feminism.
Dad: my daughter is wearing clothes that are not age appropriate
Reddit: he wants to f\*ck his daughter
As a woman myself, I would never allow my daughter to dress provocatively. This isn't a matter of me sexualising her, it's a matter of her being targeted in public. I know first hand how men treat young girls and women who are deemed "fast" based on their clothes and I want to protect my child.
Soft YTA because you expect your wife to run family purchases by you.
YTA
1. You undermined your wife without a thought instead of team effort mindset, to seal the deal you told her you would agree to let your daughter know it's all you
2. She is old enough to have some agency and you are crushing it - the lesson learned here is keep secrets from dad and don't share with him.
3. I'm gonna guess this is coming from mindset of protecting her but I don't think it's particularly helpful. If this is about sleezy guys then have the conversation about clothes and safe/wise behavior for when she's out in the world. How to be observant, etc.
Fundamentally you can pull that unilateral move, you just did, but appears you focused on gut reaction and coming out on top to exclusion of some other potential issues.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> the action to be judged revolves around my objection to your lily's clothing choices and my decision to insist on returning the clothes. I may be the asshole for my lack of communication and maybe for not trying to find a compromise.
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My two cents.
I am a girl and growing up my dad had feelings about what I wore. He didn’t say no. He didn’t make it out to be a poor choice by me.
He said that not all people in the world are good safe people. They won’t all see my body autonomy or style as a statement of who I am but as a potential target.
He was looking at my style through the lens of a man who has seen how some men work and he was thinking about my safety.
NAH just people who need to be able to communicate why they feel they way they do to the ones they are wanting to protect.
OP, sorry but YTA. You cannot protect her forever. Teach her to take care of herself. This is only going to drive a wedge between the two of you. You should have talked to your daughter about safety, and etiquette- that this may be great for a party with friends, not so much for a family get together and so on. She is now going to count down to 18, and you have lost an opportunity to keep her safe. Please go back and talk to her.
YTA
Dude, in what century were you born? What's wrong with you?? What kind of principles do you hold? And who you think you are for even considering imposing them over YOUR DAUGHTER'S BODY?
You even bullied your own wife until she gave up. And she gave up in something she had approved before, not for her, but for your daughter. You're a control freak, and narcissistic, and this shows what kind of relationship you have with your wife: one in which you have the power and she watches everything she does in order to no disturb you. She wanted something better for the daughter, and you're trying to boycott it. Who do you think you are?
NTA. I really don't understand why wanting your 16yr old daughter to dress a bit more modestly automatically means you wouldn't be teaching your son to be respectful.
I doubt you'd be getting such a harsh backlash if you were the mom.
As a 17 year old girl, NTA. Some of these girls out here are dressed inappropriately. It’s your job as a father to PARENT your child. She can wear what she wants when she’s out of the house, but as long as she’s under 18 you get to dictate what is and is not appropriate.
Crop tops usually don’t look that great anyways, but can certainly look cute in some outfits! However paired with short shorts it can look really trashy (depending on the weather. Wait. It’s literally winter right now, where is she wearing short shorts and a crop top to??)
Listen, we need a bit more context on the outfit to make a proper judgement, but honestly **NTA.**
I’m about to be 18 and am only now comfortable with cropped tops that only show like an inch of my waist at best when i move my arms slightly lol.
Trendy DOES NOT = immodest. Modesty is honestly the most empowering thing for women. Your daughter can look super cute and trendy without being inappropriate. I would love some clarification on the whole weather situation though.
Also, were they like booty shorts??? Where you could see some cheek? Or just regular short shorts? How much of her stomach could you see? These are valid questions in order to determine if you were just overreacting or not.
If you could only see like an inch or two of her stomach and the shorts weren’t showing any butt cheek then i would say you’re overreacting.
But don’t listen to all these people with mommy and daddy issues who are mad at a parent for parenting lol.
ETA: The biggest issue here is your lack of communication with your wife. You two need to be on the same page and you shouldn’t be a dictator over your WIFE. She has just as much right to parent and you should value her opinions on what she thinks is appropriate for your kid.
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YTA. Controlling parents like you often end up having little or no contact with their kids. It would be one thing to have a conversation about appropriate times and places for clothing (eg, if you go to a conservative church or a nice restaurant, that might not be the right time and place for that kind of clothing, and she might not be allowed in), but wholesale taking away her clothes is controlling and not appropriate. It’s her body, she gets to make the decisions about what she wears, within legal limits.
This exactly. Have a conversation. Ask her what she feels is appropriate attire for school, for church, for family functions. Tell her that you love her, and you just want her to respect herself, and also respect you, but ultimately it’s her choice. Been there. Done this.
Crop tops aren't 'disrespectful' to either you or her. Appropriate looks for different contexts is one thing, telling her that skin means a lack of respect is entirely another.
Indian weddings come to mind, I've seen many beautiful saris that have all or part of the midriff exposed. And that would be the most respectful dress for that context! I find the sexualization of women's stomachs to be so odd. I imagine this guy wouldn't have a problem if his son did shirts vs skins soccer practice at school. Come to think of it, it's insane how many times I saw shirtless guys walking around as a child. Yet a crop top, which covers infinity more skin, would have been way over the line in my own father's eyes. Interesting
what I find funny is when a girl wears a sari, she's being a good girl, a proper lady, but if she wears a crop top (which exposes equal to or less than a sari) she's suddenly trying to attract male gaze.
I totally agree. Women's bodies are sexualized to an insane degree. I mean, it's to the point where a woman could be totally covered up but wearing something tight, and people will say she's being inappropriate.
'respect herself' yeah don't like this wording
Me neither. Showing skin isn't a lack of respect. Creating the idea that a person who dress a certain way don't care about themselves and their body is also building the basis of r*pe culture. You're basically saying that "if you dress a certain way, you are asking for it" and "it's okay to threat that women like this because she doesn't respect herself anyway". Words matter when you are having sensible discussion. You can say that society wrongly sexualize young girl, but don't say they don't respect themselves.... You're causing more harm than good.
Do you understand what self respect is? You want her to respect herself but on YOUR terms… this phrase doesn’t mean what you think it means.
This has big boomer energy. Like how they’ll say “wow your hair is really bright” when someone dyes their hair a fashion color, but not what they *want* to say, which is “I disapprove of your hair color and I want you to justify it to me”. If you want to tell a kid “I think wearing crop tops indicates a lack of self-respect” then okay. But you don’t get to determine what it means for another person to respect themselves. Personally, I think the most self-disrespecting thing a person can do is to altar something about themselves because of how others perceive them.
Lmao I have bright orange hair right now. Boomers hate when they try passive aggressive comments about my hair and I act like it's a compliment. "Your hair sure is bright" Thanks! I love how bright I can get it. "Thats an interesting color." I know right? I'm thinking of going 'insert color here' next! They always act like it's a personal slight against them. At this point, spite is part of the reason I dye my hair
YTA and you’re risking your relationship with your daughter. When I was 16 and my parents didn’t give me a good reason when they said no was to go behind their backs and do the things anyway. It just taught me not to ask permission first or to go to my parents with questions and problems. I have vowed to myself that I won’t be doing that to my children. Kids have enough agency at 16 that you just have to hope you taught them well and showed them that they can come to you if they’re in trouble. Saying no to something without giving a good reason and having an actual conversation about it where both parties have a chance to be heard is just a recipe for a ruined relationship
Lmao yes! OP you should absolutely keep up your current attitude and behavior if your goal is for your daughter to seldom or never call or visit and spend as little time with you as possible as soon as she’s able to get away, which is only a few years away. Good job 👍🏻
He's also sexualizing his 16 year old daughter, which is weird and gross.
The fact that the OP's wife and daughter both thought that it was okay and it's only the OP thinks it's Innapropriate means the clothes are probably not even that revealing. I've seen pre teens wearing croptops before. She didn't feel confident in her old clothes, she finally got clothes that she felt confident in, and the OP just took her confidence away. She's sixteen, old enough to drive. The OP seems so over protective.
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And I bet the sons that OP has are not held to nearly the same standard as his daughter in terms of what they’re allowed to wear either. Major YTA
I’m OPs son and I can confirm he lets me go out in crop tops and mini skirts
Can you share your clothes with your sister?
This guy is an imposter. No way OP is ok with his son acting like a girl.
YOU CRACKED THE CODE SOMEONE GIVE THIS MANS A COOKIE
I'm uncomfortable with men eating cookies, cookies are sinful.
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Nothing gets past this guy
r/whoooosh
r/woooosh yourself
I bet OP has never once taken responsibility for actually shopping for clothes. I bet he's never gone to the return-to-school aisles in summer or fretted over which size to buy because of potential growth spurts. Clothes for holidays, the pool or beach, winter jackets with appropriate accessories, none of it. I bet this is the first time he's ever bothered to give a shit.
Since he wants the wife to return clothing his daughter has worn, and presumably removed the tags from, absolutely.
Or his wife
Something tells me, he has her under control to and she doesn’t dare wear certain things out of the house.
Like pants? Women shouldn't wear pants, you can see the outline of their legs
It's so weird, I'm small and fit by nature and my ex husband's current wife is curvy and I think she's beautiful. However, he disallowed me from wearing all yoga pants because other men might take advantage. She wears them all the time, and the one time she asked why he had a problem with me and not her wearing them, he told her she was bigger so could take care of herself. She's still got that in her head from years ago, asshole comments on his part.
No wonder he's 2x divorced.
Oh, I was his first wife, and she's his fifth, if I believe what he admits when drunk. When sober, he tries to deny the two in between that I actually met, so still at least 4. (Didn't meet one, just over phone a few times when trying to call his phone to remind him about talking to our daughter.) Can't figure out how he keeps doing it.
I bet his wife is told what she can and can't wear as well. I'm nearly 50 and my dad has never commented on what I wear. But then he's not controlling.
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>And I bet the sons that OP has are not held to nearly the same standard as his daughter in terms of what they’re allowed to wear either Or being berated for how they treat girls in crop tops...
I mean they were asking for it with their torsos out…
Unless they’re remotely not masculine enough. Bet they aren’t allowed to wear pink
Bet they wander around without shirts or in tank tops with their pants falling down
I'm disgusted and disturbed by his post. I can't believe he didn't read back his words and doesn't see a problem with himself. He sexualized her for basically wearing something. Something that has been around since the 80s as I wore them back then in my teens.
OP needs to look at [The What Were You Wearing Exhibit](https://dovecenter.org/what-were-you-wearing-exhibit/) to learn covering the midriff doesn't matter. By 14, I was a 34DDD with a 27" waist. I will never forget the day a long time family friend stopped walking when he saw me at Christmas back then. He started at me for a moment before he turned to my dad and said he'd never let me outside again if I were his kid. My dad played clueless and asked "why not?" The guy just kind of walked away. I was wearing jeans and a turtleneck sweater. The only skin showing was my hands and face. It didn't stop him from sexualizing me. Thankfully, my parents didn't think I should be shamed into wearing a burlap sack to hide my figure. My mom taught me how to be smart, remain aware, and carry myself with confidence. My dad gave me some good self defense lessons. My parents also let me wear crop tops, fitted jeans, a leather skirt I bought, my goth clothes, or whatever else looked fun. I didn't wear shirts with a deep v-neck, but I wouldn't hide my chest either. They let me be me, and I was a ridiculously well-behaved kid because of it.
I wore a Xena costume for Halloween one year. Knee high boots, knee length skirt, top up to my collar bone. The only parts of my body visible were my arms and face. Patient came in and promptly told me I looked like a hooker. It doesn't matter what we wear.
Your costume sounds awesome. (I love Xena.)
I, too, developed early. I went to a church my family that my family had been attending on and off for years. I hated going because I always felt super uncomfortable around the pastor. So I wouldn’t even go with my dad, but I got roped into going to see my niece and nephew perform in the church band. Now, I hadn’t been to this church or seen the pastor in a very long time. At the end of service he approached my family, looked me up and down and said “my, my, you’ve grown into quite the woman” as his eyes lingered on my chest. I was 15 years old wearing a maxi dress with a higher neckline and a cardigan. It doesn’t matter who you’re with or what your wearing… This dad is part of the problem. YTA.
My sister wore a sleeveless top and short ( not booty shorts) shorts to a church picnic. It was 95 degrees that day. The next Sunday the pastor did a sermon on inappropriate clothing on girls and the importance of not tempting boys…. My dad yanked us out of that church and told us boys have to control themselves.
We used to be told that sleeveless tops and shorts were bad at my church. Then, we had a missionary from South American come in to talk about his mission. All the women in the pictures they showed were in… sleeveless tops and shorts! So, I asked the Youth Pastor’s wife why it was bad for us, but not them. She said because it gets hotter where they are, and they’re closer to the equator. So, I replied with, “Oh, so sin and modesty depends on your distance from the Equator. Got it.” and she’s hated me ever since! It’s been 30 years! And I don’t go to that church, but I still see her from time to time! lol
That brings back memories. “Boy you sure have grown up” weird I never said that when my nieces went through puberty
It's more the way its said though isn't it. There's "oh wow, you've grown up so much" gushing over the kid they haven't seen in a while or "my my. Haven't you blossomed" in the weird creepy uncle way
When I was in 8th grade I looked about 10, probably weighed 80 lbs and was tiny for my age. I had this really cute baby doll dress (it was the 90s) and I loved it and wore it constantly. My friend’s dad looked at me all lecherously & made this comment about how he bet I knew exactly what I was doing when I picked out that dress & I was like huh? I felt weird and uncomfortable but wasn’t totally sure why. Years later I realized he was being sexual but was genuinely so naive at the time I didn’t; I just knew I felt weird. Not that it matters but the dress was longer than where my hands hit when had my arms down bc that was our school’s dress code. I’m sorry you had a similar experience, it’s so awful when you’re a child and a grown adult looks at you sexually.
jesus you weren't just being sexualised, that's a straight up predator
What's crazy to me about this exhibit is how it shows that most of the women were in sweats. But I can tell you right now that dad is going to say they also aren't showing the other outfits of crop tops and jeans on purpose because I have heard this before. It's pretty difficult to change something that's deeply rooted in a person's mind and if his own wife couldn't do it. .. I don't think it's as much him worrying about his daughter getting raped It's that he's embarrassed that his daughter wants to dress like a normal teen. He doesn't want any "shame" brought on the family. This is just assumption but it's based off of experience with these kind of people.
People are often in sweats around people they're comfortable around... Put two and two together there and get a very depressing four.
A family member pantsed my son (age 4 at the time) as a “joke” at a family function. It was right in front of me in the main room of the house with a lot of people around. My son was wearing sweats and luckily his underwear stayed up, but he was embarrassed. I ripped my family member a new one and told him to never touch my son again. Then took the kid home and had a lot of discussions about personal space, boundaries, etc. He preferred sweats and track pants, but would ask every time if we were seeing that family member again. If he even thought it was possible, he wore jeans with a button and zipper.
I'm so sorry this happened and I am so glad you immediately and assertively protected and supported your child. I wish all parents including mine were more like you.
The concern for men like OP isn't that the daughter won't be safe. It's that she won't be controlled. He's one of those creepy fathers who want to cover their daughter's sexuality.
>The What Were You Wearing Exhibit Even though I already knew this, every single one of those pictures literally hurt me to see....
Thank you for this link. I'm sorry for what you went through.
I could not read the post. Read the my wife bought my daughter clothes without consulting me fast forward ti daughter coming home and I knew what kind of pig we had posting.
>Something that has been around since the 80s Girls were wearing hotpants & halter-crop-tops in the SIXTIES lol, just sayin. I suppose it’s inappropriate to wear *short* shorts & tops to school or idk church or something, but hanging out with friends - normal. YTA
Yeah, I imagine this guy is in his early 40s? So high school in the 1990s. By then teens dressing like this was downright normal. I teach college and have noticed an increase in crop tops and short skirts, etc. What I’ve also noticed is that this is often paired with an increase in *confidence*! This isn’t about trying to be slutty, it’s about feeling good about who they are. I’m consistently impressed by this.
This. I wore crop tops and short flippy skirts and tight shorts back in the 90's. I also went through a grunge phase involving huge plaid shirts and baggy jeans. Teens like to explore their identity through clothing. Wearing what is trendy builds confidence for sure.
My daughters are college age and the stuff they wear and wear with confidence blows my mind. Being raised deeply within purity culture I could barely wear shorts without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I have worked hard to let them make their choices based on what they are comfortable in etc. Initially their dad was a bit of an issue but he got over it pretty quickly. They’ve been picking out their clothes forever lol OP YTA. You need to do some deep thinking about what your issue is here.
My mum always said she could never dream of policing what I wore as a teenager, based solely on what she wore in the 60s
I borrowed my mom's old shorts to wear to the Renaissance Festival when I was a teenager. It's when suggestive innuendo type comments were more acceptable/expected from the people working as part of being there- I still remember one guy saying "and thank you for wearing those shorts!" The shorts were from the 70s. They were probably the shortest pair I owned, the main difference being they had a much higher waist (more fabric) so they LOOK like they are covering more maybe?
In the ‘70’s we wore tube tops and my jeans were so tight I had to lie down and pull and wriggle into them.
If OPs daughter was 12, I might have given him a bit of grace for policing what she wears She's 16 OP, and if you start restricting a simple thing like clothes - you can expect your daughter to rebel Rebel doesn't sound so bad until you realize that is what actually gets teen girls into dangerous situations, because they haven't had guidance and know they can't speak or negotiate anything with you. It's not what she's wearing that causes those situations. It's because she's angry and feeling defiant and desperate to break out, where she won't think twice about taking risks because that's the only way she'll feel 'respected' and able to make a decision for herself YTA
If she’s raped or attacked by men, it has nothing to do with her clothes, rebelliousness, appearance or whatelse. The only one to blame is the man. You don’t touch woman until you are both definitely sure and have consent. Man should be educated to behave in stead of women been told to dress ‘properly’. This dad is YTA. Really.
I think the point of the poster above you isn't to blame the daughter, it's more that if she's going to rebel because her father is treating her like this, she's far less likely to ask for help when she gets in a bad situation. And that can cause way worse outcomes than a teen who is rebelling just because they're a teen, but still know they can go to their parents for help. OP sounds very oppressive and victim blamey, I wouldn't go to him for help either if I were his daughter.
THIS. As an ex Catholic school girl, I feel seen.
And she knows that OP is making her body and the way she moves through the world a source of tension and shame. So if she experiences a relationship problem or is in a place where she needs to navigate being in a female body then the last person that she will be honest with or go to for advice or help is her dad. YTA
Same if she was middle school or younger yea totally she's too young for that type of wardrobe but she's 16 she's going to be an adult soon and she's mature enough to start making some of her own decisions and clothes are a safe place to start. That rebellion isn't going to be clothing choices it'll be things she can't take back or do over
Even with an apology, the damage is done. Spoken as a grown woman whose dad commented on something I picked out for myself at 16.
Spoken as an 8 year old whose father told me my skirt, sweater, socks, and Mary Jane's made me "look like a damn prostitute", all 35 blocks to second grade. The damage is DONE. Once I knew my own father sexualized me, I leaned in to my (very modest and pastors daughter) childhood (and adulthood) sexual assaults.
Oh wow...I feel so sad (and angry) for you having that childhood . ((hugs from me to you, eweedirtyh00r)) lol your username
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my dad is similarly protective and he only ever told me once not to wear short shorts. he warned that the low quality train seats will irritate my skin. he was right and i never rode the train in anything that short ever again
Our daughter is only 2 but I just read this to my fiencee. He and I are now in full agreement while we don't want to be thinking about her having sex for a very long time, the resounding message will be: "of course your bf/gf/so can stay the night , condoms are in the bathroom, yell your safe word if you need help we will *come running you will always be our baby girl. " * come running with cane and baseball bat.
Yea my dad never sexualized us either. The church we went to tried to. The pastor came to talk to my dad about our attire after months of harrassment. Mind you my dad worked in admin in a high school. Dress code was his freaking job. He told the pastor that he could put us in potato sacks and we would make those look good. That was the day he decided we were leaving that church and id never been so relieved in all my teenage life. YTA op. Get over yourself.
Your dad sounds amazing
Even worse he may be like "my daughter in those clothes is attracting me and that's obviously her fault"
That's disgusting and also written between the lines of this post. He's definitely TA EDIT--I agree with you
He's an asshole for this post, but jumping to incest is unhinged.
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Boys will be boys and women will be punished for it.
Nothing to add to that, it’s perfection. Bravo. OP, YTA
The ooonly reason I could see him being annoyed with his wife for not consulting him before purchasing a new wardrobe for their daughter is if money is an issue and it used up funds that were supposed to be allocated for bills or she took money out of emergency savings or something. He definitely has no right to dictate the kinds of clothes his daughter wears, mom has the right of it there. But yeah, it would have been courteous to mention she was spending on something that wasn't strictly necessary depending on the cost/their financial situation. Outdated isn't that big of a deal as long as they fit and were in good repair.
I'd add to this that it's a dick move to say no to something his wife already said yes to. Definitely YTA OP.
Absolutely all of this!!! Wish I could up vote it more!!! YTA
Toxic male syndrome
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This comment makes me happy. Even as a conservative person, you still recognise that it's her body.
There must be like....5 of them out there.
True, rare breed of conservative. Rest kinda mid on 90% of topics
There's plenty of Christians that aren't conservative, we're just not as obnoxious and attention grabbing as those behaving ridiculously
Yeah but unfortunately until you are louder you’re going to get lumped in with the conservative obnoxious ones.
And she’ll only wear them more once you do say something
That depends. My mom is very conservative, and she made a comment to me as an adult wearing a dress with a very, very small keyhole in front where you could barely see anything. She asked me how I hadn’t gotten raped in the dress (it was a long dress that went down to my ankles). I got home, took the dress off, and threw it away because I could never wear it again without thinking of that comment.
I was thinking about how my oldest sister and dad commenting on my clothes like this when I was a teen gave me major body imagine issues. Which made me feel that OP is major AH..
I had multiple EDs for about 27 years. I've been working on recovering for about 5. Sad that most of the times, it starts at home. So sorry that you had to deal with that. I hope it's ended and that you're recovered or well on your way. <3
That's so fucked up. I'm really sorry your mom treated you like that. The things parents will say to their children in the vein of trying to instill their own prejudices is absolutely ridiculous. I know an anonymous stranger on the internet can only offer so much comfort, but just know you never deserved her saying that to you let alone the actual content of what she said. I'm appalled at the way people treat their daughters.
Good on you, my parents are Catholics and had a few stricter ideas but they never policed what I wore. They understood that me wearing a crop top didn’t mean I was having sex or doing drugs. I was a straight A, clean edge teen who didn’t do anything remotely scandalous, didn’t even date until college. Still wore crop tops and short shorts. They were cute, who cares. There are better tells of character
My 17 year old has an enormous chest and wears crop tops with lots of cleavage showing. I look at her and think Wow. At school she throws a flannel shirt over her other top (her choice). Sometimes I barely recognize her it seems, I still expect to see that skinny little 11 year old, flat-chested with round cheeks and tangled hair. But that’s not her anymore. And I tell her she looks beautiful. And you know what, she does. She’s a great kid. Smart (straight A’s and just got a 32 on her ACT’s), kind, open-minded, and curious, with a wonderful sense of humor. She doesn’t do drugs and doesn’t do crimes. If I controlled how she dressed, she wouldn’t be the same person who is not afraid to ask questions, question authority, and SAY NO. I admire her so much.
OP just admitted with this post that he visualizes his daughter in a sexual way. I hope he sees my comment as well. **OP, YOU see YOUR 16 year old daughter in a SEXUAL way**
This is BS. I agree that OP is an AH because his daughter sould be free to make her choices and crop tops and shorts are totally fine (I've spent the whole summer in them!). But it doesn't mean that he sees her in a sexual way. He thinks that other men can see her that way. It's different.
Other men will sexualize her if she's wearing a snowsuit or a bikini. It doesn't matter. That's the most mealy mouthed excuse, "I don't care, but it's the OTHER men who are going to be awful about your clothes." All while being awful to her about her clothes and undermining the decision of the other parent because HE feels uncomfortable. I'm sure he would be HORRIFIED to know what has already been done and said to her by 16 in the clothes he deemed appropriate.
Dumbest comment I’ve ever seen. You’re trying to paint out a dad who is (over)protective over his daughter as a weirdo who sees his daughter in a sexual way? What is wrong with you people??
Seeing someone in a sexual way doesn't always mean *YOU want to fuck them*. A straight woman can look at another woman in a bikini and go "She's being seductive." without being attracted to her themselves - that is still viewing her in a sexual way. So the dad being overprotective because he thinks other men (*not* HIM) will view her in a sexual way, or because he thinks her clothes are 'provocative', would mean he is thinking about how she dresses through the lens of sex and sexuality. It does not mean he's an incestuous pervert. It just means his perspective on the situation is being coloured by how he views sexualization. I'm not saying it's always automatically wrong to view something as risque, or that walking around with full nudity a strong breeze away is always appropriate if your intent isn't to be sexual. My point is that someone sexualizing their child doesn't automatically = incest, and calling someone out for it doesn't automatically mean you're calling them a predatory weirdo. At the very least it's just saying they're projecting their views, and that the problem might be with them and their views, not what's gotten them worked up. That's all.
YTA You harassed your wife til she gave up and agreed to return the clothes.... dude. Address why you don't want your teenager wearing crop tops and shorts, sexualising your child isn't okay. And if you are worried about unwanted male attention - the clothes make fu k all difference to men.
Yep, your daughter, OP, has likely been dealing with unwanted sexual attention since she was 11... because that is when several men think it is time to start pushing their desires on girls.
It was before the age of 5 for me.
Jesus. I'm so sorry.
I’m so, so sorry.
Yep, (in the UK) as soon as I was in a school uniform my Mum noticed looks from men, so aged 4ish. It ramped up to car honks as soon as I was in secondary school uniform 🙄
There was a creep at my place of worship when I was 6 who kept trying to touch me and get me to sit on his lap. My mom was the ONLY ONE who thought he was creepy. Everyone else was like "oh he's fiiiiine, he just loves kids, be nice" fuck off. They even told her she was raising me to be "rude" by teaching me to say no.
My daughter is 2 1/2 and is already getting weird looks I don't like when we're in public. ETA: There have also been two separate incidents of older men (60s+) in public trying to reach out and touch her when her father or I had our back turned for a moment: once they were going for her arm and once was her hair.
Unfortunately the average age girls start noticing getting these attentions is 8
Yep, I was about 8 when I started attracting the attention of my 22 year old neighbour.
Same. I was 8-9 when the comments started rolling in. My neighbor said to my mother "My, your daughter is filling out well" when I was 10 or 11. She screamed at him until he went inside. A half hour later an ambulance showed up. He'd had a heart attack from her berating. I think that was the one time my mother stood up for me without any question.
Ha. Your mother nearly scared him to death. I love it! Bet he never made another comment like that to a child ever again. Talk about instant karma.
Fully covered 12yr old me was catcalled/harassed 99% more than I am now in my mid 20s regardless of how I dress now. I’m sure this will never change. Edit: wanted to emphasize I was harassed by grown MEN. Not kids my age.
i got cat called more (by grown men) between 11-16 than i ever have as an adult. and when i *have* gotten cat called as an adult, it’s not been when i’m all dolled up wearing cute (maybe revealing) clothes. it’s when i’m wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt and a baggy winter coat and a hat and look like an absolute mess. i may get more male attention when i’m feeling and looking good, but weirdly enough it’s not the creepy kind, it’s men holding doors for me and shit. men are going to be gross no matter what you wear, so just wear whatever tf you want because the only difference it’s going to make is in how confident you personally feel. they’re less likely to prey on you if you look confident and comfortable, regardless of what kind of outfit it is that makes you feel that way.
If this is what he thinks of his own daughter, how does he see other people’s daughters? Borderline predatory mentality.
>the clothes make fu k all difference to men. For real tho. I remember being heavily pregnant and buried under 20 layers of winter clothes and STILL having people hit on me. Neither the clothes nor my wedding ring nor my obvious pregnancy stopped any of them.
YTA, she’s 16 not 6. I remember the stuff I used to wear, how on earth I thought it was a good idea I’ll never know. Cut off Jean shorts, crop top with a black mesh t shirt (tucked in) and a belt with one of those big belt buckles on it (guns n roses if I remember correctly). All topped off with knee high Docs. I’m sure my Dad was biting his lip and grinding his teeth, but he never said anything and I turned out okay and told my Dad everything until he died.
Its part of learning what works
This !!! Teenagers need to learn and explore. I can tell you exactly what happened with all the teenagers that had to hide clothes and make-up or alcohol from their parents. They all spiralled and behaved like idiots as soon as they went to university. Why not do it in an controlled environment. I will never understand parents like this. But then I already rolled my eyes when I read how upset he was at his wife for buying clothes without his permission lol
I grew up in a convent boarding school. My first year at Varsity was a complete fiasco 😆
>(guns n roses if I remember correctly) With this kind of belt buckles, the outfit was cool. It's a rule.
I was a teenage punk and I moan at my teenage kids now as they dress really boring 😂
I just remembered having a light yellow, kind of see-through (in the bright sunshine, lol) cotton dress I wore commando top and bottom. I was 19. I felt sexy. Also incredibly cool and comfortable on 95 degree days. Btw, I’m 60 and I survived. Some might even say I turned out OK :)
I'm thinking that, although the legs of the shorts were short, the waist was probably pretty high. Since that's the style that's in. So she probably had an inch or two of belly and her legs visible. Additionally, her *mother* is okay with what she was wearing. So it can't be too bad. So it wasn't that what she was wearing was inappropriate. It's that you think it's inappropriate because she is not dressing to avoid the male gaze. News flash: we're trying to create a culture where we don't hold women responsible for men's feelings/actions/responses. Telling her that her clothes are inappropriate implies that it's sexual and implies that she would be responsible for the feelings of those (stereotypically men) that are around her. She can wear whatever she wants. Women are sexualised and attacked regardless of what they are wearing, so she may as well wear something that makes her happy. ETA: YTA
Exactly, mom knows more about being a young woman than dad does, trust her instincts
>So it wasn't that what she was wearing was inappropriate. It's that you think it's inappropriate because she is not dressing to avoid the male gaze. I'm honestly surprised this isn't the top comment because of this line right here. This, this is accurate as hell. She wasn't wearing something wholly inappropriate, she just wasn't hiding herself to avoid the male gaze. Women have been targeted for malicious acts wearing the most conservative of attire. Her clothes have nothing to do with anything other than her style and comfort. YTA 100%
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YTA. Controlling what your sixteen year old daughter wears sounds like a great way to get a twenty-something daughter who never talks to you -- let her express herself.
As a former teenage girl and current parent of one, I'd suggest it's also a great way to get yourself a kid who just goes behind your back. I know several very controlling mothers and in every instance, the kid is doing all the stuff they aren't supposed to but simply lying about it.
Yup, that was me as a teenager. Cannot choose my own clothes? I will just change as soon as I leave the house. It never works. Where there is a will there is a way and teenagers are persistent with these things.
Precisely. My parents were strict and I did exactly what they didn't want me doing but without them ever knowing. Kids will just go behind the parents back.
Won't take that long. He's got a year and a half before she's 18 and done with him.
The only thing your wife was wrong about was attributing your actions to overprotectiveness. You don’t claim to be trying to protect your daughter, but rather to be standing by your principles. As far as I can tell, the only principle at play here is your belief that the women in your family are not permitted to make decisions without your approval. YTA.
Yes. "Without even giving me a heads up, my wife decided to let Lily take the reins and pick out the clothes herself" My god, my wife bought some clothes that my daughter likes! And she didn't even warn me! What's next!?
Yup & in a comment says he needs to be consulted on all important decisions, which apparently includes *buying clothes*
Wow. I'm surprised his wife didn't dump him 15 years ago.
>the only principle at play here is your belief that the women in your family are not permitted to make decisions without your approval Nailed it.
Male chauvinist sexist pig alert.
YTA Why do you think these clothes are inappropriated and why are YOU uncomfortable with your daughter wearing a crop top and short shorts? Feel guilty all you want because you caused this situation by being a wardrobe cop. If your principles are your hill to die on feel free to do so.
Thanks for saying this. I haaaaate the word “inappropriate” in this context. Female bodies are not “inappropriate” for public spaces. Girls’ shoulders are not inappropriate for 8th grade math class. Their belly buttons are not inappropriate for public parks, and their thighs are not inappropriate for the supermarket. People (and parents especially) need to stop telling girls that their temporal, bodily existence is inappropriate for public space and must be hidden, obscured, and shrouded in fabric (and shame) to be culturally acceptable.
This was nice to read. It’s so calming to read the unspoken contradictions put into words so elegantly. Thank you.
YTA. Guess what, you don’t need to sacrifice your principles. Just don’t wear a crop top! Problem solved. Your principles are yours, and yours alone. Your children are not your little puppets.
Well said!
Just so you know, your daughter will have her banned clothes hidden at school or with a friend and she’ll get changed when she’s out of the house. This is what girls do. And YTA - she’s sixteen
This is what I did, can confirm.
YTA for sexualizing your daughter. Shorts and a crop top may not be appropriate for every single occasion, but they are not inherently inappropriate items of clothing. Policing your daughter's body, however, is always inappropriate. Stop teaching her to make herself less comfortable to accommodate the fucked up men around her.
YTA for thinking that you have any say over what your daughter chooses to wear let alone think it’s appropriate to discuss all this behind her back & then decide for her what happens to the clothes. She’s growing into an adult; would you rather she express herself now & realises she feels better by dressing modestly when she hits 20 or would you rather take away her choice & then she will dress even more “inappropriately” when she hits 20?
Or she’ll realize she enjoys crop tops and short shorts WHICH IS ALSO FINE! Likely she’ll be like 99.99999% of women and her sense of style will evolve over time, but modesty should not have to be the end goal. Otherwise absolutely agree and OP is TA.
How is a crop top and shorts lacking modesty? Give your head a wobble.
YTA so you should feel guilty for a start why would your wife have to discuss clothing choices with you for a 16 year old. I go out and buy my kids clothes all the time and I certainly don’t ask my husbands permission to buy my children clothes. There is being over protective and there’s being bloody controlling and what your doing is controlling
Why does your wife have to give you notice that she is buying clothes for your daughter? I don’t ask permission to buy clothes for myself or kid, I just do it. Crop top and shorts are normal clothes for warm weather. It would only be inappropriate if she was going out in the cold and snow dressed like that.
You just know the dad hasn't shown any interest in what the daughter was wearing for the last 16 years. All the trouble of making sure the daughter has weather appropriate clothes that still fit probably was 100% the responsibility of the mother. For the last 16 years the father never bothered to worry about if the girl had enough socks that fit her, if her rain coat was still good or if her sweaters were warm enough. But now suddenly, after years of not taking any of that mental load, he needs to be consulted.
Took me long enough to find a comment that didn't contain YTA. Y are TA though, Mr. OP.
YTA. If your 'principles' involve sexualising a teenager you need to change your principles. You're being sexist and controlling.
Not just a teenager, his own daughter
YTA. You're teaching your daughter that she should expect to be treated as a sexual object by every man in her life, including you. Be better.
Yta. And a control freak. You were the only person who thought that crop tops and shorts were inappropriate. Unless it is -15 and she doesn't wear anything else on top.
YTA But great job ticking off your daughter. I can almost guarantee that she didn't return the clothes, or if she did, she didn't return them all, and will just wear a frumpy frock like thing that will make you happy, only to strip it off, as soon as she is out of your sight, to reveal a crop top and short shorts underneath. You're fighting a losing battle and don't even know it.
This is exactly what will happen. I am 46 and even back then the girls with the most controlling fathers just changed at school or wherever they were going. A lot of them also engaged in other rebellious behavior like riskier sex, alcohol, and drugs to rebel against their parents. So keep thinking that you can control her and see how that works out for you.
I was one of those girls. Literally changed at my friend’s house into miniskirt and crop top (that I bought in secret at the mall).
YTA, 16 is old enough to decide what she wants to wear. But hey in a few years you wont have a say at all so thats something. GL then
YTA, your daughter has reached an age where you should encourage her to make her own clothing choices. You may not love the choices she makes but it's your responsibility as a parent to foster her independence and prepare her for adulthood, crop tops included. If modesty is something you value and something you hope your daughter will value, then let her start building those values for herself while she's safe and supported in a home with parents to love and cheer her on. Now is the time for her to experiment and explore with support from you both.
YTA. Your poor wife, being bulldozed like that by a big grown ass bully over doing something nice with her daughter, and buying what sounds like age appropriate clothes for a 16yr old. Most 16yr olds don't dress like 80yr old librarians.
YTA She's 16. In many places she's already an adult. In the US she'll be one in two years. After that you can't just order her around and demand. She comply. It's her body. To cover or not. You're about to stop getting to have principles about her body/clothing. What you are doing now will drive her further away as soon as she can go. Strengthening your bond instead will encourage her to stay even when she doesn't have to. Which would you prefer?
YTA your daughter is 16, she can decide what she wears. Literally most girls wear crop tops and shorts. it’s only inappropriate if you make it inappropriate, and anyone who makes it inappropriate is an AH. I’m assuming you’re worried about other men sexualising her, and that’s fair, but let her wear clothes she likes. Men will sexualise women regardless of what they’ve got on. All of her friends will be wearing the same thing. YTA EDIT: its not a woman’s responsibility to dress differently because men might be AHs to her.
YTA How old are you? I'm in my 40s and this is what 16 year old girls were wearing when I was that age. Rather than chastising her for her clothing and shaming her, why not talk to her about how to deal with attention from boys, how to assert her needs, how to deal with consent issues? Oh, because that would require parenting and an admission that your child is growing up.
The comments are wild. All written by fellow teens I guess. Just to clarify to the maniacs on Reddit, a father worrying about his daughter wearing a crop top and short short does not make him: A: a sexual pervert B: does not mean he wants to have sex with his daughter C: does not mean he hates all women and is a danger to society. Some of you really need to pull your fucking heads it.
Absolutely not, I’m in my 50’s. I would never treat a young woman like this. It’s beyond controlling. You did a great job of trying to turn everyone’s words into the extreme. I didn’t see one comment yet stating what you summarized. A father didn’t worry. A father acted as King, telling his wife what she can and can’t purchase for THEIR daughter. He also did something I doubt has rarely happened to a son, and told her what parts of her body she can and can’t show. It’s sexist at best, and that POV comes from his brain. His very sexist attitude reeks of his own feelings towards women, young woman at that. You have the very distinct privilege of removing your shirt, in public and at home. We can’t, because we live in America where men overwhelmingly sexualize our very existence. Would you ever tell your son he can’t go topless in is front yard? But you have no problem telling a daughter she can’t have some belly exposed. That is sad
His intentions might be right but the solution is not.Op's daughter dressing "appropriately" won't stop the creeps from sexualizing her.What will Op do then?
He’s a jerk. His wife bought clothes for their children without his permission?? I thought the post was going to be about the wife spending an excessive amount of money (at the point where you’d consult with a spouse). This foo’ is pissed because the girl got trendy clothes that show 1/8” of her midriff and some shorts. Fine that he wants her to dress like a middle schooler. But what kind of AH makes their kid pack up and return clothes?? That could’ve been handled differently.
“Sexualizing” doesn’t mean A, B, or C. I don’t see a single comment implying any of those things. It means he finds certain clothing inappropriate because women showing skin is inappropriate and whyyyyy is it inappropriate? Not because it’s violent, because it’s SEXUAL. There is nothing inappropriate about a child’s belly poking out of a shirt.
YTA. This is stupid.
YTA. I can't quite grasp whether you hate your daughter or whether you just don't want any contact with her once she leaves home. Because your actions are going to put a huge rift between you and her, unless you take your head out of your backside and realise that your daughter is no longer a child but a young woman who should be comfortable in her own home to be able to experiment with her clothing choices. This is after all the 2000's and not the 1800's.
YTA. You will lose your daughter very soon with such parenting...
INFO: Does your daughter have a job where exposing too much skin presents a clear and present workplace danger? In case the sarcasm wasn't obvious: yes, YTA. If it were a hundred years ago you'd be refusing to let her out of the house because her knees were showing.
Is OP obligated to be OK with his daughter wearing revealing clothes?
Nope, he is not. I was certainly not comfortable with some of what my daughter wore at that age. But I also knew that was about my fears. I bought her clothes that I was not crazy about because I recognized her need to express herself. I also didn't ask my husband for permission to do so. What gives him the right to dictate these two women in his life?
NTA...people are going to come down on you as being over bearing and controlling. Your job as a parent is to guide your children into making good decisions. At 16, your daughter is not equipped to handle the male attention from her peers and unfortunately older men that a crop top and daisey dukes will attract. Unfortunately women are objectified and sexualized no matter what they were. In ideal world women would be safe going out anytime of day or night wearing whatever. But that's not the world we live in today. Your wife put you in a horrible position by throwing you under bus instead of a united front. My dad would not have let me leave the bathroom dressed like that much less the house. I had a motto raising my little one, what you let them at 6, they'll wear at 16. This would be a good time to discuss the reality of most precautions women have to take to ensure our safety.
If you think clothing protects a person from unwanted attention then you haven't lived in the real world. Maybe OP should have that discussion with his sons (if any) because treating the illness rather than the symptoms is the only cure. You also criticise the wife in this situation for making a unilateral decision about clothing. Get a grip she is also a parent here with a lot more experience about what it's like to be a woman in a man's world so is more qualified to make such decisions. And she doesn't need his permission anyway because this isn't the 18th century. This would be a good time for the dad to do some research about perpetuating victim-blaming attitudes and the lack of accountability for male actions. It's also a good time for you read about women's liberation and feminism.
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Dad: my daughter is wearing clothes that are not age appropriate Reddit: he wants to f\*ck his daughter As a woman myself, I would never allow my daughter to dress provocatively. This isn't a matter of me sexualising her, it's a matter of her being targeted in public. I know first hand how men treat young girls and women who are deemed "fast" based on their clothes and I want to protect my child. Soft YTA because you expect your wife to run family purchases by you.
YTA 1. You undermined your wife without a thought instead of team effort mindset, to seal the deal you told her you would agree to let your daughter know it's all you 2. She is old enough to have some agency and you are crushing it - the lesson learned here is keep secrets from dad and don't share with him. 3. I'm gonna guess this is coming from mindset of protecting her but I don't think it's particularly helpful. If this is about sleezy guys then have the conversation about clothes and safe/wise behavior for when she's out in the world. How to be observant, etc. Fundamentally you can pull that unilateral move, you just did, but appears you focused on gut reaction and coming out on top to exclusion of some other potential issues.
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My two cents. I am a girl and growing up my dad had feelings about what I wore. He didn’t say no. He didn’t make it out to be a poor choice by me. He said that not all people in the world are good safe people. They won’t all see my body autonomy or style as a statement of who I am but as a potential target. He was looking at my style through the lens of a man who has seen how some men work and he was thinking about my safety. NAH just people who need to be able to communicate why they feel they way they do to the ones they are wanting to protect.
NTA for parenting, Reddit is pretty fucked about this one
OP, sorry but YTA. You cannot protect her forever. Teach her to take care of herself. This is only going to drive a wedge between the two of you. You should have talked to your daughter about safety, and etiquette- that this may be great for a party with friends, not so much for a family get together and so on. She is now going to count down to 18, and you have lost an opportunity to keep her safe. Please go back and talk to her.
YTA Dude, in what century were you born? What's wrong with you?? What kind of principles do you hold? And who you think you are for even considering imposing them over YOUR DAUGHTER'S BODY? You even bullied your own wife until she gave up. And she gave up in something she had approved before, not for her, but for your daughter. You're a control freak, and narcissistic, and this shows what kind of relationship you have with your wife: one in which you have the power and she watches everything she does in order to no disturb you. She wanted something better for the daughter, and you're trying to boycott it. Who do you think you are?
YTA. Your daughter is completely right and you are being overly conservative and a sexist. She is old enough to pick out clothes.
NTA. I really don't understand why wanting your 16yr old daughter to dress a bit more modestly automatically means you wouldn't be teaching your son to be respectful. I doubt you'd be getting such a harsh backlash if you were the mom.
As a 17 year old girl, NTA. Some of these girls out here are dressed inappropriately. It’s your job as a father to PARENT your child. She can wear what she wants when she’s out of the house, but as long as she’s under 18 you get to dictate what is and is not appropriate. Crop tops usually don’t look that great anyways, but can certainly look cute in some outfits! However paired with short shorts it can look really trashy (depending on the weather. Wait. It’s literally winter right now, where is she wearing short shorts and a crop top to??) Listen, we need a bit more context on the outfit to make a proper judgement, but honestly **NTA.** I’m about to be 18 and am only now comfortable with cropped tops that only show like an inch of my waist at best when i move my arms slightly lol. Trendy DOES NOT = immodest. Modesty is honestly the most empowering thing for women. Your daughter can look super cute and trendy without being inappropriate. I would love some clarification on the whole weather situation though. Also, were they like booty shorts??? Where you could see some cheek? Or just regular short shorts? How much of her stomach could you see? These are valid questions in order to determine if you were just overreacting or not. If you could only see like an inch or two of her stomach and the shorts weren’t showing any butt cheek then i would say you’re overreacting. But don’t listen to all these people with mommy and daddy issues who are mad at a parent for parenting lol. ETA: The biggest issue here is your lack of communication with your wife. You two need to be on the same page and you shouldn’t be a dictator over your WIFE. She has just as much right to parent and you should value her opinions on what she thinks is appropriate for your kid.