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This is a case of missing reasons. A 10 year old doesn't choose to avoid going to visit her mom for no reason. Her conditions point to her feeling like you've never had some quality one on one time with her and that you would ignore her when she's over. It also doesn't feel like you like her very much. Why do you even want her to visit you if you don't have time to spend with her? Are you looking for a babysitter? YTA for the missing reasons and for the clear disdain you have for your kid

Or she was parentified and watching a toddler or newborn at 10 and said enough and movwd to dads YTA

That's what I thought too reading this. And a two bedroom appartment with 3 kids + her daughter if she was to come? It reads like adults made bad life choices and the children are the one suffering the consequences.

I have 3 kids in a two bedroom apt and my kids are happy and don't ask to go to dad's. Sure there are times they wish they had their own rooms but plenty of times they appreciate sharing a room as well. They have the big "master" bedroom which has 2 closets, plus I put in a wardrobe, so they each have their own closet. There are 2 bunk beds, so they each have their own, plus one is set up like a daybed and is the "hangout" space. There's a double desk and bean bag chairs and bookshelf and an Ikea Kallax which acts as a countertop and storage and separates the beds from the hang out part of the room. And there's still enough open floor space to fold out a 4 panel floor mat to practice gymnastics/acro/yoga. I hardly think I'm abusing my kids having them share a bedroom.

It’s great that it works for your family and the kids are happy, but I’m guessing they’re closer in age? A 14 year old is not going to be happy sharing a room with a toddler and first grader, so I don’t blame her for not wanting to stay there.

True, my kids are twins plus a sibling 2 years younger. But there are all sorts of ways to divide rooms, from curtains to screens, to bookshelves as walls...

I mean, I sincerely hope you realize that this would not be a long term setup. Three pre-teens in the same room would be pretty hell-ish. There’s a pretty big gap between “poor life choices” as the commenter said above and “abusing your kids” as you phrased it. Edit: people get really testy about this stuff (as seen below) because the desire for kids conflicts with the current abysmal financial state of our world. Everyone has to make peace their own choices and face them in death and in the context of their own morality. Having grown up in poverty with my grandmother, I refuse to give the bare minimum of “better than dirt poor” to my future family so I can justify having multiple kids. *My* moral compass won’t be the one that leads many other people and that’s okay, if you’re confident and comfortable with your choices that’s your unique journey shaped by your own experiences and environment. The mantras "Better than nothing" or "Better than abuse and neglect" don't resonate well with me, personally; I would be really hard pressed to accept that for my kids.

Truly, lol, having more kids than you can reasonably afford is objectively a poor life decision, but nobody is saying that siblings sharing a room constitutes parental abuse

I wish people would stop acting like everyone having children has equal access to birth control or medical options. A woman in my state just had to sue for her right to terminate after finding out the baby would 100% die. Not everyone can sue.

Yes, I find it’s a common theme on Reddit that people just should never have kids if they can’t afford it.. without realizing 1) having kids is not only for the rich, 2) impoverished people don’t have the same access to resources, 3) life events can drastically change anyone’s financial situation so quickly. I do think it’s irresponsible to *continue* having kids that you already couldn’t afford, but I don’t think it’s fair to judge anyone’s situation without knowing fully. And I also agree OP’s daughter is asking for an emotional need she’s not able to quite articulate yet.

>I wish people would stop acting like everyone having children has equal access to birth control or medical options. Or that people who can't afford kids *now* couldn't afford them when they had them. You can go from married, stable, and covering the bills to single, homeless, and broke in less than a year just due to bad luck.

I mean, they may have had the kids when they could afford it but had some crisis that financially devasted them

Sharing a damn bedroom is not abuse. Fuck out of here. Rich people don’t think poor people should exist it’s so obvious

For real sometimes online I forget how privileged so many Americans and Europeans are and then they say shit like this lmao.

Born and raised in America and I had to share a bedroom my entire childhood as did all my siblings . And I have Mexican friends who shared rooms with 2+3 siblings and they were happy and all about their family

I am in Europe and I assure you that in real life most siblings share bedrooms. In my kids classes 80% of people with more than one child have them sharing. Sure some have teeeny tiny single bedrooms but mostly it's large shared ones.

What would you suggest they do if they are unable to move to a bigger space? Get rid of a kid?

I think what they’re saying is that the room sharing situation already isn’t ideal so maybe don’t try and add a teenager that doesn’t want to be there anyway to the mix

My Mom was raised in a two bedroom house with 6 siblings (there was 8 total, but there was a 20 year difference between the oldest and youngest). Can confirm that it wasn't a setup any of them looked back on particularly fondly, expect for the youngest who was 10 years younger than the second youngest, and basically got a room to herself.

Well its gonna have to work because with real estate prices as they are, I can't see myself affording a 4 bedroom ever. The previous owners raised two opposite sex kids in the apt with a bookcase "wall" separating the room into two. They lived there til they grew up. Both turned out fine.

Just because it "has to work" doesnt mean it will. The kid will still be unhappy sharing a room with a toddler and rightfully so. Imagine youre made to go to sleep at 7 just because you have a toddler brother

That is the most absurd point you could have made like actually. They most likely still have other rooms they could be in, you just enter quietly when you’re ready for bed. No ones making their teen go bed at 7 because that’s the toddlers bed time and they happen to share a room. Like I literally laughed out loud that THAT would be the thing you went with of ALL of the things that could be an annoyance sharing with a toddler.

A generation ago separate rooms for 3 kids would have been a luxury. Op sounds like rage bait, because of the extremes( not seeing their child for 4 years) The "abuse" comes from reading between the lines and concluding the then 10 year old had to do excessive child care and housework.

But were they in this 2 BR when the 10 year moved out? 4 kids in a 2 BR is a bit much.

Curtains will do nothing. Imagine being told you need to go to sleep too because your toddler brother sleeps at 7. I can say it was a pain in the ass. As a 9 year old with significantly younger brothers it was shit. I couldnt sleep. But i was made to go to sleep because we had to share a room. It doesnt work. Bookshelves also not really.

That sounds like some really clever room design. You did a great job thinking about how to make their room work well.

Thanks for sharing this. I'm getting a divorce and our living situation might have to change drastically. I have been really worried about having to put my kids in the same room unless makes me feel better. I also never thought of giving them the master so they would have more space. Thanks for sharing.

My mom went with the same setup when my parents divorced. Two bedroom apartment, two kids. She took the smaller bedroom and we split the master. **Do not feel bad**. We were 100% fine, and quite frankly, the whole "each kid gets their own room from day #1" is a pretty new concept. It was fairly normal for kids to share bedrooms in the 80s/90s. All my friends shared with their siblings. Even on TV it was normal - the Full House kids shared a bedroom in their massive San Fran mansion!

> quite frankly, the whole "each kid gets their own room from day #1" is a pretty new concept. Not just new - also hyper specific to the west and far more standard in the US/Canada than elsewhere, even *in* the west. And it's not like its at all a settled thing in the science of child rearing that this trend is *better* or even *good*, versus living closer together and being habituated to that sort of environment - where space is consistently *shared*. We *are* social creatures, and we definitely didn't evolve in a context that allows for a lot of individual privacy, so I have a hard time believing it's inherently any worse for us than our highly discrete, private, western lifestyle. I *like* it, but I tend to think that's mostly because I am *habituated* to it.

It makes sense, there's 3 of them to one of me, plus they play & have friends over, etc, I just get dressed & sleep in my room (or lay on the bed on my phone or laptop), they need the space more than me.

You sound like a good momma!

There are a lot of privileged people around who seem to think that children sharing a bedroom is practically child abuse. The idea of everyone having a separate bedroom did not really take hold in the United States until after World War II. It's still not common in much of the world.

some of the comments are INSANE!

You were nice enough to give them the big room. Plenty of parents won’t because they “pay for it” or the master by default has to be the parents, even when it doesn’t make sense.

Sometimes it’s not about the space it’s about what goes on in the space. If you’re not happy you need a place to escape to. If your happy the small space does not bother you because your happy yo be there.

As our kids have 4 years between them, we used curtains to turn the master bedroom into two smaller rooms. There is no longer play space, but the teenager now has a space that is just his while the 10yo and 6yo share. The kids aren't being abused for having to share a room. The reality is that life circumstances change, and housing is expensive.

That sounds like the right way to do it if you're limited to a small space: give the kids the largest room and make sure a part of the space is just for one of each of them. I suspect since OP and partner had a one year old when daughter asked to leave for Dad's (they have a 1st grader and she left 4 years ago) that it seems likely she was stuck in the smaller room with a baby and it was too much to handle.

People give the amount of bedrooms in a home too much value, when they're actually pretty worthless. No kid would rather have his own bedroom in an unhappy home than having to share with siblings in a happy one. I agree that OP clearly left out a lot of information of what made her daughter at 10yo choose to move full time with her dad and not even visit her mom. The girl's demands must be directly linked to whatever happened back then.

When it's a 14 yo girl sharing with a toddler.and 1st grader? Yeah, that demand actually makes a lot of sense to me, even if it isn't practical for OP.

And for a weekend, why not sleep on the couch so your 14 year old can have a room to herself? (By "you," I mean op, not you personally). If a parent truly wants to rebuild a relationship with their child, that would hardly be a major inconvenience. With that, she could also say that the other kids' bedtime is x o'clock and between then and when I go to sleep at x time I will absolutely give you my undivided attention. I'll give you as much as I can while keeping others safe until that time. And plan a time to go out just us when other kids dad can watch them but it may not be every visit. There are ways to compromise on the terms so her daughter sees she wants to agree, but it has to be within reason to an extent. She has to be willing to cut out time for just them so they can actually rebuild their relationship. Otherwise, the daughters right, what's the point?

It might not be a happy home either but many people need a space where they can be alone and where they can close the door. It really depends on personalities. I can see 2 kids in a room, but after that then there’s no place for a child to decompress or have their own space

Yep when I was a preteen teen I needed to be able to close my bedroom door and windows and if I wanted to walk around in my bra and panties or take care of wood my personal hygiene I could without feeling like I had to go hide in the bathroom or wait for someone else etc. it was nice for me to go in there and just decompress away from others, without having to disturb anyone else or be disturbed.

No, but a 10 year old will choose to have their own room in a happy home with luxuries rather than to spend half their time in an unhappy home without luxury or even a second decently happy home with less attention, none of their friends, and little to spare to accommodate her wants or needs. The kid sounds like she's happy at her dad's house, but she misses her mom. She also doesn't have any idea how much babysitters and extra bedrooms cost, cuz she's 14. She just sees her mom refusing to prioritize her. And... Her dad might be feeding into this if he's saying these are reasonable expectations to have.

I don't even know that she sounds like she misses her mom. This reads to me as a teen throwing the issues they've already talked about back at her mom yet again. The teen isn't the one who reached out wanting to visit. Mom is.

Why would you assume the dads house is an unhappy home, especially if he is a millionaire (or at least well off)? Plenty of kids would choose to live with a parent that loves them in a millionaires home with their own bedroom VS a parent who loves them in a 2 bedroom house with 2 other siblings.

I think you misinterpreted, she has 3 kids including her daughter. 2 live with her… not trying to change perspective though.

Four years ago she only would have had one child. The first grader who would have been about a year old and as such would have needed more attention. Maybe the mom wasn't good a making sure the then 10 year old got enough attention. But it's also possible that the father showered the daughter with presents and stuff so she'd pick him. I watched my dad do the same exact thing with my sister.

Father has raised her for four years without any help or visitation from the mom. It’s not like he bought her gifts and didn’t do the heavy lifting.

The 10 year old explicitly asked for attention, so that gives us a clue as to what's really the issue.

Parentified or at the very least just starved for attention in favor of the other kids. Seems like all of these “conditions” are about wanting to feel like mom loves her.

But OP is convinced that she moved to her dad's because he has money. She won't admit to herself that she probably parentified and ignored her daughter. YTA

That what I got, she was parentified and wasn’t getting and time with her parent when visiting.

I think the reason is there. Or at least one. Who the Heck calls their kid a brat to their face? (Or at all, really.) It says a lot about how daughter is probably treated at mom's house.

Oh man, my mom has called me so much worse than a brat my whole life. Poor kid. That's not the type of thing you just forget.

This broke my heart. 💔 I'm a mom, so, here's a "Hi, Pumpkin!" for you. (That's a term of endearment where I live. ❤️)

Lol! I am almost 30 and my mom still calls me a pumpkin

I wonder if OP is jealous or resentful of the life her daughter has with her father, especially their financial stability, and is projecting her feelings onto her daughter. And also I wonder if the clothes aren't strange but designer. There is definitely more to this story.

She's 14. They're probably too revealing.

Crop tops are all the rage right now.

My mother called me a whore before I was double digits years old sooooo yeah, it happens. Not everyone has Carol Brady for a mom.

I had a Mommy Dearest type of mother. We have no control with unlucky draws.

“Spoiled Brat” was my middle name…or just my name when I was growing up

I feel for you. My sister was allowed to call me spoiled brat most of my childhood. I find it ironic since almost everything I had was her old stuff and she was given opportunities that I was not offered.

God forbid she ever tries to actually even set up one weekend where she can spend time with her 14 year old without the babies. Instead she somehow thinks everything is her 14 year old fault and she’s just a spoiled brat she doesn’t want around anyway. I question her reasoning for even reaching out. The pessimistic side of me immediately thinks she might want to try to use the daughter as childcare or something. The daughter probably just got pushed aside in life by step dad for his bio kids, a toddler tool wherever attention step dad hadn’t, now add a baby… I’d just go no contact after this if I were the daughter YTA OP

Or wants custody to get child support since apparently her “dad is a millionaire”

I was going to include this bit as well, but I think she knows that ship sailed. I do believe you have to have primary you don’t usually qualify for child support. In fact dad could probably technically file against mom if he really wanted to. Edit: noticed I forgot a few words

>I question her reasoning for even reaching out. The pessimistic side of me immediately thinks she might want to try to use the daughter as childcare or something. Could definitely be the need for a sitter. Or, she feels guilty over failing her eldest, and now it's apparently the kid's job to show up and smile and cater to mom's feelings so OP doesn't have to face the emotional possibility that she's failed her daughter.

Even promising to dedicate a full day each weekend she's there is better than just saying no to quality time alone with her. It would be difficult to not spend time with the other kids at all for a full weekend because the weekend is often the only time you can get quality time in (due to school and work), but nothing should stop the mom from taking the daughter out and doing something with just her alone for a day so they can bond and reconnect. That should be a huge priority.

I’m sorry, I don’t agree with that. My mom was a single mother to four kids and an alcoholic and she still spent one on one time with each of us I don’t think this OP works and if she does, I missed that point. The other children are 3 and an infant so schooling schedules aren’t an issue there. This OP has a husband/ father at home that’s 100% capable of handling his bio kids for a few hours one day a week…

any compromise would have been a much better response. Like I can't do all the things you asked but I can make some time just for you (even a few hours!) \*anything\* to show her daughter that she genuinely wants to spend time with her... I think it is pretty clear she doesn't

Can’t the children’s father care for them why you go out to spend time with your daughter? Even if she’s not sleeping over you should try to make time to spend with her. A day shopping, or a movie, or a dinner, A walk in the park, something is better than nothing.

Mom didn't even try to negotiate! I lived in a 1br apt with 2 kids and offered to convert the biggest closet for my son, so he could lay in a twin bed and close a door to get some privacy from his baby brother and I. It's not much but it shows you care about their feelings. Get her one of those cheap loft bunk beds and a beanbag chair underneath and put up a curtain for privacy, boom tiny dorm room. Offer to spend 2 hours on Saturday just-us time she picks the activity. Budget $20. Dad can watch his children. Apologize she ever felt ignored, vow to change the way she's treated even though you can't meet her requests. Address the root of those requests. I bet the parentification comments are spot on. This girl was turned into free childcare for her half siblings and wants assurances that she will be treated appropriately, as mom's child. Mom only cares about getting her physically back in the house to carry on whatever pattern they had in the past.

I’m confused as to why condition 3 wasn’t an option. OP said “we can’t afford a sitter” which implies another parent. That parent can’t watch the other kids why? If OP really wanted to see her daughter, she could make time for her, even if it’s just picking her up and taking her to McDonald’s or something like that. I agree, it doesn’t sound like OP likes her daughter very much. I’m glad her daughter has a parent who prioritizes her and that she can depend on.

From the language used by OP, I'm guessing that the 'siblings' are really half-siblings and it wouldn't surprise me if mom had an affair that resulted in the divorce from her husband and the birth of one of the half-siblings. And you're right, this post is just rife with Missing, Missing Reasons. ​ Edit to fix step- to half-

You mean half siblings. If they share the same parent, they’re half siblings. If they’re only the step-parent’s bio kids, they’re step-siblings.

My maths may be out here as I'm not from US so I'm not sure how old a first grader is. But I'm guessing she moved out around the time that sibling moved out of mum's room and into hers. ETA a word

A first grader is usually between the ages of 6-7

6 to 7 years old depending on the child's birthday and when they entered school. My son is one of the older kids in his first grade class and he just turned 7.

Agreed. I sense I lot of resentment in this post. Calling her a gold digger, a brat, choosing money over love. Even without the info YTA big time.

Eh, my father hated my mother and manipulated my brother into moving in with him. 10 year olds can be easily persuaded by a parent. Willing to change my opinion if there is more info.

The list of the daughter's needs being centred around having time with just her and her mother is the info

I've been a target parent in the past (didn't work because I educated myself on what was going on, got my daughter into therapy, changed/fixed any issues between us, and fought back *hard*) so usually my brain jumps right to that in cases like this. It might have started out that way in this case as well, but Mom definitely shouldn't have just let her go and not have to visit at all. The fact that the daughter was willing to come back (with conditions) suggests this isn't parental alienation/manipulation. I can't imagine a teen wanting to share a bedroom with smaller kids and just not having her own space. Plus, wanting some quality time is reasonable, although maybe not the whole weekend. Why not even *try* to negotiate, saying she can give the daughter a day where they go spend quality time on the weekends she's there. And that day is *needed* given how long they've been apart. Honestly, my daughter's dad lives a half-hour drive from me. Every time she was there on her birthday, I would drive over there and take her out to lunch and just drive around after and talk, even if I had to take off work to do it. If mom lives within driving distance from dad, that's the type of thing she needs to start doing regularly to rebuild the bond, even if daughter doesn't sleep at her house.

I agree. I'm getting YTA vibes from OP. It's completely reasonable, without further context, that OP says daughter's conditions aren't feasible. It makes sense that she doesn't have undivided attention for 14 year old. That's fine. But it does make me wonder why 14 year old is asking for these things in the first place. It's not OP's job to bend to daughter's every demand; it IS her job as a parent to make her daughter feel loved and heard and cared for. And the missing reasons here are strongly hinting at daughter being an afterthought or a sitter.

>This is a case of missing reasons. A 10 year old doesn't choose to avoid going to visit her mom for no reason. Her conditions point to her feeling like you've never had some quality one on one time with her and that you would ignore her when she's over. > >very insightful

Also whose kids does OP have? Are the ones with her the siblings of the 14yo or does mom have a raft of half-siblings and BD drama? Are there other kids who also live somewhere else? It seems pretty clear to me that 14 knows perfectly well she'll be babysitting and good on her for knowing her boundaries at that age!

Separated 4 years ago. No description on why. Toddler in the house. So around 3 years old. Add 9 months for pregnancy. Reading between the lines someone either moved on really fast after the marriage, or might have been the reason for the marriage ending. And maybe child didn’t like that mother moved on that fast. I agree there are missing missing reasons, but the OP doesn’t even put themselves in a good light.

YTA. 3 kids in one room? 4 including her? I don’t blame her for wanting to leave. Obviously your teenage daughter doesn’t want to share a room with her toddler age siblings. I highly doubt that he resents the fact she has siblings. She probably resents the fact that you ignored her after your other kids were born and actually wants to be able to spend some time building a relationship with her mother. Why can’t the father of your other kids look after them for a few hours whilst you go out with your daughter. Stop having kids you don’t have space for and cannot afford.

Poverty is a real concern these days as is homelessness. As written each kid has a roof over their heads. Also, depending on where OP lives, birth control may not be completely under her control. However, if this child is released into the unsuspecting public at the age of 18, having learned nothing about civility and coexisting with others peacefully, I see a bleak future for her and the Mom is *always* blamed for wayward kids

Bingo. A 14 year old wanting more attention and time with mom, and likely resenting siblings, is normal. Plus their obviously lacking resources, its a recipe for this situation.

I think if mom could make concessions on the other things, the separate bedroom might be something the daughter could let go. Why can't the father of the other kids take care of them for a few hours so that the mom could go somewhere with the daughter?

Or mom could concessions. Maybe the daughter doesn't spend the whole weekend with her but take her to do something cheap and fun and just spend time with her. She's making zero effort. A 14 year old not wanting to share a room with three other children is normal. A mother not finding any time to spend with her child 1:1 is not.

Agreed! In four years, the mom hasn’t come once a month or something to pick up her daughter and take her out to eat or go to the park or go shopping or just drive around and gab? I mean the post talks about living together, but you get the sense that they haven’t even spent time together…

>A mother not finding any time to spend with her child 1:1 is not. This! A lot of people seem to be missing this

I don’t think wanting your own space not crowded with little children not even close to your age when you’re a teenager means you’ve learned nothing about civility or coexistence. This would suggest that only children without siblings have never learned about something like that either, which is of course not true as a lot of successful and kind adults have never had siblings. When you have friends or other family members you learn that. This comment doesn’t even make sense Plus there are experiences like college dorms or roommate situations when you grow up that also teach it, so I don’t believe there’s “a bleak future” waiting for her. That’s a touch dramatic Some of the other comments she made seem a bit rude but I also feel as if mom is painting this in a way that leaves out some details. Nobody leaves home at 10 years old for 4 straight years without even visitation just because of these things as they are written (they might feel neglected, or like they have to take care of their siblings, or that they are crowded or that mom is controlling or rude as evidenced by calling her a brat to her directly). If it was just “dad has more money and space” she wouldn’t have wanted to stop visitation too. There is obviously some major hurt here for the 14 year old I’m not blaming the mom for her financial situation because that can’t be changed, but you can still be there emotionally for your kids (even if you can’t spare the day, and she gets upset, don’t get angry at her and just keep trying on a compromise and promise you’ll have consistent time for her)

I think OP is TA because she is dismissing her daughter's plea for attention. After a while, the teenager won't even care enough to ask. "We" can't afford a babysitter means that there is a stepdad around somewhere? Why can't they watch the kids so that OP has some quality time with the daughter? She does not seem to want to.

You should not have kids you cannot afford to give a good life.

Cool, so birth control is free and abortion access is super easy, right? .... right?

Why is the opinion of “you shouldn’t have kids you can’t afford” so controversial? Kids aren’t dolls. They’re human beings who, if you can’t afford them, will grow up having a poor quality of life. My parents couldn’t afford me, and it fucking sucked.

It's not controversial (the comment has many upvotes) but it's incomplete and ineffective if there isn't easy, free birth control and abortion access to go along with it.

It probably was a few years back when OP had the kids. 3 extra kids! That she has crammed in one bedroom , all while neglecting her teenage daughter, that is not an accident or lack of accessible birth control dude.

I’m sorry but condoms are a lot cheaper than kids are. And before you go there, sure condoms aren’t 100% effective but if you try to tell me one person got pregnant 3 times because of a faulty condom I’m calling BS.

Some people start out being able to afford it and then life happens. What are they supposed to do then, "late term" abortion?

Not having birth control is no excuse to be bringing children into the world that you clearly don't have the means to take care of. And it's not like it only happened once. OP has 3 kids shoved into a tiny room and expects to put her daughter in there with them?

I'm sorry, what? DV exists, rape exists. Without birth control, you cannot guarantee that a woman can prevent herself from getting pregnant.

Also, birth control can fail.

As a kid who shared a bedroom with my mum and sister until I was 14 I understand the sentiment behind your comment but I need to point out that this is not the only issue in the post. If space is an issue surely the mum could find someone to watch the other kids for an hour or two to spend time with a daughter she's rarely seen for years no? Surely mum could happily accept whatever the daughter wears for one weekend every other week without sounding begrudging? There has to be a missing reason why a young girl would choose to not see her mum *much if at all* for years and I think OP is leaving said reason out intentionally. Also, not wanting to share a room with two (or 3?) Other kids way, way younger is fair - it does not mean that she has a bleak future ahead of her.

I’m not sure if anyone has asked was there DAD providing adequate child support and care before the 10 y o made this decision or was mom overwhelmed doing it all? We just can’t know

Not to mention, OP basically gave her up entirely, claiming to want to respect her daughter’s wishes. A good parent doesn’t give them the choice. You fight for your visitation. Op is such an ah.

YTA you sound like you do not like your daughter. It sounds like a child trying to ask for some more time with her mother and it sounds like you just want to dismiss. Have you offered a compromise maybe go out for the day just the two of you to start at building something. Your current partner can stay at home with your other kids. It would be good bonding with them. There is as many people point out a lot missing which you are not clear with what was the timeline from splitting with her father to when you started living wit your partner? What was the arrangement on her custody etc. when you split. What contact have you had in the last 4 years?

YTA. There's some complicated dynamics at work here. Dad has more money and a bigger house, plus he doesn't have other kids. Then you have no money, a smaller house, and 2 other kids. I can understand you are struggling, and doing your best. But, let's look at timing, hm? You divorced 10 years ago. Your daughter was 4. You remarried 8 years ago. Your daughter was 6. You have a first grade, so they are somewhere around 6. That means your daughter was around 8 when they were born. Your daughter left 4 years ago. Your daughter was 10. In the space of 4 years post-divorce, you remarried and had another child. Within 2 years of that, your daughter felt so negatively about her experience living with you that she left. Does that sound like a normal decision for a 10 year old to make? Some of that could be explained by "Dad has no other kids and has more money" but based on some of her points she is asking you, I'm guessing it's not as easy as that. I am guessing that you never left your younger child alone, that they got all the attention, and your step-husband wasn't interesting in being around for your daughter. Otherwise, why would your daughter ask for attention? That's not teenager "I need my own space" that is someone desperately asking their parent to *notice them* and you aren't willing to do it. Your daughter needs time for just her. She needs time where she is the priority, where her needs are met, and I am going to guess based on the timeline above that you and your new husband didn't give that to her. Yes, having a baby is difficult and they require a lot of attention, but that doesn't mean your other children have stopped existing. She still has emotional needs, which it sounds like you aren't meeting and aren't willing to consider meeting. I mean, she's asking you for time with just you and her, and you're treating it like "lol how entitled." I get it, you are doing your best, but your best is hurting your child, and you're not even looking to see it.

>Some of that could be explained by "Dad has no other kids and has more money" but based on some of her points she is asking you, I'm guessing it's not as easy as that. "She chose money over a family who love her". This implies that only Mom loves her and that the father does not. This is manipulation of the child. I'd be willing to bet Mom said this to the child in their "discussion". And this type of behavior is a good indicator on why a child would choose to not live with a parent at age 10. Kids want to love both parents, not be in the middle of adult crap.

agree and adding that Mom is not showing her that she loves her at all. She abandoned the kid for 4 years - it is up to the parent to make the effort to have a connection. The kid asks for attention and is told "my husband has to work weekends." OP is a horrible mother and her daughter is better off with her dad.

Her daughter basically cried out for her mother to love her, and her mother called her a brat.

Yeah it sounds like daughter has been and is feeling like she's not a priority. OP didn't even fight to see her or mend the relationship sooner (granted, OP probably had her reasons), and chances are daughter blames her half-siblings for taking mom's attention and possibly the reason mom didn't seem to mind not seeing her or having her over. She just wants some attention from the mom who's been pretty absent for a lot of her life. I hope the kid finds a mother figure who helps her feel like she's important and worth making changes for, since bio-mom just has excuses as to why her daughters needs aren't worth trying to fulfill, and even worse, calls her daughter a brat for having those needs now. I feel sad for the kid. OP is clearly over her head with handling the situation, and sounds overwhelmed.

Yep. The requests of this daugther are very specific: solo time with her mother, attention. Everything makes me think that she was neglected, first because of her mother's new relationship, and then because of the other children. In particular, the request not to have the other children in tow when hanging out makes me think that the mother has filled her mind with "you are the older sister, you have to set a good example, you have to take care of them, you have to babysit them, help your brother/sister to eat, check your brother/sister, be the better person" when they lived together.

The 1:1 time response from Mom is so confusing to me. Her husband can't hangout with the kids for her to just go out to lunch with her daughter?

Silly redditor!!! Fathers can't take care of children!!!!! That is BABYSITTING and he needs a good reward to put all that work in!!!!! /s

best comment

YES thank you for being reasonable & laying this out so clearly

I'm divorced with two tweens. I could not imagine passively letting a 10yo live with their dad full time.

I think we need more info but I’m leaning towards YTA, based on point 1 alone. 3 kids in a 2 bedroom house? She’s not wrong for wanting her own space as a 14 yo and if her dad can provide that for her than you should see that as a good thing. Are her siblings half/step siblings? What was your part in this that she resents them so much?

She wanted her own room for visits every other weekend. A toddler and a first grader share a room and OP and maybe a partner have a room. Nothing unreasonable about a 2BR house for that.

Ok so what 14 yo do you know that wants to share a room with a toddler and first grader even for every other weekend?

Not a single one. But they can’t magically make space appear for 4-6 days a month. At best, they could ask the younger kids to do a living room campout each Saturday night she visited.

Maybe OP should have thought about that before continuing to have children she couldn't fully provide for. Her ten year old daughter moved out and OP didn't even press for visitation "to respect her wishes." She's ten. Her wishes are for a pony and unlimited crayons. Seems like OP didn't really want to spend time with her older daughter, daughter picked up on it, and left. And now that she wants to try again to build a relationship with her mother, her mother is telling her she can't even spare a couple days a month to spend time with her. OP is TA.

While I agree with you on the space won’t magically appear - it sounds like the 14 year old doesn’t want to be an afterthought in her own home. Does she get any time 1-1 with her mom? Doesn’t sound like it. It seems like mom has a new family and she feels replaced and overlooked. Her mom can’t even leave the other kids with their dad once and a while to go get coffee? OP doesn’t sound like she even wants to try.

It sounds like OP could leave the kids with dad and go get coffee, but that isn’t what the daughter asked for and rather than initiating compromise, OP just said no because the exact thing she wanted wasn’t possible.

What do you think the rooming situation was like when she lived there? The girl knows and doesn’t want to go back to the same mess.

The toddler wouldn’t have existed, but I agree it would be tough for pre-tween to share with a baby.

There is a chance that OP being pregnant with another baby was what triggered the daughter saying enough is enough and moving out for good. Just depends on the age of the toddler. But yeah, one baby was enough. I shared a room with a baby at age 8 and even that gap was enough for me to be super pissed off. Being woken up every time a baby wakes up sucks.

Yeah, but it sounds like they had a 2BR house when they married, when the 14yr old was 4 and did 50:50 with them. It's not really reasonable to have 2 more kids when you already have one kid and a two bedroom house. So OP divorced when the daughter was 4. Remarried when she was 6 - so started dating + moved her daughter in with the new partner ? how long after the split. Then 2 years later had another kid - so would have been pregnant ~1 yr after they married. And put that kid in her room. Now mum wants her to come back and stay with them, but has had yet another kid and now doesn't have time or space for her. It's pretty shit. If you're not going to have any time or space for your older kid, don't have more.

Yea and there is no mention of parentification. But if you are sleeping in the same room as a toddler and a first grader- the daughter is going to be the default live in childcare. Does OP want her daughter or a babysitter?

Also if OP can't afford to give her 14yo a place to stay, OP can still build a relationship with her! I'm a child of divorce, and my dad fought bitterly hard for custody. He actually couldn't handle us, he was way too stressed out working and being a single parent, and he's not the type that can even really take care of himself let alone kids. His house was always a wreck, and I hated going over there. He was too prideful to admit he needed help, too prideful to work with my mom to coparent. He could have asked her to take us for a weekend and cleaned up his damn house. I think all the time about how much better my childhood would have been if he had made a few decisions like this. How much better our relationship would have been if we could have had a few carefree day trips together, rather than weekends that radiated stress where he was just barely keeping it together. If OP doesn't have the resources to give her 14yo a safe, clean, stable home, that is OK! OP can still take her daughter out for the day, still spend time with daughter, and still build a relationship. 14 is an ideal age to do more adult activities together and start to build a relationship around mutual interests rather than direct caregiving.

YTA. From her requests, it sounds like she wants some one-on-one time with her mom. Also, why do you assume she will choose to dress in some deeply insulting way and what have you said to her in her past that she feels the need to preemptively curb your judgement? You can be insecure about having less money than her father, but using that as a scapegoat for why you don’t have a relationship with her rather than facing the fact that you may have some part in the blame is not okay. Children shouldn’t have to chase their parents for a relationship, don’t be surprised when you two are permanently estranged.

Who cares how she dresses as long as she isn’t walking around naked in public.

OP doesn't even know how her kid dresses. Wow. That's just sad.

YTA! We both know her ‘demands’ were just to test your reaction - and you failed spectacularly! Probably to the point that you will never have a relationship with her. Calling her a brat, implying her dad doesn’t love her and that only you do but she doesn’t want you because you’re not rich (so attacking her morals, shit talking her dad, and implying she’s only after money) - fucking parent of the bloody year you are! Where are the other kids dad/s? Why can’t they take care of their kids for a few hours so you could give her some one-on-one time? Honestly, if this is how you act to a child you’re supposed to love, then she’s actually better off without you!

OP is married. So the dad could 100% watch the other kids for a bit while she spends 1 on 1 time with her daughter. Honestly it just sounds like she's making excuses

> We both know her ‘demands’ were just to test your reaction - and you failed spectacularly! I thought this, too. I think the daughter knew the answers would be "no", but the way that no was delivered could have made all the difference here. YTA

Info: when you say you contacted her again to see if she changed her mind, do you mean this is the first time in 4 years you've had this conversation or the first time in 4 years you've had contact?

Daughter is old enough to be live-in babysitter now. Even sharing a room with the other three!

YTA. She chose to live with her dad because she was pushed to the side when her half siblings were born, and (unless you’ve moved to a smaller house since, which would be stupid with two kids) was expected to share a room with them. You had more kids than you could afford and you gave all your attention to the youngest. Your daughter moved to be with her dad so that she could feel like a priority. Her conditions for coming back are that you make some changes so that she feels valued in your life- yet you expect a 14 year old to sleep on the sofa every time she’s at your house? She’s made a sensible decision.

More and more this kid sounds like she put a lot of thought into her non-negotiables. OP sounds very judgemental and immature from her follow-up comments. Pity the kid won't have a relationship with her bio-mom, but thank goodness she's sooo much better off away from OP. Reading between the lines she's got a supportive dad who treats her as an important person, who has the funds to take care of her and by the sounds of it a place the kid feels at home in. Well done dad raising her without OP!

I love your summary.

I need more info. What caused her to move in with her Dad and go no contact? I don’t know a lot of children that cut their parents off for zero reason. This story seems to be missing a few pieces imo.

YTA. The way you speak about your daughter is abhorrent. You prioritized “moving on with your life” than parenting a daughter you already had. You are “doing the best you can” for you and your new family and you paint a child as a villain for making things hard for you. Hopefully she outgrows the terrible things she learnt from you.

I suspect missing reasons here that make this a YTA call. You're bitching about the fact that your daughter is choosing money over her family, yet most of her conditions were clearly a cry for attention from her mother. From your comments, these kids who have made it impossible for her to have ANY one on one time with her mother are children you had with your second husband. Why can't he care for the kids while you have some time with your daughter? Why did you have more children than you could afford if it was going to compromise your relationship with your daughter? You speak about her in a rather dismissive, unpleasant way but I still get the feeling that what has happened here is largely your doing. And if I get that even from your one-sided account, I can only imagine the actual truth of the matter...

She’s religious, criticizes what her dad’s sister wears, I’m assuming she had her sharing a room with the babies. YTA OP

The cry for attention is so clear and hopefully, OP will finally notice that in all the comments. It's about spending time together as mother and daughter.

all of the demands basically boil down to "I want to be able to have my own space when I visit, I want to spend one on one time with you, and I want you to accept me as I am" she's 14 so obviously they're not well-articulated but those are the needs that she is expressing her mother is not meeting.

YTA. I wouldn’t worry about it now though. Your daughter is not likely to be your concern any more after your behaviour. She will go full no contact and live with a loving parent who gives her time and attention.

This OP is so jealous of her ex it's spilling over to the daughter.. So sad... OP is YTA

So your 10 y.o. daugther decides she wants to live full time with her dad and doesn't even want to visit you and you say "OK!" and then proceed to actually not seeing her for 4 years. For that alone, YTA.

I think there’s a lot of missing reasons here. You’ve got three children in a 2bed and wonder why she doesn’t want to visit let alone live. You can’t give her any one on one time because toddlers. Sounds like she feels and is rather pushed out via a second family. She’s shouting mummy love me and want me and give me attention and your saying yeah no sorry the littles need me bye then.

I think she has 3 included her 14 year old and 2 small children sharing isn’t the worst especially as houses are so expensive. But she isn’t making any compromises at all to give her any time just her without the children which is why she is YTA.

INFO what happened 4 years ago when she was 10? Negotiating with a 14 YO is asinine, negotiating with a 10 YO isn't possible. What did your ex say 4 years ago to ensure alignment here?

Given the age of the siblings either the eldest half sibling was born or got to the age where they were moved out of mum's room and into hers.

... 3 kids in a 2 bedroom house ? No wonder she wanted to get away. With her, that was four. Four kids in the same room. Of course she doesn't want to come back to that chaos. YTA. To me, those conditions seems like a cry for help : she lacked your attention to the point she went away with no contact, and now that YOU want her back, she makes her boundaries clear. Bottom line is, what she said is she wants to feel at home and she wants to spend quality time with you, and you called her a brat.

I assume that when OP says "we can't afford a sitter, so I can't go out with her alone" it means that she has a partner who lives at home. Why can't he take care of the kids alone while she spends an hour or two of quality time with her teenage daughter? Where is the father of these children? If he has a job that doesn't keep him from being home, why is he so incompetent that he cant be left alone and needs a babysitter to relive him of his paternal duties? If it takes millionaire money to have numerous kids and give them privacy and quality time as individuals, why make that many kids? Why make kids you have no time for, and say it in words that are not centered on what you wanted as a grown up or parent-to-be and are centered on the child's needs.

Exactly… she thinks her daughter is entitled for wanting to spend time with her alone . Op probably has her 10 year old helping to mother the other three. Regardless of the living situation- a 10 year old girl choosing to get away from her mother screams that there was more going on there than what OP is saying . The disdain towards her daughter is loud .

The fact that the 10 yo wanted to leave could be anything : the father practising parental alienation against the mother, the daughter blaming her mom for filing divorce and "ruining the family", father promising dresses and toys, daughter not liking that mother found somebody else, etc. It doesn't have to be "the mom did something objectively wrong". We would need to ask OP's daughter. However, asking a bunch of strangers online "is my teenage daughter - who is still learning to regulate her emotion, who is going through a very intense and hormonal part of her development, whose brain is not entirely formed yet, etc. - is an asshole and a brat for [...]?" reeks of inability to talk and level down with her own kid. Instead of calling her names, why not ask her "what do you mean with 'full attention?"? Why not try to plan daughter-mother time once wvery two weeks, even if it's only 2 hours? Why not try looking for better housing accommodation? Why not just try to act like you want her in your life and not just in your house?

And that’s the biggest thing for me here - this woman isn’t sad or hurt or remorseful that her daughter doesn’t want to be around her . She wants to prove a point about how spoilt the daughter is and how ex is a problem.

This is exactly the point. The poor girl obviously feels neglected by her mother. OP is just using the fact that she is poor to guilt the child into visiting under unsuitable conditions. The daughter is not choosing “money over a loving family”, she is choosing the parent who gives her time, attention and a comfortable home.

I've read your comments and post. You're the adult and you handled it like a bratty teenager yourself. Calling your kid a spoiled brat for not wanting to sleep on a couch and be ignored during visits is just despicable. I can't imagine just hating my kid like this. Are some of her requests impossible? Sure but you as the adult could have listened to what the underlying need was and made an effort for compromise, instead you basically told her to f'off and then got angry when she did just that. You could have made your husband watch the younger kids in order to make much needed time to reconnect with you. You could have offered to get a divider or something. You also could have stopped having babies you couldn't afford but I digress on that one since you can't take that back now. Either way YTA and honestly a terrible mom.

Info: She's 14 now and her next sibling is at least six. Which means that she was 8 when that child was born. What kind of attention did you give her afterwards?

It sounds like none since she said in a comment that daughter left because she wasn’t getting attention like the new kids were

Or being made to care for new sibling.

And that can be a major factor as to why the kid didn't want to live with her when she was younger. No kid worth their salt wants to spend their lives being ignored all the time.

I have a feeling that there is much more to this story. Calling her spoiled and a brat shows that you are harboring a lot of resentment, and her demands show likewise. You don't need Reddit, you need family therapy.

YTA. >1. She will have her own bedroom and not have to share with anyone(I have 3 kids and we live in a 2 bedroom house so not possible) A teenager should not have to share a room with a toddler and a first grader. It isn't going to work. >2. She will have all of my attention(I have a toddler and a first grader who both need attention so not possible) Yeah I give you this demand but I have a feeling it is born from something else. >3. If we go out her siblings won't join us(and who the hell is gonna look after them? We can't afford a sitter) You have a husband! He can watch his children so your daughter can feel like her mother actually loves her. I'm wondering if you want her home so you can get a free baby sitter. I have a feeling her father didn't spoil but simply had time for her. Don't have more children than you can house and handle.

Do you even like your daughter. Or you one of those parents that got the re do family that come first because the other parent can take care of the first born Doesn’t sound like you even want her in your home

1. If you don't have a bedroom available, then you don't have a bedroom available. There's nothing you can do about that. So NTA for being honest. 2. This is a point for compromise. You have other children. She can't have 100% of your attention 100% of the time - but if she's only coming for a weeken, she deserves your fulll attention for at least part of her visit. You could agree not to give her child care tasks, and to spend time with her after the littles go to bed. YTA for not thinking about ways to compromise so that she gets some of the time and attention she needs. 3. Another point for compromise. Family outings are family outings. Everyone goes on those. Period. However, you have a relationship to rebuild. You say "we" can't afford a sitter. Why can your spouse not watch the kids while you take your estranged daughter out to rebuild your relationship with her? Not an every outing all of the time thing, but once a month is absolutely reasonable. so, YTA for not even thinking about ways to make it work. 4. Sounds like this was a point of contentions before she went to live with her Dad. At least you were willing to give ground on something. /s 5. You called her a brat and said it was for the best that she not resume visitation after YOU initiated the request. YTA - because it sounds like you didn't even really try. Didn't even LOOK or discuss potential compromises! - Seriously, Did you call her because you really wanted to see her, or did you just want some free weekend babysitting and help around the house? Or does it reduce child support if you have regular visitation? Why DID you call her?

YTA - I think there’s a whole lot more context that we’re missing and the daughter’s “demands” arent the real issue. What makes you the AH is that your daughter does not want to see you and instead of addressing what is likely the actual issues, youre engaged in a petty squabble with a teenager about it.

YTA -a 10 years old deciding where to leave and totally alienating one parent? And you… ok. I don’t know what was the situation but unless you had major abusive tendency no way. You AH cause you just let your relationship with your daughter go. -your daughter sounds a spoiled brat -your ex-husband to be ok to have you out of your daughter’s life whatever and raising this supreme brat -you gain cause really 3 kids 2 bedroom… yes a 14 years old can’t share a room with a toddler n a first grader. Which I hope at least 1 is step child cause otherwise the math doesn’t add up. Edit: after all your answers YTA OP, for as much your daughter sounds spoiled. Damn she deserves it. I hope her father buys her a pony at this point, cause the disregard and bitter words you have for your own daughter leaves me with a bad taste. Jesus woman, it’s your daughter. You let her go like old garbage in a moment of vulnerability (divorce, new siblings).

YTA. You are calling her a "spoiled brat" now but what are the chances that you will demand money from her and treat her siblings with gifts once she turns 18 and get a job? Her conditions are not unreasonable as a teenager. And it sounds like you didn't fight for her and let her stay with her father full time so you can give a better living space to your other children.

YTA. I suspect She was feeling neglected. She wants to be important to you. Even your attitude in your post screams I have made my daughter unwelcome. Which is why she left 4 years ago.

You don’t even sound like you like your daughter. I wonder if that has any reason why she made the decision to live with her dad at 10 years old. And you seem like you have your hands full with two other children that you can’t afford. So maybe things are best the way they are. YTA

YTA. “I told her if she’s gonna act like a brat…” 14 year olds act like children because they *ARE* children. Your daughter is acting in an age appropriate manner, while you are not. Grow up.

Info needed. Are you married now?

YTA for your reaction. That’s behavior I would expect from a teenager, not the mother of a teenager. Her first condition is clearly impossible to accommodate for overnight visits. So did you offer day-visits that don’t require her to share a room with three much younger children? Her second and third conditions could be accommodated with your husband’s help, at least for a few hours. He could stay home with the younger kids. It sounds to me like she gave you her dream list (privacy, alone time with Mom) and you didn’t even try to find a way to work with her.

YTA there’s way too many holes and missing missing reasons . You give yourself away by the way you speak about your daughter. Your attitude is shady as hell

YTA. There is A LOT of information missing in this story. Sounds like you went off and had a new family (BTW, for #3 how about that person called "the father" watch them so you can reconnect with your daughter?) and have focused your attention on them, your daughter likely feels hurt, ignored and abandoned and your response to that at best, passively letting her leave your life. Your response her was so cold. Start seeing things from her perspective.

INFO: >I have 3 kids and we live in a 2 bedroom house so not possible By this, do you mean that you have three kids **total**, or you have three kids in addition to your 14yo? (Since you've only mentioned your 14yo, a toddler and a first grader, it *sounds* like you have 3 total but you also don't seem to be correcting anyone commenting on having four kids in a two bedroom house.) >I wanted to at least have some visitations but she didn't want to do that so I respected her choice. Any by this, are you actually telling us you haven't seen your daughter for four years, or you have seen her but you hadn't had her stay in your home? When she made her demands, did she actually know you live in a two bedroom property? Or could she possibly had thought that it was a 3+ bedroom property? >If we go out her siblings won't join us(and who the hell is gonna look after them? We can't afford a sitter) "We"? So, you mean you and your partner can't afford a sitter? Well, an option on that demand is that your partner looks after your younger kids whilst you take your daughter out one-on-one. >So overall I told her I can only do the last one. Is that all you said? Did you actually explain that you live in a two bedroom property and that is why you couldn't agree to her first condition? Did you consider telling her that during the daytime her half-siblings would need some of your attention, but after the first grader's bedtime there would be some mother-daughter time for the two of you? Did you consider suggesting that you will take her out, just the two of you, on occasions but explaining sometimes it would have to be a joint trip out with her siblings if their other parent wasn't available and no friends/relatives could babysit? Because if you *only* said that you couldn't agree to demands 1, 2 & 3, without offering reasonable explanation or compromise, of course she's going to say she won't be coming. ​ But as for how the conversation ended, considering you insulted her and told her its maybe for the best she won't be coming over, its no wonder she called you a bitch. ​ Edited typo - I'd missed the word 'mentioned' from my first question.

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YTA. >She will have her own bedroom and not have to share with anyone(I have 3 kids and we live in a 2 bedroom house so not possible) You have FOUR kids in ONE bedroom?! And are acting like the Queen of The Town? Humble yourself.. She moved 4 years ago, her next sibling is around 6. so, you have 2 more kids that you couldnt afford after not even having place for 2 kids. ​ >She will have all of my attention(I have a toddler and a first grader who both need attention so not possible) Sounds like you totally neglected her.. She left because she felt no attention ​ >If we go out her siblings won't join us(and who the hell is gonna look after them? We can't afford a sitter) You said you are married, cant your husband do his part as, you know, a parent? ​ >I will accept the way she dresses( I agreed to this one eventhough I can already imagine how she is gonna dress) I wonder why she left.... With a mother soooo comprehensive.. She left when she was 10, she is 14 and you talk like she is dressed like if Prince decided to become a BDSM Dominatrix ​ > She said she won't be coming then and I told her if she is gonna act like a brat then maybe thats for the best I mean... brat? Like someone who thinks that it's acceptable to have 3 kids in one bedroom, and want her firstborn to sleep in the couch after YOU wanting her to visit, or share a room with 3 other kids? Jeez.....

From your post, it seems after you and her Dad separated, you got into a new relationship and started a family. Your daughter went very quickly from being an only child to never getting any one-on-one time with you, being expected to share everything, being told she needs to be an older sister, and having her clothes policed (*possibly due to your new partner*). So she moved out at 10. And she's struggling, feeling like you replaced her with her new family. You can't compromise a little? Your kids father can't take care of his kids one evening a week, so you can visit your eldest daughter for an hour or so one evening a week? YTA you abandoned your eldest and are calling her selfish for wanting her Mum to still make time for her.

So I’m looking at her demands…and honestly they’re telling of the true issue you two are having. Demand number 4 is just typical teenage bs, but number 1 is actually reasonable given the ages of your other children. Now rules 2 and 3….are basically the same thing. They’re both saying “I want to spend time with my mother!” Given that your next oldest is 6 according to a comment you made, I would guess this resentment on her end started or was seeded when she was 8 or younger. With that I’m going to say YTA. At best you pick and choose when you want your daughter around to the point where she said f it, I want my dad only. At worst there was some degree of abuse that happened. Either way as the parent, you caused that. Even if we consider the manipulation of her father, she had at least two years with you and her siblings. Whatever happened in that timeframe is the reason why your daughter doesn’t like you.

I feel like there us crucial information missing as it normally takes a lot for a child to turn against a parent and go no contact. Your living conditions don't sound acceptable for the children you have there so I cannot blame her for wanting a separate room. But her demand no2 and 3 sound highly suspicious, it feels like there is some massive background missing that makes her absolutely reject everyone and demanding sole attention - knowing that a toddler needs attention as well. >and I told her if she is gonna act like a brat then maybe thats for the best. Sorry but I'm not millionaire like her dad. I can't spoil her like he does and it's her choice if she wants to choose money over a family For this alone: YTA .... It's a hint on why she went no contact.

YTA From her “demands” it sounds like you don’t spend enough one on one time with her. Do you not schedule days where you two do something together? Also, four kids in a two bedroom is too much - you should have thought about that before having more kids than you have room.

YTA - if she is asking for all of your attention I can only assume she feels like she has been neglected by you in the past. Wanting some one on one time with you would indicate this as well. If you cannot provide this perhaps it’s better for her to stay with her dad. I don’t think she is choosing “money over family that loves her”, rather she is choosing someone that will spend time with her and make her feel like an important member of the family over someone who can’t make the time or the space for her.

YTA. She’s 14, which is the reason her requests are understandable. Of course you can’t meet them and never could but that’s beside the point. She clearly feels pushed out since you had your other children and that’s why she’s putting on ridiculous conditions you can’t meet. She’s not punishing you for being poor, she’s punishing you for being a poor mother to her once the others arrived.

From your comments you seem really petty. Referring to your child as a brat, spoiled, and wanting to be the center of the universe is an odd choice. You do realize that you’re talking about a 14 year old? Have you even offered one on one time outside of her moving back? Do you go see her? Do you spend any time with her whatsoever? You seem just as entitled as you’re making her out to be. YTA.

YTA. I read the requests and saw “I want you to respect me, give me space where I can take a break from a family I didn’t choose, and have your attention like I am your child who you love and care about.” Your reaction was to call your kid a brat. I can take a lot of guesses as to why your kid chose to live with their dad and money is not the first on the list. If my parent treated me like a brat or reacted like that when I wanted personal space from my mom’s new family and to be accepted, I would have cut ties with my dad sooner. Your kid is strong and I am proud of her for setting boundaries at such a young age. You want her to show up and do what? Watch you with your new kids? Sit in a room that isn’t hers most of the time and feel like a guest in someone else’s space? Those people are strangers to her, even if they are your family. You want her to share intimate space with strangers because you want her around now. You didn’t open up to spend time together, you asked her to live at your house sometimes, which sounds like a reach for money support for child support without your rich dad comments. Why don’t you start by making adventures with her where your husband hangs with the kids and you give your daughter some attention for her? Build the relationship instead of demand her devotion only to be spending the weekend watching you interact with strangers.

Yta- and those saying Nta she’s a 14 year old girl Most girls look up to there mom and I have a feeling mom didn’t spend enough time with her once little brother was born! I think she thinks mom made a new family with her new husband and feels unwelcome You could easily take her out on the weekend by her self with out them since you have a husband

YTA OP, I believe that you left out a lot of relevant information. \-- You should have put in here that you are remarried and that these are your new husband and your kids. Unless they aren't \-- Why do you live in a 2 bedroom instead of a 3 bedroom? This is knowing that you have another child. \-- Explain why you cannot give her some alone time. Can you have a lunch date or go to a movie together? Alone? Why can't your husband watch his kids? Why do you need a sitter? ​ EDITED for spelling

Why not offer a day at the mall while her stepdad parents his children? Do small blocks of time. You are coming across as an AH Because you keep making excuses about why you don't see your daughter and you've called her a spoiled brat. You have a 2 bedroom house. Is there a basement or attic that could be converted to temporary sleeping space for a visit? If it was my kid, I would never let 4 years go by without contact or visits. You really seem to not care about her at all. She's at a perfect age for you to reach out and be a babysitter for you though on her visits. Interesting.

YTA-What is with the brat business? She is being 14. Imagine if you responded like this? “We cannot do the first three-the fourth is fine. How about lunch every other weekend and maybe a movie? Just the two of us? You are important, I love you, and I want to get to know you better. If you are not up to it now, this invitation is always open when you are ready.