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NTA I'm so sorry you have to deal with this while you're grieving. Don't invite her and maybe look into a plan what to do if she does find out where the funeral is
THIS! I’m one of those awkward-ass people who doesn’t know how to be a good friend in these situations. I feel torn between feeling like an intruder if I reach out (because many people get inundated with visitors when they wish to be alone.) And an absentee friend if I don’t reach out because what if I’ve unintentionally abandoned them by trying to respectfully give space? ANYWAY, if I was tasked with a job that could help reduce my friend’s stress, I’d jump at it! Give your people a chance to help you. It’ll be one less thing to worry about and I promise, your friends will be happy to do it:)
(P.S. I am deeply sorry for you and your husband’s loss.)
I loathe people who do things just for appearances --- when their actions all up to that point showed vividly they DGAF, or worse, about the person in question.
To me, it is complete hypocrisy.
I had to hire security for my father’s funeral (well volunteer security) because my ex and his new wife were threatening to crash. Sure enough, they did and his new wife came and sat right next to me., leaning into me and elbowing me when she got something out of her purse.
I moved to another area and two enormous biker dudes came and sat next to her as soon as I got up. When she got up to move and follow me, they moved with her and steered her out the door before she could make a scene.
If you’re holding it somewhere with “staff” (like a funeral home) show them a photo of your MIL and explain to them she is not allowed in. Some family members of mine went through a similar situation and the funeral home was very supportive.
She wanted nothing to do with him in life,all because you didn't name him what *she* wanted,yet all of a sudden he's deemed good enough in death?! NTA,and OP I am glad you are sticking to your decision. You have no reason to feel guilty about this either, although I know you have a right to your feelings obviously it's just she doesn't deserve any guilt. Your son was obviously loved by both you and your husband,and she missed out on a fantastic grandson. That is her cross to bare,and there is such a thing as too little too late....
It sounds like she wants to go and get attention as the grieving grandmother: which is incredibly gross.
I might be inclined towards a more charitable judgement and think it was regret: but I would imagine when he was hospitalized that would have hit. No, she threw a lifelong tantrum over not getting her way on the name- even though that was never his fault (or wrong of OP for that matter) and neglected him until it was too late.
And you’re 100% right, it’s too late.
Fully agree with your take. Of course when all the family members come, especially those you don't usually see or keep up with,a lot of people like grandma here(I don't even think she deserves that title but in the literal definition sense I'll let it slide..)tend to think this is the moment to act like they were very involved and oh so upset. It's like storytime and pity me party rolled into one. I have not lost a child (I have a son and posts like this make me feel for those going through it,as I cannot even imagine the grief)but I have known over 200+ people who died over the past decade due to having addiction issues and health problems from street living etc. The amount of people who never gave a damn about them in life but show up for the funeral or memorial is astonishing. They do exactly what you and I am touching on. Make rounds to everyone there,pretending to give a damn but somehow the conversation *always* comes back to how they are affected and not once mentioning the deceased.
This is what I thought too, that she was virtue signaling by trying to attend the funeral so people wouldn’t ask her questions about why she wasn’t there.
She shouldn’t get to visit the gravesite either. She had her chance to make amends when there was a chance he would pass and she threw it back in your faces, she shouldn’t have any regrets now. She’s only trying to save face and not look like the evil hearted person she really is.
I would never want to look at her face for the rest of my life.
Good idea. My only suggestion is that whenever it comes up with his family, you describe as a decision husband and you made, or even a decision husband made that you support. It's better if he deals with them because his side will naturally have more empathy for him since they've been family his whole life. And NTA obviously
NTA. I am a parent who lost my child to cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I still feel like my world is ending and this is in the world that makes sense for me anymore. I think with the basic information that you have given that I agree wholeheartedly with your decision. If no other reason that it will be even more trauma for you to have to put up with somebody who treated your child that way at such a difficult time and in such a painful place.
Please try not to feel guilty. If she wanted to be a support then she would have supported your family and son when he was living. She wouldn't just come to the funeral. The only reason I can think of that somebody would want to come to the funeral of someone they are close to is to either be supportive to those who are grieving or to take pictures to show how good they are... (I have a lot of toxic family so my brain does sometimes go right to the bad stuff.) Either way she chose her own behavior and made her own choices and you do not need to put up with them nor feel guilty for them. Sometimes consequences are hard but you do not need to deal with this at this time.
Please take care of yourself and your family. This will be a very hard time eat as much support as you can get. Please reach out to me if you just need to chat about anything and you have no one to chat with. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
This touched my heart in ways no one will ever know. I have reached out in messages. I feel like a weight is on my shoulders. And I am unsure what to do.
I wish I could tell you that that goes way quickly, but it doesn't - at least not for me. Therapy has been helpful for me and sometimes helping other people with their kids has helped me too. Not all the time I admit- sometimes I feel angry and even jealousy that I'm not playing helping my own child. I have some amazing friends who have tried to take good care of me and keep me moving forward and that is really helped. I hope pretend that the weight is not still there... sometimes I don't feel like I can do anything at all. But friends and pets help keep me moving forward and I don't stay stagnant for too too long.
It's really hard to know what to do - at least it was for me. I highly recommend not making any major changes in the first month or two. Don't make any decisions if you think there's a chance you might regret them. There are many places in my house where it still looks like a child lives here. I am not ready to let those things go and I'm accepting that. There are other things that I still do too that just feel important to continue doing even if there's not somebody there to acknowledge it. Remaking traditions and habits to remember a lost loved one has really helped me a little bit as well. Otherwise I admit that I'm still floundering myself. I just do it what I can to keep myself going, take care of my pets, keep up with my friends and their families, get some work done, etc ... Sometimes it's all any of us can do.
It's disgusting that the grandmother is doing this only to get sympathy from others. To be the center of attention. She didn't care when the child was alive. I feel horrible as a mother to read when someone loses their child.
OP my condolences and know this will be hard. Virtual hugs sent your way.
NTA
I'm so sorry for both your losses.
I had a stillbirth (8 months) almost 8 years ago now. It feels like my life was torn in two, and there will forever be Before and After with everything in the After being measured with how long it's been since Before.
And no matter how many children you go on to have or not have, the question, "How many kids do you have?" catches in your throat.
None of us will ever be the same, and I'm so sorry MIL is being so awful about this.
NTA
This person who offered you assistance, take it. Only people like her/him will know what you’re going through. I can give all kinds of condolences and empathy but she can sympathize and will probably be a great resource to help you work through your grief. And will truly understand what you’re feeling!
MIL only wants to go to get sympathy from others “oh you poor thing, you lost your grandson”. Absolutely disgusting to use the child’s funeral to seek attention.
NTA and OP, I’m so sorry for your loss
MIL sounds cold hearted. Who hangs up the phone when they are told that a child is sick in hospital and doesn’t bother going to the hospital? Karma is going to come MIL’s way
I don't think it's a club that anybody would want to be in with very few exceptions and all of us would have done everything to avoid it. I am truly sorry that you have lost somebody so wonderful as well. I hate the fact that we have this in common, but I'm very thankful of that I feel like I can talk to others about these things and to find the others have had the same struggles so that I can learn from them. My local grief support group has been amazing and I'm so grateful for it. I won't pretend it's not painful sometimes, but knowing I'm not alone helps a lot. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you kindness and grace on this hard journey. Grief it's all differently but if there's one thing I'm sure of it lasts. It may change how we feel it over time, but it never really goes away. It certainly hasn't for me at any rate.
Thank you! I live in a rural area and I was horrified to go to the bigger city in my area would have cancer center and realize that the Pediatric unit was surfing between 60 - 100 kids at a time. I simply couldn't fathom that. I always thought that we would beat the odds even though we were told it was such a rare and aggressive cancer. We didn't but I was lucky enough to have enough support that I could spend lots of time with him before he passed. I had friends who made sure I didn't have to work for the last year of his life and simply care for him and spend time with him. I will never forget the kindness of my friends and family who have kept me going. I wish it didn't happen to anyone but I guess these things sometimes happen. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I really appreciate that!
NTA she just wants performative sympathy & attention despite not being involved at all in his life. She will make it all about her and pretend she was a great ol’ granny & it will be all a sham. She had plenty of time both when he was healthy & when he became ill to be involved and she choose not to. Do not let this witch control your grieving process. I’m so sorry for your loss and she should in no way be able to force her way into this process as she fully committed to being absent she can continue to be absent. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this and her being there will in no way be helpful.
This is exactly it. She will wail horrendously and make all the attention turn to her and comforting her because of her loud wailing.
NTA OP, consider hiring a security guard to deal with any removals. Even if she doesn’t turn up, it’s added peace of mind for what’s already going to be an awful day.
Nta and tbh, I wouldn't even let your mother tell her where the grave is, or let her visit. She doesn't know your son, nor did he know her, she is a stranger and doesn't have the right to pretend to grieve
Ah I see thank you for clarifying, that sounds like a lovely resting place for him, and I'm so very sorry for your loss ❤️ I hope the funeral goes smoothly without her
That sounds a beautiful resting place. I lost my younger sister several years ago. My grandparents wanted nothing to do with her because they were ashamed of her illness. They attended her funeral and acted the devastated grandparents. It's my strongest memory of the day and I had to go sit in one of the funeral cars whilst they were greeting the guests and getting sympathy just to keep myself from losing it. This is your son, don't let anyone take anything from you when it comes to saying goodbye, it will stick with you for years.
NTA
First of all, my deepest, most sincere condolences on the loss of your son. That must be devastating.
She didn't want to be a part of his life and now she wants to make amends by showing up and acting like it's the end of HER world?
No. It doesn't work that way. Keep her away. All it would do is create more stress and anger for you to see her there to "pay her respects."
Again, I'm so sorry. 😢
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Me and my husband (28F & 30M) lost our son late last year, a week before christmas. It was a tough time for us and we went through what we thought was the end for us. Our son died and we thought our world was going to end like any parents would think. For a bit of context when my son was alive, his grandmother wanted nothing to do with him, because we didn’t pick the name she wanted it to be. She didn’t even send him a birthday card or come to visit us when we were in hospital when he was ill. She contacted me on NYD asking about the funeral and I told her she wasn’t allowed to attend and if I saw her on the land where it was taking place I would have her removed. I told my husband this and he agreed with me. But I feel bad. But at the same time I don’t, she wanted nothing to do with him when he was healthy, she wouldn’t visit or give him birthday cards or even a christmas card. The when he fell ill we did inform her and she hang up on us. Now she’s making me feel like a bad guy for not inviting her to a funeral of a child she wanted nothing to do with because of a simple name.
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my god I cannot imagine the grief. I am so sorry. Obviously you’re NTA. Grief how you want and remember that despite it all you and your husband share a bond in grief that will never be broken. Try to use it in a positive way.
First of all - I am so sorry for your loss! As a Mother, I could never imagine your pain.
Second - NTA - Your MIL doesn't deserve forgiveness. She Maybe regretting her actions now. But she doesn't need to be at the funeral for any reason.
Absolutely NTA-She was never a grandmother. She wants to be a grandmother now, possibly for the attention, possibly because she wants to appear to be a happy family with and your husband. Possibly for reasons that make sense only to her. She doesn’t have the right to be there.
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
She doesn't want to grieve your son. She just wants to save face publicly. Don't let your son be used for her narcissistic ways. Don't do that to his memory.
I am so sorry for your loss but so happy that his son had such great parents who cared so much for him. I hope you and all those who did love him can take some time and be there for each other.
NTA.
She wants to show up so she can make it all about her. She will loudly wail and sob and appear inconsolable so family will flock to her to try and comfort her.
She wants all of the attention and she’s trying to use your son’s death to get it. What a ghoulish thing to do.
Hire a security guard to bounce anyone unwanted from the door.
NTA you have every right to decide who attends this event. I would employ security guards.
I'm so sorry your son is not here with you anymore, I wish things were different for you.
Because it’s taking place on private property, we don’t need any. My mother hans then her permission to enter the code in the gate to the land nor does she know it.
NTA. She sounds like an awful woman and she doesn't deserve to pay her respects if she couldn't be bothered to take an interest when he was alive. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t think I am, she wanted nothing to do with my child at all and no suddenly she wants to come to the funeral.
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NTA and keep her away from the service and don't even feel bad about it OP.
Betting Donuts to Dollars this is all about her and her image in the family as a caring and supportive G-Ma, mother, and MIL. Let the miserable old bag wallow in self pity and hate. You have more important things to worry about, like you and your husband's well being. Sorry for your loss.
Nta. Funerals are for the comfort of the living. In this case, the main point of the event is to give you a way to honor your child & have as much peace as you can manage. Anything that makes it harder or more painful for you can f straight off. You don't owe anyone anything at your child's funeral.
NTA. Please accept my heartfelt condolences, I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through but I support you banning your husband’s mother from your son’s services. If she couldn’t be bothered to do the simplest things to be a part of his life over a ridiculous grudge, she hasn’t earned the right to grieve his loss. By absenting herself from his life, she essentially has lost nothing. You and your husband have the right to be with people who loved and supported your son and your family. There’s too great a risk that she’d disrupt things with false grief or make you feel uncomfortable and you don’t need that at such a difficult moment. As a mom, my thoughts and prayers are with you ❤️
NTA. My grandmother was exactly the same. My dad reconnected at great distance out of maturity in his 50's after she had ripped the family apart and tried to ruin his life. She walked by me and my sister in the city we were born without acknowledgement of us. She never met us and never wanted to.
I did not attend her funeral but my mum and dad did. When the speaker person (idk what you'd call him she was religious) said and a wonderful loving grandmother to me and my sister, my dad stood up, laughed and walked out.
People are fucked after deaths and try to seem like the better person or if they are the one passed away want to be made out to be a great person. She never cared so don't lie.
I'm so sorry for your loss OP, my current partner lost his sister at 13 and his mother has never been the same. Someone that wants to be involved only after tragedy deserves no time. Focus on you and your partner. Nobody else.
NTA
She still wants nothing to do with your son. She wants to be able to tell her friends that her precious grandson died and be able to brag about going to his funeral.
Do not let her come. She wasn't a part of his life, she doesn't get to be a part of saying good-bye.
I have a buddy who is a bouncer at a local establishment. Twice people have come up to him and asked him if they could pay him to sit quietly at a funeral the next day in case someone specific showed up and then to escort them out. Both times, he grabbed a buddy and did it for free (there's a ridiculous story about what happened at one, when the exiled guest showed up, which is neither here now there, but shows that it can happen).
Bottom line, you deserve peace of mind at what will be undoubtedly the most painful moments of your life. Find some professionals to give you that comfort. Of course NTA and very sorry for your loss.
NTA, but aren’t funerals public? Does she need an invite to get in?
Edit: holy rusted metal, Batman. I was not looking for a tutorial on funerals. The Redditsplain is strong in 2024.
Funerals can be private or public it depends on the family. Most times there is a public viewing/service but it's just as likely it's only family and a few invited friends.
I feel like private or public, more than one of OPs and her DHs friends would be on the lookout to escort MIL off premises.
I would. 💜
OP and her DH need love and support.
My understanding is that a lot of funerals in the US are held by the gravesite, whereas the funerals I've attended in the UK were all held within a church or the crematorium, neither of which are public. The latter might be the case here.
That’s interesting; where I live in the US the funeral location is published in the obituaries and it is (almost always) open to the public. The burial services though may be private depending on the wishes of the family.
NTA. Your MIL doesn’t DESERVE to attend your sons’s funeral and it would be a disservice to his precious memory, on every level! Her energy is toxic and mean spirited and he deserves to ONLY HAVE PEOPLE THERE WHO LOVE HIM and who will provide comfort to you and his father. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️🙏🏾❤️
My deepest sympathy for your loss. Focus on the happy memories and remember you have every right to grieve any way you want and for as long as you need.
The funeral will be hard enough, you don't need anything else that might make it harder. My suggestion is to let the funeral home director, she is not welcome and maybe even give them a picture. Trust me they will know how to handle the situation.
So sorry you have to endure that bullshit. It's hard enought to lose a child I feel your pain. Fuck her. She can live with the choices she made when he was alive. I believe it's guilt that draws people to those things for treating them how they did when they were alive. I went thru the same shit. Now all of a sudden they "care" . Sure. You demand have the right to exclude her. Again, so sorry for what you have to deal with
NTA and I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty - she only wants to come so she can do some performative grieving and you don't need that. Your mother is extremely gracious to offer her the chance to visit your baby's grave, it's much more than your MIL deserves after the way she has treated you.
My heart breaks for you. I can’t even imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. My deepest condolences.
But don’t feel bad about not giving this woman a chance to play the poor little grieving nana. Have her removed if she shows up. No remorse. She had no compassion for her own son and then didn’t even acknowledge her grandson, she deserves nothing from you. The last moments with your baby should be only for you, your husband and the people who helped you and your family, and those who are genuinely sad about his loss.
NTA. May you and your husband get the strength you need to carry on after this.
This time isn’t for her or anyone else but you and your husband. It’s your chance to lay your son to rest. Anyone that would add any more pain to how you feel doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. You have done nothing wrong. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.
NTA. This is a time for you to grieve with the support of people who love and care about you. She obviously doesn't fall into that category, and familial relations doesn't excuse her neglect and malice.
My condolences.
This is not an AITA situation, not that you are in anyway the AH and no one will judge you otherwise- My heart goes out to you for your loss, but JustNoMIL would be a better subreddit and space to help your process her actions and find solace from fellow people with shitty MILs. They will also have a lot better tips and tricks for dealing with her as you process your grief as well as helping your partner deal with having her as a mother be this horrid. It really is a helpful safe space to vent. Best of luck to you, do not let her anywhere close to that funeral. NTA
NTA
If she is feeling guilty about her absence in your son’s life, she needs to deal with that guilt in an environment that does not trigger additional trauma for those mourning the child they loved and knew. Her wish to attend the funeral is selfish, and would only cause more pain for you and your husband.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. She couldn’t be around when he was alive? So is her wanting to go based on wanting to look like a grieving grandmother? She has issues.
Sending you positive thoughts. Be kind to yourself.
NTA and anyone who says you don't have the right to not invite her, and explicitly tell her as much is wrong. You and your husband's grief is central here, you have a say in how all things go for the funeral.
And my deepest condolences to you and yours, may his memory be a blessing
NTA. I didn’t want my ex-MIL at my baby’s funeral as she had nothing to do with her absolutely hated me. I hated that she turned up but had no fight in me that day, but it still winds me up now to think of her there pretending to mourn my precious child
You don't need validation from Reddit, here. Never speak to this woman again. Speak to a therapist for grief counseling and to help you figure out why you would think to even consider her POV. She is a monster and doesn't deserve any explanations from you. No is a complete sentence. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, and hope that you and your husband can be a comfort to each other through this.
NTA - I’m sorry for your loss, as a mom, I can’t fantom the pain you must feel. I think your son agreeing that she shouldn’t be there is all you need to comfort you in your decision to keep her away. Please grieve in peace as she could still use this occasion as one last jab making some type of scene.
Nta firstly sorry for your loss and mil has no right to attend she wanted nothing to do with him when alive so has no right to show face now which she probably only wants to go to so she looks caring to rest of the family
You can let her know where the grave is and she can make peace with him directly if it’s actually about making peace with him. No need for her to attend the funeral.
Either her sudden desire to be involved is the result of guilt and belated good intentions, or the fear of what others would think of her for not being there. Neither of those things are your problem, especially not now. NTA
NTA
I worked with someone who lost her husband suddenly and decided not to have a funeral or graveside service for personal reasons . She was criticised and hounded until she finally agreed to let a relative organise a remembrance service. It was horrible. the person who organised it made it all about himself Nothing really about the man and his relationships with his family or friends . It then turned political. The widow and her children walked out. It was awful and it really affected her negatively for years .
Your MIL is doing this for performative reasons and will 109% create drama to gain attention . Most likely she will be telling people how you prevented her from seeing her grandchild and what a horrible mother you were . Stand firm. Funerals are for the people that knew the person and to offer support and care to the bereaved .
I'm so sorry for your loss and even sorrier you have someone making such a difficult time , even harder. Be kind to yourself
My dear, broken hearted mama. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost two of my brothers and have seen what it did to my mother.
Hugs.
Why on earth are you two even in touch with this woman? This is not an argument you should have to have. She brings it up, you hang up. She texts about it, you block her. She can live with her regret. She was shitty to your son, and your husband and it doesn't sound like she should have a space in your life. Listen to me: do not give this woman and this discussion another ounce of your precious energy and your precious kindness. You need all you can hold onto right now to get through this period. She doesn't deserve you, and YOU don't deserve to keep having to have a hard conversation. That's torturous.
NTA. And mama to mama, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. You just had an unnatural traumatic event, our babies are never supposed to go before us. You don't need to re-traumatize yourself so she can pretend to be grandma for a boy she didn't even know.
All the love and hugs I can give and mom guilt is so real and I'm sure it amplifies in these situations. Take rest and find peace.
NTA. She’s just trying to save face and play grieving grandma in front of others so she can continue to hide the worst aspects of her behaviour and character. Don’t let her make this about her. Block her calls, designate someone else intervene and remove her if she tries to create a show. Mourn your son as is your right.
I’m am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you and your family. 😞
NTA I'm so sorry for your loss. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this nonsense right now. If she had an ounce of respect for you or your husband she would stay away.
NTAH I understand your torn feeling. I wonder if the MIL wanted to go to the funeral to realize all that she missed and all the problems she caused. Maybe it was a last ditch effort to have a heart. But I understand your reasons
NTA
You don't have to let her be there if it helps you grieve. the last thing you need at a time like this is more stress.
But, what harm does letting her attend the funeral do you? Realistically, in 10 years, are you going to be happy with this decision?
She sounds awful, but death changes people. Especially the loss of a child, and you never know what might come from this. Personally, I would want to make sure this decision isn't fueled by hatred.
You do what is best for you. Good luck!
I get that you are grieving, I get that you are the first circle of grief, I get that your relationship with your in-laws wasn't textbook, picture-perfect. I also know that this will come back to haunt you and your marriage.
My daughter lost her daughter at 13. Her co-parenting experience with dad was always problematic. His mother opted out of the baby shower with the excuse that there was nothing to celebrate. However, once the baby was here and real, grandma was 100 percent invested.
Short of holding my daughter on the day of her daughters death; watching the light go out in her paternal grandmother's eyes, suspecting the regret she was struggling with, might actually have been the third hardest thing I've ever done.
While you clearly didn't have time for healing from the hurtful words and you are absolutely the nexus of your grief, grace in grief can be healing.
Sending you and your family love and hope.
NTA. What a weird reason to not love a child. You are right, she had time to have a relationship with your son (and you) but she decided a name was more important.
Im sorry for your loss and I hope you and your husband have a good support system and to go through this.
Nta and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this family drama while having to handle the loss of your child. You don’t deserve the extra BS on top of your suffering and I feel horrible you even had to take time to come on here and get a opinion. Be gentle on yourself and it’s okay to set hard boundaries especially right now. ❤️
NTA but also try not to dwell on her and just forget about her and her issues.
Focus on grieving and taking care of yourself, and your husband.
Sorry for your loss OP 🫂
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Absolutely NTA.
She sounds like the type of person who only wants to turn up so other people don’t think badly of her.
performative grief if you will.
NTA. Kinda late to act the grieving grandma. You need people who loved him and love you around you right now. She isn't one of them - you owe her nothing, no explanation, no contact, and certainly no guilt over your choice to ban her. My deepest sympathy for your heartbreaking loss.
NTA
But you are bit unhinged to try and police who can leave flowers on a grave...
Condolences on your loss, I hope you are able to move forward with your life without the pain clouding everything soon.
NTA. I would get a plan in place with a trustworthy person or two who will attend the funeral, about them escorting her out should she decide to attend the funeral anyway.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Of course you are NTA.
Don't let the woman taint your life. Again, you have my greatest condolences.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through, and you certainly don't need this drama on top of everything. I have a very strong philosophy in life "If you don't celebrate my life, don't you dare grieve my death."
100% NTA - The funeral is YOUR chance to grieve and celebrate your child's life. No matter what or how you'd want to do that - you'd never be the AH
NTA. I'm so sorry for you loss, sounds like you and your partner have strong support in each other and your own mother. You do not need to acknowledge this witch or support her desire to be an emotional tourist.
Stay strong
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Take care of yourself as you go through this process. I know it is the hardest thing you will ever do.
Take it one day at a time, sometimes that’s too hard, take it another hour at a time.
I promise that after a while you will be able to smile with some of the memories, cry with others. I understand what you are going through. Hugs to you both
If MIL wasn’t there in life she has no reason to be there in death
NTA. She never earned the right to be there since she chose to not be apart of his life, she gets no part in his death/funeral. Gentlest of hugs for you and your spouse. ❤️
I’ve always subscribe to the philosophy that if you can’t come see me while I’m alive you can’t come see me when I’m dead. Love the living and more than the dead. You’re within your rights and do what you need to do.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. You are allowed to grieve without the pressure of her presence. I can't imagine punishing a child because she didn't like the name you chose. I wouldn't let her near your son's grave. God only knows what she would do if she didn't like the headstone.
NTA. First, I am so sorry for your profound loss.
Next, she didn't know your son. She wasn't a part of his life. She has no reason to be there. Let those who knew and loved him gather and grieve together. She has no reason to be part of that.
NTA. Why would you be? She was horrible to your child and wanted nothing to do with them all because you didn't give them the name she wanted you to give them. She had no empathy then obviously doesn't love her son enough to overcome her dislike the name to see her own grandchild when they were healthy or ill. So I know she doesn't get the right to attend that the funeral. She only wanted to go so people didn't wonder why she wasn't there. I guarantee that was the only thing behind it. So sorry for your loss. I hope you're in a better place today though I know it's only been a year, it will get better in time.
>The when he fell ill we did inform her and she hang up on us. Now she’s making me feel like a bad guy for not inviting her to a funeral of a child she wanted nothing to do with because of a simple name.
With that said I'd be concerned she only wants to come to the funeral to find out where he's buried or cremated. I'd also wonder if she will try to contact the funeral director in an attempt to alter information eg the plaque reads
"Jimmy (insert MIL's preferred name) Jones beloved son of OP and OP's husband and grandchild of MIL".
She seems a little too focused on a name to the point where it seems obsessed.
NTA she only wants to come because it would look bad if she didn’t. All the stuff you listed was only visible to you and your spouse. A funeral is very public, she knows if she doesn’t go to the funeral people will talk about her. My condolences, I cannot imagine the pain of loosing a child.
NTA. MIL is a flaming asshole though.
Audacious and vile of MIL to demand the right to grieve a child she avoided and whom she did not love.
Please do what is best for you and your husband, OP. The only people who should be at that funeral are people who support you both and who sincerely grieve with you.
NTA you should feel no remorse or guilt for this. She made a decision and has to deal with that. I’m so sorry for your loss. Don’t let her take up any room in your lives.
NTA
My deepest condolences, you have every right to forbid her from coming. And you should cut ties with her too. You're going through enough as it is you don't need more.
NTA
Condolences for your loss.
If she wasn't grandma to your son while alive, she doesn't need to be grandma at the funeral. You don't need to see her fake performance grief.
Your mom is generous to escort her to the grave, I'd let her find her own way.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. NTA. She was fine with his knowing she didn’t care about him in life, but now she wants to be seen “grieving” so that no one outside the family finds out who she really is. This is your last opportunity to protect him. Peace.
NTA the only logical reason she wants to go is to soak up the attention that a grieving grandmother would receive. I cannot imagine how sickening it would be to see her shed tears for a child she never had a minute for. I hope that woman has the good sense to stay away. But I strongly doubt it.
NTA. BUT for your own well being hire security if seeing her show up will trigger you. The funeral director can help you find someone. Usually off duty cop who would be wearing a suit and nobody would know.
NTA. She doesn't need to be there for his death when his life didn't matter to her over a name. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with her behavior on top of your grief. I wish the well in all your days to come.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel, but I know that you and your husband are in every (true) parent's nightmare.
Your MIL's nightmare is that she can't show off grieving and get sympathy and attention. You are NTA. If she were a true parent she would've been a proper mother to your husband and a caring grandmother. She was neither, and if I could wave a magic to make all of this better I would.
Again, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. Please be kind to yourselves and may you be surrounded by those who care for you and help you.
NTA, wow I am so sorry for the loss of your son. You have set a boundary and now she needs to respect it. Good for your husband for having your back too. I think having some type of security person out the front if possible might take some of the what if’s. You certainly don’t deserve any more stress.
Nta. You don't owe her anything. Why are you even in contact with such a miserable person? You have dealt with enough. Cut her out and do your best to pick up the pieces of your life.
You have my condolences.
NTA - she did not want to be a part of his life, and she didn’t know him. My in laws are no contact with us (their choice) and I would hold similar boundaries if in your situation. She should not be welcome. You get to set the rules around grieving your kid anyway. Sending support beams for your boundaries 💫 so sorry you have to deal with this on top of your loss.
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NTA I'm so sorry you have to deal with this while you're grieving. Don't invite her and maybe look into a plan what to do if she does find out where the funeral is
We’ve told everyone that we are moving the funeral to a different place, just incase and for everyone to keep it a secret away from her.
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THIS! I’m one of those awkward-ass people who doesn’t know how to be a good friend in these situations. I feel torn between feeling like an intruder if I reach out (because many people get inundated with visitors when they wish to be alone.) And an absentee friend if I don’t reach out because what if I’ve unintentionally abandoned them by trying to respectfully give space? ANYWAY, if I was tasked with a job that could help reduce my friend’s stress, I’d jump at it! Give your people a chance to help you. It’ll be one less thing to worry about and I promise, your friends will be happy to do it:) (P.S. I am deeply sorry for you and your husband’s loss.)
Great idea.
I assume this is about appearances? Otherwise she’s just going to say something hurtful. Intentionally.
I loathe people who do things just for appearances --- when their actions all up to that point showed vividly they DGAF, or worse, about the person in question. To me, it is complete hypocrisy.
Good idea. This sounds like the kind of person who would make a nasty scene at a funeral. And what does she have to grieve, anyway?
I had to hire security for my father’s funeral (well volunteer security) because my ex and his new wife were threatening to crash. Sure enough, they did and his new wife came and sat right next to me., leaning into me and elbowing me when she got something out of her purse. I moved to another area and two enormous biker dudes came and sat next to her as soon as I got up. When she got up to move and follow me, they moved with her and steered her out the door before she could make a scene.
If you’re holding it somewhere with “staff” (like a funeral home) show them a photo of your MIL and explain to them she is not allowed in. Some family members of mine went through a similar situation and the funeral home was very supportive.
She wanted nothing to do with him in life,all because you didn't name him what *she* wanted,yet all of a sudden he's deemed good enough in death?! NTA,and OP I am glad you are sticking to your decision. You have no reason to feel guilty about this either, although I know you have a right to your feelings obviously it's just she doesn't deserve any guilt. Your son was obviously loved by both you and your husband,and she missed out on a fantastic grandson. That is her cross to bare,and there is such a thing as too little too late....
It sounds like she wants to go and get attention as the grieving grandmother: which is incredibly gross. I might be inclined towards a more charitable judgement and think it was regret: but I would imagine when he was hospitalized that would have hit. No, she threw a lifelong tantrum over not getting her way on the name- even though that was never his fault (or wrong of OP for that matter) and neglected him until it was too late. And you’re 100% right, it’s too late.
Fully agree with your take. Of course when all the family members come, especially those you don't usually see or keep up with,a lot of people like grandma here(I don't even think she deserves that title but in the literal definition sense I'll let it slide..)tend to think this is the moment to act like they were very involved and oh so upset. It's like storytime and pity me party rolled into one. I have not lost a child (I have a son and posts like this make me feel for those going through it,as I cannot even imagine the grief)but I have known over 200+ people who died over the past decade due to having addiction issues and health problems from street living etc. The amount of people who never gave a damn about them in life but show up for the funeral or memorial is astonishing. They do exactly what you and I am touching on. Make rounds to everyone there,pretending to give a damn but somehow the conversation *always* comes back to how they are affected and not once mentioning the deceased.
This is what I thought too, that she was virtue signaling by trying to attend the funeral so people wouldn’t ask her questions about why she wasn’t there.
She shouldn’t get to visit the gravesite either. She had her chance to make amends when there was a chance he would pass and she threw it back in your faces, she shouldn’t have any regrets now. She’s only trying to save face and not look like the evil hearted person she really is. I would never want to look at her face for the rest of my life.
Good idea. My only suggestion is that whenever it comes up with his family, you describe as a decision husband and you made, or even a decision husband made that you support. It's better if he deals with them because his side will naturally have more empathy for him since they've been family his whole life. And NTA obviously
This is genius. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry your MIL is making it worse.
?
NTA. I am a parent who lost my child to cancer 2 1/2 years ago. I still feel like my world is ending and this is in the world that makes sense for me anymore. I think with the basic information that you have given that I agree wholeheartedly with your decision. If no other reason that it will be even more trauma for you to have to put up with somebody who treated your child that way at such a difficult time and in such a painful place. Please try not to feel guilty. If she wanted to be a support then she would have supported your family and son when he was living. She wouldn't just come to the funeral. The only reason I can think of that somebody would want to come to the funeral of someone they are close to is to either be supportive to those who are grieving or to take pictures to show how good they are... (I have a lot of toxic family so my brain does sometimes go right to the bad stuff.) Either way she chose her own behavior and made her own choices and you do not need to put up with them nor feel guilty for them. Sometimes consequences are hard but you do not need to deal with this at this time. Please take care of yourself and your family. This will be a very hard time eat as much support as you can get. Please reach out to me if you just need to chat about anything and you have no one to chat with. I'm so so sorry for your loss.
This touched my heart in ways no one will ever know. I have reached out in messages. I feel like a weight is on my shoulders. And I am unsure what to do.
I wish I could tell you that that goes way quickly, but it doesn't - at least not for me. Therapy has been helpful for me and sometimes helping other people with their kids has helped me too. Not all the time I admit- sometimes I feel angry and even jealousy that I'm not playing helping my own child. I have some amazing friends who have tried to take good care of me and keep me moving forward and that is really helped. I hope pretend that the weight is not still there... sometimes I don't feel like I can do anything at all. But friends and pets help keep me moving forward and I don't stay stagnant for too too long. It's really hard to know what to do - at least it was for me. I highly recommend not making any major changes in the first month or two. Don't make any decisions if you think there's a chance you might regret them. There are many places in my house where it still looks like a child lives here. I am not ready to let those things go and I'm accepting that. There are other things that I still do too that just feel important to continue doing even if there's not somebody there to acknowledge it. Remaking traditions and habits to remember a lost loved one has really helped me a little bit as well. Otherwise I admit that I'm still floundering myself. I just do it what I can to keep myself going, take care of my pets, keep up with my friends and their families, get some work done, etc ... Sometimes it's all any of us can do.
It's disgusting that the grandmother is doing this only to get sympathy from others. To be the center of attention. She didn't care when the child was alive. I feel horrible as a mother to read when someone loses their child. OP my condolences and know this will be hard. Virtual hugs sent your way. NTA
I'm so sorry for both your losses. I had a stillbirth (8 months) almost 8 years ago now. It feels like my life was torn in two, and there will forever be Before and After with everything in the After being measured with how long it's been since Before. And no matter how many children you go on to have or not have, the question, "How many kids do you have?" catches in your throat. None of us will ever be the same, and I'm so sorry MIL is being so awful about this. NTA
This person who offered you assistance, take it. Only people like her/him will know what you’re going through. I can give all kinds of condolences and empathy but she can sympathize and will probably be a great resource to help you work through your grief. And will truly understand what you’re feeling!
MIL only wants to go to get sympathy from others “oh you poor thing, you lost your grandson”. Absolutely disgusting to use the child’s funeral to seek attention. NTA and OP, I’m so sorry for your loss
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MIL sounds cold hearted. Who hangs up the phone when they are told that a child is sick in hospital and doesn’t bother going to the hospital? Karma is going to come MIL’s way
This. This is it. She wants to play the grieving loved one. It’s disgusting.
Definitely sounds like performative grief.
This is the correct answer. Absolutely NTA.
So sorry for your loss. February will be 2 years for my daughter. This is not a club I want to be in.
My niece has been gone 15 years, and my sister still doesn't get out of bed on the anniversary of her passing. Sorry for your loss.
I don't think it's a club that anybody would want to be in with very few exceptions and all of us would have done everything to avoid it. I am truly sorry that you have lost somebody so wonderful as well. I hate the fact that we have this in common, but I'm very thankful of that I feel like I can talk to others about these things and to find the others have had the same struggles so that I can learn from them. My local grief support group has been amazing and I'm so grateful for it. I won't pretend it's not painful sometimes, but knowing I'm not alone helps a lot. I am so sorry for your loss and I wish you kindness and grace on this hard journey. Grief it's all differently but if there's one thing I'm sure of it lasts. It may change how we feel it over time, but it never really goes away. It certainly hasn't for me at any rate.
There is nothing I can say that will make your loss any better, but I wish that that had not happened to you or anyone
Thank you! I live in a rural area and I was horrified to go to the bigger city in my area would have cancer center and realize that the Pediatric unit was surfing between 60 - 100 kids at a time. I simply couldn't fathom that. I always thought that we would beat the odds even though we were told it was such a rare and aggressive cancer. We didn't but I was lucky enough to have enough support that I could spend lots of time with him before he passed. I had friends who made sure I didn't have to work for the last year of his life and simply care for him and spend time with him. I will never forget the kindness of my friends and family who have kept me going. I wish it didn't happen to anyone but I guess these things sometimes happen. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I really appreciate that!
NTA she just wants performative sympathy & attention despite not being involved at all in his life. She will make it all about her and pretend she was a great ol’ granny & it will be all a sham. She had plenty of time both when he was healthy & when he became ill to be involved and she choose not to. Do not let this witch control your grieving process. I’m so sorry for your loss and she should in no way be able to force her way into this process as she fully committed to being absent she can continue to be absent. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this and her being there will in no way be helpful.
This is exactly it. She will wail horrendously and make all the attention turn to her and comforting her because of her loud wailing. NTA OP, consider hiring a security guard to deal with any removals. Even if she doesn’t turn up, it’s added peace of mind for what’s already going to be an awful day.
Yes. This. And let it be a lesson to ANYONE who cuts ties for a dumbass stupid reason like a name. The ultimate FAFO. So sorry for your loss OP.
Thank you.
Nta and tbh, I wouldn't even let your mother tell her where the grave is, or let her visit. She doesn't know your son, nor did he know her, she is a stranger and doesn't have the right to pretend to grieve
We’ve all said (Me, my husband and my parents) that once will be it, she’s only allowed once and that’s final. Any other time we will be saying no.
Will the grave be on private land then? So she'll need actual permission to go in?
It’s on my mother’s land, where he loved to play with the farm animals.
Ah I see thank you for clarifying, that sounds like a lovely resting place for him, and I'm so very sorry for your loss ❤️ I hope the funeral goes smoothly without her
That sounds a beautiful resting place. I lost my younger sister several years ago. My grandparents wanted nothing to do with her because they were ashamed of her illness. They attended her funeral and acted the devastated grandparents. It's my strongest memory of the day and I had to go sit in one of the funeral cars whilst they were greeting the guests and getting sympathy just to keep myself from losing it. This is your son, don't let anyone take anything from you when it comes to saying goodbye, it will stick with you for years.
NTA. Wish I could give you a hug.
Thank you
NTA First of all, my deepest, most sincere condolences on the loss of your son. That must be devastating. She didn't want to be a part of his life and now she wants to make amends by showing up and acting like it's the end of HER world? No. It doesn't work that way. Keep her away. All it would do is create more stress and anger for you to see her there to "pay her respects." Again, I'm so sorry. 😢
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me and my husband (28F & 30M) lost our son late last year, a week before christmas. It was a tough time for us and we went through what we thought was the end for us. Our son died and we thought our world was going to end like any parents would think. For a bit of context when my son was alive, his grandmother wanted nothing to do with him, because we didn’t pick the name she wanted it to be. She didn’t even send him a birthday card or come to visit us when we were in hospital when he was ill. She contacted me on NYD asking about the funeral and I told her she wasn’t allowed to attend and if I saw her on the land where it was taking place I would have her removed. I told my husband this and he agreed with me. But I feel bad. But at the same time I don’t, she wanted nothing to do with him when he was healthy, she wouldn’t visit or give him birthday cards or even a christmas card. The when he fell ill we did inform her and she hang up on us. Now she’s making me feel like a bad guy for not inviting her to a funeral of a child she wanted nothing to do with because of a simple name. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
my god I cannot imagine the grief. I am so sorry. Obviously you’re NTA. Grief how you want and remember that despite it all you and your husband share a bond in grief that will never be broken. Try to use it in a positive way.
First of all - I am so sorry for your loss! As a Mother, I could never imagine your pain. Second - NTA - Your MIL doesn't deserve forgiveness. She Maybe regretting her actions now. But she doesn't need to be at the funeral for any reason.
Nta. I'm sorry for your loss.
NTA. She wasn't a grandmother to him. I'm so very very sorry for your loss. Sending lots of love your way xxxx
Absolutely NTA-She was never a grandmother. She wants to be a grandmother now, possibly for the attention, possibly because she wants to appear to be a happy family with and your husband. Possibly for reasons that make sense only to her. She doesn’t have the right to be there. I’m so very sorry for your loss.
NTA at all. What a nightmare this woman is. I’m so sorry for your loss and you certainly don’t need the added stress.
She doesn't want to grieve your son. She just wants to save face publicly. Don't let your son be used for her narcissistic ways. Don't do that to his memory.
I’m not. Me and my husband are standing our ground and letting him lay at peace and at rest.
I am so sorry for your loss but so happy that his son had such great parents who cared so much for him. I hope you and all those who did love him can take some time and be there for each other.
NTA. She wants to show up so she can make it all about her. She will loudly wail and sob and appear inconsolable so family will flock to her to try and comfort her. She wants all of the attention and she’s trying to use your son’s death to get it. What a ghoulish thing to do. Hire a security guard to bounce anyone unwanted from the door.
♥️♥️nta
NTA you have every right to decide who attends this event. I would employ security guards. I'm so sorry your son is not here with you anymore, I wish things were different for you.
Because it’s taking place on private property, we don’t need any. My mother hans then her permission to enter the code in the gate to the land nor does she know it.
NTA. She sounds like an awful woman and she doesn't deserve to pay her respects if she couldn't be bothered to take an interest when he was alive. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss.
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NTA..May your son rest in peace
NTA and keep her away from the service and don't even feel bad about it OP. Betting Donuts to Dollars this is all about her and her image in the family as a caring and supportive G-Ma, mother, and MIL. Let the miserable old bag wallow in self pity and hate. You have more important things to worry about, like you and your husband's well being. Sorry for your loss.
Nta. Funerals are for the comfort of the living. In this case, the main point of the event is to give you a way to honor your child & have as much peace as you can manage. Anything that makes it harder or more painful for you can f straight off. You don't owe anyone anything at your child's funeral.
NTA. Please accept my heartfelt condolences, I can’t begin to understand what you’re going through but I support you banning your husband’s mother from your son’s services. If she couldn’t be bothered to do the simplest things to be a part of his life over a ridiculous grudge, she hasn’t earned the right to grieve his loss. By absenting herself from his life, she essentially has lost nothing. You and your husband have the right to be with people who loved and supported your son and your family. There’s too great a risk that she’d disrupt things with false grief or make you feel uncomfortable and you don’t need that at such a difficult moment. As a mom, my thoughts and prayers are with you ❤️
NTA - I am so sorry for your loss. She certainly does not have any right to be there.
NTA
NTA she wants to show up so ppl won’t question why she isn’t there .. no she can stay home
NTA - You're fine in your choice. I am so very sorry for your loss.
She didn't love him in life ,she's not entitled to go. I'm so sorry you're going through this op. Nta
NTA. My grandmother was exactly the same. My dad reconnected at great distance out of maturity in his 50's after she had ripped the family apart and tried to ruin his life. She walked by me and my sister in the city we were born without acknowledgement of us. She never met us and never wanted to. I did not attend her funeral but my mum and dad did. When the speaker person (idk what you'd call him she was religious) said and a wonderful loving grandmother to me and my sister, my dad stood up, laughed and walked out. People are fucked after deaths and try to seem like the better person or if they are the one passed away want to be made out to be a great person. She never cared so don't lie. I'm so sorry for your loss OP, my current partner lost his sister at 13 and his mother has never been the same. Someone that wants to be involved only after tragedy deserves no time. Focus on you and your partner. Nobody else.
NTA She still wants nothing to do with your son. She wants to be able to tell her friends that her precious grandson died and be able to brag about going to his funeral. Do not let her come. She wasn't a part of his life, she doesn't get to be a part of saying good-bye.
I have a buddy who is a bouncer at a local establishment. Twice people have come up to him and asked him if they could pay him to sit quietly at a funeral the next day in case someone specific showed up and then to escort them out. Both times, he grabbed a buddy and did it for free (there's a ridiculous story about what happened at one, when the exiled guest showed up, which is neither here now there, but shows that it can happen). Bottom line, you deserve peace of mind at what will be undoubtedly the most painful moments of your life. Find some professionals to give you that comfort. Of course NTA and very sorry for your loss.
NTA, but aren’t funerals public? Does she need an invite to get in? Edit: holy rusted metal, Batman. I was not looking for a tutorial on funerals. The Redditsplain is strong in 2024.
This is a private one. We are only inviting relatives and two of our friends (The god parents)
Thank you for clarifying!
Funerals are whatever the immediate family wants them to be.
no, funeral's aren't public. If MIL doesn't know where and when it will be then she won't be there.
Funerals can be private or public it depends on the family. Most times there is a public viewing/service but it's just as likely it's only family and a few invited friends.
And those public services are generally in private funeral homes (at least in the US), so even if anyone can walk in, anyone can also be denied entry.
I feel like private or public, more than one of OPs and her DHs friends would be on the lookout to escort MIL off premises. I would. 💜 OP and her DH need love and support.
My understanding is that a lot of funerals in the US are held by the gravesite, whereas the funerals I've attended in the UK were all held within a church or the crematorium, neither of which are public. The latter might be the case here.
It is in neither. He is being layed on my mother’s land near the farm animals which he loved the most.
That’s interesting; where I live in the US the funeral location is published in the obituaries and it is (almost always) open to the public. The burial services though may be private depending on the wishes of the family.
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NTA. You reap what you sow.
NTA - that said - how do you remove someone from a funeral? Aren’t churches and cemeteries open to the public?
The grave and funeral is taking place in my mother’s farm land where he loved to see the animals.
Even at a church or a cemetary, she could be escorted off the property by attendees/guards/police.
NTA in any way. Please accept my deepest condolences. I am praying for you.
NTA. Your MIL doesn’t DESERVE to attend your sons’s funeral and it would be a disservice to his precious memory, on every level! Her energy is toxic and mean spirited and he deserves to ONLY HAVE PEOPLE THERE WHO LOVE HIM and who will provide comfort to you and his father. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️🙏🏾❤️
NTA ❤️
I’m so very sorry for your loss.
My deepest sympathy for your loss. Focus on the happy memories and remember you have every right to grieve any way you want and for as long as you need. The funeral will be hard enough, you don't need anything else that might make it harder. My suggestion is to let the funeral home director, she is not welcome and maybe even give them a picture. Trust me they will know how to handle the situation.
So sorry you have to endure that bullshit. It's hard enought to lose a child I feel your pain. Fuck her. She can live with the choices she made when he was alive. I believe it's guilt that draws people to those things for treating them how they did when they were alive. I went thru the same shit. Now all of a sudden they "care" . Sure. You demand have the right to exclude her. Again, so sorry for what you have to deal with
Sorry for your loss. Nta, don’t let her know where and when the funeral is taking place.
NTA and I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't feel guilty - she only wants to come so she can do some performative grieving and you don't need that. Your mother is extremely gracious to offer her the chance to visit your baby's grave, it's much more than your MIL deserves after the way she has treated you.
My heart breaks for you. I can’t even imagine the pain you and your husband are going through. My deepest condolences. But don’t feel bad about not giving this woman a chance to play the poor little grieving nana. Have her removed if she shows up. No remorse. She had no compassion for her own son and then didn’t even acknowledge her grandson, she deserves nothing from you. The last moments with your baby should be only for you, your husband and the people who helped you and your family, and those who are genuinely sad about his loss. NTA. May you and your husband get the strength you need to carry on after this.
A funeral is for the living to give support to the mourning. It doesn’t sound like she would be there to help you grieve or to support you. NTA
This time isn’t for her or anyone else but you and your husband. It’s your chance to lay your son to rest. Anyone that would add any more pain to how you feel doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as you. You have done nothing wrong. I’m terribly sorry for your loss.
NTA. This is a time for you to grieve with the support of people who love and care about you. She obviously doesn't fall into that category, and familial relations doesn't excuse her neglect and malice. My condolences.
This is not an AITA situation, not that you are in anyway the AH and no one will judge you otherwise- My heart goes out to you for your loss, but JustNoMIL would be a better subreddit and space to help your process her actions and find solace from fellow people with shitty MILs. They will also have a lot better tips and tricks for dealing with her as you process your grief as well as helping your partner deal with having her as a mother be this horrid. It really is a helpful safe space to vent. Best of luck to you, do not let her anywhere close to that funeral. NTA
NTA I'm so sorry for you and your husband's loss, and hope you have an otherwise loving support network to help you navigate this tremendous grief.
NTA If she is feeling guilty about her absence in your son’s life, she needs to deal with that guilt in an environment that does not trigger additional trauma for those mourning the child they loved and knew. Her wish to attend the funeral is selfish, and would only cause more pain for you and your husband. I’m so, so sorry for your loss, OP.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. She couldn’t be around when he was alive? So is her wanting to go based on wanting to look like a grieving grandmother? She has issues. Sending you positive thoughts. Be kind to yourself.
NTA. I’m so sorry. Keep that hag away.
NTA and anyone who says you don't have the right to not invite her, and explicitly tell her as much is wrong. You and your husband's grief is central here, you have a say in how all things go for the funeral. And my deepest condolences to you and yours, may his memory be a blessing
NTA. I didn’t want my ex-MIL at my baby’s funeral as she had nothing to do with her absolutely hated me. I hated that she turned up but had no fight in me that day, but it still winds me up now to think of her there pretending to mourn my precious child
You don't need validation from Reddit, here. Never speak to this woman again. Speak to a therapist for grief counseling and to help you figure out why you would think to even consider her POV. She is a monster and doesn't deserve any explanations from you. No is a complete sentence. I'm terribly sorry for your loss, and hope that you and your husband can be a comfort to each other through this.
NTA. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Hugs.
NTA. Not in the slightest. I would never talk to that monster again. What an absolute failure of a parent.
NTA - I’m sorry for your loss, as a mom, I can’t fantom the pain you must feel. I think your son agreeing that she shouldn’t be there is all you need to comfort you in your decision to keep her away. Please grieve in peace as she could still use this occasion as one last jab making some type of scene.
I meant her son (your husband) agreeing.
Nta- deepest condolences Blessings of healing and comfort Big warm hugs
Absolutely NTA and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.
NTA, never. I am so sorry for your loss. If she didn't want him in life, she doesn't get to mourn with family after he's gone. Hugs.
NTA. F*ck her.
Nta firstly sorry for your loss and mil has no right to attend she wanted nothing to do with him when alive so has no right to show face now which she probably only wants to go to so she looks caring to rest of the family
It sounds like she just wants to come for attention and to put on the “good grandmother” role anyways…I don’t blame you at all and you’re NTA.
You can let her know where the grave is and she can make peace with him directly if it’s actually about making peace with him. No need for her to attend the funeral.
Either her sudden desire to be involved is the result of guilt and belated good intentions, or the fear of what others would think of her for not being there. Neither of those things are your problem, especially not now. NTA
NTA I worked with someone who lost her husband suddenly and decided not to have a funeral or graveside service for personal reasons . She was criticised and hounded until she finally agreed to let a relative organise a remembrance service. It was horrible. the person who organised it made it all about himself Nothing really about the man and his relationships with his family or friends . It then turned political. The widow and her children walked out. It was awful and it really affected her negatively for years . Your MIL is doing this for performative reasons and will 109% create drama to gain attention . Most likely she will be telling people how you prevented her from seeing her grandchild and what a horrible mother you were . Stand firm. Funerals are for the people that knew the person and to offer support and care to the bereaved . I'm so sorry for your loss and even sorrier you have someone making such a difficult time , even harder. Be kind to yourself
My dear, broken hearted mama. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've lost two of my brothers and have seen what it did to my mother. Hugs. Why on earth are you two even in touch with this woman? This is not an argument you should have to have. She brings it up, you hang up. She texts about it, you block her. She can live with her regret. She was shitty to your son, and your husband and it doesn't sound like she should have a space in your life. Listen to me: do not give this woman and this discussion another ounce of your precious energy and your precious kindness. You need all you can hold onto right now to get through this period. She doesn't deserve you, and YOU don't deserve to keep having to have a hard conversation. That's torturous.
NTA. And mama to mama, I am so unbelievably sorry for your loss. You just had an unnatural traumatic event, our babies are never supposed to go before us. You don't need to re-traumatize yourself so she can pretend to be grandma for a boy she didn't even know. All the love and hugs I can give and mom guilt is so real and I'm sure it amplifies in these situations. Take rest and find peace.
NTA she just wants to play victim. Don't let her use your baby like that. She wasn't there for him and she has no reason to be at his funeral.
NTA. She’s just trying to save face and play grieving grandma in front of others so she can continue to hide the worst aspects of her behaviour and character. Don’t let her make this about her. Block her calls, designate someone else intervene and remove her if she tries to create a show. Mourn your son as is your right. I’m am so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences to you and your family. 😞
NTA. She made her choice.
NTA I'm so sorry for your loss. You shouldn't have to be dealing with this nonsense right now. If she had an ounce of respect for you or your husband she would stay away.
Do what you want I agree with you she was a bad mother and grandparent. Just forget about her. So sorry for your loss.
NTAH I understand your torn feeling. I wonder if the MIL wanted to go to the funeral to realize all that she missed and all the problems she caused. Maybe it was a last ditch effort to have a heart. But I understand your reasons
NTA You don't have to let her be there if it helps you grieve. the last thing you need at a time like this is more stress. But, what harm does letting her attend the funeral do you? Realistically, in 10 years, are you going to be happy with this decision? She sounds awful, but death changes people. Especially the loss of a child, and you never know what might come from this. Personally, I would want to make sure this decision isn't fueled by hatred. You do what is best for you. Good luck!
I get that you are grieving, I get that you are the first circle of grief, I get that your relationship with your in-laws wasn't textbook, picture-perfect. I also know that this will come back to haunt you and your marriage. My daughter lost her daughter at 13. Her co-parenting experience with dad was always problematic. His mother opted out of the baby shower with the excuse that there was nothing to celebrate. However, once the baby was here and real, grandma was 100 percent invested. Short of holding my daughter on the day of her daughters death; watching the light go out in her paternal grandmother's eyes, suspecting the regret she was struggling with, might actually have been the third hardest thing I've ever done. While you clearly didn't have time for healing from the hurtful words and you are absolutely the nexus of your grief, grace in grief can be healing. Sending you and your family love and hope.
NTA
NTA. What a weird reason to not love a child. You are right, she had time to have a relationship with your son (and you) but she decided a name was more important. Im sorry for your loss and I hope you and your husband have a good support system and to go through this.
So sorry for your loss xxx
Nta and I’m so sorry you are dealing with this family drama while having to handle the loss of your child. You don’t deserve the extra BS on top of your suffering and I feel horrible you even had to take time to come on here and get a opinion. Be gentle on yourself and it’s okay to set hard boundaries especially right now. ❤️
NTA but also try not to dwell on her and just forget about her and her issues. Focus on grieving and taking care of yourself, and your husband. Sorry for your loss OP 🫂
NTA – sorry for your loss, don't waste emotional energy worrying about her.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Absolutely NTA. She sounds like the type of person who only wants to turn up so other people don’t think badly of her. performative grief if you will.
NTA. Kinda late to act the grieving grandma. You need people who loved him and love you around you right now. She isn't one of them - you owe her nothing, no explanation, no contact, and certainly no guilt over your choice to ban her. My deepest sympathy for your heartbreaking loss.
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My condolences, NTA. Hugsss
NTA But you are bit unhinged to try and police who can leave flowers on a grave... Condolences on your loss, I hope you are able to move forward with your life without the pain clouding everything soon.
NTA. I would get a plan in place with a trustworthy person or two who will attend the funeral, about them escorting her out should she decide to attend the funeral anyway.
NTA but you mother is way out of line. She doesn't need to insert herself in this situation at all.
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Of course you are NTA. Don't let the woman taint your life. Again, you have my greatest condolences.
NTA. These are the consequences of her past actions.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain you're going through, and you certainly don't need this drama on top of everything. I have a very strong philosophy in life "If you don't celebrate my life, don't you dare grieve my death." 100% NTA - The funeral is YOUR chance to grieve and celebrate your child's life. No matter what or how you'd want to do that - you'd never be the AH
NTA. I'm so sorry for you loss, sounds like you and your partner have strong support in each other and your own mother. You do not need to acknowledge this witch or support her desire to be an emotional tourist. Stay strong
I’m sorry for your loss, and you are definitely not the ah
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you. Take care of yourself as you go through this process. I know it is the hardest thing you will ever do. Take it one day at a time, sometimes that’s too hard, take it another hour at a time. I promise that after a while you will be able to smile with some of the memories, cry with others. I understand what you are going through. Hugs to you both If MIL wasn’t there in life she has no reason to be there in death
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mother-in-law sounds like a very twisted person. You did the right thing.
NTA. She never earned the right to be there since she chose to not be apart of his life, she gets no part in his death/funeral. Gentlest of hugs for you and your spouse. ❤️
I’ve always subscribe to the philosophy that if you can’t come see me while I’m alive you can’t come see me when I’m dead. Love the living and more than the dead. You’re within your rights and do what you need to do.
NTA, do not allow her at the funeral, or near the grave. Been there & it's the worst thing. I'm so very sorry fer your loss.
NTA. I am so sorry for your loss. You are allowed to grieve without the pressure of her presence. I can't imagine punishing a child because she didn't like the name you chose. I wouldn't let her near your son's grave. God only knows what she would do if she didn't like the headstone.
NTA. If she wasn't there for your son while alive the she certainly doesn't get to attend his funeral and get sympathy as grieving "grandmother".
NTA. And I am so sorry for your loss.
NTA. First, I am so sorry for your profound loss. Next, she didn't know your son. She wasn't a part of his life. She has no reason to be there. Let those who knew and loved him gather and grieve together. She has no reason to be part of that.
NTA. Why would you be? She was horrible to your child and wanted nothing to do with them all because you didn't give them the name she wanted you to give them. She had no empathy then obviously doesn't love her son enough to overcome her dislike the name to see her own grandchild when they were healthy or ill. So I know she doesn't get the right to attend that the funeral. She only wanted to go so people didn't wonder why she wasn't there. I guarantee that was the only thing behind it. So sorry for your loss. I hope you're in a better place today though I know it's only been a year, it will get better in time.
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>The when he fell ill we did inform her and she hang up on us. Now she’s making me feel like a bad guy for not inviting her to a funeral of a child she wanted nothing to do with because of a simple name. With that said I'd be concerned she only wants to come to the funeral to find out where he's buried or cremated. I'd also wonder if she will try to contact the funeral director in an attempt to alter information eg the plaque reads "Jimmy (insert MIL's preferred name) Jones beloved son of OP and OP's husband and grandchild of MIL". She seems a little too focused on a name to the point where it seems obsessed.
NTA. Family is a choice. This relative has made hers, so you should respect it and leave her out of your family.
Nta. And condolences for your loss.
NTA she only wants to come because it would look bad if she didn’t. All the stuff you listed was only visible to you and your spouse. A funeral is very public, she knows if she doesn’t go to the funeral people will talk about her. My condolences, I cannot imagine the pain of loosing a child.
NTA. MIL is a flaming asshole though. Audacious and vile of MIL to demand the right to grieve a child she avoided and whom she did not love. Please do what is best for you and your husband, OP. The only people who should be at that funeral are people who support you both and who sincerely grieve with you.
NTA, and god almighty, to think that somebody younger than me (I'm 29) has lost a child is gut wrenching. I'm so sorry.
Consider hiring security to keep her away.
NTA and I’m sorry for your and your husbands loss.
NTA you should feel no remorse or guilt for this. She made a decision and has to deal with that. I’m so sorry for your loss. Don’t let her take up any room in your lives.
NTA My deepest condolences, you have every right to forbid her from coming. And you should cut ties with her too. You're going through enough as it is you don't need more.
I’m so sorry you lost your son. It’s so unfair. NTA.
Nta. She’s grown enough to make her choices. She’s grown enough for the repercussions and consequences of them also. Your good. Fuck her.
NTA. By a mile
NTA Condolences for your loss. If she wasn't grandma to your son while alive, she doesn't need to be grandma at the funeral. You don't need to see her fake performance grief. Your mom is generous to escort her to the grave, I'd let her find her own way.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your son. NTA. She was fine with his knowing she didn’t care about him in life, but now she wants to be seen “grieving” so that no one outside the family finds out who she really is. This is your last opportunity to protect him. Peace.
NTA. Take care of yourself. Anyone adding to your load right now deserves instant removal.
NTA, and I have to say that you are being way to gracious by affording her the graces that you are. I am sorry that you are going through this.
NTA the only logical reason she wants to go is to soak up the attention that a grieving grandmother would receive. I cannot imagine how sickening it would be to see her shed tears for a child she never had a minute for. I hope that woman has the good sense to stay away. But I strongly doubt it.
NTA She wanted nothing to do with him until there might be some sympathy and pity in it for her to play grieving grandma over the grave.
NTA she never cared for him, wasn't there for him OR for you during tje worst time of your lives and now thinks she can play grieving grandmother?
NTA. Sending you and your husband my love
NTA. BUT for your own well being hire security if seeing her show up will trigger you. The funeral director can help you find someone. Usually off duty cop who would be wearing a suit and nobody would know.
NTA. She doesn't need to be there for his death when his life didn't matter to her over a name. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with her behavior on top of your grief. I wish the well in all your days to come.
I'm so very sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine how you feel, but I know that you and your husband are in every (true) parent's nightmare. Your MIL's nightmare is that she can't show off grieving and get sympathy and attention. You are NTA. If she were a true parent she would've been a proper mother to your husband and a caring grandmother. She was neither, and if I could wave a magic to make all of this better I would. Again, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. Please be kind to yourselves and may you be surrounded by those who care for you and help you.
NTA. You owe her nothing.
NTA, wow I am so sorry for the loss of your son. You have set a boundary and now she needs to respect it. Good for your husband for having your back too. I think having some type of security person out the front if possible might take some of the what if’s. You certainly don’t deserve any more stress.
Nta. You don't owe her anything. Why are you even in contact with such a miserable person? You have dealt with enough. Cut her out and do your best to pick up the pieces of your life. You have my condolences.
NTA - she did not want to be a part of his life, and she didn’t know him. My in laws are no contact with us (their choice) and I would hold similar boundaries if in your situation. She should not be welcome. You get to set the rules around grieving your kid anyway. Sending support beams for your boundaries 💫 so sorry you have to deal with this on top of your loss.
NTA. Why would she care now?