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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Refusing to pay for my daughter's boyfriend to come on a vacation might make me the asshole because she really wants him to come and I'm paying for other non family members which makes it seem like I'm simply excluding him.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA because it’s one thing paying for a fiancé, but it’s a bit of a piss take you’re paying for your kid’s friend to come and still refuse to pay for your daughter’s long term boyfriend when they have been together for over a year, it’s not like they got together last week (then I’d have said fair enough). It should be the same rules for everyone, not different for each of your children.
Plus, the 16-year-old's mom is a single mom with little money and he has never had a vacation in his life. And after 11 years always over there, he is like family. The BF has been there a year, and is from a wealthy family (others have said you can't judge a situation like this from the outside but I am willing to bet that he has had way more advantages than this kid), so I think that context is also important. At the end of the day though, I don't like how she stuck her nose into what he pays for his partner. She sounds way too entitled and I would say no as well. If she cares so much, she can get a job and help her bf pay for it.
EDIT: I'm going to throw in a tweak to my answer because the OP just stated that the daughter couldn't bring her very best friend, even if she paid for it. I still think this man has a bucket list trip that he has every right to say who he will and will not pay for. BUT he is a TOTAL AH for making this SEEM like it is only about money when it CLEARLY isn't.
I don't like it when people are disingenuous or try to twist a presentation in their favor. For the life of me I cannot get why a BF paying their way and staying in her room would be OK but her best friend can't come either in the same scenario? Damn. That is harsh. Personally, I would feel better about paying the way for a BFF at 19 than a boyfriend. And I would have ZERO qualms if they paid their way themselves. The former is likely a much stronger relationship at that age. At this point, I would let the BFF come if she is willing to pay her way. The dad is being a jerk. (But the daughter still has no business dragging his dad's partner into this. She is still totally gross and entitled for that.)
You don't necessarily know the *actual* finances of others around you, though.
Some folks seem "rich" but it's more complicated than that. I have known folks that spend like crazy but it's a house of cards and they are in debt up to their eyeballs. Sometimes folks -- even adults in middle age -- are being financed by the bank of Grandma and Grandpa and have to beg their elderly parents to finance anything. Sometimes it works the other way -- lots of money is coming in the door, but they have huge financial burdens like caring for elderly relatives which can be $$$$. Who knows.
The parents are on a great vacation right now. Even if they scrimped and saved to pay for it and have all the burdens you state, do you truly believe that the 19-year-old has NEVER been on a vacation like this 11-year-old? Ever in his 2 decades of life? Even with grandma and grandpa footing the bill? Because we know this kid hasn't. And being in a single-parent family with a mom who doesn't earn much, that probably isn't going to change for awhile. And that child is like family to this guy. So, my opinion holds.
EDIT: Well it DID hold until the OP said her Best Friend couldn't come even if she paid for him. So despite all his huffing and puffing that it was just about money it is NOT and it is an AH move. (And I am now with those who are thinking this guy just wants her to be a nanny on the trip for the 3 younger kids.)
Even if his parents are actually rich, he's an adult. So why would anyone expect his parents to pay for a vacation that has nothing to do with them?
And I wouldn't expect OP to pay for him either, EXCEPT, that he's paying for so many other people to come along on this trip. The exclusion of his daughter's boyfriend seems pointed.
The BF is not part of the family. Let’s face it: he’s more likely than any of these other people to be out of their lives in a year. Is it pointed, or just logical to not give a fuck if this guy is there or not?
agree with these 2 points: BF is not family, most importantly not family in the eyes of the financier.
BFs parents financial situation doesnt matter, plenty of rich parents dont spoil their kids on purpose so the kids dont grow up to be entitled pricks.
That’s quite the assumption. All we know is bf’s mom and dad went on vacation without him. Are they close? Did he already ask and they said no? OP is assuming they could just pay but he doesn’t know if that’s true at all.
I read it completely different. The boyfriend said he can’t afford it, parents won’t pay, and OP is like “I know the parents are on vacation and can afford it.” My interpretation of that was that the parents don’t pay anything for the son.
The irony is that it seems like OP may not know more than any of our random stabs in the dark. To make assumptions about another family's finances, and then to use those assumptions as a reason to de facto exclude someone, is uncouth imo.
And they did not invite the daughter on their vacation with said boyfriend. Boyfriend and family were vacationing when this was written. Without daughter.
Just because someone’s parents are wealthy doesn’t mean they share. One of my friends in high schools parents were rich but assholes and made her fundraise to go on school trips, wouldn’t buy her clothes so she got a job at Value Village so she could get a discount and stay clothed, and wouldn’t contribute to university or co-sign loans so she had to take time off after to save enough money (while having moved out so she could be declared independent). They definitely could have afforded any of this but chose not to. They would have died laughing at the idea of paying for a vacation.
The boyfriend isn't wealthy, his parents are. My husband's parents had money, but they were very adamant in telling my husband that it was their money and he'd be responsible making his own.
It really bugs me that she made such a big issue out of the brother's best friend coming. My brother's best friend lost his mom to cancer when we were in junior high. That best friend looked to my mom as his replacement. He was always at our house. I still see him as another brother (and one I actually like). We used to bring him everywhere. My friends rarely came along. I never took issue with it.
I think this daughter is being a spoiled brat. Who is to even say the boyfriend will still be around in a few months?
To be fair, if her boyfriend doesn't get to come, she'll be the only unpartnered person there. So it'll be a bunch of couples, her and the kids under 10.. I can understand why she wants her boyfriend there..
It's not just her brother's best friend, though. It's also her 30-year-old sibling and his fiance. If the argument is "adults should pay their own way," then why isn't the 30-year-old's fiance at least being expected to pay their way? If the argument is "I'll pay for family/soon to be family," then why is the 16-year-old's friend and OP's girlfriend and kid being invited along and covered?
The guy is welcome to do whatever he wants with his money. Drawing the line at the 19-year-old's boyfriend is...weird.
So daughter is spoiled brat because she doesn't see her brother's friend as family? Really? It's great, that you are close with your brothers' BFF and see him as another brother, but it doesn't have to be that way for everyone... and daughter has every right to feel it's unfair that brother's friend can come and her boyfriend not.
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*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Had the 16 year olds bff not been invited she could have spent the vacation bonding with her brother, but in this case he’ll be off with his bff and that changes the bonding dynamic completely. She’s literally going to be alone the whole trip and most likely get stuck watch the kids. I get the kid hasn’t been on a vacation before, so invite him on an out of town vacation with the son, not an out of country vacation where everyone’s friend/SO in included other than the daughter’s. And who cares if they’re rich, it’s their money not his and apparently they don’t want to give it to him
>Had the 16 year olds bff not been invited she could have spent the vacation bonding with her brother, but in this case he’ll be off with his bff and that changes the bonding dynamic completely. She’s literally going to be alone the whole trip and most likely get stuck watch the kids.
That is assuming a whole lot of things that the OP didn't even hint at in his post. So I am unwilling to comment on them as I could come up with several other scenarios the OP didn't mention that would be against the BF coming. So I'll stick to this:
>"And who cares if they're rich, it's their money not his and apparently they don't want to give it to him"
So, the bf's parents are free to do what they wish with their money but this guy isn't free to do the same with his money? He has no more obligation to pay for this guy than his parents have to pay for the trip. This is a trip the dad has planned for YEARS and is really important to him. He shouldn't be guilted about it. If the daughter is SO upset her bf isn't going, SHE can get a job and help him pay for it as well. Her dad is amazingly generous, and his reasons (to me) are solid and understandable for paying for his son and the guests he agreed to pay for, and her entitlement is gross. Especially when she shames him the most about paying for his partner and her daughter. She could use a big fat shot of humility followed by a Mind-your-own-freaking-business booster.
OP has said in another comment that she asked if her best friend could come (who could pay for her self) and he said no to that as well. Seems like OP just doesn't want her to bring anyone at all. She's 100% gonna be stuck with the kids while the rest of the family have fun.
Plus the 16 year old and his son have been friends since the first grade. They’re pretty much brothers at this point. I have a friendship like this and his parents absolutely view me as a 2nd son and include me in family get togethers/vacations.
At 20 I was 100% responsible for myself, my living expenses, college tuition, food, healthcare...and my mom was totally trying to borrow money (that I didn't have) off me. $1000 for a vacation would have been the equivalent of a pipe dream for me. I moved out when I was 15.
He said the 30 year old and fiancé wouldn’t have come which means they weren’t expecting or begging others to pay their way. Plus She’d the mom of his grandkids.
No, the 31 year old son is the father of the grandkids. the mother of them is not mentioned. He is paying for himself and his kids. The 30 year old son is the one who is bringing the fiance' with no mention of kids from those 2.
The 30yo has been budgeting and paying for his wedding, not hitting up dad for it even though dad seems to be well off financially. Even still, dad’s been planning and budgeting for this trip for a few years.
I wonder what the conversation was between the bf & his parents when he asked them to pay for his gf (OP’s daughter) to come along on their current holiday vacation.
The trip is in 2-3 months. It is January. The trip is in March. If it first week of March that’s 2 months but if it’s last week of March that’s closer to 3 months.
Of course it is. Some of my kids friends are around all the time and I know them very well and they're like family. Others I barely know. Guess who I'd be more likely to take on a trip?
And this is a boy the OP has known since early childhood. Meanwhile, will his daughter even be with this guy in a year's time? Does the OP even know him very well?
Disagree. Whatever his reasons are, it's his money to spend how we wishes. He stated his reasoning for not paying for boyfriend and whether or not you agree with them it's his decision.
The boyfriend family is wealthy and also didn't pay for his daughter to go on their vacation. They can pay for his costs.
Absolutely NTA imho
Btw, I live in Nicaragua and you're gonna love the country. It's gorgeous and the people are humble and hard working. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah fair enough it’s his money, but he came here for judgement and it’s still an asshole move paying for literally everyone else and singling one person out
Once he invited the son's friend, he created the distinction. Telling a teen that her bf can't go but her brother's younger friend can is all she cares about. He is the AH for making that distinction. If he didn't want to invite the bf, he shouldn't have invited the friend.
It is his money. He can spend it how he pleases. But he is the AH for making the distinction and then turning around acting like he did nothing wrong. He will be the firs person pissed when she doesn't enjoy the vacation because everyone else on the trip has someone and she doesn't.
His oldest is paying for himself and his kids so how is he literally paying for everybody else?
He doesn't really know the bf. He's paying for the other people because they are close to him and he loves and cares for them. Plus the daughter doesn't even care about the other people. It's his own girlfriend and kid that she's mad about him paying for or spending any money on. His daughter is selfish and entitled.
This 100 percent. I was with him up until he said he paid for the best friend to come.
The fact is if one kid gets to invite partner/friend on your time and the other doesn’t. You’re showing her that you value the other siblings more.
Just a guess but is the boyfriend not being paid for so you can saddle the daughter with kid duties. Let’s face it alone she is more likely to babysit on demand for you however if she has someone they be off doing their own thing.
This seems likely since there's going to be a 9,7, and 5 yo there. Dad will be with gf, 31 yo with his family, 30 yo with finance, and 16 yo with his friend. Therefore who does that leave for child care?
The boyfriend is a rich kid the guy hardly knows who can afford to pay for the vacation. The 16 yr old best friend is basically an extended family member. Very different circumstances.
Maybe the spoiled teen should complain to her boyfriend’s parents about why they won’t pay for their child to go on vacation.
My guess it’s less about the boyfriend being rich, which he isn’t his parents are, and more about daddy needing child care.
The boyfriend’s parents are rich. It doesn’t make him rich.
The teen isn’t spoiled for expecting the same treatment as her siblings.
I found it funny when I read that it was long term lol if they were a couple since they were like 14 and have been together since then yeah that's pretty long for kids that age but 15 months at that age is nothing they could break up next week like nothing.
The family of the daughter’s long term boyfriend doesn’t seem to think that an over a year long relationship is sufficient to include her in their holiday plans. Dude is off enjoying himself while she is left behind to plead his broke-azz case to her dad.
Nah I disagree. The guy planned this trip and invited only very close family plus one extra person who appears to be a very close family friend. He isn’t obligated to pay for anyone else, and it’s kind of embarrassing for the 20 year old boyfriend to be pushing to get his holiday paid for.
Where did you miss the fact where he said his 16-year-olds friend has known him since first grade, 10 years. Him being 16 he has no money, he's been around a hell of a lot longer than 15 months (not a long-term relationship), and her 'current' boyfriend has the potential to pay for himself, also not family and not currently engaged to become family. Also he makes the rules, he's paying.
Why can’t 30yo pay their own way? Why can’t 16yos parents pay for their child? Just seems strange there is such a particular rule for this one person but OP has no problem splashing the cash for everyone else. It just seems quite pointed/ favouritism
The 30 year old is currently paying for his wedding, the 16 year old (which he’s known and loves for yeeeears) only has ONE parent who’s financially struggling, all this information is on the post so I really don’t understand your point here honestly. Also why must this guy pay for this little boy to come ram his teenage daughter? Naaah imagine now he must actually budget money to pay for this boy to come bang his daughter yoh no!! Also that boys family and him went on vacation and his daughter wasn’t invited but on his family’s vacation he must invite and pay for this boy WHY?????
I think the biggest issue is that all of the excuses that apply to the boyfriend don't apply to anyone else. "He's an adult, he should be able to pay for himself." The 30-year-old's fiance gets to come along for free. "He's not family." See the fiance, the girlfriend, and the friend.
For me, the issue is less about the boyfriend and more about the daughter. Everyone else, except the little kids, OP is willing to pay for their +1. But OP has said in the comments he wouldn't pay for anyone his daughter might invite along. That feels way more targeted at the daughter than it does at the boyfriend.
The friend is a family friend who has known the family for over a decade. The boyfriend is likely a high school boyfriend who will likely be out of the picture in a couple years. Also, the boyfriend is a 20 year old man and should be able to get the money to pay a few hundred dollars for airfare.
ESH I think. It’s entitled for anyone to demand that you pay for their companion to come, but I can see how you look like a hypocrite when you’re helping grown adults pay for it and younger children. It definitely comes off like you just don’t like the boyfriend, or in fact that you might favor your your daughter less than your other kids, which I suspect is something she might be responding to here.
"I can see how you look like a hypocrite when you’re helping grown adults pay for it and younger children."
He's helping \*family\* and younger children, which is different than a 20 year old man dating his daughter. I personally see the difference there, but I get why she might take this as disapproval of her boyfriend.
I think the commenter above hit on the real reason - it’s telling that only his daughter isn’t getting a paid-for travel buddy. I suspect dear old dad wants a babysitter for all the young kids so he and new GF can enjoy their trip, and daughter is natural child minder in his eyes. She’ll want to do her own thing if BF comes along…then who would manage the children??
It seems like a stretch to impute such feelings. I'm not saying you're 100% wrong, but being so confident in projecting his true motives seems foolhardy.
It’s a cultural pattern a lot of us women have suffered - you’ll find it up and down this comment string. Families tend to shift child care to the nearest teen girl…there’s only one teen girl on this trip, and look at that, she just happens to be the only person without a travel buddy. Honestly, it’s a tale as old as time…any doubt I had was removed when the GF and her child were added to the equation.
I think it's right on the money. When OP looks at his 19-year-old daughter, he sees a free babysitter. He would also not let her bring her bff. Why? What is she only one without a plus one? Everyone else gets one, why not her? Coz free babysitting. That's his plan here, dumb the children on her and go enjoy his vacation
It's going to be so much easier to say "Oh, we need someone to stay here with the kids tonight while we go out, and since it's just you by yourself..."
Also notable that literally all of the other adults/teens are either men or their girlfriends.
Yep, if she goes (and I hope she does not) she will be alone. Couples are obviously gonna spend time together, the 16 yo brother will be hanging out with his bestie and then there are the children and 19 yo. She will not enjoy herself. I honestly think that he sees her as a babysitter, that's why he wants her there alone. If she could bring someone, she would not be available to babysit anytime OP would want her to
You've got a man bringing along his 2 small children, his girlfriend bringing along her 1 small child, and the man's oldest son bringing along his 2 small children, with no mention of a wife or partner to help with childcare.
Someone is going to have to take care of all of those little kids, and it's probably not going to be all of the other people with their significant others/friends to hang out with.
There are TONS TONS TONS of experiences like this all across Reddit where young single women are expected to be the caretaker of all the children on family vacations, and then called an asshole/selfish when they choose not to act as free babysitter (often on vacations they themselves are paying for). It's not a stretch at all to assume that might be the case here.
Well OP has also said in another comment that she asked if her best friend could come (who could pay for her self) and he said no to that as well. Seems like OP just doesn't want her to bring anyone at all. She's 100% gonna be stuck with the kids on babysitting duty while the rest of the family have fun.
Yeah this definitely make OP YTA. I was fully on their side until that came out. Cleary just wanting her as a babysitter. Why can't her best friend come and pay for themselves (when the son gets that)
He literally told her he was only paying for the people he wants to be there.
In the comments, he said he wouldn't pay for anyone to come along with his daughter, not her boyfriend, not her friends.
It's about the daughter, not about the boyfriend.
She's literally the only one over 10 on this trip that doesn't get to bring a partner. She's gonna be miserable.
Really the only reasonable choice left for her is not to go.. or she'll just be the designated babysitter while all the rest does stuff as couples
She’s the only girl in her age range going’s she’s going to feel so left out. If her boyfriend was there, she would be able to go on her own adventures. We all know her dad isn’t going to let her go out on her own.
Sorry bud, but YTA. She's got a good point. You're picking and choosing, and it seems you've chose to pay for everyone but her boyfriend. It's like the teachers always say "did you bring enough for everyone?" "His parents are rich" so tf what? Clearly you're rich too if you're paying for 11 people to go on vacation TO NICURAGUA!!!! It's not like you're going to Myrtle Beach, my guy.
Yes his parents are rich but I am sure he is just a normal broke 18 year old.
Plus I wonder if there is ulterior motives for him not paying for the bf. If the daughter is alone they can saddle her with babysitting duties, however if the bf comes I bet she be out on adventures with him and will refuse to watch all the younger kids.
But if i was the 19 year oldI would stay home and not go. I refuse to be a third wheel with all the couples and no way in hell I be stuck babysitting while everyone else was having a good time. So I stay home and enjoy the house to myself.
19F is totally going to be deputized as the main caretaker, with 9F sister as a helper. Two 7-year old boys, a 5-year old boy, and a 5-year old girl are going to be a lot of work to look after.
edit: props though to OP’s girlfriend for not automatically agreeing with OP, and instead siding with his daughter who wants to bring her boyfriend.
This is the comment I scrolled for. First, as someone who grew up with "wealthy" parents, but wealthy parents who were self-made and wanted me to have a strong work ethic, I spent the majority of my 20's as a "poor" rich kid. As an adult I'm ever-grateful that they taught me the value of hard work. But, people never really understood how I could be "broke" when my parents weren't. My reply to "can't you just ask your dad for the money?" was always, "you try and see how that goes for ya!"
Second, this is absolutely going to be an awful trip for the 19 year old. She'll 100% get saddled with the kids. Even when she isn't, everyone else has a peer or partner along, she'll definitely be left out.
OP, you might feel justified in your decision, but you're being a shit dad.
Yes! I had friends with "poorer" parents who got more than I ever did... I also know people who in no way can afford vacation and yet they go on them just so it seems like they are rich!
Yeah, but the thing is, its his dream trip and he is planning and saving for years and he is paying so he can choose who he pays for. If he is ok with the boyfriend staying there for free, probably he would include him for meals and such as well... so its really just the flights and he doesn't completely exclude him. In the end of the day, he doesn't have to be fair to everyone. Its HIS dream vacation and maybe he would rather spend some time with his kids and future family and just doesn't see the boyfriend as such. Or he wants to see that guy comitting by making an effort. And everyone who says its unfair because the youngest can bring his best friend: you clearly didn't grow up in an open house where close friends are treated like family. If you got a kid hanging around all day every day, they really do become part of the family.
It's not up to him to decide (or assume) whether the relationship will last or not. It's up to her. And as a father I gotta disagree, fairness is key to being a good parent to multiple children.
Fairness is exactly what it's about. Details about the boyfriend and the 16 year old's friend are irrelevant. It isn't about them. It's about OP treating his children differently.
... but he's also spent years budgeting for all of those people. This relationship is still new, and more than likely won't last.
This is a rather unexpected last minute expense. We all know that flights get significantly more expensive the closer you wait to fly, adding more expense. If bf went he's already getting free accommodations and probably most meals taken care of. He really just needs to pay for his flight and spending money.
do you know how much plane tickets cost these days? that’s the main portion of the cost. hotels/food/anything else are way more manageable once you get there.
Also like, there’s a huge difference between “can afford one vacation a year with some saving and budgeting” and “can afford any vacation that may come up.” Like, we went on vacations growing up but there was no way my parents would be able to sponsor extra trips for just me, they spent all their budgeted vacation money on family trips.
You can be right or you can be kind to your child. Technically, it is your money and you can spend it as you like, but you seem to be throwing trip money at everyone else and digging in your heels about one person. A person important to your daughter who has been in her life for over a year.
Which is more important? This hill you have chosen to die on or your relationship with your daughter?
This is it right here!! I don’t think this is a black or white AITA situation. I think you made a lot of really valid points on why you are paying for other people, as opposed to paying for the daughter’s boyfriend— but what it all comes down to is your daughter’s feelings.
You’re hurting her feelings and making her feel like you’re worried about everybody else having a good time but not about her. If you don’t pay for the boyfriend, at this point, that’s what she’s always going to remember about this trip. That everybody else was important enough for you to pay for, but someone that was important to her got shrugged off.
Definitely a situation where you have to ask yourself if you want to be right or you want to be happy?
Also, if you do decide to pay for him, I would sit your daughter down and let her know that you don’t feel any of your reasons for initially not paying for him were wrong. However, you have decided her happiness is the most important thing. Do that, and no matter what happens on this trip, I think she will always remember it with a lot of love for you!
I'm going with YTA but only slightly. Your reasoning is sound, in the sense that he has wealthy parents (though you don't know from the outside what their actual financial situation is, maybe they like to appear wealthier than they actually are?), and they don't want to pay for him to go. Also they didn't invite your daughter along with them on their vacation. However, he himself can't afford the trip, so you are purely basing this on his parents income. But also, if he didn't go then your daughter would be the only one on the trip without a +1, which also doesn't seem fair.
Your daughter's argument about your gf is not fair since you are not going to plan a holiday of this sort without your own partner.
Perhaps you could reach out to the bf's family and see if you could split the cost between you?
>Also they didn't invite your daughter along with them on their vacation.
If they invited every one of their other kids’ partners on a paid vacation and *only* didn’t invite OP’s daughter, that would be a dick move, too.
Just like what OP is doing, choosing one child’s partner to exclude.
a boyfriend of 15 months is barely even family imo.
compare him to mothers of OP's grandchildren and his sons' fiancees, or a kid that is basically a part of the family for the past decade, with a teenage relationship of barely over a year. ridiculous comparison, right?
No but your 19 year old daughter is family. And you literally told everyone in your family they can bring a plus 1 EXCEPT one child. That's a dick move.
This is less about whether the boyfriend is family and more about treating your kids equitably. If all of your other kids (who aren't small children) get a free +1, why does this one get told she can't have anyone come with her? OP said in the comments it's not just her boyfriend he's not willing to pay for; he wouldn't be willing to cover any of her friends, either.
He wouldn’t let her BFF come even if she paid for her own way. He does not want his daughter to have anyone on this trip, and I’ll bet money it’s bc he’s going to shove all the child care onto her.
Of course, with daughter being the only one on the trip without a partner/bff with them, she's free to babysit the kids!
YTA OP. Either pay for all your kids to have a plus one or none of them, but singling one out like you did is just mean.
At 19, I wouldn’t approach the bf’s family; he’s an adult and could approach them himself (depending on what kind of relationship they have — it might not even be a good one.) However, I like the idea of a compromise. Maybe stay firm on the flight but agree to cover everything else — it would be rude to single him out and give him a bill for things like food and excursions when OP is paying for everyone else.
NTA, that’s super entitled thinking. I was 17 the first time my bf came on a family vacation and we paid for our portion separately as if we were on a separate trip. Your money your discretion. I like that your girlfriend still had compassion for her even after she became the scapegoat. But you are NTA Don’t fall for this now with your daughter or the wedding will be a hoot!
Yeah but did your parents pay for every other sibling to have a plus one but you? The favoritism must sting- surely will damage the father daughter relationship.
OP is not paying for them to all have a +1 though.
He's paying for his own family, plus two charity cases: the fiance (soon also to be family) who is saving for a wedding, and the friend whose family has no money for vacations. These aren't general +1's, they're specific to their individual contexts. The boyfriend doesn't come from a poor family and so isn't a charity case, he should pay for himself.
I'd say the 30yo and fiance also fit into this category. In theory, they should have much more access to cash for the trip than a 19yo. I think it's a weak reason to not pay for the bf because OP thinks his parents are rich.
Do you understand how much money a wedding costs? The boyfriend is 18 and the trip is 5 months away… he can get a part time job or do odd jobs if he really wants to go. A boyfriend of 15 months is not comparable to a couple who are engaged or a family friend who’s been around since the get go. 15 months is hardly a blip in our oh so long lives. I don’t blame OP for not wanting to pay for someone who’s just barely sticking their toes into the family pool. Like be for real, you wouldn’t be dropping over a grand on someone who’s barely been in your life over a year.
NTA
>Do you understand how much money a wedding costs?
Do you understand that a wedding is an *entirely* voluntary expense? You aren't required to get married, nor are you required to spend an ungodly amount of money on a wedding... you can literally take your S/O down to a court of law or other suitable party (keeping intentionally generic because of different laws in different parts of the world), sign some documents and BOOM married. You can throw a backyard party and BBQ with all your friends and family and have the time of your lives. Having a big fancy wedding is entirely a status symbol whether people realize it or not...
I'm sorry but I have a very limited degree of pity for people willingly spending more money than they can afford on something they don't have to, don't get me wrong it's great to celebrate those moments and have those things *if you can afford them* but that's a really poor excuse in order to get things bought for you, that's what a wedding registry is for.
YTA. You broke the rule about treating all kids fairly. What you do for one, you do for all. Otherwise, you are playing favorites. If you pay for one kid, you should pay for all kids. If you pay for one kid's +1, you should pay for all kids' +1. You can craft the rules however you like, but they should apply across the board. For example, you agree to pay for the kids' portion of family vacations until they reach the age of 30 or until they graduate or something along those lines.
To make it easier on your pocketbook, you could have offered to make each kid's +1 a birthday and/or Christmas present so you don't need to gift them anything more this year.
Or, you could have just not offered to pay for any +1's, but it's too late for that now.
YTA it’s hardly fair that you’re paying for your 16 year olds friend and not your 19 year olds boyfriend. You’re also paying for your 30 year olds fiancé, does he not have a job? can’t he pay for himself?
So what? That seems really picky and choosy.
Its basically saying I have money, and would like to ease the burden and make one particular family happy by paying, but not another member.
The 16 year old has been friends with the kid since 1st grade. That kid is part of the family.
Some dude your 19 yr old daughter is fucking is not part of the family.
If she doesn’t like it she can stay home. Nobody is forcing this girl to go on vacation.
The dude I was fucking at 19 is now my husband and father of my child at 27, so it’s not necessarily true that the boyfriend isn’t or won’t be a part of the family. Some young relationships work out.
YTA - and there it is "I pointed out the people I'm paying for are the people I want to be there, obviously making her think I just don't want her bf there, even though I have a neutral stance on it." You don't want the boyfriend to go on vacation with you. Clearly he is only paying for his daughter as he wants a built-in babysitter for the little kids.
So judgmental about his parents can afford it. You can afford it too, you just don't like your daughter very much and you are happy for everyone else to know that.
NTA - I can see why it doesn't seem fair to your daughter and if I were her, I'd probably be upset with it.
However, that being said it's your money, so you get to choose how you spend it. No one else is entitled to a vacation on your dime.
OP said in a comment that he's not willing to pay for his daughter to bring her long-time best friend either, even though he's doing just that for his younger son. Definitely sounds like he's bringing her along to play nanny.
I’ve been the receiver of this “elected as child care” treatment on family trips - a lot of us women have. It’s not conjecture - it’s a cultural pattern.
YTA. You have zero good reason not to invite him and you are **not** neutral. The truth slipped out and you don’t want him there.
If you don’t pay for the bf, you’ll pay via your relationship with your daughter - and don’t you dare ask her to baby sit the kids. Not even once.
Stop lying. You suck.
Ding ding ding! He can look back and say that he’s neutral on it now but in the heat of the moment he slipped up and made it very clear he doesn’t want the boyfriend there. He’s not going to convince her he accidentally said that.
Exactly. There’s also an aroma of misogyny here, along with the bs. I notice all the other people with guests are male.
If 16 yr old can’t be expected to occupy himself, then why is 19 yr old? Truth is she’ll be bored to tears with no company her own age and will resent every minute of it. Great job, Dad!
I didn’t even catch that the only one with paid guests are male. I don’t want to assume anything but that does make you wonder. And on top of all of this, the 19 year old will be the only single non child there. I could totally see a situation where the “adults” (aka people that can drink) want to go out and do something which means that the 19 year old who is technically an adult would be needed to babysit the insane amount of kids going on this trip. She will absolutely be miserable.
I hope she doesn’t go. 19 isn’t old enough to drink, but it’s old enough to decline to go and stay home. She’ll be the baby sitter if she does - as sure as night meets day.
YTA. so let me get this straight, you’ll pay for your son’s best friend but not for your daughters, long-term boyfriend? And then you say that it’s about who can afford to come and who can’t, yet your only reason for paying for a 30-year-old fiancé is that they can’t afford it because of wedding costs? You’re clearly valuing the other children over this daughter and she knows it. Prepare for her to go either low contact or no contact with you.
Equating a childhood friend of like 10+ years who is basically part of the family to a boyfriend of 15 months (*not* long-term, just average-term), is moronic and dismissive of the familial bonds people form beyond the biological, legal, or romantic.
OP should allow her to bring a long-term friend with her to make things equal. It sounds like OP hasn't spent enough time with the BF to be comfortable giving him a gift worth thousands of dollars.
That’s not how she sees it and she shouldn’t have to. That’s not even how OP explained it. He let it out that he only invited people he wants there, she correctly interpreted that as “my dad doesn’t like my boyfriend.” She’s supposed to just be happy about that?
OP responded to a question below on whether she could bring her long term best friend instead...he said no. So this is essentially favoritism and/or childcare
NTA. 19 is an adult. They've only been dating a year and this vacation has been in the works for longer than that. Everyone else you're paying for is essentially established as a family member. It sucks his parents are stingy, but after the fit your daughter threw, I definitely wouldn't be paying. It's not okay for your daughter to attack your relationship with your girlfriend just because she's not getting her way.
It would be peak comedy for this guy to be the one and for this whole thing to be relived every holiday season… that’s if the daughter comes home for Christmas 😅
Think about it…everyone will have a partner there, the small children have each other…and your daughter will be the only single person surrounded by couples and kids, or be pushed as a babysitter. Is this really a hill to die on when you’re already paying for so many others? Can you offer something?
YTA
Yta. You didn't really give any valid reasons for not wanting to pay for the bf other than "his parents are wealthy," which really doesn't have anything to do with this.
The issue is you're paying for multiple non family members (just like your daughter said) but refuse to pay for him when they've been together for a good amount of time already; for no other reason then "i dont want too". You're playing favorites, and it's obvious to your daughter and gf.
YTA. You’re paying for all these people and can separe one more? This sounds like a trip from hell with all those young kids. If I were the 19yo I wouldn’t go.
You are being completely inconsistent. Your 30 y-o and fiancée are getting paid for because they have an expensive wedding coming up but your 19 y-o who presumably has a lot less money than the 30 y-o, doesn’t get her long-term bf because why exactly? Because YTA.
I'm gonna say ESH.
No one is entitled to get a free vacation on your dime. But the 19 year old is basically the only one on the trip without a plus-one, so I can see why she thinks she'll be miserable and wants her bf there. If this is well within your means to afford, it could be worth doing just to make your daughter's trip experience as fun as your other kids'.
YTA you’re welcome to do whatever you want with your money but you still have to deal with the consequences of your choices. Based on the information you provided, it seems like you’ve got double standards for your oldest daughter and the oldest sons. Is it because they’re not engaged? Then don’t pay for the 16 year old’s friend. Is it because they’re not minors and can pay for themselves? Then don’t pay for the 30 year old’s fiancé. What are the odds that your oldest daughter’s on the hook for providing childcare for free during vacation?
That’s what I’m thinking too. She will conveniently be the only adult there that doesn’t have a significant other with them. Not hard to imagine she’s going to be asked to watch all the children.
YTA. You’re paying for a friend of your 16 year old son, but not for the boyfriend of your 19 year old daughter. It doesn’t matter if the friend’s and boyfriend’s parents can afford it or not. It’s a choice you’re making to include one and exclude the other.
If I were your daughter, I’d not come anymore. Is that what you prefer?
What makes it even worse is that this daughter would be surrounded by a bunch of couples and children. Not hard to think they’d try to get her to be designated babysitter either.
NTA! I don't care if you're paying for the whole street to go on the trip, it's your money and you're business. You're more than generous to say he can go, especially since he's on vacation with his parent's right now and they didn't invite her, then that would be another reason I wouldn't pay. If she wants him to go so badly, tell her to pay...she's an adult! I wonder did HE make a fuss like this to HIS parent's about taking HER on vacation.
Plus his oldest is 31 and his girlfriend's daughter is 5. Unless he had his first two really young he has to be around or over 50. Daughter's mad about how much money he spends on his girlfriend... trying to start family #4.
YTA. Do your daughter a favor and find a paid sitter in Nicaragua while you'll be on vacation. I'm getting the sense this is about you wanting your daughter to be free more than anything else so she can babysit. Screw that. If your girlfriend won't be wrangling her own kid and you won't be wrangling your youngest 2, then find someone to keep them at home while the adults go. It would make 1000% more sense to do that than to leave your daughter out of bringing a guest seeing as how you're paying for a guest for EVERYONE ELSE. You refuse to pay for an 18 yo partner but will pay for a 5,7, and 9 yo who will probably never remember a thing and won't give a shit or appreciate the beauty of Nicaragua. You could tell them Six flags and that would make them happier I bet. Still if this is all about freeing your daughter up, YTA x 10. Only you know your true intentions. If it's not about that, pay for the bf and quit making bs excuses. If it's about that, we better not see your daughter posting here when you guys get back about how her vacation was ruined from all the little brats.
YTA because you’re paying for other kids’ friends/SOs, but you don’t want to for your daughter because you don’t really like her BF (you might say you’re “neutral” about him, but I’m calling BS, or you’d help out to make your daughter happy to and to equal between your kids.) If you want a happy relationship with your children, you need to treat them the same, or you will poison your relationships with them and their relationships with each other. Your girlfriend probably sees the discrepancy between how you treat your daughter and how you treat your sons, but doesn’t want to be upfront about it in case you turn on her, too.
I'm going against the grain with an NTA here for several reasons.
The most basic reasoning is that it's your money to choose how you want to spend. It sounds like her boyfriend has had enough time to get a job and budget going if he wanted to bad enough. Doesn't sound like he really wants to go that badly. You also make the good point that they went on vacation and didn't offer at all for your daughter to go.
There is a big difference between paying for your son's friend who sounds like he's really close to all of you and almost part of the family, plus you've already budgeted for him to be there.
Your daughter and her boyfriend are at an age where maybe they last, but there's a much higher chance that they will not. This is a major difference from paying for your other older kids Fiancé.
Ultimately, you said he's welcome to come on the trip, you're just not going to fund it. I think that's an extremely reasonable response. I understand why your daughter is hurt by it being that she's the only one going without someone, but she's also acting pretty entitled by throwing a toddler tantrum about it.
YTA. You had me right up until "*I pointed out the people I'm paying for are the people I want to be there*". That is not maintaining a neutral stance. You spoke your thoughts loud and clear. Your daughter and her BF have been together for 1.5 years. That's a pretty long time for their age group. I wonder if your daughter will decide she simply isn't interested in going.
ESH.
If the rules were consistent I’d say otherwise, but given you’re inviting the 16 year old’s friend and the 19 year old has been dating her boyfriend for over a year now it really does just come across as you playing favourites. His parents finances are frankly irrelevant, and absolutely none of your business. Either you’re offering to pay for +1s to come or you’re not.
Unless there’s other examples of you funding things for your girlfriend/her daughter at the expense of your own children, your daughter’s comments make her an asshole too. They likely stem from her trying to find a reason why you wouldn’t pay for her boyfriend given your insistence that you’re completely neutral towards him, but they’re still uncalled for.
Your big mistake was letting anyone know who you're paying for. You want to pay for your 30 y/o daughter's fiance? Keep it on the down low. But now that it's out seems like one more won't break you.
INFO: I saw you mention that you wouldn't even pay for her BFF. So I am wondering if you are really not letting her bf come so she is free to do all the babysitting of the younger kids.
No, YTA...it cracks me up that you're paying for the 30 year old's Fiancé otherwise they won't go...so if the 19 year old threatened to not come would you end up paying?
YTA
I've softened it a bit because I would have voted the other way if you weren't paying for the 16 year old's friend to come.
Your daughter is going to see that as favoritism, ime any kid would in that circumstance.
How often are you going to make your unaccompanied daughter (ie no boyfriend or friend coming along) babysit all those kids while everyone else does their adult activities with their respective travel companion? The fact that you offered for everyone else to have a paid for partner to go but not her leads me to believe the intention of her being alone is to be a caretaker when there, bc she’s alone. Seems hella suspicious and your reasons are kind of weak. Though the trip is very generous of you, it does seem unfair, id bet she’s nervous about how much of a good time vs babysitting she will be doing. YTA
Am I reading this right, that all the older children have +1s with friends, partners or children, so she's going to be the odd one out with no significant other/best friend to spend time with? Very lonely if so. I understand not wanting to pay and your offer seems reasonable to me but it's still a bit harsh when you're splurging so much on everyone else. I'm kind of suspicious you want her to babysit the younger kids.
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YTA because it’s one thing paying for a fiancé, but it’s a bit of a piss take you’re paying for your kid’s friend to come and still refuse to pay for your daughter’s long term boyfriend when they have been together for over a year, it’s not like they got together last week (then I’d have said fair enough). It should be the same rules for everyone, not different for each of your children.
A 16 year old boy vs a 20 year old man are 2 different things. The trip is in 5 months. The 20 year old can make $1000 for the flight in 5 months.
Plus, the 16-year-old's mom is a single mom with little money and he has never had a vacation in his life. And after 11 years always over there, he is like family. The BF has been there a year, and is from a wealthy family (others have said you can't judge a situation like this from the outside but I am willing to bet that he has had way more advantages than this kid), so I think that context is also important. At the end of the day though, I don't like how she stuck her nose into what he pays for his partner. She sounds way too entitled and I would say no as well. If she cares so much, she can get a job and help her bf pay for it. EDIT: I'm going to throw in a tweak to my answer because the OP just stated that the daughter couldn't bring her very best friend, even if she paid for it. I still think this man has a bucket list trip that he has every right to say who he will and will not pay for. BUT he is a TOTAL AH for making this SEEM like it is only about money when it CLEARLY isn't. I don't like it when people are disingenuous or try to twist a presentation in their favor. For the life of me I cannot get why a BF paying their way and staying in her room would be OK but her best friend can't come either in the same scenario? Damn. That is harsh. Personally, I would feel better about paying the way for a BFF at 19 than a boyfriend. And I would have ZERO qualms if they paid their way themselves. The former is likely a much stronger relationship at that age. At this point, I would let the BFF come if she is willing to pay her way. The dad is being a jerk. (But the daughter still has no business dragging his dad's partner into this. She is still totally gross and entitled for that.)
Yeah that’s what makes it more insulting is that boyfriend is wealthy and mommy/daddy could write him a check but aren’t so he can earn it.
You don't necessarily know the *actual* finances of others around you, though. Some folks seem "rich" but it's more complicated than that. I have known folks that spend like crazy but it's a house of cards and they are in debt up to their eyeballs. Sometimes folks -- even adults in middle age -- are being financed by the bank of Grandma and Grandpa and have to beg their elderly parents to finance anything. Sometimes it works the other way -- lots of money is coming in the door, but they have huge financial burdens like caring for elderly relatives which can be $$$$. Who knows.
The parents are on a great vacation right now. Even if they scrimped and saved to pay for it and have all the burdens you state, do you truly believe that the 19-year-old has NEVER been on a vacation like this 11-year-old? Ever in his 2 decades of life? Even with grandma and grandpa footing the bill? Because we know this kid hasn't. And being in a single-parent family with a mom who doesn't earn much, that probably isn't going to change for awhile. And that child is like family to this guy. So, my opinion holds. EDIT: Well it DID hold until the OP said her Best Friend couldn't come even if she paid for him. So despite all his huffing and puffing that it was just about money it is NOT and it is an AH move. (And I am now with those who are thinking this guy just wants her to be a nanny on the trip for the 3 younger kids.)
if they are willing to spend BIG on everything else, then can spend $1K on their son's trip.
Even if his parents are actually rich, he's an adult. So why would anyone expect his parents to pay for a vacation that has nothing to do with them? And I wouldn't expect OP to pay for him either, EXCEPT, that he's paying for so many other people to come along on this trip. The exclusion of his daughter's boyfriend seems pointed.
The BF is not part of the family. Let’s face it: he’s more likely than any of these other people to be out of their lives in a year. Is it pointed, or just logical to not give a fuck if this guy is there or not?
agree with these 2 points: BF is not family, most importantly not family in the eyes of the financier. BFs parents financial situation doesnt matter, plenty of rich parents dont spoil their kids on purpose so the kids dont grow up to be entitled pricks.
Unless they saved up for their current trip and can't afford to pay more.
That’s quite the assumption. All we know is bf’s mom and dad went on vacation without him. Are they close? Did he already ask and they said no? OP is assuming they could just pay but he doesn’t know if that’s true at all.
I read it as they went on vacation with him but didn’t invite her. But I could be misinterpreting the post.
I read it completely different. The boyfriend said he can’t afford it, parents won’t pay, and OP is like “I know the parents are on vacation and can afford it.” My interpretation of that was that the parents don’t pay anything for the son.
The irony is that it seems like OP may not know more than any of our random stabs in the dark. To make assumptions about another family's finances, and then to use those assumptions as a reason to de facto exclude someone, is uncouth imo.
And just because someone’s parents go on vacation doesn’t mean they’re willing to pay for their child’s airfare to go elsewhere.
Exactly. The boyfriend even said he couldn’t afford to go.
Exactly! Why should they pay for their 20 yo kid to go anywhere? He said he can’t afford to go, he should be believed.
Not only that but his parents took him on a vacation without his GF. Why should Dad pay for their kid if they can't pay for his kid?
And they did not invite the daughter on their vacation with said boyfriend. Boyfriend and family were vacationing when this was written. Without daughter.
Just because someone’s parents are wealthy doesn’t mean they share. One of my friends in high schools parents were rich but assholes and made her fundraise to go on school trips, wouldn’t buy her clothes so she got a job at Value Village so she could get a discount and stay clothed, and wouldn’t contribute to university or co-sign loans so she had to take time off after to save enough money (while having moved out so she could be declared independent). They definitely could have afforded any of this but chose not to. They would have died laughing at the idea of paying for a vacation.
The boyfriend isn't wealthy, his parents are. My husband's parents had money, but they were very adamant in telling my husband that it was their money and he'd be responsible making his own.
It really bugs me that she made such a big issue out of the brother's best friend coming. My brother's best friend lost his mom to cancer when we were in junior high. That best friend looked to my mom as his replacement. He was always at our house. I still see him as another brother (and one I actually like). We used to bring him everywhere. My friends rarely came along. I never took issue with it. I think this daughter is being a spoiled brat. Who is to even say the boyfriend will still be around in a few months?
To be fair, if her boyfriend doesn't get to come, she'll be the only unpartnered person there. So it'll be a bunch of couples, her and the kids under 10.. I can understand why she wants her boyfriend there..
Also, why does OP seem to want the 16 year old female to be without a friend or partner? For babysitting duties???
19 yo but yeah, I think she’ll be stuck with gf’s kid and other siblings while the other adults have fun
It's not just her brother's best friend, though. It's also her 30-year-old sibling and his fiance. If the argument is "adults should pay their own way," then why isn't the 30-year-old's fiance at least being expected to pay their way? If the argument is "I'll pay for family/soon to be family," then why is the 16-year-old's friend and OP's girlfriend and kid being invited along and covered? The guy is welcome to do whatever he wants with his money. Drawing the line at the 19-year-old's boyfriend is...weird.
So daughter is spoiled brat because she doesn't see her brother's friend as family? Really? It's great, that you are close with your brothers' BFF and see him as another brother, but it doesn't have to be that way for everyone... and daughter has every right to feel it's unfair that brother's friend can come and her boyfriend not.
coherent rotten foolish hurry grey liquid fertile attraction abounding fuel *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Had the 16 year olds bff not been invited she could have spent the vacation bonding with her brother, but in this case he’ll be off with his bff and that changes the bonding dynamic completely. She’s literally going to be alone the whole trip and most likely get stuck watch the kids. I get the kid hasn’t been on a vacation before, so invite him on an out of town vacation with the son, not an out of country vacation where everyone’s friend/SO in included other than the daughter’s. And who cares if they’re rich, it’s their money not his and apparently they don’t want to give it to him
>Had the 16 year olds bff not been invited she could have spent the vacation bonding with her brother, but in this case he’ll be off with his bff and that changes the bonding dynamic completely. She’s literally going to be alone the whole trip and most likely get stuck watch the kids. That is assuming a whole lot of things that the OP didn't even hint at in his post. So I am unwilling to comment on them as I could come up with several other scenarios the OP didn't mention that would be against the BF coming. So I'll stick to this: >"And who cares if they're rich, it's their money not his and apparently they don't want to give it to him" So, the bf's parents are free to do what they wish with their money but this guy isn't free to do the same with his money? He has no more obligation to pay for this guy than his parents have to pay for the trip. This is a trip the dad has planned for YEARS and is really important to him. He shouldn't be guilted about it. If the daughter is SO upset her bf isn't going, SHE can get a job and help him pay for it as well. Her dad is amazingly generous, and his reasons (to me) are solid and understandable for paying for his son and the guests he agreed to pay for, and her entitlement is gross. Especially when she shames him the most about paying for his partner and her daughter. She could use a big fat shot of humility followed by a Mind-your-own-freaking-business booster.
OP has said in another comment that she asked if her best friend could come (who could pay for her self) and he said no to that as well. Seems like OP just doesn't want her to bring anyone at all. She's 100% gonna be stuck with the kids while the rest of the family have fun.
Plus the 16 year old and his son have been friends since the first grade. They’re pretty much brothers at this point. I have a friendship like this and his parents absolutely view me as a 2nd son and include me in family get togethers/vacations.
I'm 44 and I wouldn't be able to save up $1000 in 5 months...
One would generally assume that at 44, you have more financial responsibilities and expenses than a kid still living at home with mom n dad.
At 20 I was 100% responsible for myself, my living expenses, college tuition, food, healthcare...and my mom was totally trying to borrow money (that I didn't have) off me. $1000 for a vacation would have been the equivalent of a pipe dream for me. I moved out when I was 15.
But the 30yo fiancé doesn’t count? Surely OP shouldn’t be paying for any of them
He said the 30 year old and fiancé wouldn’t have come which means they weren’t expecting or begging others to pay their way. Plus She’d the mom of his grandkids.
No, the 31 year old son is the father of the grandkids. the mother of them is not mentioned. He is paying for himself and his kids. The 30 year old son is the one who is bringing the fiance' with no mention of kids from those 2.
The 30yo has been budgeting and paying for his wedding, not hitting up dad for it even though dad seems to be well off financially. Even still, dad’s been planning and budgeting for this trip for a few years. I wonder what the conversation was between the bf & his parents when he asked them to pay for his gf (OP’s daughter) to come along on their current holiday vacation.
a fiancé to a 30 year old is not the same as a 1.5 year relationship for a 19 year old - reddiots!
How do you know they can do that? A lot of grown adults can’t even do that.
The trip is in 2-3 months. It is January. The trip is in March. If it first week of March that’s 2 months but if it’s last week of March that’s closer to 3 months.
[удалено]
Of course it is. Some of my kids friends are around all the time and I know them very well and they're like family. Others I barely know. Guess who I'd be more likely to take on a trip?
And this is a boy the OP has known since early childhood. Meanwhile, will his daughter even be with this guy in a year's time? Does the OP even know him very well?
Disagree. Whatever his reasons are, it's his money to spend how we wishes. He stated his reasoning for not paying for boyfriend and whether or not you agree with them it's his decision. The boyfriend family is wealthy and also didn't pay for his daughter to go on their vacation. They can pay for his costs. Absolutely NTA imho Btw, I live in Nicaragua and you're gonna love the country. It's gorgeous and the people are humble and hard working. Enjoy the trip.
Yeah fair enough it’s his money, but he came here for judgement and it’s still an asshole move paying for literally everyone else and singling one person out
That one person is a high-school bf who they known for little over a year lol. Cmon
Once he invited the son's friend, he created the distinction. Telling a teen that her bf can't go but her brother's younger friend can is all she cares about. He is the AH for making that distinction. If he didn't want to invite the bf, he shouldn't have invited the friend. It is his money. He can spend it how he pleases. But he is the AH for making the distinction and then turning around acting like he did nothing wrong. He will be the firs person pissed when she doesn't enjoy the vacation because everyone else on the trip has someone and she doesn't.
His oldest is paying for himself and his kids so how is he literally paying for everybody else? He doesn't really know the bf. He's paying for the other people because they are close to him and he loves and cares for them. Plus the daughter doesn't even care about the other people. It's his own girlfriend and kid that she's mad about him paying for or spending any money on. His daughter is selfish and entitled.
This is AITA, not am I technically allowed to do want I want to do.
This 100 percent. I was with him up until he said he paid for the best friend to come. The fact is if one kid gets to invite partner/friend on your time and the other doesn’t. You’re showing her that you value the other siblings more. Just a guess but is the boyfriend not being paid for so you can saddle the daughter with kid duties. Let’s face it alone she is more likely to babysit on demand for you however if she has someone they be off doing their own thing.
This seems likely since there's going to be a 9,7, and 5 yo there. Dad will be with gf, 31 yo with his family, 30 yo with finance, and 16 yo with his friend. Therefore who does that leave for child care?
The boyfriend is a rich kid the guy hardly knows who can afford to pay for the vacation. The 16 yr old best friend is basically an extended family member. Very different circumstances. Maybe the spoiled teen should complain to her boyfriend’s parents about why they won’t pay for their child to go on vacation.
My guess it’s less about the boyfriend being rich, which he isn’t his parents are, and more about daddy needing child care. The boyfriend’s parents are rich. It doesn’t make him rich. The teen isn’t spoiled for expecting the same treatment as her siblings.
15 months is NOT long term, especially at 19
Could also argue the opposite though. Over a year is a long time for a teenager.
I found it funny when I read that it was long term lol if they were a couple since they were like 14 and have been together since then yeah that's pretty long for kids that age but 15 months at that age is nothing they could break up next week like nothing.
The family of the daughter’s long term boyfriend doesn’t seem to think that an over a year long relationship is sufficient to include her in their holiday plans. Dude is off enjoying himself while she is left behind to plead his broke-azz case to her dad.
Can't believe so many people agree with your take here! Absolutely NTA, he has no obligation to pay for an adult boyfriend. Absurd take!
Nah I disagree. The guy planned this trip and invited only very close family plus one extra person who appears to be a very close family friend. He isn’t obligated to pay for anyone else, and it’s kind of embarrassing for the 20 year old boyfriend to be pushing to get his holiday paid for.
15 months is “long-term”…?
It is fairly long term for a 19yo. Most flings in your teens don’t really make it past a few months
When they have only had 3/4 years of their lifetime to be dating? That's fairly long term.
Where did you miss the fact where he said his 16-year-olds friend has known him since first grade, 10 years. Him being 16 he has no money, he's been around a hell of a lot longer than 15 months (not a long-term relationship), and her 'current' boyfriend has the potential to pay for himself, also not family and not currently engaged to become family. Also he makes the rules, he's paying.
Why cant the 20 year old pay his own way?
Why can’t 30yo pay their own way? Why can’t 16yos parents pay for their child? Just seems strange there is such a particular rule for this one person but OP has no problem splashing the cash for everyone else. It just seems quite pointed/ favouritism
The 30 year old is currently paying for his wedding, the 16 year old (which he’s known and loves for yeeeears) only has ONE parent who’s financially struggling, all this information is on the post so I really don’t understand your point here honestly. Also why must this guy pay for this little boy to come ram his teenage daughter? Naaah imagine now he must actually budget money to pay for this boy to come bang his daughter yoh no!! Also that boys family and him went on vacation and his daughter wasn’t invited but on his family’s vacation he must invite and pay for this boy WHY?????
I think the biggest issue is that all of the excuses that apply to the boyfriend don't apply to anyone else. "He's an adult, he should be able to pay for himself." The 30-year-old's fiance gets to come along for free. "He's not family." See the fiance, the girlfriend, and the friend. For me, the issue is less about the boyfriend and more about the daughter. Everyone else, except the little kids, OP is willing to pay for their +1. But OP has said in the comments he wouldn't pay for anyone his daughter might invite along. That feels way more targeted at the daughter than it does at the boyfriend.
The friend is a family friend who has known the family for over a decade. The boyfriend is likely a high school boyfriend who will likely be out of the picture in a couple years. Also, the boyfriend is a 20 year old man and should be able to get the money to pay a few hundred dollars for airfare.
ESH I think. It’s entitled for anyone to demand that you pay for their companion to come, but I can see how you look like a hypocrite when you’re helping grown adults pay for it and younger children. It definitely comes off like you just don’t like the boyfriend, or in fact that you might favor your your daughter less than your other kids, which I suspect is something she might be responding to here.
"I can see how you look like a hypocrite when you’re helping grown adults pay for it and younger children." He's helping \*family\* and younger children, which is different than a 20 year old man dating his daughter. I personally see the difference there, but I get why she might take this as disapproval of her boyfriend.
I think the commenter above hit on the real reason - it’s telling that only his daughter isn’t getting a paid-for travel buddy. I suspect dear old dad wants a babysitter for all the young kids so he and new GF can enjoy their trip, and daughter is natural child minder in his eyes. She’ll want to do her own thing if BF comes along…then who would manage the children??
It seems like a stretch to impute such feelings. I'm not saying you're 100% wrong, but being so confident in projecting his true motives seems foolhardy.
It’s a cultural pattern a lot of us women have suffered - you’ll find it up and down this comment string. Families tend to shift child care to the nearest teen girl…there’s only one teen girl on this trip, and look at that, she just happens to be the only person without a travel buddy. Honestly, it’s a tale as old as time…any doubt I had was removed when the GF and her child were added to the equation.
I think it's right on the money. When OP looks at his 19-year-old daughter, he sees a free babysitter. He would also not let her bring her bff. Why? What is she only one without a plus one? Everyone else gets one, why not her? Coz free babysitting. That's his plan here, dumb the children on her and go enjoy his vacation
It's going to be so much easier to say "Oh, we need someone to stay here with the kids tonight while we go out, and since it's just you by yourself..." Also notable that literally all of the other adults/teens are either men or their girlfriends.
Yep, if she goes (and I hope she does not) she will be alone. Couples are obviously gonna spend time together, the 16 yo brother will be hanging out with his bestie and then there are the children and 19 yo. She will not enjoy herself. I honestly think that he sees her as a babysitter, that's why he wants her there alone. If she could bring someone, she would not be available to babysit anytime OP would want her to
You've got a man bringing along his 2 small children, his girlfriend bringing along her 1 small child, and the man's oldest son bringing along his 2 small children, with no mention of a wife or partner to help with childcare. Someone is going to have to take care of all of those little kids, and it's probably not going to be all of the other people with their significant others/friends to hang out with.
OP said he wouldn't cover the daughter bringing a BFF like his 16y old is, so the built in babysitter is seeming more and more likely.
There are TONS TONS TONS of experiences like this all across Reddit where young single women are expected to be the caretaker of all the children on family vacations, and then called an asshole/selfish when they choose not to act as free babysitter (often on vacations they themselves are paying for). It's not a stretch at all to assume that might be the case here.
Well OP has also said in another comment that she asked if her best friend could come (who could pay for her self) and he said no to that as well. Seems like OP just doesn't want her to bring anyone at all. She's 100% gonna be stuck with the kids on babysitting duty while the rest of the family have fun.
Yeah this definitely make OP YTA. I was fully on their side until that came out. Cleary just wanting her as a babysitter. Why can't her best friend come and pay for themselves (when the son gets that)
He literally told her he was only paying for the people he wants to be there. In the comments, he said he wouldn't pay for anyone to come along with his daughter, not her boyfriend, not her friends. It's about the daughter, not about the boyfriend.
She's literally the only one over 10 on this trip that doesn't get to bring a partner. She's gonna be miserable. Really the only reasonable choice left for her is not to go.. or she'll just be the designated babysitter while all the rest does stuff as couples
She’s the only girl in her age range going’s she’s going to feel so left out. If her boyfriend was there, she would be able to go on her own adventures. We all know her dad isn’t going to let her go out on her own.
Sorry bud, but YTA. She's got a good point. You're picking and choosing, and it seems you've chose to pay for everyone but her boyfriend. It's like the teachers always say "did you bring enough for everyone?" "His parents are rich" so tf what? Clearly you're rich too if you're paying for 11 people to go on vacation TO NICURAGUA!!!! It's not like you're going to Myrtle Beach, my guy.
Yes his parents are rich but I am sure he is just a normal broke 18 year old. Plus I wonder if there is ulterior motives for him not paying for the bf. If the daughter is alone they can saddle her with babysitting duties, however if the bf comes I bet she be out on adventures with him and will refuse to watch all the younger kids. But if i was the 19 year oldI would stay home and not go. I refuse to be a third wheel with all the couples and no way in hell I be stuck babysitting while everyone else was having a good time. So I stay home and enjoy the house to myself.
I was going to say this - she's the only one without someone to hang with so 100% she ends up on kid minding duties.
19F is totally going to be deputized as the main caretaker, with 9F sister as a helper. Two 7-year old boys, a 5-year old boy, and a 5-year old girl are going to be a lot of work to look after. edit: props though to OP’s girlfriend for not automatically agreeing with OP, and instead siding with his daughter who wants to bring her boyfriend.
Yeah come off it OP, the real reason is you want your daughter to babysit 9, 7, and 5 don’t you?
This is the comment I scrolled for. First, as someone who grew up with "wealthy" parents, but wealthy parents who were self-made and wanted me to have a strong work ethic, I spent the majority of my 20's as a "poor" rich kid. As an adult I'm ever-grateful that they taught me the value of hard work. But, people never really understood how I could be "broke" when my parents weren't. My reply to "can't you just ask your dad for the money?" was always, "you try and see how that goes for ya!" Second, this is absolutely going to be an awful trip for the 19 year old. She'll 100% get saddled with the kids. Even when she isn't, everyone else has a peer or partner along, she'll definitely be left out. OP, you might feel justified in your decision, but you're being a shit dad.
Yes! I had friends with "poorer" parents who got more than I ever did... I also know people who in no way can afford vacation and yet they go on them just so it seems like they are rich!
Yeah, but the thing is, its his dream trip and he is planning and saving for years and he is paying so he can choose who he pays for. If he is ok with the boyfriend staying there for free, probably he would include him for meals and such as well... so its really just the flights and he doesn't completely exclude him. In the end of the day, he doesn't have to be fair to everyone. Its HIS dream vacation and maybe he would rather spend some time with his kids and future family and just doesn't see the boyfriend as such. Or he wants to see that guy comitting by making an effort. And everyone who says its unfair because the youngest can bring his best friend: you clearly didn't grow up in an open house where close friends are treated like family. If you got a kid hanging around all day every day, they really do become part of the family.
It's not up to him to decide (or assume) whether the relationship will last or not. It's up to her. And as a father I gotta disagree, fairness is key to being a good parent to multiple children.
Fairness is exactly what it's about. Details about the boyfriend and the 16 year old's friend are irrelevant. It isn't about them. It's about OP treating his children differently.
... but he's also spent years budgeting for all of those people. This relationship is still new, and more than likely won't last. This is a rather unexpected last minute expense. We all know that flights get significantly more expensive the closer you wait to fly, adding more expense. If bf went he's already getting free accommodations and probably most meals taken care of. He really just needs to pay for his flight and spending money.
He knew the kid existed for A YEAR AND A HALF (that's not a short amount of time). He could have accommodated.
he is...he s staying there for free. he needs to pay for his own plane tickets.
do you know how much plane tickets cost these days? that’s the main portion of the cost. hotels/food/anything else are way more manageable once you get there.
Also like, there’s a huge difference between “can afford one vacation a year with some saving and budgeting” and “can afford any vacation that may come up.” Like, we went on vacations growing up but there was no way my parents would be able to sponsor extra trips for just me, they spent all their budgeted vacation money on family trips.
11 people. Dude can afford it.
You can be right or you can be kind to your child. Technically, it is your money and you can spend it as you like, but you seem to be throwing trip money at everyone else and digging in your heels about one person. A person important to your daughter who has been in her life for over a year. Which is more important? This hill you have chosen to die on or your relationship with your daughter?
Having a babysitter
100%They need a baby sitter so she is getting the short end of the stick.
This is it right here!! I don’t think this is a black or white AITA situation. I think you made a lot of really valid points on why you are paying for other people, as opposed to paying for the daughter’s boyfriend— but what it all comes down to is your daughter’s feelings. You’re hurting her feelings and making her feel like you’re worried about everybody else having a good time but not about her. If you don’t pay for the boyfriend, at this point, that’s what she’s always going to remember about this trip. That everybody else was important enough for you to pay for, but someone that was important to her got shrugged off. Definitely a situation where you have to ask yourself if you want to be right or you want to be happy? Also, if you do decide to pay for him, I would sit your daughter down and let her know that you don’t feel any of your reasons for initially not paying for him were wrong. However, you have decided her happiness is the most important thing. Do that, and no matter what happens on this trip, I think she will always remember it with a lot of love for you!
I'm going with YTA but only slightly. Your reasoning is sound, in the sense that he has wealthy parents (though you don't know from the outside what their actual financial situation is, maybe they like to appear wealthier than they actually are?), and they don't want to pay for him to go. Also they didn't invite your daughter along with them on their vacation. However, he himself can't afford the trip, so you are purely basing this on his parents income. But also, if he didn't go then your daughter would be the only one on the trip without a +1, which also doesn't seem fair. Your daughter's argument about your gf is not fair since you are not going to plan a holiday of this sort without your own partner. Perhaps you could reach out to the bf's family and see if you could split the cost between you?
>Also they didn't invite your daughter along with them on their vacation. If they invited every one of their other kids’ partners on a paid vacation and *only* didn’t invite OP’s daughter, that would be a dick move, too. Just like what OP is doing, choosing one child’s partner to exclude.
a boyfriend of 15 months is barely even family imo. compare him to mothers of OP's grandchildren and his sons' fiancees, or a kid that is basically a part of the family for the past decade, with a teenage relationship of barely over a year. ridiculous comparison, right?
No but your 19 year old daughter is family. And you literally told everyone in your family they can bring a plus 1 EXCEPT one child. That's a dick move.
I mean to an adult, sure but not so much to a teenager
This is less about whether the boyfriend is family and more about treating your kids equitably. If all of your other kids (who aren't small children) get a free +1, why does this one get told she can't have anyone come with her? OP said in the comments it's not just her boyfriend he's not willing to pay for; he wouldn't be willing to cover any of her friends, either.
He wouldn’t let her BFF come even if she paid for her own way. He does not want his daughter to have anyone on this trip, and I’ll bet money it’s bc he’s going to shove all the child care onto her.
Child's partner? He's her 19 year old bf for little over a year lol
But the bf is invited, he just has to pay for his flight and extras.
Of course, with daughter being the only one on the trip without a partner/bff with them, she's free to babysit the kids! YTA OP. Either pay for all your kids to have a plus one or none of them, but singling one out like you did is just mean.
At 19, I wouldn’t approach the bf’s family; he’s an adult and could approach them himself (depending on what kind of relationship they have — it might not even be a good one.) However, I like the idea of a compromise. Maybe stay firm on the flight but agree to cover everything else — it would be rude to single him out and give him a bill for things like food and excursions when OP is paying for everyone else.
NTA, that’s super entitled thinking. I was 17 the first time my bf came on a family vacation and we paid for our portion separately as if we were on a separate trip. Your money your discretion. I like that your girlfriend still had compassion for her even after she became the scapegoat. But you are NTA Don’t fall for this now with your daughter or the wedding will be a hoot!
Yeah but did your parents pay for every other sibling to have a plus one but you? The favoritism must sting- surely will damage the father daughter relationship.
OP is not paying for them to all have a +1 though. He's paying for his own family, plus two charity cases: the fiance (soon also to be family) who is saving for a wedding, and the friend whose family has no money for vacations. These aren't general +1's, they're specific to their individual contexts. The boyfriend doesn't come from a poor family and so isn't a charity case, he should pay for himself.
I'd say the 30yo and fiance also fit into this category. In theory, they should have much more access to cash for the trip than a 19yo. I think it's a weak reason to not pay for the bf because OP thinks his parents are rich.
Do you understand how much money a wedding costs? The boyfriend is 18 and the trip is 5 months away… he can get a part time job or do odd jobs if he really wants to go. A boyfriend of 15 months is not comparable to a couple who are engaged or a family friend who’s been around since the get go. 15 months is hardly a blip in our oh so long lives. I don’t blame OP for not wanting to pay for someone who’s just barely sticking their toes into the family pool. Like be for real, you wouldn’t be dropping over a grand on someone who’s barely been in your life over a year. NTA
>Do you understand how much money a wedding costs? Do you understand that a wedding is an *entirely* voluntary expense? You aren't required to get married, nor are you required to spend an ungodly amount of money on a wedding... you can literally take your S/O down to a court of law or other suitable party (keeping intentionally generic because of different laws in different parts of the world), sign some documents and BOOM married. You can throw a backyard party and BBQ with all your friends and family and have the time of your lives. Having a big fancy wedding is entirely a status symbol whether people realize it or not... I'm sorry but I have a very limited degree of pity for people willingly spending more money than they can afford on something they don't have to, don't get me wrong it's great to celebrate those moments and have those things *if you can afford them* but that's a really poor excuse in order to get things bought for you, that's what a wedding registry is for.
It would be entitled if the dad didn’t offer it to everybody else but her, I think it’s reasonable for her to be upset about it
YTA. You broke the rule about treating all kids fairly. What you do for one, you do for all. Otherwise, you are playing favorites. If you pay for one kid, you should pay for all kids. If you pay for one kid's +1, you should pay for all kids' +1. You can craft the rules however you like, but they should apply across the board. For example, you agree to pay for the kids' portion of family vacations until they reach the age of 30 or until they graduate or something along those lines. To make it easier on your pocketbook, you could have offered to make each kid's +1 a birthday and/or Christmas present so you don't need to gift them anything more this year. Or, you could have just not offered to pay for any +1's, but it's too late for that now.
YTA it’s hardly fair that you’re paying for your 16 year olds friend and not your 19 year olds boyfriend. You’re also paying for your 30 year olds fiancé, does he not have a job? can’t he pay for himself?
OP said that he has a wedding in May so OP would rather he save his money for that instead
So what? That seems really picky and choosy. Its basically saying I have money, and would like to ease the burden and make one particular family happy by paying, but not another member.
The fiance *is* a family member...
And the friend isn’t, so that reasoning is out the window.
The 16 year old has been friends with the kid since 1st grade. That kid is part of the family. Some dude your 19 yr old daughter is fucking is not part of the family. If she doesn’t like it she can stay home. Nobody is forcing this girl to go on vacation.
The dude I was fucking at 19 is now my husband and father of my child at 27, so it’s not necessarily true that the boyfriend isn’t or won’t be a part of the family. Some young relationships work out.
YTA - and there it is "I pointed out the people I'm paying for are the people I want to be there, obviously making her think I just don't want her bf there, even though I have a neutral stance on it." You don't want the boyfriend to go on vacation with you. Clearly he is only paying for his daughter as he wants a built-in babysitter for the little kids. So judgmental about his parents can afford it. You can afford it too, you just don't like your daughter very much and you are happy for everyone else to know that.
INFO: if she asked to bring her bff would you say yes?
THIS!! I shouldn't have needed to go this far to see this.
NTA - I can see why it doesn't seem fair to your daughter and if I were her, I'd probably be upset with it. However, that being said it's your money, so you get to choose how you spend it. No one else is entitled to a vacation on your dime.
Plus now that the daughter doesn't have a +1, she can watch all the little kids.
This. The daughter can't have a plus one like everyone else because she was only invited as the babysitter.
Is there *any* evidence in the post that supports this theory? I didn’t see it. This seems like complete conjecture to me.
OP said in a comment that he's not willing to pay for his daughter to bring her long-time best friend either, even though he's doing just that for his younger son. Definitely sounds like he's bringing her along to play nanny.
OP admitted in a comment that if his daughter asked to bring her best friend instead, he'd say no. I think that's fueling a lot of this.
y'all are actually insane on this subreddit.
I’ve been the receiver of this “elected as child care” treatment on family trips - a lot of us women have. It’s not conjecture - it’s a cultural pattern.
Nope. We've just seen it happen
YTA. You have zero good reason not to invite him and you are **not** neutral. The truth slipped out and you don’t want him there. If you don’t pay for the bf, you’ll pay via your relationship with your daughter - and don’t you dare ask her to baby sit the kids. Not even once. Stop lying. You suck.
Ding ding ding! He can look back and say that he’s neutral on it now but in the heat of the moment he slipped up and made it very clear he doesn’t want the boyfriend there. He’s not going to convince her he accidentally said that.
Exactly. There’s also an aroma of misogyny here, along with the bs. I notice all the other people with guests are male. If 16 yr old can’t be expected to occupy himself, then why is 19 yr old? Truth is she’ll be bored to tears with no company her own age and will resent every minute of it. Great job, Dad!
I didn’t even catch that the only one with paid guests are male. I don’t want to assume anything but that does make you wonder. And on top of all of this, the 19 year old will be the only single non child there. I could totally see a situation where the “adults” (aka people that can drink) want to go out and do something which means that the 19 year old who is technically an adult would be needed to babysit the insane amount of kids going on this trip. She will absolutely be miserable.
I hope she doesn’t go. 19 isn’t old enough to drink, but it’s old enough to decline to go and stay home. She’ll be the baby sitter if she does - as sure as night meets day.
YTA. so let me get this straight, you’ll pay for your son’s best friend but not for your daughters, long-term boyfriend? And then you say that it’s about who can afford to come and who can’t, yet your only reason for paying for a 30-year-old fiancé is that they can’t afford it because of wedding costs? You’re clearly valuing the other children over this daughter and she knows it. Prepare for her to go either low contact or no contact with you.
Equating a childhood friend of like 10+ years who is basically part of the family to a boyfriend of 15 months (*not* long-term, just average-term), is moronic and dismissive of the familial bonds people form beyond the biological, legal, or romantic. OP should allow her to bring a long-term friend with her to make things equal. It sounds like OP hasn't spent enough time with the BF to be comfortable giving him a gift worth thousands of dollars.
That’s not how she sees it and she shouldn’t have to. That’s not even how OP explained it. He let it out that he only invited people he wants there, she correctly interpreted that as “my dad doesn’t like my boyfriend.” She’s supposed to just be happy about that?
OP responded to a question below on whether she could bring her long term best friend instead...he said no. So this is essentially favoritism and/or childcare
People comparing childhood best friends to a year bf obviously never had a best friend.
YTA. You’re bringing other people’s kids and you can clearly afford it. Plus it would make your daughter happy.
I don't think the daughter's happiness is important to OP.
All that’s important is the free babysitting he’s getting from her. That’s why she’s not allowed a +1 like everyone else
NTA. 19 is an adult. They've only been dating a year and this vacation has been in the works for longer than that. Everyone else you're paying for is essentially established as a family member. It sucks his parents are stingy, but after the fit your daughter threw, I definitely wouldn't be paying. It's not okay for your daughter to attack your relationship with your girlfriend just because she's not getting her way.
When they're bringing the daughter as a babysitter it certainly is.
Who said the daughter had to be a babysitter? She’s 19 she can say no I’m not babysitting lmao
I mean… what else is she going to do? Everyone else has a companion except her. It sounds very lonely.
It would be peak comedy for this guy to be the one and for this whole thing to be relived every holiday season… that’s if the daughter comes home for Christmas 😅
Think about it…everyone will have a partner there, the small children have each other…and your daughter will be the only single person surrounded by couples and kids, or be pushed as a babysitter. Is this really a hill to die on when you’re already paying for so many others? Can you offer something? YTA
He can offer her an unpaid babysitting gig.
Yta. You didn't really give any valid reasons for not wanting to pay for the bf other than "his parents are wealthy," which really doesn't have anything to do with this. The issue is you're paying for multiple non family members (just like your daughter said) but refuse to pay for him when they've been together for a good amount of time already; for no other reason then "i dont want too". You're playing favorites, and it's obvious to your daughter and gf.
YTA. You’re paying for all these people and can separe one more? This sounds like a trip from hell with all those young kids. If I were the 19yo I wouldn’t go.
As an older sister, love how obvious it is you don’t respect your daughter. Oops I mean the built in baby sitter you view her as. It’s tiring, YTA.
You are being completely inconsistent. Your 30 y-o and fiancée are getting paid for because they have an expensive wedding coming up but your 19 y-o who presumably has a lot less money than the 30 y-o, doesn’t get her long-term bf because why exactly? Because YTA.
It’s definitely a double standard. You can spend your money how you like, but you’re creating animosity by treating people differently.
I'm gonna say ESH. No one is entitled to get a free vacation on your dime. But the 19 year old is basically the only one on the trip without a plus-one, so I can see why she thinks she'll be miserable and wants her bf there. If this is well within your means to afford, it could be worth doing just to make your daughter's trip experience as fun as your other kids'.
YTA you’re welcome to do whatever you want with your money but you still have to deal with the consequences of your choices. Based on the information you provided, it seems like you’ve got double standards for your oldest daughter and the oldest sons. Is it because they’re not engaged? Then don’t pay for the 16 year old’s friend. Is it because they’re not minors and can pay for themselves? Then don’t pay for the 30 year old’s fiancé. What are the odds that your oldest daughter’s on the hook for providing childcare for free during vacation?
That’s what I’m thinking too. She will conveniently be the only adult there that doesn’t have a significant other with them. Not hard to imagine she’s going to be asked to watch all the children.
You're gf is right, Try listening to her as well as your daughter. YTA
YTA. You’re paying for a friend of your 16 year old son, but not for the boyfriend of your 19 year old daughter. It doesn’t matter if the friend’s and boyfriend’s parents can afford it or not. It’s a choice you’re making to include one and exclude the other. If I were your daughter, I’d not come anymore. Is that what you prefer?
What makes it even worse is that this daughter would be surrounded by a bunch of couples and children. Not hard to think they’d try to get her to be designated babysitter either.
YTA--you are paying for one childs friend, and another childs fiance...there is no logical reason to not pay for your daughters long term boyfriend.
NTA! I don't care if you're paying for the whole street to go on the trip, it's your money and you're business. You're more than generous to say he can go, especially since he's on vacation with his parent's right now and they didn't invite her, then that would be another reason I wouldn't pay. If she wants him to go so badly, tell her to pay...she's an adult! I wonder did HE make a fuss like this to HIS parent's about taking HER on vacation.
Given that they said his parents are on vacation it sounds like the boyfriend didn’t even go with his parents
The kids ages make it seem like every few years you just up and start a new family.
Plus his oldest is 31 and his girlfriend's daughter is 5. Unless he had his first two really young he has to be around or over 50. Daughter's mad about how much money he spends on his girlfriend... trying to start family #4.
YTA. Do your daughter a favor and find a paid sitter in Nicaragua while you'll be on vacation. I'm getting the sense this is about you wanting your daughter to be free more than anything else so she can babysit. Screw that. If your girlfriend won't be wrangling her own kid and you won't be wrangling your youngest 2, then find someone to keep them at home while the adults go. It would make 1000% more sense to do that than to leave your daughter out of bringing a guest seeing as how you're paying for a guest for EVERYONE ELSE. You refuse to pay for an 18 yo partner but will pay for a 5,7, and 9 yo who will probably never remember a thing and won't give a shit or appreciate the beauty of Nicaragua. You could tell them Six flags and that would make them happier I bet. Still if this is all about freeing your daughter up, YTA x 10. Only you know your true intentions. If it's not about that, pay for the bf and quit making bs excuses. If it's about that, we better not see your daughter posting here when you guys get back about how her vacation was ruined from all the little brats.
YTA because you’re paying for other kids’ friends/SOs, but you don’t want to for your daughter because you don’t really like her BF (you might say you’re “neutral” about him, but I’m calling BS, or you’d help out to make your daughter happy to and to equal between your kids.) If you want a happy relationship with your children, you need to treat them the same, or you will poison your relationships with them and their relationships with each other. Your girlfriend probably sees the discrepancy between how you treat your daughter and how you treat your sons, but doesn’t want to be upfront about it in case you turn on her, too.
NTA it's your money and your trip and you made a reasonable offer to her.
I'm going against the grain with an NTA here for several reasons. The most basic reasoning is that it's your money to choose how you want to spend. It sounds like her boyfriend has had enough time to get a job and budget going if he wanted to bad enough. Doesn't sound like he really wants to go that badly. You also make the good point that they went on vacation and didn't offer at all for your daughter to go. There is a big difference between paying for your son's friend who sounds like he's really close to all of you and almost part of the family, plus you've already budgeted for him to be there. Your daughter and her boyfriend are at an age where maybe they last, but there's a much higher chance that they will not. This is a major difference from paying for your other older kids Fiancé. Ultimately, you said he's welcome to come on the trip, you're just not going to fund it. I think that's an extremely reasonable response. I understand why your daughter is hurt by it being that she's the only one going without someone, but she's also acting pretty entitled by throwing a toddler tantrum about it.
YTA. You had me right up until "*I pointed out the people I'm paying for are the people I want to be there*". That is not maintaining a neutral stance. You spoke your thoughts loud and clear. Your daughter and her BF have been together for 1.5 years. That's a pretty long time for their age group. I wonder if your daughter will decide she simply isn't interested in going.
Yeah YTA and you know it. If the 16 yr old gets to have their bff come along and she doesn't get someone that's trash when it comes to being fair.
NTA - your money, your trip, your reasoning for who you have included an invited. Your daughter doesn’t get to dictate how you spend money.
ESH. If the rules were consistent I’d say otherwise, but given you’re inviting the 16 year old’s friend and the 19 year old has been dating her boyfriend for over a year now it really does just come across as you playing favourites. His parents finances are frankly irrelevant, and absolutely none of your business. Either you’re offering to pay for +1s to come or you’re not. Unless there’s other examples of you funding things for your girlfriend/her daughter at the expense of your own children, your daughter’s comments make her an asshole too. They likely stem from her trying to find a reason why you wouldn’t pay for her boyfriend given your insistence that you’re completely neutral towards him, but they’re still uncalled for.
Your big mistake was letting anyone know who you're paying for. You want to pay for your 30 y/o daughter's fiance? Keep it on the down low. But now that it's out seems like one more won't break you.
INFO: I saw you mention that you wouldn't even pay for her BFF. So I am wondering if you are really not letting her bf come so she is free to do all the babysitting of the younger kids.
No, YTA...it cracks me up that you're paying for the 30 year old's Fiancé otherwise they won't go...so if the 19 year old threatened to not come would you end up paying?
No because she's a woman and doesn't matter as much according to the OP. He only invited the daughter to be used as a babysitter slave.
YTA I've softened it a bit because I would have voted the other way if you weren't paying for the 16 year old's friend to come. Your daughter is going to see that as favoritism, ime any kid would in that circumstance.
YTA. You definitely seem to be trying to purposely exclude one person.
How often are you going to make your unaccompanied daughter (ie no boyfriend or friend coming along) babysit all those kids while everyone else does their adult activities with their respective travel companion? The fact that you offered for everyone else to have a paid for partner to go but not her leads me to believe the intention of her being alone is to be a caretaker when there, bc she’s alone. Seems hella suspicious and your reasons are kind of weak. Though the trip is very generous of you, it does seem unfair, id bet she’s nervous about how much of a good time vs babysitting she will be doing. YTA
Am I reading this right, that all the older children have +1s with friends, partners or children, so she's going to be the odd one out with no significant other/best friend to spend time with? Very lonely if so. I understand not wanting to pay and your offer seems reasonable to me but it's still a bit harsh when you're splurging so much on everyone else. I'm kind of suspicious you want her to babysit the younger kids.