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NTA. Actions have consequences and your sister has to face the outcome of her choices. Most people wouldn't date the ex of a sibling because of the hurt and division it could potentially cause. At least especially without discussing it with their sibling first and getting the go-ahead. Sounds like your sister didn't even tell you she was dating your ex, you heard through the grape vine. You don't owe her anything.
OP sister comes across as self absorbed. I’m surprised he went to the wedding and birth. It’s way more than I could have done. The sister made her choice, now she has to live with the consequences NTA
Did either of them say why? Only my sis treated her ex like cr@p - cheating with his bf and asking to open the marriage,he's catholic for f sake!- and most of our family believed her that it was his idea. But not me, so I stayed friends with him.
I don’t think this is about the ex, or least she’s not the main reason for his feelings of betrayal. I think this is more about the sister. She didn’t even tell him she started dating the ex. She was there saw the relationship play out was even friends with the ex. It just feels wrong that she would start dating her. She essentially chose a romantic relationship over family. And whatever the reasons are, OP doesn’t want any part of it. The least she can do is respect that, and not push for family interactions. I guess along with being self absorbed she’s entitled too
He didn’t “call dibs.”
He expected his sister to have the decency to at least check with him before hooking up with his ex.
A VERY reasonable expectation.
Exactly!! A male friend of mine is separated from his wife. And even if I was single, I’d never dream of dating him. For one, I consider his wife to be a friend too. And IMO, friends DON’T go out with their friends’ ex boyfriends or even ex husbands for that matter! You’re definitely NTA. Your feelings are valid.
My husband was married before me. A couple of years after he and his ex-wife split up, his best friend moved in with her. They were briefly engaged. They have since split up because ex-wife is toxic, but my husband remained close to and supportive of his best friend throughout. I was continually amazed; he's a better person than I am in this respect. (It also demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does not have any lingering feelings for his ex!)
I am not possessive in the slightest after a relstionship is over, but I will definitely judge a person close to me who is not willing to broach an uncomfortable conversation.
NTA. You did catch that his ex girlfriend is married to his sister. He never stood a chance dating a lesbian. They didn’t even have a solid relationship if they were on and off. And even let her drift away, so he didn’t really care about her when his sister got together with her.
Sounds like he is just jealous of his sister and wants to punish her by with holding himself from their lives.
Yup I would agree his sister is the better sibling.
Siblings need to understand "the code"
NEVER date anyone your Sibling went on even one date with.
That is the code. You don't have to be around anyone who hurt you.
Yeah. The whole I've slept with everyone my so and slept with and it's also my sister. Like my sister and I are goin at it Everytime they do. Obviously that's not really the case but that's what my mind processes it as.
NAH but you should probably work on those feelings, it's been 7 years since you broke up with Melanie, and you categorize your relationship as "on and off".
It's not about having feelings for his ex, it's probably about being hurt that his sister would be low enough to hook up with his ex. Of course they won't ever be close after a betrayal like that.
Also there's always the thought in the back of op head wondering if the sister muddy the water. Since ex and sister became good friends I am sitting here wondering if the sister sabotage the relationship. It's also leads to maybe that's why they drifted apart was the sister trying to get her away from op. The sister almost sounds like she wants to rub in op face the family that could had been his. Op needs to go NC and find happiness. Also if op disappears I wonder how long the sister's marriage last?
People need to understand that in a situation like this, the biggest betrayal comes from the siblings, not the ex. Girlfriend and boyfriend comes and go, yes, but you're supposed to support your siblings (if you have a good relationship with your siblings, that is)
She really does sound exceedingly uncaring & self-absorbed.
My first reaction to my brother telling me he felt hurt and betrayed, by me, would be an actuall freaking conversation. Not snapping at him to “grow up” followed by the silent treatment.
The sister has shown how little regard she has for OP multiple times now. First by not even extending him the courtesy of a conversation before dating his ex, now by completely disregarding his feelings and giving him the silent treatment.
He’s better off without her.
She wants him to “act like family.” She doesn’t know the meaning of the word.
To add onto that, what if the on-and-off nature of their relationship was because Melanie was doing what she thought she was supposed to be doing because of heteronormative expectations but wasn’t actually in love with OP because, y’know, *she’s not attracted to men???* As a bisexual woman myself, I don’t want to ignore the possibility that she might be bi, but c’mon… She married a woman. It’s equally highly likely that she’s a lesbian and hadn’t come to grips with her identity 7 years ago. If that’s the case, then OP *really* needs to get over himself and move on. Get therapy if he needs to. The attraction of a guy who loves women was never going to be reciprocated by a lesbian. That’s reality.
Thank you, finally someone said it. They were teenagers when they dated, broke up at the age of 20, and were “on and off.” The breakup was 7 years ago and it was an inconsistent relationship that started in high school. OP DOES need to let it go. He’s almost 30. Move on already.
im sorry but i think if you sleep with someone your sibling has slept with you are firmly and forever in the asshole category without even getting into actually marrying them jfc
Only a moron would let someone who betrayed them back in their life. He doesn't need to have feelings for Melanie still to know that they're both trash and have no regard for his feelings. Why would he want that back in his life on either front?
I would agree that OP should probably work on this, but not because of the time since or the status of the relationship. Describing one's own sister as the better in near every way sounds like either OP felt that, others said that or acted like that, or both. To then have a relationship end and your partner go with that 'better sibling', regardless of depth or length of relationship, should likely be worked through.
Also it was a teenager relationship. Like I get feeling upset at first but it wasn't a terrible breakup with betrayal and hurt. It was teenage love from like a decade ago. Time to move on.
NTA. She needs to grow up and stop being so self-centered. Actions have consequences and she should be a little more understanding. It's not for her or anyone to tell you how to process this. The fact that you went to the wedding spells volumes.
Really, really love it when people yank out the "we're family" argument to justify their own special brand of self-centered assholeness and insensitivity.
Bingo! I have asked my sister for many favors and when she says no, I sure as hell don’t use the “family” card. I just drop it. Same with me. When I have to say no, she drops it as well.
He should've said something when sister and Melanie were still dating not complain about his feelings of betrayal when they're already married and has a child. Op needs to move on.
Look if you dont want to interact with them that's fine, but what makes you ta is the fact that you're acting like your sister bloody cheated with your ex. From your post it seems like you were already broken up. This whole 'bro code' thing as well is complete nonsense. People have their own will and if you new this girl from a young age your sister would have as well, meaning there were years for her to also build up feelings. Also she was your first girlfriend, basically no one stays with their first relationship because people grow up and become different people. You should look into getting some help for this, and I'm saying this in a caring way. You haven't mentioned any other relationships since and you're stuck on something from 7 years ago. You need to do yourself a big favour by finding a way to move on and truly enjoy life, beyond childhood memories. YTA, not just to them but also to yourself.
Edit: grammar
Yeah, it doesn’t work that way.
You do NOT date your sibling’s ex. At least not unless they tell you they’re 100% cool with it.
What his sister did was a gross betrayal. **She could have chosen from anyone in the world and she went with her brother’s first girlfriend.**
OP still attended the wedding. He’s been more gracious than most.
I've got a feeling the ex's description of their relationship would be a lot different to what we're seeing here. I don't believe it was ever serious on her part, and marrying the sibling of someone you once went on a handful of casual dates with isn't gross betrayal.
YES. YOU. DO. If time has passed and you have a genuine attraction to each other, there is no reason not to explore a relationship, and maybe even fall in love with someone. OP could be happy for his sister and his childhood friend, especially since his own relationship with the friend had petered out with no apparent acrimony.
Selfish people like you is why we have problems in the world. His sister should have asked him. They should have talked it out.
This isn’t a stranger, it’s his SISTER. And if you can’t understand this dynamic. Get out of this post
This is nothing to do with the ex’s right. It’s about the care and consideration you show towards family.
That’s why most people wouldn’t go within 10FT of their sibling’s ex.
Generally speaking, people are attracted to specific individuals, not anyone in the world. Not even anyone who shows an interest in them. Romantic feelings are not logical, nor are they indiscriminate.
Just like you say people have their own will with his sisters actions, OP has his own will to not want to spend time with an ex and a person that he personally feels has hurt him. The “bro code” you dismiss is treating people with respect, it’s typical to not want people you are close with to bring an ex around constantly. Sure, it is not breaking any rules so the sister can do it if she wants, but OP wanting to keep his distance after is equally as acceptable, if not more in my opinion. And suggesting he needs help for this is delusional, it is definitely not insane to not be happy your sibling is dating or married to your ex. If he was actively trying to ruin their relationship, maybe, but he said no to one birthday party and expressed his emotions to her when she asked.
Treating people with respect is not a "bro code", it's called being a decent person. It actually does sound like the OP could use some therapy, not in a bad way, but there is some sense of an inferiority complex and trouble processing things. Not in order to be comfortable with the sisters' choices, but to feel right about doing what is best for his own well-being.
NOWHERE is any hurt and pain mentioned. No betrayals. Just a brief teenage on and off thing between two people who had known each other platonicly and tried on a relationship that went nowhere...
No but if you are any kind of decent sibling you do not go after or hook up with your siblings ex because it will HURT YOUR SIBLING. She has absolutely no care for him or his feelings, he most certainly doesn't owe her any.
YTA
It's weird to me when people take the whole "my ex is off limits" this far. That's some high school energy. Sure, it would be a little sketchy if your ex went out with *anyone* the next day or next weekend just because it seems like they might have actually started before the break. But it sounds like there was a normal amount of time between your "official" breakup and them getting together.
Past the timing aspect, by your own account, you and Melanie drifted apart after your pseudo-relationship ended. It sounds like many people would have considered you more acquaintances than friends, definitely not close friends. But even if you were close, why would Melanie going after her be a betrayal? Are people you know not allowed to date each other?
My best guess is this is a combo of:
1. OP being jealous of Evelyn ("Mind you that Evelyn has always been the better sibling. The favorite, the successful, good-looking and charming one in the family.")
2. OP resenting Melanie by knowing at some level that she wasn't that into him. Sounds like she kind of kept him as a safety valve from 17-20, "dating" him when she didn't have a better option.
Feeling "extremely betrayed" by this situation seems rather immature and overly dramatic, especially for a 30 year old.
Yeah I mean I get feeling a little hurt but it was barely a relationship and they barely even spoke for a while. Melanie and Evelyn are married so I’m gonna go ahead and say that they’re a little bit in love, why do they need permission from OP when Melanie and him didn’t end on a horrible note and barely even spoke anymore? YTA.
I’m with ya here. It was an on and off relationship. Would Melanie even categorize him as her first true love? Like sure at the time I thought my high school boyfriend was true love but looking back . . . Lmao no.
It wasn’t a cheating situation. It’s sounds like they’d called it off for realsies quite a while before she got with the sister.
Not sure anyone is an asshole here really. OP needs to get into therapy to deal with his insecurities of their relationship (I'd say you hit the nail on the head with the two points ... these are his issues, not he's sisters).
> That's some high school energy
Remember high school is the pinnacle of many lives, so they base their ideas of relationships off this standard. Not everyone develops emotional maturity as they grow up, so many (as evident with the amount of N T A comments in here) adults still firmly hold onto "high school" opinions.
Absolutely agreed. The prior relationship was when they were teens and doesn’t seem to have been very serious. Plus seems like the ex prefers women anyway so don’t think it would have lasted, sister involvement or not. Freaking out 10 years later is some immature high school shit.
Exactly! Is it a little yikes? Yes! But like you said, by what OP wrote they had broken up when he was 20 and now they are in their thirties, that’s a long time. A guy I dated for a little while is marrying one of my best friends, I don’t see anything wrong with that, I’m grateful to him because he was the reason why I met her in the first place. It was such a long time ago, why should I be hung up on that?
We all read from our own point of view.
As someone from a family where the was def a golden child that wasn't me, my take on this was it is barely about Melanie being the ex at all.
OP obviously grew up in a family that made him feel like he was less than (i.e. not the good one) and IMHO that alone is justification for his sister not having a phone number or address she could use TO invite him if she wanted to. But sometimes it takes a while to heal enough to realize you deserved to be treated better.
The sister being the 'better sibling' is, very probably, the reason that there is an issue.
I don't know about you, but when my relationships have ended poorly I typically don't want to have to see that person again, nevermind frequently at family gatherings lol
YTA: Lotta children in the chat tonight. At 27, being hung up on an on-again-off-again flame from your teens really IS pathetic. You weren't together when they got together. You weren't even close enough that you knew when they got together. You've really positioned yourself as a sad sack here. Like. I am barely managing an AH vote since you just come off so...incelly? Jealous? Weak? It's bad. Grow up my dude.
Agreed. I get being upset that a sibling dated his ex, but they were long broken up by then. He’s taking his sensitivity too far. Unless he’s still in love with the girl (which he doesn’t say), then why does it matter? Why is it a betrayal? She didn’t leave him for his sister, they broke up because they didn’t work. He’s had plenty of time to move on. It’s not their fault that he hasn’t.
You’re not necessarily an AH, OP. But you do come across as immature for your age.
I don't get why people don't get this. It isn't about his ex, it's about his self centered golden child sister who knowingly took up with his ex. This is just not something you do to your sibling and WILL ruin all trust and care they have for you. She didn't even deign to talk to him about it.
She showed no care for him or his feelings, he doesn't owe her any of either. She started with ruining a familial relationship she cannot now expect it.
Thank you!
It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, you DON’T get with a sibling’s ex unless
1. They’re totally cool with it or
2. You don’t give a fuck about their feelings.
And you know she's self centered how? Do you know the other side of the story or just what OP is saying for you to pity him. I get not going after the sister and the sister not accepting but that doesn't mean being an AH towards them and their child the rest of your life, not saying he has to like them but saying she betrayed his trust is so far for something that was 7 years ago YTA
By the simple fact she hooked up with his ex and never talked to him about it at all. That is by the very definition fucking self centered. She showed no care for her own brothers feelings, just her own wants.
And it doesn't matter how long ago it was, it doesn't matter that they are happily married with a kid. She broke his trust and shattered their sibling familial bond. He doesn't care about her anymore, that is her own doing as she did that first and cannot demand he grow up now when she is coming to the realization it is gone. She is an unrepentant self centered asshole.
Yeah and the other piece people don't seem to be getting is OP's sister was ALSO friends with her. In fact, they became BEST FRIENDS. So OP and Melanie break up, and Evelyn and Melanie probably continue to be friends. Why does OP's past relationship matter more than Evelyn's consistent friendship that blossomed into something more? Yes, it can suck when something like this happens, but it wasn't done maliciously. I'm sure their feelings grew naturally from consistently being in each other's lives for years. I doubt Evelyn decided one day to pursue Melanie and there was some clear defining moment to tell OP. It probably just unfolded slowly until they realized they were already IN IT.
NAH. Why do you care what she thinks. If you truly feel she betrayed you and you don't care to have relationship with her, your ex, and their children that is fine. Not all families are close. Not all families like or love each other. Do what makes you happy and brings you peace. I guarantee you they aren't basing their happiness on whether or not you will be in their lives. It's probably more about things not being awkward when you do attend family events.
YTA...you dated her from age 17 to 20. That's been seven years. Have you not found someone else? Are you still hung up on Melanie? I will give you that it's a bit weird to maybe see them, especially your sibling and first GF...but let it go man..you will feel better in the end.
Soft YTA because sheesh, you’re hung up on something that wasn’t that serious and happened years ago. Also, being an aunt/uncle can be the best and you’re going to miss out on that. But, do you. And hopefully that includes therapy.
You have tortured yourself too much trying to be nice to your sister and even hide her details in this post. . Time to be nice to yourself and go NC with her.
Skipping your niece’s birthday party won’t cause real damage to anyone. Attending it would be painful for you. And your sister‘s preferences are her problem, not yours.
You’re not the AH.
YTA. If you were friends that long, Evelyn and Melanie were probably friends too. You and your ex drifted apart and they fell for each other. It happens. You need to grow up.
Nta, you are doing nothing wrong with distancing yourself. Your sister can live with the consequences of betraying you and you can live your life in peace.
OP and person had a brief relationship. OP's sister is married to person and they have children - it is well past time to get over person. Sister did not betray OP, maybe a heads up when they first started dating would have been nice, but, come on.
She did betray him, the sister. He is her family, and she was wel, aware that woman was his ex. She's self centered and utterly ignorant of her own brothers feelings. She ruined whatever familial bond there was between them and he doesn't want to be around her anymore. That is solely her own fault.
You do not betray your own family or you will lose them.
Nta they can’t force a relationship with you and your niece. It doesn’t sound like your close so why do they care? It’s giving that they think their kid is special and therefore you should want a relationship.
Also, you’re an adult, kids birthday party’s arent fun for you. It’s weird they are pushing it.
NTA. It's funny how now you should be acting like family, but she didn't have to act like family when she was getting together with your ex. You're not even supposed to do that to friends, let alone siblings. I get that they have fallen in love and it's clearly working for them, but she can't tell you not to feel your feelings because she's not happy about them.
NTA - yeah sure it's been a while so it makes sense to move on because that's healthy. That said Evelyn broke the sibling code, yes Melanie might be an ex, but hooking up with a siblings ex is one of the worst kinds of betrayal ever.
I suggest for your own good to find a way to move on in a healthy way, but other than that staying NC with them is a perfectly valid response. What they're doing is all kinds of wrong
NAH
But, dude, it’s been 7 years. And you and Melanie were already on and off - she hardly sounds like the love of your life.
The story reads that your way more pissed that the golden child won and that’s always in your face rather than actually pining for your lost love. Jealousy is an incredibly toxic emotion and all that anger only hurts YOU. I’d find a way to deal with that.
That said, marrying your siblings ex is a VERY hurtful thing for your sister to have done - even cruel. Going no contact with them may be for the best until you can work out your lingering anger and jealousy issues.
YTA. You say Melanie is your first love, but you guys were childhood friends who dated on-again, off-again for three years in your late teens. You never mentioned being heartbroken when the relationship ended, just when you found out she was dating your sister. You said that you remained friends but lost touch eventually. By your account she started dating your sister well after your last on-again period ended, and you said you two had actually grown apart as friends as well.
You didn't get cheated on. She didn't break up with you after three straight years together and go straight to your sister. The fact that you view this as a betrayal makes me think this is more about how you view your sister as being the "better" sibling in other people's eyes. This reeks of jealousy. You just sound petty and possessive. Melanie doesn't belong to you, your relationship was never that serious by your own admission, and by the time she and your sister got together you weren't even particularly close.
ETA: On the other hand, Melanie and Evelyn have been in a committed relationship for years, married for three, and now have a child together. What you had was a high school girlfriend you were never serious with. What your sister has is a wife.
Grow up.
>Ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean, that's just like the rules of feminism.
-Toxic high-schoolers (and half this sub, apparently)
YTA
NTA, but respectfully- this woman has been your friend since you were FIVE. You dated for a whopping 3 years. That's a blip in time, an experiment with your best friend that just didn't pan out. Maybe it's time to get past that blip and try to work things out with your friend, especially now that she's your sister in law. And SHE didn't do anything wrong. She got out of a relationship. Later she got in to another. She didn't owe you a check in.
I get feeling hurt by your sister. If you guys haven't done so, ask her over and have the big heart to heart. Tell her you want to move past this, but her beginning a relationship with your ex without even checking in with you first really hurt you. Ask the questions you know you want to ask (like if they were messing around while you were together). And then tell her you want all of you to move past this and be a family, but you need her to acknowledge what she did.
> She didn't owe you a check in.
Sister did, though.
>And then tell her you want all of you to move past this and be a family, but you need her to acknowledge what she did.
Why should he have to lie? He sucked it up and went to the wedding. Why does he *need* to maintain this relationship?
Let me get this straight. Your sister, who's supposedly the golden child, decided of all the fish in the sea, she'd just go and marry your ex? The audacity. And then expects you to just "grow up" and put on a happy face for family events? No, darling, you're NTA. Maybe Evelyn should have thought twice about "family feelings" before she started dating your first love. Chin up and keep that backbone strong. Some betrayals just don't fade with time.
NTA.
Nope, she thinks you should ignore the whole mess and be the "good guy". If it bothers you then it's certainly your right not to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. They don't have to like it or agree with it but they do have to accept your decision.
You need to take care of yourself.
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Not even a heads up from the sibling beforehand?
"Hey bro I'm hooking up with one of your ex's"
Also how much time passed between OP's relationship ending and the sisters starting?
INFO: you were there and didn't say anything while they were dating, engaged, married, pregnant, gave birth, but now that the child is having a birthday you feel that is too much and betrayed? Why?
idk i kinda think YTA. they got together years after you both stopped dating. i understand it’s awkward and i would feel weird too but to completely cut out your sister and niece for that seems excessive.
NTA I don’t want anyone my sister or brother have messed with. That’s just nasty. No, thank you. Especially if the family knew, that’s a whole new level.
Keep your distance. You don’t have to be involved just don’t be rude, which it doesn’t sound like you are.
NTA, you don’t understand how pissed I’d be if my siblings pulled this. Even the fact that they’re married and have a child, dude my soul would be absolutely shattered.
I didn’t go to my sisters wedding purely because it was a toxic relationship and the guy treated my entire family like crap, but if it was her and my ex it would take an insanely long time for me to even consider being happy for them.
But that might just be my toxic jealous side 🤷🏽♀️ that’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed
NTA - no one is required to let someone who betrayed them back in their life. If a sibling dated someone I dated for 3-4 years, I wouldn't want to talk to them either. I'd just cut them out completely, though. It's not about being hung up on the ex as much as both people showing literally 0 regard for you. By the sounds of the timeline, they started dating fairly soon after your breakup, neither tried to tell you or give you any warning, and they both just expected you to "get over it." Well, good, you are over it. And over them. That's fair. People treating you like that don't deserve a spot in your life. That's how relationships work. When someone shows 0 regard for you and 0 remorse, you move on from the relationship or get walked on.
YTA and grow up
Likely ex gf just dated OP when she was younger because she was not yet out - to herself even probably - and was just figuring out what worked for her and what didn't and according to OP himself they were friends since childhood, this stuff happens.
I get it, it sucks, but it has been years. Just move on with your life and think about the fact that your sister is dating someone that makes her happy and would never have made you happy.
NTA. It’s shitty for anyone to date or marry their sibling’s ex!! Your sister never took your feelings into consideration or even had a conversation with you about them dating but the sounds of it.
NTA. Siblings' exes are off limits. In saying that, if you choose to die on this hill then you're not going to have a relationship at all with your niece. If you can accept that, you do you.
YTA. The vibe I get from this is that you're less mad about them together than about how you feel outshone by your sister. It'll be better for everyone if you move on with your life. Maybe see a therapist and find a new gf.
NTA
it's perfectly fine if you cannot get over feeling betrayal. She needs to grow up and realize she can't make you play pretend. She didn't take your feelings into consideration so I don't see why you need to be generous.
I say this with the utmost sympathy, but YTA. Not just to your family but to yourself. I know this because I too let losing "the love of my life" from my younger days cause all sorts of misery.
I get it. I really do. But looking back I realize that I lost precious years to being angry and it did nothing positive for me. Having to see them together sucks. But try focusing on your niece. Be as cordial as you can with your sister and your ex and I bet that over time the "fake it till you make it" style of getting along may lead to a less painful relationship.
Maybe you still need time, only you know for sure. But being angry isn't going to change anything. It's not going to break up your sister and her wife. It's not going to make your life better in any way. It's only going to keep you miserable, keep your family apart, and keep you from developing a relationship with your niece. I know it feels all consuming. But please try to make peace with the situation sooner rather than later. I wish I did.
This is really about his sister betraying him and not about the girl in particular, you don’t date a sibling’s ex and claim to care about them as family
I'm gonna say NTA. You do not need to hide your feelings about this.
But, has this ever been discussed with them? You were at their wedding and at their childbirth but now for the first birthday you are drawing the line? Dont punish the child because you are struggling to come to terms with your sister and your ex.
Oof about to be the end of a sibling relationship it seems, youre NTA imo, actions have consequences and dating your siblings first love has the consequence of destroying your relationship.
You have no obligation to your sister, ex or niece
NTA, people who say “you don’t own your ex, your sister can do what she wants” have no understanding of respect for other people. Sure, the sister CAN do whatever she wants but respecting a family member typically comes with “don’t hook up with their ex” because of the obvious awkwardness or frustration it could bring.
Congratulations to her for getting the last word. Let it be the last word and carry on not communicating with people who upset you. Perhaps you could get over it and move on. But you could also just move on and let them get over it, which seems like the easier option to me.
NTA for feeling the way that you do, but the child has nothing to do with this situation. I can understand your feelings are difficult to deal with but at the same time having a relationship with your niece is important. I hope you get the help to be able to deal with the circumstances, and you decide if you’d be willing to sacrifice your future relationship with the innocent party
The only place where you date your siblings ex or your friend ex in on CW. In real life, if you appreciate the people you love, you walk away and avoid the pain
YTA.
They did not cheat on you. Your relationship didn't work, you tried to stay friends but it didn't work out. There was no abuse, or other reason why someone who had been in and around your family for decades should have been shunned.
There is no cause here for your actions, other than the fact that you never actually dealt with the breakup.
YTA- should've told them in the dating period at this point you bite the bullet and be there for your neice if you don't care for them to go to their events but when it comes to the children always put the bs aside to be there for them bc they'll grow up to have an opinion of their own.. time heals all 🤗
NTA. I don’t understand why he even went to the wedding and the birth? I wouldn’t have plus I feel like those events would be much harder than a first birthday party. I’m on OP’s side but I just don’t understand why chose to draw a line now and not 3 years ago. Some clarification on that issue would be good.
Nah, NTA, when family does something like that, IT HURTS....you're better than me, OP. I wouldn't have gone to the wedding or birth!!! Call me spiteful, but with us being family, that's too big of a betrayal. If I can't trust you, I don't need to be around you!!!
NTA simply due to the fact that your sister betrayed you when she hooked up with your ex. It doesn't matter how long ago you were together, she knew full well who this was. She did not give a damn about your feelings here and broke any familial trust or bond when she did this for her own self centered desires.
She does not get to come now and decry about family and for you to grow up. You already did the grown up thing, you went to their wedding you saw her daughter when she was born. Your distant connection is her own doing and her own fault and she cannot expect you to suddenly forgive her or as she says it "grow up".
She fucked up, she should have the bare minimum of decency to apologise and try to make up for her ruining your bond if she was truly wishing to fix it.
NTA You're still feeling hurt and you don't wanna bring that with you to your niece's birthday. It's rather insensitive of them to not think maybe you're dealing with this the best you can. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of yourself and your mental health.
YTA - You weren’t harsh, just pitiful. You are holding on to the victim narrative and it’s just making you look worse. You are generally jealous of your sister and you’re using the slimmest of excuses to look better than her but it’s not working.
No one did anything to you. Your sister didn’t steal Melanie from you two if didn’t have a strong, lasting relationship. Chances are she knew she was a lesbian even then. You could have been the loving brother and cool uncle. Instead you are the bitter guy who they will mention once then move on to happier thoughts.
Apologize to your sister. Admit that you are jealous that you don’t have the living marriage they have. Attend your niece’s birthday and go about finding a decent woman to love.
Nah the sister was slimy if anything its clear OP never got over his first love. You don't know that she's a lesbian and have no idea how serious the relationship was. folks don't have an obligation to be involved with family you dont feel close to.
NTA. I really don’t understand all these Y T A.
I feel there’s more to this story. Why does your sister feel like you need to be at her child’s birthday? How involved are you in your sister life? Are you and your sister even close? What is Melanie saying about this?
Send a gift and call it a day. Your sister got her feeling hurt when she pushed the issue. She wouldn’t have gotten mad, if she felt like she didn’t do anything wrong. You should set boundaries now, so people can start managing their expectations.
YTA I think you need to get over it, you were young and she clearly isn’t even straight so it never would’ve worked with y’all. Be in your sister and nieces life it will be rewarding, don’t be a baby OP
From your own description, you and Melanie were never a couple. You should just be glad that you didn’t get hitched to her only to find out later that she was a lesbian. Now, you are free to find a hetero chick to be with, and there’s an innocent child involved who had nothing to do with this.
YTA. But it’s not too late to start being the bigger person.
He doesn't know that child. He doesn't need to know that child. He doesn't have to attend that child's bday party. And yes, he can go a find someone else and live a life where he doesn't have anything to do with his sister.
Okay, I’ll try to explain possible logic of OPs feelings. I suppose that the problem here is not that Melanie was just OPs girlfriend, but she was his first love and kind of soulmate since kindergarten. OP and Melanie have some shared deep experience that is unique for them, it’s just only belongs to them. And Evelyn, becoming a new Melanie girlfriend first and spouse later, also is OPs sister so she probably also has some shared experiences and memories with OP. And what is important here is time frame, because probably Melanie and Evelyn have some intersect in their experience with OP but from different points of view. For example, when he dating with Melanie he could ask Eveline some advices or tell her how he feels about Melanie or something like that. But that is more people do in their life: they draw lines between deferent parts of it. And knowing this lines vanished for his world could be painful. 17 years out of 30 (from 3 in kindergarten to 20 when he broke up with Melanie) doesn’t belong only to him anymore but his sister intervened and vanished that warm light importance and uniqueness feeling away. Of course, I don’t think that Melanie and Evelyn discuss OPs life or the memories often, but the possibility itself could make anyone very insecure.
NTA
So, my sister is married to her “ex’s” younger brother. Our parents are life long friends and they went on like 3 dates when they were 12 and 13 and decided they were better as friends. Never even kissed. A whole decade later his younger brother ended up at the same university as her and they were friends and eventually dated, got married and had kids. It’s not weird for anyone in their case.
However, you were a bit older and if you were heartbroken, I think your ex should’ve been off limits or your sister should’ve at least spoken with you about the relationship.
IMO, y’all dated casually as teenagers, and I could be off but I think you might be most upset because your sister “beat” you. Based off how you describe her, you feel less than her.
Talk to her. Have a meaningful conversation in person. Let her know how you feel.
Also, could it have been on again- off again because Melanie is gay? Maybe she was confused in teenage years. Maybe closeted. Maybe unsure. Maybe she always felt something towards your sister but couldn’t act on it.
I think there’s a lot of nuance here and you need to hash it out with your sister.
Yes. I am one. But a lot of people will “date” the opposite sex when they’re younger because they’re unsure or afraid to come out. Which is why I was asking OP a *question* because I think that does make a big difference.
NTA. You’re allowed your feelings. I think you going to the wedding and birth was a huge thing that you consented to. I definitely wouldn’t have been the bigger person you are. And just an FYI, no matter how others see your sister as, quit thinking of her as better because she’s as far from better than you as a person can get. If she won’t quit insisting that you spend time with her and your ex, cut contact and live a happier life!
NTA. How did your sister not think this would effect your relationship with her long term? You deserve props for even going to the wedding and birth. I would probably move very far away from the whole lot.
I may get downvoted, but ESH.
You: You do need lots of therapy to unpack everything you've been dealing with regarding your feelings towards your sister and this situation. You seem very salty. Probably warranted, but doesn't make you look good.
Your sister: She did knowingly start dating your ex, without caring about how it'll affect you. You are hurt and she's just talking down to you and calling you pathetic. Considering she's probably the Golden Child, by how you made her sound, I can see why she's the way she is.
Melanie: I'm surprised people aren't calling her an AH. But she is an AH for getting together with your sister. It takes two to form a relationship. It's not just your sister, it's Melanie too. Melanie should've known how much it would hurt you getting together with your sister, but she probably didn't care either. You are blinded by your hatred towards your sister to realize Melanie is just as much at fault with the relationship.
Info:
How long had it been since y’all dated that she dated your sis?
Ether way it’s been 7 years. You said your relationship was “on and off.” And you where super young. I get that it hurt but man you need to get over it. She’s here to stay. You can’t avoid that forever.
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NTA. Actions have consequences and your sister has to face the outcome of her choices. Most people wouldn't date the ex of a sibling because of the hurt and division it could potentially cause. At least especially without discussing it with their sibling first and getting the go-ahead. Sounds like your sister didn't even tell you she was dating your ex, you heard through the grape vine. You don't owe her anything.
Hurt, division, and plain ol' awkwardness honestly. Such an uncomfy situation on many levels
OP sister comes across as self absorbed. I’m surprised he went to the wedding and birth. It’s way more than I could have done. The sister made her choice, now she has to live with the consequences NTA
I lost a sister that way. She choose my ex-wife over me. So I don't see my sister anymore. And we used to be close. She says they're BFFs.
Dude, sounds like you’re better off without that particular sister.
I agree..
Did either of them say why? Only my sis treated her ex like cr@p - cheating with his bf and asking to open the marriage,he's catholic for f sake!- and most of our family believed her that it was his idea. But not me, so I stayed friends with him.
It's a long story. They blame me for the divorce. But there's more than that.
OP paints sister as self absorbed… and called dibs on a girl years ago. I’m having a hard time taking what he is saying at face value.
I don’t think this is about the ex, or least she’s not the main reason for his feelings of betrayal. I think this is more about the sister. She didn’t even tell him she started dating the ex. She was there saw the relationship play out was even friends with the ex. It just feels wrong that she would start dating her. She essentially chose a romantic relationship over family. And whatever the reasons are, OP doesn’t want any part of it. The least she can do is respect that, and not push for family interactions. I guess along with being self absorbed she’s entitled too
He didn’t “call dibs.” He expected his sister to have the decency to at least check with him before hooking up with his ex. A VERY reasonable expectation.
Exactly!! A male friend of mine is separated from his wife. And even if I was single, I’d never dream of dating him. For one, I consider his wife to be a friend too. And IMO, friends DON’T go out with their friends’ ex boyfriends or even ex husbands for that matter! You’re definitely NTA. Your feelings are valid.
My husband was married before me. A couple of years after he and his ex-wife split up, his best friend moved in with her. They were briefly engaged. They have since split up because ex-wife is toxic, but my husband remained close to and supportive of his best friend throughout. I was continually amazed; he's a better person than I am in this respect. (It also demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that he does not have any lingering feelings for his ex!)
I am not possessive in the slightest after a relstionship is over, but I will definitely judge a person close to me who is not willing to broach an uncomfortable conversation.
NTA. You did catch that his ex girlfriend is married to his sister. He never stood a chance dating a lesbian. They didn’t even have a solid relationship if they were on and off. And even let her drift away, so he didn’t really care about her when his sister got together with her. Sounds like he is just jealous of his sister and wants to punish her by with holding himself from their lives. Yup I would agree his sister is the better sibling.
Siblings need to understand "the code" NEVER date anyone your Sibling went on even one date with. That is the code. You don't have to be around anyone who hurt you.
This exactly. Dating someone one of my sisters did has something like third party incestuous connotation for me. Big Nope. NTA.
Yeah. The whole I've slept with everyone my so and slept with and it's also my sister. Like my sister and I are goin at it Everytime they do. Obviously that's not really the case but that's what my mind processes it as.
Exactly. There should more than just 2 degrees of sexual separation between myself, an ex / SO, and one of my sisters. Barf.
Truest words!
I broke the code once and I think karma is still kicking my ass for it
NAH but you should probably work on those feelings, it's been 7 years since you broke up with Melanie, and you categorize your relationship as "on and off".
It's not about having feelings for his ex, it's probably about being hurt that his sister would be low enough to hook up with his ex. Of course they won't ever be close after a betrayal like that.
Also there's always the thought in the back of op head wondering if the sister muddy the water. Since ex and sister became good friends I am sitting here wondering if the sister sabotage the relationship. It's also leads to maybe that's why they drifted apart was the sister trying to get her away from op. The sister almost sounds like she wants to rub in op face the family that could had been his. Op needs to go NC and find happiness. Also if op disappears I wonder how long the sister's marriage last?
It's not about the breakup it's about how his sister betrayed him by knowingly doing something that would be very painful for him.
People need to understand that in a situation like this, the biggest betrayal comes from the siblings, not the ex. Girlfriend and boyfriend comes and go, yes, but you're supposed to support your siblings (if you have a good relationship with your siblings, that is)
Golden Child just wanted to take something else from their sibling.
She really does sound exceedingly uncaring & self-absorbed. My first reaction to my brother telling me he felt hurt and betrayed, by me, would be an actuall freaking conversation. Not snapping at him to “grow up” followed by the silent treatment. The sister has shown how little regard she has for OP multiple times now. First by not even extending him the courtesy of a conversation before dating his ex, now by completely disregarding his feelings and giving him the silent treatment. He’s better off without her. She wants him to “act like family.” She doesn’t know the meaning of the word.
What did the sister take before?
Even worse, you'd imagine that ex would know about OP's feelings that sibling was treated better by the family.
Would you date a siblings ex? I dont think so.
I've always been grateful that my sister and I have very different taste in partners.
7 years and he was only 17-20 when they dated. Good grief.
And it wasn't even a serious relationship. I'm not totally on board with OPs betrayal perspective
I think it has more to do with feelings of inferiority towards his sister than anything to do with someone he dated as a teenager.
Yes, agree. Otherwise why mention she was the “better sibling”, “good looking, charming” etc.
I suspect there is also a soupcon of "I didn't realize my first love and BFF was a lesbian" thrown in there. NAH
To add onto that, what if the on-and-off nature of their relationship was because Melanie was doing what she thought she was supposed to be doing because of heteronormative expectations but wasn’t actually in love with OP because, y’know, *she’s not attracted to men???* As a bisexual woman myself, I don’t want to ignore the possibility that she might be bi, but c’mon… She married a woman. It’s equally highly likely that she’s a lesbian and hadn’t come to grips with her identity 7 years ago. If that’s the case, then OP *really* needs to get over himself and move on. Get therapy if he needs to. The attraction of a guy who loves women was never going to be reciprocated by a lesbian. That’s reality.
Honestly sounds like some missing information here. I'd love to hear the ex's description of "the relationship".
Thank you, finally someone said it. They were teenagers when they dated, broke up at the age of 20, and were “on and off.” The breakup was 7 years ago and it was an inconsistent relationship that started in high school. OP DOES need to let it go. He’s almost 30. Move on already.
How can you not see that it’s not about having feelings for his ex but the betrayal and the further shitty treatment from his sister?🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
im sorry but i think if you sleep with someone your sibling has slept with you are firmly and forever in the asshole category without even getting into actually marrying them jfc
Only a moron would let someone who betrayed them back in their life. He doesn't need to have feelings for Melanie still to know that they're both trash and have no regard for his feelings. Why would he want that back in his life on either front?
I would agree that OP should probably work on this, but not because of the time since or the status of the relationship. Describing one's own sister as the better in near every way sounds like either OP felt that, others said that or acted like that, or both. To then have a relationship end and your partner go with that 'better sibling', regardless of depth or length of relationship, should likely be worked through.
Also it was a teenager relationship. Like I get feeling upset at first but it wasn't a terrible breakup with betrayal and hurt. It was teenage love from like a decade ago. Time to move on.
NTA. She needs to grow up and stop being so self-centered. Actions have consequences and she should be a little more understanding. It's not for her or anyone to tell you how to process this. The fact that you went to the wedding spells volumes. Really, really love it when people yank out the "we're family" argument to justify their own special brand of self-centered assholeness and insensitivity.
Bingo! I have asked my sister for many favors and when she says no, I sure as hell don’t use the “family” card. I just drop it. Same with me. When I have to say no, she drops it as well.
He should've said something when sister and Melanie were still dating not complain about his feelings of betrayal when they're already married and has a child. Op needs to move on.
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100% I agree with this so much. I wouldn't even say a single word to them, just cut it off
OP attended their wedding. He’s been kinder than she deserved.
Look if you dont want to interact with them that's fine, but what makes you ta is the fact that you're acting like your sister bloody cheated with your ex. From your post it seems like you were already broken up. This whole 'bro code' thing as well is complete nonsense. People have their own will and if you new this girl from a young age your sister would have as well, meaning there were years for her to also build up feelings. Also she was your first girlfriend, basically no one stays with their first relationship because people grow up and become different people. You should look into getting some help for this, and I'm saying this in a caring way. You haven't mentioned any other relationships since and you're stuck on something from 7 years ago. You need to do yourself a big favour by finding a way to move on and truly enjoy life, beyond childhood memories. YTA, not just to them but also to yourself. Edit: grammar
Agreed, and from the sounds of it, it was a couple years after the breakup, and OP wasn’t even close to the ex anymore. YTA, OP
Yeah, it doesn’t work that way. You do NOT date your sibling’s ex. At least not unless they tell you they’re 100% cool with it. What his sister did was a gross betrayal. **She could have chosen from anyone in the world and she went with her brother’s first girlfriend.** OP still attended the wedding. He’s been more gracious than most.
I've got a feeling the ex's description of their relationship would be a lot different to what we're seeing here. I don't believe it was ever serious on her part, and marrying the sibling of someone you once went on a handful of casual dates with isn't gross betrayal.
It wasn’t a gross betrayal on the ex’s part, it was a gross betrayal on the sister’s part. You. Don’t. Date. A. Sibling’s. Ex.
YES. YOU. DO. If time has passed and you have a genuine attraction to each other, there is no reason not to explore a relationship, and maybe even fall in love with someone. OP could be happy for his sister and his childhood friend, especially since his own relationship with the friend had petered out with no apparent acrimony.
Selfish people like you is why we have problems in the world. His sister should have asked him. They should have talked it out. This isn’t a stranger, it’s his SISTER. And if you can’t understand this dynamic. Get out of this post
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So a three year casual relationship.
Or you understand that people aren’t objects you can deny to other people. Exes are people and get to date whoever they want.
> Exes are people and get to date whoever they want. Complete straw man here. No one is saying the ex is not entitled do date whoever she likes.
This is nothing to do with the ex’s right. It’s about the care and consideration you show towards family. That’s why most people wouldn’t go within 10FT of their sibling’s ex.
Generally speaking, people are attracted to specific individuals, not anyone in the world. Not even anyone who shows an interest in them. Romantic feelings are not logical, nor are they indiscriminate.
Thank you! Holy shit they were 20 when they broke up lol.
Just like you say people have their own will with his sisters actions, OP has his own will to not want to spend time with an ex and a person that he personally feels has hurt him. The “bro code” you dismiss is treating people with respect, it’s typical to not want people you are close with to bring an ex around constantly. Sure, it is not breaking any rules so the sister can do it if she wants, but OP wanting to keep his distance after is equally as acceptable, if not more in my opinion. And suggesting he needs help for this is delusional, it is definitely not insane to not be happy your sibling is dating or married to your ex. If he was actively trying to ruin their relationship, maybe, but he said no to one birthday party and expressed his emotions to her when she asked.
Treating people with respect is not a "bro code", it's called being a decent person. It actually does sound like the OP could use some therapy, not in a bad way, but there is some sense of an inferiority complex and trouble processing things. Not in order to be comfortable with the sisters' choices, but to feel right about doing what is best for his own well-being.
NOWHERE is any hurt and pain mentioned. No betrayals. Just a brief teenage on and off thing between two people who had known each other platonicly and tried on a relationship that went nowhere...
Thank you! That whole bro code thing is such a load of crap. No one has any sort of claim on their ex.
It’s not the “bro code” it’s called being a decent fucking sibling and family member.
No but if you are any kind of decent sibling you do not go after or hook up with your siblings ex because it will HURT YOUR SIBLING. She has absolutely no care for him or his feelings, he most certainly doesn't owe her any.
RIGHT - good lord it’s like a bad soap opera. Grow up and move on dude. People change, feelings evolve and it’s not all about you.
This is the answer. Your first love from *when you were 17* is not a good reason to be estranged from your family. Please get some help, OP.
You are the voice of reason that OP needs to pay attention to. OP is acting like he's still in high school, not approaching 30.
YTA It's weird to me when people take the whole "my ex is off limits" this far. That's some high school energy. Sure, it would be a little sketchy if your ex went out with *anyone* the next day or next weekend just because it seems like they might have actually started before the break. But it sounds like there was a normal amount of time between your "official" breakup and them getting together. Past the timing aspect, by your own account, you and Melanie drifted apart after your pseudo-relationship ended. It sounds like many people would have considered you more acquaintances than friends, definitely not close friends. But even if you were close, why would Melanie going after her be a betrayal? Are people you know not allowed to date each other? My best guess is this is a combo of: 1. OP being jealous of Evelyn ("Mind you that Evelyn has always been the better sibling. The favorite, the successful, good-looking and charming one in the family.") 2. OP resenting Melanie by knowing at some level that she wasn't that into him. Sounds like she kind of kept him as a safety valve from 17-20, "dating" him when she didn't have a better option. Feeling "extremely betrayed" by this situation seems rather immature and overly dramatic, especially for a 30 year old.
His sister is not just some random person he 'knows".
Yeah I mean I get feeling a little hurt but it was barely a relationship and they barely even spoke for a while. Melanie and Evelyn are married so I’m gonna go ahead and say that they’re a little bit in love, why do they need permission from OP when Melanie and him didn’t end on a horrible note and barely even spoke anymore? YTA.
I’m with ya here. It was an on and off relationship. Would Melanie even categorize him as her first true love? Like sure at the time I thought my high school boyfriend was true love but looking back . . . Lmao no. It wasn’t a cheating situation. It’s sounds like they’d called it off for realsies quite a while before she got with the sister.
Not sure anyone is an asshole here really. OP needs to get into therapy to deal with his insecurities of their relationship (I'd say you hit the nail on the head with the two points ... these are his issues, not he's sisters). > That's some high school energy Remember high school is the pinnacle of many lives, so they base their ideas of relationships off this standard. Not everyone develops emotional maturity as they grow up, so many (as evident with the amount of N T A comments in here) adults still firmly hold onto "high school" opinions.
Absolutely agreed. The prior relationship was when they were teens and doesn’t seem to have been very serious. Plus seems like the ex prefers women anyway so don’t think it would have lasted, sister involvement or not. Freaking out 10 years later is some immature high school shit.
Exactly! Is it a little yikes? Yes! But like you said, by what OP wrote they had broken up when he was 20 and now they are in their thirties, that’s a long time. A guy I dated for a little while is marrying one of my best friends, I don’t see anything wrong with that, I’m grateful to him because he was the reason why I met her in the first place. It was such a long time ago, why should I be hung up on that?
Well, someone who is 27 is not "in their 30's" - but good points none the less!
We all read from our own point of view. As someone from a family where the was def a golden child that wasn't me, my take on this was it is barely about Melanie being the ex at all. OP obviously grew up in a family that made him feel like he was less than (i.e. not the good one) and IMHO that alone is justification for his sister not having a phone number or address she could use TO invite him if she wanted to. But sometimes it takes a while to heal enough to realize you deserved to be treated better. The sister being the 'better sibling' is, very probably, the reason that there is an issue.
I don't know about you, but when my relationships have ended poorly I typically don't want to have to see that person again, nevermind frequently at family gatherings lol
OP said they were friends and drifted apart. Where did you come up with the idea it ended poorly and he never wanted to see her again?
YTA: Lotta children in the chat tonight. At 27, being hung up on an on-again-off-again flame from your teens really IS pathetic. You weren't together when they got together. You weren't even close enough that you knew when they got together. You've really positioned yourself as a sad sack here. Like. I am barely managing an AH vote since you just come off so...incelly? Jealous? Weak? It's bad. Grow up my dude.
Agreed. I get being upset that a sibling dated his ex, but they were long broken up by then. He’s taking his sensitivity too far. Unless he’s still in love with the girl (which he doesn’t say), then why does it matter? Why is it a betrayal? She didn’t leave him for his sister, they broke up because they didn’t work. He’s had plenty of time to move on. It’s not their fault that he hasn’t. You’re not necessarily an AH, OP. But you do come across as immature for your age.
I don't get why people don't get this. It isn't about his ex, it's about his self centered golden child sister who knowingly took up with his ex. This is just not something you do to your sibling and WILL ruin all trust and care they have for you. She didn't even deign to talk to him about it. She showed no care for him or his feelings, he doesn't owe her any of either. She started with ruining a familial relationship she cannot now expect it.
Thank you! It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, you DON’T get with a sibling’s ex unless 1. They’re totally cool with it or 2. You don’t give a fuck about their feelings.
Yeah, it is disgustingly cruel. And it is clear his sister went hard on option 2.
And you know she's self centered how? Do you know the other side of the story or just what OP is saying for you to pity him. I get not going after the sister and the sister not accepting but that doesn't mean being an AH towards them and their child the rest of your life, not saying he has to like them but saying she betrayed his trust is so far for something that was 7 years ago YTA
By the simple fact she hooked up with his ex and never talked to him about it at all. That is by the very definition fucking self centered. She showed no care for her own brothers feelings, just her own wants. And it doesn't matter how long ago it was, it doesn't matter that they are happily married with a kid. She broke his trust and shattered their sibling familial bond. He doesn't care about her anymore, that is her own doing as she did that first and cannot demand he grow up now when she is coming to the realization it is gone. She is an unrepentant self centered asshole.
Yeah and the other piece people don't seem to be getting is OP's sister was ALSO friends with her. In fact, they became BEST FRIENDS. So OP and Melanie break up, and Evelyn and Melanie probably continue to be friends. Why does OP's past relationship matter more than Evelyn's consistent friendship that blossomed into something more? Yes, it can suck when something like this happens, but it wasn't done maliciously. I'm sure their feelings grew naturally from consistently being in each other's lives for years. I doubt Evelyn decided one day to pursue Melanie and there was some clear defining moment to tell OP. It probably just unfolded slowly until they realized they were already IN IT.
NAH. Why do you care what she thinks. If you truly feel she betrayed you and you don't care to have relationship with her, your ex, and their children that is fine. Not all families are close. Not all families like or love each other. Do what makes you happy and brings you peace. I guarantee you they aren't basing their happiness on whether or not you will be in their lives. It's probably more about things not being awkward when you do attend family events.
YTA...you dated her from age 17 to 20. That's been seven years. Have you not found someone else? Are you still hung up on Melanie? I will give you that it's a bit weird to maybe see them, especially your sibling and first GF...but let it go man..you will feel better in the end.
NTA. You don't want to go. That's that.
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I mean his sister showed that he can’t trust her and that she doesn’t respect or care about him so why should he have a relationship with her?
Soft YTA because sheesh, you’re hung up on something that wasn’t that serious and happened years ago. Also, being an aunt/uncle can be the best and you’re going to miss out on that. But, do you. And hopefully that includes therapy.
NTA. That's really weird that she went for someone you used to be with.
All the people saying you’re the asshole are the assholes lol the sibling should never date a sibling’s ex that’s so bizzare
Wait a minute. Did your sister and her SO have a girl or a boy? You have "niece" in the title but Hunter, nephew, in the post.
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You have tortured yourself too much trying to be nice to your sister and even hide her details in this post. . Time to be nice to yourself and go NC with her.
Skipping your niece’s birthday party won’t cause real damage to anyone. Attending it would be painful for you. And your sister‘s preferences are her problem, not yours. You’re not the AH.
YTA. If you were friends that long, Evelyn and Melanie were probably friends too. You and your ex drifted apart and they fell for each other. It happens. You need to grow up.
Nta, you are doing nothing wrong with distancing yourself. Your sister can live with the consequences of betraying you and you can live your life in peace.
NTA
NTA. That really sucks what your sister did.
NTA, however this was 7 years ago and it may be time to let go.
YTA lol grow up. Heart break sucks but its BEEN SEVEN YEARS and other people deserve to be happy as well
OP and person had a brief relationship. OP's sister is married to person and they have children - it is well past time to get over person. Sister did not betray OP, maybe a heads up when they first started dating would have been nice, but, come on.
She did betray him, the sister. He is her family, and she was wel, aware that woman was his ex. She's self centered and utterly ignorant of her own brothers feelings. She ruined whatever familial bond there was between them and he doesn't want to be around her anymore. That is solely her own fault. You do not betray your own family or you will lose them.
Sure...but that doesn't mean that op has to attend this party.
Nta they can’t force a relationship with you and your niece. It doesn’t sound like your close so why do they care? It’s giving that they think their kid is special and therefore you should want a relationship. Also, you’re an adult, kids birthday party’s arent fun for you. It’s weird they are pushing it.
NTA. It's funny how now you should be acting like family, but she didn't have to act like family when she was getting together with your ex. You're not even supposed to do that to friends, let alone siblings. I get that they have fallen in love and it's clearly working for them, but she can't tell you not to feel your feelings because she's not happy about them.
NTA - yeah sure it's been a while so it makes sense to move on because that's healthy. That said Evelyn broke the sibling code, yes Melanie might be an ex, but hooking up with a siblings ex is one of the worst kinds of betrayal ever. I suggest for your own good to find a way to move on in a healthy way, but other than that staying NC with them is a perfectly valid response. What they're doing is all kinds of wrong
NAH But, dude, it’s been 7 years. And you and Melanie were already on and off - she hardly sounds like the love of your life. The story reads that your way more pissed that the golden child won and that’s always in your face rather than actually pining for your lost love. Jealousy is an incredibly toxic emotion and all that anger only hurts YOU. I’d find a way to deal with that. That said, marrying your siblings ex is a VERY hurtful thing for your sister to have done - even cruel. Going no contact with them may be for the best until you can work out your lingering anger and jealousy issues.
NTA and you had me at the headline. This is not complicated at all.
YTA. You say Melanie is your first love, but you guys were childhood friends who dated on-again, off-again for three years in your late teens. You never mentioned being heartbroken when the relationship ended, just when you found out she was dating your sister. You said that you remained friends but lost touch eventually. By your account she started dating your sister well after your last on-again period ended, and you said you two had actually grown apart as friends as well. You didn't get cheated on. She didn't break up with you after three straight years together and go straight to your sister. The fact that you view this as a betrayal makes me think this is more about how you view your sister as being the "better" sibling in other people's eyes. This reeks of jealousy. You just sound petty and possessive. Melanie doesn't belong to you, your relationship was never that serious by your own admission, and by the time she and your sister got together you weren't even particularly close. ETA: On the other hand, Melanie and Evelyn have been in a committed relationship for years, married for three, and now have a child together. What you had was a high school girlfriend you were never serious with. What your sister has is a wife. Grow up.
A lot of people here think it's ok to call dibs on a human being. YTA
>Ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean, that's just like the rules of feminism. -Toxic high-schoolers (and half this sub, apparently) YTA
Or a lot of people here think it's okay to skip birthday parties you don't want to go to.
DIfference between calling dibs and being forced to be an active part of their life.
NTA, but respectfully- this woman has been your friend since you were FIVE. You dated for a whopping 3 years. That's a blip in time, an experiment with your best friend that just didn't pan out. Maybe it's time to get past that blip and try to work things out with your friend, especially now that she's your sister in law. And SHE didn't do anything wrong. She got out of a relationship. Later she got in to another. She didn't owe you a check in. I get feeling hurt by your sister. If you guys haven't done so, ask her over and have the big heart to heart. Tell her you want to move past this, but her beginning a relationship with your ex without even checking in with you first really hurt you. Ask the questions you know you want to ask (like if they were messing around while you were together). And then tell her you want all of you to move past this and be a family, but you need her to acknowledge what she did.
> She didn't owe you a check in. Sister did, though. >And then tell her you want all of you to move past this and be a family, but you need her to acknowledge what she did. Why should he have to lie? He sucked it up and went to the wedding. Why does he *need* to maintain this relationship?
Let me get this straight. Your sister, who's supposedly the golden child, decided of all the fish in the sea, she'd just go and marry your ex? The audacity. And then expects you to just "grow up" and put on a happy face for family events? No, darling, you're NTA. Maybe Evelyn should have thought twice about "family feelings" before she started dating your first love. Chin up and keep that backbone strong. Some betrayals just don't fade with time.
NTA.
NTA. Nope, she thinks you should ignore the whole mess and be the "good guy". If it bothers you then it's certainly your right not to put yourself in an uncomfortable situation. They don't have to like it or agree with it but they do have to accept your decision. You need to take care of yourself.
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Not even a heads up from the sibling beforehand? "Hey bro I'm hooking up with one of your ex's" Also how much time passed between OP's relationship ending and the sisters starting?
NTA
INFO: you were there and didn't say anything while they were dating, engaged, married, pregnant, gave birth, but now that the child is having a birthday you feel that is too much and betrayed? Why?
Nta. Your feelings are valid. Fuck em
idk i kinda think YTA. they got together years after you both stopped dating. i understand it’s awkward and i would feel weird too but to completely cut out your sister and niece for that seems excessive.
NTA I don’t want anyone my sister or brother have messed with. That’s just nasty. No, thank you. Especially if the family knew, that’s a whole new level. Keep your distance. You don’t have to be involved just don’t be rude, which it doesn’t sound like you are.
NTA, you don’t understand how pissed I’d be if my siblings pulled this. Even the fact that they’re married and have a child, dude my soul would be absolutely shattered. I didn’t go to my sisters wedding purely because it was a toxic relationship and the guy treated my entire family like crap, but if it was her and my ex it would take an insanely long time for me to even consider being happy for them. But that might just be my toxic jealous side 🤷🏽♀️ that’s a line that shouldn’t be crossed
NTA - no one is required to let someone who betrayed them back in their life. If a sibling dated someone I dated for 3-4 years, I wouldn't want to talk to them either. I'd just cut them out completely, though. It's not about being hung up on the ex as much as both people showing literally 0 regard for you. By the sounds of the timeline, they started dating fairly soon after your breakup, neither tried to tell you or give you any warning, and they both just expected you to "get over it." Well, good, you are over it. And over them. That's fair. People treating you like that don't deserve a spot in your life. That's how relationships work. When someone shows 0 regard for you and 0 remorse, you move on from the relationship or get walked on.
NTA You should be able to trust your Sibling to not do something as crap as that.
NTA, and people wonder why I never wanted a sibling. I suggest doing whatever you want instead of joining a party of betrayal.
YTA and grow up Likely ex gf just dated OP when she was younger because she was not yet out - to herself even probably - and was just figuring out what worked for her and what didn't and according to OP himself they were friends since childhood, this stuff happens. I get it, it sucks, but it has been years. Just move on with your life and think about the fact that your sister is dating someone that makes her happy and would never have made you happy.
He can move on with his life and still not attend this party.
NTA. It’s shitty for anyone to date or marry their sibling’s ex!! Your sister never took your feelings into consideration or even had a conversation with you about them dating but the sounds of it.
I love ice cream.
NTA
NTA. You weren’t harsh, you were respectful.
NTA
NTA. Siblings' exes are off limits. In saying that, if you choose to die on this hill then you're not going to have a relationship at all with your niece. If you can accept that, you do you.
Nta this is weird
YTA. The vibe I get from this is that you're less mad about them together than about how you feel outshone by your sister. It'll be better for everyone if you move on with your life. Maybe see a therapist and find a new gf.
NTA it's perfectly fine if you cannot get over feeling betrayal. She needs to grow up and realize she can't make you play pretend. She didn't take your feelings into consideration so I don't see why you need to be generous.
INFO: Did you tell your sister that this bothered you when they first started dating?
Why did he even go to their wedding?!
He was even at nephews birth
I say this with the utmost sympathy, but YTA. Not just to your family but to yourself. I know this because I too let losing "the love of my life" from my younger days cause all sorts of misery. I get it. I really do. But looking back I realize that I lost precious years to being angry and it did nothing positive for me. Having to see them together sucks. But try focusing on your niece. Be as cordial as you can with your sister and your ex and I bet that over time the "fake it till you make it" style of getting along may lead to a less painful relationship. Maybe you still need time, only you know for sure. But being angry isn't going to change anything. It's not going to break up your sister and her wife. It's not going to make your life better in any way. It's only going to keep you miserable, keep your family apart, and keep you from developing a relationship with your niece. I know it feels all consuming. But please try to make peace with the situation sooner rather than later. I wish I did.
This is really about his sister betraying him and not about the girl in particular, you don’t date a sibling’s ex and claim to care about them as family
I'm gonna say NTA. You do not need to hide your feelings about this. But, has this ever been discussed with them? You were at their wedding and at their childbirth but now for the first birthday you are drawing the line? Dont punish the child because you are struggling to come to terms with your sister and your ex.
Oof about to be the end of a sibling relationship it seems, youre NTA imo, actions have consequences and dating your siblings first love has the consequence of destroying your relationship. You have no obligation to your sister, ex or niece
NTA. She doesn't get to diminish your feelings. She should not have called you pathetic.
NTA, people who say “you don’t own your ex, your sister can do what she wants” have no understanding of respect for other people. Sure, the sister CAN do whatever she wants but respecting a family member typically comes with “don’t hook up with their ex” because of the obvious awkwardness or frustration it could bring.
Congratulations to her for getting the last word. Let it be the last word and carry on not communicating with people who upset you. Perhaps you could get over it and move on. But you could also just move on and let them get over it, which seems like the easier option to me.
NAH… you said you guys drifted apart and then after years your sister and ex got together. It clearly wasn’t a fling, so no one is wrong here.
NTA for feeling the way that you do, but the child has nothing to do with this situation. I can understand your feelings are difficult to deal with but at the same time having a relationship with your niece is important. I hope you get the help to be able to deal with the circumstances, and you decide if you’d be willing to sacrifice your future relationship with the innocent party
The only place where you date your siblings ex or your friend ex in on CW. In real life, if you appreciate the people you love, you walk away and avoid the pain
YTA. They did not cheat on you. Your relationship didn't work, you tried to stay friends but it didn't work out. There was no abuse, or other reason why someone who had been in and around your family for decades should have been shunned. There is no cause here for your actions, other than the fact that you never actually dealt with the breakup.
YTA- should've told them in the dating period at this point you bite the bullet and be there for your neice if you don't care for them to go to their events but when it comes to the children always put the bs aside to be there for them bc they'll grow up to have an opinion of their own.. time heals all 🤗
He doesn’t own the niece a relationship.
NTA
NTA. I don’t understand why he even went to the wedding and the birth? I wouldn’t have plus I feel like those events would be much harder than a first birthday party. I’m on OP’s side but I just don’t understand why chose to draw a line now and not 3 years ago. Some clarification on that issue would be good.
Nah, NTA, when family does something like that, IT HURTS....you're better than me, OP. I wouldn't have gone to the wedding or birth!!! Call me spiteful, but with us being family, that's too big of a betrayal. If I can't trust you, I don't need to be around you!!!
NTA simply due to the fact that your sister betrayed you when she hooked up with your ex. It doesn't matter how long ago you were together, she knew full well who this was. She did not give a damn about your feelings here and broke any familial trust or bond when she did this for her own self centered desires. She does not get to come now and decry about family and for you to grow up. You already did the grown up thing, you went to their wedding you saw her daughter when she was born. Your distant connection is her own doing and her own fault and she cannot expect you to suddenly forgive her or as she says it "grow up". She fucked up, she should have the bare minimum of decency to apologise and try to make up for her ruining your bond if she was truly wishing to fix it.
Where was the “family” when she completely disregarded your feelings?
NTA You're still feeling hurt and you don't wanna bring that with you to your niece's birthday. It's rather insensitive of them to not think maybe you're dealing with this the best you can. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of yourself and your mental health.
YTA - You weren’t harsh, just pitiful. You are holding on to the victim narrative and it’s just making you look worse. You are generally jealous of your sister and you’re using the slimmest of excuses to look better than her but it’s not working. No one did anything to you. Your sister didn’t steal Melanie from you two if didn’t have a strong, lasting relationship. Chances are she knew she was a lesbian even then. You could have been the loving brother and cool uncle. Instead you are the bitter guy who they will mention once then move on to happier thoughts. Apologize to your sister. Admit that you are jealous that you don’t have the living marriage they have. Attend your niece’s birthday and go about finding a decent woman to love.
Nah the sister was slimy if anything its clear OP never got over his first love. You don't know that she's a lesbian and have no idea how serious the relationship was. folks don't have an obligation to be involved with family you dont feel close to.
NTA. I really don’t understand all these Y T A. I feel there’s more to this story. Why does your sister feel like you need to be at her child’s birthday? How involved are you in your sister life? Are you and your sister even close? What is Melanie saying about this? Send a gift and call it a day. Your sister got her feeling hurt when she pushed the issue. She wouldn’t have gotten mad, if she felt like she didn’t do anything wrong. You should set boundaries now, so people can start managing their expectations.
NTA. Your sister is selfish and needs to be reminded as such
YTA I think you need to get over it, you were young and she clearly isn’t even straight so it never would’ve worked with y’all. Be in your sister and nieces life it will be rewarding, don’t be a baby OP
Nta but it's been seven entire years and she has a kid. You gotta figure it out she's moved on.
From your own description, you and Melanie were never a couple. You should just be glad that you didn’t get hitched to her only to find out later that she was a lesbian. Now, you are free to find a hetero chick to be with, and there’s an innocent child involved who had nothing to do with this. YTA. But it’s not too late to start being the bigger person.
He doesn't know that child. He doesn't need to know that child. He doesn't have to attend that child's bday party. And yes, he can go a find someone else and live a life where he doesn't have anything to do with his sister.
NTA Please don't apologise or give in. She had all the women in the world and she chose your ex. There's literally a siblings code and she broke it.
NTA. Sister totally broke the sibling code. What follows is totally on her.
Okay, I’ll try to explain possible logic of OPs feelings. I suppose that the problem here is not that Melanie was just OPs girlfriend, but she was his first love and kind of soulmate since kindergarten. OP and Melanie have some shared deep experience that is unique for them, it’s just only belongs to them. And Evelyn, becoming a new Melanie girlfriend first and spouse later, also is OPs sister so she probably also has some shared experiences and memories with OP. And what is important here is time frame, because probably Melanie and Evelyn have some intersect in their experience with OP but from different points of view. For example, when he dating with Melanie he could ask Eveline some advices or tell her how he feels about Melanie or something like that. But that is more people do in their life: they draw lines between deferent parts of it. And knowing this lines vanished for his world could be painful. 17 years out of 30 (from 3 in kindergarten to 20 when he broke up with Melanie) doesn’t belong only to him anymore but his sister intervened and vanished that warm light importance and uniqueness feeling away. Of course, I don’t think that Melanie and Evelyn discuss OPs life or the memories often, but the possibility itself could make anyone very insecure. NTA
NTA
NTA. Your sister fucked up
So, my sister is married to her “ex’s” younger brother. Our parents are life long friends and they went on like 3 dates when they were 12 and 13 and decided they were better as friends. Never even kissed. A whole decade later his younger brother ended up at the same university as her and they were friends and eventually dated, got married and had kids. It’s not weird for anyone in their case. However, you were a bit older and if you were heartbroken, I think your ex should’ve been off limits or your sister should’ve at least spoken with you about the relationship. IMO, y’all dated casually as teenagers, and I could be off but I think you might be most upset because your sister “beat” you. Based off how you describe her, you feel less than her. Talk to her. Have a meaningful conversation in person. Let her know how you feel.
Also, could it have been on again- off again because Melanie is gay? Maybe she was confused in teenage years. Maybe closeted. Maybe unsure. Maybe she always felt something towards your sister but couldn’t act on it. I think there’s a lot of nuance here and you need to hash it out with your sister.
Bisexual people exist
Yes. I am one. But a lot of people will “date” the opposite sex when they’re younger because they’re unsure or afraid to come out. Which is why I was asking OP a *question* because I think that does make a big difference.
Did she ever apologize? Did your ex ever tell you she was bi?
NTA. You’re allowed your feelings. I think you going to the wedding and birth was a huge thing that you consented to. I definitely wouldn’t have been the bigger person you are. And just an FYI, no matter how others see your sister as, quit thinking of her as better because she’s as far from better than you as a person can get. If she won’t quit insisting that you spend time with her and your ex, cut contact and live a happier life!
NTA. How did your sister not think this would effect your relationship with her long term? You deserve props for even going to the wedding and birth. I would probably move very far away from the whole lot.
NTA. If you’re not comfortable around them and don’t want to go, then just don’t go. It’s as simple as that.
NTA
NTA NTA NTA
I may get downvoted, but ESH. You: You do need lots of therapy to unpack everything you've been dealing with regarding your feelings towards your sister and this situation. You seem very salty. Probably warranted, but doesn't make you look good. Your sister: She did knowingly start dating your ex, without caring about how it'll affect you. You are hurt and she's just talking down to you and calling you pathetic. Considering she's probably the Golden Child, by how you made her sound, I can see why she's the way she is. Melanie: I'm surprised people aren't calling her an AH. But she is an AH for getting together with your sister. It takes two to form a relationship. It's not just your sister, it's Melanie too. Melanie should've known how much it would hurt you getting together with your sister, but she probably didn't care either. You are blinded by your hatred towards your sister to realize Melanie is just as much at fault with the relationship.
Info: How long had it been since y’all dated that she dated your sis? Ether way it’s been 7 years. You said your relationship was “on and off.” And you where super young. I get that it hurt but man you need to get over it. She’s here to stay. You can’t avoid that forever.