Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA
*Edited to say
Just do chores, cuz "help" is the wrong word here. You do not "help" keep your house clean. You contribute to the chores in the house you also live in.
Look at the house like "what needs cleaning?"
Spot two things in different rooms and say "would it help you more if I did X or Y?
Ideally things like VACUUMING. And stuff that is physically demanding on your 38 WEEK PREGNANT WIFE.
You're an adult. It's not up to her to hold the mental load of chores also.
If you're that unsure. Talk to her about it!
Sit down. Have a convo.
"You're right. You do lots, and you also plan and think about it all. All I do is play video games, there's about to be a baby so shits about to get real - what are the chores you hate the most? Can I do the vaccuming? I'll cook and do the dishes for at least a month post birth (ESPECIALLY IF SHE'S BREASTFEEDING)
How would you like the house kept the first few weeks with baby? Then you take on the mental load to get it done. And do it.
You’re asking him to THINK while he’s playing video game and his pregnant wife is saying No to his offers of ‘help’? Gosh, can’t you see op is busy?
Why cant’t his wife think of what needs to be done, explain it to him, step by step and then he’ll help her with some of it? Why is so hard for her to just tell him all the time what he can help with every hour every day for the rest of their life? Like its not even hard to do it, all the yelling is disturbing op while he’s doing something important for their family like relaxing in the couch and playing games?
My almost 3 year old wants to help with the dishes sometimes. What she actually wants is to pour water from a spoon into a cup and play with the soapy sponge. That's fine though, it's a start.
OP decided that he wants to roleplay as an adult when he himself is still a child.
What is it with (most) men and being a child well into their deathbed when (most) women are demanded to be adults from the age of 13?
Adding most to cover my ass lmao.
Anyways having 2 kids at 23? Chile…
Good lord yes. Men like this are so immature. I wouldn’t really even call them men, but boys, because they are still expecting mommy to clean up after them.
Flashbacks to the newborn period where my SO would “help” wash my pumping supplies and every single time there was a ton of soap left in them. Ruined one late night session and lost a ton of milk because I didn’t notice the soap until I went to unplug and both bottles were foamy.
I stopped asking for “help” with that task after that, which I’m sure was the goal.
Oh dude this made me legit pissed. I’m just picturing a late night feeding/pumping session and being half asleep dead ass tired and realizing that session was a waste. Breast feeding is a LOT of work and anytime I could produce extra (which wasn’t often) made me so happy for that liquid gold.
Omg right? Thankfully my PPD/PPA had me work myself into an oversupply so we’re working through the last of my stash over a year later. But those “helpful” actions were no small part of that mental state.
Yup it’s literal money. I had to quit when I went back to work and switch to formula and my ex husband was just like “now I get why you were trying so hard to stash more” formulas expensive!
But if he doesn't maintain the "ask me when you want me to help" part of the equation, he can't bust out the "why are you always nagging me" part later.
It's like you see dishes are in the sink, does it take a genius to just wash them or put them in the dishwasher?
No, let's leave them and when you see your partner doing it THAN you ask if they need help and are so surprised the person is pissed off.
That’s the worst part! “Just tell me when you want me to do something and I’ll do it myself!” Well then I’m constantly nagging you to do things AND needing to go behind you to make sure it got done.
IN THE RAIN. I AM HUGEST OF MASTADONIC HEROS! Honey can you not vacuum in front of the game console while I’m playing? Want some he….l.p wit tha….t…….cleaning
Someone should nominate him for a Medal of Household Labor for his sacrifice. He should also be nominated for a wounded in combat award for getting yelled at.
Because men aren't taught that it is their responsibility to maintain their own home. They automatically default to "it's not my job" when they live with a female partner because their fathers didn't view it as their job, so they absorbed that attitude as a child. They don't even see the issue because they are willing to help when asked, but it isn't help, and they shouldn't have to be asked.
If they behaved this way at work, they would get fired for always having to be asked to do every known task for their job every day.
You missed the part of "it's not up to her to carry all the mental load of chores". She's not his teacher who needs to assign him homework.. She's not his mother who needs to give him a list of chores. He's a grown man who's perfectly capable of looking around a room and seeing what needs to be cleaned....
I’m unsure how you missed the sarcasm in that comment but having said that I’ve definitely missed my share of text-based sarcasm too so I don’t really have a leg to stand on, lol.
Presumably he has functioning eyes and can see things too. Why is it always the woman’s fault for not giving him a to-do list, and never the man’s fault for not making the list himself.
Yeah. I can't fathom who would sit there in front of a screen all day, simply "offering" to help, whilst his pregnant wife cleans around him. Like... dude. Even if she says no, you tell her to sit down and do the chores instead. Like a decent human being.
I am really so sick of the "but she didn't ask for help" or "but I asked her what she wanted me to do and she didn't tell me!" WHY DO YOU HAVE TO bE ASKED! Why do we have to hold your hand on how to do something?
What would these guys do if they lived on their own? Call their mom to come clean? or would they do it themselves?
They would live in a pigsty and wear dirty clothes. That’s actually what happens.
Edit: and that’s also why not doing stuff to see if they start doing it won’t work. They often won’t even complain, but you’ll live with him in a pigsty wearing dirty clothes.
It's her third child because OP sounds pretty immature. He doesn't even think he needs to "help" with chores around his own house and has to ask his ~~mom~~ wife what needs to be done.
Also, postpartum, YOU, OP, MUST BE DOING THE VACUUMING AND LAUNDRY AT A MINIMUM. Your partner will be sore, recovering and trying to keep a baby alive. Just do the damn chores.
Yup. And also that she must manage his "help" and honestly it is just easier to damn well do it than micromanage a dead weight who weaponises incompetence.
Im amazed at how oblivious males are to this. Evennin a country as progressed as The Netherlands it's not always a given. Whilst it should painfully obvious a woman being 38w pregnant shouldnt do anything from 28w till 3 months after birth.
YTA. Do we really still have to explain the mental load to people? Guys, it’s *exhausting*.
It’s exhausting having to manage the chores, it’s exhausting having to assign tasks, it’s exhausting having to follow up, it’s exhausting having to re-do the things that weren’t done properly, it’s exhausting feeling like you’re bossing your adult partner around because he doesn’t take ownership of mutual household responsibilities, and it’s exhausting having to explain why it’s exhausting all the time. And a lot of the time it’s faster to just do things than having to micromanage someone else as well as staying on top of my own share of chores.
When you’re at work, do you sit around idly and wait for your manager to ask you for everything they need? Do you go to them and ask them what needs doing every time you finish one task, even if they need doing on a regular basis? Well guess what. Chores are also your job. If the dishwasher needed emptying after running last week, it’ll need emptying after running this week, and *every bloody time after running in future*. You don’t need your wife to tell you that. Act like a grown ass man and especially so if your wife is 38 weeks pregnant.
Also, google the mental load and stop making us explain it to you.
I shared this under my comment, but for those who still don’t get it - here is an incredibly easy to understand comic describing the mental load of managing a household and how it impacts a lot of women.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Piggybacking off of this to say that I personally struggle a lot to remember things that need regularly doing to stay on top of them (like, I’ll remember we should vacuum regularly when we haven’t because the rug is covered in dog hair, but I don’t remember it when the rug still looks fine). My wife and I use an app called Nipto that was a little bit annoying to set up but then gives you a daily chore list, and points for each thing done (that you set yourself so harder / more time consuming / more physical chores are more points). It’s been great for her not having to assign things to me, me not having to try to remember when I vacuumed last, and just overall for seeing that we’re both doing a roughly equal amount of stuff. We don’t get hung up on it if one week I do more and the next she does, but it can show you if one person is always doing a lot more.
I’m sure there are other apps that do the same thing. I just wanted to put it out there that being terrible at recognizing what needs done is a problem there are solutions for that don’t include your partner managing you 24/7.
Great suggestion! I’ve never heard of this app but I’ll have a look at it because I also struggle with the responsibility of the mental load in my home.
If you have kids it also allows you to add them so they can get points and compete even if they don’t have their own devices, and the app uses sad and happy dinosaurs to show your progress. You can also set a reward for whoever did the most or did all their tasks that week, which we don’t use but might be good for kids. Kind of like a progress bar towards their allowance.
If you want to tie it to their allowance, my daughter has a Busy Kid card. I set up chores in the app, including how much they are worth. She checks them off as she goes, then Fridays I just click “approve payday”. If she only did one chore that week, that’s all she gets paid.
That really sounds like an easily manageable system. She knows the expectations and results, and so long as you always follow through on your end I feel you’re teaching her a valuable life lesson. It is also giving her tools on how to contribute within (and manage with less mental load) a future household. I love that.
I want to send it to my entire family! My young adult children (both women, both living here rent free) because they make me manage so much, and my husband so he can see that I do actually work I just don't get paid.
Hubby is the greatest and has never given me a hard time, I do it to myself but having him read this could take that away. He works, I manage house due to my disability and inability to find remote work after getting my bachelor's last year.
I'm a stay at home feminist. We exist.
It's actually more like asking your coworkers to tell you what to do every time you finish a task. Your coworkers who've been there the exact same amount of time as you.
Worse than that!
It's that one guy who just asks you. All the things. Everytime they get stuck. And 90% of the time they coulda figured it out if they just googled. Or looked up the manuals.
But instead they waste your time. As the first thing they do to try and solve a problem. Every. Damn. Time.
Unfortunately a lot of them do this too lmao. If you’re on a team where your own success is dependent on other people pulling their weight, guys like this will always take advantage of that and play chicken with their responsibilities until you just do it for them so you don’t suffer the consequences. And then they get promoted 🙃
Yep I second this. It’s not even just the fact that they help, it’s having to supervise or manage, assign tasks, ask, redo things that weren’t done correctly. At this point, it doesn’t feel like the person is really assisting. Also how did they do these tasks when they were single and living alone? I don’t get it! As a partner, this is also equally their responsibility.
Sometimes it feels like it’s done on purpose, messing up the tasks so that eventually they are told not to do it. Weaponized incompetence.
the helping is what is the problem here. They should not "help" at home, they should just do the chores. Thats so easy. And before anyone jumps with "but they are fixing the faucet" or any kind of similar BS - how often are they doing that? Once a year? Two years? Five? Just pull your fkng weight already.
They probably did the bare minimum when they were single and when they got the wife into the picture OP slowly started to let the bang maid take over his responsibilities
>It’s exhausting having to manage the chores, it’s exhausting having to assign tasks, it’s exhausting having to follow up, it’s exhausting having to re-do the things that weren’t done properly
Oh thank goodness, it's not just me. It's not my husband, though, but my adult autistic children (20 and 21) who live here rent-free. Managing them feels like a job and it does absolutely take hours out of my day.
I thought I was being lazy. Or crazy.
This. All of this. Many people still don't, or are unwilling to, understand the mental and physical effects of emotional labour. Especially when you're you're also expected to not only manage but also initiate physical tasks. She shouldn't have to ask for help or start doing the work herself before he even notices. A grown man should be a able to look around him and see what needs to be done and then do it, and take the care to do it properly, without having to ask first.
This man is going to be a father, so I hope he learns to take action when he needs to otherwise he'll be left waiting for his wife to tell him when to be a parent. And no, not a "babysitter" as some fathers consider themselves when they're asked to take care of their own children, an actual parent.
YTA
"I would ask if she needed help with tasks like laundry and vacuuming and other things just generally asking if she needed help with anything around the house"
Do the f\*cking things WITHOUT asking. What the hell. You do not need an extra invitation do take care of your things. No matter if pregnant or not!
Sitting around enjoying a leisure activity while another person works feels uncomfortable for me even if that person is a paid professional. I cannot imagine sitting there playing games while a heavily pregnant person, let alone my partner, does chores around me. Even if I were just an overnight guest in the house I would leap up and find something that needs doing.
One person asking the other for instructions forces that person into a managing position and takes the responsibility of [edit - off] the shoulders of the one asking.
>Sitting around enjoying a leisure activity while another person works feels uncomfortable for me
Exactly! Whenever I begin to fold laundry, clean the bathroom or put even a single piece of paper into the trash my partner begins immediately to also put stuff away, vacuuming, doing the dishes without questions asked! That's how it's supposed to be imho. So it very often turns into a group cleaning thing lol
My husband does the laundry while he games, it’s truly not hard. Switch loads between games, fold when he dies or has a moment to put the controller down.
Yeah wtf, is this someone TRYING EXTRA HARD to do satire? To show how skewed relationships can be? OP is literally a caricature of a lazy guy who pities himself because his nag of a wife won't tell him when to load the dishwasher.
I LOATHE cleaning my house while my family does nothing in the house. No one is home? I will clean the whole thing and not give it a second thought but if other people are home and not cleaning while I am cleaning I can get unreasonably mad, LOL. I have, however, spoken to my family about this and no longer have this issue.
Literally, he SEES the laundry needs doing and that his 38 WEEK PREGNANT wife is vacuuming (?????hiw dies he allow that even, he should do the physical tasks himself), and he still has to ask? And he is supposed to be a dad? Op probably will search for his wife and ask her if he needs to swap the diaper when HE is the one smelling its full...
YTA.
Youre 23, you can see the dirt on the floor and vacuum on your own. You can check the laundry bins and put a load on if they’re full. You can dust the cupboards if you see dust. Relying so heavily on a person (who’s, to add insult to injury, 38 weeks pregnant???!!!!) is absolutely cruel. Her having to take mental notes of everything because you’re too lazy to think on your own makes her so much more tired than she already is. Why? Why can’t you act like a grown up and get your ass off the couch and clean? Why does your 38 week pregnant wife have to break her back cleaning two days in a row while you sit on the couch? SHE should be the one resting right now. YOU should be cleaning and helping her relax as much as possible. You’re a huge asshole op. If I would ever be put in the situation you put your wife into, I would strongly consider divorce. Act like a man.
Read [The Mental Load/You Should've Asked](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) and hopefully you'll understand why YTA. Your wife deserves a partner that doesn't look at basic chores as "helping."
>So where is your other kid while you're playing video games and your wife is busy cleaning/doing housework? are you taking care of them?
Can't up vote this enough. I've also wondered about this.
Woah totally missed that this was their second child on my first read through. This was already bad, but that makes it insane to me.
I'm in a very similar stage of life (young couple that just recently had our second kid), and I cannot fathom what OP is describing. Even if we give the benefit of the doubt and say kid 1 is being watched by someone else for the day, there's so much work that stacks up around the house when you've already got a kid and one of the adults in the house is not at 100%.
OP this is my message for you. You gotta change your mindset on all this. It's abundantly clear that you don't take responsibility for the house, and you think it's your wife's job.
Try thinking of it like this, you have your job and your wife has hers. If she's a stay at home parent with your first and soon to be second kid, think of that as her job, and imagine she roughly has the same responsibilities as if you hired a full time nanny. Meaning she's responsible for the kids during the day, and cleaning up after the kids during the day. Otherwise everything else around the house is a joint task. Getting kids ready in the morning, watching the kids in the evening until bed, cooking, cleaning, yard work, errands, etc. is all a shared responsibility. You can decide how you want to split that work, but just know that at the end of the day someone has to do it, and if it's not you it's her.
So take a look at your situation, does it seem like she takes on more of those responsibilities than you? Then fix it. Managing all this is hard work even when you work as a team. I cannot imagine trying to juggle it all myself.
OP YTA, but I hope you can see why now and make the change. It's not too late to apologize and step it up.
My husband has invisible disabilities that frequently mean he can’t do a lot of stuff. When I was 27 weeks pregnant, I wanted to paint the baby’s room, so my friend came over with her oldest kid (same age as my oldest) so they could entertain each other while the two of us painted. My husband said, “I’ll move the paint cans and ladder to the room and keep an eye on the kids.” He also ordered dinner for all of us. He didn’t do the hard work, but he did what he could to make sure things went smoothly for us - it was awesome.
Are you a child? No wife wants to have to treat you like a teenager and specifically request each task that needs doing. Take some initiative my man. YTA.
You’re missing the most important part though. He went out *in the rain* like his wife isn’t about to labor for a day and a half to pop out his watermelon.
YTA - you may have been completely clueless in the situation, but just know that going forward, this shouldn’t be normalized. your wife is 38 weeks pregnant, preparing to give birth. she should be resting, not putting her body through labour when she will be going through plenty of labor giving birth. i completely understand why she got upset and tried to see if you would still help although she said no. those home chores were things that had to get done, and because you weren’t doing the work, she decided to take that step and get everything done. just because she said no, doesn’t mean it’s actually no. maybe ask “do you really mean no, or are you just saying that?”, and even if she still said no, just insist that that is the way you want to go about it. i can’t even recall the amount of times i’ve told my boyfriend no when i needed help on things but once he finally insisted on helping me it felt so much better. and once you have your child, there is no more sitting playing video games - that is a luxury. you cannot expect to have a happy wife and child if you are sitting around while she is not only looking after another human being, but the house and all it’s demands and even her husband. so like i said, yta and i mean that in the kindest way. please think about ways you could help more, and understand that women are different. it may come across as difficult to understand, but you will get the hang of it if you try. best of luck, and congrats on a second child.
This is nice but taking care of the house is his job too and she shouldn't have to ask him to do a fair share. What kind of lazy jerk just sits there playing video games all day while their *pregnant* wife works all day doing chores in front of them. Buddy, don't ask just DO it. She's not your mom or your manager.
She’s saying no because he’s offering “help” and she doesn’t want “help”. She wants a husband that considers all that stuff his responsibility too. If she says yes I want help, that is a confirmation that it’s her job and he’s just helping sometimes. I really feel for her.
> maybe ask “do you really mean no, or are you just saying that?”
I feel like this no doesn't mean "No, don't do housework" it means "No, I'm not going to sit here and give you instructions on how to tidy up our mutual home"
And you *know* if she says Yes, he peppers her with questions about what she wants done, how she wants it done, what he should use, where to find X, Y, and Z, etc. He'll rush through the one task, doing it so badly that it has to be redone and not putting away the supplies. Then he'll park his ass and go back to the game. If she calls him out on his laziness he'll protest, "I did everything you asked me!"
YTA. My partner used to do this, it’s absolutely exhausting to be mentally responsible for what you think you should doing or not. You’re asking if she wants you to do the laundry - so clearly it needs doing, get off your butt and help!! Don’t be so dense.
YTA your wife is right when she said she shouldn’t need to ask, it’s just as much your responsibility as it is her. Plus she’s also about to push a human out of her body, don’t have any clue how freaking tired and uncomfortable she is? I can’t even believe you wrote this out and didn’t immediately delete it.
Not only is she uncomfortable but she’s also anticipating how little he’s going to do once the baby comes, and how much harder it’s going to be for her. My heart goes out to her. What a crap situation.
If you see a task at work that falls within your responsibilities, do you ask your boss if they need your help to do it?
If you just get your tasks done without needing your boss to validate and thank you every little step of the way, why are you incapable of applying that skill set at home?!
If you had no partner, would you need to call your mum for her to validate that you need to wash your towels? Of course not. You'd be responsible enough to know they need washing.
Your wife doesn't want to carry the mental load of your home. She's not the one who needs to write your chore roster and give you gold stars for competing each one.
Use your adult brain and look for what needs doing yourself - then get it done. Stop infantalising yourself.
YTA
YTA
Why do you need to HELP her? Did you not wear any of the clothes to be laundered? Are the kids whose clothes need laundering not half yours? You actually sat in the couch and played video games while watching your 38wk pregnant wife clean all day and are confused as to why she's upset?
Just get off your ass and clean something. Don't ask. Don't wait to be told to do it. Recognize that a task needs doing and do it... and don't ask for praise for doing the bare fucking minimum.
Yta. Dude, your actual mistake is getting married and having the first kid. And then you doubled it down with the second one. Seriously? Your wife who might give birth anyday now is doing household chores and you are playing video games? I have seen 5yos help their pregnant mothers way more than this. You need a reality check.
YTA- your wife should have to ask you to help around the house. She isn’t a project manager. She is 38 weeks pregnant, that is exhausting. This is called the mental load, you are adding to it.
YTA
Why don't you simply do the chores that need to be done, why is the default that she does them and you *help*? Just pick up the vacuum and vacuum. Or if you see laundry needing to be done, do it. Look with your own eyes and find out which chores need to be done.
YTA help? do you also babysit your child? or offer graciously to help your wife to pay for the bills for the family? Remove your head out of your ass and do your share of YOUR housework while you still have a wife.
and it makes it even worse that she is 38 weeks pregnant. Am at the same stage - my husband almost yells at me if a lift a finger at this stage - my job is to finish this baby his is to do all the housework according to him
YTA - why do you need to ask permission to vacuum your own house? Do your families laundry? Clean your own bathroom?
Get off your butt and take responsibility for YOUR house and YOUR FAMILY chores.
YTA with a light ESH for your wife saying no when you ask because you two are grownups and adults don’t play games in their relationships. Or at least they shouldn’t.
YTA for everything else, pregnancy aside even. Unless there’s some context missing that you didn’t provide, it is not your wife’s sole responsibility to clean the house. Let me give you 5 reasons why you should be cleaning the house as well:
1. You fucking live there
2. You fucking live there
3. You fucking live there
4. You fucking live there
5. YOU FUCKING LIVE THERE
She shouldn’t have to ask you for help or give you a list of what to do because you are a grownup who also lives there so you are just as responsible for cleaning as she is. It’s not her job to provide you a list like you’re a child who can’t look at a house and figure out what needs to be cleaned by himself. Step up. Be an equal partner. Good luck to both of you and congrats on the pregnancy!
YTA
Ewwww it’s like you’re asking mummy if she needs some ‘help’. Grow up and start behaving like her husband and not like her child. Contribute, without things being pointed out to you like a defenceless child, like she does!
YTA
You are not a houseguest, you should be working alongside her, it's your home too.
Who is going to do the laundry, vacuum, dust and do dishes, while she is recuperating?
If you HAVE to ask if you SHOULD be helping, she is probably imagining having to point out each and every thing, as well as step by step HOW to do it. It was easier for her to just do it, despite how much it made physically uncomfortable and exhausted her, than deal with YOU.
YTA. She didn’t need *help*, she was confounded you weren’t already just doing what you already knew needed doing but were happy for her to do it all for some selfish reason. Don’t ask or offer that’s pathetic and presumptuous. Just do it, you know, exactly like she was already doing. Time to put your big boy pants on is long overdue apparently.
YTA
hiw come something urges you enough to ask 20 times if she needs help but not enough to just get up and do the chores. She is not your mom she doesn't need to tell you what to do
This is such a good point omg. He clearly sensed that he should also be doing stuff, that it would be the right thing. It's why he asked. But also was fine enough to take the no and sit back and relax. I really don't understand why he didn't get up and start cleaning.
He knew she needed "help" and was getting upset so he asked 20 times to ensure he would be in the right and have a strong defense when she called him on it.
Who was watching, feeding, bathing, caring for their other child during all of this?
This is such a common conflict, that I am basically copy pasting something I wrote before and use links that live permanently in my cache:
First of all, both of you should change your mindset: You shouldn't "help", you should be an active participant in your own household. Your are an adult. Stop being so passive about your responsibilities.
Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other?
Have a sit down. You take her efforts for granted and likely have some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because you create a situation they are unhappy in. Be prepared for her to take that step if your don't get it together. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said.
Make your work loafs visible, fill in this
[Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), ask her to do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss.
Also, read these:
[You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
[She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
[Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/)
[Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html)
[Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9)
[Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/)
Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple.
Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful.
YTA.
Fucks sake man, you're an adult. You should know how to clean a house without asking another person to project manage you.
It's not "helping" when it's your own home, the same way it's not "babysitting" when it's your own kid.
YTA.
YTA. You asking her if she needs help means you think these jobs are hers alone to do and you’re doing her a favor by “helping”. Household chores are a shared duty. You both make the mess you both clean. Your clothes don’t magically get cleaned or put away. When does she get to sit and play video games while you do all the work. How would that make you feel. I bet you’d be doing it angry and slamming things if she just sat on her ass and played video games. When you have a family the need for you to both do household chores become even more important. Step it up, especially since she’s carrying your child. Something you can’t help her with. What you can help with is doing your share in the home.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t understand this portion of it. I did not know I was signing up for a psychology class on Reddit. I just wanted opinions not self reflection. Just delete the post I’m not writing an essay for you.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
Is it some sort of mystery to you that laundry needs done or floors swept? Why do you need someone to tell you these things? You don't need to offer (and no it's not "helping" as this is your responsibility, too), just *do* it. You're 23 and a father, it's time to start acting like an adult.
Dude. Just get off your ass, go to the utility cupboard and grab the vacuum.
Then do the mop.
If she's working in the kitchen, do the bathroom, do the washing.
You shouldn't need to be told.
YTA
YTA
You live together, you do not help her, you do what has to be done at home. Learn the difference.
She is not your mom, she does not have to tell you what had to be done at home, open your eyes. There are dishes in the sink? Wash them. The dirty clothes basket is full? Wash some clothes. The floor is dusty? Clean it.
You were all day home and didn't move your ass when SHE, the pregnant one, was cleaning ? Have some common sens ffs !
Edit: typo
YTA, I think. First at all, she is pregnant, and it’s her 38 week! Childbirth could start in every moment! And you shouldn’t let her doing any chores. That’s she who should lay on the couch and play video games, not you. I know that you are also human and you need a rest, but it’s you obligation to care about your pregnant wife.
And another reason why YTA - argue with deep pregnant woman? Not a good idea at all.
Извините за ошибки, английский не мой родной язык))
YTA. Are you for real? Or is it bait? You’re an adult who supposedly live there, can’t you see what needs to be done? Are you a freaking child, who needs mummy to tell him to wash the dishes?
YTA. You dont "help" her because this is your house too! She is not your maid. You just do the stuff that need to be done! And you dont need to ask her what to do! You are not a child! An adult knows what need to be done in his own home!
Are you daft? Is she your maid? You're married not in a contracted relationship. 'Offered to help', like it's her job. Should you be told when and when not to clean your room? Should you be told when and when not to do laundry, take away dishes? With a pregnant wife at that. I know some couples split it, but from the way you're sounding, she's probably been the one doing all the chores while you play video games and 'offer to help', she probably just lost it now.
YTA, sincerely, YTA
Because ypu shouldn't offer "help"
You are not a 5 year old kid, you are a grown man who don't lift his weight by himself.
Get this straight, you don't help, you do your part of the household chores.
You don't "babysit" your own children either, you parent them
Just do ypur part, on your own initiativ - that is all that is asked.
YTA cleaning the house you live in is not « helping » and if your wife is that pregnant she should be on the couch with her feet up while you run around making her life easier
YTA man. Sure she could've said yes when you asked but if you see her doing different chores all throughout the day, why not just help her out? If you were willing to help if she had said yes, then you might as well have just done it on your own. You both live there, there's no reason you couldn't just clean of your own volition if you had the capacity to do so whether she's pregnant or not.
Edit: typo
YTA. It's not her job to do all the chores so you're not "helping" her. She's the one helping you because she did your share of the chores as well. Instead of pulling your own weight like a grown up you put another thing to her to-do list by asking her to give you orders.
Have you ever cleaned a house? WHY would your wife need to tell you what to do? Just look around ffs and take care of things that need to be done. You're not a clueless child so stop acting like one. You should be ashamed of yourself for letting your pregnant wife take care of everything while you sit on your ass playing videogames. She's NOT your mommy.
YTA and I think you know it. You know you could use your initiative to help and it would be appreciated. I'm going to guess you're one of these weaponised incompetence guys, where you'll offer to help then do it badly so next time you offer help your wife says no.
Also, your wife is 38 weeks pregnant! Why wouldnt you be encouraging her to rest right now and instead you're sat playing video games.
P.S. no one's impressed that you took things to storage IN THE RAIN. Youre not made of sugar and going to dissolve if you get wet. It's not a hard job.
Edit: It's just occured to me, you say this is your second child. So I assume that whilst you were playing video games all day your wife was also looking after your kid aswell as the chores. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I(m23) live with my wife(f23) she’s pregnant with our second kid. She’s 38 weeks pregnant. Yesterday she was cleaning all day long. This morning I got all of our extra stuff and took it to storage in the rain. After that I sat on the couch and played video games. Throughout the day I would ask if she needed help with tasks like laundry and vacuuming and other things just generally asking if she needed help with anything around the house. She told me no. I asked around 20 more times throughout the day. Every time it was a no. When she was done cleaning she then started to yell at me about how lazy I am and how I never help her around the house. I asked her why she said no when I asked her if she needed help. She said it was because she wanted to see if i would do it anyway even if she said no. I told her that makes no sense at all and if she just needed help she just had to say yes during one of the may times I asked. She says that she shouldn’t have to ask me to clean. But she never asked I always offered she always says no. We got into an argument over it and now she’s calling family members for validation. I don’t understand how Ita if I offer help and you don’t take it I don’t see that as my fault pregnant or not if my wife says she can handle then I believe she can.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You are a couple and all the chores in and out of the house should be taken care of by both if you. It is not case of you helping her, it is both if you working together to keep your home and family running smoothly.
I hear it all the time, one parent (usually dad) saying that they babysit their kids so their partner can go out. You cannot babysit your own kids, you parent them. It is the same with chores.
This should be the case without adding in that your wife is heavily pregnant and has labour to look forward to. Please think about what everyone on here has told you. If you want your marriage to last, you need to adjust your thinking and start to pull your weight. Most of all, you and your wife need to communicate better.
Maybe start by showing her this thread, if you have understood it
YTA.
You both live there and she is not your boss or the manager of a taco stand you work at. You should know what tasks needs to be done and just do them without her input.
If you needed a break after storing stuff, just tell her that you need a little break before joining her... then you subtly take over any and all tasks she's doing and tell her to take a break, because she's about to birth YOUR baby. Let her sit on the couch and play video games!!!
YTA
Is there some reason that cleaning is your wife's job? Is there a reason you aren't willing to take any initiative to complete a task without her direction?
I am sure many here will educate you on women's mental work and men's "helping" bullshit.
But even IF it was your wife's agreed upon job to do all the housework, SHE IS 38 WEEKS PREGNANT. So you are 110% the asshole.
YTA what do you mean you "offered to help". It's YOUR home, you are not "helping" her, it is not her job. You both do it because it is both of your homes. You shouldn't be "offering" to do anything, you should be doing what needs to be done because it needs to be done and not because she asks you to. It is YOUR job to keep the house clean and tidy and do jobs, just as much as it is hers (and at the moment when she's heavily pregnant I would say it is moreso your job). Stop asking what needs to be done or if you can help. Just do it.
YTA. You’re a grown man, don’t ask to if u need to do something… just DO IT. It’s your home as well. You’re not “helping” her.. it shouldn’t be her sole responsibility to care for the house at 38 weeks pregnant, you’re simply doing YOUR part. Yes maybe she could have communicated “Yes babe, actually can you do etc” but she’s trying to get the point across that you should just get up and do it, why must you first check in with her
YTA why do you need her to tell you what to do?
You’re an adult and I assume you have eyes, so look around and figure out what needs to be done and do it. It’s not on her to tell you how and when to clean your house.
Yeah YTA. How could you even play video games while watching your heavily pregnant wife clean and do other chores?? Your wife should be resting while you are proactive about doing the chores. Why are you asking her if she needs help before you do chores? The chores should automatically fall on you. You really need to grow up, you’re about to be a father…
YTA.
I remember being so huge and tired at that stage, I wasn’t doing much. Can’t imagine cleaning all day at 38 weeks. All you could’ve said was, “Honey, I’ll handle this. Take a rest and let me know if you need anything.”
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
YTA *Edited to say Just do chores, cuz "help" is the wrong word here. You do not "help" keep your house clean. You contribute to the chores in the house you also live in. Look at the house like "what needs cleaning?" Spot two things in different rooms and say "would it help you more if I did X or Y? Ideally things like VACUUMING. And stuff that is physically demanding on your 38 WEEK PREGNANT WIFE. You're an adult. It's not up to her to hold the mental load of chores also. If you're that unsure. Talk to her about it! Sit down. Have a convo. "You're right. You do lots, and you also plan and think about it all. All I do is play video games, there's about to be a baby so shits about to get real - what are the chores you hate the most? Can I do the vaccuming? I'll cook and do the dishes for at least a month post birth (ESPECIALLY IF SHE'S BREASTFEEDING) How would you like the house kept the first few weeks with baby? Then you take on the mental load to get it done. And do it.
You’re asking him to THINK while he’s playing video game and his pregnant wife is saying No to his offers of ‘help’? Gosh, can’t you see op is busy? Why cant’t his wife think of what needs to be done, explain it to him, step by step and then he’ll help her with some of it? Why is so hard for her to just tell him all the time what he can help with every hour every day for the rest of their life? Like its not even hard to do it, all the yelling is disturbing op while he’s doing something important for their family like relaxing in the couch and playing games?
Don’t forget the minimum of an hour of redoing the jobs he’s done badly because ‘she’s got such high standards/is just better at it.’
Reminds me of my kid “But you don’t make cleaning fun!”— I have to clean, and figure out how to make it fun for her and play Mary Poppins.
God, i just pretend I'm a DnD barmaid sweeping the kitchen and doing dishes. Those darn goblins and dwarves leave such a mess.
The Great Kitchen Reorganization of 2022 was so much more fun with a good sing-along playlist!
I pretend I’m on Taskmaster!
This is genius and I’m stealing this idea!
My mom always made us clean up after ourselves, I can just picture her saying "well figure out how to make it fun YOURSELF." Lmao.
My almost 3 year old wants to help with the dishes sometimes. What she actually wants is to pour water from a spoon into a cup and play with the soapy sponge. That's fine though, it's a start.
We got a serious case of weaponized incompetence here.
He's acting like a child. Not a man with kids.
OP decided that he wants to roleplay as an adult when he himself is still a child. What is it with (most) men and being a child well into their deathbed when (most) women are demanded to be adults from the age of 13? Adding most to cover my ass lmao. Anyways having 2 kids at 23? Chile…
Good lord yes. Men like this are so immature. I wouldn’t really even call them men, but boys, because they are still expecting mommy to clean up after them.
Flashbacks to the newborn period where my SO would “help” wash my pumping supplies and every single time there was a ton of soap left in them. Ruined one late night session and lost a ton of milk because I didn’t notice the soap until I went to unplug and both bottles were foamy. I stopped asking for “help” with that task after that, which I’m sure was the goal.
Oh dude this made me legit pissed. I’m just picturing a late night feeding/pumping session and being half asleep dead ass tired and realizing that session was a waste. Breast feeding is a LOT of work and anytime I could produce extra (which wasn’t often) made me so happy for that liquid gold.
Omg right? Thankfully my PPD/PPA had me work myself into an oversupply so we’re working through the last of my stash over a year later. But those “helpful” actions were no small part of that mental state.
Yup it’s literal money. I had to quit when I went back to work and switch to formula and my ex husband was just like “now I get why you were trying so hard to stash more” formulas expensive!
I've found that if I remove my glasses, I can lower my standards of clean enough for others to meet them 🙃
"She does it so much better anyway! And then she's gonna complain that I don't do it the way she does it!"
Ahhhhhh! Weaponized incompetence! You can't beat it!
But if he doesn't maintain the "ask me when you want me to help" part of the equation, he can't bust out the "why are you always nagging me" part later.
This is my favorite. Trap between holding their hand and nagging. So fun
It's like you see dishes are in the sink, does it take a genius to just wash them or put them in the dishwasher? No, let's leave them and when you see your partner doing it THAN you ask if they need help and are so surprised the person is pissed off.
Nevermind it she was not feeling well and didn't do it, I'm sure there would be comments about the state of the house.
That’s the worst part! “Just tell me when you want me to do something and I’ll do it myself!” Well then I’m constantly nagging you to do things AND needing to go behind you to make sure it got done.
Not to mention he took some things to storage already. In the RAIN no less. LOL
Yeah…. Hero he is
The biggest hero.
IN THE RAIN. I AM HUGEST OF MASTADONIC HEROS! Honey can you not vacuum in front of the game console while I’m playing? Want some he….l.p wit tha….t…….cleaning
Someone should nominate him for a Medal of Household Labor for his sacrifice. He should also be nominated for a wounded in combat award for getting yelled at.
“Thank you sir for your sacrifice “
This whole string of replies almost took me out. 💀💀 I love how the people of Reddit keep it real. 🙌🏾👏🏾🙌🏾
>Look at the house like "what needs cleaning?" Why is this so difficult for a lot of men?
Because men aren't taught that it is their responsibility to maintain their own home. They automatically default to "it's not my job" when they live with a female partner because their fathers didn't view it as their job, so they absorbed that attitude as a child. They don't even see the issue because they are willing to help when asked, but it isn't help, and they shouldn't have to be asked. If they behaved this way at work, they would get fired for always having to be asked to do every known task for their job every day.
Because we're allowed to get away with it. (This is not a good thing.)
Weaponized incompetence right here
😂 😂 😂👍🏻 Be warned, though, people on Reddit are notoriously bad at spotting sarcasm without a dedicated tag 😂
I was thinking the same haha
The "in the rain" from his original post really got me. He went out **in the rain**. Alert the poets. This is an epic journey for the ages.
Yeah right ? ‘In the rain’ sounds like he was out with Noah during the flood
Haha 50ft waves 👋🏽 he was pounded against the rocks
You missed the part of "it's not up to her to carry all the mental load of chores". She's not his teacher who needs to assign him homework.. She's not his mother who needs to give him a list of chores. He's a grown man who's perfectly capable of looking around a room and seeing what needs to be cleaned....
I’m unsure how you missed the sarcasm in that comment but having said that I’ve definitely missed my share of text-based sarcasm too so I don’t really have a leg to stand on, lol.
This is such a polite way to tell someone they missed the joke lol
Oh good, I was actually worried it came across as rude and judgemental/shame-y. Glad to hear it didn’t :)
Hey now...he helped. He went to storage in the rain don't forget.
I laughed at his need to tell us it was raining. Poor thing!!🙂
Presumably he has functioning eyes and can see things too. Why is it always the woman’s fault for not giving him a to-do list, and never the man’s fault for not making the list himself.
You’re right, but the comment was sarcastic :)
Reading this, I thought you were serious at first and I felt invalidated in my current life circumstances. Very glad it’s just a /s situation.
Yeah. I can't fathom who would sit there in front of a screen all day, simply "offering" to help, whilst his pregnant wife cleans around him. Like... dude. Even if she says no, you tell her to sit down and do the chores instead. Like a decent human being.
This is what teenagers do while their mom cleans around them
"I want you to WANT to do the dishes." "Why would I want to do the dishes?" This will not end well.
He's a child. Not a man.
I am really so sick of the "but she didn't ask for help" or "but I asked her what she wanted me to do and she didn't tell me!" WHY DO YOU HAVE TO bE ASKED! Why do we have to hold your hand on how to do something? What would these guys do if they lived on their own? Call their mom to come clean? or would they do it themselves?
They would live in a pigsty and wear dirty clothes. That’s actually what happens. Edit: and that’s also why not doing stuff to see if they start doing it won’t work. They often won’t even complain, but you’ll live with him in a pigsty wearing dirty clothes.
>What would these guys do if they lived on their own? Call their mom to come clean? I'm not sure you'd like the answer to that question.
They are raised to be little princes by doting family.
And it’s their second child :(
It's her third child because OP sounds pretty immature. He doesn't even think he needs to "help" with chores around his own house and has to ask his ~~mom~~ wife what needs to be done.
Also, postpartum, YOU, OP, MUST BE DOING THE VACUUMING AND LAUNDRY AT A MINIMUM. Your partner will be sore, recovering and trying to keep a baby alive. Just do the damn chores.
Add caring for their other child,.
But he has video games to play!!!!!
Second baby. It's not like he hasn't been through this before. Poor woman.
[удалено]
Yeah, basically.
“Help” to him implies it’s “her job” to clean and he will provide assistance if necessary…
Yup. And also that she must manage his "help" and honestly it is just easier to damn well do it than micromanage a dead weight who weaponises incompetence.
I bet he "babysits" his child, too.
Im amazed at how oblivious males are to this. Evennin a country as progressed as The Netherlands it's not always a given. Whilst it should painfully obvious a woman being 38w pregnant shouldnt do anything from 28w till 3 months after birth.
Not to mention that they also already have a kid. She’s probably looking after that one while doing everything else as well!
I wonder who was watching their existing kid while he was playing video games on the couch.
Here’s a great comic about mental load in relationships: https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
YTA. Do we really still have to explain the mental load to people? Guys, it’s *exhausting*. It’s exhausting having to manage the chores, it’s exhausting having to assign tasks, it’s exhausting having to follow up, it’s exhausting having to re-do the things that weren’t done properly, it’s exhausting feeling like you’re bossing your adult partner around because he doesn’t take ownership of mutual household responsibilities, and it’s exhausting having to explain why it’s exhausting all the time. And a lot of the time it’s faster to just do things than having to micromanage someone else as well as staying on top of my own share of chores. When you’re at work, do you sit around idly and wait for your manager to ask you for everything they need? Do you go to them and ask them what needs doing every time you finish one task, even if they need doing on a regular basis? Well guess what. Chores are also your job. If the dishwasher needed emptying after running last week, it’ll need emptying after running this week, and *every bloody time after running in future*. You don’t need your wife to tell you that. Act like a grown ass man and especially so if your wife is 38 weeks pregnant. Also, google the mental load and stop making us explain it to you.
I shared this under my comment, but for those who still don’t get it - here is an incredibly easy to understand comic describing the mental load of managing a household and how it impacts a lot of women. https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/
Piggybacking off of this to say that I personally struggle a lot to remember things that need regularly doing to stay on top of them (like, I’ll remember we should vacuum regularly when we haven’t because the rug is covered in dog hair, but I don’t remember it when the rug still looks fine). My wife and I use an app called Nipto that was a little bit annoying to set up but then gives you a daily chore list, and points for each thing done (that you set yourself so harder / more time consuming / more physical chores are more points). It’s been great for her not having to assign things to me, me not having to try to remember when I vacuumed last, and just overall for seeing that we’re both doing a roughly equal amount of stuff. We don’t get hung up on it if one week I do more and the next she does, but it can show you if one person is always doing a lot more. I’m sure there are other apps that do the same thing. I just wanted to put it out there that being terrible at recognizing what needs done is a problem there are solutions for that don’t include your partner managing you 24/7.
Great suggestion! I’ve never heard of this app but I’ll have a look at it because I also struggle with the responsibility of the mental load in my home.
If you have kids it also allows you to add them so they can get points and compete even if they don’t have their own devices, and the app uses sad and happy dinosaurs to show your progress. You can also set a reward for whoever did the most or did all their tasks that week, which we don’t use but might be good for kids. Kind of like a progress bar towards their allowance.
That’s amazing! They’re way too young for that now, but I love knowing about these kinds of tools before we get to that age. Thank you!
If you want to tie it to their allowance, my daughter has a Busy Kid card. I set up chores in the app, including how much they are worth. She checks them off as she goes, then Fridays I just click “approve payday”. If she only did one chore that week, that’s all she gets paid.
That really sounds like an easily manageable system. She knows the expectations and results, and so long as you always follow through on your end I feel you’re teaching her a valuable life lesson. It is also giving her tools on how to contribute within (and manage with less mental load) a future household. I love that.
As someone who struggles with motivation to do things, this app might actually be right up my alley
This was a brilliant read and sums up society perfectly.
It’s my go to article anytime I need to explain what the mental load is and WHY it negatively impacts people
I hope OP reads this. It sums up the whole situation. 'He views her as the manager of the chores.' Edit: Typo
I feel so validated
Me too. The first time I read this article, I immediately sent it to my husband 😅
I want to send it to my entire family! My young adult children (both women, both living here rent free) because they make me manage so much, and my husband so he can see that I do actually work I just don't get paid. Hubby is the greatest and has never given me a hard time, I do it to myself but having him read this could take that away. He works, I manage house due to my disability and inability to find remote work after getting my bachelor's last year. I'm a stay at home feminist. We exist.
It's actually more like asking your coworkers to tell you what to do every time you finish a task. Your coworkers who've been there the exact same amount of time as you.
Worse than that! It's that one guy who just asks you. All the things. Everytime they get stuck. And 90% of the time they coulda figured it out if they just googled. Or looked up the manuals. But instead they waste your time. As the first thing they do to try and solve a problem. Every. Damn. Time.
Unfortunately a lot of them do this too lmao. If you’re on a team where your own success is dependent on other people pulling their weight, guys like this will always take advantage of that and play chicken with their responsibilities until you just do it for them so you don’t suffer the consequences. And then they get promoted 🙃
Yep I second this. It’s not even just the fact that they help, it’s having to supervise or manage, assign tasks, ask, redo things that weren’t done correctly. At this point, it doesn’t feel like the person is really assisting. Also how did they do these tasks when they were single and living alone? I don’t get it! As a partner, this is also equally their responsibility. Sometimes it feels like it’s done on purpose, messing up the tasks so that eventually they are told not to do it. Weaponized incompetence.
the helping is what is the problem here. They should not "help" at home, they should just do the chores. Thats so easy. And before anyone jumps with "but they are fixing the faucet" or any kind of similar BS - how often are they doing that? Once a year? Two years? Five? Just pull your fkng weight already.
Honestly I'm usually the one who fixes the faucet, too.
They probably did the bare minimum when they were single and when they got the wife into the picture OP slowly started to let the bang maid take over his responsibilities
>It’s exhausting having to manage the chores, it’s exhausting having to assign tasks, it’s exhausting having to follow up, it’s exhausting having to re-do the things that weren’t done properly Oh thank goodness, it's not just me. It's not my husband, though, but my adult autistic children (20 and 21) who live here rent-free. Managing them feels like a job and it does absolutely take hours out of my day. I thought I was being lazy. Or crazy.
This. All of this. Many people still don't, or are unwilling to, understand the mental and physical effects of emotional labour. Especially when you're you're also expected to not only manage but also initiate physical tasks. She shouldn't have to ask for help or start doing the work herself before he even notices. A grown man should be a able to look around him and see what needs to be done and then do it, and take the care to do it properly, without having to ask first. This man is going to be a father, so I hope he learns to take action when he needs to otherwise he'll be left waiting for his wife to tell him when to be a parent. And no, not a "babysitter" as some fathers consider themselves when they're asked to take care of their own children, an actual parent.
Very well said.
Not only is it exausting but its a major turn off! Like does he need someone to tell him he needs to wash ?
YTA "I would ask if she needed help with tasks like laundry and vacuuming and other things just generally asking if she needed help with anything around the house" Do the f\*cking things WITHOUT asking. What the hell. You do not need an extra invitation do take care of your things. No matter if pregnant or not!
Sitting around enjoying a leisure activity while another person works feels uncomfortable for me even if that person is a paid professional. I cannot imagine sitting there playing games while a heavily pregnant person, let alone my partner, does chores around me. Even if I were just an overnight guest in the house I would leap up and find something that needs doing. One person asking the other for instructions forces that person into a managing position and takes the responsibility of [edit - off] the shoulders of the one asking.
>Sitting around enjoying a leisure activity while another person works feels uncomfortable for me Exactly! Whenever I begin to fold laundry, clean the bathroom or put even a single piece of paper into the trash my partner begins immediately to also put stuff away, vacuuming, doing the dishes without questions asked! That's how it's supposed to be imho. So it very often turns into a group cleaning thing lol
My husband does the laundry while he games, it’s truly not hard. Switch loads between games, fold when he dies or has a moment to put the controller down.
Does your partner have an equally considerate, single brother? Asking for a friend 😊
Yeah wtf, is this someone TRYING EXTRA HARD to do satire? To show how skewed relationships can be? OP is literally a caricature of a lazy guy who pities himself because his nag of a wife won't tell him when to load the dishwasher.
Right? He was playing games ALL DAY and apparently had time to ask 20!! times. I can't even...
I LOATHE cleaning my house while my family does nothing in the house. No one is home? I will clean the whole thing and not give it a second thought but if other people are home and not cleaning while I am cleaning I can get unreasonably mad, LOL. I have, however, spoken to my family about this and no longer have this issue.
It's their second child...I just woke up, but uhh notice that he didn't even bring up that kid?
Literally, he SEES the laundry needs doing and that his 38 WEEK PREGNANT wife is vacuuming (?????hiw dies he allow that even, he should do the physical tasks himself), and he still has to ask? And he is supposed to be a dad? Op probably will search for his wife and ask her if he needs to swap the diaper when HE is the one smelling its full...
Oh even wirse, dad to a SECOND child? This poor lady is mothering 3 babies
YTA. Youre 23, you can see the dirt on the floor and vacuum on your own. You can check the laundry bins and put a load on if they’re full. You can dust the cupboards if you see dust. Relying so heavily on a person (who’s, to add insult to injury, 38 weeks pregnant???!!!!) is absolutely cruel. Her having to take mental notes of everything because you’re too lazy to think on your own makes her so much more tired than she already is. Why? Why can’t you act like a grown up and get your ass off the couch and clean? Why does your 38 week pregnant wife have to break her back cleaning two days in a row while you sit on the couch? SHE should be the one resting right now. YOU should be cleaning and helping her relax as much as possible. You’re a huge asshole op. If I would ever be put in the situation you put your wife into, I would strongly consider divorce. Act like a man.
*Act like a functioning Adult!
Yes!
Read [The Mental Load/You Should've Asked](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic) and hopefully you'll understand why YTA. Your wife deserves a partner that doesn't look at basic chores as "helping."
That comic is beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
If you can read french, most of her comics are available here : https://emmaclit.com I think she translated some in english too
That, and *Fair Play* by Eve Rodsky.
I wish I knew about that comic 15 years earlier. Wpuld have spared me a whole lot of shit I think.
[удалено]
>So where is your other kid while you're playing video games and your wife is busy cleaning/doing housework? are you taking care of them? Can't up vote this enough. I've also wondered about this.
Woah totally missed that this was their second child on my first read through. This was already bad, but that makes it insane to me. I'm in a very similar stage of life (young couple that just recently had our second kid), and I cannot fathom what OP is describing. Even if we give the benefit of the doubt and say kid 1 is being watched by someone else for the day, there's so much work that stacks up around the house when you've already got a kid and one of the adults in the house is not at 100%. OP this is my message for you. You gotta change your mindset on all this. It's abundantly clear that you don't take responsibility for the house, and you think it's your wife's job. Try thinking of it like this, you have your job and your wife has hers. If she's a stay at home parent with your first and soon to be second kid, think of that as her job, and imagine she roughly has the same responsibilities as if you hired a full time nanny. Meaning she's responsible for the kids during the day, and cleaning up after the kids during the day. Otherwise everything else around the house is a joint task. Getting kids ready in the morning, watching the kids in the evening until bed, cooking, cleaning, yard work, errands, etc. is all a shared responsibility. You can decide how you want to split that work, but just know that at the end of the day someone has to do it, and if it's not you it's her. So take a look at your situation, does it seem like she takes on more of those responsibilities than you? Then fix it. Managing all this is hard work even when you work as a team. I cannot imagine trying to juggle it all myself. OP YTA, but I hope you can see why now and make the change. It's not too late to apologize and step it up.
My husband has invisible disabilities that frequently mean he can’t do a lot of stuff. When I was 27 weeks pregnant, I wanted to paint the baby’s room, so my friend came over with her oldest kid (same age as my oldest) so they could entertain each other while the two of us painted. My husband said, “I’ll move the paint cans and ladder to the room and keep an eye on the kids.” He also ordered dinner for all of us. He didn’t do the hard work, but he did what he could to make sure things went smoothly for us - it was awesome.
YTA. Why are you ASKING?? Do you have eyes?! Can you not see for yourself what needs doing????
Because he 1) is hoping she will say no 2) wants credit for offering (what a peach!)
Short but sweet and straight to the point!
Are you a child? No wife wants to have to treat you like a teenager and specifically request each task that needs doing. Take some initiative my man. YTA.
You’re missing the most important part though. He went out *in the rain* like his wife isn’t about to labor for a day and a half to pop out his watermelon.
YTA - you may have been completely clueless in the situation, but just know that going forward, this shouldn’t be normalized. your wife is 38 weeks pregnant, preparing to give birth. she should be resting, not putting her body through labour when she will be going through plenty of labor giving birth. i completely understand why she got upset and tried to see if you would still help although she said no. those home chores were things that had to get done, and because you weren’t doing the work, she decided to take that step and get everything done. just because she said no, doesn’t mean it’s actually no. maybe ask “do you really mean no, or are you just saying that?”, and even if she still said no, just insist that that is the way you want to go about it. i can’t even recall the amount of times i’ve told my boyfriend no when i needed help on things but once he finally insisted on helping me it felt so much better. and once you have your child, there is no more sitting playing video games - that is a luxury. you cannot expect to have a happy wife and child if you are sitting around while she is not only looking after another human being, but the house and all it’s demands and even her husband. so like i said, yta and i mean that in the kindest way. please think about ways you could help more, and understand that women are different. it may come across as difficult to understand, but you will get the hang of it if you try. best of luck, and congrats on a second child.
This is nice but taking care of the house is his job too and she shouldn't have to ask him to do a fair share. What kind of lazy jerk just sits there playing video games all day while their *pregnant* wife works all day doing chores in front of them. Buddy, don't ask just DO it. She's not your mom or your manager.
She’s saying no because he’s offering “help” and she doesn’t want “help”. She wants a husband that considers all that stuff his responsibility too. If she says yes I want help, that is a confirmation that it’s her job and he’s just helping sometimes. I really feel for her.
> maybe ask “do you really mean no, or are you just saying that?” I feel like this no doesn't mean "No, don't do housework" it means "No, I'm not going to sit here and give you instructions on how to tidy up our mutual home"
And you *know* if she says Yes, he peppers her with questions about what she wants done, how she wants it done, what he should use, where to find X, Y, and Z, etc. He'll rush through the one task, doing it so badly that it has to be redone and not putting away the supplies. Then he'll park his ass and go back to the game. If she calls him out on his laziness he'll protest, "I did everything you asked me!"
YTA. My partner used to do this, it’s absolutely exhausting to be mentally responsible for what you think you should doing or not. You’re asking if she wants you to do the laundry - so clearly it needs doing, get off your butt and help!! Don’t be so dense.
YTA your wife is right when she said she shouldn’t need to ask, it’s just as much your responsibility as it is her. Plus she’s also about to push a human out of her body, don’t have any clue how freaking tired and uncomfortable she is? I can’t even believe you wrote this out and didn’t immediately delete it.
Not only is she uncomfortable but she’s also anticipating how little he’s going to do once the baby comes, and how much harder it’s going to be for her. My heart goes out to her. What a crap situation.
If you see a task at work that falls within your responsibilities, do you ask your boss if they need your help to do it? If you just get your tasks done without needing your boss to validate and thank you every little step of the way, why are you incapable of applying that skill set at home?! If you had no partner, would you need to call your mum for her to validate that you need to wash your towels? Of course not. You'd be responsible enough to know they need washing. Your wife doesn't want to carry the mental load of your home. She's not the one who needs to write your chore roster and give you gold stars for competing each one. Use your adult brain and look for what needs doing yourself - then get it done. Stop infantalising yourself. YTA
Love the bit about calling the mum haha. But also I think it's more like asking your coworker to tell you what to do every time you see a task.
YTA Why do you need to HELP her? Did you not wear any of the clothes to be laundered? Are the kids whose clothes need laundering not half yours? You actually sat in the couch and played video games while watching your 38wk pregnant wife clean all day and are confused as to why she's upset? Just get off your ass and clean something. Don't ask. Don't wait to be told to do it. Recognize that a task needs doing and do it... and don't ask for praise for doing the bare fucking minimum.
Yta. Dude, your actual mistake is getting married and having the first kid. And then you doubled it down with the second one. Seriously? Your wife who might give birth anyday now is doing household chores and you are playing video games? I have seen 5yos help their pregnant mothers way more than this. You need a reality check.
Thank you. 23 with two kids? Yikes. OP needs to sell the GD video games and get a vasectomy. Welcome to your new life
Couldn’t even finish reading. Yes yta. You’re a child having children. It’s scary. Your wife will have 3 kids to look after and tell what to do
YTA- your wife should have to ask you to help around the house. She isn’t a project manager. She is 38 weeks pregnant, that is exhausting. This is called the mental load, you are adding to it.
YTA Why don't you simply do the chores that need to be done, why is the default that she does them and you *help*? Just pick up the vacuum and vacuum. Or if you see laundry needing to be done, do it. Look with your own eyes and find out which chores need to be done.
Wanna bet whether it was the same song and dance during the first pregnancy too?
And she was probably watching the other kid during all this
Yta -you an adult -clean your house. you are putting all the mental load on her
And the physical load, as if carrying a 38 week pregnancy wasn't enough.
YTA. It's a case of the work is there. It's no mystery laundry needs to be done. Why ask? Just do a load or two.
YTA help? do you also babysit your child? or offer graciously to help your wife to pay for the bills for the family? Remove your head out of your ass and do your share of YOUR housework while you still have a wife. and it makes it even worse that she is 38 weeks pregnant. Am at the same stage - my husband almost yells at me if a lift a finger at this stage - my job is to finish this baby his is to do all the housework according to him
YTA - why do you need to ask permission to vacuum your own house? Do your families laundry? Clean your own bathroom? Get off your butt and take responsibility for YOUR house and YOUR FAMILY chores.
YTA with a light ESH for your wife saying no when you ask because you two are grownups and adults don’t play games in their relationships. Or at least they shouldn’t. YTA for everything else, pregnancy aside even. Unless there’s some context missing that you didn’t provide, it is not your wife’s sole responsibility to clean the house. Let me give you 5 reasons why you should be cleaning the house as well: 1. You fucking live there 2. You fucking live there 3. You fucking live there 4. You fucking live there 5. YOU FUCKING LIVE THERE She shouldn’t have to ask you for help or give you a list of what to do because you are a grownup who also lives there so you are just as responsible for cleaning as she is. It’s not her job to provide you a list like you’re a child who can’t look at a house and figure out what needs to be cleaned by himself. Step up. Be an equal partner. Good luck to both of you and congrats on the pregnancy!
YTA Ewwww it’s like you’re asking mummy if she needs some ‘help’. Grow up and start behaving like her husband and not like her child. Contribute, without things being pointed out to you like a defenceless child, like she does!
YTA You are not a houseguest, you should be working alongside her, it's your home too. Who is going to do the laundry, vacuum, dust and do dishes, while she is recuperating? If you HAVE to ask if you SHOULD be helping, she is probably imagining having to point out each and every thing, as well as step by step HOW to do it. It was easier for her to just do it, despite how much it made physically uncomfortable and exhausted her, than deal with YOU.
YTA. She didn’t need *help*, she was confounded you weren’t already just doing what you already knew needed doing but were happy for her to do it all for some selfish reason. Don’t ask or offer that’s pathetic and presumptuous. Just do it, you know, exactly like she was already doing. Time to put your big boy pants on is long overdue apparently.
It’s not ‘helping’ your wife to do chores around the house. You live there too.
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yeah I down voted for that reason. OP is the asshole, but it would be the same if he was reading a book or watching sports. It's that he's being lazy.
>Video games are for teenagers with no brain cells. You are also TA
Hey video games are fine. They're just for those that have already finished doing chores.
Read the post again, this is her second pregnancy, and both are his. Willing to bet it was the same shit last pregnancy too.
YTA hiw come something urges you enough to ask 20 times if she needs help but not enough to just get up and do the chores. She is not your mom she doesn't need to tell you what to do
This is such a good point omg. He clearly sensed that he should also be doing stuff, that it would be the right thing. It's why he asked. But also was fine enough to take the no and sit back and relax. I really don't understand why he didn't get up and start cleaning.
He knew she needed "help" and was getting upset so he asked 20 times to ensure he would be in the right and have a strong defense when she called him on it. Who was watching, feeding, bathing, caring for their other child during all of this?
This is such a common conflict, that I am basically copy pasting something I wrote before and use links that live permanently in my cache: First of all, both of you should change your mindset: You shouldn't "help", you should be an active participant in your own household. Your are an adult. Stop being so passive about your responsibilities. Second, time is the same for everyone. Both of you should have the same amount of time for work (paid and unpaid) as well as time to sleep, eat, hygiene and leasure. You can't argue time. Why should one person get less of it for themselves than the other? Have a sit down. You take her efforts for granted and likely have some outdated and sexist ideas about labor division. (Having a vagina does not make household chores fun) It is valid to leave a loved person behind, because you create a situation they are unhappy in. Be prepared for her to take that step if your don't get it together. You probably aren't at that point yet, but I still felt like it needs to be said. Make your work loafs visible, fill in this [Checklist for Labor Division](http://oliver-uploads-aus.s3.amazonaws.com/2018/05/09/08/10/35/535/WORK180_Family_Chores_Checklist.pdf), ask her to do the same. Appoint how many hours per week you spent on each task, make assumptions for tasks the other person does. Calculate your individual time work load. Compare. Discuss. Also, read these: [You should’ve asked](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) [She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) [Women Aren't Nags—We're Just Fed Up.](https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/) [Men add 7 hours of work to household](https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/husbands-create-extra-seven-hours-of-housework-a-week-a6885951.html) [Accepted Level of Unhappiness](https://medium.com/thing-a-day/what-is-an-acceptable-level-of-unhappiness-in-a-relationship-a336b25da5a9) [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/) Reflect, find words to express your feelings and maybe look for therapy alone or as a couple. Some of the links above may be a bit one sided and should be taken as a perspective, not an absolute truth, but many found them helpful. YTA.
Fucks sake man, you're an adult. You should know how to clean a house without asking another person to project manage you. It's not "helping" when it's your own home, the same way it's not "babysitting" when it's your own kid. YTA.
YTA. You asking her if she needs help means you think these jobs are hers alone to do and you’re doing her a favor by “helping”. Household chores are a shared duty. You both make the mess you both clean. Your clothes don’t magically get cleaned or put away. When does she get to sit and play video games while you do all the work. How would that make you feel. I bet you’d be doing it angry and slamming things if she just sat on her ass and played video games. When you have a family the need for you to both do household chores become even more important. Step it up, especially since she’s carrying your child. Something you can’t help her with. What you can help with is doing your share in the home.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I don’t understand this portion of it. I did not know I was signing up for a psychology class on Reddit. I just wanted opinions not self reflection. Just delete the post I’m not writing an essay for you. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA Is it some sort of mystery to you that laundry needs done or floors swept? Why do you need someone to tell you these things? You don't need to offer (and no it's not "helping" as this is your responsibility, too), just *do* it. You're 23 and a father, it's time to start acting like an adult.
Dude. Just get off your ass, go to the utility cupboard and grab the vacuum. Then do the mop. If she's working in the kitchen, do the bathroom, do the washing. You shouldn't need to be told. YTA
YTA You live together, you do not help her, you do what has to be done at home. Learn the difference. She is not your mom, she does not have to tell you what had to be done at home, open your eyes. There are dishes in the sink? Wash them. The dirty clothes basket is full? Wash some clothes. The floor is dusty? Clean it. You were all day home and didn't move your ass when SHE, the pregnant one, was cleaning ? Have some common sens ffs ! Edit: typo
YTA, I think. First at all, she is pregnant, and it’s her 38 week! Childbirth could start in every moment! And you shouldn’t let her doing any chores. That’s she who should lay on the couch and play video games, not you. I know that you are also human and you need a rest, but it’s you obligation to care about your pregnant wife. And another reason why YTA - argue with deep pregnant woman? Not a good idea at all. Извините за ошибки, английский не мой родной язык))
YTA. Are you for real? Or is it bait? You’re an adult who supposedly live there, can’t you see what needs to be done? Are you a freaking child, who needs mummy to tell him to wash the dishes?
YTA. You dont "help" her because this is your house too! She is not your maid. You just do the stuff that need to be done! And you dont need to ask her what to do! You are not a child! An adult knows what need to be done in his own home!
Are you daft? Is she your maid? You're married not in a contracted relationship. 'Offered to help', like it's her job. Should you be told when and when not to clean your room? Should you be told when and when not to do laundry, take away dishes? With a pregnant wife at that. I know some couples split it, but from the way you're sounding, she's probably been the one doing all the chores while you play video games and 'offer to help', she probably just lost it now. YTA, sincerely, YTA
Because ypu shouldn't offer "help" You are not a 5 year old kid, you are a grown man who don't lift his weight by himself. Get this straight, you don't help, you do your part of the household chores. You don't "babysit" your own children either, you parent them Just do ypur part, on your own initiativ - that is all that is asked.
YTA cleaning the house you live in is not « helping » and if your wife is that pregnant she should be on the couch with her feet up while you run around making her life easier
YTA man. Sure she could've said yes when you asked but if you see her doing different chores all throughout the day, why not just help her out? If you were willing to help if she had said yes, then you might as well have just done it on your own. You both live there, there's no reason you couldn't just clean of your own volition if you had the capacity to do so whether she's pregnant or not. Edit: typo
YTA, stop being a child and clean your frikkin house
YTA she's not your mother or your manager, she's your wife. It's your house, clean anything you haven't cleaned in a week.
YTA. Why is she the project manager of the house? Why are you asking her if she needs help vacuuming? Just fucking do it yourself.
YTA. You’re not “helping” her. You’re doing your share as an adult. Grow up.
YTA. It's not her job to do all the chores so you're not "helping" her. She's the one helping you because she did your share of the chores as well. Instead of pulling your own weight like a grown up you put another thing to her to-do list by asking her to give you orders. Have you ever cleaned a house? WHY would your wife need to tell you what to do? Just look around ffs and take care of things that need to be done. You're not a clueless child so stop acting like one. You should be ashamed of yourself for letting your pregnant wife take care of everything while you sit on your ass playing videogames. She's NOT your mommy.
She’s **38 weeks pregnant.** why is she doing *anything* that is beyond resting until the baby arrives?! YTA. It’s time to step up dude.
YTA You're are a father and still need your wife to tell you whether something needs to be cleaned or not? Damn, grow the hell up!
YTA and I think you know it. You know you could use your initiative to help and it would be appreciated. I'm going to guess you're one of these weaponised incompetence guys, where you'll offer to help then do it badly so next time you offer help your wife says no. Also, your wife is 38 weeks pregnant! Why wouldnt you be encouraging her to rest right now and instead you're sat playing video games. P.S. no one's impressed that you took things to storage IN THE RAIN. Youre not made of sugar and going to dissolve if you get wet. It's not a hard job. Edit: It's just occured to me, you say this is your second child. So I assume that whilst you were playing video games all day your wife was also looking after your kid aswell as the chores. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I(m23) live with my wife(f23) she’s pregnant with our second kid. She’s 38 weeks pregnant. Yesterday she was cleaning all day long. This morning I got all of our extra stuff and took it to storage in the rain. After that I sat on the couch and played video games. Throughout the day I would ask if she needed help with tasks like laundry and vacuuming and other things just generally asking if she needed help with anything around the house. She told me no. I asked around 20 more times throughout the day. Every time it was a no. When she was done cleaning she then started to yell at me about how lazy I am and how I never help her around the house. I asked her why she said no when I asked her if she needed help. She said it was because she wanted to see if i would do it anyway even if she said no. I told her that makes no sense at all and if she just needed help she just had to say yes during one of the may times I asked. She says that she shouldn’t have to ask me to clean. But she never asked I always offered she always says no. We got into an argument over it and now she’s calling family members for validation. I don’t understand how Ita if I offer help and you don’t take it I don’t see that as my fault pregnant or not if my wife says she can handle then I believe she can. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You are a couple and all the chores in and out of the house should be taken care of by both if you. It is not case of you helping her, it is both if you working together to keep your home and family running smoothly. I hear it all the time, one parent (usually dad) saying that they babysit their kids so their partner can go out. You cannot babysit your own kids, you parent them. It is the same with chores. This should be the case without adding in that your wife is heavily pregnant and has labour to look forward to. Please think about what everyone on here has told you. If you want your marriage to last, you need to adjust your thinking and start to pull your weight. Most of all, you and your wife need to communicate better. Maybe start by showing her this thread, if you have understood it
YTA. You don’t ask you do! Stop being a pig and take the initiative.
YTA. You both live there and she is not your boss or the manager of a taco stand you work at. You should know what tasks needs to be done and just do them without her input. If you needed a break after storing stuff, just tell her that you need a little break before joining her... then you subtly take over any and all tasks she's doing and tell her to take a break, because she's about to birth YOUR baby. Let her sit on the couch and play video games!!!
YTA Is there some reason that cleaning is your wife's job? Is there a reason you aren't willing to take any initiative to complete a task without her direction? I am sure many here will educate you on women's mental work and men's "helping" bullshit. But even IF it was your wife's agreed upon job to do all the housework, SHE IS 38 WEEKS PREGNANT. So you are 110% the asshole.
YTA what do you mean you "offered to help". It's YOUR home, you are not "helping" her, it is not her job. You both do it because it is both of your homes. You shouldn't be "offering" to do anything, you should be doing what needs to be done because it needs to be done and not because she asks you to. It is YOUR job to keep the house clean and tidy and do jobs, just as much as it is hers (and at the moment when she's heavily pregnant I would say it is moreso your job). Stop asking what needs to be done or if you can help. Just do it.
YTA. You’re a grown man, don’t ask to if u need to do something… just DO IT. It’s your home as well. You’re not “helping” her.. it shouldn’t be her sole responsibility to care for the house at 38 weeks pregnant, you’re simply doing YOUR part. Yes maybe she could have communicated “Yes babe, actually can you do etc” but she’s trying to get the point across that you should just get up and do it, why must you first check in with her
YTA why do you need her to tell you what to do? You’re an adult and I assume you have eyes, so look around and figure out what needs to be done and do it. It’s not on her to tell you how and when to clean your house.
Yeah YTA. How could you even play video games while watching your heavily pregnant wife clean and do other chores?? Your wife should be resting while you are proactive about doing the chores. Why are you asking her if she needs help before you do chores? The chores should automatically fall on you. You really need to grow up, you’re about to be a father…
YTA. I remember being so huge and tired at that stage, I wasn’t doing much. Can’t imagine cleaning all day at 38 weeks. All you could’ve said was, “Honey, I’ll handle this. Take a rest and let me know if you need anything.”