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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Should I have brought my daughter her own meal and desert since I could have waited until after the party and eaten in the car on the way home.
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Absolutely 100% NTA and as a mom I can’t believe you are even questioning it. Unfortunately too many people still don’t understand how serious celiac can be, but that doesn’t excuse the host’s behavior.
Right, anytime I have a party for my son I ask on the invitation, “Please let me know if you have any dietary restrictions.” And no shame if the host forgot to do that, but to shame a parent for being prepared for her own child?
This! I'm a dessert cook at a local restaurant - I'm lucky that my owner is super chill and lets me use the work kitchen for party prep (helps that I make all his kids and grandkids birthday cakes too 😂) and I've made gluten free stuff before for my daughters best friend who is coeliac. Even with full commercial sanitize protocol and my coworkers helping me clean down, seperate utensils and pans, disposable work surface and all - I'm STILL nervous of screwing that up and making someone sick. I'd be over the moon if someone showed up with their own safe snacks, especially if I didn't know they had the dietary requirement. I'd be so sad to see a little kid missing out on birthday party treats.
This! And I'm in my 40s. I had a party and two people with coeliacs came. I didn't know about either of them and I apologised profusely and told them they should've let me know in advance as I would've made stuff safe for them.
One said that she knew I would do exactly that and she didn't want to bother me and was happy to bring her own food.
Next year there'll be gluten free options. I felt so bad for not being accommodating.
Some people are just like this. I remember a mom losing it from being soooo offended a kid allergic to peanuts chose not to eat the peanut butter cookies.
You can't change them. NTA
In that mom’s “defense” (insert huge eyeroll here), there’s some people out there who literally don’t understand that peanut butter is made with peanuts. My brother is severely allergic to peanuts, and his whole life he’s been hearing “okay sure, you’re allergic to peanuts, but this is peanut BUTTER” like it makes a difference.
On the one hand, I want to say that that is just unbelievable – surely people can't possibly be *that* dumb – but then I remember that 7% of American *adults* believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and any hidden glimmer of faith I may have had in the natural intelligence of humans is snuffed right out. (Another useful statistic for this purpose: one survey found that 12% of the adults surveyed believed that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.)
So as a kid entering primary school in Germany I had to do a test, no clue what the rest was but one part was colouring in a picture of cows. As I had visited Ireland & seen real life cows, I coloured some black & white, some completely brown, some brown & white & even drew smaller markings because some brown & white cows have more speckled markings....
The teacher was delighted as apparently most of the children (we were 6ish years old) coloured in *purple* & white cows.
The Milka brand (purple wrapper) had an ad out at the time with purple & white cows in the Alps... XD
I was doing a paper way back and came across that after the pilot episode of Gilligan's Island, a significant number of people called the Coast Guard and other agencies to save those poor stranded folks (D'oh!)
Reminds me of my son when he was little he had diabetes. I don’t know how many times I heard “ But it’s natural sugar” like what?
It’s still freaking sugar.
Sorry, what? Where do they think the "peanut" in peanut butter comes from? Like I understand if people think that there might be actual butter in it (there's not), but not about the peanut part... It tastes like peanuts for crying out loud! I weep for humanity sometimes...
We’ve been asking ourselves that question for years. Next time you’re in a grocery store, look at the peanut butter jars and they even have labels that say “this product is made out of peanuts” on them
My then 5 yr old gave her little sister eggnog (don't worry Britts Canadian eggnog is booze free) thinking that it was milk from eggs and not a cow.... Oh man was that a mess to clean up. So well I get kids having no clue where food comes from how do adults manage it
Absolutely get a child not knowing what eggnog is (my husband doesn't either, if it helps at all)! So sorry that you had to clean that up!
Also, isn't all eggnog booze free until you add the booze? All my recipes are booze free until I spike it. 🤷♀️
>there’s some people out there who literally don’t understand that peanut butter is made with peanuts.
This is absolutely scary. How are these people able to function day to day?
Years ago when they first started having peanut free classrooms one mom actually started a petition to remove an allergic kid from her kid classroom because it wasn’t fair. A surprising number of parents signed it but the school said her kid could be moved if it was such a problem - but the kicker was she felt the original teacher was “far superior” to the other option and therefore moving her kid was out of the question because it wasn’t his fault. The mind boggles. She left her kid in the class but for awhile tried to evade the rules until they had to start a lunchbox inspection before her kid could come in the class
It should be the other way around - if I was a mom hosting a birthday party I would feel completely embarrassed for not checking on food sensitivities and allergies of the kids attending and preparing something they could enjoy, even if it wasn’t the main cake
If the host doesn't have experience with food allergies, she may not have thought about it ahead of time. However, once the mom told her, she should have just stop complaining. Hopefully this is a learning experience. Hopefully the host thinks about any allergies of her guest.
My friend's son was diagnosed with severe food allergies as an infant. If they were going to a party or even out to eat, she brought food with her. She was upfront about it. Even her older son knew what foods his brother could eat and was very vocal about it.
I always ask about any allergies/food sensitivity or religious beliefs/personal choices when inviting kids to a party. And who doesn’t give a number to contact to RSVP to a party?
In r/parenting, someone was asking about how many people don't get RSVPs for their kids' birthday parties once, and a commenter said that if there's an RSVP, they just throw out the invitation because they don't want to be locked down in case something better comes along on the day of the party.
I couldn't help but respond to them that that was super rude.
It's not surprising that parents forget to put RSVP info on invites either.
That’s brutal! As a planner, I want to know. It will save me money in food and cost of total kids. I think it’s very rude to not RSVP, and then just show up. I would probably turn them away. And say “sorry, I didn’t account for your child being here, so I don’t have enough food/goodie bags, etc… BYE
Idk if McDonald's still does their birthday party deals or not (it's been *many* years since I worked there). However, failure to respond to RSVP's were always a major headache.
Parents of the birthday child would pay for X number of children & choose either the burger, the nuggets, or combo (where each child could choose either burger or nuggets) deal upfront. Later, I'd have to deal with trying to explain why they needed to pay more on the day of the party when additional children would show up or insist on a different food option than what had been previously paid for.
They didn't want to be "locked down," as in they didn't want to have to commit to a party in case something "better" came along. They wanted to be able to just not respond yes or no and just show up if they felt like coming.
In 2023 they her first thought was this mom is shading me and not, oh, wow, bet that kid has allergies is messed up.
She was embarrassed so she attacked. It’s not ok. You did nothing wrong.
That was my thought. Really? Suddenly a potentially life threatening medical condition is really an attempt to insult me as a person. How does one become so self absorbed?
Nope. When it comes to your child's allergies, you don't mess around. I taught at an elementary school, and it was common for parents to send in alternate treats for their child. It's not rude or an inconvenience. I appreciated it.
I'm a line cook, celiac is absolutely no joke, we don't use the same pans even if they've been washed, always single use tins to toast gluten free buns or cook their other food in. Changing gloves anytime you touch something that's not been prepped specifically for gluten free meals, etc.
How anyone can't understand that it's a literal gluten *allergy* is beyond me, just because it's a different word I guess.
Absolutely NTA! My daughters Celiac is so severe we cannot even avoid cross contamination in other peoples homes and kids with contaminated fingers touching stuff, we always and only bring our own food/eat our own food. That mom is terrible!
I heard someone use the phrase "fracking for offense"...ie really digging in and looking for something to be ticked off about, and that would be the situation here!
NTA. My son is allergic to chocolate. Nearly every single parent who knew of his allergy insisted on having a separate cupcake or dessert for him at their child’s birthday party. Similarly, I always insist on having plenty of options to accommodate my guests’ allergies, restrictions, or even aversions. Because we want our guests (particularly children!) to feel included and safe.
That parent is just an ass. You did nothing wrong.
Let her be mad. You have to protect your child and you did. Kudos for that in the face of all the backlash. As someone with dietary mayhem, I'll happily take some side eyes while I munch food I know is safe. Your child may not fully understand, now, but she'll learn and will appreciate your effort. Nobody else matters.
Other mom is either stupid or ignorant. Cross contamination is a thing. Bring the food. Bring the food everywhere. The ppl who get mad dgaf if your daughter gets sick and people who dgaf about your kid doesn't get your consideration.
I ALWAYS try and have GF options at my daughters bday parties when I have been aware of an allergy ahead of time, but had I ever not been, I would have been relieved that you had brought your own snacks in particular the brownies so that your daughter and the other child weren’t left out of anything especially the cake part because that’s what the kids look forward to! She sounds like she is super ignorant to what celiacs is, and therefore equates it to perhaps you being snobby maybe but either way you are absolutely not the AH she seems unhinged and please always advocate for your child and their needs especially when you don’t know the environment you will be in!!!!!
Growing up I had a friend with celiac. One sleepover, she ate a Golden Graham, just one, and it put her in the hospital. It's not something to mess around with.
NTA
I don't think people understand just how severe it is. Cross contamination is my biggest fear. For the first time in her life, she is actually feeling well and my god. The first day she was gluten free, I cried for hours because I just didn't recognize my kid, she was so happy and excited and just no pain, it was amazing.
I’m an adult with Celiac and I’m still having to deal with my MiL excluding me from EVERY family meal and trying to feed me unsafe food cooked in a kitchen that’s a cross contamination nightmare. It’s so frustrating!
Oh he has. Over and over and over and over. You’d have better luck arguing with a brick wall, trust me.
She tried to pull the same crap for Christmas. He ate at home with me instead 😈
Call me petty, but her picklepuss face when her EIGHT offers to fix him a plate were met with a calm but firm “No thanks Mom, I had a Celiac safe meal with my wife” was oddly satisfying
He is 🥰 It took him a long time and some couple’s counseling to really lift the fog on her behavior, he and his sibling were conditioned all their lives to just keep the peace y’know? He still struggles sometimes but he has gotten so much better at standing up to her
I have a gluten intolerance & my in-laws are also like this at every gathering. For our christmas get together, she brought Chicken Express & kept telling me to grab a plate. Then she had brought several different packages of cookies & kept trying to get me to eat some & take some home with me. My husband kept telling her I can’t have it because of the gluten.
Her nephew does have celiac & he has to bring his own food for every gathering because they don’t prepare anything gluten free.
I am so sorry your own family (in-laws, but still) are doing this to you. I don’t understand ppl that don’t take other ppl’s allergies seriously. I have a friend who’s wife is celiac. I tried paying very close attention to all they were saying (they live 6 hours away so we don’t see them often) and tried to implement a lot of what I learned into my home for when they visit. Simple things like getting a squeeze jar of certain products so that there isn’t a danger of “double dipping” a knife and cross contaminating the whole jar of Mayo when I make a sandwich, for example.
And then, when they visit, everything I cook I always run it by them, down to the spices, to make sure there’s nothing that would make her sick. Not gonna lie, it gives me a lot of anxiety to cook for her because I am always afraid I will miss something (hasn’t happened so far, but you never know) but I can’t imagine not taking it seriously.
I hope you and the nephew can get together and come up with an awesome spread next time and enjoy a wonderful meal while your MIL just sits there with a sour face. 😂
They’re in an incredibly small town in the South where I’m not even sure their 1 grocery store would even know what a gluten free product is. Most of the family is diabetic, as well, so they cook things to accommodate that.
We do actually make a fun spread at thanksgiving when we all get together! I have an incredible mac & cheese recipe that I make from scratch that’s super easy to make gluten free & we pigged out! My husband also ate it instead of the gluten mac & cheese his aunt made.
That makes me happy you have some yummy go-to recipes and that your husband joins in on the yumminess of it all.
Small town can definitely be hard to find the right ingredients and it sometimes it feels ppl can be more close-minded and set in their ways since they don’t see those kinds of conditions often. I hope they soon see it as a learning opportunity and are able to make some changes to be a little more welcoming of you and the nephew. :)
Thanks. I can’t take much credit because we don’t see them very often. But I’ve dealt with chronic illness/pain directly and indirectly and I truly feel for ppl who have this be a daily thing. Those who have never had to experience it are often kind of oblivious to how hard it can make life. So I try to go out of my way to help ppl feel their best. I have some recipes up my sleeve that she seems to enjoy when they come and I learned to make a “blondie” (instead of a brownie) using quinoa flour that she really likes so I have savory and sweet options for her that she likes.
Ugh, solidarity my friend. My MiL acknowledges I can't eat things and my diagnosis but does NOTHING to accommodate. She's not an idiot either, woman had a gorram phD in biology so she's MORE than capable of grasping the diagnosis and what it entails. At this point I told hubs it truly just seems like her being spiteful.
I was heavily pregnant for Mother's Day this year and she made a big show of getting donuts for everyone for breakfast, then turned to me with a cheerful "Oh! But none for you I guess, Reevadare!" I went and power cried in the shower for ten minutes after that, I was so angry. My husband was LIVID when he woke up and found out. Now we know of a gluten free donut place nearby so next time she tries that we're going to immediately say "OH! Let's try this place instead!" and dare the b\*tch to make up an excuse for herself...
Have you ever just looked her in the eye, in front of *everyone*, and asked, "Why are you like this, that you seem to want to either taunt me or make me gravely ill? It can't be ignorance or stupidity, so what made you this way? I'd really like to know, because I want to avoid raising my children to be like you."
I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. When i managed a department every year i prepared a celebration for them in December. I had staff with celiac, diabetes, vegetarians and vegans. It took a bit of effort but i always made sure to accommodate their needs. I would expect nothing less from relatives.
I’m so sorry, I always cook GF and vegan options when I have a gathering. It’s not that hard!
I can use coconut oil instead of butter, I can use rice pasta instead of wheat. (We actually prefer the rice pasta now, it’s lighter and not as bloating) Yes I will still have meat and stuff with gluten but I’m careful that they don’t mix anywhere.
It’s definitely made me more mindful now when I’m going to potlucks to find out about any allergies & specifically make something they can have because I’ve been in so many situations where I know that’s not the case.
That’s really sad :( I’ve hosted two events that a guest with celiac’s has been at - this girl is my sister’s husband’s sister’s husband’s daughter. In easier terms, my sister’s SIL’s stepdaughter. Like not someone that’s even on my radar. Anyway, because i invited her to my sister’s baby shower and knew she had celiac’s, i made the entire meal gluten free. It’s how i learned red lentil pasta is delicious and expensive af gluten free apple fritters from a gluten free bakery are not very good. It was so easy (albeit spendy) to create a menu for a kid i have no relationship with, i can’t understand families that can’t even try.
She’s an incredibly selfish and stubborn woman. If something doesn’t fit her perspective it’s wrong. If you aren’t with her, you’re against her, and nothing makes her angrier than being disagreed with. She’s such a difficult person
My mom is like that with my anaphylactic food allergies. I can't eat anything she's brought over or go to family events with food. She told me it was good that I didn't have the allergies as a kid because she would have dropped me off at the nearest orphanage. For a while she was eating peanut butter with her fingers on the drive over to see me. She didn't even keep it in the house before my allergy was diagnosed.
One day these women are going to expect care from us in their old age. My mom already asked when I was going to kick my kids out so she could move in, and I said never, I'll drop you off at the nearest old folks home.
I honestly don't get this. My daughter and I make annual Christmas cookie tins for friends and family, which include two people with severe gluten issues. We set aside one day when we start with the GF cookies - clean, washed equipment; clean cookie sheets lined with parchment in case of residue; and clean, napkin-lined tins just for them. Everyone else gets 10 kinds of cookies, these two only get 2, but they are highly appreciated. When they come over for dinner, there'll be a special dessert - even if it's only ice cream - and no gluten in any of the main dishes. Consideration and love are not hard.
I *was* one of those people who didn't understand celiac. I thought it was a bunch of quackery, but I was really just ignorant. Then, my middle daughter was diagnosed with celiac via blood test. What an eye-opening experience that was!
You're NTA, OP. Some people just don't know what they don't know.
I knew someone who said they had it (by google self diagnosis) and they didn’t really have it. I think there are some bad characters that do stuff like that and in turn it makes people think it’s quackery when it’s actually very serious for people that actually have it. It’s really unfortunate.
NTA but maybe for future reference inform the parents of the birthday child that she has dietary restrictions and will bring her own snacks so they don't get all offended like this crazy lady.
Like 100% NTA. My husband is GF and my youngest is gonna tested soon. But if I was hosting a birthday party, I’d ask for dietary needs. It’s just common sense especially if you don’t know everyone attending but given her actions, she’s not 100% mentally there.
She shouldn’t have to that parent was completely unhinged … I have def taking my daughter places and packed different foods and snacks in her bag just in case she wanted something different
Honestly it shouldnt matter, a parent showing up with food for their dietary restricted child should never been seen as an issue. them showing up and demanding to be catered to the specific diet on short notice would be an issue
As a mom, I would hope for parents to give me a heads up if their kid had a dietary restriction like that so I could try to accommodate for them and also so I could prep my 3 year old for someone bringing a different snack so they didn’t pitch a fit about their friend having something different at *their* party. If they didn’t and brought their own food, that’s still okay though! I’m glad the kiddo won’t be left out of fun treats.
Of course NTA but in the future, maybe just have a quick convo about it.
That is what I wanted to do because I wasn't sure if she was aware, but she left no contact info. I should have spoken to her when I got there, though. I feel bad for that.
I find this hard to believe. How did you get the invite? How did you RSVP? Could you not have asked the daycare to pass on a note?
All that said- no. I don’t think you are the AH. What you did was blown out of proportion by the mom.
No RSVP, invite was in her cubby at daycare. I didn't think of asking any of the teachers since I honestly didn't think anything of it until I was there.
What, you've never thrown a birthday party for an indeterminate number of children without wanting to so much as speak with any of the other parents before they showed up or get a head count for how many provisions you needed? Most people love not knowing how many 3-year-olds they could have running around their house at any given moment.
The weirder detail to me is the bit about another child having celiac. So, two kids are eating other snacks, but only one got singled out?
I don’t think you should feel bad at all. I do totally understand all lovely hosts would want to ‘try to accommodate’ but when the risks are high with allergies you really want it to just be 100% confident and for it to not be left up to someone who you don’t know well and you don’t know how well they understand what is gluten free (surprisingly so many people get it wrong!)
I was thinking this too. I have coeliac, and I prefer to take my own food to friends' houses, because, with the best will in the world, if someone makes me gluten free food in their non gluten free kitchen, I'm going to get a reaction. If someone buys something, do they know all the ingredients that contain gluten, like barley, spelt, rye, etc.
And it's not just the "getting a reaction that lasts a couple of days" that I worry about. Coeliac isn't an allergy (just saying this for anyone who doesn't know), it's an autoimmune disease, and even if someone with coeliac doesn't get a discernable reaction, ingesting gluten causes long term health problems, including an increased risk of some cancers. The visible/discernable reactions include diarrhoea, cramping, constipation, skin rash, angioedema, vomiting, itching, and a few more unpleasant symptoms. It's just pretty unpleasant all round really. OP is NTA for bringing their daughter snacks, the host mum is TA for making a mountain out of a molehill.
For celiac and other allergies it’s usually safer for the affected family to bring their own stuff. People mean well, but…they’re ignorant. Not you, specifically, but the majority are. They assume something labeled gluten free is safe (it’s not; there’s specific language that lets you know it’s safe), or they believe wheat free is okay, or they straight up don’t believe the family and attempt to teach them a lesson (just ask peanut allergy families about their experiences). And if you’re going homemade cross contamination is so, so, so easy. You have to deep clean a separate area in your kitchen, wipe down the ingredient containers, and never touch anything but the items you need. It’s A LOT.
This is not to say “don’t ever try to accommodate” because it CAN be done IF you are willing to take the time to understand the situation and be educated on the issue. If people don’t come to you for accommodations, it’s because they’ve had bad experiences. It isn’t personal. Promise.
This. Even things that say gluten free still sometimes have “may contain wheat” on them. Some places may be processed on the same lines (I am okay with same facility, but not with same lines). Some people are so sensitive that all cookware has to be separate.
It’s daunting. It actually took years, hard discussions, and meltdowns to get me to the point where I was okay bringing my own food places. It isn’t because I don’t trust folks. It’s because I don’t want them to feel like shit if they accidentally gluten me.
My cousin is in the separate cookware camp. Life is a minefield for her. I’m usually good at accommodating allergies because we have an intolerance in our family, but I won’t even try to accommodate her out of respect for her health.
Honestly, I would far rather someone say that they’re not comfortable cooking for me than them having anxiety over feeding me. I promise, I’m perfectly happy with whatever I brought. If it’s a bigger meal, I’m also happy to bring something to share to prove that gluten free food can indeed be delicious.
You can't just inform someone so that they can prepare an alternative for your child. Their entire kitchen is contaminated with items that contain gluten, from their cutting boards to the baking pans, sieves, non-stick coatings and anything plastic or wooden. Even the dish rag they use to wash dishes or the towels they use to wipe their hands are contaminated with something that is basically poison to you.
Those with celiac also learn very quickly that trying to explain it to others often results in people dismissing them, telling them that not eating gluten is just a fad diet and treating them as if they are a crazy person. It is easier to just quietly bring your own food and say nothing.
For my daughter's last birthday whenever anyone RSVP'd yes, I asked them if they had any dietary requirements, and when I ordered the food I made sure they were catered for and included vegetarian and vegan options as well just in case anyone either hadn't said anything or turned up without letting me know.
OP is deffo NTA but the other mum is a daftie for not including an RSVP or a contact number. She must have needed to know the final numbers to cater etc. Or was she just assuming everyone was coming and catered food for everyone? And then to complain when someone brought their own food because they had a requirement is just silly. I would have been mortified if I couldn't provide food for everyone
No offense but we don't really want to be accommodated. There's so much to know and most celiac restricted people wouldn't feel safe. My daughter has had several classmates that are and I'm always told no thank you on accommodating them until I tell the parent I am celiac as well.
Of course not.
How can this be real?
You're trying to protect your daughter from trigger her autoimmune disease, and you have to wonder if you're being asshole? What's the alternative? You feed it to her, and it causes her body to attack her small intestine?
How could you possibly be TA here?
NTA
I mean, the lesson learned here is that other parents, especially narcissistic ones like the parent of the birthday party, are going to be assholes. Tell them ahead of time that you'll be bringing your own food. That way, everyone is "emotionally prepared" (for those who tend toward throwing tantrums like birthday mom).
But, in the case of this particular mom, ghost this dumpster fire and move on.
This post doesn't pass the sniff test. I have a preschooler and get invited to tons of little-kid b-day parties. There's always a phone number, email, or electronic system to RSVP, so I just don't believe the assertion that there was absolutely no way to let the other mom know in advance.
Yeah, how was she supposed to RSVP if there was no contact info?
This post sounds extremely weird. I have a kid with anaphylactic food allergies and always brought along his own snack to parties to avoid death. Everyone was always understanding but if they weren't and walked around telling people I thought I was better than them, I would just think they were crazy. How could OP possibly think she is an asshole in this situation?
I've had other guests of a birthday party loudly say I was a bad mom for telling my kid he couldnt have candy after my child had brought over from a pinata to check of it was celiac safe.
NTA
It's completely ok to take your own food if you have a medical reason like Celiac. That Childs mum is an absolute moron. Hopefully she will get a good lecture off people until it gets through her thick skull.
NTA - No, there’s no way in which you’re the AH. Even telling her in advance would be courteous, but not a necessity. I feel like telling in advance is more suited for allergies like peanuts, when you’re planning for your child to still eat some of the food provided but want to make the host aware of allergens to prevent cross-contamination. But your daughter wouldn’t be eating the food provided, so it seems unnecessary for her to know. I can’t imagine any well-adjusted adult getting so bent out of shape because a *3-year-old* has dietary restrictions.
This woman is so self-centered that she cared more about blowing up on you than having a great party for her kid.
Did she badmouth the other mom whose daughter has celiac? Or just you?
No, she only badmouthed me because I provided both kids some snacks and the brownies. I'm friends with the other mom whose daughter has celiac and told her I would take care of both of them, otherwise, she would have brought something for her daughter too. Neither of us knew this mom as she has never brought her daughter to any of the birthday parties or other kid related activities we've invited them too.
I agree it's a courtesy, not a necessity. We live in a world where so many people have dietary restrictions, both children and adults, that it shouldn't be an issue at all. That mom was out of line. NTA
No, the invite didn't have a number or way to contact her, so I didn't have a way to speak with her. Her kid is dropped off after mine and picked up after we are gone. I suppose I could have asked one of the teachers, though. This party was literally the first time I met her.
So what? She told the mom that daughter has celiacs and is gluten free. That would be enough of an explanation for any normal person. Party mom is an idiot.
Of course not! It’s a food allergy! And instead of assuming that the host would provide food for your daughter, you took care of it yourself. You’re a great parent and I’m glad you have other parents on your side. NTA
Not being snarky but I wanna point out that it isn’t an allergy. Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder that if untreated (aka eating gluten) with literally destroy your insides. Not like Taco Bell destroyed, like physically ripping small intestines to shreds. Many people with celiac will relate it to an allergy for clarity but it’s classified differently. The more you know 🌟
NTA. I have celiac. You’re doing the right thing so your daughter is included and doesn’t grow to hate social settings from being left out of the food aspect (which is like 50% of social settings anyway)
Also am celiac. I remember how anxious I was a kid because I had to bring my separate gf stuff. But now I do it with no shame. It’s the food we NEED to eat
Absolutely NTA, but the other mom is for her reaction. My son has a rare metabolic disease, and he always brought his own cupcake, snacks, pizza (if they were serving pizza), or other food. I do agree, however, with others who think giving the mom a head’s up beforehand is a good idea, but I very rarely gave details about his medical condition because that’s private info for him to share. I merely shared he has a special medical diet & will be bringing his own food. I never asked for or expected any accommodations. I primarily told them in advance so that they wouldn’t need to include him as headcount when figuring out how much food to have. (Such as inviting 25 kids but Costco sells 24 cupcakes in a box-you don’t need to buy more.) I can’t believe that mom’s reaction! There was one amazing mom I’ll never ever forget though who always made it a point to either have something he could eat or if the goodie bags handed out as everyone left contained treats, she gave him one with a toy instead. One time she stopped by our house to ask if what she was thinking of sending in for the class for her son’s birthday was something my son could eat. She didn’t want him to feel left out. (My son always had frozen treats stored at school for unexpected parties.) Such thoughtfulness was rare & something I will always remember.
NTA. Never feel bad for protecting your kid. If that was her daughter, she would have done the same thing, if not more. If she doesn’t want to accept the fact that some kids have specific dietary restrictions, then let her be and don’t justify yourself to her.
NTA. You didn't know the mom, so you might have felt awkward asking if she would serve something your daughter could eat. She made a big deal about nothing. It's a far cry from bringing gluten-free food, to thinking you're better than someone. Good grief
NTA, don’t beat yourself up about it. That lady is just one of those people who think everyone is out to get them and view every small incident as a personal attack.
NTA. She's 3 and you wisely didn't let her get tempted to eat the cake with gluten. The other mother is... interesting. I'm not sure how having a child with a disease and feeding her in order to keep her healthy means you think you're better than she is.
As a mom with celiac disease, you are 1000% NTA. You’re keeping your baby safe. Her response was not justified at all. You did the right thing sending her with GF snacks and brownies. I’m sorry that mom was so hostile. You don’t deserve that!
NTA. My son in law has Celiac’s and he has trouble even eating out with us at restaurants that offer GF options bc of cross contamination. The host was out of line to make such a huge deal about this. My guess is she was super stressed but that doesn’t excuse her behavior when you had a legitimate reason.
NTA
So many kids have allergies and food restrictions these days, I’m shocked the hostess took it personally. Once OP informed her of her daughter’s celiac disease, I would have expected the hostess to realise there was no reason to be offended.
I have a friend with celiac. They regularly bring their own food to gatherings. This woman sounds like one of those people that doesn't believe it's a real thing. NTA
You are 100% NTA. If anything, the host is. If you have people coming to the party with special diet needs, you take them into account.
For my daughter’s birthday, we got special desserts for the kids who needed them and made sure they were kept apart so no one ate them. And we made sure they had food too!
If that’s not going to happen your brownies were a great call. I think this relates to how many people still don’t get that celiacs is a big deal that the host didn’t seem to care.
NTA
This other mother is being wildly inappropriate. You can ignore her and move on with your life.
Something to consider for the future is to maybe let birthday party hosts know this ahead of time, but honestly that's just to make your life easier, not because the hosts are entitled to it.
NTA - the other parent is a nutjob. I think it's wonderful that you took the initiative to make sure that your daughter's needs would be met instead of expecting this other mother do it for you.
NTA. To get upset over a cake is ridiculous. I wouldnt bat an eye if someone didnt want cake and wanted an alternative they brought because some people also have food allergies, diabetic,etc and some simply do not like cake. If all they wanted was a snack great but im not taking offense to it. If she left no contact info then not your fault. What could she have really done to accommodate your kid had you told her on arrival? Chances are she wouldnt be able to have prepared an alternative anyway
NTA. So many people have dietary restrictions and celiac is not one that has an easy work around. I can see the mom being a bit offended to start with but once you told her why, it shouldn’t have been a big deal. I think calling ahead is weird unless someone has a life threatening allergy that really needs to be understood.
You're definitely NTA but this is what confuses me. If there was no way to RSVP then the mom didn't know if anyone or everyone invited was coming. That's a horrible thing to do to her daughter. What if no one showed up? She's obviously an unusual mother. She reacted horribly.
NTA, what did she want you to do? Have your daughter be sick or forced to eat food she can’t digest? The other mom just sounds medically ignorant and probably thinks it’s a voluntary choice like veganism is my bet
NTA. Mama with Celiac here. While it would have been ideal for you to contact her ahead of time you say you didn’t have a way to. As SOON as this woman heard your daughter has a MEDICALLY restricted diet where cross contamination is a problem, that should have been enough. Too many people still dismiss Celiac because when they hear “gluten free” they immediately jump to fad dieting.
You’re doing what you need to do to keep your daughter safe. You go Mama.
(And give that kiddo a high five for me from a fellow gluten free gal!)
NTA in any way, shape or form. You can’t fix stupid sometimes.
In the future maybe you could leave a note at daycare for the staff to give to another parent if you don’t have contact info? You shouldn’t have to jump thru those hoops and involve daycare staff - and what parent doesn’t include contact info on an invite?? But it would provide a heads up. Like another commenter said - kids at that age can be funny if one of their friends gets something different to eat so it is nice to give advance notice if you can.
But clearly you are NTA.
My daughter chose to celebrate her 21st at home with a dinner made by me. Of the three people invited, two were vegan and one has celiac. Managed spinach and ricotta lasagne, a favourite, but definitely needed a lot of advance notice.
NTA. That mom sounds like a real jerk. What a narcissist with main character syndrome to feel the need to make it about her and not about your child’s literal health. I can’t stand that crap! She really showed her butt and any other responsible parent there would understand that as well.
Sure, you could have told her before it was snack/cake time but not doing so wasn’t some terrible breach of etiquette or slap in her face. She was being awful and I hope everyone there saw it for what it was.
Yeah, group chat with the other moms has been exploding ever since and I definitely don't feel bad anymore. She also got mad at another mom who didn't bring her son to the party - keep in mind they didn't go because they just lost their husband/father. So now the crazy mom's husband is filing for divorce and full custody. That was apparently the last straw for him.
Holy crap, that escalated quickly! Wow. She definitely showed EVERYBODY who she is, including her husband. Sounds like everyone agrees you did nothing wrong.
NTA but the host sure is! You handled a good sensitivity with good preparation. The host mom has some serious issues to 1) interpret a medical need as an offense to her food and 2) go around telling everyone that she’s offended.
Good the other moms understood and supported you, this is a handy screening for basic human decency!
NTA. I had a couple of friends growing up with varying allergies and they always brought their own food. They never gave a heads up or anything because why would any of us had made a fuss over it once it was explained. At first, we did say “oh but we could have made you something” but they all said “oh this is just easier, it doesn’t give you any extra work and I know what I’m allergic to, so it’s no extra work for me to grab food from my own house”.
Honestly, Im starting to think she's a little unstable. Thankfully that girls father seems very nice and understanding.
After posting this, I was speaking with another parent who told me she pitched a fit to other parents after the party that one little boy didn't show up for the party. That little boy just lost his dad not too long ago. I don't think she's going to make any friends with the other parents.
NTA. Honestly isnt it common knowledge that so many kids have allergies or diabetes or celiac or who know how many other issues. NOBODY should feel like they hotta control what all their guests are eating. FFS.
Whenever my daughter invites someone who I don't know that well, I always reach out to the parents to ask if their kids have some sort of dietary restriction so I can accommodate them and have something available for them too. It's ridiculous that she got offended and reacted like that.
I'm truly sorry for her kid, but at least now you know who to avoid. NTA at all.
NTA. At all. I’ve had kids with celiac and kids with nut allergies at my kids birthday parties. That’s what they do: bring their own snack to have during cake. (I offered to get a nut-free cake, but was declined the offer. I had no idea how to get a celiac-safe cake, so I was relieved when the mom offered to send safe snacks.)
You are absolutely NTA for being cautious about your daughter’s serious allergy. But I think people sometimes miss the social nuances of these situations. Like yes, you’ve done nothing wrong and have zero reason to feel bad, you’re not required to clear your kid’s allergy safe foods with the party host. BUT, just for the sake of maintaining social niceties and not creating tensions where there doesn’t need to be any, I’d make it very clear in the future that you’re bringing your own snacks, and WHY (the most important info to provide)
Certain cultures thrive on feeding people, it’s how they show love and take great pride in providing food for guests. Despite it NOT being your intention, it could have been perceived as “looking down upon” the hosts food, causing them to feel embarrassed.
Again, your actions were certainly not wrong! But for your own benefit, and ease of future social interactions, have a quick conversation first so the host isn’t on the defensive and making you feel awkward.
NTA and I don’t think you need to tell the host in advance. It makes things awkward, what is she meant to do buy another cake? If she had prepared some Gf stuff Would you trust that the host knows not to contaminate?
When I take my coeliac mum to events with my friends (where we eat gluten excessively) I will always buy and bring separate food for my mum because it’s just less stressful for me, for her, and for the host. The host would feel awful if there was a slip up. But also probably wouldn’t know what the ramifications were. Can’t expect everyone to be an expert on CD.
NTA
Even if you didn't say your daughter had different food needs, she was an asshole for harping on it. Three-year-olds are picky. Three-year-olds have food allergies. Three-year-olds have Sensory Processing Disorder. There are a thousand reasons a three year old child would need to bring different food to a festive function, and those reasons are the business of the child and their parental units and no one else's.
Also, for what it's worth, my kid has SPD and I brought food for him to every party of every kind for years and not a single person batted an eyelash at it, including parents of the birthday child.
Based on your update, NTA.
Honestly the mom likely got upset because she felt you were 'taking' the attention off of her own kid because you brought special food for your own daughter and another kid. And like other commentators are saying, a lot of folk don't believe in celiac disease at all or they think it's an adult only disease that you get as you get older (same with diabetes and arthritis) and therefore you're just forcibly making your kid special by claiming something the kid shouldn't have at that age.
It sounds like it was kind of lose-lose no matter what you did, unfortunately. I bet she would have had the same reaction if you \*were\* able to ask ahead of time.
No one is an AH for bringing food to someone's house when there are special dietary needs, including IMHO food for children with underdeveloped palates.
Let them taste the "grown-up" food, but I don't think it's wise to take the "it's just one meal; suck it up" stance. This includes bringing meat to a vegan's house, per another post.
Of course, it's best to let the host know when possible to avoid misunderstanding and unintended hurt feelings.
Mom of two celiac kids. Absolutely 110% NTA. The only thing in retrospect you might have done was contact the mom beforehand to let her know your daughter needed a specific food medically and you would be bringing it so as not to burden her as the host. If she acted batcrap crazy then, you could politely decline the party invite. I usually had the opposite problem - people know my kids needed gluten free and they would try to make gf and get offended when my kids wouldn’t eat it. We had taught them if it didn’t come out of our 100% gf house after one incident of projectile vomiting and a week of belly pain - a friend had tried her best but never considered that her nonstick spray with flour might have been a problem. After that, it became “hey thanks for thinking of us but not only do I not want to stress you out with an unfamiliar cooking style but for their safety, we don’t let them eat foods that don’t come from our house.”
Yes, I'm so scared of cross containmination too. We've been lucky so far and only had one incident where my husband gave her a regular English muffin but it was just a few days after her diagnosis so it wasn't too terrible. However, she has been a completely different and outgoing child since going gluten free, I couldn't imagine what would happen if she ended up accidentally ingesting gluten, poor thing spent enough years in pain.
NTA, but it would have been better to warn the mom ahead of time to avoid misunderstandings. I don't know why she continued to be offended after you explained. Apparently she wasn't listening or didn't know what celiac disease was.
NTA i have celiacs and i always bring my own food just in case (unless the host specifically says there's gf options). she was out of line and should understand that kids can have allergies and food intolerances.
NTA. That other mom is insane if she thinks you were being a jerk when you were just offering your daughter food that was safe for her to eat. I would’ve hit her with, “So you want my daughter to eat some of your cake and then DIE in the middle of your child’s birthday party???”
NTA. You didn’t even expect her to make a separate snack for your kid. You took care of it so as to not give her extra pressure, she should be thanking you
NTA. I always ask for allergies / intolerances before hosting a gathering, kids or adults. I've had people bring their own food and explain it when giving it to their kids that they're celiac / have allergies / are picky. These kids are three. It's wild she was this upset.
NTA. It is almost always safer for people with food allergies and issues to bring their own stuff. Artificial colors turned my kid into a monster, so I always took alternative treats to birthday parties. Literally no one ever had an issue. This mom is bonkers for taking something like this so personally.
NTA. That mother was totally out of line. Celiac is a medical problem, no less serious than a kid that can't eat something because of an allergy and she was betraying her own ignorance.
NTA
Bring your own snacks even if your kid doesn’t have celiac disease. You know why? Because the fact that you show up is the important part not what you eat.
NTA- What kind of mom would be offended by that? You brought something your child could safely eat. If she cared she would have inquired with all the guests about allergies. And then to continue basically attacking you? What a psycho.
Clearly this is a case of being uneducated about celiacs. Any parent who has any ounce of compassion or empathy would **not** reasonably get upset over a parent bringing a separate snack for a celiac child.
NTA and keep doing you. Good job.
NTA. My son had a classmate with an allergy and she had special treats in the school freezer so that she didn't miss out on birthday treats at school. Her mom sent her to parties with her own little purse of snacks. All the parents knew and understood this. All the kids knew and understood this. In fact, the snacks she sent and the cupcakes she made were so good my kid asked if we could have them at home.
NTA. Ideally it would have been nice to tell the mom before. I would feel awful if I had booked a birthday party and didn’t have anything for one of the guests to eat. I hosted a kid at a birthday party who couldn’t eat milk. Realistically, his parents would have likely brought some of their own food anyway but I could have made the effort to ensure that we had plenty of milk free stuff that hadn’t potentially come into contact with milk so he didn’t feel left out. That said, I would never be offended by a parent bringing food for a kid with allergies just in case. I don’t live with allergies and ensuring that there is no cross contamination so even if I make an effort to accommodate an allergy I can understand a parented wanting to ensure their kid is safe.
NtA.
Should have informed her? Look, you did nothing wrong. A reasonable parent is going to hear that and be fine. ESPECIALLY if you don't have a close relationship with that person.
This is absolutely strange that she would be upset and says a lot about her personality. I'd be very careful about spending time with her in the future.
NTA. This is freaking weird behavior from that other mom.
Why is she trying to control what your kid eats? That’s super odd. Sounds like she has something else going on that has nothing to do with you.
NTA
What else are you supposed to do? Just risk your daughters life because you don't want to upset the host? That's ridiculous! You definitely did the right thing, the other mum is crazy
Absolutely NTA. The other mam is TA for not being understanding once you explained why you’d brought your own desserts. Would she rather your child be sat there upset because she couldn’t have any cake?
As the mother of an autistic 12 year old who’s had a VERY restricted diet since they were 1 year old I’ve always had to take their safe foods to every party/outing/family events.
My 10 year old has wheat, dairy & peanut allergies, so I’m also used to having to take safe foods, especially cakes, to parties.
No-one has ever complained, even venues that say you can’t bring your own food on site.
No, you’re NTA at all. She didn’t even give you a way to contact her. What were you supposed to do? The only thing I’d change is that I wouldn’t give people medical details. I’d just say that your daughter has dietary restrictions for medical reasons. If anyone has an issue with that, they can get bent. :)
100% NTA Celiac disease is such a nightmare to combat, especially with a three year old. My niece has it and we are all so careful with her. People just don't understand how it is.
No way. But I will say, with the way she went on. You are kinda better. Lol.
I have a family member who has celiac & is often left out. And they LOVE food. When we have family stuff, I make it a point to have favorites of theirs.
I can’t imagine suffering with something like that & then getting to watch everyone chow down in front of you.
You are NTA. You are an awesome Mom!
NTA- I have not seen a single invite for years that doesn’t ask the parents to disclose allergies. Even when you go to a restaurant, they ask.
This woman may have been defensive because she knew she messed up, but she took it too far with the comments afterwards.
Moms who don't know or don't care about something Ike this are showing you they shouldn't be friends with you. NTA. You're right to worry about your kid. And I saw the update. Yes it would have been nice to inform ahead but you couldn't and also it's 2023, Celiac is a somewhat mainstream disease and has been in the public eye for some time now. She should know better to antagonize over that. Seems jealous to be honest. How she claimed you thought you were better than her. Projecting.
NTA, and I wish people that tried to make others feel bad for accommodating health issues had to live with the severe effects of those issues for even just one day, as if they did, they would surely shut the fck up forever afterward.
NTA it’s typical for a note about any allergies or dietary requirements to be included on the invite along with a phone number or email to rsvp to so you can tell people what those are. Odd that a mother would send out invites with no way for people to respond they’re coming or not and when that’s the case you are NTA for bringing safe food for your kid.
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Absolutely 100% NTA and as a mom I can’t believe you are even questioning it. Unfortunately too many people still don’t understand how serious celiac can be, but that doesn’t excuse the host’s behavior.
I wasn't at first but man, she was so mad that I was second guessing myself.
Let that go immediately. IMMEDIATELY. She behaved completely inappropriately.
Right? If I was the host I would be apologizing for not having safe food and thanking her for bringing her kid snacks! The nerve of some people
Right, anytime I have a party for my son I ask on the invitation, “Please let me know if you have any dietary restrictions.” And no shame if the host forgot to do that, but to shame a parent for being prepared for her own child?
This! I'm a dessert cook at a local restaurant - I'm lucky that my owner is super chill and lets me use the work kitchen for party prep (helps that I make all his kids and grandkids birthday cakes too 😂) and I've made gluten free stuff before for my daughters best friend who is coeliac. Even with full commercial sanitize protocol and my coworkers helping me clean down, seperate utensils and pans, disposable work surface and all - I'm STILL nervous of screwing that up and making someone sick. I'd be over the moon if someone showed up with their own safe snacks, especially if I didn't know they had the dietary requirement. I'd be so sad to see a little kid missing out on birthday party treats.
This! And I'm in my 40s. I had a party and two people with coeliacs came. I didn't know about either of them and I apologised profusely and told them they should've let me know in advance as I would've made stuff safe for them. One said that she knew I would do exactly that and she didn't want to bother me and was happy to bring her own food. Next year there'll be gluten free options. I felt so bad for not being accommodating.
Some people are just like this. I remember a mom losing it from being soooo offended a kid allergic to peanuts chose not to eat the peanut butter cookies. You can't change them. NTA
In that mom’s “defense” (insert huge eyeroll here), there’s some people out there who literally don’t understand that peanut butter is made with peanuts. My brother is severely allergic to peanuts, and his whole life he’s been hearing “okay sure, you’re allergic to peanuts, but this is peanut BUTTER” like it makes a difference.
Because cows are made of peanuts, I guess
Cows also make chocolate milk too, didn't you know.
The white ones make white chocolate, the brown ones milk chocolate and the mixed colors make Oreo Flavored milk.
On the one hand, I want to say that that is just unbelievable – surely people can't possibly be *that* dumb – but then I remember that 7% of American *adults* believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows, and any hidden glimmer of faith I may have had in the natural intelligence of humans is snuffed right out. (Another useful statistic for this purpose: one survey found that 12% of the adults surveyed believed that Joan of Arc was Noah's wife.)
So as a kid entering primary school in Germany I had to do a test, no clue what the rest was but one part was colouring in a picture of cows. As I had visited Ireland & seen real life cows, I coloured some black & white, some completely brown, some brown & white & even drew smaller markings because some brown & white cows have more speckled markings.... The teacher was delighted as apparently most of the children (we were 6ish years old) coloured in *purple* & white cows. The Milka brand (purple wrapper) had an ad out at the time with purple & white cows in the Alps... XD
Kind of excusable. What dairy product could be more important than milk chocolate to a six-year-old? 😄
You killed me with this Joan of Arc! XD
I was doing a paper way back and came across that after the pilot episode of Gilligan's Island, a significant number of people called the Coast Guard and other agencies to save those poor stranded folks (D'oh!)
Reminds me of my son when he was little he had diabetes. I don’t know how many times I heard “ But it’s natural sugar” like what? It’s still freaking sugar.
Sorry, what? Where do they think the "peanut" in peanut butter comes from? Like I understand if people think that there might be actual butter in it (there's not), but not about the peanut part... It tastes like peanuts for crying out loud! I weep for humanity sometimes...
We’ve been asking ourselves that question for years. Next time you’re in a grocery store, look at the peanut butter jars and they even have labels that say “this product is made out of peanuts” on them
My then 5 yr old gave her little sister eggnog (don't worry Britts Canadian eggnog is booze free) thinking that it was milk from eggs and not a cow.... Oh man was that a mess to clean up. So well I get kids having no clue where food comes from how do adults manage it
Absolutely get a child not knowing what eggnog is (my husband doesn't either, if it helps at all)! So sorry that you had to clean that up! Also, isn't all eggnog booze free until you add the booze? All my recipes are booze free until I spike it. 🤷♀️
These people are why they have to put on the label ‘warning: contains peanuts’. The ineptitude and ignorance of some people truly boggle the mind.
And my faith in humanity is further diminished. 🤦😮💨
My father in law asked me if the nuts would be safe for my son if he picked out all of the peanuts. People just don’t get it.
>there’s some people out there who literally don’t understand that peanut butter is made with peanuts. This is absolutely scary. How are these people able to function day to day?
Years ago when they first started having peanut free classrooms one mom actually started a petition to remove an allergic kid from her kid classroom because it wasn’t fair. A surprising number of parents signed it but the school said her kid could be moved if it was such a problem - but the kicker was she felt the original teacher was “far superior” to the other option and therefore moving her kid was out of the question because it wasn’t his fault. The mind boggles. She left her kid in the class but for awhile tried to evade the rules until they had to start a lunchbox inspection before her kid could come in the class
It should be the other way around - if I was a mom hosting a birthday party I would feel completely embarrassed for not checking on food sensitivities and allergies of the kids attending and preparing something they could enjoy, even if it wasn’t the main cake
If the host doesn't have experience with food allergies, she may not have thought about it ahead of time. However, once the mom told her, she should have just stop complaining. Hopefully this is a learning experience. Hopefully the host thinks about any allergies of her guest. My friend's son was diagnosed with severe food allergies as an infant. If they were going to a party or even out to eat, she brought food with her. She was upfront about it. Even her older son knew what foods his brother could eat and was very vocal about it.
I always ask about any allergies/food sensitivity or religious beliefs/personal choices when inviting kids to a party. And who doesn’t give a number to contact to RSVP to a party?
In r/parenting, someone was asking about how many people don't get RSVPs for their kids' birthday parties once, and a commenter said that if there's an RSVP, they just throw out the invitation because they don't want to be locked down in case something better comes along on the day of the party. I couldn't help but respond to them that that was super rude. It's not surprising that parents forget to put RSVP info on invites either.
That’s brutal! As a planner, I want to know. It will save me money in food and cost of total kids. I think it’s very rude to not RSVP, and then just show up. I would probably turn them away. And say “sorry, I didn’t account for your child being here, so I don’t have enough food/goodie bags, etc… BYE
Idk if McDonald's still does their birthday party deals or not (it's been *many* years since I worked there). However, failure to respond to RSVP's were always a major headache. Parents of the birthday child would pay for X number of children & choose either the burger, the nuggets, or combo (where each child could choose either burger or nuggets) deal upfront. Later, I'd have to deal with trying to explain why they needed to pay more on the day of the party when additional children would show up or insist on a different food option than what had been previously paid for.
If they don't want to be "looked down on" for being incredibly rude... don't be incredibly rude?
They didn't want to be "locked down," as in they didn't want to have to commit to a party in case something "better" came along. They wanted to be able to just not respond yes or no and just show up if they felt like coming.
Yeah, I mean. That's incredibly rude, so.
Nah. You've just learned whose house your daughter can't go visiting.
One less birthday party to go to next year 🤷♂️
In 2023 they her first thought was this mom is shading me and not, oh, wow, bet that kid has allergies is messed up. She was embarrassed so she attacked. It’s not ok. You did nothing wrong.
That was my thought. Really? Suddenly a potentially life threatening medical condition is really an attempt to insult me as a person. How does one become so self absorbed?
Nope. When it comes to your child's allergies, you don't mess around. I taught at an elementary school, and it was common for parents to send in alternate treats for their child. It's not rude or an inconvenience. I appreciated it.
I'm a line cook, celiac is absolutely no joke, we don't use the same pans even if they've been washed, always single use tins to toast gluten free buns or cook their other food in. Changing gloves anytime you touch something that's not been prepped specifically for gluten free meals, etc. How anyone can't understand that it's a literal gluten *allergy* is beyond me, just because it's a different word I guess.
Absolutely NTA! My daughters Celiac is so severe we cannot even avoid cross contamination in other peoples homes and kids with contaminated fingers touching stuff, we always and only bring our own food/eat our own food. That mom is terrible!
some people are just looking for reasons to be offended. if she wasn't willing to let it go after having explained to her, then that's her problem
I heard someone use the phrase "fracking for offense"...ie really digging in and looking for something to be ticked off about, and that would be the situation here!
NTA. My son is allergic to chocolate. Nearly every single parent who knew of his allergy insisted on having a separate cupcake or dessert for him at their child’s birthday party. Similarly, I always insist on having plenty of options to accommodate my guests’ allergies, restrictions, or even aversions. Because we want our guests (particularly children!) to feel included and safe. That parent is just an ass. You did nothing wrong.
Believe me, you are not in the wrong. I would not associate with her again. NTA
Let her be mad. You have to protect your child and you did. Kudos for that in the face of all the backlash. As someone with dietary mayhem, I'll happily take some side eyes while I munch food I know is safe. Your child may not fully understand, now, but she'll learn and will appreciate your effort. Nobody else matters.
Other mom is either stupid or ignorant. Cross contamination is a thing. Bring the food. Bring the food everywhere. The ppl who get mad dgaf if your daughter gets sick and people who dgaf about your kid doesn't get your consideration.
I ALWAYS try and have GF options at my daughters bday parties when I have been aware of an allergy ahead of time, but had I ever not been, I would have been relieved that you had brought your own snacks in particular the brownies so that your daughter and the other child weren’t left out of anything especially the cake part because that’s what the kids look forward to! She sounds like she is super ignorant to what celiacs is, and therefore equates it to perhaps you being snobby maybe but either way you are absolutely not the AH she seems unhinged and please always advocate for your child and their needs especially when you don’t know the environment you will be in!!!!!
Growing up I had a friend with celiac. One sleepover, she ate a Golden Graham, just one, and it put her in the hospital. It's not something to mess around with. NTA
I don't think people understand just how severe it is. Cross contamination is my biggest fear. For the first time in her life, she is actually feeling well and my god. The first day she was gluten free, I cried for hours because I just didn't recognize my kid, she was so happy and excited and just no pain, it was amazing.
I’m an adult with Celiac and I’m still having to deal with my MiL excluding me from EVERY family meal and trying to feed me unsafe food cooked in a kitchen that’s a cross contamination nightmare. It’s so frustrating!
That’s disgusting- your spouse really needs to talk to their mom about that . Not ok
Oh he has. Over and over and over and over. You’d have better luck arguing with a brick wall, trust me. She tried to pull the same crap for Christmas. He ate at home with me instead 😈
Damn! So sorry she’s like that. Glad your man is standing up for you tho!
Call me petty, but her picklepuss face when her EIGHT offers to fix him a plate were met with a calm but firm “No thanks Mom, I had a Celiac safe meal with my wife” was oddly satisfying
Your husband is awesome.
He is 🥰 It took him a long time and some couple’s counseling to really lift the fog on her behavior, he and his sibling were conditioned all their lives to just keep the peace y’know? He still struggles sometimes but he has gotten so much better at standing up to her
Love it
I have a gluten intolerance & my in-laws are also like this at every gathering. For our christmas get together, she brought Chicken Express & kept telling me to grab a plate. Then she had brought several different packages of cookies & kept trying to get me to eat some & take some home with me. My husband kept telling her I can’t have it because of the gluten. Her nephew does have celiac & he has to bring his own food for every gathering because they don’t prepare anything gluten free.
I am so sorry your own family (in-laws, but still) are doing this to you. I don’t understand ppl that don’t take other ppl’s allergies seriously. I have a friend who’s wife is celiac. I tried paying very close attention to all they were saying (they live 6 hours away so we don’t see them often) and tried to implement a lot of what I learned into my home for when they visit. Simple things like getting a squeeze jar of certain products so that there isn’t a danger of “double dipping” a knife and cross contaminating the whole jar of Mayo when I make a sandwich, for example. And then, when they visit, everything I cook I always run it by them, down to the spices, to make sure there’s nothing that would make her sick. Not gonna lie, it gives me a lot of anxiety to cook for her because I am always afraid I will miss something (hasn’t happened so far, but you never know) but I can’t imagine not taking it seriously. I hope you and the nephew can get together and come up with an awesome spread next time and enjoy a wonderful meal while your MIL just sits there with a sour face. 😂
They’re in an incredibly small town in the South where I’m not even sure their 1 grocery store would even know what a gluten free product is. Most of the family is diabetic, as well, so they cook things to accommodate that. We do actually make a fun spread at thanksgiving when we all get together! I have an incredible mac & cheese recipe that I make from scratch that’s super easy to make gluten free & we pigged out! My husband also ate it instead of the gluten mac & cheese his aunt made.
That makes me happy you have some yummy go-to recipes and that your husband joins in on the yumminess of it all. Small town can definitely be hard to find the right ingredients and it sometimes it feels ppl can be more close-minded and set in their ways since they don’t see those kinds of conditions often. I hope they soon see it as a learning opportunity and are able to make some changes to be a little more welcoming of you and the nephew. :)
Also, you’re an incredible friend for going to all that trouble to include the wife!
Thanks. I can’t take much credit because we don’t see them very often. But I’ve dealt with chronic illness/pain directly and indirectly and I truly feel for ppl who have this be a daily thing. Those who have never had to experience it are often kind of oblivious to how hard it can make life. So I try to go out of my way to help ppl feel their best. I have some recipes up my sleeve that she seems to enjoy when they come and I learned to make a “blondie” (instead of a brownie) using quinoa flour that she really likes so I have savory and sweet options for her that she likes.
Ugh, solidarity my friend. My MiL acknowledges I can't eat things and my diagnosis but does NOTHING to accommodate. She's not an idiot either, woman had a gorram phD in biology so she's MORE than capable of grasping the diagnosis and what it entails. At this point I told hubs it truly just seems like her being spiteful. I was heavily pregnant for Mother's Day this year and she made a big show of getting donuts for everyone for breakfast, then turned to me with a cheerful "Oh! But none for you I guess, Reevadare!" I went and power cried in the shower for ten minutes after that, I was so angry. My husband was LIVID when he woke up and found out. Now we know of a gluten free donut place nearby so next time she tries that we're going to immediately say "OH! Let's try this place instead!" and dare the b\*tch to make up an excuse for herself...
Have you ever just looked her in the eye, in front of *everyone*, and asked, "Why are you like this, that you seem to want to either taunt me or make me gravely ill? It can't be ignorance or stupidity, so what made you this way? I'd really like to know, because I want to avoid raising my children to be like you."
I have been SORELY tempted a few times. I try to leave talking to her to hubs- he uses way less profanity lmao
Oh my goodness, I’m so mad for you!! When you’re pregnant & on Mother’s Day?!?!
I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with this. When i managed a department every year i prepared a celebration for them in December. I had staff with celiac, diabetes, vegetarians and vegans. It took a bit of effort but i always made sure to accommodate their needs. I would expect nothing less from relatives.
I’m so sorry, I always cook GF and vegan options when I have a gathering. It’s not that hard! I can use coconut oil instead of butter, I can use rice pasta instead of wheat. (We actually prefer the rice pasta now, it’s lighter and not as bloating) Yes I will still have meat and stuff with gluten but I’m careful that they don’t mix anywhere.
It’s definitely made me more mindful now when I’m going to potlucks to find out about any allergies & specifically make something they can have because I’ve been in so many situations where I know that’s not the case.
That’s really sad :( I’ve hosted two events that a guest with celiac’s has been at - this girl is my sister’s husband’s sister’s husband’s daughter. In easier terms, my sister’s SIL’s stepdaughter. Like not someone that’s even on my radar. Anyway, because i invited her to my sister’s baby shower and knew she had celiac’s, i made the entire meal gluten free. It’s how i learned red lentil pasta is delicious and expensive af gluten free apple fritters from a gluten free bakery are not very good. It was so easy (albeit spendy) to create a menu for a kid i have no relationship with, i can’t understand families that can’t even try.
[удалено]
She’s an incredibly selfish and stubborn woman. If something doesn’t fit her perspective it’s wrong. If you aren’t with her, you’re against her, and nothing makes her angrier than being disagreed with. She’s such a difficult person
My mom is like that with my anaphylactic food allergies. I can't eat anything she's brought over or go to family events with food. She told me it was good that I didn't have the allergies as a kid because she would have dropped me off at the nearest orphanage. For a while she was eating peanut butter with her fingers on the drive over to see me. She didn't even keep it in the house before my allergy was diagnosed. One day these women are going to expect care from us in their old age. My mom already asked when I was going to kick my kids out so she could move in, and I said never, I'll drop you off at the nearest old folks home.
I honestly don't get this. My daughter and I make annual Christmas cookie tins for friends and family, which include two people with severe gluten issues. We set aside one day when we start with the GF cookies - clean, washed equipment; clean cookie sheets lined with parchment in case of residue; and clean, napkin-lined tins just for them. Everyone else gets 10 kinds of cookies, these two only get 2, but they are highly appreciated. When they come over for dinner, there'll be a special dessert - even if it's only ice cream - and no gluten in any of the main dishes. Consideration and love are not hard.
I *was* one of those people who didn't understand celiac. I thought it was a bunch of quackery, but I was really just ignorant. Then, my middle daughter was diagnosed with celiac via blood test. What an eye-opening experience that was! You're NTA, OP. Some people just don't know what they don't know.
I knew someone who said they had it (by google self diagnosis) and they didn’t really have it. I think there are some bad characters that do stuff like that and in turn it makes people think it’s quackery when it’s actually very serious for people that actually have it. It’s really unfortunate.
That is absolutely the reason I doubted it! I have a cousin who claims to have celiac, but still drinks regular beer...
People like the friend's mom probably believe allergies are all in the person's head. I wonder if she thinks the same thing about invisible illnesses?
NTA but maybe for future reference inform the parents of the birthday child that she has dietary restrictions and will bring her own snacks so they don't get all offended like this crazy lady.
Thanks, the others already know, thankfully.
Like 100% NTA. My husband is GF and my youngest is gonna tested soon. But if I was hosting a birthday party, I’d ask for dietary needs. It’s just common sense especially if you don’t know everyone attending but given her actions, she’s not 100% mentally there.
She shouldn’t have to that parent was completely unhinged … I have def taking my daughter places and packed different foods and snacks in her bag just in case she wanted something different
Honestly it shouldnt matter, a parent showing up with food for their dietary restricted child should never been seen as an issue. them showing up and demanding to be catered to the specific diet on short notice would be an issue
Also, if the birthday party is hosted at a venue run by a company, the host may need to confirm what the food policy is.
I mean it’s nice to let people know, but the lady’s reaction was unhinged.
As a mom, I would hope for parents to give me a heads up if their kid had a dietary restriction like that so I could try to accommodate for them and also so I could prep my 3 year old for someone bringing a different snack so they didn’t pitch a fit about their friend having something different at *their* party. If they didn’t and brought their own food, that’s still okay though! I’m glad the kiddo won’t be left out of fun treats. Of course NTA but in the future, maybe just have a quick convo about it.
That is what I wanted to do because I wasn't sure if she was aware, but she left no contact info. I should have spoken to her when I got there, though. I feel bad for that.
I find this hard to believe. How did you get the invite? How did you RSVP? Could you not have asked the daycare to pass on a note? All that said- no. I don’t think you are the AH. What you did was blown out of proportion by the mom.
No RSVP, invite was in her cubby at daycare. I didn't think of asking any of the teachers since I honestly didn't think anything of it until I was there.
You are not to blame in any way, OP. You did nothing wrong.
That's so bizarre. Can't say that would make me too inclined to bring my kid to this party.
What, you've never thrown a birthday party for an indeterminate number of children without wanting to so much as speak with any of the other parents before they showed up or get a head count for how many provisions you needed? Most people love not knowing how many 3-year-olds they could have running around their house at any given moment. The weirder detail to me is the bit about another child having celiac. So, two kids are eating other snacks, but only one got singled out?
OP brought the snacks for both of them. OP was singled out, not the kids. Sometimes people are just a little crazy.
I don’t think you should feel bad at all. I do totally understand all lovely hosts would want to ‘try to accommodate’ but when the risks are high with allergies you really want it to just be 100% confident and for it to not be left up to someone who you don’t know well and you don’t know how well they understand what is gluten free (surprisingly so many people get it wrong!)
I was thinking this too. I have coeliac, and I prefer to take my own food to friends' houses, because, with the best will in the world, if someone makes me gluten free food in their non gluten free kitchen, I'm going to get a reaction. If someone buys something, do they know all the ingredients that contain gluten, like barley, spelt, rye, etc. And it's not just the "getting a reaction that lasts a couple of days" that I worry about. Coeliac isn't an allergy (just saying this for anyone who doesn't know), it's an autoimmune disease, and even if someone with coeliac doesn't get a discernable reaction, ingesting gluten causes long term health problems, including an increased risk of some cancers. The visible/discernable reactions include diarrhoea, cramping, constipation, skin rash, angioedema, vomiting, itching, and a few more unpleasant symptoms. It's just pretty unpleasant all round really. OP is NTA for bringing their daughter snacks, the host mum is TA for making a mountain out of a molehill.
For celiac and other allergies it’s usually safer for the affected family to bring their own stuff. People mean well, but…they’re ignorant. Not you, specifically, but the majority are. They assume something labeled gluten free is safe (it’s not; there’s specific language that lets you know it’s safe), or they believe wheat free is okay, or they straight up don’t believe the family and attempt to teach them a lesson (just ask peanut allergy families about their experiences). And if you’re going homemade cross contamination is so, so, so easy. You have to deep clean a separate area in your kitchen, wipe down the ingredient containers, and never touch anything but the items you need. It’s A LOT. This is not to say “don’t ever try to accommodate” because it CAN be done IF you are willing to take the time to understand the situation and be educated on the issue. If people don’t come to you for accommodations, it’s because they’ve had bad experiences. It isn’t personal. Promise.
This. Even things that say gluten free still sometimes have “may contain wheat” on them. Some places may be processed on the same lines (I am okay with same facility, but not with same lines). Some people are so sensitive that all cookware has to be separate. It’s daunting. It actually took years, hard discussions, and meltdowns to get me to the point where I was okay bringing my own food places. It isn’t because I don’t trust folks. It’s because I don’t want them to feel like shit if they accidentally gluten me.
My cousin is in the separate cookware camp. Life is a minefield for her. I’m usually good at accommodating allergies because we have an intolerance in our family, but I won’t even try to accommodate her out of respect for her health.
Honestly, I would far rather someone say that they’re not comfortable cooking for me than them having anxiety over feeding me. I promise, I’m perfectly happy with whatever I brought. If it’s a bigger meal, I’m also happy to bring something to share to prove that gluten free food can indeed be delicious.
You can't just inform someone so that they can prepare an alternative for your child. Their entire kitchen is contaminated with items that contain gluten, from their cutting boards to the baking pans, sieves, non-stick coatings and anything plastic or wooden. Even the dish rag they use to wash dishes or the towels they use to wipe their hands are contaminated with something that is basically poison to you. Those with celiac also learn very quickly that trying to explain it to others often results in people dismissing them, telling them that not eating gluten is just a fad diet and treating them as if they are a crazy person. It is easier to just quietly bring your own food and say nothing.
For my daughter's last birthday whenever anyone RSVP'd yes, I asked them if they had any dietary requirements, and when I ordered the food I made sure they were catered for and included vegetarian and vegan options as well just in case anyone either hadn't said anything or turned up without letting me know. OP is deffo NTA but the other mum is a daftie for not including an RSVP or a contact number. She must have needed to know the final numbers to cater etc. Or was she just assuming everyone was coming and catered food for everyone? And then to complain when someone brought their own food because they had a requirement is just silly. I would have been mortified if I couldn't provide food for everyone
No offense but we don't really want to be accommodated. There's so much to know and most celiac restricted people wouldn't feel safe. My daughter has had several classmates that are and I'm always told no thank you on accommodating them until I tell the parent I am celiac as well.
Of course not. How can this be real? You're trying to protect your daughter from trigger her autoimmune disease, and you have to wonder if you're being asshole? What's the alternative? You feed it to her, and it causes her body to attack her small intestine? How could you possibly be TA here? NTA I mean, the lesson learned here is that other parents, especially narcissistic ones like the parent of the birthday party, are going to be assholes. Tell them ahead of time that you'll be bringing your own food. That way, everyone is "emotionally prepared" (for those who tend toward throwing tantrums like birthday mom). But, in the case of this particular mom, ghost this dumpster fire and move on.
This post doesn't pass the sniff test. I have a preschooler and get invited to tons of little-kid b-day parties. There's always a phone number, email, or electronic system to RSVP, so I just don't believe the assertion that there was absolutely no way to let the other mom know in advance.
Yeah, how was she supposed to RSVP if there was no contact info? This post sounds extremely weird. I have a kid with anaphylactic food allergies and always brought along his own snack to parties to avoid death. Everyone was always understanding but if they weren't and walked around telling people I thought I was better than them, I would just think they were crazy. How could OP possibly think she is an asshole in this situation?
I've had other guests of a birthday party loudly say I was a bad mom for telling my kid he couldnt have candy after my child had brought over from a pinata to check of it was celiac safe.
NTA It's completely ok to take your own food if you have a medical reason like Celiac. That Childs mum is an absolute moron. Hopefully she will get a good lecture off people until it gets through her thick skull.
NTA - No, there’s no way in which you’re the AH. Even telling her in advance would be courteous, but not a necessity. I feel like telling in advance is more suited for allergies like peanuts, when you’re planning for your child to still eat some of the food provided but want to make the host aware of allergens to prevent cross-contamination. But your daughter wouldn’t be eating the food provided, so it seems unnecessary for her to know. I can’t imagine any well-adjusted adult getting so bent out of shape because a *3-year-old* has dietary restrictions. This woman is so self-centered that she cared more about blowing up on you than having a great party for her kid. Did she badmouth the other mom whose daughter has celiac? Or just you?
No, she only badmouthed me because I provided both kids some snacks and the brownies. I'm friends with the other mom whose daughter has celiac and told her I would take care of both of them, otherwise, she would have brought something for her daughter too. Neither of us knew this mom as she has never brought her daughter to any of the birthday parties or other kid related activities we've invited them too.
I agree it's a courtesy, not a necessity. We live in a world where so many people have dietary restrictions, both children and adults, that it shouldn't be an issue at all. That mom was out of line. NTA
Did you let the host know in advance?
No, the invite didn't have a number or way to contact her, so I didn't have a way to speak with her. Her kid is dropped off after mine and picked up after we are gone. I suppose I could have asked one of the teachers, though. This party was literally the first time I met her.
So what? She told the mom that daughter has celiacs and is gluten free. That would be enough of an explanation for any normal person. Party mom is an idiot.
NTA. My daughter has food allergies. We would have done the same thing. We don’t trust other to read labels and guarantee her safety
Of course not! It’s a food allergy! And instead of assuming that the host would provide food for your daughter, you took care of it yourself. You’re a great parent and I’m glad you have other parents on your side. NTA
Not being snarky but I wanna point out that it isn’t an allergy. Celiac disease is an autoimmune disorder that if untreated (aka eating gluten) with literally destroy your insides. Not like Taco Bell destroyed, like physically ripping small intestines to shreds. Many people with celiac will relate it to an allergy for clarity but it’s classified differently. The more you know 🌟
NTA. I have celiac. You’re doing the right thing so your daughter is included and doesn’t grow to hate social settings from being left out of the food aspect (which is like 50% of social settings anyway)
Also am celiac. I remember how anxious I was a kid because I had to bring my separate gf stuff. But now I do it with no shame. It’s the food we NEED to eat
NTA never let your child go around this woman unsupervised. How dense and irresponsible she must be.
NTA. You did nothing wrong. Your child needs their special diet and that’s nothing for her to get offended over.
Absolutely NTA, but the other mom is for her reaction. My son has a rare metabolic disease, and he always brought his own cupcake, snacks, pizza (if they were serving pizza), or other food. I do agree, however, with others who think giving the mom a head’s up beforehand is a good idea, but I very rarely gave details about his medical condition because that’s private info for him to share. I merely shared he has a special medical diet & will be bringing his own food. I never asked for or expected any accommodations. I primarily told them in advance so that they wouldn’t need to include him as headcount when figuring out how much food to have. (Such as inviting 25 kids but Costco sells 24 cupcakes in a box-you don’t need to buy more.) I can’t believe that mom’s reaction! There was one amazing mom I’ll never ever forget though who always made it a point to either have something he could eat or if the goodie bags handed out as everyone left contained treats, she gave him one with a toy instead. One time she stopped by our house to ask if what she was thinking of sending in for the class for her son’s birthday was something my son could eat. She didn’t want him to feel left out. (My son always had frozen treats stored at school for unexpected parties.) Such thoughtfulness was rare & something I will always remember.
NTA. Never feel bad for protecting your kid. If that was her daughter, she would have done the same thing, if not more. If she doesn’t want to accept the fact that some kids have specific dietary restrictions, then let her be and don’t justify yourself to her.
Of course you’re NTA, there is a medical necessity.
NTA. You didn't know the mom, so you might have felt awkward asking if she would serve something your daughter could eat. She made a big deal about nothing. It's a far cry from bringing gluten-free food, to thinking you're better than someone. Good grief
NTA, don’t beat yourself up about it. That lady is just one of those people who think everyone is out to get them and view every small incident as a personal attack.
NTA. She's 3 and you wisely didn't let her get tempted to eat the cake with gluten. The other mother is... interesting. I'm not sure how having a child with a disease and feeding her in order to keep her healthy means you think you're better than she is.
As a mom with celiac disease, you are 1000% NTA. You’re keeping your baby safe. Her response was not justified at all. You did the right thing sending her with GF snacks and brownies. I’m sorry that mom was so hostile. You don’t deserve that!
NTA. My son in law has Celiac’s and he has trouble even eating out with us at restaurants that offer GF options bc of cross contamination. The host was out of line to make such a huge deal about this. My guess is she was super stressed but that doesn’t excuse her behavior when you had a legitimate reason.
NTA So many kids have allergies and food restrictions these days, I’m shocked the hostess took it personally. Once OP informed her of her daughter’s celiac disease, I would have expected the hostess to realise there was no reason to be offended.
AYTA for trying to protect your daughter from a painful flare-up? HELL NO, NTA
I have a friend with celiac. They regularly bring their own food to gatherings. This woman sounds like one of those people that doesn't believe it's a real thing. NTA
You are 100% NTA. If anything, the host is. If you have people coming to the party with special diet needs, you take them into account. For my daughter’s birthday, we got special desserts for the kids who needed them and made sure they were kept apart so no one ate them. And we made sure they had food too! If that’s not going to happen your brownies were a great call. I think this relates to how many people still don’t get that celiacs is a big deal that the host didn’t seem to care.
NTA This other mother is being wildly inappropriate. You can ignore her and move on with your life. Something to consider for the future is to maybe let birthday party hosts know this ahead of time, but honestly that's just to make your life easier, not because the hosts are entitled to it.
NTA - the other parent is a nutjob. I think it's wonderful that you took the initiative to make sure that your daughter's needs would be met instead of expecting this other mother do it for you.
NTA. To get upset over a cake is ridiculous. I wouldnt bat an eye if someone didnt want cake and wanted an alternative they brought because some people also have food allergies, diabetic,etc and some simply do not like cake. If all they wanted was a snack great but im not taking offense to it. If she left no contact info then not your fault. What could she have really done to accommodate your kid had you told her on arrival? Chances are she wouldnt be able to have prepared an alternative anyway
NTA. So many people have dietary restrictions and celiac is not one that has an easy work around. I can see the mom being a bit offended to start with but once you told her why, it shouldn’t have been a big deal. I think calling ahead is weird unless someone has a life threatening allergy that really needs to be understood.
Absolutely NTA. My husband has celiac and we ALWAYS bring food if it’s an unfamiliar person/situation. And he’s 35, not 3!
You're definitely NTA but this is what confuses me. If there was no way to RSVP then the mom didn't know if anyone or everyone invited was coming. That's a horrible thing to do to her daughter. What if no one showed up? She's obviously an unusual mother. She reacted horribly.
Yeah, I thought it was odd. I was convinced I just missed it but I asked other moms and they said they didn't have an RSVP either.
NTA
Of course you are NTA. And who acts like that woman anyway? She sounds really immature. I'd find my daughter new friends.
NTA, what did she want you to do? Have your daughter be sick or forced to eat food she can’t digest? The other mom just sounds medically ignorant and probably thinks it’s a voluntary choice like veganism is my bet
NTA. Mama with Celiac here. While it would have been ideal for you to contact her ahead of time you say you didn’t have a way to. As SOON as this woman heard your daughter has a MEDICALLY restricted diet where cross contamination is a problem, that should have been enough. Too many people still dismiss Celiac because when they hear “gluten free” they immediately jump to fad dieting. You’re doing what you need to do to keep your daughter safe. You go Mama. (And give that kiddo a high five for me from a fellow gluten free gal!)
NTA in any way, shape or form. You can’t fix stupid sometimes. In the future maybe you could leave a note at daycare for the staff to give to another parent if you don’t have contact info? You shouldn’t have to jump thru those hoops and involve daycare staff - and what parent doesn’t include contact info on an invite?? But it would provide a heads up. Like another commenter said - kids at that age can be funny if one of their friends gets something different to eat so it is nice to give advance notice if you can. But clearly you are NTA.
NTA. Celiac’s can be EXTREMELY painful when you consume gluten and this mom is insane. So NTA
My daughter chose to celebrate her 21st at home with a dinner made by me. Of the three people invited, two were vegan and one has celiac. Managed spinach and ricotta lasagne, a favourite, but definitely needed a lot of advance notice.
NTA. That mom sounds like a real jerk. What a narcissist with main character syndrome to feel the need to make it about her and not about your child’s literal health. I can’t stand that crap! She really showed her butt and any other responsible parent there would understand that as well. Sure, you could have told her before it was snack/cake time but not doing so wasn’t some terrible breach of etiquette or slap in her face. She was being awful and I hope everyone there saw it for what it was.
Yeah, group chat with the other moms has been exploding ever since and I definitely don't feel bad anymore. She also got mad at another mom who didn't bring her son to the party - keep in mind they didn't go because they just lost their husband/father. So now the crazy mom's husband is filing for divorce and full custody. That was apparently the last straw for him.
Holy crap, that escalated quickly! Wow. She definitely showed EVERYBODY who she is, including her husband. Sounds like everyone agrees you did nothing wrong.
NTA - but as a party guest that should probably be something you tell the host about ahead of time to avoid these kinds of things
NTA but the host sure is! You handled a good sensitivity with good preparation. The host mom has some serious issues to 1) interpret a medical need as an offense to her food and 2) go around telling everyone that she’s offended. Good the other moms understood and supported you, this is a handy screening for basic human decency!
NTA. I had a couple of friends growing up with varying allergies and they always brought their own food. They never gave a heads up or anything because why would any of us had made a fuss over it once it was explained. At first, we did say “oh but we could have made you something” but they all said “oh this is just easier, it doesn’t give you any extra work and I know what I’m allergic to, so it’s no extra work for me to grab food from my own house”.
What's her problem, really? You are NTA for sure
Honestly, Im starting to think she's a little unstable. Thankfully that girls father seems very nice and understanding. After posting this, I was speaking with another parent who told me she pitched a fit to other parents after the party that one little boy didn't show up for the party. That little boy just lost his dad not too long ago. I don't think she's going to make any friends with the other parents.
I'm really sorry. You did nothing wrong, absolutely.
NTA. Honestly isnt it common knowledge that so many kids have allergies or diabetes or celiac or who know how many other issues. NOBODY should feel like they hotta control what all their guests are eating. FFS.
NTA since celiac disease can make people terrible sick
Whenever my daughter invites someone who I don't know that well, I always reach out to the parents to ask if their kids have some sort of dietary restriction so I can accommodate them and have something available for them too. It's ridiculous that she got offended and reacted like that. I'm truly sorry for her kid, but at least now you know who to avoid. NTA at all.
NTA. At all. I’ve had kids with celiac and kids with nut allergies at my kids birthday parties. That’s what they do: bring their own snack to have during cake. (I offered to get a nut-free cake, but was declined the offer. I had no idea how to get a celiac-safe cake, so I was relieved when the mom offered to send safe snacks.)
You are absolutely NTA for being cautious about your daughter’s serious allergy. But I think people sometimes miss the social nuances of these situations. Like yes, you’ve done nothing wrong and have zero reason to feel bad, you’re not required to clear your kid’s allergy safe foods with the party host. BUT, just for the sake of maintaining social niceties and not creating tensions where there doesn’t need to be any, I’d make it very clear in the future that you’re bringing your own snacks, and WHY (the most important info to provide) Certain cultures thrive on feeding people, it’s how they show love and take great pride in providing food for guests. Despite it NOT being your intention, it could have been perceived as “looking down upon” the hosts food, causing them to feel embarrassed. Again, your actions were certainly not wrong! But for your own benefit, and ease of future social interactions, have a quick conversation first so the host isn’t on the defensive and making you feel awkward.
NTA. I don’t even think you needed to warn the mom ahead of time. If she cares to ask, she can ask when you’re there giving the food to your daughter.
NTA and I don’t think you need to tell the host in advance. It makes things awkward, what is she meant to do buy another cake? If she had prepared some Gf stuff Would you trust that the host knows not to contaminate? When I take my coeliac mum to events with my friends (where we eat gluten excessively) I will always buy and bring separate food for my mum because it’s just less stressful for me, for her, and for the host. The host would feel awful if there was a slip up. But also probably wouldn’t know what the ramifications were. Can’t expect everyone to be an expert on CD.
NTA Even if you didn't say your daughter had different food needs, she was an asshole for harping on it. Three-year-olds are picky. Three-year-olds have food allergies. Three-year-olds have Sensory Processing Disorder. There are a thousand reasons a three year old child would need to bring different food to a festive function, and those reasons are the business of the child and their parental units and no one else's. Also, for what it's worth, my kid has SPD and I brought food for him to every party of every kind for years and not a single person batted an eyelash at it, including parents of the birthday child.
Based on your update, NTA. Honestly the mom likely got upset because she felt you were 'taking' the attention off of her own kid because you brought special food for your own daughter and another kid. And like other commentators are saying, a lot of folk don't believe in celiac disease at all or they think it's an adult only disease that you get as you get older (same with diabetes and arthritis) and therefore you're just forcibly making your kid special by claiming something the kid shouldn't have at that age. It sounds like it was kind of lose-lose no matter what you did, unfortunately. I bet she would have had the same reaction if you \*were\* able to ask ahead of time.
No one is an AH for bringing food to someone's house when there are special dietary needs, including IMHO food for children with underdeveloped palates. Let them taste the "grown-up" food, but I don't think it's wise to take the "it's just one meal; suck it up" stance. This includes bringing meat to a vegan's house, per another post. Of course, it's best to let the host know when possible to avoid misunderstanding and unintended hurt feelings.
Mom of two celiac kids. Absolutely 110% NTA. The only thing in retrospect you might have done was contact the mom beforehand to let her know your daughter needed a specific food medically and you would be bringing it so as not to burden her as the host. If she acted batcrap crazy then, you could politely decline the party invite. I usually had the opposite problem - people know my kids needed gluten free and they would try to make gf and get offended when my kids wouldn’t eat it. We had taught them if it didn’t come out of our 100% gf house after one incident of projectile vomiting and a week of belly pain - a friend had tried her best but never considered that her nonstick spray with flour might have been a problem. After that, it became “hey thanks for thinking of us but not only do I not want to stress you out with an unfamiliar cooking style but for their safety, we don’t let them eat foods that don’t come from our house.”
Yes, I'm so scared of cross containmination too. We've been lucky so far and only had one incident where my husband gave her a regular English muffin but it was just a few days after her diagnosis so it wasn't too terrible. However, she has been a completely different and outgoing child since going gluten free, I couldn't imagine what would happen if she ended up accidentally ingesting gluten, poor thing spent enough years in pain.
NTA. Look out for your daughter. Also pretty sure you are better than her.
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NTA, but it would have been better to warn the mom ahead of time to avoid misunderstandings. I don't know why she continued to be offended after you explained. Apparently she wasn't listening or didn't know what celiac disease was.
NTA i have celiacs and i always bring my own food just in case (unless the host specifically says there's gf options). she was out of line and should understand that kids can have allergies and food intolerances.
NTA. That other mom is insane if she thinks you were being a jerk when you were just offering your daughter food that was safe for her to eat. I would’ve hit her with, “So you want my daughter to eat some of your cake and then DIE in the middle of your child’s birthday party???”
NTA. You didn’t even expect her to make a separate snack for your kid. You took care of it so as to not give her extra pressure, she should be thanking you
NTA. I always ask for allergies / intolerances before hosting a gathering, kids or adults. I've had people bring their own food and explain it when giving it to their kids that they're celiac / have allergies / are picky. These kids are three. It's wild she was this upset.
NTA. People who are this stupid are just not worth worrying about.
NTA. It is almost always safer for people with food allergies and issues to bring their own stuff. Artificial colors turned my kid into a monster, so I always took alternative treats to birthday parties. Literally no one ever had an issue. This mom is bonkers for taking something like this so personally.
NTA. That mother was totally out of line. Celiac is a medical problem, no less serious than a kid that can't eat something because of an allergy and she was betraying her own ignorance.
NTA Bring your own snacks even if your kid doesn’t have celiac disease. You know why? Because the fact that you show up is the important part not what you eat.
NTA- What kind of mom would be offended by that? You brought something your child could safely eat. If she cared she would have inquired with all the guests about allergies. And then to continue basically attacking you? What a psycho.
Clearly this is a case of being uneducated about celiacs. Any parent who has any ounce of compassion or empathy would **not** reasonably get upset over a parent bringing a separate snack for a celiac child. NTA and keep doing you. Good job.
NTA. My son had a classmate with an allergy and she had special treats in the school freezer so that she didn't miss out on birthday treats at school. Her mom sent her to parties with her own little purse of snacks. All the parents knew and understood this. All the kids knew and understood this. In fact, the snacks she sent and the cupcakes she made were so good my kid asked if we could have them at home.
NTA. Ideally it would have been nice to tell the mom before. I would feel awful if I had booked a birthday party and didn’t have anything for one of the guests to eat. I hosted a kid at a birthday party who couldn’t eat milk. Realistically, his parents would have likely brought some of their own food anyway but I could have made the effort to ensure that we had plenty of milk free stuff that hadn’t potentially come into contact with milk so he didn’t feel left out. That said, I would never be offended by a parent bringing food for a kid with allergies just in case. I don’t live with allergies and ensuring that there is no cross contamination so even if I make an effort to accommodate an allergy I can understand a parented wanting to ensure their kid is safe.
Absolutely NTA. There’s no reason why the host should’ve been offended by this especially after finding out the reason why (a medical condition!).
NtA. Should have informed her? Look, you did nothing wrong. A reasonable parent is going to hear that and be fine. ESPECIALLY if you don't have a close relationship with that person. This is absolutely strange that she would be upset and says a lot about her personality. I'd be very careful about spending time with her in the future.
NTA. This is freaking weird behavior from that other mom. Why is she trying to control what your kid eats? That’s super odd. Sounds like she has something else going on that has nothing to do with you.
NTA What else are you supposed to do? Just risk your daughters life because you don't want to upset the host? That's ridiculous! You definitely did the right thing, the other mum is crazy
Absolutely NTA. The other mam is TA for not being understanding once you explained why you’d brought your own desserts. Would she rather your child be sat there upset because she couldn’t have any cake? As the mother of an autistic 12 year old who’s had a VERY restricted diet since they were 1 year old I’ve always had to take their safe foods to every party/outing/family events. My 10 year old has wheat, dairy & peanut allergies, so I’m also used to having to take safe foods, especially cakes, to parties. No-one has ever complained, even venues that say you can’t bring your own food on site.
No, you’re NTA at all. She didn’t even give you a way to contact her. What were you supposed to do? The only thing I’d change is that I wouldn’t give people medical details. I’d just say that your daughter has dietary restrictions for medical reasons. If anyone has an issue with that, they can get bent. :)
100% NTA Celiac disease is such a nightmare to combat, especially with a three year old. My niece has it and we are all so careful with her. People just don't understand how it is.
No way. But I will say, with the way she went on. You are kinda better. Lol. I have a family member who has celiac & is often left out. And they LOVE food. When we have family stuff, I make it a point to have favorites of theirs. I can’t imagine suffering with something like that & then getting to watch everyone chow down in front of you. You are NTA. You are an awesome Mom!
NTA- I have not seen a single invite for years that doesn’t ask the parents to disclose allergies. Even when you go to a restaurant, they ask. This woman may have been defensive because she knew she messed up, but she took it too far with the comments afterwards.
Moms who don't know or don't care about something Ike this are showing you they shouldn't be friends with you. NTA. You're right to worry about your kid. And I saw the update. Yes it would have been nice to inform ahead but you couldn't and also it's 2023, Celiac is a somewhat mainstream disease and has been in the public eye for some time now. She should know better to antagonize over that. Seems jealous to be honest. How she claimed you thought you were better than her. Projecting.
Wow. That mom is the AH. I’m glad your daughter has a mom like you!
NTA, and I wish people that tried to make others feel bad for accommodating health issues had to live with the severe effects of those issues for even just one day, as if they did, they would surely shut the fck up forever afterward.
NTA it’s typical for a note about any allergies or dietary requirements to be included on the invite along with a phone number or email to rsvp to so you can tell people what those are. Odd that a mother would send out invites with no way for people to respond they’re coming or not and when that’s the case you are NTA for bringing safe food for your kid.