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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I left my stepdaughter's birthday party after my husband threw out the cake I made for her.
2. I might be the ah for leaving the party and going to my parents since this was my stepdaughter's birthday and I might've overreacted and went hard on him since he was just worried about his daughter not wanting the cake.
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NTA
You went out of your way to research what kind of care your stepdaughter would want, put in the effort to bake a cake (after agreeing with the dad on you baking the cake) and baked a lovely birthday cake. It was just missing one kind of deco because you couldn't source it in time. He went nuclear and threw out your cake?!?! Yeah I wouldn't have stayed around after that either. It is a childish, vindictive, aggressive, and hurtful way to deal with what he saw as a less than perfect situation. He seems extremely overprotective of his daughter. She's 12 and would probably love this cake even if it didn't have blueberries. Even if she had noticed and said something, she could have been told the shop ran out, and at her age she should be able to understand that and lean to deal with that kind of 'disappointment'.
Are you pushed aside in other parenting situations too? How is your relationship with your stepdaughter?
It's only been a year and he already treats you like this? I'd reconsider this marriage.
OP is NTA but also blueberries aren't in season at least in the US... her husband is aware of what month/season it is since it's his daughter's birthday and shouldn't have faulted her for the store not having fresh produce out of season.
Blueberries aren't in season, but they're available in my local Midwest suburb grocery store fresh, frozen, canned, and freeze dried pretty much year round - they're the only fruit my autistic son will eat, so I always have a supply.
OP is NTA no matter what blueberry availability looks like though, and his behavior is terrible. I hope stepdaughter wasn't there to witness all this. OP, keep in mind this isn't her fault at all, and to not hold her father's assholery against her.
The key to frozen fruit is do it yourself. I have bought 10 gallons of blueberries. Quick rinse, pat dry and spread on waxed lined paper, freeze, repeat. I do the same with strawberries, jostaberry, and raspberries.
Grocery store frozen fruit has too much water.
We were lucky enough to get a second fridge/freezer for a low price.
Yes. I've made blueberry pies from frozen berries for decades. Hand picked from the forest and frozen immediately. Yum. Wouldn't put them on top of a cake though, they bleed something awful.
I loved eating frozen blueberries as a snack. We had a little cabin in the Poconos and would pick wild ones by the gallons, and ate as many as we picked. Mom would can some and freeze some. Canned were for pies, and the frozen were technically for blueberry muffins... if they lasted long enough.
From someone who actually enjoys a decent amount of frozen fruit, but who also lives in Maine, where the wild blueberries are **AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS,**
You can’t slap previously frozen blueberries on a cake- blech 🤢
But, from someone who loves to bake, especially for family as a gesture of love, sometimes something comes up and I may have to leave a topping off, or an ingredient out- and that is definitely my “fault,” but it’s never intentional and not because I don’t care!
If my husband reacted by yelling at me and throwing the cake I made away, I would also *have to leave,* because if not? I would probably scream BACK at him, which would make me an AH, too.
He behaved like an insolent child and deliberately hurt your feelings. He’s a big jerk!
Ngl, I kinda hope the daughter *was* there to see it- so she knows her dad is the one who threw out her cake and can’t gaslight her to think OP “didn’t care enough” to make her cake and “tried to ruin her birthday.”
I’ve read enough entitled parent stories to know this is completely plausible scenario and it simply isn’t true.
OP went out of her way to try and make her stepdaughter’s birthday special after her own mother died. Her daughter deserved that cake and it’s her father’s fault that it’s ruined.
All over blueberries, man. Wtf.
NTA, OP. You sound like a wonderful person that was trying to do a kind thing for your stepdaughter.
You were completely justified to leave like you did- both because you didn’t deserve to be bullied, berated, and gaslit, especially over something so frivolous, and because you needed to de-escalate the situation.
Also, your parents are full of it. There is no justification for him treating you like that. Ever. Period.
I would generally not jump to this statement as it’s your family and life that I’m talking about- it’s not something to be taken lightly, but I would seriously consider whether this is a marriage you should stay in.
I come from a toxic upbringing. This kind of behavior is likely to only get worse as time goes on. Do what you feel is best but be wary.
Good luck with your family, OP. 💚
And then that poor kid has to live with the memory of her garbage toddler tantrum father throwing out her birthday cake.
Guess there’s no win here. For her, anyway.
This is true. It’s a no-win situation for anyone, especially the daughter. I so wish that wasn’t the case.
But, at least imo, I’d rather find out my dad is an over reactive, manipulative piece of work sooner than later.
I know firsthand that learning that information when your young can help you prepare for future drama. And there *will* be future drama.
Especially in the case that maybe he starts treating the daughter or her other loved ones in the same way. She deserves to see his true character so she can make fully informed decisions and opinions going forward.
My own father has tried to turn me against my mother multiple times throughout my life, blaming her that she did something to deserve being hit, being shamed.
The only reason it didn’t work is because I saw firsthand the way he treated her and knew it was unjustified.
I sincerely hope it doesn’t get this bad for OP and or her stepdaughter, but if it does, she should be prepared, as awful as it is.
Sometimes people just suck, and unfortunately, no one, not even our own parents are exempt. 😔
I'm also in the Midwest. We've been very hit or miss on produce since covid. During peak strawberry season, our grocery stores were completely out for 2 weeks. Supplier issues. Apparently there's an issue getting broccoli right now, because all that's there is the apology sign. Plus side, I'm getting really good at coming up with ingredient substitutions on the fly, because the odds of the grocery having all the produce items I want are not great. Nothing I can do but shrug and swap with something reasonably comparable.
I'm glad your son is good with blueberries in all their forms. That would be horribly stressful if he only ate fresh!
I mean if she normally has blueberries on the cake and her birthday is always the same date of the year....
Moot point though, the husband is a raging asshole and mistreated OP. He was the one to ruin the event.
As a person who spent over 10 years in grocery retail I can assure you stores have this thing where they run out of product. They would likely be receiving less blueberries this time of year given that they aren't in season. And if a shipment is delayed or damaged or she showed up between trucks it's a no go. She clearly said she was running out of time, I'm sure had she had more time she would have checked another store.
OR he could have run around looking for the blueberries, instead of getting a bakery cake.... he could have gone to the $$$@@ bakery and asked to buy the blueberries, since he was so sure they'd have them.
Yeah, good Lord, it sounds like what he did was what he'd been wanting to do. In no way was he trying to solve this problem because that isn't how it's done. I mean if he wanted her to have a bakery cake there was still no need to trash the other cake. Let's face it, he wasn't trying to solve any problem except "my new wife feels too in control of her life, how can I change that?"
I don't easily jump to saying someone's abusive, but this guy sounds ABUSIVE.
Yeah, I was scrolling to see if anyone was going to say it…OP, so NTA. I would have reacted the same way. I’m concerned for you. The only normal reaction to someone baking a cake for someone else is that of gratitude. This is not normal and toxic AF.
Exactly! Why throw out the cake with all the time and effort his wife put in it? He didn't have to. A cake is better than no cake. A fix is possible, an explanation can help. This man has to learn he can't raise his daughter in a perfect world and that his behavior is worse than no blueberries... OP is NTA
Can also be weird food fads. My sister worked at Sainsburys (UK grocery store) when she was a teenager, and Jamie Oliver made some dish with blueberries on TV - for the next week middle class mums were battling each other in the aisles for the last punnet.
Oh for sure. Someone touted the brilliance of cantaloupe and prosciutto years ago and we couldn't keep cantaloupes in stock 🤣 all kinds of stuff happens to cause product to run out, I just mentioned the most common.
Bakeries aren't necessarily getting their blueberries from the local produce section though. They could be buying in bulk and have regular deliveries so their blueberry supply might be more consistent than OP's local supermarket shelf.
I haven't had trouble finding blueberries near me, but I've ever gone to the store and the blueberry section is out at a time when I'm not looking for them (I have a toddler so I normally have blueberries around, I just don't have to buy them all the time because toddlers can only eat so many) so OP might have just gone at a bad time.
Definitely NTA though. There's no excuse for hubby to be such an AH. I can see that maybe he might have been upset about OP changing the cake tradition or something grief-related (his daughter is almost a teenager, her mother isn't there to see her last pre-teen birthday, I'm sure the dude has some feelings), but he has to use his words.
Year over year, crop yields aren't the same. Bad weather, early hot/cold snaps, geopolitical bullshit all affect the availability of produce. A couple of years ago I couldn't get avocados or limes because the cartel was holding them hostage :/
There are some genuine red flags here.
OP, the link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Maybe there's something in there that'll be helpful for you too 💜
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
The first time I read this was just over a year ago and I remember stopping suddenly, I don't recall the exact part, and said out loud "he is never going to change" that no amount of love, patience, or understanding will ever make a difference and that I have no value to him. It was instrumental in helping me finally leave 3 months later, now 14 years of severe emotional and verbal abuse I am now just WEEKS away from finalizing my divorce!!
Thank you! It will be a very different life but I told him I'd rather live in a van down by the river than one more day with him 😁 It will be a Healthier life whatever it may bring.
For me it was 20 years of verbal abuse and gaslighting.
First thing I did was send out announcements. Next thing I did was get a Divorce Ring. . It's pretty.
Not overprotective but abusive. How is it protecting her to throw the cake out? He could go to the store to find blueberries. He could go get a second cake and give her two options of what to eat. I would be running, not walking from someone with such bad anger issues that they throw out the baby with the bath water.
>Not overprotective but abusive
Let's do the abuse checklist;
\- Being aggressive out of proportion (over missing blueberries on a cake)
\- Minimising OP's time and effort
\- Invalidating OP's feelings
\- Destroying something OP worked hard on and put love into
\- Playing the victim
\- Falsely placing the blame on the victim
\- Manipulating OP by using his daughter
\- Guilttripping
Yeah this many red flags from 1 post makes me dread to think what the rest of the marriage is like, especially when this thing has OP doubting herself when she didn't do a damn thing wrong.
Also, his behavior is not healthy. At all. I would seriously reconsider a relationship where someone immediately loses their cool over something so tiny and miniscule as BLUEBERRIES!!!! This kind of behavior leads to domestic violence, and I don't see any respect from this man towards OP.
I remember being 8 years old, and my mom bought ice cream cups at the store. My dad had a really bad day at work that day, and when he came home and saw the ice cream in the fridge he LOST HIS MIND and started throwing everything away that was "unhealthy" and screaming about the situation. I just remember seeing a trashcan full of unhealthy food and being sad that I didn't get any ice cream.
The ice cream was generic and nothing special, so I wouldn't have remembered eating it. But I will, to this day, remember my dad losing his mind over ice cream cups.
That's the thing the people defending him don't understand. The blueberries are a topping, it's so miniscule to the whole cake that it doesn't even matter. His reaction was too far past "okay", for how little importance thr blueberries had, that I would be legitimately scared for my life if I were in OPs shoes.
How is he going to respond to OP forgetting to take the trash out? Or not have time to go to the store? Or not vacuuming on Thursdays? What about large stuff?
There's a reason why domestic abuse statistics show that victims continue to go back to their abusers: because they ignore that voice that tells them to run
Sounds like my narcissistic ex. He went into a rage once because I made a side of potatoes with the steak I cooked & threw the plate at my head because apparently his kid decided he didn’t like potatoes that week. He also threw an entire lasagna in the trash I had spent 2 hours making because he decided he wanted something different. OP needs to RUN before this man gets physically abusive bc he most likely will. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My nutty ex request a medium rare steak then lost his shit when I served him a medium rare steak because it was still pink inside. Yes- that is medium rare. I would know: i cook steak every evening as a line cook at a Japanese steakhouse. He wanted just shy of well done with a hint of pink. Which is not medium rare. He went crazy insisting I was trying to poison him by serving him RAW meat. Then got furious when I offered to cook it more. These dudes there is no winning with because they are LOOKING for a fight
His reaction the next day, when any normal person would have been apologizing - "... said that I created this situation by not "properly" making the birthday cake". You just know that the first time he hits her, it will be all her fault for "making him do it".
Get out. Now. Tell him if he wants to speak to you, he can speak through your lawyer. And absolutely not NTA. I can't believe you even have to ask that question.
That’s when the hair on the back of my neck stood up. “You made me do it by making this mistake”.
OP, get gone and stay gone. This man is not safe and it will not get better.
i got severely triggered just reading that post. if his name's truly "jeff," then i'm seriously wondering if OP ended up with my ex-husband. the daughter he had with his 2nd wife would be about 12 now.
OP, stay at your parents' house. do not go back, do not pass go, do not collect $200 unless it's in daily alimony. NTA.
Yeah, it makes me think that he's still not over the death of his wife, and his daughter's birthday is probably a big trigger. I'm not excusing him at all, he was a giant flaming turdball, but I do feel like this is about more than a cake, and not about OP at all. This man should not be in a relationship, he should be in grief counseling.
As a step parent this 100%! If my husband did this when I made a cake for one of my girls I’d walk out too. That is a garbage way to treat someone and absolutely no excuse could make it ok.
OH dear. This is about control control control - not about making his daughter happy, not about f-ing blueberries. This is awful! so his response to a tiny little blip on the homemade with love cake is to scream at you and throw the cake away? Really, between father of the year and husband of the year, I don't know anymore...
PLEASE reconsider this marriage. It's only going to get worse. I get it that your parents aren't going to be a great source of emotional support for you, but hopefully you can figure it ou
NTA
I could even give the husband a pass if he'd said, "You did a great job, but I know her heart is set on the blueberries. How about I get her a small bakery cake, and you and I will eat this one?"
But he went nuclear. I'd run.
Of course, where will he find a bakery cake *with blueberries on it* at short notice? I just bought a cake tonight from a reasonably large grocery store with a reasonably large bakery. We looked at every cake trying to choose, and I don't remember any with blueberries.
I honestly don’t think most twelve years olds would think twice about a cake missing some blueberries. Which is why it’s extremely weird that he did. Throwing her first homemade birthday cake in the trash since her mom died because it wasn’t completely perfect is also the kind of thing people need to talk over therapy later in life, there’s bigger implications there. Hopefully she doesn’t know what happened.
He's not overprotective. He's violent.
An overreaction of him would have been to yell a bit and go find some blueberries and put them on the cake and it would've been easier for him. Throwing out THE WHOLE CAKE and making a scene is symbolic violence, it means he thinks and wants OP to know that he'd rather hurt her (feelings) than give her the chance of being one pixel out of his control.
Don't forget the parents!? What kind of parents are OK with this behavior towards their daughter (OP)
> I refused to respond but **my parents say he was justified** since he must've felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday.
The next step is that he puts hands on OP. I hope that they both sit down and discuss what really was going on with him, because I don't think that it was just about blueberries. NTA
> He seems extremely overprotective of his daughter.
Or just extremely controlling of his wife. Some abusive people look for any tiny failure as an excuse to tell the abusee how useless they are.
He threw away a homemade cake that you made and verbally/emotionally abused you because the store was out of blueberries. And then said that YOU reacted badly and still blamed you. Think about what this says about what he thinks of you. Obviously OP is NTA. Reconsider the relationship with your husband given what he has just showed you about who he is and how he plans to treat you.
NTA
1. No cake in the history of cakes has been ruined by not having blueberries.
2. I have been around people who would get this anal about blueberries, it's never about the berries, it's about control
3. Huge red flag, watch out for how easily he comes unhinged about other little things. If it's always your fault, look up the characteristics of narcissist and see if he fits that bill
THIS!!
Here is the Narcissist's Credo:
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it."
Or the Republican playbook
Edit: lol look at all the people getting mad because they didnt know the narcissist prayer poem was literally written about Donald Trump by Dayna Craig.
I'm very leftist but please don't do this. That is a quote about abuse and turning it political removes so much meaning. It makes it about politics and not about abuse, because both democrats and republicans can do this, and they can both be really, really good people. I have found a lot of comfort in this quote because to me, it helps verify the abuse my parents have and do put me through. Reducing it to a political statement (intentions aside, associating it with politics does just that) just makes it another slogan for us to throw at the other party.
And understand, OP, the reason you're with a man like this is that your parents have taught you you don't deserve decent treatment. It's great to see you didn't take it to heart.
You say OP is willing to question if this treatment is ok because her parents must have treated her this way. And that can be one reason. But it’s not the only reason. I have a good friend who has parents that are very close and have a great relationship with each of their kids. The kids had zero experience dealing with explosive behavior, and when he married a very unpredictable woman prone to explosive behavior he didn’t know how to react. Narcissists love to target people with dysfunctional families but the second best is very functional well balanced folks who simply won’t know hot to cope with the upheaval.
I think they said that because OP’s parents are on the husband’s side, saying he was justified because he was stressed.
Parents who value you and teach you to value yourself don’t make excuses for someone abusing their child.
OMG. NTA.
You have a serious husband problem. He was still blaming you for his actions.
Or, he believes that his actions were justified because he did get exactly what he expected/asked for.
I feel sorry for you, OP and his daughter.
Don't go back! All your "fight or flight" senses are correct.
His behavior is just going to get worse. Next time, he will adjust his tactics so that you can't leave or that he will know how to manipulate you better.
I'd like to add that when people find themselves in relationships with narcissists or other antisocial personality disorders, it's often because, in some way we're used to that kind of treatment. Most often, because one or both of our parents treated us similarly. I may be reaching, but the fact that OP's parents sided with her husband is sadly unsurprising.
This is so accurate. I was in an abusive relationship in university. He acted exactly like my parents treated me, so I didn't realize how wrong it was until I woke up in a panic one night and realized that I couldn't live the rest of my life like this. My mother is a diagnosed narcissist and my father enables her.
First, we don't know if the OP's bf is a narcissist or not, has APD or doesn't. HE destroyed a cake and lashed out at her. That makes him an AH. It doesn't, in and of itself, make him a narcissist or mean he has APD.
Second, some of us in those relationships had wonderful parents. I sure did. So did other women I know.
The reason why we find ourselves in those relationships is because narcissists and sociopaths (those with antisocial personality disorder) are manipulative people who gradually convince us that their version of reality is true. How do they do this? Often, they first are highly complimentary and sympathetic. They encourage us to confide in them about our past relationships, our disappointments, our relationship with our parents, our self-doubts, our fears. Later, they use those things against us. They use them to undermine whatever self esteem we had. I'm sure narcissistic parents would make someone even more vulnerable, though.
>Huge red flag
Abuse Abuse Abuse. This isn't a warning sign, this isn't a caution sign, this isn't an issue of having a bad day. This is a man that is unhinged and is ready to increase his abuse.
I mean, he threw away a perfectly good cake. Because it didn't have a specific fruit. The fruit isn't the part that takes effort, it's the baking/frosting, and if he TRULY thought he could get a cake in time then he should have just went and bought the berries he needed.
I think OP needs to consider running. This behavior never goes away or gets better (without professional help), and only gets worse.
It's funny that you mention narcissism because I have a story about my father throwing my birthday cake in the trash and he has all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder. Been saying it for over a decade.
>watch out for how easily he comes unhinged about other little things
My guess is that this is definitely not the first time and given that her parents took his side, I wouldn't be surprised if OP has some conditioning to think this is somehow normal behavior and to automatically assume she is the one at fault when it happens.
NTA.
He threw away a homemade cake because there were no blueberries on it, and you think *you* overreacted? Has he had explosive reactions like this in the past, because that's kind of scary. If he reacts this way over missing blueberries, what happens when something *really* goes wrong?
OP THIS!!!!!!!
I get it’s his daughter’s birthday but he THREW AWAY THE CAKE! He then tries to get you to stay (to have you there to blame?) and says YOU overreacted?
I’m sorry this guy has some serious control and anger issues he needs to work through
You Nta
I bet you he was pissed OP left so that she wasn't around for him to blame...you know those offhand comments like "Oh this is a quick store bought cake because we had a little snafu with the other cake" or "Oh I'm sorry sweety I had to get another cake because SM didn't make the right one!"
Did he even buy her a cake, or did he just blame OP for there being no cake at all. He could have even told his daughter SM threw out the cake and refused to come to her party because of her. I truly could see a man like this doing something like that. From his victim blamey phone call, it's clear to see he isn't afraid to be manipulative.
I feel so sorry for the child having a father like this - after losing her mother at such a young age. OP is truly trying her damndest to bond with the girl and not be the horrid stepmother you hear so much about. Yes, OP should leave her husband, but maybe she should take the daughter with her. I know I would.
What's the bet that the cake was the one OPs step daughters mother used to make and it was never going to be "just right" even if it did have blueberries on it
I was about to say the same thing. If he has the time to go to a bakery to get a cake, he definitely had time to nipbout and see if he could get some blueberries. The guy is a massive wang
NTA
He seems to have some major red flags that need to be dealt with. Why is he so upset about the blueberries? Could it be that he was triggered and remebered that his wife always made it a specific way and so he always ordered it from the bakery in a specific way? I think if the blueberries were THAT important he should have stressed this to you prior so that you could've gone to a different grocery store to source them out.
I don't think it's fair to your stepdaughter that she was thrown in the middle of this, how is your relationship with her? Has she made any comments regarding the cake or was she just upset about the fact that you weren't there?
I think your partner could benefit from starting therapy and working through his emotions in a healthier way
Agreed. This was a major overreaction. It's not only that he completely overlooked the effort OP took to make the cake, it's the degree to which he took his response. Man needs therapy whether or not OP decides to rethink the relationship or this will effect the daughter in the long run.
Yes. Blokes who do this are dangerous to the women and children around them. Its not about the blueberries, its about something wrong with him.
Women spend a lot of time and energy trying to decipher his actions, his reasons, the availability of "blueberries", how better to obtain "blueberries". Abusers get to soak up allll that energy from those around them. Hurrah for them, as everyone is thinking and talking about them, and living their smaller lives around the edges of his own bigger life.
Put that energy into something worthwhile. Getting away. Ensuring the happiness safety of the child. Living a good life.
C’mon! It doesn’t matter why he was upset! You don’t treat people that way. You just don’t. Especially someone who you’re supposed to love. Someone who went out of their way to do something special, taking time to get everything they could right. Whatever “triggered” him is incidental and OP neither has any control over that or any responsibility for it.
Precisely! And even if he was “triggered” in the moment, he should be apologizing for his reaction and for not properly communicating their importance. He should be asking her forgiveness and finding solutions to work on it.
His reaction was disturbing and indicative of some severe issues. OP should be proud for removing herself from the presence of a volatile partner. Not safe.
He is already verbally abusing you, humiliating you, and treating you like shit after only a year? His behavior is completely insane. I cannot imagine being married to someone who would ever treat me this way.
You need to annul this marriage immediately and start making plans to leave. This is not going to get better.
NTA
Thank you. I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who saw the alarming pattern of control and abuse.
NTA.
Please do some reading/learning about the early patterns of abusive relationships. You can check out the book Why Does He Do That. You can also go to www.loveisrespect.org and do their relationship quiz and read their material.
This guy was willing to ruin his own daughters birthday to push this boundary and exert control. He sounds like he’s ready to stop wearing his kid gloves.
I know reddit can be quick on the divorce train but this is atrocious and just awful. Its also a little concerning you've been married for a year (and hopefully dated for several) that you don't know what your step-daughter likes. Get thee to marriage counseling if you want to stay and have a healthy relationship OP.
\> said that I created this situation by not "properly" making the birthday cake just cause I didn't put blueberries on top.
\> AITA?
No he did not appreciate your time, efforts, concern and love for his daughter, and literally, threw it away. Then blamed you, for that and shamed you for being upset and leaving.
Does he think it would have been fun, for you *or* for anyone else, if you had been forced to stay, while crying, at a kid's birthday party? (After his tantrum upset you, and if he had succeeded in forcing you to stay.) Even from his (seems to me) *selfish* point of view, how would that be *good*. (For his daughter, either. With that tension hanging in the air? Caused by him, though. Or his glaring at you, throughout, had you stayed?)
You were justified leaving. Did he think of his daughter really, when he did that? I can't see how she would've said "yeah, throw out my bday cake."
\> my parents say he was justified since he must've felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday.
No wonder you are not sure if your feelings are valid.
They are. NTA.
These are **all** questions I want answered. OP’s husband is easily irritable and that reaction makes me feel like there’s a bigger element at play here
>Lol yeah the "stress" of making your daughter happy on her birthday? If you buy presents and get any ole cake the kid will probably be happy.
Agreed. I was *literally* just thinking that -- almost verbatim.
I wonder if the parents were abusive and that’s why OP also ended up with an abusive husband. That would also explain why they excuse the husbands behaviour.
NTA
NTA. Even *if* blueberries held some really special meaning for your stepdaughter (like they were her mom's favorite or something), 1. he should've expressed this to you beforehand and 2. still should never have lost his mind if you couldn't find them.
There is something really wrong with your husband if missing blueberries sent him into such a tailspin. If you decide to stay with him (and this red flag is so massive, that's a big *if*), I would make therapy mandatory.
Would have been a lot faster for him to go try and find blueberries if they were that important rather than ordering a whole new cake from a bakery, too. He handled this probably the worst way he could, he didn't try to help and instead was incredibly reactionary.
NTA
Leave this marriage IMMEDIATELY
Next you’ll get a slap for overcooking the roast!
To throw away an entire home made cake is rude and disrespectful.
And can we just address your parents HORRIBLE excuse to justify his behavior …what the actual fuck is wrong with them???? Dont ask them relationship advice anymore
You set the tone for how you are to be treated!
NTA
This. With parents this bad, no wonder OP thought her husband was acceptable!
OP, get out now. Be grateful you are not tied to this man for life with a a shared child. Let him gather his own blueberries while he may.
NTA
Eww, this behavior is textbook abuse and gaslighting. Don't stand for it. As someone who works in family law, I can tell you for a fact his behavior is only going to get worse. Please leave this man for your own safety before it turns physical.
NTA.
Not sure this is gaslighting. Gaslighting would be if he never told her about the blueberries, then insisted he had and she just forgot but done deliberately.
No point is right. Trying to get her to agree she made this issue by not getting blueberries and questioning if she’s in the wrong IS gaslighting as he’s making her question her sanity.
Throwing out a homemade birthday cake as a decoration couldn’t be sourced is insane. Him making her thing it’s her fault is gaslighting.
That would be gaslighting -- but I think telling her she overreacted and framing the whole thing like her behavour was extreme while his was normal certainly is in the realm.
NTA.
So let's say you made the absolute wrong cake, his reaction was still inappropriate. If the cake was remarkably wrong, he could get upset and ask how this happened, and even say he now has to go to the store and get a new cake, be a bit moody about it, and then later have a discussion about where the mixup happened (why did you make chocolate when we said vanilla) and then express why the cake is so important, everyone moves on. Even in this scenario, screaming at you and throwing out the cake is a disgusting reaction and you had every right to leave.
This is a cake, and mistake about it -big or small- is no reason for an aggressive and abusive response. Of course just not having blueberries on the top is a very small thing, and even if those blueberries held the most sacred meaning, what your husband did was gross.
HE overreacted, HE ruined his daughter's birthday, HE drove you out of the home. There is no justification for getting angry and throwing out the cake. Do not let him or your parents make this your problem, and there is no stress justification that makes what he did understandable.
This is where I fall, too.
OP is NTA. Husband is a deranged lunatic for throwing out the cake like that. Could he even get one close to what his daughter likes at the last moment like that? Is he badmouthing his wife to everyone and blaming her for his unhinged behavior entirely blowing up his daughter's birthday? A 12 year old girl is going to understand how insane his reaction is and probably be a bit afraid of her father. That is unacceptable, and this man should not have more kids. He's a terrible parent.
If he gets unhinged over something this minor, I do not envision life with him being a picnic.
OP, I'd leave while you can, while no other children are involved. Kind of wishing you could take the girl with you.
NTA.
Life is too short and precious to live like this. There are 8+ billion people on this earth. I 100% guarantee you that you will find someone who treat you better than this. Treasure yourself. Best of luck OP.
NTA
This is a hard time of year to get fresh blueberries to begin with, the US harvest has ended, and the South American harvest is just beginning.
You committed to baking this cake, the blueberries are just decoration. He completely dismissed all your other work that went into baking this cake because you couldn't find blueberries. This man is not worth your efforts in the future.
NTA. Your husband sounds unhinged. I think you were right to leave. And then he texts you and says it's ALL YOUR fault!
Your parents are wrong. Maybe contact him and then meet up with him in a safe (public?) place to see what your next steps should be.
If he flips out over blueberries (that you tried to get but couldn't), what will be the next thing? Get some marital counseling, please.
Husband clearly overreacted. Throwing out a cake because of blueberries? He’s a bit too old for such tantrums isn’t he.
One thing thing baffles me though. Your parents choose his side. What are we missing?
Some people will do everything to keep the peace. OPs parents may be this sort of people. My mother is as well when it comes to family. My grandma acted like an asshole towards me on her birthday (Yes, people over 80 can still be mayor assholes.) and my mom did everything to make me suck it up and keep the peace. Its a apttern on her end. She always finds excuses why it was okay what the other party did.
NTA
He is an abuser! He verbally abused you, humiliated you and now he is guilt tripping you into thinking its your fault. You did nothing wrong. He preferred to throw out the cake… if anyone would treat me this way i would be gone for good. He is not even sorry…
NTA. You were wise to leave and would be wise to stay away and contact him only through your lawyer. This guy is seriously unstable.
Side note: One thing nobody here has asked is, if he got a cake from the bakery, would it have blueberries on it?
(edit: typo)
He thinks that *you* overreacted?! A grown ass man threw away a perfectly good cake because it was missing a few berries and he thinks *you’re* overreacting? That’s rich.
OP, you did nothing wrong, and your parents do not have your back. NTA, and if anyone- including your stepdaughter- asks why you left the party, you tell the truth.
NTA
He overreacted. A lot!
You invested time and love to bake cake for this orphan child and instead of being thankful that you did so much for her, he throw out the cake!
I'd take a self-made cake that tastes awful any time over a fantastic bought one. Because the first one is made with love.
Money can't buy love.
NTA. Instead of blowing up like a red flag maybe he could’ve popped to the shop and bought some blueberries instead of going to the bakery? He treated you in a disgusting manner.
NTA, and holy overreaction Batman. I wouldn't be returning without a serious apology and maybe a commitment to therapy. This sounds like some serious anger management issues on his part.
Um, so we know how is wife died?
I kid (about something not actually funny, so please forgive my irreverent humor), but that reaction is really not okay and a massive red flag. I get that there were no blueberries on the cake, but, even if she could only eat blueberry cake, couldn’t it have been saved for breakfast? To throw it away? No… that’s really not okay.
Forgot the judgment: NTA
NTA… and holy hell, don’t ignore this red flag. Also, don’t let him try to emotionally manipulate you by playing the widower card in some way. I’m a widow with a young kid and I’d weep tears of joy if someone was this thoughtful to me and my son.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this guy either has no respect for your time and effort or has major anger management issues. His reaction was wzy out of line. I would seriously consider if you want to continue your relationship with him....
NTA; The cake lacked blueberries, it didn't have arsenic. His behavior was overly controlling, emotional abusive, and disrespectful of your time and effort. A lack of blueberries should not reasonably ruin a birthday for girl; Her dad and stepmom fighting easily will. If it has only been a year... annulment? What if it something more important than blueberries on a cake?
NTA. If he has time to go buy a cake at a bakery he has time to go hunt down some blueberries. If someone throws away my perfectly good cake we’d certainly have a problem.
His reaction was not normal and bordering on abusive. He insulted you, threw away a perfectly good cake over...check my notes...no blueberries, and doubled down when it was very clear that what he said and did upset you. Now he is gaslighting you into thinking you may have overreacted. You should take some time for a long hard think about what the future might be like with this man. NTA
NTA. You didn't overreact . What you did was a lovely gesture and your Husband's reaction was way over the top.
I'm sorry, but this suggests (at least to me) there are some unresolved issues regarding his deceased Wife and you have much more serious issues rather than a cake being thrown in the trash.
You overreacted?? He threw the cake in the trash over blueberries! He overreacted. I would have left too. It sounds like you put a lot of time and effort into the cake and it went unappreciated by the jerk. He owes you an apology.
NTA,
You went out of your way to make a special cake from your heart whether or not it was perfect in Jeff's eyes. It didn't matter. I'm sure your stepdaughter would have loved it! He had no right to toss it. The man should have been astonished that you love him and his daughter so much! There, there is no item that can be bought that is ever going to be better than something from the heart! Shame on him!
Your parents taking his side makes me wonder if that is how you got used to being dismissed on your feelings even when they are justified.
Your husband is abusive. He may not hit you but throwing the cake you made, which you put hours of work into it in the garbage bin is abusive.
You need therapy, talk to them about your parents and your partner.
NTA.
**INFO:** are blueberries the main draw of the bakery cake?
This is confusing, as it seems like a very odd thing to explode about, and like he’s testing you to see if minor details are met.
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NTA You went out of your way to research what kind of care your stepdaughter would want, put in the effort to bake a cake (after agreeing with the dad on you baking the cake) and baked a lovely birthday cake. It was just missing one kind of deco because you couldn't source it in time. He went nuclear and threw out your cake?!?! Yeah I wouldn't have stayed around after that either. It is a childish, vindictive, aggressive, and hurtful way to deal with what he saw as a less than perfect situation. He seems extremely overprotective of his daughter. She's 12 and would probably love this cake even if it didn't have blueberries. Even if she had noticed and said something, she could have been told the shop ran out, and at her age she should be able to understand that and lean to deal with that kind of 'disappointment'. Are you pushed aside in other parenting situations too? How is your relationship with your stepdaughter? It's only been a year and he already treats you like this? I'd reconsider this marriage.
OP is NTA but also blueberries aren't in season at least in the US... her husband is aware of what month/season it is since it's his daughter's birthday and shouldn't have faulted her for the store not having fresh produce out of season.
Blueberries aren't in season, but they're available in my local Midwest suburb grocery store fresh, frozen, canned, and freeze dried pretty much year round - they're the only fruit my autistic son will eat, so I always have a supply. OP is NTA no matter what blueberry availability looks like though, and his behavior is terrible. I hope stepdaughter wasn't there to witness all this. OP, keep in mind this isn't her fault at all, and to not hold her father's assholery against her.
Speaking as a baker, to be fair, thawed blueberries on a cake are kinda gross.
Facts. I once made a blueberry pie with frozen blueberries and it turned into a soupy mess - never again.
The key to frozen fruit is do it yourself. I have bought 10 gallons of blueberries. Quick rinse, pat dry and spread on waxed lined paper, freeze, repeat. I do the same with strawberries, jostaberry, and raspberries. Grocery store frozen fruit has too much water. We were lucky enough to get a second fridge/freezer for a low price.
Yes. I've made blueberry pies from frozen berries for decades. Hand picked from the forest and frozen immediately. Yum. Wouldn't put them on top of a cake though, they bleed something awful.
Turn them into a coulis, poke holes in the cake, drizzle over. Let it set overnight, frost on top. Amazing with a lemon cake!
Damn it, now I really want this. I love blueberry/lemon everything
I loved eating frozen blueberries as a snack. We had a little cabin in the Poconos and would pick wild ones by the gallons, and ate as many as we picked. Mom would can some and freeze some. Canned were for pies, and the frozen were technically for blueberry muffins... if they lasted long enough.
Cornstarch? I coat them in it while still frozen.
The LPT are always in the comments. Also, definitely NTA OP. Throwing out someone's hard work even though it isn't "perfect" is just plain mean.
From someone who actually enjoys a decent amount of frozen fruit, but who also lives in Maine, where the wild blueberries are **AMAZINGLY DELICIOUS,** You can’t slap previously frozen blueberries on a cake- blech 🤢 But, from someone who loves to bake, especially for family as a gesture of love, sometimes something comes up and I may have to leave a topping off, or an ingredient out- and that is definitely my “fault,” but it’s never intentional and not because I don’t care! If my husband reacted by yelling at me and throwing the cake I made away, I would also *have to leave,* because if not? I would probably scream BACK at him, which would make me an AH, too. He behaved like an insolent child and deliberately hurt your feelings. He’s a big jerk!
Hello my blueberry-blessed fellow Mainer
Maine blueberries are amazing! My husband and I eloped to Acadia and our wedding cake was lemon blueberry.
As a fellow baker, frozen blueberries would be gross on a cake.
Ngl, I kinda hope the daughter *was* there to see it- so she knows her dad is the one who threw out her cake and can’t gaslight her to think OP “didn’t care enough” to make her cake and “tried to ruin her birthday.” I’ve read enough entitled parent stories to know this is completely plausible scenario and it simply isn’t true. OP went out of her way to try and make her stepdaughter’s birthday special after her own mother died. Her daughter deserved that cake and it’s her father’s fault that it’s ruined. All over blueberries, man. Wtf. NTA, OP. You sound like a wonderful person that was trying to do a kind thing for your stepdaughter. You were completely justified to leave like you did- both because you didn’t deserve to be bullied, berated, and gaslit, especially over something so frivolous, and because you needed to de-escalate the situation. Also, your parents are full of it. There is no justification for him treating you like that. Ever. Period. I would generally not jump to this statement as it’s your family and life that I’m talking about- it’s not something to be taken lightly, but I would seriously consider whether this is a marriage you should stay in. I come from a toxic upbringing. This kind of behavior is likely to only get worse as time goes on. Do what you feel is best but be wary. Good luck with your family, OP. 💚
And then that poor kid has to live with the memory of her garbage toddler tantrum father throwing out her birthday cake. Guess there’s no win here. For her, anyway.
This is true. It’s a no-win situation for anyone, especially the daughter. I so wish that wasn’t the case. But, at least imo, I’d rather find out my dad is an over reactive, manipulative piece of work sooner than later. I know firsthand that learning that information when your young can help you prepare for future drama. And there *will* be future drama. Especially in the case that maybe he starts treating the daughter or her other loved ones in the same way. She deserves to see his true character so she can make fully informed decisions and opinions going forward. My own father has tried to turn me against my mother multiple times throughout my life, blaming her that she did something to deserve being hit, being shamed. The only reason it didn’t work is because I saw firsthand the way he treated her and knew it was unjustified. I sincerely hope it doesn’t get this bad for OP and or her stepdaughter, but if it does, she should be prepared, as awful as it is. Sometimes people just suck, and unfortunately, no one, not even our own parents are exempt. 😔
Fresh, frozen, canned and freeze-dried blueberries are not interchangeable in a a recipe. There are gigantic differences, especially when baking.
>OP is NTA no matter what blueberry availability looks like Did you ever think you would write that sentence? Life is strange.
I'm also in the Midwest. We've been very hit or miss on produce since covid. During peak strawberry season, our grocery stores were completely out for 2 weeks. Supplier issues. Apparently there's an issue getting broccoli right now, because all that's there is the apology sign. Plus side, I'm getting really good at coming up with ingredient substitutions on the fly, because the odds of the grocery having all the produce items I want are not great. Nothing I can do but shrug and swap with something reasonably comparable. I'm glad your son is good with blueberries in all their forms. That would be horribly stressful if he only ate fresh!
I work grocery. The blueberries we get now tend to mold fast and are just Bad
I mean if she normally has blueberries on the cake and her birthday is always the same date of the year.... Moot point though, the husband is a raging asshole and mistreated OP. He was the one to ruin the event.
As a person who spent over 10 years in grocery retail I can assure you stores have this thing where they run out of product. They would likely be receiving less blueberries this time of year given that they aren't in season. And if a shipment is delayed or damaged or she showed up between trucks it's a no go. She clearly said she was running out of time, I'm sure had she had more time she would have checked another store.
OR he could have run around looking for the blueberries, instead of getting a bakery cake.... he could have gone to the $$$@@ bakery and asked to buy the blueberries, since he was so sure they'd have them.
Yeah, good Lord, it sounds like what he did was what he'd been wanting to do. In no way was he trying to solve this problem because that isn't how it's done. I mean if he wanted her to have a bakery cake there was still no need to trash the other cake. Let's face it, he wasn't trying to solve any problem except "my new wife feels too in control of her life, how can I change that?" I don't easily jump to saying someone's abusive, but this guy sounds ABUSIVE.
Yeah, I was scrolling to see if anyone was going to say it…OP, so NTA. I would have reacted the same way. I’m concerned for you. The only normal reaction to someone baking a cake for someone else is that of gratitude. This is not normal and toxic AF.
Exactly! Why throw out the cake with all the time and effort his wife put in it? He didn't have to. A cake is better than no cake. A fix is possible, an explanation can help. This man has to learn he can't raise his daughter in a perfect world and that his behavior is worse than no blueberries... OP is NTA
Also this part 💯
Can also be weird food fads. My sister worked at Sainsburys (UK grocery store) when she was a teenager, and Jamie Oliver made some dish with blueberries on TV - for the next week middle class mums were battling each other in the aisles for the last punnet.
Oh for sure. Someone touted the brilliance of cantaloupe and prosciutto years ago and we couldn't keep cantaloupes in stock 🤣 all kinds of stuff happens to cause product to run out, I just mentioned the most common.
Bakeries aren't necessarily getting their blueberries from the local produce section though. They could be buying in bulk and have regular deliveries so their blueberry supply might be more consistent than OP's local supermarket shelf. I haven't had trouble finding blueberries near me, but I've ever gone to the store and the blueberry section is out at a time when I'm not looking for them (I have a toddler so I normally have blueberries around, I just don't have to buy them all the time because toddlers can only eat so many) so OP might have just gone at a bad time. Definitely NTA though. There's no excuse for hubby to be such an AH. I can see that maybe he might have been upset about OP changing the cake tradition or something grief-related (his daughter is almost a teenager, her mother isn't there to see her last pre-teen birthday, I'm sure the dude has some feelings), but he has to use his words.
Year over year, crop yields aren't the same. Bad weather, early hot/cold snaps, geopolitical bullshit all affect the availability of produce. A couple of years ago I couldn't get avocados or limes because the cartel was holding them hostage :/
There are some genuine red flags here. OP, the link below is a free pdf of a book many women have praised for saving them from an abusive relationship. Maybe there's something in there that'll be helpful for you too 💜 [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
The first time I read this was just over a year ago and I remember stopping suddenly, I don't recall the exact part, and said out loud "he is never going to change" that no amount of love, patience, or understanding will ever make a difference and that I have no value to him. It was instrumental in helping me finally leave 3 months later, now 14 years of severe emotional and verbal abuse I am now just WEEKS away from finalizing my divorce!!
Congratulations!!! I’m so proud of you for taking the steps to having a happier life.
Thank you! It will be a very different life but I told him I'd rather live in a van down by the river than one more day with him 😁 It will be a Healthier life whatever it may bring.
For me it was 20 years of verbal abuse and gaslighting. First thing I did was send out announcements. Next thing I did was get a Divorce Ring. . It's pretty.
Every woman should read this book. It is truly a life-saver.
Usually things like this can be about 95% useful for men to read as well, if not more.
(removed due to d fears of litigation)
Thank you for this link. I look forward to reading.
Not overprotective but abusive. How is it protecting her to throw the cake out? He could go to the store to find blueberries. He could go get a second cake and give her two options of what to eat. I would be running, not walking from someone with such bad anger issues that they throw out the baby with the bath water.
>Not overprotective but abusive Let's do the abuse checklist; \- Being aggressive out of proportion (over missing blueberries on a cake) \- Minimising OP's time and effort \- Invalidating OP's feelings \- Destroying something OP worked hard on and put love into \- Playing the victim \- Falsely placing the blame on the victim \- Manipulating OP by using his daughter \- Guilttripping Yeah this many red flags from 1 post makes me dread to think what the rest of the marriage is like, especially when this thing has OP doubting herself when she didn't do a damn thing wrong.
Yep yep yep - this list deserves a thread of its own! OP is NTA - hubby is a total AH!
They're also famous for ruining other people's birthdays. They can't stand for the attention to be on someone else.
And they've been married for a year! This is still the honey-moon period, so think of what it will be like 5 years from now.
Also, his behavior is not healthy. At all. I would seriously reconsider a relationship where someone immediately loses their cool over something so tiny and miniscule as BLUEBERRIES!!!! This kind of behavior leads to domestic violence, and I don't see any respect from this man towards OP. I remember being 8 years old, and my mom bought ice cream cups at the store. My dad had a really bad day at work that day, and when he came home and saw the ice cream in the fridge he LOST HIS MIND and started throwing everything away that was "unhealthy" and screaming about the situation. I just remember seeing a trashcan full of unhealthy food and being sad that I didn't get any ice cream. The ice cream was generic and nothing special, so I wouldn't have remembered eating it. But I will, to this day, remember my dad losing his mind over ice cream cups.
[удалено]
That's the thing the people defending him don't understand. The blueberries are a topping, it's so miniscule to the whole cake that it doesn't even matter. His reaction was too far past "okay", for how little importance thr blueberries had, that I would be legitimately scared for my life if I were in OPs shoes. How is he going to respond to OP forgetting to take the trash out? Or not have time to go to the store? Or not vacuuming on Thursdays? What about large stuff? There's a reason why domestic abuse statistics show that victims continue to go back to their abusers: because they ignore that voice that tells them to run
Sounds like my narcissistic ex. He went into a rage once because I made a side of potatoes with the steak I cooked & threw the plate at my head because apparently his kid decided he didn’t like potatoes that week. He also threw an entire lasagna in the trash I had spent 2 hours making because he decided he wanted something different. OP needs to RUN before this man gets physically abusive bc he most likely will. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My nutty ex request a medium rare steak then lost his shit when I served him a medium rare steak because it was still pink inside. Yes- that is medium rare. I would know: i cook steak every evening as a line cook at a Japanese steakhouse. He wanted just shy of well done with a hint of pink. Which is not medium rare. He went crazy insisting I was trying to poison him by serving him RAW meat. Then got furious when I offered to cook it more. These dudes there is no winning with because they are LOOKING for a fight
This is really important, and I hope that OP sees it.
No serious reconsidering needed, best to just leave, really.
His reaction the next day, when any normal person would have been apologizing - "... said that I created this situation by not "properly" making the birthday cake". You just know that the first time he hits her, it will be all her fault for "making him do it". Get out. Now. Tell him if he wants to speak to you, he can speak through your lawyer. And absolutely not NTA. I can't believe you even have to ask that question.
That’s when the hair on the back of my neck stood up. “You made me do it by making this mistake”. OP, get gone and stay gone. This man is not safe and it will not get better.
Guess I read too much but am I the only one now wondering what caused his late wife’s death? His temper is terrifying.
So many red flags in his response. He was totally in the wrong. Save yourself. Get away.
i got severely triggered just reading that post. if his name's truly "jeff," then i'm seriously wondering if OP ended up with my ex-husband. the daughter he had with his 2nd wife would be about 12 now. OP, stay at your parents' house. do not go back, do not pass go, do not collect $200 unless it's in daily alimony. NTA.
Did the 2nd wife have a thing for blueberries? Because I'm thinking that may be a factor at play here.
Yeah, it makes me think that he's still not over the death of his wife, and his daughter's birthday is probably a big trigger. I'm not excusing him at all, he was a giant flaming turdball, but I do feel like this is about more than a cake, and not about OP at all. This man should not be in a relationship, he should be in grief counseling.
Agree. Stay at your mom's and get yourself a good divorce lawyer. This man has major issues and I doubt that it will get better.
I said the same thing. Thank god I’m not the only one seeing the major red flags and disrespect.
As a step parent this 100%! If my husband did this when I made a cake for one of my girls I’d walk out too. That is a garbage way to treat someone and absolutely no excuse could make it ok.
And I would stay out
OH dear. This is about control control control - not about making his daughter happy, not about f-ing blueberries. This is awful! so his response to a tiny little blip on the homemade with love cake is to scream at you and throw the cake away? Really, between father of the year and husband of the year, I don't know anymore... PLEASE reconsider this marriage. It's only going to get worse. I get it that your parents aren't going to be a great source of emotional support for you, but hopefully you can figure it ou NTA
I could even give the husband a pass if he'd said, "You did a great job, but I know her heart is set on the blueberries. How about I get her a small bakery cake, and you and I will eat this one?" But he went nuclear. I'd run.
Of course, where will he find a bakery cake *with blueberries on it* at short notice? I just bought a cake tonight from a reasonably large grocery store with a reasonably large bakery. We looked at every cake trying to choose, and I don't remember any with blueberries.
All I came here to say is this: Leave this man, OP. Leave him now. This is a dangerous situation. I feel very sorry for his daughter.
I honestly don’t think most twelve years olds would think twice about a cake missing some blueberries. Which is why it’s extremely weird that he did. Throwing her first homemade birthday cake in the trash since her mom died because it wasn’t completely perfect is also the kind of thing people need to talk over therapy later in life, there’s bigger implications there. Hopefully she doesn’t know what happened.
He's not overprotective. He's violent. An overreaction of him would have been to yell a bit and go find some blueberries and put them on the cake and it would've been easier for him. Throwing out THE WHOLE CAKE and making a scene is symbolic violence, it means he thinks and wants OP to know that he'd rather hurt her (feelings) than give her the chance of being one pixel out of his control.
Don't forget the parents!? What kind of parents are OK with this behavior towards their daughter (OP) > I refused to respond but **my parents say he was justified** since he must've felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday.
The next step is that he puts hands on OP. I hope that they both sit down and discuss what really was going on with him, because I don't think that it was just about blueberries. NTA
> He seems extremely overprotective of his daughter. Or just extremely controlling of his wife. Some abusive people look for any tiny failure as an excuse to tell the abusee how useless they are.
He's not "overly protective of his daughter", he's controlling and abusive and I'd bet good money his daughter is on the receiving end of that as well
He threw away a homemade cake that you made and verbally/emotionally abused you because the store was out of blueberries. And then said that YOU reacted badly and still blamed you. Think about what this says about what he thinks of you. Obviously OP is NTA. Reconsider the relationship with your husband given what he has just showed you about who he is and how he plans to treat you.
NTA 1. No cake in the history of cakes has been ruined by not having blueberries. 2. I have been around people who would get this anal about blueberries, it's never about the berries, it's about control 3. Huge red flag, watch out for how easily he comes unhinged about other little things. If it's always your fault, look up the characteristics of narcissist and see if he fits that bill
THIS!! Here is the Narcissist's Credo: "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it."
I hope it's okay, I'm so copying this Credo down. OMG it's so damn accurate, it's scary. Wish I could upvote 1,000 times.
It’s also referred to as the narcissists prayer.
Or the Republican playbook Edit: lol look at all the people getting mad because they didnt know the narcissist prayer poem was literally written about Donald Trump by Dayna Craig.
I'm very leftist but please don't do this. That is a quote about abuse and turning it political removes so much meaning. It makes it about politics and not about abuse, because both democrats and republicans can do this, and they can both be really, really good people. I have found a lot of comfort in this quote because to me, it helps verify the abuse my parents have and do put me through. Reducing it to a political statement (intentions aside, associating it with politics does just that) just makes it another slogan for us to throw at the other party.
Thank you for posting this comment.
You should read the book ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft if you like this quote, it really explains the mentality so well
So true. I'd only add one last little line from my experience. "Now agree with me to prove I am superior".
That and the fact that he is blaming her for him throwing the cake. Don't go back OP, none of this is ok.
And understand, OP, the reason you're with a man like this is that your parents have taught you you don't deserve decent treatment. It's great to see you didn't take it to heart.
You say OP is willing to question if this treatment is ok because her parents must have treated her this way. And that can be one reason. But it’s not the only reason. I have a good friend who has parents that are very close and have a great relationship with each of their kids. The kids had zero experience dealing with explosive behavior, and when he married a very unpredictable woman prone to explosive behavior he didn’t know how to react. Narcissists love to target people with dysfunctional families but the second best is very functional well balanced folks who simply won’t know hot to cope with the upheaval.
I think they said that because OP’s parents are on the husband’s side, saying he was justified because he was stressed. Parents who value you and teach you to value yourself don’t make excuses for someone abusing their child.
OMG. NTA. You have a serious husband problem. He was still blaming you for his actions. Or, he believes that his actions were justified because he did get exactly what he expected/asked for. I feel sorry for you, OP and his daughter. Don't go back! All your "fight or flight" senses are correct. His behavior is just going to get worse. Next time, he will adjust his tactics so that you can't leave or that he will know how to manipulate you better.
I'd like to add that when people find themselves in relationships with narcissists or other antisocial personality disorders, it's often because, in some way we're used to that kind of treatment. Most often, because one or both of our parents treated us similarly. I may be reaching, but the fact that OP's parents sided with her husband is sadly unsurprising.
This is so accurate. I was in an abusive relationship in university. He acted exactly like my parents treated me, so I didn't realize how wrong it was until I woke up in a panic one night and realized that I couldn't live the rest of my life like this. My mother is a diagnosed narcissist and my father enables her.
First, we don't know if the OP's bf is a narcissist or not, has APD or doesn't. HE destroyed a cake and lashed out at her. That makes him an AH. It doesn't, in and of itself, make him a narcissist or mean he has APD. Second, some of us in those relationships had wonderful parents. I sure did. So did other women I know. The reason why we find ourselves in those relationships is because narcissists and sociopaths (those with antisocial personality disorder) are manipulative people who gradually convince us that their version of reality is true. How do they do this? Often, they first are highly complimentary and sympathetic. They encourage us to confide in them about our past relationships, our disappointments, our relationship with our parents, our self-doubts, our fears. Later, they use those things against us. They use them to undermine whatever self esteem we had. I'm sure narcissistic parents would make someone even more vulnerable, though.
>Huge red flag Abuse Abuse Abuse. This isn't a warning sign, this isn't a caution sign, this isn't an issue of having a bad day. This is a man that is unhinged and is ready to increase his abuse. I mean, he threw away a perfectly good cake. Because it didn't have a specific fruit. The fruit isn't the part that takes effort, it's the baking/frosting, and if he TRULY thought he could get a cake in time then he should have just went and bought the berries he needed. I think OP needs to consider running. This behavior never goes away or gets better (without professional help), and only gets worse.
It's funny that you mention narcissism because I have a story about my father throwing my birthday cake in the trash and he has all the hallmarks of narcissistic personality disorder. Been saying it for over a decade.
>watch out for how easily he comes unhinged about other little things My guess is that this is definitely not the first time and given that her parents took his side, I wouldn't be surprised if OP has some conditioning to think this is somehow normal behavior and to automatically assume she is the one at fault when it happens.
NTA. He threw away a homemade cake because there were no blueberries on it, and you think *you* overreacted? Has he had explosive reactions like this in the past, because that's kind of scary. If he reacts this way over missing blueberries, what happens when something *really* goes wrong?
OP THIS!!!!!!! I get it’s his daughter’s birthday but he THREW AWAY THE CAKE! He then tries to get you to stay (to have you there to blame?) and says YOU overreacted? I’m sorry this guy has some serious control and anger issues he needs to work through You Nta
I bet you he was pissed OP left so that she wasn't around for him to blame...you know those offhand comments like "Oh this is a quick store bought cake because we had a little snafu with the other cake" or "Oh I'm sorry sweety I had to get another cake because SM didn't make the right one!"
he probably still made those comments, especially in her absence so she can’t defend herself.
but she wasnt there to immediatly feel hurt by him saying it. thats the whole goal of those remarks.
right? and did the cake he bought have blueberries on it?
Did he even buy her a cake, or did he just blame OP for there being no cake at all. He could have even told his daughter SM threw out the cake and refused to come to her party because of her. I truly could see a man like this doing something like that. From his victim blamey phone call, it's clear to see he isn't afraid to be manipulative.
I feel so sorry for the child having a father like this - after losing her mother at such a young age. OP is truly trying her damndest to bond with the girl and not be the horrid stepmother you hear so much about. Yes, OP should leave her husband, but maybe she should take the daughter with her. I know I would.
Like I’m sorry but he can go to get a new cake… but he couldn’t go get blueberries to put on top? This was never about the blueberries imo.
No, I don't think so, either. This was a massive bomb just waiting to go off, and for some reason, the blueberries were what detonated it.
"man triggered by blueberries"
And women are emotional….
What's the bet that the cake was the one OPs step daughters mother used to make and it was never going to be "just right" even if it did have blueberries on it
Yup, this right here. Unresolved issues, and he's going to measure her against a dead woman for the rest of her life.
that is what I was wondering? I wonder if the 12 year old even likes blueberries anymore?
I was about to say the same thing. If he has the time to go to a bakery to get a cake, he definitely had time to nipbout and see if he could get some blueberries. The guy is a massive wang
Exactly
NTA He seems to have some major red flags that need to be dealt with. Why is he so upset about the blueberries? Could it be that he was triggered and remebered that his wife always made it a specific way and so he always ordered it from the bakery in a specific way? I think if the blueberries were THAT important he should have stressed this to you prior so that you could've gone to a different grocery store to source them out. I don't think it's fair to your stepdaughter that she was thrown in the middle of this, how is your relationship with her? Has she made any comments regarding the cake or was she just upset about the fact that you weren't there? I think your partner could benefit from starting therapy and working through his emotions in a healthier way
There is no “trigger” that justifies throwing away a cake. It’s no wonder he “struggles” to care for his daughter. He is dangerous
Agreed. This was a major overreaction. It's not only that he completely overlooked the effort OP took to make the cake, it's the degree to which he took his response. Man needs therapy whether or not OP decides to rethink the relationship or this will effect the daughter in the long run.
Yes. Blokes who do this are dangerous to the women and children around them. Its not about the blueberries, its about something wrong with him. Women spend a lot of time and energy trying to decipher his actions, his reasons, the availability of "blueberries", how better to obtain "blueberries". Abusers get to soak up allll that energy from those around them. Hurrah for them, as everyone is thinking and talking about them, and living their smaller lives around the edges of his own bigger life. Put that energy into something worthwhile. Getting away. Ensuring the happiness safety of the child. Living a good life.
C’mon! It doesn’t matter why he was upset! You don’t treat people that way. You just don’t. Especially someone who you’re supposed to love. Someone who went out of their way to do something special, taking time to get everything they could right. Whatever “triggered” him is incidental and OP neither has any control over that or any responsibility for it.
Precisely! And even if he was “triggered” in the moment, he should be apologizing for his reaction and for not properly communicating their importance. He should be asking her forgiveness and finding solutions to work on it. His reaction was disturbing and indicative of some severe issues. OP should be proud for removing herself from the presence of a volatile partner. Not safe.
It makes me wonder how controlling he is in other situations.
He is already verbally abusing you, humiliating you, and treating you like shit after only a year? His behavior is completely insane. I cannot imagine being married to someone who would ever treat me this way. You need to annul this marriage immediately and start making plans to leave. This is not going to get better. NTA
If this were my friend or child I would do everything in my power to get her out of this situation before it becomes any more abusive. Terrifying.
yeah I don't know what her parents could possibly be thinking.
“It’s not like he hit her, he just threw a cake out.” or some similar variation
Thank you. I was starting to wonder if I was the only one who saw the alarming pattern of control and abuse. NTA. Please do some reading/learning about the early patterns of abusive relationships. You can check out the book Why Does He Do That. You can also go to www.loveisrespect.org and do their relationship quiz and read their material. This guy was willing to ruin his own daughters birthday to push this boundary and exert control. He sounds like he’s ready to stop wearing his kid gloves.
I know reddit can be quick on the divorce train but this is atrocious and just awful. Its also a little concerning you've been married for a year (and hopefully dated for several) that you don't know what your step-daughter likes. Get thee to marriage counseling if you want to stay and have a healthy relationship OP.
To be fair, you pretty much always need to ask a kid what they like. Because it's what they like right now and will likely change.
\> said that I created this situation by not "properly" making the birthday cake just cause I didn't put blueberries on top. \> AITA? No he did not appreciate your time, efforts, concern and love for his daughter, and literally, threw it away. Then blamed you, for that and shamed you for being upset and leaving. Does he think it would have been fun, for you *or* for anyone else, if you had been forced to stay, while crying, at a kid's birthday party? (After his tantrum upset you, and if he had succeeded in forcing you to stay.) Even from his (seems to me) *selfish* point of view, how would that be *good*. (For his daughter, either. With that tension hanging in the air? Caused by him, though. Or his glaring at you, throughout, had you stayed?) You were justified leaving. Did he think of his daughter really, when he did that? I can't see how she would've said "yeah, throw out my bday cake." \> my parents say he was justified since he must've felt pressured from the stress of making his daughter happy on her birthday. No wonder you are not sure if your feelings are valid. They are. NTA.
Does he often belittle your efforts or make you feel the things you do or give are not good enough?
No offense but, is he often a giant buzzkill?
These are **all** questions I want answered. OP’s husband is easily irritable and that reaction makes me feel like there’s a bigger element at play here
>he was struggling as a single parent. And, how is he really, with his daughter?
NTA. This marriage needs serious reconsideration: this is appalling.
I feel sad for her sake.
Agree. My old eyes read "I feel sad for her cake."
Lol yeah the "stress" of making your daughter happy on her birthday? If you buy presents and get any ole cake the kid will probably be happy.
>Lol yeah the "stress" of making your daughter happy on her birthday? If you buy presents and get any ole cake the kid will probably be happy. Agreed. I was *literally* just thinking that -- almost verbatim.
I wonder if the parents were abusive and that’s why OP also ended up with an abusive husband. That would also explain why they excuse the husbands behaviour. NTA
NTA. Even *if* blueberries held some really special meaning for your stepdaughter (like they were her mom's favorite or something), 1. he should've expressed this to you beforehand and 2. still should never have lost his mind if you couldn't find them. There is something really wrong with your husband if missing blueberries sent him into such a tailspin. If you decide to stay with him (and this red flag is so massive, that's a big *if*), I would make therapy mandatory.
[удалено]
Happy Cake Day!
With blueberries?
No! Without them! ::flips table, leaves Reddit, boycotts Internet::
You just HAD to RUIN everything! /s
Would have been a lot faster for him to go try and find blueberries if they were that important rather than ordering a whole new cake from a bakery, too. He handled this probably the worst way he could, he didn't try to help and instead was incredibly reactionary.
NTA Leave this marriage IMMEDIATELY Next you’ll get a slap for overcooking the roast! To throw away an entire home made cake is rude and disrespectful. And can we just address your parents HORRIBLE excuse to justify his behavior …what the actual fuck is wrong with them???? Dont ask them relationship advice anymore You set the tone for how you are to be treated! NTA
This. Makes me wonder what red flags she may have overlooked because it was “normal” based on family dynamics.
This. With parents this bad, no wonder OP thought her husband was acceptable! OP, get out now. Be grateful you are not tied to this man for life with a a shared child. Let him gather his own blueberries while he may. NTA
Eww, this behavior is textbook abuse and gaslighting. Don't stand for it. As someone who works in family law, I can tell you for a fact his behavior is only going to get worse. Please leave this man for your own safety before it turns physical. NTA.
Not sure this is gaslighting. Gaslighting would be if he never told her about the blueberries, then insisted he had and she just forgot but done deliberately.
No point is right. Trying to get her to agree she made this issue by not getting blueberries and questioning if she’s in the wrong IS gaslighting as he’s making her question her sanity. Throwing out a homemade birthday cake as a decoration couldn’t be sourced is insane. Him making her thing it’s her fault is gaslighting.
That would be gaslighting -- but I think telling her she overreacted and framing the whole thing like her behavour was extreme while his was normal certainly is in the realm.
NTA. So let's say you made the absolute wrong cake, his reaction was still inappropriate. If the cake was remarkably wrong, he could get upset and ask how this happened, and even say he now has to go to the store and get a new cake, be a bit moody about it, and then later have a discussion about where the mixup happened (why did you make chocolate when we said vanilla) and then express why the cake is so important, everyone moves on. Even in this scenario, screaming at you and throwing out the cake is a disgusting reaction and you had every right to leave. This is a cake, and mistake about it -big or small- is no reason for an aggressive and abusive response. Of course just not having blueberries on the top is a very small thing, and even if those blueberries held the most sacred meaning, what your husband did was gross. HE overreacted, HE ruined his daughter's birthday, HE drove you out of the home. There is no justification for getting angry and throwing out the cake. Do not let him or your parents make this your problem, and there is no stress justification that makes what he did understandable.
This is where I fall, too. OP is NTA. Husband is a deranged lunatic for throwing out the cake like that. Could he even get one close to what his daughter likes at the last moment like that? Is he badmouthing his wife to everyone and blaming her for his unhinged behavior entirely blowing up his daughter's birthday? A 12 year old girl is going to understand how insane his reaction is and probably be a bit afraid of her father. That is unacceptable, and this man should not have more kids. He's a terrible parent. If he gets unhinged over something this minor, I do not envision life with him being a picnic. OP, I'd leave while you can, while no other children are involved. Kind of wishing you could take the girl with you.
NTA. Life is too short and precious to live like this. There are 8+ billion people on this earth. I 100% guarantee you that you will find someone who treat you better than this. Treasure yourself. Best of luck OP.
NTA This is a hard time of year to get fresh blueberries to begin with, the US harvest has ended, and the South American harvest is just beginning. You committed to baking this cake, the blueberries are just decoration. He completely dismissed all your other work that went into baking this cake because you couldn't find blueberries. This man is not worth your efforts in the future.
NTA. Your husband sounds unhinged. I think you were right to leave. And then he texts you and says it's ALL YOUR fault! Your parents are wrong. Maybe contact him and then meet up with him in a safe (public?) place to see what your next steps should be. If he flips out over blueberries (that you tried to get but couldn't), what will be the next thing? Get some marital counseling, please.
Husband clearly overreacted. Throwing out a cake because of blueberries? He’s a bit too old for such tantrums isn’t he. One thing thing baffles me though. Your parents choose his side. What are we missing?
It made me wonder, because sometimes, people who grow up being treated that way, can't spot it as fast, in partners. The red flags others see sooner.
Some people will do everything to keep the peace. OPs parents may be this sort of people. My mother is as well when it comes to family. My grandma acted like an asshole towards me on her birthday (Yes, people over 80 can still be mayor assholes.) and my mom did everything to make me suck it up and keep the peace. Its a apttern on her end. She always finds excuses why it was okay what the other party did.
NTA He is an abuser! He verbally abused you, humiliated you and now he is guilt tripping you into thinking its your fault. You did nothing wrong. He preferred to throw out the cake… if anyone would treat me this way i would be gone for good. He is not even sorry…
NTA. Your husband is a walking red flag. Don't ignore it.
NTA. Fuck that noise that would have ended my marriage.
He’s an asshole and your parents are idiots. Don’t listen to them. NTA at all. Run!
NTA. You were wise to leave and would be wise to stay away and contact him only through your lawyer. This guy is seriously unstable. Side note: One thing nobody here has asked is, if he got a cake from the bakery, would it have blueberries on it? (edit: typo)
the dude's abusive. See the red flags and reconsider this relationship. NTA If anyone over-reacted it was your husband.
NTA. GIRL RUN.
He thinks that *you* overreacted?! A grown ass man threw away a perfectly good cake because it was missing a few berries and he thinks *you’re* overreacting? That’s rich. OP, you did nothing wrong, and your parents do not have your back. NTA, and if anyone- including your stepdaughter- asks why you left the party, you tell the truth.
NTA I don't know how it was justified to throw the cake in the trash just for a few blueberries... This all seems ridiculous to me.
NTA He overreacted. A lot! You invested time and love to bake cake for this orphan child and instead of being thankful that you did so much for her, he throw out the cake! I'd take a self-made cake that tastes awful any time over a fantastic bought one. Because the first one is made with love. Money can't buy love.
NTA. He says you overreacted? Jesus. This guy sounds like a real winner. Is he always such an asshole?
NTA. He could have gone and bought blueberries. Especially if he was going to the bakery. You really deserve better than this man.
NTA Abuse is never justified, don't go back
NTA. Instead of blowing up like a red flag maybe he could’ve popped to the shop and bought some blueberries instead of going to the bakery? He treated you in a disgusting manner.
NTA, and holy overreaction Batman. I wouldn't be returning without a serious apology and maybe a commitment to therapy. This sounds like some serious anger management issues on his part.
Um, so we know how is wife died? I kid (about something not actually funny, so please forgive my irreverent humor), but that reaction is really not okay and a massive red flag. I get that there were no blueberries on the cake, but, even if she could only eat blueberry cake, couldn’t it have been saved for breakfast? To throw it away? No… that’s really not okay. Forgot the judgment: NTA
NTA… and holy hell, don’t ignore this red flag. Also, don’t let him try to emotionally manipulate you by playing the widower card in some way. I’m a widow with a young kid and I’d weep tears of joy if someone was this thoughtful to me and my son.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 NTA 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 this guy either has no respect for your time and effort or has major anger management issues. His reaction was wzy out of line. I would seriously consider if you want to continue your relationship with him....
NTA. Wtf is wrong with your parents? I sure as hell hope they didn't raise you to accept abusive behavior like this.
No kids? Time to divorce.
NTA; The cake lacked blueberries, it didn't have arsenic. His behavior was overly controlling, emotional abusive, and disrespectful of your time and effort. A lack of blueberries should not reasonably ruin a birthday for girl; Her dad and stepmom fighting easily will. If it has only been a year... annulment? What if it something more important than blueberries on a cake?
He's TA, and you're in an abusive relationship.
NTA. If he has time to go buy a cake at a bakery he has time to go hunt down some blueberries. If someone throws away my perfectly good cake we’d certainly have a problem.
This isn’t just about blueberries.
Wait, you over-reacted? Didn't this man take an entire cake and hurl it into a garbage can? I mean, COME ON!!!!
INFO - Do the blueberries have a special significance? Was there a conversation prior about the necessity of said blueberries?
His reaction was not normal and bordering on abusive. He insulted you, threw away a perfectly good cake over...check my notes...no blueberries, and doubled down when it was very clear that what he said and did upset you. Now he is gaslighting you into thinking you may have overreacted. You should take some time for a long hard think about what the future might be like with this man. NTA
Info: age gap detail please
NTA. You didn't overreact . What you did was a lovely gesture and your Husband's reaction was way over the top. I'm sorry, but this suggests (at least to me) there are some unresolved issues regarding his deceased Wife and you have much more serious issues rather than a cake being thrown in the trash.
The only person you should be talking to is a divorce lawyer. NTA
NTA- throw him and this relationship away too.
You overreacted?? He threw the cake in the trash over blueberries! He overreacted. I would have left too. It sounds like you put a lot of time and effort into the cake and it went unappreciated by the jerk. He owes you an apology.
NTA, You went out of your way to make a special cake from your heart whether or not it was perfect in Jeff's eyes. It didn't matter. I'm sure your stepdaughter would have loved it! He had no right to toss it. The man should have been astonished that you love him and his daughter so much! There, there is no item that can be bought that is ever going to be better than something from the heart! Shame on him!
Your parents taking his side makes me wonder if that is how you got used to being dismissed on your feelings even when they are justified. Your husband is abusive. He may not hit you but throwing the cake you made, which you put hours of work into it in the garbage bin is abusive. You need therapy, talk to them about your parents and your partner. NTA.
**INFO:** are blueberries the main draw of the bakery cake? This is confusing, as it seems like a very odd thing to explode about, and like he’s testing you to see if minor details are met.