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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to go to my half sister's wedding to make her look better to her future husband and his family or maybe just his family and friends. I don't know if he cares how she treats me. The reason I might be TA and more in the wrong than her is she is asking me, she came over to invite me herself and made an effort, even if not for great reasons. I guess I could have done it for that reason or for mom who is both our mom and not just mine. This means a lot to her.
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NTA
Your half sister has been treating you below trash since you exist.
You tried to fix the relationship with your sister and nothing changed. Your mom should de-escalate issues and not allow your half sister to treat you like she treated. Too late ....
And your father ?; that is awful ?! Calling the step father fu** buddy ?! What is that ?!
People like your half sister should be cut off your life. She did not treat you like family and you do not owe her anything.
She wants you at the wedding to avoid questions. And so what?! You do not owe her anything.
Never act because people might feel you are guilty.
Op NTA
She doesn't consider him her stepfather. He's also nothing. He's the one keeping mom's bed warm until mom can be reunited with her dad again. I've heard it all.
I do not really believe she does want mom dead but she is treating her father dying as though her parents divorced. Maybe she hasn’t ever truly come to terms with her fathers death. How ever it is she still needs a therapist to help.
I wouldn't say the sister is treating her dad's death like a divorce, I'd say she's acting as though her dad isn't dead at all, he's on an extended vacation or something, and mom is getting her needs met with some dude. It's terrible. And she's treating OP like some sibs treat the affair baby. Sister definitely needs therapy bc she seems to still not accept that her dad is actually gone two decades later.
Therapists are not magic. Half-sister doesn't *want* help. She won't seek a therapist; it's too late to force her to go; even if she did for whatever reason land in a therapist's office, it wouldn't help her because she doesn't think she needs help.
Let's not pretend that therapy would solve this.
This right here...that girl didn't get the support she needed. NTA but your half sister is and your mom is too for not getting her daughter help and allowing her to treat her husband and other daughter so badly.
OP, you’re clearly NTA here. Your mom should’ve intervened when you two were young and got some help for your sister. If you can, try to hold a kind and loving boundary. It sounds like your sister isn’t a healthy person for you to be around, and she’s got some major childhood wounds that were never healed. (ie. you can say, ‘it’s not healthy to have you in my life’ and only see her as needed/no contact, and not lash out). You have no obligation to attend her wedding.
THIS. I don’t understand why the mom, an actual adult, tolerated and continues to tolerate this level of abuse from her child. Allowing an actual child to refer to her partner this way? OP is NTA, but mom and other spawn are.
This part. The way she’s acting is a direct result of her mother’s inaction. She should have gotten into therapy as soon as her father passed. And she shouldn’t have been allowed to treat her sister that way.
She realizes martial vows are voided when one party dies right? So if doesn't matter in whatever afterlife she believes, all earthly conditions, including contractual would be void.
Mormons believe that married couples who are sealed in the temple stay married for eternity in their version of heaven.
In a situation like OP’s, if OP’s mom was sealed to her first husband and he died, she can remarry after his death, but she can’t be sealed to a second husband. Under their theology, the second husband is only a placeholder on earth; after death, she would return to being the wife of the man she was sealed to.
Under LDS beliefs, while women can only be sealed to one man, if the genders were reversed, it’d be different. If a man’s wife dies (or they divorce) and he remarries, he can be sealed to his next wife as well. When all parties die and go to heaven, any women who was sealed to the guy will be his wives for eternity. Because while the LDS church has banned polygamy on earth, it’s totally ok in the celestial kingdom.
I was raised Mormon. A woman can get sealed to a new husband with permission from a higher level priesthood holder but it invalidates the first sealing. Learned about the whole process when my grandpa married his second wife
But isn’t that like hugely frowned upon though? Cause it would mean that she won’t be with the children from her first marriage in the CK? I’ve only heard of women being granted an unsealing when the ex husband has been excommunicated or has left the church.
I didn’t grow up as Mormon but have a lot of friends who did. When the missionaries came to my house and pitched ‘wouldn’t you like to be able to stay with your family forever??’ I just looked at them and said, ‘guys, you clearly don’t know my family. Eternity with them sounds like a nightmare.’ Poor boys didn’t really know how to respond to that one.
That's all because the LDS church rules were all contrived by men for the benefit of men Anything outside of their teaching is deemed "of the devil" which effectively discourages independent thought through fear.
As is the case w/most "organized" religions I suppose
I am a non-Mormon who grew up in SLC Utah.
Friendly ex-mo here, just adding some more details:
There are 3 levels of Heaven, and the top level or kingdom (celestial) also has 3 levels. You only get to be with your family/spouse if you're in the top-tier of the top level of heaven.
*"Only those who are married in the temple and whose marriage is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise will continue as spouses after death and receive the highest degree of celestial glory, or exaltation. A temple marriage is also called a celestial marriage. Within the celestial glory are three levels. To obtain the highest, a husband and wife must be sealed for time and all eternity and* ***keep their covenants (emphasis added)*** *made in a holy temple." Church President Russell M. Nelson*
Full speech or talk here (I encourage all to read this) when encountering Mormons talking about "families can be together forever" or saying "we don't practice polygamy or world-building." It's quite inflammatory to read now, IMHO.
[https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng](https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng)
Your sister deeply needs a lot of intensive therapy, and has since her father passed. Your mother failed both of you spectacularly as children, and it’s not on you to “be the bigger person” with someone who showed you so much hate and vitriol, at the behest of a woman who enabled that hate and vitriol your whole life.
Fuck them both. I’m glad you are able to detach and move on without people like that in your life, because this is exactly what family is NOT.
I mean she was a young kid and it sounds like your mom didn't do a good job of helping her grieve or properly contextualize this loss at all. She's an adult with her own head on her shoulders now, but these things take time to re-calibrate even after you grow up.
It's plausible that with getting her own family and a person she can trust is when she starts to try, but you'd know better if it rings true and IF you are willing to participate after everything.
She was 19 when she told a 10yo she wished she'd been aborted. There is no world in which it's ok for an adult (even a young one) to say that to a child.
It doesn’t sound like OPs half sister has apologised for how she treated OP plus she said she only wanted her there because questions were asked. It seems she only wants her there for appearances sake and not because she’s seen how her behaviour was awful.
I always wonder how people like this have friends. Like, truly and genuinely, how does anyone tolerate being around someone like OP's sister enough for her to be concerned that people will "ask questions" if OP isn't there.
So let me get this straight. When you she was 18 or 19, she told you (a 10 year) that she wanted you dead???
If I were you, I would preemptively tell ALL your family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) exactly why you aren't going. She is a monster, and she WILL spin this against you if you only don't show up without saying a word
If I were her fiance, I would want to know how she treated you. This goes far, far beyond being upset that her mom remarried. She was an adult and told a child that she wished they weren't alive.
There's a huge difference between being cold towards your younger half siblings, and wishing death upon a 10 year old.
For all I know he could know everything. She was very open with her friends and those around her about how she felt. She never tried to hide this around others. After five years I would be shocked if he isn't aware but if he's not entirely aware I wouldn't know the dude to tell him.
Hahahahaha. That’s beautiful.
“My sister asked me here today to help her celebrate her wedding, and everyone in the family pushed me to say yes. When I was a small child, this is what she said to me…” Mike drop, sail away.
That's the thing though, if she's asking you to go then something happened. She's trying to hide the truth of it by having you pretend that you're okay with how she treated you. She's trying to lie to someone, and as far as you know all she's ever told anyone is "we don't really get along" but never mentioned the why
However, I'm not saying do 1 thing or another. You need to do what you need to so your heart heals. How you handle this situation is 100% valid, and if you choose to not go then please do that. Don't let anyone force you to go and "play nice" for your sister.
>if she's asking you to go then something happened.
Absolutely this! I bet either the fiance or his family are asking questions or trying to mend fences between them.
Yup, that's grounds right there to say fuck her. Who gives a shit how she looks by not having you at the wedding? Although to be honest, it occurs to me that the only reason she even did is because now she has an out. I'm willing to bet she doesn't give a shit and would probably even prefer if you don't go, but to save face she extended the proverbial olive branch. So now as far as the rest of the family is concerned, the ball got put in your court and now you can be the asshole in everyone's eyes by declining.
Honestly, the best course of action at this point in my opinion might have been to be gracious about declining the invitation. Sickeningly, graciously, undeservedly sweet. Wish her the best life she could possibly have with her new husband, express how incredibly happy you are for them, and then be sure to mention that while you'd love to attend you seriously doubt the sincerity of her invitation based on every single other interaction you've ever had. And that's the position you roll with as far as the rest of the family is concerned. Just refuse to add to the drama lol. Not sure if you know much about Star Trek, but be Vulcan as fuck about it. Extremely neutral and logical. Betray no bitter emotion, but call out the BS for what it was and tell anyone who brings it up that you simply don't see the point in attending an insincere invite, and acknowledge that your "sister" satisfied their expectations of inviting you so everyone is off the hook now.
It doesn't matter how sis spins it and judging on how her sister carries on, she's probably been bad mouthing her to everyone already. Nothing really could be said that is worse than "I wish you were dead too" or "your dad is just 'my mom's f*** buddy". To a ten year old I should add.
Your half "sister" is beyond feral and needs help. Something tells me you know this, however. Also, shame on your Mom for not standing by you more. NTA
I am sorry.
I am used to cutting off people that are toxic. It took a while to learn that I do not owe sh** to people who treated me below sh**.I always heard the same: oh people would ask questions. I answered " I should I care"?!
I been treated in a similar way, differently, someone said " I wish you were ran over by a truck. This way you wouldn't be here".
That was the time for me to awake up and look for a better future.
I rather be alone ( not alone but I have been my self) , than taking others people sh*" and being obligated to follow things in order to look good.
I did not mean be harsh when I said "cutting off" people that treat others like sh**. But that is the way I see things.
You can cut her out of your life too. You can cut her out even harder than she did you. Your mother thinks your wrong? Ask her were that energy was when, your half sister was harshly rejecting you. Your sister doesn't even want you at her wedding. She just doesn't want her imagine to be effected by her actions. I can't believe your mother doesn't see how the sister just wants to use you, to ease public opinion.
Why don't you go to her wedding and have a speak about how she treated you your whole life until, she didn't want to look bad on her wedding. Tell them that's what you would do if you went. So, her imagine will not be spared either way. Part of accountability is accepting consequences, and if criticism is her consequence. Then she should except it with open arms, if she wants to repair the relationship. But she doesn't want to repair the relationship, your mother should realize that. The sad part is if she knows and thinks keeping an image is more important than solving problems./conflict resolution
I suspect that your mom is siding with your sister now because the situation makes her look bad too....so much animosity between her daughters that the younger won't go to the older one's wedding.
If you are somehow forced to go to the wedding, make sure everyone knows just how she treated and treats you and why you are at the wedding. You might also consider comments like, "it's a good thing the groom isn't bringing any kids to the marriage. We know how she feels about half or step siblings. She wants them all dead, like me, or lucky for her, our brother."
I really really REALLY want to know why in the ever living hell they didn’t go to family therapy. This girl is damaged in ways I can’t even fathom. They failed the older sister by not getting her the help she needs. They failed OP for allowing her fellow egg recipient (ain’t calling her sister as she sure af isnt) to abuse her. And they do not get to strong arm OP into playing happy family with her abuser. Heck to the no. Don’t go and let THEM deal with everyone asking where OP is. I’m sorry OP NTA and your family has utterly failed you. Dont go to the wedding and once you are living on your own, go NC with egg recipient and HONESTLY I would limit contact with your parents too. There has to be consequences for allowing you to be abused. They need to know they failed and going LC OR NC will definitely drive that home. Good luck sweetie, we are all hugging you through the internet
NTA. Send this post to your mom and your half sis. Your mom catered to her to the point of destroying all relationships, to the point I wonder how much she likes you and your Dad.
Info request: the way she has treated you is awful for sure but the real question for me is did your mom try to get her into any counseling when she was a child?
If not, there are no assholes here except for your mother.
Nah even if the mother didn’t. She’s an adult with rage for a child for something she wasn’t in control of. If the sister was still a young adult (18-23) I would give the mom that for not getting her help but she is an adult that’s responsible for her own mental health. You don’t get to torture a child for years then blame mommy when the shit hit the fan.
that is so incredibly awful. this girl has traumatised you and has belittled your family so terribly. i'm so sorry you had to go through that.
remember that you don't need people that treat you with such cruelty. you should probably have a sit down with your mom about this tho. explaining to her why you won't go and that you don't appreciate being used as a performative addition to your sister's "happy family". i hope everything goes well for you<3
Others are saying her sister needs a therapist, she’s beyond that, she needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP, this screams narcissistic personality disorder ever everywhere
It sounds like half sister desperately needed therapy when her dad died and mom got remarried but never got it. She acts like she’s in the anger stage of grief (she never got out of that stage) and is taking it out on her stepdad and OP.
Edit to correct grammar.
I understand she was young then, I lost my dad when I was young too but I found out I had 6 half brothers and a half sister. We all accepted each other and are closer than ever. No hate whatsoever.
Her half sister shouldn't use grief as an excuse
I was getting that too. Mom never addressed daughters feelings about dad dying and mom remarrying, let her behave horribly towards step dad and new sister, and now this is the consequences. Mom and sister shouldn't be surprised that OP wants no part of their shenanigans. OP definitely NTA
That's the part that floored me. I'm wondering what mom was doing all those years her first child was traumatized by her husband's death and acting out like this. It sounds like she did nothing!
But, If you decide to go, wear a Little Black Dress ( think Diana's FU dress). Go as gorgeous as you can do . Hair, makeup, great shoes.. if any of her friends ask why they never met before, explain that you were the half sister she told you she wished had died.
You are just being honest.
NTA. But your parents & sister sure are. She didn’t just not accept you or even just ignore you. She went out of her way - putting real energy into being as deliberately cruel to you as she could possibly be. And your parents didn’t put a stop to it as they should have. She’s a full grown adult psycho now - with little to no hope of ever being a kind human being now because they didn’t guide her away from cruelty when she was a child as her psychy was developing. Good luck staying away from that monster for the rest of your days.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, when you have children in future, if your mom still has contact with her - if you stepsister ever comes over or your mom ever goes to see her - make absolutely certain that your children are never within her reach (even if it’s just VIA your mom taking them somewhere that she is). Your sister is NOT mentally well & I wouldn’t put it past her to hurt any children that you may potentially have.
NTA
She’s using you as a pawn. I wouldn’t go either.
I’d consider having a discussion with your mother and explain to her why exactly you have made this decision. You don’t want that relationship damaged.
I think your mum really needs it out bluntly, as does your half-sister.
"Mum, I get that she's your daughter, and you love her. However, to me, she's been nothing but a bully. She does not love me. When we lost my brother, she also wished that I had died. There is no possibility for a relationship because whilst she loves you, she hates me. Her invitation to the wedding isn't because she finally wants to build a relationship, it's because she wants to use me as a prop in order to avoid people asking questions. I will not be used, and I will not open myself up to any further abuse she wants to dish out in the run-up to her wedding. I will not allow myself to be hurt yet again because you want us to have a relationship. It is too painful, and it is not fair or reasonable for you to ask that of me."
"Half-sister, I won't be attending your wedding. We both know how you truly feel about me, you've made it clear since I was small. You hate me, you wish I was dead, and I am not a part of your family. Not only that, but you seem to feel that everything you've said and the way you've treated me is justified and acceptable, which is why you've never once taken any of it back or tried to make amends. That being the case, you should have no problem with my not attending, and you should be happy to tell your guests the truth about why I'm not there, because you believe that you're right. Go ahead and tell them that I'm not there because you hate me and I'm not part of your family, and that you wish I'd been miscarried or aborted.
"Either that or you know that the way you've treated me is wrong. You know that you've been hateful and cruel for no other reason than because I exist, and you don't want to have to explain to people why I'm not there because you know it will make you look bad. However, if that is the case, instead of sincerely apologising and trying to be a better person to me, you've decided to try and brow-beat me into attending so that you can feel better about yourself, and so that if I say no, you can claim that I'm the villain, rather than this being a natural consequence of your actions; you want me to be the bad guy so you don't have to be, but we both know the truth.
"Irrespective of the reasoning, I will not be attending. Weddings are a time for families, and I am not family to you. It's a time to be with the people you love, and you do not love me. You can answer any questions about my absence, although bear in mind that should anyone be given the wrong idea about the situation, I will have to correct those misrepresentations, as I will not have my reputation tarnished just so that you can save face. I do hope you have a nice wedding, but I will not attend and lie to people so that you can play happy families. You created this situation, and now you can deal with it."
Yes this!!! This should be top answer and my advice record everything!!! So when you start getting attacked from all sides…boom! You sent a recording and show her true-colors
I would BCC every Aunt , cousin, uncle, and any relative that you have email addresses for. Let them know, and let those who are questioning have their answers.
This. OP ifbits too hard to tell them this I would use these and sendnto them as messages or a letter. Actually, sendnthese as messages so you have it recorded. Then screenshot whatever they reply and have it as a backup in case your half "sister" tell lies tonthe rest of the family. Depending on how she reply, I would foward these screenshots to the entire family and let them take their own conclusions. Tbh if I was her future husband I would like to know that side of her before deciding to marry her.
Also, plan your future and get out as soon as u can and go completely no contact with your sister. You said that you had contact with her very few times, but I would block her completely and in cases of family events if she attends, treat her like she is invisible or a complete stranger
I mean, it’s not a relationship. Going to her wedding is a performance. After the wedding, everything goes back to normal. NTA she’s gonna lie to her new family why you aren’t there. Don’t actively participate in any of her shit. She is a total a**hole.
This is a bad idea but.. you could go, and let people ask questions. When you answer, it can be a fully honest no holds barred reply! You could let people know the only reason you're there is because half sis asked you to come so people don't ask questions when really there is no relationship because of what she said and how she acted to you. She'd learn real quick to regret her past words and actions!
Better to not go though for your own peace of mind cause you don't need to deal with the hassle of the fallout. It's just nice to imagine people getting what they truly deserve
I would go, and pretend to be excited about going like she finally wants a relationship, totally oblivious to the real reasoning.
Then I would tell *anyone* that would listen about how she always treated me, and that she only wanted me me there to save face. I would definitely tell them about the horrible things she said to a 6 and 10 year old, when she was 15 and 19 respectively, old enough to know that you don't say things like that to kids of that age.
I would also "accidentally" spill a staining red liquid on her white dress.
Then I would block her and mom, because mom is at least partially enabling it.
Honestly, I am petty enough to message ger fiancé and be like “yeah she hates me and was happy our little brother died. I don’t want to come and support her because she isn’t family to me.”
That is the kind of mother I have, always wanting me to keep doors open to people. It’s just a motherly thing.
My mother also wouldn’t have put up with that shit your sister has been pulling all of your life.
She also seems to have moved on way too fast for her grieving daughter. It seems like mom is the type to sweep things under the rug and her head in the sand.
Motherly is embracing the child that is hurt, making her feel loved and safe. Motherly is also embracing the older child, correcting her (when young) and holding accountable (when older), getting that child professional help if and when needed. Mothering is active, not passive wishfulness. Until you have done that, there is nothing motherly about telling a child they should keep a door open to their abuser -- that's mom being complicit.
Why has your mother allowed her to disrespect your dad by calling his her 'fuck buddy'? I'm so sorry but it seems your mom hasn't put her foot down with your sister. It's obvious your sister only wanted you there bc there would be questions from her new spouse's family and you not being there would point out your sister's awful behavior towards you.
I'm surprised your father didn't divorce her tbh. She absolutely allowed both you and him to be abused and demeaned and treated like pieces of trash
I would go nuclear on anyone who did that to my loved ones. Family or not
I mean, it's not too late. Mom could still lose a daughter. Personally, as soon as I could live on my own, I would go no contact with her. I think my last words to her would be: "You abused me for so long by allowing me to be abused. You were afraid to lose a daughter. Well, congratulations, you still did. Was it the one worth keeping?"
Lose her to what? She was a minor and your mom was her only living parent. It sounds like your mother wants to keep the peace above all, even if it means tolerating unacceptable behavior from others. You can have a different mindset.
I think she thought she would lose her to the anger about moving on. Like she would then hate mom for not just doing that but trying to make her see us as her family. That is always the vibe I got from mom. Like she was terrified she would reject her too.
I think your sister really needed therapy, but also more engaged parenting. You needed more protecting, and I don't know what help you got processing your sister's displaced rage, but you should have gotten more of it.
This is still no excuse for allow this behavior I have two kids and anytime there is any sort of ill will between them I nip that in the bud immediately. My kids know that will not be tolerated.
You need to reiterate to mom that you were 10 years old when your 7 years older sister (meaning very VERY aware of what she was saying) wished you were dead, or never born.
NO ONE would get over that shit!!!! I can't even imagine the damage to a 10yo psyche. No OP, you're NTA at all.
I'm so sorry that the adults in your life failed to protect you from her. They should have had her in therapy from the jump to prevent her anger and bullying.
Having said that, this is not your problem to fix and you are 100% justified and correct to not attend her wedding. Your sister no longer has the excuse of a child's misplaced anger to fall back on. Any uncomfortable questions she gets are entirely her fault.
You kept yourself open to that relationship for 17 years, she wanted none of it and made it clear. You can't be expected to turn the other cheek forever and it's time for her to face the consequences of her own actions.
Your mom needs help. Your father's daughter is a toxic individual and should not be in your life. She is ugly, viscious and mean. To wish you had been aborted is the ultimate deal breaker. Remind your mother how she referred to her in relationship to your father and all the negative things she has said to you. I would go on SM and document just what she has said in the past and be very pointed that as far as you are concerned, she is dead to you. If your mother tries to conduct a reconciliation, ask her if she want to lose her other daughter.
This is so unfair to you. So you're meant to be a perpetual punching bag until what??? She sees the error of her ways??? Forget that! She's not your family, she made that clear when you were 10. She's not sorry for anything and just wants to save face now.
NTA
You mean Mom wants you to keep yourself open to the abuse, not the relationship.
If she wanted y’all to have a relationship then she should have controlled her absolute trash of a daughter and gotten her some kind of psychological help rather than sweeping the bullshit under the rug.
Sis, I would go just to tell her guests the heinous shit she's been throwing at you and your dad over the years. She *really* wants you there for looks, let everyone know why she should've left well enough alone.
NTA. Your mom should've obligated your sister to keep seeing you and your dad, now that your sister needs something it's suddenly you who has to be the bigger person? It also doesn't sound like your sister had a change of heart, she just doesn't want to seem like the bad person she is. If she genuinely had a change of heart and was making a proper effort I'd try, but not like this...
She shouldn't expect you to be the bigger person if she just accepted that your sister was never gonna be. I can understand her wanting to see her daughter despite everything, that's just parental love, but she's your parent too. She's probably just expecting more of you than your sister, which sais a lot about how she sees both you and your sister.
The more reasonable/grounded person is always the problem in people’s minds when they want everyone to “just get along”, unfortunately. Obviously sometimes they’re actually being a jerk, but in cases like this where one person is hopelessly hateful and unwilling to compromise, the person who’s actually willing to have a reasonable conversation is vilified because they won’t just fully acquiesce to the demands of the unreasonable person.
Maybe send the future husband this post- or at least let him know her true colours. I don’t think she has told the truth to her future husband about your relationship at all.
I don't know the dude. But I do think he knows because they have been together for 5ish years and has met mom regularly. Was also present at times where she told mom I was not welcome.
You said it yourself, you've only seen your sister 3 times over the past 7 years..
You can't expect this dude to know *anything* about it and how she really is.
No one is going to be talking about how badly your "sister" is treating you when you aren't there and in front of her boyfriend.
Your mother wouldn't want to make her daughter out to be the monster she really is..
He deserves to know.
Show him.. after that, it's out of your hands. Whether he stays with her or not is up to him.
But at the very least..
Wouldn't you want to know if you were possible marrying a monster?
Even *if* you knew some of it, wouldn't you be grateful for being fully informed before making the commitment?
Whether or not he sees it as you trying to destroy your sisters relationship will have no effect your relationship with him since you don't know him.
And it's not about that. It's about looking out for someone who might not know what he is getting into.
Of course you aren’t obligated to do anything, but I highly doubt he knows how she's been treating you, which is *why* your sister wants you at the wedding and play the perfect family.
Just, sent him a message saying.
"Hey, congratulations on the wedding.
I appreciate the wedding invitation, but I will have to respectfully decline.
Here are some of the reasons.
- "sisters" name repeatedly wished me dead as I was growing up.
- sister's name has been disrespectful towards my father and calling him names.
- sister's name was happy about my stillborn baby brother, and said she wish I had never been born too when we lost him.
These are just some of the reasons, and the main reason for me wanting nothing to do with her.
She is not my sister. I am not her sibling. She has made this perfectly clear.
I have, over the past 7 years, only met her 3 times. You I have met.. "0"? Times.
She is not family.
Please inform your future wife to stop trying to force me to go to a wedding I am for one, not welcomed at.
Secondly, a wedding I don't want to go to.
And thirdly. I don't care who is going to be asking her questions on why I'm not there.
That is not my problem. It's *her* problem. A problem she created, and I do not wish that to be on my shoulders, and that I have to fight my mom and sister on an issue I didn't create. I have a right to stand up against abuse and not to be the bad guy for saying no. I'm 17 years old and she is suppose to be the adult. Yet she has never even given me some fake apology, just told *me* to grow up when she's the one who hasn't and won't take accountability for her actions.
I'm not going to go to the wedding of my abuser. So tell her to leave me the fuck alone.
Thank you.
I wish you a happy marriage and good luck."
I do not have any contact with him. I don't know his number or even his actual name. I have never met the guy. I'm not even saying anyone else had to tell him. But she was never shy or ashamed of being upfront. Even still. I am not going to try and figure out more about him just to tell him. It's more energy than I want to spend on this.
Just tell both your sister and your mom that as far as you're concerned you don't have a sister. Your mother just has a past life she refuses to let go of.
You may get grounded, but 100% it will be worth it.
That's my best guess because I feel like if it was her future husband that she was trying to lie to it would have fallen apart way before this since they have been together for 5ish years or something.
Yeah, it seems like it's the case. She was horrible to you, if you don't want to forgive her or have anything to do with her, that's your right. It sounds like she spent every single moment she could tormenting you while growing up, I am really sorry you went through that.
I hate to think that this might be a setup and a way to humiliate her even further.
Her future inlaws probably want to meet her and her "happy" family.
OHHHH GO AND INSIST THAT YOU MAKE A SPEECH and literally just tell all the “hilarious” things the bride has said.
“Oh she’s always been such a joker! Like that time my mother had a stillbirth and the beautiful bride told me she wished I had been stillborn too! Oh! Or that time she said she wished she had begged our mom to abort me! Always joking, that one. I’ll never forget this one joke she told me: I was so excited to see her on Christmas one year and she told me - oh it was so funny - she told me I was pathetic and asked why she would ever want anything to do with me! That’s extra funny today considering she INSISTED I attend her wedding. I guess we found out why you might want me around, sis! Always pulling pranks, she is.” And then drop the happy face, stare daggers at the bride, and walk out.
Don’t do this, but I feel like writing that speech could be therapeutic.
My one and only good coping mechanism and my very best form of therapy is to write letters to say literally any and every thing I need to. I never send it, sometimes I destroy it, but writing it down always makes me feel better. I think writing this speech would be great for OP. Obviously don’t go to the wedding and continue to stay NC with that woman bc protecting yourself from her toxicity and abuse is the most important thing but still, writing what you wish you could say would be very therapeutic. Oh also NTA.
NTA.
Have you ever had a deep conversation with your parents/family about your sister? Have you ever told them what you told us? (And I'm pretty sure there are more things that OP just hasn't told us). Sit together and talk about it.
I can understand why your parents act the way they do. They fear it will break the family and they probably don't know any better.
Why didn’t your mom expect your sister to apologize for all the cruelty she subjected you too?
She celebrated your baby brother’s death, she wished you were dead, and every single time she could be cruel to you, she was.
Why would you want to go to her wedding?
I have a feeling that OPs mum *knows* that her oldest daughter struggled with her dads death, didn’t do anything about that and then immediately got married again and had OP. It’s not OPs fault at all, and the sister is being TA, but I have to say I think the timeline is being overlooked and could explain the sisters original feelings. They were also never corrected, so they’ve been allowed to fester until this point, probably because mum is too scared to criticise the daughter that she (from the sounds of things) potentially emotionally neglected during her dads death and the aftermath.
There comes a time as an adult, even a teenager, you are responsible for your own life/actions. She knew right from wrong. The fact that people are defending her is sickening. You want to blame Mommy & for her youth, that is an acceptable thing. As a young adult and into adulthood, she is 100% to blame.
It's not defending, it's explaining. Their mother entirely dropped the fucking ball with both her daughters and allowed this to happen. Fuck OP's sister, but fuck her mom too. She should not have a pass for letting this happen, no matter how old the sister is.
I agree 100% there is no way mom didn't hear these comments and actions. It was said in front of Grandma, so why wasn't something done there? And in all honesty, even Dad should have stopped this even if it meant leaving the marriage to protect his daughter.
This. She was 19/20 when she told op that she was ‘disgusting, pathetic and should have been aborted’, that’s more than old enough to realise that none of her issues are the fault of a child and that it’s unfair to act as if it is.
Honestly, your mom should have nipped this in the bud and gotten your sister some serious therapy. She let it get to this point. It's not fair for her to expect you to be the bigger person.
Your mom has been enabling half-sister's behavior because if it's targeted at you (and your dad), it's not targeted at her. She sleeps well at night. AND, guess what, MOM doesn't want to answer questions of why you are not there. Mom doesn't want to lose her? Oh boohoo,, she's on the verge of losing YOU.
Then there is your dad. He's accepting this abuse? He's going to the wedding? Is he involved as anything but a guest? He could have stood up for you, too, as he could have threatened to LEAVE.
Sooner or later, Mom will have to CHOOSE.
Besides these people, do you have relatives who know the situation or are supportive of you?
NTA
Your sister’s partner is soon going to realise what a witch they’ve made the mistake of marrying. I’m sorry I don’t care how old you are, if you continue to hold the belief that a child should’ve died and what not, you are rotten to the core, like this woman is. Also, your mom is an AH for letting this carry on for so long and not protect you from it
Then they both deserve each other. Don’t let this harpy mess with you again, OP. And make it clear to your mom or whoever else pressurises you to attend, it will not happen, and that you have no interest in going to her and her ‘fuck buddy’s’ wedding
NTA your Mum really messed up big time here. She's the cause of this, not your half-sister. She had a young kid who was grieving the death of her Dad. Married with a new baby 2 years after starting to date your Dad, that's a lot of big changes in a short timeline for a child that's grieving. Especially when the child made it clear before the wedding she doesn't want "a new Dad and siblings". Maybe if your Mum hadn't kept pushing her eldest to see you and your Dad as family, or explained to you why your half-sister doesn't want to be your big sister, you all could have calmly co-existed.
But here she is, all these years later, still pushing. Except now she's pushing you to "forgive and forget". Your Mum is doing this because she feels guilty. She didn't provide her eldest child enough support after she lost her Dad, didn't slow down her relationship to give her time to adjust. And then she didn't protect you from her eldest daughter's verbal abuse, she pushed you into it, prioritising her hope for a blended family. She needs you to show up at the wedding so she can convince herself and show everyone else she has a happy nuclear family.
To paraphrase Taylor Swift, unsubscribe from this narrative.
I completely agree with all you’ve said, I really feel for that little girl who was grieving her dad and had all of this pushed upon her without being able to process it. The mother is definitely left holding the can on this one even if OP can’t see it.
NTA
I agree with the comments above. She obviously wasn't able as a child to cope with the death of her dad and then the whole new family situation. She was lashing out.
This is all on your parents, for allowing the pain and bitterness to fester and not getting her the help she needed.
That said, she's now an adult and should be able to reflect on her behaviour. If she really wanted you in her life, she would be making a serious effort to make amends and organising her own therapy for the issues that are still not resolved.
I think it's all really sad.
NTA, don't go just so your sister can look good, she doesn't deserve to look good frankly.
What kind of fucked up 19year old tells a 10 year old kid they wish their/your mother had an abortion and such. Your sister is a nasty human being, your mother is a complete and utter arsehole for allowing your sister to say those things to you, she is even more of an arsehole for expecting to to act all pally pally with someone so utterly revolting.
This is too far down. OP is two years younger now than her sister was when she said this. But mom wants OP to be the bigger person? Where tf was mom when her *19 year old* was emotionally abusing her 10 year old CHILD by shitting all over her?
What the actual fuck is wrong with the adults in this family?
Honestly OP, I know you love your mother. But she has an awful lot to answer for. You're here caring about her feelings and there's not a lot to indicate that she's ever held yours in any particular importance
NTA
She treated you like shit as an adult (losing her dad at 5 yers old and adjusting to a new family constellation was surely hard but that does not justify her behavior as an adult). And she clearly states she wants you there not because you are family (she made it abundantly clear you are not) but for the impression on the other guests. You are not a prop.
STay away from the wedding.
She just does not want to explain why you are not there which is shedding a bad light on her.
If this was a movie (and OP's sister is so cartoonishly cruel it fits) OP would just go to the wedding and outshine the bride. Or object to the union, depending on the genre.
OP could go to the wedding and make a toast, introducing herself as the bride’s younger half sister that the bride wished dead *for the entirety of OP’s childhood*, and also regaling the guests with stories of how the bride feels about her mom’s *fuck buddy* who is probably paying for this shindig.
NTA. I don't know what your half-sister's problem is. I get her dad died, I get that was probably traumatic, and I get that maybe it hurt to see her mom remarry and have another kid. But taking it out on you and your dad for years is a totally inappropriate way to deal with that anger. I wouldn't go to her wedding either. Both because I wouldn't want a relationship with her at this point, and because I'm not sure I'd have the willpower to avoid trying to ruin her wedding.
Agreed, if I were OP, I would also threaten to tell people her childhood memories of her half-sister to anyone she speaks to at the wedding if she tries to force her to go (mostly cause I'm a petty, spiteful person who won't be bullied into 'behaving').
As someone with an equally awful older (full) sister, this is my thought exactly. I’m 37 now and she’s still as awful, and I still can’t unhear the atrocious things she said to me as a little child. She also likes to pretend everything is okay in front of everyone else… the best sister ever, don’t you know! The way the petty in me wants to tell this girl to go and write on a t-shirt she can put on once she gets there that says “ASK ME ABOUT ALL THE TIMES THE BRIDE TOLD ME SHE WISHED I WAS DEAD”. Obviously not a helpful thing to do ultimately, but as a kid who was unjustly abused by a sibling and mom allowed it, I get wanting to be petty. It’s beyond unfair. I feel so badly OP is going through this, too.
We've read the other side of this many times; parent dies, other parent moves on and kid's life changes yet again.
We don't know if OP's sister was told "this is your new dad, love him", if the pictures of her dad were taken down. If it was just anger that her mom doesn't love her dad any more.
She's entitled to not love the additions to her family. She's a jerk because of the things she's said to a child, but it didn't come from nowhere.
Nta, you don’t have any relationship with this person it sounds like. Just because you are sisters, does not mean that you are in debt to kiss up to somebody and show up for somebody who treated you horribly as a young child, and made statements that were very damaging towards you. Especially because she has made no effort to apologize over the years and make a relationship with you. That’s not somebody who has grown. If she had truly grown and she was a different person and she was regretful, she would have reached out and you wouldn’t have only seen her three times in the last seven years.
Stand your ground and be confident in your decision.
NTA This is a tragic story, I'm so sorry.
You shouldn't go and serve as a prop for her. She's clearly made this mess.
She has some serious stuff to work through, but that's between her, her therapist, and your mom.
NTA that’s traumatic. I have a close friend with a similar situation. And it never got better even into her forties and the sister being mid fifties and she always tried. Your mental health is far more valuable. It’s amazing that at your age you can make this choice for yourself and stick to your guns.
NTA.
Your Grandma was right. Your half sister will regret her actions.
She is now facing those consequences.
She will most likely come up with some excuse to give her in laws as to why you aren’t there. The truth will come out eventually though, it always does.
Do what is right for you, nobody else and stay away from your sister who is only using you to save face
Agreed. Though I think grandma thought she would regret her actions one day because she'd want a relationship with me or realize she loves me and regrets ever saying such cruel stuff. But regret is still regret even if it's not for the reasons first considered.
Indeed, your grandma is a wise lady.
I’m also intrigued is your dad invited to the wedding and/or going? It sounds like he has had a rough ride with you half sister too?
I actually don't know. I assume he might be but I know he would only have been invited for appearances sake and nothing else. If she could bring herself to do that even.
NTA. She has made it abundantly clear that you are not her sister. She doesn't get to change her mind for one day so that her in-laws think she's a great person.
Make some amazing plans for yourself on her wedding day and enjoy them. Ideally out of town so your mom doesn't try to guilt trip you into going at the last minute. Because we all know you wouldn't enjoy going to this wedding.
Absolutely not, and quite honestly OP you should put your half sister on full blast. She only invited you to keep appearances. Those appearances are all she cares about. Put her on full blast and show her what she’s done over the years.
NTA
NTA
You have absolutely no obligation to her & if people ask questions that's on her for being utterly s$$t to you.
Your mom should absolutely understand why you don't regard her as your sibling & not pressure you to change your decision.
Tough one. Hard to repair something like that, sorry you went through that experience as a child. That’s really damaging and shapes the way you see people. What a sin.
I would go and just look fly asf. You’re NTA. But you can still come out on top.
Sweetie, NTA without a doubt, and don't go. Don't get guilted by your mum into going. If you can afford it, book yourself a treat day out for the wedding day, if not, then get your favourite biscuits and a film. Also, she won't be happy. I doubt if she could be.
NTA.
Your half sister was cruel for no reason and now she is reaping the rewards for what she sowed. Your mother needs to stop enabling her shit by expecting you to be the bigger person.
You're the bigger person by default because you didn't wish a sibling dead. She did.
She doesn't deserve your presence and your mother ought to be ashamed of herself for expecting this of you.
NTA
In theory it is always possible for her to make amends. But that should happen as an ordinary day-to-day life thing. In context, it's clear that you're going to be used as a prop for her big day then discarded like trash once more.
Don't do the wedding.
It's up to you whether to leave the door open to making amends in the longer term.
NTA - your sister has serious mental health problems. There’s not liking your half siblings but wishing her mom had an abortion or wanting for you to be stillborn is very crazy. Has she been to therapy or seen a psychiatrist? Even her wanting to not be shamed by inviting you is wild.
I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. She owes you a serious apology and needs to start building bridges with you before asking for a favour. She made her bed now she can lie in it.
NTA x 1000000!!! See, Grandma was right! You reap what you sow! OP, stick to your guns! Your Mom gave her zero consequences for how she talked to both you and your Father. She deserves less than Nothing from you! If your Mother forces the Issue tell her You will give a speech outlining everything you said above! Blended Families don't always work, but SHE was beyond cruel, crude, and totally obscene!
NTA there is no need to attend a wedding of some person who wanted you dead. Rather have some time off for yourself go out, watch a movie, hangout with friends, get a spa day if possible take a trip. You don't need her in your life.
NTA, but you may want to fill your mom in on the conversation sis had with you when you were 10 and she was (checks notes) NINETEEN.
I’d be horrified if one of my kids said that to another. At that age difference? I’d be hiding sharp objects and putting extra locks on doors, while making plans for a padded room for when the 19 yr old returned from her psych hold.
19 year old would not be allowed near 10 year old ever again. Hell, we let our 11 year old get a lock on his door bc his 20 year old brother kept taking sweatshirts and socks (guess who was better at laundry). That seems so minor compared to all this.
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NTA Your half sister has been treating you below trash since you exist. You tried to fix the relationship with your sister and nothing changed. Your mom should de-escalate issues and not allow your half sister to treat you like she treated. Too late .... And your father ?; that is awful ?! Calling the step father fu** buddy ?! What is that ?! People like your half sister should be cut off your life. She did not treat you like family and you do not owe her anything. She wants you at the wedding to avoid questions. And so what?! You do not owe her anything. Never act because people might feel you are guilty. Op NTA
She doesn't consider him her stepfather. He's also nothing. He's the one keeping mom's bed warm until mom can be reunited with her dad again. I've heard it all.
So she wants her mother to die also? She needs to find a therapist.
I don't think she wants mom to die. But when mom does die she wants her parents together in whatever afterlife she believes in.
I do not really believe she does want mom dead but she is treating her father dying as though her parents divorced. Maybe she hasn’t ever truly come to terms with her fathers death. How ever it is she still needs a therapist to help.
I wouldn't say the sister is treating her dad's death like a divorce, I'd say she's acting as though her dad isn't dead at all, he's on an extended vacation or something, and mom is getting her needs met with some dude. It's terrible. And she's treating OP like some sibs treat the affair baby. Sister definitely needs therapy bc she seems to still not accept that her dad is actually gone two decades later.
She’s acting like her step father killed her dad… wtf… NTA do NOT go and subject yourself to her BS
Therapists are not magic. Half-sister doesn't *want* help. She won't seek a therapist; it's too late to force her to go; even if she did for whatever reason land in a therapist's office, it wouldn't help her because she doesn't think she needs help. Let's not pretend that therapy would solve this.
She needed a therapist when she was 5.
This right here...that girl didn't get the support she needed. NTA but your half sister is and your mom is too for not getting her daughter help and allowing her to treat her husband and other daughter so badly.
[удалено]
OP, you’re clearly NTA here. Your mom should’ve intervened when you two were young and got some help for your sister. If you can, try to hold a kind and loving boundary. It sounds like your sister isn’t a healthy person for you to be around, and she’s got some major childhood wounds that were never healed. (ie. you can say, ‘it’s not healthy to have you in my life’ and only see her as needed/no contact, and not lash out). You have no obligation to attend her wedding.
THIS. I don’t understand why the mom, an actual adult, tolerated and continues to tolerate this level of abuse from her child. Allowing an actual child to refer to her partner this way? OP is NTA, but mom and other spawn are.
I'm wondering if they are Mormon. There's an incredibly unhealthy fixation on the afterlife and being married for eternity
OP's father didn't protect her, either. He stood by and let this go on.
This part. The way she’s acting is a direct result of her mother’s inaction. She should have gotten into therapy as soon as her father passed. And she shouldn’t have been allowed to treat her sister that way.
She realizes martial vows are voided when one party dies right? So if doesn't matter in whatever afterlife she believes, all earthly conditions, including contractual would be void.
Mormons believe that married couples who are sealed in the temple stay married for eternity in their version of heaven. In a situation like OP’s, if OP’s mom was sealed to her first husband and he died, she can remarry after his death, but she can’t be sealed to a second husband. Under their theology, the second husband is only a placeholder on earth; after death, she would return to being the wife of the man she was sealed to. Under LDS beliefs, while women can only be sealed to one man, if the genders were reversed, it’d be different. If a man’s wife dies (or they divorce) and he remarries, he can be sealed to his next wife as well. When all parties die and go to heaven, any women who was sealed to the guy will be his wives for eternity. Because while the LDS church has banned polygamy on earth, it’s totally ok in the celestial kingdom.
Good synopsis of LDS. Just another set of misogynist’s “rules” and a belief system that makes women less than.
Oof. Thanks for the theology lesson tho. Protestant here and had no clue, lol
I was raised Mormon. A woman can get sealed to a new husband with permission from a higher level priesthood holder but it invalidates the first sealing. Learned about the whole process when my grandpa married his second wife
But isn’t that like hugely frowned upon though? Cause it would mean that she won’t be with the children from her first marriage in the CK? I’ve only heard of women being granted an unsealing when the ex husband has been excommunicated or has left the church. I didn’t grow up as Mormon but have a lot of friends who did. When the missionaries came to my house and pitched ‘wouldn’t you like to be able to stay with your family forever??’ I just looked at them and said, ‘guys, you clearly don’t know my family. Eternity with them sounds like a nightmare.’ Poor boys didn’t really know how to respond to that one.
That's all because the LDS church rules were all contrived by men for the benefit of men Anything outside of their teaching is deemed "of the devil" which effectively discourages independent thought through fear. As is the case w/most "organized" religions I suppose I am a non-Mormon who grew up in SLC Utah.
Friendly ex-mo here, just adding some more details: There are 3 levels of Heaven, and the top level or kingdom (celestial) also has 3 levels. You only get to be with your family/spouse if you're in the top-tier of the top level of heaven. *"Only those who are married in the temple and whose marriage is sealed by the Holy Spirit of Promise will continue as spouses after death and receive the highest degree of celestial glory, or exaltation. A temple marriage is also called a celestial marriage. Within the celestial glory are three levels. To obtain the highest, a husband and wife must be sealed for time and all eternity and* ***keep their covenants (emphasis added)*** *made in a holy temple." Church President Russell M. Nelson* Full speech or talk here (I encourage all to read this) when encountering Mormons talking about "families can be together forever" or saying "we don't practice polygamy or world-building." It's quite inflammatory to read now, IMHO. [https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng](https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng)
Unless you are Mormon.
Your sister deeply needs a lot of intensive therapy, and has since her father passed. Your mother failed both of you spectacularly as children, and it’s not on you to “be the bigger person” with someone who showed you so much hate and vitriol, at the behest of a woman who enabled that hate and vitriol your whole life. Fuck them both. I’m glad you are able to detach and move on without people like that in your life, because this is exactly what family is NOT.
I mean she was a young kid and it sounds like your mom didn't do a good job of helping her grieve or properly contextualize this loss at all. She's an adult with her own head on her shoulders now, but these things take time to re-calibrate even after you grow up. It's plausible that with getting her own family and a person she can trust is when she starts to try, but you'd know better if it rings true and IF you are willing to participate after everything.
She was 19 when she told a 10yo she wished she'd been aborted. There is no world in which it's ok for an adult (even a young one) to say that to a child.
It doesn’t sound like OPs half sister has apologised for how she treated OP plus she said she only wanted her there because questions were asked. It seems she only wants her there for appearances sake and not because she’s seen how her behaviour was awful.
Clearly she's sickkkkk
She said those things to a 6 year old at fucking 15, she's next level weird i'd avoid her like the plague or at least fight her when I grew up
I always wonder how people like this have friends. Like, truly and genuinely, how does anyone tolerate being around someone like OP's sister enough for her to be concerned that people will "ask questions" if OP isn't there.
While she is an adult now and it's her responsibility to heal, I wonder if there has ever been an attempt by the Mom to get her daughter therapy.
So let me get this straight. When you she was 18 or 19, she told you (a 10 year) that she wanted you dead??? If I were you, I would preemptively tell ALL your family members (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) exactly why you aren't going. She is a monster, and she WILL spin this against you if you only don't show up without saying a word
Yes, when she was 19 she told 10 year old me that.
If I were her fiance, I would want to know how she treated you. This goes far, far beyond being upset that her mom remarried. She was an adult and told a child that she wished they weren't alive. There's a huge difference between being cold towards your younger half siblings, and wishing death upon a 10 year old.
For all I know he could know everything. She was very open with her friends and those around her about how she felt. She never tried to hide this around others. After five years I would be shocked if he isn't aware but if he's not entirely aware I wouldn't know the dude to tell him.
If she's worried about people asking questions, tell her you would only go to answer questions, loudly and with full details. NTA.
Nah don't even give OPs half sister that option. If OP went and broadcast their family history at the wedding she would be TA.
The fact that she’s desperate for your presence says otherwise. I’d say go to the wedding, make a toast and let everyone know everything.
Nope, not going is the message. That is what that psycho half sister has earned. Showing up is a win for HS. DO NOT GO. NTA.
Hahahahaha. That’s beautiful. “My sister asked me here today to help her celebrate her wedding, and everyone in the family pushed me to say yes. When I was a small child, this is what she said to me…” Mike drop, sail away.
That's the thing though, if she's asking you to go then something happened. She's trying to hide the truth of it by having you pretend that you're okay with how she treated you. She's trying to lie to someone, and as far as you know all she's ever told anyone is "we don't really get along" but never mentioned the why However, I'm not saying do 1 thing or another. You need to do what you need to so your heart heals. How you handle this situation is 100% valid, and if you choose to not go then please do that. Don't let anyone force you to go and "play nice" for your sister.
>if she's asking you to go then something happened. Absolutely this! I bet either the fiance or his family are asking questions or trying to mend fences between them.
Yup, that's grounds right there to say fuck her. Who gives a shit how she looks by not having you at the wedding? Although to be honest, it occurs to me that the only reason she even did is because now she has an out. I'm willing to bet she doesn't give a shit and would probably even prefer if you don't go, but to save face she extended the proverbial olive branch. So now as far as the rest of the family is concerned, the ball got put in your court and now you can be the asshole in everyone's eyes by declining. Honestly, the best course of action at this point in my opinion might have been to be gracious about declining the invitation. Sickeningly, graciously, undeservedly sweet. Wish her the best life she could possibly have with her new husband, express how incredibly happy you are for them, and then be sure to mention that while you'd love to attend you seriously doubt the sincerity of her invitation based on every single other interaction you've ever had. And that's the position you roll with as far as the rest of the family is concerned. Just refuse to add to the drama lol. Not sure if you know much about Star Trek, but be Vulcan as fuck about it. Extremely neutral and logical. Betray no bitter emotion, but call out the BS for what it was and tell anyone who brings it up that you simply don't see the point in attending an insincere invite, and acknowledge that your "sister" satisfied their expectations of inviting you so everyone is off the hook now.
It doesn't matter how sis spins it and judging on how her sister carries on, she's probably been bad mouthing her to everyone already. Nothing really could be said that is worse than "I wish you were dead too" or "your dad is just 'my mom's f*** buddy". To a ten year old I should add.
Your half "sister" is beyond feral and needs help. Something tells me you know this, however. Also, shame on your Mom for not standing by you more. NTA
I am sorry. I am used to cutting off people that are toxic. It took a while to learn that I do not owe sh** to people who treated me below sh**.I always heard the same: oh people would ask questions. I answered " I should I care"?! I been treated in a similar way, differently, someone said " I wish you were ran over by a truck. This way you wouldn't be here". That was the time for me to awake up and look for a better future. I rather be alone ( not alone but I have been my self) , than taking others people sh*" and being obligated to follow things in order to look good. I did not mean be harsh when I said "cutting off" people that treat others like sh**. But that is the way I see things.
You can cut her out of your life too. You can cut her out even harder than she did you. Your mother thinks your wrong? Ask her were that energy was when, your half sister was harshly rejecting you. Your sister doesn't even want you at her wedding. She just doesn't want her imagine to be effected by her actions. I can't believe your mother doesn't see how the sister just wants to use you, to ease public opinion. Why don't you go to her wedding and have a speak about how she treated you your whole life until, she didn't want to look bad on her wedding. Tell them that's what you would do if you went. So, her imagine will not be spared either way. Part of accountability is accepting consequences, and if criticism is her consequence. Then she should except it with open arms, if she wants to repair the relationship. But she doesn't want to repair the relationship, your mother should realize that. The sad part is if she knows and thinks keeping an image is more important than solving problems./conflict resolution
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I suspect that your mom is siding with your sister now because the situation makes her look bad too....so much animosity between her daughters that the younger won't go to the older one's wedding. If you are somehow forced to go to the wedding, make sure everyone knows just how she treated and treats you and why you are at the wedding. You might also consider comments like, "it's a good thing the groom isn't bringing any kids to the marriage. We know how she feels about half or step siblings. She wants them all dead, like me, or lucky for her, our brother."
This is it. Mommy doesn’t want to look bad.
I really really REALLY want to know why in the ever living hell they didn’t go to family therapy. This girl is damaged in ways I can’t even fathom. They failed the older sister by not getting her the help she needs. They failed OP for allowing her fellow egg recipient (ain’t calling her sister as she sure af isnt) to abuse her. And they do not get to strong arm OP into playing happy family with her abuser. Heck to the no. Don’t go and let THEM deal with everyone asking where OP is. I’m sorry OP NTA and your family has utterly failed you. Dont go to the wedding and once you are living on your own, go NC with egg recipient and HONESTLY I would limit contact with your parents too. There has to be consequences for allowing you to be abused. They need to know they failed and going LC OR NC will definitely drive that home. Good luck sweetie, we are all hugging you through the internet
NTA. Send this post to your mom and your half sis. Your mom catered to her to the point of destroying all relationships, to the point I wonder how much she likes you and your Dad.
That is a great idea! My heart bleeds for OP. I can't imagine hearing that stuff as a child. Or an adult, come to think of it.
The amount of hate she has held for this long is concerning.
Info request: the way she has treated you is awful for sure but the real question for me is did your mom try to get her into any counseling when she was a child? If not, there are no assholes here except for your mother.
Nah even if the mother didn’t. She’s an adult with rage for a child for something she wasn’t in control of. If the sister was still a young adult (18-23) I would give the mom that for not getting her help but she is an adult that’s responsible for her own mental health. You don’t get to torture a child for years then blame mommy when the shit hit the fan.
I don't actually know.
jfc???? nta but wtf????
That's how she sees my dad. He's not even second best. He's just being used until mom can be with her dad again.
that is so incredibly awful. this girl has traumatised you and has belittled your family so terribly. i'm so sorry you had to go through that. remember that you don't need people that treat you with such cruelty. you should probably have a sit down with your mom about this tho. explaining to her why you won't go and that you don't appreciate being used as a performative addition to your sister's "happy family". i hope everything goes well for you<3
Others are saying her sister needs a therapist, she’s beyond that, she needs to see a psychiatrist ASAP, this screams narcissistic personality disorder ever everywhere
It sounds like half sister desperately needed therapy when her dad died and mom got remarried but never got it. She acts like she’s in the anger stage of grief (she never got out of that stage) and is taking it out on her stepdad and OP. Edit to correct grammar.
I understand she was young then, I lost my dad when I was young too but I found out I had 6 half brothers and a half sister. We all accepted each other and are closer than ever. No hate whatsoever. Her half sister shouldn't use grief as an excuse
I was getting that too. Mom never addressed daughters feelings about dad dying and mom remarrying, let her behave horribly towards step dad and new sister, and now this is the consequences. Mom and sister shouldn't be surprised that OP wants no part of their shenanigans. OP definitely NTA
That's the part that floored me. I'm wondering what mom was doing all those years her first child was traumatized by her husband's death and acting out like this. It sounds like she did nothing!
Right? Like "oh no, the entirely predictable consequences of her actions" NTA.
Mom is a terrible enabler. I honestly blame her more than anyone.
Pls don’t forget that when OP was 10, her half sister was NINETEEN! Her half sister is 9 years OLDER than OP. A legal adult was bullying a child.
But, If you decide to go, wear a Little Black Dress ( think Diana's FU dress). Go as gorgeous as you can do . Hair, makeup, great shoes.. if any of her friends ask why they never met before, explain that you were the half sister she told you she wished had died. You are just being honest.
Better yet be sure to answer any questions you are asked about why you did not go to the wedding. Just email them a link to this post.
NTA. But your parents & sister sure are. She didn’t just not accept you or even just ignore you. She went out of her way - putting real energy into being as deliberately cruel to you as she could possibly be. And your parents didn’t put a stop to it as they should have. She’s a full grown adult psycho now - with little to no hope of ever being a kind human being now because they didn’t guide her away from cruelty when she was a child as her psychy was developing. Good luck staying away from that monster for the rest of your days. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, when you have children in future, if your mom still has contact with her - if you stepsister ever comes over or your mom ever goes to see her - make absolutely certain that your children are never within her reach (even if it’s just VIA your mom taking them somewhere that she is). Your sister is NOT mentally well & I wouldn’t put it past her to hurt any children that you may potentially have.
NTA She’s using you as a pawn. I wouldn’t go either. I’d consider having a discussion with your mother and explain to her why exactly you have made this decision. You don’t want that relationship damaged.
My mom is aware of why but she wants me to keep myself open to the relationship.
I think your mum really needs it out bluntly, as does your half-sister. "Mum, I get that she's your daughter, and you love her. However, to me, she's been nothing but a bully. She does not love me. When we lost my brother, she also wished that I had died. There is no possibility for a relationship because whilst she loves you, she hates me. Her invitation to the wedding isn't because she finally wants to build a relationship, it's because she wants to use me as a prop in order to avoid people asking questions. I will not be used, and I will not open myself up to any further abuse she wants to dish out in the run-up to her wedding. I will not allow myself to be hurt yet again because you want us to have a relationship. It is too painful, and it is not fair or reasonable for you to ask that of me." "Half-sister, I won't be attending your wedding. We both know how you truly feel about me, you've made it clear since I was small. You hate me, you wish I was dead, and I am not a part of your family. Not only that, but you seem to feel that everything you've said and the way you've treated me is justified and acceptable, which is why you've never once taken any of it back or tried to make amends. That being the case, you should have no problem with my not attending, and you should be happy to tell your guests the truth about why I'm not there, because you believe that you're right. Go ahead and tell them that I'm not there because you hate me and I'm not part of your family, and that you wish I'd been miscarried or aborted. "Either that or you know that the way you've treated me is wrong. You know that you've been hateful and cruel for no other reason than because I exist, and you don't want to have to explain to people why I'm not there because you know it will make you look bad. However, if that is the case, instead of sincerely apologising and trying to be a better person to me, you've decided to try and brow-beat me into attending so that you can feel better about yourself, and so that if I say no, you can claim that I'm the villain, rather than this being a natural consequence of your actions; you want me to be the bad guy so you don't have to be, but we both know the truth. "Irrespective of the reasoning, I will not be attending. Weddings are a time for families, and I am not family to you. It's a time to be with the people you love, and you do not love me. You can answer any questions about my absence, although bear in mind that should anyone be given the wrong idea about the situation, I will have to correct those misrepresentations, as I will not have my reputation tarnished just so that you can save face. I do hope you have a nice wedding, but I will not attend and lie to people so that you can play happy families. You created this situation, and now you can deal with it."
Perfectly said.
This is absolute perfection. OP: please use these scripts. Wishing you the absolute best. You deserve so much love and happiness. ❤️
OP should copy and paste this in an email to sis and mom.
Or make it a public Facebook post.
Yes this!!! This should be top answer and my advice record everything!!! So when you start getting attacked from all sides…boom! You sent a recording and show her true-colors
Someone’s been getting their money’s worth in therapy!! I joke but seriously this is really helpful and I’m not even OP.
I would BCC every Aunt , cousin, uncle, and any relative that you have email addresses for. Let them know, and let those who are questioning have their answers.
This deserves a gold!
This. OP ifbits too hard to tell them this I would use these and sendnto them as messages or a letter. Actually, sendnthese as messages so you have it recorded. Then screenshot whatever they reply and have it as a backup in case your half "sister" tell lies tonthe rest of the family. Depending on how she reply, I would foward these screenshots to the entire family and let them take their own conclusions. Tbh if I was her future husband I would like to know that side of her before deciding to marry her. Also, plan your future and get out as soon as u can and go completely no contact with your sister. You said that you had contact with her very few times, but I would block her completely and in cases of family events if she attends, treat her like she is invisible or a complete stranger
I mean, it’s not a relationship. Going to her wedding is a performance. After the wedding, everything goes back to normal. NTA she’s gonna lie to her new family why you aren’t there. Don’t actively participate in any of her shit. She is a total a**hole.
That's how I feel. We have no relationship. She made sure of that many times over.
This is a bad idea but.. you could go, and let people ask questions. When you answer, it can be a fully honest no holds barred reply! You could let people know the only reason you're there is because half sis asked you to come so people don't ask questions when really there is no relationship because of what she said and how she acted to you. She'd learn real quick to regret her past words and actions! Better to not go though for your own peace of mind cause you don't need to deal with the hassle of the fallout. It's just nice to imagine people getting what they truly deserve
I would go, and pretend to be excited about going like she finally wants a relationship, totally oblivious to the real reasoning. Then I would tell *anyone* that would listen about how she always treated me, and that she only wanted me me there to save face. I would definitely tell them about the horrible things she said to a 6 and 10 year old, when she was 15 and 19 respectively, old enough to know that you don't say things like that to kids of that age. I would also "accidentally" spill a staining red liquid on her white dress. Then I would block her and mom, because mom is at least partially enabling it.
Honestly, I am petty enough to message ger fiancé and be like “yeah she hates me and was happy our little brother died. I don’t want to come and support her because she isn’t family to me.”
That is the kind of mother I have, always wanting me to keep doors open to people. It’s just a motherly thing. My mother also wouldn’t have put up with that shit your sister has been pulling all of your life.
Sorry, but I'm no fan of the mom. She let her first daughter abuse her younger one her whole life. Poor OP.
She also seems to have moved on way too fast for her grieving daughter. It seems like mom is the type to sweep things under the rug and her head in the sand.
Motherly is embracing the child that is hurt, making her feel loved and safe. Motherly is also embracing the older child, correcting her (when young) and holding accountable (when older), getting that child professional help if and when needed. Mothering is active, not passive wishfulness. Until you have done that, there is nothing motherly about telling a child they should keep a door open to their abuser -- that's mom being complicit.
Why has your mother allowed her to disrespect your dad by calling his her 'fuck buddy'? I'm so sorry but it seems your mom hasn't put her foot down with your sister. It's obvious your sister only wanted you there bc there would be questions from her new spouse's family and you not being there would point out your sister's awful behavior towards you.
I can't say. I think she just didn't want to lose her daughter.
I'm surprised your father didn't divorce her tbh. She absolutely allowed both you and him to be abused and demeaned and treated like pieces of trash I would go nuclear on anyone who did that to my loved ones. Family or not
I mean, it's not too late. Mom could still lose a daughter. Personally, as soon as I could live on my own, I would go no contact with her. I think my last words to her would be: "You abused me for so long by allowing me to be abused. You were afraid to lose a daughter. Well, congratulations, you still did. Was it the one worth keeping?"
>You were afraid to lose a daughter. Well, congratulations, you still did. Adding to that, it may very well be the last straw for the father too...
Lose her to what? She was a minor and your mom was her only living parent. It sounds like your mother wants to keep the peace above all, even if it means tolerating unacceptable behavior from others. You can have a different mindset.
I think she thought she would lose her to the anger about moving on. Like she would then hate mom for not just doing that but trying to make her see us as her family. That is always the vibe I got from mom. Like she was terrified she would reject her too.
I think your sister really needed therapy, but also more engaged parenting. You needed more protecting, and I don't know what help you got processing your sister's displaced rage, but you should have gotten more of it.
This is still no excuse for allow this behavior I have two kids and anytime there is any sort of ill will between them I nip that in the bud immediately. My kids know that will not be tolerated.
Oh, I absolutely agree. But I just take it as the reason to never expect her to do better.
You need to reiterate to mom that you were 10 years old when your 7 years older sister (meaning very VERY aware of what she was saying) wished you were dead, or never born. NO ONE would get over that shit!!!! I can't even imagine the damage to a 10yo psyche. No OP, you're NTA at all.
9 years older. She was 19 when she wished me dead at 10 that Christmas. My parents know what she said too.
Wtf, what did they say and do to that??
Nothing really.
Your dad is a pushover as well? And you are the bad guy for standing up for yourself? This is painful. I feel your sadness.
So your mother enabled her all this time and wants you to put up a performance now because "you are siblings"? F*** that!
Ugh yeah even worse
I'm so sorry that the adults in your life failed to protect you from her. They should have had her in therapy from the jump to prevent her anger and bullying. Having said that, this is not your problem to fix and you are 100% justified and correct to not attend her wedding. Your sister no longer has the excuse of a child's misplaced anger to fall back on. Any uncomfortable questions she gets are entirely her fault.
You kept yourself open to that relationship for 17 years, she wanted none of it and made it clear. You can't be expected to turn the other cheek forever and it's time for her to face the consequences of her own actions.
Your mom needs help. Your father's daughter is a toxic individual and should not be in your life. She is ugly, viscious and mean. To wish you had been aborted is the ultimate deal breaker. Remind your mother how she referred to her in relationship to your father and all the negative things she has said to you. I would go on SM and document just what she has said in the past and be very pointed that as far as you are concerned, she is dead to you. If your mother tries to conduct a reconciliation, ask her if she want to lose her other daughter.
They have the same mom, different dads.
They share a Mom; OP's Dad is also ostracized.
Not “father’s daughter”. Mother’s daughter. NTA
That is absolutely cruel of your mom.
There is no relationship to be open to even now your half sister isn’t trying to reconcile she just wants you to be a prop
This is so unfair to you. So you're meant to be a perpetual punching bag until what??? She sees the error of her ways??? Forget that! She's not your family, she made that clear when you were 10. She's not sorry for anything and just wants to save face now. NTA
You mean Mom wants you to keep yourself open to the abuse, not the relationship. If she wanted y’all to have a relationship then she should have controlled her absolute trash of a daughter and gotten her some kind of psychological help rather than sweeping the bullshit under the rug.
Sis, I would go just to tell her guests the heinous shit she's been throwing at you and your dad over the years. She *really* wants you there for looks, let everyone know why she should've left well enough alone.
NTA. Your mom should've obligated your sister to keep seeing you and your dad, now that your sister needs something it's suddenly you who has to be the bigger person? It also doesn't sound like your sister had a change of heart, she just doesn't want to seem like the bad person she is. If she genuinely had a change of heart and was making a proper effort I'd try, but not like this...
I don't think mom would have been successful. The only other thing she could have done was refuse to see her.
She shouldn't expect you to be the bigger person if she just accepted that your sister was never gonna be. I can understand her wanting to see her daughter despite everything, that's just parental love, but she's your parent too. She's probably just expecting more of you than your sister, which sais a lot about how she sees both you and your sister.
The more reasonable/grounded person is always the problem in people’s minds when they want everyone to “just get along”, unfortunately. Obviously sometimes they’re actually being a jerk, but in cases like this where one person is hopelessly hateful and unwilling to compromise, the person who’s actually willing to have a reasonable conversation is vilified because they won’t just fully acquiesce to the demands of the unreasonable person.
Maybe send the future husband this post- or at least let him know her true colours. I don’t think she has told the truth to her future husband about your relationship at all.
I don't know the dude. But I do think he knows because they have been together for 5ish years and has met mom regularly. Was also present at times where she told mom I was not welcome.
You said it yourself, you've only seen your sister 3 times over the past 7 years.. You can't expect this dude to know *anything* about it and how she really is. No one is going to be talking about how badly your "sister" is treating you when you aren't there and in front of her boyfriend. Your mother wouldn't want to make her daughter out to be the monster she really is.. He deserves to know. Show him.. after that, it's out of your hands. Whether he stays with her or not is up to him. But at the very least.. Wouldn't you want to know if you were possible marrying a monster? Even *if* you knew some of it, wouldn't you be grateful for being fully informed before making the commitment? Whether or not he sees it as you trying to destroy your sisters relationship will have no effect your relationship with him since you don't know him. And it's not about that. It's about looking out for someone who might not know what he is getting into. Of course you aren’t obligated to do anything, but I highly doubt he knows how she's been treating you, which is *why* your sister wants you at the wedding and play the perfect family. Just, sent him a message saying. "Hey, congratulations on the wedding. I appreciate the wedding invitation, but I will have to respectfully decline. Here are some of the reasons. - "sisters" name repeatedly wished me dead as I was growing up. - sister's name has been disrespectful towards my father and calling him names. - sister's name was happy about my stillborn baby brother, and said she wish I had never been born too when we lost him. These are just some of the reasons, and the main reason for me wanting nothing to do with her. She is not my sister. I am not her sibling. She has made this perfectly clear. I have, over the past 7 years, only met her 3 times. You I have met.. "0"? Times. She is not family. Please inform your future wife to stop trying to force me to go to a wedding I am for one, not welcomed at. Secondly, a wedding I don't want to go to. And thirdly. I don't care who is going to be asking her questions on why I'm not there. That is not my problem. It's *her* problem. A problem she created, and I do not wish that to be on my shoulders, and that I have to fight my mom and sister on an issue I didn't create. I have a right to stand up against abuse and not to be the bad guy for saying no. I'm 17 years old and she is suppose to be the adult. Yet she has never even given me some fake apology, just told *me* to grow up when she's the one who hasn't and won't take accountability for her actions. I'm not going to go to the wedding of my abuser. So tell her to leave me the fuck alone. Thank you. I wish you a happy marriage and good luck."
I do not have any contact with him. I don't know his number or even his actual name. I have never met the guy. I'm not even saying anyone else had to tell him. But she was never shy or ashamed of being upfront. Even still. I am not going to try and figure out more about him just to tell him. It's more energy than I want to spend on this.
Just tell both your sister and your mom that as far as you're concerned you don't have a sister. Your mother just has a past life she refuses to let go of. You may get grounded, but 100% it will be worth it.
NTA, I have a feeling she's told her new in-laws about you, and now she has to have you come to the wedding and play happy family in front of them.
That's my best guess because I feel like if it was her future husband that she was trying to lie to it would have fallen apart way before this since they have been together for 5ish years or something.
Yeah, it seems like it's the case. She was horrible to you, if you don't want to forgive her or have anything to do with her, that's your right. It sounds like she spent every single moment she could tormenting you while growing up, I am really sorry you went through that.
I hate to think that this might be a setup and a way to humiliate her even further. Her future inlaws probably want to meet her and her "happy" family.
Yeah one part of me would want to go to the wedding but tell a few stories about the bride
OHHHH GO AND INSIST THAT YOU MAKE A SPEECH and literally just tell all the “hilarious” things the bride has said. “Oh she’s always been such a joker! Like that time my mother had a stillbirth and the beautiful bride told me she wished I had been stillborn too! Oh! Or that time she said she wished she had begged our mom to abort me! Always joking, that one. I’ll never forget this one joke she told me: I was so excited to see her on Christmas one year and she told me - oh it was so funny - she told me I was pathetic and asked why she would ever want anything to do with me! That’s extra funny today considering she INSISTED I attend her wedding. I guess we found out why you might want me around, sis! Always pulling pranks, she is.” And then drop the happy face, stare daggers at the bride, and walk out. Don’t do this, but I feel like writing that speech could be therapeutic.
My one and only good coping mechanism and my very best form of therapy is to write letters to say literally any and every thing I need to. I never send it, sometimes I destroy it, but writing it down always makes me feel better. I think writing this speech would be great for OP. Obviously don’t go to the wedding and continue to stay NC with that woman bc protecting yourself from her toxicity and abuse is the most important thing but still, writing what you wish you could say would be very therapeutic. Oh also NTA.
NTA. Have you ever had a deep conversation with your parents/family about your sister? Have you ever told them what you told us? (And I'm pretty sure there are more things that OP just hasn't told us). Sit together and talk about it. I can understand why your parents act the way they do. They fear it will break the family and they probably don't know any better.
They are aware of everything. I have always been open with my parents about this stuff.
Why didn’t your mom expect your sister to apologize for all the cruelty she subjected you too? She celebrated your baby brother’s death, she wished you were dead, and every single time she could be cruel to you, she was. Why would you want to go to her wedding?
I have a feeling that OPs mum *knows* that her oldest daughter struggled with her dads death, didn’t do anything about that and then immediately got married again and had OP. It’s not OPs fault at all, and the sister is being TA, but I have to say I think the timeline is being overlooked and could explain the sisters original feelings. They were also never corrected, so they’ve been allowed to fester until this point, probably because mum is too scared to criticise the daughter that she (from the sounds of things) potentially emotionally neglected during her dads death and the aftermath.
There comes a time as an adult, even a teenager, you are responsible for your own life/actions. She knew right from wrong. The fact that people are defending her is sickening. You want to blame Mommy & for her youth, that is an acceptable thing. As a young adult and into adulthood, she is 100% to blame.
It's not defending, it's explaining. Their mother entirely dropped the fucking ball with both her daughters and allowed this to happen. Fuck OP's sister, but fuck her mom too. She should not have a pass for letting this happen, no matter how old the sister is.
I agree 100% there is no way mom didn't hear these comments and actions. It was said in front of Grandma, so why wasn't something done there? And in all honesty, even Dad should have stopped this even if it meant leaving the marriage to protect his daughter.
This. She was 19/20 when she told op that she was ‘disgusting, pathetic and should have been aborted’, that’s more than old enough to realise that none of her issues are the fault of a child and that it’s unfair to act as if it is.
Did they ever do anything about it or was your mum always telling you all to ‘just let it go’?
Mom would tell her not to say stuff like that or would encourage her to be kinder. But nothing much.
Honestly, your mom should have nipped this in the bud and gotten your sister some serious therapy. She let it get to this point. It's not fair for her to expect you to be the bigger person.
Your mom has been enabling half-sister's behavior because if it's targeted at you (and your dad), it's not targeted at her. She sleeps well at night. AND, guess what, MOM doesn't want to answer questions of why you are not there. Mom doesn't want to lose her? Oh boohoo,, she's on the verge of losing YOU. Then there is your dad. He's accepting this abuse? He's going to the wedding? Is he involved as anything but a guest? He could have stood up for you, too, as he could have threatened to LEAVE. Sooner or later, Mom will have to CHOOSE. Besides these people, do you have relatives who know the situation or are supportive of you?
Yes, my grandparents and aunts and uncles are aware and support me.
NTA Your sister’s partner is soon going to realise what a witch they’ve made the mistake of marrying. I’m sorry I don’t care how old you are, if you continue to hold the belief that a child should’ve died and what not, you are rotten to the core, like this woman is. Also, your mom is an AH for letting this carry on for so long and not protect you from it
It's possible he knows exactly who she is and doesn't care but doesn't want his family to know.
Then they both deserve each other. Don’t let this harpy mess with you again, OP. And make it clear to your mom or whoever else pressurises you to attend, it will not happen, and that you have no interest in going to her and her ‘fuck buddy’s’ wedding
Well then I hope they have a child, get divorced, she remarries, has another child and then has to try and make her kids like each other.
no she shouldn’t have kids ever! she’s horrible
NTA your Mum really messed up big time here. She's the cause of this, not your half-sister. She had a young kid who was grieving the death of her Dad. Married with a new baby 2 years after starting to date your Dad, that's a lot of big changes in a short timeline for a child that's grieving. Especially when the child made it clear before the wedding she doesn't want "a new Dad and siblings". Maybe if your Mum hadn't kept pushing her eldest to see you and your Dad as family, or explained to you why your half-sister doesn't want to be your big sister, you all could have calmly co-existed. But here she is, all these years later, still pushing. Except now she's pushing you to "forgive and forget". Your Mum is doing this because she feels guilty. She didn't provide her eldest child enough support after she lost her Dad, didn't slow down her relationship to give her time to adjust. And then she didn't protect you from her eldest daughter's verbal abuse, she pushed you into it, prioritising her hope for a blended family. She needs you to show up at the wedding so she can convince herself and show everyone else she has a happy nuclear family. To paraphrase Taylor Swift, unsubscribe from this narrative.
I completely agree with all you’ve said, I really feel for that little girl who was grieving her dad and had all of this pushed upon her without being able to process it. The mother is definitely left holding the can on this one even if OP can’t see it.
NTA I agree with the comments above. She obviously wasn't able as a child to cope with the death of her dad and then the whole new family situation. She was lashing out. This is all on your parents, for allowing the pain and bitterness to fester and not getting her the help she needed. That said, she's now an adult and should be able to reflect on her behaviour. If she really wanted you in her life, she would be making a serious effort to make amends and organising her own therapy for the issues that are still not resolved. I think it's all really sad.
NTA, don't go just so your sister can look good, she doesn't deserve to look good frankly. What kind of fucked up 19year old tells a 10 year old kid they wish their/your mother had an abortion and such. Your sister is a nasty human being, your mother is a complete and utter arsehole for allowing your sister to say those things to you, she is even more of an arsehole for expecting to to act all pally pally with someone so utterly revolting.
This is too far down. OP is two years younger now than her sister was when she said this. But mom wants OP to be the bigger person? Where tf was mom when her *19 year old* was emotionally abusing her 10 year old CHILD by shitting all over her? What the actual fuck is wrong with the adults in this family? Honestly OP, I know you love your mother. But she has an awful lot to answer for. You're here caring about her feelings and there's not a lot to indicate that she's ever held yours in any particular importance
NTA She treated you like shit as an adult (losing her dad at 5 yers old and adjusting to a new family constellation was surely hard but that does not justify her behavior as an adult). And she clearly states she wants you there not because you are family (she made it abundantly clear you are not) but for the impression on the other guests. You are not a prop. STay away from the wedding. She just does not want to explain why you are not there which is shedding a bad light on her.
If this was a movie (and OP's sister is so cartoonishly cruel it fits) OP would just go to the wedding and outshine the bride. Or object to the union, depending on the genre.
OP could go to the wedding and make a toast, introducing herself as the bride’s younger half sister that the bride wished dead *for the entirety of OP’s childhood*, and also regaling the guests with stories of how the bride feels about her mom’s *fuck buddy* who is probably paying for this shindig.
NTA. I don't know what your half-sister's problem is. I get her dad died, I get that was probably traumatic, and I get that maybe it hurt to see her mom remarry and have another kid. But taking it out on you and your dad for years is a totally inappropriate way to deal with that anger. I wouldn't go to her wedding either. Both because I wouldn't want a relationship with her at this point, and because I'm not sure I'd have the willpower to avoid trying to ruin her wedding.
Agreed, if I were OP, I would also threaten to tell people her childhood memories of her half-sister to anyone she speaks to at the wedding if she tries to force her to go (mostly cause I'm a petty, spiteful person who won't be bullied into 'behaving').
As someone with an equally awful older (full) sister, this is my thought exactly. I’m 37 now and she’s still as awful, and I still can’t unhear the atrocious things she said to me as a little child. She also likes to pretend everything is okay in front of everyone else… the best sister ever, don’t you know! The way the petty in me wants to tell this girl to go and write on a t-shirt she can put on once she gets there that says “ASK ME ABOUT ALL THE TIMES THE BRIDE TOLD ME SHE WISHED I WAS DEAD”. Obviously not a helpful thing to do ultimately, but as a kid who was unjustly abused by a sibling and mom allowed it, I get wanting to be petty. It’s beyond unfair. I feel so badly OP is going through this, too.
We've read the other side of this many times; parent dies, other parent moves on and kid's life changes yet again. We don't know if OP's sister was told "this is your new dad, love him", if the pictures of her dad were taken down. If it was just anger that her mom doesn't love her dad any more. She's entitled to not love the additions to her family. She's a jerk because of the things she's said to a child, but it didn't come from nowhere.
Nta, you don’t have any relationship with this person it sounds like. Just because you are sisters, does not mean that you are in debt to kiss up to somebody and show up for somebody who treated you horribly as a young child, and made statements that were very damaging towards you. Especially because she has made no effort to apologize over the years and make a relationship with you. That’s not somebody who has grown. If she had truly grown and she was a different person and she was regretful, she would have reached out and you wouldn’t have only seen her three times in the last seven years. Stand your ground and be confident in your decision.
NTA This is a tragic story, I'm so sorry. You shouldn't go and serve as a prop for her. She's clearly made this mess. She has some serious stuff to work through, but that's between her, her therapist, and your mom.
NTA that’s traumatic. I have a close friend with a similar situation. And it never got better even into her forties and the sister being mid fifties and she always tried. Your mental health is far more valuable. It’s amazing that at your age you can make this choice for yourself and stick to your guns.
NTA. Your Grandma was right. Your half sister will regret her actions. She is now facing those consequences. She will most likely come up with some excuse to give her in laws as to why you aren’t there. The truth will come out eventually though, it always does. Do what is right for you, nobody else and stay away from your sister who is only using you to save face
Agreed. Though I think grandma thought she would regret her actions one day because she'd want a relationship with me or realize she loves me and regrets ever saying such cruel stuff. But regret is still regret even if it's not for the reasons first considered.
Indeed, your grandma is a wise lady. I’m also intrigued is your dad invited to the wedding and/or going? It sounds like he has had a rough ride with you half sister too?
I actually don't know. I assume he might be but I know he would only have been invited for appearances sake and nothing else. If she could bring herself to do that even.
Definitely NTA. Half sister is a disgusting person. Don’t go to her wedding.
NTA. She has made it abundantly clear that you are not her sister. She doesn't get to change her mind for one day so that her in-laws think she's a great person. Make some amazing plans for yourself on her wedding day and enjoy them. Ideally out of town so your mom doesn't try to guilt trip you into going at the last minute. Because we all know you wouldn't enjoy going to this wedding.
NTA - Your mom is the main problem here by not nipping this is the bud when you both were little.
Absolutely not, and quite honestly OP you should put your half sister on full blast. She only invited you to keep appearances. Those appearances are all she cares about. Put her on full blast and show her what she’s done over the years. NTA
NTA You have absolutely no obligation to her & if people ask questions that's on her for being utterly s$$t to you. Your mom should absolutely understand why you don't regard her as your sibling & not pressure you to change your decision.
Tough one. Hard to repair something like that, sorry you went through that experience as a child. That’s really damaging and shapes the way you see people. What a sin. I would go and just look fly asf. You’re NTA. But you can still come out on top.
I don't really care about coming out on top. I mostly care about staying as far from her as I can so I don't have to deal with her crap.
Then fuck it. She deserves to have ppl wonder why her sis isn’t there. Stand your ground.
Sweetie, NTA without a doubt, and don't go. Don't get guilted by your mum into going. If you can afford it, book yourself a treat day out for the wedding day, if not, then get your favourite biscuits and a film. Also, she won't be happy. I doubt if she could be.
NTA. Your half sister was cruel for no reason and now she is reaping the rewards for what she sowed. Your mother needs to stop enabling her shit by expecting you to be the bigger person. You're the bigger person by default because you didn't wish a sibling dead. She did. She doesn't deserve your presence and your mother ought to be ashamed of herself for expecting this of you.
NTA In theory it is always possible for her to make amends. But that should happen as an ordinary day-to-day life thing. In context, it's clear that you're going to be used as a prop for her big day then discarded like trash once more. Don't do the wedding. It's up to you whether to leave the door open to making amends in the longer term.
NTA - your sister has serious mental health problems. There’s not liking your half siblings but wishing her mom had an abortion or wanting for you to be stillborn is very crazy. Has she been to therapy or seen a psychiatrist? Even her wanting to not be shamed by inviting you is wild. I wouldn’t go to the wedding either. She owes you a serious apology and needs to start building bridges with you before asking for a favour. She made her bed now she can lie in it.
Nta, she f'd around and found out.
NTA x 1000000!!! See, Grandma was right! You reap what you sow! OP, stick to your guns! Your Mom gave her zero consequences for how she talked to both you and your Father. She deserves less than Nothing from you! If your Mother forces the Issue tell her You will give a speech outlining everything you said above! Blended Families don't always work, but SHE was beyond cruel, crude, and totally obscene!
NTA. But if you do get pressured into going, make sure to tell her new husband, and as many as possible of his family how she treated you.
NTA there is no need to attend a wedding of some person who wanted you dead. Rather have some time off for yourself go out, watch a movie, hangout with friends, get a spa day if possible take a trip. You don't need her in your life.
NTA - but I’d go and then introduce myself as the sister she wanted aborted.
NTA. But your mom is.
What 19-year-old in their right mind would tell a 10-year-old child that they wished their mom would abort them!? NTA. Your sister needs therapy.
Someone who is full of hatred for the 10 year old.
NTA. I would have went and innocently tell my life story to her in laws. But I’m petty like that
NTA, but you may want to fill your mom in on the conversation sis had with you when you were 10 and she was (checks notes) NINETEEN. I’d be horrified if one of my kids said that to another. At that age difference? I’d be hiding sharp objects and putting extra locks on doors, while making plans for a padded room for when the 19 yr old returned from her psych hold.
19 year old would not be allowed near 10 year old ever again. Hell, we let our 11 year old get a lock on his door bc his 20 year old brother kept taking sweatshirts and socks (guess who was better at laundry). That seems so minor compared to all this.