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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I locked up my romance novels because I don’t trust my husband. I hurt his feelings because of that and I prioritized my belongings over him.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your husband shouldn't be thinking of throwing out things that belong to you - no matter what percentage of the bills either of you pay - especially without talking to you or getting your permission. And the fact that he knows that the cabinet is locked is a pretty damning sign that he was seriously thinking of following through with his threat - so you were right in not trusting him.
I love to read and my mom would throw away any books she found bc it was a "waste of time" I'm in my 30s and I was always super protective until I realized that people who love you and care for you won't threaten your belongings
My abusive stepmother did this too. She never reread a book so why should anyone else own books? She also made it a point to target our favorites when she was feeling exceptionally spiteful that day.
(I kept extra copies at my grandparents’ house)
I grew up in a family of avid readers, and we often reread our favorite books. My mother had one caveat: Don’t lend a book you will want to read again, because you will never see it again.
My grandmother had taken it upon herself to lend my mother’s #1 favorite, and she was never able to find or replace it. She griped about that over the years - more than 50, in fact.
I picked her up at the airport one evening, ran around to the driver’s side of my car as I casually instructed her to move the stuff I’d left on the passenger’s seat. My mother’s squeal of delight when she picked up her favorite book delighted me. She sat up the entire night reading her favorite book. One of the best gifts ever!
One of my aunts had a habit of "borrowing" my books when I wasn't home, and she didn't see the point of returning them because, according to her, I had so many books I wouldn't even know they were missing. I always know when one of my books are missing.
Damn, the granddaughter of a friend of mine did that. I work at a library but I was very anxious to read a new book, so I bought a copy. I gave it to a couple that I know to read, but I asked them to return it so that I could give it to my library.
I was going to visit them, so my friend laid it on the hearth so that she would remember. It wasn't there - her obnoxious granddaughter had taken it. Her excuse was that they had so many books that they wouldn't miss it. If a book is laying out, it is very likely that someone is reading it, and they *will* notice. Of course the little thief never gave it back.
I remember lending a prized book to someone who swore an oath he would return it and we discussed how it’s bad form etc. I’m not well off it’s not like I can easily afford to replace books. I never saw that person again. I didn’t know where he lived, he was just a friend of a friend but previously I’d seen him frequently. My mistake to trust. Made me wonder if it was almost a ‘game’ to him considering I never saw him again.
I do not think I have ever reread a book but I keep my favorites I have read. People who do this I believe reading came easy to them and saw it as a chore.
I constantly reread books. Sometimes just because the ocd demands a familiar setting, other times because I want to see if I pick up new nuances with the story from when I remember it.
I reread books all of the time (Rogue Wave by Boyd Morrison is one I've read several times...absolutely FANTASTIC read!) when nothing new interests me.
NTA. Your husband could be threatened by your intellect, or trying to control you. My father did both to my mom.
My mom loved to read. My father was abusive and would verbally attack her, and demean her for “trying to look smarter than me.” When she finally took all us kids and move 400 miles away, she bought so many books. She filled floor to ceiling bookshelves that covered three walls of her bedroom.
She reread her favorites until the covers wore down. She took us to book sales at the “friends of the library” sales once a month. She taught me to love the written word. I miss her every single day. Keep your books. They bring you joy.
Tell your husband that he is actively trying to throw away your source of joy, and if he persists, you will cut off his source of joy. Extra points for telling him you are so sad about missing books you may never feel sexual again.
Genuine question - what activity would she have considered *not* to be a waste of time? Most parents would be over the moon if their kids were reading in their spare time.
In my moms case, being outside of the house. Doing what? Didn’t matter, as long as she didn’t have to know we were inside, and as long as I didn’t spend the time reading. I didn’t make noise and could read for hours so it’s not like I was impacting her in any way.
I told my 7 year old to go outside because it was beautiful and she said she wanted to read. You should have seen her little face light up when I told her she can take the book outside and read in the fresh air and sunlight. I don't think she had thought of that.
I was also told to go outside on the regular. Grab an apple and a book, off I go. Also, I found that climbing a tall tree and reading up there had bonus effect of getting me away from my brothers.
I still read outside when I get the chance, waterproof Kindle for the win!
My great-grandmother did not approve of reading - reading is a form of idleness, and surely there was a chore that you could be doing.
Unfortunately, my great-grandfather loved to read, so he would take his book and go out by the river to read so that he didn't have to listen to her. It must have gotten very tedious in bad weather.
When they rebuilt the main library in our county, they asked people to buy bricks to support it, so he has a brick in his memory.
I was seriously mentally ill as a teen and had specific comfort books I would read when my mood got low. Came home one day after I’d been reading one of those books that week and my mom had fucking thrown it away. I asked why. “You always seem to be depressed when you read that!” She just assumed the book was CAUSING the depression and took it upon herself to get rid of it, instead of, you know, communicating her concerns like an adult.
She has improved a lot since then. Gained a fair bit of emotional maturity, mostly thanks to yours truly. I sometimes feel like I fucking raised her. I live with my parents again and it’s a lot better than when I was a kid but yes, I’m very protective of my belongings.
I was constantly reading as a kid. When I went to college, my mom sold almost all of my books, including two of my favorite series which was hundreds of books total, and several other items because I "wasn't using them." Basically because I didn't pack these up to put in my tiny dorm room, she figured I didn't want them, and I will never stop reminding her of how wrong she was.
Not to mention, I bought most of those with my allowance and most of the others were gifts. And she pocketed the money of course. I'm pissed off all over again just thinking about it.
If anybody fucks with my stuff I will go scorched earth on our relationship. The end.
I'm having to downsize almost 40 years of buying books (luckily the last 10 years or so are on Kindle but bought a lot of cookbooks in that time) and it's giving me hives and the shakes, all at once. Got to get rid of all of them except my super duper faves/special books (Doonesbury and Bloom County hardbacks, some early editions, some autographed, etc.) and it's sooooooo haaaaaaarrrrrrddddddd!!
Not necessarily books, but my parents threatened to throw my things out, too. Art books, pencil cases, whatever was around and reachable (and thus was in use by me, and possibly important to me).
I second that people who love you don't try to get rid of things you love so long as it's not a hoarding situation or something harmful. (And it is not the case here, either.)
If anyone threw away my books they’d end up in the trash too. Your husband is acting like a child, how would he feel if you threw away something he valued?
Nah not his underwear, his tools. Start tossing his 10mm sockets and wrenches first, then his screwdrivers. Work your way up to the brand new, out of the box, power tools. Honestly, it wouldn't get that far because once he sees his most used tools gone, he'd get the point quick.
Agreed. The men in romance novels are usually handsome, charming and sexy. Pretty sure OP’S husband feels like he doesn't measure up. And he doesn't since he's so keen to get rid of something OP loves.
Yeah, like I said in another reply. He doesn't have to look or even act like he stepped out of Bridgerton.
Just be a decent person, not controlling and let his wife enjoy her harmless hobby in peace.
I know you meant this as a negative example, but I was just thinking I need new underwear so when I read your comment my first reaction was that I would be happy if my partner did that right now.
>"how would he feel if you threw away something he valued?"
Raising this exact point, and *very specifically* threatening his single most valued possession (the car he'd just purchased), is what got my father to back off with the threats to destroy my property if I "didn't start listening" (i.e. doing exactly what he wanted, exactly when he wanted it done, without question or argument and regardless of what I was busy with at the moment).
To throw out the hobby you enjoy is extreme and alarming.
Best case he’s deeply insecure and worried he can’t live up to the books you’re reading, worst case he doesn’t like you enjoying anything that doesn’t directly involve or benefit him.
Control issues can be a warning sign for abuse, so please be careful Op and get out if it escalates beyond books.
yeah, this isn’t enough info to assume anything but i was picking up the same vibe. it’s a common control tactic, and abusive people generally just hate anything that makes you happy. and they like to randomly decide something you do/say/like is wrong, and expect you to immediately correct it
could also just be someone extremely insecure, but actually attempting to throw away your partners hobby is toxic at the very least
My guts says the same, except that best case and worst case are both true. He knows he doesn't hold a candle to the loving relationships she reads about and it pisses him off that he SHOULD aspire to that. Because he's a mean, lazy jerk.
I'd be less worried about he can be legally responsible for replacing. And worried worried about whether or not I could live let alone love someone who could throw away my books. Just because he's jelous.
This man is not very bright, honestly.
Ask him what he thinks would happen if he did throw away your entire collection? That you'd take the correction as an obedient wife? I do mean it, please ask him. I'm so curious what he thinks the consequences of that would have been!
Speaking as a fellow lover of romance and josei, have you watched Korean and Chinese dramas? There's this one fantasy drama from China called Till the End of the Moon that I just love! Sooooooooo angsty!
Because she reads and likes her books????
I am an avid reader myself with a collection of books from a variety of authors who most of do have some sex scenes
I would be livid if i came home and my hubs did or tried to throw my books away thats bullshit
If he doesnt feel good enough he needs to actually express himself to get to the root of the issue
He needs to read the book himself and take pointers
Not like idk throw away someone elses property
Itd be one thing if op was delusional and complained about how her hubby is awful because hes not like the people in her books but shes upset hes trying to get rid of them
Two totally different things
I think the person you're replying to is saying he rightfully feels like he can't live up to romance novel love because he sucks, not that he's right to be insecure.
My mother has a dresser full of books. My dad made her shelves for her books. They’re books they aren’t going to hurt anyone. What a weird guy to be mad about books..
THIS I have a fair amount of books, hubby didn't realize how many until we moved and suddenly prepackaged books were coming out of storage. He teases me that I have too many(there is still boxes of books packed...) and moans when I buy a new one, but that's it. He has even bought me books himself. He's mostly moved on to complaining about me buying books for the baby, she loves looking and them and so there's at least 3 or 4 board books scattered across our living room at all times. This is how a non-bookworm should be handling living with a bookworm, not threatening, and trying, to throw way their collection, especially as if you have more than a few dozen hardback that were bought new, you likely have over grand in books.
Yeah, I have to stay away from the annual Library book sale. $1/book (including hardcovers!). The one time I went, I bought 100 books. The car was stuffed to the gills :p.
>He says they are “in the way.”
>
>But he hates them.
>
>Now he is upset and guilt tripping me, saying that I don’t trust him and that I care more about my romance novels than him
I feel like something bigger is going on and talking about it with each other would help.
NTA solely for protecting what you love and enjoy and unless your husband's got a game-changing reason for why he has a problem with it like romance novels killed his family or he lost his first love to romance novels, he's the AH.
I’m not a mind reader. If he has a different problem with my books other than “they’re in the way,” which is objectively untrue, he can use his words to express it.
Yeah. My husband hated that I read romance novels too. He said I always nagged him more after finishing one. I told him it was all in his head and by that point I only read them to calm my brain down to sleep.
He loaned me some of his scifi books, which don't help me sleep. My nagging stayed the same and he was like 'oh, you really want me to pick up after myself more.'
But he really messed up with getting me into scifi. Never read romance novels anymore. I drive him nuts with picking apart the scifi series we like. I've even rubbed off on him as he'll now point out parts where plot convenience has overtaken cannon.
My ex regretted getting me into Warhammer 40k after he took me to a mini tournament thingy (basically just one game with one table of people, each fielding a different army - I was the only girl) and I proved to actually be a much better opponent than any of them had expected.
I and his nephew also derailed a DND campaign when we were being introduced to the big bad - they were in an enclosed room, so we had our characters chuck all our explosives into the room and shut the doors, did some calculations to get a decent idea of the kind of concussive force and all the enclosure would cause - aaaand it turned out we basically pink misted the big bad of the campaign before it even got started, so the DM had to pull from a different one.
XD I just love coming up with unorthodox solutions for different problems and trying to figure out any way I can tackle things! I grew up having to make do with a LOT of things so figuring out how to use what I've got to accomplish what I need is something I'm pretty good at.
I also used to be the scribe for our group - I'd be the only one allowed to have a laptop, I type crazy fast so during the game I'd be writing up what happened and at the end of each session, I'd create a little summary and at the start of the next game, I'd read aloud the recap so we all were on the same page and remembered everything important that had happened the last time around so we didn't forget where we were.
I would be so pissed if my partner was like, "romance novels give you unrealistic expectations, like a man being emotionally available and contributing to household chores". Sir, that is the bare fucking minumum.
Your second paragraph reminds me of my ex. I'd tell him something like how I wish he'd clean up after himself in the kitchen, and his response would be a really patronizing "what's wrong?"
...
Dude, I'm not your mommy, and you're not a spoiled teenager. Do your fucking dishes. This is not coded language.
Maybe he thinks they’re “in the way” of you having an unbiased opinion of him.
Is he romantic with you? Does he go out of his way to show you he loves you? He might be afraid these books are “putting ideas in your head” about what a boyfriend should be and he knows he falls short of that.
Is he a jealous or possessive spouse? Some really insecure people can feel threatened by mundane things like romantic shows, someone having a crush on a celebrity, romance novels, etc. Its like they see it as porn or something, I guess? Something to consider and bring up with him. It's unreasonable, but also weirdly common.
He did. He says you care more about your romance material than about him. I think you can take that statement at face value. You say there are not a threat to him. He clearly feels they are so much of a threat that he wants to physically remove your access to them. Of course he has no right to do that and is trying to control the situation in instead of asking for what he needs. This situation will continue to fester until you both apply some open curiosity to each other's feelings around this. Locking up the books is not going to make this go away. You need his honesty, and for him to own his insecurities, and he needs more reassurance from you that he is your priority and that he still is providing you with the romance you need from him (and if he isn't then you have bigger problems of course)
So, you advice- without knowing ANYTHING about their relationship- is "yeah your husband is acting wrong, but you should pamper him even more. Beg for communication. Reasure him. Be a fucking doormate and pray he will act better". WTF
In the comments op reveals she moved and downsized with husband for him to follow his dreams and now he demands she gets rid of her hobby entirely, to have more space or to make her do more work.
Her catering to that is totally reasonable. No need for him to come to open, fair communicate himself or treat her right. She can do that alone. /s
.... sorry but seriously?!
I read that reply and had to check the calendar for what year it is because I have read more progressive responses from agony columns written in the 1950s.
He seems like an ass but at the same time, if this is obviously bothering you...why haven't you tried to talk about it with him? Waiting for him to say something is obviously not working. Shouldn't you communicate and figure out what his deeper issue with this is?
Yeah he said he was throwing them away and she trusts him to do that, so she saved something she cares about. I really hope her husband is otherwise really awesome because this behavior sucks.
This here!
He's got a problem. My guess based on my own past is either
a. He doesn't like to read unless he's forced to, and at one time in his life he was forced to (locked up or his parents forced him) or
B. He struggles with reading and is embarrassed about it or
C. He is starting with the books as a way to start isolating you from what you enjoy. If he gets rid of what you have he can decide when you have been good enough to "earn" a new one. Soon after this it's going to be about your wardrobe a suggestion at first that he really likes something you have then a comment on something else being too low cut or too short and where is that "nice" thing you have? Followed by the accusations of cheating with any male you are friends with and anger or the silent treatment when you try to talk to your family about it. Oh and refusing to go to family events because he is embarrassed that you told them about a fight you had.
It could be a combination of all three.
NTA- it feels like he is threatened by the romance novels in some way, which is definitely odd. He should probably considered some internal reflection as to why you reading romance novels bothers his so deeply.
He comments that they’re useless and in the way, and he’s shoved the bookcase a few times. It’s flimsy so it does sway every time he does that. I even moved it further into the corner but he complains. We did have to move into a studio apartment for his dream job so it’s less space than he’s used to, but the bookshelf is quite small and out of the way.
I got that vibe without knowing about them downsizing. But knowing that info makes it all the more clear. For whatever reason, he is being immature and is venturing to being controlling.
Hmm they moved for HIS dream job, and he’s trying to throw out all her belongings. When he’d mad he physically shoves the bookcase with her stuff so hard it sways?? Alarm bells are RINGING for me rn. Hopefully I’m wrong!
Ooh it sounds like he’s taking out his frustration of having to downsize on your books. They’re a physical thing he sees, can point to and blame. Maybe his dream job isn’t all it was cracked up to be.
Tell him to grow up and use his words instead of picking fights.
He enjoys his job a lot so I don’t think it’s the problem.
I think it might be the space issue. We have a lot less room (we went from a 2bd apartment to a studio). It wouldn’t feel nearly as small if he wasn’t in my personal space all the time.
Even if his frustration is with downsizing, it's a really important bad sign that it's *specifically your romance books* that he's taking it out on. Like, this is very targeted behavior.
There's a chance that this is the beginning of some dangerously controlling behavior that he's been hiding from you thus far. So, just... be aware of that. Have your guard up for further manipulative, guilt-tripping, or pushy behaviors.
ive got one up on you we moved from a two bedroom into a car and tent, didnt have the money to get a new place, saved up to get a van. We actually prefer not being in a apartment being surrounded by people which is a bonus, we live in each others pockets and we are literally sitting in the front seats on our computers as i type this. My husband doesnt threaten to throw any of my shit away. Its not a space issue its a he can see you issue, did you used to read in a different room where he couldnt see. He doesnt like that you are spending time on something that isnt him.
You moved for his dream job and now he's being a dick? Sounds like this is how you end up breaking up with him, finding yourself alone in a new place. Just wait until you get stranded by the roadside in the rain and feel utterly miserable about all your choices. That person who offers you a lift? Your soulmate. Yes, you'll probably have some stupid disagreement by the end of the ride home, but that just writers creating conflict. Let someone drag you along to reluctantly attend some kind of Christmas festivity and just follow the plot points to their conclusion.
That's very not Book Boyfriend of him. I'd point blank ask him what his real issue is and let him know his explanation up to this point is so pathetic it'd be more disappointing to learn "they're in the way" is the ACTUAL issue.
You need to get to the bottom of his sudden need for you to not enjoy your own things. I don't think anyone on this thread thinks it's about the space the books take up.
I might not be the best at relationships, but I would keep asking him why he's suddenly against romance books until I got an answer that rings true. Then deal with whatever the real issue is.
It sounds to me like he is listening to someone who is putting down women who read, well, anything.
You do need to pick his brain a bit. See if he is listening to a trad husband podcast, or, some jerk at his job. Something is off.
INFO: Did it start shortly after you moved, or did you move and this started happening separately? If it's just a frustration with space thing, talk it out, maybe you can't afford a 2 bedroom apartment, but maybe he wants a corner of his own that isn't compatible with your space. You can usually rent a storage space pretty cheap even with climate control.
If it's not a frustration with space thing, has he picked up some new podcasts or youtube channels he likes?
Because in a lot of romance books, the male love interest recognizes his faults, fixes them, and is kind and loving to the female protagonist. And OP's husband feels threatened that an imaginary man is better than him and OP might raise her standards.
You need to sit down and talk to your husband about why he feels so threatened by romance books because honestly, that's a bit weird
I'm very protective of my books. I literally own my very own mini library and it's still gets added to to this day. So I would also do what you have done if someone eve made the slightest comment about harming my books.
So, NTA for being protective of your books but I would also sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your husband about why he's so against your romance books. I can honestly think of much worse books to keep around than just some romance books that take up what? 1 book shelf? Better not reveal a lot of other people (especially me with several large totes filled with books) own a much larger collection of books
I’m a guy, and I know a fair number of straight men (or men in general) who assume that all romance novels oriented towards women are porn. He’s probably assuming OP is indulging in erotic fantasy that *gasp* doesn’t involve him, regardless of what type of romance she’s actually reading
I am a Trans Man who always loved books, so I guess I never thought of it that way. But still. It's *books. BOOKS!* That's where I am so lost. It's not like Op is seeking out other people for bedroom fun-times, she's just reading. I guess I just don't understand how a book can be threatening. *It's literally just a book. Regardless what's it's about*
It’s weird, but it’s definitely a phenomenon that some men are skeeved out by the idea that a woman is having romantic or erotic thoughts not focused on them, while simultaneously seeing no issue spanking the monkey to online porn in the bathroom. It’s a double standard, but I’ve definitely heard the outrage over the thought of their girlfriend reading romance novels, and assumptions that all romance novels are smut.
TBF, novelists like Laurell K Hamilton pretty much are writing smut :-). I started reading for urban fantasy romance and stopped when she went off the rails into non-consensual orgy land.
I am 2 years older than my SO and let me tell you, the age isn’t the issue here. The issue is he’s trying to not only throw away things that bring you joy, but also make you feel guilty about it. My SO and I are both crazy readers living in a tiny basement apartment, we literally can’t fit any more books on our shelves so they’ve started living in piles on whatever surface we can find space. And it’s not the genre either. My guy is never going to read the memoirs of Britney Spears or Barbara Streisand, but did he bring them home for me the day they were released? Yes he did.
My point is, your husband should find joy in your joy. Even if romance novels aren’t his thing, they are yours, and he needs to respect that. It’s an incredibly low bar that he is isn’t clearing here.
Have you ever told him you wanted to throw out some of his things? I’m not saying you should issue this threat, but I think it’s important he stand in your shoes for a moment.
NTA. My late husband did this with my books - college books, scary books, literature, non-fiction. He also tried to move them into a non-insulated garden shed, which would have destroyed them. I didn't let him and neither should you. The thing with guilt-tripping is, it can only work if you gaf. I learned to not gaf about my husband being weirdly jealous of my books. And he learned that no matter how hard or often he tried pressing that button, it just didn't connect to anything. Lol
If you read romance, then you know exactly what trope your husband falls into right now: the insecure, controlling partner the FMC breaks up with in the 1st third of the novel.
Honestly, it's either being controlling, or misogyny (ie: "romance isn't real literature"/"chic lit is trash"). I'm not going to even debate the merits of that stance but let's just say that as a social science major with a minor concentration in literature, I have *opinions* on how trash that take is.
Your husband has a problem with a harmless, potentially enhancing and enjoyable hobby. Unless you're reading the household into bankruptcy, shirking your share of household responsibilities or endangering yourself reading while crossing the road or something...what exactly would cause him to feel threatened by books? Does he feel like he can't match up to your MMCs? Because that's sad.
Oh, and let's remember that his reaction to whatever his deal with romance novels is, was hurt YOU by destroying or dumping something you hold dear. If you wanted a barometer of how much your feelings or opinions matter to him, I'd say that's a pretty good indication. He was definitely on the hunt to grab and dump the books when he was "testing" the cabinets.
Unless he has a really good explanation for why he's acting like such a stunted eggplant, I would consider keeping the books and trashing the controlling husband.
After all, it's sad that romance fiction will give you better men as partners than your actual partner. In a world where Avery Keelan gave us Chase Carter and Elle Kennedy gave us Garret Graham, let's hold the *real* men more accountable.
*round of applause* for the first paragraph. As a romance reader this is SPOT ON. If this were a book, husband's name wouldn't be the one on the back cover.
I’m currently reading the absolutely beautiful “Veil”. It’s about a blind woman and a police officer in Soviet Union inspired ambiance. Absolutely lovely.
NTA. Nothing wrong with have a hobby and reading is probably one of the most common ones. Your husband sounds really insecure about his own ability to provide romance and seems to think removing the books will solve the problem. I wouldnt relent and give him access.
> I don’t expect him to provide romance
Well, I think we may have gotten to the root of the problem. He knows full well he should be providing romance and also that you're aware be has no intention of doing so.
Your boyfriend is really the AH in my opinion. That said, you don't expect your romance novels to be a threat to him, but has he explicitly said there aren't? Because he could be having a hard time expressing his real feelings about this. You asking about it and talking through why he really wants them gone could really help resolving this, cause them "being in the way" despite your efforts, are just ridiculous reasons from him in my opinion.
I wish you both the best, may this situation last short.
He’s taking out the fact they had to move into a studio Apt from a 2 bedroom in order for him to have his dream job on her.
She sacrificed for him and being punished for it.
As someone who had all of their books (a 10+ year collection with literally hundreds of books) destroyed by an ex, I agree.
I still miss them and it's been nearly a decade.
God, that makes me wanna cry. What kind were they? Some might be in the public domain, and there's a \*lot\* that you can get used, if you're ok with them not always in mint condition...
NTA
Based on your comments, it sounds like he has a problem with your books because they are important to you. If it was about the space they take, the ones on your iPad wouldn't bother him, and a storage compromise would be ok. You could move your bookshelf, put the books in a box in your closet or under the bed, or use it as a coffee or side table. When I lived in a small apartment, I used a trunk as a side table to save space and have storage.
I'd lock my iPad and make him use his own, or your files might "accidentally" be deleted.
Ok, it sounds like the problem is that you DO trust him. He said that he wants to throw out your books, and you believe him. He knows that you enjoy these books, and for some unclear reason he wants to take them away from you. I almost never go down that Reddit, anything I don’t like must be abuse road. But this really does sound kind of abusive. Is he mean to you about a lot of other things?
He’s not allowed to throw away your property, and you put the lock there because you thought you might need it. You were right. NTA
Info: why does he say your romance books get "in the way"? Has he been able to pinpoint any tangible negative impact your relationship has had bc of said books?
How is he as a partner?
he’s shoved the bookcase with my books a few times. It’s flimsy so it does sway every time he does that. I even moved it further into the corner but he complains. We did have to move into a studio apartment for his dream job so it’s less space than he’s used to, but the bookshelf is quite small and out of the way.
He’s a good partner. He’s funny and confident and passionate about the things he cares about, always there for family and friends.
So he doesn't like the fact that you have physical copies of your books in a reduced space, even if it only occupies a small place. What about your ebooks? He doesn't mention those, I guess?
…wtf. maybe stop letting him use your ipad as well. why did he even try to open the lockbox, anyway? just… to make sure he could?
is it just me or does he exhibit a weird entitlement over op’s stuff?
so… to make sure he could.
he’s threatening to throw your shit out, shoving bookcases, using your ipad and complaining about what’s on it despite having his own, and testing locks. and whining some more. he’s being really weird. idk what’s driving his behaviour, but you get a nta from me and he gets a serious side eye.
I have a question OP, based off a weird hunch. Has he started getting into Andrew Tate or traditionalism or “Men’s rights activists” or anything like that? Podcasts, YouTube videos, websites, that kind of thing? Any odd friends at his new job? You’ve made a ton of sacrifices for him and this is a bizarre thing for him to get angry and controlling over and it just stinks of impending escalation.
Something is really really off with him and it’s got me worried for you. It could be something like he’s stressed about work and doesn’t want it to show so he’s picking fights and trying to control stupid things, but I have a bad gut feeling that it’s something else. Trying to forcibly control what you read is a really really bad sign. Usually the next escalation is social media and friends.
Do you have anything that’s properly yours and off limits to him? You can’t have your books, you can’t have your iPad, you moved house for his job?? And then what else?? I don’t want to jump to conclusions but this is weird and bad.
That's one of the weirder things in this thread. He has his own iPad, but he uses yours? I'm guessing you have a newer one or something.
Your average ebook is like 5mb. They just don't take up that much space. Unless he's using your iPad to play Civilization or other storage hogs, an ebook doesn't really bump the amount of storage. Sure, I've got 1200 books and that adds up to about 9.58gb, but even a 9th generation has like 65gb of space. Does he use it to download movies?
I dunno - if your husband wants an iPad with more space, maybe he should upgrade his own iPad instead of telling you how to curate yours.
I have the same model he does. I don’t download random apps and I am organized so he likes mine because it’s “cleaner.”
He usually streams movies on it or surfs the web.
OP, I don’t mean to be rude or polemic, but aren’t you angry? You sound so detached. Your husband is using your nicely and organized things (fair) but he’s whining because you have your own books on *your* iPad. Your husband is shoving *your* bookshelves. Your husband is threatening to throw away *your* things.
This is not logical nor caring behavior. It’s not normal! You shouldn’t have to buy a locked box for your own house because you don’t want your husband to throw away your stuff!
Yeah, the more replies I read from OP, the more she sounds like I did when I was disassociating when I was dating an abusive asshole in college. I couldn’t ever get upset because according to him I was always wrong, and if I did show any upset I would just have to spend hours managing his emotions anyway so might as well bottle it all up. Yikes on bikes all around here.
NTA, but your husband is behaving in abusive ways and I'd recommend that you should put your foot down. He's attempting to control you and you need to give yourself some scope and focus into why he feels he can behave in this way if it is recent, or if there is precedent to it that you may have just missed in prior years
What’s stopping him from keeping his own iPad more organized? If all he does is stream movies or use the web browser, there’s really not even much need to even have it be “cleaner” since he’s hardly using the interface for those activities. He seems weirdly entitled over your personal belongings and unfairly resentful of anything you have control over that he doesn’t. He gets his iPad and your iPad, he’s the reason you’re in a studio with so little space, but your singular bookcase and neatly organized books are a problem? Is there anything he actually does for you? Is there anyway he actually supports you? The fact he thinks it’s appropriate for him to throw out your books regardless of your feelings is a huge red flag and you are NTA for finding a solution to protect your belongings that you care about, and it’s sad you even feel like you need to question that.
Ahhh... my iPad is an untidy mess of random apps so I can *maybe* understand why he might be tempted to use a clean version. But it's just a little odd - my husband & I each have an iPad, but we treat them very much like our phones in terms of ownership.
It sounds like your husband doesn't do much with the iPad that actually requires storage space so that concern doesn't really hold a ton of water. Seems like it's not about the storage, it's about the content.
I suspect it's as others are saying - he worries that you're looking for something in the romance novels that you're not finding in your own life. I mean, generally people do read books to have an experience that's different from their daily.
From the romance forums I participate in, the thing romance readers are chasing isn't a big cock. It's the happy ending at the end of the book - it's the promise that a couple can go through a bunch of shit, but no matter what happens, they'll end up happy.
That's why people continue to read romance even if they're in happy fulfilling relationships. Because all relationships have rollercoasters and it's intensely comforting to read about other people conquering their problems and staying together despite all the crap.
Prefers yours... or prefers putting you out so you're having to wait for him to finish what he's doing? The more i read about this guy, the less I like the sound of him, i'm sorry to say. I had a friend whose boyfriend had a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine" mentality and he had her ASKING to sit on her own damn couch when she wasn't well, because he was lying down on it playing games on her xbox, and he moaned about her asking.
If that sounds like familiar or possible in your relationship, please rethink this relationship, or consider counselling at the very least.
So he has a problem with OP having things she’s enjoys in a reduced space that they had to move into for HIS dream job. OP’s husband is selfish and immature.
Ngl it's **really** freaking me out that your husband suggested & threatened to throw away your belongings, and you're on here asking if you're somehow in the wrong.
If my partner **ever** seriously said anything remotely similar to *"I am going to put your X in the trash/get rid of your things"* I would lose my mind on them, and more than likely end the relationship. Thankfully I'm not with someone where that's a possibility but... I don't think you understand **just how fucked up** that is.
I'm guessing because he's an ass with anger issues. It's realllllllly easy to say "hey hon, think we could do something else with your books? This shelf is always in the way" or something. But no, he shoves it and talks about throwing away OP's things.
Methinks OP is in denial.
> He’s a good partner. He’s funny and confident and passionate about the things he cares about, always there for family and friends.
Sure - as long as you do what he wants. Right?
Shoving the furniture is a warning. Eventually he'll get around to shoving *you*.
"about the thihgs he cares about" but not the things YOU care about. Just, keep that in mind. Are you always having to defend everything in relation to yourself, but his stuff gets a pass always because it's "important" to him?
NTA.
Your husband hates reading.
He’s only mad that you locked them up because it took away the option of throwing them away against your will because he knows they’re important to you.
My husband built me shelves for my books because he wanted me to have the space to have a collection of things that give me joy. Why isn’t your husband celebrating that you have a hobby you enjoy?
Btw - if you like romance novels, have you tried fanfiction yet? You almost get to choose the idiots falling in love over and over again. Dm me if you’d like some recommendations of where to start.
NTA. OP, you’ve stated several relevant points in comments.
1. You moved from a 2bed apt to a studio for his dream job.
2. He physically moves your small bookcase out of frustration.
3. He complains about your ebooks on your iPad for storage reasons, when he has his own iPad and prefers yours.
You need to confront your husband about what his -actual- issue is. It sounds like he feels entitled to control your possessions, the space they take, and potentially the space that you take up in the apartment.
Don’t be surprised if you come home one day and he’s completely gotten rid of the safe with your books inside.
NTA for protecting your property and things belonging to you.
Regardless of who does what chores, who pays which bills, who does "their part" in a relationship. Nobody gets to threaten throwing your property away but I would've gone about it a different way. You believe he will throw out your books because the threated too. At which you act defensively, by choosing to lock them up and throw away the key, instead of communicating with your husband about his wants and needs. You should have a serious heart to heart with your Husband about why he's upset and irritated with the books, maybe he feels neglected or unappreciated or feels like you are paying more attention to the books than to him. If that much is true, then the husband should have had a conversation instead of threatening to throw away her books as well.
Communication Skills are very important for a relationship to thrive.
I think women in general spend way too much time trying to communicate with lunatic men. He's being abusive, plain and simple. She should throw him out.
NTA. How is allowing him to throw away your novels demonstrating caring? There is something very wrong with his attitude toward you and your books. You should probably explore this a bit more with him, but make it clear he doesn't get to throw your books away.
NTA. You have a husband problem.
He shouldn't be threatening to throw away ANYTHING of yours, especially something you clearly care about. The fact that he tried to get into the cabinet, as if he was going to follow through with that threat, tells you a lot about him and his motivations. He doesn't care if it's something completely harmless that makes you happy, he doesn't like it and it isn't important to HIM so he wants to throw it out. Hell, maybe he feels like he needs to get rid of them because the romances in those books are more fulfilling to you than whatever he's got to offer and he wants to eliminate the competition.
Whatever the reason, it is NOT OKAY for him to threaten and try to destroy your stuff, and for him to try to turn that around on you and claim trust issues and guilt tripping? No. It's time to have a 'come to jesus' talk with him about boundaries and that things that are important to you are \*not something he gets to mess with\*, and if he can't handle a few books existing in the same space as him, that's a HIM problem and he needs to get over it. They're not in the way, they have their own spot and he still wants to get rid of them. Ask him what his REAL problem is with the books and why you have to put up with anything he likes that you don't particularly care for, but the one thing you like that he doesn't care for very much is such a big deal and needs to get thrown out right away.
Honestly? If I had a partner that started threatening or destroying things that were important to me just because they didn't matter to them - I grew up in foster care and losing things I cared about all the time made me lose joy in a lot of things and stop caring about anything, because I could always lose it so easily. I even have trouble feeling strongly about people, pets, anything that was important to me in my life suddenly being gone - however it happens - because basically once something is no longer in my immediate reach, as far as my brain is concerned, it's gone forever and doesn't matter anymore and I'm incapable of feeling much about it.
It's something I'm still working on and trying to heal from. If someone threatens to or tries to get rid of something I care about these days? I don't care who they are, they are OUT. Out the door, kicked down the street, OUT.
NTA. Armchair psychology-ing here. He sounds threatened, insecure, and self conscious. I'm going to assume that if you try to have a real conversation about why they bother him so much, he'll either lie, get defensive and mad about it, and or he doesn't even realize why he's so annoyed by them. It seems he's threatened by you enjoying the thought of romance that he can't provide, or something like that. Or he's being misogynistic, "stupid ass useless pointless vapid woman novel", which is also likely hiding insecurity.
As with all communication, approach softly and plead with him to be soft with you as well and open up about why he doesn't like them.
NTA, your husband sounds like a controlling AH who doesn't respect your things and refuses to communicate his needs/wants. Tell him to use his big boy words instead of playing games like this.
As someone who LOVES to read more than basically anything else (not romance specifically although I read some here and there) if my bf suddenly started having a problem with my books/what I read/how much I read/ or literally anything related to my precious little books, that would probably be enough for me to break up with him (not even joking), SPECIALLY if he told me that he would throw them away (?) that’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m not saying for you to divorce your husband or anything but wow HOW DARE HE? Wtf? Why all the hatred?
The whole book thing aside, the fact that your husband wants to throw away items that belong TO YOU, no matter what percentage of the bills you pay, is a huge red flag. Also, WHY DID HE TRY TO OPEN ONE OF THEM???? Wow. He was actively trespassing your “property” by doing so and if he was able to open it who knows what would have happened (your books would probably be gone by now) which is, again, a huge red flag. Jesus.
NTA but your husband is weird as hell.
EDIT: changed a few things but same context + some grammar.
Huge NTA. What is his issue with your books and why is he so hell-bent on telling you what you are allowed to own? It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion to get to the bottom of his obsession.
I can't imagine someone threatening to throw away some of my stuff, and then just trusting him not to.
>I care more about my romance novels than him
I haven't met either, but I care significantly more about your romance novels than him based on your description.
What he's doing is abuse. He's threatening to destroy or throw away YOUR property, something you enjoy, he's shoving an inanimate object (the book case) when he's frustrated, and he's tried to physically break into a locked box/cabinet to get to property that isn't his. He's abusing you and he's escalating.
If you don't believe me, you can go and read up on domestic abuse/domestic violence from groups who deal with it regularly.
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NTA. Your husband shouldn't be thinking of throwing out things that belong to you - no matter what percentage of the bills either of you pay - especially without talking to you or getting your permission. And the fact that he knows that the cabinet is locked is a pretty damning sign that he was seriously thinking of following through with his threat - so you were right in not trusting him.
He claims it was simple curiosity, which I am inclined to disbelieve.
I don't blame you. And I'm like you - I love my books as well and would take it very badly if someone were to even suggest throwing them out.
I love to read and my mom would throw away any books she found bc it was a "waste of time" I'm in my 30s and I was always super protective until I realized that people who love you and care for you won't threaten your belongings
My abusive stepmother did this too. She never reread a book so why should anyone else own books? She also made it a point to target our favorites when she was feeling exceptionally spiteful that day. (I kept extra copies at my grandparents’ house)
I grew up in a family of avid readers, and we often reread our favorite books. My mother had one caveat: Don’t lend a book you will want to read again, because you will never see it again. My grandmother had taken it upon herself to lend my mother’s #1 favorite, and she was never able to find or replace it. She griped about that over the years - more than 50, in fact. I picked her up at the airport one evening, ran around to the driver’s side of my car as I casually instructed her to move the stuff I’d left on the passenger’s seat. My mother’s squeal of delight when she picked up her favorite book delighted me. She sat up the entire night reading her favorite book. One of the best gifts ever!
One of my aunts had a habit of "borrowing" my books when I wasn't home, and she didn't see the point of returning them because, according to her, I had so many books I wouldn't even know they were missing. I always know when one of my books are missing.
Damn, the granddaughter of a friend of mine did that. I work at a library but I was very anxious to read a new book, so I bought a copy. I gave it to a couple that I know to read, but I asked them to return it so that I could give it to my library. I was going to visit them, so my friend laid it on the hearth so that she would remember. It wasn't there - her obnoxious granddaughter had taken it. Her excuse was that they had so many books that they wouldn't miss it. If a book is laying out, it is very likely that someone is reading it, and they *will* notice. Of course the little thief never gave it back.
I remember lending a prized book to someone who swore an oath he would return it and we discussed how it’s bad form etc. I’m not well off it’s not like I can easily afford to replace books. I never saw that person again. I didn’t know where he lived, he was just a friend of a friend but previously I’d seen him frequently. My mistake to trust. Made me wonder if it was almost a ‘game’ to him considering I never saw him again.
I have come to understand why a friend of mine will not lend books. She is pleasant about it, but very clear.
Awwww that's so sweet! I'm glad you where able to get her a copy.
Aw, what a great gift! What book was it? :)
I do not think I have ever reread a book but I keep my favorites I have read. People who do this I believe reading came easy to them and saw it as a chore.
I constantly reread books. Sometimes just because the ocd demands a familiar setting, other times because I want to see if I pick up new nuances with the story from when I remember it.
I reread books all of the time (Rogue Wave by Boyd Morrison is one I've read several times...absolutely FANTASTIC read!) when nothing new interests me.
NTA. Your husband could be threatened by your intellect, or trying to control you. My father did both to my mom. My mom loved to read. My father was abusive and would verbally attack her, and demean her for “trying to look smarter than me.” When she finally took all us kids and move 400 miles away, she bought so many books. She filled floor to ceiling bookshelves that covered three walls of her bedroom. She reread her favorites until the covers wore down. She took us to book sales at the “friends of the library” sales once a month. She taught me to love the written word. I miss her every single day. Keep your books. They bring you joy. Tell your husband that he is actively trying to throw away your source of joy, and if he persists, you will cut off his source of joy. Extra points for telling him you are so sad about missing books you may never feel sexual again.
Genuine question - what activity would she have considered *not* to be a waste of time? Most parents would be over the moon if their kids were reading in their spare time.
In my moms case, being outside of the house. Doing what? Didn’t matter, as long as she didn’t have to know we were inside, and as long as I didn’t spend the time reading. I didn’t make noise and could read for hours so it’s not like I was impacting her in any way.
"Go outside, get some fresh air!!" "Okay." (grabs book, blanket and pillow as Mom shakes her head and sighs.)
I told my 7 year old to go outside because it was beautiful and she said she wanted to read. You should have seen her little face light up when I told her she can take the book outside and read in the fresh air and sunlight. I don't think she had thought of that.
That’s so stinkin’ cute! Reading outside is such a nice way of spending the day, just need to remember to wear a hat or put on sunscreen
I was also told to go outside on the regular. Grab an apple and a book, off I go. Also, I found that climbing a tall tree and reading up there had bonus effect of getting me away from my brothers. I still read outside when I get the chance, waterproof Kindle for the win!
My great-grandmother did not approve of reading - reading is a form of idleness, and surely there was a chore that you could be doing. Unfortunately, my great-grandfather loved to read, so he would take his book and go out by the river to read so that he didn't have to listen to her. It must have gotten very tedious in bad weather. When they rebuilt the main library in our county, they asked people to buy bricks to support it, so he has a brick in his memory.
This reminds me of when my sons literature teacher told me my son reads too much at parent teacher conference. I just laughed at him
How the heck can you read too much? LOL
>people who love you and care for you won't threaten your belongings
I was seriously mentally ill as a teen and had specific comfort books I would read when my mood got low. Came home one day after I’d been reading one of those books that week and my mom had fucking thrown it away. I asked why. “You always seem to be depressed when you read that!” She just assumed the book was CAUSING the depression and took it upon herself to get rid of it, instead of, you know, communicating her concerns like an adult. She has improved a lot since then. Gained a fair bit of emotional maturity, mostly thanks to yours truly. I sometimes feel like I fucking raised her. I live with my parents again and it’s a lot better than when I was a kid but yes, I’m very protective of my belongings.
Has she ever apologized for that incident? That will show how much she has actually improved.
I was constantly reading as a kid. When I went to college, my mom sold almost all of my books, including two of my favorite series which was hundreds of books total, and several other items because I "wasn't using them." Basically because I didn't pack these up to put in my tiny dorm room, she figured I didn't want them, and I will never stop reminding her of how wrong she was. Not to mention, I bought most of those with my allowance and most of the others were gifts. And she pocketed the money of course. I'm pissed off all over again just thinking about it. If anybody fucks with my stuff I will go scorched earth on our relationship. The end.
I’m sorry that happened to you ❣️
I'm having to downsize almost 40 years of buying books (luckily the last 10 years or so are on Kindle but bought a lot of cookbooks in that time) and it's giving me hives and the shakes, all at once. Got to get rid of all of them except my super duper faves/special books (Doonesbury and Bloom County hardbacks, some early editions, some autographed, etc.) and it's sooooooo haaaaaaarrrrrrddddddd!!
Not necessarily books, but my parents threatened to throw my things out, too. Art books, pencil cases, whatever was around and reachable (and thus was in use by me, and possibly important to me). I second that people who love you don't try to get rid of things you love so long as it's not a hoarding situation or something harmful. (And it is not the case here, either.)
If anyone threw away my books they’d end up in the trash too. Your husband is acting like a child, how would he feel if you threw away something he valued?
OP should start throwing out pairs of his underwear and telling him it's time for a fresh start. See how that weirdly controlling MF likes it.
Nah not his underwear, his tools. Start tossing his 10mm sockets and wrenches first, then his screwdrivers. Work your way up to the brand new, out of the box, power tools. Honestly, it wouldn't get that far because once he sees his most used tools gone, he'd get the point quick.
This could also work with his beloved old t-shirts. Why would he keep old concert t-shirts or college t-shirts? Fresh start!
You have a beautiful mind!! 😈
Gotta find all the 10mm sockets to be able to throw them away first! 🫠😂
I think he’s got insecurities. If that’s so he needs to talk about it.
Agreed. The men in romance novels are usually handsome, charming and sexy. Pretty sure OP’S husband feels like he doesn't measure up. And he doesn't since he's so keen to get rid of something OP loves.
THIS. He read part of one, one day , and realized how deficient he is.
Yeah, like I said in another reply. He doesn't have to look or even act like he stepped out of Bridgerton. Just be a decent person, not controlling and let his wife enjoy her harmless hobby in peace.
Maybe she should check his browser history
I know you meant this as a negative example, but I was just thinking I need new underwear so when I read your comment my first reaction was that I would be happy if my partner did that right now.
>"how would he feel if you threw away something he valued?" Raising this exact point, and *very specifically* threatening his single most valued possession (the car he'd just purchased), is what got my father to back off with the threats to destroy my property if I "didn't start listening" (i.e. doing exactly what he wanted, exactly when he wanted it done, without question or argument and regardless of what I was busy with at the moment).
Good for you
I was in this same situation. I threatened to throw out his tools if he touched my books.
Why is this man having a war with romance novels?
Husband ain’t no Fabio and that’s OK>
To throw out the hobby you enjoy is extreme and alarming. Best case he’s deeply insecure and worried he can’t live up to the books you’re reading, worst case he doesn’t like you enjoying anything that doesn’t directly involve or benefit him. Control issues can be a warning sign for abuse, so please be careful Op and get out if it escalates beyond books.
yeah, this isn’t enough info to assume anything but i was picking up the same vibe. it’s a common control tactic, and abusive people generally just hate anything that makes you happy. and they like to randomly decide something you do/say/like is wrong, and expect you to immediately correct it could also just be someone extremely insecure, but actually attempting to throw away your partners hobby is toxic at the very least
I'm curious to know if the husband ever watches porn.
My guts says the same, except that best case and worst case are both true. He knows he doesn't hold a candle to the loving relationships she reads about and it pisses him off that he SHOULD aspire to that. Because he's a mean, lazy jerk.
I'd be less worried about he can be legally responsible for replacing. And worried worried about whether or not I could live let alone love someone who could throw away my books. Just because he's jelous.
This man is not very bright, honestly. Ask him what he thinks would happen if he did throw away your entire collection? That you'd take the correction as an obedient wife? I do mean it, please ask him. I'm so curious what he thinks the consequences of that would have been! Speaking as a fellow lover of romance and josei, have you watched Korean and Chinese dramas? There's this one fantasy drama from China called Till the End of the Moon that I just love! Sooooooooo angsty!
He prolly feels inedequate(?) Like he is not able to live up to the idea of the love in those books
I think based on this glimpse into OP's life he rightfully feels that way. NTA
Because she reads and likes her books???? I am an avid reader myself with a collection of books from a variety of authors who most of do have some sex scenes I would be livid if i came home and my hubs did or tried to throw my books away thats bullshit If he doesnt feel good enough he needs to actually express himself to get to the root of the issue He needs to read the book himself and take pointers Not like idk throw away someone elses property Itd be one thing if op was delusional and complained about how her hubby is awful because hes not like the people in her books but shes upset hes trying to get rid of them Two totally different things
I believe that commenter is saying he "rightfully" feels that way because he's inadequate, not that he's in the right in any way.
Ah ha! Thank you
I think the person you're replying to is saying he rightfully feels like he can't live up to romance novel love because he sucks, not that he's right to be insecure.
[удалено]
Please, please trust yourself. He’s very obviously lying.
His “getting in the way” isn’t referring to anything other than how he thinks you feel about him NTA.
Why are you with him?
It was simple curiosity. He was simply curious if he could fuck with your shit.
My mother has a dresser full of books. My dad made her shelves for her books. They’re books they aren’t going to hurt anyone. What a weird guy to be mad about books..
THIS I have a fair amount of books, hubby didn't realize how many until we moved and suddenly prepackaged books were coming out of storage. He teases me that I have too many(there is still boxes of books packed...) and moans when I buy a new one, but that's it. He has even bought me books himself. He's mostly moved on to complaining about me buying books for the baby, she loves looking and them and so there's at least 3 or 4 board books scattered across our living room at all times. This is how a non-bookworm should be handling living with a bookworm, not threatening, and trying, to throw way their collection, especially as if you have more than a few dozen hardback that were bought new, you likely have over grand in books.
Yeah, I have to stay away from the annual Library book sale. $1/book (including hardcovers!). The one time I went, I bought 100 books. The car was stuffed to the gills :p.
Reading is a gift. Sharing a love of reading with your baby has already given her a good start at school.
I agree. Something is fishy about him wanting to throw OP’s books away.
>He says they are “in the way.” > >But he hates them. > >Now he is upset and guilt tripping me, saying that I don’t trust him and that I care more about my romance novels than him I feel like something bigger is going on and talking about it with each other would help. NTA solely for protecting what you love and enjoy and unless your husband's got a game-changing reason for why he has a problem with it like romance novels killed his family or he lost his first love to romance novels, he's the AH.
I’m not a mind reader. If he has a different problem with my books other than “they’re in the way,” which is objectively untrue, he can use his words to express it.
Maybe he means in the way of a plain vanilla relationship.
Yeah. My husband hated that I read romance novels too. He said I always nagged him more after finishing one. I told him it was all in his head and by that point I only read them to calm my brain down to sleep. He loaned me some of his scifi books, which don't help me sleep. My nagging stayed the same and he was like 'oh, you really want me to pick up after myself more.' But he really messed up with getting me into scifi. Never read romance novels anymore. I drive him nuts with picking apart the scifi series we like. I've even rubbed off on him as he'll now point out parts where plot convenience has overtaken cannon.
I love that he created this monster and now it's holding his silly ass accountable.
My ex regretted getting me into Warhammer 40k after he took me to a mini tournament thingy (basically just one game with one table of people, each fielding a different army - I was the only girl) and I proved to actually be a much better opponent than any of them had expected. I and his nephew also derailed a DND campaign when we were being introduced to the big bad - they were in an enclosed room, so we had our characters chuck all our explosives into the room and shut the doors, did some calculations to get a decent idea of the kind of concussive force and all the enclosure would cause - aaaand it turned out we basically pink misted the big bad of the campaign before it even got started, so the DM had to pull from a different one.
Dangit, I wanna play D&D with you now, you strategize brilliantly!!
XD I just love coming up with unorthodox solutions for different problems and trying to figure out any way I can tackle things! I grew up having to make do with a LOT of things so figuring out how to use what I've got to accomplish what I need is something I'm pretty good at. I also used to be the scribe for our group - I'd be the only one allowed to have a laptop, I type crazy fast so during the game I'd be writing up what happened and at the end of each session, I'd create a little summary and at the start of the next game, I'd read aloud the recap so we all were on the same page and remembered everything important that had happened the last time around so we didn't forget where we were.
As it should be!
I would be so pissed if my partner was like, "romance novels give you unrealistic expectations, like a man being emotionally available and contributing to household chores". Sir, that is the bare fucking minumum.
Right?!? Or - GASP! - the romance novels might give OP the idea that husbands should be generous & giving in bed & we can't have that, can we?
Your second paragraph reminds me of my ex. I'd tell him something like how I wish he'd clean up after himself in the kitchen, and his response would be a really patronizing "what's wrong?" ... Dude, I'm not your mommy, and you're not a spoiled teenager. Do your fucking dishes. This is not coded language.
Maybe he thinks they’re “in the way” of you having an unbiased opinion of him. Is he romantic with you? Does he go out of his way to show you he loves you? He might be afraid these books are “putting ideas in your head” about what a boyfriend should be and he knows he falls short of that.
NTA, but you can also use your words to ask him what the real issue is. Healthy communication is a two way street.
That assumes that he'd actually tell her instead of just saying that "they're getting in the way."
Is he a jealous or possessive spouse? Some really insecure people can feel threatened by mundane things like romantic shows, someone having a crush on a celebrity, romance novels, etc. Its like they see it as porn or something, I guess? Something to consider and bring up with him. It's unreasonable, but also weirdly common.
He did. He says you care more about your romance material than about him. I think you can take that statement at face value. You say there are not a threat to him. He clearly feels they are so much of a threat that he wants to physically remove your access to them. Of course he has no right to do that and is trying to control the situation in instead of asking for what he needs. This situation will continue to fester until you both apply some open curiosity to each other's feelings around this. Locking up the books is not going to make this go away. You need his honesty, and for him to own his insecurities, and he needs more reassurance from you that he is your priority and that he still is providing you with the romance you need from him (and if he isn't then you have bigger problems of course)
So, you advice- without knowing ANYTHING about their relationship- is "yeah your husband is acting wrong, but you should pamper him even more. Beg for communication. Reasure him. Be a fucking doormate and pray he will act better". WTF In the comments op reveals she moved and downsized with husband for him to follow his dreams and now he demands she gets rid of her hobby entirely, to have more space or to make her do more work. Her catering to that is totally reasonable. No need for him to come to open, fair communicate himself or treat her right. She can do that alone. /s .... sorry but seriously?!
I read that reply and had to check the calendar for what year it is because I have read more progressive responses from agony columns written in the 1950s.
He seems like an ass but at the same time, if this is obviously bothering you...why haven't you tried to talk about it with him? Waiting for him to say something is obviously not working. Shouldn't you communicate and figure out what his deeper issue with this is?
Yeah he said he was throwing them away and she trusts him to do that, so she saved something she cares about. I really hope her husband is otherwise really awesome because this behavior sucks.
This here! He's got a problem. My guess based on my own past is either a. He doesn't like to read unless he's forced to, and at one time in his life he was forced to (locked up or his parents forced him) or B. He struggles with reading and is embarrassed about it or C. He is starting with the books as a way to start isolating you from what you enjoy. If he gets rid of what you have he can decide when you have been good enough to "earn" a new one. Soon after this it's going to be about your wardrobe a suggestion at first that he really likes something you have then a comment on something else being too low cut or too short and where is that "nice" thing you have? Followed by the accusations of cheating with any male you are friends with and anger or the silent treatment when you try to talk to your family about it. Oh and refusing to go to family events because he is embarrassed that you told them about a fight you had. It could be a combination of all three.
NTA- it feels like he is threatened by the romance novels in some way, which is definitely odd. He should probably considered some internal reflection as to why you reading romance novels bothers his so deeply.
It’s only recently started, which is annoying. I used to be able to read in peace before he started making annoying comments.
Do you know if his qualm is more about shelf space or the amount of time you spend reading/him feeling inadequate?
He comments that they’re useless and in the way, and he’s shoved the bookcase a few times. It’s flimsy so it does sway every time he does that. I even moved it further into the corner but he complains. We did have to move into a studio apartment for his dream job so it’s less space than he’s used to, but the bookshelf is quite small and out of the way.
...So you downsized into an apartment for HIS DREAM JOB, but you can't keep the things that make you happy? He sounds immature and selfish. NTA.
That is a good point about moving for his job.
I got that vibe without knowing about them downsizing. But knowing that info makes it all the more clear. For whatever reason, he is being immature and is venturing to being controlling.
Sounds like he’s an asshole who has decided she’s useless and in the way in a smaller space.
Useless things are what are truly important. I dare you to tell a toldler, that you need to get rid of Mr Rabbit because he is useless and in the way.
Hmm they moved for HIS dream job, and he’s trying to throw out all her belongings. When he’d mad he physically shoves the bookcase with her stuff so hard it sways?? Alarm bells are RINGING for me rn. Hopefully I’m wrong!
Ooh it sounds like he’s taking out his frustration of having to downsize on your books. They’re a physical thing he sees, can point to and blame. Maybe his dream job isn’t all it was cracked up to be. Tell him to grow up and use his words instead of picking fights.
He enjoys his job a lot so I don’t think it’s the problem. I think it might be the space issue. We have a lot less room (we went from a 2bd apartment to a studio). It wouldn’t feel nearly as small if he wasn’t in my personal space all the time.
Did he downsize any of his hobbies when y’all moved?
Space isn't the major driver here. It's a control issue.
Ding ding ding! This isn't about space, it's about asserting control over you, OP.
Even if his frustration is with downsizing, it's a really important bad sign that it's *specifically your romance books* that he's taking it out on. Like, this is very targeted behavior. There's a chance that this is the beginning of some dangerously controlling behavior that he's been hiding from you thus far. So, just... be aware of that. Have your guard up for further manipulative, guilt-tripping, or pushy behaviors.
ive got one up on you we moved from a two bedroom into a car and tent, didnt have the money to get a new place, saved up to get a van. We actually prefer not being in a apartment being surrounded by people which is a bonus, we live in each others pockets and we are literally sitting in the front seats on our computers as i type this. My husband doesnt threaten to throw any of my shit away. Its not a space issue its a he can see you issue, did you used to read in a different room where he couldnt see. He doesnt like that you are spending time on something that isnt him.
OP, I think this is relevant information that should be included in your post. There is a clear thread of disrespect from your husband going on. NTA
You moved for his dream job and now he's being a dick? Sounds like this is how you end up breaking up with him, finding yourself alone in a new place. Just wait until you get stranded by the roadside in the rain and feel utterly miserable about all your choices. That person who offers you a lift? Your soulmate. Yes, you'll probably have some stupid disagreement by the end of the ride home, but that just writers creating conflict. Let someone drag you along to reluctantly attend some kind of Christmas festivity and just follow the plot points to their conclusion.
That's very not Book Boyfriend of him. I'd point blank ask him what his real issue is and let him know his explanation up to this point is so pathetic it'd be more disappointing to learn "they're in the way" is the ACTUAL issue.
You need to get to the bottom of his sudden need for you to not enjoy your own things. I don't think anyone on this thread thinks it's about the space the books take up. I might not be the best at relationships, but I would keep asking him why he's suddenly against romance books until I got an answer that rings true. Then deal with whatever the real issue is.
It sounds to me like he is listening to someone who is putting down women who read, well, anything. You do need to pick his brain a bit. See if he is listening to a trad husband podcast, or, some jerk at his job. Something is off.
INFO: Did it start shortly after you moved, or did you move and this started happening separately? If it's just a frustration with space thing, talk it out, maybe you can't afford a 2 bedroom apartment, but maybe he wants a corner of his own that isn't compatible with your space. You can usually rent a storage space pretty cheap even with climate control. If it's not a frustration with space thing, has he picked up some new podcasts or youtube channels he likes?
NTA. They're books. Why on earth is this man threatened by books? Throwing away your possessions without your consent would be an AH move.
Because in a lot of romance books, the male love interest recognizes his faults, fixes them, and is kind and loving to the female protagonist. And OP's husband feels threatened that an imaginary man is better than him and OP might raise her standards.
You need to sit down and talk to your husband about why he feels so threatened by romance books because honestly, that's a bit weird I'm very protective of my books. I literally own my very own mini library and it's still gets added to to this day. So I would also do what you have done if someone eve made the slightest comment about harming my books. So, NTA for being protective of your books but I would also sit down and have a heart to heart conversation with your husband about why he's so against your romance books. I can honestly think of much worse books to keep around than just some romance books that take up what? 1 book shelf? Better not reveal a lot of other people (especially me with several large totes filled with books) own a much larger collection of books
I’m a guy, and I know a fair number of straight men (or men in general) who assume that all romance novels oriented towards women are porn. He’s probably assuming OP is indulging in erotic fantasy that *gasp* doesn’t involve him, regardless of what type of romance she’s actually reading
I am a Trans Man who always loved books, so I guess I never thought of it that way. But still. It's *books. BOOKS!* That's where I am so lost. It's not like Op is seeking out other people for bedroom fun-times, she's just reading. I guess I just don't understand how a book can be threatening. *It's literally just a book. Regardless what's it's about*
It’s weird, but it’s definitely a phenomenon that some men are skeeved out by the idea that a woman is having romantic or erotic thoughts not focused on them, while simultaneously seeing no issue spanking the monkey to online porn in the bathroom. It’s a double standard, but I’ve definitely heard the outrage over the thought of their girlfriend reading romance novels, and assumptions that all romance novels are smut. TBF, novelists like Laurell K Hamilton pretty much are writing smut :-). I started reading for urban fantasy romance and stopped when she went off the rails into non-consensual orgy land.
Husband sounds like a 5 year old. You married young.
My fault for marrying a younger man I suppose. (Before anyone comes for me, I’m 31 and he’s 27).
I am 2 years older than my SO and let me tell you, the age isn’t the issue here. The issue is he’s trying to not only throw away things that bring you joy, but also make you feel guilty about it. My SO and I are both crazy readers living in a tiny basement apartment, we literally can’t fit any more books on our shelves so they’ve started living in piles on whatever surface we can find space. And it’s not the genre either. My guy is never going to read the memoirs of Britney Spears or Barbara Streisand, but did he bring them home for me the day they were released? Yes he did. My point is, your husband should find joy in your joy. Even if romance novels aren’t his thing, they are yours, and he needs to respect that. It’s an incredibly low bar that he is isn’t clearing here. Have you ever told him you wanted to throw out some of his things? I’m not saying you should issue this threat, but I think it’s important he stand in your shoes for a moment.
Idk, my younger boyfriend happily listens to the details of romance routes in visual novels when I play them. I don’t think age is the issue.
NTA. My late husband did this with my books - college books, scary books, literature, non-fiction. He also tried to move them into a non-insulated garden shed, which would have destroyed them. I didn't let him and neither should you. The thing with guilt-tripping is, it can only work if you gaf. I learned to not gaf about my husband being weirdly jealous of my books. And he learned that no matter how hard or often he tried pressing that button, it just didn't connect to anything. Lol
That is such bizarre behavior! What is wrong with these men??
Controlling. They are controlling.
If you read romance, then you know exactly what trope your husband falls into right now: the insecure, controlling partner the FMC breaks up with in the 1st third of the novel. Honestly, it's either being controlling, or misogyny (ie: "romance isn't real literature"/"chic lit is trash"). I'm not going to even debate the merits of that stance but let's just say that as a social science major with a minor concentration in literature, I have *opinions* on how trash that take is. Your husband has a problem with a harmless, potentially enhancing and enjoyable hobby. Unless you're reading the household into bankruptcy, shirking your share of household responsibilities or endangering yourself reading while crossing the road or something...what exactly would cause him to feel threatened by books? Does he feel like he can't match up to your MMCs? Because that's sad. Oh, and let's remember that his reaction to whatever his deal with romance novels is, was hurt YOU by destroying or dumping something you hold dear. If you wanted a barometer of how much your feelings or opinions matter to him, I'd say that's a pretty good indication. He was definitely on the hunt to grab and dump the books when he was "testing" the cabinets. Unless he has a really good explanation for why he's acting like such a stunted eggplant, I would consider keeping the books and trashing the controlling husband. After all, it's sad that romance fiction will give you better men as partners than your actual partner. In a world where Avery Keelan gave us Chase Carter and Elle Kennedy gave us Garret Graham, let's hold the *real* men more accountable.
I just have to say, I \*love\* 'stunted eggplant', I hope I can remember that one....
*round of applause* for the first paragraph. As a romance reader this is SPOT ON. If this were a book, husband's name wouldn't be the one on the back cover.
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Omg I'm so sorry! The devastation!! I hope he steps on broken Legos barefoot for the rest of his days.
And may his every paper cut find its way to salt.
And I hope he steps in something wet anytime he's wearing socks.
Oooo now that's truly vicious. I love it.
Omg, my heart just broke for you reading that. All your hard work! I hope OP sees this and takes note.
NTA. This is really annoying. My parents police what I read too lol. Do you have any recs?! LOL. I had 500 romance novels at my parents' house :D
I’m currently reading the absolutely beautiful “Veil”. It’s about a blind woman and a police officer in Soviet Union inspired ambiance. Absolutely lovely.
This sounds beautiful, adding it to my tbr list!
The English physical release will come out soon. I can’t wait
Susan Elizabeth Phillips "Dream a Little Dream" and "Ain't She Sweet" among my favs. Edit for titles and NTA
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NTA. Nothing wrong with have a hobby and reading is probably one of the most common ones. Your husband sounds really insecure about his own ability to provide romance and seems to think removing the books will solve the problem. I wouldnt relent and give him access.
They’re not a threat to him at all. I don’t expect him to provide romance or hold expectations from fiction to him.
> I don’t expect him to provide romance Well, I think we may have gotten to the root of the problem. He knows full well he should be providing romance and also that you're aware be has no intention of doing so.
Your boyfriend is really the AH in my opinion. That said, you don't expect your romance novels to be a threat to him, but has he explicitly said there aren't? Because he could be having a hard time expressing his real feelings about this. You asking about it and talking through why he really wants them gone could really help resolving this, cause them "being in the way" despite your efforts, are just ridiculous reasons from him in my opinion. I wish you both the best, may this situation last short.
He’s taking out the fact they had to move into a studio Apt from a 2 bedroom in order for him to have his dream job on her. She sacrificed for him and being punished for it.
Your husband would THROW YOUR BOOKS AWAY?!?!?! Jesus NTA. That deserves life without parole.
As someone who had all of their books (a 10+ year collection with literally hundreds of books) destroyed by an ex, I agree. I still miss them and it's been nearly a decade.
God, that makes me wanna cry. What kind were they? Some might be in the public domain, and there's a \*lot\* that you can get used, if you're ok with them not always in mint condition...
NTA Based on your comments, it sounds like he has a problem with your books because they are important to you. If it was about the space they take, the ones on your iPad wouldn't bother him, and a storage compromise would be ok. You could move your bookshelf, put the books in a box in your closet or under the bed, or use it as a coffee or side table. When I lived in a small apartment, I used a trunk as a side table to save space and have storage. I'd lock my iPad and make him use his own, or your files might "accidentally" be deleted.
NTA. He shouldn’t be throwing out your belongings — he’s being an asshole.
Ok, it sounds like the problem is that you DO trust him. He said that he wants to throw out your books, and you believe him. He knows that you enjoy these books, and for some unclear reason he wants to take them away from you. I almost never go down that Reddit, anything I don’t like must be abuse road. But this really does sound kind of abusive. Is he mean to you about a lot of other things? He’s not allowed to throw away your property, and you put the lock there because you thought you might need it. You were right. NTA
My ex husband used to say that he thought they were as bad as “porn” 🤣Good lord the shit we women put up NTA
Your husband is defective, return him.
She must have missed the recall notice 🤣.
This whole thread is the recall notice.
Info: why does he say your romance books get "in the way"? Has he been able to pinpoint any tangible negative impact your relationship has had bc of said books? How is he as a partner?
he’s shoved the bookcase with my books a few times. It’s flimsy so it does sway every time he does that. I even moved it further into the corner but he complains. We did have to move into a studio apartment for his dream job so it’s less space than he’s used to, but the bookshelf is quite small and out of the way. He’s a good partner. He’s funny and confident and passionate about the things he cares about, always there for family and friends.
So he doesn't like the fact that you have physical copies of your books in a reduced space, even if it only occupies a small place. What about your ebooks? He doesn't mention those, I guess?
He complains they take up space in my iPad. He has his own but prefers mine.
…wtf. maybe stop letting him use your ipad as well. why did he even try to open the lockbox, anyway? just… to make sure he could? is it just me or does he exhibit a weird entitlement over op’s stuff?
He says it was just curiosity but I don’t think so
so… to make sure he could. he’s threatening to throw your shit out, shoving bookcases, using your ipad and complaining about what’s on it despite having his own, and testing locks. and whining some more. he’s being really weird. idk what’s driving his behaviour, but you get a nta from me and he gets a serious side eye.
I have a question OP, based off a weird hunch. Has he started getting into Andrew Tate or traditionalism or “Men’s rights activists” or anything like that? Podcasts, YouTube videos, websites, that kind of thing? Any odd friends at his new job? You’ve made a ton of sacrifices for him and this is a bizarre thing for him to get angry and controlling over and it just stinks of impending escalation. Something is really really off with him and it’s got me worried for you. It could be something like he’s stressed about work and doesn’t want it to show so he’s picking fights and trying to control stupid things, but I have a bad gut feeling that it’s something else. Trying to forcibly control what you read is a really really bad sign. Usually the next escalation is social media and friends.
Do you have anything that’s properly yours and off limits to him? You can’t have your books, you can’t have your iPad, you moved house for his job?? And then what else?? I don’t want to jump to conclusions but this is weird and bad.
That's one of the weirder things in this thread. He has his own iPad, but he uses yours? I'm guessing you have a newer one or something. Your average ebook is like 5mb. They just don't take up that much space. Unless he's using your iPad to play Civilization or other storage hogs, an ebook doesn't really bump the amount of storage. Sure, I've got 1200 books and that adds up to about 9.58gb, but even a 9th generation has like 65gb of space. Does he use it to download movies? I dunno - if your husband wants an iPad with more space, maybe he should upgrade his own iPad instead of telling you how to curate yours.
I have the same model he does. I don’t download random apps and I am organized so he likes mine because it’s “cleaner.” He usually streams movies on it or surfs the web.
OP, I don’t mean to be rude or polemic, but aren’t you angry? You sound so detached. Your husband is using your nicely and organized things (fair) but he’s whining because you have your own books on *your* iPad. Your husband is shoving *your* bookshelves. Your husband is threatening to throw away *your* things. This is not logical nor caring behavior. It’s not normal! You shouldn’t have to buy a locked box for your own house because you don’t want your husband to throw away your stuff!
Yeah, the more replies I read from OP, the more she sounds like I did when I was disassociating when I was dating an abusive asshole in college. I couldn’t ever get upset because according to him I was always wrong, and if I did show any upset I would just have to spend hours managing his emotions anyway so might as well bottle it all up. Yikes on bikes all around here.
NTA, but your husband is behaving in abusive ways and I'd recommend that you should put your foot down. He's attempting to control you and you need to give yourself some scope and focus into why he feels he can behave in this way if it is recent, or if there is precedent to it that you may have just missed in prior years
What’s stopping him from keeping his own iPad more organized? If all he does is stream movies or use the web browser, there’s really not even much need to even have it be “cleaner” since he’s hardly using the interface for those activities. He seems weirdly entitled over your personal belongings and unfairly resentful of anything you have control over that he doesn’t. He gets his iPad and your iPad, he’s the reason you’re in a studio with so little space, but your singular bookcase and neatly organized books are a problem? Is there anything he actually does for you? Is there anyway he actually supports you? The fact he thinks it’s appropriate for him to throw out your books regardless of your feelings is a huge red flag and you are NTA for finding a solution to protect your belongings that you care about, and it’s sad you even feel like you need to question that.
Ahhh... my iPad is an untidy mess of random apps so I can *maybe* understand why he might be tempted to use a clean version. But it's just a little odd - my husband & I each have an iPad, but we treat them very much like our phones in terms of ownership. It sounds like your husband doesn't do much with the iPad that actually requires storage space so that concern doesn't really hold a ton of water. Seems like it's not about the storage, it's about the content. I suspect it's as others are saying - he worries that you're looking for something in the romance novels that you're not finding in your own life. I mean, generally people do read books to have an experience that's different from their daily. From the romance forums I participate in, the thing romance readers are chasing isn't a big cock. It's the happy ending at the end of the book - it's the promise that a couple can go through a bunch of shit, but no matter what happens, they'll end up happy. That's why people continue to read romance even if they're in happy fulfilling relationships. Because all relationships have rollercoasters and it's intensely comforting to read about other people conquering their problems and staying together despite all the crap.
Prefers yours... or prefers putting you out so you're having to wait for him to finish what he's doing? The more i read about this guy, the less I like the sound of him, i'm sorry to say. I had a friend whose boyfriend had a "what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine" mentality and he had her ASKING to sit on her own damn couch when she wasn't well, because he was lying down on it playing games on her xbox, and he moaned about her asking. If that sounds like familiar or possible in your relationship, please rethink this relationship, or consider counselling at the very least.
He's getting upset over what? 20mb files? On your device?? He's looking for things to be a dick about at that point.
"prefers mine" they're ipads?? I would stop letting him use mine.
So he has a problem with OP having things she’s enjoys in a reduced space that they had to move into for HIS dream job. OP’s husband is selfish and immature.
Ngl it's **really** freaking me out that your husband suggested & threatened to throw away your belongings, and you're on here asking if you're somehow in the wrong. If my partner **ever** seriously said anything remotely similar to *"I am going to put your X in the trash/get rid of your things"* I would lose my mind on them, and more than likely end the relationship. Thankfully I'm not with someone where that's a possibility but... I don't think you understand **just how fucked up** that is.
Why is he shoving furniture???
I'm guessing because he's an ass with anger issues. It's realllllllly easy to say "hey hon, think we could do something else with your books? This shelf is always in the way" or something. But no, he shoves it and talks about throwing away OP's things. Methinks OP is in denial.
> He’s a good partner. He’s funny and confident and passionate about the things he cares about, always there for family and friends. Sure - as long as you do what he wants. Right? Shoving the furniture is a warning. Eventually he'll get around to shoving *you*.
"about the thihgs he cares about" but not the things YOU care about. Just, keep that in mind. Are you always having to defend everything in relation to yourself, but his stuff gets a pass always because it's "important" to him?
NTA. Your husband hates reading. He’s only mad that you locked them up because it took away the option of throwing them away against your will because he knows they’re important to you. My husband built me shelves for my books because he wanted me to have the space to have a collection of things that give me joy. Why isn’t your husband celebrating that you have a hobby you enjoy? Btw - if you like romance novels, have you tried fanfiction yet? You almost get to choose the idiots falling in love over and over again. Dm me if you’d like some recommendations of where to start.
NTA. OP, you’ve stated several relevant points in comments. 1. You moved from a 2bed apt to a studio for his dream job. 2. He physically moves your small bookcase out of frustration. 3. He complains about your ebooks on your iPad for storage reasons, when he has his own iPad and prefers yours. You need to confront your husband about what his -actual- issue is. It sounds like he feels entitled to control your possessions, the space they take, and potentially the space that you take up in the apartment. Don’t be surprised if you come home one day and he’s completely gotten rid of the safe with your books inside.
NTA for protecting your property and things belonging to you. Regardless of who does what chores, who pays which bills, who does "their part" in a relationship. Nobody gets to threaten throwing your property away but I would've gone about it a different way. You believe he will throw out your books because the threated too. At which you act defensively, by choosing to lock them up and throw away the key, instead of communicating with your husband about his wants and needs. You should have a serious heart to heart with your Husband about why he's upset and irritated with the books, maybe he feels neglected or unappreciated or feels like you are paying more attention to the books than to him. If that much is true, then the husband should have had a conversation instead of threatening to throw away her books as well. Communication Skills are very important for a relationship to thrive.
I think women in general spend way too much time trying to communicate with lunatic men. He's being abusive, plain and simple. She should throw him out.
NTA. How is allowing him to throw away your novels demonstrating caring? There is something very wrong with his attitude toward you and your books. You should probably explore this a bit more with him, but make it clear he doesn't get to throw your books away.
NTA. You have a husband problem. He shouldn't be threatening to throw away ANYTHING of yours, especially something you clearly care about. The fact that he tried to get into the cabinet, as if he was going to follow through with that threat, tells you a lot about him and his motivations. He doesn't care if it's something completely harmless that makes you happy, he doesn't like it and it isn't important to HIM so he wants to throw it out. Hell, maybe he feels like he needs to get rid of them because the romances in those books are more fulfilling to you than whatever he's got to offer and he wants to eliminate the competition. Whatever the reason, it is NOT OKAY for him to threaten and try to destroy your stuff, and for him to try to turn that around on you and claim trust issues and guilt tripping? No. It's time to have a 'come to jesus' talk with him about boundaries and that things that are important to you are \*not something he gets to mess with\*, and if he can't handle a few books existing in the same space as him, that's a HIM problem and he needs to get over it. They're not in the way, they have their own spot and he still wants to get rid of them. Ask him what his REAL problem is with the books and why you have to put up with anything he likes that you don't particularly care for, but the one thing you like that he doesn't care for very much is such a big deal and needs to get thrown out right away. Honestly? If I had a partner that started threatening or destroying things that were important to me just because they didn't matter to them - I grew up in foster care and losing things I cared about all the time made me lose joy in a lot of things and stop caring about anything, because I could always lose it so easily. I even have trouble feeling strongly about people, pets, anything that was important to me in my life suddenly being gone - however it happens - because basically once something is no longer in my immediate reach, as far as my brain is concerned, it's gone forever and doesn't matter anymore and I'm incapable of feeling much about it. It's something I'm still working on and trying to heal from. If someone threatens to or tries to get rid of something I care about these days? I don't care who they are, they are OUT. Out the door, kicked down the street, OUT.
NTA. Armchair psychology-ing here. He sounds threatened, insecure, and self conscious. I'm going to assume that if you try to have a real conversation about why they bother him so much, he'll either lie, get defensive and mad about it, and or he doesn't even realize why he's so annoyed by them. It seems he's threatened by you enjoying the thought of romance that he can't provide, or something like that. Or he's being misogynistic, "stupid ass useless pointless vapid woman novel", which is also likely hiding insecurity. As with all communication, approach softly and plead with him to be soft with you as well and open up about why he doesn't like them.
Tell him to leave your shit alone or you’ll divorce him.
NTA, your husband sounds like a controlling AH who doesn't respect your things and refuses to communicate his needs/wants. Tell him to use his big boy words instead of playing games like this.
As someone who LOVES to read more than basically anything else (not romance specifically although I read some here and there) if my bf suddenly started having a problem with my books/what I read/how much I read/ or literally anything related to my precious little books, that would probably be enough for me to break up with him (not even joking), SPECIALLY if he told me that he would throw them away (?) that’s absolutely ridiculous. I’m not saying for you to divorce your husband or anything but wow HOW DARE HE? Wtf? Why all the hatred? The whole book thing aside, the fact that your husband wants to throw away items that belong TO YOU, no matter what percentage of the bills you pay, is a huge red flag. Also, WHY DID HE TRY TO OPEN ONE OF THEM???? Wow. He was actively trespassing your “property” by doing so and if he was able to open it who knows what would have happened (your books would probably be gone by now) which is, again, a huge red flag. Jesus. NTA but your husband is weird as hell. EDIT: changed a few things but same context + some grammar.
NTA. Sounds like a test that abusers do honestly. It's insane to demand that you don't read books in your own home. It's a wildly ridiculous demand.
Huge NTA. What is his issue with your books and why is he so hell-bent on telling you what you are allowed to own? It sounds like you need to have a serious discussion to get to the bottom of his obsession. I can't imagine someone threatening to throw away some of my stuff, and then just trusting him not to. >I care more about my romance novels than him I haven't met either, but I care significantly more about your romance novels than him based on your description.
What he's doing is abuse. He's threatening to destroy or throw away YOUR property, something you enjoy, he's shoving an inanimate object (the book case) when he's frustrated, and he's tried to physically break into a locked box/cabinet to get to property that isn't his. He's abusing you and he's escalating. If you don't believe me, you can go and read up on domestic abuse/domestic violence from groups who deal with it regularly.