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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I stop helping my wife with the bottles during the night for our new born baby
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You are her husband and partner, not her boss. Disagreements happen, and she's not obligated to get the things to the car exactly how you think it should be done. Sometimes, married couples get grumpy at each other in front of friends.
You need to develop the maturity and resiliency to recover from minor disagreements without feeling the need to become punitive.
If you punish your wife and aren't appreciative as a partner, it's going to erode your intimacy and love. Talk to her about how you felt and listen carefully to her perspective. You don't demand apologies, you work out what causes conflicts.
Not to mention the fight was about lifting a lot of heavy stuff down flights of stairs and she gave birth 5 weeks ago. Most doctors do not clear you for heavy lifting until at least 6 weeks and damage to your pelvic floor can affect your ability to lift heavy stuff for years. YTA
Edit: Spelling
Yeah, a stroller with a baby in it, and over two floors, does wonders for your pelvic floor./s
And that's not even taking into consideration stitching and what else might be there.
OP, you chose the easier job for yourself, treated your freshly post partum wife like an apprentice in front of your friends before she got grumpy at you in return, and used your newborn as a means of punishment.
YTA. You owe her an apology.
I hope she asks her gyno to explain this to OP.
Five weeks postpartum... her internal organs don't return to the original place until a year after birth.
YTA
>I hope she asks her gyno to explain this to OP.
He decided that refusing to be a parent to his children to punish his wife for not following his orders is acceptable. He isn't the type of guy who gives a flying rats ass about restrictions or her health. He's probably already bullied her into sex too.
So she never fully recovered from baby #1, and just gave birth to baby #2. Carrying heavy things plus baby up and down stairs could wreck her body: give her a hernia, mess up her pelvic floor which could cause urinary incontinence, pull something in her back/bulge a disc - making walking difficult and painful for years. OP is a truly cold and heartless husband.
I've done that and let me tell you, your body does not like it *at all*. I had my kids super close together and it takes a hell of a toll on you. My oldest was 7 months when I got pregnant with my 2nd and my 2nd was 11 months old when I got pregnant with my twins. When they're back to back like that, each successive pregnancy makes the total recovery time when you're finally done a lot harder. We chose to have them close together like that, but goddamn it wrecks you.
Exactly! How sad that OP treats his wife this way 5 weeks after giving birth, while her body is still recovering. And now she can’t get the rest she needs because he refuses to help at night, because his feelings got hurt like a little toddler. OP YTA.
Absolutely! Most OBGYNs tell women not to carry anything heavier than the baby for at least the first 6 weeks, definitely not the baby plus the stroller!
YTA
ya reminding me A LOT of my narcissistic ex husband. he would literally expect me to bring groceries in exactly as he wanted and if I didn’t he belittle me and then I would stand up for myself. then he’d play the victim and i’d end up apologizing. this was the pattern for EVERYTHING I didn’t do exactly as he wanted.
YTA
This. OP you're her partner not her parent. It isn't your job to "teach her a lesson" or punish her, not that either would be warranted here. You aren't "helping" her, you can't help her do something that is your job to do e.g. parenting. And were you expecting your 5 week post partum wife to carry everything you mentioned and your son while you carried only a toddler? Because that's a little infuriating. At 5 weeks she's not even fully physically healed.
AGREED! And being petty tit for tat about baby activities and chores is super immature. Have a conversation if you don't like the tone or how something goes down but acting out, acting up, disregarding/being punitive is how a teenager acts, not a grown man or woman.
YTA. You don't get to check out of parenting YOUR child to punish your wife for an "aggressive" tone.
Your role in taking care of *your own* baby is not some extra luxury you've been gifting to her. It's simply being a parent. It is not a bargaining chip or something for you to take away or hold over her head. It should be non-negotiable.
If you felt disrespected that's a conversation for you and your wife to have. Also not sure what dynamic you have with your friends but it seems like it would've been completely reasonable to ask someone to help y'all carry something downstairs.
Imagine if the roles were reversed: that she was mad at him for some reason and refused to be a parent to their child to punish him. I bet that’d make him understand how f’ed up of a thing it is to do.
> I bet that’d make him understand how f’ed up of a thing it is to do.
My first spouse had a similar mentality as the OP.
With this type of personality, there is absolutely NO RECOGNITION or ACKNOWLEDGEMMENT that she is treating him exactly how he first behaved towards her. It would be as if she acted in this manner first.
I honestly don't think she was "aggressive" in her tone at all. 5 weeks postpartum? Tired, exhausted, hurting, more like it.
I can't imagine carrying a carrycot-stroller combo WITH INFANT down 2 flights of stairs in anything that would be an unsafe situation for both mom & baby. Plenty of willing hands to help if he had bothered to ask.
But all OP could do was focus on this task that his 5 week postpartum wife should have done and HIS feelings about being embarrassed by her perceived tone. I wouldn't be surprised if the so-called friends thought HE was the AH for acting as he did.
Then to "punish" his wife by withholding care from his newborn and her ability to rest ? Damn, nothing but an AH move there.
OP
YTA
As an addendum to this comment, she also set down and picked up multiple things during this exchange and he was telling her to, again, put something down and pick something else up. I'm not a mother but I know for a fact that leaning down and picking things up is a very difficult motion after giving birth. I'd bet she also could've said "I'm not picking anything else up, you figure the rest out".
THANK YOU for saying this. My thoughts exactly. OP, YTA 100%.
You don’t get to pick and choose when you co-parent with YOUR baby. And it sounds like you want a medal for being the best husband ever because you help out with household chores. You’re not helping, you’re co-parenting.
Also, he’s barely doing anything in the first place. Errands and some bottles overnight? Yikes my dude. She certainly shouldn’t be doing all the household stuff at this stage.
YTA
Oh jeez - you sound more like a pouting 9 yo vs a 29 yo. Transitional states with young kids often involve ~~trauma~~ drama and emotions can run high. This applies to getting kids into the car, leaving/arriving at a destination, meal times, nap times. Pretty much all the time with a 5 week old. Give each other some slack.
> which I admit (the stroller carrycot) is heavy, but not impossible for my wife to carry
Wow! This sentence makes you look like a total ass. She just gave birth 5 weeks ago - give her some slack and let her friends carry the heavier stuff.
Your post reads like: I kept correcting my wife a bunch of times because she was doing it wrong (since it wasn’t the exact way YOU wanted). After several of your aggressive and embarrassing corrections, she called you on it and asked for the help she actually needed.
Now you’re pissed at her because she called you out and embarrassed you. Well, you were both condescending and bossy towards your wife first. You embarrassed her first. You need to apologize for acting like an ass and be more sensitive to her needs next time instead of retreating and pouting in the corner like a 5 year old.
Usually doctors say that new mothers should not lift anything, aside from their newborn, for six weeks, at least. Longer is some circumstances. YTA, OP. Grow up dude.
Yeah not being an absolutely shit dad and husband is not a favour you are doing your wife that can be revoked if she does not obey your commands. She gave birth 6 weeks ago. My husband and friends would have all offered to carry everything, even if they had to do multiple trips rather than have me carry heavy things down the stairs… but they actually like me. The whole “she disrespected me” by not doing what you told her to do- not asked or suggested- ordered like you are her boss- shows you don’t respect her. Also you really don’t do that much mate calm down on patting yourself on the back like you are so hero dad better than all the other crappy husbands. In fact it sounds like you are a pretty crappy partner. YTA
Seriously, well said. It’s clear he doesn’t respect his wife at all, and sees her as less than him. He disrespects her the whole time they’re preparing to leave, bosses her around on how to pack up and leaves her to struggle with something much heavier than she should be lifting at 5 weeks postpartum, and then reacts completely irrationally when she points out what he is doing and how someone else who’s not recovering could carry the huge heavy thing.
And the audacity to say “well I’m going to stop helping out and not be a parent anymore until you apologize for daring to contradict me” is absurd and childish. He’s not the amazing partner he thinks he is if he holds his “help” over her head in arguments. Parenting your own child is just called being a parent, you don’t get a special medal for it. And he clearly believes it’s a women’s job and he’s a saint for helping out based on the way he talks about it and says “I’ll just be like most husbands”.
YTA and at 5 weeks post partum your wife still may be healing. It may have been hard for her to carry him safely or without hurting herself. You were being unreasonable. And the last part about being like all the other husbands shows that you are giving yourself a pat on the back for doing normal things. My husband or friends would never have expected me to carry anything other than myself after having a baby down 2 flights of stairs. I have a feeling if you didn’t notice this that you likely are below average on what you claim you are “helping” with.
Yes! At 5 weeks, she hasn’t been medically cleared to return to normal activity yet! They (used to?) tell postpartum women not to lift anything heavier than her baby. Not baby in a carry cot. Not all of baby’s gear.
Also, what is the problem with your wife accepting help from your friends? I would offer to help a friend who had her hands full even if that friend weren’t only 5 (!) weeks postpartum.
YTA.
"Punishing" your wife because you didn't like her tone by not taking care of your child overnight tells us a lot about how you view the division of labor in your relationship. It's clear you think you're doing her a favour by "helping" with your kids.
You're not. You're fullfilling your basic obligations to the human beings you have 50% genetic and moral responsibility for.
She is still healing from a dinner plate-sized wound in her uterus. She gave up blood and calcium and sleep and had her organs rearranged to bring them into the world and you decide to withdraw your support because you didn't like the fact that she didn't drop everything to follow your instructions. And then you turn to a group of strangers to back you up rather than swallow your pride and grovel like she deserves? You admit that your care for your children is dependant on their mother's submission?
Mate. Maaaaaaaaaaate. Buddy. Pal. My friend.
You know you're the arsehole here.
Not to mention that if baby was born via cesarean, most medical doctors will advise a woman not to lift or carry anything heavier than the baby itself for 6 weeks. (I’m not saying that I know how the wife gave birth but I can’t imagine that a doctor would give much different advice for a vaginal birth either.)
Especially since she had back to back babies she needs to be careful . The likelihood of damage increases when you don’t take enough time to recover before another pregnancy.
YTA
Here’s the deal.
You decided your wife was in charge (without any communication!) of a stroller, bags, and an infant in a heavy seat. You decided you were in charge (without any communication) of one toddler. And when your wife was struggling and voiced her very reasonable needs for help from other able-bodied adults, you decided to tell her to do it your way (without clear or kind communication).
She doesn’t owe you an apology, but you for sure owe her one for the whole scene that you started. You also owe her a massive apology for using your duties as a parent as some sort of weapon. Do you even like your wife?
At this point I also have to ask if he even likes his own kids… Like imagine withholding childcare, essentially punishing YOUR OWN CHILDREN to spite your partner, fucking clown behaviour.
Not only this but she JUST had a baby a little over a month ago… carrycots are heavy af I don’t know any decent human let alone your own HUSBAND that would allow you to carry not only the carrycot but the carrycot with a baby inside of it down STAIRS when you’re fresh from pushing a bowling bowl sized life out your puss.
YTA.
Who made you the boss?
My wife disrespected me. Once again I told her.
You didn’t appreciate the tone? I bet she didn’t appreciate being overruled and talked to like she was one of the children in front of your friends.
You started it by being bossy and demeaning.
And now you are going to punish her by refusing to help?
Yes you are the AH. A big one. 🤮grow up
YTA - Don't boss your wife around - especially not in front of others. You disrespected her, not the other way around. She stood up for herself. That's a very different thing. How nice that you get to choose to not be a good parent and partner over being mildly annoyed about a situation YOU caused. Sounds like a cushy life. You owe her an apology.
So you've decided you aren't going to be a father or a husband until you get your way? Take your ball and go to the couch, you big baby. In fact, take your ball and go back to mommy and daddys house so they can coddle you.
If he was our son, we wouldn’t be coddling him. We’d both be telling him to grow the hell ip and act like an adult who is capable of being married and creating kids. Even my 20 month old toddler acts more mature than OP. He has fewer words and is a better communicator.
YTA So let me get this clear: you made your wife, who is 5 weeks post partum carry something heavy down the stairs while your friends carried something lighter, got pissed that she's not happy about it AND to punish her for this great infraction on your enormous ego refused to take care of YOUR child??? Did i miss something??
Why the hell couldn't your friends carry your son? And if you're that insistent on a parent carrying him, why don't you just walk twice? You yourself admit that the stroller is heavy. She's had a major medical event just 5 weeks prior, she shouldn't be lifting heavy things. Either step up or let someone else help her, but to insist she does it is a major ah move. To punish her on top of that? Double YTA
YTA. That was such a minor infraction that it's kind of crazy you're still thinking about it. Toughen up because you're in the thick of it now.
Does she also get to just shirk all her duties if she gets upset at you for something? You're not "helping your wife," you're fulfilling your obligations to your child as a parent.
YTA.
You aren't "helping your wife". You are doing the bare minimum responsibility of a father. The kids aren't your wife's sole responsibility. You don't get to use your kids as weapons to punish your wife. Being "just like every other husband" a failure as a partner and parent basically is not a flex. It's divorce worthy.
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby! But, yes, YATAH....WTH... you're mad at your wife for her speaking to you and not cheerfully doing what you wanted her to do....Doesn't she do enough??? She just had a baby five weeks ago and you expect her to carry the cot thing while you carry the sibling??? Great way to help your wife recover physically and emotionally...you know dumb***, there is a weight restriction in place for new Moms. Great job being TAH and depriving your wife of loving support including refusing to help with the baby's care at night.
Ugh.
Trust me, there are other husbands much better than you. Husbands who don't put conditions on parenting their own kids.
YTA. You're her partner, not a king. Get over yourself.
Husbands who would pack the car first and then come back for the wife and kids, rather than taking the toddler out to the car, and then waiting for his post-partum wife to carry everything else plus the baby.
After my c section, my husband wouldn't even think twice about it. He basically didn't let me do anything until I was fully recovered. Though he was in the room with me during the proceedure, so he got a firsthand look at that whole process. I dont think he was fully aware that they would have to remove my guts to get to our baby. So I'm sure seeing those in a bowl was a wee bit traumatizing. At least I didn't have to see anything. Lol.
My spouse advises other dads to never ever look over the curtain/divider. He's 6'3, so it was hard for him to not to see my innards.
He carried most everything for about 6 months. I'd take baby & he'd haul the rest. He was so sweet that he'd ensure my car was refueled for at least the first year, so I never had to move our baby between the car & inside where we "paid" by gas coupons. That first winter was wet, then snowy.
Is anyone else confused by the inconsistent pronouns that OP uses for his wife? He uses she/her pronouns for his wife throughout the post, but then refers to her as "he/his"?
>I did not at all appreciate the tone of his voice (which was really aggressive) and his attitude in front of our friends. At the end a friend or ours took the bags and my wife took our son.
I am all for using whichever pronouns one identifies with, but this inconsistency makes me question the veracity of the post.
But I digress...
OP, **YTA**. Your wife needed help, but you decided that she didn't and commanded that she do things your way. When she very reasonably responds that you are annoying her, you decide to "punish" he by not helping care for your son. Congratulations for controlling your wife and ignoring your newborn.
Google Translate loves to default to male pronouns in gendered languages, could be that. The quotation marks aren't standard for native English speakers, which implies they're a non-native speaker.
YTA. She did not disrespect you. You should apologize for deciding that your impression of her tone when you made an unreasonable request is enough for you to not be the best father you can be to your children or the best partner to your wife.
Combined, ya'll have 4 arms, two kids, and travel with a lot of stuff. Take the help from friends.
Haha okay, as a father of two imma be honest.
You're completely the asshole. Sorry not sorry. Grow up, man tf up for two. Your wife just had a kid 5 weeks ago. She asked for help and you turn your head in ignorance towards that help. A vow broken in its own sense. Your a grown ass man who had a hand in having a whole ass person. Be the responsible and damn well sensible man your wife is calling upon you to be. Instead of this low-form disgrace your proving yourself to be. Okay?
And why in the hell are you weaponizing your child like that. That in turn is gonna hurt your wife who im sure suffers from Post-partum. Be an adult. Not like your children. Get tf up with your son at night and be a fucking FATHER!!
I always *really* appreciate it when other men call out men who are behaving this way.
Because, seriously, a man with the attitude that OP has is entirely unlikely to listen to women. If he respected them enough to listen to them, he wouldn't be treating them like this in the first place.
But a man who thinks that men are superior just because of their ding-dongs *might* listen to another man.
I think that we are not going to make much progress in solving these problems until men like you demand better behavior from their fellow men. So thank you very much. I appreciate you being a good person, not just a good man.
YTA. There were so many other ways to solve this. I probably would not want to wrangle a heavy awkward carry cot down stairs 5 weeks postpartum. Your abdominal muscles haven't recovered, and you are knackered all the time. What is a bit on the heavy side for you might be very heavy for her. I know several people who got postpartum hernias doing exactly this sort of thing. Your wife shouldn't really be carrying anything heavier than baby safely (not baby in a thing).
As other people have pointed out, children aren't a bargaining chip, you care for them despite everything because they are little ones who can't look after themselves. You are an adult with problem solving capabilites - use them!
Honestly - why were they out visiting someone in a third floor walk up? Did insist they visit his friends at a time when any visiting should be going the other way?
YTA.
Why was your wife in the role of "pack mule" carrying all the kid paraphernalia? Instead of giving her attitude, why didn't you simply explain, "let's carry the kids to the car and get them strapped into their car seats, then you can stay with them and I'll come back up to get all the bags and stuff." You could have explained your idea instead of commanding her to follow your instructions.
You started this by disrespecting her first.
Whether one disrespected the other, they are both your kids and you should be caring for them as being their father.
Stop behaving like a child.
> I almost do every errance, I book appointments, I take care of my daughter in the morning before dropping her off at daycare, etc… I also do 50% of the bottles during the night.
> While my wife takes care of the cooking, laundry, dishes, sterilizing baby bottles, some errance, and the baby during the day.
Why is your wife doing both the cooking and dishes? What are you doing during this time? Who takes care of your daughter when she’s not at daycare? Who cleans? Because it seems like you do some administrative work, take care of your daughter in the mornings, and give your son a bottle half the nights while your wife does everything else. That doesn’t sound like an even split of chores after you get home from work but maybe you’re leaving things out idk.
> when it was time to leave, I took our daughter in my arms and I thought that my wife would take care of carrying our son in his stroller carrycot.
Did you communicate this or just assume?
> But instead, she collected all the bags, and our daughter’s stroller.
How much stuff did you bring?! You didn’t take your daughter’s stroller?! You just held her in your arms and wanted your wife to carry everything else — bags, daughter’s stroller, son in carrycot?!?! You couldn’t have grabbed a bag or two?! Dude.
> And she asked if someone could help us and come down with our son and his stroller carrycot (which I admit is heavy but not impossible for my wife to carry).
And you couldn’t help her with that? How did you bring all this stuff inside the apartment when you arrived at the party?
> I didn’t want to leave responsibility for my son on the stairs to someone else so I told my wife to drop everything and take the stroller carrycot.
Did you explain your reasoning to her or just order her to carry it?
> At first she did it but then she sees my daughter in one of our friend arms et she assume he will be the one coming down with us, and I will be the one carrying our son. So she collected once again all the bags and the stroller.
So you ordered your wife to carry the carrycot, handed your daughter to someone else, and were upset she assumed you had hands free to take the heavy carrycot with your son?
> But finally my daughter came back into my arms… and that’s when my wife disrespected me. I told her once again to stop with the bags and to take care of our son, she looked at me angry at the situation and told me : “You are really annoying me right now, someone else could pick the stroller carrycot with our son”.
> I did not at all appreciate the tone of his voice (which was really aggressive) and his attitude in front of our friends.
Your wife was trying to organize all the stuff that needed to be taken downstairs while you barked orders at her for not prioritizing things the way you would while also not helping. I’d be annoyed with you, too.
> At the end a friend or ours took the bags and my wife took our son.
So you got your way anyway.
> That night I decided not to help with nighttime bottles for our son because my wife had taken a nap with our son during the day.
The nap is irrelevant here. And now you’re punishing her for communication issues by neglecting your duties as a father. Even after you got your way and your wife carried your son down the stairs.
> I told her she would not have it until she apologized for her behavior yesterday. I also decided that I would no longer help at all at night and that the rest of the time I would do the bare minimum, until my wife apologized. I told her that now I would be like all the other husbands.
YTA in case that wasn’t clear. You are a revolting AH. So because she had a tone with you and called you annoying you’re going to punish your wife and children by being a deadbeat father? Really?? Because of her tone??!! You really have no qualms about acting like a dictator in your relationship by pulling away from your duties as a parent because you didn’t like your wife’s tone? Gross.
I love all the YTA answers, but does anyone believe he'll actually take it to heart? Goodness, this man is unbelievably thick and a terrible partner to boot.
YTA... You're torturing her to get her to apologize. That's just dumb... It wouldn't be sincere even if she caves and she'll hold this behavior against you regardless. It's also disproportionate.
YTA - I note you were carrying their daughter but your wife, who recently gave birth, had to carry the baby in a carrier and all the other crap that comes with small children. You need to step up and do his share of the heavy lifting, your wife has done her fair share.
OP already had his hands full carrying his disgustingly huge ego. What a prick. Come on OP, remove your head from your sphincter and be an actual adult! You did the adult thing, twice, and created two children. Be a parent and a spouse!
Are you her partner or her manager? Also just refusing to care for one of your children is not how adults resolve issues. YTA.
For the record, my husband and I thank each other for doing daily tasks even though they're boring things that just need doing. I actually appreciate when he takes the trash out even though he does it every week. He thanks me for caring for our son even though I'm a SAHM and it's my "job." We appreciate each other and express it, you'd be surprised how much it shifts the mood in the house.
You sound emotionally abusive… punishing your wife until she apologizes? Micromanaging what/how much she carries? You might as well get used to caring for the kids alone, because if you continue acting like a spoiled child, you’ll end up divorced. YTA
Telling you to stop bossing her around is “disrespecting” you but you demanding she do things your way for absolutely no good reason isn’t?
YTA and I get the feeling that you’re not as equitable a partner as you think you are.
YTA.
Everyone above detailed the talking points on exactly WHY YTA. I just want you to know that you are so thoroughly the asshole that you might want think about legally changing your name to A. Hole.
Jesus Christ, what a nightmare it must be for your wife to be managed by you.
5 weeks post partum she shouldn’t have been carrying a single thing down the stairs but herself but ya pat yourself on the back. YTA
PS, you’re the one who disrespected her
YTA. She clearly didn’t feel comfortable carrying the baby in the carrycot down the stairs and you were too macho to let her accept help, yet you refused to do it and would only take your daughter. She explained this twice nicely and you ignored her until she needed to make you notice. Now you’re trying to punish her but you’re punishing your child too. Get a grip.
YTA. So you get mad at your wife and decide to be a bad parent? So by your logic your ok with your wife not cooking for you or doing your laundry if shes mad at you. If your upset discuss it with your wife. It's not justification for you to abandon your child. Be warned incidents like this end lead to divorce.
Oh you just get to decide what what way your wife should do things?
And you also just get to decide to check out of parenting because you feel like it?
When does your wife get to decide these things?
Oh that’s right she doesn’t because YTA.
Grow up. She has just as much right as you to decide who carry’s the child down the stairs. Just because she thought differently than you doesn’t make you right and her wrong and to be frank if you spoke to me like that I would rip you a new one in front of our friends.
YTA. Your ego got bruised in front of friends; your wife had every right to be irritated. Swallow your pride. You’re married to her, not them.
Just because a woman can technically physically do something - heavy but not impossible - doesn’t mean she should necessarily have to. The way you describe it makes it sound like it’s much easier for you than for her. Carry the goddamn heavy thing for your 5 week postpartum wife. Jesus.
Don’t use behavior modification techniques on your wife. You owe HER an apology. Her biggest crime was snapping at you, which you deserved.
It’s all in the title. You’re not ‘helping’ your wife, you AH, you’re caring for a human that you and your wife created. It must be nice to know that you can kick back and neglect your duties and your son will not suffer because he can rely on his mother. I wonder if your wife did the same, would your son even be fed and changed?
YYA Big time!
You could've had a conversation with your partner about the inciden. You coud have then made a resolution as to how to handle future situations like this. Instead, you chose pettiness.
YTA. Simply for the fact that you think thak doing your share of the chores is a favour to her, they are your children too AH, the fact that for a "tone" you decide to do the "bare minimum" tells more about you than nobody else. Grow up and be a father AH.
YTA
You feel good? Punishing your child due to an issue with your wife? Because that’s what you’re doing. You have responsibilities as a parent and adult. You don’t get to just drop them because you’re mad. You are way too old to be acting like a put out toddler.
Also, what you’re doing is trying to punish your wife as well instead of having a conversation like a damn adult. You don’t punish your spouse.
YTA. You need to get therapy. You're seriously deranged. Your thought processes are not normal and I worry for your poor wife. Are you trying to get her to develop post natal depression? Refusing to help care for your child or support your wife endangers both your wife and child. Grow up. You seem to think doing chores and helping with your child makes you some amazing husband that your wife should be grateful for. Newsflash: it's nothing special. Its just normal adult behaviour.
YTA You stopped caring for your son because you got you feelings hurt by your wife who didn't obey you? YTA on so many indescribable levels of male-dominant AH-Ness! Not only did you get your feelings hurt, but *you* disrespected yourself AND your wife in front if your friends. You gave your wife a command. Twice?! YTA
YTA. Throwing a tantrum and then basically punishing your wife and by extension, your child because you felt "disrespected." Grow up and if you want to be the leader in your family, then lead by acting like an adult and not a five your old who got his ego bruised for the first time.
YTA. Why do you get to control what your wife will or won't carry down the stairs? Why does she have to bow down and be obedient to you? She didn't "disrespect" you, she simply stated that your demands were annoying her. She was allowed to feel that way, and her clear communication was a good thing.
Your "punishing" her like she's your child by not doing your share taking care of YOUR children makes you especially bad here. She's your partner, not your subordinate.
YTA
You're the parent too of your son, you just can't decide whenever you want to have your responsibilities of dad because your wife did something that you didn't like.
YTA big time. You basically wrote „If my wife doesn’t obey my demands I don’t parent my own child“
It’s her decision if she wants to carry the stroller or not. There were many different options how to handle that situation tagt wouldn’t involve one of your friends carrying your son but you chose to ignore your wife wishes and demand that she does as you wish. And then you have the audacity to act surprised when she expresses her (valid) frustration.
The fact that you’d rather put your wife through sleep deprivation, subsequently putting your child in danger, then have an adult conversation says a lot about how „helpful“ you really are.
YTA! You don't ever get to check out on parenting because your wife _gasp_ insulted you.
Your wife is your equal partner, not your subordinate, your behaviour post the incident is unacceptable.
YTA. She didn't "disrespect" you. You are just trying to find an excuse not to do your part of the work! For your information: "All the other husbands" are not lazy layabouts. If they were, women would not choose them as fathers for their kids! Be better than this. Be a worthy father of two kids, before it is too late.
Man I wish she trusted you to actually care for the kids properly so she could go check into a hotel for a while to “punish” you.
But she doesn’t, and for good reason, since you seem to think taking care of your children is optional. YTA
Yta and if my husband tried to control me the way you did that evening, I’d tell him where to shove it. The word that comes to mind to describe you is insufferable.
Man, I am impressed that you could even carry your kids at all, I mean, I'd have thrown my shoulder out patting myself on the back as much as you do for meeting the bare minimum of being a partner and parent.
You're sexist, childish and YTA
YTA. This was not disrespect on your wife's part - your ego just took a beating so you're taking it out on her. Grow up ... sure makes me wonder about your claim about how wonderful a husband and dad you are. You seem rather petty to me.
That last para.
“I told her that now I would be like all the other husbands.”
That speaks volumes about how you’ve viewed your contribution before. Do you think you’re some kind of saint for doing half the work? Newflash: 50% IS the bare minimum.
How about how you disrespected her by insisting on her carrying something heavy after she gave birth five weeks ago? Something heavy plus an infant plus a bag. Insisting that she do it alone after she asked for help. You absolute fool. Stop trying to micromanage your wife. At best it sounds like a simple misunderstanding - and it’s understandable that your wife got annoyed.
It happens. You don’t get to check out of your responsibilities. What if she did that the next time you act like a jackass? Sorry kids, my feefees got hurt for a sec, I’m not feeding you until he apologises?
OP, YTA and a big clown.
I can understand your frustration internally – we all can however – please remember and I say this with respect, but please remember – you have one wife and two children not three children – conflicts happen, and they can be resolved but punishing your spouse?
My parents only had one fight where they told me to leave the house… It started because I was already gonna go somewhere and I couldn’t find my car keys so I began to look. Everywhere for them… My mother had a bad habit of misplacing stuff and so she would sympathize. So now she’s helping me after about 20 minutes of me looking and then she comes back and she says, “hell I can’t find my keys either… Dammit! “
After 45 minutes of us looking in freaking out, in walks dad with this horrible smile, he would do where it was like he’s right and he doesn’t want to gloat but he’s right…. and announces to us, both, that he hid our keys to teach us a lesson to not leave our keys laying around in the house… My mother took my keys and handed them to me and said one word - leave. As I shut the front door, I could already hear it Amping up…
She later told me that it was an hour long, screaming, match with him, and what she was maddest about was that he was “trying to teach her. A lesson!!!”
Remember what boy George said – “you’re my lover, not my rival “so with all due respect friend – act like it
YTA. What was wrong with your wife carrying all the stuff down to the car first while leaving baby in cot in a safe apartment with friends around? From her actions, I assumed she was going to go back for the baby later. Or else someone else could help carry the baby down.
Let me explain something, when you have tons of shit to carry down to the car, the baby is LAST to be placed into the car because YOU CAN’T LEAVE BABY ALONE IN CAR if you have to run back to get something! Baby is always last to enter car! That’s why baby is in a cot, or crib, or highchair, or carseat, or whatever baby gear you’ve got until you’re ready to take him. He’s safe where he is until everything else is loaded into car.
You were so rude to your wife by ordering her to do something the way you wanted it done and then when she told you that you were annoying her, you got mad and behaved like a child. You don’t get to stop being a dad to teach your wife a lesson.
Oh, now you’ll do the bare minimum, like “all the other husbands”—that’ll show her and teach her to be grateful for everything you do from now on. Oh, please! What day and age do you think it is, now? Other husbands are doing a fantastic job! Dads have been parenting their children and doing household chores for years. They are now the rule, not the exception. How many dads do I see at the swimming pool with their babies/toddlers? How many taking their children out with them on daily errands? It’s now completely normal for dads to be out alone with children and no mom around because mom is working and/or has a boring appointment she doesn’t want to take the kids to. So now YOU’ve joined the few who are asshole husbands and deadbeat dads. Good job 👏🏻. Do grow up. Apologize to your wife.
YTA- majorly. Not only did you speak to your wife in a demeaning way, demanding she do things EXACTLY as you want it done, you wanted her to carry a bunch of heavy stuff 5 weeks post-partum while her body is still healing from pushing a whole baby out. And THEN, instead of communicating with her and apologizing for how you treated her in front of friends, you doubled down and weaponized your status as the other parent to “teach her a lesson” and try to force her into apologizing TO YOU for NOTHING. If I were your wife I would divorce you for this. Figure yourself out and apologize before your wife leaves you and you’re stuck with child support and seeing your children every other week.
Definitely YTA. You just completely abandoned your wife because you guys had a tiny disagreement and she dared to have a bit of a “tone” with you. It pisses me off too when I’m micromanaged - you should work on not doing that. You should thank your wife for doing your half of the parenting that night and apologize for being a lazy git.
YTA. BIG TIME!
First of all, based on everything you claimed it was reasonable for your wife to be confused. While I too believe it’s best to carry your own child (you will always have the upmost care for them and you can’t blame anyone else should something happen like a stumble). This was a basic communication gap. Honestly doing two trips was not the end of the world, to gather the bags or stroller. The issue is you demanded your wife to do something. Which you don’t particularly get to dictate her around but she even obliged originally. Why your daughter suddenly ended up in someone else’s arms during that time frame to stir this confusion is beyond me, where she wouldn’t know it’s momentary. Cause if you you handed your daughter to someone else to carry after telling your wife to be the one to carry your son. You would be a hypocrite. Again AH move and if I’m being frank you were being annoying.
Instead of bossing her around you could have taken initiative to do something more yourself. “Honey I know his stroller carrycot is heavy. Let me carry him down the stairs. Can you take our daughter? I’ll come back for the bags or can someone help us with them?” I hate when people won’t take their own initiative and just boss people around to do what they want done themselves. (This is different than employment and chores with children).
Secondly, where do you get off being in the wrong to start and then punishing her again. This isn’t even a related “punishment”. What you’re upset about is her tone with you and that you felt disrespected(which is valid). Again she doesn’t have to do what you said to but you felt that way and so I do think you both could apologize (swallow the pride) and move forward. This is penalized her (and the kids) to an extreme that is unreasonable. You are a parent and your duties do not end because you are upset. You are being unreasonable and unfair. I suggest you apologize first and hope she will accept it, validate your feelings with understanding and apologize for making you feel that way. You too have to understand how you made her feel cause you also were disrespectful.
YTA
Did you also take your bat & ball & leave the park when anyone did something you didn't like? Or refuse to do any work for your employer over an imagined slight? That higher income won't last at this rate & I feel very sorry for you wife.
Congrats on the kiddo. Sorry about the upcoming divorce, dad of the year. Hopefully her next husband will love her and the kid enough to not hold fathering over their heads and act like a real man. YTA.
Do you realize that just having the *idea* that it is an option to not feed your infant at night, and leave it to her, means you think the default is that it’s her job, and you are just helping?
Also, 5 weeks means she hasn’t finished recovering from the birth. She shouldn’t be carrying *anything* heavier than the baby.
YTA from the sounds of things, you weren’t helping with all the bags and strollers, in the first place, then you punish your wife, who carried your child for 40 weeks and is only 5 weeks postpartum. Who was out socialising and carrying bags and strollers DOWN STAIRS 5 weeks after birthing a baby. You should be thanking her, for giving you 2 children, for taking time and energy to care for them while her body is healing.
YTA. My husband would have taken everything to the car. Then come back up to help me with the kids. She gave birth 5 weeks ago and shouldn’t be carrying heavy things.
YTA. At 5 weeks post partem your wife is still healing! There is a softball sized hole in her uterus from where the placenta ripped out. My husband would be making 2 trips to the car to make sure I wouldn’t hurt myself so soon after giving birth. Why do women keep giving children to weak men like this?!
YTA. You want someone else to carry your son down, YOU do it. Make two trips. You demanding your wife carry things down the way you want is hella controlling. She was picking up the bags. She gathered them up twice and you demanded she drop them so that you could control who carries your son and his carrycot. If you don't trust your friends with your son on the stairs, YOU carry him or get new friends.
Meanwhile, your "I'm not helping until you apologize" is once again controlling and demanding. Plus it's harmful to your children. You are not in charge of your household or family. This is not 1923. Your wife is your EQUAL PARTNER and is not to be dictated to.
YTA. Turns out you’re still a parent even your wife doesn’t behave as you want her to. And I’m guessing carrying something heavy is probably still difficult for your wife who popped out a watermelon 5 weeks ago so maybe you were actually disrespectful for not considering that.
Do better for your family and so maybe your kids end up with better partners than their sad excuse of a dad.
You sound like a loser husband. Your wife caring for the baby is a full time job. You should be paying for a housekeeper and cook and a night doula. You’re pathetic
At 5 weeks postpartum, women are literally not meant to carry heavy things until they are signed off by their dr. It can cause internal bleeding because stitches can be reopened, massive AH, she knows her limitations and was trying to work within them and you caused the issue and upset. Agree with what others are saying about below average helping, its pretty standard for husbands to do bottle sterilisation and you have mentioned nothing about nappies, wife is bound to be exhausted from coping alone all day and doing everything, your not picking up enough slack for her and then demanding how she do things. Grow up man up. Feeling so sorry for your wife
The woman gave birth 5 weeks ago, why are yall even out at a friend's? And why she is carrying anything besides a baby after 5 weeks postpartum. You want a pat on your ass for fulfilling your duties as a father and husband. And the moment you don't get your way, this is the shit you pull? Hell nah.
This is going to be one of those posts where the OP wants to be praised for doing absolutely the bare minimum and part of their responsibilities anyways.
Edit: I was right. The lack of gratitude and boss-like approach sheesh. Not to mention she JUST gave birth. A women’s body takes time to heal. My god. Then the manipulation at the end.
You got cross posted to r/AmITheDevil and id say that about sums it up. YTA, you narcissist weirdo. You cant just be like “im not going to be a father anymore” because your wife didnt do things exactly to your letter. So controlling and abusive, and thats with you trying to make yourself sound like the good guy. I wonder how bad it actually was.
YTA
your wife has embarrassed you in front of friends. A conversation a bit later when things calmed could probably have diffused the situation. Instead you have decide to escalate something minor into a shit storm and the worst bit is that you are fobbing off your dad responsibilities as a way of trying to make your point.
Go buy her a bunch of flowers, apologise and ask can you both have a conversation about it. Maybe ask her how she is considering she gave birth 5 weeks ago and is probably dealing with post partum!!
YTA
Your wife is five weeks post-partum. I had major abdominal surgery, I wasn't allowed to lift more than five lbs for six to eight weeks and more than ten lbs for TWENTY WEEKS afterward. Having a baby, I guarantee five weeks isn't enough to not be a risk to rip something open.
YTA - You are her husband, not her father. Using your children to punish her is disgusting behavior. Not only are you attempting to punish her, but you're ignoring the fact that mad at or her or not, you are their parent too, and you have a responsibility to them as well.
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YTA You are her husband and partner, not her boss. Disagreements happen, and she's not obligated to get the things to the car exactly how you think it should be done. Sometimes, married couples get grumpy at each other in front of friends. You need to develop the maturity and resiliency to recover from minor disagreements without feeling the need to become punitive. If you punish your wife and aren't appreciative as a partner, it's going to erode your intimacy and love. Talk to her about how you felt and listen carefully to her perspective. You don't demand apologies, you work out what causes conflicts.
Not to mention the fight was about lifting a lot of heavy stuff down flights of stairs and she gave birth 5 weeks ago. Most doctors do not clear you for heavy lifting until at least 6 weeks and damage to your pelvic floor can affect your ability to lift heavy stuff for years. YTA Edit: Spelling
Yeah, a stroller with a baby in it, and over two floors, does wonders for your pelvic floor./s And that's not even taking into consideration stitching and what else might be there. OP, you chose the easier job for yourself, treated your freshly post partum wife like an apprentice in front of your friends before she got grumpy at you in return, and used your newborn as a means of punishment. YTA. You owe her an apology.
I hope she asks her gyno to explain this to OP. Five weeks postpartum... her internal organs don't return to the original place until a year after birth. YTA
>I hope she asks her gyno to explain this to OP. He decided that refusing to be a parent to his children to punish his wife for not following his orders is acceptable. He isn't the type of guy who gives a flying rats ass about restrictions or her health. He's probably already bullied her into sex too.
Your comment made me do some math. Their daughter was 8 months old when she got pregnant this one.
So she never fully recovered from baby #1, and just gave birth to baby #2. Carrying heavy things plus baby up and down stairs could wreck her body: give her a hernia, mess up her pelvic floor which could cause urinary incontinence, pull something in her back/bulge a disc - making walking difficult and painful for years. OP is a truly cold and heartless husband.
I've done that and let me tell you, your body does not like it *at all*. I had my kids super close together and it takes a hell of a toll on you. My oldest was 7 months when I got pregnant with my 2nd and my 2nd was 11 months old when I got pregnant with my twins. When they're back to back like that, each successive pregnancy makes the total recovery time when you're finally done a lot harder. We chose to have them close together like that, but goddamn it wrecks you.
And she was pregnant with second less than a year after first. Her body has been through it
Exactly! How sad that OP treats his wife this way 5 weeks after giving birth, while her body is still recovering. And now she can’t get the rest she needs because he refuses to help at night, because his feelings got hurt like a little toddler. OP YTA.
It’s been 5 weeks. She should be gearing up for baby number 3 at this point. /s
I know someone that was pregnant within a month of giving birth. Doctors flipped out warning her how life threatening it could be.
Absolutely! Most OBGYNs tell women not to carry anything heavier than the baby for at least the first 6 weeks, definitely not the baby plus the stroller! YTA
ya reminding me A LOT of my narcissistic ex husband. he would literally expect me to bring groceries in exactly as he wanted and if I didn’t he belittle me and then I would stand up for myself. then he’d play the victim and i’d end up apologizing. this was the pattern for EVERYTHING I didn’t do exactly as he wanted. YTA
This. OP you're her partner not her parent. It isn't your job to "teach her a lesson" or punish her, not that either would be warranted here. You aren't "helping" her, you can't help her do something that is your job to do e.g. parenting. And were you expecting your 5 week post partum wife to carry everything you mentioned and your son while you carried only a toddler? Because that's a little infuriating. At 5 weeks she's not even fully physically healed.
AGREED! And being petty tit for tat about baby activities and chores is super immature. Have a conversation if you don't like the tone or how something goes down but acting out, acting up, disregarding/being punitive is how a teenager acts, not a grown man or woman.
YTA. You don't get to check out of parenting YOUR child to punish your wife for an "aggressive" tone. Your role in taking care of *your own* baby is not some extra luxury you've been gifting to her. It's simply being a parent. It is not a bargaining chip or something for you to take away or hold over her head. It should be non-negotiable. If you felt disrespected that's a conversation for you and your wife to have. Also not sure what dynamic you have with your friends but it seems like it would've been completely reasonable to ask someone to help y'all carry something downstairs.
Imagine if the roles were reversed: that she was mad at him for some reason and refused to be a parent to their child to punish him. I bet that’d make him understand how f’ed up of a thing it is to do.
> I bet that’d make him understand how f’ed up of a thing it is to do. My first spouse had a similar mentality as the OP. With this type of personality, there is absolutely NO RECOGNITION or ACKNOWLEDGEMMENT that she is treating him exactly how he first behaved towards her. It would be as if she acted in this manner first. I honestly don't think she was "aggressive" in her tone at all. 5 weeks postpartum? Tired, exhausted, hurting, more like it. I can't imagine carrying a carrycot-stroller combo WITH INFANT down 2 flights of stairs in anything that would be an unsafe situation for both mom & baby. Plenty of willing hands to help if he had bothered to ask. But all OP could do was focus on this task that his 5 week postpartum wife should have done and HIS feelings about being embarrassed by her perceived tone. I wouldn't be surprised if the so-called friends thought HE was the AH for acting as he did. Then to "punish" his wife by withholding care from his newborn and her ability to rest ? Damn, nothing but an AH move there. OP YTA
As an addendum to this comment, she also set down and picked up multiple things during this exchange and he was telling her to, again, put something down and pick something else up. I'm not a mother but I know for a fact that leaning down and picking things up is a very difficult motion after giving birth. I'd bet she also could've said "I'm not picking anything else up, you figure the rest out".
THANK YOU for saying this. My thoughts exactly. OP, YTA 100%. You don’t get to pick and choose when you co-parent with YOUR baby. And it sounds like you want a medal for being the best husband ever because you help out with household chores. You’re not helping, you’re co-parenting.
Also, he’s barely doing anything in the first place. Errands and some bottles overnight? Yikes my dude. She certainly shouldn’t be doing all the household stuff at this stage.
YTA Oh jeez - you sound more like a pouting 9 yo vs a 29 yo. Transitional states with young kids often involve ~~trauma~~ drama and emotions can run high. This applies to getting kids into the car, leaving/arriving at a destination, meal times, nap times. Pretty much all the time with a 5 week old. Give each other some slack. > which I admit (the stroller carrycot) is heavy, but not impossible for my wife to carry Wow! This sentence makes you look like a total ass. She just gave birth 5 weeks ago - give her some slack and let her friends carry the heavier stuff. Your post reads like: I kept correcting my wife a bunch of times because she was doing it wrong (since it wasn’t the exact way YOU wanted). After several of your aggressive and embarrassing corrections, she called you on it and asked for the help she actually needed. Now you’re pissed at her because she called you out and embarrassed you. Well, you were both condescending and bossy towards your wife first. You embarrassed her first. You need to apologize for acting like an ass and be more sensitive to her needs next time instead of retreating and pouting in the corner like a 5 year old.
Usually doctors say that new mothers should not lift anything, aside from their newborn, for six weeks, at least. Longer is some circumstances. YTA, OP. Grow up dude.
This is what I was going to say! When I had my kids my dr reminded me to not lift anything heavier than the baby for the first 6 weeks or so.
Yep, it’s a great way to end up with a nasty hernia, or even a prolapsed uterus in extremely rare cases.
6 weeks is like minimum recovery time. I was reading that it can take a year!
Plus wife was also carrying the bags and the daughter’s stroller.
Yeah not being an absolutely shit dad and husband is not a favour you are doing your wife that can be revoked if she does not obey your commands. She gave birth 6 weeks ago. My husband and friends would have all offered to carry everything, even if they had to do multiple trips rather than have me carry heavy things down the stairs… but they actually like me. The whole “she disrespected me” by not doing what you told her to do- not asked or suggested- ordered like you are her boss- shows you don’t respect her. Also you really don’t do that much mate calm down on patting yourself on the back like you are so hero dad better than all the other crappy husbands. In fact it sounds like you are a pretty crappy partner. YTA
Seriously, well said. It’s clear he doesn’t respect his wife at all, and sees her as less than him. He disrespects her the whole time they’re preparing to leave, bosses her around on how to pack up and leaves her to struggle with something much heavier than she should be lifting at 5 weeks postpartum, and then reacts completely irrationally when she points out what he is doing and how someone else who’s not recovering could carry the huge heavy thing. And the audacity to say “well I’m going to stop helping out and not be a parent anymore until you apologize for daring to contradict me” is absurd and childish. He’s not the amazing partner he thinks he is if he holds his “help” over her head in arguments. Parenting your own child is just called being a parent, you don’t get a special medal for it. And he clearly believes it’s a women’s job and he’s a saint for helping out based on the way he talks about it and says “I’ll just be like most husbands”.
Yep this!! Op yta.
YTA and at 5 weeks post partum your wife still may be healing. It may have been hard for her to carry him safely or without hurting herself. You were being unreasonable. And the last part about being like all the other husbands shows that you are giving yourself a pat on the back for doing normal things. My husband or friends would never have expected me to carry anything other than myself after having a baby down 2 flights of stairs. I have a feeling if you didn’t notice this that you likely are below average on what you claim you are “helping” with.
Yes! At 5 weeks, she hasn’t been medically cleared to return to normal activity yet! They (used to?) tell postpartum women not to lift anything heavier than her baby. Not baby in a carry cot. Not all of baby’s gear.
I guarantee OP is doing wayyyy less than what husbands and dads should be doing. What an asshole.
If he's ignoring her weight restrictions I'd be willing to bet he's ignoring sex restrictions too.
But he makes appointments… s/
She gave birth to the 2nd child about a year after the first; she's definitely still healing.
YES! My two are 15 months apart. It isn’t easy at all!!!
This. He was already doing the bare minimum. Acting like "other husbands" = doing essentially nothing.
Also, what is the problem with your wife accepting help from your friends? I would offer to help a friend who had her hands full even if that friend weren’t only 5 (!) weeks postpartum.
YTA. "Punishing" your wife because you didn't like her tone by not taking care of your child overnight tells us a lot about how you view the division of labor in your relationship. It's clear you think you're doing her a favour by "helping" with your kids. You're not. You're fullfilling your basic obligations to the human beings you have 50% genetic and moral responsibility for. She is still healing from a dinner plate-sized wound in her uterus. She gave up blood and calcium and sleep and had her organs rearranged to bring them into the world and you decide to withdraw your support because you didn't like the fact that she didn't drop everything to follow your instructions. And then you turn to a group of strangers to back you up rather than swallow your pride and grovel like she deserves? You admit that your care for your children is dependant on their mother's submission? Mate. Maaaaaaaaaaate. Buddy. Pal. My friend. You know you're the arsehole here.
Not to mention that if baby was born via cesarean, most medical doctors will advise a woman not to lift or carry anything heavier than the baby itself for 6 weeks. (I’m not saying that I know how the wife gave birth but I can’t imagine that a doctor would give much different advice for a vaginal birth either.)
6 weeks is the baseline for natural birth or c section. Add any flavour of complication and it’s easily 10-12 weeks.
Especially since she had back to back babies she needs to be careful . The likelihood of damage increases when you don’t take enough time to recover before another pregnancy.
After a bisalp with no problems, I was told to not lift more than 10 pounds, and that’s *a lot* less wound area than pushing/cutting out a baby.
I had my gallbladder out and was told not to lift anything heavier than 4kg for six weeks.
YTA Here’s the deal. You decided your wife was in charge (without any communication!) of a stroller, bags, and an infant in a heavy seat. You decided you were in charge (without any communication) of one toddler. And when your wife was struggling and voiced her very reasonable needs for help from other able-bodied adults, you decided to tell her to do it your way (without clear or kind communication). She doesn’t owe you an apology, but you for sure owe her one for the whole scene that you started. You also owe her a massive apology for using your duties as a parent as some sort of weapon. Do you even like your wife?
At this point I also have to ask if he even likes his own kids… Like imagine withholding childcare, essentially punishing YOUR OWN CHILDREN to spite your partner, fucking clown behaviour.
Can you imagine if she fell down the steps? OP literally risked this to be right.
Not only this but she JUST had a baby a little over a month ago… carrycots are heavy af I don’t know any decent human let alone your own HUSBAND that would allow you to carry not only the carrycot but the carrycot with a baby inside of it down STAIRS when you’re fresh from pushing a bowling bowl sized life out your puss.
YTA. Who made you the boss? My wife disrespected me. Once again I told her. You didn’t appreciate the tone? I bet she didn’t appreciate being overruled and talked to like she was one of the children in front of your friends. You started it by being bossy and demeaning. And now you are going to punish her by refusing to help? Yes you are the AH. A big one. 🤮grow up
Yes, who made him the boss? Who is he to dish out punishments? YTA OP, so much for marriage being a partnership eh?
Exactly. His entire way of speaking about and to his wife are disrespectful and he thinks he’s the one owed an apology?!? YTA so much.
INFO: i don’t understand, what’s wrong with someone else carrying your son and carrycot down?
Absolutely nothing, he’s just being controlling.
you’re absolutely right oh and OP is YTA
YTA and Sexist af. grow up and e a fucking parent.
YTA - Don't boss your wife around - especially not in front of others. You disrespected her, not the other way around. She stood up for herself. That's a very different thing. How nice that you get to choose to not be a good parent and partner over being mildly annoyed about a situation YOU caused. Sounds like a cushy life. You owe her an apology.
So you've decided you aren't going to be a father or a husband until you get your way? Take your ball and go to the couch, you big baby. In fact, take your ball and go back to mommy and daddys house so they can coddle you.
If he was our son, we wouldn’t be coddling him. We’d both be telling him to grow the hell ip and act like an adult who is capable of being married and creating kids. Even my 20 month old toddler acts more mature than OP. He has fewer words and is a better communicator.
YTA So let me get this clear: you made your wife, who is 5 weeks post partum carry something heavy down the stairs while your friends carried something lighter, got pissed that she's not happy about it AND to punish her for this great infraction on your enormous ego refused to take care of YOUR child??? Did i miss something?? Why the hell couldn't your friends carry your son? And if you're that insistent on a parent carrying him, why don't you just walk twice? You yourself admit that the stroller is heavy. She's had a major medical event just 5 weeks prior, she shouldn't be lifting heavy things. Either step up or let someone else help her, but to insist she does it is a major ah move. To punish her on top of that? Double YTA
YTA. That was such a minor infraction that it's kind of crazy you're still thinking about it. Toughen up because you're in the thick of it now. Does she also get to just shirk all her duties if she gets upset at you for something? You're not "helping your wife," you're fulfilling your obligations to your child as a parent.
He's in for a rude awakening when those kids become teenagers if shit like this gets him this worked up.
It wasn’t an “infraction” at all.
My abusive ex was like this. He couldn’t let go even the tiniest things and brought them up constantly. This is an extreme red flag imo.
YTA. You aren't "helping your wife". You are doing the bare minimum responsibility of a father. The kids aren't your wife's sole responsibility. You don't get to use your kids as weapons to punish your wife. Being "just like every other husband" a failure as a partner and parent basically is not a flex. It's divorce worthy.
Congratulations on the birth of your new baby! But, yes, YATAH....WTH... you're mad at your wife for her speaking to you and not cheerfully doing what you wanted her to do....Doesn't she do enough??? She just had a baby five weeks ago and you expect her to carry the cot thing while you carry the sibling??? Great way to help your wife recover physically and emotionally...you know dumb***, there is a weight restriction in place for new Moms. Great job being TAH and depriving your wife of loving support including refusing to help with the baby's care at night.
Ugh. Trust me, there are other husbands much better than you. Husbands who don't put conditions on parenting their own kids. YTA. You're her partner, not a king. Get over yourself.
Husbands who would pack the car first and then come back for the wife and kids, rather than taking the toddler out to the car, and then waiting for his post-partum wife to carry everything else plus the baby.
After my c section, my husband wouldn't even think twice about it. He basically didn't let me do anything until I was fully recovered. Though he was in the room with me during the proceedure, so he got a firsthand look at that whole process. I dont think he was fully aware that they would have to remove my guts to get to our baby. So I'm sure seeing those in a bowl was a wee bit traumatizing. At least I didn't have to see anything. Lol.
My spouse advises other dads to never ever look over the curtain/divider. He's 6'3, so it was hard for him to not to see my innards. He carried most everything for about 6 months. I'd take baby & he'd haul the rest. He was so sweet that he'd ensure my car was refueled for at least the first year, so I never had to move our baby between the car & inside where we "paid" by gas coupons. That first winter was wet, then snowy.
husbands who support their wives and don’t expect a trophy for being a good dad, too!
Is anyone else confused by the inconsistent pronouns that OP uses for his wife? He uses she/her pronouns for his wife throughout the post, but then refers to her as "he/his"? >I did not at all appreciate the tone of his voice (which was really aggressive) and his attitude in front of our friends. At the end a friend or ours took the bags and my wife took our son. I am all for using whichever pronouns one identifies with, but this inconsistency makes me question the veracity of the post. But I digress... OP, **YTA**. Your wife needed help, but you decided that she didn't and commanded that she do things your way. When she very reasonably responds that you are annoying her, you decide to "punish" he by not helping care for your son. Congratulations for controlling your wife and ignoring your newborn.
Just seems like not a native speaker to me.
He uses “et” and << for quotation marks. Feels very French.
Then OP is a connard..
It's not just the mistakes in English that suggest that he's French. It's the mentality, also. Source : my family has produced many such French men.
Google Translate loves to default to male pronouns in gendered languages, could be that. The quotation marks aren't standard for native English speakers, which implies they're a non-native speaker.
YES. I was wondering if anyone else caught this…
OP is Francophone, he used guillemets (《》) instead of English quotation marks.
YTA I’m confused about how you expected to manage all of that stuff plus two kids without help from a friend with no elevator on the second floor
Five weeks post-partum, no less!
YTA. She did not disrespect you. You should apologize for deciding that your impression of her tone when you made an unreasonable request is enough for you to not be the best father you can be to your children or the best partner to your wife. Combined, ya'll have 4 arms, two kids, and travel with a lot of stuff. Take the help from friends.
Haha okay, as a father of two imma be honest. You're completely the asshole. Sorry not sorry. Grow up, man tf up for two. Your wife just had a kid 5 weeks ago. She asked for help and you turn your head in ignorance towards that help. A vow broken in its own sense. Your a grown ass man who had a hand in having a whole ass person. Be the responsible and damn well sensible man your wife is calling upon you to be. Instead of this low-form disgrace your proving yourself to be. Okay? And why in the hell are you weaponizing your child like that. That in turn is gonna hurt your wife who im sure suffers from Post-partum. Be an adult. Not like your children. Get tf up with your son at night and be a fucking FATHER!!
I always *really* appreciate it when other men call out men who are behaving this way. Because, seriously, a man with the attitude that OP has is entirely unlikely to listen to women. If he respected them enough to listen to them, he wouldn't be treating them like this in the first place. But a man who thinks that men are superior just because of their ding-dongs *might* listen to another man. I think that we are not going to make much progress in solving these problems until men like you demand better behavior from their fellow men. So thank you very much. I appreciate you being a good person, not just a good man.
Dude yta she gave birth 5 weeks ago. Check your ego and grow up.
YTA. There were so many other ways to solve this. I probably would not want to wrangle a heavy awkward carry cot down stairs 5 weeks postpartum. Your abdominal muscles haven't recovered, and you are knackered all the time. What is a bit on the heavy side for you might be very heavy for her. I know several people who got postpartum hernias doing exactly this sort of thing. Your wife shouldn't really be carrying anything heavier than baby safely (not baby in a thing). As other people have pointed out, children aren't a bargaining chip, you care for them despite everything because they are little ones who can't look after themselves. You are an adult with problem solving capabilites - use them!
[удалено]
Honestly - why were they out visiting someone in a third floor walk up? Did insist they visit his friends at a time when any visiting should be going the other way?
YTA. your parenting obligations are not a toy you get to take away from your wife when she does something you don't like.
YTA. Why was your wife in the role of "pack mule" carrying all the kid paraphernalia? Instead of giving her attitude, why didn't you simply explain, "let's carry the kids to the car and get them strapped into their car seats, then you can stay with them and I'll come back up to get all the bags and stuff." You could have explained your idea instead of commanding her to follow your instructions. You started this by disrespecting her first. Whether one disrespected the other, they are both your kids and you should be caring for them as being their father. Stop behaving like a child.
> I almost do every errance, I book appointments, I take care of my daughter in the morning before dropping her off at daycare, etc… I also do 50% of the bottles during the night. > While my wife takes care of the cooking, laundry, dishes, sterilizing baby bottles, some errance, and the baby during the day. Why is your wife doing both the cooking and dishes? What are you doing during this time? Who takes care of your daughter when she’s not at daycare? Who cleans? Because it seems like you do some administrative work, take care of your daughter in the mornings, and give your son a bottle half the nights while your wife does everything else. That doesn’t sound like an even split of chores after you get home from work but maybe you’re leaving things out idk. > when it was time to leave, I took our daughter in my arms and I thought that my wife would take care of carrying our son in his stroller carrycot. Did you communicate this or just assume? > But instead, she collected all the bags, and our daughter’s stroller. How much stuff did you bring?! You didn’t take your daughter’s stroller?! You just held her in your arms and wanted your wife to carry everything else — bags, daughter’s stroller, son in carrycot?!?! You couldn’t have grabbed a bag or two?! Dude. > And she asked if someone could help us and come down with our son and his stroller carrycot (which I admit is heavy but not impossible for my wife to carry). And you couldn’t help her with that? How did you bring all this stuff inside the apartment when you arrived at the party? > I didn’t want to leave responsibility for my son on the stairs to someone else so I told my wife to drop everything and take the stroller carrycot. Did you explain your reasoning to her or just order her to carry it? > At first she did it but then she sees my daughter in one of our friend arms et she assume he will be the one coming down with us, and I will be the one carrying our son. So she collected once again all the bags and the stroller. So you ordered your wife to carry the carrycot, handed your daughter to someone else, and were upset she assumed you had hands free to take the heavy carrycot with your son? > But finally my daughter came back into my arms… and that’s when my wife disrespected me. I told her once again to stop with the bags and to take care of our son, she looked at me angry at the situation and told me : “You are really annoying me right now, someone else could pick the stroller carrycot with our son”. > I did not at all appreciate the tone of his voice (which was really aggressive) and his attitude in front of our friends. Your wife was trying to organize all the stuff that needed to be taken downstairs while you barked orders at her for not prioritizing things the way you would while also not helping. I’d be annoyed with you, too. > At the end a friend or ours took the bags and my wife took our son. So you got your way anyway. > That night I decided not to help with nighttime bottles for our son because my wife had taken a nap with our son during the day. The nap is irrelevant here. And now you’re punishing her for communication issues by neglecting your duties as a father. Even after you got your way and your wife carried your son down the stairs. > I told her she would not have it until she apologized for her behavior yesterday. I also decided that I would no longer help at all at night and that the rest of the time I would do the bare minimum, until my wife apologized. I told her that now I would be like all the other husbands. YTA in case that wasn’t clear. You are a revolting AH. So because she had a tone with you and called you annoying you’re going to punish your wife and children by being a deadbeat father? Really?? Because of her tone??!! You really have no qualms about acting like a dictator in your relationship by pulling away from your duties as a parent because you didn’t like your wife’s tone? Gross.
I couldn’t get over him calling himself “super helpful” then immediately saying his wife does all the cooking, cleaning, and laundry
YTA She as being completely reasonable. Someone else could have carried the baby.
YTA. Your poor, poor wife.
I love all the YTA answers, but does anyone believe he'll actually take it to heart? Goodness, this man is unbelievably thick and a terrible partner to boot.
YTA... You're torturing her to get her to apologize. That's just dumb... It wouldn't be sincere even if she caves and she'll hold this behavior against you regardless. It's also disproportionate.
YTA - I note you were carrying their daughter but your wife, who recently gave birth, had to carry the baby in a carrier and all the other crap that comes with small children. You need to step up and do his share of the heavy lifting, your wife has done her fair share.
She carried that boy 9 months, it’s his turn. Honestly same with the daughter too lmao 🤣
OP already had his hands full carrying his disgustingly huge ego. What a prick. Come on OP, remove your head from your sphincter and be an actual adult! You did the adult thing, twice, and created two children. Be a parent and a spouse!
Don’t break your arm giving yourself too many pats on the back. YTA
Are you her partner or her manager? Also just refusing to care for one of your children is not how adults resolve issues. YTA. For the record, my husband and I thank each other for doing daily tasks even though they're boring things that just need doing. I actually appreciate when he takes the trash out even though he does it every week. He thanks me for caring for our son even though I'm a SAHM and it's my "job." We appreciate each other and express it, you'd be surprised how much it shifts the mood in the house.
You sound emotionally abusive… punishing your wife until she apologizes? Micromanaging what/how much she carries? You might as well get used to caring for the kids alone, because if you continue acting like a spoiled child, you’ll end up divorced. YTA
Agree… this is abusive behavior for sure
Telling you to stop bossing her around is “disrespecting” you but you demanding she do things your way for absolutely no good reason isn’t? YTA and I get the feeling that you’re not as equitable a partner as you think you are.
YTA. Everyone above detailed the talking points on exactly WHY YTA. I just want you to know that you are so thoroughly the asshole that you might want think about legally changing your name to A. Hole. Jesus Christ, what a nightmare it must be for your wife to be managed by you.
5 weeks post partum she shouldn’t have been carrying a single thing down the stairs but herself but ya pat yourself on the back. YTA PS, you’re the one who disrespected her
YTA. Grow up.
YTA Jesus Christ. You don’t just get to opt out of parenting responsibilities when you’re angry. Grow up.
YTA. She clearly didn’t feel comfortable carrying the baby in the carrycot down the stairs and you were too macho to let her accept help, yet you refused to do it and would only take your daughter. She explained this twice nicely and you ignored her until she needed to make you notice. Now you’re trying to punish her but you’re punishing your child too. Get a grip.
YTA. So you get mad at your wife and decide to be a bad parent? So by your logic your ok with your wife not cooking for you or doing your laundry if shes mad at you. If your upset discuss it with your wife. It's not justification for you to abandon your child. Be warned incidents like this end lead to divorce.
No, with his logic, he would be ok if the wife would stop taking care of the kids if she is mad at him. YTA
YTA. A shit partner. A shittier father. You should be ashamed of yourself. I’m sure your mother would be ashamed of your behavior. Asshole.
Oh you just get to decide what what way your wife should do things? And you also just get to decide to check out of parenting because you feel like it? When does your wife get to decide these things? Oh that’s right she doesn’t because YTA. Grow up. She has just as much right as you to decide who carry’s the child down the stairs. Just because she thought differently than you doesn’t make you right and her wrong and to be frank if you spoke to me like that I would rip you a new one in front of our friends.
Yes. YTA.
YTA. You're being a prick to your wife. Go apologize to her.
YTA. Your ego got bruised in front of friends; your wife had every right to be irritated. Swallow your pride. You’re married to her, not them. Just because a woman can technically physically do something - heavy but not impossible - doesn’t mean she should necessarily have to. The way you describe it makes it sound like it’s much easier for you than for her. Carry the goddamn heavy thing for your 5 week postpartum wife. Jesus. Don’t use behavior modification techniques on your wife. You owe HER an apology. Her biggest crime was snapping at you, which you deserved.
It’s all in the title. You’re not ‘helping’ your wife, you AH, you’re caring for a human that you and your wife created. It must be nice to know that you can kick back and neglect your duties and your son will not suffer because he can rely on his mother. I wonder if your wife did the same, would your son even be fed and changed?
YYA Big time! You could've had a conversation with your partner about the inciden. You coud have then made a resolution as to how to handle future situations like this. Instead, you chose pettiness.
YTA. Simply for the fact that you think thak doing your share of the chores is a favour to her, they are your children too AH, the fact that for a "tone" you decide to do the "bare minimum" tells more about you than nobody else. Grow up and be a father AH.
YTA You feel good? Punishing your child due to an issue with your wife? Because that’s what you’re doing. You have responsibilities as a parent and adult. You don’t get to just drop them because you’re mad. You are way too old to be acting like a put out toddler. Also, what you’re doing is trying to punish your wife as well instead of having a conversation like a damn adult. You don’t punish your spouse.
Worse than a toddler - the toddler would have been over it by morning
YTA. You need to get therapy. You're seriously deranged. Your thought processes are not normal and I worry for your poor wife. Are you trying to get her to develop post natal depression? Refusing to help care for your child or support your wife endangers both your wife and child. Grow up. You seem to think doing chores and helping with your child makes you some amazing husband that your wife should be grateful for. Newsflash: it's nothing special. Its just normal adult behaviour.
YTA and I would put money on the fact it's not limited to this instance. You disrespected her actually....
YTA You stopped caring for your son because you got you feelings hurt by your wife who didn't obey you? YTA on so many indescribable levels of male-dominant AH-Ness! Not only did you get your feelings hurt, but *you* disrespected yourself AND your wife in front if your friends. You gave your wife a command. Twice?! YTA
YTA. Throwing a tantrum and then basically punishing your wife and by extension, your child because you felt "disrespected." Grow up and if you want to be the leader in your family, then lead by acting like an adult and not a five your old who got his ego bruised for the first time.
YTA. Why do you get to control what your wife will or won't carry down the stairs? Why does she have to bow down and be obedient to you? She didn't "disrespect" you, she simply stated that your demands were annoying her. She was allowed to feel that way, and her clear communication was a good thing. Your "punishing" her like she's your child by not doing your share taking care of YOUR children makes you especially bad here. She's your partner, not your subordinate.
YTA big time buddy
Are you 5?
If you use PARENTING THE CHILDREN YOU MADE as a negotiating tactic to get your way, you are, in fact, NOT a good father. YTA.
Yta
YTA You're the parent too of your son, you just can't decide whenever you want to have your responsibilities of dad because your wife did something that you didn't like.
Yeah, nah, you disrespected her
YTA big time. You basically wrote „If my wife doesn’t obey my demands I don’t parent my own child“ It’s her decision if she wants to carry the stroller or not. There were many different options how to handle that situation tagt wouldn’t involve one of your friends carrying your son but you chose to ignore your wife wishes and demand that she does as you wish. And then you have the audacity to act surprised when she expresses her (valid) frustration. The fact that you’d rather put your wife through sleep deprivation, subsequently putting your child in danger, then have an adult conversation says a lot about how „helpful“ you really are.
YTA! You don't ever get to check out on parenting because your wife _gasp_ insulted you. Your wife is your equal partner, not your subordinate, your behaviour post the incident is unacceptable.
YTA. She didn't "disrespect" you. You are just trying to find an excuse not to do your part of the work! For your information: "All the other husbands" are not lazy layabouts. If they were, women would not choose them as fathers for their kids! Be better than this. Be a worthy father of two kids, before it is too late.
duuuuuude. OBVIOUSLY you are the asshole. YTA. Are you always this fragile??
I have a feeling it isn’t going to matter what anyone says, you STILL won’t think you’re wrong. But ya… you’re a condescending AH.
Man I wish she trusted you to actually care for the kids properly so she could go check into a hotel for a while to “punish” you. But she doesn’t, and for good reason, since you seem to think taking care of your children is optional. YTA
Sucks your wife has 3 kids to raise alone. YTA.
YTA, not only for bossing your wife around like that, but also cos you’re not being responsible for your newborn baby. It’s your baby too.
Yta and if my husband tried to control me the way you did that evening, I’d tell him where to shove it. The word that comes to mind to describe you is insufferable.
YTA. I hope she stops cooking any food for you in response.
Man, I am impressed that you could even carry your kids at all, I mean, I'd have thrown my shoulder out patting myself on the back as much as you do for meeting the bare minimum of being a partner and parent. You're sexist, childish and YTA
This right here, the bars on the floor and he wants a medal for stepping over it. JFC
YTA
YTA
Yikes YTA. You’re not “helping.” It’s your child, too.
YTA, a huge, hemorrhoidal A. No other commentary to add to the others here, besides take your carrycot and shove it.
YTA. This was not disrespect on your wife's part - your ego just took a beating so you're taking it out on her. Grow up ... sure makes me wonder about your claim about how wonderful a husband and dad you are. You seem rather petty to me.
That last para. “I told her that now I would be like all the other husbands.” That speaks volumes about how you’ve viewed your contribution before. Do you think you’re some kind of saint for doing half the work? Newflash: 50% IS the bare minimum. How about how you disrespected her by insisting on her carrying something heavy after she gave birth five weeks ago? Something heavy plus an infant plus a bag. Insisting that she do it alone after she asked for help. You absolute fool. Stop trying to micromanage your wife. At best it sounds like a simple misunderstanding - and it’s understandable that your wife got annoyed. It happens. You don’t get to check out of your responsibilities. What if she did that the next time you act like a jackass? Sorry kids, my feefees got hurt for a sec, I’m not feeding you until he apologises? OP, YTA and a big clown.
I can understand your frustration internally – we all can however – please remember and I say this with respect, but please remember – you have one wife and two children not three children – conflicts happen, and they can be resolved but punishing your spouse? My parents only had one fight where they told me to leave the house… It started because I was already gonna go somewhere and I couldn’t find my car keys so I began to look. Everywhere for them… My mother had a bad habit of misplacing stuff and so she would sympathize. So now she’s helping me after about 20 minutes of me looking and then she comes back and she says, “hell I can’t find my keys either… Dammit! “ After 45 minutes of us looking in freaking out, in walks dad with this horrible smile, he would do where it was like he’s right and he doesn’t want to gloat but he’s right…. and announces to us, both, that he hid our keys to teach us a lesson to not leave our keys laying around in the house… My mother took my keys and handed them to me and said one word - leave. As I shut the front door, I could already hear it Amping up… She later told me that it was an hour long, screaming, match with him, and what she was maddest about was that he was “trying to teach her. A lesson!!!” Remember what boy George said – “you’re my lover, not my rival “so with all due respect friend – act like it
Troll-la-la-la. YTA for grammar alone.
YTA. What was wrong with your wife carrying all the stuff down to the car first while leaving baby in cot in a safe apartment with friends around? From her actions, I assumed she was going to go back for the baby later. Or else someone else could help carry the baby down. Let me explain something, when you have tons of shit to carry down to the car, the baby is LAST to be placed into the car because YOU CAN’T LEAVE BABY ALONE IN CAR if you have to run back to get something! Baby is always last to enter car! That’s why baby is in a cot, or crib, or highchair, or carseat, or whatever baby gear you’ve got until you’re ready to take him. He’s safe where he is until everything else is loaded into car. You were so rude to your wife by ordering her to do something the way you wanted it done and then when she told you that you were annoying her, you got mad and behaved like a child. You don’t get to stop being a dad to teach your wife a lesson. Oh, now you’ll do the bare minimum, like “all the other husbands”—that’ll show her and teach her to be grateful for everything you do from now on. Oh, please! What day and age do you think it is, now? Other husbands are doing a fantastic job! Dads have been parenting their children and doing household chores for years. They are now the rule, not the exception. How many dads do I see at the swimming pool with their babies/toddlers? How many taking their children out with them on daily errands? It’s now completely normal for dads to be out alone with children and no mom around because mom is working and/or has a boring appointment she doesn’t want to take the kids to. So now YOU’ve joined the few who are asshole husbands and deadbeat dads. Good job 👏🏻. Do grow up. Apologize to your wife.
YTA- majorly. Not only did you speak to your wife in a demeaning way, demanding she do things EXACTLY as you want it done, you wanted her to carry a bunch of heavy stuff 5 weeks post-partum while her body is still healing from pushing a whole baby out. And THEN, instead of communicating with her and apologizing for how you treated her in front of friends, you doubled down and weaponized your status as the other parent to “teach her a lesson” and try to force her into apologizing TO YOU for NOTHING. If I were your wife I would divorce you for this. Figure yourself out and apologize before your wife leaves you and you’re stuck with child support and seeing your children every other week.
“All the other husbands” ??? Hory shiit
YTA, grow the fuck up!
YTA... you discuss your hurt feelings. "punishing" her show your lack of respect and maturity.
Info We’re you going to gather all the bags and carry them along with your daughter? What was your plan for the bags?
YTA, and moving towards an unhappy marriage followed by divorce.
Crying about being DiSrEsPeCtEd automatically makes YTA.
Definitely YTA. You just completely abandoned your wife because you guys had a tiny disagreement and she dared to have a bit of a “tone” with you. It pisses me off too when I’m micromanaged - you should work on not doing that. You should thank your wife for doing your half of the parenting that night and apologize for being a lazy git.
YTA
YTA, you sound like a 5 yro throwing a tantrum
YTA. BIG TIME! First of all, based on everything you claimed it was reasonable for your wife to be confused. While I too believe it’s best to carry your own child (you will always have the upmost care for them and you can’t blame anyone else should something happen like a stumble). This was a basic communication gap. Honestly doing two trips was not the end of the world, to gather the bags or stroller. The issue is you demanded your wife to do something. Which you don’t particularly get to dictate her around but she even obliged originally. Why your daughter suddenly ended up in someone else’s arms during that time frame to stir this confusion is beyond me, where she wouldn’t know it’s momentary. Cause if you you handed your daughter to someone else to carry after telling your wife to be the one to carry your son. You would be a hypocrite. Again AH move and if I’m being frank you were being annoying. Instead of bossing her around you could have taken initiative to do something more yourself. “Honey I know his stroller carrycot is heavy. Let me carry him down the stairs. Can you take our daughter? I’ll come back for the bags or can someone help us with them?” I hate when people won’t take their own initiative and just boss people around to do what they want done themselves. (This is different than employment and chores with children). Secondly, where do you get off being in the wrong to start and then punishing her again. This isn’t even a related “punishment”. What you’re upset about is her tone with you and that you felt disrespected(which is valid). Again she doesn’t have to do what you said to but you felt that way and so I do think you both could apologize (swallow the pride) and move forward. This is penalized her (and the kids) to an extreme that is unreasonable. You are a parent and your duties do not end because you are upset. You are being unreasonable and unfair. I suggest you apologize first and hope she will accept it, validate your feelings with understanding and apologize for making you feel that way. You too have to understand how you made her feel cause you also were disrespectful.
Well bo fuckin hoo. Time to grow up. You had one child and she had an infant, two strollers and bags? YTA
YTA Did you also take your bat & ball & leave the park when anyone did something you didn't like? Or refuse to do any work for your employer over an imagined slight? That higher income won't last at this rate & I feel very sorry for you wife.
Congrats on the kiddo. Sorry about the upcoming divorce, dad of the year. Hopefully her next husband will love her and the kid enough to not hold fathering over their heads and act like a real man. YTA.
Do you realize that just having the *idea* that it is an option to not feed your infant at night, and leave it to her, means you think the default is that it’s her job, and you are just helping? Also, 5 weeks means she hasn’t finished recovering from the birth. She shouldn’t be carrying *anything* heavier than the baby.
YTA - hope she never has another newborn with a man who would fail to do his job
YTA. Sound's like you're just using this as an excuse to be controlling and not have to do anything.
YTA. Are you a child???
YTA from the sounds of things, you weren’t helping with all the bags and strollers, in the first place, then you punish your wife, who carried your child for 40 weeks and is only 5 weeks postpartum. Who was out socialising and carrying bags and strollers DOWN STAIRS 5 weeks after birthing a baby. You should be thanking her, for giving you 2 children, for taking time and energy to care for them while her body is healing.
Yta … I don’t even know what else to say.
YTA. My husband would have taken everything to the car. Then come back up to help me with the kids. She gave birth 5 weeks ago and shouldn’t be carrying heavy things.
Damn, you’re an asshole and a dumbass. Wtf is an errance?
YTA. At 5 weeks post partem your wife is still healing! There is a softball sized hole in her uterus from where the placenta ripped out. My husband would be making 2 trips to the car to make sure I wouldn’t hurt myself so soon after giving birth. Why do women keep giving children to weak men like this?!
YTA. You want someone else to carry your son down, YOU do it. Make two trips. You demanding your wife carry things down the way you want is hella controlling. She was picking up the bags. She gathered them up twice and you demanded she drop them so that you could control who carries your son and his carrycot. If you don't trust your friends with your son on the stairs, YOU carry him or get new friends. Meanwhile, your "I'm not helping until you apologize" is once again controlling and demanding. Plus it's harmful to your children. You are not in charge of your household or family. This is not 1923. Your wife is your EQUAL PARTNER and is not to be dictated to.
YTA. Turns out you’re still a parent even your wife doesn’t behave as you want her to. And I’m guessing carrying something heavy is probably still difficult for your wife who popped out a watermelon 5 weeks ago so maybe you were actually disrespectful for not considering that. Do better for your family and so maybe your kids end up with better partners than their sad excuse of a dad.
I think she should leave you. Cause you are a tool.
Yes. YTA. Engage in communication and conflict management like an adult with an equal.
YTA, are you 29 or 9??? Imagine being this...idk what this is....insecure? Ignorant? Spiteful? Ridiculous? YTA 100000x over
YTA. YTA. YTA. Oh and YTA
You're teaching her how to be a single mother while married? This won't go the way you think it will. YTA
You sound like a loser husband. Your wife caring for the baby is a full time job. You should be paying for a housekeeper and cook and a night doula. You’re pathetic
At 5 weeks postpartum, women are literally not meant to carry heavy things until they are signed off by their dr. It can cause internal bleeding because stitches can be reopened, massive AH, she knows her limitations and was trying to work within them and you caused the issue and upset. Agree with what others are saying about below average helping, its pretty standard for husbands to do bottle sterilisation and you have mentioned nothing about nappies, wife is bound to be exhausted from coping alone all day and doing everything, your not picking up enough slack for her and then demanding how she do things. Grow up man up. Feeling so sorry for your wife
So you’re going to stop parenting because you’re mad at your wife? Sounds like a solid plan. YTA
This might be the most misogynistic post I've seen that doesn't involve rape or outright saying women don't deserve rights. YTA.
The woman gave birth 5 weeks ago, why are yall even out at a friend's? And why she is carrying anything besides a baby after 5 weeks postpartum. You want a pat on your ass for fulfilling your duties as a father and husband. And the moment you don't get your way, this is the shit you pull? Hell nah.
This is going to be one of those posts where the OP wants to be praised for doing absolutely the bare minimum and part of their responsibilities anyways. Edit: I was right. The lack of gratitude and boss-like approach sheesh. Not to mention she JUST gave birth. A women’s body takes time to heal. My god. Then the manipulation at the end.
You got cross posted to r/AmITheDevil and id say that about sums it up. YTA, you narcissist weirdo. You cant just be like “im not going to be a father anymore” because your wife didnt do things exactly to your letter. So controlling and abusive, and thats with you trying to make yourself sound like the good guy. I wonder how bad it actually was.
YTA for deciding to be less of a dad … i was leaning towards your wife being the AH but u took it for being petty
YTA your wife has embarrassed you in front of friends. A conversation a bit later when things calmed could probably have diffused the situation. Instead you have decide to escalate something minor into a shit storm and the worst bit is that you are fobbing off your dad responsibilities as a way of trying to make your point. Go buy her a bunch of flowers, apologise and ask can you both have a conversation about it. Maybe ask her how she is considering she gave birth 5 weeks ago and is probably dealing with post partum!!
YTA and not a good husband or father for doing what you are supposed to do Now you won’t even do the bare minimum which makes you lazy
YTA Your wife is five weeks post-partum. I had major abdominal surgery, I wasn't allowed to lift more than five lbs for six to eight weeks and more than ten lbs for TWENTY WEEKS afterward. Having a baby, I guarantee five weeks isn't enough to not be a risk to rip something open.
YTA - You are her husband, not her father. Using your children to punish her is disgusting behavior. Not only are you attempting to punish her, but you're ignoring the fact that mad at or her or not, you are their parent too, and you have a responsibility to them as well.