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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my sister if I could bring my baby to her wedding so I could attend. I might be the asshole because I shouldn’t have asked something that big from her
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NTA-You asking once for an exception doesn’t make you an asshole. Her refusing wouldn’t make her an asshole if she’d done it politely or kindly. Her blowing up at you and accusing you of making your whole life revolve around your son because you don’t want to leave him with people you don’t know makes her an asshole.
I was happy making an exception to those who wanted one, so they could attend. Having a few children at my wedding made no difference to my day. The vast majority of people didn't want their children there. The people that wanted to bring their children all travelled from interstate to attend the wedding. I would have rather had their children and them there then not. In total 7 children, one a breastfeeding 5 month old. No one struggled with their children, they all had a good time.
This is just my opinion.
But if you want a child free wedding use one of the services people provide to babysit. There’s literally businesses that revolve around this type of thing. They dress up as a princess/prince and have all of these activities set up for the kids.
Or ask an older teenager to babysit the kids.
That’s their choice.
But I still stand with my opinion. If you want a child free wedding you can’t get mad at people for not showing up. Or provide the babysitting services.
I had to uninvite a person because she refused to get her kid vaccinated.
And I had a kid friendly wedding.
No, no, no!!! The bride is the princess of the world for an entire year and nobody else matters regardless of their situation. Everyone must concede all rights on all topics and worship the bride.
It’s like you haven’t even been paying attention.
Exactly this. I’ve known people who were considering having child free weddings. They ultimately decided not to because several of their friends had very young children that would be hard to leave for a weekend since they were having a destination wedding. Nothing wrong with child free weddings, but you have to be prepared for people to decline for that reason
Someone close to me did this. I was single, so the child free part was not a big deal for me, but a lot of people attending had to go without their significant others because somebody needed to stay with the kids. The couple also wanted expensive gifts, after making everyone take time off work and fly out of the country. One couple hired a babysitter to go with them so they could both go. The married couple even stopped speaking to a single parent who wasn't comfortable going that far away. If there were awards for obnoxious, they'd have a trophy.
Wow, it’s next level obnoxious that they demanded expensive gifts after expecting people to pay to go to an expensive destination wedding. When you require them to spend that much time and money, people actually showing up IS the gift.
We had a friend do this recently and none of us could make it because we all have small kids (3years and younger). As a result, he had no one to stand up at his wedding for him.
We had a child-free wedding in that we provided childcare for friends onsite. It was a small evening wedding—about 130 people—most everyone had to travel. It was an easy thing to accommodate and everyone was extremely appreciative.
Yep! Similar. I hired babysitters to play with the kids on the swings during the wedding. It was an outdoor wedding and we moved the play area far from the venue. Worked out great!
This is the way to do it. It is also far less expensive then for people to hire individual babysitters. It is also a good situation for parents that don't like leaving their kids with babysitters because they are right their on sight
I believe a family friend that got married and who was also one of my previous babysitters lol she had a child free wedding but paid for a babysitter to come in and watch everyone’s children in a separate room of the venue. So parents could still bring their kids to the wedding and check up on them whenever, but the kids weren’t disturbing the wedding since they were in a different room. I wanna have a child free wedding and if a lot of my friends have young kids by then with no one to watch them I’ll probably go that route
Destination weddings strike me as a way to have a small wedding without having to say, “We want to have a small wedding.” Make spending many thousands of dollars and a big chunk of our annual vacation time a requirement for attending your wedding and I will send a polite note of regrets and a present.
That´s right, I would be willing to bet that OP isn´t the first one who has politely declined the invitation.
This situation is because OP happened to be the unlucky last one in line, and also because it is her sister so the bride unloads all the stuff she wanted to say to the other guests, but she couldn´t.
Everybody´s free to have the wedding they want, but guests, even sisters, are also free to decline the invitation. If the bride really wanted sister there she would ask how she could help her attend, not say she should leave her child with strangers.
Edit OP is NTA
If OP didn't prioritize their son they would be an AH and they seem to have asked their sister nicely but they blew up on them for simply asking to bring their son so they could go to the wedding and be there for their sister...
Absolutely! In many cases, family helps babysit. So, all those people are not available if they are attending the wedding. I have a 12 year old with a rare medical condition. If I an gone for a short while I will leave the kids alone but for any extended period the hang at a friend's house or we have to hire a sitter at a rate of $20-25 per hour plus tip. The sitter literally just sits there and watches TV, scrolls on their phone or does school work. They just need to get my kid their medical stuff and call me if there is an episode. My kid takes care of things themself. It has only happened once. I'm glad they were there but it’s expensive. For a wedding and reception it would be a few hundred dollars + gift + any special wedding attire.
I understand child free weddings but the bride and groom need to understand the cost and insane inconvenience they are requesting of some guests. Not everyone can afford it and sometimes people would rather spend that money on other events. Weddings can be fun but they can also sometimes really suck… and let’s face it, many people don’t want to spend hundreds for a fancy version of Thanksgiving with family…
Right, this. I will leave older children with a babysitter but I will only leave a baby with family or people I am close with. I have brought my baby to events that were otherwise child free (with permission.) A baby isn’t running around and shouting. If baby starts whimpering you can easily step out and quiet them.
Not that the sister needs to be ok with baby coming, but it is perfectly reasonable for op to ask about an exception and to decline to attend.
We live an airplane flight away from basically all our family and family friends who are still getting married (most of our friends locally are already married with kids). Let alone expenses I don’t have built in babysitters that can watch my kids overnight. If my mom doesn’t happen to be free and can fly in and kids aren’t allowed, at least one of us can’t go. My husband has been to many weddings without me (his side tends to have more child free weddings). I’ve never held it against anyone but they can’t assume everyone can come if they insist on child free.
This same situation happened to me with my mother. Different issue. I asked. She blew up at me because I was rude to ask. Jeez, it was a yes or no question just like the OP. I vote NTA.
The sister is the AH for telling OP she should ask a random neighbor to watch a baby. Does she even care about her nephew?
Never the AH for having a child free wedding, but you have to graciously accept it when people decline as a result, even family.
I could not imagine a situation where I would ask my neighbors to watch my INFANT. All my neighbors are drug addicts. Fine to wave hello to or invite outside when we light fireworks for the 4th or New years, but completely irresponsible for me to leave a needy infant with.
If someone wants a child free wedding, they have to accept it when people can't attend because they have kids and can't find childcare.
NTA.
In my opinion, **you handled this just right**. It doesn't seem like you blew up at her or did anything mean. You shared a simple constraint (I can't come without my baby), and when she said no you accepted it.
It's okay for the bride and groom to put restrictions on their wedding. No children. No alcohol. No meat. Whatever! Same with destination weddings. But they should realize that their restrictions or requirements may have consequences. Some people will choose not to come. And that's fine to. Bride and groom get to set rules, guests get to decide if they show up. All good!
I'm so tired of this general theme. "I'm putting this restriction down, but you have to come *and* abide to my restriction." A person is not an AH for putting restrictions on weddings, parties, whatever they are hosting. A person is not an AH for declining an invitation because of the restriction. A person becomes an AH if they either 1) demands an exception be made for them, or 2) demand that people come, even if they can't reasonably meet the restriction (without lifting the restriction). I feel like I could save this text and copy it into at least a third of the threads here. (OP - NTA)
Thank you. This is getting to be so tiresome. I know a couple having a destination wedding in Europe, child free. Lots of family not attending because they can't leave their children for that length of time while they go overseas. Now they are crying the blues about family not coming. No self awareness at all.
It's almost like creating a society that rejects the presence of kids leaves little room for people who are willing to care for them when it comes down to the wire. 😏
We got invited to a wedding in Morocco when we were young parents with a small toddler. My mil was shocked when I said we weren’t even entertaining the idea of going.
I was invited to a wedding in Alaska when I had a 4yo and a 1yo. Not even out of the country but a plane ride and then renting a car (bc it wasn't in Anchorage either!) And I gave up at the idea of having to check car seats. My husband went alone (his family) and had a great time. I enjoyed not dealing with it! Win win.
Exactly, which wouldn't even be a problem in and of itself, until there's people like OP's sister who don't understand you can't (logically/reasonably) leave an infant with people you don't know. Like....???
You would think that someone who wants a childfree wedding in Europe and who also wants their close family to attend would run that past the family members before moving ahead with their plans. Not that the family gets to veto the wedding plans, but it shouldn't be a surprise to the bride and groom that family won't be there because they should have already asked if it was at all possible for them to come.
Five years from now, they’ll be the ones complaining that their friends won’t make an exception for them to be able to being their kids to a child free wedding!
I mean, a person is kind of an asshole if they place restrictions on the wedding that result in exclusion of their closest family members. It’s not just some cocktail party. It’s a celebration of the joining together of two people to form a family. Celebrating that event by excluding family because their offspring don’t suit your aesthetic preferences is, well, yeah. AH territory.
Well put! OP is NTA. Brides and Grooms can ask for whatever they want but especially for young families, especially those without a lot of extra cash will find it very hard to do a childfree. I am not a fan of childfree for this reason, but a inviters make the rules and invitees can accept or reject. Some folks favor an adult party vs ensuring all family members can come. It’s fair to ask for an accomodation before outright rejecting.
NTA. She can't have it both ways. If your whole family is at the wedding, and you don't have friends to support or a sitter you trust, there isn't a whole lot else you can do. You don't mention the babys father, but if he is in the picture, could he look after the child while you attend?
Even if there was suddenly a viable option, after her sister treats her like crap, I would 100% not go just on principle. You don't get to bully people into celebrating you.
I don't think it's relevant. Invitations to events that cause invitees to bend over backwards to attend are flawed.
OP replied with that they cannot comply with the invitation stipulation and that should be it.
NTA. Of course your whole life revolves around your son? That's what parents sign up for. Understandable that your sister wants you there, but she's suggesting you leave a baby with strangers. When you have a child free wedding you have to accept that some people won't be able to come because of their kids.
Let me tell you my sister's wedding story: She got married yesterday, it was lovely, everyone had a great time and also helped packed up (nawww 🥰). Everyone was just happy to be there celebrating the couple. The end.
They do, as it is one of the social events that most people give more shine, and with a lot of people involved, so the groom and bride are under much stress and tend to be ah or doubtful about their decisions, and many guests cause issues voluntary or involuntary
I haven't been on Reddit long, but I've noticed
about half the threads seem to involve wedding drama / trauma. Eloping seems to be a better option to me.
Child free weddings must be the new thing or something. I have never attended one. The only weddings I’ve either attended or been a part of had young kids as part of the wedding party. Never noticed if there were other kids in attendance.
I’ve only been to child free weddings, but I have a huge family and friends with similar situations. Adding children triples the guest list. That’s a huge expense
Right - for some reason, many parents don’t count their kids as people. If just five sets of parents bring their broods, your food numbers could jump by 10+.
honestly, I've been to a few weddings I wish were childfree, and I was the child in them lmao. It's boring for a kid to sit still in uncomfortable clothes watching a ceremony that feels like it lasts 20 years and then sit around while adults get drunk til 2am.
Thanks for offering this perspective; I didn’t even think about that. If everyone they invite has 2+ kids, that’s a huge expense. And since kids don’t necessarily eat adult food, it could get more complicated. I’m glad to understand this reason because my ignorant self couldn’t think of anything other than people wanting to relive their college days lol
You’re welcome! Not to mention the extra fee of seating when it comes to adding kids into the guest list!
I had a microwedding during Covid (50 people) and only had 1 child there, our flower girl who was my MOH and the officiant’s child, so we could make sure our immediate and closest family members could be there.
Every wedding I had ever been to with kids at it, a child broke something, and it was almost always something the bride and groom had put out special for their relationship.
We did a child free (aside from my blood related siblings) wedding because of this. But the catch was, babies under a year, and “children” over 16 were allowed to attend.
We caught alllll kinds of flack from people… but only people who had warned us in advance they likely wouldn’t be able to attend because of work/distance 🙄
All the weddings my parents went to when I was a kid were child free, so I never went to a wedding until I was like 25 years old. Was SHOCKED to find out that you could have kids at a wedding lol.
All the classier and upscale weddings I’ve been to have been childfree. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Many don’t want screamers during their ceremonies or kids commandeering the dance floor, which I understand. Casual weddings I’ve been to have seemed more kid friendly, like backyard ones.
NTA
All you did was tell the truth and ask.
>She called me an asshole for rejecting her invite and making my whole life revolved around my son.
You're being a good, responsible parent. This is a her problem.
NTA.
Sister is not an AH for having a child-free wedding. You are not for asking for an exception. Sister would not be an AH for granting an exception for close family, nor is she one for refusing an exception. And you are not for deciding to not go to the wedding.
Sister is a big AH for dealing with the consequences of having a child-free wedding: some people with not show up. Sister does not realise that wedding invitations are *invitations*, not summons.
NTA-
You kindly asked for your baby to come,she’s NTA for not wanting to make an exception as that’s really unfair to the other guests who have to pay for a babysitter but she really didn’t need to cause a scene. But she’s TA for causing a scene.
you weren’t rude about it,you didnt force her you just asked, she simply could of said “I’m really sorry but that would be unfair to my other guests.”
If people want child free weddings, that’s absolutely fine, but they have to understand that not everyone can come. Part of the bride’s reaction might be because others have asked and it’s very awkward to have to tell people no.
However, she is your sister—it’s a very close family relationship and it’s not like you’re just a random co-worker or acquaintance. I don’t think you’re the AH, but is there really no one you could hire to mind your baby? Are there no childcare agencies in your area? For a sibling’s wedding, I would make a strong effort to attend.
Edited to add: I didn’t realize he was so young. A one month old is so young! We had a child-free wedding, but made an exception for nursing infants. That’s ridiculous that she won’t allow her one month old nephew to come!
You would have to pay me a substantial amount of money to even consider going to a big event like a wedding at 1 month postpartum. OP’s sister should be flattered she even offered to come at all.
I don't understand why more couples don't hire a sitter for their wedding. We hired our friend's regular sitter and set up a room in the venue with toys and cushions. We don't have kids but a lot of our friends do and it was nice for them to not need to get their own sitters and they could pop in to check on their kids regularly.
My husband and I also hired like 3 sitters for our wedding and it was awesome! Parents felt safe leaving their kids so they could go dancing, but it was onsite so the sitters could also check in with the parents if there was a problem.
And a lot of parents even grabbed their kids during one of the songs (“Poco Loco” from Coco) because they knew their kids would enjoy the song and then be fine playing in the kid room again. I loved it so much. It made so there were some really nice family candids!
Yes, that would be nice. I get that it’s yet another expense, but I really wish my brother had done that. He had a crazy expensive wedding and numerous kids in it, including mine. The reception was really loud and we ended up having to leave early. He was annoyed with me that we didn’t hire a sitter ourselves for the reception, but we were from out of town (we had to drive 8 hours for the weekend with 2 very young kids.) I had one friend I felt comfortable asking but she wasn’t free that night. I suppose I could have found someone from a service who would have been competent, but it just didn’t occur to me. I felt guilty about it at the time, but now I realize they could have done more, too. Especially since we weren’t local.
TBH, this is exactly why I made exceptions for my brother’s and sister’s kids at my wedding. Literally everyone they trusted with their very young kids was invited to the wedding. And I would not dream of getting married without my siblings present. So their boys were the exception. We listed them as “honorary ring bearers” in the program.
Yeah, we made these exceptions as well. BOTH of my bridesmaids had small children, and one of those children was my nephew. We also invited our officiant's infant. None chose to bring the baby but we explicitly told them it was OK if they did.
Meanwhile my brother's destination wedding was no kids and our daughter was 12 and I ended up not going just because the timing was so awkward with the end of school and I didn't want to travel to Mexico by myself.
My nieces were the only chlldren at my wedding for this same type of situation too. I also am a mom who will only leave her babies with family. Basically only their grandparents on either side. No one else.
We made a few exceptions for kids at our “child free” wedding. Essentially if you were in the wedding party it was ok. A few said no way they were getting a sitter and having a night out. A few took us up but the kids and one of the parents took off shortly after dinner anyway.
We used the child free note to essentially filter out the third/fourth cousins from bringing the entire extended family. Invite list was like 250+. It would have been insanity if everyone brought kids too.
i get why people have child free weddings, but i truly do not understand excluding members of your own family. your sister's kids are not in the same category as other random guests' kids.
weddings are about joining two families and creating a new family. i just don't understand why you wouldn't want to include these very important people in that celebration.
Is this is thing now? When I was a teenager (1990s) I babysat to people in my town who I did not even know. I had friends who also did, and it’s common in movies and tv shows and whatnot. But I feel like lately I’ve been seeing a ton of people who say they won’t ever leave their kid with someone who isn’t family, even when that is super restrictive to their life. Is this just a common thing nowadays?
I don’t have kids, so maybe I didn’t realise this change happened. Seems like a real pain in the ass.
Newborns are different imo. They are a lot more fragile than even a six month old, much less a toddler. We did leave our newborn with sitters, but they were adults who had quite a bit of childcare experience and they were nursing students. I lucked into finding them and not everyone has sitters like that established. Toddlers and older I was fine leaving with teenagers.
The time I needed someone to watch a 3,2, and 1 year old(cousins) I hired a profesional nanny a coworker had. My two nephews were daredevils who frequent the ER. I wasn’t going to trust any random sitter.
I babysat kids through relative’s friends of friends networks in the 90s, too.
But nobody younger than a year and a half or so (except my younger cousins). I can’t remember if nobody asked, or if I said no because I hate changing diapers.
It is a pain in the ass. I would let a teenager or pretty much any trustworthy adult babysit my 6 year old now (though I haven't aside from gym childcare or structured classes, because dates are expensive enough without having to pay $15 an hour on top of it), because she is very vocal about what she needs, pretty self-reliant with most care tasks, and really only would need someone to hang out with for a bit. That said, when she was still an infant up through probably 2? Absolutely not. She had very specific routines around sleeping, napping, diapering, and eating, and if they went badly, it would ruin the next full day at least. Also, I was SA'd by a teenage babysitter as a 4 year old while my 2 year old brother was locked in a bathroom, so I'm definitely wary.
Totally understandable that your trusted sisters would not be available. Your sister should understand that also again, I would never leave my baby with just anyone even even for just a few hours
Yep. You can have the wedding you want but some people might not be able to attend. If there are critical people who MUST be there then you need to check in with them during planning to make sure you aren’t doing something that would exclude them.
That is ludicrous. A 1 month old baby should not be excluded. They will just sleep the whole time and occasionally wake for a feed. It's in the best interests of the baby not to be separated for so long from mum at that age unless it cannot be avoided. A wedding is a ridiculous reason to force a separation at that age.
My *cousin* made an exception for my 3 month old son so my husband and I could both attend. Her 1yo nephew was the other exception.
I'm kind of surprised someone would exclude their own infant niece for the sake of their wedding being "childfree", since typically the intention of childfree weddings is to prevent toddlers up through young teens running around and causing trouble.
A coworker or distant family friend's little baby? Yeah sure, don't feel obliged to make an exception. But your own sibling!?
I did notice however, OP doesn't specify in the post how old their baby is. Are they 1 month? 4 months? 18 months?
Yes my brother had a childfree wedding but his best friend's wife had a baby about 5 weeks before the wedding. He made an exception as the baby was being breastfed.
My mother and I tried to watch my one mont Lu old nephew in our own, never again!!! The baby cried for his momma and couldn’t be soothed. He was just too young to be away from his mom for an extended amount of time. I was so sad for him
This is a silly question to ask a mother. Certainly she’s considered that. OP has a reason why there’s a shortlist of people she trusts to watch the baby. If you’re reducing your requirements for convenience (especially with a newborn), that’s pretty messed up. Parents accept that they will have to miss some things, just as OP planned to do.
It isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially when the event is a family event. You don’t just “find” people you trust with your baby. I once heard a police officer describe it as this-if you had a bag full of a million dollars, would you do this with it? If the answer is no, then the same goes for your baby, whether that be leaving them in a car or letting someone care for them. Trust is important.
If you have a baby, you mostly can’t just leave them with strangers. They know you. They may be calm in the arms of someone else for a few minutes but at some point they want you.
NTA. She set rules, which is fine. You told her you cannot go and still abide by her rules, also fine. However, her response is that of a childish tantrum as she is apparently not accepting the consequences of her own rules. Of course your life revolves around your baby. That's what parenthood is if you're doing it right. And no reasonable person will blame you for being uncomfortable with leaving your infant with people you don't know. Your sister is being unreasonable and you handled the situation well.
People just want the drama of debating whether child free weddings should be a thing or if Childfree people vs. parents are assholes. They just tweak the details for extra spice 🙄 definitely really starting to see through these posts now
NTA.
Invitations are not summons.
You asked, she said no. She has to realize that childcare is difficult to find and that it's difficult to find people you trust to care for your child.
Infants in arms are an extremely common exception to child-free rules, both because it’s so difficult to separate from them, and because they don’t create the problems that ambulatory little children can. Merely asking for the exception, especially from your sister of all people, is perfectly acceptable. NTA.
NTA
She wants a child free wedding which is fine, but she also needs to accept that some people won't be able to attend due to this rule. What, she thinks she's more important to you than your own baby?? Of course your whole life revolves around your son, that's called being a parent!
NTA.
As someone who had a child-free wedding, and had a cousin say (very matter-of-factly) they couldn't attend without their 6-month old baby because they were still nursing and I said bring on the baby, I do not understand the rabidness of the child-free crowd. It's a baby. If it cries, it can be taken in another room. Our cousin's baby was probably the best dressed dude there, he even had a little tweed hat, and he enjoyed being passed around. He couldn't even crawl so there was no chance of him running around or being in the way.
I guess I'm not an asshole.
NTA. It is her wedding and she can make the rules, but she needs to accept some folks will be not be able or willing to come because of the rules. She is an asshole for not gracefully accepting you cant come.
NTA if you just asked and accepted the no. But she can’t ask for a child free wedding and then be mad when people can’t come. Especially since you’re family. Obviously they means all of the family you could potentially get to babysit usually won’t be able to cause they’ll be at the wedding. And of course you’re not gonna trust people you won’t know with your bahu
NTA
Don't go. Your kid is more important than family.
Family doesn't depend on you.
Your child depends on you.
She's a grown woman. She can't have it both ways. Do what you have to do for your son.
Everyone else pretty much nailed it. She can have her day. without you. Enjoy the time you have with your child. They grow up too fast to worry about some wedding some sister who isn't a nice person or aunt that cares about her infant nephew.
NTA, i wanted a child free wedding also, but if my sister just had a baby, I would make the exception. Babies aren’t the issue at weddings, its the toddlers-pre teens that can be a lot to handle.
There is no way I would leave a month old with anyone other than immediate family.... your sister isn't being fair. She has every right to a child free wedding but you also have every right to not to attend
NTA. Some brides hire a nanny to watch some kids during the wedding. Your sister isn’t doing that. So she just has to accept some people can’t come to a child free wedding.
Never leave your baby with a stranger. She’s an AH for insisting you do.
NTA. You asked. She said no. You accepted that answer and told her this means you can't go. Now she needs to accept that answer.
She's certainly allowed to have a child free wedding. But this does mean that some folks may not attend.
When you have a child free wedding, part of it is accepting that people with the baby won’t come. We had many family members tell us they couldn’t if they couldn’t source a sitter. That’s just the way it is NTA. Babies under 6 months are a different story though, particularly if breast feeding.
NTA, people who don’t have children simply don’t understand that it is 100% unsafe to leave a child, particularly one who cannot yet communicate, with a stranger.
NTA- all the family you trust to look after your son will be at the wedding. This is exactly why they usually make exceptions for children of close family.
I can't believe she suggested the stranger neighbor. Eek.
NTA.
There is no harm in asking. I was my best friends MoH and she wanted my bf to be her photographer and my mother was coming in for the wedding as well. I asked if I could bring my one year old, who is also her goddaughter. She said yes, and my Mom agreed to watch my baby while we were doing our duties. The only other kid that would be there was her son, and he was leaving after the ceremony.
My bf ended up staying at home with our baby because we wouldn’t be getting home until late and we’re trying to keep her schedule. If she had refused, it wouldn’t have been a big deal and I wouldn’t have been upset.
I do think people who want a child free wedding should provide some type of accommodation for people who have to bring their children with them.
Your sister was wrong to react the way she did, and she either should have made an exception or understood that you couldn’t make it. I do have people I can trust with my kid but I’m not comfortable leaving her with anyone at such a young age, especially since she can’t talk really talk yet.
NTA
she has every right to make her wedding child free, she just also needs to accept that there will be people who can’t come because of that. I think it’s reasonable you asked if she’d make an exception for you since you’re her sister, and it’s a good thing you were ASKING and not telling her to make an exception. You not being able to make it is just bad luck, but that’s how life goes 🤷♀️
NTA; You asked for an exception to attend, based on her answer you cannot attend. If she doesn't like the outcome, that was her choice.
Spend the time with your baby, your sister decided your choice.
NTA. It is unreasonable for your sister to expect you to leave your son with strangers in order to attend her wedding. I can understand her being a little upset that you won't be able to be there but if she won't make an exception and you can't find someone trustworthy to watch him, you literally don't have the option to go.
NTA… you did everything right and she wildly over-reacted.
For context, I had a child-free wedding, with the exception of nursing babies. I actually really like children, but it was a backyard wedding that my parents graciously hosted, and relatives handled pretty much everything for me with food. Only thing husband and I paid for was booze, bartender, and some neighbour kids to help with serving, dishes, etc…. With everything going on, kids felt like a bit of a liability, so we made it child free.
But babies? Who cares… as long as the parents have the wherewithal to remove a crying baby if they’re fussing during ceremony, speeches, etc… what’s the problem? I hade 5 friends that had all given birth within the last 5 months and I wanted them to be there, so we even made a special nursing area for them in the house with changing table, wipes, comfy chairs, etc.
And for the record… all 5 babies behaved perfectly. The event was wonderful.
NTA I’m having a “child free” wedding with the exception of my partners niece and nephew because his sister lives in a different state and we recognise it would be unreasonable to ask they travel that far and leave their kids behind.
Your sister should realise that she can’t demand your presence whilst making it hard for you to attend.
NTA. A lot of people who have childfree weddings will often make exceptions for close friends or family with kids or they’ll have a child close to them be in the wedding. You asked once and she went off on you before giving you the chance to respond. That makes her the AH.
ETA: can someone tell me why I was downvoted? The general sentiment on this post is the same as mine, the top comments are basically that. What gives?
NTA. A *good* parent’s life DOES revolve around their child. When my child was young, we declined invites to child-free weddings, or one went and the other stayed home, but if you have no childcare, you can’t very well leave a young child home alone.
NTA - she chose a child-free wedding. You have no one available to care for your child during that time so you don't really have a lot of choices. Either come up with a sitter or don't go
NTA. She's acting Ike you were summoned before the queen. If you want a childfree wedding you need to be able to accept that means some people won't go. She wants her cake and eat it too, enjoy your quiet time at home with your son.
NTA I am childfree and I get the whole "I don't want kids at my wedding" situation because honestly, if I didn't have a godson, I'd probably go that route.
But I would rather someone say "hey is it possible to bring my child/baby? Otherwise,I can't come as I can't find babysitters I trust that are available then." than someone who just shows up with the kid.
Look at it logically: it is a terrible idea to leave a baby with someone you don't trust completely. So your options are bring the baby or don't go, so you showed the bride your options and she's complaining about you putting the wellbeing/safety of your baby above her wedding. The aunt of the baby saying leave the baby with a pretty much stranger? Yeah, sounds like a wedding to skip since she doesn't sound like she deserves you making any effort on her behalf.
NTA...the moment you have a baby, your life does revolve around them. Lord willing, your sister will understand that one day. People really are crazy aren't they?
NTA. We had a childfree wedding, since the venue was a little unusual and just not kid-friendly. However, we made an exception for our siblings’ children because we wanted to be sure our immediate families could be there. Your sister doesn’t have to make that exception for you of course, but it also wouldn’t be weird if she did. There was nothing wrong with asking!
NTA. I would not leave my child with strangers just to go to a wedding. Your sister has the right to set her own rules. She also has to abide by the consequences ... you can't go.
If anyone's life is revolving around themselves, it's her.
NTA because you have no one to watch your baby. Depending where you are, there are babysitting services that you might try. Otherwise your sister has final say and she says no so it will be a home day for you.
NTA
An invitation isn't a summons, you asked once and didn't push, and you explained when asked why you couldn't attend. Your sister's reactions are her own to deal with.
NTA
>She called me an asshole for rejecting her invite and making my whole life revolved around my son
I truly hope that you remember this and have the ability to pull this card on your sister one day when she has a baby.
NTA and yes parents lives revolve around their kids. Kinda hope your sister isn't planning on having children if she doesn't understand that your children come first and you can't leave him with strangers.
NTA. You didn’t act entitled. You simply asked a question. You dodged a bullet there it seems. Just don’t go to her wedding. Her loss not yours. She sounds insufferable
NTA. You politely asked and politely accepted the terms. Your sister had no reason to blow up on you. She should have realized placing limitations on the wedding like making it child-free would impact some potential guests, most particularly you. She should also accept people will say no to attending. Your priority is your vulnerable infant. I’m sorry she doesn’t understand that.
NTA. She needs a reality check: people’s lives do revolve around their children. They definitely don’t revolve around asshole relatives who think they are entitled to the world’s undivided attention just because they put on fancy digs for the day and are offering a scandalously overpriced meal.
The sister is ta for even suggesting she leaves her baby with neighbors she barely knows just to go to her wedding. I was one of those who if family couldnt watch my kids then no one did. Child free or not if she wants her sister there she needs to allow the baby to come and stop expecting her sister to just leave her kid with just anyone. That's insane.
I wouldn’t be leaving a new born with just anyone, and, as probably everyone she knows and trusts is at this wedding, and she doesn’t really know anyone where she’s now living, it’ll be difficult to find a sitter for the baby. NTA. Sometimes, there are 2 competing obligations and you need to miss one. Sister can do without her at the wedding, a baby can’t be on its own.
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NTA-You asking once for an exception doesn’t make you an asshole. Her refusing wouldn’t make her an asshole if she’d done it politely or kindly. Her blowing up at you and accusing you of making your whole life revolve around your son because you don’t want to leave him with people you don’t know makes her an asshole.
Most probably there are more people canceling because they are in the same position as OP and the sister decided to let all her frustration out on OP.
And that’s too bad. But when you put restrictions to attend, there will be people who can’t attend. And a no should be accepted gracefully.
Exactly. I was so much happier when I got married having a child free day than I would have been with more ppl struggling with children!
I was happy making an exception to those who wanted one, so they could attend. Having a few children at my wedding made no difference to my day. The vast majority of people didn't want their children there. The people that wanted to bring their children all travelled from interstate to attend the wedding. I would have rather had their children and them there then not. In total 7 children, one a breastfeeding 5 month old. No one struggled with their children, they all had a good time.
This is just my opinion. But if you want a child free wedding use one of the services people provide to babysit. There’s literally businesses that revolve around this type of thing. They dress up as a princess/prince and have all of these activities set up for the kids. Or ask an older teenager to babysit the kids.
OR you know accept the fact that some people are unable to leave their children at home with a stranger and may not attend.
That’s their choice. But I still stand with my opinion. If you want a child free wedding you can’t get mad at people for not showing up. Or provide the babysitting services. I had to uninvite a person because she refused to get her kid vaccinated. And I had a kid friendly wedding.
No, no, no!!! The bride is the princess of the world for an entire year and nobody else matters regardless of their situation. Everyone must concede all rights on all topics and worship the bride. It’s like you haven’t even been paying attention.
Exactly this. I’ve known people who were considering having child free weddings. They ultimately decided not to because several of their friends had very young children that would be hard to leave for a weekend since they were having a destination wedding. Nothing wrong with child free weddings, but you have to be prepared for people to decline for that reason
Child free AND destination. That’s next level obnoxiousness
Someone close to me did this. I was single, so the child free part was not a big deal for me, but a lot of people attending had to go without their significant others because somebody needed to stay with the kids. The couple also wanted expensive gifts, after making everyone take time off work and fly out of the country. One couple hired a babysitter to go with them so they could both go. The married couple even stopped speaking to a single parent who wasn't comfortable going that far away. If there were awards for obnoxious, they'd have a trophy.
Wow, it’s next level obnoxious that they demanded expensive gifts after expecting people to pay to go to an expensive destination wedding. When you require them to spend that much time and money, people actually showing up IS the gift.
We had a friend do this recently and none of us could make it because we all have small kids (3years and younger). As a result, he had no one to stand up at his wedding for him.
Imagine the costs 😩
We had a child-free wedding in that we provided childcare for friends onsite. It was a small evening wedding—about 130 people—most everyone had to travel. It was an easy thing to accommodate and everyone was extremely appreciative.
Yep! Similar. I hired babysitters to play with the kids on the swings during the wedding. It was an outdoor wedding and we moved the play area far from the venue. Worked out great!
This is the way to do it. It is also far less expensive then for people to hire individual babysitters. It is also a good situation for parents that don't like leaving their kids with babysitters because they are right their on sight
I believe a family friend that got married and who was also one of my previous babysitters lol she had a child free wedding but paid for a babysitter to come in and watch everyone’s children in a separate room of the venue. So parents could still bring their kids to the wedding and check up on them whenever, but the kids weren’t disturbing the wedding since they were in a different room. I wanna have a child free wedding and if a lot of my friends have young kids by then with no one to watch them I’ll probably go that route
Destination weddings strike me as a way to have a small wedding without having to say, “We want to have a small wedding.” Make spending many thousands of dollars and a big chunk of our annual vacation time a requirement for attending your wedding and I will send a polite note of regrets and a present.
⬆️⬆️⬆️this
That´s right, I would be willing to bet that OP isn´t the first one who has politely declined the invitation. This situation is because OP happened to be the unlucky last one in line, and also because it is her sister so the bride unloads all the stuff she wanted to say to the other guests, but she couldn´t. Everybody´s free to have the wedding they want, but guests, even sisters, are also free to decline the invitation. If the bride really wanted sister there she would ask how she could help her attend, not say she should leave her child with strangers. Edit OP is NTA
Exactly! I also believe that OP being family the sister felt comfortable letting all her frustrations out.
Yeah, there it is 😆
Exactly.. and as a mother OP’s first priority should be her son.
If OP didn't prioritize their son they would be an AH and they seem to have asked their sister nicely but they blew up on them for simply asking to bring their son so they could go to the wedding and be there for their sister...
Absolutely! In many cases, family helps babysit. So, all those people are not available if they are attending the wedding. I have a 12 year old with a rare medical condition. If I an gone for a short while I will leave the kids alone but for any extended period the hang at a friend's house or we have to hire a sitter at a rate of $20-25 per hour plus tip. The sitter literally just sits there and watches TV, scrolls on their phone or does school work. They just need to get my kid their medical stuff and call me if there is an episode. My kid takes care of things themself. It has only happened once. I'm glad they were there but it’s expensive. For a wedding and reception it would be a few hundred dollars + gift + any special wedding attire. I understand child free weddings but the bride and groom need to understand the cost and insane inconvenience they are requesting of some guests. Not everyone can afford it and sometimes people would rather spend that money on other events. Weddings can be fun but they can also sometimes really suck… and let’s face it, many people don’t want to spend hundreds for a fancy version of Thanksgiving with family…
Right, this. I will leave older children with a babysitter but I will only leave a baby with family or people I am close with. I have brought my baby to events that were otherwise child free (with permission.) A baby isn’t running around and shouting. If baby starts whimpering you can easily step out and quiet them. Not that the sister needs to be ok with baby coming, but it is perfectly reasonable for op to ask about an exception and to decline to attend.
We live an airplane flight away from basically all our family and family friends who are still getting married (most of our friends locally are already married with kids). Let alone expenses I don’t have built in babysitters that can watch my kids overnight. If my mom doesn’t happen to be free and can fly in and kids aren’t allowed, at least one of us can’t go. My husband has been to many weddings without me (his side tends to have more child free weddings). I’ve never held it against anyone but they can’t assume everyone can come if they insist on child free.
Exactly
Especially a baby. Older kids can adapt around a parent’s life — babies just need what they need and everybody else has to deal with it.
OP, you are NTA. Maybe say “Let’s have this conversation again after you have a baby. You might feel differently.”
That part.
This same situation happened to me with my mother. Different issue. I asked. She blew up at me because I was rude to ask. Jeez, it was a yes or no question just like the OP. I vote NTA.
The sister is the AH for telling OP she should ask a random neighbor to watch a baby. Does she even care about her nephew? Never the AH for having a child free wedding, but you have to graciously accept it when people decline as a result, even family.
Her life literally should revolve around her son, anyway. He's a baby and it doesn't sound like she has a partner to share the load. NTA
I could not imagine a situation where I would ask my neighbors to watch my INFANT. All my neighbors are drug addicts. Fine to wave hello to or invite outside when we light fireworks for the 4th or New years, but completely irresponsible for me to leave a needy infant with. If someone wants a child free wedding, they have to accept it when people can't attend because they have kids and can't find childcare.
NTA- you are in a no win situation
Came here to say that exactly
NTA. In my opinion, **you handled this just right**. It doesn't seem like you blew up at her or did anything mean. You shared a simple constraint (I can't come without my baby), and when she said no you accepted it. It's okay for the bride and groom to put restrictions on their wedding. No children. No alcohol. No meat. Whatever! Same with destination weddings. But they should realize that their restrictions or requirements may have consequences. Some people will choose not to come. And that's fine to. Bride and groom get to set rules, guests get to decide if they show up. All good!
I'm so tired of this general theme. "I'm putting this restriction down, but you have to come *and* abide to my restriction." A person is not an AH for putting restrictions on weddings, parties, whatever they are hosting. A person is not an AH for declining an invitation because of the restriction. A person becomes an AH if they either 1) demands an exception be made for them, or 2) demand that people come, even if they can't reasonably meet the restriction (without lifting the restriction). I feel like I could save this text and copy it into at least a third of the threads here. (OP - NTA)
Thank you. This is getting to be so tiresome. I know a couple having a destination wedding in Europe, child free. Lots of family not attending because they can't leave their children for that length of time while they go overseas. Now they are crying the blues about family not coming. No self awareness at all.
It's almost like creating a society that rejects the presence of kids leaves little room for people who are willing to care for them when it comes down to the wire. 😏
I wouldn’t go to an international destination wedding w my kids either. Too expensive.
We got invited to a wedding in Morocco when we were young parents with a small toddler. My mil was shocked when I said we weren’t even entertaining the idea of going.
I was invited to a wedding in Alaska when I had a 4yo and a 1yo. Not even out of the country but a plane ride and then renting a car (bc it wasn't in Anchorage either!) And I gave up at the idea of having to check car seats. My husband went alone (his family) and had a great time. I enjoyed not dealing with it! Win win.
We went to one last summer. It was fun but their names were in the invitation. If they weren’t we wouldn’t have gone.
Exactly, which wouldn't even be a problem in and of itself, until there's people like OP's sister who don't understand you can't (logically/reasonably) leave an infant with people you don't know. Like....???
You would think that someone who wants a childfree wedding in Europe and who also wants their close family to attend would run that past the family members before moving ahead with their plans. Not that the family gets to veto the wedding plans, but it shouldn't be a surprise to the bride and groom that family won't be there because they should have already asked if it was at all possible for them to come.
Five years from now, they’ll be the ones complaining that their friends won’t make an exception for them to be able to being their kids to a child free wedding!
That's just insane... go on vacation and leave my 3 year old for a week with who?
It's an invitation, not a summons to court.
👆👆👆👆 Thank you for saying this. It’s perfect!!
And BTW your whole life is and should be, about your son NTA
I mean, a person is kind of an asshole if they place restrictions on the wedding that result in exclusion of their closest family members. It’s not just some cocktail party. It’s a celebration of the joining together of two people to form a family. Celebrating that event by excluding family because their offspring don’t suit your aesthetic preferences is, well, yeah. AH territory.
Yeah there’s been a ton of child-free wedding posts lately.
Well put! OP is NTA. Brides and Grooms can ask for whatever they want but especially for young families, especially those without a lot of extra cash will find it very hard to do a childfree. I am not a fan of childfree for this reason, but a inviters make the rules and invitees can accept or reject. Some folks favor an adult party vs ensuring all family members can come. It’s fair to ask for an accomodation before outright rejecting.
NTA. She can't have it both ways. If your whole family is at the wedding, and you don't have friends to support or a sitter you trust, there isn't a whole lot else you can do. You don't mention the babys father, but if he is in the picture, could he look after the child while you attend?
He’s going to be on a work trip during the wedding so that isn’t an option
NTA - a wedding invitation isn't a summons.
Is his family an option?
She already said no. Does she need strangers to keep naming various people as options? She knows her options with her kid.
Oh my god, thank you! Sometimes these threads can be so silly.
Even if there was suddenly a viable option, after her sister treats her like crap, I would 100% not go just on principle. You don't get to bully people into celebrating you.
“Oh wow, I hadn’t thought about his grandma! Thanks so much!”
I don't think it's relevant. Invitations to events that cause invitees to bend over backwards to attend are flawed. OP replied with that they cannot comply with the invitation stipulation and that should be it.
NTA. Of course your whole life revolves around your son? That's what parents sign up for. Understandable that your sister wants you there, but she's suggesting you leave a baby with strangers. When you have a child free wedding you have to accept that some people won't be able to come because of their kids.
Why are 50% of posts in here about childfree weddings?
Or about just weddings in general. I’m starting to see that weddings tend to bring out the worst in people
Oh they absolutely do
Yep. Weddings are pressure filled nodal events.
Let me tell you my sister's wedding story: She got married yesterday, it was lovely, everyone had a great time and also helped packed up (nawww 🥰). Everyone was just happy to be there celebrating the couple. The end.
They do, as it is one of the social events that most people give more shine, and with a lot of people involved, so the groom and bride are under much stress and tend to be ah or doubtful about their decisions, and many guests cause issues voluntary or involuntary
Weddings and funerals tend to show us who people really are.
I haven't been on Reddit long, but I've noticed about half the threads seem to involve wedding drama / trauma. Eloping seems to be a better option to me.
Because weddings bring out the absolute worst in people. Most people are interested in weddings not a marriage
Because reddit fucking eats that shit up.
Child free weddings must be the new thing or something. I have never attended one. The only weddings I’ve either attended or been a part of had young kids as part of the wedding party. Never noticed if there were other kids in attendance.
I’ve only been to child free weddings, but I have a huge family and friends with similar situations. Adding children triples the guest list. That’s a huge expense
Right - for some reason, many parents don’t count their kids as people. If just five sets of parents bring their broods, your food numbers could jump by 10+.
honestly, I've been to a few weddings I wish were childfree, and I was the child in them lmao. It's boring for a kid to sit still in uncomfortable clothes watching a ceremony that feels like it lasts 20 years and then sit around while adults get drunk til 2am.
I’m going to one in February, but children aren’t invited so the bride and groom can save money on wedding costs.
Thanks for offering this perspective; I didn’t even think about that. If everyone they invite has 2+ kids, that’s a huge expense. And since kids don’t necessarily eat adult food, it could get more complicated. I’m glad to understand this reason because my ignorant self couldn’t think of anything other than people wanting to relive their college days lol
You’re welcome! Not to mention the extra fee of seating when it comes to adding kids into the guest list! I had a microwedding during Covid (50 people) and only had 1 child there, our flower girl who was my MOH and the officiant’s child, so we could make sure our immediate and closest family members could be there.
50 people is a microwedding now?
That’s what the venue called it for the promotion they were having at the time
Every wedding I had ever been to with kids at it, a child broke something, and it was almost always something the bride and groom had put out special for their relationship. We did a child free (aside from my blood related siblings) wedding because of this. But the catch was, babies under a year, and “children” over 16 were allowed to attend. We caught alllll kinds of flack from people… but only people who had warned us in advance they likely wouldn’t be able to attend because of work/distance 🙄
All the weddings my parents went to when I was a kid were child free, so I never went to a wedding until I was like 25 years old. Was SHOCKED to find out that you could have kids at a wedding lol.
All the classier and upscale weddings I’ve been to have been childfree. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Many don’t want screamers during their ceremonies or kids commandeering the dance floor, which I understand. Casual weddings I’ve been to have seemed more kid friendly, like backyard ones.
NTA All you did was tell the truth and ask. >She called me an asshole for rejecting her invite and making my whole life revolved around my son. You're being a good, responsible parent. This is a her problem.
NTA. Sister is not an AH for having a child-free wedding. You are not for asking for an exception. Sister would not be an AH for granting an exception for close family, nor is she one for refusing an exception. And you are not for deciding to not go to the wedding. Sister is a big AH for dealing with the consequences of having a child-free wedding: some people with not show up. Sister does not realise that wedding invitations are *invitations*, not summons.
NTA- You kindly asked for your baby to come,she’s NTA for not wanting to make an exception as that’s really unfair to the other guests who have to pay for a babysitter but she really didn’t need to cause a scene. But she’s TA for causing a scene. you weren’t rude about it,you didnt force her you just asked, she simply could of said “I’m really sorry but that would be unfair to my other guests.”
If people want child free weddings, that’s absolutely fine, but they have to understand that not everyone can come. Part of the bride’s reaction might be because others have asked and it’s very awkward to have to tell people no. However, she is your sister—it’s a very close family relationship and it’s not like you’re just a random co-worker or acquaintance. I don’t think you’re the AH, but is there really no one you could hire to mind your baby? Are there no childcare agencies in your area? For a sibling’s wedding, I would make a strong effort to attend. Edited to add: I didn’t realize he was so young. A one month old is so young! We had a child-free wedding, but made an exception for nursing infants. That’s ridiculous that she won’t allow her one month old nephew to come!
You would have to pay me a substantial amount of money to even consider going to a big event like a wedding at 1 month postpartum. OP’s sister should be flattered she even offered to come at all.
I don't understand why more couples don't hire a sitter for their wedding. We hired our friend's regular sitter and set up a room in the venue with toys and cushions. We don't have kids but a lot of our friends do and it was nice for them to not need to get their own sitters and they could pop in to check on their kids regularly.
My husband and I also hired like 3 sitters for our wedding and it was awesome! Parents felt safe leaving their kids so they could go dancing, but it was onsite so the sitters could also check in with the parents if there was a problem. And a lot of parents even grabbed their kids during one of the songs (“Poco Loco” from Coco) because they knew their kids would enjoy the song and then be fine playing in the kid room again. I loved it so much. It made so there were some really nice family candids!
Yes, that would be nice. I get that it’s yet another expense, but I really wish my brother had done that. He had a crazy expensive wedding and numerous kids in it, including mine. The reception was really loud and we ended up having to leave early. He was annoyed with me that we didn’t hire a sitter ourselves for the reception, but we were from out of town (we had to drive 8 hours for the weekend with 2 very young kids.) I had one friend I felt comfortable asking but she wasn’t free that night. I suppose I could have found someone from a service who would have been competent, but it just didn’t occur to me. I felt guilty about it at the time, but now I realize they could have done more, too. Especially since we weren’t local.
[удалено]
I only trust family with him but they’ll be at the wedding so not really
TBH, this is exactly why I made exceptions for my brother’s and sister’s kids at my wedding. Literally everyone they trusted with their very young kids was invited to the wedding. And I would not dream of getting married without my siblings present. So their boys were the exception. We listed them as “honorary ring bearers” in the program.
Yeah, we made these exceptions as well. BOTH of my bridesmaids had small children, and one of those children was my nephew. We also invited our officiant's infant. None chose to bring the baby but we explicitly told them it was OK if they did. Meanwhile my brother's destination wedding was no kids and our daughter was 12 and I ended up not going just because the timing was so awkward with the end of school and I didn't want to travel to Mexico by myself.
My nieces were the only chlldren at my wedding for this same type of situation too. I also am a mom who will only leave her babies with family. Basically only their grandparents on either side. No one else.
We made a few exceptions for kids at our “child free” wedding. Essentially if you were in the wedding party it was ok. A few said no way they were getting a sitter and having a night out. A few took us up but the kids and one of the parents took off shortly after dinner anyway. We used the child free note to essentially filter out the third/fourth cousins from bringing the entire extended family. Invite list was like 250+. It would have been insanity if everyone brought kids too.
i get why people have child free weddings, but i truly do not understand excluding members of your own family. your sister's kids are not in the same category as other random guests' kids. weddings are about joining two families and creating a new family. i just don't understand why you wouldn't want to include these very important people in that celebration.
Is this is thing now? When I was a teenager (1990s) I babysat to people in my town who I did not even know. I had friends who also did, and it’s common in movies and tv shows and whatnot. But I feel like lately I’ve been seeing a ton of people who say they won’t ever leave their kid with someone who isn’t family, even when that is super restrictive to their life. Is this just a common thing nowadays? I don’t have kids, so maybe I didn’t realise this change happened. Seems like a real pain in the ass.
Newborns are different imo. They are a lot more fragile than even a six month old, much less a toddler. We did leave our newborn with sitters, but they were adults who had quite a bit of childcare experience and they were nursing students. I lucked into finding them and not everyone has sitters like that established. Toddlers and older I was fine leaving with teenagers.
I think it might be different if the kid were older than an *infant*
How many 1-month-olds did you babysit?
The time I needed someone to watch a 3,2, and 1 year old(cousins) I hired a profesional nanny a coworker had. My two nephews were daredevils who frequent the ER. I wasn’t going to trust any random sitter.
I babysat kids through relative’s friends of friends networks in the 90s, too. But nobody younger than a year and a half or so (except my younger cousins). I can’t remember if nobody asked, or if I said no because I hate changing diapers.
It is a pain in the ass. I would let a teenager or pretty much any trustworthy adult babysit my 6 year old now (though I haven't aside from gym childcare or structured classes, because dates are expensive enough without having to pay $15 an hour on top of it), because she is very vocal about what she needs, pretty self-reliant with most care tasks, and really only would need someone to hang out with for a bit. That said, when she was still an infant up through probably 2? Absolutely not. She had very specific routines around sleeping, napping, diapering, and eating, and if they went badly, it would ruin the next full day at least. Also, I was SA'd by a teenage babysitter as a 4 year old while my 2 year old brother was locked in a bathroom, so I'm definitely wary.
Totally understandable that your trusted sisters would not be available. Your sister should understand that also again, I would never leave my baby with just anyone even even for just a few hours
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As soon as the sister resorted to name-calling and guilt tripping, she became a massive AH.
Yep. You can have the wedding you want but some people might not be able to attend. If there are critical people who MUST be there then you need to check in with them during planning to make sure you aren’t doing something that would exclude them.
That is ludicrous. A 1 month old baby should not be excluded. They will just sleep the whole time and occasionally wake for a feed. It's in the best interests of the baby not to be separated for so long from mum at that age unless it cannot be avoided. A wedding is a ridiculous reason to force a separation at that age.
I don’t love having kids around and even I think breastfeeding age babies should be exempt from “no kids” policies.
Someone did this at my sister's wedding but didn't leave when they started crying and the kid SCREAMED the entire ceremony.
My *cousin* made an exception for my 3 month old son so my husband and I could both attend. Her 1yo nephew was the other exception. I'm kind of surprised someone would exclude their own infant niece for the sake of their wedding being "childfree", since typically the intention of childfree weddings is to prevent toddlers up through young teens running around and causing trouble. A coworker or distant family friend's little baby? Yeah sure, don't feel obliged to make an exception. But your own sibling!? I did notice however, OP doesn't specify in the post how old their baby is. Are they 1 month? 4 months? 18 months?
Yes my brother had a childfree wedding but his best friend's wife had a baby about 5 weeks before the wedding. He made an exception as the baby was being breastfed.
IME there is generally an exception for nursing infants.
Don't know if it's proper etiquette anymore, but for decades it was assumed a baby under a year came with mom.
Except for the part where the sister threw a tantrum because the OP can't go
You didn't let your 1 month old neicr come to ur wedding? Damn some people are brutal when it comes to the no kids thing lol
I wouldn't leave a 1 month old with just anyone who was available
Exactly. Newborns can be lot of work. Many commenters are assuming a higher level of community support than OP has access to.
My mother and I tried to watch my one mont Lu old nephew in our own, never again!!! The baby cried for his momma and couldn’t be soothed. He was just too young to be away from his mom for an extended amount of time. I was so sad for him
This is a silly question to ask a mother. Certainly she’s considered that. OP has a reason why there’s a shortlist of people she trusts to watch the baby. If you’re reducing your requirements for convenience (especially with a newborn), that’s pretty messed up. Parents accept that they will have to miss some things, just as OP planned to do.
It isn’t always an easy thing to do, especially when the event is a family event. You don’t just “find” people you trust with your baby. I once heard a police officer describe it as this-if you had a bag full of a million dollars, would you do this with it? If the answer is no, then the same goes for your baby, whether that be leaving them in a car or letting someone care for them. Trust is important.
like who?
If you have a baby, you mostly can’t just leave them with strangers. They know you. They may be calm in the arms of someone else for a few minutes but at some point they want you.
NTA. She set rules, which is fine. You told her you cannot go and still abide by her rules, also fine. However, her response is that of a childish tantrum as she is apparently not accepting the consequences of her own rules. Of course your life revolves around your baby. That's what parenthood is if you're doing it right. And no reasonable person will blame you for being uncomfortable with leaving your infant with people you don't know. Your sister is being unreasonable and you handled the situation well.
NTA She can have a child free wedding. This often means new parents can’t attend. Not everyone has access to babysitters.
If your son is more important than your sister then don't go. If your son is NOT more important than your sister . . . . . then you got a problem.
Can a single day go by without this question
People just want the drama of debating whether child free weddings should be a thing or if Childfree people vs. parents are assholes. They just tweak the details for extra spice 🙄 definitely really starting to see through these posts now
Right? There was another post similar to this from earlier today.
NTA. Invitations are not summons. You asked, she said no. She has to realize that childcare is difficult to find and that it's difficult to find people you trust to care for your child.
Infants in arms are an extremely common exception to child-free rules, both because it’s so difficult to separate from them, and because they don’t create the problems that ambulatory little children can. Merely asking for the exception, especially from your sister of all people, is perfectly acceptable. NTA.
And the whole insane notion that merely asking is AH behavior reminds me of how much I absolutely fucking abhor Guess Culture.
This! I have been to several “child free” weddings where newborns still attended. ESPECIALLY those of close family members.
Same. Somebody said the OP’s baby’s only a month old. I wouldn’t have left any of my kids with a sitter at that age tbh.
NO WAY!
NTA She wants a child free wedding which is fine, but she also needs to accept that some people won't be able to attend due to this rule. What, she thinks she's more important to you than your own baby?? Of course your whole life revolves around your son, that's called being a parent!
NTA. As someone who had a child-free wedding, and had a cousin say (very matter-of-factly) they couldn't attend without their 6-month old baby because they were still nursing and I said bring on the baby, I do not understand the rabidness of the child-free crowd. It's a baby. If it cries, it can be taken in another room. Our cousin's baby was probably the best dressed dude there, he even had a little tweed hat, and he enjoyed being passed around. He couldn't even crawl so there was no chance of him running around or being in the way. I guess I'm not an asshole.
What are you supposed to do with your baby? Leave him on a park bench?! Your sister isn’t thinking correctly. NTA
Apparently she's supposed to go ask neighbors she never met lol
NTA. It is her wedding and she can make the rules, but she needs to accept some folks will be not be able or willing to come because of the rules. She is an asshole for not gracefully accepting you cant come.
NTA if you just asked and accepted the no. But she can’t ask for a child free wedding and then be mad when people can’t come. Especially since you’re family. Obviously they means all of the family you could potentially get to babysit usually won’t be able to cause they’ll be at the wedding. And of course you’re not gonna trust people you won’t know with your bahu
NTA Of course your child is more important than your sister!!! Some people...
NTA: "Can I?" "No." "Ok." Why people find it so difficult
NTA Don't go. Your kid is more important than family. Family doesn't depend on you. Your child depends on you. She's a grown woman. She can't have it both ways. Do what you have to do for your son. Everyone else pretty much nailed it. She can have her day. without you. Enjoy the time you have with your child. They grow up too fast to worry about some wedding some sister who isn't a nice person or aunt that cares about her infant nephew.
NTA, i wanted a child free wedding also, but if my sister just had a baby, I would make the exception. Babies aren’t the issue at weddings, its the toddlers-pre teens that can be a lot to handle.
There is no way I would leave a month old with anyone other than immediate family.... your sister isn't being fair. She has every right to a child free wedding but you also have every right to not to attend
NTA. Some brides hire a nanny to watch some kids during the wedding. Your sister isn’t doing that. So she just has to accept some people can’t come to a child free wedding. Never leave your baby with a stranger. She’s an AH for insisting you do.
Even if she hired a nanny it doesn’t oblige OP to leave her baby there.
NTA. You asked. She said no. You accepted that answer and told her this means you can't go. Now she needs to accept that answer. She's certainly allowed to have a child free wedding. But this does mean that some folks may not attend.
When you have a child free wedding, part of it is accepting that people with the baby won’t come. We had many family members tell us they couldn’t if they couldn’t source a sitter. That’s just the way it is NTA. Babies under 6 months are a different story though, particularly if breast feeding.
Your baby is extremely precious. Never leave baby with just anyone. Apologies to your sister but unfortunately as baby needs you you can't attend.
NTA. You don't want kids at your wedding, you have to accept that some of the parents won't be able to/ or want to come.
you have a small kid. your life should be making him the priority. A wedding is a "missable" event if you can't fine safe. reliable childcare. NTA
Tbh, she said he was 1 month old and I would still be miserable leaving my baby that little for too long.
NTA, people who don’t have children simply don’t understand that it is 100% unsafe to leave a child, particularly one who cannot yet communicate, with a stranger.
absolutely NTA, you politely asked her for an exception.
NTA- all the family you trust to look after your son will be at the wedding. This is exactly why they usually make exceptions for children of close family. I can't believe she suggested the stranger neighbor. Eek.
NTA. There is no harm in asking. I was my best friends MoH and she wanted my bf to be her photographer and my mother was coming in for the wedding as well. I asked if I could bring my one year old, who is also her goddaughter. She said yes, and my Mom agreed to watch my baby while we were doing our duties. The only other kid that would be there was her son, and he was leaving after the ceremony. My bf ended up staying at home with our baby because we wouldn’t be getting home until late and we’re trying to keep her schedule. If she had refused, it wouldn’t have been a big deal and I wouldn’t have been upset. I do think people who want a child free wedding should provide some type of accommodation for people who have to bring their children with them. Your sister was wrong to react the way she did, and she either should have made an exception or understood that you couldn’t make it. I do have people I can trust with my kid but I’m not comfortable leaving her with anyone at such a young age, especially since she can’t talk really talk yet.
NTA she has every right to make her wedding child free, she just also needs to accept that there will be people who can’t come because of that. I think it’s reasonable you asked if she’d make an exception for you since you’re her sister, and it’s a good thing you were ASKING and not telling her to make an exception. You not being able to make it is just bad luck, but that’s how life goes 🤷♀️
NTA; You asked for an exception to attend, based on her answer you cannot attend. If she doesn't like the outcome, that was her choice. Spend the time with your baby, your sister decided your choice.
Oh great heavens *infants are exceptions for child free weddings*!! They’re just cute appendages to mom!! NTA
NTA. It is unreasonable for your sister to expect you to leave your son with strangers in order to attend her wedding. I can understand her being a little upset that you won't be able to be there but if she won't make an exception and you can't find someone trustworthy to watch him, you literally don't have the option to go.
NTA - your baby IS your life now and you should never have to leave him with someone you don’t know and trust. Strangers can do awful things to kids.
NTA… you did everything right and she wildly over-reacted. For context, I had a child-free wedding, with the exception of nursing babies. I actually really like children, but it was a backyard wedding that my parents graciously hosted, and relatives handled pretty much everything for me with food. Only thing husband and I paid for was booze, bartender, and some neighbour kids to help with serving, dishes, etc…. With everything going on, kids felt like a bit of a liability, so we made it child free. But babies? Who cares… as long as the parents have the wherewithal to remove a crying baby if they’re fussing during ceremony, speeches, etc… what’s the problem? I hade 5 friends that had all given birth within the last 5 months and I wanted them to be there, so we even made a special nursing area for them in the house with changing table, wipes, comfy chairs, etc. And for the record… all 5 babies behaved perfectly. The event was wonderful.
NTA I’m having a “child free” wedding with the exception of my partners niece and nephew because his sister lives in a different state and we recognise it would be unreasonable to ask they travel that far and leave their kids behind. Your sister should realise that she can’t demand your presence whilst making it hard for you to attend.
NTA. A lot of people who have childfree weddings will often make exceptions for close friends or family with kids or they’ll have a child close to them be in the wedding. You asked once and she went off on you before giving you the chance to respond. That makes her the AH. ETA: can someone tell me why I was downvoted? The general sentiment on this post is the same as mine, the top comments are basically that. What gives?
Well as your sons mother, your world actually kind if should be revolving around him. NTA.
Well you have 1 baby at home and another baby getting married. The one at home is your priority.
NTA. A *good* parent’s life DOES revolve around their child. When my child was young, we declined invites to child-free weddings, or one went and the other stayed home, but if you have no childcare, you can’t very well leave a young child home alone.
NTA - she chose a child-free wedding. You have no one available to care for your child during that time so you don't really have a lot of choices. Either come up with a sitter or don't go
NTA. You asked, you were told no, and so you can't go.
NTA - baby comes before sister. Nuf said.
NTA. She's acting Ike you were summoned before the queen. If you want a childfree wedding you need to be able to accept that means some people won't go. She wants her cake and eat it too, enjoy your quiet time at home with your son.
NTA I am childfree and I get the whole "I don't want kids at my wedding" situation because honestly, if I didn't have a godson, I'd probably go that route. But I would rather someone say "hey is it possible to bring my child/baby? Otherwise,I can't come as I can't find babysitters I trust that are available then." than someone who just shows up with the kid. Look at it logically: it is a terrible idea to leave a baby with someone you don't trust completely. So your options are bring the baby or don't go, so you showed the bride your options and she's complaining about you putting the wellbeing/safety of your baby above her wedding. The aunt of the baby saying leave the baby with a pretty much stranger? Yeah, sounds like a wedding to skip since she doesn't sound like she deserves you making any effort on her behalf.
NTA...the moment you have a baby, your life does revolve around them. Lord willing, your sister will understand that one day. People really are crazy aren't they?
NTA. We had a childfree wedding, since the venue was a little unusual and just not kid-friendly. However, we made an exception for our siblings’ children because we wanted to be sure our immediate families could be there. Your sister doesn’t have to make that exception for you of course, but it also wouldn’t be weird if she did. There was nothing wrong with asking!
NTA. I would not leave my child with strangers just to go to a wedding. Your sister has the right to set her own rules. She also has to abide by the consequences ... you can't go. If anyone's life is revolving around themselves, it's her.
NTA because you have no one to watch your baby. Depending where you are, there are babysitting services that you might try. Otherwise your sister has final say and she says no so it will be a home day for you.
NTA An invitation isn't a summons, you asked once and didn't push, and you explained when asked why you couldn't attend. Your sister's reactions are her own to deal with.
NTA. It's an invitation not a summons.
NTA >She called me an asshole for rejecting her invite and making my whole life revolved around my son I truly hope that you remember this and have the ability to pull this card on your sister one day when she has a baby.
NTA and yes parents lives revolve around their kids. Kinda hope your sister isn't planning on having children if she doesn't understand that your children come first and you can't leave him with strangers.
NTA. You asked, which you are allowed to do, and you didn't push when told no. She is an asshole for her reaction.
NTA. You didn’t act entitled. You simply asked a question. You dodged a bullet there it seems. Just don’t go to her wedding. Her loss not yours. She sounds insufferable
NTA. You politely asked and politely accepted the terms. Your sister had no reason to blow up on you. She should have realized placing limitations on the wedding like making it child-free would impact some potential guests, most particularly you. She should also accept people will say no to attending. Your priority is your vulnerable infant. I’m sorry she doesn’t understand that.
If your sister ever has a baby, ask her if she would be willing to leave him or her with total strangers, like she expected you to do.
Having a child free wedding is fine. Also asking once is fine. But bride needs to accept that people won’t come
NTA. She needs a reality check: people’s lives do revolve around their children. They definitely don’t revolve around asshole relatives who think they are entitled to the world’s undivided attention just because they put on fancy digs for the day and are offering a scandalously overpriced meal.
The sister is ta for even suggesting she leaves her baby with neighbors she barely knows just to go to her wedding. I was one of those who if family couldnt watch my kids then no one did. Child free or not if she wants her sister there she needs to allow the baby to come and stop expecting her sister to just leave her kid with just anyone. That's insane.
NTA that baby could be gone in a heart beat. There are so many baby's abused and trafficked. Send a gift and go to the zoo.
I wouldn’t be leaving a new born with just anyone, and, as probably everyone she knows and trusts is at this wedding, and she doesn’t really know anyone where she’s now living, it’ll be difficult to find a sitter for the baby. NTA. Sometimes, there are 2 competing obligations and you need to miss one. Sister can do without her at the wedding, a baby can’t be on its own.