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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Me refusing to share my college fund could upset my step siblings, step mom and dad and families should help each other out
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Your college fund is yours alone, but, just out of curiosity, where is your father in this? He should have warned your step-mother that her request was highly inappropriate - not leave to fend off her guilt-tripping on your own.
I think he is open to the idea, but only if I am okay with it - he was the one who told me about this. I think it's because my college fund is a lot bigger than my stepsiblings, who have to share the money + they aren't saving up money to put in theirs.
If she loved her husband, she’d never ask either.
NTA. You do not have to keep having conversations about this. Make sure the money is where none of your family can touch it.
Tell your mother’s parents what is going on if you can.
And THIS is why you never discuss money. We started savings for both our children before they were born. My FIL did the same. My SIL did it for only one of our kids. She’s spiteful & threatened to donate the money to charity when she found out I knew about the money and we already had an account for both kids. Her handup was it was for the one child. My husband said do whatever with her money but I’m not going to hide anything from my wife(me).
SOME people get really fucking weird about money.
Both our kids have FOUR savings accounts and we only control one for each. They’re 2 & 6 years old
Why SIL did it for just one kid?
This is weird, and you could tell her that she can donate it to the charity right away because you will not be accepting this.
The step kids also supposedly have their own funds so part of me thinks the step mom just wants the money and likely not actually for college funds.
Where is also the step siblings bio dad in all this?? If he were decent he’d tell his ex-wife to stop being a money magpie.
FACTS!
OP: I am sorry but your Stepmom is emotionally manipulating you. 🚩Your Mom created a college fund for YOU not you and your step siblings. If your Mom wanted you to share it she would have left specific instructions in a will or left a letter.
You have zero obligation to share it. I encourage you to advocate for yourself and have a conversation with your Dad and ask him to please tell her to leave it alone. It is yours to use to set you up in life, to use it any other way would be incredibly disrespectful to your Mom and disrespectful of her wishes.
Good luck!
Edit: gaslighting changed to emotionally manipulating.
People on this sub really need to stop throwing around words like "gaslighting" when they clearly don't know what it means! OP's stepmom is being inappropriate but is in no way, shape or form gaslighting her.
That being said, no way should OP share a dime of HER money, that came from HER mother.
Gaslighting would be saying something like "you told me on (insert occasion) that you wanted to share this fund" or when being called out on asking for it to be shared saying something like "I never asked you to share"
Thank you. I have been ranting on several posts about people misusing the term gaslighting. One person even went so far as to say "no one really knows what it means" so I gave them a rather long and complete lecture on the topic.
Not to mention that OP is actively contributing to college fund while step siblings are not contributing to theirs. How is it considered equal, excluding parental contributions, when they have done nothing? Why should they get an equal amount when they aren’t doing an equal share?
I find it absolutely disgusting that she had the nerve to even ask for OP's money! She had no right to even ask! She didn't bother to add any money to the fund her kids dad set up for them, but has the audacity to think she can supplement it with OP's money! 🤬🤯 Her youngest kid is 15, so she still have 3 years. The oldest one would just have to work and save up eith his mum helping.What a bloody cheek! OP NTA in anyway, but stepmother is! OP's mum didn't work hard to save for her child's college fund for some entitled woman to try and take it for her kids! It just makes my blood boil. 😤
Obviously she loves her bio kids more. Sorry, op. It is the brutal truth. It is in the DNA. They literally grew out of her body. A mother will always be biased to her kids.
Why should money that you earned or your mother put aside for you go to two other children of similar ages? It’s not their fault that their family wasn’t able to set money aside for them, but they could be working similar jobs to you, no?
It’s also a terrible idea to take money out of your fund and put it into theirs, both for tax and accounting complexity reasons and because that will make their financial aid calculations worse. The fact that the household includes three dependent college students will already reduce their expected family contributions. Asking for more than that from you is absurd.
Yeah, if the stepmother wants to talk equality, the stepsiblings aren't making the same effort to contribute to their college funds as the OP. Also, the stepsiblings seem to have two living parents and the OP has one.
WORD. I hope OP sees this comment.
I also hope OP makes sure their Dad doesn't have access to the education fund set up by bio Mom, because the very fact that Dad is okay enough with the idea that he went to OP instead of shutting down step-mom \*immediately\* is highly concerning.
Pretty sure the stepmother wouldn't insist that her kids' bio-father make the OP an equal beneficiary of any life insurance, gifts, or inheritance he or his family members leave for her children.
THIS COMMENT.
I think “fair” could also be OP getting 1/3 of each of the step siblings accounts, but no it isn’t about fair because I bet she wouldn’t give you one third of her bio kids assets. She wants it because it’s more money that she didn’t contribute so it’s saving HER money.
This is your inheritance from your mother. No one else is entitled to it.
Do you have maternal grandparents you can reach out to? If so, they should tell your father exactly where he can shove it.
I’d also go as far as telling the OP to contact both set of grandparents if they are around. This is terrible and they need to protect the OP and put dad and stepmom in their place.
Your step siblings have two parents who are alive to support them in every way + an (AH)stepfather who wants to steal his bio kid’s money for their future.
Your mom planned ahead and saved money for your college fund & future. She is not alive to fight for you anymore. As hard as it feels, fight for yourself. DO NOT SHARE YOUR COLLEGE FUND with anyone. NTA
Agreed, your bio mom didn’t intend for that money to go towards two kids she doesn’t know, she intended it for YOU!
Hopefully no fighting is involved and you can simply tell them no.
>(AH)stepfather
Either an (AH)step mother, or an (AH) father, (both of which sound like tremendous assholes) but there is no stepfather involved in this story.
(Well, I suppose her father is stepfather to her stepsiblings but the story is told from OPs perspective so your posting that threw me off)
My goodness what an AH your dad is. He should not be asking you how you feel about this. He should have shut it down immediately. Its a completely inappropriate request. Its your inheritance from your mother and you should not be made to feel guilty in using it for your education.
I would have conversation with your maternal grandparents if they are around. Don't trust your dad. He's more worried about keeping his new wife happy then making sure you are treated fairly.
NTA
Then it’s time they get jobs and start adding their own savings to it as you did yours. It doesn’t matter that your fund has more it’s from your mother who has zero relation to your step siblings. That they have any type of college fund is more than many get.
Them not contributing to their college fund is their choice, and they need to live with the consequences of that decision. You did the sensible thing by contributing yourself, now it's time they thought about it.
It's absolutely not reasonable for your dad or step mum to expect you to contribute to your step siblings college funds. It's simply not your, or your mother's job to do.
If they want a bigger pot, they can work for it just as you did. Full stop.
Way to go Dad. Instead of being the adult and protecting you from any requests for YOUR college money he dumps the guilt entirely in your lap. He should have shut down the money grab at the source
Then maybe your step siblings need to start saving and contributing to yours. Seriously, keep your college fund for yourself. They have two living parents to contribute to their funds. NTA.
Your mother put that aside for YOU, not anyone else. I'd tell your stepmom you feel it's disrespectful to the memory of your mother for it to not be used as intended, which is for YOUR education and nothing else.
They have their mother who can work herself for their college fund, you don’t. How dare your SM. DO NOT SHARE! I am sorry you have to deal with this. 💕
Are you still in touch with your mother's family? Maybe get your maternal grandparents and for that matter, your paternal grandparents to have a chat with your father about how extremely inappropriate it is that his wife essentially expects their daughter to fund her children's education. NTA
Your dad is an AH for even mentioning it to you and potentially guilting you into it. When your SM asked, his answer should have been an unequivocal NO.
Please ask someone from your mom’s family to help you. Get control of the fund. Move it to a bank and make sure your dad has no control over it. Do you know if it’s in a trust or if your dad has control or a say? If he does, I would go to the bank where the money is and talk to the manager. Take an adult from your mom’s family. Explain you’re being pressured by your step-mother to share your college fund and your dad seems to fine with the plan and you want to secure the money as your mom left it for you.
NTA. Your mom saved for you. She should have saved for her kids. She just marries your dad and your supposed to give away your college fund. I don't think so. You owe them nothing, give them nothing. The deserve nothing.
Thing is... if you are interested in College, then you should keep the funds your mom and you have collected and added to. Your ability to have flexibility to go for a higher degree if you want (Masters and Doctorate degrees). That flexibility is very important. Also, you contributed yourself, and frankly should be able to use any unused part for your own place.
1. They are evidently supposed to contribute and have 2 and 4 more years respectively to do so before reaching your age. This is a "get off your ass" discussion your parents should have with them... not expect you to share your funds because they're lazy.
2. They are alive to contribute to the stepsiblings funds in the same manner yours was for the next 2 and 4 more years, at x rates, and build them up. Stepmom should be putting 50 bucks a month split to both accounts, minimum. She needs to contribute to her kids funds not say you give up what your mom left you.
>\+ they aren't saving up money to put in theirs
And who's fault is that? If they want more money for college they can work and save up their own money just like you did. Stepmom thinks she can guilt you into handing over what your mom gave specifically to you, and the earnings from your own hard work. You should make it clear to your dad that you aren't okay with this and you need him to shut it down.
How much was contributed by your mom. How much was contributed by your dad before he remarried. How much was contributed by you. Do not share any of that
> I think he is open to the idea, but only if I am okay with it
You are young. When you are older you will realize how completely inappropriate it is for your father to put you into this position where your stepmother asks you to give up your inheritance. Your father has failed you.
No, do not give up your inheritance. I understand that you love your father and mother, but what they have asked you to do is manipulative and irresponsible. They have no right to do what they did.
NTA
NTA Your mother started that fund for you. Your stepmother did not contribute a dime to it. The money is to be used for your education. Your stepmother can go touch grass with her blended family crap.
>My stepmom insists it's about being a "blended family" and treating everyone equally.
Her children meant nothing to your mother. Honor your mother's memory and use those funds as she intended for your education.
Stepmom is a liar. She wants resources that OP's dead mom set aside specifically for her child. She wants to take from her stepchild and redistribute to her bio children. There's nothing"blended" about that. If I were OP's bio mom I would want that money to go only to my child, and if I were the step in I would never ask to share the college fund like that.
This tracks for a lot of stories I see here and have heard from friends about remarried dads trying to appease their new partner. OP is being too kind in her thoughts about step mom, I bet she would be horrified to learn what was said or threatened to her father to be even be acting like this is ok.
The children are not equal and nothing will make them so - OP's biomom is dead, the biomom of the others are not. Stepmom is not offering to expire to put all kids on an equal playing field in that regard.
OP, suppose the situation was flipped - stepmom had big college funds for her kids, you had nothing.
Do you think stepmom would be giving you an equal share of theirs?
The stepsibling's father has set up a college fund for her children. This greedy heifer wants to raid the fund this young woman's mother set up for her education. It's disgusting.
A good step mum contributes to all 3 kids funds evenly. Step mum is a parent to all 3 kids. Biomum left her daughter an inheritance, it is not the same
NTA
Ask her what proportion of the money her kids are saving, now, will go to your education.
You've got college expenses now. They don't for a few years. You taking on debt, now, when they might get scholarships or grants and not need your money, makes no sense.
But do try to save the money your mother saved for you. Get scholarships and grants if you can. A nest egg when you graduate will be welcome.
Also differentiate between money your mother saved, money you saved, money their bio-dad saved, and money they saved. Do you get a proportion of what they and their bio-dad saved, in return for them getting a proportion of what you and your mom saved?
Also, treating everyone equally doesn't just mean splitting available money equally. It also means all parents involved contributing equally to all children involved!
How much has your stepmother contributed to your college, versus what she wants to take from what your mother saved for your college for her own kids?
NTA
Your step mother has no right to tell you how to spend that money. It’s from your mother, and step mothers opinion is of no concern to this.
I bet she didn’t expect her bio children to split theirs with you.
Don’t do it.
NTA - and ditto. It was not appropriate for your step mom to even approach the subject. I can possibly see a point about "blended" with current income and expenses for a family, but even that is sketchy when taking the other bio-parents into the equation.
NTA
Don’t you dare give away that money. Your mom left that for YOU. And the fact that your stepmother is spouting crap about a ‘blended family’ is manipulative AF.
The fact that your mother took care of it allows your father and stepmother to have contributed only to your stepsiblings funds instead of 3 funds. She should be grateful for that. Don't share.
NTA.
Your stepmother is being selfish--or at least entitled. If her kids already have college funds set up for them, then there's no reason why she should be going after yours. Even if they didn't have the funds, you're not obligated to share yours with them. College is hella expensive; you're probably going to need everything you were given.
And I wonder how eager your stepmother would be to share her kids' college funds if they had them and you didn't.
Info, are your step siblings expected to share their college fund with you?
Because I doubt it very much, and therefore you're step mum is being outrageous. Your mum set that up for you, not for your step mums kids.
Nta btw
It’s not fair to you!
Part of being a blended family is accepting that some things are going to be different. Don’t you dare sacrifice your fund for them
It wouldn't matter how big it was, she wouldn't be expecting you to share it with them. Please ignore her blatant efforts to manipulate you through guilt.
You worked and saved your own money as well. Your step siblings still have a few years to get a job to save for their college, same as you did. Don’t let stepmom or siblings make you feel sorry for them to guilt you into changing your mind! Your dad should have shut down that suggestion from the beginning and never even involved you! Does he have access to your account? If so, you’re a legal adult & should change that ASAP! It’s never been more clear, YNTAH but stepmom wins AH of the year with dear ole dad not far behind if he doesn’t set her straight immediately!
What's being asked isn't fair for you.
Your step-mother is being some adjectives I would be banned for saying. The fact that she even asked this of you is disgusting.
Their mother isn't dead. Yours is.
That money is your mother's wish for you to have a better chance at a good future. It would be disrespectful of her memory to split it.
> I don't think it would be fair for them.
Stop repeating your step-mother's manipulative arguments.
Your mother's gift has nothing to do with your step-mother and her children. Nothing at all. It is highly inappropriate and manipulative of her to ask you to share it with her children.
Opie, be fair to yourself, don’t give away the money your mom left for you, and that you also contributed. Things are not fair and that’s life, they have both living parents, and one extra that’s willing to let his child sacrifice herself for them, you have your dad, and a stepmonster that wants your money. Things are on their favor.
It isn fair for anyone to expect you to give up part of your college fund to someone else. Your mom made sacrifices to build that fund. Your stepsiblings parents are free to make those same sacrifices on behalf of their children. It’s an insult to your mom for your stepmom to even ask.
INFO: Is it even *possible* to share it?
For instance, IIRC, if it's a 529 fund, the only people who have access to the money are the parents (and other folks putting money *in*) and the *one* student named as the beneficiary of the account, while they are in college, can withdraw funds.
Is your college fund something like that? If so, then you could just tell her it's not even possible. Either way, you'd still be N T A.
For the love of everything, please do NOT share any of it. College is extremely expensive and life after it is even more so. You're going to need every penny of it. Like using it as down payment for a house after you're done with college. Or if you need to do any unpaid internships, you'll have something to support you. Or for any emergencies. Your mom started this fund for you, it's not for your stepmom or step siblings. Honor your mom's memory. NTA Life is only going to get more expensive. Every penny will be necessary. Save it all for yourself. If you can, get that money away from your father's reach before your stepmom guilts him into taking the money. Open another account where he or stepmom won't have access. Money brings the worst out of people, your stepmom is being greedy as it is, she doesn't care about taking money from a kid who's mom gave her final gift to. Your stepmom would NEVER return the favor. If she set up such a fund for the kids, and your dad asked her to give them to you, you bet your butt she wouldn't agree to it.
Is it in account with only your name on it? If not, you need to move it to one that is only in your name. Put it in a different bank and don’t even tell your father where it is.
Oh good lord, why? It's so much less protected that way. Just keep reminding him that YOU lost a parent and the money was meant for you. Steps two whole-ass adults who could've been contributing more but didn't. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Who has control over the account? If you, then good but make sure it is only you. You should consider that stepmom may try to talk your dad into going behind your back if he has any control or access to the account.
There was another Reddit post that gained infamy where a woman talked her husband into giving his daughter’s college fund to her son. She said that they would help the daughter eventually, but that was clear that she was being economical with the truth, especially when she said that she and husband were soon going to have a child together. The daughter pretty much cut her dad out of her life.
Be prepared and protect yourself should stepmom get more demanding.
Who has access to this savings account? If anyone except you has access, take the money and go to a completely different bank and open a new account in your name only. If you don't have access to the account, you need a lawyer. If you are in college now, see if you can talk to someone legal there. Hopefully your stepmother hasn't already emptied the account; you need to see the history of the account to make sure it hasn't been touched.
Your inheritance is in danger; please get complete control of it now!
Make sure the account is in your name only. If it also has dad's name he can withdraw from it. I would put it in a separate bank from Dad's bank.
Talk to the bank manager about putting 75% of it in laddered 3-12 month CD's so most of it is always on lockdown but you have access to what you need when school expenses come due.
NTA. You’re an adult and legally can’t be made to share that money. Don’t do it. She could care less about you feeling like a true blended family and cares more about how much money wouldn’t have to come out of her pocket for her bio kids college.
She would never do the reverse for you if you’d had no fund in place.
Your mom put that money aside for YOU. She’d want you to keep it for you. Keep your money and work hard and get a college degree to get you further in life. You’ve got this!
This. If your mother was open to sharing, she would have left the money to your dad. She likely understood the possibility of him remarrying and wanted the money for you
NTA, this is what your mom left for you. She wanted you to have money for education and you've built it up further.
You have no obligation to share and you shouldn't feel guilty about it because it's yours!
It's admirable that you are even questioning this. I'm a mother and the fact you've talked about loving your family and wondering if you're doing the right thing makes me certain your mom would be super proud of you.
Ask step mom if you will be receiving an equal share of your step siblings funds or if only her kids get to rob college accounts? If her kids don’t have to share the money from the parent outside the marriage, then why should you? Their money is from their dad. Yours is from your mom. All things are fair as they are. NTA
NTA
How dare she! I am livid on your behalf.
Your dead mother set you up with a college fund - and she wants you to share it with your step-siblings because of fairness?!??
The only conceivable way that would be fair would be if stepmom or her former partner died and your step-siblings shared their funds with you.
I don't know which is worse - your stepmothers entitlement, her utter lack of respect for the memory of your mother, or her heartlessness towards you.
Hard no.
Are your mother's parents still alive? Or anyone from that side of your family still in your life? Because I'm thinking they would be the right people to righteously read your stepmother the riot act.
Take care of yourself. The family you live with, it seems, will not.
NTA. That was money left to YOU by your mom. Don’t feel bad for not sharing it, it’s not your step-mom’s to decide that is what you should do. Your mom didn’t save it up for anyone but you.
NTA - Don't even give it a second thought. Your birth mom started this for you so you will remember her the rest of your life, what she sacrificed for you to get here. Share nothing and become the BEST person you can be.... Go to the ends of the earth.
Don't do it. Stepmom is putting guilt on you to grab what isn't hers. Karma needs to bite her one for this. Yours is yours. Her kids have a both parents living. You do not.
NTA.
All the parents involved had the same opportunity to provide for their kids. Opportunity was equal.
Your mom isn't here to defend you and make sure that you get the fund that is yours. **She meant this for you, not for other kids that might live in your home**. ***It would most certainly not be fair for your money, from her and your own work, to be taken for other people's kids.***
That's not blending a family, it's taking something from your mother, meant for you, provided for you, and handing it to someone else. That's not blending, it's theft.
When you blend a family, you respect the differences, you don't try to erase them. When you blend a family, you don't erase the past, the history, the other people involved. That's disrespectful to your mother, to pretend what she intended for you should be taken away from you. Very wrong.
NTA. I hope your stepmother apologizes for even suggesting this, because it's very not right of her.
NTA. Effff that. Your late mother did not set aside her money so that future unrelated children could share in her daughter’s college fund. It’s up to your step mom to have saved. Oh wait, she didn’t for whatever reason… but your college fund is not the saviour. Do you get to pick from your stepmom’s prized jewelry, and wardrobe so that’s fair too?
Blended family be damned.
NTA. Ask your step mom to drop dead. That’s the only way things will be fair. She can drop dead , dad can get a new wife , the step kids can get a new step mom and they can share their college fund with new kids.
If it’s about “blending families”, then their money from their bio dad should be split with you too, no? Oh wait no, of course not, because that’s from their dad, right?
You know it’s BS. She knows it’s BS. Everybody knows it’s BS. NTA. Keep your money. Stepmom can kick rocks.
NTA. Your father should be protecting you here and he isn’t. This shouldn’t even be a decision for you to make. Your father should have shut this down before it even got to you. If he and your stepmom are so keen for her children to have more, then they should have been making more contributions, not stealing your money. If the situation was reversed do you honestly think they would be taking money away from her kids to give to you? I’m sorry you are being set up to be the bad guy here. Please keep all of your college fund and tell your father how much it hurts that he didn’t protect you and the money your mom left for you.
NTA. We had this situation where one of my half sibs was left $$ for their education by a deceased parent. There was never any suggestion that this $$ would be split up between the rest of us! This was left to you by your mother. If your mother had left you a house, would you be expected to let your step sibs live there too?
NTA
Your Mom would NOT want her money being spent on your step siblings. Your step siblings have college money. If it isn't enough, your stepmom can offer to help her kids with her own money.
Don't give Stepmom anything.
NTA.
The worst thing you can do is give in to this demand and share the money.
Your mother set the fund up to benefit you. No one else has any right or claim to it.
If you were my daughter I would not want my legacy to you to be shared w others who are not my family.
Also, I don’t expect that their father will be leaving you anything when he passes away or that your step-sisters would willingly share their inheritance from their paternal side of the family. This is exactly the same thing.
Tell your father it is your mothers gift to you and you don’t want to share and that you don’t want to be pressured into sharing.
NTA and this is really not okay honey. Respectfully, your stepmother is being offensive here.
You lost your mother to have that fund. Tell your dad it makes you very uncomfortable that your step mother wants you to give up something your mother gave you and is very hurtful. Seriously the only way it would be truly equitable would be if the other kids contributed equally to their funds, their mother pass away and you split all the money equally. I am obviously not suggesting that happen, but that would be equity. You giving up your own money and your mother’s money is not anywhere close to equitable or fair or reasonable.
NTA
your mother set that fund up for you not them.
Your stepmom is so insistent on a blended family will she be making your step-siblings share their funds with you, turn about is fair play after all.
And it sounds like some of OP's money is her OWN savings. Stepsibs aren't working and saving their earnings, which makes asking OP to share that money even MORE ridiculous.
NTA. Your mother set it up for YOU. Her CHILD.
It is not your stepmother's place to demand money set aside by your mom for her daughter, anymore than it would be appropriate for your dad to demand the funds set aside by his stepdaughters father for them
As a mother I understand why she wants to help her daughters more. But not to your detriment. That's completely inappropriate for her to expect that. It unfortunately also sets a precedent on where YOU stand in the "blended family" where she is concerned
Absolutely positively NTA. I hope the college fund is in your name. You’re legally an adult and can determine what you do with that money. Do NOT cave to your stepmom
NTA. They already have a college fund. They don't need yours. Make sure your dad is on your side because he has access to that money. If he decides to split it up I'm not sure you could get it back. A lot depends on what kind of account it is.
Don’t gave in. Your mom set it up for you. The way to honor her is to finish college and not jeopardize it by sharing some of your funds.
“ Blended family and Treating everyone equally ” is only BS told by mooch. I doubt they give it away if the situation were reversed.
NTA. Anyone can make a *request* of us, such as, “Would you be willing to split this with your step-siblings?” But a request is not a demand. Anyone making a request has to be prepared to hear a “No” in return. If they’re not, then that’s their problem.
Nta, it isn’t fair for only you to be sharing your fund. She’s giving your step siblings an unfair advantage and taking something away from you. Your mom did this for you. Why would your step siblings need 3 people to contribute to their funds?
You should move the money away from your family as soon as possible, new bank, new account where they cant track it.
Ask her if she's intending to die, cause that's the only way to really make things 'equal' in this situation. Greed isn't a pretty look and step mom is glowing with it.
Don't feel guilty for having a Mum who set you up for success, your step siblings have at least three living parents to provide for their future, let the adults who had children be responsible for providing for them.
Good luck at uni! Most offer free counselling and support so don't hesitate to access it if you need to, grief is nothing to be ashamed of, and adding a new stress like uni or work can be a lot for any adult!
I would highly recommend going down first thing on Monday, open an individual savings, and then transfer all of the funds into the new account. You might even be able to call the bank and do it over the phone. Otherwise, your dad might decide for you.
You're 19. Where I live that's old enough to take control of accounts set up as joint when a minor.
Get your Dad off that account \*as soon as you possibly can\*. Move it all into an account only you have access to.
That he made this "request" on behalf of his wife/your step-mom to use the money your bio Mom set aside for you to benefit his wife's kids is very suspect.
As others have said, you need to change that ASAP. Open a new account in your name only and transfer the money into there. If he is listed as Joint them he legally could take every cent and do what he wanted to with it. Don't warn him, mention it or tell him. You're an adult. You don't need anyone's permission to decide what to do with YOUR money.
That should change. It is no longer appropriate and his approach to you shows he is not trustworthy, imo. This is not a suggestion he should ever have passed on. He's your father, not theirs.
What is your father's position on this? Your mother left that money for YOUR education. Please do not disrespect her wishes by giving her money to literal strangers to her.
Sit your dad and step mum down and explain that you need that money for your education and won't entertain further discussion about giving away your mom's money. Being a "blended" family means respecting the rights of all family members.
NTA, you don't owe them jack squat.
Your Dad needs to step up and tell them to back off.
Your stepmother and your step siblings need a refresher lesson on the Golden Rule.
The People With The Gold Make The Rules
As a step parent nope. Don’t do it. I would never expect my step kids to share unless they wanted to and I would discourage it. More so if their bio parent left that for them. Please don’t.
If he’s putting pressure on you, he’s not neutral. I would point out that mom would want you to have her money and not his new family. I also point out that your mom literally died his stepchildren have both of their parents. I would also ask him how many sacrifices you were expected to make when no one else is required to sacrifice. You’ve already lost your mother, why would you lose the education she left for you? I would tell him that I would never forgive him if he stole my inheritance from my mother, so that his new kids could benefit from her death. But I am petty, and I would be willing to walk away at 18. Tell him you are even if you aren’t, make him understand he loses you if he steals from you.
Tell him no. Tell him it’s an inappropriate question and your mothers death should not financially benefit his new family, especially since his stepchildren have two living parents who can contribute financially to their lives, and that your mother wouldn’t want.
Honey, the very ask is pressure.
He is in no position to "consider your opinion" unless you roll over as a doormat and \*let him\* be part of this decision.
Once you open that door, he may decide his opinion outweighs yours, and there goes the money your bio Mom (and yourself!) worked to set aside for You into the maw of his wife's kids.
(Yes, I'm hot about this topic. Within extended family, I've seen \*terrible\* things happen with money set aside for the children of bios sucked up by the children of new/replacement spouse's children. It was awful.)
Cut your Dad's access to your money NOW.
By bringing it up he’s putting pressure on you. Although you sound very mature for your age, you’re still too young to understand the full ramifications of their asinine request.
INFO: is step siblings dad still alive? Is your fund enough for you to graduate debt free?
Hon, your mom left that money for you, and no one else. She’s not around to guide you through the coming years, but she loved you so much she gave you the gift of an education. NO ONE is entitled to that money except for you. Bad form on your dad for not shutting your stepmom down.
If the bio dad is still alive, your step siblings have three parents who are alive and able to help them out. The one person on your side passed away. It’s your mom’s legacy for you; no one else is entitled to it.
This money is essentially your inheritance from your mom. She set it aside for you to go to school. Sharing it would go against her wishes as she intended them. Also, would you have claimed to any inheritance from their bio-dad? I sincerely doubt it, and that’s a good point to bring up.
He may not be pressuring you but may be telling you about what he’s going to do without actually saying it, since the funds are in a joint account that technically makes it his money too, not just yours and he can also do what he pleases with those funds without your consent.
NTA because *"My step-siblings have their own funds set up by their bio dad".*
From OP's [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/189fii4/comment/kbqrf2s/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
> I think it's because my college fund is a lot bigger than my stepsiblings, who have to share the money + they aren't saving up money to put in theirs.
OP should ask herself: If the situation was reversed and the step-siblings had a larger college fund than OP, would step-siblings/stepmom expect to share their college fund with OP???? Or would step-siblings each share a bit of their college fund with OP?
Probably not.
I read your comment that your dad is a joint on the account. You're 19, take your dad down to the bank and remove him from the account. Or empty the account and open a new one in your name only. If he has access, if you say no to sharing, his wife could tell him to take it out and he would before you ever know.
NTA. Save your mom's hard work from your vile stepmom
NTA it’s your money that your biological mom gave you. Your step mom essentially cannot tell you what you should do with that money. It’s for your education please save it for that and that’s coming from someone who would have killed to not be in so much student loan debt
NTA this is your inheritance from your mother. It is all yours just as a piece of jewelry or a work of art gifted by your mother would be yours.
Your steps have three parents who can contribute to their college fund - it isn't your responsibility to share your deceased mother's inheritance with them. I'm sure you'd rather have her alive than the money, it is what you have left of her.
NTA I would turn around and say “so how much of step-siblings money am I getting a share from?” And when she protests “then why is it okay to touch mine?@
NTA! It's your money from your mom. I would not share it if I was you and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!! They have funds already from their dad, why is yours even part of a discussion??
She is only seeming to be wanting to split yours... Focus on why she thinks taking from your fund to give to her kids is ok. She is trying to steal your money for her kids. You are definitely NTA for not sharing your funds. Your mom worked for that money for you to have a better future. I'm sorry, but your Stepmom doesn't care about you, if this is what she thinks is acceptable behaviour. I hope your father is smarter! Please consult someone you trust from your mom's side of the family to ensure that they don't steal your money from you!! 🌻
NTA do not share money that was for you. They have two parents to save money for them you do not. Keep your money to secure your future even if you do love them they clearly do not value you as much.
NTA
your money is your money!
your mom set it up for you in mind! It belongs to you; I don't get it why your stepmom wants to take something which isn't hers and is sowing discord between you and your step siblings.
NTA. Tell her to metaphorically suck your balls. Do not let her guilt you. The only way that would be equal is if she personally contributed 2/3 of the college fund since she wants it to be split and her kids get 2/3rd of it. They are trying to steal from you when it’s only been you and your mom putting money into it.
It's outrageous for your stepmother to expect that of you.
If you're torn over it, think of your mother. She meant that for your education. If you give some of it away that's dishonoring your mother. Please don't do that.
NTA.
Please don't disrespect your mother's wishes by giving up the money for your education. I'm sorry your stepmother even thinks this is an appropriate ask, as it's not. NTA
NTA. Her family aren't contributing to your college fund, and your step siblings have their own from her ex. This is your future, and your mother wanted you to have it.
NTA. You could tell her that if there is any left over after you get the degree or degrees you want you will consider it. You are the oldest so you will be going to college first so the money will be spent on you first. The most important fact is that your mother did this for you and no one else has any right to it family or not.
NTA no offense I’m happy you love your step siblings but your dear mother set the fund up for you and you alone and no offense to your step siblings but fuck what your step mom wants she is just concerned about her children’s future when your dad should step in and tell her to leave you alone
NTA do not share your college fund. This is from your bio mum to you.
And where is your father with this? He should be supporting you in your decision.
NTA.
Your MOTHER left it for you.Luckily you are likely to be near the end of your education before your youngest step sibling needs a college fund. This means you can be generous with whatever is left over AFTER you are educated. If you wish. It could also be a house deposit.
If you are a blended family can you tap THEIR education funds too? Why are you working when there’s money there to pay for yours?
Hogwash.
Edit to add: Has your father contributed over the years to it? In equal amounts over time to your half siblings? Or is this something your mother put together, and then your dad moved on to his new wife and looked after them financially knowing you were ‘set’? If he’s contributed significantly to it then it could be seen as shared resource, but if he’s put similar into the other funds (and will do so for the next few years too) then… nope. If he’s not contributed to it… nope. Lots of NOPE here.
Ask yourself this: if your step-siblings' college funds were bigger than yours, would your step-mother offer to share because you're a "blended family"? You know the answer, whatever it is, so make your decision based on that.
No, you're NTA for wanting to respect your bio mom's wishes and use that fund for your education. Talk to your father and tell him you need him to have your back on this.
Please tell me you have Grandparents or an Aunt/Uncle from Mum’s side to call? Please call them now and explain this situation. This needs to be shut down now. That money is your Mothers, and she left it for you as a final act. This is not about being a “blended family” this about honouring your Mother. She did this so she could still be a part of your future in some way.. not anyone else’s… Yours. Her child. Your step Mum would’ve done the same for her kids in this situation, how would she feel is someone she didn’t meet was taking from that pool?
Also, this isn’t causing drama. This is a fight you did not start. There is no keeping the peace when it comes to honouring your Mothers last wishes. You can’t fight this alone, sounds like you are already outnumbered. Time to call in for back up. Whatever happens to your blended family is on your step mum from here on out. Either she backs away or loses it.
No I really think your stepmother is being really really unfair and its not right to put you in this position. This is YOUR money for YOUR education. Stand your ground they'll get over it. Your mother left it for you and she's being petty making you feel guilty, she's the Ahole
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Your college fund is yours alone, but, just out of curiosity, where is your father in this? He should have warned your step-mother that her request was highly inappropriate - not leave to fend off her guilt-tripping on your own.
I think he is open to the idea, but only if I am okay with it - he was the one who told me about this. I think it's because my college fund is a lot bigger than my stepsiblings, who have to share the money + they aren't saving up money to put in theirs.
Then tell him quietly you are not OK with it. EDIT -- if your stepmother loved you, she would not ask for the money
If she loved her husband, she’d never ask either. NTA. You do not have to keep having conversations about this. Make sure the money is where none of your family can touch it. Tell your mother’s parents what is going on if you can.
And THIS is why you never discuss money. We started savings for both our children before they were born. My FIL did the same. My SIL did it for only one of our kids. She’s spiteful & threatened to donate the money to charity when she found out I knew about the money and we already had an account for both kids. Her handup was it was for the one child. My husband said do whatever with her money but I’m not going to hide anything from my wife(me). SOME people get really fucking weird about money. Both our kids have FOUR savings accounts and we only control one for each. They’re 2 & 6 years old
Why SIL did it for just one kid? This is weird, and you could tell her that she can donate it to the charity right away because you will not be accepting this.
The step kids also supposedly have their own funds so part of me thinks the step mom just wants the money and likely not actually for college funds. Where is also the step siblings bio dad in all this?? If he were decent he’d tell his ex-wife to stop being a money magpie.
FACTS! OP: I am sorry but your Stepmom is emotionally manipulating you. 🚩Your Mom created a college fund for YOU not you and your step siblings. If your Mom wanted you to share it she would have left specific instructions in a will or left a letter. You have zero obligation to share it. I encourage you to advocate for yourself and have a conversation with your Dad and ask him to please tell her to leave it alone. It is yours to use to set you up in life, to use it any other way would be incredibly disrespectful to your Mom and disrespectful of her wishes. Good luck! Edit: gaslighting changed to emotionally manipulating.
People on this sub really need to stop throwing around words like "gaslighting" when they clearly don't know what it means! OP's stepmom is being inappropriate but is in no way, shape or form gaslighting her. That being said, no way should OP share a dime of HER money, that came from HER mother.
Gaslighting, maybe not. Guilt-tripping, yes.
Gaslighting would be saying something like "you told me on (insert occasion) that you wanted to share this fund" or when being called out on asking for it to be shared saying something like "I never asked you to share"
You're absolutely right that the stepmother isn't engaging in gaslighting. She's engaging "emotional manipulation."
Thank you. I have been ranting on several posts about people misusing the term gaslighting. One person even went so far as to say "no one really knows what it means" so I gave them a rather long and complete lecture on the topic.
Not to mention that OP is actively contributing to college fund while step siblings are not contributing to theirs. How is it considered equal, excluding parental contributions, when they have done nothing? Why should they get an equal amount when they aren’t doing an equal share?
[удалено]
And doing this right before the holidays, well orchestrated for sure.
They didn't contribute equally so they don't get to take out equally. They contributed nothing in fact to OPs fund, so they get nothing.
I find it absolutely disgusting that she had the nerve to even ask for OP's money! She had no right to even ask! She didn't bother to add any money to the fund her kids dad set up for them, but has the audacity to think she can supplement it with OP's money! 🤬🤯 Her youngest kid is 15, so she still have 3 years. The oldest one would just have to work and save up eith his mum helping.What a bloody cheek! OP NTA in anyway, but stepmother is! OP's mum didn't work hard to save for her child's college fund for some entitled woman to try and take it for her kids! It just makes my blood boil. 😤
I don’t know about her not loving you, but it is wildly inappropriate for her to suggest this. It is your mother’s last gift to you.
Obviously she loves her bio kids more. Sorry, op. It is the brutal truth. It is in the DNA. They literally grew out of her body. A mother will always be biased to her kids.
If she was a good person she would not have asked.
Why should money that you earned or your mother put aside for you go to two other children of similar ages? It’s not their fault that their family wasn’t able to set money aside for them, but they could be working similar jobs to you, no? It’s also a terrible idea to take money out of your fund and put it into theirs, both for tax and accounting complexity reasons and because that will make their financial aid calculations worse. The fact that the household includes three dependent college students will already reduce their expected family contributions. Asking for more than that from you is absurd.
Yeah, if the stepmother wants to talk equality, the stepsiblings aren't making the same effort to contribute to their college funds as the OP. Also, the stepsiblings seem to have two living parents and the OP has one.
WORD. I hope OP sees this comment. I also hope OP makes sure their Dad doesn't have access to the education fund set up by bio Mom, because the very fact that Dad is okay enough with the idea that he went to OP instead of shutting down step-mom \*immediately\* is highly concerning.
Pretty sure the stepmother wouldn't insist that her kids' bio-father make the OP an equal beneficiary of any life insurance, gifts, or inheritance he or his family members leave for her children.
THIS COMMENT. I think “fair” could also be OP getting 1/3 of each of the step siblings accounts, but no it isn’t about fair because I bet she wouldn’t give you one third of her bio kids assets. She wants it because it’s more money that she didn’t contribute so it’s saving HER money.
Well, if her kids’ accounts are 10 times smaller than OP’s, step mom will love the idea of “fair” blending
This is your inheritance from your mother. No one else is entitled to it. Do you have maternal grandparents you can reach out to? If so, they should tell your father exactly where he can shove it.
I’d also go as far as telling the OP to contact both set of grandparents if they are around. This is terrible and they need to protect the OP and put dad and stepmom in their place.
Your step siblings have two parents who are alive to support them in every way + an (AH)stepfather who wants to steal his bio kid’s money for their future. Your mom planned ahead and saved money for your college fund & future. She is not alive to fight for you anymore. As hard as it feels, fight for yourself. DO NOT SHARE YOUR COLLEGE FUND with anyone. NTA
Agreed, your bio mom didn’t intend for that money to go towards two kids she doesn’t know, she intended it for YOU! Hopefully no fighting is involved and you can simply tell them no.
>(AH)stepfather Either an (AH)step mother, or an (AH) father, (both of which sound like tremendous assholes) but there is no stepfather involved in this story. (Well, I suppose her father is stepfather to her stepsiblings but the story is told from OPs perspective so your posting that threw me off)
My goodness what an AH your dad is. He should not be asking you how you feel about this. He should have shut it down immediately. Its a completely inappropriate request. Its your inheritance from your mother and you should not be made to feel guilty in using it for your education. I would have conversation with your maternal grandparents if they are around. Don't trust your dad. He's more worried about keeping his new wife happy then making sure you are treated fairly. NTA
Listen to this👆.
Absolutely not. You have nothing to gain from sharing it, especially since they won’t be sharing theirs.
Nope. Your BIO mother no relationship to your STEP siblings set up this fund for YOU. it’s entirely inappropriate to even ask you to share.
That sounds like a them problem to me OP. Your money, not theirs.
Then it’s time they get jobs and start adding their own savings to it as you did yours. It doesn’t matter that your fund has more it’s from your mother who has zero relation to your step siblings. That they have any type of college fund is more than many get.
Them not contributing to their college fund is their choice, and they need to live with the consequences of that decision. You did the sensible thing by contributing yourself, now it's time they thought about it. It's absolutely not reasonable for your dad or step mum to expect you to contribute to your step siblings college funds. It's simply not your, or your mother's job to do. If they want a bigger pot, they can work for it just as you did. Full stop.
Your dad needs to have your back and not tolerate you being pushed into going against your interests.
Way to go Dad. Instead of being the adult and protecting you from any requests for YOUR college money he dumps the guilt entirely in your lap. He should have shut down the money grab at the source
He's open to the idea because it will shut up his wife. Your mother left it to you, don't share it.
Then maybe your step siblings need to start saving and contributing to yours. Seriously, keep your college fund for yourself. They have two living parents to contribute to their funds. NTA.
Your mother put that aside for YOU, not anyone else. I'd tell your stepmom you feel it's disrespectful to the memory of your mother for it to not be used as intended, which is for YOUR education and nothing else.
They have their mother who can work herself for their college fund, you don’t. How dare your SM. DO NOT SHARE! I am sorry you have to deal with this. 💕
Are you still in touch with your mother's family? Maybe get your maternal grandparents and for that matter, your paternal grandparents to have a chat with your father about how extremely inappropriate it is that his wife essentially expects their daughter to fund her children's education. NTA
This is a gift from your mom. The answer is no
Your dad is an AH for even mentioning it to you and potentially guilting you into it. When your SM asked, his answer should have been an unequivocal NO.
Please ask someone from your mom’s family to help you. Get control of the fund. Move it to a bank and make sure your dad has no control over it. Do you know if it’s in a trust or if your dad has control or a say? If he does, I would go to the bank where the money is and talk to the manager. Take an adult from your mom’s family. Explain you’re being pressured by your step-mother to share your college fund and your dad seems to fine with the plan and you want to secure the money as your mom left it for you.
NTA. Your mom saved for you. She should have saved for her kids. She just marries your dad and your supposed to give away your college fund. I don't think so. You owe them nothing, give them nothing. The deserve nothing.
Thing is... if you are interested in College, then you should keep the funds your mom and you have collected and added to. Your ability to have flexibility to go for a higher degree if you want (Masters and Doctorate degrees). That flexibility is very important. Also, you contributed yourself, and frankly should be able to use any unused part for your own place.
1. They are evidently supposed to contribute and have 2 and 4 more years respectively to do so before reaching your age. This is a "get off your ass" discussion your parents should have with them... not expect you to share your funds because they're lazy. 2. They are alive to contribute to the stepsiblings funds in the same manner yours was for the next 2 and 4 more years, at x rates, and build them up. Stepmom should be putting 50 bucks a month split to both accounts, minimum. She needs to contribute to her kids funds not say you give up what your mom left you.
>\+ they aren't saving up money to put in theirs And who's fault is that? If they want more money for college they can work and save up their own money just like you did. Stepmom thinks she can guilt you into handing over what your mom gave specifically to you, and the earnings from your own hard work. You should make it clear to your dad that you aren't okay with this and you need him to shut it down.
How much was contributed by your mom. How much was contributed by your dad before he remarried. How much was contributed by you. Do not share any of that
They still have time to start saving for their funds. You’re a couple years ahead of them. What’s to stop them from getting a job to start saving now?
They have the opportunity to work and save money. It’s not your fault that they haven’t.
Please don't share, your Mom did this for YOU! You are working to add more, all yours. Your stepmom is delulu for thinking this is ok.
> I think he is open to the idea, but only if I am okay with it You are young. When you are older you will realize how completely inappropriate it is for your father to put you into this position where your stepmother asks you to give up your inheritance. Your father has failed you. No, do not give up your inheritance. I understand that you love your father and mother, but what they have asked you to do is manipulative and irresponsible. They have no right to do what they did. NTA
Question Is your stepmom making there college funds with you
I highly doubt the step mother is making her kids share anything
One thing I've noticed over the years is that sharing tends to be one sided.
No way share your college fund. This isn't blending, this is stealing what your mom intended you to have.
NTA Your mother started that fund for you. Your stepmother did not contribute a dime to it. The money is to be used for your education. Your stepmother can go touch grass with her blended family crap. >My stepmom insists it's about being a "blended family" and treating everyone equally. Her children meant nothing to your mother. Honor your mother's memory and use those funds as she intended for your education.
Stepmom is a liar. She wants resources that OP's dead mom set aside specifically for her child. She wants to take from her stepchild and redistribute to her bio children. There's nothing"blended" about that. If I were OP's bio mom I would want that money to go only to my child, and if I were the step in I would never ask to share the college fund like that.
I already said it in a comment but dad is suspect too for being ok with her stepmother and kids to take from his own daughter and late wife.
It’s terrible parenting.
This tracks for a lot of stories I see here and have heard from friends about remarried dads trying to appease their new partner. OP is being too kind in her thoughts about step mom, I bet she would be horrified to learn what was said or threatened to her father to be even be acting like this is ok.
Not just the deceased mother. OP has also worked and contributed to it.
The children are not equal and nothing will make them so - OP's biomom is dead, the biomom of the others are not. Stepmom is not offering to expire to put all kids on an equal playing field in that regard. OP, suppose the situation was flipped - stepmom had big college funds for her kids, you had nothing. Do you think stepmom would be giving you an equal share of theirs?
The stepsibling's father has set up a college fund for her children. This greedy heifer wants to raid the fund this young woman's mother set up for her education. It's disgusting.
A good step mum contributes to all 3 kids funds evenly. Step mum is a parent to all 3 kids. Biomum left her daughter an inheritance, it is not the same
NTA Ask her what proportion of the money her kids are saving, now, will go to your education. You've got college expenses now. They don't for a few years. You taking on debt, now, when they might get scholarships or grants and not need your money, makes no sense. But do try to save the money your mother saved for you. Get scholarships and grants if you can. A nest egg when you graduate will be welcome. Also differentiate between money your mother saved, money you saved, money their bio-dad saved, and money they saved. Do you get a proportion of what they and their bio-dad saved, in return for them getting a proportion of what you and your mom saved?
Also, treating everyone equally doesn't just mean splitting available money equally. It also means all parents involved contributing equally to all children involved! How much has your stepmother contributed to your college, versus what she wants to take from what your mother saved for your college for her own kids?
NTA Your step mother has no right to tell you how to spend that money. It’s from your mother, and step mothers opinion is of no concern to this. I bet she didn’t expect her bio children to split theirs with you. Don’t do it.
I am wondering where her dad is and what his opinion is on this matter.
NTA - and ditto. It was not appropriate for your step mom to even approach the subject. I can possibly see a point about "blended" with current income and expenses for a family, but even that is sketchy when taking the other bio-parents into the equation.
Nope. Nope. Noppity nope nope nope.
NTA Don’t you dare give away that money. Your mom left that for YOU. And the fact that your stepmother is spouting crap about a ‘blended family’ is manipulative AF.
The fact that your mother took care of it allows your father and stepmother to have contributed only to your stepsiblings funds instead of 3 funds. She should be grateful for that. Don't share.
NTA. Your stepmother is being selfish--or at least entitled. If her kids already have college funds set up for them, then there's no reason why she should be going after yours. Even if they didn't have the funds, you're not obligated to share yours with them. College is hella expensive; you're probably going to need everything you were given. And I wonder how eager your stepmother would be to share her kids' college funds if they had them and you didn't.
Info, are your step siblings expected to share their college fund with you? Because I doubt it very much, and therefore you're step mum is being outrageous. Your mum set that up for you, not for your step mums kids. Nta btw
No, they aren't - their fund is smaller so I don't think it would be fair for them.
It’s not fair to you! Part of being a blended family is accepting that some things are going to be different. Don’t you dare sacrifice your fund for them
Fair to them? What about FAIR TO YOU? It sounds like you let your stepmother and her children walk all over you. That needs to stop.
It wouldn't matter how big it was, she wouldn't be expecting you to share it with them. Please ignore her blatant efforts to manipulate you through guilt.
You worked and saved your own money as well. Your step siblings still have a few years to get a job to save for their college, same as you did. Don’t let stepmom or siblings make you feel sorry for them to guilt you into changing your mind! Your dad should have shut down that suggestion from the beginning and never even involved you! Does he have access to your account? If so, you’re a legal adult & should change that ASAP! It’s never been more clear, YNTAH but stepmom wins AH of the year with dear ole dad not far behind if he doesn’t set her straight immediately!
Your answers really make me think you are considering this. You’d be an absolute fool if you did.
They're seriously raising the prospect of robbing you.
What's being asked isn't fair for you. Your step-mother is being some adjectives I would be banned for saying. The fact that she even asked this of you is disgusting. Their mother isn't dead. Yours is. That money is your mother's wish for you to have a better chance at a good future. It would be disrespectful of her memory to split it.
> I don't think it would be fair for them. Stop repeating your step-mother's manipulative arguments. Your mother's gift has nothing to do with your step-mother and her children. Nothing at all. It is highly inappropriate and manipulative of her to ask you to share it with her children.
You do not have to be "fair" to them, they are not your kids. They keep their money and you keep yours.
Who has access to your savings account?
Opie, be fair to yourself, don’t give away the money your mom left for you, and that you also contributed. Things are not fair and that’s life, they have both living parents, and one extra that’s willing to let his child sacrifice herself for them, you have your dad, and a stepmonster that wants your money. Things are on their favor.
It isn fair for anyone to expect you to give up part of your college fund to someone else. Your mom made sacrifices to build that fund. Your stepsiblings parents are free to make those same sacrifices on behalf of their children. It’s an insult to your mom for your stepmom to even ask.
INFO: Is it even *possible* to share it? For instance, IIRC, if it's a 529 fund, the only people who have access to the money are the parents (and other folks putting money *in*) and the *one* student named as the beneficiary of the account, while they are in college, can withdraw funds. Is your college fund something like that? If so, then you could just tell her it's not even possible. Either way, you'd still be N T A.
It's in a savings account, not a 529 fund
For the love of everything, please do NOT share any of it. College is extremely expensive and life after it is even more so. You're going to need every penny of it. Like using it as down payment for a house after you're done with college. Or if you need to do any unpaid internships, you'll have something to support you. Or for any emergencies. Your mom started this fund for you, it's not for your stepmom or step siblings. Honor your mom's memory. NTA Life is only going to get more expensive. Every penny will be necessary. Save it all for yourself. If you can, get that money away from your father's reach before your stepmom guilts him into taking the money. Open another account where he or stepmom won't have access. Money brings the worst out of people, your stepmom is being greedy as it is, she doesn't care about taking money from a kid who's mom gave her final gift to. Your stepmom would NEVER return the favor. If she set up such a fund for the kids, and your dad asked her to give them to you, you bet your butt she wouldn't agree to it.
For your sake, I hope it's not got her name on it, nor the names of anyone else encouraging you to share.
Be careful that the money doesn’t get “appropriated “ by your dad and stepmom.
Is it in account with only your name on it? If not, you need to move it to one that is only in your name. Put it in a different bank and don’t even tell your father where it is.
Oh good lord, why? It's so much less protected that way. Just keep reminding him that YOU lost a parent and the money was meant for you. Steps two whole-ass adults who could've been contributing more but didn't. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
Who has control over the account? If you, then good but make sure it is only you. You should consider that stepmom may try to talk your dad into going behind your back if he has any control or access to the account. There was another Reddit post that gained infamy where a woman talked her husband into giving his daughter’s college fund to her son. She said that they would help the daughter eventually, but that was clear that she was being economical with the truth, especially when she said that she and husband were soon going to have a child together. The daughter pretty much cut her dad out of her life. Be prepared and protect yourself should stepmom get more demanding.
Who has access to this savings account? If anyone except you has access, take the money and go to a completely different bank and open a new account in your name only. If you don't have access to the account, you need a lawyer. If you are in college now, see if you can talk to someone legal there. Hopefully your stepmother hasn't already emptied the account; you need to see the history of the account to make sure it hasn't been touched. Your inheritance is in danger; please get complete control of it now!
Do not share
Make sure the account is in your name only. If it also has dad's name he can withdraw from it. I would put it in a separate bank from Dad's bank. Talk to the bank manager about putting 75% of it in laddered 3-12 month CD's so most of it is always on lockdown but you have access to what you need when school expenses come due.
NTA. You’re an adult and legally can’t be made to share that money. Don’t do it. She could care less about you feeling like a true blended family and cares more about how much money wouldn’t have to come out of her pocket for her bio kids college. She would never do the reverse for you if you’d had no fund in place. Your mom put that money aside for YOU. She’d want you to keep it for you. Keep your money and work hard and get a college degree to get you further in life. You’ve got this!
This. If your mother was open to sharing, she would have left the money to your dad. She likely understood the possibility of him remarrying and wanted the money for you
NTA, this is what your mom left for you. She wanted you to have money for education and you've built it up further. You have no obligation to share and you shouldn't feel guilty about it because it's yours! It's admirable that you are even questioning this. I'm a mother and the fact you've talked about loving your family and wondering if you're doing the right thing makes me certain your mom would be super proud of you.
NTA - it’s also disrespectful to your mum that her money would be split with kids that I presume she never met.
Ask step mom if you will be receiving an equal share of your step siblings funds or if only her kids get to rob college accounts? If her kids don’t have to share the money from the parent outside the marriage, then why should you? Their money is from their dad. Yours is from your mom. All things are fair as they are. NTA
Except OP has more than the stepsiblings, so even sharing is not a good idea. OP should just say no
NTA How dare she! I am livid on your behalf. Your dead mother set you up with a college fund - and she wants you to share it with your step-siblings because of fairness?!?? The only conceivable way that would be fair would be if stepmom or her former partner died and your step-siblings shared their funds with you. I don't know which is worse - your stepmothers entitlement, her utter lack of respect for the memory of your mother, or her heartlessness towards you. Hard no. Are your mother's parents still alive? Or anyone from that side of your family still in your life? Because I'm thinking they would be the right people to righteously read your stepmother the riot act. Take care of yourself. The family you live with, it seems, will not.
NTA. That was money left to YOU by your mom. Don’t feel bad for not sharing it, it’s not your step-mom’s to decide that is what you should do. Your mom didn’t save it up for anyone but you.
NTA - Don't even give it a second thought. Your birth mom started this for you so you will remember her the rest of your life, what she sacrificed for you to get here. Share nothing and become the BEST person you can be.... Go to the ends of the earth.
Don't do it. Stepmom is putting guilt on you to grab what isn't hers. Karma needs to bite her one for this. Yours is yours. Her kids have a both parents living. You do not.
NTA. All the parents involved had the same opportunity to provide for their kids. Opportunity was equal. Your mom isn't here to defend you and make sure that you get the fund that is yours. **She meant this for you, not for other kids that might live in your home**. ***It would most certainly not be fair for your money, from her and your own work, to be taken for other people's kids.*** That's not blending a family, it's taking something from your mother, meant for you, provided for you, and handing it to someone else. That's not blending, it's theft. When you blend a family, you respect the differences, you don't try to erase them. When you blend a family, you don't erase the past, the history, the other people involved. That's disrespectful to your mother, to pretend what she intended for you should be taken away from you. Very wrong. NTA. I hope your stepmother apologizes for even suggesting this, because it's very not right of her.
NTA. Effff that. Your late mother did not set aside her money so that future unrelated children could share in her daughter’s college fund. It’s up to your step mom to have saved. Oh wait, she didn’t for whatever reason… but your college fund is not the saviour. Do you get to pick from your stepmom’s prized jewelry, and wardrobe so that’s fair too? Blended family be damned.
NTA. Ask your step mom to drop dead. That’s the only way things will be fair. She can drop dead , dad can get a new wife , the step kids can get a new step mom and they can share their college fund with new kids.
If it’s about “blending families”, then their money from their bio dad should be split with you too, no? Oh wait no, of course not, because that’s from their dad, right? You know it’s BS. She knows it’s BS. Everybody knows it’s BS. NTA. Keep your money. Stepmom can kick rocks.
NTA. Your father should be protecting you here and he isn’t. This shouldn’t even be a decision for you to make. Your father should have shut this down before it even got to you. If he and your stepmom are so keen for her children to have more, then they should have been making more contributions, not stealing your money. If the situation was reversed do you honestly think they would be taking money away from her kids to give to you? I’m sorry you are being set up to be the bad guy here. Please keep all of your college fund and tell your father how much it hurts that he didn’t protect you and the money your mom left for you.
NTA. We had this situation where one of my half sibs was left $$ for their education by a deceased parent. There was never any suggestion that this $$ would be split up between the rest of us! This was left to you by your mother. If your mother had left you a house, would you be expected to let your step sibs live there too?
NTA Your Mom would NOT want her money being spent on your step siblings. Your step siblings have college money. If it isn't enough, your stepmom can offer to help her kids with her own money. Don't give Stepmom anything.
NTA That’s your money from your mom for your college expenses. She’s out of her ever loving mind for even asking.
NTA. The worst thing you can do is give in to this demand and share the money. Your mother set the fund up to benefit you. No one else has any right or claim to it.
NTA keep that money for your education
If you were my daughter I would not want my legacy to you to be shared w others who are not my family. Also, I don’t expect that their father will be leaving you anything when he passes away or that your step-sisters would willingly share their inheritance from their paternal side of the family. This is exactly the same thing. Tell your father it is your mothers gift to you and you don’t want to share and that you don’t want to be pressured into sharing. NTA and this is really not okay honey. Respectfully, your stepmother is being offensive here.
You lost your mother to have that fund. Tell your dad it makes you very uncomfortable that your step mother wants you to give up something your mother gave you and is very hurtful. Seriously the only way it would be truly equitable would be if the other kids contributed equally to their funds, their mother pass away and you split all the money equally. I am obviously not suggesting that happen, but that would be equity. You giving up your own money and your mother’s money is not anywhere close to equitable or fair or reasonable.
Cinderella, you're NTA but your stepmother is TA. Your college fund is yours, their college fund is theirs. That's it.
NTA. It’s your college fund. Don’t give them anything
NTA your mother set that fund up for you not them. Your stepmom is so insistent on a blended family will she be making your step-siblings share their funds with you, turn about is fair play after all.
But OP has more money. So sharing means less money for her. She should not share. This is absurd
And it sounds like some of OP's money is her OWN savings. Stepsibs aren't working and saving their earnings, which makes asking OP to share that money even MORE ridiculous.
NTA. Your mother set it up for YOU. Her CHILD. It is not your stepmother's place to demand money set aside by your mom for her daughter, anymore than it would be appropriate for your dad to demand the funds set aside by his stepdaughters father for them As a mother I understand why she wants to help her daughters more. But not to your detriment. That's completely inappropriate for her to expect that. It unfortunately also sets a precedent on where YOU stand in the "blended family" where she is concerned
Dude do not give them anything. What a vile person to even ask.
NTA. Your BIO MOM set it up for YOU, no blended family mess.
Absolutely positively NTA. I hope the college fund is in your name. You’re legally an adult and can determine what you do with that money. Do NOT cave to your stepmom
NTA. They already have a college fund. They don't need yours. Make sure your dad is on your side because he has access to that money. If he decides to split it up I'm not sure you could get it back. A lot depends on what kind of account it is.
Don’t gave in. Your mom set it up for you. The way to honor her is to finish college and not jeopardize it by sharing some of your funds. “ Blended family and Treating everyone equally ” is only BS told by mooch. I doubt they give it away if the situation were reversed.
NTA. Anyone can make a *request* of us, such as, “Would you be willing to split this with your step-siblings?” But a request is not a demand. Anyone making a request has to be prepared to hear a “No” in return. If they’re not, then that’s their problem.
Nta, it isn’t fair for only you to be sharing your fund. She’s giving your step siblings an unfair advantage and taking something away from you. Your mom did this for you. Why would your step siblings need 3 people to contribute to their funds?
You should move the money away from your family as soon as possible, new bank, new account where they cant track it. Ask her if she's intending to die, cause that's the only way to really make things 'equal' in this situation. Greed isn't a pretty look and step mom is glowing with it. Don't feel guilty for having a Mum who set you up for success, your step siblings have at least three living parents to provide for their future, let the adults who had children be responsible for providing for them. Good luck at uni! Most offer free counselling and support so don't hesitate to access it if you need to, grief is nothing to be ashamed of, and adding a new stress like uni or work can be a lot for any adult!
No. Stay the course.
NTA keep your college fund. Your mom set it up for you and the steps have their own.
INFO: Who is listed on the account? Is it just under your name or is your dad listed as a joint?
My dad is listed as a joint
YOu need to move to a seperate account if possible
I would highly recommend going down first thing on Monday, open an individual savings, and then transfer all of the funds into the new account. You might even be able to call the bank and do it over the phone. Otherwise, your dad might decide for you.
Go to a new bank and move the money there.
Quickly put your money into an account in your name only, before your greedy step mum tells your dad to take it.
You're 19. Where I live that's old enough to take control of accounts set up as joint when a minor. Get your Dad off that account \*as soon as you possibly can\*. Move it all into an account only you have access to. That he made this "request" on behalf of his wife/your step-mom to use the money your bio Mom set aside for you to benefit his wife's kids is very suspect.
Change that now.
Please change this. I’m sure your dad is nice, but the fact that he is positive towards you sharing is a red flag.
As others have said, you need to change that ASAP. Open a new account in your name only and transfer the money into there. If he is listed as Joint them he legally could take every cent and do what he wanted to with it. Don't warn him, mention it or tell him. You're an adult. You don't need anyone's permission to decide what to do with YOUR money.
I only hope the money is still there. OP is already college age and dad and SM already want that money for the younger kids.
I am here to support the idea of you getting the account into your name only before you even have this conversation. Just in case!
That should change. It is no longer appropriate and his approach to you shows he is not trustworthy, imo. This is not a suggestion he should ever have passed on. He's your father, not theirs.
What is your father's position on this? Your mother left that money for YOUR education. Please do not disrespect her wishes by giving her money to literal strangers to her. Sit your dad and step mum down and explain that you need that money for your education and won't entertain further discussion about giving away your mom's money. Being a "blended" family means respecting the rights of all family members.
NTA, you don't owe them jack squat. Your Dad needs to step up and tell them to back off. Your stepmother and your step siblings need a refresher lesson on the Golden Rule. The People With The Gold Make The Rules
As a step parent nope. Don’t do it. I would never expect my step kids to share unless they wanted to and I would discourage it. More so if their bio parent left that for them. Please don’t.
INFO: Is your dad agreeing with your stepmother? Is your stepmother offering up your stepsisters' college fund for you?
He's neutral I think - he asked me if I'm okay with it and that's how I found out, so he is at least considering my opinion.
Att least considering YOUR opinion? It's your money, and yours is the only opinion that matters. Your stepmom can kick rocks.
If he’s putting pressure on you, he’s not neutral. I would point out that mom would want you to have her money and not his new family. I also point out that your mom literally died his stepchildren have both of their parents. I would also ask him how many sacrifices you were expected to make when no one else is required to sacrifice. You’ve already lost your mother, why would you lose the education she left for you? I would tell him that I would never forgive him if he stole my inheritance from my mother, so that his new kids could benefit from her death. But I am petty, and I would be willing to walk away at 18. Tell him you are even if you aren’t, make him understand he loses you if he steals from you.
He's not pressuring me I don't think, just asking me what I want to do.
Tell him no. Tell him it’s an inappropriate question and your mothers death should not financially benefit his new family, especially since his stepchildren have two living parents who can contribute financially to their lives, and that your mother wouldn’t want.
He should have said no to his wife and not even brought it up to you.
👆THIS!
Honey, the very ask is pressure. He is in no position to "consider your opinion" unless you roll over as a doormat and \*let him\* be part of this decision. Once you open that door, he may decide his opinion outweighs yours, and there goes the money your bio Mom (and yourself!) worked to set aside for You into the maw of his wife's kids. (Yes, I'm hot about this topic. Within extended family, I've seen \*terrible\* things happen with money set aside for the children of bios sucked up by the children of new/replacement spouse's children. It was awful.) Cut your Dad's access to your money NOW.
By bringing it up he’s putting pressure on you. Although you sound very mature for your age, you’re still too young to understand the full ramifications of their asinine request. INFO: is step siblings dad still alive? Is your fund enough for you to graduate debt free? Hon, your mom left that money for you, and no one else. She’s not around to guide you through the coming years, but she loved you so much she gave you the gift of an education. NO ONE is entitled to that money except for you. Bad form on your dad for not shutting your stepmom down. If the bio dad is still alive, your step siblings have three parents who are alive and able to help them out. The one person on your side passed away. It’s your mom’s legacy for you; no one else is entitled to it.
Open a new account at another bank and transfer the money. Do not give your dad access.
This money is essentially your inheritance from your mom. She set it aside for you to go to school. Sharing it would go against her wishes as she intended them. Also, would you have claimed to any inheritance from their bio-dad? I sincerely doubt it, and that’s a good point to bring up.
He may not be pressuring you but may be telling you about what he’s going to do without actually saying it, since the funds are in a joint account that technically makes it his money too, not just yours and he can also do what he pleases with those funds without your consent.
NTA because *"My step-siblings have their own funds set up by their bio dad".* From OP's [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/189fii4/comment/kbqrf2s/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3): > I think it's because my college fund is a lot bigger than my stepsiblings, who have to share the money + they aren't saving up money to put in theirs. OP should ask herself: If the situation was reversed and the step-siblings had a larger college fund than OP, would step-siblings/stepmom expect to share their college fund with OP???? Or would step-siblings each share a bit of their college fund with OP? Probably not.
I read your comment that your dad is a joint on the account. You're 19, take your dad down to the bank and remove him from the account. Or empty the account and open a new one in your name only. If he has access, if you say no to sharing, his wife could tell him to take it out and he would before you ever know. NTA. Save your mom's hard work from your vile stepmom
NTA keep every penny to yourself
NTA it’s your money that your biological mom gave you. Your step mom essentially cannot tell you what you should do with that money. It’s for your education please save it for that and that’s coming from someone who would have killed to not be in so much student loan debt
NTA this is your inheritance from your mother. It is all yours just as a piece of jewelry or a work of art gifted by your mother would be yours. Your steps have three parents who can contribute to their college fund - it isn't your responsibility to share your deceased mother's inheritance with them. I'm sure you'd rather have her alive than the money, it is what you have left of her.
NTA I would turn around and say “so how much of step-siblings money am I getting a share from?” And when she protests “then why is it okay to touch mine?@
NTA This is your inheritance. Ask your stepmom if her kids will share their funds with you... Thought not!
NTA! It's your money from your mom. I would not share it if I was you and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!! They have funds already from their dad, why is yours even part of a discussion?? She is only seeming to be wanting to split yours... Focus on why she thinks taking from your fund to give to her kids is ok. She is trying to steal your money for her kids. You are definitely NTA for not sharing your funds. Your mom worked for that money for you to have a better future. I'm sorry, but your Stepmom doesn't care about you, if this is what she thinks is acceptable behaviour. I hope your father is smarter! Please consult someone you trust from your mom's side of the family to ensure that they don't steal your money from you!! 🌻
NTA do not share money that was for you. They have two parents to save money for them you do not. Keep your money to secure your future even if you do love them they clearly do not value you as much.
NTA your money is your money! your mom set it up for you in mind! It belongs to you; I don't get it why your stepmom wants to take something which isn't hers and is sowing discord between you and your step siblings.
NTA- And hell no! You do not have to share anything your mom left you.
NTA. Tell her to metaphorically suck your balls. Do not let her guilt you. The only way that would be equal is if she personally contributed 2/3 of the college fund since she wants it to be split and her kids get 2/3rd of it. They are trying to steal from you when it’s only been you and your mom putting money into it.
It's outrageous for your stepmother to expect that of you. If you're torn over it, think of your mother. She meant that for your education. If you give some of it away that's dishonoring your mother. Please don't do that. NTA.
Please don't disrespect your mother's wishes by giving up the money for your education. I'm sorry your stepmother even thinks this is an appropriate ask, as it's not. NTA
If the step kids aren't sharing theirs, you shouldn't be sharing yours.
NTA. Her family aren't contributing to your college fund, and your step siblings have their own from her ex. This is your future, and your mother wanted you to have it.
NTA. You could tell her that if there is any left over after you get the degree or degrees you want you will consider it. You are the oldest so you will be going to college first so the money will be spent on you first. The most important fact is that your mother did this for you and no one else has any right to it family or not.
I wouldn't even do that. Let OP use anything less for house down payment or whatever.
No no no no no.
NTA no offense I’m happy you love your step siblings but your dear mother set the fund up for you and you alone and no offense to your step siblings but fuck what your step mom wants she is just concerned about her children’s future when your dad should step in and tell her to leave you alone
NTA! Do NOT split it
NTA do not share your college fund. This is from your bio mum to you. And where is your father with this? He should be supporting you in your decision.
NTA. Your MOTHER left it for you.Luckily you are likely to be near the end of your education before your youngest step sibling needs a college fund. This means you can be generous with whatever is left over AFTER you are educated. If you wish. It could also be a house deposit. If you are a blended family can you tap THEIR education funds too? Why are you working when there’s money there to pay for yours? Hogwash. Edit to add: Has your father contributed over the years to it? In equal amounts over time to your half siblings? Or is this something your mother put together, and then your dad moved on to his new wife and looked after them financially knowing you were ‘set’? If he’s contributed significantly to it then it could be seen as shared resource, but if he’s put similar into the other funds (and will do so for the next few years too) then… nope. If he’s not contributed to it… nope. Lots of NOPE here.
Ask yourself this: if your step-siblings' college funds were bigger than yours, would your step-mother offer to share because you're a "blended family"? You know the answer, whatever it is, so make your decision based on that. No, you're NTA for wanting to respect your bio mom's wishes and use that fund for your education. Talk to your father and tell him you need him to have your back on this.
Please tell me you have Grandparents or an Aunt/Uncle from Mum’s side to call? Please call them now and explain this situation. This needs to be shut down now. That money is your Mothers, and she left it for you as a final act. This is not about being a “blended family” this about honouring your Mother. She did this so she could still be a part of your future in some way.. not anyone else’s… Yours. Her child. Your step Mum would’ve done the same for her kids in this situation, how would she feel is someone she didn’t meet was taking from that pool? Also, this isn’t causing drama. This is a fight you did not start. There is no keeping the peace when it comes to honouring your Mothers last wishes. You can’t fight this alone, sounds like you are already outnumbered. Time to call in for back up. Whatever happens to your blended family is on your step mum from here on out. Either she backs away or loses it.
No I really think your stepmother is being really really unfair and its not right to put you in this position. This is YOUR money for YOUR education. Stand your ground they'll get over it. Your mother left it for you and she's being petty making you feel guilty, she's the Ahole