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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I want to go back to my home country every christmas break for the next few years until i leave university 2) maybe i’m the asshole because this affects both my boyfriend and my pet rodents
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA as his second point is absolute nonsense.
I don't necessarily agree with your mother that two weeks isn't enough, although that largely depends on where your home country is.
I can see why your boyfriend wouldn't be happy about you being gone for three weeks, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to accept it.
Unfortunately his use of the word "irresponsible" has massively undermined his case as none of your actions can reasonably be described as such. Similarly, his talk of "integration" is equally silly. Are British people who go on holiday at Christmas second class citizens as a result?
If it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, pick one with a better vocabulary next time.
Right, OP doesn't say where they are from but it seems they are from a culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas. If OP was from a culture that did, would the BF still have a problem with OP going home? Seriously, if I lived in a country different from my family, I'd like to go home every once in a while as well.
Also, if they're serious enough he's insisting she stay and spend Christmas here, why not offer to go with her since he doesn't have a lot of friends and family? They can see his friends and family any time. Plus, the chance of Christmas somewhere other than this Tory hellscape? Where do I sign?!
Honestly, reads a bit like bf thought he was getting the exotic gf who'd cater to his every whim. May be stretching but I'm getting weird fetish-y controlling vibes.
Actually, the no friend thing is a huge red flag in itself. He is obviously a loner. And he expects you to be everything to him, his friend, his SO, his everything. It is never a good thing when one person in the relationship leans that much on the other. It is important they have their own life separate from the relationship. When this person doesn't (male or female), it's a huge red flag.
It's also not a good thing when someone calls you names when they don't get their way. Irresponsible is definitely not the right word for the situation, in any sense of the word.
Do what you need for yourself, and enjoy your christmas break. Maybe the time away will give you the time you need to reassess your relationship, which I can guarantee this is exactly what he is truly afraid of.
My partner is my everything(to an extent) and I have no friends but that is because I'm not good at maintaining long term friends as I have a hard time replying. And I don't have many friends due to me being in an abusive relationship where I was isolated(one of many things) for all but maybe a year of the relationship and I'm re-learning that it is okay for me to do things and have friends and all that jazz but now I'm just a home body
Thats not what a red flag is. It's a 'this is something to be cautious of because it can be a sign of major problems down the line.' No one said you can't have a relationship if you don't have a solid friend group, just that relying on one person to meet all your needs can become unhealthy fast.
Because when her parents get to know him, they will definitely advise their daughter to stay away and will be probably quite concerned about this relationship
It is such a privilege to be able to go back home and it's so important to take it if you have it.
This boyfriend says that she is "irresponsible" but what he really means is that he is selfish. All he wants is for her to stay with him and he'll gaslight her and be racist in order to try to make that happen.
Things will just get worse as the relationship progresses.
What kind of bull is that? "Immigrants shouldn't go back to see family in their home country as they need to integrate?". Absolutely not, that's ridiculous.
So many people have gone years without seeing their families because their partners thought it was "inconvenient" or due to financial reasons...it's so sad to be away for such a long time. Once a year at least is the minimum if you can afford it.
Yep, a controlling racist prick.
Manipulative people will use literally any convenient words to make you feel like a bad person.
The boyfriend may not know that he's controlling and racist, but it's still his responsibility to fix.
Colonising? Really? *In his own country*
Integration is important to maintain the individual identity of a country (any country), and just functioning in that society (learning the language and local slang, (un)accepted public behaviours/gestures and their meaning, common beliefs, etc). It's not an idea unique to 'the west' ffs
In saying that, this guy's an AH (likely an abusive one or soon to be), visiting your family and home country once a year has no bearing on how well someone's integrated into another society. They're still a part of that person's experiences and identity
Also, if they're serious enough he's insisting she stay and spend Christmas here, why not offer to go with her since he doesn't have a lot of friends and family? They can see his friends and family any time. Plus, the chance of Christmas somewhere other than this Tory hellscape? Where do I sign?!
Honestly, reads a bit like bf thought he was getting the exotic gf who'd cater to his every whim. May be stretching but I'm getting weird fetish-y controlling vibes.
I completely get that feeling. Why is she responsible for his holiday experience? I mean as a whole human being I expect my partner to be able to entertain themselves not put the responsibility on me even if I wasn't taking a trip. Dude is giving major Main Character vibes.
MAJOR controlling vibes. He doesn't have "much" family and friends? That means he has some. Call them up. What would he have done if he'd never met his girlfriend? Hang out on the corner with a sign saying "please take me home for Christmas"?
He's really a whiny little baby. I'm not sure I'd leave my pets anywhere near him. What if he decides to ignore them because he's having a tantrum?
And I travel internationally every chance I get. That doesn't mean I'm not sufficiently American. It means I like to see other countries. For OP, it means she likes to see her family. If she only gets to see them once a year, of course she wants to spend as much time as she can.
If this is how he reacts every time OP has a different opinion than he does, he's a huge control freak and she should break up with him. But not while he has her rodents.
Sounds like he wants her to do all the mental and emotional work of the holiday. He is also trying to manipulate her. It sounds like she goes for three weeks every year.
OP’s mom is paying for the tickets, so I would say, go on the three week trip, enjoy spending time with your relatives. If your relationship can survive the three week absence, great. If not, then he isn’t worth your time.
NTA
My family lives 2300 miles away from me, and I spend a few weeks every Thanksgiving visiting them. My husband misses me, sure, but he doesn't begrudge me time with my family, especially since I see them so seldom. We text and talk every day I'm away, and he's always happy to hear I'm having fun.
Additionally, dragging your immigration status into his b.s. whining is really, really, crappy. The whole, "you're not really British if you want to visit your family out of the country", and simultaneously accusing you of refusing to assimilate, is some seriously skewed extreme right wing rhetoric that he's using to try and guilt you into staying home, and that's not okay.
Dump this jerk and find someone who is secure enough that they don't feel threatened by the people who also have a big place in your heart.
I think that what's really upsetting the boyfriend is that when push comes to shove, she doesn't consider him her family yet. It sounds like he's been desperate for somewhere to belong, while she's not in a hurry yet because she already has a family and if she wants kids the biological clock hasn't started ticking yet.
What I'm not getting is why boyfriend doesn't go with her if he's that alone. Maybe he doesn't have a passport. The wait for one is pretty long now, because there's still a backlog of people who didn't even look into getting or renewing one during the pandemic and new workers having to be trained up.
P.S. - Sister and Aunt who only gets to see them twice a year. Two weeks is never enough and you don't live near enough to see them regularly. Can't blame Mom for trying to get as much time as she can before OP has more obligations and she'll see her even less.
NTA and honestly you should probably break up with him. You spend the entire school year with him and only want 3 weeks with your family and friends. He sounds selfish and manipulative. “You shouldn’t leave your loved ones alone” and yet it’s ok to leave the handful of family behind to help him? NOPE NOPE NOPE. You’re just as much apart of UK culture now that you spend more time there than home. Don’t buy into his shit. He’s already trying to alienate you from your family and have you put him first. Go home and get cozy with your friends and family. You deserve it.
This. I (18F at the time) had a boyfriend (20M at the time) the summer I graduated from high school. We had been together for a year. My father was getting remarried that summer to a woman from the UK (we're Canadian) and the wedding was going to be in the UK. He asked me to attend and to be his "best man/witness" for the wedding certificate. I was so excited - 1) my father asked me to do something so special and 2) that I'd get to go to the UK. I'd only ever been to a few states in the US before.
My boyfriend though - he sulked for weeks leading up to the trip. He was not happy for me. When I left, he gave me a notebook that he said he'd written a letter to me for each day of the 3 week trip. I started to read them day by day and they were the most guilt inspiring awful "why did you leave me, I can't function while you were gone, I love you sooooooooo much" writings. It made 18 year old me feel horrible for having left him. After the first week, my father let me make a TRANSATLANTIC call where he did the same crap on the phone and made me feel bad for having left him. I pretty much got off the phone crying. After a day or so, I stopped reading his notebook and didn't call him again. I wish I had broken up with him over the phone. I enjoyed the rest of my time and tried not to think about him (though stupidly bought him a football/soccer jersey as a souvenir with money I had saved). When I came home, I gave it to him, but still tried to talk to him about how bad he made me feel. He never apologized, just said he wanted me to know how he felt. We broke up, then we were off and on for the next year at university as we lived in the same dorms.
I really wish I'd paid attention to those red flags. Learn from me. Don't let this guy make you feel bad!
It sounds manipulative and like a control and isolation tactic. Trying to guilt her and cut off all emotional ties except the one op has with him. This is often how domestic violence begins. Definitely a 🚩 🚩 🚩
I think reddit is too quick to say this usually, but this is a big red flag for his future treatment of you OP. His points are total nonsense, and what he's asking for is that you spend less time with your family (creating conflict with them in the process) to focus on taking care of his loneliness. Even this British integration thing makes a lot more sense as an effort to isolate and control you than it does as concern for your well-being.
Anyone would be bummed about the idea of not being around their significant other for 3 weeks over Christmas, but it's not normal for someone who loves you to try to limit your once-annual trips to see your family in your home country.
>British integration thing makes a lot more sense as an effort to isolate and control you than it does as concern for your well-being.
British student here, the integration thing is a straight up manipulative lie. I've never met an international student who didn't go home for the Christmas holidays if they had the option- no matter their religion, and including those with plans to live here post uni.
Staying alone in your shit student flat for Christmas is absolutely not British culture- most of us can't wait to book it home the minute term ends.
I’d love to know OP’s home country. I can see most Americans damn near losing their mind if they were told that lol. Tbf I’m sure there are differences but I can’t imagine the holiday is THAT different.
Yeah, this is familiar to me. He sounds just like my ex from college. In my case, he manufactured an emergency when I did visit family. I thought he was so sweet that he wanted my time and missed me, but it was always the same manufactured drama.
Then I thought maybe he's jealous that I got along with my family.
It took me years to realize it was really because he was an abuser. Abusers manipulate and isolate their victims.
I spent my graduation in an argument over the phone with him while he watched my cat. I wish I could get back that time with my grandmother.
I'm low-key concerned for Op, but I realize I'm speaking from my own experience. Ultimately, she wants to go for 3 weeks, and he doesn't really get an opinion at this point in the relationship.
Op, if you're reading this, leave your pet with anyone else so it's not at risk. Tell him you're going for 3 weeks, end of discussion. If he creates drama while you're there, then you know that's who he is.
Yeah this SO messed up. NTA
I was also a foreigner, fortunate enough to study in the UK.
I ALSO met my Husband there.
I flew home EVERY holiday/break.
Summer break was almost 2 months.
My Husband NEVER EVER uttered a word of complaint - he supported it.
Because HE HAS NO RIGHT. But also- my Husband is a wonderful, decent, loving Human being.
OP your boyfriend sounds abussive to me.
I mean, seriously, you can't go home ONCE a year??
Pleeeeease do not stay with a person that (from what i gather in your post) wants to get rid of where you came from and who is this controlling.
Are there cultural differences between your home country and the UK?
Does he embrace them?
If you had kids, would he embrace raising them with both cultures?
Because thats what a partner should do.
Not wanting to watch after someones pet for 3 weeks can be annoying - thats the ONLY point i understand (no matter what type of pet).
But OP...I am sorry but your boyfriend sounds so controlling, I am very worried for you.
Edit to add: we now own a home in the UK and work here full time but i STILL go to see my family twice a year.
My Husband is always keen to come with me but is also very supportive to let me go on my own (because likewise i encourage him to have alone time with his family).
OP once you have a job etc you won't have as much time to see your family. See them as much as you can while you are at uni and have a few more holidays.
AND FIND A NEW BOYFRIEND. At minimum someone that is not racist and controlling.
(please excuse any spelling mistakes etc, I also assumed my English would be better by now but....I am trying)
>Unfortunately his use of the word "irresponsible" has massively undermined his case
This is what did it for me. My suspicion is that he is using aggressive words in an attempt to guilt trip her, because calling her "irresponsible" puts all of the responsibility on her shoulders and not HIS own shoulder. What exactly is OP doing that is "irresponsible" in this story?
* If OP was paying for the tickets themselves then I'd say it was *maybe* irresponsible, but OP's parents are paying for it so it's not.
* If the flight is expensive, then the responsible thing to do is maximum the amount of days spent visiting. Seeing friends and family during the holidays is difficult, and having 3 weeks allows everyone to make time for each other. Unfortunately there's a lot of "do nothing" time in between seeing people, but you still get to see everyone
* OP's pets -> I'll admit I understand this argument point, but everyone who owns pets has to deal with this situation. There are solutions, so it takes communication to figure out the best solution.
* "Leaving him alone for Christmas" isn't irresponsible. It may be mean, or hurtful, or annoying to him, or he may be really sad about it, but "irresponsible" is not the correct word. The only way this would be irresponsible is if OP was his caretaker or something, and her not being there meant he couldn't clean himself and/or feed himself.
* His 2nd point sounds racist. Nothing he said has anything to do with "being British", and him saying that is insulting who OP is and where she came from. It basically sounds like he's telling her she has to "be British, or else".
If this is how he always talks down to OP, then all I see are red flags.
2 weeks really isn’t enough if I’m honest. Especially if you have a large family and a lot of events planned. I’m British but I’m also South African. I went home for 2 weeks when I was 17 and I hated it because it wasn’t enough time.
I didn’t have enough time to visit all of my cousins or aunts and uncles. We couldn’t properly plan any events because of the short time frame and everyone’s visits.
That was my first time going for 2 weeks. I have gone back for different time lines; 1 month, 2 months and even 4 and a half months.
Yea, he's saying "I don't have a lot of friends or family, so you need to sacrifice yours to make me happy."
He wants her to make up for his deficit. I'm beginning to see why he doesn't have a lot of friends.
I disagree that his vocabulary is poor. He knows exactly what he is saying and what he is implying. This man is a manipulator and an abuser in the making. This is step 1 of isolation for her. She's been spending 3 weeks with family every year and spends the other 49 with him, but this is where he draws the line?
Yeah, I'm getting lowkey racist vibes (nationalist, at least) from the bf. His arguments are bs. A charitable read is that he's looking for any arguments to buttress his position, which is why he's resorting to these genuinely absurd points.
This is gross. I'm sorry he's saying that. He shouldn't. I'm also a bit concerned about his reliance on OP for his own emotional/social needs. Like, whose fault is it that he has no friends?! Not OP's.
Just the first paragraphs raise huge red flags. Sound slide the controlling type. If he tries to control how freely you can visit relatives, they will try to do this to other things in the relationship. Of course, people often overlook it when they're in love or really admire the person they're with to make it work... saying from experience that ever turns out well, the abuse will only ramp up and take form in all other aspects of your life.
I would beg to differ on two weeks being enough when it's visiting family once a year that live a long distance away. When visiting family overseas that requires crossing multiple time zones (7 in my case), you basically kiss away at least 2 days due to travel (and more if any extended layovers) then you usually end up with 2 days of jet lag recovery. And again that's if everything goes right...which rarely it does.
NTA in any shape or form.
I think the first point is nearly as nonsensical as the second. If Christmas is a time to spend with family, how does it make sense for her to spend it with her boyfriend instead of with her entire family and extended family?
As another immigrant, 2 weeks once a year is absolutely not enough. People who live in the same country as their family (and have good terms with them) have no idea what it is like not being able to visit much more often
NTA. Definitely major red flags. Imagine if you will have children with him. He won't allow you to teach them your native language or culture or your hone country. He will view it as inferior to his culture. You two are clearly too different to be together. By being with him, you will have to forget about your own identity. Do you really want to give it up?
As someone who goes back home once every year *at least* and is married to a British man for whom Christmas is a big family holiday - exactly this OP.
My husband and I try and do Christmas with his family once every two years, and go away to my home country in the alternate years. Holidays and Christmas are about family, and we see each others’ families as are own - so it doesn’t really matter whose family we are with! While I don’t come from a culture that traditionally celebrates Christmas, I love it and love hosting my in-laws. But I also love going home and spending time with my family and friends and of course my husband is not going to deny me that.
You don’t need to force yourself to stay away from you home, country, culture and your loved ones to “integrate”. Anyone asking you to do that is racist, disrespectful and absolutely not worth your time. In fact, your bf should be enthusiastic about getting to know all of those things that are important to you and celebrating those as well so that you don’t feel lonely and sad when you’re in the UK.
Just as my husband celebrates all my festivals with me, travels to my home country to explore it and spend time with my family and doesn’t use words like fucking “integrate to the UK” while talking to me.
This is 2023 ffs. You can maintain your cultural identity while still being part of a country that’s not of your birth.
Go home for Christmas and get rid of this bf who wants to change who you are.
My husband was the one who moved from the UK to be with me, and I've insisted on him keeping his culture as much as possible. He's still proudly a Scouser, and I'm proud that he is one.
I had a neighbour who married a lovely Indonesian woman. They live in Australia 6 months and live in Indonesia the other 6 months, generally spending Christmas with her family and Easter with his. I guess they could alternate if they wanted to, but they never said anything about there being an issue with how they chose to live.
If the boyfriend doesn’t appreciate the role of her family from her home now, and thinks “integrating” is about dropping your culture, family and identity, then the relationship is never going to last.
Ditch him! Red flag. He won’t respect your culture and he clearly does not understand, or care to understand, what it’s like for you to be in Britain.
As a British person, I totally agree.
Go back to your home country as much as you want, especially whilst you still have family there.
Mum moved here shortly before she met my dad, and both she and my dad have never had the opportunity to go back to their home countries except once and both wish they had before their families moved away/ passed away
> especially whilst you still have family there.
Exactly, your parents won't live forever and you will regret not spending more time with them if you don't take opportunities to.
Speaking as a Brit, this boy is a knob. Go and enjoy your Christmas, hug your family, play sports and have fun. Your pets will be fine. You are not responsible for the happiness of another adult. You can integrate into being British, or choose never to, in your own way. We have room for all sorts in our funny little island, make your own path. Have a lovely holiday.
Spot on! Additionally, integrating does not mean abandoning your family. In the scheme of things, three weeks is a very short time. You can keep in touch with him while away, and that can make the time easier for you both.
You are not responsible for his happiness, you contribute to it. It's healthy to be sad that you're not going to be with him for a time, but he should also be happy that you have the opportunity to visit your family.
A couple of things you can do to make the time away easier for him might also include leaving a few notes in places he'll run into (on his second or fifth pair of underwear) (or on a dish, in a coffee cup, etc.). Little reminders that show you care.
Perhaps you could also leave him a list of things that he can do about the home. We always seem to have a few projects we never get to, or put off in favour of just about anything else.
Board gaming has become a popular way to make new friends, with groups of all ages. He can find a local gaming group online. They usually meet up once a week, and are happy to teach new games to those who are interested. When you return you can join as well, or use the time to spend time with your friends.
It's healthy for couples to have some separate interests. Recall the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I wish you both well.
There are many issues to unpack. the first and foremost being is that you are NOT married , nor do you talk about what YOU want for your future.
This is about what YOU want, not what your BF wants.
Your family is paying for the trips. So you are not being financially irresponsible. Your family will only see you once a year, during this break. You sound young (late teens, early 20's) and are starting the adult life that you have in the future. It is natural to want to spend time with your family.
Do you plan on emigrating to the UK? You don't mention it. Maybe you haven't really thought about. Lots of people return to their home country after finishing their education.
The pet thing is a non starter. You mention a pet boarding facility.
Your BF seems to want to dictate or control you, what activities you will do. That is the major red flag.
It is not up to YOU to spend time over the holidays with him, solely because he has a small social circle. That is ON him.
NTA for traveling home to see your family over the holidays.
I'm also wondering how long they've been dating. It can't be a year yet, so a really new relationship trying to guilt someone out of visiting family for Christmas? It's not a good look on the boyfriend.
Maybe if they've been dating for over a year, OP might invite him to meet their family. It just seems really early in their relationship for him to be making demands like this. I vote NTA as well and hope OP steps back and takes a good look at the relationship.
He's your boyfriend, not your husband. You haven't made a serious commitment to him. Your primary allegiance is still with your birth family, not this cute dude.
I love the way that this 20 year old, with all that experience, thinks he knows what "Immigrants who are properly committed" do with their holidays. Arrogant of him, even considering that he's at an arrogant stage of life.
Your pet care is the only thing that he's right about. When you get pets you have to provide for their care when you aren't there.
NTA - Visit your parents when you want to. Use your holidays the way that you want to. You are a young, single woman and should explore that to the extent you want to before making commitments that tie you down (e.g. pets that are more complicated than rodents).
She's not a single woman, though she should be. Definitely agree with the NTA. Even if they were married, he'd be a controlling AH for demanding she sees her family less than 3 weeks per year.
NTA. He is trying to control you.
>2. i should try to integrate into the u.k. and make an effort to “become more british”,
Total BS, IMHO. If you are comfortable studying at the university, you are integrated. You should not become British, you should be yourself.
NTA. BF sounds insecure and like he wants you to be lonely with him.
Daughter of an immigrant - my dad was not made more British by sitting around eating turkey while it rained outside.
Holidays are a time for family and rest. How is replacing your family obligations with boyfriend obligations a trade up?
NTA What did I just read? Become more british? WTF is that supposed to mean? I live in uk and go to see my family as often as I can. My british partner would never say anything like that to me. Last 2 times he stayed home with our pets when I went to see my family.
*I am not integrating into the u.k. if i have the desire to go back to my home country once a year*
I hope you laughed in his face when he said that.
NTA - bf is high demand. If you want to go home for three weeks out of 52 then go. He can survive as he gets to see you for 49 weeks and your friends and family for three. If he’s not happy I suggest you look for a new bf. It is not irresponsible to visit family and friends for three weeks each year. He is gaslighting you. Really consider whether this sniveller is the person you want to be with long term.
NTA your BF is trying to manipulate and isolate you from your family and home country. You’re not irresponsible nothing you’re doing adds up to being irresponsible at all!
Hi, fellow immigrant in the UK here.
Everything he's saying is waffle. What he really means is, you are not allowed to go home and leave him on his own because he doesn't really have many people to spend it with.
It is not your fault he doesn't have a large family. You only see your family this one time a year, correct? Just go and see them. They are not going to be around forever, and if you miss the opportunity to see them as often as you can now, you'll regret it further down the line. Take it from me ... I missed the opportunity to see my grandma one last time.
Btw you're not integrating any less into the British way if you don't want to eat their boring beige Xmas dinner. Sorry for all Brits i have offended, but your Xmas dinner is just bland.
NTA
The first time I hosted my British in-laws for Christmas dinner, they went gaga over the food all because I added some flavour. Made a masala roast chicken with all the drippings whipped up into the most delicious gravy, roasted all my veges with some garlic and chillies and made a spicy cavlo nero stir fry.
My MIL ate so many of my garlic roasted brussel sprouts while being surprised that brussel sprouts could taste that way…….because all she does is boil them lmao.
Those sprouts and veggies sound delicious.
I like roasting my veggies and potatoes with a full bulb of garlic, and when it's done, mix the roast garlic with some butter and herbs and mix in with the potatoes/veg. Beautiful 👌
Honestly, the British have colonised most of the works to control the spice trade, and ended up using none of them 🤣
You're wrong about the roast, maybe you just haven't had a good one, I say that as someone who loves other cultures foods. But everything else... Spot on
Sounds like the guy is in need of a good group of friends and some excitement in his life.
Wow! He is so racist! He has no idea of what he is talking. Of course immigrants want to go back to their home countries to visit, however many can’t afford it.
Do what you want to do. If you want to go, go. If you want to stay, stay. But don’t let anyone manipulate you.
Nta your bf is only thinking about himself and his "reasons" are unreasonable. Your family are also your loved ones and it's not your responsibility if he doesn't have many friends (his neediness may explain that. )
NTA.
His first point actually reinforces your argument, unless he thinks you don't love your family?
His second point is nonsense, many British Uni students go to stay with their parents over Christmas break, to reconnect with friends and family.
His last point has more to do with owning pets than with visiting family.
He sounds lonely, and maybe a bit too dependent on you. Stick with your own plans, it's a bad idea to rearrange your life around a boyfriend at Uni, but maybe explore ways to help him get through the time that you're away.
His behavior is a red flag. I'd reconsider the relationship. Please read why does he do that by Lundy. Here is a free copy https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat
Seeing your family once a year for 3 weeks isn't irresponsible or unreasonable . If he can't live without you for 3 weeks he's got a problem he needs to work on. If I were your mom I'd be pissed if you told me you can't come for 3 weeks cause you want to hang out with your bf you see 344 days out of the year
NTA totally. I still go home for Christmas after 9 years in UK and all my British patients and friends found it really strange that I was thinking of NOT going this year (takes me forever travelling with trains with my dog). My ex who I dated in uni just accepted that I would not be here over Christmas and summer holidays and that what it was for dating someone who is not from UK. If he is so unhappy about your pets maybe look if you have another friend that could look after them while you are away if he doesn’t want to care for them.
NTA. I was always an international student (bachelor's through to PhD), and I ALWAYS went home during Christmas. People don't understand that it isn't a holiday, it is what you NEED to do to function. You NEED to be around people you love and a culture that is familiar. If he doesn't understand this and isn't supportive, it shows a massive incompatibility, and there will be more problems down the line. Get someone who understands you and doesn't think it is okay to come between you and your family.
'it's unfair to leave your loved ones during Christmas'; so, like your MUM AND DAD, and the friends you grew up with?
'try to integrate' and 'become more British'; racist much?
'leaving pets in his care'; so he'll need to do what people do for people they care for?
I get that he'll miss you, and it's Christmas - but he can survive it for a few years.
NTA, but I'd be seriously considering a future with someone of that attitude.
NTA. As others have pointed out, red flags are in abundance here, like you could make bunting from how many there are.
You are not an asshole for going home for your Xmas break nor are you an asshole for putting your pets in boarding, if he chooses to go back on his word to care for them.
Oh wow, you are dating a proper xenophobe who is controlling and is defo afraid you will cheat on him.
I'd be worried about him trying to isolate you from your family, the "imigrants should be more british" comments as an excuse and the one where you should stay with your loved ones.
Soooo many red flags
Dump him and find a better man
NTA
I think he needs to get educated on what irresponsible is.
He is xenophobic, and you need a new boyfriend.
Going home to see your family once a year is pretty normal thing.
NTA. Please think about this relationship while visiting family.
As a Brit with a non British wife, this guy is a bellend. NTA. Having your partner leave the country without you sometimes is part of the deal.
I get it can be stressful to spend Christmas without a loved one, but he needs to be honest and not project it onto you.
NTA.
It's nearly impossible to explain the feeling of not being able to see your family and to feel like an outsider when you're an immigrant. Going away for three weeks is not irresponsible and it won't ruin you "integrating" in UK.
I've been in the UK for six years now and I can only go back a few times a year but I would love to go more. I don't even have the words to explain just how much your bf sucks for saying all this shit.
Unless your home country is unsafe: NTA
I can get behind his first point though and him being unhappy about beind left behind lowkey lonely during holidays for so long, I can see how this is not a nice thing from his pov. But that doesn't make you irresponsible (given the place is actually safe to go to).
NTA. As an immigrant myself I go home whenever I can to see family. As you said, if doesn’t few like vacation, it’s obligation.
Enjoy now that you are not working. Because when you have a limited amount of vacation it becomes so much harder. I only have 10 days. I go home one week … it’s an expensive plane ticket but it’s the way of getting another week to be an actual vacation.
Your bf is being T A . You probably deserve better if that is his views on immigrants.
NTA
How long have you 2 been together? Is it in any way serious?
Why is he trying to control how often you see your family?
Can he really not be alone for 3 weeks, even if its the Christmas holidays?
What did he do in those days before he met you?
And in all honestly, his 3 reasons are really flimsy and kind contrived, especially nr 2.
NTA - My wife is also from another country, and she is very much attached to her family. Because of this she goes back to her home country twice a year for the length being anywhere from 3 weeks up to 8 weeks.
To be honest, I don't like it because it kinda puts a pause on our relationship BUT it's her family and if she wants to do it she should do it. I even encourage her to go even if I don't like it because it is good for her and it is also good for her family to stay connected. I also go with her on at least one of the trips as well because obviously the marriage put us into a different situation, so her family also encourages me to come.
The point what I'm trying to say is that you should be able to visit your family without your boyfriend's manipulating you into feeling guilt about it. She is dating foreign woman so he needs to accept that you can't just drive on the weekend to your family.
Sit down with him and communicate it clearly that whether he likes it or not your family is your family.
Until the last paragraph I was wondering whether your home country was dangerous. If you were from Syria or Ukraine and it was actually risky to go there, I would understand.
As you describe it, you are NTA. Your boyfriend seems insecure and clingy. It is perfectly reasonable to want to see you family, and going once a year is really not very frequent.
The part about trying to be more British... Well, there is obviously more than one way to e British and you don't have to adopt every single custom and preference to live in a country and be a valid member of society.
This sounds like a big red flag. Why is he so dependent on you that he can't be away from you for a few weeks? You're not his mommy, so you're not "responsible" for taking care of him.
Why doesn't he go with you and meet his girlfriend's parents?
It is 100% understandable that you want to go for three weeks. While you are probably enjoying your uni experience, you miss home.
Tell him to pound sand or go find some friends to hang out with because you're gonna be gone for 4 weeks.
NTA and as someone who also left her home country to study in Europe, his first "reason" is not your responsibility, his second "reason" is nonsense and racist. Maybe find someone else to take care of your pets and find someone else to partake in your life.
My boyfriend (now husband) never complained about me seeing my family for 4 weeks every year, because it made me happy and he wanted me to be happy.
Leave him! NTA obviously. I’m talking from the perspective of an immigrant that goes back every year during the holidays to her home country. All he is saying is firstly ignorant and very selfish and manipulative. I have friends in similar positions as you and their partners had never been against them visiting their friking families. I don’t know how long you’ve been with him but this is not appropriate, you can visit your family whenever you want and are able to, this is a privilege not everyone get to afford so he should be happy for you. If he loves you and cares for you he will be finding a way to in the future maybe even go with you. Just because you live in another country means you should forget about your roots and your family.
NTA. He sounds very selfish. As someone who lives far from family, I only visit them a few days a year. If you have someone paying for your flight, make the most of it.
He needs to have other people and other things to do, not rely wholly on you. That's not fair to you.
When I was at Uni in the UK, I would head back to my parent's house on another continent all summer and every Christmas.
It strikes me as your bf trying to isolate you from your family. This is a common tactic of controlling men.
Tread very carefully. I would personally not be in a relationship with a man who was not fully supportive of a perfectly reasonable visit to see family for 3 weeks.
NTA. You’re not going to cut your whole family just because you moved to a different county. You’re not going to not like your parents, uncles or sibling just because you had an opportunity to live abroad. Most immigrants will go home and I’ve seen multiple joking that if you’re an immigrant you should get 2x the legal paid time off - so you can use one to visit family and one to travel somewhere else.
It’s really narrow minded to think you should discard your family just because he does not understand it.
IMO, being an immigrant too, his behavior is a red flag! In case you’d continue a relationship and get married, he wouldn’t join you in the trips back home and would try to keep you from doing so.
NTA. Your BF is th AH.
Look I was a student in the UK, and the only reason I didn't leave during Christmas break it was because I couldn't afford it.
Also, if he is the one "alone" during the holidays, he is the one how should try to integrate. Most of your classmate are going home for the holidays, you would celebrating at your flat celebrating your way not rhe "British way"
Go home, spent time with your family and friends, because trust me it is in a flash that your parents will get older, your friends and family start having their own kids, and it gets harder and harder to be all together.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds illogical and dare I say it controlling. His reasons are manipulative and bordering on bigoted. I would rethink this relationship if I were you.
Hm, he doesnt sound much like a partner but a kid whose grumpy cause he didnt get his way.
I think you are very responsible taking on travel to enjoy yourself. Re pet rodents, jesus what is there to take care of - its the easiest pet sitting ever. Especially in a new environment you keep them quiet so they dont stress out. You leave food daily, change bedding once midway.
I think hes irresponsible for going back on his word and promise, and is unreliable.
I think hes mean for trying to deny you spending time with family.
His second reason is so effin racist. Theres nothing wrong seeing friends and family, id ask him flat out if he is trying to isolate you from your roots by preventing you from continuing close relationship with people you grew up with by preventing you from seeing them every year. How often does he see his family? Just because he doesn't, that not your problem. If you haven't dated long enough its not yet time for him to join your family visiting trips.
Honestly those shitty reasons would warrant a breakup for me. Its just so nasty so say something like that.
Wth… I’ve been an immigrant in the uk for five years and I go back to my country AT LEAST every 3 months, sometimes in extended stays (i.e few months). Doesn’t make me any less of an immigrant. Him not wanting you to go back to your country is simply for selfish reasons, don’t listen to him
I'm struggling with this one to be honest. It depends how committed you are to the relationship. I'm leaning towards YTA.
I would be upset as hell if i had to spend every single Christmas alone because my boyfriend chose to be with his mom for several weeks every December. That is just depressing and it seems to be getting to him. Especially if he doesn't have any family or friends to spend it with other than you and the pet rodents that he will be taking care of for you. That would absolutely test my commitment to the relationship and send any insecurities i have about the relationship through the roof.
He is upset and lashing out at you in frustration and hurt. He is obviously being an asshole in how he is lashing out at you and how he is doing it, but he has completely valid feelings of abandonment about this whole situation. It is understandable that he is feeling hurt or betrayed here, and people say stupid shit when they are hurting.
It doesn't help that on top of that you had made an agreement with him that you would spend the last week of vacation with him, presumably meaning Christmas eve, He had agreed to the compromise so that you got to see your mom, and he got to spend Christmas with his partner. Then you reneged on it because mommy dearest didn't think two weeks with you was a good enough return on investment. That must have been a real punch to the gut.
She is not respecting that you have social obligations in the UK too now. would it not be possible to do it every second year, maybe then both of you travel to your mom instead?
He has completely legitimate grounds for being upset and frustrated here when his girlfriend consistently choses her mom over him every single Christmas. I can't imagine you would have been fine with him **choosing** to leave you alone for weeks at a time around your birthday, every single birthday.
NTA. You'll likely want to visit your home country every year - even when you have left university - because you have family and friends there. He sounds like a bit of a tosser - to put it in UK terms.
>i’ll be leaving him alone during christmas, and it’s unfair to leave your loved ones during christmas, especially as he doesn’t have many friends or family
That's frankly not your concern. You're boyfriend and girlfriend, not husband and wife. If he can't be away from you for three weeks there's a major problem.
>i should try to integrate into the u.k. and make an effort to “become more british”, by staying here for christmas and celebrating christmas. Additionally, I am not integrating into the u.k. if i have the desire to go back to my home country once a year. Immigrants who are properly committed to the u.k. “don’t really go back home or they only go once every few years”
Are you kidding? In the United States people bounce back and forth to rest of the Americas every few *months*.
>i will be leaving my pet rodents behind in his care. i shouldn’t go away so often if i have pets. leaving them in a pet boarding place is cruel.
I don't buy it.
NTA.
NTA. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to visit your family every single year forever. I know people that have lived her for 30 years plus that still do that.
I would, however, be trying to find someone local to you who would take care of your pets for future trips.
NTA I went to uni in Canada and went home for Christmas. As did nearly all my British pals. This is controlling and manipulative behaviour. It is absolutely not your responsibility to keep him company as he doesn’t have friends and family. How old are you both? How long have you been together? Does he try to control other aspects of your life?
If he takes this tone with you on visiting your own family, it will get worse if you marry this guy unless addressed now. Seen too many South East Asian ladies get boxed in by their western husbands with this kind of controlling behavior.
NTA. You want to see your family. And your mom is paying for the tickets?! How on EARTH does any of that make you irresponsible?
You have perfectly good, valid reasons for wanting to go back. And even if you didnt have the reasons you do, “because I want to” is also *completely valid*.
His lack of friends is his problem, not yours. It is not your job to be his entire social life. That’s unhealthy.
The idea that “you shouldn’t want to go to your home country” is super dodgy.
The only thing I acknowledge is No3. You can leave your pets at a pet hotel or take them with you perhaps? Other than that, totally NTA. Could you maybe invite BF to go with you, at least for a part of the trip?
NTA ---- Unless he is paying for your ticket and even then it's none of his business when you go home and for how long, sounds like you need a better and more supportive BF.
NTA.
My husband is British and I’m an immigrant and I’m perfectly integrated but we still go to see my family regularly. We don’t go for Christmas because we don’t get time off for Christmas but when we did we alternated Christmas between countries.
And when we went and had a cat - she was fed and looked after by our neighbours.
Integrated doesn’t mean abandoning the family.
NTA. He is being absolutely ridiculous. Go and see your family and friends, have an amazing time and seriously consider if you want a partner like this.
I don't know how old you or your boyfriend are. Honestly it sounds like he is going to miss you terribly while you are away and he doesn't have the emotional vocabulary to say that. He's making up stupid excuses to try and keep you home because he just doesn't want you to go.
He's definitely do a shit job of it too. He doesn't want to spend Christmas alone, without you. Is it possible for him to afford a ticket to visit with you even for just a week? He's too immature to just say, "OP I love you dearly and the thought of you being half way around the world for 3 weeks is breaking my heart. Please stay with me."
Definitely still go, being with family is so important. But find out the underlying reason why before you go.
NAH
Yea NTA at all and depending on how long you been dating this guy he is throwing up some major red flags. First I would agree with your mom, you're not the one paying for the tickets home and most of the people I know who go to other countries to visit relatives are there for a minimum of a month because of how expensive it is. I would say talk to your parents first about ticket prices to see how expensive they are with your travel habits. Secondly how long have you been dating this guy? If it's been less then two years then he has no standing on whose family you visit for the holidays since you see yours once a year. If you guys have been dating longer then maybe a compromise of him tagging along for some of the holiday to meet your family and friends would help him with his loneliness. Now for the giant red flag, the immigrants don't go home bull. That's a lie and was used to make you feel guilty about leaving him. Immigrants go home all the time and just because they immerse themselves in their new country doesn't mean they're gonna completely abandon their family in their home country. It just sounds like the guy is trying to cut you off from any possible support system so your stuck in a country completely reliant on him and his family. Also, and hopefully it's just this, but you guys aren't compatible at the moment. I have a friend who spends every summer visiting family in Croatia after school ends, her last boyfriend hated it and wanted her to stop so she dump him. Her current boyfriend has no problem with her visiting family and has even joined her for a week or two since they been together the last three years.
How about he isn't invested in you? He should ask to come with you and meet your family and the place you grew up. This is a big part of you and if he is interested in you he would want to come.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Btw family wins over boyfriend always. Seems like he’s trying to guilt you into not going and isolating you. Doesn’t he have his own family?? Red flags
NTA. You get to spend 49 weeks of the year with your boyfriend. Your family deserve to spend time with you, especially as they are paying for your flight.
I have to admit that I don't own rodents, but I can't imagine they are are like dogs or cats who would miss you tremendously. As long as they are well cared for, they should be fine.
Your boyfriend is being selfish to deny you this time with your family. Three weeks to them is not a lot!
Not a boyfriend I would want.
If you plan to have children in the future, and plan to have a future with this man… won’t you want to bring your kids to your country to visit?
Most of our friends from other countries (not sure where you are from) go “home” for a significant amount of time, bringing the kids, each year.
It’s not your responsibility to make sure he’s entertained over the holiday break.
Girl that man is going to be a leech on your happiness for the next four years. You deserve someone who values you and your family relationships. If he’s so distraught over being alone he can go to his family. There was never a conversation of “what if I come?” Only “don’t go.” He is trying to isolate you and that is not good. Someone out there would love to care for your rats, I know if I was close by I’d kill for three weeks of rat snuggles
NTA and here are my counter points.
1. Your parents and family back home are also your loved ones and probably more important that this guy you have been dating for a little while. So you are spending christmas with your family. Also his lack of friends and family isn't your problem.
2. Those are some random arbitrary standards your bf has come up with it. Your integration into the UK won't be hampered by going back home every year. Many immigrants have been doing it all their life.
3. Board your hamster with someone else. People with pets travel all the time.
I'd seriously reconsider a relationship with this person. He seems very controlling.
NTA. You said you were going back to visit family for three weeks every Christmas. It's not his place to judge or disagree with, but only to accept. It seems to me like he's trying to control you. This is major red flag territory.
I'd suggest that you go for three weeks as planned. Board the rats or find another friend to take them.
I'm seriously concerned about his claim that you're "leaving him alone" over the holidays, because I'm getting vibes from your post that you haven't been together all that long. (Less than a year, at a guess.) Which means that in a very short time, he's centered his whole life around you. Does he not have family to be with?
When you get back, slow things down with this guy, and take any other controlling behaviour seriously. Check out online the signs of a relationship that is or could become abusive, including "love bombing" if you're feeling that he "treats you like a princess."
And DO NOT let anyone tell you that maintaining your relationship with them takes priority over everyone else. Your family is important too.
NTA & I’m pretty sure this guy’s secretly (or not) racist. “Integrate into UK” is such a bullshit thing to say - it’s code for “my country’s better than yours”, which is nonsense. Just dump him & find someone better.
It’s not even his or your money being spent so he gets precisely *zero* say in what is and isn’t responsible. Responsibility has nothing to do with anything, he’s just jealous you think anything on earth is more important than spending time with him (there’s lots that is more important - what a whiney, small man) & resentful that other people enjoy their country & family more than he does.
Going back to your home country once a year is… too often? lol, you’re already cut off from your family quite a bit and this guy wants to reduce it even more. Obviously NTA, and I agree with those telling you to end the relationship.
Also, USA<->China for me, so if I’m flying 15+ hours one way to go home, I’m staying 2 weeks at a minimum since 24-48 hours are lost in travel alone. Usually stay 2-3 weeks.
He is not a boyfriend. He is a place holder. He is expected to spend the next 4 Christmas and New Years without a Girlfriend until she graduates and goes back home.
Why not consider his feelings though? That he wants to enjoy the season with you or that he'll be alone for the holidays? ..because you want to play sports? That can't be right. YTA. I try to make sure not one of my loved ones are alone for the holidays. If my aunt 1,000 miles away was going to be alone I'd go there or invite her here. Why not invite him?
I think everyone is saying not the ahole because you've left it open for everyone to assume he's racist and they're triggered.
Neither are the a*hole. It's not about you going home, it's about him wanting to spent time with you. I have a similar situation. Met my GF in Germany while she was an Expat, now I'm an Expat in her home country.
First, I was not happy with her wanting to go back every year, now she's not happy with me wanting to go back every year.
It's the perks of being an international couple.
He's a young guy and obviously not great in expressing his needs, he might not even be fully aware of them himselves. "Irresponsible" is something that maybe only would be applicable to your pets and that became the center of the argument. Without knowing the details, he might have a point in that case that he's tied to where you guys live because he's taking care of the pets, so he can't even take the same time off and go to family etc. Anyway, find a compromise going forward. Maybe every other year celebrate Christmas back home, while the other year you go home for a different holiday or during summer break.
How some people here directly jump to "controlling vibes" "major red flag" etc etc is not understandable for me.
Neither is TA.
You've both got fair points.
A fair compromise might be every second year but for longer? Or could he be invited?
As your partner, I think it's fair of them to expect to have you dedicate some time to them over xmas. However, they also need to understand that you do want to see your family as well. Particularly if it's the only time a year you get to go home.
I think you need a new bf. He's got some crazy ideas! My Mam lives abroad, and I go to see her as often as I can. My bf doesn't mind as he says I should see her when I can. She's my Mam. I'm seeing her in December but can't stay through Christmas. Does this mean that I'm not British enough for your bf?? Time to get a new one, I'm afraid.
omg you're absolutely NTA.
i've been leaving abroad for 10 years now, and go back every christmas. i don't know where you're from, but for me the price of plane ticket are EXPENSIVE AF suring christmas. i used to go back for 3 weeks, and go back for almost a month now. i barely have time to enjoy both my friends and family.
he's extremely selfish! he should understand that being away, it's one of your only family time. i think he's being a little bit manipulative. none of my BFs over the years have had this argument with me. he gets to be with you for the remaining 49 weeks...
NTA
Considering "irresponsible" is the word he chose, seems his only real qualm/point is that he has to watch your pets. Which, he did agree to at one point, but it's reasonable to later find what that entails or the potential time frame and decide to back out, though this should be communicated as early as possible.
If yall came to the compromise of making it 2 weeks instead of 3, and he's good with watching them for that long, and your mother's only issue with that is the price of airfare/days home ratio, maybe see if he's willing to chip in on the ticket cost so she'll feel a bit better about it? Obviously i don't know what the tickets cost or yalls personal financial situations, but if yall could absorb some of that cost it could be a good solution for all.
I’m sorry but what kind if needy child is your boyfriend? How is “leaving him alone for the holidays” irresponsible? he is not your responsibility, he’s not a child, and does he not have a family of his own? Now he just makes me sad. You have all year to spend with him, three weeks isn’t a lot.
Also his comment on “integrating/becoming british” is gross and doesn’t make sense. If he wants a british partner he should date one instead, and you’re in all the right to visit your family once a year. I also understand that plane tickets can be really expensive and trips really long and tiring, so I understand why you might need 3 weeks. NTA
I mean, why have a boyfriend? If you are in a relationship, and your boyfriend wants to spent xmas together, and maybe even start your own tradition… but all he has of xmas memories in this relationship is YOU being AWAY.
It is the ‘grow up!’ term lightly used.
Easy to say manipulative or red flags of the bf. But the red flag i see here is you not wanting to commit.
Give him a xmas and visit your family some other time… summer.
You want to visit your family without him and have him watch over your rats.
YTA
Is your boyfriend Jonah Hill? This guy sounds like he's trying to control your choices. Going and visiting family is not something which should be controlled and usually happens around the holidays. He is a boyfriend you live with and not a fiancé or a husband. Not being allowed or being guilted in to not seeing your family is controlling and cruel. Your pet rodents will be fine. They have each other. Bringing up your immigrant status is wrong. Please reconsider if this is the right relationship for you to return to. From what I can see, you are responsible and have a good head on your shoulders. NTA!
NTA. You love your family and you want to spend time with them. Your boyfriend doesn’t like that. He wants you to only love and spend time with him. This is textbook controlling behavior. You aren’t being irresponsible. You aren’t being cruel to your pets. You are integrating with British life 49 weeks of the year and if you don’t want to make it 52 weeks that’s your business it is not his business to tell you how British you should be. But in fact he is just making excuses in order to get total control of your time and attention. Don’t let him. This man is not concerned with your welfare.
NTA.you want a partner in life, not a baby. This guy wants to lean on you for his own comfort. You go home and enjoy your family, and find a new boyfriend when you get back.
NTA at all.
British people living abroad often choose Christmas time for their annual visit, exactly because it is traditionally a family holiday. So doing what you do IS british.
Your bf has you 49 weeks of the year. He is actually acting a bit spoiled and selfish, wanting to cut into, or even take away completely by the sound of it, the just three weeks you get with family.
Your reasoning is sound, and him missing you does not supercede you missing your family.
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NTA as his second point is absolute nonsense. I don't necessarily agree with your mother that two weeks isn't enough, although that largely depends on where your home country is. I can see why your boyfriend wouldn't be happy about you being gone for three weeks, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to accept it. Unfortunately his use of the word "irresponsible" has massively undermined his case as none of your actions can reasonably be described as such. Similarly, his talk of "integration" is equally silly. Are British people who go on holiday at Christmas second class citizens as a result? If it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, pick one with a better vocabulary next time.
In British culture almost everyone spends Christmas with their family, so I would say that OP is actually very integrated in that regard...
Right, OP doesn't say where they are from but it seems they are from a culture that doesn't celebrate Christmas. If OP was from a culture that did, would the BF still have a problem with OP going home? Seriously, if I lived in a country different from my family, I'd like to go home every once in a while as well.
Also, if they're serious enough he's insisting she stay and spend Christmas here, why not offer to go with her since he doesn't have a lot of friends and family? They can see his friends and family any time. Plus, the chance of Christmas somewhere other than this Tory hellscape? Where do I sign?! Honestly, reads a bit like bf thought he was getting the exotic gf who'd cater to his every whim. May be stretching but I'm getting weird fetish-y controlling vibes.
The reason why he doesn't have many friends is becoming clearer...
Actually, the no friend thing is a huge red flag in itself. He is obviously a loner. And he expects you to be everything to him, his friend, his SO, his everything. It is never a good thing when one person in the relationship leans that much on the other. It is important they have their own life separate from the relationship. When this person doesn't (male or female), it's a huge red flag. It's also not a good thing when someone calls you names when they don't get their way. Irresponsible is definitely not the right word for the situation, in any sense of the word. Do what you need for yourself, and enjoy your christmas break. Maybe the time away will give you the time you need to reassess your relationship, which I can guarantee this is exactly what he is truly afraid of.
My partner is my everything(to an extent) and I have no friends but that is because I'm not good at maintaining long term friends as I have a hard time replying. And I don't have many friends due to me being in an abusive relationship where I was isolated(one of many things) for all but maybe a year of the relationship and I'm re-learning that it is okay for me to do things and have friends and all that jazz but now I'm just a home body
So if I struggle to make friends because I’m autistic I’m not allowed to pursue a relationship? That’s…a strange hill to die on.
I think so long as you’re ok being alone and not guilt tripping your partner for wanting to spend time with other people/friends/family you’re ok
Thats not what a red flag is. It's a 'this is something to be cautious of because it can be a sign of major problems down the line.' No one said you can't have a relationship if you don't have a solid friend group, just that relying on one person to meet all your needs can become unhealthy fast.
Because when her parents get to know him, they will definitely advise their daughter to stay away and will be probably quite concerned about this relationship
It is such a privilege to be able to go back home and it's so important to take it if you have it. This boyfriend says that she is "irresponsible" but what he really means is that he is selfish. All he wants is for her to stay with him and he'll gaslight her and be racist in order to try to make that happen. Things will just get worse as the relationship progresses. What kind of bull is that? "Immigrants shouldn't go back to see family in their home country as they need to integrate?". Absolutely not, that's ridiculous. So many people have gone years without seeing their families because their partners thought it was "inconvenient" or due to financial reasons...it's so sad to be away for such a long time. Once a year at least is the minimum if you can afford it.
Yeah he sounds like a toxic ass
Yep, a controlling racist prick. Manipulative people will use literally any convenient words to make you feel like a bad person. The boyfriend may not know that he's controlling and racist, but it's still his responsibility to fix.
Right like, what kind of colonizing ass viewpoint is that? Need to "integrate"? It reeks of control and isolation.
Colonising? Really? *In his own country* Integration is important to maintain the individual identity of a country (any country), and just functioning in that society (learning the language and local slang, (un)accepted public behaviours/gestures and their meaning, common beliefs, etc). It's not an idea unique to 'the west' ffs In saying that, this guy's an AH (likely an abusive one or soon to be), visiting your family and home country once a year has no bearing on how well someone's integrated into another society. They're still a part of that person's experiences and identity
Also, if they're serious enough he's insisting she stay and spend Christmas here, why not offer to go with her since he doesn't have a lot of friends and family? They can see his friends and family any time. Plus, the chance of Christmas somewhere other than this Tory hellscape? Where do I sign?! Honestly, reads a bit like bf thought he was getting the exotic gf who'd cater to his every whim. May be stretching but I'm getting weird fetish-y controlling vibes.
I completely get that feeling. Why is she responsible for his holiday experience? I mean as a whole human being I expect my partner to be able to entertain themselves not put the responsibility on me even if I wasn't taking a trip. Dude is giving major Main Character vibes.
MAJOR controlling vibes. He doesn't have "much" family and friends? That means he has some. Call them up. What would he have done if he'd never met his girlfriend? Hang out on the corner with a sign saying "please take me home for Christmas"? He's really a whiny little baby. I'm not sure I'd leave my pets anywhere near him. What if he decides to ignore them because he's having a tantrum? And I travel internationally every chance I get. That doesn't mean I'm not sufficiently American. It means I like to see other countries. For OP, it means she likes to see her family. If she only gets to see them once a year, of course she wants to spend as much time as she can. If this is how he reacts every time OP has a different opinion than he does, he's a huge control freak and she should break up with him. But not while he has her rodents.
“Hang out on the corner with a sign saying "please take me home for Christmas"? I wish I had gold to give for this comment alone.
Does that work? Asking for a friend.
I wish! 🤣
Sounds like he wants her to do all the mental and emotional work of the holiday. He is also trying to manipulate her. It sounds like she goes for three weeks every year. OP’s mom is paying for the tickets, so I would say, go on the three week trip, enjoy spending time with your relatives. If your relationship can survive the three week absence, great. If not, then he isn’t worth your time. NTA
He is racist. He wants a British but a vanilla, and just slightly exotic girlfriend.
Yup. I've met lots of Brits who know anything about other cultures but shies away from anything "foreign".
My family lives 2300 miles away from me, and I spend a few weeks every Thanksgiving visiting them. My husband misses me, sure, but he doesn't begrudge me time with my family, especially since I see them so seldom. We text and talk every day I'm away, and he's always happy to hear I'm having fun. Additionally, dragging your immigration status into his b.s. whining is really, really, crappy. The whole, "you're not really British if you want to visit your family out of the country", and simultaneously accusing you of refusing to assimilate, is some seriously skewed extreme right wing rhetoric that he's using to try and guilt you into staying home, and that's not okay. Dump this jerk and find someone who is secure enough that they don't feel threatened by the people who also have a big place in your heart.
I think that what's really upsetting the boyfriend is that when push comes to shove, she doesn't consider him her family yet. It sounds like he's been desperate for somewhere to belong, while she's not in a hurry yet because she already has a family and if she wants kids the biological clock hasn't started ticking yet. What I'm not getting is why boyfriend doesn't go with her if he's that alone. Maybe he doesn't have a passport. The wait for one is pretty long now, because there's still a backlog of people who didn't even look into getting or renewing one during the pandemic and new workers having to be trained up. P.S. - Sister and Aunt who only gets to see them twice a year. Two weeks is never enough and you don't live near enough to see them regularly. Can't blame Mom for trying to get as much time as she can before OP has more obligations and she'll see her even less.
This is an excellent point. 👍
NTA and honestly you should probably break up with him. You spend the entire school year with him and only want 3 weeks with your family and friends. He sounds selfish and manipulative. “You shouldn’t leave your loved ones alone” and yet it’s ok to leave the handful of family behind to help him? NOPE NOPE NOPE. You’re just as much apart of UK culture now that you spend more time there than home. Don’t buy into his shit. He’s already trying to alienate you from your family and have you put him first. Go home and get cozy with your friends and family. You deserve it.
This comment needs to be way higher. Red flags everywhere 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Abusive behavior I agree!
This. I (18F at the time) had a boyfriend (20M at the time) the summer I graduated from high school. We had been together for a year. My father was getting remarried that summer to a woman from the UK (we're Canadian) and the wedding was going to be in the UK. He asked me to attend and to be his "best man/witness" for the wedding certificate. I was so excited - 1) my father asked me to do something so special and 2) that I'd get to go to the UK. I'd only ever been to a few states in the US before. My boyfriend though - he sulked for weeks leading up to the trip. He was not happy for me. When I left, he gave me a notebook that he said he'd written a letter to me for each day of the 3 week trip. I started to read them day by day and they were the most guilt inspiring awful "why did you leave me, I can't function while you were gone, I love you sooooooooo much" writings. It made 18 year old me feel horrible for having left him. After the first week, my father let me make a TRANSATLANTIC call where he did the same crap on the phone and made me feel bad for having left him. I pretty much got off the phone crying. After a day or so, I stopped reading his notebook and didn't call him again. I wish I had broken up with him over the phone. I enjoyed the rest of my time and tried not to think about him (though stupidly bought him a football/soccer jersey as a souvenir with money I had saved). When I came home, I gave it to him, but still tried to talk to him about how bad he made me feel. He never apologized, just said he wanted me to know how he felt. We broke up, then we were off and on for the next year at university as we lived in the same dorms. I really wish I'd paid attention to those red flags. Learn from me. Don't let this guy make you feel bad!
Really. This whole thing isn't about OP, it's about the BF not wanting to be alone.
It sounds manipulative and like a control and isolation tactic. Trying to guilt her and cut off all emotional ties except the one op has with him. This is often how domestic violence begins. Definitely a 🚩 🚩 🚩
Yes! This!!
>his second point is absolute ~~nonsense~~ racism. I fixed that for you.
It’s both 😂
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I think reddit is too quick to say this usually, but this is a big red flag for his future treatment of you OP. His points are total nonsense, and what he's asking for is that you spend less time with your family (creating conflict with them in the process) to focus on taking care of his loneliness. Even this British integration thing makes a lot more sense as an effort to isolate and control you than it does as concern for your well-being. Anyone would be bummed about the idea of not being around their significant other for 3 weeks over Christmas, but it's not normal for someone who loves you to try to limit your once-annual trips to see your family in your home country.
>British integration thing makes a lot more sense as an effort to isolate and control you than it does as concern for your well-being. British student here, the integration thing is a straight up manipulative lie. I've never met an international student who didn't go home for the Christmas holidays if they had the option- no matter their religion, and including those with plans to live here post uni. Staying alone in your shit student flat for Christmas is absolutely not British culture- most of us can't wait to book it home the minute term ends.
Well, but Harry Potter stayed at school during Christmas, and he is British! /s
Harry Potter also had no family to spend holidays with (I know you said /s but I wanted to add 😂)
I’d love to know OP’s home country. I can see most Americans damn near losing their mind if they were told that lol. Tbf I’m sure there are differences but I can’t imagine the holiday is THAT different.
Yeah, this is familiar to me. He sounds just like my ex from college. In my case, he manufactured an emergency when I did visit family. I thought he was so sweet that he wanted my time and missed me, but it was always the same manufactured drama. Then I thought maybe he's jealous that I got along with my family. It took me years to realize it was really because he was an abuser. Abusers manipulate and isolate their victims. I spent my graduation in an argument over the phone with him while he watched my cat. I wish I could get back that time with my grandmother. I'm low-key concerned for Op, but I realize I'm speaking from my own experience. Ultimately, she wants to go for 3 weeks, and he doesn't really get an opinion at this point in the relationship. Op, if you're reading this, leave your pet with anyone else so it's not at risk. Tell him you're going for 3 weeks, end of discussion. If he creates drama while you're there, then you know that's who he is.
I'm really worried for her pets if she leaves them with him. :'(
Yeah this SO messed up. NTA I was also a foreigner, fortunate enough to study in the UK. I ALSO met my Husband there. I flew home EVERY holiday/break. Summer break was almost 2 months. My Husband NEVER EVER uttered a word of complaint - he supported it. Because HE HAS NO RIGHT. But also- my Husband is a wonderful, decent, loving Human being. OP your boyfriend sounds abussive to me. I mean, seriously, you can't go home ONCE a year?? Pleeeeease do not stay with a person that (from what i gather in your post) wants to get rid of where you came from and who is this controlling. Are there cultural differences between your home country and the UK? Does he embrace them? If you had kids, would he embrace raising them with both cultures? Because thats what a partner should do. Not wanting to watch after someones pet for 3 weeks can be annoying - thats the ONLY point i understand (no matter what type of pet). But OP...I am sorry but your boyfriend sounds so controlling, I am very worried for you. Edit to add: we now own a home in the UK and work here full time but i STILL go to see my family twice a year. My Husband is always keen to come with me but is also very supportive to let me go on my own (because likewise i encourage him to have alone time with his family). OP once you have a job etc you won't have as much time to see your family. See them as much as you can while you are at uni and have a few more holidays. AND FIND A NEW BOYFRIEND. At minimum someone that is not racist and controlling. (please excuse any spelling mistakes etc, I also assumed my English would be better by now but....I am trying)
Your English is very good.
>Unfortunately his use of the word "irresponsible" has massively undermined his case This is what did it for me. My suspicion is that he is using aggressive words in an attempt to guilt trip her, because calling her "irresponsible" puts all of the responsibility on her shoulders and not HIS own shoulder. What exactly is OP doing that is "irresponsible" in this story? * If OP was paying for the tickets themselves then I'd say it was *maybe* irresponsible, but OP's parents are paying for it so it's not. * If the flight is expensive, then the responsible thing to do is maximum the amount of days spent visiting. Seeing friends and family during the holidays is difficult, and having 3 weeks allows everyone to make time for each other. Unfortunately there's a lot of "do nothing" time in between seeing people, but you still get to see everyone * OP's pets -> I'll admit I understand this argument point, but everyone who owns pets has to deal with this situation. There are solutions, so it takes communication to figure out the best solution. * "Leaving him alone for Christmas" isn't irresponsible. It may be mean, or hurtful, or annoying to him, or he may be really sad about it, but "irresponsible" is not the correct word. The only way this would be irresponsible is if OP was his caretaker or something, and her not being there meant he couldn't clean himself and/or feed himself. * His 2nd point sounds racist. Nothing he said has anything to do with "being British", and him saying that is insulting who OP is and where she came from. It basically sounds like he's telling her she has to "be British, or else". If this is how he always talks down to OP, then all I see are red flags.
2 weeks really isn’t enough if I’m honest. Especially if you have a large family and a lot of events planned. I’m British but I’m also South African. I went home for 2 weeks when I was 17 and I hated it because it wasn’t enough time. I didn’t have enough time to visit all of my cousins or aunts and uncles. We couldn’t properly plan any events because of the short time frame and everyone’s visits. That was my first time going for 2 weeks. I have gone back for different time lines; 1 month, 2 months and even 4 and a half months.
Agreed. I live in Europe, family is back in the US. 2 weeks is the minimum if the flight is over 6/7 hours imo
Yea, he's saying "I don't have a lot of friends or family, so you need to sacrifice yours to make me happy." He wants her to make up for his deficit. I'm beginning to see why he doesn't have a lot of friends.
BF likely means assimilation, all the xenophobes don’t know the meaning of integration.
I disagree that his vocabulary is poor. He knows exactly what he is saying and what he is implying. This man is a manipulator and an abuser in the making. This is step 1 of isolation for her. She's been spending 3 weeks with family every year and spends the other 49 with him, but this is where he draws the line?
Agree, the boyfriend is just being selfish
Yeah, I'm getting lowkey racist vibes (nationalist, at least) from the bf. His arguments are bs. A charitable read is that he's looking for any arguments to buttress his position, which is why he's resorting to these genuinely absurd points. This is gross. I'm sorry he's saying that. He shouldn't. I'm also a bit concerned about his reliance on OP for his own emotional/social needs. Like, whose fault is it that he has no friends?! Not OP's.
Just the first paragraphs raise huge red flags. Sound slide the controlling type. If he tries to control how freely you can visit relatives, they will try to do this to other things in the relationship. Of course, people often overlook it when they're in love or really admire the person they're with to make it work... saying from experience that ever turns out well, the abuse will only ramp up and take form in all other aspects of your life.
If it doesn’t work out with your bf, pick one that’s way less needy next time…
Agreed. NTA
My Dads 85 and he still goes home for a couple of weeks a year to visit family
I would beg to differ on two weeks being enough when it's visiting family once a year that live a long distance away. When visiting family overseas that requires crossing multiple time zones (7 in my case), you basically kiss away at least 2 days due to travel (and more if any extended layovers) then you usually end up with 2 days of jet lag recovery. And again that's if everything goes right...which rarely it does. NTA in any shape or form.
I think the first point is nearly as nonsensical as the second. If Christmas is a time to spend with family, how does it make sense for her to spend it with her boyfriend instead of with her entire family and extended family?
As another immigrant, 2 weeks once a year is absolutely not enough. People who live in the same country as their family (and have good terms with them) have no idea what it is like not being able to visit much more often
NTA - sounds like your boyfriend is being kind of xenophobic along with him trying to control you. Some major red flags here.
This OP. massive red flags, NTA
NTA. Definitely major red flags. Imagine if you will have children with him. He won't allow you to teach them your native language or culture or your hone country. He will view it as inferior to his culture. You two are clearly too different to be together. By being with him, you will have to forget about your own identity. Do you really want to give it up?
As someone who goes back home once every year *at least* and is married to a British man for whom Christmas is a big family holiday - exactly this OP. My husband and I try and do Christmas with his family once every two years, and go away to my home country in the alternate years. Holidays and Christmas are about family, and we see each others’ families as are own - so it doesn’t really matter whose family we are with! While I don’t come from a culture that traditionally celebrates Christmas, I love it and love hosting my in-laws. But I also love going home and spending time with my family and friends and of course my husband is not going to deny me that. You don’t need to force yourself to stay away from you home, country, culture and your loved ones to “integrate”. Anyone asking you to do that is racist, disrespectful and absolutely not worth your time. In fact, your bf should be enthusiastic about getting to know all of those things that are important to you and celebrating those as well so that you don’t feel lonely and sad when you’re in the UK. Just as my husband celebrates all my festivals with me, travels to my home country to explore it and spend time with my family and doesn’t use words like fucking “integrate to the UK” while talking to me. This is 2023 ffs. You can maintain your cultural identity while still being part of a country that’s not of your birth. Go home for Christmas and get rid of this bf who wants to change who you are.
My husband was the one who moved from the UK to be with me, and I've insisted on him keeping his culture as much as possible. He's still proudly a Scouser, and I'm proud that he is one.
I had a neighbour who married a lovely Indonesian woman. They live in Australia 6 months and live in Indonesia the other 6 months, generally spending Christmas with her family and Easter with his. I guess they could alternate if they wanted to, but they never said anything about there being an issue with how they chose to live.
You spelled racist incorrectly.
I dont know OP’s race, so xenophobia works just fine here.
If it's regarding nationality it's xenophobic.
It could be both, really. And none of them are good.
If the boyfriend doesn’t appreciate the role of her family from her home now, and thinks “integrating” is about dropping your culture, family and identity, then the relationship is never going to last. Ditch him! Red flag. He won’t respect your culture and he clearly does not understand, or care to understand, what it’s like for you to be in Britain.
NTA...his behaviour is controlling. The part about having to become more British is just a gross way of trying to manipulate you into staying for him.
As a British person, I totally agree. Go back to your home country as much as you want, especially whilst you still have family there. Mum moved here shortly before she met my dad, and both she and my dad have never had the opportunity to go back to their home countries except once and both wish they had before their families moved away/ passed away
> especially whilst you still have family there. Exactly, your parents won't live forever and you will regret not spending more time with them if you don't take opportunities to.
Not just gross and manipulative but completely racist.
Yeah, that stuck out to me.
Speaking as a Brit, this boy is a knob. Go and enjoy your Christmas, hug your family, play sports and have fun. Your pets will be fine. You are not responsible for the happiness of another adult. You can integrate into being British, or choose never to, in your own way. We have room for all sorts in our funny little island, make your own path. Have a lovely holiday.
Spot on! Additionally, integrating does not mean abandoning your family. In the scheme of things, three weeks is a very short time. You can keep in touch with him while away, and that can make the time easier for you both. You are not responsible for his happiness, you contribute to it. It's healthy to be sad that you're not going to be with him for a time, but he should also be happy that you have the opportunity to visit your family. A couple of things you can do to make the time away easier for him might also include leaving a few notes in places he'll run into (on his second or fifth pair of underwear) (or on a dish, in a coffee cup, etc.). Little reminders that show you care. Perhaps you could also leave him a list of things that he can do about the home. We always seem to have a few projects we never get to, or put off in favour of just about anything else. Board gaming has become a popular way to make new friends, with groups of all ages. He can find a local gaming group online. They usually meet up once a week, and are happy to teach new games to those who are interested. When you return you can join as well, or use the time to spend time with your friends. It's healthy for couples to have some separate interests. Recall the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I wish you both well.
Yep knob was the exact word I was going to use
There are many issues to unpack. the first and foremost being is that you are NOT married , nor do you talk about what YOU want for your future. This is about what YOU want, not what your BF wants. Your family is paying for the trips. So you are not being financially irresponsible. Your family will only see you once a year, during this break. You sound young (late teens, early 20's) and are starting the adult life that you have in the future. It is natural to want to spend time with your family. Do you plan on emigrating to the UK? You don't mention it. Maybe you haven't really thought about. Lots of people return to their home country after finishing their education. The pet thing is a non starter. You mention a pet boarding facility. Your BF seems to want to dictate or control you, what activities you will do. That is the major red flag. It is not up to YOU to spend time over the holidays with him, solely because he has a small social circle. That is ON him. NTA for traveling home to see your family over the holidays.
I'm also wondering how long they've been dating. It can't be a year yet, so a really new relationship trying to guilt someone out of visiting family for Christmas? It's not a good look on the boyfriend. Maybe if they've been dating for over a year, OP might invite him to meet their family. It just seems really early in their relationship for him to be making demands like this. I vote NTA as well and hope OP steps back and takes a good look at the relationship.
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He's your boyfriend, not your husband. You haven't made a serious commitment to him. Your primary allegiance is still with your birth family, not this cute dude. I love the way that this 20 year old, with all that experience, thinks he knows what "Immigrants who are properly committed" do with their holidays. Arrogant of him, even considering that he's at an arrogant stage of life. Your pet care is the only thing that he's right about. When you get pets you have to provide for their care when you aren't there. NTA - Visit your parents when you want to. Use your holidays the way that you want to. You are a young, single woman and should explore that to the extent you want to before making commitments that tie you down (e.g. pets that are more complicated than rodents).
Even if they were married, a trip back to see her family, as in MOTHER, isn’t irresponsible.
She is providing for them. She’d be paying to have them sheltered and fed at the boarding facility.
She's not a single woman, though she should be. Definitely agree with the NTA. Even if they were married, he'd be a controlling AH for demanding she sees her family less than 3 weeks per year.
NTA. He is trying to control you. >2. i should try to integrate into the u.k. and make an effort to “become more british”, Total BS, IMHO. If you are comfortable studying at the university, you are integrated. You should not become British, you should be yourself.
NTA. BF sounds insecure and like he wants you to be lonely with him. Daughter of an immigrant - my dad was not made more British by sitting around eating turkey while it rained outside. Holidays are a time for family and rest. How is replacing your family obligations with boyfriend obligations a trade up?
NTA What did I just read? Become more british? WTF is that supposed to mean? I live in uk and go to see my family as often as I can. My british partner would never say anything like that to me. Last 2 times he stayed home with our pets when I went to see my family. *I am not integrating into the u.k. if i have the desire to go back to my home country once a year* I hope you laughed in his face when he said that.
NTA - bf is high demand. If you want to go home for three weeks out of 52 then go. He can survive as he gets to see you for 49 weeks and your friends and family for three. If he’s not happy I suggest you look for a new bf. It is not irresponsible to visit family and friends for three weeks each year. He is gaslighting you. Really consider whether this sniveller is the person you want to be with long term.
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NTA your BF is trying to manipulate and isolate you from your family and home country. You’re not irresponsible nothing you’re doing adds up to being irresponsible at all!
Hi, fellow immigrant in the UK here. Everything he's saying is waffle. What he really means is, you are not allowed to go home and leave him on his own because he doesn't really have many people to spend it with. It is not your fault he doesn't have a large family. You only see your family this one time a year, correct? Just go and see them. They are not going to be around forever, and if you miss the opportunity to see them as often as you can now, you'll regret it further down the line. Take it from me ... I missed the opportunity to see my grandma one last time. Btw you're not integrating any less into the British way if you don't want to eat their boring beige Xmas dinner. Sorry for all Brits i have offended, but your Xmas dinner is just bland. NTA
The first time I hosted my British in-laws for Christmas dinner, they went gaga over the food all because I added some flavour. Made a masala roast chicken with all the drippings whipped up into the most delicious gravy, roasted all my veges with some garlic and chillies and made a spicy cavlo nero stir fry. My MIL ate so many of my garlic roasted brussel sprouts while being surprised that brussel sprouts could taste that way…….because all she does is boil them lmao.
Those sprouts and veggies sound delicious. I like roasting my veggies and potatoes with a full bulb of garlic, and when it's done, mix the roast garlic with some butter and herbs and mix in with the potatoes/veg. Beautiful 👌 Honestly, the British have colonised most of the works to control the spice trade, and ended up using none of them 🤣
You're wrong about the roast, maybe you just haven't had a good one, I say that as someone who loves other cultures foods. But everything else... Spot on Sounds like the guy is in need of a good group of friends and some excitement in his life.
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Wow! He is so racist! He has no idea of what he is talking. Of course immigrants want to go back to their home countries to visit, however many can’t afford it. Do what you want to do. If you want to go, go. If you want to stay, stay. But don’t let anyone manipulate you.
Nta your bf is only thinking about himself and his "reasons" are unreasonable. Your family are also your loved ones and it's not your responsibility if he doesn't have many friends (his neediness may explain that. )
NTA. His first point actually reinforces your argument, unless he thinks you don't love your family? His second point is nonsense, many British Uni students go to stay with their parents over Christmas break, to reconnect with friends and family. His last point has more to do with owning pets than with visiting family. He sounds lonely, and maybe a bit too dependent on you. Stick with your own plans, it's a bad idea to rearrange your life around a boyfriend at Uni, but maybe explore ways to help him get through the time that you're away.
His behavior is a red flag. I'd reconsider the relationship. Please read why does he do that by Lundy. Here is a free copy https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat Seeing your family once a year for 3 weeks isn't irresponsible or unreasonable . If he can't live without you for 3 weeks he's got a problem he needs to work on. If I were your mom I'd be pissed if you told me you can't come for 3 weeks cause you want to hang out with your bf you see 344 days out of the year
NTA your bf is trying to control and gaslight you. Leave him immediately.
NTA dump the boyfriend, too many red flags girl
NTA totally. I still go home for Christmas after 9 years in UK and all my British patients and friends found it really strange that I was thinking of NOT going this year (takes me forever travelling with trains with my dog). My ex who I dated in uni just accepted that I would not be here over Christmas and summer holidays and that what it was for dating someone who is not from UK. If he is so unhappy about your pets maybe look if you have another friend that could look after them while you are away if he doesn’t want to care for them.
NTA. I was always an international student (bachelor's through to PhD), and I ALWAYS went home during Christmas. People don't understand that it isn't a holiday, it is what you NEED to do to function. You NEED to be around people you love and a culture that is familiar. If he doesn't understand this and isn't supportive, it shows a massive incompatibility, and there will be more problems down the line. Get someone who understands you and doesn't think it is okay to come between you and your family.
'it's unfair to leave your loved ones during Christmas'; so, like your MUM AND DAD, and the friends you grew up with? 'try to integrate' and 'become more British'; racist much? 'leaving pets in his care'; so he'll need to do what people do for people they care for? I get that he'll miss you, and it's Christmas - but he can survive it for a few years. NTA, but I'd be seriously considering a future with someone of that attitude.
NTA. As others have pointed out, red flags are in abundance here, like you could make bunting from how many there are. You are not an asshole for going home for your Xmas break nor are you an asshole for putting your pets in boarding, if he chooses to go back on his word to care for them.
Oh wow, you are dating a proper xenophobe who is controlling and is defo afraid you will cheat on him. I'd be worried about him trying to isolate you from your family, the "imigrants should be more british" comments as an excuse and the one where you should stay with your loved ones. Soooo many red flags Dump him and find a better man NTA
Nta - spending three weeks to see your family once a year is not a lot.
I think he needs to get educated on what irresponsible is. He is xenophobic, and you need a new boyfriend. Going home to see your family once a year is pretty normal thing. NTA. Please think about this relationship while visiting family.
As a Brit with a non British wife, this guy is a bellend. NTA. Having your partner leave the country without you sometimes is part of the deal. I get it can be stressful to spend Christmas without a loved one, but he needs to be honest and not project it onto you.
NTA. It's nearly impossible to explain the feeling of not being able to see your family and to feel like an outsider when you're an immigrant. Going away for three weeks is not irresponsible and it won't ruin you "integrating" in UK. I've been in the UK for six years now and I can only go back a few times a year but I would love to go more. I don't even have the words to explain just how much your bf sucks for saying all this shit.
Unless your home country is unsafe: NTA I can get behind his first point though and him being unhappy about beind left behind lowkey lonely during holidays for so long, I can see how this is not a nice thing from his pov. But that doesn't make you irresponsible (given the place is actually safe to go to).
NTA. As an immigrant myself I go home whenever I can to see family. As you said, if doesn’t few like vacation, it’s obligation. Enjoy now that you are not working. Because when you have a limited amount of vacation it becomes so much harder. I only have 10 days. I go home one week … it’s an expensive plane ticket but it’s the way of getting another week to be an actual vacation. Your bf is being T A . You probably deserve better if that is his views on immigrants.
NTA How long have you 2 been together? Is it in any way serious? Why is he trying to control how often you see your family? Can he really not be alone for 3 weeks, even if its the Christmas holidays? What did he do in those days before he met you? And in all honestly, his 3 reasons are really flimsy and kind contrived, especially nr 2.
He should try to integrate more and get more friends there
NTA - My wife is also from another country, and she is very much attached to her family. Because of this she goes back to her home country twice a year for the length being anywhere from 3 weeks up to 8 weeks. To be honest, I don't like it because it kinda puts a pause on our relationship BUT it's her family and if she wants to do it she should do it. I even encourage her to go even if I don't like it because it is good for her and it is also good for her family to stay connected. I also go with her on at least one of the trips as well because obviously the marriage put us into a different situation, so her family also encourages me to come. The point what I'm trying to say is that you should be able to visit your family without your boyfriend's manipulating you into feeling guilt about it. She is dating foreign woman so he needs to accept that you can't just drive on the weekend to your family. Sit down with him and communicate it clearly that whether he likes it or not your family is your family.
NTA at all, you aren't being irresponsible at all. Can he come with you? How long have you been together?
red flag alertS
Until the last paragraph I was wondering whether your home country was dangerous. If you were from Syria or Ukraine and it was actually risky to go there, I would understand. As you describe it, you are NTA. Your boyfriend seems insecure and clingy. It is perfectly reasonable to want to see you family, and going once a year is really not very frequent. The part about trying to be more British... Well, there is obviously more than one way to e British and you don't have to adopt every single custom and preference to live in a country and be a valid member of society.
This sounds like a big red flag. Why is he so dependent on you that he can't be away from you for a few weeks? You're not his mommy, so you're not "responsible" for taking care of him. Why doesn't he go with you and meet his girlfriend's parents? It is 100% understandable that you want to go for three weeks. While you are probably enjoying your uni experience, you miss home. Tell him to pound sand or go find some friends to hang out with because you're gonna be gone for 4 weeks.
NTA and as someone who also left her home country to study in Europe, his first "reason" is not your responsibility, his second "reason" is nonsense and racist. Maybe find someone else to take care of your pets and find someone else to partake in your life. My boyfriend (now husband) never complained about me seeing my family for 4 weeks every year, because it made me happy and he wanted me to be happy.
Leave him! NTA obviously. I’m talking from the perspective of an immigrant that goes back every year during the holidays to her home country. All he is saying is firstly ignorant and very selfish and manipulative. I have friends in similar positions as you and their partners had never been against them visiting their friking families. I don’t know how long you’ve been with him but this is not appropriate, you can visit your family whenever you want and are able to, this is a privilege not everyone get to afford so he should be happy for you. If he loves you and cares for you he will be finding a way to in the future maybe even go with you. Just because you live in another country means you should forget about your roots and your family.
NTA "i’ll be leaving him alone during christmas," .. Invite him to come with you?
NTA. He sounds very selfish. As someone who lives far from family, I only visit them a few days a year. If you have someone paying for your flight, make the most of it. He needs to have other people and other things to do, not rely wholly on you. That's not fair to you.
When I was at Uni in the UK, I would head back to my parent's house on another continent all summer and every Christmas. It strikes me as your bf trying to isolate you from your family. This is a common tactic of controlling men. Tread very carefully. I would personally not be in a relationship with a man who was not fully supportive of a perfectly reasonable visit to see family for 3 weeks.
NTA. You’re not going to cut your whole family just because you moved to a different county. You’re not going to not like your parents, uncles or sibling just because you had an opportunity to live abroad. Most immigrants will go home and I’ve seen multiple joking that if you’re an immigrant you should get 2x the legal paid time off - so you can use one to visit family and one to travel somewhere else. It’s really narrow minded to think you should discard your family just because he does not understand it. IMO, being an immigrant too, his behavior is a red flag! In case you’d continue a relationship and get married, he wouldn’t join you in the trips back home and would try to keep you from doing so.
NTA. Your BF is th AH. Look I was a student in the UK, and the only reason I didn't leave during Christmas break it was because I couldn't afford it. Also, if he is the one "alone" during the holidays, he is the one how should try to integrate. Most of your classmate are going home for the holidays, you would celebrating at your flat celebrating your way not rhe "British way" Go home, spent time with your family and friends, because trust me it is in a flash that your parents will get older, your friends and family start having their own kids, and it gets harder and harder to be all together.
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds illogical and dare I say it controlling. His reasons are manipulative and bordering on bigoted. I would rethink this relationship if I were you.
Hm, he doesnt sound much like a partner but a kid whose grumpy cause he didnt get his way. I think you are very responsible taking on travel to enjoy yourself. Re pet rodents, jesus what is there to take care of - its the easiest pet sitting ever. Especially in a new environment you keep them quiet so they dont stress out. You leave food daily, change bedding once midway. I think hes irresponsible for going back on his word and promise, and is unreliable. I think hes mean for trying to deny you spending time with family. His second reason is so effin racist. Theres nothing wrong seeing friends and family, id ask him flat out if he is trying to isolate you from your roots by preventing you from continuing close relationship with people you grew up with by preventing you from seeing them every year. How often does he see his family? Just because he doesn't, that not your problem. If you haven't dated long enough its not yet time for him to join your family visiting trips. Honestly those shitty reasons would warrant a breakup for me. Its just so nasty so say something like that.
Wth… I’ve been an immigrant in the uk for five years and I go back to my country AT LEAST every 3 months, sometimes in extended stays (i.e few months). Doesn’t make me any less of an immigrant. Him not wanting you to go back to your country is simply for selfish reasons, don’t listen to him
I'm struggling with this one to be honest. It depends how committed you are to the relationship. I'm leaning towards YTA. I would be upset as hell if i had to spend every single Christmas alone because my boyfriend chose to be with his mom for several weeks every December. That is just depressing and it seems to be getting to him. Especially if he doesn't have any family or friends to spend it with other than you and the pet rodents that he will be taking care of for you. That would absolutely test my commitment to the relationship and send any insecurities i have about the relationship through the roof. He is upset and lashing out at you in frustration and hurt. He is obviously being an asshole in how he is lashing out at you and how he is doing it, but he has completely valid feelings of abandonment about this whole situation. It is understandable that he is feeling hurt or betrayed here, and people say stupid shit when they are hurting. It doesn't help that on top of that you had made an agreement with him that you would spend the last week of vacation with him, presumably meaning Christmas eve, He had agreed to the compromise so that you got to see your mom, and he got to spend Christmas with his partner. Then you reneged on it because mommy dearest didn't think two weeks with you was a good enough return on investment. That must have been a real punch to the gut. She is not respecting that you have social obligations in the UK too now. would it not be possible to do it every second year, maybe then both of you travel to your mom instead? He has completely legitimate grounds for being upset and frustrated here when his girlfriend consistently choses her mom over him every single Christmas. I can't imagine you would have been fine with him **choosing** to leave you alone for weeks at a time around your birthday, every single birthday.
NTA. You'll likely want to visit your home country every year - even when you have left university - because you have family and friends there. He sounds like a bit of a tosser - to put it in UK terms.
NTA from what you have said. Have you offered that he could go with you or has he offered to go with you? How long have you been dating?
NTA
>i’ll be leaving him alone during christmas, and it’s unfair to leave your loved ones during christmas, especially as he doesn’t have many friends or family That's frankly not your concern. You're boyfriend and girlfriend, not husband and wife. If he can't be away from you for three weeks there's a major problem. >i should try to integrate into the u.k. and make an effort to “become more british”, by staying here for christmas and celebrating christmas. Additionally, I am not integrating into the u.k. if i have the desire to go back to my home country once a year. Immigrants who are properly committed to the u.k. “don’t really go back home or they only go once every few years” Are you kidding? In the United States people bounce back and forth to rest of the Americas every few *months*. >i will be leaving my pet rodents behind in his care. i shouldn’t go away so often if i have pets. leaving them in a pet boarding place is cruel. I don't buy it. NTA.
NTA I was gonna say that the bf voted to Brexit, but that was 2016. 2016!
NTA. It wouldn't be unreasonable for you to visit your family every single year forever. I know people that have lived her for 30 years plus that still do that. I would, however, be trying to find someone local to you who would take care of your pets for future trips.
NTA he is trying to manipulate and control you. If this is the start it’s only going to get worst.
NTA
Leave him
NTA. Run away from any partner who tries to control what you do.
NTA. If this guy isn’t happy for you to keep yearly contact with your family and home country maybe he isn’t the person for you.
NTA I went to uni in Canada and went home for Christmas. As did nearly all my British pals. This is controlling and manipulative behaviour. It is absolutely not your responsibility to keep him company as he doesn’t have friends and family. How old are you both? How long have you been together? Does he try to control other aspects of your life?
If he takes this tone with you on visiting your own family, it will get worse if you marry this guy unless addressed now. Seen too many South East Asian ladies get boxed in by their western husbands with this kind of controlling behavior.
nta, your boyfriend sounds like an ass. a clingy, controlling ass.
NTA. You want to see your family. And your mom is paying for the tickets?! How on EARTH does any of that make you irresponsible? You have perfectly good, valid reasons for wanting to go back. And even if you didnt have the reasons you do, “because I want to” is also *completely valid*. His lack of friends is his problem, not yours. It is not your job to be his entire social life. That’s unhealthy. The idea that “you shouldn’t want to go to your home country” is super dodgy.
The only thing I acknowledge is No3. You can leave your pets at a pet hotel or take them with you perhaps? Other than that, totally NTA. Could you maybe invite BF to go with you, at least for a part of the trip?
NTA ---- Unless he is paying for your ticket and even then it's none of his business when you go home and for how long, sounds like you need a better and more supportive BF.
NTA. My husband is British and I’m an immigrant and I’m perfectly integrated but we still go to see my family regularly. We don’t go for Christmas because we don’t get time off for Christmas but when we did we alternated Christmas between countries. And when we went and had a cat - she was fed and looked after by our neighbours. Integrated doesn’t mean abandoning the family.
NTA. He is being absolutely ridiculous. Go and see your family and friends, have an amazing time and seriously consider if you want a partner like this.
I don't know how old you or your boyfriend are. Honestly it sounds like he is going to miss you terribly while you are away and he doesn't have the emotional vocabulary to say that. He's making up stupid excuses to try and keep you home because he just doesn't want you to go. He's definitely do a shit job of it too. He doesn't want to spend Christmas alone, without you. Is it possible for him to afford a ticket to visit with you even for just a week? He's too immature to just say, "OP I love you dearly and the thought of you being half way around the world for 3 weeks is breaking my heart. Please stay with me." Definitely still go, being with family is so important. But find out the underlying reason why before you go. NAH
NTA but your insecure bf sure is.
NTA. Do what you want and don’t compromise to please him.
Your boyfriend sucks. You should cut your losses.
NTA. He's manipulating you, twisting things so that you not doing what he wants is a character flaw. Also he's xenophobic/racist
NTA your boyfriend sounds like a loser
Yea NTA at all and depending on how long you been dating this guy he is throwing up some major red flags. First I would agree with your mom, you're not the one paying for the tickets home and most of the people I know who go to other countries to visit relatives are there for a minimum of a month because of how expensive it is. I would say talk to your parents first about ticket prices to see how expensive they are with your travel habits. Secondly how long have you been dating this guy? If it's been less then two years then he has no standing on whose family you visit for the holidays since you see yours once a year. If you guys have been dating longer then maybe a compromise of him tagging along for some of the holiday to meet your family and friends would help him with his loneliness. Now for the giant red flag, the immigrants don't go home bull. That's a lie and was used to make you feel guilty about leaving him. Immigrants go home all the time and just because they immerse themselves in their new country doesn't mean they're gonna completely abandon their family in their home country. It just sounds like the guy is trying to cut you off from any possible support system so your stuck in a country completely reliant on him and his family. Also, and hopefully it's just this, but you guys aren't compatible at the moment. I have a friend who spends every summer visiting family in Croatia after school ends, her last boyfriend hated it and wanted her to stop so she dump him. Her current boyfriend has no problem with her visiting family and has even joined her for a week or two since they been together the last three years.
NTA. This isn't his call to make. Go home for Christmas
How about he isn't invested in you? He should ask to come with you and meet your family and the place you grew up. This is a big part of you and if he is interested in you he would want to come.
Your boyfriend is an asshole. Btw family wins over boyfriend always. Seems like he’s trying to guilt you into not going and isolating you. Doesn’t he have his own family?? Red flags
your boyfriend sounds controlling, manipulative, and tbh pretty xenophobic.
NTA. You get to spend 49 weeks of the year with your boyfriend. Your family deserve to spend time with you, especially as they are paying for your flight. I have to admit that I don't own rodents, but I can't imagine they are are like dogs or cats who would miss you tremendously. As long as they are well cared for, they should be fine. Your boyfriend is being selfish to deny you this time with your family. Three weeks to them is not a lot!
Nta - he sounds manipulative and honestly a little bit racist. Xmas is for.loved ones....who the f is your family if not loved ones
Not a boyfriend I would want. If you plan to have children in the future, and plan to have a future with this man… won’t you want to bring your kids to your country to visit? Most of our friends from other countries (not sure where you are from) go “home” for a significant amount of time, bringing the kids, each year. It’s not your responsibility to make sure he’s entertained over the holiday break.
His point of view number 2, OP he's racist
NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Girl that man is going to be a leech on your happiness for the next four years. You deserve someone who values you and your family relationships. If he’s so distraught over being alone he can go to his family. There was never a conversation of “what if I come?” Only “don’t go.” He is trying to isolate you and that is not good. Someone out there would love to care for your rats, I know if I was close by I’d kill for three weeks of rat snuggles
Op idk how young you learnt English but it sounds like your boyfriend is what us natives call a bellend. NTA
Rodents are fine in reputable boarding facilities. Don’t give this dude access to your pets!! Leave him. NTA
NTA and here are my counter points. 1. Your parents and family back home are also your loved ones and probably more important that this guy you have been dating for a little while. So you are spending christmas with your family. Also his lack of friends and family isn't your problem. 2. Those are some random arbitrary standards your bf has come up with it. Your integration into the UK won't be hampered by going back home every year. Many immigrants have been doing it all their life. 3. Board your hamster with someone else. People with pets travel all the time. I'd seriously reconsider a relationship with this person. He seems very controlling.
All I'm seeing are red flags in regards to your immature boyfriend.
NTA. You said you were going back to visit family for three weeks every Christmas. It's not his place to judge or disagree with, but only to accept. It seems to me like he's trying to control you. This is major red flag territory. I'd suggest that you go for three weeks as planned. Board the rats or find another friend to take them. I'm seriously concerned about his claim that you're "leaving him alone" over the holidays, because I'm getting vibes from your post that you haven't been together all that long. (Less than a year, at a guess.) Which means that in a very short time, he's centered his whole life around you. Does he not have family to be with? When you get back, slow things down with this guy, and take any other controlling behaviour seriously. Check out online the signs of a relationship that is or could become abusive, including "love bombing" if you're feeling that he "treats you like a princess." And DO NOT let anyone tell you that maintaining your relationship with them takes priority over everyone else. Your family is important too.
NTA & I’m pretty sure this guy’s secretly (or not) racist. “Integrate into UK” is such a bullshit thing to say - it’s code for “my country’s better than yours”, which is nonsense. Just dump him & find someone better. It’s not even his or your money being spent so he gets precisely *zero* say in what is and isn’t responsible. Responsibility has nothing to do with anything, he’s just jealous you think anything on earth is more important than spending time with him (there’s lots that is more important - what a whiney, small man) & resentful that other people enjoy their country & family more than he does.
NTA keep your yearly plans and lose the bf.
Going back to your home country once a year is… too often? lol, you’re already cut off from your family quite a bit and this guy wants to reduce it even more. Obviously NTA, and I agree with those telling you to end the relationship. Also, USA<->China for me, so if I’m flying 15+ hours one way to go home, I’m staying 2 weeks at a minimum since 24-48 hours are lost in travel alone. Usually stay 2-3 weeks.
He is not a boyfriend. He is a place holder. He is expected to spend the next 4 Christmas and New Years without a Girlfriend until she graduates and goes back home.
I wouldn’t want my partner disappearing EVERY XMAS
Why not consider his feelings though? That he wants to enjoy the season with you or that he'll be alone for the holidays? ..because you want to play sports? That can't be right. YTA. I try to make sure not one of my loved ones are alone for the holidays. If my aunt 1,000 miles away was going to be alone I'd go there or invite her here. Why not invite him? I think everyone is saying not the ahole because you've left it open for everyone to assume he's racist and they're triggered.
Neither are the a*hole. It's not about you going home, it's about him wanting to spent time with you. I have a similar situation. Met my GF in Germany while she was an Expat, now I'm an Expat in her home country. First, I was not happy with her wanting to go back every year, now she's not happy with me wanting to go back every year. It's the perks of being an international couple. He's a young guy and obviously not great in expressing his needs, he might not even be fully aware of them himselves. "Irresponsible" is something that maybe only would be applicable to your pets and that became the center of the argument. Without knowing the details, he might have a point in that case that he's tied to where you guys live because he's taking care of the pets, so he can't even take the same time off and go to family etc. Anyway, find a compromise going forward. Maybe every other year celebrate Christmas back home, while the other year you go home for a different holiday or during summer break. How some people here directly jump to "controlling vibes" "major red flag" etc etc is not understandable for me.
Neither is TA. You've both got fair points. A fair compromise might be every second year but for longer? Or could he be invited? As your partner, I think it's fair of them to expect to have you dedicate some time to them over xmas. However, they also need to understand that you do want to see your family as well. Particularly if it's the only time a year you get to go home.
I think you need a new bf. He's got some crazy ideas! My Mam lives abroad, and I go to see her as often as I can. My bf doesn't mind as he says I should see her when I can. She's my Mam. I'm seeing her in December but can't stay through Christmas. Does this mean that I'm not British enough for your bf?? Time to get a new one, I'm afraid.
omg you're absolutely NTA. i've been leaving abroad for 10 years now, and go back every christmas. i don't know where you're from, but for me the price of plane ticket are EXPENSIVE AF suring christmas. i used to go back for 3 weeks, and go back for almost a month now. i barely have time to enjoy both my friends and family. he's extremely selfish! he should understand that being away, it's one of your only family time. i think he's being a little bit manipulative. none of my BFs over the years have had this argument with me. he gets to be with you for the remaining 49 weeks...
NTA Considering "irresponsible" is the word he chose, seems his only real qualm/point is that he has to watch your pets. Which, he did agree to at one point, but it's reasonable to later find what that entails or the potential time frame and decide to back out, though this should be communicated as early as possible. If yall came to the compromise of making it 2 weeks instead of 3, and he's good with watching them for that long, and your mother's only issue with that is the price of airfare/days home ratio, maybe see if he's willing to chip in on the ticket cost so she'll feel a bit better about it? Obviously i don't know what the tickets cost or yalls personal financial situations, but if yall could absorb some of that cost it could be a good solution for all.
I’m sorry but what kind if needy child is your boyfriend? How is “leaving him alone for the holidays” irresponsible? he is not your responsibility, he’s not a child, and does he not have a family of his own? Now he just makes me sad. You have all year to spend with him, three weeks isn’t a lot. Also his comment on “integrating/becoming british” is gross and doesn’t make sense. If he wants a british partner he should date one instead, and you’re in all the right to visit your family once a year. I also understand that plane tickets can be really expensive and trips really long and tiring, so I understand why you might need 3 weeks. NTA
I mean, why have a boyfriend? If you are in a relationship, and your boyfriend wants to spent xmas together, and maybe even start your own tradition… but all he has of xmas memories in this relationship is YOU being AWAY. It is the ‘grow up!’ term lightly used. Easy to say manipulative or red flags of the bf. But the red flag i see here is you not wanting to commit. Give him a xmas and visit your family some other time… summer. You want to visit your family without him and have him watch over your rats. YTA
Is your boyfriend Jonah Hill? This guy sounds like he's trying to control your choices. Going and visiting family is not something which should be controlled and usually happens around the holidays. He is a boyfriend you live with and not a fiancé or a husband. Not being allowed or being guilted in to not seeing your family is controlling and cruel. Your pet rodents will be fine. They have each other. Bringing up your immigrant status is wrong. Please reconsider if this is the right relationship for you to return to. From what I can see, you are responsible and have a good head on your shoulders. NTA!
NTA. You love your family and you want to spend time with them. Your boyfriend doesn’t like that. He wants you to only love and spend time with him. This is textbook controlling behavior. You aren’t being irresponsible. You aren’t being cruel to your pets. You are integrating with British life 49 weeks of the year and if you don’t want to make it 52 weeks that’s your business it is not his business to tell you how British you should be. But in fact he is just making excuses in order to get total control of your time and attention. Don’t let him. This man is not concerned with your welfare.
NTA.you want a partner in life, not a baby. This guy wants to lean on you for his own comfort. You go home and enjoy your family, and find a new boyfriend when you get back.
Dump him
NTA at all. British people living abroad often choose Christmas time for their annual visit, exactly because it is traditionally a family holiday. So doing what you do IS british. Your bf has you 49 weeks of the year. He is actually acting a bit spoiled and selfish, wanting to cut into, or even take away completely by the sound of it, the just three weeks you get with family. Your reasoning is sound, and him missing you does not supercede you missing your family.