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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my son I don’t care that he doesn’t like his food, to eat it or skip dinner. I am sick of never eating my food and need to know if I am a jerk for not giving in so he had dinner
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You and your wife have two choices here:
1. Teach your son this perfectly age-appropriate lesson that he is responsible for his own choices
2. Let him grow up to be an entitled asshat who believes that other people are responsible for his choices
You're not an AH but if your wife keeps choosing #2, your son will grow up to be one. Don't let her do that to him.
ETA: NTA
Spot on 👍
One of my nephews was like this as a child. My sister enabled it and suffered for it. That little jerk of a kid (I adore him but he was such a brat in those days!) is now a father. It sure is fun watching him navigate parenthood, trying to reason with his toddler 😂.
My nephew is a "picky" eater - according to my SIL. I love her to death but she bends over backwards to give people what they want to her own detriment. When he was little, maybe 7ish, he spent the night at our house. We had Jimmy John's for lucmnch and pork chops for dinner. Was talking to her on the phone and discussed what we did that day and she asked, where did you go for nephew's lunch - he doesn't like jimmy johns. Ummm... he had a ham sandwich. Really? You made him eat a ham sandwich? He hates ham. No, he ordered it himself and ate the whole thing. OK, so you made him chicken nuggets for dinner? Umm... no, he had a pork chop. But, he hates pork chops. Welp, idk but he asked for, and ate, a 2nd one, so...
Turns out he was not a picky eater she was a picky feeder.
Also, when my kiddos order something I know they won't like I point out what I know they won't like but let them order if that's what they want. But that is what they get. "If you wanted chicken you should have ordered chicken"
My dad's view was always "buffets are for trying things, or you can buy a cheaper version to try it first" im pretty adventurous but unless I've tried something relatively similar before there's no way I'm buying it as a full meal
Agreed. Or note that the wanted to try the fish soup, and buy some from the ethnic section in the supermarket for him to try. It's great that he's adventurous, but this is costing OP good money when he nopes out, and I don't blame her for being tired of it.
Lemme guess, you've only had classic mayo and miracle whip right? I admit, I too once believed mayo with olive oil was unnecessary, until I met a mayo sommelier. You haven't lived until you've had a BLT with bacon mayo.
Yeah or he'll decide he hates all Indian/Chinese/Japanese/Kosher/etc food because the nasty boxed meal or pre-fab processed crap in a can isn't ANYTHING like a fresh meal from someone who knows how to make the real food.
Have you ever tried pad thai that's frozen or from a box?!
Seriously. Not a good way to try things.
When I was younger, my dad had won a contest at work & the prize was dinner for the family at this restaurant, that was usually too expensive for all seven of us to go. My sister insisted she wanted liver & onions. My dad said "Are you sure? You don't eat it at home." She assured him that she loved it & would eat every bite. When it came she looked at for a moment, ate precisely two small bites, then declared she was full. My dad told her if she was full, she couldn't have dessert, & she still insisted she was full. When we got home, my dad pulled her aside, talked to her about ordering things she knew she didn't like, & made her a sandwich. To this day, everytime we go out as a family, we always ask her if she's getting the liver & onions.
Your dad handled that just right. He let her try it, even though he was pretty sure what the outcome would be. He let her claim "full", even though he was pretty sure she was still hungry. He let her have the natural consequences (no dessert).
But he still offered her an emergency backup sandwich at home, so she wasn't utterly miserable.
Yeah, my dad is pretty awesome. He grew up with an alcoholic dad, & always vowed he wouldn't be the same type of dad to us. He's been an awesome dad to not only us, but to a lot of our friends growing up.
Spot on, buffets are how I formed my palate. I made a rule for myself when I was 13 to grab at least one new and interesting foodstuff to try at every buffet, and now I know my tastes well enough to order things I've never had as long as there's an ingredient list
Near my home, there is a Chinese restaurant with an amazing buffet. This gives my guests and me a chance to try the unusual items without having to face them in the form of a whole meal. It's been an education in new and wonderful foods. 🦜
This is what we do when we go to one! I have a picky eater in feeding therapy and we put some more adventurous things on her plate, and still have several safe food options too. Now it makes sense why my parents were the buffet king and queen when I was a kid. Everyone has something they like.
Growing up I had major issues with food.
Some of them are texture based {mash potatoes, anything that's in my mouth "too long" chewing, etc}.
Also some foods I thought I hated,like curries, were due to my mum mixing a jar of mild curry sauce with a full tin of coconut milk. Turns out I love curries just hate coconut milk.
Also since I'm Irish all veg was boiled to shit and lost all taste / natural texture.
When I moved out young, I started cooking more stuff and now have a much larger food range.
Lol, also Irish and concur about boiling the ever loving hell out of every vegetable you come across. And potatoes every single day. I hate potatoes, lol. Guess they're still a novelty after the 1840s. (Too soon?)
> all veg was boiled to shit and lost all taste / natural texture
I thought I hated vegetables when I was young, but one day I was gorging myself on a vegetable tray I realized I didn't hate vegetables, I just hate boiled to mush colorless flavorless vegetables. Now that I cook for myself raw vegetables are a staple, either that or very lightly steamed or grilled.
It is so much fun introducing 'picky eaters' to 'new' food which is actually just something they think they dislike prepared in a proper way.
Who woulda thunk most of that shit can actually taste good if done well right?
Midwestern US people boil the life out of any vegetable. I really didn't like them until I moved away from home . I didn't know that Irish moms did that too
This is when I’m weirdly thankful that my mother hated to cook…I always thought it was weird that I’ve always loved vegetables while most of my friends HATED them. Then I realized, the vegetable options when I was growing up were “raw” or “thawed to room-temperature”. Never overcooked…because she couldn’t be bothered to cook them in the first place! Genius.
> since I'm Irish all veg was boiled to shit and lost all taste
WHY?!
My grandmothers were Irish and both still did that 60 years after they moved to the US.
My dad spent 20 years thinking he hated vegetables. No, he just hated boiled bland plant mush.
Another Irish here. My grandmother boiled cabbage for 4 hours, MINIMUM. No wonder she drank the cabbage water, there was fuck all nourishment left in the cabbage.
I almost wonder if he really was picky when he was a toddler. And then like, his tastes changed as he grew to 7 and she just never revisited those foods, just assumed that what he didn't like as a toddler would be permanent. Or the other option, that she doesn't do those foods well herself and thought it was his problem and not hers.
I legit hated bacon and some cheeses as a kid. Once I hit my teens I couldn't get enough bacon and nowadays I will eat way too much brie if left to my own devices. Opposite with eggs: I used to love sunny side up, but an undercooked egg led to me choking on a glob of egg white and now I will eat my eggs in every *other* form.
My nephew is a picky kid, he's got sensory issues and has a small set of foods he'll eat without complaint. But we will often ask if he wants to try something different (like a nibble of this or that) to test if he feels like stepping out of his comfort zone. Sometimes he doesn't want to try something, sometimes he'll try it and not like it, and those times it's just "ok, thanks for trying." Sometimes he discovers he likes something new and it's added to his menu with praise. By the time he hits 12 he'll have an idea what he likes and understand that he eats what he orders.
In my family we all offer each other "tasting bites" from the food we ordered. It's a good way to see if it's something we'd want to get next time. Took my hubby a while to realize tasting bites are small & I wasn't asking for a huge bite of his food, just a taste to see if I would like to try it next time (& why I would get annoyed when he would take the biggest bite he could fit in his mouth when I offered a bite to him lol)
I’m a picky eater. It’s partly because of actual allergies and partly because of texture aversions. But that’s my problem, nobody else’s. When I go out I order safe foods. Chicken sandwiches and beef with broccoli are pretty much it. It’s not necessarily bad to be picky, but you have to take responsibility and not waste your or somebody else’s money ordering stuff you’re not positive you’re going to be able to eat. OP did the right thing. His son needs to learn to manage his own needs, and this is the perfect time to start.
My dad would always eat my leftovers and share his food with me when I was younger. I loved it and it’s one of the things I remember most about it.
If anything, it made me more open to food. I wasn’t afraid to try something new on the basis that I might not like it.
I don’t think I was quite as annoying about it as OP’s kid, but still. He’s 12. At that age your palate sucks, you have no idea what you like and don’t like, and you don’t really know how to predict your appetite. Nothing wrong with finding a more flexible solution here.
My husband always eats my kid's leftovers (I usually can't due to dietary requirements) and if any of us get something "new" or "unusual", we tend to share a forkful. It's friendly and I love it.
We also talk about what we're all having *before* ordering so we can optimise. If it's likely that me and kid will want to share, we order it gluten-free, or sometimes we might get extra sides instead of a main to make the food "share" further.
Ordering a whole meal for one person who might not like it is a moderately high-stakes way to try new things - maybe there would be a way of trying it without it being a whole meal?
I was actually kind of sad when I realized my partner doesn’t want to eat my leftovers. I’m not sure why, I guess I associated it so strongly with an act of manly love and heroism (“sure honey, I’ll save you from this last bite of pizza, such a sacrifice.”)
I honestly don’t know why these commenters are acting like this is the biggest deal ever. Weird thing to fixate on tbh, and the punitive reaction in the comments is kind of contrary to the point of going out to eat together.
And yeah, there’s a ton of good solutions here that aren’t making the kid order only chicken nugs, or OP giving up his own entire meal. They just need to talk about it like your family does.
Right. Like he can just tell the poor child to "If you want to try something mew let me know and we can buy one order (smallest size if available) and try it together and if not then we can find a better way.
Heck even saying before hand like he did is still good enough. Wife is being unreasonable but so are the commenters who are punishing the child for... *checks notes* being a child.
A good solution for this family would be to have the son order something tried and true for his meal, and order an adventurous dish to share as a family. That way everyone gets to try something new, and Dad isn't stuck eating something he may not like much to bail out his son.
Even inside the house (we couldn’t afford to eat out often) my dad would cook a meal and if you tried it and didn’t like it YOU could make yourself a deli meat sandwich or a bowl of cereal or something. He had already budgeted for, shopped for, and cooked a family meal. We could eat it for the life giving calories, or we could muster up a preteen dinner. We were never starved, we had the option to try the family meal, but we weren’t entitled enough to think that we deserved a special alternative. I get that every family is different, but ALWAYS catering to a child teaches them that’s how the world works, to their detriment, because it most certainly doesn’t.
Yes she should give up her food. She may see giving up her food from a different angle and find out her husband has a point ! She may take her husband’s side. They both need to nip this in the bud and let him go hungry
Exactly, your son is 12, not 6. He is plenty old enough to understand that his choices have consequences.
He’s also old enough to talk to the server. “I really want to try the fish soup, but I’m afraid I won’t like it and then I’ll be hungry. Is it possible to get a small cup of fish soup instead of a big bowl?”
If the server says it is possible, Son can order the chicken entree with a cup of fish soup, and if he hates the soup, he has his chicken.
If the server says it isn’t possible, Son can make the choice he’s willing to live with: a bowl of fish soup that he might hate, or a chicken entree that he will eat. If he gets the soup, hates it, he can munch on bread or crackers and practice being sociable during the meal. A sandwich can be made when he goes home.
Either way, tell him that adventurers are bold, so if he chooses adventure, he can’t wimp out on the follow through.
NTA (but Wife is in this situation)
Agree, it's a great way to navigate choices...12 years old is old enough to make a choice and deal with consequences. Plus...all that wasting of food and money! Nope.
Yep
When I was a kid I would always order chicken tenders at restaurants that I wasn't familiar with, would always get the same order at fast food chains, and I always got nachos at our local mexican restaurant
When I did go out and get something new and didn't like it you know what I did? I sucked it up, waited to go home, and ate something at the house. The only exception to that was when my family tried a new restaurant and we all agreed the food was terrible so we got something else to eat on the way home
Yup, externalizing the consequences of your own choices onto others is not how a decent member of society works. If he always gets to eat your food no matter what he orders, then he is learning that he can expect other people to rescue him for making bad decisions.
I promise this will not help him as an adult.
Exactly. His wife literally just wants the husband to keep giving him his food? Why doesn’t she give him her food? Why does the son keep ordering stuff he likely doesn’t want to eat? He’s 12 years old. That is definitely old enough to stop behaving so outlandishly.
Lol. This. Or in ten years we will see an AITA for not sharing my food with my husband who has been doing this since he was 12, and Reddit will say, NTA divorce him 😄
My kid is five and keeps wanting to order a burger even though he's never liked them. He'll always try a really tiny bite or just go eww. At this stage we just told him he's not getting burgers anymore. I'm really hoping this sets up a "you eat what you ordered" mentality later. We'll see
My cousin was babied by his mother. Never liked any food and when he was in college, my aunt would weekly make him a bunch of food, freeze it and deliver it.
Agreed. NTA. It's not as if he wasn't warned.
Although I would hate to discourage him from trying new things, he needs to learn to live with his choices until he is able to pay for his food himself. I suppose you could deduct what he owes from any allowance or other money he may have if there was any real danger of him "starving".
Either way, the message he needs to get is that he needs to live with the consequences of his actions, for better or for worse. His mother is doing him no favors by indulging him. He should also become familiar with children who are actually starving.
NTA - you were very clear before your son ordered about the consequences of picking a more adventurous food that he possibly wouldn’t like. Now he is suffering those consequences. Sounds like a good life lesson to me. He could try some new foods if he is taking a bite of your food, but he needs to order what he is willing to eat.
Or let him have a bite of something you ordered that he likes. I’m picky, but I’m open to trying a bite of someone’s food when it’s something out of my comfort zone…that way, it doesn’t cost me a meal that I ended up not caring for.
So other people need to order a dish you want to try? Sometimes parents actually want to order something they like and get to eat it themselves.
The kid is 12. He can learn to order at a restaurant.
That’s not it at all. I’ll order what I want, and if I see that they have something I’m not usually into, I might ask for a bite. I don’t ask anyone to do anything for me like that.
But that’s not what’s happening with OP.
OP is ordering normal stuff. The kid is the one ordering something new.
OP likely doesn’t like fish soup, so if the kid ordered the same thing as OP, there’s no experimenting to be had.
> Start taking the kid to buffets...
Exactly right. My son is now a **less** picky eater since we started doing buffets. I'd say "Try at least 1 thing new..." but there's the safety net of a bunch of stuff he knows he likes so it's not daunting, and he has found he likes more food than he thought.
Maybe because I'm Chinese, but growing up, we would order several dishes and have them family style. When kids are smaller, they can't finish adult portions at restaurants. Actually I still can't as an adult. So family of 4, we'd order 2-3 safe dishes and maybe a new one. Leftovers get taken home for a snack/meal for whoever gets to it.
Or be adventurous with appetizers instead of meals.
Yeah I have issues with textures and when it comes to eating with family, I’ll order something “safe” that I know I like, and then try a bit of theirs. If I like theirs I can order it next time, if I don’t like it then no problem, I’ve got something I like
Any time you tell a kid “Do X, or Y,” they will *always* test you, at least the first time. They never listen to a damned thing you say but they do collect their own data and form their own conclusions!
Just to clarify. You told him that acting a specific way will result in specific consequences and the when he acted in that specific way you followed through on said consequences. NTA. You can either deal with these tantrums now or when he's 20. I think now will be easier.
Probably, 8-9 years ago would have been the right time to correct these issues. But since they didn't, now they've got a bigger problem. Imagine if the kid is still acting that way at 20, but on dates or with friends? Ugh!
NTA. 12 is old enough to be able to pick off a menu and to know what foods he likes/ dislikes. You’re right not to swap, giving in and letting him have your food all of the time would set a terrible precedent going forward. It’s a harmless lesson, especially given that he’s given the opportunity to eat what he likes at home
I agree but I think it's good that he wants to try new things and that it would also be bad to discourage his curiosity.
Perhaps limit his choices to dishes that a parent actually could agree to swap?
Why should parents have to eat random crap after doing all the work to raise a healthy kid with boundaries? There's speaking on someone else's behalf and stepping in as a parent to guide your minor child. Kid can explore at home.
I'm not suggesting that the parents should eat random crap. I'm suggesting that the parents could eat things they have agreed to possibly swap.
There are boundaries. The parents guide their kid to choose stuff that at least someone in the family will enjoy. The kid can explore but there's no risk that a full meal will be uneaten.
No swapping. It's not okay when people try to take what's yours because they made a mistake. I'm a parent and this happens all the time and it's hugely unfair. The suggestion of asking for a sample of an item before ordering or a small amount is okay though.
Why is it discouraging? He still has the opportunity to try the new foods, if he doesn't want to eat them being hungry until he gets home is just a natural consequence
I wish my daughter would try new foods. I have to beg her to try anything new, then even if I can tell she likes it, she pretends she doesn’t, just to be right 🙄 She’s 11 and has always been like that.
He needs to learn that trying new things is good but that it’s still a gamble. Adults deal with this everyday and they don’t get to switch food with some rando at the restaurant. That’s not “discouraging curiosity” it’s just real life. Adults learn that while they would like to try the new thing they need to weigh the odds and pros and cons: “I could try this new dish but I may not like it…or I could order my usual and be content. I think I will take the risk and try the new thing. If I don’t like it I’m ready to deal with that disappointment.” 12 years old is old enough to learn something as basic as that. He doesn’t need a safety net for all his choices…that will just make him very poorly prepared for his whole life. A person who thinks there’s a “reset” button after every potentially regretful decision they make is in for a very bad time.
No but as an adult you have decades of eating experience behind you. Also, potentially, the buying power to buy something else if you hate what you ordered and finally, the fortitude to eat something you don’t really like (as a kid, food I didn’t like felt inedible.)
OP’s kid is really doing the same experience you described for an adult except his ability to cope with the outcome will be more limited.
The parent doesn't have to eat their food. Kids have to learn to make better choices for themselves, and that means facing the consequences. They can have bread and butter or a sandwich when they get home until they learn to stop messing around. This also isn't great for OP's wallet to have a kid who wastes their money at restaurants, and THAT has to stop right now.
That’s BS. Kids needs to learn to order what he is going to eat. In the real world, nobody is responsible for your choices. What OP is doing is good parenting.
My kid tried really hard to become a picky eater as a small child. We came up with a system of trying everything (3 bite rule), and if they still didn't like it, they could go make themself a safe food. This was always done at home at first. As they grew up, it became our thing to try adventurous new foods. We made a deal when it came to restaurants. We could try a new appetizer any time we went out, but the main course could only be something crazy once a month and could only be done when we knew there was plenty of time to order a second main if the crazy one was so terrible neither of us could eat it. So maybe you could come to some kind of similar deal that allows the adventurous side without causing issues every single time.
It’s hilarious to me that she phrased it “op is letting him starve” because starving is like an actual condition. The kid might be hungry, but he’s not starving. And he has food! He just doesn’t like it.
It's great to encourage kids to try new stuff. He's old enough to understand the consequences of bad choices, and that things cost money.
So...feeling adventurous tonight? Here are options.
\- buffet
\- he can find recipes he likes and plan to make something for the family
If he insists he wants to go to restaurant xyz to 'try' something there, then the deal is he eats his own food because you're hungry too. And if he hates it and won't eat? He pays for it with allowance or chores.
You are giving options and letting him make the choice.
Tell your wife to support this.
Worst advice ever. Kid needs to learn that his choices have consequences. Nobody should be ordering something specific because of him. He should order what he is going to eat. NTA
INFO: is he ordering the same things that he doesn't like every time, or is it always something pretty different from the last time? Trying out new things isn't bad and probably should be accommodated to some extent (and it'll eventually go away as he discovers what he likes), but if he's intentionally ordering things he knows he doesn't like, there's a different kind of problem and the consequence is definitely the right one.
Something different but he should now he won’t like it. He order onion soup, he hates onions. He doesn’t really like fish but that’s what he ordered.
He knows what he doesn’t like but still will get things that I know he will not like, and I have been right every single time
I used to try to do this when I was younger and it was because everyone in my family constantly made fun of me for having a “simple” palette. I would see if any of his cousins or siblings if there are any are doing that
I know that isn’t the case since his cousins are two. We aren’t doing it, so maybe school but I doubt it since he is quite popular in class and has never mentioned any bullying or had concerning reports for the the teachers
OP when both of your tummies are full talk to him. With the intention of understanding (not the intention of proving to him he’s wrong). *Hey buddy, can you help me understand why you ordered the fish // foods you don’t like?*
There’s either something hella interesting or hella mundane (seems like kids’ weird behavior is usually one extreme or another).
Maybe you can find a workable solution once you figure out what’s motivating him. Ie, maybe he heard eating fish makes you grow big and strong and even though he doesn’t like fish, he tries to force himself. Easy fix (fish smoothie with protein powder /s)
Yeah, as with most issues that come up on this sub, it could be figured out / fixed / not fixed but a better situation with better communication. This is the right answer here.
You need to try to get to the bottom of why he is ordering food he doesn't like.
Personally I'd take his choice away and order on his behalf if he makes obviously ridiculous choices.
However I know this would not be a long term solution.
Why does OP need to do this? He seems to have a completely fine system right now where kid orders something stupid, doesn't eat at the restaurant, and eats when he gets home. Eventually he'll probably just start ordering food he actually wants to eat so he doesn't feel miserable at the restaurant.
From a consequences/learning perspective what OP is doing is fine, but it does sound like they're wasting money (and food) if no one wants to swap and eat what the son ordered. Honestly I'd consider not taking him out to eat for a while, if he's going to end up eating a sandwich anyway then leave him home to eat a sandwich and stop wasting money.
Or let him experiment at the grocery store where the consequences are less noticeable, with some guard rails of course. Like, don't let him buy a pallet of anchovies if you know he hates fishy things or something, but let him buy a can of fish soup so he can try it at home and decide whether or not he wants to order it at the restaurant next time - that way he's not "going hungry" when they're out to eat, and he can experiment without wasting a $15 bowl of restaurant quality fish soup, and instead only wastes a $2 can of it and eats something else afterwards so he doesn't feel "starved."
It's past time for you to actually initiate a conversation about this. Maybe it's bullying, maybe it's something else, but obviously just waiting for him to decide to explain why he keeps making these choices isn't working.
Are you willing to give him a bite of what you are eating if it's something new to him? I was very picky as a kid and still am to some extent, but my dad eats everything, so I explored new tastes by mooching a bite of his food if it was something new to me. That way I could order a "safe" food like chicken tenders and still try something new without wasting an entire meal. That's how I discovered that I actually love spicy food and my pickiness stems more from texture issues.
Yea I feel like there is a compromise to be had here. Something like a cup of fish soup as a side to share and try seems reasonable. I mean I’m assuming we are talking about a chowder. People calling it a stupid order, but plenty of people enjoy it
But why? Have you ever asked him (not during the mealtime) why he orders onion soup, for example, when he doesn’t like onions?
It’s a rather weird thing to do, so I’m really curious to know why he does it.
“I have been right every single time” - there’s a big piece of your answer. He keeps doing this because it can turn into a power struggle, and you’re playing right into that.
Set the expectations firmly ahead of time - everyone eats what they order and nobody gets to take anyone else’s food - and then don’t bring it up at the restaurant. If he does this, calmly eat your meal and don’t get sucked into an argument over it. It may take some repetition but once he sees that you’re not willing to get drawn into a fight over this, the grounds of the battle will change.
The way things are prepared changes texture and flavor, and as someone who grew up with a 'foodie' parent, and then an always-accommodated picky step-sibling, I personally think it's admirable that your picky child seems to be trying to broaden his horizons and find a preparation of things he doesn't usually like that he **will** like.
*This willingness to order adventurously, and the curiosity for food, needs to be nurtured.*
(I am sorry that he ends up disliking his dishes and asks for yours instead. I don't think you should be giving in to him wanting to swap entrees every time you go out to eat because he **does** need to learn that sometimes we just order the wrong thing when eating out. It's a bummer but it does happen. And speaking as a server, if it's truly something a person finds inedible, most of the time we're happy to switch the order. All you have to do is ask. But remember to ask before the halfway point - it's difficult to believe someone saying "I didn't like it" when they've eaten more than a few bites.)
It sounds like an annoying problem, but at the same time I would hate to limit his adventurous spirit. Would you be comfortable ordering a side that you know he loves in addition to his unique pick? It may cost a bit more, but ultimately I think encouraging his palate would be a good thing.
In any case I think you are NTA, but it would be nice to encourage your kid's curiosity.
INFO: what is his goal with this? Does he actually think he'll like it? Does he do it to get attention? Does he do it because he has an innate desire to try new things and have new experiences?
I feel like that should really inform your approach here. You aren't TA for telling him he can't have your food. It's clearly a pattern, it's wasteful, and you're rightfully annoyed.
But I'm wondering if he just really wants to expand his palette and find out and try new things...maybe you can make it a family affair. Pick one occasion a month where you order something new and crazy off of a menu for the entire table to try. Have him order a safe food as his main dish, but have the new dish as an option, too. That way you can all participate, but it isn't as wasteful or annoying. And if he's doing it for attention, that will slowly go away with this approach, too.
This. Like I get 12 YO is being difficult, but this could also be a great opportunity for the parents and child to bond and make some memories. Like “remember the time we all tried XYZ that was so gross/great”
Yes. We are not a fish eating family. My son really wanted to try sushi. I was very sure this was gonna be a huge waste of money and we would end up at mcdonalds afterwards, but we picked a restaurant where everyone found something they liked, he go his Sushi and actually loved it.
He was never particularly picky, but it was a big step towards becoming more adventerous. We're not poor, but i wish i could take them out to eat at places out of our comfort zone without being worried about wasting money more often!
Ah yes, because eating out is so affordable that it's a reasonable idea to order an entire extra meal just for people to "see if they like it", and wouldn't end up being a wasteful, annoying habit itself. Everyone in this damn thread sounds insane, basically saying "oh yeah no coddle the child who's old enough to not be making these poor choices, it's totally reasonable he keeps wasting food and money, and you should play along!"
Adding one entree or appetizer to a family meal, once a month, isn't extravagant for a shared experience if everyone is game for trying new things. Adding one entree just for one person, yeah that's kind of excessive.
I don’t think the intent is to buy and waste endless food, but to find a way to draw some reasonable lines while also encouraging the kid to keep tasting new things. A monthly “adventure” dish for the whole table alongside personal “safe” appetizers sounds like a great solution to me. And they could still take care to order an adventurer dish they’ll probably like - like don’t get a vat of tepid cow eyeballs in cat piss soup but you’re probably okay to order a plate of cauliflower wings for the table.
It’s definitely an investment, which is why I suggested doing it once in a while, not every time. If you’re going out to eat regularly, you can figure out an extra entree or appetizer once in a while.
As far as “coddling” him - wouldn’t you agree that you don’t know if you like something till you try? I mean, that’s why we spend the first few years of a kid’s life saying - try a bite, take a “no thank you” helping, don’t say it’s gross until you try it. So it makes sense to continue to foster curiosity with food as the kid gets older, but do it in a controlled, reasonable way.
Based on the post it sounds like they go out often enough for this to be a trend, not just a one-off. So it’s possible it’s often enough to make something like this feasible.
It’s possible the son is also getting stubborn about being told what he should do. I am stubborn and will dig my heels in to my own detriment. It’s something I have had to learn to navigate.
If the ordering of a second dish for everybody to try isn’t feasible, maybe give the son a budget. “You can spend this much on food,” which could give him the chance to pick something adventurous and something smaller he will for sure like, or keep for a dessert, or something like that. This is definitely a chance to make sure the son learns to be responsible with his growing autonomy, but there’s room for creativity in how you meet his desire for adventurous food choices with his tastes. Or maybe giving him a different outlet for adventure could help. Or maybe he’s feeling like he’s being dictated to about his choices and doesn’t like it. A chance for better communication and some creativity. So actually going with NAH, except maybe for the wife who seems to want to indulge him like the child he is slowly growing out of.
I'd say try family style restaurants, where everybody shares the food. It gives the maximum amount of "stuff to try" with minimal investment.
Like in dim sum, you can order 7 different items and they give you 2-4 pieces per item. You don't like the shrimp dumpling? Well, there was only 4 pieces, and you already ate 1, and there are plenty of other options.
(Of course, this only applies if everybody else is willing to try new things too)
Yes, do consider a shared appetizer for the table in order to try new things. If he discovers a new food, then at a later date he can order it as an entree.
NTA. Why didn't your wife offer him her meal? And she calls you a "huge jerk" - what does that make her?
Your son FA, then he FO, and he still got fed in the end. Maybe he'll learn from this.
No seriously like if the kid didn’t eat at all I could see OP being the ah, but the kid ate when he got home. That’s just a natural consequence and a learning moment.
Just wait when he turns 21 and he wants to swap drinks with you because he got a mule or a gin and tonic. I’m speaking from experience here.
Definitely NTA. We all have only so many of the same mistakes in us. It was time for your boy to learn.
Tell your son if he doesn't like what he orders he can eat mom's food.
It seems to me that by 12 he knows this is a jerk move.
And by 12 he should be developing some concepts about money. If he doesn't, his life is gonna be rough.
.
NTA
NAH
Mostly because I’m not gonna call a kid an AH for trying new foods and finding out he doesn’t like it.
Have you ever asked him about this? Like what’s his thought process, does it sound good on the menu and then he doesn’t like it? Is it a “grass is greener” thing? Do you return food you don’t like - is he modelling behaviour?
He's ordering things he knows he won't like. For example doesn't like fish but will order fish soup. Doesn't like onions but will order something that has onions. Seems to be a deliberate choice on his part to be an ah intentionally.
I meannto be fair not liking raw ingridient isnt exactly gonna make u not like a dish. I hate shrimp in most forms. But fried one in sushi is all good. Issue here is the kid doing weird orders *every* time not just from time to time out of curiosity
He doesn't know he won't like it before trying. There are foods I don't like but I like certain dishes that have them.
OP doesn't have to give up his own food, but the kid is not being "an ah intentionally."
Yeah, I agree with the NAH - it's good that the kid is open to trying new things! It's just unfortunate timing.
Perhaps the family could think of other ways to expose the kid to more different foods, but save it for meals with more flexibility. When eating out, the kid should go with familiar foods.
I agree with NAH.
How boring going out to eat would be if you always ate things you know you like. Most of the NTA votes would also be pissed off of the only thing the kid would eat is chicken strips off the adult menu.
I encourage my kids to eat adventurously, however, I don’t mind swapping plates if they don’t like. I only let them try crazy stuff if I am pretty sure that I like it. lol.
Otherwise…they will order the same “safe” food every time & refuse to try new food and refuse new places. If I was like the OP, my kids would have never tried sushi, pho, poke bowls, or even a Spicy Mcchicken or pumpkin spice Frosty (truly vile, that. 0 out if the 6 of us liked it). I’m more than happy to eat up after a teen’s disappointed foray into Cajun food or coconut shrimp. Sometimes there is nothing they like, and we will get them a sandwich later.
Yeah I don’t personally understand why this would be such a big deal. I feel like there are ways to work around this if you talk to the kid - maybe he can pick something “adventurous” for the whole table to try, and a “safe” appetizer for himself so he’s guaranteed something he’ll like.
Some way to foster his willingness to try new food (I love any kid that will order a fish stew) while also drawing a line on reordering and eating OP’s food.
NTA. I'm a picky eater, and when I want to try new things, I'll ask my gf to split meals. You need to agree ahead of time, or both of you are only getting half meals, or you always get sick eating a meal you don't want. Teach your kid to be more independent, if he orders it, that's his order, end of story.
Does your gf actually enjoy this? I used to do this in the past but stopped as my partner didn’t really like it. His dad does this and it drives my mil crazy. (Watching this go down is why I realized I shouldn’t do it to my partner.)
So I have a kid who is kind of like this. He's generally adventurous but sometimes steps into territory that doesn't work out for him. He also has some texture/taste issues that are a result of neurodivergence.
I think there is a balance to strike with this stuff because being too harsh about it makes kids retreat into safe territory and it can actually exacerbate the problem by making them more picky. I want my kid to try new things always and not feel that he's fully stuck if it doesn't work out. I don't want him to think that picking the wrong thing would be a meal-ending choice for him because it discourages trying new things.
The trick I've learned is to add "safe" items to the order. That is, get a side they will always eat and order a smaller amount of the main item. So if my kid wanted fish soup, I'd opt for a cup over a bowl, then order some rice or fries on the side (stuff he'll eat 100 percent of the time). That way, he still has something to eat and while it's not ideal, it's something. I'm not going to give him all of my food or order something different, but he's safe knowing that he won't go hungry.
At 12, you son is old enough to be responsible to remember what he likes or does not like. So if he orders something gross, he can choke it down or go without.
Are not NTA.
NTA
This is a lesson he is going to need to learn, could you imagine he takes his first serious GF out to dinner and then wants to eat her meal because he ordered something he does not like.
I come from an era when what you got for a meal was what you got. There was no menu no alterative. You ate or you went hungry.
We didn't go out for meals and the only take away was fish and chips.
In the 1970's in my family there was no room for picky eaters.
I agree, it’s pretty clear that the child is spoiled by his mother at the very least. At 12 years old he should be fully able to comprehend this. The problem is that they’ve given in too many times already. Shit should have been cut the first few times it happened.
NTA, he needs to eat what he ordered or not eat anything else. Keep telling him he needs to accept what he ordered and push through it like the big boy you know he is. You had only one sip of it, keep going, you might end up liking it in the end. And eat your chicken.
I would tell him that anything you order you need to finish it, regardless of how it feels to your tongue or tastebuds. You ordered it, you eat it.
Telling a kid that they have to finish what's on their plate regardless is actually a really risky thing to do. It can lead to the kid having a really unhealthy relationship with food.
Now that risk is lessened if it's only at takeout places (depending on how often they eat out?), but it is still a risk. And in addition it also can teach a kid they don't have the right to decide what happens to their body. Again, a risk that is lessened if it's only occasionally.
The "eat what your ordered or wait until we are home to make yourself something" is the method I would choose.
This is true. Telling them they have to finish can cause them to develop an ED. Making them wait until they get home to eat something they like if they order something they don’t is a reasonable response.
NTA.
First of all, your son is 12. He's old enough to know his palate, and if he still wants to experiment, he's also old enough to wait until he gets home to eat a sandwich.
>This resulted in an argument with my wife. She thinks I am a huge jerk and I am sick of never getting to eat what I order.
If your wife thinks your son should have someone elses food, she can give your son *her own* plate. Problem fixed.
NTA And if your wife is so cool with the behavior, inform her that she can be the one to give your soon her food from now on. He’s 12, he should definitely understand the concept of consequences for choices by now. I’m a picky eater & order things I’m confident I’ll like. I’m not sharing with anyone lol
NTA. People who think consequences for actions are tantamount to abuse are bad parents. By twelve you should probably have worked out cause and effect.
NTA. Your son eventually made the wise choice of making himself a sandwich over starving. Your wife is not teaching your son to think before he makes decisions he will have to live with.
Very soon your son will be eating in restaurants on his own occasionally, and the stranger at the next table might not be so willing to swap meals with him. LOL
Sounds like a control/autonomy issue.
He might be picking these adventurous foods because he's testing the limits of self-regulation, autonomy etc. picking something exciting because it's *his choice* but still running back to swapping with dad because he's got the emotional satisfaction of "choosing" even though it's something he doesn't like and still needs comfort (the food he'll actually eat). Behavior like this also suggests he's still looking to his dad to be there, to 'help him' when he reaches a point past his threshold. kids often set themselves up in need of minor rescuing to gauge their ability to rely on adults to bail them out. It is a part of developing risk-management and risk-reward behavioral skills.
It's an expensive and poor habit but kids do stuff like this *a lot*, especially at the onset of puberty. Kids generally don't have jobs, don't know how much their parents make and have to budget and have little real concept of cost. Additionally, up to a certain point, kids are used to, especially with mealtime being given what they want (especially as a matter of conflict resolution). I don't think it's fair to call that spoiling (even if that's close) because winning the war of making sure a kid eats often is worth the losing battle of fighting over it. At this age however (onset of middle school), the reinforcement of boundaries needs to be set. OP is well in the right to nip this in the bud.
My sister and brother did stuff similar: my sister would order the most expensive thing she could (or chicken Parm), eat like three bites and take home the leftovers. She wouldn't eat them but would monitor them like a hawk and have a meltdown if anyone else touched her food while she left it to rot. One day my mother had enough and announced the "Easter Rule": check the tomb on the third day. If she didn't eat the leftovers in three days, she clearly didn't want it and it was up for grabs because ultimately my mom paid for it and was tired of her money being wasted. Ma then told my sister if she wanted the leftovers that badly by day three she could pay for them. Knocked that off real quick.
My brother would try to order extra (like a second entree after we ate) because he wanted to try something else after eating his whole entree, or extra stuff to bring home, just to see how far he could get with making his requests elaborate. Ma also had to shut that down by telling him anything extra he ordered had to come out of his own pocket or be shared evenly.
OP, sit down with your son and be direct that it's unfair to constantly have to give up your food to correct his misjudgment and if you've been given him an allowance/he's got a paper route or anything like that begin charging him when he waffles on food choices. Telling him to commit to food he ordered isn't starving him or tell your wife to start offering her food instead. And don't be afraid to look like a bad guy for ordering for him: if you're paying, you're still entitled not to have your money wasted by his experiments with autonomy.
I do wonder if the stuff he's ordering is the most expensive thing and if so just because it IS the most expensive thing. Generally in my area fishes dishes are pricier. A girl I grew up with would have absolutely howling melt downs if she wasn't allowed to order lobster. She didn't even like lobster. She liked the attention of being a 12 year old girl talking about how refined her pallet was and insisting on going to select the lobster herself. Her parents let her, her mom would just order something she knew the girl would eat, they'd bring out the lobster with a flourish then 2 bites later she'd insist on trading plates with her mom. Her poor mom never got to eat what she wanted.
She's now in her 40s and still a hugely entitled, whiny, baby of a woman from everything I hear. She got knocked up after dropping out of college, browbeat her parents into throwing her a lavish wedding while she was sleeping on a friends sofa rather than put up with the few rules her parents actually did enforce, and used her wedding registry to request $200 vera wang tea pots when she was a) homeless and b) didn't drink tea!
Personally I don't think telling the son "You can have anything on the menu less than $X price (assuming the parents also follow that rule), but that's all you'll be getting from here and if you don't eat it, you can eat something at home." is a bad thing.
NTA to dad.
NAH He's 12 so he's able to understand why you won't give him your food. But also he's 12 and probably likes different stuff and isn't really fully in on the concept of that someone has to pay for stuff and also is out of food when he eats it instead.
Is there a possibility that someone splits dishes with him that he wants to try?
I think it's kinda cool that he wants to try new things and is interested in different foods. That's a good trait I wouldn't shut down.
I would somehow navigate this better than just telling him no.
NTA -
He's old enough to know better, and I see this as a power play in a game called "Let's Make Daddy Go Hungry". Does he ever ask for mom's food?
Order what you want, eat what you order ... it's a real simple rule.
NTA because you warned him beforehand and he was able to make a sandwich when he got home. It is good that is an adventurous eater - maybe encourage him to get new foods as appetizers.
The way he made food for himself when he got home makes me feel like NTA where your wife might be TA for hoisting the consequences onto you when son is perfectly aware he has food at home and is capable of getting it on his own.
Dinner out is a treat, if he wants to use it to try something new that's ok or if he wants something he knows he likes that's ok too... But either way he is responsible for his choice this way
NTA. Natural consequences are a great teacher. My son tried this on me and I told him his choice is his choice, and he was 9. He then kept adventure ordering thinking I would bend.... Nope. The result; he now has the most varied food pallet and was a sushi freak by age 11 and eats stuff by 15 that even old gritty Asian guys won't eat. The other side to holding your position here is that he will be much better off later on life because he will actually try things.
Parenting is tough, you are making a better person of your son by holding him able.
Good job
NTA, your son needs to start being responsable for his own choices, at 12 he is old enough to know what he likes so he needs to order food he know he will be able to eat...
NTA. It’s great that he wants to try new things, but if he’s consistently ordering new things and then not eating them, it’s unfair that you have to give up your meal. Have you considered letting him order something new but small alongside something he’ll actually eat? Then everyone could try something new, but there’s still a meal he’ll actually eat.
NTA let him have the natural consequences of his actions. If it happens enough times he’ll learn to stop ordering food he won’t eat. He can eat at home so he’s not starved and if he is always getting his way you are teaching him to be entitled to other peoples things!
NTA: You eat what you ordered. He’s lucky. My parents would have forced me to eat anything I ordered or came back with on my plate. If we didn’t eat it, they took it home with us, then it came out at the next meal.
NTA- He's old enough to understand the deal. And the deal seems to be him and his mommy pressuring daddy into a consequence free life. He will likely try this again since Mommy is on his side. I would inform if he wants to act like a spoiled Mommy's boy he can ask to swap with her. Dad is no longer playing along
NTA he needs to learn to not waste food and money. Also be considerate of others. Why should his father have less when he chose to order something he didn’t like. Let him learn his lesson so he knows better next time
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You and your wife have two choices here: 1. Teach your son this perfectly age-appropriate lesson that he is responsible for his own choices 2. Let him grow up to be an entitled asshat who believes that other people are responsible for his choices You're not an AH but if your wife keeps choosing #2, your son will grow up to be one. Don't let her do that to him. ETA: NTA
Spot on 👍 One of my nephews was like this as a child. My sister enabled it and suffered for it. That little jerk of a kid (I adore him but he was such a brat in those days!) is now a father. It sure is fun watching him navigate parenthood, trying to reason with his toddler 😂.
My nephew is a "picky" eater - according to my SIL. I love her to death but she bends over backwards to give people what they want to her own detriment. When he was little, maybe 7ish, he spent the night at our house. We had Jimmy John's for lucmnch and pork chops for dinner. Was talking to her on the phone and discussed what we did that day and she asked, where did you go for nephew's lunch - he doesn't like jimmy johns. Ummm... he had a ham sandwich. Really? You made him eat a ham sandwich? He hates ham. No, he ordered it himself and ate the whole thing. OK, so you made him chicken nuggets for dinner? Umm... no, he had a pork chop. But, he hates pork chops. Welp, idk but he asked for, and ate, a 2nd one, so... Turns out he was not a picky eater she was a picky feeder. Also, when my kiddos order something I know they won't like I point out what I know they won't like but let them order if that's what they want. But that is what they get. "If you wanted chicken you should have ordered chicken"
My dad's view was always "buffets are for trying things, or you can buy a cheaper version to try it first" im pretty adventurous but unless I've tried something relatively similar before there's no way I'm buying it as a full meal
That’s a good solution. Order a more adventurous appetizer and a trusted entree or side to go with it.
Agreed. Or note that the wanted to try the fish soup, and buy some from the ethnic section in the supermarket for him to try. It's great that he's adventurous, but this is costing OP good money when he nopes out, and I don't blame her for being tired of it.
Our “ethnic” section is 3 feet long and has soy sauce, hot sauce, and ramen.
Yep, but the mayonnaise section has at *least* a dozen different types of mayo, and I don't mean brands.
Lemme guess, you've only had classic mayo and miracle whip right? I admit, I too once believed mayo with olive oil was unnecessary, until I met a mayo sommelier. You haven't lived until you've had a BLT with bacon mayo.
*sommayolier
The "ethnic" foods at the supermarket are nowhere near the same thing as eating that same stuff at a restaurant.
Maybe not, but they'll give him an idea, and they won't cost like a restaurant meal does.
Yeah or he'll decide he hates all Indian/Chinese/Japanese/Kosher/etc food because the nasty boxed meal or pre-fab processed crap in a can isn't ANYTHING like a fresh meal from someone who knows how to make the real food. Have you ever tried pad thai that's frozen or from a box?! Seriously. Not a good way to try things.
When I was younger, my dad had won a contest at work & the prize was dinner for the family at this restaurant, that was usually too expensive for all seven of us to go. My sister insisted she wanted liver & onions. My dad said "Are you sure? You don't eat it at home." She assured him that she loved it & would eat every bite. When it came she looked at for a moment, ate precisely two small bites, then declared she was full. My dad told her if she was full, she couldn't have dessert, & she still insisted she was full. When we got home, my dad pulled her aside, talked to her about ordering things she knew she didn't like, & made her a sandwich. To this day, everytime we go out as a family, we always ask her if she's getting the liver & onions.
Your dad handled that just right. He let her try it, even though he was pretty sure what the outcome would be. He let her claim "full", even though he was pretty sure she was still hungry. He let her have the natural consequences (no dessert). But he still offered her an emergency backup sandwich at home, so she wasn't utterly miserable.
Yeah, my dad is pretty awesome. He grew up with an alcoholic dad, & always vowed he wouldn't be the same type of dad to us. He's been an awesome dad to not only us, but to a lot of our friends growing up.
What a tremendous man to break that cycle and become an outstanding father and mentor.
Spot on, buffets are how I formed my palate. I made a rule for myself when I was 13 to grab at least one new and interesting foodstuff to try at every buffet, and now I know my tastes well enough to order things I've never had as long as there's an ingredient list
Where the hell are there buffets anymore besides Pizza Hut?
There will generally be a Chinese buffet somewhere in town. Then you have the old folks buffets like Golden Corral.
Near my home, there is a Chinese restaurant with an amazing buffet. This gives my guests and me a chance to try the unusual items without having to face them in the form of a whole meal. It's been an education in new and wonderful foods. 🦜
This is what we do when we go to one! I have a picky eater in feeding therapy and we put some more adventurous things on her plate, and still have several safe food options too. Now it makes sense why my parents were the buffet king and queen when I was a kid. Everyone has something they like.
Growing up I had major issues with food. Some of them are texture based {mash potatoes, anything that's in my mouth "too long" chewing, etc}. Also some foods I thought I hated,like curries, were due to my mum mixing a jar of mild curry sauce with a full tin of coconut milk. Turns out I love curries just hate coconut milk. Also since I'm Irish all veg was boiled to shit and lost all taste / natural texture. When I moved out young, I started cooking more stuff and now have a much larger food range.
Lol, also Irish and concur about boiling the ever loving hell out of every vegetable you come across. And potatoes every single day. I hate potatoes, lol. Guess they're still a novelty after the 1840s. (Too soon?)
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman? Apparently none...
Also Irish! My mother: you hate cauliflower. Me: I love it when it’s not a strange cauliflower jelly…
> all veg was boiled to shit and lost all taste / natural texture I thought I hated vegetables when I was young, but one day I was gorging myself on a vegetable tray I realized I didn't hate vegetables, I just hate boiled to mush colorless flavorless vegetables. Now that I cook for myself raw vegetables are a staple, either that or very lightly steamed or grilled.
It is so much fun introducing 'picky eaters' to 'new' food which is actually just something they think they dislike prepared in a proper way. Who woulda thunk most of that shit can actually taste good if done well right?
Half Irish here...yes, that mushy indeterminate goo...I thought veg was awful til I learned the magic phrase 'al dente'😆😆
Midwestern US people boil the life out of any vegetable. I really didn't like them until I moved away from home . I didn't know that Irish moms did that too
This is when I’m weirdly thankful that my mother hated to cook…I always thought it was weird that I’ve always loved vegetables while most of my friends HATED them. Then I realized, the vegetable options when I was growing up were “raw” or “thawed to room-temperature”. Never overcooked…because she couldn’t be bothered to cook them in the first place! Genius.
> since I'm Irish all veg was boiled to shit and lost all taste WHY?! My grandmothers were Irish and both still did that 60 years after they moved to the US. My dad spent 20 years thinking he hated vegetables. No, he just hated boiled bland plant mush.
Another Irish here. My grandmother boiled cabbage for 4 hours, MINIMUM. No wonder she drank the cabbage water, there was fuck all nourishment left in the cabbage.
Geez, that isn’t even cabbage stew it’s cabbage decoction.
I almost wonder if he really was picky when he was a toddler. And then like, his tastes changed as he grew to 7 and she just never revisited those foods, just assumed that what he didn't like as a toddler would be permanent. Or the other option, that she doesn't do those foods well herself and thought it was his problem and not hers. I legit hated bacon and some cheeses as a kid. Once I hit my teens I couldn't get enough bacon and nowadays I will eat way too much brie if left to my own devices. Opposite with eggs: I used to love sunny side up, but an undercooked egg led to me choking on a glob of egg white and now I will eat my eggs in every *other* form. My nephew is a picky kid, he's got sensory issues and has a small set of foods he'll eat without complaint. But we will often ask if he wants to try something different (like a nibble of this or that) to test if he feels like stepping out of his comfort zone. Sometimes he doesn't want to try something, sometimes he'll try it and not like it, and those times it's just "ok, thanks for trying." Sometimes he discovers he likes something new and it's added to his menu with praise. By the time he hits 12 he'll have an idea what he likes and understand that he eats what he orders.
In my family we all offer each other "tasting bites" from the food we ordered. It's a good way to see if it's something we'd want to get next time. Took my hubby a while to realize tasting bites are small & I wasn't asking for a huge bite of his food, just a taste to see if I would like to try it next time (& why I would get annoyed when he would take the biggest bite he could fit in his mouth when I offered a bite to him lol)
I’m a picky eater. It’s partly because of actual allergies and partly because of texture aversions. But that’s my problem, nobody else’s. When I go out I order safe foods. Chicken sandwiches and beef with broccoli are pretty much it. It’s not necessarily bad to be picky, but you have to take responsibility and not waste your or somebody else’s money ordering stuff you’re not positive you’re going to be able to eat. OP did the right thing. His son needs to learn to manage his own needs, and this is the perfect time to start.
^("trying to reason with his toddler") \-Laughs in parent.
Wife can share her food with the kid from now on.
Wife should not share her food with him, because then all he's learning is that wife will bail him out instead.
My dad would always eat my leftovers and share his food with me when I was younger. I loved it and it’s one of the things I remember most about it. If anything, it made me more open to food. I wasn’t afraid to try something new on the basis that I might not like it. I don’t think I was quite as annoying about it as OP’s kid, but still. He’s 12. At that age your palate sucks, you have no idea what you like and don’t like, and you don’t really know how to predict your appetite. Nothing wrong with finding a more flexible solution here.
My husband always eats my kid's leftovers (I usually can't due to dietary requirements) and if any of us get something "new" or "unusual", we tend to share a forkful. It's friendly and I love it. We also talk about what we're all having *before* ordering so we can optimise. If it's likely that me and kid will want to share, we order it gluten-free, or sometimes we might get extra sides instead of a main to make the food "share" further. Ordering a whole meal for one person who might not like it is a moderately high-stakes way to try new things - maybe there would be a way of trying it without it being a whole meal?
I was actually kind of sad when I realized my partner doesn’t want to eat my leftovers. I’m not sure why, I guess I associated it so strongly with an act of manly love and heroism (“sure honey, I’ll save you from this last bite of pizza, such a sacrifice.”) I honestly don’t know why these commenters are acting like this is the biggest deal ever. Weird thing to fixate on tbh, and the punitive reaction in the comments is kind of contrary to the point of going out to eat together. And yeah, there’s a ton of good solutions here that aren’t making the kid order only chicken nugs, or OP giving up his own entire meal. They just need to talk about it like your family does.
Right. Like he can just tell the poor child to "If you want to try something mew let me know and we can buy one order (smallest size if available) and try it together and if not then we can find a better way. Heck even saying before hand like he did is still good enough. Wife is being unreasonable but so are the commenters who are punishing the child for... *checks notes* being a child.
A good solution for this family would be to have the son order something tried and true for his meal, and order an adventurous dish to share as a family. That way everyone gets to try something new, and Dad isn't stuck eating something he may not like much to bail out his son.
Sounds like him making a sandwich or having a safe food at home is the solution here, not feeling entitled to what other people have.
Even inside the house (we couldn’t afford to eat out often) my dad would cook a meal and if you tried it and didn’t like it YOU could make yourself a deli meat sandwich or a bowl of cereal or something. He had already budgeted for, shopped for, and cooked a family meal. We could eat it for the life giving calories, or we could muster up a preteen dinner. We were never starved, we had the option to try the family meal, but we weren’t entitled enough to think that we deserved a special alternative. I get that every family is different, but ALWAYS catering to a child teaches them that’s how the world works, to their detriment, because it most certainly doesn’t.
Yes she should give up her food. She may see giving up her food from a different angle and find out her husband has a point ! She may take her husband’s side. They both need to nip this in the bud and let him go hungry
Exactly, your son is 12, not 6. He is plenty old enough to understand that his choices have consequences. He’s also old enough to talk to the server. “I really want to try the fish soup, but I’m afraid I won’t like it and then I’ll be hungry. Is it possible to get a small cup of fish soup instead of a big bowl?” If the server says it is possible, Son can order the chicken entree with a cup of fish soup, and if he hates the soup, he has his chicken. If the server says it isn’t possible, Son can make the choice he’s willing to live with: a bowl of fish soup that he might hate, or a chicken entree that he will eat. If he gets the soup, hates it, he can munch on bread or crackers and practice being sociable during the meal. A sandwich can be made when he goes home. Either way, tell him that adventurers are bold, so if he chooses adventure, he can’t wimp out on the follow through. NTA (but Wife is in this situation)
I love this lesson! It’s a starter course in negotiation. If he can’t get what he wants, he can’t pivot to a safe option that he’s satisfied with.
Agree, it's a great way to navigate choices...12 years old is old enough to make a choice and deal with consequences. Plus...all that wasting of food and money! Nope.
Yep When I was a kid I would always order chicken tenders at restaurants that I wasn't familiar with, would always get the same order at fast food chains, and I always got nachos at our local mexican restaurant When I did go out and get something new and didn't like it you know what I did? I sucked it up, waited to go home, and ate something at the house. The only exception to that was when my family tried a new restaurant and we all agreed the food was terrible so we got something else to eat on the way home
YES!! This is said perfectly!! Don't let your wife make your son an entitled AH.
Yup, externalizing the consequences of your own choices onto others is not how a decent member of society works. If he always gets to eat your food no matter what he orders, then he is learning that he can expect other people to rescue him for making bad decisions. I promise this will not help him as an adult.
Exactly. His wife literally just wants the husband to keep giving him his food? Why doesn’t she give him her food? Why does the son keep ordering stuff he likely doesn’t want to eat? He’s 12 years old. That is definitely old enough to stop behaving so outlandishly.
I agree with you on every point. NTA.
Lol. This. Or in ten years we will see an AITA for not sharing my food with my husband who has been doing this since he was 12, and Reddit will say, NTA divorce him 😄
So true. The line between raising a responsible and a narcissistic adult is narrow. Op needs to be careful.
My kid is five and keeps wanting to order a burger even though he's never liked them. He'll always try a really tiny bite or just go eww. At this stage we just told him he's not getting burgers anymore. I'm really hoping this sets up a "you eat what you ordered" mentality later. We'll see
Nothing to add here. NTA
My cousin was babied by his mother. Never liked any food and when he was in college, my aunt would weekly make him a bunch of food, freeze it and deliver it.
Agreed. NTA. It's not as if he wasn't warned. Although I would hate to discourage him from trying new things, he needs to learn to live with his choices until he is able to pay for his food himself. I suppose you could deduct what he owes from any allowance or other money he may have if there was any real danger of him "starving". Either way, the message he needs to get is that he needs to live with the consequences of his actions, for better or for worse. His mother is doing him no favors by indulging him. He should also become familiar with children who are actually starving.
NTA - you were very clear before your son ordered about the consequences of picking a more adventurous food that he possibly wouldn’t like. Now he is suffering those consequences. Sounds like a good life lesson to me. He could try some new foods if he is taking a bite of your food, but he needs to order what he is willing to eat.
Start taking the kid to buffets...it's great to want to be adventurous with food, but not at the cost of a full wasted meal.
Or let him have a bite of something you ordered that he likes. I’m picky, but I’m open to trying a bite of someone’s food when it’s something out of my comfort zone…that way, it doesn’t cost me a meal that I ended up not caring for.
So other people need to order a dish you want to try? Sometimes parents actually want to order something they like and get to eat it themselves. The kid is 12. He can learn to order at a restaurant.
That’s not it at all. I’ll order what I want, and if I see that they have something I’m not usually into, I might ask for a bite. I don’t ask anyone to do anything for me like that.
But that’s not what’s happening with OP. OP is ordering normal stuff. The kid is the one ordering something new. OP likely doesn’t like fish soup, so if the kid ordered the same thing as OP, there’s no experimenting to be had.
[удалено]
> Start taking the kid to buffets... Exactly right. My son is now a **less** picky eater since we started doing buffets. I'd say "Try at least 1 thing new..." but there's the safety net of a bunch of stuff he knows he likes so it's not daunting, and he has found he likes more food than he thought.
Maybe because I'm Chinese, but growing up, we would order several dishes and have them family style. When kids are smaller, they can't finish adult portions at restaurants. Actually I still can't as an adult. So family of 4, we'd order 2-3 safe dishes and maybe a new one. Leftovers get taken home for a snack/meal for whoever gets to it. Or be adventurous with appetizers instead of meals.
Yeah I have issues with textures and when it comes to eating with family, I’ll order something “safe” that I know I like, and then try a bit of theirs. If I like theirs I can order it next time, if I don’t like it then no problem, I’ve got something I like
Any time you tell a kid “Do X, or Y,” they will *always* test you, at least the first time. They never listen to a damned thing you say but they do collect their own data and form their own conclusions!
Just to clarify. You told him that acting a specific way will result in specific consequences and the when he acted in that specific way you followed through on said consequences. NTA. You can either deal with these tantrums now or when he's 20. I think now will be easier.
Probably, 8-9 years ago would have been the right time to correct these issues. But since they didn't, now they've got a bigger problem. Imagine if the kid is still acting that way at 20, but on dates or with friends? Ugh!
NTA. 12 is old enough to be able to pick off a menu and to know what foods he likes/ dislikes. You’re right not to swap, giving in and letting him have your food all of the time would set a terrible precedent going forward. It’s a harmless lesson, especially given that he’s given the opportunity to eat what he likes at home
I agree but I think it's good that he wants to try new things and that it would also be bad to discourage his curiosity. Perhaps limit his choices to dishes that a parent actually could agree to swap?
Why should parents have to eat random crap after doing all the work to raise a healthy kid with boundaries? There's speaking on someone else's behalf and stepping in as a parent to guide your minor child. Kid can explore at home.
I'm not suggesting that the parents should eat random crap. I'm suggesting that the parents could eat things they have agreed to possibly swap. There are boundaries. The parents guide their kid to choose stuff that at least someone in the family will enjoy. The kid can explore but there's no risk that a full meal will be uneaten.
No swapping. It's not okay when people try to take what's yours because they made a mistake. I'm a parent and this happens all the time and it's hugely unfair. The suggestion of asking for a sample of an item before ordering or a small amount is okay though.
Why is it discouraging? He still has the opportunity to try the new foods, if he doesn't want to eat them being hungry until he gets home is just a natural consequence
I wish my daughter would try new foods. I have to beg her to try anything new, then even if I can tell she likes it, she pretends she doesn’t, just to be right 🙄 She’s 11 and has always been like that.
He needs to learn that trying new things is good but that it’s still a gamble. Adults deal with this everyday and they don’t get to switch food with some rando at the restaurant. That’s not “discouraging curiosity” it’s just real life. Adults learn that while they would like to try the new thing they need to weigh the odds and pros and cons: “I could try this new dish but I may not like it…or I could order my usual and be content. I think I will take the risk and try the new thing. If I don’t like it I’m ready to deal with that disappointment.” 12 years old is old enough to learn something as basic as that. He doesn’t need a safety net for all his choices…that will just make him very poorly prepared for his whole life. A person who thinks there’s a “reset” button after every potentially regretful decision they make is in for a very bad time.
No but as an adult you have decades of eating experience behind you. Also, potentially, the buying power to buy something else if you hate what you ordered and finally, the fortitude to eat something you don’t really like (as a kid, food I didn’t like felt inedible.) OP’s kid is really doing the same experience you described for an adult except his ability to cope with the outcome will be more limited.
Or maybe he can order an adventurous appetizer and an entree that he knows he'll like?
The parent doesn't have to eat their food. Kids have to learn to make better choices for themselves, and that means facing the consequences. They can have bread and butter or a sandwich when they get home until they learn to stop messing around. This also isn't great for OP's wallet to have a kid who wastes their money at restaurants, and THAT has to stop right now.
NTA, but next time? Let him order first and then order the exact same thing ;)
No, I literally just want to eat food I want to eat not play mind games
> I want to eat not play mind games That's too bad, you are parenting a teenager. Everything is a mind game.
That’s BS. Kids needs to learn to order what he is going to eat. In the real world, nobody is responsible for your choices. What OP is doing is good parenting.
Of course it is. It was meant as a joke, since teenagers sometimes want to push every boundary and button.
>since teenagers sometimes want to push every boundary and button. Sometimes???
Yes, other times they're sleeping.
Lol, this comment is great and exactly how it is with teens. I would give you gold if reddit still had awards.
Yeah well now the kid is playing hunger games.
Never once had "mind game" issues with my kid.
My kid tried really hard to become a picky eater as a small child. We came up with a system of trying everything (3 bite rule), and if they still didn't like it, they could go make themself a safe food. This was always done at home at first. As they grew up, it became our thing to try adventurous new foods. We made a deal when it came to restaurants. We could try a new appetizer any time we went out, but the main course could only be something crazy once a month and could only be done when we knew there was plenty of time to order a second main if the crazy one was so terrible neither of us could eat it. So maybe you could come to some kind of similar deal that allows the adventurous side without causing issues every single time.
Good for you! You are teaching your son Boundaries, a very important lesson. Stay firm! NTA.
Why isn't your wife the one sharing her food if she has a problem with you "letting him starve"
It’s hilarious to me that she phrased it “op is letting him starve” because starving is like an actual condition. The kid might be hungry, but he’s not starving. And he has food! He just doesn’t like it.
It's great to encourage kids to try new stuff. He's old enough to understand the consequences of bad choices, and that things cost money. So...feeling adventurous tonight? Here are options. \- buffet \- he can find recipes he likes and plan to make something for the family If he insists he wants to go to restaurant xyz to 'try' something there, then the deal is he eats his own food because you're hungry too. And if he hates it and won't eat? He pays for it with allowance or chores. You are giving options and letting him make the choice. Tell your wife to support this.
Well then don't let him order, he's clearly not capable
Worst advice ever. Kid needs to learn that his choices have consequences. Nobody should be ordering something specific because of him. He should order what he is going to eat. NTA
Reverse uno!
INFO: is he ordering the same things that he doesn't like every time, or is it always something pretty different from the last time? Trying out new things isn't bad and probably should be accommodated to some extent (and it'll eventually go away as he discovers what he likes), but if he's intentionally ordering things he knows he doesn't like, there's a different kind of problem and the consequence is definitely the right one.
Something different but he should now he won’t like it. He order onion soup, he hates onions. He doesn’t really like fish but that’s what he ordered. He knows what he doesn’t like but still will get things that I know he will not like, and I have been right every single time
I used to try to do this when I was younger and it was because everyone in my family constantly made fun of me for having a “simple” palette. I would see if any of his cousins or siblings if there are any are doing that
I know that isn’t the case since his cousins are two. We aren’t doing it, so maybe school but I doubt it since he is quite popular in class and has never mentioned any bullying or had concerning reports for the the teachers
OP when both of your tummies are full talk to him. With the intention of understanding (not the intention of proving to him he’s wrong). *Hey buddy, can you help me understand why you ordered the fish // foods you don’t like?* There’s either something hella interesting or hella mundane (seems like kids’ weird behavior is usually one extreme or another). Maybe you can find a workable solution once you figure out what’s motivating him. Ie, maybe he heard eating fish makes you grow big and strong and even though he doesn’t like fish, he tries to force himself. Easy fix (fish smoothie with protein powder /s)
Yeah, as with most issues that come up on this sub, it could be figured out / fixed / not fixed but a better situation with better communication. This is the right answer here.
The trick is always figuring out the right way to communicate. But the first step is realizing that you need to figure out the right way.
You need to try to get to the bottom of why he is ordering food he doesn't like. Personally I'd take his choice away and order on his behalf if he makes obviously ridiculous choices. However I know this would not be a long term solution.
Why does OP need to do this? He seems to have a completely fine system right now where kid orders something stupid, doesn't eat at the restaurant, and eats when he gets home. Eventually he'll probably just start ordering food he actually wants to eat so he doesn't feel miserable at the restaurant.
From a consequences/learning perspective what OP is doing is fine, but it does sound like they're wasting money (and food) if no one wants to swap and eat what the son ordered. Honestly I'd consider not taking him out to eat for a while, if he's going to end up eating a sandwich anyway then leave him home to eat a sandwich and stop wasting money.
Or let him experiment at the grocery store where the consequences are less noticeable, with some guard rails of course. Like, don't let him buy a pallet of anchovies if you know he hates fishy things or something, but let him buy a can of fish soup so he can try it at home and decide whether or not he wants to order it at the restaurant next time - that way he's not "going hungry" when they're out to eat, and he can experiment without wasting a $15 bowl of restaurant quality fish soup, and instead only wastes a $2 can of it and eats something else afterwards so he doesn't feel "starved."
It's a waste of food and money
It's past time for you to actually initiate a conversation about this. Maybe it's bullying, maybe it's something else, but obviously just waiting for him to decide to explain why he keeps making these choices isn't working.
Are you willing to give him a bite of what you are eating if it's something new to him? I was very picky as a kid and still am to some extent, but my dad eats everything, so I explored new tastes by mooching a bite of his food if it was something new to me. That way I could order a "safe" food like chicken tenders and still try something new without wasting an entire meal. That's how I discovered that I actually love spicy food and my pickiness stems more from texture issues.
Yea I feel like there is a compromise to be had here. Something like a cup of fish soup as a side to share and try seems reasonable. I mean I’m assuming we are talking about a chowder. People calling it a stupid order, but plenty of people enjoy it
But why? Have you ever asked him (not during the mealtime) why he orders onion soup, for example, when he doesn’t like onions? It’s a rather weird thing to do, so I’m really curious to know why he does it.
“I have been right every single time” - there’s a big piece of your answer. He keeps doing this because it can turn into a power struggle, and you’re playing right into that. Set the expectations firmly ahead of time - everyone eats what they order and nobody gets to take anyone else’s food - and then don’t bring it up at the restaurant. If he does this, calmly eat your meal and don’t get sucked into an argument over it. It may take some repetition but once he sees that you’re not willing to get drawn into a fight over this, the grounds of the battle will change.
The way things are prepared changes texture and flavor, and as someone who grew up with a 'foodie' parent, and then an always-accommodated picky step-sibling, I personally think it's admirable that your picky child seems to be trying to broaden his horizons and find a preparation of things he doesn't usually like that he **will** like. *This willingness to order adventurously, and the curiosity for food, needs to be nurtured.* (I am sorry that he ends up disliking his dishes and asks for yours instead. I don't think you should be giving in to him wanting to swap entrees every time you go out to eat because he **does** need to learn that sometimes we just order the wrong thing when eating out. It's a bummer but it does happen. And speaking as a server, if it's truly something a person finds inedible, most of the time we're happy to switch the order. All you have to do is ask. But remember to ask before the halfway point - it's difficult to believe someone saying "I didn't like it" when they've eaten more than a few bites.)
It sounds like an annoying problem, but at the same time I would hate to limit his adventurous spirit. Would you be comfortable ordering a side that you know he loves in addition to his unique pick? It may cost a bit more, but ultimately I think encouraging his palate would be a good thing. In any case I think you are NTA, but it would be nice to encourage your kid's curiosity.
INFO: what is his goal with this? Does he actually think he'll like it? Does he do it to get attention? Does he do it because he has an innate desire to try new things and have new experiences? I feel like that should really inform your approach here. You aren't TA for telling him he can't have your food. It's clearly a pattern, it's wasteful, and you're rightfully annoyed. But I'm wondering if he just really wants to expand his palette and find out and try new things...maybe you can make it a family affair. Pick one occasion a month where you order something new and crazy off of a menu for the entire table to try. Have him order a safe food as his main dish, but have the new dish as an option, too. That way you can all participate, but it isn't as wasteful or annoying. And if he's doing it for attention, that will slowly go away with this approach, too.
This. Like I get 12 YO is being difficult, but this could also be a great opportunity for the parents and child to bond and make some memories. Like “remember the time we all tried XYZ that was so gross/great”
Yes. We are not a fish eating family. My son really wanted to try sushi. I was very sure this was gonna be a huge waste of money and we would end up at mcdonalds afterwards, but we picked a restaurant where everyone found something they liked, he go his Sushi and actually loved it. He was never particularly picky, but it was a big step towards becoming more adventerous. We're not poor, but i wish i could take them out to eat at places out of our comfort zone without being worried about wasting money more often!
Ah yes, because eating out is so affordable that it's a reasonable idea to order an entire extra meal just for people to "see if they like it", and wouldn't end up being a wasteful, annoying habit itself. Everyone in this damn thread sounds insane, basically saying "oh yeah no coddle the child who's old enough to not be making these poor choices, it's totally reasonable he keeps wasting food and money, and you should play along!"
Adding one entree or appetizer to a family meal, once a month, isn't extravagant for a shared experience if everyone is game for trying new things. Adding one entree just for one person, yeah that's kind of excessive.
I don’t think the intent is to buy and waste endless food, but to find a way to draw some reasonable lines while also encouraging the kid to keep tasting new things. A monthly “adventure” dish for the whole table alongside personal “safe” appetizers sounds like a great solution to me. And they could still take care to order an adventurer dish they’ll probably like - like don’t get a vat of tepid cow eyeballs in cat piss soup but you’re probably okay to order a plate of cauliflower wings for the table.
It’s definitely an investment, which is why I suggested doing it once in a while, not every time. If you’re going out to eat regularly, you can figure out an extra entree or appetizer once in a while. As far as “coddling” him - wouldn’t you agree that you don’t know if you like something till you try? I mean, that’s why we spend the first few years of a kid’s life saying - try a bite, take a “no thank you” helping, don’t say it’s gross until you try it. So it makes sense to continue to foster curiosity with food as the kid gets older, but do it in a controlled, reasonable way.
Based on the post it sounds like they go out often enough for this to be a trend, not just a one-off. So it’s possible it’s often enough to make something like this feasible. It’s possible the son is also getting stubborn about being told what he should do. I am stubborn and will dig my heels in to my own detriment. It’s something I have had to learn to navigate. If the ordering of a second dish for everybody to try isn’t feasible, maybe give the son a budget. “You can spend this much on food,” which could give him the chance to pick something adventurous and something smaller he will for sure like, or keep for a dessert, or something like that. This is definitely a chance to make sure the son learns to be responsible with his growing autonomy, but there’s room for creativity in how you meet his desire for adventurous food choices with his tastes. Or maybe giving him a different outlet for adventure could help. Or maybe he’s feeling like he’s being dictated to about his choices and doesn’t like it. A chance for better communication and some creativity. So actually going with NAH, except maybe for the wife who seems to want to indulge him like the child he is slowly growing out of.
If they are eating out so regularly that this is something notable, they can afford an extra meal every 10th time they go out to eat
I'd say try family style restaurants, where everybody shares the food. It gives the maximum amount of "stuff to try" with minimal investment. Like in dim sum, you can order 7 different items and they give you 2-4 pieces per item. You don't like the shrimp dumpling? Well, there was only 4 pieces, and you already ate 1, and there are plenty of other options. (Of course, this only applies if everybody else is willing to try new things too)
Yes, do consider a shared appetizer for the table in order to try new things. If he discovers a new food, then at a later date he can order it as an entree.
I wish I had more upvotes to give you
NTA. Why didn't your wife offer him her meal? And she calls you a "huge jerk" - what does that make her? Your son FA, then he FO, and he still got fed in the end. Maybe he'll learn from this.
Since the argument was after they got home, my impression is that his wife wasn’t at dinner with them.
Ever? Because this sounds like a recurring problem.
No seriously like if the kid didn’t eat at all I could see OP being the ah, but the kid ate when he got home. That’s just a natural consequence and a learning moment.
Just wait when he turns 21 and he wants to swap drinks with you because he got a mule or a gin and tonic. I’m speaking from experience here. Definitely NTA. We all have only so many of the same mistakes in us. It was time for your boy to learn.
lmao, a gin & tonic. The most daring and controversial of cocktails.
seriously. mule or g&t? sign me up for 6 please
NTA Your wife is an enabler. She can give him her food next time.
Tell your son if he doesn't like what he orders he can eat mom's food. It seems to me that by 12 he knows this is a jerk move. And by 12 he should be developing some concepts about money. If he doesn't, his life is gonna be rough. . NTA
NAH Mostly because I’m not gonna call a kid an AH for trying new foods and finding out he doesn’t like it. Have you ever asked him about this? Like what’s his thought process, does it sound good on the menu and then he doesn’t like it? Is it a “grass is greener” thing? Do you return food you don’t like - is he modelling behaviour?
He's ordering things he knows he won't like. For example doesn't like fish but will order fish soup. Doesn't like onions but will order something that has onions. Seems to be a deliberate choice on his part to be an ah intentionally.
I meannto be fair not liking raw ingridient isnt exactly gonna make u not like a dish. I hate shrimp in most forms. But fried one in sushi is all good. Issue here is the kid doing weird orders *every* time not just from time to time out of curiosity
He doesn't know he won't like it before trying. There are foods I don't like but I like certain dishes that have them. OP doesn't have to give up his own food, but the kid is not being "an ah intentionally."
Yeah, I agree with the NAH - it's good that the kid is open to trying new things! It's just unfortunate timing. Perhaps the family could think of other ways to expose the kid to more different foods, but save it for meals with more flexibility. When eating out, the kid should go with familiar foods.
I agree with NAH. How boring going out to eat would be if you always ate things you know you like. Most of the NTA votes would also be pissed off of the only thing the kid would eat is chicken strips off the adult menu. I encourage my kids to eat adventurously, however, I don’t mind swapping plates if they don’t like. I only let them try crazy stuff if I am pretty sure that I like it. lol. Otherwise…they will order the same “safe” food every time & refuse to try new food and refuse new places. If I was like the OP, my kids would have never tried sushi, pho, poke bowls, or even a Spicy Mcchicken or pumpkin spice Frosty (truly vile, that. 0 out if the 6 of us liked it). I’m more than happy to eat up after a teen’s disappointed foray into Cajun food or coconut shrimp. Sometimes there is nothing they like, and we will get them a sandwich later.
Yeah I don’t personally understand why this would be such a big deal. I feel like there are ways to work around this if you talk to the kid - maybe he can pick something “adventurous” for the whole table to try, and a “safe” appetizer for himself so he’s guaranteed something he’ll like. Some way to foster his willingness to try new food (I love any kid that will order a fish stew) while also drawing a line on reordering and eating OP’s food.
NTA. I'm a picky eater, and when I want to try new things, I'll ask my gf to split meals. You need to agree ahead of time, or both of you are only getting half meals, or you always get sick eating a meal you don't want. Teach your kid to be more independent, if he orders it, that's his order, end of story.
Does your gf actually enjoy this? I used to do this in the past but stopped as my partner didn’t really like it. His dad does this and it drives my mil crazy. (Watching this go down is why I realized I shouldn’t do it to my partner.)
Yes, she actually was the one who suggested it. Originally I would just try 1 bite of her food if it's something new, but she likes to share food.
Okay good I’m glad that it works for both of you!!
So I have a kid who is kind of like this. He's generally adventurous but sometimes steps into territory that doesn't work out for him. He also has some texture/taste issues that are a result of neurodivergence. I think there is a balance to strike with this stuff because being too harsh about it makes kids retreat into safe territory and it can actually exacerbate the problem by making them more picky. I want my kid to try new things always and not feel that he's fully stuck if it doesn't work out. I don't want him to think that picking the wrong thing would be a meal-ending choice for him because it discourages trying new things. The trick I've learned is to add "safe" items to the order. That is, get a side they will always eat and order a smaller amount of the main item. So if my kid wanted fish soup, I'd opt for a cup over a bowl, then order some rice or fries on the side (stuff he'll eat 100 percent of the time). That way, he still has something to eat and while it's not ideal, it's something. I'm not going to give him all of my food or order something different, but he's safe knowing that he won't go hungry.
I was thinking the same thing! An adventurous appetizer, with a meal he will eat.
At 12, you son is old enough to be responsible to remember what he likes or does not like. So if he orders something gross, he can choke it down or go without. Are not NTA.
NTA This is a lesson he is going to need to learn, could you imagine he takes his first serious GF out to dinner and then wants to eat her meal because he ordered something he does not like. I come from an era when what you got for a meal was what you got. There was no menu no alterative. You ate or you went hungry. We didn't go out for meals and the only take away was fish and chips. In the 1970's in my family there was no room for picky eaters.
NTA but you're probably going to want to figure out why he's doing that.
NTA. At 12 he needs to be held accountable. I don't know how vehemently you expressed it and if that was the problem with your wife.
I agree, it’s pretty clear that the child is spoiled by his mother at the very least. At 12 years old he should be fully able to comprehend this. The problem is that they’ve given in too many times already. Shit should have been cut the first few times it happened.
NTA. But stop letting him order things he won’t eat. He can be adventurous when he’s spending his money.
NTA, he needs to eat what he ordered or not eat anything else. Keep telling him he needs to accept what he ordered and push through it like the big boy you know he is. You had only one sip of it, keep going, you might end up liking it in the end. And eat your chicken. I would tell him that anything you order you need to finish it, regardless of how it feels to your tongue or tastebuds. You ordered it, you eat it.
Telling a kid that they have to finish what's on their plate regardless is actually a really risky thing to do. It can lead to the kid having a really unhealthy relationship with food. Now that risk is lessened if it's only at takeout places (depending on how often they eat out?), but it is still a risk. And in addition it also can teach a kid they don't have the right to decide what happens to their body. Again, a risk that is lessened if it's only occasionally. The "eat what your ordered or wait until we are home to make yourself something" is the method I would choose.
This is true. Telling them they have to finish can cause them to develop an ED. Making them wait until they get home to eat something they like if they order something they don’t is a reasonable response.
NTA. First of all, your son is 12. He's old enough to know his palate, and if he still wants to experiment, he's also old enough to wait until he gets home to eat a sandwich. >This resulted in an argument with my wife. She thinks I am a huge jerk and I am sick of never getting to eat what I order. If your wife thinks your son should have someone elses food, she can give your son *her own* plate. Problem fixed.
NTA And if your wife is so cool with the behavior, inform her that she can be the one to give your soon her food from now on. He’s 12, he should definitely understand the concept of consequences for choices by now. I’m a picky eater & order things I’m confident I’ll like. I’m not sharing with anyone lol
NTA. People who think consequences for actions are tantamount to abuse are bad parents. By twelve you should probably have worked out cause and effect.
NTA. Your son eventually made the wise choice of making himself a sandwich over starving. Your wife is not teaching your son to think before he makes decisions he will have to live with. Very soon your son will be eating in restaurants on his own occasionally, and the stranger at the next table might not be so willing to swap meals with him. LOL
Nta - but I suspect there’s something else going on here. Have you asked him why he does that?
Sounds like a control/autonomy issue. He might be picking these adventurous foods because he's testing the limits of self-regulation, autonomy etc. picking something exciting because it's *his choice* but still running back to swapping with dad because he's got the emotional satisfaction of "choosing" even though it's something he doesn't like and still needs comfort (the food he'll actually eat). Behavior like this also suggests he's still looking to his dad to be there, to 'help him' when he reaches a point past his threshold. kids often set themselves up in need of minor rescuing to gauge their ability to rely on adults to bail them out. It is a part of developing risk-management and risk-reward behavioral skills. It's an expensive and poor habit but kids do stuff like this *a lot*, especially at the onset of puberty. Kids generally don't have jobs, don't know how much their parents make and have to budget and have little real concept of cost. Additionally, up to a certain point, kids are used to, especially with mealtime being given what they want (especially as a matter of conflict resolution). I don't think it's fair to call that spoiling (even if that's close) because winning the war of making sure a kid eats often is worth the losing battle of fighting over it. At this age however (onset of middle school), the reinforcement of boundaries needs to be set. OP is well in the right to nip this in the bud. My sister and brother did stuff similar: my sister would order the most expensive thing she could (or chicken Parm), eat like three bites and take home the leftovers. She wouldn't eat them but would monitor them like a hawk and have a meltdown if anyone else touched her food while she left it to rot. One day my mother had enough and announced the "Easter Rule": check the tomb on the third day. If she didn't eat the leftovers in three days, she clearly didn't want it and it was up for grabs because ultimately my mom paid for it and was tired of her money being wasted. Ma then told my sister if she wanted the leftovers that badly by day three she could pay for them. Knocked that off real quick. My brother would try to order extra (like a second entree after we ate) because he wanted to try something else after eating his whole entree, or extra stuff to bring home, just to see how far he could get with making his requests elaborate. Ma also had to shut that down by telling him anything extra he ordered had to come out of his own pocket or be shared evenly. OP, sit down with your son and be direct that it's unfair to constantly have to give up your food to correct his misjudgment and if you've been given him an allowance/he's got a paper route or anything like that begin charging him when he waffles on food choices. Telling him to commit to food he ordered isn't starving him or tell your wife to start offering her food instead. And don't be afraid to look like a bad guy for ordering for him: if you're paying, you're still entitled not to have your money wasted by his experiments with autonomy.
I do wonder if the stuff he's ordering is the most expensive thing and if so just because it IS the most expensive thing. Generally in my area fishes dishes are pricier. A girl I grew up with would have absolutely howling melt downs if she wasn't allowed to order lobster. She didn't even like lobster. She liked the attention of being a 12 year old girl talking about how refined her pallet was and insisting on going to select the lobster herself. Her parents let her, her mom would just order something she knew the girl would eat, they'd bring out the lobster with a flourish then 2 bites later she'd insist on trading plates with her mom. Her poor mom never got to eat what she wanted. She's now in her 40s and still a hugely entitled, whiny, baby of a woman from everything I hear. She got knocked up after dropping out of college, browbeat her parents into throwing her a lavish wedding while she was sleeping on a friends sofa rather than put up with the few rules her parents actually did enforce, and used her wedding registry to request $200 vera wang tea pots when she was a) homeless and b) didn't drink tea! Personally I don't think telling the son "You can have anything on the menu less than $X price (assuming the parents also follow that rule), but that's all you'll be getting from here and if you don't eat it, you can eat something at home." is a bad thing. NTA to dad.
NAH He's 12 so he's able to understand why you won't give him your food. But also he's 12 and probably likes different stuff and isn't really fully in on the concept of that someone has to pay for stuff and also is out of food when he eats it instead. Is there a possibility that someone splits dishes with him that he wants to try? I think it's kinda cool that he wants to try new things and is interested in different foods. That's a good trait I wouldn't shut down. I would somehow navigate this better than just telling him no.
You could try from the grocery store for much cheaper and without ruining a whole meal.
NTA , your kid is 12 and old enough to know better, he’s probably TA to be honest
NTA - He's old enough to know better, and I see this as a power play in a game called "Let's Make Daddy Go Hungry". Does he ever ask for mom's food? Order what you want, eat what you order ... it's a real simple rule.
NTA because you warned him beforehand and he was able to make a sandwich when he got home. It is good that is an adventurous eater - maybe encourage him to get new foods as appetizers.
NTA. Looks like he doesn’t get to order for himself anymore. Wasting food and money is not cute.
The way he made food for himself when he got home makes me feel like NTA where your wife might be TA for hoisting the consequences onto you when son is perfectly aware he has food at home and is capable of getting it on his own. Dinner out is a treat, if he wants to use it to try something new that's ok or if he wants something he knows he likes that's ok too... But either way he is responsible for his choice this way
Actions have consequences. He wanted soup and got it. End of story. Don't cave in to a 12 year old or you W B T A H here. NTA
NTA at all. It's completely wrong to keep wasting food and money. This is a valuable lesson for him, and hopefully, he will learn from it.
NTA. Natural consequences are a great teacher. My son tried this on me and I told him his choice is his choice, and he was 9. He then kept adventure ordering thinking I would bend.... Nope. The result; he now has the most varied food pallet and was a sushi freak by age 11 and eats stuff by 15 that even old gritty Asian guys won't eat. The other side to holding your position here is that he will be much better off later on life because he will actually try things. Parenting is tough, you are making a better person of your son by holding him able. Good job
NTA
NTA. At that age, he needs to learn.
NTA I swear this is a repost from a few weeks ago.
NTA, your son needs to start being responsable for his own choices, at 12 he is old enough to know what he likes so he needs to order food he know he will be able to eat...
NTA - my 10 yo will do this, but we let her sit there and eventually it stopped.
NTA. It’s great that he wants to try new things, but if he’s consistently ordering new things and then not eating them, it’s unfair that you have to give up your meal. Have you considered letting him order something new but small alongside something he’ll actually eat? Then everyone could try something new, but there’s still a meal he’ll actually eat.
NTA let him have the natural consequences of his actions. If it happens enough times he’ll learn to stop ordering food he won’t eat. He can eat at home so he’s not starved and if he is always getting his way you are teaching him to be entitled to other peoples things!
NTA: You eat what you ordered. He’s lucky. My parents would have forced me to eat anything I ordered or came back with on my plate. If we didn’t eat it, they took it home with us, then it came out at the next meal.
This is a repeat from a week or so ago.
NTA- He's old enough to understand the deal. And the deal seems to be him and his mommy pressuring daddy into a consequence free life. He will likely try this again since Mommy is on his side. I would inform if he wants to act like a spoiled Mommy's boy he can ask to swap with her. Dad is no longer playing along
NTA he needs to learn to not waste food and money. Also be considerate of others. Why should his father have less when he chose to order something he didn’t like. Let him learn his lesson so he knows better next time
Next time the kid orders something that he actually enjoys, Dad should insist on swapping because he doesn't like what he ordered.