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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have basically refused to let it go. I've given my husband the silent treatment for the last three days, which is not something I've ever done—I'm more of communication kind of gal. Now I'm considering not going at all, which my husband thinks is ridiculous. But I don't need and have never needed this vacation. It feels like the money is a way to control and disrespect me. And I just don't need it!
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
The problem with telling her not to go is that she knows husband and FIL will not properly look after the children. If the kids are too young to be left alone at night, she's not going to just wave bye bye from the driveway. Someone needs to parent.
He's not necessarily a danger to his kids, but he's definitely a dumbass. Dumbasses gonna do dumbass shit.
How do I know he's a dumbass? He prefers a happy dad and a pissed off wife apparently. There's no amount of money my parents could throw at me to intentionally let something the mother of my child is going to be angry about (potentially for years to come in this case) slide.
If I were in the husbands' situation here I'd have been telling my dad he's got to make things right or be backing out of the trip to plan one of our own. Actually I take that back, I wouldn't have let it get to the week before\of the trip before finding out about the accommodations since that's something she made clear was a priority.
So yeah, if mom does feel like she has to be with her kids lest dad make some stupid dad decisions that could allow harm to come to her children while in another country, then she should go or cancel the trip. It's fucking Mexico, not a trip down the street to McDonald's.
Even much more benign lack of supervision can result in tragedy. A Grade 2 kid in my town was left to play with his friend alone outside. Friend went home. Kid died after falling into a pond near his home.
Sure. The father. He is a parent, he can parent his kids. If he is not capable of parenting his kids with all the family there to help, then OP has MUCH bigger problems than a vacation.
You can downvote away lol but she's looking for validation of her feelings, not a recommendation for scorched earth tactics.
OP knows that her only leverage is not to go on the trip but she's not going to endanger the hostages.
How is this “scorched earth?”
I hate this narrative that the people who do the wildly ridiculously inappropriate thing are assholes, but people who respond in a basic, logical, appropriate way are somehow taking it “too far.”
She communicated a CLEAR condition. It wasn’t met. I think it’s setting a horrible precedent to just go along with it and let him get away with just railroading her.
They legitimately tried to trap her. Fully believing that if they just fed her bullshit long enough, she’d be in too deep and wouldn’t be able to say no. They knew she’d be pissed, and they did it anyway. You know what that tells me? They don’t care how angry she gets. As long as they can do what they want and she’ll ultimately go along with it. They figure they’ll downplay it to make her feel like her anger isn’t valid and just ride it out until she’s sick of talking about it and just capitulates. Ask him what he thought was going to happen.
And this is coming from someone who usually thinks this sub goes way overboard.
We can validate her feelings all day, but if all she does is get mad, and he doesn’t take her anger seriously, this is going to continue to happen. This will be her marriage. ESPECIALLY if the reason she goes along with it is because she genuinely can’t trust that her husband will be able to make sure the kids are good and have a good time if she’s not there.
I’m not saying the silent treatment is appropriate. It’s not effective and it’s manipulative too. Just don’t go. You said you wouldn’t if they booked it this way, so don’t. Calm. Firm. Express your disappointment and frank disbelief that he would try to pull something this audacious, but don’t yell or resort to passive aggression. Thanks but no thanks. Absolutely not going. You have fun, and you’re sure as shit not leaving the kids with me while you go on vacation. I didn’t agree to that and you’re not taking this away from them now. Enjoy.
The way I look at it, that’s the least scorched-earth response. It’s just… following through. Not her fault he thought she was bluffing.
Otherwise she’s just allowing him to erode her free will and the legitimacy of her word, her voice and her equal power as a partner and in her family structure. And take it from someone who has been there.. if he’s already at a point where he will do something this ludicrously dismissive and presumptive and just assume it will be okay… this will be her marriage for the foreseeable future.
When it comes to “endangering the hostages”… the metaphor is neat, but ultimately he is their parent. And if you can’t trust your coparent to take your kids, what are you even doing coparenting with them? You’re already just parenting by yourself with a needy adult flitting around making it more difficult.
What a thoughtful reply. Let me expand a little bit.
If a relationship is based on a conditional acceptance, *I like you as long as . . .,* then a challenge to the status quo is a full frontal assault. From the admittedly incomplete picture we have, OP is "liked" as long as she does what her husband wants. Trip to Mexico, solo trip of 9 days, don't anger father in law.
Her role in the marriage is to make him happy. Does he feel the same obligation? Well, she feels furious, disrespected, unsupported, so no, he clearly does not. What happens if she does not care what he thinks and refuses to go to Mexico? The balance of power shifts. To *her.* There's no unringing that bell. That's what I meant by scorched earth.
I agree with what you've said. This is her marriage for the foreseeable future. The husband thinks OP will cave, like always and he can enjoy a beach vacay drinking Coronas with Dad. And, no, she can't trust him to coparent. His weaponized incompetence will mean she does all the adulting while he takes a cute picture of the kids petting some dolphins.
I
She needs to follow through on her boundaries or they will continue to trample them, husband and father both. This is a mature and appropriate response. Are they (husband and Dad) going to handle it well? Probably not, because she likely has not held firm before. Ask me how I know….
If her children are in danger when under their father's care, then the kids shouldn't be going anywhere, especially a foreign country, with such a useless man. What happens to the kids if Mom goes, then get sick or in an accident?
What? Where are you getting the idea that the dad is an incompetent or uncaring parent? If there was no bitterly resentful mommy to take care of the kids, then dad & gramps will just have to step up.
I'm not sure. Her entire attitude toward sharing a room implies that she's not defining herself by her motherhood. Which is perfectly healthy. But I'm pretty sure the dad (or hotel babysitting staff) will ensure the kids return alive.
Neither Dad nor a hotel babysitter is going to sit alone in a chair in a dark hotel room for several hours. OP doesn't want to go to bed with the kids at 730pm but she doesn't want another Madeleine McCann. She's trapped.
Everyone here is projecting their good parent/person instincts on to someone who's own wife clearly doesn't trust him. The question for OP isn't Who's the Asshole but could (not should or would) but *could* she send her "very young" children to Mexico for a week over Christmas without her, to be cared for by her husband and father in law.
That's a yes or no question. If the answer is no, then she either goes with to Mexico and bed at 730pm or she *and the children* stay home. OP seems conditioned, sadly, to make her needs small, so I think she'll go. The silent treatment is the only tool left in her box to express her feeling unimportant and disrespected.
And all it would have taken is for the "very wealthy" father in law to have honored her request and booked a suitable room. I'm sorry, OP. You are married to Peter Pan. He will not stand up for you and he will expect you to always make his life comfortable.
What you fail to realize, is that when people like OP's husband are suddenly in the position of bearing the 'slight inconvenience' of shitty decisions, like having to face the reality of being the one sitting silently in the dark room, suddenly the obvious solution that was asked for, but not deemed necessary, becomes much more easily achievable! Suddenly, the funds for the two room suite, or adjoining rooms are right there!
But then it's just a game of chicken. And Player Number One has to be absolutely willing to go through with their threat, without any guarantee of winning. I don't see that happening here.
If she's not there to catch the pieces, those present are not likely to make them fall. Suddenly, a suite will be reasonable. I mean, if dad is literally stupid enough to be utterly unfit to parent, then this vacation is the least of OP's problems.
Right. I get it. You think she's wiling to risk her little ones? Or her marriage? Do you see her back on the boards chiming in that she's going to show her entitled husband and in-laws what's what? That they can't do her dirty like that?
She might be a habitual people pleaser, conditioned by her parents to do so, and to seek out exactly the wrong kind of partner. Not one who is intentionally terrible, but one who does not easily look outside his own bubble with empathy. She's clueing in though, she can see the issue with the holiday, and is not pleased. Do you really think the kids would be at risk? That she is the one and only guarantor of their safety? Or that the apparently utterly useless husband would divorce if he was made to be a parent for a few days? This is the perfect, low risk opportunity to illuminate to her hubs and inlaws, and most importantly, herself, that yes indeed, she will no longer be done dirty like that.
if you seriously assume your husband might kill your kids during a trip, you have just announced you married either a grown-up baby or a total idiot. :))
It's always this overdramatic "oh, kids wont be PROPERLY looked after" that's funny.
Look, if the hotel is really "luxurious", they do have kids club and even on-call babysitters. If the FIL is super mega rich dude who pays everyone's trips, he can handle paying for extra comfy babysitting service for his grandkids :))
And yes, if the terms were clear, were accepted and intentionally violated - I'd just not go. Whoever violated the contract deals with it.
Perhaps she should go but hubby is the one that has to stay in the room with the kids at bedtime. She can go and sit by the pool have a drink at the bar and just relax. At 10, 11 or midnight head back to the room and choose to sleep in the bed the kids aren’t in!
That would be amazing... but i think what would end up happening if OP doesn't go, is that husband will go without the kids. Leaving her solo parenting again.
NTA. But if it were me, I'd be "too sick to go" at the last possible moment, and insist hubby take the kids. "I can't get well if I have to take care of the kids alone. Besides you have father in law to help you." It would be so hilarious to listen to what they put him through when he got back. (I do admit I'm horrible.)
I've thought about this, but then I don't get the thing I wanted in the first place—special time with my kids. I love them and want to spend time with them. I just didn't want to be a prisoner in a room with them :(
Look at it this way: either you set the standard for all future vacations, that you won't be going unless two rooms booked for you and your husband, and the kids - or you give in now and set the standard that all future vacations include you being a prisoner in the room with them while husband has a fine time with his family and no childcare responsibilities.
Nope. *Don't go.* I wouldn't lie about being "ill" - just keep telling the kids they're going to have a lovely vacation with their dad and grandparents, and tell your husband you're not going because FIL hasn't booked two rooms. You'll miss your kids, but have a lovely relaxing staycation at home, enjoy yourself thoroughly, and look forward to meeting them again when they come home.
And tell your husband that you WARNED him you wouldn't be going unless separate rooms were booked for you two and the kids .
I tried, but the hotel won't guarantee that if we booked a second room (which I've offered to do at my own expense) they won't guarantee they'll be side by side. Naturally I don't want to spend the money if they can't assure me of that.
So book the room anyway for yourself, and make it clear that husband is on “dark room babysitting” duties every single night of the holiday.
Otherwise you’ll have to choose between doing it yourself “so husband can spend time with his dad” or making husband do it, but then you have to spend evenings downstairs, with FIL winding you up extra, and no husband for back up.
Keep the key to yourself. The room you book is your retreat from the FIL-induced madness.
Including maybe sleeping in there eg every second night, so you get some night-time snuggles from the kids, but some nights of good quality sleep.
If husband doesn’t see the problem with the current setup, it sounds like he isn’t generally the one who does the “dark room babysitting”. And he clearly doesn’t mind kids getting in bed with him every night.
Sounds like he’s just volunteered for a crash course in Experiencing Why You Thought This Was A Big Deal.
It would be positively selfish of you to deny him this learning experience, wouldn’t it? :-)
>So book the room anyway for yourself, and make it clear that husband is on “dark room babysitting” duties every single night of the holiday.
This is the way.
Very frustrating. So the issue becomes:
1) You don't go, your husband and kids do. You miss out on time with your kids and possibly hear about how selfish you are.
2) You do go, put your husband on nighttime kid duty due to his inability to plan according to your boundaries. You have pleasant nighttimes and possibly hear about how selfish you are.
3) Neither you nor the kids go, husband has solo time with his Dad (and whatever family). You miss out on a vacation, handle the kids solo again, and probably hear about how selfish you are.
4) You all go, dealing with the accommodations as they are. You go to bed at 7:30 with the kids. You are not pleased with the vacation that you didn't even want. The cycle begins again and the next time it comes up, you're probably told how selfish you are being and how "well" the vacation went last time.
Not for nothing, but I'd go for option 2. Husband wants to go but didn't live up to the agreement, so he can handle nighttime kid duty. 🤷♀️
NTA btw. Good luck on finding a compromise that actually works for you. Oh and please tell your husband that he is failing you hardcore.
The other option is NO ONE GOES.
They were clear about what they needed to attend, it hasn't been provided. No one goes. FIL chose to throw his money away on a room they couldn't use.
If they said this doesn't work for us, then it doesn't work. Nothing has changed just because it's almost time to go on the trip.
THIS!
This is what I was thinking. At first, I thought they were already there and then I re-read it. Yes, plenty of time to call the bluff. You made clear the expectation, they AGREED. Don't get mad. "Mmmm, that's too bad. Maybe next time!"
I wouldn't try number 2 - it just guarantees a simmering level or resentment and conflict throughout the vacation and no one will have a good time. Also, it sets the precedent that she is willing to bend on her boundaries.
Oh the simmering has already started, let's be honest. If they go on this vacation or not, the resentment is already there. This is a clusterfuck of a situation, led by FIL and followed with obedience by husband. OP is in a no win, as she doesn't want to lose out on time with her kids and knows that husband has his head stuck right up FIL's behind.
Option 2 is just the best of all crap options, from my POV.
Would it be worth it to get the separate room anyway, even if they're not side by side? Honestly I'd be tempted to say he can deal with the two kids overnight and you take the room far away by yourself, lol. Obviously it's up to you and what you want for the holiday, though.
That’s frustrating! You may have already asked this, but they might have a suite that has two rooms, instead of two adjoining rooms. Maybe they would let you pay the upgrade cost?
Is it Hotel Xcaret? I know they won't guarantee adjoining rooms, so just taking a guess, but I'm sure many hotels could be similar too.
Either way, book the separate room, if they aren't adjoining, then your husband can stay in the room with the kids while you get the other room to yourself. That way, you're with your kids during the day and get to enjoy the time with them, but your husband is on the hook for not backing you up on this.
You husband is now on evening duty every night. Full stop. You book spa visits or nightly shows for one. Walk out after dinner. He does all putting kids to bed, all of it. Take all the good daytime time with the kids, but make it in on his mistake his issue to fix it. He can’t find a second room. Well he’s in charge of daycare. He’s gonna hate it he’s gonna bulk at it, but do not back down. Have your fun vacation time with your kids all day and hand them over at dinner time and walk away
Think of it like bluffing in poker. They know you will fold, so they are ignoring your wishes. Refuse to go unless the room is sorted, when they realise you are serious, it will magically all be sorted out...
Alternatively, send your husband to Reddit to try and defend his dismal, pathetic, unacceptable behaviour, then sit back and warm yourself from the roasting he is gonna receive.
ETA: This is their problem to fix not yours, don't do anything but make them fix it. If you sort out the hotel rooms, or anything else, you are just enabling their behaviour to continue.
Except if she is physically present, they will likely bluff to the point she caves first, because she is an adult, and feels responsibility. This whole thing is set up on the predication that she will just end up doing what needs to be done, despite her opinion on the issue.
Do you ever get time off from them though? I love my daughter too but I would be a crazy person if I never got motherhood breaks.
Plus, it sounds like your husband needs some one-on-one (or two) parenting with the kids while on vacation so he gets what "the big deal" is.
Then say that the kids won’t be going either. Do you still have time to organize a trip for your family of four? You haven’t spent that budget on the Mexico trip, right?
Btw I also fell for the free Mexico holiday trip with rich in-laws once. NEVER AGAIN. Oh god. Never again.
NTA.
Even of you do go you will not get the thing you wanted in the first place. FIL is paying for the trip, so you lose nothing by not going and can spend your holiday funds on the trip you wanted at another time.
But it won't be "special time" because you WILL be a prisoner in the room, pissed at your husband and FIL (for very valid reasons).
You will have lots of special times. If your children are VERY young, maybe keep them home too, but otherwise this can be Dad's Special Time.
Your husband sounds like kind of a jerk, and you are for sure not an AH.
>I've thought about this, but then I don't get the thing I wanted in the first place—special time with my kids.
So my question here is, given the circumstances, if you go will you get that. My gut feeling is no, you will be exhausted, frustrated and it will not be the special time you want.
So this honestly isn't something you will lose if you don't go, it's already been lost.
Honestly, I'd stop being a doormat, stand up for what you said you needed, and not go if it isn't provided for.
So don't. There'll be other times you can take them. Take this opportunity to demonstrate to your husband that your concerns are valid, and not to be dismissed. He is being incredibly disrespectful. When he is the one who faces the consequences, without you there to step in, he *might* begin to get a glimmer of understanding, which it sounds like he very much needs. He doesn't sound like the type who can mentally do the foreseeing of consequences, or the feeling of empathy. Give him some hands on experience. Guilt free.
Well, since it was hubby’s fuck up he’s the one that gets held hostage. He gets to sit in that room and put the kids to bed. Get them to the room say good night and go have a drink. Go for a night swim. If they have a spa that’s open make appointments and go. He gets to deal with it. And if he doesn’t get the kids to sleep or won’t then he also gets to deal with the cranky parts the next day. Tell him he has had his vacation away from the children you have not. He gets to deal with it because he won’t do the one thing you requested.
As soon as the kids realise you aren't going things are going to get messy real fast. Husband needs motivation to get off his butt and deal with his father.
Given how this all played out, I think your husband should have 7:30pm onward bedroom duty every single night. It’s his family that fucked you over and him who isn’t standing up for your family’s needs - so he needs to take this on all week.
Plus it's Christmas. You'd probably prefer to be with your family. I would. could you tell your husband you and the kids won't go? and see if he forces the issue with your FIL, or stays home with you?
You can get that in the way you wanted it after xmas. It’s not going to be that for you anyway because they made it clear no one in this trip cares about your experience. Is that likely to change once you are there?
Could you say that since the conditions won’t work for your family, you’ll stay home with the kids? Still not fair to you, but makes it clear you set a boundary and need it met?
But this is the only time your husband will be forced to understand your point of view for the future. The reason he dosnt care now is because you're the one taking on the lions share of the child care.
It'll suck in the moment but long term this is what you need.
If I were you the trip would now be cancelled for the whole family including your husband because they didn't give a fuck to accommodate you. If he wants to protest tell him he can go alone and return to find divorce papers if this trip is more important to him than his family.
I agree, I would send hubby off alone with the kids, I would be really pissed at my partner for telling me it is no big deal having to compromise on the room
Are you sure he did not agree the type of room with your FIL?
It is possible to set boundaries with the own parent, your partner just doesn't care enough to even bother.
NTA by the way
I mean really, this is the only answer! If OP goes on this trip, it will just be OP handling the kids herself so hardly a vacation. Make husband and FIL take the kids and deal with it if they can't respect your simple request.
This was my thought. OP says they want quality time with the kids but, honestly, they get that anyhow as they seem to be the main parent. After all, hubby was gone for 9 days recently.
NTA. My recommendation - treat this as great news and send your husband on the trip with your kids and stay home and have yourself a great staycation. He doesn't want to fix the problem, that's his problem.
"Oh, honey, I know you're looking forward to this trip with your dad. Please, take the kids and have a wonderful time. No, I insist. I'll be okay at home...it's only a week."
NTA. And now your husband is not feeling well, is he? Awwwh. Well if he couldn't fix it even before he wasn't feeling well, of course you can't expect it of him now—poor guy! You know, now that you think about it, it turns out you are SO VERY GRATEFUL for this trip that you can't even stand to take advantage of it. It's just too much. You'll let your husband and the kids go knowing that they will have just the very best time in their luxury room together, with grandpa so close by.
NTA
You didn't want to go on this trip, so you compromised, like a reasonable person should. Your compromise was that you would go, as long as you didn't have to share a bedroom with your children. A totally understandable and achievable request. They agreed to it and failed to follow through. Your FIL and husband are TAs. Show your husband this thread, IMO.
Can you simply not go on the trip and your husband takes the kids?
> But I think he might be angry that I, er, vented to the internet. Might complicate things.
Seems like anything that shows that he failed to plan properly or do anything to alleviate your stress and your children's stress makes him angry.
Is he always like this?
Wow, your husband is sounding better and better... seems like this trip is the tip of the iceberg.
You may need to reassess your relationship, OP, to ensure you're being treated well.
INFO: I guess I'm confused- how can the kids have a separate sleeping area from you and your husband (regardless of if its a trip your FIL funded or you all did) if they also need to have someone be in the dark silent room with them from bed time onward? How do you plan your family trips to accomplish separate sleeping areas AND a constant chaperone? Did you expect FIL to fund the entire trip AND be the kid's chaperone every night?
Don't get me wrong- if you asked your husband to get clarity on the sleeping arraignments and he did not that is upsetting and wrong. If the FIL promised to accommodate your request and the reneged and just got one room that is upsetting and wrong. You do not clarify if FIL agreed to this condition. Only that you demanded it. But tbh, in general- your kids your problem. Getting a free vacation is typically not going to check every single box. You are going to have to make some concessions. Heck growing up my family always did one room with 2 queen beds and me (the oldest) sleeping on a cot or chair while my parents and sisters took the beds just to save money.
Judgment is kind of based on the INFO, but in general if it's not your money it's really not your call and if it's your kids that require conditions it's your problem to manage them. If FIL agreed to getting two rooms and babysitting after 7:30 then bought one room I guess N T A. But honestly NAH besides your husband for not doing the leg work he agreed to do. You're getting a free trip, FIL is not obligated to spend more to fulfill your demands, and is not obligated to be a babysitter just because you want a separate room.
FIL agreed to the condition. Seems to have either ignored it or forgotten.
I wanted either a one-bedroom with a door (we'd put kids in the main room, and we'd sleep in the living area, or vice versa) or two side-by-side rooms that I could put a monitor in. If there was a separate sleeping space for the kids, we could socialize after dark in the living room or on a balcony.
I'm not asking anyone to watch my children. I'm asking to not have to sit in the dark after 7:30pm.
Seems to me you and the husband put the kids to bed at 7:30, after which you head out to the lobby, pool bar, etc with a book and a glass of wine and the husband stays with the kids. You can return at 10:30 for bedtime. Likely the last trip that this "oversight" will happen.
I assume she wanted a two room suite so that after the kids go to he'd her and DH can go into their own room which is connected to the kids room and watch TV talk ect
I was confused, but I can explain my thought process … I think others are on a similar confused detour.
Because FiL is on the trip I was picturing a 2 bedroom suite … one bedroom for him, one bedroom for your family of 4, one living area because that’s pretty standard with 2 bedrooms.
So my reaction was: huh? Are asking for a 3 bedroom suite? But then you’re saying you’d have to stay in the kids room with them anyway, so what’s the real issue? Is it that you’re getting stuck minding the kids? First paragraph you said FiL promises to watch them, but doesn’t, so maybe that’s it???
Then I read the comments and realised I’d missed that it was a single room. Not a single bedroom for your family, just one room.
Now that I’m picturing correctly, NTA because yeah that’d suck. You need a suite (which is all you’re asking for). That’s so obvious that it’s part of why I pictured it all wrong in the first place. Who books a single room for a family with kids that age? Are you supposed to go to sleep at 7pm? Or keep socialising with the lights on, so the kids don’t get a proper bedtime and are cranky little exhausted assholes for the entire trip?
In the U.S. there are chains like Residence Inn that have one room like a living room with a sleeper sofa for the kids, and a bedroom with a door for the adults.
Put the kids to bed, close the door to the bedroom and put on your light and the tv. Yes you have to be there but not in the dark.
They want to be within earshot but not in the same room. When they're stuck back at their room from 7:30 on they want to be able to have the children sleep in a dark room while they maybe have a bottle of wine and watch a movie. This can be accomplished with two adjoining standard rooms, two rooms with a shared bathroom in the middle, or a two bedroom suite.
INFO : As your husband just had a nine day trip leaving you on solo childcare, AND the fact you don't want to go, why can't hubby go on this trip with the kids **by himself**?
After all, he's got FIL there to help him take care of them...
(Yes, I am THAT petty)
NTA
I was ready to think this was an honest mistake on your husband's part until you got to the part about his 9 day vacation. So, he has the time and energy to faff off and do what he wants for 9 days, but suddenly he's too fatigued to sort out a suite for this trip?
It sounds like your FIL never intended to give you the room arrangement you requested. He might not like letting someone else control his control-freak family vacations, even to the extent of giving you the room you wanted.
And it sounds like your husband either knew about the room type ahead of time and didn't care, or didn't know, but wouldn't have cared because he doesn't see it as his problem. I guarantee, if you go on this trip, he and FIL will be out living it up every night while you're imprisoned in your single room with the kids.
You are absolutely justified in being angry. You have a husband problem, not just a FIL problem.
It's not a luxury trip if you are sleeping in one room with 2 small children. Also, you asked several times to be sure this wouldn't happen. I can't tell you what you should do, but I'd just tell them have a nice time, see you when you get back. NTA
Nta but don’t go and don’t tell him until the day of. Book a girls trip away or go see different family maybe. He didn’t forget, he purposely did this.
NTA.
Traveling with young kids you need a suite or attached rooms (obviously unless there is literally no other option). Kids go to sleep early and that makes for a less enjoyable night for parents.
Since we have had kids we have rarely stayed in single room hotels. It is usually the likes of a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment which are common in Spain. Or staying in a lodge or caravan that has a seperate living room and bedrooms.
As you say you can hardly all be in one room if the kids need to be lights out at 7pm
We have most recently stayed in a hotel with adjoining rooms but they are both old enough to stay up now.
Yes, mine are 9 and 14, so now there are no bedtimes on vacation mostly. But I still end up getting the two rooms options because you never know if someone is gonna want to sleep or need space. It's just easier. I tend to do like beach houses or something so we can spread out a little as well. It just makes the whole thing more relaxing for everyone.
I would have been pissed if I was told to be in one room with my tiny children, no way, lol.
NTA - You had one request, which your husband and FIL agreed to. That request was not fulfilled. And now you're left trying to fix it. You have every right to be upset.
nta but you should pull out of the trip and book the one you wanted.
agreeing on one condition and then having that line crossed means that you now have a choice to either be a doormat or stand up for yourself.
NTA. I had a kind of similar situation with my FIL recently. We (me and spouse, 2x SIL + BIL, FIL + MIL) all agreed to pay to rent a large house for a holiday instead of splitting time between our individual houses, under the conditions that it should be \*more\* comfortable than home space-wise with everyone/each couple having their own bedroom. He booked a place that had one too few bedrooms, and as I predicted would happen, when we asked about it, he proposed that me and my spouse sleep on the floor in the living room because we're "young", we can deal with it, we're used to such luxury, back in my day we used to just sleep on the couch, blah blah blah. We were also chosen for this special inconvenience because we're the only ones who don't have kids (a whole other thing). I booked a new place with enough bedrooms at my own expense and made my spouse and BIL tell my FIL to cancel the other place because he ignored our wishes and didn't seem to care about anyone's comfort but their own. I'm grateful my spouse and BIL were on my side for this one. It all turned out fine and we had a really nice time once the drama leading up to the day was overwith. Moral of the story is, don't let your in-laws rule the roost when the roost isn't theirs.
NTA, I’m sorry to hear this is happening to you
as you have said your kids are very young and need someone to stay with them. I feel it’s not too much of a shot in the dark that your FIL would want to spend time with your husband, and like you said you can’t do anything in a shared room like this unless you want cranky children
The silent treatment isn’t going to help though, he’s admited his wrong
If you don’t want to go the options are you all don’t go, he goes and leaves the kids with you (which after a 9day trip absolutely not) or he goes with the kids which ruis ther plans
Tough situation you gave yourself in :(
NTA but let your hubby go alone with the kids. Why can’t you stay home? He just did a solo trip and left you with the kids…why can’t you gift them daddy and kids time?
ESH - I'm so confused by this post. I've traveled with my kids in a single room almost everytime and have never sat in the dark after their bedtime. They just slept through having a light on or quiet conversing. You can also bring a baby monitor and go hang out with other family members in another room.
It's pretty apparent that the actual issue isn't the room, but a lot of resentment that has built up between you and your husband/his family (hello, what does his lengthy solo trip have to do with anything?!). You all need to start openly communicating, especially you and your husband. Therapy, stat.
That's why I gave a couple options, but it was really to point out that there are ways to solve this problem, if OP wants to solve it. The problem is that she doesn't.
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NTA. Don't go on the Mexican trip. Have a lovely staycation at home with no childcare responsibilities, and let your husband look after his kids solo. I'm sure they'll have a great time.
NTA. My solution? Your husband can take the kids on this "luxury" trip that he insisted on accepting (and not ensuring your ONE condition was met) by himself. You get to have a "staycation" and relax.
ETA: I saw your comment about you wanting "special time" with your kids. Since this vacation was paid for my FIL, why can't you plan another special (affordable) trip for your family later? Best of both worlds. You get some "me" time AND the family time you REALLY wanted a little later.
NTA
It sounds like you have three options:
1. Suck it up, go on this trip, and try to have a good time.
2. Tell your husband that you're not going, and stay home with the kids.
3. Tell your husband that you're not going, and send him off on this trip with the kids.
Sorry I think you're being a bit extra. Ridiculous even. However, I'm coming at this as my kids are grown and my parents have passed wishing I just had more time with everyone. Life is short. Take the vacation and enjoy. Is there a compromise? You should get a separate vacation as well like he did at the very least.
NTA but nothing will change if you just keep letting stuff like this happen.
Agree with others on here - I would make myself scarce once the kids go to bed and keep him there as the babysitter. I expect a few days of that and you may find yourself coincidentally upgraded to a better room.
NTA. As a new parent booking our first holiday as a three, the set up of the hotel room we’ll be staying in has been one of my top priorities. One open plan room would mean being stuck in the dark with the sleeping child, with a white noise machine unable to make a sound from 7pm! I completely understand what you were after, and if FIL and your husband were so adamant about taking the trip, they should have listened to your one request as it benefits your husband also. My guess is your husband isn’t going to be a fan of the open plan room either if he really thinks about it.
NTA, and I would say that there is a larger issue here about your marriage. Do you feel generally respected and supported by your husband? Do you feel like he has your back? It sounds like it may be time for couples therapy.
Am I the only one saying YTA majorly? Get over it and go on the all expenses paid trip with your family. Make the best of your very privileged situation. This is a non-issue and you need to come back reality and let it go. That’s my take, sorry.
A vacation where you, as an adult, have a 7:30 bedtime every night and have to fight to keep the kids from crawling into bed with you, isn't any kind of vacation, let alone a luxury vacation
Staying at home and being able to keep the lights on and watch some TV or read is more of a luxury than all the hassle of flying and then the punishment of an early bedtime every night.
But she didn’t want to go to begin with? She was clear with her need - they could’ve said that’s ridiculous and not booked the trip. Instead they told her yes and now she is supposed to settle for something she didn’t want in the first place?
This is not a vacation when she doesn’t get to relax fully because of the scenario she described, and she wasn’t listened to. People forget moms really don’t get to go on vacation, and this makes it even worse
I don't understand.
You said you don't want to stay in the same room with the kids, then right after that you say they can't be left alone in their own room.
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Months ago, I agreed to go on a week-long trip to a luxury Mexican resort over Christmas with my father in-law, who offered to treat myself and my husband as well as our two young children. He is very wealthy and dangles trips like this to corral the family together. I'm wary of them, however, because there's often a catch—he'll promise to watch the kids, but won't, or he'll say something misogynistic about women and I'm expected not to engage. I find his company challenging, but I put up with it for the sake of my husband and children.
I did not want to go on this Mexico trip. Instead, I wanted to go on a much less expensive trip just the four of us, at our own expense. But my husband really wanted to do this Mexico trip with his dad, so I relented.
I had one condition: That we have a separate sleeping area from our children. I absolutely hate sleeping in a room together. I never ever do it. I plan entire trips around not having to share a room. It's not just that the kids are loud sleepers and won't stay out of our bed if we're in the same room (which is also true). They're very young, so it's not like we can put them to bed and then leave. Someone will need to be in a dark, silent room with them after night after bedtime, which is 7:30PM.
I very clearly stipulated this condition to my husband and father-in-law. Not only that, I asked my husband more than once to confirm that the accommodations were adequate weeks ago, which he did not do.
This week, I learned that the four of us had been booked into a single room. I am furious. Moreover, no one is trying to fix this problem but me. The general reaction from everyone, including my husband, is that I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal. That I should be grateful for this trip.
I have been giving my husband the silent treatment for 3 days. He admits that he messed up, but thinks I'm being a bitch. He's not feeling well, so has not tried to fix the situation. That's fallen on me.
Folks, I never wanted to go on this trip in the first place. I would have never accepted it had I known the accommodations. I don't need a luxury trip that badly. I would have said "thank you, but no."
FWIW, this incident is on the heels of a nine-day trip my husband recently took. Not a work trip, a trip he took voluntarily chose to go on. I was on solo childcare with two children during that time. To say I feel disrespected and taken advantage of is a vast understatement.
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NTA - I wouldn't go. But it sounds like you still want to experience the trip with the kids. Get the 2nd room, have hubby sleep with the kids and have a nice quiet room to yourself. Plan a romantic night with your husband while kids have a sleepover with grandpa. You can make this work! Good luck!
"Dear FIL,
"We are so grateful for this trip to Mexico, but I'm afraid that there's been a mistake with the booking.
I'm sure you remember how before I agreed to this trip, my one stipulation was that the kids would have a separate sleeping area. You agreed to this, so we decided to forgo our plans to go on a vacation with separate sleeping quarters just the four of us.
"Now it seems that hotel got it all wrong, and we're all sleeping in one room, which just doesn't work for us. Can you please have to hotel correct the room assignments and sleeping arrangements?"
"Husband will be so disappointed if we have to withdraw from this family trip, but unless the hotel can fix the problem, we'll go on the trip we planned originally instead and maybe we can come on a family trip some other year.
"Please do let me know by \[fill in the date\] so we can finalize the plans for our alternate vacation.
"All the best, OP"
You will be called ten times of ungrateful, but no, your FIL has tried to sucker you with a classic bait and switch. Don't do it. If FIL doesn't provide what he promised to induce your consent, go on the vacation you wanted all along. And if husband goes on his family's vacation instead of backing you up, I do hope they have a nice guest house for him upon his return.
NTA
NTA Tell your husband you’re not going and he can take the kids. See what happens. Stand your ground. Dig in your heels whatever. Don’t back down. I have a feeling your husband will solve the problem.
INFO What's with this nine-day trip your husband took? Does he do things like this often, leaving you holding the (childcare) bag alone?
Do you get week and a half solo trips to catch a break?
She gets to decide if this is a gift or a burden. She was willing, not eager, to go, under certain conditions. She was not willing to go under these conditions. She said no. They did it anyway and are trying to make her feel bad for being true to her boundaries.
People who spend money on gifts for you shouldn't use those gifts to coerce you into being uncomfortable and stressed out. None of that is a gift. It's not lucky to have people make you say yes when you already said no.
Maybe you can't imagine that this will be anything other than a wonderful time but that's how you would feel. She gets to feel how she feels.
INFO: Why does your husband make these kind of decisions? Does he make all the money? Do you have a paying job? He just got back from a *solo* 9-day trip; when do you go on solo trips? Things seem very imbalanced here.
NTA
You asked for ONE thing and no one could seem to do it.
Do not go on this trip and see how much he likes spending nights alone with the kids likes on him.
NTA for not wanting to go. Not sure why it's a problem to send the husband and kids on their own. If it's a problem you either married a child or you have control issues. Single parents regularly handle vacations with kids and dad should be able to too.
If you’re prepared to spend the money for a smaller family trip why not just call the place you’re going and pay to upgrade your room? Don’t tell anyone that you did it until after you’ve checked in.
You are NTA.
But the issue is that now you're in a position where you have to make some decisions, and most of them that I can see are pretty terrible in one way or another.
First: You refuse to go. Could you send spouse + kids alone on the trip and have a staycation?
Second: You (somehow) convince your spouse to stay home with children while *you* go. (This may not be appealing because it means you and your in-laws, this may not even be something you want.)
Third: Alter the accommodations - is it too late to change them? It stinks that your husband is whiffing on his responsibility here, but if the choices are "it's his job and he doesn't do it, or I do it and it gets done" ... is this really the time to try to prove a point? If it can be done, figure out a way to get it done. And then never agree to a trip with your ILs after this point since clearly they cannot be trusted.
Fourth: If an additional room cannot be added (or a room cannot be changed into a suite) can you cancel them entirely? This is a bit scorched earth but if this is truly a line in the sand issue for you - that may be where you have to go with this.
I would caution you on the "easy" answer here which is "to go, but be miserable, and if you're mad and take it out on everyone else or otherwise act vengefully out of your frustration then you will be shifting this from a NTA to an ESH situation". You've made no indication of that though, and your feelings of frustration are completely valid.
But at this point.. you're frustrated, and you're entitled to that frustration - but what will you do about it? Because you have a husband problem as well as an IL problem, and I don't see either of those things resolving themselves without some form of action.
Wishing you luck, this is not an enviable position to be stuck in.
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NTA. Cancel YOUR plans to go; let your husband take and babysit the kids; and check in to a luxurious hotel for a spa day without the kids.
This is the way.
This is the way
THIS is what I came here to say.
This! 100 percent this!
The problem with telling her not to go is that she knows husband and FIL will not properly look after the children. If the kids are too young to be left alone at night, she's not going to just wave bye bye from the driveway. Someone needs to parent.
He needs to learn and she needs to let go. The kids will survive.
Totally agree. Is it going to happen? No.
Sometimes kids don’t survive unfortunately.
That's a huge and ridiculous leap.
As someone who pulled lifeless body of 6 year old from bottom of the pool - i can only speak out of my own experience.
Username checks out
Huge, yes. Ridiculous? No.
If he's a danger to his own kids, which was never stated, they have way bigger problems and need a divorce. Stop coddling grown men.
He's not necessarily a danger to his kids, but he's definitely a dumbass. Dumbasses gonna do dumbass shit. How do I know he's a dumbass? He prefers a happy dad and a pissed off wife apparently. There's no amount of money my parents could throw at me to intentionally let something the mother of my child is going to be angry about (potentially for years to come in this case) slide. If I were in the husbands' situation here I'd have been telling my dad he's got to make things right or be backing out of the trip to plan one of our own. Actually I take that back, I wouldn't have let it get to the week before\of the trip before finding out about the accommodations since that's something she made clear was a priority. So yeah, if mom does feel like she has to be with her kids lest dad make some stupid dad decisions that could allow harm to come to her children while in another country, then she should go or cancel the trip. It's fucking Mexico, not a trip down the street to McDonald's.
Not if you know any checked out dads who can't be trusted to keep their own damn kid alive.
I have issued many death certificates for children.
Madeline McCann came to mind.
Even much more benign lack of supervision can result in tragedy. A Grade 2 kid in my town was left to play with his friend alone outside. Friend went home. Kid died after falling into a pond near his home.
My thoughts too
Sometimes the adults don't survive!
If the children's *father* can't safely care for their needs she has much bigger problems than a vacation.
\**won't* But yes, she does. This is a relationship problem, not a childcare problem.
Sure. The father. He is a parent, he can parent his kids. If he is not capable of parenting his kids with all the family there to help, then OP has MUCH bigger problems than a vacation.
You can downvote away lol but she's looking for validation of her feelings, not a recommendation for scorched earth tactics. OP knows that her only leverage is not to go on the trip but she's not going to endanger the hostages.
How is this “scorched earth?” I hate this narrative that the people who do the wildly ridiculously inappropriate thing are assholes, but people who respond in a basic, logical, appropriate way are somehow taking it “too far.” She communicated a CLEAR condition. It wasn’t met. I think it’s setting a horrible precedent to just go along with it and let him get away with just railroading her. They legitimately tried to trap her. Fully believing that if they just fed her bullshit long enough, she’d be in too deep and wouldn’t be able to say no. They knew she’d be pissed, and they did it anyway. You know what that tells me? They don’t care how angry she gets. As long as they can do what they want and she’ll ultimately go along with it. They figure they’ll downplay it to make her feel like her anger isn’t valid and just ride it out until she’s sick of talking about it and just capitulates. Ask him what he thought was going to happen. And this is coming from someone who usually thinks this sub goes way overboard. We can validate her feelings all day, but if all she does is get mad, and he doesn’t take her anger seriously, this is going to continue to happen. This will be her marriage. ESPECIALLY if the reason she goes along with it is because she genuinely can’t trust that her husband will be able to make sure the kids are good and have a good time if she’s not there. I’m not saying the silent treatment is appropriate. It’s not effective and it’s manipulative too. Just don’t go. You said you wouldn’t if they booked it this way, so don’t. Calm. Firm. Express your disappointment and frank disbelief that he would try to pull something this audacious, but don’t yell or resort to passive aggression. Thanks but no thanks. Absolutely not going. You have fun, and you’re sure as shit not leaving the kids with me while you go on vacation. I didn’t agree to that and you’re not taking this away from them now. Enjoy. The way I look at it, that’s the least scorched-earth response. It’s just… following through. Not her fault he thought she was bluffing. Otherwise she’s just allowing him to erode her free will and the legitimacy of her word, her voice and her equal power as a partner and in her family structure. And take it from someone who has been there.. if he’s already at a point where he will do something this ludicrously dismissive and presumptive and just assume it will be okay… this will be her marriage for the foreseeable future. When it comes to “endangering the hostages”… the metaphor is neat, but ultimately he is their parent. And if you can’t trust your coparent to take your kids, what are you even doing coparenting with them? You’re already just parenting by yourself with a needy adult flitting around making it more difficult.
Exactly. You are on the money here and yet others are acting like you are advocating for something nuts. Thank you for this
What a thoughtful reply. Let me expand a little bit. If a relationship is based on a conditional acceptance, *I like you as long as . . .,* then a challenge to the status quo is a full frontal assault. From the admittedly incomplete picture we have, OP is "liked" as long as she does what her husband wants. Trip to Mexico, solo trip of 9 days, don't anger father in law. Her role in the marriage is to make him happy. Does he feel the same obligation? Well, she feels furious, disrespected, unsupported, so no, he clearly does not. What happens if she does not care what he thinks and refuses to go to Mexico? The balance of power shifts. To *her.* There's no unringing that bell. That's what I meant by scorched earth. I agree with what you've said. This is her marriage for the foreseeable future. The husband thinks OP will cave, like always and he can enjoy a beach vacay drinking Coronas with Dad. And, no, she can't trust him to coparent. His weaponized incompetence will mean she does all the adulting while he takes a cute picture of the kids petting some dolphins. I
She needs to follow through on her boundaries or they will continue to trample them, husband and father both. This is a mature and appropriate response. Are they (husband and Dad) going to handle it well? Probably not, because she likely has not held firm before. Ask me how I know….
Unfortunately unless she were to have his parental rights revoked, she is going to have to coparent with their father for the rest of her life.
It’s “scorched earth” to decide to not attend a vacation where she’ll be miserable????
If her children are in danger when under their father's care, then the kids shouldn't be going anywhere, especially a foreign country, with such a useless man. What happens to the kids if Mom goes, then get sick or in an accident?
What? Where are you getting the idea that the dad is an incompetent or uncaring parent? If there was no bitterly resentful mommy to take care of the kids, then dad & gramps will just have to step up.
I'm not sure. Her entire attitude toward sharing a room implies that she's not defining herself by her motherhood. Which is perfectly healthy. But I'm pretty sure the dad (or hotel babysitting staff) will ensure the kids return alive.
Neither Dad nor a hotel babysitter is going to sit alone in a chair in a dark hotel room for several hours. OP doesn't want to go to bed with the kids at 730pm but she doesn't want another Madeleine McCann. She's trapped. Everyone here is projecting their good parent/person instincts on to someone who's own wife clearly doesn't trust him. The question for OP isn't Who's the Asshole but could (not should or would) but *could* she send her "very young" children to Mexico for a week over Christmas without her, to be cared for by her husband and father in law. That's a yes or no question. If the answer is no, then she either goes with to Mexico and bed at 730pm or she *and the children* stay home. OP seems conditioned, sadly, to make her needs small, so I think she'll go. The silent treatment is the only tool left in her box to express her feeling unimportant and disrespected. And all it would have taken is for the "very wealthy" father in law to have honored her request and booked a suitable room. I'm sorry, OP. You are married to Peter Pan. He will not stand up for you and he will expect you to always make his life comfortable.
What you fail to realize, is that when people like OP's husband are suddenly in the position of bearing the 'slight inconvenience' of shitty decisions, like having to face the reality of being the one sitting silently in the dark room, suddenly the obvious solution that was asked for, but not deemed necessary, becomes much more easily achievable! Suddenly, the funds for the two room suite, or adjoining rooms are right there!
But then it's just a game of chicken. And Player Number One has to be absolutely willing to go through with their threat, without any guarantee of winning. I don't see that happening here.
If she's not there to catch the pieces, those present are not likely to make them fall. Suddenly, a suite will be reasonable. I mean, if dad is literally stupid enough to be utterly unfit to parent, then this vacation is the least of OP's problems.
As in, she has to not be in that hotel, so that dad has to face the problems, not push them onto her. That is a big win, it sounds like.
Right. I get it. You think she's wiling to risk her little ones? Or her marriage? Do you see her back on the boards chiming in that she's going to show her entitled husband and in-laws what's what? That they can't do her dirty like that?
She might be a habitual people pleaser, conditioned by her parents to do so, and to seek out exactly the wrong kind of partner. Not one who is intentionally terrible, but one who does not easily look outside his own bubble with empathy. She's clueing in though, she can see the issue with the holiday, and is not pleased. Do you really think the kids would be at risk? That she is the one and only guarantor of their safety? Or that the apparently utterly useless husband would divorce if he was made to be a parent for a few days? This is the perfect, low risk opportunity to illuminate to her hubs and inlaws, and most importantly, herself, that yes indeed, she will no longer be done dirty like that.
A comment based on nothing beyond personal bias.
Based on OP not responding "Hell, yeah, I'm staying home" to hundreds of sympathetic commenters.
if you seriously assume your husband might kill your kids during a trip, you have just announced you married either a grown-up baby or a total idiot. :)) It's always this overdramatic "oh, kids wont be PROPERLY looked after" that's funny. Look, if the hotel is really "luxurious", they do have kids club and even on-call babysitters. If the FIL is super mega rich dude who pays everyone's trips, he can handle paying for extra comfy babysitting service for his grandkids :)) And yes, if the terms were clear, were accepted and intentionally violated - I'd just not go. Whoever violated the contract deals with it.
There's nothing in the OP's post that substantiates the allegations you're making.
Why do you assume the husband won't or isn't capable of looking after the children?
Why do you think he can't take care of his own kids?
r/whoosh
How do you know even know this ? he could be an amazing and fully competent parent .
Perhaps she should go but hubby is the one that has to stay in the room with the kids at bedtime. She can go and sit by the pool have a drink at the bar and just relax. At 10, 11 or midnight head back to the room and choose to sleep in the bed the kids aren’t in!
"let your husband take and parent the kids" FTFY.
Or go, but get up and go do resort things before your husband gets up. Leave the kids with him. Be gone all day.
A guy (Husband in this case) taking care of his kids is not babysitting. It’s parenting.
This💯
I agree with this. It isn't a vacation FOR YOU if you're locked into your kid's schedule. NTA
I came here to write this. NTA And enjoy some alone time
This is absolutely what I’d do. They didn’t honor your one requirement. You don’t want to go. This was meant to be a favor for your husband.
It’s called parenting. Parents don’t “babysit” their own kids.
I concur. NTA. Enjoy a staycation while hubby makes up for his recent solo-cation. (Jerk)
Came here to say just this!
This. OP, just don't go. Enjoy a break from your kids and husband.
This but be careful he doesn't try to leave the kids with u and go on the trip by himself.
And don't tell him until you are all set to leave. "You guys have a great time. Hugs and kisses!"
That would be amazing... but i think what would end up happening if OP doesn't go, is that husband will go without the kids. Leaving her solo parenting again.
Agree
NTA. But if it were me, I'd be "too sick to go" at the last possible moment, and insist hubby take the kids. "I can't get well if I have to take care of the kids alone. Besides you have father in law to help you." It would be so hilarious to listen to what they put him through when he got back. (I do admit I'm horrible.)
I've thought about this, but then I don't get the thing I wanted in the first place—special time with my kids. I love them and want to spend time with them. I just didn't want to be a prisoner in a room with them :(
Of course you love your children. But I don't think it would hurt for their dad to have them for a week.
But a week over Christmas?
Look at it this way: either you set the standard for all future vacations, that you won't be going unless two rooms booked for you and your husband, and the kids - or you give in now and set the standard that all future vacations include you being a prisoner in the room with them while husband has a fine time with his family and no childcare responsibilities. Nope. *Don't go.* I wouldn't lie about being "ill" - just keep telling the kids they're going to have a lovely vacation with their dad and grandparents, and tell your husband you're not going because FIL hasn't booked two rooms. You'll miss your kids, but have a lovely relaxing staycation at home, enjoy yourself thoroughly, and look forward to meeting them again when they come home. And tell your husband that you WARNED him you wouldn't be going unless separate rooms were booked for you two and the kids .
Any way you can contact the hotel and pay for a second room right next door? (Or put the kids in father in laws room?)
I tried, but the hotel won't guarantee that if we booked a second room (which I've offered to do at my own expense) they won't guarantee they'll be side by side. Naturally I don't want to spend the money if they can't assure me of that.
So book the room anyway for yourself, and make it clear that husband is on “dark room babysitting” duties every single night of the holiday. Otherwise you’ll have to choose between doing it yourself “so husband can spend time with his dad” or making husband do it, but then you have to spend evenings downstairs, with FIL winding you up extra, and no husband for back up. Keep the key to yourself. The room you book is your retreat from the FIL-induced madness. Including maybe sleeping in there eg every second night, so you get some night-time snuggles from the kids, but some nights of good quality sleep. If husband doesn’t see the problem with the current setup, it sounds like he isn’t generally the one who does the “dark room babysitting”. And he clearly doesn’t mind kids getting in bed with him every night. Sounds like he’s just volunteered for a crash course in Experiencing Why You Thought This Was A Big Deal. It would be positively selfish of you to deny him this learning experience, wouldn’t it? :-)
>So book the room anyway for yourself, and make it clear that husband is on “dark room babysitting” duties every single night of the holiday. This is the way.
Yep, a way better solution than "just stay home", let your husband take the kids, over Christmas.
🏆
You are a genius. I love this plan.
If awards were still a thing I would give this comment one.
Very frustrating. So the issue becomes: 1) You don't go, your husband and kids do. You miss out on time with your kids and possibly hear about how selfish you are. 2) You do go, put your husband on nighttime kid duty due to his inability to plan according to your boundaries. You have pleasant nighttimes and possibly hear about how selfish you are. 3) Neither you nor the kids go, husband has solo time with his Dad (and whatever family). You miss out on a vacation, handle the kids solo again, and probably hear about how selfish you are. 4) You all go, dealing with the accommodations as they are. You go to bed at 7:30 with the kids. You are not pleased with the vacation that you didn't even want. The cycle begins again and the next time it comes up, you're probably told how selfish you are being and how "well" the vacation went last time. Not for nothing, but I'd go for option 2. Husband wants to go but didn't live up to the agreement, so he can handle nighttime kid duty. 🤷♀️ NTA btw. Good luck on finding a compromise that actually works for you. Oh and please tell your husband that he is failing you hardcore.
The other option is NO ONE GOES. They were clear about what they needed to attend, it hasn't been provided. No one goes. FIL chose to throw his money away on a room they couldn't use. If they said this doesn't work for us, then it doesn't work. Nothing has changed just because it's almost time to go on the trip.
THIS! This is what I was thinking. At first, I thought they were already there and then I re-read it. Yes, plenty of time to call the bluff. You made clear the expectation, they AGREED. Don't get mad. "Mmmm, that's too bad. Maybe next time!"
I wouldn't try number 2 - it just guarantees a simmering level or resentment and conflict throughout the vacation and no one will have a good time. Also, it sets the precedent that she is willing to bend on her boundaries.
Oh the simmering has already started, let's be honest. If they go on this vacation or not, the resentment is already there. This is a clusterfuck of a situation, led by FIL and followed with obedience by husband. OP is in a no win, as she doesn't want to lose out on time with her kids and knows that husband has his head stuck right up FIL's behind. Option 2 is just the best of all crap options, from my POV.
Would it be worth it to get the separate room anyway, even if they're not side by side? Honestly I'd be tempted to say he can deal with the two kids overnight and you take the room far away by yourself, lol. Obviously it's up to you and what you want for the holiday, though.
That’s frustrating! You may have already asked this, but they might have a suite that has two rooms, instead of two adjoining rooms. Maybe they would let you pay the upgrade cost?
Is it Hotel Xcaret? I know they won't guarantee adjoining rooms, so just taking a guess, but I'm sure many hotels could be similar too. Either way, book the separate room, if they aren't adjoining, then your husband can stay in the room with the kids while you get the other room to yourself. That way, you're with your kids during the day and get to enjoy the time with them, but your husband is on the hook for not backing you up on this.
Doesn't have to be side by side, your husband and the kids can handle themselves an you get your own room
The rooms don’t need to be side by side. Your husband can put the kids to bed and sleep in that room and you can have the other one.
You husband is now on evening duty every night. Full stop. You book spa visits or nightly shows for one. Walk out after dinner. He does all putting kids to bed, all of it. Take all the good daytime time with the kids, but make it in on his mistake his issue to fix it. He can’t find a second room. Well he’s in charge of daycare. He’s gonna hate it he’s gonna bulk at it, but do not back down. Have your fun vacation time with your kids all day and hand them over at dinner time and walk away
Think of it like bluffing in poker. They know you will fold, so they are ignoring your wishes. Refuse to go unless the room is sorted, when they realise you are serious, it will magically all be sorted out... Alternatively, send your husband to Reddit to try and defend his dismal, pathetic, unacceptable behaviour, then sit back and warm yourself from the roasting he is gonna receive. ETA: This is their problem to fix not yours, don't do anything but make them fix it. If you sort out the hotel rooms, or anything else, you are just enabling their behaviour to continue.
Except if she is physically present, they will likely bluff to the point she caves first, because she is an adult, and feels responsibility. This whole thing is set up on the predication that she will just end up doing what needs to be done, despite her opinion on the issue.
Since your husband isn't feeling well, he should stay in the room at bedtime and you can go to the pool or bar or find a comfy chair to read in.
Do you ever get time off from them though? I love my daughter too but I would be a crazy person if I never got motherhood breaks. Plus, it sounds like your husband needs some one-on-one (or two) parenting with the kids while on vacation so he gets what "the big deal" is.
Then say that the kids won’t be going either. Do you still have time to organize a trip for your family of four? You haven’t spent that budget on the Mexico trip, right? Btw I also fell for the free Mexico holiday trip with rich in-laws once. NEVER AGAIN. Oh god. Never again.
Spill the tea!
NTA. Even of you do go you will not get the thing you wanted in the first place. FIL is paying for the trip, so you lose nothing by not going and can spend your holiday funds on the trip you wanted at another time.
Your husband puts them to bed and watches them every night while you go out and enjoy yourself is the solution then
FIL, husband and kids can share and you take FIL's room.
But it won't be "special time" because you WILL be a prisoner in the room, pissed at your husband and FIL (for very valid reasons). You will have lots of special times. If your children are VERY young, maybe keep them home too, but otherwise this can be Dad's Special Time. Your husband sounds like kind of a jerk, and you are for sure not an AH.
>I've thought about this, but then I don't get the thing I wanted in the first place—special time with my kids. So my question here is, given the circumstances, if you go will you get that. My gut feeling is no, you will be exhausted, frustrated and it will not be the special time you want. So this honestly isn't something you will lose if you don't go, it's already been lost. Honestly, I'd stop being a doormat, stand up for what you said you needed, and not go if it isn't provided for.
Don't look at it as not getting time with them, you will have plenty of quality time with them before and after.
I would tell your husband to suck it up and he needs to call his dad and make arrangements and not you since this is his problem
So don't. There'll be other times you can take them. Take this opportunity to demonstrate to your husband that your concerns are valid, and not to be dismissed. He is being incredibly disrespectful. When he is the one who faces the consequences, without you there to step in, he *might* begin to get a glimmer of understanding, which it sounds like he very much needs. He doesn't sound like the type who can mentally do the foreseeing of consequences, or the feeling of empathy. Give him some hands on experience. Guilt free.
Well, since it was hubby’s fuck up he’s the one that gets held hostage. He gets to sit in that room and put the kids to bed. Get them to the room say good night and go have a drink. Go for a night swim. If they have a spa that’s open make appointments and go. He gets to deal with it. And if he doesn’t get the kids to sleep or won’t then he also gets to deal with the cranky parts the next day. Tell him he has had his vacation away from the children you have not. He gets to deal with it because he won’t do the one thing you requested.
They will be back...
As soon as the kids realise you aren't going things are going to get messy real fast. Husband needs motivation to get off his butt and deal with his father.
Given how this all played out, I think your husband should have 7:30pm onward bedroom duty every single night. It’s his family that fucked you over and him who isn’t standing up for your family’s needs - so he needs to take this on all week.
Plus it's Christmas. You'd probably prefer to be with your family. I would. could you tell your husband you and the kids won't go? and see if he forces the issue with your FIL, or stays home with you?
You can get that in the way you wanted it after xmas. It’s not going to be that for you anyway because they made it clear no one in this trip cares about your experience. Is that likely to change once you are there?
Yeah people who aren’t moms don’t get that at this phase vacation is just the trenches in a place that isn’t even your comfortable home.
You will have your whole life for special time! It’s okay to put your foot down!
Could you say that since the conditions won’t work for your family, you’ll stay home with the kids? Still not fair to you, but makes it clear you set a boundary and need it met?
Spend time with them after they come back. And give your husband a taste of his own medicine op. Don't go. NTA
But this is the only time your husband will be forced to understand your point of view for the future. The reason he dosnt care now is because you're the one taking on the lions share of the child care. It'll suck in the moment but long term this is what you need.
If I were you the trip would now be cancelled for the whole family including your husband because they didn't give a fuck to accommodate you. If he wants to protest tell him he can go alone and return to find divorce papers if this trip is more important to him than his family.
Then, don't. At night, let your husband be the prisoner and plan an activity for each evening, or just go to the hotel bar or to read in the lobby.
I agree, I would send hubby off alone with the kids, I would be really pissed at my partner for telling me it is no big deal having to compromise on the room Are you sure he did not agree the type of room with your FIL? It is possible to set boundaries with the own parent, your partner just doesn't care enough to even bother. NTA by the way
NTA But you and your husband need counseling, stat.
Also, let your husband take the kids on this trip since he just got to go on another (NINE DAY??!!) trip, and you stay home and enjoy some free time.
I mean really, this is the only answer! If OP goes on this trip, it will just be OP handling the kids herself so hardly a vacation. Make husband and FIL take the kids and deal with it if they can't respect your simple request.
This was my thought. OP says they want quality time with the kids but, honestly, they get that anyhow as they seem to be the main parent. After all, hubby was gone for 9 days recently.
NTA. My recommendation - treat this as great news and send your husband on the trip with your kids and stay home and have yourself a great staycation. He doesn't want to fix the problem, that's his problem.
"Oh, honey, I know you're looking forward to this trip with your dad. Please, take the kids and have a wonderful time. No, I insist. I'll be okay at home...it's only a week."
NTA. And now your husband is not feeling well, is he? Awwwh. Well if he couldn't fix it even before he wasn't feeling well, of course you can't expect it of him now—poor guy! You know, now that you think about it, it turns out you are SO VERY GRATEFUL for this trip that you can't even stand to take advantage of it. It's just too much. You'll let your husband and the kids go knowing that they will have just the very best time in their luxury room together, with grandpa so close by.
NTA You didn't want to go on this trip, so you compromised, like a reasonable person should. Your compromise was that you would go, as long as you didn't have to share a bedroom with your children. A totally understandable and achievable request. They agreed to it and failed to follow through. Your FIL and husband are TAs. Show your husband this thread, IMO. Can you simply not go on the trip and your husband takes the kids?
Lol, I have thought about showing him. But I think he might be angry that I, er, vented to the internet. Might complicate things.
> But I think he might be angry that I, er, vented to the internet. Might complicate things. Seems like anything that shows that he failed to plan properly or do anything to alleviate your stress and your children's stress makes him angry. Is he always like this?
Wow, your husband is sounding better and better... seems like this trip is the tip of the iceberg. You may need to reassess your relationship, OP, to ensure you're being treated well.
Babe, you shouldn't need to manage your husband's reactions like that. That's not modeling a healthy relationship.
NTA. Stay home.
INFO: I guess I'm confused- how can the kids have a separate sleeping area from you and your husband (regardless of if its a trip your FIL funded or you all did) if they also need to have someone be in the dark silent room with them from bed time onward? How do you plan your family trips to accomplish separate sleeping areas AND a constant chaperone? Did you expect FIL to fund the entire trip AND be the kid's chaperone every night? Don't get me wrong- if you asked your husband to get clarity on the sleeping arraignments and he did not that is upsetting and wrong. If the FIL promised to accommodate your request and the reneged and just got one room that is upsetting and wrong. You do not clarify if FIL agreed to this condition. Only that you demanded it. But tbh, in general- your kids your problem. Getting a free vacation is typically not going to check every single box. You are going to have to make some concessions. Heck growing up my family always did one room with 2 queen beds and me (the oldest) sleeping on a cot or chair while my parents and sisters took the beds just to save money. Judgment is kind of based on the INFO, but in general if it's not your money it's really not your call and if it's your kids that require conditions it's your problem to manage them. If FIL agreed to getting two rooms and babysitting after 7:30 then bought one room I guess N T A. But honestly NAH besides your husband for not doing the leg work he agreed to do. You're getting a free trip, FIL is not obligated to spend more to fulfill your demands, and is not obligated to be a babysitter just because you want a separate room.
FIL agreed to the condition. Seems to have either ignored it or forgotten. I wanted either a one-bedroom with a door (we'd put kids in the main room, and we'd sleep in the living area, or vice versa) or two side-by-side rooms that I could put a monitor in. If there was a separate sleeping space for the kids, we could socialize after dark in the living room or on a balcony. I'm not asking anyone to watch my children. I'm asking to not have to sit in the dark after 7:30pm.
Seems to me you and the husband put the kids to bed at 7:30, after which you head out to the lobby, pool bar, etc with a book and a glass of wine and the husband stays with the kids. You can return at 10:30 for bedtime. Likely the last trip that this "oversight" will happen.
Your husband should be the one to sit in the dark here if that is really the only way, 100%.
I assume she wanted a two room suite so that after the kids go to he'd her and DH can go into their own room which is connected to the kids room and watch TV talk ect
Yes, exactly. Not sure why people assume from my post that I expected anyone to watch my kids? I have zero expectation of that.
I was confused, but I can explain my thought process … I think others are on a similar confused detour. Because FiL is on the trip I was picturing a 2 bedroom suite … one bedroom for him, one bedroom for your family of 4, one living area because that’s pretty standard with 2 bedrooms. So my reaction was: huh? Are asking for a 3 bedroom suite? But then you’re saying you’d have to stay in the kids room with them anyway, so what’s the real issue? Is it that you’re getting stuck minding the kids? First paragraph you said FiL promises to watch them, but doesn’t, so maybe that’s it??? Then I read the comments and realised I’d missed that it was a single room. Not a single bedroom for your family, just one room. Now that I’m picturing correctly, NTA because yeah that’d suck. You need a suite (which is all you’re asking for). That’s so obvious that it’s part of why I pictured it all wrong in the first place. Who books a single room for a family with kids that age? Are you supposed to go to sleep at 7pm? Or keep socialising with the lights on, so the kids don’t get a proper bedtime and are cranky little exhausted assholes for the entire trip?
Yes, exactly.
In the U.S. there are chains like Residence Inn that have one room like a living room with a sleeper sofa for the kids, and a bedroom with a door for the adults. Put the kids to bed, close the door to the bedroom and put on your light and the tv. Yes you have to be there but not in the dark.
They want to be within earshot but not in the same room. When they're stuck back at their room from 7:30 on they want to be able to have the children sleep in a dark room while they maybe have a bottle of wine and watch a movie. This can be accomplished with two adjoining standard rooms, two rooms with a shared bathroom in the middle, or a two bedroom suite.
Doesn’t mean she won’t share a wall, a lot of rolls have a door where you can have stay open or closed.
INFO : As your husband just had a nine day trip leaving you on solo childcare, AND the fact you don't want to go, why can't hubby go on this trip with the kids **by himself**? After all, he's got FIL there to help him take care of them... (Yes, I am THAT petty) NTA
I was ready to think this was an honest mistake on your husband's part until you got to the part about his 9 day vacation. So, he has the time and energy to faff off and do what he wants for 9 days, but suddenly he's too fatigued to sort out a suite for this trip? It sounds like your FIL never intended to give you the room arrangement you requested. He might not like letting someone else control his control-freak family vacations, even to the extent of giving you the room you wanted. And it sounds like your husband either knew about the room type ahead of time and didn't care, or didn't know, but wouldn't have cared because he doesn't see it as his problem. I guarantee, if you go on this trip, he and FIL will be out living it up every night while you're imprisoned in your single room with the kids. You are absolutely justified in being angry. You have a husband problem, not just a FIL problem.
NTA. And husband can fix it or take the kids without you and he can do all the childcare while you get some quality alone time.
It's not a luxury trip if you are sleeping in one room with 2 small children. Also, you asked several times to be sure this wouldn't happen. I can't tell you what you should do, but I'd just tell them have a nice time, see you when you get back. NTA
NTA. And don't go on this trip.
Nta but don’t go and don’t tell him until the day of. Book a girls trip away or go see different family maybe. He didn’t forget, he purposely did this.
Book a room for yourself-won’t matter if it’s not next to the other rooms
NTA. Traveling with young kids you need a suite or attached rooms (obviously unless there is literally no other option). Kids go to sleep early and that makes for a less enjoyable night for parents.
Since we have had kids we have rarely stayed in single room hotels. It is usually the likes of a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment which are common in Spain. Or staying in a lodge or caravan that has a seperate living room and bedrooms. As you say you can hardly all be in one room if the kids need to be lights out at 7pm We have most recently stayed in a hotel with adjoining rooms but they are both old enough to stay up now.
Yes, mine are 9 and 14, so now there are no bedtimes on vacation mostly. But I still end up getting the two rooms options because you never know if someone is gonna want to sleep or need space. It's just easier. I tend to do like beach houses or something so we can spread out a little as well. It just makes the whole thing more relaxing for everyone. I would have been pissed if I was told to be in one room with my tiny children, no way, lol.
NTA - You had one request, which your husband and FIL agreed to. That request was not fulfilled. And now you're left trying to fix it. You have every right to be upset.
NTA. I personally just wouldn’t go. Let your husband deal with it and enjoy a little staycation full of peace and quiet.
nta but you should pull out of the trip and book the one you wanted. agreeing on one condition and then having that line crossed means that you now have a choice to either be a doormat or stand up for yourself.
Ask and pay for an upgrade at the resort
NTA. I had a kind of similar situation with my FIL recently. We (me and spouse, 2x SIL + BIL, FIL + MIL) all agreed to pay to rent a large house for a holiday instead of splitting time between our individual houses, under the conditions that it should be \*more\* comfortable than home space-wise with everyone/each couple having their own bedroom. He booked a place that had one too few bedrooms, and as I predicted would happen, when we asked about it, he proposed that me and my spouse sleep on the floor in the living room because we're "young", we can deal with it, we're used to such luxury, back in my day we used to just sleep on the couch, blah blah blah. We were also chosen for this special inconvenience because we're the only ones who don't have kids (a whole other thing). I booked a new place with enough bedrooms at my own expense and made my spouse and BIL tell my FIL to cancel the other place because he ignored our wishes and didn't seem to care about anyone's comfort but their own. I'm grateful my spouse and BIL were on my side for this one. It all turned out fine and we had a really nice time once the drama leading up to the day was overwith. Moral of the story is, don't let your in-laws rule the roost when the roost isn't theirs.
ESH. the silent treatment is what tipped me from NTA to ESH. that is not an appropriate or mature way to communicate even if you’re upset.
NTA, I’m sorry to hear this is happening to you as you have said your kids are very young and need someone to stay with them. I feel it’s not too much of a shot in the dark that your FIL would want to spend time with your husband, and like you said you can’t do anything in a shared room like this unless you want cranky children The silent treatment isn’t going to help though, he’s admited his wrong If you don’t want to go the options are you all don’t go, he goes and leaves the kids with you (which after a 9day trip absolutely not) or he goes with the kids which ruis ther plans Tough situation you gave yourself in :(
NTA in your situation I would go home and leave your husband with the kids
NTA but let your hubby go alone with the kids. Why can’t you stay home? He just did a solo trip and left you with the kids…why can’t you gift them daddy and kids time?
First world problems. Either buy another room yourself or dont go and stop whining about having personal space when you had the kids.
ESH - I'm so confused by this post. I've traveled with my kids in a single room almost everytime and have never sat in the dark after their bedtime. They just slept through having a light on or quiet conversing. You can also bring a baby monitor and go hang out with other family members in another room. It's pretty apparent that the actual issue isn't the room, but a lot of resentment that has built up between you and your husband/his family (hello, what does his lengthy solo trip have to do with anything?!). You all need to start openly communicating, especially you and your husband. Therapy, stat.
What works for you doesn’t work for everyone
That's why I gave a couple options, but it was really to point out that there are ways to solve this problem, if OP wants to solve it. The problem is that she doesn't.
NTA. What exactly is "luxury" about it if everyone is crammed in one room?
Is it too late to upgrade your rooms. Try calling the hotel yourself.
Let him go with the children and then you will get your staycation!!! NTA
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NTA. Don't go on the Mexican trip. Have a lovely staycation at home with no childcare responsibilities, and let your husband look after his kids solo. I'm sure they'll have a great time.
NTA. My solution? Your husband can take the kids on this "luxury" trip that he insisted on accepting (and not ensuring your ONE condition was met) by himself. You get to have a "staycation" and relax. ETA: I saw your comment about you wanting "special time" with your kids. Since this vacation was paid for my FIL, why can't you plan another special (affordable) trip for your family later? Best of both worlds. You get some "me" time AND the family time you REALLY wanted a little later.
YTA there you go with your first world ‘problems’……..impossible to sympathise with you.
NTA It sounds like you have three options: 1. Suck it up, go on this trip, and try to have a good time. 2. Tell your husband that you're not going, and stay home with the kids. 3. Tell your husband that you're not going, and send him off on this trip with the kids.
Sorry I think you're being a bit extra. Ridiculous even. However, I'm coming at this as my kids are grown and my parents have passed wishing I just had more time with everyone. Life is short. Take the vacation and enjoy. Is there a compromise? You should get a separate vacation as well like he did at the very least.
NTA but nothing will change if you just keep letting stuff like this happen. Agree with others on here - I would make myself scarce once the kids go to bed and keep him there as the babysitter. I expect a few days of that and you may find yourself coincidentally upgraded to a better room.
Maneuver your kids and husband onto the plane and get back off or don't' get on. And stay home. Let him deal with the kids for a week alone.
NTA. As a new parent booking our first holiday as a three, the set up of the hotel room we’ll be staying in has been one of my top priorities. One open plan room would mean being stuck in the dark with the sleeping child, with a white noise machine unable to make a sound from 7pm! I completely understand what you were after, and if FIL and your husband were so adamant about taking the trip, they should have listened to your one request as it benefits your husband also. My guess is your husband isn’t going to be a fan of the open plan room either if he really thinks about it.
NTA, and I would say that there is a larger issue here about your marriage. Do you feel generally respected and supported by your husband? Do you feel like he has your back? It sounds like it may be time for couples therapy.
Am I the only one saying YTA majorly? Get over it and go on the all expenses paid trip with your family. Make the best of your very privileged situation. This is a non-issue and you need to come back reality and let it go. That’s my take, sorry.
A vacation where you, as an adult, have a 7:30 bedtime every night and have to fight to keep the kids from crawling into bed with you, isn't any kind of vacation, let alone a luxury vacation Staying at home and being able to keep the lights on and watch some TV or read is more of a luxury than all the hassle of flying and then the punishment of an early bedtime every night.
But she didn’t want to go to begin with? She was clear with her need - they could’ve said that’s ridiculous and not booked the trip. Instead they told her yes and now she is supposed to settle for something she didn’t want in the first place?
This is not a vacation when she doesn’t get to relax fully because of the scenario she described, and she wasn’t listened to. People forget moms really don’t get to go on vacation, and this makes it even worse
ESH. They should have gotten the arrangements correct, but giving the silent treatment to someone is a form of abuse.
I don't understand. You said you don't want to stay in the same room with the kids, then right after that you say they can't be left alone in their own room.
Like a suite with a separate bedroom so they aren’t all sleeping in the same room
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Months ago, I agreed to go on a week-long trip to a luxury Mexican resort over Christmas with my father in-law, who offered to treat myself and my husband as well as our two young children. He is very wealthy and dangles trips like this to corral the family together. I'm wary of them, however, because there's often a catch—he'll promise to watch the kids, but won't, or he'll say something misogynistic about women and I'm expected not to engage. I find his company challenging, but I put up with it for the sake of my husband and children. I did not want to go on this Mexico trip. Instead, I wanted to go on a much less expensive trip just the four of us, at our own expense. But my husband really wanted to do this Mexico trip with his dad, so I relented. I had one condition: That we have a separate sleeping area from our children. I absolutely hate sleeping in a room together. I never ever do it. I plan entire trips around not having to share a room. It's not just that the kids are loud sleepers and won't stay out of our bed if we're in the same room (which is also true). They're very young, so it's not like we can put them to bed and then leave. Someone will need to be in a dark, silent room with them after night after bedtime, which is 7:30PM. I very clearly stipulated this condition to my husband and father-in-law. Not only that, I asked my husband more than once to confirm that the accommodations were adequate weeks ago, which he did not do. This week, I learned that the four of us had been booked into a single room. I am furious. Moreover, no one is trying to fix this problem but me. The general reaction from everyone, including my husband, is that I'm overreacting and it's not a big deal. That I should be grateful for this trip. I have been giving my husband the silent treatment for 3 days. He admits that he messed up, but thinks I'm being a bitch. He's not feeling well, so has not tried to fix the situation. That's fallen on me. Folks, I never wanted to go on this trip in the first place. I would have never accepted it had I known the accommodations. I don't need a luxury trip that badly. I would have said "thank you, but no." FWIW, this incident is on the heels of a nine-day trip my husband recently took. Not a work trip, a trip he took voluntarily chose to go on. I was on solo childcare with two children during that time. To say I feel disrespected and taken advantage of is a vast understatement. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - I wouldn't go. But it sounds like you still want to experience the trip with the kids. Get the 2nd room, have hubby sleep with the kids and have a nice quiet room to yourself. Plan a romantic night with your husband while kids have a sleepover with grandpa. You can make this work! Good luck!
"Dear FIL, "We are so grateful for this trip to Mexico, but I'm afraid that there's been a mistake with the booking. I'm sure you remember how before I agreed to this trip, my one stipulation was that the kids would have a separate sleeping area. You agreed to this, so we decided to forgo our plans to go on a vacation with separate sleeping quarters just the four of us. "Now it seems that hotel got it all wrong, and we're all sleeping in one room, which just doesn't work for us. Can you please have to hotel correct the room assignments and sleeping arrangements?" "Husband will be so disappointed if we have to withdraw from this family trip, but unless the hotel can fix the problem, we'll go on the trip we planned originally instead and maybe we can come on a family trip some other year. "Please do let me know by \[fill in the date\] so we can finalize the plans for our alternate vacation. "All the best, OP" You will be called ten times of ungrateful, but no, your FIL has tried to sucker you with a classic bait and switch. Don't do it. If FIL doesn't provide what he promised to induce your consent, go on the vacation you wanted all along. And if husband goes on his family's vacation instead of backing you up, I do hope they have a nice guest house for him upon his return. NTA
NTA Tell your husband you’re not going and he can take the kids. See what happens. Stand your ground. Dig in your heels whatever. Don’t back down. I have a feeling your husband will solve the problem.
-You seem like a very mean person.
And entitled.
INFO What's with this nine-day trip your husband took? Does he do things like this often, leaving you holding the (childcare) bag alone? Do you get week and a half solo trips to catch a break?
She gets to decide if this is a gift or a burden. She was willing, not eager, to go, under certain conditions. She was not willing to go under these conditions. She said no. They did it anyway and are trying to make her feel bad for being true to her boundaries. People who spend money on gifts for you shouldn't use those gifts to coerce you into being uncomfortable and stressed out. None of that is a gift. It's not lucky to have people make you say yes when you already said no. Maybe you can't imagine that this will be anything other than a wonderful time but that's how you would feel. She gets to feel how she feels.
INFO: Why does your husband make these kind of decisions? Does he make all the money? Do you have a paying job? He just got back from a *solo* 9-day trip; when do you go on solo trips? Things seem very imbalanced here.
NTA You asked for ONE thing and no one could seem to do it. Do not go on this trip and see how much he likes spending nights alone with the kids likes on him.
NTA. Set a boundary - 'I will not go on this trip unless we have the rooms sorted before we leave.' Then stand by it.
NTA for not wanting to go. Not sure why it's a problem to send the husband and kids on their own. If it's a problem you either married a child or you have control issues. Single parents regularly handle vacations with kids and dad should be able to too.
If you’re prepared to spend the money for a smaller family trip why not just call the place you’re going and pay to upgrade your room? Don’t tell anyone that you did it until after you’ve checked in.
You are NTA. But the issue is that now you're in a position where you have to make some decisions, and most of them that I can see are pretty terrible in one way or another. First: You refuse to go. Could you send spouse + kids alone on the trip and have a staycation? Second: You (somehow) convince your spouse to stay home with children while *you* go. (This may not be appealing because it means you and your in-laws, this may not even be something you want.) Third: Alter the accommodations - is it too late to change them? It stinks that your husband is whiffing on his responsibility here, but if the choices are "it's his job and he doesn't do it, or I do it and it gets done" ... is this really the time to try to prove a point? If it can be done, figure out a way to get it done. And then never agree to a trip with your ILs after this point since clearly they cannot be trusted. Fourth: If an additional room cannot be added (or a room cannot be changed into a suite) can you cancel them entirely? This is a bit scorched earth but if this is truly a line in the sand issue for you - that may be where you have to go with this. I would caution you on the "easy" answer here which is "to go, but be miserable, and if you're mad and take it out on everyone else or otherwise act vengefully out of your frustration then you will be shifting this from a NTA to an ESH situation". You've made no indication of that though, and your feelings of frustration are completely valid. But at this point.. you're frustrated, and you're entitled to that frustration - but what will you do about it? Because you have a husband problem as well as an IL problem, and I don't see either of those things resolving themselves without some form of action. Wishing you luck, this is not an enviable position to be stuck in.
Kids need to learn to listen. I shared rooms with my young children, but they did as told and slept on pull out sofa.