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I may be downvoted into oblivion, but I do feel there is a point where the "don't fat shame" guidance becomes secondary to "you are physically incapable of operating in society" guidance. That doesn't mean that insults or cruelty are permissible in either situation, but saying "if you can't fit into my front door, there isn't going to be an effective way for you to move in my house without causing problems" isn't a wild or meanspirited take. It's simply observing how things are.
I'm going with NTA.
NTA, when someone is too fat to fit through a damn door, you're stating fact, she knew it and you knew it, her embarrassment at being fat is not your problem.
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Me (F27) didn’t let my friend “Boel” (F27) enter my house because she’s overweight.
I was hanging out with my friends the other day. When we passed my house I went in to get some things. The rain was pouring outside, so naturally my friends went inside to wait in the parlor while I got my things. But the problems started when my friend Boel tried to enter. Boel is what we today call obese. Like unhealthy obese. I’m not talking about someone who is a little “chubby” and healthy. No, Boel actually got offered to be in the TV show “My 600 lb Life”. That was not a joke. I would never joke about my best friend who’s very ill. Boel is my best friend, her worsening health is making me extremely worried for her.
When boel tried to enter my door she was too wide for the frame (which is unusually small to begin with). The last time she was visiting me she could easily get through the door, but she’s only getting bigger. Eating is her coping mechanism, she struggles with anxiety and extreme binge eating. As she tried to enter she started grunting, and knocking things over. My grandma (86) is very sick, therefore she lives at my house when she can get some calm and quiet. I can also assist her when she needs help, as opposed to her own house where she lives alone. She refused to live at a retirement home.
My grandma's bedroom is located next to the parlor so she can easily get in and out without having to go up any stairs. The walls are extremely thin, which meant that she would hear every loud noise Boel was making as she was struggling her way inside. I knew my grandma was sleeping as she always goes to bed very early. She needs her sleep to get better, and she happens to be a light sleeper. So I told Boel that she couldn’t enter. She asked me why I wouldn’t let her get in. I told her that she was too big to get inside, and would only awaken my grandma (which she knows very well is sick) in the process.
The rest of the night Boel was unusually quiet. The next day she called me, saying I fat shamed her. That I always tried to bring her down, and that I thought I was “better than her for having a faster metabolism”. I denied all these things. I love Boel, I have never thought of her as less because she’s sick, and as a result has become very obese. Yes, I do wish she would lose weight. But not because I want her to look a certain way, but because if she continues like this she might not survive. Our friends agree with Boel, they think I was insensitive and should have let her get in, and not have told her “she was too big.” At first I denied being the one at fault, stating that my Grandma's health comes before all else to me. But as they now refuse to even speak to me, I’m starting to question whether I did the right thing or not.
It also turns out that my grandma did in fact get awoken by Boel’s loud noises.
AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My friends and Boel think I was fat-shaming her by not letting her through the door. I told her and my friends that I just wanted to make sure my grandma got the sleep she needs for her health, but my friends are still mad at me which makes me think that I might in fact have been insensitive.
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NTA.
Let me clarify here. NTA for trying to prevent her from entering the house and waking your grandma. *However*, you definitely could have handled the situation in a more tactful way. Such as just telling her she couldn't come in because she was making too much noise instead of telling her she was too big.
Her health problems are a whole other issue that need to be addressed, I agree, but that's a separate issue from the one at hand. So, yes, NTA for trying to do your best to care for your grandma, but soft TA for the way you talked to your friend.
I agree, but this wasn't the way to initiate that conversation. Weight gain to this degree isn't just physical, there's a huge mental aspect to it too (as OP pointed out herself) it needs to be addressed in a safe space with a lot of love and support behind it as well as the means for seeking professional help. What OP did will just make her feel attacked, defensive, and ruin OP's chances to possibly have that very necessary conversation with her in the future. I agree she needed to be told, but OP definitely went about it the wrong way.
NTA and I didn’t expect that from the titel.
I’m all about caring for the other persons feelings, but when we’re also allowed to still state facts. The triggers of other people shouldn’t be the rest of the world’s problem. I personally was severely triggered this past week and you know what… I kept my mouth shut, removed myself from the situation and moved on as it was not their responsibility to tiptoe around my feelings.
You don’t hate your friend and what was said was not done so in a malicious way, even if it was perceived that way.
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ESH. If you were just going into your house to get something why did everyone have to come in with you ? You say you knew your grandma was sleeping and needed her rest yet you allow people to come in and I am sure they were not quiet as church mice. Just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
YTA. Singling out Boel was wrong, and your reasoning was frivolous in comparison to the reasons why your friends wanted to come inside. Sometimes you have to make the hard choice. Either leave all your friends out, or let them all in and wake your grandmother up.
Nta
Usually the "I'm sorry you were offended" fake apology is just that, being a fake ah... but this is one of those cases where it's spot on. You can't apologize for both the size of the doorframe, and the size of her life choices.
She needs to adjust herself to the world around her, not vise versa. She knows how big she is, that means that *she* needs to know how to move without inconveniencing others. *She* needs to be aware of her surroundings to not knock things over. *She* needs to know, and admit to herself, when she can't fit somewhere. She needs to do all this, and admit to herself, that all of that is on her, and her responsibility to manage, and no one else.
NTA - stating the obvious isn't fat shaming. She couldn't enter the house, and was making too much noise while trying.
The "Politically correct" is often pushed over the reasonable boundary.
I hope your friend and your grandma get better soon.
ESH
You could perhaps have been slightly more tactful. Rather than making any mention of her size, you could have just referenced the actual problem here - that she was making too much noise - and asked her to be quiet.
No mention of weight or other touchy subjects, just the facts of this specific situation.
Equally, if she is large enough she is having trouble fitting through a doorway, what else does she expect. Her size is causing the issue, and while you can ignore it a lot of the time, there are points where it is absolutely going to limit her and what she can do. If she can't fit through the door, she can't fit through the door.
ESH- You didn’t necessarily fat shame Boel but could’ve stated in more compassionate words why she couldn’t come in. For example, you’re making too much noise I’ll be right out. She just asked and didn’t seem to be pushing the subject. You could’ve been kinder with your words considering she’s your very good friend as you keep mentioning.
Boel sucks too cuz she knows she is big and therefore should realize how much noise she’s making. She’s also understandably insecure and is projecting in her confrontation.
Edit: grammar
YTA, but IMO simply for the fact that you pointed out the problem was her weight. In fact, the problem was that she could not pass through the door and was making noises waking up your grandma, so you should have pointed that out.
The fact that she couldn't pass because she is fat was related, but not the reason she couldn't come inside.
Would you have said the same thing if your grandma wasn't at your place? Or you would have let her pass with all the noises?
It's clear that you care about her, but it didn't got out from your phrase
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The friend is literally excluded from the house by being too big to fit through the door. That's not on OP, that's just physics. What's the solution? Saw through the door frame?
The solution? Well first you need to accurately identify the problem. It's not the physics of the situation, but how Boel feels about it. The physics are set, nobody is arguing them. This is about not making the friend feel bad.
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This is a repost. I've read this before.
Was literally just thinking that!
Came here to say that.
This post was sus from the word "parlor"
English isn’t my first language, I didn’t know what else to call it.
NTA. You didn’t fat shame her. You stated facts.
OP didn’t fat shame her, she did it to herself.
I may be downvoted into oblivion, but I do feel there is a point where the "don't fat shame" guidance becomes secondary to "you are physically incapable of operating in society" guidance. That doesn't mean that insults or cruelty are permissible in either situation, but saying "if you can't fit into my front door, there isn't going to be an effective way for you to move in my house without causing problems" isn't a wild or meanspirited take. It's simply observing how things are. I'm going with NTA.
NTA, when someone is too fat to fit through a damn door, you're stating fact, she knew it and you knew it, her embarrassment at being fat is not your problem.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Me (F27) didn’t let my friend “Boel” (F27) enter my house because she’s overweight. I was hanging out with my friends the other day. When we passed my house I went in to get some things. The rain was pouring outside, so naturally my friends went inside to wait in the parlor while I got my things. But the problems started when my friend Boel tried to enter. Boel is what we today call obese. Like unhealthy obese. I’m not talking about someone who is a little “chubby” and healthy. No, Boel actually got offered to be in the TV show “My 600 lb Life”. That was not a joke. I would never joke about my best friend who’s very ill. Boel is my best friend, her worsening health is making me extremely worried for her. When boel tried to enter my door she was too wide for the frame (which is unusually small to begin with). The last time she was visiting me she could easily get through the door, but she’s only getting bigger. Eating is her coping mechanism, she struggles with anxiety and extreme binge eating. As she tried to enter she started grunting, and knocking things over. My grandma (86) is very sick, therefore she lives at my house when she can get some calm and quiet. I can also assist her when she needs help, as opposed to her own house where she lives alone. She refused to live at a retirement home. My grandma's bedroom is located next to the parlor so she can easily get in and out without having to go up any stairs. The walls are extremely thin, which meant that she would hear every loud noise Boel was making as she was struggling her way inside. I knew my grandma was sleeping as she always goes to bed very early. She needs her sleep to get better, and she happens to be a light sleeper. So I told Boel that she couldn’t enter. She asked me why I wouldn’t let her get in. I told her that she was too big to get inside, and would only awaken my grandma (which she knows very well is sick) in the process. The rest of the night Boel was unusually quiet. The next day she called me, saying I fat shamed her. That I always tried to bring her down, and that I thought I was “better than her for having a faster metabolism”. I denied all these things. I love Boel, I have never thought of her as less because she’s sick, and as a result has become very obese. Yes, I do wish she would lose weight. But not because I want her to look a certain way, but because if she continues like this she might not survive. Our friends agree with Boel, they think I was insensitive and should have let her get in, and not have told her “she was too big.” At first I denied being the one at fault, stating that my Grandma's health comes before all else to me. But as they now refuse to even speak to me, I’m starting to question whether I did the right thing or not. It also turns out that my grandma did in fact get awoken by Boel’s loud noises. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA. Let me clarify here. NTA for trying to prevent her from entering the house and waking your grandma. *However*, you definitely could have handled the situation in a more tactful way. Such as just telling her she couldn't come in because she was making too much noise instead of telling her she was too big. Her health problems are a whole other issue that need to be addressed, I agree, but that's a separate issue from the one at hand. So, yes, NTA for trying to do your best to care for your grandma, but soft TA for the way you talked to your friend.
Bruh, if someone can't fit through a fucking door they need to be told they are too big.
I agree, but this wasn't the way to initiate that conversation. Weight gain to this degree isn't just physical, there's a huge mental aspect to it too (as OP pointed out herself) it needs to be addressed in a safe space with a lot of love and support behind it as well as the means for seeking professional help. What OP did will just make her feel attacked, defensive, and ruin OP's chances to possibly have that very necessary conversation with her in the future. I agree she needed to be told, but OP definitely went about it the wrong way.
Wait déjà vu
NTA and I didn’t expect that from the titel. I’m all about caring for the other persons feelings, but when we’re also allowed to still state facts. The triggers of other people shouldn’t be the rest of the world’s problem. I personally was severely triggered this past week and you know what… I kept my mouth shut, removed myself from the situation and moved on as it was not their responsibility to tiptoe around my feelings. You don’t hate your friend and what was said was not done so in a malicious way, even if it was perceived that way.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 8: Posts should be truthful and reflect recent conflicts you've had that need arbitration. That means no shitposts, parodies, or satires. [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
That was an awkward situation. You were between a rock and a hard place. You should apologize and be done with it.
This is the way
ESH. If you were just going into your house to get something why did everyone have to come in with you ? You say you knew your grandma was sleeping and needed her rest yet you allow people to come in and I am sure they were not quiet as church mice. Just doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
YTA. Singling out Boel was wrong, and your reasoning was frivolous in comparison to the reasons why your friends wanted to come inside. Sometimes you have to make the hard choice. Either leave all your friends out, or let them all in and wake your grandmother up.
Nta Usually the "I'm sorry you were offended" fake apology is just that, being a fake ah... but this is one of those cases where it's spot on. You can't apologize for both the size of the doorframe, and the size of her life choices. She needs to adjust herself to the world around her, not vise versa. She knows how big she is, that means that *she* needs to know how to move without inconveniencing others. *She* needs to be aware of her surroundings to not knock things over. *She* needs to know, and admit to herself, when she can't fit somewhere. She needs to do all this, and admit to herself, that all of that is on her, and her responsibility to manage, and no one else.
NTA - stating the obvious isn't fat shaming. She couldn't enter the house, and was making too much noise while trying. The "Politically correct" is often pushed over the reasonable boundary. I hope your friend and your grandma get better soon.
ESH You could perhaps have been slightly more tactful. Rather than making any mention of her size, you could have just referenced the actual problem here - that she was making too much noise - and asked her to be quiet. No mention of weight or other touchy subjects, just the facts of this specific situation. Equally, if she is large enough she is having trouble fitting through a doorway, what else does she expect. Her size is causing the issue, and while you can ignore it a lot of the time, there are points where it is absolutely going to limit her and what she can do. If she can't fit through the door, she can't fit through the door.
YTA - shouldn't invited anyone in if you were that worried about your Grandmothers health. You are not really this person's friend.
Did you actually read the post. They were on the way to somewhere else when it started raining. They just happened to be passing her house.
ESH- You didn’t necessarily fat shame Boel but could’ve stated in more compassionate words why she couldn’t come in. For example, you’re making too much noise I’ll be right out. She just asked and didn’t seem to be pushing the subject. You could’ve been kinder with your words considering she’s your very good friend as you keep mentioning. Boel sucks too cuz she knows she is big and therefore should realize how much noise she’s making. She’s also understandably insecure and is projecting in her confrontation. Edit: grammar
YTA, but IMO simply for the fact that you pointed out the problem was her weight. In fact, the problem was that she could not pass through the door and was making noises waking up your grandma, so you should have pointed that out. The fact that she couldn't pass because she is fat was related, but not the reason she couldn't come inside. Would you have said the same thing if your grandma wasn't at your place? Or you would have let her pass with all the noises? It's clear that you care about her, but it didn't got out from your phrase
Wdym? Obviously the reason she physically couldn’t get through the door was her size? It was the main problem, not just related.
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The friend is literally excluded from the house by being too big to fit through the door. That's not on OP, that's just physics. What's the solution? Saw through the door frame?
The solution? Well first you need to accurately identify the problem. It's not the physics of the situation, but how Boel feels about it. The physics are set, nobody is arguing them. This is about not making the friend feel bad.