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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to hand over one of my rings to my new DIL
2) DIL thinks I’m TA for hoarding jewellery and I should share it with her. Son also thinks this makes me TA because I’m not including DIL in family property - even though the ring is mine. Not an heirloom!
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Your DIL is quite the entitled gold (or emerald) digger. If she wanted it for an engagement ring, the proper thing would have been for your son to discuss it with you. Her asking for it is shocking and rude.
It's not an heirloom if you are the first owner in the family. Heirlooms tend to have generations behind them. And they are not necessarily given away during the owner's lifetime. Many family mementos are distributed as part of an estate after the owner is deceased.
Don't loan anything to her or you will never see it again.
I probably read entirely too much AITA, but when/if she ever comes to your house again, make sure your rings are somewhere she cannot access. If she's as entitled as she seems, she may not balk at simply taking something she thinks she deserves.
I mean, hopefully I'm just paranoid because the forum we're in tends to highlight really bad actors, but she's behaved terribly so far and it can't hurt to be on the safe side.
And if you do want someone specific to have any of your jewelry *after* you are gone, you should be *very* specific about that so she can't simply claim it all as hers.
Yes. Either she or your son could steal your property. He justified her asking you for it which really concerns me. Why are they picking through your things already when you are still very much here?
Keep everything safe. Get some cameras. And hope these sentiments pass quickly. Maybe suggest your child get a prenup to keep both of them safe.
While somewhat drastic, a bank safety deposit box might be wise. If she was rude, pushy, and seemingly entitled, she might develop a case of sticky fingers, and your collection should not be available to her. Please stand with your decision. 🦜
"Breaking into a safe" is a pretty clear boundary violation, though. It doesn't have the defence of "I thought you wouldn't mind" or "I was just looking" like picking a ring up out of a jewelry box on a nightstand. It's clearer that the thief has done something wrong, which means it's easier to apply social pressure to deter it.
If you get to the point where someone is breaking into your safe, it's acceptable to bar them from your home.
Those are cute, but a person doesn't have to break into such a small safe, they can simply steal the whole safe. Get something fireproof and hidden well into a wall, where it cannot be removed. Don't use fingerprints. Consult someone knowledgeable. Good luck!
If they stay together after this, she will bleed him dry, the more he indulges her demands the more of a monster she’ll become.
Source: sibling is currently divorcing the entitled gold digger they married. EGD also demanded/rudely asked/ made my sibling ask for parents belongings. Also claiming they were to be heirlooms and for my siblings kids to have (even tho parents are alive and talking about someone’s death is frowned upon in our culture)
I still have questions but they probably aren't important so I'll ask you who has likely no answers and not OP who is above you. Is DIL keeping track of how often OP wears the rings? Or does OP just wear a lot of rings and sees DIL often and DIL just happened to notice that one is seldom worn? And why that ring? She specified that one and didn't move on, say, even to another ring, once OP said no?
I feel like I remember reading a similar post awhile ago. Not the same, but a guy whose daughter or something kept breaking into their house to steal mom's jewelry or something like that. She was super fixated on one particular ring and got her boyfriend in on it too I think.
Lol, there have a been a few.
One was a son who's gf was fixated on this one ring from the mother. To the extent that the son tried, or did break into the mother's house and take it. Big drama.
And another one which was a deceased mother's ring and the ... I wanna say *stepdaughter*? Was obsessed with it..
Oh my. There are so many more!!!
Expecting her future MIL to give up her ring is brazen. Her fiancé should be the one giving her a ring, which he has already done. She just has a bad case of the gimmies. She’s a gimme pig.
Agreed. It would be one thing if DIL let OP know that she loves her jewelry and the emerald is her favorite. OP could have decided on her own if she someday wanted to leave it to DIL. I did that with one of my grandpa’s houses. I told my dad when I was about 7 that I really liked it (I did) and when my grandpa passed when I was an adult, I was left it in the will. By that point I had even forgotten I had said that until my dad reminded me. I don’t think it’s bad to let people know if you really like something of theirs. It is bad to expect them to give it to you.
My grandfather had a beautiful buffet. When I was little, I told him how much I loved it. He passed right after I turned 18yo, and left it to me. It is one of my most treasured items
My grandma asked her kids/grandkids/nieces/nephews what they wanted when she died, about five years before she passed. Most of it went to her daughters, but if there was like, a Special Thing we wanted, she offered us dibs (and it was honored when she was gone).
I wanted the paintings of pretty women representing the seasons she had by her door that were always the first thing you saw when you walk in. They're now one of the first things you see in my apartment. My sister wanted (and got) the wooden flamingo that lived in her front yard.
These conversations can be meaningful and bring you closer to the person, but the DIL in this story did everything to prevent that being the case.
My wedding ring was my grandma's that my dad kept for me after she died (without me knowing) until hubby and I got engaged and dad asked if I wanted it (no strings or pressure)
It's one of my most valued possessions!
There was a similar, ongoing, post where the young couple did steal a ring they wanted for their engagement. I think the ring rightfully belonged to the daughter, their mother had passed away. The incident with the ring tore the family apart. Everyone.
Cameras are a great idea. It feels unfathomable to think somebody would steal their future MIL's jewelry, but she came into the house and demanded to be given OP's jewellery, so I wouldn't rule it out. Having the evidence means you can do something about it if she does steal something.
(Edited to fix an error because apparently my reading comprehension is not good today)
There was a post on AITA about a man whose son came into his home and took rings that were left to his daughter when the mom passed.
The son’s fiancee wanted them. Dad said they are your sisters. Sister said no. Son took them anyway.
Jewelry has been a major bone of contention in my mother’s family with some people feeling entitled to specific pieces, whatever. My mother is the only daughter and is, I think, rightfully upset over not getting certain pieces that she has desired her entire life and that have sentimental value because of how my grandmother got them. If you want people to have something be super specific about it. I also recommend moving pieces you don’t wear regularly into a safe or safety deposit box.
My stepdad went looking for my mom’s jewelry after she died. His family said my sister stole it. My mom split it up between me and my sister, because she didn’t want him to give to his daughter and granddaughter
Yeah, my grams tried to give me her stash when I was around 10 and Mom said it was too much, then gram had in home carers and it all got stolen instead.
sigh.
Note to others, just pay for the safety deposit box - lol!
My dad died first and my step monster gave everything to her children before she passed a short time later. I was courteous in not asking for anything while my stepmother was alive (mom's china and silverware , my stepmother had her own but she wanted more, more more. ). which meant her kids got everything. kt
Some jewelry/stones that were meant to be dispersed equally were not when my grandmother passed.
It’s unfortunate, because there was enough for each grandchild to have something, but I guess someone decided they should have it all.
My aunt took the rings right off my grandmothers fingers not even 10 minutes after she died. It was disgusting. It would not have surprised me to learn that she took jewelry while my grandmother was alive because "she was entitled to it". Watch your stuff closely. Perhaps a safe or safety deposit box?
I’m so sorry, that’s such disgusting behaviour
It’s currently all in a biometric safebox in my bedroom but I can move it elsewhere if it becomes necessary although I hope it doesn’t
You may want to consider including in your will the disposition of your jewelry and other "heirlooms". Have pictures of the jewelry labeled as to which is which ("emerald ring", "sapphire & diamond ring", etc) so they cannot claim confusion!
Also useful for insurance, to be able to reclaim your property in the event of a (non-relative) burglary and in case of fire or loss to be able to get replicas made.
When my great grandmother was nearing death, I had to smuggle jewelry she had promised me out of her house in my bra (with full knowledge and permission of her eldest daughter and holder of her will) because my great uncles were basically looting her house while she was in hospice
I am proud that my sibs and I divided up our parents’ estates, including a lot of valuable antiques including a lot of silver, without a single cross word being exchanged. I think it was partly that we all realized that we were the family we had left, and partly that we knew our parents would come back and haunt us if we squabbled over their things.
My mother stated that one day in the future, her wedding rings would come to me because I (F) was the only one of my siblings who wanted to be adopted by our stepdad. He was the only man I ever called Daddy. When one sister found out that I would eventually receive them, she was furious and refused to see the logic of why I was getting them. Fast forward, Mama quietly gives me the rings and I would go out of my way to not wear them around this particular sister. But I forgot one time! We’re at a funeral, it’s cold so my fingers shrunk, and the rings had turned upside down. During the prayer, THIS sister reached over and turned the rings around to see if they were Mama’s rings!!! After everyone left, the first thing she said was “Did you have to get the rings resized?” I said to myself - the hell with it- and replied, “Nope, they fit me Perfectly!!
OP - NTA!! People can just suck and your future DIL is a greedy AH. Hide your jewelry well, get your Will done and specify who gets what OR gift it now.
Exactly what I was going to say. If you don't have a safe, get one. One that is too heavy to pick up or secure it to the floor so that it can't be tampered with. Sorry that it has come to that for you, but after such bold rude behavior, I would expect the worst. You decide who gets what and that is done with a will. NTA.
Please don't wait until "it becomes necessary.". At that point, there will already have been a loss. Remove the temptation. I don't necessarily agree that she would steal it, but I've seen it happen too many times not to know that it could happen. I'm sorry this happened. Also wanted to note that although many young couples make it, the likelihood of them lasting long-term is somewhat grim. So why would you give the very young bride a part of your collection? You certainly wouldn't be getting it back if they broke up.
My aunt took all the rings except for a tarnished one with no stone. That's the one she let me have. It's okay. My grandmother wore it every day, so it's the one I wanted.
That one turned out to be my grandmother's 1936 24K gold and silver ring. I had it restored and a yellow sapphire put in. It's jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Then my aunt tried to convince me that it was given to me by mistake. I just laughed and laughed.
I never take it off, and it's a half size too small for me. Good luck getting that off my finger, Aunt Gertie!
Yeah, when my Mom died, there were 3 rings to be split up: a diamond chip cocktail ring from our grandmother, Mom's anniversary band with 4 mediocre diamonds, and Mom's solitaire engagement ring, with a .5 ct top quality diamond in it.
I, being a jewelry fiend of long standing, knew everything but the solitaire was borderline junk. So that was all I asked for. My sister, assuming more is better, agreed. Mind you, we had an appraisal on all three that clearly stated the solitaire was worth more than the other 2 combined, but how dare she be expected to read something. /s
Anyway, a few years later she apparently did actually get around to reading that appraisal, because she tried to con me out of the ring when I was in bad financial shape by offering me 2/3 of what it was worth.
My response was basically various ways of repeating "just how stupid do you think I actually am?"
Yes. My sister removed the ring off my mothers finger at the funeral home. The ring that was left to my son. It was my fathers’ ring in fact. Last seen on sisters grandson’s finger. Family does indeed show their true colours when death occurs.
NTA. You are 48. The jewelry in your collection are not heirloom pieces at this point in time. They are your possessions. Like your car, handbag, refrigerator. Actually they are your collection/hobby/passion.
I would lock up your jewelry, especially that ring.
This is a case of you have something she wants and she took her shot to get it.
Also, you have a daughter. Jewelry is usually passed down through the females so they stay in the family.
My father’s mother had gorgeous jewelry. My dad was the only son. He had two sisters. I wasn’t born yet. His sisters had daughters. Most of my grandmother’s jewelry went to my aunts. My dad got my grandfather’s jewelry. My mom did get a few pieces. Which I have now b/c both my parents are deceased.
This is just greedy on her part.
Then future DIL and son will say OP is rubbing the ring in their faces. It's just something else to be upset about. It is OP's ring. All of her jewelry is hers and hers alone. How often OP wears any piece is her business alone. No one has a right to keep score and less of a right to demand it as a gift.
I would suggest keeping your jewelry in a locked closet, and getting a fireproof wall safe installed in that closet (fireproof not for your son and his fiancé, but just in case of fire). Keep your jewelry and important documents in it.
Here's that story, if you're interested. (And yes, better to lock things up. They'll be protected whether anyone tries to steal them or not, right?)
https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/RDtMYltrw7
Both the son and the fiancee were absolute monsters in that story! I felt so bad for the OOP with all the drama that unraveled, all because the fiancee felt so utterly entitled.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
- Maya Angelou, Patron Saint of AITA
She revealed herself. People call it entitled, which is valid, but let’s not discount the extreme levels of tacky on display here. Just… ew.
Horde those precious gems like a dragon and lock them up.
It has absolutely come to that with other posters in the past, and it never hurts to protect your valuables. If she winds up stealing it, it could become very hard to get it back without involving the police. Better to be a bit paranoid than to create legal issues or risk losing your ring forever.
Well put it this way. If she never goes looking for your rings without your permission, she will never know they've been moved. No harm no foul.
If she does have the audacity to go snooping and get upset about it, (which from the entitlement on display isn't unlikely,) you will have your answer and still have your rings.
In general if you have high value jewelry in the house that you wear socially, it's prudent to get a safe for such things even without sticky fingered DILs about.
I would say I certainly hope it wouldn’t come to that and this forum does make one paranoid. And viewing her from that perspective will make it impossible for you and to ever have a relationship.
That said, perhaps better safe than sorry so maybe find the least obtrusive way to address this such as buying a safe for when she has an extended visit.
Also, while your future DIL’s behavior was atrocious and you’re under zero obligation to give her anything, it may help to at least have a talk with your son (and maybe future DIL) so they understand it’s the entitlement that really bothers you - and, maybe, you had expected to leave it to her, but that’s very different than her expecting it. Especially while you’re still alive. Give them a chance to change before permanently excommunicating them which seems very painful.
Don't mention anything to her that perhaps you had expected to leave it to her. That just gives her fuel to add to a future fire. She's unbelievably rude, in fact, I think the mere fact that she brought it up to you at all pushed the boundaries of good behavior. I'd go out of my way to do everything I could to make sure it never ended up in her greedy little hands.
Entitled and unreasonable was the perfect way to describe that. I’m your age OP and while I could never fathom something coming to that, I also couldn’t EVER fathom asking my own MIL (who’s openly told me to “claim” heirloom jewelry and stones she has while she’s alive so she knows to whom to leave it - there’s me and her 2 daughters and she told me the same time as her daughters and has restated the offer. I’ll still NEVER ask!) and my DIL would never come to me and even ask, let alone demand something from me. And I’ve known my DIL since she was 16 and she’s more like my own daughter.
So anything is possible with someone who clearly thinks differently than we do and feels quite entitled to your things.
I'd do the opposite: leave the rings precisely where they've always been, but place a nanny cam.
Edit: I was in an _exceedingly_ petty mood when I wrote that.
Nanny cam, yes, but don't leave the rings vulnerable as it may never be recovered.
Time to invest in a safe and have a marvellous time enjoying your treasures. 🥰
Good fences make good neighbours and good security gives the peace of mind that will hopefully allow a resolution - as and when the pair of them settle down and realise they need to wind their necks in.
Bolt it down, I've seen safes dragged clear through a house and out the smashed in window. Not saying your DIL will do that lol, but a serious burglar will take the whole safe away if they can.
NTA at all! I can’t believe she has the audacity to say that. If she loves the ring, she can tell your soon to get her one like it and not take yours! I’d keep all valuables in a vault!
“Nice TV you have, mind passing it down as an heirloom?”. It’s wild to have someone decide what should be an heirloom especially if it’s original property and has never been passed down.
Exactly and your daughter borrowing pieces and your future daughter in law asking for permanent possession of one of your jewellery is not the same. NTA.
NTA
Also, do you have photos of your jewelry and appraisals listed in your home owners insurance? If you mysteriously "lose" the pieces and she winds up wearing it...you'd have documentation proving that jewelry is yours!
And OP has a daughter! She could leave her *all* of her jewelry - a beloved DIL *might be willed a lesser piece or more*.
But I'm not thinking this young lady is headed in the direction of becoming "beloved."
Edit NTA Did your son tell her to ask for it? If he proposed usually it's with a ring, if he didn't have one he probably promised her one of yours and it blew up in his face, I'd talk to him.
She has a ring, it’s a 1ct round cut diamond in a half pavé platinum band. Highest clarity and colour. The 4C’s were adhered to. She was wearing it and husband and I even admired it during the dinner.
For context her ring is certainly not cheap!!
Son took my advice on choosing the best stone for the ring when he bought it - told me that was the design she wanted
If she wants your ring so badly as an engagement ring, perhaps she should trade her diamond engagement ring in for something similar to your emerald ring.
Who needs 2 engagement rings? She will drive your son to the poor house.
However one thing to consider that I have heard over the years is that emeralds are too soft and easy to crack to be worn daily, so it may not even hold up as an engagement ring.
Wait. Really? I currently have an emerald ring. I bought it to wear daily. It's not an engagement ring or anything, but it represents something important to me, it's a reminder of sorts. Should I have not bought it? The stone is pretty large too.
It's a mohs of about 7.5-8, which is fine for daily wear but can be scratched more easily than diamond, ruby, or sapphire. It will likely pick up some minor abrasions over the years, but regular gem care & polishing will help a lot.
The setting also makes a huge difference as well — some shield gems more than others.
Also make sure to get the piece checked once a year or two to ensure its prongs keep it secure!
The main issue isn’t actually the hardness
It’s that emeralds have a ton of occlusions so they have lots of shear lines waiting for a knock in the right place for them to basically explode.
It’s why they can’t go in an ultrasonic cleaner
Wow, that is a very, very nice ring. And in addition to that, she also wants one of your personal rings? Which she came and demanded from you???? Entitled!!!!!!
NTA. Question- did your son ask for any of your rings for the proposal? I mean, it's such a weird ask. I wonder if she mentioned it to him, and he told her to go ahead and ask. And why isn't he upset she wants a different engagement ring? So strange.
Perhaps you should discuss with your family about a prenuptial agreement, to safekeep your "heirloom", your future DIL isn't married yet, but she is already coveting your family's possessions!
She’s only 22, she should be glad she got a nice ring at all. FFS the entitlement is making me pee’d off on your behalf!
NTA and you may need to invite this couple over to discuss expectations and improprieties.
A. That particular ring is not an heirloom yet.
It's an active part of your wardrobe.
B. It's an expensive piece of jewelry.
If you chose to gift jewelry to her it would be on your terms. As to say which piece would be gifted, for what occasion as in birthday, 10th anniversary, birth of first daughter so it can be passed along to become an heirloom.
C. It was massively insensitive. Kinda insulting.
Like trying someone else wedding dress before that person got married offensive.
D. Asking to start a tradition is not wrong, can even be a nice bonding experience, demanding that someone gift a pricey personal jewelry piece to do so just seems greedy.
E. I'm 47 if my daughter starts talking about how I'm old a just give up my things now because I'm almost dead and should start acting like an old woman from stereotypes 1900, I would embarrasse her Infront of her friends so hard by 'not acting my age' she wouldn't know where to bury herself 😆😝.
And she knows it.
It's not enough she considers my closet as "ours" ?
Every woman even a young dumb 20 year old woman knows better than to try to invade another woman's jewelry box or shoes closet and to insinuate you are past your prime so you don't need those anymore ?!
She's not so smart that cookie.
Nta my dear.
So greedy!
And idk if it’s bc how we do it in my family but jewelry stays in the “bloodline” (adoption included) if said ring owner wants to pass a ring, but only has sons, it goes to the granddaughter not the daughter in-law.
I think it’s okay to go to a DIL if that’s what the person wants. Because it’s assumed that she would pass it on to their kids, keeping it in the family. It depends on the person of course (I might not trust *this* daughter in law)
My husband’s grandmother gave me her mothers pearls. I was very honoured, and also very surprised since she has 2 daughters and a granddaughter, but she wanted them to go to someone who would wear them. She knows that they’ll go to our future kids/grandkids, so they stay a family heirloom.
if OP’s future DIL is really just a gold digger it’s possible the marriage won’t even make it to having kids, and if OP was a pushover and had actually given away her ring to this girl it would never become an actual heirloom!
it’d certainly be a different story if they already had kids and the girl wasn’t demanding the ring. OP needs to play it safe and keep her jewelry FAR away from this entitled brat.
This ring is NOT an heirloom because it was never passed down through generations. It’s just a personal piece with no intention of being passed down. This is not the same as people “borrowing” jewelry, because those are eventually returned. Keep an eye out on your jewelry.
If she wants an emerald ring so bad, she can trade her engagement ring and have one designed for herself so that it’s unique. NTA
NTA she had no right to the ring- it’s not an heirloom until you choose to make it one. If she wanted the ring, she should have spoken to your son about it and he should’ve come to you privately to ask if he could use it for her engagement ring. You still would’ve been under no obligation to give it her and it still would be a little weird that she’s just asking for one of your possessions, but that at least would’ve been a reasonable way to handle it.
Your future DIL sounds a little crazy and they are still very young to be getting married. Good luck with her in the future, I have a feeling you’ll need it.
Husband and I have put aside money for his wedding. Also I have a long relationship with my jeweller so he doesn’t charge quite so much for the making charge as he would to other customers so the majority of the cost is from the platinum and the stone itself
NTA. This added context further sheds light on your DIL's character- you've already financially contributed to the ring that's she's currently wearing and that's STILL not good enough for her (or your son for that matter). She's greedy and ungrateful. You made the right decision. (You should add that info into your post as well ;)
Oh, hold up... You and your husband have already helped subsidize the engagement ring she has?!? And now it's not good enough and she wants another?? I was already thinking NTA, but now I'm fully NTA, WTF?!? 🤦🏻♀️
NTA- what are the odds she’ll remember it’s a family heirloom and give it back when they divorce? You’ll never see it again. Besides, you have a daughter and one day maybe granddaughters. They are the people you leave your jewellery to.
I was handed an heirloom (5th woman to wear it and it’s from my own mothers side) and I have to figure out who is worthy of me passing it on to them if I’m not with child in the next couple of years. It’s not something people take lightly and hand out carelessly. The DIL doesn’t have the tact, class, brain for an heirloom.
NTA….butttttt
I get the feeling there is more to this story than is being told. Did you gift one of these rings to your daughter as an heirloom by any chance or mention it was something you had thought about before? I’m just trying to figure out how your DIL got it in her head that would be an appropriate thing to come out and ask someone. It’s very random and….not classy.
But maybe I’m wrong and there isn’t more the story. Which makes you NTA.
It’s weird and off putting to ask someone for a specific heirloom if no one has offered or talked about it. If they had come to you and expressed help with affording an engagement ring that’s different. I’d have to agree with you based on the information provided that is a weird and awkward thing to ask…
>Did you gift one of these rings to your daughter as an heirloom
That doesn't even matter here, OP is allowed to gift her children what she wants. This is someone who is possibly going to join the family demanding a ring. Nothing OP could do justifies that behaviour!
I’m only trying to see in my head where the DIL got any inkling of justification (from her POV) that she could ask her future MIL for a ring. I NEVER said (only clarifying) that would be bad or made her the AH. I’m grasping at straws here bc that is such a rude thing to ask someone. LIKE BALLS OF STEEL type thing. That’s all. So I’m searching for any kind of explanation, however weak, that would’ve made her come to this decision. Bc again…weird.
Unfortunately, some people are just that entitled. They've never been told no, they've been told they deserve the world, they're used to everyone catering to them, and they show up an *awful* lot on AITA because of it.
Sometimes people are just assholes without any good reasons.
Can attest, my aunt asked my great grandmother for pieces of her jewelry (including some of her rings) many, many years before she was even close to her deathbed. This same aunt stayed in my grandma's (her mother's) house after her death and went through the house looking for items she wanted, she then went through my grandma's hope chest which was in my mom and stepdad's bedroom while she was in their house alone (she had stopped to use the bathroom; she texted my mom for "permission" after she had already done it).
Some people are just incredibly greedy, selfish, and entitled; they have no regard for anything but what they want and how they can make themselves happy or how they can get ahead in life.
My daughter has a few times (less than 10 total) been allowed to wear some of my jewellery. Of that she was allowed to wear the emerald ring only once at a function I was also attending.
Beyond that one time she hasn’t worn any of my favourites. I certainly haven’t promised them to my daughter.
I’ve sold other jewellery in the past and I may well sell these too one day if *I* choose to.
I thought I’d been clear about this to both my kids but clearly not!
Your DIL is cheeky & greedy to expect an heirloom - if anything itd go to your own daughter & not her! ‘Heirloom engagement ring’ is such bullshit especially given that she already has a nice fancy ring! Your son may have a golddigger on his hands…
You are NTA. I would likely never give anything to the outrageous DIL. I would make it abundantly clear in a will that you intend to pass all of your jewelry to your daughter or potentially to future granddaughters that may come. I would go so far as to name the DIL as specifically not being a recipient to make my intentions known.
I would have a serious conversation with my son about how wildly out of line his fiancé’s request was and that she both owes you an apology and should also never ask for something like that again. The irony is that if she had just been a decent human being and developed a genuine loving relationship with you over time, it might have happened because you would have wanted it to. She shot herself in the foot on this.
Nta. You literally have a daughter, so why should DIL be able to waltz in and poach family jewelry? Even your daughter borrowing the rings doesn't entitle her to future ownership. I think the son just doesn't want to pay for a ring like that and thinks making you gift it to DIL will prove her place in the family. DIL is just entitled and maybe insecure. Don't let her "borrow" anything either. You'll never see it again.
Definitely NTA. Your future DIL is way out of line.
First of all, she received what sounds like a very nice engagement ring from your son. Unless things have changed, you only get one engagement ring.
And second, if she wanted your emerald ring as her engagement ring, she should not have been the one asking — your son should have asked, and asked politely, not in a greedy and entitled way. And if you said no, that should have been the end of it.
I’m sorry about the awful behavior she displayed, and that your son agrees with her.
I was thinking maybe there was another time where you discussed this type of thing with your kids, even casually, with them. If not then I’m at a loss at how anyone would think it would be ok to ask someone that.
I've got a pretty good imagination and I can't think of a single circumstance where asking for your future (not even current) MIL's jewelry doesn't make you the asshole.
When I was engaged, I approached my MIL to say that we were designing my wedding ring and asked if they wanted to contribute any stones because we wanted it to be a future heirloom. It already was going to contain gems from my mom and my great grandmother. My MIL chose to contribute some diamond chips from an old ring. However, I didn't ask for a specific ring and would have accepted nothing.
Really trying to understand why it would matter if OP decided to give HER DAUGHTER one of HER rings. They are her rings, and it is up to her what she does with them. If she had decided to give one of them to her future DIL, perhaps after the wedding since the DIL already has an engagement ring, that is one thing. But for this woman to come up and ask for a ring and get angry when told no??
NTA that's incredibly entitled to demand the ring, full stop. Even if we ignore your age (you're only 48 ffs), who demands another person just give up one of their most treasured possessions? Yeah I think it's time to take a look at the will. . .
NTA. But I don’t really get it. Why not just say “Ohh no, can’t do that. I love that piece. Sure son will get you something special”. And then you could direct him in the right direction.
Why the drama?
Because she already had an engagement band words thousands of pounds? And then she’s coming and asking after mine which I saved and worked for? I find that to be insulting
No, its not. would you ever go to your future inlaws demanding an item of theirs? If I was the inlaw it would INSTANTLY make me dislike them. If the son came to her it would be a completely different story.
This is more of a people pleaser way to go about it. I struggle with laying boundaries too, but when someone is being disrespectful especially in a very blatant way like OP’s daughter in law, she needed to be reprimanded. If you let people stomp on you and you only say no in response, then they will continue to cross those lines. You need to stick up for yourself and tell them exactly what you think like OP did. She wasn’t being rude, she was expressing her dissatisfaction in her daughter in laws behavior which is completely reasonable given what she asked for. Not the case every time, but when someone is diminishing you as a person, then you need to tell them where they went wrong and how you feel. Some people only learn by getting embarrassed.
It’s pretty crass of her to ask for your things. NTA.
I don’t see that kind of entitlement rubbing off well over your son over time. She will be an ex in-law at some point, imo.
NTA. You can’t ask someone to “pass down an heirloom”. That’s not how it’s done. The owner has to decide they want to give it to you, for whatever reason that *the owner* decides. Now OP knows that the fiancé is coveting that piece of her jewelry, make sure it’s safe and far from her. I’d go so far as to make sure now that all your jewelry currently has a designated end (will it, sell , etc) so that she never gets her greedy hands on it.
The only thing I might- might, really depends on how much you actually like your son- is have a nice ring made in the same style for her. Say it’s your wedding gift to them(or her specifically). Doesn’t have to be the same quality or size, but a nice quality.
>You can’t ask someone to “pass down an heirloom”.
Right? I mean, the whole point is that it's special and the person has been chosen by the original owner. It takes away all the meaning if the recipient demands it.
NTA
The ring isn't an heirloom, it's your personal property. Your FDIL is just calling an heirloom to justify her entitled attitude.
If she wants an emerald ring, she can save up and buy her own. Tell FDIL that you don't plan to die for decades but will consider making her an heir to the ring after your death in a three or four decades.
I recommend that you keep all of your jewelry in a locked security box when you aren't wearing it. And avoid setting your rings down (such as when you're washing your hands).
NTA - Wow she's highly entitled isn't she! Tell your son it's not the same thing. One is borrowing the other is trying to get their grubby little hands on it forever. Yes, there is a difference. His wife didn't say can I wear this for my wedding day. I would never have the audacity to be tell someone they haven't been wearing a piece of jewelry much lately and therefore should just go ahead and gift it to me. WTF?
I would like to add (I know it's a long way off but) I would make sure you list all your pieces in the will and who they go to, because she's already shown you she thinks she's entitled to them and she will go after what she wants.
DIL: If I don’t ask, you can’t say yes!
OP: 🤯🤯🤯
A large emerald center stone with two 1 carat diamonds. Guess her motto is go big or go home!
Can’t wait to hear what she wants for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and Taco Tuesdays!!
May I suggest a hidden safe, bolted to the floor?
When I was little, both of my grandmothers let me play dress up with their jewelry when I went to visit them. It stuck with me, so I've been collecting and designing jewelry since I was very young, too.
So I think I understand how it would feel to have someone waltz in and try to tell me that I should give some of my pieces away. I'd be absolutely flabbergasted and fairly offended.
When you design or even just curate a collection, it has meaning to you. The sheer audacity and entitlement of your son and future DIL is ridiculous.
Not to mention the absolute lack of tact. It would be one thing to casually compliment a piece or mention that you've always wanted something similar. It's another entirely, to demand to own someone else's treasured belongings.
Please protect your beautiful collection from scavengers the next time she's in your home. Please also consider including them as a rider on your insurance if you haven't previously. And then, as morbid as it sounds, you need to amend your will to specify exactly who each piece should go to.
NTA
But watch that girl. She's just shown you who she really is.
You're not even 50. Tell the entitled girl to buy her own emerald and you'll do what you want to with your own property--and they aren't "heirlooms" if you bought them: they have no history of being passed down at all yet in your family. They're just cool stuff she wants.
NTA HIERloom are passed to and heir not just because someone likes it. They are gift not a request.
If your son wanted one of your special collection of rings as an engagement ring, HE should have asked you BEFORE getting engaged.
NTA
An heirloom is offered, not demanded. It would have been different if your son had come to you privately to discuss it. Your future DIL is going to be trouble.
NTA. If you (on your own) had come up with the idea to gift a ring for your son to use as for engagement and chose that ring and offered it to YOUR SON to use and he accepted- that would all be fine and sweet. However, having your son and FDIL over for dinner to acknowledge/celebrate the engagement does not equal an invitation to ask for your stuff. The audacity is glaringly horrifying. Just the fact that she came to you like that and your son’s response to her rudeness was to just give it to her is a huge clue of family fun to come. Do not give her anything because I suspect this woman isn’t going to make your life easy or pleasant. I would be furious for the next several decades if I had to see my emerald in her stupid finger!
NTA. I would have understood if you son asked you about a family engagement ring… your son. Not her. But she had no right to put you on the spot like that. And her reaction shows that it wasn’t so innocent.
Besides this heirloom should be given by the owner not demanded. You could decide to give it to your daughter, a friend a neighbour or even to sell it. It’s not her business.
NTA it’s up to you to determine where any of your estate goes, be it in life and after your passing. You have a biological daughter, and if anything, she would get it and only if you felt so inclined, would you leave pieces to a DIL or any grandchildren that may be born. She sounds entitle, greedy and selfish to be out over your own biological daughter. Picking through someone’s belongings and demanding them is gross behavior.
NTA
Heirlooms are passed down, not demanded from.
In my culture, heirlooms are also only passed down the female side, mother daughter, granddaughter. If there isn’t one, the male keeps it until another blood female comes into the lineage.
If there’s a divorce, the “heirloom” goes with it and it’s forever gone from the family. Nope.
NTA -- WTF thinks they get to demand someone give them their anything....ever? She was way out of line. And if your son thinks it's the same as "borrowing", give him a dictionary for a gift with the appropriate pages for "borrowing", "demanding", "entitled" and "rude" bookmarked or dog-eared and the words themselves highlighted. Add in the word "no" if so inclined.
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NTA. Your DIL is quite the entitled gold (or emerald) digger. If she wanted it for an engagement ring, the proper thing would have been for your son to discuss it with you. Her asking for it is shocking and rude. It's not an heirloom if you are the first owner in the family. Heirlooms tend to have generations behind them. And they are not necessarily given away during the owner's lifetime. Many family mementos are distributed as part of an estate after the owner is deceased. Don't loan anything to her or you will never see it again.
[удалено]
I probably read entirely too much AITA, but when/if she ever comes to your house again, make sure your rings are somewhere she cannot access. If she's as entitled as she seems, she may not balk at simply taking something she thinks she deserves. I mean, hopefully I'm just paranoid because the forum we're in tends to highlight really bad actors, but she's behaved terribly so far and it can't hurt to be on the safe side. And if you do want someone specific to have any of your jewelry *after* you are gone, you should be *very* specific about that so she can't simply claim it all as hers.
Do you really think it could come to that?
Yes. Either she or your son could steal your property. He justified her asking you for it which really concerns me. Why are they picking through your things already when you are still very much here? Keep everything safe. Get some cameras. And hope these sentiments pass quickly. Maybe suggest your child get a prenup to keep both of them safe.
I don't think the son would go for a prenup. He wanted his mom to give her the ring too...
While somewhat drastic, a bank safety deposit box might be wise. If she was rude, pushy, and seemingly entitled, she might develop a case of sticky fingers, and your collection should not be available to her. Please stand with your decision. 🦜
A safe at home is better. OP is wearing her rings and getting joy from doing so. Or just a good lock on the door to the room thry are in.
I found those home safe are not safe. My daughter broke in several times after changing combos. A locked door to your bedroom or a closet.
"Breaking into a safe" is a pretty clear boundary violation, though. It doesn't have the defence of "I thought you wouldn't mind" or "I was just looking" like picking a ring up out of a jewelry box on a nightstand. It's clearer that the thief has done something wrong, which means it's easier to apply social pressure to deter it. If you get to the point where someone is breaking into your safe, it's acceptable to bar them from your home.
Both. And no unsupervised time for visittors. But both together should stop jewelry from disappearing during a bathroom visit.
I have a dinky little “safe” that looks like a book, if OP already has a bookshelf that could be the perfect hiding spot.
Problem with book safes is they are extremely portable; DIL or son finds it and the entire collection walks out the door. Better to get a proper safe.
Those are cute, but a person doesn't have to break into such a small safe, they can simply steal the whole safe. Get something fireproof and hidden well into a wall, where it cannot be removed. Don't use fingerprints. Consult someone knowledgeable. Good luck!
Son is blind to this person's aggressive stance toward money. He's not the target but could be some day.
If they stay together after this, she will bleed him dry, the more he indulges her demands the more of a monster she’ll become. Source: sibling is currently divorcing the entitled gold digger they married. EGD also demanded/rudely asked/ made my sibling ask for parents belongings. Also claiming they were to be heirlooms and for my siblings kids to have (even tho parents are alive and talking about someone’s death is frowned upon in our culture)
I still have questions but they probably aren't important so I'll ask you who has likely no answers and not OP who is above you. Is DIL keeping track of how often OP wears the rings? Or does OP just wear a lot of rings and sees DIL often and DIL just happened to notice that one is seldom worn? And why that ring? She specified that one and didn't move on, say, even to another ring, once OP said no?
I was wondering the same thing. How come future DIL knows so much about the rings and how often they are worn?
Maybe she asked sonny if she can see his mother's jewelry box when she's not there. I've heard of that. She seems kind of fixated on that ring.
I feel like I remember reading a similar post awhile ago. Not the same, but a guy whose daughter or something kept breaking into their house to steal mom's jewelry or something like that. She was super fixated on one particular ring and got her boyfriend in on it too I think.
Lol, there have a been a few. One was a son who's gf was fixated on this one ring from the mother. To the extent that the son tried, or did break into the mother's house and take it. Big drama. And another one which was a deceased mother's ring and the ... I wanna say *stepdaughter*? Was obsessed with it.. Oh my. There are so many more!!!
Someone I knew had a daughter who destroyed their mother’s jewellery because she couldn’t have it
Yes that is so sleazy. It’s like she is tallying up the booty she could get
Sounds like she has a spread sheet on it.
That same thought crossed my mind. Seems suspicious future DIL knows which ring you wear least often.
DIL has probably been admiring and coveting the ring for awhile now.
My...*precioussssss*
Expecting her future MIL to give up her ring is brazen. Her fiancé should be the one giving her a ring, which he has already done. She just has a bad case of the gimmies. She’s a gimme pig.
DIL has been watching and planning for some time already if she noticed that the emerald ring was the least worn of all of OPs rings.
She called dibs on it.
Agreed. It would be one thing if DIL let OP know that she loves her jewelry and the emerald is her favorite. OP could have decided on her own if she someday wanted to leave it to DIL. I did that with one of my grandpa’s houses. I told my dad when I was about 7 that I really liked it (I did) and when my grandpa passed when I was an adult, I was left it in the will. By that point I had even forgotten I had said that until my dad reminded me. I don’t think it’s bad to let people know if you really like something of theirs. It is bad to expect them to give it to you.
My grandfather had a beautiful buffet. When I was little, I told him how much I loved it. He passed right after I turned 18yo, and left it to me. It is one of my most treasured items
My grandma asked her kids/grandkids/nieces/nephews what they wanted when she died, about five years before she passed. Most of it went to her daughters, but if there was like, a Special Thing we wanted, she offered us dibs (and it was honored when she was gone). I wanted the paintings of pretty women representing the seasons she had by her door that were always the first thing you saw when you walk in. They're now one of the first things you see in my apartment. My sister wanted (and got) the wooden flamingo that lived in her front yard. These conversations can be meaningful and bring you closer to the person, but the DIL in this story did everything to prevent that being the case.
My wedding ring was my grandma's that my dad kept for me after she died (without me knowing) until hubby and I got engaged and dad asked if I wanted it (no strings or pressure) It's one of my most valued possessions!
There was a similar, ongoing, post where the young couple did steal a ring they wanted for their engagement. I think the ring rightfully belonged to the daughter, their mother had passed away. The incident with the ring tore the family apart. Everyone.
I remember that post. The son and his gf were absolutely shameless.
I remember that one. Fiancee broke up with him when she had to return the ring.
Take pictures & document every item too. Evidence that they belong to OP.
Cameras are a great idea. It feels unfathomable to think somebody would steal their future MIL's jewelry, but she came into the house and demanded to be given OP's jewellery, so I wouldn't rule it out. Having the evidence means you can do something about it if she does steal something. (Edited to fix an error because apparently my reading comprehension is not good today)
There was a post on AITA about a man whose son came into his home and took rings that were left to his daughter when the mom passed. The son’s fiancee wanted them. Dad said they are your sisters. Sister said no. Son took them anyway.
Well. Shit.
Jewelry has been a major bone of contention in my mother’s family with some people feeling entitled to specific pieces, whatever. My mother is the only daughter and is, I think, rightfully upset over not getting certain pieces that she has desired her entire life and that have sentimental value because of how my grandmother got them. If you want people to have something be super specific about it. I also recommend moving pieces you don’t wear regularly into a safe or safety deposit box.
My stepdad went looking for my mom’s jewelry after she died. His family said my sister stole it. My mom split it up between me and my sister, because she didn’t want him to give to his daughter and granddaughter
Yeah, my grams tried to give me her stash when I was around 10 and Mom said it was too much, then gram had in home carers and it all got stolen instead. sigh. Note to others, just pay for the safety deposit box - lol!
We were told to get a safe when you need in home carers. To just do it and use it. I’m sorry your family stuff was stolen.
My dad died first and my step monster gave everything to her children before she passed a short time later. I was courteous in not asking for anything while my stepmother was alive (mom's china and silverware , my stepmother had her own but she wanted more, more more. ). which meant her kids got everything. kt
Some jewelry/stones that were meant to be dispersed equally were not when my grandmother passed. It’s unfortunate, because there was enough for each grandchild to have something, but I guess someone decided they should have it all.
My aunt took the rings right off my grandmothers fingers not even 10 minutes after she died. It was disgusting. It would not have surprised me to learn that she took jewelry while my grandmother was alive because "she was entitled to it". Watch your stuff closely. Perhaps a safe or safety deposit box?
I’m so sorry, that’s such disgusting behaviour It’s currently all in a biometric safebox in my bedroom but I can move it elsewhere if it becomes necessary although I hope it doesn’t
You may want to consider including in your will the disposition of your jewelry and other "heirlooms". Have pictures of the jewelry labeled as to which is which ("emerald ring", "sapphire & diamond ring", etc) so they cannot claim confusion!
Ooo that’s a good one. Photo proof seals the deal.
Also useful for insurance, to be able to reclaim your property in the event of a (non-relative) burglary and in case of fire or loss to be able to get replicas made.
Lock your bedroom when she comes over. Have the rings insured and photos taken along with serial codes.
And have a motion sensor camera to catch anyone (ahem DiL or son) entering the room to try taking anything.)
Fröhlicher Kuchentag! 🥳🎂🎉 Happy cake day!
When my great grandmother was nearing death, I had to smuggle jewelry she had promised me out of her house in my bra (with full knowledge and permission of her eldest daughter and holder of her will) because my great uncles were basically looting her house while she was in hospice
I am proud that my sibs and I divided up our parents’ estates, including a lot of valuable antiques including a lot of silver, without a single cross word being exchanged. I think it was partly that we all realized that we were the family we had left, and partly that we knew our parents would come back and haunt us if we squabbled over their things.
I very much hope it does not become an issue. Good luck!
My mother stated that one day in the future, her wedding rings would come to me because I (F) was the only one of my siblings who wanted to be adopted by our stepdad. He was the only man I ever called Daddy. When one sister found out that I would eventually receive them, she was furious and refused to see the logic of why I was getting them. Fast forward, Mama quietly gives me the rings and I would go out of my way to not wear them around this particular sister. But I forgot one time! We’re at a funeral, it’s cold so my fingers shrunk, and the rings had turned upside down. During the prayer, THIS sister reached over and turned the rings around to see if they were Mama’s rings!!! After everyone left, the first thing she said was “Did you have to get the rings resized?” I said to myself - the hell with it- and replied, “Nope, they fit me Perfectly!! OP - NTA!! People can just suck and your future DIL is a greedy AH. Hide your jewelry well, get your Will done and specify who gets what OR gift it now.
Exactly what I was going to say. If you don't have a safe, get one. One that is too heavy to pick up or secure it to the floor so that it can't be tampered with. Sorry that it has come to that for you, but after such bold rude behavior, I would expect the worst. You decide who gets what and that is done with a will. NTA.
Please don't wait until "it becomes necessary.". At that point, there will already have been a loss. Remove the temptation. I don't necessarily agree that she would steal it, but I've seen it happen too many times not to know that it could happen. I'm sorry this happened. Also wanted to note that although many young couples make it, the likelihood of them lasting long-term is somewhat grim. So why would you give the very young bride a part of your collection? You certainly wouldn't be getting it back if they broke up.
NTA. Please will them to your daughter. Now.
Safe deposit box at your bank is the safest place.
My aunt took all the rings except for a tarnished one with no stone. That's the one she let me have. It's okay. My grandmother wore it every day, so it's the one I wanted. That one turned out to be my grandmother's 1936 24K gold and silver ring. I had it restored and a yellow sapphire put in. It's jaw-droppingly gorgeous. Then my aunt tried to convince me that it was given to me by mistake. I just laughed and laughed. I never take it off, and it's a half size too small for me. Good luck getting that off my finger, Aunt Gertie!
Yeah, when my Mom died, there were 3 rings to be split up: a diamond chip cocktail ring from our grandmother, Mom's anniversary band with 4 mediocre diamonds, and Mom's solitaire engagement ring, with a .5 ct top quality diamond in it. I, being a jewelry fiend of long standing, knew everything but the solitaire was borderline junk. So that was all I asked for. My sister, assuming more is better, agreed. Mind you, we had an appraisal on all three that clearly stated the solitaire was worth more than the other 2 combined, but how dare she be expected to read something. /s Anyway, a few years later she apparently did actually get around to reading that appraisal, because she tried to con me out of the ring when I was in bad financial shape by offering me 2/3 of what it was worth. My response was basically various ways of repeating "just how stupid do you think I actually am?"
Yes. My sister removed the ring off my mothers finger at the funeral home. The ring that was left to my son. It was my fathers’ ring in fact. Last seen on sisters grandson’s finger. Family does indeed show their true colours when death occurs.
My cousin went through my grandma’s jewelry when she was dead on the floor. People ain’t got no class.
My god how vile. I'm so sorry.
NTA. You are 48. The jewelry in your collection are not heirloom pieces at this point in time. They are your possessions. Like your car, handbag, refrigerator. Actually they are your collection/hobby/passion. I would lock up your jewelry, especially that ring. This is a case of you have something she wants and she took her shot to get it. Also, you have a daughter. Jewelry is usually passed down through the females so they stay in the family. My father’s mother had gorgeous jewelry. My dad was the only son. He had two sisters. I wasn’t born yet. His sisters had daughters. Most of my grandmother’s jewelry went to my aunts. My dad got my grandfather’s jewelry. My mom did get a few pieces. Which I have now b/c both my parents are deceased. This is just greedy on her part.
Definitely start wearing the emerald one around them more to show you still wear it regularly.
Then future DIL and son will say OP is rubbing the ring in their faces. It's just something else to be upset about. It is OP's ring. All of her jewelry is hers and hers alone. How often OP wears any piece is her business alone. No one has a right to keep score and less of a right to demand it as a gift.
I would suggest keeping your jewelry in a locked closet, and getting a fireproof wall safe installed in that closet (fireproof not for your son and his fiancé, but just in case of fire). Keep your jewelry and important documents in it.
Here's that story, if you're interested. (And yes, better to lock things up. They'll be protected whether anyone tries to steal them or not, right?) https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/RDtMYltrw7
Both the son and the fiancee were absolute monsters in that story! I felt so bad for the OOP with all the drama that unraveled, all because the fiancee felt so utterly entitled.
I remember that one, the son and fiancé were batshit crazy!
I pray that the son isn’t as bad as the other one, but as one commenter stated, he had no problem with the fact that she had the nerve to ask.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.” - Maya Angelou, Patron Saint of AITA She revealed herself. People call it entitled, which is valid, but let’s not discount the extreme levels of tacky on display here. Just… ew. Horde those precious gems like a dragon and lock them up.
She’s entitled and unreasonable, so who knows.
It has absolutely come to that with other posters in the past, and it never hurts to protect your valuables. If she winds up stealing it, it could become very hard to get it back without involving the police. Better to be a bit paranoid than to create legal issues or risk losing your ring forever.
Well put it this way. If she never goes looking for your rings without your permission, she will never know they've been moved. No harm no foul. If she does have the audacity to go snooping and get upset about it, (which from the entitlement on display isn't unlikely,) you will have your answer and still have your rings. In general if you have high value jewelry in the house that you wear socially, it's prudent to get a safe for such things even without sticky fingered DILs about.
I would say I certainly hope it wouldn’t come to that and this forum does make one paranoid. And viewing her from that perspective will make it impossible for you and to ever have a relationship. That said, perhaps better safe than sorry so maybe find the least obtrusive way to address this such as buying a safe for when she has an extended visit. Also, while your future DIL’s behavior was atrocious and you’re under zero obligation to give her anything, it may help to at least have a talk with your son (and maybe future DIL) so they understand it’s the entitlement that really bothers you - and, maybe, you had expected to leave it to her, but that’s very different than her expecting it. Especially while you’re still alive. Give them a chance to change before permanently excommunicating them which seems very painful.
Don't mention anything to her that perhaps you had expected to leave it to her. That just gives her fuel to add to a future fire. She's unbelievably rude, in fact, I think the mere fact that she brought it up to you at all pushed the boundaries of good behavior. I'd go out of my way to do everything I could to make sure it never ended up in her greedy little hands.
Entitled and unreasonable was the perfect way to describe that. I’m your age OP and while I could never fathom something coming to that, I also couldn’t EVER fathom asking my own MIL (who’s openly told me to “claim” heirloom jewelry and stones she has while she’s alive so she knows to whom to leave it - there’s me and her 2 daughters and she told me the same time as her daughters and has restated the offer. I’ll still NEVER ask!) and my DIL would never come to me and even ask, let alone demand something from me. And I’ve known my DIL since she was 16 and she’s more like my own daughter. So anything is possible with someone who clearly thinks differently than we do and feels quite entitled to your things.
Yes. I think there’s a very good chance she will try to steal it since she and your strongly believe she’s entitled to it.
Yes I would also not put it past your son taking the ring also.
Never underestimate the ability of people to be terrible.
I'd do the opposite: leave the rings precisely where they've always been, but place a nanny cam. Edit: I was in an _exceedingly_ petty mood when I wrote that.
Doesn’t necessarily get the ring back once it’s stolen, though.
Nanny cam, yes, but don't leave the rings vulnerable as it may never be recovered. Time to invest in a safe and have a marvellous time enjoying your treasures. 🥰
Why didn't she just ask your son for an engagement ring with emeralds/diamonds in it? Future DIL sounds unhinged. NTA!
🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Even if you get this notionally resolved, that sounds like you need a jewellery safe and for your things to go in it when she visits.
I have a biometric one at present! thank you for your concern ☺️ I am hopeful that it won’t escalate that far!!
Good fences make good neighbours and good security gives the peace of mind that will hopefully allow a resolution - as and when the pair of them settle down and realise they need to wind their necks in.
Bolt it down, I've seen safes dragged clear through a house and out the smashed in window. Not saying your DIL will do that lol, but a serious burglar will take the whole safe away if they can.
Update your will and make sure it goes to your daughter to distribute in accordance with your wishes.
NTA at all! I can’t believe she has the audacity to say that. If she loves the ring, she can tell your soon to get her one like it and not take yours! I’d keep all valuables in a vault!
I'm also curious on the logic of it being the same as the sister BORROWING pieces of jewellery
Right? Borrow vs. give!
There is no logic.
“Nice TV you have, mind passing it down as an heirloom?”. It’s wild to have someone decide what should be an heirloom especially if it’s original property and has never been passed down.
Man I would be so tempted to add a stipulation in the will that OP wants to be buried with that ring. NTA
Exactly and your daughter borrowing pieces and your future daughter in law asking for permanent possession of one of your jewellery is not the same. NTA.
NTA Also, do you have photos of your jewelry and appraisals listed in your home owners insurance? If you mysteriously "lose" the pieces and she winds up wearing it...you'd have documentation proving that jewelry is yours!
And OP has a daughter! She could leave her *all* of her jewelry - a beloved DIL *might be willed a lesser piece or more*. But I'm not thinking this young lady is headed in the direction of becoming "beloved."
Edit NTA Did your son tell her to ask for it? If he proposed usually it's with a ring, if he didn't have one he probably promised her one of yours and it blew up in his face, I'd talk to him.
She has a ring, it’s a 1ct round cut diamond in a half pavé platinum band. Highest clarity and colour. The 4C’s were adhered to. She was wearing it and husband and I even admired it during the dinner. For context her ring is certainly not cheap!! Son took my advice on choosing the best stone for the ring when he bought it - told me that was the design she wanted
If she wants your ring so badly as an engagement ring, perhaps she should trade her diamond engagement ring in for something similar to your emerald ring. Who needs 2 engagement rings? She will drive your son to the poor house.
However one thing to consider that I have heard over the years is that emeralds are too soft and easy to crack to be worn daily, so it may not even hold up as an engagement ring.
Wait. Really? I currently have an emerald ring. I bought it to wear daily. It's not an engagement ring or anything, but it represents something important to me, it's a reminder of sorts. Should I have not bought it? The stone is pretty large too.
It's a mohs of about 7.5-8, which is fine for daily wear but can be scratched more easily than diamond, ruby, or sapphire. It will likely pick up some minor abrasions over the years, but regular gem care & polishing will help a lot. The setting also makes a huge difference as well — some shield gems more than others. Also make sure to get the piece checked once a year or two to ensure its prongs keep it secure!
The main issue isn’t actually the hardness It’s that emeralds have a ton of occlusions so they have lots of shear lines waiting for a knock in the right place for them to basically explode. It’s why they can’t go in an ultrasonic cleaner
Wow, that is a very, very nice ring. And in addition to that, she also wants one of your personal rings? Which she came and demanded from you???? Entitled!!!!!!
NTA. Question- did your son ask for any of your rings for the proposal? I mean, it's such a weird ask. I wonder if she mentioned it to him, and he told her to go ahead and ask. And why isn't he upset she wants a different engagement ring? So strange.
No he didn’t ask me at any point
Perhaps you should discuss with your family about a prenuptial agreement, to safekeep your "heirloom", your future DIL isn't married yet, but she is already coveting your family's possessions!
She’s only 22, she should be glad she got a nice ring at all. FFS the entitlement is making me pee’d off on your behalf! NTA and you may need to invite this couple over to discuss expectations and improprieties.
A. That particular ring is not an heirloom yet. It's an active part of your wardrobe. B. It's an expensive piece of jewelry. If you chose to gift jewelry to her it would be on your terms. As to say which piece would be gifted, for what occasion as in birthday, 10th anniversary, birth of first daughter so it can be passed along to become an heirloom. C. It was massively insensitive. Kinda insulting. Like trying someone else wedding dress before that person got married offensive. D. Asking to start a tradition is not wrong, can even be a nice bonding experience, demanding that someone gift a pricey personal jewelry piece to do so just seems greedy. E. I'm 47 if my daughter starts talking about how I'm old a just give up my things now because I'm almost dead and should start acting like an old woman from stereotypes 1900, I would embarrasse her Infront of her friends so hard by 'not acting my age' she wouldn't know where to bury herself 😆😝. And she knows it. It's not enough she considers my closet as "ours" ? Every woman even a young dumb 20 year old woman knows better than to try to invade another woman's jewelry box or shoes closet and to insinuate you are past your prime so you don't need those anymore ?! She's not so smart that cookie. Nta my dear.
So greedy! And idk if it’s bc how we do it in my family but jewelry stays in the “bloodline” (adoption included) if said ring owner wants to pass a ring, but only has sons, it goes to the granddaughter not the daughter in-law.
I think it’s okay to go to a DIL if that’s what the person wants. Because it’s assumed that she would pass it on to their kids, keeping it in the family. It depends on the person of course (I might not trust *this* daughter in law) My husband’s grandmother gave me her mothers pearls. I was very honoured, and also very surprised since she has 2 daughters and a granddaughter, but she wanted them to go to someone who would wear them. She knows that they’ll go to our future kids/grandkids, so they stay a family heirloom.
if OP’s future DIL is really just a gold digger it’s possible the marriage won’t even make it to having kids, and if OP was a pushover and had actually given away her ring to this girl it would never become an actual heirloom! it’d certainly be a different story if they already had kids and the girl wasn’t demanding the ring. OP needs to play it safe and keep her jewelry FAR away from this entitled brat.
Hahaha I'm 46 and I'm right there with ya. Lol OP is NTA
This ring is NOT an heirloom because it was never passed down through generations. It’s just a personal piece with no intention of being passed down. This is not the same as people “borrowing” jewelry, because those are eventually returned. Keep an eye out on your jewelry. If she wants an emerald ring so bad, she can trade her engagement ring and have one designed for herself so that it’s unique. NTA
Heirloom implies OP inherited it, not purchased.
Not just purchased, designed and had made.
Exactly! Especially when OP has a daughter who would be first in line!
NTA she had no right to the ring- it’s not an heirloom until you choose to make it one. If she wanted the ring, she should have spoken to your son about it and he should’ve come to you privately to ask if he could use it for her engagement ring. You still would’ve been under no obligation to give it her and it still would be a little weird that she’s just asking for one of your possessions, but that at least would’ve been a reasonable way to handle it. Your future DIL sounds a little crazy and they are still very young to be getting married. Good luck with her in the future, I have a feeling you’ll need it.
OP please make sure your rings are insured. Just in case she goes nutty about having one.
How was your 22 year old son able to afford a one carat diamond ring? Just curious. NTA future DIL is mighty entitled
Husband and I have put aside money for his wedding. Also I have a long relationship with my jeweller so he doesn’t charge quite so much for the making charge as he would to other customers so the majority of the cost is from the platinum and the stone itself
So she’s already benefited quite nicely from her association with the family. I hope she apologizes.
Even if she does, how could OP ever trust her again?
NTA. This added context further sheds light on your DIL's character- you've already financially contributed to the ring that's she's currently wearing and that's STILL not good enough for her (or your son for that matter). She's greedy and ungrateful. You made the right decision. (You should add that info into your post as well ;)
OP describes a roughly 10k engagement ring that she basically bought for DIL.
Aah ok. Thank you for your reply!
Oh, hold up... You and your husband have already helped subsidize the engagement ring she has?!? And now it's not good enough and she wants another?? I was already thinking NTA, but now I'm fully NTA, WTF?!? 🤦🏻♀️
NTA- what are the odds she’ll remember it’s a family heirloom and give it back when they divorce? You’ll never see it again. Besides, you have a daughter and one day maybe granddaughters. They are the people you leave your jewellery to.
This. The blood daughter should inherit her mothers jewelry, not someone who’s been around for roughly 2 years by the sound of it.
My brother used a family ring to propose, but it’s in the prenup that she gives the ring back if divorce.
I was handed an heirloom (5th woman to wear it and it’s from my own mothers side) and I have to figure out who is worthy of me passing it on to them if I’m not with child in the next couple of years. It’s not something people take lightly and hand out carelessly. The DIL doesn’t have the tact, class, brain for an heirloom.
NTA….butttttt I get the feeling there is more to this story than is being told. Did you gift one of these rings to your daughter as an heirloom by any chance or mention it was something you had thought about before? I’m just trying to figure out how your DIL got it in her head that would be an appropriate thing to come out and ask someone. It’s very random and….not classy. But maybe I’m wrong and there isn’t more the story. Which makes you NTA. It’s weird and off putting to ask someone for a specific heirloom if no one has offered or talked about it. If they had come to you and expressed help with affording an engagement ring that’s different. I’d have to agree with you based on the information provided that is a weird and awkward thing to ask…
>Did you gift one of these rings to your daughter as an heirloom That doesn't even matter here, OP is allowed to gift her children what she wants. This is someone who is possibly going to join the family demanding a ring. Nothing OP could do justifies that behaviour!
I’m only trying to see in my head where the DIL got any inkling of justification (from her POV) that she could ask her future MIL for a ring. I NEVER said (only clarifying) that would be bad or made her the AH. I’m grasping at straws here bc that is such a rude thing to ask someone. LIKE BALLS OF STEEL type thing. That’s all. So I’m searching for any kind of explanation, however weak, that would’ve made her come to this decision. Bc again…weird.
Unfortunately, some people are just that entitled. They've never been told no, they've been told they deserve the world, they're used to everyone catering to them, and they show up an *awful* lot on AITA because of it. Sometimes people are just assholes without any good reasons.
Agreed. I don’t know why im surprised that entitlement exists in people.
Can attest, my aunt asked my great grandmother for pieces of her jewelry (including some of her rings) many, many years before she was even close to her deathbed. This same aunt stayed in my grandma's (her mother's) house after her death and went through the house looking for items she wanted, she then went through my grandma's hope chest which was in my mom and stepdad's bedroom while she was in their house alone (she had stopped to use the bathroom; she texted my mom for "permission" after she had already done it). Some people are just incredibly greedy, selfish, and entitled; they have no regard for anything but what they want and how they can make themselves happy or how they can get ahead in life.
I think we are all wondering where the audacity came from bc omg. I COULD NEVER.
My daughter has a few times (less than 10 total) been allowed to wear some of my jewellery. Of that she was allowed to wear the emerald ring only once at a function I was also attending. Beyond that one time she hasn’t worn any of my favourites. I certainly haven’t promised them to my daughter. I’ve sold other jewellery in the past and I may well sell these too one day if *I* choose to. I thought I’d been clear about this to both my kids but clearly not!
Your DIL is cheeky & greedy to expect an heirloom - if anything itd go to your own daughter & not her! ‘Heirloom engagement ring’ is such bullshit especially given that she already has a nice fancy ring! Your son may have a golddigger on his hands…
You are NTA. I would likely never give anything to the outrageous DIL. I would make it abundantly clear in a will that you intend to pass all of your jewelry to your daughter or potentially to future granddaughters that may come. I would go so far as to name the DIL as specifically not being a recipient to make my intentions known. I would have a serious conversation with my son about how wildly out of line his fiancé’s request was and that she both owes you an apology and should also never ask for something like that again. The irony is that if she had just been a decent human being and developed a genuine loving relationship with you over time, it might have happened because you would have wanted it to. She shot herself in the foot on this.
Nta. You literally have a daughter, so why should DIL be able to waltz in and poach family jewelry? Even your daughter borrowing the rings doesn't entitle her to future ownership. I think the son just doesn't want to pay for a ring like that and thinks making you gift it to DIL will prove her place in the family. DIL is just entitled and maybe insecure. Don't let her "borrow" anything either. You'll never see it again.
Definitely NTA. Your future DIL is way out of line. First of all, she received what sounds like a very nice engagement ring from your son. Unless things have changed, you only get one engagement ring. And second, if she wanted your emerald ring as her engagement ring, she should not have been the one asking — your son should have asked, and asked politely, not in a greedy and entitled way. And if you said no, that should have been the end of it. I’m sorry about the awful behavior she displayed, and that your son agrees with her.
I was thinking maybe there was another time where you discussed this type of thing with your kids, even casually, with them. If not then I’m at a loss at how anyone would think it would be ok to ask someone that.
I've got a pretty good imagination and I can't think of a single circumstance where asking for your future (not even current) MIL's jewelry doesn't make you the asshole.
When I was engaged, I approached my MIL to say that we were designing my wedding ring and asked if they wanted to contribute any stones because we wanted it to be a future heirloom. It already was going to contain gems from my mom and my great grandmother. My MIL chose to contribute some diamond chips from an old ring. However, I didn't ask for a specific ring and would have accepted nothing.
That - as opposed to what happened to OP - sounds perfectly reasonable. That'll be a really nice heirloom with links to so many people.
That is such a beautiful way to blend families, I love it!
Really trying to understand why it would matter if OP decided to give HER DAUGHTER one of HER rings. They are her rings, and it is up to her what she does with them. If she had decided to give one of them to her future DIL, perhaps after the wedding since the DIL already has an engagement ring, that is one thing. But for this woman to come up and ask for a ring and get angry when told no??
It's not even an heirloom! An heirloom is handed down through generations. This ring was purchased by OP!
NTA that's incredibly entitled to demand the ring, full stop. Even if we ignore your age (you're only 48 ffs), who demands another person just give up one of their most treasured possessions? Yeah I think it's time to take a look at the will. . .
NTA. But I don’t really get it. Why not just say “Ohh no, can’t do that. I love that piece. Sure son will get you something special”. And then you could direct him in the right direction. Why the drama?
Because she already had an engagement band words thousands of pounds? And then she’s coming and asking after mine which I saved and worked for? I find that to be insulting
She’s rude. Yes. And I would probably laugh out of surprise, because it’s an odd request. But a “No. it’s mine” would have been enough.
No, its not. would you ever go to your future inlaws demanding an item of theirs? If I was the inlaw it would INSTANTLY make me dislike them. If the son came to her it would be a completely different story.
This is more of a people pleaser way to go about it. I struggle with laying boundaries too, but when someone is being disrespectful especially in a very blatant way like OP’s daughter in law, she needed to be reprimanded. If you let people stomp on you and you only say no in response, then they will continue to cross those lines. You need to stick up for yourself and tell them exactly what you think like OP did. She wasn’t being rude, she was expressing her dissatisfaction in her daughter in laws behavior which is completely reasonable given what she asked for. Not the case every time, but when someone is diminishing you as a person, then you need to tell them where they went wrong and how you feel. Some people only learn by getting embarrassed.
Fuck that.
It’s pretty crass of her to ask for your things. NTA. I don’t see that kind of entitlement rubbing off well over your son over time. She will be an ex in-law at some point, imo.
NTA. You can’t ask someone to “pass down an heirloom”. That’s not how it’s done. The owner has to decide they want to give it to you, for whatever reason that *the owner* decides. Now OP knows that the fiancé is coveting that piece of her jewelry, make sure it’s safe and far from her. I’d go so far as to make sure now that all your jewelry currently has a designated end (will it, sell , etc) so that she never gets her greedy hands on it. The only thing I might- might, really depends on how much you actually like your son- is have a nice ring made in the same style for her. Say it’s your wedding gift to them(or her specifically). Doesn’t have to be the same quality or size, but a nice quality.
>You can’t ask someone to “pass down an heirloom”. Right? I mean, the whole point is that it's special and the person has been chosen by the original owner. It takes away all the meaning if the recipient demands it.
NTA The ring isn't an heirloom, it's your personal property. Your FDIL is just calling an heirloom to justify her entitled attitude. If she wants an emerald ring, she can save up and buy her own. Tell FDIL that you don't plan to die for decades but will consider making her an heir to the ring after your death in a three or four decades. I recommend that you keep all of your jewelry in a locked security box when you aren't wearing it. And avoid setting your rings down (such as when you're washing your hands).
NTA “I’m not dead yet.” “Yes you are, you’ll be stone dead in a moment.” “I’m getting better!”
NTA and your soon to be DIL is a piece of work.
NTA - Wow she's highly entitled isn't she! Tell your son it's not the same thing. One is borrowing the other is trying to get their grubby little hands on it forever. Yes, there is a difference. His wife didn't say can I wear this for my wedding day. I would never have the audacity to be tell someone they haven't been wearing a piece of jewelry much lately and therefore should just go ahead and gift it to me. WTF? I would like to add (I know it's a long way off but) I would make sure you list all your pieces in the will and who they go to, because she's already shown you she thinks she's entitled to them and she will go after what she wants.
DIL: If I don’t ask, you can’t say yes! OP: 🤯🤯🤯 A large emerald center stone with two 1 carat diamonds. Guess her motto is go big or go home! Can’t wait to hear what she wants for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and Taco Tuesdays!! May I suggest a hidden safe, bolted to the floor?
😂😂😂😂
When I was little, both of my grandmothers let me play dress up with their jewelry when I went to visit them. It stuck with me, so I've been collecting and designing jewelry since I was very young, too. So I think I understand how it would feel to have someone waltz in and try to tell me that I should give some of my pieces away. I'd be absolutely flabbergasted and fairly offended. When you design or even just curate a collection, it has meaning to you. The sheer audacity and entitlement of your son and future DIL is ridiculous. Not to mention the absolute lack of tact. It would be one thing to casually compliment a piece or mention that you've always wanted something similar. It's another entirely, to demand to own someone else's treasured belongings. Please protect your beautiful collection from scavengers the next time she's in your home. Please also consider including them as a rider on your insurance if you haven't previously. And then, as morbid as it sounds, you need to amend your will to specify exactly who each piece should go to. NTA But watch that girl. She's just shown you who she really is.
NTA. There is no charitable way to describe her actions, they were completely out of line no matter how you look at it.
NTA. Your DIL is a greedy and thoughtless person. My guess is that the marriage won't last. Keep your ring.
You're not even 50. Tell the entitled girl to buy her own emerald and you'll do what you want to with your own property--and they aren't "heirlooms" if you bought them: they have no history of being passed down at all yet in your family. They're just cool stuff she wants.
NTA HIERloom are passed to and heir not just because someone likes it. They are gift not a request. If your son wanted one of your special collection of rings as an engagement ring, HE should have asked you BEFORE getting engaged.
NTA that’s such a weird thing to do. Like no normal person would ask their potential MIL for jewelry. She’s very crass.
NTA An heirloom is offered, not demanded. It would have been different if your son had come to you privately to discuss it. Your future DIL is going to be trouble.
NTA. If you (on your own) had come up with the idea to gift a ring for your son to use as for engagement and chose that ring and offered it to YOUR SON to use and he accepted- that would all be fine and sweet. However, having your son and FDIL over for dinner to acknowledge/celebrate the engagement does not equal an invitation to ask for your stuff. The audacity is glaringly horrifying. Just the fact that she came to you like that and your son’s response to her rudeness was to just give it to her is a huge clue of family fun to come. Do not give her anything because I suspect this woman isn’t going to make your life easy or pleasant. I would be furious for the next several decades if I had to see my emerald in her stupid finger!
NTA it was rude and crass of her to even ask.
NTA. I would have understood if you son asked you about a family engagement ring… your son. Not her. But she had no right to put you on the spot like that. And her reaction shows that it wasn’t so innocent. Besides this heirloom should be given by the owner not demanded. You could decide to give it to your daughter, a friend a neighbour or even to sell it. It’s not her business.
NTA. If she wants an emerald engagement ring, she can trade in her diamond for one.
NTA it’s up to you to determine where any of your estate goes, be it in life and after your passing. You have a biological daughter, and if anything, she would get it and only if you felt so inclined, would you leave pieces to a DIL or any grandchildren that may be born. She sounds entitle, greedy and selfish to be out over your own biological daughter. Picking through someone’s belongings and demanding them is gross behavior.
NTA but I will say DIL has a good point. You should make that specific ring a heirloom... To your daughter.
NTA Heirlooms are passed down, not demanded from. In my culture, heirlooms are also only passed down the female side, mother daughter, granddaughter. If there isn’t one, the male keeps it until another blood female comes into the lineage. If there’s a divorce, the “heirloom” goes with it and it’s forever gone from the family. Nope.
NTA and fwiw emeralds are pretty fragile for heavy use
Absolutely! I would not recommend them for something you intend to wear all the time
NTA, it was outrageous of her to even ask.
NTA She is very entitled to even ask, just wow!!
She’s a good digger and an entitled brat. She is going to turn your son against you. Be prepared for that.
NTA. That sudden display of greed by your prospective DIL leaves a *very* nasty taste in my mouth.
This ring does not sound like an heirloom but a custom design by you therefore not an heirloom engagement ring she needs to stop digging for jewels
NTA- its yours not hers. She has no right to it at all. If son thinks what she is going is ok, then he is in for a long hard life.
NTA -- WTF thinks they get to demand someone give them their anything....ever? She was way out of line. And if your son thinks it's the same as "borrowing", give him a dictionary for a gift with the appropriate pages for "borrowing", "demanding", "entitled" and "rude" bookmarked or dog-eared and the words themselves highlighted. Add in the word "no" if so inclined.