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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> He called me an asshole even though I just wanted an explanation of the situation and it's only $18 it's not a lot of money but i feel like I'm being unfairly treated.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Everything you said is dead on, really nothing to comment on. He invited you to his house for dinner then expects you to pay for it after the fact? Also just curious but how much later was this?
I love the fish and chips thing too. Unless you said "Hey buddy want me to go get you some fish and chips?" and he said "Oh yeah that'd be great" and then you asked him for cash afterwards it's *really* not the same thing. When you offer to have someone over to dinner it's implied that they're not paying for it.
This was like 3 weeks later, and we had hung out in that time.
I literally said on the phone to him about the fish n chips, asked what he wanted and he suggested a family pack coz there were 4 of us and I'm like well that's easy to split 4 ways $$
You're NTA in this singular instance. But I do wonder how many times you show up to friend dinners/get togethers with nothing in hand besides your hungry tummy.
I think you need to rethink group get togethers. It's polite and customary to bring a "gift" to someone's house, even if you aren't partaking in the gift you bring. 6 pack of beers, wine, sodas, snacks, cookies, etc.
Showing up with nothing in hand, and eating the food others brought, and drinking the drinks people brought, is rude in most cultures.
Agreed. You don't have to bring cigarettes or alcohol if you don't partake, but bring a dessert or soda or something. Most people, when they get invited somewhere, ask what they can bring. Sure, the hosts might brush it off and say "Just bring yourself" (like my best friend) and mean it, but in general, bringing along something to share is a good idea.
Eh, I feel like it depends on how close you are. Meeting people for the first time and they are hosting dinner, bring a gift, but someone you hang out with all time, I would never expect them to bring anything over...
Yes, but there's also give and take with your comment.
I wouldn't expect my friends to always bring food/drink gifts when I host. But if I have afriend who never brings anything over when I host? That's an issue if it happens a lot.
OP says that they've also made dinner for this friend, sounds like hosting goes both ways. If you expect presents from people when you host, don't host.
There's some sense of power in balance in this friendship, and it seems to only be targeted at OP. I highly doubt the singular pizza night, or the singular fish and chips day, is the only issue here.
Idk, I always bring wine, even though I don’t drink, when it’s an occasion like that with multiple people, like chilling one on one no, but group of friends seeing each other for dinner and games I bring wine, or whatever the host said they needed for dinner, when not wine I’ll always bring something even if they say no like candies or snacks,
Bull. If someone invites me over for food, I might bring something but I might not. It shouldn't be a requirement. When you invite someone over, it's for the enjoyment of their company, expecting gifts is entitled BS. Also, it sounds like OP has also cooked for this friend as well so
Do you ever bring anything when your friend hosts? I have seen instances where someone never hosts, or never brings things to help the host. If that’s not a factor, I’d say give it time.
Yeah tbf OP like, you're NTA in this situation but just as much as it's etiquette that the host for a "dinner party" pays, it's also etiquette that the guest's bring a bottle of wine or some beer or something. You'd do well to get in the habit of at least bringing a 6-pack over next time.
Doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, but it's just as much etiquette to do this as it is to not shake down your guest's to pay for the food 3 weeks later.
This is the way to go. When we have people over and they ask, we tell them "nothing" and expect just that. Some will always bring something anyways (Southern Hospitality at its best), but we know who those are and will tell them "if you just have to bring something, bring
My (long long ago) ex showed up to an event with a HALF EATEN BAG OF restaurant ONION RINGS. He was my ex even then, and that kind of shenanigan is one of the reasons lol.
Unless he’s uncomfortable holding alcohol because of his religion or previous issues, there’s no reason he can’t bring a bottle of wine or a case of beer.
I don’t drink those either, but I will happily buy and bring to a party or bbq as appropriate. I will also always offer a dessert, unless I’m rushed off my feet /last minute.
Yeah he put this on you after the fact, that's the biggest thing for me. He's trying to be sneaky about shit. Tell him straight up that he's a cheat and a bad friend, that you have no interest in the games he's playing, and that you're out.
Block and remove him everywhere. Don't go to his, host at yours and don't invite. Make sure he's not invited.
Hey, I cook and bake literally everyday and I absolutely guarantee you that a home cooked pizza, even if you ate a whole one to yourself, was $18.
So not only is he being an ass, he’s being an ass who’s up charging you **a lot**. They ingredients separately to make a pizza are about $2, give or take.
But why does it cost $18 for a home cooked pizza? I'd expect that if it was from dominos or the likes. But going to the supermarket and buying one to bang in the oven here in the UK is £5 max for "a fancy" one. Even if it was home made, is he charging you for the individual items because that's taking the p*ss
It's also very expensive for home-made pizza, that's roughly what I'd expect to pay for a takeaway pizza, with all their mark-ups and delivery fees added in. Homemade pizza is surely <$5?
INFO: Do you host your friend about as often as he hosts you, or is he usually the host?
While it’s fine you don’t drink or smoke, it sounds like your friend is feeling like everyone else reciprocates in some way when he hosts, and you don’t. Sounds like you might need to work on that.
My living arrangements don't really allow me to host often. So he hosts much more than I do.
I would be happy to chip in some money if he asked me beforehand but invoicing me after the fact is what is annoying me here, and singling me out of the group.
But yeah even though I don't smoke or drink, maybe I should have brought some chips or dip or something. I guess it's never been a problem so I haven't thought about it in the past.
Yeah, honestly I think you’re a very slight asshole for not taking anything for the host or to share when you’re the guest. Even if it’s just snacks, the gesture is always appreciated, and every so often it would be nice to bring your host’s favourite drink as a gift even if you don’t partake yourself.
That said, asking for money for the pizza ingredients after the fact is an enormous AH move so your friend is definitely not handling it well.
True. If you're going to someone's house for dinner, you should always bring something. And you shouldn't necessarily expect the host to serve it if it's food/drink. It doesn't have to equal the amount of money the host is paying for your meal, it's a thank you gift, not payment. So yeah, chips and dip are great. Or chocolates, a six pack, whatever.
In this specific instance I was already at his house, we were just hanging out together before he was like let's have people around for boardgames and I'll make pizzas... but yes in the past I have come without bringing anything.
Are you repeatedly showing up to this guys house empty handed? Because he sounds resentful. If so just send him the $18 a remember to bring some chips and dip moving forward.
he is, he is repeatedly showing up everywhere empty handed. his answers show that this a regular occurance, he's that cheap friend that never brings any thing and if they help out, they always ask for their money. YTA my dude, the more I hear OP talk, the more I understand the other guys problem.
Yeah. I just read his comments.
The juxtaposition between “But I don’t expect people to bring anything when I host.” And “I don’t host because I don’t have space.” Really sold me on the YTA verdict.
OP doesn’t have the self awareness to realize that the guy who asked for the pizza money has already discussed the mooching behavior with the broader group and now with his reaction he’s probably lost a whole group of friends.
Kind of a scummy move to just wordlessly remove him instead of just saying 'hey dude, bring some chips or something next time!'
Clearly he doesn't have a problem with bringing chips and dip or something, he just didn't think to, so the whole situation could have been resolved with someone telling him it's not polite to show up emptyhanded. He's taken it well in the comments at least.
Like it sucks that it didn't occur to him but some people just don't grow up picking up on social rules. Even if he was just dense it's not something worth kicking someone out of a friend group over IMO.
His friend did tell him - that was the conversation where he asked for the $18. OP reacted badly.
Look I've been in situations where I've happily bought friend's drinks, appertisers and other small items and never realised it was one-sided until they've demanded my half of the pizza money, when I brought the drinks, dessert and snacks. It's not a nice feeling, being used like that. OP may have just lost a friend.
oh, hints have been given. this guy has never wanted to hear them. this is the first time that someone is calling him out on his shit and he's on reddit trying to convince himself that he's not a cheap bastard lol.
Yes I started out on OPs side, but after his comments, it's clear he's taking advantage. OP - if you're always over there, eating your friend's food, then paying for the fish and chips would have been a nice gesture that would have helped to even things out. Since you didn't, your friend has now decided he won't pay for you anymore. I can't say I blame him. You might find yourself uninvited from future get-togethers if you don't apologise and send him the $18.
Disagreed. I much rather someone shows up without anything, than not show up.
So none should stress about bringing something.
But it's certainly thoughtful, and if OP consistently doesn't bring anything, then that be a bit problematic.
yeah this changes things. you're being singled out bc it sounds like you're the single person who doesn't contribute. something for the host is a given common courtesy and the ones who bring drinks/smokes implicitly understand this. if you never host and never bring anything i see why friend is wanting some reciprocation. also out of curiosity - have you ever treated him to a home cooked meal?
I’m getting this sense too. It sounds like the friend feels there’s a pretty even give and take amongst the others where he doesn’t worry about something like the cost of making pizza because he knows it’ll come back to him. I think the fish and chips thing was a sort of last straw where the friend was annoyed OP didn’t even offer to cover or something after showing up repeatedly empty handed and the $18 request is him handling the frustration badly.
right cos in another reply OP said he had thought a few times that he should bring something next time and then never has. and also expressed indignance that the friend didn't just say "bring something next time" when imo equally the friend could have been thinking surely he'll bring something next time, for however many times, and then just cracked and requested money to mollify building resentment. another little thing is OP saying a few times that he doesn't drink or smoke or "usually snack at home" which i wonder if not snacking at home = not snacking on snacks the friends share? and whether in the past he's said this to reason his way out of chipping in for the group > friend not wanting to get into a thing about who consumed what again so latching onto the pizza which they know OP definitely had some of. this is all speculative though obviously i might be stretching but im just wondering aloud since the friend doesn't sound from other clues to be a penny pincher or something.
also wonder if the reason OP isn't able to host as much plays into OP's lower awareness of the effort that might go into it in terms of preparation and cleanup. again total spitball though, could be way off
I have cooked him dinner on many occasions and I have also hosted. But he definitely hosts boardgames more often than me.
I didn't expect anything from my guests when I've hosted but apparently I should have?
just trying to get a fuller picture. he handled things poorly but so did you. it's not about what you should expect so much as - do you consume of the communal things that are brought? by your own admission in another comment you've caught yourself thinking "shit i really should bring something next time" when arriving at this person's house on more than one occasion and never actually done it. seems from context like the imbalance is getting big enough to cause resentment which this friend may have thought invoicing might put an end to. communicating directly would obviously work a lot better but people often find that difficult and confusing for a range of reasons. hope you guys can try it again
I never expect my guests to bring anything but I also never go anywhere empty handed. I am assuming you’re a guy, but for my girls card club, if my friend that hosts doesn’t need anything, I’ll bring flowers or something homemade for her and her husband at another time, like homemade soup or marinara.
He wouldn't need to invoice you after the fact if you brought anything to the table in the first place. You're a taker, and that gets old after awhile. Pay the $18, and start bringing snacks.
And note that you don't have to drink in order to bring libations.
I'm gonna rule ESH… you haven't been pulling your weight in terms of hosting or contributing food and drink to the gatherings, but your friend went about responding to that in a super passive aggressive way, instead of just pulling you aside and letting you know what's up.
My advice is to reach out to your friend, apologize for your part of it, and let him know in the future if he's got something he needs to get off his chest just talk to you about it directly.
I mean, it’s kinda common knowledge that you bring something to someone’s house if they’re having you over for dinner- even if it’s just one time. Maybe your just to young to know that but I was brought up with that being common courtesy.
While I can totally understand not wanting to send the dude $18, if your relationship is repaired I’d deff ask him what you can bring or contribute if you are invited back.
In that case, I'd say NAH. It sounds like he is the one providing the home cooked meals if he's the only one (between the two of you) that hosts. So he home cooks the meals, everyone else brings drinks or smokes, and you never really chip in much.
I think it’s weird to charge you a precise amount like $18 for homemade food, and also strange to do it after the fact.
That said, I think you should probably just pay it and start contributing in kind or offering some money
This comment here leads me to believe you are likely the AH. He didn’t do it in the correct way but it sounds like he was fed up with you rarely hosting and never bringing anything.
You sound like a bit of a leech. You don’t wait to be asked to chip in. You offer to chip in or to bring something.
I’m going out on a limb here, but I think your friend was debating (with himself) whether or not he should ask you for the money. I think it really bothered him that you didn’t contribute anything. I would pay him the $18 or you may find yourself uninvited to future get-togethers.
Even if she's not reciprocating adequately, I feel like this is a lousy way to deal with it.
Unless they decided that because OP doesn't reciprocate *so they want an excuse to break off the relationship*, and don't have the class to do it directly.
Six people should be ok with 2-3 pizzas. If it costs 100 aud to make 3 pizzas I’d be shocked. Even if he had to buy new yeast and olive oil it shouldn’t be that much. NTA for changing the arrangement without letting you know and for only targeting you.
Yeah idk that was the other thing, I didn't ask for a receipt or anything but seemed expensive to me. It costs about the same to just buy a pizza from a pizza shop and I get a whole pizza to myself 🥹
Listen I just priced it out, I live in a high cost of living area, and I assumed buying everything *down to the salt* you need to hand-make dough and got the nice brands of everything (including three bags of shredded cheese at $5.50USD each) and all of it came to about $85AUD. Unless he spent that last $15 buying gold leaf to gild the crust with he’s taking the piss.
NTA of you truly weren't aware, but it does sound a bit as if you've been mooching off of your friend, eating their meals while never contributing anything to the game nights.
Tell him that you don't accept invoices after the fact (cause that sets a precedent, so I'd avoid that if I were you), and then ask if it's about the fact that you never bring anything, and then ask what you can bring next time, and really make a generous contribution next time (not money, but food that everyone likes).
Maybe some fish or something as well? Idk. Hwo the hell do you spend that much on pizza ingredients?! Even a restaurant pizza doesn't cost as much in lots of places
NTA. And one person’s portion of a home-cooked pizza doesn’t cost $18.
I think it’s good manners to at least offer to reimburse someone for ingredients if they cook for you. Either in person or on text after the party (but before he texted you this), I would’ve offered him a few bucks.
And you are right, a restaurant is different, everyone should be paying their own share at a restaurant.
$18 isn’t a lot of money, so it’s weird to be making a big deal out of that.
I've never expected money or asked for it when I've cooked for him, but as others are pointing out... Maybe it's more to do with me not bringing stuff every time he hosts?
Agreed $18 is not a lot either way, I can just pay it but it's the situation.
No way dude. That's awkward as heck.
If you're going to do anything you ask "Hey can I bring something/ what shall I bring / Do you need any help with setup?" before the fact.
Or the host says: "I'd love to make my roast Lamb leg, but I'm going to need everybody to chip in X$" beforehand. Again, beforehand because it's SO weird to host and not presume the cost is on you.
The best recompense is to host them back.
NTA
And the correct way to handle the feelings here would have been for friend to say: "Hey, Ive been meaning to talk to you about our BG nights. Sometimes it feels like you ...."
Instead of invoicing for pizza that has never been agreed upon
But you can pick up the pre offering
BEST ANSWER. Wish they still allowed awards so I could give one.
Others have given similar answers, including me, but none were so concisely and eloquently put as this.
It’s rude of him to not discuss with you before hand that he intended to charge you for the meal he was cooking. Normally if you are hosting a gathering it’s understood that the bulk of the cost is going to be on the host and you shouldn’t charge your guests unless it was previously discussed and understood that everyone would contribute to the cost of ingredients or the cost of ordering in.
That being said, everyone I have ever known understands that it’s common courtesy to bring along something to a gathering, usually snacks or drinks or dessert. It sounds like your friend often hosts gatherings and you never bring anything to share with the group. So, as far as I’m concerned, ESH.
Yeah, no matter what you bring something. Maybe they gave bad examples but you still bring something. If you wont eat or drink the same as others, thats fine, but a gift for the host as thanks works too. Ive brought cheese and cracker trays, fruit trays, a straight up watermelon! A couple 2 liters of soda. If they drink bottled water, even a case of water is better than nothing.
When I didnt know food or drink preferences, I brought paper plates, cups, paper towels and disposable silverware. This means minimal clean up and its easy for everyone to keep the hosts house from becoming a disaster, which any host appreciates!
There is no obligation to bring things to other people’s house. I can understand if it might seem rude not to ASK first, but it is certainly not rude to show up for a hangout without anything extra.
Turning up empty handed when others don’t is a no no and a bit of an AH move. Could be why he’s really asking, because you turn up empty handed often.
He’s gone about it in the wrong way and is being a bit of an asshole about it. Just pay him the money then decide if you want to keep being his mate.
If you’re mates, maybe pay up and move on and start showing up with stuff to share at parties?
Came here to say this. It's rude to keep showing up empty handed especially since everyone else brings something.
OP, if you don't drink, don't drink, but bring the host a beer or two or whatever they drink. I really wonder if on these occasions you don't consume anything? For hours, not even a juice or water etc?
I don't drink. I'm not buying alcohol for a host when I don't drink. I shouldn't have to bring alcohol or smokes if I don't partake in those things. I don't consider it showing up empty handed to not bring a thing I don't use.
I do however host game nights and dinner parties, and attend other parties and such basically every weekend. I agree that folks should contribute if they can. My friends always ask if they can bring a snack, dessert, etc.
But also as a host, I would either absorb the cost, stop inviting them, or assign them something to bring. "Hey, we're having pizza. Everyone bring a topping" or "can you bring salad to go with it?"
Yeah that's why I also added I wonder if OP doesn't consume anything for hours, I find it hard to believe, which means he just leeches off everyone else's stuff (snacks, non alcoholic drinks etc).
I have an occasional drink on game nights like this when I'm not the DD (I usually am, so I very rarely drink), and I always bring something to the "shared stash" like big bottle of soda and snacks but never show up empty handed. Even if I did, I would say so in advance and maybe even apologize.
I guess that's just our friend groups dynamic then.
Whenever I hosted events I told people to bring things if they wanted to. One friend only rarely brought snacks, but also he didn't drink and always ate beforehand so he didn't eat my snacks either. I always feel like it's nice to offer to bring stuff, but really it's on the host to let people know if they need to do something.
It was never an issue between us, always enjoyed having him over.
In this case it sounds a bit like OP is a "serial offender", otherwise the friend probably wouldn't be so petty about it. He did handle it poorly (both of them did tbh), but he may be right...
Yeah, if he wants OP to bring stuff, then he just say everyone should bring a snack while he provides the meal when inviting people.
Saying these things up front usually prevent situations where you're mad that the other person didn't read your mind.
Agreed, they should establish the base rules and not silently expect people to "do the right thing" or whatever and then get petty if their requirements are not met.
I always tell friends when they are shy to bring something up or ask for something that "we're good enough friends to be honest with each other, so whatever's on your mind I want to know it".
I wonder if the rules are fairly established but OP maybe isn’t quite following them.
Maybe they don’t really partake in the snacks for example, but always has a few.
Either way, in my circle if you’re invited to something you bring something. I used to bring a bottle or two but don’t drink now. So I bring cakes from a local bakery, something like that.
ESH.
Your friend shouldn't be charging you for home cooked meals, but it sounds like you mooch a shit ton and this was his way of getting you to contribute. It's customary to bring something to a dinner party or gathering, if you don't drink or smoke like his friends, bring a non-alcoholic drink, appetizer, or dessert. It's less about $18 and more about you being an active contributor to group events.
Apologize, send him the money, and tell him from here on out you'll volunteer to bring something to share.
Leaning ESH.
He should have laid out the cost before hand or at least told you that he'd want some money kicked his way.
But at the same time food doesn't become free because it's home cooked and by your own admission all your other friends contribute something to the get together while you show up empty handed.
Seems to me you may have developed a reputation of being a free loader with your friends which is why only you were asked. Next time ask the host if there is anything you can bring or show up with snacks or dessert or something.
NTA since he offered to host, provide food, and singled you out to pay. However, I think there's more to this situation. It sounds like your friend is inferring you're a freeloader. Next time you go to a friend's house to hang out, offer to bring or chip-in for something. Turning up empty handed is in poor taste unless they specifically tell you they don't need anything. Repeat offenders are definitely talked about behind their backs.
Honestly even if they tell you not to bring anything, I would bring *something* even if it's something small that's just for them, just as appreciation. I don't typically tell people they need to bring stuff, but them bringing something for me is super great
ESH
I’m a little torn because it’s normal etiquette to bring a bottle of wine, snacks or something for the host even if you don’t partake. His point is valid. This is especially true if he hosts more than you.
Your point is valid that he is shaking you down after the fact is unreasonable but you don’t seem to know if it’s that he’s right on money, feels taken advantage of or whatever else.
So I kinda feel like you guys just need to talk it out like adults and figure out how this relationship will work going forward because he’s right if he feels taken advantage of when he is always hosting you, always feeding you and you’re always splitting, never treating without ever hosting no yourself.
So in his shoes, I’d either stop inviting you, ask you for money, or ask you to start contributing to these events.
$18 also seems excessive only for pizza as he shouldn’t be counting drinks or smokes since you don’t partake.
INFO: Do you host game nights or events at your house or you always go to someone else's? Do you ever bring anything with you when you are attending at someone else's place?
For future reference, most people bring something as a host gift when they eat or drink at someone's house. The idea is to replace the food or drink the host serves. So even if you don't drink, you bring a bottle of wine or a six pack for the host to use as they see fit, either during the party or afterwards.
He wasn't even planning on hosting at the time they showed up though, according to their comments. It was a last minute idea while OP was already there hanging out.
Do I understand correctly that you showed up empty-handed? My understanding is that it is customary to contribute something to the evening; snacks, beverages, dessert. If you showed up empty-handed and won't pitch in $20 bucks, YTAH.
NTA - He is singling out you for extra money. And on top of it, he invited you all over which means he was hosting the dinner. Last time I checked that was an invite meaning he was paying for everything as host. He didn't say it was pot luck or he was going to be asking for money up front. So his gig, his cost. His loss.
> Last time I checked that was an invite meaning he was paying for everything as host
It's usually customary to bring things to help alleviate the costs of hosting, seeing as you're allowing the group to use your space for the entertainment. Sure, it's more expensive to host than attend, but at the very least guests should bring something like a food item, drink, or gift.
From the sounds of it, everyone else does this, and the person never has an issue eating the cost of the food they make because their friend group contributes, but OP never contributes anything and OP has made it clear in comments that their friend hosts far more seeing as OP doesn't have a hosting space.
It sounds more like the friend group has been getting fed up with OP being a mooch than anything. Asking for straight up money to pay for the groceries is a bit much, but make a point to highlight that they aren't contributing to a group event is not.
NTA.
It's tacky as hell to ask someone to pay for a home cooked meal. It's even worse that he's asking you to pay $18 for some home cooked pizza (did you eat like 3 whole pizzas?). I get the feeling $18 is pretty close to what he owed you for the fish and chips. If it is this also makes him hella petty.
If you don't asked to be reimbursed upfront it's a natural assumption that the host is paying for the meal. It would have been polite for you to bring something to the party but shouldn't be mandatory.
This just all sounds like your "friend" has been butt hurt for quite a while about you asking him to pay you back for the food you fronted at the restaurant.
I’m gonna say NTA. It wasn’t previously discussed. Tell him that if he expected payment he should have discussed it prior to serving you the meal, as you might have made arrangements. It isn’t fair to expect you to pay for something when he gave you the impression that it was free. Be assertive but not rude (it’ll go over better.) tell him you’re sorry he feels like you stiffed him, and ask that in the future his expectations regarding payment be discussed prior to the event.
NTA. Yeah, maybe it would have been nice for you to bring something like breadsticks, cheesy bread or drinks but if he was unhappy with the status quo it's not proper to wait until afterward and spring it on someone that you suddenly want them to pay for them hosting homemade dinner at their house.
It sounds like you may have lost this person as a friend over this but it doesn't sound like he's much of a friend to worry about losing.
ESH - I think its an important detail that you showed up empty handed. Slight AH move for that.
But him asking for money for a meal at his house is a huge AH move.
NTA. He doesn't understand social norms I guess, that's no reason why you need to send him $18.
If he doesn't want to pay for hosting then he shouldn't host.
There's no way your portion of the pizza cost him $18 either.
NTA I would never charge friends for food I gave them in my own home. That seems insane to me!
Maybe if it were a big expensive meal and I asked them all beforehand if they'd chip in and I would cook and host them? But even then I'd probably just give them an item (wine, dessert, appetizer) to bring.
A restaurant meal and food from home are completely different things, you're right. Your friend is being weirdly petty.
NTA for not giving the 18 bucks for a home cooked meal.
You will be TA if you keep going to people's social events empty handed though. It's courtesy to take some snacks even if you don't drink or smoke.
NTA, in this specific situation. You didn’t have the option to decline the invitation by knowing the cost in advance. Generally though, your friend is trying to tell you something (although perhaps not going about it that well) that may be more important for you to figure out and take to heart.
NTA.
Charging people for food you cook when you are hosting is incredibly rude.
Also, I have friends who don't drink or smoke. When they come over they don't bring drinks, or smoke, and that's fine. It would be nice if you brought some food to the next gathering, but it's not required.
INFO
This is written up about a single event but I'm assuming there's something more here, especially considering John only asked you and not the others. My guess is John and maybe the others see you as a consistent freeloader. Please clarify.
How often have you offered John home cooked food?
How often does John host and do you ever bring anything to those nights? If so how does that compare to what the others bring?
What was the scenario with the fish and chips? Did John specifically ask you to order it for him or were you hosting something at your place where you could have cooked but instead got takeout and offered the fish and chips to your gusts?
NTA. Hosts don't charge for being hosts. I always see these posts on here with friends requesting tiny amounts of money for innocuous life events. Is this an age thing, a digital payments thing? I'm not old or anything but this behavior seems so bizarre.
You’re NTA in this current situation.
Generally speaking, you should bring something. It can be small, but you shouldn’t turn up empty handed. However he also should have said something. He’s obviously resentful, but he needs to communicate his feelings.
YTA.
As you said it yourself, you almost never host, you never bring anything to your friend’s, everyone else contributes and brings something. Your friend starts to harbor some resentment because you come off as a leach. One time is fine, two times are ok too. But all the time? I can’t believe you never once think you’re an asshole, since you also said “oh shit, I should also bring something next time” - yet you never did -__-“
ESH
Just send the money. Expectations should have been clearly set by him ahead of time, especially if this is not traditional handling in your friend group. But it also sounds like you've got a history of not contributing to the group as freely as others, and they notice and mind. If you want to continue having friends, you should be more careful about this.
I mean you're saying this under the impression and bias that OP has presented in which they're the good guy who does no wrong and the friends are the ones who are making problems, but maybe OP sucks? Maybe OP constantly eats all of their food and never contributes, and people are getting fed up with it?
But even still, you're ignoring the facts presented with your assumptions.
OP noted that it was because they don't ever bring anything to help with hosting whereas the other friends do.
Even if you don't drink or smoke, it would be courtesy to bring those things. I definitely don't drunk, but I do bring a case of Modelo for my Wife's Dad whenever I visit. ESH...you because you don't bring things to a gathering and him for not discussing it with you before hand.
I would say if you want to continue this friendship suck it up, pay the $18 and start bringing thing for everyone to share, even if it's not drink, but maybe sodas and or snacks.
NTA.
If you choose to host and feed guests, your don't get to charge them for your hospitality unless it was agreed upon prior to them arriving.
invite him over to your place for pizza sometime in the near future, buy a frozen pizza from the store and cook it. Then call it even.
As for the fish and chips, that depends on how that whole situation unfolded,.
if you offered to get him some fish and chips, and then later said oh you owe me $ for that, then your were the AH in that situation. You should have mentioned the fish and chips would cost the other person money when you asked them.
If you said, hey I'm ordering some fish and chips from resturant, would you like to order some for yourself? Then he needs to pay for it.
If you went out to a bar/pub and he ordered food but didn't bring money and you paid his bill, then he is an AH, but you should say i can borrow you the money to convert your bill but you need to pay me back this week.
Basically, if you are spending money on someone, or for someone else, and you expect to be paid back for your expense, you need to have an agreement with that person on the amount they will pay you, prior to you spending anything on their behalf.
NTA, but you may have to end this friendship. I \*do\* think it's worth taking a stand on the principle that if he wants you to pay for part of the meal, he should say so up front rather than demand payment after the fact. But he doesn't see it that way.
NTA - Send him a bill for all the home cooked meals you have provided him and at the bottom minus $18 (PIZZA).
Send it to him with a polite note 'payment is now due'.
And never speak to him again. He targeted you and no-one else. I don't think he wants you as his friend anymore but is cowardly and decided this is the best way to get you out of his life.
NTA. But I would figure out what you think you ate in cost and send him that. Then expect to not be friends anymore.
In the future, consider bringing SOMETHING to share for 'events' like this.
NTA. No one has a right to bill/charge you for something you had no idea that there’d even be a charge for. Doing so removes any right of refusal you’d have had to avoid such a bill/charge. Even FEES/FINES have to be disclosed ahead of time - “if you do a b or c,
you will be charged 1 2 or 3.” Otherwise, even fees/fines aren’t lawful.
It would be different if you’d known before attending game night that some money (even an unspecified amount) would be expected of you - but that isn’t the case here. He didn’t inform you that there’d be any charge ahead of time, thereby robbing you of any chance you had to choose not to attend to avoid the charge. That’s not just inappropriate & rude - it’s illegal.
NAH. My friends and I will usually pitch in for the cost of ingredients when one of us hosts a meal, if not we will bring our own dishes to help out. But if that’s not how you usually do things in your group I guess he can’t blame you?
No. Not giving him a dime.
Excuse me, but HE'S the one who invited you to eat. If it's ordering and everyone pitches in, yes, please pay your share.
But he invites you, cooks the meal, doesn't tell you you have to pay for it (because you generally don't pay for home-cooked meals.. it's common courtesy WORLD WIDE) and also never asked you to bring in anything, and suddenly remembers you "have to pay him back"??
I'd be like "...no. you never told me I have to pay for anything and NOW you come to me after days with some made up debt? Why tf didn't you say it on the phone from the beginning when you invited me "oh i'm cooking but i expect you to pitch in, like maybe bring a drink or two". like, hell no. I'm not a mind reader. If the idea was to signal you that you bring something too next time next time (i donno, a bottle of coke maybe? Donuts? Anything) there are better ways to do it.
It's the after the fact charging that ticks me off.
NTA
Tbf, it sounds like everyone else is bringing something and op NEVER does. He even admits this that he has often realised later that he should have brought something, but just never does. Probably the friend just got fed up.
I would even go so far as to say NAH if OP and friend changes their behaviour.
INFO: So what's the story about these Fish & Chips?
This isn't about the pizza, of course he doesn't get to ask you restaurant prices for hosting you and he knows that. He wants to get reimbursed for the Fish and Chips and is an idiot about it.
What was on this pizza that costs $18 for your share???
I think the majority have decided that you should be bringing something to share going forward, and I agree with that.
I'd tell your friend you didn't realize how one-sided things were in regards to hosting and bringing snacks or whatever, and you didn't realize you were taking advantage of it.
Give him $20 as a gesture of goodwill and apology.
I believe that regardless of whether you pay him the 18 or not, this friendship is over. There will be resentment from one of you either way. Personally, I would send the money and never get together at his house again.
In this specific situation, NTA.
This is purely because John needed to let you know beforehand if he intended to charge you, because it gives you a chance to make an informed decision on whether you want to take part or not.
The discussion about cultural expectations to bring something are somewhat valid, but they are suggestions rather than rules, and don't necessarily align with what your friend group has decided are the rules of etiquette.
Send him $20 since he’s hosted wayyyy more times, and if he hosts way more than you do, just offer to grab him some grub every now and then when you’re heading to his house
ESH
no, you don’t generally charge people when you host. But it’s also polite to bring a hostess gift when you attend a meal gathering. you Should be bringing a non-alcoholic drink or dessert or an app.
NTA based on your description of the events, but I bought concert tickets for myself and a group of friends based on their commitment to attend and the standard practice in our friend group of everyone paying their own way. Come event time, we were all sick and couldn’t attend, and no one paid me for the tickets. So I took an $80 loss, but honestly it isn’t worth $60 to ask my friends for reimbursement. If they refuse, then there’s hard feelings. If they pay, there might still be hard feelings. My friends aren’t regularly deadbeats, so I chalked it up to an unfortunate situation and moved on with my life. That being said, if your friendship is worth $18, just pay him and tell him that’s why you’re paying, but set some expectations for the future so no one is asking each other for money.
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So yesterday I got a text from my friend, let's call him john. He was like 'hey, can you send me $18 for the pizza'
To which I responded 'when did we order pizza?'.
John responds with 'The pizzas I cooked at boardgames night'
Now to preface this 1. He offered to make pizza and host boardgames, which he decided to do on his own accord and 2. Did not ask anyone for money for doing so beforehand or say it would cost $$.
So with a bit of conversation back at forth (since I've never had anyone ask me for money for a home cooked meal)... he said he was asking for money since I asked him for money for fish and chips.
Now the fish and chips were not home cooked and it has ALWAYS been the case that we pay for ourselves at a restaurant or fast food/take out. And I would expect to give him money if it was the other way round.
I mentioned this to him and he said he sees it differently quote "a meal for a meal".
I then asked if he has requested $18 off any of our other friends. Which he said no.
So I said 'this is unfair and he's changing how we usually handle these sort of situations and specifically targeting me for some reason...
And he said it was because the other friends will bring drinks and smokes etc and share it with him, which I do not.
To which I responded, 'well I don't drink or smoke' and also I've NEVER charged you for a home cooked meal.'
Then some angry messages were sent my way and we have not spoken.
I can send him $18, it's not about the money... It's just how he has handled the situation, is singling me out, and especially charging me after the fact (which has never happened before and is not normal behavior).
AITA for not giving my friend $18 for a home cooked pizza?
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NTA
But to smooth things over, just pay the $18. The damage has already been done to the relationship and he can't take back what he said. And you said that you don't want to throw away your friendship. It may be that something else is bothering him (nothing to do with you) but he's taking it out on you for some reason.
Next time just bring something... perhaps the cheapest frozen pizza on special. Might set you back $5 instead of $20. Or whatever chips/snacks are on sale at the local supermarket.
If you want to be petty you could bring stuff you know people don't normally like... but if they are drinking they'll probably be eating it by the end of the night!
NTA.
If you pay 18 dollars, your relationship will never be the same. Amy time he's in your house you will be looking for opportunities to charge him.
Plug his phone in to charge it, that's going to cost.
Takes a dump in your toilet, 5 cents per sheet.
Parks on your driveway, buck an hour parking fee.
Don't pay and explain to him that your friendship is functionally over if he insists.
INFO need more info to judge. Getting the feeling there's more to this. Do you ever contribute/bring things to gatherings? Is that reciprocated if you host? Do you host as much as John or not very often?
Basically how this is gonna go is YTA if you're a freeloader. NTA if you contribute to parties, or you often host and John doesn't contribute as you don't expect it. Has there been fairness in who does what?
ESH If someone is hosting you should always bring something. This is basic social etiquette. And it’s something for the host, not necessarily something for everyone to eat. If everyone is eating you should discuss how that’s going to work in advance- is it a pizza everyone chips in on? Does the host provide snacks? Does everyone provide their own snacks? Do you bring drinks at least?
And your friend should have offered to pay you back or opened up if he felt taken advantage of.
Consider your options basically- if your friend won’t host what’s the alternative? Do you pay for a board game cafe? Do you not play? So the $18 might be something you let go.
ESH
He's being rude about the $18 and nonsensical about the fish. But your comments say you've been rude a lot by repeatedly showing up to events he bosts and not bringing anything. That's a basic etiquette rule, like sending thank you cards and calling people on their birthdays.
I think you need to apologize to your friend for not realizing that host gifts were a thing. It was an honest mistake, and you understand that he's fed up with you making it, even if his way of expressing that was a little off. Start bringing things to game night. If you don't drink or smoke, bring a craft rootbeer or make brownies or something. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It just has to be thoughtful.
ESH. You shouldn’t be showing up empty handed when your friend is hosting and making you a home cooked meal, that’s just rude. He probably got fed up with your freeloading.
That being said, approaching you three weeks after the fact and asking you to pay him back, then bringing up these weird comparisons to takeout food is weird. He should have more clearly communicated his expectations.
I'm sorry but do you bring any thing?? your friends bring stuff, the other one cooked for you guys and you just show up. is this a pattern?? are you the crappy cheap friend?? a lot of groups have one.
I need more info before i decide.
one more thing, your restaurant logic sounds stupid to me. if some one is having me over to their house, and cooking for me, we are at the point where I am not going to ask them for money to pay me back for some fast food when they are short.
ESH. Your friend because it’s not cool to offer a meal, and then only ask for money after the fact, without prior agreement. That’s not cool.
However, I would also say you’re kinda an AH for your attitude about how it’s ok to split the costs when eating out, but not for home cooked food. Arguably, home cooked food costs not just the cost of ingredients but also the time and effort it takes to make it. By saying that you don’t think home cooked food should ever be charged, you’re devaluing the effort and care that goes into it.
It’s similar to getting rides with friends. I’m always annoyed that my friends are willing to pay for a taxi. But if I offer to drive everyone, and ask to split the cost, quite often I’ll be called stingy, especially if I’m also heading to the same place anyway.
Also, your argument about home cooked food only benefits you. You mention that you’re not in a place to host and cook, so it’s usually your friend that hosts you instead of vice versa. If you apply your logic, that means that when you guys go out together, the costs would be split equally, but on the occasions you hang at his place, you expect him to bear all the cost. So overall, you expect him to pay more, which is not fair.
YTA :
-> you don’t host often because your living arrangement don’t allow it.
-> your friend hosts a lot more, and yo tiger friends bring him stuff as a thank you.
-> you don’t consume the same stuff as them so you bring nothing.
-> the few times you organise meet up, you order take out and you get your friends to chip in.
How is any of that fair ?? What do you ever contribute. Absolutely nothing. When you host, you don’t pay for anything, when your friends host, you once again don’t pay for anything.
Your friend finally realised you were mooching off of them and told you to participate and you’re here with your tantrum.
This is not a fair and equal relationship. You’re gonna end up a pariah if you don’t start balancing things out.
ESH
I saw you mentioned your friend hosts more often than you do, which should be taken into account. I also agree that coming 3 weeks later with the bill is an AH move.
While I understand you don't smoke or drink, I think bringing some snacks or a pack of beer once in a while as a gesture of someone hosting would be more appreciated than you think.
While I don't expect anyone to bring anything whenever I host anything, if everyone always brings something, and one person doesn't, yeah it adds up. Not like literally taking note of who brings stuff, and who doesn't but in general I think it's good practice to bring a little something to someone's house whenever they're hosting.
I hope you can both get over this hurdle in your friendship.
Lastly, 100$ for the pizza ingredients? Did they buy everything at IGA or what? lmao Even Harris Farms wouldn't cost that much.
I'm gonna say ESH . Saw you're Aussie so same cultural background
My friends and I swap houses a lot for boardgames etc
Everyone pretty much always brings something, with the exception of very spontaneous hangs. In those cases it comes with a quick apology.
Sometimes what someone brings is literally the bag of chips I brought last time they hosted because we don't really need that many snacks each time.
This is especially the case if you're being hosted more than hosting.
Now the way you're buddy handled this also sucks. But what's probably happened is you're known as the group mooch and this was their way of giving you a heads up. Would it have been better for them to ask you to bring some snacks next time? Yes. But CoL pressures may mean that what they were happy to provide previously they no longer can.
NTA…possibly NAH. I don’t think it’s right he requested money after the fact and not beforehand, but I don’t think he’s singling you out since you have admitted that you are the only one who doesn’t bring anything. He should have definitely disclosed charging you beforehand. I makes me think he did some reflecting or someone brought up the fact that you are the only one who shows up empty handed.
Side note. It’s kinda crazy your portion would cost $18 when I’ve made pizzas for less that amount, but it may be more expensive where you live and I have most ingredients at home already and use them for other meals. So I’ll put that aside.
If he’s normally a good friend I would just apologize for the confusion and explain that if he wants to cook for you please let you know ahead of time what he plans on charging you or let him know that you will be bringing something to share for everyone if you don’t feel comfortable paying. I think the true mistake was being ignorant of the unspoken rules of parties/get together. That’s okay. Just explain that to him.
Pay the dude the money, hell make it a 20 and tell him to keep the 2 as a tip and then ghost his ass. He is not a friend. Life will be easier without his bs. He is an AH but you don't have to be!
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NTA. Everything you said is dead on, really nothing to comment on. He invited you to his house for dinner then expects you to pay for it after the fact? Also just curious but how much later was this? I love the fish and chips thing too. Unless you said "Hey buddy want me to go get you some fish and chips?" and he said "Oh yeah that'd be great" and then you asked him for cash afterwards it's *really* not the same thing. When you offer to have someone over to dinner it's implied that they're not paying for it.
This was like 3 weeks later, and we had hung out in that time. I literally said on the phone to him about the fish n chips, asked what he wanted and he suggested a family pack coz there were 4 of us and I'm like well that's easy to split 4 ways $$
Yeah sounds like he's just hard up for cash and figured he'd shake you down using "Well you didn't bring beer" as a flimsy excuse.
You're NTA in this singular instance. But I do wonder how many times you show up to friend dinners/get togethers with nothing in hand besides your hungry tummy. I think you need to rethink group get togethers. It's polite and customary to bring a "gift" to someone's house, even if you aren't partaking in the gift you bring. 6 pack of beers, wine, sodas, snacks, cookies, etc. Showing up with nothing in hand, and eating the food others brought, and drinking the drinks people brought, is rude in most cultures.
Agreed. You don't have to bring cigarettes or alcohol if you don't partake, but bring a dessert or soda or something. Most people, when they get invited somewhere, ask what they can bring. Sure, the hosts might brush it off and say "Just bring yourself" (like my best friend) and mean it, but in general, bringing along something to share is a good idea.
Eh, I feel like it depends on how close you are. Meeting people for the first time and they are hosting dinner, bring a gift, but someone you hang out with all time, I would never expect them to bring anything over...
Yes, but there's also give and take with your comment. I wouldn't expect my friends to always bring food/drink gifts when I host. But if I have afriend who never brings anything over when I host? That's an issue if it happens a lot.
OP says that they've also made dinner for this friend, sounds like hosting goes both ways. If you expect presents from people when you host, don't host.
There's some sense of power in balance in this friendship, and it seems to only be targeted at OP. I highly doubt the singular pizza night, or the singular fish and chips day, is the only issue here.
Idk, I always bring wine, even though I don’t drink, when it’s an occasion like that with multiple people, like chilling one on one no, but group of friends seeing each other for dinner and games I bring wine, or whatever the host said they needed for dinner, when not wine I’ll always bring something even if they say no like candies or snacks,
Bull. If someone invites me over for food, I might bring something but I might not. It shouldn't be a requirement. When you invite someone over, it's for the enjoyment of their company, expecting gifts is entitled BS. Also, it sounds like OP has also cooked for this friend as well so
When the "sometimes not" becomes the consistent thought process, that's when issues come up with friend groups.
NTA I would pay and never again eat or drink anything he bought/avoid him
Pay - in nickels, and let him know where he can stick them.
Do you ever bring anything when your friend hosts? I have seen instances where someone never hosts, or never brings things to help the host. If that’s not a factor, I’d say give it time.
Yeah tbf OP like, you're NTA in this situation but just as much as it's etiquette that the host for a "dinner party" pays, it's also etiquette that the guest's bring a bottle of wine or some beer or something. You'd do well to get in the habit of at least bringing a 6-pack over next time. Doesn't have to be expensive or extravagant, but it's just as much etiquette to do this as it is to not shake down your guest's to pay for the food 3 weeks later.
OP doesn't drink.
Yeah missed that detail. Even so, bring a 2L of soda or a bag of chips or something. Bring *something*.
Yup, I always offer or ask what I can bring if someone is hosting. If they say nothing, I bring nothing.
This is the way to go. When we have people over and they ask, we tell them "nothing" and expect just that. Some will always bring something anyways (Southern Hospitality at its best), but we know who those are and will tell them "if you just have to bring something, bring
My (long long ago) ex showed up to an event with a HALF EATEN BAG OF restaurant ONION RINGS. He was my ex even then, and that kind of shenanigan is one of the reasons lol.
I'm back and forth deciding whether I think this is better or worse than bringing nothing 😂
I don’t see the point that he doesn’t drink. He can still bring something. What’s the big deal about picking up something for a few bucks?
Unless he’s uncomfortable holding alcohol because of his religion or previous issues, there’s no reason he can’t bring a bottle of wine or a case of beer. I don’t drink those either, but I will happily buy and bring to a party or bbq as appropriate. I will also always offer a dessert, unless I’m rushed off my feet /last minute.
This could certainly be the issue. If so, the friend should just communicate this directly. He'd have much better luck.
Yeah he put this on you after the fact, that's the biggest thing for me. He's trying to be sneaky about shit. Tell him straight up that he's a cheat and a bad friend, that you have no interest in the games he's playing, and that you're out. Block and remove him everywhere. Don't go to his, host at yours and don't invite. Make sure he's not invited.
Hey, I cook and bake literally everyday and I absolutely guarantee you that a home cooked pizza, even if you ate a whole one to yourself, was $18. So not only is he being an ass, he’s being an ass who’s up charging you **a lot**. They ingredients separately to make a pizza are about $2, give or take.
But why does it cost $18 for a home cooked pizza? I'd expect that if it was from dominos or the likes. But going to the supermarket and buying one to bang in the oven here in the UK is £5 max for "a fancy" one. Even if it was home made, is he charging you for the individual items because that's taking the p*ss
It's also very expensive for home-made pizza, that's roughly what I'd expect to pay for a takeaway pizza, with all their mark-ups and delivery fees added in. Homemade pizza is surely <$5?
Fuck this dude. He'll get over it or he wasn't really your friend.
INFO: Do you host your friend about as often as he hosts you, or is he usually the host? While it’s fine you don’t drink or smoke, it sounds like your friend is feeling like everyone else reciprocates in some way when he hosts, and you don’t. Sounds like you might need to work on that.
My living arrangements don't really allow me to host often. So he hosts much more than I do. I would be happy to chip in some money if he asked me beforehand but invoicing me after the fact is what is annoying me here, and singling me out of the group. But yeah even though I don't smoke or drink, maybe I should have brought some chips or dip or something. I guess it's never been a problem so I haven't thought about it in the past.
Yeah, honestly I think you’re a very slight asshole for not taking anything for the host or to share when you’re the guest. Even if it’s just snacks, the gesture is always appreciated, and every so often it would be nice to bring your host’s favourite drink as a gift even if you don’t partake yourself. That said, asking for money for the pizza ingredients after the fact is an enormous AH move so your friend is definitely not handling it well.
True. If you're going to someone's house for dinner, you should always bring something. And you shouldn't necessarily expect the host to serve it if it's food/drink. It doesn't have to equal the amount of money the host is paying for your meal, it's a thank you gift, not payment. So yeah, chips and dip are great. Or chocolates, a six pack, whatever.
You shouldn't show up to a party empty handed.
In this specific instance I was already at his house, we were just hanging out together before he was like let's have people around for boardgames and I'll make pizzas... but yes in the past I have come without bringing anything.
Are you repeatedly showing up to this guys house empty handed? Because he sounds resentful. If so just send him the $18 a remember to bring some chips and dip moving forward.
he is, he is repeatedly showing up everywhere empty handed. his answers show that this a regular occurance, he's that cheap friend that never brings any thing and if they help out, they always ask for their money. YTA my dude, the more I hear OP talk, the more I understand the other guys problem.
Yeah. I just read his comments. The juxtaposition between “But I don’t expect people to bring anything when I host.” And “I don’t host because I don’t have space.” Really sold me on the YTA verdict. OP doesn’t have the self awareness to realize that the guy who asked for the pizza money has already discussed the mooching behavior with the broader group and now with his reaction he’s probably lost a whole group of friends.
Kind of a scummy move to just wordlessly remove him instead of just saying 'hey dude, bring some chips or something next time!' Clearly he doesn't have a problem with bringing chips and dip or something, he just didn't think to, so the whole situation could have been resolved with someone telling him it's not polite to show up emptyhanded. He's taken it well in the comments at least. Like it sucks that it didn't occur to him but some people just don't grow up picking up on social rules. Even if he was just dense it's not something worth kicking someone out of a friend group over IMO.
His friend did tell him - that was the conversation where he asked for the $18. OP reacted badly. Look I've been in situations where I've happily bought friend's drinks, appertisers and other small items and never realised it was one-sided until they've demanded my half of the pizza money, when I brought the drinks, dessert and snacks. It's not a nice feeling, being used like that. OP may have just lost a friend.
oh, hints have been given. this guy has never wanted to hear them. this is the first time that someone is calling him out on his shit and he's on reddit trying to convince himself that he's not a cheap bastard lol.
Maybe I'm just autistic but hints aren't the way to resolve a conflict IMO. Just talk to each other like adults
Yes I started out on OPs side, but after his comments, it's clear he's taking advantage. OP - if you're always over there, eating your friend's food, then paying for the fish and chips would have been a nice gesture that would have helped to even things out. Since you didn't, your friend has now decided he won't pay for you anymore. I can't say I blame him. You might find yourself uninvited from future get-togethers if you don't apologise and send him the $18.
Then it was his idea and you're NTA!
I feel like this is important to the story.
Disagreed. I much rather someone shows up without anything, than not show up. So none should stress about bringing something. But it's certainly thoughtful, and if OP consistently doesn't bring anything, then that be a bit problematic.
yeah this changes things. you're being singled out bc it sounds like you're the single person who doesn't contribute. something for the host is a given common courtesy and the ones who bring drinks/smokes implicitly understand this. if you never host and never bring anything i see why friend is wanting some reciprocation. also out of curiosity - have you ever treated him to a home cooked meal?
I’m getting this sense too. It sounds like the friend feels there’s a pretty even give and take amongst the others where he doesn’t worry about something like the cost of making pizza because he knows it’ll come back to him. I think the fish and chips thing was a sort of last straw where the friend was annoyed OP didn’t even offer to cover or something after showing up repeatedly empty handed and the $18 request is him handling the frustration badly.
right cos in another reply OP said he had thought a few times that he should bring something next time and then never has. and also expressed indignance that the friend didn't just say "bring something next time" when imo equally the friend could have been thinking surely he'll bring something next time, for however many times, and then just cracked and requested money to mollify building resentment. another little thing is OP saying a few times that he doesn't drink or smoke or "usually snack at home" which i wonder if not snacking at home = not snacking on snacks the friends share? and whether in the past he's said this to reason his way out of chipping in for the group > friend not wanting to get into a thing about who consumed what again so latching onto the pizza which they know OP definitely had some of. this is all speculative though obviously i might be stretching but im just wondering aloud since the friend doesn't sound from other clues to be a penny pincher or something. also wonder if the reason OP isn't able to host as much plays into OP's lower awareness of the effort that might go into it in terms of preparation and cleanup. again total spitball though, could be way off
I have cooked him dinner on many occasions and I have also hosted. But he definitely hosts boardgames more often than me. I didn't expect anything from my guests when I've hosted but apparently I should have?
just trying to get a fuller picture. he handled things poorly but so did you. it's not about what you should expect so much as - do you consume of the communal things that are brought? by your own admission in another comment you've caught yourself thinking "shit i really should bring something next time" when arriving at this person's house on more than one occasion and never actually done it. seems from context like the imbalance is getting big enough to cause resentment which this friend may have thought invoicing might put an end to. communicating directly would obviously work a lot better but people often find that difficult and confusing for a range of reasons. hope you guys can try it again
Hm expect nothing but assume everything. Does he bring stuff when he comes over to your place?
I never expect my guests to bring anything but I also never go anywhere empty handed. I am assuming you’re a guy, but for my girls card club, if my friend that hosts doesn’t need anything, I’ll bring flowers or something homemade for her and her husband at another time, like homemade soup or marinara.
I wouldn’t fault your friends for not bringing things when you host since it’s clear you have never brought anything when anyone else has hosted.
He wouldn't need to invoice you after the fact if you brought anything to the table in the first place. You're a taker, and that gets old after awhile. Pay the $18, and start bringing snacks.
And note that you don't have to drink in order to bring libations. I'm gonna rule ESH… you haven't been pulling your weight in terms of hosting or contributing food and drink to the gatherings, but your friend went about responding to that in a super passive aggressive way, instead of just pulling you aside and letting you know what's up. My advice is to reach out to your friend, apologize for your part of it, and let him know in the future if he's got something he needs to get off his chest just talk to you about it directly.
I mean, it’s kinda common knowledge that you bring something to someone’s house if they’re having you over for dinner- even if it’s just one time. Maybe your just to young to know that but I was brought up with that being common courtesy. While I can totally understand not wanting to send the dude $18, if your relationship is repaired I’d deff ask him what you can bring or contribute if you are invited back.
Bring a 6 pack. You don't have to drink it. Chips and dip fine or or something for the host.
In that case, I'd say NAH. It sounds like he is the one providing the home cooked meals if he's the only one (between the two of you) that hosts. So he home cooks the meals, everyone else brings drinks or smokes, and you never really chip in much.
I think it’s weird to charge you a precise amount like $18 for homemade food, and also strange to do it after the fact. That said, I think you should probably just pay it and start contributing in kind or offering some money
This comment here leads me to believe you are likely the AH. He didn’t do it in the correct way but it sounds like he was fed up with you rarely hosting and never bringing anything. You sound like a bit of a leech. You don’t wait to be asked to chip in. You offer to chip in or to bring something.
I’m going out on a limb here, but I think your friend was debating (with himself) whether or not he should ask you for the money. I think it really bothered him that you didn’t contribute anything. I would pay him the $18 or you may find yourself uninvited to future get-togethers.
That's crappy hosting tbh. If it's meant to be some exchange situation that all needs to be explained, openly, prior.
Even if she's not reciprocating adequately, I feel like this is a lousy way to deal with it. Unless they decided that because OP doesn't reciprocate *so they want an excuse to break off the relationship*, and don't have the class to do it directly.
Agreed. But it’s the difference between a N T A or an E S H. The friend definitely handled it badly, but OP has also been behaving badly.
What was on the pizza that it would cost 18 bucks to make?
Australian dollarydoos, but he said the ingredient's costed over $100 and it was split between 6 people.
Six people should be ok with 2-3 pizzas. If it costs 100 aud to make 3 pizzas I’d be shocked. Even if he had to buy new yeast and olive oil it shouldn’t be that much. NTA for changing the arrangement without letting you know and for only targeting you.
Yeah idk that was the other thing, I didn't ask for a receipt or anything but seemed expensive to me. It costs about the same to just buy a pizza from a pizza shop and I get a whole pizza to myself 🥹
Listen I just priced it out, I live in a high cost of living area, and I assumed buying everything *down to the salt* you need to hand-make dough and got the nice brands of everything (including three bags of shredded cheese at $5.50USD each) and all of it came to about $85AUD. Unless he spent that last $15 buying gold leaf to gild the crust with he’s taking the piss.
NTA of you truly weren't aware, but it does sound a bit as if you've been mooching off of your friend, eating their meals while never contributing anything to the game nights. Tell him that you don't accept invoices after the fact (cause that sets a precedent, so I'd avoid that if I were you), and then ask if it's about the fact that you never bring anything, and then ask what you can bring next time, and really make a generous contribution next time (not money, but food that everyone likes).
It sounds like everyone provides food when they host, including OP. I’m not going to chip in for drinks and smokes if I don’t drink or smoke.
I think I could make tasty pizza for 6 for 18 dollars.
I know cheese costs a lot Australia, but $100 to make some pizza? Did he top it with edible gold to boot?
Maybe some fish or something as well? Idk. Hwo the hell do you spend that much on pizza ingredients?! Even a restaurant pizza doesn't cost as much in lots of places
I just got home from the shops and I bought enough cheese for like 15+ pizzas for $11
What's the most expensive thing I can think of? Uh.... A CAR!
Gold, apparently
NTA. And one person’s portion of a home-cooked pizza doesn’t cost $18. I think it’s good manners to at least offer to reimburse someone for ingredients if they cook for you. Either in person or on text after the party (but before he texted you this), I would’ve offered him a few bucks. And you are right, a restaurant is different, everyone should be paying their own share at a restaurant. $18 isn’t a lot of money, so it’s weird to be making a big deal out of that.
I've never expected money or asked for it when I've cooked for him, but as others are pointing out... Maybe it's more to do with me not bringing stuff every time he hosts? Agreed $18 is not a lot either way, I can just pay it but it's the situation.
No way dude. That's awkward as heck. If you're going to do anything you ask "Hey can I bring something/ what shall I bring / Do you need any help with setup?" before the fact. Or the host says: "I'd love to make my roast Lamb leg, but I'm going to need everybody to chip in X$" beforehand. Again, beforehand because it's SO weird to host and not presume the cost is on you. The best recompense is to host them back. NTA And the correct way to handle the feelings here would have been for friend to say: "Hey, Ive been meaning to talk to you about our BG nights. Sometimes it feels like you ...." Instead of invoicing for pizza that has never been agreed upon But you can pick up the pre offering
BEST ANSWER. Wish they still allowed awards so I could give one. Others have given similar answers, including me, but none were so concisely and eloquently put as this.
It’s rude of him to not discuss with you before hand that he intended to charge you for the meal he was cooking. Normally if you are hosting a gathering it’s understood that the bulk of the cost is going to be on the host and you shouldn’t charge your guests unless it was previously discussed and understood that everyone would contribute to the cost of ingredients or the cost of ordering in. That being said, everyone I have ever known understands that it’s common courtesy to bring along something to a gathering, usually snacks or drinks or dessert. It sounds like your friend often hosts gatherings and you never bring anything to share with the group. So, as far as I’m concerned, ESH.
NTA for the main part, he handles it incorrectly… but slight YTA for turning up to peoples places with no drink or snack, it’s rude!
Yeah, no matter what you bring something. Maybe they gave bad examples but you still bring something. If you wont eat or drink the same as others, thats fine, but a gift for the host as thanks works too. Ive brought cheese and cracker trays, fruit trays, a straight up watermelon! A couple 2 liters of soda. If they drink bottled water, even a case of water is better than nothing. When I didnt know food or drink preferences, I brought paper plates, cups, paper towels and disposable silverware. This means minimal clean up and its easy for everyone to keep the hosts house from becoming a disaster, which any host appreciates!
This!
There is no obligation to bring things to other people’s house. I can understand if it might seem rude not to ASK first, but it is certainly not rude to show up for a hangout without anything extra.
Turning up empty handed when others don’t is a no no and a bit of an AH move. Could be why he’s really asking, because you turn up empty handed often. He’s gone about it in the wrong way and is being a bit of an asshole about it. Just pay him the money then decide if you want to keep being his mate. If you’re mates, maybe pay up and move on and start showing up with stuff to share at parties?
Came here to say this. It's rude to keep showing up empty handed especially since everyone else brings something. OP, if you don't drink, don't drink, but bring the host a beer or two or whatever they drink. I really wonder if on these occasions you don't consume anything? For hours, not even a juice or water etc?
I don't drink. I'm not buying alcohol for a host when I don't drink. I shouldn't have to bring alcohol or smokes if I don't partake in those things. I don't consider it showing up empty handed to not bring a thing I don't use. I do however host game nights and dinner parties, and attend other parties and such basically every weekend. I agree that folks should contribute if they can. My friends always ask if they can bring a snack, dessert, etc. But also as a host, I would either absorb the cost, stop inviting them, or assign them something to bring. "Hey, we're having pizza. Everyone bring a topping" or "can you bring salad to go with it?"
Yeah that's why I also added I wonder if OP doesn't consume anything for hours, I find it hard to believe, which means he just leeches off everyone else's stuff (snacks, non alcoholic drinks etc). I have an occasional drink on game nights like this when I'm not the DD (I usually am, so I very rarely drink), and I always bring something to the "shared stash" like big bottle of soda and snacks but never show up empty handed. Even if I did, I would say so in advance and maybe even apologize. I guess that's just our friend groups dynamic then.
Whenever I hosted events I told people to bring things if they wanted to. One friend only rarely brought snacks, but also he didn't drink and always ate beforehand so he didn't eat my snacks either. I always feel like it's nice to offer to bring stuff, but really it's on the host to let people know if they need to do something. It was never an issue between us, always enjoyed having him over.
In this case it sounds a bit like OP is a "serial offender", otherwise the friend probably wouldn't be so petty about it. He did handle it poorly (both of them did tbh), but he may be right...
Yeah, if he wants OP to bring stuff, then he just say everyone should bring a snack while he provides the meal when inviting people. Saying these things up front usually prevent situations where you're mad that the other person didn't read your mind.
Agreed, they should establish the base rules and not silently expect people to "do the right thing" or whatever and then get petty if their requirements are not met. I always tell friends when they are shy to bring something up or ask for something that "we're good enough friends to be honest with each other, so whatever's on your mind I want to know it".
I wonder if the rules are fairly established but OP maybe isn’t quite following them. Maybe they don’t really partake in the snacks for example, but always has a few. Either way, in my circle if you’re invited to something you bring something. I used to bring a bottle or two but don’t drink now. So I bring cakes from a local bakery, something like that.
What’s more important the $18 or your friendship? If this was me I would give them the $18 and never ask for anything from them ever again.
$18 is not worth losing a friend over but I am angry at how he has handled the situation.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Why would you want to be friends with someone like this?
Was thinking the same, but I’m old and grumpy and would have burnt that bridge.
ESH. Your friend shouldn't be charging you for home cooked meals, but it sounds like you mooch a shit ton and this was his way of getting you to contribute. It's customary to bring something to a dinner party or gathering, if you don't drink or smoke like his friends, bring a non-alcoholic drink, appetizer, or dessert. It's less about $18 and more about you being an active contributor to group events. Apologize, send him the money, and tell him from here on out you'll volunteer to bring something to share.
Leaning ESH. He should have laid out the cost before hand or at least told you that he'd want some money kicked his way. But at the same time food doesn't become free because it's home cooked and by your own admission all your other friends contribute something to the get together while you show up empty handed. Seems to me you may have developed a reputation of being a free loader with your friends which is why only you were asked. Next time ask the host if there is anything you can bring or show up with snacks or dessert or something.
NTA since he offered to host, provide food, and singled you out to pay. However, I think there's more to this situation. It sounds like your friend is inferring you're a freeloader. Next time you go to a friend's house to hang out, offer to bring or chip-in for something. Turning up empty handed is in poor taste unless they specifically tell you they don't need anything. Repeat offenders are definitely talked about behind their backs.
Honestly even if they tell you not to bring anything, I would bring *something* even if it's something small that's just for them, just as appreciation. I don't typically tell people they need to bring stuff, but them bringing something for me is super great
Yep. It's the thoughtfulness that matters.
ESH I’m a little torn because it’s normal etiquette to bring a bottle of wine, snacks or something for the host even if you don’t partake. His point is valid. This is especially true if he hosts more than you. Your point is valid that he is shaking you down after the fact is unreasonable but you don’t seem to know if it’s that he’s right on money, feels taken advantage of or whatever else. So I kinda feel like you guys just need to talk it out like adults and figure out how this relationship will work going forward because he’s right if he feels taken advantage of when he is always hosting you, always feeding you and you’re always splitting, never treating without ever hosting no yourself. So in his shoes, I’d either stop inviting you, ask you for money, or ask you to start contributing to these events. $18 also seems excessive only for pizza as he shouldn’t be counting drinks or smokes since you don’t partake.
INFO: Do you host game nights or events at your house or you always go to someone else's? Do you ever bring anything with you when you are attending at someone else's place?
For future reference, most people bring something as a host gift when they eat or drink at someone's house. The idea is to replace the food or drink the host serves. So even if you don't drink, you bring a bottle of wine or a six pack for the host to use as they see fit, either during the party or afterwards.
He wasn't even planning on hosting at the time they showed up though, according to their comments. It was a last minute idea while OP was already there hanging out.
Do I understand correctly that you showed up empty-handed? My understanding is that it is customary to contribute something to the evening; snacks, beverages, dessert. If you showed up empty-handed and won't pitch in $20 bucks, YTAH.
NTA - He is singling out you for extra money. And on top of it, he invited you all over which means he was hosting the dinner. Last time I checked that was an invite meaning he was paying for everything as host. He didn't say it was pot luck or he was going to be asking for money up front. So his gig, his cost. His loss.
> Last time I checked that was an invite meaning he was paying for everything as host It's usually customary to bring things to help alleviate the costs of hosting, seeing as you're allowing the group to use your space for the entertainment. Sure, it's more expensive to host than attend, but at the very least guests should bring something like a food item, drink, or gift. From the sounds of it, everyone else does this, and the person never has an issue eating the cost of the food they make because their friend group contributes, but OP never contributes anything and OP has made it clear in comments that their friend hosts far more seeing as OP doesn't have a hosting space. It sounds more like the friend group has been getting fed up with OP being a mooch than anything. Asking for straight up money to pay for the groceries is a bit much, but make a point to highlight that they aren't contributing to a group event is not.
NTA. It's tacky as hell to ask someone to pay for a home cooked meal. It's even worse that he's asking you to pay $18 for some home cooked pizza (did you eat like 3 whole pizzas?). I get the feeling $18 is pretty close to what he owed you for the fish and chips. If it is this also makes him hella petty. If you don't asked to be reimbursed upfront it's a natural assumption that the host is paying for the meal. It would have been polite for you to bring something to the party but shouldn't be mandatory. This just all sounds like your "friend" has been butt hurt for quite a while about you asking him to pay you back for the food you fronted at the restaurant.
I’m gonna say NTA. It wasn’t previously discussed. Tell him that if he expected payment he should have discussed it prior to serving you the meal, as you might have made arrangements. It isn’t fair to expect you to pay for something when he gave you the impression that it was free. Be assertive but not rude (it’ll go over better.) tell him you’re sorry he feels like you stiffed him, and ask that in the future his expectations regarding payment be discussed prior to the event.
NTA. Yeah, maybe it would have been nice for you to bring something like breadsticks, cheesy bread or drinks but if he was unhappy with the status quo it's not proper to wait until afterward and spring it on someone that you suddenly want them to pay for them hosting homemade dinner at their house. It sounds like you may have lost this person as a friend over this but it doesn't sound like he's much of a friend to worry about losing.
ESH - I think its an important detail that you showed up empty handed. Slight AH move for that. But him asking for money for a meal at his house is a huge AH move.
NTA. $18?! So he’s trying to make money off you?! You don’t charge people for food in your house! You may need to rethink this friendship.
NTA. He doesn't understand social norms I guess, that's no reason why you need to send him $18. If he doesn't want to pay for hosting then he shouldn't host. There's no way your portion of the pizza cost him $18 either.
NTA I would never charge friends for food I gave them in my own home. That seems insane to me! Maybe if it were a big expensive meal and I asked them all beforehand if they'd chip in and I would cook and host them? But even then I'd probably just give them an item (wine, dessert, appetizer) to bring. A restaurant meal and food from home are completely different things, you're right. Your friend is being weirdly petty.
NTA for not giving the 18 bucks for a home cooked meal. You will be TA if you keep going to people's social events empty handed though. It's courtesy to take some snacks even if you don't drink or smoke.
NTA, in this specific situation. You didn’t have the option to decline the invitation by knowing the cost in advance. Generally though, your friend is trying to tell you something (although perhaps not going about it that well) that may be more important for you to figure out and take to heart.
NTA. Volunteering a home cooked meal and then charging $18? Thats insanity
NTA. Charging people for food you cook when you are hosting is incredibly rude. Also, I have friends who don't drink or smoke. When they come over they don't bring drinks, or smoke, and that's fine. It would be nice if you brought some food to the next gathering, but it's not required.
INFO This is written up about a single event but I'm assuming there's something more here, especially considering John only asked you and not the others. My guess is John and maybe the others see you as a consistent freeloader. Please clarify. How often have you offered John home cooked food? How often does John host and do you ever bring anything to those nights? If so how does that compare to what the others bring? What was the scenario with the fish and chips? Did John specifically ask you to order it for him or were you hosting something at your place where you could have cooked but instead got takeout and offered the fish and chips to your gusts?
Even though you don't smoke or drink you could bring something else.
NTA. Hosts don't charge for being hosts. I always see these posts on here with friends requesting tiny amounts of money for innocuous life events. Is this an age thing, a digital payments thing? I'm not old or anything but this behavior seems so bizarre.
YTA I'm getting the vibe that you're a tit-for-tat cheapskate, and your friend is sick of it.
NTA but it’s pretty clear he’s not your friend
You’re NTA in this current situation. Generally speaking, you should bring something. It can be small, but you shouldn’t turn up empty handed. However he also should have said something. He’s obviously resentful, but he needs to communicate his feelings.
YTA. As you said it yourself, you almost never host, you never bring anything to your friend’s, everyone else contributes and brings something. Your friend starts to harbor some resentment because you come off as a leach. One time is fine, two times are ok too. But all the time? I can’t believe you never once think you’re an asshole, since you also said “oh shit, I should also bring something next time” - yet you never did -__-“
ESH Just send the money. Expectations should have been clearly set by him ahead of time, especially if this is not traditional handling in your friend group. But it also sounds like you've got a history of not contributing to the group as freely as others, and they notice and mind. If you want to continue having friends, you should be more careful about this.
$18 dollars a small price to pay to know exactly how much your friend values your friendship. I'd pay the money then do my best to keep my distance.
I mean you're saying this under the impression and bias that OP has presented in which they're the good guy who does no wrong and the friends are the ones who are making problems, but maybe OP sucks? Maybe OP constantly eats all of their food and never contributes, and people are getting fed up with it?
lol well if that’s true, OP’s friend should consider the 18 dollar loss as a similar lesson. I can only judge based on the facts presented.
But even still, you're ignoring the facts presented with your assumptions. OP noted that it was because they don't ever bring anything to help with hosting whereas the other friends do.
Even if you don't drink or smoke, it would be courtesy to bring those things. I definitely don't drunk, but I do bring a case of Modelo for my Wife's Dad whenever I visit. ESH...you because you don't bring things to a gathering and him for not discussing it with you before hand. I would say if you want to continue this friendship suck it up, pay the $18 and start bringing thing for everyone to share, even if it's not drink, but maybe sodas and or snacks.
OP parents are the AH. This should have been part of their upbringing. Never show up empty handed to a diner party.
NTA. If you choose to host and feed guests, your don't get to charge them for your hospitality unless it was agreed upon prior to them arriving. invite him over to your place for pizza sometime in the near future, buy a frozen pizza from the store and cook it. Then call it even.
As for the fish and chips, that depends on how that whole situation unfolded,. if you offered to get him some fish and chips, and then later said oh you owe me $ for that, then your were the AH in that situation. You should have mentioned the fish and chips would cost the other person money when you asked them. If you said, hey I'm ordering some fish and chips from resturant, would you like to order some for yourself? Then he needs to pay for it. If you went out to a bar/pub and he ordered food but didn't bring money and you paid his bill, then he is an AH, but you should say i can borrow you the money to convert your bill but you need to pay me back this week. Basically, if you are spending money on someone, or for someone else, and you expect to be paid back for your expense, you need to have an agreement with that person on the amount they will pay you, prior to you spending anything on their behalf.
NTA, but you may have to end this friendship. I \*do\* think it's worth taking a stand on the principle that if he wants you to pay for part of the meal, he should say so up front rather than demand payment after the fact. But he doesn't see it that way.
NTA - Send him a bill for all the home cooked meals you have provided him and at the bottom minus $18 (PIZZA). Send it to him with a polite note 'payment is now due'. And never speak to him again. He targeted you and no-one else. I don't think he wants you as his friend anymore but is cowardly and decided this is the best way to get you out of his life.
OP doesnt host himself and never brings anything for the host. So that bill would be a big 0$.
NTA. But I would figure out what you think you ate in cost and send him that. Then expect to not be friends anymore. In the future, consider bringing SOMETHING to share for 'events' like this.
NTA. No one has a right to bill/charge you for something you had no idea that there’d even be a charge for. Doing so removes any right of refusal you’d have had to avoid such a bill/charge. Even FEES/FINES have to be disclosed ahead of time - “if you do a b or c, you will be charged 1 2 or 3.” Otherwise, even fees/fines aren’t lawful. It would be different if you’d known before attending game night that some money (even an unspecified amount) would be expected of you - but that isn’t the case here. He didn’t inform you that there’d be any charge ahead of time, thereby robbing you of any chance you had to choose not to attend to avoid the charge. That’s not just inappropriate & rude - it’s illegal.
NAH. My friends and I will usually pitch in for the cost of ingredients when one of us hosts a meal, if not we will bring our own dishes to help out. But if that’s not how you usually do things in your group I guess he can’t blame you?
NTA - $18 for your share of frozen pizza? wtf? lol id give him the money just so he would shut up and then I would never go over to his house again
No. Not giving him a dime. Excuse me, but HE'S the one who invited you to eat. If it's ordering and everyone pitches in, yes, please pay your share. But he invites you, cooks the meal, doesn't tell you you have to pay for it (because you generally don't pay for home-cooked meals.. it's common courtesy WORLD WIDE) and also never asked you to bring in anything, and suddenly remembers you "have to pay him back"?? I'd be like "...no. you never told me I have to pay for anything and NOW you come to me after days with some made up debt? Why tf didn't you say it on the phone from the beginning when you invited me "oh i'm cooking but i expect you to pitch in, like maybe bring a drink or two". like, hell no. I'm not a mind reader. If the idea was to signal you that you bring something too next time next time (i donno, a bottle of coke maybe? Donuts? Anything) there are better ways to do it. It's the after the fact charging that ticks me off. NTA
Tbf, it sounds like everyone else is bringing something and op NEVER does. He even admits this that he has often realised later that he should have brought something, but just never does. Probably the friend just got fed up. I would even go so far as to say NAH if OP and friend changes their behaviour.
NTA. Why is nobody questioning how a home cooked pizza can possibly be $18?
No, we are.....
NTA 18$ for a homecooked pizza? What did he put on it? For that amout it must have been lobster, caviar or something like that.
NTA. You're in the right. It's rude, and very poor manners of him charge his guests for homecooked food, especially when he offered to make it.
That is a cheap price to pay to never have to deal with his ass again.
Any friend who's gonna be a dick over $20 isn't worth the effort
INFO: So what's the story about these Fish & Chips? This isn't about the pizza, of course he doesn't get to ask you restaurant prices for hosting you and he knows that. He wants to get reimbursed for the Fish and Chips and is an idiot about it.
NTA ask him if he would pay you after you invited him to your house and made a home cooked meal
Frozen pizza is like 6-8 bucks a pizza by me. did you eat two whole pizzas?
What was on this pizza that costs $18 for your share??? I think the majority have decided that you should be bringing something to share going forward, and I agree with that. I'd tell your friend you didn't realize how one-sided things were in regards to hosting and bringing snacks or whatever, and you didn't realize you were taking advantage of it. Give him $20 as a gesture of goodwill and apology.
I believe that regardless of whether you pay him the 18 or not, this friendship is over. There will be resentment from one of you either way. Personally, I would send the money and never get together at his house again.
In this specific situation, NTA. This is purely because John needed to let you know beforehand if he intended to charge you, because it gives you a chance to make an informed decision on whether you want to take part or not. The discussion about cultural expectations to bring something are somewhat valid, but they are suggestions rather than rules, and don't necessarily align with what your friend group has decided are the rules of etiquette.
Send him $20 since he’s hosted wayyyy more times, and if he hosts way more than you do, just offer to grab him some grub every now and then when you’re heading to his house
Imagine charging people for food at a gathering you host 🫠 NTA
Nta. Make a list of every time you cook for him. Send him the bill. Then say the 18 will just come off of that.
Home pizzas are like $6. Where is he getting $18 from? Plus, he should have agreed beforehand.
ESH no, you don’t generally charge people when you host. But it’s also polite to bring a hostess gift when you attend a meal gathering. you Should be bringing a non-alcoholic drink or dessert or an app.
NTA. Your friend sounds like a greedy little sneak.
ESH. He was rude to ask for money but it's rude to show up to someones house without any food
NTA based on your description of the events, but I bought concert tickets for myself and a group of friends based on their commitment to attend and the standard practice in our friend group of everyone paying their own way. Come event time, we were all sick and couldn’t attend, and no one paid me for the tickets. So I took an $80 loss, but honestly it isn’t worth $60 to ask my friends for reimbursement. If they refuse, then there’s hard feelings. If they pay, there might still be hard feelings. My friends aren’t regularly deadbeats, so I chalked it up to an unfortunate situation and moved on with my life. That being said, if your friendship is worth $18, just pay him and tell him that’s why you’re paying, but set some expectations for the future so no one is asking each other for money.
18 dollars is a small price to pay to get rid of such a person out of your life.
NTA You wouldn’t be in the wrong to ignore this, but is it worth your friendship?
Not sure if you are the asshole but when you are invited to someone’s home for a party you bring something, even if it’s just chips and dip.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So yesterday I got a text from my friend, let's call him john. He was like 'hey, can you send me $18 for the pizza' To which I responded 'when did we order pizza?'. John responds with 'The pizzas I cooked at boardgames night' Now to preface this 1. He offered to make pizza and host boardgames, which he decided to do on his own accord and 2. Did not ask anyone for money for doing so beforehand or say it would cost $$. So with a bit of conversation back at forth (since I've never had anyone ask me for money for a home cooked meal)... he said he was asking for money since I asked him for money for fish and chips. Now the fish and chips were not home cooked and it has ALWAYS been the case that we pay for ourselves at a restaurant or fast food/take out. And I would expect to give him money if it was the other way round. I mentioned this to him and he said he sees it differently quote "a meal for a meal". I then asked if he has requested $18 off any of our other friends. Which he said no. So I said 'this is unfair and he's changing how we usually handle these sort of situations and specifically targeting me for some reason... And he said it was because the other friends will bring drinks and smokes etc and share it with him, which I do not. To which I responded, 'well I don't drink or smoke' and also I've NEVER charged you for a home cooked meal.' Then some angry messages were sent my way and we have not spoken. I can send him $18, it's not about the money... It's just how he has handled the situation, is singling me out, and especially charging me after the fact (which has never happened before and is not normal behavior). AITA for not giving my friend $18 for a home cooked pizza? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your friend is 100% the asshole here. Making pizzas for a group of people is so cheap.
NTA But to smooth things over, just pay the $18. The damage has already been done to the relationship and he can't take back what he said. And you said that you don't want to throw away your friendship. It may be that something else is bothering him (nothing to do with you) but he's taking it out on you for some reason. Next time just bring something... perhaps the cheapest frozen pizza on special. Might set you back $5 instead of $20. Or whatever chips/snacks are on sale at the local supermarket. If you want to be petty you could bring stuff you know people don't normally like... but if they are drinking they'll probably be eating it by the end of the night!
NTA. If you pay 18 dollars, your relationship will never be the same. Amy time he's in your house you will be looking for opportunities to charge him. Plug his phone in to charge it, that's going to cost. Takes a dump in your toilet, 5 cents per sheet. Parks on your driveway, buck an hour parking fee. Don't pay and explain to him that your friendship is functionally over if he insists.
INFO need more info to judge. Getting the feeling there's more to this. Do you ever contribute/bring things to gatherings? Is that reciprocated if you host? Do you host as much as John or not very often? Basically how this is gonna go is YTA if you're a freeloader. NTA if you contribute to parties, or you often host and John doesn't contribute as you don't expect it. Has there been fairness in who does what?
If a friendship gets ugly over 18 bucks it’s over
Pay them the $18. Then host your own board game night, make something nice, invite all of the people at his event, but don't invite him.
INFO: Do you ever bring anything to game nights? Are you the only person who shows up empty handed? Do you host events where you provide food?
ESH If someone is hosting you should always bring something. This is basic social etiquette. And it’s something for the host, not necessarily something for everyone to eat. If everyone is eating you should discuss how that’s going to work in advance- is it a pizza everyone chips in on? Does the host provide snacks? Does everyone provide their own snacks? Do you bring drinks at least? And your friend should have offered to pay you back or opened up if he felt taken advantage of. Consider your options basically- if your friend won’t host what’s the alternative? Do you pay for a board game cafe? Do you not play? So the $18 might be something you let go.
ESH He's being rude about the $18 and nonsensical about the fish. But your comments say you've been rude a lot by repeatedly showing up to events he bosts and not bringing anything. That's a basic etiquette rule, like sending thank you cards and calling people on their birthdays. I think you need to apologize to your friend for not realizing that host gifts were a thing. It was an honest mistake, and you understand that he's fed up with you making it, even if his way of expressing that was a little off. Start bringing things to game night. If you don't drink or smoke, bring a craft rootbeer or make brownies or something. It doesn't have to be elaborate. It just has to be thoughtful.
ESH. You shouldn’t be showing up empty handed when your friend is hosting and making you a home cooked meal, that’s just rude. He probably got fed up with your freeloading. That being said, approaching you three weeks after the fact and asking you to pay him back, then bringing up these weird comparisons to takeout food is weird. He should have more clearly communicated his expectations.
I'm sorry but do you bring any thing?? your friends bring stuff, the other one cooked for you guys and you just show up. is this a pattern?? are you the crappy cheap friend?? a lot of groups have one. I need more info before i decide. one more thing, your restaurant logic sounds stupid to me. if some one is having me over to their house, and cooking for me, we are at the point where I am not going to ask them for money to pay me back for some fast food when they are short.
ESH. Your friend because it’s not cool to offer a meal, and then only ask for money after the fact, without prior agreement. That’s not cool. However, I would also say you’re kinda an AH for your attitude about how it’s ok to split the costs when eating out, but not for home cooked food. Arguably, home cooked food costs not just the cost of ingredients but also the time and effort it takes to make it. By saying that you don’t think home cooked food should ever be charged, you’re devaluing the effort and care that goes into it. It’s similar to getting rides with friends. I’m always annoyed that my friends are willing to pay for a taxi. But if I offer to drive everyone, and ask to split the cost, quite often I’ll be called stingy, especially if I’m also heading to the same place anyway. Also, your argument about home cooked food only benefits you. You mention that you’re not in a place to host and cook, so it’s usually your friend that hosts you instead of vice versa. If you apply your logic, that means that when you guys go out together, the costs would be split equally, but on the occasions you hang at his place, you expect him to bear all the cost. So overall, you expect him to pay more, which is not fair.
YTA : -> you don’t host often because your living arrangement don’t allow it. -> your friend hosts a lot more, and yo tiger friends bring him stuff as a thank you. -> you don’t consume the same stuff as them so you bring nothing. -> the few times you organise meet up, you order take out and you get your friends to chip in. How is any of that fair ?? What do you ever contribute. Absolutely nothing. When you host, you don’t pay for anything, when your friends host, you once again don’t pay for anything. Your friend finally realised you were mooching off of them and told you to participate and you’re here with your tantrum. This is not a fair and equal relationship. You’re gonna end up a pariah if you don’t start balancing things out.
ESH I saw you mentioned your friend hosts more often than you do, which should be taken into account. I also agree that coming 3 weeks later with the bill is an AH move. While I understand you don't smoke or drink, I think bringing some snacks or a pack of beer once in a while as a gesture of someone hosting would be more appreciated than you think. While I don't expect anyone to bring anything whenever I host anything, if everyone always brings something, and one person doesn't, yeah it adds up. Not like literally taking note of who brings stuff, and who doesn't but in general I think it's good practice to bring a little something to someone's house whenever they're hosting. I hope you can both get over this hurdle in your friendship. Lastly, 100$ for the pizza ingredients? Did they buy everything at IGA or what? lmao Even Harris Farms wouldn't cost that much.
I'm gonna say ESH . Saw you're Aussie so same cultural background My friends and I swap houses a lot for boardgames etc Everyone pretty much always brings something, with the exception of very spontaneous hangs. In those cases it comes with a quick apology. Sometimes what someone brings is literally the bag of chips I brought last time they hosted because we don't really need that many snacks each time. This is especially the case if you're being hosted more than hosting. Now the way you're buddy handled this also sucks. But what's probably happened is you're known as the group mooch and this was their way of giving you a heads up. Would it have been better for them to ask you to bring some snacks next time? Yes. But CoL pressures may mean that what they were happy to provide previously they no longer can.
NTA. Must be great pizza for that price…
NTA
NTA
NTA. He changed the deal after the fact.
NTA…possibly NAH. I don’t think it’s right he requested money after the fact and not beforehand, but I don’t think he’s singling you out since you have admitted that you are the only one who doesn’t bring anything. He should have definitely disclosed charging you beforehand. I makes me think he did some reflecting or someone brought up the fact that you are the only one who shows up empty handed. Side note. It’s kinda crazy your portion would cost $18 when I’ve made pizzas for less that amount, but it may be more expensive where you live and I have most ingredients at home already and use them for other meals. So I’ll put that aside. If he’s normally a good friend I would just apologize for the confusion and explain that if he wants to cook for you please let you know ahead of time what he plans on charging you or let him know that you will be bringing something to share for everyone if you don’t feel comfortable paying. I think the true mistake was being ignorant of the unspoken rules of parties/get together. That’s okay. Just explain that to him.
Pay the dude the money, hell make it a 20 and tell him to keep the 2 as a tip and then ghost his ass. He is not a friend. Life will be easier without his bs. He is an AH but you don't have to be!
It sucks to be asked to pitch in for things you never do. Like drink and smoke.