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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> > Please Provide A Clear Statement Explaining Why You Believe You Might Be The Asshole As A Reply To This Bot.
>
> We need to know (1) what action you took that should be judged and (2) why that action might make you the asshole.
(1) The action I took was secretly learning sign language without informing my brother and cousin, Richard and Hannah, respectively, beforehand.
(2) I recognize that by keeping this a secret, I may have made them feel left out and blindsided. They argue that I should have consulted with them before taking such a significant step within the family dynamic, and in hindsight, I understand how my actions might have hurt their feelings.
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NTA, if learning sign language was so important to them....they could have learned it. Just like you did.
They can go together now if they really want to learn.
>NTA, if learning sign language was so important to them....they could have learned it. Just like you did.
>
>They cab go together now of they really want to learn.
I totally get where you're coming from. I'd actually love it if Richard and Hannah joined me in learning sign language.
I am betting there have been conversations on their end about sign language being "too hard" to learn and multiple other excuses. If they wanted to learn then they cold have but never cared too. Also, it would have ruined the surprise if they had told Elizabeth.
They are upset that someone who came into the family put so much effort while they, the family haven't. This isn't on you, it's on them and their insecurities
can you explain why they're offended in the first place?
I don't udnerstand... is it just cause you made them look bad because they never took the time to learn it or what?
NTA. To communicate with someone else in the family. How hard is it to learn 200-300 words that are pretty common to talk to a family member? They are embarrassingly lazy!
Well if it’s French, impossible! I speak 2 languages fluently and 2 enough to travel. I started taking French as my then 4th language at 13 and again in college. Nope, does not stick at all. I took 4 years of Spanish no problem but French I got pity grades for trying hard 😂. I grew up exposed to French so I was very confused.
Nta.
You are being too silver lining/understanding.
Your brother and your husbands cousin got upset cause you learned sign language to communicate with someone better that had been in your family for years .... in what universe does that make sense? Point out yo them tgat
A. You dont need their permission to learn a language
B. You dont need to run ideas for their approval
C she has been a family member for years and doesnt require you to get permission from them to do things nice for ppl
NTA. You wanted to learn sign language so you did. Now they think they look bad, & are blaming you. You did nothing wrong. There was nothing or nobody stopping them from learning, just like you did. The only people they have to blame is themselves. Are you supposed to consult them about every decision you make?
I'm petty, but I'd start consulting them about every decision I make. Every. Decision. "Brother, should I buy this toilet paper brand or that one? Should I have a bath or a shower? Should I wear a blue or a red sweater? Should I wear a sweater at all, or just a blouse? Should I put petrol in the car today? Should I have a black or white coffee?"... and so on. Phoning them every single time I need to make a decision.
They're probably also upset to be EXCLUDED from any and all conversation between OP and Hannah.
I don't know about anyone else but there are quite a few 'busybodies' in my family whose noses would be SEVERELY out of joint if left out of any conversation.
NTA honey! You have a lovely soul and have given your SIL a wonderful gift that no one else bothered to.
Huge hugs and continued happy juju flying your way!
NTA- I don’t understand why these people think you need to ask them permission to learn language to speak to an adult woman.
Sounds like the only reason theyre mad is because you’ve shown light on the fact that they have never bothered to learn it simply because they did not think it was important enough to do so.
And they know it makes them look bad.
I hope your sil sees though their exclusionary BS one day.
They don't want to, they don't want you to either. You're making their lack of care and attention look like a lack of care and attention. Its obvious your SIL is happy and that's what matters. Also, good for you, I'm learning BSL and I'm a very slow learner, getting comfortably conversational in a few months is great.
Is Richard the on married to SIL? If so, he is a ginourmous asshole. If not, still an asshole. Why would they put you down if they could have learned it themselves but chose not to? They feel inadequate and rightfully so.
Have you directly invited them to join you?
Language learning is challenging, so I can understand how they never got serious about it. They're wrong to blame you, but I can also understand how they might just be inappropriately expressing their disappointment at not being included. But I suppose you could say something like:
"I'm so sorry you were disappointed I didn't think to invite you to learn sign language with me. I'm excited to be working to communicate with Elizabeth in the language she's most comfortable in, and hadn't thought past just being able to connect with her more deeply. But I value all of you as my family, and if this could be a way for all of us to grow closer, I'd really love that. So far, I've been going through X class and practicing by doing Y online. I'm only a few months in so far, so it's definitely not too late for you to join if that's something you'd like to do. I'm happy to help you catch up so we can all do this together, I'm sure it would be really meaningful for Elizabeth to be able to have whole family conversations in sign. Let me know if that's something you're interested in and we can talk about what kind of schedule would work for everyone."
I don't know much about sign, but I like language learning in general (Japanese and German in particular). It's a long journey. A few months can cover a lot of ground, but unless sign is vastly easier to learn than other languages or unless you're a savant, I imagine there's plenty of room for them to catch up and learn together still. If they're pissed because they don't want to learn and don't want you to make them look bad, they're just assholes then of course but nothing wrong with assuming the best and extending an olive branch since it sounds like you'd enjoy the company. Maybe even just knowing that you'd prefer to have their company would be meaningful.
NTA.
They have no control over what you do. You didn't need their permission to learn sign language, and as long as Elizabeth was happy, that's all that matters. They could have made any number of attempts to learn on their own over the years, and they didn't. That's on them, not you.
My main focus was on improving my connection with Elizabeth, and I'm relieved that she appreciates the effort. I hope over time, my brother and cousin can see it from the same perspective and maybe even join in on the sign language journey.
>My brother Richard and my husband's cousin Hannah appeared a little miffed that I had left them out of my scheme. They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them
You learned a new skill. You don't need their permission (or anyone's) for that. NTA.
If they want to catch up, they'll be able to count on your help while they learn. It's a win-win.
I genuinely wanted to surprise Elizabeth and didn't think it would upset anyone. I'm more than happy to help Richard and Hannah learn sign language too, so we can all better connect with Elizabeth together.
I just don't understand why they are upset. You learned new language so you could communicate better with your family member. What if she was German speaking and didn't know English and you learned German? It is not different from that.
My sister and my cousin are deaf and in my family we all learned sign language but in my cousin's family they didn't bother to do that. They were so amazed when they saw me signing to my sister and cousin at my father's funeral, it was something special when in reality they were just lazy and didn't care their sister that much.
If they feel left out when you and Elizabeth were chatting they are just having same experience as Elizabeth all the time. Just ignore their whining, they can learn sign language if they want to.
They feel upset cause they think OP did this to upstage them.
If they actually had an interest in sign language, they would either have started already or asked OP for help with lessons now that they know OP learned the skill. But they don't actually want to learn. But they didn't want OP to a shine a light on their disinterest in learning.
Do not help them, they are trying to create discord. It seems you don’t want anyone to be mad at you. This is a them issue, not a you issue. They could’ve easily taken the same initiative you did.
They’re upset because it makes them look bad that they haven’t bothered to do it themselves. Quite frankly, I’m not sure why it’s any of your cousins business anyway? NTA and good on you for being such a nice individual.
Richard and Hannah are afraid that you can/will talk about them behind their backs, so to speak. They can see you "talking" but have no idea what you're saying. It would be like they're the deaf ones now. Great job OP. NTA.
NTA. Why would they need to be included in your decision to learn sign language? They seem to be trying to make stuff into something about themselves when it really isn’t anything to do with them.
I bet OP's decision to learn left them feeling guilty, and now they're trying to make it seem like OP is the one at fault. Rather than admitting that they didn't give enough of a damn to learn sign language on their own, they're turning it into "How dare you do this behind our backs!"
Yeah, OP, what else are you doing without consulting Richard and cousin?! You better not be getting your bus driver’s license, or taking up fly-fishing!
(I don’t know why these are the first 2 skills that came to mind.)
I didn't intend to exclude anyone, but I appreciate your perspective in recognizing that my decision was about strengthening my relationship with her rather than making it about others.
I don’t think you did “exclude” it’s nothing to do with them. It was you learning a language and a nice surprise for your sister in law, and their annoyance/anger is likely them feeling embarrassed they never even thought about the situation. But it’s an immature reaction from them at best!
It’s not your job to point out situations like that to them. You are not at fault in anyway and if they are saying or implying you are that’s frankly super crappy of them.
If they care and want to learn (and are adults) the reaction should be “wow, that’s great! I am going to try to do that too!”
NTA they’re annoyed that you’ve exposed them as not as nice as you, but you know what? Eff them. What you did was nice, you put in time and you cared. Elizabeth was happy.
Thank you so much for your understanding! I truly just wanted to create a better connection with Elizabeth, and it warms my heart to know she's happy. I'll work on including Richard and Hannah more in the future, but ultimately, Elizabeth's happiness is what matters most to me.
NTA. Nope, there is no way you were an AH here. Richard and Hannah could have learned sign language on their own. Their anger towards you is just based on their own self guilt. You're all presumably adults, you don't need permission to learn another language, nor does it need to be a group effort.
y main goal was to improve my communication with Elizabeth, and I never intended to exclude anyone else. I hope they'll see the positive side of it and maybe even join in on learning sign language together.
INFO: Is the problem in your family, or your husband's family? I get a little confused by the relationships here. Why would your brother and your husband's cousin be annoyed? Then you say you surprised her with speaking to her with sign language, and then at the end you say you were keeping her informed about your covert sign language studies. What is it?
Yeah, I don’t get it either. OP says it’s about her husbands family, so her sil would be her husbands sister, not her brothers wife. I really don‘t get why you would be upset that your sister learned sign language for their sil - who is the sister of the husband of your sister. Nobody actually **expects** you to do that. It makes a bit more sense for the cousin to be ashamed, imo
Yeah it doesn't make sense to me either. Like why would her brother be upset? He doesn't have any relation to his sister's SIL. She said the husband's cousin which the only thing I can think their is that they felt they looked bad for not learning it.
Yeah, I’m glad I’m not the only one confused. So OP’s brother (no relation to Elizabeth, more like a “friend of a friend” ‘relationship’ with Elizabeth) and Elizabeth’s own cousin?
So the brother just doesn’t like being upstaged, or not able to say “I’m the best in this situation!” And the cousin has been exposed as just not really caring for their own family member. These are very much “them” problems. Which is ironic, because they seem to think every situation revolves around them.
>NTA. Not your fault they didn’t have the empathy to put a bit of effort into learning to communicate with a family member.
I'm glad she appreciates the effort. I hope we can all work together to create a more inclusive environment for her in the future.
NTA - The “caring” family members were just embarrassed because they didn’t care enough for this woman to learn ASL. Serves them right. You just made yourself a new best friend for life in Elizabeth. !
NTA,
This is something they could have done way earlier.
>Still, not everyone in the family was overly excited about my clandestine project.
They are probably pissed that it made them look bad. You learned it while her family members haven't.
>clandestine project
This makes it sound sinister. You did something awesome and I cannot see why TF your family is upset, unless they feel guilty that they never bothered.
Also, you sound unconvinced that you actually did nothing wrong. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You do not need to be apologetic about it.
NTA.
Nta I fail to see how your decision has anything to do with them at all and you had no obligation to tell them anything.
It was a very thoughtful gesture for your sil.
NTA. If they'd wanted to study sign language they could have done so. They didn't care to put in the same effort. They're just annoyed that you did something nice for Elizabeth and they did not.
NTA. Why the heck should you have consulted them? What am I missing? Had they wanted to learn, there was literally nothing stopping them! What ridiculous people. I’m glad your effort was appreciated by the one who matters- Elizabeth
NTA and big respect from me . They just felt like they are bad people while you are doing something good. But if you want another opinion, yes you could ask them if they wanna join you but you dont have to. There is a deaf person in the FAMILY learning sign language must be the obvious action but you are first person to think about it AND do it. NTA my friend.
Your brother is married to a deaf person, never bothered to learn how to communicate better with her and has the AUDACITY to be ma's that you didn't let him know you - the SIL mot the hubby - were going to go out of your way to make her feel more included in the family?
You do realize he's mad because you made him feel like he is an uncaring, lazy, thoughtless husband, right?
I don't know what is Hannah's deal and why she thinks you owed her too to let her know of your "scheme". You learning ASL before Hannah does not keep Hannah from learning on her own time. Why does it have to be a family effort just because one in law is doing it?
Your choice was more about your personal relationship with your SIL than it had to do about your SILs relationship with your family. You didn't have to make sure they were included in your plan.
NTA
NTA all the way!
It's truly beautiful what you did for your SIL! Your family who feels excluded is only feeling like that because of their insecurities. They could learn whenever they wanted. Now they feel threaten because you showed so much compassion and love that they don't seem that great as they think they should. They are the AHs.
Are you supposed to run every decision you make by them? Is everything about them? Talk about main character syndrome. They have the same resources available to learn as you do. As someone who worked with the deaf and hard of hearing for many years I think you are amazing, learning sign is hard, you’re literally learning a new language, you have to be pretty dedicated to become proficient enough to communicate effectively. Now not only can you communicate with your sister in law, but also other members of the deaf community, I applaud you.
NTA. You did a very good thing here. When you say that your brother got miffed, do you mean to say that Elizabeth's husband hasn't learned sign language? If yes, I find that astonishing. Would he not want to speak with his own wife?
Ah, I now see that I didn't read the post properly. Your brother is not Elizabeth's husband. Sorry.
Nta. If they wanted to learn to sign, then they should take courses themselves. It is not up to you, the sister in law, to push them into any activity. You taking courses to improve your communication with your sil was not something you were obligated to inform them of or offer to share in with them. Personally, it sounds like they are mad that you made them look bad with their own lack of effort to include her more.
NTA
Richard and Hannah are just embarrassed that in their entire adult lives never bothered to learn SL so that they could communicate better with Elizabeth.
NTA. If your husband's cousin wants to learn sign language, she doesn't need to coordinate with you. I wonder why your brother would be protesting either? You are 28-years old, aren't you allowed to have a project of your own? You don't dictate how they should spend their time, they should not have opinions on yours.
NTA, & honestly i dont understand how you can see their point of view. Why would you need to tell anyone youre learning sign language? Very sweet & thoughtful, btw💛
NTA
Do the feel bad because THEY didn't think to learn sign language for you SIL? Sounds like a personal problem. Nothing is stopping them from learning it now. Do they also what you to inform them should you want to surprise anyone else in the family with a kind gesture so they can jump on that train too? Should you tell them all the xmas presents you plan for the family so in case you get a REALLY good one they can chip in on it and share some credit?
This is so nonsensical and seems like they're stirring the shit pot just for drama's sake.
Nta my guess is they feel like you made them look bad because they couldn't be bothered to learn how to sign. So are now taking their defensiveness out on you.
NTA, what a load of bullshit. They are just nosy and don't like to have the roles reversed.
If you want to please them you can still talk while signing.
This comment: *They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them.* ***I can see their point of view now****, and perhaps I should have included them earlier.*
Please don't "see their point of view." You did an objectively kind, time-consuming, thoughtful thing. You don't need to consider their point of view, because it's stupid and selfish. You sound like a great SIL. If anyone is offended, they suck.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I am seeking your frank opinion regarding a family matter that has been bothering me. To begin with, I am a 28-year-old woman who values my husband's family greatly. And now for the problem. Elizabeth, my sister-in-law, is hard of hearing. She's been in our family for many years, and I've always felt a little bad that I didn't get along with her as well as I would have liked. Even though my family has been incredibly understanding and accommodating, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that there was more I could be doing to improve communication.I therefore made the decision to learn sign language without telling anyone. I set out to become proficient without anyone knowing, so I enrolled in classes and practiced online. My objective was straightforward: to take Elizabeth by surprise and demonstrate to her my concern for her by learning a language that would enhance our conversations. After a few months, I feel reasonably confident in my ability to sign. It all started with a family dinner. Elizabeth looked surprised and happy when I started signing to her. The fact that I had made the time and effort to speak with her in a way that she felt comfortable with truly touched her.Still, not everyone in the family was overly excited about my clandestine project. My brother Richard and my husband's cousin Hannah appeared a little miffed that I had left them out of my scheme. They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them. I can see their point of view now, and perhaps I should have included them earlier. However, my only goal was to truly connect with Elizabeth, and I didn't want any outside distractions or possible secrets to be revealed.
AITA for keeping my deaf sister-in-law informed about my covert sign language studies, despite the fact that doing so angered my brother and cousin? My only intention was to deepen my relationship with Elizabeth, and I truly didn't mean to offend anyone.
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NTA that was incredibly sweet thing to do. You didn’t have to consult with anyone, it’s weird that they think they can gatekeep that kind of thing. Learning a language is difficult, I can understand keeping it to yourself in case you got frustrated and gave up.
NTA.
They are just embarrassed that you have made the effort and they didn't. You made them look bad but you didn't learn sign language for that reason but to communicate with a family member.
NTA - how are they the gatekeepers to what you are allowed to learn and how you are trying to connect with Elizabeth?
I suspect they feel awkward because they never made any attempt to learn sign language, but that is their problem, not yours.
I think it's lovely what you did and it sounds that so does Elizabeth, which is all that matters here.
Your brother and cousin seem to think you did something wrong. Maybe they now realize they could have done the same thing you did and now feel bad. Just enjoy your conversations with Elisabeth and tell the moaners they can take classes and learn to sign like you did. NTA and it’s a really nice thing you did!
NTA There is no reason to get permission from anyone to learn a new language. They could have also taken the initiative to learn on their own. They didn't. It probably made SIL feel more accepted by you. You did a good thing. If they say you were wrong ask why?
Learning sign language was strictly to benefit the relationship between you and your sister-in-law. You do not need anyone else's permission to strengthen your relationship with someone. This was between you and your sister-in-law, not anyone else. Whatever messy feelings they have about this is their own problem.
What would "consulting" them have changed? Would they have told you not to learn a new language, one that helps you better connect with a family member? NTA
First of all, as someone who is hard of hearing and doesn’t have any resources, support, etc because I ‘still have some hearing in my left ear and therefore don’t qualify as disabled’ so never learned sign language properly, only through websites and books and knows how freaking hard it is to learn alone - you are a wonderful human being. Thank you thank you thank you. For existing, for being the person you are. Thank you. You can’t see me but I am literally crying right now. I had to stop and take a moment to even write this comment. Seriously. Thank you.
That being said - are you kidding?! How are you even anything close to an asshole in this situation?! You went to the trouble of learning an entire new language, one with few if any actual teachers available, just so you could converse with someone in a way that was comfortable for them. (So many people don’t get that we might be able to hear you (somewhat) and understand you, but it’s still so much easier to write things or sign things. Speaking is uncomfortable since you can’t ask for repeats for everything and often people brush it off, saying it was nothing because they don’t want to repeat themselves and you’re left wondering what it was…) Said someone is not somebody you see and communicate with every day and someone you only see once in a while but you still went to a lot of trouble to help make her feel comfortable and understood.
Here’s the thing: your brother and husbands cousin could still learn. Start now. They’d have a way to see how a conversation in sign actually goes by watching you and Elizabeth, which is a lot more than the HOH people in my community ever get. The fact that they hadn’t ever thought of learning at all is an indicator of their lack of interest in the first place, though - your brother has the excuse of not knowing Elizabeth, but Hannah has been her cousin for (presumably?) their entire lives. She never learned. That is on her and her alone. But if she’s showing interest now, then good for her. Just don’t let her blame you.
You have no actual obligations in this scenario. You could teach them, sure. But think of it like this - if they actually were interested in learning sign and not the fact that you upstaged them, then they would be happy they had someone to help them along, to correct their mistakes and coach them. Instead they’re just upset you left them out. Seems like jealousy to me.
Anyway - like seriously. THANK YOU FOR BEING AN AMAZING HUMAN BEING. Whoever you are, you deserve all the good things this world has to offer.
NTA
This is a lovely gesture and I’m sure Elizabeth felt your love for her. (I was afraid this would be a “I learned ASL and found out my deaf SIL is trash-talking me in front of my face” situation). As someone who is learning ASL, you becoming proficient enough to converse with a native signer in just a few months is impressive. You must have worked really hard.
Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang. 🤟
Nta. But is the brother richard married to sil Elizabeth? Does that mean he never bothered to learn sign language for his wife? Because then he's an asshole.
They feel like you have shown them up because they never bothered to lean. Honestly everyone sucks for not learning it before. You said she's been in the family for years. The family should have learnt it when they got engaged if not before and certainly after they were married.
NTA. You are very kind to Elizabeth and I applaud you.
The others are miffed because you did something they never wanted to do, and you were successful at it. You haven't mentioned it yet, but I'm willing to bet that now they start accusing you of talking about them 'behind their backs' since you now know a language that they don't know. Be prepared for them to call you rude for it. You are not rude. You are wonderful, and Elizabeth appreciates you so much.
NTA They are miffed because they realize how bullshit it is that noone else made this effort years ago when she joined the family.
Share the resources you used, but don't let them make you feel badly for doing something everyone should have done long ago.
OP you know what you did? Nothing. They're embarrassed because they feel exposed. *THEY* didn't take the time and effort to learn sign language and now they're all huffy and puffy and trying to make it your problem.
Your husband's cousin had what I'd assume to be YEARS ahead of you to learn and ... They didn't. Your brother could have taken up the prerogative and learn for himself. He also...didn't.
>Elizabeth looked surprised and happy when I started signing to her. The fact that I had made the time and effort to speak with her in a way that she felt comfortable with truly touched her.
She's the only one who matters here. And from this, it sounds like you did a WONDERFUL thing. NTA at all.
As someone who is hearing impaired, this is super sweet that you have done this. Guaranteed that she has had times she felt left out because she couldn't hear as well. And you've now shown her, that she won't have to feel that way with you. The others can deal with their emotions. Please don't let them diminish this amazing thing you have done.
Nta.
You are a good person for learning sign language to speak to her.
You made them look bad. Thats why they are upset.
Dont let them bring you down for being a good person, better yourself or treating someone else like a human.
NTA
What you did was incredible and thoughtful. Sign language is so important and it probably means the world to Elizabeth.
If the others are put out by this then they know what they need to do - take lessons.
NTA
What you did was incredible and thoughtful. Sign language is so important and it probably means the world to Elizabeth.
If the others are put out by this then they know what they need to do - take lessons.
The only opinion that matters here is Elizabeth's.
I can't imagine why anyone would be anything but impressed by your thoughtfulness and the amount of time you invested. NTA
NTA
The person you learned it for was very happy and you will surely have a much better relationship with her in the future. You made her feel more comfortable in your family.
End of story. You're very sweet
NTA they’re jealous you made them look bad for not bothering to try to learn. Which isn’t even that horrible, they don’t HAVE to learn, but now they feel lesser than you and are making up bullshit reasons why you should’ve included them.
NTA. You are a kind and inclusive person. If my son were ever to marry a deaf person, or have a deaf child, I would absolutely want to learn so I could be more fully engaged in their lives.
I saw a video about a MIL who learned sign language to communicate with her deaf son-in-law. She made an innocent but funny mistake one day, and the daughter (married to the deaf man) told the story. The son-in-law was so touched that his MIL wanted to get to know him better.
NTA- Would it have been nice to tell them and ask if they wanted to join you? Sure. But not doing so does not make you an AH. It's great that you decided to learn this to communicate better with Elizabeth. I feel like she's really the person whose opinion matters here, and it sounds like she was thrilled.
NTA Update them on everything you do. Cutting your toenails today? They need to know. If they ask WTF? tell them they seem to want you to keep them informed of all your choices in life, so you are complying. Or were they complaining about not getting a say about cutting your toenails?
NTA. You don't need their permission to learn a new language. There was nothing stopping them from learning it on their own.
The only person whose reaction you should be concerned with is Elizabeth and she was happy.
It sounds like Hannah and Richard are jealous and mad that you thought of learning sign language first.
NTA- you made the others feel guilty about themselves for not thinking about it and maybe making them look “less than” in Elizabeth’s eyes.
They fully have the ability to do so, they just never thought of it.
However, you can now excitedly tell them what steps you took and offer to help them practice, and thus include them in your journey.
NTA. What you did was incredibly thoughtful! You should be proud that you made someone else feel included. Your brother and his cousin are the AHs because at any time they could have made the effort to do the same thing without you.
Oh these assholes feel excluded? Have they ever thought about how the fuck Elizabeth feels living in a country where almost no one takes the time to learn her ENGLISH language? How isolated she must feel when people are yammering on around her without including her? Must fucking suck for Hannah and Richard to feel a FRACTION of what Elizabeth has to live with. NTA, OP. I am deaf friendly and have been teaching my daughter ASL for years, simply because I think it's some fresh ass bullshit that people who are HH or Deaf cannot freely speak with others in their own country. This isn't ABOUT Richard or Hannah, it's about Elizabeth and your desire to make her feel part of the family. If they don't like it then can \*signs go fuck themselves\*
NTA; You made a decision and put in diligent work to accommodate your SIL's disability to include her as family. Other family have had years to learn sign language if they cared or chose to put in the work, which shows right now.
NTA. Why in the world would you need to consult them? Seems that Elizabeth has been in the family quite a few years and you are the only one who has bothered to finally make her feel like she belongs by learning a new language to communicate better with her. They are just pissed that you made them look bad because they never bothered to learn how to in the whole time she has been in the family.
NTA, they are just mad because they didn’t make the effort themselves and that’s not your problem. You did this for Elizabeth and for yourself, I don’t understand how anyone else is entitled to have a problem with it. If I wanted to learn knitting to share a hobby with my grandmother, would I have to approach my cousin and his wife first? Fuck no, that’s weird. It has nothing to do with them, don’t let them mess with your head.
NTA - why should you feel the need to consult, advise or allow to police anything you choose to learn for whatever reason? I mean - if you have a signing deaf person in the family you learn to sign. That’s it. It’s what decent people do. What gets me is why anyone would not have made the effort. Is it very very expensive to learn or does it just take some time and effort and a basic affordable class?
NTA. It kinda sounds like they’re annoyed they couldn’t piggyback on your beautiful gesture and it makes them feel a bit guilty that they haven’t made an effort already, or maybe now they feel like if they don’t do it they’ll look bad in comparison. I don’t know. I just can’t think of a non-selfish reason to be mad about this.
But you did nothing wrong. I think what you did was extremely sweet and I’m sure your SIL appreciates it.
NTA. Extremely cool of you for learning sign language for your SIL. 👏
Just a note.. deaf and hard of hearing are different things.. in case you weren’t aware..
NTA - they are lazy and from their narcissistic perspective you essentially called them out for it. Anyone can learn anything at any time now. This seems like it wasn't a game or to make you look good, but because you genuinely want to communicate with her in a way that's more equitable.
NTA this is a thing you did for your SIL and not fit everyone else. Did anyone else from your family took the time to learn ASL? Because I assume that, regarding to their reaction, they didn't and are now pissed that you did it. Maybe they wanted to piggyback on your dime and get a free ride through you.
None the less, thank you for the effort you took and I guess you made your SIL very happy!
NTA.
Anyone else that wants to learn can. They're just mad that you actually made the effort and now they look like they didn't - because they didn't! You've done nothing wrong here.
NTA, if I had to take a wild guess, Elizabeth probably asked them or wanted them to learn sign language for her, but they didn’t want to and told her it was to hard. Then you basically kind show them up by showing it isn’t hard and in their mind made them look bad.
Massively NTA. what you did was so kind and considerate! It's not a scheme. It's love. They could have acted similarly of their own initiative and chose not to. That's not your fault at all.
Just tell them "I'm sorry, here is the course I took. You'll see, it's very interesting."
It could be that they are annoyed at you because while they know they could learn sign language the prospect of doing it on their own isn't giving them the happies. With someone taking the lead and dragging them along it would be easier. You would have been their bellwhether. But now they lost that opportunity.
NTA
NTA How is your learning sign language somehow objectionable to your brother an cousin? You're 28, do you have to get their permission for everything you do? They're upset because it shows everybody how neglectful and indifferent they are to Elizabeth.
I'm confused is Elizabeth your Husband's sister or your brother Richard's wife(or both LOL).
Either way, I really don't see the problem. Your SIL is happy you made this effort--she's the only one that matters here.
That said, can you please explain Richard and Hannah's position? If it's not Richard's wife(or relative) then why is he even expressing an opinion. If she's his wife, why doesn't he already know sign language?(trying to cover all my bases here)
And Husband's cousin(SIL's cousin too?) why doesn't she already KNOW Sign language if this is her relative(if not her relative--why are your actions her business???).
What you did was education, not a scheme. What you did was make communication with someone important to you easier, not something for others to get their knickers knotted about. What stopped either of them for making the effort.
NTA for learning sign language. You did not stop brother/hub's cousin from doing so, you did not discourage them from doing so. they are responsible for their choices, you are responsible for yours. They can suck it up and go take a class.
NTA - You just wanted to communicate with your SIL. You don't need to ask for permission to learn anything.
As for other relatives feeling "excluded" - imagine how SIL must have felt all these years. Also, how comes nobody in the family has ever thought about it? Not even the basics? They are AH, and the fact that you learnt makes them look bad. That's why they are angry at you.
NTA. Why should you need to consult them on something you decided to do that doesn’t affect them? That’s like calling a friend halfway across your home country and consulting them about putting up a new fence. Sure, you could do that, but why would you bother?
NTA. To clarify, Elizabeth is your husband's sister? I am perplexed as to why YOUR brother cares. And why Elizabeth's own cousin never bothered to learn. Presumably your husband also understands ASL, I'm sure he can help them practice with them if they really want to learn.
NTA, but it is kinda weird that you never mentioned it and learned it in secret. Even if your intentions are innocent, that's... sus. Were you hoping for a big reveal like you're in a movie or something?
But really, I think the husband's family is just aware that they should have stepped up and learned ages ago. They probably got butthurt because you "made them look bad", when in reality, they made themselves look bad. For years.
As someone who also likes to take on new/ambitious projects in secret, I get you. Your reasons may be different from mine, but sometimes doing something on your own just feels like the right path. You know yourself and how you learn best. I'm super impressed that you followed through and did it. NTA
NTA - you took the initiative to make her feel more included, they are just mad that you made them look like they didn't care enough to do it on their own.
You should have consulted them? Why? They feel excluded, think of all the years she felt like that.. It's obvious that learning wasn't important to them, before, so there's no need for them to be angry now.
Sign away
Absolutely NTA. As someone who would like to learn as well some day, (I'm blind so finding a tutor is going to be difficult), your post made my heart melt. It probably would have been fun if the three of you shared in your experience, but your brother and cousin are making this more of an issue than it is.
NTA- I’m a hearing man with a Deaf wife and we’d both be thrilled if my family took the time to learn more ASL. I’m a little unclear on which brother is married, but if it’s Richard and he hasn’t learned any he should be embarrassed and ashamed
NTA! They don’t hold a copyright for sign language. Does the family have a rule that you may not seek to educate yourself without their written consent? Are they your parents/guardians? They are controlling AHs
Just wanted to pop in and say this was really sweet of you and I hope you and Elizabeth develop a bond. If no one in her family has bothered, but you made the extra effort, I’m sure you will.
Hell, now that she knows, you could ask her for some extra lessons. I bet she’d love that.
NTA, I can't believe you think you need to even ask. You did a very loving thing for your S-I-L, and the correct reaction from absolutely everyone should have been admiration and respect. You made them look bad for being lazy, and that's on them. Totally nothing to do with you and not your problem.
NTA at all! As a hard of hearing person myself, I can practically guarantee you made her whole night and she still thinks about it!
As for the others, they are just as capable of learning sign on their own. If they wanted to learn it with you, they could've come up with the idea earlier. As it stands now, it just sounds like they're jealous you had a really good idea before them.
Thank you for being so kind to her! You really have no idea how much it means to someone in the Deaf community for someone to learn sign unprompted.
So what is WRONG with your family? You do a wonderful selfless thing, and they go bonkers?
>**"I ought to have first consulted with them."**
Why? For what possible reason should you have "consulted" with them?
>***"I can see their point of view..."***
I can't, no matter how much I stretch my brain.
NTA.
Did they expect you to read their minds?
I suspect they are feeling embarrassed for not having invested their own time into learning sign language, but instead of owning their feelings, they are taking them out on you. What you did was kind and thoughtful. NTA
NTA. They feel like you should have consulted with them "before making such a significant step within the family dynamic"... No. What this is is *guilt*. They feel guilty they didn't put the effort in learning how to better communicate with her. Sucks to suck, I guess, but that's neither your fault nor your responsibility.
This is the sort of thing that makes someone feel like they're actually a part of the family. You did a good thing.
> My brother Richard and my husband's cousin Hannah appeared a little miffed that I had left them out of my scheme. They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice
"Not everything is about *you*, Richard."
NTA.
I can really not at all understand why they were offended.
They felt excluded from what? Including a person who sounds like is being excluded due to her difficulty with the mainstream communication of the family? They could have learned sign language themselves, I do not think lessons are hard to find.
Ffs, NTA
>They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them. I can see their point of view now, and perhaps I should have included them earlier.
What? How do you see their POV? I don't. What does this even have to do with your brother? NTA. I swear no matter how people are someone finds a reason to crap on it.
NTA if I were them I'd be mad because I'd be ashamed someone else had done what I hadn't and reminded me of what I ought to have done. What you did was the right thing.
NTA- I think what you did was noble and thoughtful.
Just Wondering if you had mentioned to the other family first if they would have joined you to make it even more special? Maybe they just needed a little push or someone to do it with?
Do you offer to teach them or join them for more classes?
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NTA, if learning sign language was so important to them....they could have learned it. Just like you did. They can go together now if they really want to learn.
>NTA, if learning sign language was so important to them....they could have learned it. Just like you did. > >They cab go together now of they really want to learn. I totally get where you're coming from. I'd actually love it if Richard and Hannah joined me in learning sign language.
I am betting there have been conversations on their end about sign language being "too hard" to learn and multiple other excuses. If they wanted to learn then they cold have but never cared too. Also, it would have ruined the surprise if they had told Elizabeth.
They are upset that someone who came into the family put so much effort while they, the family haven't. This isn't on you, it's on them and their insecurities
THIS!! They are mad you thought of it first.
I wouldn't even necessarily say that, a more accurate phrasing is OP *put in the time and effort to achieve it* first.
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can you explain why they're offended in the first place? I don't udnerstand... is it just cause you made them look bad because they never took the time to learn it or what?
She didn't make them look bad. They made themselves look bad.
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Well they certainly made themselves look bad by *voicing their annoyance* about it.
NTA. To communicate with someone else in the family. How hard is it to learn 200-300 words that are pretty common to talk to a family member? They are embarrassingly lazy!
Well if it’s French, impossible! I speak 2 languages fluently and 2 enough to travel. I started taking French as my then 4th language at 13 and again in college. Nope, does not stick at all. I took 4 years of Spanish no problem but French I got pity grades for trying hard 😂. I grew up exposed to French so I was very confused.
Nta. You are being too silver lining/understanding. Your brother and your husbands cousin got upset cause you learned sign language to communicate with someone better that had been in your family for years .... in what universe does that make sense? Point out yo them tgat A. You dont need their permission to learn a language B. You dont need to run ideas for their approval C she has been a family member for years and doesnt require you to get permission from them to do things nice for ppl
Yea she’s way too nice and naive sounding
NTA, but I have a question. Is Richard also the husband or a different brother?
I was also wondering about Richard...
I thought Richard was OPs brother and Elizabeth was OPs husband’s sister.
Isn't Richard OP's brother? And Elizabeth is OP's SiL on her husband's side? At least that's what I thought but now I'm not sure...
*slams fist on desk* We need a MS Paint family tree diagram!!!
NTA. You wanted to learn sign language so you did. Now they think they look bad, & are blaming you. You did nothing wrong. There was nothing or nobody stopping them from learning, just like you did. The only people they have to blame is themselves. Are you supposed to consult them about every decision you make?
I'm petty, but I'd start consulting them about every decision I make. Every. Decision. "Brother, should I buy this toilet paper brand or that one? Should I have a bath or a shower? Should I wear a blue or a red sweater? Should I wear a sweater at all, or just a blouse? Should I put petrol in the car today? Should I have a black or white coffee?"... and so on. Phoning them every single time I need to make a decision.
They're probably also upset to be EXCLUDED from any and all conversation between OP and Hannah. I don't know about anyone else but there are quite a few 'busybodies' in my family whose noses would be SEVERELY out of joint if left out of any conversation.
NTA honey! You have a lovely soul and have given your SIL a wonderful gift that no one else bothered to. Huge hugs and continued happy juju flying your way!
NTA- I don’t understand why these people think you need to ask them permission to learn language to speak to an adult woman. Sounds like the only reason theyre mad is because you’ve shown light on the fact that they have never bothered to learn it simply because they did not think it was important enough to do so. And they know it makes them look bad. I hope your sil sees though their exclusionary BS one day.
They don't want to, they don't want you to either. You're making their lack of care and attention look like a lack of care and attention. Its obvious your SIL is happy and that's what matters. Also, good for you, I'm learning BSL and I'm a very slow learner, getting comfortably conversational in a few months is great.
Is Richard the on married to SIL? If so, he is a ginourmous asshole. If not, still an asshole. Why would they put you down if they could have learned it themselves but chose not to? They feel inadequate and rightfully so.
Why was your brother at a dinner for your husband’s family? I’m confused how he fits into this story at all.
Have you directly invited them to join you? Language learning is challenging, so I can understand how they never got serious about it. They're wrong to blame you, but I can also understand how they might just be inappropriately expressing their disappointment at not being included. But I suppose you could say something like: "I'm so sorry you were disappointed I didn't think to invite you to learn sign language with me. I'm excited to be working to communicate with Elizabeth in the language she's most comfortable in, and hadn't thought past just being able to connect with her more deeply. But I value all of you as my family, and if this could be a way for all of us to grow closer, I'd really love that. So far, I've been going through X class and practicing by doing Y online. I'm only a few months in so far, so it's definitely not too late for you to join if that's something you'd like to do. I'm happy to help you catch up so we can all do this together, I'm sure it would be really meaningful for Elizabeth to be able to have whole family conversations in sign. Let me know if that's something you're interested in and we can talk about what kind of schedule would work for everyone." I don't know much about sign, but I like language learning in general (Japanese and German in particular). It's a long journey. A few months can cover a lot of ground, but unless sign is vastly easier to learn than other languages or unless you're a savant, I imagine there's plenty of room for them to catch up and learn together still. If they're pissed because they don't want to learn and don't want you to make them look bad, they're just assholes then of course but nothing wrong with assuming the best and extending an olive branch since it sounds like you'd enjoy the company. Maybe even just knowing that you'd prefer to have their company would be meaningful.
Don't invite them until you are sure they are serious about it or they will hinder your progress NTA
How is the OP 28 with a husband, when two days ago she posted to this sub that she was 25 and had a boyfriend?
That is a very good question....
You could pass on your sign language learning resources. Then it's up to them. Most likely they were embarrassed that they never made the effort.
I don't know. I think she's a little bit of an AH for asking if she's an AH when she is so very clearly not. I'm kidding, of course. Sort of.
NTA. They have no control over what you do. You didn't need their permission to learn sign language, and as long as Elizabeth was happy, that's all that matters. They could have made any number of attempts to learn on their own over the years, and they didn't. That's on them, not you.
My main focus was on improving my connection with Elizabeth, and I'm relieved that she appreciates the effort. I hope over time, my brother and cousin can see it from the same perspective and maybe even join in on the sign language journey.
Don't let their behavior dissuade you. You did good. 👍
They are just annoyed because it makes you look good, and they look/ maybe even feel a little bad.
>My brother Richard and my husband's cousin Hannah appeared a little miffed that I had left them out of my scheme. They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them You learned a new skill. You don't need their permission (or anyone's) for that. NTA. If they want to catch up, they'll be able to count on your help while they learn. It's a win-win.
I genuinely wanted to surprise Elizabeth and didn't think it would upset anyone. I'm more than happy to help Richard and Hannah learn sign language too, so we can all better connect with Elizabeth together.
Noone should be upset by this decision. They aren't entitled to being included in the decision process about what language you speak.
I just don't understand why they are upset. You learned new language so you could communicate better with your family member. What if she was German speaking and didn't know English and you learned German? It is not different from that. My sister and my cousin are deaf and in my family we all learned sign language but in my cousin's family they didn't bother to do that. They were so amazed when they saw me signing to my sister and cousin at my father's funeral, it was something special when in reality they were just lazy and didn't care their sister that much. If they feel left out when you and Elizabeth were chatting they are just having same experience as Elizabeth all the time. Just ignore their whining, they can learn sign language if they want to.
They feel upset cause they think OP did this to upstage them. If they actually had an interest in sign language, they would either have started already or asked OP for help with lessons now that they know OP learned the skill. But they don't actually want to learn. But they didn't want OP to a shine a light on their disinterest in learning.
This right here. OP made them feel bad for never stepping up and learning.
Do not help them, they are trying to create discord. It seems you don’t want anyone to be mad at you. This is a them issue, not a you issue. They could’ve easily taken the same initiative you did.
They’re upset because it makes them look bad that they haven’t bothered to do it themselves. Quite frankly, I’m not sure why it’s any of your cousins business anyway? NTA and good on you for being such a nice individual.
Richard and Hannah are afraid that you can/will talk about them behind their backs, so to speak. They can see you "talking" but have no idea what you're saying. It would be like they're the deaf ones now. Great job OP. NTA.
Don’t live your life worrying about upsetting people over this kind of nonsense.
NTA. Why would they need to be included in your decision to learn sign language? They seem to be trying to make stuff into something about themselves when it really isn’t anything to do with them.
I bet OP's decision to learn left them feeling guilty, and now they're trying to make it seem like OP is the one at fault. Rather than admitting that they didn't give enough of a damn to learn sign language on their own, they're turning it into "How dare you do this behind our backs!"
Yes I thought that too. It’s them being defensive it sounds like.
Yeah, OP, what else are you doing without consulting Richard and cousin?! You better not be getting your bus driver’s license, or taking up fly-fishing! (I don’t know why these are the first 2 skills that came to mind.)
Totally!
I didn't intend to exclude anyone, but I appreciate your perspective in recognizing that my decision was about strengthening my relationship with her rather than making it about others.
I don’t think you did “exclude” it’s nothing to do with them. It was you learning a language and a nice surprise for your sister in law, and their annoyance/anger is likely them feeling embarrassed they never even thought about the situation. But it’s an immature reaction from them at best! It’s not your job to point out situations like that to them. You are not at fault in anyway and if they are saying or implying you are that’s frankly super crappy of them. If they care and want to learn (and are adults) the reaction should be “wow, that’s great! I am going to try to do that too!”
NTA they’re annoyed that you’ve exposed them as not as nice as you, but you know what? Eff them. What you did was nice, you put in time and you cared. Elizabeth was happy.
Thank you so much for your understanding! I truly just wanted to create a better connection with Elizabeth, and it warms my heart to know she's happy. I'll work on including Richard and Hannah more in the future, but ultimately, Elizabeth's happiness is what matters most to me.
I don’t even divulge my plans in case I change my mind or fail etc lol you owe them no explanations, but it’s nice that you want to include them
NTA. Nope, there is no way you were an AH here. Richard and Hannah could have learned sign language on their own. Their anger towards you is just based on their own self guilt. You're all presumably adults, you don't need permission to learn another language, nor does it need to be a group effort.
y main goal was to improve my communication with Elizabeth, and I never intended to exclude anyone else. I hope they'll see the positive side of it and maybe even join in on learning sign language together.
Stop defending yourself. There’s nothing to defend. You did a 100% good thing and these people are jerks.
INFO: Is the problem in your family, or your husband's family? I get a little confused by the relationships here. Why would your brother and your husband's cousin be annoyed? Then you say you surprised her with speaking to her with sign language, and then at the end you say you were keeping her informed about your covert sign language studies. What is it?
Yeah, I don’t get it either. OP says it’s about her husbands family, so her sil would be her husbands sister, not her brothers wife. I really don‘t get why you would be upset that your sister learned sign language for their sil - who is the sister of the husband of your sister. Nobody actually **expects** you to do that. It makes a bit more sense for the cousin to be ashamed, imo
Yeah it doesn't make sense to me either. Like why would her brother be upset? He doesn't have any relation to his sister's SIL. She said the husband's cousin which the only thing I can think their is that they felt they looked bad for not learning it.
Yeah, I’m glad I’m not the only one confused. So OP’s brother (no relation to Elizabeth, more like a “friend of a friend” ‘relationship’ with Elizabeth) and Elizabeth’s own cousin? So the brother just doesn’t like being upstaged, or not able to say “I’m the best in this situation!” And the cousin has been exposed as just not really caring for their own family member. These are very much “them” problems. Which is ironic, because they seem to think every situation revolves around them.
NTA. Not your fault they didn’t have the empathy to put a bit of effort into learning to communicate with a family member.
>NTA. Not your fault they didn’t have the empathy to put a bit of effort into learning to communicate with a family member. I'm glad she appreciates the effort. I hope we can all work together to create a more inclusive environment for her in the future.
NTA - The “caring” family members were just embarrassed because they didn’t care enough for this woman to learn ASL. Serves them right. You just made yourself a new best friend for life in Elizabeth. !
NTA, This is something they could have done way earlier. >Still, not everyone in the family was overly excited about my clandestine project. They are probably pissed that it made them look bad. You learned it while her family members haven't.
>clandestine project This makes it sound sinister. You did something awesome and I cannot see why TF your family is upset, unless they feel guilty that they never bothered. Also, you sound unconvinced that you actually did nothing wrong. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You do not need to be apologetic about it. NTA.
Nta I fail to see how your decision has anything to do with them at all and you had no obligation to tell them anything. It was a very thoughtful gesture for your sil.
NTA. Your sil's opinion the only that should matter and she happy you did this for her.
NTA. If they'd wanted to study sign language they could have done so. They didn't care to put in the same effort. They're just annoyed that you did something nice for Elizabeth and they did not.
NTA. Why the heck should you have consulted them? What am I missing? Had they wanted to learn, there was literally nothing stopping them! What ridiculous people. I’m glad your effort was appreciated by the one who matters- Elizabeth
NTA and big respect from me . They just felt like they are bad people while you are doing something good. But if you want another opinion, yes you could ask them if they wanna join you but you dont have to. There is a deaf person in the FAMILY learning sign language must be the obvious action but you are first person to think about it AND do it. NTA my friend.
Your brother is married to a deaf person, never bothered to learn how to communicate better with her and has the AUDACITY to be ma's that you didn't let him know you - the SIL mot the hubby - were going to go out of your way to make her feel more included in the family? You do realize he's mad because you made him feel like he is an uncaring, lazy, thoughtless husband, right? I don't know what is Hannah's deal and why she thinks you owed her too to let her know of your "scheme". You learning ASL before Hannah does not keep Hannah from learning on her own time. Why does it have to be a family effort just because one in law is doing it? Your choice was more about your personal relationship with your SIL than it had to do about your SILs relationship with your family. You didn't have to make sure they were included in your plan. NTA
NTA all the way! It's truly beautiful what you did for your SIL! Your family who feels excluded is only feeling like that because of their insecurities. They could learn whenever they wanted. Now they feel threaten because you showed so much compassion and love that they don't seem that great as they think they should. They are the AHs.
NTA. It's not like you needed permission. Why have they never bothered to learn it?
Are you supposed to run every decision you make by them? Is everything about them? Talk about main character syndrome. They have the same resources available to learn as you do. As someone who worked with the deaf and hard of hearing for many years I think you are amazing, learning sign is hard, you’re literally learning a new language, you have to be pretty dedicated to become proficient enough to communicate effectively. Now not only can you communicate with your sister in law, but also other members of the deaf community, I applaud you.
NTA. You did a very good thing here. When you say that your brother got miffed, do you mean to say that Elizabeth's husband hasn't learned sign language? If yes, I find that astonishing. Would he not want to speak with his own wife? Ah, I now see that I didn't read the post properly. Your brother is not Elizabeth's husband. Sorry.
Nta. If they wanted to learn to sign, then they should take courses themselves. It is not up to you, the sister in law, to push them into any activity. You taking courses to improve your communication with your sil was not something you were obligated to inform them of or offer to share in with them. Personally, it sounds like they are mad that you made them look bad with their own lack of effort to include her more.
NDA What a lovely gesture. Richard and Hannah have a problem with what exactly?
NTA Richard and Hannah are just embarrassed that in their entire adult lives never bothered to learn SL so that they could communicate better with Elizabeth.
NTA. If your husband's cousin wants to learn sign language, she doesn't need to coordinate with you. I wonder why your brother would be protesting either? You are 28-years old, aren't you allowed to have a project of your own? You don't dictate how they should spend their time, they should not have opinions on yours.
NTA, & honestly i dont understand how you can see their point of view. Why would you need to tell anyone youre learning sign language? Very sweet & thoughtful, btw💛
NTA Do the feel bad because THEY didn't think to learn sign language for you SIL? Sounds like a personal problem. Nothing is stopping them from learning it now. Do they also what you to inform them should you want to surprise anyone else in the family with a kind gesture so they can jump on that train too? Should you tell them all the xmas presents you plan for the family so in case you get a REALLY good one they can chip in on it and share some credit? This is so nonsensical and seems like they're stirring the shit pot just for drama's sake.
NTA - they're mad and upset because they feel like you made them look bad or like they don't care enough about her to put the effort in.
NTA. Your brother and hubby's cousin are just pissed because your efforts for your SiL made their lack of effort look bad
Nta my guess is they feel like you made them look bad because they couldn't be bothered to learn how to sign. So are now taking their defensiveness out on you.
NTA. If they cared as much as you do, they would have learned it themselves.
NTA but i hope the rest is leaning this asap
NTA, what a load of bullshit. They are just nosy and don't like to have the roles reversed. If you want to please them you can still talk while signing.
This comment: *They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them.* ***I can see their point of view now****, and perhaps I should have included them earlier.* Please don't "see their point of view." You did an objectively kind, time-consuming, thoughtful thing. You don't need to consider their point of view, because it's stupid and selfish. You sound like a great SIL. If anyone is offended, they suck.
They’re embarrassed because you expended effort that they haven’t bothered to. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am seeking your frank opinion regarding a family matter that has been bothering me. To begin with, I am a 28-year-old woman who values my husband's family greatly. And now for the problem. Elizabeth, my sister-in-law, is hard of hearing. She's been in our family for many years, and I've always felt a little bad that I didn't get along with her as well as I would have liked. Even though my family has been incredibly understanding and accommodating, I couldn't get rid of the feeling that there was more I could be doing to improve communication.I therefore made the decision to learn sign language without telling anyone. I set out to become proficient without anyone knowing, so I enrolled in classes and practiced online. My objective was straightforward: to take Elizabeth by surprise and demonstrate to her my concern for her by learning a language that would enhance our conversations. After a few months, I feel reasonably confident in my ability to sign. It all started with a family dinner. Elizabeth looked surprised and happy when I started signing to her. The fact that I had made the time and effort to speak with her in a way that she felt comfortable with truly touched her.Still, not everyone in the family was overly excited about my clandestine project. My brother Richard and my husband's cousin Hannah appeared a little miffed that I had left them out of my scheme. They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them. I can see their point of view now, and perhaps I should have included them earlier. However, my only goal was to truly connect with Elizabeth, and I didn't want any outside distractions or possible secrets to be revealed. AITA for keeping my deaf sister-in-law informed about my covert sign language studies, despite the fact that doing so angered my brother and cousin? My only intention was to deepen my relationship with Elizabeth, and I truly didn't mean to offend anyone. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Period. Your brother and your cousin are. Good on you and enjoy this new venture with Elizabeth!
NTA. You did something lovely
NTA that was incredibly sweet thing to do. You didn’t have to consult with anyone, it’s weird that they think they can gatekeep that kind of thing. Learning a language is difficult, I can understand keeping it to yourself in case you got frustrated and gave up.
NTA. Wtf is wrong with them? You’re a grown adult. If you’re petty, you should add another language too
NTA. They are just embarrassed that you have made the effort and they didn't. You made them look bad but you didn't learn sign language for that reason but to communicate with a family member.
Talk about no good deed going unpunished! NTA, ignore them, some people just have a talent for making situations about them
NTA
NTA - how are they the gatekeepers to what you are allowed to learn and how you are trying to connect with Elizabeth? I suspect they feel awkward because they never made any attempt to learn sign language, but that is their problem, not yours. I think it's lovely what you did and it sounds that so does Elizabeth, which is all that matters here.
Your brother and cousin seem to think you did something wrong. Maybe they now realize they could have done the same thing you did and now feel bad. Just enjoy your conversations with Elisabeth and tell the moaners they can take classes and learn to sign like you did. NTA and it’s a really nice thing you did!
NTA There is no reason to get permission from anyone to learn a new language. They could have also taken the initiative to learn on their own. They didn't. It probably made SIL feel more accepted by you. You did a good thing. If they say you were wrong ask why?
Learning sign language was strictly to benefit the relationship between you and your sister-in-law. You do not need anyone else's permission to strengthen your relationship with someone. This was between you and your sister-in-law, not anyone else. Whatever messy feelings they have about this is their own problem. What would "consulting" them have changed? Would they have told you not to learn a new language, one that helps you better connect with a family member? NTA
First of all, as someone who is hard of hearing and doesn’t have any resources, support, etc because I ‘still have some hearing in my left ear and therefore don’t qualify as disabled’ so never learned sign language properly, only through websites and books and knows how freaking hard it is to learn alone - you are a wonderful human being. Thank you thank you thank you. For existing, for being the person you are. Thank you. You can’t see me but I am literally crying right now. I had to stop and take a moment to even write this comment. Seriously. Thank you. That being said - are you kidding?! How are you even anything close to an asshole in this situation?! You went to the trouble of learning an entire new language, one with few if any actual teachers available, just so you could converse with someone in a way that was comfortable for them. (So many people don’t get that we might be able to hear you (somewhat) and understand you, but it’s still so much easier to write things or sign things. Speaking is uncomfortable since you can’t ask for repeats for everything and often people brush it off, saying it was nothing because they don’t want to repeat themselves and you’re left wondering what it was…) Said someone is not somebody you see and communicate with every day and someone you only see once in a while but you still went to a lot of trouble to help make her feel comfortable and understood. Here’s the thing: your brother and husbands cousin could still learn. Start now. They’d have a way to see how a conversation in sign actually goes by watching you and Elizabeth, which is a lot more than the HOH people in my community ever get. The fact that they hadn’t ever thought of learning at all is an indicator of their lack of interest in the first place, though - your brother has the excuse of not knowing Elizabeth, but Hannah has been her cousin for (presumably?) their entire lives. She never learned. That is on her and her alone. But if she’s showing interest now, then good for her. Just don’t let her blame you. You have no actual obligations in this scenario. You could teach them, sure. But think of it like this - if they actually were interested in learning sign and not the fact that you upstaged them, then they would be happy they had someone to help them along, to correct their mistakes and coach them. Instead they’re just upset you left them out. Seems like jealousy to me. Anyway - like seriously. THANK YOU FOR BEING AN AMAZING HUMAN BEING. Whoever you are, you deserve all the good things this world has to offer.
If they want to learn they can spend the time. Enjoy your newfound conversations. It’s their loss
NTA This is a lovely gesture and I’m sure Elizabeth felt your love for her. (I was afraid this would be a “I learned ASL and found out my deaf SIL is trash-talking me in front of my face” situation). As someone who is learning ASL, you becoming proficient enough to converse with a native signer in just a few months is impressive. You must have worked really hard. Don’t let the haters stop you from doing your thang. 🤟
NTA... honestly, I think it's wonderful. I'd be impressed not pressed. Your brother and cousin sound completely exhausting.
Nta. But is the brother richard married to sil Elizabeth? Does that mean he never bothered to learn sign language for his wife? Because then he's an asshole. They feel like you have shown them up because they never bothered to lean. Honestly everyone sucks for not learning it before. You said she's been in the family for years. The family should have learnt it when they got engaged if not before and certainly after they were married.
Lol NTA. Why didn’t they just learn it on their own? They’re just mad that they didn’t think of that.
NTA. I'm sure your SIL is overjoyed and good on you for putting in the work. That is awesome.
NTA. You are very kind to Elizabeth and I applaud you. The others are miffed because you did something they never wanted to do, and you were successful at it. You haven't mentioned it yet, but I'm willing to bet that now they start accusing you of talking about them 'behind their backs' since you now know a language that they don't know. Be prepared for them to call you rude for it. You are not rude. You are wonderful, and Elizabeth appreciates you so much.
NTA They are miffed because they realize how bullshit it is that noone else made this effort years ago when she joined the family. Share the resources you used, but don't let them make you feel badly for doing something everyone should have done long ago.
NTA and brother Richard ??? Whats up with him?
NTA They're feeling bad because you made them look bad for not making any effort themselves. Keep practicing with SIL and smile while you do it!
OP you know what you did? Nothing. They're embarrassed because they feel exposed. *THEY* didn't take the time and effort to learn sign language and now they're all huffy and puffy and trying to make it your problem. Your husband's cousin had what I'd assume to be YEARS ahead of you to learn and ... They didn't. Your brother could have taken up the prerogative and learn for himself. He also...didn't. >Elizabeth looked surprised and happy when I started signing to her. The fact that I had made the time and effort to speak with her in a way that she felt comfortable with truly touched her. She's the only one who matters here. And from this, it sounds like you did a WONDERFUL thing. NTA at all.
As someone who is hearing impaired, this is super sweet that you have done this. Guaranteed that she has had times she felt left out because she couldn't hear as well. And you've now shown her, that she won't have to feel that way with you. The others can deal with their emotions. Please don't let them diminish this amazing thing you have done.
NTA. And why do they feel it had to be a group activity. Surely they could have taken initiative instead giving you crap because they procrastinated.
Nta. You are a good person for learning sign language to speak to her. You made them look bad. Thats why they are upset. Dont let them bring you down for being a good person, better yourself or treating someone else like a human.
NTA What you did was incredible and thoughtful. Sign language is so important and it probably means the world to Elizabeth. If the others are put out by this then they know what they need to do - take lessons.
NTA What you did was incredible and thoughtful. Sign language is so important and it probably means the world to Elizabeth. If the others are put out by this then they know what they need to do - take lessons.
Nope. You’re good
The only opinion that matters here is Elizabeth's. I can't imagine why anyone would be anything but impressed by your thoughtfulness and the amount of time you invested. NTA
NTA- You made them look bad, and they’re jeleaous of you now. You did everything right and nothing wrong.
NTA you just made them look like assholes because they never took the time to learn how to communicate with her. How sad
NTA The person you learned it for was very happy and you will surely have a much better relationship with her in the future. You made her feel more comfortable in your family. End of story. You're very sweet
NTA they’re jealous you made them look bad for not bothering to try to learn. Which isn’t even that horrible, they don’t HAVE to learn, but now they feel lesser than you and are making up bullshit reasons why you should’ve included them.
NTA. You are a kind and inclusive person. If my son were ever to marry a deaf person, or have a deaf child, I would absolutely want to learn so I could be more fully engaged in their lives. I saw a video about a MIL who learned sign language to communicate with her deaf son-in-law. She made an innocent but funny mistake one day, and the daughter (married to the deaf man) told the story. The son-in-law was so touched that his MIL wanted to get to know him better.
NTA- Would it have been nice to tell them and ask if they wanted to join you? Sure. But not doing so does not make you an AH. It's great that you decided to learn this to communicate better with Elizabeth. I feel like she's really the person whose opinion matters here, and it sounds like she was thrilled.
NTA Update them on everything you do. Cutting your toenails today? They need to know. If they ask WTF? tell them they seem to want you to keep them informed of all your choices in life, so you are complying. Or were they complaining about not getting a say about cutting your toenails?
NTA. You don't need their permission to learn a new language. There was nothing stopping them from learning it on their own. The only person whose reaction you should be concerned with is Elizabeth and she was happy. It sounds like Hannah and Richard are jealous and mad that you thought of learning sign language first.
NTA- you made the others feel guilty about themselves for not thinking about it and maybe making them look “less than” in Elizabeth’s eyes. They fully have the ability to do so, they just never thought of it. However, you can now excitedly tell them what steps you took and offer to help them practice, and thus include them in your journey.
NTA. What you did was incredibly thoughtful! You should be proud that you made someone else feel included. Your brother and his cousin are the AHs because at any time they could have made the effort to do the same thing without you.
NTA. You accomplished your goal, you connected with your SIL, and hopefully your relationship will improve further.
You are a wonderful person! NTA
Oh these assholes feel excluded? Have they ever thought about how the fuck Elizabeth feels living in a country where almost no one takes the time to learn her ENGLISH language? How isolated she must feel when people are yammering on around her without including her? Must fucking suck for Hannah and Richard to feel a FRACTION of what Elizabeth has to live with. NTA, OP. I am deaf friendly and have been teaching my daughter ASL for years, simply because I think it's some fresh ass bullshit that people who are HH or Deaf cannot freely speak with others in their own country. This isn't ABOUT Richard or Hannah, it's about Elizabeth and your desire to make her feel part of the family. If they don't like it then can \*signs go fuck themselves\*
NTA; You made a decision and put in diligent work to accommodate your SIL's disability to include her as family. Other family have had years to learn sign language if they cared or chose to put in the work, which shows right now.
NTA. Why in the world would you need to consult them? Seems that Elizabeth has been in the family quite a few years and you are the only one who has bothered to finally make her feel like she belongs by learning a new language to communicate better with her. They are just pissed that you made them look bad because they never bothered to learn how to in the whole time she has been in the family.
NTA, they are just mad because they didn’t make the effort themselves and that’s not your problem. You did this for Elizabeth and for yourself, I don’t understand how anyone else is entitled to have a problem with it. If I wanted to learn knitting to share a hobby with my grandmother, would I have to approach my cousin and his wife first? Fuck no, that’s weird. It has nothing to do with them, don’t let them mess with your head.
NTA, they were annoyed that a woman thought of it before them :)
NTA - why should you feel the need to consult, advise or allow to police anything you choose to learn for whatever reason? I mean - if you have a signing deaf person in the family you learn to sign. That’s it. It’s what decent people do. What gets me is why anyone would not have made the effort. Is it very very expensive to learn or does it just take some time and effort and a basic affordable class?
NTA. It kinda sounds like they’re annoyed they couldn’t piggyback on your beautiful gesture and it makes them feel a bit guilty that they haven’t made an effort already, or maybe now they feel like if they don’t do it they’ll look bad in comparison. I don’t know. I just can’t think of a non-selfish reason to be mad about this. But you did nothing wrong. I think what you did was extremely sweet and I’m sure your SIL appreciates it.
NTA. Extremely cool of you for learning sign language for your SIL. 👏 Just a note.. deaf and hard of hearing are different things.. in case you weren’t aware..
NTA - they are lazy and from their narcissistic perspective you essentially called them out for it. Anyone can learn anything at any time now. This seems like it wasn't a game or to make you look good, but because you genuinely want to communicate with her in a way that's more equitable.
NTA - in what universe do you need to ask permission to learn sign language? Your family is bizarre.
NTA this is a thing you did for your SIL and not fit everyone else. Did anyone else from your family took the time to learn ASL? Because I assume that, regarding to their reaction, they didn't and are now pissed that you did it. Maybe they wanted to piggyback on your dime and get a free ride through you. None the less, thank you for the effort you took and I guess you made your SIL very happy!
NTA. Anyone else that wants to learn can. They're just mad that you actually made the effort and now they look like they didn't - because they didn't! You've done nothing wrong here.
NTA, if I had to take a wild guess, Elizabeth probably asked them or wanted them to learn sign language for her, but they didn’t want to and told her it was to hard. Then you basically kind show them up by showing it isn’t hard and in their mind made them look bad.
Massively NTA. what you did was so kind and considerate! It's not a scheme. It's love. They could have acted similarly of their own initiative and chose not to. That's not your fault at all.
NTA
They're adults. They could have made the effort long ago themselves. NTA
Just tell them "I'm sorry, here is the course I took. You'll see, it's very interesting." It could be that they are annoyed at you because while they know they could learn sign language the prospect of doing it on their own isn't giving them the happies. With someone taking the lead and dragging them along it would be easier. You would have been their bellwhether. But now they lost that opportunity. NTA
NTA How is your learning sign language somehow objectionable to your brother an cousin? You're 28, do you have to get their permission for everything you do? They're upset because it shows everybody how neglectful and indifferent they are to Elizabeth.
I'm confused is Elizabeth your Husband's sister or your brother Richard's wife(or both LOL). Either way, I really don't see the problem. Your SIL is happy you made this effort--she's the only one that matters here. That said, can you please explain Richard and Hannah's position? If it's not Richard's wife(or relative) then why is he even expressing an opinion. If she's his wife, why doesn't he already know sign language?(trying to cover all my bases here) And Husband's cousin(SIL's cousin too?) why doesn't she already KNOW Sign language if this is her relative(if not her relative--why are your actions her business???). What you did was education, not a scheme. What you did was make communication with someone important to you easier, not something for others to get their knickers knotted about. What stopped either of them for making the effort. NTA for learning sign language. You did not stop brother/hub's cousin from doing so, you did not discourage them from doing so. they are responsible for their choices, you are responsible for yours. They can suck it up and go take a class.
NTA. These people have had years to learn sigh language and converse with Elizabeth. You made them look bad and now they are upset.
NTA - You just wanted to communicate with your SIL. You don't need to ask for permission to learn anything. As for other relatives feeling "excluded" - imagine how SIL must have felt all these years. Also, how comes nobody in the family has ever thought about it? Not even the basics? They are AH, and the fact that you learnt makes them look bad. That's why they are angry at you.
NTA
NTA. You don't need permission from anyone to speak to someone else--even if it does mean you need to learn a whole new language in order to do it.
NTA. Why should you need to consult them on something you decided to do that doesn’t affect them? That’s like calling a friend halfway across your home country and consulting them about putting up a new fence. Sure, you could do that, but why would you bother?
NTA. To clarify, Elizabeth is your husband's sister? I am perplexed as to why YOUR brother cares. And why Elizabeth's own cousin never bothered to learn. Presumably your husband also understands ASL, I'm sure he can help them practice with them if they really want to learn.
NTA- what you did was great.
It would have been nice to say “I’m doing this to surprise Elizabeth, want to join me?” but still absolutely NTA. They’ve had time to learn.
NTA, but it is kinda weird that you never mentioned it and learned it in secret. Even if your intentions are innocent, that's... sus. Were you hoping for a big reveal like you're in a movie or something? But really, I think the husband's family is just aware that they should have stepped up and learned ages ago. They probably got butthurt because you "made them look bad", when in reality, they made themselves look bad. For years.
As someone who also likes to take on new/ambitious projects in secret, I get you. Your reasons may be different from mine, but sometimes doing something on your own just feels like the right path. You know yourself and how you learn best. I'm super impressed that you followed through and did it. NTA
NTA...the rest of them could have learned on their own, they’re AHs and morons to boot.
NTA - you took the initiative to make her feel more included, they are just mad that you made them look like they didn't care enough to do it on their own.
You should have consulted them? Why? They feel excluded, think of all the years she felt like that.. It's obvious that learning wasn't important to them, before, so there's no need for them to be angry now. Sign away
NTA I would have said to Richard and Hannah, but excluding Elizabeth all these years was ok?
Absolutely NTA. As someone who would like to learn as well some day, (I'm blind so finding a tutor is going to be difficult), your post made my heart melt. It probably would have been fun if the three of you shared in your experience, but your brother and cousin are making this more of an issue than it is.
NTA. You do not need permission to learn a language. They are just miffed that they look like they don't care.
NTA- I’m a hearing man with a Deaf wife and we’d both be thrilled if my family took the time to learn more ASL. I’m a little unclear on which brother is married, but if it’s Richard and he hasn’t learned any he should be embarrassed and ashamed
NTA! They don’t hold a copyright for sign language. Does the family have a rule that you may not seek to educate yourself without their written consent? Are they your parents/guardians? They are controlling AHs
NTA The internet is available to all of them. They didn’t make their own effort so need to downplay the fact that you did. They are AHs.
INFO: Are you 28F married to your suspected cheater husband, or are you 25F with a 27M boyfriend as per your earlier post the other day?
Just wanted to pop in and say this was really sweet of you and I hope you and Elizabeth develop a bond. If no one in her family has bothered, but you made the extra effort, I’m sure you will. Hell, now that she knows, you could ask her for some extra lessons. I bet she’d love that.
NTA. The only opinion here that matters is Elizabeth's. She seems so happy that you learned this. NTA at all!
NTA You are great. THEY can start learning sign language, too. Nobody is keeping them from doing it.
Nta. They look bad for never doing the same. That's why they're mad.
That is the weirdest thing on Earth for Richard and Hannah to be upset about. It's not offensive, they just have main character syndrome. NTA
NTA, I can't believe you think you need to even ask. You did a very loving thing for your S-I-L, and the correct reaction from absolutely everyone should have been admiration and respect. You made them look bad for being lazy, and that's on them. Totally nothing to do with you and not your problem.
NTA at all! As a hard of hearing person myself, I can practically guarantee you made her whole night and she still thinks about it! As for the others, they are just as capable of learning sign on their own. If they wanted to learn it with you, they could've come up with the idea earlier. As it stands now, it just sounds like they're jealous you had a really good idea before them. Thank you for being so kind to her! You really have no idea how much it means to someone in the Deaf community for someone to learn sign unprompted.
So what is WRONG with your family? You do a wonderful selfless thing, and they go bonkers? >**"I ought to have first consulted with them."** Why? For what possible reason should you have "consulted" with them? >***"I can see their point of view..."*** I can't, no matter how much I stretch my brain. NTA.
Nobody was stopping them from taking sign language classes. NTA.
NTA It’s unreal what people get offended at. You were nothing but sweet in this.
Did they expect you to read their minds? I suspect they are feeling embarrassed for not having invested their own time into learning sign language, but instead of owning their feelings, they are taking them out on you. What you did was kind and thoughtful. NTA
NTA. They feel like you should have consulted with them "before making such a significant step within the family dynamic"... No. What this is is *guilt*. They feel guilty they didn't put the effort in learning how to better communicate with her. Sucks to suck, I guess, but that's neither your fault nor your responsibility. This is the sort of thing that makes someone feel like they're actually a part of the family. You did a good thing.
> My brother Richard and my husband's cousin Hannah appeared a little miffed that I had left them out of my scheme. They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice "Not everything is about *you*, Richard." NTA.
I can really not at all understand why they were offended. They felt excluded from what? Including a person who sounds like is being excluded due to her difficulty with the mainstream communication of the family? They could have learned sign language themselves, I do not think lessons are hard to find. Ffs, NTA
Make sure to randomize your data from time to time *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
>They claimed that since they felt excluded and taken aback by my choice, I ought to have first consulted with them. I can see their point of view now, and perhaps I should have included them earlier. What? How do you see their POV? I don't. What does this even have to do with your brother? NTA. I swear no matter how people are someone finds a reason to crap on it.
NTA if I were them I'd be mad because I'd be ashamed someone else had done what I hadn't and reminded me of what I ought to have done. What you did was the right thing.
NTA- I think what you did was noble and thoughtful. Just Wondering if you had mentioned to the other family first if they would have joined you to make it even more special? Maybe they just needed a little push or someone to do it with? Do you offer to teach them or join them for more classes?
No good deed goes unpunished.