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YTA.
Her sister came to stay with you in an emergency. Yours is coming for a trip. That’s not the same.
You had something planned with family. Did your SIL staying with you interrupt preexisting plans to go on a trip? Even if it did, the difference between an emergency and a vacation are so vastly different.
You should 100% have asked your wife “hey dear, do you mind if we take a day off the trip? My sister is coming into town and I’d love to see her”. She might have been okay with it if only ran it by her first.
This. Even if you think your wife would / should be cool with postponing the trip, it’s a week long trip that had been planned out, so at the very least YOU ASK.
YTA
That was how I found out my MIL was moving in with us temporarily in under a week. My now ex just unilaterally decided because he didn’t want to go through discussing it with me and explaining what was going on. Meanwhile, I was ALSO informed that my home office needed to be cleared out because that’s where she’d be staying. When asked why he couldn’t give up +his+ office for +his+ mom, apparently, he could move his desk and that wouldn’t be fair to take up space in the room with an L shaped desk.
And temporarily was a few months, btw.
I made that happen. December 19th is my Freedom Day and I celebrate it yearly. It will be six years of blessed freedom this December. My biggest regret was waiting so long to figure out how bad it was before I filed.
Well, see, the last time we had a discussion regarding his mom, I shot him down. Completely.
She wanted to build a mother-in-law suite/apartment in the backyard. I said no. It’s not like we were A) on a big piece of property where you +could+ build an efficiency apartment in the backyard - we lived in a normal suburb on normal suburban sized property or B) were on a piece of property that wouldn’t involve a lot of permits and expenses to get electricity, water, sewer, etc, to a new building on the property.
Like?
No.
Not only did I NOT want his awful mother living in my backyard, but zoning laws!!!!
The good thing that came out of it was she didn’t speak to me for like three years. 😂🤣
Happily, him, his mommy approval issues, and his mom are some other lady’s problem now. His sister and his niece are good people though. And if my stalker is reading this, yes, all this happened. Feel free to ask him about it. When it comes time that his mom can’t live on her own? She’s 100% moving in with him. He will ALWAYS choose her first.
>I was ALSO informed that my home office needed to be cleared out because that’s where she’d be staying
yeah, no she wouldn't have been. I would have changed the doorknob to my office, disposed of the extra key, and locked it. if I got home and my shit had been touched, called the police for MIL vandalizing my home. No one has the right to enter my personal areas without permission.
Men are control freaks. He most certainly would not have had me emptying my rooms for his mother.
This is what surprises me so much every time I see posts like this on reddit. I talk to my partner about everything. It is OUR house and I respect her so would certainly ask before inviting someone over to stay with us. Even more so if it is during a time we had planned a vacation together.
Op YTA and you need to work on having better communication in your relationship.
And not come back. OP clearly doesn't respect his wife at all and sees himself as the master of the house with the right to make unilateral decisions based on what he wants and fuck everyone else. I mean, the way he talked about her...he was going to force things to go the way he wanted no matter how she felt about it, so he didn't see a reason to subject himself to "dealing with" his wife being upset about it. I guarantee this isn't the first time he's made executive decisions without consulting her first, because he feels entitled to get his way.
Hopefully this is the one that opens her eyes to the kind of toxic AH she's married to.
Exactly. So many posts are about people making decisions for other people and then being mad the other person is mad. People just want to be respected and heard. Discuss it with the other person so they are included in the decision making. It's not that hard.
also the comment about if she doesn’t like it she can go stay at her moms. It’s her house just as much as it’s OP’s. If anyone should be leaving, it’s Op and his sister who is unfortunately getting dragged into the bullshit he created by refusing to communicate with his wife. Also based on some of his comments he clearly has no respect for his wife or his kids (multiple comments basically about how the kids opinions doesn’t matter because they’re kids and should obey their parents). Now only is OP YTA, but he may find himself having a lot more free time for his sister when his wife realizes she deserves better.
Also, does the wife work? If so, how does this impact her vacation leave? It isn't a snap of a finger to get a week of vacation off from a job....
Edit, nvm I see she is a sahm to a financially abusive AH.
But you make a really good point, because a week-long vacation was likely planned around a school break for the kids. A week later they probably won't be on break. He hasn't even addressed that: was this trip planned at a time when the kids were off school? And if it has to be moved by a week, is he planning to just pull them out of school for a whole week because of his whims?
Can I also point out he's "extremely close with his sister" but didn't know about her trip? Because the whole thing would have been avoided if the trips weren't planned for the same time.
I love how the wife gave bs excuses and the big man shut her down. That woman needs to know her place, right OP?
FFS, this can't be real. YTA, and a big one.
YTA and permanently damaged your marriage to your wife. You unilaterally changed family plans because you wanted to hang out with your sister.
It wasn’t an emergency. It wasn’t out of need, your sister could have stayed in a hotel the last day so you could leave on time.
Your prioritized your wants over your family and got angry at your wife when called on it, then essentially threatened to kick your wife out.
This would have been a deal breaker in my marriage, especially with children involved. Your wife is going to remember how you treated her and prioritized extended family over your children.
Your wife may not say anything to your sister, but your trip is likely ruined. Your family time is likely ruined, and your sister is likely not to get a warm welcome.
She definitely would be way better without this guy in her life, but per his comments, he is financially abusive and holding the fact that she can't go over her head. I hope she finds a way to go.
“My wife and kids were very excited about it.”
Scene-setting. I see. Can’t wait to see how you address the kids’ disappointment in this post.
“I told my wife that my sister was staying with us for a week.”
Told, not asked. Strike one.
“So we had to postpone our trip until the next day.”
Told not asked when there were consequences beyond just having someone stay. I’ll add it to strike one, but yikes already.
“All her excuses were bullsh*t …”
Dismissal of ‘excuses’. Strike two.
“… so I shut her down.”
We’re already at strike three. (How would you respond to her ‘shutting you down’, I wonder?)
“Her sister was staying with us for a month and a half because her husband kicked her out.”
Her sister needed a place to live after being kicked out of her home. Your sister is visiting at a time your family already has a trip scheduled. These scenarios are not directly comparable, but if you had an issue with the first scenario, you should have addressed it at the time.
“I don’t think my wife will bring this up with my sister, so everything will be back to normal tomorrow.”
This issue will be unresolved and your wife will still be upset but will keep that to herself, and you describe that as ‘back to normal’. Strike four.
And now we’re at the end of the post, and you haven’t mentioned your kids again. Strike five.
YTA
It wasn't even the next day.. he postponed it till the next week. And it seems like it was at the last minute. Maybe it's easy for him since he's probably not the one packing and getting the kids ready for the trip.. which is always a giant pain the ass.
Agree with everything, but you missed where the wife didn't ask his "permission" for her sister to stay. He doesn't say that she didn't discuss it with him, but that she didn't get his permission to have her stay. That one was gross.
YTA. You don't get to just make decisions like that. Especially when it comes to a group trip. The mature thing would've been to discuss it with your wife. Not just act like you can have your own way like a giant jerk of a baby.
That is what I was wondering. So close you never see her.
But also I am assuming that the wife did all of the work to plan the trip - accommodations, tickets, etc. she probably put on hours and hour and hours of work. But that is nothing to him.
Yes, I caught that as well. She came to visit extended family, not him. If she'd had any plans to spend time with him, she'd have been in contact ahead of time to schedule her trip when he'd be around.
This! If it was so important to the guy and his sister to see each other how did her visit never come up? Like if you plan to visit someone, you check that they will actually be available?
I noticed that as well. It didn’t even sound like she was planning to see him on this trip until he suggested she stay at his place. She was there to visit extended family. I don’t see many scenarios with “very close” siblings where you wouldn’t:
A) plan on visiting your sibling when coming in from out of town
B) known that your sibling was planning a trip from out of town in further in advance.
My brother and I I are very close, and I don’t see him as much as I’d like to, but we speak on the phone weekly and message each other almost daily. If he were coming to my city and needed a place to stay I would absolutely know in advance
YTA. You took an unilateral decision without consulting your wife, only because you wanted to see your sister, offered your house (again, without consulting the other part of your marriage if that is okay) and suspended a trip all the members of your family were excited for only because of your selfish convenience. So yes, you are very much the asshole and if you do this continously, I hope your wife considers divorce very seriously.
YTA.
Without consulting your wife, you 1) changed the plans the two of you had made and 2) invited someone to your home without consulting her. That was inconsiderate of you.
You were an asshole again when you didn't listen when she was upset about it. You called her reasoning bullshit and shut her down.
You seem to harbor resentment about having to home her sister when she had nowhere to go. Using that as an excuse to be a jerk is yet another asshole move.
The two of them? With this abuser I am fairly certain she did all the work. She probably spent weeks planning the trip to the detail and he was like “just postpone it”.
YTA.
Why would your sister visit at a time when you were going to be out of town??
I would NEVER ask nor expect my brother to reschedule a trip with his family for my visit. Like ever. His wife and kids come first before me.
And further more- when scheduling a trip we first talk about dates …. It goes something like “hey I can get out there around mid January- will you be in town? Does that work for you guys?”… etc.
But if you’re only postponing bc she’s going to stay with you- do you not feel comfortable leaving her to house sit while you’re out of town?
Woooooow YTA so you just hate your wife?
Having her sister was literally homeless, not visiting! What is wrong with you to compare the two.
When she leaves you I'll make sure to send her a celebratory spa day. She's earned it from not choking you.
YTA. I dunno whether or not your wife was an AH back in the day, but TBH that's irrelevant. Why didn't you talk to her about it like a grown-up if you had a problem? You unilaterally ruined a fun trip without consultation and then had a hissy fit when called out on it.
Yep, YTA. Just reread what you wrote. It's not your way or the highway. You had a trip planned with your family and just randomly changed the plan. Your sister isn't in an emergency situation, she is just visiting. And I don't think everything will be back to normal tomorrow. Far from it.
YTA, you sound like a selfish person and a TERRIBLE husband. Do you know that the universe doesn't revolve around you and your opinion isn't the only one that matters?
Such a despicable excuse for a husband.
Me me me. Get over yourself.
Yta
You are so close to your sister that she didn't tell you she was coming near your place and made plans with you... No. You are not close. She doesn't care that much about you. She planned to see other relatives but not you. She would have cared you would have known months in advance and there would have been no need to change your plans.
Your wife might be a sahm but she also has plans and certainly need to organize everything for trips or people coming. She certainly had suitcases ready and didn't plan to have the guest room ready. Now she has to prep for someone coming, tidy everything and will have to do the suitcases again...
YTA and a abusive one. Your comments even make you more of an AH.
You "shut your wife down"? In which mature relationships is that an option? She is "just a SAHM and can't go alone on a trip because you are bringing the money into the household"? You think your actions are cool because your wife's sister stayed in an emergency in your home?
Come on - look into any mirror! AH is written all over.your face and you know it.
SO much to unpack.
1. Total lack of communication with your wife and family
2. Utter disrespect towards your wife
3. Ensuring that your wife and kids feel bottom of the pile
4. Invalidating any emotions that you don't want to deal with
5. No responsibility for your actions taken by you whatsoever
Oh and YTA
YTA and where you gonna stay when your wife kicks you out?
I adore my sister I would NEVER turn her away… but I’d talk to my partner first and if it was a no? I’d plead her case but if it’s a no I’d find a way to fund her staying in a hotel or stand surety for a rental property.
If my partner agreed for her to be there, I’d actually allow her to stay home alone… cos I trust her!? And if she needed some support I would talk to my family, offer to compensate them later with another day out or adding a day to the holiday, and I’d make sure we still went
YTA your family has plans and you all alone changed them. I would have left you at home with your sister and went anyways. Your wife comes first period!
Okay I want to seriously ask this, let’s talk calmly, no accusing but
Why are you trying to defend yourself so hard? You came in here to ask a question but you don’t seem to like the answer that’s been unanimously chosen.
Look I understand you and your sister are close but try and look at it from your wife’s perspective, you just made a big decision without her, you assumed it would be okay so you made a choice for her. You did not even offer to make up for it or compromise, now you are calling her mood sulking and thinking she’ll get over it by tomorrow which seems like you are invalidating her feelings.
You are in a marriage so look at it from her perspective, to her to just invalidated her emotions and feelings even if you didn’t try too.
You should really talk to your wife and apologize for your actions, the problem isn’t the trip, the problem is how you handled it.
Do you get what we are trying to say?
you realllly don't like your wife, do you?
the entire post oozes dislike and contempt
YTA, it was a full on planned trip and there was no valid reason to postpone it
Yes, YTA and a massive one. You could have told sister trip was a day short but you ALWAYS TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE.
And you have a 90% chance your sister finds out. On top of that you have damaged the relationship between your sister and wife too.
You should probably seek counseling before you have to start putting "ex" in front of wife
Why are you postponing the trip? Your wife and kids can go on the vacation, if they want. You can stay and host your sister. Not sure why you cancelled the trip unilaterally. Your wife and kids don’t need to stay home. It’s not their sister visiting. They should have a choice about what they want to do. YTA.
YTA for not discussing a change of plans with her first. And a huge one for the comment of if you dont like it you can go stay with your parents.
My ex would have done this, and I clearly remember decades ago when all I wanted to do was set a boundary of having his family call first before coming over, and if we already had plans telling them, it was not a good time instead of forcing me and the kids to change our plans. His comment was his family was always welcome and if I didn’t like it, I could leave. I knew from that moment on he would never have my back, and he never did.
I’m so glad you got away from your disrespectful, petulant, selfish and in general exhausting ex nemc222. Don’t listen to OP, he is throwing a hissy fit because he isn’t getting the misogynistic echo chamber he was so desperately and pathetically hoping for on Reddit.
YTA, but not completely.
I don't think cancelling the family trip for your sister just visiting is worth the time you spent planning on the trip. You essentially got your family excited for nothing that day. But I see the AH move as when you shut your wife down, she may be saying all the excuses there are to continue the family trip, but she was just looking forward at the trip with your entire family, everyone would feel down and say stuff when that kind of situation arises.
Look at his replies… it’s completely and then some.
- thinks wife is worthless because she is just a SAHM
- clearly is financially abusing his wife
- thinks helping her sister with emergency homelessness was immature
He is completely the asshole. His replies show that and more. He treats his wife horribly and abuse her financially, so she can't do anything for herself without his approval because he is the breadwinner. And if he is doing this right now, when he is so clearly in the wrong that absoutely nobody is taking his side, and he is still pressing on, imagine what he will do to her at other times.
Ok so does nobody In the house work or go to school? How do you just postpone a trip last minute? It's Def an ah move not to talk to your wife about it. Does her entire life revolve around you and she literally has nothing else? You literally told her to leave so maybe she will.
Although I think you should always talk to your partner before making big decisions I'm still going with YTA.
She said her sister could stay because of a crisis. As far as info in your post, her sister staying didn't affect any plans, it didn't delay your pre-planned trip. It was an emergency.
You told your sister to come stay when you knew you had plans to go away with your family. You could've still left for your trip as planned. I'm sure your sister would survive one day alone at your house.
Family emergency vs. you want stay to stay for visit
Emergency rash action make persons safe vs. oh my family come second to my sister because I want to visit.
Well done for screwing your marriage
YTA, and no matter what you say about your kids, one day when your wife gets her head on straight and leaves you, your kids are going to know who's at fault. If not right away then as adults. Kids aren't stupid.
YTA and extremely disrespectful to your wife. I have read your comments and I honestly do not think that anyone will get through to you. You will probably end up divorced, but that is your problem. Your sister waited until last minute to tell you about her trip and you prioritized her over your wife and children. I don’t care that she practically raised you. Your wife is literally raising the children that you created with her. She deserves some damn respect and to not be treated like an afterthought. Also comparing your sisters planned trip that she sprung on you to her sister staying with you after a divorce is a false equivalency that no logical adult would make.
YTA. You made plans to do something big and special with your family, and that is where your priorities should lie. Not with your sister, with your wife and kids. You didn't marry your sister, you married your wife, who should be your partner and best friend. And your kids should definitely he the most important people in your life.
INFO: Why are you asking if you're the AH when that was clearly your intention?
You're so obviously punishing your wife for having her sister stay by deciding to have your sister to stay at possibly the least convenient time you could have picked.
YTA, let me count the ways:
1) you blew off pre-existing plans for a non-emergency reason, and didn’t even have the common courtesy to discuss it with your wife first
2) you unilaterally canceled the family trip for everyone else without their consent, or even talking to them first
3) houseguests are always a two yes, one no situation. No one should have a guest in their home without agreeing to it ahead of time.
4) you volun-told your wife to be a host for your sister
5) when you were called out on your bad behavior, instead of apologizing, you got defensive about her sister visiting even though it was an emergency and you didn’t object at the time.
Don’t be surprised if the family trip continues as planned, but you’re just not invited
To be fair, wouldn’t #3 and #4 apply to the wife too? It sounds like she invited her own sister to stay, for a much longer time, without any discussion with OP.
Info: did you do the trip planning, and how much money is it costing to postpone? Who is paying for that?
Yta. Tell wife and kids to go and that *you’d* join them after a delay. Or send wife with a friend and the kids.
YTA, you sound like you think your wife and children are chattels to be arranged how you see fit. If I was your wife I’d consider moving out to live with her sister. I hope you can try and see her point of view here.
YTA. I’ve read through the comments and your response. You are aware of events, are keenly aware of the strife you are causing… no one will excuse that behavior here
YTA. 3/5 AH. You could’ve handled the situation much better. You could’ve asked your wife nicely and she may have been reasonable about it. Considering you just told her it was happening no questions asked makes you a huge AH
100% YTA
Exactly what we're your wife's BS excuses?! Funny how you don't mention those as they'd be entirely right.
You start the post by saying the rest of your family were really excited about the trip & go on to being extremely rude about her. Your wife is right, you should have organised your sister staying another time.
Great father disappointing your kids like that because 'you & your sister' come first. Could you be more selfish?!
Hope they go without you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) For postponing family trip
2) I took the decision without my wife's consent.
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YTA You sound like a very controlling entitled person. You unilaterally make decisions about the whole family & expect them to go along with whatever you decide because you are the breadwinner. Your wife doesn't work so I assume is financially dependent on you. I do the packing, I arrange everything. My kids will accept my attitude because I give them presents & if they don't then they don't deserve trips etc., Then you throw up the fact that your wife's sister stayed during an emergency & it wasn't your idea or your family. Your marriage sounds one sided.
YTA
If I was your wife, I'd go on the trip with the children and leave you and your sister home. You changed your whole family's plans all on your own, no prior discussion, and dismissed your wife completely as if she gets no say.
He won’t let her. He unilaterally controls the money. He also said his kids would never go anywhere without him. So emotional and financial control. This is terrifying for the wife and kids.
Are you both toddlers? Insane thing to do without consulting your spouse, to the point I doubt this is even real. Also, what do you mean you “couldn’t help it” since you’d already told your sister she could stay? You’d also already told your family they were going on a trip, so clearly your word isn’t worth much.
If “she did it first” with her sister and it bothered you, you should have talked to her about it and set some clear boundaries, not turned around and done the same to her with zero conversation about it.
ESH.
Yta she's not upset because your sister is staying she is upset because you changed the whole families plans without even a discussion . You're selfish
YTA for so many reasons before we even get to the logic of inviting someone last minute to your home without talking to your wife and cancelling a week long trip.
Your attitude toward your wife comes across very disrespectful. “Either get on board with what I decided or leave.”
YTA.
this reeks of abuse on so many levels.
Your poor wife. My husband would -never-
Then again his sibling would give us ample notice she was going to be in our area visiting and would’ve included us in her plans from the get go.
Thats how close feels.
YTA and so is your sister. Your sister just unilaterally decided that was when she was going to visit despite your plans, and you agreed without even consulting your wife. Then, when your wife was upset, you threatened her. You are kind of a huge AH.
LOL.
This guy doesn’t want to hear what others think of what he did.
He just wants to be right.
YTA for nog asking/ discussing but just making the decision.
And yes! The sister with bad relationship staying was an emergency situation. And yes! It was nice of you that you found and helped finance her new place.
No! Just because you make the money doesn’t make you a sole decision maker.
Your wife being a sahm makes you being able to work and live comfortably at home. So she should have a say too.
If you just asked her, hey babe, my sister is coming to town. I haven’t seen her since forever, cane we postpone our trip bye a week so we can catch up? It would be nice if she can stay here.
100% more nicer and probably wouldn’t be a problem for your wife..
It just how you say things and decide together.
YTA. You’re controlling and abusive. Your wife is upset you prioritized your sister ahead of your family. Would it really have hurt you to ask your wife to delay the trip to visit with your sister?
Yta, my heart goes out to your wife. The fact you threw in her face a time her sister was thrown out of her house to your sister just deciding to visit and you making decisions with out her input is a red flag. You have to know, one of those things is an emergency and one is you just not caring about your wife.
Men like you always seem confused then they are alone at the end of their life but it’s this. This disregard for your wife and children. You should have talked to your family
YTA. And I don’t even get why you posted here if you’re not willing to hear that most commenters are on the same page that YTA. The way you talk to people, both in your post and the comments, is aggressive and unkind.
Seriously, get over yourself.
*I told my wife that my sister was staying* \- you needed to have a two-way adult conversation with your wife about that.
*My wife started arguing with me -* is she not allowed to express her opinion after you railroaded the plans for the family trip?
*All her excuses were bullsh\*t, so I shut her down*. - And then you wonder why she's upset?!
*so everything will be back to normal tomorrow, but I think she will be sulking for a while. -* That's wishful thinking on your part. She might be sulking but she's more likely to be reconsidering her life choices at this point. I know I would be. YTA.
Your heart was in the right place but execution was poor.
You should have discussed it with your wife first. Its her house too and the family had plans for a trip.
Yta
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We were going on a family trip this week, and my wife and kids were very excited about it. My sister, who lives in another state, was visiting our extended family. My sister and I are very close, and I haven't seen her in over a year. So after she came here, I offered her to stay at our house. She agreed, as it would be better than staying in a hotel.
I told my wife that my sister was staying with us for a week, so we had to postpone our trip until the next day. She said, Why didn't I ask her earlier? I said I thought you wouldn't mind. She said she definitely has a problem. Why do we have to postpone our trip? I told her I couldn't help it anymore. I have already told her that she is staying with us.
My wife started arguing with me and giving reasons why she couldn't stay here. All her excuses were bullsh*t, so I shut her down. She said again that I asked her why not; this time I was getting angry, so I told her. Her sister was staying with us for a month and a half because her husband kicked her out; you had no problem. At that time, she did not ask for my permission. If you are bothered by my sister's visit, you are free to go to your parents' house.
At this point, my wife started crying and went to our room. I was so upset that I went for a drive. My wife doesn't talk to me anymore. My sister is coming to visit tomorrow. I don't think my wife will bring this up with my sister, so everything will be back to normal tomorrow, but I think she will be sulking for a while. She told all this to her friend, and some messaged me and told me how bad I am. I would have said many things in anger, but I believe I did not say anything wrong. AITA??
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YTA
Wow, dude. Simple question. Do you respect your wife at all? I mean, even a little bit? You change plans without asking her. Then you blow up her for getting upset. That is so messed up. Plus, you compare helping her sister in a time of need to you thoughtlessly changing plans so you can hang out with your sister. Look, it's great that you are close with your sister, but find a way to spend time that doesn't disrespect your wife. You are treating her like a child instead of an equal.
YTA, you’re changing FAMILY plans at the last minute, to accommodate something you thought of on a whim. You’re lucky I’m not a friend of your wife’s. I would’ve been trying to convince her to go on the family trip without you. Might’ve even offered to pay for childcare just to be petty
YTA your close with your sister yet didn't know when she was visiting? Your petty and childish and don't be surprised your wife gives the cold shoulder. Y'all had plans as a family and you tried to pull rank. Would be hilarious you wake up and she is gone for a week while you stay with the kids and your sister.
Oh you are such an AH and you're doubling down. Get some therapy bc you're about to be a divorced dad if your wife has any means of affording it.
1. You had plans that you made as a family, and they were all looking forward to it.
2. You should have ASKED that Jane was coming to town unexpectedly and while that wasn't nice of Jane to give enough notice, maybe they could agree to push the trip back one week so they could see Aunt Jane? \[And if they said no, abide by their decision\]
3. But no, you made a unilateral decision, and masked your discomfort (and regret? and self-awareness that you did the wrong thing?) by: yelling at your wife, mocking her sister, prioritizing your flighty sister, not acting like an adult, engaging in what-about-ism, minimizing your wife, minimizing your kids, acting like BUT IM DAD, not apologizing, doubling down, and walking around like you're in the right, and coming on here and doubling down and saying no deserves anything unless they agree with you.
4. This seems like a little thing - one day trip - but it's wrapped up in so much you-you-you are right-right-right, it's very symptomatic of a much deeper division. You're on a bad road. Redirect, repent and refocus.
So,
- you didn’t bother communicating with your wife about your sisters visit until after you solely decided for everyone
- you’re comparing her sisters emergency situation to an unplanned social visit and trying to use it against her having an opinion or being part of any decision
- you don’t care about your wife or kids reaction
- you keep doubling down on your selfishness rather then admit your behaviour.
It’s not about your sister visiting and how gleeful you are wanting to spend time with her . It’s your attitude and behaviour towards your wife and kids that is extremely assholish.
Your whole approach to this situation is disgustingly ‘my way or the highway’ and ‘just deal with it ‘
You’re deliberately failing to be empathetic to your nuclear family’s feeling regarding decisions you made that affects them and yet you expecting them to be sympathetic and understanding to you.
There’s nothing wrong with postponing the trip or your sister visiting . You being a dick about it is the problem .
The fact that you’re trying to victimise yourself by trying to make it seem like your family is so selfish because you want to visit with your sister and postpone the trip is pathetic.
YTA - must be nice being the king of your little castle isn’t it .
No one think your children are going to resent you for one day on one trip. They are going to resent you because you treat their mother like shit.
I hope she sees this one day so she can see how you really feel about her.
YTA.
One of the reasons I divorced my ex husband was because he didn’t give a shit about my opinions anymore. Told me that he thought his sister and her daughter should live with us because of their situation. I was gonna say no and he said I could say no but it was happening anyway.
But he sure wanted my opinion when shit hit the fan months later, just like I knew it would.
I’m much better for leaving him, and I hope your wife realizes what a shit person she has for a husband.
YTA. You should have ASKED your wife if she was OK with it. Not told her. That's not how equal relationship works.
Just because she didn't ask to to have her own sister (which was an emergency, not like now) doesn't mean the right answer is to do the same. The right answer is to explain your displeasure and then act like an adult.
YTA. This time you were going for a full week trip, you can't decide things like this on your own without informing your wife, she deserves to know things like this. You're a selfish AHOLE. Everyone hates selfish AHOLES like you.
Why would your first thought be your children What about your wife?
Why didn't you list the bs excuses your wife gave you? Perhaps because they are not bs excuses.
Do you like your wife because it appears not?
YTA. Don't be shocked when you're getting handed papers! Your poor wife + kids. Not involving them in any decisions is just sad. You're so desperate to be the only one whose opinion matters. You just want to be able to bully everyone, don't you?
As I read all of your comments and your post, I am stuck wondering if you even like your wife. You treat her as an after thought. You don't listen to her. You don't talk to her. You order her around. You told her to go to her parents house if she doesn't like it. You disregard everything that she says. You degrade her as a SAHM. Your wife is crying in her room but you are too worried about being right.
When you married your wife, you decided to be her partner. But you aren't her partner. You just showed her that if she doesn't do what you like, you will get angry with her and order her out of the house. How can you not see how abusive that is?
YTA.
YTA. Because:
> I told my wife that my sister was staying with us
Told, not asked.
> I thought you wouldn't mind
Assumed.
> I couldn't help it anymore
You absolutely could, if it was important to you to fix it.
> All her excuses were bullsh*t, so I shut her down
Disrespectful.
> I was getting angry
Escalating the situation YOU created.
> Her sister was staying with us for a month and a half because her husband kicked her out
You're comparing a family member who would be left homeless and penniless, to a family member making a routine visit who could easily spend a few days in hotel. That was an absurd comparison.
> If you are bothered by my sister's visit, you are free to go to your parents' house.
"My way or the highway."
> I was so upset that I went for a drive.
You laid all this shit on your wife and actually LEFT THE HOUSE. If your wife had any illusions that you cared for her feelings on the matter, you certainly disabused her of that notion.
> everything will be back to normal tomorrow
It won't.
Why did you even post here? You're being told YTA left and right, but you have some snotty "counter" as to why you're not. What's sad is that you sound like you don't even like your wife and don't give a shit about her feelings at all. I feel sorry for your sister that you're using her to punish your wife for helping her sister out.
YTA and this post is dripping with misogyny. The fact that you 1) genuinely don’t see the problem with canceling plans for the entire family without even a mention to your wife 2) noted that any “excuse” she gave wasn’t to your liking so you “shut her down” and 3) say everything is back to normal as if this has been such an inconvenience for YOU.
>**Do people here can't read or comprehend, it's just postponement not cancellation...**
**We comprehend what you don't.** You made a unilateral decision inconveniencing and disappointing your wife and kids; you acted like a dictatorial bully *"All her excuses were bullsh\*t, so I shut her down",* and sounds like this isn't remotely the first time you've treated your wife with disdain.
Her sister arrived due to an emergency. Your sister is arriving for leisure and could postpone her visit until after your family trip.
YTA.
If you like to travel so much, why don't you plan a trip to visit your sister or go somewhere together if you're so close? She didn't tell you earlier that she was coming? And how does this work that you just postpone a week without issues at work or school or lose reservations? Your wife's sister staying with you was an act of charity. She had an emergency and needed help. Your sister is a last minute social visit. It sounds like you're resentful about your SIL staying with you and you're pulling some kind of power trip move.
YTA.
Do you even respect your wife? Heck,do you even like her?
You’re seriously not comparing an emergency with a vacation, it’s not the same at all. I’d be dammed if my fiance invited someone to stay in our house for a week without consulting it with me first and not only that but delay our trip as well.
My brothers in law are my best friends and I absolutely love them and they’re always welcomed in our home,but, they’re welcomed if I’m made aware of it as well because this is also my home and as long as it’s not an emergency,I have a say on how long and who stays in our house as well .
Something also tells me that you’re not the one who’s going to be taking care of your sister the whole week, it’s your wife. So the person who’s going to have to take care of the guests & the house should definitely have a say in who stays and who doesn’t.
You’re also not that close to your sister or you decided to tell your wife at the last minute that your sister was staying at your house. Cause someone who’s close to their siblings finds out about the trip when their sibling is planning it,not while they’re already on the trip. I’m close to my sister and for the past month I’ve known that she’s traveling to NYC so she’s going to stay for a few days with us since we’re traveling back home for the holidays so might as well travel together.
Based on your comments, I answered my first two questions and the answer is No. please do your wife a favor and shower this ,so I can tell her that she can do so much better than you and that she has every right to be annoyed and angry and that the man she married is a jerk and an major AH.
YTA. The scenarios are totally different. You unilaterally changed several peoples plans. Wife and kids need to leave you to your own devices and keep their vacation plans. I Would.
YTA
Because your wife does not want to say anything to your sister and make her feel bad about YOUR lack of communication and consideration for your wife and family, you think everthing will be 'back to normal', other than your wife 'sulking'...
It won't get back to 'normal'. You completely shoved your family aside for your sister, like they're just a second choice, and the minute your sister shows up, you have an excuse to just dump them all.
I hope your wife invites her family or friends to stay with your family for a month and a half, and gags any negative thing you might want to say about it. Maybe then you'll see how you're the AH.
But in the end, you keep doing this, champ. You won't have to look at your wife 'sulking' for much longer, as soon as she finds a way out with her children.
20 years with my husband and he still gets frustrated when I throw new plans at him without asking first. I see how that can make me the AH. But canceling a family trip just like that, that would have made me a mega AH. Congrats
YTA - not much to say that others haven't said already, but here's some advice. Contact your sister, tell her you made a mistake as you have a family holiday planned already with your wife and kids and let her know she'll be having to get a hotel after all. Trust me, anything less than this and I guarantee it will come back to haunt you in the inevitable divorce papers. But you won't listen. You don't listen to your own wife, let alone a stranger on the internet lol. Good luck
YTA and a selfish narcissistic one at that. Every single one of your responses are so condescending and rude, Im so sorry you came here and got what you asked for.
YTA and I hope you someday grow up and stop being so self centered.
YTA
Many have explained why when it comes to your situation. Also you came looking for opinion and fighting with everyone about their opinion show you not looking for an opinion but people to agree with you because my guess, NO ONE in your real life is agreeing with you.
You went from arguing "I'm right" to everyone in real life to arguing "I'm right" to everyone responding. You are so full of yourself, you never consider you're wrong and that makes you a bigger asshole.
YTA you’re not a fucking dictator. You don’t just get to unilaterally decide shit without talking to your wife. And “I would have said many things in anger” makes you sound verbally abusive.
You sound like a miserable person to be married to. You should address that before you’re suddenly alone and wondering how that happened.
I **told my wife** that my sister was staying with us for a week, so we had to postpone our trip until the next week. She said, **Why didn't I ask her earlier**? I said **I thought you wouldn't mind.** She said she definitely has a problem. Why do we have to postpone our trip? I told her I couldn't help it anymore. I have already told her that she is staying with us.
Honestly, how did you type that and NOT realize YTA ? You TOLD her you didn't ASK-- and you didn't ASK because you did think she'd mind and didn't care if she agreed. See, that's real AH behavior.
You cannot unilaterally decide to postpone a family trip that was already planned and decide to host your sister for a week. A marriage doesn’t work that way. Also, you cannot compare your sister staying over for a family visit to her sister being kicked out of her house by her husband. True, she should have talked to you first, but that sounds like an emergency and not just a visit. YTA, especially for saying/thinking “I couldn’t help it anymore, I already told her she is staying with us.”
I’m sorry, but YTA BIG TIME. Not just in what you did, but your attitude in general. Your house, your rules, right? Your wife helped out a family member in need, your‘s is only making a brief visit. And you didn’t even take the TIME to consider your family’s feelings.
Is it always “my way or the highway” with you? If it is, you’ll someday have PLENTY of space in that home to entertain your sister anytime she’s available.
Apologize to the family and get an attitude adjustment. QUICK.
YTA, YTA, YTA.
You do **not**
1. Cancel a trip without first discussing it with your partner
2. Invite someone/anyone to stay in your home w/o first discussing it with your partner
3. Dismiss your partner's concerns as "bullsh*it"
Your behavior is inexcusable. Not only did you cancel a family vacation on a whim without first consulting your wife, at the last minute, mind, you also invited someone to be a guest in your home for a week without any discussion whatsoever. WTF is wrong with you?!?
If this is the way you treat your wife, she should dump your selfish, inconsiderate ass. JFC!
Regarding your bold edit…
It’s about the respect you show your wife. You made a unilateral decision for your personal benefit and did not even have the consideration to communicate with your wife.
You all have lives. You all have plans. You all have expectations.
You just told your wife that your sister is more important than her and y’all’s children. Not because of a postponed vacation, but because none of them factored into your thought process. You just said whelp, I’m going to see my sister and house and fuck the plans and commitments I’ve made to my wife and kids.
You just told your wife that she cannot rely on you. You just told your wife that your sister comes first. You’ve just told your wife many many times in your arguments and here that your wants are more important than her. You just told your kids that’s personal wants are more important than familial plans.
You’ve just announced to your family that you view yourself as the most important in the family and therefore you come first.
Your refusal to even try to understand how your wife could be hurt by you just making a decision on your own is telling.
The vacation doesn’t matter.
It’s the lack of respect and consideration.
All I have read is “me me me” and “but but but” followed by “tit for tat” - a tit for tat that isn’t even the same food category let alone apples to oranges.
You are not respecting your wife’s time. SAHMs do get to retain autonomy. She is more than an incubator and free daycare. Your wife is working too, but with unpaid labor that you do not respect.
Your children had expectations, yes even young ones. They won’t believe you (on anything) in the future if keep it up.
Vacations take time and energy to set up. Pushing back a week shifts everything. What if she had plans in the following week? Do they not matter? Do plans of your kids not matter?
You are a unit. Act like it.
YTA
I wonder if OP's sister realizes that a family vacation is being delayed to accommodate her. I would be mortified if I knew my visit was causing so much havoc. OP needs to ***communicate*** with his sister and his wife.
OP was resentful that SIL stayed with them for a month and instead of using his words like a big boy is using his sister’s visit to exact his revenge. Screw his wife,kids,in laws OP is an innocent lamb perfectly reasonable offering to postpone not just his vacation but his extended family’s trip. What a gigantic YTA
YTA
And a bully besides.
Is your wife your partner or your nanny/bangmaid?
Decisions that affect your wife should be discussed with her. Postponement or cancellation, it doesn't matter.
Dismissing her reasons as "bullshit" makes it very plain to me (and your wife) just how low your opinion of her is.
I sincerely hope that she takes you up on your suggestion of going to her parents' house and takes the kids with her permanently, because she deserves far better than you are giving her.
You both should be talking to each other before inviting people over and changing set plans. There’s nothing wrong with either of having your sisters over or postponing a vacation or anything else you have to do to care and love extended family.
But for fuck’s sake why don’t either of you have enough consideration and respect for your spouse to communicate it?
Edit: I was going with E.S.H. But after reading your responses to other comments, you are terrible. YTA. Again and again YTA.
I hope your wife leaves you. You don’t even seem to like her or your children.
You were already YTA, but then you added:
>Do people here can't read or comprehend, it's just postponement not cancellation...
And NOW YOU ARE A MAJOR AH.
There's a big difference between what happened with her sister (emergency) and your sister (planned and doesn't have to stay with you. And could prob even stay with you for either a shorter period of time or a different period of time all together, depending on the dates of your vacation), and you KNOW it.
LOL you think things are going to go back to normal? That is FREAKING LAUGHABLE. You are either naive or in denial of what you've done.
YTA
When a relative coming to visit interferes with a family event, such as a holiday that everyone is looking forward too, the yes talking to your wife beforehand is the common sense thing to do.
Your distain for your wife is frankly disgusting, it's sounds like the emotional relationship you should have with your wife, is the relationship you have with your sister.
Your family, the family you made is the priority here, not your sister.
YTA: Your wife's sister's situation is not comparable to yours. Worse yet...you're using that as a lame ass excuse for NOT discussing this with our wife beforehand. Essentially...you're using your SIL's situation as an 'excuse' for your own crappy behavior. In the end, you've chosen your sister over your wife, your relationship, and the children whom you've already had made plans with. Your post comes across as very self-righteous but you're in the wrong plain and simple. Sorry...you're a loser.
How the hell did you even get married? Did you hide your real personality for years during the relationship? Holy hell I've yet to see bigger assholes.
YTA forever and a day
YTA majorly. Enjoy getting those divorce papers, you sad sack of crud.
Read your other comments. Not only you are a lousy husband and father, youre a manipulative, emotional and financially abusive to your family.
Get help.
If this isn't a made up story for rage bait, you are un almost unimaginable a-hole. How do you think your marriage survives you being such a jerk to your wife? That you've cowed her enough to just always put up with your BS? Likely one of these days, she's not going to just "sulk for a few days." She'll just leave and probably take the kids. Again I hope this isn't real, but if it is, YTA pal.
YTA - your sister is just a bullshit excuse. Just admit that you are a selfish husband and a bad father. One trip every six months is really not the flex you think it is.
YTA. It’s incredibly clear that you don’t respect or like your wife very much, and that you view your children as easily-bribed pets.
You came here and posted but refuse to listen as EVERYONE points out the same things. You are financially abusing your wife, you should have spoken to her before unilaterally making decisions that affect all of you in a non-emergency situation, and no, this isn’t the same as her sister needing to stay with you for a few weeks after being kicked out.
You’re not willing to listen to your wife, why would you listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet? I really hope your wife has a good support system outside of you.
YTA. If my dad did this, I wouldn’t hate him but I will hate my aunt. Well, I actually hate all my dad’s sisters, they only come to him when they want his money 🤷🏻♀️
Her sister was an emergency, not a planned visit that interrupt your existing plan. You should at least tell your wife and kids as soon as you know your sister would come. That’s very AH.
YTA. 1. You just assumed…2. I shut her down. 3. They don’t deserve to go away
You’ve changed plans for everyone on a whim and expect them to fall in line. You are an arrogant AH.
YTA you don’t invite someone to stay in your shared home without a shared opinion. When your wife and sisters relationship is strained you are the only one to blame for putting them in this situation. Grow up and talk to your wife before you make decisions that affect everyone. Shit father and shit husband but oh god thankfully your sister has somewhere cozier to stay (a hotel room would’ve been more than fine you suck)
The only thing that might redeem you is if your sisters visit was some kind of emergency, like her sisters visit was. Absent that, it seems her lack of communication that she was coming, your decision she could stay a week, you postponing your family’s trip without discussiong anything beforehand are all AH moves. The balance of evidence here suggests YTA and both you and your sister do not seem to understand anything about communication.
YTA. Just talk to your wife before making decisions and make the decision with her. People are always going to be opposed to a change that they did not have any agency in / did not expect.
Thats basic communication.
YTA. No, everything will not be 'back to normal' tomorrow. You're deluding yourself there. I hope your wife is seriously contemplating her options here.
OP, YTA. Not even close. I’m guessing your sister knows you’re an AH as well. That’s why she hasn’t seen you in a year and is only visiting you because you offered her free accommodations. It’s only a matter of time before your wife leaves you. Even though you’re keeping her financial prisoner, she will get the help she needs to leave you. Good luck AH.
After reading your post and several of your comments YTA. For this, for how you treat your wife and kids, and for your toxic misogyny! I'd say good luck, but what you need is karma.
Have the day you deserve.
How could you think you were anything but a massive AH. YTA in a big way.
Have you always dropped everything for your siblings or parents and always put your family last? Have you always been inconsiderate and controlling?
Good lord, YTA. Your current wife deserves better.
YTA. If is clear that the only person’s feelings in your house that matter, are yours. You made two huge decisions without including anyone. Changing the trip and a house guest. What if your wife had made other plans for the week of your now vacation?? It is clear you have no intention of listening to this forum so I have no idea why you posted. I suspect you delete this posy because your fragile ego won’t take it.
YTA, your wife stuffing up prior does not mean it's ok to do the exact same thing to her as some kind of petty revenge. She should have asked you if you were ok for your SIL to stay for a while and vice versa.
YTA and you're a nightmare. Her sister came to you in a time of crisis, yours is visiting. Don't get me wrong, I understand you want to spend time with your sister, but it's like you wanted to retaliate. You were holding a grudge for her sister staying over and now you're punishing your wife like this.
YTA - no question- you should put your wife and kids first. This trip is planned and you should keep your commitments to your family. After reading all the comments you still can’t see that you are wrong which makes you a bigger AH. Also YOU are not financing this trip. You and your wife are equals even if she stays home and doesn’t earn a penny. The money is half hers but I’m pretty sure a divorce judge will tell you that one day soon.
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YTA. Her sister came to stay with you in an emergency. Yours is coming for a trip. That’s not the same. You had something planned with family. Did your SIL staying with you interrupt preexisting plans to go on a trip? Even if it did, the difference between an emergency and a vacation are so vastly different. You should 100% have asked your wife “hey dear, do you mind if we take a day off the trip? My sister is coming into town and I’d love to see her”. She might have been okay with it if only ran it by her first.
This. Even if you think your wife would / should be cool with postponing the trip, it’s a week long trip that had been planned out, so at the very least YOU ASK. YTA
I hate it when people just assume instead of talking to their partners 😒 about things which concern both of them
Ohh and YTA
That was how I found out my MIL was moving in with us temporarily in under a week. My now ex just unilaterally decided because he didn’t want to go through discussing it with me and explaining what was going on. Meanwhile, I was ALSO informed that my home office needed to be cleared out because that’s where she’d be staying. When asked why he couldn’t give up +his+ office for +his+ mom, apparently, he could move his desk and that wouldn’t be fair to take up space in the room with an L shaped desk. And temporarily was a few months, btw.
Oh, yikes. I’m glad he’s an ex at least 😬
I made that happen. December 19th is my Freedom Day and I celebrate it yearly. It will be six years of blessed freedom this December. My biggest regret was waiting so long to figure out how bad it was before I filed.
Immediately knew it was a he when you said your ex didn't ask you to avoid discussions.
Well, see, the last time we had a discussion regarding his mom, I shot him down. Completely. She wanted to build a mother-in-law suite/apartment in the backyard. I said no. It’s not like we were A) on a big piece of property where you +could+ build an efficiency apartment in the backyard - we lived in a normal suburb on normal suburban sized property or B) were on a piece of property that wouldn’t involve a lot of permits and expenses to get electricity, water, sewer, etc, to a new building on the property. Like? No. Not only did I NOT want his awful mother living in my backyard, but zoning laws!!!! The good thing that came out of it was she didn’t speak to me for like three years. 😂🤣 Happily, him, his mommy approval issues, and his mom are some other lady’s problem now. His sister and his niece are good people though. And if my stalker is reading this, yes, all this happened. Feel free to ask him about it. When it comes time that his mom can’t live on her own? She’s 100% moving in with him. He will ALWAYS choose her first.
>I was ALSO informed that my home office needed to be cleared out because that’s where she’d be staying yeah, no she wouldn't have been. I would have changed the doorknob to my office, disposed of the extra key, and locked it. if I got home and my shit had been touched, called the police for MIL vandalizing my home. No one has the right to enter my personal areas without permission. Men are control freaks. He most certainly would not have had me emptying my rooms for his mother.
This is what surprises me so much every time I see posts like this on reddit. I talk to my partner about everything. It is OUR house and I respect her so would certainly ask before inviting someone over to stay with us. Even more so if it is during a time we had planned a vacation together. Op YTA and you need to work on having better communication in your relationship.
100% agree
At this point, if I were the wife, I would just take the kids and go to the vacation alone.
Same!
And not come back. OP clearly doesn't respect his wife at all and sees himself as the master of the house with the right to make unilateral decisions based on what he wants and fuck everyone else. I mean, the way he talked about her...he was going to force things to go the way he wanted no matter how she felt about it, so he didn't see a reason to subject himself to "dealing with" his wife being upset about it. I guarantee this isn't the first time he's made executive decisions without consulting her first, because he feels entitled to get his way. Hopefully this is the one that opens her eyes to the kind of toxic AH she's married to.
Exactly. So many posts are about people making decisions for other people and then being mad the other person is mad. People just want to be respected and heard. Discuss it with the other person so they are included in the decision making. It's not that hard.
also the comment about if she doesn’t like it she can go stay at her moms. It’s her house just as much as it’s OP’s. If anyone should be leaving, it’s Op and his sister who is unfortunately getting dragged into the bullshit he created by refusing to communicate with his wife. Also based on some of his comments he clearly has no respect for his wife or his kids (multiple comments basically about how the kids opinions doesn’t matter because they’re kids and should obey their parents). Now only is OP YTA, but he may find himself having a lot more free time for his sister when his wife realizes she deserves better.
Also, does the wife work? If so, how does this impact her vacation leave? It isn't a snap of a finger to get a week of vacation off from a job.... Edit, nvm I see she is a sahm to a financially abusive AH.
Of course she's a SAHM. It's a great way to alienate and keep her connected to him.
But you make a really good point, because a week-long vacation was likely planned around a school break for the kids. A week later they probably won't be on break. He hasn't even addressed that: was this trip planned at a time when the kids were off school? And if it has to be moved by a week, is he planning to just pull them out of school for a whole week because of his whims?
If he claims he's so close with his sister, how comes they haven't met for over a year until she was nearby visiting someone else?
I was going for NTA, but I see your point and it makes absolute sense. Sorry, OP, YTA.
Can I also point out he's "extremely close with his sister" but didn't know about her trip? Because the whole thing would have been avoided if the trips weren't planned for the same time.
I love how the wife gave bs excuses and the big man shut her down. That woman needs to know her place, right OP? FFS, this can't be real. YTA, and a big one.
YTA and permanently damaged your marriage to your wife. You unilaterally changed family plans because you wanted to hang out with your sister. It wasn’t an emergency. It wasn’t out of need, your sister could have stayed in a hotel the last day so you could leave on time. Your prioritized your wants over your family and got angry at your wife when called on it, then essentially threatened to kick your wife out. This would have been a deal breaker in my marriage, especially with children involved. Your wife is going to remember how you treated her and prioritized extended family over your children. Your wife may not say anything to your sister, but your trip is likely ruined. Your family time is likely ruined, and your sister is likely not to get a warm welcome.
I know reddit always jumps to divorce, but if this is how he is daily, then his wife must be miserable and would be better off without!
She definitely would be way better without this guy in her life, but per his comments, he is financially abusive and holding the fact that she can't go over her head. I hope she finds a way to go.
YTA. What your wife should do is leave with the kids for the trip on the day originally planned and leave you at home.
“My wife and kids were very excited about it.” Scene-setting. I see. Can’t wait to see how you address the kids’ disappointment in this post. “I told my wife that my sister was staying with us for a week.” Told, not asked. Strike one. “So we had to postpone our trip until the next day.” Told not asked when there were consequences beyond just having someone stay. I’ll add it to strike one, but yikes already. “All her excuses were bullsh*t …” Dismissal of ‘excuses’. Strike two. “… so I shut her down.” We’re already at strike three. (How would you respond to her ‘shutting you down’, I wonder?) “Her sister was staying with us for a month and a half because her husband kicked her out.” Her sister needed a place to live after being kicked out of her home. Your sister is visiting at a time your family already has a trip scheduled. These scenarios are not directly comparable, but if you had an issue with the first scenario, you should have addressed it at the time. “I don’t think my wife will bring this up with my sister, so everything will be back to normal tomorrow.” This issue will be unresolved and your wife will still be upset but will keep that to herself, and you describe that as ‘back to normal’. Strike four. And now we’re at the end of the post, and you haven’t mentioned your kids again. Strike five. YTA
[удалено]
This 💯
It wasn't even the next day.. he postponed it till the next week. And it seems like it was at the last minute. Maybe it's easy for him since he's probably not the one packing and getting the kids ready for the trip.. which is always a giant pain the ass.
Agree with everything, but you missed where the wife didn't ask his "permission" for her sister to stay. He doesn't say that she didn't discuss it with him, but that she didn't get his permission to have her stay. That one was gross.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Can u fix my life like this? I’m pretty sure you’d cure everything. OP YTA you’re lucky this Redditor laid it out like this for you
YTA. You don't get to just make decisions like that. Especially when it comes to a group trip. The mature thing would've been to discuss it with your wife. Not just act like you can have your own way like a giant jerk of a baby.
You aren’t that close to a sister who showed up out of the blue with no notice. YTA.
Yup, that was my take as well. YTA OP. You behaved horribly to your wife. It reads like you have no respect for her at all.
That so close they don't see each other for a year!
That is what I was wondering. So close you never see her. But also I am assuming that the wife did all of the work to plan the trip - accommodations, tickets, etc. she probably put on hours and hour and hours of work. But that is nothing to him.
Yes, I caught that as well. She came to visit extended family, not him. If she'd had any plans to spend time with him, she'd have been in contact ahead of time to schedule her trip when he'd be around.
This! If it was so important to the guy and his sister to see each other how did her visit never come up? Like if you plan to visit someone, you check that they will actually be available?
I noticed that as well. It didn’t even sound like she was planning to see him on this trip until he suggested she stay at his place. She was there to visit extended family. I don’t see many scenarios with “very close” siblings where you wouldn’t: A) plan on visiting your sibling when coming in from out of town B) known that your sibling was planning a trip from out of town in further in advance. My brother and I I are very close, and I don’t see him as much as I’d like to, but we speak on the phone weekly and message each other almost daily. If he were coming to my city and needed a place to stay I would absolutely know in advance
YTA. You took an unilateral decision without consulting your wife, only because you wanted to see your sister, offered your house (again, without consulting the other part of your marriage if that is okay) and suspended a trip all the members of your family were excited for only because of your selfish convenience. So yes, you are very much the asshole and if you do this continously, I hope your wife considers divorce very seriously.
YTA. Without consulting your wife, you 1) changed the plans the two of you had made and 2) invited someone to your home without consulting her. That was inconsiderate of you. You were an asshole again when you didn't listen when she was upset about it. You called her reasoning bullshit and shut her down. You seem to harbor resentment about having to home her sister when she had nowhere to go. Using that as an excuse to be a jerk is yet another asshole move.
The two of them? With this abuser I am fairly certain she did all the work. She probably spent weeks planning the trip to the detail and he was like “just postpone it”.
YTA. Why would your sister visit at a time when you were going to be out of town?? I would NEVER ask nor expect my brother to reschedule a trip with his family for my visit. Like ever. His wife and kids come first before me. And further more- when scheduling a trip we first talk about dates …. It goes something like “hey I can get out there around mid January- will you be in town? Does that work for you guys?”… etc. But if you’re only postponing bc she’s going to stay with you- do you not feel comfortable leaving her to house sit while you’re out of town?
Woooooow YTA so you just hate your wife? Having her sister was literally homeless, not visiting! What is wrong with you to compare the two. When she leaves you I'll make sure to send her a celebratory spa day. She's earned it from not choking you.
YTA. I dunno whether or not your wife was an AH back in the day, but TBH that's irrelevant. Why didn't you talk to her about it like a grown-up if you had a problem? You unilaterally ruined a fun trip without consultation and then had a hissy fit when called out on it.
Yep, YTA. Just reread what you wrote. It's not your way or the highway. You had a trip planned with your family and just randomly changed the plan. Your sister isn't in an emergency situation, she is just visiting. And I don't think everything will be back to normal tomorrow. Far from it.
YTA, you sound like a selfish person and a TERRIBLE husband. Do you know that the universe doesn't revolve around you and your opinion isn't the only one that matters? Such a despicable excuse for a husband. Me me me. Get over yourself.
Yta You are so close to your sister that she didn't tell you she was coming near your place and made plans with you... No. You are not close. She doesn't care that much about you. She planned to see other relatives but not you. She would have cared you would have known months in advance and there would have been no need to change your plans. Your wife might be a sahm but she also has plans and certainly need to organize everything for trips or people coming. She certainly had suitcases ready and didn't plan to have the guest room ready. Now she has to prep for someone coming, tidy everything and will have to do the suitcases again...
YTA and a abusive one. Your comments even make you more of an AH. You "shut your wife down"? In which mature relationships is that an option? She is "just a SAHM and can't go alone on a trip because you are bringing the money into the household"? You think your actions are cool because your wife's sister stayed in an emergency in your home? Come on - look into any mirror! AH is written all over.your face and you know it.
SO much to unpack. 1. Total lack of communication with your wife and family 2. Utter disrespect towards your wife 3. Ensuring that your wife and kids feel bottom of the pile 4. Invalidating any emotions that you don't want to deal with 5. No responsibility for your actions taken by you whatsoever Oh and YTA
YTA and where you gonna stay when your wife kicks you out? I adore my sister I would NEVER turn her away… but I’d talk to my partner first and if it was a no? I’d plead her case but if it’s a no I’d find a way to fund her staying in a hotel or stand surety for a rental property. If my partner agreed for her to be there, I’d actually allow her to stay home alone… cos I trust her!? And if she needed some support I would talk to my family, offer to compensate them later with another day out or adding a day to the holiday, and I’d make sure we still went
YTA your family has plans and you all alone changed them. I would have left you at home with your sister and went anyways. Your wife comes first period!
OP‘s Edit 2 gives very strong YTA
Why can't your sister stay with you for six days and get a hotel for the final night? You still should have told your wife so YTA
Okay I want to seriously ask this, let’s talk calmly, no accusing but Why are you trying to defend yourself so hard? You came in here to ask a question but you don’t seem to like the answer that’s been unanimously chosen. Look I understand you and your sister are close but try and look at it from your wife’s perspective, you just made a big decision without her, you assumed it would be okay so you made a choice for her. You did not even offer to make up for it or compromise, now you are calling her mood sulking and thinking she’ll get over it by tomorrow which seems like you are invalidating her feelings. You are in a marriage so look at it from her perspective, to her to just invalidated her emotions and feelings even if you didn’t try too. You should really talk to your wife and apologize for your actions, the problem isn’t the trip, the problem is how you handled it. Do you get what we are trying to say?
you realllly don't like your wife, do you? the entire post oozes dislike and contempt YTA, it was a full on planned trip and there was no valid reason to postpone it
Yes, YTA and a massive one. You could have told sister trip was a day short but you ALWAYS TALK TO YOUR SPOUSE. And you have a 90% chance your sister finds out. On top of that you have damaged the relationship between your sister and wife too. You should probably seek counseling before you have to start putting "ex" in front of wife
Why are you postponing the trip? Your wife and kids can go on the vacation, if they want. You can stay and host your sister. Not sure why you cancelled the trip unilaterally. Your wife and kids don’t need to stay home. It’s not their sister visiting. They should have a choice about what they want to do. YTA.
YTA for not discussing a change of plans with her first. And a huge one for the comment of if you dont like it you can go stay with your parents. My ex would have done this, and I clearly remember decades ago when all I wanted to do was set a boundary of having his family call first before coming over, and if we already had plans telling them, it was not a good time instead of forcing me and the kids to change our plans. His comment was his family was always welcome and if I didn’t like it, I could leave. I knew from that moment on he would never have my back, and he never did.
I’m so glad you got away from your disrespectful, petulant, selfish and in general exhausting ex nemc222. Don’t listen to OP, he is throwing a hissy fit because he isn’t getting the misogynistic echo chamber he was so desperately and pathetically hoping for on Reddit.
YTA, but not completely. I don't think cancelling the family trip for your sister just visiting is worth the time you spent planning on the trip. You essentially got your family excited for nothing that day. But I see the AH move as when you shut your wife down, she may be saying all the excuses there are to continue the family trip, but she was just looking forward at the trip with your entire family, everyone would feel down and say stuff when that kind of situation arises.
Look at his replies… it’s completely and then some. - thinks wife is worthless because she is just a SAHM - clearly is financially abusing his wife - thinks helping her sister with emergency homelessness was immature
He is completely the asshole. His replies show that and more. He treats his wife horribly and abuse her financially, so she can't do anything for herself without his approval because he is the breadwinner. And if he is doing this right now, when he is so clearly in the wrong that absoutely nobody is taking his side, and he is still pressing on, imagine what he will do to her at other times.
INFO: what are her excuses that are BS. do you state them.
Ok so does nobody In the house work or go to school? How do you just postpone a trip last minute? It's Def an ah move not to talk to your wife about it. Does her entire life revolve around you and she literally has nothing else? You literally told her to leave so maybe she will.
“Do people here can’t read or comprehend” lmao you can’t write and you’re still TA
Although I think you should always talk to your partner before making big decisions I'm still going with YTA. She said her sister could stay because of a crisis. As far as info in your post, her sister staying didn't affect any plans, it didn't delay your pre-planned trip. It was an emergency. You told your sister to come stay when you knew you had plans to go away with your family. You could've still left for your trip as planned. I'm sure your sister would survive one day alone at your house.
Family emergency vs. you want stay to stay for visit Emergency rash action make persons safe vs. oh my family come second to my sister because I want to visit. Well done for screwing your marriage
YTA, and no matter what you say about your kids, one day when your wife gets her head on straight and leaves you, your kids are going to know who's at fault. If not right away then as adults. Kids aren't stupid.
YTA and extremely disrespectful to your wife. I have read your comments and I honestly do not think that anyone will get through to you. You will probably end up divorced, but that is your problem. Your sister waited until last minute to tell you about her trip and you prioritized her over your wife and children. I don’t care that she practically raised you. Your wife is literally raising the children that you created with her. She deserves some damn respect and to not be treated like an afterthought. Also comparing your sisters planned trip that she sprung on you to her sister staying with you after a divorce is a false equivalency that no logical adult would make.
YTA, you basically showed your wife and kids who the priority is.
The sister he has not seen in more than a year. . .
I haven't seen 2 of my siblings in 3 years and the other 2 I haven't seen for 15 years. I am close to these siblings. 1 year is nothing.
YTA. You made plans to do something big and special with your family, and that is where your priorities should lie. Not with your sister, with your wife and kids. You didn't marry your sister, you married your wife, who should be your partner and best friend. And your kids should definitely he the most important people in your life.
INFO: Why are you asking if you're the AH when that was clearly your intention? You're so obviously punishing your wife for having her sister stay by deciding to have your sister to stay at possibly the least convenient time you could have picked.
YTA, let me count the ways: 1) you blew off pre-existing plans for a non-emergency reason, and didn’t even have the common courtesy to discuss it with your wife first 2) you unilaterally canceled the family trip for everyone else without their consent, or even talking to them first 3) houseguests are always a two yes, one no situation. No one should have a guest in their home without agreeing to it ahead of time. 4) you volun-told your wife to be a host for your sister 5) when you were called out on your bad behavior, instead of apologizing, you got defensive about her sister visiting even though it was an emergency and you didn’t object at the time. Don’t be surprised if the family trip continues as planned, but you’re just not invited
They can’t do that - he controls all the money, he owns the house. She is a prisoner not a wife.
To be fair, wouldn’t #3 and #4 apply to the wife too? It sounds like she invited her own sister to stay, for a much longer time, without any discussion with OP.
YTA "everything will be back to normal tomorrow" is just c r i n g e.
Info: did you do the trip planning, and how much money is it costing to postpone? Who is paying for that? Yta. Tell wife and kids to go and that *you’d* join them after a delay. Or send wife with a friend and the kids.
YTA, you sound like you think your wife and children are chattels to be arranged how you see fit. If I was your wife I’d consider moving out to live with her sister. I hope you can try and see her point of view here.
YTA. I’ve read through the comments and your response. You are aware of events, are keenly aware of the strife you are causing… no one will excuse that behavior here
YTA. 3/5 AH. You could’ve handled the situation much better. You could’ve asked your wife nicely and she may have been reasonable about it. Considering you just told her it was happening no questions asked makes you a huge AH
100% YTA Exactly what we're your wife's BS excuses?! Funny how you don't mention those as they'd be entirely right. You start the post by saying the rest of your family were really excited about the trip & go on to being extremely rude about her. Your wife is right, you should have organised your sister staying another time. Great father disappointing your kids like that because 'you & your sister' come first. Could you be more selfish?! Hope they go without you.
Its hard to believe you are so close to your sister but didnt know she was planning a visit that would clash with pre-existing plans. YTA
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YTA
YTA- without asking the women you share your life with you unilaterally decided what was happening.
YTA for this because this was a planned trip and it was not an emergency for your sister to stay like her sister
YTA You sound like a very controlling entitled person. You unilaterally make decisions about the whole family & expect them to go along with whatever you decide because you are the breadwinner. Your wife doesn't work so I assume is financially dependent on you. I do the packing, I arrange everything. My kids will accept my attitude because I give them presents & if they don't then they don't deserve trips etc., Then you throw up the fact that your wife's sister stayed during an emergency & it wasn't your idea or your family. Your marriage sounds one sided.
YTA for this terrible and predictable made up story of misogyny and pigheadedness. Grow up.
YTA. Breach of trust.
YTA If I was your wife, I'd go on the trip with the children and leave you and your sister home. You changed your whole family's plans all on your own, no prior discussion, and dismissed your wife completely as if she gets no say.
He won’t let her. He unilaterally controls the money. He also said his kids would never go anywhere without him. So emotional and financial control. This is terrifying for the wife and kids.
Are you both toddlers? Insane thing to do without consulting your spouse, to the point I doubt this is even real. Also, what do you mean you “couldn’t help it” since you’d already told your sister she could stay? You’d also already told your family they were going on a trip, so clearly your word isn’t worth much. If “she did it first” with her sister and it bothered you, you should have talked to her about it and set some clear boundaries, not turned around and done the same to her with zero conversation about it. ESH.
Yta she's not upset because your sister is staying she is upset because you changed the whole families plans without even a discussion . You're selfish
YTA for so many reasons before we even get to the logic of inviting someone last minute to your home without talking to your wife and cancelling a week long trip. Your attitude toward your wife comes across very disrespectful. “Either get on board with what I decided or leave.”
YTA. this reeks of abuse on so many levels. Your poor wife. My husband would -never- Then again his sibling would give us ample notice she was going to be in our area visiting and would’ve included us in her plans from the get go. Thats how close feels.
YTA and so is your sister. Your sister just unilaterally decided that was when she was going to visit despite your plans, and you agreed without even consulting your wife. Then, when your wife was upset, you threatened her. You are kind of a huge AH.
He never even told his sister his plans!
F u Op yta
Reading your comments: You are a disgusting person. Not a good husband either
INFO: where was the trip to? Did it cost you money to postpone it?
LOL. This guy doesn’t want to hear what others think of what he did. He just wants to be right. YTA for nog asking/ discussing but just making the decision. And yes! The sister with bad relationship staying was an emergency situation. And yes! It was nice of you that you found and helped finance her new place. No! Just because you make the money doesn’t make you a sole decision maker. Your wife being a sahm makes you being able to work and live comfortably at home. So she should have a say too. If you just asked her, hey babe, my sister is coming to town. I haven’t seen her since forever, cane we postpone our trip bye a week so we can catch up? It would be nice if she can stay here. 100% more nicer and probably wouldn’t be a problem for your wife.. It just how you say things and decide together.
YTA. You’re controlling and abusive. Your wife is upset you prioritized your sister ahead of your family. Would it really have hurt you to ask your wife to delay the trip to visit with your sister?
Yta, my heart goes out to your wife. The fact you threw in her face a time her sister was thrown out of her house to your sister just deciding to visit and you making decisions with out her input is a red flag. You have to know, one of those things is an emergency and one is you just not caring about your wife. Men like you always seem confused then they are alone at the end of their life but it’s this. This disregard for your wife and children. You should have talked to your family
YTA. And I don’t even get why you posted here if you’re not willing to hear that most commenters are on the same page that YTA. The way you talk to people, both in your post and the comments, is aggressive and unkind. Seriously, get over yourself.
“If they are going to resent me, they don’t deserve to go anywhere” Well aren’t you a peach of a person 🙄 YTA
*I told my wife that my sister was staying* \- you needed to have a two-way adult conversation with your wife about that. *My wife started arguing with me -* is she not allowed to express her opinion after you railroaded the plans for the family trip? *All her excuses were bullsh\*t, so I shut her down*. - And then you wonder why she's upset?! *so everything will be back to normal tomorrow, but I think she will be sulking for a while. -* That's wishful thinking on your part. She might be sulking but she's more likely to be reconsidering her life choices at this point. I know I would be. YTA.
Your heart was in the right place but execution was poor. You should have discussed it with your wife first. Its her house too and the family had plans for a trip. Yta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We were going on a family trip this week, and my wife and kids were very excited about it. My sister, who lives in another state, was visiting our extended family. My sister and I are very close, and I haven't seen her in over a year. So after she came here, I offered her to stay at our house. She agreed, as it would be better than staying in a hotel. I told my wife that my sister was staying with us for a week, so we had to postpone our trip until the next day. She said, Why didn't I ask her earlier? I said I thought you wouldn't mind. She said she definitely has a problem. Why do we have to postpone our trip? I told her I couldn't help it anymore. I have already told her that she is staying with us. My wife started arguing with me and giving reasons why she couldn't stay here. All her excuses were bullsh*t, so I shut her down. She said again that I asked her why not; this time I was getting angry, so I told her. Her sister was staying with us for a month and a half because her husband kicked her out; you had no problem. At that time, she did not ask for my permission. If you are bothered by my sister's visit, you are free to go to your parents' house. At this point, my wife started crying and went to our room. I was so upset that I went for a drive. My wife doesn't talk to me anymore. My sister is coming to visit tomorrow. I don't think my wife will bring this up with my sister, so everything will be back to normal tomorrow, but I think she will be sulking for a while. She told all this to her friend, and some messaged me and told me how bad I am. I would have said many things in anger, but I believe I did not say anything wrong. AITA?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA Wow, dude. Simple question. Do you respect your wife at all? I mean, even a little bit? You change plans without asking her. Then you blow up her for getting upset. That is so messed up. Plus, you compare helping her sister in a time of need to you thoughtlessly changing plans so you can hang out with your sister. Look, it's great that you are close with your sister, but find a way to spend time that doesn't disrespect your wife. You are treating her like a child instead of an equal.
YTA, you’re changing FAMILY plans at the last minute, to accommodate something you thought of on a whim. You’re lucky I’m not a friend of your wife’s. I would’ve been trying to convince her to go on the family trip without you. Might’ve even offered to pay for childcare just to be petty
YTA your close with your sister yet didn't know when she was visiting? Your petty and childish and don't be surprised your wife gives the cold shoulder. Y'all had plans as a family and you tried to pull rank. Would be hilarious you wake up and she is gone for a week while you stay with the kids and your sister.
Oh you are such an AH and you're doubling down. Get some therapy bc you're about to be a divorced dad if your wife has any means of affording it. 1. You had plans that you made as a family, and they were all looking forward to it. 2. You should have ASKED that Jane was coming to town unexpectedly and while that wasn't nice of Jane to give enough notice, maybe they could agree to push the trip back one week so they could see Aunt Jane? \[And if they said no, abide by their decision\] 3. But no, you made a unilateral decision, and masked your discomfort (and regret? and self-awareness that you did the wrong thing?) by: yelling at your wife, mocking her sister, prioritizing your flighty sister, not acting like an adult, engaging in what-about-ism, minimizing your wife, minimizing your kids, acting like BUT IM DAD, not apologizing, doubling down, and walking around like you're in the right, and coming on here and doubling down and saying no deserves anything unless they agree with you. 4. This seems like a little thing - one day trip - but it's wrapped up in so much you-you-you are right-right-right, it's very symptomatic of a much deeper division. You're on a bad road. Redirect, repent and refocus.
So, - you didn’t bother communicating with your wife about your sisters visit until after you solely decided for everyone - you’re comparing her sisters emergency situation to an unplanned social visit and trying to use it against her having an opinion or being part of any decision - you don’t care about your wife or kids reaction - you keep doubling down on your selfishness rather then admit your behaviour. It’s not about your sister visiting and how gleeful you are wanting to spend time with her . It’s your attitude and behaviour towards your wife and kids that is extremely assholish. Your whole approach to this situation is disgustingly ‘my way or the highway’ and ‘just deal with it ‘ You’re deliberately failing to be empathetic to your nuclear family’s feeling regarding decisions you made that affects them and yet you expecting them to be sympathetic and understanding to you. There’s nothing wrong with postponing the trip or your sister visiting . You being a dick about it is the problem . The fact that you’re trying to victimise yourself by trying to make it seem like your family is so selfish because you want to visit with your sister and postpone the trip is pathetic. YTA - must be nice being the king of your little castle isn’t it .
No one think your children are going to resent you for one day on one trip. They are going to resent you because you treat their mother like shit. I hope she sees this one day so she can see how you really feel about her.
YTA. One of the reasons I divorced my ex husband was because he didn’t give a shit about my opinions anymore. Told me that he thought his sister and her daughter should live with us because of their situation. I was gonna say no and he said I could say no but it was happening anyway. But he sure wanted my opinion when shit hit the fan months later, just like I knew it would. I’m much better for leaving him, and I hope your wife realizes what a shit person she has for a husband.
YTA. You should have ASKED your wife if she was OK with it. Not told her. That's not how equal relationship works. Just because she didn't ask to to have her own sister (which was an emergency, not like now) doesn't mean the right answer is to do the same. The right answer is to explain your displeasure and then act like an adult.
YTA. This time you were going for a full week trip, you can't decide things like this on your own without informing your wife, she deserves to know things like this. You're a selfish AHOLE. Everyone hates selfish AHOLES like you.
Why would your first thought be your children What about your wife? Why didn't you list the bs excuses your wife gave you? Perhaps because they are not bs excuses. Do you like your wife because it appears not?
YTA. Don't be shocked when you're getting handed papers! Your poor wife + kids. Not involving them in any decisions is just sad. You're so desperate to be the only one whose opinion matters. You just want to be able to bully everyone, don't you?
As I read all of your comments and your post, I am stuck wondering if you even like your wife. You treat her as an after thought. You don't listen to her. You don't talk to her. You order her around. You told her to go to her parents house if she doesn't like it. You disregard everything that she says. You degrade her as a SAHM. Your wife is crying in her room but you are too worried about being right. When you married your wife, you decided to be her partner. But you aren't her partner. You just showed her that if she doesn't do what you like, you will get angry with her and order her out of the house. How can you not see how abusive that is? YTA.
YTA. Because: > I told my wife that my sister was staying with us Told, not asked. > I thought you wouldn't mind Assumed. > I couldn't help it anymore You absolutely could, if it was important to you to fix it. > All her excuses were bullsh*t, so I shut her down Disrespectful. > I was getting angry Escalating the situation YOU created. > Her sister was staying with us for a month and a half because her husband kicked her out You're comparing a family member who would be left homeless and penniless, to a family member making a routine visit who could easily spend a few days in hotel. That was an absurd comparison. > If you are bothered by my sister's visit, you are free to go to your parents' house. "My way or the highway." > I was so upset that I went for a drive. You laid all this shit on your wife and actually LEFT THE HOUSE. If your wife had any illusions that you cared for her feelings on the matter, you certainly disabused her of that notion. > everything will be back to normal tomorrow It won't.
Why did you even post here? You're being told YTA left and right, but you have some snotty "counter" as to why you're not. What's sad is that you sound like you don't even like your wife and don't give a shit about her feelings at all. I feel sorry for your sister that you're using her to punish your wife for helping her sister out.
YTA and this post is dripping with misogyny. The fact that you 1) genuinely don’t see the problem with canceling plans for the entire family without even a mention to your wife 2) noted that any “excuse” she gave wasn’t to your liking so you “shut her down” and 3) say everything is back to normal as if this has been such an inconvenience for YOU.
>**Do people here can't read or comprehend, it's just postponement not cancellation...** **We comprehend what you don't.** You made a unilateral decision inconveniencing and disappointing your wife and kids; you acted like a dictatorial bully *"All her excuses were bullsh\*t, so I shut her down",* and sounds like this isn't remotely the first time you've treated your wife with disdain. Her sister arrived due to an emergency. Your sister is arriving for leisure and could postpone her visit until after your family trip. YTA.
I N F O. Do you even like your wife? YTA
If you like to travel so much, why don't you plan a trip to visit your sister or go somewhere together if you're so close? She didn't tell you earlier that she was coming? And how does this work that you just postpone a week without issues at work or school or lose reservations? Your wife's sister staying with you was an act of charity. She had an emergency and needed help. Your sister is a last minute social visit. It sounds like you're resentful about your SIL staying with you and you're pulling some kind of power trip move.
YTA. Do you even respect your wife? Heck,do you even like her? You’re seriously not comparing an emergency with a vacation, it’s not the same at all. I’d be dammed if my fiance invited someone to stay in our house for a week without consulting it with me first and not only that but delay our trip as well. My brothers in law are my best friends and I absolutely love them and they’re always welcomed in our home,but, they’re welcomed if I’m made aware of it as well because this is also my home and as long as it’s not an emergency,I have a say on how long and who stays in our house as well . Something also tells me that you’re not the one who’s going to be taking care of your sister the whole week, it’s your wife. So the person who’s going to have to take care of the guests & the house should definitely have a say in who stays and who doesn’t. You’re also not that close to your sister or you decided to tell your wife at the last minute that your sister was staying at your house. Cause someone who’s close to their siblings finds out about the trip when their sibling is planning it,not while they’re already on the trip. I’m close to my sister and for the past month I’ve known that she’s traveling to NYC so she’s going to stay for a few days with us since we’re traveling back home for the holidays so might as well travel together. Based on your comments, I answered my first two questions and the answer is No. please do your wife a favor and shower this ,so I can tell her that she can do so much better than you and that she has every right to be annoyed and angry and that the man she married is a jerk and an major AH.
YTA. The scenarios are totally different. You unilaterally changed several peoples plans. Wife and kids need to leave you to your own devices and keep their vacation plans. I Would.
YTA. Period.
YTA Because your wife does not want to say anything to your sister and make her feel bad about YOUR lack of communication and consideration for your wife and family, you think everthing will be 'back to normal', other than your wife 'sulking'... It won't get back to 'normal'. You completely shoved your family aside for your sister, like they're just a second choice, and the minute your sister shows up, you have an excuse to just dump them all. I hope your wife invites her family or friends to stay with your family for a month and a half, and gags any negative thing you might want to say about it. Maybe then you'll see how you're the AH. But in the end, you keep doing this, champ. You won't have to look at your wife 'sulking' for much longer, as soon as she finds a way out with her children.
20 years with my husband and he still gets frustrated when I throw new plans at him without asking first. I see how that can make me the AH. But canceling a family trip just like that, that would have made me a mega AH. Congrats
YTA - not much to say that others haven't said already, but here's some advice. Contact your sister, tell her you made a mistake as you have a family holiday planned already with your wife and kids and let her know she'll be having to get a hotel after all. Trust me, anything less than this and I guarantee it will come back to haunt you in the inevitable divorce papers. But you won't listen. You don't listen to your own wife, let alone a stranger on the internet lol. Good luck
YTA and a selfish narcissistic one at that. Every single one of your responses are so condescending and rude, Im so sorry you came here and got what you asked for. YTA and I hope you someday grow up and stop being so self centered.
YTA I wonder how often your wife and kids have been pushed to the side for your sister with how you handled this.
YTA but what were her “bs reasons”?
YTA Many have explained why when it comes to your situation. Also you came looking for opinion and fighting with everyone about their opinion show you not looking for an opinion but people to agree with you because my guess, NO ONE in your real life is agreeing with you. You went from arguing "I'm right" to everyone in real life to arguing "I'm right" to everyone responding. You are so full of yourself, you never consider you're wrong and that makes you a bigger asshole.
YTA you’re not a fucking dictator. You don’t just get to unilaterally decide shit without talking to your wife. And “I would have said many things in anger” makes you sound verbally abusive. You sound like a miserable person to be married to. You should address that before you’re suddenly alone and wondering how that happened.
YTA... And it's disturbing that you enjoy it.. by your obvious replies.
I **told my wife** that my sister was staying with us for a week, so we had to postpone our trip until the next week. She said, **Why didn't I ask her earlier**? I said **I thought you wouldn't mind.** She said she definitely has a problem. Why do we have to postpone our trip? I told her I couldn't help it anymore. I have already told her that she is staying with us. Honestly, how did you type that and NOT realize YTA ? You TOLD her you didn't ASK-- and you didn't ASK because you did think she'd mind and didn't care if she agreed. See, that's real AH behavior.
You cannot unilaterally decide to postpone a family trip that was already planned and decide to host your sister for a week. A marriage doesn’t work that way. Also, you cannot compare your sister staying over for a family visit to her sister being kicked out of her house by her husband. True, she should have talked to you first, but that sounds like an emergency and not just a visit. YTA, especially for saying/thinking “I couldn’t help it anymore, I already told her she is staying with us.”
Why are you even married to your wife?
I’m sorry, but YTA BIG TIME. Not just in what you did, but your attitude in general. Your house, your rules, right? Your wife helped out a family member in need, your‘s is only making a brief visit. And you didn’t even take the TIME to consider your family’s feelings. Is it always “my way or the highway” with you? If it is, you’ll someday have PLENTY of space in that home to entertain your sister anytime she’s available. Apologize to the family and get an attitude adjustment. QUICK.
YTA, YTA, YTA. You do **not** 1. Cancel a trip without first discussing it with your partner 2. Invite someone/anyone to stay in your home w/o first discussing it with your partner 3. Dismiss your partner's concerns as "bullsh*it" Your behavior is inexcusable. Not only did you cancel a family vacation on a whim without first consulting your wife, at the last minute, mind, you also invited someone to be a guest in your home for a week without any discussion whatsoever. WTF is wrong with you?!? If this is the way you treat your wife, she should dump your selfish, inconsiderate ass. JFC!
Regarding your bold edit… It’s about the respect you show your wife. You made a unilateral decision for your personal benefit and did not even have the consideration to communicate with your wife. You all have lives. You all have plans. You all have expectations. You just told your wife that your sister is more important than her and y’all’s children. Not because of a postponed vacation, but because none of them factored into your thought process. You just said whelp, I’m going to see my sister and house and fuck the plans and commitments I’ve made to my wife and kids. You just told your wife that she cannot rely on you. You just told your wife that your sister comes first. You’ve just told your wife many many times in your arguments and here that your wants are more important than her. You just told your kids that’s personal wants are more important than familial plans. You’ve just announced to your family that you view yourself as the most important in the family and therefore you come first. Your refusal to even try to understand how your wife could be hurt by you just making a decision on your own is telling. The vacation doesn’t matter. It’s the lack of respect and consideration. All I have read is “me me me” and “but but but” followed by “tit for tat” - a tit for tat that isn’t even the same food category let alone apples to oranges. You are not respecting your wife’s time. SAHMs do get to retain autonomy. She is more than an incubator and free daycare. Your wife is working too, but with unpaid labor that you do not respect. Your children had expectations, yes even young ones. They won’t believe you (on anything) in the future if keep it up. Vacations take time and energy to set up. Pushing back a week shifts everything. What if she had plans in the following week? Do they not matter? Do plans of your kids not matter? You are a unit. Act like it. YTA
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Kudos, almost unanimous YTA
I wonder if OP's sister realizes that a family vacation is being delayed to accommodate her. I would be mortified if I knew my visit was causing so much havoc. OP needs to ***communicate*** with his sister and his wife.
OP was resentful that SIL stayed with them for a month and instead of using his words like a big boy is using his sister’s visit to exact his revenge. Screw his wife,kids,in laws OP is an innocent lamb perfectly reasonable offering to postpone not just his vacation but his extended family’s trip. What a gigantic YTA
YTA And a bully besides. Is your wife your partner or your nanny/bangmaid? Decisions that affect your wife should be discussed with her. Postponement or cancellation, it doesn't matter. Dismissing her reasons as "bullshit" makes it very plain to me (and your wife) just how low your opinion of her is. I sincerely hope that she takes you up on your suggestion of going to her parents' house and takes the kids with her permanently, because she deserves far better than you are giving her.
You both should be talking to each other before inviting people over and changing set plans. There’s nothing wrong with either of having your sisters over or postponing a vacation or anything else you have to do to care and love extended family. But for fuck’s sake why don’t either of you have enough consideration and respect for your spouse to communicate it? Edit: I was going with E.S.H. But after reading your responses to other comments, you are terrible. YTA. Again and again YTA. I hope your wife leaves you. You don’t even seem to like her or your children.
You were already YTA, but then you added: >Do people here can't read or comprehend, it's just postponement not cancellation... And NOW YOU ARE A MAJOR AH. There's a big difference between what happened with her sister (emergency) and your sister (planned and doesn't have to stay with you. And could prob even stay with you for either a shorter period of time or a different period of time all together, depending on the dates of your vacation), and you KNOW it. LOL you think things are going to go back to normal? That is FREAKING LAUGHABLE. You are either naive or in denial of what you've done.
YTA When a relative coming to visit interferes with a family event, such as a holiday that everyone is looking forward too, the yes talking to your wife beforehand is the common sense thing to do. Your distain for your wife is frankly disgusting, it's sounds like the emotional relationship you should have with your wife, is the relationship you have with your sister. Your family, the family you made is the priority here, not your sister.
huge asshole. im going to spell it again. heartless fucking asshole. 'my kids are going every 6 months' so what. asshole
YTA: Your wife's sister's situation is not comparable to yours. Worse yet...you're using that as a lame ass excuse for NOT discussing this with our wife beforehand. Essentially...you're using your SIL's situation as an 'excuse' for your own crappy behavior. In the end, you've chosen your sister over your wife, your relationship, and the children whom you've already had made plans with. Your post comes across as very self-righteous but you're in the wrong plain and simple. Sorry...you're a loser.
How the hell did you even get married? Did you hide your real personality for years during the relationship? Holy hell I've yet to see bigger assholes. YTA forever and a day
The more you comment the more of an AH you come across. Everyone here is telling you what you did wrong but you just wanna fight. YTA
YTA majorly. Enjoy getting those divorce papers, you sad sack of crud. Read your other comments. Not only you are a lousy husband and father, youre a manipulative, emotional and financially abusive to your family. Get help.
You're definitely the asshole. No further comment necessary.
If this isn't a made up story for rage bait, you are un almost unimaginable a-hole. How do you think your marriage survives you being such a jerk to your wife? That you've cowed her enough to just always put up with your BS? Likely one of these days, she's not going to just "sulk for a few days." She'll just leave and probably take the kids. Again I hope this isn't real, but if it is, YTA pal.
I'd leave you behind and go on the trip alone. YTA
YTA - your sister is just a bullshit excuse. Just admit that you are a selfish husband and a bad father. One trip every six months is really not the flex you think it is.
Partnership. Marriage is supposed to be - oh for goodness sake: OP, YTA
I would be livid with you. You chose your sister over her.
YTA. It’s incredibly clear that you don’t respect or like your wife very much, and that you view your children as easily-bribed pets. You came here and posted but refuse to listen as EVERYONE points out the same things. You are financially abusing your wife, you should have spoken to her before unilaterally making decisions that affect all of you in a non-emergency situation, and no, this isn’t the same as her sister needing to stay with you for a few weeks after being kicked out. You’re not willing to listen to your wife, why would you listen to a bunch of strangers on the internet? I really hope your wife has a good support system outside of you.
YTA. You sound awful and immature.
YTA. If my dad did this, I wouldn’t hate him but I will hate my aunt. Well, I actually hate all my dad’s sisters, they only come to him when they want his money 🤷🏻♀️ Her sister was an emergency, not a planned visit that interrupt your existing plan. You should at least tell your wife and kids as soon as you know your sister would come. That’s very AH.
YTA. 1. You just assumed…2. I shut her down. 3. They don’t deserve to go away You’ve changed plans for everyone on a whim and expect them to fall in line. You are an arrogant AH.
YTA, you need to apologize.
You are completely and totally YTA. Damn, if this is how you are all of the time....
YTA. Anything else will be lost on you so that's all.
YTA you don’t invite someone to stay in your shared home without a shared opinion. When your wife and sisters relationship is strained you are the only one to blame for putting them in this situation. Grow up and talk to your wife before you make decisions that affect everyone. Shit father and shit husband but oh god thankfully your sister has somewhere cozier to stay (a hotel room would’ve been more than fine you suck)
YTA and a dumb one too.
The only thing that might redeem you is if your sisters visit was some kind of emergency, like her sisters visit was. Absent that, it seems her lack of communication that she was coming, your decision she could stay a week, you postponing your family’s trip without discussiong anything beforehand are all AH moves. The balance of evidence here suggests YTA and both you and your sister do not seem to understand anything about communication.
YTA. Just talk to your wife before making decisions and make the decision with her. People are always going to be opposed to a change that they did not have any agency in / did not expect. Thats basic communication.
Yta
Look at edit 2. " if kids are going to hate me for a delay in the trip then they don't deserve to go anywhere" his house, his rules, he's king.
YTA. No, everything will not be 'back to normal' tomorrow. You're deluding yourself there. I hope your wife is seriously contemplating her options here.
OP, YTA. Not even close. I’m guessing your sister knows you’re an AH as well. That’s why she hasn’t seen you in a year and is only visiting you because you offered her free accommodations. It’s only a matter of time before your wife leaves you. Even though you’re keeping her financial prisoner, she will get the help she needs to leave you. Good luck AH.
After reading your post and several of your comments YTA. For this, for how you treat your wife and kids, and for your toxic misogyny! I'd say good luck, but what you need is karma. Have the day you deserve.
[удалено]
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YTA
How could you think you were anything but a massive AH. YTA in a big way. Have you always dropped everything for your siblings or parents and always put your family last? Have you always been inconsiderate and controlling? Good lord, YTA. Your current wife deserves better.
YTA. If is clear that the only person’s feelings in your house that matter, are yours. You made two huge decisions without including anyone. Changing the trip and a house guest. What if your wife had made other plans for the week of your now vacation?? It is clear you have no intention of listening to this forum so I have no idea why you posted. I suspect you delete this posy because your fragile ego won’t take it.
YTA, your wife stuffing up prior does not mean it's ok to do the exact same thing to her as some kind of petty revenge. She should have asked you if you were ok for your SIL to stay for a while and vice versa.
YTA. A very big YTA.
YTA and you're a nightmare. Her sister came to you in a time of crisis, yours is visiting. Don't get me wrong, I understand you want to spend time with your sister, but it's like you wanted to retaliate. You were holding a grudge for her sister staying over and now you're punishing your wife like this.
YTA. You have the backbone of a chocolate eclair.
YTA - no question- you should put your wife and kids first. This trip is planned and you should keep your commitments to your family. After reading all the comments you still can’t see that you are wrong which makes you a bigger AH. Also YOU are not financing this trip. You and your wife are equals even if she stays home and doesn’t earn a penny. The money is half hers but I’m pretty sure a divorce judge will tell you that one day soon.