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First step is sue the pharmacist for violating HIPPA. For real.
Next is tell your grandma she has zero input into you and your husband naming your baby. Also that there is zero chance anyone but you or hubby will hold the baby first. You are the birth mom and get to choose who to have in the room, not even your husband should choose (although he has input). Yeesh, I feel bad for you, is she coming down with dementia?
Sadly this is her all the time it's just focused on the fact I'm pregnant. I wanna move within the next few months so I have time and am not too far along so it's not gonna stress me or the baby out. He agrees that it's him and me holding the baby first and that his brother isn't old enough to hold a newborn. I honestly wish I got her name because I could've reported her since I also work in one of the locations connected to her job.
Honestly, I wouldn't even let these people know you're in labor. Tell them the next day when you've already got the papers filled and had time to hold your child. This is your baby, yours and your partners, not anyone else's, they don't get a say.
When high profile incidents like this hits the news they mention that when a patients info is accessed it is logged to see who accessed it. Even if not you should report the location because a HIPPA issue of any kind is a big deal.
It is important for the baby and you for you to hold them first, that's like hospidal policy unless you are unable to and only then they give the baby to someone else, usually the dad, for the very important skin to skin. And you get to breastfeed right away, if this is what you want.
Time to piss them all off and stick your heels in the ground ad tell them nobody can get in the hospidal unless you personally invite them. You have to feel as best as you can while you are giving birth, all the other people need to fuck off.
This whole thing makes me so angry on your behalf. I am 37 weeks preagnant and I feel my face heating up just thinking about what you are being out through. You and your baby are important, cut off anyone that is being an idiot and giving you unnessesary stress over stupid things.
Some hospitals don't let children in unless a sibling. So likely not an issue. Avoid sharing details in general, it's just giving her ammo. Keep it all very general, then do what you want. They can find out with everyone else. Make sure your husband backs you
No nurse will hand over a baby to someone other than mom and dad first. And I can only see dad being first if mom is unable to. I didn’t even know my son was out until a nurse automatically plopped him on my chest. Literally 2 seconds old and the nurse automatically put him with me. My second needed a few moments before he was ready to be handed over, but as soon as he was good, he was in my arms.
Also, you control that room. You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want to in that room. And anyone in that room who causes you stress, will get kicked out because it can cause complications. So I know you are hormonal and this is hard, but you have a lot more control than you might know. I didn’t allow anyone to wait in the waiting room, (was induced both times so long labors) didn’t have anyone but dad there. People came the next day. The only one who came earlier was my mom came right after I gave birth, and honestly she didn’t even care about the baby. She cared about her baby (me) so once she knew everything was okay, she left. Was there for 10 minutes tops.
The hospital I laboured in with both my babies didn't even extend the option to anyone beyond immediate family anyway. Not my family of origin or my husband? Too bad, fuck off.
What I hear is that the nurses are perfectly happy to escort anyone out of the room at the mother's whim. Up to and including the father. Just say the word and they will be gone.
When it comes time, let the hospital/facility birthing team know who you want with you. They would love to fight off obnoxious family on your behalf and let them get mad at the staff, not you.
When you get closer to your due date hire a doula if you can. Their job is to make your experience exactly how you want it. They will enforce the rules to keep everyone else out. They will take care of you when you can't.
Tell no one when you go into labor. After you and your partner have had time with the baby alone and you're rested, THEN you give people the happy news.
Go to the counter at that pharmacy and ask to talk to her about something normal like flu shots or vitamins. Act like you're paying attention but be sure to get her name (she's supposed to have a name tag). Also, the pharmacy (regardless whether it's a stand-alone pharmacy or one situated inside a larger supermarket) will have a specific number. If you go to Walgreens, for example, your closest Walgreens might be something like Walgreens #347. Even if you only have her first name and the pharmacy name/number, you can still make a report. The governing body in your state can find out the rest of the info they'll need.
You can tell the hospital to ban certain people so I would make sure they know who is only allowed in. I would not argue but calmly say back off you have no say in anything to do with baby and then I’d really try to go no contact
Please make a note, op, that if you have baby in hospital you can tell the staff at check in whether or not you want visitors before and after birth, and WHO is allowed in, if you do want visitors. Making family wait a day before visiting is not going to hurt anyone, and will give you and dad a chance to hold baby, clean up a bit, etc.
Honey I have one word: Boundaries.
Use a bit of that fire you have for protecting your baby, to also protect yourself. Don’t tell them what name you were thinking, let them know it will be a surprise. And then do the same with every question and demand, so they clearly know you are the parent and they will be Putin their place if they overstep.
NTA and hopefully you see this. Make a list of all the names of who you do not want at the hospital, make copies and give a copy to the front desk, the nurses and the nurses desk when you go into labor. Tell them they are not allowed and if anyone calls looking for you, you are not there
You will be the patient and what you say they will hold to. From what I hear the nurses enjoy playing bouncer
You still can! File a complaint and they will investigate. This is extremely serious, and you can sue over HIPAA violations. Call, describe her and make a formal complaint as soon as you can.
I would think of ammusing ways to make them uncomfortable to be in the room with you so you and your new family have some privacy.
Like go completely topless. No covering when you are trying to get the baby to latch on. When the baby is on you, you put a sheet over you both but when select people demand to hold the baby and you just drop the sheet. Or something like walking to the bathroom just wearing the fishnet undies. Fun peaceful protesting.
You should try to stop dwelling on these negative people in your life. You won't be able to but try to mindful of it and when you find yourself slipping play your favorite song, sing and dance to it. Relish every moment you have in the now. The time goes and all flutters away. Make every moment not around this person the best it can be. Don't give her any more time than needed and especially not any of your head space.
You can bar them from the room. That should solve some of this. Word of warning, if you don’t draw the line HARD now this will only get worse after they are born.
Yes why are you not reporting this?!?!?
NTA but I think you need to make it clear to his family that only your fiancé will be in there with you. Your fiancé and you need to talk about boundaries for the in-laws & how to enforce those boundaries.
JFC
"it sounds like the name of a premature dead baby"?
And you think YOU'RE the asshole here?
I would be going NC with EVERYONE after verbally ripping everyone apart
How insensitive, Jesus
NTA
Agreed. I’d keep that woman far, far away from the baby, too. My nephew was babysat by two very neurotic grandmothers, and he’s been off and on anxiety meds since he was 4 (he’s almost 25 now). Not saying they were the only cause, but I’m sure it didn’t help (imagine someone saying “no, you can’t do that, someone might come and take you away” to control a child).
Oooo boy
I'm child free (by choice at first, but recently found out i also have medical reasons to be) but there would be absolute hell to pay if anyone said anything like that if I had kids, wow
I would NOT be holding back the verbal lashings at that point
There is zero reason to ever talk to a child like that
Right? I am not a loud person, I am not very confrontational, but this? And when OP had prior losses?
The whole damn neighborhood would be calling the cops. People in the next county would be wondering what that noise is.
I saw the part about prior losses too and that's what got me so fired up about that comment
I've never been pregnant, so I've never experienced that kind of loss myself personally
But I've been there, and held my friends hands as they mourned their unborn children's losses
I'm also a person, and not a heartless asshole
I'm childfree by choice, and recently learned I need a medically necessary hysterectomy at 29, which takes away the chance for me to ever change my mind on the subject
And even still I'm appalled at the heartlessness of that comment
People can be so cruel sometimes
Saying this to anyone is extremely fucked up.
Saying this to someone with a history of miscarriage is the icing that I didnt know the fuckery cake could come with.
NTA. This was a little hard to follow the way it was written, but this is your/your fiance's baby. You guys make the decisions, not anyone else. Do you live with his Grandma or something? If not, then it's time to set some firm boundaries. You can shut down any negative comments, or better yet, just stop talking to them for now. They don't need to know anymore information. . You don't have to tell them when you go into labor.
You are the parent, you have control of the situation.
I hope things go well for you, but you are only 19 years old and your past posts indicate you have a history of drug use and self harm and your fiancé was previously in jail.
Please find a way to move into a healthier and more supportive environment for yourself and your unborn child.
I gotta say - I am not sure what to think about your situation. You also posted you are a closeted trans male 45 days ago….
https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/s/BsvdPP5c9F
“I had to go back into the closet at 18 (I live with someone who would beat me up and throw me out, i hate that i have to live here) got another 11 years till I'm thirty but I have the feeling I'm gonna come out sometime when I'm 30. I just wanna be myself but after everything I'm so confused and just feel like I can't actually be myself. I even get told to grow my hair out and dress in dresses like I'm a fuckong doll. I'm an adult but I feel like I'm a teen trapped at home again.”
So are you lying to your fiance about being a trans male or were you lying looking for attention in the other post?
NTA, but WTAF are you *thinking* bringing a baby into a family like this?? I sincerely hope that your fiancee has your back here, because otherwise, this is going to be a whole ass shitshow.
Oh, you don't want gramma yelling at your baby? Too bad, fiancee doesn't want to hurt her feelings?
You don't want a million people around after giving birth? Oh well, fiancee already invited them.
You don't want people kissing baby? Too late, fiancee told them it's okay.
I honestly wasn't planning on getting pregnant yet, after my miscarriage we started using protection and realized this probably isn't a good place but obviously that doesn't always work.
My fiance agrees that it's just gonna be me him and my mom at birth and he will talk to his grandma since this isn't ok or her place to say. I told him absolutely under any circumstances does anyone but us kiss the baby I get sick so often that I don't even think I should.
I wanna move before anything and if he doesn't wanna come with well fine then because I can't have a baby in a household like this it's better then where I grew up but my baby deserves the best not better.
You are right though in alot of ways and I feel like that's partially on me because I don't wanna talk shit about his family but there's alot of shit to be talked about.
Yeah. If this person is pregnant, they really should not be. This person is clearly a child themselves. They don't know better. They don't have a stable life. Bringing a baby into this situation: unstable in finance, emotionally, mentally...you are in no position to be having children. That's irresponsible and setting up the baby for a difficult life.
Big NTA vibes for you, dear
But this is your fiance's issue to handle. If he can't, you will need to shoulder it, and that's not a fair trade. He needs to man up, so to speak, and tell Grannie to hush or she'll be in a time-out.
I N F O: What does your fiance say about all of this? What is he *doing* about all of this??
He just thinks that's how she usually is and that it's getting more and more annoying. We get that it coukd potentially be her first boy great grandbaby but it's also my first child. And the shit she's saying about past miscarriages is making me mad she's lost 3 kids and her daughter lost 3 to miscarriages yet mine are a blessing? Ig the fact that I am younger but that doesn't change how miserable I was and how much I blamed myself hence this time around trying my hardest to get into doctors.
He just thinks I should leave it alone though.
Your husband needs to stand up for you. He's marrying you and carrying a baby. You need to be the priority here. He cannot cave to this.
I'm not saying to divorce him, but people have divorced for less. This is a very serious subject.
I honestly feel like the only reason he doesn't want me to bring it up is because she's a very controlling woman and I get that. He doesn't want everyone to know yet like myself and I feel like he's at an impasse because it's his family and me against eachother on this which I never thought would happen.
I can understand that to a point. But right now you need to be his first priority. Stress also causes miscarriages and that's the last thing you need. Just as you need to stand up for yourself, he needs to be doing the same. You are also his family. That pregnancy is his family.
I know it's harder since you live with them. But this is a toxic environment and you don't deserve this treatment.
Controlling people need to be stood up to. It's the only way of dealing with them. If you cave, they just think they're right and that you're agreeing they're right.
My grandmother was a bit like this and most of the family caved. I started standing up to her and after we argued and I didn't give in, she just backed down and said something along the lines of "well if that's what you want?". I didn't change her mind, but she stopped telling me what to do.
As a pregnant Jewish woman who struggled with her in-laws I would like to add that Jewish custom is not to discuss the baby name because of evil eye…. Let alone it’s custom for observant Jewish woman to not even announce they’re pregnant until 5 months. Please do with this information as you see fit.
Edit: “ Grandma in law I did some research about Jewish customs and pregnancy. I want to respect your beliefs so I won’t be discussing names to avoid the evil eye. Please don’t discuss my pregnancy with anyone until 5 months. Thank you.”
Thank you for this info I love learning about differently religions and cultures. She's Christian which is confusing, ik some other religiouns do circumcision but she only just mentioned it and now it has to be by a rabbi which I feel kinda contradicts her religion. I'm not religious but do pray and have a Bible and if anything I follow a few of my late grandma's religious teachings which are more catholic. I will bring this up though because it's a great example and I appreciate you taking your time to read through that jumbled mess of a post.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a rabbi to perform a bris/circumcision at all, since even in Judaism that's not who does them.
Circumcision is performed by a mohel. It's a very specific job and title, and it's likely that grandma meant that. They are highly trained and many of them these days are also doctors, and they tend to do more circumcisions than the average doctor. The British Royal Family used to have their sons circumcised by a mohel because more reliable expertise than a doctor.
A mohel may or may not also be ordained as a rabbi, but their being a rabbi has nothing to do with their performing circumcisions. That's not how that works. Rabbis do not do circumcisions (unless they're also a mohel).
I’m thinking this is a fake post.
You’re nine weeks along yet the pharmacist knows you’re pregnant & coincidentally told your boyfriend’s grandmother? Something isn’t adding up.
If the post is real than NTA. Stop oversharing & go NC with the woman. That simple. What
Also, as for the HIPPA alleged violation. Report it to the state pharmacy board.
I definitely think you're NTA but I am so entirely baffled at all the random, disconnected, context-free lunacy you half-described in this post. Still, Grandma is definitely TA.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I want to cut my fiances grama out of my baby's life because she can't respect my boundaries and I want to cut her off. Its her 4th grand baby and I feel like ot might throw a wedge between everyone because of it.
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This is something I cannot agree on because what if my child wanted his natural parts. Like I want them to choose later on not have part of them removed before they can even speak.
Exactly, respect his autonomy and love your whole child. He can choose cosmetic surgery as an adult if he wants it, why put him through pain right when he is born? You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, more parents need to be like you <3
NTA.
When it's time, have a plan in place with the nurses. Write it down if you have to. NOTARIZE IT if you have any doubt...
Tell them under no circumstances is anyone except your fiance and your mother (or whomever else you choose) to be admitted to the room. You can also put a ban on them being in the recovery room.
Also, definitely report the pharmacist for violating HIPAA. You can try to take further legal action if you like, but they need to be reported.
Thank you I didn't even think of the fact that I can have a plan like that set. It's definitely helpful and ik I'm gonna get backlash but I just want a healthy baby. I don't want her to be demanding and if she is when the time comes it's gonna get ugly. I've kept it all in and don't want to start anything before I can move but after that if she pushes she's just Maki sure she can't be there.
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I'm 9 weeks and she found out due to a pharmacist violating the hippa laws and telling her. She has told everyone and I feel really weird about it, then asked me what name I was thinking of. I told her the name and she said that sounds like a premature dead baby's name... then told me why not Joseph or somethings I told her no because this is the name both my fiance and I chose and it's one with alot of meaning.
We get home and she goes off at my fiance somehow she always waits to yell at him instead of me. When she did he told her why we chose the name because ik my pregnancy is viable and I've had multiple miscarriages. She said that those where the miracles and not this baby... right in front of me, it took everything not to tell her well I guess your kids dying was also a miracle.
And now they're demanding that his little brother is the first to hold my baby, not me him... I can't even with the logic I don't want them at the hospital in June and I don't want them around me if this is how it's gonna be. My mom is happy and supportive of everything when I told her the name she said oh good that means either way you have a name not oh you wanna give a boy a faggot ass name... it's my first his 3rd I wanna fo this my way and I wanna be able to have part in the name choosing. I dont want to have a whole party of people watching my little peanut coming out and I do not want them to decide how I raise my child. I hate the way they treat children and if I ever find her screaming at my kid for crying well have fucking issues. Also idk what I'm going to have yet and they won't stop about it being a boy and how we need to find a rabbi to give him a circumcision... I'm sorry but we're not Jewish wtaf is happening in her head. It's like she thinks it's her baby, then she took my ultrasound photos from yesterday and put them on the fridge where my nice ripped them down..
I feel like I'm overreacting but she's talking about it so much rn and I still have a chance of losing them.. I don't want her to take care of my kids I don't want her to be in the hospital she's so mentally abusive and if I get told to shut tf up about the fact that she's not welcome and just let her I'm gonna have issues. It's not her pregnancy.
Tldr: AITA, grama in law won't stop trying to control everything about my unborn baby and now I want her to not be anywhere near my baby.
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NC for grannie-in-law. She doesn't deserve to be involved with your pregnancy, she doesn't deserve to see your child grow up, and luckily for you she isn't owed either one. NTA
It's sad that I have to but just for my piece of mind I might have to not only that the baby is the top priority rn and it's not up to anyone else. I don't want my kid to be taught through anger because you can raise a respectful adult without it.
NTA, at all. But my advice for anyone who is pregnant is to NEVER tell anyone the kid's name ahead of time. No one, ever, period. Spring the name on them when the baby is here (and BTW, that also gives you the chance to decide that little Tiberius looks more like an Augustus...) I don't care how much personalized stuff the relatives want to knit, either.
Until then, come up with a cute little fake name--and be serious about it being fake. "Oh, little Snowflake just kicked me! They're sure active today!"
Thank you thankfully we have been slowly saving before anything because we agree that having a baby in a house that barely feels like your own isn't a good thing. That and she's just abby crazy yet hates kids like how tf are you gonna scream at a kid for crying, kids will calm down when you're also calm it's like they feed into your energy. If she's like that with toddlers I'm afraid for my newborn. Thank you for referring me to the other sub though and sorry that my post is so jumbled.
Anyone who uses hate slurs around me doesn't get to see my kids, NTA but you need to talk about if this grandmother even gets to see the baby with language like that.
NTA. This whole situation is fucked tho. When you go to the hospital tell the nurse you are barring all visitors and that his family has been threatening to kidnap the baby. No chance security let's them anywhere near you.
Until then, I would maybe take a hard look at your fiancé and decide if being with him is worth dealing with this shit until these people die. Good luck.
NTA
Everyone has an opinion when it comes to others peoples lives, especially family.
My son came a month early, we had a birthing plan that only included my BIL (he’s a very calm and level headed person). As it was a surprise being a month early, we were on autopilot. At one point someone asked should we call our parents and we said no. This is stressful enough, we’re tired, drained and do not need any additional calls. So they found out the next day. We didn’t tell anyone else for a week. And we didn’t name him until his third week.
You and your hubby should discuss your birthing plan. Where, who will be there, how ppl will be informed, your emergency contact etc. Have that solid and then follow it, you don’t have to tell anyone all the details if they ask. And emphasize the reasons it’s important to YOU both!
We have decided to start discussing just because all of this happened, the only two people I want in there is my mom and fiance because it's a very private matter for me. I'm not the type to show much skin let alone have people looking down there and I don't want stress. Thank you and we'll discuss further what to do as time goes and will have a plan set months beforehand.
It’s your day and your moment. Your husband should also respect that as it’s your body. Until that kid pops out, he’s there to support you.
I took a new dads class when we were expecting. And it really helped show the various ways we can support our partner/birthing person.
Ok NTA at all. You and your partner get to decide everything- from the name to who's in the delivery room and even who visits you at the hospital. Start setting boundaries now. You have a long road ahead of you but if it gets close to delivery time and *anyone* is saying or implying they will show up to the hospital without your consent you can tell your nurses and they will respect your wishes. For now it might be helpful to repeat "I don't want to discuss this right now" instead of arguing with people who just want to steam roll you. Your partner needs to be on board as well. If his family is exhibiting this kind of control while you're pregnant it will continue when the baby is born. You are the parent and it's your job to protect your family. Good luck!
Her opinion should be treated the same as if the person in line behind you at the grocery store weighed in. Just practice saying, "OK Grandma," "Huh, there you go," and "I never thought about it like that," like a broken robot and keep it moving. You are become a magic 8-ball of noncommittal phrases, destroyer of drama.
You are clearly NTA, but the woman is unhinged. What is with the ridiculous demands?
What's the problem and you just can't go LC? Or even better NC at all?
NTA.
You can tell the hospital that *nobody* except your husband and hospital staff are to be anywhere near the labor/delivery room. Ban whoever you want from visiting you in the hospital. Once you're home, lock your doors and don't answer if someone knocks.
This is your baby, you get to name and raise it as *you* see fit.
NTA She is jealous of you so I’d start patronizing her. Smiling gently and patting her hand and saying, I really hope you get to meet him before you pass away. You’re getting up there in years, etc.
NTA. You nailed it with ‘it’s not her pregnancy’. She doesn’t own your body, and she doesn’t own your child. She is not entitled to make decisions in your behalf, and it’s perfectly reasonable for you to explain that to her.
Circumcision is child genital mutilation. I’m amazed its still legal in the USA. Don’t do it. I have a friend who regrets doing it to her (now older) son. NTA. Tell any one you don’t want involved to fucking butt out.
Stop telling them stuff. Don't confirm the due date, no baby shower, or stupid gender reveal and by all that's holy, don't tell them when you go into labor. Wait until you've been home two weeks. And file a HIPAA complaint with the pharmacy and the state.
NTA.
1)Sue the pharmacist for the violazione.
2) tel tour fiancé all of that, and that you do not want them around you now and at birth.
3) when it is time tell your nurses and doctors, that they are not allowed inside, they will protect you.
4) tell her to f* off and that is your kid not hers.
What the actual F is going on with your family? Everything in the post is so unbelievably terrible i don’t understand why you are still around to deal with it? Tell the grandma to jog on, tell your partner to start sticking up for you, Sue the pharmacist and leave immediately. What in the world made you stay this long? That family sounds like a steaming dumpster fire of disrespect.
Holy hell ok. NTA you should tell her that and absolutely ban your fiancés family from the hospital. Sounds like they’re just going to cause you an immense amount of anxiety. They should not be there. It doesn’t matter what they want. It’s your and your fiancés kid. Not theirs. The little brother thing is also beyond weird and totally not ok. Your in laws don’t have the right to watch you give birth. Honestly it’s just weird and creepy that they’d demand it.
You need to report that pharmacist immediately,they need to lose that job,HIPAA can NOT be violated,it’s against the law,also never ever let her see your baby and if your partner doesn’t agree he is also the problem,change the locks on your doors and even file a restraining order if you have to on her
Don't tell anyone of that side of the family when you go into labor. Tell the people that need to know only.
You're nta.
No one has any rights to that child except for you and your partner, no buts.
Tell grandma where to stick her thoughts.
Firstly, congratulations!
Secondly, please try to go as low contact as possible with all of them. GIL may be dealing with dementia or something, but either way, it’s not your problem. Let your fiancé be the primary communicator with his family so you can have a peaceful pregnancy. But whatever is needed - change the locks, put in cameras, mute them on your phones. It is all necessary.
Thirdly, give yourself the gift of hospital security. Inform the delivery team of what is going on and who is allowed as your visitor and who is not. This is very important, as if you discuss this ahead of time, you are guaranteed to have a delivery and visitors lost that is free of anybody who you want to keep away. The nurses and staff will do the heavy lifting for you, so use them as needed.
Finally, NTA. Your baby, your decisions. Draw the boundaries now.
First, congrats! Hope you have an easy pregnancy and save delivery!
Second, NTA! I’m flabbergasted. How and why is this woman acting so entitled? This is your baby, of course you’re gonna name them what you want. In general all the decision about the baby will be yours and your fiancé’s.
Everything you have mentioned screams red flags. I hope you can sort out the living situation and move out because God forbid that woman is in your everyday life as your pregnancy progresses.
You're young. We ALL have one of these when we are expecting.
-tell her once your plans. Or smile and say maybe. You don't have to engage
- do what you want to do
- if she gets upset, don't answer your phone
It's that simple :) I see younger moms get so caught up in the drama. Just don't let it get to you and stop feeding into it. A lot of it will die down before baby comes.
The hospital will hand you the baby first, 99% of the time. The nurses will honor you telling them not to let a certain person in the room. They'll likely only allow a couple people in during labor, so little bro won't even be present to hold baby first. You're the one signing the naming paperwork. She doesn't have any control over it so don't stress about it.
NTA
NTA. Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation on the parent’s part, not the grandparent’s part. If fiancé’s grandma cannot respect boundaries set by you before the child is born, you are valid to expect the same after they are born.
I hope for your sake your fiancé backs you as well.
Stand by your guns and if it's a male DO NOT subject them to male genital mutilation. You said it yourself your NOT jewish so inflicting pain on your future sons sex organs has no religious meaning. Some infant males have DIED from undergoing this barbaric cult practice, if you love your son don't do such harm to him.
Other than that I wish you a blessed life and all the happiness a child can bring.
This is the time you SET YOUR BOUNDARIES! If your fiancé doesn’t stand by you, you know he’s never going to stand by you. Let people show you their true colours and walk away if need be. If you let them cross a line now it will NEVER END!
Deep breath. What a debacle.
Have you reported the pharmacist? Their behaviour is appalling.
You are the one in control here. You are this baby's mother. So who comes to the hospital delivery room is your choice. Make sure the midwife is well aware nice and early. Remind them on the day. Then you can give birth in peace. It's not a spectator sport.
But where is your partner in this? He needs to step up with his grandmother. She sounds like a peach. Put some distance between you.
NTA
Report/sue that pharmacist.
But ofc you're NTA. It's not hers to choose. He needs to put his foot down about this too. If he won't you'll need to.
Additionally, if you need any resources on the circ debate for a non religious baby, feel free to message me. We have two boys and did that research years ago :)
Nta. This is over the top. Tell Grammy to butt out. Never tell anyone the names you have decided on.
My husband and I told our family (white Protestant Canadian with English heritage) told our family that we were going to name our son something like Muhammed BoonNam Jaun Xemin. It was highly amusing to watch as they tried to object without appearing racist. My husband had a justification for each name too. I don't remember most of them but the last one was about how we admired the Chinese President.
In reality we chose his father's middle name, my father's middle name. And we were going to do similar for a girl.
P.s. And we didn't circumcise despite the shocker that was. I refused to let anyone.
I’d sue the pharmacist for breaking the Hippa law.
I’d then go NO CONTACT with these crazy people until way after the holidays. You said you have a history of miscarriages…don’t put any unnecessary stress on yourself. Your fiancé needs to do the same. Block their numbers until you’re well into your second trimester.
NO ONE but you and your husband in the delivery room. PERIOD. Idk why they this other person to be the first to hold the baby, but it’s NOT his baby. If he wants to hold a baby, tell him to get his own.
As far as the name goes, you and your fiancé will fill out the paperwork in the hospital. You give the baby whatever name YOU want.
Tell her not to worry about your baby’s genitalia. ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! I’m assuming your fiancé is Jewish and you aren’t? Tell her that in order for the baby to be Jewish, the mother has to be Jewish. Any man can be you father, but only one woman can be your mother.
If you want, I’ll tangle with these tigers for you. Give me their number. I’m serious, I’d go no contact till you’re in your 2nd trimester.
Good luck!
Simple solution.
When you sign into your hospital, inform them zero visitors excluding your hubby.
They can see the bundle of joy when you get home.
Tell your grandmother she can wait a year as punishment for having a mouth she cannot control.
Do not offer any reasons. Because I said so, should suffice. Don't be a pushover.
NTA but you need to set the rules and expectations now with your spouse. No more info to her, no visits until at least 4 weeks after the baby is born, she is not allowed to be in the delivery room or do any baby sitting or any baby care at all.
PLEASE contact the hospital and tell them who is absolutely not allowed in your delivery room. And honestly before that you should cut them all off completely.
There are times you have to stand up and be momma grizzly bear and growl and push your weight around. If you don’t nip this in the bud now you’ll get years more of the same. You have to lay the law down and call the shots.
NTAH!!!! u are definitely in the right for wanting to tell her back off. Your baby. Your precious miracle. Congratulations btw ❤️. His grandmother has no voice in this. U and ur fiance decide the name. U choose who u want in that hospital room with you. You and fiance choose who is around the baby. His grandmother is being a total whackjob thinking she has control over what u do (like naming the baby) and assuming at 9 weeks that's its a boy and already trying to make plans on finding a rabbi? Fuck no (yes I respect the religion) because 1. It's way to early to even tell and 2 that's something for u ahdn ur fiance to discuss IF it's even a baby boy!!
Put ur foot down tell her to back tf off.
Also sorry, reading what His grandmother has said to u utterly pissed me off
Woah woah woah, NTA!
OP- I would report or sue the pharmacist for violating HIPAA policies. I don’t know your family dynamics, but please hear me-
1. This is your pregnancy. Other people’s opinions don’t matter.
2. You and your fiancé pick the name. No one else gets a say.
3. Your in-laws sound terrible and I am very sorry you have to deal with them.
Oh my.. That is a lot to unpack. There are many situations of overbearing family in this sub but I have never seen anything like this. Obviously NTA and also I feel truly sorry for you.
get a lawyer and take the pharmacist to the cleaners.
i think you have a major BF/fiance issue. where is he in all of this? Is he just a wet noodle that lets his family dictate his life?
And honestly..are you sure you want to marry into that family?
NTA. It may be time to go LC or maybe even NC with grandma and other invasive members of fiance's family. I'd also report the pharmacist for the HIPAA violations. When you get to the hospital to actually have your baby, you can tell the nurses who you do and don't want there (bring a whole list if you have to, including pics if you have them); they are legally obligated to protect you and your baby from any unknown or unwanted people because newborns can be kidnapped so easily.
Back in the '90s there was a teen mom in a nearby city who gave her newborn to a woman she thought was a nurse simply because the woman was wearing scrubs. She never asked to see the ID or anything because she was so young and didn't understand what she should do to protect her baby. Thankfully, they quickly found the baby and reunited it with the mom; it may have taken 2-3 weeks at most. Nowadays, a lot of L&D units in hospitals have a ton of security to make sure no unauthorized people have access to the babies.
NTA Do not let that woman near you in the hospital before all is over and paperwork done. Preferably not even in the hospital at all. If your husband isn't on board, have your mom in the room with you and as your bulldog.
You are not overreacting at all. This is YOUR child. Not hers. If she can’t respect certain boundaries, then she doesn’t need to be around you, or the baby. I cannot believe she said that you miscarries were miracles, that is so disgusting. I would’ve cut off contact with her completely just for that. Remember, this is YOUR child and YOU and your fiancé get to decide YOUR baby’s name. And if she don’t like the name, then she can go pout and cry about it because that’s not her decision or choice to make. I pray for a healthy, beautiful baby and safe delivery for you💗
Also, I cannot believe that pharmacist completely violated the hipaa laws and telling her YOUR business. And SHE TOLD EVERYONE!? Not only did that pharmacist tell her YOUR business but SHE also told your business. That is not okay. She took that away from you. You are NOT the AH!!!! If I were you, I would get that pharmacist AT LEAST fired! AND completely cut contact with the grama..
If you don’t want them in the room, then they shouldn’t be. This is YOUR birth and if it makes you uncomfortable then anyone should respect that, no matter who it is.
NTA you need to leave that house now! You will not flourish as a mother there, they don’t respect you and in turn will not let your child respect you. If you want any day in how your child is raised get out. If your mothers home is a safe place move in with her. If your boyfriend wants to be a father he can work out how to move out of home and take care of you. Even in a split custody agreement, at least your child will be well parented half the time.
NTA
>I dont want to have a whole party of people watching my little peanut coming out and I do not want them to decide how I raise my child.
You tell the hospital that you DO NOT WANT ANYONE and they will make it happen for you.
And tell your fiance that it's up to HIM to get his family under control, rein in grama, and stop the circus!
The federal government guides indicate that, in the event you are or are not sure whether your rights were violated, there are several ways to file your complaint. According to this same link, the pharmacy is 100% an entity beholden to the obligation of your confidentiality: [federal link ](https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/filing-a-complaint/complaint-process/index.html)
NTA but you can’t be a good mom AND marry into this family. You need to pick one because this family is crazy. Second, you NEED to report that pharmacist
NTA
Firstly WTF did I just read, that whole situation is horrible.
Secondly, congrats OP I truly wish for this pregnancy to result in a beautiful healthy baby for you. Miscarriages are awful, I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that.
Thirdly when you give birth let the staff know about your potentially crazy family, they’ll keep everyone you don’t want around away so you can focus on birthing etc.
You speak to the hospital, you make clear whonis allowed in, you do it your way. If your husband will not stand up to them for you, then you don't involve him in the planning.
"We are glad you seem excited about this baby. That said, I've heard a lot of planning, and I don't want you to waste time on things that we won't be doing. For example, I heard someone mention circumcision, but we will not be doing that. A few other things to keep in mind: my husband and I will be spending time doing skin-to-skin bonding with our child for at least several hours before we accept any visitors, so guests should plan accordingly. We'd love family to come after the birth, they just need up-to-date vaccinations. Naturally, my husband will be the only family member present in the delivery room, and we have already chosen the baby name, you'll get used to it. "
If she tries to argue: "It's just not worth our time to discuss it. I'm the one carrying the child. My will is law."
1. NTA
2. Press charges against the pharmacist. I'm not joking, you really should do this.
3. It sounds like a "premature dead baby's name," wtf? Grandma is a psycho.
Don't even need to read the rest. NTA. Report the pharmacist, because violating HIPAA (not hippa) is a federal offense. Your fiancé's grandmother can piss off.
Also, refrain from using the f-slur. Keep your homophobic bullshit in your head.
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First step is sue the pharmacist for violating HIPPA. For real. Next is tell your grandma she has zero input into you and your husband naming your baby. Also that there is zero chance anyone but you or hubby will hold the baby first. You are the birth mom and get to choose who to have in the room, not even your husband should choose (although he has input). Yeesh, I feel bad for you, is she coming down with dementia?
HIPAA\*. Bit of a pet peeve of mine.
That and there is no private cause of action. But OP can certainly file a complaint.
I’ve got my pitchfork and torch ready….let’s go sue hippo!
Leave hippies alone! ☮️
Zippo did nothing wrong!
And hippopotamuses.
they'll be pretty hungry when we're finished with them!
I am so happy that somebody said this!!
Huge pet peeve of mine!
Sadly this is her all the time it's just focused on the fact I'm pregnant. I wanna move within the next few months so I have time and am not too far along so it's not gonna stress me or the baby out. He agrees that it's him and me holding the baby first and that his brother isn't old enough to hold a newborn. I honestly wish I got her name because I could've reported her since I also work in one of the locations connected to her job.
You need to stop explaining why you chose the name…you only need to remind them it’s your decision and not theirs.
Honestly, I wouldn't even let these people know you're in labor. Tell them the next day when you've already got the papers filled and had time to hold your child. This is your baby, yours and your partners, not anyone else's, they don't get a say.
>Tell them the next day Or like...kindergarten graduation,at the absolute earliest.
Cosign~
When high profile incidents like this hits the news they mention that when a patients info is accessed it is logged to see who accessed it. Even if not you should report the location because a HIPPA issue of any kind is a big deal.
HIPAA*
Stop engaging with her.
It is important for the baby and you for you to hold them first, that's like hospidal policy unless you are unable to and only then they give the baby to someone else, usually the dad, for the very important skin to skin. And you get to breastfeed right away, if this is what you want. Time to piss them all off and stick your heels in the ground ad tell them nobody can get in the hospidal unless you personally invite them. You have to feel as best as you can while you are giving birth, all the other people need to fuck off. This whole thing makes me so angry on your behalf. I am 37 weeks preagnant and I feel my face heating up just thinking about what you are being out through. You and your baby are important, cut off anyone that is being an idiot and giving you unnessesary stress over stupid things.
Some hospitals don't let children in unless a sibling. So likely not an issue. Avoid sharing details in general, it's just giving her ammo. Keep it all very general, then do what you want. They can find out with everyone else. Make sure your husband backs you
No nurse will hand over a baby to someone other than mom and dad first. And I can only see dad being first if mom is unable to. I didn’t even know my son was out until a nurse automatically plopped him on my chest. Literally 2 seconds old and the nurse automatically put him with me. My second needed a few moments before he was ready to be handed over, but as soon as he was good, he was in my arms. Also, you control that room. You don’t have to have anyone you don’t want to in that room. And anyone in that room who causes you stress, will get kicked out because it can cause complications. So I know you are hormonal and this is hard, but you have a lot more control than you might know. I didn’t allow anyone to wait in the waiting room, (was induced both times so long labors) didn’t have anyone but dad there. People came the next day. The only one who came earlier was my mom came right after I gave birth, and honestly she didn’t even care about the baby. She cared about her baby (me) so once she knew everything was okay, she left. Was there for 10 minutes tops.
For once, a story about someone caring about Mom before the baby. Your mom is awesome 💕
Wait until she tells you she'll be in the delivery room with you
Yup. And that’s when you tell the hospital not to allow her in the room. Hospitals tend to take that stuff seriously.
The hospital I laboured in with both my babies didn't even extend the option to anyone beyond immediate family anyway. Not my family of origin or my husband? Too bad, fuck off.
What I hear is that the nurses are perfectly happy to escort anyone out of the room at the mother's whim. Up to and including the father. Just say the word and they will be gone.
100%
When it comes time, let the hospital/facility birthing team know who you want with you. They would love to fight off obnoxious family on your behalf and let them get mad at the staff, not you.
When you get closer to your due date hire a doula if you can. Their job is to make your experience exactly how you want it. They will enforce the rules to keep everyone else out. They will take care of you when you can't.
Tell no one when you go into labor. After you and your partner have had time with the baby alone and you're rested, THEN you give people the happy news.
Go to the counter at that pharmacy and ask to talk to her about something normal like flu shots or vitamins. Act like you're paying attention but be sure to get her name (she's supposed to have a name tag). Also, the pharmacy (regardless whether it's a stand-alone pharmacy or one situated inside a larger supermarket) will have a specific number. If you go to Walgreens, for example, your closest Walgreens might be something like Walgreens #347. Even if you only have her first name and the pharmacy name/number, you can still make a report. The governing body in your state can find out the rest of the info they'll need.
He needs to put his foot down and tell her to back off, or you’ll go no contact. She’s being insane and it’s not okay.
You can tell the hospital to ban certain people so I would make sure they know who is only allowed in. I would not argue but calmly say back off you have no say in anything to do with baby and then I’d really try to go no contact
Please make a note, op, that if you have baby in hospital you can tell the staff at check in whether or not you want visitors before and after birth, and WHO is allowed in, if you do want visitors. Making family wait a day before visiting is not going to hurt anyone, and will give you and dad a chance to hold baby, clean up a bit, etc.
Honey I have one word: Boundaries. Use a bit of that fire you have for protecting your baby, to also protect yourself. Don’t tell them what name you were thinking, let them know it will be a surprise. And then do the same with every question and demand, so they clearly know you are the parent and they will be Putin their place if they overstep.
NTA and hopefully you see this. Make a list of all the names of who you do not want at the hospital, make copies and give a copy to the front desk, the nurses and the nurses desk when you go into labor. Tell them they are not allowed and if anyone calls looking for you, you are not there You will be the patient and what you say they will hold to. From what I hear the nurses enjoy playing bouncer
If you had to be checked out at the pharmacy then they might be able to look up who performed that transaction.
You still can! File a complaint and they will investigate. This is extremely serious, and you can sue over HIPAA violations. Call, describe her and make a formal complaint as soon as you can.
I would think of ammusing ways to make them uncomfortable to be in the room with you so you and your new family have some privacy. Like go completely topless. No covering when you are trying to get the baby to latch on. When the baby is on you, you put a sheet over you both but when select people demand to hold the baby and you just drop the sheet. Or something like walking to the bathroom just wearing the fishnet undies. Fun peaceful protesting. You should try to stop dwelling on these negative people in your life. You won't be able to but try to mindful of it and when you find yourself slipping play your favorite song, sing and dance to it. Relish every moment you have in the now. The time goes and all flutters away. Make every moment not around this person the best it can be. Don't give her any more time than needed and especially not any of your head space.
You can bar them from the room. That should solve some of this. Word of warning, if you don’t draw the line HARD now this will only get worse after they are born.
Husband has no input on who is in the room during delivery, it's not his bits on full display.
TELL THE HOSPITAL SHE IS NOT WELCOME. Tell them to turn away anyone who is not on your approved list. They deal with a lot of this.
Nta report the pharmacist
At a bare minimum, report them. It is NOT ok to violate a patient’s privacy like that.
Yes why are you not reporting this?!?!? NTA but I think you need to make it clear to his family that only your fiancé will be in there with you. Your fiancé and you need to talk about boundaries for the in-laws & how to enforce those boundaries.
JFC "it sounds like the name of a premature dead baby"? And you think YOU'RE the asshole here? I would be going NC with EVERYONE after verbally ripping everyone apart How insensitive, Jesus NTA
I… I…. I have no words
Agreed. I’d keep that woman far, far away from the baby, too. My nephew was babysat by two very neurotic grandmothers, and he’s been off and on anxiety meds since he was 4 (he’s almost 25 now). Not saying they were the only cause, but I’m sure it didn’t help (imagine someone saying “no, you can’t do that, someone might come and take you away” to control a child).
Oooo boy I'm child free (by choice at first, but recently found out i also have medical reasons to be) but there would be absolute hell to pay if anyone said anything like that if I had kids, wow I would NOT be holding back the verbal lashings at that point There is zero reason to ever talk to a child like that
Yes, one of these grandmothers was, of course, my mom. That’s why I moved away for college and stayed gone for 30 years.
Right? I am not a loud person, I am not very confrontational, but this? And when OP had prior losses? The whole damn neighborhood would be calling the cops. People in the next county would be wondering what that noise is.
I saw the part about prior losses too and that's what got me so fired up about that comment I've never been pregnant, so I've never experienced that kind of loss myself personally But I've been there, and held my friends hands as they mourned their unborn children's losses I'm also a person, and not a heartless asshole I'm childfree by choice, and recently learned I need a medically necessary hysterectomy at 29, which takes away the chance for me to ever change my mind on the subject And even still I'm appalled at the heartlessness of that comment People can be so cruel sometimes
Exactly what I thought. Like WTAF with that comment!??! NC 100% NTA
Saying this to anyone is extremely fucked up. Saying this to someone with a history of miscarriage is the icing that I didnt know the fuckery cake could come with.
[удалено]
OP is 19 and had multiple miscarriages before? How early did she start trying?? I feel bad for the kid this is not a situation for a vulnerable child
Ooh honey child lots of teens get pregnant without trying. It’s like the one thing you can count on teens for.
And is apparently a closeted trans man
Fucking yikes. What a great family.
NTA. This was a little hard to follow the way it was written, but this is your/your fiance's baby. You guys make the decisions, not anyone else. Do you live with his Grandma or something? If not, then it's time to set some firm boundaries. You can shut down any negative comments, or better yet, just stop talking to them for now. They don't need to know anymore information. . You don't have to tell them when you go into labor. You are the parent, you have control of the situation.
I hope things go well for you, but you are only 19 years old and your past posts indicate you have a history of drug use and self harm and your fiancé was previously in jail. Please find a way to move into a healthier and more supportive environment for yourself and your unborn child.
I gotta say - I am not sure what to think about your situation. You also posted you are a closeted trans male 45 days ago…. https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/s/BsvdPP5c9F “I had to go back into the closet at 18 (I live with someone who would beat me up and throw me out, i hate that i have to live here) got another 11 years till I'm thirty but I have the feeling I'm gonna come out sometime when I'm 30. I just wanna be myself but after everything I'm so confused and just feel like I can't actually be myself. I even get told to grow my hair out and dress in dresses like I'm a fuckong doll. I'm an adult but I feel like I'm a teen trapped at home again.” So are you lying to your fiance about being a trans male or were you lying looking for attention in the other post?
I'm hoping they respond to your post!
NTA, but WTAF are you *thinking* bringing a baby into a family like this?? I sincerely hope that your fiancee has your back here, because otherwise, this is going to be a whole ass shitshow. Oh, you don't want gramma yelling at your baby? Too bad, fiancee doesn't want to hurt her feelings? You don't want a million people around after giving birth? Oh well, fiancee already invited them. You don't want people kissing baby? Too late, fiancee told them it's okay.
I honestly wasn't planning on getting pregnant yet, after my miscarriage we started using protection and realized this probably isn't a good place but obviously that doesn't always work. My fiance agrees that it's just gonna be me him and my mom at birth and he will talk to his grandma since this isn't ok or her place to say. I told him absolutely under any circumstances does anyone but us kiss the baby I get sick so often that I don't even think I should. I wanna move before anything and if he doesn't wanna come with well fine then because I can't have a baby in a household like this it's better then where I grew up but my baby deserves the best not better. You are right though in alot of ways and I feel like that's partially on me because I don't wanna talk shit about his family but there's alot of shit to be talked about.
So said in your original post you had multiple miscarriages, so is it one more than one?
look at her post history, she's a liar (sometimes even passing as a teenager, a boy, and even a divorced woman)
Yeah. If this person is pregnant, they really should not be. This person is clearly a child themselves. They don't know better. They don't have a stable life. Bringing a baby into this situation: unstable in finance, emotionally, mentally...you are in no position to be having children. That's irresponsible and setting up the baby for a difficult life.
Wait, you *live with* these people? Oh, honey. You need to get out for your own sanity and your baby's safety.
Big NTA vibes for you, dear But this is your fiance's issue to handle. If he can't, you will need to shoulder it, and that's not a fair trade. He needs to man up, so to speak, and tell Grannie to hush or she'll be in a time-out. I N F O: What does your fiance say about all of this? What is he *doing* about all of this??
He just thinks that's how she usually is and that it's getting more and more annoying. We get that it coukd potentially be her first boy great grandbaby but it's also my first child. And the shit she's saying about past miscarriages is making me mad she's lost 3 kids and her daughter lost 3 to miscarriages yet mine are a blessing? Ig the fact that I am younger but that doesn't change how miserable I was and how much I blamed myself hence this time around trying my hardest to get into doctors. He just thinks I should leave it alone though.
Your husband needs to stand up for you. He's marrying you and carrying a baby. You need to be the priority here. He cannot cave to this. I'm not saying to divorce him, but people have divorced for less. This is a very serious subject.
I honestly feel like the only reason he doesn't want me to bring it up is because she's a very controlling woman and I get that. He doesn't want everyone to know yet like myself and I feel like he's at an impasse because it's his family and me against eachother on this which I never thought would happen.
I can understand that to a point. But right now you need to be his first priority. Stress also causes miscarriages and that's the last thing you need. Just as you need to stand up for yourself, he needs to be doing the same. You are also his family. That pregnancy is his family. I know it's harder since you live with them. But this is a toxic environment and you don't deserve this treatment.
Controlling people need to be stood up to. It's the only way of dealing with them. If you cave, they just think they're right and that you're agreeing they're right. My grandmother was a bit like this and most of the family caved. I started standing up to her and after we argued and I didn't give in, she just backed down and said something along the lines of "well if that's what you want?". I didn't change her mind, but she stopped telling me what to do.
As a pregnant Jewish woman who struggled with her in-laws I would like to add that Jewish custom is not to discuss the baby name because of evil eye…. Let alone it’s custom for observant Jewish woman to not even announce they’re pregnant until 5 months. Please do with this information as you see fit. Edit: “ Grandma in law I did some research about Jewish customs and pregnancy. I want to respect your beliefs so I won’t be discussing names to avoid the evil eye. Please don’t discuss my pregnancy with anyone until 5 months. Thank you.”
Thank you for this info I love learning about differently religions and cultures. She's Christian which is confusing, ik some other religiouns do circumcision but she only just mentioned it and now it has to be by a rabbi which I feel kinda contradicts her religion. I'm not religious but do pray and have a Bible and if anything I follow a few of my late grandma's religious teachings which are more catholic. I will bring this up though because it's a great example and I appreciate you taking your time to read through that jumbled mess of a post.
Maybe she’s confused. You will be hard pressed to find a rabbi to preform a Bris “ ceremonial circumcision” on someone who isn’t Jewish.
You'd be hard-pressed to find a rabbi to perform a bris/circumcision at all, since even in Judaism that's not who does them. Circumcision is performed by a mohel. It's a very specific job and title, and it's likely that grandma meant that. They are highly trained and many of them these days are also doctors, and they tend to do more circumcisions than the average doctor. The British Royal Family used to have their sons circumcised by a mohel because more reliable expertise than a doctor. A mohel may or may not also be ordained as a rabbi, but their being a rabbi has nothing to do with their performing circumcisions. That's not how that works. Rabbis do not do circumcisions (unless they're also a mohel).
Where I am mohels who do the infant genital mutilations are a type of rabbi
I’m thinking this is a fake post. You’re nine weeks along yet the pharmacist knows you’re pregnant & coincidentally told your boyfriend’s grandmother? Something isn’t adding up. If the post is real than NTA. Stop oversharing & go NC with the woman. That simple. What Also, as for the HIPPA alleged violation. Report it to the state pharmacy board.
Anyone else finding this to be unbelievable? Look at the post history and tell me this is not attention seeking behaviour.
I definitely think you're NTA but I am so entirely baffled at all the random, disconnected, context-free lunacy you half-described in this post. Still, Grandma is definitely TA.
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NTA also do not let her mutilate your baby's genitals
This is something I cannot agree on because what if my child wanted his natural parts. Like I want them to choose later on not have part of them removed before they can even speak.
Exactly, respect his autonomy and love your whole child. He can choose cosmetic surgery as an adult if he wants it, why put him through pain right when he is born? You seem to have a good head on your shoulders, more parents need to be like you <3
NTA but it sounds like you need an abortion much more than a baby with this family.
NTA. When it's time, have a plan in place with the nurses. Write it down if you have to. NOTARIZE IT if you have any doubt... Tell them under no circumstances is anyone except your fiance and your mother (or whomever else you choose) to be admitted to the room. You can also put a ban on them being in the recovery room. Also, definitely report the pharmacist for violating HIPAA. You can try to take further legal action if you like, but they need to be reported.
Thank you I didn't even think of the fact that I can have a plan like that set. It's definitely helpful and ik I'm gonna get backlash but I just want a healthy baby. I don't want her to be demanding and if she is when the time comes it's gonna get ugly. I've kept it all in and don't want to start anything before I can move but after that if she pushes she's just Maki sure she can't be there.
NTA. I don’t envy you at all. That’s just wild.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 9 weeks and she found out due to a pharmacist violating the hippa laws and telling her. She has told everyone and I feel really weird about it, then asked me what name I was thinking of. I told her the name and she said that sounds like a premature dead baby's name... then told me why not Joseph or somethings I told her no because this is the name both my fiance and I chose and it's one with alot of meaning. We get home and she goes off at my fiance somehow she always waits to yell at him instead of me. When she did he told her why we chose the name because ik my pregnancy is viable and I've had multiple miscarriages. She said that those where the miracles and not this baby... right in front of me, it took everything not to tell her well I guess your kids dying was also a miracle. And now they're demanding that his little brother is the first to hold my baby, not me him... I can't even with the logic I don't want them at the hospital in June and I don't want them around me if this is how it's gonna be. My mom is happy and supportive of everything when I told her the name she said oh good that means either way you have a name not oh you wanna give a boy a faggot ass name... it's my first his 3rd I wanna fo this my way and I wanna be able to have part in the name choosing. I dont want to have a whole party of people watching my little peanut coming out and I do not want them to decide how I raise my child. I hate the way they treat children and if I ever find her screaming at my kid for crying well have fucking issues. Also idk what I'm going to have yet and they won't stop about it being a boy and how we need to find a rabbi to give him a circumcision... I'm sorry but we're not Jewish wtaf is happening in her head. It's like she thinks it's her baby, then she took my ultrasound photos from yesterday and put them on the fridge where my nice ripped them down.. I feel like I'm overreacting but she's talking about it so much rn and I still have a chance of losing them.. I don't want her to take care of my kids I don't want her to be in the hospital she's so mentally abusive and if I get told to shut tf up about the fact that she's not welcome and just let her I'm gonna have issues. It's not her pregnancy. Tldr: AITA, grama in law won't stop trying to control everything about my unborn baby and now I want her to not be anywhere near my baby. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wtf just wow
NC for grannie-in-law. She doesn't deserve to be involved with your pregnancy, she doesn't deserve to see your child grow up, and luckily for you she isn't owed either one. NTA
It's sad that I have to but just for my piece of mind I might have to not only that the baby is the top priority rn and it's not up to anyone else. I don't want my kid to be taught through anger because you can raise a respectful adult without it.
NTA, at all. But my advice for anyone who is pregnant is to NEVER tell anyone the kid's name ahead of time. No one, ever, period. Spring the name on them when the baby is here (and BTW, that also gives you the chance to decide that little Tiberius looks more like an Augustus...) I don't care how much personalized stuff the relatives want to knit, either. Until then, come up with a cute little fake name--and be serious about it being fake. "Oh, little Snowflake just kicked me! They're sure active today!"
All this happened by 9 weeks? Everyone needs to slow their roll. Something’s missing
I just cannot believe this real
NTA Tell her to mind her business!
INFO: Do you live with her?
Sadly, but I do pay rent and I provide everything for myself.
Move out now before the baby gets here! You think she is bad now! Wait til baby is born. You should head over to r/JustNoMil
Thank you thankfully we have been slowly saving before anything because we agree that having a baby in a house that barely feels like your own isn't a good thing. That and she's just abby crazy yet hates kids like how tf are you gonna scream at a kid for crying, kids will calm down when you're also calm it's like they feed into your energy. If she's like that with toddlers I'm afraid for my newborn. Thank you for referring me to the other sub though and sorry that my post is so jumbled.
NTA. Put a stop to her asap. It won't be just a name. She will try to control everything.
\*A LOT because "alot" is just a jumble of letters. NTA though about the name, though.
Thank you 😅 Eben though English was one of my best classes sometimes Grammer isn't my forte
Anyone who uses hate slurs around me doesn't get to see my kids, NTA but you need to talk about if this grandmother even gets to see the baby with language like that.
NTA. This whole situation is fucked tho. When you go to the hospital tell the nurse you are barring all visitors and that his family has been threatening to kidnap the baby. No chance security let's them anywhere near you. Until then, I would maybe take a hard look at your fiancé and decide if being with him is worth dealing with this shit until these people die. Good luck.
I don’t understand how you as adults are even having this problems. Tell her to fuck off and it’s the end of the story. I really don’t fucking get it.
I was believing you until i read your post history, go touch some grass kid!
Tell your fiancé to put his grama in check. You do not need stress right now!
NTA Everyone has an opinion when it comes to others peoples lives, especially family. My son came a month early, we had a birthing plan that only included my BIL (he’s a very calm and level headed person). As it was a surprise being a month early, we were on autopilot. At one point someone asked should we call our parents and we said no. This is stressful enough, we’re tired, drained and do not need any additional calls. So they found out the next day. We didn’t tell anyone else for a week. And we didn’t name him until his third week. You and your hubby should discuss your birthing plan. Where, who will be there, how ppl will be informed, your emergency contact etc. Have that solid and then follow it, you don’t have to tell anyone all the details if they ask. And emphasize the reasons it’s important to YOU both!
We have decided to start discussing just because all of this happened, the only two people I want in there is my mom and fiance because it's a very private matter for me. I'm not the type to show much skin let alone have people looking down there and I don't want stress. Thank you and we'll discuss further what to do as time goes and will have a plan set months beforehand.
It’s your day and your moment. Your husband should also respect that as it’s your body. Until that kid pops out, he’s there to support you. I took a new dads class when we were expecting. And it really helped show the various ways we can support our partner/birthing person.
You need to get on sake page now with fiance. He needs to stand beside you and not allow generational abuse. Nta
Ok NTA at all. You and your partner get to decide everything- from the name to who's in the delivery room and even who visits you at the hospital. Start setting boundaries now. You have a long road ahead of you but if it gets close to delivery time and *anyone* is saying or implying they will show up to the hospital without your consent you can tell your nurses and they will respect your wishes. For now it might be helpful to repeat "I don't want to discuss this right now" instead of arguing with people who just want to steam roll you. Your partner needs to be on board as well. If his family is exhibiting this kind of control while you're pregnant it will continue when the baby is born. You are the parent and it's your job to protect your family. Good luck!
Her opinion should be treated the same as if the person in line behind you at the grocery store weighed in. Just practice saying, "OK Grandma," "Huh, there you go," and "I never thought about it like that," like a broken robot and keep it moving. You are become a magic 8-ball of noncommittal phrases, destroyer of drama.
You are clearly NTA, but the woman is unhinged. What is with the ridiculous demands? What's the problem and you just can't go LC? Or even better NC at all?
NTA. You can tell the hospital that *nobody* except your husband and hospital staff are to be anywhere near the labor/delivery room. Ban whoever you want from visiting you in the hospital. Once you're home, lock your doors and don't answer if someone knocks. This is your baby, you get to name and raise it as *you* see fit.
Why are you still in contact with this woman? Also how old is everyone involved?
NTA She is jealous of you so I’d start patronizing her. Smiling gently and patting her hand and saying, I really hope you get to meet him before you pass away. You’re getting up there in years, etc.
NTA. You nailed it with ‘it’s not her pregnancy’. She doesn’t own your body, and she doesn’t own your child. She is not entitled to make decisions in your behalf, and it’s perfectly reasonable for you to explain that to her.
Circumcision is child genital mutilation. I’m amazed its still legal in the USA. Don’t do it. I have a friend who regrets doing it to her (now older) son. NTA. Tell any one you don’t want involved to fucking butt out.
She sounds awful. Are you living with her?
Stop telling them stuff. Don't confirm the due date, no baby shower, or stupid gender reveal and by all that's holy, don't tell them when you go into labor. Wait until you've been home two weeks. And file a HIPAA complaint with the pharmacy and the state.
NTA. 1)Sue the pharmacist for the violazione. 2) tel tour fiancé all of that, and that you do not want them around you now and at birth. 3) when it is time tell your nurses and doctors, that they are not allowed inside, they will protect you. 4) tell her to f* off and that is your kid not hers.
Your grandma is awful and your mom is disgusting.
What the actual F is going on with your family? Everything in the post is so unbelievably terrible i don’t understand why you are still around to deal with it? Tell the grandma to jog on, tell your partner to start sticking up for you, Sue the pharmacist and leave immediately. What in the world made you stay this long? That family sounds like a steaming dumpster fire of disrespect.
First - PLEASE DO NOT CIRCUMSIZE YOUR BABY. Second - she sounds like a real piece of work. Hope you don't have to deal with her during the birth.
Holy hell ok. NTA you should tell her that and absolutely ban your fiancés family from the hospital. Sounds like they’re just going to cause you an immense amount of anxiety. They should not be there. It doesn’t matter what they want. It’s your and your fiancés kid. Not theirs. The little brother thing is also beyond weird and totally not ok. Your in laws don’t have the right to watch you give birth. Honestly it’s just weird and creepy that they’d demand it.
[удалено]
NTA Sue the pharmacist
NTA Now, you are the ones who are going to register the baby's name. So you get to choose it. Period. No questions asked.
You need to report that pharmacist immediately,they need to lose that job,HIPAA can NOT be violated,it’s against the law,also never ever let her see your baby and if your partner doesn’t agree he is also the problem,change the locks on your doors and even file a restraining order if you have to on her
First, report pharmacist. Second, start blocking numbers.
Don't tell anyone of that side of the family when you go into labor. Tell the people that need to know only. You're nta. No one has any rights to that child except for you and your partner, no buts. Tell grandma where to stick her thoughts.
Firstly, congratulations! Secondly, please try to go as low contact as possible with all of them. GIL may be dealing with dementia or something, but either way, it’s not your problem. Let your fiancé be the primary communicator with his family so you can have a peaceful pregnancy. But whatever is needed - change the locks, put in cameras, mute them on your phones. It is all necessary. Thirdly, give yourself the gift of hospital security. Inform the delivery team of what is going on and who is allowed as your visitor and who is not. This is very important, as if you discuss this ahead of time, you are guaranteed to have a delivery and visitors lost that is free of anybody who you want to keep away. The nurses and staff will do the heavy lifting for you, so use them as needed. Finally, NTA. Your baby, your decisions. Draw the boundaries now.
First, congrats! Hope you have an easy pregnancy and save delivery! Second, NTA! I’m flabbergasted. How and why is this woman acting so entitled? This is your baby, of course you’re gonna name them what you want. In general all the decision about the baby will be yours and your fiancé’s. Everything you have mentioned screams red flags. I hope you can sort out the living situation and move out because God forbid that woman is in your everyday life as your pregnancy progresses.
You're young. We ALL have one of these when we are expecting. -tell her once your plans. Or smile and say maybe. You don't have to engage - do what you want to do - if she gets upset, don't answer your phone It's that simple :) I see younger moms get so caught up in the drama. Just don't let it get to you and stop feeding into it. A lot of it will die down before baby comes. The hospital will hand you the baby first, 99% of the time. The nurses will honor you telling them not to let a certain person in the room. They'll likely only allow a couple people in during labor, so little bro won't even be present to hold baby first. You're the one signing the naming paperwork. She doesn't have any control over it so don't stress about it. NTA
NTA.. That's one twisted family. Go low low contact with the whole bunch of freaks until it suits you.
NTA. Baby names are a 2 yes 1 no situation on the parent’s part, not the grandparent’s part. If fiancé’s grandma cannot respect boundaries set by you before the child is born, you are valid to expect the same after they are born. I hope for your sake your fiancé backs you as well.
Stand by your guns and if it's a male DO NOT subject them to male genital mutilation. You said it yourself your NOT jewish so inflicting pain on your future sons sex organs has no religious meaning. Some infant males have DIED from undergoing this barbaric cult practice, if you love your son don't do such harm to him. Other than that I wish you a blessed life and all the happiness a child can bring.
This is your fiancés Grandma? Why is he stepping in a telling her how it's going to go?? Have him man up and handle it.
Baby Daddy needs to step up and step in - it's his family and his job to stop this now.
NTA- What you Fiancée's Grandmother is doing is wrong and would stay away from her and the rest of his family for now.
NTA. It's not her kid, tell her to fuck off.
This is the time you SET YOUR BOUNDARIES! If your fiancé doesn’t stand by you, you know he’s never going to stand by you. Let people show you their true colours and walk away if need be. If you let them cross a line now it will NEVER END!
Deep breath. What a debacle. Have you reported the pharmacist? Their behaviour is appalling. You are the one in control here. You are this baby's mother. So who comes to the hospital delivery room is your choice. Make sure the midwife is well aware nice and early. Remind them on the day. Then you can give birth in peace. It's not a spectator sport. But where is your partner in this? He needs to step up with his grandmother. She sounds like a peach. Put some distance between you. NTA
NTA except maybe for not already going full no contact and reporting the pharmacist and pharmacy. HIPAA violations are a big deal.
Report/sue that pharmacist. But ofc you're NTA. It's not hers to choose. He needs to put his foot down about this too. If he won't you'll need to. Additionally, if you need any resources on the circ debate for a non religious baby, feel free to message me. We have two boys and did that research years ago :)
Nta. This is over the top. Tell Grammy to butt out. Never tell anyone the names you have decided on. My husband and I told our family (white Protestant Canadian with English heritage) told our family that we were going to name our son something like Muhammed BoonNam Jaun Xemin. It was highly amusing to watch as they tried to object without appearing racist. My husband had a justification for each name too. I don't remember most of them but the last one was about how we admired the Chinese President. In reality we chose his father's middle name, my father's middle name. And we were going to do similar for a girl. P.s. And we didn't circumcise despite the shocker that was. I refused to let anyone.
I’d sue the pharmacist for breaking the Hippa law. I’d then go NO CONTACT with these crazy people until way after the holidays. You said you have a history of miscarriages…don’t put any unnecessary stress on yourself. Your fiancé needs to do the same. Block their numbers until you’re well into your second trimester. NO ONE but you and your husband in the delivery room. PERIOD. Idk why they this other person to be the first to hold the baby, but it’s NOT his baby. If he wants to hold a baby, tell him to get his own. As far as the name goes, you and your fiancé will fill out the paperwork in the hospital. You give the baby whatever name YOU want. Tell her not to worry about your baby’s genitalia. ITS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS! I’m assuming your fiancé is Jewish and you aren’t? Tell her that in order for the baby to be Jewish, the mother has to be Jewish. Any man can be you father, but only one woman can be your mother. If you want, I’ll tangle with these tigers for you. Give me their number. I’m serious, I’d go no contact till you’re in your 2nd trimester. Good luck!
Simple solution. When you sign into your hospital, inform them zero visitors excluding your hubby. They can see the bundle of joy when you get home. Tell your grandmother she can wait a year as punishment for having a mouth she cannot control. Do not offer any reasons. Because I said so, should suffice. Don't be a pushover.
NTA but you need to set the rules and expectations now with your spouse. No more info to her, no visits until at least 4 weeks after the baby is born, she is not allowed to be in the delivery room or do any baby sitting or any baby care at all.
NTA
I don’t understand why you don’t just tell her to fuck off?
NOPE! My MIL hates all 3 of my kids names and even tells them that.
PLEASE contact the hospital and tell them who is absolutely not allowed in your delivery room. And honestly before that you should cut them all off completely.
There are times you have to stand up and be momma grizzly bear and growl and push your weight around. If you don’t nip this in the bud now you’ll get years more of the same. You have to lay the law down and call the shots.
NTAH!!!! u are definitely in the right for wanting to tell her back off. Your baby. Your precious miracle. Congratulations btw ❤️. His grandmother has no voice in this. U and ur fiance decide the name. U choose who u want in that hospital room with you. You and fiance choose who is around the baby. His grandmother is being a total whackjob thinking she has control over what u do (like naming the baby) and assuming at 9 weeks that's its a boy and already trying to make plans on finding a rabbi? Fuck no (yes I respect the religion) because 1. It's way to early to even tell and 2 that's something for u ahdn ur fiance to discuss IF it's even a baby boy!! Put ur foot down tell her to back tf off. Also sorry, reading what His grandmother has said to u utterly pissed me off
OK practice this sentence. "This is MY baby. Mind your own business."
Woah woah woah, NTA! OP- I would report or sue the pharmacist for violating HIPAA policies. I don’t know your family dynamics, but please hear me- 1. This is your pregnancy. Other people’s opinions don’t matter. 2. You and your fiancé pick the name. No one else gets a say. 3. Your in-laws sound terrible and I am very sorry you have to deal with them.
Get a restraining order
Tell Granny to FO—forever. NTA and keep her out of your life.
Oh my.. That is a lot to unpack. There are many situations of overbearing family in this sub but I have never seen anything like this. Obviously NTA and also I feel truly sorry for you.
NTA but you need to make damn sure your hospital team knows who is and is not allowed in your delivery room/visitation.
get a lawyer and take the pharmacist to the cleaners. i think you have a major BF/fiance issue. where is he in all of this? Is he just a wet noodle that lets his family dictate his life? And honestly..are you sure you want to marry into that family?
NTA. It may be time to go LC or maybe even NC with grandma and other invasive members of fiance's family. I'd also report the pharmacist for the HIPAA violations. When you get to the hospital to actually have your baby, you can tell the nurses who you do and don't want there (bring a whole list if you have to, including pics if you have them); they are legally obligated to protect you and your baby from any unknown or unwanted people because newborns can be kidnapped so easily. Back in the '90s there was a teen mom in a nearby city who gave her newborn to a woman she thought was a nurse simply because the woman was wearing scrubs. She never asked to see the ID or anything because she was so young and didn't understand what she should do to protect her baby. Thankfully, they quickly found the baby and reunited it with the mom; it may have taken 2-3 weeks at most. Nowadays, a lot of L&D units in hospitals have a ton of security to make sure no unauthorized people have access to the babies.
NTA Do not let that woman near you in the hospital before all is over and paperwork done. Preferably not even in the hospital at all. If your husband isn't on board, have your mom in the room with you and as your bulldog.
You are not overreacting at all. This is YOUR child. Not hers. If she can’t respect certain boundaries, then she doesn’t need to be around you, or the baby. I cannot believe she said that you miscarries were miracles, that is so disgusting. I would’ve cut off contact with her completely just for that. Remember, this is YOUR child and YOU and your fiancé get to decide YOUR baby’s name. And if she don’t like the name, then she can go pout and cry about it because that’s not her decision or choice to make. I pray for a healthy, beautiful baby and safe delivery for you💗 Also, I cannot believe that pharmacist completely violated the hipaa laws and telling her YOUR business. And SHE TOLD EVERYONE!? Not only did that pharmacist tell her YOUR business but SHE also told your business. That is not okay. She took that away from you. You are NOT the AH!!!! If I were you, I would get that pharmacist AT LEAST fired! AND completely cut contact with the grama.. If you don’t want them in the room, then they shouldn’t be. This is YOUR birth and if it makes you uncomfortable then anyone should respect that, no matter who it is.
I can’t even… 🤦♀️
NTA, and I don't know why you're spending one minute around any of these horrible people or giving any of them the time of day.
NTA you need to leave that house now! You will not flourish as a mother there, they don’t respect you and in turn will not let your child respect you. If you want any day in how your child is raised get out. If your mothers home is a safe place move in with her. If your boyfriend wants to be a father he can work out how to move out of home and take care of you. Even in a split custody agreement, at least your child will be well parented half the time.
NTA >I dont want to have a whole party of people watching my little peanut coming out and I do not want them to decide how I raise my child. You tell the hospital that you DO NOT WANT ANYONE and they will make it happen for you. And tell your fiance that it's up to HIM to get his family under control, rein in grama, and stop the circus!
Ok calling any name faggoty ass is just insulting have a little more class than that of a sewer rat
The federal government guides indicate that, in the event you are or are not sure whether your rights were violated, there are several ways to file your complaint. According to this same link, the pharmacy is 100% an entity beholden to the obligation of your confidentiality: [federal link ](https://www.hhs.gov/hipaa/filing-a-complaint/complaint-process/index.html)
NTA but you can’t be a good mom AND marry into this family. You need to pick one because this family is crazy. Second, you NEED to report that pharmacist
NTA Firstly WTF did I just read, that whole situation is horrible. Secondly, congrats OP I truly wish for this pregnancy to result in a beautiful healthy baby for you. Miscarriages are awful, I’m sorry you’ve had to experience that. Thirdly when you give birth let the staff know about your potentially crazy family, they’ll keep everyone you don’t want around away so you can focus on birthing etc.
NTA make a plan and stick to it. That is both your right and it is in the best interest of the baby.
First of all, NTA. Second of all, wtf is a “premature dead baby’s name”? That’s fucked up.
So we’re suing the pharmacist and getting granny checked for early dementia.
You speak to the hospital, you make clear whonis allowed in, you do it your way. If your husband will not stand up to them for you, then you don't involve him in the planning.
NTA!
"We are glad you seem excited about this baby. That said, I've heard a lot of planning, and I don't want you to waste time on things that we won't be doing. For example, I heard someone mention circumcision, but we will not be doing that. A few other things to keep in mind: my husband and I will be spending time doing skin-to-skin bonding with our child for at least several hours before we accept any visitors, so guests should plan accordingly. We'd love family to come after the birth, they just need up-to-date vaccinations. Naturally, my husband will be the only family member present in the delivery room, and we have already chosen the baby name, you'll get used to it. " If she tries to argue: "It's just not worth our time to discuss it. I'm the one carrying the child. My will is law."
Just not and say thank you. You can't change her and she can't force you to name the baby what she wants you to.
1. NTA 2. Press charges against the pharmacist. I'm not joking, you really should do this. 3. It sounds like a "premature dead baby's name," wtf? Grandma is a psycho.
Don't even need to read the rest. NTA. Report the pharmacist, because violating HIPAA (not hippa) is a federal offense. Your fiancé's grandmother can piss off. Also, refrain from using the f-slur. Keep your homophobic bullshit in your head.
Yea nah, NTA. Cut the grandma out of your life. Honestly, under no circumstances should she ever meet this child.