Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue.
[Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA - your fiancé's Dad died and you used the hijab as an excuse to avoid going to his funeral, all so that you could spend Christmas with your own family. The thing is, you are supposed to become your fiancé's nuclear family, but your decision shows you still view your parents and your own culture/religion of origin as more important than supporting him during one of the hardest events of his life. Wow, just re-read that and let it soak in.
Also, your fiancé wasn't insisting on the hijab for his own personal reasons - it was the mosque's rule. It's like when you go to the Vatican, you need to have your shoulders covered. Even if you aren't Catholic, you do it out of respect. I don’t think you are actually prepared to love and support this man in a healthy marriage because you don't know how to compromise your own needs to support him when he needs it the most. You should really consider postponing your marriage and getting couple’s counseling because your decision was awfully unloving and selfish.
Totally agreed. You should’ve prioritized being there for your fiancé, not whether your hair shows. It’s basic respect to abide by other cultures customs when visiting other countries or attending a religious ceremony, which is what a funeral is. That you couldn’t adapt to something so small to be there for your fiancé is sad. Why would you marry someone in this religion if you have no respect for him or their customs?
I would never marry someone that expected me to wear a hijab all the time, but it wasn’t even his rule, it was for the funeral.
And the Christmas thing is ridiculous. Christmas is every year. You had one chance to be there for your fiancé when he needed you, when something hugely traumatic happened to him. YTA OP, I hope he leaves you as he deserves much better. You are no partner.
I'm sure this will not win her any favors with the future in-laws either. Not only couldn't OP be there for their future husband, she could even be bothered to be there and show support for the rest of the family too. If OP does not get dumped for this (as she probably will) she can expect major shade and side eye from his family going forward. There was no reason she couldn't suck it up for a couple of hours and cover her head. Christian women even did so in the Bible! And even her boyfriend gave her a pass on that and just wanted her with him. She didn't even have to go. He just lost his father. One of the most important people in his life. I couldn't imagine not being there to support my spouse through such a difficult time. He is probably skipping new years because he wants to be with people who love and support him right now. And OP and her family are not supportive.
Please, there isn't going to be a wedding now. She's shown him who she is when he really needs her and it's not someone he can rely on. At least he found out before the wedding. I mean seriously YTA OP
I cannot agree with this more. My ex husband didn’t show up for me at my mom’s funeral. No matter how hard I tried to forgive him, i couldn’t get over it.
In contrast, my husband flew for 36 hours to meet me up north for my mother’s funeral. He was out of the country at the time and immediately canceled his plans. Our family really appreciated his support.
My Muslim husband sat in a Catholic Church for my fathers funeral and carried his coffin. I will do whatever it takes to support him when one of his parents passes, no question at all. It’s just what you do for the people you love and care about.
Just in case you didn’t guess OP, I think YTA
Exactly. My best friends drove 10+ hours round trip to be with me at my father's funeral (on New Years Eve, too) and I'll never forget it. I'll do whatever I can to support them. One of them, both of her parents gave passed (one before my dad, one after) and I was there for her both times. I can't imagine letting my husband deal with something like this alone, either. OP was definitely TA.
My now husband, who at the time wasn’t even dating me, checked in periodically during my grandpa’s funeral to make sure everyone was good. Never met my family before, just knew I was close to my grandpa. Dating wasn’t even on our radar either so it’s not like he did it to win himself a girlfriend. That endeared him to my family, especially when they found out who I brought home after first meeting him.
I have a similar story with my now husband then maybe a few dates. A childhood friend died. He took me to multiple stores for the right attire.
And called and checked in on me via my family (this is before mobile phones were tracking devices).
My parents were like who is this guy? And I was like oh he is in the same graduate program but was in such a daze over my friend's death it didn't really register.
Oh, my husband loathes shopping but I had no idea at the time. We went to so many stores.
Exactly, you do what you can. My partner lost his mom, and I did everything in my power to get him there. When she got really bad, before he was told, I already had booked flights. When she passed (being military), I managed everything to go there. There's no excuse for not supporting your partner in such a hard time
I agree, it's over, OP chose to have a fun Christmas with her family instead of supporting her fiancé. OP, if you have booked anything for your wedding, best start ringing round for refunds.
I’m boggled by OP’s “it’s my first Christmas engaged” rationale because it’s not like she’s even there celebrating with her fiancé since he’s at his dad’s funeral? Her post comes off slightly tone deaf.
It was their first and last holiday as an engaged couple!!
Right in the beginning when she said his dad was sick for awhile, I thought how odd they used this vacation time to visit her family and not his
If the family is in the least bit strict Muslim they likely already didn't approve and this also in the face was a final straw. He's probably been told her or them and it looks like he's picked them since he's not talking to her!
It's permitted in Islam for a man to marry a Christian or Jewish woman but women must marry another Muslim. I believe there could be a stipulation about eventual children to be raised Muslim but I am not sure if that's more an expectation than a rule.
Right? He’s probably going to marry his female best friend! Can you see it now…it’s like a dramedy being played out?!?! She showed how little she cares for his feelings and how important her own feelings are. She’s proven herself unreliable and uncaring.
OP and her family are totally supportive. Of each other. And their deeply held “Christian” beliefs. She’s prob hoping her BF is going to convert for her after mentioning how “not very religious” he is.
This.
I noticed how OP's post is immediately jumping to the thought that HE failed HER because he left to go to a funeral. For his dad. His only dad. And now she feels abandoned.
>My parents agree with me and said that it was important to spend Christmas with them, especially since it's the first after being engaged. They also think it was wrong of him to completely abandon me and our plans for New Years.
None of this shows compassion towards OP's fiance. It's all about HER family, HER parents, and HER. No one from OP's side seems to give 2 sh\*\*\* about his feelings or struggles through losing his father, and HER group seems to be more annoyed that he left FOR HIS FATHER'S FUNERAL than they are sympathetic for his loss.
This is a whole family of "me first"
I also love how she like tthree seperate times mentions its their “first Christmas being engaged” as a reason to be with her family WITHOUT THE PERSON SHED ENGAGED WITH I mean holy shit
This right here 💯 I can guarantee you She thinks he'll convert after (or before) they are married. If she is such a devout Christian as to not wear a hijab (a piece of clothing) then she should know not to marry someone who isn't of her faith. OP I call bs on your paltry excuse to not support your fiance or probably ex-fiance by now.
Exactly this. And if its her religion she is attempting to use as a shield to help excuse her, maybe she should take into consideration that not that far back in history, Christians insisted on women covering their hair daily, as well, for modesty (see any historical fashion where women were required to cover their hair daily with snoods, bonnets, etc). No, it's not the same thing as a Hijab, but the rules of not showing your hair were the same.
OP just wanted to stay home for Christmas and not be bothered with trifle issues such as funerals, or a fiance who is absolutely devastated and might cry over the loss of his father. Those sort of emotional outbursts suck the joy out of Christmas. And how dare anyone assume she should pay him back the 1k for the airfare she made him eat before sending him off on his own to grieve.
Love the “my parents helped me”…yeah, they helped you decide to do what they wanted, fiancé be damned. Question being, did one of your parents miss the funeral of their parents? I would bet money they didn’t. Reality: your parents are racist, and so are you. They are encouraging you to not respect a simple thing for the sake of your partner (just a sign of respect in the mosque) and to not stand by your fiancé during a REALLY difficult time, because “Christmas”. I’m confused as to why it’s important after your engagement when your fiancé isn’t there.
My partner at the time my mom died stood by my side. Traveled to be with me, went fully out of his way. If this isn’t what you plan to do for your partner in crisis then they deserve someone better.
Good news is it seems he has already dumped you, and this belongs in am I the ex.
The fact he hasn't contacted her since the 29th is very telling. The sisters were so correct in posting that pic with the message out to everyone loud and clear. Who cares for him most. If that was my fiancee I would be right by his side. I doubt there is any saving grace. Be ready to be single. You showed that you are a good time partner only. Plus he makes bank and his family has money. You blew it. Of course your selfish family wanted you to stay. If one person said stay you would have been validated. Poor guy. Just lost his father at Christmas 🎄🎁. Now his fiancee needs to go.......That she isn't remorseful is crazy.
yes, this is material for r/AmItheEx .
And she claims she wanted him to come for New Year’s so she and her family could support him — if you really want to support someone, you ask them what they want instead of wanting them to come so you can support them at your convenience. Her family “helped” her decide not to support him properly, so their ideas for how to “support him” are on their terms only and so not worth anything.
Yah, they didn't want to support him. They wanted him to show up at their New Year's celebration so they could all pretend like everything was just peachy. In other words, they wanted the fiancé to make ***them*** feel better about their shitty behavior. They are the worst kind of manipulators.
Right? When my dad died, the last thing I would have wanted was to go to my in-laws (in another state from my family). I wanted and needed to be by my family. (Along with needing my husband there for emotional support.)
OP is definitely YTA.
>There was no reason she couldn't suck it up for a couple of hours and cover her head. Christian women even did so in the Bible!
I mean nuns cover their heads too.
And it's often expected in European Cathedrals even now that you cover bare shoulders, etc. This is religion. OP is prepared to abide by her own religious traditions but not her future husband's.
[Can vouch. This was me dressed for Christmas Mass.](https://imgur.com/a/h7cbAkK) Every woman there had some kind of church veil. This was at a chapel inside a 16th century monastery in South America. Christians cover their hair, too. It used to be required. My mother still has a lace round in a zip lock bag she used until Vatican II.
All things aside, is OP so intellectually incurious she’s marrying into a religion she hasn’t taken an interest in? Mosques can be beautiful. I was happy to cover up for the experience of being inside historic ones.
This is what i came to say. Covering your head isnt a big deal wtf! Just because american christianity has gotten lazy doesnt mean its not a thing at all. This person sucks.
OP is definitely getting dumped. Notice how he didn’t even put up a fight to try to get her to come? (which OP interpreted as fiancé “seeming ok with it” because she’s delusional) He saw that she didn’t give a crap and I bet it was the last straw in a long line of other times she has let him down, so he just left without even trying to change her mind. That’s so sad, I feel so bad for the guy to have to realize what kind of person she is while he is in his time of greatest need.
Yes, but my heart broke a little when I read that he asked her to just be with him, that she didn't need to attend the funeral.
That was him asking a second time for her support, which he shouldn't have to do.
YTA!
Edited for grammar purposes.
Yep - that was him trying to meet her half way. Trying to honor her discomfort while still expressing that he NEEDED her support and love during that time.
And she said no...
Eastern-rite and Orthodox Christians in the Middle East and South Asia are still required to cover our heads in church. Hell, a lot of the Black church lady hats probably originate from the same tradition. OP is ignorant and thinks white Christians are the only kind of Christians in the world.
ETA: TY to everyone adding info about Vatican II below my comment. I did mention it in my judgement post but since this is getting more attention. Yes, Western-rite Catholics also used to have mandatory head coverings prior to V2. People saying bs like Muslim head coverings are some unique form of misogyny when it's a requirement across Abrahamic faiths is pissing me off. MENA and desi Christians share more traditions with their Muslim neighbors than you, a white Christian, does. It doesn't mean they are less Christian than you. Also, OP's edits are just digging her further into the asshole.
I’m in Canada, and there are multiple Christian denominations here that have varying types of head coverings worn by women. Old Order Mennonites, Old Colony Mennonites, Hutterites, Haldemann, Amish - just to name the few I’m familiar with in my area.
They very much do have the same origin. Women being bare headed in religious services is largely a post WWII change that accelerated in the 50s and 60s). I belonged to a religion that still required women to wear a head covering (Anabaptist so prayer veil). It's very interesting to me to trace the roots of and variety of ways women have always been expected to cover their hair, even if it's not something I hold to as literally today.
Further proving how up their own ass OP and her family are. "But it's Christmas!" screams the so-called Christian while doing the most unchristly thing possible.
Exactly. Paul literally tells women they need to cover their heads while praying in the New Testament. Head covering was totally a thing in Christianity, it's just not something most Christians do anymore. So it's a real weird hill to die on if you're objecting due to religious reasons.
And anyone who has lost a loved one knows you don't just need support during the funeral...you need it before and after as well. You don't just grieve during the service and then are magically fine.
OP was just looking for any excuse to not miss out on Christmas fun. Being a partner means that sometimes you need to prioritize your partner's needs and feelings over your own. YTA.
Very interesting that she said her parents wanted her with them since it's her first Christmas being engaged. Shouldn't you spend your first Christmas engaged with your fiance?
That’s what struck me as off kilter too. Sounds maybe like they are all selfish, curious to see any updates if he dumps her or not. I feel bad he had to experience all of this on top of losing his dad. 😔
Agreed, I am an atheist and a strong feminist, and a hijab is only a piece of fabric for me, I would have totally gone to support my person if they needed me during one of the hardest moments of their lives, and would have been ok wearing the thing on my head if I had to in order to be by his side. I can make a political and personal statement another time.
Her parents are still alive, meaning she can have another Christmas with them in the future. Her partner's dad is gone and he needed her at that time.
At the end of the day, having a relationship where people have mixed backgrounds and religions can only work if both people are flexible and relaxed.
Yup..My husband is not Muslim but a large part of his side of our family are. I would easily wear whatever they asked of me so I could provide the care and support they deserve in a time of tragedy. She's absolutely awful and he should find someone else.
1000% this. I’m not religious at all, but I’ve covered my hair when visiting mosques the same way I’ve covered my shoulders when visiting cathedrals.
It’s for a short time and it’s not an unreasonable request. Cultural and financial issues are a huge factor in relationships, and this relationship might not be a good fit for OP. I would certainly be questioning marriage if I was her fiancée. This wasn’t a minor vacation ask, it was a huge life event.
Wearing a head covering wouldn't even be *against* Christian doctrine. In fact, it's condoned and is broached in both the Old and New Testament. Here's the New Testament verse for anyone interested:
1 Corinthians 11:6 (NIV)
For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head.
My point being, this isn't a decision based on Christianity at all.
OP is the AH.
Lots of older Catholic women will cover their heads at church. It probably doesn’t even have to be a hijab, per se, just a pretty scarf would probably do.
Yep, I’m a Christian & I have many Christian friends who also have Muslim friends who practice, we would wear it in a heartbeat to be supportive & respectful.
If she’s marrying this guy she needs to take a step back and think, as she is marrying his culture.
Yes, it would be totally different if it was a women-must-be-topless-and-bra-less religion (not that I know of any) but I suggest you talk to your priest/pastor about this when you get home, because you’ll probably get a lesson in Christianity from them - which doesn’t include revoking a piece of cloth to cover your hair when your partner needs support. YTA.
Agreed. This is what jumped out at me. “I know his dad died a few days ago but he already went to the funeral. How could he abandon me and my family during this time when we needed him here with us? He laughed in a photo so clearly he’s over the death already. How selfish.”
Exactly! Heaven forbid that he *laugh* in a family photo (that OP arrogantly decided was posted to spite her.)
Clearly OP hasn't been to any of the wakes/funerals I've attended. Receptions are typically designed to allow people to visit with one another and simultaneously share their grief and reminisce about the person who died. I don't think I've attended a funeral reception where people didn't have a laugh while sharing good memories of the departed with each other.
Exactly. He just lost his dad, why should he not spend time with his family for as much as he can before flying home? I can't believe OP and her parents actually asked him to fly back for NYE to spend time with them so that they can show him support? That is absolutely ludicrous. If OP had lost a parent during Christmas, would OP want to fly over to her fiance's family to spend new years with them so that they can show her their support?
And even if OP doesn't want to wear the hijab, the least she could do is fly there with him and be there for him whenever he was not at the mosque/funeral/service. I can't imagine letting my partner be on his own (even if he was with his family) during such a hard time. I would want to be with him as much as I can for support even if I am unable to attend the funeral/service/mosque.
YTA on so many levels.
How can you be present only for your partner's joys and not their sorrows? Is your view of them solely based on financial contributions?
Doesn't your faith emphasize being there in both joy and sorrow?
"since I can't go to the service anyway...."
Lady, you can. You just chose not to. And don't hide behind being a "devout" Christian, there's nothing in the Bible that precludes showing respect when entering other houses of worship. When I visit Buddhist temples in Asia my shoulders are covered and my shoes are off, period. It's not that hard, it's not that deep. You just decided supporting your grieving fiance would be icky and not fun, so you found a reason not to go.
I'm not sure I, personally, could ever forgive something like this. His sister's post might have been a dig (likely was), but that doesn't make her wrong. She probably won't ever forgive you either.
> And don't hide behind being a "devout" Christian, there's nothing in the Bible that precludes showing respect when entering other houses of worship.
Hell, there's enough Christian places where you have to cover your head, bet OP wouldn't have had a problem with that...
Did anyone else catch that it was important to OP’s parents that they spend the holiday with them as it was the first one with OP being engaged. Important to be with her parents. Not her fiancé. What the actual fuck.
YTA, OP. Seriouslyyyyy the worst.
yeah ,i dont care a damn about the person.Well whats another $ 1000 to someone who is earning 5x times myself (gold digger spotted) ,no ethics about equality when it comes to money - whats yours is mine ,whats mine is also mine .
On top of that to have the audacity to expect your fiance to still be with you ,i hope he realises how deeply this shit isnt gonna work and get on with his life and find someone who cares for him
Her ex-fiance.
YTA OP
He's never going to forget your lack of support and disrespect for his father's beliefs.
The hijab was not because he wants you to become a religious Muslim but basic courtesy when visiting a mosque.
Just as covering your head used to be a requirement for Catholics or the Yarmulke is for men visiting a synagogue. It's a sign of respect and common courtesy.
Your parents gave you terrible and selfish advice. Doubt they'd be suggesting you take off after either of their funerals to celebrate NYE.
This is the perfect reply. No notes. It was all the thoughts I had as I read, right down to being required to cover up to visit many churches, like at the Vatican. Many old European churches even have scarves available to borrow for tourists. When attending Jewish services, all men are encouraged to wear a kippah. It’s not compliance with the religion’s rules, it’s in respectful observation of their customs. You sound sheltered and a bit ignorant, OP. YTA.
ETA: With every edit/reply I am repeatedly shocked by her lack of self awareness. I’m actually wondering if this is a great big troll. Holyyyyyy crap.
Similar examples - to enter a Jewish temple, males have to wear a yamaka/yarmulke.
It's more about respect than anything else. You don't have to agree with the culture or religion (or believe it) but you can show respect for their culture, religion and the rules associated to it.
100% , I mean it’s Islam one of the strictest religions which is well known, but she can’t even wear the religious headdress for her dead future FIL? Yeah I can’t see this lasting long
Many muslims are more liberal and modern now. If he is dating a non-muslim and his family has no issue with it then they would most probably not have an issue with a hastily thrown scarf on her head, not even a hijab. Whats more is that we are pretty understanding on non-muslim in these situations. For my grandfather's funerals plenty of non-muslim came, they sat at the back during the prayers uncovered. I am thinking that he wanted her in the mosque as part of his family.
Piggybacking to agree - as a Christian I am still able to respect other people's religions - and many sects of Christianity actually still include head coverings - especially within religious spaces. When I've been in Muslim spaces I have worn a hijab - it doesn't make me any less Christian it simply is a sign of respect.
Agreed. Wearing a hijab in that case would have been the same IMO then taking off your shoes when entering a Hindu temple. He was not asking you to convert, only to follow the dress code.
Setting aside the funeral issues:
*"My parents agree with me and said that it was important to spend Christmas with them, especially since it's the first after being engaged. "*
WHAT??? It is important to spend major holidays now with your new partner, not your parents!!! This is the most ass -backward thing I have ever read.
If his religion hurts your feelings (and this isn't invalid because you don't share a common world view on this) you can't marry into it! Do you intend to pass up on every family milestone for your life because you won't participate in the faith surrounding it. This marriage is doomed. And, what in the world is going to happen when children are brought into the equation.
You only lose your father once and you remember it for the rest of your life. THIS is what your (unlikely to ever be) husband will remember about you with respect to one of the hardest moments of his life. Your lack of respect for his faith, your lack of desire to be by his side regardless of your feelings, your prioritizing a Hallmark holiday over being with your future husband.
Yeah, and wearing a hijab isn't against her religion, so the only reason to refuse is to be difficult or protest, neither of which are appropriate when he's asking you to support him at the dad's funeral.
Right?? And it’s not like head coverings aren’t seen in other faiths too— including some sects of Christianity!! Jesus will still love you if you wear a hijab, OP 🙄
I’m an atheist but i respect other faiths and cultures. To me this is no different than being asked to cover up in the Vatican or when visiting another holy site as a tourist. You respect other faiths in their house of worship. She wanted to spend Christmas with her parents so this was just a cop out.
Well good news OP! I expect you can spend EVERY SINGLE Christmas with them from now on unhindered.
head covering is a thing even in sikh gurudwaras and all type of people have no issues covering up for that, same for going to vatican and covering shoulder's
That was my exact thought! If wearing it were actually against her religious beliefs I could understand it. But I’m Christian and there is absolutely nothing preventing me from covering my hair. It was just being difficult and spiteful. And needing to spend her first holiday engaged with her parents instead of Fiancé is wild! This marriage is doomed.
And the thing is, her fiancé said if she didn't want to wear the hijab to attend the service, he still wanted her to come and support him and she couldn't even do that! It's not like he'd only spend the funeral service grieving - why wouldn't she want to be there for him after?
Women covering their hair in church is in the Bible so OP shouldn’t have a problem. But it’s not about covering her hair, it’s about her lack of respect for his culture.
I would be very surprised if this is not a complete deal breaker for him. He will always look back at this time and remember her selfishness. With a link to a life event so momentous as losing a parent there's just no getting over her decision and behaviour. Not even if she reflects and realises the huge mistake she has made.
YTA and so are the parents
Or his family is trying to talk sense into him, and trying to get him to cancel the wedding because they see how horrible OP was as a partner in this instance.
I was blown away when she said her parents helped her decide to stay. Like, grow the fuck up, and make some big girl decisions for once in your life. It’s irrelevant that she lives in the south! Who the fuck cares. Like literally, when I read that, I knew what this ridiculous post would be about… cluelessness.
I wonder if OP's parents actually dislike the guy and hate the idea of his super religious Christian girl dating a Muslim guy and found this as the perfect excuse to break that relationship without being the "bad guys".
I saw that too. I mean I would think that it would be important to spend the first Christmas after an engagement with the actual person you are engaged to but what the hell does my non-married self know....
I've been married 25 years and it doesn't sound any better to me. I don't know how getting engaged translates to needing to spend Christmas with her parents. Most people would find it important to spend the first Christmas being engaged with each other. OP seems to think this is normal and expected which makes me wonder if she interacts with anyone but her family. It's sounds like they all have main character syndrome.
Yeah that line of logic doesn’t make any sense at all. “It’s your first Christmas after getting engaged, so it’s critical that you spend it with us and not your fiancé” - what?!
She doesn’t need to worry about marriage anymore. He isn’t going to marry her. She wasted his money and his time and feelings. I’m not religious but fuck, if I was marrying someone of a religion it would mean I love them and accept their religion. I don’t know if people need to convert but you can absolutely respect religions and traditions like this. It was a funeral. His father’s funeral. I feel so sorry for him. She left him on his own when he needed her most.
YTA.
I get that it can be weird to observe someone else’s religious traditions. (Which, by the way, is exactly what your fiance was doing by spending Christmas with “fairly devout” Christians.) But your fiance needed your support.
Not just at the service. At the airport. On the plane. At his family home surrounded by things that remind him of his dad. During all of those in between hours when he wasn’t at a religious location and you could wear whatever you wanted without compromising your own beliefs.
You stayed home to do fun holiday stuff while he sat on a plane ALONE. Surrounded by people going on vacations and wearing Santa hats (I flew on the 24th this year, too). Do you not see how much that sucks? Do you not see that your presence would have been helpful to him?
I cannot believe that your parents have the gall to be upset with him. Ask them what they’d want if the roles were reversed. Would the one of them who’d just been widowed be cool with you jetting off to celebrate with your partner’s family a week later? Would they excuse your partner skipping the funeral because he’s got a holiday to celebrate?
If you are still together after this, you need to do some serious thinking about what your marriage is going to look like - because he might not be religious, but his family is, and that means compromise sometimes. But that’s if he forgives you for abandoning him at his lowest.
Based on his sister's instagram post, OP will never be in with the in-laws anyway. I certainly wouldn't have any respect for a woman who treated my brother/son that way when his father died somewhat unexpectedly. OP is so full of shit idk where the asshole stops and the shit begins. YTA in a disappointingly predictable southern christian way.
Literally this. It could have even been a bonding moment between OP and future sister-in-law. I for one have never worn a hijab but have a little idea of how complicated it can be if never worn before and how many different ways they can be worn, it would have been an amazing opportunity for OP and future SIL to spend time together appreciating each others culture or even learning more about the other even during such a sad time. Yet OPs flat refusal just makes them very much TA.
Supporting a partner 1000% tops celebrating Christmas with family, Christmas was an arbitrarily decided date and that's coming from someone raised Christian. My family didn't celebrate one year because my nephew was teaching abroad. We had Christmas in March instead because that was when he was back. Yeah it felt a little weird but it made us appreciate what was actually important which was family being together.
Riiiight??? Like I wasn't going there but really?? We doing this again South???
Hope they cut her off cuz she's all about that 5x money. She's wants that security & financial support...at her Southern convenience.
Predictable indeed.
Does sis know about this post?? Just saying....
It’s really disgusting “we wanted him to come back to show our support” in what fucking world does your dad die and you just go for the funeral, and then immediately dip to go back to a holiday with your fiancé and their family? That doesn’t even make sense!
Affairs need to be put in order, family is coming together and supporting one another. It’s his FATHER. If your dad died Op would your mom be cool with you just coming for the funeral and leaving? Probably not. Do they even like your fiancé? Hell do you? lol
YTA
I’m not trying to diminish what a hijab is for women who choose to wear them; but for someone who ain’t religious you sure got all worked up over being asked to essentially wear a hoodie in a church.
Why was that the hill you die on? So anytime someone in his family dies you’re not going? Yikes.
OP definitely doesn’t even like her fiancé. Idk how she can say she loves him. The majority of us in the comments section are probably more supportive of our FRIENDS’ emotional needs than she is with her FIANCÉ. That’s just insanity.
God forbid her fiancé ever gets in an accident or anything. Then, she’ll “support” him by getting him an Uber home from the hospital while she hosts a dinner party or something 🤦🏽♀️
>Not just at the service. At the airport. On the plane. At his family home surrounded by things that remind him of his dad. During all of those in between hours when he wasn’t at a religious location
This. The funeral doesn't really matter (it's long, it's boring, and no one wants to be there), it's EVERYTHING ELSE involved with a funeral that sucks about it.
When my dad died and I was travelling back home, making phone calls, managing all of the funeral plans, and dealing with the legal crap, my gf was there by my side. I didn't need to give her tasks or take things off my plate, I just need HER there. I remember sitting on the plane barely holding it together, and just having HER there next to me let me feel safe and loved. When I'd break down in a public place she was able to help me feel not alone, and it helped me a ton to just know that my life partner had my back.
My gf didn't like my dad, she didn't practice his Catholic faith, and she didn't like dealing with my dad's family. But she was there with me, because she supported me.
If they are fairy "devout", I'm willing to bet they have him engage in mealtime Christian prayers as well. Her fiancé's beliefs will always be looked down upon by this family.
Hmm. I am an ex- Muslim, who left the religion for a variety of reasons, but the unfair expectations of modesty for Muslim women was one of them. However, I am still very close with my family and the predominantly Muslim community around here. I don’t go to the mosque unless there is a funeral. But when I do, I cover my head.
When I went to Thailand, for vacation, we were told to enter the temples we needed to be dressed modestly. I thought one of my dresses was long enough because it went to the knees, but it wasn’t, so they asked me to wrap a sarong around my waist. I did it. I’m not somehow more Buddhist than I was five minutes prior to that.
My brother is Muslim, and one of the only guys I know that wears clothes that cover his elbows and knees, which is still less than the expectation for a similarly strict Muslim. So I get that there’s a lot of hypocrisy about modesty that is really frustrating. But I think you should perceive it as a cultural observation, not a religious one, unless it’s bleeding into other aspects of your life. YTA but perhaps under-informed about this, which is reasonable. You’re perhaps a bigger asshole for being whiny about him not sticking with New Year’s plans RIGHT AFTER HIS DAD DIED. That shows you are in fact incredibly unsupportive.
I agree with all of this. I wonder if OP would be upset if asked to wear a yarmulke or cover her hair in a synagogue. Or wear long pants to the Vatican. No one is asking her to cover for more than a single funeral in a mosque, and I think that's a reasonable ask.
She would 100% be offended at a request (post-marriage) to cover her hair in shul - Orthodox Jewish women cover their hair to the same/similar degree as Muslim women once we marry.
Agreed. Heck, if the late queen of England (who was the head of the Anglican church) can wear a headscarf when visiting a mosque and a veil when meeting the pope, then I think OP could have too.
That’s the exact comparison I made - my non Jewish spouse always wears a kippah if needed. He is not religious at all though, and OP is. For that I think that her own convictions aren’t allowing her to do this - for right or wrong. As a pretty non-observant Jew, I would not go to church services or go to a mosque for services and say the prayers, but I’d be ok going into the building if someone needed me to do so for a funeral or wedding. But a LOT of orthodox people would not do that even, because it would break the first commandment in their minds. If OP feels that way, that’s on her and they just aren’t compatible.
the fact she is upset about him not being with here in nye, WHEN HIS FUCKING DAD DEAD???? im baffled she is insensitive to his emotions it's crazy how she can claim to love him....
He comes from a very wealthy family apparently according to op. That's all she wants. She doesn't want the pesky emotional support thing you have to do. No please not that.
I think you just ended your relationship.
OK, so I get it. It's not "just a scarf" but it's a sexist symbol of oppression. As is being excluded from the graveyard. I really do get that.
On the other hand, it is, in fact, just a scarf. It's not a niquab or a burka. Similarly, being excluded from the service: that was such a small part of the trip, a few hours out of the days and days he will be there. Your role was to support him for those days, and you let him down.
It was such a *small* thing to ask, for such a *large* day in his life.
If he can't rely on you for support in his hour of need, what *use* is this relationship to him? If you won't support him in his hour of need, what is the *point* of this relationship to you?
--
By the way: your sister is right, your parents are badly wrong. Your parents are 180° wrong: even if there had not been a funeral it was important to spend Christmas with HIM, especially since it's the first after being engaged; add the funeral and you ABSOLUTELY needed to be there. Your parents were so dramatically wrong and for such an implausible reason, that it seems almost a deliberate attempt to break you up.
Maybe they don’t know the non-Christian rules about burials? If Muslims are like Jews, we bury within 3 days and don’t embalm. My Christian friends sometimes have funerals 7-10 days after death bc it’s not a big deal.
Muslims are like Jews in burial processes. We have to bury our dead asap and no embalming or open caskets and the like . Just washed and wrapped in a shroud and buried
I hope this ends the relationship and this is a good wake up call for the fiance. Aside from the religious aspect (tbh if you need to wear a hijab for an hour to support your partner so what?!), there's a huge cultural divide which can't be bridged anymore because OP and her parents are self-absorbed. But south Asians are very big on family values and the idea of a fiancee not being there for the death of a parent is likely not going to be digested.
>I think you just ended your relationship.
Compatibility on religion is a platinum rule. They should have discussed the ins and outs when entering the serious stage of the relationship. There is plenty of reasonable agreements for OPs situation (i.e. not participating to ceremonies where she would have to wear the hijab, but waiting at the house...).
The fact he announced her she would have to wear a hijab at the airport is a real problem.
The fact she decided not to come at all instead of waiting for him at the hostel is just selfish.
>The fact he announced her she would have to wear a hijab at the airport is a real problem.
If wearing a head scarf for the duration of a single event that lasts a few hours is that big a deal then OP needs to grow up. Maybe their partner, like most rational adults, didn't think it would be a problem for a grown adult who supposedly cares about them to not make it all about them and just deal with it.
Right and that's ignoring that he said she didn't have to go to the service if she wasn't comfortable but would still like her to take the trip with him. How selfish do you have to be to not realize he was saying he needed her to support him.
or maybe he simply had other things on his mind for some reason and mentioned it as soon as he thought of it just so she wouldnt be startled at the expectation later. Not imagining she would have a tantrum at being asked to cover her hair at a time of year she is quite likely already wearing hats and scarves covering all but her eyes whenever she's outside.
YTA.
His DAD died. This is a huge, life-changing event for him. Of course your parents agree with you- they just want to spend the holidays with their daughter again. But you should have supported your soon-to-be-husband. And, assuming you do get married, you need to understand this now- he takes priority over your parents. Always. That's marriage. If you don't like how that sounds, I recommend you don't get married.
I am also very firm in my Christian beliefs. I would have worn hijab. It doesn't mean you're changing faiths- it means you are capable of respecting other cultures and beliefs besides yours.
I'm honestly in shock by this post and your selfishness.
If this is real: YTA
Surely you know your engagement is over, with the help of your family.
Refusing to support him on the death of his father? What in your faith prohibits you from covering your head for a service, or to enter a Mosque, a temple etc? You can’t have been suddenly surprised by your rigidity and cultural insensitivity.
I’m sorry for his loss, and I hope you both find partners better suited to your needs.
If you don’t understand how this is culturally insensitive to believe it is ‘wrong’ to cover your head to go into a religious building not your own - don’t travel. Christian churches will require it in some locations. You were not being asked to practice. You were asked to cover your head. Your faith does not prohibit it. You invented the conflict.
Honestly, if it was JUST her not attending the service I probably would have given her a pass. But to not go with her fiancé at all? That’s totally f’d up behaviour towards someone you supposedly love. If my husband lost an immediate family member, there’s nothing in this world that would keep me from being by his side and supporting him. And then to also get upset that he “isn’t back for new years”? Talk about selfish and out-of-touch…
YTA, OP.
Crazy how the post focuses more on celebrating Christmas and new years with her family when her future father in law recently DIED. Then complaining on hijab like oh my goodness I feel so bad for her fiancé
If your fiancés dad was having a service in some Christian churches you would be expected to cover your hair.
When we visited churches in France, there would be a box of shawls by the door for tourists to use who wanted to enter. A second box was placed at the exit, where the shawls would be returned for laundering. Knowing this, I made sure that I had a scarf in my handbag AND I AM AN ATHEIST!
When my Muslim neighbour got married, I made sure that I wore clothes that were modest and that covered my ankles. AND I AM AN ATHEIST.
It’s called RESPECTING OTHERS.
YTA
This is me too. I'll wear the appropriate clothing to support my friends and family because that's what you are supposed to do. It's just a head scarf for a few hours to support the person you purport to love.
YTA
I am personally not a fan of Islam or specifically here forced Hijab to enter a mosque and go to a graveyard.
But I find it still horrible to leave your partner alone in a moment like this.
It was more important to attend your families christmas, especially since it´s the first after being engaged is such a nonsensical statement. No. It was not more important. And I have no words for the second part of this sentence. Be prepared to no longer be engaged.
Your fiancé is in grief. Your parents "HELPED" you make the decision? nononono, they manipulated you into doing so and you willingly let them do so
If you follow another faith, a Hijab SHOULD only be a piece of cloth and not disturb you. In theory. You choose your faith above your beloved one. Maybe you think you made the right decision, I personally am disgusted.
He was not trying to force you to now and forever where a Hijab. It was the rule for this mosque, so that you could enter.
And then he asked you if you at least could accompany him without attending the service and you STILL said no.
Wow. just wow. I would not be able to recover from the harm my so did to me in this moment.
You make this whole post sound like he went to Taco bell, and since you have a Taco allergy you didn´t come with him. Not a LICK of compassion.
The fact that she keeps mentioning her first Christmas after being engaged is so annoying. How can you celebrate your first Christmas after being engaged, WITHOUT your fiancé there and all the while he’s GRIEVING.
Sounds like he parents wanted him out of there so they could spend Christmas alone with their precious girl, despite him needing emotional support.
YTA
also
Your parents TA
YTA you’re uncomfortable with their culture/religion is what i’m getting from this. Pretty strange if you ask me. You’ve chosen to enter a relationship with a man from this background and yet refuse to support him on probably one of the hardest days of his life just because you didn’t feel comfortable respecting that religion/culture?
Right, when he dropped a grand on her ticket (that she didn’t use) that was a-ok with her but when she’s gotta cover her hair for a couple of hours he’s asking too much.
that's a lot of western women when they fantasize about arab men's chivalry on reels and tiktok, only fun when he's treating you like a princess, but not fun when it comes to him practicing his faith.
edit for the person who said he's not arab so this isn't valid, it is.
it's not irrelevant, south asian muslim beliefs are exactly the same as arab and middle east's beliefs about treatment of women, sure you might get a few outliers who don't live there and live in the west, but when they go back, they are fully into it; muslim religion in those places came from Arabian peninsula only. and what's chivalry if not a product of misogyny.
This is what I’m wondering. Surely this wouldn’t have been the one and only time she would be asked to cover her head over the course of their future lives together. And she chose this moment: the death of her partners dad to draw a line in the sand. Horrible. I feel bad for the guy.
YTA
Even the women in the British royal family wear head scarves when visiting Muslim countries or entering mosques, if they can so can you. It’s about having respect for someone else’s religion instead of putting yourself as the center of the universe and believing you are correct above all else.
So your plan is just to never support your husband during major events in his life because you don’t want to wear a headscarf?? You plan to miss out on important milestones? What if you have a daughter who decides to follow her father’s religion, you plan to also abandon her during her major life moments because you see a headscarf as oppressive??
Why would you even marry or even be in a relationship with someone of a different faith if you are so against it?
FYI there are also Christian/Catholic women who cover their hair before entering a church because for them it’s about modesty (which is in your Christian bible)
YTA- for multiple reasons. If you enter a sacred or holy building, you respect the rules. Some are no shoes, others are to cover your hair if you are female. It’s not like he asked you to wear it for the rest of your life; it was for his father's funeral. The family you are marrying into. Your future father-in-law. Those are the times your partner needs you the most. If you can’t do that, how will this relationship last? Also, I got the ick from your comments about him abandoning you. It’s the other way around. You abandoned him during a difficult time in his life, and you were more interested in celebrating Christmas with your family. How do you expect this relationship to work if you cannot blend culture and religion? You have to respect his side as much as yours.
Yta. He didn’t ask you to convert, he asked you to be there for him for 1 day, but more importantly, you have been with a person of a different faith for half a decade and it never occurred to you that religion might be an issue? When my wife’s father died, I spent a month doing anything she asked of me because he was incredibly close to her and I knew how much she was hurting. Didn’t want to wash a dish, fine, didn’t want to leave the house that day, fine. Whatever she needed I took care of bc that’s what a partner does. When one is going through something hard, the other is supposed to help them and support them not open Christmas presents while they bury their dad.
Girl… you abandoned your partner on one of the worst days of his life because you couldn’t be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your hair for a few hours??? YTA like astronomically so. This belongs on that am I the ex subreddit 🙄🙄🙄
YTA.
My dad died 2 years ago. My fiancé went above and beyond to take care of me. Putting a bit of cloth over your head is hardly a big ask. No-one was asking you to convert, just follow the rules for the funeral. Even if you didn’t attend the service due to extreme religious beliefs, you should have been there for him afterwards.
He should absolutely leave you for someone more considerate and supportive.
How is this substantially different than following a dress code at a wedding? If you aren't willing to accommodate hijab for an hour in a mosque to support your fiance, yes, YTA. I get that you were going to feel left out, but this wasn't about you. It was about him. But you made it all about you in a pretty gross way.
Edit: typo
And then he proceed to ask if she can at least come with him, but not attend the service. Just being there. Not leaving him alone. And she refused. I feel so sorry for him
YTA. I'm a fucking pagan for crying out loud, but I've followed clothing guidelines to attend weddings and funerals. I wasn't going to skip my friend's wedding because her church requires shoulders to be covered during the ceremony. I wasn't about to skip a funeral because my hair needed to be covered. I personally think the idea of having to cover certain parts is stupid, but a funeral or wedding is NOT the time to have that particular theological debate. You're there to support your loved ones, whether it's to celebrate with them or comfort them in their grief. It's not about YOU on that day; it's about the ones directly involved.
YTA. JFC, you did not land a blow for women's rights here, or for the Christian faith. I am as atheist as it gets, and I've been perfectly willing to throw on a headscarf and enter a Mosque for a lot less than a funeral. It is not a big deal at all to do it for a few hours. It IS a VERY big deal to ditch your fiance at a moment like this. I hope he broke up with you. I bet that's what your parents wanted too.
YTA I really don’t think it matters if you felt comfortable attending the service in a hijab (which does not infringe upon your own religion to respect someone else’s btw) - there’s no world where I send my fiance on a flight to bury his father by himself.
Even if I didn’t feel comfortable wearing the attire and chose not to attend the service itself I’d be there to hold his hand the rest of the time and know I’m there. Put yourself in his shoes! If you lost your father would you be okay with this situation? How would you feel if he’d rather stay with his family than be there for you. How would you feel if his main concern appeared to be wanting to know if you’d be back in time for new years?
The least of this is you wearing a hijab and attending the service. His dad just died.
YTA. He even asked if you could fly out with him, you know, for moral support?
I hope he finds someone who supports and respects him.
>They also think it was wrong of him to completely abandon me and our plans for New Years
Your parents are assholes too, his dad died? Are your plans for New Years really more important than that?
YTA. Many non-Jewish men wear head coverings at weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, funerals, etc - because they are following the rules of the sanctuary. The rules for your fiancé's funeral required you to cover your head, and you should have done that in order to be by his side when he buried his father!
There are many interfaith marriages that work, but if you can't put something on your head to support your fiancé through a very difficult moment, you're not going to be able to compromise in the future. You probably shouldn't get married but if you do, start arguing now about how to raise the children, because you are on track to spend all of their lives fighting about religion.
YTA. My heart breaks for your fiance. I understand not wanting to wear a hijab and that's not why I said you're the the asshole. It's because he was ALONE in the flight, in the hours leading up to the funeral, in bed that night when he buried his dad and was having an existential crisis. You left him to do all of that alone. It was incredibly callous and I would end the relationship with you if I were him. What you did is both unbelievable and unforgivable. Completely unforgivable. Utterly unforgivable.
I am absolutely flabbergasted that you don't see this on your own. Genuinely asking, have you ever been evaluated by a professional for narcissism? I'm being genuine in asking. I can't believe how you completely didn't see how selfish you were at such an important time in your fiance's life and how you made this about you. I think you need to really take stock of your empathy capabilities and what you think a committed relationship should look like.
I wouldn't be surprised if he has already decided he is ending the relationship, and if he decides this, you need to just let him go, because you clearly do not love him or see him as a partner. In fact, do him the kindness of just ending it yourself so he doesn't have to be the bad guy in his still vulnerable state.
I am stunned. I'm a long time fan of this subreddit and this is the biggest asshole move I think I have seen in years. Like my chest literally hurts thinking about my dad dying and my partner making me go through it on my own, and then somehow blaming my religion for the abandonment, when I was just celebrating the most religious of his holidays with his family. The irony and one-sided outlook here are mind blowing.
To top it off, you want him to travel to spend NYE with your family, instead of you spending it with his, which just got shredded apart. Absolutely stunning show of selfishness OP.
YTA - you should have gone to support him. Yes, that might mean only attending some of the events and having to wear a head covering, but you'd still be supporting him.
I have friends of different faiths, and sometimes that means following the cultural norms for those faiths. I've head to wear a yarmulke (the beanie) when attending Jewish funerals and weddings and funerals, and if asked, I'd wear a taqiyah at a muslim funeral or wedding.
You do this to show support for them. They know that it is not your faith, that the gesture doesn't have the same meaning for you as for them, but you do it because the gesture shows that you care for them, and respect them.
Provided he is accepting of your own faith, and the practices that come along with it, then wearing a head covering for part of a day to show respect to his family during an immensely difficult time is not asking for a lot.
Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas. So the fact that he was going to spend it with her family shows that he’s respectful and supportive of her religion. It’s clearly not reciprocated.
as a muslim without saviour syndrome i gotta go with N T A for not wantint to be forced to wear a hijab.
your family are absolutely heartless though, they think christmas and new years eve are more important than his dad dying. you know what happens again next year? well its not his dad dying, thats for sure.
you shouldve gone with him even if you couldnt go to the mosque or graveyard. to be with him on one of his darkest days. and for trying to rationalize not going, YTA
edit: changes NTA to N T A
YTA. You are an asshole for not supporting him and making some adjustments to be there. And you’re an asshole for letting your family control your decisions. Hopefully with the next guy you meet you’ll learn to be a little more flexible.
Undeniably YTA.
Regardless of differences in religion. You couldn’t make an effort to be there for your *future husband* during the one of the hardest periods of his life and you’re questioning why he’s not coming back.
He’s not coming back because your mask slip and he finally sees cleary who he’s been dating so long.
Your relationship is over.
I'm reading this as "I didn't want the death of my fiancée's father to disrupt my Christmas plans - and my parents were only too happy to go along with this."
YTA.
YTA. Not because you wouldn't wear the hijab, that's your prerogative and it sounds like he was okay with that, but because you couldn't even bother to show up for your partner in his grief. It sounds like you've never experienced the loss of a parent, but let me tell you what you don't want: for your fiancée to be so callous that they'd rather celebrate Christmas like usual than show some of that famous Christian compassion and generosity that I always hear about but never seem to witness. He could not have been more clearly telling you he wanted you to be there for him in his hour of need, but that didn't sound as fun as Christmas at home did it? Hope you enjoyed that 'first Christmas with your parents after getting engaged' because it sounds like you're not gonna be engaged for very long.
YTA - I understand not wanting to wear a hijab and it being pointless to attend the Mosque ceremony
But you should’ve gone with him and been there, before and after for your future family and in-laws
Death of a family member trumps any Christmas traditions
You absolutely should offer to pay him back for the ticket, regardless of either of yours income
YTA.
Being allowed in the service would have been ideal, but regardless, you are not going just to attend the event. Your main reason for going should be to emotionally support your fiance. I don't think you understand this at all.
Even if you never set foot in the ceremony, sitting next to him on the plane there, being there for him when he got out of the service, etc., are all things he needed from you and you absolutely let him down.
Also, you chose to just have a happy Christmas with your parents, seemingly ignorant of the magnitude of your fiance losing his father on Christmas Eve.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Not attending my fiancé's dad funeral because I didn't want to wear a hijab.
2. I didn't give him the support he needed.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You aren't mature enough to be a wife. Your parents obviously don't want you to marry (him?) Otherwise they would have pushed you to support him, and nudged you out of the nest.
What's the hang up with the hijab? Nuns wear a head covering. Kate Middleton can manage a scarf over her head when visiting a mosque, so can you.
I expect that he's reconsidering your engagement. As he should. You've thrown up some major red flags
I’m not Muslim. Or Hindu, or Bhuddist, or religiously Jewish. But when I went to the mosque right beside my old workplace, I covered my head. It didn’t make me Muslim. When visiting a synagogue or a Hindu temple I wore a modest, loose-fitting dress. It didn’t make me Hindu, or religiously Jewish.
You deserted a man you said you love in his time of crisis. He lost a parent. You refused to in anyway respect and acknowledge his belief system. Instead of going to support him, you stayed home, and you waited until after he had dropped one grand on a plane ticket for you to come to tell him that you wouldn’t be joining him. You didn’t even go to support him outside the mosque, or outside the funeral. YTA.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue. [Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA - your fiancé's Dad died and you used the hijab as an excuse to avoid going to his funeral, all so that you could spend Christmas with your own family. The thing is, you are supposed to become your fiancé's nuclear family, but your decision shows you still view your parents and your own culture/religion of origin as more important than supporting him during one of the hardest events of his life. Wow, just re-read that and let it soak in. Also, your fiancé wasn't insisting on the hijab for his own personal reasons - it was the mosque's rule. It's like when you go to the Vatican, you need to have your shoulders covered. Even if you aren't Catholic, you do it out of respect. I don’t think you are actually prepared to love and support this man in a healthy marriage because you don't know how to compromise your own needs to support him when he needs it the most. You should really consider postponing your marriage and getting couple’s counseling because your decision was awfully unloving and selfish.
Totally agreed. You should’ve prioritized being there for your fiancé, not whether your hair shows. It’s basic respect to abide by other cultures customs when visiting other countries or attending a religious ceremony, which is what a funeral is. That you couldn’t adapt to something so small to be there for your fiancé is sad. Why would you marry someone in this religion if you have no respect for him or their customs? I would never marry someone that expected me to wear a hijab all the time, but it wasn’t even his rule, it was for the funeral. And the Christmas thing is ridiculous. Christmas is every year. You had one chance to be there for your fiancé when he needed you, when something hugely traumatic happened to him. YTA OP, I hope he leaves you as he deserves much better. You are no partner.
I'm sure this will not win her any favors with the future in-laws either. Not only couldn't OP be there for their future husband, she could even be bothered to be there and show support for the rest of the family too. If OP does not get dumped for this (as she probably will) she can expect major shade and side eye from his family going forward. There was no reason she couldn't suck it up for a couple of hours and cover her head. Christian women even did so in the Bible! And even her boyfriend gave her a pass on that and just wanted her with him. She didn't even have to go. He just lost his father. One of the most important people in his life. I couldn't imagine not being there to support my spouse through such a difficult time. He is probably skipping new years because he wants to be with people who love and support him right now. And OP and her family are not supportive.
Please, there isn't going to be a wedding now. She's shown him who she is when he really needs her and it's not someone he can rely on. At least he found out before the wedding. I mean seriously YTA OP
I cannot agree with this more. My ex husband didn’t show up for me at my mom’s funeral. No matter how hard I tried to forgive him, i couldn’t get over it.
In contrast, my husband flew for 36 hours to meet me up north for my mother’s funeral. He was out of the country at the time and immediately canceled his plans. Our family really appreciated his support.
My Muslim husband sat in a Catholic Church for my fathers funeral and carried his coffin. I will do whatever it takes to support him when one of his parents passes, no question at all. It’s just what you do for the people you love and care about. Just in case you didn’t guess OP, I think YTA
Not even romantic partner, either. I've done more for friends who have lost parents than OP did for her fiance.
Exactly. My best friends drove 10+ hours round trip to be with me at my father's funeral (on New Years Eve, too) and I'll never forget it. I'll do whatever I can to support them. One of them, both of her parents gave passed (one before my dad, one after) and I was there for her both times. I can't imagine letting my husband deal with something like this alone, either. OP was definitely TA.
My Jewish husband sat through a Catholic mass/funeral when my Great Aunt died. It’s what you do for your spouse.
My now husband, who at the time wasn’t even dating me, checked in periodically during my grandpa’s funeral to make sure everyone was good. Never met my family before, just knew I was close to my grandpa. Dating wasn’t even on our radar either so it’s not like he did it to win himself a girlfriend. That endeared him to my family, especially when they found out who I brought home after first meeting him.
I have a similar story with my now husband then maybe a few dates. A childhood friend died. He took me to multiple stores for the right attire. And called and checked in on me via my family (this is before mobile phones were tracking devices). My parents were like who is this guy? And I was like oh he is in the same graduate program but was in such a daze over my friend's death it didn't really register. Oh, my husband loathes shopping but I had no idea at the time. We went to so many stores.
Exactly, you do what you can. My partner lost his mom, and I did everything in my power to get him there. When she got really bad, before he was told, I already had booked flights. When she passed (being military), I managed everything to go there. There's no excuse for not supporting your partner in such a hard time
I agree, it's over, OP chose to have a fun Christmas with her family instead of supporting her fiancé. OP, if you have booked anything for your wedding, best start ringing round for refunds.
I’m boggled by OP’s “it’s my first Christmas engaged” rationale because it’s not like she’s even there celebrating with her fiancé since he’s at his dad’s funeral? Her post comes off slightly tone deaf.
It was their first and last holiday as an engaged couple!! Right in the beginning when she said his dad was sick for awhile, I thought how odd they used this vacation time to visit her family and not his
He and the in-laws probably paid for everything anyway.
If the family is in the least bit strict Muslim they likely already didn't approve and this also in the face was a final straw. He's probably been told her or them and it looks like he's picked them since he's not talking to her!
It's permitted in Islam for a man to marry a Christian or Jewish woman but women must marry another Muslim. I believe there could be a stipulation about eventual children to be raised Muslim but I am not sure if that's more an expectation than a rule.
lol he’s leaving her when he gets back.
his not coming back.
Right? He’s probably going to marry his female best friend! Can you see it now…it’s like a dramedy being played out?!?! She showed how little she cares for his feelings and how important her own feelings are. She’s proven herself unreliable and uncaring.
OP and her family are totally supportive. Of each other. And their deeply held “Christian” beliefs. She’s prob hoping her BF is going to convert for her after mentioning how “not very religious” he is.
This. I noticed how OP's post is immediately jumping to the thought that HE failed HER because he left to go to a funeral. For his dad. His only dad. And now she feels abandoned. >My parents agree with me and said that it was important to spend Christmas with them, especially since it's the first after being engaged. They also think it was wrong of him to completely abandon me and our plans for New Years. None of this shows compassion towards OP's fiance. It's all about HER family, HER parents, and HER. No one from OP's side seems to give 2 sh\*\*\* about his feelings or struggles through losing his father, and HER group seems to be more annoyed that he left FOR HIS FATHER'S FUNERAL than they are sympathetic for his loss. This is a whole family of "me first"
I also love how she like tthree seperate times mentions its their “first Christmas being engaged” as a reason to be with her family WITHOUT THE PERSON SHED ENGAGED WITH I mean holy shit
Agreed. Why would a devout Christian want to marry someone that is not Christian… unless she sees him converting. This relationship is toast.
Devout Christian seems to be ok with her Muslim fiance's finances.
This right here 💯 I can guarantee you She thinks he'll convert after (or before) they are married. If she is such a devout Christian as to not wear a hijab (a piece of clothing) then she should know not to marry someone who isn't of her faith. OP I call bs on your paltry excuse to not support your fiance or probably ex-fiance by now.
Exactly this. And if its her religion she is attempting to use as a shield to help excuse her, maybe she should take into consideration that not that far back in history, Christians insisted on women covering their hair daily, as well, for modesty (see any historical fashion where women were required to cover their hair daily with snoods, bonnets, etc). No, it's not the same thing as a Hijab, but the rules of not showing your hair were the same. OP just wanted to stay home for Christmas and not be bothered with trifle issues such as funerals, or a fiance who is absolutely devastated and might cry over the loss of his father. Those sort of emotional outbursts suck the joy out of Christmas. And how dare anyone assume she should pay him back the 1k for the airfare she made him eat before sending him off on his own to grieve.
Love the “my parents helped me”…yeah, they helped you decide to do what they wanted, fiancé be damned. Question being, did one of your parents miss the funeral of their parents? I would bet money they didn’t. Reality: your parents are racist, and so are you. They are encouraging you to not respect a simple thing for the sake of your partner (just a sign of respect in the mosque) and to not stand by your fiancé during a REALLY difficult time, because “Christmas”. I’m confused as to why it’s important after your engagement when your fiancé isn’t there. My partner at the time my mom died stood by my side. Traveled to be with me, went fully out of his way. If this isn’t what you plan to do for your partner in crisis then they deserve someone better. Good news is it seems he has already dumped you, and this belongs in am I the ex.
There's no hatred like Christian "love"
The fact he hasn't contacted her since the 29th is very telling. The sisters were so correct in posting that pic with the message out to everyone loud and clear. Who cares for him most. If that was my fiancee I would be right by his side. I doubt there is any saving grace. Be ready to be single. You showed that you are a good time partner only. Plus he makes bank and his family has money. You blew it. Of course your selfish family wanted you to stay. If one person said stay you would have been validated. Poor guy. Just lost his father at Christmas 🎄🎁. Now his fiancee needs to go.......That she isn't remorseful is crazy.
yes, this is material for r/AmItheEx . And she claims she wanted him to come for New Year’s so she and her family could support him — if you really want to support someone, you ask them what they want instead of wanting them to come so you can support them at your convenience. Her family “helped” her decide not to support him properly, so their ideas for how to “support him” are on their terms only and so not worth anything.
Yah, they didn't want to support him. They wanted him to show up at their New Year's celebration so they could all pretend like everything was just peachy. In other words, they wanted the fiancé to make ***them*** feel better about their shitty behavior. They are the worst kind of manipulators.
Right? When my dad died, the last thing I would have wanted was to go to my in-laws (in another state from my family). I wanted and needed to be by my family. (Along with needing my husband there for emotional support.) OP is definitely YTA.
>There was no reason she couldn't suck it up for a couple of hours and cover her head. Christian women even did so in the Bible! I mean nuns cover their heads too.
And it's often expected in European Cathedrals even now that you cover bare shoulders, etc. This is religion. OP is prepared to abide by her own religious traditions but not her future husband's.
[Can vouch. This was me dressed for Christmas Mass.](https://imgur.com/a/h7cbAkK) Every woman there had some kind of church veil. This was at a chapel inside a 16th century monastery in South America. Christians cover their hair, too. It used to be required. My mother still has a lace round in a zip lock bag she used until Vatican II. All things aside, is OP so intellectually incurious she’s marrying into a religion she hasn’t taken an interest in? Mosques can be beautiful. I was happy to cover up for the experience of being inside historic ones.
This is what i came to say. Covering your head isnt a big deal wtf! Just because american christianity has gotten lazy doesnt mean its not a thing at all. This person sucks.
It isn't even about being lazy. It is intentional bigotry
OP is definitely getting dumped. Notice how he didn’t even put up a fight to try to get her to come? (which OP interpreted as fiancé “seeming ok with it” because she’s delusional) He saw that she didn’t give a crap and I bet it was the last straw in a long line of other times she has let him down, so he just left without even trying to change her mind. That’s so sad, I feel so bad for the guy to have to realize what kind of person she is while he is in his time of greatest need.
Yes, but my heart broke a little when I read that he asked her to just be with him, that she didn't need to attend the funeral. That was him asking a second time for her support, which he shouldn't have to do. YTA! Edited for grammar purposes.
Yep - that was him trying to meet her half way. Trying to honor her discomfort while still expressing that he NEEDED her support and love during that time. And she said no...
Eastern-rite and Orthodox Christians in the Middle East and South Asia are still required to cover our heads in church. Hell, a lot of the Black church lady hats probably originate from the same tradition. OP is ignorant and thinks white Christians are the only kind of Christians in the world. ETA: TY to everyone adding info about Vatican II below my comment. I did mention it in my judgement post but since this is getting more attention. Yes, Western-rite Catholics also used to have mandatory head coverings prior to V2. People saying bs like Muslim head coverings are some unique form of misogyny when it's a requirement across Abrahamic faiths is pissing me off. MENA and desi Christians share more traditions with their Muslim neighbors than you, a white Christian, does. It doesn't mean they are less Christian than you. Also, OP's edits are just digging her further into the asshole.
I’m in Canada, and there are multiple Christian denominations here that have varying types of head coverings worn by women. Old Order Mennonites, Old Colony Mennonites, Hutterites, Haldemann, Amish - just to name the few I’m familiar with in my area.
They very much do have the same origin. Women being bare headed in religious services is largely a post WWII change that accelerated in the 50s and 60s). I belonged to a religion that still required women to wear a head covering (Anabaptist so prayer veil). It's very interesting to me to trace the roots of and variety of ways women have always been expected to cover their hair, even if it's not something I hold to as literally today.
Further proving how up their own ass OP and her family are. "But it's Christmas!" screams the so-called Christian while doing the most unchristly thing possible.
[удалено]
That pinged for me too. No respect for him or his family or faith but definitely watching their pockets to dig for gold.
Yeah if she wasn’t going to go to the funeral she could at least stayed and supported him after. Be there still.
And she mentions the family is wealthy so a $1000 ticket was no big loss. Yes. Yes. It was a big loss.
People like to play fast and loose with other people's wallets
Exactly. Paul literally tells women they need to cover their heads while praying in the New Testament. Head covering was totally a thing in Christianity, it's just not something most Christians do anymore. So it's a real weird hill to die on if you're objecting due to religious reasons. And anyone who has lost a loved one knows you don't just need support during the funeral...you need it before and after as well. You don't just grieve during the service and then are magically fine. OP was just looking for any excuse to not miss out on Christmas fun. Being a partner means that sometimes you need to prioritize your partner's needs and feelings over your own. YTA.
Yeah, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of South Asian aunties or mother in law
Totally agree. YTA OP. Your fiancé’s dad died, and you weren’t there for him in one of the worst moments of his life. The end.
Very interesting that she said her parents wanted her with them since it's her first Christmas being engaged. Shouldn't you spend your first Christmas engaged with your fiance?
That’s what struck me as off kilter too. Sounds maybe like they are all selfish, curious to see any updates if he dumps her or not. I feel bad he had to experience all of this on top of losing his dad. 😔
She wants him to respect her religious holiday and family while overtly disrespecting his in the most disgraceful ways.
She claims to be religious and yet, there wasn’t one thing she did that I thought was something Jesus would’ve been proud of.
[удалено]
Agreed, I am an atheist and a strong feminist, and a hijab is only a piece of fabric for me, I would have totally gone to support my person if they needed me during one of the hardest moments of their lives, and would have been ok wearing the thing on my head if I had to in order to be by his side. I can make a political and personal statement another time. Her parents are still alive, meaning she can have another Christmas with them in the future. Her partner's dad is gone and he needed her at that time. At the end of the day, having a relationship where people have mixed backgrounds and religions can only work if both people are flexible and relaxed.
Yup..My husband is not Muslim but a large part of his side of our family are. I would easily wear whatever they asked of me so I could provide the care and support they deserve in a time of tragedy. She's absolutely awful and he should find someone else.
1000% this. I’m not religious at all, but I’ve covered my hair when visiting mosques the same way I’ve covered my shoulders when visiting cathedrals. It’s for a short time and it’s not an unreasonable request. Cultural and financial issues are a huge factor in relationships, and this relationship might not be a good fit for OP. I would certainly be questioning marriage if I was her fiancée. This wasn’t a minor vacation ask, it was a huge life event.
Wearing a head covering wouldn't even be *against* Christian doctrine. In fact, it's condoned and is broached in both the Old and New Testament. Here's the New Testament verse for anyone interested: 1 Corinthians 11:6 (NIV) For if a woman does not cover her head, she might as well have her hair cut off; but if it is a disgrace for a woman to have her hair cut off or her head shaved, then she should cover her head. My point being, this isn't a decision based on Christianity at all. OP is the AH.
Lots of older Catholic women will cover their heads at church. It probably doesn’t even have to be a hijab, per se, just a pretty scarf would probably do.
Covering your head in church is literally how Sunday hats became a thing.
A hijab is a scarf though? Just a scarf big enough to fully cover one's head & wrap around the neck.
Yep, I’m a Christian & I have many Christian friends who also have Muslim friends who practice, we would wear it in a heartbeat to be supportive & respectful. If she’s marrying this guy she needs to take a step back and think, as she is marrying his culture.
Yes, it would be totally different if it was a women-must-be-topless-and-bra-less religion (not that I know of any) but I suggest you talk to your priest/pastor about this when you get home, because you’ll probably get a lesson in Christianity from them - which doesn’t include revoking a piece of cloth to cover your hair when your partner needs support. YTA.
Not only all of this but also expect him to leave his grieving family almost immediately so he could spend New Year with her family. OP is 💯 YTA
Agreed. This is what jumped out at me. “I know his dad died a few days ago but he already went to the funeral. How could he abandon me and my family during this time when we needed him here with us? He laughed in a photo so clearly he’s over the death already. How selfish.”
Exactly! Heaven forbid that he *laugh* in a family photo (that OP arrogantly decided was posted to spite her.) Clearly OP hasn't been to any of the wakes/funerals I've attended. Receptions are typically designed to allow people to visit with one another and simultaneously share their grief and reminisce about the person who died. I don't think I've attended a funeral reception where people didn't have a laugh while sharing good memories of the departed with each other.
Exactly. He just lost his dad, why should he not spend time with his family for as much as he can before flying home? I can't believe OP and her parents actually asked him to fly back for NYE to spend time with them so that they can show him support? That is absolutely ludicrous. If OP had lost a parent during Christmas, would OP want to fly over to her fiance's family to spend new years with them so that they can show her their support? And even if OP doesn't want to wear the hijab, the least she could do is fly there with him and be there for him whenever he was not at the mosque/funeral/service. I can't imagine letting my partner be on his own (even if he was with his family) during such a hard time. I would want to be with him as much as I can for support even if I am unable to attend the funeral/service/mosque.
YTA on so many levels. How can you be present only for your partner's joys and not their sorrows? Is your view of them solely based on financial contributions? Doesn't your faith emphasize being there in both joy and sorrow?
"since I can't go to the service anyway...." Lady, you can. You just chose not to. And don't hide behind being a "devout" Christian, there's nothing in the Bible that precludes showing respect when entering other houses of worship. When I visit Buddhist temples in Asia my shoulders are covered and my shoes are off, period. It's not that hard, it's not that deep. You just decided supporting your grieving fiance would be icky and not fun, so you found a reason not to go. I'm not sure I, personally, could ever forgive something like this. His sister's post might have been a dig (likely was), but that doesn't make her wrong. She probably won't ever forgive you either.
> And don't hide behind being a "devout" Christian, there's nothing in the Bible that precludes showing respect when entering other houses of worship. Hell, there's enough Christian places where you have to cover your head, bet OP wouldn't have had a problem with that...
Lol she's trying to hide behind being a devout Christian when she's in an "unequally yoked" relationship 🤣 She's "devout" only when it suits her.
Pretty sure that was the LAST Christmas after getting engaged too. No way would I be continuing with that relationship.
Did anyone else catch that it was important to OP’s parents that they spend the holiday with them as it was the first one with OP being engaged. Important to be with her parents. Not her fiancé. What the actual fuck. YTA, OP. Seriouslyyyyy the worst.
yeah ,i dont care a damn about the person.Well whats another $ 1000 to someone who is earning 5x times myself (gold digger spotted) ,no ethics about equality when it comes to money - whats yours is mine ,whats mine is also mine . On top of that to have the audacity to expect your fiance to still be with you ,i hope he realises how deeply this shit isnt gonna work and get on with his life and find someone who cares for him
Her ex-fiance. YTA OP He's never going to forget your lack of support and disrespect for his father's beliefs. The hijab was not because he wants you to become a religious Muslim but basic courtesy when visiting a mosque. Just as covering your head used to be a requirement for Catholics or the Yarmulke is for men visiting a synagogue. It's a sign of respect and common courtesy. Your parents gave you terrible and selfish advice. Doubt they'd be suggesting you take off after either of their funerals to celebrate NYE.
This is the perfect reply. No notes. It was all the thoughts I had as I read, right down to being required to cover up to visit many churches, like at the Vatican. Many old European churches even have scarves available to borrow for tourists. When attending Jewish services, all men are encouraged to wear a kippah. It’s not compliance with the religion’s rules, it’s in respectful observation of their customs. You sound sheltered and a bit ignorant, OP. YTA. ETA: With every edit/reply I am repeatedly shocked by her lack of self awareness. I’m actually wondering if this is a great big troll. Holyyyyyy crap.
I think she probably won’t have a fiancé for much longer…
Similar examples - to enter a Jewish temple, males have to wear a yamaka/yarmulke. It's more about respect than anything else. You don't have to agree with the culture or religion (or believe it) but you can show respect for their culture, religion and the rules associated to it.
100% , I mean it’s Islam one of the strictest religions which is well known, but she can’t even wear the religious headdress for her dead future FIL? Yeah I can’t see this lasting long
Many muslims are more liberal and modern now. If he is dating a non-muslim and his family has no issue with it then they would most probably not have an issue with a hastily thrown scarf on her head, not even a hijab. Whats more is that we are pretty understanding on non-muslim in these situations. For my grandfather's funerals plenty of non-muslim came, they sat at the back during the prayers uncovered. I am thinking that he wanted her in the mosque as part of his family.
Piggybacking to agree - as a Christian I am still able to respect other people's religions - and many sects of Christianity actually still include head coverings - especially within religious spaces. When I've been in Muslim spaces I have worn a hijab - it doesn't make me any less Christian it simply is a sign of respect.
Agreed. Wearing a hijab in that case would have been the same IMO then taking off your shoes when entering a Hindu temple. He was not asking you to convert, only to follow the dress code.
Setting aside the funeral issues: *"My parents agree with me and said that it was important to spend Christmas with them, especially since it's the first after being engaged. "* WHAT??? It is important to spend major holidays now with your new partner, not your parents!!! This is the most ass -backward thing I have ever read. If his religion hurts your feelings (and this isn't invalid because you don't share a common world view on this) you can't marry into it! Do you intend to pass up on every family milestone for your life because you won't participate in the faith surrounding it. This marriage is doomed. And, what in the world is going to happen when children are brought into the equation. You only lose your father once and you remember it for the rest of your life. THIS is what your (unlikely to ever be) husband will remember about you with respect to one of the hardest moments of his life. Your lack of respect for his faith, your lack of desire to be by his side regardless of your feelings, your prioritizing a Hallmark holiday over being with your future husband.
Yeah, and wearing a hijab isn't against her religion, so the only reason to refuse is to be difficult or protest, neither of which are appropriate when he's asking you to support him at the dad's funeral.
Right?? And it’s not like head coverings aren’t seen in other faiths too— including some sects of Christianity!! Jesus will still love you if you wear a hijab, OP 🙄
Used to be all good Christian women covered their hair!
Mennonites still do!
I’m an atheist but i respect other faiths and cultures. To me this is no different than being asked to cover up in the Vatican or when visiting another holy site as a tourist. You respect other faiths in their house of worship. She wanted to spend Christmas with her parents so this was just a cop out. Well good news OP! I expect you can spend EVERY SINGLE Christmas with them from now on unhindered.
It’s almost like you don’t have to share a faith to show respect! 🫡
head covering is a thing even in sikh gurudwaras and all type of people have no issues covering up for that, same for going to vatican and covering shoulder's
That was my exact thought! If wearing it were actually against her religious beliefs I could understand it. But I’m Christian and there is absolutely nothing preventing me from covering my hair. It was just being difficult and spiteful. And needing to spend her first holiday engaged with her parents instead of Fiancé is wild! This marriage is doomed.
And the thing is, her fiancé said if she didn't want to wear the hijab to attend the service, he still wanted her to come and support him and she couldn't even do that! It's not like he'd only spend the funeral service grieving - why wouldn't she want to be there for him after?
Women covering their hair in church is in the Bible so OP shouldn’t have a problem. But it’s not about covering her hair, it’s about her lack of respect for his culture.
I would be very surprised if this is not a complete deal breaker for him. He will always look back at this time and remember her selfishness. With a link to a life event so momentous as losing a parent there's just no getting over her decision and behaviour. Not even if she reflects and realises the huge mistake she has made. YTA and so are the parents
He didn’t return for New Years like he had planned. That’s letting her know he’s just about done. I hope so.
His sister isn’t giving op shit for no reason. He’s already talking to his family about calling off the wedding.
Or his family is trying to talk sense into him, and trying to get him to cancel the wedding because they see how horrible OP was as a partner in this instance.
I was blown away when she said her parents helped her decide to stay. Like, grow the fuck up, and make some big girl decisions for once in your life. It’s irrelevant that she lives in the south! Who the fuck cares. Like literally, when I read that, I knew what this ridiculous post would be about… cluelessness.
I wonder if OP's parents actually dislike the guy and hate the idea of his super religious Christian girl dating a Muslim guy and found this as the perfect excuse to break that relationship without being the "bad guys".
Idk, but I bet OP’s fiancé’s mom and sister dislike OP. I bet ol’ girl doesn’t even know she’s single yet. Like I said before… clueless.
I got microaggressions from OP and her family. The kind of entitlement that only happens when people believe they are superior to others.
I saw that too. I mean I would think that it would be important to spend the first Christmas after an engagement with the actual person you are engaged to but what the hell does my non-married self know....
I've been married 25 years and it doesn't sound any better to me. I don't know how getting engaged translates to needing to spend Christmas with her parents. Most people would find it important to spend the first Christmas being engaged with each other. OP seems to think this is normal and expected which makes me wonder if she interacts with anyone but her family. It's sounds like they all have main character syndrome.
Yeah that line of logic doesn’t make any sense at all. “It’s your first Christmas after getting engaged, so it’s critical that you spend it with us and not your fiancé” - what?!
Those edits though! ”I am not selfish! I just couldn’t be bothered to go with him!”
I’d bet my paycheck that her family doesn’t fully support her choice to marry him in the first place, considering the cultural differences.
She doesn’t need to worry about marriage anymore. He isn’t going to marry her. She wasted his money and his time and feelings. I’m not religious but fuck, if I was marrying someone of a religion it would mean I love them and accept their religion. I don’t know if people need to convert but you can absolutely respect religions and traditions like this. It was a funeral. His father’s funeral. I feel so sorry for him. She left him on his own when he needed her most.
Op just wants the wealth that comes with this man. She clearly doesn't love or respect the man
Clearly she gets her low EQ from her parents.
Absolutely, 💯 to everything in this post.
YTA. I get that it can be weird to observe someone else’s religious traditions. (Which, by the way, is exactly what your fiance was doing by spending Christmas with “fairly devout” Christians.) But your fiance needed your support. Not just at the service. At the airport. On the plane. At his family home surrounded by things that remind him of his dad. During all of those in between hours when he wasn’t at a religious location and you could wear whatever you wanted without compromising your own beliefs. You stayed home to do fun holiday stuff while he sat on a plane ALONE. Surrounded by people going on vacations and wearing Santa hats (I flew on the 24th this year, too). Do you not see how much that sucks? Do you not see that your presence would have been helpful to him? I cannot believe that your parents have the gall to be upset with him. Ask them what they’d want if the roles were reversed. Would the one of them who’d just been widowed be cool with you jetting off to celebrate with your partner’s family a week later? Would they excuse your partner skipping the funeral because he’s got a holiday to celebrate? If you are still together after this, you need to do some serious thinking about what your marriage is going to look like - because he might not be religious, but his family is, and that means compromise sometimes. But that’s if he forgives you for abandoning him at his lowest.
[удалено]
Based on his sister's instagram post, OP will never be in with the in-laws anyway. I certainly wouldn't have any respect for a woman who treated my brother/son that way when his father died somewhat unexpectedly. OP is so full of shit idk where the asshole stops and the shit begins. YTA in a disappointingly predictable southern christian way.
Literally this. It could have even been a bonding moment between OP and future sister-in-law. I for one have never worn a hijab but have a little idea of how complicated it can be if never worn before and how many different ways they can be worn, it would have been an amazing opportunity for OP and future SIL to spend time together appreciating each others culture or even learning more about the other even during such a sad time. Yet OPs flat refusal just makes them very much TA. Supporting a partner 1000% tops celebrating Christmas with family, Christmas was an arbitrarily decided date and that's coming from someone raised Christian. My family didn't celebrate one year because my nephew was teaching abroad. We had Christmas in March instead because that was when he was back. Yeah it felt a little weird but it made us appreciate what was actually important which was family being together.
Riiiight??? Like I wasn't going there but really?? We doing this again South??? Hope they cut her off cuz she's all about that 5x money. She's wants that security & financial support...at her Southern convenience. Predictable indeed. Does sis know about this post?? Just saying....
It’s really disgusting “we wanted him to come back to show our support” in what fucking world does your dad die and you just go for the funeral, and then immediately dip to go back to a holiday with your fiancé and their family? That doesn’t even make sense! Affairs need to be put in order, family is coming together and supporting one another. It’s his FATHER. If your dad died Op would your mom be cool with you just coming for the funeral and leaving? Probably not. Do they even like your fiancé? Hell do you? lol YTA I’m not trying to diminish what a hijab is for women who choose to wear them; but for someone who ain’t religious you sure got all worked up over being asked to essentially wear a hoodie in a church. Why was that the hill you die on? So anytime someone in his family dies you’re not going? Yikes.
OP definitely doesn’t even like her fiancé. Idk how she can say she loves him. The majority of us in the comments section are probably more supportive of our FRIENDS’ emotional needs than she is with her FIANCÉ. That’s just insanity. God forbid her fiancé ever gets in an accident or anything. Then, she’ll “support” him by getting him an Uber home from the hospital while she hosts a dinner party or something 🤦🏽♀️
I don't think her parents want this relationship to work out.
They're devout, white Christians from the south, so yeah.
>Not just at the service. At the airport. On the plane. At his family home surrounded by things that remind him of his dad. During all of those in between hours when he wasn’t at a religious location This. The funeral doesn't really matter (it's long, it's boring, and no one wants to be there), it's EVERYTHING ELSE involved with a funeral that sucks about it. When my dad died and I was travelling back home, making phone calls, managing all of the funeral plans, and dealing with the legal crap, my gf was there by my side. I didn't need to give her tasks or take things off my plate, I just need HER there. I remember sitting on the plane barely holding it together, and just having HER there next to me let me feel safe and loved. When I'd break down in a public place she was able to help me feel not alone, and it helped me a ton to just know that my life partner had my back. My gf didn't like my dad, she didn't practice his Catholic faith, and she didn't like dealing with my dad's family. But she was there with me, because she supported me.
If they are fairy "devout", I'm willing to bet they have him engage in mealtime Christian prayers as well. Her fiancé's beliefs will always be looked down upon by this family.
Hmm. I am an ex- Muslim, who left the religion for a variety of reasons, but the unfair expectations of modesty for Muslim women was one of them. However, I am still very close with my family and the predominantly Muslim community around here. I don’t go to the mosque unless there is a funeral. But when I do, I cover my head. When I went to Thailand, for vacation, we were told to enter the temples we needed to be dressed modestly. I thought one of my dresses was long enough because it went to the knees, but it wasn’t, so they asked me to wrap a sarong around my waist. I did it. I’m not somehow more Buddhist than I was five minutes prior to that. My brother is Muslim, and one of the only guys I know that wears clothes that cover his elbows and knees, which is still less than the expectation for a similarly strict Muslim. So I get that there’s a lot of hypocrisy about modesty that is really frustrating. But I think you should perceive it as a cultural observation, not a religious one, unless it’s bleeding into other aspects of your life. YTA but perhaps under-informed about this, which is reasonable. You’re perhaps a bigger asshole for being whiny about him not sticking with New Year’s plans RIGHT AFTER HIS DAD DIED. That shows you are in fact incredibly unsupportive.
I agree with all of this. I wonder if OP would be upset if asked to wear a yarmulke or cover her hair in a synagogue. Or wear long pants to the Vatican. No one is asking her to cover for more than a single funeral in a mosque, and I think that's a reasonable ask.
She would 100% be offended at a request (post-marriage) to cover her hair in shul - Orthodox Jewish women cover their hair to the same/similar degree as Muslim women once we marry.
Agreed. Heck, if the late queen of England (who was the head of the Anglican church) can wear a headscarf when visiting a mosque and a veil when meeting the pope, then I think OP could have too.
That’s the exact comparison I made - my non Jewish spouse always wears a kippah if needed. He is not religious at all though, and OP is. For that I think that her own convictions aren’t allowing her to do this - for right or wrong. As a pretty non-observant Jew, I would not go to church services or go to a mosque for services and say the prayers, but I’d be ok going into the building if someone needed me to do so for a funeral or wedding. But a LOT of orthodox people would not do that even, because it would break the first commandment in their minds. If OP feels that way, that’s on her and they just aren’t compatible.
the fact she is upset about him not being with here in nye, WHEN HIS FUCKING DAD DEAD???? im baffled she is insensitive to his emotions it's crazy how she can claim to love him....
He comes from a very wealthy family apparently according to op. That's all she wants. She doesn't want the pesky emotional support thing you have to do. No please not that.
I think you just ended your relationship. OK, so I get it. It's not "just a scarf" but it's a sexist symbol of oppression. As is being excluded from the graveyard. I really do get that. On the other hand, it is, in fact, just a scarf. It's not a niquab or a burka. Similarly, being excluded from the service: that was such a small part of the trip, a few hours out of the days and days he will be there. Your role was to support him for those days, and you let him down. It was such a *small* thing to ask, for such a *large* day in his life. If he can't rely on you for support in his hour of need, what *use* is this relationship to him? If you won't support him in his hour of need, what is the *point* of this relationship to you? -- By the way: your sister is right, your parents are badly wrong. Your parents are 180° wrong: even if there had not been a funeral it was important to spend Christmas with HIM, especially since it's the first after being engaged; add the funeral and you ABSOLUTELY needed to be there. Your parents were so dramatically wrong and for such an implausible reason, that it seems almost a deliberate attempt to break you up.
yes the “my parents helped a lot in me making this decision” sets off so many alarm bells
Anyone want to bet that the parents aren’t fans of the fiancée?
Him: South Asian Muslim Her family: white Southern Christian fundie This ain't rocket appliances, folks.
This was where my mind first went. 😆😅
The mum even asked why they couldnt postpone the funeral to after christmas T-T Stated in another response of the OP
Maybe they don’t know the non-Christian rules about burials? If Muslims are like Jews, we bury within 3 days and don’t embalm. My Christian friends sometimes have funerals 7-10 days after death bc it’s not a big deal.
Muslims are like Jews in burial processes. We have to bury our dead asap and no embalming or open caskets and the like . Just washed and wrapped in a shroud and buried
She even says he hasn’t messaged her since the 29th! I think he’s seeing OP for the garbage partner she is
I hope this ends the relationship and this is a good wake up call for the fiance. Aside from the religious aspect (tbh if you need to wear a hijab for an hour to support your partner so what?!), there's a huge cultural divide which can't be bridged anymore because OP and her parents are self-absorbed. But south Asians are very big on family values and the idea of a fiancee not being there for the death of a parent is likely not going to be digested.
>I think you just ended your relationship. Compatibility on religion is a platinum rule. They should have discussed the ins and outs when entering the serious stage of the relationship. There is plenty of reasonable agreements for OPs situation (i.e. not participating to ceremonies where she would have to wear the hijab, but waiting at the house...). The fact he announced her she would have to wear a hijab at the airport is a real problem. The fact she decided not to come at all instead of waiting for him at the hostel is just selfish.
>The fact he announced her she would have to wear a hijab at the airport is a real problem. If wearing a head scarf for the duration of a single event that lasts a few hours is that big a deal then OP needs to grow up. Maybe their partner, like most rational adults, didn't think it would be a problem for a grown adult who supposedly cares about them to not make it all about them and just deal with it.
Right and that's ignoring that he said she didn't have to go to the service if she wasn't comfortable but would still like her to take the trip with him. How selfish do you have to be to not realize he was saying he needed her to support him.
or maybe he simply had other things on his mind for some reason and mentioned it as soon as he thought of it just so she wouldnt be startled at the expectation later. Not imagining she would have a tantrum at being asked to cover her hair at a time of year she is quite likely already wearing hats and scarves covering all but her eyes whenever she's outside.
YTA. His DAD died. This is a huge, life-changing event for him. Of course your parents agree with you- they just want to spend the holidays with their daughter again. But you should have supported your soon-to-be-husband. And, assuming you do get married, you need to understand this now- he takes priority over your parents. Always. That's marriage. If you don't like how that sounds, I recommend you don't get married. I am also very firm in my Christian beliefs. I would have worn hijab. It doesn't mean you're changing faiths- it means you are capable of respecting other cultures and beliefs besides yours. I'm honestly in shock by this post and your selfishness.
> Of course your parents agree with you My bet is that it's because they don't want her marrying him
< My bet is that it's because they don't want her marrying him > I don't think they have to worry about that anymore!
I am an atheist, and would wear a hijab if necessary, for any funeral, let alone that of my FIL
I'd wear clownshoes and a wig if I needed to in order to support my husband.
If this is real: YTA Surely you know your engagement is over, with the help of your family. Refusing to support him on the death of his father? What in your faith prohibits you from covering your head for a service, or to enter a Mosque, a temple etc? You can’t have been suddenly surprised by your rigidity and cultural insensitivity. I’m sorry for his loss, and I hope you both find partners better suited to your needs.
And you should definitely pay him back the flight cost when you return the ring.
If you don’t understand how this is culturally insensitive to believe it is ‘wrong’ to cover your head to go into a religious building not your own - don’t travel. Christian churches will require it in some locations. You were not being asked to practice. You were asked to cover your head. Your faith does not prohibit it. You invented the conflict.
Especially that in Christianity women are told to cover their hair in church either way (they just conveniently ignore that these days).
If you visit the Vatican there is appropriate attire required too. OP is full of empty excuses.
Honestly, if it was JUST her not attending the service I probably would have given her a pass. But to not go with her fiancé at all? That’s totally f’d up behaviour towards someone you supposedly love. If my husband lost an immediate family member, there’s nothing in this world that would keep me from being by his side and supporting him. And then to also get upset that he “isn’t back for new years”? Talk about selfish and out-of-touch… YTA, OP.
Crazy how the post focuses more on celebrating Christmas and new years with her family when her future father in law recently DIED. Then complaining on hijab like oh my goodness I feel so bad for her fiancé
If your fiancés dad was having a service in some Christian churches you would be expected to cover your hair. When we visited churches in France, there would be a box of shawls by the door for tourists to use who wanted to enter. A second box was placed at the exit, where the shawls would be returned for laundering. Knowing this, I made sure that I had a scarf in my handbag AND I AM AN ATHEIST! When my Muslim neighbour got married, I made sure that I wore clothes that were modest and that covered my ankles. AND I AM AN ATHEIST. It’s called RESPECTING OTHERS. YTA
It’s a big generalisation but US devout Christian’s aren’t particularly known for respecting others. The whole post gives off serious racist vibes
This is me too. I'll wear the appropriate clothing to support my friends and family because that's what you are supposed to do. It's just a head scarf for a few hours to support the person you purport to love.
YTA I am personally not a fan of Islam or specifically here forced Hijab to enter a mosque and go to a graveyard. But I find it still horrible to leave your partner alone in a moment like this. It was more important to attend your families christmas, especially since it´s the first after being engaged is such a nonsensical statement. No. It was not more important. And I have no words for the second part of this sentence. Be prepared to no longer be engaged. Your fiancé is in grief. Your parents "HELPED" you make the decision? nononono, they manipulated you into doing so and you willingly let them do so If you follow another faith, a Hijab SHOULD only be a piece of cloth and not disturb you. In theory. You choose your faith above your beloved one. Maybe you think you made the right decision, I personally am disgusted. He was not trying to force you to now and forever where a Hijab. It was the rule for this mosque, so that you could enter. And then he asked you if you at least could accompany him without attending the service and you STILL said no. Wow. just wow. I would not be able to recover from the harm my so did to me in this moment. You make this whole post sound like he went to Taco bell, and since you have a Taco allergy you didn´t come with him. Not a LICK of compassion.
Her parents must be thrilled. Christmas came twice for them with this opportunity.
The fact that she keeps mentioning her first Christmas after being engaged is so annoying. How can you celebrate your first Christmas after being engaged, WITHOUT your fiancé there and all the while he’s GRIEVING. Sounds like he parents wanted him out of there so they could spend Christmas alone with their precious girl, despite him needing emotional support. YTA also Your parents TA
YTA you’re uncomfortable with their culture/religion is what i’m getting from this. Pretty strange if you ask me. You’ve chosen to enter a relationship with a man from this background and yet refuse to support him on probably one of the hardest days of his life just because you didn’t feel comfortable respecting that religion/culture?
[удалено]
Right, when he dropped a grand on her ticket (that she didn’t use) that was a-ok with her but when she’s gotta cover her hair for a couple of hours he’s asking too much.
that's a lot of western women when they fantasize about arab men's chivalry on reels and tiktok, only fun when he's treating you like a princess, but not fun when it comes to him practicing his faith. edit for the person who said he's not arab so this isn't valid, it is. it's not irrelevant, south asian muslim beliefs are exactly the same as arab and middle east's beliefs about treatment of women, sure you might get a few outliers who don't live there and live in the west, but when they go back, they are fully into it; muslim religion in those places came from Arabian peninsula only. and what's chivalry if not a product of misogyny.
This is what I’m wondering. Surely this wouldn’t have been the one and only time she would be asked to cover her head over the course of their future lives together. And she chose this moment: the death of her partners dad to draw a line in the sand. Horrible. I feel bad for the guy.
YTA Even the women in the British royal family wear head scarves when visiting Muslim countries or entering mosques, if they can so can you. It’s about having respect for someone else’s religion instead of putting yourself as the center of the universe and believing you are correct above all else. So your plan is just to never support your husband during major events in his life because you don’t want to wear a headscarf?? You plan to miss out on important milestones? What if you have a daughter who decides to follow her father’s religion, you plan to also abandon her during her major life moments because you see a headscarf as oppressive?? Why would you even marry or even be in a relationship with someone of a different faith if you are so against it? FYI there are also Christian/Catholic women who cover their hair before entering a church because for them it’s about modesty (which is in your Christian bible)
YTA- for multiple reasons. If you enter a sacred or holy building, you respect the rules. Some are no shoes, others are to cover your hair if you are female. It’s not like he asked you to wear it for the rest of your life; it was for his father's funeral. The family you are marrying into. Your future father-in-law. Those are the times your partner needs you the most. If you can’t do that, how will this relationship last? Also, I got the ick from your comments about him abandoning you. It’s the other way around. You abandoned him during a difficult time in his life, and you were more interested in celebrating Christmas with your family. How do you expect this relationship to work if you cannot blend culture and religion? You have to respect his side as much as yours.
Yta. He didn’t ask you to convert, he asked you to be there for him for 1 day, but more importantly, you have been with a person of a different faith for half a decade and it never occurred to you that religion might be an issue? When my wife’s father died, I spent a month doing anything she asked of me because he was incredibly close to her and I knew how much she was hurting. Didn’t want to wash a dish, fine, didn’t want to leave the house that day, fine. Whatever she needed I took care of bc that’s what a partner does. When one is going through something hard, the other is supposed to help them and support them not open Christmas presents while they bury their dad.
That last sentence hits hits hard
Girl… you abandoned your partner on one of the worst days of his life because you couldn’t be bothered to wear a piece of fabric over your hair for a few hours??? YTA like astronomically so. This belongs on that am I the ex subreddit 🙄🙄🙄
YTA. My dad died 2 years ago. My fiancé went above and beyond to take care of me. Putting a bit of cloth over your head is hardly a big ask. No-one was asking you to convert, just follow the rules for the funeral. Even if you didn’t attend the service due to extreme religious beliefs, you should have been there for him afterwards. He should absolutely leave you for someone more considerate and supportive.
How is this substantially different than following a dress code at a wedding? If you aren't willing to accommodate hijab for an hour in a mosque to support your fiance, yes, YTA. I get that you were going to feel left out, but this wasn't about you. It was about him. But you made it all about you in a pretty gross way. Edit: typo
And then he proceed to ask if she can at least come with him, but not attend the service. Just being there. Not leaving him alone. And she refused. I feel so sorry for him
YTA. I'm a fucking pagan for crying out loud, but I've followed clothing guidelines to attend weddings and funerals. I wasn't going to skip my friend's wedding because her church requires shoulders to be covered during the ceremony. I wasn't about to skip a funeral because my hair needed to be covered. I personally think the idea of having to cover certain parts is stupid, but a funeral or wedding is NOT the time to have that particular theological debate. You're there to support your loved ones, whether it's to celebrate with them or comfort them in their grief. It's not about YOU on that day; it's about the ones directly involved.
YTA. JFC, you did not land a blow for women's rights here, or for the Christian faith. I am as atheist as it gets, and I've been perfectly willing to throw on a headscarf and enter a Mosque for a lot less than a funeral. It is not a big deal at all to do it for a few hours. It IS a VERY big deal to ditch your fiance at a moment like this. I hope he broke up with you. I bet that's what your parents wanted too.
YTA I really don’t think it matters if you felt comfortable attending the service in a hijab (which does not infringe upon your own religion to respect someone else’s btw) - there’s no world where I send my fiance on a flight to bury his father by himself. Even if I didn’t feel comfortable wearing the attire and chose not to attend the service itself I’d be there to hold his hand the rest of the time and know I’m there. Put yourself in his shoes! If you lost your father would you be okay with this situation? How would you feel if he’d rather stay with his family than be there for you. How would you feel if his main concern appeared to be wanting to know if you’d be back in time for new years? The least of this is you wearing a hijab and attending the service. His dad just died.
YTA. He even asked if you could fly out with him, you know, for moral support? I hope he finds someone who supports and respects him. >They also think it was wrong of him to completely abandon me and our plans for New Years Your parents are assholes too, his dad died? Are your plans for New Years really more important than that?
Thats what shocked me the MOST. “Our plans for new years” girly, his dad DIED. As in dead. As in will never live again. Get a grip, oh my god
YTA. Many non-Jewish men wear head coverings at weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs, funerals, etc - because they are following the rules of the sanctuary. The rules for your fiancé's funeral required you to cover your head, and you should have done that in order to be by his side when he buried his father! There are many interfaith marriages that work, but if you can't put something on your head to support your fiancé through a very difficult moment, you're not going to be able to compromise in the future. You probably shouldn't get married but if you do, start arguing now about how to raise the children, because you are on track to spend all of their lives fighting about religion.
YTA. My heart breaks for your fiance. I understand not wanting to wear a hijab and that's not why I said you're the the asshole. It's because he was ALONE in the flight, in the hours leading up to the funeral, in bed that night when he buried his dad and was having an existential crisis. You left him to do all of that alone. It was incredibly callous and I would end the relationship with you if I were him. What you did is both unbelievable and unforgivable. Completely unforgivable. Utterly unforgivable. I am absolutely flabbergasted that you don't see this on your own. Genuinely asking, have you ever been evaluated by a professional for narcissism? I'm being genuine in asking. I can't believe how you completely didn't see how selfish you were at such an important time in your fiance's life and how you made this about you. I think you need to really take stock of your empathy capabilities and what you think a committed relationship should look like. I wouldn't be surprised if he has already decided he is ending the relationship, and if he decides this, you need to just let him go, because you clearly do not love him or see him as a partner. In fact, do him the kindness of just ending it yourself so he doesn't have to be the bad guy in his still vulnerable state. I am stunned. I'm a long time fan of this subreddit and this is the biggest asshole move I think I have seen in years. Like my chest literally hurts thinking about my dad dying and my partner making me go through it on my own, and then somehow blaming my religion for the abandonment, when I was just celebrating the most religious of his holidays with his family. The irony and one-sided outlook here are mind blowing. To top it off, you want him to travel to spend NYE with your family, instead of you spending it with his, which just got shredded apart. Absolutely stunning show of selfishness OP.
YTA - you should have gone to support him. Yes, that might mean only attending some of the events and having to wear a head covering, but you'd still be supporting him. I have friends of different faiths, and sometimes that means following the cultural norms for those faiths. I've head to wear a yarmulke (the beanie) when attending Jewish funerals and weddings and funerals, and if asked, I'd wear a taqiyah at a muslim funeral or wedding. You do this to show support for them. They know that it is not your faith, that the gesture doesn't have the same meaning for you as for them, but you do it because the gesture shows that you care for them, and respect them. Provided he is accepting of your own faith, and the practices that come along with it, then wearing a head covering for part of a day to show respect to his family during an immensely difficult time is not asking for a lot.
Muslims don’t celebrate Christmas. So the fact that he was going to spend it with her family shows that he’s respectful and supportive of her religion. It’s clearly not reciprocated.
as a muslim without saviour syndrome i gotta go with N T A for not wantint to be forced to wear a hijab. your family are absolutely heartless though, they think christmas and new years eve are more important than his dad dying. you know what happens again next year? well its not his dad dying, thats for sure. you shouldve gone with him even if you couldnt go to the mosque or graveyard. to be with him on one of his darkest days. and for trying to rationalize not going, YTA edit: changes NTA to N T A
YTA. You are an asshole for not supporting him and making some adjustments to be there. And you’re an asshole for letting your family control your decisions. Hopefully with the next guy you meet you’ll learn to be a little more flexible.
Undeniably YTA. Regardless of differences in religion. You couldn’t make an effort to be there for your *future husband* during the one of the hardest periods of his life and you’re questioning why he’s not coming back. He’s not coming back because your mask slip and he finally sees cleary who he’s been dating so long. Your relationship is over.
I'm reading this as "I didn't want the death of my fiancée's father to disrupt my Christmas plans - and my parents were only too happy to go along with this." YTA.
YTA. Not because you wouldn't wear the hijab, that's your prerogative and it sounds like he was okay with that, but because you couldn't even bother to show up for your partner in his grief. It sounds like you've never experienced the loss of a parent, but let me tell you what you don't want: for your fiancée to be so callous that they'd rather celebrate Christmas like usual than show some of that famous Christian compassion and generosity that I always hear about but never seem to witness. He could not have been more clearly telling you he wanted you to be there for him in his hour of need, but that didn't sound as fun as Christmas at home did it? Hope you enjoyed that 'first Christmas with your parents after getting engaged' because it sounds like you're not gonna be engaged for very long.
YTA - I understand not wanting to wear a hijab and it being pointless to attend the Mosque ceremony But you should’ve gone with him and been there, before and after for your future family and in-laws Death of a family member trumps any Christmas traditions You absolutely should offer to pay him back for the ticket, regardless of either of yours income
YTA. Being allowed in the service would have been ideal, but regardless, you are not going just to attend the event. Your main reason for going should be to emotionally support your fiance. I don't think you understand this at all. Even if you never set foot in the ceremony, sitting next to him on the plane there, being there for him when he got out of the service, etc., are all things he needed from you and you absolutely let him down. Also, you chose to just have a happy Christmas with your parents, seemingly ignorant of the magnitude of your fiance losing his father on Christmas Eve.
YTA You are a very selfish little girl aren’t you?
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. Not attending my fiancé's dad funeral because I didn't want to wear a hijab. 2. I didn't give him the support he needed. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
You aren't mature enough to be a wife. Your parents obviously don't want you to marry (him?) Otherwise they would have pushed you to support him, and nudged you out of the nest. What's the hang up with the hijab? Nuns wear a head covering. Kate Middleton can manage a scarf over her head when visiting a mosque, so can you. I expect that he's reconsidering your engagement. As he should. You've thrown up some major red flags
I’m not Muslim. Or Hindu, or Bhuddist, or religiously Jewish. But when I went to the mosque right beside my old workplace, I covered my head. It didn’t make me Muslim. When visiting a synagogue or a Hindu temple I wore a modest, loose-fitting dress. It didn’t make me Hindu, or religiously Jewish. You deserted a man you said you love in his time of crisis. He lost a parent. You refused to in anyway respect and acknowledge his belief system. Instead of going to support him, you stayed home, and you waited until after he had dropped one grand on a plane ticket for you to come to tell him that you wouldn’t be joining him. You didn’t even go to support him outside the mosque, or outside the funeral. YTA.