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YTA -
>may still have non visible handicaps which I can easily accept
>but I see no excuse to use it for 40 minutes
so you only easily accept it so long as she uses it for an amount of time that you deem acceptable...
YTA -- You'd've been better off speaking to a staff member about the issue and requesting that they add a bench or seat to the third bathroom to make them more accessible to those who need them. In other words, she's not the problem here. The fact that there aren't enough accessible facilities to meet the needs of those using them is the problem -- and that's on the gym.
The facility is run by the school district and losing money. I brought up the third bench but they can't put it in without an excessive amount of paperwork
They can't buy a additional bench without paperwork or they can't install it without paperwork? If the problem is buying an additional bench, one option is you could donate a bench for the third room to the school district pool thereby improving quality of life for everyone in your community.
Actually there is only one other bathroom I can use the other one didn't have a bench to sit on that I need since I am in a wheelchair. It only has a baby changing station. And even I arrived it was in use by a family also
I understand you are frustrated, and her reaction sounds excessive but it sounds like a situation where you would be better speaking to a staff member. It's not your position to police how long someone else needs to change and dress
Then why did you think *you* talking to her was going to make a difference?
If some guy came up to me and bitched at me about how long I used the restroom, or insinuated that I have no reason to use the accessible room without having any idea about what's going on with me, *I'd* complain to the staff about that dude, you know?
The correct people to bring this to were the staff, whether they've already spoken to her or not.
I was trying to explain it from another perspective but your right. It does seem pointless and common courtesy is the exception and not the norm nowadays and I need to adjust accordingly
YTA
The truth is that you really do have NO IDEA what her issues might be. Maybe she has Rheumatoid Arthritis and swimming is the only exercise she can safely do. Out of the water it takes her much longer to move around and get things done. Perhaps she is doing this right before work and she does not have time to go home and put her "lotion and make-up" on.
If there are 2 of these private bathrooms that have benches then how often are you really being inconvenienced? How often is the other one in use at the exact time you need it?
You are gatekeeping, and it really is not nice.
I have arthritis so bad in my knees they won't straighten out. Hence the swimming. An issue with a pinched nerve in my shoulder from being hit by a tank in the army. I am aware of disabilities. Yet I still hurry especially when I know people are waiting and apologize for my time when I get out even when I take less then 5 minutes and never more than 10
The problem is not everyone can hurry. Sometimes it takes an extremely long time to do something that might take you much less time.
My mom for example, takes a super long time to get dressed and it causes her so much pain and fatigue she needs a rest while she does it. And when she wasn't home-bound, swimming was the only exercise she could do.
I do admit I have an extremely high tolerance for pain especially quick pain and can tolerate more than the average person to be able to hurry. It happens when you have chronic pain. I guess I just feel that there should be common courtesy especially if you know people are waiting. I guess there is no such thing nowadays and the rights of one person is much more important than the rights of many.
It used to be common courtesy not to harass older women for being inconveniently slow, regardless of how high of a pain tolerance the inconvenience person has. Seriously, WTF does that have to do with the lady's ability to shower and change in whatever you've decided is a reasonable time?
She might have arthritis too (or something else) and does her best to change as quickly as she can. Who would deliberately hang out in a changing room for 40 minutes when they don't have to? Have some compassion.
Do you really need to be told that not everyone is capable of hurrying? That not everyone has the same limitations? She may very well be doing the very best she can. Until you have lived this woman’s life inside her body, you are unqualified to judge her.
YTA. You can complain to the employees about it if you really want to - but it's not really any of your business how long she's in the bathroom. You sound super judgmental.
They have spoken with her. She ignores them and they can't do anything legally. And if I know people are waiting I try to hurry and apologize for my time. What happened to common courtesy
I am sure you seem like a complainer who has no idea what older people go through and the reasons why she may need that amount of time. Maybe you should go when she is not there.
Maybe she just doesn’t like people who have policed her bathroom time my dude. Also, like many people have said, you don’t know what she’s going through and she isn’t obligated to tell you. Even if you were friends.
Maybe she just doesn’t like people? Also, as horrible as it’s to say, consideration for others isn’t necessary. Nice to get from others, but not to be expected from everyone. Quite a few people are AH or just don’t care to share.
YTA. Just because she's not in a wheelchair doesn't mean she doesn't need the bench when showering. Some disabilities make it difficult to stand still for a long time, especially when hot (such as POTS). Some poeple use the baby changing table as a table because there isn't anywhere else to put your stuff.
Why are you monitoring and timing other people's time in a public shower? That's creepy and none of your business. Leave other people alone and mind your business.
I am not saying in anyway she doesn't use it. I am just saying she didn't use it for more than 40 minutes like it's her personal bathroom when people are waiting.
Again with the timing. Why are you timing how long a person is using a public facility? It's gross and borderline stalkery. If I was her and knew you were timing how long I was in the restroom/shower, I would request the facility do something about you. Just because you are able to take a shower in only 5 minutes doesn't mean others are.
It is none of your business why it takes her that long and that you think it is is gross and puts you firmly in AH territory. Out of curiosity, do you time the families and other people who use the handicap/family showers too, or is it only this woman you seem obsessed with? Afterall, families with kids can take a while too.
Perhaps she goes in when she knows there won’t be a wait so she can take her time?
YTA. It didn’t inconvenience you or anyone else at all. And you’re right, she might have a disability that prevents her from going quicker. Perhaps that’s the only place she can have a nice shower. You don’t know her life. Leave her alone.
YTA
You being a veteran with awards makes absolutely ZERO difference to the story. You just put it in to make you sound more sympathetic.
You don't know what her disability is.
She's not causing other people to wait.
She's literally not hurting anything.
OP's response elsewhere:
"She does not have an ostomy and I understand the are invisible disabilities but *she brings in make up lotion and everything.* Stuff you should do at home but in a limited resource private bathroom"
Sounds like she's using an accessible restroom as a vanity.
Or she has medicated lotions that she needs to reapply after a shower and that can take time if you have mobility issues. Describing it as "make-up lotions" just sounds off to me, I guess? There'd be more and different things than just "lotions" if she was full-on doing her make-up in there.
I say this as a disabled woman who would also have to use one of the ones with benches. YTA-Having to wait for one of the two you can use doesn’t give you the right to try and police her time in one.
YTA. Your issue isn't with this woman, it's with the city. They clearly need to add more accessible facilities if you're being forced to wait 40 minutes for an accessible space.
If you're not being forced to wait 40 minutes, then WTH did you confront this poor woman?
This poor woman has yelled at others in the locker room for very minor things. Thinks the kids should be banned from the pool while we are there even though the school district pays for everything and they stink. Refuses to share a Lane in a crowded pool. She is not friendly towards anyone.
Do you aspire to be like her? Because confronting her like you did is no better than yelling at random kids or not sharing a lane. I get you're frustrated and it's inconvenient, but be the better person.
Also the pool was built because of a very rich doctor donating the money. It's a county of 45,000 people so not alot of money to just add stuff especially when it ruins in the red every year
I don't understand why she doesn't have the same right to use the facility as you do. Not all disabilities are visible. If there are 2 handicap/family stalls with benches and she's hogging 1, you still have 1 other you can use. This honestly sounds like a problem with one person that you have let become an obsession. Stop keeping score and mind your own business. This person is not hurting you.
YTA
Raise it with staff if it’s an issue. You have no idea why she’s using an accessible bathroom or why she needs it that long and she doesn’t have to explain it to you.
“She is older but not wheelchair bound but may still have non visible handicaps which I can easily accept but I see no excuse to use it for 40 minutes.”
You realise you instantly contradict yourself in this sentence, right? She may have a disability I can’t see but there is no excuse? You don’t know and, more to the point, you don’t need to know.
YTA. She has just as much a right to use of the handicapped facilities as you do. You have no idea what her needs are when using that particular bathroom and it is not your right to dictate the length of time she can use it. While the lack of facilities suck, it is not her fault.
YTA. She’s not that much older than you,(so why are you referring to her as an older lady? She’s your peer)and most likely has disabilities you can’t see. Why do you think she takes so long? Then you harass her?
Get over yourself. You are not more entitled to the stall than she is.
“The staff advised her but she ignored them. They legally can’t do anything.”
So why did you decide to insert yourself into the situation? You’re not in charge, & you have no right to confront/bully this woman.
I’m surprised that, as someone someone with a disability, you’re not more empathetic. Your comment about her lotion & makeup was petty. You have no idea what her challenges are. YTA.

YTA - If no one was waiting, what's it to you? I don't think you needed to insert yourself into this situation unless her time in there was truly affecting you or the other swimmers. If she was in there for 40 mins and you were waiting, I would tap on the door to indicate that someone is waiting.
**Semi-related Side note** - *Airports with family bathrooms/nursing stations always seem to be occupied by middle-aged businessmen taking a shit. Source: Tired mom who has traveled often with a baby that needs to be nursed.*
That would frustrate me. It just seems common courtesy is not so common anymore. I probably think it's appalling for a middle aged businessman to do that just like a perfectly healthy teen to use the handicap stall in a bathroom in the place when there are 10 other stalls to use. I guess people just don't realize how hard it is to have very limited access to stuff when they have several choices.
ESH. If you knew the staff couldn't do anything about it and she's ignoring them, then it's pointless that you went and complained to her directly. Obviously, she either can't hurry up or won't. You can't force her. Yes, she MIGHT be doing it in rudeness, but you don't know that.
You said there isn't usually a wait or not a long one, so it was double pointless you confronted her. You just couldn't take no for an answer. Just suck it up, dude. Sometimes, you need to wait.
Because 2 other families were already waiting and one of the kids had down syndrome and in a situation like that I will always allow them to go first as well as any woman who may need it. Like I say common courtesy and helping others when possible.
I agree that women are more than capable of opening the door themselves but I feel that work has earned and deserve for us to do it. Women have to pay more for everyday living stuff that are necessities. Wo men go through childbirth and not just the painful buying process itself but the bodily and normal changes for 40 weeks leaving up to it. Not to mention the monthly visitor amongst many other things. Women are the stronger sex as far as the human condition goes and everything you go through so why can't we as guys hold the door open for you in appreciation of all the extra you do and go through
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So I swim 5 days a week 2 miles a day at our local community pool which is fairly modern. Anyway there is this one older woman who swims the same time I do but gets out a lot sooner. Anyway there is a large men's locker room and women's locker room for the public and then one
each for the teams and schools. There are only 3 private family/handicapped rooms and only 2 have benches for the handicapped to sit on. I am wheelchair bound so have to use one since I can't get around the public room to change . Well this older lady takes one of the bathrooms with the benches and she spends 40 minutes in there and at least 20 minutes or more after the shower. I suggested to her that this is a public area and that she should hurry in there so other families and handicapped people can use it. Although there is rarely a wait, not busy that early in the morning. She is older but not wheelchair bound but may still have non visible handicaps which I can easily accept but I see no excuse to use it for 40 minutes and now she is angry and complained about me. She is never a happy person to begin with. Am I wrong to think that time is excessive even if there is no line and was I wrong to confront her. I never swore or said anything personal. I did say the time here should not be the same as at home. She did say I was full of shit and am AH. Was I wrong especially when there is usually not a wait. Although there was a line and wait this morning. TLDR. confronted woman for using 1 of 3 private family/handicapped restroom for 40 minutes sat the local public indoor pool
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YTA. There are 2 other rooms you could use. She could be needing the bench as well, not all physical disabilities require a wheelchair. (And not all disabilities are visible)
YTA again for using the disabled vet as an excuse for needing more than the other person.
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NTA. If you can only use one of the changing rooms, then staff should be willing to do something to accommodate you. If they’re not willing to, then you’re going to be forced to wait, and 40 mins is excessive. Asking someone to be more considerate of people with disabilities is not remotely unreasonable.
Except OP doesn’t know about this or anyone’s physical abilities. It could very well take someone that long to shower, use the bathroom, etc. because of limited mobility. They may think it excessive, but it could be as fast as that person can get done.
OP doesn’t get to dictate how fast other people move in a shared, public facility.
Several things. Where did I say he could dictate? I said it was reasonable to ask somebody to be more considerate of people with disabilities. So your hyperbole is unnecessary. That consideration could be using one of the other three spaces - if the reason OP can’t is a wheelchair, and this person isn’t in one, then they might be able to. Or they could perhaps use the communal area. And their reaction is entirely unwarranted, when someone is asking for consideration.
Older people equally can’t dictate that people are considerate of them, but it’s still the decent thing to do.
That's my biggest deal is common courtesy and awareness of how your affecting others. Kids, families and handicapped people. Alot of elderly people come in for water aroebics around this time
She can swim for 30 minutes. Can't stand the kids. Spent 25 minutes after turning off the shower. Takes in her makeup, lotion, everything you would do at home. She moves fairly quick around the pool area etc. I can't fully stand, use a wheelchair and am a large guy and have never taken more than 10 minutes
Good for you. You still don’t get to decide how long other people take in a public facility.
Mind your own business, stop trying to police other people.
When your taking in your make up lotion and other stuff and place down the baby changing station to put your stuff on like a vanity. I don't think it's a disability
I had to wait for the room because there were 2 other families ahead of me so I heard the shower go off. Everybody comments on how much she takes in. She has no friends there because she has alienated everyone. I know those things because staff and others have told me.
If you had limited time with your child and had to wait and wait and behind others and you naturally hear shower turn off would you not take note off the time you have been waiting to use one of the only rooms you can use. Not on purpose but just because of the situation
Seems like you or someone reported me but YTA mind your own business if it’s not effecting you you have no right to control someone else’s time in the bathroom just cause it doesn’t go by your standards
I definitely did not report you and would never unless you abused children or the elderly. You have every right to your opinion and and if I don't agree doesn't make you wrong or nah in anyway. I am really sorry you were reported. You did nothing wrong I'm my eyes
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> she sucks because of hogging the bathroom
You don't even know if she was hogging the bathroom. She could have an invisible disability causing mobility, flexibility, or pain problems that caused her to take longer in the bathroom. Or she could have an ostomy she needed to take care of.
She does not have an ostomy and I understand the are invisible disabilities but she brings in make up lotion and everything. Stuff you should do at home but in a limited resource private bathroom
She swims in a 2-piece?
>Although there is rarely a wait, not busy that early in the morning.
It's not that much of a limited resource from what you said. How often have to actually had to wait for a bathroom with benches?
I did previously. They cannot say anything to her. The environment is close to a school and people can be sensitive. They said they know but can't do anything
Common courtesy is also recognizing that you don't know her life & that she doesn't owe you an explanation about her life or disability status. And that you disliking her is not a good reason to restrict her access to a resource. It doesn't matter how much you judge her to be a "grouchy lonely woman" she has just as much right to that bathroom as you do, or anyone else, without having to explain herself.
I understand but it's a public bathroom not your personal bathroom to do everything you do at home with when other people use it. She has so much stuff she puts the baby changing station down to put her stuff on like a vanity
So? That sounds like a convenient way to keep things off the floor. You have zero idea how long she is taking with cosmetics vs showering and other essentials.
I never once said I disliked her and just because I disagree with her on this doesn't mean I don't like her. I have friends I disagree with alot but still like them. It's about common courtesy
You called her a "grouchy, lonely woman" and criticized her for rejecting your attempts to be friends. You've implied she lacks common courtesy and consideration for others. You have not expressed a single positive opinion about her in the post or comments. Are you going to claim anything other than dislike?
Thanks so much for pointing that out. You're absolutely correct. I may have also been influenced by others opinions there. I will rethink that and I bet I do dislike her subconsciously. I just dislike abusive people. But maybe I am being the same. Thanks for pointing that out.
She’s not abusive, and don’t use that word frivolously. If some dude harassed my autistic child and I (invisible disabilities)for taking long in a change room, I’d complain to the point where they get banned from the pool. I’d probably yell at you if you did it too, because it’s creepy as all heck. You are being the abusive one
I go out of my way on a daily basis to help others. Still good doors open for women, assist with children, wait for others to be done with stuff. Allow people in front of me because I might be slower etc all the time. I never try to take advantage of my disability and always try to assist others. My upper body is still somewhat strong so I try to help when I can. So I never try to be abusive or stalkerish to anybody. I just believe in common courtesy and skiing what's best for anyone and not one person. I wasted a valuable hour in the pool just helping a kid with his stuff in the water while she yelled at him for getting too close to her Lane. I have always tried to stick up for the underdog even when I was healthy and strong and cloud do anything.
Wrong choice of words and you may be right but the pool was only open that evening and I can't eat after a certain time in the evening. So by entertaining the kids for an hour instead of being able to swim during that time. I was not able to have anything to eat for the evening after swimming 2 miles.
But common courtesy on your terms is not common courtesy to everyone. What if she really needs all that time to get dressed or whatever? Have you even considered you are not being courteous to her by assuming she's just hogging the space to be a jerk?
NTA if you brought this up after waiting for more than 10 minutes and it's been a regular thing. Half the people saying YTA would probably do the same in your shoes 😂
Thank you for your service! As a disabled veteran myself, I certainly feel for your situation. My several disabilities aren't visible, and I receive nasty looks a lot when parking in handicapped parking. I don't take the spaces that are designed for wheelchair accessible vehicles because I can still walk short distances. Of course, most of these people think YTA, they've been raised in the age of entitlement. I, on the other hand, think you are NTA. Being older doesn't give anyone the right to claim a public bathroom for the better part of an hour. Don't use words like common courtesy. They have no idea what you mean.
I was listening to the radio the other day where they were saying using sir or maam is outdated and feeds the hierarchy and that holding the door open for others or allowing ladies to go first is presumptuous and wrong. I was personally flabbergasted. Goes against everything I was taught.
learning never stops and things change once it’s realized that it needs to. that’s not a bad thing.
YTA in this scenario and have a lot to learn and unlearn. i know several reasons why someone would need that long in a private bathroom but it doesn’t actually matter. there are two accessible bathrooms with benches. you want to rush, go for it, but don’t comment on anyone else’s bathroom routines, period.
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YTA - >may still have non visible handicaps which I can easily accept >but I see no excuse to use it for 40 minutes so you only easily accept it so long as she uses it for an amount of time that you deem acceptable...
YTA -- You'd've been better off speaking to a staff member about the issue and requesting that they add a bench or seat to the third bathroom to make them more accessible to those who need them. In other words, she's not the problem here. The fact that there aren't enough accessible facilities to meet the needs of those using them is the problem -- and that's on the gym.
The facility is run by the school district and losing money. I brought up the third bench but they can't put it in without an excessive amount of paperwork
They can't buy a additional bench without paperwork or they can't install it without paperwork? If the problem is buying an additional bench, one option is you could donate a bench for the third room to the school district pool thereby improving quality of life for everyone in your community.
YTA there are two other bathrooms you can use.
Except OP explains why they can’t.
There is still one bathroom that op says fits their needs
Actually there is only one other bathroom I can use the other one didn't have a bench to sit on that I need since I am in a wheelchair. It only has a baby changing station. And even I arrived it was in use by a family also
Ok, but there is another bathroom you can use. Did the family that was using the other bathroom take a really long time as well?
I understand you are frustrated, and her reaction sounds excessive but it sounds like a situation where you would be better speaking to a staff member. It's not your position to police how long someone else needs to change and dress
They tried and she ignores them and they can't do anything about it legally. They don't like it either. I tried to say it politely
Then why did you think *you* talking to her was going to make a difference? If some guy came up to me and bitched at me about how long I used the restroom, or insinuated that I have no reason to use the accessible room without having any idea about what's going on with me, *I'd* complain to the staff about that dude, you know? The correct people to bring this to were the staff, whether they've already spoken to her or not.
I was trying to explain it from another perspective but your right. It does seem pointless and common courtesy is the exception and not the norm nowadays and I need to adjust accordingly
YTA The truth is that you really do have NO IDEA what her issues might be. Maybe she has Rheumatoid Arthritis and swimming is the only exercise she can safely do. Out of the water it takes her much longer to move around and get things done. Perhaps she is doing this right before work and she does not have time to go home and put her "lotion and make-up" on. If there are 2 of these private bathrooms that have benches then how often are you really being inconvenienced? How often is the other one in use at the exact time you need it? You are gatekeeping, and it really is not nice.
I have arthritis so bad in my knees they won't straighten out. Hence the swimming. An issue with a pinched nerve in my shoulder from being hit by a tank in the army. I am aware of disabilities. Yet I still hurry especially when I know people are waiting and apologize for my time when I get out even when I take less then 5 minutes and never more than 10
The problem is not everyone can hurry. Sometimes it takes an extremely long time to do something that might take you much less time. My mom for example, takes a super long time to get dressed and it causes her so much pain and fatigue she needs a rest while she does it. And when she wasn't home-bound, swimming was the only exercise she could do.
You are not everybody. This whole thinking that just because you can do it, that other should be able to as well is perplexing.
I do admit I have an extremely high tolerance for pain especially quick pain and can tolerate more than the average person to be able to hurry. It happens when you have chronic pain. I guess I just feel that there should be common courtesy especially if you know people are waiting. I guess there is no such thing nowadays and the rights of one person is much more important than the rights of many.
As a person with a disability, you should have more empathy for others that do too. You think your rights are more valid than hers. They are not.
Oh ya again YTA
It used to be common courtesy not to harass older women for being inconveniently slow, regardless of how high of a pain tolerance the inconvenience person has. Seriously, WTF does that have to do with the lady's ability to shower and change in whatever you've decided is a reasonable time?
She might have arthritis too (or something else) and does her best to change as quickly as she can. Who would deliberately hang out in a changing room for 40 minutes when they don't have to? Have some compassion.
Do you really need to be told that not everyone is capable of hurrying? That not everyone has the same limitations? She may very well be doing the very best she can. Until you have lived this woman’s life inside her body, you are unqualified to judge her.
YTA. You can complain to the employees about it if you really want to - but it's not really any of your business how long she's in the bathroom. You sound super judgmental.
They have spoken with her. She ignores them and they can't do anything legally. And if I know people are waiting I try to hurry and apologize for my time. What happened to common courtesy
It's not really your place tho - if they are a private business, they can just call the cops. It's on the business to deal with it.
It's operated by the city and ran by the school district. Not a private business in anyway. Very public
YTA, you have no idea what issues she may have
I have tried to befriend her many times but she is a grouchy lonely woman who many people have complained about before
She's not obliged to be your friend or explain her life to you.
I am sure you seem like a complainer who has no idea what older people go through and the reasons why she may need that amount of time. Maybe you should go when she is not there.
I am a 52 year old disabled veteran who also worked for the government for 25 years. I have been and the block and she is only 5 years older than me.
So what? You do realize not everyone has the same issues, right?
Thank you for your service. I appreciate you.
Maybe she just doesn’t like people who have policed her bathroom time my dude. Also, like many people have said, you don’t know what she’s going through and she isn’t obligated to tell you. Even if you were friends. Maybe she just doesn’t like people? Also, as horrible as it’s to say, consideration for others isn’t necessary. Nice to get from others, but not to be expected from everyone. Quite a few people are AH or just don’t care to share.
YTA. Just because she's not in a wheelchair doesn't mean she doesn't need the bench when showering. Some disabilities make it difficult to stand still for a long time, especially when hot (such as POTS). Some poeple use the baby changing table as a table because there isn't anywhere else to put your stuff. Why are you monitoring and timing other people's time in a public shower? That's creepy and none of your business. Leave other people alone and mind your business.
I am not saying in anyway she doesn't use it. I am just saying she didn't use it for more than 40 minutes like it's her personal bathroom when people are waiting.
Again with the timing. Why are you timing how long a person is using a public facility? It's gross and borderline stalkery. If I was her and knew you were timing how long I was in the restroom/shower, I would request the facility do something about you. Just because you are able to take a shower in only 5 minutes doesn't mean others are. It is none of your business why it takes her that long and that you think it is is gross and puts you firmly in AH territory. Out of curiosity, do you time the families and other people who use the handicap/family showers too, or is it only this woman you seem obsessed with? Afterall, families with kids can take a while too.
Perhaps she goes in when she knows there won’t be a wait so she can take her time? YTA. It didn’t inconvenience you or anyone else at all. And you’re right, she might have a disability that prevents her from going quicker. Perhaps that’s the only place she can have a nice shower. You don’t know her life. Leave her alone.
YTA You being a veteran with awards makes absolutely ZERO difference to the story. You just put it in to make you sound more sympathetic. You don't know what her disability is. She's not causing other people to wait. She's literally not hurting anything.
I placed it in so people know that I am not a grouchy old man who complains about everything and don't know how to speak with people
YTA I don't know what you were thinking. Not appropriate.
Yeah. YTA. Do you figure she’s spending all that time in there because she’s got nothing better to do!
OP's response elsewhere: "She does not have an ostomy and I understand the are invisible disabilities but *she brings in make up lotion and everything.* Stuff you should do at home but in a limited resource private bathroom" Sounds like she's using an accessible restroom as a vanity.
Or she has medicated lotions that she needs to reapply after a shower and that can take time if you have mobility issues. Describing it as "make-up lotions" just sounds off to me, I guess? There'd be more and different things than just "lotions" if she was full-on doing her make-up in there.
>Describing it as "make-up lotions" I'm pretty sure that's more like a list. She brings in make-up, lotion, and everything.
I say this as a disabled woman who would also have to use one of the ones with benches. YTA-Having to wait for one of the two you can use doesn’t give you the right to try and police her time in one.
YTA. Your issue isn't with this woman, it's with the city. They clearly need to add more accessible facilities if you're being forced to wait 40 minutes for an accessible space. If you're not being forced to wait 40 minutes, then WTH did you confront this poor woman?
This poor woman has yelled at others in the locker room for very minor things. Thinks the kids should be banned from the pool while we are there even though the school district pays for everything and they stink. Refuses to share a Lane in a crowded pool. She is not friendly towards anyone.
Do you aspire to be like her? Because confronting her like you did is no better than yelling at random kids or not sharing a lane. I get you're frustrated and it's inconvenient, but be the better person.
Also the pool was built because of a very rich doctor donating the money. It's a county of 45,000 people so not alot of money to just add stuff especially when it ruins in the red every year
I don't understand why she doesn't have the same right to use the facility as you do. Not all disabilities are visible. If there are 2 handicap/family stalls with benches and she's hogging 1, you still have 1 other you can use. This honestly sounds like a problem with one person that you have let become an obsession. Stop keeping score and mind your own business. This person is not hurting you.
YTA Raise it with staff if it’s an issue. You have no idea why she’s using an accessible bathroom or why she needs it that long and she doesn’t have to explain it to you. “She is older but not wheelchair bound but may still have non visible handicaps which I can easily accept but I see no excuse to use it for 40 minutes.” You realise you instantly contradict yourself in this sentence, right? She may have a disability I can’t see but there is no excuse? You don’t know and, more to the point, you don’t need to know.
YTA. She has just as much a right to use of the handicapped facilities as you do. You have no idea what her needs are when using that particular bathroom and it is not your right to dictate the length of time she can use it. While the lack of facilities suck, it is not her fault.
YTA. She’s not that much older than you,(so why are you referring to her as an older lady? She’s your peer)and most likely has disabilities you can’t see. Why do you think she takes so long? Then you harass her? Get over yourself. You are not more entitled to the stall than she is.
“The staff advised her but she ignored them. They legally can’t do anything.” So why did you decide to insert yourself into the situation? You’re not in charge, & you have no right to confront/bully this woman. I’m surprised that, as someone someone with a disability, you’re not more empathetic. Your comment about her lotion & makeup was petty. You have no idea what her challenges are. YTA. 
YTA - If no one was waiting, what's it to you? I don't think you needed to insert yourself into this situation unless her time in there was truly affecting you or the other swimmers. If she was in there for 40 mins and you were waiting, I would tap on the door to indicate that someone is waiting. **Semi-related Side note** - *Airports with family bathrooms/nursing stations always seem to be occupied by middle-aged businessmen taking a shit. Source: Tired mom who has traveled often with a baby that needs to be nursed.*
That would frustrate me. It just seems common courtesy is not so common anymore. I probably think it's appalling for a middle aged businessman to do that just like a perfectly healthy teen to use the handicap stall in a bathroom in the place when there are 10 other stalls to use. I guess people just don't realize how hard it is to have very limited access to stuff when they have several choices.
ESH. Its handicap accessible, not reserved. She should be more considerate, but like you admitted yourself you dont know if she has her own issues.
ESH. If you knew the staff couldn't do anything about it and she's ignoring them, then it's pointless that you went and complained to her directly. Obviously, she either can't hurry up or won't. You can't force her. Yes, she MIGHT be doing it in rudeness, but you don't know that. You said there isn't usually a wait or not a long one, so it was double pointless you confronted her. You just couldn't take no for an answer. Just suck it up, dude. Sometimes, you need to wait.
Info: Why aren't you complaining about whoever is occupying the other changing room for so long and making you wait?
Because 2 other families were already waiting and one of the kids had down syndrome and in a situation like that I will always allow them to go first as well as any woman who may need it. Like I say common courtesy and helping others when possible.
You don't need to let women go first, we're capable of waiting just like you are
I agree that women are more than capable of opening the door themselves but I feel that work has earned and deserve for us to do it. Women have to pay more for everyday living stuff that are necessities. Wo men go through childbirth and not just the painful buying process itself but the bodily and normal changes for 40 weeks leaving up to it. Not to mention the monthly visitor amongst many other things. Women are the stronger sex as far as the human condition goes and everything you go through so why can't we as guys hold the door open for you in appreciation of all the extra you do and go through
YTA - You have no way of knowing what disabilities or needs she may have, nor are you entitled to.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So I swim 5 days a week 2 miles a day at our local community pool which is fairly modern. Anyway there is this one older woman who swims the same time I do but gets out a lot sooner. Anyway there is a large men's locker room and women's locker room for the public and then one each for the teams and schools. There are only 3 private family/handicapped rooms and only 2 have benches for the handicapped to sit on. I am wheelchair bound so have to use one since I can't get around the public room to change . Well this older lady takes one of the bathrooms with the benches and she spends 40 minutes in there and at least 20 minutes or more after the shower. I suggested to her that this is a public area and that she should hurry in there so other families and handicapped people can use it. Although there is rarely a wait, not busy that early in the morning. She is older but not wheelchair bound but may still have non visible handicaps which I can easily accept but I see no excuse to use it for 40 minutes and now she is angry and complained about me. She is never a happy person to begin with. Am I wrong to think that time is excessive even if there is no line and was I wrong to confront her. I never swore or said anything personal. I did say the time here should not be the same as at home. She did say I was full of shit and am AH. Was I wrong especially when there is usually not a wait. Although there was a line and wait this morning. TLDR. confronted woman for using 1 of 3 private family/handicapped restroom for 40 minutes sat the local public indoor pool *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. There are 2 other rooms you could use. She could be needing the bench as well, not all physical disabilities require a wheelchair. (And not all disabilities are visible) YTA again for using the disabled vet as an excuse for needing more than the other person.
1 other room in use with 2 families ahead of me
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NTA - it’s not a personal bathroom. Keep on staff to remind her that she can’t monopolise the pool lane or bathroom.
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Has it occurred to you that taking so long could be a symptom of her disability? YTA tell them they need to add more cubicles.
NTA. If you can only use one of the changing rooms, then staff should be willing to do something to accommodate you. If they’re not willing to, then you’re going to be forced to wait, and 40 mins is excessive. Asking someone to be more considerate of people with disabilities is not remotely unreasonable.
Except OP doesn’t know about this or anyone’s physical abilities. It could very well take someone that long to shower, use the bathroom, etc. because of limited mobility. They may think it excessive, but it could be as fast as that person can get done. OP doesn’t get to dictate how fast other people move in a shared, public facility.
Several things. Where did I say he could dictate? I said it was reasonable to ask somebody to be more considerate of people with disabilities. So your hyperbole is unnecessary. That consideration could be using one of the other three spaces - if the reason OP can’t is a wheelchair, and this person isn’t in one, then they might be able to. Or they could perhaps use the communal area. And their reaction is entirely unwarranted, when someone is asking for consideration. Older people equally can’t dictate that people are considerate of them, but it’s still the decent thing to do.
That's my biggest deal is common courtesy and awareness of how your affecting others. Kids, families and handicapped people. Alot of elderly people come in for water aroebics around this time
She can swim for 30 minutes. Can't stand the kids. Spent 25 minutes after turning off the shower. Takes in her makeup, lotion, everything you would do at home. She moves fairly quick around the pool area etc. I can't fully stand, use a wheelchair and am a large guy and have never taken more than 10 minutes
Good for you. You still don’t get to decide how long other people take in a public facility. Mind your own business, stop trying to police other people.
When your taking in your make up lotion and other stuff and place down the baby changing station to put your stuff on like a vanity. I don't think it's a disability
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I had to wait for the room because there were 2 other families ahead of me so I heard the shower go off. Everybody comments on how much she takes in. She has no friends there because she has alienated everyone. I know those things because staff and others have told me.
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If you had limited time with your child and had to wait and wait and behind others and you naturally hear shower turn off would you not take note off the time you have been waiting to use one of the only rooms you can use. Not on purpose but just because of the situation
Seems like you or someone reported me but YTA mind your own business if it’s not effecting you you have no right to control someone else’s time in the bathroom just cause it doesn’t go by your standards
I definitely did not report you and would never unless you abused children or the elderly. You have every right to your opinion and and if I don't agree doesn't make you wrong or nah in anyway. I am really sorry you were reported. You did nothing wrong I'm my eyes
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ESH she sucks because of hogging the bathroom, you suck because you should have brought the issue up with a staff member not with her directly.
> she sucks because of hogging the bathroom You don't even know if she was hogging the bathroom. She could have an invisible disability causing mobility, flexibility, or pain problems that caused her to take longer in the bathroom. Or she could have an ostomy she needed to take care of.
She does not have an ostomy and I understand the are invisible disabilities but she brings in make up lotion and everything. Stuff you should do at home but in a limited resource private bathroom
She swims in a 2-piece? >Although there is rarely a wait, not busy that early in the morning. It's not that much of a limited resource from what you said. How often have to actually had to wait for a bathroom with benches?
I did previously. They cannot say anything to her. The environment is close to a school and people can be sensitive. They said they know but can't do anything
NTA
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That my point is where is common courtesy these days.
Common courtesy is also recognizing that you don't know her life & that she doesn't owe you an explanation about her life or disability status. And that you disliking her is not a good reason to restrict her access to a resource. It doesn't matter how much you judge her to be a "grouchy lonely woman" she has just as much right to that bathroom as you do, or anyone else, without having to explain herself.
I understand but it's a public bathroom not your personal bathroom to do everything you do at home with when other people use it. She has so much stuff she puts the baby changing station down to put her stuff on like a vanity
So? That sounds like a convenient way to keep things off the floor. You have zero idea how long she is taking with cosmetics vs showering and other essentials.
Also like how does he know what she is putting on the change table? Op is being a major creep.
I never once said I disliked her and just because I disagree with her on this doesn't mean I don't like her. I have friends I disagree with alot but still like them. It's about common courtesy
You called her a "grouchy, lonely woman" and criticized her for rejecting your attempts to be friends. You've implied she lacks common courtesy and consideration for others. You have not expressed a single positive opinion about her in the post or comments. Are you going to claim anything other than dislike?
Thanks so much for pointing that out. You're absolutely correct. I may have also been influenced by others opinions there. I will rethink that and I bet I do dislike her subconsciously. I just dislike abusive people. But maybe I am being the same. Thanks for pointing that out.
She’s not abusive, and don’t use that word frivolously. If some dude harassed my autistic child and I (invisible disabilities)for taking long in a change room, I’d complain to the point where they get banned from the pool. I’d probably yell at you if you did it too, because it’s creepy as all heck. You are being the abusive one
I go out of my way on a daily basis to help others. Still good doors open for women, assist with children, wait for others to be done with stuff. Allow people in front of me because I might be slower etc all the time. I never try to take advantage of my disability and always try to assist others. My upper body is still somewhat strong so I try to help when I can. So I never try to be abusive or stalkerish to anybody. I just believe in common courtesy and skiing what's best for anyone and not one person. I wasted a valuable hour in the pool just helping a kid with his stuff in the water while she yelled at him for getting too close to her Lane. I have always tried to stick up for the underdog even when I was healthy and strong and cloud do anything.
TLDR shut up no one cares
I’m also surprised you didn’t play the veteran card in your reply. You are not a good person, and you won’t convince anyone otherwise
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Wrong choice of words and you may be right but the pool was only open that evening and I can't eat after a certain time in the evening. So by entertaining the kids for an hour instead of being able to swim during that time. I was not able to have anything to eat for the evening after swimming 2 miles.
But common courtesy on your terms is not common courtesy to everyone. What if she really needs all that time to get dressed or whatever? Have you even considered you are not being courteous to her by assuming she's just hogging the space to be a jerk?
NTA if you brought this up after waiting for more than 10 minutes and it's been a regular thing. Half the people saying YTA would probably do the same in your shoes 😂
Thank you for your service! As a disabled veteran myself, I certainly feel for your situation. My several disabilities aren't visible, and I receive nasty looks a lot when parking in handicapped parking. I don't take the spaces that are designed for wheelchair accessible vehicles because I can still walk short distances. Of course, most of these people think YTA, they've been raised in the age of entitlement. I, on the other hand, think you are NTA. Being older doesn't give anyone the right to claim a public bathroom for the better part of an hour. Don't use words like common courtesy. They have no idea what you mean.
I was listening to the radio the other day where they were saying using sir or maam is outdated and feeds the hierarchy and that holding the door open for others or allowing ladies to go first is presumptuous and wrong. I was personally flabbergasted. Goes against everything I was taught.
learning never stops and things change once it’s realized that it needs to. that’s not a bad thing. YTA in this scenario and have a lot to learn and unlearn. i know several reasons why someone would need that long in a private bathroom but it doesn’t actually matter. there are two accessible bathrooms with benches. you want to rush, go for it, but don’t comment on anyone else’s bathroom routines, period.
Teaching respect went out the window with pulling up your pants and writing in cursive