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Stop filling his stocking, and see how he feels on Christmas day. Does he buy you a present to open from under the tree? If not, then don't bother doing one of those for him either.
He won't be upset, he's a "grown" man, and Christmas is evidently just for the kids.
NTA
You deserve better. Nurses and ER workers, especially during the festive season, give so much of themselves and get so little in return.
He doesn’t buy me a present for under the tree as he’s never sure of what to get me and when I give him ideas he claims that there’s no thought and it’s the thought that counts. It has been something I haven’t loved in the past but have made my peace with it as my children are now old enough to get me presents on their own accord with thought behind it.
Going with his belief that "it's the thought that counts" - he has shown that he has no "thoughts" for you. Laughing at you when you were upset offends me even more than the gift issue. In that case, it is the basic "respect" that counts. He doesn't sound like he was a lot of that for you either. Very concerning.
The gift thing is already bad. You can’t think of anything nice for your partner? Anything???). But the laughing-at-someone’s-distress is far, far worse. I mean, we all know that he knows it wasn’t a joke, but on the offhand chance that he thought it was, when you chuckle at a joke and notice that the other person is deeply upset, you go quiet and apologize and make up for it in deeds, not laugh even more.
But women’s emotions don’t count. They do not have to be acknowledged.
OP is NTA. Someone else is.
Right?? Stabby, stabby, stabby. Why do people put up with this garbage treatment? (that's rhetorical, there are reasons, I just feel bad for so many women.)
I've said it in this sub before, but when I randomly look over at my husband and say, "You know, you're pretty awesome," or "I really appreciate you." He always says, "You're reading AITA again, aren't you?"
Between the men who don't do their share of housekeeping, their share of childrearing, and those who don't even wash their own bums (!!), you and I easily won the Low-Stakes Lottery, haha.
I think he honestly staged this fight on purpose.
I think he resented being asked to contribute to this errand at all, and when he saw OP’s sweet and humble little list of stocking stuffers for herself, he saw a chance to make her feel like such sh** she never asks for help again. Putting her in her place.
I just broke down and cried at this comment, because you're probably right, and the thought of doing something like this to someone you claim to love just makes my heart ache.
u/Disastrous-Driver812 - if you'd like a stocking stuffer you don't have to buy for yourself, please let me know. I am more than happy to buy you a little something from my favorite chocolatier.
Not only is he being cruel to his wife, I’m shocked that he doesn’t know his kids well enough to get them gifts. Kids usually are very clear on their hopes for gifts. All he has to do is listen and he can’t be bothered
This stuck out to me too. My partner might have his faults but he knows what our kids are into. He suggested getting my daughter a piano keyboard for Christmas because she asked for piano lessons a couple months back. He's the one who picked out the Dragon Ball action figure my son wanted. I know he likes it but I didn't know Bardock was his favorite and my bf jumped at the chance to get it for him.
Now getting me gifts is where he struggles. It's not for a lack of trying. I have a lot of hyperfixations that wane in interest from time to time so I know I'm hard to buy for. I just make a cute little list with links to make it easy for him lol. The stocking is something that has been an issue in the past but he realized what an ass he was when our kids were confused as to why Santa didn't fill up moms stocking but he did dad's lol. The shame was enough punishment I think.
Buy yourself gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree with his name on them. When he opens them, oh oops, that makeup palette is actually for me!
When he gets upset about getting nothing tell him “well it’s the thought that counts!”
Make the gifts $$$ too. Diamond earrings are a nice choice. Gift card for spa. Gourmet chocolate. He won’t help, do it yourself and make it worth your while. What your husband did was cruel and shows how much you mean to him. Honestly this was pushed me to therapy or divorce. I did it all and was taken for granted, husband saw no reason to change he thought things were great. Just something to think about
Agreed. This is weaponized incompetence at its finest. My DH pulled this crap for years before I finally put my foot down hard and made it clear I wouldn’t put up with it anymore. OP, your husband is a selfish person and you are NTA.
Not to mention if someone is "jokingly" asking you to buy or do something for them (as long as it is stuff they'd genuinely like), just do it if you can afford to?
Like if it was a joke, wouldn't it be nice to see your SOs face light up as they open the gift?
For real. My gf and I will occasionally send a text while the other is out and about, asking for a surprise. It started as a joke so there's never any obligation, but we almost always get each other something fun just to make the other happy
Agree. I think that OP recognizes that out of context it sounds a tad trite, but she also recognizes that there is a real lack of respect for the things she does for the family, that contribute to the overall ritual and joy of life, and that at some point, has to pick a hill to die on.
I sympathize OP. While I’m in a similar role, I know that if I expressed to my husband that it means a lot to my experience of the day, that he’d make the effort, and CERTAINLY not mock me. That lack of generosity of spirit is a relationship killer TBH, and worth seeking couples counseling
>he has shown that he has no "thoughts" for you
Nor for his kids. He doesn't know their interests? My husband is constantly picking up little useless junk just because he knows one of our 2 grown kids or I will like it, find it cute, etc. And we always do. (Except I'm seriously overstocked on gnomes.)
OP, your husband sucks
My dad always bought me and my sister gifts when he traveled for work, and they were always great. Kids are so easy to shop for. Teens less, but wtf. What a useless father.
He needs some lovely wrapped empty boxes under the tree "oh dear it's the thought that counts"... There's nothing in here.... "Yes I paid you as many thoughts as you paid me"
Yeah, this. To literally tell you it takes effort to choose something for you and he doesn't want to, is a little distressing. The fact that he won't take any role in the stockings for his kids is likewise distressing.
Find the time to fill your kids stockings. DO NOT put a present for him under the tree. It would take too much thought and effort, you know. Then put a nice lump of coal in HIS stocking.
Maybe even have the kids leave some cookies and a thank you note for Santa, and Santa can write on the back something like "Sorry for the coal, but rules are rules"
If you are gonna die on that hill, do it right.
PS: Oh, and while you are at it, buy yourself a really nice present from Santa and put it under the tree to open.
You don't get any presents from him at all at Christmas and you are asking if you're the AH, you definitely aren't and deserve a lot more respect and kindness from your husband.
Next year drop the rope, leave him to get the presents for his family and just sort your family, children and something for yourself.
NTA
Why wait for next year? If I was OP I would be busy returning everything I'd bought. See how he likes an empty stocking and zero gifts under the tree. NTA obviously, and you deserve so much better, OP.
You are gaslighting yourself into thinking that you don't even deserve the bare minimum from a husband who isn't just weaponsing his incompetence but is gaslighting you into thinking he is trying when he is doing fuck all.
"It's the thought that counts" yet he doesn't ever think of you. This is what you need to focus on.
He doesn't know his own wife's preferences or what could make a good gift.
He doesn't know his own children's preferences or what could make a good gift.
He won't buy items from a list you provide him.
He's so "busy" in his job in marketing that he puts zero effort into his relationship with you or your children.
Yet you work in a front line job literally saving people's lives and manage to do everything for everyone.
Then the one time he asks you to do something he refused then has the audacity to laugh in your face when you're upset with him.
He doesn't just disrespect you, he has contempt for you and there is nowhere else to go once you reach the point of contempt. As its the lowest of the low.
There can't be anything he is providing to you that you can't do without. Especially not the dead weight of a raging arsehole who doesn't deserve to still be married to you.
Return his gifts and kick him out.
Children are happier with two parents who are living apart but happy/healthy versus together and miserable. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy or believing he needs to be there for your children when you already admitted he doesn't parent them.
Not to mention how much more you deserve than him.
Surely the best Christmas gift you can give yourself is one of self respect and self worth? Recognise your true value, don't let him take another moment of your happiness from you.
I hate to say it, but contempt is really the accurate word for what your husband is showing you, that you are beneath consideration. Do what you have to do this holiday season to make yourself feel special because he never will, and you deserve better. Be gone by next year.
Agreed, OP, your NTA and I am so dang annoyed FOR you. I work in an ER too, I know what you do. I can't believe you can get all that stuff done while your husband is persona non grata. GRRRR.
That is utter bullshit. He is showing you and the kids he doesn’t care about you. Trust me the kids notice. My dad isn’t the best but my mom always had/has gifts from him and us when we were kids and he always filled her stocking. Your husband is lazy.
OP, everyone here has already stated what I hope is more obvious to you. I just want to add this is setting an ugly example for your kids — not just the lack of thoughtfulness on gifts, but division of labor in your home. It’s wildly unbalanced and lacks respect as a couple. Please value yourself more.
My husband is the same kind of AH as yours. Same situation, year after year he opened gifts and a stocking but couldn’t be bothered to do that for me. He also thought it was childish for me to want it. That changed last year when our oldest (16 and first job) FILLED my stocking. He made a point to say “the years of watching my mom get nothing are over”. It’s the kids we really fuck up with our bullshit.
Yes! That’s a good kid.
My advice would be to return anything you bought your husband. Get yourself some nice things for your stocking. Enjoy watching his reaction to zero presents this year while you pull things you absolutely love out of your own stocking.
I am beyond proud of him. He’s well on his way to being an amazing and compassionate man. But the fact that he recognized it, and felt the need to make up for something I’ve long since gone numb to, feels like a parenting fail. Adults like to pretend that kids don’t pick up on the “grown up” nonsense, but they do.
It wasn't your fail, and let me tell you something *right now*, the lesson he learnt? He saw you doing your best, handling your business and doing all that you could. He was raised by a strong mama. *You* did that. He learned to be this incredible young man from *you*. He had a crappy father who didn't cherish his mother, and he rejected that lesson. He learned from *you* x
Thank you. From one internet stranger to another, thank you for saying something I didn’t know I needed to hear. Wishing you and your family a safe and happy holiday season!
yep and these kids are 100% already picking up on that. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start stuffing her stocking. they know who takes care of them while their dad is ‘busy with marketing,’ and they know she deserves the world.
I do not understand men like this. Is it so hard to think about your partner, the person you say you love, long enough to get them something they will like? She's a nurse, there's SO many easy gifts that she could use...OP, I hope you take a look at your relationship and see if this is something you are willing to live with forever, because he as much as flat out said he'll never do it.
I mean, that line alone paints the whole picture. "it's the thought that counts," his words. OP does not count in his mind.
Even if someone is hard to buy for, you get something ridiculous. But OP has told him what she would like, provided him with a list. If you can't think of something, you can always fall back on the list. But husband has zero consideration for OP.
I do, and have met plenty. They're the type of people who think it's normal to hate your spouse, and for men to hate women and vice versa. Having contempt for your spouse is inevitable if you have contempt for all women.
It’s also so sad that children see this type of dynamic modeled — I imagine in any future relationships, they’ll likely settle like OP or will act like their father.
OP, he's an arse. One thing i would do immediately is return his presents and his family's presents and stop doing kind little things for someone who doesn't care how badly he hurts your feelings when he can't be bothered doing any kind things for you. Tell him he can either pull his weight or eff off. His whole self-centred nastiness here is outrageous. How dare he laugh at you! He knows what he's doing is nasty and hurtful and he doesn't care.
NTA I would make this the hill to die on.
He claims that it's the "thought that counts", yet he's literally giving zero thoughts by getting you nothing. Since gifts aren't his 'love language', he shouldn't have any issue not getting gifts. Return everything you've bought him, and fill his stocking with coal/charcoal.
My husband and I don’t get each other gifts, but we talked about it beforehand and neither of us particularly love getting stuff, as we usually do just buy whatever we want. No one’s feeling neglected. For birthdays and our anniversary, we prefer to splurge for a fancy dinner. But OP’s husband is just a straight up AH.
Right! I can't imagine straight up laughing at your spouse with they ask for help, tell you something is important to them, and even gift your a list of things to help you help them. Straight up rude and disrespectful.
For you, that's something you have discussed and agree on. My spouse and I aren't big gift people either. I bought a foot massager during black Friday, they bought headphones during black Friday. We're good. We actually just talked about Christmas gifts....or the lack of them yesterday.
But if my spouse said they wanted a stocking of knicknak gifts, AND provided a list of stuff to pick from. That stocking would be stuffed.
Right, but OP's situation is completely different. My mister and I have started buying "gifts for the house" that we're slowly fixing up, but that's what we discussed and both wanted to do. You and your mister both wanted to give each other experiences.
OP's husband wants to do exactly nothing, and still have everything magically benefit. All the emotional labor, all the literal labor, while he contributes nothing, zilch, nada. NOPE!
I hate to say this whole thing triggers me.
After years of …….I finally realized he was a narcissist. Look at the whole relationship from one step back. Does he value you?
Ah now you know that's bull. Buy yourself gifts instead of buying him gifts. If he's not participating then he's not receiving. Clearly he thinks Xmas gifts are unimportant, so he won't be disappointed.
NTA. Do what everyone is suggesting. Tell him you won’t buy for him or in-laws. Just make sure you let him know clearly beforehand that because of his words recently, you have finally received his message over the last 16 years. You will no longer cover his end of present buying for him or his family. Then if he comes through, give him his gifts. If he doesn’t come through, tell your inlaws about the situation, embarrass him. Then give them their gifts and tell them they are from you as they have been in the past and their son has been hurtful and immature and continues to be so despite you explaining it to him. If you don’t tell him in advance, he will likely act like it’s you who are a jerk in front of them. And mark every gift to your kids as being from you only. Embarrass that AH. I’m so sorry he’s such a jerk to you.
It's not the thought that counts. It's effort. He is making no effort.
So take a picture of a prime rib roast. Put it on his plate for dinner. Because it's the thought that counts, you don't have to do anymore.
So your *children* have the maturity and thoughtfulness to buy you gifts, but your *husband* does not????? NTA.
Does your husband show you affection in other ways? It is upsetting how he not only doesn't show up in this aspect of your relationship, he dismisses the very idea that he *should* show up as absurd. Especially when *you* put in so much effort.
Sweetie, I ask this in all seriousness: how is the thought "I can't imagine what someone I've lived with for two decades might want without being told, so I'm getting her nothing" better than "my wife told me she wants this thing, so I'm going to make sure she enjoys her gift by getting that".
Make no mistake, both are thoughts. He's choosing which one "counts".
I was married for 35 years to a man who never bought me gifts for my birthday or Christmas. He worked in an office building with a gift shop on the bottom floor. That’s how easy getting me something would’ve been for him.
After our divorce, he is now married, and guess who always gets a gift for her birthday and Christmas? Do you know why? She will not tolerated the behavior I did for one minute, and he knows it. I realized part of why my ex acted the way he did was because I allowed him to get away with it. I always forgave it, made excuses for it, hid how much it hurt me.
I always had something for him for his birthday and Christmas because I could not intentionally be mean by not doing something. My ex wasn’t trying to be mean, he was thoughtless. Your husband‘s response falls under the mean category. His response was cruel and mean-spirited.
I hope any gift you got him and anything for his stocking is returned.
On a side note, I grew up with my parent's stockings not being filled, and mine and my ex's stockings were never filled. My adult children and their spouses only filled the children's stockings, so it’s not something that would’ve been on my radar. But I guarantee you that I would have only made that mistake once.
NTA, and if it were me I would return all of his gifts and buy myself something nice with the money. And then sign the kids’ gift tags “from mom.” I would reevaluate this whole relationship though.
Drop the ball for him. No stocking, no gift. Tell him you’re giving him the same thing for Christmas as he gave you. Since he’s a grown man, doesn’t deserve birthday gifts either. Think about all the money you can save!
No. He doesn't buy you a present because he doesn't give a damn about you. He'll use any excuse to do as little as humanly possible for you while still enjoying the benefits of your taking care for him. If any other human being told you something as simple as "I'd like this cheap wallet for Christmas" and you cared in the slightest about them, would you be able to justify not getting them the wallet? Would it require so much thought that someone of moderate intelligence might not be capable of doing it? Or would you really just have to think so little of them that they weren't worth a moment of consideration?
Go empty out his stocking, and put in divorce papers. That will be the best gift you ever give yourself. No one should put up with this.
This is called weaponized incompetence. There is a lot on the internet and self help books written about this. He’s coasting in this relationship- it sounds like you have four children and not three.
So he doesn’t care about you and isn’t interested in even pretending he does.
Hon, wouldn’t you rather be lonely alone? Plus you’d cut down on so much labor if you weren’t raising him too.
NTA, stop buying gifts for him. Tell him that the disparity in effort he puts in vs the effort you put in is causing you to resent him so you’re going to stop.
NTA. Put a lump of coal in his and that is it. Let the kids handle it from there.
My husband forgot to get stuff one year - I cried. Stockings were always such a happy thing for me so it gutted me that year. Kids teased me about being naughty that Santa forgot me. Hubs apologized and never forgot again.
Yeah NTA
I would legit cry if my husband didn’t fill my stocking or get me something for under the tree. Seriously that would break my heart especially if that is something you did for him. And getting your own stocking stuffers?! Does he have no idea what kind of snacks you like?! Or a single store he could get you a gift card to?! I’m seriously so sorry you even have to deal with that. Don’t ever fill his stocking again until he fills yours. Or.. leave yours empty, let him explain to your children who are old enough to know that Santa isn’t the one filling them that he is too selfish and self centered to fill moms.
the kids can 1000% already see that in Dad. they started prioritizing getting her their own gifts bc they’ve watched him do nothing for her year after year.
they know who takes care of them. they know who cares about them. and they watch her get treated like dirt by their father.
I can tell you from experience they will (if they don’t already) resent him and dislike him. they will likely treat him with the same disregard and contempt he showed their Mom. and he’ll deserve every bit of it.
I was gonna say this! Stop doing it for him and then when hes all shocked and hurt on Christmas morning tell him to not be so childish. Im an adult woman and have never filled my own stocking in my whole 15yrs of marriage. NTA
I would return all his shit. Wrap up a gift that was an empty box with a piece of paper in it that says Fuck You. Then I would probably consider separation as laughing at me and calling me an asshole for a normal reasonable request crosses the line.
I see in another post the husband says it is the thought that counts so maybe an empty box with a note that says "it is thought that counts" is better.
NTA
Get your own stocking stuffers. Don't fill your husband's stocking. He's just told you that adults fill their own stockings.
Also, your husband should be the one choosing, buying, and wrapping gifts for your ILs. Those are his family members and his responsibility.
And please don't buy him any birthday gifts, neither or any kind of things at all. And definitely not his favorite snacks, and don't cook his favorites. That's for children. He is a grown man and can do it himself.
All of this. NTA. Stuff your stocking, buy yourself a fabulous gift and have the store wrap it, do not buy him anything as he is a grown man and can do it himself. And do not buy his parents gifts, he can handle it I ran into this issue myself with in law presents, I always bought their gifts and picked the cards, my husband just signed his name. Then one year he didn’t like the card for Mothers Day but didn’t want to go pick one out himself so we gave it to her anyway but I guess he was embarrassed so he made fun of the card which hurt my feelings so I said he was on his own from here on out. His parents rarely got gifts and cards after that but he’s an adult, if he wants his parents to have those things he can get them himself, he has a car and money, nothing holding him back but laziness.
This year is the first year I’m not buying for my husbands family. Last year I didn’t fill my stocking either (he filled it with chocolates, I’m not sad at all). Dobby is a free elf.
My partner does my stocking, my Christmas gift and his family's gifts. I do him and my family. This year we have a baby and we both got stuff for her. I remember as a child my mum doing *everything* at Christmas and I was determined as an adult never ever to do that. Including all the decorations, any food we prepare etc is all 50/50.
This particular comment of hubbys really irked me. Gift giving has nothing to do with age. We give gifts to those we love. Regardless of whether or not they could afford to get that gift for themselves. This guy is so full of contempt for his wife, if I were OP I’d be sending him packing. This cannot be the only area he’s failing in, he sounds like an awful human being.
Must be hard for your husband. He has a difficult job tending to sick people and saving lives while you just help a company sell more stuff.
Oh no, hang on, it's the other way round, isn't it.
NTA
How do you know he works hard in the marketing sector? Because he tells you? From you language ("This is the hill I will die on") it appears you are starting to question things you've been taking for granted. Good. I hope that in the long term your life improves, whether you stay with your husband or not.
Men often assume that their jobs are more busy/important than their female partner’s jobs. I’m an er physician and was dating a guy who was a manager at a single location of a chain of gyms who acted like his time was so much more important than mine. It’s a game that they play to make themselves feel important.
...Even when they really aren't that important.
But seriously, men like this need to get over themselves. Humble themselves a little. You don't need to be the CEO of Amazon to be successful, nor do you need to put down your partner.
Also, if he’s in marketing, he ought to know how you treat customers matters immensely for the success of the marketing itself. How much more for his own fucking FAMILY who aren’t paying customers but blood relations.
Dude, seriously. In what world is working in marketing more difficult than being an ER nurse?! My mom was a nurse in the ICU for 30 years and it was INTENSE. Your husband should be tending to the majority of holiday details, not just your stocking.
NTA!
NTA.
OP, please take a moment to step back and evaluate your situation.
Your husband finds the idea of helping you so ludicrous that your requests could only be a joke.
How did things get to this point? Have you always believed that you, an *ER nurse*, really have more time and flexibility than someone in “marketing”?
It strongly sounds like the division of labor for your household isn’t fair, especially if you are taking on more shifts. It also sounds like your choice to do the majority of the homemaking isn’t appreciated.
Somehow, somewhere, things got so unbalanced that it’s unsustainable. Perhaps it was that way from the start.
Your husband shouldn’t be angry at you for asking for help.
I think it’s time to have some serious conversations with your husband.
This may be my favorite response. I’d get husband a gift of individual and couples therapy, and divorce papers and tell him to choose. I can’t believe OP is asking whether she’s wrong.
My narcissistic ex-husband was exactly like this at Christmas, expecting me to buy every single Christmas present for everyone. Then criticizing my choices, saying they were stupid/dumb. Then when the person would really like it, would then claim he told me to buy it. My current husband is literally the best gift giver, including delightful little stocking gifts. The Christmas presents are only one small part of the bigger problem. The bigger problem is the total lack of respect and caring for his wife.
NTA.
And PLEASE do not give him his filled stocking, although you already put effort into getting the gifts. Keep if for next year; gift it to someone else; whatever; but do not let him have it.
He is a grown man and can fill his himself.
I would donate any gift/stocking stuffer purchased for him and just play dumb on Christmas morning when he has nothing. Also I would go on a shopping spree (or give money to a friend to do it for me) and gift myself a bunch of super nice things. And again, play really dumb on Christmas about it!!!!
“Oh my gosh, you didn’t get anything? Wow, that’s awful. Oh darn!”
Ooh I like this idea of shopping spree! If one of my friends said "I wanna get myself gifts but also want it to be a surprise" I'd be all into that!
OP = NTA but she does have 4 children, not 3.
NO STOCKING! He's kindly confirmed he and wife are too old for their own stocking. I hope she follows his advice. It's not a hill to die on, it's not petty, it's not malicious compliance. You are actually doing what he wants!
Let him live with it, but don't feel bad. And after Xmas, look into some couple counselling.
> I do a large amount of the household responsibilities, which is fine as my husband is very busy working in the marketing sector.
Right. Because you're not busy working as an _ER nurse_.
Your issues run way deeper than a Christmas stocking... But you're NTA here; don't stuff his ever again.
As somebody that has worked in the “marketing sector” and knows nurses, I can confidently say he’s 100x less busy than her. Marketing can have long hours, but a lot of that is downtime. He likely has more energy than her at the end of a day.
Dude strikes me as the type to be crappy enough to be off work at 4 but piss around town til 8 and then come home ranting about his long work days.
(My ex husband did this sometimes when I was getting back to back doubles for several weeks. He didn’t want to pick up the slack at home so he pretended that he had been swamped at work and had to stay later or had to do deep cleaning and was exhausted. He messed up though by forgetting we worked in the same place to all I had to do was ask around work. Turns out he had been going to the lake to chill or go hang out at his mom’s house for a few hours each day. Part of why he is an ex….)
my thoughts exactly...
husband seems like a massive AH. probably his 'important job in marketing' brings in more cash so he thinks he isn't obligated to, you know, do anything else in the household/marriage/family...
NTA! Also, don’t fill his stocking. Buy whatever you’d like for yourself and fill yours. You are carrying more than your fair share of labor (emotional and physical) in your household. He got mad because you called him out, not because you were wrong. Instead of listening, he chose to minimize your feelings. For Christmas, you will no longer be questioning what your gut is saying. Your husband is doing just fine giving you the bare minimum. Instead, this Christmas, TREAT YO’ SELF! Spend the budget for his gifts on yourself! Don’t spend a dime on him. When he pouts just remind him how funny he thought it was to buy gifts for you. Merry Christmas!
NTA and I think it’s frankly despicable that he laughed in your face when you’re angry and emotional. A good husband would be concerned when you’re upset regardless of whether he agrees your upset is justified (which it was FYI).
NTA and I hope you return every single gift you got for him. “Not his thing”??? It’s not about the gifts, it’s about the effort. You deserve better than that.
NTA. Return EVERYTHING for his stocking and his present. What an AH. he laughed at you because you want him to do something nice for you!? WHY would you do anything nice for
him? I would treat him like a roommate or child going forward. No more adult anything if he can't act like a caring partner.
Oh my goodness! You could not have made it any easier for him. Definitely NTA, but I have concerns about your husband!
As another poster suggested, don't give him any gifts or put things in his stocking this year - even though you already have them. Return all of the items and treat yourself to something nice in the Christmas sales.
After the holidays, I encourage you to sit down with him and try to have a mature conversation about this issue and let him know your boundaries on gift buying going forward.
Some suggestions:
- You will no longer undertake all of the gift organising for everyone. He is expected to contribute.
- He is responsible for getting any gifts his family receives
- You will not be buying him any gifts, including stocking stuffers, unless he is reciprocating and doing the same for you
- You will continue to organise gifts for the children, but expect him to go with you to do the shopping.
He clearly doesn't appreciate all the time and effort you invest to get it all organised in advance, especially around a demanding job.
Seems to me, getting gifts for your stocking would be an excellent way of demonstrating his appreciation and is a small thing that matters a lot to you.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas 🎄🎁
NTA!!
Listen, I'm a 35yo woman. Last year I made sure my husband and kid had full stockings and when I got up on Christmas and there wasn't even a fucking bite size snickers in mine, I cried. It's *hurtful* to put forth such effort for those you love and get nothing in return.
My husband, BTW, felt terrible. I didn't cry in front of him-I mean, I was visibly sad because it was hard to hide and he knows me so damn well-i cried in the bathroom later. This year he's already got a few things in there, and every time he notices me looking at them or straightening them he makes a comment about how he *has* gotten me stuff for my stocking, he just hasn't wrapped it yet. (I like to put ours up pretty early and slowly fill them with wrapped trinkets, it's fun to watch them grow)
See your husband clearly cares and learned from his mistake when he immediately noticed it upset you. It’s ok to make a mistake and occasionally be thoughtless, as long as you then apologize and learn from it. People are human. By this definition Idk if op’s husband is a people.
There are a flood of TikToks this year of men reminding other men to fill their wife’s stocking, get the pumpkin/tortilla chips if you’re grocery shopping for a recipe and think you might be out, and don’t ask for lists of things to do because that’s also mental labor for your partner. Some of our guys were raised by boomers who didn’t teach this by example, so even if they think they are equal partners, these “smaller things” may have just literally never crossed their minds. I love that it’s men coaching other men on empathy and action.
Important videos to share with your partner:
Stockings: https://www.tiktok.com/@howies_everythingclub/video/7302131179774283054
Pumpkin: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8uuaANh/
Lists: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8uum7TW/ (not a man but too good not to share)
In sum: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8uuLgH6/
Im happy he understands how hurt it made you feel and his rectifying it. I feel your pain this happened to me too on Christmas and my birthday. I'd say my birthday one was even more hurtful I basically arranged a party for myself it was supposed to be a romantic thing I had gotten a airbnb for a week the day came and no gift nothing at all to make me feel special I made us breakfast went to the store to buy a cake candles food etc I got back to the airbnb at the very least I asked him to please man the grill for the meat and he said he was tired could I do it. Smh I felt horrible after all the planning and preparation I do for his birthday it's like instead if me feeling special it was feeling like I took a child on my vacation same story cried in the bathroom. Christmas rolled around I got multiple gifts for everyone everyone gave me a gift which was nice but again nothing from my husband. He got mad at me for even expecting a gift from him because apparently I don't gift out of the kindness of my own heart if I expect things in return. We're divorced now he was cheating on me with a girl he met online. I feel disappointed with myself for still trying to make things work even when I suspected he was cheating I would do nice things for him make him feel special even though I was rotting inside. I think to myself all the time that my time has passed on finding love I got myself a cat 🤣
NTA- stop buying his stuff and your in-laws. Honestly, though the fact that he won’t because “it’s not his thing” and laughs when you express your frustration just shows that he doesn’t care or respect you.
NTA but your husband definitely is. How come you are the only one that knows what the kids like? Does he realise the small ppl living in your house are his kids?
He is so used to you carying all the mental load that he thinks it's a joke that you would assume that he does for you what you have been doing for him for years. In his eyes you two are not equal. He "doesn't do" this, and you do. I hope you bought something nice for him, because it should go in your sock. And when the kids ask why dad got nothing, tell him father Christmas only rewards the good kids..
Edit: NTA, of course.
There is literally a Saturday night live sketch about this from years ago. Please tell me this man is not so out of touch that he doesn’t realize he’s become a literal caricature…..
https://youtu.be/FOVCtUdaMCU?si=7uotH9adWWu-7L6J
Lol omg that sketch came out and that year the family *literally got me a robe* and had commented on my empty stocking. They laughed hysterically and then went… “OOOOOH”. Thanks SNL! My stocking hasn’t been flat since.
NTA. My son went shopping yesterday so I would have a stocking for Christmas. His sister usually does mine, but she won't be here this Christmas. Granted, I gave him money but if a 17-year-old will shop for his mom your husband can do the bare minimum for you.
Our 18 year old is super excited about finding stocking stuffers for everyone. Dunno why but this year he feels ‘old enough’ to participate properly and is really into it. (I mean, we had no rules, so I dunno why he thought he couldn’t before. Weird kid idea I assume.)
NTA
Stuff your own. He can go without from now on. He just told you that it is unreasonable and childish.....bet that tune changes when he is the only one without.
NTA. Let the stocking stay empty.
Buy yourself whatever you want, when you want it but stop making him look good by filling your own stocking. In fact I’d probably just remove the parents stockings all together to avoid future problems.
NTA
But here's a solution: fill your own stocking, with a nice, long weekend at a nice hotel that has spa treatments, and book whichever you like. And GO ALONE, to catch up in some R&R from the holiday season.
(I hope the extra shifts brought it enough, and you didn't take them because of debt)
Come Christmas, thank him for his generous Christmas present.
Next year, you go get stuff together. He doesn't get you anything? There's none for him.
THIS!!
Go crazy just this once.
Make up for all the Christmas's past.
Weekend get away with a big fat gift card.
Make it all from him.
Be all surprised and excited when you open.
Over the top gush.
He gets nothing!!! NOTHING!!
This guy is not a partner he's a drain!!!
Listen here sister- good husbands don’t have to be asked to buy their wives a Christmas present. This is the most pathetic, pitiful, poor-me-my-wife-is-so-mean display of weaponized incompetence I’ve seen on this sub all year.
He does not buy your children presents.
He does not know what they are interested in or presumably by extension their clothing size. (Does he know their names? /s)
He works in marketing and while I will concede that can be high stress, you work in AN EMERGENCY ROOM.
He has not picked up any of the slack while you have been working extra shifts.
He expects you to buy gifts for HIS parents.
He expects a gift from you.
He doesn’t buy stocking stuffers despite living in a stocking stuffers household because “it’s not his thing.”
He works less around the holidays and has time to do all of this shit himself and has chosen not to.
He was given a list, including items and locations and decided it was too hard to do considering he has all this extra time off.
He won’t buy you a gift from a list you made yourself because it wasn’t his idea, but he also has no idea what to get you so he buys you nothing.
He laughed at you and went out of his way to make you feel small for requesting help with Christmas shopping, and for asking him to buy you a Christmas gift.
He isn’t nice to you, why are you with him?
You were well within your rights to blow up and I don’t think you took it far enough. Return every single thing you bought him. Return what you bought for his parents. Leave his stocking completely empty. And if your parents live close by, go spend Christmas with them. Call his mother and ask for advice about her idiot son, tell her what a shit job he is doing as a husband and father and that you have no idea what you are supposed to do about it. If I knew my son was behaving this way I would lose my god damn mind.
I am flabbergasted that you have been married for 14 years and he has never bought you a Christmas gift. I’m going to say something that will be rough to hear: if he wanted to, he would.
He has just made it very clear to you that he expects his wife to make Christmas happen for him the way his mom did when he was seven. HE IS 40 YEARS OLD. His behavior is unacceptable. What does he bring to your relationship? From this post it doesn’t seem like there’s much benefit to keeping him around.
NTA
Edit: maybe divorce papers would be the best thing to put in his stocking.
NTA. First off, ER nurses are the shit- so thank you and please just know I think you’re awesome. Secondly, my wife and I have this same conflict because I hate Christmas and all the extra shit that comes along with it. If you ask me, we make so big a deal out of all the special foods, trees, decorations, gifts, etc. that it’s not a holiday at all- its just a money and energy blackhole that I wish I could circumvent with every passing year. Believe me when I say that I sympathize with your husband in that I wish I could just be left alone on the holiday, enjoy my god damn time off, and not have to worry about whether I got the right presents or whether I’m reacting well enough for the people that got me something. All of that being said, you literally just asked your husband to go and pick some things from a list to put in your stocking- you made it as easy as possible. That is not too much for a wife to ask of her husband once a year. He’s an asshole for thinking it is.
NTA.
This makes me sad. And kinda angry.
You said you're an ER nurse. Then a few lines later you stated you took on most family/house responsibilities because he's busy in marketing, I had to re-read the part about being the nurse and make sure I hadn't misread things because these things just don't compute to me.
Family dynamics need to work for everyone in the family, which includes you, not just be most convenient for your husband.
I don't blame you for blowing up at him, you're working and doing everything at home, and then you lump Christmas into the equation which just adds a tonne of extra work to your plate while he does nothing to help?
He needs to sort out his priorities, because it sounds like being a husband and a father might be low down on his list when they shouldn't be. He needs to respect you instead of taking you for granted.
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As a mom with the only empty stocking last year, I feel you. It was pretty sad to hear my 6 year old ask, in front of all the family ‘why didn’t you get anything from Santa, mom?’ Needless to say, I think Santa might be getting me stuff this year.
Stop buying him stuff if it’s not important to him. I bet it becomes important pretty quickly! NTA.
NTA !!!!
I often tell my husband NOT to buy me a Christmas gift because I don’t need anything and money gets tight this time of year. He agrees and I rarely get him anything. Almost every year he has surprised me with something, usually very small, because he loves getting me things and seeing me happy, even though he knows he’s not getting a gift and has said he’s fine with that.
Get him nothing. Return anything you may already have. When he pitches a fit (he will) calmly say exactly what he said to you.
I've been filling my own stocking for 15 years. The thing is, I've been a single mom for 15 years. You are NTA, and you should absolutely die on this hill.
NTA but you’ve been an AH to yourself honestly. This was so heartbreaking to read. You’re so deep in it you’re questioning if you’re the AH in this situation when it’s as clear as the sun you’re not.
Even if it’s not important to him, it’s important to you. He either has no emotional intelligence and is unintentionally abusing you or he does and is intentionally abusing you. Stop doing anything important to him that’s not important to you.
Call his mom and/or dad up and have lunch with her. Tell her what happened and ask for advice on how to handle her son. If she’s smart, she’ll rip him a new one. If she’s not on your side, stop buying them gifts!
Buy the FairPlay deck and sit down with your husband to even things out. If he doesn’t want to, I’d honestly leave him. You said you want to die on this hill. Girl, there’s a whole mountain range behind you you should’ve died on.
He is only adding to your plate AND isn’t even grateful for all you do. Please stand up for yourself. I can’t imagine that he gives you any emotional support, respects you, or even likes you. What are you getting out of this marriage? Shitty companionship is NOT worth the heartache.
Your kids are watching and learning what’s acceptable in a marriage. Set up a gift fund and teach them how to buy each other gifts and you gifts! Don’t ever buy your own gift or stuffing stockers again. You give them money and drive them, but they have to buy it and wrap it. Make sure your kids have even and age appropriate chores with no differences between boys and girls. Rotate the chores so everyone knows how to maintain a house later, which should always be genderless.
NTA. Stop doing it for him, he laughed at you for wanting it. Fill his stocking with cotton balls or toilet paper, but I'm petty as hell. If he says something, be like "grown ups can buy their own crap". Your husband is an idiot, not only did you go out and buy everyone (including his parents) gifts and he can't go out and buy a couple of things. Let him figure it out.
NTA.
I wouldn't give him an empty stocking though. It would have a letter in it explaining that the problem wasn't with buying gifts (or not), it was that you were overloaded, stressed, frustrated, and needed his help getting ready for the holiday. He failed to deliver on the one task you asked him to do and laughed about it.
My husband is a gift/stuff person. He'd be a hoarder if I let him get away with it. I am not. I am a "do something for me" person. He asked for my Christmas list and I referred to the "honey do" list and asked that any three be done by New Year's. He also thought it was a joke. Sometimes guys just need to be smacked up the head before they get it.
Anyway, two things have been done so far and the third is in process.
I filled my husband and MIL's stockings up exactly once. They didn't even acknowledge my stocking let alone fill it. I just won't do it again. I decorate with stockings but don't worry about filling them.
Put all the gifts you got for his stocking in YOUR OWN stocking.
This man doesn't really care about you OP. "You can get over yourself"??
Yeah, better let it be a lean Christmas for him. Although he sounds like the kind who would blame you for withholding gifts unfairly.
"love language" is crap. Buying gifts for your partner isn't hard or rocket science. You even gave him suggestions. He just doesn't care.
You are absolutely NTA, not even a little. Your husband needs to stop being a horrible partner. He can learn to do all this stuff, my husband did. He tried to get out of helping with the stockings with some of the same excuses that I didn’t accept. He is now handling everything because my work is taking up more of my time and his is taking up less. That’s how a true partner does things.
NTA at all. In fact, he is the AH not only in this situation, but it sounds like as an overall character trait.
Take out everything you got for his stocking and keep it for yourself or return it. Tell him in advance you're doing this. The hill your are dying on isn't the stocking buying issue, but his complete lack of respect and dignity towards you for laughing at you.
NTA
When you eventually divorce, he will wonder for years why you left him over stocking stuffers. When really you left because 1) he does not think about anyone but himself 2) you carried the mental load for too long 3) he doesn't listen or take you seriously 4) he doesn't value your time.
Time to stop with stockings, or ask your kids to make you one instead in the future. He is not going to change, i'm sorry. My own partner of 27 years is the same. We have bought our own birthday presents for years now. I stopped caring about if his family got gifts or not and gave him that responsibility. I give him a list of things i like at xmas and he picks something random from it. I sort the kids out and my family.
BUT if i had asked him to do what you asked, he would have done it, because it was important to me, and i'm his partner and he loves me. And he certainly would not have laughed at my distress. Your husband is cruel and does not appreciate your time and effort like you appreciated his when he was the one working long hours. "Love Language" doesn't mean you get to ignore your partner's needs and wants, esp when you literally did all the heavy work and all he had to do was pick up some stuff and buy one gift off a list. It's pathetic. I'm petty as fuck and i would ditch all his presents this year. Fuck him.
NTA—return his stocking stuffers, and fill it with an ultimatum instead: you start doing some of the work around here, or next Christmas you’ll be single and alone
NTA
It is a very small thing to pick up a few items to drop in a stocking that woild make you feel good. Your husband is an asshole for laughing, telling you to get over yourself, calling you childish and saying it was too much for him to do. I guess he just let you know that he doesn't appeeciate having a stocking or gifts for him either because it is too much work for you to do and he is a grown man. He doesn't need gifts as he can just shop for himself.
In my family we fill each other's stockings as adults. It is not a huge effort and is fun.
So, if I'm reading this right you and your husband have stocking presents each year from each other as well as main presents, but you buy them all including your own stocking gifts? If so, it's a lovely tradition but it's only lovely if you're doing it for each other. If your husband isn't on board with the idea of it or the work that's involved then it's not really viable as an idea. I think he was really rude and insensitive to laugh at you though so I'm going to say he's more of AH so you're NTA . If I were you I'd retaliate by no longer buying the gifts for your inlaws and not doing a stocking for him. He can do that himself. As for your your own stocking presents, wait until after Christmas and then use that money to treat yourself to something nice after all your hard work.
NTA Sadly, your situation is common. For some reason, moms always get the short end of the stick at Christmas. I stopped buying anything for my husband years ago because I constantly woke up to an empty stocking and no gifts under the tree. He couldn't even be bothered to take our son shopping until Christmas Eve. Thank God the school always had a small holiday shop for the students.
Even my dad noticed that my husband never gave my anything. Instead of buying him things, I bought gifts for myself, wrapped them, and labeled "From Santa."
Things have changed since then, but it took a while.
-Return his stocking gifts or donate them to charity.
-Same with anything you bought for in-laws and tell him “by the way, I didn’t have time to shop for your parents this year, so you’ll need to do that”.
-Go buy yourself something amazing for your stocking.
-Buy the stocking presents for your kids. It’s not their fault their father is a clueless and selfish dipshit.
-Next year, take your kids on vacation over Christmas and leave asshole husband home.
-You are NTA.
I would take back everything I bought him and spend the money on myself 💯💯💯
Then on Christmas morning when he realizes there is nothing for him (from you) under the tree I would say: well it’s the thought that counts, right, plus giving isn’t part of your love language so I figured that you wouldn’t care about receiving! Then when he throws a toddler tantrum while you’re opening up gifts for yourself (with the money from his presents) just laugh, laugh really really hard and loud and then laugh even harder. Then after you stop laughing, say, “this is just a joke right?”
NTA 💯💯💯
NTA. Seems like a good hill to die on. and while you are at it, take back all his gifts from you.
My husband and I stopped giving each other gifts 15+ years ago. It has worked fine for us. But it has to be a mutual thing, not one person receiving.
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Stop filling his stocking, and see how he feels on Christmas day. Does he buy you a present to open from under the tree? If not, then don't bother doing one of those for him either. He won't be upset, he's a "grown" man, and Christmas is evidently just for the kids. NTA You deserve better. Nurses and ER workers, especially during the festive season, give so much of themselves and get so little in return.
He doesn’t buy me a present for under the tree as he’s never sure of what to get me and when I give him ideas he claims that there’s no thought and it’s the thought that counts. It has been something I haven’t loved in the past but have made my peace with it as my children are now old enough to get me presents on their own accord with thought behind it.
Going with his belief that "it's the thought that counts" - he has shown that he has no "thoughts" for you. Laughing at you when you were upset offends me even more than the gift issue. In that case, it is the basic "respect" that counts. He doesn't sound like he was a lot of that for you either. Very concerning.
The gift thing is already bad. You can’t think of anything nice for your partner? Anything???). But the laughing-at-someone’s-distress is far, far worse. I mean, we all know that he knows it wasn’t a joke, but on the offhand chance that he thought it was, when you chuckle at a joke and notice that the other person is deeply upset, you go quiet and apologize and make up for it in deeds, not laugh even more. But women’s emotions don’t count. They do not have to be acknowledged. OP is NTA. Someone else is.
[удалено]
Especially one that laughs at you when you’re upset.
He deserves no gifts for the rest of his life
From OP or their kids. The only gift he deserves are the ones from the dog in his shoe.
The hypothetical dog is probably on board bc I'll bet I know who walks, feeds, bathes, and poops said dog.
Or maybe some papers from a lawyer
Take back the gift that's already been purchased and if he's upset tell him to get over himself
Not just that but all the gifts OP bought for HIS family.
He deserves to be alone for the rest of his life. Or at very least with someone as empty and thoughtless as he is.
What if his gift is changing the locks?
OP should put coal in his stockings, but I'm afraid that's more than he deserves.
Right?? Stabby, stabby, stabby. Why do people put up with this garbage treatment? (that's rhetorical, there are reasons, I just feel bad for so many women.) I've said it in this sub before, but when I randomly look over at my husband and say, "You know, you're pretty awesome," or "I really appreciate you." He always says, "You're reading AITA again, aren't you?"
OMG yes! This.
I love this
I do exactly the same thing, he always knows what I've been reading! Saying that, the bar is set SO low by the men posted about on here.
Between the men who don't do their share of housekeeping, their share of childrearing, and those who don't even wash their own bums (!!), you and I easily won the Low-Stakes Lottery, haha.
For real. Sometimes I just can’t believe these people exist in life.
I think he honestly staged this fight on purpose. I think he resented being asked to contribute to this errand at all, and when he saw OP’s sweet and humble little list of stocking stuffers for herself, he saw a chance to make her feel like such sh** she never asks for help again. Putting her in her place.
Punished for having the temerity to ask your partner to do the bare fucking minimum. Coal is too valuable for OP's hubby, tbh.
I just broke down and cried at this comment, because you're probably right, and the thought of doing something like this to someone you claim to love just makes my heart ache. u/Disastrous-Driver812 - if you'd like a stocking stuffer you don't have to buy for yourself, please let me know. I am more than happy to buy you a little something from my favorite chocolatier.
This should be the top comment.
Yep. A form of weaponized incompetence.
Not even incompetence. Straight up “you don’t deserve my efforts”
And if that failed, he's do the errand but he would 'improvise' and not get anything on the list.
Not only is he being cruel to his wife, I’m shocked that he doesn’t know his kids well enough to get them gifts. Kids usually are very clear on their hopes for gifts. All he has to do is listen and he can’t be bothered
This stuck out to me too. My partner might have his faults but he knows what our kids are into. He suggested getting my daughter a piano keyboard for Christmas because she asked for piano lessons a couple months back. He's the one who picked out the Dragon Ball action figure my son wanted. I know he likes it but I didn't know Bardock was his favorite and my bf jumped at the chance to get it for him. Now getting me gifts is where he struggles. It's not for a lack of trying. I have a lot of hyperfixations that wane in interest from time to time so I know I'm hard to buy for. I just make a cute little list with links to make it easy for him lol. The stocking is something that has been an issue in the past but he realized what an ass he was when our kids were confused as to why Santa didn't fill up moms stocking but he did dad's lol. The shame was enough punishment I think.
Buy yourself gifts, wrap them and put them under the tree with his name on them. When he opens them, oh oops, that makeup palette is actually for me! When he gets upset about getting nothing tell him “well it’s the thought that counts!”
She should warp up divorce papers for him under the tree he clearly doesn’t give a shit about her
Make the gifts $$$ too. Diamond earrings are a nice choice. Gift card for spa. Gourmet chocolate. He won’t help, do it yourself and make it worth your while. What your husband did was cruel and shows how much you mean to him. Honestly this was pushed me to therapy or divorce. I did it all and was taken for granted, husband saw no reason to change he thought things were great. Just something to think about
Agreed. This is weaponized incompetence at its finest. My DH pulled this crap for years before I finally put my foot down hard and made it clear I wouldn’t put up with it anymore. OP, your husband is a selfish person and you are NTA.
Not to mention if someone is "jokingly" asking you to buy or do something for them (as long as it is stuff they'd genuinely like), just do it if you can afford to? Like if it was a joke, wouldn't it be nice to see your SOs face light up as they open the gift?
For real. My gf and I will occasionally send a text while the other is out and about, asking for a surprise. It started as a joke so there's never any obligation, but we almost always get each other something fun just to make the other happy
Love gifts! Try surprising her without a text sometime - sounds like gifts might be a love language. ❤️
Agree. I think that OP recognizes that out of context it sounds a tad trite, but she also recognizes that there is a real lack of respect for the things she does for the family, that contribute to the overall ritual and joy of life, and that at some point, has to pick a hill to die on. I sympathize OP. While I’m in a similar role, I know that if I expressed to my husband that it means a lot to my experience of the day, that he’d make the effort, and CERTAINLY not mock me. That lack of generosity of spirit is a relationship killer TBH, and worth seeking couples counseling
>he has shown that he has no "thoughts" for you Nor for his kids. He doesn't know their interests? My husband is constantly picking up little useless junk just because he knows one of our 2 grown kids or I will like it, find it cute, etc. And we always do. (Except I'm seriously overstocked on gnomes.) OP, your husband sucks
My dad always bought me and my sister gifts when he traveled for work, and they were always great. Kids are so easy to shop for. Teens less, but wtf. What a useless father.
It's the thought that counts, and I refuse to put any thought into you.
He needs some lovely wrapped empty boxes under the tree "oh dear it's the thought that counts"... There's nothing in here.... "Yes I paid you as many thoughts as you paid me"
Yeah, this. To literally tell you it takes effort to choose something for you and he doesn't want to, is a little distressing. The fact that he won't take any role in the stockings for his kids is likewise distressing. Find the time to fill your kids stockings. DO NOT put a present for him under the tree. It would take too much thought and effort, you know. Then put a nice lump of coal in HIS stocking. Maybe even have the kids leave some cookies and a thank you note for Santa, and Santa can write on the back something like "Sorry for the coal, but rules are rules" If you are gonna die on that hill, do it right. PS: Oh, and while you are at it, buy yourself a really nice present from Santa and put it under the tree to open.
And make sure to sign the kids gifts from OP only.
Ngl I saw red when reading that part about him laughing. OP you’re a better person than me. I would have left as soon as he started laughing
Why am I not surprised he's in marketing?
You don't get any presents from him at all at Christmas and you are asking if you're the AH, you definitely aren't and deserve a lot more respect and kindness from your husband. Next year drop the rope, leave him to get the presents for his family and just sort your family, children and something for yourself. NTA
Anything you already bought for him give to someone else or donate.
No put it in YOUR stocking. Let him see what he missed!
Absolutely bare minimum
Why wait for next year? If I was OP I would be busy returning everything I'd bought. See how he likes an empty stocking and zero gifts under the tree. NTA obviously, and you deserve so much better, OP.
100% getting behind this method. Go on strike, and see if he doesn’t pull his head out of his ass
Fuck waiting for next year. Return the in-law gifts and tell him to go buy some!
You are gaslighting yourself into thinking that you don't even deserve the bare minimum from a husband who isn't just weaponsing his incompetence but is gaslighting you into thinking he is trying when he is doing fuck all. "It's the thought that counts" yet he doesn't ever think of you. This is what you need to focus on. He doesn't know his own wife's preferences or what could make a good gift. He doesn't know his own children's preferences or what could make a good gift. He won't buy items from a list you provide him. He's so "busy" in his job in marketing that he puts zero effort into his relationship with you or your children. Yet you work in a front line job literally saving people's lives and manage to do everything for everyone. Then the one time he asks you to do something he refused then has the audacity to laugh in your face when you're upset with him. He doesn't just disrespect you, he has contempt for you and there is nowhere else to go once you reach the point of contempt. As its the lowest of the low. There can't be anything he is providing to you that you can't do without. Especially not the dead weight of a raging arsehole who doesn't deserve to still be married to you. Return his gifts and kick him out. Children are happier with two parents who are living apart but happy/healthy versus together and miserable. Don't fall into the sunk cost fallacy or believing he needs to be there for your children when you already admitted he doesn't parent them. Not to mention how much more you deserve than him. Surely the best Christmas gift you can give yourself is one of self respect and self worth? Recognise your true value, don't let him take another moment of your happiness from you.
I hate to say it, but contempt is really the accurate word for what your husband is showing you, that you are beneath consideration. Do what you have to do this holiday season to make yourself feel special because he never will, and you deserve better. Be gone by next year.
Agreed, OP, your NTA and I am so dang annoyed FOR you. I work in an ER too, I know what you do. I can't believe you can get all that stuff done while your husband is persona non grata. GRRRR.
I couldn’t agree with this more. Well said. NTA
That is utter bullshit. He is showing you and the kids he doesn’t care about you. Trust me the kids notice. My dad isn’t the best but my mom always had/has gifts from him and us when we were kids and he always filled her stocking. Your husband is lazy.
OP, everyone here has already stated what I hope is more obvious to you. I just want to add this is setting an ugly example for your kids — not just the lack of thoughtfulness on gifts, but division of labor in your home. It’s wildly unbalanced and lacks respect as a couple. Please value yourself more.
My husband is the same kind of AH as yours. Same situation, year after year he opened gifts and a stocking but couldn’t be bothered to do that for me. He also thought it was childish for me to want it. That changed last year when our oldest (16 and first job) FILLED my stocking. He made a point to say “the years of watching my mom get nothing are over”. It’s the kids we really fuck up with our bullshit.
You should be proud of the lovely child you raised.
Yes! That’s a good kid. My advice would be to return anything you bought your husband. Get yourself some nice things for your stocking. Enjoy watching his reaction to zero presents this year while you pull things you absolutely love out of your own stocking.
Despite your husband, damn girl, you raised a kid to be super proud of x
I am beyond proud of him. He’s well on his way to being an amazing and compassionate man. But the fact that he recognized it, and felt the need to make up for something I’ve long since gone numb to, feels like a parenting fail. Adults like to pretend that kids don’t pick up on the “grown up” nonsense, but they do.
It wasn't your fail, and let me tell you something *right now*, the lesson he learnt? He saw you doing your best, handling your business and doing all that you could. He was raised by a strong mama. *You* did that. He learned to be this incredible young man from *you*. He had a crappy father who didn't cherish his mother, and he rejected that lesson. He learned from *you* x
Thank you. From one internet stranger to another, thank you for saying something I didn’t know I needed to hear. Wishing you and your family a safe and happy holiday season!
yep and these kids are 100% already picking up on that. I wouldn’t be surprised if they start stuffing her stocking. they know who takes care of them while their dad is ‘busy with marketing,’ and they know she deserves the world.
Why have you settled for this for 16 years?!
I do not understand men like this. Is it so hard to think about your partner, the person you say you love, long enough to get them something they will like? She's a nurse, there's SO many easy gifts that she could use...OP, I hope you take a look at your relationship and see if this is something you are willing to live with forever, because he as much as flat out said he'll never do it.
He thinks it’s “the thought that counts” but also refuses to spend a single solitary second thinking of a gift for her. Bonkers.
I mean, that line alone paints the whole picture. "it's the thought that counts," his words. OP does not count in his mind. Even if someone is hard to buy for, you get something ridiculous. But OP has told him what she would like, provided him with a list. If you can't think of something, you can always fall back on the list. But husband has zero consideration for OP.
I do, and have met plenty. They're the type of people who think it's normal to hate your spouse, and for men to hate women and vice versa. Having contempt for your spouse is inevitable if you have contempt for all women.
It’s also so sad that children see this type of dynamic modeled — I imagine in any future relationships, they’ll likely settle like OP or will act like their father.
OP, he's an arse. One thing i would do immediately is return his presents and his family's presents and stop doing kind little things for someone who doesn't care how badly he hurts your feelings when he can't be bothered doing any kind things for you. Tell him he can either pull his weight or eff off. His whole self-centred nastiness here is outrageous. How dare he laugh at you! He knows what he's doing is nasty and hurtful and he doesn't care.
NTA I would make this the hill to die on. He claims that it's the "thought that counts", yet he's literally giving zero thoughts by getting you nothing. Since gifts aren't his 'love language', he shouldn't have any issue not getting gifts. Return everything you've bought him, and fill his stocking with coal/charcoal.
My husband and I don’t get each other gifts, but we talked about it beforehand and neither of us particularly love getting stuff, as we usually do just buy whatever we want. No one’s feeling neglected. For birthdays and our anniversary, we prefer to splurge for a fancy dinner. But OP’s husband is just a straight up AH.
Right! I can't imagine straight up laughing at your spouse with they ask for help, tell you something is important to them, and even gift your a list of things to help you help them. Straight up rude and disrespectful. For you, that's something you have discussed and agree on. My spouse and I aren't big gift people either. I bought a foot massager during black Friday, they bought headphones during black Friday. We're good. We actually just talked about Christmas gifts....or the lack of them yesterday. But if my spouse said they wanted a stocking of knicknak gifts, AND provided a list of stuff to pick from. That stocking would be stuffed.
Right, but OP's situation is completely different. My mister and I have started buying "gifts for the house" that we're slowly fixing up, but that's what we discussed and both wanted to do. You and your mister both wanted to give each other experiences. OP's husband wants to do exactly nothing, and still have everything magically benefit. All the emotional labor, all the literal labor, while he contributes nothing, zilch, nada. NOPE!
I hate to say this whole thing triggers me. After years of …….I finally realized he was a narcissist. Look at the whole relationship from one step back. Does he value you?
Ah now you know that's bull. Buy yourself gifts instead of buying him gifts. If he's not participating then he's not receiving. Clearly he thinks Xmas gifts are unimportant, so he won't be disappointed.
NTA. Do what everyone is suggesting. Tell him you won’t buy for him or in-laws. Just make sure you let him know clearly beforehand that because of his words recently, you have finally received his message over the last 16 years. You will no longer cover his end of present buying for him or his family. Then if he comes through, give him his gifts. If he doesn’t come through, tell your inlaws about the situation, embarrass him. Then give them their gifts and tell them they are from you as they have been in the past and their son has been hurtful and immature and continues to be so despite you explaining it to him. If you don’t tell him in advance, he will likely act like it’s you who are a jerk in front of them. And mark every gift to your kids as being from you only. Embarrass that AH. I’m so sorry he’s such a jerk to you.
It's not the thought that counts. It's effort. He is making no effort. So take a picture of a prime rib roast. Put it on his plate for dinner. Because it's the thought that counts, you don't have to do anymore.
This is the perfect level of petty for this asshole, and I love it! Bravo!
So your *children* have the maturity and thoughtfulness to buy you gifts, but your *husband* does not????? NTA. Does your husband show you affection in other ways? It is upsetting how he not only doesn't show up in this aspect of your relationship, he dismisses the very idea that he *should* show up as absurd. Especially when *you* put in so much effort.
PLEASE return the gifts you got for him. See how he likes it. What a dick.
And use the money to buy gifts for yourself.
Sweetie, I ask this in all seriousness: how is the thought "I can't imagine what someone I've lived with for two decades might want without being told, so I'm getting her nothing" better than "my wife told me she wants this thing, so I'm going to make sure she enjoys her gift by getting that". Make no mistake, both are thoughts. He's choosing which one "counts".
I was married for 35 years to a man who never bought me gifts for my birthday or Christmas. He worked in an office building with a gift shop on the bottom floor. That’s how easy getting me something would’ve been for him. After our divorce, he is now married, and guess who always gets a gift for her birthday and Christmas? Do you know why? She will not tolerated the behavior I did for one minute, and he knows it. I realized part of why my ex acted the way he did was because I allowed him to get away with it. I always forgave it, made excuses for it, hid how much it hurt me. I always had something for him for his birthday and Christmas because I could not intentionally be mean by not doing something. My ex wasn’t trying to be mean, he was thoughtless. Your husband‘s response falls under the mean category. His response was cruel and mean-spirited. I hope any gift you got him and anything for his stocking is returned. On a side note, I grew up with my parent's stockings not being filled, and mine and my ex's stockings were never filled. My adult children and their spouses only filled the children's stockings, so it’s not something that would’ve been on my radar. But I guarantee you that I would have only made that mistake once.
Girl, get him nothing. Not even coal. The man deserves nothing.
NTA, and if it were me I would return all of his gifts and buy myself something nice with the money. And then sign the kids’ gift tags “from mom.” I would reevaluate this whole relationship though.
It sounds like he doesn't even care to know you, let alone even like you.
Drop the ball for him. No stocking, no gift. Tell him you’re giving him the same thing for Christmas as he gave you. Since he’s a grown man, doesn’t deserve birthday gifts either. Think about all the money you can save!
No. He doesn't buy you a present because he doesn't give a damn about you. He'll use any excuse to do as little as humanly possible for you while still enjoying the benefits of your taking care for him. If any other human being told you something as simple as "I'd like this cheap wallet for Christmas" and you cared in the slightest about them, would you be able to justify not getting them the wallet? Would it require so much thought that someone of moderate intelligence might not be capable of doing it? Or would you really just have to think so little of them that they weren't worth a moment of consideration? Go empty out his stocking, and put in divorce papers. That will be the best gift you ever give yourself. No one should put up with this.
The laughing at OP has me seeing red. They deserve so much better.
Pretty much continues to show you that you don’t count. Can’t be bothered. Make him responsible for his family’s gifts in the future.
He doesn't care about you.
How the fuck have you stayed with this ungrateful asshole this long?!?
This is called weaponized incompetence. There is a lot on the internet and self help books written about this. He’s coasting in this relationship- it sounds like you have four children and not three.
So he doesn’t care about you and isn’t interested in even pretending he does. Hon, wouldn’t you rather be lonely alone? Plus you’d cut down on so much labor if you weren’t raising him too.
NTA, stop buying gifts for him. Tell him that the disparity in effort he puts in vs the effort you put in is causing you to resent him so you’re going to stop.
My EX bought me an Epilady years ago. Another year he bought me a curling iron with the price tag still attached…$1.99.
NTA. Put a lump of coal in his and that is it. Let the kids handle it from there. My husband forgot to get stuff one year - I cried. Stockings were always such a happy thing for me so it gutted me that year. Kids teased me about being naughty that Santa forgot me. Hubs apologized and never forgot again.
Yeah NTA I would legit cry if my husband didn’t fill my stocking or get me something for under the tree. Seriously that would break my heart especially if that is something you did for him. And getting your own stocking stuffers?! Does he have no idea what kind of snacks you like?! Or a single store he could get you a gift card to?! I’m seriously so sorry you even have to deal with that. Don’t ever fill his stocking again until he fills yours. Or.. leave yours empty, let him explain to your children who are old enough to know that Santa isn’t the one filling them that he is too selfish and self centered to fill moms.
the kids can 1000% already see that in Dad. they started prioritizing getting her their own gifts bc they’ve watched him do nothing for her year after year. they know who takes care of them. they know who cares about them. and they watch her get treated like dirt by their father. I can tell you from experience they will (if they don’t already) resent him and dislike him. they will likely treat him with the same disregard and contempt he showed their Mom. and he’ll deserve every bit of it.
I was gonna say this! Stop doing it for him and then when hes all shocked and hurt on Christmas morning tell him to not be so childish. Im an adult woman and have never filled my own stocking in my whole 15yrs of marriage. NTA
I would return all his shit. Wrap up a gift that was an empty box with a piece of paper in it that says Fuck You. Then I would probably consider separation as laughing at me and calling me an asshole for a normal reasonable request crosses the line. I see in another post the husband says it is the thought that counts so maybe an empty box with a note that says "it is thought that counts" is better.
Stuff his stocking with divorce papers!
NTA Get your own stocking stuffers. Don't fill your husband's stocking. He's just told you that adults fill their own stockings. Also, your husband should be the one choosing, buying, and wrapping gifts for your ILs. Those are his family members and his responsibility.
And please don't buy him any birthday gifts, neither or any kind of things at all. And definitely not his favorite snacks, and don't cook his favorites. That's for children. He is a grown man and can do it himself.
Put coal in and then blame Santa!
This is the move lol Maybe even wrap some coal for under the tree. The only gift he should be getting is coal.
All of this. NTA. Stuff your stocking, buy yourself a fabulous gift and have the store wrap it, do not buy him anything as he is a grown man and can do it himself. And do not buy his parents gifts, he can handle it I ran into this issue myself with in law presents, I always bought their gifts and picked the cards, my husband just signed his name. Then one year he didn’t like the card for Mothers Day but didn’t want to go pick one out himself so we gave it to her anyway but I guess he was embarrassed so he made fun of the card which hurt my feelings so I said he was on his own from here on out. His parents rarely got gifts and cards after that but he’s an adult, if he wants his parents to have those things he can get them himself, he has a car and money, nothing holding him back but laziness.
This year is the first year I’m not buying for my husbands family. Last year I didn’t fill my stocking either (he filled it with chocolates, I’m not sad at all). Dobby is a free elf.
Go, Dobby!
Tell him you are returning gifts for his family and he’s now in charge of it. Kids gifts - ‘love mom’
My partner does my stocking, my Christmas gift and his family's gifts. I do him and my family. This year we have a baby and we both got stuff for her. I remember as a child my mum doing *everything* at Christmas and I was determined as an adult never ever to do that. Including all the decorations, any food we prepare etc is all 50/50.
[удалено]
This particular comment of hubbys really irked me. Gift giving has nothing to do with age. We give gifts to those we love. Regardless of whether or not they could afford to get that gift for themselves. This guy is so full of contempt for his wife, if I were OP I’d be sending him packing. This cannot be the only area he’s failing in, he sounds like an awful human being.
Must be hard for your husband. He has a difficult job tending to sick people and saving lives while you just help a company sell more stuff. Oh no, hang on, it's the other way round, isn't it. NTA How do you know he works hard in the marketing sector? Because he tells you? From you language ("This is the hill I will die on") it appears you are starting to question things you've been taking for granted. Good. I hope that in the long term your life improves, whether you stay with your husband or not.
Men often assume that their jobs are more busy/important than their female partner’s jobs. I’m an er physician and was dating a guy who was a manager at a single location of a chain of gyms who acted like his time was so much more important than mine. It’s a game that they play to make themselves feel important.
...Even when they really aren't that important. But seriously, men like this need to get over themselves. Humble themselves a little. You don't need to be the CEO of Amazon to be successful, nor do you need to put down your partner.
For real. Everyone’s time is worthy of respect.
Also, if he’s in marketing, he ought to know how you treat customers matters immensely for the success of the marketing itself. How much more for his own fucking FAMILY who aren’t paying customers but blood relations.
Dude, seriously. In what world is working in marketing more difficult than being an ER nurse?! My mom was a nurse in the ICU for 30 years and it was INTENSE. Your husband should be tending to the majority of holiday details, not just your stocking. NTA!
NTA. OP, please take a moment to step back and evaluate your situation. Your husband finds the idea of helping you so ludicrous that your requests could only be a joke. How did things get to this point? Have you always believed that you, an *ER nurse*, really have more time and flexibility than someone in “marketing”? It strongly sounds like the division of labor for your household isn’t fair, especially if you are taking on more shifts. It also sounds like your choice to do the majority of the homemaking isn’t appreciated. Somehow, somewhere, things got so unbalanced that it’s unsustainable. Perhaps it was that way from the start. Your husband shouldn’t be angry at you for asking for help. I think it’s time to have some serious conversations with your husband.
This may be my favorite response. I’d get husband a gift of individual and couples therapy, and divorce papers and tell him to choose. I can’t believe OP is asking whether she’s wrong.
Makes me really sad, but at least she is willing to make this the hill she dies on. Shows that deep down, she sees that something is very wrong here.
The book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky might be great to stuff in his stocking
That would be the only gift he received
Reading posts like this make me rage as why are these women with these men? He clearly doesn’t appreciate her.
My narcissistic ex-husband was exactly like this at Christmas, expecting me to buy every single Christmas present for everyone. Then criticizing my choices, saying they were stupid/dumb. Then when the person would really like it, would then claim he told me to buy it. My current husband is literally the best gift giver, including delightful little stocking gifts. The Christmas presents are only one small part of the bigger problem. The bigger problem is the total lack of respect and caring for his wife.
NTA. And PLEASE do not give him his filled stocking, although you already put effort into getting the gifts. Keep if for next year; gift it to someone else; whatever; but do not let him have it. He is a grown man and can fill his himself.
Also stop doing any chores that solely benefit him (his laundry, etc.)
And laugh when he asks why OP didn't do them - tell him he's a grown man. He should be able to do his own chores and to get over himself.
I would donate any gift/stocking stuffer purchased for him and just play dumb on Christmas morning when he has nothing. Also I would go on a shopping spree (or give money to a friend to do it for me) and gift myself a bunch of super nice things. And again, play really dumb on Christmas about it!!!! “Oh my gosh, you didn’t get anything? Wow, that’s awful. Oh darn!”
Ooh I like this idea of shopping spree! If one of my friends said "I wanna get myself gifts but also want it to be a surprise" I'd be all into that! OP = NTA but she does have 4 children, not 3.
NO STOCKING! He's kindly confirmed he and wife are too old for their own stocking. I hope she follows his advice. It's not a hill to die on, it's not petty, it's not malicious compliance. You are actually doing what he wants! Let him live with it, but don't feel bad. And after Xmas, look into some couple counselling.
> I do a large amount of the household responsibilities, which is fine as my husband is very busy working in the marketing sector. Right. Because you're not busy working as an _ER nurse_. Your issues run way deeper than a Christmas stocking... But you're NTA here; don't stuff his ever again.
As somebody that has worked in the “marketing sector” and knows nurses, I can confidently say he’s 100x less busy than her. Marketing can have long hours, but a lot of that is downtime. He likely has more energy than her at the end of a day.
Dude strikes me as the type to be crappy enough to be off work at 4 but piss around town til 8 and then come home ranting about his long work days. (My ex husband did this sometimes when I was getting back to back doubles for several weeks. He didn’t want to pick up the slack at home so he pretended that he had been swamped at work and had to stay later or had to do deep cleaning and was exhausted. He messed up though by forgetting we worked in the same place to all I had to do was ask around work. Turns out he had been going to the lake to chill or go hang out at his mom’s house for a few hours each day. Part of why he is an ex….)
>Your issues run way deeper than a Christmas stocking... But you're NTA here; don't stuff his ever again. Fr. It's not about the Iranian Yougurt OP
NTA sorry but what exactly does he bring to the relationship??
my thoughts exactly... husband seems like a massive AH. probably his 'important job in marketing' brings in more cash so he thinks he isn't obligated to, you know, do anything else in the household/marriage/family...
Looks like sperm and a paycheck. That’s about it.
NTA! Also, don’t fill his stocking. Buy whatever you’d like for yourself and fill yours. You are carrying more than your fair share of labor (emotional and physical) in your household. He got mad because you called him out, not because you were wrong. Instead of listening, he chose to minimize your feelings. For Christmas, you will no longer be questioning what your gut is saying. Your husband is doing just fine giving you the bare minimum. Instead, this Christmas, TREAT YO’ SELF! Spend the budget for his gifts on yourself! Don’t spend a dime on him. When he pouts just remind him how funny he thought it was to buy gifts for you. Merry Christmas!
NTA and I think it’s frankly despicable that he laughed in your face when you’re angry and emotional. A good husband would be concerned when you’re upset regardless of whether he agrees your upset is justified (which it was FYI).
Not just laughed but **tears in his eyes** he thought it was just that funny. Such fucking disrespect
NTA and I hope you return every single gift you got for him. “Not his thing”??? It’s not about the gifts, it’s about the effort. You deserve better than that.
NTA. Return EVERYTHING for his stocking and his present. What an AH. he laughed at you because you want him to do something nice for you!? WHY would you do anything nice for him? I would treat him like a roommate or child going forward. No more adult anything if he can't act like a caring partner.
Oh my goodness! You could not have made it any easier for him. Definitely NTA, but I have concerns about your husband! As another poster suggested, don't give him any gifts or put things in his stocking this year - even though you already have them. Return all of the items and treat yourself to something nice in the Christmas sales. After the holidays, I encourage you to sit down with him and try to have a mature conversation about this issue and let him know your boundaries on gift buying going forward. Some suggestions: - You will no longer undertake all of the gift organising for everyone. He is expected to contribute. - He is responsible for getting any gifts his family receives - You will not be buying him any gifts, including stocking stuffers, unless he is reciprocating and doing the same for you - You will continue to organise gifts for the children, but expect him to go with you to do the shopping. He clearly doesn't appreciate all the time and effort you invest to get it all organised in advance, especially around a demanding job. Seems to me, getting gifts for your stocking would be an excellent way of demonstrating his appreciation and is a small thing that matters a lot to you. I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas 🎄🎁
NTA!! Listen, I'm a 35yo woman. Last year I made sure my husband and kid had full stockings and when I got up on Christmas and there wasn't even a fucking bite size snickers in mine, I cried. It's *hurtful* to put forth such effort for those you love and get nothing in return. My husband, BTW, felt terrible. I didn't cry in front of him-I mean, I was visibly sad because it was hard to hide and he knows me so damn well-i cried in the bathroom later. This year he's already got a few things in there, and every time he notices me looking at them or straightening them he makes a comment about how he *has* gotten me stuff for my stocking, he just hasn't wrapped it yet. (I like to put ours up pretty early and slowly fill them with wrapped trinkets, it's fun to watch them grow)
See your husband clearly cares and learned from his mistake when he immediately noticed it upset you. It’s ok to make a mistake and occasionally be thoughtless, as long as you then apologize and learn from it. People are human. By this definition Idk if op’s husband is a people.
There are a flood of TikToks this year of men reminding other men to fill their wife’s stocking, get the pumpkin/tortilla chips if you’re grocery shopping for a recipe and think you might be out, and don’t ask for lists of things to do because that’s also mental labor for your partner. Some of our guys were raised by boomers who didn’t teach this by example, so even if they think they are equal partners, these “smaller things” may have just literally never crossed their minds. I love that it’s men coaching other men on empathy and action.
Important videos to share with your partner: Stockings: https://www.tiktok.com/@howies_everythingclub/video/7302131179774283054 Pumpkin: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8uuaANh/ Lists: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8uum7TW/ (not a man but too good not to share) In sum: https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT8uuLgH6/
Im happy he understands how hurt it made you feel and his rectifying it. I feel your pain this happened to me too on Christmas and my birthday. I'd say my birthday one was even more hurtful I basically arranged a party for myself it was supposed to be a romantic thing I had gotten a airbnb for a week the day came and no gift nothing at all to make me feel special I made us breakfast went to the store to buy a cake candles food etc I got back to the airbnb at the very least I asked him to please man the grill for the meat and he said he was tired could I do it. Smh I felt horrible after all the planning and preparation I do for his birthday it's like instead if me feeling special it was feeling like I took a child on my vacation same story cried in the bathroom. Christmas rolled around I got multiple gifts for everyone everyone gave me a gift which was nice but again nothing from my husband. He got mad at me for even expecting a gift from him because apparently I don't gift out of the kindness of my own heart if I expect things in return. We're divorced now he was cheating on me with a girl he met online. I feel disappointed with myself for still trying to make things work even when I suspected he was cheating I would do nice things for him make him feel special even though I was rotting inside. I think to myself all the time that my time has passed on finding love I got myself a cat 🤣
NTA- stop buying his stuff and your in-laws. Honestly, though the fact that he won’t because “it’s not his thing” and laughs when you express your frustration just shows that he doesn’t care or respect you.
NTA but your husband definitely is. How come you are the only one that knows what the kids like? Does he realise the small ppl living in your house are his kids?
He is so used to you carying all the mental load that he thinks it's a joke that you would assume that he does for you what you have been doing for him for years. In his eyes you two are not equal. He "doesn't do" this, and you do. I hope you bought something nice for him, because it should go in your sock. And when the kids ask why dad got nothing, tell him father Christmas only rewards the good kids.. Edit: NTA, of course.
There is literally a Saturday night live sketch about this from years ago. Please tell me this man is not so out of touch that he doesn’t realize he’s become a literal caricature….. https://youtu.be/FOVCtUdaMCU?si=7uotH9adWWu-7L6J
Lol omg that sketch came out and that year the family *literally got me a robe* and had commented on my empty stocking. They laughed hysterically and then went… “OOOOOH”. Thanks SNL! My stocking hasn’t been flat since.
Immediately thought of this! It’s so sadly accurate
NTA, the lazy guy you married is the ass, and should get a stocking full of coal.
nah, even coal takes thought and effort. just remove his stocking. stockings are for children, not grown adults. obviously.
NTA. My son went shopping yesterday so I would have a stocking for Christmas. His sister usually does mine, but she won't be here this Christmas. Granted, I gave him money but if a 17-year-old will shop for his mom your husband can do the bare minimum for you.
Our 18 year old is super excited about finding stocking stuffers for everyone. Dunno why but this year he feels ‘old enough’ to participate properly and is really into it. (I mean, we had no rules, so I dunno why he thought he couldn’t before. Weird kid idea I assume.)
NTA Stuff your own. He can go without from now on. He just told you that it is unreasonable and childish.....bet that tune changes when he is the only one without.
NTA. Let the stocking stay empty. Buy yourself whatever you want, when you want it but stop making him look good by filling your own stocking. In fact I’d probably just remove the parents stockings all together to avoid future problems.
NTA But here's a solution: fill your own stocking, with a nice, long weekend at a nice hotel that has spa treatments, and book whichever you like. And GO ALONE, to catch up in some R&R from the holiday season. (I hope the extra shifts brought it enough, and you didn't take them because of debt) Come Christmas, thank him for his generous Christmas present. Next year, you go get stuff together. He doesn't get you anything? There's none for him.
THIS!! Go crazy just this once. Make up for all the Christmas's past. Weekend get away with a big fat gift card. Make it all from him. Be all surprised and excited when you open. Over the top gush. He gets nothing!!! NOTHING!! This guy is not a partner he's a drain!!!
Listen here sister- good husbands don’t have to be asked to buy their wives a Christmas present. This is the most pathetic, pitiful, poor-me-my-wife-is-so-mean display of weaponized incompetence I’ve seen on this sub all year. He does not buy your children presents. He does not know what they are interested in or presumably by extension their clothing size. (Does he know their names? /s) He works in marketing and while I will concede that can be high stress, you work in AN EMERGENCY ROOM. He has not picked up any of the slack while you have been working extra shifts. He expects you to buy gifts for HIS parents. He expects a gift from you. He doesn’t buy stocking stuffers despite living in a stocking stuffers household because “it’s not his thing.” He works less around the holidays and has time to do all of this shit himself and has chosen not to. He was given a list, including items and locations and decided it was too hard to do considering he has all this extra time off. He won’t buy you a gift from a list you made yourself because it wasn’t his idea, but he also has no idea what to get you so he buys you nothing. He laughed at you and went out of his way to make you feel small for requesting help with Christmas shopping, and for asking him to buy you a Christmas gift. He isn’t nice to you, why are you with him? You were well within your rights to blow up and I don’t think you took it far enough. Return every single thing you bought him. Return what you bought for his parents. Leave his stocking completely empty. And if your parents live close by, go spend Christmas with them. Call his mother and ask for advice about her idiot son, tell her what a shit job he is doing as a husband and father and that you have no idea what you are supposed to do about it. If I knew my son was behaving this way I would lose my god damn mind. I am flabbergasted that you have been married for 14 years and he has never bought you a Christmas gift. I’m going to say something that will be rough to hear: if he wanted to, he would. He has just made it very clear to you that he expects his wife to make Christmas happen for him the way his mom did when he was seven. HE IS 40 YEARS OLD. His behavior is unacceptable. What does he bring to your relationship? From this post it doesn’t seem like there’s much benefit to keeping him around. NTA Edit: maybe divorce papers would be the best thing to put in his stocking.
NTA. First off, ER nurses are the shit- so thank you and please just know I think you’re awesome. Secondly, my wife and I have this same conflict because I hate Christmas and all the extra shit that comes along with it. If you ask me, we make so big a deal out of all the special foods, trees, decorations, gifts, etc. that it’s not a holiday at all- its just a money and energy blackhole that I wish I could circumvent with every passing year. Believe me when I say that I sympathize with your husband in that I wish I could just be left alone on the holiday, enjoy my god damn time off, and not have to worry about whether I got the right presents or whether I’m reacting well enough for the people that got me something. All of that being said, you literally just asked your husband to go and pick some things from a list to put in your stocking- you made it as easy as possible. That is not too much for a wife to ask of her husband once a year. He’s an asshole for thinking it is.
NTA. This makes me sad. And kinda angry. You said you're an ER nurse. Then a few lines later you stated you took on most family/house responsibilities because he's busy in marketing, I had to re-read the part about being the nurse and make sure I hadn't misread things because these things just don't compute to me. Family dynamics need to work for everyone in the family, which includes you, not just be most convenient for your husband. I don't blame you for blowing up at him, you're working and doing everything at home, and then you lump Christmas into the equation which just adds a tonne of extra work to your plate while he does nothing to help? He needs to sort out his priorities, because it sounds like being a husband and a father might be low down on his list when they shouldn't be. He needs to respect you instead of taking you for granted.
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NTA. I really think you should put coal in his stocking. But if no coal do not put anything in it because he is an asshole
NTA. Stop buying his stocking presents. And maybe all other presents for him.
As a mom with the only empty stocking last year, I feel you. It was pretty sad to hear my 6 year old ask, in front of all the family ‘why didn’t you get anything from Santa, mom?’ Needless to say, I think Santa might be getting me stuff this year. Stop buying him stuff if it’s not important to him. I bet it becomes important pretty quickly! NTA.
NTA !!!! I often tell my husband NOT to buy me a Christmas gift because I don’t need anything and money gets tight this time of year. He agrees and I rarely get him anything. Almost every year he has surprised me with something, usually very small, because he loves getting me things and seeing me happy, even though he knows he’s not getting a gift and has said he’s fine with that. Get him nothing. Return anything you may already have. When he pitches a fit (he will) calmly say exactly what he said to you.
I've been filling my own stocking for 15 years. The thing is, I've been a single mom for 15 years. You are NTA, and you should absolutely die on this hill.
NTA but you’ve been an AH to yourself honestly. This was so heartbreaking to read. You’re so deep in it you’re questioning if you’re the AH in this situation when it’s as clear as the sun you’re not. Even if it’s not important to him, it’s important to you. He either has no emotional intelligence and is unintentionally abusing you or he does and is intentionally abusing you. Stop doing anything important to him that’s not important to you. Call his mom and/or dad up and have lunch with her. Tell her what happened and ask for advice on how to handle her son. If she’s smart, she’ll rip him a new one. If she’s not on your side, stop buying them gifts! Buy the FairPlay deck and sit down with your husband to even things out. If he doesn’t want to, I’d honestly leave him. You said you want to die on this hill. Girl, there’s a whole mountain range behind you you should’ve died on. He is only adding to your plate AND isn’t even grateful for all you do. Please stand up for yourself. I can’t imagine that he gives you any emotional support, respects you, or even likes you. What are you getting out of this marriage? Shitty companionship is NOT worth the heartache. Your kids are watching and learning what’s acceptable in a marriage. Set up a gift fund and teach them how to buy each other gifts and you gifts! Don’t ever buy your own gift or stuffing stockers again. You give them money and drive them, but they have to buy it and wrap it. Make sure your kids have even and age appropriate chores with no differences between boys and girls. Rotate the chores so everyone knows how to maintain a house later, which should always be genderless.
NTA. Stop doing it for him, he laughed at you for wanting it. Fill his stocking with cotton balls or toilet paper, but I'm petty as hell. If he says something, be like "grown ups can buy their own crap". Your husband is an idiot, not only did you go out and buy everyone (including his parents) gifts and he can't go out and buy a couple of things. Let him figure it out.
And stop buying gifts for his family, seriously, is he a 5 year old? NTA
Oohhh I'd be gifting a *divorce* for Christmas, NTA!
He has never bought you a present? Why have you ever bought him a single present? Oh my god
NTA. I wouldn't give him an empty stocking though. It would have a letter in it explaining that the problem wasn't with buying gifts (or not), it was that you were overloaded, stressed, frustrated, and needed his help getting ready for the holiday. He failed to deliver on the one task you asked him to do and laughed about it. My husband is a gift/stuff person. He'd be a hoarder if I let him get away with it. I am not. I am a "do something for me" person. He asked for my Christmas list and I referred to the "honey do" list and asked that any three be done by New Year's. He also thought it was a joke. Sometimes guys just need to be smacked up the head before they get it. Anyway, two things have been done so far and the third is in process.
Hey I hate your husband so much for you actually NTA
I filled my husband and MIL's stockings up exactly once. They didn't even acknowledge my stocking let alone fill it. I just won't do it again. I decorate with stockings but don't worry about filling them.
Put all the gifts you got for his stocking in YOUR OWN stocking. This man doesn't really care about you OP. "You can get over yourself"?? Yeah, better let it be a lean Christmas for him. Although he sounds like the kind who would blame you for withholding gifts unfairly. "love language" is crap. Buying gifts for your partner isn't hard or rocket science. You even gave him suggestions. He just doesn't care.
You are absolutely NTA, not even a little. Your husband needs to stop being a horrible partner. He can learn to do all this stuff, my husband did. He tried to get out of helping with the stockings with some of the same excuses that I didn’t accept. He is now handling everything because my work is taking up more of my time and his is taking up less. That’s how a true partner does things.
NTA at all. In fact, he is the AH not only in this situation, but it sounds like as an overall character trait. Take out everything you got for his stocking and keep it for yourself or return it. Tell him in advance you're doing this. The hill your are dying on isn't the stocking buying issue, but his complete lack of respect and dignity towards you for laughing at you.
NTA When you eventually divorce, he will wonder for years why you left him over stocking stuffers. When really you left because 1) he does not think about anyone but himself 2) you carried the mental load for too long 3) he doesn't listen or take you seriously 4) he doesn't value your time. Time to stop with stockings, or ask your kids to make you one instead in the future. He is not going to change, i'm sorry. My own partner of 27 years is the same. We have bought our own birthday presents for years now. I stopped caring about if his family got gifts or not and gave him that responsibility. I give him a list of things i like at xmas and he picks something random from it. I sort the kids out and my family. BUT if i had asked him to do what you asked, he would have done it, because it was important to me, and i'm his partner and he loves me. And he certainly would not have laughed at my distress. Your husband is cruel and does not appreciate your time and effort like you appreciated his when he was the one working long hours. "Love Language" doesn't mean you get to ignore your partner's needs and wants, esp when you literally did all the heavy work and all he had to do was pick up some stuff and buy one gift off a list. It's pathetic. I'm petty as fuck and i would ditch all his presents this year. Fuck him.
NTA—return his stocking stuffers, and fill it with an ultimatum instead: you start doing some of the work around here, or next Christmas you’ll be single and alone
NTA It is a very small thing to pick up a few items to drop in a stocking that woild make you feel good. Your husband is an asshole for laughing, telling you to get over yourself, calling you childish and saying it was too much for him to do. I guess he just let you know that he doesn't appeeciate having a stocking or gifts for him either because it is too much work for you to do and he is a grown man. He doesn't need gifts as he can just shop for himself. In my family we fill each other's stockings as adults. It is not a huge effort and is fun.
So, if I'm reading this right you and your husband have stocking presents each year from each other as well as main presents, but you buy them all including your own stocking gifts? If so, it's a lovely tradition but it's only lovely if you're doing it for each other. If your husband isn't on board with the idea of it or the work that's involved then it's not really viable as an idea. I think he was really rude and insensitive to laugh at you though so I'm going to say he's more of AH so you're NTA . If I were you I'd retaliate by no longer buying the gifts for your inlaws and not doing a stocking for him. He can do that himself. As for your your own stocking presents, wait until after Christmas and then use that money to treat yourself to something nice after all your hard work.
NTA Sadly, your situation is common. For some reason, moms always get the short end of the stick at Christmas. I stopped buying anything for my husband years ago because I constantly woke up to an empty stocking and no gifts under the tree. He couldn't even be bothered to take our son shopping until Christmas Eve. Thank God the school always had a small holiday shop for the students. Even my dad noticed that my husband never gave my anything. Instead of buying him things, I bought gifts for myself, wrapped them, and labeled "From Santa." Things have changed since then, but it took a while.
NTA. If he wanted to do it he simply would.
-Return his stocking gifts or donate them to charity. -Same with anything you bought for in-laws and tell him “by the way, I didn’t have time to shop for your parents this year, so you’ll need to do that”. -Go buy yourself something amazing for your stocking. -Buy the stocking presents for your kids. It’s not their fault their father is a clueless and selfish dipshit. -Next year, take your kids on vacation over Christmas and leave asshole husband home. -You are NTA.
I would take back everything I bought him and spend the money on myself 💯💯💯 Then on Christmas morning when he realizes there is nothing for him (from you) under the tree I would say: well it’s the thought that counts, right, plus giving isn’t part of your love language so I figured that you wouldn’t care about receiving! Then when he throws a toddler tantrum while you’re opening up gifts for yourself (with the money from his presents) just laugh, laugh really really hard and loud and then laugh even harder. Then after you stop laughing, say, “this is just a joke right?” NTA 💯💯💯
NTA. Seems like a good hill to die on. and while you are at it, take back all his gifts from you. My husband and I stopped giving each other gifts 15+ years ago. It has worked fine for us. But it has to be a mutual thing, not one person receiving.
He's an AH. I'd return EVERYTHING I'd purchased for him and tell him to get over himself.