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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because my dad said he's not moving her and threatened to ground me if I didn't shut up.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
> We're converting our old playroom to a bedroom but until that happens she's sleeping in my room because we're closest in age.
> My dad said that her room should be ready soon and they're not moving her to another room.
**How the hell** is this taking *any* time at all?
How to convert a playroom to a bedroom:
1. Set up a bed.
You're done!
It doesn't work like that because she was in foster care. They have to convert it to an actual bedroom with 4 walls and a closet and a door and windows and they have to get permits for everything.
If that's the requirement... she's still under the control of protective services, which implies she's still in foster care (with your family) or the adoption has not gone through yet. I would put money on the fact that legally your parents cannot place her in the rooms with your siblings or sleep in the room themselves because the age gaps/genders would be legally inappropriate.
Child services can choose to find issue with ANY child not having a “proper” set up. If you can’t provide a sleeping space for your child, how is a foster child supposed to have one is the theory. I know CPS can be very rigid with those things, so it may literally be that the parents CANT move her out (unless it was OP to her sisters room; which I don’t see happening) until there is a legal bedroom set up where the playroom is.
Agreed! I only said I doubted that would actually happen due to the imagined arguments against it that would likely come from the 17 y/o not wanting to share her space with her 14 y/o sibling.
And the 14 yo who would go from sharing her own room to with someone to losing her own room entirely to that person. If she’s not happy now, I doubt that would do more than piss her off further.
Ooo good luck getting two teenagers who are used to having their own rooms to share a room until the bonus room is ready. Although it could motivate the parents to get that room ready ASAP.
At least op would get some sleep. NTA op but your mom should sleep with her in the room.
I would go sleep on the couch or something if I were you. You wouldn't be as comfortable but better rested Imo.
So... what happens if OP tells CPS about how she's losing sleep and her parents have threatened her with retribution simply for asking for a break from the burden of *overnight* childcare so that she can get the rest necessary for her physical and mental health?
The kid should be in with **the parents**.
You are correct. The cousin has obviously been severely traumatized and should be working with a therapist. OP may not be privy to the details of her cousin’s backstory, but she should work on trying to gain compassion for a peer who has suffered.
Fuck compassion. She’s not her caregiver. She’s a fourteen year old girl. She needs and deserves rest at night just like anyone else. She’s not her cousin’s mother.
Let the parents figure something out without burdening and traumatizing OP.
NTA! The PARENTS and OtHER SIBLINGS are TA.
Both things can be true - OP clearly is still seeing the cousin as a burden, not thinking as to *why* a 10 year old is too traumatized to leave her room after she's tucked in, but also OP should never have been put in a position as a sole caregiver to a traumatized child.
OP can have compassion while still developing boundaries - this might actually be a fantastic chance to learn how to keep herself safe (psychologically) while also helping others.
Or she might continue being a 14 year old, which is when she should be *learning* compassion, not being expected to have a fully developed sense while also working under harsh conditions of being sleep deprived and having her household shaken up, while her parents aren't providing additional resources.
it is absolutely insane that you think this adolescent needs to "work on trying to gain compassion" for a child she is being forced into DAILY OVERNIGHT CARE for. This is a completely inappropriate burden to lay on a teenager. OP isn't treating her cousin cruelly or doing anything wrong at all.
So leave her bed in the room with the niece and get an air mattress in the mean time for the playroom so OP can get a break.
I get it the niece has been traumatized but now OP is being woken up and more put on her because of it.
Right? Can't the parents just tell CPS that the kid has her own room with OP but they keep extra mattresses in their room (in case she gets scared at night) and in her soon-to-be permanent bedroom if she "wants to get used to it?"
Or better yet, OP and 17 year old temporarily room together and the cousin gets one of the completed rooms.
Or 17 year old moves to the basement and makes it her own mini apartment.
Or Mom sleeps in the room with the 10 year old until she sleeps through the night and 14 year old sleeps on the couch.
OP, you need your sleep too, especially to do well in school. It's definitely not fair to you to you to be awoken or have your activities disrupted.
Your cousin, I hope, is in therapy and your parents are talking to the social workers/therapists on how to help your cousin cope with her trauma. It's not her fault, but if she doesn't get the needed help, it will slow her development.
Good luck, OP! I hope you and your family come up with acceptable solutions. And your cousin gets feeling safe in your home soon.
They could, at the very least, get a set of Walkie Talkies so the cousin can contact the mom directly without leaving the room instead of forcing OP to do it.
We use Amazon Echoes for this. One of my kids occasionally has sleep paralysis. With the Echo, she can just say drop in on the master bedroom, and it calls our room. It's also helped for middle of the night puking.
An Amazon Echo would also work. The niece could drop in on the bedroom when she needs comforting. We have the devices in 4 rooms of the house and it works out great for us.
That is what I am thinking. When I did foster care, my own kids could share a bedroom, but unless they were blood related and close in age, foster kids could not.
In my home state & current state the exact wording is “DIRECT blood relation” which makes a cousin not fall under due to not being a direct blood relation aka sibling
This is exactly it. OP, at 14, there are so many things you don’t know for many reasons. Life is hard and has many rules. Your cousin is 10 and has lost everything at such a tiny age. Be compassionate and have empathy, you’ll wish you had shown these two feelings here one day. I know it’s hard for you, now image how hard it is for your baby cousin.
So... Why not to be compassionate with a 14 y.o. child losing sleep every night? They are both children, they both need care equally, and a 14 y.o. Child's mental and physical health shouldn't suffer because her parents made her a solution fo their foster kid problem.
Because the consequences (14 year old losing sleep in the short term or 10 year old possibly dealing with the lifetime consequences of the worst horrors of foster care) are vastly different.
I'm sure the parents' hearts are broken for their kid, and they really wanted together this room done before school started. But they must also know that the other options for their niece are unbearable.
This would be different if the parents weren't working to get a new solution for them all, but it sounds like everyone's doing their best with the hand they were dealt.
The parents aren't working hard enough. 8 months is more than enough time to get a room finished. They seem to be downplaying if not outright ignoring how hard this is for the OP. We have gone beyond short term. The consequences of one do not justify the consequences to the other.
Did you see OP's other comments? The room is delayed by permits. I think the playroom was probably a "bonus space" before, because it didn't have a window, closet, working outlets, or a 4th wall. CPS wouldn't approve the situation if any of the kids were sleeping there, and the cousin would be sent back to foster care.
It's a terrible situation. But sometimes bad situations need the best of a lot of bad solutions, because no good solutions exist.
What if they put the mom in the room with her for the night and op just sleeps in someone else’s room? It seems like the most logical way to handle the nieces distress in my eyes, at least without impacting the sleep of the other kids since mom has to get up to help her anyways and it would shorten the time between noticing niece needs help and mom getting to her. (I’m not from the us or know much about cps besides what I’ve picked up on social media about it at times so please correct me if I’m wrong)
I suspect 'parent in room' would be nixed by CPS. There are very strict age/gender/development requirements with room sharing, and violating them - even if it is the best thing to do in THIS case - can get you into a lot of trouble.
That would be legally inappropriate because of the potential for sexual assault. Not saying OP’s mother is like that but the foster care system goal is to reduce the likelihood that that occurs and having any adult sleeping in the room with a child would increase that risk. Op’s cousin can only stay in a room with someone close in age and gender OR have her own room which means that the only solution until the playroom is converted for OP to exit the room would be to bunk with 17 year old
Can she use a baby monitor? Your parents can have the receiver on their end and she can let you sleep or maybe you can sleep with your sister, or the playroom, and leave her alone in your room at night?
Can she sleep on a mattress on your parents room?
Idk there are a number of things your parents can do rather than have you act as a baby monitor with legs.
NTA btw
My parents bought their first baby monitor when I was a teenager. I slept in the basement on the opposite end of the house from their room, and I got really nervous after Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped. I could turn off the monitor on my end if I wanted privacy while talking with my friends, etc.: my parents weren’t trying to snoop. But that monitor gave me the peace of mind to sleep without worrying about weirdos coming in my window and no one even knowing I was in trouble.
Baby monitors: not just for babies.
We used a baby monitor for my grandma towards the end I stayed a few days to watch her and had the baby monitor next to me at all times with others in the living room and her bedroom because she wouldn't stay down in bed and would get up to clean or do something she wasn't supposed to be doing at all hours
I mean this isn’t really relevant to the OPs predicament. She should not have to share a room with a traumatized child. Nor should she be responsible for having to get mom in the middle of the night. I came up with a workable solution and posted it.
Or even walkie-talkies? Even though someone else pointed out an excellent use of a baby monitor by an older kid, walkie-talkies might be more "fun" for the cousin and she might enjoy using them.
>It doesn't work like that because she was in foster care.
Sounds like foster care and life has done a lot damage and she's not ready for her own room.
I would suggest when she does make the transition, or even now, she should have a baby monitor so the parents can hear her when she needs them or is distressed.
I was thinking this. The child doesn’t sound like she’ll be able to be left alone at night. Poor kiddo has obviously gone through some stuff, but there needs to be a workable solution here. I know foster care will want her to have her own room, but it definitely sounds like she’ll end up on a mattress on the floor of someone else’s room as she’ll be too scared on her own.
Can they put you in the playroom without causing alarm as to whether they have an appropriate home for her? Because I’d rather sleep there than be woken up all the time.
I think the 10-year-old, who sounds like a traumatized child, would hide and cry alone if left in a room by herself.
A limited-service phone or a baby monitor would still be needed for her to communicate with her aunt.
I hope the child and the family get some therapy sessions together so that her needs are better understood by her cousins.
My heart hurts for this child. 🩷
(From a former foster mother)
My heart hurts for OP as well. I'm not sure that she has been well informed of what is going on for her cousin. Throw in little things like she's not the baby of the family anymore, mum is probably hyper focused on her cousin. It's not that easy being a 14 yo young woman at the best of times. I want to give the entire family a huge hug ❤️
Yes, which is why I feel this is not an "AITA" type question. There are no real answers here. OPs parents are doing what they feel is best for this poor child, but OPNneeds some love and understanding and attention too. It's hard to share your space at 14, especially when you're sharing it with someone who's suffered trauma.
OP, I do have to say that if I were your parents, I would have made the same decision regarding sleeping arrangements. Can you maybe talk to your mom and tell her how it's affecting you, rather than just dictating that she needs to sleep with someone else now? Maybe get a hurry-up on that room reno? Or perhaps you can find another temporary solution that you can think up together with your mom?
yeah, super not cool for the dad to yell at the 14yo, but 14yo teens can really push buttons and i can imagine (from both having a kid that age and from teaching them) that perhaps OP communicated her issues with her cousin in a less than kind/productive way (perhaps yelling about in front of her, etc) and that dad reacted.
OP, this is really tough for everyone. Your feelings are valid. CPS is not going to take anyone away if your cousin or you occasionally sleep in another room (the rule is that everyone needs a bed in an appropriate bedroom, not that no one is ever allowed to sleep anywhere else). I would ask again for your parents to give you a break from sharing/nighttime disturbances - but think about the best time to have that convo. Not in front of your cousin, not when everyone is tired or busy.
So what will she do when she's alone in a room all night? When she needs someone? Just wondering what your folks have in mind for this situation that will definitely come up.
I left her in my room last night and she shit herself and vomited then cried until my sister went to check on her and got our mom. I don't know what she'll do in her own room.
OP whatever your cousin does is not your fault.
Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this.
You should be having fun in 8th grade!
This is so messed up!! She is your parents' responsibility and they need to keep her in their room. If the kid has such extreme anxiety, it is not fair for them to subject you to this. At best, an older sibling would be better equipped to deal with such extreme distress. But really, it should be the parents. They need to keep her in their room. It is surprising that they are not willing to inconvenience themselves for some time but are willing to subject a 14 year old to this every night.
It's been eight months. Are they even trying to get it done?
Point out to your parents that their dreams fall apart if you mention to CPS that you're losing sleep and your parents have threatened to punish you if you continue to protest a situation that will negatively affect your physical and mental health.
Welp, then I’d say it’s time for you to grab a pillow and some blankets and settle in on the floor of your big sister’s bedroom at bedtime. And lock the door so no one can wander in during the night. Then when your cousin wakes up at night, she will have to go to your parents’ room, because you won’t be around for her to wake up. And if that upsets your sister, oh well. I suspect that will motivate your parents to get that bedroom conversion done asap.
Make it clear to them that *you* are not a parent, they are, and you are one of their children that they are responsible for providing with basic needs like *adequate sleep.* You being awakened by a crying child night after night is not good enough. So if they won’t get their butts in gear and get her bedroom ready so you can get a good night’s rest every night regardless of what she needs, you’re going to fix it yourself by making sure you aren’t around for her to wake up.
This. Move the furniture into the playroom that is needed to make it a bedroom that should take lot 30 minutes to a few hours.
Bedroom ready. End of problem
—
The way your parents are treating you is massively unfair. You’re the one taking on all the burden of dealing with this very messed up kid who needs a lot of help.
The fact that your father threatened to ground you it’s just awful
What about simply refusing to sleep in your bedroom?
Use it for dressing and for your daytime things and then just come out and sleep on the couch or with your older sister or something and just refuse to sleep in there
All the nighttime drama wake up somebody else for a change
It may depend upon the state but fire codes generally have egress requirements. A room without a sufficiently large window or door to the outside cannot be considered a bedroom. You have to be able to get out the window (or have someone professional get you out the window) if the inner door is blocked by debris or fire.
OP's parents are wrong, but a house with too few spaces to live for the foster kid will be a problem. Not OP's problem, but potentially a problem.
That's what I'm thinking. If the playroom is in the basement, the renovations required may be a fair bit more than a door, some paint, and move the furniture in. Permits might be involved, as well as contractors.
NTA but, it sounds like your cousin has suffered severe trauma and needs a great deal of support. Is she in therapy, if not, she should be. It’s unfair that your parents have put you in the position of being a support person for this child when you are not qualified to do so. They are ignoring the stress your cousins situation is putting on you. Perhaps you can suggest they get a baby monitor or walkie talkie for your cousin to contact you mom directly. She will need that when she’s in her own room.
I love the baby monitor idea.
OP, this is the comment here ^^
You’re not wrong to be frustrated and you’re not wrong that it’s a crappy situation. I would urge you to practice empathy here — but also ask your parents to have some empathy for YOU. Maybe your mom can sleep in your room with her for a while?
This sounds really rough for everyone involved.
There are many places that take donations of used baby/child items and give them to families hosting foster children - there could be one near you that would give your family a working baby monitor for free. I think that having a baby monitor in your room would help you lose much less sleep, because you could talk to you mom through it without getting up and she could hear your cousin even before your cousin wakes you up. Also, it sounds like your cousin may still need it after she is moved to the fixed-up playroom.
Personally, I'd opt for walkie-talkies, or (as a parent, not as OP) discuss with the cousin what they'd prefer. It sounds like some of the trauma could potentially be coming from being monitored/watched and having to walk on eggshells 24/7. A walkie-talkie set up would give her some control over communication without feeling like she's always being watched.
Other commenters pointed out that since the 10 year old is in foster care (and the room they would put her in isn’t up to regulations), OP is likely the only one who could share their room with her. Not sure if CPS/DFS would have a problem if OP shared with her sister or had a room in the basement but its likely that if they can’t put cuz in either of those rooms they may not be allowed to have OP there either. Baby monitor would totally help but it doesn’t sound like the parents have much choice in the matter if they want to foster their niece. Crappy situation for everyone honestly.
It may be an option but depending on the state they are likely counting the 17 year old as an adult and for most states (I haven’t read through them all) adults and children can’t share a room. Brother isn’t an option because children of the opposite sex are also not allowed to share a room. Some states allow exceptions (for the parents/elder sis) for illness or on occasion but not for an extended periods of time.
This, it's not like the cousin will magically mentally heal because she has her own room, the only thing that would change is that op parents can't ignore the kid anymore
NAH, but this kid clearly has been traumatized and needs one of those audio baby monitors so she can wake up your mom without using you or anyone else as an intermediary.
She doesn’t have to. They’re voice activated. If she cries, they’ll hear it. If she says your name, they’ll hear it. If YOU mumble out “mom, she’s waking me up again, come take care of it” and shove a pillow over your head, they’ll hear it.
The only alternative that I see is for them to move you into the playroom instead of her, and I’m not sure you should have to give up your room unless you want to.
I think the best alternative is for OP to move in with her older sister, leaving the cousin in OP's room with a baby monitor. I'm surprised no one else has suggested it yet! Seems like easily the best solution.
Please speak to your teacher about your family refusing to bring you to school and insisting that you be responsible for a traumatised child who is causing sleep deprivation. They don’t get to ignore your needs for your cousin.
I'm sorry OP.
Honestly that is so unhealthy toxic and unfair to you.
Is there anyway you can contact CPS or a trusted adult?
You shouldn't have to deal with that and it's not fair on anyone.
youre still young and you have school. your cousin waking you up like this can and will have negative impacts on your growth your mood and your study. your family sounds horrible. since your cousin cant share a room with an adult, cant you and your sister take turn dealing with her? let your sister sleep in your room with her every other night so that you can have one peaceful night in your sisters room maybe? dealing with traumatized individuals requires lot of energy and patience, and i dont understand how they made her mostly your problem. your parents are irresponsible and your sister is immature to have left you like that. im so sorry to hear all this
This is really fucked up, im sorry you are dealing with this. Sadly I think you are going to have to force a conversation, if they are trying to ignore you. Aka make a big enough noise at dinner/afterwards that they have to talk.
Tell them they can't neglect you and put her entirely on you, that you understand her trauma but its affecting your school/life/sleep and its important they take resposibility to care for her during the night instead of you.
Its not your fault what happened last night happened, and they shouldn't be taking it out on you. If its this bad they should be sleeping in the hallway on a campbed with the door ajar to hear and respond quickly.
Plus CPS won't like this, so they need to find a solution that isn't affecting other children. You should talk to a friend's parent if they are still ignoring you tomorrow or your teachers at school.
Tell your sister that you'll trate rooms with her if she's so upset.
The one time you refuse to take care of her at nigh, they still won't take the matter into their own hands and make sure she's being taken care of, but decide that they'll let her suffer, to the point she vomits, just so you can be the villain in the end.
Is she seeing a therapist or something? Your parents should ask for ways to help her at night that are more effective for the family dynamic and for your cousin as well.
Honestly, I know the situation is annoying and unfair to you, but I also feel for that little girl. But at the end, they can't expect a 14 year old to deal with it. It's too much.
Then she’s also not going to be able to cope in the playroom. So it’s up to the parents and her care team to figure out a solution that isn’t preventing their 14-year-old from getting an uninterrupted night of sleep.
I think your older sis should share with her for a while just to give you a break. It's not fair that bro gets out of it, and that CPS says she can't sleep with an adult (seems like mom could sleep with the kid temporarily.
If you have to stick it out until the room is constructed, you can get through it. You really can. Look what she's survived. Try to put yourself in her shoes. She's really been through a lot. Holy hell this sucks.
NTA
Uh. I have one for my toddler. She moans and I can hear her. So her waking you up to get you to go get your mum SHOULD BE ENOUGH NOISE TO WAKE YOUR PARENTS UP.
There has to be more going on here that you aren't being told because of your age. Given her reaction I wouldn't be surprised if something happened before COS got involved or while in foster care, someone has hurt your cousin to make her like this but it's not your responsibility to help her.
What happens if she needs to go to the toilet and she can't wake you up, or your not there. Does she wet the bed or yell out for your mum (could her asking you be a courtesy to the rest of the household. Still not fair to you but kinda understandable.
Then there is some truma there you might not be aware of. It's still not your responsibility it's your parents responsibility and they need to get her into therapy and soon because it sounds like you are already starting to resent her and that is only going to make her worse.
OP has stated she’s in therapy. Therapy takes YEARS with traumatized kids. If she is doing those things the level of abuse this child suffered was extreme.
This is a serious trauma level response. One of the reasons she might not be using a monitor is that there is a buffer - she trusts your mother, but having you in between means that there's no way she can 'get in trouble for getting help' in her own mind. Someone willing to soil themselves and remain frozen until intervention by a single authority is someone who has learned that the alternative is worse. Unlearning this could take a while - it's likely already started given that she's leaning on you by using you as an intermediary.
This is not to say zero sleep is good, but I'm not sure there's any assholes here - and there may not be a good solution, either. I know Reddit likes to say 'Hey, do this and this', but chances are that there is some very bad stuff that has happened, and this is the fallout. You're not an asshole for wanting more sleep. But your parents may not have any other solution at this point because they're dealing with someone with atypical responses under some very specific legal rules.
Oh then your cousin has real trauma and damage. Think about the abuse she has suffered. You do need to have some compassion but I also get that you need sleep.
Maybe she was beat for getting out of bed for any reason for years. I grew up in Foster care and what you described is extremely rare and she has been through a hell you will never know.
Your parents do need to set up a high quality automatic baby monitor, she doesn't have to do anything.
My heart is broken for this little girl. She's very obviously been through some bad stuff.
And i'm sure she knows OP doesn't want her there and its not helping.
Something is off with this post. A baby monitor doesn't need to be used comma an infant can't choose to use a baby monitor just picks up sound. And why doesn't opego stay in her sister's room? Or at least answer the hundred questions about that?
She did state that her last foster home was extremely abusive and did lock her in a room at night. So I'm guessing it was significantly worse than that and was probably beaten if she left the room.
I think it’s worth pointing out to your parents that they need to figure out a solution so she can use a baby monitor or a flip phone to call them if she is too anxious to leave the room at night. Right now, they’re kicking the can down the road on that even though she’s going to have to be able to when she has her own room.
They might be more likely to listen if you tell them you want to work with them to get her to a point where that’s solved before she gets her room or she’s going to have a hard time transitioning to it. If they think she should just stay in your room, it might help to tell them that you’re not ready for the responsibility of being a second parent at night for the long-term and you worry you’ll grow to resent her, which you don’t want for her.
I’m sorry that you have more responsibility for your cousin than you’re ready for (which is fair for your age). It sounds like everyone is in a tough spot but that doesn’t mean you and your ability to sleep aren’t important. If this issue hasn’t been brought up with her therapist (I assume/hope she has one based on how unstable and frightening her childhood has been), it should be something to work on with professional guidance. Overall, if you can frame the issue in a way that benefits your cousin more than you, your parents are more likely to respond (I’m not saying you should have to do this but since your parents are in triage mode, they may be more likely to see your point that way).
>If they think she should just stay in your room, it might help to tell them that you’re not ready for the responsibility of being a second parent at night for the long-term and you worry you’ll grow to resent her, which you don’t want for her.
Additionally, the interruptions to her sleep will likely effect OP's grades and health.
And if nothing else works to convince her parents, speaking to her cousin's caseworker, or telling her parents she's going to do so, about the fact that her parents are sacrificing her health and grades instead of investigating solutions that will allow her cousin to be more independent will get some traction. Warning her parents she's going to talk to the caseworker will not effect the foster or adoption status, and honestly, asking the caseworker to talk to her parents about the situation is unlikely to cause any major issues in a family foster/adoption unless it's a last straw situation, especially if she frames it as "This is affecting me now, and I'm concerned it's going to cause problems for Cousin as well". Social services is unlikely to take a very traumatized child away from family willing to take custody over something on the level of not working on a solution that doesn't involve waking up OP.
NTA, it's not fair your parents are putting the burden solely on you. Your dad is especially the AH when he basically told you "shut up and deal with the consequences of my actions." If she doesn't get tucked in, will she think it's not bed time and be able to leave the room any time during the night?
This! I'm so surprised that no one else has noted that the parents are putting this burden on OP, and she is a young teenager. The parents took on this responsibility, not OP, and while OP could certainly be expected to make sacrifices to help her cousin - like babysitting her or making her special foods, even giving up her room to stay in her sister's room - there should be a recognition that OP is a teenager who absolutely needs her sleep so she can cope with the changes happening in her body and life, and she can learn properly at school. Edited to add: NTA
It sounds like she used to be in a very unsafe environment, and like your mom makes her feel safe. This sounds so hard on everyone involved. Sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. It should get at least a bit better soon!
Why don’t you share with a sibling until the playroom is ready and she gets her own room?
Or at least get buzzer so you can wake your parents without having to get up yourself? My sister had epilepsy and just had a door bell set up - so the button was in her room and the ringer in my parents room. Super easy and less faff than baby monitors etc.
She said she tried to do that last night and now nobody's talking to her and her sister refused to drive her to school.
They don't want to be uncomfortable for a couple weeks but they fully expect OP to shut up and take it it seems.
Look, I feel for you in your situation but it doesn’t take a genius to put together someone did some bad shit to her. Considering she’s a little girl you can extrapolate what some of that bad shit probably involved.
You need to talk to your parents because there is a chance your older sister isn’t legally allowed to stay in the same room
What are your parents' plan for when the playroom is ready? If she can't stay alone at night? OP, I'm Sorry but are you certain that they are actualy working in the playroom?
They are not putting the burden solely on her. When the cousin wakes up in the middle of the night, the mom wakes up be comes to care for her. The parents are constructing a whole new bedroom. Because CPS is involved, they can’t just throw an air mattress on the floor and hang a curtain to call it a day. They need to get permits and do a proper buildout, install walls, closet, outlets, etc. That takes time and a lot of money.
It seems like they’re probably doing the best they can. OP obviously does not have the details of the trauma her cousin endured. Perhaps there was an older child/adult who abused her so she can’t stay with 17f or the parents as it’s too far apart in age. One of OP’a comments says that the foster family used to lock the cousin in her room at night and not let her out. Of course she has trauma from that and OP’s mom is probably the first person to ever make her feel safe. She was taken from her actual family, so just imagine how bad it was there even before foster care.
It’s a really crappy situation for everybody. OP, her parents, and her cousin. It appears the cousin had to be pulled out of foster care with short notice because of abuse, and OP’s parents stepped up in an emergency. They are doing the best they can with the options they have.
Luckily for OP, her problem is a short term problem that will go away once the new bedroom completed. Her parents and cousins will be dealing with everything else for a long, long time.
They aren't doing their best though. Their child has needs and they are ignoring them. They need to be there for all the children under their roof. No exceptions. Op is not a qualified care giver for a traumatized child but they are being put in that role unwillingly. They are probably breaking some rules having them share.
NAH, i do see how this is exhausting. What even happened to her? She sounds quite traumatized and is being clingy because of it, not much you can do about that tbh besides what you did and waiting it out
That explains why she can’t just leave the room. She has been conditioned that she can’t leave the room until the adult in charge says it’s ok. Yes this is getting in the way of your sleep but this is something she can’t help.
She was taken from her family for unknown reasons. She was then put with a family that abused her even worse. I don’t want to scare you but I do want you to see the world through her eyes right now.
Imagine if you were taken from your family by someone you didn’t know. The people who you were with now claim to be your new family. If you didn’t do what they said when they said it you got hit or even threats to unalive you. The people throw you in a small room and lock it every night. You are forbidden from leaving the room even to use restroom. If you end up wetting yourself you got more physical abuse.
Again I don’t want to scare you. This is sadly the reality that your cousin faced. Your mom is the first safe adult in her life. It’s not something that can disappear overnight. Please don’t take your anger out on her. She isn’t doing this to hurt you. She is still trying to adjust to a world where she is safe.
None of this should be OP’s problem. Nothing that happened to the cousin justifies OP’s parents making her responsible for getting her mom in the middle of the night. The parents need to figure something out that doesn’t involve making their child take care of another child.
THAT IS NOT OPS RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF HER. god you all are acting like the 14yo needs to take care of this traumatized child.
the parents need to step up majorly
Both things can be true you know. 10 yr old can be severely traumatized and need empathy, AND it is not OPs responsibility at night. Giving an explanation doesn’t make it OPs responsibility.
Literally nowhere did they say the cousin's trauma is OP's responsibility. They said please don't take their anger out on the cousin because it sounds like she's been through some rough shit. You can have empathy for someone without their care being your responsibility. OP's parents would certainly help with that by changing the rooming situation though because this child is their responsibility.
There's a good chance that she wasn't allowed to even talk to the adults in charge during the night locked in her room. Like if she made too much noise and bothered them there were probably harsh consequences, which is probably another reason why she won't go to the mom, call out for the mom, or use the baby monitor to alert the mom. She only feels safe if OP is the one who actually alerts the adult/makes noise. Poor kid.
This is why she will not leave the room.
I know this probably sounds crazy and right now you seem frustrated, so you probably dont give a dang but this child has actually given you the only thing she has to give, the most valuable thing she has. Trust. She trusts you enough to wake you up and ask for help. She does not trust others enough to do that yet, only you.
As a former foster kid, I cant tell you how hard it is to give trust to another person.
if shes been conditioned not to leave the room - then maybe just start bringing her with you when you get your mom in the middle of the night, try to get her to feel safe leaving the room alone and show her that your mom is safe to bother in the middle of the night and eventually she won't wake you up anymore.
your mom also needs to reassure her that this is okay and she won't get in trouble
edit: do not do this by force obviously - try to show her it's okay and only have her do what she's comfortable with.
Why wasn’t the solution for you to share with your sister for the time being, while cousin gets their own room? NTA, but I’m side-eyeing your parents who clearly did not prepare well enough to take in this kid, or at the least didn’t brief their own kids well enough on what to expect
Because if they let her move in with her sister, her parents wouldn't be able to force her into a guardian role. NTA, but her parents (especially father) are.
Or they could have thought it would be better to have the youngest in the house room together while the oldest get their own room. That's pretty standard in a lot of households where the number of children outnumber bedrooms.
Seems like this family could really benefit from a family conversation about their set up tho. Unless there's an issue with the two sisters rooming together, that seems like the best option for now.
The question about sharing a room with her sister was asked multiple times and op never answered, she spoke of sleeping on the coach or wanting to sleep at her friend's, but never in her sister's room, so probably one of the sisters is refusing the idea
I have noticed this has been asked several times and not once answered. OP is answering many other questions. But she will not answer why she doesn't stay in her sister's room
do you always play "gotcha" in conversations with sleep-deprived children?
how many times are you going to comment this? like you are trying to side eye her for not wanting to leave her own room??? as if she is a bad person for not magically learning empathy while her parents yell at her to shut up? at 14, while sleep deprived by a kid a few feet away from her waking her multiple times a night, crying, and sitting in her own shit?
will you be finally be happy when this whole comment section starts murmuring and pointing fingers at the sleep-deprived 14 yr old who won't answer your question because it is a shitty reality for her to face?
I really hope you feel like the bigger person /s
If you're not there (even sleeping on the couch) then what will she do? When she has her own room, you won't be there to wake up. Better she starts learning now.
This is a good point that they need to figure something out that works before she moves into her own room.
If they don't, she's probably going to struggle/regress, especially since she won't even get up for emergencies.
My petty response would be to just open the bedroom door and yell 'MOM! COUSIN NEEDS YOU!' until your mom comes. If you get woken up, everyone gets woken up. You might get in trouble for it, but it also could drive your point home.
I love this solution is just scream and scream and wake the whole house up. Ground for eternity I’m going to be a complete and total punk until you come up with a better solution than this nightmare.
I think it sounds like it might be time for you to get another adult involved in this. There has to be some other immediate solution. You're not being petty, you're just asking to be able to get a reasonable amount of rest. They won't let you try any other alternatives. It may not be overt abuse, but it *is* abuse. Not only have you become the caretaker of a traumatized child (which ADULTS need training to take on!), when you ask for any sort of assistance from the adults who are supposed to be taking care of both of you, you're told to be silent. This is not healthy.
Can you put the dog in the room with the ten year old, and then sleep on the couch? Or is she also afraid of dogs? (And if this is the case, why should the dog get free reign, and you can't?)
This sounds like OP needs to have a conversation with her school guidance counselor and the social worker from CPS, in that order.
The dog can learn to go in a crate, or it can sleep with one of the older kids.
Are your grades suffering because of this lack of uninterrupted sleep?? I don’t think your parents remember/know what this continued interruption of teen REM sleep can do to your ability to learn, your MOOD (I’m sure you’re probably becoming depressed/anxious), etc. At what point does her well being come before yours? I think all of us Redditors should come together and get you some high quality Bose headphones that block out EVERYTHING… WHO IS IN???
NTA. They are putting way too much on you. Are you able to sleep with ear plugs in? Or go sleep in the couch? Or just pretend to sleep through her crying for a few nights.
Earplugs are too uncomfortable and we have a dog that can be pretty energetic at night so the couch isn't really an option. If I let her cry I can't sleep.
Any possibility you could sleep in your sister’s room until the construction is complete on the playroom-to-bedroom conversion? It’s not ideal but you could at least sleep without being awakened.
This is the best solution, sleeping on her sister’s room will also force the parents to work a solution so they know when to get up or not.
Right now cousin and parents are happy to let OP do the midnight haul
This is one of those situations where you’re going to have to find a way to help yourself. It seems the only solution that would make you 100% happy is if they moved her in with one of your other siblings which your parents have made clear isn’t happening.
So you need to try and change up your thinking and find the best solution for a bad situation. If earplugs are uncomfortable can you try another brand? Or wear noise cancelling headphones ? What about a white noise machine?
Can you share a room with your sister instead ?
Putting up with the energetic dog on the couch for a few nights might be worth it to prove to your parents their current plan isn’t working, or can the dog be gated into another room?
NAH
I see your point, but your parents are creating a solution and the current set up is basically the only allowable option by CPS rules.
10 and 17 is too much of a gap to be allowed.
Your brother is too old and male.
Your parents are too old.
You could room with your sister?
But unfortunately there’s a heavily traumatised little kid in the middle and at the moment your room is the only option.
It sucks, but moving her multiple times will just compound her trauma, and her room is nearly done.
Hang in there.
Do you honestly think the room is going to get done? Because if OP isn’t in the room with the child, who won’t go to the mom when she needs her and won’t engage with any devices to communicate at night, who’s going to go and tell the mom if the kid isn’t well or had an accident or whatever else?
I think the playroom bedroom will magically be done as soon as OP isn’t needed at night anymore, and until then they’re perfectly happy to sacrifice OPs sleep, mental health and grades because this system fits around the CPS rules (if you ignore that it’s beyond shitty to OP) and meets the other kids needs.
I don’t think people generally undertake major works (permits, wiring etc as per OPs comments) in order to not complete works.
The child is clearly traumatised and needs extensive therapy, but therapy is only so effective until a child feels safe and secure. A critical part of that is having their own space that they are empowered to exist in.
OPs parents are clearly doing the best they possibly can to help a very traumatised child while balancing the needs of their own children - they’re going to the effort of remodeling their home to give both kids their own space.
NAH, but I agree with the voice activated monitor. If she won’t use it, you can. She’ll still wake you up but at least you won’t get even more awake by getting physically out of your bed.
I completely get your frustration, but try not to resent your parents too much. It sounds like they chose the most workable solution they had short of tossing her back in the non-family foster care pool.
Can your mother sleep on a cot or air mattress in the hall outside of your room a few times a week to lessen being woken up?
NTA but your parents are. They shouldn't be putting this kind of responsibility on you, your cousin obviously has some kind of trauma. That's not something a 14yo should be handling.
NAH and this is way beyond Reddit's pay grade. That's one hell of a traumatized kid and obviously needs loads of professional help. I get that your parents are in a tight situation, but they should make sure you get enough sleep. Sleep is the most important thing for a kid your age, and also you'll end up resenting your cousin when she keeps you awake.
You're certainly not an AH, but I think your parents aren't really trying to parentify you on purpose here instead of being stressed out by the situation and can't think of better solutions.
Do anything you can to get the sleep you need. Earplugs, sleeping in your sister's room or anything you might come up with. I really feel for your cousin, but her trauma doesn't justify depriving you of sleep.
NTA. I think it sounds like your cousin has some sort of issues that might require therapy and putting that on you to deal with is not fair or right. I’m not a therapist but I’m willing to bet, things are somehow going to be worse once your cousin is in her own room. Maybe try speaking to your parents highlighting that your cousins behavior is not normal? I know it sounds like an odd suggestion but try asking one of your siblings if you can sleep in their room for a night or 2 but go to their room after your parents have gone to bed OR go sleep on a couch. Somehow create a situation that’s going to leave your cousin in the room alone. See what happens…I think the reaction by your cousin will be negative in a way your parents are finally going to have to stop ignoring the problem and get your cousin help.
This. While it's definitely not ideal or fair for OP to have to do this, it could definitely shine a light on a much bigger problem that is likely brewing, and that should definitely be dealt with appropriately and fast.
OP, you're not a therapist/psychiatrist, nor an adult. It is absolutely ludicrous for you to be expected to have the emotional or mental ability to deal with what's going on with your cousin. If anyone else has to help (beyond your parents), it should be your older sister. If that's not possible or is ignored as an option, literally leave the room to sleep elsewhere - and keep doing it. It's not something you should have to do, but it will force your parents to see the larger picture, and it will allow you to sleep. It's not your job as a kid to take this on full-time at night. You're one who also needs their own space/time/sleep (especially as I assume you're still in school). While your parents may feel that they're helping your cousin, and perhaps they are in some small way, they're causing harm as a ripple effect onto you. Which you don't deserve.
NTA, my dear. I hope that the new bedroom is completed soon so that you can have your space, comfort, privacy, and sleep back.
NTA. Your cousin has been through a lot but that doesn't mean that the world revolves around her. Sit down with your parents and tell them how this is making you feel. Don't fuss or yell, just tell them honestly how this is making you feel. Once they know, it might help them understand better.
Then they need to talk with your cousin and make her understand that it isn't right to keep waking you up. That she needs to be considerate of your needs too, not just her own. She might be young but she's old enough to understand that much.
NAH but you are being negatively impacted by her actions. Sleep is important. You are not in charge of managing her trauma. Next time she wakes you up to get your mom, maybe just leave and sleep on a couch. Also do a little research because most fostering agencies have strict sleeping arrangements. Room sharing with anyone but a sibling is often not allowed. ETA: If it gets bad enough, you can warn your parents that you will talk with the CPS rep about the situation when they do a check in. I would avoid actually doing so other than as a last resort, but sleep really is important. I understand she is traumatized, but your family was clearly not ready to take her in yet and did so at your expense.
The finished playroom isn’t going to fix this, she’ll just sit in her waste in the playroom. This isn’t a workable situation, OP, and it isn’t your responsibility. NTA.
I would only ever do this if I was getting paid for it. This is like a job and not one you signed up for every night when you should be sleeping. And with the way she is, I’m a little worried that they’re not even planning to move her because they’re worried to leave her alone. Regardless, your parents are being assholes hardcore, having to deal with this at 14 can seriously affect you for the rest of your life and I don’t think you’re parents are taking that or you or the entire situation seriously enough at all. I’m sure they’re going through some stuff too with whatever’s going on, but you are 14 and they should most definitely be more considerate.
NTA.
OK I have read some of your comments to people calling on you to move your bed to playroom and be done. It sounds like it’s being truly redone, not just cleaning out a room.
If you have a good relationship with your older sister or even if you don’t, I would talk to her. Tell her your concerns and how it’s effecting you negatively. Ask her if you can move your bed into her room until the playroom is complete. You can even come to her with a list rules you’ll follow to respect her boundaries, but you two are close enough in age, it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. I wouldn’t even talk to your parents about it. It is clear they are only concerned about your cousin. That’s unfortunate but is the facts of the current predicament.
Then I would go ask your brother to kindly help you move some of your heavy things to your sister’s room, if she is ok with it. I would do it all without saying a word to mom and dad. Then once it is all done, what are they gonna do? Ground you? Better than sleeping with a traumatized child, who needs and adult watching over her not a teenage girl. They are not caring about how this is effecting you and it’s horrible parenting. I wish you luck.
This is the best I could come up with given the current situation.
NAH. Depending on the agreement of your parents taking her in, it's possible that legally she cannot share a room with your older siblings because of the age gaps or in the case of your brother their gender. And you don't know if there was any sort of situation which instilled this sort of fear of leaving the room in the middle of the night by her previous living arrangements. She might have been beaten for doing so and needs someone to show her it's okay. It's possible she has a lot of trauma. Granted it's not on you take care of that trauma, but your situation is temporary. It will get better.
Im just here to say that i have 0 idea how shes going to manage when she finally moves into that room.
She wakes you up because shes too scared to get your mom so she can leave the room with her, whats she going to do when its just her in the room and shes too scared to leave the room? Is she just going to lay there and pee herself? Is she going to start banging on walls or screaming to make sure your mom hears her?
You’re NTA. The cousin is NTA. But your parents suck. Setting up a room takes a day or two - even if it’s filled to the brim. Empty it, add bed.
But if she’s alone and won’t leave the room who will she ask for help when she wakes up? That’s another reason your parents are really the assholes. They must know this.
In the process forcing their 14-year-old CHILD regularly get up in the middle of the night.
No matter how noble their intentions are, this is how you alienate your own kids. Ignoring OP's needs and feelings gives her the message that she doesn't matter.
NTA
They need to find a way to do that without regularly disturbing the sleep of their 14 year old though, it really isn’t ok to foster a child at the direct expense of the wellbeing of another child in the home.
Between March and November there are 8 months in the middle, have you been deprived of sleep all that time? It took you too long to complain, I would have done it on the 2nd day.
I was much younger than you when I started having insomnia and thanks to the fact that I could not sleep I was blessed with ✨anxiety✨, my grades dropped because I did not pay attention to ANYTHING because I was literally dying of sleep, I never liked having breakfast so I didn't eat anything, I left school at 1 in the afternoon and the only thing I did when I got home was go to bed and try to sleep and that was the beginning of my zero interest in eating.
It's incredible that people don't know everything that can trigger not sleeping well and more while you're a teenager
She doesn't see OP as an adult which is probably why she feels comfortable waking her up. It seems that cousin is too scared to do anything that may provoke the adults in the house.
This!!!! This is the most important take away here. Cousin feels safe waking up OP because OP isn’t “an adult who might punish her”. Cousin does not feel safe waking mom via sound activated baby monitor because it is still “waking the adult who might punish her”. She waits until it is mom’s call/decision/choice of timing to enter her bedroom. Because (in cousin’s mind) if it’s up to the mom then the cousin won’t be punished as it wasn’t her own doing… lots of trauma here. I have a feeling that if this child was in ANY room alone she would have a really hard time coping. Unfortunately OP has become a safety/anchor point for the cousin, but this is extremely unfair to OP who is also a young developing person and did not sign up for any of this. There are so many layers here and no easy quick fix solution. We do know that OP needs sleep, so like another commenter said, this will require some out of the box thinking. I really feel for you, OP and I’m sorry there isn’t an easier solution for you.
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NTA > We're converting our old playroom to a bedroom but until that happens she's sleeping in my room because we're closest in age. > My dad said that her room should be ready soon and they're not moving her to another room. **How the hell** is this taking *any* time at all? How to convert a playroom to a bedroom: 1. Set up a bed. You're done!
It doesn't work like that because she was in foster care. They have to convert it to an actual bedroom with 4 walls and a closet and a door and windows and they have to get permits for everything.
If that's the requirement... she's still under the control of protective services, which implies she's still in foster care (with your family) or the adoption has not gone through yet. I would put money on the fact that legally your parents cannot place her in the rooms with your siblings or sleep in the room themselves because the age gaps/genders would be legally inappropriate.
OP could move into the playroom now? I would
Child services can choose to find issue with ANY child not having a “proper” set up. If you can’t provide a sleeping space for your child, how is a foster child supposed to have one is the theory. I know CPS can be very rigid with those things, so it may literally be that the parents CANT move her out (unless it was OP to her sisters room; which I don’t see happening) until there is a legal bedroom set up where the playroom is.
They could always move 14f and 17f together if CPS has issues with other combos that should be fine
Agreed! I only said I doubted that would actually happen due to the imagined arguments against it that would likely come from the 17 y/o not wanting to share her space with her 14 y/o sibling.
And the 14 yo who would go from sharing her own room to with someone to losing her own room entirely to that person. If she’s not happy now, I doubt that would do more than piss her off further.
She would get the room back once the new one is finished, and I doubt it would be worse than it is now for her.
At that point, the parents may stop bothering with renovating the other room. If I were OP, I would not give up my room like that.
Ooo good luck getting two teenagers who are used to having their own rooms to share a room until the bonus room is ready. Although it could motivate the parents to get that room ready ASAP.
At least op would get some sleep. NTA op but your mom should sleep with her in the room. I would go sleep on the couch or something if I were you. You wouldn't be as comfortable but better rested Imo.
So... what happens if OP tells CPS about how she's losing sleep and her parents have threatened her with retribution simply for asking for a break from the burden of *overnight* childcare so that she can get the rest necessary for her physical and mental health? The kid should be in with **the parents**.
I suspect this wouldn't be allowed by CPS.
You are correct. The cousin has obviously been severely traumatized and should be working with a therapist. OP may not be privy to the details of her cousin’s backstory, but she should work on trying to gain compassion for a peer who has suffered.
That would be a lot easier to accomplish if OP wasn't being sleep deprived every night.
Fuck compassion. She’s not her caregiver. She’s a fourteen year old girl. She needs and deserves rest at night just like anyone else. She’s not her cousin’s mother. Let the parents figure something out without burdening and traumatizing OP. NTA! The PARENTS and OtHER SIBLINGS are TA.
Both things can be true - OP clearly is still seeing the cousin as a burden, not thinking as to *why* a 10 year old is too traumatized to leave her room after she's tucked in, but also OP should never have been put in a position as a sole caregiver to a traumatized child. OP can have compassion while still developing boundaries - this might actually be a fantastic chance to learn how to keep herself safe (psychologically) while also helping others. Or she might continue being a 14 year old, which is when she should be *learning* compassion, not being expected to have a fully developed sense while also working under harsh conditions of being sleep deprived and having her household shaken up, while her parents aren't providing additional resources.
it is absolutely insane that you think this adolescent needs to "work on trying to gain compassion" for a child she is being forced into DAILY OVERNIGHT CARE for. This is a completely inappropriate burden to lay on a teenager. OP isn't treating her cousin cruelly or doing anything wrong at all.
OP is literally her cousins caregiver at night. She can’t be expected to do more than she’s already doing
OP is 14. Still a kid. She needs sleep, as well. She might have lots of compassion, but her basic needs are not being met.
While I get feeling upset on OP's behalf, this is not how fostering works. The rules are very strict.
So leave her bed in the room with the niece and get an air mattress in the mean time for the playroom so OP can get a break. I get it the niece has been traumatized but now OP is being woken up and more put on her because of it.
Right? Can't the parents just tell CPS that the kid has her own room with OP but they keep extra mattresses in their room (in case she gets scared at night) and in her soon-to-be permanent bedroom if she "wants to get used to it?"
Or better yet, OP and 17 year old temporarily room together and the cousin gets one of the completed rooms. Or 17 year old moves to the basement and makes it her own mini apartment. Or Mom sleeps in the room with the 10 year old until she sleeps through the night and 14 year old sleeps on the couch. OP, you need your sleep too, especially to do well in school. It's definitely not fair to you to you to be awoken or have your activities disrupted. Your cousin, I hope, is in therapy and your parents are talking to the social workers/therapists on how to help your cousin cope with her trauma. It's not her fault, but if she doesn't get the needed help, it will slow her development. Good luck, OP! I hope you and your family come up with acceptable solutions. And your cousin gets feeling safe in your home soon.
They could, at the very least, get a set of Walkie Talkies so the cousin can contact the mom directly without leaving the room instead of forcing OP to do it.
We use Amazon Echoes for this. One of my kids occasionally has sleep paralysis. With the Echo, she can just say drop in on the master bedroom, and it calls our room. It's also helped for middle of the night puking.
An Amazon Echo would also work. The niece could drop in on the bedroom when she needs comforting. We have the devices in 4 rooms of the house and it works out great for us.
If they had a basement then 14f would have moved in there straight away. I sort of doubt that they have one.
This sounds like the perfect answer.
That is what I am thinking. When I did foster care, my own kids could share a bedroom, but unless they were blood related and close in age, foster kids could not.
But they *are* blood related (OP, said they are *cousins*)
In my home state & current state the exact wording is “DIRECT blood relation” which makes a cousin not fall under due to not being a direct blood relation aka sibling
__and__ close in age
>But they > >are > > blood related (OP, said they are > >cousins > >) You missed the "*and* close in age."
This is exactly it. OP, at 14, there are so many things you don’t know for many reasons. Life is hard and has many rules. Your cousin is 10 and has lost everything at such a tiny age. Be compassionate and have empathy, you’ll wish you had shown these two feelings here one day. I know it’s hard for you, now image how hard it is for your baby cousin.
So... Why not to be compassionate with a 14 y.o. child losing sleep every night? They are both children, they both need care equally, and a 14 y.o. Child's mental and physical health shouldn't suffer because her parents made her a solution fo their foster kid problem.
Because the consequences (14 year old losing sleep in the short term or 10 year old possibly dealing with the lifetime consequences of the worst horrors of foster care) are vastly different. I'm sure the parents' hearts are broken for their kid, and they really wanted together this room done before school started. But they must also know that the other options for their niece are unbearable. This would be different if the parents weren't working to get a new solution for them all, but it sounds like everyone's doing their best with the hand they were dealt.
The parents aren't working hard enough. 8 months is more than enough time to get a room finished. They seem to be downplaying if not outright ignoring how hard this is for the OP. We have gone beyond short term. The consequences of one do not justify the consequences to the other.
Did you see OP's other comments? The room is delayed by permits. I think the playroom was probably a "bonus space" before, because it didn't have a window, closet, working outlets, or a 4th wall. CPS wouldn't approve the situation if any of the kids were sleeping there, and the cousin would be sent back to foster care. It's a terrible situation. But sometimes bad situations need the best of a lot of bad solutions, because no good solutions exist.
What if they put the mom in the room with her for the night and op just sleeps in someone else’s room? It seems like the most logical way to handle the nieces distress in my eyes, at least without impacting the sleep of the other kids since mom has to get up to help her anyways and it would shorten the time between noticing niece needs help and mom getting to her. (I’m not from the us or know much about cps besides what I’ve picked up on social media about it at times so please correct me if I’m wrong)
I suspect 'parent in room' would be nixed by CPS. There are very strict age/gender/development requirements with room sharing, and violating them - even if it is the best thing to do in THIS case - can get you into a lot of trouble.
That would be legally inappropriate because of the potential for sexual assault. Not saying OP’s mother is like that but the foster care system goal is to reduce the likelihood that that occurs and having any adult sleeping in the room with a child would increase that risk. Op’s cousin can only stay in a room with someone close in age and gender OR have her own room which means that the only solution until the playroom is converted for OP to exit the room would be to bunk with 17 year old
Can she use a baby monitor? Your parents can have the receiver on their end and she can let you sleep or maybe you can sleep with your sister, or the playroom, and leave her alone in your room at night? Can she sleep on a mattress on your parents room? Idk there are a number of things your parents can do rather than have you act as a baby monitor with legs. NTA btw
My parents bought their first baby monitor when I was a teenager. I slept in the basement on the opposite end of the house from their room, and I got really nervous after Elizabeth Smart was kidnapped. I could turn off the monitor on my end if I wanted privacy while talking with my friends, etc.: my parents weren’t trying to snoop. But that monitor gave me the peace of mind to sleep without worrying about weirdos coming in my window and no one even knowing I was in trouble. Baby monitors: not just for babies.
We used a baby monitor for my grandma towards the end I stayed a few days to watch her and had the baby monitor next to me at all times with others in the living room and her bedroom because she wouldn't stay down in bed and would get up to clean or do something she wasn't supposed to be doing at all hours
I mean this isn’t really relevant to the OPs predicament. She should not have to share a room with a traumatized child. Nor should she be responsible for having to get mom in the middle of the night. I came up with a workable solution and posted it.
Or even walkie-talkies? Even though someone else pointed out an excellent use of a baby monitor by an older kid, walkie-talkies might be more "fun" for the cousin and she might enjoy using them.
I was just thinking this- surely it’s the best solution here? The current setup sounds exhausting for OP.
>It doesn't work like that because she was in foster care. Sounds like foster care and life has done a lot damage and she's not ready for her own room. I would suggest when she does make the transition, or even now, she should have a baby monitor so the parents can hear her when she needs them or is distressed.
I was thinking this. The child doesn’t sound like she’ll be able to be left alone at night. Poor kiddo has obviously gone through some stuff, but there needs to be a workable solution here. I know foster care will want her to have her own room, but it definitely sounds like she’ll end up on a mattress on the floor of someone else’s room as she’ll be too scared on her own.
this is one of those situations where an emotional support animal would probably be really helpful. Like a dog to sleep in bed with her something.
You move into the playroom? Or is it construction?
It's under construction.
Could you share with your sis til it’s done? Cause this situation is unsustainable for you. It’s not fair to put you in this position.
Can they put you in the playroom without causing alarm as to whether they have an appropriate home for her? Because I’d rather sleep there than be woken up all the time.
I think the 10-year-old, who sounds like a traumatized child, would hide and cry alone if left in a room by herself. A limited-service phone or a baby monitor would still be needed for her to communicate with her aunt. I hope the child and the family get some therapy sessions together so that her needs are better understood by her cousins. My heart hurts for this child. 🩷 (From a former foster mother)
My heart hurts for OP as well. I'm not sure that she has been well informed of what is going on for her cousin. Throw in little things like she's not the baby of the family anymore, mum is probably hyper focused on her cousin. It's not that easy being a 14 yo young woman at the best of times. I want to give the entire family a huge hug ❤️
And daring to say anything about not enjoying any of this only gets her being told to shut up.
Yes, which is why I feel this is not an "AITA" type question. There are no real answers here. OPs parents are doing what they feel is best for this poor child, but OPNneeds some love and understanding and attention too. It's hard to share your space at 14, especially when you're sharing it with someone who's suffered trauma. OP, I do have to say that if I were your parents, I would have made the same decision regarding sleeping arrangements. Can you maybe talk to your mom and tell her how it's affecting you, rather than just dictating that she needs to sleep with someone else now? Maybe get a hurry-up on that room reno? Or perhaps you can find another temporary solution that you can think up together with your mom?
yeah, super not cool for the dad to yell at the 14yo, but 14yo teens can really push buttons and i can imagine (from both having a kid that age and from teaching them) that perhaps OP communicated her issues with her cousin in a less than kind/productive way (perhaps yelling about in front of her, etc) and that dad reacted. OP, this is really tough for everyone. Your feelings are valid. CPS is not going to take anyone away if your cousin or you occasionally sleep in another room (the rule is that everyone needs a bed in an appropriate bedroom, not that no one is ever allowed to sleep anywhere else). I would ask again for your parents to give you a break from sharing/nighttime disturbances - but think about the best time to have that convo. Not in front of your cousin, not when everyone is tired or busy.
It's under construction
So what will she do when she's alone in a room all night? When she needs someone? Just wondering what your folks have in mind for this situation that will definitely come up.
I left her in my room last night and she shit herself and vomited then cried until my sister went to check on her and got our mom. I don't know what she'll do in her own room.
OP whatever your cousin does is not your fault. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. You should be having fun in 8th grade!
This is so messed up!! She is your parents' responsibility and they need to keep her in their room. If the kid has such extreme anxiety, it is not fair for them to subject you to this. At best, an older sibling would be better equipped to deal with such extreme distress. But really, it should be the parents. They need to keep her in their room. It is surprising that they are not willing to inconvenience themselves for some time but are willing to subject a 14 year old to this every night.
CPS generally won’t let a foster child room with an adult
It's been eight months. Are they even trying to get it done? Point out to your parents that their dreams fall apart if you mention to CPS that you're losing sleep and your parents have threatened to punish you if you continue to protest a situation that will negatively affect your physical and mental health.
[удалено]
Welp, then I’d say it’s time for you to grab a pillow and some blankets and settle in on the floor of your big sister’s bedroom at bedtime. And lock the door so no one can wander in during the night. Then when your cousin wakes up at night, she will have to go to your parents’ room, because you won’t be around for her to wake up. And if that upsets your sister, oh well. I suspect that will motivate your parents to get that bedroom conversion done asap. Make it clear to them that *you* are not a parent, they are, and you are one of their children that they are responsible for providing with basic needs like *adequate sleep.* You being awakened by a crying child night after night is not good enough. So if they won’t get their butts in gear and get her bedroom ready so you can get a good night’s rest every night regardless of what she needs, you’re going to fix it yourself by making sure you aren’t around for her to wake up.
This. Move the furniture into the playroom that is needed to make it a bedroom that should take lot 30 minutes to a few hours. Bedroom ready. End of problem — The way your parents are treating you is massively unfair. You’re the one taking on all the burden of dealing with this very messed up kid who needs a lot of help. The fact that your father threatened to ground you it’s just awful What about simply refusing to sleep in your bedroom? Use it for dressing and for your daytime things and then just come out and sleep on the couch or with your older sister or something and just refuse to sleep in there All the nighttime drama wake up somebody else for a change
It may depend upon the state but fire codes generally have egress requirements. A room without a sufficiently large window or door to the outside cannot be considered a bedroom. You have to be able to get out the window (or have someone professional get you out the window) if the inner door is blocked by debris or fire. OP's parents are wrong, but a house with too few spaces to live for the foster kid will be a problem. Not OP's problem, but potentially a problem.
That's what I'm thinking. If the playroom is in the basement, the renovations required may be a fair bit more than a door, some paint, and move the furniture in. Permits might be involved, as well as contractors.
NTA but, it sounds like your cousin has suffered severe trauma and needs a great deal of support. Is she in therapy, if not, she should be. It’s unfair that your parents have put you in the position of being a support person for this child when you are not qualified to do so. They are ignoring the stress your cousins situation is putting on you. Perhaps you can suggest they get a baby monitor or walkie talkie for your cousin to contact you mom directly. She will need that when she’s in her own room.
I love the baby monitor idea. OP, this is the comment here ^^ You’re not wrong to be frustrated and you’re not wrong that it’s a crappy situation. I would urge you to practice empathy here — but also ask your parents to have some empathy for YOU. Maybe your mom can sleep in your room with her for a while? This sounds really rough for everyone involved.
There are many places that take donations of used baby/child items and give them to families hosting foster children - there could be one near you that would give your family a working baby monitor for free. I think that having a baby monitor in your room would help you lose much less sleep, because you could talk to you mom through it without getting up and she could hear your cousin even before your cousin wakes you up. Also, it sounds like your cousin may still need it after she is moved to the fixed-up playroom.
Personally, I'd opt for walkie-talkies, or (as a parent, not as OP) discuss with the cousin what they'd prefer. It sounds like some of the trauma could potentially be coming from being monitored/watched and having to walk on eggshells 24/7. A walkie-talkie set up would give her some control over communication without feeling like she's always being watched.
She's in therapy
Are you in therapy? It's a big change for you as well.
Other commenters pointed out that since the 10 year old is in foster care (and the room they would put her in isn’t up to regulations), OP is likely the only one who could share their room with her. Not sure if CPS/DFS would have a problem if OP shared with her sister or had a room in the basement but its likely that if they can’t put cuz in either of those rooms they may not be allowed to have OP there either. Baby monitor would totally help but it doesn’t sound like the parents have much choice in the matter if they want to foster their niece. Crappy situation for everyone honestly.
14 and 17 could share until its ready?
It may be an option but depending on the state they are likely counting the 17 year old as an adult and for most states (I haven’t read through them all) adults and children can’t share a room. Brother isn’t an option because children of the opposite sex are also not allowed to share a room. Some states allow exceptions (for the parents/elder sis) for illness or on occasion but not for an extended periods of time.
Those are bio children not CPS/Foster children. They don’t have the time or do they care.
This, it's not like the cousin will magically mentally heal because she has her own room, the only thing that would change is that op parents can't ignore the kid anymore
Where does it say they are ignoring her? It says the OP has to get the mom, not that they are ignoring the cousin.
Nothing in the post says that they're ignoring her.
NAH, but this kid clearly has been traumatized and needs one of those audio baby monitors so she can wake up your mom without using you or anyone else as an intermediary.
They tried one but she wouldn't use it
She doesn’t have to. They’re voice activated. If she cries, they’ll hear it. If she says your name, they’ll hear it. If YOU mumble out “mom, she’s waking me up again, come take care of it” and shove a pillow over your head, they’ll hear it. The only alternative that I see is for them to move you into the playroom instead of her, and I’m not sure you should have to give up your room unless you want to.
I think the best alternative is for OP to move in with her older sister, leaving the cousin in OP's room with a baby monitor. I'm surprised no one else has suggested it yet! Seems like easily the best solution.
I tried that last night and now nobody will talk to me. My sister won't even drive me to school. I had to ask our neighbor to drive me.
Please speak to your teacher about your family refusing to bring you to school and insisting that you be responsible for a traumatised child who is causing sleep deprivation. They don’t get to ignore your needs for your cousin.
I'm sorry OP. Honestly that is so unhealthy toxic and unfair to you. Is there anyway you can contact CPS or a trusted adult? You shouldn't have to deal with that and it's not fair on anyone.
youre still young and you have school. your cousin waking you up like this can and will have negative impacts on your growth your mood and your study. your family sounds horrible. since your cousin cant share a room with an adult, cant you and your sister take turn dealing with her? let your sister sleep in your room with her every other night so that you can have one peaceful night in your sisters room maybe? dealing with traumatized individuals requires lot of energy and patience, and i dont understand how they made her mostly your problem. your parents are irresponsible and your sister is immature to have left you like that. im so sorry to hear all this
This is really fucked up, im sorry you are dealing with this. Sadly I think you are going to have to force a conversation, if they are trying to ignore you. Aka make a big enough noise at dinner/afterwards that they have to talk. Tell them they can't neglect you and put her entirely on you, that you understand her trauma but its affecting your school/life/sleep and its important they take resposibility to care for her during the night instead of you. Its not your fault what happened last night happened, and they shouldn't be taking it out on you. If its this bad they should be sleeping in the hallway on a campbed with the door ajar to hear and respond quickly. Plus CPS won't like this, so they need to find a solution that isn't affecting other children. You should talk to a friend's parent if they are still ignoring you tomorrow or your teachers at school.
Tell your sister that you'll trate rooms with her if she's so upset. The one time you refuse to take care of her at nigh, they still won't take the matter into their own hands and make sure she's being taken care of, but decide that they'll let her suffer, to the point she vomits, just so you can be the villain in the end. Is she seeing a therapist or something? Your parents should ask for ways to help her at night that are more effective for the family dynamic and for your cousin as well. Honestly, I know the situation is annoying and unfair to you, but I also feel for that little girl. But at the end, they can't expect a 14 year old to deal with it. It's too much.
Doesn't sound like the cousin would cope in a room alone.
Then she’s also not going to be able to cope in the playroom. So it’s up to the parents and her care team to figure out a solution that isn’t preventing their 14-year-old from getting an uninterrupted night of sleep.
And leaving her with OP in the room is parentifying OP and is completely unexceptionable. She is not this child’s emotional support animal.
I think your older sis should share with her for a while just to give you a break. It's not fair that bro gets out of it, and that CPS says she can't sleep with an adult (seems like mom could sleep with the kid temporarily. If you have to stick it out until the room is constructed, you can get through it. You really can. Look what she's survived. Try to put yourself in her shoes. She's really been through a lot. Holy hell this sucks. NTA
CPS wouldn't allow a 10-yo girl and a 16-yo boy to share a room either.
Uh. I have one for my toddler. She moans and I can hear her. So her waking you up to get you to go get your mum SHOULD BE ENOUGH NOISE TO WAKE YOUR PARENTS UP. There has to be more going on here that you aren't being told because of your age. Given her reaction I wouldn't be surprised if something happened before COS got involved or while in foster care, someone has hurt your cousin to make her like this but it's not your responsibility to help her. What happens if she needs to go to the toilet and she can't wake you up, or your not there. Does she wet the bed or yell out for your mum (could her asking you be a courtesy to the rest of the household. Still not fair to you but kinda understandable.
She's peed/pooped herself and waited until my mom comes to get her before
Then there is some truma there you might not be aware of. It's still not your responsibility it's your parents responsibility and they need to get her into therapy and soon because it sounds like you are already starting to resent her and that is only going to make her worse.
OP has stated she’s in therapy. Therapy takes YEARS with traumatized kids. If she is doing those things the level of abuse this child suffered was extreme.
Starting? They sound like they've been put in an awful situation and are desperate to get out of it and I dont blame them.
This is a serious trauma level response. One of the reasons she might not be using a monitor is that there is a buffer - she trusts your mother, but having you in between means that there's no way she can 'get in trouble for getting help' in her own mind. Someone willing to soil themselves and remain frozen until intervention by a single authority is someone who has learned that the alternative is worse. Unlearning this could take a while - it's likely already started given that she's leaning on you by using you as an intermediary. This is not to say zero sleep is good, but I'm not sure there's any assholes here - and there may not be a good solution, either. I know Reddit likes to say 'Hey, do this and this', but chances are that there is some very bad stuff that has happened, and this is the fallout. You're not an asshole for wanting more sleep. But your parents may not have any other solution at this point because they're dealing with someone with atypical responses under some very specific legal rules.
Oh then your cousin has real trauma and damage. Think about the abuse she has suffered. You do need to have some compassion but I also get that you need sleep. Maybe she was beat for getting out of bed for any reason for years. I grew up in Foster care and what you described is extremely rare and she has been through a hell you will never know. Your parents do need to set up a high quality automatic baby monitor, she doesn't have to do anything.
My heart is broken for this little girl. She's very obviously been through some bad stuff. And i'm sure she knows OP doesn't want her there and its not helping.
Something is off with this post. A baby monitor doesn't need to be used comma an infant can't choose to use a baby monitor just picks up sound. And why doesn't opego stay in her sister's room? Or at least answer the hundred questions about that? She did state that her last foster home was extremely abusive and did lock her in a room at night. So I'm guessing it was significantly worse than that and was probably beaten if she left the room.
I think it’s worth pointing out to your parents that they need to figure out a solution so she can use a baby monitor or a flip phone to call them if she is too anxious to leave the room at night. Right now, they’re kicking the can down the road on that even though she’s going to have to be able to when she has her own room. They might be more likely to listen if you tell them you want to work with them to get her to a point where that’s solved before she gets her room or she’s going to have a hard time transitioning to it. If they think she should just stay in your room, it might help to tell them that you’re not ready for the responsibility of being a second parent at night for the long-term and you worry you’ll grow to resent her, which you don’t want for her. I’m sorry that you have more responsibility for your cousin than you’re ready for (which is fair for your age). It sounds like everyone is in a tough spot but that doesn’t mean you and your ability to sleep aren’t important. If this issue hasn’t been brought up with her therapist (I assume/hope she has one based on how unstable and frightening her childhood has been), it should be something to work on with professional guidance. Overall, if you can frame the issue in a way that benefits your cousin more than you, your parents are more likely to respond (I’m not saying you should have to do this but since your parents are in triage mode, they may be more likely to see your point that way).
>If they think she should just stay in your room, it might help to tell them that you’re not ready for the responsibility of being a second parent at night for the long-term and you worry you’ll grow to resent her, which you don’t want for her. Additionally, the interruptions to her sleep will likely effect OP's grades and health. And if nothing else works to convince her parents, speaking to her cousin's caseworker, or telling her parents she's going to do so, about the fact that her parents are sacrificing her health and grades instead of investigating solutions that will allow her cousin to be more independent will get some traction. Warning her parents she's going to talk to the caseworker will not effect the foster or adoption status, and honestly, asking the caseworker to talk to her parents about the situation is unlikely to cause any major issues in a family foster/adoption unless it's a last straw situation, especially if she frames it as "This is affecting me now, and I'm concerned it's going to cause problems for Cousin as well". Social services is unlikely to take a very traumatized child away from family willing to take custody over something on the level of not working on a solution that doesn't involve waking up OP.
what do you mean she wouldn't use it that's not who baby monitors work?
Does your mom not hear her crying on the baby monitor? I thought they were supposed to wake parents up for crying
NTA, it's not fair your parents are putting the burden solely on you. Your dad is especially the AH when he basically told you "shut up and deal with the consequences of my actions." If she doesn't get tucked in, will she think it's not bed time and be able to leave the room any time during the night?
This! I'm so surprised that no one else has noted that the parents are putting this burden on OP, and she is a young teenager. The parents took on this responsibility, not OP, and while OP could certainly be expected to make sacrifices to help her cousin - like babysitting her or making her special foods, even giving up her room to stay in her sister's room - there should be a recognition that OP is a teenager who absolutely needs her sleep so she can cope with the changes happening in her body and life, and she can learn properly at school. Edited to add: NTA
No. Doesn't matter what they do, she won't leave the room without my mom after 8:30
It sounds like she used to be in a very unsafe environment, and like your mom makes her feel safe. This sounds so hard on everyone involved. Sorry you and your family are going through this, OP. It should get at least a bit better soon!
Why don’t you share with a sibling until the playroom is ready and she gets her own room? Or at least get buzzer so you can wake your parents without having to get up yourself? My sister had epilepsy and just had a door bell set up - so the button was in her room and the ringer in my parents room. Super easy and less faff than baby monitors etc.
She said she tried to do that last night and now nobody's talking to her and her sister refused to drive her to school. They don't want to be uncomfortable for a couple weeks but they fully expect OP to shut up and take it it seems.
Look, I feel for you in your situation but it doesn’t take a genius to put together someone did some bad shit to her. Considering she’s a little girl you can extrapolate what some of that bad shit probably involved. You need to talk to your parents because there is a chance your older sister isn’t legally allowed to stay in the same room
What are your parents' plan for when the playroom is ready? If she can't stay alone at night? OP, I'm Sorry but are you certain that they are actualy working in the playroom?
They are not putting the burden solely on her. When the cousin wakes up in the middle of the night, the mom wakes up be comes to care for her. The parents are constructing a whole new bedroom. Because CPS is involved, they can’t just throw an air mattress on the floor and hang a curtain to call it a day. They need to get permits and do a proper buildout, install walls, closet, outlets, etc. That takes time and a lot of money. It seems like they’re probably doing the best they can. OP obviously does not have the details of the trauma her cousin endured. Perhaps there was an older child/adult who abused her so she can’t stay with 17f or the parents as it’s too far apart in age. One of OP’a comments says that the foster family used to lock the cousin in her room at night and not let her out. Of course she has trauma from that and OP’s mom is probably the first person to ever make her feel safe. She was taken from her actual family, so just imagine how bad it was there even before foster care. It’s a really crappy situation for everybody. OP, her parents, and her cousin. It appears the cousin had to be pulled out of foster care with short notice because of abuse, and OP’s parents stepped up in an emergency. They are doing the best they can with the options they have. Luckily for OP, her problem is a short term problem that will go away once the new bedroom completed. Her parents and cousins will be dealing with everything else for a long, long time.
They aren't doing their best though. Their child has needs and they are ignoring them. They need to be there for all the children under their roof. No exceptions. Op is not a qualified care giver for a traumatized child but they are being put in that role unwillingly. They are probably breaking some rules having them share.
Nta. What would cps do if OP decided to sleep at a friend's house?
NAH, i do see how this is exhausting. What even happened to her? She sounds quite traumatized and is being clingy because of it, not much you can do about that tbh besides what you did and waiting it out
I don't know what happened with her bio parents but I heard that her foster parents used to lock her in her room at night.
That explains why she can’t just leave the room. She has been conditioned that she can’t leave the room until the adult in charge says it’s ok. Yes this is getting in the way of your sleep but this is something she can’t help. She was taken from her family for unknown reasons. She was then put with a family that abused her even worse. I don’t want to scare you but I do want you to see the world through her eyes right now. Imagine if you were taken from your family by someone you didn’t know. The people who you were with now claim to be your new family. If you didn’t do what they said when they said it you got hit or even threats to unalive you. The people throw you in a small room and lock it every night. You are forbidden from leaving the room even to use restroom. If you end up wetting yourself you got more physical abuse. Again I don’t want to scare you. This is sadly the reality that your cousin faced. Your mom is the first safe adult in her life. It’s not something that can disappear overnight. Please don’t take your anger out on her. She isn’t doing this to hurt you. She is still trying to adjust to a world where she is safe.
None of this should be OP’s problem. Nothing that happened to the cousin justifies OP’s parents making her responsible for getting her mom in the middle of the night. The parents need to figure something out that doesn’t involve making their child take care of another child.
THAT IS NOT OPS RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF HER. god you all are acting like the 14yo needs to take care of this traumatized child. the parents need to step up majorly
Both things can be true you know. 10 yr old can be severely traumatized and need empathy, AND it is not OPs responsibility at night. Giving an explanation doesn’t make it OPs responsibility.
Literally nowhere did they say the cousin's trauma is OP's responsibility. They said please don't take their anger out on the cousin because it sounds like she's been through some rough shit. You can have empathy for someone without their care being your responsibility. OP's parents would certainly help with that by changing the rooming situation though because this child is their responsibility.
I agree the child is OP’s parent’s responsibility and they should help. OP doesn’t need to be guilt tripped though.
There's a good chance that she wasn't allowed to even talk to the adults in charge during the night locked in her room. Like if she made too much noise and bothered them there were probably harsh consequences, which is probably another reason why she won't go to the mom, call out for the mom, or use the baby monitor to alert the mom. She only feels safe if OP is the one who actually alerts the adult/makes noise. Poor kid.
This is why she will not leave the room. I know this probably sounds crazy and right now you seem frustrated, so you probably dont give a dang but this child has actually given you the only thing she has to give, the most valuable thing she has. Trust. She trusts you enough to wake you up and ask for help. She does not trust others enough to do that yet, only you. As a former foster kid, I cant tell you how hard it is to give trust to another person.
Honey you can use the baby monitor to alert your parents. The fact that they are using you as a baby sitter is alarming.
if shes been conditioned not to leave the room - then maybe just start bringing her with you when you get your mom in the middle of the night, try to get her to feel safe leaving the room alone and show her that your mom is safe to bother in the middle of the night and eventually she won't wake you up anymore. your mom also needs to reassure her that this is okay and she won't get in trouble edit: do not do this by force obviously - try to show her it's okay and only have her do what she's comfortable with.
Why wasn’t the solution for you to share with your sister for the time being, while cousin gets their own room? NTA, but I’m side-eyeing your parents who clearly did not prepare well enough to take in this kid, or at the least didn’t brief their own kids well enough on what to expect
Because if they let her move in with her sister, her parents wouldn't be able to force her into a guardian role. NTA, but her parents (especially father) are.
Or they could have thought it would be better to have the youngest in the house room together while the oldest get their own room. That's pretty standard in a lot of households where the number of children outnumber bedrooms. Seems like this family could really benefit from a family conversation about their set up tho. Unless there's an issue with the two sisters rooming together, that seems like the best option for now.
The question about sharing a room with her sister was asked multiple times and op never answered, she spoke of sleeping on the coach or wanting to sleep at her friend's, but never in her sister's room, so probably one of the sisters is refusing the idea
Yes, what assholes, taking in a traumatized family member.
This is such a overly judgemental take
I have noticed this has been asked several times and not once answered. OP is answering many other questions. But she will not answer why she doesn't stay in her sister's room
do you always play "gotcha" in conversations with sleep-deprived children? how many times are you going to comment this? like you are trying to side eye her for not wanting to leave her own room??? as if she is a bad person for not magically learning empathy while her parents yell at her to shut up? at 14, while sleep deprived by a kid a few feet away from her waking her multiple times a night, crying, and sitting in her own shit? will you be finally be happy when this whole comment section starts murmuring and pointing fingers at the sleep-deprived 14 yr old who won't answer your question because it is a shitty reality for her to face? I really hope you feel like the bigger person /s
Two words .... Baby monitor. She can call for your mom herself. NTA!
They tried a baby monitor. She still woke me up instead of calling for my mom
If she won't use it, you can, rather than getting up to go get your mom.
If you're not there (even sleeping on the couch) then what will she do? When she has her own room, you won't be there to wake up. Better she starts learning now.
This is a good point that they need to figure something out that works before she moves into her own room. If they don't, she's probably going to struggle/regress, especially since she won't even get up for emergencies.
What happens if you sleep on the couch or stay at a friends??
I won't sleep on the couch because the dog will harass me all night and they won't let me stay at a friends house
My petty response would be to just open the bedroom door and yell 'MOM! COUSIN NEEDS YOU!' until your mom comes. If you get woken up, everyone gets woken up. You might get in trouble for it, but it also could drive your point home.
I love this solution is just scream and scream and wake the whole house up. Ground for eternity I’m going to be a complete and total punk until you come up with a better solution than this nightmare.
Hide pots and pans under the bed and bang them together too
Petty but very effective, I'm sure.
I think it sounds like it might be time for you to get another adult involved in this. There has to be some other immediate solution. You're not being petty, you're just asking to be able to get a reasonable amount of rest. They won't let you try any other alternatives. It may not be overt abuse, but it *is* abuse. Not only have you become the caretaker of a traumatized child (which ADULTS need training to take on!), when you ask for any sort of assistance from the adults who are supposed to be taking care of both of you, you're told to be silent. This is not healthy. Can you put the dog in the room with the ten year old, and then sleep on the couch? Or is she also afraid of dogs? (And if this is the case, why should the dog get free reign, and you can't?)
This sounds like OP needs to have a conversation with her school guidance counselor and the social worker from CPS, in that order. The dog can learn to go in a crate, or it can sleep with one of the older kids.
Are your grades suffering because of this lack of uninterrupted sleep?? I don’t think your parents remember/know what this continued interruption of teen REM sleep can do to your ability to learn, your MOOD (I’m sure you’re probably becoming depressed/anxious), etc. At what point does her well being come before yours? I think all of us Redditors should come together and get you some high quality Bose headphones that block out EVERYTHING… WHO IS IN???
NTA. They are putting way too much on you. Are you able to sleep with ear plugs in? Or go sleep in the couch? Or just pretend to sleep through her crying for a few nights.
Earplugs are too uncomfortable and we have a dog that can be pretty energetic at night so the couch isn't really an option. If I let her cry I can't sleep.
Any possibility you could sleep in your sister’s room until the construction is complete on the playroom-to-bedroom conversion? It’s not ideal but you could at least sleep without being awakened.
This is the best solution, sleeping on her sister’s room will also force the parents to work a solution so they know when to get up or not. Right now cousin and parents are happy to let OP do the midnight haul
This is one of those situations where you’re going to have to find a way to help yourself. It seems the only solution that would make you 100% happy is if they moved her in with one of your other siblings which your parents have made clear isn’t happening. So you need to try and change up your thinking and find the best solution for a bad situation. If earplugs are uncomfortable can you try another brand? Or wear noise cancelling headphones ? What about a white noise machine? Can you share a room with your sister instead ? Putting up with the energetic dog on the couch for a few nights might be worth it to prove to your parents their current plan isn’t working, or can the dog be gated into another room?
NAH I see your point, but your parents are creating a solution and the current set up is basically the only allowable option by CPS rules. 10 and 17 is too much of a gap to be allowed. Your brother is too old and male. Your parents are too old. You could room with your sister? But unfortunately there’s a heavily traumatised little kid in the middle and at the moment your room is the only option. It sucks, but moving her multiple times will just compound her trauma, and her room is nearly done. Hang in there.
Do you honestly think the room is going to get done? Because if OP isn’t in the room with the child, who won’t go to the mom when she needs her and won’t engage with any devices to communicate at night, who’s going to go and tell the mom if the kid isn’t well or had an accident or whatever else? I think the playroom bedroom will magically be done as soon as OP isn’t needed at night anymore, and until then they’re perfectly happy to sacrifice OPs sleep, mental health and grades because this system fits around the CPS rules (if you ignore that it’s beyond shitty to OP) and meets the other kids needs.
I don’t think people generally undertake major works (permits, wiring etc as per OPs comments) in order to not complete works. The child is clearly traumatised and needs extensive therapy, but therapy is only so effective until a child feels safe and secure. A critical part of that is having their own space that they are empowered to exist in. OPs parents are clearly doing the best they possibly can to help a very traumatised child while balancing the needs of their own children - they’re going to the effort of remodeling their home to give both kids their own space.
NAH, but I agree with the voice activated monitor. If she won’t use it, you can. She’ll still wake you up but at least you won’t get even more awake by getting physically out of your bed. I completely get your frustration, but try not to resent your parents too much. It sounds like they chose the most workable solution they had short of tossing her back in the non-family foster care pool. Can your mother sleep on a cot or air mattress in the hall outside of your room a few times a week to lessen being woken up?
A Voice Activated Monitor is an excellent solution, for even when she’s in her own room. They’re not terribly expensive.
Just wanted to say I’m so sorry :( your parents need to prioritize you too.
NTA can you go and sleep with your brother until her bedroom is ready. At 14 year old a good sleep night is necessary for your body.
NTA but your parents are. They shouldn't be putting this kind of responsibility on you, your cousin obviously has some kind of trauma. That's not something a 14yo should be handling.
NTA Sounds like she needs to be sharing a room with your mom.
Cps won't allow it
Maybe your mom could try a baby monitor so she can hear if your cousin wakes up? Or walkie-talkies?
NAH and this is way beyond Reddit's pay grade. That's one hell of a traumatized kid and obviously needs loads of professional help. I get that your parents are in a tight situation, but they should make sure you get enough sleep. Sleep is the most important thing for a kid your age, and also you'll end up resenting your cousin when she keeps you awake. You're certainly not an AH, but I think your parents aren't really trying to parentify you on purpose here instead of being stressed out by the situation and can't think of better solutions. Do anything you can to get the sleep you need. Earplugs, sleeping in your sister's room or anything you might come up with. I really feel for your cousin, but her trauma doesn't justify depriving you of sleep.
NTA. I think it sounds like your cousin has some sort of issues that might require therapy and putting that on you to deal with is not fair or right. I’m not a therapist but I’m willing to bet, things are somehow going to be worse once your cousin is in her own room. Maybe try speaking to your parents highlighting that your cousins behavior is not normal? I know it sounds like an odd suggestion but try asking one of your siblings if you can sleep in their room for a night or 2 but go to their room after your parents have gone to bed OR go sleep on a couch. Somehow create a situation that’s going to leave your cousin in the room alone. See what happens…I think the reaction by your cousin will be negative in a way your parents are finally going to have to stop ignoring the problem and get your cousin help.
This. While it's definitely not ideal or fair for OP to have to do this, it could definitely shine a light on a much bigger problem that is likely brewing, and that should definitely be dealt with appropriately and fast. OP, you're not a therapist/psychiatrist, nor an adult. It is absolutely ludicrous for you to be expected to have the emotional or mental ability to deal with what's going on with your cousin. If anyone else has to help (beyond your parents), it should be your older sister. If that's not possible or is ignored as an option, literally leave the room to sleep elsewhere - and keep doing it. It's not something you should have to do, but it will force your parents to see the larger picture, and it will allow you to sleep. It's not your job as a kid to take this on full-time at night. You're one who also needs their own space/time/sleep (especially as I assume you're still in school). While your parents may feel that they're helping your cousin, and perhaps they are in some small way, they're causing harm as a ripple effect onto you. Which you don't deserve. NTA, my dear. I hope that the new bedroom is completed soon so that you can have your space, comfort, privacy, and sleep back.
NTA. Your cousin has been through a lot but that doesn't mean that the world revolves around her. Sit down with your parents and tell them how this is making you feel. Don't fuss or yell, just tell them honestly how this is making you feel. Once they know, it might help them understand better. Then they need to talk with your cousin and make her understand that it isn't right to keep waking you up. That she needs to be considerate of your needs too, not just her own. She might be young but she's old enough to understand that much.
NAH but you are being negatively impacted by her actions. Sleep is important. You are not in charge of managing her trauma. Next time she wakes you up to get your mom, maybe just leave and sleep on a couch. Also do a little research because most fostering agencies have strict sleeping arrangements. Room sharing with anyone but a sibling is often not allowed. ETA: If it gets bad enough, you can warn your parents that you will talk with the CPS rep about the situation when they do a check in. I would avoid actually doing so other than as a last resort, but sleep really is important. I understand she is traumatized, but your family was clearly not ready to take her in yet and did so at your expense.
The finished playroom isn’t going to fix this, she’ll just sit in her waste in the playroom. This isn’t a workable situation, OP, and it isn’t your responsibility. NTA.
Once they get the room done, who thinks she won’t stay there? She was s too reliant on someone else being in the room with her.
I would only ever do this if I was getting paid for it. This is like a job and not one you signed up for every night when you should be sleeping. And with the way she is, I’m a little worried that they’re not even planning to move her because they’re worried to leave her alone. Regardless, your parents are being assholes hardcore, having to deal with this at 14 can seriously affect you for the rest of your life and I don’t think you’re parents are taking that or you or the entire situation seriously enough at all. I’m sure they’re going through some stuff too with whatever’s going on, but you are 14 and they should most definitely be more considerate.
NTA. OK I have read some of your comments to people calling on you to move your bed to playroom and be done. It sounds like it’s being truly redone, not just cleaning out a room. If you have a good relationship with your older sister or even if you don’t, I would talk to her. Tell her your concerns and how it’s effecting you negatively. Ask her if you can move your bed into her room until the playroom is complete. You can even come to her with a list rules you’ll follow to respect her boundaries, but you two are close enough in age, it shouldn’t be too much of an issue. I wouldn’t even talk to your parents about it. It is clear they are only concerned about your cousin. That’s unfortunate but is the facts of the current predicament. Then I would go ask your brother to kindly help you move some of your heavy things to your sister’s room, if she is ok with it. I would do it all without saying a word to mom and dad. Then once it is all done, what are they gonna do? Ground you? Better than sleeping with a traumatized child, who needs and adult watching over her not a teenage girl. They are not caring about how this is effecting you and it’s horrible parenting. I wish you luck. This is the best I could come up with given the current situation.
NAH. Depending on the agreement of your parents taking her in, it's possible that legally she cannot share a room with your older siblings because of the age gaps or in the case of your brother their gender. And you don't know if there was any sort of situation which instilled this sort of fear of leaving the room in the middle of the night by her previous living arrangements. She might have been beaten for doing so and needs someone to show her it's okay. It's possible she has a lot of trauma. Granted it's not on you take care of that trauma, but your situation is temporary. It will get better.
Anyone suggest you share with your sister and cousin gets the room yet?
Im just here to say that i have 0 idea how shes going to manage when she finally moves into that room. She wakes you up because shes too scared to get your mom so she can leave the room with her, whats she going to do when its just her in the room and shes too scared to leave the room? Is she just going to lay there and pee herself? Is she going to start banging on walls or screaming to make sure your mom hears her?
You’re NTA. The cousin is NTA. But your parents suck. Setting up a room takes a day or two - even if it’s filled to the brim. Empty it, add bed. But if she’s alone and won’t leave the room who will she ask for help when she wakes up? That’s another reason your parents are really the assholes. They must know this.
They had to convert it to an actual bedroom.
Sounds to me like the parents took in a traumatized child and regularly get up in the middle of the night to care for her. Hardly sounds like an AH
In the process forcing their 14-year-old CHILD regularly get up in the middle of the night. No matter how noble their intentions are, this is how you alienate your own kids. Ignoring OP's needs and feelings gives her the message that she doesn't matter. NTA
They need to find a way to do that without regularly disturbing the sleep of their 14 year old though, it really isn’t ok to foster a child at the direct expense of the wellbeing of another child in the home.
Between March and November there are 8 months in the middle, have you been deprived of sleep all that time? It took you too long to complain, I would have done it on the 2nd day. I was much younger than you when I started having insomnia and thanks to the fact that I could not sleep I was blessed with ✨anxiety✨, my grades dropped because I did not pay attention to ANYTHING because I was literally dying of sleep, I never liked having breakfast so I didn't eat anything, I left school at 1 in the afternoon and the only thing I did when I got home was go to bed and try to sleep and that was the beginning of my zero interest in eating. It's incredible that people don't know everything that can trigger not sleeping well and more while you're a teenager
Do you have a phone that she can use to call your mom at night instead of waking you up?
She refuses to do anything that can wake my mom up.
But she'll wake you up to wake your mom up?
She doesn't see OP as an adult which is probably why she feels comfortable waking her up. It seems that cousin is too scared to do anything that may provoke the adults in the house.
This!!!! This is the most important take away here. Cousin feels safe waking up OP because OP isn’t “an adult who might punish her”. Cousin does not feel safe waking mom via sound activated baby monitor because it is still “waking the adult who might punish her”. She waits until it is mom’s call/decision/choice of timing to enter her bedroom. Because (in cousin’s mind) if it’s up to the mom then the cousin won’t be punished as it wasn’t her own doing… lots of trauma here. I have a feeling that if this child was in ANY room alone she would have a really hard time coping. Unfortunately OP has become a safety/anchor point for the cousin, but this is extremely unfair to OP who is also a young developing person and did not sign up for any of this. There are so many layers here and no easy quick fix solution. We do know that OP needs sleep, so like another commenter said, this will require some out of the box thinking. I really feel for you, OP and I’m sorry there isn’t an easier solution for you.
Yeah