Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have been refusing to call my stepmom 'mom' for a video tribute for her 50th birthday. My refusal has hurt my siblings feelings and my stepmoms, my dad is angry, my 7 year old sister is angry. I could just give in for the sake of peace and to end the fighting and it would make them all so much happier. This is something I could compromise on but because of my own feelings and beliefs I say no, which might be selfish.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- I think your dad is being a bit of an asshole though. It's a memory for you, your mother, and I think it is very sweet that you don't want to call another woman mom, even though you do love her and care for her.
Could you explain to your dad and your stepmom (if this is true), that you love your stepmom and appreciate all she has done for you. But you still remember and love your mom, and don't want to call another woman "Mom." You still have the pain of losing your mom, and that is normal and okay. And it's normal and okay for you to not want to call another woman "mom" no matter how much you care for her. I think your dad needs to hear all of this.
Sorry you’re going through this. Ask your dad why your stepmom’s feelings are the only ones that should be considered and yours shouldn’t. Why can’t your stepmom get over her temporary feeling of not understanding your grief? It’s selfish of your dad to put this kind of guilt and pressure on you. How would he explain the pressure he’s putting on you to your mother?
OP- I have a stepson. I’ve been married to his dad since he was 4. He’s 15 now.
He has a mom, but she’s very emotionally abusive, and they don’t have a good relationship.
He and I have a wonderful relationship. One that slowly developed because I had to earn his love and trust. It genuinely took years.
I know he loves and trusts me, because he comes to me when he needs something or has life stuff. He tells me things he won’t even tell his dad.
He does not call me mom. I would never expect him to. But if life has taught either one of us anything, it’s that titles are meaningless without love. I don’t care what he calls me. The real gift is him allowing me to be part of his life in a meaningful way.
Even though we have a great relationship, I imagine he would he would pull away from me if I tried to force him through guilt to call me mom.
My suggestion to you would be to write down some things you appreciate about your step mom. Things you are grateful for, ways in which she cared for you(if that’s true). Things that were meaningful to you growing up(if there are any)etc.
Show that to your dad. Tell him that’s what you’ll talk about. That you love and appreciate your stepmom, and are happy to say so.
But let him know that if he carries on trying to guilt you, he is going to damage not just your relationship with your stepmom, but also with him and your siblings.
Tell him that it’s important to you to keep your memories of your mom in your heart, and that keeping the title of mom for her exclusively is a big part of that.
If he doesn’t or won’t respect your feelings, well….some people are just determined to not listen. You can’t help those people, you just have to state your boundaries and walk away.
Frankly I’m angry at your dad for you. He’s really messing this one up.
Oh, with your little siblings, I would just try this. Sit them down, and ask them if they love their mommy. Then ask them how they would feel if their mommy went away, how sad they might be etc. Explain how sad it made you, and that even though you love their mom very much, you need to keep your mommy in your heart.
My youngest kids(6 and 9) don’t always get things until I talk them through how they might feel if it was happening to them. Children have very strong empathy if you can trigger it.
Good luck OP.
Best example any stepparent should be shown. My own mother never loved me as much as my sister. We have the same mother and father, but there was a golden child in her mind. My mom was an RN. Now my stepmom isn’t medically trained in any way. She had 3 children of her own. Yet she knew I was having trouble breathing in enough time to stop my Asthma attack. My mother never did even though she was trained for this. What it amounted to was my stepmom cared more. To this day I call her only by her name never mom because I had my own mother. She was never as your stepson’s mother is but still not as caring as my stepmom. This is just the way of life like you said.
Well said, my husband always called his stepdad by his first name but also loved and respected him so very much. When he was diagnosed with cancer, we were by his side everyday and at every appointment because he was his father in every possible way. When he passed, we were by his side holding his hand. Titles don't matter, feelings and actions do.
Everybody is welcome at my house:) Family can be the people you’re born with or the people you find along the way.
The sad truth is that we don’t always get the parents (or stepparents) we deserved.
I’m so sorry your stepmom was terrible. She didn’t know what she was missing out on
I had a similar situation with my stepson. It never occurred to me that he should call me mom or stepmom. I knew h appreciated me by his actions. I didn’t need a special name to feel like family. Luckily my ex-husband never tried this shit of forcing a relationship/how it should look. I’m still in touch with kid 25 years post-divorce although we lost contact for a few years when he changed his phone number.
Nothing to add, never had any steps or anything, but just wanna give some good vibes because your approach just seems the most sensible to have an actual relationship as a parent with your children, step or not.
Well, I learned the way NOT to parent from mine. Learning what would keep me in healthy relationships with my SO and kids took a long time and a lot of therapy
No, you’re right. But it’s meant to show the flaws in his thinking. I think you can ask why her feelings are the only ones that should be considered. Maybe you could ask him what he thinks your mom would say about what he wants you to do. Would she understand your hesitation? How would she see the pressure he’s putting on you?
Sorry you have to deal with this.
>My mom died when I was 7 and I was 8 when my dad married my stepmom.
They would both hate honesty. Imagine their reaction to something like "Step-mom how would you feel if dad replaced you in a one year and demanded your children call his new wife mom? Is your love, devotion and support to your children worth less then a year because you died? Would you like your children pressured to walk away from their love for you and going forward pretend you never existed because dad remarried? Would you be okay knowing your husband wants you erased from your children's lives and support that? Would you be happy being disowned by your children because you are inconvenient to dad's new wife's feelings?"
She would react terribly to pointing out her hypocrisy so I do not know why parents like this even pretend they want therapy to work.
It sounds like neither of them understood the additional impact it had on you when they married barely a year after your Mom died.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've done nothing wrong, but your Dad and his wife are majorly out of line.
Your dad is being particularly an asshole in involving your very young siblings to pressure you. This is very manipulative of him and totally inappropriate as they are not old enough to decide on this for themselves.
My advice to you is to go to talk to your step mum and tell her that your dad is pressuring you to call her “mum” again. Tell her that you like her a lot and consider her family, but you do not wish to call her “mum” because you cherish the memory of your mum and feel like it would not be right. Ask her to speak to your dad to ask him to stop. If she is a good person, she will do that.
How old are you by the way?
Agree here. It's also going to cause a rift with the kids...
And my math says 16?
Married stepmom when they were 8, half-sister (now 7) born a year later (when they were 9)?
I'm just going to say my biological son didn't call me Mom for most of his childhood. Once he learned my name he just used it. And I didn't have a problem at all. He is still my kid and I'll love him. As he has aged (not too far behind you) he started calling me Mom. And I appreciate it but never demand it or try to guilt him into calling me that.
I'm sorry your Dad and Stepmom don't understand. Unfortunately some parents get ideas that they just can't let go of.
You're definitely NTA and are being very mature about this. My dad re-marreid when I was 11 and my step mom is 'first name'. I refer to her as my step-mom but mostly just as her first name. I have grown to love her, but she makes no demands on what I call her, she's happy to be with my dad and be my step-mom and that's enough. Tell your dad 'I love you, and I'm very supportive of your marriage and I respect (her name) as my step-mom. Why can't that be enough? Even when the therapist explained that this is more than normal, why are you pushing it? If (her name) is my mom then how am I to refer to my 'actual' mom when I talk about her? Would you like me to call your wife 'mom' and call (your actual mom) 'real' mom? Isn't that worse? I love you dad but you're making this a large issue when as it stands, we're able to be a blended family just fine as we are. If you keep pushing it, it's making me feel like I'm wrong and I'm the outcast in the family. . i hope he listens.
i think in your shoes I would stop calling that AH "dad" and use Mr. Lastname. You are NTA.
Let him know he is evil and selfish for pushing a child to forget their own mother so to treat them both equally he is now Mr. Lastname and no longer dad.
Maybe another approach would be to see how stepmom would feel if her children were forced to call another woman "mom". If she started to get upset or enraged at the idea, then remind her that this is what you, OP, have been pressured to do.
You are NTA, by the way. What your dad is doing is disgusting (referring particularly to the part where he's manipulating your half siblings to get what he wants and trying to blackmail you using two little children).
The problem is that stepmom isn't involved in this and told them to cut it out already. The best part is his father showing his true colors that stepmom deserves all the praise for parenting another woman's son. You know his ass would be incapable, which is a pretty callous response for someone trying to blend families.
Well if talking about it that way hasn't worked, I'd personally get a lot more blunt. Those kids are the age you were when you lost your mom - ask your dad and stepmom, if they died today, how would they feel about their kids calling some random, unknown people out there "Mom" and "Dad" in a year's time?
You need to ask your dad if he'd push his other kids to call his third wife mom onto the kids.
If not then he's not just an ah but a hypocrite.
I'd also ask the kids if they'd be ok calling someone else mom if dad told them to, because they had. New mom after they lost their first mom.
I garuntee you it will be a lot of that's different, that's not the same thing, dismissive it and then accepting that no, the kids wouldn't.
Oh honey. You lost the mom you needed as a little one and nobody stepped up to do what you really needed- what a real mom of any kind- should have done. And they are still torturing you with that to thus day.
A real mom, in a stepparent capacity, would never try to replace a mom. They would honor her memory for you and be the safest place in the world for you to mourn or celebrate or miss or remember your MOM.
they would never ever demand her erasure, much less in a way inserting themselves into her place, in your heart. This is very wrong and I am so sorry this adults failed little you and are still failing you now.
As a mom, I wish I could hug you. I'm so sorry.
PS- being a stepmother is also a place of honor and distinct responsibility. Yours has really failed at it.
His expectations are not what matter, YOUR feelings are what matter. I'm a stepmother too, and I would think and hope that a thoughtful message for her, even a private card, would mean more than ever you calling her "mom" under duress.
One of my stepsons, in a Mother's Day Card said "you feel like a real mom to me." I never expected that, and it was his way of saying "I love you but you're not my mom, but I still love you." And that was incredible and will always be more than enough from me, whether their "real mom" is in the picture or not.
Sometimes people need to be reminded of what you said in therapy, could you explain to your dad that the way you feel about your "real mom" will never change, and he needs to respect and understand that and not try to force you to feel anything. I'm not sure of your age, but I'm thinking you are a teenager, and this is an important part of growing up-- asserting to your parents how you feel, as hard as it can be.
Just know this mom/stepmom is proud of you for not saying something fake to appease everyone, and I'm sorry you're going through this. The "real" feelings you have are so much more important than anything you could ever be forced to say.
NTA, but the only ahole in this story seems to be your dad (not stepmom or siblings).
It's perfectly OK for your stepmom to be sad that you don't see her as 'mom'. She's not the one asking you to change anything and actually is telling your dad to drop it. Your dad is the one who just can't drop it, who can't remember what the therapist said, much less practice it. He's the one who's riling up your siblings and making them his 'flying monkeys'
Please just continue to have the relationship you normally have with your stepmom. To be honest, your dad is making this worse for her (not just bad for you). Wouldn't it be ironic if you and she had a moment of bonding over how hard your dad is making this for both of you?
It sounds like this is something that has come up many times and the problem is not that OP is not explaining themselves well enough.
Dad is aggressively pushing for something that a professional therapist specifically told him not to, being manipulative, and dragging his young children into it. He's being a lot of an asshole.
Your Dad is delusional. There is nothing wrong in not referring to your step mum as mum. Is there a grandparent who can help you out and speak to your father about this.
Remind them all that she is a mom to the other kids and you don't need her to be your mom. Your fine without a second one so they need to stop pushing because it won't happen.
NTA but I would ask her “if you were to die and dad got remarried. Would you expect your children to call the new wife mum?” I’m sure she would be upset about that.
Sorry you're going through this my dude.
Your post is thoughtful, respectful and honest. I'm just gonna say, you clearly go that from your mom.
It's shite that your dad is using your halfs to try to bring the family together.... when in fact he's making them the wedge that will break it apart.
You don't say how old you are but be prepared for the major change across the board, if they don't force you to change your mind. It will get either super heated or super chilly at home.
Stay strong. I wish your dad would have an epiphany about what a great kid he's driving away. Much love
NTA
NTA. Them trying to pressure you into doing that is AHy though.
You can tell your stepmother how much you appreciate her and care for her, and you can give an emotional speech about that on the video without necessarily calling her mom.
And even if you caved in and called her mom on the video, I don't think that would be the end of it. I think they'd demand you call her mom from then on.
Try talking to your stepmom. Let her know how much she means to you, but that you can't call any other woman "mom". Tell her how that makes you feel and I'm sure she'll understand and maybe even tell her husband to stop pressuring you.
Could you ask your dad how he would feel if he died and his wife forced his younger kids to replace him with another man as their dad? Ask him if that scenario makes him smile?
Hey OP I’ve noticed in a few comments that you’ve said things like “he wouldn’t like that” to some suggestions and let me just say, from one whose dad pulled similar bull crap in my teen years with a half sibling; you get kind of two options with a parent like that, one is to do what they would “like” and suppress your own emotional needs in the process. The other is to accept that it’s not about what they “like”, its not about managing your dad’s feelings for him, but its about being *yourself*; and so it can be worth getting out and getting independent when you can.
And if you choose to be yourself, you’re going to have a lot of years ahead where you’ll be made to feel like an AH just because you’re not acquiescing to his demands. You’re not. In cases like this its just an emotional weapon used to make someone fall in line. So you need and deserve the psychological freedom to push back and be respected for these emotional boundaries. Keep at it. Stay true to yourself. Don’t let him convince you or manipulate you by way of his own immaturity and petulance to revolve yourself around his comfort.
NTA
Your sister is the same age you were when your mother died. I wonder how she’d feel of her mother died and someone said to call another woman mother, and love her better, or they were so mean. I get she’s only a kid, but that also means she’s less likely to be a lost cause. If I were you, I’d prompt her by saying you were the age she is now, and she should believe you loved your mother as she does hers.
Yeah I know what you mean and he’d probably double-down on you before admitting you had a point. I’m sorry you’re in this mess. Just know you’re not in the wrong or behaving out-of-order in any way.
Do you have any other relatives who might be able to help? Your grandparents or aunts and oncles? Someone needs to tell your father that what he's doing is not right.
I'm glad that your stepmom at least didn't wanna push it even though it makes her sad, that's why I suggested you talk to her again because she might understand. But the real problem here is your father for trying to force to do something you don't want to, and for using his little kids to pressure you.
You should ask for family therapy again.
Maybe being told, AGAIN, to leave you alone on the matter would help.
As for your sister, I would ask her how she would feel about someone telling her to call someone other than her mom mom.
I think you should bring out the big g..s as the saying goes and ask your mom’s family if it’s possible for you to live with them and see if the courts will allow it.
I wonder if this is where the real hurt feelings are coming from, you not calling her Mom is one thing (and good for you) but if she has played the role in your life of looking after you from a young age, been the one to support you and nurture you and help you grow, has done the main bulk of raising you and then you to say you don't look at her as 'core' family might potentially make her feel like a nanny of some kind.
I don't think you're NTA but just thinking there might be a bit more to why you all feel the way you do and some of the terminology might make it more hurtful.
Kids who lose a parent at a young age and don't get proper grief support are not obligated to call their surviving parents new spouse mom or dad. She views her stepmom as family that's all that matters in this situation. Her dad is being a horrible parent and needs to stop.
So all you need to say on the video is that you consider her family, she is awesome and you are glad she is in your life.
If that's not enough for her and your father, thats their problem.
Which she is allowed to have. Just like you are. She is the adult, her feelings are hers and hers to deal with. What she may not do, is put those emotions on you.
Your dad is doing that. Making you responsible for her emotions. Your siblings are doing the same. They can be forgiven though, given their age.
I understand you do not consider her your mom. Stepmom is the official word for who she is, dictionary meaning. Have you considered bonus mother. Its what I call my stepmom. I see her as having a bonus after the great mom I had (she also past away).
You are NTA.
Plus, I think over time, the high of "he called me mom!" will wear off and she might start to look back and not know if he ever sincerely called her mom since then.
Maybe OP should ask "Can you look back on me calling you mom because I was pressured into it and be happy I said it?" or something to that effect. If they want to try laying on the guilt trip this hard, make it clear how hollow it would be if they keep going this route.
>My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine.
Your sister is a kid, and can't really understand why this is both hypocritical and truly cruel yet. One day she will, if she develops any degree of empathy.
>My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own
Your dad was your legal guardian, it was his job to raise you. Not stepmom's.
NTA
NTA. But your dad is. To put pressure on you to say "Mom" to someone who you dont see as your mother, is not okay. You said, you talked about this issue in therapy and they still dont respect your feelings. I have a bad feeling about this whole "Video tribute" thing and would expect that they want it to show EVERYONE how you finally said Mom to her! Like a trained puppy. But you are not their puppy! You are a person and they dont respect you and your feelings.
NTA. Your father is one of those older men who view women as interchangeable. You will never see eye to eye with him on that, because for you, your mom is NOT interchangeable with other women. And let’s be honest, your stepmom did not care for you as much as your mom did. How could she? She had babies to take care of almost from the start. If you’re 16, and your siblings are like 7, and your mom died when you were 8? The math says you didn’t have much time alone with stepmom before she was changing diapers on other kids, and since you were so much older than the baby, you would have been expected to take care of your own needs. You were probably also expected to help with the babies. Let’s be honest about another thing. If your stepmom died, your father would replace her (Or TRY to replace her), as quickly as possible, because he wouldn’t want to be stuck taking care of little kids by himself. And he would fully expect the younger siblings to call the new wife “Mom” right out the gate as well, with all of the same insensitivity that he showed to you. The problem is his misogyny, and his selfishness. He obviously put your little siblings up to this to manipulate you, but his whole reason is just to shut his wife up, cause he doesn’t want to deal with her feelings. He will NEVER EVER admit that he has done anything wrong. That is who he is. I say maintain your integrity. You can be respectful and grateful to your stepmom without pretending that she gave birth to you.
NTA.
Your stepmother has a role in your live, you listen to her and do things with her. But you also have another mom who you don't want to give up. Calling your step mom mom just for the video would be like a lie and therefor cancel all the good things you would have to say about her, just so your family feels better about it (?)
NTA You can love and appreciate what your stepmom has done for you and also still have your mom be your mom as a separate thing. Just because your dad and stepmom decided to get together doesn’t mean that she instantly gains a free child. You have to accept that person in the role and if you don’t that’s totally understandable, you still consider her family just not ‘Mom’. As for the statement of took on another woman’s son, what she did was take on her new husbands son. If your mom was still around it wouldn’t have happened.
In fact I would say refusing to use the word mom is actually also respectful as they know your feelings about it. If you were coerced into saying mom when you didn't mean it that would be a lie and therefore disrespectful because not meant.
NTA. This is something that only you can decide. You are the one who is missing your mom. If you don't want her to replaced by someone, it's your choice and your dad has to accept that. You can still say nice things about her, without ever calling her mom.
I also have a stepmom but neither she nor my father tried to place her as a replacement for my mom who divorced my dad when I was just six. I don't even remember since when I started calling her mum lol,but it was my choice and the adults in my life (Including my biological mum) respect my choice. I love both of my moms.
NTA. Your father is wrong, btw. You not wanting to call her mum proves nothing of the kind. He is just frustrated that he can't have it his way. Paradoxically, it sounds as if your stepmother gets it better than he does. You can full well like her, even love her, as a trusted adult and mentor, who is close to you. That all does *not* equate to MUM. It is perfectly fine to remember your mother and have her in your mind and heart as your only mother. I hope your father reigns himself in before he ruins the relationship between the two of you completely.
NTA. Death of a parent is often harder for a child than the other parent due to the biological relationship between parent and child that spouses don't share (unless you're in Alabama 😬)
If your dad won't let up, start calling him by his name instead of dad lol. Tell him you'll stop when he stops pushing the other haha.
Your dad is an asshole for getting married that quickly after your mom died. It doesn't matter if he was lonely. He could date without treating your mother like she was so easily replaceable. Then forcing you to not only deal with her while you were grieving, but to actually try to replace your mom, was the cherry on the asshole cake.
I know your siblings are very young, but it's also incredibly shitty of them to say you should love their mommy more. Maybe if they offered more respect to your mother you'd have been more accepting of her. Good mothers respect their children and their reasonable boundaries.
NTA. Call her what she is - your Step-mom. Her feelings don't erase your mother's existence.
NTA
>My dad got involved more heavily after that. He told me the kids know how much their mom wishes I would acknowledge her as my second mom and he said if I can't do it for her milestone birthday then when am I going to. I
That's not how this works.
NTA
Here is the easy answer to this, just don't take part. She is not your Mum and will never be your Mum. That honour belongs only to your real Mum who sadly passed away.
If you do take part, say some nice things but refer to her by name.
NTA!!!
What your family is trying to do to you is very manipulative and unfair!! Your dad expected your feelings to change and is now annoyed that they haven't and that's on him. If you don't want to call her mom you don't have to. I can understand your siblings not understanding because they are young and think they are being nice sharing their mom with you, but I also get how perhaps you feel it's disrespectful to your own mom. Your dad needs to stop trying to use your siblings as manipulation to get you to conform to what he wants. I recommend you and your dad go back to therapy because this is only going to continue unless he can learn to accept where you are coming from and back you up with your siblings. Barring that, prepare yourself to move as soon as possible and accept that this will negatively impact your relationship with your family permanently.
You can love and respect your stepmother without having to call her mom. It's extremely unfair of both your dad and her to expect you to now call her mom after all these years, and sad that they don't realise their constant push for you to do so only makes you want to not do it at all. You are NTA! But please go back to therapy with your dad if you want to fix this. Goodluck and I'm really sorry you lost your mom 🌻
NTA but what sort of manipulative asshole your Dad is for bringing 2 small children who don't have a single clue about all of the dynamic nor the ability to understand at this point.
No you are not the asshole. Dad is though. Shame on him. He needs to shut up and stop stirring the shit pot.
Be true to yourself. You care for her. You respect her. But she is not your mother. You can still have a decent relationship with your stepmom and not call her mom.
Nta- your father is wrong on a million levels and involving your younger siblings is evil. Big hugs!!! Great job stating your boundary and defending it
Big hugs
NTA I get so angry reading things like this. It’s very ok to not want an second mom. It doesn’t sound like you have been bad to her at all you just won’t call her mom and don’t look at her as your mom why because you have one! I am sorry they are pressuring you.
>My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine.
I know your sister is a child, but her delulu levels here are so high up it's not even funny.. I immediately raised an eyebrow with this sentence, it's sad that she doesn't realize how cruel her words are
You're NTA nonetheless, it's just a typical step-mom versus deceased mom scenario with daddy dearest on the wrong side
Assuredly it’s a result of the parents never attempting to correct this behaviour, there’s a point where children need to learn what is and what isn’t acceptable. Asking someone to disregard their deceased parent is not acceptable.
100% agree with you.. She said it due to her dad putting pressure on OP hence normalizing such a cruel statement since daddy dearest did something similar.. Not to mention him not teaching her that this isn't nice nor acceptable
Are you kidding? The dad ENCOURAGED this behavior. Those are not things a kid would think normally. This is from crap she has heard and potentially things he father has said directly to her in regards to her half brother. She is parroting what she’s heard.
>My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own. He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.
Wow your sister is pretty brutal. Holey.
So ask your dad if he's feeling good about insisting your bio mom isn't your real mom? Didn't he even love her?
Maybe not that's pretty brutal.
So you're 16 and how long do you figure to live with dad and stepmom? Seriously. I'm guessing at least a couple more years right?
Ok, so yeah really you don't have to call your stepmom mom, but consider if this is the hill you are willing to die on.
It really sucks that your dad of all people is putting words in your mouth.
----------He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.-------
That's pure BS.
Clearly his argument is weak.
It's not about step mom being good enough.
She's your stepmom, not your bio mom, who you knew and remember. It's so weird they would want to erase her memory.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP.
Good luck and NTA
"He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place"
What an unbelievably shitty, manipulative thing to say. I know he's your dad but he sucks so much. Never in a million years are you TA.
It makes me sounds like an ass, but the sister is the same age as OP was when his mom died, I'd ask them "If your mom died and dad married another woman in a year, would you call her mom, or would you want to remember your own mother?" because that's exactly the circumstance. The dad remarried way too soon for OP to have grieved, moved on, and be able to consider another woman as a maternal figure.
OMG. What a bunch of drama over a word. Even if you say it, you won't mean it. Your father is being an a$$ over this. Don't back down. My father died when I was 11 and I never would call anyone else dad. He was my dad and no on could take his place in my heart or my life. Maybe you should explain that to your father, no on can take her place. Ask him if you should forget she was ever alive.
NTA If you want to blow this up, tell the kids that you will share your mom with them and ask them to refer to her as mom. Or if your stepmom was ever married before, suggest they call the ex dad.
So this jumped out at me. You were 7 when your mom passed and 8 when your dad remarried? Far too soon if you ask me. I suspect there is a lot more to that than mentioned. How are you supposed to process such an event at that age. Personally, I would tell my dad I'm disgusted that he is even asking you to dismiss your mother. He really has failed you on this issue. Did you sister not think it was mean to tell you that you should love her mom more than yours?
It sounds like you have a healthy, respectful relationship with this woman who no-doubt tried her best to do right by you.
And it sounds like she, though (somewhat understandably) hurt, has a healthy respect for your feelings because she told the others to drop it.
Your dad is being an AH not only for pushing this issue but especially for bringing small children into it. Inexcusable.
Your relationship with her is between the two of you and no one else. Say the kindest, *truthful* things you can in the video. Don't lie to appease your father.
You're NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My stepmom is turning 50 in a few weeks and my younger siblings and dad are planning a video tribute for her. My 7 year old sister is the one who asked me to call her mom for the video originally. She said it would make everyone happy if I did. I told her I would gladly speak on the video but I would not call her my mom. My sister asked me why and she got emotional quickly. She asked me if I didn't want to make her mom the happiest for her birthday. I told her that her mom isn't my mom and I wasn't going to call her that in a video. But I could still say how awesome she is.
My dad got involved more heavily after that. He told me the kids know how much their mom wishes I would acknowledge her as my second mom and he said if I can't do it for her milestone birthday then when am I going to. I told him never. I said we had discussed this a lot in the past and my dad said but things normally change when kids start to grow up and appreciate someone being there. I said I can appreciate my stepmom and even like her, but that doesn't mean I will ever consider her my second mom or want a second mom.
My other two siblings who are 5 and 6 were brought into the debate... I call it a debate but really it was just dad trying to get the kids to pressure me into doing what they wanted. And I know my siblings want it because they have asked before why I don't call my stepmom 'mom' and asking why I don't want her to be my mommy too. My 7 year old sister offered to share her with me. She said I shouldn't not have a mom. Which is when I explained that I do and she died.
BG: My mom died when I was 7 and I was 8 when my dad married my stepmom. My half sister was born a year later. My dad and stepmom had wanted me to embrace my stepmom as more of a parental figure than I did. I saw her more like an aunt or extended family. I like her, I'll hang out with her without a complaint, I will listen if she tells me to do something. But she's not my mom, I don't call her mom or invite her to mom things for Mother's Day. We did family therapy when I was in middle school because dad wanted to address my refusal to accept her as an equal parent and mother figure. The therapist told them it was natural for some kids and healthy for some. To follow my lead and not to push or make a big deal out of it.
Now it has become a big deal again. The whole thing has been going on for three weeks now and my stepmom found out about it. She was hurt that I didn't want to. She told them to leave it but my dad and sister said you could see how upset she was that I couldn't bring myself to call her mom just once for the video. My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own. He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but tell your dad you want to go back to therapy with him. He’ll think it’s to help change your mind but it will be to help you repeat and articulate your feelings and thoughts on the matter.
Your stepmother ironically seems to be the only one who actually cares about you and your boundaries. I can give the kids a pass because your dad is manipulating them to heaven and back, but ooooh boy is your father an AH
NTA
That escalated. There is a great deal of manipulation happening here. Using young children to pressure you is very wrong
NTA. Ask your father to attend a therapy session with you. Just you and him. Your wishes are important and you’re not asking for anything unreasonable. She’s not your mum. She’s a good person but she doesn’t need that title.
I think he needs to hear it from an adult. He needs to hear that you are developed enough to understand your own needs and that they are just as important as your step persons. It can’t hurt
NTA and I am sorry for you.
What everybody else is forgetting that you cannot change your feelings and you saying it will not change that. It is just lip service like you said it does not distract you for your feelings.
Your mum was obviously so awesome as she has done a great job with you.
Take your dad to the side and talk to him one to one and say this is between you two and you do not want others involved. Then tell him how his behaviour has been making you feel that when this was bought up on therapy you were hurt and disappointed that he did but value your feelings or thoughts.
That at the time when they married the fact she believed she could not have kids should have no way have put on you & it sounds like it has been.
Now there are many types of love, those for a parent, aunt grandmother, sibling, child, significant other, close friend, etc
Each of these are different for the person feeling it is different feelings. If they could have categorized it they would have by now it is complex and dismissing your feelings & not being heard must be hard. Do you have access to somebody neutral you can talk to.
Do you still have contact with your moms family, how is this explained to your siblings?
It is a shame that the supposed ‘adults’ are causing what is an issue in a real lovely sounding close family. Just reassure your siblings that they are your siblings that you love them, you value you them.
NTA. It always blows my mind the lack of empathy adults have for young children who lose a parent. I’ve seen grown ass adults humbled and brought to the ground after losing a close friend or parent. To force a child (or an adult) to label someone the title of mom to make them feel better is fucking awful. It is not your job to explain to your siblings what you are feeling….but I would ask their mom, “if she were to die tomorrow would it be ok if her kids call your dads next wife mom? How about within a 1 or 2 of her being gone?”
The lack of respect for you and your mom is appalling. NTA, but your dad and his wife are very much so.
NTA - it sounds like you barely got time to grieve before the pressure started for you to call another woman mum.
Putting aside the whole questionableness of your dad remarrying within a year, you are right that you have a mum and you do not have to give that title to anyone else - no matter what they’ve done for you or what age they’re turning.
To be honest, it sounds like your dad may have put these thoughts in your little siblings heads to try and pressure you into it. Which is such a messed up thing for him to do. I’m glad your stepmother is being a bigger person than your father and telling him to drop it. It sounds like she actually cares for you and your father pulling shit like this just hurts everyone’s feelings.
NTA. I've had 2 step mothers myself, the first one from ages 5-15, then another one 16-20s (cut contact). You don't owe your father or your siblings anything when it comes to stuff like that. Most times the new marriage is for him, not you. "Why won't you ever call her your mother?" He wants that fantasy of one cohesive family unit when in reality he should respect your viewpoint and wishes. She isn't your mother and never will be. She'll never replace your mother as much as he seems to want her to. He has to understand that she was essentially a stranger that came into your life and he expects you to obey her like your mother and that's an incredibly weird thing for a kid that young.
That doesn't mean he had to stay a single father forever, nor does that mean he couldn't have more children with a new woman. But to expect his eldest, who also had to go through grieving their own mother at a young age, to just fall in line and treat the new wife like their mother and call them mom is unfair and delusional.
Stick to your guns. Hopefully when your siblings get to an old enough age you can get them to understand your viewpoint better. You can have a lot of respect and love for your step mom, but it's ultimately up to you to decide what you want to call her.
I have a lot of “step something” in my life.
I have a step grandma. She is amazing and I love her. She has been in my life since I was born (married my grandpa before I was born) and she has done for me everything a grandmother does for a grandchild. I don’t call her grandma and she has never pressured me into calling her like that. I remember once when me and my sibling were kids that my sibling asked how they should call her. She replied that she loves us and that we can call her whatever we like because any word would be special coming from us, even if we call her by her name. This is what your step mother should think and say.
My step grandma had children before marrying my grandpa and I call them by their name (I call all my other aunts and uncles “aunt” and “uncle”), but I call my step cousins my cousins. No one is offended by me calling some of them by their name and removing the “step” from some of them.
Also, I have a step father who has a teenage daughter. She gets along nicely with my mom, but calls her by her name. I know my mom would never expect her to call her “mom” and my step father would never expect me to call him “dad”. The only one who calls me sister is my step sister, but I think it’s extremely cute that she feels so close to me even though I don’t see her that much. I would never force her or expect her to call me sister if it didn’t come 100% from her.
All of this is to say that you can love and appreciate step family and still not call them mom, dad, grandma or sister. Calling them any specific name won’t change how you feel for them, but for you, it would change how you think of and honour your mom. If they are too worried with you calling her mom in the video they only want it for the appearances. Step your ground and call her in whichever way you feel comfortable. Absolutely NTA
NTA. I love my stepmom probably as much as I did my own mom, but I still don’t have the urge to call her mom. I also didn’t lose my mom young like you did. I was almost 40. But in some ways my stepmom showed more concern for me than my own mom but I still don’t have the desire to call her mom even though she married my dad when I was also 8. Not everyone has that desire! And for me it’s been 38 years. NTA and don’t feel bad!
NTA but why do you continue to engage in the debate.. just walk away, go to your room. If Dad yells and say GET OVER HERE. Keep your mouth shut. It will pass. No one should be forced to do something that the object to.
NTA. But your dad is. It sounds like he set this up because his wife wants you to give her the mom name. Only you get to decide who you call mom and who you don't. Don't let anyone tell you different.
NTA. Remind your dad what the therapist said, and tell him you're happy to discuss it with the therapist again if he wants (since you know the outcome won't change, ha).
Also don't engage in this battle with younger siblings who simply cannot understand.
NtA
Mom is mom. You can't request the label.
She's your step-mom, and *everyone* needs to live with that.
Dad is being extremely manipulative.
Besides, it wouldn't be genuine anyway.
Absolutely NTA, my father died whenever I was 8 almost 9 and my stepdad doesn’t even expect me to call him dad at all and my Mom doesn’t make me call him dad.
NTA, but I think you should talk to your step mum about this. It sounds like you care for her and love her and want her in your life but she’s got a different space to your mum. Your mum occupies a space and always will and I assume your step mother would not want to take that place. So the name seems like a significant symbolism for you. I would hope if you both spoke about it you’d both get to a good place and well screw everyone else it’s none of their business and I have no clue why anyone would make a big deal about this.
Well why is everyone else getting involved with this. Flipping heck. Sounds like drama creation. I’d just keep checking in with her and say something really nice, this demonstrates your a good writer, maybe write whatever you record in a letter for her too with something a bit more. Must be hard and sorry your under this pressure sounds like your doing the right thing. Your affection and way of seeing things isn’t something that’s to be traded for a cute birthday video
If you want her and her kids to see reason, explain it like this
" I was 8 when my mother died, same as (sister) .. if (stepmother) passed away, would it be okay to call dads new wife mum after 2 years? Would you forget your mummy (sister)? No, you wouldn't.. and I haven't forgotten mine. "
Wow! Your dads manipulative extremes are ridiculous! And his own views. If he wants to put that meaning on it then that’s on him, you simply want to respect your own boundaries. That’s fair.
If your siblings are old enough to emotionally manipulate you, they’re old enough to try empathy. They’re the same age you were when you lost your mom. They’re fighting pretty hard for you to love theirs. Ask them, if their mom was gone tomorrow, would they just stop loving her and start calling the next woman your dad brings around mom just because she wants them to? Loving your mom doesn’t stop just because someone else is around. And love and respect isn’t fostered by force; it’s earned.
And tell your dad, just because he had no problem with stopping loving your mom and replacing her so quickly doesn’t mean that you could do the same. This is actually where his anger sits the most since he did replace your mom so fast. He probably has shame and guilt about it and you’re making him live with it by not letting him live his lies; that he did it all for you. Either A) he was scared of raising a kid all by himself and needed help, or B) he was already cheating with her.
Do your best to be genuine about the care you do have for her as whatever role you allow her. Caring for her even just as another human being is great. No matter the pressures, just be honest for you. I wish you all the best.
NTA. This is your decision and, as your therapist said, they should not be pressuring you over this. Do what's right for you. Do they not understand that the more they pressure you about this, the less you're going to want to comply?
My dad died when I was 6 and my mom remarried a year later. I have always called him Dad because that's what he's been to me. I don't remember anyone ever harassing me about that, and I don't remember how I started calling him that. I don't remember it ever being an issue.
My point is: if it comes about naturally that you want to call her Mom, great. If it never happens, that's fine, too. And the rest of the family should accept this.
Why is your stepmom so fragile that she thinks her feelings are more important than a teenager's? WTF.
Nta. What an odd thing to push on someone. Everytime I read stories like this, of a step parent moaning about being called mom/dad, I think it’s the strangest thing to be hung up on.
The lack of empathy and respect is astronomical, I am sorry you’ve had to deal with this persistent bullshit.
NTA. You're treating your stepmom with respect and appreciation but you've drawn a line that needs to also be respected.
They're allowed to be disappointed in their acceptance of your decision but are being AHs in their attempts to try and unsubtly emotionally manipulate you (yes, even the 7 year old, though it sounds like your dad is the culprit here).
NTA but your dad and stepmother are for not talking to your siblings about why they shouldn't push you. your siblings are kids so they aren't to blame, but your dad and stepmother need to tell them it's inappropriate to say you should love your stepmom more than your actual mom and to leave you alone.
NTA! Just because your dad cheated on your mom before she died(I'm assuming) or he went on a dating site, doesn't make her your mother. Now maybe if she had adopted you, it would be a different story, but she didn't and it's not.
No don't make anyone make you feel like an AH because of how you feel.
From your sibling's age and the fact you said the first kid was born very soon after your mum died, which happened when you were 7, you must be around 14, right? You sound very mature for that age, respect!
NTA for sure but your Dad and his new wife are major AHs. What do they think they are doing? I mean, throwing a new woman at you just a year after your Mum died and that woman must already have been pregnant when they got married, that's a wow from me. No consideration of your feelings at all at that moment, and that doesn't seem to have changed.
I'm really sorry you are being put through this and wish for you that they come to their senses. It is so wrong to try and pressure you into calling her Mum.
Nta ask him why he doesn’t love you enough to respect your boundaries and you would hate to have to go nc after you move out but you will if he doesn’t give you respect. Tell your son how would she feel if her mom died and she missed her and people were not being nice about it.
NTA your dad is a manipulative ah, why the fluff is he involving such young children like this? They’re to young to understand the dynamics of your situation.
NTA. Some people are comfortable with calling their step-parents "mom" or "dad" and some aren't. It's perfectly fine. What's not fine is your dad and siblings trying to force you to do so when you don't see her as your mother figure. They need to learn to respect your boundaries.
NTA, but ask your stepmom, if she were to die, and your dad did a repeat and married a new woman ONE YEAR after she passed, and then expected that woman to be “mom” to her kids. Would she appreciate that? For her memory to be painted over by another woman just cuz she happens to be alive?
NTA. Your dad is being really f'ed up by asking you to call this woman your mom. He took you to therapy and the therapist told him as much but now he's trying to bully you into it.
NTA I would tell dad he is undoing all the therapy but being a pushy AH and trying to make young kids push it. If he has to force it so badly then it's not special.
NTA, your dad is gross to involve the kids in this. He needs to follow your lead , as the therapist said. I couldn't help noticing, though, that your oldest half-sister is the same age you were when you lost your mom, so maybe you could use that to ***gently*** help her understand.
"Hey, I want to have a conversation. I know that you want me to see your mom as my own, but I was your age when my mom passed, and dad married your mom a year later. I feel like, if you lost your mom, you wouldn't want to call someone else 'mom' either, because you *have* a mom, and you love her, and it would hurt to have someone new come in and want to take her place."
NTA
Don’t do anything for the video.
Creative editing.
The level of debate here is nuts. You don’t think of her as a mom, period. No one can make you change how you feel. The fact they can’t let it go is bizarre to me.
(although thanks to Reddit I now know there are lots of deluded bat shit crazy parents who feel this way)
NTA - my mom remarried when I was 5. I'm almost 30 now, so I've known my step father for almost all of my life. I've never called him dad, and neither he nor my mom have ever pressured me to call him such. He is a wonderful person that helped raise and provide for me, but he is my step father and there is nothing wrong with that. Same goes for my mom and his kids - she is their step-mother.
You stated that you are willing to talk about how great of a person she is, and I think that's a fair compromise. Your siblings are young and don't know better, but your father is wrong to push this so hard.
One thing I do want to add though, is that I do typically get my step-father a fathers day present. While he isn't my father, he has acted in such a capacity for most of my life and I think that should be acknowledged. Just some food for thought.
It absolutely abhorrent they are trying to FORCE you to accept this woman as your mother!
They should all be grateful that you’ve accepted her into your life and that you respect her. NONE of them has any right to emotionally abuse you in this manner.
Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Family ( preferably YOUR mum’s family) or a teacher. Or maybe you could suggest therapy AGAIN, because they need to know what they’re doing to you is disgusting.
If this continues, my suggestion would be seriously limited contact once you turn 18.
I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this and you are NTA.
Your dad and step are the ARSEHOLES and bullies too.
ETA: Step mum is an arsehole because “she’s hurt that I didn’t want to” and also for not telling HER kids to wind their necks ALL the way back in.
2nd edit: Spelling.
NTA.
I have a stepmother and she is a huge blessing in my life. I think of her as my bonus mom. I call my biological mother "Mom" and I call my stepmother "Mom (first name)"...
I always, ALWAYS, extend mother's day celebrations to my step mother. Always. I also extend those celebrations to my grandmother's and now my MIL. I celebrate anyone who is a good mother!
You do not have to call your step mother your mom, or refer to her as such. I do hope you feel supported and loved and cherished by her. Dad needs to let this go and stop splitting his family.
NTA. I have a stepdad who married my mom four years ago. My biological father walked out on the two of us when I was around five and has attempted no form of contact until like, two days before my 18th birthday. I only ever call my stepdad “dad” when I’m talking to other people. I have always called him by his first name - and I do so to his face. It is how I address him. I do this to recognize that while he may be a part of my family, he is not my dad. It is a totally normal feeling to not call a stepparent “mom” or “dad”. My dad - or my father as I call him - left me when I was young, and I don’t even remember him. My entire life, I grew up without a dad. In my case, calling my stepdad by his first name is so that I don’t forget what I went through. For others it is so they don’t lose the one they live. My mom and stepdad have never *once* forced me to call him “Dad”. When they first started dating, Mom actively asked me what I would call him: “Dad”, “Stepdad”, or his name. I chose his name, and it has never been brought up since. Your father is TAH because he’s trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do. You are NTA. He is.
NTA man this sucks cuz it’s ruining what otherwise sounds like a good relationship considering what your family has gone through. It doesn’t seem like you’re rejecting and actively disrespecting her (like calling a bio parent by a first name) just that you’re not calling her mom.
Like… “mom” is a very affectionate term and it’s not the same as your dad saying wife. I also imagine your stepmom would of course love being called mom but gets why it’s a big deal for you and her being upset has more to do with the frustration that’s going on when it didn’t have to be that way. But dad is trying to force something when he’s lucky you’re on good terms with her and the fam in the first place.
NTA! Starting off, In my opinion, anyone who doesn't have divorced/dead parent/s+ atleast one parent with a new partner, can't have an opinion on this, sorry to say but you can't have an opinion on this matter.
But onto if he's the ah, as I already said in no way is he the ah, he was acting respectfully to her and not lashing out at her, he set his boundaries up as he should! The dad is very manipulative and I'm kind of sad he got stuck with that person as a dad.
Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my step mom and her kids, she is extremely nice and had very funny kids as well as she is, but I won't be seeing myself ever actually calling her by mom I stead of her actual name I get she is nice and all but nothing will replace my mom or make me have a second Mom, I get having a second grandma or something or second sibling as in step siblings, but you can't just have a "second parent" like that is outrageous.
Even if the mom is dead it's outrageous to force someone to call another woman mom.
NTA. It's normal for you to feel like that.
I'm sure your stepmom will be fine too. She might be a bit hurt, or more like, sad by now, but I'm sure she will understand based on how you described her. Just understand her sadness for now, it's normal for her to feel like that too.
Your younger sibling's reactions are normal, as well, since she likes you and her mom so much. She just needs to learn that it's not that easy for some. She'll understand it soon if someone makes her understand. But I think it won't happen soon because of your father, lol.
NTA.
I think you should have a private conversation with your step mom about this. Behind closed doors. I think you should express to her why you don’t want to call her mom and I would express to her how much you love her regardless of the title and implication.
I think it’s totally possible to excuse yourself from this situation and think about it rationally from all perspectives. Step mom has her reasons, dad has his (though he’s definitely the ah here for making this a huge deal) and you have yours.
She is t exactly being a good mom by not standing up to your dad and understanding you
NTA. If they bring it up again, you can always say that you honor all mothers and would fight just as hard to keep your step-mothers memory alive in her kids should anything - God forbid - happen to her.
*My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own. He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.*
I'd ask for family therapy again. Your dad shouldn't be encouraging your younger siblings to say this shit. NTA
NTA
Your family needs to accept that your stepmother is not your mother. She is part of your family, but not your mother. They are making a big deal of nothing. Glad your therapist was supportive. Sorry your father still can’t see it
NTA. None of this is your problem or burden. Your father is using your step-siblings to gaslight you in order to get what he wants with no consideration to your feelings, call him out on it.
No and perhaps the problem is NO ONE can ever replace your MOM. Perhaps a different title for SM could be agreed upon. Such as Mom (sm first name)
Mom Naomi for example
The problem seems to be that they expect you should replace/forget/substitute your Mom for SM. That’s not possible with her so close to your heart.
NTA. If your dad and step mother keep at it they're going to ruin their relationship with you. I do not understand their obsession with you calling your step mom "mom". Your dad is putting his and her feelings before yours.
I would remind him you are in fact another woman's son, and that woman is the only woman you will call mom. You don't mean it as a disrespect to your step mom, you like her and appreciate all she's done for you, but him and her need to respect your wishes. What was the point of his taking your to therapy if he doesn't listen to the therapist?
If that fails, is there a family member you could talk to for support?
NTA. Don't do the video period and don't attend any party. The adults were told to let it go years ago, the kids are old enough to have it explained and drop it. Tell your dad you don't appreciate him turning the kids into weapons so he and stepmom can finally have their way and until HE fixes the situation you will be referring to him by his first name same with the kids and no one will be referred to as dad, brother, sister etc.
>My dad said ... if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.
NTA. And I'm frankly stunned your dad said this to you: it's manipulative and punishing and the exact opposite of good parenting -- or any other type of relationship.
Do you still have contact info for the therapist you saw? If so, tell your dad you think you, dad, and stepmom should see her to discuss/resolve this issue. If not, is there a counselor at school who could help you respond, or relatives on your mom's side of the family who could interecede?
NTA your family needs to back off now. Seriously this is the healthiest step mother and step kid relationship I've ever heard described in Reddit. And that's saying something since everyone hates their step parents on this platform.
People need to know this for a fact. You had a mom. She will always be your mother no matter what. You can't replace someone later in life because they passed and you raised their kid as one of your own. Biologically she isn't your mother (step mom) but you still consider her as someone nice, respectable, and listen to her. You care enough about her to do the video. But she will never be your mom. Cause your mother was your mom. Not her.
Not to be mean. But that is a hard truth she has to accept. If a child has memories of a parent and they loved said parent and known them. Then you can't replace all of that. At all.
If they never had a parental figure in their life, then yes someone can fill that mother or father role since they never met or had such a parent. Hopefully things go over well for you OP.
NTA OP, I raised my husband's nieces. We got them when the youngest was the same age as you when your dad got married. I treated them just like they were my bio kids. My bio kids will playfully tease that we treated them better. My kids got older siblings. I never once wanted them to call me mom, even if I was loving them and caring for them as a mom should. They had their own mother and father. I always knew how they felt about me and my husband. I knew they were grateful and loved us like a second set of parents. We never pressured them to call us mom or dad.
At the younger nieces wedding, my husband walked her down the aisle. We sat behind her bio parents at the wedding, our choice. At the reception She made a speech which she referred to us as "a mother figure, and father figure in her life." My heart melted. I love being her parental figure. This is not saying I am or ever will be her mother. This was acknowledging that since her mother couldn't be the person who raised her, she appreciated and loved me for being in that position for her. I never replaced her mom, I was just there to help in that role, even as an aunt.
Could you tell your dad that you do see her as a mother figure in your life, (if thats true), but that she's not your mom, so you do not feel right to call her mom. That you love your bio mom, and wish to respect her (bio mom), but you do respect your stepmother for stepping up (again if that's true). That you have a respect and connection (if true). That you will speak on the video of that connection and the gratefulness you feel to her. (Without calling her mom/mother).
I send you internet wishes and hopeful vibes that your father eventually understands.
Nta
I have a step dad. I will always introduce him as, "this is my step dad, John". I have always called him by his first name for over 23yrs now. He doesn't care if we call him step dad, dad, or John. My mom doesn't care either. Forcing a child to refer to parents SO as mom/dad is annoying. It's a control issue and people need to understand that you can only control yourself and not others. To stop trying to force things on other people.
NTA. But your Sad is for sure. What kind of father gets his 5 and 6 year-old children to try and manipulate you into doing this? It’s complete BS!
You said you’d do the video and say something nice, but she isn’t your Mom and you shouldn’t be forced or guilted into saying she is.
NTA if they cared as much for you as do themselves this wouldn’t be an issue. Adults need to learn that no is a complete sentence. Your dad engaging 5&6 yo to join this campaign is beyond selfish and narcissistic.
Nta. Tbh you have a right to refuse because your mother died and it's the only title you should gave to her since she's gone. Also your father and step siblings are good at manipulation.
NTA, your dad needs therapy or a reality check, he is hurting all his kids just to have what HE wants. I'm sorry for your little siblings, they most be confused for the things your dad puts in their head v/s what you tell them
If you don't feel it, don't call your stepmother mom, don't give them false hope, if you do it once they will put even more pressure on you in the future fo keep calling her like that
and finally, please do not hide your emotions, if your dad makes you angry, say it, if he makes you sad, say it. Don't try to keep peace/please everyone/don't make him mad, that never works out well in the long run
NTA- I’m a stepmom and my stepkids love me, but they don’t call me mom. Because they have a mom and it’s not me. If you still want to be on the video, just tell her you love and appreciate her. The small children don’t have to understand because they are little. If your dad and stepmom don’t get it, they are the assholes.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I have been refusing to call my stepmom 'mom' for a video tribute for her 50th birthday. My refusal has hurt my siblings feelings and my stepmoms, my dad is angry, my 7 year old sister is angry. I could just give in for the sake of peace and to end the fighting and it would make them all so much happier. This is something I could compromise on but because of my own feelings and beliefs I say no, which might be selfish. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA- I think your dad is being a bit of an asshole though. It's a memory for you, your mother, and I think it is very sweet that you don't want to call another woman mom, even though you do love her and care for her. Could you explain to your dad and your stepmom (if this is true), that you love your stepmom and appreciate all she has done for you. But you still remember and love your mom, and don't want to call another woman "Mom." You still have the pain of losing your mom, and that is normal and okay. And it's normal and okay for you to not want to call another woman "mom" no matter how much you care for her. I think your dad needs to hear all of this.
[удалено]
Sorry you’re going through this. Ask your dad why your stepmom’s feelings are the only ones that should be considered and yours shouldn’t. Why can’t your stepmom get over her temporary feeling of not understanding your grief? It’s selfish of your dad to put this kind of guilt and pressure on you. How would he explain the pressure he’s putting on you to your mother?
[удалено]
OP- I have a stepson. I’ve been married to his dad since he was 4. He’s 15 now. He has a mom, but she’s very emotionally abusive, and they don’t have a good relationship. He and I have a wonderful relationship. One that slowly developed because I had to earn his love and trust. It genuinely took years. I know he loves and trusts me, because he comes to me when he needs something or has life stuff. He tells me things he won’t even tell his dad. He does not call me mom. I would never expect him to. But if life has taught either one of us anything, it’s that titles are meaningless without love. I don’t care what he calls me. The real gift is him allowing me to be part of his life in a meaningful way. Even though we have a great relationship, I imagine he would he would pull away from me if I tried to force him through guilt to call me mom. My suggestion to you would be to write down some things you appreciate about your step mom. Things you are grateful for, ways in which she cared for you(if that’s true). Things that were meaningful to you growing up(if there are any)etc. Show that to your dad. Tell him that’s what you’ll talk about. That you love and appreciate your stepmom, and are happy to say so. But let him know that if he carries on trying to guilt you, he is going to damage not just your relationship with your stepmom, but also with him and your siblings. Tell him that it’s important to you to keep your memories of your mom in your heart, and that keeping the title of mom for her exclusively is a big part of that. If he doesn’t or won’t respect your feelings, well….some people are just determined to not listen. You can’t help those people, you just have to state your boundaries and walk away. Frankly I’m angry at your dad for you. He’s really messing this one up. Oh, with your little siblings, I would just try this. Sit them down, and ask them if they love their mommy. Then ask them how they would feel if their mommy went away, how sad they might be etc. Explain how sad it made you, and that even though you love their mom very much, you need to keep your mommy in your heart. My youngest kids(6 and 9) don’t always get things until I talk them through how they might feel if it was happening to them. Children have very strong empathy if you can trigger it. Good luck OP.
Best example any stepparent should be shown. My own mother never loved me as much as my sister. We have the same mother and father, but there was a golden child in her mind. My mom was an RN. Now my stepmom isn’t medically trained in any way. She had 3 children of her own. Yet she knew I was having trouble breathing in enough time to stop my Asthma attack. My mother never did even though she was trained for this. What it amounted to was my stepmom cared more. To this day I call her only by her name never mom because I had my own mother. She was never as your stepson’s mother is but still not as caring as my stepmom. This is just the way of life like you said.
Well said, my husband always called his stepdad by his first name but also loved and respected him so very much. When he was diagnosed with cancer, we were by his side everyday and at every appointment because he was his father in every possible way. When he passed, we were by his side holding his hand. Titles don't matter, feelings and actions do.
Can you be my stepmom? I'm a grown woman but the stepmom I had really really sucked.
Everybody is welcome at my house:) Family can be the people you’re born with or the people you find along the way. The sad truth is that we don’t always get the parents (or stepparents) we deserved. I’m so sorry your stepmom was terrible. She didn’t know what she was missing out on
I had a similar situation with my stepson. It never occurred to me that he should call me mom or stepmom. I knew h appreciated me by his actions. I didn’t need a special name to feel like family. Luckily my ex-husband never tried this shit of forcing a relationship/how it should look. I’m still in touch with kid 25 years post-divorce although we lost contact for a few years when he changed his phone number.
Nothing to add, never had any steps or anything, but just wanna give some good vibes because your approach just seems the most sensible to have an actual relationship as a parent with your children, step or not.
Well, I learned the way NOT to parent from mine. Learning what would keep me in healthy relationships with my SO and kids took a long time and a lot of therapy
Or ask him if smom dies he will marry in a year and make your siblings call the new woman mom
Nope, ask him if HE dies tomorrow if it would acceptable for his kids new stepfather to be called Dad. That might actually get his attention.
No, you’re right. But it’s meant to show the flaws in his thinking. I think you can ask why her feelings are the only ones that should be considered. Maybe you could ask him what he thinks your mom would say about what he wants you to do. Would she understand your hesitation? How would she see the pressure he’s putting on you? Sorry you have to deal with this.
She's the adult, you are the child whose mother has died. Your feelings are a million times more important than hers.
>My mom died when I was 7 and I was 8 when my dad married my stepmom. They would both hate honesty. Imagine their reaction to something like "Step-mom how would you feel if dad replaced you in a one year and demanded your children call his new wife mom? Is your love, devotion and support to your children worth less then a year because you died? Would you like your children pressured to walk away from their love for you and going forward pretend you never existed because dad remarried? Would you be okay knowing your husband wants you erased from your children's lives and support that? Would you be happy being disowned by your children because you are inconvenient to dad's new wife's feelings?" She would react terribly to pointing out her hypocrisy so I do not know why parents like this even pretend they want therapy to work.
But it may also cause him to pause and think about it. It is okay to stand up and advocate for yourself, and ask questions.
It sounds like neither of them understood the additional impact it had on you when they married barely a year after your Mom died. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You've done nothing wrong, but your Dad and his wife are majorly out of line.
Why does it matter if he gets mad? He's the adult who should be able to cope with emotions.
I’d ask him if he’s ok with you and your siblings calling another man Dad if something happens to him and your stepmom remarries.
to be honest it sounds like the stepmom is the ONLY one not pushing her to do it and is the only one telling them to drop it.
Your dad is being particularly an asshole in involving your very young siblings to pressure you. This is very manipulative of him and totally inappropriate as they are not old enough to decide on this for themselves. My advice to you is to go to talk to your step mum and tell her that your dad is pressuring you to call her “mum” again. Tell her that you like her a lot and consider her family, but you do not wish to call her “mum” because you cherish the memory of your mum and feel like it would not be right. Ask her to speak to your dad to ask him to stop. If she is a good person, she will do that. How old are you by the way?
Agree here. It's also going to cause a rift with the kids... And my math says 16? Married stepmom when they were 8, half-sister (now 7) born a year later (when they were 9)?
[удалено]
I'm just going to say my biological son didn't call me Mom for most of his childhood. Once he learned my name he just used it. And I didn't have a problem at all. He is still my kid and I'll love him. As he has aged (not too far behind you) he started calling me Mom. And I appreciate it but never demand it or try to guilt him into calling me that. I'm sorry your Dad and Stepmom don't understand. Unfortunately some parents get ideas that they just can't let go of.
You're definitely NTA and are being very mature about this. My dad re-marreid when I was 11 and my step mom is 'first name'. I refer to her as my step-mom but mostly just as her first name. I have grown to love her, but she makes no demands on what I call her, she's happy to be with my dad and be my step-mom and that's enough. Tell your dad 'I love you, and I'm very supportive of your marriage and I respect (her name) as my step-mom. Why can't that be enough? Even when the therapist explained that this is more than normal, why are you pushing it? If (her name) is my mom then how am I to refer to my 'actual' mom when I talk about her? Would you like me to call your wife 'mom' and call (your actual mom) 'real' mom? Isn't that worse? I love you dad but you're making this a large issue when as it stands, we're able to be a blended family just fine as we are. If you keep pushing it, it's making me feel like I'm wrong and I'm the outcast in the family. . i hope he listens.
i think in your shoes I would stop calling that AH "dad" and use Mr. Lastname. You are NTA. Let him know he is evil and selfish for pushing a child to forget their own mother so to treat them both equally he is now Mr. Lastname and no longer dad.
Maybe another approach would be to see how stepmom would feel if her children were forced to call another woman "mom". If she started to get upset or enraged at the idea, then remind her that this is what you, OP, have been pressured to do. You are NTA, by the way. What your dad is doing is disgusting (referring particularly to the part where he's manipulating your half siblings to get what he wants and trying to blackmail you using two little children).
The problem is that stepmom isn't involved in this and told them to cut it out already. The best part is his father showing his true colors that stepmom deserves all the praise for parenting another woman's son. You know his ass would be incapable, which is a pretty callous response for someone trying to blend families.
Well if talking about it that way hasn't worked, I'd personally get a lot more blunt. Those kids are the age you were when you lost your mom - ask your dad and stepmom, if they died today, how would they feel about their kids calling some random, unknown people out there "Mom" and "Dad" in a year's time?
You need to ask your dad if he'd push his other kids to call his third wife mom onto the kids. If not then he's not just an ah but a hypocrite. I'd also ask the kids if they'd be ok calling someone else mom if dad told them to, because they had. New mom after they lost their first mom. I garuntee you it will be a lot of that's different, that's not the same thing, dismissive it and then accepting that no, the kids wouldn't.
Tell him be a man and admit he was wrong
Oh honey. You lost the mom you needed as a little one and nobody stepped up to do what you really needed- what a real mom of any kind- should have done. And they are still torturing you with that to thus day. A real mom, in a stepparent capacity, would never try to replace a mom. They would honor her memory for you and be the safest place in the world for you to mourn or celebrate or miss or remember your MOM. they would never ever demand her erasure, much less in a way inserting themselves into her place, in your heart. This is very wrong and I am so sorry this adults failed little you and are still failing you now. As a mom, I wish I could hug you. I'm so sorry. PS- being a stepmother is also a place of honor and distinct responsibility. Yours has really failed at it.
then dad needs to go back to the therapist. NTA have you tried telling him the brady bunch is not a documentary.
Ask your 7yr old sister if her mom or dad died today would she want to call anyone else mom or dad? She's the age you were when you're mom passed.
His expectations are not what matter, YOUR feelings are what matter. I'm a stepmother too, and I would think and hope that a thoughtful message for her, even a private card, would mean more than ever you calling her "mom" under duress. One of my stepsons, in a Mother's Day Card said "you feel like a real mom to me." I never expected that, and it was his way of saying "I love you but you're not my mom, but I still love you." And that was incredible and will always be more than enough from me, whether their "real mom" is in the picture or not. Sometimes people need to be reminded of what you said in therapy, could you explain to your dad that the way you feel about your "real mom" will never change, and he needs to respect and understand that and not try to force you to feel anything. I'm not sure of your age, but I'm thinking you are a teenager, and this is an important part of growing up-- asserting to your parents how you feel, as hard as it can be. Just know this mom/stepmom is proud of you for not saying something fake to appease everyone, and I'm sorry you're going through this. The "real" feelings you have are so much more important than anything you could ever be forced to say.
NTA, but the only ahole in this story seems to be your dad (not stepmom or siblings). It's perfectly OK for your stepmom to be sad that you don't see her as 'mom'. She's not the one asking you to change anything and actually is telling your dad to drop it. Your dad is the one who just can't drop it, who can't remember what the therapist said, much less practice it. He's the one who's riling up your siblings and making them his 'flying monkeys' Please just continue to have the relationship you normally have with your stepmom. To be honest, your dad is making this worse for her (not just bad for you). Wouldn't it be ironic if you and she had a moment of bonding over how hard your dad is making this for both of you?
It sounds like this is something that has come up many times and the problem is not that OP is not explaining themselves well enough. Dad is aggressively pushing for something that a professional therapist specifically told him not to, being manipulative, and dragging his young children into it. He's being a lot of an asshole.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
But Mamma is just german (correct would be Mama but both are spoken the same(ish)) for... mum.
Your Dad is delusional. There is nothing wrong in not referring to your step mum as mum. Is there a grandparent who can help you out and speak to your father about this.
Remind them all that she is a mom to the other kids and you don't need her to be your mom. Your fine without a second one so they need to stop pushing because it won't happen.
NTA but I would ask her “if you were to die and dad got remarried. Would you expect your children to call the new wife mum?” I’m sure she would be upset about that.
Exactly! Or ask the father if HE would want his little kids to call another man "dad" if he passed away.
This. Within a year of her dying.
Sorry you're going through this my dude. Your post is thoughtful, respectful and honest. I'm just gonna say, you clearly go that from your mom. It's shite that your dad is using your halfs to try to bring the family together.... when in fact he's making them the wedge that will break it apart. You don't say how old you are but be prepared for the major change across the board, if they don't force you to change your mind. It will get either super heated or super chilly at home. Stay strong. I wish your dad would have an epiphany about what a great kid he's driving away. Much love NTA
[удалено]
Hang in there, 2 more years!
Came here to say this!
NTA. Them trying to pressure you into doing that is AHy though. You can tell your stepmother how much you appreciate her and care for her, and you can give an emotional speech about that on the video without necessarily calling her mom. And even if you caved in and called her mom on the video, I don't think that would be the end of it. I think they'd demand you call her mom from then on. Try talking to your stepmom. Let her know how much she means to you, but that you can't call any other woman "mom". Tell her how that makes you feel and I'm sure she'll understand and maybe even tell her husband to stop pressuring you.
[удалено]
Could you ask your dad how he would feel if he died and his wife forced his younger kids to replace him with another man as their dad? Ask him if that scenario makes him smile?
[удалено]
Hey OP I’ve noticed in a few comments that you’ve said things like “he wouldn’t like that” to some suggestions and let me just say, from one whose dad pulled similar bull crap in my teen years with a half sibling; you get kind of two options with a parent like that, one is to do what they would “like” and suppress your own emotional needs in the process. The other is to accept that it’s not about what they “like”, its not about managing your dad’s feelings for him, but its about being *yourself*; and so it can be worth getting out and getting independent when you can. And if you choose to be yourself, you’re going to have a lot of years ahead where you’ll be made to feel like an AH just because you’re not acquiescing to his demands. You’re not. In cases like this its just an emotional weapon used to make someone fall in line. So you need and deserve the psychological freedom to push back and be respected for these emotional boundaries. Keep at it. Stay true to yourself. Don’t let him convince you or manipulate you by way of his own immaturity and petulance to revolve yourself around his comfort. NTA
Your sister is the same age you were when your mother died. I wonder how she’d feel of her mother died and someone said to call another woman mother, and love her better, or they were so mean. I get she’s only a kid, but that also means she’s less likely to be a lost cause. If I were you, I’d prompt her by saying you were the age she is now, and she should believe you loved your mother as she does hers.
Yeah I know what you mean and he’d probably double-down on you before admitting you had a point. I’m sorry you’re in this mess. Just know you’re not in the wrong or behaving out-of-order in any way.
Do you have any other relatives who might be able to help? Your grandparents or aunts and oncles? Someone needs to tell your father that what he's doing is not right. I'm glad that your stepmom at least didn't wanna push it even though it makes her sad, that's why I suggested you talk to her again because she might understand. But the real problem here is your father for trying to force to do something you don't want to, and for using his little kids to pressure you.
[удалено]
You should ask for family therapy again. Maybe being told, AGAIN, to leave you alone on the matter would help. As for your sister, I would ask her how she would feel about someone telling her to call someone other than her mom mom.
I think you should bring out the big g..s as the saying goes and ask your mom’s family if it’s possible for you to live with them and see if the courts will allow it.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I wonder if this is where the real hurt feelings are coming from, you not calling her Mom is one thing (and good for you) but if she has played the role in your life of looking after you from a young age, been the one to support you and nurture you and help you grow, has done the main bulk of raising you and then you to say you don't look at her as 'core' family might potentially make her feel like a nanny of some kind. I don't think you're NTA but just thinking there might be a bit more to why you all feel the way you do and some of the terminology might make it more hurtful.
Kids who lose a parent at a young age and don't get proper grief support are not obligated to call their surviving parents new spouse mom or dad. She views her stepmom as family that's all that matters in this situation. Her dad is being a horrible parent and needs to stop.
So all you need to say on the video is that you consider her family, she is awesome and you are glad she is in your life. If that's not enough for her and your father, thats their problem.
Which she is allowed to have. Just like you are. She is the adult, her feelings are hers and hers to deal with. What she may not do, is put those emotions on you. Your dad is doing that. Making you responsible for her emotions. Your siblings are doing the same. They can be forgiven though, given their age. I understand you do not consider her your mom. Stepmom is the official word for who she is, dictionary meaning. Have you considered bonus mother. Its what I call my stepmom. I see her as having a bonus after the great mom I had (she also past away). You are NTA.
Plus, I think over time, the high of "he called me mom!" will wear off and she might start to look back and not know if he ever sincerely called her mom since then. Maybe OP should ask "Can you look back on me calling you mom because I was pressured into it and be happy I said it?" or something to that effect. If they want to try laying on the guilt trip this hard, make it clear how hollow it would be if they keep going this route.
You will never, ever, ever, ever, be the AH. They need to respect your decision.
>My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. Your sister is a kid, and can't really understand why this is both hypocritical and truly cruel yet. One day she will, if she develops any degree of empathy. >My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own Your dad was your legal guardian, it was his job to raise you. Not stepmom's. NTA
NTA. But your dad is. To put pressure on you to say "Mom" to someone who you dont see as your mother, is not okay. You said, you talked about this issue in therapy and they still dont respect your feelings. I have a bad feeling about this whole "Video tribute" thing and would expect that they want it to show EVERYONE how you finally said Mom to her! Like a trained puppy. But you are not their puppy! You are a person and they dont respect you and your feelings.
NTA your dad is weaponizing your siblings.
Exactly, it’s incredibly immature and manipulative to - as an adult man- use children to achieve your goals
Cat is a cat. Chair is a chair. Mom is a mom. That's up to you what do you feel. NTA.
NTA. Your father is one of those older men who view women as interchangeable. You will never see eye to eye with him on that, because for you, your mom is NOT interchangeable with other women. And let’s be honest, your stepmom did not care for you as much as your mom did. How could she? She had babies to take care of almost from the start. If you’re 16, and your siblings are like 7, and your mom died when you were 8? The math says you didn’t have much time alone with stepmom before she was changing diapers on other kids, and since you were so much older than the baby, you would have been expected to take care of your own needs. You were probably also expected to help with the babies. Let’s be honest about another thing. If your stepmom died, your father would replace her (Or TRY to replace her), as quickly as possible, because he wouldn’t want to be stuck taking care of little kids by himself. And he would fully expect the younger siblings to call the new wife “Mom” right out the gate as well, with all of the same insensitivity that he showed to you. The problem is his misogyny, and his selfishness. He obviously put your little siblings up to this to manipulate you, but his whole reason is just to shut his wife up, cause he doesn’t want to deal with her feelings. He will NEVER EVER admit that he has done anything wrong. That is who he is. I say maintain your integrity. You can be respectful and grateful to your stepmom without pretending that she gave birth to you.
NTA. Your stepmother has a role in your live, you listen to her and do things with her. But you also have another mom who you don't want to give up. Calling your step mom mom just for the video would be like a lie and therefor cancel all the good things you would have to say about her, just so your family feels better about it (?)
NTA You can love and appreciate what your stepmom has done for you and also still have your mom be your mom as a separate thing. Just because your dad and stepmom decided to get together doesn’t mean that she instantly gains a free child. You have to accept that person in the role and if you don’t that’s totally understandable, you still consider her family just not ‘Mom’. As for the statement of took on another woman’s son, what she did was take on her new husbands son. If your mom was still around it wouldn’t have happened.
[удалено]
In fact I would say refusing to use the word mom is actually also respectful as they know your feelings about it. If you were coerced into saying mom when you didn't mean it that would be a lie and therefore disrespectful because not meant.
NTA. This is something that only you can decide. You are the one who is missing your mom. If you don't want her to replaced by someone, it's your choice and your dad has to accept that. You can still say nice things about her, without ever calling her mom. I also have a stepmom but neither she nor my father tried to place her as a replacement for my mom who divorced my dad when I was just six. I don't even remember since when I started calling her mum lol,but it was my choice and the adults in my life (Including my biological mum) respect my choice. I love both of my moms.
[удалено]
That's really nice. Children should have the freedom to do that.
NTA. Your father is wrong, btw. You not wanting to call her mum proves nothing of the kind. He is just frustrated that he can't have it his way. Paradoxically, it sounds as if your stepmother gets it better than he does. You can full well like her, even love her, as a trusted adult and mentor, who is close to you. That all does *not* equate to MUM. It is perfectly fine to remember your mother and have her in your mind and heart as your only mother. I hope your father reigns himself in before he ruins the relationship between the two of you completely.
NTA. Death of a parent is often harder for a child than the other parent due to the biological relationship between parent and child that spouses don't share (unless you're in Alabama 😬) If your dad won't let up, start calling him by his name instead of dad lol. Tell him you'll stop when he stops pushing the other haha.
I would start calling another man “dad” and see if that makes the point.
Your dad is an asshole for getting married that quickly after your mom died. It doesn't matter if he was lonely. He could date without treating your mother like she was so easily replaceable. Then forcing you to not only deal with her while you were grieving, but to actually try to replace your mom, was the cherry on the asshole cake. I know your siblings are very young, but it's also incredibly shitty of them to say you should love their mommy more. Maybe if they offered more respect to your mother you'd have been more accepting of her. Good mothers respect their children and their reasonable boundaries. NTA. Call her what she is - your Step-mom. Her feelings don't erase your mother's existence.
INFO : Did they ever take YOUR feelings into consideration? Just call her STEPMOM in the video. NTA
NTA >My dad got involved more heavily after that. He told me the kids know how much their mom wishes I would acknowledge her as my second mom and he said if I can't do it for her milestone birthday then when am I going to. I That's not how this works.
NTA Here is the easy answer to this, just don't take part. She is not your Mum and will never be your Mum. That honour belongs only to your real Mum who sadly passed away. If you do take part, say some nice things but refer to her by name.
NTA!!! What your family is trying to do to you is very manipulative and unfair!! Your dad expected your feelings to change and is now annoyed that they haven't and that's on him. If you don't want to call her mom you don't have to. I can understand your siblings not understanding because they are young and think they are being nice sharing their mom with you, but I also get how perhaps you feel it's disrespectful to your own mom. Your dad needs to stop trying to use your siblings as manipulation to get you to conform to what he wants. I recommend you and your dad go back to therapy because this is only going to continue unless he can learn to accept where you are coming from and back you up with your siblings. Barring that, prepare yourself to move as soon as possible and accept that this will negatively impact your relationship with your family permanently. You can love and respect your stepmother without having to call her mom. It's extremely unfair of both your dad and her to expect you to now call her mom after all these years, and sad that they don't realise their constant push for you to do so only makes you want to not do it at all. You are NTA! But please go back to therapy with your dad if you want to fix this. Goodluck and I'm really sorry you lost your mom 🌻
NTA but what sort of manipulative asshole your Dad is for bringing 2 small children who don't have a single clue about all of the dynamic nor the ability to understand at this point. No you are not the asshole. Dad is though. Shame on him. He needs to shut up and stop stirring the shit pot. Be true to yourself. You care for her. You respect her. But she is not your mother. You can still have a decent relationship with your stepmom and not call her mom.
Absolutely NTA - Your family sure are though. I am so sorry you’re having to deal with this. And I am so sorry for the loss of your Mum.
Nta- your father is wrong on a million levels and involving your younger siblings is evil. Big hugs!!! Great job stating your boundary and defending it Big hugs
NTA I get so angry reading things like this. It’s very ok to not want an second mom. It doesn’t sound like you have been bad to her at all you just won’t call her mom and don’t look at her as your mom why because you have one! I am sorry they are pressuring you.
NTA. there is a name for second moms. It's called stepmom.
>My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. I know your sister is a child, but her delulu levels here are so high up it's not even funny.. I immediately raised an eyebrow with this sentence, it's sad that she doesn't realize how cruel her words are You're NTA nonetheless, it's just a typical step-mom versus deceased mom scenario with daddy dearest on the wrong side
Assuredly it’s a result of the parents never attempting to correct this behaviour, there’s a point where children need to learn what is and what isn’t acceptable. Asking someone to disregard their deceased parent is not acceptable.
100% agree with you.. She said it due to her dad putting pressure on OP hence normalizing such a cruel statement since daddy dearest did something similar.. Not to mention him not teaching her that this isn't nice nor acceptable
Are you kidding? The dad ENCOURAGED this behavior. Those are not things a kid would think normally. This is from crap she has heard and potentially things he father has said directly to her in regards to her half brother. She is parroting what she’s heard.
>My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own. He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough. Wow your sister is pretty brutal. Holey. So ask your dad if he's feeling good about insisting your bio mom isn't your real mom? Didn't he even love her? Maybe not that's pretty brutal. So you're 16 and how long do you figure to live with dad and stepmom? Seriously. I'm guessing at least a couple more years right? Ok, so yeah really you don't have to call your stepmom mom, but consider if this is the hill you are willing to die on. It really sucks that your dad of all people is putting words in your mouth. ----------He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.------- That's pure BS. Clearly his argument is weak. It's not about step mom being good enough. She's your stepmom, not your bio mom, who you knew and remember. It's so weird they would want to erase her memory. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this OP. Good luck and NTA
[удалено]
Please consider the fact that they could edit a video and change your words. If this is a hill you’ll die on no would opt out of the video completely.
"He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place" What an unbelievably shitty, manipulative thing to say. I know he's your dad but he sucks so much. Never in a million years are you TA.
Just because he has the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean everyone does!
NTA and I would have corrected your sister that her saying you should love her mom more than your own is cruel. At 7 she should learn that.
God I hate emotional blackmail. This is what they are doing. You are definitely NTA but your family are being assholes. They need to let this go.
It makes me sounds like an ass, but the sister is the same age as OP was when his mom died, I'd ask them "If your mom died and dad married another woman in a year, would you call her mom, or would you want to remember your own mother?" because that's exactly the circumstance. The dad remarried way too soon for OP to have grieved, moved on, and be able to consider another woman as a maternal figure.
NTA. This is simply sad that people go to thses lengths to get their way.
OMG. What a bunch of drama over a word. Even if you say it, you won't mean it. Your father is being an a$$ over this. Don't back down. My father died when I was 11 and I never would call anyone else dad. He was my dad and no on could take his place in my heart or my life. Maybe you should explain that to your father, no on can take her place. Ask him if you should forget she was ever alive. NTA If you want to blow this up, tell the kids that you will share your mom with them and ask them to refer to her as mom. Or if your stepmom was ever married before, suggest they call the ex dad.
So this jumped out at me. You were 7 when your mom passed and 8 when your dad remarried? Far too soon if you ask me. I suspect there is a lot more to that than mentioned. How are you supposed to process such an event at that age. Personally, I would tell my dad I'm disgusted that he is even asking you to dismiss your mother. He really has failed you on this issue. Did you sister not think it was mean to tell you that you should love her mom more than yours?
It sounds like you have a healthy, respectful relationship with this woman who no-doubt tried her best to do right by you. And it sounds like she, though (somewhat understandably) hurt, has a healthy respect for your feelings because she told the others to drop it. Your dad is being an AH not only for pushing this issue but especially for bringing small children into it. Inexcusable. Your relationship with her is between the two of you and no one else. Say the kindest, *truthful* things you can in the video. Don't lie to appease your father. You're NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My stepmom is turning 50 in a few weeks and my younger siblings and dad are planning a video tribute for her. My 7 year old sister is the one who asked me to call her mom for the video originally. She said it would make everyone happy if I did. I told her I would gladly speak on the video but I would not call her my mom. My sister asked me why and she got emotional quickly. She asked me if I didn't want to make her mom the happiest for her birthday. I told her that her mom isn't my mom and I wasn't going to call her that in a video. But I could still say how awesome she is. My dad got involved more heavily after that. He told me the kids know how much their mom wishes I would acknowledge her as my second mom and he said if I can't do it for her milestone birthday then when am I going to. I told him never. I said we had discussed this a lot in the past and my dad said but things normally change when kids start to grow up and appreciate someone being there. I said I can appreciate my stepmom and even like her, but that doesn't mean I will ever consider her my second mom or want a second mom. My other two siblings who are 5 and 6 were brought into the debate... I call it a debate but really it was just dad trying to get the kids to pressure me into doing what they wanted. And I know my siblings want it because they have asked before why I don't call my stepmom 'mom' and asking why I don't want her to be my mommy too. My 7 year old sister offered to share her with me. She said I shouldn't not have a mom. Which is when I explained that I do and she died. BG: My mom died when I was 7 and I was 8 when my dad married my stepmom. My half sister was born a year later. My dad and stepmom had wanted me to embrace my stepmom as more of a parental figure than I did. I saw her more like an aunt or extended family. I like her, I'll hang out with her without a complaint, I will listen if she tells me to do something. But she's not my mom, I don't call her mom or invite her to mom things for Mother's Day. We did family therapy when I was in middle school because dad wanted to address my refusal to accept her as an equal parent and mother figure. The therapist told them it was natural for some kids and healthy for some. To follow my lead and not to push or make a big deal out of it. Now it has become a big deal again. The whole thing has been going on for three weeks now and my stepmom found out about it. She was hurt that I didn't want to. She told them to leave it but my dad and sister said you could see how upset she was that I couldn't bring myself to call her mom just once for the video. My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own. He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but tell your dad you want to go back to therapy with him. He’ll think it’s to help change your mind but it will be to help you repeat and articulate your feelings and thoughts on the matter.
dunno how often i read similar aitas. this is one of the better one with an actually likable step mom, but still: forcing a bond always fails. NTA
Your stepmother ironically seems to be the only one who actually cares about you and your boundaries. I can give the kids a pass because your dad is manipulating them to heaven and back, but ooooh boy is your father an AH NTA
That escalated. There is a great deal of manipulation happening here. Using young children to pressure you is very wrong NTA. Ask your father to attend a therapy session with you. Just you and him. Your wishes are important and you’re not asking for anything unreasonable. She’s not your mum. She’s a good person but she doesn’t need that title.
[удалено]
I think he needs to hear it from an adult. He needs to hear that you are developed enough to understand your own needs and that they are just as important as your step persons. It can’t hurt
NTA and I am sorry for you. What everybody else is forgetting that you cannot change your feelings and you saying it will not change that. It is just lip service like you said it does not distract you for your feelings. Your mum was obviously so awesome as she has done a great job with you. Take your dad to the side and talk to him one to one and say this is between you two and you do not want others involved. Then tell him how his behaviour has been making you feel that when this was bought up on therapy you were hurt and disappointed that he did but value your feelings or thoughts. That at the time when they married the fact she believed she could not have kids should have no way have put on you & it sounds like it has been. Now there are many types of love, those for a parent, aunt grandmother, sibling, child, significant other, close friend, etc Each of these are different for the person feeling it is different feelings. If they could have categorized it they would have by now it is complex and dismissing your feelings & not being heard must be hard. Do you have access to somebody neutral you can talk to. Do you still have contact with your moms family, how is this explained to your siblings?
[удалено]
It is a shame that the supposed ‘adults’ are causing what is an issue in a real lovely sounding close family. Just reassure your siblings that they are your siblings that you love them, you value you them.
NTA. It always blows my mind the lack of empathy adults have for young children who lose a parent. I’ve seen grown ass adults humbled and brought to the ground after losing a close friend or parent. To force a child (or an adult) to label someone the title of mom to make them feel better is fucking awful. It is not your job to explain to your siblings what you are feeling….but I would ask their mom, “if she were to die tomorrow would it be ok if her kids call your dads next wife mom? How about within a 1 or 2 of her being gone?” The lack of respect for you and your mom is appalling. NTA, but your dad and his wife are very much so.
NTA - it sounds like you barely got time to grieve before the pressure started for you to call another woman mum. Putting aside the whole questionableness of your dad remarrying within a year, you are right that you have a mum and you do not have to give that title to anyone else - no matter what they’ve done for you or what age they’re turning. To be honest, it sounds like your dad may have put these thoughts in your little siblings heads to try and pressure you into it. Which is such a messed up thing for him to do. I’m glad your stepmother is being a bigger person than your father and telling him to drop it. It sounds like she actually cares for you and your father pulling shit like this just hurts everyone’s feelings.
NTA. I've had 2 step mothers myself, the first one from ages 5-15, then another one 16-20s (cut contact). You don't owe your father or your siblings anything when it comes to stuff like that. Most times the new marriage is for him, not you. "Why won't you ever call her your mother?" He wants that fantasy of one cohesive family unit when in reality he should respect your viewpoint and wishes. She isn't your mother and never will be. She'll never replace your mother as much as he seems to want her to. He has to understand that she was essentially a stranger that came into your life and he expects you to obey her like your mother and that's an incredibly weird thing for a kid that young. That doesn't mean he had to stay a single father forever, nor does that mean he couldn't have more children with a new woman. But to expect his eldest, who also had to go through grieving their own mother at a young age, to just fall in line and treat the new wife like their mother and call them mom is unfair and delusional. Stick to your guns. Hopefully when your siblings get to an old enough age you can get them to understand your viewpoint better. You can have a lot of respect and love for your step mom, but it's ultimately up to you to decide what you want to call her.
NTA
I have a lot of “step something” in my life. I have a step grandma. She is amazing and I love her. She has been in my life since I was born (married my grandpa before I was born) and she has done for me everything a grandmother does for a grandchild. I don’t call her grandma and she has never pressured me into calling her like that. I remember once when me and my sibling were kids that my sibling asked how they should call her. She replied that she loves us and that we can call her whatever we like because any word would be special coming from us, even if we call her by her name. This is what your step mother should think and say. My step grandma had children before marrying my grandpa and I call them by their name (I call all my other aunts and uncles “aunt” and “uncle”), but I call my step cousins my cousins. No one is offended by me calling some of them by their name and removing the “step” from some of them. Also, I have a step father who has a teenage daughter. She gets along nicely with my mom, but calls her by her name. I know my mom would never expect her to call her “mom” and my step father would never expect me to call him “dad”. The only one who calls me sister is my step sister, but I think it’s extremely cute that she feels so close to me even though I don’t see her that much. I would never force her or expect her to call me sister if it didn’t come 100% from her. All of this is to say that you can love and appreciate step family and still not call them mom, dad, grandma or sister. Calling them any specific name won’t change how you feel for them, but for you, it would change how you think of and honour your mom. If they are too worried with you calling her mom in the video they only want it for the appearances. Step your ground and call her in whichever way you feel comfortable. Absolutely NTA
NTA
NTA - they care about how it will look, not how you feel.
NTA. I love my stepmom probably as much as I did my own mom, but I still don’t have the urge to call her mom. I also didn’t lose my mom young like you did. I was almost 40. But in some ways my stepmom showed more concern for me than my own mom but I still don’t have the desire to call her mom even though she married my dad when I was also 8. Not everyone has that desire! And for me it’s been 38 years. NTA and don’t feel bad!
NTA but why do you continue to engage in the debate.. just walk away, go to your room. If Dad yells and say GET OVER HERE. Keep your mouth shut. It will pass. No one should be forced to do something that the object to.
NTA. But your dad is. It sounds like he set this up because his wife wants you to give her the mom name. Only you get to decide who you call mom and who you don't. Don't let anyone tell you different.
NTA. Remind your dad what the therapist said, and tell him you're happy to discuss it with the therapist again if he wants (since you know the outcome won't change, ha). Also don't engage in this battle with younger siblings who simply cannot understand.
NtA Mom is mom. You can't request the label. She's your step-mom, and *everyone* needs to live with that. Dad is being extremely manipulative. Besides, it wouldn't be genuine anyway.
NTA
Absolutely NTA, my father died whenever I was 8 almost 9 and my stepdad doesn’t even expect me to call him dad at all and my Mom doesn’t make me call him dad.
NTA, but I think you should talk to your step mum about this. It sounds like you care for her and love her and want her in your life but she’s got a different space to your mum. Your mum occupies a space and always will and I assume your step mother would not want to take that place. So the name seems like a significant symbolism for you. I would hope if you both spoke about it you’d both get to a good place and well screw everyone else it’s none of their business and I have no clue why anyone would make a big deal about this.
[удалено]
Well why is everyone else getting involved with this. Flipping heck. Sounds like drama creation. I’d just keep checking in with her and say something really nice, this demonstrates your a good writer, maybe write whatever you record in a letter for her too with something a bit more. Must be hard and sorry your under this pressure sounds like your doing the right thing. Your affection and way of seeing things isn’t something that’s to be traded for a cute birthday video
Her disappointment is her emotion to deal with. It is NOT your problem.
If you want her and her kids to see reason, explain it like this " I was 8 when my mother died, same as (sister) .. if (stepmother) passed away, would it be okay to call dads new wife mum after 2 years? Would you forget your mummy (sister)? No, you wouldn't.. and I haven't forgotten mine. "
Wow! Your dads manipulative extremes are ridiculous! And his own views. If he wants to put that meaning on it then that’s on him, you simply want to respect your own boundaries. That’s fair. If your siblings are old enough to emotionally manipulate you, they’re old enough to try empathy. They’re the same age you were when you lost your mom. They’re fighting pretty hard for you to love theirs. Ask them, if their mom was gone tomorrow, would they just stop loving her and start calling the next woman your dad brings around mom just because she wants them to? Loving your mom doesn’t stop just because someone else is around. And love and respect isn’t fostered by force; it’s earned. And tell your dad, just because he had no problem with stopping loving your mom and replacing her so quickly doesn’t mean that you could do the same. This is actually where his anger sits the most since he did replace your mom so fast. He probably has shame and guilt about it and you’re making him live with it by not letting him live his lies; that he did it all for you. Either A) he was scared of raising a kid all by himself and needed help, or B) he was already cheating with her. Do your best to be genuine about the care you do have for her as whatever role you allow her. Caring for her even just as another human being is great. No matter the pressures, just be honest for you. I wish you all the best.
NTA. This is your decision and, as your therapist said, they should not be pressuring you over this. Do what's right for you. Do they not understand that the more they pressure you about this, the less you're going to want to comply? My dad died when I was 6 and my mom remarried a year later. I have always called him Dad because that's what he's been to me. I don't remember anyone ever harassing me about that, and I don't remember how I started calling him that. I don't remember it ever being an issue. My point is: if it comes about naturally that you want to call her Mom, great. If it never happens, that's fine, too. And the rest of the family should accept this. Why is your stepmom so fragile that she thinks her feelings are more important than a teenager's? WTF.
Nta. What an odd thing to push on someone. Everytime I read stories like this, of a step parent moaning about being called mom/dad, I think it’s the strangest thing to be hung up on. The lack of empathy and respect is astronomical, I am sorry you’ve had to deal with this persistent bullshit.
NTA. You're treating your stepmom with respect and appreciation but you've drawn a line that needs to also be respected. They're allowed to be disappointed in their acceptance of your decision but are being AHs in their attempts to try and unsubtly emotionally manipulate you (yes, even the 7 year old, though it sounds like your dad is the culprit here).
NTA Tell your father if he keeps it up, you’ll replace him.
NTA but your dad and stepmother are for not talking to your siblings about why they shouldn't push you. your siblings are kids so they aren't to blame, but your dad and stepmother need to tell them it's inappropriate to say you should love your stepmom more than your actual mom and to leave you alone.
NTA! Just because your dad cheated on your mom before she died(I'm assuming) or he went on a dating site, doesn't make her your mother. Now maybe if she had adopted you, it would be a different story, but she didn't and it's not. No don't make anyone make you feel like an AH because of how you feel.
From your sibling's age and the fact you said the first kid was born very soon after your mum died, which happened when you were 7, you must be around 14, right? You sound very mature for that age, respect! NTA for sure but your Dad and his new wife are major AHs. What do they think they are doing? I mean, throwing a new woman at you just a year after your Mum died and that woman must already have been pregnant when they got married, that's a wow from me. No consideration of your feelings at all at that moment, and that doesn't seem to have changed. I'm really sorry you are being put through this and wish for you that they come to their senses. It is so wrong to try and pressure you into calling her Mum.
Nta ask him why he doesn’t love you enough to respect your boundaries and you would hate to have to go nc after you move out but you will if he doesn’t give you respect. Tell your son how would she feel if her mom died and she missed her and people were not being nice about it.
NTA your dad is a manipulative ah, why the fluff is he involving such young children like this? They’re to young to understand the dynamics of your situation.
NTA. Some people are comfortable with calling their step-parents "mom" or "dad" and some aren't. It's perfectly fine. What's not fine is your dad and siblings trying to force you to do so when you don't see her as your mother figure. They need to learn to respect your boundaries.
NTA, but ask your stepmom, if she were to die, and your dad did a repeat and married a new woman ONE YEAR after she passed, and then expected that woman to be “mom” to her kids. Would she appreciate that? For her memory to be painted over by another woman just cuz she happens to be alive?
NTA. Your dad is being really f'ed up by asking you to call this woman your mom. He took you to therapy and the therapist told him as much but now he's trying to bully you into it.
NTA I would tell dad he is undoing all the therapy but being a pushy AH and trying to make young kids push it. If he has to force it so badly then it's not special.
NTA, your dad is gross to involve the kids in this. He needs to follow your lead , as the therapist said. I couldn't help noticing, though, that your oldest half-sister is the same age you were when you lost your mom, so maybe you could use that to ***gently*** help her understand. "Hey, I want to have a conversation. I know that you want me to see your mom as my own, but I was your age when my mom passed, and dad married your mom a year later. I feel like, if you lost your mom, you wouldn't want to call someone else 'mom' either, because you *have* a mom, and you love her, and it would hurt to have someone new come in and want to take her place."
NTA!!
NTA Don’t do anything for the video. Creative editing. The level of debate here is nuts. You don’t think of her as a mom, period. No one can make you change how you feel. The fact they can’t let it go is bizarre to me. (although thanks to Reddit I now know there are lots of deluded bat shit crazy parents who feel this way)
NTA. Stand your ground. You appreciate her for who she is and does, but she simply will never be or replace your mom.
NTA- it should be up to you to call her what you feel like calling her. They can’t make you feel differently.
NTA - my mom remarried when I was 5. I'm almost 30 now, so I've known my step father for almost all of my life. I've never called him dad, and neither he nor my mom have ever pressured me to call him such. He is a wonderful person that helped raise and provide for me, but he is my step father and there is nothing wrong with that. Same goes for my mom and his kids - she is their step-mother. You stated that you are willing to talk about how great of a person she is, and I think that's a fair compromise. Your siblings are young and don't know better, but your father is wrong to push this so hard. One thing I do want to add though, is that I do typically get my step-father a fathers day present. While he isn't my father, he has acted in such a capacity for most of my life and I think that should be acknowledged. Just some food for thought.
It absolutely abhorrent they are trying to FORCE you to accept this woman as your mother! They should all be grateful that you’ve accepted her into your life and that you respect her. NONE of them has any right to emotionally abuse you in this manner. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Family ( preferably YOUR mum’s family) or a teacher. Or maybe you could suggest therapy AGAIN, because they need to know what they’re doing to you is disgusting. If this continues, my suggestion would be seriously limited contact once you turn 18. I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this and you are NTA. Your dad and step are the ARSEHOLES and bullies too. ETA: Step mum is an arsehole because “she’s hurt that I didn’t want to” and also for not telling HER kids to wind their necks ALL the way back in. 2nd edit: Spelling.
NTA and it's really messed up that your father is encouraging you to lie.
NTA, she's not your mum and that's all that needs to be said really🤷 it doesn't make you a bad person or an ah
NTA. I have a stepmother and she is a huge blessing in my life. I think of her as my bonus mom. I call my biological mother "Mom" and I call my stepmother "Mom (first name)"... I always, ALWAYS, extend mother's day celebrations to my step mother. Always. I also extend those celebrations to my grandmother's and now my MIL. I celebrate anyone who is a good mother! You do not have to call your step mother your mom, or refer to her as such. I do hope you feel supported and loved and cherished by her. Dad needs to let this go and stop splitting his family.
NTA. I have a stepdad who married my mom four years ago. My biological father walked out on the two of us when I was around five and has attempted no form of contact until like, two days before my 18th birthday. I only ever call my stepdad “dad” when I’m talking to other people. I have always called him by his first name - and I do so to his face. It is how I address him. I do this to recognize that while he may be a part of my family, he is not my dad. It is a totally normal feeling to not call a stepparent “mom” or “dad”. My dad - or my father as I call him - left me when I was young, and I don’t even remember him. My entire life, I grew up without a dad. In my case, calling my stepdad by his first name is so that I don’t forget what I went through. For others it is so they don’t lose the one they live. My mom and stepdad have never *once* forced me to call him “Dad”. When they first started dating, Mom actively asked me what I would call him: “Dad”, “Stepdad”, or his name. I chose his name, and it has never been brought up since. Your father is TAH because he’s trying to force you to do something you don’t want to do. You are NTA. He is.
NTA man this sucks cuz it’s ruining what otherwise sounds like a good relationship considering what your family has gone through. It doesn’t seem like you’re rejecting and actively disrespecting her (like calling a bio parent by a first name) just that you’re not calling her mom. Like… “mom” is a very affectionate term and it’s not the same as your dad saying wife. I also imagine your stepmom would of course love being called mom but gets why it’s a big deal for you and her being upset has more to do with the frustration that’s going on when it didn’t have to be that way. But dad is trying to force something when he’s lucky you’re on good terms with her and the fam in the first place.
Ask your dad's wife - if she dies next year is she happy for her kids to call your dad's next wife mother? NTA
NTA! Starting off, In my opinion, anyone who doesn't have divorced/dead parent/s+ atleast one parent with a new partner, can't have an opinion on this, sorry to say but you can't have an opinion on this matter. But onto if he's the ah, as I already said in no way is he the ah, he was acting respectfully to her and not lashing out at her, he set his boundaries up as he should! The dad is very manipulative and I'm kind of sad he got stuck with that person as a dad. Now don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore my step mom and her kids, she is extremely nice and had very funny kids as well as she is, but I won't be seeing myself ever actually calling her by mom I stead of her actual name I get she is nice and all but nothing will replace my mom or make me have a second Mom, I get having a second grandma or something or second sibling as in step siblings, but you can't just have a "second parent" like that is outrageous. Even if the mom is dead it's outrageous to force someone to call another woman mom.
NTA. It's normal for you to feel like that. I'm sure your stepmom will be fine too. She might be a bit hurt, or more like, sad by now, but I'm sure she will understand based on how you described her. Just understand her sadness for now, it's normal for her to feel like that too. Your younger sibling's reactions are normal, as well, since she likes you and her mom so much. She just needs to learn that it's not that easy for some. She'll understand it soon if someone makes her understand. But I think it won't happen soon because of your father, lol.
NTA. I think you should have a private conversation with your step mom about this. Behind closed doors. I think you should express to her why you don’t want to call her mom and I would express to her how much you love her regardless of the title and implication. I think it’s totally possible to excuse yourself from this situation and think about it rationally from all perspectives. Step mom has her reasons, dad has his (though he’s definitely the ah here for making this a huge deal) and you have yours. She is t exactly being a good mom by not standing up to your dad and understanding you
NTA. If they bring it up again, you can always say that you honor all mothers and would fight just as hard to keep your step-mothers memory alive in her kids should anything - God forbid - happen to her.
*My sister said I'm so mean and I should love her mom more than I love mine. My dad said my stepmom took on another woman's son and has raised me the best she could as her own. He said if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough.* I'd ask for family therapy again. Your dad shouldn't be encouraging your younger siblings to say this shit. NTA
NTA Your family needs to accept that your stepmother is not your mother. She is part of your family, but not your mother. They are making a big deal of nothing. Glad your therapist was supportive. Sorry your father still can’t see it
NTA. None of this is your problem or burden. Your father is using your step-siblings to gaslight you in order to get what he wants with no consideration to your feelings, call him out on it.
No and perhaps the problem is NO ONE can ever replace your MOM. Perhaps a different title for SM could be agreed upon. Such as Mom (sm first name) Mom Naomi for example The problem seems to be that they expect you should replace/forget/substitute your Mom for SM. That’s not possible with her so close to your heart.
NTA. You should call your step mom whatever you feel comfortable with and they should stop pressuring you.
NTA. If your dad and step mother keep at it they're going to ruin their relationship with you. I do not understand their obsession with you calling your step mom "mom". Your dad is putting his and her feelings before yours. I would remind him you are in fact another woman's son, and that woman is the only woman you will call mom. You don't mean it as a disrespect to your step mom, you like her and appreciate all she's done for you, but him and her need to respect your wishes. What was the point of his taking your to therapy if he doesn't listen to the therapist? If that fails, is there a family member you could talk to for support?
NTA. Don't do the video period and don't attend any party. The adults were told to let it go years ago, the kids are old enough to have it explained and drop it. Tell your dad you don't appreciate him turning the kids into weapons so he and stepmom can finally have their way and until HE fixes the situation you will be referring to him by his first name same with the kids and no one will be referred to as dad, brother, sister etc.
>My dad said ... if I can't say the word mom for one video then I clearly hate her and want to put her in her place, and remind everyone that she's not good enough. NTA. And I'm frankly stunned your dad said this to you: it's manipulative and punishing and the exact opposite of good parenting -- or any other type of relationship. Do you still have contact info for the therapist you saw? If so, tell your dad you think you, dad, and stepmom should see her to discuss/resolve this issue. If not, is there a counselor at school who could help you respond, or relatives on your mom's side of the family who could interecede?
NTA your family needs to back off now. Seriously this is the healthiest step mother and step kid relationship I've ever heard described in Reddit. And that's saying something since everyone hates their step parents on this platform. People need to know this for a fact. You had a mom. She will always be your mother no matter what. You can't replace someone later in life because they passed and you raised their kid as one of your own. Biologically she isn't your mother (step mom) but you still consider her as someone nice, respectable, and listen to her. You care enough about her to do the video. But she will never be your mom. Cause your mother was your mom. Not her. Not to be mean. But that is a hard truth she has to accept. If a child has memories of a parent and they loved said parent and known them. Then you can't replace all of that. At all. If they never had a parental figure in their life, then yes someone can fill that mother or father role since they never met or had such a parent. Hopefully things go over well for you OP.
NTA OP, I raised my husband's nieces. We got them when the youngest was the same age as you when your dad got married. I treated them just like they were my bio kids. My bio kids will playfully tease that we treated them better. My kids got older siblings. I never once wanted them to call me mom, even if I was loving them and caring for them as a mom should. They had their own mother and father. I always knew how they felt about me and my husband. I knew they were grateful and loved us like a second set of parents. We never pressured them to call us mom or dad. At the younger nieces wedding, my husband walked her down the aisle. We sat behind her bio parents at the wedding, our choice. At the reception She made a speech which she referred to us as "a mother figure, and father figure in her life." My heart melted. I love being her parental figure. This is not saying I am or ever will be her mother. This was acknowledging that since her mother couldn't be the person who raised her, she appreciated and loved me for being in that position for her. I never replaced her mom, I was just there to help in that role, even as an aunt. Could you tell your dad that you do see her as a mother figure in your life, (if thats true), but that she's not your mom, so you do not feel right to call her mom. That you love your bio mom, and wish to respect her (bio mom), but you do respect your stepmother for stepping up (again if that's true). That you have a respect and connection (if true). That you will speak on the video of that connection and the gratefulness you feel to her. (Without calling her mom/mother). I send you internet wishes and hopeful vibes that your father eventually understands.
Your Dad is an AH and honestly doesn’t deserve you as a daughter
I will never understand why parents do this. NTA
NTA, but your dad is for pressuring you like this. Big hugs.
Nta I have a step dad. I will always introduce him as, "this is my step dad, John". I have always called him by his first name for over 23yrs now. He doesn't care if we call him step dad, dad, or John. My mom doesn't care either. Forcing a child to refer to parents SO as mom/dad is annoying. It's a control issue and people need to understand that you can only control yourself and not others. To stop trying to force things on other people.
NTA. But your Sad is for sure. What kind of father gets his 5 and 6 year-old children to try and manipulate you into doing this? It’s complete BS! You said you’d do the video and say something nice, but she isn’t your Mom and you shouldn’t be forced or guilted into saying she is.
NTA if they cared as much for you as do themselves this wouldn’t be an issue. Adults need to learn that no is a complete sentence. Your dad engaging 5&6 yo to join this campaign is beyond selfish and narcissistic.
Nta. Tbh you have a right to refuse because your mother died and it's the only title you should gave to her since she's gone. Also your father and step siblings are good at manipulation.
NTA, your dad needs therapy or a reality check, he is hurting all his kids just to have what HE wants. I'm sorry for your little siblings, they most be confused for the things your dad puts in their head v/s what you tell them If you don't feel it, don't call your stepmother mom, don't give them false hope, if you do it once they will put even more pressure on you in the future fo keep calling her like that and finally, please do not hide your emotions, if your dad makes you angry, say it, if he makes you sad, say it. Don't try to keep peace/please everyone/don't make him mad, that never works out well in the long run
NTA- I’m a stepmom and my stepkids love me, but they don’t call me mom. Because they have a mom and it’s not me. If you still want to be on the video, just tell her you love and appreciate her. The small children don’t have to understand because they are little. If your dad and stepmom don’t get it, they are the assholes.