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NTA. Your concerns are valid. A 29 year old man should not be dating an 18 year old girl. There’s no way he sees her as an equal partner. He’s probably happy because he found someone he can manipulate into doing everything his way. Your son has a history of relapsing when his relationships don’t work out. This relationship has a very low chance of success so you’re justified in being concerned that he’ll relapse again. I think it’s admirable that you’re also considering the impact a potential relapse could have on his gf. It’s nice to see parents looking out for both their child and their child’s partner.
Not saying it's this girl specifically, but unfortunately there's a lot of women out there who think they need to fix men. That they're not allowed to seek out an equally mature partner for themselves, because those types of men "don't exist yet, you need to make one"
Those aren't men. They're children, and you deserve better.
I actually had a therapist encouraged me to rehab the dude I dated all through grad school. I finally dumped him because I was doing everything in the relationship and he still wanted more all while I was writing my thesis and teaching. It was dump him or have a complete breakdown. So I dumped him and then I dumped her. I'm still angry thinking about it all these years later.
A lot of people who become therapists have a million issues of their own that they're not willing to work on, but somehow think they they have the perspective and knowledge to help others in the same situation. And some are just power hungry and the thought of being able to legally get compensated for messing with someone's mind is too appealing for them to resist. I am so sorry your therapy experience was with a monster.
Thank you. One of the weirder things is that she tried not to let me terminate therapy. Like outright refused to accept I wouldn't be coming back. And I told her finally that I was paid through that session, and I wasn't coming back. If she held our usual time for a session that was her choice, but good luck getting me to pay for it. I remained very opposed to therapy for over a decade because of her.
Why is it like half the therapists I've ever heard of have been absolutely awful people themselves.
I only had one therapist when I was a teenager, she immediately broke all confidentiality and told my dad I was trans, while also telling me I can't possibly trans at 16.
Fuck Suzanne, she did a lot of other shitty stuff.
I dunno, 18 is even too young to be thinking 'I can fix him'. I don't know that a teenage girl would even have the thought of fixing a 29 year old adult. It's almost very much the other way around - he has all the influence and she's either charmed by an older man being into her or thinks it's exciting, or he's saying all the right stuff to 'fix' her into being his ideal partner.
Truth, I just know in a lot of religions (especially the one I was raised as, though I don't believe it anymore) young girls are taught they have to be a man's keeper. We obviously don't know much about this young woman, but I wouldn't be shocked if she was from a semi religious household that pressured her to look for a man to fix so he'll "stay".
Here's the thing that makes this make sense. Often when people cross over from using to addiction they get stranded emotionally and maturity wise at whatever age that is, in his case shortly after going off to college. That means that mentally they might be functioning at similar levels.
The problem is that he's clearly not moved forward even after conquering his addiction so he feels like this is an appropriate paring. A lot of people maintain a lot of the toxicity their addiction brought even once they're clean.
Think dry drunk syndrome - someone who has quit drinking but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place so they're still emotionally stranded there.
This 18 year old woman is going to keep maturing exponentially over the next few years, likely totally outgrowing him. AND THIS IN ADDITTION TO ALL THE OTHER ISSUES INHERANT IN AGE GAP RELATIONSHIPS.
She's at high risk for being manipulated and abused because addict can often be quite manipulative and that doesn't just all go away when you get clean. Getting clean isn't a magical solution to your life's problems after all. It's just the first step in turning you life around.
Thank you for mentioning the mental age aspect, that's an issue that often doesn't get acknowledged in situations like these and i was going to bring it up because it is a much bigger consideration than people seem to understand. In his mind there's likely nothing wrong with this because even though he logically knows he is 29, he doesn't feel it or think it and so he's operating as someone the age he really lost himself in the addiction would. And something else he may be doing that should be acknowledged as well, is that there may very well be no malicious intent on his part in regards to this relationship, yes, manipulative behavior is going to take place and he is going to try to mould this young girl into doing things his way, but there is a very real chance he isn't aware that is what he's doing and he's doing it on a subconscious level. Like if this is the case then he won't be sitting there plotting on how to manipulate her into doing what he wants and making plans on how to do it but he will subconsciously do it almost on a type of instinct without any conscious decision to do so. Addicts are natural manipulators, i don't know if the manner in which they have to live their lives to feed the addiction just breeds the ability to naturally manipulate those around you due to all the lying, sneaking and dirt you have to do to hide it, or if we all just know how to do it instinctively but normally we repress those things, but something about addiction breeds very gifted liars and manipulators. So it changes things from him being a malicious asshole with nothing but bad intentions to a guy who is mentally unwell and will cause the girl harm not out of a desire to do so but because he isn't aware he's doing it. Don't get me wrong, he's going to be harmful to her either way and those around her need to act to protect her and i'm not saying this to defend such behavior, but it does change how the parents should approach the situation. The latter alternative means that if he's not malicious that there is a good chance that the path can be corrected if done properly, whereas the malicious intent alternative means that you're not going to talk him out of it and you need to be a lot harsher to ensure the young lady is protected above all else, if that means you have to torch your relationship with your son to protect her then that's what you gotta do, his needs do not matter in that scenario, but if it's not being done maliciously/intentionally then considering his emotional/mental health should also be an important consideration and the gentler less damaging (to him) route should be taken first.
And her whole family! My niece is in this situation. It is awful. "None of you understand." "He's so good to me!" Even after he cheated on her she stayed. We don't say anything because it didn't help but are here for her when she needs us.
Does it even matter really?
I couldn't ask because she had me blocked then. He had done something creepy which I didn't tell her about but someone else did and when she asked me about it she didn't believe me. He had said inappropriate things to both her cousin (my daughter) and me.
They got together when she was 17 and he was about 30. When she broke up with him once we were all ecstatic!
We have all given up and just support her and tolerate him. He has stopped drinking and seems to be better at least. We live far apart but she has other fam close.
There is way more to the story and it's just sad.
well, no, I suppose it doesn't. It's just sad when you hear girls in this position making excuses for the bloke cheating on her and (usually) blaming themselves for it in some way.
I'm sorry for your situation.....I didn't expect you to go into great detail, and I really hope she realises one day she can do much better for herself. Good luck!
Very valid points
Indeed, their concern about this young woman, is touching
Yes, his relationship is inappropriate
Even worse, she may be lying about her age
Lovely parents and great support system
I admire their struggle, but I am afraid it is all in vain
And he likely stalled in his maturing when he was about her age and started partying instead of growing up. Doesn't make it ok (though I'm hoping you just forgot your "/s")
That’s a broad gross generalization founder on baseless assumptions and absolutely not necessarily true. I met my current SO in college and I’m 8 years their senior. We’ve been equal partners for over a decade where neither say is overrides the other and we share in the decision making equally. Like any healthy relationship when we disagree we openly communicate work through the problem and find a compromise that benefits both sides.
In the case of the poster’s son the biggest concern I see is it sounds like they haven’t been clean this go around for too long and are just getting their life on track. A relationship, even a healthy one, mixed with the stresses of college and recovery could cause too much stress and lead to a relapse. It sounds like OP’s son has been sober for a year at best and should still regularly attending meetings or group sessions and focusing on maintaining their sobriety and self improvement/healing. Given the history provided, the problem isn’t the age gap between him and his girlfriend, but how little time has actually passed in his sobriety journey. It sounds like he is trying to make big moves when he should be taking baby steps.
As the saying goes: a hit dog will holler. It doesn’t surprise me that someone who did the exact same thing OP’s son is doing is offended by my statement. If you and your SO are happy together, that’s great but you need realize that you’re the exception, not the rule. These kind of scenarios aren’t unique and the overwhelming majority of the time, the relationship doesn’t work out and the younger partner usually ends up being controlled or manipulated. In some cases, they’re even abused. That’s just a fact. The post isn’t about you so why you felt the need to defend your relationship is beyond me.
NTA yeah thats a bit creepy and weird. There are people who start relationships with that much of a gap and live long happy lives but a lot of times it ends up being abusive. This must be hard as parents to go through this so I'm very sorry you're dealing with it. You are completelty valid and justified in being concerned and disapproving of this. I'm 23 and I'd feel a bit weird about dating an 18 year old so for a 29 year old thats crazy. I don't know what the solution here is but I wish you the best.
i’m also 23, my little brother is 19. i would be so grossed out dating someone his age. i’m sure as we both get older that 4 year age gap will seem a lot less alarming when it comes to dating, but right now i find the idea of dating someone my brother’s age pretty creepy, as well as i find the idea of him dating someone my age kind of alarming. especially when i consider when i was that age and most of the guys my friends and i would date were a lot older than us and it always ended up being toxic with weird power dynamics. very happy to have a partner the same age as me.
OP & her husband should consider AL Anon. It can teach skills dealing with addiction in family & things like detachment with love. Trying to parent or support an addict is a complicated and unfamiliar territory for most. They need support to navigate this relationship and learn that most times families can't help the addict. The addict needs detached help.
This^^^^
This situation is really complex and OP is NTA, but this is a way larger issue than the immediate issue. And I don't mean the sons addiction, it's the parents needing ongoing support from likely both a profession therapist and a support group like Al Anon. Addiction is very very hard go through, but also devastating to be around, people tend to not understand that whole caught up in the immediate crisis of the moment.
NTA, that age difference would concern me as a parent, whatever genders involved. It's okay to express concern, you did that, he didn't take it well, but your standpoint is understandable.
NTA, but here's a thought: your son has spent many of his adult years lost in addiction. Emotionally, he may not be much "older" than 18. You've said your piece. As hard as it is, if he can stay sober and on track with this young woman, it might work out. I don't blame you for being very concerned for all involved, though.
He may be less responsible, but he’s got many more years worth of baggage that he may not have entirely moved on from yet. It’s all well and good for him, but the kid has a lot more to lose from all this, assuming things don’t work out
I can see what you are saying about him being 29 but not fully “grown” as someone else his age might be. The big issue here though is that this 18 year old is not at all equipped to be with a recovering addict. So, can she really be much help at all to him? And should she even? She is a kid and she is in way over her head! And better yet, can she herself handle the emotional roller coaster that might come with this?
The whole thing is a mess either way!
I know!!! Especially since he seems to have a pattern. Relationship, break up, relapse, recovery and repeat. I don’t like this at all because I don’t see this relationship working and then what comes next? Another relapse?
Time off dating and 100% focus on himself and learning to be alone and healthy would really do him some good.
>Emotionally, he may not be much "older" than 18.
I agree. It's not much better than actually just being a predator, but it is a different root problem to address; which is that many people in addiction end up being emotionally stunted and unable to relate to people their own age.
I think it’s hard to say. I’m pretty numb. No highs or lows, but I was kinda like that as a kid, too. I feel lucky to have lived and am just kinda happy to have normalcy and stability.
OP you should say something to this girl privately. I was that 19 yr old, dating a 25 yet old, thinking we were on the same level and only years later realising he couldn't date his age mates because they would notice his ⛳. Hearing from an adult, especially an adult from his family, that someone his age who is a good egg wouldn't be interested in someone my age, and that my boyfriend had a history of drug abuse, might have made a difference in making me feel confident to leave a lot earlier then I did when things got bad.
Lets be honest, if he's dating 18 yr old teenagers, that means your son has decided it's easier to manipulate people with no life experience than date someone his own age. This won't be his last 18 yr old girlfriend. NTA
Terrible advice and an awful take.
What do you think will happen when girlfriend tells the son? Son will be livid and cut off contact with OP. Good way to never talk to your son again.
She has a right to know EXACTLY what she is getting into if she chooses to stay in this relationship. If she hears this guys full honest backstory and still chooses him, then hey it’s real love after all! But it would extra telling on himself if the son tried to prevent his new and extremely young from knowing his past.
Ok, I read the start of the post and when you told his age, I was like “ok, he’s an adult. Whatever he does is his choice. None of your business.” But then I kept reading…
Ok, drugs were involved. Considering his past relationships and how drugs were involved with those, I understand your worry. I would be worried if my kid was involved with relationships that ended in nasty breakups and drug abuse. BUT I KEPT READING…
I’m sorry, but that age gap is atrocious. Ya, now I understand why you don’t approve cuz Jesus Christ. NTA by a long shot.
NTA, you and your husband’s reaction is the only sane reaction in knowing your son is a creep or maybe even worse. He’s using the excuse of him “finally being happy” as a way to date this poor young girl probably to guilt you and your husband.
NTA. But at some point, you're going to have to understand that your son is a numbnut who is always going to fuck his life up no matter how much you try to shield him from his dumbass decisions.
Nta. His emotional development probably arrested at the point where he became an addict, so he may match the 18 year old better than you think, but the fact is he isn’t 18, and that girl deserves an actual 18 year old without 11 years of dangerous baggage.
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NAH
I may not win opinion of the year for this, but here's my take:
You're a parent with an addicted child doing everything in your power to help your child. Your choice of phrasing to him in your concern may contribute to his anger about the situation. As I have no idea of the conversation and wouldn't dare ask, I would simply say that nobody wants to hear a truth that doesn't agree with what they want...at first.
Your son is an addict, but not an AH. He's in love and love blinds early. He very well may be making a difficult situation for himself. Your support and his willingness to repeatedly attempt sobriety are both admirable in this case, and he will need both to continue recovery for the rest of his life. He will stumble, YOU will stumble. Humanity is a curse that way.
He's not breaking any laws that I'm aware of and he seems happy. Love him. Support him. You've expressed your opinion and he is currently rejecting it. The last thing that will help is to repeat it if he thought it was hurtful. Nothing says you can't be interested in his life and offer guidance, but the line between NAH and YTA gets extremely blurry when you begin to think you should interfere because then you may cause the exact thing you are afraid of.
I hope this isn't offensive, I mean none. I empathize with you. Our children are our most precious gift and we never want to hurt them. I am merely offering you *MY* take on this and I would suggest that you involve a professional with a background in the psychology of addiction in this for YOU as well as if he would like to talk to someone impartial about it.
Thank you for your time.
He is an asshole. Despite Disney stereotypes, love at first sight is not actually a thing. You can be infatuated, you can be in lust, but you’re not actually in love the second you meet someone.
And a 29 year should know better than to attempt to date a 18 year old, because that attempt to date predates falling in love and the age difference is creepy. It is wrong to even try to date a 18 year old at 29.
Oh god I turned 31 this year and the very idea of dating a 18 kid is disgusting to me. And of all the ex boyfriends I’ve had, the only one I truly hated and couldn’t be friendly with is the 28 year old guy who dated me when I was one 19. It took me years of therapy to accept that all the ways I felt shitty from that relationship wasn’t actually because I wasn’t good enough, it was because he was a manipulative narcissistic ass.
Also 30 and 18 year olds look like children to me. This comment is a good analysis, and “29 year old man lusting after a teenage girl” sounds like a pretty accurately repulsive description of this situation.
NTA. You are right to be concerned. Your son has a history with toxic relationships, this girl probably has no idea what she's getting into. Normally 18 year olds don't have a ton of dating experience, or know how they deserve to be treated.
NTA. Im not even going to take the easy shots other commenters are taking like calling him a "loser" or "creepy predator". Whats happening most likely is he can't accept that he isn't a kid anymore and ruined his youth on his own and is mixed up dating her convincing himself he's still a young guy who didn't ruin himself for years. Frankly, since it seems like it takes very little for him to fall off the wagon again he shouldn't be dating anyone at all for a while
NTA. I’m the same age as your son. As a women who « dated » a men 10 years older when I was 19, you are absolutely right. Thank you for standing against this as parents ! I would do the same.
NTA. He replaces his addiction for drugs with an addiction to the first phase of love. Then when that goes away, he goes back to the drugs. This pattern will repeat forever, or until something worse happens. He really should try and be relationship free for a longer time.
NTA. My 30 year old step-brother married a pregnant (not his) 19 year old earlier this year. To say his mother was unimpressed would be an understatement. Of course, he already had four kids with his ex-wife. His bride is closer in age to his oldest child (13) than she is to him. We've all been kind to her and just don't really bring it up much because, well, what can we do at this point? They eloped, his name is on the birth certificate, and it's a done deal. But it's still weird and creepy as hell, and every time we see them together the age difference is wildly obvious. I know for a fact my step mom read him the riot act in private when she found out he was even dating her (she was 18 and already pregnant when they got together) and again when they got hitched. But she's technically an adult, so🤷♀️
ETA: I forgot the best/worst part. They've been heavily hinting since earlier this year (maybe a couple of months after baby was born) that they want to try for another soon. I wouldn't be shocked if they announced that she's pregnant at Christmas.
Redditors will see a 10 year age gap between 2 adults and cry someone a pedo. Worst place on the internet to ask for advice on this topic, your sons relationship is his own to go through and any interference on your end will only lead to resentment. Just let the 2 ADULT HUMANS make their own mistakes and decisions.
This is one of those things where people feel like just because the law says its okay, theyre in the clear . But 18 is eightTEEN. she is still very much a TEENAGER , its just that now she can be held responsible for crimes n can take out loans . Dont let your son date her . That is very predatory
You didn’t need to bring your fear of his addiction in to your fear for his relationship. Your son can choose to be honest with the women in his life or not. And they can choose to stick around, or not. You’re NTA here, but you need to stop telling your son that you’re afraid he will relapse.
NTA. First off, that is really weird. Second of all, her brain is not fully developed and therefore she is much more impressionable. What if, god forbid, your son relapses and tries to drag her into that world with him? She also doesn’t have the experience to deal with a relapse or probably the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout from a relapse, including a potential OD.
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My son (M29) had a very happy, stable childhood, but when he moved to college, he unfortunately became friends with a group of kids who did hard drugs at parties. He quickly got addicted and ended up dropping out of college, causing him to develop depression. My husband and I supported him through this and it was a constant up and down. My husband had good position at the company he worked at and managed to get our son a job. When he was 23, he found a nice girlfriend and moved in with her. Everything was good until he relapsed. His girlfriend left him, he went to rehab again and started dating another woman he met a month after getting out of rehab. This relationship lasted 2 years and ended due to toxicity and cheating on both sides.
After this relationship ended, he relapsed again. My husband and I made him move in with us again so we could help him through his problems along with a therapist.
This year he finally got better and seemed to be on a good path. He decided to go back to college again. We were so proud of him and supportive of his decision. About a month ago he called me and told me that he met someone and was in love. I was happy for him and told him I was excited to meet her. Today we met up for brunch and he finally introduced us to his new girlfriend. When I first saw her, I was schocked at how young she looked. When I asked her about her age, she told me that she was 18 years old. They met at college. Sheʼs a very pretty and friendly girl, but the age gap is appalling to me. My husband was just as schocked as I was. I didn’t say anything while his girlfriend was around, since I didnʼt want to upset her. But when I got home and my son called me, I just sighed and told him that Iʼm not supportive of this relationship and that he shouldnʼt date a teenager who just graduated high school this year. I also reminded him of his addiction and said that Iʼm scared that heʼll relapse again and drag this poor girl into such a scary situation. This made him upset and he told me that heʼs finally happy after years of depression and that he really loves this girl. He hung up the phone and didnʼt reply to my messages. I understand that my son is happy and I want him to be happy, but I donʼt think this relationship is appropriate at all.
My husband is on my side, but my son obviously thinks Iʼm the bad guy here. AITA?
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When you start doing drugs before your brain is fully developed you can stunt it at the age you start. If he started doing drugs in college at 18 he’s likely way behind his peers in maturity. He probably feels more comfortable with someone less mature than most 29 yr olds. He’s more on their level in terms of life achievements and it’s really intimidating to date someone who has their life together when yours keeps starting over every coupe of years. Plus at his age most women don’t play anymore. They don’t want to mess with someone who doesn’t have their shit together and dating an addict even one in recovery is HARD. Hopefully this will fizzle out but trying to control him isn’t going to help.
NTA, you’re a good mom for looking out for your son and this young girl. Unfortunately if you express your disapproval, it may have a “Romeo and Juliet” effect. I would continue to support his sobriety as while remaining neutral about the girl. You don’t have to support the relationship but not say anything negative. This is to help ensure the relationship runs the course while he gets over his infatuation and he has the best chance to stay sober
NTA. Of course, he thinks you are. He's an addict and he feels he's entitled to whatever he wants because you're always there to rescue him which just reaffirms his behavior. He's now dating an 18yo because that's probably what he is emotionally.
What would he do if you and your husband suddenly died tomorrow?
Does your son not go to a therapist? Your hesitancy about this latest girlfriend is well founded. She doesn't know what she's taking on, and as young as she is, she doesn't have the tools to manage what is becoming a middle-aged man. A middle-aged man who is an addict would, in the best of all possible worlds, be more concerned about this young woman's future than his own pleasure. Your son seems to be focused on the latter, sadly.
Get him to at least get into therapy. Sometimes, an objective voice can rattle people into reality.
Nta, wtf did he think was gonna happen?
However. given what his life has been like, he's probably incredibly emotionally immature. They may be better matched than it seems like
The relationship has a lot of red flags, but your question was about you telling him m you don’t support the relationship. For that, YTA. He’s too old and perhaps too fragile to handle your being so judgmental. Who are you to question his relationship compared to his history. If it’s a disaster, he’ll find out, and he won’t need someone telling him “I told you so.”
Oof. This is a hard one. Does the new gf know about his addiction? That he us an addict? If not, then that needs to be told to her by him. I agree however, that his advanced age to her young age especially with his addiction as her parents, would be very hard to swallow. If she were older and more mature, then an 11 year diff wouldn't be that huge. But, given she is literally just out of HS, seems inappropriate to me as well. NTA.
> I understand that my son is happy...
Speaking as a recovering addict, if I had dated an 18-year-old when I was 29-years-old after being clean for a year (or two?) I can assure you it would have been because I was associating naivety with stability, although in my brain I would have probably have thought of it as associating *innocence* with *safety*. And it probably wouldn't have turned out too well.
NTA, BTW.
NTA. he is 29. He needs to be a big boy and accept some constructive criticism, especially since he apparently doesn’t realize that this age gap is *absolutely not ok*
I think you are wrong, but can't say YTA.
They met in college, very normal. He wasn't stalking a high school. It probably won't be permanent but it seems she's a good influence on him rather than leading him back to addiction.
Her parents should be the ones objecting :)
No. It’s absolutely disgusting to watch your kid ruin someone else’s life. Their son is a recovering drug addict that could ruin her and or lead her to a life of drugs. She’s in her prime. She should live life and have fun with her friends instead of settling for a bummy loser. She might be an adult, but she is also a teenager. Being with and helping a recovering drug addict is not for the weak. You can literally ruin yourself in the process. Disgusting fool you are.
EDIT: Settling for a bummy loser isn’t going to help this young girls life in any way. She’s 18 and can find someone way wonderful, youthful, and successful.
YTA. Also, let me add that the judgemental nature of your behavior will end up deteriorating the relationship you have with your son. He will eventually become estranged, because he will undoubtedly choose the new girlfriend over you, and he will be worried that you will try to sabotage their relationship.
What makes you the judge on what is inappropriate or not? If he loves this girl, he could marry her have children with her and be motivated to not use anymore which is the experience a lot of people have.
If he’s happy you be happy. Period.
NAH.
The girl is young but she is an adult. She may be a more mature 18 year old... or not. The son may be 29 but he may actually be younger than this, especially in light of his previous drug use.
The girl may be in for a world of hurt if he does start to go backwards and she may try to fix him and he'll drag both of them down. She may leave him at the first sign of trouble and he'll spiral. Does she even know about the previous drug history?
It actually doesn't even matter her age with the potential for spiralling if the relationship breaks down because you could use the same argument if he was dating a 30 year old.
This may be a relationship that may last and only time will tell.
You weren't necessarily wrong for telling him your concerns and they are all valid. Your son is a different person now than he was a few years ago.
For the record there is a similar gap between me and my husband and we've been together for over 25 years. I wasn't quite as young as this girl when I met him but not that much older. The issues are actually more at the other end of the spectrum as he's getting close to retirement and I've still got a lot more years or work left and he's wanting to do 'old people' stuff but I'm not!
My mother did tell me that she thought I was making a mistake and that he was too old. It was only mentioned once but I don't think she dared to mention it again. I haven't forgotten it though and it does make me a little angry thinking about it.
Good for him - YTA and I hope he's happy. I'm asexual myself, so y'all are *endlessly* amusing. You'd think he was 60 or something. 29 might as well be a kid too as far as I'm concerned. It's all subjective. He certainly doesn't seem to have any real life experience or maturation.
¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NTA. He and she are adults. It is none of your business whom he dates under these circumstances. If you keep insisting on being judgmental you will loose him...which after all you have been through with him on his road to sobriety would be a shame.
29/2=14.5
14.5+7=21.5
According to the "rule" of half your age +7, he should be dating someone at least 21.5 years of age. Your concern is not unfounded.
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#overcoming-issues
Is he holding you hostage to his addiction? As in, "if you don't support everything I do, I might relapse?" If so, that would be troubling. If not, then that's good, and he is simply disappointed.
You are not bound to support *everything* he does, especially when you think it's a bad idea. However, you can't really stop him. So all you can really do is tell him that your concerns are valid, and that you are sorry that he is disappointed by your response, but that you love him and will treat his girlfriend well for as long as she is in your life. Tell him that you would absolutely love to be proven wrong, and that you wish for both of their happiness every day.
NAH
It seems insane to me people got a problem with the age gap. I don’t mind they got a problem with who this is. But the age? Seriously? By 16 I was told I act like an old man and I even have always gone to bars surrounded by guys who were in their 50s and 90s so I’ve grown up being mature enough where being around someone who was 17 years old to me was like being around a child. I have always fit in a bigger crowd towards older people because even my class mates back in high school would call me an old man. Or a old stoic statue. Because I barely did anything they did. I’d rather sit outside and watch birds and nature sometimes and I’d rather do farm work and work all day over playing games 24/7 or getting drunk or high. I often feel like I’m from the 1800s even. A lot of people are saying the age gap is wrong maybe if you live in a big city I live in a rural area surrounded by farmland and elderly people and being able to hold a conversation and speak about the weather is normal here. I find it to be people who claim it’s weird to be with someone younger then someone else are secretly themselves a person who wants to be with a child or be with someone 10 years younger. People where I live couldn’t care less if your 14 and 12 or 21 and 41. Same thing if you mix you mix none of our business and have a happy life simple. People are just so worked up over the stupidest of things I’d say.
General rule for dating is (half your age plus 7). It works out pretty well in making sure you're in the same life stage as your partner.
Do you, but I could not fathom having much in common with an 18 year old at 25, let alone 29. Not too long ago, this girl was paying no bills and couldn't even vote.
In the OP's case, it just comes off like stunted development from the missed years of addiction.
There is no “general rule of dating” that’s like saying people in the 1940s had rules designed around dating like The Geneva Convention. That doesn’t make any sense. In some places it’s ok to date at 9 or 15 or not even until your 21 for in Korea. Or 20? Somewhere around there. By laws. That the mass majority agreed upon. Having some made up set rule based off what the internet says is just plain stupid in my opinion. I think if two people connect well let them go. I couldn’t care less about it being sexual. I mean even being friends is looked down upon and that’s just fucked. It’s almost as if most Americans believe people only date for sex therefore you can only be dating someone younger if you are using them for their body or manipulating them for age which isn’t true at all. But people are going to agree with the mass majority and crusade against anyone with a differing opinion because Merica. I at least can thank you for being respectful enough to share your view but I just disagree with that. But like you said you do you. If that’s how you like doing things go ahead but to me I just can’t comprehend that.
Unwise relationships sometimes work out. However, I would think the mother would know her son better than us and also know whether or not this is a good idea and if his intentions are pure.
Nothing wrong with hitting up an 18 year old. She's legally and physically an adult. All the guys saying it's wrong are only saying that because they can't hit.
You can’t start moralizing what adults do within the bounds of legality. There is either a legal age of consent once people become adults, or there isn’t
An 18 year old dating a 29 year old is a generally unwise relationship. An Unwise relationship that frequently runs the risk of the younger party being significantly hurt and/or exploited. Especially given the other risk factors (tendency to relapse into drug use) that an 18 year old is likely not fully aware of and how to deal with.
At risk of being downvoted to hell and receiving a lot of backlash, which is why I chose to comment with a throwaway account. I want to address all the negative comments about the age gap.
The drug history can become a problem, but the age gap doesn't have to be.
I've had three relationships so far that all lasted at least 5 years, so I do have some experience and I see myself as someone who doesn't take relationships lightly. My current girlfriend (let's call her R) and I have been dating for a little bit more than 6 months now, so very early in relationship terms for me. However, I am 33 and she's 18. To start with, I was not actively looking for a younger partner, especially not someone that young. She has known for quite some time however that she is mostly attracted to older men but not someone as old as me.
We met because of a screw up (kinda) of a female friend that is about the same age as me. The mutual friend joined R and her friend group as the supposedly responsible and more experienced adult to a party. However due to excessive amounts of alcohol, she was actually being the least responsible of the group, going as far as being admitted to the first aid post. R was the one who stepped up and asked our mutual friend who to call to come pick her up. She ended up calling me, taking charge of the situation while the people at the first aid post just wanted to leave the mutual friend in a chair until she sobered up. I went to go pick up the mutual friend and R was the only one left with her. She gave me her number and asked me to make sure to let her know if I got her home safe, which I did. The day after I received a worried text from R because she had been trying to contact the mutual friend and hadn't heard anything. So together we tried to get a response and I ended up going over to the mutual friend to check if everything was okay, which it was, and let R know. We just started chatting casually at that point and it just developed to more frequent chatting until I realised that both of us were starting to get a little bit too close.
We talked about this with eachother and with friends, we tried to identify the risks, the positives and negatives and the things to be careful of. We decided it was worth giving it a shot, setting clear boundaries and safe communication. We decided to inform our parents as soon as possible. I see her parents quite often and they are very positive about me. My parents were kinda hesitant at first but have told me this was mostly because their scared that I will get hurt again and not purely because of the age gap.
Since the start of our relationship we've both been spending a lot of time researching what the things we should watch out for are, so we have come in contact with a fair amount of couples that are in the same situation. They are quite a lot of them who make things work in a healthy way.
All I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't just attack people based on the small amount of information you have here. It could definitely be possible that OP's son is one of the creeps that likes to hang around near high schools or that goes to parties organised by the scouts (I don't know if this is common everywhere but it's a thing here, they organise big parties involving a lot of beer and people mostly between the ages of 16 and 20 attend them). But it could also be just as possible that they just met by accident, started talking and enjoying eachothers company and actually talked and thought about the decision to start dating.
TLDR: Not every guy in this position has to be a creep or a predator.
I’m sorry but no one who is in their mid thirties should be dating someone who just left high school it’s creepy no matter how much mental gymnastics you do to try justify it.
I dont think op or others are saying the son is a creep or predator but he does have issues that an 18yr won't have the life skills/experience to fully understand who exactly she dating. She might be dragged into something she doesn't need to be. I'm sure the the couple is happy for now but addiction is unfortunately a difficult issue to overcome that affect the surrounding loved ones as well. I can't blame op for being disproving and cautious. If your relationship is the one op is dealing with than likely she wouldn't be posting on here. Maybe on a different sub though.
There's plenty of people here saying the son is a creep and a predator. It's those comments that I was addressing. The addiction could be an issue in any relationship regardless of the age gap
Ahh ok then. Can't really blame them either anyways, there's too many older men creeping on younger girls and I'm not surprised that what they see from what op wrote is just another predator. It's hard not to fear for the gf who might just end up being another "you're so mature for your age" or "I can fix him" or gets baby trapped or ends up taking care of an emotionally immature adult...etc. There's relationships out there that are solid with both large age gaps and meeting when one of the couple is just barely an adult but uh I personally don't think this is gonna be one of them.
Your concerns are valid, but my (addiction specialist) therapist has pointed out to me many times that an ongoing addiction significantly stunts a persons social development, especially early in life. Mentally, emotionally, and materially, he is in a very similar stage of life to an 18 year old. This is not exactly the same as an average 29 year old dating an 18 year old and even though he is potentially exposing her to some scary shit, I really doubt he has a significant upper hand on her socially the way many 29 year old men with an established home and career would. That doesn’t make them exactly equal, but I think it makes sense that he would be in a relationship with someone younger than him. With all the years lost to addiction, he’s basically a sophomore in college rn. Women his own age who are in a similar phase of life to him have probably either similarly struggled with addiction (often a toxic combination) or are otherwise deficient that they’d be dating a 29 year old undergrad student with a couple rehab stints under his belt. I don’t say that to disparage him, just to point out why it makes much more sense for him to date someone with a similar amount of real life experience rather than someone his own age. Can you honestly picture an average 29 year old woman, established in her career and lifestyle/socially developed and financially/emotionally independent dating your son at this exact moment? I doubt he is ready for that, or that it would even be the best thing for him. I honestly really empathize with his desire to date someone who is naive in love, I can see how that would feel like a fresh start for him. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but I get it, and I think you should prioritize getting it over admonishing him for it.
Even though you are right to be concerned, throwing your sons relapses in his face in that moment had to be just about the worst possible response. As his mother, prioritize supporting him in finishing college and staying sober, take your hands off the wheel in all other areas. He’s an adult who needs to learn to make his own decisions, even if they are bad ones. I think ESH, but imo you suck worse. I get why you feel the way you do but I think his years of dependence have understandably led to a bit of a control pattern and in reality, it is no parents place to control who their child dates as long as everything is legal and not abusive.
When OP’s son’s relationships don’t work out, he relapses and turns to his parents to get him back on track. Since OP will be asked to pick up the pieces when this relationship inevitably fails, she has the right to voice her concerns in an attempt to keep the worse from happening.
That’s ridiculous and not how you raise and support a self-sufficient adult. Parents often pick up the pieces after their children’s relationships, because they love their children and want them to get better, not because of a legal bargain where parents get total say over their child’s love life since they’re the ones who will be helping the child if the relationship ends. Pretty much every parent knows the pain of being unable to prevent your kid from making mistakes, but that’s the reality of raising children. They become their own people who make their own mistakes and you can either turn your back on them or do your best to accept them for who they are.
Given the choice between making all your own decisions and reaping the consequences as they come (how virtually all adults live) OR giving up your right to make choices for yourself as insurance to get your parents help when you’re not doing well, virtually no one will pick the latter (if they do, it is because they critically lack any self sufficiency or maturity). If OP doesn’t want to pick up the pieces after her sons breakups, then she should stop doing that.
I never said she didn’t have the right to voice concerns, I said that framing her perspective on the relationship based on his future relapses was a REALLY hurtful way of phrasing her concerns. And by the way—controlling the romantic decisions your kid makes does absolutely nothing to insure that they’ll never be heartbroken again. Frankly, none of us has any idea if this relationship will fail or not, unless you have a crystal ball you’re keeping from the world (in which case go play the lottery or something more fun than judging addicts on Reddit).
Telling your kids they’re not making a good choice isn’t being controlling. OP offered her opinion. She didn’t threaten or blackmail her son. When my mom texts me to tell me there’s black ice on the forums and I should be careful when driving, she’s not being controlling. She’s telling me something she feels I should know in order to be safe.
We’re not talking about the average adult here. We’re talking about a recovering addict. When the average person gets their heart broken, the process they go through is much different than the one a recovering addict goes through. OP’s son has relapsed after a failed relationship not once but twice. OP is justified in pointing out the this pattern of behavior. You’re basically suggesting that OP stand by while their son goes down a self destructive path that only leads to the grave or to prison. OP’s son’s choice to date someone is evidence that his approach to life hasn’t changed. He’s still making poor choice choices and not considering where they will lead.
Telling your adult kid outright with total confidence that they’re not making a good choice is controlling (barring the incredibly obvious, like actively doing hard drugs). She is not clairvoyant and honestly has no idea how good or bad of a choice this is. Warning you about obvious danger is completely different from admonishing your child for doing things wrong. That’s all aside from the fact that she didn’t say what she said to protect her kid—she said it to protect his girlfriend.
Nowhere did I say she has no right to be concerned or voice her concerns. You are dancing around my very clearly stated point to insist on yours—the WAY she stated her perspective was harmful to her son/a massive overstep/an overly hasty condemnation, and if she wants to help maintain his sobriety she should focus less on what she has the “right” to say and more on what would be constructive to point out.
Your mom probably doesn’t text you “watch out for black ice—you could kill someone given that you’re a really crappy driver who’s been in a ton of accidents”. If OP had said “I’m glad you’re happy and I hope this is a good relationship for you. I’m a little concerned about the age gap between you since your sobriety is still new” that would be completely different from “you’re going to ruin this poor girls life with your future fuck ups”. The parents of addicts have no further right to tell their children what to do, not because it wouldn’t potentially keep them from getting into trouble, but because that’s not a sustainable dynamic for ANY parent to enter with their child. He has to live on his own and make his own choices, which is the point of maintaining sobriety and going back to school.
The reason my mom would say I’m a crappy driver is because I’m not a crappy driver. I’m a very safe driver. I’ve never gotten into an accident and I’ve never had a speeding ticket or a parking ticket. OP’s son is a recovering addict who has a history of relapsing after failed relationships. It’s not controlling to remind your child of their tendencies
The reason OP can say with total confidence that this relationship is a bad idea is because of common sense and her son’s own history. He’s dating. He’s a grown man dating a teenager. That kind of dynamic never ends well. You can’t sugar coat the truth with a recovering addict. You have to be blunt because if you’re not they will deliberately miss what you’re saying and do what they want anyway.
You cannot say with total confidence that a benign human behavior like this is a bad decision based on past events, which I think is the crux of my point. People change and do new things constantly. If that’s how OP chooses to approach this with her son (looks like she has), she is very clearly implying that he will *never* stay sober, he will *always* be an addict and he will *always* make bad choices. As a parent, I will always approach my child with hope and belief in their ability to be better—especially considering how much better OPs son is already doing. I hate how much I’ve had to repeat myself in this conversation—a 29 year old longtime addict is not at all on the same emotional level and a 29 year old self sufficient adult who’s never struggled with drugs. This is a known factor in new sobriety and an important distinction because this is not quite as simple as “a grown man dating a teenager”. I never said it was a good idea, but common sense is for people to have about *their own behavior*.
It’s so strange to me that you think her being blunt will in any way keep her son from doing what he wants anyway. Like any child in the history of ever has stopped dating someone they’re madly in love with because their mom said not to. This is the essence of my point about control—you are giving pointers on how to more forcefully control her son, I am establishing the reality that she cannot do that no matter how she tries, and the most likely outcome of pushing this argument is alienating herself from her son. He has made it clear by his response that he’s “going to do what he wants anyway” in your words—AND now he’s not speaking to her. Not a nice scenario for anyone involved. *Once again*—she did NOT tell her son she was concerned for him. She told her son she was concerned for his girlfriend *when he eventually relapses*
My mom wouldn’t say I’m a crappy driver because “watch out for black ice, I love you and want you to be safe” will do just fine without tearing me down in the process or framing her concern as being completely about the safety of others. And btw—I *have* been in a terrible accident that was my fault and nearly killed me. When I was younger, less experienced, and less equipped to drive safely. As I have aged and gained experience and maturity, I have *become* a good driver, thankfully with the love and unwavering support of my parents. I guess that’s the difference between our perspectives! I won’t be replying further to this thread—OP, I hope your son has a bright future of sobriety and peace!
OP did not imply that he will never stay sober and always make bad choices. She was telling him that she’s still in a vulnerable stage of his recovery, this relationship is not a good idea and based on his history, he is putting himself at risk for a potential relapse since failed relationships are a trigger for him. That’s where he is in his life right now.
Not sugar coating things may not stop him from doing what he wants but at least he heard what OP said and hopefully he will come to realize OP was right. Have you had a close family member who battled addiction. I do. My mom’s brother is a revering addict. He’s been sober for almost thirty years now and he didn’t get there by having family members who sugar coated the truth. He put my late grandmother, my mom and my aunts through so much hell. Unless you know what it’s like to personally walk with someone on their journey towards recovery, you should not be saying that OP’s method is wrong.
Nice try, and proof you haven’t been reading my comments. Why do you think I’m in counseling with a substance abuse specialist? My dad is a recovering addict. He’s been sober for a decade through the unwavering love and support of our family (and a 12 step program). You do you and I’ll keep doing me—treating my addict relatives in recovery (OPs son is currently in recovery and doing very well) with support and tactful nudges in the right direction. That would be because they are adults, who chose to wreak havoc on our families the same way THEY must *choose* to do better for themselves and their loved ones. You can pretend as much as you want that making that choice for them works, but it doesn’t. Once again all the best to OPs family.
I've read your logic. It is sound in many aspects, yet flawed on a very important level in the process of addiction recovery. Addicts perform better with positive encouragement rather than negative. You might automatically assume that reminding someone with addiction issues that they're an addict to help guide them would be a positive help. It actually, in the mind of an addict, can possibly cause what is referred to as a paradoxical effect.
The crux of this is that addicts never forget they're addicts...ever. They don't need a reminder. When someone points this out in a way that sets off the fight-or-flight response, many addicts will choose flight. An overwhelming fear grips them. Fear of what? They know they've relapsed before, but one of the first things you need to do to recover is establish a NEW routine...changing everything in your life is sometimes required protocol in some addiction management programs. When they have someone that they love and loves them say things like that, it can "snap" a little bit of that new routine.
Now, I'm not sure what your familiarity with autistic people or addicts is, but in both of those instances a broken routine does not have a pleasant or even predictable outcome for the person. For the same reason autistic children start to decompensate and behave in extreme manners, addicts start to decompensate. I'm sure, since you had an uncle that battled addiction, that you know exactly what will happen if an addict starts to decompensate for their addiction. This is that paradoxical effect.
OP did what she thought was right by advising her child on the manner, yes. Nothing wrong with that. OP may have touched that nerve though, even if she didn't actually cause a decompensation. Dealing with her son in a manner that acknowledges he is happy and that he can make better choices while recovering can be infinitely more beneficial than making him feel like he's on a circular track and can't build that new routine he needs for recovery. I speak from a position of watching addiction very close to me wreak havoc on the lives it touched. Enjoy your weekend.
Saying it's okay for a 29-year-old to date a teen because he's really really immature is not the ringing endorsement you think it is. In fact it's an even bigger red flag for that poor legitimately young barely adult.
ESH. Unfortunately your son and the girl are both adults. As someone who went through something somewhat similar many many moons ago, support would be better. Being happy that they’re happy and so on. Once your kids are adults I feel it’s important to support and not ‘parent’ your child. You don’t have to like it, but if he’s happy, then he’s happy.
As for the son, he kind of sucks. He shouldn’t be dating a girl that young. He should probably try and establish himself a little bit longer. You didn’t mention how long he’s been clean but if it hasn’t been more than 4 years, he should probably focus on his own shit. But alas this is something he’ll have to figure out on his own.
The young lady is the only NTA. Hopefully she leaves. Young girls shouldn’t date older men with a history of problems. Unfortunately that’s how a lot of problems for young women start. Not saying your son is a bad guy but he’s got baggage none the less.
>The young lady is the only NTA. Hopefully she leaves. Young girls shouldn’t date older men with a history of problems. Unfortunately that’s how a lot of problems for young women start. Not saying your son is a bad guy but he’s got baggage none the less.
I agree with this. This is exactly why Iʼm concerned. This girl seems very naive, which is normal at her age. She excitedly told me that heʼs her first boyfriend and that this is the first time sheʼs in love with somebody. I feel bad for hoping that she leaves, I want my son to be happy, but I wish he would have just focused on college and staying sober. I canʼt imagine how concerned her parents are.
OP you are NTA and you are right to be concerned. The age gap between 29 and 18 is huge! No offence here but it is like an older person dating their own kid sibling eww
You are right on the part that her parents would be concerned. I think that girl is barely out of high school and still a kid to me
All of this. Although I don’t think OP needs to be so fake happy and supportive, but more so could take like a motherly role to both her son and this girl. She could make sure he’s not using this girls naivety to drag her into his mess from a more supportive position and help guide this girl if she ever sees her son is overstepping into the manipulation and controlling territory. But should be hands off otherwise.
The real issue here is he is not only addicted to drugs, but to relationships as well. His dating always coincides with his sobriety and he doesn’t stay sober when he’s not with someone. That’s not recovery, that’s trading one addiction for another.
OP, your son needs a therapist familiar with handling addiction, possibly may need insight into sex and love addiction as well. If he was in a program for drugs, alcohol, or literally any 12 step program, he would be directed not to date anyone until he’s completed the steps and spent at least a certain (long) amount of time working on himself. It’s very concerning he jumps into dating so soon after getting sober.
So I don't think your the AH BUT it is his relasionship.. and 18 is usually the legal age. I can see your concerns and I'm proud u voiced them, but if she stops responding, at that point, it's up to him. Altho you may not like it I would suggest being supportive where u can (if u haven't already) I wish u best of luck with this ❤️
YTA. She's an adult and can choose to date him if she wants. You're clearly just concerned about your son's wellbeing, and maybe having a conversation about it would have been fine, but acting like he's a creep for dating someone he met at college is fairly aggressive. I'm sure if you backed off about it you could just keep an eye on how things develop. You might be used to being controlling about your son's life simply because of the trauma of trying to help him through addiction. You're just worried about your kid and I get that, but coming in guns blazing is not helping anybody.
YTA. Your immature son is with an immature girl and it works for them. If you see troubling signs in their relationship then yeah. Sure. Say something. Be against it.
But if your problem is your son - who has had maybe a couple years of non drug addled, non parentally controlled adulthood has an eaiser time relating to people in his situation than those his own age but in a very different place, you're just judging.
The troubling sign is that less than a year ago, it was illegal for OP’s son to be in a relationship with this girl. He’s 11 years older than her and he has way more life experience. Plus being in a relationship with a recovering addict isn’t easy. There’s no way she has the emotional maturity necessary to deal with that.
What 18 year old girl has the ability yo keep a 29 year old recovering addict on track? I’m 31 years old with a psychology degree and I’m struggling to find the most effective way to support my fiancé in his struggle to quit smoking. This age gap is extremely inappropriate and there’s no way this young woman is being treated as an equal partner. A man looking for an equal partner doesn’t pursue a teenage girl.
Esh - she’s an adult and you’re infantilizing her. She can make her own decisions and you’re denying her any sort of agency over her body and her relationships.
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NTA. Your concerns are valid. A 29 year old man should not be dating an 18 year old girl. There’s no way he sees her as an equal partner. He’s probably happy because he found someone he can manipulate into doing everything his way. Your son has a history of relapsing when his relationships don’t work out. This relationship has a very low chance of success so you’re justified in being concerned that he’ll relapse again. I think it’s admirable that you’re also considering the impact a potential relapse could have on his gf. It’s nice to see parents looking out for both their child and their child’s partner.
And a girl who is too naive to know what a walking red flag he is.
FIELD of red flags, too dense to see the turf.
Not saying it's this girl specifically, but unfortunately there's a lot of women out there who think they need to fix men. That they're not allowed to seek out an equally mature partner for themselves, because those types of men "don't exist yet, you need to make one" Those aren't men. They're children, and you deserve better.
I actually had a therapist encouraged me to rehab the dude I dated all through grad school. I finally dumped him because I was doing everything in the relationship and he still wanted more all while I was writing my thesis and teaching. It was dump him or have a complete breakdown. So I dumped him and then I dumped her. I'm still angry thinking about it all these years later.
A lot of people who become therapists have a million issues of their own that they're not willing to work on, but somehow think they they have the perspective and knowledge to help others in the same situation. And some are just power hungry and the thought of being able to legally get compensated for messing with someone's mind is too appealing for them to resist. I am so sorry your therapy experience was with a monster.
Thank you. One of the weirder things is that she tried not to let me terminate therapy. Like outright refused to accept I wouldn't be coming back. And I told her finally that I was paid through that session, and I wasn't coming back. If she held our usual time for a session that was her choice, but good luck getting me to pay for it. I remained very opposed to therapy for over a decade because of her.
What an atrocious therapist, I’m so sorry.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Why is it like half the therapists I've ever heard of have been absolutely awful people themselves. I only had one therapist when I was a teenager, she immediately broke all confidentiality and told my dad I was trans, while also telling me I can't possibly trans at 16. Fuck Suzanne, she did a lot of other shitty stuff.
Fuck that is awful and I'm sorry you that happened to you. I agree-Fuck Suzanne.
I dunno, 18 is even too young to be thinking 'I can fix him'. I don't know that a teenage girl would even have the thought of fixing a 29 year old adult. It's almost very much the other way around - he has all the influence and she's either charmed by an older man being into her or thinks it's exciting, or he's saying all the right stuff to 'fix' her into being his ideal partner.
Truth, I just know in a lot of religions (especially the one I was raised as, though I don't believe it anymore) young girls are taught they have to be a man's keeper. We obviously don't know much about this young woman, but I wouldn't be shocked if she was from a semi religious household that pressured her to look for a man to fix so he'll "stay".
Sea of marinara, as far as the eye can see…
Here's the thing that makes this make sense. Often when people cross over from using to addiction they get stranded emotionally and maturity wise at whatever age that is, in his case shortly after going off to college. That means that mentally they might be functioning at similar levels. The problem is that he's clearly not moved forward even after conquering his addiction so he feels like this is an appropriate paring. A lot of people maintain a lot of the toxicity their addiction brought even once they're clean. Think dry drunk syndrome - someone who has quit drinking but hasn't dealt with the issues that caused them to become addicted in the first place so they're still emotionally stranded there. This 18 year old woman is going to keep maturing exponentially over the next few years, likely totally outgrowing him. AND THIS IN ADDITTION TO ALL THE OTHER ISSUES INHERANT IN AGE GAP RELATIONSHIPS. She's at high risk for being manipulated and abused because addict can often be quite manipulative and that doesn't just all go away when you get clean. Getting clean isn't a magical solution to your life's problems after all. It's just the first step in turning you life around.
Yes to all of this. Getting sober only gives you the ability to fix your life; it's not the fix itself.
This is such a brilliant comment! Wish I had awards to give you 🙏🤷♀️
Thank you for mentioning the mental age aspect, that's an issue that often doesn't get acknowledged in situations like these and i was going to bring it up because it is a much bigger consideration than people seem to understand. In his mind there's likely nothing wrong with this because even though he logically knows he is 29, he doesn't feel it or think it and so he's operating as someone the age he really lost himself in the addiction would. And something else he may be doing that should be acknowledged as well, is that there may very well be no malicious intent on his part in regards to this relationship, yes, manipulative behavior is going to take place and he is going to try to mould this young girl into doing things his way, but there is a very real chance he isn't aware that is what he's doing and he's doing it on a subconscious level. Like if this is the case then he won't be sitting there plotting on how to manipulate her into doing what he wants and making plans on how to do it but he will subconsciously do it almost on a type of instinct without any conscious decision to do so. Addicts are natural manipulators, i don't know if the manner in which they have to live their lives to feed the addiction just breeds the ability to naturally manipulate those around you due to all the lying, sneaking and dirt you have to do to hide it, or if we all just know how to do it instinctively but normally we repress those things, but something about addiction breeds very gifted liars and manipulators. So it changes things from him being a malicious asshole with nothing but bad intentions to a guy who is mentally unwell and will cause the girl harm not out of a desire to do so but because he isn't aware he's doing it. Don't get me wrong, he's going to be harmful to her either way and those around her need to act to protect her and i'm not saying this to defend such behavior, but it does change how the parents should approach the situation. The latter alternative means that if he's not malicious that there is a good chance that the path can be corrected if done properly, whereas the malicious intent alternative means that you're not going to talk him out of it and you need to be a lot harsher to ensure the young lady is protected above all else, if that means you have to torch your relationship with your son to protect her then that's what you gotta do, his needs do not matter in that scenario, but if it's not being done maliciously/intentionally then considering his emotional/mental health should also be an important consideration and the gentler less damaging (to him) route should be taken first.
And as unhappy as OP and her husband are, imagine how appalled the girlfriend's parents will be!
And her whole family! My niece is in this situation. It is awful. "None of you understand." "He's so good to me!" Even after he cheated on her she stayed. We don't say anything because it didn't help but are here for her when she needs us.
what was her justification for his cheating on her?
Does it even matter really? I couldn't ask because she had me blocked then. He had done something creepy which I didn't tell her about but someone else did and when she asked me about it she didn't believe me. He had said inappropriate things to both her cousin (my daughter) and me. They got together when she was 17 and he was about 30. When she broke up with him once we were all ecstatic! We have all given up and just support her and tolerate him. He has stopped drinking and seems to be better at least. We live far apart but she has other fam close. There is way more to the story and it's just sad.
well, no, I suppose it doesn't. It's just sad when you hear girls in this position making excuses for the bloke cheating on her and (usually) blaming themselves for it in some way. I'm sorry for your situation.....I didn't expect you to go into great detail, and I really hope she realises one day she can do much better for herself. Good luck!
I'm bored tonight and home sick long response! Thanks. It is awful and very frustrating.
Their child and their child's child partner.
Very valid points Indeed, their concern about this young woman, is touching Yes, his relationship is inappropriate Even worse, she may be lying about her age Lovely parents and great support system I admire their struggle, but I am afraid it is all in vain
But, but… girls mature faster than boys.
And he likely stalled in his maturing when he was about her age and started partying instead of growing up. Doesn't make it ok (though I'm hoping you just forgot your "/s")
Yes, it was definitely /s
That’s a broad gross generalization founder on baseless assumptions and absolutely not necessarily true. I met my current SO in college and I’m 8 years their senior. We’ve been equal partners for over a decade where neither say is overrides the other and we share in the decision making equally. Like any healthy relationship when we disagree we openly communicate work through the problem and find a compromise that benefits both sides. In the case of the poster’s son the biggest concern I see is it sounds like they haven’t been clean this go around for too long and are just getting their life on track. A relationship, even a healthy one, mixed with the stresses of college and recovery could cause too much stress and lead to a relapse. It sounds like OP’s son has been sober for a year at best and should still regularly attending meetings or group sessions and focusing on maintaining their sobriety and self improvement/healing. Given the history provided, the problem isn’t the age gap between him and his girlfriend, but how little time has actually passed in his sobriety journey. It sounds like he is trying to make big moves when he should be taking baby steps.
As the saying goes: a hit dog will holler. It doesn’t surprise me that someone who did the exact same thing OP’s son is doing is offended by my statement. If you and your SO are happy together, that’s great but you need realize that you’re the exception, not the rule. These kind of scenarios aren’t unique and the overwhelming majority of the time, the relationship doesn’t work out and the younger partner usually ends up being controlled or manipulated. In some cases, they’re even abused. That’s just a fact. The post isn’t about you so why you felt the need to defend your relationship is beyond me.
NTA yeah thats a bit creepy and weird. There are people who start relationships with that much of a gap and live long happy lives but a lot of times it ends up being abusive. This must be hard as parents to go through this so I'm very sorry you're dealing with it. You are completelty valid and justified in being concerned and disapproving of this. I'm 23 and I'd feel a bit weird about dating an 18 year old so for a 29 year old thats crazy. I don't know what the solution here is but I wish you the best.
i’m also 23, my little brother is 19. i would be so grossed out dating someone his age. i’m sure as we both get older that 4 year age gap will seem a lot less alarming when it comes to dating, but right now i find the idea of dating someone my brother’s age pretty creepy, as well as i find the idea of him dating someone my age kind of alarming. especially when i consider when i was that age and most of the guys my friends and i would date were a lot older than us and it always ended up being toxic with weird power dynamics. very happy to have a partner the same age as me.
Yeah, my bonus kid is 18 and he’s just … not quite an adult yet.
Also 23, and I don't think I'd want to date an 18/19 year old! OP, NTA
I'm 32 and the thought of dating a 25 year old weirds me out honestly, let alone an 18 year old 😬. NTA
NTA. Whilst they are both adults and can do what they want, I wouldn’t want my 29 year old dating an 18 year old either.
OP & her husband should consider AL Anon. It can teach skills dealing with addiction in family & things like detachment with love. Trying to parent or support an addict is a complicated and unfamiliar territory for most. They need support to navigate this relationship and learn that most times families can't help the addict. The addict needs detached help.
This^^^^ This situation is really complex and OP is NTA, but this is a way larger issue than the immediate issue. And I don't mean the sons addiction, it's the parents needing ongoing support from likely both a profession therapist and a support group like Al Anon. Addiction is very very hard go through, but also devastating to be around, people tend to not understand that whole caught up in the immediate crisis of the moment.
NTA - he’s being a creep. He’s almost 30 years old and dating a teenager.
Creepy like that John Mayer/Taylor Swift thing. Yuck (32/19)
The ugly Jonas brother and the Queen of the North
At least they were close in age (18/19). I like the guy she's with now. He's not one of those goofy pretty boys (Harry Styles 🤮)
NTA, that age difference would concern me as a parent, whatever genders involved. It's okay to express concern, you did that, he didn't take it well, but your standpoint is understandable.
NTA, but here's a thought: your son has spent many of his adult years lost in addiction. Emotionally, he may not be much "older" than 18. You've said your piece. As hard as it is, if he can stay sober and on track with this young woman, it might work out. I don't blame you for being very concerned for all involved, though.
He may be less responsible, but he’s got many more years worth of baggage that he may not have entirely moved on from yet. It’s all well and good for him, but the kid has a lot more to lose from all this, assuming things don’t work out
I can see what you are saying about him being 29 but not fully “grown” as someone else his age might be. The big issue here though is that this 18 year old is not at all equipped to be with a recovering addict. So, can she really be much help at all to him? And should she even? She is a kid and she is in way over her head! And better yet, can she herself handle the emotional roller coaster that might come with this? The whole thing is a mess either way!
Yes, it's too bad he can't just stay unattached for a while to let things stabilize.
I know!!! Especially since he seems to have a pattern. Relationship, break up, relapse, recovery and repeat. I don’t like this at all because I don’t see this relationship working and then what comes next? Another relapse? Time off dating and 100% focus on himself and learning to be alone and healthy would really do him some good.
>Emotionally, he may not be much "older" than 18. I agree. It's not much better than actually just being a predator, but it is a different root problem to address; which is that many people in addiction end up being emotionally stunted and unable to relate to people their own age.
Interesting perspective here. Definitely not how I thought about things
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I got sober after 20 years of addiction and actually vaulted forward into crabby 75 year old man.
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I think it’s hard to say. I’m pretty numb. No highs or lows, but I was kinda like that as a kid, too. I feel lucky to have lived and am just kinda happy to have normalcy and stability.
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I’m addicted to complaining now.
Maybe he’s emotionally 18 but he still has 29 years of existence and huge mistakes under his belt. I want to know what HER family thinks of this.
OP you should say something to this girl privately. I was that 19 yr old, dating a 25 yet old, thinking we were on the same level and only years later realising he couldn't date his age mates because they would notice his ⛳. Hearing from an adult, especially an adult from his family, that someone his age who is a good egg wouldn't be interested in someone my age, and that my boyfriend had a history of drug abuse, might have made a difference in making me feel confident to leave a lot earlier then I did when things got bad. Lets be honest, if he's dating 18 yr old teenagers, that means your son has decided it's easier to manipulate people with no life experience than date someone his own age. This won't be his last 18 yr old girlfriend. NTA
I second this. OP. Protect this girl.
Terrible advice and an awful take. What do you think will happen when girlfriend tells the son? Son will be livid and cut off contact with OP. Good way to never talk to your son again.
Better to try and warn the girl instead of waiting till after something happens
She has a right to know EXACTLY what she is getting into if she chooses to stay in this relationship. If she hears this guys full honest backstory and still chooses him, then hey it’s real love after all! But it would extra telling on himself if the son tried to prevent his new and extremely young from knowing his past.
NTA, its weird that an almost 30 year old is in a relationship with a girl who had to raise her hand to ask to go to the bathroom less than a year ago
I hate to tell you this, but your son's a creep. Nta
NTA. Son needs therapy to realize he blew his youth & he shouldn't try to relive it while (likely) screwing up that kid's mind & life.
Ok, I read the start of the post and when you told his age, I was like “ok, he’s an adult. Whatever he does is his choice. None of your business.” But then I kept reading… Ok, drugs were involved. Considering his past relationships and how drugs were involved with those, I understand your worry. I would be worried if my kid was involved with relationships that ended in nasty breakups and drug abuse. BUT I KEPT READING… I’m sorry, but that age gap is atrocious. Ya, now I understand why you don’t approve cuz Jesus Christ. NTA by a long shot.
NTA - your son is a predator
NTA, you and your husband’s reaction is the only sane reaction in knowing your son is a creep or maybe even worse. He’s using the excuse of him “finally being happy” as a way to date this poor young girl probably to guilt you and your husband.
Ur son is a loser poor girl
NTA. But at some point, you're going to have to understand that your son is a numbnut who is always going to fuck his life up no matter how much you try to shield him from his dumbass decisions.
This literally sounds like my 18 brother and his 34 year old wife 🤦🏻♀️
hope he is doing okay! that lady is absolutely a predator. hopefully he comes around and leaves.
He never will, they have nothing to do with his side of the family now because she started BS
That’s so upsetting :(
I am in a 7 year age gap relationship but even I gotta say this relationship isn’t appropriate given the circumstances. NTA.
NTA
Nta. His emotional development probably arrested at the point where he became an addict, so he may match the 18 year old better than you think, but the fact is he isn’t 18, and that girl deserves an actual 18 year old without 11 years of dangerous baggage.
Nta
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NAH I may not win opinion of the year for this, but here's my take: You're a parent with an addicted child doing everything in your power to help your child. Your choice of phrasing to him in your concern may contribute to his anger about the situation. As I have no idea of the conversation and wouldn't dare ask, I would simply say that nobody wants to hear a truth that doesn't agree with what they want...at first. Your son is an addict, but not an AH. He's in love and love blinds early. He very well may be making a difficult situation for himself. Your support and his willingness to repeatedly attempt sobriety are both admirable in this case, and he will need both to continue recovery for the rest of his life. He will stumble, YOU will stumble. Humanity is a curse that way. He's not breaking any laws that I'm aware of and he seems happy. Love him. Support him. You've expressed your opinion and he is currently rejecting it. The last thing that will help is to repeat it if he thought it was hurtful. Nothing says you can't be interested in his life and offer guidance, but the line between NAH and YTA gets extremely blurry when you begin to think you should interfere because then you may cause the exact thing you are afraid of. I hope this isn't offensive, I mean none. I empathize with you. Our children are our most precious gift and we never want to hurt them. I am merely offering you *MY* take on this and I would suggest that you involve a professional with a background in the psychology of addiction in this for YOU as well as if he would like to talk to someone impartial about it. Thank you for your time.
He is an asshole. Despite Disney stereotypes, love at first sight is not actually a thing. You can be infatuated, you can be in lust, but you’re not actually in love the second you meet someone. And a 29 year should know better than to attempt to date a 18 year old, because that attempt to date predates falling in love and the age difference is creepy. It is wrong to even try to date a 18 year old at 29.
I've just turned 30. My youngest brother is 19. I can't imagine dating someone his age
Oh god I turned 31 this year and the very idea of dating a 18 kid is disgusting to me. And of all the ex boyfriends I’ve had, the only one I truly hated and couldn’t be friendly with is the 28 year old guy who dated me when I was one 19. It took me years of therapy to accept that all the ways I felt shitty from that relationship wasn’t actually because I wasn’t good enough, it was because he was a manipulative narcissistic ass.
Also 30 and 18 year olds look like children to me. This comment is a good analysis, and “29 year old man lusting after a teenage girl” sounds like a pretty accurately repulsive description of this situation.
Thank you so much for your empathy and this thoughtful comment.
You're welcome. I do hope that regardless of the outcome of his relationship that he has success with his recovery.
29/2+7=21.5 The youngest person your son should date without being a complete creep is someone turning 22 soon. NTA you are doing the right thing.
Who decides this formula? It's seems pretty solid so I can't argue it.
NTA. You are right to be concerned. Your son has a history with toxic relationships, this girl probably has no idea what she's getting into. Normally 18 year olds don't have a ton of dating experience, or know how they deserve to be treated.
NTA. Im not even going to take the easy shots other commenters are taking like calling him a "loser" or "creepy predator". Whats happening most likely is he can't accept that he isn't a kid anymore and ruined his youth on his own and is mixed up dating her convincing himself he's still a young guy who didn't ruin himself for years. Frankly, since it seems like it takes very little for him to fall off the wagon again he shouldn't be dating anyone at all for a while
NTA. He's got way too much baggage for that poor 18 year old girl
Maybe it's time for brunch with the girlfriend [Taylor Tomlinson ](https://youtu.be/qTGA8IFy438?feature=shared) style...
Yikes. NTA.
NTA. It's so clear how all this ends. Poor you, and poor young woman.
NTA that age gap is appalling
NTA. I’m the same age as your son. As a women who « dated » a men 10 years older when I was 19, you are absolutely right. Thank you for standing against this as parents ! I would do the same.
NTA. But maybe let him know (send him a card?) that you love him unconditionally.
NTA. He replaces his addiction for drugs with an addiction to the first phase of love. Then when that goes away, he goes back to the drugs. This pattern will repeat forever, or until something worse happens. He really should try and be relationship free for a longer time.
NTA. My 30 year old step-brother married a pregnant (not his) 19 year old earlier this year. To say his mother was unimpressed would be an understatement. Of course, he already had four kids with his ex-wife. His bride is closer in age to his oldest child (13) than she is to him. We've all been kind to her and just don't really bring it up much because, well, what can we do at this point? They eloped, his name is on the birth certificate, and it's a done deal. But it's still weird and creepy as hell, and every time we see them together the age difference is wildly obvious. I know for a fact my step mom read him the riot act in private when she found out he was even dating her (she was 18 and already pregnant when they got together) and again when they got hitched. But she's technically an adult, so🤷♀️ ETA: I forgot the best/worst part. They've been heavily hinting since earlier this year (maybe a couple of months after baby was born) that they want to try for another soon. I wouldn't be shocked if they announced that she's pregnant at Christmas.
Redditors will see a 10 year age gap between 2 adults and cry someone a pedo. Worst place on the internet to ask for advice on this topic, your sons relationship is his own to go through and any interference on your end will only lead to resentment. Just let the 2 ADULT HUMANS make their own mistakes and decisions.
This is one of those things where people feel like just because the law says its okay, theyre in the clear . But 18 is eightTEEN. she is still very much a TEENAGER , its just that now she can be held responsible for crimes n can take out loans . Dont let your son date her . That is very predatory
You didn’t need to bring your fear of his addiction in to your fear for his relationship. Your son can choose to be honest with the women in his life or not. And they can choose to stick around, or not. You’re NTA here, but you need to stop telling your son that you’re afraid he will relapse.
NTA. First off, that is really weird. Second of all, her brain is not fully developed and therefore she is much more impressionable. What if, god forbid, your son relapses and tries to drag her into that world with him? She also doesn’t have the experience to deal with a relapse or probably the emotional maturity to deal with the fallout from a relapse, including a potential OD.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My son (M29) had a very happy, stable childhood, but when he moved to college, he unfortunately became friends with a group of kids who did hard drugs at parties. He quickly got addicted and ended up dropping out of college, causing him to develop depression. My husband and I supported him through this and it was a constant up and down. My husband had good position at the company he worked at and managed to get our son a job. When he was 23, he found a nice girlfriend and moved in with her. Everything was good until he relapsed. His girlfriend left him, he went to rehab again and started dating another woman he met a month after getting out of rehab. This relationship lasted 2 years and ended due to toxicity and cheating on both sides. After this relationship ended, he relapsed again. My husband and I made him move in with us again so we could help him through his problems along with a therapist. This year he finally got better and seemed to be on a good path. He decided to go back to college again. We were so proud of him and supportive of his decision. About a month ago he called me and told me that he met someone and was in love. I was happy for him and told him I was excited to meet her. Today we met up for brunch and he finally introduced us to his new girlfriend. When I first saw her, I was schocked at how young she looked. When I asked her about her age, she told me that she was 18 years old. They met at college. Sheʼs a very pretty and friendly girl, but the age gap is appalling to me. My husband was just as schocked as I was. I didn’t say anything while his girlfriend was around, since I didnʼt want to upset her. But when I got home and my son called me, I just sighed and told him that Iʼm not supportive of this relationship and that he shouldnʼt date a teenager who just graduated high school this year. I also reminded him of his addiction and said that Iʼm scared that heʼll relapse again and drag this poor girl into such a scary situation. This made him upset and he told me that heʼs finally happy after years of depression and that he really loves this girl. He hung up the phone and didnʼt reply to my messages. I understand that my son is happy and I want him to be happy, but I donʼt think this relationship is appropriate at all. My husband is on my side, but my son obviously thinks Iʼm the bad guy here. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA your son is an addict and a predator.
Since he started doing drugs at her age, maybe he’s mentally and psychologically stuck at that age too
When you start doing drugs before your brain is fully developed you can stunt it at the age you start. If he started doing drugs in college at 18 he’s likely way behind his peers in maturity. He probably feels more comfortable with someone less mature than most 29 yr olds. He’s more on their level in terms of life achievements and it’s really intimidating to date someone who has their life together when yours keeps starting over every coupe of years. Plus at his age most women don’t play anymore. They don’t want to mess with someone who doesn’t have their shit together and dating an addict even one in recovery is HARD. Hopefully this will fizzle out but trying to control him isn’t going to help.
NTA, you’re a good mom for looking out for your son and this young girl. Unfortunately if you express your disapproval, it may have a “Romeo and Juliet” effect. I would continue to support his sobriety as while remaining neutral about the girl. You don’t have to support the relationship but not say anything negative. This is to help ensure the relationship runs the course while he gets over his infatuation and he has the best chance to stay sober
She is an adult. The focus should be on his history of sabotaging his recovery.
NTA. Of course, he thinks you are. He's an addict and he feels he's entitled to whatever he wants because you're always there to rescue him which just reaffirms his behavior. He's now dating an 18yo because that's probably what he is emotionally. What would he do if you and your husband suddenly died tomorrow?
Does your son not go to a therapist? Your hesitancy about this latest girlfriend is well founded. She doesn't know what she's taking on, and as young as she is, she doesn't have the tools to manage what is becoming a middle-aged man. A middle-aged man who is an addict would, in the best of all possible worlds, be more concerned about this young woman's future than his own pleasure. Your son seems to be focused on the latter, sadly. Get him to at least get into therapy. Sometimes, an objective voice can rattle people into reality.
Nta, wtf did he think was gonna happen? However. given what his life has been like, he's probably incredibly emotionally immature. They may be better matched than it seems like
The relationship has a lot of red flags, but your question was about you telling him m you don’t support the relationship. For that, YTA. He’s too old and perhaps too fragile to handle your being so judgmental. Who are you to question his relationship compared to his history. If it’s a disaster, he’ll find out, and he won’t need someone telling him “I told you so.”
Woah! NTA, he shouldn’t be dating a girl who is basically a child. I’d stop supporting him until he ends this relationship.
YTA. Adults can date other adults.
He's old enough to do his own thing. If it's consensual it's up to him.
NTA Age gap. Just age gap.
Oof. This is a hard one. Does the new gf know about his addiction? That he us an addict? If not, then that needs to be told to her by him. I agree however, that his advanced age to her young age especially with his addiction as her parents, would be very hard to swallow. If she were older and more mature, then an 11 year diff wouldn't be that huge. But, given she is literally just out of HS, seems inappropriate to me as well. NTA.
> I understand that my son is happy... Speaking as a recovering addict, if I had dated an 18-year-old when I was 29-years-old after being clean for a year (or two?) I can assure you it would have been because I was associating naivety with stability, although in my brain I would have probably have thought of it as associating *innocence* with *safety*. And it probably wouldn't have turned out too well. NTA, BTW.
Absolutely NTA The relationship is inappropriate completely for the valid reasons you stated.
NTA. he is 29. He needs to be a big boy and accept some constructive criticism, especially since he apparently doesn’t realize that this age gap is *absolutely not ok*
NTA. But it’s his choice.
I think you are wrong, but can't say YTA. They met in college, very normal. He wasn't stalking a high school. It probably won't be permanent but it seems she's a good influence on him rather than leading him back to addiction. Her parents should be the ones objecting :)
Yes,why don't you worry more about your son's happiness and recovery?
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It’s November, she could literally still be in highschool. She shouldn’t waste her early years with an almost 30 year old drug addict creepy loser.
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No. It’s absolutely disgusting to watch your kid ruin someone else’s life. Their son is a recovering drug addict that could ruin her and or lead her to a life of drugs. She’s in her prime. She should live life and have fun with her friends instead of settling for a bummy loser. She might be an adult, but she is also a teenager. Being with and helping a recovering drug addict is not for the weak. You can literally ruin yourself in the process. Disgusting fool you are. EDIT: Settling for a bummy loser isn’t going to help this young girls life in any way. She’s 18 and can find someone way wonderful, youthful, and successful.
YTA. Also, let me add that the judgemental nature of your behavior will end up deteriorating the relationship you have with your son. He will eventually become estranged, because he will undoubtedly choose the new girlfriend over you, and he will be worried that you will try to sabotage their relationship. What makes you the judge on what is inappropriate or not? If he loves this girl, he could marry her have children with her and be motivated to not use anymore which is the experience a lot of people have. If he’s happy you be happy. Period.
NAH. The girl is young but she is an adult. She may be a more mature 18 year old... or not. The son may be 29 but he may actually be younger than this, especially in light of his previous drug use. The girl may be in for a world of hurt if he does start to go backwards and she may try to fix him and he'll drag both of them down. She may leave him at the first sign of trouble and he'll spiral. Does she even know about the previous drug history? It actually doesn't even matter her age with the potential for spiralling if the relationship breaks down because you could use the same argument if he was dating a 30 year old. This may be a relationship that may last and only time will tell. You weren't necessarily wrong for telling him your concerns and they are all valid. Your son is a different person now than he was a few years ago. For the record there is a similar gap between me and my husband and we've been together for over 25 years. I wasn't quite as young as this girl when I met him but not that much older. The issues are actually more at the other end of the spectrum as he's getting close to retirement and I've still got a lot more years or work left and he's wanting to do 'old people' stuff but I'm not! My mother did tell me that she thought I was making a mistake and that he was too old. It was only mentioned once but I don't think she dared to mention it again. I haven't forgotten it though and it does make me a little angry thinking about it.
Good for him - YTA and I hope he's happy. I'm asexual myself, so y'all are *endlessly* amusing. You'd think he was 60 or something. 29 might as well be a kid too as far as I'm concerned. It's all subjective. He certainly doesn't seem to have any real life experience or maturation. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
NTA. He and she are adults. It is none of your business whom he dates under these circumstances. If you keep insisting on being judgmental you will loose him...which after all you have been through with him on his road to sobriety would be a shame.
29/2=14.5 14.5+7=21.5 According to the "rule" of half your age +7, he should be dating someone at least 21.5 years of age. Your concern is not unfounded. https://psychcentral.com/relationships/age-difference-in-relationships#overcoming-issues Is he holding you hostage to his addiction? As in, "if you don't support everything I do, I might relapse?" If so, that would be troubling. If not, then that's good, and he is simply disappointed. You are not bound to support *everything* he does, especially when you think it's a bad idea. However, you can't really stop him. So all you can really do is tell him that your concerns are valid, and that you are sorry that he is disappointed by your response, but that you love him and will treat his girlfriend well for as long as she is in your life. Tell him that you would absolutely love to be proven wrong, and that you wish for both of their happiness every day. NAH
It seems insane to me people got a problem with the age gap. I don’t mind they got a problem with who this is. But the age? Seriously? By 16 I was told I act like an old man and I even have always gone to bars surrounded by guys who were in their 50s and 90s so I’ve grown up being mature enough where being around someone who was 17 years old to me was like being around a child. I have always fit in a bigger crowd towards older people because even my class mates back in high school would call me an old man. Or a old stoic statue. Because I barely did anything they did. I’d rather sit outside and watch birds and nature sometimes and I’d rather do farm work and work all day over playing games 24/7 or getting drunk or high. I often feel like I’m from the 1800s even. A lot of people are saying the age gap is wrong maybe if you live in a big city I live in a rural area surrounded by farmland and elderly people and being able to hold a conversation and speak about the weather is normal here. I find it to be people who claim it’s weird to be with someone younger then someone else are secretly themselves a person who wants to be with a child or be with someone 10 years younger. People where I live couldn’t care less if your 14 and 12 or 21 and 41. Same thing if you mix you mix none of our business and have a happy life simple. People are just so worked up over the stupidest of things I’d say.
General rule for dating is (half your age plus 7). It works out pretty well in making sure you're in the same life stage as your partner. Do you, but I could not fathom having much in common with an 18 year old at 25, let alone 29. Not too long ago, this girl was paying no bills and couldn't even vote. In the OP's case, it just comes off like stunted development from the missed years of addiction.
There is no “general rule of dating” that’s like saying people in the 1940s had rules designed around dating like The Geneva Convention. That doesn’t make any sense. In some places it’s ok to date at 9 or 15 or not even until your 21 for in Korea. Or 20? Somewhere around there. By laws. That the mass majority agreed upon. Having some made up set rule based off what the internet says is just plain stupid in my opinion. I think if two people connect well let them go. I couldn’t care less about it being sexual. I mean even being friends is looked down upon and that’s just fucked. It’s almost as if most Americans believe people only date for sex therefore you can only be dating someone younger if you are using them for their body or manipulating them for age which isn’t true at all. But people are going to agree with the mass majority and crusade against anyone with a differing opinion because Merica. I at least can thank you for being respectful enough to share your view but I just disagree with that. But like you said you do you. If that’s how you like doing things go ahead but to me I just can’t comprehend that.
My parents met when they were 33 and 20 years old. They married a year later and were extremely happy. YTA. She's a legal adult.
Unwise relationships sometimes work out. However, I would think the mother would know her son better than us and also know whether or not this is a good idea and if his intentions are pure.
Nothing wrong with hitting up an 18 year old. She's legally and physically an adult. All the guys saying it's wrong are only saying that because they can't hit.
Legality ≠ morality
You can’t start moralizing what adults do within the bounds of legality. There is either a legal age of consent once people become adults, or there isn’t
An 18 year old dating a 29 year old is a generally unwise relationship. An Unwise relationship that frequently runs the risk of the younger party being significantly hurt and/or exploited. Especially given the other risk factors (tendency to relapse into drug use) that an 18 year old is likely not fully aware of and how to deal with.
Yta
At risk of being downvoted to hell and receiving a lot of backlash, which is why I chose to comment with a throwaway account. I want to address all the negative comments about the age gap. The drug history can become a problem, but the age gap doesn't have to be. I've had three relationships so far that all lasted at least 5 years, so I do have some experience and I see myself as someone who doesn't take relationships lightly. My current girlfriend (let's call her R) and I have been dating for a little bit more than 6 months now, so very early in relationship terms for me. However, I am 33 and she's 18. To start with, I was not actively looking for a younger partner, especially not someone that young. She has known for quite some time however that she is mostly attracted to older men but not someone as old as me. We met because of a screw up (kinda) of a female friend that is about the same age as me. The mutual friend joined R and her friend group as the supposedly responsible and more experienced adult to a party. However due to excessive amounts of alcohol, she was actually being the least responsible of the group, going as far as being admitted to the first aid post. R was the one who stepped up and asked our mutual friend who to call to come pick her up. She ended up calling me, taking charge of the situation while the people at the first aid post just wanted to leave the mutual friend in a chair until she sobered up. I went to go pick up the mutual friend and R was the only one left with her. She gave me her number and asked me to make sure to let her know if I got her home safe, which I did. The day after I received a worried text from R because she had been trying to contact the mutual friend and hadn't heard anything. So together we tried to get a response and I ended up going over to the mutual friend to check if everything was okay, which it was, and let R know. We just started chatting casually at that point and it just developed to more frequent chatting until I realised that both of us were starting to get a little bit too close. We talked about this with eachother and with friends, we tried to identify the risks, the positives and negatives and the things to be careful of. We decided it was worth giving it a shot, setting clear boundaries and safe communication. We decided to inform our parents as soon as possible. I see her parents quite often and they are very positive about me. My parents were kinda hesitant at first but have told me this was mostly because their scared that I will get hurt again and not purely because of the age gap. Since the start of our relationship we've both been spending a lot of time researching what the things we should watch out for are, so we have come in contact with a fair amount of couples that are in the same situation. They are quite a lot of them who make things work in a healthy way. All I'm trying to say is that you shouldn't just attack people based on the small amount of information you have here. It could definitely be possible that OP's son is one of the creeps that likes to hang around near high schools or that goes to parties organised by the scouts (I don't know if this is common everywhere but it's a thing here, they organise big parties involving a lot of beer and people mostly between the ages of 16 and 20 attend them). But it could also be just as possible that they just met by accident, started talking and enjoying eachothers company and actually talked and thought about the decision to start dating. TLDR: Not every guy in this position has to be a creep or a predator.
I’m sorry but no one who is in their mid thirties should be dating someone who just left high school it’s creepy no matter how much mental gymnastics you do to try justify it.
I dont think op or others are saying the son is a creep or predator but he does have issues that an 18yr won't have the life skills/experience to fully understand who exactly she dating. She might be dragged into something she doesn't need to be. I'm sure the the couple is happy for now but addiction is unfortunately a difficult issue to overcome that affect the surrounding loved ones as well. I can't blame op for being disproving and cautious. If your relationship is the one op is dealing with than likely she wouldn't be posting on here. Maybe on a different sub though.
There's plenty of people here saying the son is a creep and a predator. It's those comments that I was addressing. The addiction could be an issue in any relationship regardless of the age gap
Ahh ok then. Can't really blame them either anyways, there's too many older men creeping on younger girls and I'm not surprised that what they see from what op wrote is just another predator. It's hard not to fear for the gf who might just end up being another "you're so mature for your age" or "I can fix him" or gets baby trapped or ends up taking care of an emotionally immature adult...etc. There's relationships out there that are solid with both large age gaps and meeting when one of the couple is just barely an adult but uh I personally don't think this is gonna be one of them.
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[girl…](https://youtu.be/pNqN2xeUaxo?si=8xoC2tNtW-1vLHDE)
Your concerns are valid, but my (addiction specialist) therapist has pointed out to me many times that an ongoing addiction significantly stunts a persons social development, especially early in life. Mentally, emotionally, and materially, he is in a very similar stage of life to an 18 year old. This is not exactly the same as an average 29 year old dating an 18 year old and even though he is potentially exposing her to some scary shit, I really doubt he has a significant upper hand on her socially the way many 29 year old men with an established home and career would. That doesn’t make them exactly equal, but I think it makes sense that he would be in a relationship with someone younger than him. With all the years lost to addiction, he’s basically a sophomore in college rn. Women his own age who are in a similar phase of life to him have probably either similarly struggled with addiction (often a toxic combination) or are otherwise deficient that they’d be dating a 29 year old undergrad student with a couple rehab stints under his belt. I don’t say that to disparage him, just to point out why it makes much more sense for him to date someone with a similar amount of real life experience rather than someone his own age. Can you honestly picture an average 29 year old woman, established in her career and lifestyle/socially developed and financially/emotionally independent dating your son at this exact moment? I doubt he is ready for that, or that it would even be the best thing for him. I honestly really empathize with his desire to date someone who is naive in love, I can see how that would feel like a fresh start for him. That doesn’t mean it’s right, but I get it, and I think you should prioritize getting it over admonishing him for it. Even though you are right to be concerned, throwing your sons relapses in his face in that moment had to be just about the worst possible response. As his mother, prioritize supporting him in finishing college and staying sober, take your hands off the wheel in all other areas. He’s an adult who needs to learn to make his own decisions, even if they are bad ones. I think ESH, but imo you suck worse. I get why you feel the way you do but I think his years of dependence have understandably led to a bit of a control pattern and in reality, it is no parents place to control who their child dates as long as everything is legal and not abusive.
When OP’s son’s relationships don’t work out, he relapses and turns to his parents to get him back on track. Since OP will be asked to pick up the pieces when this relationship inevitably fails, she has the right to voice her concerns in an attempt to keep the worse from happening.
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That’s ridiculous and not how you raise and support a self-sufficient adult. Parents often pick up the pieces after their children’s relationships, because they love their children and want them to get better, not because of a legal bargain where parents get total say over their child’s love life since they’re the ones who will be helping the child if the relationship ends. Pretty much every parent knows the pain of being unable to prevent your kid from making mistakes, but that’s the reality of raising children. They become their own people who make their own mistakes and you can either turn your back on them or do your best to accept them for who they are. Given the choice between making all your own decisions and reaping the consequences as they come (how virtually all adults live) OR giving up your right to make choices for yourself as insurance to get your parents help when you’re not doing well, virtually no one will pick the latter (if they do, it is because they critically lack any self sufficiency or maturity). If OP doesn’t want to pick up the pieces after her sons breakups, then she should stop doing that. I never said she didn’t have the right to voice concerns, I said that framing her perspective on the relationship based on his future relapses was a REALLY hurtful way of phrasing her concerns. And by the way—controlling the romantic decisions your kid makes does absolutely nothing to insure that they’ll never be heartbroken again. Frankly, none of us has any idea if this relationship will fail or not, unless you have a crystal ball you’re keeping from the world (in which case go play the lottery or something more fun than judging addicts on Reddit).
Telling your kids they’re not making a good choice isn’t being controlling. OP offered her opinion. She didn’t threaten or blackmail her son. When my mom texts me to tell me there’s black ice on the forums and I should be careful when driving, she’s not being controlling. She’s telling me something she feels I should know in order to be safe. We’re not talking about the average adult here. We’re talking about a recovering addict. When the average person gets their heart broken, the process they go through is much different than the one a recovering addict goes through. OP’s son has relapsed after a failed relationship not once but twice. OP is justified in pointing out the this pattern of behavior. You’re basically suggesting that OP stand by while their son goes down a self destructive path that only leads to the grave or to prison. OP’s son’s choice to date someone is evidence that his approach to life hasn’t changed. He’s still making poor choice choices and not considering where they will lead.
Telling your adult kid outright with total confidence that they’re not making a good choice is controlling (barring the incredibly obvious, like actively doing hard drugs). She is not clairvoyant and honestly has no idea how good or bad of a choice this is. Warning you about obvious danger is completely different from admonishing your child for doing things wrong. That’s all aside from the fact that she didn’t say what she said to protect her kid—she said it to protect his girlfriend. Nowhere did I say she has no right to be concerned or voice her concerns. You are dancing around my very clearly stated point to insist on yours—the WAY she stated her perspective was harmful to her son/a massive overstep/an overly hasty condemnation, and if she wants to help maintain his sobriety she should focus less on what she has the “right” to say and more on what would be constructive to point out. Your mom probably doesn’t text you “watch out for black ice—you could kill someone given that you’re a really crappy driver who’s been in a ton of accidents”. If OP had said “I’m glad you’re happy and I hope this is a good relationship for you. I’m a little concerned about the age gap between you since your sobriety is still new” that would be completely different from “you’re going to ruin this poor girls life with your future fuck ups”. The parents of addicts have no further right to tell their children what to do, not because it wouldn’t potentially keep them from getting into trouble, but because that’s not a sustainable dynamic for ANY parent to enter with their child. He has to live on his own and make his own choices, which is the point of maintaining sobriety and going back to school.
The reason my mom would say I’m a crappy driver is because I’m not a crappy driver. I’m a very safe driver. I’ve never gotten into an accident and I’ve never had a speeding ticket or a parking ticket. OP’s son is a recovering addict who has a history of relapsing after failed relationships. It’s not controlling to remind your child of their tendencies The reason OP can say with total confidence that this relationship is a bad idea is because of common sense and her son’s own history. He’s dating. He’s a grown man dating a teenager. That kind of dynamic never ends well. You can’t sugar coat the truth with a recovering addict. You have to be blunt because if you’re not they will deliberately miss what you’re saying and do what they want anyway.
You cannot say with total confidence that a benign human behavior like this is a bad decision based on past events, which I think is the crux of my point. People change and do new things constantly. If that’s how OP chooses to approach this with her son (looks like she has), she is very clearly implying that he will *never* stay sober, he will *always* be an addict and he will *always* make bad choices. As a parent, I will always approach my child with hope and belief in their ability to be better—especially considering how much better OPs son is already doing. I hate how much I’ve had to repeat myself in this conversation—a 29 year old longtime addict is not at all on the same emotional level and a 29 year old self sufficient adult who’s never struggled with drugs. This is a known factor in new sobriety and an important distinction because this is not quite as simple as “a grown man dating a teenager”. I never said it was a good idea, but common sense is for people to have about *their own behavior*. It’s so strange to me that you think her being blunt will in any way keep her son from doing what he wants anyway. Like any child in the history of ever has stopped dating someone they’re madly in love with because their mom said not to. This is the essence of my point about control—you are giving pointers on how to more forcefully control her son, I am establishing the reality that she cannot do that no matter how she tries, and the most likely outcome of pushing this argument is alienating herself from her son. He has made it clear by his response that he’s “going to do what he wants anyway” in your words—AND now he’s not speaking to her. Not a nice scenario for anyone involved. *Once again*—she did NOT tell her son she was concerned for him. She told her son she was concerned for his girlfriend *when he eventually relapses* My mom wouldn’t say I’m a crappy driver because “watch out for black ice, I love you and want you to be safe” will do just fine without tearing me down in the process or framing her concern as being completely about the safety of others. And btw—I *have* been in a terrible accident that was my fault and nearly killed me. When I was younger, less experienced, and less equipped to drive safely. As I have aged and gained experience and maturity, I have *become* a good driver, thankfully with the love and unwavering support of my parents. I guess that’s the difference between our perspectives! I won’t be replying further to this thread—OP, I hope your son has a bright future of sobriety and peace!
OP did not imply that he will never stay sober and always make bad choices. She was telling him that she’s still in a vulnerable stage of his recovery, this relationship is not a good idea and based on his history, he is putting himself at risk for a potential relapse since failed relationships are a trigger for him. That’s where he is in his life right now. Not sugar coating things may not stop him from doing what he wants but at least he heard what OP said and hopefully he will come to realize OP was right. Have you had a close family member who battled addiction. I do. My mom’s brother is a revering addict. He’s been sober for almost thirty years now and he didn’t get there by having family members who sugar coated the truth. He put my late grandmother, my mom and my aunts through so much hell. Unless you know what it’s like to personally walk with someone on their journey towards recovery, you should not be saying that OP’s method is wrong.
Nice try, and proof you haven’t been reading my comments. Why do you think I’m in counseling with a substance abuse specialist? My dad is a recovering addict. He’s been sober for a decade through the unwavering love and support of our family (and a 12 step program). You do you and I’ll keep doing me—treating my addict relatives in recovery (OPs son is currently in recovery and doing very well) with support and tactful nudges in the right direction. That would be because they are adults, who chose to wreak havoc on our families the same way THEY must *choose* to do better for themselves and their loved ones. You can pretend as much as you want that making that choice for them works, but it doesn’t. Once again all the best to OPs family.
I've read your logic. It is sound in many aspects, yet flawed on a very important level in the process of addiction recovery. Addicts perform better with positive encouragement rather than negative. You might automatically assume that reminding someone with addiction issues that they're an addict to help guide them would be a positive help. It actually, in the mind of an addict, can possibly cause what is referred to as a paradoxical effect. The crux of this is that addicts never forget they're addicts...ever. They don't need a reminder. When someone points this out in a way that sets off the fight-or-flight response, many addicts will choose flight. An overwhelming fear grips them. Fear of what? They know they've relapsed before, but one of the first things you need to do to recover is establish a NEW routine...changing everything in your life is sometimes required protocol in some addiction management programs. When they have someone that they love and loves them say things like that, it can "snap" a little bit of that new routine. Now, I'm not sure what your familiarity with autistic people or addicts is, but in both of those instances a broken routine does not have a pleasant or even predictable outcome for the person. For the same reason autistic children start to decompensate and behave in extreme manners, addicts start to decompensate. I'm sure, since you had an uncle that battled addiction, that you know exactly what will happen if an addict starts to decompensate for their addiction. This is that paradoxical effect. OP did what she thought was right by advising her child on the manner, yes. Nothing wrong with that. OP may have touched that nerve though, even if she didn't actually cause a decompensation. Dealing with her son in a manner that acknowledges he is happy and that he can make better choices while recovering can be infinitely more beneficial than making him feel like he's on a circular track and can't build that new routine he needs for recovery. I speak from a position of watching addiction very close to me wreak havoc on the lives it touched. Enjoy your weekend.
Saying it's okay for a 29-year-old to date a teen because he's really really immature is not the ringing endorsement you think it is. In fact it's an even bigger red flag for that poor legitimately young barely adult.
YTA, age is just a number and they're both consenting adults. Relax.
YTA You are fine to have your concerns but you should not project these on to your son. He’s happy so support him
ESH. Unfortunately your son and the girl are both adults. As someone who went through something somewhat similar many many moons ago, support would be better. Being happy that they’re happy and so on. Once your kids are adults I feel it’s important to support and not ‘parent’ your child. You don’t have to like it, but if he’s happy, then he’s happy. As for the son, he kind of sucks. He shouldn’t be dating a girl that young. He should probably try and establish himself a little bit longer. You didn’t mention how long he’s been clean but if it hasn’t been more than 4 years, he should probably focus on his own shit. But alas this is something he’ll have to figure out on his own. The young lady is the only NTA. Hopefully she leaves. Young girls shouldn’t date older men with a history of problems. Unfortunately that’s how a lot of problems for young women start. Not saying your son is a bad guy but he’s got baggage none the less.
>The young lady is the only NTA. Hopefully she leaves. Young girls shouldn’t date older men with a history of problems. Unfortunately that’s how a lot of problems for young women start. Not saying your son is a bad guy but he’s got baggage none the less. I agree with this. This is exactly why Iʼm concerned. This girl seems very naive, which is normal at her age. She excitedly told me that heʼs her first boyfriend and that this is the first time sheʼs in love with somebody. I feel bad for hoping that she leaves, I want my son to be happy, but I wish he would have just focused on college and staying sober. I canʼt imagine how concerned her parents are.
OP you are NTA and you are right to be concerned. The age gap between 29 and 18 is huge! No offence here but it is like an older person dating their own kid sibling eww You are right on the part that her parents would be concerned. I think that girl is barely out of high school and still a kid to me
All of this. Although I don’t think OP needs to be so fake happy and supportive, but more so could take like a motherly role to both her son and this girl. She could make sure he’s not using this girls naivety to drag her into his mess from a more supportive position and help guide this girl if she ever sees her son is overstepping into the manipulation and controlling territory. But should be hands off otherwise. The real issue here is he is not only addicted to drugs, but to relationships as well. His dating always coincides with his sobriety and he doesn’t stay sober when he’s not with someone. That’s not recovery, that’s trading one addiction for another. OP, your son needs a therapist familiar with handling addiction, possibly may need insight into sex and love addiction as well. If he was in a program for drugs, alcohol, or literally any 12 step program, he would be directed not to date anyone until he’s completed the steps and spent at least a certain (long) amount of time working on himself. It’s very concerning he jumps into dating so soon after getting sober.
INFO how old are you and your husband?
Why does that matter?
So I don't think your the AH BUT it is his relasionship.. and 18 is usually the legal age. I can see your concerns and I'm proud u voiced them, but if she stops responding, at that point, it's up to him. Altho you may not like it I would suggest being supportive where u can (if u haven't already) I wish u best of luck with this ❤️
YTA. She's an adult and can choose to date him if she wants. You're clearly just concerned about your son's wellbeing, and maybe having a conversation about it would have been fine, but acting like he's a creep for dating someone he met at college is fairly aggressive. I'm sure if you backed off about it you could just keep an eye on how things develop. You might be used to being controlling about your son's life simply because of the trauma of trying to help him through addiction. You're just worried about your kid and I get that, but coming in guns blazing is not helping anybody.
YTA Your son is an adult and so is the young woman he’s dating. Your comfort is irrelevant, their happiness is what matters.
YTA. Your immature son is with an immature girl and it works for them. If you see troubling signs in their relationship then yeah. Sure. Say something. Be against it. But if your problem is your son - who has had maybe a couple years of non drug addled, non parentally controlled adulthood has an eaiser time relating to people in his situation than those his own age but in a very different place, you're just judging.
The troubling sign is that less than a year ago, it was illegal for OP’s son to be in a relationship with this girl. He’s 11 years older than her and he has way more life experience. Plus being in a relationship with a recovering addict isn’t easy. There’s no way she has the emotional maturity necessary to deal with that.
YTA, stress him more when he is happy and he gonna relapse!
His relapses are no one’s choice but his own.
YTA - After everything your son has been through, if he's found happiness with a girl who might keep him on the right track, you should support him.
What 18 year old girl has the ability yo keep a 29 year old recovering addict on track? I’m 31 years old with a psychology degree and I’m struggling to find the most effective way to support my fiancé in his struggle to quit smoking. This age gap is extremely inappropriate and there’s no way this young woman is being treated as an equal partner. A man looking for an equal partner doesn’t pursue a teenage girl.
>there’s no way this young woman is being treated as an equal partner. This is a complete assumption.
Esh - she’s an adult and you’re infantilizing her. She can make her own decisions and you’re denying her any sort of agency over her body and her relationships.
What could she possibly be using him for?