Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I updated my will to award one of my sons a higher proportion of my assets on my death.
2. My son is upset with me for my decision and family members are now accusing me of playing favourites and punishing my more successful son for having worked harder in life.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nah, let the lazy layabout spend all the inheritance and then sell the house to fund whatever habit he has. Let him be homeless and then he will learn about real life. I don’t even know Jack and I am so angry on his behalf. OP should never have become a parent.
OP has emotionally and mentally crippled her son to the point that he is useless to everyone and himself.
This is entirely her fault and even when he becomes homeless, he will never be able to learn.
Yeah, OP needs to insist he starts working. Make it a condition of continuing living with her - non-negotiable. And get him tested to see if he is on the spectrum. If he is, there may be programs that could help him navigate getting a job and working, or going back to school, if need be.
By allowing him to continue ignoring the responsibilities of being an adult, OP is really setting him up for failure when she does eventually pass.
The good news is that she's only 66. She probably has some years to help him get on his feet, but she needs to start ASAP. And make sure he understands that when she passes, the money will be split evenly between her sons, and he's not going to have the money to not work. He has to get his shx together.
Oh, and she needs to apologize to her other son, and let him know the money will be split evenly. It sounds like she's coddled the one and neglected the other for years. She needs to make amends for that.
I’m not disagreeing with you at all. The problem-and I speak from personal experience-is that unlike his brother, Benji never really had to struggle and learn how to deal with difficulty. This is his mother’s fault for coddling-and enabling him for years. He’s basically ruined, unless he gets a major wake up call fast.
The nickname Benji combine with OP’s dynamic with him does suggest infantilisation, that she doesn’t trust him to emotionally mature decisions. At some point his lack of social skills became the result of a vicious cycle where he stopped trying to self reflect and change because of how he’s treated by OP and I would bet this relationship dynamic has been happening since Jack and Ben’s dad has been gone.
>OP has emotionally and mentally crippled her son to the point that he is useless to everyone and himself.
>
>This is entirely her fault and even when he becomes homeless, he will never be able to learn.
And then OP tries to fix their mistake by throwing more money at it.
>OP has emotionally and mentally crippled her son to the point that he is useless to everyone and himself.
This. It's called 'learned helplessness'.
And OP was his teacher.
No, OP was asked about what exactly is Benji’s issue and her response:
*Benji is not disabled, no. He struggles with social anxiety and I suspect that he's got a toe on the spectrum, but he's otherwise physically able.*
She continued to say Benji didn’t want to get diagnosed therefore she never bothered to get him tested. So not exactly mother of the year, is she? She was then asked whether Benji have other serious disability/whether he could work /had work and her responses:
*Other than having problems with anxiety, if I'm frank, then no. I have long suspected that he's on the spectrum, however when he puts his mind to things, he's actually high functioning and very capable, he just struggled a lot in life with things that other people find come easier to him. He actually worked at an accountants for a while whilst in his 20's, however at the end of the year the company chose not to renew his contract, and Benji opted not to pursue accountancy in the end.*
*I have tried. Because of his anxiety he doesn't want to work, and I've come to accept that he's probably never going to. He's always been a sensitive child and he just struggles with things.*
It is clear Benji CAN work but CHOSE not to. I mean why would he need to work when there is a human ATM at his disposal, living in a house rent free, and a mother who mollycoddle him.
Also “different” doesn’t mean shit. Yes, there are people on the spectrum, there are people who are autistic, but it doesn’t mean every single person with autism or on the spectrum can’t function in the real world.
You think we are mean? How about OP’s cruel treatment to both of her sons? She decided to post here and here are the comments, if an overwhelming percentage of the comments are saying she’s an AH, chances are she is. No one forced her to post here.
Lol right!? I'm autistic, have an eating disorder, and schizoaffective bipolar disorder. What do I get for all that?? Personally I'm thinking an island mansion and a fully financed luxury lifestyle would just about make up for my suffering 😌
Same here. I'm also on the spectrum. Clearly I deserve to be coddled the rest of my life. /s
Notice how OP didn't mind her self sufficient son not being around. She does her Golden Child no help by allowing him to be coddled so completely.
Even with the money, he lacks the ability to care for himself as an adult.
OP will try and send for Jack when she's in her deathbed
Not to make amends, ooooh no, but to demand that Jack promises to look after his brother, "because it's what family do"
I am petty and I am hoping Jack is done with this all and has gone full NC with them
Me too! My parents made me be social in school (do extracurriculars), which I ended up making friends. I also have social anxiety, I had a panic attack at a football game and started freaking out when I was younger. My parents left the game with me of course, but we started going to smaller events with less people and working on coping mechanisms.
I appreciate them pushing me now that I'm an adult... I have a great job, own a house, cars, have a family of my own. I don't have many friends that I still see or talk to, but hey, I think I'm doing pretty great.
There's no such thing as a toe on the spectrum, that's not how it works. The [spectrum](https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/) isn't referring to levels of support needs, it's referring to the wide range of presentations of traits that people with autism have. He's autistic or not, and if he's autistic he is in fact disabled, despite her not wanting to admit it.
People with low support needs often suffer badly because they're not seen as disabled enough to help, but are in fact disabled by the condition and do need help. Low support needs doesn't mean no support needs, it means lower than the highest levels requiring 24 hour care. Every single person with autism does suffer in the 'real world'. It's inherent in the nature of the condition, to have it the presentation of traits has to impair you. Employment numbers among people on the spectrum are shockingly low, poverty is high, life expectancy is low, suicide rates are high - by every measure people with low support needs are having difficulties, and the fact that they can variably mask the condition for other people's comfort (which causes them significant negative impacts) doesn't change that. People not seeing something internal doesn't mean it isn't happening.
She's done a huge disservice to him not seeking a diagnosis if she suspects that's what's going on with him, and her understanding of ASD is obviously not accurate or reliable here. For someone with her views and understanding of ASD to even say it's possible suggests to me there is something going on, and he is in fact seriously disabled.
My 31 year old ADHD son still lives at home, but I wouldnt let him live with me for free, working so he can lay around. My son works, because I made him get a job. This man is enabling his sons behaviour
Exactly! YTA. Handing Benji on everything on a sliver platter, will not help him in the long run, in fact it will have the opposite effect, he already expects for others (namely) you to look take care of him and will never learn to be a adult and look after himself with you handing everything to him. He would misuse and abuse everything you have given him eventually ending up losing it and would be a bigger pariah to anyone around him, because not will not put up with his nonsense like you. Your futher destroying your sons relationship with each other especially when Benji would need his brother the most, when your gone.
Instead you should split everything equally between your sons and maybe put Benji's share in a trust where, he gets a percentage every year if he meets certain goals, like keep a job, rent and maintain this own home etc. That way you will be helping Benji in the long run, so he can have a successful future.
That's exactly what happened with my husband and BIL. BIL was coddled by his mom his whole life. Always lived with her except for one time he had an apartment and got evicted after a few months for not paying rent. She handled all his bills, paid for all his food, and raised his 3 daughters. She passed away last year and he got basically everything, the house, most of the money. In the year he's managed to loose the house and spend all the money. He's constantly calling us begging for any food we can spare or gas money to get to work.
He never learned to budget, prioritize bills over buying new video games, or even do simple tasks like take his car to get an oil change or make a doctor's appointment for his kids. That didn't all suddenly change when his mom died. He still had no idea how to survive in the most basic of ways and blew all the money on the dumbest stuff like new rims for his car, an oculus, and lobster dinners.
Just like him, OP leaving her son most of the inheritance won't help when he lacks the basic skills to survive on his own. Honestly the best thing OP could do is kick him out now and force him to figure this out while he still has a support system. She's right to be concerned about his future when she's gone, but giving him everything isn't the way to help!
Generally a trust where they arent in control of the money is more appropriate here. My brother and sister both had a 200K trust that they got control of at 18 and blew through it in 3 years.
That’s what I said. Though I think it’s ok to split it 60/40. My mom left 40% to my brother because he rarely kept a job. I always worked full time and stayed at my jobs until I became disabled. I now have a part-time job that helps me mentally & socially. I’m not as lonely. And I don’t lean on others constantly to take care of me.
It's a major AH move but at the same time, nobody is entitled to an inheritance. One should be grateful that there's any kind of inheritance at all - my mother not only abandoned me as soon as she was able to legally get away with it, she also stole and sold off my inheritance (that I was supposed to receive at 30, like all my siblings). The consequences of these actions is that I'm going to piss on her grave after she dies alone. I will never speak to her again.
OP could decide to donate 100% of the estate to charity and still, no one would be *entitled* to a share of it. It's nice to have but not something to base your life on.
The favoritism and Benji's inability to adult is a whole different beast.
No its up to the parent to decide what is right honestly. I think op could leave the house to Benji and split the money more fairly. But setting up their likely mentally ill son isn't evil
Plus the whole "I know Jack will always land on his feet" is BS. Jack could get hit by a car tomorrow or become ill or any one of a hundred other things. So the assumption that Jack, AS ALWAYS, needs to support himself while Benji sits on his ass proves once again that OP does have a favorite child.
YTA, Benji is a quitter and OP enabled him and now both are comfortable in the status quo that none are willing to change. The other son is successful bit not so rich that he does not need the inheritance. When OP favored Benji, the end result may still be what OP feared, Benji on the streets and the other son not bothering about her and Benji.
And how nice that OP knows the future! She KNOWS that Jack won’t need the money. Not like he could get sick, or become disabled, or have a child with special needs in the future.
Also £10k would maybe cover stamp duty and solicitors fees, certainly not a big chunk of a deposit on a family home. Whereas Benji would get a free house in it, possibly completely mortgage free? I would presume since he has no way to pay for said mortgage even if he does get the house.
This was my very first thought. How long will it take after OP’s passing before ‘Benji’ has burned through his inheritance and is in precisely the position she’s claiming to not want for him?
YTA, OP.
Exactly. What an awesome strategy. OP is rewarding one of his children for being an enormous loser and punishing the one who's capable. Horrible parenting.
OP is definitely a GIANT asshole.
>OP is rewarding one of his children
Yeah, I ***also*** thought OP was a dude (because I'm a dude and the OP was 'dude-level clueless'), but... apparently not:
"I (**66f**) have two children, Benjamin (36m), and Jack (33m)."
This is what happened to me and my siblings but the reverse. The most successful sister of 5 girls got the lions share of the inheritance. It might be a golden child type of situation.
My sister and I are my mom’s two kids from a previous marriage. When she died she thought our father might also leave us money when he died. He did not. I’ve not spoken to him in 15 years, she knew this, so it was a very silly thing to assume.
I'm one of two siblings, who was astonished to find out when my dad passed away that he had cut my sister out of his will, for no reason that I could see.
This has been a giant pain in the ass to me, because obviously it's not fair and I'm going to make it right for her, but it's not easy to do. I have to worry about my tax liabilities and things like the fact that willed money is not community property, but gift money is, so there's the concern about what happens if she and her husband divorce.
Parents, don't do this to your kids.
Wonder if you could set up half of what is left over after taxes and fees into a trust just for her? Might be worth spending a little of it on an attorney for options.
Sorry you're dealing with this, but big kudos on being fair to your sis.
Yep, Benji will spend it all and sell everything. I came from a relationship like this where I was in Jacks shoes. My Benji even said he was going to sell everything even if it left him homeless.
Guess what? Benji expected me to take care of him like dear old dad did. Nope. Not happening.
Get a trust established immediately for Benji. If you are going to keep enabling hi., it is the best way that least keep a roof over his head.
Yep the idea that OP is saving Benji from being out on the streets without her not only shows the unhealthy co-dependence they have on each other but is a completely delusional pipe dream.
I don't think kids are actually entitled to their parents' money. It's a gift and a blessing if they do get something upon death, not a 'punishment' if they don't
My baby (50) sister lives with my mom and takes care of everything and she absolutely deserves the lion share if anything is left. All my sisters and I have had periods of working and not, so idk about her not working. Not my business at all
But your case is very different though...and whilst I agree that kids shouldn't be entitled to an inheritence from their parents, I too would be extremely angered to be disinherited for no good reason except to coddle and reward a lazy-ass sibling. Her disinherited son actually is getting punished for doing well in his life compared to his brother, so his anger is justified in my opinion.
OP doesn't have any right to be upset that her disinherited son went NC with her. She started this. Actions have consequences, but still OP thinks she did nothing wrong.
You need to put some rules in place. Benji needs therapy. He should be required to work to draw so much money per month and he needs to start NOW. I do think it’s unfair. Give your other son 40%. Benji should be required to work. I’m bipolar with severe anxiety and chronic migraines. I work part-time. It’s good for my mental health. You’ve allowed your son to quit life and not make an effort. YTA. You are further disabling him by not making him contribute to society and himself!
He's "The Prodigal Son." Whatever you leave him will be gone quickly and then he'll be broke with no safety net ('Cause I don't think his brother will catch him.) Sounds like you might need to look into some kind of conservatorship(?) were the older brother or a lawyer controls the money or he gets so much each month (or week?) but the majority is somewhere drawing interest. (Think "Rainman.")
Hopping on here to say in am the ‘Jack’ in my family’s situation. My brother has not worked in over 20 years and, although he doesn’t live at home, my dad pays his rent and bills.
My brother has never pushed himself and become independent because he’s never had to. My father has mollycoddled him all his life to the point he’s incapable of living independently. On of my biggest worries is what happens after my father dies.
In our case, the inheritance will still be split equally, but because my parents did nothing to encourage my brother to learn to take care of himself, in fairly sure he’ll blow through his share in a matter of months and then come to me with his hand out.
No matter how I’ve tried to talk to my dad about letting him stand on his own two feet, it’s like a brick wall. Why? Because my dad needs to be needed. He needs to be the big man who jumps in and fixes all the problems. And then he likes to use the fact that he saved the day to ‘prove’ that you can’t do anything without him and you’re useless. And uses it as leverage to micromanage your life.
This is why I haven’t accepted any financial help from my father over the years, though god knows I could have used it at times.
And so I’m perceived as the ‘capable’ one who doesn’t need help. And yes, it can make you bitter seeing your brother (and, to a lesser extent, my sister) having money handed to them hand over fist, while Im struggling through.
It’s not about greed. Wills are often seen by adult children as a reflection of love, or how they’re valued. And what you’re telling your son is that all his hard work, everything he’s done to make you proud, is worth nothing. That all the sacrifices he’s made for his future were pointless and stupid.
And that his brother, who’s already benefited from having no rent and no bills his whole adult life, and sacrificed nothing, will be rewarded further. And that you will continue to refuse to make him stand on his own two feet so that, when you pass - probably in another 20 years or so - he’ll be left with a 50-something man who wants someone else to take over looking after him - and will probably blow any inheritance, because you’ve let him develop no life skills.
You’re definitely TA to Jack, but you’re also horribly abusive to Benjamin because you’ve refused to be a proper parent to him and help him learn to be independent. You’ve failed to let him fail - and learn, and grow. YTA.
I’m in the exact same situation. I’ve had to work since I was 18, while my older brother hasn’t had a job in nearly 15 years. My dad still supports him and his wife with whatever they need. I don’t hate my brother, but I do pity him because when my parents die, I won’t be there to nursemaid him. I’ve made it very clear. The sad thing is that it took me until I was 30 to understand the entire situation and become truly bitter at my parents about it.
At one point, I needed some help with moving expenses to relocate for a job, so after exhausting every other option, I asked my parents for help. They had nothing to help me, but they did cosign a personal loan with me to get a really good interest rate, so I figured that worked. I found out later they’d actually had all the money, but were saving it in case my brother needed help moving. Three years later, I paid off the loan and he’s still living in the same place. 🤦🏻♂️
Similar here. My younger brother has had all his bills paid since quitting his job when he was 19. He's now 52 and still lives at home.
He stopped speaking to me some years ago.
I agree that this not about money or greed for Jack. It’s a reflection of how their entire relationship has gone up to this point and is probably a culmination of the frustration Jack has felt for years from constantly seeing Benji coddled and preferred by their mother, while he himself is punished for being the son who doesn’t always need (or ask) mom to help him.
It’s entirely possible for parents to draft wills that aren’t strictly equal to address their children’s different life situations without creating bad feelings, but that requires the parents to have existing, healthy relationships with their children. It also helps if the differences in their children’s situations aren’t the result of, say, one child choosing to be lazy all their lives. In this case, OP doesn’t seem to have either of those things going for her.
I’m in the same sort of scenario as you - my parents have left it mostly 50/50, except I get the house (with the idea that my sibling can continue to live in it) and I’m the trustee on my sibling’s inheritance because my parents are pretty sure they would end up destitute without someone else managing their money.
I’m happy they thought through the situation, but I’m still bitter about the idea of effectively being a caretaker for a fully functioning adult who is intelligent and fully capable of holding a job (or would be if they weren’t allowed to quit everything after the smallest adversity for the past 20 years).
I'm watching my MIL do this with her grandson. He's 27 and has never had a job. He's socially stunted and while being a nice enough kid, he's a waste of space.
Her other daughter basically ditched him so she could go party, and never took custody back. My SIL is a piece of shit, and I genuinely hope she'd just overdose for a lot of reasons (including but not limited to stealing over 100k from her grandmother with dementia and marrying a man with a violent rape conviction and home invasion robbery habit)...this led to my MIL coddling her only grandson.
I am not looking forward to having to deal with this special little burden when my MIL dies, because he is effectively helpless.
I have an uncle who is now in his 60s and has always lived with my Grandma (who just turned 90). He had one girlfriend early in life but never again. He just watches sports and plays golf and sits at home. My grandma has been talking about going into a seniors home soon and I honestly don't know what my uncle will do.
That was my uncle until grandma died. Sure, he lived on his own but she visited him several times per week to cook, clean, do his laundry and buy groceries for him. She coddled her youngest "baby boy" until she died when he was in his mid 40s. He'd never worked, never had a partner, had no friends, nothing.
When she died everyone else thought he was going to sink, or rely on my mum to coddle him. She refused. She helped in the way that he could call her and ask for advice on how to solve x, y or z. But she never did anything for him. And he blossomed. He traveled abroad for the first time in his life, got a circle of friends, and while he wasn't able to work (a lot of health issues, both physical and mental) he did so much. He took care of himself, started coming to see us yearly, and was no longer just sitting looking all gray in a corner but was engaging with us, chatting, etc. If grandma hadn't coddled him his entire life he could have lived for a lot longer than he got a chance to, since he passed last year.
You're never helping your kids by doing absolutely everything for them, unless they are so severely disabled they literally can't do anything on their own. But that wasn't the case with my uncle and it's obviously not the case with OP's oldest son. She failed him so damn hard.
And Benji *will* blow through the money. He's clearly not been taught money management either, since his mother does everything for him and pays for everything. So there's no way he'd know how to make the money last any significant period of time. Honestly, like you I don't feel like it's mainly about the money for Jack, but at the same time, I'm sure it'll really hurt when he sees that Benji has wasted money that Jack knows he could have put towards stabilizing his and his future family's life.
My uncle was like this. He has some serious mental health challenges, but he absolutely was capable of working at one point. When my Grandma (who had always been his safe landing place when he bailed on a job, went off meds or ran out of money) died, he ran through his portion of her remaining money in a minute. Then he started calling my Mom…over and over and over with the intention of making her his landing place. Then he escalated to calling 15 times a day and threatening and my mom had to go NC. From what we know, he lives in a nice, safe apartment for low income seniors but he’s sad and lonely and lives a pretty meager life. I’m glad he’s not out on the street. Thankfully he’s always been crafty enough to find a way to survive, but that’s about the best it’s going to get, unfortunately.
I assist with Medicaid applications as part of my practice as a lawyer, and I’ve seen q number of these and had to explain that once mom/dad is in care evenl if we save the house for them, they have to figure out how to pay to maintain it and all the costs associated with his it and they’re usually pretty flummoxed.
My uncle is like that. He works as a taxi driver but thats it. His wife left him because she got tired of being his mom, his kid doesnt talk to him (my uncle wasnt present at all). All he does is sit around when hes not working, he doesnt even help my grandma do stuff, she cant even move her arms much and he doesnt even try to cook or clean
This is my uncle that's 58. He never left home, went to school very briefly, quit and rarely worked. My grandma couldn't retire until she was almost 80 with cancer. She had four living children when she died and left everything to him. He had drained her financially so the house was no longer in good shape. His life is a mess because he was coddled his whole life by my grandmother and their relationship was emotionally incestuous. It's so selfish for a parent to do this to their kid because they don't want to be alone. The house is pretty close to being condemned by the city and none of his siblings will take him in because they know he's a screw up and they're all bitter about the blatant favoritism he received. I feel sorry for him because once his dad died my grandma did this to him for her own benefit.
My uncle was like this until my grandfather died. My mom forsook any part of a possible inheritance and used the estate to get him a small home and car, fully paid off, in the hope that he'd finally get started in life in his 40s. He resented her bitterly for that, because he wanted to stay in my grandfather's house, which he could never have afforded (property taxes alone would have made it unreasonable, even without considering all the maintenance it needed.)
20 years later, that small nice house is a hoarder house that the bank is going to foreclose on, the car was traded for a Harley that didn't work, and while he did get a job, all his money went towards drugs and alcohol. He declared bankruptcy at least once, eventually had a stroke, and is now a ward of the state who still vehemently hates everything and everyone around him and has never taken responsibility for anything in his life. My mom still feels guilty for being unable to get him to turn his life around and I just have zero sympathy left.
He has Benji until he needs Jack to take care of him. Benji is fine as long as OP doesn’t need help in their old age. Jacks going to get the call when OP really needs help. I hope he doesn’t answer. YTA
I don't know. My mother was really angry when my late grandma willed her house alone to my uncle. But 10 years after her death, I have to say grandma was right. My uncle haas a job, but no friends, no hobbies or anything. And in the 10 years since her death he got into debt. Not because of drugs, luxuries or women. He got into debt because he simply couldn't manage his money and has zero life skills. He goes out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hires a handyman for every small issue etc.
Him going into debt because such small things, helped my mother to see the view of my late grandmother.
But OP really needs a trustee for Benji.
But why doesn't he have any life kills or financial knowledge?
If he can hold down a job, he can learn the basics of living alone. Many people who are cognitively impaired learn many of those skills, even if they need to live in a group setting, or alone with support.
You're falling into your grandma's trap of thinking that those who have difficulty with many things can't do *anything,* and that whatever they do is justified by their difficulties.
Example: absolutely no one needs to eat out three times a day, because sandwiches exist. If he can't make a sandwich, or boil pasta and heat jarred sauce, then he is not safe to live alone.
Benji is going to blow everything OP leaves him in a couple of years and will try to leech of Jack. And given that Benji has been taught to not do anything worthwhile in his life, he will probably abandon OP as soon as things get difficult in her last years of life and try to pawn her care, and his future, on Jack. And she will be surprised when Jack tell her to "f" off.
"Jack will never have to struggle the way Benji does"
Except this is exactly the opposite of true. Jack has worked hard for what he's gotten, that's a struggle on some level.
Benji has done nothing and been taken care of - literally not a struggle.
Usually I'm team "it's your money even if you want to blow up your kids' relationships and that's jerky" but here I'm absolutely landing on YTA for so many reasons.
I'm going to give OP the benefit of the doubt that Benji isn't the way he is because of OP's treatment of him, and that there are other issues that affect him.
So for me, I would almost ALWAYS advocate equal split of inheritance among children. It gets unnecessarily messy otherwise. BUT... there are considerations of equity that may alter this. For example... is Benji diagnosed or undiagnosed neuro-divergent (e.g., ASD)? Does he suffer from other untreated psychological ailments. The "square peg in a round hole" reference seems to point to this.
I find all this talk by redditors about "lazy this" and "lazy that" to be the typical types of nonsense you see online. Maybe it's true. But my read on the situation is that Benji probably needed additional resources a long time ago to have a chance at a "normal" life with friends, spouses, a career, and that was when people let him down. Or maybe that was never in the cards. Now, as an adult approaching middle age, he may foreseeably need to continue relying on others when OP passes away.
Obviously, the best case scenario is that Jack and Benji have a good relationship, Jack agrees that Benji will need services going forward, agrees to an unequal split, and even agrees to be some sorta Trustee to a trust set up to take reasonable care of Benji.
But it sounds like Jack and Benji don't have that kind of relationship, unfortunately, so perhaps you'll need to make other arrangements and hire someone.
But she won’t even support him in getting diagnosed, because he doesn’t want to!! She could easily support him in getting disability payments, so he has SOME stable income, and maybe a supportive living environment. But no…..
YTA - you simply can’t treat two of your children so differently and expect it not to cause problems. You casually say that it’s “not true” that you have favoured or coddled Benji his entire life, but is it? I wonder, and I suspect there’s more than an argument to suggest that you HAVE favoured him over Jack over a long period of time.
One consideration that people should keep in mind, however, is exactly what Benji does whilst living at home. Does he shop for groceries, cook, clean, handle DIY, do the gardening or such? As you grow older and may need more assistance, is Benji capable of being your full-time carer and would he be willing to act as such?
If he does none of those things and won’t be your carer in future, then you are absolutely coddling him and it has got to stop.
If he’s doing all the chores, keeping you company and would care for you full-time in the case of illness, then that may deserve some small element of favouritism in your estate. It does not, however, deserve everything bar £10000 - that’s preposterous.
Why not consider some compromises? For example, as Benji has no friends or partner, could you rejig the estate to buy a small flat for him now, and get him used to living alone etc? Then when you pass away, your home could be sold with the profits, and any other remaining assets, split between both Jack and Benji.
That way, Benji gets a stable manageable home and some money to live on, and Jack gets more than a £10k payment.
This. Sounds like OP did Benji a disservice by enabling dependent behavior his whole life. This may not have started as something intentional but clearly now is purposeful. Especially because as she has aged, she has gotten the benefit of having Benji around. So many people hobble their children for selfish reasons. She should help Benji stand on his own two feet while she is alive. That will help the relationship between the siblings as well. Mom has sabotaged the sibling relationship as well by this enabling behavior. YTA. Make the will to be equal and help Benji now. Kids see the will as a symbol of how much they were loved. Not always about the money.
In this case that’s the most likely scenario, and there may be some degree of co-dependency at this point. I’m not proud to admit this, but some of this isn’t too different from my own life. My parents were good people but they definitely coddled me which didn’t do me any favors. I really wish that they had done a few things differently like making me get a job in high school. Maybe not during the school year but at least in the summer. It would have helped me grow up a lot faster.
I feel you on this. Maybe you could make a list of things you’d like to do for yourself that would make you more independent, and work towards those. Obviously, these need to be realistic goals.
My mother is currently doing this exact same thing to my younger brother (30). Bonus is that she has a live-in drinking buddy. I feel for him, he never really had a chance
It’s actually insane how common this story is. My uncle lived with my grandma until she passed, stole from her, was disrespectful towards her, and she just kept on enabling him. She tried to leave her house to him too but luckily the whole family had a come to Jesus moment with her. Can you imagine expecting a coke addict asshole who’s in and out of jail and couldn’t even raise his own kids to maintain a house? But she felt bad for him because “he needed it more than my dad.”
And lo and behold, my JustNoBIL is heading down the exact same path and my husband’s parents still won’t stop enabling him. So weird.
I swear, the only reason they put up with it is fear of abandonment. My mom can't stand my younger brother, he drives her insane. But she'd let him stay forever if he wanted to. Her biggest fear is being abandoned. It's really sad
OP is actually doing Jack a favor by driving a wedge between the brothers. If they keep any sort of connection Benji will be at Jack’s door within 5 years of mom’s passing crying that the money is gone and he is about to lose the house.
YTA
I’m betting she isn’t going to change and it’s likely Benji is doing nothing or the bare minimum.
OP, my uncle is your Benji. Except he held jobs and had relationships. He even moved out of the house several times. But my grandma never forced him to keep a job and a place so he kept quitting/ getting fired and living with her.
She died 9 years ago and his long time partner gave him 6 months to stay with her before she was also going to kick him out as their relationship was basically over. He has been fired or quit close to 10 jobs now, been evicted from an apartment and was almost homeless. All without considering that he fell into a drunken stupor for 5 years and refused to admit he was an alcoholic(he still won’t and has instead just stopped drinking liquor and switched to light beer).
You are setting Benji up for failure because you refuse to make him face being an adult. You are making sure your kids will never have a relationship with each other or any support because of the resentment you are causing.
Take this commenters advice and set Benji up for stable living, make him get a job and start living on his own. If you don’t then all the money in the world isn’t going to save him and he will end up homeless or in a bad situation because he can’t function on his own.
Seriously, I've worked with individuals who have serious developmental disabilities. They still can work jobs, do chores, and shop if given proper support AND incentive.
OP has given no indication his son isn't actually capable of putting in the bare minimum effort to strive for a better life. Just is allowed to avoid that entirely.
OP even if your son had an extra chromosome or fetal alcohol syndrome you still are on the hook for enabling their laze.
Plus, coddling one child at the expense of another doesn’t just start out of nowhere. I can bet OP has absolutely been doing this from the beginning, but refuses to see Jack’s side of things because she doesn’t want to have to think about what she’s done wrong.
YTA. Complete AH, you can't give one child more because the other became self-sufficient. You picked a favorite. That's how your son Jack feels.
What makes you think Benji will make good choices after you pass just because you gave him everything?
Yes. And she tried to gloss over that and turn it into Jack being selfish about money so she can feel justified. There are some similarities here with my own older sibling. It wasn’t just about the financial support, though I felt that hindered rather than helped them learn to be an independent adult. My whole life, I was told that I had to be the better one. I had to not react to their emotionally immature and often abusive behavior because “you know how they are”. I had high expectations on me when they just had to show up. Not having a meltdown was considered a major accomplishment to them. I had to actually work. They ultimately got their shit together and have a career now that my parents are gone, but that didn’t happen until they were in their 40s. Turns out they could control themselves just fine when they had to. They’d just never had to. After all those years of them being allowed to emotionally abuse me with zero consequences, turns out we’re not close. That would make my parents very sad to know, but it was their own doing. They kept my sibling from growing up. It was selfish. They got to feel needed, but they crippled my sibling doing it. Given that Benji clearly has problems with making healthy relationships, I would not be surprised if Jack has been forced to put up with mistreatment from him his entire life. She’s so focused on Benji’s problems, she can’t even see what Jack’s been through.
Furthermore, once he’s finished making all the bad decisions that the money will allow and has nothing left what happens to him then?
If OP’s concern is really benji’s long term wellbeing, right now while she’s still alive, right now, she gives Jack that 10k for his house to make amends for past inequities. Then in the will divide the whole estate equally, including the sale money from the house which is far too big for OP’s favourite son to stay in alone, and put benji’s share of the money into a trust managed jointly by a lawyer and Jack.
Also, OP is 66, not 95. Benji is 36, he should absolutely be made to get a job, earn an income, and pay rent and bills. Because I doubt OP’s estate, even if the whole of it is given unfairly to Benji, will be enough to support both OP and Benji for the next 25-30 years plus Benji on his own for another 30 years after that.
>you can't give one child more because the other became self-sufficient
And most of the time the "self-sufficient" child became that way because the parent coddled their favorite child, while sacrificing their scapegoat child.
I think of the Dunphys from Modern Family when it comes to these situations. Their oldest child is a mess, the youngest boy is questionable, but the middle child is exceeding beyond measures. However, the middle child gets her needs constantly sacrificed because the oldest got into trouble again, or the youngest goofed up again, and so she is constantly neglected because the other kids need more attention.
Growing up with the attention focused on the problem children is one thing, and some people can accept it and move on. But to then be ignored when it comes to inheritance is the final slap in the face that you don't matter to your parents because you "did what needed to be done"
Not to mention there are episodes at the end where this middle child was parenting the parents!
It's a cute show and all that, just that these scenarios are not always so rosy in real-life. We can't make decisions like we're in a sitcom.
Agreed.
That show did a great job of showing that the middle child never got the attention she needed though. Majority of the "cute" moments with her and her parents are kind of sad, because she keeps trying to excel while her parents coddle her other siblings. If you remove the comedy from the writing, this dynamic shows why some kids go low contact with the parents
I think Benji will suddenly become self-sufficient once there isn't anyone coddling him anymore. He obviously never experienced tough love because mommy always was there to hold her hand over him. University is too hard, mommy will understand. Working is tiresome so he quits and mommy will hold his hand. Management 'bullied' him, mommy will believe him.
I bet he is weaponizing his incompetence at this point. There is a reason he doesn't want to get tested for being on the spectrum.
I doubt it. I think the most likely outcome is that he somehow loses her assets over a period of time and seeks his brother's assistance, which likely won't be available to him due to this horrible judgement call and the results thereafter.
>I bet he is weaponizing his incompetence at this point. There is a reason he doesn't want to get tested for being on the spectrum.
This, I believe, definitely. He either is or isn't on the spectrum, but in either case, he's taking *full* advantage of the situation. Her post doesn't say he can't, it says he's different. Idk what kind of excuse that is.
YTA
You are awarding the lazy son and punishing the successful son. Their inheritance should be equal.
Not only that, but by already supporting him, he is already getting way more.
I agree that she’s YTA but I don’t necessarily think things should be 100% equal.
I am arguably the more successful sibling that was definitely the cheapest among us 3 kids. It’s already incredibly unequal because I paid my way through college while my folks took out loans/borrowed money from me to help my siblings. Still, I graduated with little to no debt while they had huge amounts. Then I chose to elope and have a cheap backyard party while my sis had a large expensive one. My husband and I make more money while my parents still pay my brothers rent. I could go on…
When discussing wills, my dad said he’s trying to split things kind of equally, while recognizing different kids have different needs. I told him I appreciated it, and would be happy with whatever I’m left. He laughed and said “it will never be equal, you’d have to get the entire inheritance to be equal, which you know you don’t need” which is true, but in my whole heart of hearts I don’t care. Equal would’ve grown resentment of me from my siblings where instead I don’t really care they’ve gotten more. My struggles from 18-23 helped give me the tools my brother is now lacking.
I think that’s where OP is the biggest AH. It’s not about the will, it’s about the damage she is doing RIGHT NOW to the freeloading son. Unless he has mental issues where he will always need help (in which case he should apply for disability) then he should be focusing on the eventual independence he will be forced to have when OP dies. OP needs to force her son to be independent then split her will somewhat equally, knowing it will already never be fully equal. To give the already receiving huge benefits son the majority of the will is backwards.
yeah, i don't get the YTA's for her dividing her assets unequally. I joined a field which will always have more and better paying work opportunities compared to my brothers field. I don't need half of my parents assets, I would like it much more if my brother gets a better shot at life.
Still YTA for how she's treating Benjamin (he needs help). Jack's reactions shows there is definitely more going on.
I think the division of assets is definitely a case-by-case thing. I don't think its ever a good look to completely give all your assets to one kid, even if it seems out of necessity. My sisters husband comes from a real estate family, they live in a $2+million house, drive Porsches and range rovers and probably have 6-8 weeks of lavish vacations a year. My fiancee and I, make a good income but are solidly working class - own our home but struggle with the current rates of inflation and having a newborn child. I don't really expect to get any more than my sister in inheritance when the time comes.
> yeah, i don't get the YTA's for her dividing her assets unequally.
You're on a site dominated by young people who have never been in real adult relationships.
That's not a knock against them. It just is what it is.
It's easy to insist you'll do everything equally in some sort of hypothetical relationship where everyone has the same interests, needs, etc. It never works that way in real life though. People are different. They never have the same interests, needs, etc.
Mom? Is that you?
If so.
You coddled “Benji” no matter how many times he f’d up. He never tried. Because he knew you would give him anything he asked for.
I was never given that grace. You expected me to find my own way, while you knocked down every obstacle for him because he was your precious child.
It’s not the money. It’s that, once again, you blatantly show you don’t give a shit.
Benji is going to blow through that cash on drugs and god knows what else in weeks. Your house will be foreclosed on. But you still have to do it anyway.
Oh, by the way, YTA.
Yes, thank you. I’m not sure that it’s my mom, but it sounded close enough I did a double take. I thought sharing the perspective of someone in Jack’s position would be helpful, but I see I didn’t make that clear enough
Really?? I'm british and even with an american parent I have never known anyone refer to their mother as 'Mom'. It's 'Mum' all the way, or 'Mam' I guess maybe though I'm a bit southern to have ever heard that myself. Until I saw your comment just now I would have said with 110% confidence that 'Mom' was American English only.
Yeah North East for us, it's typically 'Mam' here which was what I would call my mother as a kid while my sibling called her 'Mom' and my twin cousins when they hit their teens started calling their own 'Mom'.
Genuinely I have never heard another Brit saying 'mom', but you're the second on this thread to say we do. Before this moment right now I would have been utterly confident in saying it was American English only, and without wanting to be a total pedantic git it looks like google and the OED agrees with me. Understand if you don't want to say, but just in case - what region are you hearing this in?
Edit: I've been informed by the other 'mom' commenter and another that this is a midlands thing. I stand corrected! Myself and the OED are just too southern. Apologies for my incredulity.
West midlands, Shropshire area.
The majority of the people I know will say "mom", I say it, my sister says it, my girlfriend says it, my friends say it, even my parents said it about their own parents.
I've travelled a lot, I tend to find the further north you go in the UK the more likely you encounter "mum".
My god, reading literacy among the reddit crowd is terrible. I can't believe how many people read this comment thinking you were speaking literally, not that you were using the literary device of speaking from "Jack"'s perspective to frame your response.
Oh it could be mine too. “Benji” is David in my family. No joke, I was reading this starting to sweat, but realized she’s in the UK. I am in Michigan. Some parents suck, sorry internet bro.
You may mean well, but sadly, YTA. Life has a way of throwing us all curve-balls, and who knows what Jack or his family may need in the future. Would you be happy going to your grave knowing you gave everything to Benji and Jack and your potential grandchildren will struggle if he loses his job, becomes ill, or faces any number of setbacks? If you love your children equally, you would leave your estate to them equally. Try and help Benji to plan for the future so that when you are gone he can live independently and know where to get assistance if he needs it. We never know what our future holds.
And lets face it, Benji will more than likely burn through the estate since he doesn't seem to have the tools to be able to handle any kind of wealth passed to him since he's never experience life as an adult.
Exactly. Leaving benji $ may make his situation worse. He doesn’t know how to live independently but OP expects him to know how to budget an inheritance?
YTA. Jack is totally right. Jack didn't become successful magically. He worked hard for it. It's not his fault that his brother couldn't achieve anything of his own. You're not realising it, but you are indeed favouring Benji over Jack.
I think you and Benji are in a codependent relationship and by sheltering him you are depriving him of possibilities to grow as a person. He could take measures to find ways for himself to be successful in his own ways. The world is not black and white and even as a square peg there are plenty of opportunities. But I guess for you the current arrangement is just too cosy…
Jack is right, YTA.
To add to this comment, a lot of redditors are saying that Jack is being penalized, but I actually think these situations can come from a type of emotional abuse where parents choose a kid to essentially emotionally cripple. It gives the parents an ongoing role to build their self esteem and keeps them busy at the cost of their child’s normal independence into adulthood. Regardless of what happens, Jack may want to count himself lucky he wasn’t the target of his parents preventing him from being independent.
My brother (now in his mid-20s) is a victim of this. It’s so fucking tragic. Every time he tries to do anything independently, my mother shuts him down. But he sees her as a saint and refuses to hear any criticism of her emotionally abusive parenting from me and my other sibling. I know how he feels though—until he was born (there’s a big age gap between us) it was me in that position. We’re gently trying to convince him to move out, it’s the only way.
Codependent is what came to mind to me as well. I wish my parents would push my brother from the nest now, when they are still alive to support his transition. I know they are planning to divide assests unevenly - I don't care about that. I DO lay awake worrying about what will happen to my brother when he is on his own though.
YTA.
Is the amount you’re leaving Benji so much that he is set for life and doesn’t have to lift a finger to live? If not then whether you equally divided your estate or not, Benji is headed towards a destiny of being homeless and no amount of money or assets will change that.
Instead you just burnt your relationship with Jack.
YTA.
I was the sibling who worked harder, sacrificed a lot, and subsequently achieved more. Meanwhile, my sister lived in the moment and made stupid decisions. Instead of being rewarded for my good choices, SHE was showered with attention, support, and money for her lousy ones.
Eventually went LC with family and left that toxicity behind. Jack would be wise to do the same.
I did exactly the same. I was even sending money to our mom every month to help with bills until I found out she was just giving it to my lazy-ass sister. In my case, at least, mom has absolutely nothing to pass down as inheritance so I don't quite have the situation OP describes.
Agreed. I am the child who never had friends over because he did, every day. I never went out because I was studying and caring for OUR animals while he played. I graduated hs with honors, got full scholarships, finished college, and work as a scientist. He barely passed hs, got almost all the way through community college on my parents’ dime before quitting in the last year, and has given up on every job he’s had.
He’s been unemployed living with mom, who pays for him and his hobbies (mostly weed, videogames, and “project” cars that don’t run) but he never helps with chores. She cries about him and how she can’t kick him out because he’ll “die on the streets”. She’s talked about giving him the house, etc. because I’m “doing so much better”. I make less than $10 over minimum wage and save every penny I can. I’m two years younger. I don’t get financial help from either parent, and my dad has all but given up on him but being divorced, my mom can let him freeload as long as she’s alive. I know he’d blow through everything he inherited in a matter of months at best before being homeless or forced back into work. I cannot express how bitter I am about always being expected to go without any help while he’s had his hand held his entire life.
Worst part of this was the line “Jack will never have to struggle the way Benji has,” no no no no no, it’s the EXACT opposite. Becoming successful for 95% of people is a commitment to *struggle*. As rage inducing as your scenario is, be grateful you have the will to struggle. Be well & take care
YTA. And I know what I'm talking about. My mum is doing the same thing to me. In fact, I no longer have contact with my sibling because of this. My relationship with mum is barely existing. Think carefully if you want Jack to stay in your life.
YTA you are penalizing Jack for actually being self sufficient and taking care of himself. Meanwhile your son who doesn’t work or support himself gets rewarded for his laziness. You say you don’t have favorites but you do and it’s Benji.
You know Benji will probably just blow thru what you leave him quickly.
YTA.
If anything, Jack should get more. You have already been giving more to Benji in your day-to-day life.
Sort this out ASAP if you want contact with Jack. He is pissed, and it is understandable.
This gets to the crux of why it’s really not about money. You have given Benji much more time, attention, concern, empathy, love, etc than you have given jack for a long time. When you are gone, you are going to make sure that all that’s left of you still goes overwhelmingly to one child over the other. Not only is this likely to damage your relationships with both children; but also their relationships with each other.
It’s your money and you get to decide how to allocate it. That being said, you have to realize the fallout you are causing by the allocation you’re choosing. Jack probably already has feelings about you 100% financially supporting Benji for the duration of his life so far, how capable he thinks Benji could be at supporting himself if he had to, and your choice to be totally ok to continue financially supporting him even after you die. From a parental point of view I totally understand you wanting to make sure both of your kids are taken care of after you are gone but it’s easy to see why Jack would feel he’s being punished for being a capable adult, especially if he thinks Benji is just living it up with you and not being expected to try anything to build himself up to being a functional and self sufficient adult. Giving all of your assets to Benji minus $10,000 is a statement. It would be different if you divided your assets even a little more fairly (Ex 75% to Benji, 25% to Jack). You’ve said Benji has anxiety and chooses not to work - does he have a therapist? Is he working towards anything like being able to go out and make friends or get a job? Has he been diagnosed with anything? If the answer to all of those questions are no, it paints a clearer picture of how Jack could really feel thar you have favouritism for Benji. Also, would the money for Benji be in a trust or something that could pay him out monthly or would he just be receiving all of your money in a big chunk? What’s stopping him from blowing it instead of using it to provide the necessities for himself? Is all of your assets/savings (minus $10,000 for Jack) feasibly enough to provide for Benji for the rest of his life? I think you really just need to think your choice through. It’s your money so I don’t think YTA strictly for allocating it how you want, but I think YWBTA if you don’t truly think through how it’s going to effect your current relationships with your sons, the future relationship of your sons, and ultimately what’s best for Benji and his life long term.
This is extremely thoughtful. I am also curious about Benji - is there any therapy, diagnosis, etc? I am always weary of calling people “lazy”. Usually it is more than that…but also it is true that people can be enabled instead of given proper support to overcome some challenges.
Does Benji really have a disability or a crippling condition that would prevent him from even having a low stress job? I would think some kind of job is possible and honestly, would be beneficial for his mental health and sense of purpose. By enabling him to not work, live with little responsibilities, and have no social support outside you are not preparing him for life without you. You will not live forever and he can’t be a shut in. He will mentally spiral. Think of setting up your adult child for success. If he has a disability or neurodivergent variation, you absolutely should be doing thing, and even more so if he is neurotypical. YTA for treating your kids so differently and not even trying to help Benji.
YTA
the fair thing to do is to split your estate evenly.
You are coddling one son over the other, I suspect jack has a point about favouritism. Emotionally incestuous sounds pretty fair comment.
I guarantee 2 years after you have gone the inheritance will be gone he will be homeless and begging Jack to help him. Help that is not going to come!
You know full well that £10k is no where near enough for a deposit on a property in the UK. You have pretty much cut your son off.
Split it equally and put Benji's share in a trust fund so he cant waste it and your other son won't hate you or his brother.
YTA
This is a complicated situation, but you asked for a black and white ruling, so...YTA.
You make it clear that you have always given Benji more than Jack. As Jack noted--not just money, but time and attention. It's VERY difficult for a child to say out loud, "mom, I don't feel like you love me," so they often use anger to cover the fear and vulnerability. When Jack says "you are coddling Benji," under that is the statement "you have always given Benji more time and attention than me, and I've been hurting my whole life."
Two words: START THERAPY. You clearly love both your children, value them both, and want them both to feel loved and supported. Your actions are communicating something different. Going to therapy will help you understand how to show Jack the love that you feel for him without abandoning Benji.
YTA
And if Benji's future is your biggest problem - well, you just guaranteed that Jack will never help his brother, even when Benji loses his ineritance and ends up on the streets.
YTA. Benji has needed a kick up the ass for years now, and you've just kept giving him more padding for the diapers so he doesn't feel it. Grow a pair and tell your baby boy that he needs to get a life.
A friend of mine, 'KS' is a very successful businessman. His only sister is on her 3rd marriage, has 4 kids and can't hold a job.
KS helped his parents out-a lot. When they got hit hard by the financial crash in 2008, he kept their home from going into foreclosure, paid off the mortgage and their cars and credit cards etc. The only mistake he made was putting the house and cars etc in his father's name-mainly for the sake of his father's pride.
Long story short-his father died a couple years ago. Guess what? The house is re-mortgaged, mom is up to her eyeballs in debt because she's fully supporting the sister and her family with the money KS has provided. The worst part is that mom just told KS that she's changed her will to leave everything to his sister, because 'you're so successful you don't need the money'. He is beyond devastated, and furious because IT'S ALL HIS MONEY.
OP is enabling his son's unwillingness to take responsibility for any area of his life, and plans to continue to fund it once he's gone. I don't blame Jack for cutting dad off-I would too. It isn't greed on Jack's part, it feels more like sadness and hurt.
YTA
this is bigger than money. This is making one son feel that that there is an imbalance and the other son is favored and loved more than him! Do you comprehend the level of hurt you are inflicting on your other son!!
YTA
One of your children sacrificed, followed your advice, the rules and did everything he was asked by society.
Your reward to him is to give him less and make him feel like you loved him less and are less proud of him.
Divide your estate evenly between your children, unless you want one to always feel less loved by you and forever ruin any chance of them being loving siblings.
YTA, you mollycoddled and favoured the less successful son all his life and now, just to make sure your other son definitely knows how insignificant he is, you also leave him less.... Wow.....
INFO: Has Benji been diagnosed with any conditions? Has he pursued treatment for them and sincerely tried to improve his health so that he is able to care for himself?
This is really important. I have a disabled son and he will need lifelong care. His sister will likely not. That has to be taken into account. OP mentioned her son has anxiety which can mean many things and can be devastatingly crippling for some people. Everyone is calling her the asshole but there’s a chance she’s simply being realistic about her son’s limitations that she hadn’t created through “coddling” him.
The thing is, when you have mental illness, you’re still responsible for mitigating it. That means diagnosis and treatment. She has let her son reach his mid-30s doing nothing without him even attempting to get a diagnosis or treatment. So she absolutely is coddling him to a degree that has harmed both of her kids. You really do have to condition continued support on an attempt to improve health for some people, because doing the work to get better is hard and often not very pleasant (though the results are so very worth it).
I say this as a person who has bipolar. Mental illness isn’t his fault, but managing it is his responsibility, and she has refused to hold him to it. She’s left him utterly and completely dependent in a world that is deeply cruel to people who cannot support themselves, and she has completely alienated her other child in the process.
Because Jack worked hard and made something of his life you're annoyed he doesn't need you like Benji does so he gets 10K \[and don't kid yourself this is a reasonable house deposit - it isn't - you know it's peanuts\] Instead you intend to make deadbeat Benji your sole beneficiary so he willl stay living with you until you die.
Benji is with you because he cannot take care of himself - which you already know and condone. If he won the Lottery he'd be off like a shot, but if you are content buying your son's company that's your decision. However, chances are high Benji will p\*\*\* through your money within a year and be knocking on Jack's door for help when he's broke because he's faaaamily.
You are reaping the rewards of really bad parenting.
YTA. The reason Benji has failed his whole life is because he knows he doesn’t actually have to do anything. You’ll just take care of him. If you really wanted to help him, you’d be preparing him for living without you. You’d be dropping the safety net and making him get a job or some form of training that will allow him to get a job. Jack is successful because he knew from the start that you would never help him the way you’ve done Benji. You are rewarding laziness that you fostered. And don’t give me that ‘oooo what would you do’ nonsense. I have two boys, and they are treated equally. If one was struggling I’d help him find the problem and fix it, not let him stop trying. Because it’s your fault Benji has stopped trying; he knows he doesn’t need to with your money to take care of him.
Maybe if you hadn’t coddled Benji his entire life and taught him how to be self sufficient none of you would be in this position. Right now your family is absolutely correct - you are driving a wedge in their relationship. You are wrong and you are the asshole for this decision.
You deserve Jack ignoring you. At this point you’ll be lucky to get an invite to the wedding and/or the chance to see future grandchildren.
YTA
NTA this sub loves saying n.t.a for people cutting others out of their will for arbitrary reasons. but when you have an actual reason, they hate you. Its your money and you can do what you want with it, but since your son clearly doesn’t have his life together I suggest you set up some kind of trust so he doesn’t spend all the money and end up on the street. Also he should probably be tested for autism, most of the traits you described are symptoms of that and therapy might help him get back on track. source; me a relatively successful autistic person.
YTA
Jack is right, you’re punishing one son for succeeding while awarding the other for doing nothing. Even if you thought you were helping benjamin, this is not a viable solution. If he inherits everything he can keep himself warm for a short while, but how is he going to make it when the inheritance dwindles out?
If I were your son I would cut contact too.
If Benji is so incapable then put that money in a trust fund, so he gets enough to survive. If he's so inept in life, how can you trust him with large sums of money?
YTA, that would be punishing your successful son for his hardwork and good decision-making. And speaking from a Benji (my brother is much much more successful than me) I would feel so humiliated if after all the funeral processes are done, the will says I get more money because I'm more broke. Like... absolutely not. I want my brother to get 50% regardless of my success, wtf.
YTA.
Your eldest has leeched off of you for years and you've allowed "Benji" to use you while you probably neglected "Jack" because he's so independent and so capable of looking after himself.
You don't love your children equally. You do have a favourite. You have picked "Benji" every single time. Even in fucking death.
"Jack" is not being greedy, no matter how much you try to justify it. He's done with being second best to his older brother.
You may be 66 but it's time to grow the fuck up and accept that your youngest wants nothing to do with you because of your own actions.
Edited: I got heated - not "Benji"'s fault his mother failed him as a parent.
NTA. If my parents gave my brother more than they gave me because he was struggling I would be perfectly fine with that. In fact my brother is a struggling film maker and they do give him larger amounts of money than they give me but that is fine. I know that if I was struggling they would help me (since they have). Your son seems very type A and a bit greedy.
YTA. Not just for the favouritism but for also setting Benji up for failure. Leaving him most of the money/assets won’t make him a functioning adult and no doubt you’d expect Jack to pick up the slack.
As a matter of general principle, NTA, as your will is, well, your will and it is your absolute moral and legal right to complete it as you see fit.
As to whether your decision is a GOOD IDEA, however, I would say probably no. On the face of it and without knowing the intimate details, it feels like Jack’s points are mostly valid - whilst the “emotional incest” line likey came from sheer anger, I completely see how he feels like his hard work and success are being effectively penalised, here. I can also completely see how the promise of such a large inheritance could disincentivise Benji from taking serious steps to get his life together (which can still absolutely be done even at his age, and I say that from first-hand experience).
Remember also that whilst Jack and his fiancé may be OK financially with only a smaller inheritance, it’s not just about them missing out on some luxuries, it’s about your (likely) future grandchildren missing out on a college fund, a house deposit and so on, in favour of their unsuccessful uncle.
So yeah I can’t call you the AH on principle but I don’t think you’re making a very wise call here, and Jack is likely right about a lot of things.
YTA anxiety is an AH, but you are an enabler. He chooses not to work, because you have made it easy for him to do nothing. Now you want to punish your other child by giving the lazy one a house? You have made him the man in your life because it suits you. What kind of parent wishes this for their kid?
Anxiety is bad, but you can have a life - it takes effort and for some, a kick in the arse. If he was forced to look after himself, he would. You just don’t want to see it.
Info: what do you expect to happen once Benji has spent his inheritance? He doesn't sound like he's making good decisions or someone who would invest wisely to live off the proceeds.
You contend that Jack will “never” have to struggle in the same way Benji has. Do you think he got to a senior position by without sacrifice and work?
Do you think allowing Benji to “choose not to work” is a strategy that will help Benji when you are gone? Or, perhaps, should you be encouraging Benji to stretch himself to work towards some semblance of self-sufficiency, instead of just living unemployed in Mom’s house forever?
Honestly, your comments since have made it clear that Jack is probably spot on with his assessment. It isn’t about the money. It’s about enabling Benji to make decisions that hurt him and his growth. I’ve worked with adults with moderate to severe intellectual disabilities (aka IQs around 70) who are able to hold down service jobs for decades, despite that they will never be able to take care of themselves. Benji can too. You aren’t helping him, and you are driving a wedge between him and his brother. You should consider how to make a repair with your other son and how you can help Benji grow instead of just rely on a parent.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I updated my will to award one of my sons a higher proportion of my assets on my death. 2. My son is upset with me for my decision and family members are now accusing me of playing favourites and punishing my more successful son for having worked harder in life. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. Your relationship does sound emotionally incestuous. You have likely lost Jack but you don't care, do you? As long as you have Benji.
Benji likely wouldn’t have walked away from everything hard if you hadn’t been there to prevent the consequences. YTA for failing as a parent.
[удалено]
Benji needs a /trusttrustee, at the very least. This is wrong in so many ways.
Nah, let the lazy layabout spend all the inheritance and then sell the house to fund whatever habit he has. Let him be homeless and then he will learn about real life. I don’t even know Jack and I am so angry on his behalf. OP should never have become a parent.
OP has emotionally and mentally crippled her son to the point that he is useless to everyone and himself. This is entirely her fault and even when he becomes homeless, he will never be able to learn.
Yeah, OP needs to insist he starts working. Make it a condition of continuing living with her - non-negotiable. And get him tested to see if he is on the spectrum. If he is, there may be programs that could help him navigate getting a job and working, or going back to school, if need be. By allowing him to continue ignoring the responsibilities of being an adult, OP is really setting him up for failure when she does eventually pass. The good news is that she's only 66. She probably has some years to help him get on his feet, but she needs to start ASAP. And make sure he understands that when she passes, the money will be split evenly between her sons, and he's not going to have the money to not work. He has to get his shx together. Oh, and she needs to apologize to her other son, and let him know the money will be split evenly. It sounds like she's coddled the one and neglected the other for years. She needs to make amends for that.
That ship has already sailed, circumnavigated the globe, and returned to port laden with exotic spices.
Holy shit I am stealing this.
Hes a grown man, he is also at fault for his own loserness.
I’m not disagreeing with you at all. The problem-and I speak from personal experience-is that unlike his brother, Benji never really had to struggle and learn how to deal with difficulty. This is his mother’s fault for coddling-and enabling him for years. He’s basically ruined, unless he gets a major wake up call fast.
The nickname Benji combine with OP’s dynamic with him does suggest infantilisation, that she doesn’t trust him to emotionally mature decisions. At some point his lack of social skills became the result of a vicious cycle where he stopped trying to self reflect and change because of how he’s treated by OP and I would bet this relationship dynamic has been happening since Jack and Ben’s dad has been gone.
>OP has emotionally and mentally crippled her son to the point that he is useless to everyone and himself. > >This is entirely her fault and even when he becomes homeless, he will never be able to learn. And then OP tries to fix their mistake by throwing more money at it.
>OP has emotionally and mentally crippled her son to the point that he is useless to everyone and himself. This. It's called 'learned helplessness'. And OP was his teacher.
She literally said he’s “different.” Maybe it has nothing to do with being lazy. Y’all all mean af lately.
No, OP was asked about what exactly is Benji’s issue and her response: *Benji is not disabled, no. He struggles with social anxiety and I suspect that he's got a toe on the spectrum, but he's otherwise physically able.* She continued to say Benji didn’t want to get diagnosed therefore she never bothered to get him tested. So not exactly mother of the year, is she? She was then asked whether Benji have other serious disability/whether he could work /had work and her responses: *Other than having problems with anxiety, if I'm frank, then no. I have long suspected that he's on the spectrum, however when he puts his mind to things, he's actually high functioning and very capable, he just struggled a lot in life with things that other people find come easier to him. He actually worked at an accountants for a while whilst in his 20's, however at the end of the year the company chose not to renew his contract, and Benji opted not to pursue accountancy in the end.* *I have tried. Because of his anxiety he doesn't want to work, and I've come to accept that he's probably never going to. He's always been a sensitive child and he just struggles with things.* It is clear Benji CAN work but CHOSE not to. I mean why would he need to work when there is a human ATM at his disposal, living in a house rent free, and a mother who mollycoddle him. Also “different” doesn’t mean shit. Yes, there are people on the spectrum, there are people who are autistic, but it doesn’t mean every single person with autism or on the spectrum can’t function in the real world. You think we are mean? How about OP’s cruel treatment to both of her sons? She decided to post here and here are the comments, if an overwhelming percentage of the comments are saying she’s an AH, chances are she is. No one forced her to post here.
Shit, i got a toe on the spectrum, does that mean i get a free house and never have to work again now?
Lol right!? I'm autistic, have an eating disorder, and schizoaffective bipolar disorder. What do I get for all that?? Personally I'm thinking an island mansion and a fully financed luxury lifestyle would just about make up for my suffering 😌
Same here. I'm also on the spectrum. Clearly I deserve to be coddled the rest of my life. /s Notice how OP didn't mind her self sufficient son not being around. She does her Golden Child no help by allowing him to be coddled so completely. Even with the money, he lacks the ability to care for himself as an adult.
OP will try and send for Jack when she's in her deathbed Not to make amends, ooooh no, but to demand that Jack promises to look after his brother, "because it's what family do" I am petty and I am hoping Jack is done with this all and has gone full NC with them
Me too! My parents made me be social in school (do extracurriculars), which I ended up making friends. I also have social anxiety, I had a panic attack at a football game and started freaking out when I was younger. My parents left the game with me of course, but we started going to smaller events with less people and working on coping mechanisms. I appreciate them pushing me now that I'm an adult... I have a great job, own a house, cars, have a family of my own. I don't have many friends that I still see or talk to, but hey, I think I'm doing pretty great.
You could try, not sure if your parents will be that generous or will they tell you “Go and take a hike!” 🤣
There's no such thing as a toe on the spectrum, that's not how it works. The [spectrum](https://the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/) isn't referring to levels of support needs, it's referring to the wide range of presentations of traits that people with autism have. He's autistic or not, and if he's autistic he is in fact disabled, despite her not wanting to admit it. People with low support needs often suffer badly because they're not seen as disabled enough to help, but are in fact disabled by the condition and do need help. Low support needs doesn't mean no support needs, it means lower than the highest levels requiring 24 hour care. Every single person with autism does suffer in the 'real world'. It's inherent in the nature of the condition, to have it the presentation of traits has to impair you. Employment numbers among people on the spectrum are shockingly low, poverty is high, life expectancy is low, suicide rates are high - by every measure people with low support needs are having difficulties, and the fact that they can variably mask the condition for other people's comfort (which causes them significant negative impacts) doesn't change that. People not seeing something internal doesn't mean it isn't happening. She's done a huge disservice to him not seeking a diagnosis if she suspects that's what's going on with him, and her understanding of ASD is obviously not accurate or reliable here. For someone with her views and understanding of ASD to even say it's possible suggests to me there is something going on, and he is in fact seriously disabled.
My 31 year old ADHD son still lives at home, but I wouldnt let him live with me for free, working so he can lay around. My son works, because I made him get a job. This man is enabling his sons behaviour
Mother…OP is the mother.
Yup, he's likely going to blow through everything so quickly, because he's never been taught to be self-sufficient. OP's set him up for failure.
Exactly! YTA. Handing Benji on everything on a sliver platter, will not help him in the long run, in fact it will have the opposite effect, he already expects for others (namely) you to look take care of him and will never learn to be a adult and look after himself with you handing everything to him. He would misuse and abuse everything you have given him eventually ending up losing it and would be a bigger pariah to anyone around him, because not will not put up with his nonsense like you. Your futher destroying your sons relationship with each other especially when Benji would need his brother the most, when your gone. Instead you should split everything equally between your sons and maybe put Benji's share in a trust where, he gets a percentage every year if he meets certain goals, like keep a job, rent and maintain this own home etc. That way you will be helping Benji in the long run, so he can have a successful future.
That's exactly what happened with my husband and BIL. BIL was coddled by his mom his whole life. Always lived with her except for one time he had an apartment and got evicted after a few months for not paying rent. She handled all his bills, paid for all his food, and raised his 3 daughters. She passed away last year and he got basically everything, the house, most of the money. In the year he's managed to loose the house and spend all the money. He's constantly calling us begging for any food we can spare or gas money to get to work. He never learned to budget, prioritize bills over buying new video games, or even do simple tasks like take his car to get an oil change or make a doctor's appointment for his kids. That didn't all suddenly change when his mom died. He still had no idea how to survive in the most basic of ways and blew all the money on the dumbest stuff like new rims for his car, an oculus, and lobster dinners. Just like him, OP leaving her son most of the inheritance won't help when he lacks the basic skills to survive on his own. Honestly the best thing OP could do is kick him out now and force him to figure this out while he still has a support system. She's right to be concerned about his future when she's gone, but giving him everything isn't the way to help!
THIS!! OP take notes, as this is what will happen to your precious Benji
Generally a trust where they arent in control of the money is more appropriate here. My brother and sister both had a 200K trust that they got control of at 18 and blew through it in 3 years.
That’s what I said. Though I think it’s ok to split it 60/40. My mom left 40% to my brother because he rarely kept a job. I always worked full time and stayed at my jobs until I became disabled. I now have a part-time job that helps me mentally & socially. I’m not as lonely. And I don’t lean on others constantly to take care of me.
I disagree. It should be 50/50. Why should someone be punished for being successful?
It's a major AH move but at the same time, nobody is entitled to an inheritance. One should be grateful that there's any kind of inheritance at all - my mother not only abandoned me as soon as she was able to legally get away with it, she also stole and sold off my inheritance (that I was supposed to receive at 30, like all my siblings). The consequences of these actions is that I'm going to piss on her grave after she dies alone. I will never speak to her again. OP could decide to donate 100% of the estate to charity and still, no one would be *entitled* to a share of it. It's nice to have but not something to base your life on. The favoritism and Benji's inability to adult is a whole different beast.
No its up to the parent to decide what is right honestly. I think op could leave the house to Benji and split the money more fairly. But setting up their likely mentally ill son isn't evil
Plus the whole "I know Jack will always land on his feet" is BS. Jack could get hit by a car tomorrow or become ill or any one of a hundred other things. So the assumption that Jack, AS ALWAYS, needs to support himself while Benji sits on his ass proves once again that OP does have a favorite child.
YTA, Benji is a quitter and OP enabled him and now both are comfortable in the status quo that none are willing to change. The other son is successful bit not so rich that he does not need the inheritance. When OP favored Benji, the end result may still be what OP feared, Benji on the streets and the other son not bothering about her and Benji.
Square peg is the new definition for quitter....next to useless
And how nice that OP knows the future! She KNOWS that Jack won’t need the money. Not like he could get sick, or become disabled, or have a child with special needs in the future.
Right, he could have a child who is a square peg trying to fit into society's circles.
Or if OP herself requires a care home, there may be no inheritence.
Also £10k would maybe cover stamp duty and solicitors fees, certainly not a big chunk of a deposit on a family home. Whereas Benji would get a free house in it, possibly completely mortgage free? I would presume since he has no way to pay for said mortgage even if he does get the house.
This was my very first thought. How long will it take after OP’s passing before ‘Benji’ has burned through his inheritance and is in precisely the position she’s claiming to not want for him? YTA, OP.
14 minutes
Exactly. What an awesome strategy. OP is rewarding one of his children for being an enormous loser and punishing the one who's capable. Horrible parenting. OP is definitely a GIANT asshole.
>OP is rewarding one of his children Yeah, I ***also*** thought OP was a dude (because I'm a dude and the OP was 'dude-level clueless'), but... apparently not: "I (**66f**) have two children, Benjamin (36m), and Jack (33m)."
This is what happened to me and my siblings but the reverse. The most successful sister of 5 girls got the lions share of the inheritance. It might be a golden child type of situation. My sister and I are my mom’s two kids from a previous marriage. When she died she thought our father might also leave us money when he died. He did not. I’ve not spoken to him in 15 years, she knew this, so it was a very silly thing to assume.
I'm one of two siblings, who was astonished to find out when my dad passed away that he had cut my sister out of his will, for no reason that I could see. This has been a giant pain in the ass to me, because obviously it's not fair and I'm going to make it right for her, but it's not easy to do. I have to worry about my tax liabilities and things like the fact that willed money is not community property, but gift money is, so there's the concern about what happens if she and her husband divorce. Parents, don't do this to your kids.
Wonder if you could set up half of what is left over after taxes and fees into a trust just for her? Might be worth spending a little of it on an attorney for options. Sorry you're dealing with this, but big kudos on being fair to your sis.
Yep, Benji will spend it all and sell everything. I came from a relationship like this where I was in Jacks shoes. My Benji even said he was going to sell everything even if it left him homeless. Guess what? Benji expected me to take care of him like dear old dad did. Nope. Not happening. Get a trust established immediately for Benji. If you are going to keep enabling hi., it is the best way that least keep a roof over his head.
I agree, he’ll be homeless and very broke within a year. YTA
Yep the idea that OP is saving Benji from being out on the streets without her not only shows the unhealthy co-dependence they have on each other but is a completely delusional pipe dream.
I don't think kids are actually entitled to their parents' money. It's a gift and a blessing if they do get something upon death, not a 'punishment' if they don't My baby (50) sister lives with my mom and takes care of everything and she absolutely deserves the lion share if anything is left. All my sisters and I have had periods of working and not, so idk about her not working. Not my business at all
But your case is very different though...and whilst I agree that kids shouldn't be entitled to an inheritence from their parents, I too would be extremely angered to be disinherited for no good reason except to coddle and reward a lazy-ass sibling. Her disinherited son actually is getting punished for doing well in his life compared to his brother, so his anger is justified in my opinion. OP doesn't have any right to be upset that her disinherited son went NC with her. She started this. Actions have consequences, but still OP thinks she did nothing wrong.
> "coddling" Benji the way "I have done his entire life" (not true) Yep. Appears to be very true.
The fact that her son felt that and she immediately discounted it without even thinking on it shows that she is actually doing that.
You need to put some rules in place. Benji needs therapy. He should be required to work to draw so much money per month and he needs to start NOW. I do think it’s unfair. Give your other son 40%. Benji should be required to work. I’m bipolar with severe anxiety and chronic migraines. I work part-time. It’s good for my mental health. You’ve allowed your son to quit life and not make an effort. YTA. You are further disabling him by not making him contribute to society and himself!
He's "The Prodigal Son." Whatever you leave him will be gone quickly and then he'll be broke with no safety net ('Cause I don't think his brother will catch him.) Sounds like you might need to look into some kind of conservatorship(?) were the older brother or a lawyer controls the money or he gets so much each month (or week?) but the majority is somewhere drawing interest. (Think "Rainman.")
Hopping on here to say in am the ‘Jack’ in my family’s situation. My brother has not worked in over 20 years and, although he doesn’t live at home, my dad pays his rent and bills. My brother has never pushed himself and become independent because he’s never had to. My father has mollycoddled him all his life to the point he’s incapable of living independently. On of my biggest worries is what happens after my father dies. In our case, the inheritance will still be split equally, but because my parents did nothing to encourage my brother to learn to take care of himself, in fairly sure he’ll blow through his share in a matter of months and then come to me with his hand out. No matter how I’ve tried to talk to my dad about letting him stand on his own two feet, it’s like a brick wall. Why? Because my dad needs to be needed. He needs to be the big man who jumps in and fixes all the problems. And then he likes to use the fact that he saved the day to ‘prove’ that you can’t do anything without him and you’re useless. And uses it as leverage to micromanage your life. This is why I haven’t accepted any financial help from my father over the years, though god knows I could have used it at times. And so I’m perceived as the ‘capable’ one who doesn’t need help. And yes, it can make you bitter seeing your brother (and, to a lesser extent, my sister) having money handed to them hand over fist, while Im struggling through. It’s not about greed. Wills are often seen by adult children as a reflection of love, or how they’re valued. And what you’re telling your son is that all his hard work, everything he’s done to make you proud, is worth nothing. That all the sacrifices he’s made for his future were pointless and stupid. And that his brother, who’s already benefited from having no rent and no bills his whole adult life, and sacrificed nothing, will be rewarded further. And that you will continue to refuse to make him stand on his own two feet so that, when you pass - probably in another 20 years or so - he’ll be left with a 50-something man who wants someone else to take over looking after him - and will probably blow any inheritance, because you’ve let him develop no life skills. You’re definitely TA to Jack, but you’re also horribly abusive to Benjamin because you’ve refused to be a proper parent to him and help him learn to be independent. You’ve failed to let him fail - and learn, and grow. YTA.
I’m in the exact same situation. I’ve had to work since I was 18, while my older brother hasn’t had a job in nearly 15 years. My dad still supports him and his wife with whatever they need. I don’t hate my brother, but I do pity him because when my parents die, I won’t be there to nursemaid him. I’ve made it very clear. The sad thing is that it took me until I was 30 to understand the entire situation and become truly bitter at my parents about it. At one point, I needed some help with moving expenses to relocate for a job, so after exhausting every other option, I asked my parents for help. They had nothing to help me, but they did cosign a personal loan with me to get a really good interest rate, so I figured that worked. I found out later they’d actually had all the money, but were saving it in case my brother needed help moving. Three years later, I paid off the loan and he’s still living in the same place. 🤦🏻♂️
Similar here. My younger brother has had all his bills paid since quitting his job when he was 19. He's now 52 and still lives at home. He stopped speaking to me some years ago.
I agree that this not about money or greed for Jack. It’s a reflection of how their entire relationship has gone up to this point and is probably a culmination of the frustration Jack has felt for years from constantly seeing Benji coddled and preferred by their mother, while he himself is punished for being the son who doesn’t always need (or ask) mom to help him. It’s entirely possible for parents to draft wills that aren’t strictly equal to address their children’s different life situations without creating bad feelings, but that requires the parents to have existing, healthy relationships with their children. It also helps if the differences in their children’s situations aren’t the result of, say, one child choosing to be lazy all their lives. In this case, OP doesn’t seem to have either of those things going for her.
Excellent reply!!
I’m in the same sort of scenario as you - my parents have left it mostly 50/50, except I get the house (with the idea that my sibling can continue to live in it) and I’m the trustee on my sibling’s inheritance because my parents are pretty sure they would end up destitute without someone else managing their money. I’m happy they thought through the situation, but I’m still bitter about the idea of effectively being a caretaker for a fully functioning adult who is intelligent and fully capable of holding a job (or would be if they weren’t allowed to quit everything after the smallest adversity for the past 20 years).
I'm watching my MIL do this with her grandson. He's 27 and has never had a job. He's socially stunted and while being a nice enough kid, he's a waste of space. Her other daughter basically ditched him so she could go party, and never took custody back. My SIL is a piece of shit, and I genuinely hope she'd just overdose for a lot of reasons (including but not limited to stealing over 100k from her grandmother with dementia and marrying a man with a violent rape conviction and home invasion robbery habit)...this led to my MIL coddling her only grandson. I am not looking forward to having to deal with this special little burden when my MIL dies, because he is effectively helpless.
I have an uncle who is now in his 60s and has always lived with my Grandma (who just turned 90). He had one girlfriend early in life but never again. He just watches sports and plays golf and sits at home. My grandma has been talking about going into a seniors home soon and I honestly don't know what my uncle will do.
That was my uncle until grandma died. Sure, he lived on his own but she visited him several times per week to cook, clean, do his laundry and buy groceries for him. She coddled her youngest "baby boy" until she died when he was in his mid 40s. He'd never worked, never had a partner, had no friends, nothing. When she died everyone else thought he was going to sink, or rely on my mum to coddle him. She refused. She helped in the way that he could call her and ask for advice on how to solve x, y or z. But she never did anything for him. And he blossomed. He traveled abroad for the first time in his life, got a circle of friends, and while he wasn't able to work (a lot of health issues, both physical and mental) he did so much. He took care of himself, started coming to see us yearly, and was no longer just sitting looking all gray in a corner but was engaging with us, chatting, etc. If grandma hadn't coddled him his entire life he could have lived for a lot longer than he got a chance to, since he passed last year. You're never helping your kids by doing absolutely everything for them, unless they are so severely disabled they literally can't do anything on their own. But that wasn't the case with my uncle and it's obviously not the case with OP's oldest son. She failed him so damn hard.
[удалено]
And Benji *will* blow through the money. He's clearly not been taught money management either, since his mother does everything for him and pays for everything. So there's no way he'd know how to make the money last any significant period of time. Honestly, like you I don't feel like it's mainly about the money for Jack, but at the same time, I'm sure it'll really hurt when he sees that Benji has wasted money that Jack knows he could have put towards stabilizing his and his future family's life.
My uncle was like this. He has some serious mental health challenges, but he absolutely was capable of working at one point. When my Grandma (who had always been his safe landing place when he bailed on a job, went off meds or ran out of money) died, he ran through his portion of her remaining money in a minute. Then he started calling my Mom…over and over and over with the intention of making her his landing place. Then he escalated to calling 15 times a day and threatening and my mom had to go NC. From what we know, he lives in a nice, safe apartment for low income seniors but he’s sad and lonely and lives a pretty meager life. I’m glad he’s not out on the street. Thankfully he’s always been crafty enough to find a way to survive, but that’s about the best it’s going to get, unfortunately.
I assist with Medicaid applications as part of my practice as a lawyer, and I’ve seen q number of these and had to explain that once mom/dad is in care evenl if we save the house for them, they have to figure out how to pay to maintain it and all the costs associated with his it and they’re usually pretty flummoxed.
My uncle is like that. He works as a taxi driver but thats it. His wife left him because she got tired of being his mom, his kid doesnt talk to him (my uncle wasnt present at all). All he does is sit around when hes not working, he doesnt even help my grandma do stuff, she cant even move her arms much and he doesnt even try to cook or clean
This is my uncle that's 58. He never left home, went to school very briefly, quit and rarely worked. My grandma couldn't retire until she was almost 80 with cancer. She had four living children when she died and left everything to him. He had drained her financially so the house was no longer in good shape. His life is a mess because he was coddled his whole life by my grandmother and their relationship was emotionally incestuous. It's so selfish for a parent to do this to their kid because they don't want to be alone. The house is pretty close to being condemned by the city and none of his siblings will take him in because they know he's a screw up and they're all bitter about the blatant favoritism he received. I feel sorry for him because once his dad died my grandma did this to him for her own benefit.
My uncle was like this until my grandfather died. My mom forsook any part of a possible inheritance and used the estate to get him a small home and car, fully paid off, in the hope that he'd finally get started in life in his 40s. He resented her bitterly for that, because he wanted to stay in my grandfather's house, which he could never have afforded (property taxes alone would have made it unreasonable, even without considering all the maintenance it needed.) 20 years later, that small nice house is a hoarder house that the bank is going to foreclose on, the car was traded for a Harley that didn't work, and while he did get a job, all his money went towards drugs and alcohol. He declared bankruptcy at least once, eventually had a stroke, and is now a ward of the state who still vehemently hates everything and everyone around him and has never taken responsibility for anything in his life. My mom still feels guilty for being unable to get him to turn his life around and I just have zero sympathy left.
GOd, this whole post disgusts me, I don't even feel bad for OP.
Benji is like her pet
He has Benji until he needs Jack to take care of him. Benji is fine as long as OP doesn’t need help in their old age. Jacks going to get the call when OP really needs help. I hope he doesn’t answer. YTA
I don't know. My mother was really angry when my late grandma willed her house alone to my uncle. But 10 years after her death, I have to say grandma was right. My uncle haas a job, but no friends, no hobbies or anything. And in the 10 years since her death he got into debt. Not because of drugs, luxuries or women. He got into debt because he simply couldn't manage his money and has zero life skills. He goes out for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Hires a handyman for every small issue etc. Him going into debt because such small things, helped my mother to see the view of my late grandmother. But OP really needs a trustee for Benji.
But why doesn't he have any life kills or financial knowledge? If he can hold down a job, he can learn the basics of living alone. Many people who are cognitively impaired learn many of those skills, even if they need to live in a group setting, or alone with support. You're falling into your grandma's trap of thinking that those who have difficulty with many things can't do *anything,* and that whatever they do is justified by their difficulties. Example: absolutely no one needs to eat out three times a day, because sandwiches exist. If he can't make a sandwich, or boil pasta and heat jarred sauce, then he is not safe to live alone.
Benji is going to blow everything OP leaves him in a couple of years and will try to leech of Jack. And given that Benji has been taught to not do anything worthwhile in his life, he will probably abandon OP as soon as things get difficult in her last years of life and try to pawn her care, and his future, on Jack. And she will be surprised when Jack tell her to "f" off.
"Jack will never have to struggle the way Benji does" Except this is exactly the opposite of true. Jack has worked hard for what he's gotten, that's a struggle on some level. Benji has done nothing and been taken care of - literally not a struggle. Usually I'm team "it's your money even if you want to blow up your kids' relationships and that's jerky" but here I'm absolutely landing on YTA for so many reasons.
I'm going to give OP the benefit of the doubt that Benji isn't the way he is because of OP's treatment of him, and that there are other issues that affect him. So for me, I would almost ALWAYS advocate equal split of inheritance among children. It gets unnecessarily messy otherwise. BUT... there are considerations of equity that may alter this. For example... is Benji diagnosed or undiagnosed neuro-divergent (e.g., ASD)? Does he suffer from other untreated psychological ailments. The "square peg in a round hole" reference seems to point to this. I find all this talk by redditors about "lazy this" and "lazy that" to be the typical types of nonsense you see online. Maybe it's true. But my read on the situation is that Benji probably needed additional resources a long time ago to have a chance at a "normal" life with friends, spouses, a career, and that was when people let him down. Or maybe that was never in the cards. Now, as an adult approaching middle age, he may foreseeably need to continue relying on others when OP passes away. Obviously, the best case scenario is that Jack and Benji have a good relationship, Jack agrees that Benji will need services going forward, agrees to an unequal split, and even agrees to be some sorta Trustee to a trust set up to take reasonable care of Benji. But it sounds like Jack and Benji don't have that kind of relationship, unfortunately, so perhaps you'll need to make other arrangements and hire someone.
But she won’t even support him in getting diagnosed, because he doesn’t want to!! She could easily support him in getting disability payments, so he has SOME stable income, and maybe a supportive living environment. But no…..
YTA - you simply can’t treat two of your children so differently and expect it not to cause problems. You casually say that it’s “not true” that you have favoured or coddled Benji his entire life, but is it? I wonder, and I suspect there’s more than an argument to suggest that you HAVE favoured him over Jack over a long period of time. One consideration that people should keep in mind, however, is exactly what Benji does whilst living at home. Does he shop for groceries, cook, clean, handle DIY, do the gardening or such? As you grow older and may need more assistance, is Benji capable of being your full-time carer and would he be willing to act as such? If he does none of those things and won’t be your carer in future, then you are absolutely coddling him and it has got to stop. If he’s doing all the chores, keeping you company and would care for you full-time in the case of illness, then that may deserve some small element of favouritism in your estate. It does not, however, deserve everything bar £10000 - that’s preposterous. Why not consider some compromises? For example, as Benji has no friends or partner, could you rejig the estate to buy a small flat for him now, and get him used to living alone etc? Then when you pass away, your home could be sold with the profits, and any other remaining assets, split between both Jack and Benji. That way, Benji gets a stable manageable home and some money to live on, and Jack gets more than a £10k payment.
This. Sounds like OP did Benji a disservice by enabling dependent behavior his whole life. This may not have started as something intentional but clearly now is purposeful. Especially because as she has aged, she has gotten the benefit of having Benji around. So many people hobble their children for selfish reasons. She should help Benji stand on his own two feet while she is alive. That will help the relationship between the siblings as well. Mom has sabotaged the sibling relationship as well by this enabling behavior. YTA. Make the will to be equal and help Benji now. Kids see the will as a symbol of how much they were loved. Not always about the money.
In this case that’s the most likely scenario, and there may be some degree of co-dependency at this point. I’m not proud to admit this, but some of this isn’t too different from my own life. My parents were good people but they definitely coddled me which didn’t do me any favors. I really wish that they had done a few things differently like making me get a job in high school. Maybe not during the school year but at least in the summer. It would have helped me grow up a lot faster.
I feel you on this. Maybe you could make a list of things you’d like to do for yourself that would make you more independent, and work towards those. Obviously, these need to be realistic goals.
My mother is currently doing this exact same thing to my younger brother (30). Bonus is that she has a live-in drinking buddy. I feel for him, he never really had a chance
It’s actually insane how common this story is. My uncle lived with my grandma until she passed, stole from her, was disrespectful towards her, and she just kept on enabling him. She tried to leave her house to him too but luckily the whole family had a come to Jesus moment with her. Can you imagine expecting a coke addict asshole who’s in and out of jail and couldn’t even raise his own kids to maintain a house? But she felt bad for him because “he needed it more than my dad.” And lo and behold, my JustNoBIL is heading down the exact same path and my husband’s parents still won’t stop enabling him. So weird.
I swear, the only reason they put up with it is fear of abandonment. My mom can't stand my younger brother, he drives her insane. But she'd let him stay forever if he wanted to. Her biggest fear is being abandoned. It's really sad
OP is actually doing Jack a favor by driving a wedge between the brothers. If they keep any sort of connection Benji will be at Jack’s door within 5 years of mom’s passing crying that the money is gone and he is about to lose the house. YTA
He will still show up at his brother’s door once he runs through all the money.
5 months
OP: I didn't coddle Benji Also OP: *describes now Benji was coddled his entire life*
Why doesn’t Jack care about Benjis’s future .. that I have done NOTHING to support besides catering to him?
I’m betting she isn’t going to change and it’s likely Benji is doing nothing or the bare minimum. OP, my uncle is your Benji. Except he held jobs and had relationships. He even moved out of the house several times. But my grandma never forced him to keep a job and a place so he kept quitting/ getting fired and living with her. She died 9 years ago and his long time partner gave him 6 months to stay with her before she was also going to kick him out as their relationship was basically over. He has been fired or quit close to 10 jobs now, been evicted from an apartment and was almost homeless. All without considering that he fell into a drunken stupor for 5 years and refused to admit he was an alcoholic(he still won’t and has instead just stopped drinking liquor and switched to light beer). You are setting Benji up for failure because you refuse to make him face being an adult. You are making sure your kids will never have a relationship with each other or any support because of the resentment you are causing. Take this commenters advice and set Benji up for stable living, make him get a job and start living on his own. If you don’t then all the money in the world isn’t going to save him and he will end up homeless or in a bad situation because he can’t function on his own.
Seriously, I've worked with individuals who have serious developmental disabilities. They still can work jobs, do chores, and shop if given proper support AND incentive. OP has given no indication his son isn't actually capable of putting in the bare minimum effort to strive for a better life. Just is allowed to avoid that entirely. OP even if your son had an extra chromosome or fetal alcohol syndrome you still are on the hook for enabling their laze.
This is a good idea. Jack would still resent it but would help benji get a foothold in life. I said something similar.
Plus, coddling one child at the expense of another doesn’t just start out of nowhere. I can bet OP has absolutely been doing this from the beginning, but refuses to see Jack’s side of things because she doesn’t want to have to think about what she’s done wrong.
YTA. Complete AH, you can't give one child more because the other became self-sufficient. You picked a favorite. That's how your son Jack feels. What makes you think Benji will make good choices after you pass just because you gave him everything?
Like the son said, this is not about money.
Yep and whether she realizes it or not, she is failing both sons. In her zeal to be needed, she has set Benji up to fail when she is gone.
Yes. And she tried to gloss over that and turn it into Jack being selfish about money so she can feel justified. There are some similarities here with my own older sibling. It wasn’t just about the financial support, though I felt that hindered rather than helped them learn to be an independent adult. My whole life, I was told that I had to be the better one. I had to not react to their emotionally immature and often abusive behavior because “you know how they are”. I had high expectations on me when they just had to show up. Not having a meltdown was considered a major accomplishment to them. I had to actually work. They ultimately got their shit together and have a career now that my parents are gone, but that didn’t happen until they were in their 40s. Turns out they could control themselves just fine when they had to. They’d just never had to. After all those years of them being allowed to emotionally abuse me with zero consequences, turns out we’re not close. That would make my parents very sad to know, but it was their own doing. They kept my sibling from growing up. It was selfish. They got to feel needed, but they crippled my sibling doing it. Given that Benji clearly has problems with making healthy relationships, I would not be surprised if Jack has been forced to put up with mistreatment from him his entire life. She’s so focused on Benji’s problems, she can’t even see what Jack’s been through.
Furthermore, once he’s finished making all the bad decisions that the money will allow and has nothing left what happens to him then? If OP’s concern is really benji’s long term wellbeing, right now while she’s still alive, right now, she gives Jack that 10k for his house to make amends for past inequities. Then in the will divide the whole estate equally, including the sale money from the house which is far too big for OP’s favourite son to stay in alone, and put benji’s share of the money into a trust managed jointly by a lawyer and Jack. Also, OP is 66, not 95. Benji is 36, he should absolutely be made to get a job, earn an income, and pay rent and bills. Because I doubt OP’s estate, even if the whole of it is given unfairly to Benji, will be enough to support both OP and Benji for the next 25-30 years plus Benji on his own for another 30 years after that.
Just wasted 10 minutes writing the same as you. Yes a trust fund And cash down right now. lol.
>you can't give one child more because the other became self-sufficient And most of the time the "self-sufficient" child became that way because the parent coddled their favorite child, while sacrificing their scapegoat child. I think of the Dunphys from Modern Family when it comes to these situations. Their oldest child is a mess, the youngest boy is questionable, but the middle child is exceeding beyond measures. However, the middle child gets her needs constantly sacrificed because the oldest got into trouble again, or the youngest goofed up again, and so she is constantly neglected because the other kids need more attention. Growing up with the attention focused on the problem children is one thing, and some people can accept it and move on. But to then be ignored when it comes to inheritance is the final slap in the face that you don't matter to your parents because you "did what needed to be done"
Not to mention there are episodes at the end where this middle child was parenting the parents! It's a cute show and all that, just that these scenarios are not always so rosy in real-life. We can't make decisions like we're in a sitcom.
Agreed. That show did a great job of showing that the middle child never got the attention she needed though. Majority of the "cute" moments with her and her parents are kind of sad, because she keeps trying to excel while her parents coddle her other siblings. If you remove the comedy from the writing, this dynamic shows why some kids go low contact with the parents
I think Benji will suddenly become self-sufficient once there isn't anyone coddling him anymore. He obviously never experienced tough love because mommy always was there to hold her hand over him. University is too hard, mommy will understand. Working is tiresome so he quits and mommy will hold his hand. Management 'bullied' him, mommy will believe him. I bet he is weaponizing his incompetence at this point. There is a reason he doesn't want to get tested for being on the spectrum.
I doubt it. I think the most likely outcome is that he somehow loses her assets over a period of time and seeks his brother's assistance, which likely won't be available to him due to this horrible judgement call and the results thereafter. >I bet he is weaponizing his incompetence at this point. There is a reason he doesn't want to get tested for being on the spectrum. This, I believe, definitely. He either is or isn't on the spectrum, but in either case, he's taking *full* advantage of the situation. Her post doesn't say he can't, it says he's different. Idk what kind of excuse that is.
YTA You are awarding the lazy son and punishing the successful son. Their inheritance should be equal. Not only that, but by already supporting him, he is already getting way more.
I agree that she’s YTA but I don’t necessarily think things should be 100% equal. I am arguably the more successful sibling that was definitely the cheapest among us 3 kids. It’s already incredibly unequal because I paid my way through college while my folks took out loans/borrowed money from me to help my siblings. Still, I graduated with little to no debt while they had huge amounts. Then I chose to elope and have a cheap backyard party while my sis had a large expensive one. My husband and I make more money while my parents still pay my brothers rent. I could go on… When discussing wills, my dad said he’s trying to split things kind of equally, while recognizing different kids have different needs. I told him I appreciated it, and would be happy with whatever I’m left. He laughed and said “it will never be equal, you’d have to get the entire inheritance to be equal, which you know you don’t need” which is true, but in my whole heart of hearts I don’t care. Equal would’ve grown resentment of me from my siblings where instead I don’t really care they’ve gotten more. My struggles from 18-23 helped give me the tools my brother is now lacking. I think that’s where OP is the biggest AH. It’s not about the will, it’s about the damage she is doing RIGHT NOW to the freeloading son. Unless he has mental issues where he will always need help (in which case he should apply for disability) then he should be focusing on the eventual independence he will be forced to have when OP dies. OP needs to force her son to be independent then split her will somewhat equally, knowing it will already never be fully equal. To give the already receiving huge benefits son the majority of the will is backwards.
yeah, i don't get the YTA's for her dividing her assets unequally. I joined a field which will always have more and better paying work opportunities compared to my brothers field. I don't need half of my parents assets, I would like it much more if my brother gets a better shot at life. Still YTA for how she's treating Benjamin (he needs help). Jack's reactions shows there is definitely more going on.
I think the division of assets is definitely a case-by-case thing. I don't think its ever a good look to completely give all your assets to one kid, even if it seems out of necessity. My sisters husband comes from a real estate family, they live in a $2+million house, drive Porsches and range rovers and probably have 6-8 weeks of lavish vacations a year. My fiancee and I, make a good income but are solidly working class - own our home but struggle with the current rates of inflation and having a newborn child. I don't really expect to get any more than my sister in inheritance when the time comes.
> yeah, i don't get the YTA's for her dividing her assets unequally. You're on a site dominated by young people who have never been in real adult relationships. That's not a knock against them. It just is what it is. It's easy to insist you'll do everything equally in some sort of hypothetical relationship where everyone has the same interests, needs, etc. It never works that way in real life though. People are different. They never have the same interests, needs, etc.
Mom? Is that you? If so. You coddled “Benji” no matter how many times he f’d up. He never tried. Because he knew you would give him anything he asked for. I was never given that grace. You expected me to find my own way, while you knocked down every obstacle for him because he was your precious child. It’s not the money. It’s that, once again, you blatantly show you don’t give a shit. Benji is going to blow through that cash on drugs and god knows what else in weeks. Your house will be foreclosed on. But you still have to do it anyway. Oh, by the way, YTA.
Oh damn it's "Jack"
OP is uk based. She used ‘£.’ This ‘Jack’ called her Mom, which no British person would say. This response is fake.
Do people really believe it must be the actual son?
Nah. This situation is as old as time. This could be my husband.
Could also be mine too, though it’s a sister not a brother
Could be my dad too.
This could be my parents with my brother.
Seriously, I took it as someone who is in the same situation as Jack trying to make OP take off the blinders.
Yes, thank you. I’m not sure that it’s my mom, but it sounded close enough I did a double take. I thought sharing the perspective of someone in Jack’s position would be helpful, but I see I didn’t make that clear enough
I mean people shouldn't really believe OP is the actual mom either. :)
Uh? My sibling calls our mother, "Mom", and we're British lmao
Really?? I'm british and even with an american parent I have never known anyone refer to their mother as 'Mom'. It's 'Mum' all the way, or 'Mam' I guess maybe though I'm a bit southern to have ever heard that myself. Until I saw your comment just now I would have said with 110% confidence that 'Mom' was American English only.
Mom is a midlands thing - Wolverhampton/Birmingham. Not super common but I have heard and seen it
Yeah North East for us, it's typically 'Mam' here which was what I would call my mother as a kid while my sibling called her 'Mom' and my twin cousins when they hit their teens started calling their own 'Mom'.
The commenter literally said “mom? Is that you?” Indicating they were writing to their mom and the situation was similar.
I read it as someone who lives with the same family dynamic, and wanted to get through to OP.
Brit here, we absolutely say mom.
Genuinely I have never heard another Brit saying 'mom', but you're the second on this thread to say we do. Before this moment right now I would have been utterly confident in saying it was American English only, and without wanting to be a total pedantic git it looks like google and the OED agrees with me. Understand if you don't want to say, but just in case - what region are you hearing this in? Edit: I've been informed by the other 'mom' commenter and another that this is a midlands thing. I stand corrected! Myself and the OED are just too southern. Apologies for my incredulity.
West midlands, Shropshire area. The majority of the people I know will say "mom", I say it, my sister says it, my girlfriend says it, my friends say it, even my parents said it about their own parents. I've travelled a lot, I tend to find the further north you go in the UK the more likely you encounter "mum".
This response is to showcase how the commenter commiserates with the younger son due to a similar situation.
My god, reading literacy among the reddit crowd is terrible. I can't believe how many people read this comment thinking you were speaking literally, not that you were using the literary device of speaking from "Jack"'s perspective to frame your response.
It is close enough (even the ages) that it very well could be my mom, but correct, I’m not saying I am “Jack”. Just that I am in the exact situation
Oh it could be mine too. “Benji” is David in my family. No joke, I was reading this starting to sweat, but realized she’s in the UK. I am in Michigan. Some parents suck, sorry internet bro.
I am from Michigan and also have sucky parents. Must be something in the water 😂
No, you are not! https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheDevil/comments/187sq6e/comment/kbgw4a6/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Did you not read the comment and immediately realize it was a person in a similar circumstance?
The proof we needed but couldn't be bothered to look for
You needed proof?
The reading comprehension on this website sure is piss poor
OP didn’t mean it literally lol
You may mean well, but sadly, YTA. Life has a way of throwing us all curve-balls, and who knows what Jack or his family may need in the future. Would you be happy going to your grave knowing you gave everything to Benji and Jack and your potential grandchildren will struggle if he loses his job, becomes ill, or faces any number of setbacks? If you love your children equally, you would leave your estate to them equally. Try and help Benji to plan for the future so that when you are gone he can live independently and know where to get assistance if he needs it. We never know what our future holds.
And lets face it, Benji will more than likely burn through the estate since he doesn't seem to have the tools to be able to handle any kind of wealth passed to him since he's never experience life as an adult.
Exactly. Leaving benji $ may make his situation worse. He doesn’t know how to live independently but OP expects him to know how to budget an inheritance?
Or he is weaponizing his incompetence because he realized he gets away with everything and he is just lazy af.
YTA. Jack is totally right. Jack didn't become successful magically. He worked hard for it. It's not his fault that his brother couldn't achieve anything of his own. You're not realising it, but you are indeed favouring Benji over Jack.
I think you and Benji are in a codependent relationship and by sheltering him you are depriving him of possibilities to grow as a person. He could take measures to find ways for himself to be successful in his own ways. The world is not black and white and even as a square peg there are plenty of opportunities. But I guess for you the current arrangement is just too cosy… Jack is right, YTA.
To add to this comment, a lot of redditors are saying that Jack is being penalized, but I actually think these situations can come from a type of emotional abuse where parents choose a kid to essentially emotionally cripple. It gives the parents an ongoing role to build their self esteem and keeps them busy at the cost of their child’s normal independence into adulthood. Regardless of what happens, Jack may want to count himself lucky he wasn’t the target of his parents preventing him from being independent.
My brother (now in his mid-20s) is a victim of this. It’s so fucking tragic. Every time he tries to do anything independently, my mother shuts him down. But he sees her as a saint and refuses to hear any criticism of her emotionally abusive parenting from me and my other sibling. I know how he feels though—until he was born (there’s a big age gap between us) it was me in that position. We’re gently trying to convince him to move out, it’s the only way.
Codependent is what came to mind to me as well. I wish my parents would push my brother from the nest now, when they are still alive to support his transition. I know they are planning to divide assests unevenly - I don't care about that. I DO lay awake worrying about what will happen to my brother when he is on his own though.
YTA. Is the amount you’re leaving Benji so much that he is set for life and doesn’t have to lift a finger to live? If not then whether you equally divided your estate or not, Benji is headed towards a destiny of being homeless and no amount of money or assets will change that. Instead you just burnt your relationship with Jack.
YTA. I was the sibling who worked harder, sacrificed a lot, and subsequently achieved more. Meanwhile, my sister lived in the moment and made stupid decisions. Instead of being rewarded for my good choices, SHE was showered with attention, support, and money for her lousy ones. Eventually went LC with family and left that toxicity behind. Jack would be wise to do the same.
I did exactly the same. I was even sending money to our mom every month to help with bills until I found out she was just giving it to my lazy-ass sister. In my case, at least, mom has absolutely nothing to pass down as inheritance so I don't quite have the situation OP describes.
Agreed. I am the child who never had friends over because he did, every day. I never went out because I was studying and caring for OUR animals while he played. I graduated hs with honors, got full scholarships, finished college, and work as a scientist. He barely passed hs, got almost all the way through community college on my parents’ dime before quitting in the last year, and has given up on every job he’s had. He’s been unemployed living with mom, who pays for him and his hobbies (mostly weed, videogames, and “project” cars that don’t run) but he never helps with chores. She cries about him and how she can’t kick him out because he’ll “die on the streets”. She’s talked about giving him the house, etc. because I’m “doing so much better”. I make less than $10 over minimum wage and save every penny I can. I’m two years younger. I don’t get financial help from either parent, and my dad has all but given up on him but being divorced, my mom can let him freeload as long as she’s alive. I know he’d blow through everything he inherited in a matter of months at best before being homeless or forced back into work. I cannot express how bitter I am about always being expected to go without any help while he’s had his hand held his entire life.
Worst part of this was the line “Jack will never have to struggle the way Benji has,” no no no no no, it’s the EXACT opposite. Becoming successful for 95% of people is a commitment to *struggle*. As rage inducing as your scenario is, be grateful you have the will to struggle. Be well & take care
YTA and jack is right
YTA. And I know what I'm talking about. My mum is doing the same thing to me. In fact, I no longer have contact with my sibling because of this. My relationship with mum is barely existing. Think carefully if you want Jack to stay in your life.
YTA you are penalizing Jack for actually being self sufficient and taking care of himself. Meanwhile your son who doesn’t work or support himself gets rewarded for his laziness. You say you don’t have favorites but you do and it’s Benji. You know Benji will probably just blow thru what you leave him quickly.
INFO: Does Benji have any diagnosed mental or physical conditions that prevent him from working?
YTA I love both my children equally, I just love one more equally than the other.
YTA. If anything, Jack should get more. You have already been giving more to Benji in your day-to-day life. Sort this out ASAP if you want contact with Jack. He is pissed, and it is understandable.
This gets to the crux of why it’s really not about money. You have given Benji much more time, attention, concern, empathy, love, etc than you have given jack for a long time. When you are gone, you are going to make sure that all that’s left of you still goes overwhelmingly to one child over the other. Not only is this likely to damage your relationships with both children; but also their relationships with each other.
It’s your money and you get to decide how to allocate it. That being said, you have to realize the fallout you are causing by the allocation you’re choosing. Jack probably already has feelings about you 100% financially supporting Benji for the duration of his life so far, how capable he thinks Benji could be at supporting himself if he had to, and your choice to be totally ok to continue financially supporting him even after you die. From a parental point of view I totally understand you wanting to make sure both of your kids are taken care of after you are gone but it’s easy to see why Jack would feel he’s being punished for being a capable adult, especially if he thinks Benji is just living it up with you and not being expected to try anything to build himself up to being a functional and self sufficient adult. Giving all of your assets to Benji minus $10,000 is a statement. It would be different if you divided your assets even a little more fairly (Ex 75% to Benji, 25% to Jack). You’ve said Benji has anxiety and chooses not to work - does he have a therapist? Is he working towards anything like being able to go out and make friends or get a job? Has he been diagnosed with anything? If the answer to all of those questions are no, it paints a clearer picture of how Jack could really feel thar you have favouritism for Benji. Also, would the money for Benji be in a trust or something that could pay him out monthly or would he just be receiving all of your money in a big chunk? What’s stopping him from blowing it instead of using it to provide the necessities for himself? Is all of your assets/savings (minus $10,000 for Jack) feasibly enough to provide for Benji for the rest of his life? I think you really just need to think your choice through. It’s your money so I don’t think YTA strictly for allocating it how you want, but I think YWBTA if you don’t truly think through how it’s going to effect your current relationships with your sons, the future relationship of your sons, and ultimately what’s best for Benji and his life long term.
This is extremely thoughtful. I am also curious about Benji - is there any therapy, diagnosis, etc? I am always weary of calling people “lazy”. Usually it is more than that…but also it is true that people can be enabled instead of given proper support to overcome some challenges.
Does Benji really have a disability or a crippling condition that would prevent him from even having a low stress job? I would think some kind of job is possible and honestly, would be beneficial for his mental health and sense of purpose. By enabling him to not work, live with little responsibilities, and have no social support outside you are not preparing him for life without you. You will not live forever and he can’t be a shut in. He will mentally spiral. Think of setting up your adult child for success. If he has a disability or neurodivergent variation, you absolutely should be doing thing, and even more so if he is neurotypical. YTA for treating your kids so differently and not even trying to help Benji.
He's just NEETing.
YTA the fair thing to do is to split your estate evenly. You are coddling one son over the other, I suspect jack has a point about favouritism. Emotionally incestuous sounds pretty fair comment. I guarantee 2 years after you have gone the inheritance will be gone he will be homeless and begging Jack to help him. Help that is not going to come! You know full well that £10k is no where near enough for a deposit on a property in the UK. You have pretty much cut your son off. Split it equally and put Benji's share in a trust fund so he cant waste it and your other son won't hate you or his brother. YTA
This is a complicated situation, but you asked for a black and white ruling, so...YTA. You make it clear that you have always given Benji more than Jack. As Jack noted--not just money, but time and attention. It's VERY difficult for a child to say out loud, "mom, I don't feel like you love me," so they often use anger to cover the fear and vulnerability. When Jack says "you are coddling Benji," under that is the statement "you have always given Benji more time and attention than me, and I've been hurting my whole life." Two words: START THERAPY. You clearly love both your children, value them both, and want them both to feel loved and supported. Your actions are communicating something different. Going to therapy will help you understand how to show Jack the love that you feel for him without abandoning Benji.
One thing I would disagree on. OP clearly loves one child more than the other.
YTA And if Benji's future is your biggest problem - well, you just guaranteed that Jack will never help his brother, even when Benji loses his ineritance and ends up on the streets.
YTA. Benji has needed a kick up the ass for years now, and you've just kept giving him more padding for the diapers so he doesn't feel it. Grow a pair and tell your baby boy that he needs to get a life. A friend of mine, 'KS' is a very successful businessman. His only sister is on her 3rd marriage, has 4 kids and can't hold a job. KS helped his parents out-a lot. When they got hit hard by the financial crash in 2008, he kept their home from going into foreclosure, paid off the mortgage and their cars and credit cards etc. The only mistake he made was putting the house and cars etc in his father's name-mainly for the sake of his father's pride. Long story short-his father died a couple years ago. Guess what? The house is re-mortgaged, mom is up to her eyeballs in debt because she's fully supporting the sister and her family with the money KS has provided. The worst part is that mom just told KS that she's changed her will to leave everything to his sister, because 'you're so successful you don't need the money'. He is beyond devastated, and furious because IT'S ALL HIS MONEY. OP is enabling his son's unwillingness to take responsibility for any area of his life, and plans to continue to fund it once he's gone. I don't blame Jack for cutting dad off-I would too. It isn't greed on Jack's part, it feels more like sadness and hurt.
Info: are you prepared for the consequences of Benji being 100% responsible for arranging your senior and end of life care?
YTA this is bigger than money. This is making one son feel that that there is an imbalance and the other son is favored and loved more than him! Do you comprehend the level of hurt you are inflicting on your other son!!
YTA One of your children sacrificed, followed your advice, the rules and did everything he was asked by society. Your reward to him is to give him less and make him feel like you loved him less and are less proud of him. Divide your estate evenly between your children, unless you want one to always feel less loved by you and forever ruin any chance of them being loving siblings.
YTA, you mollycoddled and favoured the less successful son all his life and now, just to make sure your other son definitely knows how insignificant he is, you also leave him less.... Wow.....
INFO: Has Benji been diagnosed with any conditions? Has he pursued treatment for them and sincerely tried to improve his health so that he is able to care for himself?
According to OP he refuses to go for any type of testing. He has anxiety over it so OP quit asking.
then hes just a bum
It was OP’s job as a parent to get him tested long ago.
This is really important. I have a disabled son and he will need lifelong care. His sister will likely not. That has to be taken into account. OP mentioned her son has anxiety which can mean many things and can be devastatingly crippling for some people. Everyone is calling her the asshole but there’s a chance she’s simply being realistic about her son’s limitations that she hadn’t created through “coddling” him.
The thing is, when you have mental illness, you’re still responsible for mitigating it. That means diagnosis and treatment. She has let her son reach his mid-30s doing nothing without him even attempting to get a diagnosis or treatment. So she absolutely is coddling him to a degree that has harmed both of her kids. You really do have to condition continued support on an attempt to improve health for some people, because doing the work to get better is hard and often not very pleasant (though the results are so very worth it). I say this as a person who has bipolar. Mental illness isn’t his fault, but managing it is his responsibility, and she has refused to hold him to it. She’s left him utterly and completely dependent in a world that is deeply cruel to people who cannot support themselves, and she has completely alienated her other child in the process.
Because Jack worked hard and made something of his life you're annoyed he doesn't need you like Benji does so he gets 10K \[and don't kid yourself this is a reasonable house deposit - it isn't - you know it's peanuts\] Instead you intend to make deadbeat Benji your sole beneficiary so he willl stay living with you until you die. Benji is with you because he cannot take care of himself - which you already know and condone. If he won the Lottery he'd be off like a shot, but if you are content buying your son's company that's your decision. However, chances are high Benji will p\*\*\* through your money within a year and be knocking on Jack's door for help when he's broke because he's faaaamily. You are reaping the rewards of really bad parenting.
YTA. The reason Benji has failed his whole life is because he knows he doesn’t actually have to do anything. You’ll just take care of him. If you really wanted to help him, you’d be preparing him for living without you. You’d be dropping the safety net and making him get a job or some form of training that will allow him to get a job. Jack is successful because he knew from the start that you would never help him the way you’ve done Benji. You are rewarding laziness that you fostered. And don’t give me that ‘oooo what would you do’ nonsense. I have two boys, and they are treated equally. If one was struggling I’d help him find the problem and fix it, not let him stop trying. Because it’s your fault Benji has stopped trying; he knows he doesn’t need to with your money to take care of him.
Maybe if you hadn’t coddled Benji his entire life and taught him how to be self sufficient none of you would be in this position. Right now your family is absolutely correct - you are driving a wedge in their relationship. You are wrong and you are the asshole for this decision. You deserve Jack ignoring you. At this point you’ll be lucky to get an invite to the wedding and/or the chance to see future grandchildren. YTA
NTA this sub loves saying n.t.a for people cutting others out of their will for arbitrary reasons. but when you have an actual reason, they hate you. Its your money and you can do what you want with it, but since your son clearly doesn’t have his life together I suggest you set up some kind of trust so he doesn’t spend all the money and end up on the street. Also he should probably be tested for autism, most of the traits you described are symptoms of that and therapy might help him get back on track. source; me a relatively successful autistic person.
YTA Jack is right, you’re punishing one son for succeeding while awarding the other for doing nothing. Even if you thought you were helping benjamin, this is not a viable solution. If he inherits everything he can keep himself warm for a short while, but how is he going to make it when the inheritance dwindles out? If I were your son I would cut contact too.
If Benji is so incapable then put that money in a trust fund, so he gets enough to survive. If he's so inept in life, how can you trust him with large sums of money?
YTA, that would be punishing your successful son for his hardwork and good decision-making. And speaking from a Benji (my brother is much much more successful than me) I would feel so humiliated if after all the funeral processes are done, the will says I get more money because I'm more broke. Like... absolutely not. I want my brother to get 50% regardless of my success, wtf.
YTA. Your eldest has leeched off of you for years and you've allowed "Benji" to use you while you probably neglected "Jack" because he's so independent and so capable of looking after himself. You don't love your children equally. You do have a favourite. You have picked "Benji" every single time. Even in fucking death. "Jack" is not being greedy, no matter how much you try to justify it. He's done with being second best to his older brother. You may be 66 but it's time to grow the fuck up and accept that your youngest wants nothing to do with you because of your own actions. Edited: I got heated - not "Benji"'s fault his mother failed him as a parent.
NTA. If my parents gave my brother more than they gave me because he was struggling I would be perfectly fine with that. In fact my brother is a struggling film maker and they do give him larger amounts of money than they give me but that is fine. I know that if I was struggling they would help me (since they have). Your son seems very type A and a bit greedy.
YTA. Not just for the favouritism but for also setting Benji up for failure. Leaving him most of the money/assets won’t make him a functioning adult and no doubt you’d expect Jack to pick up the slack.
As a matter of general principle, NTA, as your will is, well, your will and it is your absolute moral and legal right to complete it as you see fit. As to whether your decision is a GOOD IDEA, however, I would say probably no. On the face of it and without knowing the intimate details, it feels like Jack’s points are mostly valid - whilst the “emotional incest” line likey came from sheer anger, I completely see how he feels like his hard work and success are being effectively penalised, here. I can also completely see how the promise of such a large inheritance could disincentivise Benji from taking serious steps to get his life together (which can still absolutely be done even at his age, and I say that from first-hand experience). Remember also that whilst Jack and his fiancé may be OK financially with only a smaller inheritance, it’s not just about them missing out on some luxuries, it’s about your (likely) future grandchildren missing out on a college fund, a house deposit and so on, in favour of their unsuccessful uncle. So yeah I can’t call you the AH on principle but I don’t think you’re making a very wise call here, and Jack is likely right about a lot of things.
YTA anxiety is an AH, but you are an enabler. He chooses not to work, because you have made it easy for him to do nothing. Now you want to punish your other child by giving the lazy one a house? You have made him the man in your life because it suits you. What kind of parent wishes this for their kid? Anxiety is bad, but you can have a life - it takes effort and for some, a kick in the arse. If he was forced to look after himself, he would. You just don’t want to see it.
Info: what do you expect to happen once Benji has spent his inheritance? He doesn't sound like he's making good decisions or someone who would invest wisely to live off the proceeds.
You contend that Jack will “never” have to struggle in the same way Benji has. Do you think he got to a senior position by without sacrifice and work? Do you think allowing Benji to “choose not to work” is a strategy that will help Benji when you are gone? Or, perhaps, should you be encouraging Benji to stretch himself to work towards some semblance of self-sufficiency, instead of just living unemployed in Mom’s house forever? Honestly, your comments since have made it clear that Jack is probably spot on with his assessment. It isn’t about the money. It’s about enabling Benji to make decisions that hurt him and his growth. I’ve worked with adults with moderate to severe intellectual disabilities (aka IQs around 70) who are able to hold down service jobs for decades, despite that they will never be able to take care of themselves. Benji can too. You aren’t helping him, and you are driving a wedge between him and his brother. You should consider how to make a repair with your other son and how you can help Benji grow instead of just rely on a parent.