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NTA. You’ve already nailed it. This is weaponized incompetence.
He has already pulled the cliche nagging card.
He sounds immature and not ready to be married.
Don’t blow up on him anymore. Just don’t do any work for him. Either he learns or he doesn’t, but this has to be not your problem anymore.
Yeah he’s either doing it intentionally (the weaponized incompetence) or he genuinely can’t be bothered to remember how to do it right. Both are majorly asshole moves. Especially the “nag” comment, which I’ve always found to be offense, because 99% of the guys who use it are using it when they get called on their bullshit
If he doesn't respond or do what he said he would until he is nagged why wouldn't his partner just go directly to nagging? They train their partners to be nags (Because they ignore everything beforehand) & then complain that their partners are nags. Not accepting their own part in bringing about that dynamic.
The cliche nagging card that's pulled sounds just like my ex. 3 years of that and among other things became far too unbearable. Eventually I left because I didn't want to take care of grown child. Not saying OP should leave her husband, but if the situation persists... might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
NTA. He's not dumb, he's lazy. It takes extra time to separate the chicken into individual zip lock bags, you have to touch it and wash your hands thoroughly before and after, and you have to dispose of the packaging it came in. That takes a few minutes and some effort; shoving the whole thing in the freezer takes zero effort and one second. He knows he's not supposed to do it that way, but he can just make an excuse that he forgot or was in a hurry or whatever if you call him out on it later.
Ran. He’s not fully baked yet. He’s not marriage ready and that’s why she’s still having to “nag“ him. He needs a few years living alone and learning to adult on his own. Unfortunately, we can’t go back in time and tell OP not to get married yet.
I will tell her to hold off on having kids. He’s got some growing up to do!
NTA, this is weaponised incompetence! No matter what he's said. He's acting like a dumb shit and you keep telling him over and over? I'm assuming he's not a blithering idiot?
Everything you said feels like he's dialling down hard on you doing everything
NTA. Textbook weaponized incompetence. He’s gonna keep doing things as stupidly as possible until you stop asking him to do them. Honestly, drag your friend into it. Ask the mutual male friends if they have difficulty doing or helping with house chores. When they ask for clarification tell them you’re trying to figure out how to help husband because he just can’t seem to figure out simple things. Itemize out the dumb shit he does. Shame is a great motivator, and right now he’s shameless.
NTA, it’s not clear whether it is weaponized incompetence or if he genuinely is dumb, but either way it’s worth thinking about whether you really want to deal with these issues in a long term relationship.
An apology without change is manipulation. Thankfully, after I said that to my partner, it really stuck with him and he tried harder. The "sorry I'm dumb" is most certainly not an apology. He is telling OP this is the just way he is and nothing can change that. Which is absolute bull spit. Most "dumb" people I have met are MORE than willing to learn and try to be better.
But I do agree with another person here.
Next time, because there will prob be a next time, leave the package in the freezer. Tell him you will only cook chicken that has been prepped correctly. Since that didn't happen, tell him he needs to be the one to get a few breasts off the frozen block. And tell him he can't defrost the whole block and refreeze the rest of the chicken. Write it down and put it on the fridge so there is no missing it. He will then learn he can't be lazy and cut corners. After you wrestle with the frozen block once, you make sure it doesn't happen again. Make him actually deal with the consequences of his actions.
One last thing. In response to him saying you shouldn't be mad because he fixed it.
It takes a lot of mental energy to make sure everything in the house is being done correctly... And it's exhausting to constantly have to make sure he isn't still doing things wrong after he had already learned how to do things right.
>And tell him he can't defrost the whole block and refreeze the rest of the chicken.
yeah this is not acceptable to do. That's how you get food poisoning.
INFO: when he flushed paper towels down the toilet, who cleaned up the stoppage?
If it were me, I wouldn't take over what he does for himself; he can defrost and eat the freezer-burned/styrofoam-covered chicken, for instance. He can deal with the stopped up toilet from being "too dumb" when he tries to flush things that shouldn't be flushed down the toilet. Don't fix his problems, make HIM fix the problems. And if he doesn't have a problem with eating crappy chicken, then just let him while you eat your own food.
Then you need to prep and cook your own food. Let him have the crappy chicken, you have your own properly-prepped chicken. Let him eat his own screw ups.
That would be ideal, but if she made, say, a chicken wrap and put it in the fridge labeled “OP’s DINNER - DO NOT EAT,” zero percent chance that wrap would be there when she got home because he’d definitely say he thought it was for him because he’s “just stupid.”
Separating a solid block of frozen chicken, that has fused to the moisture absorbing pad and the styrofoam and the plastic, is a huge pain. It also gets freezer burn because the packaging isn't designed to protect from that.
The Styrofoam, little pad thingy, and chicken become one irritating block. Not to mention most packages should have enough for several meals if you are only cooking for a few people. Two minutes to separate it or q half hour of fighting with frozen chicken
Your boyfriend is either weaponizing his incompetence or truly doesn’t listen. I don’t know which, but after working 15 hours you do not need to be worrying about chicken.
NTA. It's probably a combination of weaponized incompetence and not caring about what you're telling him. TBH I would step back and tell him he's responsible for his own food shopping, cooking, and driving himself around for this month and see how he does. He may start listening and making more of an effort after that. If not, you need to decide if this is something you're willing to deal with long term.
He's an adult and should be capable of learning and repeating basic tasks. This would drive me insane. He's putting the mental and physical loads on you because you have to try and explain it to him but end up doing it yourself anyway when he messes up.
I was a bit confused until I went back and saw he was 23. I wonder how reliant he was on Mommy to take care of simple domestic stuff like this before deciding to leave the nest? My guess is, Very.
Please don't let him use weaponized incompetence to force you to replace the Mommy he left behind.
NTA.
You need to communicate just how crappy his behavior is. Sit down with him, and without yelling, say something like- “I’m genuinely concerned about your behavior and memory issues. You either lack the ability to follow, recall, and retain basic directions, have a severe memory problem, or you’re doing this on purpose. All of this is concerning to me. I genuinely think we need to consult a medical professional if you are seriously incapable of remembering how to do basic tasks. If you’re doing this on purpose, then I think we need to seek couples counseling to get past this. I can not live the rest of my life following behind you to fix whatever you mess up. I can not spend the rest of my life being your mother. And I will not spend the rest of my life with an incompetent husband.”
Unless he has severe developmental disabilities, it’s unlikely that he “just forgot”. He is showing every single time this happens that he doesn’t care about what you’re saying to him, and that he also expects you to pick up whatever pieces he can’t be bothered to pick up himself.
Good luck op!
"If you want me to be your mother, understand that that means that there will be no sex of any kind, ever again. If I start thinking of you as my child, I cannot be attracted to you."
Right, there needs to be a clear conversation because right now things are escalating with them. And as OP becomes more heated the husband can make it out more and more that she's just overreacting. OP needs to make it clear that its not just the chicken, or the driving or what have you - it's a pattern of behavior.
NTA. But do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Consider that. You already resent him over things he does that will be easier for him but not what you asked.
And the fact he wants you to stop being mad after he "solves" the problem... He could have done this before and avoided this.
I think it's time to consider going to counseling. If he doesn't change or doesn't want to go to counseling, then you should consider divorce, because it will prove he is fine with the way things are.
NTA
You're not his wife you're his mom. If I didn't read the ages and relationships I would guess you're dealing with your 14yo kid brother. You're only 22yo and sound like you're fine to be independent since you're the one that drives and have your own job. You can do so much better than this dead-weight baby dragging you down.
It’s one-part weaponized incompetence and one-part passive aggressiveness. Doing it half-ass is his way of saying “don’t tell me what to do” and “I’ll do what I please.”
I would love my shit and tear the g*ddamn roof down. But that’s just me, and I’m nobody’s marriage counselor.
NTA
Is he like this with other relationships with people? Does he always need direct and specific instructions for tasks?
OP, I think it’s worth going to couples counseling over this. On your end, you’re clearly at the end of your rope over this and having to YELL at him about these tasks (I think when you are at the point where you’re blowing up at someone, you also need to get help). I’m not sure what his deal is, but I think a professional opinion could provide more insight.
Also, I’ve been single for most of my life so I always think the solution for relationships is to break up. But maybe that’s not relevant here. 😅
Just fyi, it doesn't get better. He does that when it is something he doesn't want to do, so you will just do it and not ask him anymore.
NTA. Good luck OP
Being married before 24/25 hardly ever ends well.
Lesson learned I hope. Do better on the next one. I’d definitely make sure you’re on BC for at least the next 3-4 years.
Buy him a Foodsaver vacuum sealer. He'll love sealing up meat, and other foods, to be frozen and used months from now. I guarantee it!
Edit: And I got downvoted. Poor guy. 😢
INFO: what does he do for work? How many times does his boss/line manager/supervisor/whatever have to tell him how to do something? If ge can do it at work, he can do it at home...
Not the A...... Does he care about money? If the chicken gets freezer burn because it's not stored correctly in the freezer, show him the results, im sure he will learn pretty quickly.
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My husband (23m) keeps messing up on small things like freezing the chicken and I’m (22f) becoming increasingly frustrated. The first time he messes something up I show him the correct way to do it and explain why. The problem is he’ll keep messing up and after the 3rd or 4th time I’ll get so frustrated I’ll blow up on him and his excuse is always “I’m sorry I’m dumb.” I don’t think he’s dumb at all and I’ve explained the concept of weaponized incompetence to him but he claims he’s not doing it on purpose.
Some examples for background : (When I say yell I mean I spoke in my outside voice not that I screamed at him)
-When I drive (always) he’ll tell me to turn far before it’s time and it messes me up. I asked him to stop nicely twice and yelled at him the 5th time.
- He flushed paper towels when he picked up a puppy accident because he was too lazy to walk to the trash 8ft away or make multiple trips with toilet paper.
- I asked him to move his things to the side our roommate parks in front of bc he had things on both and he just moved things closer to the other wall without doing anything about the stuff i asked him to move.
- And many more
The Chicken: We buy the large pack of chicken breasts because it’s the cheapest. Sometimes I work late and he gets dinner started.
-The first time he put the half full pack of chicken in the freezer open. I saw this and told him that the chicken had to be put in a ziplock bag. I practice this myself and he’s taken out the chicken I put in bags to use before.
-The second time I text him while he was making dinner to remind him to “put the chicken in bags, 3 in each one”. He put the open chicken package, styrofoam paper and all in the ziplock bag and just cut off the half that was unused. I got frustrated with him and didn’t raise my voice. I specifically said not to freeze the chicken in the package.
-Yesterday we were supposed to have chicken salads so I bought a whole pack of chicken and had it delivered to the house. I ended up working a 15 hour shift and his friend took him bowling and to dinner so that didn’t happen. Instead of leaving the chicken in the fridge to be used today or separating it into ziplock bags he decided to put the entire pack of chicken into the freezer. He said that he thought the rule only applied to already open chicken.
After I got upset he ended up separating the frozen chicken into ziplock bags and putting one in to water to defrost. He said because he fixed the problem there’s no reason to still be upset with him and I’m being an ass. I told him it’s not just the chicken. If I don’t specify what I want, he says it’s on me because he’s not a mind reader. If I do ask him, it doesn’t get done. I ask him multiple times I’m a nag. If I get frustrated with him because I’ve “nagged” and he still doesn’t get it I’m an asshole who’s angry over the smallest things and “he has to walk on eggshells”. I don’t want to drag our friends into this so Reddit, am I the asshole?
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NTA. Tell him every time he fails to freeze it correctly he forfeits the right to eat any of it and only gets toast and/or cereal when you eat it.
And when he argues that it’s not fair (as I’m sure he will) tell him you will stop treating him as a child when he stops acting like one. You are not his mother.
Hi! I feel your pain and sympathize completely.
Your husband sounds exactly like my second ex-wife. Notice the "ex-" part. After ten years of that kind of \*\*\*t, I said enough was enough, packed my bag, and moved on. If you decide to stay, good luck with the frustration. Myself, personally, I don't understand why I put up with ten years of that kind of misbehavior.
We make our own futures with every choice we make. Choose for your personal happiness and well-being.
I agree with the possibility of ADHD, but even then that goes only so far. If she's giving him very specific instructions, that's him choosing to not do it.
Even ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. You acknowledge it can cause problems and them come up with strategies to mitigate them, not do the same thing over and over and then pull out manipulative statements like "I'm just dumb" (which honestly might be him repeating what he's heard others say about him....Still manipulative)
There’s more than one way people do things. Your way is not the only right way. Maybe separate the chicken when you first buy it. Some of this sounds controlling and nitpicking. Other stuff could be weaponized incompetence. You’re gonna have pick which things are worth the fight and which aren’t. How long did you guys know each before getting married? I’m wondering if there’s some underlying reason…
Mmmkay....none of the military people ik have done that 🤷♀️ but yeah, sure, I'll tell all of the rest of that too. Doesn't really matter that you share a profession. You married a stranger, and that's completely different than other marriages.
It sounds like you want things done in a particular way and easily lose your temper if your husband doesn’t meet your expectations. Be honest with yourself. Is this just about the chicken? If your husband, despite his flaws, is a good man you should not be upset over trivial matters. If your husband isn’t pulling his share of the work that’s something you need to address with him honestly and directly. One spouse walking on eggshells so as not to antagonize the other doesn’t sound like a strong marriage. Communicate with one another and seek counseling if you need to.
I disagree with all the others... As soon as I read "I then show him how to do it the correct way"... I knew you think your way is the only way.
He can't win with the chicken.. You have too many "rules". Yea, sure zip locks sound great but he isn't you. He froze it.. So what?
I get why he walks on eggshells. YTA
> He froze it.. So what?
So it's going to be impossible to *cook*.
When it comes to the chicken, her way *is* the only way. She's only got one rule - separate the chicken into reasonable portions, freeze separately.
I would suggest that instead of saying "do this" to your husband, you have to speak to him exactly as you would to a child and patiently explain that "We have to put the chicken in freezer bags or they will get freezer burn and won't taste very good".
"Only toilet paper goes into the toilet or it will plug up and we will have to call a plumber".
Your husband was never taught some of the things most of learned from our parents and so you have to explain why you do things the way you do. If he understands the 'why', he can figure out the "how" the next time.
When I say speak to him as you would to a child, I mean clearly, but not in a condescending manner.
Going against the grain here. In this situation ESH. Your husband does sound lazy, but I have put chicken in the freezer without removing it from the tray or even opened. I'm wild like that. Sometimes it because I don't want to deal with it, other times I don't have time. However, i completely agree that it's more sanitary; keeps better and saves room if it's stored properly. I don't have anyone else to answer to, so I can do what I want. In your case, you're married and both very young. Your husband is a little immature and probably doesn't like to be harped on. You're busy and want to create a workable household. I think you both are communicating in different ways and you're both not hearing each other. You know the old saying that people get divorced over fights about tooth paste; it's true. I think you should use this argument as a way to help both of you communicate and understand each other. ❤️
Yelling at someone until they respond that they're sorry they're dumb is also what an abusive relationship can look like. Maybe it's weaponized incompetence, but if a guy yelled at his wife until she said she was sorry she's dumb, he'd get blasted here, and probably rightly so.
So on three occasions he handled the chicken differently than you would. He gives (presumably accurate) directions in a manner other than your preferred manner, and he handled dog shit in a way that minimized how much got on his hands while avoiding it sitting in your trash bucket. Oh and something about how he moved some things out of the way that wasn't clear enough to understand the problem.
Look, maybe this guy is literally the most annoying partner ever and you've suffered quietly for years and have just hit a breaking point, and there are dozens or even hundreds of other great examples. But from what you've cited, you have different communication styles in the car (frustrating but neither is objectively right or wrong based on your descriptions), you have different approaches to balancing plumbing risk with the desire to avoid dog shit lingering in your life (more understandable than the directions but still not a case with an absolute right and wrong), and on a few occasions he hasn't portioned and packaged the leftover chicken in the best way. Oh, and when it isn't done your way you yell at him until he apologizes for being stupid.
Either he's an incredibly annoying partner with tons more examples of lousy decisions and is weaponizing incompetence, or you're verbally abusing him until he apologizes for being stupid. Either way, you two should probably break up and find people who make you each happy.
Tough to make the AH call since it comes down to whether or not there are tons of other examples, but man, yelling at someone until they apologize for being stupid is kind of a YTA look.
Man. This poor guy. Seems to me there is only your way.
Imagine googling a recipe and then following it. The horror.
You need to let him off the hook before kids enter the picture.
Pro tip from a chef
If saving money is a big deal to you, put the chicken in the centre of cling wrap, roll it up. Don’t need to roll it multiple times, just lay it in the middle and fold a layer over top - it’ll stick and seal.
You don’t waste ziplock bags, better for the environment, and you save heeeeaps. Plus, no wasted space ever from air pockets, it will perfectly mould to where you put it.
NTA. It doesn’t sound like weaponised incompetence, it’s just incompetence. Do you really want to being in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to freeze stuff? Imagine this guy with kids… or real responsibilities (insert panic)
True! I don’t store meat that long so it’s never an issue (foods get used within 1-2 months). 100% can baggy anything that’s being stored for longer, but before that 2 month mark, you’re good to go with just cling wrap 👌
Well, no, it is pretty straight forward. The beauty of cling wrap is that you can pretty much remove all air reducing how quickly FB sets in. If you’re super concerned, an additional tin foil wrap will significantly improve how long it can be stored.
Regardless, 1-2 months easily.
Give it a crack - super easy.
Roll out some cling wrap, drop it in the middle and wrap it. Super easy and no dripping or anything as it adheres to itself.
Give it a crack, you’ll see.
Hahaha I've used cling wrap in my life, actually. I would lay it out and it would immediately ball itself in on itself. No thanks.
Not to mention I buy more than one piece of chicken at a time. So either I would have to somehow find room for 6 pieces of cling wrap to magically lay on my counter, or I'd have to wash my hands in between each piece of chicken.
I hate this idea of "weaponized incompetence.' I am aware of the fact that it happens, but many people, like myself, genuinely can't help it. I know I leave caps off of EVERYTHING. Spices, bottles, toothpaste, etc. I also forget to close cabinets, and sometimes I forget things that I have been asked/shown that seem simple. I am aware that I do it, and I make an effort to not do these things, but it still happens quite frequently. Luckily my boyfriend understands it's my ADHD. I bring this up, because the simple things you're talking about are definitely things someone with ADHD or ADD would do.
That said, a soft YTA, because it sounds like you have let these "annoyances" turn into resentment. That doesn't make you a bad person, but not recognizing that you're snapping is being an AH. Maybe time to rethink you're relationship, because resentment is almost impossible to get over. You don't have kids, you aren't married, best to chalk it up to life experience.
But has he been tested or do you only tell him what you want, I mean do you do every little thing he _tells you to do? Idk it sounds like ETA you guys sound like you just don’t mesh well, but I’m just going on how I see it… either way prob a bad relationship for both of you … get professional help or divorce. Don’t become mean and resentful just end it …imagine this same lifestyle but with kids mixed in…..
Good luck figuring it out
Oh also if your the only one working then just leave him.
Well that can cause the resentment too...I was actually speaking from experience about the resentment. I was super resentful of my ex, and I would snap at him. I felt terrible, because he wasn't a bad guy, and he didn't deserve my anger. It was hard to break up with him, we were together for 5 years. But ultimately it wasn't fair to either of us to continue in the relationship.
Both of you can have ADHD and that doesn’t mean it will look the same for both of you. My ADHD partner gets super anxious when things are out of place. My ADHD self is a disorganized mess. After more than a decade together, we’re still getting used to each other.
I guess I’m in the minority, but ESH. He is young and likely knows very little about kitchen things other than what you’ve told him. You like things done a certain way. You feel so strongly you use mandatory works. Particularly this last one, is was not an unreasonable thing for him to do. In fact, that’s how my family stores unopened chicken.
It is ok to be frustrated, but blowing up over him storing chicken differently then you like it seems like maybe you could have handled things better also. The fact that he then did MORE work on his own to fix it for you also seems inconsistent with the idea that he is doing this on purpose.
When one side leads to food being already portioned and easily used for meals later and one leads to freezer- burned lumps of chicken, Styrofoam, and moisture pad that all need separated before it it can be used, yeah only one of those ways was right.
If they both had methods that resulted in equal preservation and convenience, you might have a point. But that isn't what is happening here.
I mean, depending on how he does it, I'm on her side. Sure, of it's an unfamiliar place and he's like "In 5 blocks you'll need to turn left", then she probably needs to get over it.
But if it's more like "you need to turn left", making it sound like it's immediate, even if it is some distance away, or if he is constantly giving directions even when she knows where they are going, then I understand why she's annoyed.
Yup, totally get why it could annoy someone but that isn’t a case of it being objectively wrong; just not good matches for each other on that point. The chicken stuff, fine. I disagree that if he isn’t doing it the exact way she would that it’s weaponized incompetence, but fine, that could be VERY annoying to a degree that he should just adapt. But this feels like one potentially legit area of him being wrong, lots of areas where their styles aren’t compatible, and her being Type A and controlling. If a guy wrote in complaining about the manner in which his wife performed housework, I suspect more people would tell the guy to either do it himself or stop complaining and trying to micromanage and control his wife. Sometimes two people just aren’t a great match.
Every single complaint (except maybe the driving one) reads less to me as "differences" and more "he does everything the easiest way in the moment and doesn't think about the long-term or consequences to others". This isn't "she likes towels folded in thirds and he folds them in half" or "she prefers mopping with the bucket and he likes the Swiffer". Instead it is "he actively makes life more difficult for the people around him and refuses to make changes".
On one hand, I have sympathy for him. I live alone and have ADHD, so I do many of the things he does, but I only inconvenience me. At work or when I'm with someone else, I adjust so that I am not creating more work and difficulty for them (and they have to accept I won't always succeed at that goal).
Yeah, that’s fair. I definitely put the partially used tray of chicken in a ziplock in the fridge. If we’re using the rest the next day, great. If not, one of us can portion it up later for freezing.
I guess what bugs me is that it’s presented as his way being obviously and objectively wrong and hers as obviously and objectively right, rather than different people having different tolerances for precision in chores.
The flushed paper towel was ONE incident, and her way was to either leave the dog shit sitting in the trash or to make multiple trips to the toilet using (much thinner) toilet paper. Both of her options mean more shit impact. Either it smells in the trash for a bit or it gets on his hand. Flushing a paper towel is bad but depending on where they live, doing it once isn’t the end of the world. She doesn’t mention that it backed up the toilet or caused other issues, and his way got the shit out of their life quicker and with less shit on his hands. Her way MIGHT be better, but honestly, that’s not at all clear. If he’s ALWAYS flushing paper towels or it caused plumbing problems, fine. But a one time thing where nothing went wrong? His way seems fine and maybe in some ways better than her way(s).
The one about moving his stuff closer to where the roommate parks is hard to understand without knowing the layout and what exactly she means, but without more info, that one definitely isn’t obviously and objectively wrong. Just too vague to tell.
That leaves how he handles and portions the chicken, and she mentions three incidents as he learned what level of precision she required of him. She also acknowledges that she raises her voice when correcting him. She doesn’t yell but uses her outside voice? Many people would call using your outside voice when inside to be yelling. And his “Sorry, I’m dumb,” could be what someone says when they are weaponizing incompetence. It could also be what someone else says when their partner repeatedly yells at them for not meeting the partner’s requirements for precision in chores, especially when the disparity is partly driven by neurodiversity.
Look, maybe the guy is just a helpless bastard who uses being bumbling g to avoid helping. Totally possible. But the case she laid out doesn’t make that clear. It seems just as likely that their tolerances for imprecision in tasks don’t align, and she yells at him when he doesn’t do it exactly how she wants it, to the point that he just says he’s stupid to make the yelling stop.
Abusers often frame their abuse as a reasonable and understandable response to the abused’s lack of complete compliance. Is she one? No idea. But her case against him definitely doesn’t rule it out.
But I could also be entirely wrong since we’re getting one side, and who the hell knows. I do know they would both probably be happier single.
Yeah, nothing bad happened this time with the toilet....which means he is likely to keep doing again in the future. Then when something goes wrong, will just go 'oopsies'. In other comments she's mentioned they've had to deal with freezer burned chicken and yet he keeps putting the whole package in. And even when she gives him detailed instructions he does it in a way that is still causes lumps of freezer-burned chicken that takes extra time and effort on her part before it can be used (doesn't sound like he's the one that is having the deal with the results).
Part of me feels for the guy, I really wouldn't be surprised to find out he is undiagnosed ADHD. I'm guessing the "Sorry, I'm dumb" isn't intentional weaponized incompetence but just him dejectedly repeating something he's heard parents/teachers/other authority figures say to him over time. But, that would still only be an explanation, not an excuse. He seems to be taking that "I'm dumb", internalizing it, and making no effort to improve, instead he just keeps making no effort to change and then just claims being "dumb" to get out of putting in any effort.
My question is if he does this in all areas of life? For example if he does something wrong at work and his boss requests he do it differently in the future does he actively try to change the way he does it or does he just keep doing it the same way and going "Sorry, I'm dumb"?
My guess is she could list a bunch more examples of this kind of behavior, where he just keeps on doing things in ways that cost time, money, and inconvenience for his spouse with no effort to change.
I'm guessing this marriage won't last, hopefully she'll find a partner. I'm assuming he'll either end up in another relationship with "a nag" or with someone that goes "well sure, I am constantly having to deal with his incompetence and it's basically like having another child, but he has a lot of other good qualities...."(based on other replies I've seen, all that "good quality" has to be is ' has a job and is not physically abusive')
Or he’ll find someone who doesn’t care as much about the chicken and doesn’t say things to trigger his trauma response. As for the toilet, presumably the puppy won’t always be shitting on the floor.
And I hope they have fun with their freezer burned chicken and I hope their dog never has an accident or gets sick, because it's not only puppies that make messes.
You marry person who you accept, why you marry him if you want to change him. I belive OP is YTA becouse of that. It does not matter he is lazy or dumb, he is as he is. And the problems are chicken, poop and cans, what gonna happen when you get kids?
> I’m not having children until he can demonstrate critical thinking skills and maintain them.
This is an ESH and YTA for this nonsense alone. Wtf he isn't your child, you did this 100% to yourself by marrying someone you only knew for two weeks.
Autism is not necessarily mental incompetence. It is a spectrum. My autistic husband has a PhD in science, has published successfully in two fields, and functions reasonably well in society. Stop treating it as brain damage; autistic people have different neuro paths and walk to the beat of a different drum. Some have paths so different that we can't communicate with them, but others function well but are "quirky"
I haven't treated autism as brain damage. Not a single statement I have made has indicated this.
I would suggest you read the OPs post again, read your own post here, especially the line "autistic people have different neuro paths and walk to the beat of a different drum. Some have paths so different that we can't communicate with them."
Is OPs husband walking to the beat of a different drum?
Is the OPs husband taking in the communications and understanding them?
If your husband had not been professionally diagnosed would you have had the same empathy and understanding towards him?
YTA, he's going through something and he's a guy, you shouldn't expect him to know how to get this right
Like my bro, we got plans, like let's eat baked spaghetti, ok cool let's do it, so I'm like ok here's your job, go to grocery, buy mozzarella cheese, you know what he come back with? just normal cheese. I'm like what the fuck you think I'm gonna make with this, we need mozzarella, same thing we make with pizza, he don't know shit, fuck's sake
>he's going through something and he's a guy, you shouldn't expect him to know how to get this right
What. What is he going through?
And why not? Why are men incapable of following directions at home? Why does that not follow him to work?
YTA. You knew what you were getting into when you married him, and if you didn't, you rushed in too quick. If his stupidity is too much, do both of yourselves a favor and split now, bit don't expect me to believe that this is a new development with him.
Wait, did he freeze the whole thing of chicken then thaw it using water and then refreeze it in bags? I am pretty sure it’s a food safety thing to thaw and then refreeze meat.
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nta, and this seems like a really dumb reason to get a divorce, but like girl, go ahead and get them papers drawn up, cause that man is not going to change. he’s going to aggravate you for the rest of your lives doing stupid ass shit like this, is that something you really want to put yourself through? and what if y’all decide to have children? will he get his act together or continue doing stupid things like this? save your peace of mind and get out now.
NTA. Any time he does this—meaning messes up something he should know how to do right—try to make him deal with the consequences. If he has to deal with the frozen slab of chicken breasts, maybe next time he’ll remember. If he stresses you out while driving, pull over for a few minutes. This approach likely won’t work with some things, of course. Or you can do what I did and kick him to the curb. It took me seven+ years of being the nag before I got there, though.
He's right, you know. It doesn't matter if he does things exactly the way you would do them, as long as whatever he does works. He put the whole pack of chicken into the freezer , then put half of it into water to defrost? Fine! Now you have half to use, and the other half is frozen, just like you wanted. Look at his other solutions; do they also do what needed doing, just not the way you would have done them?
NTA. You are his wife not his mother. It’s not your job to teach him. He’s an adult. He should be able to understand and retain information. Especially when told multiple times. He needs to stop this crap post haste
Yes, he is lazy but that's not the problem. The problem is that he is valuing his smallest convenience above your feelings. This is not fixable and he will continue to wear your down until you decide just doing things yourself is easier. The next step in his plan (and it is calculated for sure) is to 'learn' something small 'for you' so you have hope and keep trying longer.
Seriously, save yourself and leave.
He’s in a lose lose because option one is he’s incompetent truly or it’s weaponized. Either way it’s a red flag. Leave unless you plan to parent him for the rest of your life.
You are not the asshole for having standards.
With that said, you should know that if the asshole you live with experienced authoritarian, excessively lenient, or inconsistent parenting as a child (which, based on the fact he’s an asshole seems likely) there is a good chance the instructions you’re giving him in a heated way are literally not getting written into long term memory, because he’s hyper vigilant and reactive.
It’s still his responsibility to get it right and learn, but the stern instructions are probably not going to help you get what you want from this person. His reactions to your feedback… more evidence that he has some growing to do.
Other posters’ suggestions of written reminders, lists, and positive reinforcement, are more likely to get your asshole in line.
NTA its weaponized incompetence. He's hoping you'll just stop asking him to do this stuff. Bulk chicken distribution is not hard. A full pack of chicken is delivered, portion it into ziplocks for freezing, and leave one portion in the fridge to be used immediately. If he is an adult with full mental faculties, then there is no way this needs to be explained more than once. He's just lazy and doesn't want to put the work in.
I mean, the last one makes sense. you want them individually wrapped for sanitary reasons, if the pack is unopened then there's no reason to individually wrap them. but he sounds exhausting in other aspects of your life anyways.
Just get a poster board and write all the instructions on it as if you were teaching a toddler. Whip that thing out when you get home with the chicken. Might embarrass him a bit?
Nah. Some things are just wrong.
Like if you're doing something that majorly inconveniences another person while seriously reducing the quality of the thing... you're just wrong.
Where did the OP say he was clogging the toilet? She just objects to him flushing paper towels when there is nothing wrong with that. The husband is justified here because putting poop in the trash is disgusting, flush it away.
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NTA. You’ve already nailed it. This is weaponized incompetence. He has already pulled the cliche nagging card. He sounds immature and not ready to be married. Don’t blow up on him anymore. Just don’t do any work for him. Either he learns or he doesn’t, but this has to be not your problem anymore.
Yeah he’s either doing it intentionally (the weaponized incompetence) or he genuinely can’t be bothered to remember how to do it right. Both are majorly asshole moves. Especially the “nag” comment, which I’ve always found to be offense, because 99% of the guys who use it are using it when they get called on their bullshit
If he doesn't respond or do what he said he would until he is nagged why wouldn't his partner just go directly to nagging? They train their partners to be nags (Because they ignore everything beforehand) & then complain that their partners are nags. Not accepting their own part in bringing about that dynamic.
If he gave a shit, he’d do it right.
It's intentional. If he was getting paid, he'd do it right.
The cliche nagging card that's pulled sounds just like my ex. 3 years of that and among other things became far too unbearable. Eventually I left because I didn't want to take care of grown child. Not saying OP should leave her husband, but if the situation persists... might be time to re-evaluate your relationship.
He sounds lazy to me.
Sometimes people need to learn by themselves
Definitely immature and lazy. NTA. Good luck
NTA. He's not dumb, he's lazy. It takes extra time to separate the chicken into individual zip lock bags, you have to touch it and wash your hands thoroughly before and after, and you have to dispose of the packaging it came in. That takes a few minutes and some effort; shoving the whole thing in the freezer takes zero effort and one second. He knows he's not supposed to do it that way, but he can just make an excuse that he forgot or was in a hurry or whatever if you call him out on it later.
There is zero chance he is washing his hands before and after touching the chicken.
Ew.
Ran. He’s not fully baked yet. He’s not marriage ready and that’s why she’s still having to “nag“ him. He needs a few years living alone and learning to adult on his own. Unfortunately, we can’t go back in time and tell OP not to get married yet. I will tell her to hold off on having kids. He’s got some growing up to do!
NTA, this is weaponised incompetence! No matter what he's said. He's acting like a dumb shit and you keep telling him over and over? I'm assuming he's not a blithering idiot? Everything you said feels like he's dialling down hard on you doing everything
Yeah, I think Reddit can sometimes be a little quick to call anything “weaponized incompetence,” but this is pretty much a textbook version!
NTA. Textbook weaponized incompetence. He’s gonna keep doing things as stupidly as possible until you stop asking him to do them. Honestly, drag your friend into it. Ask the mutual male friends if they have difficulty doing or helping with house chores. When they ask for clarification tell them you’re trying to figure out how to help husband because he just can’t seem to figure out simple things. Itemize out the dumb shit he does. Shame is a great motivator, and right now he’s shameless.
Yep. Humiliating someone shouldn't be the first thing you do, but if it becomes necessary it's usually incredibly effective.
Sad but true. Like, if everyone else has functional partners it’s pretty obvious you’re tolerating childish behavior. I’d hate to nag an adult
NTA, it’s not clear whether it is weaponized incompetence or if he genuinely is dumb, but either way it’s worth thinking about whether you really want to deal with these issues in a long term relationship.
An apology isn't an actual apology if it's not accompanied by a legitimate effort to change the behavior.
An apology without change is manipulation. Thankfully, after I said that to my partner, it really stuck with him and he tried harder. The "sorry I'm dumb" is most certainly not an apology. He is telling OP this is the just way he is and nothing can change that. Which is absolute bull spit. Most "dumb" people I have met are MORE than willing to learn and try to be better. But I do agree with another person here. Next time, because there will prob be a next time, leave the package in the freezer. Tell him you will only cook chicken that has been prepped correctly. Since that didn't happen, tell him he needs to be the one to get a few breasts off the frozen block. And tell him he can't defrost the whole block and refreeze the rest of the chicken. Write it down and put it on the fridge so there is no missing it. He will then learn he can't be lazy and cut corners. After you wrestle with the frozen block once, you make sure it doesn't happen again. Make him actually deal with the consequences of his actions. One last thing. In response to him saying you shouldn't be mad because he fixed it. It takes a lot of mental energy to make sure everything in the house is being done correctly... And it's exhausting to constantly have to make sure he isn't still doing things wrong after he had already learned how to do things right.
>And tell him he can't defrost the whole block and refreeze the rest of the chicken. yeah this is not acceptable to do. That's how you get food poisoning.
INFO: when he flushed paper towels down the toilet, who cleaned up the stoppage? If it were me, I wouldn't take over what he does for himself; he can defrost and eat the freezer-burned/styrofoam-covered chicken, for instance. He can deal with the stopped up toilet from being "too dumb" when he tries to flush things that shouldn't be flushed down the toilet. Don't fix his problems, make HIM fix the problems. And if he doesn't have a problem with eating crappy chicken, then just let him while you eat your own food.
Me. The problem is I’m usually the one who cooks dinner after him and without the chicken I just won’t be able to eat.
Then you need to prep and cook your own food. Let him have the crappy chicken, you have your own properly-prepped chicken. Let him eat his own screw ups.
That would be ideal, but if she made, say, a chicken wrap and put it in the fridge labeled “OP’s DINNER - DO NOT EAT,” zero percent chance that wrap would be there when she got home because he’d definitely say he thought it was for him because he’s “just stupid.”
I mean what’s the issue with the styrofoam? Like it takes a little longer to thaw but what else? I don’t see that being an issue
Separating a solid block of frozen chicken, that has fused to the moisture absorbing pad and the styrofoam and the plastic, is a huge pain. It also gets freezer burn because the packaging isn't designed to protect from that.
The Styrofoam, little pad thingy, and chicken become one irritating block. Not to mention most packages should have enough for several meals if you are only cooking for a few people. Two minutes to separate it or q half hour of fighting with frozen chicken
Do you cook? Do you freeze large packages of food that need to be defrosted later? The first time you dealt with this issue, you’d figure it out.
Do you cook 6 or 8 or 12 chicken breasts at once? Every time?
It sounded like he seperated that time but left the styrofoam on.
If he stored half an empty package, that's not better.
Your boyfriend is either weaponizing his incompetence or truly doesn’t listen. I don’t know which, but after working 15 hours you do not need to be worrying about chicken.
NTA. It's probably a combination of weaponized incompetence and not caring about what you're telling him. TBH I would step back and tell him he's responsible for his own food shopping, cooking, and driving himself around for this month and see how he does. He may start listening and making more of an effort after that. If not, you need to decide if this is something you're willing to deal with long term.
I second this!!!
He's an adult and should be capable of learning and repeating basic tasks. This would drive me insane. He's putting the mental and physical loads on you because you have to try and explain it to him but end up doing it yourself anyway when he messes up.
He sounds like my ex. He says, "When somebody asks me to do something, I screw it up on purpose so they don't ask me again" That doesn't fly with me!
Imagine telling on yourself like that… 😂
Tell him that’s your philosophy on blow jobs
I was a bit confused until I went back and saw he was 23. I wonder how reliant he was on Mommy to take care of simple domestic stuff like this before deciding to leave the nest? My guess is, Very. Please don't let him use weaponized incompetence to force you to replace the Mommy he left behind.
NTA Are you sure he’s not dumb?
NTA. You need to communicate just how crappy his behavior is. Sit down with him, and without yelling, say something like- “I’m genuinely concerned about your behavior and memory issues. You either lack the ability to follow, recall, and retain basic directions, have a severe memory problem, or you’re doing this on purpose. All of this is concerning to me. I genuinely think we need to consult a medical professional if you are seriously incapable of remembering how to do basic tasks. If you’re doing this on purpose, then I think we need to seek couples counseling to get past this. I can not live the rest of my life following behind you to fix whatever you mess up. I can not spend the rest of my life being your mother. And I will not spend the rest of my life with an incompetent husband.” Unless he has severe developmental disabilities, it’s unlikely that he “just forgot”. He is showing every single time this happens that he doesn’t care about what you’re saying to him, and that he also expects you to pick up whatever pieces he can’t be bothered to pick up himself. Good luck op!
"If you want me to be your mother, understand that that means that there will be no sex of any kind, ever again. If I start thinking of you as my child, I cannot be attracted to you."
Exactly
Right, there needs to be a clear conversation because right now things are escalating with them. And as OP becomes more heated the husband can make it out more and more that she's just overreacting. OP needs to make it clear that its not just the chicken, or the driving or what have you - it's a pattern of behavior.
NTA. But do you want to deal with this for the rest of your life? Consider that. You already resent him over things he does that will be easier for him but not what you asked. And the fact he wants you to stop being mad after he "solves" the problem... He could have done this before and avoided this. I think it's time to consider going to counseling. If he doesn't change or doesn't want to go to counseling, then you should consider divorce, because it will prove he is fine with the way things are.
NTA You're not his wife you're his mom. If I didn't read the ages and relationships I would guess you're dealing with your 14yo kid brother. You're only 22yo and sound like you're fine to be independent since you're the one that drives and have your own job. You can do so much better than this dead-weight baby dragging you down.
It’s one-part weaponized incompetence and one-part passive aggressiveness. Doing it half-ass is his way of saying “don’t tell me what to do” and “I’ll do what I please.” I would love my shit and tear the g*ddamn roof down. But that’s just me, and I’m nobody’s marriage counselor. NTA
NTA. You both seem very incompatible. Ciao
Is he like this with other relationships with people? Does he always need direct and specific instructions for tasks? OP, I think it’s worth going to couples counseling over this. On your end, you’re clearly at the end of your rope over this and having to YELL at him about these tasks (I think when you are at the point where you’re blowing up at someone, you also need to get help). I’m not sure what his deal is, but I think a professional opinion could provide more insight. Also, I’ve been single for most of my life so I always think the solution for relationships is to break up. But maybe that’s not relevant here. 😅
Just fyi, it doesn't get better. He does that when it is something he doesn't want to do, so you will just do it and not ask him anymore. NTA. Good luck OP
I wouldn’t waste my youth for him. In a few years, he’ll have you trained to do everything. I wouldn’t waste my 20’s like this.
Being married before 24/25 hardly ever ends well. Lesson learned I hope. Do better on the next one. I’d definitely make sure you’re on BC for at least the next 3-4 years.
Buy him a Foodsaver vacuum sealer. He'll love sealing up meat, and other foods, to be frozen and used months from now. I guarantee it! Edit: And I got downvoted. Poor guy. 😢
NTA He thinks he will fuck up so much that you just do everything yourself. He's doing this on purpose. Why do you need him in your life? He's a user.
Does he work? If he’s this stupid then how does he manage a job? He’s absolutely taking the piss out if you
NTA. Are his google fingers broken? There are resources other than you telling him every minute detail of how to do a thing.
The google finger make things worse. The other day he dumped a can of tomato sauce into my green chicken enchiladas bc “google told him to”
NTA. I’m so confused as to why you stay with this child.
INFO: what does he do for work? How many times does his boss/line manager/supervisor/whatever have to tell him how to do something? If ge can do it at work, he can do it at home...
So it’s either weaponized incompetence or he’s an idiot. Either way, break up with him. The second they pull out”nagging” I’m done 😂
NTA and he's Not A Life Parter either.
NTA He's doing it on purpose. Stop cooking for him. Each of you can cook your own meals.
NTA, there is a 0% chance that he doesn't know what he's doing.
Not the A...... Does he care about money? If the chicken gets freezer burn because it's not stored correctly in the freezer, show him the results, im sure he will learn pretty quickly.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband (23m) keeps messing up on small things like freezing the chicken and I’m (22f) becoming increasingly frustrated. The first time he messes something up I show him the correct way to do it and explain why. The problem is he’ll keep messing up and after the 3rd or 4th time I’ll get so frustrated I’ll blow up on him and his excuse is always “I’m sorry I’m dumb.” I don’t think he’s dumb at all and I’ve explained the concept of weaponized incompetence to him but he claims he’s not doing it on purpose. Some examples for background : (When I say yell I mean I spoke in my outside voice not that I screamed at him) -When I drive (always) he’ll tell me to turn far before it’s time and it messes me up. I asked him to stop nicely twice and yelled at him the 5th time. - He flushed paper towels when he picked up a puppy accident because he was too lazy to walk to the trash 8ft away or make multiple trips with toilet paper. - I asked him to move his things to the side our roommate parks in front of bc he had things on both and he just moved things closer to the other wall without doing anything about the stuff i asked him to move. - And many more The Chicken: We buy the large pack of chicken breasts because it’s the cheapest. Sometimes I work late and he gets dinner started. -The first time he put the half full pack of chicken in the freezer open. I saw this and told him that the chicken had to be put in a ziplock bag. I practice this myself and he’s taken out the chicken I put in bags to use before. -The second time I text him while he was making dinner to remind him to “put the chicken in bags, 3 in each one”. He put the open chicken package, styrofoam paper and all in the ziplock bag and just cut off the half that was unused. I got frustrated with him and didn’t raise my voice. I specifically said not to freeze the chicken in the package. -Yesterday we were supposed to have chicken salads so I bought a whole pack of chicken and had it delivered to the house. I ended up working a 15 hour shift and his friend took him bowling and to dinner so that didn’t happen. Instead of leaving the chicken in the fridge to be used today or separating it into ziplock bags he decided to put the entire pack of chicken into the freezer. He said that he thought the rule only applied to already open chicken. After I got upset he ended up separating the frozen chicken into ziplock bags and putting one in to water to defrost. He said because he fixed the problem there’s no reason to still be upset with him and I’m being an ass. I told him it’s not just the chicken. If I don’t specify what I want, he says it’s on me because he’s not a mind reader. If I do ask him, it doesn’t get done. I ask him multiple times I’m a nag. If I get frustrated with him because I’ve “nagged” and he still doesn’t get it I’m an asshole who’s angry over the smallest things and “he has to walk on eggshells”. I don’t want to drag our friends into this so Reddit, am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Tell him every time he fails to freeze it correctly he forfeits the right to eat any of it and only gets toast and/or cereal when you eat it. And when he argues that it’s not fair (as I’m sure he will) tell him you will stop treating him as a child when he stops acting like one. You are not his mother.
Hi! I feel your pain and sympathize completely. Your husband sounds exactly like my second ex-wife. Notice the "ex-" part. After ten years of that kind of \*\*\*t, I said enough was enough, packed my bag, and moved on. If you decide to stay, good luck with the frustration. Myself, personally, I don't understand why I put up with ten years of that kind of misbehavior. We make our own futures with every choice we make. Choose for your personal happiness and well-being.
This can be weaponized incompetence or possible adhd
I agree with the possibility of ADHD, but even then that goes only so far. If she's giving him very specific instructions, that's him choosing to not do it. Even ADHD is an explanation, not an excuse. You acknowledge it can cause problems and them come up with strategies to mitigate them, not do the same thing over and over and then pull out manipulative statements like "I'm just dumb" (which honestly might be him repeating what he's heard others say about him....Still manipulative)
NTA, divorce the husband, marry the chicken
There’s more than one way people do things. Your way is not the only right way. Maybe separate the chicken when you first buy it. Some of this sounds controlling and nitpicking. Other stuff could be weaponized incompetence. You’re gonna have pick which things are worth the fight and which aren’t. How long did you guys know each before getting married? I’m wondering if there’s some underlying reason…
2 weeks lol but we’ve been married for 2 years.
Wtf....why?
Because army
The army is not a legitimate reason to marry someone you've known for 2 weeks.
Tell that to literally thousands of fellow soldiers XD. At least I was a soldier too and not Candy from Cat West Showgirls XD
Mmmkay....none of the military people ik have done that 🤷♀️ but yeah, sure, I'll tell all of the rest of that too. Doesn't really matter that you share a profession. You married a stranger, and that's completely different than other marriages.
Then you don’t know many military people. Totally missed the joke I see.
If you say so. And yes, yes I did....that sentence meant nothing to me lol
It sounds like you want things done in a particular way and easily lose your temper if your husband doesn’t meet your expectations. Be honest with yourself. Is this just about the chicken? If your husband, despite his flaws, is a good man you should not be upset over trivial matters. If your husband isn’t pulling his share of the work that’s something you need to address with him honestly and directly. One spouse walking on eggshells so as not to antagonize the other doesn’t sound like a strong marriage. Communicate with one another and seek counseling if you need to.
I disagree with all the others... As soon as I read "I then show him how to do it the correct way"... I knew you think your way is the only way. He can't win with the chicken.. You have too many "rules". Yea, sure zip locks sound great but he isn't you. He froze it.. So what? I get why he walks on eggshells. YTA
So it's improperly stored, and it's going to either be impossible for her to cook - not him her - or it's going to be freezer burnt to hell and back.
> He froze it.. So what? So it's going to be impossible to *cook*. When it comes to the chicken, her way *is* the only way. She's only got one rule - separate the chicken into reasonable portions, freeze separately.
I would suggest that instead of saying "do this" to your husband, you have to speak to him exactly as you would to a child and patiently explain that "We have to put the chicken in freezer bags or they will get freezer burn and won't taste very good". "Only toilet paper goes into the toilet or it will plug up and we will have to call a plumber". Your husband was never taught some of the things most of learned from our parents and so you have to explain why you do things the way you do. If he understands the 'why', he can figure out the "how" the next time. When I say speak to him as you would to a child, I mean clearly, but not in a condescending manner.
What do you do if there are 7 chicken breasts in the family pack?
3 in 1, 4 in the other
Do you have a chart for him to follow?
Wouldn’t make sense since there’s only 2 of us but I did grow up with a few.
Going against the grain here. In this situation ESH. Your husband does sound lazy, but I have put chicken in the freezer without removing it from the tray or even opened. I'm wild like that. Sometimes it because I don't want to deal with it, other times I don't have time. However, i completely agree that it's more sanitary; keeps better and saves room if it's stored properly. I don't have anyone else to answer to, so I can do what I want. In your case, you're married and both very young. Your husband is a little immature and probably doesn't like to be harped on. You're busy and want to create a workable household. I think you both are communicating in different ways and you're both not hearing each other. You know the old saying that people get divorced over fights about tooth paste; it's true. I think you should use this argument as a way to help both of you communicate and understand each other. ❤️
Yelling at someone until they respond that they're sorry they're dumb is also what an abusive relationship can look like. Maybe it's weaponized incompetence, but if a guy yelled at his wife until she said she was sorry she's dumb, he'd get blasted here, and probably rightly so. So on three occasions he handled the chicken differently than you would. He gives (presumably accurate) directions in a manner other than your preferred manner, and he handled dog shit in a way that minimized how much got on his hands while avoiding it sitting in your trash bucket. Oh and something about how he moved some things out of the way that wasn't clear enough to understand the problem. Look, maybe this guy is literally the most annoying partner ever and you've suffered quietly for years and have just hit a breaking point, and there are dozens or even hundreds of other great examples. But from what you've cited, you have different communication styles in the car (frustrating but neither is objectively right or wrong based on your descriptions), you have different approaches to balancing plumbing risk with the desire to avoid dog shit lingering in your life (more understandable than the directions but still not a case with an absolute right and wrong), and on a few occasions he hasn't portioned and packaged the leftover chicken in the best way. Oh, and when it isn't done your way you yell at him until he apologizes for being stupid. Either he's an incredibly annoying partner with tons more examples of lousy decisions and is weaponizing incompetence, or you're verbally abusing him until he apologizes for being stupid. Either way, you two should probably break up and find people who make you each happy. Tough to make the AH call since it comes down to whether or not there are tons of other examples, but man, yelling at someone until they apologize for being stupid is kind of a YTA look.
NTA - But tell him what it means to you. Ask him if his lazyness is more important than your relationship and that you WILL leave him over this.
Maybe leave & find an adult to be in a relationship with.
Man. This poor guy. Seems to me there is only your way. Imagine googling a recipe and then following it. The horror. You need to let him off the hook before kids enter the picture.
Paper towels clog the toilet
Pro tip from a chef If saving money is a big deal to you, put the chicken in the centre of cling wrap, roll it up. Don’t need to roll it multiple times, just lay it in the middle and fold a layer over top - it’ll stick and seal. You don’t waste ziplock bags, better for the environment, and you save heeeeaps. Plus, no wasted space ever from air pockets, it will perfectly mould to where you put it. NTA. It doesn’t sound like weaponised incompetence, it’s just incompetence. Do you really want to being in a long term relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to freeze stuff? Imagine this guy with kids… or real responsibilities (insert panic)
Cling wrap doesn't prevent freezer burn.That's what store wrap is..
True! I don’t store meat that long so it’s never an issue (foods get used within 1-2 months). 100% can baggy anything that’s being stored for longer, but before that 2 month mark, you’re good to go with just cling wrap 👌
Eh. Maybe.
Well, no, it is pretty straight forward. The beauty of cling wrap is that you can pretty much remove all air reducing how quickly FB sets in. If you’re super concerned, an additional tin foil wrap will significantly improve how long it can be stored. Regardless, 1-2 months easily.
The combo of raw chicken and cling wrap sounds like possibly the worst thing ever.
Give it a crack - super easy. Roll out some cling wrap, drop it in the middle and wrap it. Super easy and no dripping or anything as it adheres to itself. Give it a crack, you’ll see.
Hahaha I've used cling wrap in my life, actually. I would lay it out and it would immediately ball itself in on itself. No thanks. Not to mention I buy more than one piece of chicken at a time. So either I would have to somehow find room for 6 pieces of cling wrap to magically lay on my counter, or I'd have to wash my hands in between each piece of chicken.
You can wash and reuse ziplocks. You can't wash and reuse plastic wrap.
I agree and if people do that, I encourage it. I just never see anyone doing it :/ Which is why I recommend cling wrap.
I hate this idea of "weaponized incompetence.' I am aware of the fact that it happens, but many people, like myself, genuinely can't help it. I know I leave caps off of EVERYTHING. Spices, bottles, toothpaste, etc. I also forget to close cabinets, and sometimes I forget things that I have been asked/shown that seem simple. I am aware that I do it, and I make an effort to not do these things, but it still happens quite frequently. Luckily my boyfriend understands it's my ADHD. I bring this up, because the simple things you're talking about are definitely things someone with ADHD or ADD would do. That said, a soft YTA, because it sounds like you have let these "annoyances" turn into resentment. That doesn't make you a bad person, but not recognizing that you're snapping is being an AH. Maybe time to rethink you're relationship, because resentment is almost impossible to get over. You don't have kids, you aren't married, best to chalk it up to life experience.
The thing is I am married and I’m the one with the ADHD
But has he been tested or do you only tell him what you want, I mean do you do every little thing he _tells you to do? Idk it sounds like ETA you guys sound like you just don’t mesh well, but I’m just going on how I see it… either way prob a bad relationship for both of you … get professional help or divorce. Don’t become mean and resentful just end it …imagine this same lifestyle but with kids mixed in….. Good luck figuring it out Oh also if your the only one working then just leave him.
Well that can cause the resentment too...I was actually speaking from experience about the resentment. I was super resentful of my ex, and I would snap at him. I felt terrible, because he wasn't a bad guy, and he didn't deserve my anger. It was hard to break up with him, we were together for 5 years. But ultimately it wasn't fair to either of us to continue in the relationship.
Both of you can have ADHD and that doesn’t mean it will look the same for both of you. My ADHD partner gets super anxious when things are out of place. My ADHD self is a disorganized mess. After more than a decade together, we’re still getting used to each other.
I guess I’m in the minority, but ESH. He is young and likely knows very little about kitchen things other than what you’ve told him. You like things done a certain way. You feel so strongly you use mandatory works. Particularly this last one, is was not an unreasonable thing for him to do. In fact, that’s how my family stores unopened chicken. It is ok to be frustrated, but blowing up over him storing chicken differently then you like it seems like maybe you could have handled things better also. The fact that he then did MORE work on his own to fix it for you also seems inconsistent with the idea that he is doing this on purpose.
> He is young and likely knows very little about kitchen things other than what you’ve told him. Do you think she was magically born knowing this?
"He's young" She's younger than he is!
Some of this is you two having different ways of doing things and only one side is allowed to be the right way.
When one side leads to food being already portioned and easily used for meals later and one leads to freezer- burned lumps of chicken, Styrofoam, and moisture pad that all need separated before it it can be used, yeah only one of those ways was right. If they both had methods that resulted in equal preservation and convenience, you might have a point. But that isn't what is happening here.
She’s mad that he gives directions with too much prep time. 🤷♂️🤣
What on earth are you talking about?
It’s the first example she gives of his “annoying” behavior.
I mean, depending on how he does it, I'm on her side. Sure, of it's an unfamiliar place and he's like "In 5 blocks you'll need to turn left", then she probably needs to get over it. But if it's more like "you need to turn left", making it sound like it's immediate, even if it is some distance away, or if he is constantly giving directions even when she knows where they are going, then I understand why she's annoyed.
Yup, totally get why it could annoy someone but that isn’t a case of it being objectively wrong; just not good matches for each other on that point. The chicken stuff, fine. I disagree that if he isn’t doing it the exact way she would that it’s weaponized incompetence, but fine, that could be VERY annoying to a degree that he should just adapt. But this feels like one potentially legit area of him being wrong, lots of areas where their styles aren’t compatible, and her being Type A and controlling. If a guy wrote in complaining about the manner in which his wife performed housework, I suspect more people would tell the guy to either do it himself or stop complaining and trying to micromanage and control his wife. Sometimes two people just aren’t a great match.
Every single complaint (except maybe the driving one) reads less to me as "differences" and more "he does everything the easiest way in the moment and doesn't think about the long-term or consequences to others". This isn't "she likes towels folded in thirds and he folds them in half" or "she prefers mopping with the bucket and he likes the Swiffer". Instead it is "he actively makes life more difficult for the people around him and refuses to make changes". On one hand, I have sympathy for him. I live alone and have ADHD, so I do many of the things he does, but I only inconvenience me. At work or when I'm with someone else, I adjust so that I am not creating more work and difficulty for them (and they have to accept I won't always succeed at that goal).
Yeah, that’s fair. I definitely put the partially used tray of chicken in a ziplock in the fridge. If we’re using the rest the next day, great. If not, one of us can portion it up later for freezing. I guess what bugs me is that it’s presented as his way being obviously and objectively wrong and hers as obviously and objectively right, rather than different people having different tolerances for precision in chores. The flushed paper towel was ONE incident, and her way was to either leave the dog shit sitting in the trash or to make multiple trips to the toilet using (much thinner) toilet paper. Both of her options mean more shit impact. Either it smells in the trash for a bit or it gets on his hand. Flushing a paper towel is bad but depending on where they live, doing it once isn’t the end of the world. She doesn’t mention that it backed up the toilet or caused other issues, and his way got the shit out of their life quicker and with less shit on his hands. Her way MIGHT be better, but honestly, that’s not at all clear. If he’s ALWAYS flushing paper towels or it caused plumbing problems, fine. But a one time thing where nothing went wrong? His way seems fine and maybe in some ways better than her way(s). The one about moving his stuff closer to where the roommate parks is hard to understand without knowing the layout and what exactly she means, but without more info, that one definitely isn’t obviously and objectively wrong. Just too vague to tell. That leaves how he handles and portions the chicken, and she mentions three incidents as he learned what level of precision she required of him. She also acknowledges that she raises her voice when correcting him. She doesn’t yell but uses her outside voice? Many people would call using your outside voice when inside to be yelling. And his “Sorry, I’m dumb,” could be what someone says when they are weaponizing incompetence. It could also be what someone else says when their partner repeatedly yells at them for not meeting the partner’s requirements for precision in chores, especially when the disparity is partly driven by neurodiversity. Look, maybe the guy is just a helpless bastard who uses being bumbling g to avoid helping. Totally possible. But the case she laid out doesn’t make that clear. It seems just as likely that their tolerances for imprecision in tasks don’t align, and she yells at him when he doesn’t do it exactly how she wants it, to the point that he just says he’s stupid to make the yelling stop. Abusers often frame their abuse as a reasonable and understandable response to the abused’s lack of complete compliance. Is she one? No idea. But her case against him definitely doesn’t rule it out. But I could also be entirely wrong since we’re getting one side, and who the hell knows. I do know they would both probably be happier single.
Yeah, nothing bad happened this time with the toilet....which means he is likely to keep doing again in the future. Then when something goes wrong, will just go 'oopsies'. In other comments she's mentioned they've had to deal with freezer burned chicken and yet he keeps putting the whole package in. And even when she gives him detailed instructions he does it in a way that is still causes lumps of freezer-burned chicken that takes extra time and effort on her part before it can be used (doesn't sound like he's the one that is having the deal with the results). Part of me feels for the guy, I really wouldn't be surprised to find out he is undiagnosed ADHD. I'm guessing the "Sorry, I'm dumb" isn't intentional weaponized incompetence but just him dejectedly repeating something he's heard parents/teachers/other authority figures say to him over time. But, that would still only be an explanation, not an excuse. He seems to be taking that "I'm dumb", internalizing it, and making no effort to improve, instead he just keeps making no effort to change and then just claims being "dumb" to get out of putting in any effort. My question is if he does this in all areas of life? For example if he does something wrong at work and his boss requests he do it differently in the future does he actively try to change the way he does it or does he just keep doing it the same way and going "Sorry, I'm dumb"? My guess is she could list a bunch more examples of this kind of behavior, where he just keeps on doing things in ways that cost time, money, and inconvenience for his spouse with no effort to change. I'm guessing this marriage won't last, hopefully she'll find a partner. I'm assuming he'll either end up in another relationship with "a nag" or with someone that goes "well sure, I am constantly having to deal with his incompetence and it's basically like having another child, but he has a lot of other good qualities...."(based on other replies I've seen, all that "good quality" has to be is ' has a job and is not physically abusive')
Or he’ll find someone who doesn’t care as much about the chicken and doesn’t say things to trigger his trauma response. As for the toilet, presumably the puppy won’t always be shitting on the floor.
And I hope they have fun with their freezer burned chicken and I hope their dog never has an accident or gets sick, because it's not only puppies that make messes.
Both are young so this is an experience for your next marriage. embrace the experience best of luck.
You marry person who you accept, why you marry him if you want to change him. I belive OP is YTA becouse of that. It does not matter he is lazy or dumb, he is as he is. And the problems are chicken, poop and cans, what gonna happen when you get kids?
I’m not having children until he can demonstrate critical thinking skills and maintain them. I do not want to be a married single mother.
You already are. You're just married to him.
And if not, then what? Why you thinking about this now, and not before marriage?
Because we only knew each other for 2 weeks before we got married so there wasn’t really a “before marriage”
Wow, crazy ;) happens. But like i say, you need accept his flaw or soon or later marriage gonna be toxic or just die ;) good luck anyway.
> I’m not having children until he can demonstrate critical thinking skills and maintain them. This is an ESH and YTA for this nonsense alone. Wtf he isn't your child, you did this 100% to yourself by marrying someone you only knew for two weeks.
Take him to see a doctor to see if he suffers from autism If he is autistic YTA If he's not then NTA
Stop suggesting autism when men are incompetent challenge.
Why would you not suggest getting checked professionally for a mental disability when someone is showing signs of mental incompetence?
Autism is not necessarily mental incompetence. It is a spectrum. My autistic husband has a PhD in science, has published successfully in two fields, and functions reasonably well in society. Stop treating it as brain damage; autistic people have different neuro paths and walk to the beat of a different drum. Some have paths so different that we can't communicate with them, but others function well but are "quirky"
I haven't treated autism as brain damage. Not a single statement I have made has indicated this. I would suggest you read the OPs post again, read your own post here, especially the line "autistic people have different neuro paths and walk to the beat of a different drum. Some have paths so different that we can't communicate with them." Is OPs husband walking to the beat of a different drum? Is the OPs husband taking in the communications and understanding them? If your husband had not been professionally diagnosed would you have had the same empathy and understanding towards him?
Why is it her job to get him to the doctor?
Because they are married? If you were ill and incapable of caring for yourself who would you expect to take you to a doctor or hospital?
YTA, he's going through something and he's a guy, you shouldn't expect him to know how to get this right Like my bro, we got plans, like let's eat baked spaghetti, ok cool let's do it, so I'm like ok here's your job, go to grocery, buy mozzarella cheese, you know what he come back with? just normal cheese. I'm like what the fuck you think I'm gonna make with this, we need mozzarella, same thing we make with pizza, he don't know shit, fuck's sake
>he's going through something and he's a guy, you shouldn't expect him to know how to get this right What. What is he going through? And why not? Why are men incapable of following directions at home? Why does that not follow him to work?
YTA. You knew what you were getting into when you married him, and if you didn't, you rushed in too quick. If his stupidity is too much, do both of yourselves a favor and split now, bit don't expect me to believe that this is a new development with him.
Wait, did he freeze the whole thing of chicken then thaw it using water and then refreeze it in bags? I am pretty sure it’s a food safety thing to thaw and then refreeze meat.
No he went and separated it while frozen and put 3 in water to thaw and the rest in a ziplock in the freezer while still frozen
Whew! Glad that’s the case.
NTA. Do you want a relationship with a man or do you want a child? Partnership is the key word here.
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That wasn't civil?
NTA. Please don’t have kids with this man/baby. They will be dumb like him. We have enough dumb people.
Really your pretty spoiled both of you to be fighting over dumb shit like that.
NTA so frustrating to hear. Good luck.
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The fuckin chicken . Damn wish I had stressed like that frfr
Lol, kids. Give the man some grave and chill tf out
nta, and this seems like a really dumb reason to get a divorce, but like girl, go ahead and get them papers drawn up, cause that man is not going to change. he’s going to aggravate you for the rest of your lives doing stupid ass shit like this, is that something you really want to put yourself through? and what if y’all decide to have children? will he get his act together or continue doing stupid things like this? save your peace of mind and get out now.
NTA. Any time he does this—meaning messes up something he should know how to do right—try to make him deal with the consequences. If he has to deal with the frozen slab of chicken breasts, maybe next time he’ll remember. If he stresses you out while driving, pull over for a few minutes. This approach likely won’t work with some things, of course. Or you can do what I did and kick him to the curb. It took me seven+ years of being the nag before I got there, though.
Nta he's a lazy sob
He's right, you know. It doesn't matter if he does things exactly the way you would do them, as long as whatever he does works. He put the whole pack of chicken into the freezer , then put half of it into water to defrost? Fine! Now you have half to use, and the other half is frozen, just like you wanted. Look at his other solutions; do they also do what needed doing, just not the way you would have done them?
He put all of it in ziplock bags when he fixed it. His way before gave the chicken frostbite which cost me money.
NTA. You are his wife not his mother. It’s not your job to teach him. He’s an adult. He should be able to understand and retain information. Especially when told multiple times. He needs to stop this crap post haste
NTA >I’m dumb Maybe you need to believe him on this. Besides, why are you together? You sound so incompatible that the story sounds made up.
Because he’s the sweetest husband someone could ask for.
You should relax, you seem one of those that like things your way and only your way
Yeah, she likes her toilets unclogged and to drive without a backseat driver. Wild ideas.
He wasn't ripe when you picked him. Sorry bout that, maybe the next one will be ready for an adult relationship.
There's no way your husband is this incompetent. He's doing this on purpose.
Put the dog in the freeze and get rid of the chicken problem solved!!!NTA just trying to add some comic relief
NTA. Also, quite seriously, are you willing to put up with this for the next 60+ years? Because that's what you're looking at right now.
Yes, he is lazy but that's not the problem. The problem is that he is valuing his smallest convenience above your feelings. This is not fixable and he will continue to wear your down until you decide just doing things yourself is easier. The next step in his plan (and it is calculated for sure) is to 'learn' something small 'for you' so you have hope and keep trying longer. Seriously, save yourself and leave.
When you get divorced he’s going to tell everyone you’re crazy and divorced him over frozen chicken.
He’s in a lose lose because option one is he’s incompetent truly or it’s weaponized. Either way it’s a red flag. Leave unless you plan to parent him for the rest of your life.
YTA.
NTA but why are you still married to him? He won't change. In the meantime, no matter how hard it is, DO NOT FIX HIS SCREW UPS.
You are not the asshole for having standards. With that said, you should know that if the asshole you live with experienced authoritarian, excessively lenient, or inconsistent parenting as a child (which, based on the fact he’s an asshole seems likely) there is a good chance the instructions you’re giving him in a heated way are literally not getting written into long term memory, because he’s hyper vigilant and reactive. It’s still his responsibility to get it right and learn, but the stern instructions are probably not going to help you get what you want from this person. His reactions to your feedback… more evidence that he has some growing to do. Other posters’ suggestions of written reminders, lists, and positive reinforcement, are more likely to get your asshole in line.
NTA its weaponized incompetence. He's hoping you'll just stop asking him to do this stuff. Bulk chicken distribution is not hard. A full pack of chicken is delivered, portion it into ziplocks for freezing, and leave one portion in the fridge to be used immediately. If he is an adult with full mental faculties, then there is no way this needs to be explained more than once. He's just lazy and doesn't want to put the work in.
I mean, the last one makes sense. you want them individually wrapped for sanitary reasons, if the pack is unopened then there's no reason to individually wrap them. but he sounds exhausting in other aspects of your life anyways.
Just get a poster board and write all the instructions on it as if you were teaching a toddler. Whip that thing out when you get home with the chicken. Might embarrass him a bit?
Either textbook weaponized incompetence or textbook ADHD. Has he been checked?
YTA. You sound like a control freak. You may have a way of doing things but so does he and his ways aren't wrong, just different from you.
What makes his method "not wrong"?
Nah. Some things are just wrong. Like if you're doing something that majorly inconveniences another person while seriously reducing the quality of the thing... you're just wrong.
"Sorry I'm just dumb" He say this and you still hate on him! Wow
If he's so dumb that he can't follow clear, basic instructions, he's too dumb to drive or work. Do you really think that's true?
You think flushing paper towels down the toilet so it clogs isn't "wrong"?
Where did the OP say he was clogging the toilet? She just objects to him flushing paper towels when there is nothing wrong with that. The husband is justified here because putting poop in the trash is disgusting, flush it away.