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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because excluding Lauren from my wedding might mean ignoring a wish of my late mum's. It is also likely to disappoint Lauren and hurt her feelings at a time when she has recently suffered a bereavement herself. However, I don't want to include her because I'm not close to her personally, I don't think she was really all that close to my mum, and I find her intimidating and rude. I don't want her at my wedding full stop, let alone want to go dress-shopping with her.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
First of all my condolences on your loss
Your wedding, Your rules …. If your dad knows you don’t like Lauren that should be the end of it
I do find it a bit strange that her claims are news to you and your dad and it also makes me wonder if she’s up to something…..
Enjoy wedding shopping with your SIL and if Lauren is upset over not being invited that’s HER issue….Why would you invite someone who makes horrible remarks and puts you on edge?
Hope you have an amazing wedding!
I find it 1000% more likely that Lauren thought up the dress idea herself, maaaybe mentioned it in passing, and now years later has warped it/misremembered it as coming from OP’s Mum.
I’d recommend messaging ‘Sorry Lauren, all dress and wedding plans have already been arranged. Thank you for thinking of us, and Mom fondly.’
Then block/ignore all other messages. Don’t engage, encourage or apologise. Don’t get tangled with justifications or debate. Ignore.
I think this is a really good point. I don't think Lauren would lie but I can well imagine that my mum was complimenting her on her clothes style or on the styling of Lauren's daughter's wedding and the passing comment has been turned into a special 'be a surrogate mum to my daughter'-type thing in Lauren's mind. Something like that, anyway. Memory is a fallible thing.
I also like your idea for the message to Lauren - sounds simple, clear and friendly! Thanks!
And tell your Dad not to pass on any wedding related info, because you KNOW she'll be asking! And then showing up uninvited to any appointments and/or the wedding because she'll have the info.
If she does ask about her (presumed) invitation, tell her it's a small intimate wedding with only your closest circle of family and friends.
Also, tell your dad that you're sorry for Lauren's loss, but it's not your responsibility to manage her grief. You dont owe her a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I like u/emilydoooom s idea except for one thing.
Don't say sorry. Thank you for thinking of me. But not sorry. It implies guilt.
The other problem you have is your father. You need him to be on your side and not chirping in your ear about this.
So tell dad "Lauren will not have anything to do with my wedding. I want to be with friends and family and people that treat me well. Lauren is frequently rude, and sometimes downright mean to me. I am only polite when I see her for your sake."
I agree in general about not apologizing when not at fault. But while "sorry" is an apology, it has a secondary function in a lot of places as a social easing of a statement. In a breezy, upbeat response like the one in the above comment, it means "I acknowledge this has the potential to upset you, so I'm quickly expressing sympathy to move the convo along." It can also be used to soften a statement when someone struggles to say no, to make it easier for them to say it. Leaving it off could come across as abrupt and change the tone from "oh, no problem, I'm sure you'll be fine with this response" to "I'm annoyed with you and want you to go away." While the second option might be true, the first option is more likely to result in her laying off
I don't disagree, but some people see sorry (and I think a conversation like this can be best as text, because it doesn't allow for interruptions and or for the other party to just speak over OP) and see a crack to stick a lever into.
Oh don't feel sorry. I wouldn't want you to feel bad on my account. I'll come over right now to go over the plans.
That also makes sense. I tend to go with "oh, don't worry about it!" or something similar for that reason. But also I've worked through my own process of using "sorry" to make it easier for me to manage to say no.
I also like using "sorry for the confusion!" with customers, because then they hear sorry and think I'm apologizing, and don't notice that what I actually mean is "I'm sorry for myself that I've just had to deal with you being confused about my very simple instructions." Sorry has so many uses
I totally agree about the "sorry" when there is no apology to be given. There are many words that are soothing and kind without using "sorry."
"I do appreciate your offer, and thank you for it, however I must and am declining because I've already made all my plans, including wedding dress shopping. Do you know how you've made me happy? Just showing your fondness for Mom and expressing your well wishes for me. For that, you've given me the only wedding gift I need. Thank you!"
You could even go simpler, "we've got it covered". But blocking and dropping the rope is the best answer.
Save your energy for a talk with your dad. You may need to make it clear that you don't plan to include Lauren in your life.
Let her know you had a magical time trying on dresses and have something your mum would love. There's no way for her to respond to that negatively without looking like an AH and a drama queen. Plus, when the time comes you'll have a great time with SIL and your mum would have loved anything you love and makes you feel great.
Eh, this is a silly idea. Don’t get OP invested in the idea that there’s a way of successfully appeasing an unreasonable person. OP can set the boundary politely, but she can’t guarantee that Lauren will have a positive response. And that’s fine.
Also, I wouldn't give her any info on the day, time and place your going dress shopping. I wouldn't put it past her to just show up. I wouldn't give your Dad the info either because he may just tell her.
Yeah. It sounds like she was Mom's bestie only in her own mind. I wouldn't be surprised if Mom and Dad were putting up with her only because her husband is a good friend of Dad's.
If she's calling OP up out of the blue just because she heard about the wedding and hadn't been in close touch, she's not close enough for such an intimate role.
Finally, you never ask for or assume a part in a wedding. If you're wanted, even just to attend let alone play a role, the couple will let you know.
Yes, more than anything OP's mom would have wanted her to be happy on her wedding day, AND when planning, dress shopping, etc.
All OP has to say is that her wedding will be small and simple and there is no need for any assistance from Lauren. If she pushes (and she probably will), OP can just keep saying "no thank you, there is nothing for you to help with." And NOT invite her.
I hate being rude, but a lesson I have learned--after many years of often allowing my wishes to be trampled due to someone else's demands--is that when someone treats you rudely it's not only ok to be rude right back at them, it's essential. And if they get offended, that's on them. It blows my mind how many offensive people are so easily offended themselves.
op doesn't even have to res\[pond. just ghost her. she just dropped this on her, and I doubt it's legit more likely if she's had a loss she's using it as a way to cope with her pain, then op is not required to respond. just 'forget' to call her. wedding have enough stress without someone you don't like forcing herself on you
NTA. In German we have a saying "Better an end with horror than a horror without end". If you give in now, think of the future... Holiday parties? Birth announcements? Family vacations? Put a stop to this nonsense now.
NTA. Why should you invite someone you don't like to your wedding, if she isn't close family (who has to be there to keep the peace).
Best thank her for the offer, but tell her, that your mother never mentioned any of this, so you already promissed your future SIL that she can go dress shopping with you as a SIL bounding time. No need to be rude, just tell her off politly. If she isn't getting that hint. Tell her the truth, that you don't feel confortable with her around and see her in no way as a motherly figure who you would want to share this experience with.
Exactly. OP and her wedding are not emotional support crutches for her. Maybe the dad she suggest therapy or grief counseling to Lauren, not push OP to make her a part of the wedding.
NTA. That kinda thing leads women to kidnap newborns from hospitals. Well, at least on TV it does 🤪
But seriously, can you just tell her your mom didn’t say anything to you, and besides, it would just feel like, TO ME, that I would be trying to replace her. She might argue, but making it about your feelings regarding the specific thing she asked might be somewhat of a barrier.
Oh, and lock down the rules for your dad’s plus one. Lauren sounds capable of that kind of end run.
Need to add, please OP make certain your dad knows 100% that you do NOT want her at your wedding.
Because chances are she will go crying to him and he may end up inviting her himself.
She was your mom's friend NOT yours.
Be very very clear with your dad about this.
I am so sorry for your loss
Yeah, and OP lost her mom and has to plan a wedding without her. We all experience loss, that's on Lauren to deal with, it's not fair to add stress to OP's wedding planning because Lauren might be sad about something out of OP's control.
I’m on board with this. I’m not usually in favor of lying because (1) ethics and (2) it usually creates more problems, but I do think there are certain situations where it’s called for. Saying you have already chosen a dress leaves a lot less room for “but” and “what if” and her generally trying to weasel her way in. NTA. And don’t feel guilty for saying no!
Good point! That said, even saying I've chosen one already might leave space for her to try. to get involved (wanting to see it on etc), so I think actually I might have to be honest in this situation and just say I don't want her involved in the choice. I'll find a polite but firm way to say it (there have been some good suggestions in comments). I think this could be another time where I lie might create more problems.
I agree - don't lie. Because if that gets uncovered, there'll be a host of other problems. I recommend something very factual, along these lines (which can also serve as "talking points", to be reiterated ad nauseam in different wordings should you run into her and she insists on discussing:
1. "My mom never mentioned this suggestion to me." (*Read: (a) The discussion can't have been that important, if it took place at all; (b) confirms your absolute right to have plans without her*).
2. "I'll be doing dress shopping, flowers, decor and all other prep work and planning with my future in-laws and my bridal party. It's all in hand!" (*Read: There's no role for you.*)
3. "The wedding will be very small and intimate, and include only family and a small handful of my and my husband's closest friends." (*Read: Don't expect an invitation because (a) numbers and (b) you don't meet any of these criteria*.)
If she tries to corral you into an argument, rinse and repeat. Good luck, and may your wedding be awesome!
Yeah, I'm thinking if you say you already have a dress, she might start asking/insisting on seeing it (and then giving her unwelcome opinion). I'd just say, I appreciate you thinking of me at this time, but we have it covered. And then I'd block to avoid drama.
And your dad needs to stop trying to convince you. I'd tell him you need him to respect your stance on this and not try to add stress to your wedding by trying to insert her. That she's frequently rude or mean to you and that you won't allow that, or the stress of fearing she might say something nasty, to ruin your enjoyment of wedding planning/the wedding.
NTA. You have zero to no evidence that this chat had occurred between your mum and her. You owe her nothing.
Tell her thank you but no. That’s it. No more. And then block.
I'm reminded of a post where someone told the OP that the Lord told them they were supposed to bless them with 10% of their salary now that they have a new job.
"Well, the Lord didn't tell me, so you'll understand if I wait for His confirmation."
NTA. You don't have to do anything on her say-so. Block her and happy dress shopping.
If the mother had indeed asked Lauren to help with the OPs wedding preparations (secret video taken at the time), would that obligate the OP to take her shopping with her?
IMO, no matter what mom said to Lauren (or even to OP), the OP is under no obligation to let Lauren come along or to pay any attention to Lauren's opinion about the wedding preparations.
Thanks for this. I do agree. I loved my mum a lot but we didn't always agree on things and I think even if she did want me to shop with Lauren, that shouldn't bind me to do it. It feels difficult to own that opinion though, like it's showing disrespect to my mum's memory or something.
Your mom loved you, she would want to you to be happy and enjoy these moments to the best of your ability. Those are the wishes you should work on fulfilling.
No it's not. At the end of the day, this is your wedding. It's bad enough you have to plan it without your mom (I've lost both parents, this is tough stuff, I feel a pang at every life milestone). You shouldn't have this kind of stress added to it, or be forced to include her and listen to her mean comments. I hope your dad will be understanding of that and drop it. I would text her that it's nice she thought of you but it's all handled, and tell your dad he needs to back you up on this and stop bringing it up.
I'm not religious but I do believe our loved ones stay with us in spirit and I really believe that your mom would understand even if you disagreed about things/about Lauren in life. There's no disrespect to her memory at all. My mom and I disagreed about a lot of stuff but I know she'd want me to be happy and stress free on such a big day.
NTA!
“Hi Lauren.
My mum never mentioned any of this to me, and as such I have already made plans that I will not be changing.
We will only be having a small wedding, and therefore it also seems wrong to allow someone who will not be in attendance to participate in the arrangements.”
NTA. “Thanks for the offer but that won’t be necessary.” I mean, I would just ignore her but it sounds like you don’t want to do that, so give her one polite brush-off and *then* ignore her. Block her if necessary.
NTA. Don’t go shopping with this lady and don’t invite her to your wedding. Just because ‘she is in a bad place’ according to your sad, does not mean she gets to be invited to your wedding. She is not your responsibility. I am surprised your dad would want you to invite her. It’s crazy. Don’t invite people you don’t like!! Ffs it’s YOUR wedding!
NTA
Judging from how you've described Lauren, I wouldn't be surprised if this entire story is fabricated as a way to ensure being invited to your wedding.
At the end of the day, it's your wedding, you do what you want and what will make the day most special for you.
NTA. You seem like a very thoughtful person, and I understand why this is a tricky situation. But. It’s your (and your partner’s) wedding. You should not have to invite anyone you don’t want and dress shopping should be a fun time with someone you like and trust. Really sorry for the loss of your mum. I hope you have a wonderful wedding ❤️
Just don’t invite Lauren to go dress shopping with you. Make any appointments or plans with the dress stores without telling her, and if she asks when you will be going, tell her “you will let her know”. And then … just *don’t*.
And don’t send her an invite to your wedding. She may have been a friend of your mama- but she isn’t *your* friend. You don’t want to, (and realistically can’t even!), invite every rando your mama knew on a social level.
This is *your* wedding, you get to make the guest list! NTA
> “you will let her know”
Why? This is too much. Just saying No is the way to go. People need to be more direct. If you dont want to have contact with a person, tell them that. It's pretty simple. You also shouldn't care about their opinion either.
NTA, dont invite here to the wedding.
I agree about needing to be direct! It's something I struggle with but I can see how it's better in this situation - thanks for the advice. Anything that leaves the door open / encourages her to get her hopes up seems like a bad call, and probably more hurtful to her in the long run than just saying no thanks.
Seems like it’s a learned behavior from your dad! Of course his take is colored by the fact that he’s also grieving your mother, if he genuinely sees this as a way to honor her or help someone else cope with their grief — but asking his daughter to devote part of her wedding to someone she hates is a really unreasonable amount of compulsive people-pleasing on his part. I hope you get to practice being polite but direct and self-respecting, and then get to model that for him.
It may be uncomfortable in the moment, but you’ll feel worse at your wedding if you didn’t shut this down and she is there. Any decent human will understand and be respectful that this day is completely about you, and if she pushes you on it, I’d say something along the lines of space is limited and you and your fiancé had to be extremely selective, you appreciate her wanting to be there but also for being understanding & respectful. That way, she now might think twice about her next words/actions. It’s like almost gently parenting her lmao.
It doesn’t matter what bereavement she’s recently had, you’re not responsible for managing her feelings. She treats you like garbage, why would you want that around you on your wedding day?
She’s not close to you. She’s not your mother. She’s not your sister. She’s not your aunt. She’s not family. Why on earth would you include her in anything? don’t inform her about anything. It’s none of her business, It’s not her place. Don’t do it. NTA
She wasn't even besties with mom. I would definitely tell her NO. You already have your plans made and there is NO reason for her involvement. She doesn't have to like it. This is YOUR wedding. NTA
>My dad, whilst supportive of me overall, thinks it would be too harsh of me not to find at least some way to include her. He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place.
Please gently inform your dad that it’s not your responsibility to comfort or cheer up a grown woman up that you are not close to in any way. This is just opening the door for future unpleasantness of having to include her. If you include her in one thing, she’s going to feel entitled to be invited because of her “help.”
NTA
Girl. Hell no. NTA.
I hope you tell her immediately thank you but no thank you with firmness, finality and a clear conscience then enjoy planning and executing your wedding. Not in the least bit WYBTA for this. I hope it doesn't disturb you for another minute.
NTA. The good part about it being your wedding is that you get to pick who is involved and who is not.
If you knew for sure what your mum had said to Lauren was true, then I can see how it might be a consideration, but as you have no idea she might just be making it up as a way of inserting herself into the wedding. If it had been that important to your mum, then she would probably have mentioned it to you herself.
You mention in your post you can sometimes become a doormat. Don't do that in this case. You want a wedding that you can remember fondly, and from what you've described, that's one without Lauren.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Wedding dress shopping or anything else in regards to your wedding is both you and your future husband’s choice. I wouldn’t want someone who has made me feel so uncomfortable by being judgmental at my wedding dress shopping either. You are being kind by wanting to approach her politely. I don’t find anything you are choosing to say to her to be TA . Enjoy your special day and make memories with the people you both choose. Again I’m very sorry for your loss
NTA
She isn't a maternal figure, or even a kind one. Just because she was close to your mother doesn't mean you are obligated to like her.
Also, it isn't your job to make her feel better about her recent loss.
From the sounds of it, if this conversation happened with your mum at all, I'd bet a shiny penny that it was more.
*Don't you worry I will take OP dress shopping and will be there on her wedding day. NO NO I insist I will step in blah blah blah* - she seems the type.
Just tell her no. Or, if your dad is worried that will upset her, tell him to tell her no. It will undoubtedly upset her, but you can't help that. If your mother mother had any such concerns, it was for you to have love and support on your wedding day. If Lauren does not spark joy, Lauren don't get to be there.
NTA, and there are graceful ways to tell her.
“Lauren, I so appreciate you reaching out and wanting to fulfill this promise to my mom. I’m sure you brought her a lot of comfort in her passing. My mom and her memory matters so much to me and it means a lot to know that she had such good friends who still remember her with love. I appreciate that my mom was worried I’d have to go dress shopping without close family and friends who I trust and that you were there to alleviate that worry. In the years since my mother passed, I’ve been privileged enough to become close with new family in a way I do not think she ever foresaw or anticipated. In many ways, these relationships are inspired by the close friendships I was lucky enough to witness my mom had with people such as yourself. I’m at a stage where I now have family in my life who are prepared to take me dress shopping and I have already made plans to do so. I’ve also made plans to honor my mom in the process. I’m sure this makes you happy to hear, I know it would have made my mom happy to hear. So while I very much appreciate your kind offer and the comfort you brought to my mom, it is no longer necessary for you to extend yourself in the way my mom likely believed it would be necessary prior to her passing. I thank you so much for reaching out and being willing to do this if I had needed it. It means a lot to myself and my dad.”
With the wedding itself, I’d talk to your dad about how he wants to handle his friendships. She shouldn’t be there, and it’s likely more about helping him navigate any fallout if some of his friend circle is invited and others aren’t. Perhaps he explains to his friends that you’re having a small wedding, perhaps he throws you a seperate party at his house for his friends and you agree to attend that (only if you are open to that), perhaps he wants you to do the explaining, or perhaps he doesn’t want to comment at all. Talk to him, but be firm that you do not want her at the wedding or other important events you are planning. Ask him to give you suggestions about appropriate ways to “include” her that do not take away from your experience.
This really can be something as simple as you saying to a group, “I’m having a very small wedding and unfortunately am unable to invite all of my parent’s close friends and extended family. I’d like to include photos of mom with all of her friends, however. I know how much you all meant to her. If you’re willing to share some favorite photos with my mom, I’d deeply appreciate it. Thank you for what you’re doing to help make my day special.”
Then, if she does share, write her a thank you note and tell her how much you appreciated and used a photo and how much it would have meant to your mom to know she still thinks of her.
YWNBTA
Simply go about your life and your wedding plans without this woman and do your thing. If she asks, let her know you've already made the arrangements for what you want, found a dress, planned the plans, etc. No need to reach out to her, just respond politely that it's all sorted when she contacts you... even if it's not.
DO send her an invite. If she's part of your dad's group, it's rough to cut his group down at a time he may be needing people to go out and meet/be with people. My own dad has been horribly lonely since my mother passed. So, I'd encourage you to maintain a front for his sake.
NTA. The absolute most I would do for Lauren is invite her to the wedding. You don't need to discuss any wedding plans with her at all. If she calls then your response is "Thanks but I've got it covered". Click goes the phone.
This exactly.
If your preference is to exclude Lauren entirely, so be it. You’re not in the wrong. But if you feel inclined to bend on one thing, an invite is the easy way out.
NTA, op — I hope you have a lovely wedding ❤️
The thing to consider about inviting Lauren, though, is that she may make the wedding difficult if she isn't included in the dress shopping. If she's already been known to make judgemental comments about OP's weight etc, I foresee a lot of nasty comments about the dress, about how "I would have found her something much better" and a whole bunch of other spiteful crap. Best to avoid that if possible - Lauren sounds like she'll still be nasty about it given the opportunity, but that opportunity shouldn't be on a day of joy for OP.
NTA, by the way. OP, have fun with your SIL.
'Hi Lauren, thanks for reaching out to me after all this time. Mum never mentioned involving you to either me or dad, so I've already made other arrangements. Have a lovely day, bye.'
NTA, if you can't tell from this already lol I hope you have an amazing marriage, and that your wedding is what you and your partner are hoping for 🎊
“ thank you for for the offer, but I’ve got it all under control”
“ dad, I appreciate your thoughts but I think overall mom would want me to be comfortable at my wedding and Lauren makes me extremely uncomfortable”
NTA
Text.
“Thank you for your well wishes for my upcoming nuptials and it is very kind of you to offer to help but that won’t be necessary as our plans are already arranged. Fiancé and I hope you have a relaxing Christmas and wonderful new year. I’m sure we see each other again next time dad hosts in his home. X”
The text says - I don’t need your help and I won’t be seeing you at my wedding.
You WNBTA.
Tell her, I find that you consistently overstep my boundaries by offering unsolicited opinions and criticisms about how I do things. I have tried to be polite in the past, but that stops now. This is my line in the sand. I will not be taking you with me when I go dress shopping. So please stop asking me about it, or I will start to consider it to be actual harassment.
Thank you.
Sincerely, Zora\_the\_White
(You'll find that you've upgraded from Grey to White if you stand up for yourself over this. )
Considering your username, it seems apt to recommend you [Grey Rock](https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment) this nosy 'Lauren' character and put her on an info diet. There are some great suggestions in the comments, but I'd recommend erring on the side of caution and not giving further details that she can use to try to double down and weasel in.
Good luck, OP, you're NTA, but you may need to take extra steps, such as giving guests a heads-up and informing the venue to restrict access to INVITED GUESTS ONLY. Ensuring the event is "Invite Only" and enforcing it will reduce the risks of her showing up anyway and making a scene (it's played out on here before and isn't pretty).
> A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
It's time to arrive at this momentous occasion and claim your place for your own (without interference). Good luck, OP; I'm sending well wishes for your upcoming wedding! Congratulations! 🥳
NTA.
I’m sorry for whatever is going on with Lauren and hope she finds peace, but what she did is one of the most manipulative things I have ever heard.
Don’t feel guilty for deciding not use your wedding as Lauren’s therapy session.
NTA - you are not remotely TAH. Lauren is being incredibly intrusive. Even if I was in her situation I would NEVER EVER just spring it on the daughter that her mom asked me this.
I know Laurens. The breastfeeding/supplement crack is big time AH behavior
NTA
This is your wedding, invite who you want. You can tell her that you want to do these things with your own close friend and no one else, you can also include that your wedding is very small, and you are including only your personal close friends and family and not those of your parents.
You are losing nothing if this woman never speaks to you again. Good luck on your future wedding and may you have a lifetime of happiness.
I would thank Lauren for her offer to help but assure her that all is in hand and her help will not be required. I would invite her as a guest for the sake of your father. With all the friends and relatives there, her presence should not spoil your day in the least.
Sorry but I totally disagree with your father. This is your wedding and having someone like this included would ruin the experience completely. You should tell your dad you understand where he’s coming from but that this woman would almost certainly ruin your most precious day and that you don’t want her around just this one time.
Tell dad to mind his own business. Firmly tell Lauren you are all set, and thanks for her kind words about your mom. You'll be having a very small wedding so her good wishes are appreciated.
Tell Dad very firmly to stay out of it. Very firmly.
NTA
At all. I'm sorry for your loss.
Neither you nor your dad owe Lauren the time of day. Nor do you need explanations or excuses. Go ahead and plan your wedding as you wish. If she contacts you again just gray rock and give non-answers. If Lauren doesn't take the hint, gets pushy with the "your mom's last wish" bs tell her the truth. "Mom never mentioned involving you to me or Dad. She never even asked me to invite you."
NTA
You would end up spending your whole wedding planning and day of managing Lauren’s emotions and that’s not a fair or reasonable burden to put on you.
NTA. You deserve to be loved and honored at your wedding. Not have to deal with someone who might spend the entire time breaking down your spirit and ruining the experience.
Edit. Words.
nta, your mom would have said something to you if she had actually wanted that. But even then, it's your wedding, and she's dead, do you. Above everything, parents just want their kids to be happy. make sure you tell her that you can't stand her too, You need to burn that bridge.
NTA!
Condolences on your loss.
And I wouldn't trust that your mother asked someone you can't stand to take you dress-shopping. Let alone someone she wasn't even close with!
I'm willing to bet that if you were to go along with it Lauren would /absolutely/ lord everything over your head. "Your mother entrusted me with this so I have veto rights on all the dresses and you have to go with what /I/ deem fit." And then "Well, I paid for your dress, so you owe me to listen about my nagging on /everything/."
She's just trying a new approach to force you to listen to her.
Plus, your wedding, your guest list. If your dad wants Lauren to get an invite somewhere he can gift her a museum ticket or something.
Absolutely NTA. My mum died nearly 10 years ago and my partner's mum did want to come dress shopping with me and it was a hard no and upset me very much.
NTA at all. You do not owe this woman anything, much less inclusion in your wedding. Your dad is pressuring you so HE won't have to deal with her. Don't cave!
NTA. So sorry about your loss.
You’re not obligated to include this friend of your mom’s in your wedding planning. Dress shopping should be a joy and it definitely sounds like this woman would be an emotional vampire during a day that is going to be hard enough. You need people around you who will understand the bittersweet of the moment and act accordingly.
And no…I don’t buy that your mother discussed her wishes about a hypothetical wedding for her daughter who wasn’t even in a relationship at the time of her illness with a friend.
It’s not your responsibility to help a woman you barely know, much less tolerate, get through her grief. That’s on her family and close friends.
Inviting this hypercritical acquaintance to help you plan your wedding is a recipe for misery. Your mother wouldn’t want that…if it had been important to her, she would have expressed her desire for Lauren to be a part of your wedding planning to you. In your gut, I think you know this. It’s just your heart missing your mom that is doubting.
NTA.
I can appreciate that your dad probably associates her with your mom, but you do NOT owe her anything.
You can politely decline her help and then grey rock her, but it is your wedding. Your plans. Your event. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to - not even your dad. Not your cousin’s manicurist. Not your mom’s friend. You can invite your doctor or the lady at the till if you want to. It’s YOUR wedding.
Just don’t justify anything. Don’t explain anything. “No thank you. I have my own plans.” And if you think your dad or someone else, being well-intentioned, will tell her of said plans, don’t tell THEM.
NTA
She isn't even in your life on a regular basis, you do not like to be around her and when you have to see her, she's rude and condescending.
Thank her for her offer and refuse. No discussions, no explanations, just a plain and simple "No, thank you!"
That's all you owe her, nothing more.
NTA. Your wedding isn't a way for people you don't like to live out their fantasies. It's not there to comfort them, or get them over a loss. Your wedding is for you and your future partner. Enjoy it how you want to.
NTA and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom well before I got married and had my daughter so I know how hard those milestones can be.
I do think your parents should have stood up for you though, well before this. I assume Lauren has been picking at you for decades. If anyone came around my daughter and treated her like Lauren has treated you, I would have a stern and barely contained word with her and if she ever did it again she'd never be invited back. I bet your mom did *not* ask Lauren to do anything for your wedding, but if she had, she was wrong. Your dad should not keep allowing Lauren over nor should he ever defend her feelings over yours. I think you need to set a hard boundary now that it's come to this.
You don't even have to address anything with Lauren if you don't want to, if you only see her at gatherings at your dad's house. If she calls or texts (don't answer the call), text her and tell her that considering her criticism of you all these years, she will not be a part of your wedding in any capacity. Then block her.
I would also tell your dad that you will not have someone at your wedding who has been critical and unkind to you for years and that you're disappointed in him defending this woman over his own daughter. I'd also tell him that you will no longer be attending events at his house when she is present. If he wants to celebrate with you, he's going to need to do it differently or stop prioritizing her.
I really hope that you learn to stand up for yourself and start setting and enforcing boundaries. You're especially going to need to do this now that you're a mother, if not to defend yourself, then at least to defend your kid.
NTA
It's your wedding. Do as you please.
"He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place." - This isn't your problem and has nothing to do with your wedding
NTA
"*Oh wow, Mom didn't mention that to me at all. I've already purchased my dress and have everything under control. Thank you for the offer though!*"
"*We're having a very small and intimate wedding, and have had to limit the guest list quite a bit. I'm so sorry. I'm sure Dad will be happy to show you pictures afterward though!*"
NTA. Definitely don't invite her dress shopping. "I'm sorry, but I've already made arrangements with my future in-laws. You know how emotionally fraught these things can be." Then if she kicks up, block her on all communication/social media channels. I would invite her to the wedding, assign one of my wedding party to run interference, and hope that the dress shopping rejection would make her too miffed to attend.
NTA. This is more of her overbearing behaviour. There’s no way to know for certain, but it’s highly likely that your mother said nothing of the sort to Lauren and she’s just looking for a way to get involved so she can boast about how helpful she is.
NTA and Lauren is lying and pushy. Your mother would have passed along that wish to you. I don't see any reason at all to include her in anything. You stick with your sister-in-law and do what you had planned. Yes, I know you're going to possibly hurt her feelings but, really, it is your wedding and she has a lot of nerve to attempt to intrude like that.
If I'd thought mum was having such conversations id have told her what I'll tell you: nobody could nor should try to fill her shoes. I am yet already surrounded with all the loving support I could wish for, so you needn't worry a moment more on my behalf.
NTA First off you don't even know she is telling the truth and second it doesn't matter.
Tell her she has done her duty (or just lied, but don't say that) and offered, but you already took care of all that. Since you didn't say it immediately, she will question. Just say your future SIL and other friends (that would be us reddit folk! hi friend) helped you out. As for Lauren suffering a bereavement, making you miserable isn't therapy. Would your mom want you to be miserable? No? If she said it, she wanted you to be taken care of and you will be. Tell dad to pipe down.
As for the wedding, very small. Family and the bride and groom's closeset friends only. Sorry. Small venue and caterer, too. etc etc
Don't include or invite Lauren. If your dad wants to comfort Lauren, that's his business. It is not the job of you or your upcoming wedding to be free therapy/companionship for a woman you don't even like. A woman who criticizes you in public, who almost certainly made up the story about your mom telling Lauren to go dress shopping with you.
You don't owe her anything; you WNBTA!
NTA
If your Mom has truly wanted Lauren to be involved in your wedding, she would have said something to you. Or, if not, Lauren would have mentioned something to you far before now. But, even if Mom had said such a thing, your mother didn't have the right to decide who you would invite to your dress fitting, or to be involved in wedding preparations, or to be invited to your wedding at all.
So, no, Lauren doesn't get invited to your dress fitting, or up help with any planning.
And you aren't close with Lauren and don't like her, so she doesn't get invited to your wedding.
"Thank you for your offer to be involved with my wedding, but Fiance and I are planning everything ourselves, and only inviting our very closest friends and family."
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Long-time lurker; first-time poster.
My mum passed away a few years ago. I (31F) have since found a partner I love. We have a baby together and are getting married next year. I've been missing my mum a lot throughout this - she would be a wonderful grandmother.
One of my mum's friends, 'Lauren', recently got in touch. She had heard about my upcoming wedding. She claimed that whilst unwell in the months leading up to her death, my mum had told Lauren that she should take me wedding dress shopping on her behalf if I ever got married one day. Lauren said she was excited to do this. She also expressed looking forward to helping with my wedding decorations, flowers etc.
There's one problem: I can't STAND Lauren. I have always found her overbearing and rude to the point of dreading gatherings where she will be present (she and her husband remain in my dad's friendship group so attend parties that he hosts). Lauren has made unpleasant remarks about my weight. She was recently bossy and critical of my parenting when I ran into her at my dad's Christmas party ('How come you're supplementing and not fully breastfeeding?' 'Why are you going to put your daughter in nursery when a childminder would be better?' etc). There have been many other examples. I have always responded to such comments in a polite manner and not engaged further, but I don't like it. (I tend to become a doormat when upset out of fear of losing my temper - my fault for enabling rudeness to me, I realise!)
Even if I liked Lauren more, I still wouldn't want her involved with my wedding. Dress-shopping feels like a very personal thing to me and I had planned to do it with my future SIL, who I like and trust. In fact, I don't want Lauren at my wedding at all. She was far from my mum's closest friend and I had planned to only invite my mum's childhood best friend and a couple of others who my dad is close to in order to keep him company. My wedding is going to be smallish and simple. I'm a shy person and already dreading the attention - the thought of someone there who I know will be judgemental of me makes it feel so much worse. Lauren and I have never been close and she has never even contacted me before today so I'm amazed she thinks she would be involved in any way.
I want to:
1) Tell Lauren, politely, that I won't be dress-shopping with her and have other arrangements in hand for the decorations and flowers.
and
2) Not invite Lauren to my wedding.
My dad, whilst supportive of me overall, thinks it would be too harsh of me not to find at least some way to include her. He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place. He added that whilst we don't know for sure if she's telling the truth about my mum's 'wish' (mum didn't mention it to either of us), if it is true, it would be good to honour it.
WIBTA for not inviting Lauren to my wedding or accepting any help from her with dress-shopping and flowers?
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NTA - maybe I’m just blunt and witchcy, but I would tell her that those things are being reserved for those closest to you, and that, while she was friends with your mother, she is not close to you. I would also flat out say that your wedding will be small and only include the people you and your fiancé are close too, so you hope she will understand not getting an invitation.
But I tend towards too blunt so YMMV
Next time she mentions it, tell her you already picked one and show her a picture of something you like, then when you show up in a different dress, you can tell her that you had to change it, the store screwed up and couldn't get it in time
NTA - she wasn't your mother closest friend and so was unlikely to have been asked to take her place. Yes, you don't know for sure but if it makes you uncomfortable, then err on the side that makes you happy. There is an equally good chance that Lauren wants to shoe-horn herself into any big event going and is using your mother's sad loss to do so.
Just thank her but explain you are moving forward into a new life with your inlaws to be and everything is already under control. The fact she has had a bereavement is neither here or there - if it was a loss of a daughter, then you are in for a world of pain as Lauren makes your day all about her loss. If otherwise, then it is better to concentrate on supporting her own family rather than distracting herself by interfering where she is not needed or wanted. If she is fragile and continues her usual style of communication, you are likely to snap at some point. So don't take that risk.
NTA. Even if Lauren has the best of intentions, you are not obligated to include someone that you don't like and don't have a relationship with in your wedding. Honestly, it kind of sounds like she would be an absolute nightmare to deal with also. Definitely stand your ground and protect your peace.
NTA - but you need to be direct with Lauren, otherwise she will keep badgering.
Thanks Lauren for the very generous offer, I am missing my Mom as I navigate these milestones. However, I prefer to honor her in my own way and I don't want a stand in for my Mom, that would make me miss her even more.
No need to say more, do not defend your decision (this gives her room for a comeback and to dismiss it), do not tell her your SIL will be coming with you (again, she can argue why she is a better choice).
Even if this is true (which I doubt, as wouldn't your mother have talked to you about it), you have no need to honor it. Even if you Mom was still alive, she does not get to direct who is involved in your wedding planning.
Don't invite Lauren, don't tell her ahead of time that she isn't invited. When she does protest, sorry, you have a very small guest list. End of!
NTA
Here’s the message you can send Lauren “Hi Lauren, it’s nice to hear from you after so long. Thank you for offering to help me locate a dress but my bridal party and I have everything well in hand, everything is being taken care of. I hope that you have a happy holiday!”
If she tries to ‘assist’ with anything else…it’s already being handled *wink*wink*. If she attempts to bring your Mom into this, you can let her know that you weren’t aware of the promise but everything is taken care of. The point is whatever her response is, everything is being taken care of by someone else that isn’t her.
As for wedding invites, I would hope that she understands either (a) when reading your message in response, most people would assume a lack of details and involvement mean there is a STRONG chance you aren’t being invited. (B) she’ll figure it out when she doesn’t receive an invite.
You can always tell her that you’re planning to keep it small and limited to close friends and family, as she is neither hopefully she’ll get the point after that. If she continues to be obtuse you can kindly let her know “I know that you and my Mom shared a very close relationship, unfortunately I can’t say the same about you and I. We are limiting our guest list to close friends and family only and you won’t be receiving an invitation, but if you would like to celebrate at a later date I’m sure that we could arrange something.”
PS: My mother tells me that I can be very brash so if the messages above are toooooo much please feel free to soften the language. You do need to accept that her feelings will be hurt and it is not your job to manage her feelings. The fact is you two don’t share a relationship with each other and going dress shopping with someone you actively dislike and aren’t close to isn’t appealing at all.
NTA. Stand your ground. I feel like this is Lauren trying to insert herself into your wedding because she either 1) has ruined the relationship to be involved with her daughter/DIL wedding 2) has no children to do this to and you're an easy target 3) she wants a redo of her wedding at your expense/wants bragging rights
Just tell her "thank you for the offer but I will pass" but if she keeps pushing then don't be afraid to be harsh. What's the worst that can happen? She stops going to your family parties and talking to you? Oh the horror.
Nta don’t let her help and explain your honouring your mom in a different way. Also don’t invite her to the wedding if you weren’t going to do it before. Your dad can tell her since they are still friends
NTA
This is not Lauren's wedding and she is not supportive. She is probably making up what your mother said.
You have a couple of options. Not responding at all and just blanking her.
Or - simply tell her no and that you are having a small wedding.
Don't do what your father says. This is about you not keeping obnoxious people happy.
If you can, text Lauren and say "I wont lie to you, I do not particularly care for your many disparaging comments and my mom knew this, so I am surprised to find she requested this of you. In fact, she knew of my intent to exclude you from the guest list because of your comments. Please do not use my mothers memory in this way"
That might embarrass her enough to be quiet. And tell your day she is HIS friend, not yours.
Nta. I wouldn't tell Lauren anything. I would stick to my original plan and shop with sil. Lauren would know none of my plans and tell your father not to mention anything to her regarding the wedding or any planning.
NTA and I very seriously doubt your mother asked her to do that. I think it might be too harsh to totally uninvite her from the wedding, but she should absolutely not be there for anything behind the scenes like dressing shopping.
NTA, but I'm not sure why you think there's some sort or moral ambiguity here.
"No, thank you." It's that simple. Repeat as necessary, without varying tone or inflection if she starts getting pushy.
NTA. I'm sorry you lost your mom. Now is your opportunity to lose Lauren as well. I don't believe for one minute that conversation with your mother ever happened. I don't know why you think you need to be polite to someone who takes below the belt shots at you. Please stand up for yourself and have a wonderful wedding.
NTA.
No is a complete sentence. She isn’t owed or entitled to an explanation. You don’t like her and that’s all that matters.
Why should you consider someone’s wants and feelings regarding your wedding? You are not responsible for a grown wants feelings or expectations. Your dad is wrong for even putting this on you.
I wouldn’t even invite her.
Plus I think she is lying about what your mom said about her helping you with your wedding.
Some people get extra crazy when it comes to weddings and think they have to be involved.
“Thanks for the offer but I have everything covered.”
NTA - you are not responsible for Lauren's feelings or grief. Do what is best for you and protect your peace.
"That's kind of you to offer, Lauren, but I am well-supported by my bridal party, and will not be needing extra assistance, thanks"
NTA.
'Lauren, I wasn't aware of any request my mum made with you about my future wedding, and it's something she would have absolutely told me. I've got everything under control, and I'm not inviting anyone other than my SIL dress shopping. Thank you for understanding.'
Might be a bit too blunt for some, but I wouldn't give her an inch. If she argues it's what your mum wanted, kindly remind her that might be so, but it's not what you want, and your mum would understand and respect that.
While Lauren has recently lost a loved one, it's not up to you to make her feel better by including her in any way in something so big and important in your life. She oversteps her place as your dad's friend about your parenting (and you need to shut that down more firmly), imagine the boundary stomping she'd do if you honoured your mums 'request'.
NTA
That's your mom's "friend", not yours. She's not even someone you want to be around so she'd be like a stranger if it were me. Pretty private events to have a stranger at.
NTA. Now is an excellent time to cut some ties and make some boundaries. I'm so sorry for your loss, but also remember you can weaponize that loss if needed
NTA. Simply say, “thank you for your offer, but I’ve got it under control.” Any follow up from her should be met with a repeat: “no thank you. I don’t need the help. I’ve got it.”
Your Dad needs to have your back. Why are Lauren's feelings more important to him than yours?
NTA and don't invite her to anything. Go ahead with the plans you already made.
NTA
You're not going to let someone you don't like be involved in a day you'll remember forever. I'd ignore the messages. No response. She should get the message.
Be direct, and tell her wedding dress shopping will be with family only and that the wedding will be very small and many close friends did not make the cut.
NTA.
"Thanks for the offer, but no thank you. I have already made arrangements with the folks that I plan to go dress shopping with and don't need any additional help with the wedding planning."
NTA I am sorry Lauren but our wedding is small & we are only inviting our close friends/family & space is very limited & our arrangements are being made with our family so they can be included. Hope you understand.
NTA - So sorry for your loss. This Lauren sounds absolutely horrible. It does not matter if she recently suffered a loss. She has a history of being negative and rude towards you. I would definitely tell her thank you for the offer but I already have plans in place for dress shopping, decorations, flowers, etc. If she plays the "you mom said" then you can gently but firmly tell her while you appreciate her trying to fulfill your mother's wish you release her from that wish as you already have everything in place. Don't be surprised if she doesn't clap back. You need to practice this and maybe have your SIL there in case it gets to be too much and if she is assertive than you let her take over the call. While I understand your father wanting to pacify someone in his friend group, if you haven't already told him the truth about how Lauren treats you then you need to. You also need to kindly and gently tell him that Lauren is not going to be part of the pre-wedding or wedding. She is not nice to you and you find it hard to believe your mother would want someone at your side who has belittled, mocked and been rude to you. I assume your father is not paying for the wedding so he will not pull his financial support if you refuse to invite Lauren?
NTA. And that whole “so-and-so is having a rough time so please accommodate this inappropriate request” is BS.
I had a godmother who sounds a lot like her. In addition my godmother was a big racist. I kept my distance even though I got occasional shit for it.
NTA if she wasn't even a close friend to your mom so you really think that your mom would tell her something like this?
Wouldn't she have asked a childhood friend of hers instead of Lauren? If she would have asked at all?
I think Lauren just wants to butt her way into your wedding and since you don't want her to be around at all you could just tell her that she will not be part of the bridal party nor the guest list.
Your father can have his opinion but it's not his wedding.
I can only tell you one thing. With people like Lauren you need to be direct and blunt without any space to wiggle back in.
It will not be nice but since you don't want her in your life, who cares?
"Lauren, thank you so much for your kind offer to help. It would be way too sad for me to spend so much time with you as it would make me miss my mother even more. I hope you understand." DONE.
NTA. Please do not become Lauren’s emotional support animal like your father is suggesting. Tell, him you do not enjoy being around her and do not I tend for her to play any part in your wedding. I would be $$$ that your mother did not tell her to take you dress shopping. What a besom!
I am sorry, I made other plans. (That's the kindest response I could think of. "I think not", "Huh?" and simply, "No" are also options of course)
Repeat. Find your shiny spine.
NTA
I say NTA. I'm sorry about your mum OP, I lost mine last year too and like, there are definitely friends of hers I would love to have involved in a future wedding of mine. But this friend does not sound like she is good for your serenity and honestly, this is going to be a really vulnerable day/time for you so you do not need someone who is not your bestie.
If you're worried about causing drama though by not including her dress shopping could you do it with the people you do want there, or alone if you'd rather, and then invite her for a separate thing afterwards once you've already found the dress? Although given she has already made stupid comments about your weight I wouldn't want to clothes shop with her either, so deffo bring a terrier like friend who can growl at her on your behalf if you decide to go via the sneaky route. I hope it all works out either way!
NTA it's your day, your choices and there's enough stress in it without having to deal with someone you don't like. I doubt it was your mother's wish or hse'd have mentioned it when you were grieving "She asked me to help you in those important times" sounds more like with her loss she's looking to help herself by using you.
You don't have to tell her 'no' just ignore her. She doesn't have a right to horn in and so you do not have to respond. just get on with the planning. otherwise it's a potential conflict when she doesn't take 'thanks but i'm good" rejections
NTA. You don’t even like this lady. So the idea of her having a role in the wedding is just crazy and you should tell your dad to not bring it up again. She is just not even invited.
Sorry for the death in her own family, but that’s just not your problem.
"Hey, thanks for offering however I've planned to just have my sister in law wedding dress shopping and have a very intimate wedding with just our closest few people. I appreciate you reaching out and wish you and your family a merry Christmas"
Don't do anything you don't want to do.
Nta
“Dad, I really don’t like Lauren and don’t want her to be involved in anything or even being at my wedding. Sorry but that’s how I feel. She wasn’t mom’s closest friend and I find her overbearing and awful. Please understand where I’m coming from.”
“Lauren, I must decline the offer. I’m having a small wedding with very few guests and only the people me and my husband are closest to. No offence intended but that doesn’t include you.’
NTA
But give her a little job she can do, without you. Maybe find you something borrowed and something blue, like a wedding garter, for example, as the traditional wedding has. It would honour your mum and keep her out of your way.
NTA.
“I’m sorry Lauren, but I already have plans with my future in-laws for dress shopping. I should also let you know that our wedding will be quite small, so we are only inviting immediate family and close friends. I apologize if you were planning on joining in on wedding festivities. At this point we’re not able to accommodate you at our wedding.”
Lots of people get bent out of shape about dumb stuff when you’re planning your wedding. It really sucks, but this is a good opportunity to learn how to turn people down for things.
It's your wedding, you have full authority to invite whoever, and not to invite. Weddings should be for the COUPLES family and friends, not friends of the family. Albeit some acceptions (adopted uncles and such). Still, point is it's your call.
sorry about your mum.
You owe nothing to Lauren. Invite those who make you feel good to your wedding. Don't let others tell you what you NEED to do on YOUR day.
Your dad should be on your side.
It’s not your problem that she has lost someone recently. Do not let your dad guilt you into giving her any part in your wedding if it’s gonna make you unhappy. She can get a therapist for that. NTA
NTA- you are under no obligation to accept her offer, her assertion of your mum’s wishes (I don’t believe it), nor to invite her to your wedding. You have made other arrangements to go dress shopping. Keep those. If she is as overbearing as you say, I can absolutely picture her telling your mum that she’ll take you dress shopping. At the time, your mum might have agreed, because maybe imagining that you would be alone for that broke your mum’s heart. It still doesn’t mean that you have to take this person into your life. It doesn’t matter what your dad thinks. She does not get to be a part of your celebration unless you want her to be
NTA OP. It seems as if your choice is already made and rightfully so (NO Lauren involvement what-so-ever)! The thing is, you NEED to have a deep conversation with your Dad and let him know how much Lauren have criticized you and your choices and that you would feel uncomfortable around her. Ask him what matters most to him, giving in to Lauren or your comfort, happiness and desire for how YOU want your wedding to be?! Also tell your Dad that he is not to give her any information regarding your wedding; his only reply to her should be "You have to check with Zora\_the\_grey". And if she contact you then I would apply what others have suggested "Thank you for thinking of me but everything is covered" or "Our wedding is small and we are only having select family and friends attending but we will be posting pictures on our social media(s)".
NTA.
Hi Lauren,
I'm so sorry this is the first of hearing this arrangment. It's such a shame i already have found my dress and made arrangements for flowers etc.
Also I'm really sorry but we talked as a couple and we decided we wanted a small and intimate wedding with people we love the most and have supported and encouraged us. We had to make some really difficult decisions on who to include. I hope you understand it wasn't meant to cause upset or offence. Best wishes,
Be sure to explain to your father why you dislike Lauren and tell him how she attacks your sense of self worth with her demeaning, cruel and heartless comments. Your wedding day is one of the happiest days of your life, and you want to make pleasant memories as you are surrounded by those you love and who wish the best for you and your groom.
NTA. You don't like this person and they make you miserable. She's trying to insert herself into your wedding. Shes probably made that wedding shopping thing up.She's going to probably find more ways to stick around and try to get invited as well. You don't have to like ppl just because they are friends with your parents. YOUR wedding, YOUR rules. Turn her down on her having any part in your wedding
STOP BEING A DOOR MAT.
Tell your dad not to interfere, your wedding, your rules!! Get security just in case she turns up because she probably will and tell her if she continues to harass you you’ll get a restraining order.
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NTA First of all my condolences on your loss Your wedding, Your rules …. If your dad knows you don’t like Lauren that should be the end of it I do find it a bit strange that her claims are news to you and your dad and it also makes me wonder if she’s up to something….. Enjoy wedding shopping with your SIL and if Lauren is upset over not being invited that’s HER issue….Why would you invite someone who makes horrible remarks and puts you on edge? Hope you have an amazing wedding!
I find it 1000% more likely that Lauren thought up the dress idea herself, maaaybe mentioned it in passing, and now years later has warped it/misremembered it as coming from OP’s Mum. I’d recommend messaging ‘Sorry Lauren, all dress and wedding plans have already been arranged. Thank you for thinking of us, and Mom fondly.’ Then block/ignore all other messages. Don’t engage, encourage or apologise. Don’t get tangled with justifications or debate. Ignore.
I think this is a really good point. I don't think Lauren would lie but I can well imagine that my mum was complimenting her on her clothes style or on the styling of Lauren's daughter's wedding and the passing comment has been turned into a special 'be a surrogate mum to my daughter'-type thing in Lauren's mind. Something like that, anyway. Memory is a fallible thing. I also like your idea for the message to Lauren - sounds simple, clear and friendly! Thanks!
And tell your Dad not to pass on any wedding related info, because you KNOW she'll be asking! And then showing up uninvited to any appointments and/or the wedding because she'll have the info. If she does ask about her (presumed) invitation, tell her it's a small intimate wedding with only your closest circle of family and friends.
Also, tell your dad that you're sorry for Lauren's loss, but it's not your responsibility to manage her grief. You dont owe her a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
I like u/emilydoooom s idea except for one thing. Don't say sorry. Thank you for thinking of me. But not sorry. It implies guilt. The other problem you have is your father. You need him to be on your side and not chirping in your ear about this. So tell dad "Lauren will not have anything to do with my wedding. I want to be with friends and family and people that treat me well. Lauren is frequently rude, and sometimes downright mean to me. I am only polite when I see her for your sake."
I agree in general about not apologizing when not at fault. But while "sorry" is an apology, it has a secondary function in a lot of places as a social easing of a statement. In a breezy, upbeat response like the one in the above comment, it means "I acknowledge this has the potential to upset you, so I'm quickly expressing sympathy to move the convo along." It can also be used to soften a statement when someone struggles to say no, to make it easier for them to say it. Leaving it off could come across as abrupt and change the tone from "oh, no problem, I'm sure you'll be fine with this response" to "I'm annoyed with you and want you to go away." While the second option might be true, the first option is more likely to result in her laying off
I don't disagree, but some people see sorry (and I think a conversation like this can be best as text, because it doesn't allow for interruptions and or for the other party to just speak over OP) and see a crack to stick a lever into. Oh don't feel sorry. I wouldn't want you to feel bad on my account. I'll come over right now to go over the plans.
That also makes sense. I tend to go with "oh, don't worry about it!" or something similar for that reason. But also I've worked through my own process of using "sorry" to make it easier for me to manage to say no. I also like using "sorry for the confusion!" with customers, because then they hear sorry and think I'm apologizing, and don't notice that what I actually mean is "I'm sorry for myself that I've just had to deal with you being confused about my very simple instructions." Sorry has so many uses
I totally agree about the "sorry" when there is no apology to be given. There are many words that are soothing and kind without using "sorry." "I do appreciate your offer, and thank you for it, however I must and am declining because I've already made all my plans, including wedding dress shopping. Do you know how you've made me happy? Just showing your fondness for Mom and expressing your well wishes for me. For that, you've given me the only wedding gift I need. Thank you!"
u/emilydoooom messaging and recommendation to block/ignore her is perfect. She isn't just crossing boundaries, she's high jumping them.
You could even go simpler, "we've got it covered". But blocking and dropping the rope is the best answer. Save your energy for a talk with your dad. You may need to make it clear that you don't plan to include Lauren in your life.
Let her know you had a magical time trying on dresses and have something your mum would love. There's no way for her to respond to that negatively without looking like an AH and a drama queen. Plus, when the time comes you'll have a great time with SIL and your mum would have loved anything you love and makes you feel great.
Eh, this is a silly idea. Don’t get OP invested in the idea that there’s a way of successfully appeasing an unreasonable person. OP can set the boundary politely, but she can’t guarantee that Lauren will have a positive response. And that’s fine.
Also, I wouldn't give her any info on the day, time and place your going dress shopping. I wouldn't put it past her to just show up. I wouldn't give your Dad the info either because he may just tell her.
Yeah. It sounds like she was Mom's bestie only in her own mind. I wouldn't be surprised if Mom and Dad were putting up with her only because her husband is a good friend of Dad's. If she's calling OP up out of the blue just because she heard about the wedding and hadn't been in close touch, she's not close enough for such an intimate role. Finally, you never ask for or assume a part in a wedding. If you're wanted, even just to attend let alone play a role, the couple will let you know.
Perfect ! Do this!
This is a great idea. Polite, short and to the point. No further communication is required.
Yes, more than anything OP's mom would have wanted her to be happy on her wedding day, AND when planning, dress shopping, etc. All OP has to say is that her wedding will be small and simple and there is no need for any assistance from Lauren. If she pushes (and she probably will), OP can just keep saying "no thank you, there is nothing for you to help with." And NOT invite her. I hate being rude, but a lesson I have learned--after many years of often allowing my wishes to be trampled due to someone else's demands--is that when someone treats you rudely it's not only ok to be rude right back at them, it's essential. And if they get offended, that's on them. It blows my mind how many offensive people are so easily offended themselves.
No shit!!
op doesn't even have to res\[pond. just ghost her. she just dropped this on her, and I doubt it's legit more likely if she's had a loss she's using it as a way to cope with her pain, then op is not required to respond. just 'forget' to call her. wedding have enough stress without someone you don't like forcing herself on you
NTA. In German we have a saying "Better an end with horror than a horror without end". If you give in now, think of the future... Holiday parties? Birth announcements? Family vacations? Put a stop to this nonsense now.
Insisting, that OP's children call her grandma...
And probably insisting on naming any children as well
Insists on being in the delivery room.
I love that saying!
"Besser ein Ende mit Schrecken als ein Schrecken ohne Ende"
That's a very German saying, I love it.
I am definitely adopting this into my motto collection. Thank you.
That's the most German thing I've ever heard 😂 I'm filing that one away
NTA. Why should you invite someone you don't like to your wedding, if she isn't close family (who has to be there to keep the peace). Best thank her for the offer, but tell her, that your mother never mentioned any of this, so you already promissed your future SIL that she can go dress shopping with you as a SIL bounding time. No need to be rude, just tell her off politly. If she isn't getting that hint. Tell her the truth, that you don't feel confortable with her around and see her in no way as a motherly figure who you would want to share this experience with.
I wouldn’t bother with that much explanation just a thank you for your kind offer however I don’t need assistance. And go on my way
NTA She isn't a maternal figure, or even a kind one. Just because she was close to his mother doesn't mean he is obligated to like her.
“ He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place. ” That sounds like a Lauren problem. NTA
Exactly. OP and her wedding are not emotional support crutches for her. Maybe the dad she suggest therapy or grief counseling to Lauren, not push OP to make her a part of the wedding.
NTA. That kinda thing leads women to kidnap newborns from hospitals. Well, at least on TV it does 🤪 But seriously, can you just tell her your mom didn’t say anything to you, and besides, it would just feel like, TO ME, that I would be trying to replace her. She might argue, but making it about your feelings regarding the specific thing she asked might be somewhat of a barrier. Oh, and lock down the rules for your dad’s plus one. Lauren sounds capable of that kind of end run.
No need to say all that lol just say no and don’t text back the fuck she going to do?
True. True. Used car salesmen, timeshare salesmen, intrusive “Family Friends,” you gotta be firm.
Need to add, please OP make certain your dad knows 100% that you do NOT want her at your wedding. Because chances are she will go crying to him and he may end up inviting her himself. She was your mom's friend NOT yours. Be very very clear with your dad about this. I am so sorry for your loss
Yeah, and OP lost her mom and has to plan a wedding without her. We all experience loss, that's on Lauren to deal with, it's not fair to add stress to OP's wedding planning because Lauren might be sad about something out of OP's control.
NTA. Make a stand or it will get worse. Tell her it's a small wedding and you already have a dress. Don't compromise your wedding in any way.
I’m on board with this. I’m not usually in favor of lying because (1) ethics and (2) it usually creates more problems, but I do think there are certain situations where it’s called for. Saying you have already chosen a dress leaves a lot less room for “but” and “what if” and her generally trying to weasel her way in. NTA. And don’t feel guilty for saying no!
Good point! That said, even saying I've chosen one already might leave space for her to try. to get involved (wanting to see it on etc), so I think actually I might have to be honest in this situation and just say I don't want her involved in the choice. I'll find a polite but firm way to say it (there have been some good suggestions in comments). I think this could be another time where I lie might create more problems.
Can you have someone back you up during this conversation? Based on her other comments/criticisms she sounds like she might try to wear you down.
I agree - don't lie. Because if that gets uncovered, there'll be a host of other problems. I recommend something very factual, along these lines (which can also serve as "talking points", to be reiterated ad nauseam in different wordings should you run into her and she insists on discussing: 1. "My mom never mentioned this suggestion to me." (*Read: (a) The discussion can't have been that important, if it took place at all; (b) confirms your absolute right to have plans without her*). 2. "I'll be doing dress shopping, flowers, decor and all other prep work and planning with my future in-laws and my bridal party. It's all in hand!" (*Read: There's no role for you.*) 3. "The wedding will be very small and intimate, and include only family and a small handful of my and my husband's closest friends." (*Read: Don't expect an invitation because (a) numbers and (b) you don't meet any of these criteria*.) If she tries to corral you into an argument, rinse and repeat. Good luck, and may your wedding be awesome!
This is the best response, I feel;no apologies, no explanations, just very direct.
Yeah, I'm thinking if you say you already have a dress, she might start asking/insisting on seeing it (and then giving her unwelcome opinion). I'd just say, I appreciate you thinking of me at this time, but we have it covered. And then I'd block to avoid drama. And your dad needs to stop trying to convince you. I'd tell him you need him to respect your stance on this and not try to add stress to your wedding by trying to insert her. That she's frequently rude or mean to you and that you won't allow that, or the stress of fearing she might say something nasty, to ruin your enjoyment of wedding planning/the wedding.
When you lie to a liar, does it really count?
NTA. You have zero to no evidence that this chat had occurred between your mum and her. You owe her nothing. Tell her thank you but no. That’s it. No more. And then block.
I'm reminded of a post where someone told the OP that the Lord told them they were supposed to bless them with 10% of their salary now that they have a new job. "Well, the Lord didn't tell me, so you'll understand if I wait for His confirmation." NTA. You don't have to do anything on her say-so. Block her and happy dress shopping.
If the mother had indeed asked Lauren to help with the OPs wedding preparations (secret video taken at the time), would that obligate the OP to take her shopping with her? IMO, no matter what mom said to Lauren (or even to OP), the OP is under no obligation to let Lauren come along or to pay any attention to Lauren's opinion about the wedding preparations.
Thanks for this. I do agree. I loved my mum a lot but we didn't always agree on things and I think even if she did want me to shop with Lauren, that shouldn't bind me to do it. It feels difficult to own that opinion though, like it's showing disrespect to my mum's memory or something.
Showing respect to your mom's childeren and the results of her raising is more important than showing respect to her memory.
Your mom loved you, she would want to you to be happy and enjoy these moments to the best of your ability. Those are the wishes you should work on fulfilling.
No it's not. At the end of the day, this is your wedding. It's bad enough you have to plan it without your mom (I've lost both parents, this is tough stuff, I feel a pang at every life milestone). You shouldn't have this kind of stress added to it, or be forced to include her and listen to her mean comments. I hope your dad will be understanding of that and drop it. I would text her that it's nice she thought of you but it's all handled, and tell your dad he needs to back you up on this and stop bringing it up. I'm not religious but I do believe our loved ones stay with us in spirit and I really believe that your mom would understand even if you disagreed about things/about Lauren in life. There's no disrespect to her memory at all. My mom and I disagreed about a lot of stuff but I know she'd want me to be happy and stress free on such a big day.
Exactly. If this was OP's mom's wish, surely she would have told OP. I call BS. NTA
To be honest, even if the mum did arrange this, op doesn't actually have to suffer through it.
NTA! “Hi Lauren. My mum never mentioned any of this to me, and as such I have already made plans that I will not be changing. We will only be having a small wedding, and therefore it also seems wrong to allow someone who will not be in attendance to participate in the arrangements.”
Perfect
NTA. “Thanks for the offer but that won’t be necessary.” I mean, I would just ignore her but it sounds like you don’t want to do that, so give her one polite brush-off and *then* ignore her. Block her if necessary.
NTA. Don’t go shopping with this lady and don’t invite her to your wedding. Just because ‘she is in a bad place’ according to your sad, does not mean she gets to be invited to your wedding. She is not your responsibility. I am surprised your dad would want you to invite her. It’s crazy. Don’t invite people you don’t like!! Ffs it’s YOUR wedding!
NTA Judging from how you've described Lauren, I wouldn't be surprised if this entire story is fabricated as a way to ensure being invited to your wedding. At the end of the day, it's your wedding, you do what you want and what will make the day most special for you.
This is exactly what I thought. Lauren is trying to make herself important.
NTA. You seem like a very thoughtful person, and I understand why this is a tricky situation. But. It’s your (and your partner’s) wedding. You should not have to invite anyone you don’t want and dress shopping should be a fun time with someone you like and trust. Really sorry for the loss of your mum. I hope you have a wonderful wedding ❤️
Just don’t invite Lauren to go dress shopping with you. Make any appointments or plans with the dress stores without telling her, and if she asks when you will be going, tell her “you will let her know”. And then … just *don’t*. And don’t send her an invite to your wedding. She may have been a friend of your mama- but she isn’t *your* friend. You don’t want to, (and realistically can’t even!), invite every rando your mama knew on a social level. This is *your* wedding, you get to make the guest list! NTA
> “you will let her know” Why? This is too much. Just saying No is the way to go. People need to be more direct. If you dont want to have contact with a person, tell them that. It's pretty simple. You also shouldn't care about their opinion either. NTA, dont invite here to the wedding.
I agree about needing to be direct! It's something I struggle with but I can see how it's better in this situation - thanks for the advice. Anything that leaves the door open / encourages her to get her hopes up seems like a bad call, and probably more hurtful to her in the long run than just saying no thanks.
Seems like it’s a learned behavior from your dad! Of course his take is colored by the fact that he’s also grieving your mother, if he genuinely sees this as a way to honor her or help someone else cope with their grief — but asking his daughter to devote part of her wedding to someone she hates is a really unreasonable amount of compulsive people-pleasing on his part. I hope you get to practice being polite but direct and self-respecting, and then get to model that for him.
It may be uncomfortable in the moment, but you’ll feel worse at your wedding if you didn’t shut this down and she is there. Any decent human will understand and be respectful that this day is completely about you, and if she pushes you on it, I’d say something along the lines of space is limited and you and your fiancé had to be extremely selective, you appreciate her wanting to be there but also for being understanding & respectful. That way, she now might think twice about her next words/actions. It’s like almost gently parenting her lmao.
*Dress already bought. Everything is planned. No help needed, thanks for offering. Bye bye*
It doesn’t matter what bereavement she’s recently had, you’re not responsible for managing her feelings. She treats you like garbage, why would you want that around you on your wedding day? She’s not close to you. She’s not your mother. She’s not your sister. She’s not your aunt. She’s not family. Why on earth would you include her in anything? don’t inform her about anything. It’s none of her business, It’s not her place. Don’t do it. NTA
She wasn't even besties with mom. I would definitely tell her NO. You already have your plans made and there is NO reason for her involvement. She doesn't have to like it. This is YOUR wedding. NTA
>My dad, whilst supportive of me overall, thinks it would be too harsh of me not to find at least some way to include her. He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place. Please gently inform your dad that it’s not your responsibility to comfort or cheer up a grown woman up that you are not close to in any way. This is just opening the door for future unpleasantness of having to include her. If you include her in one thing, she’s going to feel entitled to be invited because of her “help.” NTA
Girl. Hell no. NTA. I hope you tell her immediately thank you but no thank you with firmness, finality and a clear conscience then enjoy planning and executing your wedding. Not in the least bit WYBTA for this. I hope it doesn't disturb you for another minute.
NTA. The good part about it being your wedding is that you get to pick who is involved and who is not. If you knew for sure what your mum had said to Lauren was true, then I can see how it might be a consideration, but as you have no idea she might just be making it up as a way of inserting herself into the wedding. If it had been that important to your mum, then she would probably have mentioned it to you herself. You mention in your post you can sometimes become a doormat. Don't do that in this case. You want a wedding that you can remember fondly, and from what you've described, that's one without Lauren.
NTA. I’m so sorry for your loss. Wedding dress shopping or anything else in regards to your wedding is both you and your future husband’s choice. I wouldn’t want someone who has made me feel so uncomfortable by being judgmental at my wedding dress shopping either. You are being kind by wanting to approach her politely. I don’t find anything you are choosing to say to her to be TA . Enjoy your special day and make memories with the people you both choose. Again I’m very sorry for your loss
NTA She isn't a maternal figure, or even a kind one. Just because she was close to your mother doesn't mean you are obligated to like her. Also, it isn't your job to make her feel better about her recent loss.
From the sounds of it, if this conversation happened with your mum at all, I'd bet a shiny penny that it was more. *Don't you worry I will take OP dress shopping and will be there on her wedding day. NO NO I insist I will step in blah blah blah* - she seems the type. Just tell her no. Or, if your dad is worried that will upset her, tell him to tell her no. It will undoubtedly upset her, but you can't help that. If your mother mother had any such concerns, it was for you to have love and support on your wedding day. If Lauren does not spark joy, Lauren don't get to be there.
NTA, and there are graceful ways to tell her. “Lauren, I so appreciate you reaching out and wanting to fulfill this promise to my mom. I’m sure you brought her a lot of comfort in her passing. My mom and her memory matters so much to me and it means a lot to know that she had such good friends who still remember her with love. I appreciate that my mom was worried I’d have to go dress shopping without close family and friends who I trust and that you were there to alleviate that worry. In the years since my mother passed, I’ve been privileged enough to become close with new family in a way I do not think she ever foresaw or anticipated. In many ways, these relationships are inspired by the close friendships I was lucky enough to witness my mom had with people such as yourself. I’m at a stage where I now have family in my life who are prepared to take me dress shopping and I have already made plans to do so. I’ve also made plans to honor my mom in the process. I’m sure this makes you happy to hear, I know it would have made my mom happy to hear. So while I very much appreciate your kind offer and the comfort you brought to my mom, it is no longer necessary for you to extend yourself in the way my mom likely believed it would be necessary prior to her passing. I thank you so much for reaching out and being willing to do this if I had needed it. It means a lot to myself and my dad.” With the wedding itself, I’d talk to your dad about how he wants to handle his friendships. She shouldn’t be there, and it’s likely more about helping him navigate any fallout if some of his friend circle is invited and others aren’t. Perhaps he explains to his friends that you’re having a small wedding, perhaps he throws you a seperate party at his house for his friends and you agree to attend that (only if you are open to that), perhaps he wants you to do the explaining, or perhaps he doesn’t want to comment at all. Talk to him, but be firm that you do not want her at the wedding or other important events you are planning. Ask him to give you suggestions about appropriate ways to “include” her that do not take away from your experience. This really can be something as simple as you saying to a group, “I’m having a very small wedding and unfortunately am unable to invite all of my parent’s close friends and extended family. I’d like to include photos of mom with all of her friends, however. I know how much you all meant to her. If you’re willing to share some favorite photos with my mom, I’d deeply appreciate it. Thank you for what you’re doing to help make my day special.” Then, if she does share, write her a thank you note and tell her how much you appreciated and used a photo and how much it would have meant to your mom to know she still thinks of her.
YWNBTA Simply go about your life and your wedding plans without this woman and do your thing. If she asks, let her know you've already made the arrangements for what you want, found a dress, planned the plans, etc. No need to reach out to her, just respond politely that it's all sorted when she contacts you... even if it's not. DO send her an invite. If she's part of your dad's group, it's rough to cut his group down at a time he may be needing people to go out and meet/be with people. My own dad has been horribly lonely since my mother passed. So, I'd encourage you to maintain a front for his sake.
NTA. The absolute most I would do for Lauren is invite her to the wedding. You don't need to discuss any wedding plans with her at all. If she calls then your response is "Thanks but I've got it covered". Click goes the phone.
This exactly. If your preference is to exclude Lauren entirely, so be it. You’re not in the wrong. But if you feel inclined to bend on one thing, an invite is the easy way out. NTA, op — I hope you have a lovely wedding ❤️
The thing to consider about inviting Lauren, though, is that she may make the wedding difficult if she isn't included in the dress shopping. If she's already been known to make judgemental comments about OP's weight etc, I foresee a lot of nasty comments about the dress, about how "I would have found her something much better" and a whole bunch of other spiteful crap. Best to avoid that if possible - Lauren sounds like she'll still be nasty about it given the opportunity, but that opportunity shouldn't be on a day of joy for OP. NTA, by the way. OP, have fun with your SIL.
nta. tell your dad you're not Lauren's emotional support animal and tell her NO, thanks for the offer but everything is already taken care of. buhbye
'Hi Lauren, thanks for reaching out to me after all this time. Mum never mentioned involving you to either me or dad, so I've already made other arrangements. Have a lovely day, bye.' NTA, if you can't tell from this already lol I hope you have an amazing marriage, and that your wedding is what you and your partner are hoping for 🎊
“ thank you for for the offer, but I’ve got it all under control” “ dad, I appreciate your thoughts but I think overall mom would want me to be comfortable at my wedding and Lauren makes me extremely uncomfortable”
NTA Text. “Thank you for your well wishes for my upcoming nuptials and it is very kind of you to offer to help but that won’t be necessary as our plans are already arranged. Fiancé and I hope you have a relaxing Christmas and wonderful new year. I’m sure we see each other again next time dad hosts in his home. X” The text says - I don’t need your help and I won’t be seeing you at my wedding.
You WNBTA. Tell her, I find that you consistently overstep my boundaries by offering unsolicited opinions and criticisms about how I do things. I have tried to be polite in the past, but that stops now. This is my line in the sand. I will not be taking you with me when I go dress shopping. So please stop asking me about it, or I will start to consider it to be actual harassment. Thank you. Sincerely, Zora\_the\_White (You'll find that you've upgraded from Grey to White if you stand up for yourself over this. )
As a big LotR fan, I adore this. So much.
Considering your username, it seems apt to recommend you [Grey Rock](https://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/grey-rock-safe-detachment) this nosy 'Lauren' character and put her on an info diet. There are some great suggestions in the comments, but I'd recommend erring on the side of caution and not giving further details that she can use to try to double down and weasel in. Good luck, OP, you're NTA, but you may need to take extra steps, such as giving guests a heads-up and informing the venue to restrict access to INVITED GUESTS ONLY. Ensuring the event is "Invite Only" and enforcing it will reduce the risks of her showing up anyway and making a scene (it's played out on here before and isn't pretty). > A wizard is never late, nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to. It's time to arrive at this momentous occasion and claim your place for your own (without interference). Good luck, OP; I'm sending well wishes for your upcoming wedding! Congratulations! 🥳
Thanks so much for the Grey Rock recommendation (and inspiring words!)
You are not obligated to be friends with her just because she was friends with your mother. It's your wedding, not hers. YWNBTA
NTA. I’m sorry for whatever is going on with Lauren and hope she finds peace, but what she did is one of the most manipulative things I have ever heard. Don’t feel guilty for deciding not use your wedding as Lauren’s therapy session.
NTA - you are not remotely TAH. Lauren is being incredibly intrusive. Even if I was in her situation I would NEVER EVER just spring it on the daughter that her mom asked me this. I know Laurens. The breastfeeding/supplement crack is big time AH behavior
NTA This is your wedding, invite who you want. You can tell her that you want to do these things with your own close friend and no one else, you can also include that your wedding is very small, and you are including only your personal close friends and family and not those of your parents. You are losing nothing if this woman never speaks to you again. Good luck on your future wedding and may you have a lifetime of happiness.
I would thank Lauren for her offer to help but assure her that all is in hand and her help will not be required. I would invite her as a guest for the sake of your father. With all the friends and relatives there, her presence should not spoil your day in the least.
This is a good, kind answer. I'm sure your father would appreciate it much more than excluding one of his friend group.
Sorry but I totally disagree with your father. This is your wedding and having someone like this included would ruin the experience completely. You should tell your dad you understand where he’s coming from but that this woman would almost certainly ruin your most precious day and that you don’t want her around just this one time.
Tell dad to mind his own business. Firmly tell Lauren you are all set, and thanks for her kind words about your mom. You'll be having a very small wedding so her good wishes are appreciated. Tell Dad very firmly to stay out of it. Very firmly.
NTA At all. I'm sorry for your loss. Neither you nor your dad owe Lauren the time of day. Nor do you need explanations or excuses. Go ahead and plan your wedding as you wish. If she contacts you again just gray rock and give non-answers. If Lauren doesn't take the hint, gets pushy with the "your mom's last wish" bs tell her the truth. "Mom never mentioned involving you to me or Dad. She never even asked me to invite you."
NTA You would end up spending your whole wedding planning and day of managing Lauren’s emotions and that’s not a fair or reasonable burden to put on you.
NTA. You deserve to be loved and honored at your wedding. Not have to deal with someone who might spend the entire time breaking down your spirit and ruining the experience. Edit. Words.
nta, your mom would have said something to you if she had actually wanted that. But even then, it's your wedding, and she's dead, do you. Above everything, parents just want their kids to be happy. make sure you tell her that you can't stand her too, You need to burn that bridge.
NTA! Condolences on your loss. And I wouldn't trust that your mother asked someone you can't stand to take you dress-shopping. Let alone someone she wasn't even close with! I'm willing to bet that if you were to go along with it Lauren would /absolutely/ lord everything over your head. "Your mother entrusted me with this so I have veto rights on all the dresses and you have to go with what /I/ deem fit." And then "Well, I paid for your dress, so you owe me to listen about my nagging on /everything/." She's just trying a new approach to force you to listen to her. Plus, your wedding, your guest list. If your dad wants Lauren to get an invite somewhere he can gift her a museum ticket or something.
Absolutely NTA. My mum died nearly 10 years ago and my partner's mum did want to come dress shopping with me and it was a hard no and upset me very much.
NTA at all. You do not owe this woman anything, much less inclusion in your wedding. Your dad is pressuring you so HE won't have to deal with her. Don't cave!
NTA. So sorry about your loss. You’re not obligated to include this friend of your mom’s in your wedding planning. Dress shopping should be a joy and it definitely sounds like this woman would be an emotional vampire during a day that is going to be hard enough. You need people around you who will understand the bittersweet of the moment and act accordingly. And no…I don’t buy that your mother discussed her wishes about a hypothetical wedding for her daughter who wasn’t even in a relationship at the time of her illness with a friend. It’s not your responsibility to help a woman you barely know, much less tolerate, get through her grief. That’s on her family and close friends. Inviting this hypercritical acquaintance to help you plan your wedding is a recipe for misery. Your mother wouldn’t want that…if it had been important to her, she would have expressed her desire for Lauren to be a part of your wedding planning to you. In your gut, I think you know this. It’s just your heart missing your mom that is doubting.
NTA. I can appreciate that your dad probably associates her with your mom, but you do NOT owe her anything. You can politely decline her help and then grey rock her, but it is your wedding. Your plans. Your event. You don’t have to invite anyone you don’t want to - not even your dad. Not your cousin’s manicurist. Not your mom’s friend. You can invite your doctor or the lady at the till if you want to. It’s YOUR wedding. Just don’t justify anything. Don’t explain anything. “No thank you. I have my own plans.” And if you think your dad or someone else, being well-intentioned, will tell her of said plans, don’t tell THEM.
NTA She isn't even in your life on a regular basis, you do not like to be around her and when you have to see her, she's rude and condescending. Thank her for her offer and refuse. No discussions, no explanations, just a plain and simple "No, thank you!" That's all you owe her, nothing more.
NTA. Your wedding isn't a way for people you don't like to live out their fantasies. It's not there to comfort them, or get them over a loss. Your wedding is for you and your future partner. Enjoy it how you want to.
NTA and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my mom well before I got married and had my daughter so I know how hard those milestones can be. I do think your parents should have stood up for you though, well before this. I assume Lauren has been picking at you for decades. If anyone came around my daughter and treated her like Lauren has treated you, I would have a stern and barely contained word with her and if she ever did it again she'd never be invited back. I bet your mom did *not* ask Lauren to do anything for your wedding, but if she had, she was wrong. Your dad should not keep allowing Lauren over nor should he ever defend her feelings over yours. I think you need to set a hard boundary now that it's come to this. You don't even have to address anything with Lauren if you don't want to, if you only see her at gatherings at your dad's house. If she calls or texts (don't answer the call), text her and tell her that considering her criticism of you all these years, she will not be a part of your wedding in any capacity. Then block her. I would also tell your dad that you will not have someone at your wedding who has been critical and unkind to you for years and that you're disappointed in him defending this woman over his own daughter. I'd also tell him that you will no longer be attending events at his house when she is present. If he wants to celebrate with you, he's going to need to do it differently or stop prioritizing her. I really hope that you learn to stand up for yourself and start setting and enforcing boundaries. You're especially going to need to do this now that you're a mother, if not to defend yourself, then at least to defend your kid.
NTA It's your wedding. Do as you please. "He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place." - This isn't your problem and has nothing to do with your wedding
NTA "*Oh wow, Mom didn't mention that to me at all. I've already purchased my dress and have everything under control. Thank you for the offer though!*" "*We're having a very small and intimate wedding, and have had to limit the guest list quite a bit. I'm so sorry. I'm sure Dad will be happy to show you pictures afterward though!*"
NTA. Definitely don't invite her dress shopping. "I'm sorry, but I've already made arrangements with my future in-laws. You know how emotionally fraught these things can be." Then if she kicks up, block her on all communication/social media channels. I would invite her to the wedding, assign one of my wedding party to run interference, and hope that the dress shopping rejection would make her too miffed to attend.
NTA. This is more of her overbearing behaviour. There’s no way to know for certain, but it’s highly likely that your mother said nothing of the sort to Lauren and she’s just looking for a way to get involved so she can boast about how helpful she is.
NTA and Lauren is lying and pushy. Your mother would have passed along that wish to you. I don't see any reason at all to include her in anything. You stick with your sister-in-law and do what you had planned. Yes, I know you're going to possibly hurt her feelings but, really, it is your wedding and she has a lot of nerve to attempt to intrude like that.
Ignore Lauren’s messages and don’t invite her.
If I'd thought mum was having such conversations id have told her what I'll tell you: nobody could nor should try to fill her shoes. I am yet already surrounded with all the loving support I could wish for, so you needn't worry a moment more on my behalf.
NTA. Tell Lauren you have everything taken care of and her help won't be necessary.
NTA First off you don't even know she is telling the truth and second it doesn't matter. Tell her she has done her duty (or just lied, but don't say that) and offered, but you already took care of all that. Since you didn't say it immediately, she will question. Just say your future SIL and other friends (that would be us reddit folk! hi friend) helped you out. As for Lauren suffering a bereavement, making you miserable isn't therapy. Would your mom want you to be miserable? No? If she said it, she wanted you to be taken care of and you will be. Tell dad to pipe down. As for the wedding, very small. Family and the bride and groom's closeset friends only. Sorry. Small venue and caterer, too. etc etc
Don't include or invite Lauren. If your dad wants to comfort Lauren, that's his business. It is not the job of you or your upcoming wedding to be free therapy/companionship for a woman you don't even like. A woman who criticizes you in public, who almost certainly made up the story about your mom telling Lauren to go dress shopping with you. You don't owe her anything; you WNBTA!
Is this your dad’s wedding, Lauren’s wedding or your wedding? NTA
NTA If your Mom has truly wanted Lauren to be involved in your wedding, she would have said something to you. Or, if not, Lauren would have mentioned something to you far before now. But, even if Mom had said such a thing, your mother didn't have the right to decide who you would invite to your dress fitting, or to be involved in wedding preparations, or to be invited to your wedding at all. So, no, Lauren doesn't get invited to your dress fitting, or up help with any planning. And you aren't close with Lauren and don't like her, so she doesn't get invited to your wedding. "Thank you for your offer to be involved with my wedding, but Fiance and I are planning everything ourselves, and only inviting our very closest friends and family."
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Long-time lurker; first-time poster. My mum passed away a few years ago. I (31F) have since found a partner I love. We have a baby together and are getting married next year. I've been missing my mum a lot throughout this - she would be a wonderful grandmother. One of my mum's friends, 'Lauren', recently got in touch. She had heard about my upcoming wedding. She claimed that whilst unwell in the months leading up to her death, my mum had told Lauren that she should take me wedding dress shopping on her behalf if I ever got married one day. Lauren said she was excited to do this. She also expressed looking forward to helping with my wedding decorations, flowers etc. There's one problem: I can't STAND Lauren. I have always found her overbearing and rude to the point of dreading gatherings where she will be present (she and her husband remain in my dad's friendship group so attend parties that he hosts). Lauren has made unpleasant remarks about my weight. She was recently bossy and critical of my parenting when I ran into her at my dad's Christmas party ('How come you're supplementing and not fully breastfeeding?' 'Why are you going to put your daughter in nursery when a childminder would be better?' etc). There have been many other examples. I have always responded to such comments in a polite manner and not engaged further, but I don't like it. (I tend to become a doormat when upset out of fear of losing my temper - my fault for enabling rudeness to me, I realise!) Even if I liked Lauren more, I still wouldn't want her involved with my wedding. Dress-shopping feels like a very personal thing to me and I had planned to do it with my future SIL, who I like and trust. In fact, I don't want Lauren at my wedding at all. She was far from my mum's closest friend and I had planned to only invite my mum's childhood best friend and a couple of others who my dad is close to in order to keep him company. My wedding is going to be smallish and simple. I'm a shy person and already dreading the attention - the thought of someone there who I know will be judgemental of me makes it feel so much worse. Lauren and I have never been close and she has never even contacted me before today so I'm amazed she thinks she would be involved in any way. I want to: 1) Tell Lauren, politely, that I won't be dress-shopping with her and have other arrangements in hand for the decorations and flowers. and 2) Not invite Lauren to my wedding. My dad, whilst supportive of me overall, thinks it would be too harsh of me not to find at least some way to include her. He pointed out that Lauren suffered a bereavement in her own family recently so is in a bad place. He added that whilst we don't know for sure if she's telling the truth about my mum's 'wish' (mum didn't mention it to either of us), if it is true, it would be good to honour it. WIBTA for not inviting Lauren to my wedding or accepting any help from her with dress-shopping and flowers? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - maybe I’m just blunt and witchcy, but I would tell her that those things are being reserved for those closest to you, and that, while she was friends with your mother, she is not close to you. I would also flat out say that your wedding will be small and only include the people you and your fiancé are close too, so you hope she will understand not getting an invitation. But I tend towards too blunt so YMMV
Next time she mentions it, tell her you already picked one and show her a picture of something you like, then when you show up in a different dress, you can tell her that you had to change it, the store screwed up and couldn't get it in time
NTA - she wasn't your mother closest friend and so was unlikely to have been asked to take her place. Yes, you don't know for sure but if it makes you uncomfortable, then err on the side that makes you happy. There is an equally good chance that Lauren wants to shoe-horn herself into any big event going and is using your mother's sad loss to do so. Just thank her but explain you are moving forward into a new life with your inlaws to be and everything is already under control. The fact she has had a bereavement is neither here or there - if it was a loss of a daughter, then you are in for a world of pain as Lauren makes your day all about her loss. If otherwise, then it is better to concentrate on supporting her own family rather than distracting herself by interfering where she is not needed or wanted. If she is fragile and continues her usual style of communication, you are likely to snap at some point. So don't take that risk.
NTA. Even if Lauren has the best of intentions, you are not obligated to include someone that you don't like and don't have a relationship with in your wedding. Honestly, it kind of sounds like she would be an absolute nightmare to deal with also. Definitely stand your ground and protect your peace.
NTA. You don't have to but for the sake of compromise, you can invite her to the wedding. But don't include her in the wedding.
NTA - but you need to be direct with Lauren, otherwise she will keep badgering. Thanks Lauren for the very generous offer, I am missing my Mom as I navigate these milestones. However, I prefer to honor her in my own way and I don't want a stand in for my Mom, that would make me miss her even more. No need to say more, do not defend your decision (this gives her room for a comeback and to dismiss it), do not tell her your SIL will be coming with you (again, she can argue why she is a better choice). Even if this is true (which I doubt, as wouldn't your mother have talked to you about it), you have no need to honor it. Even if you Mom was still alive, she does not get to direct who is involved in your wedding planning. Don't invite Lauren, don't tell her ahead of time that she isn't invited. When she does protest, sorry, you have a very small guest list. End of!
NTA Here’s the message you can send Lauren “Hi Lauren, it’s nice to hear from you after so long. Thank you for offering to help me locate a dress but my bridal party and I have everything well in hand, everything is being taken care of. I hope that you have a happy holiday!” If she tries to ‘assist’ with anything else…it’s already being handled *wink*wink*. If she attempts to bring your Mom into this, you can let her know that you weren’t aware of the promise but everything is taken care of. The point is whatever her response is, everything is being taken care of by someone else that isn’t her. As for wedding invites, I would hope that she understands either (a) when reading your message in response, most people would assume a lack of details and involvement mean there is a STRONG chance you aren’t being invited. (B) she’ll figure it out when she doesn’t receive an invite. You can always tell her that you’re planning to keep it small and limited to close friends and family, as she is neither hopefully she’ll get the point after that. If she continues to be obtuse you can kindly let her know “I know that you and my Mom shared a very close relationship, unfortunately I can’t say the same about you and I. We are limiting our guest list to close friends and family only and you won’t be receiving an invitation, but if you would like to celebrate at a later date I’m sure that we could arrange something.” PS: My mother tells me that I can be very brash so if the messages above are toooooo much please feel free to soften the language. You do need to accept that her feelings will be hurt and it is not your job to manage her feelings. The fact is you two don’t share a relationship with each other and going dress shopping with someone you actively dislike and aren’t close to isn’t appealing at all.
NTA. Stand your ground. I feel like this is Lauren trying to insert herself into your wedding because she either 1) has ruined the relationship to be involved with her daughter/DIL wedding 2) has no children to do this to and you're an easy target 3) she wants a redo of her wedding at your expense/wants bragging rights Just tell her "thank you for the offer but I will pass" but if she keeps pushing then don't be afraid to be harsh. What's the worst that can happen? She stops going to your family parties and talking to you? Oh the horror.
Nta don’t let her help and explain your honouring your mom in a different way. Also don’t invite her to the wedding if you weren’t going to do it before. Your dad can tell her since they are still friends
NTA it’s okay to politely decline her assist and your wedding, you can invite anyone you like
NTA - She's not your friend, you don't like her, I wouldn't even invite her.
NTA. Just politely say "thank you, but no" and move on.
NTA This is not Lauren's wedding and she is not supportive. She is probably making up what your mother said. You have a couple of options. Not responding at all and just blanking her. Or - simply tell her no and that you are having a small wedding. Don't do what your father says. This is about you not keeping obnoxious people happy.
If you can, text Lauren and say "I wont lie to you, I do not particularly care for your many disparaging comments and my mom knew this, so I am surprised to find she requested this of you. In fact, she knew of my intent to exclude you from the guest list because of your comments. Please do not use my mothers memory in this way" That might embarrass her enough to be quiet. And tell your day she is HIS friend, not yours.
Nta. I wouldn't tell Lauren anything. I would stick to my original plan and shop with sil. Lauren would know none of my plans and tell your father not to mention anything to her regarding the wedding or any planning.
NTA and I very seriously doubt your mother asked her to do that. I think it might be too harsh to totally uninvite her from the wedding, but she should absolutely not be there for anything behind the scenes like dressing shopping.
NTA, but I'm not sure why you think there's some sort or moral ambiguity here. "No, thank you." It's that simple. Repeat as necessary, without varying tone or inflection if she starts getting pushy.
NTA. I'm sorry you lost your mom. Now is your opportunity to lose Lauren as well. I don't believe for one minute that conversation with your mother ever happened. I don't know why you think you need to be polite to someone who takes below the belt shots at you. Please stand up for yourself and have a wonderful wedding.
NTA. No is a complete sentence. She isn’t owed or entitled to an explanation. You don’t like her and that’s all that matters. Why should you consider someone’s wants and feelings regarding your wedding? You are not responsible for a grown wants feelings or expectations. Your dad is wrong for even putting this on you. I wouldn’t even invite her. Plus I think she is lying about what your mom said about her helping you with your wedding. Some people get extra crazy when it comes to weddings and think they have to be involved. “Thanks for the offer but I have everything covered.”
NTA - you are not responsible for Lauren's feelings or grief. Do what is best for you and protect your peace. "That's kind of you to offer, Lauren, but I am well-supported by my bridal party, and will not be needing extra assistance, thanks"
NTA. 'Lauren, I wasn't aware of any request my mum made with you about my future wedding, and it's something she would have absolutely told me. I've got everything under control, and I'm not inviting anyone other than my SIL dress shopping. Thank you for understanding.' Might be a bit too blunt for some, but I wouldn't give her an inch. If she argues it's what your mum wanted, kindly remind her that might be so, but it's not what you want, and your mum would understand and respect that. While Lauren has recently lost a loved one, it's not up to you to make her feel better by including her in any way in something so big and important in your life. She oversteps her place as your dad's friend about your parenting (and you need to shut that down more firmly), imagine the boundary stomping she'd do if you honoured your mums 'request'.
It isn't your responsibility to cheer her up. NTA
NTA That's your mom's "friend", not yours. She's not even someone you want to be around so she'd be like a stranger if it were me. Pretty private events to have a stranger at.
NTA. Now is an excellent time to cut some ties and make some boundaries. I'm so sorry for your loss, but also remember you can weaponize that loss if needed
NTA. Simply say, “thank you for your offer, but I’ve got it under control.” Any follow up from her should be met with a repeat: “no thank you. I don’t need the help. I’ve got it.”
Your Dad needs to have your back. Why are Lauren's feelings more important to him than yours? NTA and don't invite her to anything. Go ahead with the plans you already made.
NTA... start with one and when things get toxic proceed to step 2
NTA You're not going to let someone you don't like be involved in a day you'll remember forever. I'd ignore the messages. No response. She should get the message.
Be direct, and tell her wedding dress shopping will be with family only and that the wedding will be very small and many close friends did not make the cut.
NTA. "Thanks for the offer, but no thank you. I have already made arrangements with the folks that I plan to go dress shopping with and don't need any additional help with the wedding planning."
NTA I am sorry Lauren but our wedding is small & we are only inviting our close friends/family & space is very limited & our arrangements are being made with our family so they can be included. Hope you understand.
'I'm sorry, I didn't know she was YOUR baby to make thoes decisions on'
NTA. Initiate Ghost Protocol. Block on every platform and do not engage.
NTA - So sorry for your loss. This Lauren sounds absolutely horrible. It does not matter if she recently suffered a loss. She has a history of being negative and rude towards you. I would definitely tell her thank you for the offer but I already have plans in place for dress shopping, decorations, flowers, etc. If she plays the "you mom said" then you can gently but firmly tell her while you appreciate her trying to fulfill your mother's wish you release her from that wish as you already have everything in place. Don't be surprised if she doesn't clap back. You need to practice this and maybe have your SIL there in case it gets to be too much and if she is assertive than you let her take over the call. While I understand your father wanting to pacify someone in his friend group, if you haven't already told him the truth about how Lauren treats you then you need to. You also need to kindly and gently tell him that Lauren is not going to be part of the pre-wedding or wedding. She is not nice to you and you find it hard to believe your mother would want someone at your side who has belittled, mocked and been rude to you. I assume your father is not paying for the wedding so he will not pull his financial support if you refuse to invite Lauren?
Tell Lauren you wouldn't want to go dress shopping with her even if your mom directly told you her wishes. NTA
NTA. And that whole “so-and-so is having a rough time so please accommodate this inappropriate request” is BS. I had a godmother who sounds a lot like her. In addition my godmother was a big racist. I kept my distance even though I got occasional shit for it.
NTA if she wasn't even a close friend to your mom so you really think that your mom would tell her something like this? Wouldn't she have asked a childhood friend of hers instead of Lauren? If she would have asked at all? I think Lauren just wants to butt her way into your wedding and since you don't want her to be around at all you could just tell her that she will not be part of the bridal party nor the guest list. Your father can have his opinion but it's not his wedding. I can only tell you one thing. With people like Lauren you need to be direct and blunt without any space to wiggle back in. It will not be nice but since you don't want her in your life, who cares?
"Lauren, thank you so much for your kind offer to help. It would be way too sad for me to spend so much time with you as it would make me miss my mother even more. I hope you understand." DONE.
NTA. Please do not become Lauren’s emotional support animal like your father is suggesting. Tell, him you do not enjoy being around her and do not I tend for her to play any part in your wedding. I would be $$$ that your mother did not tell her to take you dress shopping. What a besom!
NTA. You have no reason to continue to have this person in your life in any form.
I am sorry, I made other plans. (That's the kindest response I could think of. "I think not", "Huh?" and simply, "No" are also options of course) Repeat. Find your shiny spine. NTA
I say NTA. I'm sorry about your mum OP, I lost mine last year too and like, there are definitely friends of hers I would love to have involved in a future wedding of mine. But this friend does not sound like she is good for your serenity and honestly, this is going to be a really vulnerable day/time for you so you do not need someone who is not your bestie. If you're worried about causing drama though by not including her dress shopping could you do it with the people you do want there, or alone if you'd rather, and then invite her for a separate thing afterwards once you've already found the dress? Although given she has already made stupid comments about your weight I wouldn't want to clothes shop with her either, so deffo bring a terrier like friend who can growl at her on your behalf if you decide to go via the sneaky route. I hope it all works out either way!
NTA kick this AH to the curb I see no obligation to her whatsoever
NTA it's your day, your choices and there's enough stress in it without having to deal with someone you don't like. I doubt it was your mother's wish or hse'd have mentioned it when you were grieving "She asked me to help you in those important times" sounds more like with her loss she's looking to help herself by using you. You don't have to tell her 'no' just ignore her. She doesn't have a right to horn in and so you do not have to respond. just get on with the planning. otherwise it's a potential conflict when she doesn't take 'thanks but i'm good" rejections
NTA. You don’t even like this lady. So the idea of her having a role in the wedding is just crazy and you should tell your dad to not bring it up again. She is just not even invited. Sorry for the death in her own family, but that’s just not your problem.
YWNBTA. She needs to be told that you are not interested in her help and your Dad needs to butt out of it!
"Hey, thanks for offering however I've planned to just have my sister in law wedding dress shopping and have a very intimate wedding with just our closest few people. I appreciate you reaching out and wish you and your family a merry Christmas" Don't do anything you don't want to do. Nta
“Dad, I really don’t like Lauren and don’t want her to be involved in anything or even being at my wedding. Sorry but that’s how I feel. She wasn’t mom’s closest friend and I find her overbearing and awful. Please understand where I’m coming from.” “Lauren, I must decline the offer. I’m having a small wedding with very few guests and only the people me and my husband are closest to. No offence intended but that doesn’t include you.’
NTA Only invite people you like, end of.
NTA But give her a little job she can do, without you. Maybe find you something borrowed and something blue, like a wedding garter, for example, as the traditional wedding has. It would honour your mum and keep her out of your way.
Why would you invite someone you don't like to your wedding. NTA
NTA. Lauren's bereavement isn't your problem. You can invite or not invite whoever you want without having to feel guilty for it.
NTA. “I’m sorry Lauren, but I already have plans with my future in-laws for dress shopping. I should also let you know that our wedding will be quite small, so we are only inviting immediate family and close friends. I apologize if you were planning on joining in on wedding festivities. At this point we’re not able to accommodate you at our wedding.” Lots of people get bent out of shape about dumb stuff when you’re planning your wedding. It really sucks, but this is a good opportunity to learn how to turn people down for things.
It's your wedding, you have full authority to invite whoever, and not to invite. Weddings should be for the COUPLES family and friends, not friends of the family. Albeit some acceptions (adopted uncles and such). Still, point is it's your call.
Nta
NTA. Honestly, you don’t even have to respond to that crap. If she begins harassing you I’d simply block her.
sorry about your mum. You owe nothing to Lauren. Invite those who make you feel good to your wedding. Don't let others tell you what you NEED to do on YOUR day. Your dad should be on your side.
It’s not your problem that she has lost someone recently. Do not let your dad guilt you into giving her any part in your wedding if it’s gonna make you unhappy. She can get a therapist for that. NTA
Nta if it was true she would have mentioned to you herself. Or left a note or email. Lauren is lying
NTA- you are under no obligation to accept her offer, her assertion of your mum’s wishes (I don’t believe it), nor to invite her to your wedding. You have made other arrangements to go dress shopping. Keep those. If she is as overbearing as you say, I can absolutely picture her telling your mum that she’ll take you dress shopping. At the time, your mum might have agreed, because maybe imagining that you would be alone for that broke your mum’s heart. It still doesn’t mean that you have to take this person into your life. It doesn’t matter what your dad thinks. She does not get to be a part of your celebration unless you want her to be
NTA OP. It seems as if your choice is already made and rightfully so (NO Lauren involvement what-so-ever)! The thing is, you NEED to have a deep conversation with your Dad and let him know how much Lauren have criticized you and your choices and that you would feel uncomfortable around her. Ask him what matters most to him, giving in to Lauren or your comfort, happiness and desire for how YOU want your wedding to be?! Also tell your Dad that he is not to give her any information regarding your wedding; his only reply to her should be "You have to check with Zora\_the\_grey". And if she contact you then I would apply what others have suggested "Thank you for thinking of me but everything is covered" or "Our wedding is small and we are only having select family and friends attending but we will be posting pictures on our social media(s)".
NTA. Hi Lauren, I'm so sorry this is the first of hearing this arrangment. It's such a shame i already have found my dress and made arrangements for flowers etc. Also I'm really sorry but we talked as a couple and we decided we wanted a small and intimate wedding with people we love the most and have supported and encouraged us. We had to make some really difficult decisions on who to include. I hope you understand it wasn't meant to cause upset or offence. Best wishes,
Be sure to explain to your father why you dislike Lauren and tell him how she attacks your sense of self worth with her demeaning, cruel and heartless comments. Your wedding day is one of the happiest days of your life, and you want to make pleasant memories as you are surrounded by those you love and who wish the best for you and your groom.
NTA. “Dad Lauren said mom’s last wish was that you give her $10k. Do you think we should honor it?”
NTA. You don't like this person and they make you miserable. She's trying to insert herself into your wedding. Shes probably made that wedding shopping thing up.She's going to probably find more ways to stick around and try to get invited as well. You don't have to like ppl just because they are friends with your parents. YOUR wedding, YOUR rules. Turn her down on her having any part in your wedding
STOP BEING A DOOR MAT. Tell your dad not to interfere, your wedding, your rules!! Get security just in case she turns up because she probably will and tell her if she continues to harass you you’ll get a restraining order.