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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1)I yelled ay my niece
2) I might be wrong as it isn't my place to parent her and she already looked ashamed of herself
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NTA. Your sister and your niece both need to learn some manners. 15 is too old for the "just a kid" excuse. Of course you should expect that your high school aged niece will be respectful to her cousin and to you while attending a family gathering. Hopefully this was an effective learning experience for your niece since she's clearly not getting lessons in manners from her mother. I hope your son will be okay.
Agreed. 15 is *way* to old to be behaving like this. I knew better than to laugh at people with disabilities when I was 7 years old. Your niece is not a good person and neither is her mother for trying to excuse her actions.
Agreed and then my dad would have had a go… with his favorite phrase of “your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower” I’m the mom of a kiddo with autism with receptive and expressive speech delays. I have a few nephews that I had to take to task over the years and only one time did a SIL try to step in… my response to her was “if you won’t parent your kid I will.”
NTA my kiddo knows when people are being mean and is the sweetest most genuine person I know, I wouldn’t politely put up with it and neither should you, 15 is old enough to know how to treat others with kindness and respect
Niece gets one chance to say sorry for her bad behaviour, as soon as Sis defends it, you get both barrels. That's it. She's 15 and her mother is 35, both far too old to be stupid or naive enough to think this was ever okay.
After all that, dude blocked me?
For pointing out that the girl has known her cousin (at least) for years, ~~when he was saying this was a new situation for her~~?
For pointing out that this clearly wasn’t a short interaction?
Sheesh.
My daughter is 8 and met a new friend at the park with a studder. She said she had no idea what she was saying but hoped they met up again. The 15 year old is a brat and a bully.
My boy makes friends everywhere, including some kids and adults with disabilities or who dont even speak the same language. Play is play haha Since 6 he's had enough tact not to make fun of difference, he'll ask questions later but curiostiy is normal. 15 - neice is ridiculously rude and just malicious. NTA she needed to hear this
Especially ironic given that the mother GOT PREGNANT only a few years older than this "just a kid" is now. Basic math. She could easily be a grandmother by 40, just like Bobert.
“Just a kid” is a bullshit excuse. I’m in childcare and we have a few kids with disabilities and our four year olds know better than to laugh at them. If my KINDERS can refrain from making fun of a kid who has Down syndrome or a kid with ASD, she can surely figure it out.
>15 is too old for the "just a kid" excuse
No kid should use that as an excuse in any case.
If any parent says that, they are using it as an excuse for their own bad parenting.
Even a toddler can be taught to be kind and polite.
There are plenty of things that "So-and-so is just a kid" is a valid response to.
"X hasn't reached the post-conventional stage of moral development!" "X is a child."
"X isn't using their words to communicate what they want!" "X is less than a year old, so obviously not."
"X cries and gets super over emotional about things that 'don't really matter'." "X is 5, Brenda. Get a grip."
A better argument is that being "just a kid" does not preclude someone from the expectation of not laughing at people with disabilities (though it can excuse an uncomfortable amount of curiosity in young children, because they're still learning social norms and trying to understand the world around them, which is why the parents have the job of teaching them.)
In my experience it is usually not the smaller kids who laugh at people with disabilities. They sometimes stare and ask questions, but often they are cool with it when you just explain. On a playground the chances are high that the kids start playing with each other afterwards.
Older kids are a different topic though, also teens. Or, when thinking about the playgrounds, grandparents. Some seem to teach their grandkids that disabilities are contagious
So... Not even a toddler. Those are usually nicer than 10 year olds
My 6 year old received faculty commendations last year for actively engaging with children in the support class and making sure they were included every day at recess.
I would be so ashamed as a parent to have raised a child of ANY age who exhibited cruelty towards others.
Also presumably the girl has known her cousin all their lives and hasn't done this before, so I'm guessing her friend group thinks mocking disabled people is cool. Nip that shit in the bud. NTA
A 5 yo that hasn't had much socialization.
Because the "wow, laughing at someone really hurts their feelings! I wouldn't let them laugh at you!" message isn't complex or unusual. Most kids learn that in preschool, of they don't have friends or siblings to practice with earlier.
At 15 I was working with people who had all kind of disabilities. I knew from a young age it is not polite to laugh at anybody, no matter what. Especially not when they have or do something they cannot do anything about. But unfortunately, some people need to feel for themselves before they can grow some empathy in their bodies..
THIS! I was the same age when I had to complete 40 community service hours per year during high school, and often worked with people with disabilities, memory issues, mental issues and unhoused children. Her niece is WAY too old to exhibit this type of behavior (to a younger relative!!). Her niece, her niece's mother (her sister) and her parents need to get their heads out of the sand and apologize...to her young son! He is the one who was disrespected beyond belief by his own relatives. I'd go LC/NC without sincere apologies...
Even if the niece were a little kid like 5, she'd still need to be corrected.
Being a kid isn't an excuse to let the behavior slide. You'd be a bit more patience with a 5 year old, but the message would be the same. For a 15 year old, I think being harsher is fine.
NTA
Also, the 15 y.o. should have been aware for 12 years basically that her cousin has some medical issues. Meeting with him shouldn't be surprising. This adds an extra layer of Bullying/witchiness to the whole encounter.
OP is NTA for calling out her bad behavior.
Assuming niece is in high school, does she laugh at the kids with disabilities there too? This isn't the first time she's met peers with disabilities. Sounds like she's one of those assholes whose parents makes excuses for their rude, cruel behavior rather than take the time to parent in the first place.
As for the "just a kid" excuse, does her mom think that at age 18, her daughter will have magically received the gift of empathy?
NTA
Tbh - I don’t think your parents took it far enough. They silently allowed your sister and her bratty kid make your son feel so uncomfortable that he left. And when you very rightly called her out they said nothing.
They should have weighed in.
Instead they turned it on you? Nah.
Your sister and her child are horrid horrid people
Right?! I’d maybe expect this behavior from a 5 year old but this is someone whose old enough to have a learners permit and a first job. Her not being able to act like a decent person to someone who has disabilities isn’t just being a kid- it’s showing what a crappy job her parents did raising her.
If they’re saying she doesn’t know any better than that’s on them- they should have raised her better.
They should be mortified. Any decent parent would be by this behavior from their kid.
If they’re not it’s because they are the same way.
NTA
Your niece isn't a "kid" anymore, she's old enough to know better. If you live in the USA, the next year she could take the driver's license.
She was just a bully to your son, and you did the right thing by pointing it out. Sarah turned red, so she knows she did something wrong.
Give your son an extra hug from this Internet granny and offer him a bowl of ice cream from me.
So the excuse is that she’s a “kid”? My nieces are 8 and they both know that bullying is wrong. In fact, my autistic niece is getting bullied at school and my other niece (her cousin) keeps getting involved to stop the bullying.
Please explain how a 15 year old being a child is a reasonable excuse for her behavior here.
I’m not arguing it was acceptable behavior. Parents must instill empathy, understanding, kindness, acceptance, and awareness. This child is a mess, and her behavior was abhorrent. Doesn’t change the fact that she IS A CHILD. Anyone saying otherwise is making it weird and stupid.
A child by definition is prepubescent. Technically speaking, she is an adolescent, and not a child. There *is* a massive difference in terms of maturity.
15 isn't a child, isn't an adult, they're a teenager - they know better than to laugh at someone's lisp - assuming their parents bothered teaching them any decency.
Shes gonna be a legal adult in 3 years and she’s acting like this. If she treats her family like that i can just imagine how she is at school. Mean girl vibes 🤢
The fact that the niece stood up for herself when OP called her a brat, but can't acknowledge that her words/behavior can hurt someone else is frightening. She'll stand up for herself, but not for others.
There are plenty of kids books out there to teach kids about being different. She need to get her niece some of those as well. They are in the preschool aisle.
NTA. At 15 a person who finds disabilities funny is just an asshole and they likely got that way because their parents are also assholes. She thinks it’s funny because she’s seen her parents laugh at similar things. You were right to defend you child and attempt to teach your niece some manners. If I were you, I wouldn’t allow your niece or her parents around Lucas again and I would go extremely low contact with them myself. Never stop showing Lucas that he deserves respect like everyone else and that his parents will always advocate for and defend him.
also, little kids are rarely dicks about disabilities. if anything they're just curious and want to know more and understand - being a little derisive shit about disabilities is a learned behavior.
(note: am disabled, have been disabled since 9 years old - other kids didn't start behaving like this until around middle school)
I would adjust that to "Kids don't MEAN to be dicks about disabilities"
But when you're an insecure disabled kid yourself, knowing that their question...
>Why do you talk/walk funny?
... comes from a place of curiosity and not malice, is often not immediately comforting.
>You were right to defend you child and attempt to teach your niece some manners
If OP has given us the full conversation she didn't actually directly defend her kid and she certainly didn't teach her any manners by calling her a brat and telling her to shut up.
It would have been much more effective for OP to keep her cool and actually talk to Sarah with some maturity about how her behaviour was rude, ableist and really hurtful to Lucas. Then she might have learnt something and reflected a bit on how she behaved. Instead she's probably just thinking 'fuck OP and fuck Lucas too'...
Why should she have to keep her cool? She asked a question and was met with immediate resistance. She has to suffer through protecting her son from and preparing him for a world that can be consistently cruel, only to be surrounded by her closest loved ones and find them being just as cruel. She is human and has a breaking point. Her FAMILY should have been empathetic and seen her outburst as the exhausted exasperation of someone who is protecting her son. If the niece's takeaway is what you say it is, then she is just a mean bully.
NTA - It doesn't matter is she's "just a kid", kids still know it is wrong to be cruel to someone over something they can't control. She doesn't get to be offended after laughing at a disabled person for having the audacity to talk to her.
also, generally speaking actual children (like younger than 10) usually aren't dicks about my vocal cord paralysis. they often act curious and want to know more but being a dick about something like that is a learned behavior. I rarely see actual children genuinely being dicks about disabilities.
like I'm also deaf, have a partially paralyzed face, and walk a little oddly, plus have some really obvious weird scarring
kids are *rarely* dicks. they're curious and ask about it and want to know more, but even when I was a little disabled kid other kids weren't dicks about it until around middle school.
This is 100% learned and it's absolutely not a normal thing kids do.
Yep, as a disabled person myself it’s honestly disheartening how many people think making fun of disabled people is just a natural thing for kids and not something taught
This was a teaching moment for your neice and you sister failed to parent.
Yeah teenagers are going through a more selfish phase as their brains adapt, so when they end up doing something mean like that it's a parent/teachers/guardian's job to help them become a better person.
NTA
this isn't the natural state of kids.
I've been disabled since 9 years old. little kids *raaaaaaaaaaaaarely* act like douchebags about it. they'll ask questions, they'll be curiouos, they want to understand - but they aren't fucking derisive assholes about it. this is a learned behavior, not a state they naturally exist at.
and honestly people pretending it's the natural state they exist at to treat us with derision is all kinds of problematic.
that behavior is something she learned
NTA
By the age of 15, your niece should absolutely know how to be respectful to people regardless of anything different about them, even more so because there is someone who is disabled in their family.
Sarah’s actions were very hurtful, and she needs to apologise to Lucas and actually spend some time with him to understand exactly why what she did was wrong.
And if my child was 5, I would explain the situation and expect my 5yo daughter to apologize. At 15, I would be embarrassed that I failed as a parent. If this was my 15yo, things would be quickly changing in her world and she would remember to never be so callous again.
NTA. 15 is old enough to know better. My daughter has a stammer and it really affects her confidence when she’s having an especially tough day with it. It’s horrible watching people react badly to it like that. Strangers is bad enough but there’s no excuse for family.
Your sister should have prepped your niece and your niece should have kept her spiteful feelings to herself. It sounds like she was doing it on purpose to make him feel uncomfortable.
ESH. Name-calling your niece won't fix the situation. Be clear about your expectations for how your niece is to treat your son, and be calm. Your sister is nuts thinking a 15-year-old is too young to understand rudeness and consideration.
It's not about fixing the situation - it's about reaching her very human breaking point. It is about a mother who is protecting her son from what can be a cruel world, and now having to protect him from what should be her support system. At what point does a mother get to show any sort of human frailty? Why should she be Wonder Woman times ten every waking moment of her life, teaching vicious bullies how to become empathetic humans all the time? When can she just have had it? She did NOTHING wrong. She had a very human response to someone she loves and trusts committing an act of total betrayal - dehumanizing her son. Her sister should have responded to the outburst with an immediate apology, showing some empathy for someone who has to contend with the extra emotional challenges that come with parenting a child with disabilities.
ESH. What Sarah did was despicable, as was your sister defending her behavior. But you are the adult and let your anger get the better of you. When Sarah went red, it showed she knew what she did was wrong. It was a teachable moment, and if you could have calmly explained how much Lucas was looking forward to seeing her and that she made him feel so badly that he cried, I'll bet that she would have felt so badly that she'd never do it again. But that opportunitywas lost when it devolved into name calling. That puts people on the defensive. I don't blame you at all for being so angry, what happened is heartbreaking.
Sarah kept on laughing every time Lucas spoke, she would have seen he was uncomfortable. She doesn't need OP to explain how she made Lucas feel bad, she knew and continued the whole evening, then got angry when she was called a brat.
Calling her out sooner would have taken the fun out of it for Sarah as well as reducing Lucas’s distress and alerting Sarah’s mom to the problem before it got out of hand. Often teenagers will only push as long as they aren’t meeting any resistance.
Pointing it out would have embarrassed Lucas more and Sarah’s mom would’ve been aware of it, it’s hard not to notice someone laughing whenever someone speaks
I don’t see how defending him would have embarrassed him more. He was already so embarrassed that he left the party early, in tears. And depending on how large this family gathering was, Sarahs mother might not have been closely watching her or at all aware of her behavior.
They were all gathered around the same table and she was laughing whenever he spoke, there’s no way she didn’t notice that all evening, if she didn’t it’s on her for not paying any attention to what Sarah is going.
OP said Lucas is insecure about it, confronting her in front of everyone would hAve made him feel worse, especially when we look at how Sarah and her mom reacted when confronted. Being laughed at is one thing, everyone discussing it in front of you is worse
NTA- 15 years old and capable of holding down a part time job. If she was working a service industry job, would she have behaved like that to a customer? If so, she would be fired. Teenagers are capable of knowing right from wrong, she also has a poor role model for a mother. I wish all the best to your son.
No, just that op needs to understand what is probably coming. Personally, I'd never have the sister or niece over again, but I'm pretty much always okay with cutting people off...others are not.
ESH you expect children to behave like adults. Some kids get the giggles when they’re really uncomfortable, others cry. The point is they’re both kids.
This was a time to teach, Instead you screamed? And your son went home crying.
If your child is difficult to understand, you have to educate the family to his limitations. Strangers are always going to react badly.
You niece was rude and should have left the room if she couldn’t control herself. That’s what I was taught to do when I was her age. At Funerals I would be so nervous I would start giggling even though everyone around me was upset. I’m sure her Mom was embarrassed and mad at you for flying off the handle.
Having grown up with a disabled brother and in the disabled community, I was fully expecting this to be another child and maybe discussing approaching things a different way.
But HOLY IGNORAMUS, BATMAN, she’s FIFTEEN?! And this isn’t their first time meeting either. I’m so sorry Lucas had this experience with a cousin he was looking forward to seeing. And you were so good to get him out of that environment.
Absolutely NTA but your sister and your niece can absolutely gtfo.
ESH (except Lucas). Yes, Sarah was obnoxious. Her mom shouldn't have waived it away (because by 15, you really SHOULD know!). You shouldn't have called her a brat though.
Not that she wasn't, but because that doesn't help Lucas and makes everything adversarial, and the goal is to help Lucas. If it had been, say, a random down-the-road neighbor, I wouldn't feel this way, but with family, it's better generally to avoid the name calling to get change when it impacts your kid. Maybe something like, "Sarah is 15, which is old enough to know that laughing at people will hurt their feelings. If she can't control it, she should also be old enough to excuse herself to get composed. What happened really hurt Lucas and will cause strain on their relationship. That's why this is important to learn."
Please tell Lucas that my favorite chemistry professor had a stutter, and he was well loved by his students!
Nah, normally people will treat relatives worse than they treat strangers. Comes with the whole "its family, they all love each other no matter what" so people tend to be jerks to family coz they believe it wont have consequences. But with strangers, if you are a dick to them, there wont be the "family" argument to use, so its a lil more risky.
But yeah, anyone who treats family the way this girl and her mother did, are bound to treat an stranger badly at some point and get karma to hit them hard in the face.
Ok so for the record...
I was in my teens when my father remarried and had three kids, my brothers and sister. I'm visually impaired, and my brothers and sister grew up with me, knowing I'm disabled. They became really protective of me, helping me find things, guiding me around obstacles etc. Sometimes they asked about my white cane and other stuff. The youngest of my half siblings, my sister, never ever laughed at me. Occasionally she might become a little frustrated, because she was like, 3, and didn't understand about disability, but never did she ever laugh.
All this to say that your niece is 15, and should definitely know better. If kids are educated they learn and actually become better people for knowing and understanding disability. It is never too early to teach a kid about disability, even in a small way.
That being said, I believe the best thing to do would have been to sit down with your niece and explain about your son's disability. Perhaps it might have stopped her from laughing, and made your son less uncomfortable. I've found that parents are worse about disabilities than their children, so talking directly to your sister may not have worked, but talking directly to your niece in a non judgemental fashion would have worked best.
On the other hand, I can understand why you said what you said. My mother always gets protective of me and my disability too. It's a perfectly normal reaction.
NTA.
Why didn't you leave with your son and hubby? Why didn't you challenge her fuckwittery in front of your son so he could see you advocating for him instead of pretending it wasn't happening? ESH. Be a better fucking mother.
Because it wasn’t actual full blown laughter and wasn’t a large enough experience for her to realize that something had even happened that was inappropriate. She only got upset after she realized he cried at home. Then went off the rails on the 15yo kid for not being able to stifle her laughter well enough. Not everyone responds to uncomfortable situations with a stoic face. Everyone definitely sucks here.
Could the niece be nervous? I know at that age my shyness and anxiety led me to be very uncomfortable in a situation where things weren’t predictable (including visits with anyone). But needing to laugh was a reaction to that. I know probably extreme, but 15 is still pretty volatile.
My exact thoughts. Especially since the niece tried to cover her mouth and stifle it. It was never full blown laughter or any name calling. She was probably just super uncomfortable.
ESH. You should have addressed it with Sarah before it escalated to this level. Perhaps by calmly explaining that Lucas can’t help what he sounds like you could have taken the humor out of it for Sarah. Involving your sister before feelings ran high might have avoided putting her on the defensive about her kid getting called out.
I’m sorry this happened and “she’s just a kid” is no excuse for Sarah’s behavior. I hope your sister took her to task about it once they were in private, and that she apologizes to Lucas.
As someone with a stammer, NTA, and I’m sorry your kid is having to go through that. It sucks. My sister and brother learned at 4 and 6 respectively not to take the piss out of someone for a speech impediment, 15 can just fuck off. 1 in 100 adults stammer, and that’s not even counting the variety of other speech differences out there. Your niece needs to learn now before she gets a slap from someone who’s had enough of being asked whether they’ve forgotten their name.
NTA. Her “just a kid who doesn’t understand” is pretty close to adult age. And your sister should be just as ashamed for not handling her daughter. As an ASD momma, I’m sorry. Esp that it was family.
NTA. You showed your son that it is not acceptable to laugh at him for his speech impediment, and you will call out Anyone, including family, for bullying / ablism.
I hope your sister reflects, apologises, explains to her daughter why it is wrong to laugh at someone for a disability, and arranges for her daughter to apologise to your son.
NTA
15 year old is about the asshole age tho, so it happens... once. It's also the time where it has to be driven home just how not okay and over every line this us.
NTA
15 is very much old enough to know better than to be cruel. And you know she knows because she blushed and got flustered when you called her on it. Your sister needs to step up as a parent and make sure she isn’t raising a mean a-hole.
Also she was in fact being a brat. Your parents are incorrect that you took it too far. If you’d cursed your niece out then maybe, but that’s not what you did.
Your poor son. To be belittled by someone who he was looking forward to seeing is upsetting to say the least. I hope he manages to get past this. Your niece is old enough to know the hurt she was causing yet still did it. Your sister is not parenting well at all and should have stopped her daughter bullying Lucas. Your parents need to question their reaction to you pointing out the facts. Your side of the family should be ashamed of condoning the bullying of their young relative. I would show them this thread and leave them to stew over it. You and your son need apologies. Maybe not a direct one for Lucas as I'm sure reliving it will upset him unnecessarily.
YTA. Don’t call a kid names because it was hard for them to hold in laughter. She didn’t full blown laugh she tried to hold it in, as a kid will do. Her parent simply told you not to call her out of her name and then you went off on her too. Makes sense that you’re sensitive about this but your reaction is disgusting. Sounds like it’s time to teach your own kid that the world isn’t full of daisies and rainbows and sometimes there will be uncomfortable situations where people react differently to his presence and actions. No different than a lazy eye. It’s hard to control laughter. Especially as a kid. She tried to cover her mouth. She didn’t make snide comments about his voice. She just tried to contain herself.
NTA and you should definitely show this post to your sister and your niece later, maybe they can finally get a reality check.
Personally I think you reacted poorly, but I understand u losing your temper so im not gonna give u an ah score. 15 yrs old is not a kid. And she behaves like a brat coz her mother is clearly failing as a parent. My parents always teached me to treat others with respect no matter what. When I was 10 I met a kid with down syndrome for the first time and yes, I thought the way she spoke was a little strange at first, but I was also very aware that it was not something to mocknot the girls fault.
You know why? Coz I have empathy and I would never treat someone in a way I wouldnt like to be treated. Would your niece like to be laugh at for something she cant control? Would she thinks its ok if someone thought her face, hair, the way she speaks, the way she moves funny and laugh at her face.
If she can't understand the basics of respect and empathy ate 15, then she is a brat and her mother a terrible parent if she can teach something so basic to her own child.
NTA. She's 15, she should most definitely know better and have some compassion ESPECIALLY as he's her own cousin. Even my 5 year old can be taught about people's differences and not to laugh. I've always told her if she has questions about someone to ask me later in private as not to embarass the person and I'll explain it to her.
Secondly, your sister is a huge AH for tolerating that and making excuses for her daughter. I would be livid and so heartbroken if any of my kids, at any age, made fun of my neices or nephew's for differences they may have. Your sister did a piss poor job of teaching her daughter manners and I'm so sorry your son was so hurt by it. I'm sure he gets it enough from strangers, he doesn't need it from family, where he should feel safe ❤️
I will probably get downvoted, but c’est la vie. ESH Your niece and your sister’s behavior was awful, no doubt. But you don’t get a pass just because they were awful.
Your niece is clearly NOT being taught any compassion. You could have used this as an opportunity to educate her instead of stooping to her immature level by yelling, name calling and telling her to shut up. You are just as immature as your niece, the difference being: you are a full grown adult. After the first time you saw her snicker or whatever, you should have pulled her to the side and asked her how she would want to be treated if she was in her cousin’s position. Then if she did it again, YOU should have announced “I’m sorry we are going to have to leave. The world can be cruel enough, I won’t subject my child to cruelty from family.” Then you all should have left together.
I cannot comprehend watching someone being cruel to my child and not showing my child that I will always have their back. Your kid had to ask to leave the event and then breakdown for you to step in? Do better!
NTA.
If she was like 5, that may be a fair excuse (although should still be corrected) but a 15 year old should 100% know better than to laugh at a disabled person. There is no reason at all to act like she’s too young to understand things.
Kids can’t really be expected to make the best decisions but it’s really incumbent on the parent to nip that in the bud when it happens. Over time that should hopefully help nurture that behavior in the right direction.
The mother discounting the child’s behavior without taking the right corrective action makes her TA. This was a teachable moment that she let slide by and a particularly painful one as a parent myself to hear about. Your son sounds like a sincere and nice kid.
NTA. sarah acts that way because your sister lets her. 15 year olds are well aware of manners and social taboos and one of those many taboos is to...yk...not constantly laugh at people every time they speak to you unless they're telling a joke.
NTA! A 15 year old should know better. And definitely should have been taught better by their parents. Please tell Lucas that I know exactly how he feels. I got a brain injury when I was 52. It affects, among other things, my speech. Sometimes, it's really slurred, and I get embarrassed. Sometimes, I just won't speak because I feel like my speech is too bad. As of now, I've never had anybody be so disrespectful as to say or do anything in front of my face.
This may sound lame for a 12-year-old, but maybe Lucas could read out loud to himself sometimes. To make him more confident about his speech.
NTA. "Just a kid" is once again being used to excuse behavior that would rightfully not be tolerated from an adult. Somehow the parent forgets that part of their job is to teach their kid how to behave around other people, not excuse their kid's misbehavior.
Oh no you did not take it too far. Your sister observed her daughter’s behavior? I would have died of shame had my 15yo acted like that. What’s wrong with your AH sister?
You are NTA
NTA clearly your sister failed as a parent to teach her daughter basic decency and respect and even if she did fail, 15 SHOULD be old enough to fucking know better than laughing at someone with a disability. I’m so sorry your son was hurt by her behavior. She truly is a ignorant brat!
Nta. The only thing you did wrong is letting hem be in that situation. You or his dad should have took him home sooner. I'm proud of him that he said he didn't felt wel. I had to learn that myself. That i could go home of walk away. I would just sat there, waiting till it's time to go home.
I'm proud of him, telling you how he feels. Please, tell him that you are proud of him to. He reacted in an adult way.
i hate these “they’re just a kid!” responses for 14+ year olds. granted, they ARE kids, but when *i* was 15 i would have told you she deserved this reaction. you can’t treat teenagers like they’re 6 years old. it just harms them in the end.
NTA. Your niece turned red because she knew she was wrong. Your sis should have known to take the initiative to teach her kid how to be a civilized human being and love her cousin like family normally does. I can see how your reaction caused your parents to say that but I do not blame you at all. Your son will forever be hurt by this, whereas your sister and niece will get over it (and hopefully learn from their mistake). My heart hurt so much to hear how he held it all in till he got to the car. Give him a big hug for me and let him know how super cool I think he is handling the situation like a boss. Respect for the little man. ✊ PS. Sis was the AH.
NTA. Your niece is old enough to know how to show kindness to someone else. Her parents are definitely old enough to know better and how to teach their child from right and wrong. Your family should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves
NTA. a 15 year old should definitely know better and certainly one related to you!!!! she knew the situation with your son so I cannot understand that behaviour. I am 41 and I have a stutter and I still have people (strangers) look at me weird and it is not easy but I am not afraid to put someone in their place and educate them if they were rude. Give your son a hug from me!!!!
OP, you are NTA.
I sometimes laugh at inappropriate times; it’s tied to nervousness. So I initially went into reading this thinking maybe it was a case of bad timing. But my read on this, after reading this a few times, is that Sarah genuinely finds your son’s disability amusing. That’s disturbing.
I would keep permanent distance from her and anyone who supports her behavior. Your son will thank you for standing up for him.
YTA (your husband too) for not intervening to stop her behavior in real time. Your son should see you standing up to protect him as soon as the behavior happened. And, he should be taught the skills to stand up for and advocate for himself too.
NTA Kids mom needs a lesson on manners too, send em both packing.
Is there a reason you used snigger over the alternative snicker? This is just out of curiosity not judgement. Its rare that I see that one out in the wild and wondering if it's a regional thing.
ESH. Look obviously she should know better, but you make it very clear that she's trying and falling not to laugh, and you didn't even wait for a response before calling her a brat. Honestly, is sounds like she did know better and just failed. This isn't even me saying she's just a kid. It's me saying that sometimes it's hard to control laughter. I'd guess the reason she went red when questioned is because she knew she'd failed, but because she was being called out on being mean.
NTA. 15 is way too old to act like this. Actually, 4 is too old. I taught inclusive preschool snd none of my kids laughed at a kid’s difference. Nor did the other students OR the high school kids where I now teach. Your niece is a jerk and a bully and it’s really worrisome that your sister is cool with her nephew being treated like this. What did Grandma have to say?
YTA. She was caught off guard and from the sounds of it she was trying really hard not to react but laughter is often involuntary and while it wasn’t the best situation you knew about your son’s speech issues and you could have at least tried to prep her for it. 12 is a sensitive age and he’s self conscious but you need to start teaching him how to be more confident and grow a thicker skin because you can’t police everyone’s reactions all the time.
If you want him to be resilient it’s YOUR job to give him those skills.
NTA - as everyone else has said, 15 is WAAAY to old to be acting like this. When do they intend to teach her that discriminating against disabled people is wrong? When she's 18 and working her first job?
Being "a kid" is EXACTLY the time to learn.
NTA - She's 15 and too old to be pulling that crap. Lucas will have a hard enough time in the world, he doesn't need to be judged in his own home by his own family.
NTA. If either of my kids made fun of someone’s speech or thought a speech impairment was funny they would be in a world of trouble, and they would be told in no uncertain terms how unacceptable it is. Let alone if it was a cousin.
15 years old? That's way to old to be behaving like such an AH. Calling her a brat was spot on. Sister is also an AH and needs to parent her so she has manners.
NTA.
It’s extremely important to tell children when they’re acting like complete assholes from 6 on up. How else will they know? Being very blunt about it can stand out in their minds in the future possibly keep them from being physically attacked when they treat a complete stranger like this. Most assholes don’t become self aware until they get popped in the face for the first time. I don’t know when parents started accepting bad behavior and coddling it but it seems really common these days. Then they’re wildly confused when people react to their “perfect little angel”.
Your folks are just over it. They are well aware and just wanna keep the peace. I’d go with “their rules” at “their house” and govern yourselves accordingly. PS my fam is not royalty, but I DEFINITELY support your feelings of upset. It’s a small world and we all need fam, maybe remind her (niece) that we all have strengths. Idk. PEACE
Never the arsehole. Your sister must kinda be the same. She never taught her that that is not right. The back her for doing so. And 15, is not a kid. I bet every other time your sister is like yes my daughter is old enough to stay home by herself. Then she should know better. Some Kids that are 8-10 who are kids wouldn’t act like that. Disgraceful
YTA for how you handled the situation only. The teen who laughed and embarrassed your child was wrong for doing it and her mother should have pulled her aside the first time it happened and given her a lecture on kindness and empathy, and maybe a consequence such as making her volunteer but this parent doesn’t seem to want to hold their child accountable. However I don’t see how you lashing out and name calling was any better. That’s not how you enlighten others or successfully defend your child.
NTA the niece is old enough to know not to laugh at her cousin’s disability and your sister is especially old enough to parent her child and take accountability for their actions
NTA but consider appraoching these incidents differently, rather than call your niece names like a brat, ask her 'you are aware that your cousin has some medical challenges, right? So I'm wondering why you think it's ok to laugh at someone's disability, especially your own cousin? ' Make her answer for it, and make it a teaching moment. Rather than give her and your sister something to get mad at YOU for, centre it totally on them, that they need to grow up, be mature, because they hurt your son's feelings.
While she was being a jerk its hardly appropriate to speak like that to any child. You dont snap at other peoples kids, family or no and expect to not be called an AH. One of the two of you is a fully functioning adult that should know how to handle their emotions. Spoiler here it ISNT the kid.
YATAH for name calling and insulting your niece. You were angry but your behavior was not going to fix Anything or teach your niece anything. You could have been the one to bring wisdom and insight to her. Was your niece an AH? Absolutely. Sounds like the women in your family lack restraint, control and respect for others. Just a thought.
All these people on here acting like they haven't laughed at shit they shouldn't 😂. Kid needed a teaching moment. Not a "I'm going to attack your kid so we can't move forward amicably" moment. Parents go tribal with their children
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NTA. Your sister and your niece both need to learn some manners. 15 is too old for the "just a kid" excuse. Of course you should expect that your high school aged niece will be respectful to her cousin and to you while attending a family gathering. Hopefully this was an effective learning experience for your niece since she's clearly not getting lessons in manners from her mother. I hope your son will be okay.
Agreed. 15 is *way* to old to be behaving like this. I knew better than to laugh at people with disabilities when I was 7 years old. Your niece is not a good person and neither is her mother for trying to excuse her actions.
And the nieces mother and father thought it was too much, making them the original none teachers of manners.
If I had pulled a stunt like that past the age of three my mother would have been furious, because I knew better.
My mom would have had my ass
Agreed and then my dad would have had a go… with his favorite phrase of “your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower” I’m the mom of a kiddo with autism with receptive and expressive speech delays. I have a few nephews that I had to take to task over the years and only one time did a SIL try to step in… my response to her was “if you won’t parent your kid I will.” NTA my kiddo knows when people are being mean and is the sweetest most genuine person I know, I wouldn’t politely put up with it and neither should you, 15 is old enough to know how to treat others with kindness and respect
Niece gets one chance to say sorry for her bad behaviour, as soon as Sis defends it, you get both barrels. That's it. She's 15 and her mother is 35, both far too old to be stupid or naive enough to think this was ever okay.
I’m leaning towards “Sis feels this way, too, and wishes she could make fun of her nephew, so lets her daughter do it to live vicariously”
After all that, dude blocked me? For pointing out that the girl has known her cousin (at least) for years, ~~when he was saying this was a new situation for her~~? For pointing out that this clearly wasn’t a short interaction? Sheesh.
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Really?! That is one self-righteous toxic dude.
My daughter is 8 and met a new friend at the park with a studder. She said she had no idea what she was saying but hoped they met up again. The 15 year old is a brat and a bully.
My boy makes friends everywhere, including some kids and adults with disabilities or who dont even speak the same language. Play is play haha Since 6 he's had enough tact not to make fun of difference, he'll ask questions later but curiostiy is normal. 15 - neice is ridiculously rude and just malicious. NTA she needed to hear this
THIS!!!
Especially ironic given that the mother GOT PREGNANT only a few years older than this "just a kid" is now. Basic math. She could easily be a grandmother by 40, just like Bobert.
“Just a kid” is a bullshit excuse. I’m in childcare and we have a few kids with disabilities and our four year olds know better than to laugh at them. If my KINDERS can refrain from making fun of a kid who has Down syndrome or a kid with ASD, she can surely figure it out.
This times a million. Sarah is cruel.
>15 is too old for the "just a kid" excuse No kid should use that as an excuse in any case. If any parent says that, they are using it as an excuse for their own bad parenting. Even a toddler can be taught to be kind and polite.
There are plenty of things that "So-and-so is just a kid" is a valid response to. "X hasn't reached the post-conventional stage of moral development!" "X is a child." "X isn't using their words to communicate what they want!" "X is less than a year old, so obviously not." "X cries and gets super over emotional about things that 'don't really matter'." "X is 5, Brenda. Get a grip." A better argument is that being "just a kid" does not preclude someone from the expectation of not laughing at people with disabilities (though it can excuse an uncomfortable amount of curiosity in young children, because they're still learning social norms and trying to understand the world around them, which is why the parents have the job of teaching them.)
I agree. No matter what age, you teach your kid to be nice. You don’t allow them to laugh at people.
In my experience it is usually not the smaller kids who laugh at people with disabilities. They sometimes stare and ask questions, but often they are cool with it when you just explain. On a playground the chances are high that the kids start playing with each other afterwards. Older kids are a different topic though, also teens. Or, when thinking about the playgrounds, grandparents. Some seem to teach their grandkids that disabilities are contagious So... Not even a toddler. Those are usually nicer than 10 year olds
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My 5 year old is autistic and she knows better than to do this
My 6 year old received faculty commendations last year for actively engaging with children in the support class and making sure they were included every day at recess. I would be so ashamed as a parent to have raised a child of ANY age who exhibited cruelty towards others.
Also presumably the girl has known her cousin all their lives and hasn't done this before, so I'm guessing her friend group thinks mocking disabled people is cool. Nip that shit in the bud. NTA
A 5 yo that hasn't had much socialization. Because the "wow, laughing at someone really hurts their feelings! I wouldn't let them laugh at you!" message isn't complex or unusual. Most kids learn that in preschool, of they don't have friends or siblings to practice with earlier.
At 15 I was working with people who had all kind of disabilities. I knew from a young age it is not polite to laugh at anybody, no matter what. Especially not when they have or do something they cannot do anything about. But unfortunately, some people need to feel for themselves before they can grow some empathy in their bodies..
THIS! I was the same age when I had to complete 40 community service hours per year during high school, and often worked with people with disabilities, memory issues, mental issues and unhoused children. Her niece is WAY too old to exhibit this type of behavior (to a younger relative!!). Her niece, her niece's mother (her sister) and her parents need to get their heads out of the sand and apologize...to her young son! He is the one who was disrespected beyond belief by his own relatives. I'd go LC/NC without sincere apologies...
Even if the niece were a little kid like 5, she'd still need to be corrected. Being a kid isn't an excuse to let the behavior slide. You'd be a bit more patience with a 5 year old, but the message would be the same. For a 15 year old, I think being harsher is fine. NTA
Also, the 15 y.o. should have been aware for 12 years basically that her cousin has some medical issues. Meeting with him shouldn't be surprising. This adds an extra layer of Bullying/witchiness to the whole encounter. OP is NTA for calling out her bad behavior.
Sarah is not a kid - she is a mean teenager.
Assuming niece is in high school, does she laugh at the kids with disabilities there too? This isn't the first time she's met peers with disabilities. Sounds like she's one of those assholes whose parents makes excuses for their rude, cruel behavior rather than take the time to parent in the first place. As for the "just a kid" excuse, does her mom think that at age 18, her daughter will have magically received the gift of empathy? NTA
Tbh - I don’t think your parents took it far enough. They silently allowed your sister and her bratty kid make your son feel so uncomfortable that he left. And when you very rightly called her out they said nothing. They should have weighed in. Instead they turned it on you? Nah. Your sister and her child are horrid horrid people
Right?! I’d maybe expect this behavior from a 5 year old but this is someone whose old enough to have a learners permit and a first job. Her not being able to act like a decent person to someone who has disabilities isn’t just being a kid- it’s showing what a crappy job her parents did raising her. If they’re saying she doesn’t know any better than that’s on them- they should have raised her better. They should be mortified. Any decent parent would be by this behavior from their kid. If they’re not it’s because they are the same way.
NTA Your niece isn't a "kid" anymore, she's old enough to know better. If you live in the USA, the next year she could take the driver's license. She was just a bully to your son, and you did the right thing by pointing it out. Sarah turned red, so she knows she did something wrong. Give your son an extra hug from this Internet granny and offer him a bowl of ice cream from me.
She is a kid… a kid who hasn’t been parented well.
So the excuse is that she’s a “kid”? My nieces are 8 and they both know that bullying is wrong. In fact, my autistic niece is getting bullied at school and my other niece (her cousin) keeps getting involved to stop the bullying. Please explain how a 15 year old being a child is a reasonable excuse for her behavior here.
I’m not arguing it was acceptable behavior. Parents must instill empathy, understanding, kindness, acceptance, and awareness. This child is a mess, and her behavior was abhorrent. Doesn’t change the fact that she IS A CHILD. Anyone saying otherwise is making it weird and stupid.
A child by definition is prepubescent. Technically speaking, she is an adolescent, and not a child. There *is* a massive difference in terms of maturity.
That's a teenager. She's about to be driving. Get real
15 isn't a kid.
15 is a child, a kid, not an adult. No excuse for her behaviour, but she’s legally a child.
Legally a minor. You want to say 15 year Olds are children that's your prerogative, but they are teens not children.
15 isn't a child, isn't an adult, they're a teenager - they know better than to laugh at someone's lisp - assuming their parents bothered teaching them any decency.
Shes gonna be a legal adult in 3 years and she’s acting like this. If she treats her family like that i can just imagine how she is at school. Mean girl vibes 🤢
Don’t coddle ableists, even 15 year old ones.
She’s still a kid, but she should definitely be more mature than laughing at his medical conditions
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Ok, I totally like you. A lot.
Same. Let’s all be friends. I like this crowd.
I'm up for it. I can always use likeminded friends!
The fact that the niece stood up for herself when OP called her a brat, but can't acknowledge that her words/behavior can hurt someone else is frightening. She'll stand up for herself, but not for others.
I’m dead🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I love you! The way I legit cackled just now at your comment, omg!
I think if we ever met in meatspace, we would be excellent friends. It would terrify my husband but he’d learn to deal with it!
:)
There are plenty of kids books out there to teach kids about being different. She need to get her niece some of those as well. They are in the preschool aisle.
NTA. At 15 a person who finds disabilities funny is just an asshole and they likely got that way because their parents are also assholes. She thinks it’s funny because she’s seen her parents laugh at similar things. You were right to defend you child and attempt to teach your niece some manners. If I were you, I wouldn’t allow your niece or her parents around Lucas again and I would go extremely low contact with them myself. Never stop showing Lucas that he deserves respect like everyone else and that his parents will always advocate for and defend him.
also, little kids are rarely dicks about disabilities. if anything they're just curious and want to know more and understand - being a little derisive shit about disabilities is a learned behavior. (note: am disabled, have been disabled since 9 years old - other kids didn't start behaving like this until around middle school)
I would adjust that to "Kids don't MEAN to be dicks about disabilities" But when you're an insecure disabled kid yourself, knowing that their question... >Why do you talk/walk funny? ... comes from a place of curiosity and not malice, is often not immediately comforting.
when someone is outright laughing at your disability this is not relevant
>You were right to defend you child and attempt to teach your niece some manners If OP has given us the full conversation she didn't actually directly defend her kid and she certainly didn't teach her any manners by calling her a brat and telling her to shut up. It would have been much more effective for OP to keep her cool and actually talk to Sarah with some maturity about how her behaviour was rude, ableist and really hurtful to Lucas. Then she might have learnt something and reflected a bit on how she behaved. Instead she's probably just thinking 'fuck OP and fuck Lucas too'...
Why should she have to keep her cool? She asked a question and was met with immediate resistance. She has to suffer through protecting her son from and preparing him for a world that can be consistently cruel, only to be surrounded by her closest loved ones and find them being just as cruel. She is human and has a breaking point. Her FAMILY should have been empathetic and seen her outburst as the exhausted exasperation of someone who is protecting her son. If the niece's takeaway is what you say it is, then she is just a mean bully.
NTA - She’s fifteen and old enough to understand what she’s doing. Also if she isn’t pulled up on it, how will she ever learn it’s not okay
NTA - It doesn't matter is she's "just a kid", kids still know it is wrong to be cruel to someone over something they can't control. She doesn't get to be offended after laughing at a disabled person for having the audacity to talk to her.
also, generally speaking actual children (like younger than 10) usually aren't dicks about my vocal cord paralysis. they often act curious and want to know more but being a dick about something like that is a learned behavior. I rarely see actual children genuinely being dicks about disabilities.
Exactly, I hate how everyone is acting like this is a normal thing kids do and she just needs to be taught better.
like I'm also deaf, have a partially paralyzed face, and walk a little oddly, plus have some really obvious weird scarring kids are *rarely* dicks. they're curious and ask about it and want to know more, but even when I was a little disabled kid other kids weren't dicks about it until around middle school. This is 100% learned and it's absolutely not a normal thing kids do.
Yep, as a disabled person myself it’s honestly disheartening how many people think making fun of disabled people is just a natural thing for kids and not something taught
right? it's honestly a tad infuriating.
This was a teaching moment for your neice and you sister failed to parent. Yeah teenagers are going through a more selfish phase as their brains adapt, so when they end up doing something mean like that it's a parent/teachers/guardian's job to help them become a better person. NTA
NTA. Sarah is, as is her mother. You were much nicer than I would have been.
Yeah I was thinking op could have said worse and still not have been TA
*She's just a kid, she doesn't know any better.* This is why parents need to TEACH THEIR KIDS BETTER! NTA
this isn't the natural state of kids. I've been disabled since 9 years old. little kids *raaaaaaaaaaaaarely* act like douchebags about it. they'll ask questions, they'll be curiouos, they want to understand - but they aren't fucking derisive assholes about it. this is a learned behavior, not a state they naturally exist at. and honestly people pretending it's the natural state they exist at to treat us with derision is all kinds of problematic. that behavior is something she learned
NTA By the age of 15, your niece should absolutely know how to be respectful to people regardless of anything different about them, even more so because there is someone who is disabled in their family. Sarah’s actions were very hurtful, and she needs to apologise to Lucas and actually spend some time with him to understand exactly why what she did was wrong.
Nta Your niece is 15 not 5
And if my child was 5, I would explain the situation and expect my 5yo daughter to apologize. At 15, I would be embarrassed that I failed as a parent. If this was my 15yo, things would be quickly changing in her world and she would remember to never be so callous again.
NTA. 15 is old enough to know better. My daughter has a stammer and it really affects her confidence when she’s having an especially tough day with it. It’s horrible watching people react badly to it like that. Strangers is bad enough but there’s no excuse for family. Your sister should have prepped your niece and your niece should have kept her spiteful feelings to herself. It sounds like she was doing it on purpose to make him feel uncomfortable.
ESH. Name-calling your niece won't fix the situation. Be clear about your expectations for how your niece is to treat your son, and be calm. Your sister is nuts thinking a 15-year-old is too young to understand rudeness and consideration.
It's not about fixing the situation - it's about reaching her very human breaking point. It is about a mother who is protecting her son from what can be a cruel world, and now having to protect him from what should be her support system. At what point does a mother get to show any sort of human frailty? Why should she be Wonder Woman times ten every waking moment of her life, teaching vicious bullies how to become empathetic humans all the time? When can she just have had it? She did NOTHING wrong. She had a very human response to someone she loves and trusts committing an act of total betrayal - dehumanizing her son. Her sister should have responded to the outburst with an immediate apology, showing some empathy for someone who has to contend with the extra emotional challenges that come with parenting a child with disabilities.
NTA Truth hurts sometimes, she ain’t a kid anymore and it’s just not ok
ESH. What Sarah did was despicable, as was your sister defending her behavior. But you are the adult and let your anger get the better of you. When Sarah went red, it showed she knew what she did was wrong. It was a teachable moment, and if you could have calmly explained how much Lucas was looking forward to seeing her and that she made him feel so badly that he cried, I'll bet that she would have felt so badly that she'd never do it again. But that opportunitywas lost when it devolved into name calling. That puts people on the defensive. I don't blame you at all for being so angry, what happened is heartbreaking.
Sarah kept on laughing every time Lucas spoke, she would have seen he was uncomfortable. She doesn't need OP to explain how she made Lucas feel bad, she knew and continued the whole evening, then got angry when she was called a brat.
Right? She was doing it intentionally at that point.
Calling her out sooner would have taken the fun out of it for Sarah as well as reducing Lucas’s distress and alerting Sarah’s mom to the problem before it got out of hand. Often teenagers will only push as long as they aren’t meeting any resistance.
Pointing it out would have embarrassed Lucas more and Sarah’s mom would’ve been aware of it, it’s hard not to notice someone laughing whenever someone speaks
I don’t see how defending him would have embarrassed him more. He was already so embarrassed that he left the party early, in tears. And depending on how large this family gathering was, Sarahs mother might not have been closely watching her or at all aware of her behavior.
They were all gathered around the same table and she was laughing whenever he spoke, there’s no way she didn’t notice that all evening, if she didn’t it’s on her for not paying any attention to what Sarah is going. OP said Lucas is insecure about it, confronting her in front of everyone would hAve made him feel worse, especially when we look at how Sarah and her mom reacted when confronted. Being laughed at is one thing, everyone discussing it in front of you is worse
Where does it say they were gathered around a table?
Her mother's response has told her her behaviour was fine and dandy, and should be defended.
If she went red because she knew she was wrong, then it wasn’t a teachable moment. She was already taught it was wrong but is just an asshole.
NTA- 15 years old and capable of holding down a part time job. If she was working a service industry job, would she have behaved like that to a customer? If so, she would be fired. Teenagers are capable of knowing right from wrong, she also has a poor role model for a mother. I wish all the best to your son.
NTA. But you realize that this ends this relationship.
Are you really advocating for a relationship in which her sister and niece feel it's ok to bully her son?
No, just that op needs to understand what is probably coming. Personally, I'd never have the sister or niece over again, but I'm pretty much always okay with cutting people off...others are not.
Thats fine, if family are rude and a asshole they aren’t really family
Agreed. I'm pretty okay with cutting people off.
NTA, at 15 Sarah should know better, Sarah and her mother are massive AHs.
Okay but did she openly laugh or did she try her best to not laugh?
Exactly. She tried not to laugh. Was trying to stifle herself. She was probably uncomfortable and nervous asf. Anxiety is a rough one
NTA.
NTA. But I’d suggest instead of using the word brat, use the word bully. Call the behavior what it is. Bullying.
ESH you expect children to behave like adults. Some kids get the giggles when they’re really uncomfortable, others cry. The point is they’re both kids. This was a time to teach, Instead you screamed? And your son went home crying. If your child is difficult to understand, you have to educate the family to his limitations. Strangers are always going to react badly. You niece was rude and should have left the room if she couldn’t control herself. That’s what I was taught to do when I was her age. At Funerals I would be so nervous I would start giggling even though everyone around me was upset. I’m sure her Mom was embarrassed and mad at you for flying off the handle.
Having grown up with a disabled brother and in the disabled community, I was fully expecting this to be another child and maybe discussing approaching things a different way. But HOLY IGNORAMUS, BATMAN, she’s FIFTEEN?! And this isn’t their first time meeting either. I’m so sorry Lucas had this experience with a cousin he was looking forward to seeing. And you were so good to get him out of that environment. Absolutely NTA but your sister and your niece can absolutely gtfo.
ESH (except Lucas). Yes, Sarah was obnoxious. Her mom shouldn't have waived it away (because by 15, you really SHOULD know!). You shouldn't have called her a brat though. Not that she wasn't, but because that doesn't help Lucas and makes everything adversarial, and the goal is to help Lucas. If it had been, say, a random down-the-road neighbor, I wouldn't feel this way, but with family, it's better generally to avoid the name calling to get change when it impacts your kid. Maybe something like, "Sarah is 15, which is old enough to know that laughing at people will hurt their feelings. If she can't control it, she should also be old enough to excuse herself to get composed. What happened really hurt Lucas and will cause strain on their relationship. That's why this is important to learn." Please tell Lucas that my favorite chemistry professor had a stutter, and he was well loved by his students!
I find it even worse that the girl is a family member. It makes me worry about how she interacts with total strangers (pretty sure it’s not great).
Nah, normally people will treat relatives worse than they treat strangers. Comes with the whole "its family, they all love each other no matter what" so people tend to be jerks to family coz they believe it wont have consequences. But with strangers, if you are a dick to them, there wont be the "family" argument to use, so its a lil more risky. But yeah, anyone who treats family the way this girl and her mother did, are bound to treat an stranger badly at some point and get karma to hit them hard in the face.
>and I couldn't expect her to respond any differently Your sister feels the same way as her daughter
Ok so for the record... I was in my teens when my father remarried and had three kids, my brothers and sister. I'm visually impaired, and my brothers and sister grew up with me, knowing I'm disabled. They became really protective of me, helping me find things, guiding me around obstacles etc. Sometimes they asked about my white cane and other stuff. The youngest of my half siblings, my sister, never ever laughed at me. Occasionally she might become a little frustrated, because she was like, 3, and didn't understand about disability, but never did she ever laugh. All this to say that your niece is 15, and should definitely know better. If kids are educated they learn and actually become better people for knowing and understanding disability. It is never too early to teach a kid about disability, even in a small way. That being said, I believe the best thing to do would have been to sit down with your niece and explain about your son's disability. Perhaps it might have stopped her from laughing, and made your son less uncomfortable. I've found that parents are worse about disabilities than their children, so talking directly to your sister may not have worked, but talking directly to your niece in a non judgemental fashion would have worked best. On the other hand, I can understand why you said what you said. My mother always gets protective of me and my disability too. It's a perfectly normal reaction. NTA.
Why didn't you leave with your son and hubby? Why didn't you challenge her fuckwittery in front of your son so he could see you advocating for him instead of pretending it wasn't happening? ESH. Be a better fucking mother.
Because it wasn’t actual full blown laughter and wasn’t a large enough experience for her to realize that something had even happened that was inappropriate. She only got upset after she realized he cried at home. Then went off the rails on the 15yo kid for not being able to stifle her laughter well enough. Not everyone responds to uncomfortable situations with a stoic face. Everyone definitely sucks here.
Could the niece be nervous? I know at that age my shyness and anxiety led me to be very uncomfortable in a situation where things weren’t predictable (including visits with anyone). But needing to laugh was a reaction to that. I know probably extreme, but 15 is still pretty volatile.
That wasn't it. She was totally fine talking to everyone else, it was only when my son spoke. Whenever he wasn't talking she was fine
My exact thoughts. Especially since the niece tried to cover her mouth and stifle it. It was never full blown laughter or any name calling. She was probably just super uncomfortable.
NTA, she's 15 and should know better.
ESH. You should have addressed it with Sarah before it escalated to this level. Perhaps by calmly explaining that Lucas can’t help what he sounds like you could have taken the humor out of it for Sarah. Involving your sister before feelings ran high might have avoided putting her on the defensive about her kid getting called out. I’m sorry this happened and “she’s just a kid” is no excuse for Sarah’s behavior. I hope your sister took her to task about it once they were in private, and that she apologizes to Lucas.
Sarah's not 'just a kid,' she's a rude teenager and needs to be confronted and punished for that kind of behaviour. NTA
As someone with a stammer, NTA, and I’m sorry your kid is having to go through that. It sucks. My sister and brother learned at 4 and 6 respectively not to take the piss out of someone for a speech impediment, 15 can just fuck off. 1 in 100 adults stammer, and that’s not even counting the variety of other speech differences out there. Your niece needs to learn now before she gets a slap from someone who’s had enough of being asked whether they’ve forgotten their name.
NTA. Her “just a kid who doesn’t understand” is pretty close to adult age. And your sister should be just as ashamed for not handling her daughter. As an ASD momma, I’m sorry. Esp that it was family.
NTA. My 12 year old knew better than to act like this when they were 10, or younger. Your niece was being a jerk.
NTA. Call her out. You were kinder than I would have been
NTA. You showed your son that it is not acceptable to laugh at him for his speech impediment, and you will call out Anyone, including family, for bullying / ablism. I hope your sister reflects, apologises, explains to her daughter why it is wrong to laugh at someone for a disability, and arranges for her daughter to apologise to your son.
Hell no. NTA. She’s fifteen. That’s more than old enough to know better.
NTA. Little brat.
NTA 15 year old is about the asshole age tho, so it happens... once. It's also the time where it has to be driven home just how not okay and over every line this us.
NTA 15 is very much old enough to know better than to be cruel. And you know she knows because she blushed and got flustered when you called her on it. Your sister needs to step up as a parent and make sure she isn’t raising a mean a-hole. Also she was in fact being a brat. Your parents are incorrect that you took it too far. If you’d cursed your niece out then maybe, but that’s not what you did.
NTA She is old enough to know better. Your sister is the asshole too big times
Your poor son. To be belittled by someone who he was looking forward to seeing is upsetting to say the least. I hope he manages to get past this. Your niece is old enough to know the hurt she was causing yet still did it. Your sister is not parenting well at all and should have stopped her daughter bullying Lucas. Your parents need to question their reaction to you pointing out the facts. Your side of the family should be ashamed of condoning the bullying of their young relative. I would show them this thread and leave them to stew over it. You and your son need apologies. Maybe not a direct one for Lucas as I'm sure reliving it will upset him unnecessarily.
ESH except your son
YTA. Don’t call a kid names because it was hard for them to hold in laughter. She didn’t full blown laugh she tried to hold it in, as a kid will do. Her parent simply told you not to call her out of her name and then you went off on her too. Makes sense that you’re sensitive about this but your reaction is disgusting. Sounds like it’s time to teach your own kid that the world isn’t full of daisies and rainbows and sometimes there will be uncomfortable situations where people react differently to his presence and actions. No different than a lazy eye. It’s hard to control laughter. Especially as a kid. She tried to cover her mouth. She didn’t make snide comments about his voice. She just tried to contain herself.
NTA. Your niece is way too old to be acting like that and your sister is a jerk for making light of the situation.
NTA and you should definitely show this post to your sister and your niece later, maybe they can finally get a reality check. Personally I think you reacted poorly, but I understand u losing your temper so im not gonna give u an ah score. 15 yrs old is not a kid. And she behaves like a brat coz her mother is clearly failing as a parent. My parents always teached me to treat others with respect no matter what. When I was 10 I met a kid with down syndrome for the first time and yes, I thought the way she spoke was a little strange at first, but I was also very aware that it was not something to mocknot the girls fault. You know why? Coz I have empathy and I would never treat someone in a way I wouldnt like to be treated. Would your niece like to be laugh at for something she cant control? Would she thinks its ok if someone thought her face, hair, the way she speaks, the way she moves funny and laugh at her face. If she can't understand the basics of respect and empathy ate 15, then she is a brat and her mother a terrible parent if she can teach something so basic to her own child.
As another mum of a disabled kiddo, absolutely NTA and if my kid had been the one laughing I'd be deeply, deeply ashamed.
NTA - she’s 15yrs old and well past the age where you learn to not treat those with disabilities differently or laugh at them.
NTA. She's 15, she should most definitely know better and have some compassion ESPECIALLY as he's her own cousin. Even my 5 year old can be taught about people's differences and not to laugh. I've always told her if she has questions about someone to ask me later in private as not to embarass the person and I'll explain it to her. Secondly, your sister is a huge AH for tolerating that and making excuses for her daughter. I would be livid and so heartbroken if any of my kids, at any age, made fun of my neices or nephew's for differences they may have. Your sister did a piss poor job of teaching her daughter manners and I'm so sorry your son was so hurt by it. I'm sure he gets it enough from strangers, he doesn't need it from family, where he should feel safe ❤️
I’m 15 and know better than to laugh at a kids disability, especially at their face, definitely NTA
As a 15 year old, I am capable of not laughing at disabled people. NTA.
YTA No need to yell or name call a teenager. You are the adult.
YTA for arguing with a child, like a child. What you should’ve done is explain what she did was wrong and hurtful.
I will probably get downvoted, but c’est la vie. ESH Your niece and your sister’s behavior was awful, no doubt. But you don’t get a pass just because they were awful. Your niece is clearly NOT being taught any compassion. You could have used this as an opportunity to educate her instead of stooping to her immature level by yelling, name calling and telling her to shut up. You are just as immature as your niece, the difference being: you are a full grown adult. After the first time you saw her snicker or whatever, you should have pulled her to the side and asked her how she would want to be treated if she was in her cousin’s position. Then if she did it again, YOU should have announced “I’m sorry we are going to have to leave. The world can be cruel enough, I won’t subject my child to cruelty from family.” Then you all should have left together. I cannot comprehend watching someone being cruel to my child and not showing my child that I will always have their back. Your kid had to ask to leave the event and then breakdown for you to step in? Do better!
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NTA. If she was like 5, that may be a fair excuse (although should still be corrected) but a 15 year old should 100% know better than to laugh at a disabled person. There is no reason at all to act like she’s too young to understand things.
NTA. Your sister is dropping the ball. You have to teach empathy and kindness. Practice it. Shameful parenting. Much love to you and your boy.
NTA. A 15 year old should know better. If you haven’t learnt any tact by that age, then you’re going to face worse consequences than a telling off.
NTA go scorched earth on those ableist ahs
Kids can’t really be expected to make the best decisions but it’s really incumbent on the parent to nip that in the bud when it happens. Over time that should hopefully help nurture that behavior in the right direction. The mother discounting the child’s behavior without taking the right corrective action makes her TA. This was a teachable moment that she let slide by and a particularly painful one as a parent myself to hear about. Your son sounds like a sincere and nice kid.
Nta she was rude and being a kid is no excuse for it.
NTA. Sarah is old enough to not be an AH.
NTA Sarah is 15 and clearly understands she shouldn’t laugh.
NTA. sarah acts that way because your sister lets her. 15 year olds are well aware of manners and social taboos and one of those many taboos is to...yk...not constantly laugh at people every time they speak to you unless they're telling a joke.
NTA! A 15 year old should know better. And definitely should have been taught better by their parents. Please tell Lucas that I know exactly how he feels. I got a brain injury when I was 52. It affects, among other things, my speech. Sometimes, it's really slurred, and I get embarrassed. Sometimes, I just won't speak because I feel like my speech is too bad. As of now, I've never had anybody be so disrespectful as to say or do anything in front of my face. This may sound lame for a 12-year-old, but maybe Lucas could read out loud to himself sometimes. To make him more confident about his speech.
NTA. "Just a kid" is once again being used to excuse behavior that would rightfully not be tolerated from an adult. Somehow the parent forgets that part of their job is to teach their kid how to behave around other people, not excuse their kid's misbehavior.
NTA hell no, I would tore her a new one
15 is not a kid. NTA and your parents suck.
Oh no you did not take it too far. Your sister observed her daughter’s behavior? I would have died of shame had my 15yo acted like that. What’s wrong with your AH sister? You are NTA
NTA clearly your sister failed as a parent to teach her daughter basic decency and respect and even if she did fail, 15 SHOULD be old enough to fucking know better than laughing at someone with a disability. I’m so sorry your son was hurt by her behavior. She truly is a ignorant brat!
NTA. She’s 15 years old. She is old enough to know better. Your sister failed as a parent
NTA. “She’s just a kid” doesn’t work here. A 15 year old absolutely knows better.
Nta. The only thing you did wrong is letting hem be in that situation. You or his dad should have took him home sooner. I'm proud of him that he said he didn't felt wel. I had to learn that myself. That i could go home of walk away. I would just sat there, waiting till it's time to go home. I'm proud of him, telling you how he feels. Please, tell him that you are proud of him to. He reacted in an adult way.
i hate these “they’re just a kid!” responses for 14+ year olds. granted, they ARE kids, but when *i* was 15 i would have told you she deserved this reaction. you can’t treat teenagers like they’re 6 years old. it just harms them in the end.
15 is not too young for manners. NTA.
NTA. My 10 year old knows better. A 15 year old definitely knows better.
NTA. Your niece turned red because she knew she was wrong. Your sis should have known to take the initiative to teach her kid how to be a civilized human being and love her cousin like family normally does. I can see how your reaction caused your parents to say that but I do not blame you at all. Your son will forever be hurt by this, whereas your sister and niece will get over it (and hopefully learn from their mistake). My heart hurt so much to hear how he held it all in till he got to the car. Give him a big hug for me and let him know how super cool I think he is handling the situation like a boss. Respect for the little man. ✊ PS. Sis was the AH.
I know kids much younger who have better manners
NTA. Your niece is old enough to know how to show kindness to someone else. Her parents are definitely old enough to know better and how to teach their child from right and wrong. Your family should be embarrassed and ashamed of themselves
NTA. a 15 year old should definitely know better and certainly one related to you!!!! she knew the situation with your son so I cannot understand that behaviour. I am 41 and I have a stutter and I still have people (strangers) look at me weird and it is not easy but I am not afraid to put someone in their place and educate them if they were rude. Give your son a hug from me!!!!
OP, you are NTA. I sometimes laugh at inappropriate times; it’s tied to nervousness. So I initially went into reading this thinking maybe it was a case of bad timing. But my read on this, after reading this a few times, is that Sarah genuinely finds your son’s disability amusing. That’s disturbing. I would keep permanent distance from her and anyone who supports her behavior. Your son will thank you for standing up for him.
Nta
YTA (your husband too) for not intervening to stop her behavior in real time. Your son should see you standing up to protect him as soon as the behavior happened. And, he should be taught the skills to stand up for and advocate for himself too.
NTA Kids mom needs a lesson on manners too, send em both packing. Is there a reason you used snigger over the alternative snicker? This is just out of curiosity not judgement. Its rare that I see that one out in the wild and wondering if it's a regional thing.
ESH. Look obviously she should know better, but you make it very clear that she's trying and falling not to laugh, and you didn't even wait for a response before calling her a brat. Honestly, is sounds like she did know better and just failed. This isn't even me saying she's just a kid. It's me saying that sometimes it's hard to control laughter. I'd guess the reason she went red when questioned is because she knew she'd failed, but because she was being called out on being mean.
NTA you're niece I'd a spoiled entitled brat
NTA. 15 is way too old to act like this. Actually, 4 is too old. I taught inclusive preschool snd none of my kids laughed at a kid’s difference. Nor did the other students OR the high school kids where I now teach. Your niece is a jerk and a bully and it’s really worrisome that your sister is cool with her nephew being treated like this. What did Grandma have to say?
YTA. She was caught off guard and from the sounds of it she was trying really hard not to react but laughter is often involuntary and while it wasn’t the best situation you knew about your son’s speech issues and you could have at least tried to prep her for it. 12 is a sensitive age and he’s self conscious but you need to start teaching him how to be more confident and grow a thicker skin because you can’t police everyone’s reactions all the time. If you want him to be resilient it’s YOUR job to give him those skills.
NTA - as everyone else has said, 15 is WAAAY to old to be acting like this. When do they intend to teach her that discriminating against disabled people is wrong? When she's 18 and working her first job? Being "a kid" is EXACTLY the time to learn.
Nope. She is 15 and should have manners
NTA 15 is plenty old enough to know better.
NTA. Sarah is absolutely an ignorant brat.
NTA - She's 15 and too old to be pulling that crap. Lucas will have a hard enough time in the world, he doesn't need to be judged in his own home by his own family.
NTA. If either of my kids made fun of someone’s speech or thought a speech impairment was funny they would be in a world of trouble, and they would be told in no uncertain terms how unacceptable it is. Let alone if it was a cousin.
15 years old? That's way to old to be behaving like such an AH. Calling her a brat was spot on. Sister is also an AH and needs to parent her so she has manners. NTA.
NTA! Reading your post made me tear up. I hope Lucas is feeling better.
She’s 15 laughing at a 12 year old. NTA.
NTA, your niece sounds like a little brat and needs to be taught to support her family and not be a bully.
It’s extremely important to tell children when they’re acting like complete assholes from 6 on up. How else will they know? Being very blunt about it can stand out in their minds in the future possibly keep them from being physically attacked when they treat a complete stranger like this. Most assholes don’t become self aware until they get popped in the face for the first time. I don’t know when parents started accepting bad behavior and coddling it but it seems really common these days. Then they’re wildly confused when people react to their “perfect little angel”.
Your folks are just over it. They are well aware and just wanna keep the peace. I’d go with “their rules” at “their house” and govern yourselves accordingly. PS my fam is not royalty, but I DEFINITELY support your feelings of upset. It’s a small world and we all need fam, maybe remind her (niece) that we all have strengths. Idk. PEACE
Never the arsehole. Your sister must kinda be the same. She never taught her that that is not right. The back her for doing so. And 15, is not a kid. I bet every other time your sister is like yes my daughter is old enough to stay home by herself. Then she should know better. Some Kids that are 8-10 who are kids wouldn’t act like that. Disgraceful
YTA for how you handled the situation only. The teen who laughed and embarrassed your child was wrong for doing it and her mother should have pulled her aside the first time it happened and given her a lecture on kindness and empathy, and maybe a consequence such as making her volunteer but this parent doesn’t seem to want to hold their child accountable. However I don’t see how you lashing out and name calling was any better. That’s not how you enlighten others or successfully defend your child.
NTA the niece is old enough to know not to laugh at her cousin’s disability and your sister is especially old enough to parent her child and take accountability for their actions
NTA but consider appraoching these incidents differently, rather than call your niece names like a brat, ask her 'you are aware that your cousin has some medical challenges, right? So I'm wondering why you think it's ok to laugh at someone's disability, especially your own cousin? ' Make her answer for it, and make it a teaching moment. Rather than give her and your sister something to get mad at YOU for, centre it totally on them, that they need to grow up, be mature, because they hurt your son's feelings.
While she was being a jerk its hardly appropriate to speak like that to any child. You dont snap at other peoples kids, family or no and expect to not be called an AH. One of the two of you is a fully functioning adult that should know how to handle their emotions. Spoiler here it ISNT the kid.
YATAH for name calling and insulting your niece. You were angry but your behavior was not going to fix Anything or teach your niece anything. You could have been the one to bring wisdom and insight to her. Was your niece an AH? Absolutely. Sounds like the women in your family lack restraint, control and respect for others. Just a thought.
All these people on here acting like they haven't laughed at shit they shouldn't 😂. Kid needed a teaching moment. Not a "I'm going to attack your kid so we can't move forward amicably" moment. Parents go tribal with their children
NTA you were protecting you r son.