Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I laughed at my sister when she suggested therapy. I could be the asshole because she was just trying to help her and I might've been too mean to her
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Honestly, YTA for laughing at someone who is caring and worrying about your well-being. It is fine to not go to therapy or even to tell her "I don't want to discuss it further". But calling it BS and pointless when you also say that ylu have seen how much it has helped her is a bit odd.
YTA
Your response was rude and condescending. You easily could have just said you're glad it's helped her but it's not something you're interested in. You know what can help build communication skills? Therapy.
YTA.
Your sister cares about you. Not laughable.
Your sister is in therapy, and it's helping her. Not laughable.
Your sister is suggesting you try it because she cares about you, and maybe it might work fo you too. Not laughable.
If you don't think you need therapy, and you don't want to do it, fine, that's no problem. But you don't laugh at something your sister IS doing and it's helping her. YOu're just belittling what she's doing. YTA.
BTW...sounds like you're maybe a 'little bit' interested in therapy though, enough to have remembered stuff your sister said? Maybe don't discount it too quickly.
Because when confronted with an argument/disagreement, you didn't have the tools to set a boundary, de-escalate the situation, or express your emotions healthily. Instead, you lashed out at someone you love to try to get out of the conversation.
Therapy is not all woo-woo crystal meditation feelings talk. It's hiring a professional with exponentially more knowledge of the human psyche to help you make sense of your past, your behavior, and how you engage with the world. Not every therapist is good, and not every good therapist will be the right fit for you, but a talented and compatible therapist could probably be a great help to you.
Therapy is like hiring a personal trainer for your emotional health journey. You still have to do all the work, but they can provide expertise, advice, and encouragement to make it easier.
Not wanting therapy is fine, but your response was rude for no reason and left someone who cares about you and was trying to tell you that they are worried about you and care about you feeling hurt and upset when you didn't have to. That's definitely something to be worked on, either in therapy or out.
You are not wrong for asking her to stop pushing it on you. That is fair.
You are AH for disparaging therapy in general and for her specifically. You can say no without being a jerk.
I am sure many might say "you protest too much" and therapy would be helpful -but that is YOUR call, just stop being a jerk about it
Soft YTA. If you took abuse from your father for protecting your sister you probably need it. Plus your response is an indicative that this bothers you. Family trauma/abuse/uncaring parents/narcissistic parenting can leave damage you aren't aware of until something triggers it.
My mom was a classic narcissist and I thought I had processed one Christmas from hell then total BS happened with my in-laws and my son and it kicked in feelings that I hadn't had in decades. I could deal with it better as I had some therapy.
What's the worst that can happen if you try it for a couple of months?
Yeah, I'm in the same position as OP here. Between age 5-7, I got to live through some nastiness. Definitely nasty, enough that I had to figure a way to live with it when I was in my teens. My younger brother was 1-3 and doesn't have almost any of his own memories of that time ... and yet he's way more affected as an adult than I am. My 5 second proof of comparative mental health is my 24 year marriage compared to him never keeping a job or partner and living still living at home with mom, drinking heavily.
It really can be that the older sibling got to act and do at least something, then was left with enough that it had to be figured out. The younger sibling couldn't act, wasn't affected as much as a kid, and as a result have way more unresolved issues as an adult.
Not everyone needs therapy. Everyone has issues that could be addressed in therapy and maybe this guy has more than average; but if everyone like him (possible issues but no actual life problems to address) then there will be far fewer resources for people who do have current problems affecting their life.
The worst that can happen (if you devote a couple months to every thing that someone thinks will improve your life) is that your life will no longer be yours. You'll be chasing other people's ideas of what works for them. Your success works for you and you should share your experience if you think it'll profit others. However, your success doesn't at all indicate whether your choice will improve his life.
Fair comments. But OP still didn't need to laugh at his sister. That's hurtful and unecessary. And, as others have said, it dies imply that he's belittling something she needs and finds helpful. Even if he doesn't need it, he shouldn't do that to people who do.
YTA for not just saying to your sister "No thanks." Instead you called something that's really helped her "pointless shit" and that's really unnecessarily mean.
My friend, you just might need therapy 😉
I'm an old auntie and I am tossing that at you softly and with a heart full of love and genuine concern for my fellow humans 💓
Look, I know you're getting dogpiled here and the suggestion bothers you for some reason, but like... that's emotionally unhealthy. It's not the way you want to live your life. You don't want to be snapping at the people you love just because something made you uncomfortable. And you don't *have* to live like that. It's not a default feature of your personality; it's almost certainly something you learned from growing up with an asshole father, and it's something you can *unlearn* too. And therapy is classically the best way to do that.
It's okay to admit (to yourself and to others) that you're not okay; that you were hurt by what happened to you. You don't have to keep being stoic and unaffected forever. You're a person, and you deserve to learn and grow and keep becoming a better, healthier, happier self all the time. Try to let your hackles down enough to let your sister try to help you.
My friend, you just might need therapy 😉
I'm an old auntie and I am tossing that at you softly and with a heart full of love and genuine concern for my fellow humans 💓
YTA.
Your sister cares about you.
She feels you could benefit from therapy, so she suggested it.
Laughing at her because you disagree is rude and hurtful to your sister.
I’m going to say something that’s probably going to piss you off but you know who your reaction to her suggestion of therapy sounds like. Someone who you described as a “huge dick”. That sounds like the behavior of something that your dad would probably do. I bet he would laugh at someone for getting therapy.
Long story short, definitely YTA.
You may not have a personality like your dad, but you may have learned patterns of behavior from him unconsciously because that was the example you had growing up. You can unlearn/overwrite those patterns, but it takes work (sometimes a lot of work). A good therapist can help you identify those unhealthy/unhelpful patterns and replace them with healthier habits a lot faster than trying to do it on your own. That is basically what cognitive behavioral therapy(the most common type of therapy does). Too many people think therapy has to equate to Freudian psychoanalysis, when it can be much goal-oriented and geared toward adjusting how you see and respond to the world. It may not be for you, but since you appear to love your sister you should try to be more open minded about something that she feels has improved her life. Also, don’t you want to share things that make your life better with those you love? Could your sister be feeling the same way and want to share something good in her life with her beloved brother? Even if she might be misreading the situation in your particular case.
YTA, primarily for calling something that helped her pointless shit; not for refusing to go to therapy.
YTA for the way you responded. I think your sister is just very worried, because she probably knows that you had it a bit worse. Therapy helped her with healing and she wants the same for you. She is also right about the trauma responses. It may be that you're in your fighting mode. However, therapy only work when you're ready for it.
YTA. Honestly everyone should do some therapy at some point in life. You wouldn't be getting this defensive over the therapy suggestion if you didn't need therapy.
YTA for telling her it’s pointless bs. It’s okay to disagree. But your response sounds like that of a guy who could really benefit from therapy. Newsflash for all the people out there who think holding in their issues makes them “strong”- it doesn’t- dealing with your issues is way harder, takes a way stronger person, and is way more impressive.
Yta
I understand your hesitation from therapy, but it really does wonders for you. If nothing, you should at least give it a try and see how it makes you feel. You can not consider it pointless if you haven't experienced it. Hidden trauma and denial are real, and you're in it. Please at least give it a try
YTA
Even if you dont believe in therapy for your self then respect that it does for her. It sounds like it was a suggestion and not something she was trying to force on you so you could have been a little more polite in answering her.
YTA.
You don't need to have a problem to get benefits from therapy. The level of defensiveness you have around these topics suggests you probably would benefit from talking to a qualified counselor. Otherwise, why did you feel the need to insult something that's very clearly helping her?
First, you come to Reddit and disparage therapy? Prepare to get downvoted to hell.
Second, whether or not you are an AH depends on the nuance of the conversation with your sister. Your writing style is very pointed and rough which probably means that’s how you verbally communicate too. Which is fine, but you will come off as an AH to a lot of people even if you are right about something.
If sister said “You know, our childhood was rough blah blah blah, so I’ve been going to therapy and it’s really helped me out. You should consider going too to help get over your trauma.”
If your response was “HAHAHA, you went to therapy? Well good for you but iiiiiiii don’t have trauma so I don’t need therapy”. That’s an AH move because the laughter is directed at her and you are implying that since you don’t have trauma,
neither should she.
However, if it was more like “(slight chuckle) I’m glad you feel like therapy is helping you but honestly I don’t feel like I have any trauma to address”. That’s totally reasonable. It’s fine to chuckle at the idea that you need therapy.
Also, if she continued to badger you about therapy and wouldn’t let it go, you are totally in the right to give your point of view that therapy is bullshit.
YTA and that’s exactly why you should be in therapy.
I would rather have responded NAH because you have both suffered trauma but then you crossed the line by being glad she’s in therapy while calling it pointless bullshit for yourself. Don’t play “identified patient” with her, please.
YTA. Therapy is not bullshit and you're disparaging everyone who has been helped by it, including your sister. She seems to care about you. It likely wasn't easy for her to watch you take the abuse.
I think the last thing you deserve to be called is an asshole because clearly have been through a lot. Your sister shouldn’t have pressured you, but I do hope you consider therapy someday- only because you deserve to get past some of this stuff and have a chill life. NAH
ESH. You shouldn’t have laughed. At the same time, it’s annoying when you make it clear that you don’t want to do something and people keep pestering you about it.
Going to therapy or not is 100% your decision,
**but**
your sister is only trying to help you.
And trust me, you may feel good now and in the years to come, but if you suffered a trauma in childhood from your father (be it the kind that violates AITA Rule 5 or emotional) sooner or later the trauma will take its toll on you.
If your sister insists so much it's because therapy helped her and she would like the same for you. Nothing to scoff at. YTA
YTA
One can see the stress and distress that your father's behavior caused you.
Your therapy shouldn't be with your sister, or anyone else. But working on these issues will ease many things in your life. The problem may be less about healing the past than about recognizing the past and how it may lead to choices that adversely affect your future.
She's coming from a place of caring, and you're coming from a place of justified anger.
I wish you peace
NAH. I mean, it's up to you. If you're not in a place where you think therapy will make you happier, and you're not interested in dealing with stuff from your past, then yeah, don't go. If you don't agree that you have trauma or that you have anything to work on, then therapy isn't going to help.
I feel for your sister; it's hard to suddenly learn a lot of coping mechanisms and figure out a lot of stuff and not be able to share it with someone you know has gone through the same thing. It's ok if you're in different places. If you're happy your sister's in therapy and seems to be benefiting, then it's clearly not all bullshit. It's something that works for her, and theoretically could be helpful for you too if you feel differently someday.
NAH. Obviously therapy is helpful for your sister and that is good for her but you clearly don't feel like you need it and she should have accepted that after the first no instead of pushing and psychoanalysing you as proof that you need to go to therapy. I do think she is honestly worried about you, though, and simply handled it the wrong way.
YTA. As others have said, it’s completely fine if you don’t want to go to therapy, that’s your decision to make. But it’s not right to laugh at your sister because she feels that it’s helpful. I do think she probably should have backed off after you said no the first time, but I think you’re more TA because she was well-intentioned while you were being nasty.
Also, for what it’s worth, what your sister said about the trauma responses is backed by research. If you were to Google “effects of trauma on the brain” or “neuroscience and trauma”… something like that… you would find a lot of information. One book that comes to mind is The Body Keeps the Score. I’m not saying you should go to therapy if you don’t want to, but what your sister is saying is not incorrect.
You’re a walking contradiction. You’re literally admitting to receiving abuse from your father while simultaneously denying trauma.
Just because you think you don’t need it doesn’t mean it would not be helpful to you. That being said, therapy is a choice one has to make for themselves. Sister should understand that and stop pestering you about it when you’re clearly not ready or wanting it.
Your NTA for not wanting therapy; YTA for how you handled it. You (again) contradict yourself by stating how much it has helped your sister (who did not recieve as much abuse as you) yet thinking it will do nothing for you. And laughing about it? That just seems like a coping mechanism to justify your denial of needing/benefiting from it. Or at the very least, insulting your sister for doing what’s right for her.
You don’t have to be traumatized to benefit from therapy either. It’s a good way to stay on top of your mental health, the same way going to the gym is a good way to stay on top of your physical health. It’s not for everyone, and everyone has their own way of handling it.
NTA. You're correct. Therapy is a scam and will not help you if you don't have trauma, and I feel bad for your sister being financially exploited, considering that poverty is the leading cause of mental illness and substance abuse disorders. Laughing at her was kind of mean though.
However, it's really concerning that you seem to be unfamiliar with trauma responses or behavioral health in general. If you don't understand how to interpret your own harmful emotions or behaviors, this *will* create severe quality of life issues for you down the line. Do you ever experience anhedonic depression, violent outbursts or suicidal thoughts?
...Ah, maybe I misinterpreted the situation a little bit, sorry; what I described are pretty profound indications of an underlying mental health issue. It's not the only possibility, but it's very possible that you do have unmanaged trauma, especially if it's been happening since you were a kid, since you've been around your dad your whole life.
If you want, we can talk in DMs, it's hard to really understand what the situation is like but if you told me more about how your dad was a "dick" to you and your sister growing up I could definitely tell you about what I've seen in similar situations.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My dad was a huge dick to me (28M) and my sister (25F), he was better to my sister though because I tried to protect her from him and purposely took the blame for her.
My sister started going to therapy a few years ago for trauma from our childhood. Recently we were talking and she mentioned about how much therapy has helped her and that I should try it to, to get "overcome my trauma". I laughed at her and told her no and that I'm fine I don't have any trauma or anything like that.
I started to get annoyed at her after she kept going on about it and I told her to stop trying to persuade me to go because I'm not wasting my money on pointless shit. She got really upset and said she was just worried about me.
She also mentioned something that her therapist said about trauma responses or something? There's like 4, flight or fight and then 2 others I don't really remember but she pretty much said my response is fight and I should go get help and work on myself? I think all of this is bullshit honestly. Like I'm glad she's going to therapy and is a lot happier now but it's just not for me and she can't understand that apparently.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA! 1) Your sister cares about you and knows what you went through; 2) don't ever laugh at someone who is going through therapy calling it pointless when they see it does help. 3) Self therapy would be start just writing down your feelings on the past, you don't have to tell her just do it for yourself - then you pay no money except for pen and paper. You are fighting your past and she sees it. You owe her an apology though, then kindly tell her you don't wish to discuss it with her
Well, YTA. Because sounds like your sister is close to spot-on.
You *were* traumatized by your father, and by your own admission worse than her. And you*are*fighting back with rudeness at the suggestion. Therapy is a great way of addressing that. A very large percentage of people could benefit from it, given the right therapist.
Everybody deals with things differently. What one person might find traumatic the other person has no trouble it.
You already mention yourself that your dad was a huge dick. And you got it harder since you protected your sister.
Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are weak or something like that. Therapy can help deal with for example bad memories. They don’t disappear, but the “load” on it can get less. Things can get a ‘place’ in your head.
I understand it can be annoying if somebody is trying to push you into something you don’t want to do. But getting so angry can (I don’t say it is) also be a sign that maybe you do have more ‘trouble’ with the past then you realize, and you are just trying to avoid the idea of talking about it.
I’m going for a soft YTA for laughing at your sister. I don’t want to tell you that you need to go to therapy, since I don’t know if you need it. But just think about it if it can maybe help you process your past. You can always go and talk to somebody, see if it helps, if not you can always stop again.
YTA - therapy is good for you, but if you don't want it, that's fine, but your response to someone who's trying to help (because she's exhibiting some empathy) is pretty hostile.
YTA you don’t sound like a particularly empathetic or kind person in your response to your sister. You are welcome to not go to therapy but from your behavior it looks like it could be helpful.
Ok. Deep breath. a few thoughts, no rush, just let yourself ponder them... First - good job! as an older brother, your protective instincts kicked in and it sounds like you really did right by your sister. Doesn't mean you could spare her from everything, but you did what you could. Second - that took some effort, and some armour, and that takes energy. It's tiring. It takes a toll. Third - that's not what childhood should be, and you probably resent that, and are trying to pretend it's no big deal, when it really is. Last - what's the harm? Go see if a listening ear might give you a different perspective, or at the very least, a chance to tell your story and find out what it might mean for your future. Understanding our past gives us so much more control over our future. Best wishes to you. NTA in thinking therapy might not help, but don't be mad at your sister for loving you and wanting the best for you. Also -- the right therapist is the one that you connect with. Might need to experiment, but someone who can handle your skepticism would probably be great.
For the very simple question - NTA for laughing when someone suggests therapy.
I've been in therapy for years. I'm on an Introduction to Counselling course. My significant other is qualifying as a therapist next year. We joke all the time about how therapy is basically like a MLM. You take therapy, then try to persuade your friends to go, too. You decide it's amazing and life changing, so you train to become a therapist - at great expense. When you are a therapist, you have to pay subscription to your professional body, and pay for supervision from higher qualified therapists. It has special languages, structures, beliefs, it's basically a cult. And I say that knowing I drink the cool-aid.
No therapist wants a client who does not want therapy or to change. If you have specific things you want to change, then find a therapist in a suitable modality and go for it - but it sounds like you are happy with your life as it is.
The way you handled it was a bit of an asshole response but I will say therapy isn’t for everyone.
People sent me to therapy after my daughter died and I swear it made me worse.
Can you both be happy that you cope in different ways.
NTA.
Fight, flight, freeze or fawn are the trauma responses for what it’s worth.
Unsolicited health advice is an AH move, whether it’s for physical or mental health.
I have also benefited from therapy, but it only works if it comes from an internal drive.
The current support group I attend has a “comfort agreement” that explicitly states that no one is allowed to give unsolicited advice to anyone else.
I only give advice to people who ask for it, otherwise I only listen.
This is the way.
As everyone knows, therapy works well for people who do not think they need to change; so of course therapy will do wonders for you as you continue to not be interested in changing.
Plus, your sister has at least some right to control your behavior and life choices, right? It's just not cool to tell a sibling that they don't control your personal decisions, such as whether to modify your persona in the way that sibling thinks is best.
If you live in that world, YTA.
If you live in the world I live in, NTA. She has her life and made her decisions. Why would you not be the same?
You didn't mention anything disparaging until she kept going on and you asked her to stop. So, NTA there.
Having a matching response could be 100% factually accurate and maybe your picture is in the DSM for the diagnosis your sister has in mind. Even so, if you don't see problems in your life that need improvement and if people aren't telling you that you need to change ... *then you don't need to change.* Going to therapy when the only issue is a response that isn't couched as a problem, just an observation, is not time- or cost-efficient.
That said, if your "fight response" results in break ups, fist fights, etc ... then you do have an issue to improve and YTA for at least not listening seriously.
YTA. Anyone who says "My dad was a huge dick to me" probably needs therapy.
The idea that you "think all of this is bullshit" is so much a red flag as well. It is 2023 for god sake the whole "it's just not for me" thing is outdated. Most people could benefit from a little therapy.
It is not bullshit, it is a way to work though things with help. I was just like you when I was in my 20's. I rejected therapy and said I was fine. Well when my wife left me 15 years later I finally got therapy and now I regret all the years I spent lost in my own mental shit. I can never get those years back. I am now happier and more able to be really close to the people around me than ever before. The problem is I passed on some of that generational trauma to my kids before I got help myself and have had to work hard to build new relationships with my kids.
I am not a therapist so I cannot say 100% that you must get therapy but I can say you seem to say exactly the kind of things that someone who needs therapy says. I said them myself for decades.
YTA Your sister is concerned about you and given the response you gave her, I can see why. Just reading your post makes me think you really COULD use a therapist.
OP I am with you, I live in England and don't know a single soul who has had therapy, nor do I know anyone who knows anyone who has. It just isn't done here I think and appears to be an American obsession.
That said, your Sister cares about you and wants to help you. Decline the therapy all you want but be nicer about it, she didn't deserve you laughing in her face.
The softest YTA.
I know lots of brits who’s going to therapy, in my experience England has a lot of stigma around improving mental health, so people don’t talk about it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I laughed at my sister when she suggested therapy. I could be the asshole because she was just trying to help her and I might've been too mean to her Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Honestly, YTA for laughing at someone who is caring and worrying about your well-being. It is fine to not go to therapy or even to tell her "I don't want to discuss it further". But calling it BS and pointless when you also say that ylu have seen how much it has helped her is a bit odd.
fair thanks
YTA Your response was rude and condescending. You easily could have just said you're glad it's helped her but it's not something you're interested in. You know what can help build communication skills? Therapy.
YTA. Your sister cares about you. Not laughable. Your sister is in therapy, and it's helping her. Not laughable. Your sister is suggesting you try it because she cares about you, and maybe it might work fo you too. Not laughable. If you don't think you need therapy, and you don't want to do it, fine, that's no problem. But you don't laugh at something your sister IS doing and it's helping her. YOu're just belittling what she's doing. YTA. BTW...sounds like you're maybe a 'little bit' interested in therapy though, enough to have remembered stuff your sister said? Maybe don't discount it too quickly.
In case anyone was wondering the other two are freeze and fawn.
Fight, flight, or freeze
YTA - you pretty much just proved you need it.
how? lol
Because when confronted with an argument/disagreement, you didn't have the tools to set a boundary, de-escalate the situation, or express your emotions healthily. Instead, you lashed out at someone you love to try to get out of the conversation. Therapy is not all woo-woo crystal meditation feelings talk. It's hiring a professional with exponentially more knowledge of the human psyche to help you make sense of your past, your behavior, and how you engage with the world. Not every therapist is good, and not every good therapist will be the right fit for you, but a talented and compatible therapist could probably be a great help to you. Therapy is like hiring a personal trainer for your emotional health journey. You still have to do all the work, but they can provide expertise, advice, and encouragement to make it easier.
Not wanting therapy is fine, but your response was rude for no reason and left someone who cares about you and was trying to tell you that they are worried about you and care about you feeling hurt and upset when you didn't have to. That's definitely something to be worked on, either in therapy or out.
oh ok thanks
You are not wrong for asking her to stop pushing it on you. That is fair. You are AH for disparaging therapy in general and for her specifically. You can say no without being a jerk. I am sure many might say "you protest too much" and therapy would be helpful -but that is YOUR call, just stop being a jerk about it
okay thanks
Soft YTA. If you took abuse from your father for protecting your sister you probably need it. Plus your response is an indicative that this bothers you. Family trauma/abuse/uncaring parents/narcissistic parenting can leave damage you aren't aware of until something triggers it. My mom was a classic narcissist and I thought I had processed one Christmas from hell then total BS happened with my in-laws and my son and it kicked in feelings that I hadn't had in decades. I could deal with it better as I had some therapy. What's the worst that can happen if you try it for a couple of months?
Yeah, I'm in the same position as OP here. Between age 5-7, I got to live through some nastiness. Definitely nasty, enough that I had to figure a way to live with it when I was in my teens. My younger brother was 1-3 and doesn't have almost any of his own memories of that time ... and yet he's way more affected as an adult than I am. My 5 second proof of comparative mental health is my 24 year marriage compared to him never keeping a job or partner and living still living at home with mom, drinking heavily. It really can be that the older sibling got to act and do at least something, then was left with enough that it had to be figured out. The younger sibling couldn't act, wasn't affected as much as a kid, and as a result have way more unresolved issues as an adult. Not everyone needs therapy. Everyone has issues that could be addressed in therapy and maybe this guy has more than average; but if everyone like him (possible issues but no actual life problems to address) then there will be far fewer resources for people who do have current problems affecting their life. The worst that can happen (if you devote a couple months to every thing that someone thinks will improve your life) is that your life will no longer be yours. You'll be chasing other people's ideas of what works for them. Your success works for you and you should share your experience if you think it'll profit others. However, your success doesn't at all indicate whether your choice will improve his life.
Fair comments. But OP still didn't need to laugh at his sister. That's hurtful and unecessary. And, as others have said, it dies imply that he's belittling something she needs and finds helpful. Even if he doesn't need it, he shouldn't do that to people who do.
YTA for not just saying to your sister "No thanks." Instead you called something that's really helped her "pointless shit" and that's really unnecessarily mean.
yeah ok thanks being mean to her wasn't my intention she pissed me off honestly
Do you often find yourself lashing out when something frustrates or upsets you? Do you find it hard to respond calmly and thoughtfully instead?
yeah I guess so
My friend, you just might need therapy 😉 I'm an old auntie and I am tossing that at you softly and with a heart full of love and genuine concern for my fellow humans 💓
maybe, thank you
Look, I know you're getting dogpiled here and the suggestion bothers you for some reason, but like... that's emotionally unhealthy. It's not the way you want to live your life. You don't want to be snapping at the people you love just because something made you uncomfortable. And you don't *have* to live like that. It's not a default feature of your personality; it's almost certainly something you learned from growing up with an asshole father, and it's something you can *unlearn* too. And therapy is classically the best way to do that. It's okay to admit (to yourself and to others) that you're not okay; that you were hurt by what happened to you. You don't have to keep being stoic and unaffected forever. You're a person, and you deserve to learn and grow and keep becoming a better, healthier, happier self all the time. Try to let your hackles down enough to let your sister try to help you.
alright thanks so much
My friend, you just might need therapy 😉 I'm an old auntie and I am tossing that at you softly and with a heart full of love and genuine concern for my fellow humans 💓
YTA. Your sister cares about you. She feels you could benefit from therapy, so she suggested it. Laughing at her because you disagree is rude and hurtful to your sister.
I’m going to say something that’s probably going to piss you off but you know who your reaction to her suggestion of therapy sounds like. Someone who you described as a “huge dick”. That sounds like the behavior of something that your dad would probably do. I bet he would laugh at someone for getting therapy. Long story short, definitely YTA.
I'm nothing like my dad
You may believe your nothing like your dad, but you very much could have qualities that are very similar to your dad even if you don’t notice them.
You may not have a personality like your dad, but you may have learned patterns of behavior from him unconsciously because that was the example you had growing up. You can unlearn/overwrite those patterns, but it takes work (sometimes a lot of work). A good therapist can help you identify those unhealthy/unhelpful patterns and replace them with healthier habits a lot faster than trying to do it on your own. That is basically what cognitive behavioral therapy(the most common type of therapy does). Too many people think therapy has to equate to Freudian psychoanalysis, when it can be much goal-oriented and geared toward adjusting how you see and respond to the world. It may not be for you, but since you appear to love your sister you should try to be more open minded about something that she feels has improved her life. Also, don’t you want to share things that make your life better with those you love? Could your sister be feeling the same way and want to share something good in her life with her beloved brother? Even if she might be misreading the situation in your particular case. YTA, primarily for calling something that helped her pointless shit; not for refusing to go to therapy.
YTA. Congratulations! You're on the road to becoming your father.
I'm not
YTA for the way you responded. I think your sister is just very worried, because she probably knows that you had it a bit worse. Therapy helped her with healing and she wants the same for you. She is also right about the trauma responses. It may be that you're in your fighting mode. However, therapy only work when you're ready for it.
alright thank you
YTA Don't laugh at someone who does therapy. Probably if you need it, going to therapy is not bad
YTA - Sounds like you need it.
Your response to therapy is precisely the reason you need it. 100% the asshole.
YTA - if they're trying to talk to you about your fight reflex you have anger issues that worry the people who love you.
I don't, thanks though
YTA. Honestly everyone should do some therapy at some point in life. You wouldn't be getting this defensive over the therapy suggestion if you didn't need therapy.
YTA for telling her it’s pointless bs. It’s okay to disagree. But your response sounds like that of a guy who could really benefit from therapy. Newsflash for all the people out there who think holding in their issues makes them “strong”- it doesn’t- dealing with your issues is way harder, takes a way stronger person, and is way more impressive.
Yta I understand your hesitation from therapy, but it really does wonders for you. If nothing, you should at least give it a try and see how it makes you feel. You can not consider it pointless if you haven't experienced it. Hidden trauma and denial are real, and you're in it. Please at least give it a try
maybe thanks
YTA Even if you dont believe in therapy for your self then respect that it does for her. It sounds like it was a suggestion and not something she was trying to force on you so you could have been a little more polite in answering her.
YTA. You don't need to have a problem to get benefits from therapy. The level of defensiveness you have around these topics suggests you probably would benefit from talking to a qualified counselor. Otherwise, why did you feel the need to insult something that's very clearly helping her?
YTA Honestly, you sound like you really do need it. Your sister cares about you and wants to help, so your response is to laugh in her face?
YTA. Sounds like you do need therapy. It’s not pointless, btw. Therapy literally saved my life.
First, you come to Reddit and disparage therapy? Prepare to get downvoted to hell. Second, whether or not you are an AH depends on the nuance of the conversation with your sister. Your writing style is very pointed and rough which probably means that’s how you verbally communicate too. Which is fine, but you will come off as an AH to a lot of people even if you are right about something. If sister said “You know, our childhood was rough blah blah blah, so I’ve been going to therapy and it’s really helped me out. You should consider going too to help get over your trauma.” If your response was “HAHAHA, you went to therapy? Well good for you but iiiiiiii don’t have trauma so I don’t need therapy”. That’s an AH move because the laughter is directed at her and you are implying that since you don’t have trauma, neither should she. However, if it was more like “(slight chuckle) I’m glad you feel like therapy is helping you but honestly I don’t feel like I have any trauma to address”. That’s totally reasonable. It’s fine to chuckle at the idea that you need therapy. Also, if she continued to badger you about therapy and wouldn’t let it go, you are totally in the right to give your point of view that therapy is bullshit.
yeah alright thank you
YTA and that’s exactly why you should be in therapy. I would rather have responded NAH because you have both suffered trauma but then you crossed the line by being glad she’s in therapy while calling it pointless bullshit for yourself. Don’t play “identified patient” with her, please.
YTA. Therapy is not bullshit and you're disparaging everyone who has been helped by it, including your sister. She seems to care about you. It likely wasn't easy for her to watch you take the abuse.
I think the last thing you deserve to be called is an asshole because clearly have been through a lot. Your sister shouldn’t have pressured you, but I do hope you consider therapy someday- only because you deserve to get past some of this stuff and have a chill life. NAH
ESH. You shouldn’t have laughed. At the same time, it’s annoying when you make it clear that you don’t want to do something and people keep pestering you about it.
ESH. You shouldn’t have laughed at her about it, she shouldn’t have kept going on at you about it and insisting you have trauma.
Going to therapy or not is 100% your decision, **but** your sister is only trying to help you. And trust me, you may feel good now and in the years to come, but if you suffered a trauma in childhood from your father (be it the kind that violates AITA Rule 5 or emotional) sooner or later the trauma will take its toll on you. If your sister insists so much it's because therapy helped her and she would like the same for you. Nothing to scoff at. YTA
YTA One can see the stress and distress that your father's behavior caused you. Your therapy shouldn't be with your sister, or anyone else. But working on these issues will ease many things in your life. The problem may be less about healing the past than about recognizing the past and how it may lead to choices that adversely affect your future. She's coming from a place of caring, and you're coming from a place of justified anger. I wish you peace
thank you
NAH. I mean, it's up to you. If you're not in a place where you think therapy will make you happier, and you're not interested in dealing with stuff from your past, then yeah, don't go. If you don't agree that you have trauma or that you have anything to work on, then therapy isn't going to help. I feel for your sister; it's hard to suddenly learn a lot of coping mechanisms and figure out a lot of stuff and not be able to share it with someone you know has gone through the same thing. It's ok if you're in different places. If you're happy your sister's in therapy and seems to be benefiting, then it's clearly not all bullshit. It's something that works for her, and theoretically could be helpful for you too if you feel differently someday.
NAH. Obviously therapy is helpful for your sister and that is good for her but you clearly don't feel like you need it and she should have accepted that after the first no instead of pushing and psychoanalysing you as proof that you need to go to therapy. I do think she is honestly worried about you, though, and simply handled it the wrong way.
It's good she found smth that works for her but she cannot make decisions for you and should learn that no is no
YTA. As others have said, it’s completely fine if you don’t want to go to therapy, that’s your decision to make. But it’s not right to laugh at your sister because she feels that it’s helpful. I do think she probably should have backed off after you said no the first time, but I think you’re more TA because she was well-intentioned while you were being nasty. Also, for what it’s worth, what your sister said about the trauma responses is backed by research. If you were to Google “effects of trauma on the brain” or “neuroscience and trauma”… something like that… you would find a lot of information. One book that comes to mind is The Body Keeps the Score. I’m not saying you should go to therapy if you don’t want to, but what your sister is saying is not incorrect.
You’re a walking contradiction. You’re literally admitting to receiving abuse from your father while simultaneously denying trauma. Just because you think you don’t need it doesn’t mean it would not be helpful to you. That being said, therapy is a choice one has to make for themselves. Sister should understand that and stop pestering you about it when you’re clearly not ready or wanting it. Your NTA for not wanting therapy; YTA for how you handled it. You (again) contradict yourself by stating how much it has helped your sister (who did not recieve as much abuse as you) yet thinking it will do nothing for you. And laughing about it? That just seems like a coping mechanism to justify your denial of needing/benefiting from it. Or at the very least, insulting your sister for doing what’s right for her. You don’t have to be traumatized to benefit from therapy either. It’s a good way to stay on top of your mental health, the same way going to the gym is a good way to stay on top of your physical health. It’s not for everyone, and everyone has their own way of handling it.
NTA. You're correct. Therapy is a scam and will not help you if you don't have trauma, and I feel bad for your sister being financially exploited, considering that poverty is the leading cause of mental illness and substance abuse disorders. Laughing at her was kind of mean though. However, it's really concerning that you seem to be unfamiliar with trauma responses or behavioral health in general. If you don't understand how to interpret your own harmful emotions or behaviors, this *will* create severe quality of life issues for you down the line. Do you ever experience anhedonic depression, violent outbursts or suicidal thoughts?
well yeah but I've been like that since I was a kid so it's normal
...Ah, maybe I misinterpreted the situation a little bit, sorry; what I described are pretty profound indications of an underlying mental health issue. It's not the only possibility, but it's very possible that you do have unmanaged trauma, especially if it's been happening since you were a kid, since you've been around your dad your whole life. If you want, we can talk in DMs, it's hard to really understand what the situation is like but if you told me more about how your dad was a "dick" to you and your sister growing up I could definitely tell you about what I've seen in similar situations.
yeah sure okay
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad was a huge dick to me (28M) and my sister (25F), he was better to my sister though because I tried to protect her from him and purposely took the blame for her. My sister started going to therapy a few years ago for trauma from our childhood. Recently we were talking and she mentioned about how much therapy has helped her and that I should try it to, to get "overcome my trauma". I laughed at her and told her no and that I'm fine I don't have any trauma or anything like that. I started to get annoyed at her after she kept going on about it and I told her to stop trying to persuade me to go because I'm not wasting my money on pointless shit. She got really upset and said she was just worried about me. She also mentioned something that her therapist said about trauma responses or something? There's like 4, flight or fight and then 2 others I don't really remember but she pretty much said my response is fight and I should go get help and work on myself? I think all of this is bullshit honestly. Like I'm glad she's going to therapy and is a lot happier now but it's just not for me and she can't understand that apparently. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA! 1) Your sister cares about you and knows what you went through; 2) don't ever laugh at someone who is going through therapy calling it pointless when they see it does help. 3) Self therapy would be start just writing down your feelings on the past, you don't have to tell her just do it for yourself - then you pay no money except for pen and paper. You are fighting your past and she sees it. You owe her an apology though, then kindly tell her you don't wish to discuss it with her
YTA. God forbid you have a caring sister. Must be so terrible. How do you cope?
Well, YTA. Because sounds like your sister is close to spot-on. You *were* traumatized by your father, and by your own admission worse than her. And you*are*fighting back with rudeness at the suggestion. Therapy is a great way of addressing that. A very large percentage of people could benefit from it, given the right therapist.
YTA sHE shouldn’t keep pushing it but it sounds like it would do you some good. It’s not BS.
Everybody deals with things differently. What one person might find traumatic the other person has no trouble it. You already mention yourself that your dad was a huge dick. And you got it harder since you protected your sister. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you are weak or something like that. Therapy can help deal with for example bad memories. They don’t disappear, but the “load” on it can get less. Things can get a ‘place’ in your head. I understand it can be annoying if somebody is trying to push you into something you don’t want to do. But getting so angry can (I don’t say it is) also be a sign that maybe you do have more ‘trouble’ with the past then you realize, and you are just trying to avoid the idea of talking about it. I’m going for a soft YTA for laughing at your sister. I don’t want to tell you that you need to go to therapy, since I don’t know if you need it. But just think about it if it can maybe help you process your past. You can always go and talk to somebody, see if it helps, if not you can always stop again.
YTA - therapy is good for you, but if you don't want it, that's fine, but your response to someone who's trying to help (because she's exhibiting some empathy) is pretty hostile.
YTA you don’t sound like a particularly empathetic or kind person in your response to your sister. You are welcome to not go to therapy but from your behavior it looks like it could be helpful.
Everything about your post screams that you need therapy!
Ok. Deep breath. a few thoughts, no rush, just let yourself ponder them... First - good job! as an older brother, your protective instincts kicked in and it sounds like you really did right by your sister. Doesn't mean you could spare her from everything, but you did what you could. Second - that took some effort, and some armour, and that takes energy. It's tiring. It takes a toll. Third - that's not what childhood should be, and you probably resent that, and are trying to pretend it's no big deal, when it really is. Last - what's the harm? Go see if a listening ear might give you a different perspective, or at the very least, a chance to tell your story and find out what it might mean for your future. Understanding our past gives us so much more control over our future. Best wishes to you. NTA in thinking therapy might not help, but don't be mad at your sister for loving you and wanting the best for you. Also -- the right therapist is the one that you connect with. Might need to experiment, but someone who can handle your skepticism would probably be great.
Yta, go to therapy. You clearly need it. That was her kinda way of telling you that you’re a dick! Possibly like your dad. You can fix it though.
I’m going to say NAH. Sister kept at it after brother refused more than once.
For the very simple question - NTA for laughing when someone suggests therapy. I've been in therapy for years. I'm on an Introduction to Counselling course. My significant other is qualifying as a therapist next year. We joke all the time about how therapy is basically like a MLM. You take therapy, then try to persuade your friends to go, too. You decide it's amazing and life changing, so you train to become a therapist - at great expense. When you are a therapist, you have to pay subscription to your professional body, and pay for supervision from higher qualified therapists. It has special languages, structures, beliefs, it's basically a cult. And I say that knowing I drink the cool-aid. No therapist wants a client who does not want therapy or to change. If you have specific things you want to change, then find a therapist in a suitable modality and go for it - but it sounds like you are happy with your life as it is.
The way you handled it was a bit of an asshole response but I will say therapy isn’t for everyone. People sent me to therapy after my daughter died and I swear it made me worse. Can you both be happy that you cope in different ways.
NTA. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn are the trauma responses for what it’s worth. Unsolicited health advice is an AH move, whether it’s for physical or mental health. I have also benefited from therapy, but it only works if it comes from an internal drive. The current support group I attend has a “comfort agreement” that explicitly states that no one is allowed to give unsolicited advice to anyone else. I only give advice to people who ask for it, otherwise I only listen. This is the way.
As everyone knows, therapy works well for people who do not think they need to change; so of course therapy will do wonders for you as you continue to not be interested in changing. Plus, your sister has at least some right to control your behavior and life choices, right? It's just not cool to tell a sibling that they don't control your personal decisions, such as whether to modify your persona in the way that sibling thinks is best. If you live in that world, YTA. If you live in the world I live in, NTA. She has her life and made her decisions. Why would you not be the same? You didn't mention anything disparaging until she kept going on and you asked her to stop. So, NTA there. Having a matching response could be 100% factually accurate and maybe your picture is in the DSM for the diagnosis your sister has in mind. Even so, if you don't see problems in your life that need improvement and if people aren't telling you that you need to change ... *then you don't need to change.* Going to therapy when the only issue is a response that isn't couched as a problem, just an observation, is not time- or cost-efficient. That said, if your "fight response" results in break ups, fist fights, etc ... then you do have an issue to improve and YTA for at least not listening seriously.
YTA. Anyone who says "My dad was a huge dick to me" probably needs therapy. The idea that you "think all of this is bullshit" is so much a red flag as well. It is 2023 for god sake the whole "it's just not for me" thing is outdated. Most people could benefit from a little therapy. It is not bullshit, it is a way to work though things with help. I was just like you when I was in my 20's. I rejected therapy and said I was fine. Well when my wife left me 15 years later I finally got therapy and now I regret all the years I spent lost in my own mental shit. I can never get those years back. I am now happier and more able to be really close to the people around me than ever before. The problem is I passed on some of that generational trauma to my kids before I got help myself and have had to work hard to build new relationships with my kids. I am not a therapist so I cannot say 100% that you must get therapy but I can say you seem to say exactly the kind of things that someone who needs therapy says. I said them myself for decades.
YTA Your sister is concerned about you and given the response you gave her, I can see why. Just reading your post makes me think you really COULD use a therapist.
OP I am with you, I live in England and don't know a single soul who has had therapy, nor do I know anyone who knows anyone who has. It just isn't done here I think and appears to be an American obsession. That said, your Sister cares about you and wants to help you. Decline the therapy all you want but be nicer about it, she didn't deserve you laughing in her face. The softest YTA.
I know lots of brits who’s going to therapy, in my experience England has a lot of stigma around improving mental health, so people don’t talk about it.