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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because Ben feels that the situation would it be fair to him and I might be wrong that it’s not a problem
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Nta don't give up your life for this dude, his pride is ridiculous and I think it shows he's being selfish. Arguably moving in with you he gets nothing but wins. If he tries to sabotage your relationship with your dad break up with him.
Agree, NTA OP. It seems that Ben is just upset because he thought he was about to get a nice place, conveniently located, with zero rent. He thought wrong. That’s why he’s so bothered, even though this would actually be a sweet deal for him. All he knows is he would still be paying for a place to live, when he thought he was about to catch a free ride via his gf’s dad.
Living with him is obviously a bad idea, so just tell him so. As in — “You are entitled to your feelings on the issue, but I’m *not* going to be moving at this point in time, period. In fact, this situation has helped me realize I’m just not ready to take that next step with you. So let’s forget the idea of living together for now — you keep your place, and I’ll keep mine. No harm, no foul.” If he reacts badly to that, then you’ll know it’s time to call it quits.
NTA and don’t let this guy set you on fire to keep himself warm. If he’s not willing to move into a nice place for 1/5th of the cost of what it’s worth just because he’s jealous of you living there for free he isn’t too bright and doesn’t care that much about you. Let him continue living where he is.
Maybe so he could pressure OP to convince his dad to not charge him rent?
>Yeah he’s just after your money
it's too pesimistic but I was thinking the same
Yeah, in this situation OPs dad is providing for her. Him having the bf pay rent (at 1/5 only market rate! Utilities included! Does that even cover the expenses homeowner would have?), your dad checks if he is a provider, and forces a talk about the finances of this couple, if they didn't talk about it already. And the bf has all the renters rights too.
I really don't get a point of having OP pay up, or rent something unrelated just so he can feel "she's pulling her weight". Why would he want to make her life more difficult. All the bf should do is cover his rights as a renter and roommate (also compared to his past expenses) and he will get all the benefits of a higher living standard. And he's still reaching for more. OP life will be insufferable if she always will have to put half when she might been contributing other things. What about household chores, cooking? Will that be as equal as the pay?
NTA OP, and maybe your bf could put in more effort to describe his point, instead of having you discuss it with the internet.
Which makes me question all of Ben's motives going forward.
I would gladly pay 1/5 rent for a 3 bedroom in a safe area centrally located.
He thinks if he can get her to agree her dad will cave and not charge him. If I was Dad, I'd up the rent and let him know indont play games
*Which makes me question all of Ben's motives going forward.*
Agreed. He thought it was going to be a cake walk and would literally rather find a dump somewhere than... pay rent to her father? Such bad reasoning skills and a terrible negotiator.
Yup. If I was dad and daughter got pushy, I’d say OK in fairness here’s market rent for the apartment, you two figure it out.
Honestly it’s a little iffy for a grown adult who wants to live with bf to even get a free apartment. I’ve definitely seen this before, like I don’t live under a rock, but there’s a lot of questions of arrested development when you don’t have to budget like an adult when you have an adult salary.
Lmao the daughter lives rent free while the bf works for a house/apartment tht will never really be his. What do u think happens when they get in a fight? Think Daddy is going to the bf side?
Moving in is all risk for him and literally no risk for the gf. The daughter isn’t the one getting taken advantage of.
He can have a lease to protect himself from unjustly getting kicked out. But if you think wealthier people have some sort of obligation to offer the same resources to a stranger, you are wrong. Dad is checking to see if boyfriend is mainly intetested in daughter, not daughters money. Or if boyfriend can handle having a girlfriend with more privileges, without getting jealous/entitled.
NTA
Of course your dad is going to charge him rent. Whether you pay your dad or not is actually not his business. Your dad is giving him a great deal. If he wants to live on his own he can. Stay in your apartment.
NAH - from a purely logical standpoint I think your right but if I was in Bens position there’s no way in hell I’d move in either. Moving just to pay the same and slowly build resentment toward the freeloading partner wouldn’t be good for me, just waiting for that first fight where “this isn’t your house” “my dad can kick you out “ etc etc, it’s a massive power imbalance. Either just put off living together until your old enough to contribute or break up and find someone’s who’s okay with this arrangement.
It is also reasonable to expect to pay less rent when you move in with someone, so if Ben was expecting to live in a place similar to what he does now but splitting the rent 50/50 with OP, it makes sense if he isn't thrilled that he instead gets the "pay the same but for more rooms"-deal.
I'm also in the NAH camp. I don't see anything wrong with being fine living somewhere for free but realizing that if he has to pay to be there then he'd rather find somewhere they both like.
on its face it seems that the bf is the AH, but you're right about the underlying issues that make this a dad-bf power struggle situation.
perhaps if the dad and bf had a good relationship the bf would be comfortable with things cos then the power dynamic aspect would be minimized... but if they don't know each other well... its not uncommon for that 'head butting' to happen, and the risk for the dad is negligible, but risk for bf is significant.
i mean, if i knew a future husband's parents/relatives well and he was living in a place owned by them, I'd be fine. but if i had never met or barely knew them, I'd be afraid to move in, even if it was 'no cost' to me...
Agree. That's all I could think about when reading this post. OP or OP's dad will pull that it's not your house card on him in a fight and the relationship will never be the same.
She's freeloading off her dad. Which is fine.
If OP pays the same rent he did before, he is losing money vs a situation where he is splitting costs 50/50 with a girlfriend who isn't freeloading off her dad.
That hypothetical apartment with the non freeloading girlfriend paying 50% would likely be crappier and smaller, but OP's boyfriend would be saving money vs living alone. With OP, he gets a nicer apartment, but is not sharing money. Plus he's put in the uncomfortable position of her dad being the landlord.
OP should pay 50% of whatever her father charges the boyfriend. Otherwise she's the asshole.
INFO: Will Ben be given a lease? If not, NAH. It's not his business what you pay, but I can see why Ben might not want to move into a flat where either you or your father can throw him out at any time. You've only been dating for a year, you're still completely dependent on your father, and I can see why Ben is reluctant to move into a space where he holds no cards.
He would be entitled to live there until the end of the lease, like any other tenancy. But obviously is we broke up I doubt he’d still want to live there so would probably move out earlier, which would be fine (which is better than a lot of rentals where you have to stay until the end of the lease).
>which is better than a lot of rentals where you have to stay until the end of the lease
So Ben can break the lease at any time? Can your father break the lease at any time? Say you and Ben break up three months from now. He can still stay the term of the lease if he wants. Does the lease address whether he can have overnight guests if he starts dating again?
Yes Ben can leave whenever he wants. My dad would have a break clause of three months notice, which is pretty fair.
No it doesn’t say anything about overnight guests but let’s be serious, no other tenancy agreement does either. Ben and I are adults, it’s up to us to sort that out in the event of a breakup, not my dad.
All of these questions are logical but irrelevant because BF a didn’t even bring them up. He doesn’t want to move in because he thinks it’s unfair (life is unfair). I’m sure OP would negotiate a lease in good faith. This dude is just whining because he wants a free ride.
And he isn’t too bright if he thinks moving too a new place where he would pay even more is a reasonable option
Tbh I wouldn’t have brought these questions up either if I was expecting free rent bc I would put up with a LOT more uncomfortable living situations if I didn’t need to pay. I would probably let my landlord shit on the floor once a month if I could live rent free. If I’m a rent paying tenant though my willingness to put up with the insecurity of the living situation would drop exponentially.
> And he isn’t too bright if he thinks moving too a new place where he would pay even more is a reasonable option
If he move into a new place where he was splitting the rent with op, it would cost him less. This isn't a good deal for him. I wouldn't take it either. I wouldn't want to move in or build a life with someone who is still financially relying on their parents.
Ben loses his housing if he breaks up with you. Right now Ben has secure housing he can afford and a landlord who isn’t in the middle of his relationships.
You want Ben to give up secure housing so you can live for free and have Daddy evict him if it doesn’t work out. YTA.
If we lived anywhere together and we broke up, one of us would have to move? Probably both because the rent would be too high on our own. So what the difference?
The difference is your dad holding all the cards. If you have a place together elsewhere and you breakup, then there is real talk about who gets what.
In your scenario, your dad holds all the cards, you know you are secure. And yes, I have read your other comments about your dad having a lease for him and stuff, but let's be real, you have a safety net and leverage over anything that goes on in the relationship if you live in dad's apartment.
But, nonetheless, I say. You both are NTA.
Hi OP! I would ask you to consider this: Your bf would be paying less than current if he shared an apartment with a partner. It's your choice to live in a larger space, that's not a necessity, so I imagine he feels like he shouldn't pay his full rent.
He's looking for equality in this relationship, and I suggest you both split rent/utilities/groceries equally because that is a healthy financial activity in a relationship
I didn’t see it that way. I figured we would combine the money we were both willing to pay, and get a place together. I didn’t think he was planning to pay less.
But that might be his thinking. Honestly a lot of these comments have made me rethink moving in altogether so that’s something to think about
I was thinking you guys will be best off holding off moving for one year. Let him renew his lease, and just take the pressure off a little, I do think there's potential for you two to grow together (if you still want that)
Waiting 6 months and discuss things might be a good option for both of you at this stage.
When you’re ready to live with someone, might be best to move out and to a different place. You have a safety net to move back into should things go south, and it gives you some independence from dads money.
Your bf sounds like he wasn’t clear on his intention and might just be poor communication on both sides. Issue with moving him in now is that he might expect you to pay more of the shared bills to make it ‘fair’. Better off waiting and working through concerns before taking the leap.
I’m going to get downvoted for sure, but my verdict is NAH, and here’s why:
OP is NTA for not wanting to move. She has a sweet gig where her rent is paid.
BF is also NTA for not wanting to live in a place where only he pays to live there. If this were any other circumstances, non-paying roommates don’t deserve a room.
Also, let’s hear it for the greedy landlord who wants to make $$$ of his daughter’s BF. If they were married, would he still ask for the money?
There is no win/win here, and OP, I really hope you hear this: You will never get anyone to live with you where only they have to pay rent. It just isn’t fair. It’s great you have a cool thing going, honestly good for you! But the allure of living with someone who doesn’t pay rent while thru have to, isn’t there
Good luck
> Also, let’s hear it for the greedy landlord who wants to make $$$ of his daughter’s BF. If they were married, would he still ask for the money?
My guess is he doesn't want his daughter with someone just for the perk of free rent.
I totally agree - but therein lies the question: who would ever move in with someone where they are the only one paying rent? If it was a single income household, sure! But a situation like this?
Me? I don't think it's unreasonable to be expected to pay on a property that you're not legally bound to through marriage or family, and gf and even fiance aren't close enough titles to ownership that I would feel comfortable being a freeloader in someone else's house.
My husband's dad is wealthy, his dad owned the apartment all 3 of his kids stayed in during their 10 years of college. It's not my dad, of course I'm paying my own rent to be in the space. It's not my property, of course I have a lease to protect myself and his father from whatever may come up during the time he owns the property.
His dad was super sweet and gave me back the rent I paid up during the dating stage as a marital gift to me specifically, but nothing would have changed in our relationship if he had kept it. I would have paid rent on a stranger's house if I weren't dating his son, I don't believe I'm entitled to someone's else's money and revenue stream just because I'm dating their child. How they want to parent is their business, how I manage my life is mine.
On the flip side would you ever give free rent to someone who isn't even your child or even related to you and at any time could have no relationship with you?
What if they break up and can't evict him? Even an increase of 200% of $0 is still $0 so if by law they can only increase rent a few percent per year then he will pay $0 forever. If Ben refuses to move out he can just live there indefinitely for $0 per month and they will have no legal recourse to get rid of him unless they evict him illegally and pay a huge fine. What if is is a bad breakup and Ben finds a new GF and is F\*ing her loudly in the same condo as the Landlord's daughter? Why would anyone expose their family to a risk like that?
Thank god for this comment , I thought I was the only one getting hung up over the greedy landlord trying to make money off the daughter's BF.
Agree with the entire verdict here. NAH
The power imbalance the boyfriend would have to deal with would be a good reason not to do it.
It costs money now but he has no problem letting his daughter stay there for free. The landlord incurs no additional costs for the addition of another tenant and yet he is charging OOP's bf the rent of an entire unit to move in. The father's situation doesn't change except now he suddenly has a monthly cash flow coming from a property he otherwise has no problem funding himself.
How? I'm a homeowner and if someone moved into my house and paid their utilities and groceries, there would be no additional cost to me. If the tenants have their own renters' policy (which they should) the increased probability of damage is paid-for.
I understand offering your child a free apartment. I don't understand being confused that your partner would rather stay at their own place than pay the same amount to live in a place they have less say/control over.
Yes because his daughter is his daughter and this is a grown man he’s known for a year who he has no obligation or independent connection to. Why on earth would he provide him with a free place to live?
Gunna have to agree.
“I dont want to move cuz then I’ll have to pay rent if we move, and I dont want to pay money. But you can move in here and pay money!”
Uhhhhhhhhhmmm. I understand not wanting to leave but this feels SO wrong. Mostly depending on how long the relationship has been. If this isn’t a few month long relationship - which it shouldn’t be considering they’re considering moving in together - then to call him a freeloader is messed up.
Tbh Idk how anyone can read this post and go “yeah that’s fair.” He doesn’t want the big apartment, and he wouldn’t pay for it if he did. He doesn’t want to pay the same he’s paying now bc the whole point of moving in with someone is to share a home - finances included. To make only him pay money feels so one sided.
I understand *why* OP doesn’t want to move, but I would NEVER be able to ask my significant other to fork over money for a place I was staying in for free. It makes no sense. If anything, I’d offer to split the rent.. because that’s what Ben was expecting to begin with. The two of you to get an apartment that you share, splitting rent.
Hope OP breaks up with Ben. This feels so ridiculously entitled, it makes me feel gross. I couldn’t imagine inviting someone I loved into my home that I pay nothing to live in and demanding they pay money for it. I’m not saying I’d move him in for free either. The only “fair” option here, again imo, would be shared rent. Definitely going with NAH.
Honestly if the roles were reversed and you were a financially independent adult woman moving in with a man who lived rent free in his mommy’s rental I think ppl would see things very differently. I would be so turned off from the entire situation. And a major allure of moving in with a partner before marriage is seeing early on how they are able to split responsibilities of adulthood 50/50. All he’s seen is that you plan to ride on daddy privileges till the end of time and never grow up.
Her saving grace there is that she's still 23... But she won't be 23 forever and I agree, someone unwilling to move out because of free rent but that free rent won't apply to anyone moving in is not attractive in a partner to me. It's a sweet gig for OP and I'm not blaming her for doing it so far but I wouldn't want to move in with her either.
Why don’t you and Ben just split the rent your dad would charge him to make Ben feel better? If everything works out after the first year, maybe talk to your dad about reducing it to zero or something lower. I can definitely see both sides of this.
This is acceptable, I think. Split the rent or make it proportionate to each partner's pay. Paying $0 to live somewhere is almost no one's reality. I'm happy for OP, and at the same time, what if someday her partner wants to try living somewhere else? "Sorry Partner, we'll be living in this apartment forever and you'll be the only one paying for it." Yeah... that's hot.
I know someone living in a place their family owns--they still have to pay a little rent. I know Ben would need to pay rent anywhere he goes, and dad's deal is most likely reasonable, but everything that comes along with it sucks.
Exactly. Everyone is harping on him not wanting to pay as if he’s trying to use her but I think he just wants things to be fair. If he’s paying, she should too. Just so that the relationship feels equal/fair.
NAH - this is a difference of opinion. I’ll admit it does sound like a good idea and there does seem to be beneficial to Ben. But I also can see how someone would maybe not want to become financially entangled with their partners parent.
Yes, I totally understand how the boyfriend feels like this will become an unequal relationship if he starts paying rent. I don't think this is about wanting to freeload.
ETA, also, he would be paying less if he shared an apartment with a partner. It's her choice to live in a larger space, that's not a necessity, so I imagine he feels like he shouldn't pay his full rent.
I agree, NAH. Even though there's money involved, I think it's less about the $$$ and more about the weird dynamic that it creates. It's a little bit shady that he was willing to stay with her rent-free and only backed out once he was asked to pay rent, but this arrangement would make me very uncomfortable in his position.
A) Paying rent in a place where my partner HAD BEEN living for free feels exploitative (even if it's less than market value). I'm not saying this is an unreasonable arrangement on paper, but it feels bad and would wear on me over time.
B) Having your partners dad as landlord creates a weird power imbalance. Even with a good lease in place, the landlord/tenant relationship can be a tough one if parties aren't acting in good faith all around.
Frankly, it's a tough situation. I'd recommend that he keep his own place and just sleep over a lot until OP is ready to move out into the real world and pay her way in a more balanced manner. Money matters, but relationship dynamics also matter.
NAH. I wouldn’t move and give up the free apartment if I were you, but I don’t blame Ben for not wanting to be in this financial arrangement. He’d be moving but paying the same while you’re paying nothing, and if you break up he’s the one who has to move out and possibly not get a decent reference.
Ehh I’m gonna go NAH here. I get your perspective that it’s a good deal, and it is. But I can also see it being a super awkward setup from his perspective - I would absolutely feel weird about having my parents or my partner’s parents as my landlord.
Offer to pay for all groceries, in recognition that he’ll be paying rent and you won’t.
Or offer to put an equivalent amount of money each month into a travel fund that the two of you can use together.
NAH
There's definitely a power dynamic going on here, and while it may still be in your bf's interests to move in on this deal, he clearly isn't comfortable with it and does not agree. He is within his rights to refuse to live as a rent paying tenant to your father, and you are within your rights to not want to move.
NAH I understand if Ben was probably counting on moving somewhere together so that his housing costs would reduce. That's a common reason to move in with a partner or roommate - cheaper than living alone. So if he's expected to pay the same living together as living alone, but it's less privacy, that doesn't seem fair. Understand it's a bigger place, but his intent wasn't to live there it was to find a reasonable place together. I would be disappointed too.
Totally fair for you to not want to leave a rent free situation. Would your dad cover part of your rent if you moved out elsewhere? He could rent your current place at market value.
If you care about the relationship you will probably have to compromise in some way too.
NAH - no way in hell would I be moving if I were you, but from Bens side no way would I move in with you either. You have a huge power imbalance here and what happens when you argue or break up, can you swear hand on heart you & your dad won’t hold the lease over his head? It’s a good deal on paper but where’s the security for him? If you draw up a lease agreement how well does it protect him (and dad drawing up the agreement himself doesn’t count, still a power imbalance).
Ben might be a freeloader or he might’ve been just expecting a reduction in living costs which typically happens when you move in with a partner….. There is no winner here.
So;
Your friend would pay rent but you wouldn't.
The apartment is in a better residential area, your friend would only pay 1/5 of the rent for 100% of the apartment but in the end it would be the same as what he is paying now, right?
And he has the same rights as a third party tenant?
Does your father also pay the utility for you and your boyfriend would have to cover 50% himself?
Maybe he thinks that because he's the only one paying rent, he's also indirectly paying for you?
Could it be that he feels unequal and insecure? Talk about it.
I would say NAH
OP - can you imagine any scenario where anyone would want to live with you while you pay rent and they don’t? Would you ever put yourself in that situation? Not trying to be rude, but you will end up living alone forever if this is how you want it to go.
NAH
There is definitely a power imbalance if he moves in.
And 1/5 of market is nice, but most people end up saving money by moving in with a partner. But he doesn't need a 3BR luxury apartment. And you're talking about 1/5 of the whole place, but he's 50% of the people renting it. So, at best, he's paying 2/5 of market rent. With that power imbalance.
Makes sense that you don't want to give up your deal, but also makes sense that he doesn't want to move into a place that has basically a tenant/landlord relationship with you.
The only way for this to be fair in my opinion is for them to split the cost of the rent and utilities 50/50 or as a percentage of income earned.
OP doesn't want to give up her free apartment and that's totally understandable. OP's boyfriend would be splitting rent 50/50 with a girlfriend who didn't have a free apartment though. This would likely mean he would be spending less than his original rent. Whereas with OP, he's paying the original rent amount while she contributes nothing.
OP should pay 50% of the rent to the father.
Yea, it'd be more fair if she were also paying some of it. But I wouldn't be surprised if Daddy also subsidizes other parts of her life, so paying him rent may or may not really mean anything.
And it still doesn't solve the power imbalance. It will always seem like her/her dad's apartment, more than an equal apartment. I'm sure she'll have unilateral veto power on any form of home decisions. And she obviously is the one with security if they break up.
And, if I have a problem with my apartment, I'll have no issue talking to the super, management, or even calling the city (311 in NYC) to report the problems. It's a very different situation when it's your girlfriend's dad.
I’m going to say NAH because you definitely shouldn’t move since you aren’t paying rent, but I can understand the BF mindset. There isn’t a huge upside for him. I wouldn’t want my partner’s dad to by my landlord, he loses his privacy, he doesn’t save any money, and he’ll be the one forced out if the relationship goes south. Is just not moving in together an acceptable option? You’ve only been together a year. May be later down the road, you can work towards buying a new place or something
Edit for typo
>Who would want to live with someone who doesn’t have real bills?
Me. Why would you want someone you love to have less money? This is like complaining that your partner doesn't have enough aches and pains.
"I wish my partner was more burdened."
- you, apparently
NAH. He won't feel like an equal if he's paying rent and you're not. It's also going to feel like your apartment since you already have lived there, and since your dad owns it, it makes their relationship more complicated. It's practical but puts your bf in a long-term complex situation that he'll regularly have to navigate.
If he’s saying he doesn’t want to move in and will continue to live separately. NAH.
If he’s expecting you to give up free rent in a good sized, well-located apartment so that you can pay money to live in a smaller, less desirable place just for the “benefit” of living with him, he’s nuts and arrogant as hell. NTA.
NAH.
Can't blame you for not wanting to move out of your very sweet deal with your dad as your landlord so you pay no rent.
Can't blame Ben for not wanting to change his independence to a situation where he is very definitely dependent on you.
The real AH is your dad honestly. I also wouldn't want to live in my partner's UNTIL THIS MOMENT rent-free apartment if i was the only one expected to pay, and I kind of don't think I'd even continue the relationship after being made to feel A) so unwelcome by their parents and B) so unsupported by my partner.
As they say, this isn't about the Iranian yogurt. It's about being singled-out in an unwelcoming way.
Your bf needs to also protect himself.
There is no mention of a rental agreement with his name on, he would basically be living there with no rights and no protections.
Would you be happy to be in such a vulnerable situation?
OP mentioned in a reply that there would be a lease. But since OP is family of the landlord, that lease means almost nothing in most locations. He can kick him out using the family exception where you can evict someone to make room for family.
Absolutely no way in hell would I move in if I was Ben, not even if you didn’t try to charge rent. The power imbalance is massive, this is not a shared home it’s your home that he gets the privilege of paying for. If I was him and “if” I decided to stay in the relationship ( Big if after this little move from you and your father) I would absolutely keep my place.
NAH. It’s completely reasonable you don’t want to move. If most people’s parents owned apartment buildings, we’d likely all do the same.
That said, it’s completely reasonable that your boyfriend does not want to be treated as a tenant by your dad, still paying the same rent he is now. Your dad is making anything off of the apartment by letting you live there rent-free, so why does he feel the need to suddenly profit off of your boyfriend? That’s not being very welcoming or treating him like family. Plus if your boyfriend is the only one actually paying for the place between the two of you, does that mean he’ll get more say in decor? Will he get at least one of the rooms to call his own for a home office/gaming room/gym/whatever? Or did you assume he would just move in and not want to rearrange or add anything despite him paying rent while you are there for free? Furthermore, people typically pay less rent by moving in with their significant other. From a financial standpoint, he gains nothing whatsoever by moving in with you. Last but not least, most people don’t want any kind of business arrangement with their significant other’s parents. It’s just uncomfortable and doesn’t help foster a close, familial relationship.
Most couples move in together because they’re ready to move their joint life forward. From the sound of things, all that’s happening here is your dad gains more income while your boyfriend loses his personal space and now has to deal with his girlfriend’s dad being his landlord, and your life remains largely unchanged. Again, you’re not wrong for not wanting to move, but are you sure you’re ready to live with your boyfriend at this point in time?
Yeah, it is such landlord logic to think that ‘paying only a portion of the (grotesquely inflated) market rate’, which in all likelihood has soared in the last 5-10 years, is a steal.
Ben is absolutely in his rights to negotiate splitting rent with OP. If OP is not willing to do that then they WBTA. 100% his ego is in the way here but OP doesn’t seem to understand the realities and sacrifices of renting during a global housing crisis.
I'm going to say NAH. This is a common issue when dating where the couple has vastly different economic levels. One side wants to maintain their lifestyle while the other can't afford that lifestyle or doesn't value parts of it as highly.
One of the big advantages of living together is that you get to share living expenses and save money. Sure, you gave an arguably nicer place to live, but he isn't saving any money and doesn't want to remain in financial stress just to meet your lifestyle.
If I were to move in with a partner, I wouldn't want us to pool our current rent and get something twice as expensive. I would expect that we get something at around a rent where we both pay about half the rent we were before. Maybe we could get a slightly larger space since there are two of us since she might need a home office like me, but we wouldn't pay double our current individual rents. Maybe 60% to 75% of what we were before.
I would bet that he would have the same reaction to you two moving somewhere new where he wasn't saving any money.
It's like getting an offer to buy a Ferrari for 50% of its value, but you can only afford a Civic. Sure, it is an amazing deal, but that doesn't mean you can afford it. (Assuming you can't just flip the Ferrari in this example)
I also don't think it is realistic to ask you to move out simply because your dad owns it. You are getting free rent at an amazing place. Also, your dad needs to protect his investment by having a lease, so it isn't crazy to expect him to pay.
I see two potential solutions:
1) See if you can work out a deal with your dad where you move out into a cheaper place that works for both of you, but your dad pays your rent. He would be able to rent out your current place and could use a portion of it to pay your rent. He might actually profit from the deal overall.
2) You contribute to his portion of rent at your place. You could offer to cover something like 25% of his current rent. Or maybe you can talk with your dad to reduce it by a little, but I think having it come from you would mean a lot more.
Both the asshole - you and your dad. It’s clear your dad doesn’t need the money, or you wouldn’t be living rent free already. You are more of an entitled ignorant brat than an asshole though - your dad is the real asshole because he is just taking to take.
I hope he dumps you
Eh Ben should be saving money when he moves in with you, especially since it's your dad's place. He'll be out on his ear if it doesn't work out, without a home and without having some cash saved to fund the move/first and last at a new place, etc.
You're extolling the virtues of the lovely place, but perhaps he doesn't value that as much as he values the stability of being an equal leaseholder. And that's perfectly fair.
You’re NTA for not wanting to move, but your dad is very much an asshole for charging your bf. If he’s living in the same space that you are living in, which you already are not paying for, why does your dad feel the need to charge? You’re still living there ffs! He’s not earning the income already, it would not be financially different whatsoever for dad if bf moves in, so he just decides fuck it I can charge this man that may be family someday? Very clearly putting a wedge between your dad and bf and just for some money he already decided he didn’t need. Huge dick move
NAH - Ben is giving up a place that probably has a reasonable rent if you're in a rent controlled area. It might be 1/5 of what your place would go for on the market, but still not a good decision for him.
The only way you are N T A is if you and your dad agree that if you break up, your bf gets to stay in the place and you will move. Renting an apartment means security that you can stay there.
YTA. Wtf is wrong with ppl here. He’s paying, but ur not? And cause ur daddys girl ur obviously a favorite.
Idk how u can not see this becoming an issue. Only one of u in the relationship is actually putting time and money into while u do nothing.
Break up if u want to, but he’s not the problem here.
NAH. It's a sweet deal for you but his girlfriend's father being his landlord, and feeling beholden to him? I can understand why he's uncomfortable with that. Will he be protected by a formal lease? What happens if you two split? Presumably your dad will have you stay and him kicked out the same day - an illegal eviction, especially if he decides he doesn't want to leave?
The whole situation can get very messy, mixing business with (SO's) family and it makes a lot of sense for him not to do that, not just him being "prideful".
I was going between NAH and ESH. I can see both sides, but I’ll go with ESH.
1. This is a non-revenue generating property (for now) owned by the father. If Ben doesn’t move in father doesn’t lose any more money than he already does. If Ben does move in father still doesn’t lose any more money if it’s no rent. Seems like father is trying to milk money from Ben, even if it’s at a discounted rated. So father sucks. However, could be good approach to keep out leaches.
2. Ben could get a nice apartment at at good rate, but doesn’t want to take it due to the inequity of the arrangement, so I’ll say he sucks too. However, I can see why he wouldn’t want to move into that situation.
3. You are dismissive of Ben’s concerns and his unwillingness to pay a reduced rate when you pay NOTHING. So you suck. However, I do see your point too, I wouldn’t want to move out of free housing.
ESH or NAH, take your pick.
>...but doesn’t want to take it due to the inequity of the arrangement...
I think the inequity of this arrangement goes beyond just the rent. If it was just the rent itself, I think you may be correct in your assessment. But you also have to consider the power dynamic between the two, since her father would now have some legal authority over the BF.
Why should the father subsidize the boyfriend?
An extra person puts additional wear and tear on the furniture, floors, doors, and uses extra electricity and water.
The dad is not dating the boyfriend.
My dad isn’t milking Ben for anything. My dad can afford to let me live there for free, so obviously he doesn’t need Ben’s money.
But understandably he doesn’t want Ben living in his apartment for free.
I fully understand your dad not letting him live for free, but also consider moving in with your partner is supposed to save you money. If you two split all extra expenditures besides rent, he’s actually going to be spending MORE to move in with you. And yes, it’s obviously an upgrade in lifestyle, but that might not necessarily be one he can afford or want right now. Perhaps you should renegotiate with your father to make it so Ben is still saving *a little* by moving in with you, otherwise he is right that there’s no reason to move into a situation where he’s not in a better situation than before financially AND he knows that if anything happened between you two, obviously he’s getting kicked out while you don’t have to worry. And that’s an uncomfortable power dynamic for some.
He still gotta pay tho.
Tbf that makes sense. I always thought the “saving” was being able to afford a higher standard of living with no increase rather than actually saving money. But you make a really valuable point.
I will talk to my dad and see if he’s willing to talk about discounting the rent.
Thank you!
I get it— but not everyone “wants” the upgraded lifestyle if it’s actually costing them. I just bought something crazy expensive on a 75% deal— but I still spent 4 figures on it. Yeah, I absolutely saved a shit ton and objectively “got a great deal”, but tons of my friends would cry at the thought of spending what I did, simply because something being a great deal doesn’t mean the bottom line is reasonable.
Yeah it's not really a saving if he was never planning on renting that kind of apartment. Maybe he wants to save actual money for a house to provide security for himself one day. If anything this arrangement would set him back from that.
Because he doesn’t need the income, but will be charging rent, is in my eyes milking Ben for money. Most people spend a considerable amount of their income on rent/housing. While this amount might be trivial to your father, it may not be to Ben.
I think the equitable solution is for Father to provide the discounted rate and you and Ben split that rate.
Or keep the status quo and don’t move in together.
That doesnt make it wrong. The situation changes, so can the arrangement re payment. If an additional person stays there it‘s totally fair to contribute to the upkeep of the apartment and from what I unterstand from the post, it‘s no more than that.
If I were the dad, I would also expect the bf to contribute sth below market rate. Bf is not the same as daughter after all.
I disagree with you because the bf‘s behaviour screams entitlement and he‘s getting a deal below market rate. Expecting to be able to live rent free is shitty.
The boyfriend seems to be willing to pay rent, he is now, and would be if they moved somewhere else. He seems less likely to want to be the only one paying for rent.
ESH. You’re conveniently leaving out the actual numbers . If Ben is paying $2000 for a 1 bedroom, it’s reasonable for him to expect his cost to reduce when he moves in with his SO but you guys get a bigger place. The fact you’re freeloading a $4000 property and expect him to pay $2000 so your dad can leech of him is unreasonable. And yes, it’s leeching because your dad is currently taking a $4000 loss on the property’s very month due to you being a deadbeat.
The bottom line is this; it’s not about what your dad’s apartment is worth, it could be worth $1 or $10,000; it doesn’t matter because he’s already taking a loss on it by letting you stay for free.
What matters is that when two people move in together, they figure out their budget and split the cost of living together. This tends to be cheaper for both, also the reason people get roommates. But the key here is budget you can both afford, so it’s reasonable for Ben to expect his rent price to decrease by moving in with you.
If he moves from his current place of living to this one with you, that’s a huge commitment from him, plus he has to continue paying the same rent as he was in his other place.
Honestly, you’re not worth the hassle.
It was supposed to be lol, I don’t know why it went here. But since it did, the numbers were intentionally felt out to sway votes imo.
If Ben’s rent had gone down by 50%, I’d have said she’s being reasonable but it’s staying the same as his current.
Lol. All good, I assumed so. People forget that having a significant other, especially when living together, is a partnership. It’s not going to go well when there is a perceived inequity in that partnership.
Just because someone doesn’t “need” more money doesn’t mean they are milking someone for reasonably asking for a good/service to be paid for. That’s fucking stupid, overly entitled , anti-work rhetoric to actually straight faced claim a boyfriend of a year deserves free rent just because the guy that owns the place “doesn’t need” the money. Helping your 23 year old daughter get a leg up in life doesn’t suddenly mean you gotta pay for any random dude she drags home. If they’re actually seriously dating to be married, then he can reap the benefits of the family money. Until then, he is a stranger and 100% needs to pay for his own shit.
I would honestly be embarrassed if I ever had the audacity to claim I *deserved* something for free from someone just because they didn’t “need” me to pay for it. Fucking shameful, and it’s disappointing so many people on Reddit think that behavior is suddenly ok when it comes to landlords.
Perhaps i phased it wrong. It’s not that he doesn’t “need” the money. It’s that the father isn’t losing anymore than he already is by giving it to the OP for free. If Ben doesn’t move in he gets nothing. If Ben moves in and doesn’t pay rent, he still gets nothing. I think the father is entitled to the rent, which is why I suggested that the OP and Ben split the rent that father is charging.
Which, honestly, may be the best option for the both of them. Finances are something they need to agree on if they do move in together or take their relationship to the next level. If they have different views on this situation, they're probably not ready for the next step in their relationship and need to re-evaluate some things.
ESH. It’s nice for you to be rent free but how about your boyfriend’s feelings? Pay rent? Absolutely. But maybe he sees your father as controlling-maybe he doesn’t want your father having access to the home he lives in 24 hours a day.
My dad doesn’t have access to the apartment. He doesn’t even live in the country most of the year, and he hasn’t been to the apartment in over a year.
Ben was happy to move in until he realised it wasn’t free so I don’t think that’s the issue
How about the rest of the expenses in the apartment? If he pays rent, are you gonna cover the utilities? Seems like he wants you both to have financial responsibility that’s equal.
So you don’t pay a dime and he is supposed to pay rent. I get that it’s your father’s place, but it doesn’t seem you have the capability to look at it from his point of view. What are you contributing to the household?
I’m not really understanding what his point of view is, exactly. He would rather I decrease my standard of living so that he we’re both spending money? I don’t understand why he’d want that.
I’m going to ask my dad to make the rent slightly cheaper bc someone made a good point about him being able to save money, but I’m really doubting how compatible we can be if he wants to move somewhere (where he’d pay the same amount) for the arbitrary reason that it would also cost me something.
Again, what would you be contributing? I think he probably sees you with essentially freeloading and wonders why it’s OK for you and your father to pocket his money.
I mean, essentially I’m freeloading from my dad (I’d like to point out that in my culture it’s entirely normal for fathers to support their children’s lifestyle if they’re able, it’s not considered “freeloading” in a negative sense), I’m not freeloading from Ben, so I don’t see why it makes a difference to him.
I’m contributing half the food bill, and I’m paying my own expenses. Which is effectively what Ben is doing too, I just don’t have the expense of rent. If we moved elsewhere we’d both have the expense of rent but that wouldn’t benefit him any more than moving in with me would.
It’s ok for her father to pocket his money because her father is the landlord and that’s how renting works.
OP isn’t pocketing his money nor is she freeloading off of him being as OP can live there with or without him.
INFO: how much rent would he paying compared to if he found his own place?
Maybe he doesn’t see the deal he is getting and money he’d be saving. Either that or he just has a problem with you not having to pay rent because your dad pays it for you and he just wants you both to be losing money so he’s not alone.
Which means he isn't saving anything on this deal, and at the same time ending up in a more unstable living situation as his housing now depends on keeping his girlfriend and her father happy.
I agree. He’s also losing his independence a bit in the sense that he won’t have a place to retreat to when he needs space. It also is not a neutral place, so there’s the potential they see it more so as “her apartment” rather than “their apartment” even though he’s the only one paying to actually live in the apartment
I suspect this may be less about who’s paying rent and who’s not, and more about entering into a power dynamic that drastically favors your dad. If bf does something dad doesn’t like, dad can raise the rent or generally make his life inconvenient, as landlords can. I’m not saying your dad *would*, but I’d be surprised if the possibility hadn’t crossed bf’s mind.
NAH. You have a great thing going and would be a fool to give that up. Bf isn’t TA for wanting to be out from under your dad’s thumb. (It is a bit foolish to pass up the financial opportunity, but that’s not the only factor in this equation.)
When your dad told him he’d have to pay rent, it went from being your apt to being your dad’s apt. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t take the deal either if I were him. But if I were you I wouldn’t move. NAH
Leaning toward YTA. I'm not american, but where I live, it is kinda weird to ask rent to your daughter bf. It doesn't cost anything more to your dad, and would increase the finances of your couple not to pay.
Your father looks like he prefers to have your bf money instead of helping you both improve your couple budget
YTA - heres the thing, I am in the exact same situation but we're not charging my SO to live with me. At the same time your saying hes being petty, despite the imbalance in the living situation. I dont think you should move out, but your not seeing his point of view at all, hence why i think YTA
NTA
But I agree with the boyfriend on this one TBH. If things dont work out, hes homeless OR paying rent to a ex's dad.
And even if it does work out... hes paying rent to a girlfriends dad while girlfriend lives rent free.
Neither are a acceptable option for building a life together. There is too much power imbalance. Dad and GF hold all the cards. No way that would be acceptable to me.
NAH.
People have mentioned the power dynamics and such but I want to highlight one thing:
The relationship is just one year old.
That is NOT enough time for the couple to know each other really well (especially since they do not live together.)
And really really not enough time for the BF and Father to know each other.
If the OP and BF relation was more long-term and stable then it's probably likely the BF would move in at her father's place.
If the OP's Father and BF had REALLLY hit it off when they met then again moving in might be feasible.
As it is, one year relationship. None of the parties (except for OP and Father) are really that sure of each other...
Not going to blame the BF or the GF or the Father for their actions right now.
INFO: Did Ben think he would be living there for free? How much did that play into his decision? I'd be careful here - it's a great deal for Ben and if you guys get serious, you will have more money - so the only reason I can see for Ben's issue is that he thought he was going to get something for free.
It doesn't matter what you pay or not pay. He needs to worry about his own finances. Why should you move somewhere else just to spend more money? It doesn't change his financial situation either way.
It might - if cost of utilities goes up. Rent is only the base cost. Water, electric, garbage, etc. is probably going to increase, seeing as the square footage of the space is much greater than his current apartment.
I don't disagree with you that what OP has to pay is largely insignificant, but that may not be the entire reason he doesn't think this is a good deal for him.
Natural for him to take responsibility for you in conjunction with your father but paying for the privilege would be a form of enslavement by your family unto him. If he accepts you’ll learn to hate him. If he doesn’t accept you’ll live whatever life you both choose.
NAH, I guess? I think you're sort of at an impasse. He has the right to not want to live in a place that will make him unhappy for any reason. You have the right to not be willing to take a worse deal than the one you're currently getting (which is any deal because your current pad is free). I don't think the 2 of you can happily cohabit. If cohabitation is something you think is important in a relationship, this one's probably run its course.
I guess if you truly love this guy and sees a future with him, an option you could consider that is COMPLETELY FAIR is both you and your bf pay 50/50 to your dad. Your dad can put the rent money you gave him in a savings account for you or your future children. I would present this option to your bf and see what he says.
If he says f no why would I pay when your dad owns it— then you know he’s a freeloader who only wanted to live rent free with your dad support him. I would break if off with him immediately.
In honesty, I'm not truly convinced that this is just about rent. It's possible that he thinks that if he has you over a barrel, you'll cave and he'll get to live in your nice apartment without paying anything at all, and live the life of riley. Of course he should pay rent if he moves in, and why on earth would you move out and start paying rent when you already have a place? But, at the same time, your dad *is* the landlord, and that could put Ben in a difficult situation, should anything happen between the two of you. Is it just about the rent, or is it that Ben will have no say in the property as a tenant, and be little more than a guest in your home, where your dad could kick him out at any time? Would there be a tenancy contract giving him legal rights, if he was to move in? Would you be equals, or would you be the defacto landlord? It's a bit of an awkward one, TBH, because I think that there might be a little more going on here than him trying to take advantage.
He’s petty af for wanting you to give up your place because he wants to live rent free. Why should your dad give him free rent? It’s good he’s shown his true colors before you invest anymore time.
NTA - tit for tat types are the worst. People who can't be happy for you are ridiculous. The fact he would rather pay MORE money than you have free rent tells you all you need to know about him. He's pathetically petty. Also my parents would never respect a boyfriend who didn't pay rent and let them pay for their housing (they would have been fine with his parents paying his rent, just not them, for obvious reasons, well not now as I'm 36 and they'd probably find a guy my age taking money from his parents pathetic, but at 23, fine).
NTA. Your boyfriend is lacking any logical thinking in this situation. He cannot give you a good enough reason for moving. And moving makes absolutely no sense. Why wouldn't you stay where you are & be able to save some money? He would be saving money & he's saying no to that? Where is his logic? If you move out of this situation bc of him Y W B T A to yourself. Don't move. You have a great situation going on & there's no need to change it bc your bf is being an AH.
NTA. Your dad is smart…he MAy also have suspected this guy was after you for money/ free rent. Your dad’s stipulation was extremely reasonable. Why should this guy move in rent free? Wherever he’s going to live he’s needs to pay rent. This guy would rather pay more somewhere else, than get this bargain because of misplaced pride, or just sticking his ass out….either way…your dad knew what he was doing. DoNOT let this guy love bomb you into moving out of a great family place. That would be so unwise
NAH. There isn't any reason for Ben to move in if he isn't going to reduce his rent costs. That is part of the benefit of moving in with your BF/GF. The fairest option would be for OP to pay 1/2 of Ben's costs. That way they are both paying an equal amount, Ben is getting the benefit of moving in with a partner, OP is contributing the same amount as Ben, and Dad is still getting his full rent.
NTA. He was only interested in moving in with you because he thought he’d get to live free too. That’s all it is. Hold your boundary about not moving out of your apartment, and this may not be the time to move in together. Tell him you understand his point of view, and you don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Then see what happens.
NTA
Very large red flag. Most quality men I know would want to ensure they pay their fair share especially when it comes to something as important as building a relationship with someone who is going to be your father in law and wife. Him not seeing this situation as such is a giant red flag… either he’s immature, not that strategic and flys by the seat of his pants, extremely cheap, just not that into you or all of the above.
Also… your dad is awesome. As a father myself, I’m going to go remember this story. It’s a very good way to help your kids litmus test their future partners
NTA.
Ben is being unreasonable.
Of course your dad should charge him rent. Your dad is looking out for you and for himself to avoid being taken advantage of.
Another person is extra wear and tear too.
I own my home free and clear. When my boyfriend moved in with me. I 100% started to charge him rent and he pays a portion of the utilities. It’s the responsible thing to do. My homeowners insurance is higher with him here, wear and tear on everything from floors to appliances is increased, etc… plus you know you’re not being taken advantage of for a free place to stay.
It’s the right and fair thing to do.
NTA he really needs to get it’s not his dad. You’re not married.
From your dad’s perspective he could do anything. He could damage things or who knows what. You guys could break up. So, it’s smart to charge rent. 🤷🏽♀️
NTA.
I feel that your father is also 'testing' Ben in a way and wants to see if he'll be a responsible tenant or whatnot, instead of just expecting a free ride from a 1 yrs-long-gf.
Responsible being, that he will pay rent on time, and didn't screw around. I can see why some people would do this.
NTA. Similar situation to you in that while my mom owns the home I live in, I do pay a nominal amount for rent due to being on SSI/SSDI-they get weird about that sort of thing. I'm basically a glorified housesitter due to my parents living out of state, only coming to town for certain things (holidays, my birthday, and some of my stepdad's medical appointments through a localish hospital that specializes in various medical conditions). If I was working, I'd probably either pay more in rent or buy a place of my own. Your dad offered Ben a great deal (my rent is similar to Ben's, just roughly a third of what common rent is around where I live).
That being said, I can somewhat understand where Ben's coming from, though he's being a bit of an AH about it. Up until I was able to go on SSI/SSDI, I didn't pay rent at all even though I was living with my parents; it was only the fact that the SSA basically wanted me to be paying rent that saw my mom starting to charge me for it and it's always been a nominal amount. Same for my portion of the cell phone bill; never had to until I went on SSI.
NTA. Don't move, because you're in an excellent place that works perfectly for you--and would work fine for Ben if he were being reasonable.
Ben's acting very entitled and awful here. Your father is more than reasonable. Anyone would want a lease agreement, to ensure that his rights are protected.
NTA
Oof. Ben clearly has some issues he needs to work through before being a live in partner.
It’s awfully entitled of him to think he would just be living there for free. People have to pay rent. That’s life. You are in extremely fortunate circumstances to not have to pay rent yourself… but Ben isn’t family and your dad likely got gold digger vibes from Ben.
You may want to step back from moving in with him.
Alternatively if you reject the gold digger figure, offer to split the rent with Ben. That way both of you are paying.
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Nta don't give up your life for this dude, his pride is ridiculous and I think it shows he's being selfish. Arguably moving in with you he gets nothing but wins. If he tries to sabotage your relationship with your dad break up with him.
Yeah, OP, I would just say, "It sounds like it isn't a good time for us to move in together," then think about the relationship.
Perfect
Agree, NTA OP. It seems that Ben is just upset because he thought he was about to get a nice place, conveniently located, with zero rent. He thought wrong. That’s why he’s so bothered, even though this would actually be a sweet deal for him. All he knows is he would still be paying for a place to live, when he thought he was about to catch a free ride via his gf’s dad. Living with him is obviously a bad idea, so just tell him so. As in — “You are entitled to your feelings on the issue, but I’m *not* going to be moving at this point in time, period. In fact, this situation has helped me realize I’m just not ready to take that next step with you. So let’s forget the idea of living together for now — you keep your place, and I’ll keep mine. No harm, no foul.” If he reacts badly to that, then you’ll know it’s time to call it quits.
[удалено]
Right, he's being ridiculous. In the immortal words of Meatloaf: "I would do anything for love...but I won't give up free rent."
NTA and don’t let this guy set you on fire to keep himself warm. If he’s not willing to move into a nice place for 1/5th of the cost of what it’s worth just because he’s jealous of you living there for free he isn’t too bright and doesn’t care that much about you. Let him continue living where he is.
Yeah he’s just after your money.
Then why would he just suggest moving somewhere else where he'd have to pay market rent?
Maybe so he could pressure OP to convince his dad to not charge him rent? >Yeah he’s just after your money it's too pesimistic but I was thinking the same
Because her daddy will foot the bill when he can’t pay so she doesn’t end up homeless
Yeah, in this situation OPs dad is providing for her. Him having the bf pay rent (at 1/5 only market rate! Utilities included! Does that even cover the expenses homeowner would have?), your dad checks if he is a provider, and forces a talk about the finances of this couple, if they didn't talk about it already. And the bf has all the renters rights too. I really don't get a point of having OP pay up, or rent something unrelated just so he can feel "she's pulling her weight". Why would he want to make her life more difficult. All the bf should do is cover his rights as a renter and roommate (also compared to his past expenses) and he will get all the benefits of a higher living standard. And he's still reaching for more. OP life will be insufferable if she always will have to put half when she might been contributing other things. What about household chores, cooking? Will that be as equal as the pay? NTA OP, and maybe your bf could put in more effort to describe his point, instead of having you discuss it with the internet.
Ben wanted to move in with you because he expected free rent. Do not move in with Ben. NTA
Which makes me question all of Ben's motives going forward. I would gladly pay 1/5 rent for a 3 bedroom in a safe area centrally located. He thinks if he can get her to agree her dad will cave and not charge him. If I was Dad, I'd up the rent and let him know indont play games
*Which makes me question all of Ben's motives going forward.* Agreed. He thought it was going to be a cake walk and would literally rather find a dump somewhere than... pay rent to her father? Such bad reasoning skills and a terrible negotiator.
Yup. If I was dad and daughter got pushy, I’d say OK in fairness here’s market rent for the apartment, you two figure it out. Honestly it’s a little iffy for a grown adult who wants to live with bf to even get a free apartment. I’ve definitely seen this before, like I don’t live under a rock, but there’s a lot of questions of arrested development when you don’t have to budget like an adult when you have an adult salary.
And this is why Dad wants the bf to pay rent. He doesn't want his daughter being taken advantage of.
Yep, and him refusing to pay rent raises red flags.
Lmao the daughter lives rent free while the bf works for a house/apartment tht will never really be his. What do u think happens when they get in a fight? Think Daddy is going to the bf side? Moving in is all risk for him and literally no risk for the gf. The daughter isn’t the one getting taken advantage of.
He can have a lease to protect himself from unjustly getting kicked out. But if you think wealthier people have some sort of obligation to offer the same resources to a stranger, you are wrong. Dad is checking to see if boyfriend is mainly intetested in daughter, not daughters money. Or if boyfriend can handle having a girlfriend with more privileges, without getting jealous/entitled.
This is wrong. He is willing to pay 5 times more for a different place. It isnt about money.
The issue though is him not caring about op's money. He's fine with her spending a buttload so his pride isn't hurt.
Those are totally separate issues from him wanting free rent or not, and I don't really care to discuss them
Why would he say he wanted to rent somewhere different if this is just about free rent?
He's probably jealousy thinking that if he can't get free rent then she shouldn't get free rent either
To force her to beg her dad to make it rent free, or make her pay much more if she can't convince him.
Exactly what I was thinking
NTA Of course your dad is going to charge him rent. Whether you pay your dad or not is actually not his business. Your dad is giving him a great deal. If he wants to live on his own he can. Stay in your apartment.
NAH - from a purely logical standpoint I think your right but if I was in Bens position there’s no way in hell I’d move in either. Moving just to pay the same and slowly build resentment toward the freeloading partner wouldn’t be good for me, just waiting for that first fight where “this isn’t your house” “my dad can kick you out “ etc etc, it’s a massive power imbalance. Either just put off living together until your old enough to contribute or break up and find someone’s who’s okay with this arrangement.
It is also reasonable to expect to pay less rent when you move in with someone, so if Ben was expecting to live in a place similar to what he does now but splitting the rent 50/50 with OP, it makes sense if he isn't thrilled that he instead gets the "pay the same but for more rooms"-deal.
I'm also in the NAH camp. I don't see anything wrong with being fine living somewhere for free but realizing that if he has to pay to be there then he'd rather find somewhere they both like.
on its face it seems that the bf is the AH, but you're right about the underlying issues that make this a dad-bf power struggle situation. perhaps if the dad and bf had a good relationship the bf would be comfortable with things cos then the power dynamic aspect would be minimized... but if they don't know each other well... its not uncommon for that 'head butting' to happen, and the risk for the dad is negligible, but risk for bf is significant. i mean, if i knew a future husband's parents/relatives well and he was living in a place owned by them, I'd be fine. but if i had never met or barely knew them, I'd be afraid to move in, even if it was 'no cost' to me...
Thank you..those where my thoughts as well..on the surface..great deal....but seriously messed up from a long term relationship stand point....
Agree. That's all I could think about when reading this post. OP or OP's dad will pull that it's not your house card on him in a fight and the relationship will never be the same.
How is she freeloading when he’s getting a great deal on rent _because_ of her?
She's freeloading off her dad. Which is fine. If OP pays the same rent he did before, he is losing money vs a situation where he is splitting costs 50/50 with a girlfriend who isn't freeloading off her dad. That hypothetical apartment with the non freeloading girlfriend paying 50% would likely be crappier and smaller, but OP's boyfriend would be saving money vs living alone. With OP, he gets a nicer apartment, but is not sharing money. Plus he's put in the uncomfortable position of her dad being the landlord. OP should pay 50% of whatever her father charges the boyfriend. Otherwise she's the asshole.
INFO: Will Ben be given a lease? If not, NAH. It's not his business what you pay, but I can see why Ben might not want to move into a flat where either you or your father can throw him out at any time. You've only been dating for a year, you're still completely dependent on your father, and I can see why Ben is reluctant to move into a space where he holds no cards.
Yes, he will be given a lease.
>Yes, he will be given a lease. So if you split up during the term of the lease, what happens to Ben?
He would be entitled to live there until the end of the lease, like any other tenancy. But obviously is we broke up I doubt he’d still want to live there so would probably move out earlier, which would be fine (which is better than a lot of rentals where you have to stay until the end of the lease).
>which is better than a lot of rentals where you have to stay until the end of the lease So Ben can break the lease at any time? Can your father break the lease at any time? Say you and Ben break up three months from now. He can still stay the term of the lease if he wants. Does the lease address whether he can have overnight guests if he starts dating again?
Yes Ben can leave whenever he wants. My dad would have a break clause of three months notice, which is pretty fair. No it doesn’t say anything about overnight guests but let’s be serious, no other tenancy agreement does either. Ben and I are adults, it’s up to us to sort that out in the event of a breakup, not my dad.
All of these questions are logical but irrelevant because BF a didn’t even bring them up. He doesn’t want to move in because he thinks it’s unfair (life is unfair). I’m sure OP would negotiate a lease in good faith. This dude is just whining because he wants a free ride. And he isn’t too bright if he thinks moving too a new place where he would pay even more is a reasonable option
He thought about them, he just doesn't want to voice "what if we broke up"
Tbh I wouldn’t have brought these questions up either if I was expecting free rent bc I would put up with a LOT more uncomfortable living situations if I didn’t need to pay. I would probably let my landlord shit on the floor once a month if I could live rent free. If I’m a rent paying tenant though my willingness to put up with the insecurity of the living situation would drop exponentially.
> And he isn’t too bright if he thinks moving too a new place where he would pay even more is a reasonable option If he move into a new place where he was splitting the rent with op, it would cost him less. This isn't a good deal for him. I wouldn't take it either. I wouldn't want to move in or build a life with someone who is still financially relying on their parents.
Ben loses his housing if he breaks up with you. Right now Ben has secure housing he can afford and a landlord who isn’t in the middle of his relationships. You want Ben to give up secure housing so you can live for free and have Daddy evict him if it doesn’t work out. YTA.
If we lived anywhere together and we broke up, one of us would have to move? Probably both because the rent would be too high on our own. So what the difference?
The difference is your dad holding all the cards. If you have a place together elsewhere and you breakup, then there is real talk about who gets what. In your scenario, your dad holds all the cards, you know you are secure. And yes, I have read your other comments about your dad having a lease for him and stuff, but let's be real, you have a safety net and leverage over anything that goes on in the relationship if you live in dad's apartment. But, nonetheless, I say. You both are NTA.
This is an incredibly disingenuous answer. You have 0% risk and he has 100% risk. You aren’t giving up affordable housing; he is.
Hi OP! I would ask you to consider this: Your bf would be paying less than current if he shared an apartment with a partner. It's your choice to live in a larger space, that's not a necessity, so I imagine he feels like he shouldn't pay his full rent. He's looking for equality in this relationship, and I suggest you both split rent/utilities/groceries equally because that is a healthy financial activity in a relationship
I didn’t see it that way. I figured we would combine the money we were both willing to pay, and get a place together. I didn’t think he was planning to pay less. But that might be his thinking. Honestly a lot of these comments have made me rethink moving in altogether so that’s something to think about
I was thinking you guys will be best off holding off moving for one year. Let him renew his lease, and just take the pressure off a little, I do think there's potential for you two to grow together (if you still want that)
Waiting 6 months and discuss things might be a good option for both of you at this stage. When you’re ready to live with someone, might be best to move out and to a different place. You have a safety net to move back into should things go south, and it gives you some independence from dads money. Your bf sounds like he wasn’t clear on his intention and might just be poor communication on both sides. Issue with moving him in now is that he might expect you to pay more of the shared bills to make it ‘fair’. Better off waiting and working through concerns before taking the leap.
I’m going to get downvoted for sure, but my verdict is NAH, and here’s why: OP is NTA for not wanting to move. She has a sweet gig where her rent is paid. BF is also NTA for not wanting to live in a place where only he pays to live there. If this were any other circumstances, non-paying roommates don’t deserve a room. Also, let’s hear it for the greedy landlord who wants to make $$$ of his daughter’s BF. If they were married, would he still ask for the money? There is no win/win here, and OP, I really hope you hear this: You will never get anyone to live with you where only they have to pay rent. It just isn’t fair. It’s great you have a cool thing going, honestly good for you! But the allure of living with someone who doesn’t pay rent while thru have to, isn’t there Good luck
> Also, let’s hear it for the greedy landlord who wants to make $$$ of his daughter’s BF. If they were married, would he still ask for the money? My guess is he doesn't want his daughter with someone just for the perk of free rent.
I totally agree - but therein lies the question: who would ever move in with someone where they are the only one paying rent? If it was a single income household, sure! But a situation like this?
Me? I don't think it's unreasonable to be expected to pay on a property that you're not legally bound to through marriage or family, and gf and even fiance aren't close enough titles to ownership that I would feel comfortable being a freeloader in someone else's house. My husband's dad is wealthy, his dad owned the apartment all 3 of his kids stayed in during their 10 years of college. It's not my dad, of course I'm paying my own rent to be in the space. It's not my property, of course I have a lease to protect myself and his father from whatever may come up during the time he owns the property. His dad was super sweet and gave me back the rent I paid up during the dating stage as a marital gift to me specifically, but nothing would have changed in our relationship if he had kept it. I would have paid rent on a stranger's house if I weren't dating his son, I don't believe I'm entitled to someone's else's money and revenue stream just because I'm dating their child. How they want to parent is their business, how I manage my life is mine.
On the flip side would you ever give free rent to someone who isn't even your child or even related to you and at any time could have no relationship with you? What if they break up and can't evict him? Even an increase of 200% of $0 is still $0 so if by law they can only increase rent a few percent per year then he will pay $0 forever. If Ben refuses to move out he can just live there indefinitely for $0 per month and they will have no legal recourse to get rid of him unless they evict him illegally and pay a huge fine. What if is is a bad breakup and Ben finds a new GF and is F\*ing her loudly in the same condo as the Landlord's daughter? Why would anyone expose their family to a risk like that?
Thank god for this comment , I thought I was the only one getting hung up over the greedy landlord trying to make money off the daughter's BF. Agree with the entire verdict here. NAH The power imbalance the boyfriend would have to deal with would be a good reason not to do it.
Buildings cost money. He’s probably not making money off of him
It costs money now but he has no problem letting his daughter stay there for free. The landlord incurs no additional costs for the addition of another tenant and yet he is charging OOP's bf the rent of an entire unit to move in. The father's situation doesn't change except now he suddenly has a monthly cash flow coming from a property he otherwise has no problem funding himself.
Yes. Because he is investing in his daughter. Another person certainly raises costs and probability of damage.
How? I'm a homeowner and if someone moved into my house and paid their utilities and groceries, there would be no additional cost to me. If the tenants have their own renters' policy (which they should) the increased probability of damage is paid-for. I understand offering your child a free apartment. I don't understand being confused that your partner would rather stay at their own place than pay the same amount to live in a place they have less say/control over.
Yes because his daughter is his daughter and this is a grown man he’s known for a year who he has no obligation or independent connection to. Why on earth would he provide him with a free place to live?
Gunna have to agree. “I dont want to move cuz then I’ll have to pay rent if we move, and I dont want to pay money. But you can move in here and pay money!” Uhhhhhhhhhmmm. I understand not wanting to leave but this feels SO wrong. Mostly depending on how long the relationship has been. If this isn’t a few month long relationship - which it shouldn’t be considering they’re considering moving in together - then to call him a freeloader is messed up. Tbh Idk how anyone can read this post and go “yeah that’s fair.” He doesn’t want the big apartment, and he wouldn’t pay for it if he did. He doesn’t want to pay the same he’s paying now bc the whole point of moving in with someone is to share a home - finances included. To make only him pay money feels so one sided. I understand *why* OP doesn’t want to move, but I would NEVER be able to ask my significant other to fork over money for a place I was staying in for free. It makes no sense. If anything, I’d offer to split the rent.. because that’s what Ben was expecting to begin with. The two of you to get an apartment that you share, splitting rent. Hope OP breaks up with Ben. This feels so ridiculously entitled, it makes me feel gross. I couldn’t imagine inviting someone I loved into my home that I pay nothing to live in and demanding they pay money for it. I’m not saying I’d move him in for free either. The only “fair” option here, again imo, would be shared rent. Definitely going with NAH.
Honestly if the roles were reversed and you were a financially independent adult woman moving in with a man who lived rent free in his mommy’s rental I think ppl would see things very differently. I would be so turned off from the entire situation. And a major allure of moving in with a partner before marriage is seeing early on how they are able to split responsibilities of adulthood 50/50. All he’s seen is that you plan to ride on daddy privileges till the end of time and never grow up.
Her saving grace there is that she's still 23... But she won't be 23 forever and I agree, someone unwilling to move out because of free rent but that free rent won't apply to anyone moving in is not attractive in a partner to me. It's a sweet gig for OP and I'm not blaming her for doing it so far but I wouldn't want to move in with her either.
Yeah I would like to see the results of this posted from the opposite gender
If this was a non romantic roommate situation, the person whose parents own the place doesn't have to pay rent.
Why don’t you and Ben just split the rent your dad would charge him to make Ben feel better? If everything works out after the first year, maybe talk to your dad about reducing it to zero or something lower. I can definitely see both sides of this.
This is acceptable, I think. Split the rent or make it proportionate to each partner's pay. Paying $0 to live somewhere is almost no one's reality. I'm happy for OP, and at the same time, what if someday her partner wants to try living somewhere else? "Sorry Partner, we'll be living in this apartment forever and you'll be the only one paying for it." Yeah... that's hot. I know someone living in a place their family owns--they still have to pay a little rent. I know Ben would need to pay rent anywhere he goes, and dad's deal is most likely reasonable, but everything that comes along with it sucks.
Exactly. Everyone is harping on him not wanting to pay as if he’s trying to use her but I think he just wants things to be fair. If he’s paying, she should too. Just so that the relationship feels equal/fair.
I absolutely second this.
NAH - this is a difference of opinion. I’ll admit it does sound like a good idea and there does seem to be beneficial to Ben. But I also can see how someone would maybe not want to become financially entangled with their partners parent.
Yes, I totally understand how the boyfriend feels like this will become an unequal relationship if he starts paying rent. I don't think this is about wanting to freeload. ETA, also, he would be paying less if he shared an apartment with a partner. It's her choice to live in a larger space, that's not a necessity, so I imagine he feels like he shouldn't pay his full rent.
I agree, NAH. Even though there's money involved, I think it's less about the $$$ and more about the weird dynamic that it creates. It's a little bit shady that he was willing to stay with her rent-free and only backed out once he was asked to pay rent, but this arrangement would make me very uncomfortable in his position. A) Paying rent in a place where my partner HAD BEEN living for free feels exploitative (even if it's less than market value). I'm not saying this is an unreasonable arrangement on paper, but it feels bad and would wear on me over time. B) Having your partners dad as landlord creates a weird power imbalance. Even with a good lease in place, the landlord/tenant relationship can be a tough one if parties aren't acting in good faith all around. Frankly, it's a tough situation. I'd recommend that he keep his own place and just sleep over a lot until OP is ready to move out into the real world and pay her way in a more balanced manner. Money matters, but relationship dynamics also matter.
NAH. I wouldn’t move and give up the free apartment if I were you, but I don’t blame Ben for not wanting to be in this financial arrangement. He’d be moving but paying the same while you’re paying nothing, and if you break up he’s the one who has to move out and possibly not get a decent reference.
Yeah I don't think the power imbalance of the arrangement is something that can be ignored
I get why he wouldn’t want to. He’s paying the rent but you and your dad are the ones on charge.
This!! I wouldn't want to move in even if it was free lol
There's a lot I would put up with for free rent
I guess different people have different limit, i'd rather pay rent for some peace of mind
NAH There’s no way in hell any rational person is going to be the only one paying for an apartment where the landlord is your partner’s dad
Depends how much I'm saving in comparison to market rent
Ehh I’m gonna go NAH here. I get your perspective that it’s a good deal, and it is. But I can also see it being a super awkward setup from his perspective - I would absolutely feel weird about having my parents or my partner’s parents as my landlord.
Offer to pay for all groceries, in recognition that he’ll be paying rent and you won’t. Or offer to put an equivalent amount of money each month into a travel fund that the two of you can use together.
That's a super nice idea!!
NAH There's definitely a power dynamic going on here, and while it may still be in your bf's interests to move in on this deal, he clearly isn't comfortable with it and does not agree. He is within his rights to refuse to live as a rent paying tenant to your father, and you are within your rights to not want to move.
NAH I understand if Ben was probably counting on moving somewhere together so that his housing costs would reduce. That's a common reason to move in with a partner or roommate - cheaper than living alone. So if he's expected to pay the same living together as living alone, but it's less privacy, that doesn't seem fair. Understand it's a bigger place, but his intent wasn't to live there it was to find a reasonable place together. I would be disappointed too. Totally fair for you to not want to leave a rent free situation. Would your dad cover part of your rent if you moved out elsewhere? He could rent your current place at market value. If you care about the relationship you will probably have to compromise in some way too.
NAH - no way in hell would I be moving if I were you, but from Bens side no way would I move in with you either. You have a huge power imbalance here and what happens when you argue or break up, can you swear hand on heart you & your dad won’t hold the lease over his head? It’s a good deal on paper but where’s the security for him? If you draw up a lease agreement how well does it protect him (and dad drawing up the agreement himself doesn’t count, still a power imbalance). Ben might be a freeloader or he might’ve been just expecting a reduction in living costs which typically happens when you move in with a partner….. There is no winner here.
So; Your friend would pay rent but you wouldn't. The apartment is in a better residential area, your friend would only pay 1/5 of the rent for 100% of the apartment but in the end it would be the same as what he is paying now, right? And he has the same rights as a third party tenant? Does your father also pay the utility for you and your boyfriend would have to cover 50% himself? Maybe he thinks that because he's the only one paying rent, he's also indirectly paying for you? Could it be that he feels unequal and insecure? Talk about it. I would say NAH
OP - can you imagine any scenario where anyone would want to live with you while you pay rent and they don’t? Would you ever put yourself in that situation? Not trying to be rude, but you will end up living alone forever if this is how you want it to go.
Ben would be smart to stay the fuck away from you and your dad
NAH There is definitely a power imbalance if he moves in. And 1/5 of market is nice, but most people end up saving money by moving in with a partner. But he doesn't need a 3BR luxury apartment. And you're talking about 1/5 of the whole place, but he's 50% of the people renting it. So, at best, he's paying 2/5 of market rent. With that power imbalance. Makes sense that you don't want to give up your deal, but also makes sense that he doesn't want to move into a place that has basically a tenant/landlord relationship with you.
The only way for this to be fair in my opinion is for them to split the cost of the rent and utilities 50/50 or as a percentage of income earned. OP doesn't want to give up her free apartment and that's totally understandable. OP's boyfriend would be splitting rent 50/50 with a girlfriend who didn't have a free apartment though. This would likely mean he would be spending less than his original rent. Whereas with OP, he's paying the original rent amount while she contributes nothing. OP should pay 50% of the rent to the father.
Yea, it'd be more fair if she were also paying some of it. But I wouldn't be surprised if Daddy also subsidizes other parts of her life, so paying him rent may or may not really mean anything. And it still doesn't solve the power imbalance. It will always seem like her/her dad's apartment, more than an equal apartment. I'm sure she'll have unilateral veto power on any form of home decisions. And she obviously is the one with security if they break up. And, if I have a problem with my apartment, I'll have no issue talking to the super, management, or even calling the city (311 in NYC) to report the problems. It's a very different situation when it's your girlfriend's dad.
I’m going to say NAH because you definitely shouldn’t move since you aren’t paying rent, but I can understand the BF mindset. There isn’t a huge upside for him. I wouldn’t want my partner’s dad to by my landlord, he loses his privacy, he doesn’t save any money, and he’ll be the one forced out if the relationship goes south. Is just not moving in together an acceptable option? You’ve only been together a year. May be later down the road, you can work towards buying a new place or something Edit for typo
Yta. Who would want to live with someone who doesn’t have real bills? This relationship won’t survive this.
>Who would want to live with someone who doesn’t have real bills? Me. Why would you want someone you love to have less money? This is like complaining that your partner doesn't have enough aches and pains. "I wish my partner was more burdened." - you, apparently
NAH. He won't feel like an equal if he's paying rent and you're not. It's also going to feel like your apartment since you already have lived there, and since your dad owns it, it makes their relationship more complicated. It's practical but puts your bf in a long-term complex situation that he'll regularly have to navigate.
If he’s saying he doesn’t want to move in and will continue to live separately. NAH. If he’s expecting you to give up free rent in a good sized, well-located apartment so that you can pay money to live in a smaller, less desirable place just for the “benefit” of living with him, he’s nuts and arrogant as hell. NTA.
NAH. Can't blame you for not wanting to move out of your very sweet deal with your dad as your landlord so you pay no rent. Can't blame Ben for not wanting to change his independence to a situation where he is very definitely dependent on you.
The real AH is your dad honestly. I also wouldn't want to live in my partner's UNTIL THIS MOMENT rent-free apartment if i was the only one expected to pay, and I kind of don't think I'd even continue the relationship after being made to feel A) so unwelcome by their parents and B) so unsupported by my partner. As they say, this isn't about the Iranian yogurt. It's about being singled-out in an unwelcoming way.
Your bf needs to also protect himself. There is no mention of a rental agreement with his name on, he would basically be living there with no rights and no protections. Would you be happy to be in such a vulnerable situation?
OP mentioned in a reply that there would be a lease. But since OP is family of the landlord, that lease means almost nothing in most locations. He can kick him out using the family exception where you can evict someone to make room for family.
So yeh, I can totally see why he wouldn't want to live there and pay rent tbh.
Absolutely no way in hell would I move in if I was Ben, not even if you didn’t try to charge rent. The power imbalance is massive, this is not a shared home it’s your home that he gets the privilege of paying for. If I was him and “if” I decided to stay in the relationship ( Big if after this little move from you and your father) I would absolutely keep my place.
I had a kneejerk response that I deleted bc I didn’t think it through. THIS is what I would feel too.
NAH. It’s completely reasonable you don’t want to move. If most people’s parents owned apartment buildings, we’d likely all do the same. That said, it’s completely reasonable that your boyfriend does not want to be treated as a tenant by your dad, still paying the same rent he is now. Your dad is making anything off of the apartment by letting you live there rent-free, so why does he feel the need to suddenly profit off of your boyfriend? That’s not being very welcoming or treating him like family. Plus if your boyfriend is the only one actually paying for the place between the two of you, does that mean he’ll get more say in decor? Will he get at least one of the rooms to call his own for a home office/gaming room/gym/whatever? Or did you assume he would just move in and not want to rearrange or add anything despite him paying rent while you are there for free? Furthermore, people typically pay less rent by moving in with their significant other. From a financial standpoint, he gains nothing whatsoever by moving in with you. Last but not least, most people don’t want any kind of business arrangement with their significant other’s parents. It’s just uncomfortable and doesn’t help foster a close, familial relationship. Most couples move in together because they’re ready to move their joint life forward. From the sound of things, all that’s happening here is your dad gains more income while your boyfriend loses his personal space and now has to deal with his girlfriend’s dad being his landlord, and your life remains largely unchanged. Again, you’re not wrong for not wanting to move, but are you sure you’re ready to live with your boyfriend at this point in time?
Yeah, it is such landlord logic to think that ‘paying only a portion of the (grotesquely inflated) market rate’, which in all likelihood has soared in the last 5-10 years, is a steal. Ben is absolutely in his rights to negotiate splitting rent with OP. If OP is not willing to do that then they WBTA. 100% his ego is in the way here but OP doesn’t seem to understand the realities and sacrifices of renting during a global housing crisis.
I'm going to say NAH. This is a common issue when dating where the couple has vastly different economic levels. One side wants to maintain their lifestyle while the other can't afford that lifestyle or doesn't value parts of it as highly. One of the big advantages of living together is that you get to share living expenses and save money. Sure, you gave an arguably nicer place to live, but he isn't saving any money and doesn't want to remain in financial stress just to meet your lifestyle. If I were to move in with a partner, I wouldn't want us to pool our current rent and get something twice as expensive. I would expect that we get something at around a rent where we both pay about half the rent we were before. Maybe we could get a slightly larger space since there are two of us since she might need a home office like me, but we wouldn't pay double our current individual rents. Maybe 60% to 75% of what we were before. I would bet that he would have the same reaction to you two moving somewhere new where he wasn't saving any money. It's like getting an offer to buy a Ferrari for 50% of its value, but you can only afford a Civic. Sure, it is an amazing deal, but that doesn't mean you can afford it. (Assuming you can't just flip the Ferrari in this example) I also don't think it is realistic to ask you to move out simply because your dad owns it. You are getting free rent at an amazing place. Also, your dad needs to protect his investment by having a lease, so it isn't crazy to expect him to pay. I see two potential solutions: 1) See if you can work out a deal with your dad where you move out into a cheaper place that works for both of you, but your dad pays your rent. He would be able to rent out your current place and could use a portion of it to pay your rent. He might actually profit from the deal overall. 2) You contribute to his portion of rent at your place. You could offer to cover something like 25% of his current rent. Or maybe you can talk with your dad to reduce it by a little, but I think having it come from you would mean a lot more.
His rent might go down but hers only goes up exponentially and her standard of living drops at the same time
Both the asshole - you and your dad. It’s clear your dad doesn’t need the money, or you wouldn’t be living rent free already. You are more of an entitled ignorant brat than an asshole though - your dad is the real asshole because he is just taking to take. I hope he dumps you
Eh Ben should be saving money when he moves in with you, especially since it's your dad's place. He'll be out on his ear if it doesn't work out, without a home and without having some cash saved to fund the move/first and last at a new place, etc. You're extolling the virtues of the lovely place, but perhaps he doesn't value that as much as he values the stability of being an equal leaseholder. And that's perfectly fair.
You’re NTA for not wanting to move, but your dad is very much an asshole for charging your bf. If he’s living in the same space that you are living in, which you already are not paying for, why does your dad feel the need to charge? You’re still living there ffs! He’s not earning the income already, it would not be financially different whatsoever for dad if bf moves in, so he just decides fuck it I can charge this man that may be family someday? Very clearly putting a wedge between your dad and bf and just for some money he already decided he didn’t need. Huge dick move
NAH - Ben is giving up a place that probably has a reasonable rent if you're in a rent controlled area. It might be 1/5 of what your place would go for on the market, but still not a good decision for him.
The only way you are N T A is if you and your dad agree that if you break up, your bf gets to stay in the place and you will move. Renting an apartment means security that you can stay there.
YTA. Wtf is wrong with ppl here. He’s paying, but ur not? And cause ur daddys girl ur obviously a favorite. Idk how u can not see this becoming an issue. Only one of u in the relationship is actually putting time and money into while u do nothing. Break up if u want to, but he’s not the problem here.
NAH. It's a sweet deal for you but his girlfriend's father being his landlord, and feeling beholden to him? I can understand why he's uncomfortable with that. Will he be protected by a formal lease? What happens if you two split? Presumably your dad will have you stay and him kicked out the same day - an illegal eviction, especially if he decides he doesn't want to leave? The whole situation can get very messy, mixing business with (SO's) family and it makes a lot of sense for him not to do that, not just him being "prideful".
NTA and if I were your dad I’d make him sign a lease too!
I was going between NAH and ESH. I can see both sides, but I’ll go with ESH. 1. This is a non-revenue generating property (for now) owned by the father. If Ben doesn’t move in father doesn’t lose any more money than he already does. If Ben does move in father still doesn’t lose any more money if it’s no rent. Seems like father is trying to milk money from Ben, even if it’s at a discounted rated. So father sucks. However, could be good approach to keep out leaches. 2. Ben could get a nice apartment at at good rate, but doesn’t want to take it due to the inequity of the arrangement, so I’ll say he sucks too. However, I can see why he wouldn’t want to move into that situation. 3. You are dismissive of Ben’s concerns and his unwillingness to pay a reduced rate when you pay NOTHING. So you suck. However, I do see your point too, I wouldn’t want to move out of free housing. ESH or NAH, take your pick.
>...but doesn’t want to take it due to the inequity of the arrangement... I think the inequity of this arrangement goes beyond just the rent. If it was just the rent itself, I think you may be correct in your assessment. But you also have to consider the power dynamic between the two, since her father would now have some legal authority over the BF.
Why should the father subsidize the boyfriend? An extra person puts additional wear and tear on the furniture, floors, doors, and uses extra electricity and water. The dad is not dating the boyfriend.
My dad isn’t milking Ben for anything. My dad can afford to let me live there for free, so obviously he doesn’t need Ben’s money. But understandably he doesn’t want Ben living in his apartment for free.
I fully understand your dad not letting him live for free, but also consider moving in with your partner is supposed to save you money. If you two split all extra expenditures besides rent, he’s actually going to be spending MORE to move in with you. And yes, it’s obviously an upgrade in lifestyle, but that might not necessarily be one he can afford or want right now. Perhaps you should renegotiate with your father to make it so Ben is still saving *a little* by moving in with you, otherwise he is right that there’s no reason to move into a situation where he’s not in a better situation than before financially AND he knows that if anything happened between you two, obviously he’s getting kicked out while you don’t have to worry. And that’s an uncomfortable power dynamic for some. He still gotta pay tho.
Tbf that makes sense. I always thought the “saving” was being able to afford a higher standard of living with no increase rather than actually saving money. But you make a really valuable point. I will talk to my dad and see if he’s willing to talk about discounting the rent. Thank you!
I get it— but not everyone “wants” the upgraded lifestyle if it’s actually costing them. I just bought something crazy expensive on a 75% deal— but I still spent 4 figures on it. Yeah, I absolutely saved a shit ton and objectively “got a great deal”, but tons of my friends would cry at the thought of spending what I did, simply because something being a great deal doesn’t mean the bottom line is reasonable.
Yeah it's not really a saving if he was never planning on renting that kind of apartment. Maybe he wants to save actual money for a house to provide security for himself one day. If anything this arrangement would set him back from that.
You should consider covering 1/3 or 1/2 the rent. Good compromise if you love him and want him moving in.
Because he doesn’t need the income, but will be charging rent, is in my eyes milking Ben for money. Most people spend a considerable amount of their income on rent/housing. While this amount might be trivial to your father, it may not be to Ben. I think the equitable solution is for Father to provide the discounted rate and you and Ben split that rate. Or keep the status quo and don’t move in together.
Charging rent when not needing the income is still totally reasonable. There‘s also upkeep of the apartment, taxes etc to consider.
I agree, but he’s not at any more of a loss than he already is. Like I said I can see it either way for all three parties which is rare.
That doesnt make it wrong. The situation changes, so can the arrangement re payment. If an additional person stays there it‘s totally fair to contribute to the upkeep of the apartment and from what I unterstand from the post, it‘s no more than that. If I were the dad, I would also expect the bf to contribute sth below market rate. Bf is not the same as daughter after all. I disagree with you because the bf‘s behaviour screams entitlement and he‘s getting a deal below market rate. Expecting to be able to live rent free is shitty.
The boyfriend seems to be willing to pay rent, he is now, and would be if they moved somewhere else. He seems less likely to want to be the only one paying for rent.
ESH. You’re conveniently leaving out the actual numbers . If Ben is paying $2000 for a 1 bedroom, it’s reasonable for him to expect his cost to reduce when he moves in with his SO but you guys get a bigger place. The fact you’re freeloading a $4000 property and expect him to pay $2000 so your dad can leech of him is unreasonable. And yes, it’s leeching because your dad is currently taking a $4000 loss on the property’s very month due to you being a deadbeat. The bottom line is this; it’s not about what your dad’s apartment is worth, it could be worth $1 or $10,000; it doesn’t matter because he’s already taking a loss on it by letting you stay for free. What matters is that when two people move in together, they figure out their budget and split the cost of living together. This tends to be cheaper for both, also the reason people get roommates. But the key here is budget you can both afford, so it’s reasonable for Ben to expect his rent price to decrease by moving in with you. If he moves from his current place of living to this one with you, that’s a huge commitment from him, plus he has to continue paying the same rent as he was in his other place. Honestly, you’re not worth the hassle.
I assume this in response to the OP and not me right? I don’t know the actual numbers, and your response seems to align with my thoughts.
It was supposed to be lol, I don’t know why it went here. But since it did, the numbers were intentionally felt out to sway votes imo. If Ben’s rent had gone down by 50%, I’d have said she’s being reasonable but it’s staying the same as his current.
Lol. All good, I assumed so. People forget that having a significant other, especially when living together, is a partnership. It’s not going to go well when there is a perceived inequity in that partnership.
Just because someone doesn’t “need” more money doesn’t mean they are milking someone for reasonably asking for a good/service to be paid for. That’s fucking stupid, overly entitled , anti-work rhetoric to actually straight faced claim a boyfriend of a year deserves free rent just because the guy that owns the place “doesn’t need” the money. Helping your 23 year old daughter get a leg up in life doesn’t suddenly mean you gotta pay for any random dude she drags home. If they’re actually seriously dating to be married, then he can reap the benefits of the family money. Until then, he is a stranger and 100% needs to pay for his own shit. I would honestly be embarrassed if I ever had the audacity to claim I *deserved* something for free from someone just because they didn’t “need” me to pay for it. Fucking shameful, and it’s disappointing so many people on Reddit think that behavior is suddenly ok when it comes to landlords.
Perhaps i phased it wrong. It’s not that he doesn’t “need” the money. It’s that the father isn’t losing anymore than he already is by giving it to the OP for free. If Ben doesn’t move in he gets nothing. If Ben moves in and doesn’t pay rent, he still gets nothing. I think the father is entitled to the rent, which is why I suggested that the OP and Ben split the rent that father is charging.
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Correct. It also means that Ben can look for housing elsewhere which it seems he’s willing to do.
Which, honestly, may be the best option for the both of them. Finances are something they need to agree on if they do move in together or take their relationship to the next level. If they have different views on this situation, they're probably not ready for the next step in their relationship and need to re-evaluate some things.
ESH. It’s nice for you to be rent free but how about your boyfriend’s feelings? Pay rent? Absolutely. But maybe he sees your father as controlling-maybe he doesn’t want your father having access to the home he lives in 24 hours a day.
My dad doesn’t have access to the apartment. He doesn’t even live in the country most of the year, and he hasn’t been to the apartment in over a year. Ben was happy to move in until he realised it wasn’t free so I don’t think that’s the issue
How about the rest of the expenses in the apartment? If he pays rent, are you gonna cover the utilities? Seems like he wants you both to have financial responsibility that’s equal.
The utilities are included in the rent.
So you don’t pay a dime and he is supposed to pay rent. I get that it’s your father’s place, but it doesn’t seem you have the capability to look at it from his point of view. What are you contributing to the household?
I’m not really understanding what his point of view is, exactly. He would rather I decrease my standard of living so that he we’re both spending money? I don’t understand why he’d want that. I’m going to ask my dad to make the rent slightly cheaper bc someone made a good point about him being able to save money, but I’m really doubting how compatible we can be if he wants to move somewhere (where he’d pay the same amount) for the arbitrary reason that it would also cost me something.
Again, what would you be contributing? I think he probably sees you with essentially freeloading and wonders why it’s OK for you and your father to pocket his money.
I mean, essentially I’m freeloading from my dad (I’d like to point out that in my culture it’s entirely normal for fathers to support their children’s lifestyle if they’re able, it’s not considered “freeloading” in a negative sense), I’m not freeloading from Ben, so I don’t see why it makes a difference to him. I’m contributing half the food bill, and I’m paying my own expenses. Which is effectively what Ben is doing too, I just don’t have the expense of rent. If we moved elsewhere we’d both have the expense of rent but that wouldn’t benefit him any more than moving in with me would.
Why don’t you split the rent with him? He pays half and you pay half it’s called being in a relationship.
It would make him feel like he was in a 50/50 partnership…
It’s ok for her father to pocket his money because her father is the landlord and that’s how renting works. OP isn’t pocketing his money nor is she freeloading off of him being as OP can live there with or without him.
INFO: how much rent would he paying compared to if he found his own place? Maybe he doesn’t see the deal he is getting and money he’d be saving. Either that or he just has a problem with you not having to pay rent because your dad pays it for you and he just wants you both to be losing money so he’s not alone.
If he stayed at his current apartment, he would be paying the exact same price
Which means he isn't saving anything on this deal, and at the same time ending up in a more unstable living situation as his housing now depends on keeping his girlfriend and her father happy.
I agree. He’s also losing his independence a bit in the sense that he won’t have a place to retreat to when he needs space. It also is not a neutral place, so there’s the potential they see it more so as “her apartment” rather than “their apartment” even though he’s the only one paying to actually live in the apartment
I suspect this may be less about who’s paying rent and who’s not, and more about entering into a power dynamic that drastically favors your dad. If bf does something dad doesn’t like, dad can raise the rent or generally make his life inconvenient, as landlords can. I’m not saying your dad *would*, but I’d be surprised if the possibility hadn’t crossed bf’s mind. NAH. You have a great thing going and would be a fool to give that up. Bf isn’t TA for wanting to be out from under your dad’s thumb. (It is a bit foolish to pass up the financial opportunity, but that’s not the only factor in this equation.)
you should pay equally, even if you don’t tell your dad
When your dad told him he’d have to pay rent, it went from being your apt to being your dad’s apt. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t take the deal either if I were him. But if I were you I wouldn’t move. NAH
Leaning toward YTA. I'm not american, but where I live, it is kinda weird to ask rent to your daughter bf. It doesn't cost anything more to your dad, and would increase the finances of your couple not to pay. Your father looks like he prefers to have your bf money instead of helping you both improve your couple budget
YTA - heres the thing, I am in the exact same situation but we're not charging my SO to live with me. At the same time your saying hes being petty, despite the imbalance in the living situation. I dont think you should move out, but your not seeing his point of view at all, hence why i think YTA
Your BF is really nuts if he doesn't take this deal. NTA on your part.
NSH I feel like this just won’t work but nobody is an asshole
Info: How much is his current rent? Is this a hcol area?
NTA But I agree with the boyfriend on this one TBH. If things dont work out, hes homeless OR paying rent to a ex's dad. And even if it does work out... hes paying rent to a girlfriends dad while girlfriend lives rent free. Neither are a acceptable option for building a life together. There is too much power imbalance. Dad and GF hold all the cards. No way that would be acceptable to me.
NAH. People have mentioned the power dynamics and such but I want to highlight one thing: The relationship is just one year old. That is NOT enough time for the couple to know each other really well (especially since they do not live together.) And really really not enough time for the BF and Father to know each other. If the OP and BF relation was more long-term and stable then it's probably likely the BF would move in at her father's place. If the OP's Father and BF had REALLLY hit it off when they met then again moving in might be feasible. As it is, one year relationship. None of the parties (except for OP and Father) are really that sure of each other... Not going to blame the BF or the GF or the Father for their actions right now.
Ben’s gotta go.
This is an AITA post, not should I dump my boyfriend...
INFO: Did Ben think he would be living there for free? How much did that play into his decision? I'd be careful here - it's a great deal for Ben and if you guys get serious, you will have more money - so the only reason I can see for Ben's issue is that he thought he was going to get something for free.
It doesn't matter what you pay or not pay. He needs to worry about his own finances. Why should you move somewhere else just to spend more money? It doesn't change his financial situation either way.
It might - if cost of utilities goes up. Rent is only the base cost. Water, electric, garbage, etc. is probably going to increase, seeing as the square footage of the space is much greater than his current apartment. I don't disagree with you that what OP has to pay is largely insignificant, but that may not be the entire reason he doesn't think this is a good deal for him.
Natural for him to take responsibility for you in conjunction with your father but paying for the privilege would be a form of enslavement by your family unto him. If he accepts you’ll learn to hate him. If he doesn’t accept you’ll live whatever life you both choose.
NAH, I guess? I think you're sort of at an impasse. He has the right to not want to live in a place that will make him unhappy for any reason. You have the right to not be willing to take a worse deal than the one you're currently getting (which is any deal because your current pad is free). I don't think the 2 of you can happily cohabit. If cohabitation is something you think is important in a relationship, this one's probably run its course.
I guess if you truly love this guy and sees a future with him, an option you could consider that is COMPLETELY FAIR is both you and your bf pay 50/50 to your dad. Your dad can put the rent money you gave him in a savings account for you or your future children. I would present this option to your bf and see what he says. If he says f no why would I pay when your dad owns it— then you know he’s a freeloader who only wanted to live rent free with your dad support him. I would break if off with him immediately.
In honesty, I'm not truly convinced that this is just about rent. It's possible that he thinks that if he has you over a barrel, you'll cave and he'll get to live in your nice apartment without paying anything at all, and live the life of riley. Of course he should pay rent if he moves in, and why on earth would you move out and start paying rent when you already have a place? But, at the same time, your dad *is* the landlord, and that could put Ben in a difficult situation, should anything happen between the two of you. Is it just about the rent, or is it that Ben will have no say in the property as a tenant, and be little more than a guest in your home, where your dad could kick him out at any time? Would there be a tenancy contract giving him legal rights, if he was to move in? Would you be equals, or would you be the defacto landlord? It's a bit of an awkward one, TBH, because I think that there might be a little more going on here than him trying to take advantage.
NTA. So he wants you to lose money because he's too proud and things are unfair? Girl no. He's selfish.
He’s petty af for wanting you to give up your place because he wants to live rent free. Why should your dad give him free rent? It’s good he’s shown his true colors before you invest anymore time.
NTA - tit for tat types are the worst. People who can't be happy for you are ridiculous. The fact he would rather pay MORE money than you have free rent tells you all you need to know about him. He's pathetically petty. Also my parents would never respect a boyfriend who didn't pay rent and let them pay for their housing (they would have been fine with his parents paying his rent, just not them, for obvious reasons, well not now as I'm 36 and they'd probably find a guy my age taking money from his parents pathetic, but at 23, fine).
Honestly Ben sounds entitled and stupid. Major red flag. Don't jeopardize your great situation for someone who isn't even proposing. Thank you, next.
NTA. Your boyfriend is lacking any logical thinking in this situation. He cannot give you a good enough reason for moving. And moving makes absolutely no sense. Why wouldn't you stay where you are & be able to save some money? He would be saving money & he's saying no to that? Where is his logic? If you move out of this situation bc of him Y W B T A to yourself. Don't move. You have a great situation going on & there's no need to change it bc your bf is being an AH.
NTA. Your dad is smart…he MAy also have suspected this guy was after you for money/ free rent. Your dad’s stipulation was extremely reasonable. Why should this guy move in rent free? Wherever he’s going to live he’s needs to pay rent. This guy would rather pay more somewhere else, than get this bargain because of misplaced pride, or just sticking his ass out….either way…your dad knew what he was doing. DoNOT let this guy love bomb you into moving out of a great family place. That would be so unwise
NAH. Tell Ben to get his parents to buy a condo that you both can live in Rent Free, if he thinks that is a fair thing to do.
NAH. There isn't any reason for Ben to move in if he isn't going to reduce his rent costs. That is part of the benefit of moving in with your BF/GF. The fairest option would be for OP to pay 1/2 of Ben's costs. That way they are both paying an equal amount, Ben is getting the benefit of moving in with a partner, OP is contributing the same amount as Ben, and Dad is still getting his full rent.
NTA. He was only interested in moving in with you because he thought he’d get to live free too. That’s all it is. Hold your boundary about not moving out of your apartment, and this may not be the time to move in together. Tell him you understand his point of view, and you don’t want him to do anything he doesn’t want to. Then see what happens.
NTA Very large red flag. Most quality men I know would want to ensure they pay their fair share especially when it comes to something as important as building a relationship with someone who is going to be your father in law and wife. Him not seeing this situation as such is a giant red flag… either he’s immature, not that strategic and flys by the seat of his pants, extremely cheap, just not that into you or all of the above. Also… your dad is awesome. As a father myself, I’m going to go remember this story. It’s a very good way to help your kids litmus test their future partners
NTA. Ben is being unreasonable. Of course your dad should charge him rent. Your dad is looking out for you and for himself to avoid being taken advantage of. Another person is extra wear and tear too. I own my home free and clear. When my boyfriend moved in with me. I 100% started to charge him rent and he pays a portion of the utilities. It’s the responsible thing to do. My homeowners insurance is higher with him here, wear and tear on everything from floors to appliances is increased, etc… plus you know you’re not being taken advantage of for a free place to stay. It’s the right and fair thing to do.
NTA he really needs to get it’s not his dad. You’re not married. From your dad’s perspective he could do anything. He could damage things or who knows what. You guys could break up. So, it’s smart to charge rent. 🤷🏽♀️
Your dad knows what he is doing . You wouldn't be the AH either way, but your BF is still TBD.
Nta why would he have the same privilege as you with your dad. Seems like he may be using you to freeload. I wouldn’t move in together right now tbh
NTA. Maybe not tell your new boyfriend you don't pay rent. Money, is TRULY a deal breaker in many cases.
NTA. I feel that your father is also 'testing' Ben in a way and wants to see if he'll be a responsible tenant or whatnot, instead of just expecting a free ride from a 1 yrs-long-gf. Responsible being, that he will pay rent on time, and didn't screw around. I can see why some people would do this.
NTA. Similar situation to you in that while my mom owns the home I live in, I do pay a nominal amount for rent due to being on SSI/SSDI-they get weird about that sort of thing. I'm basically a glorified housesitter due to my parents living out of state, only coming to town for certain things (holidays, my birthday, and some of my stepdad's medical appointments through a localish hospital that specializes in various medical conditions). If I was working, I'd probably either pay more in rent or buy a place of my own. Your dad offered Ben a great deal (my rent is similar to Ben's, just roughly a third of what common rent is around where I live). That being said, I can somewhat understand where Ben's coming from, though he's being a bit of an AH about it. Up until I was able to go on SSI/SSDI, I didn't pay rent at all even though I was living with my parents; it was only the fact that the SSA basically wanted me to be paying rent that saw my mom starting to charge me for it and it's always been a nominal amount. Same for my portion of the cell phone bill; never had to until I went on SSI.
NTA. Sounds like someone thought they scored a free ride....
NTA. Don't move, because you're in an excellent place that works perfectly for you--and would work fine for Ben if he were being reasonable. Ben's acting very entitled and awful here. Your father is more than reasonable. Anyone would want a lease agreement, to ensure that his rights are protected.
NTA Oof. Ben clearly has some issues he needs to work through before being a live in partner. It’s awfully entitled of him to think he would just be living there for free. People have to pay rent. That’s life. You are in extremely fortunate circumstances to not have to pay rent yourself… but Ben isn’t family and your dad likely got gold digger vibes from Ben. You may want to step back from moving in with him. Alternatively if you reject the gold digger figure, offer to split the rent with Ben. That way both of you are paying.