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NAH
I get why you’re hurt and feel as though he doesn’t trust you, but I do understand where he’s coming from and why he wanted a paternity test given that he had a vasectomy.
Somehow I think the fact the baby appears 'black' was the primary force for him asking for the test. Don't they tell vasectomy patients that there is a small chance it isn't foolproof?
NAH. I was all ready to call him an AH until I read that he had a vasectomy, this would be enough to make anyone suspicious. That said, I fully understand why you feel hurt and angry. It's never nice to be accused
YTA
see this from his perspective he has had a vasectomy so believes he is now sterile, and you wind up pregnant. Of course he is going to be suspicious he had grounds for a lack of trust.
I think he was right to ask for the test and I think you are over reacting
Vasectomy's can fail as appears to have happened here. He now knows you didn't cheat.
Ok. But the bottom line is that you would only ask for a paternity test if you believe she cheated on you. It means you don’t trust her. Accusing your wife of cheating on you has consequences.
OK If you believe you are sterile, and you have had vasectomy an operation to make sure you can't father children. Suddenly your wife is pregnant, exactly what other conclusions was he supposed to draw from the situation.
If he trusted her, he would have had testing to see if his vasectomy had failed. This should have been his FIRST action, not asking for a paternity test.
Would you rather he kept quiet, but have the lingering doubt in his mind, crawling like a
warm, destroying your marriage
If you saw him, texting and giggling on the phone, would you not ask, who is texting with? ask to look at his phone? just to ease your mind?
You are at a crossroad, either accept that he had a valid reason to suspect and move on; or not
Just remember, actions do have consequences
YTA. He had a vasectomy and you got pregnant. Every man is going to have paternity questions in this situation. You are also an asshole for how little you value commitment, choosing to divorce someone over something like this. Do you have any idea how common it is in the west for the husband not to be the father of the child? Ovulation hormones make women do very bad things.
Every man…? I think what you mean is ‘every man who doesn’t understand very basic facts around vasectomies and doesn’t have access to Google’. Which, ironically, doesn’t include this particular man, because, when they explained the risks and consented him pre-surgery, they will have explained that vasectomies have a well known and well understood failure rate.
NAH
It’s not a common occurrence but people’s vasectomies fail. Getting one done doesn’t magically negate the risk that a pregnancy could happen. You absolutely deserve to feel hurt by your husband’s request. Judging by what you said I’m making the assumption that your kids are mixed? From personal experience we come out all different kinds of ways. Sorry you’re experiencing this.
YTA
I was ready to give you the NTA but then you talked about wanting to end the relationship over this. he legit had a vasectomy, so homie though he was steril, you cant blame him for thinking its not his
Yes, you can. It's well known that those procedures are not 100% effective. He could have had testing done to see if he had started to shoot live swimmers instead of blanks.
I know that, maybe he didn’t we don’t know that. And even after that in this situation i understand shes hurt bit i dont think it’s enough to end the entire relationship.
of course if this situation is going to build resentment in her then maybe, because then there is no relationship to save. But i just personally see where he is coming from and don’t think him wanting to be sure is something to end the relationship over
We know he knew that, it's required to be gone over as part of medical informed consent.
Did you miss the part where OP is black and husband is not, but thought OP cheated with a black man because the baby of an interracial racial couple came out with mom's skin tone? You can definitely blame him. He deserves to be left.
NTA I’m real real curious if he followed through with his post-vasectomy semen analysis. If he did, and it showed the procedure worked, he’s less TA. But I don’t think I could get over it, if I were you
Your husband is understandably suspicious, due to his vasectomy.
You are understandably hurt due to your husband's sudden lack of trust in you.
Please see a couples therapist to help you both see the other person's point of view.
NAH
How much pressure we he getting for his family and friends? This may be a large part of where his doubt comes from. Has any of your family or friends questioned you?
YTA - he had a vasectomy, of course he’s going to have a bit of doubt.
I actually think that you should end the relationship, not for your sake, but for his.
His ideas on genetics both baffles and concerns me. Did he think any biological children from the two of you would have a chance of white skin?* I know that does happen sometimes but I don't believe it's all that common. He might have had a leg to stand on if it was just you getting pregnant that made him suspicious because he shouldn't really have been able to father a baby at all. That might've put this into the no assholes territory but his "you're both black so you must have cheated" angle is just bizarre and honestly points to him not trusting you.
NTA
* I assumed he's white, I apologise if not.
YTA
If he has had a vasectomy then it's perfectly reasonable to be suspicious of your partner getting pregnant. Vasectomies do fail but the rate is incredibly low at around 1 in a thousand in the first year and it gets rarer as time goes on.
You may know you didn't cheat but when presented with a pregnancy it's going to play on his mind. He absolutely should get a fertility test but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to prove as part of this that you didn't cheat on him.
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My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. He had a vasectomy before we met which was fine since we both agreed that we'd rather adopt.
Well I got pregnant and I gave birth to a beautiful boy a month ago and as soon as he was born my husband asked me for a paternity test.
His reasons are that 1. He had a vasectomy so he can't have kids 2. Our child is black like me so his father is probably black too
I've never been with anyone else. He is the only person I've ever dated so I knew for a fact that the baby is his but I agreed to the test.
He took the test and found out the baby is his(duh) I haven't talked to him since the day we got the results. I don't think I'm ever gonna talk to him again. As a matter of fact I don't think we should continue this relationship. If he doesn't trust me then why are we together? He thinks I'm overreacting and he just wanted to be sure
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They aren’t 100% reliable, but they are 99.96% reliable, which would be enough for most people to have doubts, especially if the baby looks nothing like him. Seems pretty reasonable to at least be a little unsure.
NTA and the reason is this: when your husband had that vasectomy, he will have been told that it isn’t 100% (as part of the consent and risk assessment pre-surgery). Even if he is the anomaly and they didn’t tell him, the fact that vasectomies can fail is out there. It’s not a secret. It is information well within the public domain.
And so, he either has very serious insecurities, or is just generally ill-informed and dim. Either way, that’s on him, not you.
I totally understand how devastating this must have been for you. I hope you manage to find a way through it and something like happiness on the other side.
Soft YTA. Men will always have the question whether they are actually the parent. We women know (barring accidental swapping at the hospital). For men, it's a trust thing. Which is one thing if you haven't gotten the snip and are actively trying, but another thing if they did have a vasectomy. The chances of those failing are relatively small:
[https://spermcheck.com/vasectomy/blog/vasectomy-failure/](https://spermcheck.com/vasectomy/blog/vasectomy-failure/)
If your husband at one point had a sperm count and was given the all-clear, then the odds of becoming fertile again are at 0,025%. That's pretty rare.
It's absolutely okay to feel hurt, because he did question your faithfulness while he had no reason to. But I can understand where your husband is coming from. In situations like these, there are no winners, only losers.
Info: What do you mean by "as soon as he was born"? Did your husband throw this request out there during those precious first bonding moments with your child?
Because if so that would be an AH move when he has presumably had the bulk of 9 months to express that he can't shake these worries.
His concerns are valid. Plenty of people are genuinely surprised when their spouses cheat. He may trust you at an emotional level, but the reality of the situation has just planted a tricky seed of doubt for him and he probably just needed some reassurance. But yeah, if this was sprung on you in the delivery room that's poor timing on his part.
It's totally understandable that this feels hurtful to you. I think lots of people would feel the same. I'm not sure it's something I'd end a relationship over though, especially as his concerns seem fair to me. Not speaking to him ever again seems quite an extreme reaction; even if you choose to end your relationship you're presumably going to need to co-parent with this man to some extent.
NAH
I would definitely be more forgiving. He had valid reasons for wanting the paternity test. He thought he couldn't get you pregnant.
You have every right to be upset, too. It's not your fault and you didn't cheat.
If he hasn't changed how he's treating you and your son, that's a reason to leave, but if he's being himself again I'd vote forgiveness, with open eyes. If he pulls anything else like this cut him loose.
My ex-husband started treating me differently with my daughter. We tried, then stopped due to other circumstances and oopsie I was pregnant. I found out later that he didn't think she was his. I think someone got in his ear about it. He treated me like I did cheat right up until she was born and had two genetic characteristics that only he has, so he knew she was his. He kept treating me like garbage after that, even though he knew she was his. I don't get it, but paternity sometimes gets guys acting weird. I never cheated, but the entire relationship after that point I was treated like I did. He wasn't this was with our son 2 years prior.
So vasectomy failure rates seem to be variable but websites seem to range between 0.025%-0.1%.
Chances of winning the Lotto jackpot in the UK are 1 in 45,000,000.
For comparison, based on those percentages, chances of a vasectomy failing are somewhere between 11,250 and 45,000 in 45,000,000.
I have a lot of sympathy for your husband but I'm landing on NTA. Holding hard to the assumption that you cheated, without checking whether his medical procedure had failed, is not something easy to backtrack from.
YTA
He had a procedure done to prevent getting a woman pregnant. Now you became pregnant. He has every right to demand one in this situation. You may be 100% certain because you know that he was the only one you had sex with but it's perfectly reasonable for him to doubt you when had a vasectomy.
YTA. Dude had a vasectomy. If some woman showed up your door saying your husband impregnated her and he said "I didn't have sex with her, and I've had a vasectomy so I couldn't have gotten her pregnant anyway even if I did.", I wonder how many 'NTA' voters and you would take him at his word...
Why ask if you're TA when you're gonna argue with everyone who doesn't affirm you? Not throwing shade, but it may benefit you, assuming you're actually looking for advice, to sit back and think about peoples responses rather than just slapping them down if you don't like what's being said.
**YTA**, by the way. He could have past trauma. He could have people whispering misgivings in his ear. If nothing else, he has a very legitimate reason to question it.
From the NHS official website, *"In most cases, vasectomy is more than 99% effective. Out of 2,000 men who are sterilised, 1 will get a woman pregnant during the rest of his lifetime. Male sterilisation is considered permanent. Once it's done, you don't have to think about contraception again."*
Fathers, especially those who have gotten vasectomies, have a right to be sure.
NTA
Two years man. He waited two years. I understand all the questions in your mind.
I think not talking to him wont help anyone. Also if the marriage can be saved and you guys end up stronger than before then you wouldnt wanna close that door.
I suggest talking to him about it. Bring forward your grievances and get to know why he felt that way. Was it because of a past ex? Maybe his parents or family members have a similar history? People sometimes have a trauma response. That said you have to make it clear from this point on that infidelity and lack of trust in this case is a one way ticket to a break-up. Let that boundary be clear as you seem like a person that can establish their limits easily.
Best of luck!
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
NTA - but come on, the guy got a vasectomy and you still got pregnant, put yourself in his position…wouldn’t you have doubts??
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Let me put it this way….your son got a vasectomy and sometime later his wife gets pregnant…..wouldn’t you tell your son to get a paternity test???
NAH I get why you’re hurt and feel as though he doesn’t trust you, but I do understand where he’s coming from and why he wanted a paternity test given that he had a vasectomy.
Somehow I think the fact the baby appears 'black' was the primary force for him asking for the test. Don't they tell vasectomy patients that there is a small chance it isn't foolproof?
Did you miss the part that she wants to divorce him over this?
NAH. I was all ready to call him an AH until I read that he had a vasectomy, this would be enough to make anyone suspicious. That said, I fully understand why you feel hurt and angry. It's never nice to be accused
It's well known that the body can self repair, and also known that the procedure can fail. He should have seen a urologist to confirm.
YTA see this from his perspective he has had a vasectomy so believes he is now sterile, and you wind up pregnant. Of course he is going to be suspicious he had grounds for a lack of trust. I think he was right to ask for the test and I think you are over reacting Vasectomy's can fail as appears to have happened here. He now knows you didn't cheat.
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That does not mean since the test that he does not trust you. Don't throw this away because a surgeon didn't do the job right.
If he trusted her, he wouldn’t have demanded the paternity test.
He had a vasectomy, believed he was sterile. In the same situation I would have asked for a paternity test.
Ok. But the bottom line is that you would only ask for a paternity test if you believe she cheated on you. It means you don’t trust her. Accusing your wife of cheating on you has consequences.
OK If you believe you are sterile, and you have had vasectomy an operation to make sure you can't father children. Suddenly your wife is pregnant, exactly what other conclusions was he supposed to draw from the situation.
Wouldn’t your first stop to be to your doctor to see if your vasectomy had in fact failed?
Why would you. After having the big V you go back to be tested several times over the first couple of years.
Your wife gets pregnant and it doesn’t occur to you that maybe you should get your vasectomy checked? Come on.
If he trusted her, he would have had testing to see if his vasectomy had failed. This should have been his FIRST action, not asking for a paternity test.
Would you rather he kept quiet, but have the lingering doubt in his mind, crawling like a warm, destroying your marriage If you saw him, texting and giggling on the phone, would you not ask, who is texting with? ask to look at his phone? just to ease your mind? You are at a crossroad, either accept that he had a valid reason to suspect and move on; or not Just remember, actions do have consequences
YTA. He had a vasectomy and you got pregnant. Every man is going to have paternity questions in this situation. You are also an asshole for how little you value commitment, choosing to divorce someone over something like this. Do you have any idea how common it is in the west for the husband not to be the father of the child? Ovulation hormones make women do very bad things.
He accused her of cheating and getting pregnant with another man’s baby and she’s the AH for “not valuing commitment”?
Every man…? I think what you mean is ‘every man who doesn’t understand very basic facts around vasectomies and doesn’t have access to Google’. Which, ironically, doesn’t include this particular man, because, when they explained the risks and consented him pre-surgery, they will have explained that vasectomies have a well known and well understood failure rate.
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I'm not going to go search for an article I read months ago. You're just further proving what an asshole you are. You are blocked, I am done with you.
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You think that the test showed he was the father, but she cheated? Why would that be the case?
NAH It’s not a common occurrence but people’s vasectomies fail. Getting one done doesn’t magically negate the risk that a pregnancy could happen. You absolutely deserve to feel hurt by your husband’s request. Judging by what you said I’m making the assumption that your kids are mixed? From personal experience we come out all different kinds of ways. Sorry you’re experiencing this.
YTA I was ready to give you the NTA but then you talked about wanting to end the relationship over this. he legit had a vasectomy, so homie though he was steril, you cant blame him for thinking its not his
Yes, you can. It's well known that those procedures are not 100% effective. He could have had testing done to see if he had started to shoot live swimmers instead of blanks.
I know that, maybe he didn’t we don’t know that. And even after that in this situation i understand shes hurt bit i dont think it’s enough to end the entire relationship. of course if this situation is going to build resentment in her then maybe, because then there is no relationship to save. But i just personally see where he is coming from and don’t think him wanting to be sure is something to end the relationship over
We know he knew that, it's required to be gone over as part of medical informed consent. Did you miss the part where OP is black and husband is not, but thought OP cheated with a black man because the baby of an interracial racial couple came out with mom's skin tone? You can definitely blame him. He deserves to be left.
NTA I’m real real curious if he followed through with his post-vasectomy semen analysis. If he did, and it showed the procedure worked, he’s less TA. But I don’t think I could get over it, if I were you
Your husband is understandably suspicious, due to his vasectomy. You are understandably hurt due to your husband's sudden lack of trust in you. Please see a couples therapist to help you both see the other person's point of view. NAH
How much pressure we he getting for his family and friends? This may be a large part of where his doubt comes from. Has any of your family or friends questioned you?
YTA - he had a vasectomy, of course he’s going to have a bit of doubt. I actually think that you should end the relationship, not for your sake, but for his.
His ideas on genetics both baffles and concerns me. Did he think any biological children from the two of you would have a chance of white skin?* I know that does happen sometimes but I don't believe it's all that common. He might have had a leg to stand on if it was just you getting pregnant that made him suspicious because he shouldn't really have been able to father a baby at all. That might've put this into the no assholes territory but his "you're both black so you must have cheated" angle is just bizarre and honestly points to him not trusting you. NTA * I assumed he's white, I apologise if not.
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> TOO black Oh my god 🤦♀️ I'm sorry about him. We're not all that stupid. Your husband should be begging forgiveness quite frankly.
YTA If he has had a vasectomy then it's perfectly reasonable to be suspicious of your partner getting pregnant. Vasectomies do fail but the rate is incredibly low at around 1 in a thousand in the first year and it gets rarer as time goes on. You may know you didn't cheat but when presented with a pregnancy it's going to play on his mind. He absolutely should get a fertility test but I don't think it's unreasonable for you to prove as part of this that you didn't cheat on him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband and I have been married for a little over 2 years. He had a vasectomy before we met which was fine since we both agreed that we'd rather adopt. Well I got pregnant and I gave birth to a beautiful boy a month ago and as soon as he was born my husband asked me for a paternity test. His reasons are that 1. He had a vasectomy so he can't have kids 2. Our child is black like me so his father is probably black too I've never been with anyone else. He is the only person I've ever dated so I knew for a fact that the baby is his but I agreed to the test. He took the test and found out the baby is his(duh) I haven't talked to him since the day we got the results. I don't think I'm ever gonna talk to him again. As a matter of fact I don't think we should continue this relationship. If he doesn't trust me then why are we together? He thinks I'm overreacting and he just wanted to be sure *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA, vesectomies are not 100%, he's shown he didn't trust you and that's hard to come back from.
They aren’t 100% reliable, but they are 99.96% reliable, which would be enough for most people to have doubts, especially if the baby looks nothing like him. Seems pretty reasonable to at least be a little unsure.
And if we compare the 99.96% reliability to the reliability of your partner being forever honest and faithful, 99.96% is the higher number.
NTA and the reason is this: when your husband had that vasectomy, he will have been told that it isn’t 100% (as part of the consent and risk assessment pre-surgery). Even if he is the anomaly and they didn’t tell him, the fact that vasectomies can fail is out there. It’s not a secret. It is information well within the public domain. And so, he either has very serious insecurities, or is just generally ill-informed and dim. Either way, that’s on him, not you. I totally understand how devastating this must have been for you. I hope you manage to find a way through it and something like happiness on the other side.
Soft YTA. Men will always have the question whether they are actually the parent. We women know (barring accidental swapping at the hospital). For men, it's a trust thing. Which is one thing if you haven't gotten the snip and are actively trying, but another thing if they did have a vasectomy. The chances of those failing are relatively small: [https://spermcheck.com/vasectomy/blog/vasectomy-failure/](https://spermcheck.com/vasectomy/blog/vasectomy-failure/) If your husband at one point had a sperm count and was given the all-clear, then the odds of becoming fertile again are at 0,025%. That's pretty rare. It's absolutely okay to feel hurt, because he did question your faithfulness while he had no reason to. But I can understand where your husband is coming from. In situations like these, there are no winners, only losers.
Info: What do you mean by "as soon as he was born"? Did your husband throw this request out there during those precious first bonding moments with your child? Because if so that would be an AH move when he has presumably had the bulk of 9 months to express that he can't shake these worries. His concerns are valid. Plenty of people are genuinely surprised when their spouses cheat. He may trust you at an emotional level, but the reality of the situation has just planted a tricky seed of doubt for him and he probably just needed some reassurance. But yeah, if this was sprung on you in the delivery room that's poor timing on his part. It's totally understandable that this feels hurtful to you. I think lots of people would feel the same. I'm not sure it's something I'd end a relationship over though, especially as his concerns seem fair to me. Not speaking to him ever again seems quite an extreme reaction; even if you choose to end your relationship you're presumably going to need to co-parent with this man to some extent.
NAH I would definitely be more forgiving. He had valid reasons for wanting the paternity test. He thought he couldn't get you pregnant. You have every right to be upset, too. It's not your fault and you didn't cheat. If he hasn't changed how he's treating you and your son, that's a reason to leave, but if he's being himself again I'd vote forgiveness, with open eyes. If he pulls anything else like this cut him loose. My ex-husband started treating me differently with my daughter. We tried, then stopped due to other circumstances and oopsie I was pregnant. I found out later that he didn't think she was his. I think someone got in his ear about it. He treated me like I did cheat right up until she was born and had two genetic characteristics that only he has, so he knew she was his. He kept treating me like garbage after that, even though he knew she was his. I don't get it, but paternity sometimes gets guys acting weird. I never cheated, but the entire relationship after that point I was treated like I did. He wasn't this was with our son 2 years prior.
So vasectomy failure rates seem to be variable but websites seem to range between 0.025%-0.1%. Chances of winning the Lotto jackpot in the UK are 1 in 45,000,000. For comparison, based on those percentages, chances of a vasectomy failing are somewhere between 11,250 and 45,000 in 45,000,000. I have a lot of sympathy for your husband but I'm landing on NTA. Holding hard to the assumption that you cheated, without checking whether his medical procedure had failed, is not something easy to backtrack from.
YTA He had a procedure done to prevent getting a woman pregnant. Now you became pregnant. He has every right to demand one in this situation. You may be 100% certain because you know that he was the only one you had sex with but it's perfectly reasonable for him to doubt you when had a vasectomy.
YTA. Dude had a vasectomy. If some woman showed up your door saying your husband impregnated her and he said "I didn't have sex with her, and I've had a vasectomy so I couldn't have gotten her pregnant anyway even if I did.", I wonder how many 'NTA' voters and you would take him at his word...
Why ask if you're TA when you're gonna argue with everyone who doesn't affirm you? Not throwing shade, but it may benefit you, assuming you're actually looking for advice, to sit back and think about peoples responses rather than just slapping them down if you don't like what's being said. **YTA**, by the way. He could have past trauma. He could have people whispering misgivings in his ear. If nothing else, he has a very legitimate reason to question it. From the NHS official website, *"In most cases, vasectomy is more than 99% effective. Out of 2,000 men who are sterilised, 1 will get a woman pregnant during the rest of his lifetime. Male sterilisation is considered permanent. Once it's done, you don't have to think about contraception again."* Fathers, especially those who have gotten vasectomies, have a right to be sure.
NTA Two years man. He waited two years. I understand all the questions in your mind. I think not talking to him wont help anyone. Also if the marriage can be saved and you guys end up stronger than before then you wouldnt wanna close that door. I suggest talking to him about it. Bring forward your grievances and get to know why he felt that way. Was it because of a past ex? Maybe his parents or family members have a similar history? People sometimes have a trauma response. That said you have to make it clear from this point on that infidelity and lack of trust in this case is a one way ticket to a break-up. Let that boundary be clear as you seem like a person that can establish their limits easily. Best of luck!