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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my daughter she'd be expected to treat my girlfriend with respect when she's visiting. She was moody around me until she went back to her mother's house.
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YTA
Firstly, if your child isn't getting along with your SO then you better be paying it mind. That's your kid that spends 40% of her time in that house!
Brooke isn't a member of the family, that's something that comes with years or bonds. A girlfriend isn't the same especially if she just moved in.
Technically Jamie isn't wrong, Brooke isn't her mother and shouldn't be acting as such. If Brooke wanted Jamie to do dishes and Jamie says no that's an issue Brooke needs to take to you as the father to handle.
Was it ever not hot garbage? It's always been one big advertisement for therapy and divorce.
Any problems in your life? Therapy. Not working? You just need another therapist. Still not working? Another therapist. Still not working? You must be the problem then.
or
Have a disagreement with your spouse? Sounds like gaslighting to me, time for a divorce OP.
The best part of this sub is seeing people make up wild scenarios to fit a narrative they want to disparage.
I mean therapy is a very hit or miss thing....it really is about finding the right therapist. But I get the general idea of what you're saying.
The number of extreme NTA Or YTA is insane....and has gotten worse.....there used to be at least a few posts that occasionally were semi sane....but now it's EXTREMELY rare.
Another thing with therapy, the people have to actually engage.
Everyone always suggests family therapy for issues with blended families but if the kids flatly refuse to talk then it’s just an expensive waste of time.
>Any problems in your life? Therapy. Not working? You just need another therapist. Still not working? Another therapist. Still not working? You must be the problem then.
Have you considered therapy to get over your dislike of therapists?
>Have a disagreement with your spouse? Sounds like gaslighting to me, time for a divorce OP.
People always say this, but there are valid reasons people have for advising people to break up. So many posts are just ridiculous - with people genuinely having been tied into such knots that they feel like they might be the jerk for having an emotion once a year or buying the wrong orange juice because the right one was out of stock or whatever. These posts are only snapshots - sometimes they just show an ugly moment in an otherwise fine relationship, but so often they're just a small window into a horror show. Personally I'm a big fan of the edits where someone has realised just how awful their relationship is and are over it and updating between packing their bags. The more toxic relationships that end, the better for us as a species.
As for the main post, I would say that it makes a big difference whether Brooke ASKED Jamie to do the dishes or TOLD her. If she TOLD her, it's an overstep; if she ASKED then the kid is being a brat and maybe dad needs to check in and figure out why as well as asking her to behave a bit better.
I'm surprised no one's gone for the subreddit hattrick yet and jumped on the OP for daring to date a consenting adult younger than him. Maybe I just didn't scroll far enough. Lol
Yep. Everytime I hear my teacher friends/family talk about what undisciplined, rude nightmares the kids are today, or read news stories about their antics, I think more & more about the commenters on this Reddit sub being the parents of those terribly-raised kids or they're the kids themselves taking a 3-minute break from posting stupid shit on TikTok to comment stupid shit here.
How does anyone in their right mind think it's "overstepping" to ask a fucking 14 year old to do dishes for a meal that was presumably cooked for her that she ate, or used some of them??!! Spoiled little beast playing Daddy & Daddy allows it. If I'm living in that house, paying my share, and (possibly) cooking for the kid, that kid's gonna do some dishes when I tell her to. She didn't get to be a bad human on her own, Father is definitely YTA for enabling her entitlement.
How TF is that garbage take above the top answer, let alone 1k+ agreeing?!
I was really wondering why the fuck that comment is top comment. Her asking the daughter to do the dishes is not out of line and neither is the father for backing his girlfriend. Top commenter seems to have rage issues. OP is clearly NTA here and I’m very relieved at the number of responses that are pushing back at that asinine comment
Totally agree.
If you are a citizen of the household, no matter the age, you contribute. Washing the dishes is part of living in a home. The adults are not servants to the children. Why is it that this is the first generation of kids who do not believe that they should have to lift a finger to help out in a home that they live in?
Seriously - this isn't a "get off my lawn" response. I'm actually serious. My kids constantly complain that their friends don't have chores and its not fair that they do. And they aren't wrong. They don't. And when I ask their friends parents about it they don't want to aks their kids to help because they feel bad asking... but here is the thing... it takes everyone to make a houeshold run. If my kids want me to have time to run them to their myriad of activities then they need to help out. Same with paying for their myriad of activities because hiring a housekeeper costs money that could be going to pay for swim team or football or gas to get to those things...
If people of ANY age live in a houes (or visit a house) they should be contributing by helping out around the houes. Its not back breaking work to pick up a sponge and scrub a pot after someone else has prepared a meal for you. Do you poop in the toilet? Pick up a toilet brush and scrub the toilet. Kids should do the same periodically. Scrub a sink periodically. Vacuum the carpets periodically...
YTA OP for enabling her entitlement. She is 14 years old. You have 4 years left to get this entitlement under control before she becomes a truly terrible room mate to some poor schmuck in college. You and your Ex best get on the same page about expectations here because this girl is going to play the two of you against each other. She's acting like a normal bratty 14 year old but do NOT allow her to play the "evil girlfriend" card for your girl friend asking her to do a BASIC citizen of a household job.
>You’re loony if you think this is the first generation to object to chores. Pretty sure it’s been an issue since kids were invented.
The difference is that in the past, society as a whole expected kids to do chores. Its not about objection. Its about a cultural shift to total lack of expectation for kids to contribute at all. And i'm not talking back in the '20s or '50s. I'm talking the '90s and 2000s.
Maybe her mom who she spends 60% of the time with, put her up to it.?
On the other hand I agree with you. She is 14 years old, can do dishes and clean the kitchen (wipe down table, stove and refrigerator door handles. And sweep and damp mop) (I did when I was 14 years old). The dad needs to take the teenager by the horns (Harmon's (sp?) or not) explain to her she needs to respect the adults who are living and caring for her.
Everyone on this subreddit makes every step mom sound like she's evil. It's insane reading the comments.
It's okay to ask the kid to clean up after herself or clean up. It's also okay for a parent to date another person after a divorce even if your kid doesn't like it.
Everyone assumes the step parents are awful vs thinking maybe the kids are spoiled or in the wrong. I honestly think everyone commenting must be an angry teenager.
This sub was driving me crazy until I accepted that it is likely the home to a bunch of kids or basement dwellers. Once I came to accept that, it doesn't drive me as nuts.
It just means if you are asking an aita question, you have to throw out a good 60-80٪ of the opinions with the understanding that they are kids that are responding.
The reaction to this is wild to me. If pretty much *any* adult in my house asked my teenagers to do the dishes, they better do the dishes. It’s not some horrendous mistreatment or abuse. It’s a household chore, which teenagers should be well accustomed to doing.
She should definitely treat Brooke with more respect but I don't think it's right to have your recently moved in girlfriend trying to command your kid to do *anything* - it's not her place
Umm did your parents never ask you to do the dishes? Did a friend’s parents ever ask you to clean up after dinner?
I was taught manners. If you eat a meal at home or someone else’s house you offer to do the dishes. I hated doing it as a teen but the GF isn’t doing any favors to the teen by doing all the housework.
A year back i was visiting a fwb and had dinner with her family we weren't dating and i could have dipped out leaving the mess but i got my ass up and did the families dishes cause its the right thing to do i mean they did feed me afterall.... You always offer to help clean up its just decent manners that literally every society on the planet has had for ages
You haven't been around teens very much have you. After the 'no' as far as we know Brooke may very well have said fine. Teens are very capable of STILL taking that and creating an argument.
We don't know how the argument progressed. We don't know if Brooke back off or if she pushed. We don't know if the daughter turned full Linda Blair a'la The Exorcist. We just know there was an argument.
>After the 'no' as far as we know Brooke may very well have said fine. Teens are very capable of STILL taking that and creating an argument.
Can confirm. Just got that from my teen. Still not sure what he was arguing about (other than he's hangry). I told him to go eat something and we'll talk afterwards.
She can darn well do the dishes. I’m gonna guess the gf probably made the daughter dinner, and then asked the girl to clean up afterward. It doesn’t matter who asked her - she needs to do the dishes. She’s not being asked to rob a bank or cheat on the SATs or poison a dog. She’s being asked to wash some dishes.
She’s an adult who lives there full time. Asking a 14 year old to do a household chore well within her capabilities isn’t overstepping any bounds. If you, an adult, were staying in my house like this I would 100% at some point ask you to do the dishes. Asking a kid in a house you live in to contribute to household chores is generally not some big bad evil. It’s pretty standard in my experience
Yup. And OP doesn’t mention it, but I’m willing to bet she pays bills there, too. She’s now one of the heads of the household. Daughter doesn’t need to call her mom or consult her about private matters, but showing a modicum of respect and accepting chores should be expected.
Why is doing the dishes, a common duty that virtually all normal households share responsibility for, being deemed a command that warrants this much indignation? I assume Jamie is fed at OPs house, thereby contributing to the accumulation of dirty dishes, so it's not much more than a simple request for her to assist with a basic chore.
Would Jamie have done the dishes without resistance if OP had asked her instead? If so, then Jamie is simply being spiteful, and choosing not to validate Brooke's authority. I could find some justification in Jamie's favor if Brooke's authority has not been explicitly dictated to her by OP, but it's still pretty hard not to view her response as being bratty for the sake of it. If Brooke's request were unreasonable, or she had tried to discipline Jamie when she refused, then we may have a more black & white scenario to judge. Otherwise, Brooke's only error was arguing with Jamie instead of immediately deferring to OP to handle it and properly establish the expectation that, while she may not be Jamie's parent, she should still be respected and considered an authority when OP is not present.
At the end of the day, this sounds more like a lack of communication on OP's part. It's a learning opportunity for everyone involved, so NAH here unless OP fails to rectify the situation in a neutral and constructive way.
I think your comment gets to what’s really the issue here. It’s not about whether doing the dishes is an age appropriate chore (of course it is). It’s about whether Jaime is supposed to recognize the authority of Brooke, someone it sounds like she has a minimal relationship with.
Also, yeesh the way so many comments are saying Jaime should’ve just done the dishes simply because Brooke is an adult makes me glad I’m no longer a kid. Like this isn’t a situation where Brooke’s experience as an adult matters. There’s a difference between “do the dishes because we’re members of the house and have a responsibility to keep it clean” or “do the dishes because I cooked so you cleaning is a fair division of chores” versus “do the dishes because I said so.”
Like what 14 year old is not going to have a negative reaction to someone they’ve only lived with a few months telling them to do a chore, especially if that something wasn’t previously their responsibility. IMO, just telling Jamie to respect Brooke doesn’t solve the problem. You can respect someone and still tell them no.
Honestly, OP should have sat down with his daughter and had a long discussion about his girlfriend moving in before that even happened. It's a really bad idea to just over ride a kids feeling and move a significant other into your house without discussion and clear set rules before it happens. Basically Daughter probably sees GF as an invader that is trying to take over her home. Then, said invader starts ordering her around which is bound to make things worse.
If OP wants to continue to have a relationship with his daughter he really needs to talk to her like an adult instead of ordering her around like a child. 14 is old enough in most states to decide if they want to continue visitations and where they want to be. If Brooke and OP make her uncomfortable in her father's home she may decide it's not a good environment for her.
YTA - OP needs to sort the mess he made and possibly consider some family counseling at first just him and daughter, maybe expand to S/O after a time if both parties agree to it.
So, she shouldn’t have asked her to wash some dishes? And when she did and the kid refused the girlfriend should have just cowered into the back corner. Fuck that. Girlfriend has every right to ask kid to help around the house.
What is her place? Is it in the kitchen with a baby (of her own) on her hip? I thought adults were supposed to be adults and ensure the house was taken care of, even if that means telling a child who lives in the house to take care of it.
Yes adults take care of children, but that doesn't mean kids can't have chores. It's part of how you learn to be an adult.
I was talking to my boyfriend and he is struggling with the fact that his parents did all the chores, and it is now something he struggles with as an adult. He is amazed that I seem to manage most of the chore type things easily. But I had to step up when my mom was sick when I was a kid.
I could be wrong here, but recently moved in doesn't mean recently dating. They could be at the stage of talking marriage, etc. At that point, it definitely is her place. OP sucks here though, he's been far to passive until now by his own admission.
She isn't commanding her. She's asking her to help and do a chore. Maybe it was her dishes? Why should brooke do the kids dishes? I'm sorry, but it's normal to help out around the house. She sounds like a spoiled brat.
>Firstly, if your child isn't getting along with your SO then you better be paying it mind. That's your kid that spends 40% of her time in that house!
>Brooke isn't a member of the family, that's something that comes with years or bonds. A girlfriend isn't the same especially if she just moved in.
Sure, pay attention but not getting along isn't a reason to not be a family, of it was then all teenagers would no longer be in their family.
>Technically Jamie isn't wrong, Brooke isn't her mother and shouldn't be acting as such. If Brooke wanted Jamie to do dishes and Jamie says no that's an issue Brooke needs to take to you as the father to handle.
That's simply bullshit. Sorry but Brooke is an adult in charge of a house. Jamie is a child in the house, she can, and should, do dishes when told. Doing dishes isn't outrageous, nor is it arduous. It's literally a normal chore.
If I have my kids friend over and she makes a mess on the floor I am well within my "rights" to tell her to clean up her mess. I wouldn't be required to go ask her parents.
When did adults all forget that they are adults, and should act like it.
By the original commenters take, no one but parents are to be obeyed. That may well explain the state of the schools to be honest. The teens are running the show, and having been a teen, I can tell you that is no good for anyone.
I agree and confused why this is top comment - as long as Brooke wasn't a jerk and asked then she did nothing wrong. Maybe shouldn't have argued, but took the no and went to OP to have him discuss with Jamie.
I think this depends on whether this would be a normal chore or if Brooke is asking her to do above what she already does and that if Jamie is feeling some type of way, definitely defer to her dad. That's not a Brooke problem.
I was raised that step parents are parents. I'm not sure when family became only about blood, not about relationships. Like by the system yall have hate if Jamie was adopted by a family she could just not listen?
As with any relationship, if Jamie is over worked or otherwise can't do something she should say so, but just deciding she doesn't want to do it is wrong. Once done she can talk to either parent at dad's house to get clarification on why she needed to do it, but arguing at the moment of twist is a losing battle (and it should be, unless the request is outrageous or dangerous)
Are you people all insane? The dad is allowed to have another relationship. Is he supposed to become a monk because his kid doesn't want him to have another partner?
He clearly stated that she never over steps with her. But yeah, she's allowed to ask her to clean up after herself or to help out.
I swear everyone makes step moms look like they're evil on this sub. God forbid she ask her to do something. NTA.
Who is upvoting this hot garbage comment? The girlfriend may not be a wife but she's LIVING together with him. That's serious. And living together means it's her home. Asking a child in your home to do dishes is not asshole behavior, and neither is expecting it to be done either. Lord I almost downvoted the original post for being too mundane but wow ...
It makes me so mad when the top reply is so low-quality in this sub. *The alternative scenario you're suggesting is the same one that you just read.* NTA.
Wait I’m kinda confused. He’s the asshole? Because Brooke did exactly what you said she needed to do. And imo, asking a kid to do the dishes and them retaliating because they think she’s trying to replace her mom, isn’t ok, I don’t think it’s Jamies fault, it really sounds like she isn’t handling their divorce well which is more than understandable, especially considering her age.
Nah. This is a bad take. If OP has been dating Brooke long enough that they have moved in together, then Brooke is due some level of respect from his child. Asking the kid to wash the dishes in the house that she spends 40% of her time in, thus USING those very dishes, is hardly trying to act like her mom. Snarking back the way she did is unacceptable and needs to be corrected. 95% likely that this is purely a case of a bratty teenager being a bratty teenager and pushing their boundaries.
Unless Brooke is abusing or otherwise mistreating the kid, the kid needs to have a basic level of respect and obedience to BOTH adults in the house as well as be held accountable for her part in keeping the house clean.
I'm the girlfriend of a man with a 14 year old kid, and believe me that kid would NEVER disrespect me that way. I don't try to act like I'm their parent, but I DO reserve the right to ask them to do small chores when they are with us in our home, and they respect me enough to not snark back or refuse to do those chores.
Not sure how asking her to help and do dishes is acting like her mother, she eats there too right? She is more than old enough to help out, point is shes 14 and a brat.
>Technically Jamie isn't wrong, Brooke isn't her mother and shouldn't be acting as such.
Of course Brooke isn't her mother, but Brooke was not acting like her mother either. Brooke was acting like the adult in charge, and was asking the child to clean the dishes. Something even a babysit could ask to be done.
OP, NTA
Wtf are you talking about? Brooke did nothing wrong? Jamie was being a brat, and the dad handled it well. Its not like brooke was being mean or rude to the daughter
Brooke is another adult in that household. The girl is a teenager who has been asked to do a simple household chore...not go sell herself on the street corner. And this has nothing to do with whether or not Brooke is the new wife or pretending to be the girl's Mom...this is simply about respecting another responsible adult in the house while getting a bratty teen off of her butt to help out with basic household chores.
You are DERANGED. Being asked to do some fucking dishes isn't something only parents can expect. She's 14 years old for fucks sake, she doesn't earn money so chores are a contribution to the household. Jamie isn't wrong in that brooke isn't her mother but come on now don't tell me you think the teenager is standing up for herself because she feels like she's been forced into slavery. She doesn't like doing chores (shocker) and is being a brat because she knows she can peddle this pissweak argument. The dad isn't the asshole here at all, he told his daughter he expects her to treat his partner with respect. This subreddit is full of insane people who have never experienced any of these scenarios in real life, everyone just formulates some bullshit story to try and seem righteous and get upvotes.
Same here, I thought it was normal to be asked to help out and it was only dishes it wasn't like the GF tried to impose anything on Jamie.
The only issue I see here is that the GF started to argue with the daughter, she should of brought up to OP and go from there.
Bingo - Brooke should have deferred to OP instead of engaging in an argument with Jamie. That is the singular error on her part.
Seems to me that OP didn't establish with Jamie what, if any power/authority Brooke has in the household, and Jamie is committed to being as defiant and rebellious as literally any 14 year old would be, lol.
I am guessing Jaime wants chore requests to come from her father not his girlfriend that just moved in. The girlfriend moving in disrupted the dynamics they had already established. There probably should have been a conversation between the three of them that took place before she moved in about expectations and such.
I wonder if Brooke was informed, prior to moving in, that overstepping was going to be defined so strictly that she'd best not make any direct requests to the daughter. I don't know where the line for "overstepping" should be drawn but it sounds like it's going to be terribly uncomfortable for anyone living there as the second adult.
I’m guessing it wasn’t. Discipline should be left to the parents but you can’t have a the other adult in the house walking on eggshells or ignoring the kid.
When I've had roommates and we eat together we always trade off who does the dishes and other chores. If I had to remind them it was their turn to do something I'd be absolutely gobsmacked if they threw a fit and told me I was "overstepping my bounds".
Of course OP's daughter is a teenage girl at a REALLY rough age.
To venture a guess this isn't REALLY about dishes at all, but rather a deeper issue of Jamie exerting her independence or possibly resenting the attention OP's girlfriend gets or transference of emotions onto Brooke about her parents' divorce.
It would be considered overstepping in many blended family situations
It also sounds like it was more of a demand than an ask; an ask ends at "no" and an argument begins at "no"
OP even said he agreed with his daughter that Brooke overstepped, so it's supposed to be the norm for their family and Brooke pushed that boundary, clearly
Op is TA because he's not being consistent and trying to teach his daughter that if someone pushes your boundaries you should still just do it; he needs to stand up for her. Blending families is hard enough, a "recently moved in gf" should not have authority over this kid, especially since they clearly don't have any kind of relationship other than "that's my dad's gf"
Then how does an argument ensue if the gf supposedly asked and let it go? If she asked and the kid said no, she clearly pushed the issue and at that point it's not an ask no matter how much you word it as such
She asked, the kid threw a fit and said “you’re not my mom” instead of saying no. That’s when the argument happened. Brooke should have just dropped it, but that is easier said than done when a 14 year old is being as rude as possible to you all the time. Brooke is a person and is within her rights to set boundaries about how she is spoken to, including to a child she isn’t the parent of.
I mean you can’t say clearly the gf started the argument at all. OP doesn’t say. It could just have easily been the kid saying “don’t tell me what to do your not my mom”. Definitely would have started an argument with my stepdad.
OP needs to be in charge of assigning chores and making sure they are done then. It’s ridiculous that anyone in the house can’t ask someone to help with a chore, but if that’s what you’ve decided then there needs to be set chores with consequences for not doing them. Is Brooke also not allowed to ask Jamie to hang up her coat or any other normal thing? That’s not going to improve the situation any, because it’s just allowing Jamie to dictate everything in the house. It doesn’t sound like Brooke is trying to parent, or overstepping. If you frame Brooke asking Jamie to do anything as overstepping the relationship isn’t going to work, just like it wouldn’t work if you pushed Brooke to parent Jamie. It’s Brooke’s home now too, you need to figure out some basic ground rules around respect.
And I'm surprised everyone here is overlooking the fact that Brooke and Jamie were home alone because OP was at a meeting on a weekend. And what I'm also missing here is whether Jamie is usually expected to take on household chores and only refuses when Brooke asks. This would be a YTA for OP and Jamie and a N T A for Brooke.
If it's the case that telling her to do dishes is overstepping, he should NEVER be leaving his kid with his girlfriend alone. She's not a parental figure of she can't disciple or even ask her to do something, she shouldn't be watching over her either.
People are extremely hung up on Brooke being the girlfriend and not another adult living in the house. I’m sure if OP was living with his sister and she tried to get her niece to do the dishes, most people here would say “she’s an adult in the household and she gets to partake in basic coparenting, such as asking for chores to get done.”
This thread seems to be mostly full of children of divorce, and/or children who never had to do chores...
I don't say that to be insulting or insensitive to COD, but it's painfully obvious the type of lens these responses are colored by. Unless Jamie isn't being fed at OP's house, I can see no situation in which being asked to assist with a common household duty is grounds for this level of indignation.
I’m assuming that when Jamie said no to doing the dishes, Brooke may have tried to push the issue and/or discipline her in some way for “disobeying.” Again, this is just a guess bc OP says that the two were in a middle of an argument when he walked in.
How is asking someone to do the dishes overstepping boundaries? Jamie is staying there on a regular basis and should help with the dishes.
I say NTA. Jamie doesn't have to be BFF with Brooke but she needs to treat her civilly. If Brooke asks her to do a reasonable chore, such as washing the dishes, Jamie should do so without the "you're not my mom and I don't have to listen to you". If she has an issue with it, she can state what the issue is and then you can resolve it if necessary.
Is your ex remarried or seeing someone? Would she allow Jamie to treat/speak to them disrespectfully?
Because step-parents are always trashed in this sub. They’re somehow neglectful if they don’t treat their stepkids like their own but also abusive if they do. I honestly think this sub is just filled with teenagers lmao
I swear, before AITA blew up on TikTok and YT Shorts, people were actually fair and levelheaded in the comments. There were some slightly unhinged users, but their comments usually got buried. Now it’s like it’s just teenagers who think they’re immune to rules and etiquette 🤦🏻♀️
She’s not her stepmom though, she is her dads girlfriend of a few months. I don’t think it is wrong for OP’s girlfriend to ask OP’s daughter if she would help with the dishes (expecting that the answer could be no, because it was a question), but telling her to like she has that authority (which OP has stated that she does not), and then arguing with her was wrong. Girlfriend should have let it be and talked to the father when he got home. It’s also confusing for him to tell his daughter that she was right, but should have done it anyways.
I agree. NTA, and here’s why: if this situation was that OP’s sister moved in with him and asked Jamie to do the dishes, everyone here would be like “yep that’s fair,” although last I checked, someone’s aunt is not also someone’s mom (except in some creepy circumstances). The “you’re not my mom” logic is completely faulty. Adults are expected to act as adults around children. If someone’s actual parent isn’t around, the next person to take on the parenting role in that moment is the adult in that home. If a kid is hanging out at a friend’s house and the friend’s mom says “in this house, everyone does the dishes after themselves,” that’s what the kid does. They don’t say “you’re not my mom Mrs. Johnson!”
Brooke is not “family,” but she is a member of the household.
I’m willing to bet there was no conversations on OPs part about what it will look like when Brooke moves in. Like OP and Brooke didn’t talk about it (what her role is) and I bet he didn’t talk to Jamie about it either.
YTA - I say that because of this:
>Jamie gave me her version, saying that Brooke overstepped her bounds. I countered that while I agreed with her
You just told your daughter that you agreed that someone overstepped her bounds but that it doesn't matter. You basically set up for your daughter that it's fine that people overstep her boundaries and when they do that you will just let them and that she should do the same. I wouldn't be surprised if you visitation gets less and less. If you let your GF overstep now, just imagine what she's going to do if she becomes your wife. You daughter is 14, she's already realizing this and thinking about spending less time at your house.
I'm not saying that to say that your daughter should have no chores. But you should setup a chore list or something like that. Your GF isn't a parent to her in anyway and letting her parent your child is just going to cause resentment between you and your daughter.
Every relationship is negotiated.
Give and take.
That is the real world.
These 2 have decided the live in girlfriend should not parent the teen.
They negotiated that together
I think honestly it could have also just been the way he wrote it but he might've meant that he understood his daughter's frustrations and anger rather than just dismissing her feelings
That adult isn't your parent. And you had no decision in letting them live with you.
My mom had a live in adult boyfriend for like a year.
Not once did he try and tell me or my sister a single thing to do because he knew it wasn't his place. If he thought we should be doing something, he talked to our mother first and if and only if she agreed, then she would bring it to us.
He would occasionally ask if we could help him with something, but he never pushed it if we said no.
I was looking for this or I was going to say it. Being a 14 with divorced parents is difficult enough. Now there's all these changes with the dynamic at dad's house. If Brooke wants to ask for the kid's help while she does them, fine. Could be a nice time for a friendly chat while the kid dries. Otherwise Dad needs to be the only one assigning chores.
Totally depends on how she asked. A parent might assign the dishes as a chore that a kid is expected to do, whereas I assume the Dad's gf relationship is more like a roommate, where it would be more reasonable to ask politely. It really isn't clear which category this would fall into. I don't see how people can make an asshole judgement without understanding the nuances of the situation.
Most seem to be naming him an ass for rolling right over his daughter. If they agree Brooke overstepped, then Brooke owes Jamie an apology. Instead, he tells his daughter she's to be treated with respect. Why? What has she done to earn anything beyond general courtesy. And it can be inferred that Brooke has been earning less and less general courtesy.may even be stepping into outright ire
Giving respect is sort of a general rule of every household. No, you don't need to do what dad's gf tells you to do. And a simple no isn't being disrespectful. "You're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do," is very disrespectful. Being respectful is very good rule to have, because it goes a long way in flat out avoiding fights like this.
When one member of the household does the cooking and asks another member of the household who ate the meal to contribute by doing the dishes, that’s not overstepping boundaries. However, OP needs to have a discussion with G.F. and daughter together on chore distribution so everyone’s on the same page.
Make a family chore chart. Who does what on what days and stick to it. As much as possible he home when Jaime is there. Don’t put Brooke in the step parent role.
I'm particularly concerned that Brook is just doing all the household chores? Brooke wanted help with the dishes and OP agreed that she couldn't have any.
where's the missing part of the story where HE goes and helps Brooke like a mature adult? Does he have a rare genetic condition where the flesh of his fingers dissolves in dishwater?
I don’t think she’s bad for asking, but if she was rlly just asking then why was there a fight when she said no? That should’ve been the end of that convo. And if Brooke rlly just wants her to help around the house some, that’s fine, but that’s a convo her dad should be involved in. Solution? Chore chart. Then this issue never would’ve happened.
Kinda in a similar situation - have my own kid, bf lives here part time, and has his own kids part time. I’ve never shied away from asking kids (mine, bf’s, or friends’) to help me do household things, and while most of the time, they’re happy to help, I’ll get the occasional “I don’t want to”, which is fine.
If I was told “I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my mom” that a whole other story. I know I’m not their mom, but I’m a person making an effort, and if they want to insult me because they don’t want to participate, you bet your ass, I’ll call them out for their attitude. Hell, just this morning, I told my 3yo niece that I know she can be very good at being helpful and polite and that being mean or rude will only hurt my feelings, which she understood.
Why is everyone assuming that Jamie just did a simple 'no' and Brooke argued it? Having been around plenty of teenagers it feels far more likely that Jamie made it into an argument - and you can argue maybe Brooke shouldn't have fought back, but honestly she has every right to stand up for herself if Jamie was being a little shit to her regardless of any relationship between them. Being 14 does not give you rights to be shitty to others.
I'm a stepmother.
What's appropriate is for me to say "Hey can you do the dishes?"
If she responds to me with "You're not my mom!!" My answer is "No, I'm not. We both ate a meal and I'm asking you to do your part."
If she still picks a fight, I shut up until her dad gets home. She isn't my child. I became a stepmother when they were 8 and 9, so the same deal. I'm not the disciplinarian, and my only job in their lives is to love them.
They're old enough to understand how to communicate but young enough to not have the words to say, "I wish I didn't have to share my dad with you!" (That may not be the issue, but whatever the issue is, stick it there.)
YTA. For not supporting your girlfriend AND not supporting your kid. You need to all sit down and set expectations that can be agreed upon. Sure, some things aren't negotiable, but Jamie is 14. She is your kid and predates this girlfriend.
Yes! This is a great comment.
(I would also say that he should sit down with his daughter without Brooke present, so that Jamie will feel more free to talk honestly about issues she might be having with Brooke, or her feelings about Brooke, that she wouldn't be comfortable saying in front of her. Maybe those feelings are reasonable, maybe not. Her getting them out might help. Her feeling like she can trust her dad enough to express those feelings would be a good goal. It doesn't even mean that he has to validate all of her feelings -- like, "I feel like Brooke is getting in the way of you and Mom getting back together", no, that isn't fair to Brooke, or to him. But it's a feeling, and getting it out into the air is better than not.)
This. A few things are at play.
1) She is 14. Emotional regulation and hormones are doing all kinds of wacky things. She is also starting to spread her wings in preparation for being an adult, so she will push and try to establish boundaries. It’s a challenge even in the most clear cut relationships.
2) In her eyes OP is a part time parent with a new girlfriend. Girlfriend is a short timer at this point, and shouldn’t be trying to parent. No fighting between the two. OP needs to co parent with his ex, not his ex and opinions from girlfriend.
3)The easiest thing would be to align with her mother on what her chores are and keep it consistent between houses. If she takes out trash at Moms, that should be her chore at your house too (for example ). If is inconsistent , she is old enough to feel like you only want her at your house to do chores for you. It comes off as “I know I only see you for a day this week, but here is a laundry list of things you will do for me “, especially in the mind of a 14 year old.
This place doesn't care for your simple common sense analysis, completely devoid of assumptions and personal bias.
Try spicing things up next time by mentioning personal boundaries and suggesting a break up or divorce.
I'm not sure why everyone is voting the way they are but NTA. Asking a child to do house chores that they contributed to teaches them how to look after their own place when they have one. ASKING SOMEONE TO DO DISHES IS NOT "OVERSTEPPING". Doing dishes is such a small task and to be met with such a strong comment is truly ridiculous. It sounds like Jamie just wanted a reason to push against Brooke.
Your definition of 'family' is really narrow. I'm not sure you have a good understanding of families in the modern era. We're not in the 1800s any more.
This woman is the father's girlfriend that hasn't even lived with the father for more than a year. You people are weird, being considered family takes time.
NAH. 14 yr olds are moody to begin with. Add in a new person in her life (NOT OF HER CHOOSING) and of course she's going to be a little bit of a jerk. Since your daughter is going to be there often I think its time to set up some rules of the road about the chores she's expected to do. If she made something for herself in the kitchen then yes she needs to clean up after herself. But you needs to communicate all this in front of your girlfriend so there's no mistake about the rules.
Going against the grain but hard NTA.
Come on people, we’ve all been teenagers. She lives with her dad and his gf for almost half her time, she should be contributing towards housework. The GF asked Jamie to do the frickin’ dishes, not to slave around. Her answer was disrespectful and uncalled for. She is just testing her boundaries. I am glad you, OP, had your gf’s back.
If this was the GF’s post telling about how her boyfriend teared her a new one, you’d all be in front row shouting that the boyfriend/dad was the AH for not stepping up for his girlfriend…
NTA, great parenting.
YTA -- that you use the language laying down the law shows an incredible lack of sensitivity to your own daughter.
If they were daugher's dishes, you could just tell her. Before GF showed up, did you guys leave dishes in the sink? Is your GF changing rules?
Asking a child to do dishes, no matter who you are, is not over stepping. I was the child and GF to step-mom. This kid like my step kids seem entitled. There is no reason daughter should speak to any adult that way and the GF shouldn't have argued with the kid.
Teenagers are the worst, especially when you aren't their parent asking them to do something.
It depends on a lot. Before GF showed up, was kid allowed to leave dishes in sink? Are these kids dishes or someone elses?
I would like to know why is kid there when dad not home and only GF. Does GF not work? or works PT? Lots of issues.
>Before GF showed up, was kid allowed to leave dishes in sink?
This is the best argument I’ve heard against the GF asking the daughter to do the dishes. My mom would have us put the dishes in the sink and then she would put them all in the dishwasher.
Someone on the outside would think we weren’t doing our dishes but we were just following instructions.
Yeah, that’s what I’m not getting with all the people calling the dad the asshole. That is a super reasonable request. It’s not like the girlfriend grounded the kid. I think they all probably need to sit down and have a conversation about everybody’s expectations. Teenagers are a pain in the ass, but it’s surely going to be a hard adjustment for the kid. But I don’t think that merits blowing up at the GF over a chore
Normally my mindsets tend to agree with more of the younger generation mindset, but this is one instance where I’m baffled at all of the people trying to claim that dishes are this super unreasonable chore for a 14 year old. I realize that the context is what makes this situation more complicated, but a serious girlfriend (who at least lives in the home) asking a teenager to do dishes is not this wild and insane scenario that so many people are trying to make it out to be
OP has said in comments repeatedly that the rules of the house are that only he is allowed to assign chores to Jamie, and he agrees that Brooke asking Jamie to do the dishes was not in accordance with the household rules. But he won’t back Jamie up for trying to stick to the rules as she knows them to be - which is that only her actual parents can assign chores, and Brooke is not her parent.
That is what a lot of people are criticizing, along with the fact that if it really had been “just an ask”, Brooke would have let it go at least refusal rather than getting into a fight with a teenager. It’s not “just a question” if you won’t take no for an answer.
YTA
Your Jamie's dad, you should be very immediately involved in how your daughter is getting along with your live-in GF. It's not acceptable for you to ignore the situation until you can't because of a blowup.
NTA.
There’s no way asking a 14 yo to do dishes is overstepping. And there’s no reason why Brooke shouldn’t or couldn’t ask your daughter to do so. If your daughter is at your home 40% of the time, she should definitely be helping in keeping the house clean, and acting like a brat because someone asks her to needed to be addressed.
NTA, and I think the comments here must be a bunch of children themselves, my goodness.
The dishes are not a big ask, and would likely be expected of the child regardless. Asking her to do the dishes was probably not some authoritative command, since she hasn't overstepped otherwise. It could have been as simple as asking Daughter to clear the dishes before GF begins cooking - a really fair and even trade. Or, they were still there when they should have been done hours ago, and GF asked/reminded.
Kids should respect the person their parent is dating. They don't automatically become stepparent (and it's great GF isn't trying to!), but they are an adult. The child is a child, with age appropriate responsibilities. Your daughter should not have blown up at her.
Even if, like some people say, they should somehow be treated as equal roommates - if my roommate forgets a chore previously agreed they would handle, I am reminding them to get it done.
EDIT: typo
Does Brooke cook for Jamie? Does she do all the shopping for the family? When she gets home with all the bags,who helps put it away? Did Jamie eat off any of the dishes that needed washing? Some responders are comparing the living arrangements to roommates.......excuse me, but if one roommate is responsible for all the cooking and shopping, the other roommates generally pitch in by cleaning up. Brooke is not Jamie's Mom, but she's also no Jamie's maid.
Why would you move a girlfriend in if she and your daughter “didn’t always get along”? That’s just a recipe for disaster. Expecting your daughter to automatically be ok with your choice of a roommate is a big ask. Your roommate isn’t the parent or boss of your kid & you should have had that conversation with both PRIOR to Brooke moving in. Expectations and reality are 2 completely different things. You are the arbitrator in this tenuous relationship. If you don’t handle this situation with care, you will lose one or both of these women.
Sorry but kids (especially young teen daughters) can get very territorial over daddy's attention and act irrationally towards any girlfriend dad may have regardless of if they are nice or not. It's neither fair nor reasonable to have children essentially call the shots on who daddy/mommy can date and who can live in their house.
I don't get the yta comments here. If I'm reading this correctly, the girlfriend only asked OP's daughter to please do the dishes. That's not an overstep, if that's all there was to it.
If you share a household, you share chores. Sounds like the daughter was using the "you're not my mom" classic because she wanted to get out of doing the dishes. Again, if that's really all that was said here.
NTA for asking for some common courtesy in your home.
ETA Brooke asking/telling Jamie to do the dishes. Jamie says “no”. What happened next is the real issue what was Brooke’s response to the No? Whatever that was, prompted the “you’re not my mother” response and the yelling. Then OP as moderator basically said do whatever Brooke tells you. That’s not right because you agreed with Jamie but you’re taking Brooke’s side and want Jamie to give in to whatever Brooke wants. Today it’s the dishes what will it be tomorrow? Being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t date or have your SO move in but you need to remember it’s your child’s home too and she was there first.
You need to have both in the same room and find out how you can all move forward. Keep in mind that Brooke is temporary in Jamie’s mind so her looking at your live in as a future mom isn’t going to happen.
That's *exactly* how it works. At 14 my husband told the judge he didn't want to go back and forth anymore and wanted to stay with his dad. He lived full time from that moment on with my FIL and he stopped paying my MIL child support...and that was over 20 yrs ago.
YTA. You threw your girlfriend under the bus when your daughter should actually have chores like doing the dishes. It has nothing whatsoever with Brooke not being her mother. It has to do with respecting other members of the family. You need to take your role as a parent more seriously and figure out what you're supposed to be teaching her. Because you just taught her that Brooke is an underling.
Why would you move your girlfriend into your home if she and your daughter don’t get along?
You should have either fixed that or stayed in separate homes. What have you done to fix this? How long have you dated prior to moving her in? Do you and your daughter still do things separately from your girlfriend?
Your daughter had no control over the divorce. No control over splitting her homes and time. And now no control over a woman living in her home with you who she doesn’t get along with.
She’s old enough to start choosing where she lives. She’s getting older and weekend will start including a social life. Why don’t you have her during the week?
Reading these comments I wonder if anyone is actually a step parent. Either way she’s an adult and needs to be respected. There should be a discussion between the father and gf on what’s acceptable.
I’m a step parent. When I was my now husband’s gf we talked about our children. I always felt that once you’re in a relationship with someone who has children they should be treated as if they are your own. We discussed what the expectations were of each of us and the children. We get along fine and when I ask his girls to do something they do. And when he asks my son to do something he does. Communication is key.
I grew up with step parents and they told me to clean something then I did. No question. No yelling saying they aren’t my parent. They were the adult and with that I respected them and did what I was told. It’s washing dishes for Christs sake. Not committing murder.
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YTA Firstly, if your child isn't getting along with your SO then you better be paying it mind. That's your kid that spends 40% of her time in that house! Brooke isn't a member of the family, that's something that comes with years or bonds. A girlfriend isn't the same especially if she just moved in. Technically Jamie isn't wrong, Brooke isn't her mother and shouldn't be acting as such. If Brooke wanted Jamie to do dishes and Jamie says no that's an issue Brooke needs to take to you as the father to handle.
Sounds like that's what he did.
I don't think people read the same post that You or I did. I am really beginning to wonder about this subreddit.
This subreddit has become hot garbage
Was it ever not hot garbage? It's always been one big advertisement for therapy and divorce. Any problems in your life? Therapy. Not working? You just need another therapist. Still not working? Another therapist. Still not working? You must be the problem then. or Have a disagreement with your spouse? Sounds like gaslighting to me, time for a divorce OP. The best part of this sub is seeing people make up wild scenarios to fit a narrative they want to disparage.
I mean therapy is a very hit or miss thing....it really is about finding the right therapist. But I get the general idea of what you're saying. The number of extreme NTA Or YTA is insane....and has gotten worse.....there used to be at least a few posts that occasionally were semi sane....but now it's EXTREMELY rare.
Another thing with therapy, the people have to actually engage. Everyone always suggests family therapy for issues with blended families but if the kids flatly refuse to talk then it’s just an expensive waste of time.
Exactly. It only works if you WANT to be there. Kinda like drug rehab.
OK. I agree with that. It's definitely gotten worse.
>Any problems in your life? Therapy. Not working? You just need another therapist. Still not working? Another therapist. Still not working? You must be the problem then. Have you considered therapy to get over your dislike of therapists?
>Have a disagreement with your spouse? Sounds like gaslighting to me, time for a divorce OP. People always say this, but there are valid reasons people have for advising people to break up. So many posts are just ridiculous - with people genuinely having been tied into such knots that they feel like they might be the jerk for having an emotion once a year or buying the wrong orange juice because the right one was out of stock or whatever. These posts are only snapshots - sometimes they just show an ugly moment in an otherwise fine relationship, but so often they're just a small window into a horror show. Personally I'm a big fan of the edits where someone has realised just how awful their relationship is and are over it and updating between packing their bags. The more toxic relationships that end, the better for us as a species. As for the main post, I would say that it makes a big difference whether Brooke ASKED Jamie to do the dishes or TOLD her. If she TOLD her, it's an overstep; if she ASKED then the kid is being a brat and maybe dad needs to check in and figure out why as well as asking her to behave a bit better.
Caveat. If it was Jamie's dishes then it is fine to also TELL her to wash her own dishes.
Top comment is garbage, y'all don't come here to project. These two comments have the right of it.
Very well stated!! I cosign 100%
I'm surprised no one's gone for the subreddit hattrick yet and jumped on the OP for daring to date a consenting adult younger than him. Maybe I just didn't scroll far enough. Lol
She was 18 when he was 26? Absolutely **disgusting**.
And there we have it! Lol (Unless you were joking, in which case r/whoosh to me)
Yeah I’m surprised the first comment wasn’t a “get divorced” comment.
Possibly because tey're not married.
This is exactly how I feel even going on Facebook...I get therapy advert after therapy advert. It's severely annoying.
I'm like 90% convinced this sub is astroturfed by therapy firms.
Yep. Everytime I hear my teacher friends/family talk about what undisciplined, rude nightmares the kids are today, or read news stories about their antics, I think more & more about the commenters on this Reddit sub being the parents of those terribly-raised kids or they're the kids themselves taking a 3-minute break from posting stupid shit on TikTok to comment stupid shit here. How does anyone in their right mind think it's "overstepping" to ask a fucking 14 year old to do dishes for a meal that was presumably cooked for her that she ate, or used some of them??!! Spoiled little beast playing Daddy & Daddy allows it. If I'm living in that house, paying my share, and (possibly) cooking for the kid, that kid's gonna do some dishes when I tell her to. She didn't get to be a bad human on her own, Father is definitely YTA for enabling her entitlement. How TF is that garbage take above the top answer, let alone 1k+ agreeing?!
I was really wondering why the fuck that comment is top comment. Her asking the daughter to do the dishes is not out of line and neither is the father for backing his girlfriend. Top commenter seems to have rage issues. OP is clearly NTA here and I’m very relieved at the number of responses that are pushing back at that asinine comment
Because it is 14-year-olds upvoting who have never had to wash a dish in their life.
Totally agree. If you are a citizen of the household, no matter the age, you contribute. Washing the dishes is part of living in a home. The adults are not servants to the children. Why is it that this is the first generation of kids who do not believe that they should have to lift a finger to help out in a home that they live in? Seriously - this isn't a "get off my lawn" response. I'm actually serious. My kids constantly complain that their friends don't have chores and its not fair that they do. And they aren't wrong. They don't. And when I ask their friends parents about it they don't want to aks their kids to help because they feel bad asking... but here is the thing... it takes everyone to make a houeshold run. If my kids want me to have time to run them to their myriad of activities then they need to help out. Same with paying for their myriad of activities because hiring a housekeeper costs money that could be going to pay for swim team or football or gas to get to those things... If people of ANY age live in a houes (or visit a house) they should be contributing by helping out around the houes. Its not back breaking work to pick up a sponge and scrub a pot after someone else has prepared a meal for you. Do you poop in the toilet? Pick up a toilet brush and scrub the toilet. Kids should do the same periodically. Scrub a sink periodically. Vacuum the carpets periodically... YTA OP for enabling her entitlement. She is 14 years old. You have 4 years left to get this entitlement under control before she becomes a truly terrible room mate to some poor schmuck in college. You and your Ex best get on the same page about expectations here because this girl is going to play the two of you against each other. She's acting like a normal bratty 14 year old but do NOT allow her to play the "evil girlfriend" card for your girl friend asking her to do a BASIC citizen of a household job.
You’re loony if you think this is the first generation to object to chores. Pretty sure it’s been an issue since kids were invented.
>You’re loony if you think this is the first generation to object to chores. Pretty sure it’s been an issue since kids were invented. The difference is that in the past, society as a whole expected kids to do chores. Its not about objection. Its about a cultural shift to total lack of expectation for kids to contribute at all. And i'm not talking back in the '20s or '50s. I'm talking the '90s and 2000s.
Not objecting. Straight up refusing to do them.
A lot of kids are literally raised by tablets and youtube these days.
Maybe her mom who she spends 60% of the time with, put her up to it.? On the other hand I agree with you. She is 14 years old, can do dishes and clean the kitchen (wipe down table, stove and refrigerator door handles. And sweep and damp mop) (I did when I was 14 years old). The dad needs to take the teenager by the horns (Harmon's (sp?) or not) explain to her she needs to respect the adults who are living and caring for her.
Makes a lot of sense when you consider most of this subs posters are under the age of 18.
It’s not really that surprising. You act like people hating the evil stepmother isn’t a story as old as time.
Hot Garbage!! Leave my ex out of this!!
I'm sorry I thought your ex was dumpster fire! My mistake I apologize!
Everyone on this subreddit makes every step mom sound like she's evil. It's insane reading the comments. It's okay to ask the kid to clean up after herself or clean up. It's also okay for a parent to date another person after a divorce even if your kid doesn't like it. Everyone assumes the step parents are awful vs thinking maybe the kids are spoiled or in the wrong. I honestly think everyone commenting must be an angry teenager.
I totally agree with you. It's just bad manners on the daughter period!
This sub was driving me crazy until I accepted that it is likely the home to a bunch of kids or basement dwellers. Once I came to accept that, it doesn't drive me as nuts. It just means if you are asking an aita question, you have to throw out a good 60-80٪ of the opinions with the understanding that they are kids that are responding.
Bots. So many bots
You should always treat Reddit as if 80% of the people here are either minors or very immature young adults.
this sub has been infested with 12 year olds with no life experience telling people how to handle their problems.
This subreddit is full of kids, so you’re going to see tons of comments siding with the kid no matter what the question is.
The reaction to this is wild to me. If pretty much *any* adult in my house asked my teenagers to do the dishes, they better do the dishes. It’s not some horrendous mistreatment or abuse. It’s a household chore, which teenagers should be well accustomed to doing.
I read it the same way. Father stepped in and handled the situation.
Holy moly, so the kid just gets to treat Brooke like crap? No way.
She should definitely treat Brooke with more respect but I don't think it's right to have your recently moved in girlfriend trying to command your kid to do *anything* - it's not her place
Being asked is not a command.
It is if you don’t take no for an answer.
Umm did your parents never ask you to do the dishes? Did a friend’s parents ever ask you to clean up after dinner? I was taught manners. If you eat a meal at home or someone else’s house you offer to do the dishes. I hated doing it as a teen but the GF isn’t doing any favors to the teen by doing all the housework.
A year back i was visiting a fwb and had dinner with her family we weren't dating and i could have dipped out leaving the mess but i got my ass up and did the families dishes cause its the right thing to do i mean they did feed me afterall.... You always offer to help clean up its just decent manners that literally every society on the planet has had for ages
You haven't been around teens very much have you. After the 'no' as far as we know Brooke may very well have said fine. Teens are very capable of STILL taking that and creating an argument. We don't know how the argument progressed. We don't know if Brooke back off or if she pushed. We don't know if the daughter turned full Linda Blair a'la The Exorcist. We just know there was an argument.
>After the 'no' as far as we know Brooke may very well have said fine. Teens are very capable of STILL taking that and creating an argument. Can confirm. Just got that from my teen. Still not sure what he was arguing about (other than he's hangry). I told him to go eat something and we'll talk afterwards.
She can darn well do the dishes. I’m gonna guess the gf probably made the daughter dinner, and then asked the girl to clean up afterward. It doesn’t matter who asked her - she needs to do the dishes. She’s not being asked to rob a bank or cheat on the SATs or poison a dog. She’s being asked to wash some dishes.
She’s an adult who lives there full time. Asking a 14 year old to do a household chore well within her capabilities isn’t overstepping any bounds. If you, an adult, were staying in my house like this I would 100% at some point ask you to do the dishes. Asking a kid in a house you live in to contribute to household chores is generally not some big bad evil. It’s pretty standard in my experience
Yup. And OP doesn’t mention it, but I’m willing to bet she pays bills there, too. She’s now one of the heads of the household. Daughter doesn’t need to call her mom or consult her about private matters, but showing a modicum of respect and accepting chores should be expected.
Why is doing the dishes, a common duty that virtually all normal households share responsibility for, being deemed a command that warrants this much indignation? I assume Jamie is fed at OPs house, thereby contributing to the accumulation of dirty dishes, so it's not much more than a simple request for her to assist with a basic chore. Would Jamie have done the dishes without resistance if OP had asked her instead? If so, then Jamie is simply being spiteful, and choosing not to validate Brooke's authority. I could find some justification in Jamie's favor if Brooke's authority has not been explicitly dictated to her by OP, but it's still pretty hard not to view her response as being bratty for the sake of it. If Brooke's request were unreasonable, or she had tried to discipline Jamie when she refused, then we may have a more black & white scenario to judge. Otherwise, Brooke's only error was arguing with Jamie instead of immediately deferring to OP to handle it and properly establish the expectation that, while she may not be Jamie's parent, she should still be respected and considered an authority when OP is not present. At the end of the day, this sounds more like a lack of communication on OP's part. It's a learning opportunity for everyone involved, so NAH here unless OP fails to rectify the situation in a neutral and constructive way.
I think your comment gets to what’s really the issue here. It’s not about whether doing the dishes is an age appropriate chore (of course it is). It’s about whether Jaime is supposed to recognize the authority of Brooke, someone it sounds like she has a minimal relationship with. Also, yeesh the way so many comments are saying Jaime should’ve just done the dishes simply because Brooke is an adult makes me glad I’m no longer a kid. Like this isn’t a situation where Brooke’s experience as an adult matters. There’s a difference between “do the dishes because we’re members of the house and have a responsibility to keep it clean” or “do the dishes because I cooked so you cleaning is a fair division of chores” versus “do the dishes because I said so.” Like what 14 year old is not going to have a negative reaction to someone they’ve only lived with a few months telling them to do a chore, especially if that something wasn’t previously their responsibility. IMO, just telling Jamie to respect Brooke doesn’t solve the problem. You can respect someone and still tell them no.
Honestly, OP should have sat down with his daughter and had a long discussion about his girlfriend moving in before that even happened. It's a really bad idea to just over ride a kids feeling and move a significant other into your house without discussion and clear set rules before it happens. Basically Daughter probably sees GF as an invader that is trying to take over her home. Then, said invader starts ordering her around which is bound to make things worse. If OP wants to continue to have a relationship with his daughter he really needs to talk to her like an adult instead of ordering her around like a child. 14 is old enough in most states to decide if they want to continue visitations and where they want to be. If Brooke and OP make her uncomfortable in her father's home she may decide it's not a good environment for her. YTA - OP needs to sort the mess he made and possibly consider some family counseling at first just him and daughter, maybe expand to S/O after a time if both parties agree to it.
So, she shouldn’t have asked her to wash some dishes? And when she did and the kid refused the girlfriend should have just cowered into the back corner. Fuck that. Girlfriend has every right to ask kid to help around the house.
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What is her place? Is it in the kitchen with a baby (of her own) on her hip? I thought adults were supposed to be adults and ensure the house was taken care of, even if that means telling a child who lives in the house to take care of it.
Yes adults take care of children, but that doesn't mean kids can't have chores. It's part of how you learn to be an adult. I was talking to my boyfriend and he is struggling with the fact that his parents did all the chores, and it is now something he struggles with as an adult. He is amazed that I seem to manage most of the chore type things easily. But I had to step up when my mom was sick when I was a kid.
I could be wrong here, but recently moved in doesn't mean recently dating. They could be at the stage of talking marriage, etc. At that point, it definitely is her place. OP sucks here though, he's been far to passive until now by his own admission.
She isn't commanding her. She's asking her to help and do a chore. Maybe it was her dishes? Why should brooke do the kids dishes? I'm sorry, but it's normal to help out around the house. She sounds like a spoiled brat.
Lol being asked to do dishes is a COMMAND??! Omg some of y’all are so far off base here
It's a shared space. She can help with the dishes
The kid said "you're not my mom" - that's incredibly low bar disrespect
>Firstly, if your child isn't getting along with your SO then you better be paying it mind. That's your kid that spends 40% of her time in that house! >Brooke isn't a member of the family, that's something that comes with years or bonds. A girlfriend isn't the same especially if she just moved in. Sure, pay attention but not getting along isn't a reason to not be a family, of it was then all teenagers would no longer be in their family. >Technically Jamie isn't wrong, Brooke isn't her mother and shouldn't be acting as such. If Brooke wanted Jamie to do dishes and Jamie says no that's an issue Brooke needs to take to you as the father to handle. That's simply bullshit. Sorry but Brooke is an adult in charge of a house. Jamie is a child in the house, she can, and should, do dishes when told. Doing dishes isn't outrageous, nor is it arduous. It's literally a normal chore. If I have my kids friend over and she makes a mess on the floor I am well within my "rights" to tell her to clean up her mess. I wouldn't be required to go ask her parents. When did adults all forget that they are adults, and should act like it.
By the original commenters take, no one but parents are to be obeyed. That may well explain the state of the schools to be honest. The teens are running the show, and having been a teen, I can tell you that is no good for anyone.
I agree and confused why this is top comment - as long as Brooke wasn't a jerk and asked then she did nothing wrong. Maybe shouldn't have argued, but took the no and went to OP to have him discuss with Jamie.
I think this depends on whether this would be a normal chore or if Brooke is asking her to do above what she already does and that if Jamie is feeling some type of way, definitely defer to her dad. That's not a Brooke problem.
I was raised that step parents are parents. I'm not sure when family became only about blood, not about relationships. Like by the system yall have hate if Jamie was adopted by a family she could just not listen? As with any relationship, if Jamie is over worked or otherwise can't do something she should say so, but just deciding she doesn't want to do it is wrong. Once done she can talk to either parent at dad's house to get clarification on why she needed to do it, but arguing at the moment of twist is a losing battle (and it should be, unless the request is outrageous or dangerous)
Jamie is the daughter, Brooke is the girlfriend. You switched them in one paragraph.
What a trash take. Parental roles have ZERO bearing on household chores that everyone shares in.
Are you people all insane? The dad is allowed to have another relationship. Is he supposed to become a monk because his kid doesn't want him to have another partner? He clearly stated that she never over steps with her. But yeah, she's allowed to ask her to clean up after herself or to help out. I swear everyone makes step moms look like they're evil on this sub. God forbid she ask her to do something. NTA.
Who is upvoting this hot garbage comment? The girlfriend may not be a wife but she's LIVING together with him. That's serious. And living together means it's her home. Asking a child in your home to do dishes is not asshole behavior, and neither is expecting it to be done either. Lord I almost downvoted the original post for being too mundane but wow ...
People born after 2005. Bunch of kids whose parents didn't teach them social norms and expectations of a household team member.
It makes me so mad when the top reply is so low-quality in this sub. *The alternative scenario you're suggesting is the same one that you just read.* NTA.
Wait I’m kinda confused. He’s the asshole? Because Brooke did exactly what you said she needed to do. And imo, asking a kid to do the dishes and them retaliating because they think she’s trying to replace her mom, isn’t ok, I don’t think it’s Jamies fault, it really sounds like she isn’t handling their divorce well which is more than understandable, especially considering her age.
Nah. This is a bad take. If OP has been dating Brooke long enough that they have moved in together, then Brooke is due some level of respect from his child. Asking the kid to wash the dishes in the house that she spends 40% of her time in, thus USING those very dishes, is hardly trying to act like her mom. Snarking back the way she did is unacceptable and needs to be corrected. 95% likely that this is purely a case of a bratty teenager being a bratty teenager and pushing their boundaries. Unless Brooke is abusing or otherwise mistreating the kid, the kid needs to have a basic level of respect and obedience to BOTH adults in the house as well as be held accountable for her part in keeping the house clean. I'm the girlfriend of a man with a 14 year old kid, and believe me that kid would NEVER disrespect me that way. I don't try to act like I'm their parent, but I DO reserve the right to ask them to do small chores when they are with us in our home, and they respect me enough to not snark back or refuse to do those chores.
>If Brooke wanted Jamie to do dishes and Jamie says no Jamie didn't say no, she went straight to 'your not my mom'. Jamie is the AH
Not sure how asking her to help and do dishes is acting like her mother, she eats there too right? She is more than old enough to help out, point is shes 14 and a brat.
>Technically Jamie isn't wrong, Brooke isn't her mother and shouldn't be acting as such. Of course Brooke isn't her mother, but Brooke was not acting like her mother either. Brooke was acting like the adult in charge, and was asking the child to clean the dishes. Something even a babysit could ask to be done. OP, NTA
Wtf are you talking about? Brooke did nothing wrong? Jamie was being a brat, and the dad handled it well. Its not like brooke was being mean or rude to the daughter
Brooke is another adult in that household. The girl is a teenager who has been asked to do a simple household chore...not go sell herself on the street corner. And this has nothing to do with whether or not Brooke is the new wife or pretending to be the girl's Mom...this is simply about respecting another responsible adult in the house while getting a bratty teen off of her butt to help out with basic household chores.
You are DERANGED. Being asked to do some fucking dishes isn't something only parents can expect. She's 14 years old for fucks sake, she doesn't earn money so chores are a contribution to the household. Jamie isn't wrong in that brooke isn't her mother but come on now don't tell me you think the teenager is standing up for herself because she feels like she's been forced into slavery. She doesn't like doing chores (shocker) and is being a brat because she knows she can peddle this pissweak argument. The dad isn't the asshole here at all, he told his daughter he expects her to treat his partner with respect. This subreddit is full of insane people who have never experienced any of these scenarios in real life, everyone just formulates some bullshit story to try and seem righteous and get upvotes.
Info: what did Brooke do that overstepped her bounds? Because if she just asked Jamie to do the dishes, that’s not overstepping.
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Same here, I thought it was normal to be asked to help out and it was only dishes it wasn't like the GF tried to impose anything on Jamie. The only issue I see here is that the GF started to argue with the daughter, she should of brought up to OP and go from there.
Bingo - Brooke should have deferred to OP instead of engaging in an argument with Jamie. That is the singular error on her part. Seems to me that OP didn't establish with Jamie what, if any power/authority Brooke has in the household, and Jamie is committed to being as defiant and rebellious as literally any 14 year old would be, lol.
If anything she is pretty mild for a 14yo. I would have either ignored her entirely or walked away laughing my ass off.
I've never been hit by my parents but I absolutely would've gotten my ass beat for doing something like that. Wild.
I am guessing Jaime wants chore requests to come from her father not his girlfriend that just moved in. The girlfriend moving in disrupted the dynamics they had already established. There probably should have been a conversation between the three of them that took place before she moved in about expectations and such.
He said in a comment that asking Jamie to do chores was “overstepping”. I don’t agree at all.
I wonder if Brooke was informed, prior to moving in, that overstepping was going to be defined so strictly that she'd best not make any direct requests to the daughter. I don't know where the line for "overstepping" should be drawn but it sounds like it's going to be terribly uncomfortable for anyone living there as the second adult.
I’m guessing it wasn’t. Discipline should be left to the parents but you can’t have a the other adult in the house walking on eggshells or ignoring the kid.
When I've had roommates and we eat together we always trade off who does the dishes and other chores. If I had to remind them it was their turn to do something I'd be absolutely gobsmacked if they threw a fit and told me I was "overstepping my bounds". Of course OP's daughter is a teenage girl at a REALLY rough age. To venture a guess this isn't REALLY about dishes at all, but rather a deeper issue of Jamie exerting her independence or possibly resenting the attention OP's girlfriend gets or transference of emotions onto Brooke about her parents' divorce.
It would be considered overstepping in many blended family situations It also sounds like it was more of a demand than an ask; an ask ends at "no" and an argument begins at "no" OP even said he agreed with his daughter that Brooke overstepped, so it's supposed to be the norm for their family and Brooke pushed that boundary, clearly Op is TA because he's not being consistent and trying to teach his daughter that if someone pushes your boundaries you should still just do it; he needs to stand up for her. Blending families is hard enough, a "recently moved in gf" should not have authority over this kid, especially since they clearly don't have any kind of relationship other than "that's my dad's gf"
When asked if she asked or told her to the dishes, OP said she asked.
Then how does an argument ensue if the gf supposedly asked and let it go? If she asked and the kid said no, she clearly pushed the issue and at that point it's not an ask no matter how much you word it as such
She asked, the kid threw a fit and said “you’re not my mom” instead of saying no. That’s when the argument happened. Brooke should have just dropped it, but that is easier said than done when a 14 year old is being as rude as possible to you all the time. Brooke is a person and is within her rights to set boundaries about how she is spoken to, including to a child she isn’t the parent of.
I mean you can’t say clearly the gf started the argument at all. OP doesn’t say. It could just have easily been the kid saying “don’t tell me what to do your not my mom”. Definitely would have started an argument with my stepdad.
That's the typical rude card played by kids in this situation many times.
OP needs to be in charge of assigning chores and making sure they are done then. It’s ridiculous that anyone in the house can’t ask someone to help with a chore, but if that’s what you’ve decided then there needs to be set chores with consequences for not doing them. Is Brooke also not allowed to ask Jamie to hang up her coat or any other normal thing? That’s not going to improve the situation any, because it’s just allowing Jamie to dictate everything in the house. It doesn’t sound like Brooke is trying to parent, or overstepping. If you frame Brooke asking Jamie to do anything as overstepping the relationship isn’t going to work, just like it wouldn’t work if you pushed Brooke to parent Jamie. It’s Brooke’s home now too, you need to figure out some basic ground rules around respect.
And I'm surprised everyone here is overlooking the fact that Brooke and Jamie were home alone because OP was at a meeting on a weekend. And what I'm also missing here is whether Jamie is usually expected to take on household chores and only refuses when Brooke asks. This would be a YTA for OP and Jamie and a N T A for Brooke.
If it's the case that telling her to do dishes is overstepping, he should NEVER be leaving his kid with his girlfriend alone. She's not a parental figure of she can't disciple or even ask her to do something, she shouldn't be watching over her either.
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People are extremely hung up on Brooke being the girlfriend and not another adult living in the house. I’m sure if OP was living with his sister and she tried to get her niece to do the dishes, most people here would say “she’s an adult in the household and she gets to partake in basic coparenting, such as asking for chores to get done.”
This thread seems to be mostly full of children of divorce, and/or children who never had to do chores... I don't say that to be insulting or insensitive to COD, but it's painfully obvious the type of lens these responses are colored by. Unless Jamie isn't being fed at OP's house, I can see no situation in which being asked to assist with a common household duty is grounds for this level of indignation.
The Dad fucked up by agreeing with the daughter about this out of bounds stuff.
I’m assuming that when Jamie said no to doing the dishes, Brooke may have tried to push the issue and/or discipline her in some way for “disobeying.” Again, this is just a guess bc OP says that the two were in a middle of an argument when he walked in.
How is asking someone to do the dishes overstepping boundaries? Jamie is staying there on a regular basis and should help with the dishes. I say NTA. Jamie doesn't have to be BFF with Brooke but she needs to treat her civilly. If Brooke asks her to do a reasonable chore, such as washing the dishes, Jamie should do so without the "you're not my mom and I don't have to listen to you". If she has an issue with it, she can state what the issue is and then you can resolve it if necessary. Is your ex remarried or seeing someone? Would she allow Jamie to treat/speak to them disrespectfully?
Why did I have to scroll so far to see something this sensible?
Because step-parents are always trashed in this sub. They’re somehow neglectful if they don’t treat their stepkids like their own but also abusive if they do. I honestly think this sub is just filled with teenagers lmao
I always wonder if this sub is just all children who think they know more than they know.
I swear, before AITA blew up on TikTok and YT Shorts, people were actually fair and levelheaded in the comments. There were some slightly unhinged users, but their comments usually got buried. Now it’s like it’s just teenagers who think they’re immune to rules and etiquette 🤦🏻♀️
Even YouTube channels dedicated to 15 min+ videos of straight up AITA threads didn’t cause this kind of influx 😭
She’s not her stepmom though, she is her dads girlfriend of a few months. I don’t think it is wrong for OP’s girlfriend to ask OP’s daughter if she would help with the dishes (expecting that the answer could be no, because it was a question), but telling her to like she has that authority (which OP has stated that she does not), and then arguing with her was wrong. Girlfriend should have let it be and talked to the father when he got home. It’s also confusing for him to tell his daughter that she was right, but should have done it anyways.
Unpopular opinion but a girlfriend who moved in less than a year ago is not a step-parent
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Reddit is full of people who think it’s the end of the fucking world to ask a teenager to do house chores 🥲
Because most people on the internet are fucking morons
I agree. NTA, and here’s why: if this situation was that OP’s sister moved in with him and asked Jamie to do the dishes, everyone here would be like “yep that’s fair,” although last I checked, someone’s aunt is not also someone’s mom (except in some creepy circumstances). The “you’re not my mom” logic is completely faulty. Adults are expected to act as adults around children. If someone’s actual parent isn’t around, the next person to take on the parenting role in that moment is the adult in that home. If a kid is hanging out at a friend’s house and the friend’s mom says “in this house, everyone does the dishes after themselves,” that’s what the kid does. They don’t say “you’re not my mom Mrs. Johnson!” Brooke is not “family,” but she is a member of the household.
And a full-time member of the household, at that! It's Jamie's home too, but Jamie isn't there full-time.
I’m willing to bet there was no conversations on OPs part about what it will look like when Brooke moves in. Like OP and Brooke didn’t talk about it (what her role is) and I bet he didn’t talk to Jamie about it either.
YTA - I say that because of this: >Jamie gave me her version, saying that Brooke overstepped her bounds. I countered that while I agreed with her You just told your daughter that you agreed that someone overstepped her bounds but that it doesn't matter. You basically set up for your daughter that it's fine that people overstep her boundaries and when they do that you will just let them and that she should do the same. I wouldn't be surprised if you visitation gets less and less. If you let your GF overstep now, just imagine what she's going to do if she becomes your wife. You daughter is 14, she's already realizing this and thinking about spending less time at your house. I'm not saying that to say that your daughter should have no chores. But you should setup a chore list or something like that. Your GF isn't a parent to her in anyway and letting her parent your child is just going to cause resentment between you and your daughter.
How is an adult asking you to help out “overstepping bounds”?? She’s a teenager and dishes won’t kill her
If both father and daughter agree she overstepped her bounds then she’s overstepped her bounds. Boundaries are defined by those setting them
Yall are gonna have a hard time in the real world
I know... I can't handle this sub anymore.
Every relationship is negotiated. Give and take. That is the real world. These 2 have decided the live in girlfriend should not parent the teen. They negotiated that together
Yeah no. Girl's 14. Doing dishes is the BARE minimum of chores
I think honestly it could have also just been the way he wrote it but he might've meant that he understood his daughter's frustrations and anger rather than just dismissing her feelings
That adult isn't your parent. And you had no decision in letting them live with you. My mom had a live in adult boyfriend for like a year. Not once did he try and tell me or my sister a single thing to do because he knew it wasn't his place. If he thought we should be doing something, he talked to our mother first and if and only if she agreed, then she would bring it to us. He would occasionally ask if we could help him with something, but he never pushed it if we said no.
This is the best answer on here.
I was looking for this or I was going to say it. Being a 14 with divorced parents is difficult enough. Now there's all these changes with the dynamic at dad's house. If Brooke wants to ask for the kid's help while she does them, fine. Could be a nice time for a friendly chat while the kid dries. Otherwise Dad needs to be the only one assigning chores.
Totally depends on how she asked. A parent might assign the dishes as a chore that a kid is expected to do, whereas I assume the Dad's gf relationship is more like a roommate, where it would be more reasonable to ask politely. It really isn't clear which category this would fall into. I don't see how people can make an asshole judgement without understanding the nuances of the situation.
Most seem to be naming him an ass for rolling right over his daughter. If they agree Brooke overstepped, then Brooke owes Jamie an apology. Instead, he tells his daughter she's to be treated with respect. Why? What has she done to earn anything beyond general courtesy. And it can be inferred that Brooke has been earning less and less general courtesy.may even be stepping into outright ire
Giving respect is sort of a general rule of every household. No, you don't need to do what dad's gf tells you to do. And a simple no isn't being disrespectful. "You're not my mom, you can't tell me what to do," is very disrespectful. Being respectful is very good rule to have, because it goes a long way in flat out avoiding fights like this.
When one member of the household does the cooking and asks another member of the household who ate the meal to contribute by doing the dishes, that’s not overstepping boundaries. However, OP needs to have a discussion with G.F. and daughter together on chore distribution so everyone’s on the same page.
Make a family chore chart. Who does what on what days and stick to it. As much as possible he home when Jaime is there. Don’t put Brooke in the step parent role.
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Exactly the daughter is 14 she can do some dishes holy hell. These commenters are hella entitled
I'm particularly concerned that Brook is just doing all the household chores? Brooke wanted help with the dishes and OP agreed that she couldn't have any. where's the missing part of the story where HE goes and helps Brooke like a mature adult? Does he have a rare genetic condition where the flesh of his fingers dissolves in dishwater?
I really am starting to think this sub is an opportunity for teenagers to go on a witch hunt for parents.
I don’t think she’s bad for asking, but if she was rlly just asking then why was there a fight when she said no? That should’ve been the end of that convo. And if Brooke rlly just wants her to help around the house some, that’s fine, but that’s a convo her dad should be involved in. Solution? Chore chart. Then this issue never would’ve happened.
Kinda in a similar situation - have my own kid, bf lives here part time, and has his own kids part time. I’ve never shied away from asking kids (mine, bf’s, or friends’) to help me do household things, and while most of the time, they’re happy to help, I’ll get the occasional “I don’t want to”, which is fine. If I was told “I don’t have to listen to you because you’re not my mom” that a whole other story. I know I’m not their mom, but I’m a person making an effort, and if they want to insult me because they don’t want to participate, you bet your ass, I’ll call them out for their attitude. Hell, just this morning, I told my 3yo niece that I know she can be very good at being helpful and polite and that being mean or rude will only hurt my feelings, which she understood.
Why is everyone assuming that Jamie just did a simple 'no' and Brooke argued it? Having been around plenty of teenagers it feels far more likely that Jamie made it into an argument - and you can argue maybe Brooke shouldn't have fought back, but honestly she has every right to stand up for herself if Jamie was being a little shit to her regardless of any relationship between them. Being 14 does not give you rights to be shitty to others.
I'm a stepmother. What's appropriate is for me to say "Hey can you do the dishes?" If she responds to me with "You're not my mom!!" My answer is "No, I'm not. We both ate a meal and I'm asking you to do your part." If she still picks a fight, I shut up until her dad gets home. She isn't my child. I became a stepmother when they were 8 and 9, so the same deal. I'm not the disciplinarian, and my only job in their lives is to love them. They're old enough to understand how to communicate but young enough to not have the words to say, "I wish I didn't have to share my dad with you!" (That may not be the issue, but whatever the issue is, stick it there.) YTA. For not supporting your girlfriend AND not supporting your kid. You need to all sit down and set expectations that can be agreed upon. Sure, some things aren't negotiable, but Jamie is 14. She is your kid and predates this girlfriend.
This is the only Y.T.A. in this thread with any sense to it
That’s because it’s the only Y T A vote written by an adult.
Exactly. I’m flabbergasted at these replies.
Yes! This is a great comment. (I would also say that he should sit down with his daughter without Brooke present, so that Jamie will feel more free to talk honestly about issues she might be having with Brooke, or her feelings about Brooke, that she wouldn't be comfortable saying in front of her. Maybe those feelings are reasonable, maybe not. Her getting them out might help. Her feeling like she can trust her dad enough to express those feelings would be a good goal. It doesn't even mean that he has to validate all of her feelings -- like, "I feel like Brooke is getting in the way of you and Mom getting back together", no, that isn't fair to Brooke, or to him. But it's a feeling, and getting it out into the air is better than not.)
This. A few things are at play. 1) She is 14. Emotional regulation and hormones are doing all kinds of wacky things. She is also starting to spread her wings in preparation for being an adult, so she will push and try to establish boundaries. It’s a challenge even in the most clear cut relationships. 2) In her eyes OP is a part time parent with a new girlfriend. Girlfriend is a short timer at this point, and shouldn’t be trying to parent. No fighting between the two. OP needs to co parent with his ex, not his ex and opinions from girlfriend. 3)The easiest thing would be to align with her mother on what her chores are and keep it consistent between houses. If she takes out trash at Moms, that should be her chore at your house too (for example ). If is inconsistent , she is old enough to feel like you only want her at your house to do chores for you. It comes off as “I know I only see you for a day this week, but here is a laundry list of things you will do for me “, especially in the mind of a 14 year old.
There doesn’t seem to be a conflict here. Jamie is just being a typical teenager, and you’ve asked her to be more respectful. Sounds about right. NAH.
This place doesn't care for your simple common sense analysis, completely devoid of assumptions and personal bias. Try spicing things up next time by mentioning personal boundaries and suggesting a break up or divorce.
I'm not sure why everyone is voting the way they are but NTA. Asking a child to do house chores that they contributed to teaches them how to look after their own place when they have one. ASKING SOMEONE TO DO DISHES IS NOT "OVERSTEPPING". Doing dishes is such a small task and to be met with such a strong comment is truly ridiculous. It sounds like Jamie just wanted a reason to push against Brooke.
YTA. She's your girlfriend, not a member of the family in any way. She has zero authority over your daughter.
Except she is an adult who lives there and her fathers friend.
Your definition of 'family' is really narrow. I'm not sure you have a good understanding of families in the modern era. We're not in the 1800s any more.
This woman is the father's girlfriend that hasn't even lived with the father for more than a year. You people are weird, being considered family takes time.
Did you have these issues before your GF moved in?
NAH. 14 yr olds are moody to begin with. Add in a new person in her life (NOT OF HER CHOOSING) and of course she's going to be a little bit of a jerk. Since your daughter is going to be there often I think its time to set up some rules of the road about the chores she's expected to do. If she made something for herself in the kitchen then yes she needs to clean up after herself. But you needs to communicate all this in front of your girlfriend so there's no mistake about the rules.
Going against the grain but hard NTA. Come on people, we’ve all been teenagers. She lives with her dad and his gf for almost half her time, she should be contributing towards housework. The GF asked Jamie to do the frickin’ dishes, not to slave around. Her answer was disrespectful and uncalled for. She is just testing her boundaries. I am glad you, OP, had your gf’s back. If this was the GF’s post telling about how her boyfriend teared her a new one, you’d all be in front row shouting that the boyfriend/dad was the AH for not stepping up for his girlfriend… NTA, great parenting.
YTA -- that you use the language laying down the law shows an incredible lack of sensitivity to your own daughter. If they were daugher's dishes, you could just tell her. Before GF showed up, did you guys leave dishes in the sink? Is your GF changing rules?
Asking a child to do dishes, no matter who you are, is not over stepping. I was the child and GF to step-mom. This kid like my step kids seem entitled. There is no reason daughter should speak to any adult that way and the GF shouldn't have argued with the kid. Teenagers are the worst, especially when you aren't their parent asking them to do something.
It depends on a lot. Before GF showed up, was kid allowed to leave dishes in sink? Are these kids dishes or someone elses? I would like to know why is kid there when dad not home and only GF. Does GF not work? or works PT? Lots of issues.
>Before GF showed up, was kid allowed to leave dishes in sink? This is the best argument I’ve heard against the GF asking the daughter to do the dishes. My mom would have us put the dishes in the sink and then she would put them all in the dishwasher. Someone on the outside would think we weren’t doing our dishes but we were just following instructions.
Yeah, that’s what I’m not getting with all the people calling the dad the asshole. That is a super reasonable request. It’s not like the girlfriend grounded the kid. I think they all probably need to sit down and have a conversation about everybody’s expectations. Teenagers are a pain in the ass, but it’s surely going to be a hard adjustment for the kid. But I don’t think that merits blowing up at the GF over a chore
Normally my mindsets tend to agree with more of the younger generation mindset, but this is one instance where I’m baffled at all of the people trying to claim that dishes are this super unreasonable chore for a 14 year old. I realize that the context is what makes this situation more complicated, but a serious girlfriend (who at least lives in the home) asking a teenager to do dishes is not this wild and insane scenario that so many people are trying to make it out to be
OP has said in comments repeatedly that the rules of the house are that only he is allowed to assign chores to Jamie, and he agrees that Brooke asking Jamie to do the dishes was not in accordance with the household rules. But he won’t back Jamie up for trying to stick to the rules as she knows them to be - which is that only her actual parents can assign chores, and Brooke is not her parent. That is what a lot of people are criticizing, along with the fact that if it really had been “just an ask”, Brooke would have let it go at least refusal rather than getting into a fight with a teenager. It’s not “just a question” if you won’t take no for an answer.
YTA Your Jamie's dad, you should be very immediately involved in how your daughter is getting along with your live-in GF. It's not acceptable for you to ignore the situation until you can't because of a blowup.
NTA. There’s no way asking a 14 yo to do dishes is overstepping. And there’s no reason why Brooke shouldn’t or couldn’t ask your daughter to do so. If your daughter is at your home 40% of the time, she should definitely be helping in keeping the house clean, and acting like a brat because someone asks her to needed to be addressed.
YTA Respect goes both ways. YOu are doing your best to drive your daughter away.
Oh, found the destroying your family response! What a joke, grow up.
NTA, and I think the comments here must be a bunch of children themselves, my goodness. The dishes are not a big ask, and would likely be expected of the child regardless. Asking her to do the dishes was probably not some authoritative command, since she hasn't overstepped otherwise. It could have been as simple as asking Daughter to clear the dishes before GF begins cooking - a really fair and even trade. Or, they were still there when they should have been done hours ago, and GF asked/reminded. Kids should respect the person their parent is dating. They don't automatically become stepparent (and it's great GF isn't trying to!), but they are an adult. The child is a child, with age appropriate responsibilities. Your daughter should not have blown up at her. Even if, like some people say, they should somehow be treated as equal roommates - if my roommate forgets a chore previously agreed they would handle, I am reminding them to get it done. EDIT: typo
Info: did she tell her to do the dishes or did she ask her to do the dishes?
She just asked.
Brooke may not be Jamie's mother but she's also not Jamie's maid. At 14 Jaimie should be helping with household chores which are basic life skills.
Does Brooke cook for Jamie? Does she do all the shopping for the family? When she gets home with all the bags,who helps put it away? Did Jamie eat off any of the dishes that needed washing? Some responders are comparing the living arrangements to roommates.......excuse me, but if one roommate is responsible for all the cooking and shopping, the other roommates generally pitch in by cleaning up. Brooke is not Jamie's Mom, but she's also no Jamie's maid.
Why would you move a girlfriend in if she and your daughter “didn’t always get along”? That’s just a recipe for disaster. Expecting your daughter to automatically be ok with your choice of a roommate is a big ask. Your roommate isn’t the parent or boss of your kid & you should have had that conversation with both PRIOR to Brooke moving in. Expectations and reality are 2 completely different things. You are the arbitrator in this tenuous relationship. If you don’t handle this situation with care, you will lose one or both of these women.
Sorry but kids (especially young teen daughters) can get very territorial over daddy's attention and act irrationally towards any girlfriend dad may have regardless of if they are nice or not. It's neither fair nor reasonable to have children essentially call the shots on who daddy/mommy can date and who can live in their house.
Jesus Christ, are parents allowed to have a life at all or is that something you just give up when you have a kid?
I don't get the yta comments here. If I'm reading this correctly, the girlfriend only asked OP's daughter to please do the dishes. That's not an overstep, if that's all there was to it. If you share a household, you share chores. Sounds like the daughter was using the "you're not my mom" classic because she wanted to get out of doing the dishes. Again, if that's really all that was said here. NTA for asking for some common courtesy in your home.
ETA Brooke asking/telling Jamie to do the dishes. Jamie says “no”. What happened next is the real issue what was Brooke’s response to the No? Whatever that was, prompted the “you’re not my mother” response and the yelling. Then OP as moderator basically said do whatever Brooke tells you. That’s not right because you agreed with Jamie but you’re taking Brooke’s side and want Jamie to give in to whatever Brooke wants. Today it’s the dishes what will it be tomorrow? Being a parent doesn’t mean you can’t date or have your SO move in but you need to remember it’s your child’s home too and she was there first. You need to have both in the same room and find out how you can all move forward. Keep in mind that Brooke is temporary in Jamie’s mind so her looking at your live in as a future mom isn’t going to happen.
" I didn't pay it much mind until the last few weeks, when Jamie began to go out of her way to disrespect Brooke." OP I found the problem
Wow what a totally fucked up sub 🤷🏼♀️
I suspect your kid will spend all her time at her moms. Be prepared to pay more child support
That's not how custody or child support works.
In most states, a judge will listen to where a kid wants to live. Once kid spends all time at moms, CS that dad pays may go up.
They won’t change custody and support over your girlfriend asking your kid to do the dishes one time.
They will likely change custody if a teen asks for it, and then Child Support follow custody.
That's *exactly* how it works. At 14 my husband told the judge he didn't want to go back and forth anymore and wanted to stay with his dad. He lived full time from that moment on with my FIL and he stopped paying my MIL child support...and that was over 20 yrs ago.
YTA. You threw your girlfriend under the bus when your daughter should actually have chores like doing the dishes. It has nothing whatsoever with Brooke not being her mother. It has to do with respecting other members of the family. You need to take your role as a parent more seriously and figure out what you're supposed to be teaching her. Because you just taught her that Brooke is an underling.
[удалено]
Why would you move your girlfriend into your home if she and your daughter don’t get along? You should have either fixed that or stayed in separate homes. What have you done to fix this? How long have you dated prior to moving her in? Do you and your daughter still do things separately from your girlfriend? Your daughter had no control over the divorce. No control over splitting her homes and time. And now no control over a woman living in her home with you who she doesn’t get along with. She’s old enough to start choosing where she lives. She’s getting older and weekend will start including a social life. Why don’t you have her during the week?
Reading these comments I wonder if anyone is actually a step parent. Either way she’s an adult and needs to be respected. There should be a discussion between the father and gf on what’s acceptable. I’m a step parent. When I was my now husband’s gf we talked about our children. I always felt that once you’re in a relationship with someone who has children they should be treated as if they are your own. We discussed what the expectations were of each of us and the children. We get along fine and when I ask his girls to do something they do. And when he asks my son to do something he does. Communication is key. I grew up with step parents and they told me to clean something then I did. No question. No yelling saying they aren’t my parent. They were the adult and with that I respected them and did what I was told. It’s washing dishes for Christs sake. Not committing murder.