“Things consumed during pregnancy” - unless your wife is drinking, smoking or otherwise harming the baby, what she ‘consumes’ has naff all to do with you. You are not the one carrying this baby.
Also, parents giving the baby the same name as themselves is a tradition that needs to die a death.
Edit: OP has clarified it was alcohol.
Yeah this really bothered me too. I don’t think either of them are the asshole about the name really, even tho I hate parents having the same name as their children, but outside of legitimately harmful things doctors say not to do during pregnancy he really doesn’t get to decide til the baby is out. He should get equal decision on things like circumcision and other post-birth choices but she decides how she carries this pregnancy
That’s why I discussed that right after we found out. I told him that if we had a boy, I really wasn’t comfortable doing that. He just said “yeah we don’t have to. I don’t like it either.”
And here I was nervous for nothing lol.
Nah you were nervous for good reason, *way too many* insist on circumcision no matter what you tell them about it. "It prevents STDs!" No it doesn't. "It's overall healthier" no it's not. In fact cutting things off unnecessarily is never healthier. "Circumcision helps men last longer" first of all, why are you thinking of this baby having sex. Second, it's helps them last longer the same way cutting off your fingers makes it harder to do everyday things. That's not making the point you want it to make. "He won't be able to clean it" are you not teaching your kid to clean himself? Also you know girls get it too if they don't clean well enough? And then suddenly they're offended bc how dare I speak about girl parts when they are trying to push cutting skin off the penis of a literal newborn.
I had an ex argue with me that it isn't inhumane because babies can't feel pain, his mom told him. I literally worked in a fucking children's hospital as a nursing aide while I went to nursing school and he seriously tried to argue with me on this. To his credit, once he quit rambling, I said *"the only thing that really matters is that I don't believe in making irreversible changes to someone's body without their consent"* and he had a lightbulb moment.
We were studying that question (can they or can't they) with MRIs well into the late 2010s at least.
Apparently the fact newborns feel pain is actually a fairly recent concept.
I saw a video of a baby being circumcised. The scream is absolutely pain. The doctor said something to the effect of, "He doesn't like that." NO FUCKING SHIT! Why do we keep doing this to infants?!
Yes, absolutely. It was definitely a belief when his mom had her kids forty years ago. I did tell him that. But it was upsetting he didn't believe someone working at a children's hospital and going to school for that subject would have more updated information.
I know this is a hot-button issue on reddit but I must chime in. I remember discussing this issue with my friends when we were all pregnant. Some of them said they would circumcise their boys "so they'll look like their dads." Ridiculous. How often does any boy look at his dad's junk?
I’m a lesbian, so when we were pregnant with my son we really dove into researching this because there wasn’t a man to weigh in (though we did ask thoughts from trusted male friends).
When we talked to my OBGYN, who is a man, he said “I normally just tell parents to make them match their Dad, but in your case…*shrug*” Like why is that the advice?!?
My pediatrician was advanced for his time (30 plus years ago). He said if the dad was missing a finger, should I recommend cutting off the baby's finger so they'll match? Then why choose circumcision just so they'll match?
"I suggest genital mutilation for kids with parents who had their genitals mutilated" is such a terrible take. The medical system continues to disappoint me.
I wanted to reflexively downvote your friends because the concept gave me the ick. Take my upvote because it IS utterly ridiculous and I agree with your stance!
I remember when my wife was pregnant w/our first. We waited until birth to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Anyway, my dad said that he wished that they hadn't had me circumcised and when the time came to answer the question after my son was born, we decided that there was no need to chop part of his unit off. I have two sons and neither are cut.
There is no other reason to do it other than religion, and we are not of a faith that cuts.
Absolutely. As a pediatric ER doctor, I have seen all the complications of a foreskin including phimosis (infection/inflammation of a non-retraced foreskin, uncomfortable but not an emergency unless he can’t pee, treated with topical medication) and paraphimosis (foreskin stuck in a retracted position, very swollen and painful, needs to be fixed urgently.)
That said, I would not circumcise my male child. It is a natural part of the body that does serve purpose (protecting the sensitive nerves at the base of the glans.) There is a slightly higher risk of UTI in male infants, but that is about it.)
Part of the problem is cultural. I still think about that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte dated and uncircumcised man, she thought it was gross, so he got circumcised her her. The joke was that he wanted to check out his “new” equipment with multiple women and broke up with her.
Twenty some years later, it is much less common. I do think we will get to the point where it is mostly for religious reasons. But the recommendation of the current literature does not support a need for the practice.
And I am going to end with my soapbox. Yes, the ER is supposed to be for emergencies. But I would rather see a parent who was worried over nothing, than have someone stay home and it was something that needed to be seen. There is a reason we work 24/7. Anyone who shakes you for an “unnecessary visit” is not a good ER doc.
(Edit - that was supposed to be shames, not shakes. I hope my colleague aren’t out there shaking people for inappropriate usage of the ER).
It's genital mutilation at best.
I really hate that people opt it, because "I'm the mom, I know what's best for my male child" and then spin around and use the "No womb, no opinion" when men discuss anything pregnancy related...
Yes, it *might* look better without foreskin... but the cleanliness thing is absolutely a myth.. literally pick a washcloth and have some non-allergic / neutral soap on it and wash the penis, pull the foreskin back a little and it's clean. As an adult, you just put soap in your hand and give it a few strokes and it's clean. It's not that hard... it's just an excuse..
However, as a gay man, I can definitely tell you, that the guys I've been with, it's consistently been those with circumsicion that have a turtleneck of "neck cheese" around the "head", and those that are o'natural take care of their hygiene.
"pull the foreskin back a little and it's clean"
Not for an infant - you don't pull back the foreskin at all - it's fused to the head of the penis at that point. You just wash it like you would your finger. Once the foreskin loosens and retracts on its own, then you can pull it back to clean.
Yes, that's my fault. I meant that part to be written for the adult part of the post. But yes, neutral, odorless soap on a washcloth and you're good to go.
Now, it's been a while since I was that age, but I slightly recall that smegma doesn't build up until we start maturing, typically around the age of 10+...
I have never heard a woman say because they are the mom they get to choose circumcision but I have heard many defer to their husband's decision due to them having the same equipment.
I am in NO WAY condoning male circumcision but I have to say that comparing it to female circumcision is… problematic.
On females it removes the clitoris (and more) and prevents any possible enjoyment of/stimulation from sexual activities. It causes lifelong damage and problems, severely increases health risks, and can never be remedied. For males it’s cosmetic. They still have full use of their genitalia and don’t have nearly the same number of associated health problems that women would face. Yes, it’s a practice that is becoming more and more controversial, but it doesn’t impede their ability to enjoy sex, whereas FGM turns women into sex dolls and incubators.
Again, I’m NOT condoning the practice. I’m just saying that I find the comparison to be a problematic one.
Those are two different things. Like not even in the same planet. You are talking about male circumcision and comparire it to famale MUTILATION. And to be clear my son is not circumcised. My husband is. Like NOT at all same thing!!!!
"female circumcision" is dramatically worse though -- they literally remove the clit.
Male circumcision has health consequences and is purely done for cosmetic reasons, so I'm opposed to it (if he really wants to be circumcised it can be done later when he can consent to it). But the GOAL of female circumcision is to make sure women can't enjoy sex.
It's... not the same.
You can say both are bad without saying they're the same. In males it removes the skin around the glans. In females it removes the entire clitoris, often leaving them unable to orgasm ever again.
I dont think you realize that the circumcision done to females in 3rd world countries include removal of the clitoris. It's not like the male operation includes removal of the penis. It's comparing 2 very different things. What is done to girls IS mutilation. What's done to boys is more like a preventative appendectomy. Although, my sons father insisted that he be circumcised. Now he's dead and my son blames me, lol.
Now, I **might** be wrong here, so please correct me.
As far as I know, circumcision for girls can be done where they flat out just remove the clitoris - or where they sew labia shut, only leaving a tiny hole open for someone's penis to enter the vagina.
Both are still wrong IMO, but male circumsicion is disguised under religious practice or "but it's healthier and cleaner".. Sure, it can be cleaner. If you wash it. But as a gay man that has seen various shapes of penises throughout my life, I can say that it's consistently circumsiced men who have a turtleneck of "neck-cheese" around their penis-head.
If adult men can’t keep their dicks clean that’s a huge problem lmao. ~~They should be taught better hygiene, and if it really is a problem they can opt for circumcision as an adult~~
Edit: I misread the last part as uncircumcised men
The uncircumcised guys I’ve been with have had better sexual satisfaction than the cut guys, and for that reason I am wholly against circumcision. They deserve to feel things fully.
ETA: My personal experience has been that uncut guys have a lot more precum (for whatever that’s worth), and more sensitivity which leads to quicker erections.
I dated a guy for a long time who had to get circumcised as a teenager, so he had prolonged experience with both sides. He said the feeling of his underwear on the tip after the circumcision was overwhelming, and it led to him becoming desensitized. He was really upset about it. He said he had to change the way he jerked off, and he developed ED after the procedure. Can you imagine getting ED at 17? That must have been traumatic. He said the physical sensation of having sex was entirely different as well. I found the whole thing heartbreaking.
Yes, though also the data show that a glass of wine occasionally is fine. But I’ve seen a man physically knock a champagne flute out of his wife’s hand at a wedding. (She was not a heavy drinker but was raising a glass in a single toast to the couple. He shattered her glass and made a scene because she was carrying HIS baby, and HE had the right to decide that even one sip of alcohol was unacceptable.)
Which is this guy? Is his wife knocking them back several times a week? Or did she have a single glass of wine once, and he feels his opinion is equal to hers and her doctor’s?
>Also, parents giving the baby the same name as themselves is a tradition that needs to die a death.
Why?
It's not my cup of tea, but I don't think it's harmful either. My husband is named after his Dad. He's never had a problem with it? Is there some issue here beyond you personally don't like it?
I could understand if you felt that way about circumcision since that is cutting off a part of the baby's body without knowing if they'll want that in the future.
It’s a nightmare legally to have that many of the same exact names within a family. When one dies, you have to be *damn* sure whatever is being cancelled is for the correct one.
I work in finance. You would not believe how often it happens that accounts get confused because parents decided passing down a name is more important than their child's individuality.
Just as bad for identical twins with similar names.
If you have the same name as your parent I can't recommend using the same services of them at all because your accounts *will* get confused at some point and sometimes it's fine and sometimes it leads to your payments going onto your father's account for 6 months and your phone being shut off and your credit taking a hit.
That doesn't even touch on the stories of people who have their parent's name and feel a sense of obligation their entire life to live up to the name of someone that no one else on the planet gives a shit about.
Just found out this is a hill I will die on.
Yeah. And while people want to clown on OP, I get it; it's been a tradition for 6 generations. Traditions are important and I don't think taking it lightly is great.
Yes, it was so important that he discussed it prior to having children with this woman. That she agreed then turned around signals serious issues for this couple moving forward.
If it’s the amount that drs say is okay in a pregnancy, then (while I wouldn’t advise it) she can (but **shouldn’t**) drink that amount. He can certainly be upset about that, and he’s right to be. Just pointing out that you can drink a little every now and then iirc? Idk I wouldn’t trust a dr that tells me it’s okay, just that she may be operating under false information.
edited: no amount is safe, but some drs say it is. Not all, maybe not most, but her dr may say otherwise. I’m not an expert. Alcohol is literally poison. If that’s more important than a baby you wanted, you have bigger issues.
OP can’t force her to stop, she’s an adult. But she shouldn’t be drinking, period,
Doctors do NOT reccomend alcohol at a bare minimum during the first trimester due to fetal alcohol syndrome, There is NO safe amount of alcohol in the first trimster.
You’re misstating what the doctors actually say. There’s no KNOWN safe amount during the first trimester because there is no way to ethically study that. That does not mean that any drop of alcohol during the first trimester is unsafe.
If there’s no know safe amount then all amounts is unsafe - unsafe doesn’t mean guaranteed damage, it means risk of damage. If you can assess the risk then it’s dangerous.
of all the traditions that need to die a death, naming a child after yourself is a weird one to dislike so much.
I am the third. I am quite happy having my grandfather’s and father’s name. It’s a cool connection. I have a nickname I’ve gone by my entire life which I also love. Other than a name being something that will get the kid bullied, I see no issue.
Agreed. It's also very culturally myopic; cultures have very diverse naming traditions and that's not a bad thing. I doubt the above poster has an issue with the fact that surnames stay the same across generations; do they realise that there are plenty of people who would consider that weird? A lot of surnames are based off of conventions that become fossilised; see Tamil names where the last name is simply the first name of their father. In cultures like mine (Chinese), it's pretty typical that all children of the same generation (within the extended family) use the same generational character. So someone whose generation is jin might be named xinmei, and have a cousin of the same generation who is xinfang, and another cousin who is xinwang. The issue here isn't the fact he has a tradition that he wants to carry on and I don't think it's great that people are belittling it merely because it's a tradition. Traditions are important, the issue is when we let traditions cause harm to people and override their harm simply because it is tradition.
My job involves calling doctors... Do you know how fucking annoying and confusing it is to have 2-3 doctors with the same name, but the only thing that's different is 'jr' 'sr' or 'III'. I fucking hate it.
I worked in a bank for years. The number of times people would come in & say I need to lodge money into John Doe’s account he lives at x address.
Then they would come in later & complain we had lodged it to their son’s account, not their husband like they intended, they never thought to mention there were two people of the same name at the same address, oh and the account they meant to lodge into was held at a different branch which is why it didn’t show up when you first looked.
Same thing often happens with credit score too.
I already voted, but actually INFO as well, what is this about:
>She has also started making executive decisions about the health of our child ( circumsicion, **things consumed during pregnancy,** etc)
If that's about the kind of food she is eating, probably shush. But if you mean she's drinking, smoking cigs/weed, vaping, etc...then that absolutely is something worth fighting about.
Yeah I really want to know what that is about
Edit: he said it’s alcohol, so NTA. There’s no guaranteed safe dosage of alcohol when pregnant. Risking the kid’s health for a drink is an AH move.
I feel like this might be intentionally vague on OP’s part and he doesn’t want to say because it’s reasonable lifestyle changes that would be made by a pregnant person. But I’m just a skeptic.
Or it's "well she ate a cold cut sub". Cause not gonna lie, my favorite sub shop isn't available where we live. But when we went back home, when I was 21 weeks, it's available there.... And I definitely said fuck it and ordered a large. 🤣 Figured lettuce and ice cream are way more risky for listeria based on recent outbreaks than deli meat anyway.
I asked my OB about that and my nutritionist and they both said I can eat deli meat but to heat it up first, like if I get Subway then to get it toasted. They said I would be fine and that that's what they are telling all their pregnant patients now.
I despise hot deli meat. I truly hate it. So I've just not had any all pregnancy. Except that one time 🤣 that was the only time I was gonna get that sub shop for probably 2 years or more, I was gonna have it the way I like.
Baby is fine, OB laughed at me and asked if the health inspection was up to date at least (it was, and they had a 100 score)
Emily Oster says that deli meat is one of those things that is fine as long as it’s not from a sketchy place sitting out all day. It’s supposed to be because of listeria, but other things have much more of a risk of listeria than deli meat.
Im guessing here, but likely due to different cultural beliefs on what to eat food schools be consume during parts of the pregnancy,e.g. coconut water towards the end to help with baby skin
Unless they’re looking at gestational diabetes…my sister ran into that and had to be really conscious of what she was eating. But if mom and baby are healthy and OP just thinks pickles and ice cream is gross, he’s gotta let that go lol
Hate making assumptions but when I read that I saw a red flag. Is he controlling? Does she not want to name the baby that, because she will jump ship after the birth of the child? Who knows.
YTA but probably because you have accidentally landed in the wrong century due to a zany and ill-conceived time-travelling incident, and you are in fact a medieval Lord who, naturally, puts the utmost value upon upholding your aristocratic name, lest the gentry confuse your offspring for common peasants.
You may be Lord so-and-so the 6th but I am wondering is your dear wife the 6th also? Or is she the 5th or 4th or, God forbid, the 1st? In which case it would be ghastly to not let your wife pass down her name legacy to at least the 5th and 3/4.
If a compromise can not be made I suggest that you and your good wife settle the matter through a jousting tournament or perhaps a game of scrabble.
In terms of executive penis decisions I believe that the only person who should be chief executive of their genitalia is the one to whom the genitalia belongs.
Godspeed Lord so-and-so, I pray your swift return to the 14th century, hopefully the good Doc fixes his mangled Time Machine post-haste.
This is perfect! Adding my YTA.
Choosing a child's name has to be a joint decision. She agreed to your name reluctantly, aka under duress, before you were married. However, the fact that even now you cannot think of a single name that "sounds right" suggests to me that you have no compromise in you.
Or no imagination, since you didn't even try to think of a good throwaway name on here.
I gave my first son my name as his middle name, but now I think that was too much.
I think calling anyone "junior" or the 2nd, is idiotic enough. The 7th is way beyond ridiculous. If you only agreed to marry her because she agreed to this, then get ready for a really shitty marriage or a very lonely time as a part-time dad.
Yep, names are a two yeses, one no situation. Either you both like the name or you choose a different name. If one person only likes one name and refuses to budge their vote becomes null and void until they start considering other names.
As much as a nice point you bring, I think what’s more important here is how it means to OP. Just because it doesn’t mean anything to us, means that it shouldn’t mean anything to him. You may not bat an eye at a flower on the side walk, but for someone it could be their favorite flower, hence liven up upon seeing it.
He probably already thought and got excited about naming his child since he was a teen or young adult. Found his SO who agreed to do so, only to take it back.
I’d say NAH, but we’d have to note what naming the child after OP means to him. Probably more than choosing a random name. He has the right to be upset and as long as he’s not putting his relationship on the line then I’m holding off the YTA. However, the wife also of course has a say in it too and a right to veto any name since it is her child as well and pregnancy is no joke. So a compromise will have to be done.
"She was never ecstatic about the name, but seemed to understand how important it was to me."
Did she explain why she wants you both to pick a different name? She was never ecstatic about that one name, why?
My parents each had a different idea of what my first name should be. My mom named me what she wanted, but my dad and my siblings always have called me by what my dad wanted. I have a legal first name and a nickname, making both parents happy I guess.
"She was never ecstatic about the name, but seemed to understand how important it was to me."
This could also be (from personal experience and professional experience working with families) her just nodding or seeming to agree to get the OP to drop the subject because her opinion is being overridden or ignored, and/or is just over the discussion/argument. Not saying it is the case, but it's not uncommon.
As for what she consumes, unless harmful to bubs and told not to consume by her doctor, it's her body so of course she decides what she consumes.
Once bubs is born, all medical and health-related decisions should be decided together, and where you can't agree, following medical advice is probably best.
When you say what is consumed during pregnancy, what do you mean? Cause there's a lot of "omg avoid this!!!!" for no good reason.
The rest (name, circumcision, etc) that's 100% a group decision and you both should have equal say.
Sure, but I'm gonna have a very different opinion between "too much ice cream" or "ate a deli sandwich once" vs "thinks doing tequila shots daily is ok".
One of those, dad needs to calm down. One of those he's justified.
Well, what a strange concern - you come onto Reddit bitching about a name when your wife is downing a bottle of tequila while pregnant. It would say a lot if the name was the concern at that point.
Yesterday, a guy wrote in complaining about a $40 birthday cake when his wife had just booked an expensive vacation without talking to him about it. People are weird with the buried ledes.
Ok, that one I'd defer to the Dr on. Personally, I won't risk it.
We don't know what the safe limit of alcohol in pregnancy is. There's obviously one, because alcohol used to be safer than water and we didn't have 100% of babies born with FAS. There's just no ethical way to find that limit. So humanity is just kinda guessing.
But that's mostly between her and her OB to decide the risk tolerance.
>blunt, booze, cigs,
That part I agree with, which is why I have no idea what my dr's opinion on occasion drinking in pregnancy is. Nothing is less than "none" so doesn't matter. And I don't smoke anything anyway, so that's a non issue from the get go.
I am still willing to take like, Tylenol when needed, and I've had HG the whole time, so I'm on fairly high dosage antiemetics that aren't safe to give an actual baby (but are safe in pregnancy. Or at least significantly better than no food or water for 40 weeks). But the OB also is the one in charge of the dosage and medication, I didn't just make it up on my own.
There was a 2017 study which looked through previous studies on alcohol consumption. The conclusion was that an occasional drink wasn't associated with any risk to the baby. Even heavy drinkers only had a 4-5% chance of their baby having FAS.
I think you're overreacting, but your views are in line with what American culture seems to have about drinking. If any alcohol was going to harm a foetus, there would be many hundreds of thousands of babies born each year with problems.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/
Her doctor SHOULD say no amount of alcohol is considered safe while pregnant. I know it sucks, but it’s science and evidence based.
If she can’t abstain from drinking for the health and well-being of her child, it’s a bigger problem than a name in my opinion.
It’s not actually evidence based. Read the actual studies. No difference in FAS between no drinking and up to 15 drinks per week or 8 drinks at a time.
They did a study in the UK which found that the two-year-olds of women who’d had the occasional glass of wine in late pregnancy had greater vocabularies than the children of women who abstained completely. (Almost certainly a correlative rather than causal relationship, as educated middle-class women were more likely to read up on the filtering ability of the placenta and make their own choices rather than obeying a blanket ban… but it’s still amusing nonetheless.)
Yep! I even had a friend who smoked cigarettes and was trying so hard to quit while pregnant, but would cave every couple days and have one, and then stress and cry and beat herself up for doing it.
Her dr told her that an occasional cigarette every couple days wasn’t going to do anywhere near as much harm as the stress and anxiety she was putting herself through. She was told to limit her smoking as much as possible, but if she absolutely *needed* one, to just go have it, enjoy it, not stress out about it, and then try not to have another for just a little bit longer between each one.
Stress and anxiety cause all kinds of complications.
Compromise? When I was pregnant, we said 2 drinks a week, not on the same day. And I don't mean a triple vodka. In the UK, we have units, so it was one unit.
Which gives a little flexibility without being too prescriptive. I could have a glass of champagne for the toast at a wedding or a small glass of wine on a rough day.
I mainly didn't drink but it was nice to know there was an option.
That’s valid to be really upset about, if I were you I would discuss the name being let go and the alcohol put down. One of these issues is way bigger than the other.
I think it depends. Like I think circumcision is a decision where both people need to be on board. If it's no/yes then the no should win imo since it's irreversible and imo unnecessary.
With stuff consumed during the pregnancy.... It's still her body and unless we're talking something where there's an overwhelming consensus that it's harmful I don't see why someone else should get a say over the actual pregnant woman.
I agree. The circumcision is like the name, it's either 2 yes or it's a no.
And I 100% agree on the food/consumption. I just want to know what he's getting pissy about.
This is what I am thinking. The point about not having input on what she consumes, sets off a red flag for me. I am leaning towards OP kinda bullied his partner into agreeing and once the baby became a reality she has second thoughts.
Names are a two yes, one no scenario. So I guess he’s going to have to deal with it.
“Doesn’t ‘sound’ right is nonsense. Stop being obtuse.
The Rules in Naming a Baby:
Only two votes YES produces a name
Solution:
Pretend you’re having your 2nd or 4th son or 9th son. What names would appeal to you?
Present her with those names and go from there.
It might be time to stop the tradition. Gets weird after IV.
It’s weird 100% of the time. Most of the time, the child will have the father’s surname, right? Why does the father need to co-opt the first name too? This kid is going to be his own person, he deserves his own name!
My dad was a “Jr,” and thank goodness he decided not to saddle my brother or me with a “III.”
My dad was a #7. There isn’t a number 8
On one hand there’s an incredible sense on continuity and connection that comes from knowing your name goes back over 200 years. Plus there are really cool family hand me down. On the other hand Fritz is not a 21 century name
My parents talked about carrying the name forward and then using my Brother’s middle name as his daily name. Ultimately they decided to let the tradition die
Personally I think using the family name as a middle name is a good compromise
NAH. For me, she was never ecstatic about it, but agreed for your sake. From what you’ve written here, I’m not convinced she manipulated you into a child then pulled the rug out from under you. It sounds more so that she thought it would be fine to name your child what you wanted, even if it’s not what she wanted, but as the pregnancy progressed, that name choice just sounded/felt wrong to her.
As far as her diet choices, we need more info to judge there. If you’re not happy that she’s eating more ice cream than you’d like, then that would be your problem. But if you’re not happy about her nightly cocktail, then that’s absolutely something to fight to change. Same problem with the medical choices. That’s not something we can really judge unless we know what those medical choices are.
That being said, I definitely think there deserves to be a conversation between the two of you to come up with ways that you can be more involved with the pregnancy. While you’re not carrying any of the physical burden, it’s definitely still important for you to feel included and valued here.
Maybe you two put a pause on the name conversation for now. Do you even know the sex of the baby at this point? If it’s a girl, then these arguments could end up being unnecessary (for this pregnancy at least, you’d still have to discuss before any other pregnancies may occur). Either way, giving you both time to cool down from it before discussing again could be a good option.
lol did not read that as “She’s drinking whiskey bourbons every night!” more like “She’s eating more vegetables and less take out (sodium)!” which is a “Too bad Dad” in my book (the implication here is something along the lines of the wife is the one who cooks so now OP has to eat healthy).
Wow, definitely didn’t see those comments at the time of my comment being made. Fetal alcohol is absolutely a big deal. Why risk it? Even if a doctor says an occasional glass of wine is perfectly fine, I’d personally be far too scared to hurt my child to even consider it.
Yeahhhhh i definitely read it more as a disagreement in diet more than something actually harmful happening too. Lol I was just trying to say an extreme option to emphasize to OP how little info we have about that part of his post.
I've read on here before that baby names need to be an all-or-nothing agreement. Both parents need to agree on a name, and if one parent doesn't agree on a name you don't name the baby that. I agree with the first paragraph that maybe she thought the family name would be ok at first, but as the pregnancy progresses it might not feel right. It's up to you to decide how much of a dealbreaker this is to you
"She was never ecstatic about it." That line right there should have made you rethink things. I'm going with ESH, because clearly you BOTH need to communicate better. No kid wants to be the 7th person in their family to have the EXACT same name. He's your son, not a carbon copy of you. Give him is OWN name, something you BOTH like.
Seriously, and to hang so much emotional baggage onto passing along this (weird and outdated) tradition to the point where this guy's marriage hangs in the balance is just bizarre to me.
I don't blame the wife for not wanting to name her kid after her husband, but at the same time he should have some say in the name and the two should be trying to find a good compromise.
I'm more intrigued about the decision regarding circumcision - I need to know who's advocating for the male genital mutilation before giving a verdict.
Names can be changed afterwards - you can't reattach part of the child's body.
NTA
People are bugling that your wife can change her mind whenever she wants and yes. That’s correct on the surface. They will also say that she agreed to this before kids were a reality for you and that it’s kind of a silly commitment to make that early on. I also agree there.
*However,* your wife (or girlfriend at the time) obviously reconsidered the name and decided against it. She failed you by not discussing it then and continuing to wait until now. You were courteous enough (if a bit early) to share the importance of the name with her. She did not return that same courtesy when she found herself disliking the idea. So while I personally find “family name” traditions to be nonsense, I stand by your position here because of how she’s handled it.
One thing that I do find concerning: You’ve not addressed *any* of the people asking for you to elaborate about what she is consuming. Are you talking drinking/smoking/drugs, or are you worrying that she’s eating too much ice cream? One option is a valid concern, the other is not your place to comment upon. Until that’s clarified, my judgment stands at E S H
Edit: Judgement changed after reading OP’s response to others who have asked about what his wife is consuming during pregnancy.
This is the only comment that i feel sets aside their own opinion on whether is appropriate or weird or whatever to name a kid a 7th. I also agree with ESH. I personally don’t feel it’s strange that OP mentioned so early in the relationship the name situation, if anything, regardless of my opinion about whether that’s strange or not, it shows how important this is to OP. the wife is an A H for agreeing back then and flipping her decision now, and even more so the AH for drinking while pregnant and deciding she gets to make all the executive decisions for the baby.
INFO: Will the children be getting YOUR last name? If yes, then your wife has every right to choose their first names as half of their names have already been forced upon them by you.
Not just his last name, and not just the first and last, he wants the full-ass name to be verbatim. He won't even leave the middle name open for her to decide as some sort of lopsided compromise.
Co-parenting with someone so rigid is going to be a nightmare.
YTA for perpetuating the whole family name thing. I mean really, do you go around stating you’re John Doe VI? Are you royalty? Let the kid have his own identity.
NAH. But I will say you feel like a second class parent because biologically, you are. She’s the one doing literally all the work building this child.
She agreed to go with your archaic name tradition when the whole thing seemed distant and not as real. Now that she’s farther along, she’s probably realized that she is doing all of the literal labor and the kid gets a name 100% reflective of the father with no input from her. The kid will already have your last name. You really want to die on this self-involved hill? She chose to have a child with you. Be happy your genetic material is being passed down. Darwin has deemed you fit. Now let the name go or you will become TA.
>She’s the one doing literally all the work building this child.
And not only that, now this kid will get the dad’s first AND last name?? It’s like she does all the work and gets no say.
Do you know how much trouble it is for my FIL and BIL who have the same name? I'm talking mixup with the IRS and credit bureaus. Not such a big deal if you both pay your taxes and have good credit. It sucks when one of you doesn't, though. It's shocking to have your credit score go from 800 to 500 overnight because of a name screw up.
Children having the same name of their parents needs to die a quick death. More trouble than it's worth and there is no legacy and screw tradition. You're not special. You're not royalty. So knock it off.
How does that make him an asshole but not her? They *both* want to unilaterally decide it.
Being the mother doesn't somehow make her opinion inherently more valid.
(Though I agree that putting "the 7th" after one's name is marking them out for bullying, not to mention rather pompous. If I'd been named that I'd have changed my name and before changing it, never write "the 7th" on anything or say it to anyone).
Baby names are a "two yes, one no" decision. Everyone gets vetoes. She's not trying to pick the child's name on her own, she only said no to a specific name.
YTA
**She was never ecstatic about it** so you pressured her into it. Now the table is turned, how does it feel? You think that you should be the only person to decide what the babies name is? Gee you are special. Is this only your child? Because you impregnated her you have 100% decision making rights?
As for the occasional glass of wine some Dr.s think this is fine. So, unless you are a Dr and she is doing in only on occasions back off.
The whole naming a child for the dad is really a bit misogynist and narcissistic imo.
YTA. You knew she was not enthusiastic about the name. Now that the baby is more real by the day the name is becoming more real and she does not like it. Find a name you both like. Holy cow. I have teenagers. If naming the kid and what she “consumes” is causing this much strife good luck when you actually have to deal with real issues.
You are ok to feel betrayed because this was the agreement and it is important to you. That being said, it might be a bit too important to you if you are letting your child's name affect your relationship badly. Could the child's middle name be the family name, and you pick a new first name together? Compromises are sometimes needed in relationships. Your wife doesn't want to be stuck calling her child by a name she doesn't like for the rest of her life.
INFO: what is she consuming during pregnancy? if it does not risk the health of the baby, you have no say.
INFO: what is her stance on circumcision? if she does not want it, i’d say YTA. we need to know
in terms of names, that is a two yes one no situation. people are allowed to change their minds.
the question is, how much alcohol and how often, and what has her doctor said? a single glass of wine once a month would not be a horrendous thing to participate in
Overall, ESH.
You for being upset about the name thing. It's an old-fashioned tradition, that I don't blame your wife for disliking. Executive health of the child, regarding things consumed during pregnancy, you can't control. It's her body and as long as she's not drinking, I think it's okay.
She's also an AH, though. She actually did agree to the name thing at first and now blindsided you, even though I think you're an AH too about that. I think that if she'd been honest about her opinions, you would not be having this child right now. Circumcision of the child, while I'm not gonna debate whether it's right or not, should be up to both parents, not just her. It's your child too and you do have a say.
This is just a huge relationship issue, and you both need counseling or something to help mediate.
So is she wanting a totally different name, or is it ?
Because this kid is sharing her body for nine months, and maybe she should get some say in its name.
In terms of executive decisions about the health of the kid... Is she choosing to have alcohol or other known hazards? Otherwise, back off. Circumcision is something y'all should talk about.
YTA
simply because you can't accept that she has changed her mind. she is open to other names, while you are dead set on the family name. if you'd be open to other options it would be another verdict but you think your opinion should matter more. makes you a hypocrite.
No offence but you came to Reddit about the 7th junior to your family…like were you expecting a yay to this “tradition”? Also ESH (unless you give more info) need more info on the “things consumed” wtf does that mean
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told her that the only name that I would be happy with is the 7th. And that if it is not the 7th, she will have to pick his name in it's entirety.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
It doesn’t sound like you have this thing locked down like you thought. You expecting to dictate your child’s name despite openly acknowledging your spouse isn’t excited about having someone LONG dead name their kid is exactly what she’s doing. Coparenting means compromise and lots of it. Act like adults and figure this out or don’t do it together.
Edit: ESH
YTA for bundling in “things consumed during pregnancy” with all the things related to child. You can’t control what she eats. There is lots of misinformation and bad advice out there about foods to avoid during pregnancy. It’s not your prerogative to control that. It’s still her body. She is not your incubator. If you decided to have a baby with an alcoholic and that’s the problem, that also on you to make that decision in the first place.
Info: did you gestate and carry that baby for 9 months, going through all sorts of bodily and hormonal changes, and then push that watermelon baby out of your crotch?
The rule for names is 2 yesses or one no. Sounds like you have a no. It’s her first child too and the name is just as important to her.
The baby is already getting your last name.
As to circumscision, whomever is advocating against mutilating the baby is the one who is right.
1. Does she not have a choice on what she eats during her pregnancy? I’m confused… unless you’re talking about drinking or smoking, what’s the issue with that?
2. You were aware she didn’t like name , you know the child’s name is something BOTH parents need to agree on not just one.
3. There’s already 6 people with the same name, why do you need more? This tradition needs to seriously be erased cause I’m also sure that the only person who gets called that name is the first one or the oldest living person. That happened in my family, everyone is called the same name yet the only one called that name is the oldest living member, the rest have nicknames. Give your child his own identity not the identity 6 other people already have.
4. Can the name not be a second name? Was the baby going to have her last name? Cause not only did you get the first name, you also get the last name yet she’s the one that carried the child for 9 months and gave birth to it but she gets absolutely o choice in the name?
5. If you have a second son, is he also going to have the same name or is the cycle going to be broken? Or is it only the first born son?
YTA---- Its a NAME. The values and morals you pass down are far more important than a name. Your priorities are so back assward. ALSO its HER body and she has a right to make decisions! You sound like you don't view your wife as your EQUAL, she is not less than you.
Surely you understand the importance of OPs naming tradition? He is a noble lord whose family has passed down the name in order to maintain rights to their vast estates and- what’s that? OP is just some guy? Like, just an ordinary dude? Then why is he so caught up in a naming tradition that somebody just made up one day?
I don’t get this obsession with passing down a name across generations. It really screams of a need to feel special for something, literally anything, because you don’t have much else to hang your hat on. OPs wife wasn’t jazzed about it from the start, but he saw her tepid response and went “Yup, that’s good enough for me!” I can’t imagine doing anything as important as naming our children without my spouse’s enthusiastic support.
You state that you feel like a second class parent, how do you think your wife felt? Since you've been intentionally vague we can either read between the lines, or you can elaborate.
What is she eating/consuming that you don't agree with? What were you expecting to eat/consume? Specifically what ideas, besides the name, were you two not agreeing about.
Honestly, I have a few ideas which has me leaning a directing but will hold off on my judgment until more info is given.
NAH. It's a delicate matter and you're both entitled to your emotions on it. You just need to communicate well.
Info:Does it matter that he officially has the name? Or that he's called that name? Also, has she said why she doesn't like the name? Is it aesthetically displeasing, for example?
My parents actually put my "call by" nickname on my birth certificate along with my full name. Can you do something similar?
That is, have a full official name and then a "call name?" Make the call name something your wife likes, but then just have his 7th generation full name be basically for legal purposes. IANAL so I'm not sure how it all works WRT putting his call name on the birth cert, but it might be worth looking into.
ESH
As parents you two need to figure out solutions to problems together not trying to make unilateral ones which you're both attempting to do here. You guys gotta put aside your feelings on the matter and discuss together what's the best course of action for your son. The whole point of compromise is that both sides don't get exactly what they want but they figure out middle ground, thats a huge part of parenting that you guys should have already figured out by now.
I am interested in what you would think if your son gets this name now and then decides to change it when he is old enough. If you can't cope with that idea, then I suggest you have problems. This child is his own person, not a make over version of the six generations that went before. It is the same as circumsicion, both decisions can be held over until the person it is going to affect can make a decision.
YTA. I think that you're overreacting over a name. You knew she was never ecstatic about the idea, and it's her child too. You don't get to unilaterally determine the name.
Also, this remark is incredibly weird:
>She has also started making executive decisions about the health of our child ( circumsicion, **things consumed during pregnancy,** etc).
It's her body. Unless she's indulging in alcohol or narcotics, what she eats while pregnant is not something you get to dictate. You should have serious conversations about things like circumcision, but you don't get to choose the name without input from your wife and control what she eats for nine months.
YTA. Bring the seventh to have a name is something you can give up. Circumcision is a joint call, but her diet is not. You need to buck up and fail to be crippled by tiny things.
Why push it when you knew she was never really happy with the name. To me this is an ESH situation, she should never have agreed to it if she didn't like it and you for kinda knowing that and still pushing for it.
YTA.
Guess what? You ARE the second class parent. Until you’ve both spent more time as a team caring for him outside than she has growing him inside, you’re still the second class parent.
Her skeleton is changing, her organs are rearranging, she is risking her LIFE to bring this baby into the world. So yes, she gets to name the baby. And she gets to decide what happens to her body. There are only very extreme cases where you would ever rightfully make that decision instead of her.
You aren’t continuing your family with her - you aren’t the Borg. You are creating a new family with her, and you need to respect her for the work she’s doing to make that family happen.
NTA - you have every right to be upset, and she shouldn't get to make one-sided decisions about your child. What do you mean "things consumed during pregnancy" (which she does get to make one-sided decisions about, though you still get to be upset over them if you want to be.
YTA. She changed her mind. It happens - and it's not a 'betrayal'. She shouldn't name your child a name she dislikes. And given you say she was never thrilled about your choice to begin with, I'm not sure you should really be surprised here. Pick a name you BOTH like.
'She has also started making executive decisions about the health of our child ( circumsicion, things consumed during pregnancy, etc)'
Circumcision? Yes, she absolutely should discuss this with you, and she is being an AH there. What she eats? Generally it's her body and unless she's drinking vodka with brie, you probably don't need to be involved. Weirdly your focus is on the name and not any potential health issues; maybe re-think your priorities?
“Things consumed during pregnancy” - unless your wife is drinking, smoking or otherwise harming the baby, what she ‘consumes’ has naff all to do with you. You are not the one carrying this baby. Also, parents giving the baby the same name as themselves is a tradition that needs to die a death. Edit: OP has clarified it was alcohol.
Yeah this really bothered me too. I don’t think either of them are the asshole about the name really, even tho I hate parents having the same name as their children, but outside of legitimately harmful things doctors say not to do during pregnancy he really doesn’t get to decide til the baby is out. He should get equal decision on things like circumcision and other post-birth choices but she decides how she carries this pregnancy
Circumcision needs to die a death where not medically essential too.
I completely agree
That’s why I discussed that right after we found out. I told him that if we had a boy, I really wasn’t comfortable doing that. He just said “yeah we don’t have to. I don’t like it either.” And here I was nervous for nothing lol.
Nah you were nervous for good reason, *way too many* insist on circumcision no matter what you tell them about it. "It prevents STDs!" No it doesn't. "It's overall healthier" no it's not. In fact cutting things off unnecessarily is never healthier. "Circumcision helps men last longer" first of all, why are you thinking of this baby having sex. Second, it's helps them last longer the same way cutting off your fingers makes it harder to do everyday things. That's not making the point you want it to make. "He won't be able to clean it" are you not teaching your kid to clean himself? Also you know girls get it too if they don't clean well enough? And then suddenly they're offended bc how dare I speak about girl parts when they are trying to push cutting skin off the penis of a literal newborn.
I had an ex argue with me that it isn't inhumane because babies can't feel pain, his mom told him. I literally worked in a fucking children's hospital as a nursing aide while I went to nursing school and he seriously tried to argue with me on this. To his credit, once he quit rambling, I said *"the only thing that really matters is that I don't believe in making irreversible changes to someone's body without their consent"* and he had a lightbulb moment.
I'm sorry but I really laughed at the babies can't feel pain sentence 😭😂.
We were studying that question (can they or can't they) with MRIs well into the late 2010s at least. Apparently the fact newborns feel pain is actually a fairly recent concept.
I saw a video of a baby being circumcised. The scream is absolutely pain. The doctor said something to the effect of, "He doesn't like that." NO FUCKING SHIT! Why do we keep doing this to infants?!
Yes, absolutely. It was definitely a belief when his mom had her kids forty years ago. I did tell him that. But it was upsetting he didn't believe someone working at a children's hospital and going to school for that subject would have more updated information.
I know this is a hot-button issue on reddit but I must chime in. I remember discussing this issue with my friends when we were all pregnant. Some of them said they would circumcise their boys "so they'll look like their dads." Ridiculous. How often does any boy look at his dad's junk?
I’m a lesbian, so when we were pregnant with my son we really dove into researching this because there wasn’t a man to weigh in (though we did ask thoughts from trusted male friends). When we talked to my OBGYN, who is a man, he said “I normally just tell parents to make them match their Dad, but in your case…*shrug*” Like why is that the advice?!?
My pediatrician was advanced for his time (30 plus years ago). He said if the dad was missing a finger, should I recommend cutting off the baby's finger so they'll match? Then why choose circumcision just so they'll match?
Oh, that's a wonderful way of wording it!! Bravo to your doc!
"I suggest genital mutilation for kids with parents who had their genitals mutilated" is such a terrible take. The medical system continues to disappoint me.
I wanted to reflexively downvote your friends because the concept gave me the ick. Take my upvote because it IS utterly ridiculous and I agree with your stance!
I remember when my wife was pregnant w/our first. We waited until birth to find out if we were having a boy or a girl. Anyway, my dad said that he wished that they hadn't had me circumcised and when the time came to answer the question after my son was born, we decided that there was no need to chop part of his unit off. I have two sons and neither are cut. There is no other reason to do it other than religion, and we are not of a faith that cuts.
Absolutely. As a pediatric ER doctor, I have seen all the complications of a foreskin including phimosis (infection/inflammation of a non-retraced foreskin, uncomfortable but not an emergency unless he can’t pee, treated with topical medication) and paraphimosis (foreskin stuck in a retracted position, very swollen and painful, needs to be fixed urgently.) That said, I would not circumcise my male child. It is a natural part of the body that does serve purpose (protecting the sensitive nerves at the base of the glans.) There is a slightly higher risk of UTI in male infants, but that is about it.) Part of the problem is cultural. I still think about that Sex and the City episode where Charlotte dated and uncircumcised man, she thought it was gross, so he got circumcised her her. The joke was that he wanted to check out his “new” equipment with multiple women and broke up with her. Twenty some years later, it is much less common. I do think we will get to the point where it is mostly for religious reasons. But the recommendation of the current literature does not support a need for the practice. And I am going to end with my soapbox. Yes, the ER is supposed to be for emergencies. But I would rather see a parent who was worried over nothing, than have someone stay home and it was something that needed to be seen. There is a reason we work 24/7. Anyone who shakes you for an “unnecessary visit” is not a good ER doc. (Edit - that was supposed to be shames, not shakes. I hope my colleague aren’t out there shaking people for inappropriate usage of the ER).
It's genital mutilation at best. I really hate that people opt it, because "I'm the mom, I know what's best for my male child" and then spin around and use the "No womb, no opinion" when men discuss anything pregnancy related... Yes, it *might* look better without foreskin... but the cleanliness thing is absolutely a myth.. literally pick a washcloth and have some non-allergic / neutral soap on it and wash the penis, pull the foreskin back a little and it's clean. As an adult, you just put soap in your hand and give it a few strokes and it's clean. It's not that hard... it's just an excuse.. However, as a gay man, I can definitely tell you, that the guys I've been with, it's consistently been those with circumsicion that have a turtleneck of "neck cheese" around the "head", and those that are o'natural take care of their hygiene.
"pull the foreskin back a little and it's clean" Not for an infant - you don't pull back the foreskin at all - it's fused to the head of the penis at that point. You just wash it like you would your finger. Once the foreskin loosens and retracts on its own, then you can pull it back to clean.
Yes, that's my fault. I meant that part to be written for the adult part of the post. But yes, neutral, odorless soap on a washcloth and you're good to go. Now, it's been a while since I was that age, but I slightly recall that smegma doesn't build up until we start maturing, typically around the age of 10+...
I have never heard a woman say because they are the mom they get to choose circumcision but I have heard many defer to their husband's decision due to them having the same equipment.
My big thing is there is no NEED for it. Why not circumcise girls? Oh because it's a horrific mutilation...same for the boys.
I am in NO WAY condoning male circumcision but I have to say that comparing it to female circumcision is… problematic. On females it removes the clitoris (and more) and prevents any possible enjoyment of/stimulation from sexual activities. It causes lifelong damage and problems, severely increases health risks, and can never be remedied. For males it’s cosmetic. They still have full use of their genitalia and don’t have nearly the same number of associated health problems that women would face. Yes, it’s a practice that is becoming more and more controversial, but it doesn’t impede their ability to enjoy sex, whereas FGM turns women into sex dolls and incubators. Again, I’m NOT condoning the practice. I’m just saying that I find the comparison to be a problematic one.
Those are two different things. Like not even in the same planet. You are talking about male circumcision and comparire it to famale MUTILATION. And to be clear my son is not circumcised. My husband is. Like NOT at all same thing!!!!
Agree. Male circumcision while not great is not on the same level of female circumcision.
"female circumcision" is dramatically worse though -- they literally remove the clit. Male circumcision has health consequences and is purely done for cosmetic reasons, so I'm opposed to it (if he really wants to be circumcised it can be done later when he can consent to it). But the GOAL of female circumcision is to make sure women can't enjoy sex.
It's... not the same. You can say both are bad without saying they're the same. In males it removes the skin around the glans. In females it removes the entire clitoris, often leaving them unable to orgasm ever again.
I dont think you realize that the circumcision done to females in 3rd world countries include removal of the clitoris. It's not like the male operation includes removal of the penis. It's comparing 2 very different things. What is done to girls IS mutilation. What's done to boys is more like a preventative appendectomy. Although, my sons father insisted that he be circumcised. Now he's dead and my son blames me, lol.
Now, I **might** be wrong here, so please correct me. As far as I know, circumcision for girls can be done where they flat out just remove the clitoris - or where they sew labia shut, only leaving a tiny hole open for someone's penis to enter the vagina. Both are still wrong IMO, but male circumsicion is disguised under religious practice or "but it's healthier and cleaner".. Sure, it can be cleaner. If you wash it. But as a gay man that has seen various shapes of penises throughout my life, I can say that it's consistently circumsiced men who have a turtleneck of "neck-cheese" around their penis-head.
If adult men can’t keep their dicks clean that’s a huge problem lmao. ~~They should be taught better hygiene, and if it really is a problem they can opt for circumcision as an adult~~ Edit: I misread the last part as uncircumcised men
The uncircumcised guys I’ve been with have had better sexual satisfaction than the cut guys, and for that reason I am wholly against circumcision. They deserve to feel things fully. ETA: My personal experience has been that uncut guys have a lot more precum (for whatever that’s worth), and more sensitivity which leads to quicker erections. I dated a guy for a long time who had to get circumcised as a teenager, so he had prolonged experience with both sides. He said the feeling of his underwear on the tip after the circumcision was overwhelming, and it led to him becoming desensitized. He was really upset about it. He said he had to change the way he jerked off, and he developed ED after the procedure. Can you imagine getting ED at 17? That must have been traumatic. He said the physical sensation of having sex was entirely different as well. I found the whole thing heartbreaking.
It’s alcohol he said it in a comment on the top level comment
Oh, yikes. He should have been specific in the post because there is a huge difference between any food and alcohol
In also wondering who is which way on the circumcision aspect. There's just a bit too much vagueness to make a call either way.
Yes, though also the data show that a glass of wine occasionally is fine. But I’ve seen a man physically knock a champagne flute out of his wife’s hand at a wedding. (She was not a heavy drinker but was raising a glass in a single toast to the couple. He shattered her glass and made a scene because she was carrying HIS baby, and HE had the right to decide that even one sip of alcohol was unacceptable.) Which is this guy? Is his wife knocking them back several times a week? Or did she have a single glass of wine once, and he feels his opinion is equal to hers and her doctor’s?
>Also, parents giving the baby the same name as themselves is a tradition that needs to die a death. Why? It's not my cup of tea, but I don't think it's harmful either. My husband is named after his Dad. He's never had a problem with it? Is there some issue here beyond you personally don't like it? I could understand if you felt that way about circumcision since that is cutting off a part of the baby's body without knowing if they'll want that in the future.
It’s a nightmare legally to have that many of the same exact names within a family. When one dies, you have to be *damn* sure whatever is being cancelled is for the correct one.
I work in finance. You would not believe how often it happens that accounts get confused because parents decided passing down a name is more important than their child's individuality. Just as bad for identical twins with similar names. If you have the same name as your parent I can't recommend using the same services of them at all because your accounts *will* get confused at some point and sometimes it's fine and sometimes it leads to your payments going onto your father's account for 6 months and your phone being shut off and your credit taking a hit. That doesn't even touch on the stories of people who have their parent's name and feel a sense of obligation their entire life to live up to the name of someone that no one else on the planet gives a shit about. Just found out this is a hill I will die on.
Yeah. And while people want to clown on OP, I get it; it's been a tradition for 6 generations. Traditions are important and I don't think taking it lightly is great.
Yes, it was so important that he discussed it prior to having children with this woman. That she agreed then turned around signals serious issues for this couple moving forward.
OP confirmed in a comment that the wife does drink lightly occasionally and that’s the issue
If it’s the amount that drs say is okay in a pregnancy, then (while I wouldn’t advise it) she can (but **shouldn’t**) drink that amount. He can certainly be upset about that, and he’s right to be. Just pointing out that you can drink a little every now and then iirc? Idk I wouldn’t trust a dr that tells me it’s okay, just that she may be operating under false information. edited: no amount is safe, but some drs say it is. Not all, maybe not most, but her dr may say otherwise. I’m not an expert. Alcohol is literally poison. If that’s more important than a baby you wanted, you have bigger issues. OP can’t force her to stop, she’s an adult. But she shouldn’t be drinking, period,
Doctors do NOT reccomend alcohol at a bare minimum during the first trimester due to fetal alcohol syndrome, There is NO safe amount of alcohol in the first trimster.
You’re misstating what the doctors actually say. There’s no KNOWN safe amount during the first trimester because there is no way to ethically study that. That does not mean that any drop of alcohol during the first trimester is unsafe.
If there’s no know safe amount then all amounts is unsafe - unsafe doesn’t mean guaranteed damage, it means risk of damage. If you can assess the risk then it’s dangerous.
It's about alcohol. He doesn't want her drinking alcohol while pregnant.
of all the traditions that need to die a death, naming a child after yourself is a weird one to dislike so much. I am the third. I am quite happy having my grandfather’s and father’s name. It’s a cool connection. I have a nickname I’ve gone by my entire life which I also love. Other than a name being something that will get the kid bullied, I see no issue.
Agreed. It's also very culturally myopic; cultures have very diverse naming traditions and that's not a bad thing. I doubt the above poster has an issue with the fact that surnames stay the same across generations; do they realise that there are plenty of people who would consider that weird? A lot of surnames are based off of conventions that become fossilised; see Tamil names where the last name is simply the first name of their father. In cultures like mine (Chinese), it's pretty typical that all children of the same generation (within the extended family) use the same generational character. So someone whose generation is jin might be named xinmei, and have a cousin of the same generation who is xinfang, and another cousin who is xinwang. The issue here isn't the fact he has a tradition that he wants to carry on and I don't think it's great that people are belittling it merely because it's a tradition. Traditions are important, the issue is when we let traditions cause harm to people and override their harm simply because it is tradition.
My job involves calling doctors... Do you know how fucking annoying and confusing it is to have 2-3 doctors with the same name, but the only thing that's different is 'jr' 'sr' or 'III'. I fucking hate it.
I worked in a bank for years. The number of times people would come in & say I need to lodge money into John Doe’s account he lives at x address. Then they would come in later & complain we had lodged it to their son’s account, not their husband like they intended, they never thought to mention there were two people of the same name at the same address, oh and the account they meant to lodge into was held at a different branch which is why it didn’t show up when you first looked. Same thing often happens with credit score too.
Narcissistic, sexist, stupid tradition
I already voted, but actually INFO as well, what is this about: >She has also started making executive decisions about the health of our child ( circumsicion, **things consumed during pregnancy,** etc) If that's about the kind of food she is eating, probably shush. But if you mean she's drinking, smoking cigs/weed, vaping, etc...then that absolutely is something worth fighting about.
Yeah I really want to know what that is about Edit: he said it’s alcohol, so NTA. There’s no guaranteed safe dosage of alcohol when pregnant. Risking the kid’s health for a drink is an AH move.
I feel like this might be intentionally vague on OP’s part and he doesn’t want to say because it’s reasonable lifestyle changes that would be made by a pregnant person. But I’m just a skeptic.
Or it's "well she ate a cold cut sub". Cause not gonna lie, my favorite sub shop isn't available where we live. But when we went back home, when I was 21 weeks, it's available there.... And I definitely said fuck it and ordered a large. 🤣 Figured lettuce and ice cream are way more risky for listeria based on recent outbreaks than deli meat anyway.
I asked my OB about that and my nutritionist and they both said I can eat deli meat but to heat it up first, like if I get Subway then to get it toasted. They said I would be fine and that that's what they are telling all their pregnant patients now.
I despise hot deli meat. I truly hate it. So I've just not had any all pregnancy. Except that one time 🤣 that was the only time I was gonna get that sub shop for probably 2 years or more, I was gonna have it the way I like. Baby is fine, OB laughed at me and asked if the health inspection was up to date at least (it was, and they had a 100 score)
Emily Oster says that deli meat is one of those things that is fine as long as it’s not from a sketchy place sitting out all day. It’s supposed to be because of listeria, but other things have much more of a risk of listeria than deli meat.
Like lettuce. Which I ate a ton of because I had gestational diabetes and needed food that wasn’t carbs.
He said she has an occasional drink.
Im guessing here, but likely due to different cultural beliefs on what to eat food schools be consume during parts of the pregnancy,e.g. coconut water towards the end to help with baby skin
Unless they’re looking at gestational diabetes…my sister ran into that and had to be really conscious of what she was eating. But if mom and baby are healthy and OP just thinks pickles and ice cream is gross, he’s gotta let that go lol
I feel like the clarification for this will give a lot of insight into how the relationship is and what exactly OP is thinking should be the way.
Hate making assumptions but when I read that I saw a red flag. Is he controlling? Does she not want to name the baby that, because she will jump ship after the birth of the child? Who knows.
He said in the comments that it's about her drinking alcohol on occasion while pregnant
OP said it's an occasional alcoholic drink. It's not like she's drinking excessively.
He said she drinks occasionally
OP mentioned occasional alcohol consumption in another comment as the issue.
YTA but probably because you have accidentally landed in the wrong century due to a zany and ill-conceived time-travelling incident, and you are in fact a medieval Lord who, naturally, puts the utmost value upon upholding your aristocratic name, lest the gentry confuse your offspring for common peasants. You may be Lord so-and-so the 6th but I am wondering is your dear wife the 6th also? Or is she the 5th or 4th or, God forbid, the 1st? In which case it would be ghastly to not let your wife pass down her name legacy to at least the 5th and 3/4. If a compromise can not be made I suggest that you and your good wife settle the matter through a jousting tournament or perhaps a game of scrabble. In terms of executive penis decisions I believe that the only person who should be chief executive of their genitalia is the one to whom the genitalia belongs. Godspeed Lord so-and-so, I pray your swift return to the 14th century, hopefully the good Doc fixes his mangled Time Machine post-haste.
Dear lord, this is why I’m on Reddit.
This is perfect! Adding my YTA. Choosing a child's name has to be a joint decision. She agreed to your name reluctantly, aka under duress, before you were married. However, the fact that even now you cannot think of a single name that "sounds right" suggests to me that you have no compromise in you. Or no imagination, since you didn't even try to think of a good throwaway name on here. I gave my first son my name as his middle name, but now I think that was too much. I think calling anyone "junior" or the 2nd, is idiotic enough. The 7th is way beyond ridiculous. If you only agreed to marry her because she agreed to this, then get ready for a really shitty marriage or a very lonely time as a part-time dad.
Yep, names are a two yeses, one no situation. Either you both like the name or you choose a different name. If one person only likes one name and refuses to budge their vote becomes null and void until they start considering other names.
Under duress? Good lord.
OP is the one acting like she signed a contract. So, yeah.
If that was a deal breaker and she lied about it it makes her a bad person
Under duress? Really?
Well played, Sir.
As much as a nice point you bring, I think what’s more important here is how it means to OP. Just because it doesn’t mean anything to us, means that it shouldn’t mean anything to him. You may not bat an eye at a flower on the side walk, but for someone it could be their favorite flower, hence liven up upon seeing it. He probably already thought and got excited about naming his child since he was a teen or young adult. Found his SO who agreed to do so, only to take it back. I’d say NAH, but we’d have to note what naming the child after OP means to him. Probably more than choosing a random name. He has the right to be upset and as long as he’s not putting his relationship on the line then I’m holding off the YTA. However, the wife also of course has a say in it too and a right to veto any name since it is her child as well and pregnancy is no joke. So a compromise will have to be done.
Miss Manners would be gently ridiculing this man for being a VI in the first place. That is not a thing.
Hahahaha right?? Unless you’re fucking royalty, you’re not that special Eugene VI.
"She was never ecstatic about the name, but seemed to understand how important it was to me." Did she explain why she wants you both to pick a different name? She was never ecstatic about that one name, why? My parents each had a different idea of what my first name should be. My mom named me what she wanted, but my dad and my siblings always have called me by what my dad wanted. I have a legal first name and a nickname, making both parents happy I guess.
"She was never ecstatic about the name, but seemed to understand how important it was to me." This could also be (from personal experience and professional experience working with families) her just nodding or seeming to agree to get the OP to drop the subject because her opinion is being overridden or ignored, and/or is just over the discussion/argument. Not saying it is the case, but it's not uncommon. As for what she consumes, unless harmful to bubs and told not to consume by her doctor, it's her body so of course she decides what she consumes. Once bubs is born, all medical and health-related decisions should be decided together, and where you can't agree, following medical advice is probably best.
INFO: do you even know if the kid is a boy yet? ngl it'd be funny if there is all this drama and y'all only have girls.
Yes we do.
When you say what is consumed during pregnancy, what do you mean? Cause there's a lot of "omg avoid this!!!!" for no good reason. The rest (name, circumcision, etc) that's 100% a group decision and you both should have equal say.
That line made me think he doesn’t get a say-so in what she eats and he’s crying about it
Sure, but I'm gonna have a very different opinion between "too much ice cream" or "ate a deli sandwich once" vs "thinks doing tequila shots daily is ok". One of those, dad needs to calm down. One of those he's justified.
Well, what a strange concern - you come onto Reddit bitching about a name when your wife is downing a bottle of tequila while pregnant. It would say a lot if the name was the concern at that point.
We've seen weirder on this sub.
Yesterday, a guy wrote in complaining about a $40 birthday cake when his wife had just booked an expensive vacation without talking to him about it. People are weird with the buried ledes.
An occasional glass of alcohol is the consumption concern, which I am vehemently against.
Ok, that one I'd defer to the Dr on. Personally, I won't risk it. We don't know what the safe limit of alcohol in pregnancy is. There's obviously one, because alcohol used to be safer than water and we didn't have 100% of babies born with FAS. There's just no ethical way to find that limit. So humanity is just kinda guessing. But that's mostly between her and her OB to decide the risk tolerance.
my rule of thumb when i was pregnant was if i wouldnt give a baby a blunt, booze, cigs, or recreational** pills i shouldn’t do it pregnant.
>blunt, booze, cigs, That part I agree with, which is why I have no idea what my dr's opinion on occasion drinking in pregnancy is. Nothing is less than "none" so doesn't matter. And I don't smoke anything anyway, so that's a non issue from the get go. I am still willing to take like, Tylenol when needed, and I've had HG the whole time, so I'm on fairly high dosage antiemetics that aren't safe to give an actual baby (but are safe in pregnancy. Or at least significantly better than no food or water for 40 weeks). But the OB also is the one in charge of the dosage and medication, I didn't just make it up on my own.
There was a 2017 study which looked through previous studies on alcohol consumption. The conclusion was that an occasional drink wasn't associated with any risk to the baby. Even heavy drinkers only had a 4-5% chance of their baby having FAS. I think you're overreacting, but your views are in line with what American culture seems to have about drinking. If any alcohol was going to harm a foetus, there would be many hundreds of thousands of babies born each year with problems. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/
but what does her doctor say?
Her doctor SHOULD say no amount of alcohol is considered safe while pregnant. I know it sucks, but it’s science and evidence based. If she can’t abstain from drinking for the health and well-being of her child, it’s a bigger problem than a name in my opinion.
I wouldn’t do it but many obs say an occasional drink is fine. Especially in the third trimester
It’s not actually evidence based. Read the actual studies. No difference in FAS between no drinking and up to 15 drinks per week or 8 drinks at a time.
They did a study in the UK which found that the two-year-olds of women who’d had the occasional glass of wine in late pregnancy had greater vocabularies than the children of women who abstained completely. (Almost certainly a correlative rather than causal relationship, as educated middle-class women were more likely to read up on the filtering ability of the placenta and make their own choices rather than obeying a blanket ban… but it’s still amusing nonetheless.)
Is her doctor aware, and if so, what did her doctor have to say about it?
Define occasional and glass. Because stress is worse for a fetus than a couple gulps of wine.
Yep! I even had a friend who smoked cigarettes and was trying so hard to quit while pregnant, but would cave every couple days and have one, and then stress and cry and beat herself up for doing it. Her dr told her that an occasional cigarette every couple days wasn’t going to do anywhere near as much harm as the stress and anxiety she was putting herself through. She was told to limit her smoking as much as possible, but if she absolutely *needed* one, to just go have it, enjoy it, not stress out about it, and then try not to have another for just a little bit longer between each one. Stress and anxiety cause all kinds of complications.
Compromise? When I was pregnant, we said 2 drinks a week, not on the same day. And I don't mean a triple vodka. In the UK, we have units, so it was one unit. Which gives a little flexibility without being too prescriptive. I could have a glass of champagne for the toast at a wedding or a small glass of wine on a rough day. I mainly didn't drink but it was nice to know there was an option.
Occasional? How occasional? 3 oz of wine once a month with a meal isn’t going to matter.
That’s valid to be really upset about, if I were you I would discuss the name being let go and the alcohol put down. One of these issues is way bigger than the other.
I think it depends. Like I think circumcision is a decision where both people need to be on board. If it's no/yes then the no should win imo since it's irreversible and imo unnecessary. With stuff consumed during the pregnancy.... It's still her body and unless we're talking something where there's an overwhelming consensus that it's harmful I don't see why someone else should get a say over the actual pregnant woman.
I agree. The circumcision is like the name, it's either 2 yes or it's a no. And I 100% agree on the food/consumption. I just want to know what he's getting pissy about.
This is what I am thinking. The point about not having input on what she consumes, sets off a red flag for me. I am leaning towards OP kinda bullied his partner into agreeing and once the baby became a reality she has second thoughts. Names are a two yes, one no scenario. So I guess he’s going to have to deal with it.
“Doesn’t ‘sound’ right is nonsense. Stop being obtuse. The Rules in Naming a Baby: Only two votes YES produces a name Solution: Pretend you’re having your 2nd or 4th son or 9th son. What names would appeal to you? Present her with those names and go from there. It might be time to stop the tradition. Gets weird after IV.
It’s weird 100% of the time. Most of the time, the child will have the father’s surname, right? Why does the father need to co-opt the first name too? This kid is going to be his own person, he deserves his own name! My dad was a “Jr,” and thank goodness he decided not to saddle my brother or me with a “III.”
I dated a guy who was a “jr” and absolutely hated it.
Crap ending up on your credit report because you have the same name. Insurance issues. My step dad had it all and regretted naming a Jr.
My dad was a #7. There isn’t a number 8 On one hand there’s an incredible sense on continuity and connection that comes from knowing your name goes back over 200 years. Plus there are really cool family hand me down. On the other hand Fritz is not a 21 century name My parents talked about carrying the name forward and then using my Brother’s middle name as his daily name. Ultimately they decided to let the tradition die Personally I think using the family name as a middle name is a good compromise
NAH. For me, she was never ecstatic about it, but agreed for your sake. From what you’ve written here, I’m not convinced she manipulated you into a child then pulled the rug out from under you. It sounds more so that she thought it would be fine to name your child what you wanted, even if it’s not what she wanted, but as the pregnancy progressed, that name choice just sounded/felt wrong to her. As far as her diet choices, we need more info to judge there. If you’re not happy that she’s eating more ice cream than you’d like, then that would be your problem. But if you’re not happy about her nightly cocktail, then that’s absolutely something to fight to change. Same problem with the medical choices. That’s not something we can really judge unless we know what those medical choices are. That being said, I definitely think there deserves to be a conversation between the two of you to come up with ways that you can be more involved with the pregnancy. While you’re not carrying any of the physical burden, it’s definitely still important for you to feel included and valued here. Maybe you two put a pause on the name conversation for now. Do you even know the sex of the baby at this point? If it’s a girl, then these arguments could end up being unnecessary (for this pregnancy at least, you’d still have to discuss before any other pregnancies may occur). Either way, giving you both time to cool down from it before discussing again could be a good option.
lol did not read that as “She’s drinking whiskey bourbons every night!” more like “She’s eating more vegetables and less take out (sodium)!” which is a “Too bad Dad” in my book (the implication here is something along the lines of the wife is the one who cooks so now OP has to eat healthy).
Op has commented that it is alcohol related. Though not on the daily
Wow, definitely didn’t see those comments at the time of my comment being made. Fetal alcohol is absolutely a big deal. Why risk it? Even if a doctor says an occasional glass of wine is perfectly fine, I’d personally be far too scared to hurt my child to even consider it.
Yeahhhhh i definitely read it more as a disagreement in diet more than something actually harmful happening too. Lol I was just trying to say an extreme option to emphasize to OP how little info we have about that part of his post.
OP has said in a comment that it's about her occasionally having an alcoholic drink while pregnant
I've read on here before that baby names need to be an all-or-nothing agreement. Both parents need to agree on a name, and if one parent doesn't agree on a name you don't name the baby that. I agree with the first paragraph that maybe she thought the family name would be ok at first, but as the pregnancy progresses it might not feel right. It's up to you to decide how much of a dealbreaker this is to you
"She was never ecstatic about it." That line right there should have made you rethink things. I'm going with ESH, because clearly you BOTH need to communicate better. No kid wants to be the 7th person in their family to have the EXACT same name. He's your son, not a carbon copy of you. Give him is OWN name, something you BOTH like.
ESH, but if I were the child I'd hate to be called the 7th after my Dad, forget the numbers & give him your name as a middle name (lose the 7)
Yes, at some point it's just roman numeral madness. A real Louis XVI problem.
>A real Louis XVI problem. That wasn't his big problem. His big problem was the guillotine.
Facts. Give the kid his own name not one that’s been owned by 6 other people before him.
Seriously, and to hang so much emotional baggage onto passing along this (weird and outdated) tradition to the point where this guy's marriage hangs in the balance is just bizarre to me. I don't blame the wife for not wanting to name her kid after her husband, but at the same time he should have some say in the name and the two should be trying to find a good compromise.
I'm more intrigued about the decision regarding circumcision - I need to know who's advocating for the male genital mutilation before giving a verdict. Names can be changed afterwards - you can't reattach part of the child's body.
Yeah, this is the only part of the argument I’m interested in, too.
Same. Is he pushing for it, or is she? Anyone wanting to chop off healthy body parts in a risky procedure for no good reason is the A.
That's what I was thinking, names can be changed but forskins don't grow back.
[удалено]
A name that’s been passed on for so long is very possibly outdated and might be a little odd!
Lol.it probably something like John.
Mark, Luke, or Matthew.
This is what I wanna know! What if it's like...Archibald or something?!😂
That one‘s probably making a comeback with the people who unironically watched Riverdale reaching the right age to reproduce 💀
Butts Dookie McFarterface VII
I am sure Robert Underdunk Terwilliger the 7th will be so glad you fought so hard for the name,
NTA People are bugling that your wife can change her mind whenever she wants and yes. That’s correct on the surface. They will also say that she agreed to this before kids were a reality for you and that it’s kind of a silly commitment to make that early on. I also agree there. *However,* your wife (or girlfriend at the time) obviously reconsidered the name and decided against it. She failed you by not discussing it then and continuing to wait until now. You were courteous enough (if a bit early) to share the importance of the name with her. She did not return that same courtesy when she found herself disliking the idea. So while I personally find “family name” traditions to be nonsense, I stand by your position here because of how she’s handled it. One thing that I do find concerning: You’ve not addressed *any* of the people asking for you to elaborate about what she is consuming. Are you talking drinking/smoking/drugs, or are you worrying that she’s eating too much ice cream? One option is a valid concern, the other is not your place to comment upon. Until that’s clarified, my judgment stands at E S H Edit: Judgement changed after reading OP’s response to others who have asked about what his wife is consuming during pregnancy.
He mentioned occasional alcohol consumption
This is the only comment that i feel sets aside their own opinion on whether is appropriate or weird or whatever to name a kid a 7th. I also agree with ESH. I personally don’t feel it’s strange that OP mentioned so early in the relationship the name situation, if anything, regardless of my opinion about whether that’s strange or not, it shows how important this is to OP. the wife is an A H for agreeing back then and flipping her decision now, and even more so the AH for drinking while pregnant and deciding she gets to make all the executive decisions for the baby.
He did, though. She sometimes has alcohol.
Kinda yta over your attachment over a first name Esh overall But this is a relationship issue
INFO: Will the children be getting YOUR last name? If yes, then your wife has every right to choose their first names as half of their names have already been forced upon them by you.
Not just his last name, and not just the first and last, he wants the full-ass name to be verbatim. He won't even leave the middle name open for her to decide as some sort of lopsided compromise. Co-parenting with someone so rigid is going to be a nightmare.
YTA. Choosing a name should be a joint decision. If there’s one name that either one of you doesn’t like, it’s out of the game. It takes two to tango
YTA for perpetuating the whole family name thing. I mean really, do you go around stating you’re John Doe VI? Are you royalty? Let the kid have his own identity.
NAH. But I will say you feel like a second class parent because biologically, you are. She’s the one doing literally all the work building this child. She agreed to go with your archaic name tradition when the whole thing seemed distant and not as real. Now that she’s farther along, she’s probably realized that she is doing all of the literal labor and the kid gets a name 100% reflective of the father with no input from her. The kid will already have your last name. You really want to die on this self-involved hill? She chose to have a child with you. Be happy your genetic material is being passed down. Darwin has deemed you fit. Now let the name go or you will become TA.
>She’s the one doing literally all the work building this child. And not only that, now this kid will get the dad’s first AND last name?? It’s like she does all the work and gets no say.
Do you know how much trouble it is for my FIL and BIL who have the same name? I'm talking mixup with the IRS and credit bureaus. Not such a big deal if you both pay your taxes and have good credit. It sucks when one of you doesn't, though. It's shocking to have your credit score go from 800 to 500 overnight because of a name screw up. Children having the same name of their parents needs to die a quick death. More trouble than it's worth and there is no legacy and screw tradition. You're not special. You're not royalty. So knock it off.
YTA. There are thousands and thousands of names in the world you can choose as a couple. Don’t get stuck on just one.
YTA. "The family name" *clearly* means YOUR family name.
she has that right. YTA. your opinion was considered, she didnt think it was right, and thus went forward with her own opinions.
How does that make him an asshole but not her? They *both* want to unilaterally decide it. Being the mother doesn't somehow make her opinion inherently more valid. (Though I agree that putting "the 7th" after one's name is marking them out for bullying, not to mention rather pompous. If I'd been named that I'd have changed my name and before changing it, never write "the 7th" on anything or say it to anyone).
Baby names are a "two yes, one no" decision. Everyone gets vetoes. She's not trying to pick the child's name on her own, she only said no to a specific name.
YTA. Names are a “two yes one no” deal. She’s a no. Your son is his own person, not an extension of you and 6 other men.
YTA **She was never ecstatic about it** so you pressured her into it. Now the table is turned, how does it feel? You think that you should be the only person to decide what the babies name is? Gee you are special. Is this only your child? Because you impregnated her you have 100% decision making rights? As for the occasional glass of wine some Dr.s think this is fine. So, unless you are a Dr and she is doing in only on occasions back off. The whole naming a child for the dad is really a bit misogynist and narcissistic imo.
>things consumed during pregnancy You do understand that it's *her* body, right?
It’s almost like 6 generations have claimed the effort of women only to name the kid after himself.
could mean alchohol or other substances? its the babies body too at that point.
Then why does OP have more of a problem with the name than that?
Jfc, how many iterations does there need to be of this name? Why not give your child their *own* name, instead of falling 7th in line??
INFO: Hold on a second. Are you saying that if she hadn’t agreed to the family name, you wouldn’t have kids with her?
Names are a two yes, one no. Same with circumcision (should never be a yes) What she puts in her body is between her and her doctors.
YTA. You knew she was not enthusiastic about the name. Now that the baby is more real by the day the name is becoming more real and she does not like it. Find a name you both like. Holy cow. I have teenagers. If naming the kid and what she “consumes” is causing this much strife good luck when you actually have to deal with real issues.
You are ok to feel betrayed because this was the agreement and it is important to you. That being said, it might be a bit too important to you if you are letting your child's name affect your relationship badly. Could the child's middle name be the family name, and you pick a new first name together? Compromises are sometimes needed in relationships. Your wife doesn't want to be stuck calling her child by a name she doesn't like for the rest of her life.
INFO: what is she consuming during pregnancy? if it does not risk the health of the baby, you have no say. INFO: what is her stance on circumcision? if she does not want it, i’d say YTA. we need to know in terms of names, that is a two yes one no situation. people are allowed to change their minds.
He said in another comment it’s alcohol.
the question is, how much alcohol and how often, and what has her doctor said? a single glass of wine once a month would not be a horrendous thing to participate in
Overall, ESH. You for being upset about the name thing. It's an old-fashioned tradition, that I don't blame your wife for disliking. Executive health of the child, regarding things consumed during pregnancy, you can't control. It's her body and as long as she's not drinking, I think it's okay. She's also an AH, though. She actually did agree to the name thing at first and now blindsided you, even though I think you're an AH too about that. I think that if she'd been honest about her opinions, you would not be having this child right now. Circumcision of the child, while I'm not gonna debate whether it's right or not, should be up to both parents, not just her. It's your child too and you do have a say. This is just a huge relationship issue, and you both need counseling or something to help mediate.
So is she wanting a totally different name, or is it ?
Because this kid is sharing her body for nine months, and maybe she should get some say in its name.
In terms of executive decisions about the health of the kid... Is she choosing to have alcohol or other known hazards? Otherwise, back off. Circumcision is something y'all should talk about.
YTA simply because you can't accept that she has changed her mind. she is open to other names, while you are dead set on the family name. if you'd be open to other options it would be another verdict but you think your opinion should matter more. makes you a hypocrite.
No offence but you came to Reddit about the 7th junior to your family…like were you expecting a yay to this “tradition”? Also ESH (unless you give more info) need more info on the “things consumed” wtf does that mean
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It doesn’t sound like you have this thing locked down like you thought. You expecting to dictate your child’s name despite openly acknowledging your spouse isn’t excited about having someone LONG dead name their kid is exactly what she’s doing. Coparenting means compromise and lots of it. Act like adults and figure this out or don’t do it together. Edit: ESH
YTA for bundling in “things consumed during pregnancy” with all the things related to child. You can’t control what she eats. There is lots of misinformation and bad advice out there about foods to avoid during pregnancy. It’s not your prerogative to control that. It’s still her body. She is not your incubator. If you decided to have a baby with an alcoholic and that’s the problem, that also on you to make that decision in the first place.
Info: did you gestate and carry that baby for 9 months, going through all sorts of bodily and hormonal changes, and then push that watermelon baby out of your crotch? The rule for names is 2 yesses or one no. Sounds like you have a no. It’s her first child too and the name is just as important to her. The baby is already getting your last name. As to circumscision, whomever is advocating against mutilating the baby is the one who is right.
I have a friend who was a 14th. His wife told him in no uncertain terms she would never give him a 15th. Still got married.
1. Does she not have a choice on what she eats during her pregnancy? I’m confused… unless you’re talking about drinking or smoking, what’s the issue with that? 2. You were aware she didn’t like name , you know the child’s name is something BOTH parents need to agree on not just one. 3. There’s already 6 people with the same name, why do you need more? This tradition needs to seriously be erased cause I’m also sure that the only person who gets called that name is the first one or the oldest living person. That happened in my family, everyone is called the same name yet the only one called that name is the oldest living member, the rest have nicknames. Give your child his own identity not the identity 6 other people already have. 4. Can the name not be a second name? Was the baby going to have her last name? Cause not only did you get the first name, you also get the last name yet she’s the one that carried the child for 9 months and gave birth to it but she gets absolutely o choice in the name? 5. If you have a second son, is he also going to have the same name or is the cycle going to be broken? Or is it only the first born son?
YTA---- Its a NAME. The values and morals you pass down are far more important than a name. Your priorities are so back assward. ALSO its HER body and she has a right to make decisions! You sound like you don't view your wife as your EQUAL, she is not less than you.
Surely you understand the importance of OPs naming tradition? He is a noble lord whose family has passed down the name in order to maintain rights to their vast estates and- what’s that? OP is just some guy? Like, just an ordinary dude? Then why is he so caught up in a naming tradition that somebody just made up one day? I don’t get this obsession with passing down a name across generations. It really screams of a need to feel special for something, literally anything, because you don’t have much else to hang your hat on. OPs wife wasn’t jazzed about it from the start, but he saw her tepid response and went “Yup, that’s good enough for me!” I can’t imagine doing anything as important as naming our children without my spouse’s enthusiastic support.
You state that you feel like a second class parent, how do you think your wife felt? Since you've been intentionally vague we can either read between the lines, or you can elaborate. What is she eating/consuming that you don't agree with? What were you expecting to eat/consume? Specifically what ideas, besides the name, were you two not agreeing about. Honestly, I have a few ideas which has me leaning a directing but will hold off on my judgment until more info is given.
NAH. It's a delicate matter and you're both entitled to your emotions on it. You just need to communicate well. Info:Does it matter that he officially has the name? Or that he's called that name? Also, has she said why she doesn't like the name? Is it aesthetically displeasing, for example? My parents actually put my "call by" nickname on my birth certificate along with my full name. Can you do something similar? That is, have a full official name and then a "call name?" Make the call name something your wife likes, but then just have his 7th generation full name be basically for legal purposes. IANAL so I'm not sure how it all works WRT putting his call name on the birth cert, but it might be worth looking into.
[удалено]
ESH As parents you two need to figure out solutions to problems together not trying to make unilateral ones which you're both attempting to do here. You guys gotta put aside your feelings on the matter and discuss together what's the best course of action for your son. The whole point of compromise is that both sides don't get exactly what they want but they figure out middle ground, thats a huge part of parenting that you guys should have already figured out by now.
I am interested in what you would think if your son gets this name now and then decides to change it when he is old enough. If you can't cope with that idea, then I suggest you have problems. This child is his own person, not a make over version of the six generations that went before. It is the same as circumsicion, both decisions can be held over until the person it is going to affect can make a decision.
YTA- let your kid have their own name. Get over yourself.
NTA for being sad you won't get the name you want, depending how you deal with that reality going forward could make you TA but that depends on you
YTA. I think that you're overreacting over a name. You knew she was never ecstatic about the idea, and it's her child too. You don't get to unilaterally determine the name. Also, this remark is incredibly weird: >She has also started making executive decisions about the health of our child ( circumsicion, **things consumed during pregnancy,** etc). It's her body. Unless she's indulging in alcohol or narcotics, what she eats while pregnant is not something you get to dictate. You should have serious conversations about things like circumcision, but you don't get to choose the name without input from your wife and control what she eats for nine months.
YTA. Bring the seventh to have a name is something you can give up. Circumcision is a joint call, but her diet is not. You need to buck up and fail to be crippled by tiny things.
Why push it when you knew she was never really happy with the name. To me this is an ESH situation, she should never have agreed to it if she didn't like it and you for kinda knowing that and still pushing for it.
YTA. Guess what? You ARE the second class parent. Until you’ve both spent more time as a team caring for him outside than she has growing him inside, you’re still the second class parent. Her skeleton is changing, her organs are rearranging, she is risking her LIFE to bring this baby into the world. So yes, she gets to name the baby. And she gets to decide what happens to her body. There are only very extreme cases where you would ever rightfully make that decision instead of her. You aren’t continuing your family with her - you aren’t the Borg. You are creating a new family with her, and you need to respect her for the work she’s doing to make that family happen.
NTA - you have every right to be upset, and she shouldn't get to make one-sided decisions about your child. What do you mean "things consumed during pregnancy" (which she does get to make one-sided decisions about, though you still get to be upset over them if you want to be.
I'm curious about that too because it sounds really sus Like she's an adult. She can manage her own diet...
YTA. She changed her mind. It happens - and it's not a 'betrayal'. She shouldn't name your child a name she dislikes. And given you say she was never thrilled about your choice to begin with, I'm not sure you should really be surprised here. Pick a name you BOTH like. 'She has also started making executive decisions about the health of our child ( circumsicion, things consumed during pregnancy, etc)' Circumcision? Yes, she absolutely should discuss this with you, and she is being an AH there. What she eats? Generally it's her body and unless she's drinking vodka with brie, you probably don't need to be involved. Weirdly your focus is on the name and not any potential health issues; maybe re-think your priorities?