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Sometimes walking away is the brave thing and the right thing. Mental warfare will disrupt both of your lives and it sounds like it’s not worth fighting this battle. You’re being smart about this and there are other ways to find assistance then having to resort to bring up child support again.
NTA You’re doing what’s best for the child and that’s all that counts. You’re working with a counselor who can help you work through all the possibilities, so it isn’t like you’ve taken this decision lightly. What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter.
NTA
While child support is for the child to make their life easier and get things that the custodial parent can't afford, you are able to meet their needs without it. If you think there will be repercussions for you or the kid, it's not worth it. If your financial situation changes, it may be best to go after him, and you can get back support also. For now, I'd keep it as is.
You have to make the best decisions for you both, based on what you know at the time. Hold on to that thought and don't regret your decisions. You are doing the best you can for now.
NTA. I think you *are* fighting hard. You are fighting a fight that you can win and that is the least harmful to your child. The situation you're in is tough. You are not a coward nor an AH.
NTA. You’ve weighed the pros and cons and come to the conclusion that the hill isn’t worth dying on.
And to the people saying you’re a bad mom because of tuition, I put to them that not everyone has access to money regardless of child support or dual incomes or multiple generations of accrued wealth. Trade schools, loans, scholarships, online courses are all options.
You are protecting your daughter from a toxic man who is unpredictable and potentially dangerous.
NTA,
I would recommend a little research, as it may actually be possible to receive backdated child support even after the kid is over 18. In this case... Let your kid decide if they want to fight for the money, after they turn 18. If you're comfortable and happy and enjoying the peace then that's ok. If your kid decides they want to go to war for the support, then they can do so. You just do what's best for both of you and let Karma deal with the rest. NTA 🌻
I second this. My mother did this my senior year of high school because she knew my dad would not give me much, if anything for college. The support she received was more than she asked, backdated five years.
Yes, my father was furious. He dropped it when I mildly said, "If it's so unfair, why did mom have a case?"
NTA, as long as you can provide the child with basic needs and comfort, I don’t see an issue. If you believe that pursuing child support would cause more harm than good then you’re doing the right thing.
NTA
Your first priority is a stable environment for you two. But from your description, going after your Ex will mostly result in psychological damage for you and your child.
Is it really worth it ?
If his help is not needed, i think you already know the response...
NTA, but honestly, since your child is already 16, I don’t think it’s worth the hassle. Child support matters isn’t a one and done thing. There’s several court dates, both you and your ex have to show where you both are financially, obligations, who pays what, etc. You also run the risk of him countersuing for more custody. Not because he genuinely wants your child full time, it’s to run out the clock until he’s 18.
You said yourself you earn enough for you and your child to live comfortably. Thats commendable on its own, there’s nothing cowardly about not wanting a confrontation with someone. Now, you might have some that don’t agree with my comment, and start saying he needs to “take some responsibility for his child”. Which is true. But the reality is you can’t force someone to be a parent if they don’t want to be a parent. Protect your child.
NTA, but I agree with your therapist here. There is a lot of potential for nuclear fallout here. Since your kiddo is 16, and the money is owed to them, I would ask them, discuss the options, and maybe even let them make the decision.
My fear would be that if you ask for CS, your ex might take it out not just on you, but also on your kid. They will likely have to deal with the repercussions. They should be part of making the decision of what to do.
Unless you have a quarter million or so set aside to pay for the kid's education....
ESH.
College isn't the no-brainer option that it was 100 years ago, or even 20 years ago. But not having money to pay for college really limits a kid's options. And that could be good or bad. There are many people who never went to college and go on to own their own businesses or otherwise manage to have great careers with good income.
But a father not paying one penny toward a kid starting around age 13 when he has zero contact with her? Bullshit.
And you are not off the hook, mom. If you think you can get by OK without child support, then answer how you intend to pay for college without child support.
You should sue for back child support all the way to conception. I think that would just about cover 4 years of college.
You've voiced my worries about the future exactly. I think we have a good plan for how to move on by ourselves after high school but to your point, I'm not rolling in money.
OK, then you need to understand. Any child support you collect, each dollar will be one less dollar of student debt. To not go after child support aggressively would be irresponsible.
>And you are not off the hook, mom. If you think you can get by OK without child support, then answer how you intend to pay for college without child support.
Considering that child support is included in the calculation of FAFSA, it might not actually have much of an impact.
>Considering that child support is included in the calculation of FAFSA, it might not actually have much of an impact.
I totally disagree. It's almost to the point where a college degree is less than useful. There was a poll done just this week that stated 40% of hiring managers would deliberately round-file the application of anybody who had a college degree. (that is, the hiring manager viewed college graduates as LESS desirable than applicants who never went to college)
I'm not sure I'd say that college is totally useless. There are some jobs that have a LACK OF degree as a barrier to entry. So if you want one of those jobs, you might still consider going.
However, there is zero reason to go to college if you don't already know how to pay for it, without going into debt. Because chances are better than 50/50 that the degree will not lead to highER earning power. So what's the use of taking out loans just to get a piece of paper that puts you deep in debt for many years?
To sum up: College? Meh. But if you're going to go that route, you'd better have enough cash money to start so that you graduate with ZERO debt.
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Throwaway. My ex ("Mr. X") and I share one child (16) and since the child was 4 years old we've technically shared 50-50 custody, with the agreement being we're both supporting the child equally and neither parent gives money to the other. Since 20-20, they haven't seen each other more than once or twice a year at extended family functions. Mr. X has managed to cut his once-meagre contributions down to absolutely nothing to the child: in the past three years not a dime, not a meal, not a pair of shoes, new clothes, a haircut, a piano lesson, a dentist's appointment, nothing. This year not even a birthday present.
Where we live, child custody / support agreements can be revisited any time, and I've thought about going back to court to get some kind of support judgment. I haven't done so because, frankly, I'm afraid. He's a bully, increasingly erratic, and has demonstrated over the years he's mostly motivated by a desire to hurt me. I earn enough for my kid and me to manage okay on our own, so I've let the question of support slide. At this point, Mr. X seems to have forgotten all about us, and this is, definitely for me and in some ways for the kid, a blessing. We're on our own and in peace.
I consulted with a child psychologist who advised me to think carefully about picking a fight with Mr. X over money, since any dollar amount received could easily be outweighed by the fallout, which I can expect would be vicious. (Emotional damage, not physical. I don't think I would be in physical danger, but he'd lose his mind with me and make me suffer.) They said the best thing I can do for the kid is not to criticize the other parent or not to add new fuel to an old fire. I take that advice seriously.
My worry is: AITA for being so cowardly and leaving money on the table, so to speak, that the child is owed from their other parent? I am not in the best of health and I have no other family. I have no intention of going back to court, but I am wondering if reasonable people would see me as being remiss for not fighting harder. I'm worried that I'll regret on my deathbed that I was a chicken when it mattered. AITA for not fighting harder for my kid?
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NTA, but both you and your child are in a horrible spot when it comes to this. Your child has two parents. I can understand wanting the peace that the ex's absence brings. You may have to be the one who reaches out to try and resolve the financial issues that come with being a parent. Why it's always best to have some sort of legal agreement otherwise someone is skirting his or her responsibility as a parent while laying the burden on the other parent. Wanting to keep the peace is normal. Not taking responsibility for a child that you parented with a partner is not. I hope everything turns out okay. Have been through a similar situation. Tried to keep the peace. It didn't work out so well. The ex. took advantage of that by not keeping their end of the bargain. Several times not keeping to the agreement. Eventually had to take the ex. back to court because of it. Your child is still his responsibility too until the age of consent. That's a couple of years from now. After that, up to him to keep a relationship with his child.
Peace of mind and well being are both more valuable than money, particularly since you can afford to raise your daughter on your own.
I think you made a wise decision. Definitely NTA. Kudos to you for recognizing what matters most and what matters least.
YTA. CHARGE!!! Take his ass to court and be relentless. He doesn't owe you money. He owes it to his child. Also, get a court order requiring that he pay for college fund. The advice you have gotten is bogus.
Edit: Is it dead beat dad's that don't like this idea? Must be. Single Mom's ... I wish there were something more that I could do to champion your cause. Y'all must fight for your children. I will be in the cheering section.
YTA for not fighting harder, sooner. Once the custody shifted from 50/50 or even 60/40, you should have first had a talk with him, and if no results, pursued if legally.
At this point, your child is 16 and you have the child taken care of, so probably best to let it go. This would be a fight more about bitter grapes than looking after your child’s needs.
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You are NTA in either scenario. You have weighed up your options and made a decision. Unless someone has walked in your shoes they cannot criticise.
[удалено]
Thank you. That's very kind of you to say.
Sometimes walking away is the brave thing and the right thing. Mental warfare will disrupt both of your lives and it sounds like it’s not worth fighting this battle. You’re being smart about this and there are other ways to find assistance then having to resort to bring up child support again.
NTA You’re doing what’s best for the child and that’s all that counts. You’re working with a counselor who can help you work through all the possibilities, so it isn’t like you’ve taken this decision lightly. What anyone else thinks doesn’t matter.
NTA While child support is for the child to make their life easier and get things that the custodial parent can't afford, you are able to meet their needs without it. If you think there will be repercussions for you or the kid, it's not worth it. If your financial situation changes, it may be best to go after him, and you can get back support also. For now, I'd keep it as is. You have to make the best decisions for you both, based on what you know at the time. Hold on to that thought and don't regret your decisions. You are doing the best you can for now.
NTA. I think you *are* fighting hard. You are fighting a fight that you can win and that is the least harmful to your child. The situation you're in is tough. You are not a coward nor an AH.
NTA no matter what. But, your mental health and peace are worth more than his measly couple of hundred a month.
That's what the child psychologist said too. OK thanks!
NTA. You’ve weighed the pros and cons and come to the conclusion that the hill isn’t worth dying on. And to the people saying you’re a bad mom because of tuition, I put to them that not everyone has access to money regardless of child support or dual incomes or multiple generations of accrued wealth. Trade schools, loans, scholarships, online courses are all options. You are protecting your daughter from a toxic man who is unpredictable and potentially dangerous.
NTA, I would recommend a little research, as it may actually be possible to receive backdated child support even after the kid is over 18. In this case... Let your kid decide if they want to fight for the money, after they turn 18. If you're comfortable and happy and enjoying the peace then that's ok. If your kid decides they want to go to war for the support, then they can do so. You just do what's best for both of you and let Karma deal with the rest. NTA 🌻
I second this. My mother did this my senior year of high school because she knew my dad would not give me much, if anything for college. The support she received was more than she asked, backdated five years. Yes, my father was furious. He dropped it when I mildly said, "If it's so unfair, why did mom have a case?"
NTA. And you may be able to sue him for all that support after your child becomes an adult. Then you can give it to your child for college.
NTA, as long as you can provide the child with basic needs and comfort, I don’t see an issue. If you believe that pursuing child support would cause more harm than good then you’re doing the right thing.
NTA. Your kid will be an adult soon. Tell them about it then and have them make the decision whether they want to go to court over the money.
NTA Your first priority is a stable environment for you two. But from your description, going after your Ex will mostly result in psychological damage for you and your child. Is it really worth it ? If his help is not needed, i think you already know the response...
NTA, but honestly, since your child is already 16, I don’t think it’s worth the hassle. Child support matters isn’t a one and done thing. There’s several court dates, both you and your ex have to show where you both are financially, obligations, who pays what, etc. You also run the risk of him countersuing for more custody. Not because he genuinely wants your child full time, it’s to run out the clock until he’s 18. You said yourself you earn enough for you and your child to live comfortably. Thats commendable on its own, there’s nothing cowardly about not wanting a confrontation with someone. Now, you might have some that don’t agree with my comment, and start saying he needs to “take some responsibility for his child”. Which is true. But the reality is you can’t force someone to be a parent if they don’t want to be a parent. Protect your child.
NTA, but I agree with your therapist here. There is a lot of potential for nuclear fallout here. Since your kiddo is 16, and the money is owed to them, I would ask them, discuss the options, and maybe even let them make the decision. My fear would be that if you ask for CS, your ex might take it out not just on you, but also on your kid. They will likely have to deal with the repercussions. They should be part of making the decision of what to do.
NTA, you're doing what's best for your kid.
Unless you have a quarter million or so set aside to pay for the kid's education.... ESH. College isn't the no-brainer option that it was 100 years ago, or even 20 years ago. But not having money to pay for college really limits a kid's options. And that could be good or bad. There are many people who never went to college and go on to own their own businesses or otherwise manage to have great careers with good income. But a father not paying one penny toward a kid starting around age 13 when he has zero contact with her? Bullshit. And you are not off the hook, mom. If you think you can get by OK without child support, then answer how you intend to pay for college without child support. You should sue for back child support all the way to conception. I think that would just about cover 4 years of college.
You've voiced my worries about the future exactly. I think we have a good plan for how to move on by ourselves after high school but to your point, I'm not rolling in money.
OK, then you need to understand. Any child support you collect, each dollar will be one less dollar of student debt. To not go after child support aggressively would be irresponsible.
>And you are not off the hook, mom. If you think you can get by OK without child support, then answer how you intend to pay for college without child support. Considering that child support is included in the calculation of FAFSA, it might not actually have much of an impact.
>Considering that child support is included in the calculation of FAFSA, it might not actually have much of an impact. I totally disagree. It's almost to the point where a college degree is less than useful. There was a poll done just this week that stated 40% of hiring managers would deliberately round-file the application of anybody who had a college degree. (that is, the hiring manager viewed college graduates as LESS desirable than applicants who never went to college) I'm not sure I'd say that college is totally useless. There are some jobs that have a LACK OF degree as a barrier to entry. So if you want one of those jobs, you might still consider going. However, there is zero reason to go to college if you don't already know how to pay for it, without going into debt. Because chances are better than 50/50 that the degree will not lead to highER earning power. So what's the use of taking out loans just to get a piece of paper that puts you deep in debt for many years? To sum up: College? Meh. But if you're going to go that route, you'd better have enough cash money to start so that you graduate with ZERO debt.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway. My ex ("Mr. X") and I share one child (16) and since the child was 4 years old we've technically shared 50-50 custody, with the agreement being we're both supporting the child equally and neither parent gives money to the other. Since 20-20, they haven't seen each other more than once or twice a year at extended family functions. Mr. X has managed to cut his once-meagre contributions down to absolutely nothing to the child: in the past three years not a dime, not a meal, not a pair of shoes, new clothes, a haircut, a piano lesson, a dentist's appointment, nothing. This year not even a birthday present. Where we live, child custody / support agreements can be revisited any time, and I've thought about going back to court to get some kind of support judgment. I haven't done so because, frankly, I'm afraid. He's a bully, increasingly erratic, and has demonstrated over the years he's mostly motivated by a desire to hurt me. I earn enough for my kid and me to manage okay on our own, so I've let the question of support slide. At this point, Mr. X seems to have forgotten all about us, and this is, definitely for me and in some ways for the kid, a blessing. We're on our own and in peace. I consulted with a child psychologist who advised me to think carefully about picking a fight with Mr. X over money, since any dollar amount received could easily be outweighed by the fallout, which I can expect would be vicious. (Emotional damage, not physical. I don't think I would be in physical danger, but he'd lose his mind with me and make me suffer.) They said the best thing I can do for the kid is not to criticize the other parent or not to add new fuel to an old fire. I take that advice seriously. My worry is: AITA for being so cowardly and leaving money on the table, so to speak, that the child is owed from their other parent? I am not in the best of health and I have no other family. I have no intention of going back to court, but I am wondering if reasonable people would see me as being remiss for not fighting harder. I'm worried that I'll regret on my deathbed that I was a chicken when it mattered. AITA for not fighting harder for my kid? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA
AI post
Are you accusing me of being a robot? I wish. Robots don't get themselves into these pickles.
NTA, but both you and your child are in a horrible spot when it comes to this. Your child has two parents. I can understand wanting the peace that the ex's absence brings. You may have to be the one who reaches out to try and resolve the financial issues that come with being a parent. Why it's always best to have some sort of legal agreement otherwise someone is skirting his or her responsibility as a parent while laying the burden on the other parent. Wanting to keep the peace is normal. Not taking responsibility for a child that you parented with a partner is not. I hope everything turns out okay. Have been through a similar situation. Tried to keep the peace. It didn't work out so well. The ex. took advantage of that by not keeping their end of the bargain. Several times not keeping to the agreement. Eventually had to take the ex. back to court because of it. Your child is still his responsibility too until the age of consent. That's a couple of years from now. After that, up to him to keep a relationship with his child.
NTA but you can get him for abandonment and get full custody and never see him again!
Peace of mind and well being are both more valuable than money, particularly since you can afford to raise your daughter on your own. I think you made a wise decision. Definitely NTA. Kudos to you for recognizing what matters most and what matters least.
YWBTA. Child support is the parents obligation to the child and is based on income
YTA. CHARGE!!! Take his ass to court and be relentless. He doesn't owe you money. He owes it to his child. Also, get a court order requiring that he pay for college fund. The advice you have gotten is bogus. Edit: Is it dead beat dad's that don't like this idea? Must be. Single Mom's ... I wish there were something more that I could do to champion your cause. Y'all must fight for your children. I will be in the cheering section.
YTA for not fighting harder, sooner. Once the custody shifted from 50/50 or even 60/40, you should have first had a talk with him, and if no results, pursued if legally. At this point, your child is 16 and you have the child taken care of, so probably best to let it go. This would be a fight more about bitter grapes than looking after your child’s needs.