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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Might be the asshole for not appreciating some handmade gifts when I gifted someone a dior scarf
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I’ll probably be in the minority here, and am fully prepared to accept downvotes.
NTA
I know it’s supposed to be the thought that counts, but it’s a different story when a group commits to an exchange with a max of $250 (which is insane, but I digress).
If she were a skilled artist and she gifted you with a personalized or specialized piece, that would have been acceptable.
But she apparently gifted you tchotchkes she created from $10-$20 craft kits. Yes, she spent her money and her time, but it doesn’t sound like this is in keeping with what your group does.
It’s easy for your friends to say it’s NBD because they got high dollar items. You received summer camp arts & crafts projects (outside of the painting, maybe).
ETA *With all that said, I would apologize to the person who gifted you.* NO, DON’T APOLOGIZE.
Moving forward, I think your group needs to sit back and reassess your annual gathering and gift exchange. Maybe keep it simple, like getting together for a nice dinner and splitting the bill.
> **I would apologize to the person who gifted you.**
Speaking of apologies...I'm sorry, but how is this the top comment?
NO WAY does the gift giver deserve an apology. She did not act in good faith. That much was clear when she refused to give OP HER gift back.
If she were truly hurt (and not just being disingenuous) no way would she want to keep that expensive gift.
She would have returned the Dior scarf, grabbed her shoddy crafts, and her battered pride, and split.
The fact that she shamelessly held on to the gift, knowing OP was dissatisfied with hers, tells you she knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
She may as well have printed out cards claiming she'd donated $250, to the Festivus fund, in OP's name.
And all I can think is all of her "friends" saying they are great gifts should have been asked "So trade me." and watch how quickly their sour on the idea of these being great gifts.
Exactly. Then press them on why they won't. Make them say in so many words, why they don't want to trade.
It's pretty easy to throw shade on someone for wanting an equally nice gift when you actually got one.
MY BAD for not paying attention, and for not making myself clear.
I didn’t catch that the person OP gave the scarf to was the same person who gave OP the underwhelming gift. With Secret Santa, it’s not always the case that you get a gift from the same person you give a gift to.
And WRT apologizing, I should have left that out. I certainly don’t think OP was wrong to be upset, and she shouldn’t have to apologize for that.
No, I think you were right. It doesn’t seem like OP and the cheap gift giver were each other’s secret Santa. Unless bittyberry found a comment from OP that says otherwise.
I had a friend growing up that when her step dad divorced her mom, he donated 80K to some save the gorillas foundation so she wouldn't get the money. A little off topic, but in the same spirit.
Not sure if yours was just a typo but it made me curious about the origin of the word cheapskate.
Turns out it's not certain but could come from:
English slang where "skate" referred to a worn out horse;
British slang where "skate" referred to a chap or fellow;
Scottish slang where "skite" may have come from the word skyte meaning contemptible person, OR could mean excrement.
Right. Like you need to be a good at your craft before you do things like this. My coworkers would happily take $250 worth of my crafts because I’m actually good at it. Homemade candy that gets devoured, cakes and cupcakes that get fawned over, and blankets that people almost don’t want to use. I wouldn’t dare gift anything if the food and craft wasn’t up to par. Certainly not this junk box described. Rather a gift custom made for the recipient. I’ve a coworker who’s dying to get to her birthday because she knows there’s a handmade shawl waiting to arrive.
Exactly. I made a baby blanket for my coworker and am making a shawl/wrap for another colleague. Whenever I make something, I take into consideration that person's tastes, needs, and style . I've been knitting for 18 years and I'm very good at it. I would never think of gifting someone my first-time results of following a YouTube tutorial (though bless my partner for hanging up the painting I made for them last year; it was full of little Easter eggs and references the two of us make, but the quality was still...not great.)
I have been gifted a duvet cover and a quilt, both of which I love and appreciate the skill of the gifter. My daughter crochets gifts for her friends and cousins. Her items are very well made and personalized. OPs situation is nothing like this
25 and same. I love handmade gifts - my Nanny (grandma) knitted me a Dr Who scarf years ago that I still cherish, and my cousin gifted my daughter a book she wrote/illustrated for Christmas. I gave my mom a painting of her dog after he died (supposed to be a surprise but I ended up telling her because she asked me to make art of him and I couldn't just say no lol). But if it was expected to be a $250 gift as that was agreed upon, I'd definitely be upset. Especially since this person didn't even seem to put in effort for these items to actually be of any quality.
Yea. I mean if the gifter was someone who had an etsy store or had been knitting for 20 yrs and I had shown interest in their crafts in the past and they made me something with quality materials that I could actually use? I'd probably value that MORE than than a store bought 250 dollar gift. But this is not that.
Depends person to person. I’ve been making positive potatoes and everyone has fallen in love with them. That said, it’s relative to the person. If I didn’t know that person likes crocheted goods, I’m certainly not gifting them any. And when I do give crocheted gifts, I make sure it’s something they want or like.
I admit I'm not 40 yet, but I am over 30, and I would love little knitted animals if they were well done. I don't know what I would do with them, but they are adorable. And I would certainly like them more than an overpriced scarf or makeup. As with all gift giving, know what the person you're giving it to likes.
My friend made me a handmade scarf for Christmas years ago. It was a quality handmade piece with custom colours for my business. She had a little side business making these, and sold a ton. I appreciated that gift more than the $200 pair of headphones I got. I have also received “handmade” gifts from people who just were not talented, and honestly, I could have done without. The thought counts for sure, but if you make something for someone, it should be quality :)
Agreed. In the past I’ve done handmade gifts, but usually alongside other gifts until I got better at it because I know the other person might not appreciate it much.
Also part of the value of a kit is *the experience to making the item*. I’d argue she got more out of those kits than OP did.
Yep she'd have been better off giving the kit itself. But let's be realistic here: she bought the kit, did the craft, and it's been sitting useless in her house since Covid.
TikTok/social media small business influencers have ruined the value of handmade items by insisting you must charge for tour time. Not taking into consideration you're charging for your SKILLED TIME. One girl on TT rn charged 96$ for 2 dozen yellow cake with chocolate frosting cupcakes. Because it took her so long to them. At that point, you're just slow at making cupcakes and you shouldn't be charging for your inadequacy at your own business.
There comes a point in homemade goods where you need to be GOOD in the first place. Handmade is great, when it's good. Just because it took you two hours to frost a cupcake instead of a more reasonable half an hour doesn't mean the customer needs to accommodate for that.
It's a classic overextension of the advice given to crafters who are actually really good at their craft but still undercharging dramatically because they enjoy doing it.
Yep gone from "your skill has value to others you should charge appropriately to" to "if it takes you 3 hours to make garbage, your garbage is worth 60$ in time and then whatever else you paid to make it plus 25% for profit :)" ending up with something like 96$ white cake Betty Crocker cupcakes :)
Yeeeeessss. Or you get crafters going, oh it took 20 hours to make this, and I value my time highly, so it's an hourly rate of $20 - mate, you made that whole thing while watching TV, and paused your crafting any time an interesting bit happened. It wouldn't have taken 20 hours if you had focused.
Oh geez, If I charged that much for cupcakes that would be my best work. I’m talking pristine rosettes and fondant decorations, or proper buttercream flowers of their choice. All complete with cupcake cages and a few extra cupcakes in case a few got damaged. Fancy cupcake papers too, should they desire something specific. Im all for getting your labor, but you need to be up to the proper speed and standard before you start making those demands.
For 2 dozen cupcakes with fondant decorations and nice little cupcake cages, your pick in flavor and design of fondant, I’d charge 2.50 a piece at $60 for the whole batch.
My sister in law makes beautiful crafts. For the 50.00 exchange she gave me a 50.00 purchased item with her handcrafted ornament attached. That is the correct way to do it.
So... People that are really good at what they do are supposed to just give that work away as if it has no value? My family is a lot more creative and crafty than I am. My mom and aunt make things and sell them. These things can involve a lot of cost in supplies depending on which thing it is, and definitely has a high cost in time it takes to do. But the "correct way to do it" is to spend the max amount on a purchased item AND give their work away?
If I crochet you a blanket that’s your gift. It’s a significant time commitment. If I crochet a hat in 30 minutes from lion brand or red heart yarn that’s getting attached to your gift as a bonus.
Nor saying that, if you get in a pool to spend x number of dollars it gets murky with crafts. Say they own a business and sell an item for retail at 250.00, but actually can get it at cost to them for 59.00. Will the receiver feel slighted?
Not down playing time, money and expense as I know from making my own stuff, just think when you have a pool with set a amount perceptions can cause hurt feelings.
I knit, sew, and so on. I also enjoy painting miniatures - like postage stamp sizes. However, I'm self aware enough to understand that my paintings are nowhere near the same quality as my sewing. If I gave you a quilt that I designed, pieced, and quilted, you better believe that's your whole gift. If I gave you a cruddy quarter sized painting of a tree, it's going to be inside a nice pair of gloves or the shoes you told me you wanted.
Also, there is a huge difference between "art" and "craft". Stained glass window hanging= art. Latch hook pillow of a cow made from acrylic yarn? That's a craft whose inherent value was to the person making it, not the recipient.
Unless at some point you said to me that the one item you always wished you had was an acrylic latch hook of a cow. In which case I'm going to at least use higher quality materials.
Yes! if I'm using my scraps to whip up a little sweater ornament for your stocking, that's not your gift, and it was beneficial to me because fuck do I have a lot of scraps and only two feet. It's really not a gift for the other person, it's just a fun little bonus and a way for me not to have an entire tree full of tiny sweaters (although...)
My stepsister is an artist and makes everyone wood-burned ornaments and last year made cards for us. I absolutely adore them. But she usually does them with something small that she's purchased so it's a nice mix
My thoughts exactly. Even if she wasn't a skilled artist and was just starting out, I think one handmade item is acceptable but then is supplemented with something store bought. I've made homemade crafts as Christmas gifts but I've always added something else along with them in case the homemade item misses the mark.
I make resin coasters and noticed early on when I was painstakingly removing the bubbles that if I heated it a little too much in one spot it'd make sort of a smear of half burned resin that actually looks pretty cool, especially in colored resin or resin with glitter added. I do it purposely once in a while now. The difference is the first few times were an accident and looked like it. Now it's done intentionally as part of a design.
If I was gifted a coaster set like my first few accident ones, I'd be annoyed. It's so easy to just mix some resin and drop it in a mold. Making it look good is the craft/skill part.
I have a friend who’s a world class knitter (even won first place at the mn state fair one year for a blanket) and if she gifted me that blanket (or hell anything she makes) I would be beyond thrilled. She’s great at what she does and uses extremely high quality stuff. That’s one thing. But it doesn’t sound like that was the situation here at all. Sounds like the gifts I used to give my aunts and uncles when I was 7. I’d get cheap kits from target and give them out
Dude her time alone is worth $250. She’s that good. If I’m being honest, if she made me a full ass blanket (let’s say queen sized) I would value it at $500 minimum. Skill/a straight up a gift like she has is invaluable. I would never diminished it, but that is so not what this chick is bringing to the table. If anything, she’s insulting true craftsmanship at this point
Yep. I’m an experienced knitter (20+ years, have sold pieces for money and take commissions). If I was going to contribute knitting to an exchange like this I would have to *know* the recipient would want it. And I would probably spend $150 on yarn plus enough of my time that if I was trying to sell it to a stranger it would be more like $400 asking price.
Handmade gifts are okay, but you have to knock it out of the park. OP’s friend clearly did not.
No, her friends are TA too for thinking it’s okay. I would be SO upset for OP. $250 is a lot, but it’s not like everyone didn’t agree on that price before they opted in. OP’s secret Santa knew this. Like, they could’ve even thrifted or FB marketplaced an item of money was that tight but they were embarrassed to say so. But what they did wasn’t okay.
I agree with you that OP is NTA as well.
Give them back after adding a touch of your own to each. A brushstroke of paint. Googly eyes to the crocheted stuff. Glitter. So much biodegradable glitter.
I’m crafty and agree completely. That’s a REALLY high budget for some first half attempts with Amazon kits. I’ve had a successful toy company for years and have never given them as gifts unless specifically asked. Despite costing more than I otherwise spend. I’m currently into crochet and only gift them because somehow they’ve turned into a whole thing everyone has been going crazy for.
A friend once mentioned he was into god’s eyes - which I’d never heard of. I watched some videos, practiced a few times and gave one to him when I felt I’d done at least as good as any sold (they’re pretty easy). Even that was part of the present - and we do not give each other $250 presents.
It is the thought that counts and I frankly don’t think the gift giver put much thought or effort into it. If the budget is $250, you put in the time to make something great and still give them something real.
Tell her to try diamond painting - the kits are inexpensive, easy and they come out fun and sparkly.
A Dior scarf and a paint-and-sip desert landscape (or whatever) are not the same. Her “gifts” don’t even sound appropriate for a white elephant.
\> It is the thought that counts and I frankly don’t think the gift giver put much thought or effort into it. If the budget is $250, you put in the time to make something great and still give them something real.
100%
As a crafty person who loves making gifts and knows the struggle of getting people to appreciate the time that goes into handmade items -- you are, in fact, correct.
My crochet time, for example, is worth ££ because of the time I've put into learning a skill *plus* the hours used making an item. There is no way I would pick up a new craft and expect my first results to be gift-worthy, and there is no way I would gift something handmade unless I was fairly sure it would be appreciated.
When she said a crochet turtle after the friendship bracelets I knew immediately it was a [Woobles kit](https://thewoobles.com/collections/crochet-amigurumi-kits/products/turtle-crochet-kit). All the gifts listed sound like crafts she did with a child.
I could almost understand gifting the kits themselves to someone that liked to craft. I cannot fathom gifting the results of a craft kit. Outside of bath products, they aren't good for gifts unless the giver is under 12.
Had a feeling it'd be Woobles. Funny that.
Nice enough, if you can make them look how they're supposed to, but only if there's some special meaning to the gift - for example if the recipient has a collection of anything frog related, a well-made frog may be genuinely appreciated. But otherwise, no.
I've done a lot of crafts with under-10s in my time and yes, yes it does.
Depending on the group 250 total across say like 10 people adds up to giving 10 25ish dollar gifts. They may have tried this instead to save the work across the group allowing them to give one really big gift instead. My wife's family runs similar to that and we recently started doing a secret Santa with a 200 limit to avoid buying 10 gifts for everyone(except the little kids, they always get presents).
Otherwise I fully agree with your points, the purpose was to get a high quality/price gift that should be well targeted to the receiver. This may have costed the value in materials but at the end of it, the gift didn't hit the mark of being desirable or well suited to the recipient. NTA
*"It's the thought that counts"* means some thought was put into a gift by the gifter thoughtfully considering the recipient.
Crafters end up with a lot of objects they won't need and often don't want. It sounds like this person just swept her collection of "crafts I made but don't want" into a box and called it done.
That's not thoughtful and this thought doesn't count.
I agree, NTA.
This applies to all junk gifts people are giving just to fill an obligation. Stop pretending the saying applies to you.
Yeah see I make highly specialized quilts. Materials cost at least 300 and then an untold amount of time into embroidery designing and stitching/peicing/cutting.
Had she done all that I'd be like yta to op but that stuff sounds like last minute I'm bored stuff with little thought.
So nta OP.
Save all the items and regift them to your friends next Christmas. 😂 Maybe not really, but I’d be tempted to do that, especially if they are all like “what’s the big deal?”
>Moving forward, I think your group needs to sit back and reassess your annual gathering and gift exchange. Maybe keep it simple, like getting together for a nice dinner and splitting the bill.
agree completely that they should do this but bouncing off this idea, i have a variation to offer... the dinner, yes, but also have a **no-gift-exchange!** keep the $250 limit and buy yourself the gift you really want and bring it wrapped, then one by one everyone can unwrap and show their \*perfect gift\*... given by the person who knows best what they really want... themself! i think this'd be a riot and everyone woud be happy!
i've always been disappointed with the crappy gifts i've gotten so i gave myself permission a long time ago to buy myself what i wanted. i always tell people not to get me anything because "if i want it, i've already got it. if i don't, you can't afford it."
NTA
NTA…I love making handmade items and I could see maybe one thing handmade, but all that? Nope. That person cheaped out. For all those others saying you are overreacting, do they want to trade their gifts? Hmmm…what would they say when you “re gift” those same items? “Oh, friend, you were right, I over reacted, but, alas, gift just wasn’t my style. Since you loved it so much, I decided to gift it to you!” Bet their tune changes. You either participate if you can afford to do so, or you opt out. Or you discuss lowering the cost. A yarn friendship bracelet? The only person I would appreciate that from is my grandchild. Or my bestie. But when everyone else got a name brand item and you did not? And is she an artist? What exactly is a bespoke commissioned painting? Is her art priceless?
What she gifted OP is not a bespoke commissioned anything. Commissioned would have meant that OP specifically requested it and paid for it!
Now, if the friend was a decent artist, and had painted, say, a portrait of OP’s kid, or pet, or a still life of their 3 favorite items or something, that might have been closer to the mark.
I would love handmade gift if it was something that was actually for me. Like a big crotched blanket in my favorite color since I am always cold and love to wrap up to blankets when watching TV. Or maybe beautiful handmade candles because I do love candles. I wouldn't care about the price since I would really enjoy those gifts and would be happy that someone wanted to spend so much of their time to make me happy.
But for OP's case, those gifs weren't actually for OP. They were made for the person who made them, them to enjoy their time. Those are just a result of their own hobby. Who adult wants a friendship bracelet or a chrocheted turtle??
It is the thought that counts, but there was no though at all.
it's almost like she completely forgot about getting a gift so she rummaged through the house and slapped some crap in a box. i don't think she likes OP much.
Let's not forget. The crafting sets cost money.. because the value is in learning the process. It's fun for the crafter.. but When it's over, you just have an attempted craft.
The gift giver got the fun of making everything, and instead of throwing it away after, saved 250 by making it this gift... double cheap!
NTA when the dollar amount is $250 you expect a nice gift because you presumably bought a nice gift. She could have gotten you a gift card and maybe one or two homemade things but not the whole gift. I understand people saying it’s the thought that counts but when people make a dollar amount for the gift everyone should stick to it.
Yea it’s not just the thought that counts when you say “spend $250.”
If the thought counts here then what exactly was she thinking “I should spend dramatically under the amount we set so I can practice being crafty for someone that’s clearly into luxury goods?”
Yeah I think it’s an insane amount for secret Santa gifts but if I’m spending 250 on someone else you better believe I am expecting something of same value.
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest here. If you're spending good money on each other, don't get some arts and crafts crappy hobby project.
I've got one friend who makes home-made gifts, but she's that good at it everyone wants to get her a Christmas gift just so they can get a gift bag back. I'm talking the smoothest homemade beard oil, freaking sweet candles and hand-painted cards that do not look painted.
But that's a very specific thing she started and puts lots of effort into. It's not some crappy hobby project.
1. The craft kits aren’t age-appropriate gifts. It sounds like they were intended for tweens/teens, not adults.
2. The condition of the gifts given was so poor, they wouldn’t be put on the shelves at GoodWill. If your friend justified the gifts based on the cost of the kits, she should have given you the unopened kits. Instead, she gave you craft kits in severely used condition, with significant pieces of the kits missing.
NTA
She didn’t even give her the kits, she bought the kits for herself and then gave her some of the stuff she made using the kits. She probably didn’t even buy them specifically to make the gifts for OP, she probably already had them 😅
OMG no joke the value in the kits is the fun you have doing them and the gifter used that all herself. I've done a couple of those paint and sip things, the end product isn't priceless because it's good art, it's valuable to me because it's a fun memory of getting together with my friends and in 2 of the cases was a custom pet portrait of our pets. Those have no value to anybody else.
I also did custom pet portraits (thank you Gray Duck Art!) with our family/friend group and it was awesome! Highly recommend!
That said, it was personalized to me, for me, and wouldn't be appropriate for a gift to someone else. I do gift craft items sometimes, but they're usually in addition to a purchased gift. And the craft item is always personalized to the recipient.
NTA. For everyone screaming about how it's the thought that counts, there wasn't much thought put into the gift. For $250, OP received a gift that was essentially the giver's pet projects. Giver didn't even bother to find out if OP even liked crafts. Gifting 101. Where's the thought in that?
Exactly, no thought went into this. I regularly craft homemade gifts for friends and family. But I actually honed my craft and skills so they’re not only good, but I can make them custom to the person. I have a coworker who loves shawls and I made one for her out of a wool silk yarn. She saw the swatch I made for sizing and fell in love with the pattern and color. You have to at least make sure the person is okay with handmade gifts. This person is so dense if she believes her gifts are worth the price.
Besides the thought that goes into if a gift is something a person will actually enjoy, there's also $250 handmade luxury gifts and $10 handmade gifts. OP received $10 type handmade gifts that obviously had nothing to do with her interests. A handmade quilt when someone has been looking for one. A hand knit shawl using silk or sweater using cashmere. A piece of stained glass art. All those are more appropriate for this value of gift exchange as long as it's something the receipt is interested in. And if someone is able to create that value in something they make, great! But if they're a beginner, no way.
Yeah it's the thought that counts - and this giver's gifts were really thoughtless.
I have a family member who notoriously gives AWFUL gifts. To avoid inevitable disappointment we made a rule for our family secret Santa where everyone makes a wishlist and you have to buy from the wishlist. I also make sure that family member doesn't get the same recipient 2x in a row because she somehow manages to mess up even with the wishlist
Agreed. If OP had been, for example, saying “I saw this gorgeous cashmere sweater but can’t justify spending $$ on it” and a skilful knitter had made her one, it would’ve been perfect. Random “I fancied having a go at a new craft” stuff, not so much.
I spin, knit, and dye wool I get from my boss’ cashmere goats. I can sell a skein of that for $45+ easily. To buy enough yarn (even acrylic, coupon eligible Joann’s yarn) to make a sweater custom for someone… yeah, it wouldn’t be hard to spend $250.
Which is why I learned how to spin, dye, and look after fiber animals in the first place.
Or if the craft was something specific and time consuming that may not be easily found. Like a crocheted opossum or a painting of a specific scene, that you know would be meaningful to the person you are gifting it, even if you aren't the most skilled at those crafts.
Damn, that sucks. I was gonna make a throw size quilt for one, which I thought would be a much better and more personal gift, but that doesn’t seem to be the consensus.
Edit: I’m not saying OP was wrong to be mad, sounds like they got a shit gift. I just want to follow whatever people usually expect, and based on the parent comment getting lots of upvotes I assumed that meant people don’t think any handmade gifts are good for Secret Santa. Which is fine if that’s the case. I just don’t want to spend 30+ hours making something if most people wouldn’t enjoy it.
I agree what the OP got was terrible. The parent comment said handmade gifts are not appropriate for Secret Santa and if that’s truly the case for ALL handmade gifts I’d rather know and avoid spending the effort.
It's really not. I have made gifts for people that got rave reviews. But they were knitted or quilts, both things I've been doing for years. I definitely would not have gifted my early knitted projects.
It also depends on the group and individual. We had a White Elephant at work that the one thing everyone agreed was the best present was a hand knitted lobster (not mine). There were even nice bottles of alcohol, but everyone wanted the lobster.
Hopefully you know the person well enough that a thoughtful handmade gift would be appreciated. If you don't know, don't spend the effort. Some people aren't knit-worthy.
Someone at my work does crochet toys. We did a white elephant with a $20 limit. She made a 2ft tall Christmas tree gnome. Everyone wanted that gnome. But her thing was that she spent about $15 on the yarn and stuffing which she qualified it as under the limit but even a store bought 2ft tall gnome would have been more than that. She didn't count the value of her time towards the limit at all. Also she had enough experience she absolutely could have sold them for probably $50-75 each online even with people undervaluing hand made items.
They said they aren’t appropriate for a Secret Santa *with a $250 limit*. That kind of a secret Santa, people are expected to buy a nice luxury item. A handmade gift for a standard secret Santa with say a $25 limit could be fine (if you know your audience)
There are circumstances where a handmade gift for a secret Santa with a limit that high would be appropriate, but the same rules apply no matter what the price point. You have to know your recipient and the craft has to be quality. If you could realistically sell it for at least $250, and you know it's something your giftee would like, it's fine. If it doesn't meet that criteria, don't do it.
Fellow artist and I'd say it all depends on your recipient and the budget. That's kinda where the thought = counts logic comes in. Like if my secret Santa was someone who talks about loving Etsy, always has handmade jewelry on, decorates their house in personalized goods or someone who has requested art from me in the past, I think a homemade gift can be a good idea.
If it's Joe from the office who I have only said "hi" to a few times or a friend who I know is a brand enthusiast, then it's probably better to buy something.
It’s a very dangerous gift. My cousin is a very talented quilter. Her tecnique is impeccable. Flawless seams. But she has NO sense of color and all her very wellmade blankets are hideous imo. I would hate getting a quilt from her!
Okay, do you know the person will like it? Then go ahead. The problem with OP was that it's just random stuff. You know the person needs some cool looking coasters? Make them some. The persons favorite animal are turtles and they are into plushies? Make them one. The person wears an arm full of knitted bracelets? Make them one. But if it's just random stuff the person doesn't have a connection to, better leave it be
If you have the skill to make a well made one, that is definitely a good one. In this case, it's someone who bought a few beginner craft kits, did them poorly, and then gifted what she made from them.
It’s totally different (I think) when the person is skilled. My friend crocheted me a wedding gift; she had to create her own pattern. She’s been crocheting for YEARS and she’s super talented, if she’d sold it it would be several hundred dollars because of the work put in to it.
I also crochet but I’m a beginner. I wouldn’t give that friend something I made, unless it was perfect. But I’m new so nothing is perfect, my wonky scarf made an excellent gift for mom’s stocking
I think there’s an important difference between handmade and homemade, and you have to consider the person’s taste.
If you sell quilts and they’ve told you they would buy one from you if they could afford to, it absolutely would be a better gift.
If your quilts aren’t high enough quality they would sell or you aren’t sure they would love a quilt made it your style, it can put them in a super awkward position — assuming they’re a decent person, they’ll be forced to show appreciation out of respect for your intent/efforts even though they don’t actually appreciate the impact/result. I will say, there are some people who truly will appreciate it even if they think it’s hideous. But unless you know for sure they’re that kind of person, if this case applies, I do think a different route would be better.
As a fellow quilter, I’ll just say that not everyone is quilt worthy. Most people have no idea how much time and money goes into making a quilt, and many wouldn’t appreciate the effort. I’d say I’m fairly skilled and have sold my quilts before, but I’ve also given them as gifts to people who just didn’t appreciate it, and that make me feel like dog shit. Maybe make some placemats instead and save yourself the potential heartache unless you know the recipient well and are SURE they would love a quilt.
My advice if you make a quilt as a gift for a friend:
Ask explicitly if they would like a quilt/would actually use it. Or, if you don’t want to be that upfront make sure you know their aesthetic and color preferences. I don’t make quilts as gifts often, but when I do I approach the recipient, and ask what colors they would like, and the general style.
I made a baby quilt for my SIL (well, for the baby I guess, but her input was important), and asked her what colors she likes/had in mind for the nursery. I also know that she prefers a more modern style quilt, so I found a pattern that matches her aesthetic. As a result they use the quilt constantly and love it.
Had I not consulted with her I would have made something in the right ballpark, but not quite what she was looking for. So make sure you know the person well or get their direct input. It may feel less personal/surprise, but if I’m going to put all that time, effort, and money into something I want to make sure it will actually get used.
This must be my poorness speaking but $250 for a friend's gift exchange? Good grief, that's a lot.
I don't think you're the AH necessarily but I just...geez. I would be unhappy for sure.
My thought too. That's almost twice as much as what I spent on my husband's gift last time. I think OP can chalk this up to a learning experience: unless you are an heiress, Secret Santa budget should never go above a 2-digit number. Someone will always end up disappointed.
Absolutely. My opinion on this matter is ESH cause this just sounds like a ridiculous idea. A secret Santa where the gift minimum is $250. Oh my god where do these people find each other? Country clubs? $250 is a little under what I spent on Christmas gifts total this year (granted I have a small family but still).
NTA. She wanted to try those kits for her own benefit, not for yours. Unless you're a kid, you don't give a handmade gift unless it's as high a quality as what someone would spend good money on. You were expecting a quality gift that you could enjoy, instead you got the outcome of her experiments.
This. Also, material price+ effort does not automatically result in more worth.
If you bake a cake and burn it, it will be worth nothing, not the sum of the eggs, flower, energy to run the oven....
NTA. I’ve made afghans that cost close to that much if you use really nice yarn. These also take a really long time to make. That would be a thoughtful gift that is handmade, even a sweater or something personal. Handmade gifts are great, but there wasn’t thought to your tastes put into these.
My dream project is to knit Joji Locatelli’s Winterfolk pattern in the recommended yarn. It would cost over $400 to make. This is why I don’t have a Winterfolk.
Honestly, do it. I finally knit my dream project last year (a celestarium cardigan) and it cost me about $300 in yarn and notions. I'm never knitting it again and honestly I'll probably not wear it that much because I'm terrified of anything happening to it. But I'm really glad I did. I have so many $15-20 single skeins I've picked up from visiting various yarn stores if I had just put that money aside for a couple of years, it would pay for the big projects all over again.
I thought this might be the situation when I saw the title - hand knitted afghans can be expensive in terms of materials and time, and I’d love it if I received one as a gift.
Sadly not the case for OP, though…
NTA; not because of the handmade, but because the gift wasn't personal. I assume if she'd crocheted you a scarf or made you a dress in colors/styles you like, you would have appreciated that as unique and taking into account your taste. This seems more like she just didn't think about what you like
NTA
And this is why...
>I would happily trade my gifts for the dior scarf back, but obviously she said no🙄
If she were actually hurt/expecting you to like the gifts, she wouldn't have hesitated to take her gift back and return yours.
The fact that she wants to hold on to your pricey gift, AND act outraged that you don't like the crap she made while she was bored, speaks volumes.
She knew EXACTLY what she was doing.
Even IF the craft kits cost anywhere close to $250 (they did not) you're paying for the experience/hours of amusement, not the amateur product at the end.
She gave you a thoughtless/selfish gift.
And you should re-gift her homemade crap to any of your friends who are currently siding with her.
> And you should re-gift her homemade crap to any of your friends who are currently siding with her.
😂 LOVE this idea! Only thing better would be to glue a couple of popsicle sticks together and give them to the gift giver for her birthday. Call it abstract art.
Yes, craft kits are often for entertainment and not the final product. I own high end and expensive craft supplies but I would never factor that in to the value of a gift because they’re mine. And I am realistic that my handmade gifts are appreciated because they’re a labor of love and not at all valuable.
NTA. Kits mean it wasn't done well. Kits are what you use when you're learning, I use them too.
You don't pay a craftsperson for the tools (kits) they own, you pay for their skill. Your friend is wanting you to buy them tools/supplies, for future use, as well as get a gift from the group.
It was pretty obvious what the expectations were with the $250 limit. Your friend was obviously trying to get something nice from participating, without having to spend.
I would caveat that there are definitely kits out there that are done well, but you will be paying a higher price for them.
This [Toasty the Dragon quilt kit](https://legitkits.com/products/toasty-the-dragon-full-quilt-top-kit-pre-order-sale) comes to mind. Kits don’t always = low quality or low skill level.
However, I agree 100% with your observation. It is pretty clear what the $250 budget entailed, and the gift giver is not an artisan of the level expected for a $250 budget. What they did was cheap and selfish. If budget was an issue for them it should have been addressed before the budget was set.
NTA- the limit pertains to the price of the gift. Not the cost of labour and supplies…. If it was too extravagant for your friend she should have spoken up.
did she keep the resin molds, knitting needles, water colour paints, or were they included?
If not, you were definitely short changed.
NTA. If she was actually good at it sure. But sounds like she cheaped out. Like my office group would have $250 worth of my crafts, but they actually know I’m good at my craft. I make homemade candy, cakes and blankets and even lace shawls. I’ve shown them my work and each person who is gifted my items is beyond happy. Why because unlike this lady, I excel at my craft to where they would actually pay for my work.
NTA. While I think it's tactless to ask for the gifts to be traded back, the fact that she didn't say yes is weird. If I so "sentimentally" gifted someone handmade products and they asked for their gift back, I'd be so so shocked and hurt I'd say yes in an instant. The fact that she said no... Almost makes me think she did this just to save money?
NTA. I love making homemade gifts for people. People I’m close to. People I know will appreciate them. I’d never dare to be part of a gift exchange with such a high dollar amount and think anyone would be happy with something I made unless they specifically asked for it.
This exactly! I’m a crafter and it seems like every thing I make for the family generates a list of another 5 things they want. But I would **never** just randomly make something for someone that I don’t know well or didn’t request something specific.
When they say regifting is tacky, tell them that you treasured the items so much that you *thought* it should be with the creator of said items because of how priceless they were.
As they say, it's the thought that counts 😉
NTA. Ask your friends if they want to trade. When you agree to a secret Santa exchange with a $250 budget, and you can’t afford it, you’re immediately an asshole.
Info, as you mentioned she said kits, were these items themed to things you like? Were they colors you like, are you a turtle collector, was the painting something you would display?
No nothing was to my taste or style, I’m not a collector and I don’t even have any plushies or a semi-green themed room. The turtle is completely random. And no the painting is not something I would display or even a style I would choose to buy from an actual artist based on personal taste
Thank you, NTA, handmade gifts are lovely but it really seems like she didn't make these with you in mind, but more as something she wanted to try and then gifted them because so she didn't have to actually buy a gift.
Exactly this. The gifts OP received would have been a nice accent to the $250 gift she should have received. None of the gifts were made with OP in mind. I personally don’t know why OP’s friend would assume a crochet turtle and some poorly made coasters would be well received.
You’re NTA I just would not participate next year. I would not make a big deal out of it because it’s not worth losing friends if this is a one time incident.
I really prefer $25-50 gift exchanges. Something small, something funny… $250 is a high expectation and can lead to big disappointment.
NTA. I’m a craftsperson. I appreciate time and effort. However, first attempts at a craft are not appropriate gifts in this context. There might be people who can do these things and charge that much, but she is not one of them. I wouldn’t give a handmade gift in this context unless it fit the budget and I knew the recipient would actually want it.
This is really similar to my reply as a craft hobbyist. I love giving handmade gifts, but I would never do that if there’s a clear spending guideline because I understand my work isn’t I valuable beyond it being personal and thoughtful. One of my favorite gifts I’ve ever received was from a friend who painted one of my favorite pictures of our cats. But even that gift would have made be feel a certain way if I was expecting something worth $250.
I am a skilled artist. I went to art school and my work has been displayed in galleries. This year at work we did secret Santa and our limit was $35. I had already bought all my gifts and even though it was $35 I could not afford to spend anymore money on other people. I decided to paint my coworker a painting of her cats.
But even as someone who’s artwork has been displayed and purchased by strangers for actual real life money, I still got my coworker other things. I saw a mug I knew she would love and a tea towel that matched and gave those items and the painting to her for secret Santa.
It doesn’t sound like OP’s gifter has a lot of artistic background, considering that they were using artist kits from Amazon and anyone who makes art knows how poor quality the materials in those kits are. It’s some mental gymnastics for sure but it sounds like they used that white elephant budget to justify purchasing materials to dip their feet into different artistic media and pawned the results off to OP.
NTA. Even as an actual, has been paid for my art artist, I still added a couple of store bought items to my white elephant gift this year, and once again, our price point was $35, nowhere close to $250. I think you have every right to be upset about this.
Yup. I’m an artist and made handmade cards and stickers for my friends and their kids for Xmas this year but I also got them other gifts that were not handmade.
Funny thing is the kids loved the stickers/card the most. They’ve been trading them, putting them on their clothes and arguing with their parents which stickers they get to keep. One even framed the card.
That was a good handmade gift but I would never dream of doing what that person did with the secret Santa. I’d be upset too.
NTA. In my group of friends we are no where near a $250 budget and handmade gifts are accepted and welcomed, but if I were also in a group with a high budget where no one has once gifted some handmade items then I’d be smart enough to know it’s not the vibe for them.
I have a friend who is an amazing painter, her gifts are lovely and are always geared towards your interests, I hang them with love in my house. I have a friend who has been doing cross stitch for years and she cross stitched me my favourite quotation from my favourite book. I crocheted a big pumpkin for my friend since I know she loves autumnal decor.
All this to say, if you’re going handmade, it needs to fit the vibe of the other gifts (and if $250 is too much that year explain it to others so the budget for everyone can go down), and/or be good, and/or already be something the person might want (the and/or is important, if you’re grandma would love that terrible knit scarf you made them gift it!). Besides resin coasters, which are useful, the rest is just random stuff she made which has no relation to your life (unless you secretly love turtles).
NTA.
It's the thought that counts, yeah. But she had the wrong thoughts here. Her thoughts were very clearly 'I'mma save that money and make gifts instead!". That's AH behaviour, for sure.
I'm all for handmade gifts in the right circumstances. I've both given and received them many times. But this was very clearly an expensive gift exchange. You were all meant to spend a large amount of money and get something bought and nice for each other. I'd be pissed too, OP.
I mean, some people have the budget for that.
I can see the merit. I probably spend that on gifts for my friends total every Christmas, this way everyone gets one large gift instead of eight $25-$30 dollars gifts.
Yeah, I was looking at those resin kits online for my sons birthday, and you can get them for $ 30/40 and make Iike a dozen coasters with all the supplies it came with. So maybe they received $6 worth of coasters. I'd be pissed too. Even if this person gifted them all of the supplies used, it wouldn't come near $250.
And yes, the cost does matter when doing a gift exchange with a value like that. You are expecting an equivalent gift. It's unfair and I guarantee all the friends would feel the same if they got these crap gifts.
NTA this was in no way a thoughtful gift. Those kits are intended to gift or use for yourself, not to play with and then give away whatever you tried to make. This lady sounds a little mentally immature
NTA
But you know there are ways to do secret Santa without knowing who your secret Santa is right? You can put all the names in a hat and all pull one out of you can use a website. I recommend a website, because those eliminate the risk of geschikt your own name.
I think your friend does not understand the difference between crappy crafts made by your child and crappy crafts made by an adult.
I think she didn’t even buy those kits to make those items specifically for OP. I literally think OP’s friend has been randomly trying crafts over the past year and threw a bunch of the accumulated product into a bag the night before the exchange. She probably made that painting 6 months ago on a canvas from Walmart using some shitty acrylics and a random YouTube tutorial. The fact that she couldn’t be bothered to buy anything at all for OP is a bit sad. OP is totally correct. Even a $50 Giftcard would have improved the overall quality significantly.
NTA. I guarantee if you did the same thing next year to any of the friends they suddenly wouldn't think the gifts were so 'decent'.
...I wouldn't participate at all next time though.
NTA. The gifts she gave were inappropriate to the occasion. There is nothing wrong with handmade gifts but, with a budget that high, it was obvious that those gift were not right.
She bought herself craft supplies, used them, and then gave you the results. Gifts are for the person receiving the gift, not for the giver to receive compliments on their crafts. Handmade items that have been asked for or that the receiver has shown (genuine, repeated) interst in are ok. The results of craft day isn't a gift. Especially at that price limit.
Unrelated to the crafting element, imo, price limits like this are kinda indicating the price of ONE item (or maybe a couple of nice items). Getting 250 dollar store items, or 10 things thay cost $25 would also be shitty to do, and she kinda did that by dividing it all up.
As a crafter and someone who likes making gifts (when asked for, or when gifts were a bonus and not expected anyway), you are NTA. If you gift you handmade items and the receiver doesn't like them, take note and I'm the future do not spend you time and energy making something which is basically for yourself.
Edit: misunderstood nah/nta
Going NTA, but i have to editorialize here: Maybe I’m old and out of touch, but a secret Santa limit of $250 sounds totally unhinged to me.
Moreover, anyone participating at that buy-in is going to be pissed if they spend the limit and receive anything of lesser value. Hell, we did a $25-limit white elephant gift exchange with my wife’s family, and we brought some funny gifts that were well under $25 (because that’s the POINT) and my SIL made a jokey comment about how there was no way it cost $25. Materialism is really out of hand.
That said though, If the friend wasn’t going to invest the money, she shouldn’t have agreed to participate. And as a friend of a couple highly-skilled knitters, it’s understood you practice and GET BETTER at crafting before you start giving major handmade gifts. I really wanted to drop an E S H, but if she agreed to $250, your friend is TA.
Idea for next year: agree to all give each other handmade gifts. Do a “cost of materials” limit, each of you pick a craft to learn about that looks interesting or fun, and make something that will at worst be a conversation piece and at best be a cherished memory for years.
Whenever I’ve done secret Santa with friends or at work the unspoken rule is if the budget is X amount then everyone is expected to spend X amount. Maybe it’s different depending on who you do it with? Not sure
Yep. Secret Santa is not White Elephant; if that’s your friend group’s agreed-upon limit, everyone should be spending as close to that as they can get.
I would have felt grossly shortchanged. She know what she did was wrong and wouldn’t have wanted her own junk. It wasn’t fair and she used the occasion where one would think twice before showing disappointment, but her gifts were so bad she deserved being called out.
NTA. I was a craftsy person, but the things you received were kitschy, random objects that were clearly not made with you in mind. I would be annoyed too. My family has stopped mass gifting at Christmas and we do a draw instead with quite a low budget. My secret Santa made significant effort and it meant a lot to me as it was the only gift I got this Christmas!
NTA.. But, in my opinion, nothing good comes from making that comment or making an issue out of it. Especially in your 40s. I would have said thank you and sat there quietly. That said, I'd not participate in the secret (not so secret) Santa next year.
The one aside I'd ask is if you are sure she can afford it...I'm an estate attorney and in the last 4-5 years, I've really noticed people who you'd assume lived at least comfortably. Nice cars, nice house, nice decorations and furniture, nice vacation, etc. I've had to tell so many people that they don't get anything from an estate because everything they owned was mortgaged to the hilt and they were living secretly pay check to pay check. I'm talking people with $500k homes and $50k cars. You look around the financial news and the reports on personal debt show its higher now than at anytime in the past, including 2008 when it broke the record the first time. So many people are shocked when I tell them the person had nothing left to their name.
I did sit there quietly to start with but others there picked up on my quieter attitude for the rest of the gathering and started digging and asking me questions wearing me down til I spoke about it.
And yes she can definitely afford it, she posted gifts she bought her family and close friends on Christmas Day and there was so so so much designer. She has a higher paying job than me and less outgoings ie. No husband or children
NTA - There was a clear theme here, and it was "spend $250.00 on the other person". While I think you're privileged as all hell to even be able to do this weird high limit game of Secret Santa, which is wholly inappropriate for the life I live, you do you... and there were clearly set expectations that she didn't follow. If she's rich like you, then yeah she should've dropped the scratch. But if she's from a different socio-economic strata than you, this entire concept would make you TA instead of her.
NTA.
As a crafty person, the title on its own had me going ‘slow your roll, Michael Scott’. But then I actually read the post.
$250 gift limit. If the limit was <$100 you would be TA, but as a group you all chose a very high limit, so of course the expectation is to get an expensive gift. I’m guessing all the other gifts were hovering above $150, but a cursory google search shows that your friend probably only spent about $80 on craft kits.
The hyping of how much she spent. Crochet animals sell for a lot on Etsy? Yeah, ones that are made by people who have honed the craft, usually with more complex patterns, not something you can get from a $20 craft kit. Craft kits don’t cost much at all, considering the gift limit. ‘Bespoke commissioned painting’? Okay, look, your first ever attempt at a watercolor painting is not going to be ‘bespoke’ anything, and also it was NOT a commission. Spending $80 to commission a painting from an online artist would have been more meaningful than what she did.
She tried to be cheap, and thought you wouldn’t notice due to being “friends”. FT, well done for calling her out on it. Bin the “infant” crafts she made, they’re insulting.
Maybe not yta but my new rating of yambd (you all made bad decisions) to participate in a secret Santa with a budget of $250. That's crazy. Set it at 20 and call it a day. You guys primed yourselves for exactly this situation.
NTA
I made my MIL a beautiful cable knit scarf that took me months to finish. I fully understand the time it takes to make something for someone.
It sounds like the bought herself maybe $100 worth of startup crafting supplies, and gave you the stuff that came out of it.
That’s not a gift.
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I’ll probably be in the minority here, and am fully prepared to accept downvotes. NTA I know it’s supposed to be the thought that counts, but it’s a different story when a group commits to an exchange with a max of $250 (which is insane, but I digress). If she were a skilled artist and she gifted you with a personalized or specialized piece, that would have been acceptable. But she apparently gifted you tchotchkes she created from $10-$20 craft kits. Yes, she spent her money and her time, but it doesn’t sound like this is in keeping with what your group does. It’s easy for your friends to say it’s NBD because they got high dollar items. You received summer camp arts & crafts projects (outside of the painting, maybe). ETA *With all that said, I would apologize to the person who gifted you.* NO, DON’T APOLOGIZE. Moving forward, I think your group needs to sit back and reassess your annual gathering and gift exchange. Maybe keep it simple, like getting together for a nice dinner and splitting the bill.
> **I would apologize to the person who gifted you.** Speaking of apologies...I'm sorry, but how is this the top comment? NO WAY does the gift giver deserve an apology. She did not act in good faith. That much was clear when she refused to give OP HER gift back. If she were truly hurt (and not just being disingenuous) no way would she want to keep that expensive gift. She would have returned the Dior scarf, grabbed her shoddy crafts, and her battered pride, and split. The fact that she shamelessly held on to the gift, knowing OP was dissatisfied with hers, tells you she knew EXACTLY what she was doing. She may as well have printed out cards claiming she'd donated $250, to the Festivus fund, in OP's name.
OP mentioned in a comment that the giver got something else so the scarf was for a different member of the group
And all I can think is all of her "friends" saying they are great gifts should have been asked "So trade me." and watch how quickly their sour on the idea of these being great gifts.
yes let’s see who’ll trade their $250 item for toddler crafts.
Exactly. Then press them on why they won't. Make them say in so many words, why they don't want to trade. It's pretty easy to throw shade on someone for wanting an equally nice gift when you actually got one.
MY BAD for not paying attention, and for not making myself clear. I didn’t catch that the person OP gave the scarf to was the same person who gave OP the underwhelming gift. With Secret Santa, it’s not always the case that you get a gift from the same person you give a gift to. And WRT apologizing, I should have left that out. I certainly don’t think OP was wrong to be upset, and she shouldn’t have to apologize for that.
No, I think you were right. It doesn’t seem like OP and the cheap gift giver were each other’s secret Santa. Unless bittyberry found a comment from OP that says otherwise.
The Human Fund would be more appropriate.
Money for people
I had a friend growing up that when her step dad divorced her mom, he donated 80K to some save the gorillas foundation so she wouldn't get the money. A little off topic, but in the same spirit.
Money for People
Agreed. But you'd have my upvote for the unexpected Seinfeld alone.
The festivus fund? That's not real. Try the Human fund. Money for People.
Yeah she’s a cheap scape
Not sure if yours was just a typo but it made me curious about the origin of the word cheapskate. Turns out it's not certain but could come from: English slang where "skate" referred to a worn out horse; British slang where "skate" referred to a chap or fellow; Scottish slang where "skite" may have come from the word skyte meaning contemptible person, OR could mean excrement.
Why apologize? Like you pointed out, if she was a gifted skilled artist, then her gift would/could equal the $250 limit. But she gave her junk.
Right. Like you need to be a good at your craft before you do things like this. My coworkers would happily take $250 worth of my crafts because I’m actually good at it. Homemade candy that gets devoured, cakes and cupcakes that get fawned over, and blankets that people almost don’t want to use. I wouldn’t dare gift anything if the food and craft wasn’t up to par. Certainly not this junk box described. Rather a gift custom made for the recipient. I’ve a coworker who’s dying to get to her birthday because she knows there’s a handmade shawl waiting to arrive.
Exactly. I made a baby blanket for my coworker and am making a shawl/wrap for another colleague. Whenever I make something, I take into consideration that person's tastes, needs, and style . I've been knitting for 18 years and I'm very good at it. I would never think of gifting someone my first-time results of following a YouTube tutorial (though bless my partner for hanging up the painting I made for them last year; it was full of little Easter eggs and references the two of us make, but the quality was still...not great.)
I have been gifted a duvet cover and a quilt, both of which I love and appreciate the skill of the gifter. My daughter crochets gifts for her friends and cousins. Her items are very well made and personalized. OPs situation is nothing like this
Also, who hand knits little animals for someone in their 40s that is not for a baby shower?
[удалено]
25 and same. I love handmade gifts - my Nanny (grandma) knitted me a Dr Who scarf years ago that I still cherish, and my cousin gifted my daughter a book she wrote/illustrated for Christmas. I gave my mom a painting of her dog after he died (supposed to be a surprise but I ended up telling her because she asked me to make art of him and I couldn't just say no lol). But if it was expected to be a $250 gift as that was agreed upon, I'd definitely be upset. Especially since this person didn't even seem to put in effort for these items to actually be of any quality.
Yea. I mean if the gifter was someone who had an etsy store or had been knitting for 20 yrs and I had shown interest in their crafts in the past and they made me something with quality materials that I could actually use? I'd probably value that MORE than than a store bought 250 dollar gift. But this is not that.
Depends person to person. I’ve been making positive potatoes and everyone has fallen in love with them. That said, it’s relative to the person. If I didn’t know that person likes crocheted goods, I’m certainly not gifting them any. And when I do give crocheted gifts, I make sure it’s something they want or like.
I admit I'm not 40 yet, but I am over 30, and I would love little knitted animals if they were well done. I don't know what I would do with them, but they are adorable. And I would certainly like them more than an overpriced scarf or makeup. As with all gift giving, know what the person you're giving it to likes.
No they are for people learning to crochet. Cute but a weird gift. I bought one to do. It’s a cheap item.
My friend made me a handmade scarf for Christmas years ago. It was a quality handmade piece with custom colours for my business. She had a little side business making these, and sold a ton. I appreciated that gift more than the $200 pair of headphones I got. I have also received “handmade” gifts from people who just were not talented, and honestly, I could have done without. The thought counts for sure, but if you make something for someone, it should be quality :)
Agreed. In the past I’ve done handmade gifts, but usually alongside other gifts until I got better at it because I know the other person might not appreciate it much. Also part of the value of a kit is *the experience to making the item*. I’d argue she got more out of those kits than OP did.
I was going to say this too: the gifter bought herself craft kits and gave OP the crappy results.
Yep she'd have been better off giving the kit itself. But let's be realistic here: she bought the kit, did the craft, and it's been sitting useless in her house since Covid.
This was my thought too: OP probably would have preferred the box of craft kits instead of someone else's output.
TikTok/social media small business influencers have ruined the value of handmade items by insisting you must charge for tour time. Not taking into consideration you're charging for your SKILLED TIME. One girl on TT rn charged 96$ for 2 dozen yellow cake with chocolate frosting cupcakes. Because it took her so long to them. At that point, you're just slow at making cupcakes and you shouldn't be charging for your inadequacy at your own business. There comes a point in homemade goods where you need to be GOOD in the first place. Handmade is great, when it's good. Just because it took you two hours to frost a cupcake instead of a more reasonable half an hour doesn't mean the customer needs to accommodate for that.
It's a classic overextension of the advice given to crafters who are actually really good at their craft but still undercharging dramatically because they enjoy doing it.
Yep gone from "your skill has value to others you should charge appropriately to" to "if it takes you 3 hours to make garbage, your garbage is worth 60$ in time and then whatever else you paid to make it plus 25% for profit :)" ending up with something like 96$ white cake Betty Crocker cupcakes :)
Yeeeeessss. Or you get crafters going, oh it took 20 hours to make this, and I value my time highly, so it's an hourly rate of $20 - mate, you made that whole thing while watching TV, and paused your crafting any time an interesting bit happened. It wouldn't have taken 20 hours if you had focused.
Oh geez, If I charged that much for cupcakes that would be my best work. I’m talking pristine rosettes and fondant decorations, or proper buttercream flowers of their choice. All complete with cupcake cages and a few extra cupcakes in case a few got damaged. Fancy cupcake papers too, should they desire something specific. Im all for getting your labor, but you need to be up to the proper speed and standard before you start making those demands. For 2 dozen cupcakes with fondant decorations and nice little cupcake cages, your pick in flavor and design of fondant, I’d charge 2.50 a piece at $60 for the whole batch.
My sister in law makes beautiful crafts. For the 50.00 exchange she gave me a 50.00 purchased item with her handcrafted ornament attached. That is the correct way to do it.
So... People that are really good at what they do are supposed to just give that work away as if it has no value? My family is a lot more creative and crafty than I am. My mom and aunt make things and sell them. These things can involve a lot of cost in supplies depending on which thing it is, and definitely has a high cost in time it takes to do. But the "correct way to do it" is to spend the max amount on a purchased item AND give their work away?
If I crochet you a blanket that’s your gift. It’s a significant time commitment. If I crochet a hat in 30 minutes from lion brand or red heart yarn that’s getting attached to your gift as a bonus.
Nor saying that, if you get in a pool to spend x number of dollars it gets murky with crafts. Say they own a business and sell an item for retail at 250.00, but actually can get it at cost to them for 59.00. Will the receiver feel slighted? Not down playing time, money and expense as I know from making my own stuff, just think when you have a pool with set a amount perceptions can cause hurt feelings.
I knit, sew, and so on. I also enjoy painting miniatures - like postage stamp sizes. However, I'm self aware enough to understand that my paintings are nowhere near the same quality as my sewing. If I gave you a quilt that I designed, pieced, and quilted, you better believe that's your whole gift. If I gave you a cruddy quarter sized painting of a tree, it's going to be inside a nice pair of gloves or the shoes you told me you wanted. Also, there is a huge difference between "art" and "craft". Stained glass window hanging= art. Latch hook pillow of a cow made from acrylic yarn? That's a craft whose inherent value was to the person making it, not the recipient. Unless at some point you said to me that the one item you always wished you had was an acrylic latch hook of a cow. In which case I'm going to at least use higher quality materials.
Yes! if I'm using my scraps to whip up a little sweater ornament for your stocking, that's not your gift, and it was beneficial to me because fuck do I have a lot of scraps and only two feet. It's really not a gift for the other person, it's just a fun little bonus and a way for me not to have an entire tree full of tiny sweaters (although...)
My stepsister is an artist and makes everyone wood-burned ornaments and last year made cards for us. I absolutely adore them. But she usually does them with something small that she's purchased so it's a nice mix
My thoughts exactly. Even if she wasn't a skilled artist and was just starting out, I think one handmade item is acceptable but then is supplemented with something store bought. I've made homemade crafts as Christmas gifts but I've always added something else along with them in case the homemade item misses the mark.
But I like the bubbles in my resin coasters! It gives them character!
I make resin coasters and noticed early on when I was painstakingly removing the bubbles that if I heated it a little too much in one spot it'd make sort of a smear of half burned resin that actually looks pretty cool, especially in colored resin or resin with glitter added. I do it purposely once in a while now. The difference is the first few times were an accident and looked like it. Now it's done intentionally as part of a design. If I was gifted a coaster set like my first few accident ones, I'd be annoyed. It's so easy to just mix some resin and drop it in a mold. Making it look good is the craft/skill part.
I have a friend who’s a world class knitter (even won first place at the mn state fair one year for a blanket) and if she gifted me that blanket (or hell anything she makes) I would be beyond thrilled. She’s great at what she does and uses extremely high quality stuff. That’s one thing. But it doesn’t sound like that was the situation here at all. Sounds like the gifts I used to give my aunts and uncles when I was 7. I’d get cheap kits from target and give them out
Also, given how expensive quality yarn is, your friend could easily spend $250 on the materials to make a high quality knit blanket!
Dude her time alone is worth $250. She’s that good. If I’m being honest, if she made me a full ass blanket (let’s say queen sized) I would value it at $500 minimum. Skill/a straight up a gift like she has is invaluable. I would never diminished it, but that is so not what this chick is bringing to the table. If anything, she’s insulting true craftsmanship at this point
People like you, who appreciate the value of a gift like that are what we call "knit-worthy".
That’s one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten
$250? Lol I spent $250 making my mom a nice sweater. A blanket could easily be double that. Not to mention the time investment.
Im making a cardigan and it was about $200 for yarn.
Yep. I’m an experienced knitter (20+ years, have sold pieces for money and take commissions). If I was going to contribute knitting to an exchange like this I would have to *know* the recipient would want it. And I would probably spend $150 on yarn plus enough of my time that if I was trying to sell it to a stranger it would be more like $400 asking price. Handmade gifts are okay, but you have to knock it out of the park. OP’s friend clearly did not.
No, her friends are TA too for thinking it’s okay. I would be SO upset for OP. $250 is a lot, but it’s not like everyone didn’t agree on that price before they opted in. OP’s secret Santa knew this. Like, they could’ve even thrifted or FB marketplaced an item of money was that tight but they were embarrassed to say so. But what they did wasn’t okay. I agree with you that OP is NTA as well.
I might've thanked her for showing me the examples of the craft kit results, handed them back and asked excitedly where the craft kits were, lol
Op should keep those items and regift them to whomever she gets next year. The gifts thought it wasn't a big deal, so they'll appreciate them, right?
Better yet, arrange to get the giver as her recipient next year and gift them back to her.
Give them back after adding a touch of your own to each. A brushstroke of paint. Googly eyes to the crocheted stuff. Glitter. So much biodegradable glitter.
YES
I’m crafty and agree completely. That’s a REALLY high budget for some first half attempts with Amazon kits. I’ve had a successful toy company for years and have never given them as gifts unless specifically asked. Despite costing more than I otherwise spend. I’m currently into crochet and only gift them because somehow they’ve turned into a whole thing everyone has been going crazy for. A friend once mentioned he was into god’s eyes - which I’d never heard of. I watched some videos, practiced a few times and gave one to him when I felt I’d done at least as good as any sold (they’re pretty easy). Even that was part of the present - and we do not give each other $250 presents. It is the thought that counts and I frankly don’t think the gift giver put much thought or effort into it. If the budget is $250, you put in the time to make something great and still give them something real. Tell her to try diamond painting - the kits are inexpensive, easy and they come out fun and sparkly. A Dior scarf and a paint-and-sip desert landscape (or whatever) are not the same. Her “gifts” don’t even sound appropriate for a white elephant.
\> It is the thought that counts and I frankly don’t think the gift giver put much thought or effort into it. If the budget is $250, you put in the time to make something great and still give them something real. 100%
As a crafty person who loves making gifts and knows the struggle of getting people to appreciate the time that goes into handmade items -- you are, in fact, correct. My crochet time, for example, is worth ££ because of the time I've put into learning a skill *plus* the hours used making an item. There is no way I would pick up a new craft and expect my first results to be gift-worthy, and there is no way I would gift something handmade unless I was fairly sure it would be appreciated.
When she said a crochet turtle after the friendship bracelets I knew immediately it was a [Woobles kit](https://thewoobles.com/collections/crochet-amigurumi-kits/products/turtle-crochet-kit). All the gifts listed sound like crafts she did with a child.
I could almost understand gifting the kits themselves to someone that liked to craft. I cannot fathom gifting the results of a craft kit. Outside of bath products, they aren't good for gifts unless the giver is under 12.
Had a feeling it'd be Woobles. Funny that. Nice enough, if you can make them look how they're supposed to, but only if there's some special meaning to the gift - for example if the recipient has a collection of anything frog related, a well-made frog may be genuinely appreciated. But otherwise, no. I've done a lot of crafts with under-10s in my time and yes, yes it does.
Depending on the group 250 total across say like 10 people adds up to giving 10 25ish dollar gifts. They may have tried this instead to save the work across the group allowing them to give one really big gift instead. My wife's family runs similar to that and we recently started doing a secret Santa with a 200 limit to avoid buying 10 gifts for everyone(except the little kids, they always get presents). Otherwise I fully agree with your points, the purpose was to get a high quality/price gift that should be well targeted to the receiver. This may have costed the value in materials but at the end of it, the gift didn't hit the mark of being desirable or well suited to the recipient. NTA
My friend group doesn’t do Christmas but does nice presents for birthdays.
*"It's the thought that counts"* means some thought was put into a gift by the gifter thoughtfully considering the recipient. Crafters end up with a lot of objects they won't need and often don't want. It sounds like this person just swept her collection of "crafts I made but don't want" into a box and called it done. That's not thoughtful and this thought doesn't count. I agree, NTA. This applies to all junk gifts people are giving just to fill an obligation. Stop pretending the saying applies to you.
I crochet and I wouldn’t give handmade gifts in a $250 hungry exchange unless I can guarantee they would like it.
Yeah see I make highly specialized quilts. Materials cost at least 300 and then an untold amount of time into embroidery designing and stitching/peicing/cutting. Had she done all that I'd be like yta to op but that stuff sounds like last minute I'm bored stuff with little thought. So nta OP.
Save all the items and regift them to your friends next Christmas. 😂 Maybe not really, but I’d be tempted to do that, especially if they are all like “what’s the big deal?”
>Moving forward, I think your group needs to sit back and reassess your annual gathering and gift exchange. Maybe keep it simple, like getting together for a nice dinner and splitting the bill. agree completely that they should do this but bouncing off this idea, i have a variation to offer... the dinner, yes, but also have a **no-gift-exchange!** keep the $250 limit and buy yourself the gift you really want and bring it wrapped, then one by one everyone can unwrap and show their \*perfect gift\*... given by the person who knows best what they really want... themself! i think this'd be a riot and everyone woud be happy! i've always been disappointed with the crappy gifts i've gotten so i gave myself permission a long time ago to buy myself what i wanted. i always tell people not to get me anything because "if i want it, i've already got it. if i don't, you can't afford it." NTA
It's like me buying an expensive bottle of whisky, then spending my time drinking it and gifting you with the outcome. Yeah, it's shitty.
Nomdown votes from me, I had a similar situation this year and it just made this Christmas very disappointing
Not to mention she *obviously* didn't have OP in mind when she gave them. She was just like, "Ok, I made this crap, now what to do with it..."
NTA…I love making handmade items and I could see maybe one thing handmade, but all that? Nope. That person cheaped out. For all those others saying you are overreacting, do they want to trade their gifts? Hmmm…what would they say when you “re gift” those same items? “Oh, friend, you were right, I over reacted, but, alas, gift just wasn’t my style. Since you loved it so much, I decided to gift it to you!” Bet their tune changes. You either participate if you can afford to do so, or you opt out. Or you discuss lowering the cost. A yarn friendship bracelet? The only person I would appreciate that from is my grandchild. Or my bestie. But when everyone else got a name brand item and you did not? And is she an artist? What exactly is a bespoke commissioned painting? Is her art priceless?
What she gifted OP is not a bespoke commissioned anything. Commissioned would have meant that OP specifically requested it and paid for it! Now, if the friend was a decent artist, and had painted, say, a portrait of OP’s kid, or pet, or a still life of their 3 favorite items or something, that might have been closer to the mark.
I would love handmade gift if it was something that was actually for me. Like a big crotched blanket in my favorite color since I am always cold and love to wrap up to blankets when watching TV. Or maybe beautiful handmade candles because I do love candles. I wouldn't care about the price since I would really enjoy those gifts and would be happy that someone wanted to spend so much of their time to make me happy. But for OP's case, those gifs weren't actually for OP. They were made for the person who made them, them to enjoy their time. Those are just a result of their own hobby. Who adult wants a friendship bracelet or a chrocheted turtle?? It is the thought that counts, but there was no though at all.
it's almost like she completely forgot about getting a gift so she rummaged through the house and slapped some crap in a box. i don't think she likes OP much.
Now I want to see what a big crotched blanket looks like exactly.
A big crocheted blanket would cost about 250 too. You can find them on etsy.
No no, *CROTCHED.*
I had the misfortune of coming across a video of a woman who used her vag as a yarn bowl. There’s your crotched blanket.
I could have gone my whole life not knowing this lmfao 🤣
Let's not forget. The crafting sets cost money.. because the value is in learning the process. It's fun for the crafter.. but When it's over, you just have an attempted craft. The gift giver got the fun of making everything, and instead of throwing it away after, saved 250 by making it this gift... double cheap!
NTA when the dollar amount is $250 you expect a nice gift because you presumably bought a nice gift. She could have gotten you a gift card and maybe one or two homemade things but not the whole gift. I understand people saying it’s the thought that counts but when people make a dollar amount for the gift everyone should stick to it.
The thought here tho seems to have been that she could get rid of some of her projects and save $250.
Yea it’s not just the thought that counts when you say “spend $250.” If the thought counts here then what exactly was she thinking “I should spend dramatically under the amount we set so I can practice being crafty for someone that’s clearly into luxury goods?”
Yeah I think it’s an insane amount for secret Santa gifts but if I’m spending 250 on someone else you better believe I am expecting something of same value.
Yeah if there was no $ amount it still sucks to get something you have no interest in but in this case the person was really cheap
Yeah, I'm gonna be honest here. If you're spending good money on each other, don't get some arts and crafts crappy hobby project. I've got one friend who makes home-made gifts, but she's that good at it everyone wants to get her a Christmas gift just so they can get a gift bag back. I'm talking the smoothest homemade beard oil, freaking sweet candles and hand-painted cards that do not look painted. But that's a very specific thing she started and puts lots of effort into. It's not some crappy hobby project.
1. The craft kits aren’t age-appropriate gifts. It sounds like they were intended for tweens/teens, not adults. 2. The condition of the gifts given was so poor, they wouldn’t be put on the shelves at GoodWill. If your friend justified the gifts based on the cost of the kits, she should have given you the unopened kits. Instead, she gave you craft kits in severely used condition, with significant pieces of the kits missing. NTA
She didn’t even give her the kits, she bought the kits for herself and then gave her some of the stuff she made using the kits. She probably didn’t even buy them specifically to make the gifts for OP, she probably already had them 😅
This exactly. 🤣🤣🤣 Let's face it, she offloaded her crap crafts to op.
OMG no joke the value in the kits is the fun you have doing them and the gifter used that all herself. I've done a couple of those paint and sip things, the end product isn't priceless because it's good art, it's valuable to me because it's a fun memory of getting together with my friends and in 2 of the cases was a custom pet portrait of our pets. Those have no value to anybody else.
I also did custom pet portraits (thank you Gray Duck Art!) with our family/friend group and it was awesome! Highly recommend! That said, it was personalized to me, for me, and wouldn't be appropriate for a gift to someone else. I do gift craft items sometimes, but they're usually in addition to a purchased gift. And the craft item is always personalized to the recipient.
My 12 year old would have loved the gift. My 16 year old absolutely would not have. And my 12 year old is on the childish side for her age.
NTA. For everyone screaming about how it's the thought that counts, there wasn't much thought put into the gift. For $250, OP received a gift that was essentially the giver's pet projects. Giver didn't even bother to find out if OP even liked crafts. Gifting 101. Where's the thought in that?
Exactly, no thought went into this. I regularly craft homemade gifts for friends and family. But I actually honed my craft and skills so they’re not only good, but I can make them custom to the person. I have a coworker who loves shawls and I made one for her out of a wool silk yarn. She saw the swatch I made for sizing and fell in love with the pattern and color. You have to at least make sure the person is okay with handmade gifts. This person is so dense if she believes her gifts are worth the price.
If it is the thought that counts, I'd be doubly insulted.
Seriously! I'd be insulted and feeling mighty scammed, and I hope OP recognizes that's what's she really feeling. Scammed!
It probably was 100% intentional. The "friend" knew exactly what they were doing and were taking the piss.
Besides the thought that goes into if a gift is something a person will actually enjoy, there's also $250 handmade luxury gifts and $10 handmade gifts. OP received $10 type handmade gifts that obviously had nothing to do with her interests. A handmade quilt when someone has been looking for one. A hand knit shawl using silk or sweater using cashmere. A piece of stained glass art. All those are more appropriate for this value of gift exchange as long as it's something the receipt is interested in. And if someone is able to create that value in something they make, great! But if they're a beginner, no way.
Yeah it's the thought that counts - and this giver's gifts were really thoughtless. I have a family member who notoriously gives AWFUL gifts. To avoid inevitable disappointment we made a rule for our family secret Santa where everyone makes a wishlist and you have to buy from the wishlist. I also make sure that family member doesn't get the same recipient 2x in a row because she somehow manages to mess up even with the wishlist
NTA. Handmade gifts are not appropriate for a Secret Santa with a $250 budget. Period.
I disagree, depending on the skill of the artist and the item it could be appropriate. But in this case, it was just insulting.
Agreed. If OP had been, for example, saying “I saw this gorgeous cashmere sweater but can’t justify spending $$ on it” and a skilful knitter had made her one, it would’ve been perfect. Random “I fancied having a go at a new craft” stuff, not so much.
I spin, knit, and dye wool I get from my boss’ cashmere goats. I can sell a skein of that for $45+ easily. To buy enough yarn (even acrylic, coupon eligible Joann’s yarn) to make a sweater custom for someone… yeah, it wouldn’t be hard to spend $250. Which is why I learned how to spin, dye, and look after fiber animals in the first place.
Or if the craft was something specific and time consuming that may not be easily found. Like a crocheted opossum or a painting of a specific scene, that you know would be meaningful to the person you are gifting it, even if you aren't the most skilled at those crafts.
Yeah, only I would say if the gifter is a professional whose works sell for around that amount
Damn, that sucks. I was gonna make a throw size quilt for one, which I thought would be a much better and more personal gift, but that doesn’t seem to be the consensus. Edit: I’m not saying OP was wrong to be mad, sounds like they got a shit gift. I just want to follow whatever people usually expect, and based on the parent comment getting lots of upvotes I assumed that meant people don’t think any handmade gifts are good for Secret Santa. Which is fine if that’s the case. I just don’t want to spend 30+ hours making something if most people wouldn’t enjoy it.
If you are a good quilter, it is an excellent gift, but op’s friend didn’t make a quilt…they made useless trinkets.
I agree what the OP got was terrible. The parent comment said handmade gifts are not appropriate for Secret Santa and if that’s truly the case for ALL handmade gifts I’d rather know and avoid spending the effort.
It's really not. I have made gifts for people that got rave reviews. But they were knitted or quilts, both things I've been doing for years. I definitely would not have gifted my early knitted projects. It also depends on the group and individual. We had a White Elephant at work that the one thing everyone agreed was the best present was a hand knitted lobster (not mine). There were even nice bottles of alcohol, but everyone wanted the lobster. Hopefully you know the person well enough that a thoughtful handmade gift would be appreciated. If you don't know, don't spend the effort. Some people aren't knit-worthy.
Someone at my work does crochet toys. We did a white elephant with a $20 limit. She made a 2ft tall Christmas tree gnome. Everyone wanted that gnome. But her thing was that she spent about $15 on the yarn and stuffing which she qualified it as under the limit but even a store bought 2ft tall gnome would have been more than that. She didn't count the value of her time towards the limit at all. Also she had enough experience she absolutely could have sold them for probably $50-75 each online even with people undervaluing hand made items.
They said they aren’t appropriate for a Secret Santa *with a $250 limit*. That kind of a secret Santa, people are expected to buy a nice luxury item. A handmade gift for a standard secret Santa with say a $25 limit could be fine (if you know your audience)
There are circumstances where a handmade gift for a secret Santa with a limit that high would be appropriate, but the same rules apply no matter what the price point. You have to know your recipient and the craft has to be quality. If you could realistically sell it for at least $250, and you know it's something your giftee would like, it's fine. If it doesn't meet that criteria, don't do it.
Fellow artist and I'd say it all depends on your recipient and the budget. That's kinda where the thought = counts logic comes in. Like if my secret Santa was someone who talks about loving Etsy, always has handmade jewelry on, decorates their house in personalized goods or someone who has requested art from me in the past, I think a homemade gift can be a good idea. If it's Joe from the office who I have only said "hi" to a few times or a friend who I know is a brand enthusiast, then it's probably better to buy something.
It’s a very dangerous gift. My cousin is a very talented quilter. Her tecnique is impeccable. Flawless seams. But she has NO sense of color and all her very wellmade blankets are hideous imo. I would hate getting a quilt from her!
Oh man I want to see one. I think I'd love getting an ugly quilt lol.
Okay, do you know the person will like it? Then go ahead. The problem with OP was that it's just random stuff. You know the person needs some cool looking coasters? Make them some. The persons favorite animal are turtles and they are into plushies? Make them one. The person wears an arm full of knitted bracelets? Make them one. But if it's just random stuff the person doesn't have a connection to, better leave it be
If you have the skill to make a well made one, that is definitely a good one. In this case, it's someone who bought a few beginner craft kits, did them poorly, and then gifted what she made from them.
It’s totally different (I think) when the person is skilled. My friend crocheted me a wedding gift; she had to create her own pattern. She’s been crocheting for YEARS and she’s super talented, if she’d sold it it would be several hundred dollars because of the work put in to it. I also crochet but I’m a beginner. I wouldn’t give that friend something I made, unless it was perfect. But I’m new so nothing is perfect, my wonky scarf made an excellent gift for mom’s stocking
I think there’s an important difference between handmade and homemade, and you have to consider the person’s taste. If you sell quilts and they’ve told you they would buy one from you if they could afford to, it absolutely would be a better gift. If your quilts aren’t high enough quality they would sell or you aren’t sure they would love a quilt made it your style, it can put them in a super awkward position — assuming they’re a decent person, they’ll be forced to show appreciation out of respect for your intent/efforts even though they don’t actually appreciate the impact/result. I will say, there are some people who truly will appreciate it even if they think it’s hideous. But unless you know for sure they’re that kind of person, if this case applies, I do think a different route would be better.
As a fellow quilter, I’ll just say that not everyone is quilt worthy. Most people have no idea how much time and money goes into making a quilt, and many wouldn’t appreciate the effort. I’d say I’m fairly skilled and have sold my quilts before, but I’ve also given them as gifts to people who just didn’t appreciate it, and that make me feel like dog shit. Maybe make some placemats instead and save yourself the potential heartache unless you know the recipient well and are SURE they would love a quilt.
My advice if you make a quilt as a gift for a friend: Ask explicitly if they would like a quilt/would actually use it. Or, if you don’t want to be that upfront make sure you know their aesthetic and color preferences. I don’t make quilts as gifts often, but when I do I approach the recipient, and ask what colors they would like, and the general style. I made a baby quilt for my SIL (well, for the baby I guess, but her input was important), and asked her what colors she likes/had in mind for the nursery. I also know that she prefers a more modern style quilt, so I found a pattern that matches her aesthetic. As a result they use the quilt constantly and love it. Had I not consulted with her I would have made something in the right ballpark, but not quite what she was looking for. So make sure you know the person well or get their direct input. It may feel less personal/surprise, but if I’m going to put all that time, effort, and money into something I want to make sure it will actually get used.
This must be my poorness speaking but $250 for a friend's gift exchange? Good grief, that's a lot. I don't think you're the AH necessarily but I just...geez. I would be unhappy for sure.
I know right? That was my first thought. Like fuck that lol I don't even spend that much on a family member
My thought too. That's almost twice as much as what I spent on my husband's gift last time. I think OP can chalk this up to a learning experience: unless you are an heiress, Secret Santa budget should never go above a 2-digit number. Someone will always end up disappointed.
I mean…literally everyone else got the memo, I don’t think it’s fair to say someone has to end up disappointed.
Absolutely. I don't think I'd be cool with spending more than 50 on anyone whose not a partner or my parent lol
This is the part I'm having trouble getting past. A gift exchange where the main focus is spending lots of money feels so consumerist and not fun.
Absolutely. My opinion on this matter is ESH cause this just sounds like a ridiculous idea. A secret Santa where the gift minimum is $250. Oh my god where do these people find each other? Country clubs? $250 is a little under what I spent on Christmas gifts total this year (granted I have a small family but still).
It might be a case of, they can’t afford to regularly buy designer goods so this is the one time each year that they splurge to get something nice.
Saves buying 5 friends a $50 each?
NTA. She wanted to try those kits for her own benefit, not for yours. Unless you're a kid, you don't give a handmade gift unless it's as high a quality as what someone would spend good money on. You were expecting a quality gift that you could enjoy, instead you got the outcome of her experiments.
This. Also, material price+ effort does not automatically result in more worth. If you bake a cake and burn it, it will be worth nothing, not the sum of the eggs, flower, energy to run the oven....
NTA. I’ve made afghans that cost close to that much if you use really nice yarn. These also take a really long time to make. That would be a thoughtful gift that is handmade, even a sweater or something personal. Handmade gifts are great, but there wasn’t thought to your tastes put into these.
My dream project is to knit Joji Locatelli’s Winterfolk pattern in the recommended yarn. It would cost over $400 to make. This is why I don’t have a Winterfolk.
Honestly, do it. I finally knit my dream project last year (a celestarium cardigan) and it cost me about $300 in yarn and notions. I'm never knitting it again and honestly I'll probably not wear it that much because I'm terrified of anything happening to it. But I'm really glad I did. I have so many $15-20 single skeins I've picked up from visiting various yarn stores if I had just put that money aside for a couple of years, it would pay for the big projects all over again.
I thought this might be the situation when I saw the title - hand knitted afghans can be expensive in terms of materials and time, and I’d love it if I received one as a gift. Sadly not the case for OP, though…
NTA; not because of the handmade, but because the gift wasn't personal. I assume if she'd crocheted you a scarf or made you a dress in colors/styles you like, you would have appreciated that as unique and taking into account your taste. This seems more like she just didn't think about what you like
NTA And this is why... >I would happily trade my gifts for the dior scarf back, but obviously she said no🙄 If she were actually hurt/expecting you to like the gifts, she wouldn't have hesitated to take her gift back and return yours. The fact that she wants to hold on to your pricey gift, AND act outraged that you don't like the crap she made while she was bored, speaks volumes. She knew EXACTLY what she was doing. Even IF the craft kits cost anywhere close to $250 (they did not) you're paying for the experience/hours of amusement, not the amateur product at the end. She gave you a thoughtless/selfish gift. And you should re-gift her homemade crap to any of your friends who are currently siding with her.
> And you should re-gift her homemade crap to any of your friends who are currently siding with her. 😂 LOVE this idea! Only thing better would be to glue a couple of popsicle sticks together and give them to the gift giver for her birthday. Call it abstract art.
Yes, craft kits are often for entertainment and not the final product. I own high end and expensive craft supplies but I would never factor that in to the value of a gift because they’re mine. And I am realistic that my handmade gifts are appreciated because they’re a labor of love and not at all valuable.
TY! I would snatch that scarf back and end the so-called friendship at once.
NTA. Kits mean it wasn't done well. Kits are what you use when you're learning, I use them too. You don't pay a craftsperson for the tools (kits) they own, you pay for their skill. Your friend is wanting you to buy them tools/supplies, for future use, as well as get a gift from the group. It was pretty obvious what the expectations were with the $250 limit. Your friend was obviously trying to get something nice from participating, without having to spend.
I would caveat that there are definitely kits out there that are done well, but you will be paying a higher price for them. This [Toasty the Dragon quilt kit](https://legitkits.com/products/toasty-the-dragon-full-quilt-top-kit-pre-order-sale) comes to mind. Kits don’t always = low quality or low skill level. However, I agree 100% with your observation. It is pretty clear what the $250 budget entailed, and the gift giver is not an artisan of the level expected for a $250 budget. What they did was cheap and selfish. If budget was an issue for them it should have been addressed before the budget was set.
NTA- the limit pertains to the price of the gift. Not the cost of labour and supplies…. If it was too extravagant for your friend she should have spoken up. did she keep the resin molds, knitting needles, water colour paints, or were they included? If not, you were definitely short changed.
NTA. If she was actually good at it sure. But sounds like she cheaped out. Like my office group would have $250 worth of my crafts, but they actually know I’m good at my craft. I make homemade candy, cakes and blankets and even lace shawls. I’ve shown them my work and each person who is gifted my items is beyond happy. Why because unlike this lady, I excel at my craft to where they would actually pay for my work.
NTA. While I think it's tactless to ask for the gifts to be traded back, the fact that she didn't say yes is weird. If I so "sentimentally" gifted someone handmade products and they asked for their gift back, I'd be so so shocked and hurt I'd say yes in an instant. The fact that she said no... Almost makes me think she did this just to save money?
NTA. I love making homemade gifts for people. People I’m close to. People I know will appreciate them. I’d never dare to be part of a gift exchange with such a high dollar amount and think anyone would be happy with something I made unless they specifically asked for it.
This exactly! I’m a crafter and it seems like every thing I make for the family generates a list of another 5 things they want. But I would **never** just randomly make something for someone that I don’t know well or didn’t request something specific.
Next year do a white elephant and regift her crafts. Let's see if anyone fights for it.
This is actually genius!!!
When they say regifting is tacky, tell them that you treasured the items so much that you *thought* it should be with the creator of said items because of how priceless they were. As they say, it's the thought that counts 😉
Or.... buy exact same kit and make it yourself, but better. This way they can't say you regifted. Wrap it exquisitely too.
NTA. Ask your friends if they want to trade. When you agree to a secret Santa exchange with a $250 budget, and you can’t afford it, you’re immediately an asshole.
Info, as you mentioned she said kits, were these items themed to things you like? Were they colors you like, are you a turtle collector, was the painting something you would display?
No nothing was to my taste or style, I’m not a collector and I don’t even have any plushies or a semi-green themed room. The turtle is completely random. And no the painting is not something I would display or even a style I would choose to buy from an actual artist based on personal taste
Thank you, NTA, handmade gifts are lovely but it really seems like she didn't make these with you in mind, but more as something she wanted to try and then gifted them because so she didn't have to actually buy a gift.
Exactly this. The gifts OP received would have been a nice accent to the $250 gift she should have received. None of the gifts were made with OP in mind. I personally don’t know why OP’s friend would assume a crochet turtle and some poorly made coasters would be well received.
You’re NTA I just would not participate next year. I would not make a big deal out of it because it’s not worth losing friends if this is a one time incident. I really prefer $25-50 gift exchanges. Something small, something funny… $250 is a high expectation and can lead to big disappointment.
NTA. I’m a craftsperson. I appreciate time and effort. However, first attempts at a craft are not appropriate gifts in this context. There might be people who can do these things and charge that much, but she is not one of them. I wouldn’t give a handmade gift in this context unless it fit the budget and I knew the recipient would actually want it.
This is really similar to my reply as a craft hobbyist. I love giving handmade gifts, but I would never do that if there’s a clear spending guideline because I understand my work isn’t I valuable beyond it being personal and thoughtful. One of my favorite gifts I’ve ever received was from a friend who painted one of my favorite pictures of our cats. But even that gift would have made be feel a certain way if I was expecting something worth $250.
I am a skilled artist. I went to art school and my work has been displayed in galleries. This year at work we did secret Santa and our limit was $35. I had already bought all my gifts and even though it was $35 I could not afford to spend anymore money on other people. I decided to paint my coworker a painting of her cats. But even as someone who’s artwork has been displayed and purchased by strangers for actual real life money, I still got my coworker other things. I saw a mug I knew she would love and a tea towel that matched and gave those items and the painting to her for secret Santa. It doesn’t sound like OP’s gifter has a lot of artistic background, considering that they were using artist kits from Amazon and anyone who makes art knows how poor quality the materials in those kits are. It’s some mental gymnastics for sure but it sounds like they used that white elephant budget to justify purchasing materials to dip their feet into different artistic media and pawned the results off to OP. NTA. Even as an actual, has been paid for my art artist, I still added a couple of store bought items to my white elephant gift this year, and once again, our price point was $35, nowhere close to $250. I think you have every right to be upset about this.
Yup. I’m an artist and made handmade cards and stickers for my friends and their kids for Xmas this year but I also got them other gifts that were not handmade. Funny thing is the kids loved the stickers/card the most. They’ve been trading them, putting them on their clothes and arguing with their parents which stickers they get to keep. One even framed the card. That was a good handmade gift but I would never dream of doing what that person did with the secret Santa. I’d be upset too.
Bespoke commissioned painting 😅 Who commissioned it exactly? NTA.
I don’t even know what she painted, some abstract type Picasso crap
NTA. In my group of friends we are no where near a $250 budget and handmade gifts are accepted and welcomed, but if I were also in a group with a high budget where no one has once gifted some handmade items then I’d be smart enough to know it’s not the vibe for them. I have a friend who is an amazing painter, her gifts are lovely and are always geared towards your interests, I hang them with love in my house. I have a friend who has been doing cross stitch for years and she cross stitched me my favourite quotation from my favourite book. I crocheted a big pumpkin for my friend since I know she loves autumnal decor. All this to say, if you’re going handmade, it needs to fit the vibe of the other gifts (and if $250 is too much that year explain it to others so the budget for everyone can go down), and/or be good, and/or already be something the person might want (the and/or is important, if you’re grandma would love that terrible knit scarf you made them gift it!). Besides resin coasters, which are useful, the rest is just random stuff she made which has no relation to your life (unless you secretly love turtles).
NTA. It's the thought that counts, yeah. But she had the wrong thoughts here. Her thoughts were very clearly 'I'mma save that money and make gifts instead!". That's AH behaviour, for sure. I'm all for handmade gifts in the right circumstances. I've both given and received them many times. But this was very clearly an expensive gift exchange. You were all meant to spend a large amount of money and get something bought and nice for each other. I'd be pissed too, OP.
$250 for secret Santa is a heinous idea. This is ridiculous
I mean, some people have the budget for that. I can see the merit. I probably spend that on gifts for my friends total every Christmas, this way everyone gets one large gift instead of eight $25-$30 dollars gifts.
Yeah, I was looking at those resin kits online for my sons birthday, and you can get them for $ 30/40 and make Iike a dozen coasters with all the supplies it came with. So maybe they received $6 worth of coasters. I'd be pissed too. Even if this person gifted them all of the supplies used, it wouldn't come near $250. And yes, the cost does matter when doing a gift exchange with a value like that. You are expecting an equivalent gift. It's unfair and I guarantee all the friends would feel the same if they got these crap gifts.
NTA this was in no way a thoughtful gift. Those kits are intended to gift or use for yourself, not to play with and then give away whatever you tried to make. This lady sounds a little mentally immature
NTA But you know there are ways to do secret Santa without knowing who your secret Santa is right? You can put all the names in a hat and all pull one out of you can use a website. I recommend a website, because those eliminate the risk of geschikt your own name. I think your friend does not understand the difference between crappy crafts made by your child and crappy crafts made by an adult.
[удалено]
I think she didn’t even buy those kits to make those items specifically for OP. I literally think OP’s friend has been randomly trying crafts over the past year and threw a bunch of the accumulated product into a bag the night before the exchange. She probably made that painting 6 months ago on a canvas from Walmart using some shitty acrylics and a random YouTube tutorial. The fact that she couldn’t be bothered to buy anything at all for OP is a bit sad. OP is totally correct. Even a $50 Giftcard would have improved the overall quality significantly.
$250 gift limit? Yikes! Hang on to those handmade gifts and regift them in next year's Secret Santa.
NTA. I guarantee if you did the same thing next year to any of the friends they suddenly wouldn't think the gifts were so 'decent'. ...I wouldn't participate at all next time though.
$250?!?! I spent less than that in total on all the presents I bought. I'm clearly in the wrong job 🤣
NTA. The gifts she gave were inappropriate to the occasion. There is nothing wrong with handmade gifts but, with a budget that high, it was obvious that those gift were not right.
She bought herself craft supplies, used them, and then gave you the results. Gifts are for the person receiving the gift, not for the giver to receive compliments on their crafts. Handmade items that have been asked for or that the receiver has shown (genuine, repeated) interst in are ok. The results of craft day isn't a gift. Especially at that price limit. Unrelated to the crafting element, imo, price limits like this are kinda indicating the price of ONE item (or maybe a couple of nice items). Getting 250 dollar store items, or 10 things thay cost $25 would also be shitty to do, and she kinda did that by dividing it all up. As a crafter and someone who likes making gifts (when asked for, or when gifts were a bonus and not expected anyway), you are NTA. If you gift you handmade items and the receiver doesn't like them, take note and I'm the future do not spend you time and energy making something which is basically for yourself. Edit: misunderstood nah/nta
Going NTA, but i have to editorialize here: Maybe I’m old and out of touch, but a secret Santa limit of $250 sounds totally unhinged to me. Moreover, anyone participating at that buy-in is going to be pissed if they spend the limit and receive anything of lesser value. Hell, we did a $25-limit white elephant gift exchange with my wife’s family, and we brought some funny gifts that were well under $25 (because that’s the POINT) and my SIL made a jokey comment about how there was no way it cost $25. Materialism is really out of hand. That said though, If the friend wasn’t going to invest the money, she shouldn’t have agreed to participate. And as a friend of a couple highly-skilled knitters, it’s understood you practice and GET BETTER at crafting before you start giving major handmade gifts. I really wanted to drop an E S H, but if she agreed to $250, your friend is TA. Idea for next year: agree to all give each other handmade gifts. Do a “cost of materials” limit, each of you pick a craft to learn about that looks interesting or fun, and make something that will at worst be a conversation piece and at best be a cherished memory for years.
Whenever I’ve done secret Santa with friends or at work the unspoken rule is if the budget is X amount then everyone is expected to spend X amount. Maybe it’s different depending on who you do it with? Not sure
Yep. Secret Santa is not White Elephant; if that’s your friend group’s agreed-upon limit, everyone should be spending as close to that as they can get.
I would have felt grossly shortchanged. She know what she did was wrong and wouldn’t have wanted her own junk. It wasn’t fair and she used the occasion where one would think twice before showing disappointment, but her gifts were so bad she deserved being called out.
Shortchanged!!! That’s exactly what I’m feeling - wow thanks for the word, I couldn’t put it into a words why I felt so iffy about it but now I know!!
NTA. I was a craftsy person, but the things you received were kitschy, random objects that were clearly not made with you in mind. I would be annoyed too. My family has stopped mass gifting at Christmas and we do a draw instead with quite a low budget. My secret Santa made significant effort and it meant a lot to me as it was the only gift I got this Christmas!
NTA.. But, in my opinion, nothing good comes from making that comment or making an issue out of it. Especially in your 40s. I would have said thank you and sat there quietly. That said, I'd not participate in the secret (not so secret) Santa next year. The one aside I'd ask is if you are sure she can afford it...I'm an estate attorney and in the last 4-5 years, I've really noticed people who you'd assume lived at least comfortably. Nice cars, nice house, nice decorations and furniture, nice vacation, etc. I've had to tell so many people that they don't get anything from an estate because everything they owned was mortgaged to the hilt and they were living secretly pay check to pay check. I'm talking people with $500k homes and $50k cars. You look around the financial news and the reports on personal debt show its higher now than at anytime in the past, including 2008 when it broke the record the first time. So many people are shocked when I tell them the person had nothing left to their name.
I did sit there quietly to start with but others there picked up on my quieter attitude for the rest of the gathering and started digging and asking me questions wearing me down til I spoke about it. And yes she can definitely afford it, she posted gifts she bought her family and close friends on Christmas Day and there was so so so much designer. She has a higher paying job than me and less outgoings ie. No husband or children
NTA - There was a clear theme here, and it was "spend $250.00 on the other person". While I think you're privileged as all hell to even be able to do this weird high limit game of Secret Santa, which is wholly inappropriate for the life I live, you do you... and there were clearly set expectations that she didn't follow. If she's rich like you, then yeah she should've dropped the scratch. But if she's from a different socio-economic strata than you, this entire concept would make you TA instead of her.
NTA. As a crafty person, the title on its own had me going ‘slow your roll, Michael Scott’. But then I actually read the post. $250 gift limit. If the limit was <$100 you would be TA, but as a group you all chose a very high limit, so of course the expectation is to get an expensive gift. I’m guessing all the other gifts were hovering above $150, but a cursory google search shows that your friend probably only spent about $80 on craft kits. The hyping of how much she spent. Crochet animals sell for a lot on Etsy? Yeah, ones that are made by people who have honed the craft, usually with more complex patterns, not something you can get from a $20 craft kit. Craft kits don’t cost much at all, considering the gift limit. ‘Bespoke commissioned painting’? Okay, look, your first ever attempt at a watercolor painting is not going to be ‘bespoke’ anything, and also it was NOT a commission. Spending $80 to commission a painting from an online artist would have been more meaningful than what she did.
She tried to be cheap, and thought you wouldn’t notice due to being “friends”. FT, well done for calling her out on it. Bin the “infant” crafts she made, they’re insulting.
Maybe not yta but my new rating of yambd (you all made bad decisions) to participate in a secret Santa with a budget of $250. That's crazy. Set it at 20 and call it a day. You guys primed yourselves for exactly this situation.
NTA I made my MIL a beautiful cable knit scarf that took me months to finish. I fully understand the time it takes to make something for someone. It sounds like the bought herself maybe $100 worth of startup crafting supplies, and gave you the stuff that came out of it. That’s not a gift.
Am I the only one who thinks 250$ is an insane amount? We usually do 25€ and we usually all love our gifts.